#anyways keep the male validation and silly gifts coming

[catbuggirly]

I need to get my own place so I can be horny and play with toys and make content more often without being paranoid and uncomfortable and all that stuff but also living at home means I’m up a hundred a week and then I get to spend it and I’m pretty sure I have a shopping addiction trying to fill the void inside me and also it’s just fucking expensive being a girl like if I want to be hot it’s £50 wax every month, £50 nails every 3 weeks £100 on hair every two months, £30 lashes every 3 weeks and then I have to work and go places and do things and honestly I think I’d miss my family but I can’t cope with my parents and other times I can’t bear being appart from them and my sister needs me she’s only 14 so I have to take her places and cook her meals but then I feel like I’ll never get out of this city if I don’t leave now and honestly I think I must be evil or stupid or a terrible mix of both and everything is a waste anyways cause we’re all gonna die in the end and does it actually even work like I want it to and there so many things in my life and the world and the lives of people I love that I can’t fix and I try so hard but I literally just can’t and uni is kicking my ass and I’m so unprepared all the time and work sucks cause my boss hates me and the pay is shit and the hours are bad and the customers are rude and I try so desperately to stay on top of ally my competitive childhood hobbies just to feel things and it doesn’t work but they’re too intertwined with my personality to be okay with just letting them go but actually sometimes I do enjoy them and sometimes I don’t even know what I think and I need to break the cycle I need to break the goddamn cycle I need to I need to I need to because I’m actually going crazy. I hate the way I look I don’t know how I look I hate the way I look I don’t actually know what i look like I hate my body so much o need to fix it I’m loosing weight but it’s not enough not fast enough I feel like death all the time I simultaneously hate the way I look and don’t know how I look and I’m scared of foods and I can only eat certain ones and I think all my friends secretary hate me and think I’m wierd and I’m so alone all the time I need to fill the blind I need to fill the VOID anyways catbug rant over sorry sometimes a girl just needs to scream and can’t hope you never actually read this if you did I’m sorry for wasting ur time lmao

[worddonor]

Submission is Love

This title was taken verbatim from a section in a book I’ve been reading on-and-off for just under a year now entitled “Life Overflowing” by Bishop T.D. Jakes.  I received it as a gift for my birthday last year and have been reading a few pages here and there since then.  I’ve only just reached page 344 of 442.  I felt from my experiences this week it was quite appropriate that I share a few thoughts on them and the title of this post…also the timing couldn’t be better considering it’s 12:32 AM on Good Friday.

Submission.  I’ve always seen submission as utter weakness. Submitting or tapping out in MMA and wrestling is declaring, by tapping your hand on the mat or on your opponent, that you have been beaten and that you concede victory and the spoils thereof to them.  It indicates that you have essentially given up the power you possess to them.  It’s a huge deal as demonstrated in our overly competitive society: submission is scoffed at, it’s seen as embarrassing and humiliating – constantly (with men especially, but now also in female circles I’ve noticed) people are challenging each other in various different scenarios from actual physical bouts to subtle disses from people at work or even in friendship circles (no-one is perfect I suppose).  On the roads and on social media, the one-upmanship is brutal.  More power, I need MORE POWER! I need NEW, NEWER IS BETTER! I want NOW, NOW IS WHEN I WANT IT!! If I make a cutting friendly-not-friendly remark and you don’t fire back and instead submit – I pity you…at least that’s what I imagine people to feel: pity and not at all respect.  I almost always submit first time as I’m not gifted enough in the art of the clever comeback yet or I’m afraid I get so angry that I overstep the mark and say something rude.  Verbal jousting is a skill and it seems a way to build friendships though too, which is odd – guys tend to have that down pretty good.  Once a person has found a challenging opponent it makes ‘beating’ them all the more satisfying, a salve that makes the person feel better about themselves and restores the lost confidence and power initially stripped away by their insecurity.  Anyway, this can get out of hand hurting other people which perpetuates the circle of hurting begetting more hurting indefinitely.  No-one will explicitly admit to these things, but the evidence is everywhere: road rage (rage being the key word here), body shaming on social media and any verbal slight, however subtle, where a person feels threatened by the pure existence of another person that reminds them of what they could be and so feels the need to put them down so they may by default be lifted up.  

I’ve always seen submission as weakness and it is a message consistent with what the world projects. Acceptance of authority over you means giving up your power and independence, submitting means losing, submitting means allowing yourself to be used and abused and taken advantage of (if you’re not Caucasian or a born-free in South Africa then it may touch a particular set of nerves…then again if you ARE Caucasian it might touch some nerves for opposite twisted reasons…sjoe), submitting = losing.  For insecure people who feel like losers in many areas (this guy right here), and you’re forced to submit and give over your power in the last place you feel you have some control or power over: it can get ugly and everything bubbles to the surface.  Anger bursts out and the expletives shoot out like an automatic weapon with ammo for weeks…’losing it’ would be the ‘radio edit’ term for that EXPLICIT song.  I had one such incident occur this week that I’m sure would very much confuse anyone who knew I’d been a consistent church-going gent for over a year now.  It was ugly, the man (a young man in a flat peak cap) in the other vehicle was still talking on his phone while shouting at me and simultaneously piloting his car having raced past me after said ‘incident’, upset at the fact that I had moved into his lane while he had fallen asleep and dropped far behind in said lane to answer a call with one of his hands only to look up and find my car in front of his slowing down for a truck that was ahead of me.  

Anyhoo.

I was fuming, but I have asked for forgiveness on this one for reacting poorly to his raving at me, forgetting will be a tad harder.  

Deep down I assume he was angry because he really wasn’t paying full attention and couldn’t safely move to the third lane on the right immediately and had to slow down (submit) to my speed – “I’m a red-blooded Caucasian male: I submit to no-one!” Submitting = losing.

Deep down I was angry because I consider myself to be a considerate motorist, keeping left and passing right (knowing the capabilities of what I pilot these days) and for moments when slower trucks occupy the left lanes of two lane highways (we drive on the left side of the road bee-tee-dub): I move over to the left for those moving along at a more urgent pace in the right lane as soon as a safe gap appears.  Most are oblivious or don’t care and will stay in one spot forever.  Always submitting.  Always losing to self for the greater cause.  The fact that he was on my tail, couldn’t move – then hooted frantically AND proceeded to gesture rudely ticked me straight off.  Perhaps I should have stayed tortoise style and waited for a good while for him to pass, what was one more overly considerate move?  In that moment though, I was fed up.  I was done losing for nothing.  I was fed up of letting people through, doing the right thing and being trampled on because of other people’s errors of judgment.  It happens at so many levels for me right now which is why it tipped me over the edge and annihilated restraint in that moment. Somewhere deep inside, the silly mistakes I’ve been making in certain other areas of my life’s frustrations pushed the heat up. Plus the fact that I’m a person of colour who is not perhaps living to my fullest potential and possibly letting many around me down, bolsters a stereotype that looms above my kop.  Like race has anything to do with it: all these words come from my head and my perspective and what I perceive to be true which could very well be FAR from it. Who I should be (or think I should be: ambitious to a fault, a hustler, a fast driver, a smooth talker, a joker, charming, flashy, an extroverted introvert, arrogant, a commander-in-chief) is at odds with who I feel I am and want to be (a dreamer, thoughtful, a cruiser when on the long road except for the odd twisty pass, patient, kind, considerate, introverted, quietly confident, a soldier and messenger).  In that moment I was tired of submitting (what I felt it was) in all areas of life, submitting to other people’s domination of conversation, submitting to other people’s will for me, submitting to other people’s opinions of me.  I was tired of losing for some perceived, twisted greater cause, I truly wanted to win…at least in some area, because: submitting = losing.

But you see, no.  It does not.

Firstly what I perceived to be losing is not losing: it’s doing the right thing in the case of motoring. That is how it should be, it’s a submission to law, to authority and because most people do not care for authority, this doesn’t make what they do OK.  In the case of submitting to or restricting myself in conversation or following other people’s will for me to please them and so obtain validation is also misguided: I am not being a martyr, we are not meant to cower to others’ will when it goes against the commandments in the good book.  

No.

To quote a paragraph dealing with submission from the Bishop T.D. Jakes book I’ve been reading,

“It is a term that has a military connotation and indicates soldiers or troops being drawn together in order, none breaking rank, turning on each other, or walking in disobedience to those in authority over them.  So the New Testament meaning is that we are to be subject to one another in the divine callings and order in which our supreme commander, the Lord Jesus Christ, has placed in us.  We are not to assert ourselves or have a self-centred, independent spirit; but we are to accept His commission to serve humbly and in love toward one another.”

Another passage expands on this,

“Love is willing to yield. It is not selfish, demanding, or self-centred.  Lust, on the other hand, is always based upon self-need and self-gratification.  What self wants, self acts to get.  Love, in contrast, seeks not her own.  It is willing to submit.  Love is always more concerned about the care and welfare of the other person in a relationship.”

To learn what Love is from God Himself: read 1 Corinthians 13 verses 4-8.

We are here to please God by submitting to His will for our lives and to love and serve people.  If we follow Jesus’ example: He loved people and served people.  He washed His disciples’ feet.  Who are we to think we’re above serving and loving our fellow man?  I struggle to build relationships with people, if I ever do I believe this is the way to it – through the written word.  It feels almost impossible to keep relationships going around me and I know my desires of late have been to withdraw and disappear totally from view, but the Law is clear: it is a commandment from God to love my neighbour as myself, we were not made to walk alone.  It is God’s will that I follow His commandments.  Jesus submit to His Father’s will even to death, for us.

If that is not Love, then I’m not sure what is.

Thank you Lord for opening my eyes to see that until I submit to living according to your commandments and submitting to the people in authority, as commanded by You, in my life: I am living in sin and will be travelling in the opposite direction of purpose and far away from your will for me here on Earth.  I cannot expect to grow if I’m stubbornly holding on to the old man for fear of losing those I Love.  I must trust in You, You will make my paths straight.

There’s still a long way to go yet. 

[kraken-spines]

Masks by E.C.Blake (2013)

First Line: “From atop a nameless mountain, the Autarch of Aygrima watched another of his villages burn.” 

Ugh. This was horrible. I’ve been procrastinating on writing reviews because this will be a rant. It slipped into my possession since my library didn’t put it in the YA section. But I guess the constant rape threats put this one in the adult section. I don’t know. It’s just really bad.  

Mara, a fifteen year old girl has a ‘Gift’. Meaning she can see magic. Except something goes wrong at her masking and she gets kidnapped 45325383 times but she’s still pretty and magical though so don’t worry. 

~Spoilers~

The Good: 

Really, there is nothing. My general association with masks in fantasy is that it means social or political intrigue and assassins. There is none in this book. That’s my fault. 

The Bad:

Gratuitous Rape - I’m completely fine with rape being in books. It’s a matter of how it’s used. Mara has at least 12 rape threats in this book, 

Boys will be Boys - Mara thinks it’s funny that boys wanted to fondle/oogle/dress her unconscious body after she was nearly raped. Again. Why does she think it’s funny? Because they’re the ‘handsome good guys she’s known for 3 minutes’. Honestly it’s one of the weirdest scenes in the book. Along with the needless upskirt scene we get early one with a guard boy looking up 12 year old Mara’s tunic. 

Waiting to be rescued - It’s basically one of Mara’s passions in life. And that’s what the whole book is about. 

Deus Ex Machinimas Galore! - Where do I start?

-When Mara is disfigured for life by her mask coming off the Healer gives her a new face and she no longer is scarred even though Mara’s face was ripped off. Because Mara’s main attribute is being pretty, we can’t mess that up I guess.

-Unmasked Army saves Mara in the nick of time before she actually has to do any mining. 

-Mara still has her magic. Even though all other unmasked do not. And she’s just as strong as before. And she could see all the colors of the rainbow before. Which no one else could do. Wow. So amazing. 

-Survived going down a river at night when she didn’t know how to swim and held on a log to survive. Yeah. Um. Good luck with that in real life. 

-The hut that Mara is assaulted in just so happens to be full of magique. She also gets rid of Grute’s body using her magic. Even though every other gifted person in the Aygrima world needs to be trained to use magic especially to the extent she does. But Mara doesn’t because she’s a ~natural~. 

-Katia and a random boy managed to get Mara out to the surface alive after Katia broke her arm so badly the bone popped out and Mara hit her head on a rock. 

-Ethelda the healer manages to save Mara again. Randomly. Saving Mara’s life and prevents her from getting scars and tells Mara not to worry because the scar that Mara is left with can be hidden under her hair... Um. I think she has bigger problems then a little scar. And why would someone wear their hair loose when working in mines anyways? 

-Mara also doesn’t need to touch magic to make it work. Making her even MORE  of a special snowflake.

Everyone urinates, but I shouldn’t need to read about it every single time - For a book so fascinated with bodily functions there’s never any mention of periods. Granted, Mara apparently doesn’t have one, so she’s basically on the cusp of having a medical concern granted this is never addressed  as an issue. Which means in future books it’s either A) Never addressed or B) Made into some super revolutionary moment which is just silly in most circumstances. And kind of tells me, as a reader, between Mara’s childishness, height, and growth Blake really wanted to write about a 12 or 13 year old. Not a 15 year old. Why is Mara diapered so often? And why is this always crucial for Mara to lament over for a paragraph or six?

Shallow, Lazy, Conflicting Worldbuilding - Nuff said. Why do masked people get to rape when that’s penalized when they go for a masking? Wouldn’t the mask break? Why would anyone agree to being masked in the first place? How can people control a 13 year old’s experience with magic if they can’t even keep one in the house? It’s just a cliche evil villain fantasy setting. Also this: 

THE WORLDBUILDING IS TAUGHT TO THE READERS IN A SCHOOL SETTING. It’s really condescending, I’m too old for this. 

It doesn’t get much lazier than that. And there isn’t really much to teach. But Blake Mara’s teachers really seem to think so. 

Mara - Gaping, Gasping, Embarrassed, Flushing, Flat and Pretty. And crying for her “stoofy” and her “Daddy” never have I ever heard a 15 year old talk how Mara talks. It’s just cringe worthy and infantalizing. She makes dumb choices, all the time. She’s got the personality of a 3 year old which is probably why she can still see all the colors of magic. 

Why would she go bathing alone when she knew Grute was on the loose? If she wanted to go bathing why wouldn’t she go with another one of the girls? This made no sense at all. 

Women are weak or mean, Men aren’t-  Woman who treats Mara like a little sister? Dies. Girl that Mara tries to befriend and save? Commits murder suicide. Woman that supersedes Mara in rank at the mines? Threatens Mara. Mara’s mother? Chastises her constantly, is oblivious to the fate of her daughter and isn’t as cool as ‘Daddy’. Mara’s BFFL? Ignores Mara once she’s masked. Unmasked army leader? Plays tough love with Mara. Plastic Surgeon woman? Reveals Mara’s secret to the person in charge. Random girl who gets her masking? She’s got large breasts and a ‘stupid flower mask’. 

The only female character that seemed like a good friend for Mara was the girl who kicked Grute and she barely shows up in favor of the pervy boys. Ugh. All positive and strong characters are male. It’s particularly telling when Mara is hostage again and she wishes for various men to save her. Not for a single woman nor does she try to plot her own escape. She might as well be a rock with a bunch of magic considering how passive she is for majority of the book. Granted we have a few creepy men but they’re all ugly so that means they’re bad and scary. 

Edrik validating Mara’s assault - This scene was so messed up. Who the fuck makes a sexual assault victim go back to the scene just to prove it happened? Why didn’t any of the other women speak up against this? It just seemed like pointless sadism and a waste of time from ‘the good guys’. Then Keltan guilts Mara by saying he told his story about his name as well. But that is literally not the same thing. Mara is being asked to prove she was sexually assaulted and Keltan never was interogated that viciously. The two aren’t even on the same level.

Incompetent Unmasked army - Fortunately the Masked are also incompetent so it’s all good.  

Hyperfocus on breasts - I get it. Mara is flat. Who cares? Really who cares? The fact that I know more about the size of women’s breasts in this book and less about their personalities or even hair color, speaks volumes. 

Predictable - Everything that you think happens. Happens. 

The Best:

It’s over -  And I’m not going to read anything by Blake again. Lesson learned.

Overall: Don’t be like me. Masks don’t equal social intrigue or assassins. I can’t recommend this book. If you’re a fan of Deus Ex Machinas, cliches, rape as backstory, vapid protagonists  with a hint of insta-love? I guess I could. You’d really be in for a treat then. 1/5.