#asexual!lily | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

mrsfrecklesmarauders · 2 years ago

Text

The first time

Muggle AU

Pairing: Jily, Asexual!Lily

Post for Lily's Birthday tomorrow! I absolutely love her.

**********************

“Okay, everyone!” Lily clapped her hands together with a smile on her face “That’s it for today. Thank you for your cooperation. You may go”

The prefects meeting went alright that week. Lily felt like she was doing a good job as Head Girl. It was kind of interesting getting involved in the students’ activities. Lily felt like she was more part of Hogwarts and was making the school life better. At first, being a Head Girl just looked good in her resume, but she discovered it was actually fun.

“Goodbye children! I’ll convince Mrs. Potter to give us more free time” James said, making everyone laugh. Well mostly everyone.

Lily blushed profoundly but she smiled.

“Not Mrs. Potter and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

But the best part of it all was spending extra time with James.

James and Lily had been having time to get to know each other better. It had been magical and beautiful how they talked about their futures, their hopes, and dreams, their secrets, always including the other in their life plans. They walked around the halls holding hands. They spoke for hours, they laughed until their tummies hurt. And most of all, they snogged until their lips were swollen. It was perfect. I was more than perfect. James was the best boyfriend in the world.

Lily put her hands on her hips and smiled as the prefects left the room.

“Have a good night, Mrs. Potter”

“Shut up, Frank” Lily protested getting even more red, if possible. Alice giggled behind him.

Most of the prefects were nice. Except for Severus, who still stared at Lily as if she had betrayed him. Like Severus hadn’t done anything to ruin their friendship. And he looked at James with hate. Even if James had not done anything to him in a long time. Lily did her best to ignore him, but sometimes Severus kind of freaked her out. Maybe she was paranoid that he might try something to hurt her or break James and her apart.

Lily felt awkward as Severus walked beside her. Lily did her best to look at the floor.

Once Severus was gone, she let out a sigh of relief. But also, she felt a pair of arms wrapping her. James. Lily had to smile.

“Hello Mrs. Potter”

Lily rolled her eyes.

“We are not married”

“What? It was Dumbledore who said that” James protested while Lily laughed “Besides, aren’t we practically the students’ parents?”

Lily turned to face her boyfriend with a smile on her face.

“If that were true, you would be a very irresponsible father” she tutted “You are always promising them more parties and free time”

James nodded “It is all that we deserve”.

Lily chuckled, grabbing James’ hands on her own.

“Oh!” James exclaimed, making Lily jump “I have a surprise for you”

James’ smile was so contagious Lily had to smile as well.

“You’re lucky Miss Evans…” James grinned, as he took out something from his pocket.

“Oh, now I am Miss Evans…”

James ignored her, and showed her a folded piece of paper.

“You have a very romantic boyfriend”

James was too excited, like a child. And he was absolutely adorable. Lily smiled, raising an eyebrow. She took the paper and unfolded it.

Sometimes James acted as if he couldn’t believe he had Lily Evans as his girlfriend. James was extra affectionate, extra nice, extra romantic. Sometimes Lily felt a bit awkward by the whole thing because she was new in all of this. James was her first boyfriend. But the rest of the time, Lily felt in the clouds. Having James was better than whatever romantic cliché movie.

And this little surprise proved it.

The paper contained a picture of Hogsmeade. A beautiful little cabin with a wonderful view of the lake and the castle. It looked like a fairytale. And below the picture, there was some information about the place.

“What is this?”

James giggled and bounced a little.

“You know we have Hogsmeade weekend next week?”

Lily’s cheeks felt on fire for a reason. She knew where this was going.

“Yeah…”

“I was thinking we could sneak out and spend the whole weekend there…” James bit his lower lip to contain his excitement.

Two things crossed by Lily’s brain first.

One: “But James! It is against the rules to spend the night out of the castle… And… “ Two “It must be too bloody expensive to rent a cabin like this”

James laughed.

“I can speak with the boys, and they will surely cover us” James nodded “Besides we are Mr. Headboy and Mrs. Headgirl” James grabbed her waist “We can bend the rules a little…”

James pouted and Lily couldn’t avoid giggling.

“And don’t worry about the expenses” James added “I will cover everything. I am rich, remember?”

James grinned while Lily hit his shoulder gently.

“Wanker…”

“What do you say?”

Lily bit her lip. God dammit. It was so romantic and special. Lily had always dreamt about something like this. Lily loved her friends. She truly did. But they were always around. James and Lily deserved to spend some time on their own.

Lily loved the idea! But she also felt guilty for accepting something like this.

“I don’t know…”

“Come on…” James pulled her closer and leaned to kiss her cheek, and her other cheek, “Comee on… Say yees!” James kissed her temple, and her forehead. Lily giggled “Comee on, babyyy!” James gave her multiple kisses on the lips.

Lily laughed “It is too expensive.”

“Didn’t I say I am rich?”

“James!”

James laughed.

“It is fine, really. Don’t worry”

“Most boyfriends just give their girlfriends flowers” Lily said, playing with James’ collarbone.

“Well, I already gave you that”

Lily showed him her tongue.

“I am better than any regular boyfriend”

Lily chuckled “I can see that”

“See?” James said “You have to come with me” then he kissed Lily below the ear “You are gonna have a wonderful time with your extraordinary boyfriend”

Lily smiled. Wasn’t this what she wanted? Lily dreamed of having romantic experiences like this. She was young. And she deserved to do something wild with James. Lily had always followed the rules. And she never had experiences she could tell her friends about the next day. Surely Mary and Marlene would encourage Lily to do this.

“Fine…” Lily said, facing James.

His smile was something out of this world.

“Really?”

Lily nodded “But if we get into trouble, I am blaming you”

James ignored the last part apparently because he carried Lily in his arms and spinned her around. She let out a small yell.

“I promise you we are going to have the best weekend of our lives!”

Lily laughed.

******************************

As Lily had predicted, her friends Mary and Marlene were surprised to hear Lily’s plan for the weekend. Lily had to admit it felt great to be the one telling a story rather than being the one hearing it, and wishing it was her living it.

“Oh my God, Lily!” Mary exclaimed, smiling amused “I didn’t know you had it in you”

Lily shrugged but she was smiling.

“Isn’t it romantic?”

“Very” Mary nodded “And so James”

“And expensive” Marlene added “I cannot believe the wanker of Potter would waste his money like that”

“Like you wouldn’t like to go to a cabin like that with Dorcas” Mary tutted.

“Everything Is different and acceptable when it is gay” Marlene spat “Heterosexuality is gross”

Lily smiled. Only because she was so damn happy.

“It won’t be gross when Lily loses her virginity like that” Mary crossed her arms, smirking “You’re lucky your first time will be romantic. Mine was in the Slytherin loo”

“Ew…” Marlene protested.

Lily’s smile had disappeared, though. Wait… Lose her virginity? As in having sex for the first time?

“WHAT?”

Mary and Marlene looked at her amused.

“No! We are not going to have sex” Lily shook her head.

Mary snorted.

“So adorable” she smiled.

“Lily” Marlene kneeled down to face her because Lily was sitting on her bed “You’re going to be all alone with James, in a cabin, in the middle of the woods… What do you think is gonna happen? That you’re gonna play some rounds of Monopoly?”

Lily was panicking.

“Yeah?”

“Are you gonna spend the night there?”

“Yeah” Lily nodded.

Mary and Marlene’s expressions said everything. Lily had been so stupid.

“Oh my God!” Lily stood up. She began pacing “Oh my God!”

Lily’s friends observed her, now seated on the bed.

“But James… He didn’t mean that” Lily snorted, trying to convince herself “He’d tried things before and I’ve always stopped him…”

“Really?” Marlene asked.

“I keep telling him that I want my first time to be special and romantic… and …. Oh my God!”

Lily was an idiot. Of course James had taken Lily’s words too seriously.

“James wants to have sex with me!” Lily exclaimed.

Marlene clapped, probably making fun of Lily.

“Boys think about sex ninety percent of the time” Mary explained.

“The other ten percent is bullshit” Marlene added.

“Yeah” Mary agreed.

“Oh my God” Lily began pacing again “What am I gonna do?”

“The question here is if you want to have sex as well” Mary shrugged “Do you want to finally stop being a virgin?”

Lily had felt like an alien several times. Ever since fourth year, people around her, her friends, just started losing their virginity and having sexual experiences. Sometimes Lily felt pressured to do the same. But she couldn’t even come near a bloke without getting to know him first. And once Lily got to know him, nothing happened. She didn’t feel sparks, or goosebumps, her heart racing. Everything romance novels described. Lily didn’t understand how people could just snog others. Without love, passion, or even knowing their names.

Lily was a hopeless romantic. And she’d promise herself to have sex only with someone she loved. Like James for example… She loved James, right?

“Don’t pressure her, Mary” Marlene whispered when Lily started biting her nails.

“I wasn’t!” Mary protested “I was just asking her a question”

“What is going on?” Hestia asked as she entered the dorm.

That’s when Lily dropped to her bed, facing down and hiding her face. She groaned.

“Lily is having a crisis” Marlene explained.

“Oh God!” Hestia sighed “What happened now?”

It was an hour later. They had explained to Hestia the situation. She agreed James wanted sex and called him an asshole. But still Lily didn’t know what to do. Now she was squeezing her pillow and thinking about the homework she hadn’t done and hating herself.

“If I were you, I would totally do it” Mary said “James is fit, such a gentleman, and he is your boyfriend, who you love, and it would be so dreamy to have sex in a cabin like that”

“No!” Hestia disagreed “Lily, I wouldn’t! He is practically forcing you to have sex by bribing you with cabins and romantic bullshit! You are the owner of your body and only you have to decide when you have sex”

Hestia and Mary were quite opposites. Yin and Yang. Always bickering and discussing about the most insignificant things. So Mary rolled her eyes and Hestia crossed her arms indignated.

“If I were you I would kick James in the balls…” Marlene added, eating a some crisps while she spoke “ make sure it is too painful for him to have sex in a long time…” she grinned “And then become a lesbian”

Mary, Lily and Hestia looked at her. Marlene shrugged.

“But that’s just me” she added with her mouth full.

Lily was even more confused than before.

“Maybe I will tell James to cancel the whole thing” Lily sighed.

“Coward!” Mary protested.

“You can use your period as an excuse” Hestia smiled, happy with Lily’s choice “I always do that with Marcus”

“Okay, love” Mary sighed, standing up “It is your decision after all. But you’ll have to face your first time some day. Dreamy cabin or not…” she started walking but she stopped to add something “Just remember carnal stuff is important for boys, and if James doesn’t get it from you, he is going to get it from someone else”

Lily always had this fear that somehow James would get over Lily. That he would realize she wasn’t that great. That all the effort he had done to be with her had been in vain. And he would move on to chase another girl.

“That’s bullshit, Mary!” Hestia yelled as Mary walked to the loo. Mary answered by blowing her a kiss.

It was pure silence after Mary closed the door.

“Very tempting to be gay now, ha?” Marlene joked, but nobody laughed “Crisps?”

Hestia buffed and walked to her bed.

“Don’t listen to her, Lily” Hestia said “You know how Mary is…Sex is… easy for her”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Marlene asked defensively.

Hestia didn’t answer. Mary had a reputation around school, of an easy girl. Very opposite to Lily’s situation.

Lily must have had a sad expression because Marlene climbed down her bed and approached Lily to give her a hug. And several kisses on her forehead.

******************************

I made the reservation for the cabin, gorgeous

Lily’s heart raced as she read the note. Normally James’ little notes in class would make her day. But ever since Lily’s conversation with the girls, Lily’s mind had been a mess. Sometimes she decided it was about time to have sex that it was not a big deal and she loved James. Lily didn’t want to lose him. And other times, Lily freaked out and thought of every excuse not to go to that cabin.

Lily turned to look at him and simply gave James a weak smile as a response. “I love you” James mouthed from his seat, and he smiled widely.

“Hey! What are your plans for the weekend, Prongs?” Lily heard Sirius whisper. He was sitting behind James, next to Remus.

“Hogsmeade” Peter tutted beside James.

“I thought you two already had plans” James answered without even looking at his friends.

“It is not our fault we got detention” Remus added.

“Don’t worry, luckily I already have plans”

“What plans?” Sirius asked.

Lily raised an eyebrow. She was sure that James had already told his friends everything. Especially Sirius. That’s why she had been avoiding the boys. Because she was sure they would tease her. She was embarrassed that they knew Lily and James would be alone in that cabin.

“What plans?” Sirius asked again. He looked pissed to be left out.

James responded with a smile. It was an odd smile though, not like the one he gave his friends. Something was odd. Had Sirius and James been fighting?

“James…” Sirius insisted.

“Mr. Potter, Mr. Black…” Professor Sinistra warned “Please pay attention”

James shrugged and turned back to face the teacher.

Sirius frowned.

“Why wouldn’t he tell me about his plans?” Sirius whispered to Remus “Do you know anything, Moony?”

“No” Remus shook his head “I swear”

Then he noticed Lily was looking and gave her a smile. Lily smiled back and looked away. So Remus didn’t know anything as well.

Lily kind of liked the fact that James’ friends didn’t know anything about their plans.

Maybe this was different. James preferred not to brag. Boys normally loved to talk about their love and sex lives. James was perhaps way more mature than Lily thought. Maybe that kind of gave Lily a hint that she could be sure about having sex with him. Maybe this proved that James was no longer a boy but a man. And maybe Lily should be a woman. And have sex for the first time.

*************************

“Okay… Is it clean? Waxed? Perfumed?”

“Jesus, Mary!” Marlene protested.

“It’s not like you are giving her any pressure,” Dorcas added.

“You as lesbians should know that good hygiene down there is important to…”

“Okaay!” Marlene yelled over Mary, blushing a little “Why do you have to be so open about stuff like this?”

Mary shrugged

“It’s just sex”

Dorcas laughed.

“Are you nervous, Lily?”

Of course the girls had filled Dorcas with the whole story. They were neutral about the situation, as long as Lily was sure of her decision. As long as Lily did what she wanted.

“Yeah. lots” Lily smiled. James was a few meters away talking something with the boys. James was very important to Lily. She loved him and if she had to take this big step with someone, she was glad it was with him. She wanted this. “But I’ll be fine”

“Make sure James uses a condom” Mary added “And by Monday morning we will go to Madam Pomfrey for Birth Control”

Lily’s tummy twisted.

“Okay…”

“And Lily, if you feel uncomfortable…” Marlene added “... or that wanker forces you to do something you don’t want, just gives a call we will think of something to get you out of there”

Lily nodded nervously. Then she sighed.

“I love you, guys”

“Love you too!”

Mary, Marlene and Dorcas gave Lily a group hug. That surely made her feel better.

“Aaaw, can I join?” Peter said as he and James approached. James wrapped his arm around Lily’s shoulder, giving her a soft kiss.

“Hug not for wankers!” Marlene yelled loud enough for Sirius and Remus, who were a few meters back, could hear her “And since Sirius is there, you can have a hug, Peter”

“Very funny, Mckinnon” Sirius crossed his arms while Remus smiled.

“Bye, loves” Mary pouted, extending her arms for them “So sad you cannot go!”

Remus did the same “Bye!”

“Enjoy the castle, assholes” Peter said “That’s for breaking the Marauders’ Code”

“We will!” Sirius chanted.

“The Marauders’ code?” Dorcas asked.

“They did a prank without us”

“In my defense I am new in the code” Remus added

Maybe that was the reason James sounded so pissed with them. Surely something was going on. But Lily was too nervous to think.

“I will miss you, babies” James said, but he sounded cold with them not like always.

“Sure, you will” Sirius spat, giving Lily a nasty look “Let’s go, Moony”

Remus wasn’t as pissed as Sirius because he waved and followed Sirius back in the castle.

“Oh we are gonna have so much more fun than you!” James exclaimed when they were gone, wrapping his arms around Lily “Right, gorgeous?” he added, kissing her cheek.

That comment made Lily blush profoundly.

“Sure you will” Mary commented while Marlene hit her ribs.

“Guess I am stuck with you, girls… And Dorcas” Peter smiled.

Marlene raised her hand “Vote to get Peter absolutely wasted!”

“Seconded!” Mary added.

“Absolutely!” Dorcas raised their hand as well.

Peter looked at them.

“Oh bollocks!” he sighed.

********************************

They didn’t jump into it right away. On the contrary, James showed her the cabin first. Absolutely adorable. It wasn’t that big. But as lovely as in the pictures. King sized bed was beside a big couch. And also beside a nice terrace with an excellent view to the Lake and the Castle. Little kitchen in the front, little table and a bathroom.

Everything was beautiful and lovely. But when Lily saw they were sharing the bed, she panicked.

“What do you want to do first?” James had asked, distracting her “Wander around Hogsmeade and the shops… or swim at The Lake… Or… uuh maybe… Monopoly?”

“Monopoly?”

“Yeah I brought Monopoly with me just in case” James shrugged.

Lily laughed, relieving all her tension. How couldn’t she love James when he was so bloody perfect? Lily had made the right choice. She loved being here with James. Maybe things could happen later. Lily wasn’t so nervous anymore.

“What?”

“I love you” Lily chuckled and gave James a kiss.

James smiled “I love you too”

He returned her the kiss.

“Hogsmeade first?” Lily asked.

“Good idea!” James smirked.

**********************************

All of Lily’s nerves and tension were gone, after spending a few hours with James. They wandered through every shop at Hogsmeade. They tried out some clothes in a vintage shop, and James made Lily laugh with his funny poses when he wore a dress. Until the owner kicked them out. They bought and shared many sweets at Honeydukes. And many kisses. They took lovely and romantic pictures around. James piggybacked Lily around. They walked through the streets holding hands. And James had to warm Lily’s hands every two seconds, because they were getting cold.

“Wouldn’t it be lovely?” Lily asked as they walked to The Three Broomsticks after they decided to spend some time with their friends before returning to the cabin.

“What?”

“To just grow old here. In Hogsmeade” Lily sighed “It is one of the most beautiful places I’ve seen…” she smiled at James and James smiled back “Imagine:...We would own a shop. I am thinking of a coffee shop, not like Madam Puddifoot’s. That place is too mellow. Something more American. Like a Starbucks…”

James nodded amused “Ah…”

“And we would own a cabin by the Lake, kind of the ones Mcgonagall or Dumbledore have. A big one…” Lily chuckled “And our children would go to Hogwarts, obviously. And I would write for an important paper from home”

“All I am hearing is that you would want to marry me and have children with me” When Lily looked at James, he was smirking. Lily blushed. Shit. “Are you proposing, Evans?” James raised an eyebrow.

Lily cleared her throat “No…”

“I do, Miss Evans! I do!” James exclaimed trying to pull Lily closer “I would be honored to be thy husband!”

Lily laughed as she tried to push James away because he was trying to kiss her cheek.

“Get off me, Potter!” Lily giggled.

James laughed but then he stopped, he simply stared at Lily with a smile on his face.

“What?” Lily asked.

“I am so in love with you” James said it just like that. As if it was easy. As if it didn’t take Lily’s breath away. “I love you so much that sometimes I just want to shout it out to the world…” James added with a smile “I should probably shout now…”

“James, no!”

And so James climbed into a bench nearby. Lily’s eyes widened. He wasn’t actually doing it.

“I am in love with Lily Evans!” James shouted to the whole street to hear.

“James!” Lily protested, getting really embarrassed “Get out of there!”

Apparently no one around seemed to care about James’ words. Except for one man that shouted “Good one, son!” and James gave him a thumbs up. And some third year students who were laughing- God, they knew who they were.

Lily blushed as she pulled James down the bench.

“Stop it!” Lily said as James climbed down “You’re an asshole!”

James smiled.

“I love you too” Lily added, giving him a kiss.

Lily couldn’t believe she ever doubted James. Everything she felt for him was love. Wasn’t that enough to have sex with him? Lily didn’t want to think about it. She just wanted to enjoy the rest of the day.

************************************

“Why didn’t you tell your friends about our plans?” Lily asked.

James and Lily ate some burgers with their friends at Madam Rosmerta's. Peter was already getting tipsy when they left. And they spent the rest of the afternoon swimming at the Lake. The sunset had been beautiful and the water was deliciously warm. And James kissed her above the water and underneath the water but just that. Everything had been perfect as long as Lily didn’t think about the whole sex situation.

And now it was night and they were warming up by the little chimenea the place offered. Lily was between James’ arms, feeling sleepy and warm and everything was perfect.

James was silent for a minute.

“There is something going on…”

Lily knew it.

“I only told Peter about our plans…” James continued “But Sirius and Remus know by now”

“What happened?”

“I don’t know if I should tell you” James buried his face on Lily’s shoulder.

“Oh come on!” Lily insisted “They are my friends as well”

“Apparently…” James sighed “Sirius and Remus are secretly seeing each other”

“As in…”

“A gay couple, yes”

Lily smiled. She already knew this. She accidentally saw them kissing last term. Of course they didn’t know she knew. But still.

“So?” Lily giggled.

“They lied to me” James explained “They hid it from me. And I hate that”

“You hate that they are dating?”

“No! I hate that they didn’t tell me”

“Maybe… They are scared of what you’ll say…” Lily tried.

“Exactly! Why are they scared? It is not as if I am some homophobic asshole” James sounded so sad by this “It’s as if Sirius doesn’t trust me anymore…”

Lily turned to face James. James was rubbing his hair in frustration as he always did when he was angry. Lily squeezed his shoulder.

“I am thinking about all the gay jokes we’ve done…” James frowned “And how I flirt with him all the time…”

Lily smiled “So what?”

“That’s homophobic!”

“Is it?”

“And Remus… I wasn’t very nice to him when he arrived, that’s maybe why he doesn’t trust me”

Lily giggled because she found adorable how James thought he was a bad friend when he actually cared deeply about them.

“It’s not funny, Lily!” James whined “I thought I was a good friend to them but apparently I am the asshole that wouldn’t understand, the asshole that would judge them. They are scared of me. They are scared to tell me”

“But they hadn’t told anyone”

“Peter knew. That’s what pisses me off more!” James groaned.

Lily scooped closer leaning her chin on James’ shoulder.

“You’re not an asshole” she said, trying to calm him down “They trust you. Just give them time”

Lily finished by giving James a soft kiss on his neck.

James turned to look at Lily and smiled. Lily smiled back.

“Let’s not talk about this on our special day” James leaned in to give her a kiss on the lips this time.

“But you’ll have to talk to them and let them know you know…”

“Mmm…” James interrupted her with another kiss “I don’t want to talk about them” another kiss.

“Okay…”

They began kissing slowly and tenderly. Then James’ kisses began getting intense. And soon they began snogging without stopping. Only taking a few breaths. They’ve done this. Lily liked kissing James. But Lily noticed this time James wasn’t looking only for kisses.

James leaned closer while Lily pulled away, so she ended up dropping to the floor. Before she could protest, James climbed on top of her.

It is happening, Lily thought. It is actually happening. I am having sex. With James. He is the boy I love. He is the boy I love.

The last thought made Lily let James continue. James’ body was warm moving on top of Lily. He was eager, and Lily could feel or rather hear his heart beating fast. Or maybe it was hers.

When James moved to kiss Lily’s chin and neck, Lily felt immediately uncomfortable. She kept thinking of what would come next. And Lily wondered why it wouldn't be like in the movies. Where couples kissed, dropped to the bed and then the next scene they were naked in bed, cuddling and being soft. Lily knew it didn’t work like that. But she thought perhaps sex was more romantic, getting united with the other person, becoming one.

This didn’t feel romantic or nice. This didn’t feel like love.

When James’ hands started feeling everywhere, Lily felt dirty. It started on Lily’s chest and it went down slowly to Lily’s thigh.

“James…” Lily didn’t like this.

“Mmm… I love you too” James whispered as he continued kissing her collarbone.

“James, stop!” Lily pushed James away “STOP!”

James stopped moving and faced her with a worried expression. But he was still on top of Lily and she wished he would just move away.

“Gorgeous…”

When James went to kiss Lily’s mouth again, she looked away.

“Get off me, please!” Lily pushed him again.

James did as he was told. He looked worried.

“Lily, what’s wrong?”

Lily sat up, and hugged herself. Mostly to hide the fact that she was shaking.

“Amm…” Lily said, looking to the floor “I’m just tired. It was a long, busy day. Can we just go to sleep?”

“Just go to sleep?”

James looked disappointed. He wasn’t angry. He was just disappointed.

“We are not at school, Lily” James added “It’s not a school night”

“I am just tired”

“I thought we agreed on something” James spat “That’s why I rented this fucking cabin!”

That hurt Lily first. For a second she wanted to cry but then she felt furious.

“We didn’t agree on anything!” Lily snapped back “I thought we were spending a lovely weekend here. You didn’t say anything about sex”

“Oh come on, Lily” James said “It was obvious I wanted something to happen. I thought you were on the same page!”

Lily was static for a second.

“You’re such an asshole!” Lily yelled, standing up and swallowing her tears. She crossed her arms and looked away.

James stood up as well.

“You said that you wanted your first time to be romantic!” James yelled “I did everything I thought you wanted! I thought this would be perfect enough for you”

Lily didn’t answer. She silently started to cry.

“But apparently the place and the circumstances don’t matter to you! It wasn’t that…You just don’t love me!” James’ voice broke at the last part.

Lily turned to look at him. His eyes were watery as well. He was hurt.

“I do love you” Lily whispered.

“Everytime I try to get close to you, you reject me” James cried “I love you. And I’ve tried to be patient but I don’t know what to do with this need… “ he sighed “I want you. I want you so badly and it seems like you don’t want me back. Are you disgusted by me or something?”

“I’m sorry” Lily whispered, her voice was getting smaller “I’m not ready”

Lily wondered if she would ever be.

“Lily, we’ve been dating for months now! And you’re not a freaking child anymore!” James shouted “You’re almost eighteen! Don’t be such a prude”

And Lily couldn’t take it anymore. She began crying. She covered her face because she was embarrassed.

That’s when James’ expression softened. And he realized what he had done.

“No, Sorry, gorgeous!” James said “I am so sorry!... FUCK I am such an idiot!”

Lily felt James’ wrapping around her in such a gentle way. He was being careful. So careful now.

“I am sorry, baby! I am sorry!” James said over and over again “I am such an idiot” he cupped Lily’s face and gave her a soft and long kiss on the forehead “I am so sorry, baby”

Lily continued crying anyway. Not because of what James had said anymore. But because James was also crying. And everything felt so vulnerable and real. And mostly because Lily felt guilty. And she felt guilty that James felt guilty.

It wasn’t their first fight, God no. But it was surely the most real one.

James pulled her closer and hugged her tight.

“I love you!” a kiss on her head “I love you!” another “I love you! I love you! I love you!”

Lily buried herself on James’ chest, in his smell and let herself cry.

*****************************

Everything felt calmer after a while. James and Lily were lying in bed, under the covers. It was probably too late but none of them dared to drift to sleep just yet.

None of them was angry anymore. Lily surely wasn’t. It felt so weird. Lily had felt anger and rage towards James for a second, right when he shouted at her. But when the storm had calmed down, all she felt for him was love. She felt as if maybe Lily would never stop loving James, no matter how angry she would get at him, no matter what he did.

It had been a misunderstanding. It was normal for James to want their first time to be magical. He had planned everything. And he really thought Lily was on the same page. Lily had been. She would’ve done things with James if she was a normal girl. Any girl in their right mind, having a boyfriend like James, would’ve done things by now.

Now that she had James close, Lily felt the urge to hold him and kiss him again. She felt goosebumps and her chest burning. She wanted to have James, but maybe avoiding the sex part. If that made sense. Why was Lily so scared? Why didn’t she feel a desire other than gentle touches? Why didn’t she want James like that?

They had been silent for a while now, just staring at each other. Perhaps saying everything with their eyes. James’ eyes were full of guilt, and sadness and disappointment. He looked at Lily with worry that he might’ve broken her or something. His eyes were wilder and bigger without glasses.

James’ hand trembled as he reached Lily’s cheek. He hesitated but he gave it a stroke. Lily smiled, to let him know it was okay.

“I am sorry” James whispered “I love you”

“Love you too”

“I am sorry” James said again.

Lily snorted “You said that already”

“It’s just that I am really sorry”

“It’s okay, James”

James sighed and moved to face the ceiling. James had such a dull expression. Lily wanted things to be okay. They were having such a good time. They could forget about the whole thing. Maybe they could talk it out.

“Maybe we can cuddle and count sheep until we fell asleep” Lily suggested, giving James a smile, trying to find his gaze “Like last time”

James closed his eyes and hummed, giving Lily a weak smile.

“James?”

“Yeah…” James said, pulling Lily closer “Come here”

Lily placed her head on James’ chest. And he immediately stroked her hair gently.

Lily was worried that perhaps James was regretting being with Lily. That he could have anyone else. Any girl would want to be with him. Any girl would want to have sex with him.

“I will understand if you want to break up with me” Lily said after a while.

“What?”

Lily faced him.

“Because I don’t want to have sex with you” Lily added.

James shook his head immediately. He touched Lily’s face gently.

“Lily, you are the most important thing I have” James said “I love you! I wouldn’t dare to leave you”

“But…”

James leaned closer.

“I would wait for you forever” he said, softly, looking into Lily’s eyes “I’ll give you all the time you need” he sighed “I don’t want to be the asshole that pressures you or makes you do something you don’t want”

Lily made a pout “What if you’ll have to wait … Like for a really long time?”

James smiled “I’ll wait any time”

“What if I’ll make you wait until we are eighty?”

James raised an eyebrow and then laughed.

“I’d still wait” James said, giving Lily a soft kiss “And it would be the best sex an eighty-year-old man could have”

Lily giggled. James smiled. Lily loved that beautiful smile of his. She would do anything for that beautiful smile not to disappear.

“I love you” she whispered.

“You’re not gonna make me wait until we are eighty, right?” James made a pout.

Lily chuckled. But when she leaned her head on James’ chest again, her smile disappeared. What if she couldn’t have sex until she was really old? What if she could never have sex? James didn’t deserve to have a sexless life. She couldn’t do that to him. What if Lily had to let him go so another girl could give him what he wanted? She felt sick thinking about James with another bird. But she couldn’t be selfish.

“Lils?” James said after a while, playing with Lily’s hair now “I am sorry I yelled at you. And I am sorry you felt like I was forcing you to have sex with me…” James sighed “This is what I was talking about. With the whole Sirius and Remus situation and now this… Sometimes I scare myself…”

Lily turned to face him again.

“James!”

James smiled weakly.

“I was not the best person in the past” he added, looking away “You were right to hate me. Maybe I will always be that asshole, even if I am trying to change”

Lily grabbed James’ chin and forced him to look at her.

“The reason I hated you was because I was idiot that didn’t know the wonderful person you actually are”

James smiled.

“And because Severus poisoned my brain” Lily sighed.

“I did terrible things to him”

“He exaggerated most of the time” Lily said “They were all silly pranks and jokes”

James shook his head.

“I made his life miserable”

Lily played with James’ untidy hair. She loved touching it because it seemed untidy and wild but it was actually so soft.

“The fact that you regret it proves that you've matured and changed” Lily explained “You don’t bother him anymore”

James sighed. Not quite believing Lily’s words.

“No wonder you feel insecure with someone like me”

Lily felt guilty again. She looked away and sat up, making a ponytail with her hair.

“Okay, the sex thing again…” she sighed.

James closed his eyes in frustration and cursed himself. He groaned, holding from Lily’s waist.

“See? I am an asshole, Lily!”

Lily smiled and patted his back.

“I am going to explain everything. Tell you the truth and be open, okay?”

James rolled over and imitated Lily’s position. He grabbed his glasses from the night stand and put them on.

“Okay…”

“I want to have sex with you” Lily started. then she frowned “But not, actually…”

James looked at her in confusion.

“Sex is a vital part of romance” Lily continued “It is always there in movies, books. It is the ultimate thing that couples do to seal their love”

“Yeah?…”

“I always knew I had to have sex” Lily added “That it was just normal. And if other people did it just like that, I wouldn’t because I was a hopeless romantic, and one day I would feel attracted to someone. That I would fall in love and everything would happen naturally”

James nodded, confirming that he was understanding.

“But even if I cared for people, I didn’t fancy them. I never felt that way” Lily continued “Until I fell in love with you”

James smiled, and grabbed her hand.

“So I don’t understand why I still cannot do it” Lily sniffed, wanting to cry again “You didn’t catch me by surprise today. I also thought about it. Because the plan was perfect and I love you. And I am almost eighteen. And you’re simply perfect… I’ve thought about it!” Lily whined “I think about it all the time…”

James smirked, raising an eyebrow “All the time?”

Lily hit his shoulder.

“Not like that!” Lily protested while James laughed “Not in a perverted erotic way… Just the idea of it. Without any details”

Lily was blushing, so she looked away. James was amused. He put a lock of her hair behind her ear.

“Not sex as in carnal pleasure. Not as the idea of someone’s body as the object of desire” Lily said “But sex as the union of two people that love each other. The intimacy. An expression of love that goes beyond some silly kisses and touches. I mean I would like it to be like kissing and touching but more profound”

Lily realized James was looking at her in a different way.

“I might be sounding childish and stupid” she chuckled.

James shook his head.

“No, love” he said “Everything you’d just told me sounded so mature… You’re not a girl anymore, you’re a woman”

James kissed Lily’s knuckles.

“A woman that doesn’t want to have sex” Lily pouted.

James smiled.

“And that profound feeling, or expression of love…” James said, shyly “Do you feel it with me?”

Lily looked at him.Of course she felt it. Maybe it was the fact that Lily hadn’t loved anyone before but she had never felt this way about anyone. Being this close with James, having these conversations, getting to know everything about him, every side of him; all of it gave Lily a rush of adrenaline. A desire to bury herself into him. A desire to merge with him into one. A desire to be his, and him to be hers. Was that the meaning of having sex? Then Lily would do it gladly. But Lily felt there was so much left to learn about James. There was so much more to share with him. There was so much more to live with him. She wasn’t ready.

“Of course” Lily smiled. James smiled as well “But maybe I need time to.. connect my heart and my mind with my body”

James sighed and nodded, understandingly. He scooped closer and cupped Lily’s face between his hands.

“You’re are truly amazing, Lily” he said, looking into her eyes “I am so in love with you”

Lily was so overwhelmed, she trembled a little.

“And… I would love to reach that mystical sex level…”

Lily laughed at that. James was such an idiot. He was obviously teasing.

“With you…” James chuckled “Because it sounds truly amazing…”

Lily started hitting James in a playful way, laughing, while he covered himself. He was laughing as well.

“You're a total wanker!” Lily pushed James down and climbed on top of him to tickle him.

“Sorry!” James laughed “Okay, okay. Sorry!”

They laughed until they were out of breath. And then they stopped, looking into each other’s eyes.

“I love you” James said.

“I love you too” Lily answered.

“Now Lily, how am I going to wait for you if you sit on my lap in such a compromised position?” James joked.

Lily realized it was true. She was sitting on his lap, with her legs on each side of his waist. Lily blushed.

“I mean I am trying to keep my composure…” James tutted.

Lily rolled her eyes and attempted to try and hit him again

James laughed “And you keep… ahahah… tempting me”

“Shut up, you asshole!” Lily giggled.

Lily figured everything was fine. They could wait to have their desired first time. Maybe that way it would be extra special. Lily was so in love with James that she wanted to live everything with him. But everything at its right time. They were only seventeen. They had their whole lives ahead of them.

#marauders era #muggle au #marauders muggle au #lily evans #asexual lily evans #asexual!lily #asexuality #james potter #jily #james x lily #wolfstar #mary macdonald #marlene mckinnon

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