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bastardtetsu · 4 years ago

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{day 09} vanilla ice cream | tsukki x reader

pairing: tsukishima kei x gn!reader

genre: enemies to lovers, secret pen pal, mutual pining a lil bit?

wc: 1.5k

warnings: sick reader (hangover/cold), mention of drinking, some swearing, tsukki showing human empathy

⍋⋆*❅｡. 25 days of fic-mas mlist .｡❅*⋆⍋

somehow it all reminds me of doctor jekyll and mister hyde for right before my eyes, a man that i despise has turned into a man i like

—vanilla ice cream; she loves me (music by jerry bock, lyrics by sheldon harnick)

the first thing you notice as you wake up is your pounding headache. it’s hard to be surprised at your state after the amount of alcohol you consumed last night - not without good reason, of course. as awful as you’re feeling now, it’s nothing compared to the hell that was last night.

it wasn’t supposed to go like that - it was supposed to be a magical, maybe even romantic evening. you had been looking forward to meeting your mystery friend ever since the two of you started messaging each other online, but you hadn’t expected to develop a full-blown crush on this person without even finding out what they look like.

but the more you got to know their personality, exchanging playlists and talking about your similar tastes in music, the more your messages to each other became fonder, even flirty at times. perhaps it was the level of anonymity that made you both so comfortable talking to each other, but you quickly became each other’s most trusted confidants.

when you started working at the record store, things became a little more stressful as you adjusted to your schedule becoming tighter, having to handle the occasional nasty customer, and dealing with one coworker in particular who must have being rude to you written into his DNA. talking with your anonymous friend is a much-needed escape, a distraction from the mundane, a hidden treasure that only you get to enjoy.

so as you sat waiting in the cafe last night, a rose laid out on the table as you had promised your dear friend, nothing could’ve killed your vibe faster than the aforementioned rude coworker - tsukishima kei - showing up and ruining everything.

you could tell he was only there because you’d insisted on leaving work early to make this date, and he wanted to see if you were lying. he only proved his intentions more when he had the audacity to sit down at your table and make jabs at you for meeting up with someone you met online.

“you’ve been waiting an awful long time haven’t you?” he taunted.

“tsukki, if you don’t leave this table—“

“and you’ve never even met them? this is how people get murdered, you know,” he sneered condescendingly. you almost got thrown out because of how loudly you screamed at him. thankfully you didn’t - although you did seem to strike some nerves with tsukishima, which you felt a bit bad about - but even though you waited at the cafe until closing, nobody showed up, leaving you alone with a single rose and a full bottle of wine.

needless to say, you have every reason to feel like shit this morning. not only are you hungover and heartbroken, having heard nothing but radio silence from your friend, you’re starting to feel lightheaded and stuffy-nosed too. you waste no time calling in sick, burying yourself in your blankets as you try your best to shut out the pounding in your head and the salty tears beginning to sting the backs of your eyelids.

suddenly, a knock at the door jolts you back to reality. “who is it?” you call out weakly.

another knock. you drag yourself out of bed with a quiet groan and go to answer the door, only to be met with a familiar lanky blond.

“what do you want, tsukishima,” you demand dryly, “did you have something you forgot to say last night? if you do say it fast, i don’t feel well today.”

“yeah i know, you called out of work,” he replies ambivalently, “that’s why i’m here.”

“oh, so you’re here to check up on me again, make sure i’m not slacking off?” you taunt him, your temper rising.

“that’s not—“

“you gonna go back to work and tell everyone i’m lying? that i just don’t care about my job?”

“no i’m n—“

“well joke’s on you, four-eyes, ‘cause guess what? i’m not giving you the chance.” you immediately start gathering your belongings, preparing to go to work.

“what?”

“i won’t be that late,” you mumble to yourself, throwing a coat over your arm as you hurriedly grab your keys, “fuck— where the hell is my other shoe??”

“oi,” tsukishima says firmly, “y/n. you need to lie down.”

“fuck off,” you bite back at him.

“no seriously, you look like you have a fever.”

“i don’t care,” you snarl, “help me look for my shoe, i know it’s here somewhere—HEY!!!”

there’s not much you can do but continue screaming at him as tsukishima scoops you up in his scrawny arms - which are evidently way stronger than they look - and carries you to your bed, dumping you unceremoniously on top of the blankets.

“THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?” you shout. he just shrugs.

“what was i supposed to do? you wouldn’t get back in bed.” he says it like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. arrogant prick. you slump down into your blankets, feeling too depleted to pick a fight anymore.

“i brought you something.”

your head shoots up as a plastic grocery bag lands next to it. opening it up, you find a tub of vanilla ice cream inside. “it’s the best thing to eat when you’re sick,” he states.

“a-ah,” you stutter hesitantly, “thanks.” is tsukishima being… nice to you?

“did that uh… friend of yours ever show up?” he asks cautiously.

“no,” you mutter bitterly, “i waited til closing. guess you were right, meeting some stranger from the internet really was a stupid idea.”

“hm,” he grunts awkwardly, looking away from you.

“i mean,” you continue, “the least they could’ve done was give me some sort of explanation. instead they just fucking ghosted—“

“they didn’t ghost,” tsukishima interjects suddenly, almost defensive. “i mean— it hasn’t even been a day, they’ll probably hit you up later.”

“and how do you know?”

“because—“ he stops short, hesitating for a moment before continuing, “i saw the guy last night. on the way out of the cafe.”

“wait—what??” you exclaim, “you saw them? how do you know??”

“they were supposed to be holding a rose, right? like the one you had?”

“yeah— wait, how do you know about that?”

“it wasn’t hard to figure out. people usually don’t sit at cafes with loose flowers on the table unless it’s something dumb like that.”

“shut up, you wouldn’t know romance if it bit you in the ass,” you snap back, “so he’s a guy? what did he look like? did you talk to him? what did he say?”

“yeah, uh— he asked if i knew you,” tsukishima recounts, “and he wanted me to tell you he’s sorry for bailing, but something else came up.”

“anything else??” the eager glow in your eyes is suffocating as you stare him down, hungry for more details.

“yeah. he— he was kinda ugly.”

“…seriously?” you respond, half unimpressed with his attempt at a joke and half nervous that he isn’t joking at all.

“what, does that matter?” tsukishima replies mockingly, “i thought you liked him for his personality.”

“i do,” you jab, “and you know what, i don’t care what he looks like. and i certainly don’t care about what your salty ass thinks of him. i’m gonna message him right now, actually”

“have fun,” he says dismissively, turning to make his way out before pausing to pull a record from the vinyl collection on your shelf. “you like this album?”

“yeah, duh. it’s been one of my favorites for years.”

“huh. me too,” he replies, “it’s crazy how it stays with me. sometimes i swear i can hear it in my head while i’m asleep.”

“that’s funny,” you say, “my friend does the same thing. he hears it in his sleep.”

“heh. that is funny,” he mutters quietly as he turns to leave.

“tsukki—“ you stop him before he exits, “thanks for today. you’re not as awful as i thought.” a tentative smile graces your lips.

“whatever,” he mutters, quickly turning his face away from yours, “see you at work tomorrow.” as he retreats out the door, he prays you didn’t notice his blushing cheeks.

once tsukishima is out the door, you waste no time crafting a new message to your friend - but you find yourself struggling to piece together sentences as you snack on the ice cream tsukki brought you, the cold sensation easing your aching throat. was that really the same guy who’s been an asshole to you since the day you started working with him?

it’s incredible that the two of you even spent 2 minutes together without being at each other’s throats like usual, and even more so that someone as harsh and bitter as tsukishima would do something as kind as show up at your door with ice cream when you’re sick. he even said something to make you feel better - and it worked.

realizing that you’ve zoned out, you quickly snap your attention back to your message. but as you continue typing, you find your thoughts continually drifting back to the tall, bespectacled blond and his uncharacteristic kindness.

by the time you manage to write what you have to say and hit send, tsukishima is safely out of earshot when the new message pings on his phone.

he smiles and hopes that you figure it out soon, too.

a/n: i hope the ending for this one is clear addsdsdf,,,, i watched the entire roundabout she loves me revival to get inspired for this (and by get inspired i mean remember the plot details of she loves me bc i had only seen it once before lmao) tbh the narrative of this fic actually covers like 3 different songs, bc old musicals are weird and thought it was necessary to make looking for a shoe an entire number. anyways, all I have to offer you today is laura benanti being utter perfection and all of my love <3

taglist: @izagraceee @musicgetsmeoutofbed @azo-musxas @tsumurai @ghostlydiamond135 @animeboysimppp

#haikyuu!!#tsukishima kei #tsukishima kei x reader #tsukki x reader #haikyuu x reader #25 days of ficmas #e writes #.txt

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tothemeadow · 4 years ago

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I've been a proshipper for awhile now but I don't think I want to be anymore? I'm not an anti either though. Maybe I just need a fresh online start? I know it all comes down to not bullying others, which I would never do but there's so much casual racism in the community and whenever I bring it up I get told it's just fiction. As a poc seeing people with blm in their bio creating media that exists solely on race, whitewashing, or stereotypes feels bad. My friends also screenshot teenagers that say they don't like problematic content (not being violent, just complaining in their circle) and then make a whole thread mocking them and it makes me feel sick. Idc that "that's what antis do", two wrongs don't make a right. Idk, I just feel too old for discourse posting (I'm only 22) and I realized that I want to enjoy my problematic content on my own I guess. Barely any of these issues exist off the internet. I like all the characters I want without judgement AND I can also freely say "fictional 18+ content of a 5 year old is weird" and not get an essay about how I'm trying to commit mass censorship. I don't want to be harassed by people for what I like, but I don't want to be called a cop for saying "maybe writing the N word in this fic as a white person is bad." I ESPECIALLY don't want to be gaslit and told that the people doing it aren't "real" proshippers. Sorry for ranting, I just feel alone on this I guess.

I’m glad you feel comfortable getting this off your chest, and I appreciate your honesty. Perhaps I can provide some comfort ot advice?

First and foremost, ship whoever the fuck you want. As long as it’s legal, go for it. Frankly, I ship characters because there’s nice pieces of art/writings? Also, it’s a fictional character and there’s worse things in the world to worry about?

Anyway, the internet is a shit place. While there’s incredible things out here, people strive for negativity to the point where it isn’t even funny. Since things are “anonymous” or not face-to-face, people act like cowards and target others since they “can’t get in trouble.” In my opinion, people tend to lack maturity when it comes to the internet and it’s disgusting. This is a big reason why I don’t have many social media accounts, and by god it’s one of the best decisions of my life. I’d rather spend my time worrying about my frail grandmother who has Alzheimers rather than argue with some stranger over an issue that neither of us can control.

As for the race issue, I try to keep things neutral as possible in my works. Unless somebody specifically asks for something, that’s how I try to do it. I myself am white, and I know a lot of works cater to lighter skin people. It’s unfair, yes, but there’s nothing I can do personally about the issue. (This is where my POC writers come and serve justice, to kudos to you 👏👏👏)

What I’m trying to say is that the internet is not a good place. While there IS some safe spaces, overall it’s shit. People do get sensitive for the wrong reasons, and it completely blows my mind for their arguments. Maybe I sound like an asshole about this, but I truly do think people are wasting their time and energy on trying to bring others down. If someone randomly left a message in my inbox saying something along the lines of “you suck, fuck off,” like... Who cares? They’re probably gonna be on anon anyway? Whatever I write and post is not affecting your life whatsoever, besides the point of you “not liking it.”

And that’s what it boils down to. If people don’t agree with each other, they tear the other down. And it’s like hey, if you wanna act like a damn monkey, go to a zoo. I understand that people don’t share the same ideology as me, but come on. It’s not hard to not treat others like shit. Then again, common decency is too hard to understand nowadays, at least at a majority level.

I probably sound like I’m preaching or I’m saying I’m better than others. And you know what? That’s okay. Why? Because I respect others, especially online. If I don’t like what I see, I click away rather than target them and try to make them feel like shit. Like what RuPaul said, it is NOT your business what other people think of you. If they don’t like you, who cares? If they don’t like what you’re into, who cares? As far as I’m concerned, it’s your own life and you can do as you please.

I realized I’m rambling, wow. I may have gotten off topic >.> Either way, I’m trying to say is “do what you want.” Granted, I’m not saying you should do illegal shit, but just... enjoy what you want? I don’t think I can convey this through text, and I apologize. Being online means you have to walk on eggshells constantly, and that’s what sucks about it. I mean, aren’t most things out there for our enjoyment? Who decided it would be a good idea to knock that idea and turn communities into such toxic places?

If I could rewrite the world, I would. I personally apologize if my words seem “typical” in any sort of way. I know people tend to write with their familiar with, and maybe of caution? Like, they don’t want to screw something up? I dunno. This is a big rant, yada yada, and I don’t know if it makes sense or even helps. I’ve said numerous times that I want this blog to be an open place, so I thank you for being honest.

#empress talks

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iheartharrington · 2 years ago

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hey everybody. i’ve been contemplating writing on here for a while now.

so first, a little about me and what i will be writing ONLY in my free time.

- the first thing is, i actually don’t have a lot of free time. it’s pretty simple as to why really. i currently have one more year of college left before i graduate and so i have lots of homework, a job, and an internship. right now, i have online summer classes and an internship, so my schedule is a bit lighter which is why i decided it was the perfect time to start.

-as i’m sure you noticed by now, i don’t type with my caps on simply because i think it’s ugly LMAO. but, if i were to start a story, not just a one shot, i would probably use caps to make it looker more professional. the only reason being because i am a creative writing minor and so i have little quirks like that about my writing. this also means i use a lot of imagery and my writing can be quite graphic.

about my writing…

- smut. lol. smut will be a large part of my writing because, well, i am who i am ladies and theys. i live vicariously through my characters and characters i read about.

- i am a multi-fandom page, but i am currently hyper-fixating on steve harrington/joe keery so that will be my first one shot.

- i am open to requests!

- i write about people of the fandoms i am in. to be clear, i will i only write smut about characters/people who are 18+ as i am almost 21. any other kind of stories that do not include 18+ content can be about anyone :)

the list includes:

- stranger things

- one direction

- vinnie hacker

- harry styles

- shawn mendes

- the vampire diaries

- tom holland

- 5sos

- there are definitely more, but i just can’t think of them off the top of my head. if you have a request but you aren’t sure if i’m in that fandom, ask anyway just in case :)

anyway, if you have any questions about me, feel free to ask. i will be maintaining some anonymity however. also, please be patient with me as i’ve never written on here before so i will have to work out the aesthetics as well as the kinks (no pun intended but kinda funny).

all of my one shots including smut will say so and have content warnings. please feel free to tell me if i miss any as well.

thanks so much and i hope you all enjoy my writing!

#multifandom account #steve harrington #new account #smut #oneshot

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raganandhersurveys · 4 years ago

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5/21/21~5000 question survey 201-300 {CXVII}

This has been in the drafts for far too long lol

201. Put these creatures in order from what you would least like to be reincarnated as (1), to what you would most like to be reincarnated as (10) assuming reincarnation ended up existing AND you were given a choice: caterpillar, house dog, wild dog, vulture, male human, female human, oak tree, rock, manta ray, dolphin

~female human, dolphin, male human, house dog, manta ray, wild dog, caterpillar, oak tree, vulture, rock

202. What do you feel unworthy of?

~sometimes i feel like i don’t deserve the love that people give me. but i definitely don’t dwell on that thought

203. Would you rather be remembered for having done something for humanity or being a really nice person?

~doing something for humanity; that effects more people

204. Which do you value more: science or intuition?

~honestly depends on what it is haha. i lead with my heart more than my brain sometimes

205. Your best friend and your significant other are in the hospital at the same time with the same ailment. Who do you visit first?

~...... i hate questions where i have to choose one person over another, i can’t choose

206. Does the universe revolve around human beings?

~lol nope we exist in it just like everything else. we took it upon ourselves to feel as though we are superior

207. If you are no longer a virgin, do you wish you still were?

~no, that thought has never even crossed my mind

208. Who is your favorite poet of those who are alive right now?

~i rlly don’t know that many poets

209. What is your favorite song from the 90's?

~my heart will go on~ celine dion; stereotypical ik but like i love that song

210. If you were in alphabet soup what letter would you be?

~the r ofc:)

211. Do you believe in fairies, ghosts, aliens, angels, dwarves, elves, etc.?

~i definitely believe in angels. as far as aliens and ghosts are concerned, i for the mots part believe in them but i am a little skeptical and someone can be a dwarfed person so i believe in that too, but the elves and fairies are a no go.

212. What makes you want to be someone’s friend?

~if we have similar interests, if they’re funny, kind, if they’re open minded and deep, and like to eat food a lot because i sure do

213. Do you troll around the Internet harassing people anonymously for fun?

~bahaha i have a life lol

214. Have you ever seen the movie A Man Who Fell to Earth?

~nope

215. What is your favorite line from a movie?

~”ughhh! as if”

216. What's your favorite video game?

~i don’t rlly play video games lol

217. Have you ever taken something that wasn't yours?

~yeahhhhhh

218. What is one phrase people say that irritates you?

~”we love that”

219. You allow strangers to read your diary, but would you let your parents read it?

~lol never

220. Hot steamy bubble bath or quick in and out shower?

~depends on my mood. if i have something to do i’d obviously choose the shower lol

221. Are you allergic to anything?

~nope

222. What is your favorite Terminator movie?

~i don’t rlly like any of them

223. What is your favorite fast food?

~chick-fil-a!!!!

224. What would someone have to do to get you to never speak to him or her again?

~cheat on me or hurt someone i love

225. Would (or have) you ever whip someone or be whipped by someone in bed?

~i have never and will never whip or be whipped in bed hahaha

226. Have you ever said 'I hate everyone' and really meant it literally?

~lol no

227. Why do some people want to get more money than they could ever spend?

~greedyyyyyyy oooh. money is also an addiction i feel like; for some people they will never have enough

228. Have you ever won a carnival fish?

~:((((( no

229. Did it live more than a week?

230. What's the best sounding accent a person can have?

~i love a spanish accent or italian/bostson accents too

231. What's the most boring thing you've ever read?

~some book for school probably

232. Do you prefer buttons or touch screens?

~ig touch screens

233. Do you think there is a lot of similarity between the Harry Potter books and the Lord of the Rings series?

~there rlly is but they’re worded differently because they were written in such different times. i enjoyed both but i love lotr.

234. Would you consider yourself to be naive?

~in some regards, yes

235. Which of your friends is most likely to go to jail?

~andrew

236. What is the smallest amount of money that could be in a public toilet that would make you reach in and grab it?

~honestly if it was a $20 dollar bill

237. Would you ever wear real fur?

~no

238. Arachnophobia or Eight Legged Freaks?

~huh?

239. What are your feelings about police officers?

~not all of them are bad. Yes there are corrupt ones but can’t any career have corrupt employers? I would feel safer having them than not so I do not support the whole ACAB movement

240. What is your favorite line from a song?

~i have no idea lmao like my mind went totally blank

241. Is fifty dollars a lot of money?

~to me yeah haha

242. Do you like the band Front 242 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Front_242)?

~i’ve never heard of them

243. Would you rather have fame, money, or self-satisfaction?

~self-satisfaction

244. What's your middle name?

~alexandria

245. What is the absolute limit, the craziest thing you would do for a million dollars?

~probs pee in a public place

246. Are you good, evil or neutral?

~i’d say neutral lmao

247. Should ebonics (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ebonics) be considered a language?~sure lol

248. What color is your bedroom?

~sage green

What color would you like it to be?

~i want my next room to have just white walls

249. When are you planning to move to a new home?

~well i move into my college suite in august

250. If you added up the cost of everything in the room with you, approximately what would it come out to be?

~well i’m not in my room right now so i have no idea

251. Do you blow your nose in public?

~i try to avoid it but you gotta do what you gotta do

252. Do you want to follow in your parent's footsteps?

~in some ways yes, but in other ways absolutely not

253. What is the coolest web site you know of?

~any online shopping place haha

254. Which cartoon would you most like to see turned into a movie?

~most of them have already been turned into movies and they aren’t that great

255. Of the following, which word best describes you: enthusiastic, fair minded, generous, helpful

~i’d say fair minded overall

256. Can you eat with chopsticks?

~no but i wish i could haha

257. Could you tell real money from counterfeit?

~most likely no

258. What do you think about school uniforms?

~i’m so glad i went to a public school and didn’t have to wear one. i love clothes and creating outfits so i’d hate to have to wear the same thing like every day

259. What ancient civilization would you most like to visit?

~either egypt or greece

260. What would make a great new Crayola color?

~do they have a sage green color?

261. If an art project is created with the intent of getting rich and famous, does that cast doubt over its significance as a work of art?

~not necessarily. I feel like it’s hard to do anything artistic like that without a purpose or meaning

262. If you became president, whom would you invite to sing at your inauguration?

~ariana grande or sza

263. Who is the greatest philosopher of your country?

~me lol

264. If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

~i feel like it went to borrowing and to funding the military

265. Is it as easy to make you happy now as it was when you were a child?

~i feel like as a child it was easier

266. Who knows more...you, or your parents?

~depends on the topic tbh

267. What instrument would you like to be famous for playing?

~electric guitar or piano

268. Children fill its lungs completely with air. Adults breathe in a more shallow way, not filling their lungs completely. Why the change?

~that is not a question for me lol

269. Would you have sex with a stranger for one million dollars?

~mmmmmm yeah tbh LMAO

270. Are you completely in control of your body?

~i guess lol

271. Which is more romantic: an expensive, glittering bouquet OR flowers that were hand picked as they grew beside the parkway?

~i’d love either. sometimes money is the thought for someone but hand picked is so special to

272. Do you know yourself well enough to understand why you feel the way you do?

~in some instances, yes. but then sometimes i’ll feel a random emotion at times. there are times where i’ll just feel really sad and I don’t know why lol

273. Which do you do more often: let movies, songs and books put your feelings into words for you or put your feelings into words by yourself?

~both but the songs and books do it so beautifully

274. Do you believe celebrities when they are endorsing a product?

~usually not lol

275. What kind of movies do you wish were made more often?

~i’m always down for a good horror movie

276. Does fashion matter to you?

~yesss! that’s the field i want to enter

277. Should politicians be held to the same legal standards as everyone else?

~of course, if not more so

278. What do you get in trouble for the most?

~my mom always says i do things last minute

279. Should parents spank their kids?

~you do what you wanna do as a parent

280. What is your worst daily habit?

~eating unhealthy foods lol

281. If you had your choice which one TV show would you have canceled?

~pretty little liars because it’s literally knock off gossip girl

282. Do you like the taste of sweet or salt?

~definitely salt

283. Are you very precise about what words you use to describe your feelings and thoughts?

~not always lol

284. What do you feel the most guilty about?

~sometimes i feel like i let people down because some of my decisions still depend on other people (ex: if my mom says no to something that someone asked me to do)

285. Do you meditate?

~no

286. Can dreams be visions, or do you feel they are always random images?

~i think they can be visions but i feel that most of the time they are random images

287. Do you try to write/say what you are feeling in a true and simple way?

~why are so many of these questions about this lmao um it depends if i have a grasp on my emotions in that moment

288. The thief _______ that everyone steals. What verb would you fill in the blank with?

~is jealous?

289. What's the most incredible experience you ever had?

~one night a year or so ago me and some friends just hung out but it felt like a movie. we were jamming to music with the windows down and just going crazy; what a time to be alive

290. Are you ever afraid to write/say/think how you feel?

~for sure however i have learned that that is very unhealthy so i usually tend to speak my mind

291. Do you write/say/think it anyway or become intimidated and try to avoid it?

292. What is one thing you can't do?

~ride a bike

293. Do you like movies starring Charleton Heston (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charleton_Heston)?

~i’ve never seen any of his movies

294. Are you gentle?

~i try to be

295. When do you feel the most raw and vulnerable?

~when i’m alone and not talking to anyone

296. Are you trying to find yourself?

~aren’t we all?

297. Where are you looking?

~in my passions and just getting to understand myself in general

298. Are you sometimes afraid of being honest because you are afraid of hurting people's feelings?

~yep

299. What would make you a stronger person?

~not lettings things that people say get to me and not caring so much of what others think of me

300. What book would you like to read sometime soon?

~there isn’t one in particular but i would like to start reading stephen king

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preventsuicideco · 5 years ago

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Diasporic & Disabled: Interview with a Queer Black USian Woman on the "Strong Black Woman" Stereotype, Misogynoir, & Mental Illness Stigma in the Black Community

This interview was originally published on May 9, 2018 on one of ⁂ hai shuixian’s other projects, ANTIHEROINE.co, a TQBIPOC-centred online magazine.

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Diasporic & Disabled is an interview series on what it's like to be a disabled/mentally ill, especially queer or trans, person of colour in the diaspora.

I started this project because I have a deep personal hunger to see and spread more stories about disabled and mentally ill, especially queer and/or trans, people of colour. Ever since I was diagnosed with a mental illness several years ago, I went out on a search to find memoirs of people with mental illnesses like me, only to discover that the most popular ones about my diagnosis were all written by upper middle class cisgendered heterosexual white women, and that I could not relate to them at all.

[ trigger warning: suicide for the next paragraph ]

I know that personally, stigma around mental illness, disability, and going to therapy from both my Shanghainese Chinese biological family and my Asian-USian friends growing up prevented me from seeking help earlier. (I have been severely symptomatic since I was 7 years old, which is unsurprising given that I suffered severe abuse from a very young age.) Very early on, I heavily internalised the idea that it was a "white" thing to seek help; it was a "white" thing to go to therapy, and it was a "white" thing to give care and empathy to someone with disabilities and/or mental illnesses. My profound feelings of shame around being disabled and mentally ill actually played a large factor in why I attempted suicide for many years—I was suicidal about being suicidal.

[ / end trigger warning ]

One of my life missions is to help eradicate the ableism and stigma that we all internalise, especially the stigma that prevents us people of colour from seeking the help that we need. I hope that this interview series will help do just that.

Disabled/mentally ill people of colour, you're not alone. #DiasporicAndDisabled

Our first interview is with A, who requested to be anonymous.

A is a 27-year-old Black, cisgendered, able-bodied bisexual/queer woman who was born and raised in the U.S. and suffers from depression.

How long have you had symptoms of mental illness?

I have had symptoms of depression since childhood, since I was around five years old.

Have you sought professional help for your depression?

I've never taken medication because there's a particularly strong influence of religion in which I grew up where mental illness and health in general isn't talked about or taken seriously, and you're told to "just pray about it" and you'll be cured. The stigma affected me in how I've never sought professional help beyond school counseling.

Tell me more about the influence of religion where you grew up. How has it affected your mental health and how you seek help?

I grew up in a semi-strict religious household. Whenever I was sad or had questions, my mom would tell me to turn to God for answers. No matter how much I prayed, I never felt better. I was told and believed for a long time that my depression was just a spiritual battle I had to overcome, instead of something that had a medical basis that I could seek help for. I didn't talk about my depression with my family until I was well into adulthood.

When I would explain the reasons for my depression, my family wouldn't understand, and would say that it didn't make sense and I had no true reason to be depressed. I internalized this message and never sought real professional help except for talking to free counselors in high school, college, and at a place for troubled youth in my city called Bridge Over Troubled Waters. Although these seemed to help somewhat, for years I struggled with these emotions and feelings completely on my own, except when I confided in close friends.

I feel this so much. I have similar stories, though not the same. I meditated every day, did yoga every day, read tonnes of Buddhist books, and also prayed every day for years, and it never made my depression better, which made me feel even more hopeless.

I'm sorry that happened to you.

What was your experience with the counsellors in high school and college like?

My experience with the counselors in high school and college was very positive. They were always very kind and compassionate and let me speak about whatever was bothering me in my life. They allowed me to express myself and get to the heart of the matter, and they helped me delve deeper in order to figure out resolutions to situations in my life. I learned a lot about myself and was able to find healthier coping mechanisms instead of spiraling deeper into depression and self-loathing.

That's good, I'm glad it helped you.

Do your family and friends know about your mental illness? How did they respond to it?

My family was pretty dismissive in the beginning and as far as they're concerned, I'm a very happy individual who has gotten over depression.

Growing up, my family wasn't really supportive about mental health in general. We talked about our feelings sometimes, but we never put a name to certain mental health issues.

My friends have been much more supportive and validated my struggles. However, it was hard when I was very deep in my depression for people to understand what I was going through. A few people said that it just sounded like I was "occasionally sad" and not truly depressed, because I didn't feel like I needed medication to regulate my mood.

How did your friends' reactions make you feel?

It made me feel really alone and invalidated, like I was making up what I was going through. For a long time, I tried to hide and bury my feelings/emotions so as not to bother or bring down my more positive friends. It's funny, because now people look at me as the positive, sunny, optimistic friend, when before I was very dark, and it was difficult for me to see the "bright side" of things that people kept telling me to look at.

Do you feel like there is a specific stigma in the Black community that prevents people from seeking help for their mental illnesses?

I definitely feel like there's a huge stigma in the Black community when it concerns mental health. We're supposed to remain strong, especially if we are Christian/religious, and turn to God to solve our problems—and we're not supposed to talk about our struggles with other people, and especially not with doctors.

It's really damaging, because so many Black people are dealing with severe mental illness and are told not to seek counsel or help because it's "all in their heads" and that they just need to be "strong enough to withstand life's tests." Especially when it comes to marginalized genders, there's a specific stereotype of the "strong Black woman," where we're never supposed to need or even ask for help with anything and we should bear all our burdens alone. This harms everyone, and it has a lasting effect, especially on children, because damaged/traumatized children become adults who are still struggling with these issues.

Do you want to talk more about the "strong Black woman" stereotype?

It's really hard for me to talk about it because there are so many facets and nuances to it. It affects us in everything, from family, friendships, and romantic relationships, to the workplace, and even in our interactions with complete strangers. Having to put on a brave face and pretend that everything is okay all the time is exhausting. We always have to pretend we're okay, because showing weakness is pretty much impossible; we put on a mask to survive, and showing any little chip in the armor or cracks in the mask can be our downfall.

We aren't allowed the grace to simply exist and be human, as flawed as the next person.

How do you feel like this destructive stereotype affects Black women's mental health?

It affects us in that we don't seek help when we need it, and even when we do get help, we often don't have the proper resources or right people helping us. The intersection of misogyny and anti-Black racism against Black women is called misogynoir, which means we face both simultaneously.

So oftentimes, even in mental healthcare, misogynoir prevents many Black women from getting the assistance we require, because either the healthcare "professionals" have inherent biases that they let affect how they treat and talk to us, or they'll say we don't even need help, because we're supposed to be stronger, mentally and physically.

I've been fortunate to have had counselors who treat me with respect and dignity, but I know that my experience is the exception, not the norm. I've considered becoming a social worker or psychologist/therapist in the past, but I don't think I can handle the emotional stress that comes with it, despite being a very empathetic and compassionate person who actively listens to others who are going through difficult situations.

Thank you so much for being here with us, A. Any last words?

The most important thing that I've learned and that I want other people to know is that you do not have to suffer alone and in silence.

Your life is important and you matter,

no matter what you've previously used as coping mechanisms, or how many people do not support you or have let you down.

Your voice, opinions, thoughts, and feelings are just as profound and needed as anyone else's.

No matter where you are in your current battle or struggle, you are valid.

Thank you again, A.

///

This interview was conducted by ⁂ hai shuixian.

If you enjoyed this post, please share and support our work!

Follow @ANTIHEROINEco on Twitter.

#mental illness #depression #actually depressed #actually mentally ill #misogynoir #anti-Blackness #racism #ableism #interview #ANTIHEROINE #ANTIHEROINE.co #sexism #misogyny #mental illness stigma #Black women #mental health #Black community #diasporicanddisabled #diasporic and disabled

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mixedfeelingsproject · 7 years ago

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Anonymous

Where are you from? Seattle, WA

How would you describe your race/ethnicity? Biracial white/Japanese-American

Do you identify with one particular aspect of your ethnicity more than another? Have you ever felt pressure to choose between parts of your identity? When I was little I wanted to know more about my Japanese side. I think this is because my father, who is a third generation Japanese-American, didn't talk about his heritage a lot if at all, but my white mother pressed that that part of my family history is important. And even though I grew up in a rural white community, I was always told that my Japanese ethnicity was "cool" or "different"(in a good way), so I felt comfortable exploring it. But I also felt compelled to explore my white heritage too because my maternal grandfather constructed a family tree leading back to Norway, Germany, England, and Wales. In my teenage years I really embraced this and did Norwegian folk dance alongside taking Japanese Language lessons. But I always felt like I had to carefully balance the amount of attention I allotted each side of myself - not because of external pressure, but rather because I didn't want to make one side of myself feel more important than the other. I wanted them to be equal because I felt that was important. But as I've become more aware of issues like racism, cultural appropriation, and privilege, I've had times where I've waned in identity - on both sides. I remember being heartbroken and not wanting to continue studying Japanese because of how Japan conducted itself in China during WWII and race issues in the country today, I felt ashamed. But I've also been upset at the vicissitudes of white privilege and violence against POC (I was sheltered from that growing up). Whether I strongly identify as one or the other isn't fixed for me, it waxes and wanes depending on context and what I am feeling at the moment.

Did your parents encounter any difficulties from being in an interracial relationship? Lol, not that I know of? My dad is pretty Americanized in a heavily Asian area, so none of his behavior would come off as "different". I think that helped them blend in a little. But my mom told me that when she announced to her dad (my grandfather who happens to be pretty damn racist) that she was getting married, my grandpa asked what his last name was (this was over the phone): Mom: "It's Watanabe." Grandpa: "Whatta-what?! Janet K, what the hell are you getting yourself into!" At this point my mom was used to this kind of response from my grandfather as he was kind of a raging mess and didn't really deserve her attention anyways, so she just laughed.

How has your mixed background impacted your sense of identity and belonging? I grew up really damn white. And by that I mean really damn whitewashed. This is not only due to the location in a rural area outside of Seattle, but also that my dad is whitewashed, and my mom is white, and I'm white-passing (we were also very very Christian). But I always knew I was Japanese. I just never - NEVER - experienced racism because of it. Only until recently have I experienced any aggression towards me on the basis my race and most of it was online. I think something that helped preserve my Japanese identity in the face of all this whiteness I grew up around is the fact that my family hosted Japanese Exchange students, a total of seven from when I was a child and have no recollection to high school. I'm close friends with the two we hosted when I was a teenager. And they all marveled at the fact they were in America staying with ethnic Japanese, even though we were Nikkei (ethnic Japanese outside of Japan) and didn't speak Japanese (by the time the second Japanese student came along I had visited Japan and my Japanese was pretty good). And yet I knew I didn't really belong in Japan after I had gone there for the first time, since they called me Amerika-jin (an American), and not Nikkei-jin. But the Japanese people I do know are warm and welcoming towards me, and consider me a part of their culture, just not a part of their society (and that degree varies depending on the person and how well they know me). But I never felt this way in white circles - unless I brought up my last name. Then I was suddenly the Asian one, or at worst, the "exotic" girl. But this didn't really bother me much as a lot of that stuff flew over my head; I didn't realize how that could be damaging not just to myself, but to others and the community at large. Now I'm more sensitive to it because of that. In all honesty where I belong doesn't trouble me as much as others because I'm okay with just being myself. But lately I've realized that's part of my white-passing privilege, and furthermore I'm feeling alienated by my country because of the way it's moving.

Have you been asked questions like "What are you?" or "Where are you from?" by strangers? If so, how do you typically respond? Haha so many times! It never bothered me because they left it open-ended for me to answer. It was the rare that they were more rude about it, although I don't think people should keep asking us "what are you" as that's pretty demeaning and there are better and more nuanced ways to ask us about our background. The more far-flung guesses I more so laugh at because they are so off the map, and in all cases I just say I'm Japanese and White. However, now that I'm a full grown woman, I've been privy to the issue of Yellow Fever (which I have very much been a victim of), which when I'm talking with men makes me more keen on withholding my ethnicity as from experience I get the instant "ooooh you're an Asian woman" vibe. Bleh. At one time when I was living in the city I was debating on converting to Islam, and in my more serious phase I was wearing hijab more and more often. I got asked by one man who was from East Africa where I was from, and he was surprised (and a little embarrassed lol) when I told him I was from here. That's why I decided against wearing the headscarf at all unless I decided to take Shahadah and become a Muslim (that's another story for another place and time). Also, another story, a friend of mine who is French-Canadian and Alaskan Native often gets mistaken as my sister and vice-versa. We used to work together at a small store so we'd always laugh at this and joke that we were very very very very very very very very distant cousins from back during the age when the ancestors of the Native Americans crossed the Ice Bridge from Russia/Asia to Alaska. Lol.

Have you experienced people making comments about you based on your appearance? Nope, because most people assume I'm white through and through or if they have a suspicion, they typically keep it to themselves. UNLESS I'm wearing kimono; I hate Yellow Fever so much man... I also have a hair loss disorder and that's more noteworthy in gossip about me than anything else.

Have you ever been mistaken for another ethnicity? The most common guess is Chinese, Japanese being the second, Native American third. I've even had someone ask if I was Turkish (which makes me roflmao now because my current boyfriend is Turkish)! And no, that latter question was not while I was wearing hijab, and the lady (Fatima was her name) was super nice :)

Have you ever felt the need to change your behavior due to how you believe others will perceive you? In what way? In Japanese circles I change my behavior a lot, but I think this is due to how the study of the language has created a separate identity within me. This is really common for multilingual people, to have, say, a "Spanish" presentation of themselves alongside their "English" presentation, and even a "Turkish" presentation of themselves while speaking any of those respective languages. But I know I try harder to blend in when I speak Japanese. I don't pass as Japanese in Japan for the most part, but the minute I start speaking I do (I don't have an accent when I speak Japanese and hence I sound native lol). So that helps and I want that, but at the same time it's the potential of eliminating my white side and my American upbrining that makes me say "Hanbun Nikkei-jin" (half ethnic Japanese) instead of "Hanbun Nihon-jin" (half Japanese). If any experience I had in white/non-Japanese circles, I would have to say that I have to clarify that I am a Japanese-American, not strictly Japanese; the fact I have a Japanese last name makes this distinction difficult for the non-Japanese/Japanese-American. No, my mom isn't from Japan, she's white as hell and my dad is a third generation full blooded Japanese-American whose only voluntary tie to Japan is grilling mochi over the stove. This in turn makes the other (including my boyfriend's mom lolol) believe I'm somehow "less Japanese", not because I'm half, but because I'm not a direct import from Japan (see what I did there? No? Haha okay). To me that's not okay, so then I start speaking Japanese and they're like "oh you're really Japanese!" Which, okay, thanks, but I had to learn this - which leaves me back at square one. Honestly this is where I get pissed off, but it's an incredibly complex issue that most people - even the "woke" ones - aren't familiar or even open to discussing. So then I frame it as "I want to reconnect with my relatives in Japan someday," which makes the other party respect me more because of the noble aspect of it (and I do want to reconnect, that's one of the major reasons I have undertaken the language). But funny how I have to be a hero in order to be taken seriously and not be seen as a weeb.

What positive benefits have you experienced by being mixed? I love being mixed! I wouldn't have it any other way. I've always loved being different somehow, mainly different in mind and spirit, but I do enjoy the complex - albeit sometimes frustrating - experience I have because I'm mixed. I love my Japanese side and my white side, even though my Japanese side is more fraught with scars from the Internment and subsequent poverty/second-class citizen mindset from my father, I still prize it as a unique history apart from Japan and apart from white America. But I also know that that part of my family extends back into Japan in some fashion and that the history there is long even if it's undocumented - it's in our genes. Likewise with my white side. In a way being mixed has given me not one, but two paths of history to explore, connect, and learn from. It has made me more open minded and paved the way to understand that people don't have to be one or the other, they can be both. I love diversity. If I'm in a mono-racial/cultural/religious place, I get hella bored and even depressed. Diversity makes me alive. The fact that I'm racially and cultural diverse in my very existence makes me feel alive.

Have you changed the way you identify yourself over the years? I've realized that I don't need to "appease" any side of me internally. That also goes for externally. I've come to identify myself more as a human with a more interesting experience than some; the more you get to know me the more I'm apt to tell you my story as a biracial disaporic. So in a way I'm more conservative about how I identify myself to strangers, especially men. But I'm still proud of my Japanese heritage, specifically my Japanese-American heritage. And I'm still proud of my white heritage, the Norwegian (gimmie that krumkake), German (omg my grandma's apfelkuchen will forever be my downfall), English (I still see them as shitty colonialists sorry lol I leik tea and Jane Austen at least), and Welsh (the dragon is pretty damn cool not gonna lie) side no matter how much I knock white people, I'm proud to be part of that heritage. I think learning more about the bad parts of history on either side of my background (Like the xenophobic Japanese attitude and then the English colonial rape and pillage of Africa) has given me a more clearer picture too on how I identify with these parts of myself. Do I cherry pick? Absolutely. But I still acknowledge the wrongs of each side in history. We're all human. Let's identify as that first.

Are you proud to be mixed? Hell yes!

Do you have any other stories you would like to share from your own experiences? I want to share two stories: one about how my Japanese side holds me accountable, and then the Yellow Fever one. I'm gonna start with the latter as I want to end on a high note, but also because I think it's important for people to realize the impact of Yellow Fever has on Asian and Asian-American women, including those of us who are not fully Asian.

At my first job in a huge corporate company away from home, I felt kind of lost in a lot of ways. A company veteran who I will call James was always willing to help me, and in the beginning it was great. By the way, James was 12 years older than me, married (to an Asian woman), and was expecting a kid when this all started to go down. I told him I liked video games, to which he invited me over to meet his wife and play games. this was fun and dandy, we complained about work when we needed to and whatnot. He was overall a good friend, except when he started to send me texts with "you're my little angel" and some really suggestive picture of a nude angel. He also would talk about how hot Kpop and other Asian stars were, having photos on his computer and phone. He was also very crude and constantly talking about how what a cute little Asian girl I was. I got a lot of attention at that job - it was a male-dominated company as it was - but James was by far the most vulgar. He would even whisper "jokes" about fucking me and how he was sick with Yellow Fever shit into my ear. Being young and inexperienced, I was scared and felt that if I told someone, I'd be going behind this back. I now know that I should've done that from the get go. It all came to a head when I began dating a man I'll call Leo. Leo was the same age as James and I met him outside of work. When James learned about Leo - and the age thing - that's when the sexual advances became more lewd. By then James's child was born, a boy, and he would send me pics of his genitals saying "look it's just as big as mine". James eventually confessed he had feelings for me, despite everything he had in his life. "You like games and you're a cute little Asian girl!" He kept wanting to know about Leo and I's sex lives. One day I was called to the Manager's office: corporate was on the phone, asking me about James and his behavior. Soon after, I was whisked into the office next door to write some paperwork up, and there is a opaque sliding window in the wall that connects the two offices. I got to listen to James respond to corporate's questions. He denied all. The manager took pics of his texts on my phone as proof. Good thing I left soon after - I learned later he was fired. After more than a decade with the company, James was gone. Apparently I was not the only one; I didn't even file the complaint. But how James talked about me in the Asian fetish context not only made me feel scared but also that I couldn't trust men to not be attracted to the "Asian" part of me. TL;DR - Douche of a man helps me at my first job, but then makes sick, sexual jokes about Yellow Fever and how hot I am because I'm Asian, I was too afraid to speak up, but then someone else files a complaint and I give enough evidence that gets him fired after I leave the company. Yellow Fever has real consequences and they're all bad.

The second story will be shorter, it's basically how since I was young, I was obsessed with "gypsy" culture. I now know better to call it Romani culture. Before I realized the implications of how Romani nomad culture has been appropriated in the West, I eagerly latched onto the Boho embroidery on dresses, bangles, and crystal balls in an effort to be a "gypsy". I didn't realize the oppression these people faced and that the word gypsy is a slur, even though I still greatly respect their culture. Once I learned that the Romani were lumped into the Concentration Camps of Germany during WWII, and that the discrimination against them was bloody, horrific, and compounded by recent cultural appropriation, I realized what I was doing - and that I remotely knew how it felt. My grandmother was incarcerated in Minidoka in an Internment Camp during WWII, and the modern day cultural invasion of Japanese pop culture in spaces like Hanami made me realize how harmful my wanton taking of Romani culture was. In short, the struggles felt from my Japanese side help keep me accountable to other groups. I no longer say gypsy, or dress like their revered witches, or claim to be Romani simply by the way that I dressed - and to all Romani people, I apologize for appropriating your culture. I know better now, and I respect your history even more. Next time I want to partake in your culture, I will ask first, and respect you if you say "no". Because I know what it feels like when a group says "no" and the other party doesn't respect it. TL;DR - Young girl appropriating Romani culture realizes her wrongful actions because of how the oppression of the people mirrored her own Japanese-American family struggle, girl apologizes and now is more sensitive and respectful of the culture that she still is keen to learn about. Being mixed is awesome, I wouldn't have it any other way.

#mixed #japanese #european #identity

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rimofwell · 8 years ago

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How do I stop wanting to die?

Seriously?? Figure out why you want to die and start from there. Reach out to someone who can actually help you (i.e., not another person struggling on the internet).

edit thought of other things (though of course, i have to emphasize that these are things that have helped me and may not help you):

use your time/talents to benefit someone else (e.g., volunteering at a hospital, nursing home, day care, tutoring center, animal shelter). getting out of your head can be an amazing gift. sometimes when we get so caught up in our own problems/struggles we forget that there’s a whole world out there filled w/ a lot of amazing and also a lot of horrible things. helping others can help you feel more fulfilled

think about things you enjoy doing and force yourself to start doing them again even if it’s hard

write down things you’re grateful for

feel your feelings, get angry, cry, scream, kick. whatever just let it out. keeping things in is a sure way to let them get darker and larger and take over. don’t ruminate

funny movies, funny shows. distraction is cool sometimes

reach out to people in real life! sometimes you just have to get off the internet!!!!!! i don’t mind that you sent this to me (i mean, i do in a sense which i’ll talk about below) but this is something you should be saying to your friends/family. it’s waaaay different to have someone physically talk to you or hold you than it is for a stranger online to give you feedback

** i’ll keep coming back to this if i think of more things, this is just very rough and off the top of my head

anyway, the thing! i’m sorry if this is a little blunt (don’t read it in an angry way bc I’m not angry), but I really don’t think it’s fair to anonymously send messages like this to people. Not a great position to put someone in since there’s not much I can do for you other than offer support and direct you to better resources. also without any context literally at all, this message makes me assume the worst

i know that it’s easy to distance yourself from the messages you send online (this goes for everyone), but try to remember that there are actual real human beings on the receiving end of these messages. you’re not really “screaming into the void” when you’re directly messaging another person, and i am a person that cares about people too so it’s hard for me to get suicidal-ish messages from people

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recentanimenews · 5 years ago

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Manga the Week of 9/4/19

SEAN: It’s always September somewhere in the manga lists.

J-Novel Club has infinite light novels, or at least Infinite Stratos 9 (digitally) and Infinite Dendrogram 1 & 2 (print). There’s also the print debut of Ascendance of a Bookworm, as well as the 3rd light novel digitally, which wraps up the first arc. And we get the 3rd Full Metal Panic! novel.

ASH: Oh, print debut! That means it’s time for me to check out Ascendance of a Bookworm!

SEAN: In print, Kodansha debuts a spinoff, Cells At Work: Code Black. Unlike the relatively healthy body the main series takes place in, Code Black takes place in an unhealthy middle-aged body. It also seems to have Rule 63 Red and White Blood Cell. It runs, believe it or not, in Morning Magazine.

MICHELLE: Probably I will read this.

ASH: I will absolutely read this! I greatly enjoy the original Cells at Work.

SEAN: Digitally we get another debut with Smile Down the Runway (Runway de Waratte), a manga about a girl who’s trying her best to be a runway model at her father’s agency. Unfortunately… she’s only 5’2″. Can a short woman still have what it takes to be a model? Despite a very josei-sounding premise, this actually runs in Weekly Shonen Magazine. That said, it doesn’t seem like it has the usual “danger signs” of Shonen Magazine series.

ANNA: Hmmmm.

MELINDA: I feel like there’s no way this can be anything but horrifying. But. As Anna said, “Hmmmm.”

SEAN: There’s also Blissful Land 4, Boarding School Juliet 12, Goodbye I’m Being Reincarnated! 2, My Pink Is Overflowing 3, My Sweet Girl 6, Our Precious Conversations 4, and The Tale of Genji: Dreams at Dawn 7.

ASH: I still have my fingers crossed for print release of The Tale of Genji.

SEAN: Seven Seas debuts the Arifureta Zero light novel spinoff in print. They’ve also got Akashic Records of Bastard Magical Instructor 7, A Centaur’s Life 17, Nirvana 4, and Non Non Biyori 12.

Tokyopop gives us a 3rd Aria the Masterpiece, and a 6th Futaribeya, but still can’t provide any cover artwork without a giant ‘coming soon’ banner on it. Not that I’m bitter.

Viz has no debuts this month, alas. But hey, this does not mean they don’t have a ton. On the shonen end, we get a giant Assassination Classroom box set with every single volume. There’s also Black Clover 17, Blue Exorcist 22, Demon Slayer: Kimetsu no Yaiba 8, Dr. STONE 7, Dragon Ball Super 6, Haikyu!! 34, Kaguya-sama: Love Is War 10, One Piece 3-in-1 29, Twin Star Exorcists 16, and Yu-Gi-Oh! Arc V 6.

MICHELLE: Of these, I’m only reading Haikyu!!, but my love for it is boundless.

ANNA: One of these days I need to catch up on Haikyu!!, but my kids love it and read every volume as it comes out. I am enjoying Dr. STONE too.

ASH: Ack! I am so far behind on my Shonen Jump reading!

SEAN: On the shoujo end, there is Anonymous Noise 16, Daytime Shooting Star 2, Kakuriyo: Bed & Breakfast for Spirits 5, Snow White with the Red Hair 3, and The Demon Prince of Momochi House 14.

MICHELLE: Quite a lot of goodness here! I’m perhaps most keen for the newer titles like Snow White with the Red Hair and Daytime Shooting Star.

ANNA: Me too!

ASH: Likewise, although The Demon Prince of Momochi House still has its hooks in me, too.

SEAN: Lastly, Yen Press may be into September but it still has its August titles, some of which are debuts. Combatants Will Be Dispatched! (Sentouin, Hakenshimasu!) is a new light novel series by the creator of KonoSuba, and is supposed to be quite funny. A mix of sci-fi and fantasy, it’s about an evil minion who finds he has to invade a fantasy-based world.

The other light novel debut has a more light novel-ish title, The Genius Prince’s Guide to Raising a Nation Out of Debt (Hey, How About Treason?) (Tensai Ouji no Akaji Kokka Saisei Jutsu ~Sou da, Baikoku Shiyou~). Again, the title is the plot. The prince wants an easy life without much to do, so decides to betray his country. Sadly, he’s too good at being a genius, and every scheme he comes up with makes the nation’s people love him more.

ASH: That sounds like it could be amusing.

SEAN: There’s also an 11th Baccano!, which takes us all the way back to 1705; The Devil Is a Part-Timer! 14; and I’ve Been Killing Slimes for 300 Years and Maxed Out My Level 5.

On the manga end, Yen debuts three titles, though one is a light novel adaptation. Do You Love Your Mom (and Her Two Hit, Multi-Target Attacks)? needs no introduction by now, so we’ll move on, except to say it runs in Young Ace Up.

Phantom Tales of the Night (Bakemono no Yawazukushi) is a shoujo-ish series from Comic Gene, and is about an inn which takes its payment in secrets. Sounds sort of anthology-esque to me.

ASH: Oh! I’m always interested in new shoujo horror manga!

SEAN: Reborn as a Polar Bear: The Legend of How I Became a Forest Guardian (Shirokuma Tensei: Mori no Shugoshin ni Natta zo Densetsu) runs online on the Comic Walker site, and its title is, again, its plot. But, werewolf sisters! Also, the polar bear seems unlikely to amass a harem.

And we get Final Fantasy: Lost Stranger 3, Happy Sugar Life 2, DanMachi: Episode Lyu’s 4th manga, Kakegurui Twin 3, Plunderer omnibus 2, a 9th Sekirei omnibus, Spirits & Cat Ears 8, Star Wars: Lost Wars 2, and Yowamushi Pedal omnibus 12.

MICHELLE: Yowamushi!!!

ASH: Yay!!!

SEAN: So what titles are you hiding behind your textbook at school to read?

By: Sean Gaffney

#Anime #News #Manga Bookshelf

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nchyinotes · 6 years ago

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So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed by Jon Ronson

the spambot left me feeling powerless and sullied. my identity had been redefined all wrong by strangers and i had no recourse. (3)

“a researcher in technology and cyber culture and director of the virtual futures conference”, “creative technologist” (4)

“you’re proposing yourself as the real mccoy, as it were, and you want to maintain that integrity and authenticity.” (5) “we’re not quite persuaded by that. we think there’s already a layer of artifice and it’s your online personality - the brand jon ronson - you’re trying to protect.” … “that’s why i say you’re using it as brand management.” … “and that’s what’s annoying me so much,” i explained. “it’s a misrepresentation of me." (6)

“it’s about the terror isn’t it?” “the terror of what?” “the terror of being found out,” he looked as if he felt he were taking a risk even mentioning to me the existence of the terror. he meant that we all have ticking away within us something we fear will badly harm our reputation if it got out - some “i’m glad i’m not that” at the end of an “i’m glad i’m not me.” i think he was right. maybe our secret is actually nothing horrendous. maybe nobody would even consider it a big deal if it was exposed. but we can’t take that risk. so we keep it bored. maybe it’s a work impropriety. or maybe it’s just a feeling that at any moment we’ll blurt something out during some important meeting that’ll prove to everyone that we aren’t proper professional people, or in fact, functional human beings. i think that even in these days of significant oversharing we kept this particular terror concealed, like people used to with things like masturbating before everyone suddenly got blasé about it online. with masturbation, nobody cares. whereas our reputation - it’s everything. (31)

delaware laws: if jonah had been found guilty of ‘lying or publishing fake news” in the 1800s, he could have been publicly whipped! (53)

i suppose that when shamings are delivered like remotely administered drone strikes nobody needs to think about how ferocious our collective power might be. the snowflake never needs to feel responsible for the avalanche. (56)

“i always felt like a fad. i felt like i was going to be hot for a second and then i would disappear. so i had to act while i could. and there was just some deep seated … some very dangerous and reckless ambition. you combine insecurity and ambition, and you get an inability to say no to things.” (60)

I suddenly remembered how weirdly tarnished i felt when the spambot men created their fake jon ronson, getting my character traits all wrong, turning me into some horrific, garrulous foodie, and strangers believed it was me, and there was nothing i could do. that’s what was happening to justine, although instead of a foodie she was a racist and instead of fifty people it was 1.22 million (75)

So there it was: at aryan nations, you didn’t need to be an actual Jew to be jew ish. and the same was true on twitter with the privileged racist justine sacco, who was neither especially privileged nor a racist. but it didn’t matter. it was enough that it sort of seemed like she was. (77)

her destruction was justified, sam biddle was saying, because justine was a racist, and because attacking her was punching up. they were cutting down a member of the media elite, continuing the civil rights tradition that started with rosa parks, the hitherto silenced underdogs shaming into submission the powerful racist. but i didn’t think any of those things were true. if punching justine sacco was ever punching up - and it didn’t seem so to me given that she was an unknown PR woman with 170 twitter followers - the punching only intensified as she plummeted to the ground. (78)

a life had been ruined. what was it for: just some social media drama? … with social media, we’ve created a stage for constant artificial high drama. (78)

he was just like everyone who participates in mass online destruction. who would want to know? whatever that pleasurable rush that overwhelms us is - group madness or something else - nobody wants to ruin it by facing the fact that it comes with a cost. (79)

in psychology it’s known as cognitive dissonance. it’s the idea that it feels stressful and painful for us to hold two contradictory ideas at the same time (like the idea that we’re kind people and the idea that we’ve just destroyed someone). and so to ease the pain we create illusory ways to justify our contradictory behaviour. (81)

"but aren’t you turning the criminal justice system into entertainment?” i asked (85)

judge ted poe’s critics - like the ACLU - argued to him the dangers of those ostentatious punishments, especially those that were carried out in public. they said it was no coincidence that public shaming had enjoyed such a renaissance in mao’s china an whittler’s germany and the KKK’s america - it destroys souls, brutalising everyone, the onlookers included, dehumanising them as much as the person being shamed. (83)

but mike hubaecek thought his shaming was the best thing that had ever happened to him. this was especially true, he told me, because the onlookers had been so nice. he’d feared abuse and ridicule. but no. … their kindness meant everything, he said. it made it all right. it set him on his path to salvation. (87)

“social media shamings are worse than your shamings,” i said suddenly to ted poe. he looked taken aback. “they are worse,” he replied. “they’re anonymous.” “or even if they’re not anonymous, it’s such a pile on they may as well be,” i said. “they’re brutal,” he said. i suddenly became aware that throughout our conversation i’d been using the word they. and each time that i did, i felt like i was being spineless. the fact was, they weren’t brutal. we were brutal. (88)

for the first time in history we sort of had direct access to ivory-tower oligarchs like (donald trump and rupert murdoch). we became keenly watchful for transgressions. after a while, it wasn’t just transgressions we were keenly watchful for. it was misspeaking. fury at the terribleness of other people had started to consume us a lot. and the rage that swirled around seemed increasingly in disproportion to whatever stupid thing some celebrity had said. (88)

“the justice system in the west has a lot of problems,” poe said, “But at least there are rules. you have basic rights as the accused. you have your day in court. you don’t have any rights when you’re accused on the internet. and the consequences are worse. it’s worldwide forever.” it felt good to see the balance of power shift so that someone like ted poe was afraid of people like us. but he wouldn’t sentence people to hold a placard for something they hadn’t been convicted of. he wouldn’t sentence someone for telling a joke that came out badly. the people we were destroying were no longer just people like jonah: public figures who had committed actual transgressions. they were private individuals who really hand’t done anything much wrong. ordinary humans were being forced to learn damage control, like corporations that had committed PR disasters. it was very stressful. “we are more frightening than you,” i said to poe, feeling quite awed. poe sat back in his chair, satisfied. “you are much more frighting,” he said. (90)

her motives were kinder than that. she was also someone whose shaming frenzy was motivated by the desire to do good. (123)

"dragging down justine sacco felt like dragging down every rich white person who’s ever gotten away with making a racist joke because they could. she thought her black AIDS joke was funny because she doesn’t know what it’s like to be a disadvantaged black person or to be diagnosed with AIDS. … Some sorts of crimes can only be handled by public consensus and shaming. it’s a different kind of court. a different kind of jury.” (128)

eventually, general motors was forced to admit the plot and apologise to nader in a congressional hearing. the incident proved to him, and later to max, that the car industry was not above trying to shame its opponents into silence in its battle against safety do gooders, and that people in high places were prepared to ingeniously deploy shaming as a means of moneymaking and social control. maybe we only notice it happening when its done too audaciously or poorly, as it had been with ralph nader. (143)

if our shame worthiness lies in the space between who we are and how we present ourselves to the world, max was narrowing that gap to nothing. whereas jonah’s gap was as wide as the grand canyon. (144)

brad blanton: many of us “live our lives constantly in fear ob being exposed or being judged as immoral or not good enough.” to eradicate those feelings = radical honesty (158)

shame can factor large in the life of a journalist - the personal avoidance of it and the professional bestowing of it onto others. (168)

almost none of the murderous fantasies were dreams dup in response to actual danger - stalker ex boyfriends, etc. they were all about the horror of humiliation. … shame internalised can lead to agony. (170)

max mosley: as soon as the victim steps out of the pact by refusing to feel ashamed, the whole thing crumbles. —> jon realises this is wrong (176)

but the shifting sands of shame worthiness had shifted away from sex scandals - if you’re a man - to work improprieties and perceived white privilege, and i suddenly understood the real reason mark had survived his shaming. nobody cared. max survived his shaming because he was a man in a consensual sex shaming - which meant there had been no shaming. … of all the public scandals, being a man in a consensual sex scandal is probably the one to hope for. max was a target of no one - not liberals like me, not the online misogynists who tear apart women who step out of line. (186)

i think we all care deeply about things that seem totally inconsequential to other people. we all carry around with us the flotsam and jetsam of perceived humiliations that actually mean nothing. we are a mass of vulnerabilities, and who knows what will trigger them? (189)

how could almost identical shamings annihilate one man and leave another without a scratch? (193)

“the way we construct consciousness is to tell the story of ourselves to ourselves, the story of who we believe we are. i feel that a really public shaming or humiliation is a conflict between the person trying to write his own narrative and society trying to write a different narrative for the person. one story tries to overwrite the other. and so to survive you have to own your own story. or you write a third story. you react to the narrative that’s been forced upon you. you have to find a way to disrespect the other narrative. if you believe it, it will crush you.” - mike daisey (200)

then she left new york. “in new york your career is your identity. i had that taken away from me” (justine) (201)

i think she still felt ashamed, but maybe not quite so much. instead, she said, she felt humiliated. (after 5 months) (203)

clive’s point was that the criminal justice system is supposed to repair harm, but most prisoners - young, black - have been incarcerated for acts far less emotionally damaging than the injuries we noncriminals perpetrate upon one another all the time - bad husbands, bad wives, ruthless bosses, bullies, bankers. (228)

james gilligan: the world’s best informed chronicler of what a shaming can do to our inner lives, which is why he’s so opposed to its renaissance on social media (245)

“universal among the violent criminals was the fact that they were keeping a secret, a central secret. and that secret was that they felt ashamed - deeply ashamed, chronically ashamed, acutely ashamed." it was shame, every time. "i have yet to see a serious act of violence that was not provoked by the experience of feeling shamed or humiliated, disrespected and ridiculed. as children, these men were shot, axed, scalded, beat, strangled, tortured, drugged, starved, suffocated, set on fire, thrown out of the window, raped, or prostituted by mothers who were their pimps. for others, words alone shamed and rejected, insulted and humiliated, dishonoured and disgraced, tore down their self esteem, and murdered their soul.” for each of them the shaming “occurred on a scale so extreme, so bizarre, and so frequent that one cannot fail to see that the men who occupy the extreme end of the continuum of violent behaviour in adulthood occupied an equally extreme end of the continuum of violent child abuse earlier in life.” so they grew up and -“all violence being a person’s attempt to replace shame with self esteem” - they murdered people. … and when they were jailed, things only got worse - they were further humiliated because officers thought this was how to get them to obey, when it did the exact opposite and stimulated violence instead. (249)

jonah had a house in hollywood hills and a wife who loved him. he had enough self esteem to get him through. but i think that in front of the giant twitter screen he felt for an instant that same deadness that gillian’s prisoners had described. (250)

therapeutic communities in prisons

the word forever had been coming up a lot during my two years among the publicly shamed. jonah and justine and people like them were being told, “no. there is no door. there is no way back in. we don’t offer any forgiveness.” but we know that people are complicated and have a mixture of flaws and talents and sins. so why do we pretend that we don’t? (255)

This has been a book about people who really didn’t do very much wrong. justine and lindsey, certainly, were destroyed for nothing more than telling bad jokes. and while we were busy steadfastly refusing them forgiveness, jim was quietly arranging the salvation of someone who had committed a far more serious offence. it struck me that if reshaping would work for a maelstrom like raquel, if it would restore someone like her to health, then we need to think twice about raining down vengeance and anger as our default position. (260)

the sad thing was that lindsey had incurred the internet’s wrath because she was impudent and playful and foolhardy and outspoken. and now here she was, working with farukh to reduce herself to safe banalities - to cats and ice cream and top 40 chart music. we were creating a world where the smartest way to survive is to be bland. (266) [not sure if this is true, though i do think there may be a chilling effect/more calculated curating is encouraged]

“it’s the algorithm shifting things around and wondering what, from a mathematical standpoint, is the story that needs ob e told about this person.” (268)

“but there is a chilling of behaviour that goes along with virtual lynching. there is a life modification. … they have signs of PTSD. it’s like the stasi. we’re creating a culture where people feel constantly surveilled, where people are afraid to be themselves.” (268)

our own social media surveillance network (269)

of course, no prurient or censorious bureaucrat had intercepted justine sack’s private thoughts. justine had tweeted them herself, labouring under the misapprehension - the same one i laboured under for a while - that twitter was a safe place to tell the truth about yourself to strangers. that truth telling had really proven to be an idealistic experiment gone wrong. (270)

social media gives a voice to voiceless people - its egalitarianism is its greatest quality. (271)

“but its scary. after all that’s happened, what’s funny to me… i don’t want to go anywhere near the line, let alone cross it. so i’m constantly saying, ‘i don’t know farukh, what do you think?’” (272)

michael fertik: “the biggest lie is the internet is about you. we like to think of ourselves as people who have choice and taste and personalised content. but the internet isn’t about us. it’s about the companies that dominate the data flows of the internet.” (276) … google make many when anything happens online, even the bad stuff.

scott kelley, your speed signs, feedback loops, thomas goetz ‘harnessing the power of feedback loops’

adam curtis: echo chambers, “they got trapped in the system of feedback reinforcement. … feedback is an engineering principle, and all engineering is devoted to trying to keep the thing you are building stable.” (281)

“i suddenly feel with social media like i’m tiptoeing around an unpredictable, angry, unbalanced parent who might strike out at any moment … it’s horrible.” … we see ourselves as nonconformist, but i think all of this is creating a more conformist, conservative age. (282)

how twitter mutated from a place of unselfish conscious honesty into something more anxiety inducing

people he spoke to: luke robert mason, michael moynihan/jonah lehrer, justine sacco (twitter aids girl), judge ted poe, gustave lebon (research referenced), dave eshelman/zimbardo, adria richards, max mosley, mercedes haefer, princess donna dolore, brad blanton, andrew ferreira/alexis wright, mike daisley, lindsey stone, michael fertik, clive stafford smith, jim mcgreevey, james gilligan, scott kelley

#book #so you've been publicly shamed #digital society #social media

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a-h-arts · 8 years ago

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3.0 out of 5 stars My Secret Should Have Been Kept Just a Little Bit Longer...Could Have been Better

4.0 out of 5 stars A little disappointing I'm a huge fan of PostSecret and now own both of the PostSecret books. I thought the first book was AMAZING. I loved every page of it. I was incredibly excited to own My Secret as well. I bought it today and was a little disappointed in the length; a significant 144 pages shorter than the first. I was also a little disappointed with parts of the layout. It seemed to me there were too many enlarged postcards fitting 2 pages as well as quotes considering the length of the book. There could have been a better use for those pages such as more meaningful postcards or additional quotes.Regardless of my disappointment, I still recommend this book (as well as the website and first book). The postcards and quotes were well chosen. Overall, it was a good investment. Good job, Frank! Go to Amazon

5.0 out of 5 stars Awesome! I spent a month waiting to get this book, wondering if by some chance a hand-made card I sent late last spring in was in here. Well, it's not, but that's probably a good thing. Although I should maybe look it over again before I say this, my first reading makes me think this book is even better than the first Post Secret collection that came out months back. The idea that in reading this book and visiting the Post Secret website one is reading confessions from what amounts to the inner world of anonymous people is to me a uniquely interesting thing. Some of the secrets a reader is let in on are profound, some are disgusting and a few are desperately pathetic. The secrets, sent in on postcards that at times reach levels of genuine beauty, cover all subjects, from covert family rivalries, to hidden misdeeds, sexual longings and weighty personal failures, to fears, desires, regrets, and many more sorts of matters. Overall the revealed secrets combine to create a truly valid art form. I enjoy Post Secret, and hope this project continues online and in printed form for years to come. Frank Warren's My Secret is a book well worth its cover price. Go to Amazon

2.0 out of 5 stars Short and not so sweet. This book was did not even come close to being as good as the first one. If you have read the first one, you will be disappointed. This one is considerably shorter. The first book, I spent a good couple of hours pouring over the secrets of strangers. In this book, I spent perhaps on an hour at most before I finished the book entirely. The secrets seem somewhat the same and there is not much diversity overall. There are layout problems like the first one, but they aren't as many...If you are thinking about buying this book now, wait. You might enjoy it more if you did not spend you money and borrowed it or read it at the bookstore.I recommend the first book, PostSecret. It is far better, lasts longer, and leaves you wanting more whereas the MySecret leaves you with a slightly weird aftertaste.I still love Frank Warren, though. Go to Amazon

2.0 out of 5 stars Had high expectations for this one I was excited to finally get this book in the mail, but I felt unmoved after I looked through it. I sat and read through it all in one sitting like I did with the first book, but it felt as though everything was rushed. The book was lacking in variety and seemed almost repetetive. Some of the secrets really touched me (don't get me wrong), but the overall impact of the book was lukewarm at best. If you haven't yet, I would suggest reading the first book over this one. Go to Amazon

4.0 out of 5 stars short and familiar My Secret is Frank Warren's second collection of PostSecret postcards. To give a quick overview of what this is all about - PostSecret is described as a "community art project" where strangers mail Warren a postcard with a very personal secret which they have never shared with anyone before. The Postcard is typically decorated with some sort of artwork that describes the secret being sent. Every Sunday Warren posts them on his PostSecret blog, but he has also published three collections of the postcards. My Secret: A PostSecret Book is the second of the three collections.What is first notable about My Secret is that it is quite a bit smaller than PostSecret: Extraordinary Confessions from Ordinary Lives. Without measuring or weighing the book, I would suggest that My Secret is approximately half the size. What this means is that there is far less content for your dollar.The second thing to point out is that some of these postcards may have been recycled from the first volume. I have not confirmed this by comparing the two books side by side, but some of the postcards were suspiciously familiar. If some of them were not reused, they are very similar to the postcards of volume one with mostly the same content.This may come across as a knock on My Secret, and in a sense it is, but if we look at My Secret as an individual volume standing alone, the second complaint falls away. My Secret is a collection of some funny and heartbreaking secrets that anyone may have sent in. Considering the volume of postcards Warren has received, any of our neighbors may have a postcard on the website or in a book at any given time. This is what is special about the PostSecret project and in turn about each of the collections.Read more › Go to Amazon

#Historical #art #book

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