#are you all secretly coordinating your offenses?? jesus

[umemiyan]

funny how multiple different neighbors can all be completely insufferable at the same time

[timeisacephalopod]

Dramatics

I got bored so I figured what the fuck, why not another of the Peter Q/Stephen/ Tony YouTube AU shorts.

When Peter reads the topic this week he laughs and Tony grins because yeah, he figured Peter would enjoy that. And this week they have special guest Wong to back up all their crazy ‘Stephen Did A Really Dramatic Thing’ stories. Stephen glares at him because he doesn’t have a facial expression in between pleased and pissed and that has led to a whole lot of audience questions that are mostly ‘how do you know when he’s actually mad’ and the answer is that Stephen is screaming. Usually not literally, but he’s got a penchant for complaining that Peter and Tony have discovered is a trait they both found secretly appealing. Tony because he can use Stephen’s inability to keep his opinions to himself as a way to drive off reporters and Peter because he thinks its funny to set Stephen on people like some kind of personal pit bull.

In his defense it actually is pretty hilarious to watch this happen.

“Well, what’s the topic?” he asks and Tony hands the slip of paper to Wong, who reads it and lets out a loud snort. They don’t say anything to Stephen because all three of them know that if they say anything Stephen will deny all dramatics, but if they keep him dangling he’ll do something dramatic. Then he can’t deny his tendency to put on one hell of a show one hundred percent of the time.

“This is going to be fun,” Wong says, grinning.

Stephen squints at him, “how the hell is anything supposed to be fun when I don’t know what we’re doing?” he asks and they all start laughing.

“Exhibit A in Stephen Is Dramatic,” Peter says. “Obviously none of us can have fun if you don’t know what we’re doing.”

Stephen sticks his nose in the air, “its not my fault its true. And I am not dramatic,” he says like he didn’t just decide that it’s impossible for Tony, Wong, and Peter to have fun without him.

“Yes you are Stephen, face it. You’re more dramatic than Tony and that’s difficult to do when the man has literally coordinated pyrotechnics to his entrances,” Wong points out.

“In my defense,” Tony says, “that was Stark Expo and it was an important event.” Also he’s always wanted to walk into pyrotechnics and that seemed like a good way to fulfill his childhood dreams. Wong doesn’t seem to think this serves as a useable defense if the look on his face is any indication. Well, its not Tony’s fault Wong is no fun.

Peter snorts, “its funny that I write movies because living with the two of you is basically like living one.”

Stephen takes much more offense to this than he does. “I am not like living in a movie, I am a doctor and to most people that’s boring,” he says.

“A doctor that does a lot of international conferences, has revolutionized the way people do surgery, and has made significant headway in research in various fields related to spinal surgery. That’s not really boring,” Tony points out. “Its me, but with people instead of technology.”

“Right down to the flashy personality, ridiculous cars, and arrogant attitude,” Wong agrees but Peter wrinkles his nose.

“Tony is fake arrogant, Stephen is arrogant arrogant,” he says.

Wong presses his hand to his heart, “that’s so beautiful and eloquent, I can see how you managed to get several writing jobs,” he says sarcastically. Peter flips him off but Wong remains unaffected.

“I am not arrogant arrogant,” Stephen says, “but I agree that Tony is mostly good at faking it. Give him a sad child and a kitten though and he’ll show his true colors.”

Honest to fucking god Wong pulls an actual ass cat out of the bag sitting at his feet and hands it to Tony, who takes the furry little bugger immediately. “Why aren’t we doing a video on Wong’s dramatics,” Stephen says, frowning at him.

“Because I never insisted anyone call my cape a cloak,” Wong says.

“Or decided to get my colleagues to quiz me on seventies music while doing surgery just to prove how smart and able to multitask I am,” Peter says.

“Or convinced a guy’s girlfriend to dump him just so he’ll stop driving up the price of the rare car you want and can’t even drive,” Tony adds, petting the cat’s head.

Stephen squints at him, “I know how to drive,” he says.

Tony snorts, “yeah, if you consider stomping on the gas petal and riding your breaks like you do my ass driving. Your cars are screaming at you Stephen, I know this because I’m the one servicing them. Please stop killing your break pads,” he says. And he has to go fast everywhere. Like sure, Tony loves speed, always has, but Stephen lives on it and has a bad habit of being a distracted driver.

“I’m not worse than Peter,” Stephen says and Tony lets out a laugh.

“Honey, that’s like me saying I’m not a bad surgeon because I’m more competent than a fucking gibbon. Peter drives like he fucks- absolutely crazy, entirely selfish, not really aware of what he’s doing, but somehow ends up at his destination in one piece with everyone else there with him even if you have no clue how you got there,” he says.

Wong bursts out laughing, doubling over. “That is probably the best description of sex I have ever heard,” he wheezes out while Stephen joins him in laughing. Peter looks offended though.

“Am I really that bad at sex?” he asks and Tony shrugs.

“As a sex style I don’t understand how its working for me but it does. As a driving style, I’d rather trust Jesus to take the wheel and I don’t even believe he exists.” That is, he’s sure, probably because of the bad luck he’s had with cars he isn’t driving but that’s not the point. A goddamn goat probably has more skill than Peter behind the wheel.

“He’s right,” Stephen wheezes, “that’s exactly how you drive and fuck. That’s so funny.”

“Okay you know what, this video should have been about dramatic Tony is,” Peter says.

“I don’t necessarily agree, but technically we’re supposed to be talking about Stephen’s dramatics,” Wong says, preforming wrangling duties like he belongs in these videos. Clearly he keeps up with them if he knows to play into the existing structure and running joke. Funny, because Stephen doesn’t think Wong watches them at all and he’s sure Wong lets him believe that for whatever reason. The man is a more subtle dramatic most of the time, but dramatic nonetheless.

“Right, yeah, lets talk not talk about my totally normal not bad sex habits,” Peter says. “Stephen once decided to learn magic and insisted everyone call him ‘Sorcerer Supreme’.”

Tony snorts and starts laughing because he forgot about that. Stephen’s magic phase was short lived, but he did manage to learn quite a lot so now its a useful party trick he uses to steal drunk people’s keys at parties. Tony thinks that’s for the best even if Stephen’s ability with sleight of hand is much better than simple key stealing tricks.

“I was good, I deserved credit,” Stephen says, nose in the air.

“You were good sure, but that good? Eh,” Tony says, shrugging.

Stephen gives him an annoyed look before he sits up and Tony swears to a god he doesn’t even believe in that Stephen pulls a fucking bowl of goldfish out of nowhere. “Those aren’t real fish,” he says, handing the cat off to Wong before reaching for the bowl. Stephen lets him take it until he sticks his hand in there and lets out a loud yelp as Stephen pulls the bowl back.

“You don’t grab fish, Tony!” he yells as Peter does the same thing Tony does and reacts the same way as Stephen pulls the bowl away from him too. “I just told Tony not to grab the fish!” Stephen tells him. “What is wrong with the pair of you?”

Wong hands the cat back to Tony and pulls the bowl from Stephen’s hands and looks into it. “Yeah, those are definitely real fish. Where were you hiding four fish, a bowl, and all the water? I know you didn’t have all that on you when you sat down,” he says.

Stephen sticks his nose in the air, “I am the Sorcerer Supreme,” he says in a haughty tone.

Peter stares at Stephen like he’s preformed a miracle but Tony knows there has to be some kind of explanation. But who the hell keeps a bunch of fish, a tank, the water, and the rocks at the bottom of the bowl on them at all times? And how did he assemble all that in less than seconds when Tony knows there was no fish bowl hiding under his clothing. He’s wearing normal clothes, there’s nowhere for him to hide the bowl. But he had to manage somehow.

“This is why we’re making an entire video about your dramatics,” Wong points out, preforming wrangling duties again.

“You know what,” Stephen says, “I resent that I’m the dramatic one when Peter has cost people literal millions of dollars all in an effort to fund his self insert characters that are really his way of trying to avoid actual therapy for his daddy issues. And then he cast his boyfriend as his fake father- I feel that this is more dramatic than the fish,” he says matter-of-factly. 

Tony and Peter let out twin noises of disgust because they’d only just gotten past that. “Can’t you shut the fuck up about that?” Tony asks, wrinkling his nose at Stephen.

“No, because its true. And mini Peter is fake child Peter that you mentored into manhood. How do you feel about mentoring your boyfriend’s self insert into manhood?” he asks, smiling because he damn well knows he’s just ensured that Peter and Tony won’t be able to look each other in the eye for the next month or better. Shooting the damn movie was bad enough even if Peter is actually a pretty good director though it helps that he knows Tony well.

“This is why the video is centered on your dramatics, Stephen. Its not like the other two weaponize your parental relationships they way you do just because you like being the center of attention,” Wong says, going back to wrangling. Dude is good, Tony might keep him.

Peter frowns, “okay but how does this get him more attention?” he asks and Wong looks at him like he’s stupid.

“With you two alienated from each other you both pay attention to him more. He’s terrible really, he could have just asked for more attention like a normal person but instead he went through this convoluted plan to trap you both in your own web of daddy issues. Dramatic,” he points out.

Peter and Tony look at Stephen, who shrinks into his seat as his cheeks turn a little red. “Wong is lying,” he says with zero conviction.

*

Christine snorts, “he claimed he wasn’t dramatic? He should listen to the way he describes the other doctors at the hospital then. He once said that Glen was so old the Grim Reaper was reaching out and clutching his heart for safekeeping,” she says. “Then went on to point out he’s ‘lucky that he works in a hospital otherwise he would have surely turned to dust by now,’” she adds and they all know that last bit was Stephen’s phrasing. Christine isn’t that dramatic nor does she have a flair for flowery language like Stephen.

“That’s nothing- it turns out he’s been sabotaging mine and Tony’s relationship just to get more attention. He could have just asked,” Peter points out but no, Stephen can’t be a normal human.

“Oh yeah, he does that. Don’t let him get away with it, he’s like a kid. Give him an inch and he’ll take every mile he can squeeze out of you,” Christine says. “A good way to get him out of that habit is to do the opposite of what he wants. And he’s a fast learner.”

Tony and Peter exchange a look, knowing that they’re both keeping that in mind for later. Damn Stephen. “So,” Tony says, “did Wong give you a cat too? Because he’s given us three and Stephen hates them all as much as they love him.” Its like he’s catnip and he hates it. Tony doesn’t mind though, he’ll stand near Stephen and when he doesn’t pet them they go to him and he loves all the cats. Peter mostly doesn’t care about them until he trips on them in the kitchen.

Christine sighs, “yes, I have two. Where is he getting all these cats and why is he pawning them off on us? I had to go buy a cat tree yesterday so they’ll be entertained when I’m not home,” she says.

“Wong’s cat that he previously thought was a fat neutered male cat turned out to be a very pregnant female cat so he has some spare cats,” Stephen explains as he enters the room. The cats mill around his feet as he tries, and fails, to escape them. “Please rid me of these damn fang-y beasts,” he adds as he beelines to Tony.

Tony decides to put Christine’s words into practice and he calls the cats over but ignores Stephen. He watches as Stephen looks over to Peter, but he’s trying to get the attention of the third cat that’s just out of Tony’s reach. Then he looks at Christine, who decides to pick up one of the cats at Tony’s feet. “How come Wong gave you guys the cuter ones?” she asks. “One of mine looks like it has butt hole eyes and there’s nothing wrong with it, I took it to the vet to make sure,” she says.

Peter lets out a sharp laugh that scares off the kitten at his feet, “oh my god, come back kitty I didn’t mean to scare you!” Peter says, offering the cat a bad apology before he tries to call it back.

“I don’t know, maybe Wong decided you like the ugly ones. You had that pug in college,” he points out. And fuck was that thing ever a product of its entirely fucked up genetics. It looked in two different directions, the tongue hanging out of its mouth was nearly poking it in the eye, and Tony swears that one of its legs were shorter than the rest. That thing was a caution of science gone wrong but Stephen reports that Christine loved that ugly ass mutt.

“You leave Maribelle alone, she was a proper lady,” Christine tells him.

*

Peter and Tony are watching Rocket’s rough cut of Peter’s latest way of working out his daddy issues and Tony has to admit its good. A ton of shit still needs to be cut out, but its good. Mini Peter gives a great performance and Tony knows he’s acting, but it looks so natural that it doesn’t seem like he is. “You did an amazing job,” Peter says, wrapping an arm around his waist.

He smiles, “thank your directions, I don’t know how to act,” he says.

“That’s not true, you act all the time. Peter, cut that entire scene that’s basically just Tony laughing at Mini Peter’s jokes, its useless to the plot even if its cute. And that weird three minute scene where Tony is just standing there. Who’s bad style choice was that? I like the fishing scene but it should go too, its just Tony screaming at fish that I notice he does not try to grab,” Stephen says, giving him a look. Okay it was one time and forgive him for thinking it was nuts that Stephen had actual goddamn fish in a bowl he pulled out of literally nowhere. He’s gone through that video frame by frame and he still can’t figure out how he did it. The bowl wasn’t there and then it was. Like actual magic but Tony refuses to believe that.

They ignore Stephen still, deciding to steep him in his own stupid manipulation tactics for a little while longer while he stands there looking like a tit on a log. “Okay fine, I’m sorry I messed with your relationship please pay attention to me,” he says finally. Tony and Peter must be thinking along the same line because they both snort and start laughing before Tony extends his arm to Stephen, not looking away from the screen.

Stephen happily plods over, throwing himself on the couch beside them before laying down with his head in Tony’s lap. Peter shifts so his arm is on Stephen’s shoulder and Tony pets his hair. “That’s what you get for being an ass,” Tony tells him. “Also I think the way this turned out is not very much like Peter’s usual dad self inserts. I think Rocket heard us crying,” he says.

Peter shakes his head. “Nah, he just knows how to find the best takes and sticks them together to make a somewhat cohesive storyline,” Peter says. “So I guess the best scenes deviated from my original script. Also Stephen that’s all good advice, I was thinking the same thing but honestly at this point I’m too involved to know what’s good and what’s bad.”

That, and Tony knows Rocket probably realized that right away that the cutesy scenes didn’t work but kept them in for Peter to come to the same conclusion. They’d been relevant in the script, but not so much once it’d been shot. Turns out he and Mini Peter have enough on screen chemistry to believably build a relationship without all the bonding scenes they had in there before. Well, there were only like four but still.

They sit and watch the rough cut for another good twenty minutes before Stephen speaks again. “Are you even acting?” he asks Tony. “Because this doesn’t look like you’re acting at all.”

“I am, yeah. Peter gave me good directions,” he says but Peter snorts.

“Good directing gets you a lot, but it doesn’t replace talent. You were an actor in another life,” he says.

“Technically he’s an actor in this one too,” Stephen points out. “But he should have made a career out of it. You’re better than most current actors. Certainly better than Nicolas Cage,” he says.

Tony sighs, “remember what I said about the gibbon? This is another gibbon.”

Peter snorts and starts laughing. “I’m keeping that.”