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d6volution · 1 year ago

Text

Corporeal.

Caine/Fem!Reader

caine wants to learn more about humans, so why not become one himself? surely, these new waves of emotions and new desires won't become an issue.

requested by: @kenenergy

tags: mutual pining, eventual smut, fluff, human!caine, lingerie, reader is down bad for caine but won't admit it.

Chapter one.

"I just don't know bubble! After letting them all down about the exit I feel... a little guilty?" Was that the correct wording? Humans were far more complex than he could imagine. But, oh, so interesting.. what could he do to learn from them better? He tapped the bottom of his jaw with a gloved finger in thought.

"Well, maybe you could—" Bubble began but Caine cut him off before he could get a word out, "Gadzooks you're right bubble! To understand them, I have to become like them! Of course! What a great adventure that'll be!" He exclaimed and extended his arms out in delight.

"I'll get a brand new.. body! All equip with artificial human emotions, looks, the works!"

Caine said , happily agreeing with himself. All it'd take was a snap of his fingers.

"Can I have body too, Caine..? I'd absolutely.. love to.. hug everyone.." Bubbles voice drifted off strangely at the end of that sentence and Caine stared... that certainly wasn't a good idea.

"Uh.. no!" He said just as cheerfully as if he were to agree.

SNAP!

the following day..

Knock, knock, knock!

The noise broke you out of your extremely light sleep. You got out of bed without issue, feeling groggy wasn't exactly a thing here. "Coming.. coming.." You sighed and pushed aside the fluffy comforter, rubbing your eyes and stretching out your body. It was still taking some getting used to.. you dragged yourself to the door and swung it open, Ragatha stood there, hands clasped in front of her. She gave a small wave, "Hey, y/n! Uh, Caine called everyone to the main hall, so I just came by to.. get you." Her sentence trailed off with a little chuckle as she pushed some of her red locks from her face.

"Oh, thanks Ragatha." At the mention of Caine you seemes unconsciously adjust your clothing and hair, what can you say? He's a charismatic man.. it was hard not to be a little attracted to him. Not like it would lead to anything, he certainly didn't seem to be interested in you humans, not anymore than playthings at least.

"Let's get going then, don't wanna keep everyone waiting." You flashed a kind smile at the doll like woman and you both walked together to where the others were already gathered, exchaning mundane conversation on the way.

"Well, well well glad you ladies could make it!"

"C.. Caine..!? What the [censor] !?" Your eyes were nearly popping out of your sockets and even ragatha seemed taken aback, mouth agape.

"We can't have that, y/n but I will give you a pass because I'm sure you are quite surprised by my apperance!" He said followed by a wacky sound.

"Yeah........" Zooble chimed in , "Welcome to the party."

Caine was.. human? His face was chiseled like an old timey talk show host. Dark brown hair was skicked back except a single curled strand hanging above his forehead ... he, of course, had on his iconic red suit and still held his baton, but he was just.. human now. And fuck was he handsome. Just what his goal?

"I'm sure you're all wondering why exactly I look—"

"Who cares," Jax said, arms crossed. Clearly annoyed, it almost seemed like Caine was mocking them in his opinion, "What about us? Does this mean we can get our human bodies back?"

Oh.. oh. You didn't even think about that, he's right. At least you'd feel a bit more normal here, surely there had to be a way. With a tinge of hope in your eyes you looked at Caine, waiting for his answer.

"Ah—" Caine raised a finger, but it soon fell. "Well.. no. This is simply coding, ones and zeros, Jax! Nothing more." He said, his grin a bit more charming when hes human, though now that you get a good look at him the 'coding' on him was too perfect. His skin had zero imperfections and his teeth were inhumanly white.

"So, our adventure today will be a little different! None of those devious little gloinks to steal your things away, no no! Just different trials for human emotions! Who will crack first!? Who will cry first !? Oh, the horrors! And I will be standing by to drink up everyones reactions!"

Everyone stood in silence, some annoyed some just downright confused. But, they didn't exactly have a choice but to follow through with the new adventure.

"Now go on my little superstars! Head to the dining area with the other NPCs!" He shoos you off but you purposely linger behind, waiting for the others to head off first.

"Yes, y/n, can I help you dear?!" He said , unknowingly in your personal space. But it quickly became apparent as his expression seemed to shift a little, usually it wouldn't bother him.. being this close to you but now, as a 'human' it felt a little strange. Causing him to clear his throat.

"O.. Oh nothing, I just.. wanted to say being a human.. kinda suits you Caine." You laughed a little and skipped off into the dining area leaving Caine with a flushed face. He touched his cheek, confused by the weird reaction he was having.. humans sure are interesting creatures.

Inside the dining area everyone was sat down with a the wooden mannequin NPC, they spoke to each person differently. Trying to provoke a reaction out of them, it must have been apart of Caine's way of getting you all to release different emotions he could learn from.

You took your seat in front of the wooden doll, [Y/N, welcome, you're late you should be ashamed of yourself.] The voice was robotic and out of habit you almost snapped back, but that's what Caine wanted probably. After all everyone was either close to strangling the faux mannequin or getting up to leave out of frustration. Caine made sure the trials pushed their buttons.

"God.. what is Caine thinking, this is so .. weird." Zooble commented, leaning back against their chair as their mannequin had been.. well out of commission thanks to them. "Hey.. where'd y/n go..?"

You found a way to sneak off, seeking out Caine again. You had more questions about this.. human transformation of his, not only that there had to be a way to get him to turn you all human again. It could be the first step to getting out of here.

You rounded the corner and shuffled back behind it, peeking past it to see Caine getting a haircut from bubble. "Anddd.. There!" With comically large scissors he snipped off a ungodly chunk of hair, without thinking Caine popped bubble and made all the chair he was sitting in disappear. His hair reappearing perfectly as if it hadn't been cut at all!

Your mouth dropped.

"Oh, y/n! Shouldn't you be at the trials? What slippery little snake you are, come now let's get you back!" He got close to you and you shuffled back, to avoid being instantly teleported back there. "W.. Wait! Caine.. I had a few questions."

"Questions? What about?" His eyes studided yours, "Oh, right, of course! This must be about my handsome new human face correct?" He said with a all to charming grin.

"Well, ... yes.. Don't you think you should have a human test the validity of your new... er.. body." You said attempting to close the distance between you, and he allowed it. You extended a hand and caressed his face, he looked at you with wide eyes.

"Did I.. perhaps get something wrong here?" He said a little confused, the close proximity between you two was causing him to flush uncontrollably. "Well, your face is a bit.. too perfect? Still so.. did you make yourself attractive on purpose?" You caught yourself tracing the features of his face and had to pull back.

"Well.. yes! Humans seem to respond well to, a more attractive face!"

It was getting a little awkward for the both of you, Caine cleared his throat. "Note taken! Will ..there be anything else y/n? If not then chop chop, your trials are almost finished!" He didn't let you answer, too confused and taken aback by these feelings coursing through his veins. He snapped his fingers and you were back in the chair with the damn mannequin.

Great.

Meanwhile Caine was still hovering in place, touching the same place you had caressed him a moment ago. "Humans sure are.. interesting, what a strange feeling!" He said and lifted his hat where bubble emerged from. "Day one, I will call a success bubble! One step closer to understanding these bundle of emotions we call humans!"

Later that night, Caine was sure everyone else was in their rooms before he too attempted to "sleep" it was apart of the learning process he thought. He desperately tried to push back the unraveling emotions in his body. Your fingertips, lips and even voice was encompassing his every waking thought.

Perhaps it would be smart to stay close to you throughout this experience. You are making his body and mind react in such strange ways and you've hardly done anything.

Surely, this won't have any repercussions later.

(next chapter.)

#the amazing digital circus #ask #caine x reader #tadc caine #the amazing digital circus caine #caine x reader smut

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cntloup · 10 months ago

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Close Call

Fem!Reader angst, mention of death, mention of trauma, mention of suicide

Simon sits on the bar stool as he quite often does when he needs some alone time after missions although he usually doesn't drink this much during these self debriefing sessions but this last mission was a real tough one. He had a close call while clearing an enemy's building and he was scared shitless... like truly frightened out of his wits. He had never felt that way before until in that moment. Of course he always made sure to stay focused and finish the mission as unharmed as possible, but he never feared for his life to that extent because this time was different. He had you. What would happen to you if he was gone? How heartbroken would you be? Would all the pain come back? All that trauma you suffered from. All that heavy weight which he took off your shoulders. And you did the same for him. Oh how brave and strong you are in his eyes even though you don't see it yourself but he makes sure to make you believe in yourself step by step. Never pushing and prying too much just as you do with him... just as patient as you are. Would you survive if something happened to him? As much as he wants to stop these thoughts, he can't help but think about a conversation you once had on this topic. About how you wouldn't want to keep living if you ever lost him. He quickly pushes the thoughts away as the adrenaline and the extreme fear he experienced subside. He stands up just as a group of young people enter the bar chatting and laughing loudly already wasted probably bar hopping. As they settle, he reaches for his wallet to pay for the shots and leave as soon as possible. He misses you, but he needed some time to think those things through before seeing you. He didn't want you to see him in that state and god forbid to snap at you. As he gathers his stuff and begins to leave, one of the girls comes forward "where you goin, handsome? You seem kinda wasted. Do you need a ride?" 'Wasted my ass, just say you wanna get laid' he thought but replied coldly "Home. And no." "Well, it's still early. We can go to my place" she slurrs her words as her hand starts to touch his bicep which he quickly shakes off and states firmly "I have a wife who I love very much and I miss her as I haven't seen her for a while because of work. So please step aside so I can leave." He speaks to her calmly and tries not to be overly aggressive and harsh as she is quite young and apparently drunk. She gets out of his way disappointed and he starts walking towards the door but he stops and turns around "Oi!" The girl turns her head "Stop inviting random strangers to your house!" Then he leaves and gets into a cab to finally come home to you.

comments/reblogs are greatly appreciated ♥

#simon riley #simon ghost riley #simon riley x reader #simon ghost riley x reader #simon riley x you #simon ghost riley x you #cod x reader #ghost x reader #cod fanfic #ghost cod #cod ghost #ghost call of duty #call of duty #cod mw2 #cod #mw2 #cod modern warfare #call of duty modern warfare #call of duty x reader

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messylustt · 2 years ago

Note

Hey! Could you maybe write a little something where the reader takes care of Ethan because he begins to come down with a really bad cold? Poor love is all sniffly and sneezy, so the reader just wants to smother him with affection during this time <3

this is so cute

✫ ;: .. TISSUES / ethan landry

kissing; this is pure fluff; established relationship

You knock on Chad and Ethan’s dorm. You had been worried all day, Ethan's text having been vague in his reasoning for not making it to class.

Chad opens the door, smiling upon seeing you. "Y/n!"

You smile, though it soon drops as you speak. "Is Ethan here?"

Chad's brows furrow. "Oh, he didn't text you?"

Now its your turn to furrow your brows. "About what?"

Then Chad breaks into a small chuckle, shaking his head. "God."

"What?" You ask, growing more worried.

Chad steps aside. "He's just in his room."

You narrow your eyes on Chad and his strange behaviour. You pass him, quickly making your way to Ethan's bedroom door. You knock. In response you hear Ethan mumble something before speaking louder. "Chad, please fuck off."

You glance back at Chad. "Did you do something?"

Chad raised his hands, proving his innocence. "He's just being a wimp. I don't know why he's so embarrassed."

"Embarrassed?" You again question.

Chad gestures to the door, telling you to just go in, before he wanders somewhere else in the dorm. You grab the handle, twisting and pushing.

"Seriously, Chad—" Ethan pauses, seeing you standing in the doorway. He stares at you, his cheeks pinkening, but as you take in his appearance you notice just how red they were before. You then notice the tissues scattered in a pile on the floor.

Your face softens as you realise. Ethan's sick. You rush over, shutting the door, as you toss your bag to the side. You place the back of your hand against Ethan's forehead. "Shit, your extremely hot."

"No you are." He joked, trying to make the creases on your forehead smooth out, before a cough followed.

"Oh, Ethan." You softly chuckle, taking a seat on the bed, your hand moving to touch his red hot cheeks. He sniffled, turning away.

Now you realise why Chad had said embarrassed. "Ethan, why are you so embarrassed? You should have texted me. I would have come over."

"Because thats what I didn't want to happen." He mutters.

"You have nothing to be embarassed about." You say, taking out your bottle of water from your bag. "Everyone gets sick."

"Yeah, but i look..." He sneezes, having quickly grabbed a tissue from the nearly empty box on his bedside table.

You hand him your bottle of water after he had taken the tissue away. "Plus I don't want you to get sick." He says, eyes slightly widening as if just realising this, as he tries to move farther away from you.

"Ethan." You stop him, placing your hand over his. "I don't care how you look when your sick. In fact your red nose is kinda cute, actually." You smile before turning more solemn. "But I don't want you to be sick. So, next time text me, and let me help you. No room for emarrassment. Alright?" You say sternly.

Ethan hesitates as he again turns his head away. You sigh. "I'll kiss you." You threaten to which he whips his head back.

"That's not a great threat." He says, his eyes dropping to your lips.

"I thought you didn't wanna get me sick?" You question, grabbing the end of the woolen blanket, placing it better over his body.

"Well, if I get a kiss I think it'd be worth it." He smiles, a cute tilt to his head.

You fake feeling offended as you go to stand up. Ethan quickly grabs your hand keeping you next to him. "I won't kiss you. I won't." He says quickly, looking desperate for you not to leave.

A smile edges your lips. "Good." You say, before leaning slightly closer. "Because you can get one when your better if you let me help you, and if you tell me next time."

Ethan slowly nods. "Alright."

Your smile widens, squeezing his hand before you stand. "Where are you going?" Ethan quicky asks, his hand quickly having glued to yours.

"Just to get a hot cloth. I'll be back." You say, getting out of his hold and walking towards the connected bathroom.

You soon walk back with a heated cloth to see that Ethan has placed all the tissues that had previously scattered the floor into a small plastic bag.

"You didn't have to do that." You say, laying him back down as you press the hot compress on his forehead.

His nose scrunches up. "Yes I did. It's disgusting."

"It's normal." You correct. "And remember I really don't care."

Ethan slowly nods, as a large smile forms on his face. He stares at you as you press the cloth against his forehead, brows creased in concentration. He didn't know what he did to deserve you. You'd always been there when he needed or even just when he wanted. You'd always helped in, with whatever. And now he couldnt look away from your pretty face as you took care of him.

When it got late and you had planned to leave, Ethan grabbed your wrist. "Can you...can you stay?" His question was followed by a cough.

You nod. "Of course."

Soon Ethan managed to drift off with your hand tightely held in his own.

. . .

When Ethan awoke he saw you slumped in a chair, knocked out, your hand still holding on to his. He quickly sat up, noticing his lack of a headache, but also the fact that you had slept there the entire night.

His brows furrowed in annoyance at himself for not letting you sleep somewhere more comfortable. In his sick state he hadn't noticed that you sat in a seat when he was drifting to sleep.

He looked down at your interwined hand, a smile forming, as he rubbed his thumb over your soft skin. You were too good to him. He was thankful that his nose had cleared along with his head, because now he could kiss you. And as he pressed his lips to the back of your hand, he felt you stir.

You slowly blinked awake, stretching, but pausing when you felt Ethan's grip followed by a soft kiss to your wrist. You looked at him to see he'd sat up, colour back to his cheeks and his nose no longer red.

You smiled realising he wasn't sick anymore. You meet his gaze, and saw every emotion swirling within, making your breath hitch. Ethan grinned before pulling you towards him by your hand making you gasp. You land against his body, as he wraps his arms around your waist.

"Ethan." You chuckle, as he quickly kisses you neck and jaw before hovering over your lips. "I get a kiss don't I?"

You purse your lips, hiding your amused smile. "I said one. You've already had...i don't know…four."

Ethan's smile grows larger. "Oh, I thought when you said kiss. You meant plural." In his own response, he kisses your lips, slightly knocking your head back, as he carefully sucks on your bottom lip.

Your hand leads to his hair, as he slips his hands to grab your thighs, spreading them over his lap. You place your hand on his chest, breaking the kiss. Ethan frowns, following your lips. "Hey, I've been sick."

"Exactly. It might not be completely out of your system."

He tries to lean in again, but you manage to get off his lap, holding your hands out with a smile on your face. "We can't be late." You say regarding uni. Ethan groans.

"But we get to continue after?" He asks, standing and walking up to you.

"Maybe." You mutter, teasing him, before you grab your bag, patting down your hair, as you walk out of his room.

"Maybe?!" He's in disbelief.

"Get dressed." You call back with chuckle. Both your faces have an immovable smile present. And it lasts for the rest of the day.

I have like no fluff on my blog, so I made this somewhat tooth-rotting

kisses, holly

#the ethan effect #ethan landry #ethan landry oneshot #ethan landry x reader #ethan landry x y/n #ethan landry x you #jack champion #jack champion x reader #scream #scream 6 #jack champion x y/n #ethan landry fluff #jack champion fluff #scream fluff #scream 6 fluff

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pearbunny · 9 months ago

Text

the bucket list ✘ [thirteen]

series masterlist | prev | next [ ❀ spotify playlist]

summary: Fly to Korea. Check. Buy a bouquet of flowers for a stranger. Check. Have said stranger come along with you to accomplish your bucket list? Well that wasn’t on the list, but falling in love was.

pairing: han jisung x afab!reader

genre: 18+ [MDNI] strangers to lovers, non idol au, crack, fluff, angst, comfort, eventual smut.

general warnings: tourist!mc, adult themes including but not limited to: suggestive content, nudity, cursing, alcohol consumption, mentions of death in later chapters, overarching theme of mental health, eventual smut.

word count: 5.5k

chapter content: bittersweet. everything is bitter sweet. extremely brief mention of deceased loved ones. mc and jisung go to an aquarium! angst hidden behind fluff! Conversation about fate/destiny, inyeon.

You move slowly as you start to repack your luggage for the trip back home. You’re a little tired from the dinner party last night which is why you’re taking your time with the task, but in reality it’s because the whole thing is kind of saddening. As you place your clothes in your packing cubes, you set aside the clothes you plan to wear on the plane tomorrow morning.

Jisung knocks on the doorframe, peeking his head in. “Need any help?”

You give him a small chuckle, looking up at him from your spot in the middle of the floor. “You don’t have to knock, it’s your room.”

Jisung enters the room and sits on his bed, moving aside the clothes you laid out. “Well, what if you were indecent or something?” The tiniest smirk plays at his lips, finding his own joke oh-so-hilarious.

With a deadpan stare, you playfully ball up a shirt and throw it at him, “Oh, like you haven’t seen me naked before.”

Jisung laughs and catches the shirt, folding it neatly and setting it aside soon after. “How are you feeling?”

“I don’t know,” Your eyes drift back to your suitcase and your hands go back to folding items to pack. “I mean, I do know. I don’t wanna go back home.” You chuckle sadly, shrugging your shoulders in defeat.

Jisung looks at you with a small smile on his lips. He doesn’t want you to go home either; he wants to say, ‘then don’t’, but he doesn’t need to. You know that's what he wants to say, and you both know that he can’t say it. Instead, he leans forward, placing his elbows on his knees, bringing himself closer to you. “Well, you’re still here, so let’s not waste it, yeah?”

You match his smile and nod your head, placing your hands in your lap. “Okay, yeah. Can we…” You pause and think about your bucket list. When you remember a specific to-do list item, your smile wides and you release a small giggle. “Can we find a fountain to make a wish at?”

“Yes, let's make a date of it.” Jisung places his hands on his thighs, bracing himself as he pushes himself off the bed. He takes a step towards your sitting form and extends both hands to you, palms up.

You place your hands in his with a large smile on your face, eyes soft as you look up at him. Your head had been swimming in circles, thinking about your flight home, leaving Korea behind, leaving Jisung behind, but now, you’re relieved, choosing to only worry and think about today, not the flight home tomorrow morning.

“So,” You pause your speech to squeeze Jisung’s hand, fingers laced with yours. The date was planned loosely, both of you decided to take advantage of the beautiful day, opting to set aside the car for a nice walk.

You wore a flowy white midi-skirt with a slightly oversized graphic white tee-shirt, tied to be cropped and cinched at your waist. Your hair up in a messy bun with a claw clip, a canvas tote bag hanging on your shoulder carrying not only your essentials, but a light brown knit cardigan just in case it got cold in the evening.

Jisung wore an open, unbuttoned khaki collared shirt, a loose white tee underneath, with black linen slacks, cuffed at the ankles. A simple casio watch on his wrist, a silver ring on his index finger, and a small pendant-free chain around his neck. Both of you had on some white old beaten up sneakers, deciding to err on the side of comfort for the last day.

“So?” Jisung starts to swing your linked hands together, looking at you with a gummy bright smile.

“Where are we going?” You both come to a stop at the corner of the street, a small crowd of people joining you to wait for the pedestrian light.

“Well, after food, I wanted to take you to the aquarium,” Jisung shrugs nonchalantly, as if there was no pressure into the situation. You, however, knew how much Jisung loved animals through the little facts he would sprinkle into your conversations, the books on his shelf about animals, the small wolf figurine on his desk. Maybe it didn’t mean much to him, but you were thankful that he was willing to share this time and hobby with you.

When you and Jisung finish at a small Japanese restaurant, you quickly find that this place was one of his favorite places to visit. The owner knew him by name and not only did Jisung have a regular order that the waitress knew by heart, but even gave the both of you the opportunity to try out an off the menu item that they were working on. Needless to say, you both left with full stomachs and happy grins on your faces.

“Do you take all of your lady friends there, Jisung?” You rest your hand on your full and round stomach, savoring the Japanese curry bowl you had.

Jisung laughs and gives you a raised brow, “What? No, of course not. Why would you think that?”

You eye him with a playful smile, “Well, seemed like they were really talking you up in there.”

Jisung laughs louder, taking a step close to you and nudging your shoulder gently. “Maybe because I’m just a nice customer!”

“M’hmm,” You link your arm with Jisung’s, letting him lead you to your next destination. You’re not sure what comes over you, maybe it’s a slight bit of hypothetical jealousy thinking about the possibility of Jisung bringing his past love interests to the places he’s shown you. “Have you had a lot of girlfriends?”

Jisung chuckles, rolling his eyes while he looks ahead. “No. Not at all.”

You almost scoff, “You don’t have to lie, Ji.”

“I’m not lying. I know I seem like it, but I don’t actually have the best luck in the dating department.” Jisung bites the inside of his cheek, a little ashamed.

“What? Really?” That was hard for you to believe, especially since from what Jisung has shown you, he’s been an extremely sweet, smooth, empathetic person. There’s no way people weren’t waiting in line to date him.

“Yeah,” He pauses, lips forming a thin line as he tries his best to explain, “A lot of the flirting is just surface level. You tell them what a person wants to hear, inflate their ego a little bit.”

You swat at his arm gently.

He laughs and rubs at the sore spot dramatically. “But I don’t usually connect with people beyond that. Sharing feelings, holding hands, kissing… It all makes me nervous. I start to get in my head.”

”You don’t seem to have any problems doing that stuff with me.”

“Well,” Jisung unlinks your arms and instead, holds your hand, bringing the inside of your wrist up to his lips for a chaste yet sweet kiss, “That’s because you’re different.”

You try to fight the blush that forms on your cheeks; the bubbly feeling in the pit of your stomach that slowly climbs up into your lungs to make you feel like you’re floating on air. You know what that feeling is and you know that feeling isn't productive, not when you’ll be on a plane home tomorrow morning.

In an attempt to change the subject, you look around to find that you were in front of a convenience store with little machines for kids to either win or buy toys from. You pointed at one specifically, filled with small plastic containers with red caps on them, little prizes or toys inside. “Look, Ji. I used to bother my mom for money to get a ring from these vending machines when I was younger.”

You crouch down, balancing yourself on the balls of your foot, trying to get a better look at the toys inside.

Jisung watches over you with a smile on his lips. He shoves his hand in his pocket, finding some loose change from the lunch you shared. Crouching next to you, he places a coin into the slot, hand on the knob. He’s about to turn it, but pauses to look at you, “Which one do you want?”

You reposition yourself multiple times, trying to get a real good look at the variety of rings. There are a couple of heart shaped ones, mostly in pink or red, the usual ones that mimic large oval and teardrop shaped diamonds and gemstones, but there are also fun ones in the shape of stars and shells, even a rainbow. Then, you point at one in particular. “I really like that one!”

Jisung looks at it and nods, “Okay, here’s hoping that’s the one we get.” With a turn of the knob and a cranking sound, the coin disappears and out of the machine comes a plastic capsule. Jisung maneuvers both himself and his hands to cover up the ring inside, causing you to laugh and shake his shoulders gently. Dramatically, Jisung gasps, taking a peek at the toy ring.

“What? Which one did you get!”

You watch Jisung’s face drop, his brows furrowing, creating a crease on his forehead. He frowns, lips in a tight line. “Show me, Ji!” You don’t really care if it was the one you wanted, all of the rings were really cute, you just wanted to know which one he got.

Playfully, you poke at his side, trying to get him to turn around to show you. He tsks at you which makes you a little upset. You stand up and cross your arms, tapping your foot. “Han Jisung!”

Jisung laughs and rolls his eyes at your impatience. He turns around to face you, this time on one knee. He laughs nervously, taking the ring in his hand, showing it to you. “Y/N, Marry me?”

“W–what?” You’re completely taken aback. The confusion on your face is so apparent that Jisung’s nervous laugh turns into a full grown fit, laughing from his chest with his head thrown back. Your palms start to sweat as he continues to laugh, you uncross your arms and subconsciously, you rub your hands on the front of your skirt.

With a shrug of his shoulders, he sticks his hand out with the ring towards you. “Seungmin said we should get married so you could stay in Korea with us.”

‘Me’, he means. He wants you to stay with him. Staying with Seungmin and the rest of them was just a fun addition.

“And it's the ring you wanted, so.. Maybe it’s a sign.”

You finally look at the ring and it is the ring you were hoping to get. It was a plastic light blue gem in the shape of a bear, the cuts in it making it shine brilliantly as if it were made from a real gem stone. In the center around its neck was a small chrome pink ribbon.

Jisung holds his hand out towards you and you place your left hand in his, allowing him to slip the ring on to your ring finger. He struggles gliding it on and you laugh together when it is sufficiently stuck on the knuckle. Jisung takes it off your finger and resizes it, pulling apart the shiny plastic ring ever so slightly. “Good thing these are adjustable.” He slips it back on to your finger and it's a perfect fit.

You admire the adorable little ring on your hand, smiling to yourself at how ridiculous it all was while Jisung stands back up from his knee, dusting himself off. Your eyes dart back to the stand of toy vending machines, looking for a ring for him as well. “I got to get you one, too!”

Jisung raises a brow, “No you don’t. Men don’t get engagement rings.”

You scan the different machines, getting a good look of the different toys inside. Some had stickers, others had toy cars and little baby figurines. When you find one, you point at it, turning to Jisung behind you, “You’re telling me you don’t want this really cool dinosaur ring?”

Jisung quickly goes to the machine you’re at, looking over the options. He nods his head once, as if this is the most serious matter to him. “Okay. You’ve won me over. I want an engagement ring, too.”

You laugh and hold out your hand to him, looking for another coin. Jisung’s eyes go wide, appalled. “I’m paying for my engagement ring?”

“Do you want the dinosaur ring or not?”

With a melodramatic huff, Jisung shoves his hand in his pocket and takes out a coin, placing it in your open palm. You put the coin into the machine and crank the knob,a clicking-like sound coming from the machine until the ring comes out. You uncap the small plastic capsule and show him the ring inside, a large green squishy dinosaur with a long neck and tail on a plastic metal adjustable ring. “It’s a brontosaurus!”

Jisung laughs at you and takes the ring, placing it on his finger. “It’s actually not a brontosaurus.”

You take his hand as he shows it to you, staring at the dinosaur. “It’s not?”

With a shake of his head, he adjusts the ring so that the green dinosaur sits straight, “Those don’t technically exist. Well, they exist, but that’s not what they’re called. They’re called Apatosauruses.”

When Jisung flips his hand over in the air so that his palm faces downward towards the ground, fingers stretched out, you bring your hand up to his, placing your palms together. Easily, Jisung closes his fingers around your hand and leads you forward. With a beaming smile, you look up at him, squirting your eyes a little in curiosity, “Jisung, tell me; were you a dinosaur boy growing up?”

“Oh yes, absolutely. Definitely more dinosaurs than cars.”

After a bit of walking, you find yourselves in a busier area, shops and fun cafe’s lining the wider street. One in particular captures your eye. “Jisung, you know how couples have photoshoots?”

Jisung nods his eyes, taking his phone out to look at the directions to the aquarium again. “Yeah, they’re kinda’ corny, to be honest.”

“Oh,” You try to fight the pout forming on your lips.

When Jisung looks up from his phone, he notices the change in your mood, eyebrows shooting up in panic. “I – I mean, they’re not something I would do normally! I just feel super awkward taking photos, that’s all.”

“Well,” You tug his hand and his attention towards the photobooth studio down the street, “Would you at least humor me for today?”

“For you?” Jisung leads the way to the shop, “Anything.” He laughs a little as you make your way through the doors, “And it’s only a photo booth. We’ve done this before, I thought you were going to make me stand in front of someone with a camera!”

You laugh at his ramblings, imagining how nervous and awkward Jisung would be in front of a professional camera. Inside, you’re elated as Jisung talks to the worker. Looking around, you notice that everything is pretty self-serving. There were a couple of very large photo booths with a plain backdrop and shelves and buckets filled with accessories.

When Jisung comes back, he guides you to the booth all the way in the back. You slip in with him behind the light blue curtain and you quickly scan through the different templates and frames of the picture strips. Jisung stops you at a certain one, “What about ‘2Gether 4 Ever’?”

You look up to find that Jisung’s head is hovering right over your shoulder and the proximity is both comfortable and nerve-racking; comfortable because at this point in your… whatever-it-was with Jisung, his whole presence is something you seek, something you expect – never too far away –, but nerve-racking, because it felt like today, every single word, every movement, gesture, moment, is hanging over your heads, everything was comicotragic.

Is the universe playing a sick prank on you?

So much for focusing on just today. You couldn’t escape it. You couldn’t escape tomorrow.

Jisung’s eyes mimic your own, a little bit of mirth, hope, but also that tinge of sadness.

“Yeah,” You speak before you can even process what you’re saying, “That’s perfect.”

Before you’re ready, the large countdown on the preview screen in front of you starts and you panic, opting for your default pose which consists of a peace sign by your face. Jisung, behind you, has a similar pose: He leans over you slightly, placing a peace sign above your head with one hand, the other hand poking at the side of your cheek. It snaps the picture.

You smile brightly, turning your head around to him. Quickly, he loops an arm around your waist, bringing you close to him, leaning his weight into you. As you lean to the side under his weight, he holds you up. “Hey, we’re engaged, you gotta show off your ring!”

You laugh and do so, bringing your hand forward into the view of the camera. Jisung mimics you and the camera snaps again, taking a picture of Jisung and you close together with your shiny toy bear ring and his rubber dinosaur ring in front of you.

The screen blinks in front of you and the countdown for the next picture starts. “Two more!”

“Come here,” Jisung turns you around, and places his hands at the small of your back, pulling you close.

You push your palms against his chest, trying to create space but it’s no use. “Jisung?”

The picture snaps and the automated voice of the photo booth lets you know that it’s going to take the final picture.

Jisung’s lips tug into a smirk as he leans in closer, “Just kiss me. Please?”

Truthfully, you’re not into public displays of affection like this. Holding hands and hugging was probably the extent of affection you were okay to show to the world. Jisung, however, is not afraid to show how much he cares about you.

“What, I can’t kiss my fiancee?” He repeats with a small laugh.

One look at him with that sly smirk on his face was all it took for you to tilt your head up to meet his lips with yours. Your hands go to his jaw, giving you more purchase for the kiss. Even after the camera takes the final picture and it starts to print out the photo strips, you're left in the tender kiss.

When you finally pull a part, you’re breathless.

Both you and Jisung are all smiles, pressing your foreheads together. You hold his gaze for just a moment longer before you tear away from him to get her the photo strip. With a bite of his lip, he follows after you.

“Ji, these are cute!” You show him the photo strips, that smile still plastered on your face.

He takes them in his hand, tracing a finger of the last pose. “Oh, honey. We already look happily married.” He brings you into his side by your waist and your grin grows wider.

“We do, don’t we?” You take the pictures and place them into your tri-fold wallet to keep it safe from wrinkles and creases before tossing it into your bag.

At the aquarium, you and Jisung took your time going through all of the many exhibits, from bay aquatics to tropical and reef fish. Jisung would sprinkle in some interesting facts that he learned from watching an animal documentary or even from the lid of a snapple bottle.

The whole time, you held hands. When he would point to things close, he would use his free hand to place the pad of his finger gently on the glass – he told you it was inhumane to tap on it, ‘Have you seen Finding Nemo?’, he said – whenever he would point out something in a tank. When he would notice something across the room or hall, he would point with the hand that held yours, index finger pointed in that direction with the rest of his fingers wrapped snugly around your hand.

Now, you’re in the main hall, looking at a map of the place on the wall. “Jisung, I want to see the jellyfish.”

“Jellyfish, got it.” Jisung’s finger grazes over the map from your current location to the back of the building. He nods to himself and then points with your hands together towards the right maze of hallways. “That way.” While the both of you walk towards the jellyfish exhibit, Jisung’s eyes stay on the map just a little bit longer, committing the next place that you would go to memory.

The exhibit hall you walk into is dimly lit, the low light coming from the tanks of jellyfish itself, the soft sound of waves crashing playing over the speakers in the room. Jisung guides you to the first tank, recessed into the wall. Your eyes go wide, filled with wonder. While other aquarium visitors would stop and observe the tank and leave shortly after, Jisung and you stayed longer.

“Do you like jellyfish?” Jisung’s voice is low, but loud enough for you to hear over the calming waves.

“I do, they look so… easygoing.” You go to the next window, watching the plump jellyfish swim across the tank.

Jisung moves his finger along the glass with it. “These are the Japanese Sea Nettle jellyfish.” His finger traces the long tentacles, dragging it down the glass. The orange color of the jellyfish is a beautiful contrast against the blue of the tank. The corners of his lips tug upwards in a smile so wide it reaches his eyes, “Jellyfish are 95% water, that’s why they look so different out of it. I also think that’s why they’re super interesting to watch swim. They look like they’re floating.” He laughs nervously at himself, “Well, I mean they are floating.”

You laugh with him, tugging him towards the large cylindrical tank in the middle of the room, “No, I get it. It looks like they’re weightless.”

The tank in the middle goes from floor to ceiling and is filled with lots of jellyfish, a type that’s smaller than the Japanese Sea Nettle. The lights at the bottom of the tank change color every so often, the current purple hue casting a purple glow on the nearly translucent jellyfish.

You stand in front of the tank, watching as the glow shifts into a cool blue. “These are my favorite ones.”

Jisung watches your face and admires the way you look at the jellyfish. Your eyes are wide, lips in a small smile, head tilted to the side. The jellyfish and tank are reflected in your eyes and as the light changes to red, he has to tear his eyes away from you. In a quick recovery, he clears his throat. “These are moon jellyfish. They’ve got a really round and big bell compared to their tentacles.”

You glance at Jisung briefly from the corner of your eyes and notice how his eyes move as they trace the jellyfish’ movement. “Do you know why I like jellyfish so much?”

Of course he didn’t, but he doesn’t say anything and instead waits for you to answer.

“I just imagine their life of floating in the ocean, going in whatever way the water takes them. I’m a little jealous of them, really.”

Jisung looks back at you and pulls you to him. He settles you in front of him as he wraps his arms around your shoulders, pressing his cheek against the side of your head.

Once you’ve stayed for a full cycle of the color changes, Jisung whispers against your ear, “Y/N, are you ready to go to the next exhibit?”

You nod and he retakes your hand in his and leads you out into the hallway.

“These are some of my favorite animals here.” Jisung walks backwards as he leads you into the room.

The smell is really strong and frankly kind of stinky, but you get over it once you realize that you’re looking at penguins through a glass. There’s many of them, some diving in the water, others just standing on the platform meant to resemble a rock with their flipper-like wings at their sides.

You’re not as close as you want to be, children sitting in rows in front of the large glass window. Soon, the kids stand, getting closer just as the penguins crowd around the door to the exhibit where you assume the employees enter. Sure enough, someone comes through the door with a large bucket of fish. You clap and laugh along with the other visitors as the penguins gather around for their meal time.

You take a seat on a bench, still watching the penguins. The kids file out, someone on the intercom attracting their attention when they announced a tidal pool exhibit where they could touch starfish.

As the penguins finish their meals and the employee leaves through the door, the penguins go about their regular business. You notice two standing close to each other on the rock, one nudging the other with its head.

“Those two remind me of us.” You point at the two birds before zooming in with the camera of your phone and taking a picture. After a couple of pictures, you place your phone on your lap. “Here’s my animal fact,” You giggle. Not only is the possibility of Jisung’s habits rubbing off on you amusing, but you’re a little excited that you could share a fact with him for once. “Many different species of penguins will only have one mate for the rest of their life.” You take his hand back in yours again, the brief moment without it made you miss the warmth he radiated.

Jisung stares forward, though his eyes look a little distant. His smile is lopsided, a reflection of how bittersweet this whole day is.

He doesn’t tell you, but he already knew that fact. He wonders silently if you’ve heard the story about a group of three penguins. Two were mates and the third was a female penguin attracted to the male penguin. Eventually, the male’s mate passes away and although that made him available to love the third penguin, he passed away from the grief of losing his soulmate.

“Y/N, do you know what inyeon is?”

You turn your head to him and notice his far-off stare. “No, what is inyeon?” You speak slowly, doing your best to imitate the way he said the word, clearly a foreign word to you, never once hearing of it or speaking it.

Absent-mindedly, he runs a thumb over your knuckles. “It’s silly, really. Koreans believe in the idea that certain people are meant for each other, but that it could take thousands of lifetimes to get it right. Maybe the penguins got it right this time, like this is the lifetime where everything aligned.”

“Hm,” You take a beat to reflect on his words. “Like fate. Destiny.” The more you think about it, the more you start to wonder: Who was that person for you? Would you know if that lifetime was the lifetime? Could this be your lifetime?

As you lean your head on Jisung’s shoulder, your phone vibrates in your lap. One glance at the notification of your flight convinces you that it’s not.

The night air is a little crisp when you walk out, your cardigan in your bag completely forgotten. Instead, Jisung’s body heat keeps you warm as you latch onto his arm. The pace of your walk is set slow, the lights from the lamps on the street and from inside buildings shining through their windows illuminating your walk.

“Where do you want to be in five years?” Jisung’s voice cuts through the bustling of the streets, the soft mumble of people talking on their own walks with friends and family.

The question catches you off guard. Where did you see yourself? Previously, you’d probably see yourself just doing what you always did: wake up, go to work, put just enough effort to maintain relationships with your friends, see your dad once a week. You look at Jisung. He smiles at you, no sign of judgment that would follow. That gives you enough assurance and courage to even just imagine something more for yourself.

That’s what Jisung has given to you.

So you let out a sigh and it’s not of frustration. No, instead it’s a sigh that sheds off your own fears and judgmental attitude about wanting more than what you previously had for yourself.

“I want to be happy.” Without knowing, you squeeze Jisung’s hand. “Maybe promoted at my job or at a better one.” You chuckle at the idea, instead of being behind a computer screen the whole time, maybe something more client facing, interacting with people. “A better relationship with my friends. More dinner parties with Robin and the girls.” You stop at an intersection and look up at Jisung. “What about you?”

Jisung smiles brightly. He’s thought about the question a lot and it’s something you admire about him. Through the challenges that life has thrown him, he was able to come out of it as a bright person.You smile back at him when you think about how his friend Chan would be happy to see him now.

“Happy. Successful.” He laughs at how arrogant he comes off with that sentence. “I hope in five years I’m able to share my music with people”

You interrupt him, excited while you step off the curb into the street when it is safe. “You will! You need to let the world hear your music, Jisung. It’s incredible.”

Jisung shrugs his shoulders modestly. “I would love to see Loud Mouths continuing to do well. I mean, we’re doing great now, but imagine another Loud Mouths somewhere outside of Korea. We’ve been talking about partnerships and collaborations with other restaurants, like showcasing baked goods from Seungmin’s cafe during our brunch hours. I hope the place gets big enough that we can help smaller local companies out like that.”

Jisung stops and that’s when you realize that you’re in front of a fountain. The water trickling sounds calm and serene in the middle of the city. The lights on the ground and in the fountain showcase the area beautifully.

He comes up behind you and takes a coin out from his pocket, similar to how he did earlier in the day. He places it in front of your face and you take it into your palm, squeezing it with one hand over the other tightly. “Go ahead, Toss a Coin and Make a Wish.”

As you close your eyes, Jisung steps back to give you the space and breathing room. You think about all the major events that have happened in your life; both the good and the bad. You’re reminded of both of your parents. You recall your mother’s beautiful smile, her radiant energy and how truly, all she wanted for you was to be safe and happy. Something that your dad always wishes for you. It took awhile for your relationship with your dad to get to where it is now, and you have no doubt that it will continue to get better. That same sentiment is shared by Robin – who you cannot thank enough for being so patient and having so much faith in you, even when you probably weren’t the best friend you could be.

Safe and happy. You wonder for a moment what that looks like.

A smile stretches your lips.

Safe and happy looks like right now. This day. With Jisung.

You open your eyes and toss the coin into the fountain. In lands with a plop and a small splash.

You turn your body towards Jisung who on cue, makes his way back to be by your side, strong arms engulfing you in a warm and tight embrace. You lean into him as he cradles your body against him, gently rocking the both of you back and forth.

“I wished th–”

Jisung pulls apart, eyes wide in horror. “No, you can’t tell me. It won’t come true if you do.”

When Jisung looks down into your eyes, he notices the glassy reflection. Your eyes start to sting a little as tears start to pool. However; they don’t fall, a poetic testament to the balance that is how you’re feeling right now: both untroubled in his embrace and out of sorts with tomorrow’s departure from this dream land that you’ve lived for the past two weeks.

Jisung is right. Wishes don’t come true if you speak them out loud, but perhaps that’s why you say it. Your wish is so outlandish, so selfish, so fantasied that it didn’t matter if you said it loud.

“I wished that this day would never end.”

ending author’s notes: don't we all, mc. we're almost done here. i love and am welcomed to all feedback. see you guys next chapter ;)

taglist

@burningchaosdeer @bat-shark-repellant, @jisunglyricist, @captivq, @lixiel0ver, @channieandhisgoonsquad, @dalamjisung, @laylasbunbunny, @beanebabyy, @leyknowsbin, @vixensss, @hyunfilms, @cutiespaghetti, @hanjisunginc, @kubuwu, @raehawthorne, @leeknowyah, @lifeissteph, @thesunsfullmoon, @bbokari711, @sunnyhonie, @aalexyuuuhm, @hopefulrascalstatesmantoad

could not be tagged

#han jisung fanfic #han jisung series #han series #han jisung smut #han fluff #han jisung fluff #han jisung angst #stray kids series #stray kids fanfic #stray kids fluff #skz fluff #skz angst #skz series #han jisung x you #han jisung x y/n #han jisung x reader

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biblio-smia · 10 months ago

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congrats on 800! “where's my goodnight kiss?” with clapton 🥹🫶

clapton is so,,, i want him so bad | part of v’s 800 follower celebration!

it's not very often that clapton takes extreme measures to see you. most days, he is satisfied with holding you between classes, taking you out almost every day afterwards, having you over and making you stay for dinner.

however, some nights he experiences this insatiable longing - a pain in his chest that begs to see you.

so, naturally, clapton sneaks out and finds his way outside your window.

he's knocking lightly, though he's anxious to be inside. it's chilly out and clapton didn't exactly layer up, his feet taking him to his desired destination without much thought. clapton doesn't even know if you're awake - selfishly, he hopes that even if you are, you'll wake up.

it takes a few moments but you're there, thoroughly confused, even more so as you push your curtains aside and see clapton standing on the other side of your window. clapton doesn't mind the playful roll of your eyes because you open your window for him, letting him climb in (with your help, of course).

"what are you doing-" you're cut off by clapton kissing your cheek and the laughter that erupts out of you as his hands find your sides. "clapton, shhh!"

"you're the one being loud," clapton whispers, taking a break from kissing you to look at you.

"what are you doing here?" you finally manage to say.

clapton shrugs. "i missed you."

"so you just... came over?"

clapton grins, resting his head on your shoulder, wrapping you up in his arms. "am i not allowed to see you?"

"not at twelve a.m. when my parents are asleep."

"they don't have to know," clapton chimes, pulling you back into the cozy bed he'd pulled you out of.

the gesture is dramatic, but you can't deny it's romantic. clapton, walking for how long, just because he missed you? your heart beats a little quicker as you let clapton pull you into his chest.

you cherish it. the little habits clapton is guilty of when he's tired, the deepness his voice takes on. he stares at you while you talk, wide-eyed and focused. he tries, and fails, not to yawn, knowing you'll have no choice but to send him home if his eyelids begin to droop.

when clapton can barely keep his eyes open, your sweet voice lulling him to sleep, you give him a look. here comes the worst part: saying goodbye.

it'll only be for a little while (you have a feeling clapton will be at your doorstep tomorrow morning), but clapton resents the feeling regardless, wishing he could stay until morning with no consequences. he dreams of nights where he can sleep next to you and mornings where you're the first thing he sees when he wakes up. maybe one day.

you open the window back up for clapton, not minding the big 4:46 that flashes on your clock. he's one leg out when he stops, eyebrows suddenly furrowing.

"hey," he beings. "where's my goodnight kiss?"

you fight the laughter that bubbles in your throat as you kiss clapton's cheek, watching the disappointed frown form on his face.

you give in eventually, grabbing clapton's face and pressing a long kiss to his lips. then another. then another.

by the time you're done, clapton's ears are red and his eyes are hazy.

"is that good enough?"

"perfect," clapton mumbles, swinging his leg out of your room. he stands through the opening of your window, soon to be too far to hold. "i'll call you in a few hours."

you wonder how much sleep you'll be able to get. "you're on thin ice."

"i miss you already."

you smile bashfully, nudging clapton in the direction of his house. "go home."

"i wanna kiss you again."

"tomorrow," you promise. "as many kisses as you want."

this satisfies clapton, at least for now. who knows about tomorrow?

#clapton davis #clapton davis x reader #clapton davis x you #clapton davis fluff #detention x reader #detention 2011 #v + clapton #v writes #v's 800 follower celebration

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chuwuyas · 5 months ago

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about c&r

Hello my dear saioumers, it is I, jul chuwuyas. I wanted to stop by to talk a little bit about c&r since people ask me about it a lot

Unfortunately, to talk about it, I will have to dive into some personal stuff and share some things with you all that I've been keeping to myself for quite some time now and didn't really want to share, but felt like I needed to. So, since some stuff will be kinda, uh... serious? I will put everything under the cut

(TL;DR for those who don't wanna read about my personal life tho: c&r is NOT abandoned, but writer's block is not the only reason why I haven't updated the fic yet (tho it is one of them). I don't know when the hiatus will end. I'm sorry)

(CW for the things under the cut: mental illness, pet death, suicide ideation)

So, to start: yes, writer's block is one of the reasons why c&r is on hiatus. No, I have not been lying about it. I burned out so badly in 2021 that it's Still hard for me to write things that satisfy me because I reached my peak back then and was popping out 5, 6 fics in a month for 7/8 whole months when my usual is/was about 2 or 3 a year (if you check my ao3 page and the dates in which my fics were posted, you'll see that aside from the danganronpa fics, that usually was the case. I'm a slow writer). I'm still recovering. And the universe seems to not want me to.

Last year, around January, I felt like I was finally setting myself free from writer's block. I started writing something for my oc ship (yes, yes, I know. Not c&r. But what can I say? They bring me comfort) and I was so happy with what I got, so inspired to write, I was actually seeing the words on the doc again.

Then, one of my three cats got sick. Then, he died.

It completely broke me in a way I don't think I will ever recover. I was extremely attached to him and I drained all the money I had saved for therapy to try to save him, but it didn't work and I lost my cat, the money, and consequently my mental health. We spent almost an entire month taking him to the vet and bringing him back home because the vet kept telling us he was okay and then he'd get even worse and need hospitalization again, so that was more money spent on him. I had my friends help me with that, and I am immensely grateful even though it didn't work out in the end. Thank you for helping me bring him some comfort on his last days @ friendos.

After he died, a couple of months later, I tried writing again and managed to write a few thousand words, but my mental health still wasn't the best. Then, I started getting some personal problems that I will not talk about here but took a toll on me and shoved me back into the writer's block box, but now with the addition of increasingly growing self-doubt and depressive thoughts that soon turned suicidal.

Then, around September, another cat of mine got sick. And, this time, we didn't have money to help him.

He was my best friend. We basically grew up together (he was 13 and was born when I was 11, so I had him longer than I didn't have him) and I was also extremely attached to him. When he got sick, I would sit down on the floor and talk to him in tears asking him to hold on just until I got a job so I could pay for his bills. I didn't get a job fast enough to help him. It was me who found him, too.

From August to November, things were so bad in my life (between my personal life, my pets' deaths, and family members getting sick) I genuinely caught myself considering ending my suffering. Planning it. Thinking about it every day. Not wanting to wake up. It was a rough period of my life that I made it through alone because I didn't really tell anyone what was going on with me. I wished I could go back to the past. I wished I could change things to make the future not so bad. I'm still caught up in the past and nostalgic for a time that will not come back no matter how much I wish it would. But I pushed it through.

And one of the things that kept me from ending it all was the fact I haven't finished c&r yet.

I didn't wanna go without concluding the story. I didn't wanna go without showing you all what I have planned for the last chapter and how this story will end. So, I started using c&r as some sort of anchor — something to keep me going because I still have something to do on this earth before leaving. I love this story and I don't wanna leave it unfinished. I wanna see your reactions reading the last chapter, the freaking out, the key smashes, the DMs I'll receive, the theories, the fanarts. I love how big this story got and the little fandom it got for itself. People love something that I wrote so much they make art of it! They cosplay the characters, they write things based on it! It's so mindblowing that something like this would ever happen to me, I started telling myself: I can't die until I finish catch & release.

My mental health is way better now and I'm no longer considering suicide (though, ough, it sucks not having a lot of money). I have a job now and can pay for the vet in case my last cat gets sick. My personal life is good now, too, and my relative who's sick is doing a lot better. I have things to look forward to. Things are good now. I'm happy, though I still miss my cats every day.

I am, however, still using c&r as one of my anchors, and I don't know when I will stop doing so. So, for now, the fic is still on hiatus. But it isn't abandoned, and it will never be. I will finish it one day. So, until then, keep bearing with me.

Thank you for reading, and most of all thank you for understanding. I love you all.

#saiouma #c&r things

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girlbossblackbeard · 1 year ago

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s2 ep3 delirious ramblings in honor of eps 4 and 5 coming soon!!

you already KNOW wtf goin on !!!

-the red flag fleet pig tails absolutely slay every single time

-Zheng Yi Sao putting her arm out to shield Olu from the dying guy that just got stabbed has me feeling some typa way (falling in love with her)

-stede just pushing his little bar and charcuterie cart around im obsessed

-Zheng Yi Sao's customer service voice when she says "Hi! I'm Zheng Yi Sao, you're...John?" like she's cold-calling someone is absolutely top tier, I would give her all my money if she were calling to scam me

-"champers?" stede you absolute doofus i love him far too much

-Zheng Yi Sao being all coy with her "ohh...forget it...;)" stop!!!!! im already in love with you please stop this madness!!!!!! i can't take much more of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-OLU'S OFFENDED FACE WHEN STEDE JUST PLOPS THE TOWELS DOWN ON ZHENG YI SAO'S DESK LMAO

-okay. we have to talk about stede hearing "the revenge" and his mind going completely blank aside from the one thought of "Ed" replaying over and over and over again to the point that all sense of self-preservation flies completely out the window (as he flies over the side of the ship) because the ONLY thing that matters to him in that moment is seeing Ed again. i can only imagine the looming sense of doom he must've felt as he realized Ed was noticeably absent from the rest of the crew when he found them, and then the cagey way they all spoke about where Ed went. i wonder if seeing Ed's body lying on that table gave him any sense of relief in the way that getting confirmation of something you'd feared was coming finally arrives

-also!!! let's talk about what must have started running through Olu's mind when he realized it was their ship!! did he immediately think of Jim? was he worried about them? did he assume they would've escaped blackbeard's clutches by now and gone on to bigger and better things?

-"she's returned to us...mostly" i wonder how sad buttons must have felt seeing the revenge in such a dire state :((

-"maybe she's gone through that triangle thing by bermuda" wee john my beloved

-I TOLD Y'ALL WHEN THAT MF GNOSSIENNE NO. 5 HITS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WAS GONNA BE THE DEATH OF ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND IT VERY NEARLY WAS BITCH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-oh holy fuck the way the look of excitement on stede's face morphs into a look of horror as he takes in just how wrecked the revenge got in the storm is extremely upsetting

-someone smarter than me needs to do a deeper analysis on the use of gnossienne no.5 as stede is climbing the ladder of the revenge, no doubt with thoughts of a beautiful and loving reunion with ed because surely he'll be there waiting for him, just as overjoyed to see stede as stede is to see him, only for the song and that fantasy to abruptly get cut off once stede realizes how dire the situation on the revenge has gotten

-hey fam do we think there's any significance of the crew being found desecrating that seagull in the captain's quarters or was that just a plot convenience thing bc obviously stede would check the captain's cabin for ed first

-"just thought you'd be taller...mu-muscly, you know...charismatic" bruh ain't NO way Certain People had been either 1) talking about stede in such a high regard it put him up on a massive pedestal or 2) ahem....sobbing so loudly the entire god damn ship can hear it every single night for literal months...that archie fully thought stede MUST have been basically a god amongst mortals to make ed be so downbad it drove him to violent insanity

-"why can't i get a straight answer from any of you" because they're all gay bitch!!!!! you knew this when you first hired them!!!!!!

-OBSESSED with how Izzy is fully down an entire leg and Stede could NOT give less of a shit about it. Literally telling him "Piss off Izzy, I don't wanna hear from you" as if there isn't the biggest possible elephant on the deck basically screaming to be talked about

-side note: for the love of GOD con o'neill looks so stupidly hot in his reaction shot to stede telling izzy to piss off it's actually gonna give me heart palpitations. this is my formal petition to make con o'neill look permanently just a little bit damp and a little bit sad

-"when you get old, if you don't wanna work anymore you can just give up i guess" frenchie my beloved

-love love love love love the parallels between buttons and auntie being the actual paragon of first mates with almost preternatural senses for mutiny a'brewin or the sea shifting

-hey fam do we think izzy actually stabbed stede's painting or was it really ed and izzy was...sparing stede's feelings???? but why??? is it because he's intimately aware of how it feels to lose ed and even though he hates stede (or used to) he still wouldn't wish that kind of pain on anyone??

-SORRY I GOTTA TOOT MY OWN HORN FOR A SECOND BECAUSE I CALLED IT FROM THE MOMENT THE TEASER DROPPED THAT THE RAG MAN WAS GONNA BE HORNIGOLD'S GHOST MANIFESTING AS THE PARTS OF ED HE HATED THE MOST

>>>it turned out to be all parts of himself which did me quite a big ouchie but im still riding the high of having sussed that out so early on im LITERALLY destined to be a writer on this show. djenks get at me i know ur reading this

-i have absolutely no idea what the pig is supposed to symbolize in ed's fever dream someone who has a functioning brain should figure it out and let me know pls & thx

-don't know if this is significant symbolism or not, but: ed is wearing the cravat, his chains, and the pearl necklace in the storm. he is NOT wearing the cravat or the chains in the fever dream, but he IS still wearing the pearls. the best analysis i can do around that rn is that the cravat symbolizes stede and this journey he's about to go on needs to be about Ed and Ed alone, but also Ed *feeling* and *thinking* he's genuinely alone, which is supported by the conversation he has with hornigold later when he reveals he's worried there's no one waiting for him in the real world. the chains im thinking could symbolize his blackbeard persona in a way - presumably he got the gold chains when plundering and gaining/maintaining his reputation for being ruthless and the chains are a physical reminder of that persona and reputation. in the fever dream, ed is stripped down to his most vulnerable state (which is interesting considering his hair and beard aren't in line with the s1 symbolism of his vulnerability - almost as if his heartbreak over stede has become so all-encompassing he's no longer able to hide it behind a beard or face-shielding long hair) so the chains would disappear just as his blackbeard reputation would disappear in order for him to get to the core of who he really is, which brings us to: the pearl necklace. we could literally talk for hours about the nuances of everything the pearl necklace represents regarding ed's fears, desires, identities, hopes and dreams for the future, childhood trauma, etc. etc. etc. but ultimately it represents the parts of ed he holds the closest to his chest and THAT is why he's still wearing it in the fever dream: because it's a representation of who he truly is, stripped down, at his core. and THAT is the person who needed to go on this journey in order to start to heal, without the influence of anyone or anything else making him feel the need to perform or be anything other than his 100% authentic, vulnerable self.

-the way i reacted to seeing how beautiful ed is as he's waking up in hornigold's hut is undeniable proof that i need to be put down

-"what did you do to me...while i was out...anything weird?" edward teach my beloved of all time. we will not be taking this incredibly funny and perfectly performed line delivery and making it sad by thinking about the implications of what past behaviors ed may have experienced from other shipmates when waking up after a night of blacking out

-sorry but the way ed holds his breath so he doesn't eat the soup is so hilarious and adorable to me

-auntie recounting all the details of the mutiny right down to ed's height and silver hair based off of looking at the deck and licking some gun powder is sooooooo sherlock holmes coded but like. if he fucked y'know?

-also!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the little sprinkle of what i believe was maori thrown in between auntie and fang!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i need more of that IMMEDIATELY

-"i'm burnin up here" SICK jobros reference frenchie

-frenchie stopping himself from saying "oh fuck" and instead going with "oh shit tits" i love this man an unhealthy amount

-"it's called you-cal-lip-eh-tusses. you-calamitous." good god i would due for olu in a heartbeat

-okay so. my thoughts on the olu/zheng/jim/archie situation. i never posted this here when the trailer dropped bc i thought i was just going crazy but when i saw the olu/jim shoulder bump i immediately knew it was giving "exes who are still friends and are being supportive of the other person when they admit they've found someone new" vibes. THAT BEING SAID - i can see this whole thing being resolved in 2 ways: either they have jim and olu talk it out and officially decide to split to pursue their respective new flames while remaining best friends/family, or - and this is where i think we all hope this is going - we get a 4-way polycule. im 50/50 on whether the studio would greenlight that given they've already pushed the envelope with having a nonbinary character and basically everyone is gay, but at the same time i would hope the studio would recognize that the show was wildly successful due in large part to those key elements and would be in favor of pushing the envelope even further (in their eyes). i think jim and archie are gonna see zheng being an absolute badass and fall in love with her and zheng is gonna see jim and archie being absolute badasses and fall in love with them while already being in love with olu specifically because he's NOT a badass and olu's gonna admit he's still in love with jim and they're all gonna live happily ever after completely dominating the seas and killing colonizing dipshits :)

-OLU WHIPPING HIS HEAD AROUND TO LOOK BACK AT JIM WHEN THEY TELL HIM THEY SAW ARCHIE'S BOOBS LMAO

-hi it's me again here to say that it is STILL SO EXTREMELY FUCKED UP AND EVIL OF DAVID JENKINS AND CO. TO BE PLAYING GNOSSIENNE NO.5 WHILE STEDE LOOKS DESPONDENTLY AT THE RUINED REMAINS OF HIS CAPTAINS QUARTERS WHERE HE AND ED CONNECTED FOR THE FIRST TIME AND FELT LIKE SOMEONE FINALLY UNDERSTOOD THEM

-how the fuck did izzy on a crutch and a pegleg sneak up on stede in the captain's quarters lil homie HAS to be sounding like mr. krabs at this point

-"i think the knives really help bring the place together" he literally cannot physically bring himself to not be a bitch around izzy even when he's wallowing in his lost love i am so so so obsessed with him you have no idea

-i know we're all still reeling from the confirmation that stede has ALWAYS known ed - past the rose-colored glasses of falling in love with just the idea of someone - and how his mind works when he asks izzy point blank what they did to ed but. i cannot stop thinking about s1 ed not being able to look stede in the eye as he says "you were always gonna realize what i am" before leaving with calico jack because he was so terrified of the judgement he'd see in stede's eyes. he revealed a less-than-ideal (but comparatively pretty benign) part of himself to the person whose opinion he cares about the most and was too afraid to stick around to see if/when stede would finally reject him for not living up to the standards that ed thinks stede deserves. and yet. we now know with actual proof that stede not only never judged ed for his past and just kinda glossed over any erratic behavior/violent reactions during their time together in favor of keeping an idealized image of ed in his mind, stede understood ed on a deeper level than practically anyone else in the whole world, with the exception of izzy, ever did. stede was so intimately aware of the exact kind of person ed was and what his thoughts and behavioral patterns were that he knew without a shadow of a doubt that there were only two fates for ed if stede didn't reach him in time: he was either gonna watch the world burn or die trying.

-feeling BIG emotions over the almost-sigh that stede does when izzy tells him how ed took his leg for merely mentioning stede's name. the way he looks away and swallows down his guilt and grief and shame.

-"you sent him to doggy heaven" ohhhh my god i wanna know if stede was bracing himself for the heartbreak or the relief (or both!!) of hearing izzy say yes. as i mentioned above, stede had to have had a cloud of impending doom looming over him all these months wondering where ed is and worrying if he'll ever find him again, and that cloud must have only gotten infinitely darker when he found the crew on the revenge only to realize that ed wasn't with them. stede isn't stupid, he proved as much when he told izzy he knew ed was going to destroy everything around him or die in the process, and with ed being very noticeably absent it would only make sense for stede to jump to the worst-case-scenario of the crew having to kill ed before he killed all of them. i think he had probably been emotionally preparing himself for that outcome the second he noticed the crew being shifty about ed's whereabouts, so to get confirmation of it would obviously be genuinely heartbreaking but also an end to the sense of doom that had been hanging around him for a while.

-the way stede whips his head around to look at izzy when izzy tells him no, they didn't send ed to doggy heaven is so! heartbreaking! because you can see the instant flame of hope light up his face for a split second before he reads the profound sadness of izzy's expression as he tells stede they deserted him on a beach and left nature to do the rest. interestingly enough, stede doesn't seem at all reassured or renewed in his hope by this, and im wondering if he knows izzy is lying to him at that point to spare his feelings

-"yeah i was there. that cabin boy's name was felix. he was a really nice guy" i love that we're not only getting a crumb of lore about ed's past on hornigold's ship (that isn't frat-bro posturing with calico jack) but that the crumb we do get highlights ed's humanity. not only does he remember the name of a "lowly" cabin boy, but he remembers that the cabin boy was really nice and is angry that he died so senselessly and hornigold doesn't even seem to care

>>>>>hmmmm now im thinking about how hornigold is a representation of the parts of ed that he hates, so is hornigold's story an allegory for how ed hates how he's shut off his emotions/shown little to no remorse for the hurt and suffering he's caused during his breakup era?

-okay there are SO many mentions of soup this season already someone figure out wtf it's supposed to mean

-THE WAY MY FRIENDS AND I ACTUALLY SCREAMED WHEN ZHENG SAYS "Girl, how are you :(" TO STEDE LIKE THIS SHOW IS 100% CONFIRMED WRITTEN FOR THE GIRLS (gn) AND THE GAYS AND EVERY LINE IS PERFECT

-DAVID JENKINS. WHY. ARE YOU PLAYING. GNOSSIENNE NO.5. WHILE STEDE TELLS ZHENG. ABOUT HOW HE FEELS LIKE HE LET ED DOWN. AND THAT HE'S THE CAUSE OF A LOT OF THIS. AND HOW HE SHOULD'VE JUST TOLD ED HOW HE FEELS. BUT HE WAS SCARED. AND NOW HERE WE ARE. i want you psychologically evaluated because i do believe there is a dark evil inside of you

-PLEASE stede's reaction of basically "ya got me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯" to Zheng saying the guys on wanted posters are hot makes my brain fizz

-im not ashamed to say i literally get tears in my eyes from how divine ed looks when he's talking to hornigold about selling handmade shoes like what the fuck did the hair and makeup artists DO to make him even more stunning than before when they had already broken the scale in s1???????????? i feel like i should send them a thank-you care package for the gift they've given us

-"im actually just a very simple man" my sweet precious baby darling eddie boy. you are the most complex character i have ever become obsessed with in my entire life, and i was DEEP in the Castiel trenches at the height of SuperWhoLock tumblr from 2012 - 2014 as an unmedicated teenager still developing her prefrontal cortex.

-"like a jailer, but all the prisoners like you and they can go whenever they want" so what im hearing is ed likes having control over other people but also desperately wants them to like him AND choose to stay with him of their own free will and not because they have to. or it's just a funny simile for an inn like he said :)

-the jeff's inn by the sea roleplay scene makes me so insane i actually can't talk about it rn other than to say it's peak comedy and i want it permanently etched into my brain. also ed's little corsage makes me [feral shrieking]

-GODDD the way this season is so expertly slicing in clips from s1 as a quick flash of an image before coming back to the present is so extremely satisfying and also a direct punch to the solar plexis every time

-"grown man covered in tattoos, eh? with daddy issues?" no comment just screaming

-"we've been living second-to-second for a while now. it's actually kinda nice to have a deadline" this!!! this is what im talking about with the looming sense of impending doom hanging over you for so long that once you get confirmation that it's going to be over soon, even if it's because of a very permanent ending, there's a lot of relief that can be wrapped up in that

-"go on, bonnet. gimme your worst" i feel like i don't have the brain capacity rn to break that interaction down and tease out what izzy would've been expecting stede to do or say and what stede would've been thinking in that moment that was too overwhelming to actually voice but maybe someday i'll get to it

-"okay well i feel like im gonna choose...i feel like im supposed to choose...live" bbbbbbbbbrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooo the intentional writing of ed to say "gonna" at first and then switching it to "supposed to" is sooooooooo insane dude holy shit. i need to know what factors caused him to change his wording. what was he going to say he was gonna do. who or what is pressuring him to make him feel like he's supposed to choose to live. are those two choices - what he was gonna do vs. what he feels like he's supposed to do - at war with each other or is the conflict brewing from the different motivations behind wanting to live vs. feeling like you're supposed to live. the writing is just too good

-godddd someone needs to make a post on hornigold telling ed they're in a judgement-free zone which is basically ed reminding himself that his mind is a safe space for his thoughts and how unbelievably sad it is that ed would even need to remind himself of that in the first place. he's so used to scrutiny and judgement (and it's one of his biggest fears when it comes to the people he cares about the most) that he doesn't even think he's free from it in his own head

-im just gonna say it. ed talking about warmth and intercourse and orgasms is foreshadowing

-"i don't think anyone's waiting for me" i'll actually go lie in the middle of the road right now i swear to god

-it's so interesting how ed gets angry that his fear that no one is waiting for him fucks his pros up

-i don't understand how olu didn't immediately clock that zheng was flirting with him when he's in her office like buddy if i see a very beautiful woman with a very sharp sword and she's pointing it in my direction? that's a marriage proposal

-HOKAYYYY FOLKS WE GOTTA TALK ABOUT OUR FIRST TRUE COMPETENT!STEDE SIGHTING IN THIS EP. he not only devises an escape plan ALL BY HIMSELF, he has the knowledge and foresight to . and guess what? IT ACTUALLY. WORKED. in fact, it was a SWEEPING success where he got EVERYONE safely off the red flag ship and onto his own!!!! this wasn't just some raid won with brute force or a fuckery accomplished due to loony tunes rules, this was an honest-to-god escape plan that required learning the shifts of the guards on deck and at the entrance to the brig to ensure those spaces would be as empty as possible, knowledge of the sleepy-time effects of chamomile in concentrated forms, knowledge of the layout of the ship he's been on for, what? a few days? maybe a week?, knowledge of where they store their weapons and then figuring out how to use the crossbow as a zipline AND remembering to have someone cut the line to prevent any red flag crew from boarding the revenge, figuring out how they can use towels to use said zipline, remembering that the revenge no longer has a wheel and utilizing wee john's strength to secure them a new one while disabling the red flag ship thus greatly increasing their chances of a successful escape. i guess now we know what the hell is going on in towels (it's scheming and plotting)

-jim grabbing archie's hand has they leave the brig

-stede's little hand gesture and "sss" noise he makes to communicate to lucius and black pete they're gonna move forward now even though they're all physically so close it literally would've been quieter if he just whispered his directions to them

-the person at the wheel looking longingly up into the sky. how much do we wanna bet she was thinking about zheng

-"just breathe into it black pe-" WHY ARE THEY SHUSHING MY BOY BUTTONS HE'S RIGHT

-"oy, ya cockeyed -" STOP SILENCING HIM

-"aye look at that, see that black pete -" LET HIM SPEAK

-IZZY PUSHING BUTTONS'S HAND DOWN AS HE'S TELLING BLACK PETE TO OBSERVE ARCHIE'S SHOOTING FORM IS EVERYTHING TO ME

-wee john profusely apologizing to the person he knocked unconscious before knocking them unconscious and then again after stealing their wheel. he is so dear to me

-i genuinely love how buttons wastes NO time in assuming his first mate duties again and directing frenchie and roach to start preparing the ship for sailing. it's just a nice reminder that stede chose him as his first mate for a reason beyond his propensity to attract a motley crew of unique characters - buttons is a genuinely highly skilled, highly competent, and extremely dedicated and hard working sea farer. who may or may not actually be a sea witch that has taken on the form of a humble man

-i actually am very charmed by olu still trying to persuade zheng to spare the lives of his friends while they're making out

-ooooohhhhh the fact that olu had to choose between zheng and jim was such a delightful mini conflict to see him go through. i might wind up making a post about his thoughts and motivations in that moment later on because it's so quick but so profound

-okay 1) the raw emotions in zheng's yell when she sees olu escaping on the revenge literally gave me goosebumps. 2) the look of absolute betrayal on her face in that closing shot gave me even MORE goosebumps. 3) ALWAYS LISTEN TO YOUR SLIGHTLY SUPERNATURAL FIRST MATE Y'ALL THEY ALWAYS KNOW WHAT'S UP

-i can't wait to see how this betrayal plays out in terms of the red flag fleet being an enemy to the revenge, even though we know it's temporary since we've seen Zheng Yi Sao and her fleet fighting alongside ed and stede in the s2 trailer and in the promotional materials for upcoming episodes

-UHHHH STEDE'S HEARTBROKEN FACE AS THEY'RE LEAVING HELLO?????????????????????????????????

-izzy trying to genuinely thank stede is so. Character Arc.

-also archie and jim training/fake sword fighting in the background

-"clarity? you've made your choice" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

-ed realizing that he really just hates himself is going to be MY villain origin story

-what the HELL was up with hornigold doing that howl. hated that

-"i'm not loveable" "and you're scared to do anything about it" i swan to john im gonna start chewing on the steel cables that hold up suspension bridges you literally cannot do this to me right now

-hey so fun fact when kate bush's song kicked in i actually desperately wished someone would've given me one of those neat chamomile towels that makes you pass out instantly because :) i am wholly unequipped :) to hear that song :) in the context of this next scene :))))

-seriously if you haven't read the lyrics to that song yet, first contact your local veterinarian's office and schedule and appointment to be put down whenever their next available time is, then look up the lyrics

-stede calling him a nut again i literally

-UGH the CONFLICT you can see on stede's face when deciding whether or not to remove the fabric covering ed's head or not. does he want to remove the fabric so he can say one final goodbye, face to face? or does he want to leave the fabric on so his last image of ed in his memory will be when he's alive and excited at the prospect of running away with stede?

-the fact that stede is literally pulling the wool from over ed's eyes and waking him back up both physically and spiritually(???)

-like ed, who was resigned to his fate and at peace with his choice to sink into the depths and never wake up again, INSTANTLY finds the motivation to live the SECOND stede interacts with him and he starts fighting as hard as he can to return to the surface, and just when he thinks he's not strong enough and he'll succumb to the darkness anyway, a light appears to pull him back from the brink. stede's voice comes through begging ed to wake up, to come back to him, don't die please don't die, he's here now. and ed's face as he's hearing stede talk to him is so full of love and amusement and admiration and then a little confusion as mermaid!stede appears but goes right back into his fully smitten expression and longing gaze and i just. don't know how we were ever expected to recover from this.

-THEY WERE ACTUALLY SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CRAZY TO JUST THROW THE GOD DAMN GENTLEBEARD/BLACKBONNET SEASON 1 BEST MOMENTS MONTAGE AT US LIKE THAT WITH NO WARNING DURING AN ALREADY EXTREMELY EMOTIONALLY TAXING SCENE

-anyway i am both irreparably broken inside and also reborn from this episode. thank you alyssa lane and alex sherman and also i will never forgive you for this

#ofmd #our flag means death #blackbonnet #gentlebeard #ofmd s2 #edward teach #stede bonnet #ofmd s2 spoilers #izzy hands #zheng yi sao

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monstersinthecosmos · 2 years ago

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I have sort of a policy not to publish too much fandom wank but I got an anon I want to address; I hope you know who you are! I just wanna say a couple things about it.

TWO THINGS CAN BOTH BE TRUE AT ONCE:

It is responsible to curate your social media experience, and you should block/mute blogs who make you uncomfortable for your own safety. If anyone wants to block me because they don’t like stuff that I write or ship or post about, please feel free! I don’t care, I’m trying to have a fun time and I want everyone else to have a fun time, and your fun time might mean staying away from me. I respect that 100%! I am an adult, I know that not everyone is going to like me. It is okay!!!!

Fandom antis are notoriously conservatives & radfems/TERFs who are not creative and have nothing to contribute to their fandoms aside from negativity and their own attention seeking. It’s one thing to spread information about a genuinely dangerous person who causes actual harm to real people, and another thing to posture & grandstand about your superior morals while you try to condemn people for thought crimes.

To answer your question: [TLDR] Antis are a cult.

I wrote a post about this last summer too, about the general vibe on Tumblr and how the echochamber of sensitive conservatives and teens trapped unknowingly in the TERF pipeline has contributed really negatively to the fandom experience here, especially after Tumblr banned adult content and effectively drove adults away. (Not to mention heavily queer & sex-positive adults, and sex workers, and NSFW artists, etc). I think some people who stayed saw it as sort of a win for their holy war and it unfortunately made them even more obnoxious. And like if Tumblr wants to be that space for fandom conservatives & respectability politics, cool! Have fun. It’s just also unfortunate that the corporatization of the internet is pushing transgressive independent content to weirder and weirder corners and destroying our communities over and over. Fingers crossed we find a better home soon.

I’ve seen the thing you mentioned and I’m not bothered by it. I think it’s worth questioning the sincerity of these people’s beliefs when you find them in the wild, though, like for example if someone posts that I’m a dangerous creep, I wonder if that person has a history of targeted & vicious harassment and borderline stalking to try to find receipts of my being a dangerous creep. At some point, I gotta ask: Which one of us is actually the fuckign creep here lmfao

I would also ask how often the fandom police claim to be paragons of empathy and morality whilst simultaneously dogpiling people they don’t like and weaponizing ableism and queerphobia to do it. It might be worth it to ask how often one’s mask slips and how quickly they devolve into making serious real life accusations against people for something as ridiculous as a difference of opinion about a TV show. I’d ask if the most vitriolic, nasty, self-superior antagonists in a fandom realize that their AO3 bookmarks & Twitter likes are public and we know that they like noncon as much as everyone else.

Everyone is welcome to block & mute as needed and everyone SHOULD. It is YOUR responsibility to take care of yourself online, this is extremely basic internet safety and entry level maturity. If an artist or a writer makes something that you don’t like, you can block them. No need to create a campaign against them, especially when it’s founded on absolute horseshit LMAO. It costs nothing to stay in your lane and behave like a fucking human.

But yeah I’ve been in and out of this fandom like FOR MY WHOLE LIFE HAHA and I’ve never seen it as bad as it is now. And that’s such a bummer. I’ve never had to block people in this fandom until very recently and it was all cases of dogpiling & using ableism to pick on people. It’s really nasty and I think it’s just a really unfortunate perfect storm of Tumblr’s downfall and the absolute trashfire that this TV show was LMAO. But we predicted this years ago, when the show was first announced, that Tumblr & Gen Z wouldn’t be able to cope with the dark topics and would try to create a crusade about who’s consuming the content in the most God Honoring way. The show asks a lot of difficult questions (the way the books do!) and I think it’s incompatible with black & white Tumblr Thinking. It makes people uncomfortable and they tend to lash out at others instead of getting their own houses in order.

Having said that, I keep my follow list pretty small and I have the conservatives muted. I have a perfectly pleasant quiet time and I encourage people to do the same. Curate your dash!

My role in this fandom has ALWAYS been as a porn writer. It’s what I showed up here doing. And like, if someone really wants to believe that I’m a predator for writing stories about a 500 year old who does not exist and cannot be victimized, idk man. That’s certainly a position to take and they’re welcome to it. I’m not interested in arguing about it. It’s just, yknow. Accusing random strangers online of serious real world crime because they don’t like your TV show, or enjoy a gross book, or wrote porn that you don't like, is such unhinged cult victim behavior I just cannot take it seriously.

So idk, it’s fine if they block me or anyone else. I prefer that. I'll block them first if they seem like fascist conservative bullies. You probably don’t want to hang out with people who think that way, anyway. Find your people ! Find rational adults! Find generous creatives! These clowns are definitely NOT that.

#fuckin tumblr lol #fandom lolitics

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maochira · 2 years ago

Note

Can we have some your oc headcannons? I find he very cool!

YOU WANNA KNOW ABOUT MY OC??? OKAY OKAY. Let me explain EVERYTHING I have about him!! There's a lot, tho. So be prepared! He's a very well-developed character. I basically developed everything for him for first, second and third selecion, as well as the U-20 match! If you have more questions about him, I'd be happy to answer them!! For example his relationship with specific characters, etc.

This is what he looks like!

-Name: Takumi Tsuyosa

-Age: 17/18 (turns 18 in the beginning of first selection)

-Height: 160cm (5"3')

-Weapons: strong kick, high stamina, quick direction changes

-Jersey numbers: 7 (first selection), 28 (second selection), 15 (U-20 match), haven't decided for Neo Egoist League yet

-Second Selection clearing team: Enjin (my friend's OC), Gagamaru, Hiori, Kurona (Zantetsu was in their team on fourth stage but they lost to Barou's team, who chose Zantetsu)

-Neo Egoist League team: Ubers

Tsuyosa didn't start playing soccer for his own enjoyment, it's always been because his father wanted to be a professional player, but never made it, so he wanted his son to live his dream. Basically, this ended in Tsuyosa seeing soccer as a task to please his father instead of as an actual passion or hobby. His skill is great tho, so that's why he was invited to Blue Lock. He didn't want to go, but his father forced him.

In the beginning, Tsuyosa didn't care about winning or not. Actually, he himself wanted to lose so his father will lose his dream. But Tsuyosa is an extremely caring and sweet person, so he only put all his effort into playing in the first match to help his team win. Oh btw, he was in a team with Shidou for first selection!

He had his awakening in the second match of the first selection! Because Tsuyosa is so small, he gets underestimated a lot. For that second match, Tsuyosa played as a center forward in the beginning. When he got onto his position, the opposing team kept belittling him and said things like how easy it's going to be to win, how weak Tsuyosa must be, etc. That provoked Tsuyosa so much, all the frustration inside of him got out and his personality switched completely. Usually, he's very nice, sweet and caring, but suddenly he was an arrogant, egotistical monster and played like one. He helped his team win that match! Ever since that, this monster in him always awakens like this as soon as he starts playing. It's like a switch that turns when the match begins.

This was also how Tsuyosa got the urge to become the world's best striker. Not to please his father or to prove anything to anyone else, but because he wanted to prove to himself how great he is. Tsuyosa is a very rational person, so he usually doesn't feel anger or frustration, since he rationalizes the actions of others. But ever since his awakening, he feels every bit of those feelings as a motivation to play soccer.

He uses his small height to his advantage! Quick stepping pattern, he can change direction very quickly, has good agility, better control over his limbs, and has a good view of the ball! (I actually did research for this on the advantages of being small in soccer.)

Oh also, Tsuyosa has heterochromia! His right eye is red and the left one light blue. He always covers his red eye, except when he plays soccer (after his awakening, as the monster.) Also, his teammates and friends love to randomly push his hair aside to see his red eye.

Tsuyosa doesn't perceive the monster as another personality or another part of him. He always says it's him, just a part that can only come out when he plays soccer. Ego thinks this is very interesting, btw!

After Tsuyosa's awakening, Shidou gets interested in Tsuyosa and they actually get close and start dating very quickly! They actually don't tell anyone about their relationship because Shidou thinks it's funnier if everyone finds out on their own.

For everyone around them, they seem as if they wouldn't fit as a couple, but they do! That's actually the main part of their connection: they equal each other out perfectly! Also, Tsuyosa is very good at sensing how Shidou feels. Which ends up in them being a great combination on the field! In the entirety of Blue Lock, Tsuyosa is the only one who can sense/understand Shidou's crazy playstyle. They help their entire team win the first selection! I might post about their relationship in a more detailed way at some point, there is A LOT more to them than this. I just wanna keep this short here.

In the second selection, Tsuyosa teams up with Enjin (my friend's OC) and Hiori. The first teammate they add is Zantetsu! Then they stay on the fourth stage for quite a while. They lose Zantetsu to Barou, Chigiri, Nagi and Kiyora. After that, they get Gagamaru and Kurona and clear the second selection!

Despite Shidou and Tsuyosa being a couple and loving each other very much, Tsuyosa refuses to be in the same second selection team as Shidou. That's why he teamed up with Enjin and Hiori instead of waiting for Shidou. It's because he wants to improve without Shidou and not make his skill dependent on his boyfriend.

Speaking of Hiori! Tsuyosa and Hiori become good friends because they bond over their backgrounds with living their parents' dreams.

In the third selection, he chooses Team C (Nagi and Yukimiya) and it's not easy to see for a normal observer, but Tsuyosa can still sense Shidou's playstyle and moves, which helps him stealing the ball and dribbling past him.

Originally, Ego intended to put Tsuyosa on the bench for the U-20 match. But when Shidou was chosen for the U-20 team, Ego decided to put Tsuyosa into the starter team as a midfielder (with Karasu) because he knows how Tsuyosa can understand and sense Shidou's way of playing.

Tsuyosa doesn't mind playing against his boyfriend in a match as serious as this, and neither does Shidou. It even motivates them more!

Shidou still says all these things towards Sae he says in the canon. And yes, Tsuyosa hears all of that. Shidou does it in a way to provoke Tsuyosa for fun.

And that makes Tsuyosa enter the flow during the U-20 match!

When they get to leave Blue Lock for a bit, Tsuyosa stays with Shidou in Tokyo. Tsuyosa is from Ehime, which is quite far away. And he also wants to avoid seeing his parents, especially his father.

In the Neo Egoist League, he chooses Ubers! Haven't developed anything past that point for him, tho.

#bllk #blue lock #blue lock headcanons #bllk headcanons #ryusei shidou #shidou ryusei #bllk oc #blue lock oc #💟 tsuyosa twins #💟 shidou x takumi

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obb-z-scene · 1 year ago

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RIProducer's "Pyrite Girl" reminds me of Rick!!

TW mental health and suicide discussion

NOT PROOFREAD IF SOMETHING DOESNT MAKE SENSE IM SORRY

Analysis below. I'm working from the end to the beginning because I said so.

This is the end..chorus? Christ I'm in choir I should know this. Anyways, something about this just screams his mental state. Not all of it, but a lot of it. It showcases how he's both a huge ass egoist and extremely self loathing. Him just knowing he's destroying himself and that he's going bonkers, but also fully deluding himself into thinking that he IS God and is untouchable when in reality he will break any moment now. It also ties into the irony of the title Pyrite girl, which is also known as "fools gold" due to being mistaken as gold for its colour. His "shield of gold" is really a fake protector.

Him putting up protective emotional walls so he does not get attatched again. Probably after Diane's death, and possibly also from being betrayed by Prime in their partnership/relationship? I'm unsure where their relation to eachother will actually lead canonically but I've read some interesting theory posts and it's got me convinced a lil bit so I'm adding this.

He oh so badly wants to be understood and comforted but he doesn't have anyone anymore because they all either left or betrayed him. (Let's push Squanchy and BP aside for the sake of convenience I'm tired) and this will soon turn into a need to hide the vulnerable parts of himself away.

Ricks response to Prime's betrayl, "you left me covered in gold" implying that Rick is the reason he is the way he is today. His anger is new but so is his grief, and it hits so very hard. ("don't you try me! Don't take it lightly!" And "I'm broken, yet somehow, still alive.")

"I've been pulverized for the past five thousand five hundred days." References his endless hunt for Prime. It's exhausting and killing him so badly, example "you shattered my mind one thousand times.", but he's counting every single day to torture himself because he can't keep failing his family. This can also be backed by how the AI in his old house taunts him so horribly, and he even fucked with the time in that dimension just so he could suffer and continue to look with a constant agonizing reminder.

This mainly just reminds me of all the enemies and allies he's made but there's also an actual point here. The people in his life that love him want to try and fix him in their own way. People like Birdperson and Morty. Probably even short term partners, not-seen-in-canon-friends, and probably Unity too when it broke things off. It realized it could not fix someone that wants to stay broken. And Rick does need support, he needs his big support system because he's been so lonely for so long. But without him putting the work in himself, not much can be done. I actually read a fanfiction where Unity had used some sort of mind control to make Rick pass out before he killed himself, and I think that was really smart but also sad. It knows it can't jeopardize it's own health to be around him, he is toxic and infectious like the plague. He seeps into every person around him to survive, but it sees the humanity in him.

In conclusion, the song can be seen as Ricks fall into...himself. or a fake self, someone he shouldn't have been. You can also just think all of this is bullshit and that's okay too. This song is really good and it's story is both a thinker and easy to place at the same time! I hope I made sense and that my tired almost-4-AM brain didn't make you want to retake kindergarten. Feel free to pm me or comment whether you just wanna tell me how your day was or you want to discuss this more. :)

-Ozzy

#riproducer #pyrite girl #rick and morty #r&m #song analysis #character analysis #correlating two things that don't fit #like me and social skills #mental health #rick sanchez #rick sanchez analysis #morty smith #birdperson #squanchy #Spotify

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the-acid-pear · 1 year ago

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My dream was very weird let me recall it as best as I can.

I remember being outside of a bar. I think I was L.L. because I spoke about being able to teleport. Some guys were ordering food and I was like nahh I'd go get some Winnie The Pooh sushi right now if I wanted... But the guy with me was like well go get that now. And I was like maybe but first I need to go to the bathroom ☹️. Two guys sorted me for some reason, I was barely walking bc i was pissing my pants so fucking bad, although earlier I had talked about having my period but when I went to pee w my weenie I started thinking of how weird that'd be for them (and fuck, even me) to understand. To pee, one of my friends ripped off one of the sink bowls (like those fancy bathrooms have, which was weird because the shop was some street food parlor falling apart) and was like Haha sorry, go ahead 😈 but I was like nah nah that'll be enough and I pushed it under the sink with my foot before unzipping and starting to pee on it. I remember being extremely flustered because I didn't want the others to see my dick, and I was also confused because I didn't know how to use one? Because this was a very fucking vivid dream.

No one said anything about my cock and I think we all left back to eat. All I remember about my Winnie The Pooh sushi is a vague figure drawn in yellow, some pile of green and a little black thing. But I didn't get to eat because I saw the old man was going to the bathroom so I rushed after him since, you know, we'd destroyed the fucking thing. Because I forgot for a second but fsr I left my cock hanging on a place similar to those were you place soap? It was a pretty good cock btw. Around 5-6 cm of length and maybe 3, 2.5 of girth? Like, measuring from the top, I don't have the resources to wrap a measurement tape around the cock in the bathroom BECAUSE...

Room was dark old man was very fucking old and first thing he did was nearly hit the sink and he laughed it off as I was like, literally grabbing my head. Because this was a fucking dangerous guy, right? This guy was serious business, we didn't wanna mess with him. So I stopped him on his tracks and after fumbling my way trying to grab a stick from the stick pile and a cloth I started washing the floor which I'm not too sure why was wet, our dirty aah shoes I suppose. And I did a shit job btw. Absolutely terrible. Old man stopped me and I was like fuck man I'm sorry it's so bad but he was like No no, this is good. He admired that I went off my way to prevent him from getting hurt and likely dying as any other idiot would've tried so he instead took me to the room nextdoor, his bedroom, and offered it as a place for me to stay.

Bedroom was a fucking mess, room had a yellow tint to it. Cracked walls, old thin bedsheets, old wood and old clothes, and the best part yet, when I leaned down for some reason I got a peek below the covers of... Black Homer Simpson. Which I soon got to see a better look of when the old man pulled off the cloth revealing Homer and I guess Bart, both black (racially ambaiguos...) and skinny to the bone, long dead, like they were two mummies. Homer's eyes were open but Bart's weren't. The old man explained the left bit of bed next to Bart was mine and the other bit of bed was his which is literally that one image I'll add afterwards.

Act 2

A big change happened after I left that place, because was I not only on a boat with a pack of criminals but I was also one of the racoon twins from HTF. I was significantly less evil than my brother and aside from real Luly watching this like a show wondering why no one shipped the racoon w the old man (now a sort of old mole, but not Mole just a similar look) (his name was alistor I think also?) I don't recall anything significant.

END OF ACT 2?

See this is where things get truly weird because I don't know when I stopped being the racoon. I remember travelling on that boat for a long time, going thru tunnels and docks but never got off until I was in this park. The park was full of humans with animals and some with babies. I don't know why we were there. Every dog we saw was big and aggressive, not outright attacking us but just letting us know a beast his size could crush us to a pulp. I suppose we were still animals.

Act 3

And it was when we were leaving that place I changed person once again, now I was this skinny blonde unassuming man, I think I was disabled too I couldn't really get words out and I just starred at people sort of confusing at everything. And I had a baby in my arms.

The baby was small, so fucking small. I could fit her in my palm, that's how tiny this baby was. And she was wrapped in a cloth. The place we were in looked like the inside of a train station. The baby was a normal size when I ran into her so called "father". He, also blonde but a more vibrant and orangey tone, I was an ashy platinum blonde, more of a square face, very manly and very European looking, started telling me to give him his baby back. He had a red university hoodie on and a turtleneck sweater peaking from underneath. I think his name was Thompson, or his surname. I really liked this baby and this guy was freaking me out and I had a vision. A memory, a flashback.

I was back in the boat. It was him and me, sitting alone in a long long table. There were no walls, it was like a train that boat of ours. A voice spoke from beyond, like a radio . "If you find Allis Calypso you have to kill him". Her words repeated in a cold manner. At the time of the dinner when I was still a raccoon I wouldn't have known it but know I did, this man in front of me trying to take this baby from me was Calypso.

And our clothes were different inside the boat, I believe we were pirates. All browns and dirty whites. His shirt was now washed pink as now he had what I can only assume was some fancy silverware, assuming by the sculpted handle, buried deep in the middle of his guts. He was a memory, he didn't react, he only fell over slightly. I started to run with the baby in my hands as the voice repeated "Just this once, you'll be forgiven. Now get out".

Act 4, final act

Now I was just running with this baby so small it got lost inside the cloth. The environment looked so familiar once more, like my very own. I knew I needed someplace for the baby, someplace to keep it safe and, hell, fucking feed lt. Baby was scarily quiet though.

I was lucky to run into a fence, tall metal one. I wasn't only scared for the baby, I was scared for myself. I had left my team behind, I had no weapons on me, and I was the most useless man they had, now on the run for murder. It was during this act someone called me Albert.

From outside the fence I saw two little kids playing, before what I can only assume was their mother came out. She was so fucking latina, she was a face I've seen so often. She had big eyes with thick kind of smudgy makeup, a teal tanktop barely covering her chest, fat as the rest of her (amen), and short jean shorts on top of flip flops. He hair was dyed, a shade darker than her skin, a vibrant brown color.

I don't even know if I said a world or if she simply started asking what was my problem and I showed the small child I was holding. She was like "y'know what? I'm still lactating (she used a different word) so just this once I'll help you".

We went to her room, it was amaizing. So familiar. She even had an old tv and a dvd player. Clothes everywhere, old messy bed, big window no curtains. She laid down in the bed, I just stood. She was beautiful, but I wasn't even remotely attracted to her. The thought only crosses my mind now as I'm awake. All I could think of was the baby in my arms.

She said she didn't cry, and for a second I feared she was dead, but soon she woke up and started kinda sobbing. She breastfed her, I didn't look.

I started thinking, should I stay here? The woman seemed already fond of my baby. I knew I couldn't take care of her. I didn't have any place left to go, either. Should I just leave the baby with her and run away? Wouldn't that be cruel? But I couldn't do or say anything. I just looked down as she gently cradled the baby in her arms, and before I knew I woke up, because the story ended there.

#luly talks #my dreams #super long one this is bc i took sleeping pills last night LMAO #in retrospective i think someone else handed me the bsby #i think we were doing that just exchanging shit. babies dogs who give a fuck. baby wanted to be with me tho so i took her.#it almost was liek she was reverting tho from a toddler to a fetus lmao #very fun shit it took me like an hour to write this whole thing down 😭😭😭

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roving-boi · 2 years ago

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Dear Diary..

Hey, so a little good news is I have no school on Monday. Sooo we got a 3 day weekend. Today’s Thursday. So not quite Friday yet. I have a math test to do soon but instead of studying here I am talking about my dumb feelings again. Also some good news is me and my best friend Cristine are gonna play life is strange together. So, I know I don’t really talk about her because I’ve been so fixated on my boyfriend and stuff, but y’know we can give the Simon talk a slight rest for a minute. I’ve been so obsessed with life is strange since it first came out like 8 years ago almost. Well, they put out this remastered version of the first and prequel game. So of course I bought it. Buttt I did wait for it because it was a bit rough at launch unfortunately.

Y’know I really hate getting so excited for a game to come out and then when it does it’s an absolute disaster. I feel like they don’t care about pushing out quality these days. But it’s been about a year now and I think the game is fixed up enough for me to enjoy it. They reanimated the characters and fixed their facial expressions and added some graphical touches to the game and the like. It’s not worth the price though. 40 bucks for both games. Sounds fair right? But not when you consider the fact that the original games are like 20 bucks together. So they doubled the price. I mean I guess it’s understandable but it really isn’t acceptable when you release a broken mess.

Anyway, yeah I bought it. And today after school I’m hoping that I could stream the game for awhile and have Cristine watch me play. I just have the feeling she’d really enjoy it. Honestly the game is so cozy feeling. I love max’s personality. I think Chloe is pretty cool, and I love the art style of the game. I remember I used to stick my hand out and pretend I was rewinding time or something. A little like how I used to pretend pencils were Harry Potter wands. Speaking of that, the new hogwarts legacy game just came out but it’s like extremely controversial because the author of the Harry Potter books is a bit of a bigot and uhhh yeah.. I’m still going to get the game for my birthday, which is coming up in April. I don’t really care about rowling’s business. Im not trying to sound rude or anything. But cmon just let me please enjoy my stupid wizard fantasy in peace.

In other news Simon and I talked about children again. Of course that didn’t turn out well. I don’t think I really want to have a child, but y’know I’m too young to really make that decision and opinion anyway. But the topic came up or something and he was talking about how he doesn’t wanna adopt or anything and I suggest he have his sister surrogate. Y’know there’s nothing really wrong with that. Im just suggesting a method that would technically work IF he wanted to have a child that was genetically accurate. Of course, he shut me down immediately after the suggestion and said it was “hella fucking weird” and this and that. Like okay calm down, it was only a hypothetical suggestion. I’m just saying if for whatever reason you DID end up wanting a kid that’s just a method. That’s all. Gosh. And to be reasonable here it’s not really that weird, at least I don’t think so.

But aside from that fiasco, I’m really wondering if he actually does want a child or not. I feel like maybe he thinks about it, but doesn’t wanna have one while in a uh.. gay relationship. I don’t know maybe I’m wrong. But it feels like if he did want a child, it would be proper. Y’know, between a man and a woman, and a typical genetically accurate child. I mean, I guess that’s not wrong to feel that way. But again I could just be wrong. He probably really doesn’t actually want a child at all and I’m just being dumb and overthinking the situation. I don’t even really want one myself at the moment anyway. So i dunno why I’m looking into it so much.

I did find it a red flag however when we talked about marriage and he said he doesn’t want to marry me. Then blames it on his family. It’s understandable? But like cmon that’s really off putting and i dunno how else to say that.

Anyway guess I’m signing off for now, I hope today turns out good.

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aresmarked · 3 years ago

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do you have any good tips for arcanum world beyond because i just unlocked it and im struggling

i recommend some sort of one turn ougi team and a gladiator/chrysaor team. chry or gladiator lets use get ten hits on decimate with an auxiliary weapon equipped, and it's superior elemental damage, so the team's element matters less, and you can just bring your strongest team.

for your ougi team, relic buster with limit burst is probably ideal. this is to deal with a certain enemy that has repel, which will damage your characters for every hit--essentially punishing multihit attacks. It's less an issue with more HP, but you probably aren't there yet.

certain characters can also greatly reduce the difficulty of arcarum. threo is capable of dealing plain damage and making fights basically a non-issue, even in extreme, where plain damage gets halved. tweyen's s2 applies lethal hit, which, if it doesn't instantly end an encounter, will mean less targets for decimate to be spread across.

with regards to items: https://gbf.wiki/Arcarum:_The_World_Beyond generally i follow the buy/do not buy things here, but i would say astras can be *somewhat* worth buying if you've gotten all the other mats you need for an Evoker character and you are farming one in particular. (most efficient way is to just farm and gather mats together, shifting focus when you have enough Ideans since that particular mat can't be bought with arcapoints (and shouldn't be bought with new world quartz cause that shit rare).)

#as an aside as soon as you can you wanna push for extreme because it has unique mats #it may be difficult now but sooner or later it'll be a breeze and you can use arcarum to level units #war replies #war grands a blue

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just-call-me-angel · 3 years ago

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The Perfect Girl

Warnings: nsft content, non-con/dub-con elements, manipulation, slut shaming, Reader is Ruby Sparks, author is a disgusting little Calvin Weir-field's apologist

Author's Note: I am not ashamed to admit that I have had severe brain rot over Calvin Weir-Fields since the moment I saw Ruby Sparks. I am a Calvin apologist first and a person second. Please be mindful of the tags, this fic involves heavy non-con/dub-con elements that may be triggering. If this is not something you are interested in I ask that you simply move past my fic and forget it even exists. (Curate your online experience how you want it to be!)If you do read the fic and enjoy it feel free to leave some comments for me to read later when I inevitably come back to read through this and giggle like an idiot over Calvin being a dickhead.

Pairing: Calvin Weir Fields X Reader

Summary: Calvin should hate himself for how easy it is to lie to you. He should hate himself for how much he enjoys bending you to his will. But he doesn't hate himself, he doesn't even try. In the beginning, he had tried to delude himself into thinking he was doing the right thing in rewriting you. He told himself he was helping you and for a time he was content in believing that it was true. But with every edit he made to you it became clear it wasn't about making you happy anymore. It was about him. Because the truth was that Calvin was a selfish man who wanted you all to himself. He wanted you to belong to him. He had made you after all, was it so awful for him to want to keep you as his perfect girl?

Ao3

You should have known the night wasn’t going to end well as soon as Calvin had reminded you about that stupid fucking party. You should have told him to just go on his own. Maybe then you wouldn’t have ended up arguing.

Or maybe you still would have argued. These days you never really knew what to expect from Calvin. Hell you barely knew what to expect from yourself anymore. You were in a constant loop of going from extremely happy, giggling as Calvin kissed the back of your neck while you tried to cook to so depressed that you’d taken to locking yourself up in the spare room so Calvin wouldn’t see you crying to angry at everything, especially Calvin and then back to happy.

It was driving you insane. You were tired, you were frustrated and your feet were fucking burning after standing in heels all night. The last thing you wanted to do right now argued. But that didn’t stop Calvin from tearing into you as you tried your best to ignore him.

“You’re supposed to be my fucking girlfriend, (Y/N)”

You scoffed, tugging your heels off and tossing them aside, “I AM your girlfriend.”

“Then fucking act like it”

You rolled your eyes, shoving past him to enter your shared bedroom, “Oh I’m sorry I wasn’t acting like the idealized version you have of me in your fucking head.” you shook your head, “Jesus you can be such a fucking prude sometimes.”

“No! Because you don’t want me doing anything!” you’re throat was already burning with the force of you shouting at him, “You have all these fucking rules and you don’t tell me until, WHOOPS– I’ve broken one! And then you get to be a self-entitled prick and act all disappointed in me?”

It was Calvin's turn to scoff as he followed you into the room, “ I’m a prude? Why because I don’t want you skinny dipping with other men?”

He stalked towards you, frustratingly less shaken than you were, “Okay.. You wanna know my rules?” he spoke to you like you were a child, “ Don't fuck other men. Don’t let other men think about fucking you.”

“So now I’m responsible for what people think too?”

He nodded as if you had asked him the dumbest question, “Yea. You are responsible. When you act a certain way, it leads people on.” he pauses, looking you up and down for a moment as if assessing you, “When you take your clothes off at a party, it makes people think you’re a slut.” he licked his lips, pushing he glasses back up his nose and leaning forward to stand eye level with you, “So i’d really prefer it if you didn’t do that. Is that clear enough for you?”

You saw red as soon as the words ‘slut’ passed from his lips. “Fuck you Calvin.” You huffed, shaking your head and shoving roughly past him to get to the closet, tearing off your dress hastily, “I’m not your child for fucks sake. You don’t get to decide what I do.” You shuffled through your closet, grabbing one of your sleep shirts to toss on. You just wanted to go to bed.

“Wanna bet?”

You spun around, “What?”

He wasn’t looking at you as he spoke, “I’m pretty sure I can make you do whatever I want.”

You scoffed, biting the inside of your cheek as you shook your head at him, “Oh yeah? And what are you gonna do Calvin? Tie me up?”Any other day the idea of Calvin tying you up and controlling you might have made you feel hot between your thighs, but tonight it wasn’t a flirtatious remark, and you both knew it.

He shifted a little, “No, I don’t have to.” he tilted his head at you, expression flat as he pushed past you to leave the room. You stood there angrily for a moment, wiping at the tears already streaming down your reddened cheeks before following after him to find him standing quietly in front of his desk, holding a stack of papers.

He stared at the stack of papers for a moment and then peered at you, setting them down on his desk and motioning for you to come closer. Slowly you did, brows furrowed in confusion, as you hoped he’d just pull you into a hug and apologize for being an asshole so the two of you could finally go back to normal. Instead, he tapped the stack of papers for a moment and slipped the top sheet off of the stack. Calvin didn’t say a word, just silently handed you a piece of paper and waited for you to read it. You looked at the paper and then back up at him, trying to understand what he wanted from you.

“Calvin can we please just go to bed and we can talk about this tomorrow…” you sighed, already losing whatever fight you had left in you. You were so sick of arguing with him. You missed the old Calvin and you were desperately clinging on to the hope that the two of you would eventually go back to being the happy couple you had once been.

“Read it.”

Slowly you read the first few lines on the page and with every word you became more confused and angrier. Calvin was writing about you.

You stared at the paper for what felt like hours before looking up to meet his gaze. Everything was so confusing. Why was Calvin writing about you? Did he think this was some sort of joke? He didn’t seem at all bothered by the tears already forming in your eyes. It was terrifying the way he just watched you, waiting for you to react. You felt anger rise in your belly, why was he acting like this wasn’t even a big deal. Did he not understand that you could end the relationship in an instant? Did he not even care?

“Look at me when I’m fucking talking to you Calvin.” you crumpled the paper and tossed it at him, “You can’t fucking write about me…. That's…. That's fucking personal!” You moved to hit his chest again, yelping when he caught you by the wrist. He squeezed your wrists hard, but still refused to speak a single word to you. You tried to pull your arms out of his grasp, but he refused to budge.

You waved the paper in front of him wildly, “What the fuck is this Calvin?” he didn’t answer, just cocked his head at you and stared blankly, “You can’t write about me.” you shouted, shaking the paper again, and slamming your fists against his chest. Still, he refused to react.

“Calvin. I'm fucking serious are you even fucking listening to me?” your throat was already burning before you could scream and shout at him as much as you really wanted to. He rolled his eyes. He actually fucking rolled his eyes and sighed like you were the one being unreasonable.

“Calvin… You’re hurting me…. Dammit, let me go.” you pushed against him, scrambling to catch yourself when he finally released you to sit in his desk chair.

“What the fuck is going on with you Calvin?” you hissed, massaging your wrists, they were sure to bruise. “Calvin can you just answer me,”

He looked up at you, crossing his arms in front of his chest as he tilted his jaw up at you exhaling heavily. “What do you want me to say, (Y/N)?”

That was the final straw before you imploded, stomping out of the room to pack your things, “You know what fuck you, Calvin, you aren’t fucking worth it.”

You shuffled through the house in a mad dash, grabbing your things and tossing them wildly into a bag as your vision blurred from the tears in your eyes. It didn’t even matter what you were grabbing at this point, you just needed to get the fuck out of here and as far away from Calvin as you possibly could. You had no idea what the fuck was going on with him lately but it scared you the way he seemed so fucking calm about the whole situation. He was writing about you. About things, you had never told him about and yet he somehow knew every single detail. It didn’t even fucking make any sense.

Scotty whimpered by the door, clearly distressed by the noise you were making moving around the house frantically. You passed the small dog, kneeling to kiss his head before entering Calvin’s office again, with your bag stuffed full and hanging off of your shoulder. Calvin remained exactly where you had left him, he didn’t even look up as you entered, he just stared at his typewriter.

“Calvin please.” you were crying now, hard enough to make your eyes burn and your chest ache. He began to type, you could barely see him through your tears but you could hear the click of each key locking into place.

“Calvin,” you said voice trembling. He couldn’t even give you the common decency to end the relationship peacefully.

“Calvin,” you repeated a little louder, shaking your head when he still refused to meet your gaze. Instead, he pulled himself closer to his desk, fingers gliding over the keys of his typewriter.

“Calvin?” you whimpered before you could stop yourself. You reached for the door again but it only made you feel dizzier until you crumbled to the floor with a sob. You looked up through teary eyes at Calvin as he stared over his typewriter, not daring to get up and help you. You tried not to think about the way he looked almost smug as he stared at you, it only seemed to make you feel worse.

You shook your head, “Have a good one Calvin…I’ll have someone come by and grab the rest of my stuff some other time.” you mumbled, not even really caring if he heard you at this point. He continued typing as you walked to the front door and didn’t stop until you were twisting the knob to open the door.

Suddenly you felt dizzy and you’re knees buckled under you causing you to lean against the door, wincing when your bag crashed to the floor.

“Calvin please.” you sobbed, as he began to type again, light reflecting off his glasses and making his eyes impossible to see properly.

“I told you I could make you do what I wanted,” he said lowly, voice barely above a whisper as he typed furiously. What was he even talking about? What was going on? Why were you even mad at him? Why were trying to leave? You couldn’t remember, trying to remember made your whole body ache.

“Calvin please.” you cried, dragging yourself up slowly, letting out a broken sob when you felt an ache between your thighs, “Calvin… I don't…. I don’t know what's happening.” Why did you feel so hot all of the sudden? Why did you feel so dizzy? Why was Calvin writing while you were just

laying there in agony?

So many questions and each one only seemed to increase the ache between your thighs. You sobbed, curling your body forward into a ball on the floor. You were so confused and you could still feel the anger lingering in the back of your mind but you just couldn’t reach it.

“You were perfect (Y/N) why did you have to make me do this?” he asked softly as if he were speaking to a child. A tiny voice in your head begged you to tell him to fuck off but you couldn’t, the words got stuck in your throat, and instead, you whined for him. You needed him. You needed to apologize. You didn’t even know why you needed to apologize but it didn’t matter. You needed to make things right. It was like someone had gone in and rewritten your programming.

“Calvin, please ‘m sorry.” you whimpered, shaky hands reaching out towards him even though you were too far to reach him.

He crooned at you, shaking his head as he shoved away from his desk, patting his thigh gently, “Come here (Y/N). Poor thing you can’t even understand what's happening.” you scrambled forward without hesitation, every fiber of your being begged to be closer to him despite the angry little voice in the back of your mind that seemed to grow quieter and quieter with every passing minute. He helped you gently onto his lap, situating you so you straddled one of his thighs as he pulled his chair back towards his desk.

“ ‘m sorry Calvin, ‘m sorry,” you repeated through broken sobs as you leaned heavily against him, whimpering when he moved his knee to grind between your thighs where you were aching to have him.

“I know baby I know, It’s alright, I’m gonna fix everything okay,” he hummed softly, one hand caressing wrapped around your waist while the other moved to bring his typewriter closer so you could read what he had been typing.

You whined, fingers curling into the fabric of his shirt nervously,” Come on baby read it for me.” he directed softly, his hand moving from his typewriter down to your thigh. He waited patiently, fingers gliding over your skin, carefully moving beneath the bunched-up fabric of the dress you were wearing until you could feel his fingers just barely grazing over your panties. He didn’t move any further, clearly waiting for you to do as he had instructed.

With a sob, you obeyed, leaning forward a bit to better read the words on the page through the haze of your confusion, “ (Y/N) couldn’t leave Calvin. She needed him. (Y/N) couldn’t remember why she had been so angry or why she had tried to leave, all she knew was that she needed Calvin. Every time she tried to remember why she was angry she would feel desperate for Calvin.” You paused, choking on a whimper as he slowly moved his hand past the waist back of your panties, “Calvin, please… I’m…I don’t know what's happening… this doesn’t… this doesn’t make sense.”

“Shhh baby I know just keep reading, I’ll explain it all once you finish and then I’ll make it all better okay.” He whispered, gently brushing your hair over your shoulder with his free hand to leave kisses along the nape of your neck.

You whined but couldn’t bring yourself to disobey, Calvin knows what's best for me, Calvin always knows what's best for me. Taking a shaky breath you began to read the paper again, “ All (Y/N) knows is that she needs Calvin and only Calvin can give her what she needs. Only Calvin could make her feel better.” You let out a broken sob as another wave of heat burned through your body making your thighs tremble and your hips buck desperately against Calvin’s hand.

“You’re so close baby, just a little more and I’ll make you feel better like I promised.” he crooned, sucking on your neck, leaving purple bruises in his wake, “You want to feel better, don’t you? You want me to make you feel good?” he asked sweetly, letting his finger just barely graze over your clit causing you to sob, fingers grasping desperately at his shirt, an effort to pull him closer. “You want me to fix this don’t you baby?”You nodded, whining breathlessly when he motioned for you to continue and moved his hand to graze over your clit again.

“Only Calvin could make the ache stop. Every time (Y/N) tried to remember being angry at Calvin she would become consumed with desire, unable to think of anything other than how badly she wanted Calvin and how desperately she needed to cum. She belonged with Calvin. She belonged to Calvin.” Upon reading the last words on the page Calvin blessedly moved to rub his thumb gently over your clit, cooing praise when you bucked into his hand.

“Do you remember when you asked me earlier why I was writing about you, do you remember that baby?” he whispered against your jaw. You shook your head, whimpering when he nipped at your neck, “come on baby, try to remember” he encouraged, smiling against your skin as you shook your head.

“Please… ‘m sorry Calvin.” you whimpered, bucking your hips against his hand to lessen the ache still burning between your thighs. He chuckled, kissing at a bruise he had sucked into your skin moments before.

“I can’t…. Calvin… Can’t re-remember… hurts” you said through broken sobs. He hummed, rubbing soothing circles over your side with his free hand while his other hand remained between your thighs, lazily thumbing at your clit.

“You need me to remind you, baby?” he whispered, kissing along your jaw and down your neck, nipping at the skin when you didn’t give him an answer immediately.

“It's alright baby,” he hummed, moving his free hand from your side up to cradle your jaw to get you to look at him. Even through the blur of your tears, you could see his green eyes were blown out and dark with something between madness and lust. It terrified you and yet you couldn’t look away nor could you stop yourself from leaning into his touch, kissing the palm of his hand as it cupped your cheek.

He smiled, wiping tears from your cheeks with his thumb, “You asked me why I was writing about you… do you remember that baby?” You shook your head, wincing when it made your vision blur even more. He nodded, his hand stilling against your cunt to make sure you were completely focused on his words, “Well I wasn’t just writing about you baby.” he paused watching your expression closely as you blinked back at him.

He leaned in a little closer, pressing a kiss to your other cheek, catching the taste of your tears on his lips as he whispered, “I wrote you.” You froze completely, like a dear in headlights, eyes wide and brows furrowed as you tried to understand what he was talking about.

“W-what… What are you talking about?” You ask through hiccups and sniffles.

“I wrote you baby.” he paused, smiling as he traced little shapes on your cheek with his thumb, “Everything you are. Everything you do. Everything you have. It's all because of me. Because that’s how I wrote you.” The voice in the back of your head comes back, Leave! Leave! Get away from him! You have to leave! Don’t let him do this! He can’t do this! He can’t get away with this! Leave! ESCAPE!

He smiles as he watches you wince with the force of the aching in your head coming back as you try desperately to remember what was going on before Calvin pulled you onto his lap. God, you just wanted the aching and the burning to stop. You wanted the voice in your head to shut up. You didn’t care why you couldn’t remember, you just wanted the pain to stop. You wanted Calvin to help you. You needed Calvin to make everything better. The yelling in your head comes to halt. The silence is deafening and it makes you cling harder to Calvin for a moment.

You pull his hand from between your thighs before he can stop you. He grunts, lurching forward to grab you until he realizes you are twisting around in his lap to face him. You fall into his chest, fingers grasping desperately at his shirt to pull him as close as possible while you sob into his shoulder. He sits frozen, momentarily shocked by your actions. He had expected you to fight him again, yet here you were curled into his lap, crying pathetically and begging for him to fix her.

“Calvin please… it hurts so bad… please… I want it to stop…” your words came out broken, lost between your sobs, “Please… please Cal….you…you promised… you promised you would make it better.”

Calvin had a moment of clarity. He should put a stop to this. He should let you go. He shouldn’t do this to you. But how could he possibly say no when you’re begging him to make everything better.

He wraps his arms around you carefully, “shh baby I got you… I’m gonna fix this okay.” you sobbed harder, nodding into his shoulder, “I'm gonna make you feel better, just like I promised don’t worry.” Thank you. Thank you. God. Thank you, you think desperately clinging to him like he’s a god damn lifeline. He moves to stand up suddenly, making you nearly jump out of your skin but he’s holding you close enough that you don’t fall back. He taps your thighs, and you bring your legs around his waist before he even needs to say the words.

He hums, you can feel the vibrations of him speaking but you don't hear what he's saying, all you know is he’s holding you and he’s never letting you go, and he’s going to make you feel better. He shuffles away from his desk quickly and shoves his desk chair so hard that it spins backward, hitting the wall with a thump that makes you yelp, fists curling tighter into his shirt.

“Sorry baby,” he mumbles pressing a kiss into your hair. It’s okay, I forgive you, you think, just fix this. Fix me. You don’t even realize he’s taking you to the bedroom until he’s leaning forward to gently lay you onto the mattress. You whine as he pulls away, no don't go, stay, you promised you would make this better, your voice echos desperately in your head.

“You have to let me go for a moment baby, I’m not gonna leave you, I just need you to let me go so I can make you feel better remember?” he hummed, breath fanning over your neck and making you shiver. You whine again but allow him to pull away until he’s standing over you and you can barely see his face with the light behind him.

Is this what salvation feels like?

You don’t have time to decide on an answer to your thoughts before his hands are on your thighs, tracing lines upwards until he’s got the hem of your skirt bunched up around your waist. You shift your legs to press into his touch, whining when he presses you back down into the bed.

“Let me take care of you,” he whispers, leaning forward to press kisses to your thighs. You whimper but don’t argue. Calvin always knew what was best for you. He hums in approval, sucking little bruises into your thighs as he makes his way up towards your panties.

He clicks his tongue, “Oh poor thing you’re soaked.” he tugs at the band of your panties with one hand while the other moves to lift your hips to guide the fabric down your thighs.

“Thank you,” you whine breathlessly.

“Lift your hips again honey,” he tells you, shuffling to swipe his pillow from his side of the bed. You do as he says without question, legs trembling as you let him place the pillow under your hips. He is back between your thighs before you even have to beg him, pressing kisses to your thighs again until he reaches your cunt. You sob and move to push your legs together the moment his lips ghost over your clit.

“Come on baby, you gotta open your legs for me to make you feel better.” he croons, tracing little circles over your hips, humming in encouragement when you shakily spread your legs again.

“There ya go, sweetheart,” he whispers against the apex of your thigh, “Just let me take care of you baby.” You don’t even have to say a word before his lips are back on you, tongue lapping at the slick pooling between your thighs.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

You aren’t even sure if you’ve said the words aloud but it doesn’t matter when Calvin’s got his face pressed into your cunt like it fucking belongs there. He presses one hand against your hip while the other guides your legs up and over his shoulder.

It’s unfair how quickly Calvin unravels you. A simple swipe of his tongue over your clit and his hand slipping down to join his mouth between your thighs and your mind goes hazy. He doesn’t even have to try very hard to slip two fingers into you, groaning against your cunt when he feels you squeeze around his fingers.

“Christ, baby you’re a mess,” he says it like it's a compliment, curling his fingers against that sweet spot inside you that makes you go all stupid for him.

“Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.” you’re positive you’re saying the words aloud this time, distantly you can hear the airy whine of your voice beneath the haze you’re practically drowning in.

“Please” you whimper through broken sobs, fists curled into the bedsheets and cheeks flushed red and dripping with tears. He lifts his head from between your thighs, chin shining with your slick, smiling lazily at you with his glasses askew and foggy.

“So good for me sweetheart, such a pretty, perfect, little thing you are” he praises, slowly slipping a third finger into your weeping cunt, chuckling when you try moving your hips. He’s slow and meticulous in taking you apart but you’re already so impossibly close to the edge it makes you sob with every delicious curl of his fingers.

He presses his fingers deeper, thumb tracing tight circles over your clit that make you pant for him, “Please what baby? Tell me what you want.” You look at him through wet lashes, tears blurring at the edge of your vision as he presses gentle kisses on your thighs, nipping lightly at the sensitive skin when you don’t answer him immediately. He grins when he feels you clench around his fingers. You shake your head, shifting your hips to try to get him to move a little faster.

“Don’t be a brat now pretty girl,” he says, stopping almost instantly just letting you clench pathetically around his fingers, thighs trembling as you keep trying to move your hips against his hand. He presses his free hand to your hip, holding you down against the pillow tucked beneath you.

“Come on baby, all you have to do is tell me what you want and I’ll give it to you.” He curls his fingers inside you, letting his thumb graze over your clit briefly and grinning at the way you turn to putty in his hands.

“Please… Please ‘m so close.”

He hums in approval but remains still, leaning down slightly to press a kiss just above your clit.

“Please… please….ple- fuck… please make me come.”

He smiles, doesn’t even give you a chance to repeat yourself before he’s fucking his fingers back into you, “Atta girl… See that wasn’t so hard, was it?”

You can’t even tell if you’re nodding or shaking your head, distantly you think you can hear yourself agreeing with him. Calvin’s right. Calvin’s always right. Calvin knows what’s best. Calvin always knows best.

“I’ll make you feel good baby,” he promises.

And he does. He doesn’t even have to fight to pull you over the edge. He latches onto your clit and your mind goes blank. And before you know it you’re falling over the edge, crying out Calvin’s name in broken sobs as you clench around his fingers. He groans, lapping at your cunt as if he needs it to survive while he fucks you through your climax.

You’re a mess beneath him babbling incoherently and he fucking loves it. He loves that he’s the only one who’s ever gotten to see you like this. He doesn’t even notice he’s rocking his hips against the mattress desperately seeking the tight heat between your trembling thighs until he hears you whining for him.

“I..” you whine, fingers curling into his hair and tugging lightly, “I want– fuck, please… I want you Cal… please…”

He can’t even bring himself to tell them to say exactly what they want as much. He wants to tease it out of you, make you beg and cry for him to he fucks you like you need him to. But he needs you just as much as you need him.

He leaves one last kiss over your clit, slowly slipping his fingers out of you with a slick noise. He pushes up onto his knees, cock straining beneath his pants. You tug him upwards with more force than he expected, fingers already grasping desperately at the buttons of his shirt.

“Please” you whine, fumbling with his shirt, tugging on it in frustration when your fingers slip on the buttons. Calvin shuffles closer and moves his hands to guide yours to finish unbuttoning his shirt. Once his shirt is tossed to the side, you lay still beneath him, shaky hands making their way up to his chest as you stare up at him with a dazed smile.

“Calvin please… make me feel good,” you whisper like it's a prayer, a silent confession of your sins.

Mercifully he answers your prayers in an instant, pulling you into a heated kiss, groaning when your fingers tangle into his hair. One hand reaches up to cradle your head while the other fumbles with his belt until he can shove his pants down too hastily to his thighs. He doesn’t even bother taking them off fully, and even if he tried you probably wouldn’t let him pull away from you enough to succeed.

It’s exactly easy for him to situate himself between your thighs when you refuse to let him go but he manages well enough, grunting when he presses forward and lets his cock glide against your clit. He slips his fingers between your legs again and guides his cock against your cunt until he’s as soaked as you are.

“Please”

He doesn’t even make you ask him again before he’s pressing the tip of cock into you with a long-drawn-out groan.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you, fuc- thank you” you sigh, pulling him impossibly close until you start to forget where you end and he begins as he presses deeper.

He bottoms out with a low whine, gripping your hips as he lays over you for a moment, lost in the feeling of your tight cunt clenching around him.

“You’re so fucking perfect.” he groans, pressing bruising kisses along your jaw and down your neck, one hand moving from your hips to tug at your top, bunching it up at your collarbone as he sucks a few bruises onto your chest. You roll your hips up, crying softly when he pulls back until only the tip of his cock is pressing into you.

He looks down at you through fogged-up glasses, breath catching in his throat at the little smile you give him. You look at him like he’s saved you, and he crumbles instantly, hips driving into you until all you can do is stare up at him through teary eyes, his name falling from your lips like it's something sacred.

“You’d be lost without me wouldn’t you?” he asks, one hand back on your hip while the other guides your legs around his waist. You whine, nodding frantically, unable to form any words that aren’t his name.

“Pretty girl”

“Fucking perfect.”

“Such a needy little thing.”

“All for me.”

All you can do is desperately pull him closer, your cunt clenching around him with every slow drag of his cock pulling out and driving back into you. He pulls you into a dizzying kiss, his hands shifting between the two of you until his thumb meets your clit and you jolt against him with a sob.

“You’re already so close aren’t you?” he hums, pressing so deep you swear you can feel his cock in your stomach, as his thumb rubs quick tight circles around your clit.

Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please

“Go on sweet girl, come for me”

It takes barely a minute for you to fall apart all over again, tight cunt spasming around him as he continues fucking you through your second orgasm of the night. Through the haze, you can hear yourself chanting his name, grasping desperately at his shoulders while continues driving cock relentlessly into you.

You can’t even agree with him before you feel him reach his own release. You can feel every pulse and twitch of his cock, like a heartbeat as he spills himself inside of you, making a sound somewhere between a grunt and a whimper as he shakily rides out his orgasm.

“Fuck– you’re so fucking perfect, never gonna let you go.” he babbles, sucking more bruises into your skin as his hips stutter, “ ‘m gonna keep you all to myself, baby.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.” He whispers as he collapses against you, cock still twitching inside your aching cunt. He repeats the apology quietly against your neck, and in your post-orgasm fog, you can’t tell if he’s asking himself or you for forgiveness.

But you offer it nonetheless, fingers carding through his hair as you whisper back, “It’s okay, Calvin, it’s okay.”

He shakes his head but doesn’t say a word as you pull him up into a kiss, distantly you realize he’s crying and you wipe the tears gently with the pads of your thumb as he hums into the kiss.

The two of you lay there for a while, his cum leaking from your cunt even with his cock still pressed inside of you, just holding one another as you both come down from your highs.

He presses a kiss to your forehead as he pulls out, hissing softly when your cunt flutters around him as if trying to beckon him back into the tight wet heat. You whimper, feeling him brush against your clit as he pulls off of you.

“I’ll be right back baby,” he whispers, pressing a line of soft kisses down your body before standing slowly, kicking his pants off completely so he can shuffle off to the bathroom for a washcloth.

You don’t move an inch until he comes back, and you offer him a little smile which he timidly returns, brows furrowed slightly as he takes in the sight of you laid out on the bed, covered in bruises, thighs already sticky with his cum.

He’ll never let you go now, a broken voice echoes in your head, it doesn’t even sound like your own voice anymore but you can’t bring yourself to think about it too hard as Calvin gently cleans you up.

You thank him quietly as he helps you undress, tossing your clothes off to a random corner of the room and helping you stand up for a moment so he can quickly strip the top blanket off the bed tossing it along with your clothes to wash later.

You lean against him, legs trembling far too much for you to stand fully on your own, and let him help you back into bed watching him as he cleans himself up before joining you in bed. He’s oddly quiet as he pulls you into his arms but you decide he’s just as dazed as you are.

“I love you, Calvin,” you mumble, curling up against him and pressing your face into his neck.

It takes him a moment to stutter out a response, words dying in his throat at first, “I love you too, baby”

“Promise you’ll always love me?” you smile, pressing a kiss to his neck.

You can hear Calvin’s breath stutter as he answers, “I Promise.” you hum, pleased with his answer as you nuzzle into his neck, finally closing your eyes and letting your mind drift into a dreamless sleep.

Calvin woke long before you the next morning, he had hardly slept, how could he after doing what he had done to you? Never again, he told himself as he carefully moved you off of his body, stilling each time you stirred in your sleep until he was sure you would not wake.

“I promise I’ll never stop loving you.”

-----------

I’ll never hurt you like that ever again, he watched the rise and fall of your chest, tracing over the bruises decorating your skin like constellations. You seemed so at peace despite what he had put you through the night before. You had no idea that he had even done anything wrong. You were hopelessly devoted to him.

He was your salvation.

He reached out, brushing his knuckles over your cheeks. You mumbled sleepily, turning to your side, tugging the blanket tighter around yourself. I’ll make things right, he promised you, silently making his way out of the room, patting Scotty on the head as he passed.

Scotty’s tiny fluffy face looked up and despite being a dog, Calvin had the sneaking suspicion that Scotty was silently judging him for what he had done. You hurt her, Scotty tilted his head up at Calvin. I know, I know, I’ll fix it, Calvin sighed, watching as Scotty seemed to lose interest in him, padding off to the bedroom, where he would likely curl up at your feet.

At least Scotty would never hurt you, he shuffled into his office and froze in the doorway for a moment, staring at the typewriter still sitting on his desk. He curled his fists at his sides until his palms burned with little crescent-shaped imprints from his fingernails. Just fix it, dammit.

He moved closer, pulling his desk chair with him until he was standing in front of his desk, still staring at the typewriter as if it had personally wronged him. But it hadn’t, and he knew that. He knew that since the very moment he first started making changes to you.

Almost.

It had started small, just little adjustments. He had told himself that he was doing it all for you. That he was doing it to make you happy and that he would never try to change you beyond that. He had repeated that lie to himself under the dim lighting of the desk lamp while making his edits to your very being that he almost started to believe he was doing the right thing.

Any belief that he had before of being a good person was gone now. It had faded away the moment the two of you had started arguing the night before and whatever had been left disappeared completely as you desperately clung to him, crying out his name like it was a god damn prayer.

He should feel sick thinking about how you cried underneath him, begging him to make the pain stop. But it doesn’t. And he can’t even find the will to hate himself for pushing you till you were trembling, unable to think of anything but him.

Instead, he feels dizzy with power to the point that makes his head hurt. He sits and pulls his chair forward until his knees are tucked under the edge of his desk. His fingers ghost over the keys of his typewriter, I have to fix this. I should fix this and let her be free of me.

He repeats the words he knows he should be typing like a mantra, Calvin could no longer control or change (Y/N). (Y/N) was free of Calvin. Free to live her life safe and happy far away from him. He wills himself to move, to type, to just get it over with already so he can keep his promise to her. But his fingers don’t move, there is no clicking of the keys locking into place and there are no words written on the paper.

He exhales, reaching up to rub his eyes and brush his hands through his hair until he’s tugging at his scalp in punishment. Just fucking let her go. If you really loved her you would let her leave and you would have never tried to change her in the first place.

I do love her.

Then why can’t you let her go? Calvin huffs kicking his desk, slamming his fists down onto the surface. He stares at the paper, still blank, staring back at him in silent judgment. You promised. You promised you would fix everything.

“I know. I will. I’ll fix this.” he whispers bitterly to himself, pushing his glasses back up the bridge of his nose.

Liar.

He bites the inside of his cheek, placing his hands back over the keys of his typewriter. With a shaky inhale he begins to type, the sound of the keys clicking fills the room until it's all he can hear. But the words he types are not the ones he knows he should be reading as they form across the page.

Instead, he did what he did best. He told a story to make you believe that he was still a good person. To make you believe you still loved him. He spun pretty words into a tall tale about you had both come home the night before and had a civil discussion after the party. It was a lie of course, but you would never know that. It would be the truth to you, and that's all that mattered.

You would never know what he had done to you. You would simply remember coming home, arguing briefly, having a long discussion with Calvin that ended in sex after he apologized for being unreasonable and you apologized for making a scene at the party. He scrapped the bits of the fight that didn’t fit into the narrative he needed you to believe. You would never even know he had called you a slut or that you had threatened to leave. Because in your mind it had never happened.

He told himself as he typed feverishly that he’d make everything better and then he’d never try to rewrite you again. Even as he made it every possible chance to make sure you would remain his perfect girl, he kept repeating to himself that he was doing the right thing.

This is the last time, he promises himself as he pulls the paper from his typewriter, rereading the lies he had written. The lies that would become your truths. He decided it was best to let you believe the lies as he tucked the papers back into his desk, where they would never see the light of day.

I’ll let her go next time.

And he almost believes his lie when he spins around in his chair to find you standing in the doorway in nothing but his shirt.

“Calvin?” you mumbled, rubbing sleepily at your eyes, “What are you doing up?”

He freezes for a moment like he's been caught in the act. But he hasn’t been caught. He knows he hasn’t the moment you give him a sleepy little smile and pad over to him to curl into his lap.

He just laughs and holds you close, “I’m sorry baby, should I have Scotty arrested for such horrible crimes?”

“I just had to take Scotty out a little bit ago and I had this idea I wanted to get down before I forgot.” he pauses, to comb his fingers through your hair, smiling at the way you lean into his touch, “I didn’t wake you did I?”

You shake your head, pressing your face into his neck, “I woke up because Scotty was licking my feet.” you admit giggling when you both hear Scotty come scampering into the office. He should hate himself for how easy it is to lie to you and pretend everything was normal. But he doesn’t hate himself, he doesn’t even try.

You giggle and shake your head, pulling away just enough that you can look at him, “Did you manage to get the idea down?”

He shakes his head, “Nope, I’ve been sitting here for a while trying to remember the idea.” He doesn’t even need to think about it anymore when he’s lying to you.

You hum, moving to rest your hands on his chest, “You know I hear spending a day in bed helps with brainstorming.”

Calvin snorts, raising a brow at you, “Oh really? Where’d you hear that?”

You shrug, a cheeky grin already forming on your lips “Can’t remember.”

He chuckles, pressing a kiss to your cheek, “Any more advice you got for me, baby?”

You hum in approval at the pet name, turning to catch his lips in a quick kiss before he can pull away, “ Yea I heard it's especially helpful for writers to spend a day in bed with their super cute girlfriend.” He laughs, pressing another kiss to your lips, and then along your jaw.

“That sounds like good advice to me,” he mumbles, before nipping at the underside of your jaw, grinning when you let out an airy sigh.

“I know right, whoever came up with it is a total genius.” He nips at your neck, this time a little harder and you laugh between a gasp.

“Cal comes on at least take me to bed first, we gotta figure out if my advice actually works” You shove playfully at his chest until he pulls away from your neck with his glasses sitting at an odd angle. You shuffle off of his lap and he follows quickly, rolling his eyes at the smug look you give him.

I did the right thing, he decides as he lunges forward, throwing you over his shoulder and grinning when you squeal in surprise and slap playfully at his back.

Besides, who were you without Calvin?

#calvin weir fields #ruby sparks #calvin weir fields x reader #calvin weir fields x you #this ones dedicated to danonation #justcallmeangel fic tag #nsft fic #minors dni #fanfic #danonation

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