#b ut he doesn't think he deserves the title. not after letting her down once already ( twice. if you consider that he forgot her for so long

[pasttorn]

MISCELLANEOUS ⟡ ALWAYS ACCEPTING !

anonymous koyuki said: "Hakuji... it doesn't matter where we go. In the end I want to be with you.. I know we weren't officially married b-but can I still call you, my husband?" Koyuki.

       HOW could he have forgotten her ? her, whom he’d come to tattered & broken, a shattered soul that was once a lionhearted boy. her, who, despite his past misgivings & his sins, had STITCHED him up together & made him whole again. her, who had become his world in the span of a day; who he would give up anything & everything he owned / would willingly rip himself apart & offer her parts of his TAINTED & TORN soul just to see her smile.

there was NOTHING he wouldn’t do for her. yet for centuries, he’d forgotten her very existence.

       & while at one point in his life her words would’ve been something akin to SALVATION-- as they stood now surrounded by the everlasting fires of hell, they did nothing but twist & turn at his conscious, liquid guilt replacing blood as it’s PUMPED through his veins & clogs at his lungs / heart. because while at one point, he would’ve wanted nothing more than to hear those very words from her; the man that stood before her now was not worthy of them & will NEVER be. not when he couldn’t save her, not when he couldn’t keep his promise to her. it’d been his fault-- had he stayed home, she wouldn’t have died. she wouldn’t have suffered. 

                    ( or maybe she would’ve, but at least they would’ve died together.                       at least then he would’ve been able to hold her in his arms as the                    world took her last breath, & with it, taking everything he cared about ).

      -- ❝ you... CAN’T come with me. ❞ as much as he wished otherwise, he couldn’t / wouldn’t allow her to follow him. the flames of hell were hot & unwavering; they wouldn’t offer nor spare any MERCY to a stray soul. & her ? she deserved better than that. she wasn’t the one who backed out on her promise. she wasn’t the one who’d messed things up time & time again. she was a saviour-- in his eyes there was no one PURER than her, & she deserved to go to heaven. heaven, where while they might be separated once more, she will be happy ( she had to be ). ❝ you don’t belong down here. with me. ❞

       with a downward glance, clammy & nervous hands hold onto her own; because while he’d decided on his resolve, it didn’t stop his heart from SKIPPING a beat at her words, at the sound of her calling him husband. oh how he could listen to her say that word for the rest of eternity & never tire of it. how he’d do anything just to be able to hear her voice that was as sweet as honey ( anything, except allowing her to follow him to hell. that was the one thing he could not bring himself to allow ). ❝ koyuki-san i-- ❞ words are STUCK on his throat, for even as he speaks, he doesn’t know exactly what he wants to say. for he knew the moment he spoke his mind, she’d berate him for it, she’d try to convince him otherwise & he, WEAK for her every word, would have no choice but to cave in & accept. 

       -- ❝ i’m... sorry. ❞ it’s like a broken record all over again, his voice STRAINED with the desperate desire to just say yes & hold her in his arms again ( what he should’ve done all those centuries ago ). ❝ i... as much as i may wish otherwise, i don’t deserve to be your husband. ❞ & oh how the words have to be FORCED out of him, consciousness kicking & screaming with vigour for once more being the thing to cause her disappointment, ❝ i’m sorry i couldn’t protect you. i’m sorry i couldn’t save you. i’m sorry you had to wait for so long. i’m sorry i wasn’t there for you when you needed me most. ❞ he’d already apologised so, SO much the moment she’d saved him for just about the thousandth time, but no matter how many times he utters the same word & no matter how much he means it, he’ll never truly be able to make it up to her. ❝ i-- there’s nothing i can do to even begin making it up to you. i’m... not WORTHY of your love. ❞

       the words HANG with an eerie silence, grip on her hands unconsciously tightening as he reels on the meaning behind his own words, as he hates the way he has to say said words despite not really meaning them ( because that’s ALL he wants. that’s all he could ask for. he wants to be her husband & there isn’t anything else that would make him feel as complete as knowing she still loved him ). a shuddered breath is taken, & then, for the first time, finally brings himself to look into her eyes, sad & somber smile tugging at his lips as he speaks, feeling the way TEARS pricked a this eyes ( a sensation he hadn’t felt for so, so long; having had nothing to cry over for so many years ), ❝ i may not have been worthy... but i want to at least say that nothing would’ve made me happier than to be with you. i’m home, when i’m with you. to think that-- that after everything, you’d STILL be okay with me, is more than i could’ve ever hoped for. ❞

       & at this, he leans forward, cheeks REDDENING at the mere thought of doing something to straightforward, but being unable to help himself from doing so-- pressing a chaste yet gentle kiss on her forehead, before pulling back once more, ❝ we may not have had an official ceremony, but even for just a moment, i was-- am-- proud to have you as my wife. & if... if you’d still find it in you to forgive me enough to allow me-- i’d... i’d want nothing more than to continue to call as such, even if i don’t deserve you. ❞