#arthur literally skipping he’s so in love with her and i don’t blame him

[cartooness]

Mystery March Day 10: Mistake (Her Name?)

Alright my dudes: I know. Tis I, Cartooness, posting a ficlet of sorts. Which I never do lmao.

BUT!

I had ideas OWOWOWOWOWOW

Warning this portrays Mystery in a negative light so if that’s not ya jam, go ahead and skip.

**I START HERE, I’M USING THE READ MORE FOR A DIFFERENT TIME >:3**

SO @nemesis-is-my-middle-name and I were chatting and this is what came out of it XD

In my AU (that’s where my Lavender Grey character comes from lol), since I first made it I thought “omg what if Mystery was like. ‘Afraid’ or just weary of her because of how powerful she is” but now that The Future is out, I’m all “holy fucking shit what if Mystery is almost *jealous* of her because the gang doesn’t want him around her”. They say it’s for her sake (but it’s also for their sake) because they don’t want her to be scared.

He’s both [weary and jealous of Lavender], he’s all “okay. This girl comes LITERALLY out of nowhere and I’m glad they’re giving her a place to stay, she is a child. But this is a very powerful child, one that overwhelmingly outranks me in that field. Why aren’t they afraid of her? Why is it ME that they’re keeping her away from?” 

I guess he knows what he’s done in the past was shitty, but he doesn’t know why this random ass kid owns their heart now when he’s the one who was there first. Ya know, like an asshole.

I wanna say that he makes her cry because he just lets all the negativity loose and he’s caught mid rant by ARTHUR.

So. Mystery has basically been fending for himself for a little while, no big deal. Except he can't stop thinking about that damned girl. What has she done for them? How has she won them all over so easily? Only Lewis was the type to be soft for children, but Arthur? VIVI? Being parental figures? The world has gone mad.

He saw them time to time in that mansion of Lewis's, and they all looked so happy without him. Vivi hadn't seemed to be going on missions anymore, which was beyond shocking. Why not, that child is so powerful any threats would back off if they had a single brain cell.

Not to mention Shiromori was now on the girl's side; he spotted her occasionally checking up on her and putting small blooms in her hair, typically while she slept. It made the child look more innocent than she actually was in his eyes. He remembered when he was the one getting flower gifts and such when Shiromori was on his side. And with a protector like her, the child was practically untouchable.

Mystery flirted with the idea of that girl getting hurt and them coming back to him for help. But he didn't let himself ponder too long, that would be cruel. But he couldn't help but think about it.

What *would* happen if harm came her way?

Would they mourn her if such a fate could happen?

Would they come crying back to him?

Or would they blame him for a tragedy he didn't cause. They just *loved* to blame him.

...

He couldn't stop himself anymore. He trotted his way to that stupid little happy home and sniffed out what room belonged to the girl, the unmistakable scent of raw power and flowers filling the air. He peered into her window, in his dog form, and lo and behold she was there. He yanked the window open and sat on her bed, not caring about getting that sickeningly "cute" comforter dirty with his mud covered paws.

"Oh! It's you, Mystery. Can... I help you?" She was a bit puzzled as to what he needed her for, she thought he was fine being on his own.

Actually my dear, you can.

"Oh?-"

Get out of their lives. You don't deserve anything they've given you.

Her pupils shrunk, taken aback from his remark. "Did I do something wrong? I don't-"

Don't play stupid with me, girl. You are the reason I'm not allowed to be with them anymore, that I've been scorned to never return. You just barged your way into their lives, into MY life and took everything I've worked so hard for away. They're so worried about their 'little princess' that they don’t realize how damn DANGEROUS you are!

Don't they feel that power you possess? Aren't they afraid of you? 

She looked like he ripped her gut out, her eyes welling with tears, irises ever so slightly tinting blue with sadness.

Don't you DARE cry, he growled, you won't get a drop of pity out of me.

"Mystery”, she started, sniffling as she tried to speak, “please tell me-" 

I'M ALREADY TELLING YOU, YOU IDIOT! HOW STUPID CAN YOU BE? YOU RUINED EVERYTHING FOR ME AND YOU’RE ACTING LIKE YOU DESERVE THIS LOVING LITTLE FAMILY? WELL YOU DON'T. *I'M* THE ONE WHO PROTECTED THEM, *I'M* THE ONE WHO KEPT THEM OUT OF HARM'S WAY, THEN YOU SHOW UP AND RIP IT ALL AWAY!!

WHAT ARE YOUR INTENTIONS? WHY DO YOU ACT LIKE YOU'RE HARMLESS? NOBODY WITH POWERS LIKE YOURS STAY IDLE. WHERE DID YOU EVEN COME FROM?! I KNOW YOU'RE NOT HUMAN, SO DON'T TRY AND LIE TO ME. YOU THINK YOU'RE *SO* SPECIAL DON'T YOU?

She was sobbing now, eyes visibly baby blue and tears running down her face.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, SHUT UP WITH ALL THAT CRYING AND-

"Mystery if you don't leave right now I SWEAR I will chop every God forsaken tail of yours off."

Shit.

A-Arthur I-

"Why the fuck are you here? What made you think you were welcome?" His fatherly instinct had kicked in as soon he heard noise from his child’s room and ran over in an instant.

"Lav, baby, go to the bathroom” he started with a kiss to her nose, “so you can go wash your face. I have some business to finish", directing his gaze towards the intruder.

I'm here to open your eyes, Arthur. What has she accomplished while I was gone? What’s been going on with you... five? It seems her army grows every day.

"That is PATHETIC, Mystery."

What is? I'm just stating-

"I don't give a shit about your opinion, you broke into a child's room and you're YELLING AT HER because what, you're fucking....”

He pondered why Mystery was here spreading grief. They did tell him to piss off so that Lav wouldn’t be in danger, and honestly they didn’t need to be so stressed with him in the house all the time either. It’s not a good idea to welcome back a recently possessed kitsune into their home when they were all recovering from the trauma he inflicted. Old and new...

New... is he... 

“Are you,,, jealous of her?" he asked, tone on the verge of shock.

Good lord, this boy.

Arthur, I am here because I care and I worry about you, Lewis, and Vivi. And it concerns me that you've thrown all my help away for some MUTT that doesn't belong-

"GET THE FUCK OUT!" Arthur shouted, trembling and trying not to scream so he wouldn’t scare Lav a few doors down. 

I will NOT, I'm not done yet-

"YES YOU FUCKING ARE.” 

The look of pain and anger was so clear on his face, and Mystery shut his mouth instantly.

"YOU *ARE* DONE BECAUSE YOU JUST RUINED THE VERY MINISCULE CHANCE WE WERE GOING TO GIVE YOU TO PROPERLY MEET HER. YOU’VE MADE ONE TOO MANY MISTAKES."

His voice was cracking, he wasn’t the type to do all... this. Just how much had this girl influenced them?

Arthur, please-

As if on cue, Lavender returned from the bathroom. "Mr. Arthur, am I in trouble?” She asked, big brown eyes looking up at him. “Mystery kept telling me that I did something wrong by being here and it didn't make sense to me."

"What exactly did he tell you, love?" he asked, eyebrows slightly softening just for her.

Oh FUCK. ((A/N: YEAH U DONE FUCKED UP YOU ASS))

She looked almost scared to answer; she was aware the kitsune could be merciless, and didn’t want to be attacked in the mansion Lewis had worked so hard on. Mystery was so angry at her and she didn’t understand why. 

"Well... he told me that I ruined his life because I guess I took his place or something. He said I'm dangerous because I'm more powerful than him, and.. he said mean things about me in general.”

Arthur’s metal hand flew up, ready to attack. 

“Mr. Arthur! W-what are you doing?-"

And Arthur hit Mystery as hard as he could.

There was an excruciating scream of pain, one that caused Lewis and Vivi to abandon the groceries they were bringing in to see all the commotion.

ARTHUR, YOU BASTARD! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?!

"YOU MADE MY CHILD CRY BECAUSE YOU HAD YOUR PETTY FEELINGS HURT? FOR SOMETHING SHE NEVER DID? YOU HAD THE GOD DAMN *BALLS* TO BREAK IN, YELL INSULTS AT A KID, MAKE HER CRY, AND THINK THAT YOU WERE IN THE RIGHT?"

Lewis rushed over, trying to calm his boyfriend down. "Arthur, mi amor, what- MYSTERY?! How did HE get here?!”

S h i t.

Vivi felt her heart drop to her feet at the mention of her ‘dog’s’ name. "WHAT IS HE DOING HERE? I THOUGHT WE KICKED HIM OUT!" she exclaimed, her stomach filling with dread.

Lewis, Vivi, if you just let me EXPLAIN-

Arthur almost made a hole in the wall with the pound of his fist. "So this little FUCKER broke into Lav's room to yell at her because she lives with us and he wasn't invited. I come over to see who's in her room yelling at her, and she's crying uncontrollably while he keeps going at her, spewing a bunch of BULLSHIT, and he thinks he can explain himself and why he's in the right."

"....what?" said Lewis and Vivi, shocked by Mystery's audacity.

Lav started to cry again, thinking she would be punished for this, and Lewis quickly pulled her into his embrace. "Mi florecita preciosa, you did nothing wrong-"

REALLY LEWIS? Mystery growled, feeling patronized, especially as Lewis tightened his grip. SHE'S NOT A BABY-

"Shut your snout right now", snapped Vivi. "Get the fuck out of our house and you BETTER not come back. You have ONE chance to apologize to her and that's it."

Can I come back if I do?

"YOU DON'T DESERVE TO COME BACK" growled Arthur, his flesh hand placed gently on Lav's head and his metal one pointing at Mystery, Lewis glaring so hard it could kill.

Nobody was on his side, and the look on the girl’s face almost made him feel bad. 

Almost.

Very well then. I'll be on my way and hope that your ignorance won’t become your downfall.

"Hey Mystery, one more thing", Lewis started. "If you ever come back with bad intentions, we will kill you ourselves. I swear on anything and everything that you will not come here with a DROP of malice towards her. Do I make myself clear? And don’t you dare try and act smart, we are giving you a LOT of mercy when you don't deserve it."

...then I bid farewell. What is her name?

"My name is Lavender Grey."

Thank you. Goodbye, Miss Lavender Grey.

[rons-hermiones]

Come Find Me

Come Find Me

by rons-hermiones

Summary: Unplanned, Hermione is forced to spend Christmas at the Burrow due to her grandmother falling very ill. After being ignored by Hermione for weeks, Ron is determined to show her how much she means to him. Just before he gets the chance to tell her, Bellatrix Lestrange shows up with other plans for Hermione. Can Ron get to her before it's too late? (Ron/Hermione Half-Blood Prince AU)

Rating: M for language & dark themes in later chapters.

Chapter Thirteen

With unsure nods, the pair vacated the kitchen and back into the living room. There was a mix of weeping family members and those out doing something. Searching the area, thinking of where Hermione could’ve gone. 

Ron soon decides he’s done being in the mourning category. He needs to remain strong and vigilant, for no one else but Hermione. 

“Someone needs to get Dumbledore here.” Ron’s shaky voice says, commanding all eyes to him. 

“Albus?” Arthur asks curiously, his eyes a little glassed over as he rubs Molly’s back. 

The youngest Weasley brother nods, “You-Know-Who he wanted,” he inhaled, trying to keep his voice leveled, “he wanted Hermione.”

Eyes widened in shock. Bill’s mouth hangs open as Lupin furiously paces the room, tapping at his temple. 

“What would that bastard want with Hermione?” George grumbles lowly, but it’s loud enough for everyone to hear.

“We don’t know,” Harry finally spoke, “that’s why we need Dumbledore. Now.” His tone left no room for argument. 

“I’ll do it.” Lupin tells the group, stalking off to the kitchen. 

Everyone was rather astounded by the proclamation, they were expecting Remus to push Ron or Harry to divulge what happened.

“I got it.” Tonks announced, suddenly appearing from the back door. 

Everyone whirled around to face her, “her wand, I have it. It’s Hermione, isn’t it?” The woman’s voice became softer. 

Ron stepped forward and gently took it from Tonks hand. 

‘Not so brave without our wand, are we muddy?’ 

He shivers as the cold wood caresses his hand. 

“She hasn’t got a wand,” Ginny moaned behind the veil of hair she had been hiding behind, “she’ll die.” 

“Oi Ginny!” Ron said angrily, no one had ever seen him this mad before, his sister flinched. 

“Don’t you say things like that.” Molly told her daughter, hugging her to her chest. 

They were all interrupted by a soft rapping on a nearby window. 

“Dumbledore already?” Charlie said aloud. 

Instinctively, Ron pocketed Hermione’s vine wood wand and drew his own. Arthur lurched to the window, ready to strike, when he stopped. 

Breathing a sigh of relief he turned, “it’s your owl Harry.” 

“Hedwig?” He asked suspiciously as he stalked toward the bird. 

Tied to her leg was a rolled up piece of parchment. Giving her a nice pet first, he soon untied the contents and noticed it was addressed to Hermione. 

“Who is it?” Bill asked. 

He sucked in a breath, “it’s for Hermione, it’s from her parents.” His voice dropped at this. 

Molly suddenly let out a small cry, completely forgetting that her own parents were to be told that their child, their only child, was gone. 

“What’s it say?” Fred piped up from his spot on the arm chair. 

Harry’s eyes fell on Ron’s, “I’m not sure if it’s my place to open it.” 

Wordlessly, he passed the envelope over to Ron, whose mouth was agape at being trusted with such a thing. 

Ignoring the gazes from his family, he peeled open the thing and let his eyes fix on the page. He skimmed every other line as certain sentences stuck out. 

Merry Christmas! 

We’ll send your gifts as soon as we’re home. 

I hope you’re being kind to the Weasley’s. 

We’re sorry to tell you this way, please don’t be too upset.

Grandma Jean passed last night, on Christmas Eve. 

It was peaceful. 

She thought of your grandpa. 

She thought of you. 

Don’t disappear on the Weasley’s. 

Stay where you are. 

We’re fine. 

You have Ron and Harry. 

We love you. 

See you soon. 

He let the parchment flutter to the ground. He hadn’t had it in him to read the entirety of it, but what he read was enough. 

The phrases like ‘don’t disappear’, ‘stay where you are’, and ‘see you soon’ reverberated around in his head. 

“Ronnie, what is it?” Bill probed gently from his spot next to Fleur. 

He swallowed the bile in his throat, “her grandmother, she passed. She’s gone.” A few gasps filled the room, “their daughter, she’s, she’s gone too. How are we gonna tell them? How am I gonna tell them? It’s all my fault.” 

Despite not knowing what entailed, no one, besides Ron himself, blamed him for what happened. 

“Ron,” his mother swiftly budged in, ready to console her son. 

However, he was having none of it, he didn’t deserve it, “her parents they don’t know about any of this.” 

Late at night in fifth year, he found Hermione in the common room. She was working mercilessly over a piece of parchment as tears pooled on the pages. When he asked what was wrong, she finally let it out and admitted she’d been living a lie. Telling her parents Hogwarts was lovely and the only thing on her mind were exams. No dark lord, no death eaters. 

For a brief moment, he wondered if Harry knew too. 

“Not about You-Know-Who, not about Cedric, the department of mysteries, not even about prejudices against Muggleborns.” He admitted to everyone in the room. 

And by the look on Harry’s face, this was news to him. 

“Did you know?” Ginny dared to ask Harry. 

At this, the chosen one shook his head. Suddenly feeling guilty, Harry had been wallowing so much in his own problems he failed to be there for Hermione, who was fiercely loyal to him. 

“Why would she lie about that?” Fleur butted in, not judgmental, but just trying to understand. 

“She was scared they’d take her out of Hogwarts.” He told everyone, Tonks nods  in understanding, her dad being a Muggle. 

“Because of me.” Harry said without missing a beat. 

“No,” Ron protested. 

“Yes, she wouldn’t be in this position if it weren’t for me. She wouldn’t be gone, she wouldn’t be lying to her parents.” He stated, sure that was the case. 

“You’d also be dead without her.” His best friend stated with conviction. Ron was already lost in self wallowing, the last thing he needed was for Harry to drown in it too. “We both would be.” He couldn’t help but add, despite the situation being so close to home. 

“Ronnie,” Fred’s voice, sounding the most gentle he’s ever heard, broke through the air, “can you tell us what happened? Please.” He pleaded. After all, everyone here cared for Hermione too. 

A few times Ron opened and closed his mouth, not really knowing what to say. After fumbling like a fish for two minutes, he settled for something, “I’m not-“ I’m not strong enough. 

But, the words never came, a crack sounded outside, and for a sickening moment he imagined Bellatrix Lestrange to waltz through the door. 

Instead, he was meant by his fathers shouts, “it’s Dumbledore!” He exclaimed, opening the back door. 

In a moment's notice the Headmaster's looming six foot frame is towering in his doorway and at the sight, Ron knows somewhere within him he has to manage to be strong enough. 

“Albus.” Molly said, relieved at the sight of him, “we’re sorry to do this to you on Christmas and all.” She stood wiping at her eyes. 

The old man didn’t have the heart to tell everyone here that Christmas had long gone, it was nearing two in the morning. 

“Of course Molly. I’ve had Remus go collect Alastor and Kingsley. Nymphadora, do you mind getting Minerva for me?” He asked kindly, annoyingly calm if you ask Ron. 

Dumbledore, being one of the only people to get away with calling her that, Tonks just nodded to him as she stalked out to the backyard. 

Ron gulps, it’s just now hitting him how serious this all is. The Albus Dumbledore, the most powerful Wizard living, someone with their own bloody chocolate frog card is in his living room. But there’s no time to marvel at it or even feel shocked, because he knows why he’s here. 

He’s here because Hermione’s gone. 

Next, the white haired man found a spot on the sofa and surprisingly plopped down. “Now, I need to know everything if I am to help.” 

Ron’s still reeling from telling Harry and because of the owl from Hermione’s parents. And by the looks of it, Harry’s feeling the same as he stands stock still and paler than usual. 

Thankfully, Bill notices the boys expression and takes over as much as he can, “it all started we were all in here, opening gifts, and then,” 

“I was in the garden, we-,” he swallows the lump in his throat, “we were in the garden.” Ron almost whispers. 

A little awkwardly, unsure what to say, Bill just nods and goes on, “we were opening gifts and we heard a crack, apparition.” Dumbledore nods at this. 

“Two cracks.” Charlie interrupts, earning a slanted look from Bill. 

Doing his best to not get frustrated by the multitude of people butting in, he ignores it. “So we went outside. We heard her first...” he trailed, not wanting to say it. 

“It is crucial you tell me everything that happened, everything that was said.” Dumbledore reminded at his uncertainty. 

“Bellatrix,” Harry’s shaky voice said, “she was saying how she killed Sirius.” 

Everyone, Bill included, waits for Harry to continue the story on, but instead the dark haired boy offers the eldest Weasley a nod. 

“Greyback was with her too.” Bill added, “She didn’t say much honestly, nothing out of the ordinary. Recognized the lot of us, Tonks, Lupin, Harry, called us blood traitors, remembered Hermione from the ministry.” At the mention of her name the room tensed, “then she casted incendio around the Burrow and skipped away, literally.” 

Neither Ron or Harry made a move to fill in the gaps. 

Bill sighed, “Harry, he ran after her, Hermione followed, so did Ronnie. By the time they were all gone, the fire, it blocked the path.” 

At the admission, the chosen one's eyes bulged, “it’s all my fault. She ran after me.”

“Harry,” Ron tried weakly. 

Sensing the lack of energy, Fred surprisingly jumped in, “if one of you went all three one of you would’ve. You know that just as well as I do.”

“Mr.Weasley is correct, now I know this may be difficult but I’m going to need one of you to please tell me what occurred. This is the only way I’m able to help your friend.” The old man eyed Ron and Harry who had found themselves standing side by side against the window. 

“I can’t say much, I was running before I stunned Greyback. Hermione and Ron were with them longer.” Harry was able to speak, mustering any courage he had left. 

Ron stared blankly at his headmaster. 

“Ron.” His mother said gently, “please.” She sounded like she was crying. 

Sucking in a shaky breath, he hoped to some higher power this would be the last time he ever told this story. He knew he would be reliving it for the rest of his nights,  whenever he fell asleep. 

“I didn’t hear Bellatrix say much, not the first time at least,” this made the room shudder, “all I could see was her wand pressed to Hermione’s throat, Greyback was eying her like a meal, so I tried to disarm her.” His voice dropped, “it didn’t do anything, I couldn’t use any spells, I couldn’t hurt Hermione.” Ron’s eyes grew glassy, “then Harry came.” 

Seeing Ron needed a minute, the dark haired boy jumped in, “I stunned Greyback. He fell to the ground. It surprised Bellatrix, Hermione was able to get away. Next thing I knew, I was running.” His eyes flicked back to blue ones. 

“So were Hermione and I. She started going-going,” he’s stuttering, “going on about how Lestrange told her  that You-Know-Who, he’s been talking about her.” 

Small gasps filled the room, even Dumbledore’s eyes grew wide, “about Miss Granger?” 

Ron nodded stiffly, “she was certain they wouldn’t kill her, said they needed her for-for something. Bellatrix, she said she wasn’t here for Harry.” 

It was Harry’s turn for answers. His eyes pleaded with Dumbledore for any piece of wisdom, practically begging to know what game they were playing at. However, for once, the old man didn’t seem to know any answers now, they laid with Ron. 

The youngest Weasley brother sensed his responsibility and thought of Hermione, using her to be strong. 

“We stopped by the old oak tree to catch our breaths, we knew we had to go after Harry, but before we could we heard the two of them. She thought we were Harry, when she said as much, Greyback asked why it had mattered, they were on strict orders not to kill him.” 

“Why?” Harry’s voice broke, he needed to know. Bellatrix had ample opportunities to end it but she hadn’t. 

Dumbledore shook his head, “I can’t say for certain Harry. It sounds as if Voldemort,” the Weasley family shivered at the name, “wants you for himself. Tom has always been one for theatrics, anything for an act of defiance. What I can’t understand is why they didn’t attempt to apparate you.” He voiced aloud. 

Slowly, the Boy-Who-Lived nodded in acknowledgment, but certainly not in understanding. 

“What happened next Ron?” The man asked softly. 

He cleared his throat nervously, “Bellatrix, she said if she found me, that she’d-she’d kill me.” Nearby, Molly moaned in pain, falling into Ginny, “that I was just another blood traitor. But for Hermione, she said-” he shut his eyes tightly, “said she’d be a perfect gift for him.” 

They all knew who ‘he’ was. Fleur was trembling as the story continued, Ginny had the urge to clamp her hands over her ears, Charlie was fully engaged, and the twins nervously eyed the floor. 

“Said she was the brilliant one and all that, that she must know something and they’d get it out of her.” He released a breath, “Merlin, she’s so stupid, so stupid.” He began to cry. 

“Ron, you need to tell them. For her.” Harry reminded in an equally as broken whisper, clapping a hand on his shoulder to give him strength. 

“She knew they wanted to kill me and she knew they didn’t wanna kill her...” he trailed, wiping at his eyes. 

“No.” Fred said aloud, before he could help it, dropping his head in his hands, putting together what happened. 

“She casted the stunning spell on me and a disillusionment charm, there was a crack and she was gone.” Ron said it rushed, sloppily, unable to even get through it before collapsing against the wall. 

Molly stood up, sat down and embraced her son.  

“Did Bellatrix perform any spells or curses on Hermione?” Dumbledore asked the sobbing boy. 

“Albus.” Missus Weasley scolded. 

Ron shook his head numbly, “expelliarmus, that was it.” 

The old man paced around the room before directing his attention to Harry and Ron, the latter now calming in his mother’s embrace. 

“Did she know something?” He asked flustered. Harry’s never heard the professor sound so rushed, so panicked. It worried him to the core. 

Frantically, Potter shook his head, “I don't know, maybe, no? I don't know.” He’s panicking now too. 

The white haired man turns his attention to Ron, “she wouldn’t have to me anything, she wouldn’t.” It broke his heart even more, it’s just now hitting him that Hermione’s gone and he can’t remember the last thing he said to her. Just what he wanted to say. 

“Has she been fixated on anything? Talking, asking, reading?” He lists off, Harry hasn’t heard him use this tone since his name was pulled from the goblet of fire. 

The boys look at each other and think, but nothing comes up, they can’t even see straight. 

“That book.” Ginny states in a crisp voice, “she’s been reading the same book for weeks. Writing notes on it.” 

He rounded to the young girl, “what book?” 

Ginny shook her head unknowingly, “I don’t know. She puts it away whenever anyone comes around.” Her voice is uneven, but it’s evident she wants to help anyway she can. 

“The cover is black, there’s gold trim. There’s no title, very old looking.” Fleur speaks for the first time, recalling their time under the tree. 

“Do you know where it is?” He seemed determined to find it, Harry sensed realization in his eyes. 

Fleur shook her infadictly, Ginny shrugged, “her trunk?” She suggested. 

“Please take me there.” He said to no one in particular. 

Over his large frame, Ginny’s eyes found Harry’s, she nodded at him, signaling it was his duty. 

“Follow me.” Harry stood from the floor and rushed to the steps. 

Dumbledore’s robes flew behind him as the old man climbed the steps with fervor. When he reached Hermione’s trunk, he flung it open unceremoniously and ripped through its contents like a mad man. 

Harry had half the heart to scold him and be more gentle with her things. And he was just about to say as much, until the headmaster stopped moving. 

In his old, shaking hands, was that old thing that had been attached to Hermione for weeks. 

Harry had asked her about it a few times, she just said it was for ‘light reading’ and brushed him off. He chose not to mention it, reading was ordinary for her. 

Next, a brown journal was being pried open by Dumbledore. By the looks of it, the pages were spelled as he whispered a counter incantation to it as the witches neat scrawl filled the pages. 

“Hey, it’s just her diary! That’s private.” He scolded. 

And for the first time since they got up here, Dumbledore turned to him, eyes wide as saucers. 

“This is no diary Harry.”

[harryissuchalittleshit]

I'm curious about Dominique. Some head canons about her and Lorcan and Lysander. Like how did she end up pregnant with the wrong twin?

Okay, so you remember when I talked about the Album Verse?

Yeah well, the boy that gets her pregnant is Lysander, and the boy she loves is Lorcan. They are identical twin brothers.

So Dominiques birthday is the last day of the summer

She’s out on the beach, hanging out with Lorcan and Lysander

They’re getting drunk and having fun and Dominique wakes up and sees Lysander

She isn’t sure if she slept with him or not, but it doesn’t matter in that second because she can’t miss the train

Lysander is also trying to get over his breakup with his girlfriend Becca Havings (the reputation arch!!)

Skip ahead a few months and Dominique doesn’t know what’s wrong with her

She has a chat with a few of her cousins (Rose, Molly, and Lucy, all at separate times) and decides to sneak down to Hogsmeade and go to the apothecary

She isn’t sure what she’ll do, but then the pregnancy test is positive

She sees a Healer to confirm (Healer Ernie MacMillan and Junior Healer Hajari Nott)

The first person she wants to tell is Lorcan, but she can’t remember if it was him or Lysander from that night

It was Lysander

Lorcan isn’t at their shop when she stops by, but Lysander offers to pass on the message

But guess who remembers that night?? Lysander does

He pushes off the thought and hopes that Lorcan doesn’t remember that night

No dice

Dominique tries to keep her condition of secret, but it gets really hard over the Christmas holidays

The first family member she tells is Louis, because he keeps every secret no matter what

But then Dominique gets sick Christmas Day, and because of what happened with Roxanne the literal year before, she has to tell the family that she’s pregnant

At the same time, Lorcan writes Dominique and lets her know that he’s sorry for her, but he isn’t the father

And Dominique realizes that it was Lysander and she’s in a real mess now

But Lorcan offers to take the blame if it means that Lysander doesn’t get the wrath

(Because while Becca thinks that her reputation is in the garbage, it was Lysander and Dominique’s all along)

Dominique knows that she can’t raise this baby, so she starts meeting with various adoptive parents with Lorcan’s help, pushing them closer and closer

The problem is that Lorcan feels very conflicted about falling in love with the girl that is having his brother’s baby

And then the secret comes out, Lysander writes to James, who has no chill and writes to Becca

She comes after Dominique and the rumors spread faster than anyone could imagine

The worst thing is that people think Dominique planned it all, but the truth was all of her careful plans feel to shambles

She was always in love with Lorcan

She can’t take it anymore and leaves Hogwarts in the last few weeks of her pregnancy

She goes to live with Molly and Arthur because she just can’t stay with her parents and listen to them try and persuade her into keeping the baby, or with Lorcan and Lysander who aren’t on speaking terms with her

Then she has the baby

She can’t even look at him, let alone hold him

He doesn’t belong to her, he never did

Lorcan shows up first, Dominique had snuck out of the Burrow in the middle of the night and had her baby in the very early hours of the morning

They don’t talk, instead Lorcan just climbs into her bed with her and let’s her sob into his chest

He kisses her forehead, apologizes, and asks her to be his girlfriend

She accepts

(The Becca/Lysander resolution is in reputation)

Dominique forgives Lysander and Becca for what they put her through, and stops gossiping from then on

Skip to the epilogue and Dominique is seventeen and looking at photos of her son and his adoptive parents (who may or may not be someone we know!) and Lorcan walks in and kisses her and wishes her a happy birthday!!

[theroundbartable]

this is a rant. feel free to skip

I just wanted to say, how i actually marvel at how non toxic the Merlin fandom actually is.

I mean, sure we have our different ships, but we all respect each other. And we love all the characters.

Maybe the toxic people have already left, since the show has been concluded in 2012.

But like, if I compare it to other fandoms, we've basically become a part of Arthur's kingdom and decided to live in peace, while other fandoms tear each other apart.

Like, compare it to Spn, who are still discussing whether or not Destiel is canon and if the shows queerbaiting is ok or real or whatever man. And now moved on to shipping the actors, which I personally would absolutely refrain from. But maybe that's just me.

lately i've started watching sk8. and.... well, the first season isn't even complete yet. But according to the wikepedia article i read, the producers were active in no. 6 and there is one from banana fish as well? Anyway, the show is clearly gay coded. Even more so, I think they focus as much on the relationships between their characters as they did in yuri on ice. The relationships are GREAT. And I don't know, to make the ships canon they don't even have to cross a line. They're basically already together. But the chances are higher than in most shows that they'll be confirmed. anyway

people are already bashing how it's "queerbait" and how they can already see it be the next voltron and

.... holy shit please stop. Voltron's potential has been ruined be the producers promises.

Two characters where one has basically already admitted to loving the other is a completely different thing than a show who advertises a gay character and then decided to not choose the two obvious candidated with actual relationship dynamic and instead use the tortured ptsd character and kill of his love interest and show no actual reaction or background story.... at all.

And yes, i understand you're hatred for Adam.. But please, he's written as the enemy. His actions are SUPPOSED to be bad.

I personally really like his character, because now easy he is to antagonize. It's easy to see where he's toxic and where he's wrong. And it's also clear why they want to defeat him and all that. And how he's just an uncomfortable person to be around.

He is literally written as the bad guy. People are still allowed to like his character. Not his personality

There is a difference. I'd never want to meet him in real life. But the atmosphere he creates and the plot he carries are extremely interesting.

What i'm saying is, this show is already being corrupted by hate comments and it's so sad, because most of the show is really wholesome.

maybe it's just me. i really like the show. But I don't think it would be good for anyone to engage in a fandom that starts complaining about the entire romance stuff (which is part of the plot but not the main point), before the first season is even concluded. And without there being an actual sign that they'll be "just friends". Srsy, the way they're written i wouldn't even mind. if that is what "just friends" is, then honestly, i wouldn't WANT more.

(Adding a female romance interest after all this would just be bad writing, honestly.)

sorry. i'm just so used to people loving the characters and the way the story is written in Merlin (even though we all know how bad it is at times), that this kind of discussion seems unnecessary to me.

My own personal complaint about sk8 would be, where are the girls? i mean, there are some. But one is a mom (i saw someone calling her a milf. now who's the weird one). there is another mom, who i love very much with all her daughters. Reki's mom is awesome) One is a robot and the other is a red haired woman without yet explained history as the antagonist to adam.

where are the female skaters? There could be really badass ones. or skilled but shy ones, but there aren't any. at least none i've seen actually do anything. Let alone lgbtq ones. haven't seen anyone complain about that.

there is more i have to say about this, but i'll stop here. Because I don't think that's what the story is about. And i can live with that. As it's a personal choice of the author.

Anyway, i think we should all appreciate stories more. The story for what the story is.

It's gotten lost over time. Stories are mostly character driven nowadays, as we've all become more self aware. But i wish, we could at least enjoy plots again, without making everything about canon ships that HAVE to be confirmed by kissing.

i'm glad to see a show where not everything's about THAT. A show that treats it's characters and it's plot with respect. No matter what kind. I'm just glad they're not blaming actors again, as they did in voltron. (which is probably only because there are none.)

[rubysunnday]

Idiots part 2

A/N: Less of a part 2 and more of a: “I wanted to write a wedding with Anna and Finn”

Finn and Anna had finally announced their engagement to the entire family. It’d only taken them two months after they’d actually gotten engaged to tell anyone (other than you) but no one needed to know that.

They’d set the day for a year after Anna had first met the family. Organising the entire affair was stressful and tedious, especially for you as Anna had made you maid of honour.

You’d helped her choose a dress, flowers, a venue, the music - everything. She’d chosen your dress for you - a beautiful blue lace dress which matched the flowers - and had insisted on John doing the girls hair.

Now, the night before the actual wedding, the two of you were hiding in her hotel, drinking champagne and talking.

Well. Gossiping.

“You and Isaiah,” Anna said as she topped up your champagne glass, “what is going on?”

You shrugged. “Fuck knows.”

“Is he still -“

“Chasing after me despite cheating on me? Yes, yes he is. And the worst thing? I still love him.”

Anna smiled sadly at you. “He still loves you.”

“I know. But can I ever forgive him?” You sighed, taking a long drink. “God knows, but I’ve not told anyone except Finn about the whole, cheating fiasco. They just think we had an argument and broke up.”

“Judging from what Finn did to him, I can see why you’ve yet to tell them.”

“But, I promise you, that our little ‘scuffle’ isn’t going to ruin your wedding day,” You said, pouring yourself some more champagne.

“Even if it does, it’ll just be a normal Shelby wedding,” Anna pointed out and you laughed.

The ceremony of the wedding went off without a hitch. Once you’d reached the end of the aisle, you’d sat as far away from Isaiah as possible, squeezing yourself between Michael and Tommy. The photos went fine. Everything went fine.

Until the reception.

“You can’t keep ignoring me,” Isiah said, cornering you in the kitchen of Tommy’s house as you frantically tried to organise everything.

“I can, because we’re not doing this now,” You snapped, checking the food was actually going to be ready on time.

“I’ve said I’m sorry,” Isaiah said, grabbing your wrist and forcing you to look at him.

“Doesn’t change what happened,” you replied, snatching your wrist out of his hand.

“Y/N, love, come on -“

You shoved Isaiah against the wall, glaring at him. “We are not doing this on my brothers wedding day, Isaiah. I’m not ruining this for him.”

Without another word you quickly disappeared out of the kitchen, pretending to find literally anything else to do.

For some reason, Finn had decided that you were going to say a speech at the wedding. Not a best man speech (that was Arthur’s job) but a twin sister speech. Apparently.

“You don’t have to talk about love,” Finn had said the night he’d asked you. “I know it’s hard, right now.”

You smiled sadly at him. “I’ll get over it, Finn. So, how good do you want me to make you appear?”

As Tommy tapped his glass for silence, gesturing to you to stand up and begin your speech, Finn gave you a reassuring nod from the other end of the table.

You exhaled slowly, calming yourself down as all eyes turned to you. “Shelby’s, Alfie and other people Finn and Anna happen to know. Thank you, for coming tonight. It’s been a year of stress and hopefully, it’s all paid off.” A laugh went up and you instantly relaxed into it. “Finn asked me to make a speech, presumably because he thought Arthur was going to make fun of him and wanted someone who would make him look good.”

“I thought I was rather nice,” Arthur said loudly and everyone laughed. 

You chuckled quietly. “It took me a surprisingly short amount of time to write this speech, surprising because I thought it would be hard to be nice about Finn. However, it is incredibly easy when I look at how much he has done for me over our lifetime. Despite being twelve minutes older than him, something he refuses to accept, he has been the definition of a big brother to me. I never thought Finn would ever settle down with someone, least of all someone as nice and wonderful as Anna. The moment I met Anna, three months before all of you lot, may I add -“

“And thank fuck for that,” Finn muttered.

“- I knew she was something special. The way you and Finn look at each other is something written in a romance novel. The two of you are soulmates and together you make the world appear alright. Love is never kind; love is confusion and pain and abandonment. It’s every single nightmare your mind has been plagued by.” You found yourself looking at Isaiah as you spoke. He was staring back at you, a sad, loving look in his eyes. “And, yes, it can unmake you in ways you never thought were possible, but love - it will remind you what it’s like to be human. It’s what makes us human.”  Suddenly, you felt something fall down your face and realised you were crying. Isaiah smiled at you, his eyes glistening.

“Fuck’s sake, y/n,” John muttered and you looked away from Isaiah to realise that nearly everyone in the room was crying. 

“Sorry,” you said, blushing slightly. “If you can all pause your emotions for a moment and join me in raising a glass.” There was a scraping of chairs as everyone stood up, raising their glasses. “To Finn and Anna, may their love and union show the world what it needs to be.”

Whilst everyone was cheering, you quickly snuck out of the room, disappearing outside. You burst out into the cold air and leant against the wall of the house, panting as you tried not to sob. 

“Why?” You whispered, turning to face the wall and kicking it. “Why, why, why.”

“Is that wall meant to be my face?”

You paused your kicking, leaning your head on the wall. “Isaiah. Of course.”

Isaiah chuckled. “I can’t help but think that speech was aimed at me.”

You sighed, turning to face him. “I said I wasn’t going to do this at Finn’s wedding.”

“And Finn gave me a look that practically ordered me to come out here. He also spoke to me, this morning.”

“What? Telling you to fuck off?”

“Telling me to sort things out with you,” Isaiah said, stepping forward. “I know what I did was wrong.”

“It wasn’t entirely your fault, Is,” You admitted, “being high and drunk does tend to lower one’s boundaries and memories.”

“Blame Finn and John.”

“Trust me, I do,” you chuckled. You looked at him. How perfect he looked in his suit. How perfect he looked any day. “Is, I…”

“I know, y/n,” Isaiah said, nodding. “I’ve had a lot of time to think since the incident.” He sighed. “I got shot, two months ago, down in London with Tommy. I genuinely thought I might die, but all I could think about was how I never got to marry you. How I never got to tell you one more time just how much I love you.” You couldn’t help the gasp that escaped you as he knelt down on one knee, pulling a ring out of his pocket. “I know now probably isn’t the perfect time, but Finn kinda made me.”

“Of course he did,” you said through your tears. “Always has to be fucking involved.”

Isaiah chuckled. “So, despite the rocky road and the shit world around us and the fact that we could die any day: y/n Shelby, will you marry me?”

You nodded furiously, not given Isaiah a chance to stand up before you’d bowled him over onto the driveway in a hug. 

“I’m assuming this is a yes,” Isaiah asked as he hugged you back. 

“I nodded, so, yes.”  You reluctantly stood back up, allowing Isaiah to dust your dress down and actually put the ring on your finger. “I give Finn ten minutes before he spoils it.”

“Twenty,” Isaiah replied, linking arms with you as you walked back into the house. 

You let Isaiah walk into the ballroom first, waiting a bit before you walked in, not wanting it to be suspicious. You weaved your way through the crowd of people, spotting Anna and Finn chatting to Polly and Tommy. Finn caught sight of you, took one look at your beaming face and looked down at your hand. His eyes lit up and he nearly dropped the glass he was holding, Anna, who had definitely known, catching it before it smashed. You glared at Finn to keep quiet as you joined them, winking at Anna. 

“Congrats,” Finn whispered in your ear whilst his wife distracted your aut and brother. “I made him do it tonight, before you ask.”

“Thank you, Finn,” you whispered back, hugging him. “Just, thank you.” 

“Word of advice,” Finn said as something smashed over where Arthur and John were. “Elope and skip the whole wedding shindig, it Is very overrated.” 

You laughed, catching Isaiah’s eye across the room and smiling at him. He smiled back, winking before he got dragged away by Esme and Ada to presumably discuss your non - existent relationship which was, actually, very real. 

[blood-fangs-talons]

A vampire kiss (NSFW topic)

Enthusiastic Walk

You’re walking home from work, or from the bus stop from work. You’re not stupid, so you’ve got at least one earbud out so that you can hear if some scumbag is walking behind you. He isn’t. It’s dark out, but the clubs are still out and you just want to go home.

It’s human nature to look towards a sudden sound, and your ear catches a sudden, feminine gasp. Your head turns itself towards the sound. There are two people in the alley, you just get a glance as you’re walking by. A girl has a man against the wall, pressing up and into him, her head craned under his chin as she kisses him deeply. Her hand is curled behind the nape of his neck, and his face is upturned, his mouth open in a tense gape as his eyes stare at nothing in particular. He gives a quiet groan. You didn’t see her other hand, but you’re pretty sure whatever it was holding wasn’t his hand.

You’re pretty sure that’s illegal; public indecency. And unhygenic; backalley handjobs. You ignore it, leaving them to their activities, and go on your way.

Time to sink our teeth into the issue

Now since the title of this post is literally ‘vampire kiss,’ we all know what this is really about. But imagine, if you will, that that had actually happened to you. You would have ignored them, feeling awkward. You’d just inadvertently seen two people being very, very intimate in a public space. You’d probably blush and walk faster because you knew that, if they weren’t having sex right then, they were going to be. 

But still, this is the classic, quintessential vampire embrace: both members standing up, maybe one held against the wall, the vampires head crooked in mimicry or parody of a lover’s kiss. They are pressed closely together–closer than is socially acceptable. They are held together for longer than a socially acceptable hug. And it’s silent. There is no scream or violent struggle. Nothing to indicate a mauling. Just silent, twitching death, with desperate moans as their bodily fluids are forcibly taken from them. ((Forced orgasm analog, anyone))

The vampire embrace is, by its nature, easily mistakable for two people getting a little randy with each other, and it’s no mystery why many media choose to portray deathbyvampire as a blissful release, like an orgasm. ((The french use a phrase “la petite mort” or “little death” as a euphemism for orgasm that featured in Hozier’s Angel of Small Death. The idiom is applicable here.)) 

Blood itself is closely associated with sex–the genitals themselves become engorged with blood. Blood flow increases, the heart rate increases, much like the flight response when being pursued by a predator.

The Vampire is a sexual creature, a succubus, someone drawing life from a victim with pleasure and orgasm.

Creatures of Lust and Avarice and Gluttony on the side

Even in the ‘beginning’, in the bible of all vampire nerds, Dracula, vampires had a sexual element.

In Dracula, when Lucy died she became more than a girlish beauty, she became voluptuous and sexual, trying to ask for Arthur to kiss her (a very sexual no-no for a Victorian woman). Dracula had taken her innocence and virtue (code for virginity) and replaced it with lust and avarice.

For a man and an unmarried woman to be alone in a room together… that’s improper. Inappropriate. Simply unacceptable. The simple act of Lucy being alone together with Dracula rocketed the story from ‘Eerie’ to ‘titillating’

In a word, vampires are perverse. Women, initiating a sexual encounter? Perverse. Women, penetrating men (with their fangs)? Perverse. There’s a constant undercurrent of homosexuality, necrophilia, bdsm, bloodplay, gang bangs, voyeurism, chastity, and all-in-all non-vanilla sex. All of these things can be seen in the original Dracula. ((Not that gay sex can’t be vanilla, but neither is a woman initiating sex particularly kinky by our standards)) Vampires are all about desire and whatever is considered sexually taboo at the time. 

Modern telling and interpretation of the vampire mythos emphasize the vampire’s sexuality, and have ramped up their sexual behaviors to match our modern sensibilities. It’s not enough to have a woman kiss a man first. She has to be a bat-lady. With two heads. And melt through the bed, symbolizing her unity with the place of lovemaking. (A reference to the video I’ve posted below).

((For those of you who are budding into monster theory, I recommend looking up the idea of the monstrous feminine. To get you started, here’s the first few pages of Jeffry Cohen’s Monster Culture. Cohen kinda legitimatized and reinvigorated monster studies, and how literature majors consider monsters. The core of the theory is that we create monsters for many reasons, including To establish the ‘other’, and to fantasize about what we fear the most.))

We love Vampires because Vampires are us, without the social or moral restrictions that tell us ‘do this’ or ‘don’t do that.’ Vampires can do what they want, and that’s incredibly thrilling for a lot of us. Vampires can have all the pleasure and food and drink they want. To be a vampire is to be sated, and ever hungry. Unlike werewolves, they don’t have a ‘bad side’ that they can blame for their actions. They are thinking, reasoning beings that, faced with the consequences of their actions, do them anyway. They are not animals. They are not human. They are more. What could possibly be more empowering? 

I leave you with a link to Hellsing’s Episode 4. I suggest skipping to about 19:40 to see our boisterous boy engage in a perfect example of a vampire kiss. 

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 19th May 2019 (Ed Sheeran & Justin Bieber, Skepta)

This episode is a day late. Sorry for that but due to conflicts with my personal schedule often I have to rush the episodes and I was much too busy to finish this in on time. I know that’s pretty much verbatim what I wrote on Twitter but the new Singles Chart is already out so I want to get this as quick as possible. I can tell you for a fact we’ve got a lot of good stuff coming next week I want to talk about so I’m not promising you a great episode here. Most of what I say will be completely obsolete actually so I’ve decided to ditch the Top 10, Climbers and Fallers entirely, making this a guaranteed shortest episode ever. This was already written so it pains me to do so but I feel like it’d be a tad pointless telling you this info when I’m planning to get the next episode out quite literally tomorrow or at least on Sunday, because there’s going to be a different chart review within the next week, and it’s already freely available on the Internet. It would be redundant to make my already redundant job here anymore redundant... I’ve lost myself. Let’s run through Dropouts and such.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

“M.E.N. II” by Bugzy Malone is out after one week from the debut at #34, while elsewhere we have mostly expected dropouts, nothing surprising. “Sweet but Psycho” by Ava Max is finally out from #36, “Boy with Luv” by BTS featuring Halsey is out from #37 because who expected a K-pop song to last more than a few weeks in the Top 40? “Pretty Shining People” by George Ezra is also out from #39, whilst “Disaster” by Dave featuring J Hus has its streaming cuts and is out from #40. Now there are no returning entries but a massive amount of new arrivals. Let’s go.

NEW ARRIVALS

#39 – “Late Night Feelings” – Mark Ronson featuring Lykke Li

Produced by Mark Ronson and Picard Brothers – Peaked at #5 in Belgium

Remember Mark Ronson? Of course you do, he’s everywhere behind the scenes as a writer and producer, but after “Uptown Funk!”, he seems to appear on the charts spontaneously when you don’t expect it and I had no idea that he’d show up today with this single of all tracks that have been released from his upcoming album of the same name. He seems to have made a proper comeback as a solo or lead act with “Nothing Breaks Like a Heart” featuring Miley Cyrus, a worldwide smash, and his Silk City project with Diplo at the same time. Ronson appears to have kept the disco theme going on with this single featuring indie pop singer Lykke Li, who I’ve not heard much of outside her album last year and that song she did with Drake on So Far Gone; I’m excited to hear more from her though, what I have listened to seems promising. This is Ronson’s eleventh UK Top 40 hit as a credited artist and Lykke Li’s first ever charting song above her previous peak of #126, and it’s pretty okay. Lykke Li has one of my favourite voices in pop, so I’m glad her light falsetto tones within the chorus are reflected perfectly in the soft keys and relaxed instrumentation, with a 70s-influenced disco groove that I can really get into. The guitars are slick, even if they’re buried in the mix to make room for Lykke Li and the cloudy synths. I feel it doesn’t develop enough due to this actually, despite how funky the bassline is here, the percussion is somewhat stiff and while I like it, it feels like an inauthentic attempt at replicating this type of disco, and the repetitive backing vocals in the bridge are unnecessary in my opinion. The bridge that is essentially just the pre-chorus with the disco instrumentation replaced with heavy 808s is really cool, but there’s not enough of a climax after that. It just seems very... grey, if that makes sense. Very fitting for the album cover, but this isn’t for me, especially with the annoying “On and on” looped vocal introduced as a post-chorus, it gets on my nerves.

#35 – “Motorola” – Da Beatfreakz featuring Swarmz, Deno and Dappy

Produced by Da Beatfreakz

More UK faux-grime faux-dancehall hip hop, I see – except this is probably one of the best groups of these types of artists you could have, minus maybe a Tion Wayne or Hardy Caprio. Seriously, the names confuse me too. You may be familiar with Da Beatfreakz from their producer tag which appeared on Swarmz’s hit “Bally” – a song I actually loved, so that’s a good sign. Deno is Deno Driz’s new moniker, he had a pretty big hit with “Advice” which sadly peaked after the rapper collaborating with Deno on that song Cadet’s untimely death. Dappy, meanwhile, has more of a legacy after being in some group called N-Dubz in the 2000s; none of that stuff is good, honestly, all of their hits are pretty awful, but Dappy has grown a lot since and he’s actually competent now. This is Swarmz and Deno Driz’s second Top 40 hit, Da Beatfreakz’s first as a credited artist, and Dappy’s eleventh as a solo act. How does this track stack up then? Well, the beat is more tropical nonsense that sounds just like “Bally”, with an almost identical intro, but once that bass hits, the song actually picks up some menace and steam. The chorus is... interesting. It doesn’t have any of the charm that “Bally” had in its hook, which was killer, mostly because of the lack of a catchy melody. Deno sounds really good with his youthful 16-year-old voice on this beat, though, and I won’t say I don’t get a kick out of the vocoder added to Swarmz’s (admittedly pathetic, lazy and awful) verse, as well as the distant “skrrt, skrrt” ad-libs. Dappy is pretty cool, but I wish he did more with his flow, as he has the longest verse, and it gets pretty repetitive, but the mini-skit between the flow switches is actually pretty cool, albeit making the verse as a whole feel janky. Dappy and Deno adding ad-libs to the final chorus does make it feel a bit fuller and while I’m starting to feel Swarmz was a fluke, Dappy and Deno add a lot to this, which I didn’t expect, so I’m not going to be complaining if this ends up an urban hit – but it won’t, because it’s a posse cut that’s not even three minutes and is credited to the producer. I see these tracks all the time and they go nowhere.

#34 – “Falling like the Stars” – James Arthur

Produced by Bradley Spence and Alex Beitzke

Okay, I have a question. Why do we keep James Arthur on the charts again? His voice is gruelling, his instrumentation and production is consistently as generic as possible, with his sloppy singer-songwriter material never being engaging, unique or interesting. After his X Factor win, he had brief success, sure, but after rehab and a homophobic scandal, he came back and why are we letting him on? Everything he’s released since has been worthless chart filler made to appease radio, without any soul put into it, and whenever soul appears to shine in his vocals he sounds like Lewis Capaldi choking on a TARDIS. Don’t get me started on his squealing falsetto either. I’d argue Capaldi took his place until now but they have the same exact issues with me, I can’t stand either of them. That aside, this is his twelfth Top 40 single in the UK, and it’s the same crap. It’s got a more upbeat acoustic guitar jamble this time but Arthur is speaking pure clichés like this woman being the ocean carrying him home, and while this does feel sincere, it’s only due to how strained the voice is and not because the content deserves it. There’s a piano chord every few bars as well just so you notice that this isn’t just a cover of “Wonderwall” by your local aspiring guitarist, and incredibly fake strings that just sound painfully synthetic. Skip this, in fact, I’ll follow my own advice. I only listened to half of this song, so if it gets worse past the drowned out trap percussion in the bridge, tell me. Actually, don’t. Save me the pain.

#22 – “Greaze Mode” – Skepta featuring Nafe Smallz

Produced by Skepta

Nothing’s been great so far. Nothing’s even been all that good, mostly underwhelming or downright awful. So after all those new arrivals, I know who’s never going to disappoint me: Skepta. I love this dude, especially his more recent work that’s been influenced by trap, but he is or was largely a grime artist back in the day. He’s probably the biggest British rapper stateside due to cosigns and collaborations with Drake, Kanye and A$AP Rocky. I’ve only briefly heard of Nafe Smallz from another Top 40 hit he had here with Gunna, but I remember not liking him all too much so I’m wary of his contribution but with a Skepta beat under him, I’m sure it can’t be terrible. He released a double A-side single from his upcoming album, Ignorance is Bliss, and whilst the other song, “Bullet from a Gun”, barely missed the Top 40 at #42, “Greaze Mode” is Skepta’s twelth Top 40 hit and Nafe Smallz’s second, and while I definitely think this is a safe lead single, I’m not exactly saying it’s bad... except it is. Skepta’s delivery and charisma has always been painfully blunt, straightforward and aggressive, but here it sounds lazy and due to bad vocal mixing, I wouldn’t blame you if you forgot he was on this song. The beat has an eerie synth that doesn’t really click with me at all, with a nice sub-bass but it’s pretty much just any old trap beat, despite the brief flute-like flashes of cute synths and a haunting sub-bass. Nafe Smallz’s hook is really the weak link here, though, he has even worse vocal mixing and it is a painful performance, drenched in pointless reverb and autotune that succeeds in covering up nothing, with no wit or flow to his lyrics or content at all. He keeps the same flow for his whole verse and hook and it feels monotonous. This is a severe disappointment from Skepta, I’m sorry, but Nafe Smallz isn’t the only awful part about this. It’s also down to the beat, mixing and Skepta’s first verse (The third verse is remarkably more interesting), and, yeah, this fails on all regards.

#1 – “I Don’t Care” – Ed Sheeran featuring Justin Bieber

Produced by Max Martin, Shellback and Fred Gibson – Peaked at #1 in too many countries to list

“I Don’t Care”. What a fitting title for the lead single off of Ed Sheeran’s next album, No. 6 Collaborations Project, which I guess is some kind of mixtape where every song has a different rapper or featured singer on it? I don’t care enough to go into specifics, but this song reeks of not bothering with any detail. Sheeran didn’t produce this track at all as he usually does and he and Bieber have no chemistry, mostly because they both sound identical as they’re ripped of any unique tones they had to their voice in the first place. The song is about being at a party he doesn’t want to  be at, but still being there because his girlfriend is there. Okay, cool, I don’t care, because he doesn’t make me believe it, especially with that pathetic falsetto “ooh-ooh” in the chorus, Jesus Christ, that’s so forced and unnecessary. The sloppy tropical beat straight out of 2016 has a painful vocal sample that really doesn’t fit in at this party of a song, except if this song is a party, then no one has got anything to say except, “Pass me another drink”, and “You’ve had enough”, your baby’s in the bathroom with some other dude who isn’t Ronald Weasley’s dad or looking like the Jonas Brothers if they were homeless, yet still isn’t one seventy-eighth as wealthy, and you’re stuck there crooning in manufactured autotune to someone who isn’t listening, and a DJ that’s playing Joy Division. It’s that depressing.

Conclusion

We know what’s coming next week: Tyler. But for now, what’s good? What’s bad? Well, Ed Sheeran and Justin Bieber take Worst of the Week for being absolutely worthless with “I Don’t Care”, whilst Dishonourable Mention is tied, going to both James Arthur and Skepta for “Falling Like the Stars” and “Greaze Mode” featuring Nafe Smallz. Best of the Week goes to... I’m seriously giving Best of the Week to Dappy?! Okay, well, he, Swarmz, Deno and Da Beatfreakz get Best of the Week for “Motorola”, and that song’s barely a 6 or 7/10, so I think we can call this a pretty pitiful week. Follow me on Twitter @cactusinthebank for more pop music ramblings and Top 20 rankings, and I’ll see you next week!