#as for her mother I think it couldve been anyone. its not like any of them were more 'suited' they didnt wanna be there

[visenyaism]

seven blessings, sister! i wanted to say i find your maegor meta v entertaining as a thought exercise. how would you envision jaehaerys and alysanne's marriage in this scenario where alysanne is maegor's daughter? and which one of his wives would have been more suited to be her mother?

jaehalyssane gets too much of a good rep as a loving, harmonious marriage, when "good king" jaehaerys' rampant misogyny really did a number on them

I have a lot of problems with fire and blood and how it just fully leans into all of asoiaf's worst patterns of pregnancy, child brides, and gendered violence and death. I know it's a history book told from an unreliable and misogynistic narrator, but it really does just read as a "bad things happen to women" compilation. It doesn't have a lot to say ABOUT misogyny, it's just something that happens in Westeros because it does.

The reason I think Alysanne being Maegor's wouldve been interesting is that what "good king jaehaerys" does to alysanne is not too dissimilar from what Maegor did to any of his wives. Except for Tyanna, all of Maegor's wives are coerced or straight-up kidnapped and forced to marry him. Alysanne is taken from her home at age 14 and married to her older brother. Maegor takes seven wives in his desperation to have a son. Jaehaerys made Alysanne keep having (13!!!!) kids that she did not want, so she was constantly pregnant from age 16 through 44. That's 28 years. The narrative does not really give her anything to do but this.

So to me, a lot of their marriage would be the same if alysanne was Maegor's, it would just make a lot of what fire and blood kind of says (but doesn't really successfully follow through with) about gender more overt. I think Aly being Maegors daughter would at least make it clear that this violence is a pattern within this family and their monarchy as opposed to something that just happens. Maegor marries Rhaena to make sure she has no claim, Rhaena's younger brother Jaehaerys marries Maegor's daughter Alysanne to do the same. Instead of just eloping because Jaehaerys wanted to, it's more of a Jaehaerys rescues Alysanne out of an unwanted marriage/horrible evil household, but then her "reward" for this is to get pregnant and put in a tower (which happens anyway, but I think it would help to undo the "yeah this is fine he loved her" part of fire and blood. It also connects how Jaehaerys treats his daughters/granddaughters to how Maegor would've.

So I think giving Alysanne a stronger personality or literally anything to do other than getting pregnant would be a good step towards fixing fire and blood, but if they HAVE to go towards the "targaryen history is a horrible and dehumanizing time for all women, I think making that pattern more explicit by connecting Aly to Maegor and the claim would have been more interesting than what we got.

[coriphallus]

The Dark Urge thoughts (and prayers)

anyone whos been following me knows im absolutely not normal about durge and i wanna share some tidbits that are implied, but not necessarily canonised, from their story;

I already made a post about it but it seems like bhaal has a degree of control over whether they live or die. he can deny them death, if they fail the duel with orin.

bhaal can command the slayer. he forces orin to transform if you talk to her about sarevok and the scene makes it clear that its against her will.

bhaal manipulates his kin in a subtler way. in the colony you can find a letter from old durge thats apologising to his father for 'liking' gortash. you can interpret their relationship as something deeper but even if it wasnt, this reads to me as terrified and desperate.

the reason being, if you have a LI in act 2 you get the famous bondage scene. coupled up with the letter above makes me think this is a pattern. bhaal can use their feelings against them. he did it with sarevok and orin's mother, orin's mother and orin, etc... it's not as straightforward as 'if you disobey ill kill the one you love'. you will. durge will.

bhaal is testing them in act 2, he revels in chaos, sure, but in the grand scheme of things he doesn't care about isobel. even if you tell scel that you'll kill her you're told that youre too late, you ignored your urges. from durge, bhaal doesn't expect calm calculated murder, he expects blind obedience. failing to receive that his first punishment is to take away something they cherish. there are no half measures, theres no bargaining with a god.

we get so many snippets of information that this has happened before, their foster family being their first victims. theyre made to kill their support system with their own hands, with no one to blame but themselves. they are actually apologising to their father for being fond of gortash because (in my humble opinion) theyre genuinely afraid.

how many times could this have happened, how many nights durge couldve woken up covered in the blood of someone they love until they gave in, became daddys obedient puppet?

durge is groomed for murder. scel says 'you always failed to conduct yourself without me' and given who he is i dont think hes talking about table manners when he says 'conduct'. durge needs 24/7 oversight to set themselves right lest they get tempted by softer things. lest they dare to step away from bhaals grand plan.

durge do have a choice. just as shadowheart had a choice, just as wyll or astarion had a choice. its a choice only in name.

theres no ending besides refusing bhaal that their friends and LI wont die by their hands. the entire lore of bhaalspawn is that theyre meant to conquer the world in his name and slit their own throat a top the mountain of corpses. as cazador aptly put, 'theyre made to be consumed.'

you can pray to bhaal and the narrator says he won't accept [any offering] but the entire world.

durge (and bhaalspawn) do get some sort of euphoria from murder. they crave it like an addict, but bhaalspawn (on prev games) don't constantly have to grapple with these urges as durge does.

now durge is a slightly special case but not in a good way. its implied that theyre not like a regular bhaalspawn, that theyre made by bhaal directly -so to speak-. which is to say, if youre playing a drow, they are bhaals closest approximation of a drow rather than a drow flesh and blood.

thats why theyre fighting tooth and nail against these urges every step of the way, they are literally bhaal himself(in essence). the personality they develop, the person who calls themselves 'tainted' and 'wretched', the character thats making choices throughout the game, theyre the tumour.

theirs is the story of cycle of abuse cranked up to 1000 and it is in parallel to all other origin companions.

[lunatic-fandom-space]

You know what its past midnight Im gonna make a post critisising acotar despite never having the read the series, the only book of SJMs ive actually read was crescent city but I spend a lot of time in anti acotar circles bc its fun being a little hater sometimes and I think I know enough by now to atleast critise some of the themes. I definitely know more about this series than I should, like I know about that immortal horse whose horse wife tragically died in horse childbirth and then Im pretty sure he died of horse sadness. And yet, despite cari can read being pretty good at explaining magic shit, I still dont know what the hell syphons are or why illyrians have them or why they matter so you really never stop learning huh

Anyway, I wanted to talk about the misogyny within the universe of acotar because its really bad, both in the sense that its just annoying and insufferable to read about even second-hand and in the sense that its badly written. The thing that inspired this was this short piece of flashfiction by @feynessupremacy about an unnamed girl from the hewn city being married off and having a horrible time living in this endless cycle of misogynistic abuse that her mom is still in and that her dauggters will end up in, all powerless to do anything against this kind of systemic sexism. I thought it was good and made its intended point pretty well but it also made me once again realize how borderline comical this series portrayal of misogyny is

Like, okay, once again, I have not read these books myself but it very much seems like the sexism in this world just materialized in the second book, from the summaries Ive watched it straightup seems like it was just not there in the first book. I mean hell, the entire plot hinges on the fact that Tamlin was sending all these fae disguised as fucked up creatures out so that they would hopefully be killed by a woman so she could break the curse, which implies that women being hunters was pretty normal. (Also, dont come at me with any kind of "oh, it doesnt specify the gender of the person who needs to break the curse a guy couldve done it as well", sjm is too insufferably heteronormative to consider that)

So basically what Im saying is, from my perspective it very much seems like sjm put not only systemic misogyny but like, incredibly violent systemic misogyny to the point where women being brutalized is basically completely normal, in her fantasy series for the sake of making a man look good because hes a wittle sad :( about it sometimes which is honestly pretty funny to me

But it gets even funnier because it doesnt even seem like sexism is really a widespread thing ? Like, i have never seen anyone else directly address this but its all I can think about: in the Nightcourt, the misogyny and institutionalized violence against women is literally the worst it possibly can be with genital mutilation and everything and then in the rest of Prythian its just like, not there. There are plenty of women with political power, the queen of adriada comes to mind first, Im pretty sure I read something about a woman from the wintercourt who was in a similar position of power, its unclear to me what all these fuckin priestesses do because theres no focus on the religion at all much less the institution(s) behind that religion, but they have to have some kind of power if theyre anything like priests in our world (although tbh they seem more like nuns to me functionally just with a diffrent name), especially Ianthe who was like a high priestess and directly in charge of Feyre, who shouldve been the most powerful woman in the springcourt by virtue of being with the high lord, Amren and Mor seem to be well respected outside of the NightCourt, their only deity is the MOTHER. Sure, there arent any "official" High Ladies but if being a High Lord entails being chosen by the magic of the land or The Cauldron or The Mother or whatever other kind of magic bullshit and women just dont get to have it for some reason, is that really indicative of the broader culture being sexist, or is that just God, Who Canonically Exists being sexist? Idk about you, but Im leaning towards the latter option

Thats not even mentioning the mortal lands which seem to be ruled by queens exclusively at the time of the story taking place, or Hybern which had Amarantha and I think her sister as well be these high-ranking generals and it wasnt presented as anything unusual. Like, are you telling me that the kingdom whose only value is "we love slavery, we would like to have slavery back" is more progressive than the court of fuckin Feminist King Rhysand?? I Am Going To Turn Into The Joker

Anyway, I think thats all I have to say, please correct me if I got any of this information wrong I cannot stress enough that I have not read these books and dont plan on reading them anytime soon, atleast not in english because reading the term mate a 1000 times sounds like too much for me to bear, atleast in german theyll probably use a term like "Gefährte/in" which doesnt make me think of actual animals

[fairypaw]

20 for Spiderleg, and 19 for Firestar?

20. Which other character is the ideal best friend for this character, the amount of screentime they share doesn't matter? + Spiderleg

ID KILL for a friend group consisting of spider, shrew, squirrel, leaf and white. like idk they would give off cousins you didn't know you weren't related to because your parents are best friends and you call them your aunt/uncle.

Also think its sooo fawkin funny since leaf and spider had beef in canon kinda over the whole him not being there for his kits, okay hear me out, they never have been able to see eye to eye as kids and leaf blows up on him over not seeing rose/toad because she's mostly projecting over not being able to be a mother to her own kits.

But it ends with spider venting about how he's unready to be someone these kits should look up to, something about his brother dying in hopes to save their baby sisters and they still died anyway. maybe throw in my personal hc that he planned to have kits with sootfur but he died too soon and it just hit him that he didn't have the life they planned, and it ends in spiderleaf bestiesms. Leaf convinces spider that he should at least try with them, and Spider down the line after the secret was revealed convinces her to reconcile with her own kits.

ALSO spider + squirrel have a friendly ish rivalry, as in it's not serious but they don't hesitate to punt each other for the bit, but they have their soft moments of shared softness (shrew & soot's deaths) ans they both should have another rivalry over their platonic love for daisy actually. i also do happen to believe in spiderdaisy qpr, give me sassy gossip girls or give me nothing.

19. How about a relationship they have in canon that you don't like? + Firestar

Spottedfire is almost too easy of an answer. like ugh okay you couldve maybe convinced me at a platonic/sister/maternal relation potrayal in canon, or HELL id be okay with a romantic route IF they didn't have a weird age gap or the emotional infidelity. like a ghost girlfriend/right person not enough time CAN be my cup of tea (esp since i do like fallenholly).

But everything they have CANONICALLY it creeps me out, it doesn't serve anything good plot wise, its not interesting, it doesent give anyone any depth, it dragged and muddled the plot its unnecessary and again, UNCOMFORTABLE. the way they only make spotted important only to be the object of another character just makes me sick (ex. fire, th*stle, in a way leaf and jay) as in she's this perfect an untouchable only wants what's best because she couldn't have the life she wants. but in the perspective of another character ? shes never really stood on her own as anything and it frustrates me.

[nameless-network]

"hamas is responsible for every palestinian death" really? its hamas that made idf soliders shoot at a civillian car and kill the evacuating family inside? the hamada family, the parents, five children and their niece, trying to evactuate on an order from the idf. they shot at their car, killing the parents and 4 of the children. the two survivors were layan hamada and her cousin hind hamada. layan called for help, but was shot by isreali forces as she did.

they were people. living, breathing people with names, dreams, loved ones. bashar and anam hamada, 44 and 43 respectively. they had 5 children- layan, sana, raghad, mohammed, and sarah. layan was 15. if youre in highschool, she couldve been one of your classmates. sarah, the youngest, was only 4. a 4 year old baby who's never going to get the chance to grow up. sana was 13, raghad was 12, mohammed was 11.

the only member of the car unconfirmed is now 6 year old hind hamada.

this is hind.

in this photo she is celebrating her kindergarten graduation.

when the ambulance dispatcher called back layans phone, hind answered and spoke to them. she begged over and over to be rescued - but to get an ambulance to her location, they had to ask the idf for permission. it took them 3 whole hours to get this permission. in this time she spoke to dispatch and her mother, who was sheltering in a different part of gaza at the time. over the phone, hind repeated to her mom how much she loved and missed her.

when the ambulance team moved in towards the car, there was the sound of heavy gunfire and dispatch lost contact with both the paramedics and hind.

this was on monday. theres been no sign of either since.

where is hind?

"isreal is the victim" - but palestinians have to ask permission for ambulances to go through. "isreal is the victim" - but ambulances go missing trying to rescue civilians. "isreal is the victim" - but tanks surrounded a little girl trapped in a car and shot at anyone trying to rescue her.

if this is what you think "self defense" is, youre a fucking monster.

remember that this is what were boycotting for, this is what were raising awareness and money for. so that little kids like hind will be free from suffering, free from the occupation and free from all the injustice the world lets happen to them.

fuck zionists. palestine and its people will be free.

(if i have gotten any details in this post wrong, please let me know and i will edit it asap)

[unlimitedhorsepower]

me writing my fanfic

honestly though i frequently think abt how many details i reference as truth are like actual canon things but theyre more obscure details from peripheral materials rather than in the anime.

but also some details i made up. would love to talk about my reasonings for those details. some of them are esoteric. but some of them are just based on reality to me. i refuse to call yuris mom "origa" bc it was the artist name of that one russian singer whose real name was olga and whos just known in japan for a bunch of anime collabs

its also my truth (but not totally unreasonable imo) that olga immigrated to sternbild and her surname is just "petrov" specifically due to simplifications for required forms/some minor mixups. not even petrova and nothing given wrt patronymic vs surname but i dont think sternbilds legislative system wouldve understood patronymics and its not rly important.

what is interesting to me is that olga petrova was a real person (well. im sure this has been the name of many people. but bear with me), a vaudeville performer, who actually adopted the name as a stage name. ive always felt that olga was running from something and wouldve explained why she has nobody else to care for her than her son. and nobody had ever heard of her either.

olga petrov is a bit of a fake name isnt it...

being a woman with no family nor connections in an unfamiliar city is such a ripe ground for getting an abusive fuck of a husband. i really doubt that mr. legend suddenly became abusive once his NEXT power started failing. i just think olga didnt have anyone else and she was willing to overlook all of his flaws for that long as someone who was rich and famous and kept a roof over her head etc

what choice does she have? also gives more basis to how nobody seems to ever acknowledge olga (or yuri) exist. i feel like mr. legend couldve just presented olga as his girlfriend of the day (who has a son) to maverick and he wouldve been like okay so...whatever...

and they never talked bc olga ~kept out of the way~ when her husband has people over or is on the phone etc. and this dynamic gets worsened when mr. legend starts to lose his powers bc he might not have a NEXT power anymore but what he has is total control and power over olga.

^ruminations of an unwell person who thinks narratives actually care about woman characters. objectively the name was given bc the writers had heard origa once LMFAO and petrov is a common surname

anyway. personally i still think it would be interesting if gregory sunshine was yuris real biological father (insert that theory post i made pre-cour 2) and olga just managed to get into a rlship with mr.legend so quickly she could pass yuri as his son. (or mr. legend was okay with the fact at least initially. doesnt matter). and that also adds to her plight of being stuck with mr.legend, and im sure she was also in love with him, but she didnt have any other choice... nobody to help her. heroes arent real

wouldve explained why olga was running and suspectible to shit freaks like mr. legend. i would be inclined to say nothing megaweird happened and gregory was just olgas weird creep boyfriend bc i dont want to torture olga for funsies. more of a situation where she got pregnant accidentally and was like fuck i cant raise a child with a total criminal freak... not that she was raped by him bc olga rly has enough bad shit in her life without that:/

gregory is a creep for sure considering even the scene where he makes ryan lose control (which is. really weird lets be real. the kotetsu scene mirrors it) but still.

AND would also explain why olga blames yuri so strongly for Everything...doesnt excuse her ofc but like. i also understand it. her life sucked. tfw women could be more than Mothers and perhaps even lead full and nuanced lives that explain their actions

this is irrelevant to my fanfic btw (kinda) though i explore yuris and olgas rlship in it. olga is someone who tries but she is so crushed by her circumstances that sometimes her best try isnt enough. its a tragedy is all.

and also interesting how gregory never showed up in sternbild before s2. like olga chose a good place to run to (in the case she had). ripping my hair out ahhh ahhh ahhhh the lore... its so deep (the lore i made up in my head that is)

[kanside]

sentimental things

feel free not to read, this little entry is kindof a bummer

my grandma and grandpa on my moms side, my oma and opa on my dads side.

i try to think of the gifts they gave to me beyond money, physical items.

ill be blunt, i dont know any of them well. my grandpa is a bit creepy, missing a chunk of his brain, a classic narcissist, perhaps one of the only people i consider a lost cause. i still wish i had a grandpa though. of the few times i remember seeing his bashed in creepy face, his eyes always seemed sweet. despite the horror stories ive always been told about his actions and failures as a parent and grandparent.

i havent seen any of my grandparents on either side in a long time.

my grandma has cancer bummer i tried reaching out to her, she never understood me being trans but always respected it. we simply never got to talk much.

i couldnt hold a conversation with her. even now she ghosts my mom about her condition. i dont think she'll make it long. i dont know how to feel about that lol

ive never had to deal with the concept of grief before. ive tried talking about it, but nobody really understands. i got lucky, i guess. the only grief i knew was people willingly leaving me due to my own bad actions. i never knew anyone i loved or wanted to love who was torn away by death. i had a dog once, her name was chewie. but i was too young to understand the connection i couldve formed with her. she didnt like living with us, so we gave her to grandma and grandpa and she lived and died with them. i didnt grieve. i felt bad, i worried for my sibling's grief, but i didnt experience what everyone calls grief. i just moved on, cus i hadnt had anything else to do.

i dont understand grief, i dont understand what it feels like and i dont understand how to cope with it. i dont understand how to support people going through grief. and i dont know how i feel about my grandmother dying. because she is, and i wish she wasnt, but she's a smoker and my parents are smokers and we all know that at a certain point when you smoke too much you either get cancer or you dont, and once you have cancer theres no getting rid of it for good, i think.

i dont know if what im experiencing is a sort of grief, or perhaps my body warning me. saying "hey. your mom is grieving. shes going to grieve more. thats her mother dying, thats your mother's mother you never got a chance to understand in your adulthood and befriend. that's a person in the wrong place at the wrong time. surrounded by the wrong people and down the wrong path. yet she kept trying her best and supporting the best she could, even though your mother says she didnt do enough."

maybe its missing out. jealousy maybe? thats a little fucked up lol. i just want to understand. i just want to be prepared, because i know death and grief comes to everyone, and i dont have room to be unprepared for such a thing.

im a little off track

recently (well actually not recently, my time streams a little fucked. im not remembering in the right order. it was actually a long time ago i think. earlier this year) my mom went a trip. she brought me back a few trinkets, a few amethyst necklaces she picked up from some street shop. i dont like jewlery, it feels suffocating. it feels unnatural and weird.

but my perception changed. i really like when that happens. i really like my brain accepting new things. i began wearing the necklace nonstop. i tricked my own anxiety, i said "this necklace is a barrier, it is protection. i wear this and it channels the love of my own mother. it is a shield." the only time i didnt wear it was when i showered. i think i even wore it at the amusement park, but i dont remember. i stopped having dreams. i still dont know how to feel about that. i like dreams, but i also dont like them. they were becoming disruptive, distracting. now i could control when i had them. i could control how strong they were. at first they were intense and overbearing, but the longer i wore the necklace the more they subsided.

but i wasnt getting good sleep, at least not recently. i suppose i got overwhelmed with the feeling, irritated. now i take the necklace off at night and i dream. not much makes sense in my dreams, but i started doing therapy again, so i suppose it cant hurt to get lost in my head now and then.

im off track again

gifts

when i was really really little, i assume, too little to remember. my oma would make little gifts. a part of me likes it a lot more than money, but i know that physical things are too precious and too short lived, and they always end up collecting dust in my closet because i have no space in my room and my mind to have them.

she liked to sew little things together. i have a pillowcase with my deadname on it, its pink and cute. its started to fall apart

there are holes and rips in it. it is tearing to bits. but i have three pillows, and third pillow on the top right under my head must have oma's pillowcase. i dont know if its the unwillingness to let things go, even temporarily, but i still want to sleep with it even if it needs repairs or is unsalvagable.

my mom said "if its so sentimental then just store it away, we have more pillowcases" i responded, in another room by myself, when i thought up a better thing to say: "when you dont have people in your life, sentimental things mean more."

i dont know if thats the right way to word it. i dont have a good memory, i lose people regularly. not to death, but to time. to mistakes and growth and moving on. there are images of people in my closet from early days in school that i just know meant so much to me, but i dont know their names. i dont remember their voices. i dont know what they meant to me. i cant even grieve. the weight on my heart is not sadness, but a sort of confusion? like wonder, maybe. "i wonder what we were. i wonder what we could've been."

well, its whatever. life moves on. i will continue to dream and get lost in my thoughts. i will continue to fantasize about an unlikely future where i build a nice little cob house on a family farm and live off of the land that is totally not dying by man's hand. i will avoid the definition of feelings i do not understand, like grief, and wait until i learn the hard way. the hard way is the only way i've ever willingly learned, after all.

[thediaryofs0nic]

I have a problem... well... several. I'd say I needed professional help but no thats not it even. I need to go back in time and be taught proper self control as a young kid, I need to be loved by my father, and I need to be taught not to resort to anger in frustration. I dont think people can be perfect but I do think they can be better. I know my mother tried her damndest to be the best mother she could and she achieved it in my eyes. My father on the other hand, to his admittance, was a manipulative, avoidant, asshole who didnt care to watch his mouth or behavior. He thought he was worthy of attempting to control my view on him and the world and he thinks he's succeeded. He is so lost on his narcissistic, egotistical, high horse that he can't see how he's harmed people. He can not see that he is the problem and refuses to feel any important emotions. He suppresses the important ones and expresses the rest in anger. Boys don't cry or at least they do in private because crying is shameful and a sign of weakness. Two genders but you can be whatever you want. I love you yet I'll call you a clown when you finally seem happy. You're brilliant and important but you're not trying hard enough. I've watched you scare away countless people and the only ones you still have are internet trolls or people that need to be around you why tf do you think you don't have friends. My cousin hangs out with you because he likes laughing at your shit takes plus its not like your moral "lessons" are getting through to him he literally has 4 kids all to different women. He isn't too bright.

My parents have also lost themselves into their political ideologies. My mother thinks Ben Shapiro is brilliant and my father wishes death on all Democrats. From the blatant sexism to the upfront racism (all from father) I don't feel safe around him all the time. There are times I remember being in fear of my father drinking a little too much and attempting to kill me. There are times where my father has inadvertently called me useless and said my life wasn't worth anything. ((Context: He said suicidal people/people who commit suicide don't care about anyone and shouldn't have been born to begin with)I was in therapy for my depression and had been sh for a few months at that point) Really racking up the great father points there. When I said I wanted a nose ring he angerly asked if I wanted to be a cow (I just thought they looked cool and I got one the second I turned 18). I was fighting with him about something at the dinner table (I was summoned even when I didn't want to eat with them) and got into a fight over whatever with him and then he interrupted me and started talking to my mother who was crying (because of him) and I responded (because he was only gonna make her feel worse) he didn't let me finish and in a cross, angry, pointed tone through clenched teeth said "not everything is about you" LIKE A FUCKING 4TH GRADER. It made me highly angry so I went up to my room and fumed in my notes app so I could tell my therapist. I hate my father. He also mentioned to me that he wondered what id be like if they didn't give me all the hormones in the milk because he thinks I act the way that I do (feminine and like men) because of the food. He genuinely thought that was a good talking point with me, the queer in the household, his only child, the one person with mental health and identity issues in this house... GO FUCK YOURSELF. God fucking damn it I don't like him at all. He implied my existence wasn't valid or real, that I am not the person I couldve been. I DONT GIVE ANY FUCKING SHITS WHAT I "cOuLDvE BeEn" YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS APPROPRIATE. GO. FUCK. YOUR. SELF. He also told me genderfluid wasn't real for no reason when I had literally thought of going by that. The thing is I NEVER mentioned that anywhere near him, when I said the word and that it made me comfortable to my friends I wasn't even on the same floor level. He wants me to kill myself at this point. I could probably think of more but im too angry now and it's 3 am so maybe ill stop.

(My mother rarely defended me when she was the only one I was comfortable talking to so she knew how I must've felt hearing a lot of those things)

Tldr: I hate my father

Overall conclusion: He will never enter my living space once I move out of this bitch.

[tiens-letters]

Oohh another request haha. I love this thank you and i hope you like it :>

were the bruises to your heart worth it?

Childe angst

You mulled over your sister's words for the nth time today. Her voice playing on loop inside your head, drifting in and out of a mundane daydream.

"why are you still with him?" you wondered as well as to why you still stuck with Ajax, all these days in 3 years of being wit him. Perhaps it was devotion, it was love to persevere even in the wrath of crumbling times and yet why does your heart ache a little more these days he's been far from you.

The days when he would come home, wounded and tired you were there to nurse him back. Back then it was something you'd do out of care and worry, which was until these recent days where it felt as if it were a job you didnt want to do as he would shrug you off instead and locking himself in another room. You barely remember the time where you both shared a quiet night basking in each other's presence, with limbs in a tangle and your forehead upon his beating chest, it was almost none existent as the home you both had felt so utterly desolate, void of the homey ambience.

Youve endured a month of his uncalled behaviour, breaking you even further as things slipped from your grasp leaving you empty and in agony. There were times you'd silently let tears fall as he slept so soundly beside you, unbothered by your pain. He's become more and more as the harbinger you forgot him to be and not your darling lover Ajax.

He never noticed your puffy eyes, sunken cheeks and dwindling weight yet he noticed all the small mistakes youve made. Where one day, left you with a bruise on the arm due his snake like grip after blowing up on you right after he came home from a long journey to sumeru.

You left. 

Childe came home earlier than expected, once again tired and nursing a few minor wounds on his body. All he wanted was your touch on his skin as you lulled him to sleep only that to his utter surprise that the house was empty. Perhaps you went out for an errand or for another pot of your favourite flower that you kept in the small garden at the back.

Not giving it too much thought, he lounged on the couch awaiting your return, eyelids soon drooping as the soft pillow coaxed him to sleep.

As the grandfather clock swings its pendulum, the sound echoing through the whole room signifying the arrival of midnight, an eerie sound waking Childe back to consciousness. Groggy from rising he scanned the room only to find it darker than before, if it werent for the nearby lamp he switched open, he swore he couldve been swallowed by the darkness.

Were you not home yet?

A dreadful feeling washed over him as your presence was nowhere around the house. He called out for you as he rushed through the halls, a sliver of hope vanishing every corner turned and every door opened led to nothing but misery.

You always leave a note as to where you are going and yet it was another one out of the many abnormalities in his home.

"Darling? Please i hope youre not playing with me!" he calls out to no one in particular, denying the fact of your existence gone with the wind. Your clothes were all intact and so does your other belongings. He thought of every possibility of what couldve befallen his lover, mostly gravitating towards the worst of the worst case scenarious and may the archons forbid, he would never recover from the blow.

"Where are you?!"

Then it dawned on him after much pondering and pulling his falling parts together. The things he did, the words he said it all came flooding through him like a rushing cold river, hitting him fair and square in the chest and came forth an otherworldly pain and regret. He gasps, almost suffocating by the weight of his sins and he wished he had died right then and there in atonement for his crimes.

Soon his vision became bleary as eyes misted over with tears that fell freely from his ocean eyes. He ruined it. Ruined you.

And yet he could not let you go.

Days seemed to pass by so fast that it had already been 5 months of liberation from Ajax's presence. You were slowly building yourself up once again, the temple that was torn down by a single crack, slowly being rebuilt brick by brick.

Your love for Ajax, even if it left quite the bruise to your heart, it was still there, lingering in the air and a part of you missed him so. You wondered how he would be doing, you wondered if he looked for you just as you did when he didnt come home on the date set, you wonder if he wept when he couldnt feel you next to him, just as you did 150 days ago. You wondered if he ever called your name all the while giving a lingering kiss to the painting that hung on the foyer. You wondered if what you both had, had any significance to him at all.

"Stop doing that." you jolted from where you sat, the book falling off your lap as you met your sister's stern glare from across the room.

"Stop doing what?"

"You are thinking about Tartaglia again. Its been over 5 months and that blundering fool never made an effort to find you much less apologize for what he did when you were still there." there was anger in her voice as she recounted the day you came to her door, teary eyed and just utterly torn. Never once did she felt like murdering someone so bad, especially when it had you, her only family involved.

"Im sorry, I-i just--"

"Hush now." she came over in her elegant strides to take you in her arms, the familiar scent of your mother's favorite perfume stayed on her like second skin and you were so grateful that you had her. You let yourself cry in her embrace in quiet comfort.

Childe never stopped.

Secretly searching for atleast a tiny clue of your whereabouts wore him down to the bone and yet he never gave up. How could he? Even if he thought he was so undeserving of you he still pushed on to right what wrong he's made. The details gathered had been insufficient to serve as a lead making Childe more desperate in his attempt to search for you. Nights were spent on scouring places and information seeking and his work, only done in the daytime. He never wasted a wink on sleep as it was an obstacle to getting closer to you and even when his body collapsed due to exhaustion of overworking all he could think was you.

The search has led a certain fatui informant who works for one of the harbingers. With a note slipped in secrecy on a specific time containing an address on the small parchment. It was all Childe needed to fuel his buried hope as he took off towards snezhenaya.

He never imagined he'd arrive right in front of the iron gates that encased the whole estate atop a mountain. The wind bellowed stronger than before as the snow rained harder upon the place. Luckily, he was born in this region and had survived throughout. 

He wondered why you came here, to such a dreadful place but then again, anywhere was better than right by him.

Trying to push open the gates only to be repelled by cryo magic, burning through his gloves and into his skin, leaving fresh burns on his palms as he gasped in pain. Whoever lives here clearly didnt want anyone trespassing much less had a fancy for guests.

He was starting to grow cold as his energy was slowly being siphoned by days of travel, it would only take a matter of time before he passes out.

He calls out, hoping someone inside would hear him.

And you did, only that it seemed like the wind but the time you looked outside the library window, you saw a person outside the gates. The familiar ginger hair tousled with the wind and as you strained your ears to hear and that was when it filled your ears, Ajax's voice. Something you havent heard in quite a long time.

As quick as lightning you stood, half running half gliding through the halways and down the stairs, there was no coherent thought, only him. He was freezing outside the barrier and you pushed yourself more to reach him.

Your figure stepping out through the door was almost like a dream to him. Your name oh so longingly leaving his bluing lips.

"Ajax!" you were in time as you caught his figure which seemed lighter than before. He clung to you, legs desperately tryinf to hold him up. You were here, right in his arms, alive and warm.

"Im sorry. Im so sorry. Please I love you." he rambles on, like a mantra he apologizes over and over again, sobbing and stumbling on his words as he held you so achingly close "Forgive me. Forgive me..."

"Step away from him this instant." your sister, Signora hisses from behind you, just as you were about to coax Ajax she already had a cryo dagger aimed at his head

"Sister please!" you plead, your panic growing as you saw Ajax huffing in labored breaths "Let him come inside or he will freeze to death."

Signora sees the urgency in your eyes and the undying devotion you still hold for the man in your arms. She dematerializes the dagger with a wave of her hand.

"Fine but if I see tears in your eyes then dont you ever dare stop me from what Im going to do to him."

"Thank you sister." you smile at her as she steps backs inside the house and you follow in after her with Ajax leaning on you for support. Once inside, you had him lay on the couch by the fire after helping him out of his winter garments and replacing it for a knitted quilt.

"Im sorry." bloodshot ocean eyes looked at you with so much guilt and a love that you almost forgot "I-i im so so sorry."

"Lets talk about this after youve rested." this time you couldnt look at him, the ache in your heart throbs from the bruises it still nursed. You stood before falling further only for him to catch your shaking hand with his equally shaking one.

"Dont leave." he whimpers, the fear of abandonment increasing as he pleaded for you to stay. instead, you let go of his hand and placed yours instead over his eyes making him uncharacteristically shriek surprising you even more, making you think what other worldly pain he was experiencing as of  the moment. "No! No No.  Please Its dark." 

Ajax cries as he thrashed around because he feared that if he sleeps he would go back to the nightmare of you not by his side and that would leave him all cold and alone just like in the past. he didnt want to go back there, not now when he's seen you. As much as he'd hate to admit, he was truly and utterly terrified but you had to let him rest and with the help of your vision he finally succumbed to a dreamless, peaceful sleep. Only that he calmed down did you notice how much he's lost, where your once sunken cheeks, puffy eyes and weight loss now transferred to him and it made you sick to your stomach. your lips found his forehead as you wished him a good rest, you left the room after bandaging his burned hands to gather yourself for when he finally came to his sensible self.

when you thought it was going to take a full day for him to wake up  only to find him stumbling about in the living room calling your name on his lips like a broken record. you immediately rushed down and burst into the room to find him clutching his head and gasping breathlessly. he looked crazed until he caught sight of you standing by the door, a worried look on your face was when he finally came to. he ran to you, clung to you like it was the last day of the world to live and sighed into your welcoming smell. 

"are you alright now?" you ask him as you part in arms width 

"Hit me." he tells you in all seriousness in his worn out state 

"W-what?" you were certain he was still out of it until he grabbed your hand in an attempt to hit himself to which you stopped immediately 

"Hit me! Scream at me all you want. Call me words Ive called you. Ive broken you! Do you not see that?!" funny how he couldnt see himself, he who's become worse over the course of the months . his tone rose and fell until it was only a whisper above his panting 

"Just dont abandon me." he shuts his eyes, steeling himself for your judgment  until he felt your hands on his face again, making soothing circles on his cheek 

"look at me Ajax." you coax him and he did and he could see assurance and the love for him still remained and he wanted to cry again but tears have long gone abandoned him and left him in such a regretful state, he truly didnt deserve you and you never deserved to be treated that way. "Youve hurt me yes and nothing can change that but I wasnt planning on you leaving you. I couldnt as I love you too much that I wouldnt imagine life without you but Ajax, the things you did to me, to us,  was painful." 

"I know and Im so sorry." he held himself from rambling as the pain in chest grew even more burdensome, something he would willingly carry as he vows to himself to never hurt you and if he did  then he would tear himself down "I love you" 

"and I to you Ajax. Just promise me that when you are having a hard time, let us talk it out and not result to screaming and painful banters." 

"I promise darling. on my life and everything in this world. I vow to never cause you pain like I did and to only give you love and care that someone like you deserve." 

there he was, your Ajax. He was home. 

[kraviolis]

the amount of gender essentialism in harry potter is fucking sickening and makes me wonder if jkr ever actually “became” a terf because of internet brainrot or if shes been one all along and just hid it

because i’ve talked about how she treats the women characters— all of them having to fit into the role of lover, mother, and/or pure & innocent or else they’ll be ignored/vilified (and how tonks almost nearly broke off from this before being promptly married off, given a child, and then killed within a single book)— but it’s even worse than that.

there was the unicorn scene, in book 3 i think, where it really established that girls are just inherently more pure and innocent than boys and thus were allowed to pet the unicorn while the boys werent. there’s the fact that the girls’ dormitory stairs dont let boys go up but the girls can go into the boys’ dormitory all they want. also the entire thing with the veelas that just reeked of misogyny, gender essentialism, and homophobia.

the entire yule ball arc felt really gross, too. like it couldve been fine, couldve been normal YA male protags being awkward around girls they like, but the way it was arranged was so bad. really exaggerated the separation of genders and put a lot of emphasis on “girls are inherently pretty & more mature, boys are inherently stupid & insensitive” yknow?

the way snape was excused for 7 years of abuse and bullying towards neville and harry just because he had been in love with a woman was utter bullshit— because if we’re going by that metric, why wasnt petunia excused? she literally took harry in and raised him because she obviously still loved lily deep down even if she’d become estranged and lashed out because she was hurting inside. she’d abused and bullied and neglected harry just as much as snape did, but she also willingly kept him protected and safe just like snape, so why wasnt she excused just because she still loved lily?

for the record, i dont think either of them shouldve been excused or redeemed or made out to be heroes. i just think the double standard is horrible. its literally so obvious why petunia was so vilified— it was just because she wasnt available as a mother, a lover, or an innocent to be protected for any of the male protags. she was only given more sympathy in the end when dudley shifted roles from an antagonist to a neutral party for harry, but she was then promptly fridged as she was no longer completely vilified but still not available as a mother figure to harry.

neville was the joke character for being anxious and weak up until he started getting angrier and stronger around the 5th book. millicent bulstrode was a character that was made fun of purely because she was written as fat & dumb. cho chang was considered to be nice & smart & pretty by harry up until she got offended by something harry did and then suddenly she was completely ignored. lavender brown was made into a bad person for being like, not even mean to anyone she just wasnt nice all the time and the whole time it was being conveyed that ron was making a huge mistake for going out with her just because she wasnt nice, sometimes.

hagrid wasnt fully stereotypically masculine— he cried and showed joy and baked and owned a pink umbrella and had a soft spot for animals but he was hardly ever taken seriously. he was made into a joke sometimes even by harry, or he was looked down on like he was a child doing something silly. he usually was only taken seriously as a character when he was angry or showing off his strength.

its that gender essentialism— girls HAVE to be nice and pretty, boys HAVE to be emotionally inept and strong. all the girls that arent nice and pretty are made fun of or vilified or completely ignored, and all of the boys who arent emotionally inept and strong arent taken seriously or are developed to become like that.

[baby-honeyy]

One thing that will always baffle me is the confusion people will have around why BIPOC family members can have vastly different skin tones. Like first of all, mind your own damn business, you don't need to be asking me or my friend why she has darker skin than her brother if they have the same parents.

BECAUSE THATS HOW SKIN WORKS?

I mean come on even without any knowledge about genetics you should just understand that the amount of melanin you have isn't due to any sort of genetic super cloning.

No, melanin is a fucking chemical that fluctuates from person to person. Like yeah you can predict what the general color will be based off of the parents but its not fucking copy and paste. I mean even I don't have the same skin tone as my siblings and im WHITE.

My dad is always super tan and has red toned skin, my brother is tanner than I am and he doesn't really get very pasty pale, I am white as a sheet and the most tan I get comes in freckles. So it shouldn't come as a surprise when BIPOC families have skin tones that vary from member to member.

This rant is all because one of my friends is black and her skin is much darker than her brothers. I recently had another "friend" ask me if they had separate dads, I answered that no they don't, their parents have been married for 20 years and they only have children with eachother. This girl scoffed and asked me 'well why do they look so different, hes so light'

I told her that the color of their skin is just how genetics work and left it there. But now that I'm thinking about it more in depth I'm so fucking angry. And i wish i was better articulated so i couldve properly told her off. Because how dare she assume anything about my friends or anyone's family in the first place, and for her to blatantly fall back on harmful stereotypes and micro-aggressions is fucking ridiculous.

And the fact that she was fully prepared to ask my friend herself. This bitch was ready to ask my friend, to her face, wether or not her mother had had a child with a different man.

First of all who the fuck cares? Why would that matter in the first place?

Second, how dare you think its okay to ask her anything like that, just because they aren't fucking carbon copies of eachother. The ignorance and bigotry contained in that interaction is astronomical.

And I don't know if it's even my place to be writing about this because obviously I'm not a person of color, I've never had someone question my mother's character just because of my race and skin tone, I've never had someone question the legitimacy of my relation to my baby brother bevause we look different, ive never had a random bitch assume ANYTHING about my family just based off my race and skin tone.

So if I'm overstepping please tell me and I'll delete the post.

I'd like to know how to better stand up for my friends in situations like this though, because I dont want people like that going around me and saying shit like this to their faces.

[thoughts-of-the-unheard]

oh nothing in a book has ever made me as angry as fucking pissed off as i am now about the end of chain of iron and i have a lot to say on it (i have more to say on the last few chapters of chain of iron than i did on the entirety of the folk of the air series)

ill start with being glad lucie was able to raise jesse but definite reylo vibes there and im ignoring the end of that so watch me ignore if lucie dies ill be like yea ya know shes just,,, somewhere else but i hated how many secrets she kept from fucking everyone i mean she didnt tell a single person the whole truth of anything shes got secrets on top of secrets and thats not good but hey matthews drinking isnt good either and no one but the lucie and cordelia ever really say anything about that so theres that and im not counting james’ you dont love anyone as much as you love that bottle or w/e he said bc that wasnt talking to him to try to help and get him to stop drinking that was just a hit bc they were fighting and i hate that i hate that they were fighting bc they wouldnt have been if it wasnt for that fucking bracelet and which has caused so many fucking problems that i could cry in indignation bc its not its not fucking fair james spent the last what three years of his life in a fog not being able to feel and not being able to notice his parabatai slowly spiraling into a drunken depression from something thats not his fault at all i mean yes it is his fault that his mother took the potion but it is not his fault that the baby died thats no ones fault but whoever sold him the potion and yea he shouldnt have bought it in the first place but he was kid and he thought that was the only way he could get the truth and its unfair its fucking unfair and alistair god alistair he knows what he did in school was wrong but he saw it as the only way and now hes trying to make up for it and apologise and be a better fucking person and thomas sees that and thomas loves him for that and alistair wont let himself be loved and its not fair and anna oh anna talk about not letting yourself be loved she put on such a good front she did but she shouldnt have ariadne loves her and wants to be with her fully with her but anna has to understand the stigma of that and why ariadne cant come out yet hell thats still a problem today but we wont get into that because anna clearly loves ariadne but shes too afraid of getting hurt again and frankly she should just go for it i mean so what if you get hurt again at least youll finally feel something because i know she feels nothing for all those other girls i know theyre just replacements for ariadne and it isnt fair and speaking    of   replacements    fucking grace fuck grace but fucking grace just casually destroying james life listen i dont give a shit how she grew up i couldnt care less about how tatiana treated her and how scared she was of her because if shed just fucking helped then she wouldnt have to worry about a damn thing from tatiana i mean theres a number of things grace couldve done she couldve told the merry thieves everything and they couldve defeated belial like they are now and then no one would be around to help tatiana and grace couldve told anyone in the clave about all of tatianas shit and then they wouldnt have underestimated her and she wouldve been in a proper prison and thus unable to escape so damn easily and thus not fucking able to get to grace okay shes a fucking idiot and i hate her and i hate reading about her and im fucking disappointed in her for not taking the damn bracelet off okay i had very fucking low standards for her but i hoped she would take the bracelet off and at the very least i thought she could fucking not manipulate him further like god damn girl james is a much nicer and understanding person than i am and he would try to protect her from tatiana if he knew that grace was being threatened by her if grace took the bracelet off and told him the truth he would help her i fully believe that but since he had to find out on his own he was furious as he should be but i dont think he had to be nice to her when she showed up at the end there i mean i wouldve just yanked her in the house and started yelling at her right there fuck pretending his still under that enchantment fuck talking to her in private okay id chew her out in the entryway its not like cordelia doesnt need to know she fucking does and i think her finding out by overhearing james arguing with grace is actually a fantastic way to find out because she gets to hear everything all of what james feels and all of what grace did completely unfiltered not that james would try to hide it from her but hed definitely try to soften the blow and i just think she needs to hear the whole truth and AND i really fucking hate when characters overhear only part of something and assume the worst and run away its so common and i hate it so much and i hate how she ran to matthews because i knew it was going to happen and i knew matthew was in love with her and that it was already straining their bond because no one fucking realised that james was madly fucking in love with cordelia because of that fucking bracelet have i mentioned have i mentioned how much that bracelet pisses me off i dont think i have lets get into it so how james was unable to feel properly for three years and how his head was so foggy he was unable to think properly too and how because of that he missed matthew becoming a drunk and how the merry thieves look to james as their leader so if james isnt saying anything about it then there must not be anything to say and how james was already in love with cordelia before the bracelet and thats part of why grace couldnt control him and how he loved her for years how he was in love with her for years how no one knew this not even him because everyone thought he was in love with grace how cordelia was in love with him but thought he was in love with grace how cordelia got married to him knowing she was in love with him and thinking he was in love with someone else how she could tell he wanted her but thinking he just wanted her body and that he was still in love with grace how she’d rather have some of him than none of him at all how he picked out everything in their house with cordelia in mind how he remembered that she loves chess and she never thought he would how he learned a whole other language for her how he immediately checks on her after every battle how everyone, especially cordelia, just writes all this off as who knows what because he cant be in love with cordelia if hes in love with grace and hes obviously in love with grace how no one could ever notice there was something wrong because they were feeling the effects too how james was so in love with cordelia that that love unintentionally broke an enchantment made specifically for james by a Prince Of Hell one of the most powerful beings the entire species will ever meet and i think that covers the gracelet situation but i keep thinking of the scene where the bracelet cracks when grace first went to curzon street and kissed james and james’ mind literally thinking it was cordelia because who else would he be kissing and afterward grace saying ‘i dont know who you think you were kissing, james herondale, but it wasnt me’ and im like damn right bitch get fucked but back to cordelia running to matthews okay i know she didnt know matthew was in love with her so she wasnt doing anything wrong going to him but i kept thinking they were going to kiss or something because we all know matthews in love with her and there were a bunch of hints that cordelia might be attracted to matthew and she was upset about james and i just kept thinking something bad would happen and i was right but shit i didnt think id be like that i had no idea matthew was leaving for paris and even less of an idea that cordelia would join him and the thing is i cant even be mad i cant blame her i would probably do the same thing hell id probably ask to go with and im very proud of her for saying she’d go If matthew stops drinking i really appreicate that and i hope he gets better but the all those misses how james left the house only minutes after cordelia and arrived at matthews only minutes after they left and how he could see them at the train station could see them getting on the train and leaving and leaving him behind because his sister is missing and he shouldve ran and caught them and begged them to stay if not just to help find lucie because they both think of lucie as a sister and they absolutely wouldve stayed to help her and then there would be the chance for james to explain the gracelet situation and everything would be fine it would fine eventually and everything would be okay but NO and ive said a lot but i havent even mentioned cordelia being a paladin for fucking lilith yet where did that come from i was not expecting that ill tell ya see i thought it was odd that wayland the smith would still be alive and that it wasnt mentioned in any of the other books and i thought it was odd that some apparently god-like blacksmith would be wearing such an elegant jeweled necklace and i thought it was odd that magnus would be back from the spiral labyrinth for just a day and would be staying with hypatia instead of ya know his own place but shit id never have put it together as one person let alone lilith and i cant say it came out of nowhere because it said that edom used to be liliths so it would make sense that she would want belial gone so she could have it back but still that was unexpected but im not disappointed i mean im obviously upset that cordelia is now pledged to the mother of demons and feels like she cant even touch a weapon speaking of which what did she do with cortana where did she put it she said she dealt with it which makes me nervous but we know she couldnt have broken it or anything a) because i dont think she physically can and b) emma has cortana later but i think cordelia should keep cortana close since its the only thing that can mortally would belial and apparently he only needs one more before something happens im guessing before hes like gone gone so she definitely needs cortana and lilith wants her to kill belial so i think she should and if shes stuck as liliths paladin after that and never wants to touch a weapon again so be it but get rid of belial first ya know anyway i think there was something else i wanted to say but i cant remember so if you read all of this holy shit im sorry thats a lot i hope it was entertaining at least and i hope i didnt also get you pissed off

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

hehe glad i could make you laugh, oooh that sounds awesome! yeah id love to be tagged it sounds great :)

YES the differences are so fucking weird. like, they do know they're the same age right? i feel like its just an exagguration of how much the persons role in the group matters, like we see chan being held up as such a mature, old leader while jungkook who is literally the same age, is still babied etc. like enha hyung line is basically the same age (if a bit younger) as chenle and jisung but somehow the rules are different?? as you point out, still legal but still bizarre. hehe yeah, i mean where else are we going to rant? quora lol. mmm, hopefully more people can just write less smut abt people who are barely adults

ah, no prob it didnt take long. yeah i think thats right (i keep forgetting you know my url lol) mmhmm :( i think if that happened irl there would be some major trauma going on. knock wood it never happens to you or me lol (/hj)

hehe same! oooh glad Redemption For Cheese was realised! yess we cant rllycomplain that theyve written/produced too much good music lol. yeah, ive dragged him into being a stay so *dusts hands off* mission accomplished. mmm yeah, they tend to have a certain vibe but tbh it couldve worked if they were any other group but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ahh ur one step ahead of me on the stages of listening to ssick i think, still not convinced but thats okay! hehe, it had to be said. yesss the itch in the back of my brain is very satisfied by sorry i love you, felixs vocals deserve to be appreciated! (side note i feel like hes trying to sing more like his speaking voice, sorta husky, but tbh i wouldnt be mad if he sang like in glow, his sweet honey vocals made my life lol. but i think ive heard him say he doesnt like singing like that cos it makes his normal voice less husky, so what can you do)

> YES SOMEONE SAID IT. seungmin rap KING, he sped thru that rap like it was nothing, he deserves more rap lines. i do like how they gave minho some melodic rap lines this comeback, my guy deserved to show off those skills that made him not be eliminated (flashbacks to stay collectively wanting to murder jyp) and we already know changbin can sing, my man murdered masked singer. hyunjin can obviously sing as can jisung and felix, and i want to hear chan rap more! i feel like he started as part of 3racha (as a rap unit not producing) and then just became a vocalist (which im fine with, but it could be nice to hear him flex his rapping skills) and was partially replaced by hyunjin. anywayyy

back to album talk. lmaooo sad music to twerk to PERFECTLY describes silent cry. yes secret secret is and will always be, a masterpiece. hehe glad i could make you laugh :) i just felt like they have similar vibes. putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised. oh my beloved track, red lights. ahh thats okay, we can have different opinions, but by god the lyrics are *chefs kiss*. *banging on table* TWISTED AU TWISTED AU TWISTED AU. yess id love to see ur take on it! sdfghjkl it would have been glorious

no no! not stupid, just able to predict my brainwaves. ooooh thats so cool! makes me want to go there (wherever there is lol) yeah the waves are pretty good here, but none of my familys a surfer, so we dont rlly enjoy the full potential lol. YES moving on to gone away, it is indeed a heartwrenching track, but the vocals and the bloody key change? makes me want to brave being sad just to listen to it. mmm yeah, good point :( i feel like ive just gotten used to overthinking so much so that it doesnt matter what mood im in, ill do it anyway, so might as well just do what i feel like doing anyway.

yeah i think ur right! it is quite comforting knowing that all the tracks will get the love they deserve. i feel like also people assume kpop is just one genre which is utter bs. there are so many different vibes and feels and songs, i couldnt get into kpop (of which i thought only the bright cheerful present day bts stuff existed smh) until i heard gods menu so... idk where i was going with this but yeah. :)

YES FUCK YG, theyre literally on the brink of being kicked out of the big three and they are holding their salvation hostage without letting them do ANYTHING. idek what thought process goes thru their minds but arghhh its so infuriating. yess lisa's cb will be awesome but ot4 is the gold standard here.

hehe, glad u could get to this point. no no! u dont sound like a cult member at all lol yeah, i loooove some of their songs but the whole 23 members thing is getting to me. thats prob a common problem with nctzens but what can i say? im a simple girl with a limit to how many korean boys i can give my money to. atm im just trying to get into ateez and finish memorising enhypen's faces. also kard is kinda sucking me into their fandom atm, as well as eric name lol. ah what can you do? ooh thats good!

hehe i love it too! its exactly like online penpals, that was rlly well put. aww ty! hmm im okay, recovering from a bad case of rsv so thats fun. im doing okay mentally, starting therapy soon (after having to convince my mother that its not just smth i can brush off). physically i wont go into, basically i should be doing stretches to help but they dont completely fix it so my lazy ass doesnt do them, plus i got told recently im going to be stuck with this condition for the rest of my life so thats fun! ah, before you type smth dw abt me ill be fine. the weather atm is cloudy but warm, its been raining on and off today which is good for the garden. uhh i just finished reading sunburnt veils and im in the middle of prom theory which is rlly good. ummm ive got a concert tonight? that i may or may not be able to sing in (bc of the whole rsv thingo) and uhhhh idk. my dog is cute? im drinking tea rn? ive got a school dance coming up?

wbu? hows ur day going, how are you? whats the weather like on ur end? done anything interesting lately? found smth that makes you rlly happy? just any random thing youve been dying to tell someone?

no no! dont apologise, i love these exchanges. i think im happy to continue them for a long time :) on the other hand, if you get tired of them, feel free to just not answer at any time. goodness gracious this was a long ask haha hope it isnt too annoying

<3 w.a. 🐺

sorry it took me a bit to reply, i was fixing my theme ;n;

yeah, i figured it was because of the roles too. my friends and i still get taken aback when 3rd gen idols are the same age as 4th gen ones. in my head it doesn't add up sometimes. PLS THE RANT AT QUORA SKJDK tbh tho it's just going to be normalized as the years pass? esp that the boys are growing older and the amount of explicit fics will just increase. i might have to start blocking tags.

i had to look up the previous ask to remember what we were talking about xd i hope the events in champagne problems never happens to anyone. realistically, it probably happens a lot. damn i really won't wish that pain on anyone. dragging your brother into being a stay i whEEZED JFKSA additional noeasy music enthusiast o.o and ALL I CAN SAY WITH YOU GUSHING ABT FELIX IS AHA WHIPPEEEED OML can't blame you tho, i also want to hear felix sing more in other shades (if that makes sense HAHA) i really hope they'll do the role exchange in the next comeback :( or like in the near future bc i know they can do it :( the day i hear seungmin rapping it i will respectfully pass away. minho was given more lines this comeback thank fUCK i could rmb my irl being vocal abt her frustration. i don't get why minho barely has center time/lines in title tracks??? like the line distribution in the past eras just made me ???? if seventeen can balance lines with 13 members why cant a group of 8 do the same? moving on. i haven't watched the stray kids show simply bc i don't want to cry HAJS but i've seen clips. imagine if skz debuted without minho and felix?!?!? i rmb another irl catching bias feels towards changbin bc of the masked singer only to find out that the man's a rapper. i love how skz's vocals were highlighted this comeback :c there were a lot of mellow tracks! i find it cute when chan sings/raps bc it gets kinda obvious that he's a foreigner? the accent (im not even sure if it's the accent) it just shows. "putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised." CORRECT.

abt the twisted au o.O i'll inquire my irl if she wants to write it or not. if she doesn't want to, i'll do it. i miss writing twisted aus <3___<3 and i also miss going to the beach with my friends :' ) but it's starting to get cold here and i don't think i'll be able to enjoy the beach as much as i would if i went beaching in the summer. so maybe next summer? gone away really has an sm-ballad vibe. the thing about skz being a self-producing group, their songs don't sound like typical jype songs? and i just appreciate that bc in all honesty im not a fan of jyp groups at all. PLS the overthinking. i wish i could mute overthinking.

anyone who assumes kpop is just one genre obv hasn't listened to a single track. if kpop was just one genre why do i like some tracks more than the others??? oh you've only recently become a kpop stan? tbh im not a fan of the bright songs of bts either. i liked their older ones *chefs kiss* really matched high school vibes. yg has good artists and they're just wasting the talent ~.~ that strategy they have will get tiring eventually. people will stop waiting on blackpink and move on to newer more active groups ://

HAHAHAH yeah the 23 members is pretty overwhelming! it was the reason i didn't bother stanning before quarantine started. i don't regret stanning tho, met my ult bias in that group <3___<3 i don't really purchase albums unless i like the tracks xd ohhh getting into ateez just in time for the comeback! let me know what you think about them! i was fond of them at some point but grew out of it. good luck with memorizing enhypen! it took me a while to distinguish to people there XD i haven't checked out kard yet but chan plays their songs during lives and they're sexc hype music me likey *u*

i had to look up rsv im sorry. i'm glad you're recovering! please rest more and don't stress yourself out. bro i wish i could go to therapy too bc i have weird issues i can't justify and i need a professional to tell me what's the reason behind it. stuck with what condition btw? what happened? i'm sorry in case i just forgot. yesterday was a bit rainy for me too :(( it's not the type of rainy that makes me anxious so B) oh concert! good luck and i hope you'll be able to sing but i also don't think it's best for you rn :c what's your dog's breed? and yes i just finished drinking tea too. AAAAA i miss school dances :(( the last one i was supposed to have was cancelled bc of covid.

i was less productive today and i'm teetering between being mentally stable and becoming a hermit again. i'm anxious with a lot of things atm so like : D not the best state. today it was a bit sunny but not hot hot which was nice. i changed my theme today bc i couldn't wait for sept. 1st. and no i haven't found anything that makes me happy HAHAHA shit like that's hard to identify. don't have anything to say too, i'm just thinking about why i'm procrastinating too much atm T_T and i'm listening to this rap song atm and one of the rappers sounded like han.

it isn't annoying! i enjoy the long exchanges but i do admit it takes me awhile to type down a reply. so if i get more busy, it'll prolly take a bit longer for me to reply.

[dovewingz]

rosepetal or leopardfoot?

i like these characters so im doing them both :]

LEOPARDFOOT

Sexuality Headcanon: bi

Gender Headcanon: uhhh idek cis, she/her i guess

A ship I have with said character: ive seen so many leopardfoot ships (snowleopard has the best ship name, alsoo roseleopard, yellowleopard) and theyre cool but i dont really pay attention to any of them. i DO think leopardfoot deserves all the love and respect tho :)

A BROTP I have with said character: her and spottedleaf...... also her n goldenflower !! not shore if she ever really met either of them, i dont remember the timelines, but w/e..... they get along super well

A NOTP I have with said character: pinestar + her! for numerous reasons

A random headcanon: she never really liked thistleclaw. always got bad vibes from him. tigerpaw rlly liked him tho and she wanted her son to be happy but :/

General Opinion over said character: god. god i love her. i remember close to nothing abt her but she deserves the world

ROSEPETAL

Sexuality Headcanon: lesbian......

Gender Headcanon: cis, she/her

A ship I have with said character: um rosebriar actually! or i guess dovebriarrose, but no rosedove. its a cute rarepair i think. heres a post abt them that i like a lot

A BROTP I have with said character: bristlefrost + rosepetal is important 2 me but i already mentioned that in my bristlefrost post SOOO !!!! rosepetal and hollyleaf !! i once saw a theory that hollyleaf was the one rose had a crush on and never told. idk if i ship them or not but i do think it couldve been a veryy wholesome friendship. hollyleaf needs someone with no superpowers or magical ties to starclan in her life, i think

A NOTP I have with said character: uhhhh none that come to mind. i guess rosebumble, but idk if anyone actually ever shipped them. ive seen blossomrose maybe twice and i dont care for that but its ok

A random headcanon: she absolutely adored teaching. i mean in canon she had five apprentices lol. she never really wanted to be a mother but she loved kits, and training apprentices, and watching her apprentices become amazing warriors !!!

General Opinion over said character: rosepetal is one of those background characters who im unnecessarily attached to. she shouldve been leader, i’ll literally never forgive the erins for killing her off

[missypawz]

“Dance with me?”

"Dance with me?"

It was certainly a strange request, so sudden too, Petra knew Levi was not a man who could probably dance, or somebody graceful enough to be able to take the right steps without stepping on his partners feet, yet that didn’t stop the red head asking. Looking up at her hand with a mix of confusion and anxiousness he went to take it, he faltered for a moment and held back, feeling as if he should just push the dance onto somebody else in his squad, but that would be giving up a situation that he terribly wanted to be in, despite the worry that he would be horrific at this whole dancing ordeal. 

“Come on Captain..Just one dance! Then you can sit back down.” Her sweet voice echoed around him, making it impossible to say no to the woman, he took her smaller pale hand into his own and got up from his rather uncomfortable chair he had been seated on. “You can’t dance can you?” She wasn’t sure if it was wrong to ask. though she was too curious not too, if he didn’t know how to she could just teach him a couple simple tricks, after all no body was watching them and nothing fancy needed to be done, swaying side to side and a few twirls would be enough, any time with her captain was enough, dancing, or not, either way, but this was a special opportunity she wasn’t about to let pass by. 

Levi put his other hand up defensively. “Before you go any further, no I can’t, but i’ll still give it ago if this is what you want.” With a small nod she led his two hands onto her waist, her hands found their way onto his strong shoulders. “Like this..Then you can just step side to side, sway with the music. so this song is rather slow, so just start like this.” She started to explain, and then began swaying to the slow tune that was playing, she urged him on to follow and he began to do the same, surprisingly not falling over his feet, or stepping on Petra’s, as that would be majorly embarrassing. 

"See..you're doing it perfectly!" She praised, making a feeling of warmth swell up inside of him, it wasn't often somebody would praise him for things, people would mention his titan kills and other things that didn't bother him, but Petra telling him he was doing something perfectly? That made him feel strangely special, even when she would say that to anyone to make them feel more confident in themselves.

"Yeah..it isn't too bad, plus we look better than all the shitty snobs here with their fancy jewelry and expensive dresses." That earned a small laugh from Petra, she could only agree with him, the citizens from wall sina and a few of the higher ups were all wearing long flowing dresses in an arrangement of colours that really weren't anything special, they had gold jewelry wrapped around their neck and made into rings on their fingers, some had gold and silver earrings that dazzled whenever they hit the light, most wore heels with their outfits, the clacking of the heel could be heard on the marbel floor and whenever they took a step during the dance.

"Yes I suppose you're right, you look much better than the 'shitty snobs', I hope that isn't too out of line to say." While speaking to him she looked into his eyes, his eyes that were a steel colour yet sometimes looked an icy blue colour when certain lights hit them.

"Not at all, it's a simple compliment, you look nice too." There was much more he couldve said than a simple 'nice' though the words couldn't manage to come out of his mouth, perhaps it was nerves. She was wearing a dusky pink dress that was fitted to her top half and then splayed out towards the bottom, making it flow whenever she twirled or moved a little too enthusiastically in the dance, there was a small lacey detail around her waist which Levi thought was a wonderful detail and added a lot to the outfit, it made it less plain. Accompanying the outfit was a pair of silver coloured flats, they went well with the dress.

On her small wrist there was a bracelet which Levi could only just make out to have a heart indented into it, perhaps it was from a family member for a special occasion like her birthday, or maybe Christmas.

"Ah thank you..its strange to dress up don't you think?" Levi noticed her eyes move from his own and down and back up again, he was wearing a simple black suit with dark trousers and a pristine white shirt, he wore simple black shoes and of course the outfit was completed with his cravat, something he liked wearing, if that wasn't obvious by now. As his cravat was made out of his mother's shirt that he'd managed to keep in good condition since he wore it as a child, it still gave him something to feel close to her, a part of her was still there and he liked to wear it as much as he could, he wasn't sure what he would do if something happened to it one day.

"I suppose, it's not terrible to dress up every so often still, just being stuck in his stuffy place is the real problem." The room was rather warm, people would shove against him and Petra earning them a glare, or would bump into them while trying to move around, people were warm from dancing so much and that made the atmosphere even hotter.

"Yes, how about we take our leave outside? Just for a moment to get some fresh air." She proposed her idea and got a hum of acknowledgment from Levi. "I like your thinking, let's go." As he moved his hands from her waist he felt himself reaching to hold her hand in his own again, he stopped and let her grab his own instead before making her way through the crowd, the raven behind. "Now where are those two off to?" Of course the squad had noticed the raven and ginger hair walking through the crowd, the only thing they could see of the two, they were both quite small after all.

"Much cooler." She let out a sigh of relief as they got outside into the garden, levi inhaled the cold air and then exhaled back out, it was much nicer out here, the birds were chirping still despite how late it was, the fairy lights that lit up the garden were still shining bright, illuminating the pair.

"Definitely.." he agreed, the two stood there quietly for a moment before the red head put her hands on his shoulders again. "I know I said that I only wanted one dance..but after that first one it would be really nice to get a second one, so now we're more alone, can I have a second dance captain?" Before he could think his hands were on her waist again, wanting this as much as she did, it was rather romantic in his opinion, but then again he didn't really know what was classed as romantic and what was not. "I.. think I can manage a second dance for you Ral."

"Thank you Ackerman." She pressed a small kiss onto his cheek as a thank you, taking him off guard for just a moment, this was the most fun he'd had at a gathering like this, he wouldn't lie to himslef, he only hoped there were many more dances to come in the future with Petra and Petra only.

[chaineduploosesoicanfitin]

I have some issues about Love Victor that apparently people have addressed, mainly the pacing and underdeveloped relationship between Benji and Victor. BUT there are also a few OTHER (probably minor) things that bothered me that I have to get off my chest.

1. Pilar was probably one of the most interesting characters and they didn’t really DO much with her. They could’ve explored both Pilar’s and Mia’s relationships with their mothers a lot more. They couldve played with the dynamic of one girl having a mom and very suddenly developing trust issues with her vs a girl who doesnt have a mom and has already developed trust issues with women but is now gaining a “mom” very suddenly. Instead, with Pilar, it was “Teenage girl understandably mad at mom for the thing she did. Girl with no mom and trust issues with women talks to her about parents not having it all together. Teenage girl no longer mad at mom but still is kind of. And here’s a few things she does to move the plot along even though nothing really comes out of it.” Mia could’ve been her new best friend (along with Felix) and I think they tried to make it seem like that when she got upset about Victor and the letter. But its hard to believe when they only interacted maybe a few times after that and it wasn’t anything special.

2. There were a lot of plots that just kinda ended?? Like the whole, Pilar finding out about the letter situation. That leads to her asking Benji about the trip. And you WOULD THINK that leads to Benji and Derek breaking up BUT THEY DIDNT EVEN BREAK UP OVER THE KISS!! Benji broke up with him because he didn’t want to be with Derek anymore. They spend an entire episode with her being angry and a detective just so when she confronts VICTOR about the letter, he basically tells her to calm down and she does and....That’s it?? They were seen smiling and such walking home and it makes it seem like she’s no longer mad at him so....what was the point of it??

2a. And the mentioning of Armando doing something so bad was just explained off! They built so much tension for EPISODES! It was made to be such a terrible terrible thing and once its revealed its just kind of accepted? No one really shows any anger towards Armando. Which is fine because what Armando did wasn’t even THAT BAD to begin with?? I mean violence is wrong and everything but at least it was justified in some capacity. But then if thats the case, don’t build tension if something isnt going to come out of it.

2b. It was very minor but they made it a big deal so I noticed it. Why didn’t anyone, specifically Mia, find out about Victor lying about his trip?? He told his family that it was a basketball trip and told Mia it was a trip with his Dad and then NOT ONCE did Mia ask how his trip was. She was LITERALLY talking to Pilar before Victor walks up to her at her locker and she didn’t mention it at all??? Not a “How’d your dad and Victor’s trip go?” Or “what time did Victor and your dad get in last night?” Or even asked how his trip was in front of Pilar. Nothing! If she did, that would’ve been a nice conversation and wouldve created tension about him lying between Mia and Victor AND Pilar and Victor. Then the whole letter thing wouldve been more “intense” and it might’ve drove Victor to Benji more. Instead, he lied, he got away with it. The end. That’s not what you’re supposed to focus on because he had a gay ol’ time in gay ol’ New York!

3. The dialogue, specifically for Lake was atrocious that they basically abandon at some point. I guess because she starts liking Felix. But it was still terrible.

4. Lake was kinda terrible. Liking Felix didn’t make up for it. Her mom being terrible wasn’t an excuse. I liked the fact that she supported Mia in whatever she did however. That’s what best friends are supposed to do. But she was still kinda terrible.

2c because I remembered something else. What happened with the grandparents?? They get told off and they’re suddenly accepting and then.....?????

5. Not enough Sophia Bush................Okay this one is a personal issue because I’m in love with Sophia Bush but STILL

The point is though....Idk the show is FINE but that’s all it is. There are good things about the show and I’m not knocking that! I think Mia is interesting and Felix must be protected at all times! Not to mention the representation of POCs and the presence of a interracial couple that didn’t involve a white character. And Sophia Bush is in it!!! I just can’t sit here and act like its soooo good when its not. It’s fine.