#anyways sadness kills us how can they just decide humans don’t feel as strongly as Vulcans

[theshadowrealmitself]

I just need Vulcans to hear about bunnies dying from loneliness and looking it up to see if anything similar like that happens to Humans just to find out we can die from heartbreak

[popopretty]

Storm Bringer Spoilers (2)

I translated another part from the novel to give a bit more insights on Dazai’s scheme this time. This time from the perspective of Adam, the AI inspector. Even though it may sound contradictory to what Dazai told Verlaine before, I personally think that they were not all lies, which is kinda sad and terrifying at the same time. 

Feel free to re-translate it if you want. Just note that I am not 100% confident with my translation and some of the meanings might be lost through bridge-translation. 

[CODE;03] 

....

A rain of bullets flew towards me. I opened the shock-resistant shield from my forearm. This shield is like an umbrella. It is coated by a superalloy that is resistant to heat and shock. It can ward off most small-scale mass attacks. It is a custom-made product that was designed to withstand the high energy of Arahabaki. All the full metal jacket bullet slid through the surface of the shield and landed behind me. Three shots didn’t slide but stopped when touching the surface, peeling off the alloy surface with their kinetic energy. But the damage was minor.

I leapt with my shield still raising. I stepped on the soldiers’ rifles and did a double leap. Upon landing at the wall behind them, I bounced back and hit them from the back. It was a light attack that can break some ribs, I knew it from the sensor. First one down. While I was still above the soldiers, I bent my leg like a sickle and swept the legs of another one, knocking him off the ground. When he fell down, I injected him with a dose of medicine from the needle on my finger. That made two.

However, while I was busy suppressing these two soldiers, the other one had more than enough time to raise their guns. Three of them were aiming at me. My hands were both on the floor and bearing my body weight, I couldn’t raise my shield. I did a high-speed search for a countermeasure. None of them would make it in time. 

I ended up not needing a countermeasure. 

The soldiers spasmed with the sound from an electric shock and dropped their guns. After a few seconds of agony, they lost their strength and collapsed.

I didn’t do anything. 

Behind the soldiers, from the corridor on the other side of the door, I saw the savior who saved my day. That was someone I really didn’t expect.

“How boring.”, that person said as he lowered his Taser gun. “You use electric to knock down people, but all they do is to collapse. Boring.”

“You are... Port Mafia’s...”

Dazai Osamu.

The person who brought Chuuya-sama to the Port Mafia. 

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Inspector. Where is Chuuya?”

The boy of the same age as Chuuya-sama asked me, as he threw off the Taser gun. 

“Chuuya-sama is...”

“Well, based on the time, has he been caught? Or is it about time he was rescued?” Dazai-san walked over the unconscious soldiers and came towards me. “If that’s the case then it’s not fun at all. I couldn’t see Chuuya weeping when he was tortured.”

“Tortured? Chuuya-sama?”

So Chuuya-sama was captured and tortured? It’s possible. But how can this boy know all of that? Why is he here in the first place? If I remember correctly, Dazai-san is the nullification ability user, the trump card against Verlaine. And I am pretty sure we tried to contact him because of that but couldn’t get through at all. So why is he here, right now?

“You will ask me why I came. I will answer, “Because it is a part of the plan.”. You will ask me what the plan is. And I will answer, “Everything. From the beginning to the end, I have this whole Verlaine incident in the palm of my hand. And then you will ask what I mean by that.”

In order to understand what Dazai-san said, I analyzed the information with high priority by my processor. However, Dazai-san’s thinking was even faster than that. I had to give it my best just to catch up with him.

“I will then say, everything literally means everything. All Verlaine’s targets, including the detective and the researcher, were decided based on the information that I gave him. It means his assassination planning procedure is also my procedure. Now you will ask me, “Why did you do such a thing?”” 

That’s it. That’s exactly what I want to know. What Dazai-san said just now strongly suggested that he had joined hands with Verlaine. There is a high possibility that he was the one who pulled the strings behind the death of the detective, and Chuuya-sama’s current serious situation. In another word, betrayal. Depending on his response, it might become another battle here. 

However, Dazai-san’s final answer was far beyond my expectation. 

“To buy time, before Verlaine could get to his final target. His final target is Port Mafia’s Boss, Mori Ougai. Mori san was supposed to be the first in his list, but thanks to me handing him the list, he has been changed to the last one. Thanks to the time I have bought, I am almost done with a plan to reverse-assassinate him. But before that, I have one last thing to finish.”, Dazai-san said with a smile as he reached out his hand and helped me get up. 

Then he stared into the middle of nowhere, and said with the eyes of a wizard who could see through everything, “Chuuya will kill N at this rate. Then he will cease to be human. But I want to see Chuuya suffering as a human. So I’m going to stop him.”

***

The alarm went off as if the disaster that will destroy the world has finally come. The emergency lights went red and the scene of the facility changed completely. It is like we were inside a monster’s stomach. The wireless feeds were released to all the general staff and the warnings were being called repeatedly on all lines.  

Intruders in the Lab area. The internal information staff are to dispose of the prescribed materials and leave the premise immediately. The operation staff are to be ready for action with first-class equipment. This is not a drill. This is not a drill.

I continued my work, while removing the noisy warnings from my hearing options. We pushed the unconscious Shirase-san into the equipment storage room. I closed the door and applied the electric lock.

“I have changed the lock here into the time-varying encryption type. That way, Shirase-san will be safe for a while.”

“Thank you. Next is Chuuya.”, Dazai-san said so then walked away as if he didn’t care about Shirase-san at all.

“Please wait, Dazai-san.”, I called out to him. “About Chuuya-sama, you just said “as a human being”? Do you know if Chuuya-sama is a human or not?”

I somehow had a strange expectation that a person like him would know the truth. I didn’t have any reasons, but I felt that. It’s human’s arrogance to think that intuition and inspiration do not exist for us machines. If it’s something humans can do, then I can do it too. 

“I don’t know.”, Dazai-san said simply. But his eyes slightly narrowed like he was having some deep thoughts. “Both N and Verlained said that Chuuya was not human. But I think there is more than that. Because I have read this notebook, this Rimbaud’s Memoir. To some extents, the incidents this time all started from this memoir.”, Dazai-san said, taking out an old leather-bound notebook from his pocket.

Rimbaud’s Memoir!

I quickly scanned the notebook that Dazai-san had. This might be the real thing. This might be. Rimbaud’s Memoir is a kind of journal that the dead spy Rimbaud kept in secret before his mission. It contains information related to the spy missions during the Great War, so even though there were rumors about it, there was no information that it has ever been found. 

“Just what have you done to get your hand on that?”

“You can try to ask, but I will just tell you lies anyway. Because I am a liar.”

A mysterious smile appeared on Dazai-san’s face. I ran him through my lie detector sensors but there was no responses. His vital signs are almost the same as of a sleeping person. The output data is too normal for such a condition. This is not normal. Just who in the world is this boy?

“We do not really have time to hold a tea party and chat here. We have to find Chuuya first.”, Dazai-san scratched the back of his neck and said with a dim voice. 

“How can we find him?”

“Finding Chuuya is always easy.”, Dazai-san smiled as if he already saw through everything. “We just look in the direction with the loudest noise.” 

....

[heniareth]

I was really curious about what your opinions on the DAO companions are :) I know we have talked about some, but I'd love to hear more and about the others as well :D I hope it's ok to pose this as an ask :)

Sure! That sounds like a ton of fun. This might be a long one tho. Mind you, this is not the finished version of the answer. I'd like to link stuff and add a cut, but rn that's not possible. I'll update it when I can.

Edit: I have updated it ^^

Let's go alphabetically bc why not.

Alistair:

Sweet guy. So sweet. There was a moment when I was hard pressed chosing between him and Zevran (alas, Zevran won). Also, he's weirdly tall according to the wiki? How did I not notice that before?

Let's get a bit more serious now, Alistair is a great guy. The only reason he's not the hero of the story is because he doesn't want to. He has all the qualities of a leader: he's good at dealing with conflict (as evident with the conversation with the mage at the beginning. He gets where he wants to get without antagonizing the mage, but without allowing him to trample all over him). He's a solid tactitian and knows how to make allies (he suggests to use the Grey Warden treaties, after all). I bet if he was in the leadership position, he'd even not bicker with Morrigan. His moral code is pretty tight; some might say too tight, but I think it's less about the moral code and more about learning to judge people by their actions, not by the labels they fit into (Morrigan is a proud apostate and therefore bad. Wynne is a humble circle mage and therefore good). He also has a bit of a black-and-white way of seeing the world. I empathize a lot with Alistair, especially with his experience with the Chantry and his subsequent reluctance to deal with it. I really wish I had gotten to know more about concrete experiences he had during his training as templar, but he seems reluctant to talk about it (gee, I wonder why).

Since I've only played the game once, I haven't really picked up on Arl Eamon's abuse towards him, which apparently exists (Isolde, however... I mean, even if he were Eamon's illegitimate son, he's a kid, ma'am, he didn't exactly get to chose his parents. So that's so not okay). Alistair's way of speaking about them both, however, is either sign that he has not come within a hundred miles of acknowledging how much it hurt him, or that he's already gone through the whole process and has decided to forgive them. The latter shows a very strong character; yes, he relies on the approval and leadership of others, he has his issues, but he's already started working on them.

That being said, irl Alistair would be like a little brother to me. I'd tease him relentlessly (all in good fun and I promise to stop if it makes him uncomfortable, but he's just so teasable). I still wish the videogame gave him the chance to take important decisions for himself. But that, of course, would somewhat defeat the point of the game.

Leliana:

Another sweet, sweet person. Her singing voice is amazing. Her belief in the Maker inspires me (I'm a religious person and seeing religious characters represented in a positive light is Very Cool. It's also sometimes a source of discomfort, because the Church has done a lot of very messed up stuff and positive representation can sometimes veer into apologetics for things that should not be excused, but that's a whole other can of worms. The bottom line is that religious characters sometimes work for me and other times don't and Leliana works for me very much bc she's an outsider inside the Chantry).

Leliana is best friend material, tbh. I'd love to get to know her irl, discuss theology and philosophy and maybe even politics? She makes mistakes and has prejudices, but, tbh, so do I. And I do get the feeling that she tries her best to learn. From the times she intervenes in a conversation between the Warden and an NPC, she shows herself to be compassionate and open to the needs of others. What I get from her character is that she genuinely wants to help, which is something that I adore of her. I suspect that she sometimes has a hard time deciding wether she's a good person or not. She has killed and seduced and worked for a morally dubious person, and she doesn't show the same nonchalance about it as Zevran (though they both do discuss their line of work in very... professional terms). This is, however, more of a headcanon than actual factual canon.

I also very much enjoy her girly side, like her interest in shoes and dresses. She's one badass woman who also looses her cool about the latest fashions in Val Royeaux. I like that. Between her and Alistair, a non human noble Warden has as good a help to navigate the Fereldan court as they're going to get. Leliana is also, I can't forget that, clever and insightful. It'd be easy to write her off as the innocent chantry girl, but she's so much more than that. Her kindness is paired with foresight, I think. She knows that taking on the trouble to help now can go a long way in the future. I just have a lot of respect for her.

Loghain:

This one's gonna be short bc I didn't recruit him. He's an amazing villain and would probably be a great Warden as well. He reminds me of Denerhor from LOTR; once a hero/stewart of his people, ambition and desperation have driven them both down a terrible path. I have also only little idea about his past. People say he lost a lot, and I believe it wholeheartedly; it doesn't excuse the fact that he plunged the country into a civil war in the middle of a Blight. I don't have a lot of sympathy for short-sighted politicians. I wish he hadn't made himself regent. That's what I take away from his character.

Edit: One thing I forgot to mention that really impressed me was his death. I had Alistair duel him (that was a rough duel), and then it kinda just jumped to a cutscene of my Warden nodding and Alistair executing him. That didn't sit well with me. I didn't want to kill Loghain, and less so in front of Anora. But what impressed me was that Loghain just accepted it. That takes a whole lot of guts. Compare that to Howe's death, and how he screams out that he deserved (more, probably, or anything but death) and it's crystal clear who the more noble of the two is. Loghain strikes me as very lawful neutral, and any neutral alignment has the particularity that it can be dragged towards good or bad, sometimes without the characters noticing it (which is interesting from a DnD perspective; neutral is often concieved of as just as stable as good or evil, but that may not be true. But that's a different post). Anyway, Loghain's death was impactful.

Morrigan:

I could kick myself for not maxing out her approval in the first play-through. I got to enjoy a bit of her friendship by the end of it and boy was even that little bit worth it. Friendship with Morrigan is something that is hard-won. It's all the more precious because of that.

Morrigan is full of paradoxes, I think. She's incredibly wise in some ways, yet also very short-sighted (”just kill them, don't solve their problems”. Morrigan, dear, I'm not going to gain a lot of allies if I kill everybody who poses a problem to me). She is so intelligent, but emotionally... not so. She knows so much about some things, and very little about the next. She's incredibly wilful and knows what she wants, but follows Flemeth's orders all the time through. She hungers for power and independence, yet craves closeness, but won't allow herself to have it. She asks you to prove yourself to her and is extremely critical of your actions, I think, because she's afraid. She bites the hand that feeds her because it might hit her next.

Like with Eamon, I haven't managed to catch the undercurrent of abuse that seems to permeate Flemeth's relationship with Morrigan. Except there are signs, because there must be something Morrigan is scared of and who has instilled all that rage in her, and that's Flemeth. Also, she clearly hates/does not care about her and wants her dead (unless killing Flemeth was part of Flemeth's plan as well? Hm.)

Morrigan is that one person who you are nice to, continuously, because nobody else is. And suddenly she becomes less cold. And then friendly. And suddenly you're asking yourself why everybody hates her, because she's a really good friend! I just wish the other companions came to a similar conclusion, especially Alistair and Wynne.

Oghren:

They did this man dirty. He has such great lines and I'm convinced he was a great person before Branka disappeared. He has that dwarven warrior spirit, and while he looks like Gimli, some of his most impactful lines remind me of Dwalin or even Thorin Oakenshield himself. He could be so noble had he gotten some character development, damnit!

Oghren as he is written is somewhat disgusting. I hate the lechering comments and the drunkenness. And still, I don't hate him because of those amazing lines he has when he's actually sober. It's frustrating and I'll give him that character development myself if the game won't. I strongly associate the song Whiskey Lullaby with him, bc that's how he would have ended up if the Warden hadn't taken him along (warning: the song talks about suicide and alcoholism). Like I said, they could have done such cool things with his character. As he is written now... it's just sad. Moments of lucidity drowned in alcohol and creepy jokes. As you can see, I don't blame the character for either. The alcoholism happens all too often irl. The creepy jokes... I put that one on the writers' tab.

I actually think Oghren could have been a great mentor figure (I know, I shock myself as well sometimes). Next to the Grey Wardens, the ones who know most about fighting darkspawn are the dwarves because they have to deal with them constantly. Especially a warrior caste dwarf like Oghren could have brought a lot of that invaluable knowledge to the team, especially since there are no Grey Wardens in Ferelden but two extremely green recruits. Next, you get the chance to give Oghren the command of the teammates you leave behind in the battle of Denerim with the reason that he has lead men into battle before. Where did that suddenly come from? Oghren should have been right up there telling my Warden that they were doing this wrong, that they needed more food (and booze) and a confident leader to keep the armies they've called together going. Oghren should have been able to tell my civilian city elf who got recruited into the Grey Wardens a six months ago how one leads an army. How one presents oneself to inspire confidence, how one doesn't crack under the pressure, how one gets the leaders of said armies (some who hate each others guts i.e. Dalish elves and humans) to work together. And, last but not least, Oghren could have had a great story about grief. This is a man who has lost most of what made him (and what he hasn't lost he's spilling down the drain with every mug of ale). This is a man who, if you take him into the Deep Roads, has to see what his wife did to his family, how his wife got absolutely obsessed, and can be forced to kill said wife or watch her die. All Wardens loose their home and families at the start of the story. It would really have rounded the whole narrative out if the Warden and Oghren could have recognised their grief in each other and hashed it out somehow. Such as it is, Oghren is a depressed drunkard and there is nothing we can do about that. I find that frustrating.

Rascal (a.k.a. Dog):

Best boy. 100/10. I wish we had gotten to see the reaction of the different origins to the mabari (because elves probably have a whole different experience with them from mages or humans. And dwarves just... I think they straight up have none? XD). Other than that, no complaints. The name Rascal was the one I gave my dog because you have to be a right rascal to survive what he did and play the pranks he plays. Smartest breed in the world indeed.

Shale:

Shale is one of those characters that I recruited rather late in the game, so I haven't had the chance to explore their personality and worldview, really. I didn't even get to take them to the Deep Roads (this will be ammended in playthrough nr. 2). As such, I don't have particularly strong opinions on them (or her? The wiki refers to Shale as 'it', but that sounds weird). But, because I know so little about Shale, I have a lot of questions. First, what were they like before they were a golem? Shayle, as she was called then, was the best warrior of her time if I remember correctly. Why did she become a golem? Was it to be able to eternally protect her people? Was the sarcasm the golem Shale exhibits also part of the dwarven warrior Shayle or did that come later (if for thirty years you have nobody to talk to but yourself, you better be entertaining. And I can imagine how it could make somebody terribly jaded as well).

Next, how attached is Shale to their golem form, exactly? According to the banter, they infinitely prefer it to a squishy fleshy form. If that is the case, however, why go to Tevinter to try and become a squishy dwarf again? It's not like that process could be reversed if they wanted to become a golem again; if Shale survives to the end of the game, the Anvil of the Void is destroyed and Caridin is dead. Was the whole spiel about their indestructible form a façade? It might have been, but not because Shale actually disliked their form. I think it would have more to do with the loss of their memories and with the very invasive experiments and alterations of Shale's body made by the mage Wilhelm. The loss of memories means that Shale is unable to remember life as a fleshy creature. They might be deflecting by pretending that they didn't care for that experience anyway because of the superiority of their golem form. The modifications made to their form by Wilhelm would have alienated them from their body. In light of this, it's significant that Shale asks the Warden to decorate their form with crystals.

All of this is, of course, pure speculation. I may have easily missed or forgotten details that would disprove the above thoughts. All in all, I like Shale and I hope we meet them again in DA4 (given that it's mostly set in Tevinter). It's a liking from a respectful distance, because Shale is tall and made out of rock and also way more experienced than I will ever be (they are literally the oldest member of the Warden's little Blight fighting squad).

Sten:

Sten is another person I'd keep a respectful distance from physically. That seems to be the what he would prefer, at least. I've enjoyed his character a lot, especially because he seems pretty clear-cut at first, but slowly lets the nuance of his person show (gruff and stoic, but then he has an eye for art, a sweet tooth and he likes cute animals). It's also very interesting that there's no moment when you learn "the truth" about him the way you do with Zevran or Leliana. There's no big reveal about his life under the Qun before coming to Ferelden. He says he was sent to monitor the Blight, but honestly? If neither Ferelden nor Orlais knew there was a Blight, how could the Qunari know? I think he's lying, and he takes his secrets back with him when he leaves Ferelden. And yet I think I know him enough to say that a Warden who has become friends with him has nothing to fear from Sten.

One thing I find very interesting about Sten is how he thinks. His conversation about how women can't be soldiers has been analysed a lot on this page I think. He seems to be arguing based on a different paradigma than the one the Warden has. He also seems to have a very clear-cut view of the world. What is fascinating to me is that, when arguing with the Warden and learning about their culture, he is not necessarily becoming more lax about his worldview. I think it's more likely that he is expanding his paradigma, the structure of thought through which he understands the world. I don't think that he is now convinced that women can be warriors as well. I think he rather understands that, in Ferelden, the relationship between occupation and gender is different than under the Qun. Which of the two he thinks is more right or more agreeable, I have no idea. I'm also not very interested in that. But I find it fascinating how he always seems to be looking on quietly, gathering data, classifying it and trying to fit it into his understanding of how the world works. I wouldn't be surprised at all if his original party was a scouting party to see how vulnerable Ferelden was at that moment to outside forces. One thing I don't understand with all of this is why he urges the Warden to meet the Blight head on. No smart soldier would suggest that, except if they are foolishly proud (and Sten doesn't seem like that kind of guy tbh). I get that the Warden takes way longer to gather allies than expected because they first have to solve all of their allies' problems. But surely Sten sees the need to have allies? Is he just that impatient? Does he have a death wish (à la, I lost my sword and am without honour, better to die sooner than later and in glorious battle)? Was he his group's previous commander and is he now having trouble following somebody else's orders? Or maybe it's his way to make sure the Warden knows what they are doing? To push them into becoming the self-assured commander their allies will need once they're all gathered? I really don't know. I like the last option best, however.

For me, Sten is my fellow, more experienced soldier. Like Alistair, he can potentially be the Warden's brother in arms, but he's definitely the older brother here. He probably doesn't take kindly to tearful confessions of how hard everything is, but I feel like he's otherwise a solid rock to lean on. I feel like the Warden can trust him to do what is necessary and count on him no matter what, especially after they get his sword back. His devotion from that point on is honestly so powerful.

Wynne:

Wynne was such a support for my Warden (except with the whole conversation about love vs. duty and that she may have to choose between Zevran and ending the Blight and that she should therefore break up with him. Wynne had a point. Astala was so not willing to sacrifice her relationship with Zevran. But the whole conversation came at a point where she was already so disillusioned that she blew up in Wynne's face (”can i please just have one (1) nice thing????”)). But all in all, Wynne is great.

She has a lot of flaws. She was very marked by her life in the Cricle and, for all her age, she has little experience living outside of it. She is also a conformist despite her strong moral core. In a way, her ability to find peace with her lot in life impresses me deeply because it speaks to a lot of strength of character. Sadly, however, strength can be ill applied and used to suppress. I think she has convinced herself that the Chantry is right under (almost) all circumstances to be able to rationalize the life that mages live. She's had her son taken away from her as a baby and an apprentice killed. Her reaction seems to have been to convince herself that this was right, or for the greater good (and now I'm thinking about the Guardian's question at the temple of Andraste's Ashes; are you wise or do you just repeat what others have told you? The answer is not as clear-cut as it might be). This is why she is so irritated by Zevran and Morrigan. By aligning herself with the Chantry, she is, in her eyes, good. Zevran and Morrigan are not; they do not conform to Chantry morality and they defend themselves tooth and nails against somebody who would try and convert them. This is something Wynne never allowed herself to do; she always did the "right" thing and it has cost her so much. I'm not saying she was right (it would probably have done her some good to rebel from time to time, and to trust her own gut instinct more), but in light of this, it hardly surprises me that she's so judgamental. She has to be, or she would be forced to confront all the evil she has not fought against all those years and all the hurt that has been caused to her by the very institution she protects (and thank God she only tries to argue and can appreciate it when people have found a good life outside of her comfort zone. If she tried to convince by force or, for example, drag her former apprentice back to the Circle... boy oh boy that would get ugly). If you think about it, Wynne really is a good example for what happens if you live by a philosophy of always choosing the lesser evil.

Something that I keep forgetting over her grandmotherly and dignified character is how damn powerful she is. She has escaped the carnage at Ostagar; HOW!? She protected those mage apprentices in the Circle tower for God knows how long. In the battle of Denerim, she wades through an army and comes out alive on the other side. The wiki lists her age at 40, I think, but that doesn't make a lick of sense unless 75 years of age are the Fereldan equivalent to 100. This lady, about whom people make grandmother jokes, did all that. It's impressive.

Zevran:

You know, I would really love to know what Wynne thinks about the events at Kirkwall in DA2. It might be a disaster for her, or it might pave the way for one last bit of character development. She certainly didn't want to return to the Circle after fighting the Blight. That may be an indicator of some change in her stance on the Circle of Magi.

Edit: I forgot that she is what the Circle considers a literal abomination! Holy cow, how could I forget that?? Anyway, her conversation about what being an abomination means is so... heartbreaking, actually. It's so tentative. So careful. "Am I an abomination? Am I the same thing that has killed my students? The same thing as Uldred? Am I lost and damned? Did I invite this spirit in? Is this my fault?" Like wow, Wynne is going through something huge right there. I love it. I have to continue playing the game to see what it ends up as, but it's fascinating and such a huge thing that she allows the Warden in on that.

Ah, Zevran, my beloved (he has stolen my heart so much it's not even funny anymore). He's funny, he's charming, he's so so loyal and it breaks my heart. Zevran is the one about whom I've read most meta: these three wonderful posts for instance, as well as this one about his possible lack of scars, and this one about his lack of freedom. All of these have influenced my opinion of him and they are great reads.

I have talked about Zevran with you before, so I'll just skip to the new stuff. I have come to conclusion that Zevran is an artist at heart. This is totally not biased by the fact that I also do art, but hear me out. One of his preferred gifts are bars of silver and gold. While those have the obvious utility of basically functioning as money (they can be sold to any silversmith or goldsmith and their value is pretty stable through time and in different countries), there's also this from his codex: "Zevran shows an affinity for the finer things in life—hardly surprising for an Antivan Crow—but his appreciation can be more poetic than he lets on. A simple bar of refined silver or gold, uncomplicated by a craftsman's hammer, is elegantly valuable." Tell me that is not an artist's eye that sees that gold and sees the beauty in it. Then, there's also the meta about Zevran the Seducer which I linked above and link here again. It talks specifically about how he lets himself enjoy the target and be seen in his enjoyment. Tell me that is not an artist's eye that beholds the beauty of something he is set out to destroy. Even his talk about his assassinations show this. He talks about it as an art, the way somebody would talk about the brutal intervention in stone that produces a sculpture. Yes, it's a rationalization of the act of killing and yes killing is still wrong. But he doesn't go on about it on a moral tangent the way Alistair or Wynne would (”this person was bad, killing them was necessary”) or even through the argument of survival like Morrigan would (”it was either them or me and it sure as Hell wasn't going to be me”). He talks about the pleasure of a job well done, of the satisfaction of striking the precise point and executing a plan to the perfection so as to minimize chances of discovery and to make a clean death possible. And pleasure in seeing and in doing, this I firmly believe, is absolutely fundamental for an artist.

My favourite part about my Warden and Zevran as a pairing is that Zevran precisely brings out that ability to take your pleasures as they come and to really savour them. Fighting the Blight is tough; it's so important to find good things amidst the chaos to stay sane. If Astala saves Zevran from himself by offering him a place to stay and a purpose, Zevran saves Astala from herself by keeping her from running herself into the ground trying to save the world.

There are some things I don't like about Zev. The incessant flirting, for example, sometimes makes me uncomfortable (it becomes enjoyable for me once the Warden and him are in a relationship, but before that? Nah, no thanks). I wish he would also leave the other female characters alone (and there's so many more shameless comments of his aimed at Morrigan, Leliana or Wynne than at Alistair or maybe even Sten).

---

And that's my take on the Origins companions (this was rather long. Whew ^^' I hope it was still readable and that you enjoyed it!!) Thank you so much for the ask!! It's been a joy thinking about this. I was worrying at first that the less prominent companions like Sten or Shale wouldn't get as much content but... well XD

[asphyxiateher]

Only Monsters Come Out at Night *Chapter Update*

Chapter 7: The Devil Within Summary: Desdemona has been neglecting her health ever since she murdered her best friend but when the three women she's been bonded to come for a visit, she finds out all sorts of vital information that strengthens the bond she shares with them. Bela has a plan that may or may not piss off her mother but she swears it's for the good of their family. A/N: Thank you all so much for your patience and overwhelming support! I originally intended to end this book with this chapter but with all the comments I've been receiving, I've enjoyed fleshing out my characters even more and adding more to the story than I intended and I love how its turning out so much! I should have more time to work on this story next week since I requested some much needed time off from work. Anyway, please enjoy and thank you all again!

    Desdemona doesn’t know how long it’s been since the incident with Veronica occurred. Ever since it happened, she had been plagued with guilt that eats away at the core of her soul and it seemed impossible to want to do or think about anything else. All she wanted to do these days was linger in the shadows and let the darkness consume her. Her mind is slipping away into nothing, her body slowly deteriorating because she refused to eat, and all she had left was the promise of death as she barely held onto life by a breath. Veronica’s lifeless eyes still haunted Desdemona every time she tried to close her eyes and it made her feel sick to her stomach all over again when she replayed the events of that fateful night. She tossed and turned as the images of Bela, Cassandra, and Daniela feasting upon her best friend’s corpse played in her mind, praising her for the kill as they did so, and the guilt churned within her even more. She wanted to be punished for killing her best friend, she deserved to die and so she lay in the room Alcina transferred her to and decided to rot alone where nobody could see her. Lady Dimitrescu’s daughters assumed that a change of environment would alter Desdemona’s self-destructive behavior, so they moved her to the room next to Bela’s since it was spacious enough to enjoy her other hobbies. Alcina and her daughters soon realized that their human plaything still refused to take care of herself properly and Alcina warned her daughters that if they did not do anything about it soon, Mother Miranda would have another vessel for her ungodly experimentations. This would explain the frequent visitation from all three girls, but today’s visit somehow felt different to Desdemona when she felt their presence outside of her door.

Desdemona sighs when she hears the familiar knocking on the door, a surprise to her at first since Alcina’s daughters didn’t embody politeness. The door swings open and Bela is the first face she sees as always, her sisters following her the moment she steps in and drops off a tray of food. Daniela used to tease her about the untouched trays of food they would walk into but now it was a little worrying. The last thing any of them wanted to do was to put down their favorite human plaything. Cassandra’s eyes linger on the untouched trays of food building up in the corner and rolls her eyes but refused to make a comment in case she offended her pet.

“Tsk, tsk, Desdemona, what shall we ever do with you? We are attempting to accommodate your needs yet you spit in our faces when we demonstrate kindness. That’s quite unfair.” Bela says with a frown as she gives Desdemona a once over, her brows furrowing when she realized the human’s condition was starting to worsen a little.

Desdemona exhales and closes her eyes for a moment before she slowly turns to face all three women. She wants to be furious. She wants to scream at them, throw something in their faces and make them feel small and insignificant but nothing can drown out the sorrow that has swallowed her whole. She opens her mouth to speak but the extreme thirst she feels burning in the back of her throat causes her voice to crack and it seemed nearly impossible to form words because of it.

Cassandra notices how dry her lips are, so she picks up the goblet of water from the tray and walks over to Desdemona’s prone form on the floor. She had been annoyed with the mild inconveniences her pet’s behavior had created but now she was legitimately concerned for her well-being, a concept that had seemed foreign to her. Cassandra loved and cared for her sisters but to care for mortals and the other people Alcina preferred the company of outside of family was beyond her. Still, she felt the need to show Desdemona tough love because she cared.

She kneels on the floor beside the smaller girl and roughly yanks her by the collar so she could force the human to sit upright. Desdemona doesn’t fight it, but she isn’t happy about being touched when she just wants to lay in this room to die. She wonders why they don’t just move on to the next best thing when she is just a passing interest anyway. Her mind is quieted when Cassandra tilts her head and gently compels Desdemona to sip the water continuously.   “This is an improvement, Desdemona. As much as I would personally enjoy forcing this water down your gullet, you are in a fragile state and I would hate to break you, pretty thing. Why do you humans neglect self-care so much? I will never understand how you mortals function like this.” Cassandra tells the smaller girl, an arm now wrapping around her waist possessively as she pulls her tighter against her chest. Bela looks mildly annoyed by the action but doesn’t say anything.

“You will never understand, I’m sorry to say. If you’ve never experienced grief so great that it feels like a tidal wave of pure misery coming down on you, and you suddenly feel yourself being pulled to the bottomless depths of despair that it becomes difficult for you to try and come up for air, so rather than fight the inevitable you let yourself sink because it’s easier to accept your fate, then you will never fully comprehend what I’m going through.” Desdemona replies quietly, taking a few moments in between sips to speak.

Daniela eyes her curiously after she says this and then her eyes flick over to her eldest sister, who seems to have pulled out Desdemona’s phone before she decides to kneel beside Desdemona as well. The rambunctious sibling didn’t want to feel left out so she decides to sit herself on the floor next to her pet, her head resting on Desdemona’s shoulder as one of her hands gripped the younger girl’s thigh. Desdemona was too weak to fight her off but the dark whispers in her mind were soothing her, reminding her that Daniela’s touch was supposed to be comforting. It didn’t matter how depressed she was over the fact that she killed her best friend in order to save Daniela’s life; the bond she shared with all of them made her feel at ease at the same time and this stirred conflicting emotions within her.

 “Help us understand you, Desdemona. Why can’t you seem to move on from this moral dilemma of yours?” Bela asked, showing the other girl her phone and on the screen were all the photos she had taken with friends, family, and strangers she had met at bars and work. The one picture Desdemona couldn’t take her eyes off of was the picture she and Veronica had taken when they were in middle school. Veronica had just gotten her braces and Desdemona was going through her awkward Hot Topic phase and once again, tears began to well up at the fond memories she had with the girl she had betrayed and murdered in cold blood. Veronica Joss was the best friend she had ever had in her life and Desdemona killed her. How could she ever move on from that?

“You don’t get it and you never will. V was my ride or die, and I betrayed her to save your sister’s life. I haven’t known any of you for more than three weeks and the girl whose corpse you desecrated was somebody I had known since I was a little girl. We fought with each other, we loved each other, and we made each other stronger through the years. She was there for me when I came out to my parents as a lesbian, which apparently isn’t a big deal over here, but it was huge for me where I come from and where I come from, stupid people protest bakeries that sell gay pride cookies but defend a cake decorator’s decision to deny gay people service just because of who they love! Veronica kicked a girl’s ass for me when she tried to touch me when I wasn’t ready to be touched. I destroyed a guy’s car with spray paint, my keys, and glitter when he cheated on her with someone she thought was her friend. Veronica put her life on hold when I became depressed our senior year of high school and helped me overcome one of the worst phases of my life. I graduated because of her and you know what I did to repay her for her years of friendship and unwavering loyalty? I fucking killed her and for WHAT!?”  Desdemona yells out, angry tears now spilling out uncontrollably. She has the urge to shove Daniela off of her because her presence was now overwhelming, her presence a reminder that Veronica was dead and there was nothing she could do to bring her back. She glances over at Daniela and her heart stops at the sight of Alcina’s youngest looking down at her with a sad smile on her face, almost as if she looked…remorseful. She feels their connection vibrate with an emotion she can’t seem to place, and it makes her uncomfortable because she knows she has every right to be enraged but looking into Daniela’s glowing yellow eyes, guilt quickly takes over.

Bela doesn’t look bored but the neutral expression on her face bothered Desdemona a bit. Cassandra had the decency to look away for a moment although she was certain it was because Cassandra still didn’t fathom why she felt so strongly about the way things went down recently.

“You are the first human to ever share their experiences with us, you know. When we first met, you were driving me and my sisters wild with a lust we had never known before. We intended to kill you at some point but when we tasted you and you shared with us gifts that no one had ever given to us before, you unknowingly created a bond I know that you can feel. We feel what you feel and it is foreign to us, and I’m sure you can say the same about what you’re feeling whenever you’re near us. I…would, however, like to know more about you, I find myself completely enthralled by your history. The bond between us is growing stronger and I must confess, I’m enjoying the slow development of our relationship immensely.” Bela admits hesitantly as she points to pictures on the phone that she finds interesting.

Desdemona blinks at the revelation. They were all homicidal maniacs that reveled in the misery of others. They killed people for either fun or sustenance and here they were telling her how fond they were of her! The absolute nerve of them all! She should tell them off, attempt to run away and get maimed by Lady Alcina Dimitrescu or something! She shouldn’t put up with any of this, not after she killed Veronica in favor of Daniela. Why can’t she summon the willpower to do the things she wanted to do instead of listening to the stupid dark whispers that have completely numbed out whatever rational thoughts she had left?

 “Why do you care? I have nothing to live for anymore; I lost the only people that ever mattered to me, and I just don’t have the strength to carry on anymore. I should bore you, waste your time, and possibly piss you off until you finally snap and kill me like you wanted to. Why jump through all these hoops just because you’re lonely and you don’t understand how friendships or romantic relationships work? Why don’t you kill me already?” Desdemona presses. She’s disappointed that this doesn’t elicit a reaction out of Bela but both Daniela and Cassandra are now paying close attention to how they’re interacting with one another.

 Bela smiles at that so she puts down the phone to pull out a journal from her satchel that she brought with her. She carefully hands it over to Desdemona and Desdemona raises her eyebrow at the fact that the journal clearly belongs to her mother.

“Why are you giving me this?”

“I want to tell you a story but it involves my mother and how we were created. You may think that we don’t know what love is but we do. We come from drastically different backgrounds, we’re not even the same species, but we have something in common, Desdemona Hawthorne. I want you to listen and pay close attention because we don’t get attached to mortals or form deep bonds with just anyone; you are special to us, Little One and by me sharing our history, we will strengthen our bond and we will have a better understanding of each other. Our love will truly stand the test of time of that I can assure you.” Bela replies before launching into the tale of the four lords of the region, Alcina’s origins, and Mother Miranda’s history and why she continued to experiment on unwilling specimens in the region. Cassandra pitched in when she could. Daniela surprisingly contributed to the conversation more with her knowledge of the Four Lords; she wholeheartedly spoke about Donna Beneviento while she spoke about the other two lords of the region with great distaste. As Desdemona listened to their tales, she found herself eager to learn more, especially when Bela spoke about Miranda with a bitter tone to her voice. There was clearly a rift between her mother and this Miranda figure and Bela made it clear that Alcina looked up to the other woman. There was something to the way Alcina’s daughters frowned whenever Miranda’s name was mentioned and Desdemona herself felt the bond between all of them quiver with fear when they explained the nature of Miranda’s experimentations.

This woman was going to great lengths just to revive her dead daughter, and it did not matter how often she failed, she kept going. Even with Alcina aiding Mother Miranda, Bela suspected that Miranda would throw them all under the metaphorical bus just to cover her tracks.

“You don’t trust Mother Miranda, do you? When she released the lycans on the villagers, it sounds like you think she’s ready to sacrifice the only capable people that have been useful to her if it meant saving her own ass. Why do you feel that way?” Desdemona finally asked when the oppressive silence that followed her tales became too much to endure.

This information she learned…it was tremendous. Just one look at Lady Dimitrescu, and Desdemona wouldn’t have pegged her for a jazz musician or a winemaker, but she was all of that and more. Despite Alcina’s wicked nature and the cruel way she treated her servants, it astounded Desdemona that none of the girls were biologically hers yet she adopted all three of them when she formed a bond with them. If Desdemona were to be perfectly honest, she didn’t think Alcina was capable of love but…her overprotective nature of the girls made sense. While none of the murders or horrifying way they process their wine using maiden blood were in any way justifiable, they were apex predators at the top of the food chain doing what they must in order to maintain survival. They were no ordinary family, but the dynamics were the same and Desdemona can see by the way Bela holds her mother in high regard that they clearly know what love is.

“No, I do not trust Mother Miranda and I fear for my mother’s safety. When your group stumbled upon the village while we were out scouting for leftovers, we were ready to kill you all and have our way with you thinking you had been sent by Miranda to dispatch my mother. It turned out you were foreigners from another land, complete strangers to us and the other lords and the relief I felt knowing that you never even met the revered cult leader of the village was immeasurable. She’s incredibly dangerous, Desdemona, and no matter how often I tell my mother that we ought to cut our ties with her, she will not heed my warnings. While my mother is powerful, she cannot take Miranda on alone and the only other lord we can possibly convince to side with us is Donna Beneviento.” Bela finishes, feeding a spoonful of soup into Desdemona’s mouth. Desdemona didn’t realize how long she’d been distracted but her stomach felt full and looking down, Bela had been feeding her the entire time they had been talking. She was flabbergasted at how they were able to coax her into eating again after starving herself for a few days and she didn’t even notice that it had been happening the entire time. The dark whispers in her mind are telling her to calm herself, that her mistresses were taking care of her in her time of need and that she needed to be grateful. Desdemona obliged, surprisingly, and willfully took another sip of her water that Cassandra had at the ready for her.

When Desdemona slowly breathes in and out, there’s a renewed energy she hadn’t felt in days and the other women must have felt that sudden spark as well through their shared bond when they all turned to look at her.

“Well done, sister, look who’s back. There’s that familiar glow of yours that I’ve grown to love so much.” Cassandra says chuckling. She pushes aside Desdemona’s hair to reveal her collarbone and plants a gentle kiss on the exposed skin.

Daniela excitedly cups Desdemona’s chin and forcefully turns her head to the side so she could kiss her. It was sloppy and a little wet but Desdemona found herself kissing the other woman back just as enthusiastically. Daniela pulls away giggling but pouts when Bela stands up, pulling Desdemona to her feet as well. Bela delicately plays with Desdemona’s fingers for a moment before she raises a hand to cup Desdemona’s cheek. Once again, Desdemona’s inner turmoil from before has vanished and she leans into the touch, causing Bela to smirk. The blonde woman pulls Desdemona closer to her and presses a kiss to her lips, a kiss that leaves Desdemona wanting more. She had wanted nothing to do with them after recent events but here she was letting them touch and kiss her like they didn’t tear Veronica’s corpse apart after she had killed her.

Thinking back on her best friend’s death, Desdemona attempts to step away from Bela but the eldest sister kept her in place and hugged her closely. Because of the height difference, Desdemona’s head fell just a bit under Bela’s breasts and this made it easier for Bela to stroke her hair and whisper sweet nothings to her as if her pretty words could erase her horrendous actions. Maybe it was due to the fact that their bond was strengthening but Desdemona was starting to feel more at ease as her mind once again begins to slip away into nothing.

No longer could she resist the call of Lady Dimitrescu’s daughters whenever they were near her and the inner voice in her head that protested their actions was silenced, dulled, and ignored. In that moment, she wanted nothing more than to please them and to do whatever was asked of her. The traumatizing memory of Veronica’s death was starting to fade away as happiness begins to seep in the longer she remained in Bela’s arms. Desdemona was losing herself, no longer willing to fight the women she was now bonded to and there was nothing she could do about it. She wanted nothing more than to be embraced and loved by Alcina and her daughters as the feeling of being needed and wanted by these exquisite creatures overpowered everything else in her life. They chose her, she was their chosen one, and nothing could top that.

 When Desdemona sighs and slightly pulls away from Bela, she looks up at Bela adoringly, a stark contrast to how she’d been behaving and treating them from earlier before, and Bela looks relieved. She leans down and kisses Desdemona, her arm encircling her waist as she dips her to kiss her even more deeply. When they break apart, Bela smiles at Desdemona and notices the glazed look in her eyes.

“You’re changing, Little One. Until the time comes for your final transformation, we’ll need to keep our wits about us. Either we’ll assist Mother Miranda in finding another vessel to revive her daughter or we’ll be taking her on with hopefully one of the other Lords on mother’s side. Daniela, I need you to write a letter to Donna Beneviento and invite her over for a wine tasting, I’m sure that woman could use company right now. Cassandra, take our dear little Desdemona and clean her up in the bath. We need her presentable as we propose our ideas to our dear friend Donna. We cannot risk Mother overhearing our plans.” Bela says as she passes a dazed and confused Desdemona over to Cassandra. “Do you truly think Donna will be able to help us in any shape or form? I think going behind mother’s back is truly a disastrous idea.” Cassandra tells Bela as she carefully lifts Desdemona and carries her bridal style.

“We cannot risk Miranda betraying our mother first. She’s become reckless as of late and there’s no telling what that woman is capable of. She destroyed the village using the lycans, who’s to say she isn’t planning on sacrificing us all for her own benefit? Either we find a successful vessel or we prepare ourselves to fight; Desdemona’s transformation is nearly complete and we’re going to need her if we plan on luring more people out here.” “What are you going to be doing while we make preparations, Bela?”

“I’m going to make a few inquisitive phone calls to the innkeeper that led our beloved Desdemona over to us. As much as I would love to see Mother put down Miranda once and for all, it would be easier to lure in more victims with great potential. I do not want to see our family fall, not after all we’ve been through and not after we’ve found a loving companion to keep with us. I…love Desdemona, I would like to continue exploring these new feelings with her but not with Miranda behaving the way she has been as of late. You may not see the danger behind her actions, but I do and I will not stand for it.” Bela says determinedly, as she runs her fingers through Desdemona’s thick tresses. Desdemona had fallen asleep in Cassandra’s arms, an effect of the drug she had slipped into her food. They needed to make their case presentable, and Donna’s input would be invaluable, even if she disagreed with their actions. There’s no way Miranda’s actions weren’t suspicious to anybody else so she had to see for herself if the other lords were continuing to follow Miranda’s orders blindly. She loathed to think so little of her own mother, but Alcina’s been trying to prove herself to the other woman for so long that Bela thinks the the effort just wasn’t worth it anymore. They were going to present another vessel to Miranda and if the ritual failed, then they would plan their attack. However, if this next vessel somehow succeeded in reviving Miranda’s daughter, then they could finally cut their ties with the woman and live on peacefully in their castle away from all the bullshit politics. Bela just wanted her family to remain safe, and with Desdemona now bonded to them as their fledgling, Bela had a lot to lose should their plan fail but she was now more determined than ever to make sure their plan worked. She’d never known love outside of family before but this connection with Desdemona opened her up to a whole new world of feelings waiting to be explored and she wasn’t going to lose that. Not now, not ever.

[cherry-valentine]

So I recently read Killing Stalking over the course of two days. The first day was spent fleeing my home from flood waters and so I read the first half of the manwha on my phone in the parking lot of a grocery store. I was so absorbed in the story that I didn’t have time to worry about whether or not my house was washing away (it didn’t, and there was no damage, thanks for asking). I know I was pretty late to the party on this one, and it wasn’t because I wanted to avoid the series. To be honest it sounded like something I would love from the moment I heard about it, but at the time, I was busy and ended up forgetting it. I saw some pictures from it on Tumblr a few days back, was reminded, and decided to give it a shot. I have some feelings and random opinions on it that I felt like sharing. Most of these will include spoilers for the entire story, so be warned. Also: TW: ABUSE

But first, my non-spoilery plea to others who haven’t read it (and I guess the first thing I wanted to talk about): If you’re avoiding the series because you’ve heard that it glorifies or romanticizes abusive relationships, you can put that concern to rest. I honestly don’t know how anyone can walk away from the series with that take. The relationship portrayed in the series is nightmarish, and even the parts that aren’t so nightmarish are tense and very much realistic in the way abusive relationships actually work. Abusers aren’t abusive 100% of the time, and that’s what makes them so insidious. If they were terrible all the time, it would be much easier to hate them, leave them, and forget them. Instead, they are often kind, generous, and loving between incidents of abuse. This is to keep their victims emotionally attached to them. For many of these abusers, they may even feel actual love for their victims (a twisted, selfish love for sure, but I’ve always been of the belief that love can be a bad thing in certain situations). So even though there are moments in the series where the relationship seems to be going “well”, there’s always a sense of dread hanging over it, the feeling that at any moment, things are going to explode.

From here on out, there are !!MAJOR SPOILERS!! for the entire series.

A lot of people have identified the most sad or tragic or painful moments for them while reading, and those moments vary quite a bit between people. For me, the moment that gouged out my heart, the moment that was such a punch to the gut that I almost felt physical pain, was just a tiny thing. Toward the end, the first time Bum tries to go to the hospital Sangwoo is at, and the cab driver treats him like shit, Bum thinks “Why does everyone treat me like this?” And then we see flashbacks of moments when Sangwoo was kind to him. And... that right there. That got me. The fact that his abuser, the person who had treated him so cruelly, was also the only person who had treated him with actual kindness, broke my heart. The fact that he’d lived his whole life and experienced nothing but cruelty or indifference or betrayal. The only person who ever made him feel special, feel loved, was also the person who had tormented him. And it hurt so much to read, because I know that’s how many real life abuse victims feel. It was, in my opinion, the most tragic aspect of the series.

My last opinion might be a little controversial. Something I noticed when checking out the fandom for the series was how anyone who even hinted that they’d like for Sangwoo and Bum to be happy together was met with absolute hate and fury (slinging around lots of terrible insults like “failed abortion” and things I won’t repeat here - like yeah great idea explaining how abusive relationships are bad by being verbally abusive). Now, as a logical adult, I know it would be totally impossible for them to have a happy relationship (and indeed they didn’t). I didn’t even want them to be together. I just wanted them both to get a lot of therapy. The “headcanon” I came up with to make myself feel less depressed after the ending was that they both died and were then reborn into loving, nurturing environments where they grew up to be happy, well-adjusted people who would meet in college and have a healthy relationship. But I do understand the people who saw the less horrible moments and thought, “I wish they could just be happy together”. Because it did feel like these two thoroughly broken people had found a tiny, miniscule amount of happiness and love, even if it was clear it definitely would not last and definitely was not healthy. I get feeling that way.

And actually, the series plays a fairly clever trick on the reader. Just like real life abuse victims have trouble hating and leaving their abusers when those abusers are kind or show a more human side to them, Sangwoo became much harder to hate and dismiss once his traumatic childhood was revealed and he showed some kindness to Bum. It’s like the series was showing us exactly how abuse victims remain attached to their abusers, by making us stay attached to Sangwoo as a character. For the first half of the series I despised him, but the series tricked me into sympathizing with him and even feeling sorry for him and wishing he could be happy. And that. right. there. That’s how abusers get you. I thought it was a very smart way to portray this concept.

I also get that some BL fans DID romanticize and even fetishize the relationship. But, and hear me out please, I don’t think that’s a reason to totally dunk on those fans. Most of the fans who felt that way are probably fairly young, probably naive, probably exploring some dark fantasies for (perhaps) the first time in their lives. I think most people have something that introduced them to darker fantasies (rape fantasies, violent kinks, etc.). When you’re young, these are pretty thrilling to think about, and as long as you limit this exploration to works of fiction, it’s a safe way to dig into these fantasies. For most people, they grow out of them. The thrill wears off as they get older or they become mature enough to realize how horrible and scary those situations would be in real life. Some people keep those kinds of kinks all their lives, and as long as they limit it to fantasy and fiction, or consensual situations, that’s fine. But we need to understand that Killing Stalking, just by nature of having a very attractive character like Sangwoo, is going to be that piece of media that introduces a lot of younger people to those darker fantasies. And it’s not necessarily a terrible thing to let them safely explore those fantasies with this story. Because the story doesn’t encourage it. It doesn’t paint a rosey picture of this kind of relationship. It’s horrifying and ends in tragedy and trauma for everyone involved.

My “thing” that introduced me to darker fantasies was a movie called Boxing Helena, which I watched when I was most definitely too young. For those who haven’t seen it, it actually shares some themes with Killing Stalking (involving a sexy but psychotic man who had lots of issues relating to his mother and keeps a woman captive in his home, partly because she reminds him of his mother, and does horrible things to her - there’s even a scene where he brings another woman home and has sex with her while the captive woman is forced to watch through a cracked door. Sounds familiar, right?). It felt dark and dangerous and taboo, because it was also horrific. But it was exciting. Of course, I grew out of things like that, but it would have been absolutely no help to have a ton of people screaming at me that I was a sick pervert for finding the psycho guy hot (I mean it was Julian Sands in the 90’s, can you really blame me?).

If you come across younger fans who think Killing Stalking was sexy and say dumb things like, “I’d like to be in Sangwoo’s basement!” (actual comment I saw), don’t immediately harp on them and make them feel bad. They’re just exploring their own fantasies. It would be much more helpful to calmly and patiently talk to them and point out that it’s okay to like this stuff in fiction, but to be very careful about how they explore these feelings in reality. I’d be willing to bet that the vast majority of these people are just virginal teenagers who would never in a million years get involved in a dangerous relationship. So let’s cut them a little slack.

Note: When I refer to younger fans, I’m thinking 18-20 or so, and of course the younger teens who are going to read this whether we want them to or not. I am in no way suggesting that we should encourage younger people to read it. Just that, if you come across a younger person who has already read it, yelling insults at them over their naive opinions on it isn’t going to be helpful to anyone.

Anyway, that’s all I have to say about it for now. I just felt very strongly about it and felt like sharing.

[mindmeltonabun-blog]

Tale of the Nine Tailed: More Analysis and Theories (Ep 9 & 10)

If you haven't done so already, I would suggest that you read all of my other TOTNT posts before continuing to read this post because otherwise you might find yourself lost or confused as to what I’m talking about. For the most part, the majority of the theories that I have proposed here have came true which is great! However, there were a few theories, most notably my zombie theory that didn’t quite come true. Although I wouldn’t be surprised that if in the end we found out that the Imoogi had a hand in creating those zombies. 

Now this post may leave you in a state of exhaustion upon reading it, but I can guarantee you that it will be well worth your time at the end of it ! Additionally, I would like to apologize in advance if I haven't posted my theories or analyses right away, but I’ve been preoccupied with school work as well as tirelessly watching the US election. Needless to say, it’s been a very long week for me! I do want to write well thought out posts for you all, but at the same time I hope you guys will understand that these theoretical and analytical posts do require a great deal of time and extensive research. Anyways with that being said, let’s get to theorizing and analyzing the clues of which we were given in Ep 9 and Ep 10!

What The Imoogi Wants 

Initially, I had strongly believed that the Imoogi was after Lee Yeon’s fox bead because it was a form of “Yeouiju” which could’ve helped it become a celestial dragon. There are of course other ways an Imoogi could be a celestial dragon: 

1) Fox Bead/Yeouiju

2) Sacrificial Virgin Bride

3) Living to be 1000 years old

It should be noted that I am still somewhat uncertain whether in the context of TOTNT, an Imoogi would need to fulfill all three requirements to become a celestial dragon. In Korean mythology, it is heavily implied that the Imoogi only needs one of the three. Furthermore, in most of the popular myths about the Imoogi, it mainly seeks to obtain the fox bead/yeouiju. Thus, this is why I had initially concluded that the Imoogi in TOTNT was solely after Lee Yeon’s fox bead/Yeouiju and not anything else. However since TOTNT is an adaption of many popular Korean folklore, I think the writer is trying to incorporate all three requirements in their own unique way. Meaning that they are trying to add their own dramatic flair or twist to it. Now I’ve already discussed in great detail about the first two ways so now I want to focus on how I think the writer is trying to incorporate the requirement of living to be 1000 years.

1000 Years + More on Bok Gil/Imoogi’s Background

First, it is implied that Mountain Spirits are “celestial” animals (i.e bears, foxes, snakes, and tigers). By “celestial” I mean that you have to be at least 1000 years old in order to even be considered for this prestigious position. Therefore, at the time when Ah Eum had met Lee Yeon, he had just been recently appointed to that position. In the meanwhile, we as the viewers aren’t given any additional information as to what Lee Yeon had been doing up to that point. One thing is for sure, Lee Yeon must have been a real arrogant and egotistical ass. There I said it ! I mean just look how he behaved when he first met Ah Eum and Lee Rang! However, I think that by meeting Ah Eum and Lee Rang, they brought out Lee Yeon’s more compassionate side.

So you’re probably wondering well what the hell does this have anything to do with the Bok Gil/Imoogi? Well I’m getting to that! If you had remembered, I had theorized that Lee Yeon may have been the reason why Bok Gil committed suicide. Given Lee Yeon’s arrogant pretentious nature, I could definitely see Lee Yeon being completely unaware that his words and actions could’ve deeply affected others. One of those people was Bok Gil/Imoogi. 

I believe that Bok Gil/Imoogi is around or exactly the same age as Lee Yeon.  Bok Gil had probably died some time during the Goryeo or Joseon dynasty. What makes me believe this? Well just look at the kind of shoes Taluipa was holding. Those shoes are “Kkotsin” which were typically worn by men during those dynasties. Coincidentally, around the same time Bok Gil had died, Lee Yeon was appointed to the Mountain Spirit position. It raises the question, did Bok Gil kill himself before he was able to reach the “celestial” age of 1000 years old? I think so. Thus, he was unable to meet one of the requirements to become a Mountain Spirit. 

Collectively, I think Bok Gil’s backstory will have a lot to do with our understanding of the Imoogi’s true motivations . For the Imoogi, it’s not purely about fulfilling the requirements of becoming celestial dragon, but it’s more about personally getting revenge on the person who took away his chance of ever becoming a Mountain Spirit in the first place. If you think about, you didn’t see him trying to go after Sato or any of the other Mountain Spirits or any other Gumiho for that matter. He specifically zeroed in on Lee Yeon.

Maybe the only wrongdoing that Lee Yeon may have committed towards the Imoogi was that he simply existed. Though, I wouldn’t be surprised that Bok Gil’s death and his hatred for Lee Yeon had all stemmed from a simple misunderstanding because let’s be real here, one of the central themes in TOTNT is misunderstandings. 

Imoogis are typically seen as auspicious creatures in Korean folklore. Meaning that they are typically viewed as a good omen. Therefore, I think the Imoogi/Bok Gil was a good person, but because of his jealousy of Lee Yeon, he was driven towards depression and suicide. Upon coming back to life, instead of sadness, he was filled with anger and the need for revenge. I mean it’s easier to be angry than sad right?

Additionally, other theories I have for Bok Gil is that maybe his mother had foreseen he would meet the love of his life (Ah Eum) once he became the Mountain Spirit. However, this all changed when whoever decided that position belonged to Lee Yeon instead. If you think about it, Taluipa’s visions of the future are purely subjective just like Alice’s visions from Twilight. Meaning that the future is subjective because it is based on a person’s decision which can readily change.

Imoogi Changes His Decision of What He Wants

In the past, the Imoogi had wanted Lee Yeon’s heart. You might ask well what did the Imoogi mean by Lee Yeon’s heart? Did he mean his literal or figurative heart? The Imoogi could have meant his literal heart, but I think he meant it in a figurative sense. I think the Imoogi probably meant Lee Yeon’s fox bead which in traditional Korean folklore is the main power source/life force of a Gumiho, but I cannot say this with 100% certainty because TOTNT is after an adaption of many Korean folklore. 

Now in the present, the Imoogi changed his mind of what he wanted from Lee Yeon. Why? Because he already knew that the fox bead has disappeared into the hands of the fortune teller. The Imoogi with his great powers could’ve easily gone after the fortune teller to retrieve it had this been his main objective. The Imoogi’s main objective isn’t to become a celestial dragon. Rather, it’s to get revenge on Lee Yeon whom he believed had stolen the life he was meant to have. The Imoogi had wanted Lee Yeon to suffer just as he had when he was alive as Bok Gil. He wanted Lee Yeon to feel the exact same pain of having to lose everything most precious to him. Man the Imoogi/Bok Gil is so immature! Taluipa, you need to discipline/talk with your son !

Is Taluipa a Snake/Dragon?

Other things I think would be interesting to know is what kind of species Bok Gil was. As mentioned earlier, Taluipa’s character is based off of Samsin Halmoni. In both Chinese and Korean folklore, Samsin Halmoni and Goddess Mago have been viewed as being the same. Mago was described as having long birdlike/clawlike finger nails. Furthermore, the Goddess Mago was associated with snakes, caves, and the “elixir of life”. See where I’m going yet?

Although it has not been revealed yet, I think that underneath Taluipa’s human skin, she is a snake/dragon. Therefore, this would also make Bok Gil a snake just like his mother. However, I am still unsure as to what kind of animal Taluipa’s husband is because as far as we know, he is just a regular human with immortality that was granted to him by Taluipa. If that is the case, would Bok Gil have been only half snake? 

Does Taluipa Realize The Imoogi is Her Son?

I don’t think Taluipa has realized that the Imoogi is her son yet. If you remembered, I had said Bok Gil’s soul was in limbo. Therefore, when his soul traveled back into the land of the living, it had probably randomly jumped into whoever’s dead body was in that cave, thus this would make him unrecognizable even to his own mother. 

Other things to note is that just as there is many foxes in the TOTNT, it should be assumed that there are also many snakes/Imoogis too. So Taluipa might not have realized that this one particular Imoogi was actually her son. 

I think also that the Imoogi has the ability to cloud Taluipa’s psychic powers of clairvoyance. The decisions we make determines the kind of future we will have. And where exactly are decisions made? In our minds. We obviously know that the Imoogi has the psychic power to read others’ minds, but I think he also has powers that can block others from reading his. Without being able to see the Imoogi’s decisions which are made mentally, Taluipa cannot foresee what he will do next, only what he is doing presently. It’s about to be mother and son psychic power showdown ! Ouch, my brain hurts just thinking about that !

Resolving the Entangled Mess

In some of my previous posts I had suggested that Lee Rang will be the one that tragically dies. At the same time, I did leave room for the possibility of him having a happy ending through means of reincarnation. In this week’s episode, we were given another possibility of how Lee Rang might achieve a happy ending for himself such as untangling the mess.

Well what is this mess? I’m so glad you asked! Below is a chart that I drew as a visual aid to help you all understand the mess that currently exists in the world of TOTNT. I must say the mess in TOTNT is almost as messy as the US elections right now! 

As you can see from my chart, the Imoogi has gotten Lee Yeon cornered in a sort of checkmate move. To win the Imoogi’s game, one must find a way to resolve the following two conflicts: 

1) Lee Rang’s deal with the CEO

2) Imoogi piece inside Ji Ah

In doing so, one will then be able to remove the Imoogi completely!

Lee Rang’s Deal w/ The CEO

I had mentioned in a previous post that another common theme in TOTNT is deals/contracts. In ep 10, Taluipa’s husband advised to Lee Rang that he should try to think of a way to get around his contract with the CEO aka find a loophole.

What does “Quid Pro Quo” mean? It means that an item or service has been traded in return for something of equal value. The CEO had saved Lee Rang’s life and in return Lee Rang must comply with returning the a favor of equal value when asked. The favor the CEO asked Lee Rang was to bring Lee Yeon which essentially is a favor of equal value (a life for a life). Remember that if you choose not to comply, the power of the contract will force you to complete the favor anyway. However like with any deal, there is always a loophole. This loophole exists in the definition of Quid Pro Quo...of equal value.

Let’s look back to that chart that I drew earlier. What is the most precious thing to the CEO and is basically considered his life? THE CHERRY TREE! Without this tree, the CEO cannot survive. The CEO knew Lee Rang was being swayed by his brother as well as Lee Rang having knowledge of what his greatest weakness was. So then the CEO took precautions to ensure his greatest weakness could never be used against him by having the cherry tree be wheeled away to a safer location.

In order to avoid bringing/killing Lee Yeon, Lee Rang must find something of equal value to give back to the CEO to repay his debt. And that something of equal value is that damn cherry tree! Go Go Lee Rang! Find that cherry tree, return it to the CEO, and afterwards when the contractual rings break....KILL THE CEO ! 

While this does ensure the death of the CEO and the end of the contract between the CEO and Lee Rang, it does not ensure Lee Rang will survive in the long term. Meaning, Lee Rang cannot survive without the cherry tree either unless there is another means of extending his life (maybe elixir of life?). I do wonder what the typical lifespan of a half fox is. Things are implied, but yet there is no definitive answer as exactly how long a half fox can live. It also raises another question, can a half fox live forever provided that it does not get fatally injured? 

Imoogi Piece Inside of Ji Ah

Now onto resolving the 2nd conflict which is how to remove the Imoogi piece inside of Ji Ah. Well I think it can go two ways:

1) Lee Yeon strikes up a deal with the Imoogi:

Lee Yeon will let the Imoogi take his body only if Imoogi would agree to removing the piece of himself that is inside Ji Ah. Now here’s the part where both Ji Ah and Lee Yeon could work together to stop the Imoogi once and for all. Remember that Lee Yeon is susceptible to the effects of evening primrose so when the Imoogi enters Lee Yeon’s body, it will also share the same vulnerability. Ji Ah could trap the Imoogi/Lee Yeon with evening primrose and then use her Shaman powers to remove the Imoogi. After all, one of the powers of a shaman is the ability to excise evil spirits!

2) Taluipa provides Lee Yeon with the elixir of life or turns him human

I will write out more of this theory later, but ngl guys I’m exhausted! Sorry!

Ji Ah = Supernatural Being=Shaman Goddess

In Ep 10, the writer is once again dropping clues like its freaking Christmas that Ji Ah is some sort of supernatural being. We got her female coworker asking if Ji Ah is even human. No she’s not human!! Then we saw how the Imoogi could read everyone else’s mind except for Ji Ah’s. Why? It’s the same reason why Lee Yeon couldn’t hypnotize Ji Ah. It’s because Ji Ah is a supernatural being (shaman goddess) that has hidden powers that makes her immune to powers of other supernatural creatures. 

If you don’t still get it by now, I’ll give you this example: Edward Cullen and Bella. If you remember from Twilight, Edward Cullen could read everyone else’s mind except for Bella’s. Why? Because Bella had that special shield power which was later revealed once she became a vampire. 

Therefore, just like Bella, I think Ji Ah has a bunch of special shaman powers that can be unlocked somehow. Don’t ask me how right now, my brain is struggling to write this sentence as we speak. 

Last Remarks

Okay peeps, I struggled hard to try and write this. I am literally exhausted after staying up super late and waking super early to watch the US election results all week as well as doing my school work. So now I want to relax and celebrate the win of my President Elected, Mr. Joe Biden! I may or not write a separate post on what I think will happen in Ep 11. So stay tune! 

P.S: If there are any other questions about TOTNT that I did not address, please feel free to leave a comment and I will do my best to try and provide you with an answer!

[slashnatic]

May I request Jason, Bubba and/or Thomas losing their s/o by maybe them leaving or getting kidnapped. And lets say it's been a few months and they find them! What do our big bois do?

uhmm, so i divided this into two separate headcanons for each slasher, but the kidnapping one turned out different than it should. i only noticed when i was done writing it so i‘m sorry :) anyways, i like the request a lot and i possibly will write another actual imagine about this :)

Jason Voorhees Headcanons

How does Jason react when his s/o leaves him?

When he wakes up one morning without you there he immediately starts worrying, but he tries to calm himself down by telling himself that you probably only went for a “morning swim“ in the lake or something of that kind. He knows you’re strong and capable of taking care of yourself so he waits for you.

After he waits for a couple of hours without you returning he starts searching. His actions are calm but his mind is racing.

He knows the camp like the back of his hand so he knows something isn‘t right when he doesn’t find you. He doesn‘t care that he‘s been searching the forest for hours, he‘ll go on a second search.

Once he is certain that he won‘t find you he goes back to the cabin and just sits around numbly. He doesn‘t know what to do now, how he should react, how he‘s feeling. He only knows he wants you back.

When the sun rises again the realization actually hits him. He has mixed emotions, but he‘s mostly angry at himself and scared for you. His primary feeling is sadness though. He starts crying with the first thing he‘s doing which he usually would do together with you and it will happen a lot more times throughout the day.

He makes it a part of his schedule to look for you once a day. He always searches for you with the same determination.

After a few months go by without you he is almost completely back to his old self, acting like some kind of emotionless robot, but he never stops searching for you. He still loves you and he misses you everyday.

When he finds you one morning he doesn‘t believe it at first. Is he going completely insane now? He stares at you for a couple of minutes, no matter if you’ve noticed him or not, before he reacts. Then he suffocates you in a hug. He‘s overwhelmed by his emotions and starts to cry again. Without you being there to take care of him he‘s kept his emotions locked up and they all break free when he feels you in his arms.

He doesn‘t ask questions. If you went away because you wanted to be alone, if you needed a break, if you simply got lost on your way to your “morning swim“, he doesn‘t care. You‘re back now and that‘s all that matters.

Afterwards he always keeps an extra eye on you, making sure you‘re one hundred percent satisfied with your living situation in any way, shape or form and also making sure you don‘t get hurt or lost. If he didn‘t devote his whole existence to you before, he will now.

How does Jason react when his s/o gets kidnapped?

He knows something‘s wrong immediately. Jason knows you and the camp better than anyone else, so when you‘re not where you’re supposed to be he comes to your rescue right away.

He doesn‘t have any issue finding you. He‘ll track down whoever kidnapped you in less than an hour for sure. He‘s skilled and smart.

He is worried the whole time. He is scared of why they kidnapped you, what they want from you, what they might do to you. He beats himself up over this because he thinks he should have been there to protect you. Nevertheless he stays calm and he honestly believes he‘s going to find you.

Once he did find you he goes kinda crazy, but it won‘t last long. He makes short shrift of whoever dared to take you away from him. It‘s quite the carnage, actually. He basically rips them to shreds, but only takes a few minutes to do so. After he‘s done he takes care of you, going from maniac killer to romance novel boyfriend in the matter of seconds. After inspecting and most importantly hugging you he simply scoops you up and carries you all the way back to the cabin, stroking your hair, cheek, arm or really any body part of you he can reach.

He won‘t let you leave the cabin without him by your side for quite a while after...forever, actually. It‘s annoying sometimes, but he does it because he loves you. Because he is scared to lose you, because he can‘t live without you. He needs you. If he has to take extra care of you to make sure you‘re alright he‘s more than glad to do so.

Bubba Sawyer Headcanons

How does Bubba react when his s/o leaves him?

Panic. Absolute panic. Bubba and you have a routine for everything. And you do most parts of your routines together, so the moment he notices you are not there he freaks out.

He doesn‘t consider that you actually left at first, he rather thinks something happened to you, that you got hurt. When you don‘t return after a day his brothers start giving him shit for it, or at least declaring that they strongly believe you left him. Bubba understands. He understands what they mean and he understands you.

He thinks he did something wrong, but he doesn‘t think it‘s specifically about him as a person. It‘s not that he is extremely confident but rather that that‘s just his mindset. He believes he did something that upset you in some kind of way.

He searches for you often, not daily but around two times a week. He thinks about you the whole time. He doesn‘t believe that you will come back, but he hopes you wil come back and that feeling completely overpowers the thought of living without you forever. He basically tries to ignore that you decided to leave and just lives in his head, in his little wonderland which is built on the thought that you just went for a walk or something of that sort and will be back soon.

He spends a lot of time with making presents for you or cleaning your shared bedroom, really anything he can come up with which he thinks you would be happy about. After all he thinks he did something wrong and wants to make it up to you like that.

There are nights though when he lies awake thinking he wasn‘t good enough and you finally left. That he‘s going to die alone, craving your love until the day of his death. He cries a lot thinking about that, but when he wakes up in the morning he decides to just go back to his little wonderland.

When you come back his wonderland falls completely apart. He is confronted with every thought he tried to ignore when he sees you and he cries again, a lot. It‘s actually you who has to comfort him. He doesn‘t even have the chance to say hello to you because he breaks down before he could. When you hug him to comfort him he clutches you as if his life depended on it. He decides when the hug ends, not because he wants to force you to hug him, but because he is so lost in the feeling of your body embracing his, that he simply forgets to let go and he is too strong for you to get free.

He wants an explanation but he is too shy to ask for it. What matters most is that you’re back though, you can give him the explanation later anyway. Now, presents. He is very proud of everything he did for you while you were away and will patiently watch you unwrap every single piece (just pretend he didn‘t use human skin to wrap your presents).

For the next months you constantly receive gifts, but he will eventually go back to normal over the time. He‘ll make sure you‘re happy all the time though, he can‘t risk losing you again. When you are there his little wonderland is real.

How does Bubba react when his s/o gets kidnapped?

As mentioned before, Bubba and you have your routines. If something is different than usual he‘ll notice it immediately and he‘ll immediately think you‘re hurt.

There is basically zero need for you to worry, as he will grab the chainsaw and search for you. Sure, maybe you’ve only fell down the stairs and need a few minutes to recover, but he wants to make sure.

It‘s very unlikely that a kidnapper would get very far. Due to your routines you’re barely ever far apart, so he’d most likely find them almost immediately. It‘s pretty simple from there too, he kills them, takes care of you and for the rest of your lives there won’t be a single minute of your routines which you don’t spend together. Sure, he beats himself up over what happened, but he‘s also very eager to do what needs to be done to prevent that this will ever happen again.

If your kidnapper were to actually take you away though he‘d be a complete mess. He thinks it‘s his fault only, that he didn’t go after his responsibilities as your lover and caretaker right and will become super depressed. He sleeps less than usual, when he does he has nightmares, but when he‘s awake you‘d think he‘s actually sleeping. It‘s like he is a robot whose battery needs to be changed and now he‘s on low power mode, shortly before shutting down.

Of course he searches for you too, but he‘s more busy mourning than actually acting on it. That doesn‘t mean he doesn‘t search at all though. When he finds you he acts similar to how he‘d react if you left. He will kill your kidnapper first but he won‘t pay too much attention to them. All his attention is on you. He cries for what feels like hours to both him and you, he‘ll hug you and he won‘t let go. He also definitely carries you back to the house bridal style.

Thomas Hewitt Headcanons

How does Thomas react when his s/o leaves him?

He is broken, absolutely destroyed, but not surprised. It doesn‘t take long for him to put the pieces together and he honestly saw it coming.

He is sad, cries a few times, but forces himself to move on. It doesn‘t actually work, he still thinks about you every damn second of the day, he even dreams about you almost every night, but he is good at pretending to be alright. Or at least at pretending he isn‘t heartbroken.

He is also angry. If you think his past victims were suffering you don‘t want to know what happens to the people who came after you were gone. He is not actually a bad person. He started killing people at some point, he didn‘t stop and he doesn’t have a hobby, so this is the only way to cope with his feelings for him.

He doesn‘t blame you though. This isn‘t your fault, you did nothing wrong. You are perfect and it was just a matter of time until you‘d decide you wanted someone else. He understands you and he forgives you the second he realizes you are gone. Although he is sad and angry he still wants you to be happy.

Because of the mindset he has he won‘t search for you. You wanted another life and you deserve it. Who is he to stop you?

When you come back he has mixed emotions and is very distant towards you. Honestly, at first he thinks you just forgot something and came back to get it. When you declare that you are back because of him he just stares at you. Then he starts shaking. It‘s barely noticeable at first, but when he gasps you realize he is crying. It doesn‘t take much to convince him to let you back in from there. When he feels your arms around him and your lips on his forehead he is all yours again.

He wants to know why you left but he‘s also scared of your answer. Nevertheless Thomas confronts himself with his fears, always, at least when it comes to you. He‘ll only ask after a few months have passed though.

Once you‘re back he needs time to process everything and you definitely need to repeat some steps which you took before you left (concerning your relationship). He is happy that you‘re back though and he gets very handsy. He was shy about that before, but now you‘re back here and feeling you is proof to him that it‘s real. That you actually want him. He unknowingly becomes a bit better at being in a relationship.

How does Thomas react when his s/o gets kidnapped?

In all honesty, he doesn‘t notice it at first. Relationship or not, he is busy with work almost all the time and you have to work too since you‘re now officially a part of the family. Not seeing you for a few hours is nothing special.

When you‘re not waiting in bed for him at the end of the day he knows something‘s wrong though. He knows you’re strong and independent, so he asks the family first if they have seen you. Then he searches for you. When he can‘t find you he knows something happened. As mentioned before he is able to put the pieces together, in this case there are a lot of reasons for him to know that it wasn‘t your choice to leave (mostly visitors from earlier and the family‘s statements after he asked if they had seen you).

He won‘t let them get away with you. There isn’t really any chance for them to actually kidnap you. He takes the chainsaw and runs. It will definitely get messy. He doesn‘t care about anything but your safety in that moment. But he is fucking pissed. It‘s definitely an unpleasant scene.

He carries you home bridal style, no matter if you‘re hurt or not. Although Thomas isn‘t an extremely sexual person, he will make love to you once your safe back at home. Don’t even try to repay him for his actions, he makes love to you, this isn’t about him. Feeling your body reacting to whatever he does is a sign that you’re alive and well, he can be extremely affectionate without talking and he can make you feel like heaven good.

But before that happens he needs to be calmed down, he needs to be comforted. And he needs to comfort you.

The event does change quite a lot. You will work less and spend more time with Thomas. He has an eye on you for one, and two, he can also show you affection more since the lack of that due to him always working is something he feels guilty about. Luda Mae makes sure that you work less and even if you wanted to help she wouldn‘t let you. You are part of the family and ever single member takes care of you.

[raineydaywrites]

if i should wake before i die

ao3 link in source!

Summary: Febuwhump day 6: Insomnia

There have been a lot more insomniacs on the Starblaster this plane.

Lup couldn't sleep. It was a relatively recent problem for her. As a child, she'd learned to take every opportunity to sleep or meditate eagerly. It was rare for her and Taako to find a place that was safe enough for that, and refusing to do either always ended poorly for anybody's health.

Even when she'd been having nightmares, it rarely motivated her to give up for too long, usually just switching between mediation and sleep for a little while, depending on which experience involved the most troubling thoughts.

But tonight she tossed and turned unable to get rest of any kind.

They'd had to do this. They hadn't had any other choice- well that wasn't exactly true. They could have tried Lucretia's plan, but that wouldn't have worked much better, and it would have made it really dangerous and maybe impossible to escape to the next plane, so it was, at best, an absolute last resort situation.

That didn't make her feel any better about this plan.

Normally, she'd have qualified something like this as last resort too.

She remembered the robot world, when she had argued so strongly that they couldn't sacrifice other worlds just to stop the Hunger. She'd believed it so vehemently then. She still felt that conviction now. But how was this any better?

Sure, they weren't killing everybody. And they weren't doing anything directly, even. But that didn't change the fact that the devastation was their fault. This plane couldn't handle it forever. And so many people were suffering and dying because of their plan to stop the Hunger.

Yeah, sure, the Hunger was worse. And they had to stop it. But Lup couldn't help but wonder when she'd let her morals slip to this. They hadn't always been this. Somehow, she'd let herself become the kind of person that would do something like this.

And a part of her screamed with self-loathing. Screamed that this was never an acceptable plan. That the only reason they'd all even agreed to it in the first place was because they were so tired of running and suffering.

And they had a right to be tired. But it felt like all they'd done here was push their suffering onto other people instead.

She- she just couldn't do this anymore.

By the time that she was ready, it was the early morning- if this hour could even be called that instead of just late, late, late night. She wanted to leave before anyone could stop her or question her. This wasn't the plan, but Lup couldn't handle it anymore.

Knowing that something she made was destroying whole cities and armies and causing such devastation was more than she could bear. And talking to the others about it didn't help. They all just tried to distract her, or comfort her with statistics, or remind her of why they needed to do this. That wasn't what she needed. She didn't need to forget her problems, or remember the facts of the situation. She was a woman of both thought and action, and she'd spent enough time thinking. She needed to do something.

The hallways were dark, but that wasn't a problem with her darkvision. If anything, it was an advantage, given that not all of her family members had it. What was a problem was that she was tired, emotionally and physically, and her body kept telling her that it was time to rest, even though it wouldn't let her get any.

There was no real danger, anyway. No one would be suspicious of her wandering the ship. She was planning to leave a note, but she hadn't gotten to it yet, so there was no reason for anyone to suspect anything.

She shook her head, forcing the paranoia to leave her mind. She was perfectly safe. It just felt so strange to be hiding something from her family. It was throwing her off.

Her mind was too busy and tired for her to notice the signs that someone was about to turn a corner in front of her, and she walked right into Lucretia before she could stop herself. The two women nearly went down in a pile of limbs, but just barely caught themselves.

"Lup?" Lucretia asked, sounding uncertain. Lup wasn't sure if that uncertainty came from curiosity about what she was doing up at this time, or if it was just because human eyes sucked at seeing in the dark, and Lucretia was just genuinely unsure who exactly she'd bumped into. She decided to answer as if it were the latter, since she didn't want to answer the former anyway.

"Yeah, it's me, Creesh. Sorry 'bout that."

"Don't be. It's as much my fault as it is yours," Lucretia responded, waving one hand as if to dismiss the apology.

"What are you doing up, babe? You should get some sleep," Lup said, her concern for Lucretia and her desire to get Lucretia to leave so she could go about her business unseen out-weighing the fear that the question would prompt Lucretia to ask the same.

"I couldn't," Lucretia said, softly.

"You have to sleep, Lucy," Lup said, voice softening. "I know it's hard sometimes- but it's so bad for you when you don't."

Lup had learned the side of effects of going without sleep or meditation decades before she even joined this mission, and yet they still haunted her. And for humans, who couldn't get away with using meditation to make up for it, it was even worse. Lup couldn't help but be worried for her human crewmates when they weren't getting enough of it.

"Can I make you something?" Lup offered, turning toward the kitchen. "Grilled cheese?"

It was Lucretia's favorite comfort food, she knew, and she rarely turned it down, so Lup was rather surprised when Lucretia shook her head vehemently at the offer.

"No!" She said, louder than she usually would at night, for fear of waking people up.

Lup leaned back a little, surprised at the outburst.

"Okay! I'm not gonna force feed you," she responded, turning it into a joke, even though the thought had definitely occurred to her before, on bad cycles when Lucretia would get so depressed that she stopped eating and started to get too thin for anybody's comfort. It had always been especially upsetting to her and Taako though, even if they didn't admit it. Even before they'd started to admit that their crew was family.

"Sorry," Lucretia said, voice gone quiet again. "I know you were just trying to help. But it's frustrating. Everyone wants to help but nobody is doing anything. It's just all distractions and rationalizations and shitty goofs around here recently."

Lup slumped in on herself a little at that. She understood what Lucretia meant all too well.

"Gods, I know. It's unbearable," she admitted.

Lucretia's expression changed then, went soft, and she reached out and touched Lup's arm softly.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

Lup meant to assure her that she was. That she could handle this. The crew knew how badly she was doing with this plan, of course, but saying anything risked her own plan. But the quiet of the night and her own tiredness had her shaking her head 'no' instead.

Lucretia hesitated, clearly unsure of what she could do, before she wrapped Lup up in a tight hug. Lup squeezed back, trying to keep herself from crying, because once she started she wasn't going to stop, and she might spill the details on her plans and end up ruining them.

Lucretia was murmuring comfort to her, but Lup heard her let out a sob of her own, and that was what finally broke her.

They just held onto each other for a long time, crying but less miserable for the sake of being in each other's company.

Lup pulled back eventually, but not all the way. She took Lucretia's hand in her to have something to hold on.

"Come on," Lup said, tugging Lucretia toward the kitchen. "It's not gonna fix anything, but food's not gonna hurt."

Lucretia didn't let go as Lup pulled her along, and she didn't protest anymore.

It wasn't easy to cook with only one hand free, but Lup has always been very good at cooking under less than ideal circumstances. And Lucretia kept handing her stuff when she needed it, often without even needing instruction from Lup. And grilled cheese was basic enough that they made it work.

They sat down at the table, and they kept not letting go, nibbling on their sandwiches in comfortable silence.

"It's not just that I'm mad you wouldn't let me do my plan, you know," Lucretia said, quietly. "I'm not that arrogant. I'm just so afraid of what this plan is doing to us. I always have been."

"Yeah. I think we all know that. We just don't want to talk about it, because we haven't been able to find a single plan that won't hurt people. Yours isn't perfect either, you know?" Lup said, automatically tensing up a little at the topic, given the number of arguments it had already caused.

"I know," Lucretia whispered. Her voice got even softer as she said the next part. "But it wouldn't hurt you. Not like this. It wouldn't put our family in danger like this one does. That's such a selfish way to look at it, I know, but if we're going to have to hurt people either way- I wanted to make sure that we never hurt each other."

Lup was left speechless by the words. Lucretia had never told them that in those words before, and she felt a wave of affection and sadness for her friend.

"Oh babe. Baaaabe. Fuck, I had no idea," she said, and squeezed Lucretia's hand in hers.

"Somebody figured out a way to use the Bulwark Staff as a weapon," Lucretia blurted, fresh tears spilling down her cheeks. "They- they trap people inside of the shield and bomb them or poison them or bottleneck attack them. I never thought-"

"Lucy," Lup said, choked up on her own emotions. She understood that pain. So well. "Why didn't you tell anybody? We understand- obviously. We want to help you."

"How was I supposed to say that? Even with- this- my device has a smaller death count than any of yours," Lucretia said, and Lup flinched involuntarily. "I didn't want to be- you know, like the person with a sore leg who tells somebody with chronic pain that they know what you're going through when they don't have a clue."

"That's not what telling us that stuff would be," Lup said, voice firm and unwavering. "That would just be- venting to your family. That's what we're here for. Doesn't matter that it's not the same."

Lucretia had started crying too hard to eat her sandwich anymore, so Lup went over to her and squeezed onto the chair she was sitting on, wrapping her arms around her again. And pushing the sandwich away because tear soggy grilled cheese was not on the menu in her kitchen.

Lucretia turned her head to cry into Lup's chest, her body automatically adjusting to Lup's presence on the chair to avoid overbalancing. They were family, after all, comfortable in each other's space even now, when they'd spent weeks circling each other like skittish cats afraid of startling each other.

Lup figured her plans could be put off a little longer. Right now, her family needed her. The world could wait.

[babybuckleydiaz]

Can you write something where Buck deals with all the trauma that came from the thoughtst of losing his family. Like he thought he lost Chris in the tsunami, then he thought he is gonna lose Bobby bc he is gonna get ill, then Maddie when the dispatch center was taken,and finally he thought he was gonna lose Eddie too. And it was just all too much and he started falling apart but firefam notices and helps him through

Warnings: swearing, insomnia, mentions of the therapist from season one, nightmares, spoilers. established buddie, hurt comfort.

Okay, so it’s currently 4am and I’ve finally finished this after so long. It’s a long one, my guys. Its about 6k words long. And I’m not happy with some of it, but I haven’t posted a prompt fill in ages so I really wanted to get this out. I really did enjoy writing it though, in more of a 5 +1 style. So, thank you so much for the prompts and I am so sorry if it’s not at all what you wanted, but I really hope that you like it. Thank you so much for reading, guys

also on ao3, since this is a long fic

BOBBY

  “Hey, kid. Go get some rest.” When the order comes, Bobby voice is nothing but gentle and concerned with a hand resting on Buck’s shoulder, eyes searching the younger’s man face with something akin to worry. The team wasn’t even half way through a twenty four hour shift, and today has been nothing but exhausting call after exhausting call; it was obvious to even the untrained eye that the younger firefighter was overflowing with a bone deep tiredness. And for a moment, Bobby thinks that Buck is going to agree with him and do as is asked; but all he receives is a small shake of the head.

  “Nah, Cap. I’m not tired.” The excuse is weak to even Buck’s ears, and it’s obvious by the raised eyebrow that he gets that Bobby doesn’t believe a word that he is saying; the worry growing tenfold. The circles under Buck’s eyes are dark and deep, movements still as his limbs screamed for a moment of anything similar to rest; mind already having gone into overdrive. “I slept earlier.” Bobby isn’t stupid, he’s far from it, and he’s able to see exactly what the younger man is doing. Buck knows that Bobby is able to read him easily, can see when he’s lying but he’s giving his Captain a chance to just forget about this conversation and sweep it under the rug. No way in hell was Bobby going to do that though, not when it would put lives, including Buck’s own, in risk by allowing an exhausted firefighter on the front line.

  “We both know that’s bullshit, son.” Bluntly expressed Bobby, and he sees how Buck’s shoulder’s sag and his entire body seems to deflate at the breath of laughter that escapes his lips. “Talk to me, Buck. What’s going on?” Buck looks up from where he had shifted his attention to the ground, and he’s searching Bobby face for any sign that he doesn’t mean to concern that is obvious in his voice when he speaks. But he finds nothing but worry on the face of his Captain, but he shakes his head as he paints a sad and small smile across his face.

  “Its fine, Bobby. I’m fine, don’t worry about me.”

  Bobby wasn’t going to let it go because he could see as clear as day that whatever was going on in Buck’s head was affecting him, and as someone who loves the kid like family he can’t allow him to continue like this. “It’s a bit late for that, kiddo. You’re family and I’m always going to worry.” Explained Bobby in a tone that he didn’t regret letting this firehouse become a home, that he loved being able to come into work and being around people he loved and he knew loved him. And he worried about each and every one of them; nothing would or could ever change that. It was his job, as a Captain and as a friend to each of them.

  “It’s stupid; I’m gonna go take that nap.” But Bobby could see straight through the lie that Buck had just told, that the younger man wouldn’t sleep and would instead be staring at the ceiling until the alarm blared through the firehouse. “Buck…” Bobby didn’t want to drop the conversation when something was obviously wrong, but he knew that if he kept pushing that Buck could completely close off; and that was something that he didn’t want to happen. “Look, Bobby.” Began the younger man, an understanding yet strained smile on his face, and Bobby misses the ones where Buck smiles as brightly as the sun.

  “I know you’re concern, and I appreciate it, but I’m okay. I’m dealing with it.”

  Bobby had no idea what ‘it’ would even begin to be, but whatever it was, it was clear to see that Buck wasn’t dealing with it at all; at least not in a way that could be considered healthy. Bobby was certain that even a blind man would be able to see that Buck was struggling with whatever was going on in that head of his. And the older man won’t lie, it’s killing him to know that Buck feels as though this is something he can’t get help for, that he feels like he has to bury and pretend that it isn’t there. “You’re not dealing with anything, son.”

  Buck freezes as he sighs, because Bobby’s tone isn’t even remotely judgemental or annoyed at the brick wall he’s seemed to hit in this conversation; instead it filled with an understanding and worry for the younger man. There’s nothing but silence between the two men for a moment, Bobby praying to anyone who would listen that the man in front of him would reach out for the help that he so obviously needed but wasn’t going to seek out on his own. “I’ll be fine, Cap.” And when Buck had spoken his tone was tired, sounded far too wrecked for someone of his age but Bobby can’t blame him, because Buck has seen far too much and been through more in his short life.

  “Just…” Bobby begins, pausing and allowing his voice to trail off for a moment as he thinks about what to say, what could he possibly say anyway to help the man he loved as his own son? “Just try and get some sleep, please?” It what he settles on, because there isn’t much he can do when Buck won’t open up to him, but the most he can do is allow the kid to know that he cares and he’s in his corner should the younger man need him. And Buck can understand what he means through the words, Bobby can tell. Because the smile that Buck sends him may be small and tired, but it’s real and shows his appreciation for what his Captain was trying to achieve here.

  “Sure thing, boss.”

  Watching him go, Bobby doesn’t even bothering admitting to the younger man that he can tell Buck wasn’t going to even begin to try and allow his mind the peacefulness of rest; he remains silent. “Damn it, kid.” Bobby curses silently, wishing that there had been something more he could have done or said that would have allowed the kid to feel as though he could share whatever was troubling him.

  Because whatever that was bothering the firefighter was drowning him, and it’s was clear to the captain that Buck was struggling to stay afloat of his own thoughts; they we’re ruining him. Briefly, Bobby finds himself wondering if Athena would have had any more luck had she been in this conversation, if anyone else would have gotten the other man to open up and share what was holding him down.

HEN

  “Come on, man. Talk to me.” There’s a pleading done in Hen’s voice when she speaks, taking the time to wait for a moment where it could just be her and Buck alone. They’re currently in front of their fire truck, restocking the medical supply when Hen decides that she’s finally try and get to the bottom of whatever was weighing the younger man down. In response to what had been said, Buck just sighs as he stops whatever he is doing, placing the bandages that he had in his hand onto the truck; barely looking at Hen when he faces her.

  “There’s nothing to talk about, Hen.” That’s a lie, and Hen knows that Buck is aware that she isn’t dumb nor would she fall for what he had said to her. “I’m perfectly fine.” He added on, seeing her disbelieving look when he finally raises his head to meet her eyes, giving her a smile that would convince anyone who didn’t know him as well as she did. Buck is her best friend, someone that means the world to her and she was able to read the younger man like an open book without ever really trying. “I’m not blind, Buck. I know you, and I can see something is killing you, man.” She explained in a tone softer that what she would usually use, but this is serious and Hen wants Buck to know that he can talk to her about anything plaguing his troubled mind.

  “Hen, I’m fine. I don’t need to make everything about me.”

  That silences Hen for a moment as she frowns deeply at the other man standing in front of her, because there was more meaning behind his words that what Buck was even aware of. And all Hen can think about is the number of times people have accused Buck of making everything about himself; and how fucking wrong they were to event think that.

  But Buck is allowed to be selfish, to do things simply because he wants them for himself. There is nothing wrong with that and it’s so perfectly human of him to do for once. She inwardly winces; because the last time Buck had done something to benefit him had been when he filed the lawsuit; something she strongly sided with him about. He was being kept from his job and he had every single right to fight like damn hell to get back to it. “It’s not selfish to unburden yourself by talking to a friend.” Responds Hen, not really knowing what else she could have said to try and get her point across.

  “Look Buck, I love you.” She adds on, stepping forward and reaching out to take one of Buck’s hands tightly within her own, not mentioning that she can feel them tremble in her grip. “And I know that something is going on, okay? And I want to help you because you’re my family.” Buck is looking at her now, the faintest trace of a frown on his brows as he bites into his lower lip in thought. “I want to help you because I love you so much.” She concluded gently, an encouraging smile gracing her face as she pulls her friend into a hug.

  She can feel how Buck seems to melt into her touch, body completely sagging as he wraps arms around her in response to the action.

  “I-I’m fine.” And this time when he says it, Hen can see that he is talking to himself instead of her; forcing himself to believe it the more that he said it. “You’re not, and you’re allowed to not be okay.” Whispered Hen, something that only Buck could hear because it was meant for his ears only. “And it’s okay to ask for help, to reach out to someone else.” Buck nods against her shoulder, sighing as he pulls away from the safety of his friend’s arms and gives Hen the tiniest and saddest smile she has ever seen on his face.

  “It’s just… I-“ Shaking his head and laughing something humourless, reaching up to rub angrily at his eyes when he felt tears burn in them, he stops himself speaking.

  “I’m scared.” Buck’s voice sounds so broken at his own admission, choked up and small. Hen looks at him then, really looks at him and sees the tears in his eyes and the trembling of his hands. “Scared? Of what, Buckaroo?” She pries patiently, her words free of judgement and waiting for Buck to gather his own thoughts. But Buck stays silent for a while, for a long moment that Hen thinks he’s going to clam up and brush off his own declining mental health like he’s being doing for so long now. But still, Hen waits.

  Buck Hen never gets to hear what Buck as going to say when he opens his mouth to speak, because it’s in that moment that the alarms decide to sound, jolting the both of them out of their moment. “Forget it, I’m fine.” Buck quickly brushes off, closing up the truck against and making his way towards his turnout uniform with hurried steps, and Hen can’t help but curse every God in existence for that. She knows that had been the only chance she had for Buck to talk to her, and that moment had been taken away before she could get any answers.

  “Fuck!” She hisses angrily, the annoyance on her face as she runs up to get prepared as well while thinking about what Buck was going to admit; what would he be scared of?

CHIMNEY

  “Hey, did you get any sleep?” The concern is clear in Chimney’s voice when he sits up in his bunk, eyes having gone straight to Buck’s and seeing the man in the same position as hours ago. On his back, arms behind his head and eyes staring at the ceiling but unseeing; the clear need for sleep written all over his face despite it all. And it worries him, because it’s clear that the man he loves like a little brother is struggling and suffering; and despite his nature of jest and laughter, Chimney found himself so concerned.

  At the sound of the sudden whisper, being mindful of the still sleeping Hen and Eddie, Buck shifts his eyes to find Chimney looking at him with a deep frown. Shrugging his shoulders, Buck pushes himself into a sitting position, running a hand down his face and through his hair. “I don’t know, I don’t think so.” Frowning deeply at what had been his answer, Chimney moves to sit on the vacant space on Buck’s bunk; wanting to talk about this while he had the chance. “Hey, what’s going on? What do you mean, you don’t know?” Chimney presses, unsure if he’s asking as a friend or as a paramedic concerned about someone’s health. He doesn’t know, maybe it could be both.

  “I dozed off, I think. But I just… can’t sleep.” There’s more to it than that, Chimney is well aware. But for now, he’s going to work with the information that Buck is giving him and dig a little deeper to try and find some more. “Come on, kid. Talk to dear old big brother Chimney.” The older man smiled, and he feels some little sentiment of relief when Buck snorts at his joke and rolls his eyes with something akin to a happy expression. “Oh shut up, man.” Responds the younger, leaning over and shoving his friend on the shoulder that Chimney barely reacts to, because now that he’s looking at his friend he sees the thinks that Hen had been talking about.

  Buck looks absolutely exhausted, skin paler than normal with permanently tired eyes and dark circles to match.

  “Jeez, buckaroo. When what the last time you actually slept?” And just like that, Buck’s smile drops from his face and instead is replaced with a deep straight line; the younger man sighing as he shakes his head. “Honestly? I have no fucking clue.” Buck’s honest, it’s clear that he’s tired of struggling with whatever is going on in that big old head of his. “I… I’ve tried! But I can’t sleep because every single night is filled with fucking nightmares, Chim.” Chimney nods his head to show that he is listening, wants Buck to see that he can talk and someone will take in what he is saying.

  “What about? It might help to talk about them.” He offers, being the ear for Buck to rant in if that’s what he needs to feel better. Buck smiles softly as he leans back against the wall, letting his head fall back against it as he takes a deep breath. “Losing everyone.”

  That throws Chimney into complete silence, and he isn’t ashamed to admit that the tone in Buck’s voice breaks his heart right in two. Because he sounds so lost and so small, and in that moment all Chimney wants to do is wrap him up and make sure that nothing can ever hurt him. “Sometimes, it’s Bobby being sick. Or you’re stabbing. Or the rebar incident.” Whispers Buck, not looking at Chimney when he speaks now, head tipped back against the wall and eyes shut when he speaks. “Or… Or it’s Eddie stuck under the ground, a-and I can’t save him.” When Buck mentions Eddie, Chimney doesn’t seem fazed or even mention how Buck’s voice cracks.

  He watches as Buck instead turns his head to look at his boyfriend asleep on the other bunk, and it’s obvious that he’s taking in the fact that Eddie is still breathing and beside him. “Chris gets taken away from me in those, and… and I can’t lose you guys.” Buck pauses as he looks back at his friend. “Or when Doug took Maddie, that fear that she’s going to die is constantly replaying in my head.”

  Chimney now finally understands what has been troubling his friend, that he’s being drowned by the memories of almost losing those that he loved. Briefly, Chimney wonders if that is something that should have been obvious to the team from the start. Chimney is quiet for a moment as he leans forward, placing a hand on Buck’s knee and looking his friend in the eyes with an encouraging smile. “Hey, you’re not going to lose any of us. You’re not going to be alone.” The tone that Chimney uses is confident when he speaks, because he knows that everyone here would never leave each other if they could help it.

  “You can’t promise that, though!” Harshly whispered Buck and Chimney can see that it isn’t anger that he’s speaking with, it’s fear and desperation that causes his eyes to fill with tears. And Chimney remains silent as he thinks about what to say to Buck’s outburst, because he can’t promise that with the job that they have and the dangers that come hand in hand with it.

  “Look, it’s fine. Forget I said anything.” Buck quickly brushes off when Chimney remains silent, knowing that the older man doesn’t know what he can say right now. Pushing himself up, Buck gets up from the bunk with the intention to do something else to distract his own mind. “Buck, wait. Talk to me, man. You can’t keep burying this hoping it will go away.” Chimney pleads, not wanting Buck to bury an issue like this and pretends that something is eating him alive; his friend is in mental pain and he doesn’t know what he can do to help right now. “Chim, don’t. I’m fine, I’m always fucking fine.” Once again, Chimney can’t sense nor hear any anger when he speaks despite sounding like it’s there, and that is enough to make his heart clench to painfully in his chest.

  He can only sit there, watching Buck walk away from him with a sad and worried expression.

MADDIE

  “Oh Ev…” Maddie voice is so quiet when he walks into her living room, finding her little brother asleep on the couch, wrapped so tightly under blankets she gave him. She notes that he doesn’t look peaceful either, his face scrunched up as he pants out roughly, hands tightly gripping the blanket as he makes a something akin to a whimper of fear. Quickly, she moves over and kneels beside the couch as he places a hand on her little brother’s shoulder, waking him up from whatever nightmare he finds himself trapped in.

  “Hey, Buck. You gotta wake up, buddy.” She instructs softly, shaking the younger man’s shoulders with a frown of her own; hearing Buck mumble something out but not being able to understand what he’s saying. He sounds scared though, so scared that it breaks Maddie’s chest to hear such a tone come from someone who everyone sees as so strong. And he is, oh god is he so strong and brave, but he’s also human. “Come on, you’re okay. You gotta wake up, Buck.” She insists, shaking Buck’s shoulder just that little bit harder when he doesn’t respond to anything that she tells him. Maddie doesn’t want to scare him into waking up, not when he was already trapped in a nightmare that seemed to be doing that just fine on its own.

  With a gasp, Maddie watches as Buck bolts up right with drastic breaths and eyes wildly looking around his surroundings. “Hey, hey, hey. You’re okay, you’re with me. You’re okay.” She sooths, moving forward and cupping either side of Buck’s face with hands so gentle, Buck’s eyes snapping to his sister’s face. “I though… I-“ Maddie is never going to hear whatever Buck was going to say, but he cuts himself off with the shake of his head as he puts a hand against his chest, taking deep and calming breaths to sooth his racing heart.

  “Sorry, I’m good.” Buck quickly brushes off, sending his sister a shaky smile as he moves away from her touch and swings his legs over the edge of the couch, laughing at himself pathetically. Maddie shakes her head, having no idea why her little brother would apologize for having a nightmare; that’s not something that he needs to be sorry about. “Hey, don’t apologise, Buck. Are you okay, that seemed pretty bad?” Notes Maddie, brows pinches together as she pushes herself up from the ground and takes a seat beside her brother.

  “Hey, I didn’t wake up screaming, so that’s pretty tame.” Buck says it as a joke to lighten the mood, but instead Maddie just cocks her head when he looks at him for a moment. “Wake up screaming?” She questions, and Buck can’t help but groan for making her more worried than what she already was. “Does that happen often, Buck?” Shaking his head, Buck pushes himself up from the couch and makes his way into the kitchen to get a glass of water, already prepared for Maddie to follow him with questions and concerns she won’t let go of. “Evan, talk to me.” Maddie begs when she does, in fact, follow her brother into the kitchen; not wanting to let this conversation die just yet.

  “Mads, I’m fine. Just drop it, please.” Buck’s voice is pleading, begging, for her to just drop the subject but he’s known Maddie his whole life and knows how stubborn she can be. He inwardly snorts, that’s the one trait that she ever got from their father. “No, I’m not gonna drop it, Evan. I’ve watched for weeks as something has bothered you, I can’t keep letting you pretend that nothing is wrong.” She shoots back, and Buck sighs as he places the glass back onto the bench and leans forward, taking a moment to just breath. “I’m here, okay? And I’m not leaving, Evan. So talk to me.”

  “But you’re not always gonna be here, Maddie!” Buck isn’t entirely sure what he means when he yells those words, turning around to face Maddie who looks shocked and taken aback. “I-I’m not leaving, Evan. I’m not leaving you again.” She promises, and Buck just shakes his head quickly as he reaches up to run a hand through his hair, scratching at the back of his head for a moment. “You can’t promise that, though! You can’t promise that you’re always gonna be here!” Maddie is silent for a moment, knowing that Buck is talking about when they were growing up and left for college, or when she left after meeting Doug; there’s more to what he’s saying.

  “So what is the point of any of you saying that you’ll always be here when the reality is you can’t promise that?” Maddie can see the tears trailing down her brother’s face, that he angrily scrubs away with a scoff. “I am so sick of fucking crying!” He hisses to himself, beyond worked up and stressed about whatever has been bothering him for the last few weeks.

  “And I am sick of not sleeping because every time I close my eyes, I’m losing you or someone from the team. Or Eddie and Chris. I am so fucking sick that I can’t just ‘get over it’” When Buck utters those last three words, Maddie notes the use of quotation marks with a frown; it’s obvious that they have another meaning to Buck when he says them. “Evan, how long has this been going on?” Maddie questions, tears burning in her own eyes at the thought of her brother suffering so terribly alone. “Why haven’t you told anyone?” Maddie jumps onto the next question when Buck just shrugs when his arms crossed over his chest, leaning back against the kitchen sink.

  “Because, Maddie, I’m getting over it my own way, I’m fine.” He says once again, wondering how many times he’s said that in the past few weeks; and he’s wondering why he can’t force himself to believe it yet.

  “You’re not dealing with it, though. And you don’t need to deal with it on your own.” Maddie’s voice is soft when she speaks again, and Buck doesn’t even respond to what he had said. “You’re hoping that if you keep saying you’re okay then it’ll come true.”

  “Look I gotta go.” That is how that Maddie knows she’s hit the nail on the head, because Buck just does what he can to get out of the conversation; running away from his own problems so they won’t hurt him. And it causes her to sigh, because when Buck doesn’t think she’s knows she’s hit a dead end and Buck isn’t going to open up any more; despite how much she wishes that he would. “Just…” Maddie allows herself to pauses, because no matter what she says next Buck isn’t going to admit anything else, he’s done with this conversation. “Just drive safely, and text me when you get home.”

  Buck nods his head as he grabs his jacket from where it was sitting on the kitchen island and his shoes before he allows Maddie to pull him into a tight hug, allowing her to hold him for a few moments longer than normal. “I love you, Evan.” She says gently in his ear, pulling away and taking a moment to place a hand on the side of his face; smiling so sadly up at her brother. “Love you, too.” Buck says back, and then Maddie can only watch as her brother walks out the door; a frown on her face the entire time that she watches him go.

EDDIE

  Riddled with sleep, Eddie reaches out to pull Buck’s body closer to his own only for his hands to be met with the cold sheet on the mattress, lacking a certain someone. Opening his eyes tiredly, Edie looks over to see that Buck’s side of the bed is empty and has been for a while, causing the older male to frown in confusion. Groaning as he rolled over, and he looks at the clock that reads three in the morning, far too early for anyone to be up yet. Sighing, Eddie pushes himself up from the bed and begins his trek down the hall, searching for his boyfriend.

  The first place that Eddie thinks to check is the living room, having found Buck there a handful of times in the past when the younger male wasn’t able to sleep; watching whatever was on to distract himself. But when he reaches the room, he’s greeted with the darkness and quietness that shows it’s empty, not even able to make out Buck asleep on the couch. It’s obvious he’s in here and for a moment Eddie frowns, he had really expected his boyfriend to be in here watching television. Biting into his lip, Eddie makes his way into the kitchen in hopes that his boyfriend would be in there, only to be once again proven wrong by no sign of Buck.

  For a moment, Eddie stands in the dark kitchen confused because he doesn’t have that many options left as to where Buck could be; and he can’t help but be worried.

  The firefighter is about to make his way back into the bedroom so he could retrieve his phone and call his boyfriend, only for something to catch his eyes when he begins to walk. He looks over to the direction of the front door and sees it slightly open, the outdoor light flicked on, and he makes his way towards the direction with a frown.

  Opening the door, he sees that Buck is sitting on the steps with a jacket wrapped tightly around his body, hands wrapped around a mug of coffee as he takes calming deep breaths. “Buck? What are you doing out here, baby?” He questions as he moves to sit down on the steps beside his boyfriend and wraps arm around the younger man’s shoulder to bring him closer to his chest. Buck doesn’t hesitate to lean his head on Eddie’s shoulder and close his eyes, soaking in the comforting that his partner brings him.

  “Woke up an hour ago, couldn’t get back to sleep.” Simply explains Buck, and Eddie can hear the tiredness that drags down Buck’s voice, can hear the roughness in it. “Nightmare?” The older man questions with a light tone, soaking in the cool night air as he holds his loved one close to his body; everything around them is calm and quiet.

  “Mhm.” Is the only confirmation that Buck gives Eddie, the way his response sounded was clear that he didn’t want to talk about his nightmare, and Eddie wasn’t going to pressure him into talking if he didn’t wish to. So he allows them to just sit there in silence, knowing that if Buck wants to talk about his nightmare than his boyfriend was here to listen to him. But Eddie was going to allow his partner to deal with this at his own pace right now, the most he can do and is just be by his side to comfort him.

  “Come on, sweetheart. Let’s head back to bed.” Eddie voices up a few minutes later, looking down and pressing a soft kiss to Buck’s head and waiting for his boyfriend to nod in response. “Okay.” Is the worded answer he gets, but neither of them move for a short moment. Finally, Eddie is the first to move and pulls Buck to his feet by his hands. Eddie smiles when he pulls Buck’s body against his own, pressing a kiss to his boyfriend’s lips when the younger man wraps one arm around his neck and the other gripping the front of his shirt.

  Eventually the two make their way into the house, Eddie keeping Buck’s hand tightly within his own as he takes a second to close and lock the front door before they make their way down into the bedroom. On the way, Eddie looks back when he feels how Buck pauses in front of Christopher’s door, biting into his lower lip before sighing and shaking his head to himself. He’s about to walk forward toward their bedroom when Eddie stops him, sending his boyfriend a knowing look as stopping him from walking away. “You wanna check on Chris?” Buck only hesitates for a moment, biting into his lower lip before he nods his head and smiles at his boyfriend gratefully.

  Eddie had guessed when Buck had stopped in front of Christopher’s door that his boyfriend must have had a nightmare about the Tsunami, and he knew that checking on the young boy would help Buck a lot. Eddie can’t even count the number of times he’s found Buck in Christopher’s room, just making sure that the kid was really here after having a nightmare about the Tsunami; it would always help to just make sure that Christopher really was here and safe. “Alright, we can do that.” Eddie says, quietly opening the door and allowing Buck to poke his head into the room.

  The reaction is instant, Eddie watches as Buck’s body seems to melt as the stress and worry leaves his body at the sight of Christopher sleeping soundly, and safe, in his bed. “Come on, you need to get some sleep, love.” Eddie’s voice is filled with nothing but love and patient as he directs the younger man out of the room, Buck following his boyfriend after him without a word.

  Eddie lays down first, allowing Buck to take his time as he crawls into the bed; taking his place curled up against the short of the two men. Eddie lets Buck rest his head against his chest, using the hand of the arm holding Buck to run fingers through his hair, his other hand rubbing up and down Buck’s arm.

  “I’m sick of not being able to sleep, Eds.” Buck suddenly speaks up, and all Eddie can do is holding him just that little bit tighter and closer. “I know, love. I know.” Whispers the older man, because this was a conversation that needed to be have tomorrow, when both of them were more aware and awake. “For now, just close your eyes and listen to my breathing, okay?” Eddie instructs, feeling the younger man nod his head against his chest when the other man moved to lie on his back. “Match my breathing, close your eyes and take some deep breaths.” Eddie’s voice is extremely soothing, and Buck allows himself to close his eyes as he does as is asked of him; taking deep breaths that matches Eddie’s own.

  It takes a while for Buck to be soothed off to sleep, but Eddie doesn’t fall asleep until he feels Buck’s breathing even out and his body sags against him.

  While Eddie wishes that he could have spoken to Buck about everything that’s been going on but he knows that Buck needs all the sleep he can get. So for now, he forgets about everything that he wants to talk about and allows himself to follow his boyfriend to sleep.

EVERYONE

  Athena had been expecting something like this to happen sooner or later, because every time that she saw Buck she could see that the young man was one step closer to just breaking down. And even though the woman had expected it to happen, it doesn’t mean that it didn’t break her heart when she watches Buck sob onto the decking of her backyard.

  The day had started off so nicely, the team being invited over to the Nash-Grant household for a bi-weekly dinner; and everything had been wonderful. And Athena can’t be sure what had started it, or why it was even a conversation. But they were talking about their near death experiences, the entire time Buck had been silent and seemed to have zoned out while everyone jokes and laughed about it. That had been followed by Buck excusing himself as tears slid down his cheeks, only making it to the decking before he had burst into a fit of sobs.

  Everyone seemed to freeze in shock and surprise while Bobby and Eddie moved quickly, the duo running to either side of Buck’s side when the younger man collapsed to his knees as he sobbed. “Hey, shh, shh. Just breath, love. You’re okay.” Eddie whispers, allowing the firefighter to fall against his chest as he wrapped his arms tightly around his boyfriend. “I-I can’t lose you guys! I can’t!” Hen moved forward as Buck spoke, eyes filled with compassion and sadness as she sat in front of the fallen man, taking one of his hands tightly into his own, not saying anything but allowing the man to know that she was here for him.

  “We’re all right here, Buckaroo.” Chimney explained as he also moved closer, sitting between Hen and Bobby and placing a hand on Buck’s shoulder, whose crying hasn’t eased up. “We’re here, buddy. We’re still here, we’re with you.” Chimney says again, thinking back to the conversation that he had with Buck and everything the younger man had admitted, his heart breaking when he thinks about how long this has been weighing Buck down.

  “We can’t promise to always be safe, not with our job.” Bobby begins, and places a hand on the back of Buck’s head that coax’s the younger male to look to him with red rimmed eyes. “But we can promise that we’ll always fight to back to this family, come back to you, kiddo.” Smiles Bobby so lovingly, and Buck sniffs as he takes Bobby’s hand that was on his head into his own hand, not moving from where he was leaning against Eddie. Maddie walks over now, tears sliding down her face as she sits behind her brother and presses a kiss to the back of his head.

  “You’re not alone, Evan. Not anymore, you’re here with family.” She whispers, Buck’s crying still having not eased up despite him nodding his head at the words she had uttered. “I-I know, it’s just… You guys are all I have, I can’t lose you.” Buck finally admits everything; explain what had been weighing him down. “And every time I close my eyes, all I can think about is how close I’ve come to losing each of you. It fucking terrifies me.” He sobbed, Eddie holding him closer and rubbing a soothing hand across his back and he pressed a kiss to the top of his boyfriend’s head.

  “Kiddo, how would you feel about going back to therapy? Meeting with someone else?” Bobby questioned, asking that last bit after seeing that small bit of panic in the younger man’s eyes when he looked up at him. “We can chose the therapist together, but I think seeing someone about this would really benefit you, son.” The Captain’s voice is filled with understanding when he speaks, and his eyes hold nothing but concern and love for the man sitting in front of him.

  “I might know just the person for you, Buckaroo. They’re wonderful and might be the best fit for you.” Athena said suddenly, walking over and standing behind her husband; smiling down so encouragingly when Buck looks up at her. After a moment of silence, and briefly looking at his boyfriend who just smiles so softly and patiently, he nods his head as he looks back up at the older woman. “Y-Yeah, okay. Yeah.” He whispers, releasing a breath he didn’t realise he was holding as he allows his body to sag back against Eddie; drained and tired.

  “But right now, you and Eddie are going to go into the spare bedroom, and you’re going to get some rest.” Athena says, everyone stepping back when Eddie helps Buck climb to his feet; holding him close still. He only lets go of the man that he loves when Athena steps forward and bring the younger man into her arms, holding him so tightly as if letting go would mean him disappearing. “You’re running on fumes, and you need rest. So go, we’ll wake you both up when dinner is ready.” Bobby added on, placing a hand on Buck’s shoulder when Athena pulls away from the hug.

  “T-Thanks, guys. I’m sorry for how I’ve been acting.” He utters, feeling a little guilty about how worried all of them have been about his wellbeing lately, but it does make him feel so loved that they cared so much about him. “Hey, don’t apologise for this, okay? You’re allowed to have feelings, you’re human. And you’ve been through a lot.” Hen says seriously, smiling at her best friend as she pulls him into a hug of her own. “You’re feelings are completely valid, Buckaroo.”

  Eddie, who had been watching with a smile, can easily see that Buck is feeling a little overwhelmed with everything that had happened so he excuses them and says that they’re going to go take up that offer to get some sleep; he can see Buck badly needs it. Leading a tired and sluggish Buck into the house, Eddie holds his hand so tightly as they make their way into the said spare bedroom.

  “I would be so lost without you guys; I love you all so much.” Buck whispers despite only talking to Eddie now, who sits him down on the edge of the bed and begins kicking off his own shoes and jacket while Buck does the same. “And therapy might be the best idea; I’m just worried about it.” And Eddie understands why Buck is worried, and everything he is scared about is completely justified and valid; and Eddie isn’t ashamed to admit that he would be the same as Buck.

  “I know, love. But if Athena trusts this person, then I’m assuming they’re a safe bet. What happened with her won’t happen again, sweetheart.” Eddie feels like he can promise this, especially if Athena had been the one who was going to give them the name of someone that she trusted; especially after the event with Buck’s previous therapist taking advantage of him. “And we’re here for you, because we love and support you.”

  And for the first time in so long when Buck smiles up at his boyfriend it’s genuine and real, even though it’s something small and tired. But it’s real and that is enough to make Eddie feel as though everything is going to be okay soon. Not now, maybe not within the next year, but things will be okay.

[tev-the-random]

A Miraculous Sorting

(I’m writing this under the Christmas tree’s lights, because they take a lot less power than my room’s actual lights, and if I’m going to throw an all-nighter today, I want the electricity bill to be as cheap as possible.)

 You know something I really love? Pulling a Sorting Hat at random times. You’ll see me making a sandwich and rambling to myself as to why Rivaille Ackerman is a Hufflepuff. You’ll see me doing the dishes and quietly wondering why Mabel Pines is a Gryffindor. You’ll see me taking a shower and just arguing with myself about whether Ciel Phantomhive is a Ravenclaw or a Slytherin.

 The fact is: I love Harry Potter with all my soul and I’ll take any opportunity I get to sort random characters into Hogwarts Houses.

 So I thought to myself: hey, why not make a post about it? Mixing my most recent Thing-I-Won’t-Shut-Up-About-For-a-Few-Monthstm (Miraculous Ladybug) and my unexplainable need to analyse characters and put them in Hogwarts? Sounds cool to me. And that’s why you’re reading this. Also, I’m bored.

 Anyway, let’s get to it!

 Warning: be aware of Spoilers! If you haven’t finished Season 3, I’m afraid you’ll find a buzzling nest of spoilers here, so do be careful!

 Warning 2: Sorting is a very sensitive thing and can be interpreted in many ways. This is how I interpret it. Feel free to disagree, I’d love to discuss different opinions!

Marinette Dupain-Cheng/Ladybug – Ravenclaw

 This was an easy one. Despite her clumsiness and social awkwardness – which make her look a lot more air-headed than she actually is –, Marinette is a perfect match for Ravenclaw!

 First of all, we’ve been signed over and over again in the show to how she’s quick-witted, resourceful and strategic, and has got incredible problem-solving skills – even if she’s terrible at managing her time. Practically every episode shows us how quick she is to come up with plans to defeat the villains and how she always makes most of what she has – the Lucky Charm may be the most ridiculous object in the world, she’ll always manage to make a use of it.

 Not only as Ladybug, but also in her normal daily life, Marinette seems to be able to strategize and negotiate very well. Take as a few examples: how she manages to hide with Adrien using various strategies (Gorizilla); how she talks to Roland and convinces him to come visit Tom in his birthday (Bakerix); how she hides and runs away with Kagami and Adrien using various diversions (Heart Hunter/Loveater); how she pulls her – in my opinion – most brilliant and convoluted plan to retrieve Tikki and Plagg and keep her identity hidden (Kwami Buster). I mean, we get distracted by her silly shenanigans every now and again, but this girl has some pretty smart moves!

 She also operates the team work most of the time, directing when and where to use her fellow heroes’ powers. Not to mention she’s the one to choose who gets to have which miraculous, and she mostly seems to get it right – in this house, we do not talk about the stupidity that went down with Aspik, thank you very much.

 Furthermore, Marinette is just plain intelligent. She jammed the Wi-Fi signal using a microwave in Lady WiFi; she engineered her own diary-protection device in Darkblade; she made a home-made projector in The Mime; she neutralizes evil perfume with a chemical explosion in Princess Fragrance; she makes a freaking propeller in Glaciator. She was also mentioned in Ladybug (this name doesn’t get confusing at all) to always get good grades.

 As the series goes, Ladybug gets to become a much wiser person. She seems to learn from most of the problems the akumatized victims go through, as well as from her own mistakes – let aside all the Adrien stuff. Yeah.

 Last but not least, Marinette is exceptionally creative. I don’t think I need to exemplify this, do I? I mean… If you haven’t noticed how artistically inclined she is and how she is constantly praised for her creativity as a designer and as a superhero – again, think of the Lucky Charms –, I doubt we’re watching the same show.

 Not necessarily a Ravenclaw trait, but I’ll add it as a bonus: Marinette handles so many responsibilities at the same time, what a multitasker! She is an independent fashion designer, she does small fashion services – as seen in The Mime, for example –, she is a designer for both Kitty Section and (apparently) Jagged Stone, she babysits Manon and Chris, she helps her parents at the bakery, she studies – again, it’s said that she has good grades, so even if she spends a lot of time saving Paris, she also doesn’t lay off at school –, she makes time to keep her friendships together and she has all her responsibilities as Ladybug, and now as a Guardian. This is all some new level of bullshit a 15 year old human being shouldn’t have to deal with. I’m seriously amazed it took her three full seasons to have a breakdown.

Adrien Agreste/Chat Noir – Hufflepuff

 Ok, this was a bit more difficult. I was seriously torn between Hufflepuff and Gryffindor, but, after some deep thinking, I believe Hufflepuff is where Adrien belongs!

 Firstly, we’ve seen numerous times how inclusive Adrien is. He was, since day one, willing to give everybody a chance at friendship. This Nino boy I literally just met? My best friend. This Ladybug girl who fell from the sky out of nowhere? I’ll trust her with my life. This girl who hates me because of Chloé? I’ll give her my umbrella and she’s just a friend – Goddamnit Adrien. This Kagami girl I just fenced with and who almost killed me? Friend material right there.

 What makes Adrien’s inclusiveness most clear to me, however, is Lila. Despite everything she does, despite all her constant lying, despite her getting people he loves in trouble, he’s still willing to be her friend. We see in episodes like Chameleon, Oni-chan and Ladybug that he’s always willing to give Lila a second chance, to help her out when she needs it, to extend her the hand of friendship and to let her learn with it, because even if he knows she is a jerk, he still wants include her. Is that a bit of a stupid move at this point? Yes, it is. But we appreciate your try, Adrien.

 Another Hufflepuff trait that this boy has is patience. I mean, he lives with Gabriel Agreste, the cold critical father who shows affection – or any presence, really – only once every few months; he lives with Plagg, the demanding, pestering kwami who’s determined to not give two craps about doing his job; he’s childhood friends with Chloé “the arrogant and annoying and other things I can’t say out loud” Bourgeois; he’s trying to keep good terms with Felix, who’s competing for “most despicable brat of the year”; and he’s “friends” with Lila. All of this can only be handled by an enormously patient person.

 Despite that, Adrien is still somewhat just and fair. This can be seen in Despair Bear, as he says he’ll stop being friends with Chloé if she doesn’t start acting nicer. He also claims he won’t be friends with Lila anymore if she doesn’t get Marinette out of the trouble she caused. It’s also important to note episodes like Riposte, where Adrien’s determined to get a rematch with Kagami due to his believe that her loss was not fair.

 The thing that defines Adrien the most and that made me decide for Hufflepuff in the end, however, is his loyalty. Despite everything to ever come his way, he’s extremely loyal.

 Firstly, he’s loyal to Chloé, his childhood friend and, for the longest time, his only friend. We can see in the second part of the Origins episode that he won’t tell on Chloé’s behaviour because he “can’t throw her under the bus”. He instantly goes back to being her friend after the events of Despair Bear and seems to be the only one to get sad for her almost leaving Paris in Malediktator.

 The person Chat’s the most loyal to is undoubtedly Ladybug. We can see it in multiple instances, as he sacrifices himself in order to protect her in several episodes, stays by her side no matter what and, despite his own desire to know who Ladybug is, doesn’t actually actively try to find her identity (Chat Blanc aside) because that’s what she decided. Even if Chat Noir is constantly portrayed as her mere sidekick and gets the least attention of the duo, he doesn’t show jealousy. He trusts her.

 I’ll refrain from making the “Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders” joke.

Alya Césaire/Rena Rouge – Gryffindor

 Oh dear… I feel like this one almost reached a Hatstall! It was so hard! Her extreme curiosity and fascination with the world around her made me think of her as a Ravenclaw, while her ambition to get the best information for her blog and connection to the Fox Miraculous – the fox being an animal strongly connected to cunningness – seriously made me think about putting her in Slytherin. But again, after deep thinking, I do think Alya fits incredibly well in Gryffindor!

 Let’s start with the fact that Alya is an icon of bravery. She is daring and determined to the point where she is reckless. She is always ready to jump right into action, no matter how dangerous the situation is. If she can either get interesting footage and information or be of any help at all, she will be there, often putting herself in danger in the process. She rarely ever gets intimidated, nonetheless, showing that she has very strong nerve. This can be seen throughout various episodes, ever since Stoneheart and all the way to Feast!

 It’s safe to say that Alya has also got a sense of nobility, in a certain way. As seen in episodes like Stormy Weather, Sapotis, and Timetagger, this girl’s got a way with kids and is always willing to protect them. Rena Rouge also shows willingness to help save Paris no matter what, as seen in Sapotis and Syren, for example.

 I don’t know if this can be considered nobility as well, but I’ll just leave it here that Alya “Wingwoman” Césaire is a very determined best friend and will do about anything to set Marinette with the boy she loves. I can’t even exemplify this, because this happens way too clearly in almost every episode, folks.

 Well… Say what, I’m still confused about this. Alya confuses me. Does anyone have any comment to help me out with this one, please?

Nino Lahiffe/Carapace – Hufflepuff

 Ok, I won’t lie: part of this decision is because Nino’s just got too much of that bro vibe for me to imagine him anywhere else. But hear me up, I’ll tell you why he is an amazing Hufflepuff!

 First of all, Nino’s absolutely loyal. He’s loyal to Alya; always willing to protect her with his life – that’s how he got his miraculous, after all! –, but they still act as very good partners, friends and couple, and he recognizes she is strong on her own, too. He’s ready to help her out with her “wingmanning” – I’ll exemplify with Puppeteer 2.0 – and with her Ladybug investigations – as seen in Lady WiFi. They even parkour together in Miraculer! (Sorry, I just need more DJ-WiFi in my life)

 He’s also loyal to Adrien. We’ve seen it in several episodes: how he wants to make his friend happy and let him be free from his very strict household – good examples would be The Bubbler and Party Crasher –, showing that he is fair to his friend. It’s also important to mention episodes like Simon Says where, after the akuma attack happens, Nino’s first instinct is be to make sure Adrien is alright.

 Nino’s also shown himself to be quite loyal to Ladybug, as he never faltered to follow her instructions, even after he gets the Turtle Miraculous.

 His friendship with Adrien and Alya overall shows he’s also very inclusive. I mean, Adrien is friends with Chloé, the most hated girl of all school, but Nino just straight up offers to be his new best friend anyway. And although Alya keeps dragging him around to her messes, as soon as they start to talk and notice they have a lot in common, he falls in love with her (Animan).

 Nino is a hard worker as well. He is seen DJ-ing almost every party that showed up so far, and he showed himself as extremely dedicated to his movie project in Horrificator.

 As a generally laid back guy, Nino can be seen as someone very patient. It is quite difficult to tick him off, therefore it’s rare to see him mad or lashing out at someone. One might say he’s too relaxed at times…

Kagami Tsurugi/Ryuko – Slytherin

 Ok, first of all: I love Kagami. And I love Slytherin. So if anyone wants to shit on any of them, you’ll have to go through me first! Wands ready, buddy, I’m a duellist and I’m ready to fight!

 Kagami was another difficult one, but mostly because we rarely get to see anything from her personality, given how stoic and reserved she is at the beginning – besides, she’s a newer side character, so obviously she didn’t get to have that much screen time yet. But with what little we’re given, I’ve managed to figure she’d do nicely in Slytherin!

 Let’s start pointing out how ambitious Kagami is: during her first appearance in Riposte, she is determined to get to enter the most prestigious fencing school in Paris, and doesn’t even falter upon the challenge of defeating their most talented student; while episodes like Oni-chan show that she’s ambitious to get Adrien (and finish Lila, but that’s all of us). Her acts as Ryuko also goes to show this, as she’s clearly not willing to back down and is always willing to fight and win.

 However, she is not unfair, as seen again in Riposte, as she accepts her loss to Adrien was fair – it wasn’t, really –, even if it meant not getting what she wanted.

 Although Kagami doesn’t seem to be entirely selfish, she’s one to look after herself (the two are easily mistaken, hence this is seen as a Slytherin “bad trait”). We see it in Desperada, when she ditches fencing class to be able go out with Adrien; in Ikari Gozen, when she disobeys her mother in order to finally make friends; in Loveater, when she comments she doesn’t want to hurt Marinette, but would not give up on Adrien either.

 Ikari Gozen also shows that Kagami is level-headed, a natural leader, and rather cunning, given not only her strategies to deceive her mother in order to play the friendship game, but also her behaviour during the game and as Ryuko. This episode, along with Riposte and Frozer, for example, demonstrates that she strives to be the best at what she does.

 We see it in Animaetro how she doesn’t let herself be intimidated.

Kagami is decided, as seen in Frozer, Desperada and Loveater. She doesn’t hesitate.

Luka Couffaine/Viperion – Hufflepuff

 Oh, you thought I was going to finish this without sorting my snake boy?

 Easy one. Very easy. Once you put aside the thought of Snake = Slytherin and Blue = Ravenclaw, it gets quite visible how Luka is the perfect Hufflepuff!

 First of: he’s an extremely just person. One of the main themes of the episode Silencer is how he demands justice for his band and friends.

 Luka has also shown himself to be immeasurably selfless. This is seen in basically all of the episodes he has an appearance on, but I’ll name Captain Hardrock (he gives his  guitar pick to Marinette upon seeing that she likes it + stays behind to help her escape The Liberty), Desperada (he puts himself in harm’s way to help Ladybug and Adrien escape + he lets Adrien borrow his guitar without a flinch), Felix (literally everything he says in this episode), Miracle Queen (he sacrifices himself to the evil wasps) and Loveater (the scene where he drops his bicycle and his beloved guitar to comfort Marinette is some symbolic selfless beautiful shit and I’m about to cry).

 In the same theme, he is notably kind. He’s never a hostile person – safe for Silencer, but that was a special occasion – and always seems to greet everyone with a smile and – when he finds them – kind words. I’ll exemplify using Adrien: despite knowing pretty well that Marinette is in love with the model boy, Luka was never once bitter towards him, treats him like any other friend (watch Desperada, Frozer and even Chat Blanc. Watch closely) and even states that he’ll be happy for them if they end up together (Felix).

 I’ll also mention how supportive of a brother he is (Reflekdoll is our main example, though I need more Couffaine Siblings’ interaction, please) and how he gives Marinette a bicycle ride to the Grand Paris Hotel (Loveater) to help her; he didn’t need to do that at all.

 We can see that what he wants the most is for Marinette to be happy, even if it’s not with him. He’s there to support the people he loves no matter what and respects their wants and needs. Take some notes, Chat Noir (ok, kidding. I love you, Chat. But do take notes).

 Luka is the definition of patience. I mean… Let’s talk about Desperada, where, right after he confessed his heart to Marinette, she just ignores him and straight out treats him like trash to favour Adrien (I’m not blaming Mari, tho; I know she’s a confused little bean and didn’t mean any harm). What does he do? He shrugs it off with a smile and keeps his cool unfaltering. Furthermore, he never seems to expect anything from Marinette after that declaration.

 Plus, when he’s chosen to receive the Snake Miraculous, one of the things he does best is to watch patiently for the opponent’s moves to know the best strategy to take.

 Plus plus, he lives in a houseboat with Juleka, the Anxious Horror Loving Sister, and Anarka, the Chaotic Havoc Mum. I love the Couffaines, but living in The Liberty must be a nightmare sometimes.

 Another point to take in consideration would be how Luka is a hard-worker. Despite him being pretty chill and laid-back, we often see Luka composing and/or practicing for Kitty Section. Not only that, but we also see in Loveater he has a job as a delivery boy through Paris. On a bicycle.

 To wrap this up, I’ll say that Luka is pretty empathic. Just take his whole “reading people and translating them/their feelings into a song” thing we see in Captain Hardrock, Frozer and Loveater. I rest my case.

 *

 Phew, we’re done!

You headcanon these in different houses? I’d love to discuss it!

[capri-ramblings]

Merman!Shoto X Witch!Reader BNHA AU

•Short Story & HeadCanons*

From its surface, the water ebbs ever so slowly and you watch as Shoto's head gently started to appear from its depth. His split coloured hair wet and sticking to his forehead almost too gracefully. The scar on his eye clearly visible from the moment he caught your eyes.

Standing on the rocky stones of the bay,you watch with star-gazing eyes as the silent Merman pull himself up on one of the surface rocks flat enough to support him. He kept his steady eyes on you, waiting for you to come closer. After a while of admiring the crimson glisten of his slick tail,and the glaring effect his scales had from the morning sun, you did and with great strides too. Proud even.

Being born a witch, your mother took care to how you kept it from others. In these dark times, admitting that one has powers and was aware of the mystic side of the world only caused trouble. So it was always "Hide it away and don't act out of place", your mother's voice rings clear in your head but you could never went away from all the things that gave you even the smallest of freedom,even if they were as conspicuous as Mermen.

"You came again" He said simply, his voice silvery and smooth when it reached your ears. You smiled, brows arched.

"I said I would didn't I?"

Shoto hummed a response and watched you still when you took the rock near by as a makeshift sit. You had met the quiet Merman only a week ago, by accident of course. Your mother gave you the leisure time to have your own space each time you finished helping her with the family business of selling dried fish and simply things for crafting. You were grateful for it if not relieved and it let you roam around to explore as much as you want, like how you'd gotten to the bay and almost drowned because apparently you couldn't cast spells underwater.

"Isn't your mother going to be angry at you?" He asked after a while,his two-coloured eyes watching you again as if you were some kind of creature he wasn't used to seeing.

"My mother is always angry and besides,it's not every day I get to meet a special little fish"

"I'm not a fish" Shoto corrected with his brows furrowed and lips light curled down, "Or small either"

The rest of the day, you spend it by asking him question after question, about his life underwater and how it's like to be a Merman and he answers patiently and thoughtful. Adding details you've never heard from anyone about his kind and telling simple stories of his daily life. It wasn't much,seeing how reserved he was but being able to talk to him and gain new knowledge was far better than staying cooped up in your own home.

  - Gradually once he gets more comfortable with you, he starts asking more personal things. Not in a creepy way, rather with a genuine and child-like curiosity.

  - He likes to touch you when he has the chance, it's nothing sexual. Merfolk use the webbing on their hands to get familiarise with a surrounding other than underwater, so he uses it to know how you feel and to if how you react to certain things

  - He's starting to like you so it's natural to get to know you better,in his way, it was by touching you. Your hand,wrist and sometimes he'd ask permission to touch your legs too

  - Despite the blush on your cheeks, Shoto didn't really see it as a sexual way

  - He enjoys circling around you in a gentle pattern whenever you decided to take a quick swim and sometimes he tells you tips on how to stay down under a bit longer

  - Once you casted a spell that lets you breath underwater for 10 seconds and the look on his face was priceless

  - Mismatched colour eyes wide with astonishment and his pretty lips slightly opened

  - You giggled and said his name before the spell wore off and you went up for air

  - Likes watching you practice your water spells, especially the cute trick of catching small fishes in a water bubble

  - Shoto is also very curious as to why you live so far away from other humans, your home is beyond outskirts and you always tell him how tiring it is to travel back and forth to the village just to get enough supplies at home

  - When you do tell him, for a brief second you see his eyes sharpen before the mellow back to their usual stillness. You make a joke and try to reassure him that you're fine with being out casted and seen as an abomination because really as long as you don't get in big trouble with those people, you were guaranteed a long and quiet life

  - Shoto nods and makes a mental note to himself.

  - "Don't cause her any trouble"

  - Shortly after knowing your story, Shoto asks if he could share his and surprised, you tell him it was okay if he didn't feel ready to

  - "I want to tell you"

  - You gave him all the attention your mother wished she'd give her as you quietly heard him tell you about his people, your arms hugging your legs close to your body as he tells you how many of his kind were killed and slaughtered by villagers when they first started surfacing near human borders. Hunted for their scales and strong tails.

  - "It's why we don't like showing ourselves to people anymore. It's safer that way." He says this softly and without any prejudice towards you but you apologize anyway and it earns a frown from Shoto.

  - He doesn't feel strongly about you apologizing for a deed you didn't do, and maybe because he secretly had a soft spot for you and the way sadness clouded your features made him feel guilty about ever sharing the old tale

  - You ask if he lost anyone close to him during those times and for the longest moment,Shoto stays quiet before he lifts his gaze to meet yours and you caught the sorrow in the depths of his eyes.

  - "My mother". He says simply and you feel tears welling up but wipe them away before he notices.

  - "I'm sorry,Shoto.."

  - "Like I said, you weren't one of those people who—"

  - "No, I meant...for your loss. We fight a lot but I don't know what I would do if my mother was killed...because of what we are.."

  - Your words hit him, like a gentle tap of realization.

  - Yes,you were human despite being a witch but even in your own species you were ousted away from the society, you were an outsider, and all because you were different.

  - You understood his pain. And he respected you for that.

  - Oh, and he falls deeper for you too.

  - Time passes on and you realize how open he was now with you, offering you to hold onto his tail whenever the two of you went swimming in the waters, asking even more personal questions and greeting you each time you come and go

  - The best part was that he smiled more, and he had the most beautiful smile ever. Even the sun couldn't compare to how bright it was despite it being soft and small. It was contagious too, when he smiled you couldn't help but follow in suit

  - Physical touch is a thing now between the two of you, and even when you still get flustered at how openly touchy he was, Shoto didn't seem to mind you being that way with him

  - He let's you touch and examine his scales and even his tail, when you find yourself almost losing momentum to not drown in water and grab his arm or body he doesn't even blush

  - You didn't complain on that part of course, his skin was so smooth and soft against yours. It was like a dream to be able to get this close to one of his kind and especially one that was so reserved like Shoto

  - You like it when you can see little ripples of water on the it's surface whenever you came down to the bay, because it meant he was waiting for you underneath it, but you were also worried about others realising it and decided to enchant something that could help

  - "___,why are you giving me a seashell? I have a lot of them down here" Shoto asked you shortly after you handed him the cute gift you made for him and got slightly hurt by how blunt he sounded, you knew he didn't mean to sound rude but still, you pushed the thought aside and shook your head.

  - You grabbed his hand holding the shell in your own and looked up at him seriously.

  - "It's not a normal shell, I enchanted it so it can become like a media for the two of us",you smiled and took out your own shell as Shoto brought his closer for an inspection

  - "A media?"

  - "Yes, I want you to stop waiting for me so near to the bay,not many people come by here but still it's dangerous for you if people found out. So this shell here—" You gave a playful poke on his shell, "Will let you see if I'm near by  and if it's safe enough to come up. Here I'll show you"

  - Shoto listened, to every word and every detail you gave him with the utmost attention. His eyes trailed to your face once in a while when you talked because he couldn't get over the fact at how beautiful,no, that's not right, you were always beautiful to begin with...No,he couldn't believe how such a beautiful being like you had taken the time and effort to craft something for his sake. How caring and loving he saw this gesture of yours was.

  - Although he was very quiet about it, what you did for him touched his heart. He'd never forget it.

  - It was a fairly easy item to use as well, all he needed to do was stay under and in a good distance, and wait for the shell to start changing colours. If it turned red immediately,it meant she was both not there yet and it wasn't safe for him to surface. But, if the shell turned yellow and went back to white, it meant she was near and it was okay to peer up and check for her.

  - Shoto kept the shell inside the bag of seaweed tied to his waist, and whenever he missed or thought about you, he'd take it out and picture your face being reflected in it.

  - He didn't know if he was truly in love but he knew that he cared deeply for you and that he wanted to spend as much time with you as he could, wanted to show you how he appreciates you but you weren't accustomed to the ways of Merfolk and so when he started giving you small trinkets from the sea and gave you fish that he hunted on his own, you were grateful and thought he was being a good friend, oblivious to the fact that he was showing signs of wanting to court you that he maybe even loves you and would be the happiest merman ever if you agreed to he his mate

  - Really, he seemed calm and collected but with these newfound feelings he has, he didn't exactly knew how to express it.

  - He knew that you also showed signs of being interested in him, the way you stole glances from when you though he wasn't looking and the way you blush whenever you see him, and of course the display of affection you show him at times

  - Knocking your forehead together with his after pretending to drown, cupping his face in both your hands, playing with the scales on his arms and tail.

  - If what he felt for you wasn't love, he didn't know what else it could be ... But did you feel as strongly?

  - When the day ended during a warm Saturday, Shoto admired your beauty once more as you dried yourself from your session of wadding your arms in the water and splashing at him, silently adored how your skin glistened under the sun as if you too had scales. Funnily enough, you resembled the females in his kind quite well, strong-headed but playful and intelligent, and yet with all those females' beauty combined, you still stood out.

  - You were like the sea itself, vast and with countless layers waiting to be discovered.

  - Being with you made him feel at peace,wholesome.

  - Truly,there wasn't anywhere else he would rather be.

  - "See you later tomorrow,Shoto!" You said with a smile and giggle, slipping on your shoes before pushing your wet hair back from your forehead. "You'll wait for me like always, right? Use the shell." .

  - Shoto smiled, soft and loving. "For you, always".

[inmyownlaine]

John Murphy x Reader Prompt: Falling For You

28. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

72. “Sometimes I feel like I wanna make out with you is that a friend thing to do?”

Word Count: 2351

Warnings: None

Mood Music

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You wondered how this day would be for Murphy. This time every year he was forced to be in a place where his father was floated. He had to fake his allegiance to a group of people that decided a boy should be fatherless rather than be forgiving. It was usually rough on Murphy, but since you were on the ground, you were interested to see if the distance would make it a little more bearable. At least here, he could voice his true opinions instead of being assimilated.

You took it upon yourself to cheer him up. Although you had done it annually since the incident, you could never reach Murphy. That certainly wouldn’t stop you from trying, though. He was your best friend, and even though you understood why he was so upset, you hated seeing him in such turmoil. It wasn’t fair and he didn’t deserve it despite what anyone else thought about him.

You threw back the flap on his tent, expecting to see him dressed and ready. Instead, he was laying in bed, his blanket completely covering him. You sighed and sat at the foot of his bed, gently placing your hand on what you suspected to be his leg.

“Murph,” you said lightly, shaking his leg simultaneously. 

“What?” he screamed, sitting upright with crazed eyes. He brought his hands up as if wanting to fight you. 

“Murphy, it’s me!” you exclaimed, backing away from him.

He stared at you as if trying to process who you were. After a few seconds, he lowered his hands and exhaled deeply. His eyelids fell lazily as he focused his attention on the ground.

“Sorry,” he murmured. He drug his hands over his sleep deprived face, stretching out his facial features. You felt bad as you caught a glimpse of the dark circles under his eyes. Of course it was hard for him to sleep. The only thing going through his mind was the murder of his father. Who could lay down peacefully after living through that?

“You’re fine. Really,” you assured him. “I just came in to see if you wanted to go for a walk.”

“I don’t know. I don’t really feel like running around today,” he replied.

“Come on, Murph. If we go fast enough we can catch the sunrise.”

He didn’t move an inch. But neither did you. You were going to drag him out of this tent if it killed him. He was allowed to be sad, but by God, he was going to be sad with you.

Murphy finally looked towards you, giving you the infamous frog face. You named that expression nearly five years ago. You couldn’t quite decide what it was trying to portray. He looked bored and unamused, his eyes nearly rolled in the back of his head. Yet his lips held the sass and recklessness of a thirteen year old girl. Whatever it was, he looked more frog than human, and you never failed to inform him.

“Frog face means yes,” you said with a smile.

“A very reluctant yes,” he made sure to add.

“If I didn’t know any better I’d say you hated me or something,” you teased.

“I wouldn’t say hate. Just strongly dislike,” he bantered back.

“Whatever, Murphy. Just get your clothes on and meet me outside the tent.”

──────────────────────────────────────────────────

“So where exactly are we going?” Murphy asked as you headed deep into the woods. Unknown to Murphy, you had found a new spot to watch the sky. Typically, you would go to a clearing not too far from the makeshift town. The branches were sparse, making it easy to see the different colors and patterns. It was also a safe bet instead Grounders decided to attack.

Leading up to this week, you spent a lot of your time searching for new areas to sight-see. There was a lot of uncertainty and fear in this part of your life. It seemed around every corner was war and death. Going to see the sunrise with Murphy loosened you up. It reminded you that there is always beauty in the world. If you couldn’t find any, you had to create your own.

You hoped Murphy would appreciate the gesture.

“You’ll see,” you practically sang back.

“I always knew it would come to this,” he said. You were confused, but decided not to say anything. The two of you took a couple more steps before he elaborated, “You’re going to murder me.”

You made a noise similar to an elephant, trying to keep your laugh trapped behind your lips. You glanced in his direction only to notice the smallest smirk appear on his face. It was a surprise to see. Typically it took Murphy over a week to get back to his normal self. Maybe he was finding better ways to cope as the years dragged past him.

“Murder me and then eat me. That’s it, right? I’m for breakfast,” he commented, snapping you out of your thoughts.

“Oh yeah, Murph. You’re the main course.” You waggled your eyebrows at him as he shook his head softly. He was probably thinking something along the lines of how weird, but amazing, you were. That’s what you wanted to believe, anyway.

Finally, you came to a large rock overhanging a cliff. It sat high above the forest, dense fog covering the tops of the trees. It was colder here than you would have preferred, but Murphy didn’t seem to mind. His mouth dropped as he crept towards the edge, taking in his surroundings.

“What do you think?” you asked even though you already knew.

“How did you find this?”

“Lots of walking. And mapping. I didn’t exactly know how this week would hit you so-”

“You did this for me?” he interrupted, looking over his shoulder. His blue eyes bore into yours, misty and soft. 

Your heart fell to your stomach. Murphy had a dark past. You tried to steer him from it and keep him on the right path. He made numerous slip-ups, he almost shattered your friendship, but you knew that deep down, he craved attention; someone to care for him and make him feel important. John Murphy was a fighter, through and through. He fought for his family, he fought for love, he fought to stay alive. But in this moment, he just needed someone to fight for him. Just once.

“Of course I did,” you told him. “I would do anything for you.”

Murphy licked his lips, trying to hold himself together. He turned away from you and sat down, dangling his legs over the cliff. Though he didn’t look back, he patted the rock beside him, signalling for you to sit. 

You walked over and plopped down, crossing your legs. The view was gorgeous, but you weren’t here to play with death. You would have to live your wild streak through Murphy, who was brazen enough to be so careless with his life.

The two of you hardly spoke. It was times like these where words were too small. It was something the two of you would have to feel and never convey. And although that was sad, in a way it was comforting that he would understand this moment as strongly as you did. You wouldn’t have to say a thing.

“That doesn’t look too good,” Murphy commented, his finger pointing at a dark cloud.

“This can’t be happening,” you mumbled, the cloud making its way toward the sliver of sun peeking over the forest line. Thunder rumbled overhead as you felt tiny droplets splatter on your neck.

“I think that cloud is a much bigger threat,” Murphy said, now noticing that there was another larger, much darker cloud barreling in your direction. You got up from your spot, ready to make a run for Arkadia. 

The clouds had other plans.

Torrential rain began to fall. You shrieked as you were bombarded, the brisk morning air combined with the chilling water made your body tense up. You shuffled over the branches of nearby trees, trying to take cover and warm up your body.

You wanted to cry. The scene in front of you was absolutely destroyed. The sun was trying its hardest to break through the cloud, but was barely lining them. The ground was now coated with mud and small puddles. This day that was supposed to be filled with hope now truly reflected how Murphy probably felt; depressed.

You lifted your head to talk to Murphy but realized that he wasn’t by you. Using your hand as a shield from the rain, you glanced back to the cliff, expecting to see Murphy slumped over, allowing the rain to batter him.

But he wasn’t.

Murphy was stood up,his arms stretched completely to either side. And he was laughing. Not the kind of laugh he would usually make in this situation. One that seemed to say Of course this would happen to me. No, it was a joyful laugh. As if he had just received the greatest news of his life.

He spun around a couple of times, stopping to face you. Suddenly, the brightest smile you had ever seen appeared. It was almost cheesy, all of his teeth showing and his lips pulled as far as they could go. You had known John Murphy most of your life. Never before had his smile brought such warmth to your heart. It was like he was really, truly happy. 

“Why are you laughing?” you shouted.

He shrugged, his newfound smile plastered across his face. “Life is just so unfortunate, isn’t it?”

“And that’s funny?”

“You just try and try and try and nothing ever turns out the right way,” he continued, completely ignoring you. “Maybe it’s just time to let life do it’s own thing.”

You felt compelled to approach him. You didn’t know if it was what he said or the way he looked, but you left the shelter, regardless of the rain and mud. Every step closer to him was a reckoning. There was something festering inside that you couldn’t hold back. You only had a few seconds to come to terms with what was happening.

Steps one and two were coming to terms with the fact that his deep laugh lines and deep set eyes were making you melt. You loved the way that his nose looked like he was bested in a fist fight and his eyebrows were perfectly arched on his brow line. 

All of the features that you grew up with, the ones that you saw every day for years, were now being reformed in your mind. You had never paid attention to the subtle creases in his face or the angle of his jaw but now, it was all you could see. All the small things that made John Murphy the person you loved were now magnified. You knew from this point on, it would be impossible to not pick out every beautiful detail on his body.

Steps three and four were spent admitting that Murphy was more than just a friend. You didn’t know if this had always been the case. You grew up with Murphy and saw him as your protector, your confidant, and your best friend. You trusted him with your life. You wanted to be with him forever.

This still held true.

Steps five and six gave you anxiety as you thought about what this meant for your friendship. You didn’t know if Murphy felt the same way. This could just be a chance for him to start over. There was no indication that he was interested in being with you. And if you did say something, would it ruin what you had? Could you ever go back? You didn’t know if you wanted to take this leap. 

“Why are you looking at me like that?” he suddenly asked, his wide set smile still in place.

The rain continued to fall as you shook your head incredulously. You couldn’t believe what you were going to say next. It was now or never, and you wanted Murphy as soon as you possibly could. “Sometimes I feel like I want to make out with you. Is that a friend thing to do?”

He sighed audibly, raindrops falling from the tip of his nose. He blinked rapidly, trying to keep the downpour out of his eyes. His hair was stuck to his forehead, uneven and crowded. Even as all of these things were happening, you knew you had never seen anything more amazing.

“If it’s not, we’re both in trouble.”

A wave of relief washed over you as Murphy inched towards you, replacing the stray hairs on your cheek with his hand. Your heart started to pound as his other hand found its place on your back, pulling you closer to him.

He pressed his lips against yours, kissing you gently. It was unlike anything you could have ever imagined. Murphy held you like you were delicate, like you were precious to him. Yet his lips spoke a different story, moving in sync with yours. It was full of passion and longing. It was as if he had been holding back on you this whole time. That he had dreamt of doing this before and was taking full advantage of the chance he was getting now. It was like he never saw you as his friend in the first place.

He gave you one last, soft kiss before pulling away. Almost instantly, you let out a disappointed moan. You had never kissed Murphy before, but you knew that you never wanted that moment to end. He belonged with you. Nothing else had ever felt so right.

Murphy couldn’t help but chuckle as he laid his forehead on yours. “Thank you.”

“For what?” you asked, taking hold of one of his hands and bringing it up to your lips.

“For sticking with me. Seeing the good in me. Fighting for me.”

“Always,” you began to say, staring into his eyes and finding strength and comfort and love where defeat and discomfort and disdain used to reside. “Always, John Murphy.”

**Sorry it’s been a little while! Hope this makes up for it!!

xx Lainey

GIF

[spaceskam]

who you are, who you’re meant to be

for day 5 of my 12 (actually 13 days) we have another addition to my Buffy universe! Also an excersize in “you only had one job” and that is knowing which fic is for whom. Yesterday’s was supposed to be for an anon, while this was intended for Molly. Whoops. Two for the price of one. Anyway, @chamblerstara here’s your actual gift and I hope you enjoy it!

ao3

Being alive for a few hundred years really made feelings begin to feel boring. That was the whole fun thing about fucking around with witchcraft, it gave him new things to experience. Whatever Alex Manes did to make Michael feel the way he did, however, was better than any witchcraft he’d ever messed with.

“How have you never had chocolate covered strawberries?”

“I don’t usually go out of my way to eat human food.”

“Mmm.”

Alex came towards him with a smile, a bowl of melted chocolate, and a carton of strawberries. These past few months of stealing alone time with one of the Slayers little lackeys had been some of the best months of his long life. Alex was impossible to be hardened or cryptic around. He was all sweet smiles and soft touches and dizzying kisses. He’d lived for centuries and never had he met someone who made him feel like Alex Manes.

Alex hopped up onto the counter that Michael was leaning against. Michael was stuck in a trance as he dipped the strawberry in the chocolate, holding it up to let it drip and watching it hardened before their eyes. He held his hand under it as he moved it towards Michael, guiding him to take a bite. Michael couldn’t take his eyes off him.

He wore all black, obscenely tight jeans stretched across his thighs and bits of metal stuck through his face in various places. He was a masterpiece. Michael felt unworthy. And, when he pulled the strawberry away, he leaned down and dragged his tongue over Michael’s lips, licking away the excess chocolate. He would never get over the overwhelming trust Alex had in him to be so, so close to his teeth.

“Heaven help me.”

Alex turned first and Michael had to drag his eyes off the man before looking at Isobel. She was healing nicely and had traded in her dramatic robes for something a little more modern–dramatic gowns. Her long hair was braided over her shoulder and the red dress she wore today clung to her. Michael loved seeing her like this. She was as elegant as the woman he remembered.

She also happened to be the only one who knew of the two of them. It was impossible to hide anything from her.

“Will you two ever not be engaging on my table?” she asked almost wistfully, a little pout on her lips. Alex chuckled.

“You know we don’t have many options, Isobel,” he teased. Michael was unable to put into words how fantastic it felt to see how comfortable Alex was around Isobel. Michael had to beg Isobel not to kill him for a while, but now he could even leave them alone. Not for long, but he could.

“The idea that you won’t tell your friends of your lover is sad,” she replied, striding past them to the freezer. She pulled out a neatly packaged bag of blood and went to heat it up. Their one agreement to stay apart of the group was no murdering people. It was an easy sacrifice to make for Michael as long as he had Alex.

“They would kill Michael if we told them, and then they’d kill me for hiding it for six months,” Alex said and Michael gravitated towards the sweet skin of his neck. He pressed a kiss there.

“How are you even hiding it at all? You are attached around here, it’s almost pathetic,” Isobel teased. Michael tuned her out easily, using his nose to trace Alex’s jaw. God, it was heavenly. He was heavenly.

He needed Isobel to leave them alone.

“We know how to keep your hands to ourselves.”

“Do you?”

Michael gripped Alex’s hips, pulling him closer and nipping at his neck. Alex weaved his fingers mindlessly into his hair and cradled his head in his arm. He was so lovely.

“My point is made,” Isobel sighed, taking her blood and disappearing deeper into the house. Michael moved up to kiss Alex’s lips. He was hungry and it wasn’t anything blood or strawberries could feed.

“Wait, the chocolate got hard,” Alex said.

“Yeah, that’s not the only thing.”

Alex giggled lightly and nudged him away, hopping off the counter and bringing the plate back towards the microwave.

-

“Can I stay here tonight?”

“You know I won’t say no to that,” Michael whispered. He captured Alex’s lips in another kiss for the night, each one feeling like the first one and making him feel like his body was being restarted.  Alex’s fingers weaved into his hair and slid his tongue into his mouth as Michael settled himself between his thighs.

Moments like these were everything. Isobel couldn’t bust in, neither could anyone else. It was just them and the dark. The line of sheer desire blurred into something else entirely. He felt like they were one being, like he hadn’t been whole until Alex appeared and filled the gap. Michael had decided this was love and, instead of being fearful of it, he allowed it to encompass him. It was just too easy. Alex was sweet and loving in a way that many people weren’t. He didn’t expect or want Michael to be anything more than here. 

How perfect was that?

“Mm, I’ll text Liz,” Alex whispered, grabbing his jaw gently to pull away. Michael put his face in his neck, breathing him in and kissing over his skin. Again, like every time, Michael was swaddled in a blanket of trust. 

“Text Liz what?” Michael asked, his finger tracing over Alex’s carotid artery and collar bone and peck.

“To pick me up from here in the morning,” Alex said casually, “She usually takes me to school and you picked me up tonight.”

Michael blinked a few times before putting some space between them. If anyone picked him up in the morning, they would begin putting things together that didn’t need to be put together.

“Alex, I can take you home,” Michael said. Alex sighed, combing his fingers through Michael’s hair.

“I keep thinking about what Isobel said earlier and I think she’s right. They’re gonna find out, might as well let it happen casually. I don’t want to make a big deal out of it, so maybe we can just slowly integrate it,” Alex suggested. Michael very quickly woke from his Alex-haze and sat up, losing the warm feeling of his thighs around his waist.

“What? No,” Michael said.

“They’re gonna find out eventually, don’t you want to be able to control the situation when they do?” Alex said softly. Michael jaw clenched as he stared at the boy he loved. It was frustrating. He wanted so badly to flaunt Alex as his, but he was also not trying to die. When that Slayer found out, she would kill him. Max would kill him.

He just wanted Alex. No murdering. No constant reminder that Alex wold age and Michael couldn’t. He just wanted bliss.

“Why are they gonna find out eventually?” Michael asked. Alex got all serious and sat up, taking Michael’s hand in his. He looked at him earnestly and took a breath of confidence. 

“I want you to turn me,” he said. Michael snatched his hand away, horror taking over his face.

“What? No. No, absolutely not. No. No!” Michael insisted, standing up and putting as much distance between himself and Alex as possible. Alex looked like he’d been burned. “Why would you ever say that?”

“I love you,” Alex said strongly, “I want to be with you. I don’t want to wait until I look older than you. You look like a sixteen-year-old‒I don’t want to look like a creep for being with you. I want to change now.”

Michael shook his head, gulping softly.

“You’re young, Alex,” Michael sighed, “If I did that, you’d grow to regret it and you’ll hate me and… and I can’t live with that. I can’t live knowing I took away your life.”

“You wouldn’t be taking it away, you’d be giving me a whole new life!” Alex insisted. Michael felt like he was being strangled.

“Listen, Alex. When you change, you also… change. You won’t be Alex. You’ll be soulless, you’ll be… cruel,” Michael tried. Alex gave a sweet, overwhelming smile. 

“You’re not.”

Michael closed his eyes tight, rubbing his fists against them.

“I am,” Michael clarified, “I have done horrible things.”

“The fact that you know they’re horrible and no longer do them prove that you’re not bad,” Alex explained. Michael let out a horrified laugh, putting his hands on the top of his head.

“There is no way to expect what you might turn into afterward and I refuse to take that chance,” Michael said. Alex stood up and made his way over to him, beautiful and young and alive. 

“I want to be with you for the rest of my life,” he said genuinely. Michael wanted to say me too. 

Instead, he said, “You’re young. You have no idea what you want.”

“Okay, then, you’re old,” Alex said, rubbing his palms over Michael’s bare chest, “Tell me, my love, have you ever felt this way before? Have you ever be so addicted to someone, so lost in them and lost without them? Have you ever ached so badly? Have you ever loved someone like they’re apart of you?”

Michael involuntarily gravitated towards him, his forehead resting on his. Alex’s hands cupped his face, his thumb pushing past Michael’s lips and pressing onto his dulled fangs. It was like a trigger, forcing him to show his true face. He felt it happen, felt his face transform into the one he never showed unless he had to. It was ugly in his opinion and he never liked to be ugly.

Still, Alex held him close. He traced over all the ugly lines and he pressed his thumb harder onto the now very sharp fangs. When his skin broke, Michael was far too aware. His mind swam, but he was able to pull away before he got a taste. He didn’t want to know what Alex’s blood tasted like. He wanted him as he was. He wanted him alive.

“Michael,” Alex said, though he let him turn his face away. He didn’t want to be tempted. “Answer me. Have you ever loved someone the way you love me? 

Michael took a deep, heavy breath. 

“No.”

Alex didn’t seem shocked or too pleased by this answer, which just told Michael that he didn’t even have a doubt in his mind that that’s what was happening. He seemed to know that, even in the short amount of time they’d known each other, that it was different. It was intoxicating. It was forever.

Michael gulped and squeezed his eyes shut. There was no talking his way out of this.

“I’ll think about it. You have to give me time to think about it,” Michael said through his still screwed up face. Alex nodded, grabbing his chin and kissing his cheek gently. His nose nuzzled under his jaw and he wrapped Michael in a hug.

“Take your time.”

-

Michael woke to kisses being pressed to the back of his ear and his jaw, something he wasn’t used to but something that he wanted to get used to.

“I am a vampire, Alexander, mornings are not made for me,” he grumbled, but he reveled in the way the human’s teeth sunk into his throat. They fit there, just like the way his nose pressed hard into his jaw.

“Liz is here,” Alex said, “I didn’t tell her anything, just that I was here. Gonna keep it to myself. Think about our talk, yeah?” 

Michael sighed, but nodded without opening his eyes. Alex pressed a few more kisses to his lips and his jaw and his cheeks. He kissed and kissed until Michael was smiling like mad, then stole a couple more.

“I love you,” Alex said against his skin, “I want a long, long life with you. Soul or not.”

Michael found it impossible to go back to sleep after that. He laid in bed for a long while, mulling over the idea of what Alex seemed to want. He couldn’t imagine a life without Alex. He didn’t want to live without him.

But Michael wasn’t stupid. The chance of something crucial to what made Alex Alex changing was high. Everyone changed. Sometimes they went completely off the rails and basked in something sinister inside themselves like Max. Sometimes they became in tune to the point of sadism like Isobel. And, sometimes, they just become reckless and have no consequences so they turn into a murderer out of boredom like Michael. He’d never met someone who hadn’t changed, whether it be because of the loss of a soul or the loss of mortality.

Alex was sweet and loving in a way that vampires just inherently weren’t. There wasn’t a doubt in Michael’s mind that Alex would become someone else and that just wasn’t alright. He loved Alex the way he was. He liked the cuddliness of him and he liked the way he was human. Alex had never wanted anything but to be human his entire life‒and then Michael had changed that.

“Izzy, can I talk with you?” Michael asked as he walked in to see her fiddling with something. Upon closer inspection, it was one of the keys from Alex’s keyring. He didn’t ask how she got it.

“What’s wrong?” she wondered, slowly sitting up to speak with him. He sighed, flopping down and quickly laying his head in her lap. She wove her fingers into his hair like she often did. It was easy when it was just her. For so long it had just been the two of them.

Things weren’t complicated when he was with someone he would kill for.

“Alex asked me to turn him last night,” Michael admitted.

“Did you?”

“He went to school today, didn’t he?” 

Isobel went silent for whatever reason for a moment, combing through his hair in a soothing way. He didn’t know what she was thinking. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know. 

“He’s a very kind man,” she said, “You were too.”

“That doesn’t mean anything though. I was kind and naive, and then I was dead and a murderer. I don’t want him to be dead. I want him how he is and he seems so set on dying. You should’ve seen his face, it was like he’d been thinking about it for months,” Michael complained. Isobel hummed.

“Perhaps he has.”

“When I touch him, it’s all warmth. He’s warm and cozy and human. I don’t want that to go away,” Michael said. She went quiet again for a moment, thinking.

“Alex alive is a limited thing,” Isobel told him. He huffed a breath. 

That was the most achingly true fact in the world. He wanted Alex forever, but he also wanted him living. Michael had outlived many of his previous lovers, but he couldn’t say that he’d outlived someone he loved as much as Alex. He was quite certain it would hurt much more, but he could do it if it meant Alex had no regrets.

“I just don’t want to curse him.”

“Is it a curse?”

“Yes! I can’t go outside during the day, I drink blood, I can never get a legitimate job or have legitimate friends. There are so many things about this that make it a curse and I don’t want him to regret it,” Michael explained. Isobel poked his cheek and grasped his chin.

“What does Alex want?”

“He thinks he wants to be changed, but I don’t think he’s thought about it long enough.”

“How badly does he want it?”

“He seemed to want it badly.”

“Then what’s stopping him for going somewhere else to get what you won’t give him and risking dying painful and alone?” 

Michael stared up at her and the horrifying truth she gave him. His stomach churned. He didn’t know if Alex would do that, but he was scared to find out. He was scared of a lot of things.

He hadn’t been scared for someone other than Isobel in decades and it was a horrific feeling.

“I just don’t want to take away his life,” Michael said.

“It’s his choice to make.”

And it was.

-

“I missed you.”

“You were gone for seven hours.”

“Seven hours too many.”

Alex crawled into bed beside Michael, settling into his side and peppering him with kisses. Michael closed his eyes and fell a little more in love with him.

“Did you think about our talk at all?” Alex asked, throwing his leg over Michael’s hip. Michael took a deep breath and held it. He remembered the first time he realized he didn’t actually have to breathe anymore. He remembered when it went from being a necessity to something he just did because he was used to the motions.

Alex poked his stomach whenever he held the breath for over a minute straight.

“I’ve thought about it,” Michael said. He felt like he was about to jump off a cliff. He was so, so scared everything was going to change. But he was more scared that Alex would do something stupid. 

Alex propped himself up on his elbow, peering down at him with an eager smile like he already knew what the answer would be. And perhaps he did. Alex wasn’t exactly used to getting what he wanted in most aspects of his life, but he was used to it when it came to Michael.

“And?”

“And,” Michael said, reaching up and touching his warm cheek. His chest ached at the idea that one day it would no longer be warm. “And I want to wait until you graduate high school. If you still want to, then I will. If you change your mind, then I want. Think of it as a compromise.”

“Why so long away?” Alex asked, eyebrows furrowed. It wasn’t really that long. Alex would be graduating in just four short months.

“I want to make sure you’re extremely sure. And I want you to finish high school. You won’t be able to go out during the day time after that‒I want you to soak it up while you can. Enjoy it. Enjoy your friends and hope they don’t kill us after,” Michael told him. He resigned to losing this battle. At least he would have Alex.

Alex smiled. “Alright. That sounds like it’s okay.”

“Good to hear.”

Alex moved down to kiss him and Michael hoped to whoever was listening that this wasn’t a mistake. 

[numberfivefinn]

who: @numberfivefinn​ & @krt-hmml

what: kurt pays finn an unexpected overnight visit after the big fight with rachel.

where: finn’s bachelor apartment

when: wednesday august 23rd (i think)

triggers: none 

KURT had left the apartment so quickly he hadn't even packed a change of clothes or his moisturizer, let alone a proper overnight bag. He didn't even take his keys. All he had on him was his wallet and his cell phone. While he had no specific plans on where he would go when he left, there was really only one option. Finn was the only one in their friend group who didn't live with either Jesse or Rachel, and he was Kurt's family so he had to take Kurt in. The smaller boy knocked on Finn's door and, as Finn answered, he realized he couldn't really explain why he was there. "Hey, what's up? Are you free tonight?"

FINN had just settled in his couch after a long day at work, a Dr. Pepper in one hand and the Apple TV remote in the other, scrolling through streaming services to find something to watch. He eventually landed on something he'd watched before, only because he was feeling his eyelids getting heavy and he didn't want to miss anything in case he fell asleep. With one foot rested on the table (a habit he gained after having to constantly elevate his injured knee), he leaned back in his seat, ready to chill for the rest of the night. Just when he put the remote down, he heard a knock, much to his surprise as he wasn't expecting anyone. He got up, opening the door that revealed Kurt behind it. "Hey brother. I am now," he half-joked, but he knew with himself that he definitely did not have plans. "I was just relaxing. Long day at work. Why this surprise visit?"

"Good!" KURT exclaimed before inviting himself into Finn's place. His back to his brother, he allowed his smile to falter for a brief second as Finn asked why he was here. As he turned to look at him, his expression was back in place. "Because we're going to officially be brothers soon! With the wedding coming up, I thought it would be good to spend some quality time together"

FINN closed the door behind his new company, settling himself back into the couch and patting the spot next to him for Kurt to sit. "That's cool of you to think about that, Kurt. I appreciate that," he said sincerely, the corner of his mouth tweaking up into his signature smile. "Things still busy at Vogue.com?"

KURT kind of felt bad that Finn was so happy about quality time, as it wasn't his primary motivation for the visit. But it was certainly a happy unintended consequence - a silver lining to the shit St. Berry had caused. He closed the door and sat down next to Finn. "Incredibly busy. I'm going to miss it when I resign, but I'm sure my fashion career will keep me incredibly busy."

You're always so good at what you do, so I'm sure you'll be awesome taking the next step as well," FINN nodded, lowering the TV volume down so it wasn't interfering with their conversation. "Can I get you anything to drink? Or snack on?"

"Thanks, that's very kind of you." KURT couldn't help the slight blush and smile that reached his face. He glanced at the TV, not really interested in whatever Finn was watching but perfectly content to have it on in the background. "Just water, please."

“Alright, water coming up,” FINN confirmed, getting up from his seat to get some water from the fridge. He came back with a glass of water and a bowl of cashews as he was feeling snackish himself. “So, did you wanna do something or talk about something?”26 August 2020

KURT watched Finn go into the kitchen, letting the expression fall off his face for a moment. But when Finn turned around and headed back to the couch, Kurt's mask was back on his face. He took the water, drinking a little bit of it as Finn asked him. "What were you watching?" Kurt asked, glancing back at the TV.

“Oh, this?” FINN asked, pointing at the TV. “Westworld. It’s pretty sick. I’ve seen it all before though so it doesn’t matter that I’m not paying much attention.” He shrugged, stuffing a few cashews in his mouth. “Have you seen it?”

KURT shook his head, he had not seen it. "It's the one about the virtual reality park, right? I've heard good things about it." Kurt's phone went off and, despite all the drama, he looked at it without a second thought. Surely, Jesse and Rachel weren't dumb enough to text him so soon after what had just happened. Except they were, or at least Jesse was. Kurt sighed at his phone and frowned

“Yeah, basically. They make robots who are as human as humans can be, so the people who go to that park don’t even notice the difference. And people go batshit crazy, killing and screwing people left and right,” FINN described with a soft laugh. He trailed off seeing Kurt’s phone go off and the reaction his brother had to whatever he saw on it, starting to grow worried for him. “What’s wrong, Kurt?”

"Hm? Oh, nothing. Just-" KURT was going to say fashion world drama, but he didn't want to lie. So he decided to downplay what really happened instead. "Rachel and I got into a dumb fight this afternoon. Nothing to worry about." He smiled back at his brother. "So, anyways, this sounds like a show Sam would like. Maybe him and I will start watching it soon"

FINN blinked in confusion and shock. Him fighting with Rachel too? What was going on? And why couldn’t he understand it? “What do you mean a fight? What’s going on?”

KURT hesitated. He couldn't tell Finn, because it wasn't his place to do so. Eventually he shook his jead. "I can't say much, it's Rachel's business. But she's been kind of awful to me lately and I called her out on it and it spiraled from there."

FINN knew Rachel had her mean moments, but they usually stemmed from her being dramatic or feeling strongly about something. “I’m sorry, bro. That doesn’t sound like fun. I know she’s your best friend.”

"We've had fights before and I know we'll be okay in a few weeks. But this isn't like other fights and I'm.....not sure..." KURT sighed again, not willing to say that he felt like they couldn't recover from this one, or that he felt like he was losing his best friend. His facade was long gone, and now he just looked sad and defeated. "I think even after everything calms down, it's going to be different between us."

FINN inched closer to his brother-to-be, laying a gentle hand on his shoulder for emotional support. “It’s really that bad?” He couldn’t even imagine what it could be, and without insight from either side, it was difficult to provide advice. “It probably feels like that now, but like you said, it’ll be okay again in a few weeks. You just both gotta take some time to cool down and talk again, and you’re gonna find out it was all a misunderstanding or something.”

KURT didnt stop Finn from putting a hand on his shoulder, but he also knew he had to be careful so Finn couldn't see his texts with Jesse. "It's not a misunderstanding." Kurt said, his voice so low it was nearly a whisper. "Things can still be okay if they're different, though. That's more the thought process I was going with here"

“I hope so. For your sake,” FINN comforted, squeezing Kurt’s shoulder lightly. “Are you talking to Rachel right now?”

"No, Jesse." KURT admitted. "Rachel and I fought in my living room, and Jesse was home so he heard all of it." That was technically true

"Oh," FINN uttered, pursing his lips into a pout. "How do you feel though? About being in this fight with Rachel?"

"Awful." KURT blurted out, then got another text from Jesse. He was in tears before he finished reading it. "God, sorry. I....hate crying. This is all so stupidly dramatic"

FINN got a little uncomfortable as Kurt started shedding tears, always unable to react naturally when someone in front of him cried. "Hey," he began as he wrapped his arm tightly around his younger brother. "It's all gonna work out. This is just temporary. I know it." Was he just repeating himself at this point? He wasn't sure what to say or do to make things better, but watching Kurt this upset was quite frankly upsetting him too. "Hey. The bakery across the street is still open for another hour. You want be to grab you some cheesecake?"

As Finn held him, KURT leaned into his brother and started crying harder. He didn't react to what Finn said....he knew Finn was trying to help while not understanding what was happening and he appreciated that. The Finn continued and Kurt's tears stopped briefly. "....Cheesecake?" He asked in a tone that confirmed he did in fact want some.

FINN let Kurt cry it out a little, knowing there wasn't much he could really do. Bottling up emotions were definitely not good either, something he had far too much experience with - hence the many chairs broken in his hands. His eyes perked up a little when Kurt got quiet, taking that as a green light on the cheesecake. "I'll be right back, then." He rubbed Kurt's arm gently before swooping out of his hold, grabbing his keys and wallet before heading out. "Help yourself to more water or whatever's in the fridge if you feel like it. I think I have some diet soda if you want that as well. And go wild on the Apple TV - I have pretty much anything."

KURT nodded at Finn's instructions. "Thanks." He responded, still crying but not as heavily. Once Finn left, he found Friday Night Lights on Netflix. It was a total soap opera, but he hoped Finn would appreciate the football aspect of it.

After facing a difficult decision of how many slices to bring, FINN finally came back from the bakery with a bag in his hand. "I wasn't sure how much you wanted, so I got four slices. Two original and two strawberry. I'll eat whatever you won't or give it away to my neighbor tomorrow," he stated, laying out the boxed slices on the coffee table in front of the couch. He proceeded to go to the kitchen for some spoons and forks, not really sure what one ate cheesecake with. "Enjoy." He took a seat himself, looking up at the TV. "What did you end up watching?"

When Finn got back, KURT was cuddled under a blanket. It was clear he had been crying, due to more texts with Jesse. He paused the episode, which he was only a few minutes into, as Finn set the cheesecakes down. He picked up a strawberry slice and took the fork from Finn. "Thank you" He wasn't as upset now, but he was still sad. "Friday Night Lights. I thought you would appreciate the football element of the show. It's like the OC meets sports"

"Oh cool. What's the OC?" FINN wasn't very caught up in the TV world, but he tried to be as cultured as he could, especially because he had met his fair share of actors during his career who his PR team had wildly encouraged him to photograph with, despite his lack of knowledge of who they actually were.

KURT "Youve never heard of the OC? It's a drama that takes place in Orange County, California. It focuses on four rich teenagers, its a total prime time soap opera!"

"Oh, is that the show with Rachel Bilson? She's hot," FINN realized, and it totally wasn't because she was a short brunette with the initials RB. "I never watched it."

"Yes, she's in that. With Adam Brody, and Mischa Barton and....oh my god, I'm blanking on his name - that guy who starred in Gotham." KURT left Netflix and went into Hulu, pulling up the OC. "You have to watch an episode of it with me"

"Yeah, that guy," FINN said pointing his finger, kind of connecting the dots because he had actually seen Gotham. "Whoa, this is like, old. At least older than I thought it was."

KURT "Yeah! I remember being in elementary school when it was on. Dad was usually too tired to monitor my TV viewing habits back then."

“Did he ever have the energy to monitor your TV habits?” FINN joked, letting out a quick laugh. “I remember that Mischa girl being really popular among the guys in middle school, though. I was busy playing football and playing video games so I didn’t watch a lot of TV.”27 August 2020

"Not really, no." The OC had started airing just a couple months before KURT's mom had died, though, so Burt's energy levels were even lower than usual at the time. But Kurt decided to keep that detail to himself, because he was already sad enough tonight without mentioning the immediate time after his mom's death. "I was a bit preoccupied, myself. I know she was partying with Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie a lot, though."28 August 2020

“Whoa, really? Didn’t know she was that type,” FINN claimed. Not that he really paid attention to what celebrities were doing when he was 13. He took a sip of his soda, leaning back in his seat as he continued watching. “Did you like the cake?”

"I dont think she's that type anymore. There were a lot of mental health issues with her around that time." KURT explained, then looked up at Finn as he mentioned the cheesecake. "Yes, thank you" he smiled a little. "Uhm, would it be okay if I stayed here tonight? I realize Rachel's leaving for her show soon but I dont want to run into her before work tomorrow."

"Huh," FINN uttered, not too actively engaged with the topic. "I have to admit that I don't always know the best way to comfort someone, but you always order cheesecake when we go out for dinner," he admitted. He wasn't always the best observer nor was he good at paying attention to details; a flaw he wasn't quite proud of. It was definitely something he had to work on during his relationship with Rachel, so he always hoped he didn't mess up with the things he at least thought he knew. "Of course. The guest room is open for you. I just gotta clean out some stuff from there first."

"Oh, no. You've been great. With the cheesecake and a place to sleep and letting me gush about the OC. I really appreciate it, Finn" KURT turned the episode off, because he knew Finn wasn't really watching it. "You don't have to clean anything out, just as long as i can get to the bed"

“You sure? It’s kinda messy in there because it’s been unused for a while,” FINN stated, but shrugged since he didn’t seem to mind. “I’m gonna hit the hay. See you in the morning?” He grabbed the cheesecake that was left, putting it in the fridge and doing a quick, lazy clean-up of whatever was left out in the living room. “Oh, clean sheets should be in the closet in the guest room. I’m sure you’ll find it.”1 September 2020

"See you in the morning." KURT repeated in response, watching Finn put the cheesecake away. He nodded at the explanation on where to find the sheets. "Thank you, Finn" He added before disappearing into the spare room

FINN turned off all the lights before heading to his own room for the night. Something about having someone in the apartment made him feel less alone, and for the first time in a while, he went to bed feeling a little bit less lonely.

[laulink]

Helena is the new Avatar and I really don’t get why people are so mad about it

Like, honestly. Helena chose to not kill her abuser. She chose that. As Aang chose to not kill Ozai so his soul would remain pure, Helena chose to not kill the Witch Queen because she didn’t want to kill anyone anymore and she knew that death was not a punishment to Witch Queen. Honestly, what’s the point of killing her if she’s ready for death, welcoming it ?

Witch Queen is an abuser and a Nazi-level monster, I think everyone can agree on that. How and why she turned out like this, we don’t know (which is sad) and not knowing makes it easier to see her as nothing but that : a monster. Therefore, I understand that there was no uproar when she died in the other routes : she wasn’t as strongly connected to the LI and her link to MC was barely developped in the other routes. In the end, she was just the physical manifestation of evil that the heroes needed to defeat in order to achieve peace. But for Helena ? It’s an entirely different story.

Helena wasn’t a hero at the beginning of her route. She was a weapon, a sorceress, a wretched creature, every hurtful description you can think of Helena heard it in her childhood or later and came to believe it. And who made her that way ? The Witch Queen. The Witch Queen who tortured, broke and shaped her back into a form she could use to do her biding. The Witch Queen who made Helena believe her abuse was love. The Witch Queen who tried to reclaim Helena after she left with MC, to bring her back into her clutches to start this cycle of abuse all over again. The Witch Queen who did all this because she can’t stand not being in power. The Witch Queen who, at every chance she got, tried to convince Helena that she was nothing but a weapon and could do nothing but kill. Hell, Helena’s natural magic is about draining things and people around her, THAT’S the reason she believed she was a monster for so long !

So what do you think Helena would have felt if she killed the Witch Queen ? Happiness ? Relief ? At proving her abuser right one last time ?! Seriously ?!

As I already said, Witch Queen made it a point to always remind Helena of the blood she has on her hands, to make her feel awful about her past crimes and the people she was killing in the present. She tried to make Helena believe she was still a monster, even though she had left Witch Queen’s side. And you wanted Helena to do what ? Give the Witch Queen one last opportunity to rub it in Helena’s face that, up until the end, she did nothing but kill ? That she doesn’t know how to do anything else ? Do you even understand the entire point of this route ?!

Of course Helena wouldn’t kill Witch Queen, because if she did, it would break her. She would have regretted it for the rest of her life. She would have never had a chance to prove, to her and to others, that she can win without killing. And, as I said in the beginning of this post, dying wouldn’t even have a been a punishment for Witch Queen. She was ready to die, as she stated in the episodes themselves : “You will all die here with me. Even if Helena survives, she will live knowing that she could have saved you but instead chose a pointless fight.” It was her goal all along, to make Helena feel awful with herself for the rest of her life. Which is why the end that the author chose is the best, in my opinion. Because :

- Helena gets to live free of her abuser, to enjoy her life knowing that the Witch Queen will never come back AND that she didn’t have to kill her. Helena gets to live knowing that she is more than a killer, that she doesn’t need to kill to win a fight, that she is better than what the Witch Queen made her out to be. And that is priceless.

- Witch Queen didn’t die the way she wanted to. She still chose to die, but she didn’t have the option of making Helena feel awful about it or herself. She died to escape what she considered Hell on Earth, she chose the lesser of two evils, but she did NOT reach any of her goals. Not only that, but we got to see the Witch Queen as a human, for the first time ever maybe. Stripped of her powers, throwing her own dignity to the wind, she cried and wailed and lost control over everything. She was human, not a goddess ; she was a mess, not fighting ‘till the bitter end ; she was pathetic, not still cloaked with her dignity. The powerful abuser, always in control, stronger than anyone, was no more. And we never got to see her like that before. We saw her human side and she got to die, but not according to her plans. It wasn’t a victory for her : she ran away.

 This was AMAZING to read through. Honestly, big thumbs up to the author for this last fight because it was incredibly satisfying to see the Witch Queen fall down and Helena rise above her and what Witch Queen made her out to be. And to all the people who are whinning because “Bou-hou, Witch Queen had the last word, she stripped Helena from her agency !” or “Bou-hou, why didn’t Helena kill her, she had a right to !” first : fuck you, and second : not only did Helena’s decision make a lot of sense, Witch Queen’s DIDN’T strip Helena of her agency : Helena had decided she wouldn’t kill Witch Queen and she didn’t. In the end, the only one Witch Queen’s decision impacted was herself, as the world is going to forget her anyway, she just won’t be here to witness it.

[a-nerd-obsessed]

Another Long, Unnecessary, and Obvious Star Wars Trailer Breakdown (Read: Wild Speculation) that Literally No One Asked For

So, obviously, it begins with Rey breathing hard, not unlike the trailer for TLJ. The trailer for TFA also began with breathing, except it was Finn. That’s mildly interesting, because in marketing for TFA, Finn was the decoy for the main Force-sensitive protagonist which actually turned out to be Rey. That means literally nothing but there you go. 

Then we see Rey, alone. 

She’s on a desert planet, possibly Tatooine, although that seems like too strong of a reference to ROJ in my unfounded opinion. It could be a part of Jakku we haven’t seen before too. But who knows.

But look at Rey: she’s calming herself, readying herself for whatever’s coming on the horizon. 

And she looks ready. I mean, look at those awesome new Jedi-esque threads. The definition on those biceps. That Skywalker lightsaber, mended and functional like it’s no big deal, like we haven’t been freaking out over how she was going to repair it and what color it would be, but whatever - apparently she’s got this Force thing figured out. 

We’ve passed on all we know

A thousand generations live in you now

I’m going to be generous and say that Luke is talking to both Rey and Ben Solo. I mean, with the exception of maybe the Knights of Ren, they’re the only two living Force-sensitives (in the purview of the main saga) who have been taught by a Jedi. 

Now it could be just talking to Rey, especially since she has the physical representation of that knowledge in the Jedi texts, but we know Luke Skywalker is not done with Ben Solo - ”See you around, kid.” Also, Ben Solo is the legacy of the most influential family of Force-users in the galaxy, so I don’t see a way that, “a thousand generations live in you now,” doesn’t apply to him as well.

Now we hear that signature scream of a ion engine as the camera looks beyond our girl Rey to see a TIE fighter coming in low across the desert.

If you’ll notice, the angle of the sunlight is different in these shots. It’s behind her, then in front, behind, in front. I honestly can’t tell from the backgrounds, but these could be different places, or just different times. So she could have been standing there a really long time, just chilling.

Or, it could be JJ screwing with the time of day per his directorial whims again. Like in TFA, when the TIE fighters are coming in across Nymeve Lake on Takodana? Silhouetted against the setting sun? Yeah, in every other shot of that battle it’s a lot closer to noon than it is to sunset. So the angle of the sun could be nothing. 

Still, whatever’s happening with the sun, it’s clear she’s expecting this bad boy to show up:

(Side note: two of my favorite sounds from SW is a lightsaber ignition and a TIE fighter engine - like, chills, every time).

But this is your fight

Again, I’m gonna say Luke is talking to both of them, and not in a you-two-need-to-stop-fighting-sit-down-figure-it-out-and-apologize-to-each-other kind of way, but a you-two-need-to-figure-out-how-to-defeat-the-bad-guy-together kind of way.

Which leads me to my overarching assumption: This is a team-up movie

Exhibit A:

He’s flying low. Really low. And to clarify, when I say “he,” I mean Ben Solo/Kylo Ren. Like when we’ve seen TIE fighters on strafing runs before (think the attack on Niima Outpost and Maz’s castle), they haven’t gone this low. Also, going low confuses their tracking according to Finn in TFA. He’s not targeting her using the tools at his disposal. And why go so low that she could literally gut his personally-designed ride with her lightsaber? This doesn’t seem like intent to kill here.

Exhibit B:

Rey knows he’s coming, and she’s ready. This is not her look from their duel on Starkiller, when she absolutely hated him and thought of him only as a patricidal maniac, or from the first few Force bond scenes, when she cusses him out. Not to get technical, but there’s a lot more teeth bared when she’s feeling murderous. No, this is the look she has when she’s totally in sync with someone, that someone being Ben Solo. Think the TLJ throne room fight. 

Exhibit C:

He’s not shooting. If he was going to kill Rey, it definitely wouldn’t be by running her down with his sweet-ass custom TIE fighter. And it more than likely wouldn’t be by gunning her down either. This boy has Skywalker blood - if he kills someone he’s holding a grudge against, it’s gotta be up close and personal. That’s the only way to do it. San Tekka, Han, Snoke, Luke: all by lightsaber to the gut or chest.

All that is moot anyway because he’s not trying to kill her. Please. Really? Did you see their last scene together in TLJ? That sad sappy look in his eyes as she left him? Ain’t no way that boy could kill her.

Okay, and full disclosure, I got a little bit of an adrenaline rush when I watched this next part. Brace yourself.

Okay, totally badass, amirite?

But what are they trying to do here? I don’t know. Nobody does. If they tell you they do, they’re lying. Unless it’s JJ Abrams.

What I think they’re doing is NOT trying to kill each other. This is a coordinated stunt, possible multiple times. If you notice just in this GIF alone, two different angles for the sunlight. 

Now what’s the goal then? For her to hitch a ride? Possible, although my logical brain starts calculating physics and thinks about the durability of the human body and I’m just like... yikes. But then again, that’s what the Force is for, right?

Another part of me just thinks she’s flipping over his ship based on her trajectory in the last frame before it fades to black, like a tuck and roll scenario. So, extreme training, then. I don’t blame them. If I had fun toys like that, I’d use them too.

If you want, here’s some great theorizing on this sequence by @gwendy85, also some here by @spacesoapopera

Then we dive into the rest of the trailer. We have this unknown ship that seems to appear a few times, so maybe it’s what our Resistance buddies are using for interplanetary travel. Also I’m super excited for this new planet because with the exception of Vandor in the Solo movie, we haven’t had a lot of mountainous worlds. It looks like there’s some kind of city/settlement at high elevation with all the clouds and snow blowing around. Consider my interest... piqued :)

Then there’s this. Mmm. 😏

This is the first time we’ve seen Kylo Ren fighting like this. So far his personal acts of violence have been either execution, interrogation, or dueling. But here, this is him on the ground, fighting alongside his troops.

I am ready.

Although it does beg the question, what are they pushing towards that would cause him to get so directly involved, especially since he’s the Supreme Leader now? Or maybe something happened (Hux’s coup?) so he doesn’t have the manpower to do the dirty work anymore which means he has to handle it himself. Of course, we haven’t seen much of his leadership style. He could be a hands-on kind of guy. I don’t know, but it’s got to be big - or personal. 

Also, sorry, but the guy that Kylo is demolishing here is not the same guy Kylo stabbed in Rey’s Force vision from TFA - he doesn’t have the same weapon, although they may be connected. Plus, there’s more than one of these guys. If you watch the actual trailer, you can see a similarly dressed person run in from the right just before the jump. So, sadly, I don’t think this is a Knight of Ren, although that would be frickin’ AWESOME.

Speaking of things that are not, that’s not Kylo’s hands in this scene repairing the helmet. Although my boy is definitely embracing the First Order color scheme with the red accents on his helmet and TIE fighter. I’m a fan of all-black myself, but the Supreme Leader’s gotta represent. Interesting to note, however, that in the one scene of Kylo Ren we have in the trailer, he is sans helmet. It’ll be fun to see how the timeline of these shots works out.

MA BOYS. 

And damn do they look fine.

Presumably they’re on that same desert planet that Rey and Kylo were on, practicing flips earlier in the trailer. So how did Rey get to be alone? When does Kylo show up? Is Finn holding Rey’s staff? What’s their objective here? SO MANY QUESTIONS.

And meet D-0, BB-8′s adorable new pal. I’m already in love. Droids are honestly some of the most underappreciated characters throughout the SW saga as L3 would be quick to tell you. Except maybe for Chewbacca, who doesn’t get nearly enough credit for all the shit he’s had to put up with. 

And here he is with LANDO CALRISSIAN. The best thing to happen to the Solo movie, and I’m sure he’ll be amazing in TROS too. I may also die if he and/or Chewie get a moment to speak with Ben, so if you don’t hear from me after December, that’s why.

This is also the only time we see the Falcon. We do see shots of other ships that could be what our Resistance friends are using, although one does go down if fiery flames. 

Our dashing duo again, always getting in trouble. I can’t tell you how excited I am for them to actually get to go on an adventure together along with Rey (and C-3PO of all people lmao). Yes, their journeys have be strongly intertwined in the last two movies, but getting to see them interact and observe their dynamics... I am ready.

And I’m just gonna say it. Poe Dameron and Finn are hot. Like, the Episode IX look for both of them is just so delicious, I love it.

Anyway, we get a brief glimpse of some action sequences: Stormtroopers with jet packs, maybe, chasing our Resistance darlings, and a ship getting shot down in a battle involving a Star Destroyer, maybe related to the shot of Kylo fighting on the ground earlier in the trailer?

This is clearly Leia’s hands. Don’t argue with me. 

And she’s holding one of the medals she awarded to Han and Luke at the end of ANH. But which one? And why? You know, besides making me ugly cry.

Then JJ Abrams and Lucasfilm just decided to sucker punch the world with this shot of Leia and Rey embracing.

It blows my mind how quickly these two latched on to each other with such affection, and the implicit trust we’ve seen in their brief scenes together in TFA and TLJ. I know Leia’s story in this movie is going to stab me in the heart.

Also, the background has that temperate forest look, so maybe it’s the same place as in the still of Rey trekking through a forest that you can see here along with several others.

Now, when does this happen, before or after the chase on the desert planet? I don’t know, but I’d like to think this is the same planet where Kylo Ren is body-slamming that guy to the ground because that’s also in a forest, although it’s looking pretty wrecked when Kylo’s there.

And maybe - don’t hate me - maybe Kylo’s in full-on battle mode, mowing down everything in his way, because something happened to Leia.

Total speculation, but something’s gonna happen, right?

And then this. Hell to the yes.

I’m just going to assume this is the second Death Star. I mean, this is either the first Death Star on Yavin or the second Death Star on Endor’s forest moon. It seems like it has a fairly temperate climate, not tropical like Yavin IV has. And at this point I’m assuming it’s the same planet with the other forest scenes, but we have such limited footage (literally less than three minutes) there’s no telling what’s happening.

But they’ve come a long way to get here, and this is a big moment. Something’s out there, something they need, something they have to do.

(Also there’s another great theory about what’s going to happen here by @gwendy85) 

We’ll always be with you

No one’s ever really gone

FADE TO BLACK.

PaLpAtInE’s CaCkLe😱😱😱

THE RISE OF SKYWALKER !!!?!?

So.

LISTEN UP PEOPLE! Kylo Ren is not the big bad. And he never has been. That’s gonna be the Emperor, every time. 

And the only way to take that bad bitch down is if Rey and Kylo team up, y’all. Don’t argue me on this one. 

Bonus: The music is optimistic throughout the trailer, and when the title is revealed, we get Kylo Ren’s (or should I say Ben’s?) theme taking a hopeful twist.

That’s it. That’s the story.

Now.

People that were missing from the footage: 

General Armitage Hux

Rose Tico

a new character, Jannah, played by Naomi Ackie

Kerri Russell’s character

Richard E. Grant’s character

(Thanks @nancylovesreylo for pointing out ones I’d missed!)

Obviously it’s a teaser, and you can only throw so much in, but it’s still curious to wonder at the choices they made. Granted, these characters can be found in still images or have been discussed in interviews, but we weren’t able to see them in action yet. Why? What are they up to?

Anyway, I want to hear your thoughts! If you have answers to my questions, I want to know!