#anyways i put best on purpose. i want you to be objective ish

[gentaroukisaragi]

Best Reiwa Kamen Rider Opening thus far?

Here's a refresher if you need it:

Kamen Rider Zero One: REALxEYEZ by JxTakanori Nisikawa

Kamen Rider Saber: Almighty - The Masked Promise by Tokyo Ska Paradise Orchestra

Kamen Rider Revice: liveDevil by Da-iCE featuring Subaru Kimura

Kamen Rider Geats: Trust • Last by Koda Kumi x Shonen no Kaze

so once more i ask you

[wrathbite]

About soft and hard magic systems- by applying limitations on magic you are actually making the system harder overall! Magic might be able to do pretty much anything in a setting, but its more interesting if the character who can use magic is limited and has to think about how to use what they have to solve their problems. A mage with only fire magic has to think laterally if they want to solve a ghost dilemma with magic, and that tension is itself tasty.

Magic can be as soft as it needs for your vibes, but when a character is gonna use magic to solve a problem, it's handy to have rules or limitations in place to fuel creative solutions. A magic system as a tool for the characters to use is made more interesting by its limitations, rather than its stengths. If you can only fly when music is playing, that's objectively weaker than just flight but it provides more interesting storytelling opportunities

I actually don't like how dnd treats magic- its basically a bunch of bullets that the spellcasters shoot and there's no focus on stuff like "how does it feel to use magic?". It's a hard system so rigid that it ignores storytelling, and encourages dms to use the spell list as the end-all-be-all of what magic is capable of. So specializations and customizations is a great way to get around that storytelling conceit for players. The list is just spells that your player can learn, but it is by no means all the spells anyone in the world can learn- and that's a sentiment that's easy to convey in a novel but easy to forget when playing a ttrpg.

Anyway soft magic and hard magic systems don't have to be opposed they can work together. Harry Potter magic overall can do whatever it needs to but Harry himself needs his wand and the incantation to do a specific spell, and he usually has a repertoire of like 3-6 spells per book. Overall it's a soft system but the character interacts with it as if it were a harder system.

Stories are great and I hope you have a good day byee

Hi! Thank you for the message :)

I understand the idea that putting limitations on magic does make it harder overall. I didn't mean to imply that I thought my take was a pure Soft Magic System (tm). On a sliding scale between Soft Magic (1) and Hard Magic (10), I think I like it best around the 3-4 range.

I agree and disagree with your take that magic systems are made more interesting by their limitations. I think that's entirely dependent on the vessel that the person using said magic is. In a book or story, where a characters actual purpose to us is to be a plot conduit, I think that harder magic systems get in the way of that character's purpose. It can be interesting in the sense that you the reader get to guess at how they'll use their magic to solve their issues, but I think that sometimes it gets in the way of the story itself. In a game like dnd, where the characters need a harder framework bc it is a game with rules (and lets be honest, dnd is basically a combat simulator, and if it weren't there wouldn't be a need for such a stringent rule system). Of the two of these, my tags were referring more to the former. I brought up dnd bc I play it a lot and I wanted to share how my preference in literature flavors how I run my games.

I agree that dnd magic system isn't good for telling stories. I think you and I are on the same page with that. Dnd is a game and to be commercially sold its important that it has some semblance of balance, and to keep min-maxxers from just steamrolling anything.

Soft and hard magic work best in conjunction. Going to either side makes the story feel either a bit too sci-fi/physics-y for my tastes or a bit too fairy-tale-ish.

Also, in the nicest way possible, please don't bring up Harry Potter to me. I IDed as a trans woman and am still trans/nb. JK Rowling can choke.

[itsme-autumn]

Quite the Welcome

Author: @itsme-autumn​ Pairing: Jax Teller x Reader Warnings: smut to the max, degradation, humiliation, cum play, anal plug, anal sex, dirty talk, rough sex, Dom/sub(ish?), praise kink

A/N: Okay, guys. It’s been a whileeeee. I’ve been too busy reading fics to write my own. 😂 This is by far the dirtiest thing I’ve ever written and it’s all @hotdamnhunnam​ ‘s fault. This is straight up porn. You’ve been warned. Mistakes are bound in be in here because I only read through it once. Hope you all enjoy!

Shifting back and forth on your feet, you pull out your phone again to check the time. You had been counting down the days and could barely sleep last night you were so excited, but now you were nervous. 

Jax had been inside for 6 months and it was the longest 6 months of your fucking life. Literally. You missed him in every way possible, but the throbbing between your legs indicated that someone had missed him even more. 

Like the universe was reading your mind–or more accurately, your pussy–you heard the familiar roar of motorcycles coming down the street. They pulled in the clubhouse lot with Jax in front and you almost melted into a puddle on the pavement at the sight of him. Free, riding his bike, and with his kutte replacing his orange uniform, you’d never seen him look so happy.

That was, until he saw you. He pulled off his helmet, throwing it carelessly and you launched yourself at him. Squeezing him so hard he actually lost his breath for a few seconds. His arms engulfed you and even though you were allowed to hug during visitation it still felt like you hadn’t really held him since he’d gone inside.

“Jesus, you have no idea how good it is to have you my arms babe.” Jax’s hot breath was heavy in the crook of your neck and you let out a deep sigh of contentment. You would purr if you could. 

“Welcome home, Jackson.” You pulled back and looked into his eyes, you could barely see them he was smiling so big. He reached up to the back of your neck and grabbed a fistful of your hair, pulling you in for a kiss you’d normally be self-conscious about, but right now you didn’t give a shit.

The kiss quickly turned heated, almost inappropriate giving the setting when his hand found your ass. 

Oh, who were you kidding, there is almost no such thing as inappropriate with these guys. You could hear the wolf-whistling from different patches around you but you couldn’t bring yourself to stop or even care that you had an audience. Your man was home, dammit.  

After some time spent at the clubhouse, the guys were rounded up for church. You figured that would give you enough time to go home and get ready for him before he arrived. You were already planning what lingerie set to change into when he took your hand and lead you outside towards your car.

As you leaned in to kiss him goodbye, he grabbed the hair at the back of your neck and pulled your head back to look up at him. The move surprised you and your eyebrows rose in question.

The look he’s giving you is borderline evil with that shit eating grin you missed so much.

“As soon as you get home, I want you naked and on all fours with your ass in the air on our bed. You will wait for me like that, is that clear?”

His voice comes out deep and rough and your panties are officially ruined. 

It takes a couple seconds for your brain to start functioning again, but you manage to nod your head a little with his grasp still firm on your neck.

“Good. Because as much as I’ve missed you,” he pulls you in close and whispers in your ear, “I’ve missed this mouth, this pussy, and this ass even more.”

You might just cum here and now from his words alone. 

“By tonight, all three of your holes will be filled with my cum.”

You got home in record time. Your hands were shaking so bad it took you three tries to get your key in your front door. 

Making a beeline for your bedroom, you discard your clothes haphazardly, leaving a trail for Jax to follow when he arrives. You get on the bed and push your ass out facing the door and try to relax. You can already feel how wet you are, you wouldn’t be surprised if he’ll be able to smell you soon as he walks in the house. The humiliation sends goosebumps all over your skin. Jesus, you missed this.

Determined to not check the clock, time lost all relevance. You’d probably fall asleep if you weren’t so worked up. How long has it been? An hour? 15 minutes? You wanted to get up and peek out the window for him, but Jax told you wait like this and you didn’t want to disappoint him or risk being punished already. That would put a damper on his welcome home and you weren’t gonna let that happen.

So you waited.

After what felt like an eternity, you finally heard his bike pulling in your driveway. Your heart rate started to pick up and you closed your eyes in anticipation. Your pussy was practically leaking down your legs.

You strained your ears to hear every movement he made once he was in the house. You heard him shrug out of his kutte and hoodie and you thought you heard the fridge door open. The bastard.

You almost yelled out to him but you willed yourself to be patient. So focused on not speaking or moving from your designated spot, you didn’t even hear him walk down the hall.

“Well isn’t that a pretty sight.”

Your eyes spring open and you turn your neck a bit to see him leaning on the door frame, hands in his pockets. 

“Quite the welcome home, sweetheart. I could stare at that dripping wet pussy all day. In fact...”

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone, before you can turn your face away, he snaps a few photos while stepping closer to the bed. Your face is heating up but you don’t dare move.

Right when you think he’s going to finally fucking touch you, he bends down that box under your bed. Oh god, yes. Love that box. He finds what he’s looking for and returns it to it’s spot. You hear an object land on the bed next to you but it’s just out of your line of sight. He did that on purpose. How in the hell is he this patient?? Six months, Teller. Six. Fucking. Months. 

Or six non-fucking months to be more accurate. You chuckle in your head at your own wit.

Then you feel his breath on your pussy and you can’t help but clench a little bit. He must notice because he chuckles a bit.

“Did this pussy miss me, too? I think it did. It’s soaking wet.” You feel his fingers spread your pussy wide for him to look at. “Too bad it’ll have to wait it’s turn.”

You whine a little before you can help it and he sends a quick but brutal smack to your right ass cheek. “None of that. You will take what I give you, got it?”

You breathe out a quick “I know, I’m sorry. I just missed you so much babe. Please use me. Jesus, I need it.”

“I know you do. I want to work on this ass a bit first though. Were you a good girl for me?”

“Yes, Jax. I haven’t used anything in my ass. Just for you.” Good lord you sound so....so...well, horny. You’re super fucking horny and you need Jax to do something. Now.

“Good girl.” He sinks one finger in your pussy but quickly pulls it out and starts to rub circle around your other entrance and then slowly pushes it in. He works it in and out before adding a second finger. You’re panting and devoting all of your energy into not pushing back even you want to so badly.

“I’m gonna plug your ass for now, make sure it’s ready for me.” Something cold and hard touches your pussy. Once he’s got the plug coated in your wetness he slowly works it into your ass, twisting and pulling, then pushes the whole thing inside of you. You gasp at the sensation. You’re not sure what one he used but he definitely didn’t use your smaller ones.

“How’s that feel?”

“So good. Fuck, I want you, Jax. Please.” You’re not above begging at this point. This is not how you thought his homecoming would go. You thought he would throw you over his shoulder and at least the first round would be quick and dirty.

Maybe he would have done that a few years ago, but the club has brought out a darkness in Jax. While you both still have plenty of soft, fluffy moments, this is something you know he needs. He needs the control, the release. And you are more than happy to be of service to him. 

“I love when you beg for me, darlin’. Do you remember what I said before you left today?” His fingers are just skimming over your skin, up your thighs and over your ass.

“Mhmm....” You are reaching your breaking point here and he knows it.

“Say it.” His voice leaves no room for argument and you clench again, feeling the plug shift a little.

“That you were going to fill all of my holes with your cum.” Your face heats again.

“Mmmm.” Expecting more teasing, you let out a cry when he pulls you off the bed by your hair and manhandles you so you’re on your knees before him. His pants are already undone (when did that happen?) and with one hand still in your hair, he reaches into his boxers and pulls out his rock hard cock so it’s right in front of your face. 

“Better get started then.”

You don’t have time to say anything because as soon as you open your mouth, Jax takes the opportunity to shove his entire length into your mouth. 

“That’s it, let me show you what your mouth is for you pathetic fucktoy. That’s my good girl.”

He’s relentless and you’re doing your best to keep up while getting the occasional breath through your nose. Gagging and choking on his thick-as-fuck cock, you have spit and precum dripping down your chin onto your chest and you eyes start to water. Looking down at you, you see the combination of lust and dominance on his face.

“You look so good like this, I love how desperate you are for my cock. You want my spit, too?” He doesn’t wait for an answer–like you could voice one anyway–and spits on your face, then smearing it around with his thumb. 

“Now I’m going to cum in that cock hungry mouth of yours and you’re not going to swallow until I tell you, understand?” You nod slightly, which is an impressive feat with his cock in the back of your throat.

He cums in your mouth and you get nervous about holding it all in. You know it’s been awhile but damn. You manage to keep it all inside when his softening cock slips out of your mouth. 

“Open.”

You open your mouth wide for him.

“Good girl. Close and don’t lose a drop or you’ll be having cum instead of creamer in your morning coffee.”

The whore in you isn’t as disgusted as she should be, which brings around a whole new cycle of shame and arousal. God you are totally fucked for Jax Teller.

He notices your lack of objection and smiles a bit. “You like that idea, whore? Like my cum that much? And my spit? Maybe I’ll piss in your mouth next, see how good you take it.”

Yes. Yes please. You squirm on the floor, your arousal almost painful at this point.

“Bed. On your back. Legs apart. Knees up.”

You quickly do as you’re told and Jax leers over you. He reaches out and swipes one finger up your slit. 

“Jesus, you're soaked. Do you want to cum, baby?” His mouth pulls up in that cocky smirk of his. You nod your head immediately and he chuckles. “Yeah, I can see that.” He pushes two fingers into you and you can’t help but buck your hips because it feels so. damn. good. 

He pumps his fingers steadily faster and faster, hitting that spot inside you perfectly. Grabbing the sheets, you whimper, careful not to swallow his cum in your mouth. 

“You’re going to cum for me. Now.” His adds a third finger and brushes over your clit with his thumb and you almost shoot off the bed your orgasm is so strong. How you manage not to swallow is beyond you but before you can think about it too long, Jax is shedding the rest of his clothes and his cock is at your entrance. 

“This tight little pussy belongs to me, you understand?” He pushes inside of you in one thrust. 

“Mmmm-mmm!” You cry out as much as you can, the stretch of his cock is intoxicating–borderline too much–which is exactly what he wants. He owns your pussy. Hell, he owns all of you. 

“My dirty little slut, taking my cock so well, aren’t you?”

God, his dick is magical. How did you survive without it? You don’t think you’ve ever felt so full, the plug making your pussy feel even tighter. He starts pounding into you and you feel yourself getting close to cumming again.

“Your cunt is squeezing my cock so hard, sweetheart. You wanna cum again?”

You nod and squeal, hoping he’ll let you reach your peak again.

He smiles wickedly. “Beg for it.”

Whimpering is all you can do at this point but you try anyways to make a please-sounding noise through your closed, cum-filled mouth. “M-mmm”

“Hmm.” He pauses to act like he’s considering your plea. “Not good enough. Guess you’ll have to hold it.” Decision made, he continues to ruthlessly fuck your pussy.

Not sure if you can hold it anymore, your body starts to shake as you try desperately to keep from cumming. Tears start falling down the side of your face.

His thrusts start to become more erratic but even more brutal as he nears his end. Right as he’s about to cum, he lifts your knees flat against your chest, folding you in half. 

“Cum.” His gravelly voice growls out.

You don’t need to hear it twice, you both cum hard and your pussy clenches are his dick so hard he winces. He stays inside you for a minute while he catches his breath and presses his forehead against yours, kissing your nose lightly. He always sneaks in these little moments of affection and you bask in them and drink them up like water on a hot day. He pulls out slowly, and already you miss the fullness. He keeps his hands under your knees, and spreads them wide.

“Such a pretty pussy when it’s all filled up. Don’t let any of it spill out.” 

You hear his words but are still blissed out and coming down from your insane orgasm that he just gave you. “Mmmm....”

That wolfish grin returns to his goddamn gorgeous goddamn face and you know he’s up to something. He leans down and sucks hard on your clit with no warning. You squeal and squirm, wanting desperately to get away from the overstimulation but not able to without his cum spilling out of you.

He takes a short break and looks at you. “Think you can cum again, babe?”

“Nnnnnn...n-nnn...” You shake your head no. It’s too much. You can’t take it.

“I think you can. Hold still.” He presses you down into the mattress to help and goes back to sucking your clit like a fucking hoover. 

You close your eyes and try to relax your senses and let go. Within a few seconds you’re cumming so hard you almost black out. You wish you could take a deep breath through your mouth but you’re proud that you haven’t swallowed at all yet.

“That’s my good girl.” Jax pats your sensitive pussy a couple of times before turning his attention to the plug you still have inside you. He pushes the plug and you whine as it shifts a little. “You ready for me here? You want my cum in your ass, filing you up?” 

You don’t know why he keeps asking you questions when number one, he already knows the answers, and two, your mouth is a little busy at the moment. 

Jax pulls out the plug and pushes it back in. Out and in a couple more times before he finally throws it on the bed and reaches for the lube in the nightstand drawer that you always keep there. After rubbing some on his cock, he scoops up the extra with two fingers and pushes them into your ass to prep there as well. 

Jax Teller is one considerate sadist, you think.

He presses into your ass and even with the prep you can’t say it doesn’t hurt. You welcome it though. It hurts because Jax is here. In your house. Inside of you. You’ll take any pain or pleasure he wants to give you.

“Fuck, your little ass is tight. Such a good little cock taking slut for me. You like my cock in your ass? Yeah I know you do, my dirty little cockwhore loves it up the ass. I’m gonna cum in here, too. Then you’ll be nice and filled up with my cum. All your holes are mine, you hear that? This is all you’re good for, being a good little cumslut for me.”

His words make your eyes roll to the back of your head. You were never letting this man go. He pushes in faster and you know he’s gotta be close. 

“You still have my cum in your mouth? Open wide for me, baby.” You open your mouth, displaying his cum still inside. “Such a good girl for me, bet you’d like to swallow now, hmm?” You nod. “Mmm. But you’re not going to. No I think I like you being kept quiet with my cum. Close.” You close your mouth and brace yourself as he pounds into at an impossible pace.

When he comes he almost growls at his release. After holding his position a few seconds, he reaches across the bed and grabs the plug. He pulls out and quickly pushes the plug back in place. You whine at the intrusion, expecting a break.

He get’s up off the bed and says nothing before walking to the bathroom to clean up. You know better not to move until he tells you to, though. You reach up and grab behind your knees to keep them supported in this position. 

He leisurely makes his way back into the bedroom, he’s put on his grey sweat pants too. Goddamn those sweatpants.

“Look at you. All fucked out and filled up, beautiful. My own personal cumdump. I’m gonna go get a beer and something to eat. Don’t move until I get you. Oh, and don’t lose any of my cum.” With that he turns around and heads down the hall. He yells behind him “Love you babe, good to be home.” You snort a little and lay your head back.

Left alone, spread and exposed, every hole filled with Jax Teller’s cum.

Welcome Home, Jackson.

–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

Jax Tag List: @melissataggart87 @misssara1981 @lokilvrr @alievans007  @calirindo @leapingoveroblivion @curly-minnie @coffeebooksandfandom @mrsjaxtellerfan @mrspeacem1nusone @actuallyazriel @kitkat-589 @neverland14353 @traaya @sparklemichele @luvs2read2018 a-lethal-dose @beardburnsupersoldiers @stolenxkissess @hayley-stark

[digitalworldbound]

koukari 24 or kenkari 30? sorry for the challenge :p but if you're not comfortable with the pairings, go ahead with takari! :3

Pairing: ken x hikari

Summary: “I can’t talk to cute people, okay? I don’t know how to flirt!” (#30 from the prompt list)

Author’s Notes: I was revisiting my old fanfiction from when I was thirteen, and it reignited my love for cheesy AUs. So, I present to you my first ever KenKari content (I apologize if it is bad, but I've tried my best!)

on the corner of thompson rd. and fifth street stood a quaint structure with walls that appeared to sag and well-worn stairs. a seemingly hand-painted sign hung above the door way read : ♡ book 'n' brew ♡

in full honestly, the crooked hearts would of been enough to draw ken in completely had he not been on a search for a new coffee joint. earlier that september morning, a bug placed strategically in his starbucks cup stirred up the motivation to search for a more tasteful choice in brew.

mindless trotting about lead him to the worn, brick steps. many customers were slightly deterred by the haggard appearance of the building, but ken thought otherwise.

it was charming and smelled of home. plus, the little pink hearts were hard to dismiss.

pulling the smooth handle and trapping the chilly air behind him, ken opened the door and stepped in.

the store was quite small, as expected, but seemingly transported him away. warm fairy lights hung on the edges of tall, oak bookcases. the lights made ken’s dark cerulean eyes dance with wonder. while the oak cases were aging, they were sturdy. books lined the shelves in every way imaginable. when the books filled up the shelves vertically, the left-overs were placed haphazardly in the spaces between, whether that be on top of, in front of, or behind other books. the smell of well-loved pages filtered through the air, mixing with the smell of freshly brewed something.

the coffee! ken reminded himself.

humming a mindless tune under his breath, he made is way to the countered that was nestled in between two bookcases. plants, napkins and even more books littered the counter top. the owner, however, was nowhere to be found.

"hello?" ken’s crystalline voice called out.

"how may i help you?"

ken made a noise of surprise, not expecting the light, feminine voice to come from behind him.

a girl emerged from behind one of the bookcases, her hair swept to the side and held in place with a barrette. she looked ethereal in her loose dress, the extra fabric making her look like a bird ready for flight. she coughed quietly, her amber eyes drilling into his own with curiosity.

blush erupted like wildfire across ken’s cheeks. the tips of his ears burned in embarrassment. he was caught staring, but the stranger’s beauty was disarming.

"so?" the owner lightly suggested, a gentle reminder that ken still had yet to respond to her initial question.

"oh, yes! i was wondering if you had any coffee?" he finally spoke up. all too late, he realized his mistake. a flush rose to his neck, and ken had half the mind to run out of the store and never return.

raising an arched eyebrow, the stranger purposely flitted her eyes over to the obviously placed coffee pots, before turning her attention back to ken.

"hm, i would say that i do." she chuckled. her dress gently swayed behind her as she slipped behind the counter. Looking over her shoulder, she smiled in his direction.

"obviously." the boy muttered under his breath, embarrassment consuming him alive.

"pick your poison."

ken pretended to ponder his options. on a normal day - which this wasn't - he could always go for a medium roast coffee with creamer and two sugars, but today felt inexplicably different.

"i think i might go with some oolong tea today, if it isn't any trouble."

"of course not, silly. it's one of my personal favorites." the barista smiled. she turned around, completely engrossing herself in the task at hand while ken decided to explore the shop.

his fingers danced on the spines of novels and novellas, enjoying the way they felt beneath his fingertips. as a child, ken never had the attention span for reading. he was always distracted by the butterflies or colorful markers or dandelions. these things were real, and for him, the words in the books weren't.

consumed by his thoughts and the texture of the spines, ken drowned out the shop owner's declaration of warm drinks.

when the surprisingly small hand cupped the boy's shoulder, he jumped, knocking several books from their perch.

"oh no, i'm so sorry. usually, i'm not this clumsy." he offered, quickly picking up the fallen objects and shoving them haphazardly back onto the shelf. anxiety swirled in stomach; he felt like an absolute fool.

the owner simply smiled and pushed the small mug into ken's cold fingers. how long had it been since he stumbled into the shop? ten minutes? an hour? the thoughts were washed away with the first sip of tea, as the warm, comforting flavor washed away the flush on his cheeks.

"my name's hikari," the mystery barista offered, turning towards the door behind the cluttered counter space, "yell for me if you need anything else." she smiled, then disappeared.

"i'm ken ichijouji!" he called after hikari, but it was too late. her delicate frame had already slipped away, disappearing into further into the shelves.

with a barely distinguishable pout on his pink lips, ken sipped his oolong tea languidly and perched himself in recliner nestled into a dusty corner. the cloth on the seat had once been beautiful, ken was sure. years of patrons had worn away the bright red velvet into a thread-bare pink. it was s comfy, so ken snuggled himself deeper into the chair.

glancing around, he browsed the titles nearest to him.

viva by e.e cummings

pride and prejudice by jane austen

star girl by jerry spinelli

the hobbit by j.r.r. tolkien

hikari apparently had an interest in most things, not unlike ken. they just had interests in different places.

losing interest in the books quickly, ken demolished the luke-warm beverage and placed his dirty mug (that he now realized adorned the same little pink hearts as the sign that hung above the entrance way) next to the coffee pot and hurriedly yelled out his goodbyes.

he closed the old, wooden door, walked down the brick steps, and turned onto thompson rd. his stride was strong and his gaze was fixed onto some imaginative point on the horizon.

ken was on a mission.

-

the rest of his week was rough, even by ken's standards. book 'n' brew had been closed for the past five days, much to his dismay. ken had inherited the ability to burn water and couldn't be trusted to make his own tea. with the name-brand fix no longer being an option, five whole days without caffeine had put ken on edge.

it was a rather dreary sunday. the rain fell in sheets and drenched the ken down too his sock-less toes. inky black hair plastered to his forehead; his eyelashes had already clumped together. his wet sneakers lead him down the familiar cement of thompson rd. and his heart leap into his throat when he saw the lights on in the infamous bookstore.

the warm atmosphere was once again barren of any patrons (besides ken, of course). hikari was much easier to spot, given that she was directly behind the counter. ken’s heart-rate picked up; he was almost giddy.

hikari's hair was swept to the side again, the ends barely dancing across her shoulders. her billowy dress had been replaced by jeans and a t-shirt. an apron hung loosely off her thin frame. she wore the tea stains like accessories. his heart gave another weird flutter.

however, before he could question his reaction, ken became far too preoccupied with the smells of the quaint shop. cinnamon wafted around his ears while cocoa assaulted his nostrils.

the owner physically perked up when the wind chimes above the door sang a song, signaling the first customer of the day.

rain dripped from his clothes as ken walked towards the delicious aromas while mulling over the half-baked plan that he attempted to conceive a week prior.

it wasn't much. he just thought that hikari was impossibly cute and wanted an excuse to strike up a seemingly casual conversation. the only problem that presented itself was the fact that ken absolutely despised reading.

so, during his caffeine withdrawal, ken invested a part of his meager wages into a hoard of "spark notes" books. these were easier to understand and got straight to the point, anyways. every morning of his coffee-less week began with a literary classic. much to his dismay, the plots bored him to tears. lovers would fight and makeup, enemies would always become friends. books were too predictable.

nevertheless, when the shop was finally reopened, ken had the basic knowledge of not one, but five(ish) novels to use as conversation starters. he wanted to be prepared to keep her interest, no matter how small his understanding of the material.

"hello, hikari!" ken chirped, a bright smile spreading across his wind-nipped cheeks.

"good morning, ken ichijouji, how have you been?" though she was talking to him, her eyes never left the countertop she was cleaning. the shadows under her eyes did not go unnoticed, but ken decided against bringing it up.

" i'm great! i've been put off, though, as your shop hasn't been open in nearly a week."

hikari chuckled darkly, her eyes meeting his for the briefest of moments. "don't worry about that. i'm here now. would you like anything to sip on or any novels to escape into today?"

ken was slightly confused by the unusual turn hikari's behavior. her voice was no longer sweet, but laden with exhaustion. however, he let none of this deter him from his mission.

"yes, please. i would like a coffee with creamer and two and a half sugars, please."

the blue-eyed boy watched intently as hikari made his drink. In an effort to bring a smile to her face, ken joked that his preferred his coffee the color of his sun-kissed skin. despite how stupid it sounded, her cheeks warmed as she giggled. looking like an idiot was worth it if it meant that hikari would laugh like that.

"so," ken began as the silence settled in, "have you read any good books lately?" he took a quick sip of his coffee and let the warmth sink to his icy toes. september was almost over, but the chill of october was already creeping around the corner.

the corner of hikari's mouth twitched, and ken’s heart soared when he knew he made the correct choice.

"hm," the young woman started, her body relaxed against the cluttered surface of the counter., "i had you pegged as more of a 'movies-are-better-than-books' type of guy." her elbow grazed a stack of books that were balanced precariously on the edge.

"ah, well, of course not! i have loved reading since primary school." ken stuttered out. his face was a shade of deep red, resembling the worn-out velvet of the chair he was sat in. the lie sat uneasily at the pit of his stomach, but ken pushed it aside.

"well, to answer your question, i just finished the book thief by markus zusak." by now, a smile had warmed up hikari’s amber eyes, brightening the mood. rain still splattered against the shop windows, but the pair paid little mind.

"what was it about?" inquired ken. while he had no interest in reading, he certainly had an interest in whatever hikari was talking about. her slow, languid voice soothed him.

hikari eagerly rambled on and on about the characters and plot, being careful to only tease at the spoilers. ken stared intently into her eyes. he didn't have a clue what she was talking about, but he loved every minute of her voice ringing in his ears.

the coffee sat abandoned in his lap, warm long gone and chilly. the raven-haired boy took a drawn out sip, absentminded. furrowed eyebrows and a quirk of the month made hikari giggle in the midst of her story-telling.

once hikari’s story lulled to an end, ken began to talk about the books he didn't really read. he steered away from specifics and danced around with the big ideas. though her attention was divided behind between making herself a cup of tea and ken’s pride and prejudice synopsis, she seemed at ease.

"you remind me of Lydia Bennet, actually.” hikari’s hair whipped around, her eyes wide with surprise. ken was too preoccupied with the speech he prepared, one that he was sure would enthrall her. “you have that aura about you.”

“i have the aura of girl that would run away with a grown man at the age of fifteen?” the incredulousness in her voice snapped ken from his coffee-induced stupor. He hands shook. oh god, i should have read the book.

“the sparks notes didn’t mention that part.” his mouth reveals him before his brain can put a stop to it. “oh, god, i’ve ruined everything. i can’t talk to cute people, okay? i don’t know how to flirt!” his absolute, all-consuming panic must have been obvious from the way the warmth crept across his face.

her giggle caught him off guard. “how can you laugh at a time like this? i just compared you to a mother’s worse nightmare.” ken was miserable, doing his best to disappear into the cushion of the recliner.

“because it was endearing to watch you pretend to know what you’re talking about.” hikari said simply, her cheeks pink.

ken only hummed in response, not trusting his voice to respond. Instead, he basked in the warm atmosphere and tried to gain the inertia to take himself to work. while they sat in comfortable silence, mulling in the conversation, hikari leaned down and pried the empty ceramic mug from ken’s now-cold fingertips.

the contact sent a shiver down his spine, his heartrate skipping sporadically in his chest. he was on fire.

and ken knew.

he knew by the blush that rose in the girl’s cheeks, and the look of confusion still in her eyes. ken knew that coffee was good, but it had never tasted better than when he was with her. he had never tried so hard to gain the attentions of the girl, never expecting himself to be willing to do research on a subject that didn't interest him just for the sake of conversation.

the realization shook him to his core.

ken knew that he was falling for her.

so he did what he was best at.

he ran.

"oh my, look at the time. i am going to be late for my shift. it's been good. thanks for the coffee." he slammed a wad of money on the counter and rushed to the door, wind chimes tinkling after him.

hikari's goodbyes were caught in her throat.

[blackpoliglota]

Moi assistant une réunion qui aurait été un e-mail...

This is me in that scenario and now after having spent WAY TOO MUCH TIME looking for a GIF for this post... that doesn't even fit the space properly on the desktop version 😭😭😭

Ah well, much ado about nothing, I suppose... anyway, I'M BAAAAAAAAAACK!!! So sorry for the unannounced hiatus... which wasn't really much of a hiatus, as I was still reblogging things BUT STILL. I ended up getting super sidetracked with teaching and dealing with the biggest headache on the planet known as the Spanish Beaurocracy™️🤦🏾‍♀️ Seriously y'all, those people DO NOT know how to do their jobs! If you want to hear about the fun time of trying to get my papers in order so I could remain a legal foreign resident, lemme know! Well, even if you don't I may create a post solely dedicated to that anyway; I could use the opportunity to let out some steam.

Now without further ado, onto my first original post of 2021!!!

As you may have guessed, this is about emails, particularly those written in French. I have 2 recent-ish emails I sent off to a college French professor asking for a recommendation letter for a fellowship. Wanting to keep up my French skills (and not disappoint my former professor), I used that opportunity to practice French by setting aside several lovely hours of my life for each email... yep, you read it right, HOURS. If I wrote those emails in Spanish it would've only taken me a hour tops for each email, but since this is French we're talking about here I had to spend the majority of my email-writing time looking up virtually every other word/phrase, cringe over each eventual sentence(s) I'd create with said word/phrase, and ultimately convince myself to move onto the next sentence to repeat that same process. . . all of this with taking a break after every 3rd sentence due to being lowkey dissuaded from continuing. . . fuuuuuuuun🙃🙃🙃

Anyway, not all language learning sessions are great. BUT, ya gotta push through those annoying/bad times to achieve greatness, amirite? Right, so with that being said, ALLONS-Y!!!

So I mentioned having spent the majority of my time looking up words and phrases for these 2 emails, meaning I now have a lovely list of vocabulary to get through! Check it out below:

Le premier e-mail

La Nouveauté - innovation / novelty / originality / freshness [In the email I mistakenly used it to mean "news", when I really should have used "nouvelles"]

À part - Aside from

La folie - madness / lunacy / insanity / chaos

Supporter - To put up with / to tolerate / to bear

Pour l'instant - For the moment

Falloir (qqch)- To have to do (sth) / must do (sth) [In the email I mistakenly used it to mean "should", when I really should have used "devoir"]

Déménager - To move (house)

L'essai (m.) - Try / attempt

Remettre - To turn in / to hand over [there are many more meanings for this verb, but in the email it's used to mean this]

Le formulaire - (Application) Form

Le faute - Fault / mistake / error

La date limite - Deadline

Faire face à - To deal with / to face

Opérer - To operate / to work / to function

Quoi qu'il en soit - Anyway / either way / be that as it may

Ce que - What [As an antecedent, not a question word]

Se rendre compte de (qqch) - To realize / to become aware of (sth)

La bourse - Scholarship / fellowship / grant / stock market

Requérir - to require / to call for

Le solliciteur / la solliciteuse - Petitioner / solicitor [In the email I mistakenly used it to mean "applicant", when I really should have used "demandeur / demandeuse" according to WordReference]

Le motif - Reason / motive / pattern / motif

Si longtemps - So long [As in "such a long time"]

Le thème - Topic / subject / theme

La déclaration personnelle - Personal statement

La déclaration d'intention - Statement of purpose

Payer le luxe - To have the luxury (to do sth) / to afford (to do sth)

Urger - To be urgent [In the email I mistakenly used it to mean "to oblige", when I really should have used "obliger"]

Amitiés - Best Wishes / All the Best [Letter sign-off]

And for the sake of breaking up these two lists so you won't be too overwhelmed at all the vocab I need to study, here's a picture of the first email below:

Now for the next one!

Le deuxième e-mail

Le tour - Turn

Désolée de. . . - Sorry for. . .

Tel (m.) / telle (f.) - Such (a)

À temps - On time

Lié (m.) / liée (f.) - Related / connected

L'affaire (f.) - Matter / issue / business

Le séjour - Stay / temporary residence / family room / living room

Donc - Therefore [Grammatical position is after the verb, after "pas" if negation is present]

Une fois encore - Once again

L'objet (m.) - (Email) Subject / object / purpose / target

La nouvelle normale - The New Normal [COVID-19 related]

Vécu - Lived [Past participle of the verb "vivre"]

Propre - (One's) Own / clean / tidy / neat

Lorsque - While / when / as soon as

S'étonner - To be surprised / to be astonished / to be amazed

Chacun de nous - Any one of us / each of us

Poursuivre - To continue / to pursue / to keep up

Presque - Almost

L'enseignement de l'anglais langue étrangère - Teaching English as a Foreign Language [abbrv. "TEFL"]

Instituteur (m.) / Institutrice (f.) - (Primary school) Teacher

Le déménagement - Move / moving

Devenu(e) - Became [Past participle of the verb "devenir"]

L'éducateur / l'éducatrice - Educator

Le retour - Return

Bien que - Although / even though

La carrière - Career

La demande - Application

Écrasant (m.) / écrasante (f.) - Overwhelming / crushing / heavy

En réalité - Actually / in fact / in reality

Le résultat - Result

La ronde des finalistes - Finalist round

Alors que - While / even though

Les études (f.) - Studies

Réviser - To review

La communauté - Community

À ce sujet - On that note / speaking of which

À l'avenir - In the future

Postuler à (qqch) - To apply for (sth)

Scolaire - Academic / scholastic

S'améliorer - To improve / to upgrade / to get better

La capacité - Ability / capability

Cela dit - That (being) said

Fou (m.) / folle (f.) - Crazy / insane / mad / wild

Être en bonne santé - To be healthy

Être en sécurité - To be safe

Jurer - To swear / to vow / to curse / to cuss

Le temps de réponse - Response time

Chaleureusement - With Warm Regards / Warmly [Letter sign-off]

And here is the second email itself:

As you can see, I blocked out the name of my professor because Consent Tings™️. Hopefully the email images help with putting the vocab into context! I plan to make quizlets for these vocab words soon and will post the link to it here for y'all if you're interested in studying them! Also, DISCLAIMER: if you didn't know this before, I am by no means an expert in the French language; I'm hardly at the B1 level. Cela dit (that being said. . . see that? heh heh😏), I'm sure there are a plethora of errors in both emails. If you're feeling extra critical when reading them, please please PLEASE point out those errors to me! I want to discuss them with you and learn from them so I can poursuivre m'améliorer (keep on improving. . . once again, hehee😂)!

Alrighty, that covers just about everything! Again, I am so sorry for not having created any original posts in such a long time; life carried me away🤷🏾‍♀️ Now that I finally have my first post of 2021, here's to more frequent content creating!

乾杯(Gān bēi)! 🥂

EDIT: Links to the quizlets below!

Le premier e-mail: https://quizlet.com/_9mktlv?x=1jqt&i=3dk8u9

Le deuxième e-mail: https://quizlet.com/_9ml1s4?x=1jqt&i=3dk8u9

[nice-kill-tanaka]

If it's not to much trouble may i have a (male) host club matchup please. Im a Capricorn, my mbti type is infj-a/infj-a. I tend to be shy around new people but I can be somewhat loud around people who Im close to. My pronouns are she/her. I have long-ish length brown hair, green eyes, wear round glasses and have pale skin. I have a lot of freckles. My height is 5'0 I like to read books and also cook and bake food. Im not very athletic and im not a big fan if sports but I love to go roller/ice skating. I also have been playing the violin for 6 years. And I like to garden. I also like to watch nature/animal documentaries. I love animals and in planning on becoming a wildlife veterinarian. Some things I dislike are people who bend/ruin my books and people who talk over me when I try to speak. I hope this is ok, sorry if I spelt anything wrong. I hope im not bothering you :) also I hope the information I sent in is ok :)

[🌄 @armin-ocean-eyes​ requested one (1) regular Ouran High School Host Club matchup. I have just the ingredients for that! Sit tight while I get to work.🌌]

Taurus INTJ-t here 😗✌️So,,,,hi I guess! Also, since you are two (2) inches shorter than me, I am legally obligated to adopt and protect you. I apologize if I use gender neutral pronouns for you. That’s just my default!

Anyways, I have just the guy for you:

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

🌓Kaoru Hitachiin🌓

(Please tell me this is Kaoru, gifs are stupid 😭😭😭)

🌱Humble Beginnings🌱

You are the daughter of the C.E.O. of a successful publishing agency

You were no stranger to the wealthy lifestyle. But, your parents made it a point to not let you become vain, lazy, or unsympathetic to the human condition

I’m not too sure if there’s an actual term for this, but a thing I like to call “right-brained intellectualism" was emphasized in your household. Basically, the ability to classify complex human emotions and not only understand them. But, view them through the lenses of objectivity and abstract concepts (Hence, the “right-brained” part)

The goal was to instill curiosity in you to explore how different personalities act in different situations and why. This could ultimately help you guide your social interactions in the future

(Forgive me if I'm speaking over your head! This information serves a purpose I promise!)

So, essentially super-charged EQ

But, here's where it comes in handy:

Due to your reserved tendencies, you weren't that high on Ouran's social ladder. Especially in middle school. You tried your best not to pay that fact any mind, reminding yourself to always pack an extra novel in case you finished your current one during the day

But, the (sort of) benefit to having so much time on your own, was that you had plenty of time to observe the students around you. Their actions, quirks, and relationships

Two particular oddballs caught your eye

Brothers. Identical twins that seemed to want no company than that of each other

You knew they had names. You knew what they were. But, not being able to pin a name to an identical face made that fact lose meaning

They didn't have any friends (Which wasn't a hyperbole). But, neither of them seemed shy, like you were

Rather, they were the asocial types. And you saw secondhand that they went out of their way to keep their little world for only them

You had accidentally seen one day what they did to girls that dared to confess their feelings for one twin. And that only reaffirmed that trying to figure out why the Hitachiins acted the way they did was too much pressure for your meek little heart

But...still.

There weren't any surface level answers to reach for that could calm your curiosities (Other than just passing the Hitachiins off as jerks and moving on). You could tell their reasoning was much more complex

And that. Frustrated you

To ease your mind, you wanted to start off small: Learn which is Hikaru, and which is Kaoru

One day, just before the lunch period started, you had finished your current novel. But, when you reached for the extra book in your bag, it had ✨vanished✨

You panicked a bit. You knew you packed the book. You re-checked earlier in the day!

The teacher unfortunately noticed you looking around like a lost puppy, asking what was wrong

"Mm?? Oh- uh...I just lost my book. It's, y'know, it's fine! I'll just...look for it later..."

The teacher didn't pick up on how embarrassed you were, asking the class if someone wanted to help you look

You were surprised when someone actually raised their hand

And just your luck, it was one of the twins, who turned to his brother and reassured him that they'd see each other at lunch

You (lowkey paralyzed by fear) followed the Hitachiin's lead, waiting until the rest of the class had left the room to begin your search

But, as you started to sift through the shelves in the back, you felt the boy tap your shoulder

And there it was in his hand, the first edition book on botany you had gotten for your birthday not too long ago

"You...you found it already??"

He rubbed the back of his neck, more bashful than you would've pegged him for

"Kind of…? I took it during class. I thought your reaction would be funny, but it was sort of just hard to look at. It would've just been cruel to embarrass you more in front of everyone."

"Oh...well, thanks for telling me at least."

The boy raised an eyebrow, your reactions catching him off guard once more

"You're not mad?"

"Not really. You realized your mistake and that's more than some can say. So, I can forgive that."

"Hm...well, I should get going. I can't keep him waiting!"

Before he left, you called out to him, asking for his name

"Hm? Kaoru."

🌳Flourishing Love🌳

The start of you and Kaoru's romantic relationship actually began in high school

The (in)famously idealistic Tamaki Suoh had approached you, Hikaru, and Kaoru to be a part of his new "host club". The twins as a part of the service, you as the manager (To garner male financial support, of course :D)

Since you weren't involved in a club anyway, you agreed to join next semester for your first year of high school

Once Haruhi came into the picture, you became fast friends. Seeing as you were both practical souls, if not intellectual

Through your friendship with Haruhi, you got closer to the twins you were so afraid of all that time ago

Especially Kaoru, the twin you had spoken to first

Both of your crushes formed rather fast as you got to know each other personally (And since Hikaru was already starting to take interest in Haruhi)

Kaoru had fallen for the way you never made face-value judgements of people. Like how you were so understanding about his dumb prank on you just last year

He learned to love the bright rays of passion that shone through your timid exterior. The way you talked about the things you loved like they were the greatest things in the world. You always made your case with such conviction, and Kaoru couldn't help but believe you all the way

You, Haruhi, Hikaru, and Kaoru were hanging out in the courtyard one day, and Kaoru had managed to get you to talk about the flora and fauna in the area (Which quickly segwayed into how you loved gardening and caring for animals)

All the while, Kaoru intently listened, staring at you like you were the only person in the world

During a pause in your avid canine classification spree, Kaoru picked up a few cornflowers that had fallen from a bush, putting them in your hair and behind your ear

While you were blushing up a storm, Kaoru bluntly, but sweetly, confessed

Hikaru and Haruhi looked on, endeared that the two sweetest souls in their little group had finally gotten together

In your relationship, you manage to draw out the more relaxed and mature side of Kaoru's personality

(Though, you always get a good laugh out of his more cunning and mischievous side)

You always affirm to him that he can enjoy both sides of being a twin, and being his own unique person. He doesn't necessarily have to choose

Kaoru definitely takes advantage of your height difference, using you as an armrest at the most inopportune times

He loves to kiss each and every one of your freckles (At least, on your face and neck). No matter what you think of them, he sees them as little targets to go for when he wants to shower you with love

But, like a respectful boy, he always lets you take off your glasses first if you need to

You guys went ice skating for your first date! Since it was your hobby, you paid for skating, and Kaoru paid for food afterwards. Kaoru knew how to skate, but pretended not to so he could have an excuse to hold your hands

Kaoru found out about your violin training later in the relationship, immediately teasing you about playing for one of the host club's sessions at some point

He has undoubtedly picked up a disturbing amount of animal facts from you and the documentaries you watch. He shares them with the host club to get disgusted reactions from them, and flattered smiles from you 😊

Y'all are just so freaking cute together, I need to chug salt to get the sweetness out of my mouth ❤️

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

[🌌 There you go bud! That’s one matchup for the road. Hopefully it lasts for a while, but if it doesn’t, feel free to come back! I’d be thrilled to see you again.🌄] —Reagan

[bullshittierlists]

Spoiler Warning!!! - This review will contain spoilers for all of SDR2 and the first chapter of DRV3 as well as slight spoilers for DR1. You’ve been warned.

I see no god up here other than me

Gundham Tanaka- His name is GUNDHam TaNAKA

Sonia Nevermind- This is my third time typing this rant. I literally don’t know why people hate her so much?? There are two main arguments that I’ve come across. The first is that she is boring and shouldn’t have survived, but that’s the same as Asahina and everyone seems to love her. (Don’t get me wrong, I also love her, but all she had were donuts and her relationship with Sakura) She’s just a cute girl with some occult-ish quirks and I don’t see why that has to be such a bad thing. The other, more prevalent, argument is that since she’s at the center of the infamous love triangle, she must be the root of all its problems. It’s really frustrating when people blame her for Kazuichi’s faults. I’ll talk more about Kazuichi later, but his terrible qualities are a result of his own actions, and Sonia shouldn’t be blamed for being the object of his affections. It’s honestly blaming the victim and I’m sick of it. Obviously, she hasn’t treated him perfectly and I understand why people are frustrated with it. The only example of this, though, is in chapter four when she goes back-and-forth between treating him coldly and praising him when she should’ve just rejected him a long time ago. However, I think I can understand where she’s coming from in this chapter. I think it was kind of a Shuichi/Kaede situation. She had already figured out that Gundham was the killer, but didn’t want to admit it to herself, and definitely didn’t want to tell everyone else even though he was more than ready to admit it. Therefore, she treated Kazuichi coldly whenever he was getting close to the truth (or treating her poorly) and praised him whenever he was leading the group in the wrong direction. I don’t have any evidence that these were the times she treated him this way, but that’s how I remember it. Anyway, Kazuichi should stop being a creep, and apologists should stop rationalizing it. Her one slip-up in this case when she was panicked and worried for her closest friend does not make up for all of the other times Kazuichi treated her terribly.

You’re the best

Fuyuhiko Kuzuryuu- Boss baby boss baby boss baby. Also, he’s a fantastically fleshed out character and his relationship with Peko makes me cry literally every time :)  I just wish his character development had been a bit more stretched out, instead of on-the-spot like it was. I also kinda wish his sudden development had been a result of the despair disease, but you can’t have everything.

Nagito Komaeda- Recently, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about how SimpleFlips calls softlocking in SM64 “gay baby jail” and Komaeda makes me think of that.

Chiaki Nanami- I’m not quite as attached to her as everyone else seems to be, but I totally see the appeal. Cute girl, cute backpack, and plot-relevant??? Incredible.

Ibuki Mioda- She’s just so fun. I don’t typically like characters who are loud for the sake of being loud, but I can’t help but love her. This was the first game I fully voice-acted for fun (the girls, at least) and Ibuki was definitely one of my favorites. It just feels good to yell sometimes, you know?

Hey, I think you’re pretty cool, I like you a lot

Peko Pekoyama- I’m a simple woman. I think of chapter two, I cry. At least, the epilogue of that case. I wasn’t the biggest fan of Twilight Syndrome Murder Case and I definitely didn’t like the, albeit fake, serial killer twist. It didn’t feel natural and just felt bad. Loved hearing Sonia say “Sparkling Justice!”, though.

Hiyoko Saionji- I totally understand why people hate her. I get it, I do. But I just can’t bring myself to hate her. She’s obviously not a good person, but I have shit taste. Byakuya and Kokichi aren’t good people, but everyone loves them anyway. I just think she’s so funny and terrible, I can’t help but get attached. I’m not usually the type to like little sister characters, or even bullies, but she’s just such a perfect combination of the two that I can’t help but love her. I also obviously am not the biggest fan of Mikan (I’ll explain, I swear) so the bullying didn’t really affect me too much.

Hajime Hinata- He’s the protagonist. I don’t really know what to tell you. I used to believe in Hajime supremacy, but I’m starting to understand the Shuichi supremacy now, so idk, Hajime might end up lower after I finish V3.

Byakuya Togami/Ultimate Imposter- He’s just such a good guy. I know that the real Byakuya is an ass, but the imposter is so nice and supportive. I can’t even take him seriously as Byakuya anymore because of how supportive he is. The real Byakuya could never. I just finished his last free-time event and he really feels like his own person now, which I can imagine is all he’s ever wanted. He isn’t Byakuya to me anymore, he’s himself. I just don’t have a unique name to call him by.

I remember you

Mahiru Koizumi- Her photography thing was cute, I liked it a lot. I don’t know the basic stance people take on her crush on Hajime, but I thought it was really cute and believable. I don’t know if I ship it, but I can see it in canon. It makes sense and works well.

Akane Owari- She’s a jock. I feel pretty neutral about jocks unless they have another prevalent thing that fits my interests.

Nekomaru Nidai- Again, a jock. I’m just not the biggest fan. I know that his backstory makes up for a lot of his inherent jock boringness, but I just can’t get into him as much as some other people can. I definitely see the appeal, though.

Usami/Monomi- She’s a mascot. Cool. Honestly preferred Monophanie.

You are literally the worst. Actual scum. Leave this planet and never return

Mikan Tsumiki- I told you I’d explain. First, I need to explain some personal reasons I didn’t like her, rather than objective characteristics. Like I mentioned with Ibuki, I voice-acted the whole game with each of the girls. Never before has a voice physically affected me as much as Mikan’s. In order to make her voice so high and quiet, I have to close my throat and tighten my jaw. It makes my throat, jaw, and head hurt all at the same time and it feels awful. The only time this wasn’t the case was during her breakdown and that’s because I couldn’t make her say those things with that voice, it didn’t make sense. Which brings me to my next point: her breakdown. I didn’t like it. At all. It wasn’t interesting and it didn’t make sense. I know that everyone else was sad because she was bullied a bunch and began to romanticize it, and yeah, I feel bad, but it wasn’t enough to make me like her. Her breakdown made a little more sense after watching the anime, believe it or not, but it was still not great. She could’ve been easily redeemed for me if she had a different motive for killing Hiyoko. I don’t really have an opinion on whether or not Ibuki should’ve lived longer, or even survived, but I definitely agree with Hiyoko dying during the third case, I just wish the motive had been different. It would’ve been so powerful if Mikan’s despair disease had made her remember her past with the bullying, and then she realized how much she hated it. She started to notice how Hiyoko was treating her and finally snaps. She kills Hiyoko in cold blood on purpose, instead of on accident, and covers it up in a more reasonable way instead the literal impossibility that we actually got. Then, in her breakdown, instead of pleading for forgiveness, she tries to rationalize her actions and convince everyone else that she was in the right by killing her. It would’ve been much more interesting and would’ve made much more sense. I also wish she had made use of Ibuki’s despair disease (which made her gullible) and commanded her to hang herself instead of staging the other thing, because it was a lot of extra work that was really unnecessary and it would’ve made more use of the despair disease other than a plot contrivance for Junko’s entrance. This kind of turned into my review for the third chapter, but still. Killers are always more fleshed out in their respective chapters, so their existence is often pretty much tied to the events of that chapter, since everything typically revolves around them. I might as well add here that her execution was really basic and underwhelming, but as far as I’ve seen, I’m not alone in that opinion.

Monokuma- It’s kind of an ironic hate with Monokuma. Sure, he makes me laugh, but he’s also fuel for the killing game, so... I don’t know. He pisses me off sometimes, but he’s also pretty funny at other times.

Kazuichi Souda- This is basically a continuation of the Sonia rant, so here we go. I would like to preface this by saying that in the context of Kazuichi’s free-time events, he’s one of my favorite characters. However, in the main story, I placed him here. I would normally average out my opinions of his different forms, but his optional events don’t make up for his actions that are required to be experienced. While some of his quips toward Sonia made me laugh, they still made me uncomfortable to some extent. It’s honestly frustrating to see him try so hard when she obviously isn’t interested in him. Some people choose to see this as an underdog story, but I think it’s just annoying and low-key creepy. He’s constantly fetishizing Sonia and keeps making moves on her even after she treats him coldly. He isn’t brave or cool for doing this, like the media would like you to believe, he’s creepy and persistent, and not in a good way. While I do agree that Sonia should’ve just turned him down from the very beginning, I still don’t put all of that blame on her. I’m sure she’s had her fair share of creepy guys making advances on her and she’s just had to take it, since she’s a princess and it would hurt her noble reputation. Kazuichi should also be able to think for himself and see that she’s not interested. It shouldn’t be completely up to her to get him to stop. He should be able to take a hint and back off, whether she tells him directly or otherwise. She definitely hints to him that she’s not interested in some of the later chapters, but he completely ignores it and keeps trying anyway. I wouldn’t have such a problem with him if he didn’t represent a very real issue that we are facing in the world today. Nice guys will, unfortunately, always be plaguing our society and it doesn’t look like they’re getting any better. It doesn’t help that the media continually raises them up and convinces them that they are in the right, even though they definitely aren’t. No man is entitled to any woman and people need to stop sympathizing with men who are rejected and keep pushing. In almost every post I’ve seen from Kazuichi apologists, they explain that Sonia should’ve given him a chance. Really? She did give him a chance. She gave him several chances, in fact, more than she was entitled to. The first time she acted coldly towards him was at the end of chapter 4. That’s four entire chapters, plus a prologue, of chances that she gave him. She was always polite and talked to him when he approached her. Maybe she saw this as her noble duty, but either way, she didn’t reject him outright the first time she saw him. She tried to be friends, he was creepy, and then she started to hint that she wasn’t interested. This is a natural progression for her character and is in no way wrong of her. He is not entitled to her attention and should learn to back off when he’s not wanted. The other big reason I see that people don’t like Sonia is because she basically ruined any chance of Kazuichi and Gundham having any sort of relationship other than rivals. Again, it’s not Sonia’s fault that they both liked her. It’s also not her fault for choosing Gundham over Kazuichi, since he treated her respectfully and they also shared interests. She also didn’t need a specific reason to choose Gundham over Kazuichi, because she is free to make her own choices based on anything she wants, including nothing. Even though I said all of this, I do actually wish that Gundham and Kazuichi could’ve had some kind of relationship. I think it could’ve been very interesting, but it didn’t need to be devoid of Sonia. I think it would’ve been just as interesting for Gundham and Kazuichi to talk with Sonia as it would’ve been for her to introduce them to each other more formally and get them to become friends. I think it could’ve been fun for Kazuichi to have a little playful resentment towards Gundham for getting the girl, but instead, he went completely off the deep end. If he had just backed off like I suggested earlier, maybe they could’ve had that relationship that everyone longed for. I am also obligated to say here that I think all of his free-time events were absolutely adorable and the fact that he gets motion sickness is the single best piece of comedy every written.

Teruteru Hanamura- I’ve been doing a lot of rants and I’m kind of tired of it. You know why I don’t like him, I don’t need to explain it. He’s shitty, blah blah blah. His tiny bit of plot with his mother didn’t really do anything to redeem him for me and I just plain don’t like him. Sorry, not sorry.

Wow, this took way too long. I forgot I had so many opinions on these characters. I would’ve said a lot more about Gundham, but it’s kind of my thing here to say more about my second favorite characters and characters that I don’t like than my favorite characters, and I knew there were going to be several rants, so I decided to keep his very short. My definitive favorites list is Gundham and then Sonia, with a pending Fuyuhiko in third. The four dark devas are the best characters and I’m so upset they weren’t on here. I would apologize for my Kazuichi rant, since it had two parts, both of which were very long, but it all needed to be said because I’m sick and tired of Kazuichi apologists. They keep coming across my dash and I would like to be rid of them. If you like Kazuichi, that’s fine, I actually quite like him, too, you just need to acknowledge his faults instead of just rationalizing them in a bad way. If someone wants to send me reasons why Sonia is terrible, I’ll listen, because I’m sure I’m probably being a bit of a Sonia apologist, although I feel like her actions were a lot less impactful. Sondam supremacy, thank you, goodnight.

[blubberquark]

Belated Protector Postmortem

I made the game Protector for the 46th Ludum Dare game jam. I did not make a tumblr post about it during the jam. Don’t think Protector is my best jam game, but what can you expect from a jam game? Hardly a glowing endorsement, I know. Download it from itch.io at this link, or don’t.

With some distance, I think it’s interesting to tell you why I don‘t think Protector is that good... or maybe “good” is not the right word. Some friends and other Ludum Dare entrants had encouraged me (privately) to keep working on it after the jam and fix the bugs. In my opinion, Protector is fine the way it is (for a jam game anyway), but any more work on it will be a waste of time. There will be no post-compo releases of Protector.

If you are just getting started making games, Protector could be a good example of when to stop working on a prototype. But first, let’s do the usual “game jam postmortem“ song and dance.

Game Description

In this moody puzzle-ish platformer, you control an invincible character tasked with guiding a small (and very vincible) dog through the level. You cannot control the dog.

Instead you can pick up and throw a bone, but you can’t carry the bone. When you press the bone throwing button a second time, the dog will chase after the bone.

One the dog is running, you cannot stop it. You also cannot call the dog to return to you. You have to clear the path for the dog before you let it loose.

What Went Right

Scope: I scoped Protector aggressively minimal. I remember feeling a bit under the weather on the first day of the jam, so I decided to take it easy and submit something small. I was okay with submitting a small game in the jam category. I just had this idea I wanted to try out.

There is only one level, and it’s not all that big. I submitted on the morning of the third day, with everything I wanted in the game, without losing any sleep, and with some time to spare.

Theme: The idea was my own take on that last level in Bastion, when the kid carries the battering ram, but as an escort mission. The main character was supposed to be some kind of brute or barbarian loosely inspired by the barbarian class in Diablo II. Obviously you keep a dog alive, because that’s the theme of the jam.

Character Designs: I think nailed it with the brute and dog sprites. The brute is big and faceless, and the dog is small and cute. The proportions of the brute convey that he is strong and slow, and his shield (but no sword) should clue you in about his purpose.

Simple Dog Behaviour: The dog runs and bounces around pretty quickly. Once the dog is running, all bets are off, because you are too slow to catch up. You have to set everything up so the dog won’t kill himself, because he’s not a cat with nine lives. He is a dumb dog.

Any kind of AI or pathfinding would have made the dog less predictable, and the main objective of the game is to keep it alive (that was the theme of the jam), so simple, fast, predictable movement was key. The player has to be able to predict the dog’s path before it starts running.

Level Design: The level is not that big. There is a variety of obstacles and set pieces, and these are all easy for the player character to navigate, but potentially lethal to the dog. In addition to multiple platforming challenges, there are two unique “set pieces” that break up the monotony.

There are five different ways for the dog to die, and the level is constructed to make the player experience each of them once. Some are obvious, like the lightning cloud and the tower that shoots arrows, but the level is designed so that every player dies at least once. After mastering an obstacle once, it should pose no challenge on repeat playthroughs.

What Went Wrong

Controls: The controls are very simple, based on only the four arrow keys, X and C. These can be mapped to the left stick and first two buttons of a gamepad. In walk mode, the two buttons jump and call the dog, and the “up” direction is used to raise the shield.

In throw mode, with the left/right axis controls the throwing angle, and the up/down angle controls the velocity. This control scheme feels too cumbersome. The X key is used for calling the dog and throwing the bone, based on context. This also feels cumbersome, but it makes it less likely for players to accidentally throw or call the dog when they want to jump. I still had to resort to putting the controls on the screen at all times.

For gamepad controls it would have made more sense to use the direction of the left stick for the throwing angle and velocity. For keyboard+mouse controls I could have implemented a mouse-based throwing system like in Gunpoint or a parabola indicator that shows where the bone will land. I could also have gone the other way with a Worms style throwing system in which the throwing velocity is proportional to the time the button was held. As is, the throwing uses the same buttons as platforming, but it doesn’t feel good.

Bone Physics: The bone physics was kind of bouncy and floaty. I implemented my own physics because the bone was the only object in the whole game that needs halfway realistic bouncy collisions. The player and the dog use platformer physics, so there was no need for a physics engine like Box2D, libODE, or pymunk. The bone is modelled like a simple spinning ball. I could have made the bone less bouncy to give the player more control, maybe even cheated by making it less bouncy only in the x-direction. I could also have gone in the other direction and modelled the bone as a rectangle or two balls connected by a line.

Dog Platforming: The dog sometimes gets stuck in a wall or on a ledge. This is bad. I could fix this by making the dog fall down or turn around when this happens, but that would make the problem worse. I’d rather have the dog (or the bone) stuck in a weird position until the player gets it out than having it sit inside a pit in an unwinnable position with believable physics.

The way bone physics and platforming work is very janky, but that is because the obvious fix would have unacceptable gameplay consequences.

Main Gameplay Loop: It goes like this: throw bone - move into position - let dog loose - wait for dog - retrieve bone - throw bone - move into position, and so on. There is no way to call the dog back because that would make certain puzzles too easy, no way to set multiple way points for the dog, no way to ask the dog to fetch the bone back to you, and no way to carry the bone - otherwise you could just walk over and drop the bone there.

The gameplay loop as it stands just doesn’t allow that many puzzles, and changes to the gameplay would make the current puzzles too easy. Adding more content is more or less incompatible with the current gameplay, and changes to the gameplay loop would break the existing balance.

Allowing the player to carry the bone, to use different tools than the shield, to call the dog back would destroy the game design.

What I Learned

Escort missions suck. I already knew that hidden complex systems are not fun, but even indirect interaction based on simple systems is hard to get right. Beyond that, I did not try anything new and outlandish. I just had the idea about the big protector and the little dog.

The most surprising thing was how poorly Protector was rated in the “Mood” category given the relatively high theme score. Having no sound really did me no favours, and neither did the GameBoy screen resolution or the 5-colour palette.

But importantly, despite all the gameplay shortcomings, this still works as a short game. If the game is short enough, it can be carried by novelty, and players will forgive janky controls, even if the controls are part of the game’s main difficulty. I relied on this insight in other jam games, but it does not translate to long-form games.

This is a bit meta, but it is important to understand when a game design does not work. To some degree I think game jams even encourage a kind of toxic positivity towards young people learning to program. By all means, you should encourage people who want to try their hand at game design, and you should not go out of your way to disparage teenagers learning to code or programmers who make programmer art because the graphic design in their enterprise software day job is done in a different department. All too often, instead of “keep it up“, we tell people who are getting started to keep working on their jam games. If a game has load of bugs, on some level it would be nice to have them fixed, and these bugs are an obvious starting point for a post-jam version of the game - but when I see buggy games with experimental gameplay ideas, I don’t always encourage the devs to keep tweaking the mechanics until it works. Some experiments have negative results, and that’s okay.

Some jam entries are great games, successful experiments if you will, but they can’t easily be made into longer games. That’s also okay.

Can We Fix This?

“But hypothetically” you ask me, “how would you turn Protector into a longer game if I hired you to be a game designer?”

Okay. Hypothetically. In this hypothetical world, you pay by the hour, no unpaid overtime, and no bonus based on how well the game sells ;-)

We need a story that glues all the levels together, and the dog platforming would be at most a third of the game. Maybe in some levels you and the dog fight side by side, maybe you explore some of the levels with the dog on a leash, maybe you tie the leash to a post at the level entrance and come back when you have cleared everything.

I can’t stress enough how important it is to have through-line that connects different types of gameplay, different set pieces and minigames.

In order to make the platforming and puzzle solving more interesting, you would have a different load-out in different levels. Some platforms are dog-only, and you would throw the bone (or a tennis ball) up there because you can’t reach it yourself. You would need a way to recall the bone (or tennis ball) or a way to recall the dog, maybe a dog whistle. Maybe you just have a limited supply of dog treats per level. Earlier levels just have the bone, and shield, later ones introduce mobility items for the player character, tennis balls, a collar, a leash, dog treats, a dog whistle, and so on.

It would be a fun idea (or a gimmick) to have most of the upgrades be for the dog, but that’s not very fun to actually play.

Another possible problem is if the dog handling becomes an afterthought, or a drag in the player, going back to fetch the dog after the level has been cleared. Escort missions are not held in high regard among players, so this could become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

With all these mobility items and larger levels, we would need an improved dog AI. We also could not have the dog fall into a pit of spikes, instead it should refuse to jump into unsafe distances, and somehow communicate to the player. We would also need a way to get the dog back down if it got up the wrong platform, and a way for the player to reset progress to the last check point or re-fill dog treats without creating an exploitable loophole where the player can just walk back and forth to the vending machine and win a level with infinite dog treats.

Oh no, the dog AI sounds complicated now. Complicated hidden systems are not fun, and training AI-powered animals is not that difficult code-wise, but it is difficult to pull off in a way that is fun and legible to the player. I still remember Black&White. Those animals were a gimmick. Somehow we need a way for the dog to communicate things to the player. Can the dog talk? Is there a bark code? Can the dog smell things?

One thing we absolutely must not do is vary the dog AI between levels. Players will have a really hard time as is, because the smarter the dog gets, the easier it becomes to accidentally mis-predict what it will do.

Think about all the parts of this rather comprehensive proposal: Complex AI, some kind of story, different controls, unlockable items, and level/puzzle design that integrates all of the above, all written from scratch or re-written for the bigger game. I’d rather spend the time on something else.

[winchesterbrotherstan]

Agents of Shield- 0-8-4

Pairing: Leo Fitz x Violet Ward (OC)

Summary: The gang finds a strange object in a South American cave, Grant and Violet mentally vibe, Violet gets shot, the side of the plane blows up!

Warnings: cursing, shoot-out, angry rebels, gunshot wound

Word Count:  11297 (she sorta long eek)

“S.H.I.E.L.D. 6-1-6, you have course confirmation. You are cleared direct to the Slingshot.” An agent’s voice came over the speakers. “Agent Coulson, everything all right up there? We heard you had a little dustup on the ground.”

“Yeah, we’re all good. It’s gonna be blue skies from here on out.” He replied shortly.

Then the side of the plane blew open, and wind rushed in, sucking things out and leaving Coulson clinging to the pole and struggling to hang on.

                                              19 HOURS EARLIER

I helped Skye take her last bag out of her van before she hopped out, dressed in a cute red dress with leather boots. I pulled the sleeves of Fitz’s green sweater down to my fingers as I lifted a bag for her and she took out a box.

“Hey!” She called to the agent who came to take her van. “No joy rides, okay? That’s my house.” She mumbled the last part.

“No worries.” He laughed and placed a gadget on it to turn the engine on.

She scoffed. “Where do they think of this stuff?” She smiled at me.

We walked up the ramp as it closed behind us. Jemma gave her a cheery welcome as we passed the lab. Fitz was hyperfocused on what seemed to be the dendrotoxin in the night-night gun. 

“Agent Coulson told us the news!” Jemma came with a smile. “What a wonderful surprise!”

Fitz followed her, hands fisted on his hips. He eyed me in his sweater, and his eyebrows shot up before he became stoic again as Jemma spoke.

“Isn’t it, Fitz?”

“Yes, what a surprise.” He nodded with a false smile, obviously disgruntled.

“No, it’s wonderful, you must be very excited!” Jemma cut him off.

“Yep, first day of school.”

“Alright, Jem, you can be best friends later. Come on, Skye.” I grinned at Jemma.

We walked up to the main floor, where I showed her the extra room.

“Do you guys just plan on having consults?” She asked, placing the box down on her bed with a laugh.

“No, I don’t think so. This was supposed to be my bedroom.” I placed the bag down on the bed.

“What happened, you bunk with big brother now?” She quirked an eyebrow playfully.

I tilted my head. “Agent Coulson tell you?”

“No. He mentioned it when he was under that truth serum. Is that real by the way? Because he said some real weird stuff. It was kinda freaky.”

“Uh, no. Truth serum isn’t real.” I squinted. “What kinda stuff?”

“Called your grandmother Gramzy.” She chuckled.

“Oh. Yeah, he’s good at lying.” I sighed.

She noticed the tension that came with the mention of Grant’s behavior and what he said.

“So. If you’re not sleeping here, and you’re not with your brother, where?” She sat on the bed and patted it.

I took the spot next to her. “Fitz and I share a bedroom. Coulson told us to take the bigger one, because we apparently ‘live stuck to each other’s hips anyways’.” I put quotes around that, rolling my eyes. “That, and he said he’ll probably spend most nights in his office anyways.” I smiled.

“You share a bedroom? Scandalous!” She giggled.

I chuckled. This was typical. Coulson had told me to gain her trust, get in her head. She was about my age, and I could probably read her fairly easily.

“We’ve been together for a few years now. We met at the S.H.I.E.L.D. Academy. He’s the best.” I grinned.

Yes, I was playing a role, but anything I said about Fitz was bound to be genuine. I loved him with all my heart, and there was no easy way to lie about that.

“Cute, cute. How long exactly?”

“Uh well we met when we were like fifteen and sixteen, and we started dating when he turned eighteen, so like eight years.” I smiled.

“Aw! So, what does big brother think? About you dating the nerdy tech guy?” She wrinkled her nose, obviously joking.

“It’s uh… complicated. But I don’t really care what he thinks.” I shrugged, picking up the lag and closing the awkward gap. “Fitz is great, and I love him.”

“Aww, that’s so sweet!”

I smiled, blushing. “Alright, come on. I’ll show you around.”

“So what exactly is this place?” She asked, following me through the halls.

“Officially, it’s an airborne mobile command station but we call it the Bus.” I saw Fitz-Simmons coming up the steps, joining us.

Fitz caught my hand in his immediately, falling into step with me. “Yeah, we find it best to use shorthand when in the field. But everything has to be just so, you know, because of the danger.” He seemed intent on scaring her.

I squeezed his hand and pulled on his arm, shooting him a look. He got the message that he was going to ruin Coulson’s plan and shut up, pouting like a child.

“Yeah, I’ve been up here before, but I didn’t see much because of the bag that Agent Ward put over my head.”

“Yes, so sorry about that.” Jemma smiled apologetically.

Skye turned to me, stopping in her tracks. “How do you handle that, by the way? Since there’s two of you?”

“Oh, everyone just calls me Violet.”

“Oh, that’s such a pretty name!” She took the water bottle Jemma offered.

Before I could reply, May came over the comms. “Wheels up in two. Lock it or lose it.”

“What’s that mean?” Skye looked at me with wide eyes.

“No backing out now.” Fitz smirked.

I glared at him very obviously before turning back to Skye with a reassuring smile. “Just means we should pack up your stuff before taking off so it doesn’t go everywhere. Come on.”

She started back toward her bunk and Fitz pulled me back by the arm.

“What is it? Why do you keep trying to scare her off?” I hissed in a hushed voice.

“I just don’t like new people is all. You know this. Come to our bunk once you’re done helping Skye, yeah?”

I rolled my eyes with a sigh. “Fine.”

He broke into a grin and leaned in to kiss my cheek before walking off. I rolled my eyes again, this time smiling. I went back to Skye, only to see Grant rapidly approaching her door. I cleared my throat and basically took a hop toward her door, leaning against the doorframe. Grant glared at me and knocked on her open door.

“Hey, I just shoved my bags into the drawers. I’ll unpack later.” She smiled at me and then turned to my brother, “Hey! I know we didn’t really-”

“You might wanna read that. This isn’t like other planes.” He shoved a paper in her hands and stalked off.

“Sorry about him. He’s got, uh, social issues.” I offered an apology.

“You could say that again.” She unfolded the paper, and I could now see that it was the layout and emergency exits for the Bus.

“Say what again?” Coulson approached now.

“Sweet ride.” Skye grinned at him.

“I earned a little goodwill from Director Fury when I got hit right before the Battle of New York.” He was referring to the Chitauri invasion that took place a year back, led by Loki Laufeyson and stopped by the Avengers.

“You took a bullet?” She asked, tossing the pamphlet aside.

“Ish.” Coulson said, and I turned tail and left.

I hated to hear his recounting of how Loki had stabbed him through the heart. Coulson believed that he had surgery and then was given a vacation in Tahiti. Only a few agents knew what had really happened, and we all had to pretend we didn’t. I passed Grant, perched on one of the bar stools.

“Violet.” He caught my attention.

I froze, plastered a smile on my face, and turned on my heel. “What’s up, Grant?”

“Come here for a minute.” He made a grabby hand.

I squared my shoulders as I padded over to sit next to him. He took a sip of his water before turning to me, eyes squinted.

“Why’s he bringing Skye?”

“She’s a fresh pair of eyes.” I spat out.

“Why’s he trusting her?” He fired.

“He’s got a plan.”

“What sort of plan?”

“I’m not at liberty to discuss that with you, Grant.” I smiled.

He paused, raising an eyebrow. This was an interrogation, and we both knew it. His face read a mixture of frustration and pride.

Give me the answers I want.

It was like I could hear him in my head.

Give up, Grant. I narrowed my eyes.

He wanted answers, but he was also glad to see I wasn’t easy to give them up. He switched subjects.

“You and Fitz. What is that? Friends with benefits? Are you guys secretly married, or—”

“He’s my boyfriend.”

“How old is he?” A silent he looks twelve followed, and I felt a small sense of relief at being able to read his facial expressions.

“Twenty six.”

“Is he good to you?” It didn’t seem to be coming from genuine brotherly concern, but some ulterior motive.

“Always.”

“How long have you been a thing?” His head tilted.

“Eight years.” I didn’t have to do the math again.

“Has he ever hurt you?”

“If you count shooting me in the forehead with a NERF gun, then sure.”

I got an eye roll. “How about emotionally?”

“Not on purpose.”

“Where’d you meet him?”

“The academy.”

“Have you guys ever done anything physical?”

I leaned in with a scowl. “None of your business, dad.”

A pause.

“Why are you with him?”

“How many reasons do you want?” I tilted my head.

“First one that comes to mind.”

“He’s cute.”

“Wow, anything less shallow?” He recoiled.

“He’s smart. Funny, makes me laugh, makes sure I’m okay, takes care of me, doesn’t make me feel stupid-”

“Okay, I got the message.” He put his hands up, but I had already set up the kill.

“Oh, and he’s always there for me. Real supportive too.” I sat up straight.

I watched his face change as he gulped and looked down. That was a hit that had hurt, and it was intentional.

Jesus, Vi. You didn’t have to go there.

I didn’t expect Grant to tell me everything. I didn’t expect a written biography or complete transparency. But I had expected him not to lie to my face and act like I wouldn’t figure out. I had expected for him to support my choices, even ones as simple as I like Fitz and I’m dating him.

I met his glance with arched eyebrows.

I wanted to.

“Any more questions?”

He shook his head. “No.”

“Great! I’ll see you in a bit.” I walked past him with a slap to the shoulder, my confident facade falling once I was in the safety of my room with the door shut.

“Darling? You alright?” He was sitting in the arm chair, already buckled up for the take off.

I felt tears cloud my vision as I swallowed hard.

“Come here.” He began to unbuckle himself, but I looked up and shook my head.

The plane lights flickered and there was a beep. I rushed to Fitz, falling into his lap as he wrapped his arms around me, a hand in my hair and the other around my legs, holding me against him. The take off only lasted a few minutes, and by then I had cried myself to calmness. Fitz’s white shirt now had tear stains on it, and the collar of his green flannel was a tad wet, but he didn’t care.

“Talk to me, Vi.” He unbuckled his seatbelt and cradled me in his arms as he laid me down on the bed and sat next to me, kicking his shoes off.

I only climbed back into his lap with my head against his shoulder and he leaned against the wall, sighing. I wasn’t crying anymore, but I didn’t know how to say what I wanted to. He pulled his arms around me, pressing kisses to my forehead.

“He’s different. He’s so different.” I finally croaked.

“What happened?” He angled his head down to look me in the eyes.

I shifted, sitting up to face him.

“He was asking all these questions about Skye, an-and then about you and I just- I… He got so … pissy? God no, that’s not the word. I don’t even think there is a word. He just got so-”

“Attackative?” He offered with a gentle smile.

“That is not a word.” I shook my head.

“No, it’s not. But it’s the word you need.” He shrugged. “What was he asking, darlin’?” He brushed my hair behind my ear.

I sighed. “Why Coulson was bringing Skye along, why we were trusting her.” I shook my head before meeting his gentle gaze.

“You don’t have to tell me the rest if you don’t want. I know it’s all delicate.” His eyebrows were furrowed.

I shook my head again. “He started to grill me.” I rolled my eyes. “About you. About us. But it wasn’t normal. It wasn’t ‘I’m your brother therefore I’m concerned about who you’re dating’, it-it was more of a ‘I wanna know all about your relationship so I can pick it apart’ interrogation type thing.”

Fitz sighed, “Darling, I’m sure he’s just trying to get to know you better. Maybe he’s out of practice. You know how field agents are. Especially specialists.”

“No, Leo. He’s wrong. He’s not who he used to be.” I sighed.

Fitz cupped my cheek. “Who was he before?”

I felt my heart crumble. “He was my brother before, Leo. He was just my brother, and now he’s some stupid heartless solider.”

                                                          ***

The brakes screeched as May slammed them. We had to fit six people in an SUV with five seats, which naturally ended with me sitting in Fitz’s lap. He opened the door and let me hop out before following suit, everyone but May piling out.

“Tire tracks forty meters back. I’ll check them against the site’s trucks, make sure we’re alone.” Grant spoke.

“Too much exposure here. I’m gonna find a place to park.” May looked around.

Fitz-Simmons unloaded their gear, and May pulled off. We looked around as animals chittered in the trees. Fitz pulled me from Grant’s side, holding my hand tightly. Jemma offered me a smile. Fitz must’ve mentioned Grant’s approach.

“I would love to see a capuchin in the wild. Maybe even a yellow-tailed woolly monkey. You know, um, Peru has thirty-two different species of monkey.” He spewed excitedly.

I loved to watch him geek out over technological things, but him geeking about monkeys was a whole new level. I personally didn’t like monkeys, because I was scared of them at a young age at zoos, but Fitz knew so much that it warmed my heart.

“Yeah, and over two hundred species of snakes! The shushupe has a fascinating ven-” She was forced to back up as Fitz pulled his suitcase from the rack attached to a van he bumped into. “Venom. It’s neurotoxic, proteolytic, and hemolytic!”

“Oh, that’s fascinating.” Fitz forced out, now nervous.

“Oh! No, I’d be much more worried about earthquakes, malaria-”

I cut her off with a hand to the back of Fitz’s neck to kill a pestering mosquito. She turned to us with a smile.

“Ah, there’s no vaccine for dengue fever.” She turned and gasped at the sight of the Peruvian ruins in front of us.

“Look at that.” I mumbled.

Before I had gotten into psychology, and eventually S.H.I.E.L.D., I had planned on becoming an archaeologist. My mother and father had bullied me out of it, but my love for it still held strong. Fitz-Simmons knew this, and watched with laughing smiles as I stared in awe.

“Come on, let’s get a picture!” Jemma pulled us onto the first step.

“No, no, guys-” I tried to get out of it, but Jemma posed on one side of me and Fitz trapped me on the other, grabbing my face and leaning down to press a kiss to my cheek as Jemma snapped a picture. I was smiling widely, but I couldn’t help it. I loved them both, and they knew it. Skye caught my eye from behind Coulson and grinned wide.

“Good morning, professor.” Coulson spoke to the archaeologist that came out of the ruins. “I’m Agent Coulson, with S.H.I.E.L.D.. I understand you’ve made an interesting discovery.”

The man sighed. “I-I’m not sure how to explain it. This temple dates back at least 500 years. It’s filled with pre-Incan artifacts. One of them is … impossible.” He gestured. “And looks like it might be dangerous.”

“Well, that’s why we’re here.” Coulson nodded with a smile as the man led us down.

It was just a stone opening with steps down to the temple floor, but I couldn’t stop staring, eyes darting from one spot to the next. I scanned the walls, fascinated by the engravings and pictures, ignoring the large cobwebs and imagining what this place was like in its prime.

“It’s there. Exactly as we found it.” He pointed at a silver and blue contraption stuck in the wall.

It reminded me vaguely of the tesseract.

“Who else knows about this?” Coulson rushed to it, eyes wide.

“Just the ministry. I believe they are the ones who contacted you.” The man explained.

Coulson asked the man to evacuate the site as Fitz-Simmons set up their equipment and drones. Skye and I stood in the middle of the room, staring at the walls.

“Leave the man alone.” Jemma scolded one of the drones that stood at the man’s face, smiling politely.

“Now. For your own safety.” Coulson ushered him away.

“There’s nothing about this anywhere. It’s amazing, I’ve searched every data stream. What have we got here, guys?” Skye got closer, putting a finger up to it.

“Whoa, car- uh, careful. I-I- no, wouldn’t do that.” Fitz stumbled over his words of warning.

Skye took his advice and took a step back.

“The object’s placement in fossiliferous rock formations suggests it’s been here for at least 1,500 years!” Jemma exclaimed.

For once, I understood what she was saying. “That predates this temple by a thousand years.” I furrowed my eyebrows.

“Ah! Maybe it’s alien!”

“Yeah, but the shape and the craftsmanship- it’s almost German.” Fitz looked up from his tablet.

“Sir?” Coulson’s radio crackled to life; it was Grant.

“Go.”

“We have a situation.” He grunted.

“Lots of rebels in this area.” Skye noted.

“Not enough gunfire.” I shook my head.

“Keep working. Violet, stay here, be vigilant.” He spoke into the radio. “I’m on my way.” He walked out and Fitz-Simmons picked up their pace.

“Why’d he make you stay here?” Skye asked me.

I pulled out my handgun and checked the safety. “‘Cause I’m the only one out of us four cleared for combat.”

“Are you seeing this? It’s alive.” Fitz spoke up.

“I’m sorry, did he just say that it’s alive?” Skye looked at me.

I shrugged. “Alien tech is weird.”

“It has a functioning power source.” Fitz explained.

“Sleepy’s reading radionuclides, but they don’t match any known isotope.” Jemma shook her head.

“I get temporal matches, but even then, they seem to shift. Is that even possible?” Fitz pulled his eyebrows together.

“Depends on the shifting of the temporal radio stuff, so…” Skye tried.

Fitz-Simmons only stared.

“It’s totally weird, right?” Skye gave a nervous laugh. “I’m gonna go check on Coulson.” She tried to slink past me.

“No, you’re not.” I caught her wrist.

“We’ve got company.” Grant popped through the opening, his radio in hand. “National police.”

“What?” Fitz-Simmons exclaimed.

“Why are they here?” I looked at him.

“They heard about this object, they’re probably here to protect it. This area has a lot of rebel uprisings.” Grant put his radio away.

“Yeah, people are fighting back against the government’s mining policies. It’s pretty kick-ass.” Skye scoffed.

 “Yeah, it’s kick-ass, all the violence.” Grant rolled his eyes.

“That’s not what I’m saying.” Skye argued.

“No, it’s what you’re typing. In your van, alone- where it’s safe.” Grant was taking a personal hit.

“Grant.” I warned.

“How much longer?” He turned to Fitz-Simmons.

“What’s the hurry?” Jemma groaned.

“Are we in danger?” Fitz looked straight up at me. 

“Not if everyone does their job.” Grant pulled his sidearm. “What is yours, exactly?” He looked to Skye.

There was a faint explosion from outside, and then gunfire. Grant perked up, gun still in hand. I grabbed Skye and pulled her between me and the wall, guarding her from the opening. The temple rumbled, and dust fell onto us.

“Sounds like they’re engaging with the rebels.” Grant shot me a look.

“Time to go.” I looked at Fitz-Simmons and they immediately called the drones back to pack them up.

“They’re coming for it, let’s move!” Grant shouted.

Skye went to help them pack, but Jemma ushered her away as politely as she could. “We need a containment case for the 0-8-4!” Jemma shouted.

“There’s no time.” Grant grunted.

“But it has a fluctuating power core, frequencies way above 10 exahertz!” Fitz yelled.

Grant and I looked at each other. He shrugged.

“Jacket.” I held my hand out and he rolled his eyes.

You’re not serious.

I jerked my hand out again.

Give me the jacket, dumbass.

He sighed before pulling it off and shoving it into my grip. I ran to the object, using his leather jacket like a glove and gripping it. I gave it a tug, but to no avail.

“Violet-”

“Shut up, Grant!” I placed my foot up on the wall and tugged again, this time with my body weight.

It came out with a crackle of the wall and more dust as the temple rumbled again.

“Violet!” Fitz shouted, and Jemma said something else, but I didn’t hear her.

“Let’s go!” Grant shouted, taking the object and shoving it into a duffle bag.

“I’ll lead, you pick up the rear!” He shouted, pulling the strap over his shoulders and putting his gun back up.

“You did not just pull that out of the wall! What is wrong with you? Do you two realize we do not know the amount of photon emissions coming out of this-”

I put my hand on Fitz’s chest and pushed, raising my eyebrows.

“Okay.” He put his hands up and filed behind Jemma and Skye, who was close behind Grant. “We just don’t know what’ll happen if it gets excited!”

“Stay close.” Grant ignored him.

They ran out, and Fitz hit his knee on the way out, letting out a groan. I bit back a smile at his clumsiness, urging him forward with my gun ready. The sunlight was blinding, and the gunfire was loud. Grant began to fire, but they returned it faster than the two of us could go.

“Get back!” I shouted, yanking Fitz by the bag, pushing Jemma and Skye back into the temple opening with him.

Grant was on one knee, shooting. I ducked behind him, his body covering most of my torso as I swept my gun over his head and fired.

“Cover me!” He shouted and stopped firing.

I shot an approaching rebel in the shoulder as Grant pulled something out of the pocket at my thigh, trying to twist around without losing the cover to my body. He pulled the thunderstick out and swung it, letting it go to full length.

“Grant, now!” I shouted.

He rolled over the steps as I fired again, scrambling back into the opening. Six hands yanked me in as Grant hit the button, and two pulled me into their chest as the explosion went off, leveling the rebels to the ground. We waited two seconds, and then were back on our feet. Grant pulled the thunderstick out of the floor and waved to me, backing up so he could cover Skye and Fitz-Simmons as they ran.

“Grant, 10:00!” I shouted, pointing my gun.

The rebel fired faster, but was blocked by our SUV, driven by none other than May. She opened the door and Grant shouted for us to get in. Jemma yanked the cases from Fitz’s hand and threw them into the backseat, helping Skye in. Grant bent down so I could easily jump onto his back. He straightened and I took another shot at the rebel, this time taking him down. I fumbled back onto my feet, and Jemma yanked me in, letting Fitz pull me into his lap, as she slammed the door shut. Grant got in and May hit the gas before his door was even closed.

May drove wildly, the car bumping and jerking. Skye shut her eyes tightly, and Simmon was clutching Grant’s seat from behind. My forehead bumped against Fitz’s, but we kept our noises to ourselves. I saw Grant turn around, trying to see the truck behind us.

Where the fuck is he?

“Coulson’s secure in PMP’s truck.” I told him, sensing his distress.

He nodded, turning back to May. “Take the south route to the airfield.” He ordered.

“Gotcha.” She swerved the truck and my head went backward to the window. Fitz grabbed me by the back of the neck and pulled me tightly against him, my forehead stuck to his neck.

“Slow down!” He shouted.

“You’re joking, right?” Skye yelled back.

“Ward, listen! We have to be careful! There’s a binding energy structure that could overheat!” He was frantic.

“I could roll down a window!” Jemma tried to help.

Bullets hit the side of the window, metal on metal making an awful screech. I leaned over and rolled the window back up.

“Do not roll down a window!” Skye shouted.

“Stay quiet and keep your head down!” Grant turned around, ordering over his shoulder like an angry parent. “Head left. The ravine empties.” He spoke to May.

She turned wordlessly, leaving the four of us in the backseat to tumble into elbows and knees.

“But Ward!” Fitz cried.

“Quiet!” Both Grant and I scolded, turning to face him.

“How fast can you have the wheels up?” Grant asked, hitting a button on the dash to open the cargo hold of the bus.

“Fast.” May replied, tires screeching as she braked hard on the ramp.

We scrambled out of the car, May barking an order for us to close the ramp. Grant got there first, smashing the button. Fitz and Jemma ducked out of the way, but Skye stood there, astonished.

“What are you doing? Coulson is still out there!”

“Get off the ramp, you’re in the line of fire.” He shoved her my way and I only bounced her off to Fitz-Simmons, who grabbed her by the legs and pulled her down.

Grant and I stood at the edge of the ramp, firing as best we could at the rebels without hitting Coulson or the other men. It took a few seconds to get them all loaded in, and it was enough for a bullet to skip by Grant and graze my shoulder. I cursed, gritting my teeth before shooting down the man that had hit me. In my focus to hit him, I took another one to the leg and crashed to the ground with a scream.

“Violet!” Grant shouted, not looking at me and not turning, but becoming stiff and shooting even faster.

The military men loaded in, followed by Coulson, as the ramp began to close. Grant ceased fire and holstered his gun, taking mine and lifting me in his arms, running past a questioning Coulson and to the lab, where Fitz-Simmons followed, clearing off a table.

“I’m fine!” I fussed, trying to get Grant off of me. I said it again, this time hitting him in the chest before pointing to the black duffle bag on the floor by the doors. “Focus on the 0-8-4, I’ll be okay.” I clutched my shoulder.

“I can start patching her up.” Jemma gently pushed him aside, helping me pull Fitz’s green sweater off and cutting the leg of my jeans.

He sighed. “Fine. Fitz, what was the problem?”

Fitz only stared at me, concerned as his lips twitched and no words left his mouth, only a tiny gasp.

“Leo, I’m okay. What was the problem?” I tugged the free scraps of jeans off, exposing the wound that was bleeding and gross.

He snapped out of it, “As I said before, this device has a high-frequency, fluctuating, sub-material compression-”

“Fitz. In English.” Grant cut him off angrily.

Jemma quickly cleaned my arm and wrapped it. It didn’t hurt as much as my leg did.

“The 0-8-4 is fueled by tesseract technology.” He gestured. “Hydra. World War II. Captain America. It’s full of lethal amounts of gamma radiation.”

I let out a gasp as Jemma pulled the bullet out of my leg with forceps.

“Tesseract. S-s-so, you’re saying it’s worse than nuclear?” I grunted through my sentence, trying to focus on anything but the burning sensation in my thigh.

Fitz only nodded, and everyone took a step away from the bag. Grant came to my side, pulling my matted hair away from my forehead.

“You touched it.” He scolded, sitting behind me to hold my shoulders steady.

Please don’t make me lose you.

“With your jacket. I’m fine.” I wheezed, feeling light-headed.

I’ll be okay, you won’t lose me.

“She’s lost a lot of blood, Ward.” Jemma’s voice was strained as she cleaned the wound again, and it felt like she was sticking a drill into my leg.

My chest tightened and I pushed back, my head thumping against Grant’s chest as he grabbed my shoulders, countering my force. “We’re the same blood type.” He yanked a sleeve up as soon as I stopped squirming.

“Can’t you guys get her anything for the pain?” Skye sounded so distant.

“She’s allergic to almost every damn painkiller on this godforsaken Earth.” Grant grunted and I could feel the vibrations in his chest.

“We could’ve just waited until I passed out.” I mumbled.

“Would’ve taken too long. Just a little pinch now, darling.” I heard Fitz and felt his hand over my arm, and then a needle being stuck inside.

I winced, trying to squirm once more, only to be stopped by Grant holding me down with one arm, the other connected to mine through a series of tubes.

“It hurts.” I whined, throwing my head back to hit Grant in the chest again.

He didn’t budge. “I know, Vi. I’m sorry.”

I whimpered again, forgetting that anyone else was in the room even though I could feel Simmon’s hands working on my leg.

“I know, ducky. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. Shh shh shh. I know, I know.” He mumbled to me as pain took over in surges and I let my weight fall back against him, everything fading to black.

                                                            ***

“Yeah, well I use normal English, words like duck and run and might blow us to pieces.” I could hear Grant bitching.

“Oh! Oh, wow! Well congratulations, Agent Ward! You managed to string three words together in a sentence!” I heard Fitz snap at him.

They continued to argue, and I forced my eyes open, rolling my head to the left. Coulson’s army men friends were strung around our garage, packing their guns into a code-protected safe as Coulson spoke to a woman. I realized I was no longer in the clothes from this morning, but my pajamas. Fitz must’ve gotten them from our room.

“Can you guys shut up?” I asked, my voice hoarse and scratchy.

“Violet!” Skye perked up before anyone and came running, Jemma on her heels.

“Hey.” I smiled.

Jemma pulled out a pen and shone it in my eyes. I knew she was making sure I was okay, so I tried not to fuss. Skye sat at the edge of my bed.

“Why’s the bed in the lab?” I asked, turning to Jemma.

“Coulson wanted you in here, since there’s unknowns on the bus. Just in case.” She explained with a smile. “Your vitals seem good. We bandaged your leg, but you should wait at least a few days before putting weight on it. No major hits, it just skimmed your femoral artery.”

“Well, that’s reassuring. Are you two done now?” I leaned around her, looking at Fitz and Grant.

Fitz looked at me with a relieved smile, and Grant only looked at me with a raised eyebrow.

Well, you’re feeling better.

I rolled my eyes at him.

Shut up, dickhead.

They shuffled over, like two kids in trouble. Jemma moved aside and let Fitz stand at my side, kissing my forehead and hugging me tightly. I pushed my face into his chest and breathed deeply, hating to see him so worried.

“Hey. I’m okay.” I stroked his cheek as he pulled away.

He only nodded with a soft smile before stepping back to let Grant in. I smiled at him as wide as I could in my sleepy state. He instantly laughed, both amused and relieved. He rushed toward me, sitting on the side of the bed and letting me hug him at my own pace. My head fell onto his shoulder as his arms came around me, holding me against him as he breathed choppily. He hid his face in my hair, and I could feel him trying not to cry. I wrapped my arms around his torso and looked over his shoulder at Fitz, pointing to the door with a pleading look. He got the message, pulling Skye and Jemma out with him.

“I’m sorry. I should’ve been covering you. You shouldn’t have gotten hit, especially not twice.” Grant’s chest heaved.

“It’s okay. It’s not your fault.” I rubbed his back.

He only sighed, letting his breathing even out over the course of a few minutes, still clinging to each other. He finally pulled back, wiping at his tears with the sleeves of his shirt before sniffling and looking back at me.

“I’m sorry.” This one was different.

He wasn’t apologizing for me getting shot. He was apologizing for his change in behavior. For being aggressive. For being unlike himself.

I nodded. “Grant, what happened to you?” I reached for his hand.

He let me take it, looking away with eyes closed and his lips in a thin line.

“Jail changes people, Vi. You know that.”

I squeezed his hand and leaned his way, trying to get him to look me in the eye. My own eyes began to tear up, and they stung.

“I meant after. After you …” I stopped and swallowed. “After they told us you died-” My voice broke, and half the word fell away into the air. “What happened then?”

He looked down, and then up at me, eyes sad. “My SO left me to fend for myself in the woods for half a year. I was alone, Vi. And I was scared.” His eyebrows were angled up.

I know I’m not the same. I’m so sorry.

I looked away, nodding once more. “I’m sorry. I put too much pressure on you.” I pursed my lips and looked back to him.

I just want my brother back.

He squeezed my hand this time, and I looked up to see him nodding his head.

I’m trying my best. I’m right here.

“No. You’re doing good. You’re keeping me in line. It’s a good thing.” He reached for my face and wiped my cheeks.

“Thank you.”

I nodded again, leaning forward for another hug. “You guys can come back in now.” I called, and Skye and Fitz-Simmons stumbled in.

Skye came back to my side, replacing Grant as he went on to continue his conversation with Fitz. They began to argue again.

“I’m just trying to tell you what you’re dealing with!” Fitz screamed.

“And I don’t understand anything you’re saying!” Grant screamed back.

The sliding doors opened and Coulson walked in, eyebrows raised. “Do we have a problem in here?”

Grant backed down and Fitz went quiet, working on his night-night gun.

“No sir. Just working on our communication. Not everyone was prepared for a firefight.” Grant looked around.

“We got out, didn’t lose anyone, saved a few of theirs. I’d say we did alright. Violet, how’re you doing?” He looked over at me.

I flashed a smile and a thumbs up. “Doing great, sir.”

He nodded. “Good, I’m glad. Anything else?” He looked around.

Skye’s hand popped up. “Yeah, I have, uh, one small question. Because I’ve been feeling like the tagalong hayseed rookie, but now I get the sense that Ward doesn’t know which one’s Simmons and which one’s Fitz, and they’ve seen even less gunfire than me, and he somehow managed to let his sister get shot, and I’m no rocket scientist, but is this your first mission together?” She leaned forward.

“No. Of course not.” Jemma frowned. “It’s our second.”

“I was your first? That’s sweet.” She scrunched her nose up.

“You’re amused?” Grant snapped.

“I’m terrified. I am in way over my head, but I have been on this team just as long as any of you. I might as well be team captain.” She scoffed.

I noted Simmon’s perfected eye roll, along with the glance Fitz and Grant were sending each other. Coulson remained stoic.

“I was joking, but maybe that’s not a bad idea, because these guys do not like each other much.”

“This isn’t about that.” Grant turned to Coulson. “I’m a specialist. Today, I could’ve eliminated the enemy threat myself if I was working alone,” 

I felt myself sink back into the pillows. I thought we had worked great together, considering we never had before. Jemma noticed and came to the other side of the lab table, shaking her head.

“...but I had non-combat ready agents-”

“Whoa, whoa, wait! You work alone?” Fitz cut him off.

“So typical. Who do you think designs your equipment?” Jemma looked at him with a scowl.

“Or the polymers for your weaponry? People like us do that.” Fitz pointed between Jemma and himself.

“Try going into the field with just your bare bum.” Jemma finished.

“Guys.” I pushed myself out of the bed, ignoring the shock traveling up my leg and the looks I got from the three of them. I forced my arms to do most of the work, half-limping and half-dragging myself to stand in front of them at the head of the table. “Shut up, and stop fighting. Because now you’ve proven Skye right, and Coulson’s doubting every single one of us.”

“You’re not wrong. We still need to iron out the kinks. But Ward, you can speak six languages. Simmons, you have two PhDs in fields I can’t pronounce, and Fitz, you are a rocket scientist. Violet, you keep being the buffer. And work it out.” Coulson had a firm tone, like a father scolding his kids before leaving.

I let out a breath and let my legs give out as Grant caught me with an angry look. He picked me up and plopped me back on the bed, checking the bandages on my arm and leg.

“I-I’m good at stuff too!” Skye called after Coulson.

                                                             ***

I was lying with my head on the pillow in Grant’s lap, a book falling from my hands as he rested his against my head. Fitz-Simmons were in the conference room with the holotable, and they had gotten snippy with each other. Grant and I stayed out of their way, holing ourselves up in the lounge. I let my eyes slip closed. It didn’t matter if I fell asleep, Grant would probably just move me to my bed either way.

“Hunger Games?” I heard Skye. “Oh, is she sleeping? Sorry.”

“She’s a heavy sleeper, it’s fine. And no, it’s Matterhorn. One of a hundred novels my SO gave me that I’m just getting around to.” He sighed.

There was a pause.

“SO. Supervising Officer.” He explained, probably not looking up from his book.

“Got it. Hackers have lingo too, but I’ll pick yours up. I feel like you and me? Wrong foot. Can I buy you a drink?”

I felt him chuckle and set the book aside, pulling the pillow further onto his lap so he could sit up straight without pushing me off the couch.

“What I said before- When I said the uprising was- whatever I said- a good thing. I don’t want you to think I’m oblivious.” I heard the clink of a bottle. “What I was talking about was the tweets.”

“Tweets.” Grant repeated, his hand coming up to rub my shoulder.

He knew I was awake, and he wanted to make sure I was taking mental notes so we could dissect this later.

“You trying to make things better or worse?”

“Peruvians have organized for the first time in decades. Thousands of suffering people who have never met uniting over a common idea? It’s mind-blowing. And I don’t want to bring it up because I don’t wanna see your hate face, but … that’s what the Rising Tide is all about.”

“Okay.” He sounded slightly disgruntled.

“Usually, one person doesn’t have the solution. But a hundred people- with one percent of the solution? That’ll get it done.”

Grant took a deep breath.

“I think that’s beautiful. Pieces solving a puzzle.”

Grant sighed and scooted closer to her, holding my head with a hand to keep me steady. I heard him take a glass from her and swirl it.

“You and I see the world differently is all.”

“I’ve never been in a war zone during a war until today. That was crazy. I take it you’ve seen that a lot?”

Another sigh from him, this one deeper. He didn’t answer her question, only grunted as he put his drink down.

“Did you get shot?” She grabbed him.

“Skin deep. Nothing like Violet here. Nothing to worry about.” He took his arm back.

“You also got shot. Did that happen protecting us?” She pressed.

“Said don’t worry about it.” There was a gentle tone, and I imagined he was smiling.

She was talking about the bit of blood on his side, where he had gotten skimmed while lifting me to shoot one of the rebels out from the other side of the car. Jemma took care of it after she took care of me, and she said he’d only need a bandaid and he’d be fine. He hadn’t bothered to change his shirt.

“Well, no wonder you were so pissed.”

He hesitated. “I wasn’t pissed. I was trained to be the whole solution, to eliminate variables. And today, they keep adding up.” His tone changed, and his hand moved slowly to shake me.

I feigned sleepiness again, opening my eyes and rubbing them.

“Vi.” His eyes remained in one place.

I sat up slowly, and he pulled me into his side, bringing his mouth to whisper in my ear. His grip on my arm was firm.

“When I say so, take Skye and get to the lab. Guard Fitz-Simmons, and don’t let them get the 0-8-4. They’re PMP, but they’re lying to us.”

I pulled back and leaned against his shoulder, nodding slightly so he would feel it but the officers wouldn’t see it.

“Morning.” Skye smiled at me. “We’re turning.”

Grant nodded. “We’re entering restricted airspace, so we have to follow certain flight paths. Regulation. This plane is capable of fully automated flight, but May has to be on the stick herself tonight.” He slung his arm around me again.

“You’ve got an SO, May’s gotta be on the stick. Lots of good lingo on this plane.” Skye laughed.

“Yeah. We just can’t seem to understand each other.” Grant smiled his charming smile, the one he used to flash when he was in high school that made all my friends, in their middle school glory, fall for him.

Skye poured herself another drink and Grant looked down at me with an eyebrow arched. I watched him as he looked back to the officers. He set his jaw and gave me a squeeze, kissing the top of my head.

“Skye. Hand me the bottle.” He smiled again, then whispered into my hair. “Go, now.”

“Okay, turbo, but you’re still nursing the one you’ve got.” She laughed and I pushed myself to my feet.

“I’m not the only one.”

She looked at me and I shook my head, reaching for her hand. “Remember how we had to talk to Fitz about the fan in your bunk? We should probably go now, before he turns in for the night.” I smiled.

She caught on and gulped nervously. “Okay.”

Grant smiled as the officer came over, then pushed us out of the way and smashed the bottle onto the officer’s hand, who let out a scream. I grabbed Skye and pulled her behind me, trying to move as fast as I could without letting the stitches in my leg break. We rounded the corner and I pulled my weight over the side of the banister, letting myself slide down it rather than running down the stairs.

“Violet!” Skye called out from the bottom of the steps, pointing at one of the officers, who had Fitz with a scalpel to his neck.

“Get in here and sit down.” The man growled.

I grunted as my weight fell onto my leg and I put my hands up. Skye grabbed me by the elbows, helping me stand before dragging me into the lab. Jemma tried to help lower me to the floor, but it only seemed to piss the man off more and he moved the scalpel closer to Fitz’s neck.

“I’m fine, Jemma.” I shrugged her off, sliding onto the floor and clutching at my leg, below the line of stitches.

“Stop squirming, pretty boy.” The man growled as Fitz tried to pull his arms away.

I could hear his hard breathing and I felt my head throb.

“You know, if you want a valuable hostage, you might wanna take someone else.” I started.

“What?” He hissed.

“I mean, it’s your choice.” I shrugged. “He is pretty, you got that part right.”

“Shut up.” The man grunted.

“But really, he’s just the tech guy. He’s like, oh I dunno,” I shrugged again, “glorified IT. That’s what he is. He doesn’t know anything. Coulson can easily replace him.”

“Shut up!”

“Listen, bud, I’m just trying to help you out. You want leverage against Coulson and Ward? Switch me out for him.” I glared, breathing hard and grabbing the same spot of my leg.

The men stared for a second, contemplating. “Fine. Nice and easy. Nobody try anything or I’ll kill you all.” He eased his arms off Fitz, who ran into my open arms, squeezing me.

“You’re an idiot!” He shouted loudly.

“Loop the cameras.” I whispered into his ear before kissing his cheek and letting the officer put the scalpel up to my neck.

I groaned in pain as he made me put weight on my leg. The man forced me down on it as I whimpered. He laughed, then shoved me against the table.

“Where’s it hurt?”

“Where do you think, dumbass?” I growled through gritted teeth.

He hummed to himself, putting the scalpel down and bending down, moving his hand across my thigh to move my grip. He grunted in satisfaction once he found the blood soaked bandage. He cracked his knuckles before resettling his grip on my leg, ready to dig his fingers into my wound. The spot I had gripped was an inch below, where the worst he could do was make it throb more. He pressed a thumb against it and I yelled anyways, letting him believe it. I heard Skye gasp. He jammed his thumb in further, his head in the crook of my neck. He smelled vile and he was breathing oddly.

I took the moment of his distraction to elbow him in the crotch. He fell to the floor, still gripping my leg. I turned around and kicked his face, fingers finding the scalpel and ripping it over his face, breaking skin on his cheek and forehead. Skye screamed as blood splattered across my shirt. I stabbed him in the shoulder and kicked his head again, this time to knock him out.

“Fitz, lock the doors.” I ordered as I pulled back and pushed the man aside, my leg pulsing.

“Are you okay?” Jemma was worried, her forehead creased and her eyebrows furrowed.

I nodded. “Went a few inches down, don’t worry.”

“Hey!” There was a harsh knock on the lab door and Fitz yelped.

I looked out to see another man with a gun to Grant’s throat. I glanced over my shoulder, glad to see his fellow officer out of sight.

“Open the door or he gets blown to bits.”

I could see Grant breathing heavily. They had done a number on him, his eye already swelling. He looked at me, frustration on his face.

Don’t you dare open those doors.

I sighed.

I’m not just gonna sit here and let you get shot.

“Open the doors.” I mumbled, falling back to the ground.

I could see Grant talking frantically to the guard, who only seemed to get angrier by the second. The doors slid open and I could finally hear my brother’s voice.

“Please. I swear I won’t try anything. She just needs help walking, that’s all. She’ll put up a fight against you if you touch her. Please.”

“Fine.” The officer snorted, pushing him forward.

Grant ran to me, scooping me into his arms and pulling me up. “You’re okay.” He whispered, the lines on his forehead a tell of how worried he was.

I only nodded as they tied us each up, and then gave me my own separate black eye along with a broken nose and busted lip for having cut their friend up. I spit out blood as they left, trudging back up the stairs with their bleeding friend. My nose was throbbing, as was my leg and every other part of my body. I leaned my head against Grant’s shoulder, exhausted.

“This is all my fault. I should’ve learned Kung Fu.” Fitz tried to joke.

“Yeah, but I shouldn’t have pushed you into the field in the first place. You weren’t ready.” Jemma sighed.

“It was my job to make a proper threat assessment.” Grant tried to take the blame.

“Uh, we- we weren’t ready.” Fitz argued.

“This couldn’t have happened if Agent May wasn’t on the stick.” Skye jumped in. “She would’ve busted out with some of her ninja know-how.”

“Agent May? No, no, no. She transferred from administration.” Fitz argued again.

“Well, I’ve seen her destroy a guy, so…”

“Can we stop the pity party? We have to find a way out of here before they kill Coulson, take the 0-8-4, and then crash this plane where nobody will ever find our bodies.”

“Okay, wait but Agent May?” Fitz-Simmons pressed again, this time looking to Grant.

He smiled. “You’ve heard of the Calvary?”

“Yeah, everyone at the academy talks about st-... She’s the Calvary?” They exclaimed.

“I told you never to call me that.” May’s voice was scratchy.

“Oh, well we’re sure to get out of here now! Um, how do we get out of here?” Jemma asked her as she sat up.

“Can’t go through the doors. They’re bolted, tied to the pressurization lines. You two geniuses have nothing?” She looked at Fitz-Simmons.

“Yeah, well, it’s hard to concentrate in these intense situations.” Fitz explained from beside me.

“Hey. Don’t freeze up. Take a breath. You don’t need to come up with the whole solution. Just part of it. Right?” Grant spoke calmly.

“Yeah.” Skye smiled. “Pieces solving a puzzle.”

                                                              ***

“Well that’s clearly the worst idea we’ve heard yet!” Jemma scoffed.

“Yeah!” Fitz agreed.

“Maybe, but it might work.” Skye shrugged.

“Guys, Reyes is gonna kill us once we land and blame it on rebels.” Grant insisted.

“At least this way we’ll have a fighting chance.” I offered.

“We’ll take it.” Grant spoke for the both of us.

“What’s first?” I asked Fitz.

“We can’t get upstairs without going in the lab.” Fitz answered.

“And the only way to release the lab doors is from upstairs.” Jemma added.

Skye rolled her eyes. “First thing is that we’re tied to the cargo door, so unless you guys can-”

She was cut off by a crack and I grimaced.

“What the hell was that?” Fitz jumped closer to me, worried, and I bumped my knee to his in reassurance.

“Her wrist.” Grant answered.

We watched as May snuck behind Lola, making her way up to the balcony in silence, where a guard stood watch with Grant’s sidearm. She was slow and quiet, inching her way across the bottom railing of the balcony on her fingers. The guard turned and stared straight at us before becoming confused by the lack of one of us. May swung up, her legs locking around his neck as she threw him over the balcony and he landed cold on the floor. She landed on her feet and popped her wrist back into place.

“What’s next?”

                                                          ***

“Okay, we’re sure, right?” Sky stood on Grant’s other side.

“Yeah, we’re sure.” He had his arm around my shoulders, keeping me balanced.

“We’re all on board.” Jemma’s voice was shaky.

“Yeah, let’s do this, fast.” Fitz was on my other side.

“Alright guys, let’s do it.” I was the last to speak, and probably the calmest besides my brother.

“No turning back, no freezing up.” He spoke.

“Because if we do, then…” Fitz trailed off.

“All of us die.” Grant finished.

“We know.” I patted his arm.

“Alright.” Grant nodded and gave me a look, to which I nodded.

You’re sure you’re okay to do this?

Positive.

He knelt so I could get on his back, like we were children at a fairgrounds and May revved the engine of the SUV. “You guys talk a lot.” She sat in the car and gunned it, barely giving Grant time to shove Fitz-Simmons and Skye out of the way. She crashed into the lab doors and I heard Fitz wince. Jemma climbed onto the table and started to unscrew part of the ceiling. Fitz got the drones out, firing them up as Skye and I raided the cabinets for cords. May snuck out, and Grant found other cords.

He handed me the link of chains and a few cords, and I got them together as fast as I could. He did the other two. Once he finished he grabbed Skye and Jemma. I tightened Fitz’s around his waist, pulling his tie over it so it wouldn’t get caught.

“Are you sure this’ll work?” He asked me, worried.

I nodded. “I’m sure.” I pushed him over to Jemma’s side.

Grant turned me around to hook my cord on, tightening it a bit more than was necessary. He scanned my face and I only nodded. This would work. It had to work. Grant and I worked fast, hooking the cords together and praying they would hold. Fitz held the tablet tight in his hands, with a view of what the drone was seeing. Coulson’s voice came over.

“It’s gonna be blue skies from here on out.”

“Simmons, forget what I said before. This is the moment we’re gonna regret.” Fitz took a deep breath before hitting the button.

The drone would activate the 0-8-4, which would hopefully blow the plane open and give us a shot. The panel beside Grant turned from red to green.

“It worked!” Skye shouted.

“The drop in cabin pressure released the doors!” Jemma smiled.

“I’ll take care of the soldiers, you guys get to the 0-8-4.”

“And Coulson?” Fitz asked.

“Let’s hope he can handle himself. Be careful.” He grabbed my shoulder before pushing the door open, leading the way.

There were gunshots, and Grant was shoving us to the floor, crawling toward the couch. He jumped over, taking on two soldiers, getting one out of the way before trapping the other against the couch and kneeling over him.

“Go, now! Find the 0-8-4!” He yelled at us and Skye started to move, forcing the rest of us to follow with her.

I watched as another soldier took on Grant, leaping onto him and taking him down. Things became quiet and I thought for a second that my ears were bleeding. Fitz pushed himself to his hands and knees behind me, saying something that I couldn’t hear. I sighed before pulling him by the cord and yanking Jemma back. I tied theirs together and ripped my own off.

“Violet, what are you doing?” Fitz screamed, but I was already moving over the couch, kicking one soldier in the face with my sock covered feet as another tried to drag me onto the floor. I felt the plane jerk downward and the man fell away. I grabbed at one seatbelt, pushing against the couch to give the other to Grant, who gripped it before kicking another soldier away. Another managed to grab my leg, his finger in the bullet wound on my thigh. I screamed, trying to get him off by kicking at his shoulders.

“Fitz! We got it! Reel us back in!” Skye shouted as Jemma pried the 0-8-4 from the wall.

I watched in practically slow motion as she unbuckled herself. Grant’s hand slipped from the seat belt and he cursed, fumbling to get a grip on anything he could. I tore my eyes from Skye and kicked a leg out, despite my entire body screaming in pain. Grant grabbed a hold of my ankle, grimacing when he heard my involuntary yelp. The soldier finally let go, his fingers dragging down my leg.

The plane slowly came back up, and both Grant and I dropped on the floor. The man that had been gripping my leg started to hit him, punching him in the ribs. One of the first men Grant had taken care of was now back on his hands and knees, crawling toward me with a shard of glass. I scrambled away, only to see another soldier cornering Fitz-Simmons. I jumped over the couch to help them.

“Cut him loose!” I shouted.

Fitz hit at his buckle until the man went flying, and I secured one hand on Jemma’s cord, the other catching Fitz as he fell.

“Sorry Ward!” Jemma shouted as the man fell onto him, pulling him toward the opening.

“Grant!” I screamed as he caught hold of a railing, trying to pull the man back inside.

His sleeve slipped from my brother’s hand, and as he looked down at it somberly, his grip came off the pole and he flew toward the gaping hole in the plane.

“Grant!” I shrieked, relieved to see, once again in slow motion, one of the liferafts coming to cover up the hole, Grant falling into the center of it with a heavy breath.

I pushed myself to my feet, ignoring the searing pain in my leg as I ran to him, collapsing next to him with a sob. He practically pulled me into his lap, throwing his head backward and rubbing my arm. He jerked forward, and I looked over to see one of the soldiers crawling toward a gun. Coulson stepped in front of us and trapped the man’s hand under his foot. I felt my brother relax once more before pushing me off and grunting as he got to his feet. He bent over to pick me up, again onto his back. I watched as Skye sighed from the floor and Fitz-Simmons popped up from behind the counter.

“I read the safety pamphlet.” Skye came over to us.

“I think you might be the first.” Grant scoffed, slowly walking over to meet Coulson by the bar.

Everyone crowded around it, with the exception of Fitz, who was clinging to one of the columns with his eyes glazed over.

“No other way in, huh? I was just starting to warm up to this place.” Coulson sighed, picking up a broken glass off the floor.

Skye leaned over and placed a coaster under it before taking a seat.

“The 0-8-4 is cooling and stable.” Fitz was now calmer, one arm around the column and the other on his hip. “But we should call HQ and get it to the Slingshot as soon as possible.” He hugged the column again.

Jemma took a seat as Coulson walked over to Reyes, who was tied up to a pole. “Told you they were good.” He was proud.

“Why don’t you go hug your boyfriend? He looks a little scared.” Grant whispered over his shoulder, easing me onto the ground.

I laughed, pushing at his back with the little strength I had left before limping over to Fitz, who upon seeing my state, let go of the column and threw his arms around my middle without hesitation. I relaxed in his grip, sliding my arms around his shoulders and letting him hold my weight.

“I love you.” His voice was hushed.

I let out a laugh, tightening my arms around him, happy he was okay. “I love you too, angel face.”

                                                           ***

When we got to the Slingshot, the first thing that happened was Jemma insisting on stitching my leg back up after cleaning it, much to my refusal. Then, we took showers, and then, technical crew started to take care of our bus. Somewhere along the way, Grant and I had demanded coffee and Fitz-Simmons had begged for tea.

I watched as Coulson cleaned a smudge off of Lola, turning and talking to Skye.

“Looks like Skye might end up as more than a consultant, despite our reservations.” Grant was busy repacking weapons into their cases, letting me put my weight against his side.

May only nodded.

“She could turn into a solid asset. With some serious work.”

“Well, if she wants to be a field agent, she’ll need a supervising officer. Someone disciplined. Someone good.” She looked at Grant, who was only nodding.

I giggled, looking up at him. He caught May’s stare and made a face.

“Okay. I’ll do it.”

I laughed this time.

“Just to be clear, you were talking about me. Right?” He asked, but she didn’t give him an answer.

“I was thinking, maybe even a pair. Two people who could… tag team?” She raised an eyebrow.

Grant and I looked at each other with identical grins on our faces.

“We blew up a plane!” I could hear Fitz coming down the stairs.

“I had a new experience, that’s for sure.” Jemma sounded content, as always.

“Eat that, Professor Vaughn.”

“You had a new experience, but it was new for all of us!” She had a beer in her hand, and Fitz had a cooler.

“They’re happy.” May noted and I smiled.

“Hey, come on, you guys don’t wanna miss this.” Fitz stopped and handed me his beer so he could help me up.

I hopped onto my toes to kiss his cheek before letting him lead us to the edge of the ramp, sitting down and passing beers around. Fitz pulled me to sit between his legs and I settled happily against him, glad to have his arms around my middle gripping me like a lifeline. Our legs dangled off the edge.

“So it’ll take about a hundred and eighty days to reach the sun. Now yes, of course, it would’ve been faster if they’d used hydrogen-fueled APUs, but they’re having fun.” Fitz explained as Grant sat next to us, taking a beer.

“How many of those have you guys had?” Skye asked with a laugh.

“Skye.” Jemma chuckled and May sat next to her. “It’s important when in the field to unwind from time to time.”

“Yeah, yeah, especially after a hard day of everyone almost dying.” Fitz continued.

“Which doesn’t happen every day, right? It’s an anomaly, an irregularity! Not … the norm.” Jemma exclaimed.

Coulson stood at the edge instead of sitting. “Speaking of not the norm, who’s idea was it to blow a hole in this plane?”

We all went white, looking down. Fitz gripped me tighter, now afraid of Coulson’s anger. Skye hadn’t sat down, so when she spoke it came from behind.

“May said that the doors were tied to the pressurization, so I thought-”

“So we thought it would be the only way to release them.” I cut her off.

“It was everyone’s idea, sir.” Grant jumped in.

“Yes, quite genius, really.” Fitz perked up.

“Nice work.” Coulson broke a smile and we all relaxed again.

Even May smiled and I leaned back against Fitz with a smile, laughing when Grant made a disgusted face at us.

“All clear for liftoff.” A voice came over the speakers.

“Oh, time for blastoff.” Fitz pinched his nose. “Launching in three, two…” He trailed off, watching as the rocket went up, leaving a gray trail.

“The trajectory will take it beyond the lagrange point so that it doesn’t hit Herschel.” He leaned over to explain to Grant.

“Yeah, and there haven’t been any coronal mass ejections, so it shouldn’t lose telemetry.” Jemma giggled.

“Guys, English.” Grant sighed happily.

There was no response as we watched it go up through the clouds. Grant patted Fitz’s back. He flinched and I laughed, looking from my brother to my boyfriend and then back up to the rocket, which was now out of sight. I curled up in Fitz’s lap, letting my forehead fall against his neck as I closed my eyes. Coulson excused himself, presumably to go get chewed out by Fury. Skye still hadn’t sat down. May and Grant slowly finished their beers, and then excused themselves to finish packing up weapons. Jemma soon followed, taking the cooler too. I caught Fitz giving her a look as I twisted around to have my side against his chest.

“Why are you making everyone leave?” I looked up at him.

He only smiled.

“Leo. Come on.” I pressed a kiss to the underside of his jaw.

“Just want you and the sunset, nothing else.” He muttered, kissing my forehead.

I smiled. “Hey. I’m glad you’re still alive.”

He looked down at me, a wide smile growing on his baby face. “I’m glad I’m alive too. And to be completely clear, I’m overjoyed that you’re still alive.” His hand came to my face, thumb stroking my cheek.

I kissed the palm of his hand. “I think Grant sorta likes you.”

“Oh yeah?” He laughed. “What makes you say that?”

“You’ve been doing nerd-speak since we finished the fight, and he hasn’t wanted to murder you yet.”

“And how exactly do you know that?” He grinned.

“I can read his facial expressions.” I smiled.

He pulled me in to peck my lips. “That’s amazing, darlin’. I’m really glad for you. I guess you getting shot snapped him back to reality?”

I nodded. “I think so.”

“Well, glad to see I wasn’t the only one.”

“What do you mean?” I leaned into his arms, tilting my head.

“Nothing special.” He shrugged. “Just realized how much I love you is all.”

I smiled wider this time, sitting up and grabbing him by the neck. “God, I love you. Why do I love you so much?” I peppered his face in kisses, feeling him chuckle.

“What can I say, I’m a romantic.” He shrugged once I pulled back.

I rolled my eyes and suppressed a smile, letting him pull me forward to meet my lips once more.

[positivlyfocused]

What a Positively Focused 1:1 Session Looks Like

Prospective clients sometimes ask about what client sessions are like. Some wonder what I do with clients. Let's take that last question first.

I provide context where clients get clear about who and what they are. In that clarity, they find what I found in my own clarity: That they create their life experience ongoingly.

When they find that, life takes a turn. It becomes fulfilling, fun, fantasical seeming, although it's not fantastical, it's just how life works when Positively Focused.

Gradually clients enter their creative powers while learning, or re-learning how their creative powers work. They find happiness, freedom and joy.

I show clients their power and how to get it through a mystical experience that feels like a conversation.

Now the first question:

What are client sessions like?

Client sessions are conversations where I share insights about what my clients talk about. The insights open greater awareness, both for clients and for me. Since I give clients access to me through text and email as well as our in-person sessions, I can share an example of how a session sounds.

The following is an email from a client who lives with his wife. Married many years, Clifton (not his real name) now wants out. He wants out because he finds his situation, including his wife Margo (not her real name either), intolerable.

Behind Clifton's perceptions are belief constellations creating his intolerable situations, including Margo. Clifton is on his eighth session. Already he's seen seemingly extraordinary shifts in his wife. Only they are not extraordinary.

By learning how to create his reality on purpose, Clifton has created a new-to-him version of Margo and a new-to-him version of their marriage. Clifton wants his freedom. But he knows he can't have that until he makes peace with his current reality.

Being Positively Focused does that. It also makes his experience of his changing reality more fun, as you'll read from this email exchange. Clifton gave me permission to share this exchange provided I remove identifying details. The bolded sections are Clifton's comments, with mine following.

^^Photo by Jeremy Yap on Unsplash

It's the dreading one feels liberated from

So, I paid my income taxes today. Almost $4500. I had been dreading it and still haven't filled out a return (though now I have REAL motivation to do so, ha ha), and was thinking , "Send them a crumb" -- which is how I've done it for years. Throw the wolves a bone now and again and they'll back off for a while (until they get hungry again). This year, practically at the last minute, I threw them the whole carcass. It was liberating. I realize that I've always felt "liberated" (at least temporarily) whenever I am able to pay these creditors off at the calends (first of the month), and then I don't have to worry about it anymore. Gives one a feeling of power.

It’s interesting, isn’t it, how something “dreaded” once done turns “dread” into “liberation”. Remember what emotions are about. Then ask yourself: what is it I feel liberation from? Is it really the taxes? Or is it the “dreadful” feeling, which indicates something important, and when freed from that you connect with something that feels comparatively liberating and powerful? Interesting thing to consider.

I have $50,000 tied up, but currently collecting nine percent annual interest compounded, some gold coins and another $10,000 currently tied up in the van (I cleaned it up and put a "For Sale" sign on it, but have yet to put an ad on Craigslist)

Most of the day was spent in that "Joy/Freedom" space. I had a good piano lesson with Sergi (graduate of a music academy in the old Soviet Union - can't recall which, but it was a prestigious one). Earlier that day, I had been looking at a very wide screen monitor, 2nd hand at a local computer store. The store owner called me and informed be the price was almost $400 - more than I cared to pay, and I politely told him so and thanked him for getting in touch. I could have, of course - but I feel I should be spending those dollars on other things. Anyway, sure enough, I had a "hunch" on the way home and stopped at Goodwill. Found a working 48-in. TV that will double very nicely as an entertainment screen and a computer monitor. Price - $50. I liked that a whole lot better than $400. And it's bigger. Yes, the stand's a bit wobbly (probably why it was given away), but I imagine that's just a matter of tightening a screw or two.

Nice job following the hunch. Life is an adventure, or can be, when one connects with All That Is and allows it to lead one to all one wants. It also becomes treasure hunt-ish. Who knows what lies around the next bend or building? And, the best footing from which to play the adventure is in “Joy/Freedom”. Absolutely.

^^Photo by Beth Jnr on Unsplash

Everyone seeks internal connection on their way...

Also feels good to me to reuse and/or repurpose something. That includes composting. I am not a fan of gardening (one source of conflict between Margo and I), but at least composting is a good way to make use of food that has "gone off" and would otherwise be wasted.

See the differing interests between you and Margo as wonderful sources of both joy and variety. Joy in that what you love you love and what she loves she loves…and you both get the same thing from both your loves: connection with your Broader Perspective.

Variety in that, in the relief of your partner’s passion, you, rather than being turned off by that, can turn instead (turn the other cheek) to YOUR passion and feel exactly what she feels when she’s tending to her plants: connection, flow, fun, exuberance.

Then, perhaps, you can feel appreciation – not conflict – when you turn back to what she enjoys, knowing she’s getting from her passion the same thing you get from yours and so your passion and hers are not all that dissimilar.

Not that it matters, or maybe it does - but I was in the market for a large monitor because as a composer, I often work with very large scores - and it is tremendously helpful to see as much of it as possible. Not practical on small monitors.

That you are "in the market" matters. You’re on your way…you’ve been on your way, but also have been resisting the “way”…to your dreams. The monitor is a manifestation – a sign post – indicating your waywardness. I use that word not in it’s traditional definition, which is negative, but in a new way, indicating “toward your way”. The way you connected with that TV indicates your “compliance” with your Broader Perspective.

And just as you were compliant [in such a way you realized previous, important manifestations] and now this manifestation, there will be many more instances of delight on your way….which is why life never creates wham-bang manifestations that happen in an instant like magic. Instant manifestation happens in nonphysical. But in the world of manifested things, All is set up so you can enjoy and savor the JOURNEY towards the destination. Each moment is a realization. The more you come into this conversation, the clearer your awareness and the more you’ll see this statement’s accuracy.

^^Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Most don't see manifestation evidence because don't know what it looks like

This week, I also had the impulse to add something to an unrelated tweet [on Twitter]. Some actor had put himself out there, advising any directors or producers of his availability and experience.  I retweeted and added that if anyone was looking for a great film composer, please consider me - and added links to samples of my work on YouTube. A couple of people retweeted it...usually, I don't hold out much hope for these sort of things, but one never knows...trying to stay open to the possibilities.

This is a great example of your mixed energies. You don’t hold out much hope, but at the same time you “never know”. So you took action based on hope/who knows…and you saw a tiny manifestation of desire (that someone retweeted the tweet) outweighing your disbelief [expressed as "don't hold out much hope". Most miss these instances of evidence. Now you know it's more evidence of you on your way. Nice.

Like the double recliner I bought for what I plan to be my "apartment/suite." I sleep best in a recliner, which are typically for one --  but when I saw it, I started thinking, "Hmmm...what if I get lucky?" Wouldn't want to live with someone in that space (it's pretty small), but it could be a nice place to entertain... 😆

Enjoy this unfolding process right up until you wake one morning with someone beside you and you get how you manifested them as you manifested the recliner! Objects, people, circumstances…the entire Universe: at your command.

Margo and I have been getting on better, I think. Monday evening, she apologized for being short with me earlier, but she had been feeling poorly (infected insect bites) and just wanted to do the Garbot thing ("I vant to be alone!") I told her I felt her pain and understood completely - but in the future, please just come out and say that. I'll respect it. (Actually, I'm glad to, ha ha)

I’m sure you would be happy to respect it. Isn’t it nice to see the movement forward with her? And didn’t it confirm our conversation about her that whenever someone appears upset with you, it’s never about you? It’s about THEM. ALWAYS.

Their connection (or rather their LACK of connection) to their Inner Being...that’s always the source of negative emotion. So next time you can know…and accept…and then run for the hills, when she indicates disconnection through ornery emotional expression!

Her infection and current state of well-being is also why I am yet again postponing telling her we need to get a divorce. Yes, because I think we have grown in different directions and neither of us are happy in the relationship the way we should be. Officially however, it is for financial reasons.

I have consulted with lawyers and financial advisers, and they basically say the same thing - I will be better able to provide for her if she is not my legal spouse. There is nothing illegal about it, couples often do it because one needs disability payments and it is impossible for one spouse to totally support the disabled one. Also true if they continue to cohabit. I knew someone who continued to live with his ex. And of course, we haven't shared a room for years - and soon, I'll have a whole space, complete with kitchen and bath, to myself. I have put this off for way too long. And I need to do it like, yesterday. But she's feeling bad right now, and she's not terribly stable in general. I am afraid for her.

“Fear” is an emotion. Fear for another indicates you, looking at another and seeing that person differently from how your Broader Perspective sees that same person. Yes, there are aspects of reality you think confirm the “truth” of what you think might happen if she were on her own. And, your strong fear indicates you creating a reality in which you get to witness her being exactly as you are creating her.

And…there’s another version of her you could draw to you and so experience. The same way you’ve done with her and her disconnection caused from insect bites. You are allowing more of the person you know her to be to shine through. But for now, it’s prudent to proceed on this path. It is, for both of you, the path with the least angst. Always a good idea: following that path.

^^Photo by Juan Miguel Agudo on Unsplash

Everything you want is right on your path

Eventually, I really don't want to be living under the same roof with her - but for now, I have been attempting to rebuild some kind of relationship so she knows she's cared about and won't have to worry about her basic needs and won't be abandoned to fend for herself (at this point, it would be like abandoning a child).

Anyway - this is how I must present it. As a strictly financial decision. Nothing else changes. We continue going on as we have, living in the same house (which will continue to be community property). She remains my sole heir and beneficiary. She'll be able to get disability payments and EBT and remain eligible for Medicaid.

The difference is, I'm a free man. Period. What I will do with that freedom or how it will play out, I have no idea, but I'm staying open. She'll be free as well. Gods know, I've tried to encourage her in her writing, and mostly the way she relates to animals. If there was an office of Ambassador to the Animal World (or at least carnivores, bovines and equines), Margo would do the job better than anyone else I know.

All this is good stuff. Mahayana Buddhists would say you’re being her Bodhisattva in creating such a caring landscape for her. It is good as I know you feel good taking this path.

Encourage her in thought, but don’t voice them. Let her and her Inner Being come to the realization wherein she puts her passions into practice and from that she creates a whole new world where money comes into her life easily and swiftly.

Sometimes, I think she'd be happier with her brother, running his huge ranch cabin as a B&B, taking care of the horses and the sheep and the dogs and cats. It's what she spends most of her time and energy on anyway (and she complains about it, but I usually tease her, "You know you love it!") So that's where things stand...I've asked that "Broader Perspective" of mine to let me know when the right moment to announce the divorce is. About all I can do at this point.

Yes. As with the saw, as with the TV, as with everything you want, this is the best path. Do so and watch how easy the conversation goes. The more experiences like these you have, the more convinced you’ll become that this is the only way you want to live: surprised and delighted. Which is how you knew your experience would be when you first decided to come into physical reality.

It's all in the joy

My clients come enthusiastic about what we do together. The moment we start, they feel resonance with what we talk about. In short order they get results. That's why I offer a 100 percent money back guarantee. Everyone gets the result. Schedule your free 1:1 session.

[sugarstarlights]

an intervention

> Your almost whole-ass mental breakdown had gone several hours in various stages, and leaked onto your blog surprisingly little given some people’s reaction. ‘Your blog’s a disaster’, well so’s yours buddy, am I right. At least that reaction had immediately led to Seculus hauling feathery telepathic tail to the formerly empty clubhouse; this was a good thing because when it came to the specific thing you were ‘freaking out’ about tonight, ae’d witnessed almost all of it firsthand, so no explanations necessary. Well, almost no explanations. And almost empty. Now that you were paying more attention to the rest of the apartment you noticed your puppy was whining by the kitchen. You weren’t really able to process this before one of the locked bedroom doors opened, and the other angel abruptly appeared around the corner of the hallway, peering into the living room at you with obvious concern. 

You’d already jumped up hurriedly from the couch and in the process knocked over a tower of bottles you’d been slowly building before she got here, so at least they didn’t have to actually see that. What a mess though, still, you could only imagine, if your vision wasn’t fairly blurry. You were a mess too, obviously, but one who had recently figured out autocorrect and has a doctorate in lying, so you’d made a good act of that fact not existing. An attempt was made at moving a bit closer just so she wouldn’t rush over and touch you, but you only made it a couple steps before having to lean on the arm of the couch.  They were poking your brain already, something you’d only ever let aer do in decent conscience, and made no attempt to hug or help you up, but moving closer regardless to perch on the end of the other piece of furniture you’d dragged onto the teleporter pad. To keep out intruders. (And keep yourself in.) She looked at you in expectant silence for a moment and, getting the cue, you made an attempt to flash through some specific thoughts surrounding what you’d gotten yourself worked up about, hopefully quick enough that you’d forget them again in a few seconds. They nodded for a moment, closing their eyes to see it better or recall something about it, but this last bit caused them to frown. “You know, that if you don’t think about all these at some point they’ll just continue catching you by surprise forever....” In no way were you prepared for verbal communication, throat feeling glued shut, so you didn’t.  It would be just as bad whether I thought about it once or a trillion times, you argued, They made sure of that. Embedded it in every particle of your body, several times over. A woodstain that wouldn’t wash out, in the numb hinges of your hands, stiffness of your back and the body that just never felt like yours anymore. Their grip on you was perpetual and complete and the strings were only getting tighter. “Yes, I know it feels like that...because it’s trauma.” No it isn’t! It’s mental manipulation, “They knew what They were doing to make me a certain kind of usefully fragile! They planned this all out from the start, a blueprint for the perfect puppet.” A weird core-burning anger had been gripping you in bursts for some of the evening, resulting in a few hissing red sparks tossed from your hair; and though this one was directed at Them and not Sec, it still made her flinch, both your sudden actual voice and the bitter clarity of what was said, which was rather surprising giving your intoxication. Or maybe not clarity, but it was some kind of bitter anyway. “.....okay,” ae carefully muttered in return, “if.....you do really think. This was all on purpose, and that’s the only reason you’re the way- ....having the troubles you are. Then wouldn’t the best thing to do be to fuck with Their plans as much as possible?” This contribution from Dexter didn’t seem to be the intended wording, but it it got the point across, though Sec winced and added “By getting better. By, getting better and reversing some of the brain paths they made for you....make Them upset, because you figured out you weren’t Theirs. “...and you aren’t. You’ve done so much lately to improve and be yourself the way you want to, you’re as real a person as you think I am to you. If that. Helps......” The nervous bird fiddled with her necklace for a moment, afraid she’d overstepped. You stood unmoving, avoiding eye contact to think about the pros and cons of this suggestion. Like getting away completely was even an option at all, now that They have part of your soul in Their pocket, you idiot-  “-You can be free, it can be done,” Sec interrupted your train of thought with some urgent positivity. “...you know the place had me too, but I made it. Didn’t think so, but I was wrong...” “Don’t compare that, They wanted you gone. And now They’ll probably never see you again; They always get what They fucking want.” “..but we still....did.... [Your situation is just as dire to be sure, given the backdoor access to your soul They possess but you should be aware of our general theory that so long as you keep that amulet on at all times, you would be safe from anything worse than Their call.]”  At Ish’s sudden posture and reminder you frantically patted down the front of your shirt. You weren’t wearing it, goddammit- wait. Okay. It was in your shirt pocket, that’s fine. Or is it? Maybe it didn’t work if it wasn’t making skin contact, you’d thought about that before and forgotten hadn’t you, you immediately fix that and Ishael watched intently.  “[Whether the proximity matters or not is uncertain, but it is quite possible that the extra few centimeters of fabric allowed a bit more than just that to reach you. As we were saying-]” “Can I talk to Sec again? Hell, I’d take Dexter, I just can’t do a lecture right now. Any other time but now, really, but if I stand here and listen I’m going to take root.” “Oh, I suppose, sorry....that’s....but, um, what he was saying was relevant, They....uh......” (The more she thought about what they had been about to warn him of, the more the ways it would make his paranoid current train of thought worse became obvious. Tell him They could potentially influence his thoughts and feelings? Maybe even alter his soul from afar? That was the last thing he needed.) “....just please wear your amulet, at every moment. If you can do that, of, course,” “That I can do.” You were dizzy again, if they weren’t going to touch or lecture you, you could at least stop putting so much effort into standing, and you did. Your legs couldn’t hold your weight, ball joints had that problem, and the leaning you’d been doing put the view through the miles of forest between you and your eyes at an annoying angle to watch from. Sec wrung their hand and stared worriedly at the side of your head for these thoughts, as if trying to drill through your skull and find where you were in there. It wasn’t really working, and you just wanted to close your eyes for a minute. Your arms were already falling asleep, “*Wait, Mads, your puppy hasn’t eaten???” Jack’s voice surprised you but it was when you processed the sentence that you jolted upright. Of course he’d been whining, you evil piece of shit- “*Stop it pleeeaase, you didn’t do it on purpose but we can do it now!! Really fast!” He was right and you had to do that immediately, but in your rush to stand up and almost sprint towards the kitchen your foot caught on a table you’d moved yourself earlier, and you went down like a felled tree a few feet away from the animal you were so urgently moving to feed gave you scared eyes and backed away into the corner of the room. ..you’d been thinking about this earlier, but you didn’t think it’d happen so soon or from this of all things, but then again you’d been louder, and less attentive, and moving so much and so strangely and of course he’d hate you after hearing about any of this object shit,  “Madison, he doesn’t understand what you’re going through and he can’t be disgusted, but you’re very drunk and seeing you. ..seeing you this far gone, calling yourself these horrible things that only hurt you and so convinced of....believing things They’ve made you think because you won’t share anything even to prove Them wrong, and turning your feelings and your head off just to stop, you’re not yourself at all like this, it...hurts to watch, I’m scared for you, you...he’s....Bo’s scared for you,” she projected onto the stressed out dog, shuffling over to sit hugging their knees near you, still on the floor.  “And....I’m sure I’m not the first to say this, but it clearly isn’t working. To do that, to stop thinking about things. ...you do it before even talking to anyone and it always makes things worse, doesn’t it, or you hurt yourself, or feel ashamed in the morning, or, all........” It was difficult to see why you did it so often, but with the vague understanding they’d developed of alcoholism, the logic of addiction was there.

You utilized the excuse of having your face in the carpet to organize this distant whirlwind of things to process without focusing on vestigial things like the existence of your body. It was really a lot, and she was right, you were very drunk, and very dissociated, and it was very annoying how right she probably was. But more importantly, you hadn’t fed Bo and he was scared of you drunk. These were at the forefront as you put the other acknowledgements of emotional problems in bottles for never, and finally pushed yourself to your feet, swaying on the way to the kitchen to find the bag of food he seemed to like, and Sec followed like a shadow, taking quick stock of the visible alcoholic drinks scattered along the counter. Tempting, but the sharp thought of being looked at with fear cut that idea short for now. 

Seculus held up the bowl for you to pour into; soon the dog was eating and seemed slightly happier. You, meanwhile, stood a ways away, unsupported by the couch and with a blank stare on your face. Sec scampered back up beside you after having gathered some bottles up in a trashbag, and quietly asked if ae could touch you yet. You threw the vague equivalent of a nod toward the front of your brain and they lowered an arm to your side, gently folding their fingers around your hand. Yours was still a bit numb, but the cold bit through.  ..You’d finally come up against something you couldn’t argue with as a decent reason to change some more. Not a being or guilt you could ignore, and the risk that he might go hungry.. You’d have to really legitimately stop drinking, huh. “Well, yes, you do...but we’ve been asking you too anyways for such a long time, this would be seen as an improvement in every case....for your health, I mean.” Sure it would. But whatever. It was just something new to suffer through, except this time without the groggy freedom of forgetting to lighten the load, hm, actually this was going to be literal Hell. The bad one. “But we’ll be here for you the whole way, besides I ‘we’, I mean, Simon and Zion and Taes as well, you just need to ask us for help. Please. Sometimes...and. Speaking of which.”

“No, hold on-” “-My therapist is very nice, and very nonjudgemental, and specifically sees nonhuman patients, and he already knows how angels work from us, mostly, so maybe that would help with-” “I’m not talking to a stranger about my shit, how many times do I have to say that!” “...Madison, tonight was a very bad night. You can’t possibly argue that.” This one you could concede, the sheer bounds to which you let your head take a few sparks of recollection, from a determination that you had no free will or remnant of personhood to a vast conspiracy about what They’d done and going out of your way to find things that made you think about yourself and your existence in the worst ways possible and sharing these things on your public blog. Not to even mention the drinking binge. None of it was something you’d be happy you’d done in the morning, but you had no idea how or if talking to a ‘Mental Health Professional’ about it would possibly help. No amount of catharsis would weed out the inanimate wood replacing you from the inside outward. “Talking about it at all can give you another perspective than what They gave you. Working through what happened lessens the blow when it comes up...He can help you see yourself as a person. I was- that was what we worked on for, a bit, still sort of are, those thoughts aren’t reality and you’ll be able to understand....” Ae raised their other arm to wrap around you from the front, giving you a quick hug at the heart twist of hearing your horrifying conviction, and you didn’t process it enough to resist in any way. Which was for the best, you honestly needed it; a grounding touch that activated the nervous system you’d forgotten you had and making you shiver. “...you’re a wonderful person, and you deserve to exist for yourself. I, think so anyways....” ...maybe. Maybe, after you were through withdrawals, one time, just to see if it was worth the strain of talking about your feelings and having someone hear it. Maybe it could help somehow. “No, sooner, please, it will help you not drink as often, really. I can- Oh,” You’d slipped out of their arms to sink to the ground, legs crossed, watching Bo lick his bowl clean and look at you still a bit nervous, but lovingly. You couldn’t be a good pet owner if you didn’t do this, huh. (That was clearly the one and only reason this seemed worth doing.) But it was. Something you’d have to think more about in the morning, once you could actually think. And you Would, probably, you’d hold yourself to that, as would Sec as she quickly set an alarm to remind you in the morning after the inevitable hangover. 

Ae sat down beside you, you let out a long sigh and leaned against them a bit, as your pup zigzagged over to you. In the morning, then. But for now, with Sec’s long-dreaded Important Conversation complete (or temporarily on hold), they were here to distract you from these thoughts, and took you outside a bit later to get Bo some fresh air and look at stars and show you how to skateboard, making it a goal to, for the moment at least, forget the vast threat They posed and the marks They’d left on you. Which worked, partially at least. You still felt far away, and the morning was still looming, but at least this one nightmare was good for something.

[rinaris-skyrim]

2. Tweaks

I wish I had a better category name for these. These are small changes, some of them atmospheric, some of them just nice to have. They don’t change anything terribly significant about the game, just add some flavor here, an item there, a little immersive utility yonder.

---

A Matter of Time

In-game clock widget. Useful for checking to see when shops should be open, checking the phases of the moons if you’re a werewolf, figuring out if it’ll be dark soon. Just a gem. [link]

Aime’s Craftable Lockpicks

WISOTT - What it says on the tin. One iron ingot equals five lockpicks. No more complicated than that. [link]

Alchemist’s Journal

More for roleplaying purposes than anything. A simple book, craftable at a tanning rack, that lists ingredient effects as you discover them. [link]

Atlas Map Markers - Updated

The original Atlas Map Markers is brilliant, adding map markers for most things in Skyrim you might want on your map — the smaller camps, shops, shrines out in the wilderness, interesting spots, landmarks, whatnot. Kryptopyr updated it with an mod configuration menu. You’ll need the original [here], and then install Kryptopyr’s update [here] over it (”merge” option in Mod Organizer).

Better Stealing

A somewhat controversial tweak, one I’m not sure works well for balance, especially given various perk overhauls and other mods that allow multiple ways for you to offload stolen goods. However, I always found it stupid that shopkeepers would preternaturally “know” what was stolen and what wasn’t. This makes it simple: if it’s relatively inexpensive and no one sees you take it, it won’t be marked as “stolen” in your inventory (though the owners might still send some thugs after you after the fact, once they realize it’s missing!). Simple SKSE plugin. [link]

CS Soul Fragments to Soul Gems

Finally a use for all of those “Soul Gem Fragments” you find out in ruins or in random barrels! “Polish” the fragments with a linen rag at a forge, then combine them to make empty soul gems of the size you desire. You can also “smash” soul gems to reforge one large gem into several smaller ones, if you prefer, or combine smaller ones into larger gems. Why was this not in the base game? [link]

Dark Brotherhood for Good Guys

Why do I want this mod for a group that’s all about playing a murdering edgelord? Well, basically, because not all Brotherhood members are edgy dark edgelords, and usually when people want someone murdered, it’s for a reason. This gives you a somewhat different perspective on the Brotherhood and their victims: information, backstories, the philosophy of Sithis as morally neutral chaos instead of pure evil. I tend to play on the good-ish side of things, and I love reading and lore, so I like this. Add to taste. Be sure to merge the base mod with the provided hotfix. [link]

Dragon Wall Wisdom - Readable Dragon Walls

You’re the Dragonborn, right? Learning the dragon language, right? Gifted with an understanding of the dragon tongue and preternatural knowledge, right? Then you should really be able to read these dragon wall inscriptions in the game. This offers funny, quirky, and sometimes just downright mundane translations for these ancient arcane inscriptions. SHBITBG - Should have been in the base game. [link]

EK_RingLimiter

You have ten fingers. Why only one ring? This allows you to wear more — though for balance reasons I recommend sticking with the default of two, or perhaps four. Something something about magical auras interfering if the trinkets are worn too close to one another. ;) [link]

Even Better Quest Objectives

The default in-game journal is rather pathetic. It rarely gives you your motivations, or even a text version of where you’re supposed to go next. I very much miss Morrowind’s journal, where every conversation and relevant tidbit was recorded. This helps. [link]

Farmers Sell Produce

Seriously, again, why wasn’t this in the base game? It’s close to necessary if you’re going to use a needs mod, or something that uses produce to create medicines for diseases. Assuming, of course, you’re not inclined to go rampaging across farmers’ carefully-tended fields. [link]

Faster Transform - To Werewolf and VampireLord

Just a nice tweak. Again, time is valuable, it’s nice not to have quite such a large window in which I’m being wailed on by enemies, and I like the more monstrous touch. The middle option - only half the vanilla time to transform - is recommended for realism and balance reasons. [link]

Female Vampires Have Fangs

One of the very few purely aesthetic changes here. All vampires should have fangs. (I’m gay. Fangs hot.) [link]

Harvest Overhaul

Find it stupid you only get one flower from that whole patch of mountain flowers? Yeah, me too. This fixes that. [link]

iHUD - Immersive HUD

Neatly stows away the status bars when you don’t need them (when they’re full and you’re not in combat). Also hides the compass, because how does your character preternaturally know there’s this thing that way if they can’t see it? [link]

Immersive Dragons

Just gives dragons a larger wingspan so they can maybe actually lift themselves into the air. Another aesthetics tweak, with the goal of immersion. [link]

Jaxonz Lights Please

Incredibly useful for those using magical lighting. This maps both Candlelight and Magelight to hotkeys, removing the need to constantly switch spells. It also means you can easily toggle Candlelight on and off like a lantern or torch. Works well with mods that affect lighting and darkness, which I do. [link]

Jaxonz Map Markers

The best custom map marker mod I’ve found. Want to keep track of... well, anything? Ore deposits, NPCs, followers, your horse, that little camp... This is it! Uses the game’s built-in quest and quest objective system for map markers. Super easy to use. [link]

Kryptopyr’s Clothing and Clutter Fixes

This maybe should have gone in the “Fixes” post, but it’s... not quite “just” fixes. “Hooded robes” are separated into hoods and robes for mixing and matching, some NPCs clothing is changed to be more lore-friendly, alongside some behind-the-scenes fixes like weight adjustments. Optional, officially. [link]

Kryptopyr’s Weapon and Armor Fixes Remade

This also maybe should have gone in the “Fixes” post, but again, it’s a bit more of an overhaul, adjusting weights of things and armor scaling for consistency. Required for Kryptopyr’s great crafting overhaul, CCOR, so we definitely want this. [link]

Learn Alchemy From Recipes

WISOTT. Reading a recipe “discovers” those ingredient effects for you. Again, why was this not in the original game? [link]

Living Takes Time

I’ll be honest, I deactivate most of the features of this mod, except for “training takes time” and “reading takes time” (and increases speech skill). Crafting takes time just gets onerous, especially in the early game when you need all this gear and your bandoliers and you have needs you need to fill... And blocking the inventory or magic menu during combat is just... no. Still, the mod itself adds some nice functionality, and it can be fully tweaked to taste. If you’re using an alternate spell learning mod, be sure to set the “spell learning” time to zero. [link]

Mortal Enemies - De-Aimbot Your Foes

Once an enemy has started an attack, they’re locked into that direction and attack. This makes you able to dodge or move out of range of the attack, and they can no longer hit you anyways. They move slower when aiming or channeling as well. No instant pivots, and two-handed weapons feel heavier than one-handed ones. All in all, it makes combat feel more realistic, and allows them to miss you if you’re clever. But beware! These changes apply to you, too! [link]

No Psychic Lock Knowledge

WISOTT. You don’t somehow magically know how hard a lock is going to be just by looking at it. You just try to pick it, like... you actually would if you decide to pick a lock. [link]

No Silver at Jorrvaskr

Because a group of warriors whose upper echelons are all werewolves would totally be eating off silver. Not. [link] (in the optional files section)

Non-Exploitable Crossbow Reloading

Allows you to reload crossbows on your own time, by pressing the fire button, before firing again, without messing with your equipped ammunition. Simple and lovely. [link]

People Are Strangers

You don’t somehow magically know the names of people before you talk to them! I personally favor the “race” variant, just because... less generic, and I can usually see if someone is a Wood Elf or an Argonian anyways, but you can adjust the “stranger” label to taste. [link]

Point the Way

Roads actually have more signposts to direct people to the smaller towns as well as the large cities, and have them at more junctions. Signs also point the right way. Especially helpful along some of the more windy roads. No need to puzzle things out on your map quite so much. [link]

Realistic Capacity

Without a bag, you can only carry as much as you can feasibly wear, really. It’s that simple. This mod dynamically adjusts your capacity and allows for the armor you’re wearing and a few different weapons, e.g. a bow, a one-handed weapon, a shield, a knife or two, making those effectively weightless, and assume pockets for some meager supplies, but aside from that — backpacks and bags are mandatory. Makes things harder for a packrat like me, but it does make me think. [link]

Realistic Humanoid Movement Speed

This one takes a bit of the sting out of Realistic Capacity. Movement speed is adjusted to feel more realistic overall — you walk faster, jog more slowly (when sneaking, too), and don’t sprint like a gazelle. Take the optional horse speed modifier file to also add more value to horses: they walk and gallop faster as well now, in addition to their other benefits. [link]

Realistic Nights

Wondering why torches and night eye were even added to the game? Annoyed at how, well, bright the nights are? Put an end to that! Darker nights make light sources actually useful, and provides a good reason for sneaky types to actually consider the day/night cycle. Light adjusted based on the moons, snow reflecting night, and various other factors for an even better experience. [link]

Run For Your Lives

NPCs who are not guards or warriors run inside and hide from both dragons and vampire attacks. Like anyone with any sense of self-preservation would. I mean, I guess Nords don’t exactly revere self-preservation, but... this just seems more sensible to me, especially if we’re talking little old ladies armed with a steel dagger. [link]

SCRR - Skyrim Coin Replacer Redux

“Modern” Septims have no business deep in ancient Nordic burial mounds or Dwemer ruins. The Stormcloaks aren’t too ecstatic about Imperial money, either, and are creating their own silver currency, though gold is gold. Now silver Haralds are found in barrows, and ebony Dumacs in Dwemer ruins. All can be be melted down to ingots of their respective metals, or traded with merchants for “regular” currency. This adds massively to immersion, not to mention offering a supply of useful materials for smithing. [link]

Sleep Tight

Simple change that makes NPCs change into robes or clothes for sleeping, instead of going to bed in that hard iron armor (though for balance reasons, and modesty, people still wear chest armor). Accordingly, they’ll also take more damage if you can catch them unawares. [link]

Take Notes - Journal of the Dragonborn

I love this. I love this so so much. The ability to write a custom journal from in the game, and export it if I want to, adds so much to roleplaying. It means I can create a proper backstory, examine character motivations, process events of the game through my character’s lens, and record it all for myself later. Just, magnificent. Get it. You won’t regret it. [link]

The Choice is Yours - Fewer Forced Quests - Improved Dialogue Options

WISOTT. Just talking to someone doesn’t automatically add a quest to your inventory. You can turn an offer down or defer an errand until later. Some things a character just wouldn’t want to do. Now that’s not cluttering up your journal. Again, SHBITBG - should have been in the base game. [link]

Timing is Everything - Quest Delay and Timing Control

This allows you to space out the steps of the main quest as seems realistic (e.g. NPCs taking some time for research), as well as control when (at which level) various quests will start. There are also a few other tweaks to be found, such as Meridia’s Beacon not responding to vampires, werewolves randomly attacking, and Thalmor ignoring you unless certain quest conditions are fulfilled, instead of attack squads simply triggering at a certain level. [link]

TK Dodge

Gives you the ability to quickly sideroll and dodge a blow. Makes light armors a lot more viable in close combat, and plays nicely with Mortal Enemies. [link]

Trade and Barter

A fantastic mod that adjusts prices, merchant gold, and other parameters around trading based on race, faction alliance, personal relationships, location, and more. Highly customizable, highly compatible, brilliant. [link]

TravelMounts

You need to have a horse in order to be able to fast travel. Offers more of a reason to drop that 1000 gold, and this small tweak makes it feel much more immersive (after all, a rider can outrun and avoid many things someone on foot can’t). [link]

Truly Absorb Dragon Souls

For every dragon you kill and dragon soul you absorb, you get just that little bit stronger, gain a little more magicka, health, stamina, movement speed, carry weight, shout cooldown, armor, and magic resist. Set the amount gained for each dragon soul on install; I recommend medium to low values for each gain, just to offer longevity. [link]

Understandable Draugrs

In the vein of “Dragon Wall Wisdom,” you can now understand the draugr when they yell at you in a fight. Just adds the English translation in parentheses to the end of the subtitled Dragon language dialogue. Now your Dragonborn will be able to understand what’s being constantly shouted at them, even if it isn’t anything particularly nice or uplifting. [link]

Wearable Lanterns

No need to constantly toggle between a torch and a shield, or fight blind in a dark ruin. Just hook a lantern to your belt, that can easily be toggled on and off (and also automatically put out when you sneak, if you’re That Sort™). Incredibly nifty and useful. [link]

---

...I’m sure I’ll be adding to this later. I’m sure, honestly. Maybe with an “optional tweaks” post, too, that are very much a preference thing. Or, y’know, just reblog myself. That might actually be the best option.

[dat-town]

No Speed Limit | Chapter 5

Summary: Some people live to race while others race to live. When an uptown girl’s and street racer’s worlds collide, their lives are bound to change. For the better or worse, it’s hard to tell. In-between rivalry and unwanted sparks, there’s definitely a bumpy road ahead (with no speed limit).

Words: 3.1k

Chapter index

Kim Hanbin wasn't one to complain.

Sure he didn't grow up in an ideal neighbourhood, his parents weren't rolemodels and life had threw him onto harsh concrete but he had dealt with it, he had gotten up. He endured the slaps and punches, he had come across every obstacle he had crossed and he had fought his way through if he had to. He knew it would have been in vain to wish for a better, shinier life, no,  he didn't want to be a charity case or someone to pity. Instead he gave his blood and sweat to make a name for himself. He wasn't one to give up either.

But Jeon Soyeon made him reconsider.

Oh no it wasn't that bad, nothing too brutal and he wasn't sure which of her doings chased her earlier drivers away. She didn't complain endlessly, nor tried to do her makeup in the car yelling at him to drive slower, in fact she hadn't criticized his driving style at all but she didn't make his life easier either. However, instead of behaving annoyingly and almighty like a typical Gangnam girl the reasons rather laid in different aspects.

It was the way she dressed, her style balancing on the fine line between tomboy-ish and girly. She most often wore comfortable, loose clothing paired with a skirt or shorts in the summer heat. Hanbin couldn't not notice how nice and smooth her legs were and he had caught himself staring multiple times while watching Soyeon exiting the car. It was in the smiles too, those secret ones she had hidden in the corner of her mouth while she was texting with someone or those suppressed ones whenever she found something funny, for example when he quickly changed radio station when a cringeworthy Twice song came up just to find an equally lovey-dovey boy group song on a different station. It was in the glint of her ebony eyes whenever she held his gaze through the rear mirror, those dark pits were rather cold on most days but sometimes he could catch the fire in them. Be it after an argument with her brother, being annoyed or even passionate about something, it was there. What's more, it was in the confidence she walked and in the pride that made her chin held up high.

It all prickled his skin.

He could feel that something in his lower abdomen crawling its way upwards waiting for him to just break and snap. It's not like she was doing these things on purpose, at least Hanbin doubted she was that sneaky. Still, he found her more and more attractive each day and in his weakest moments, he wished he didn't waste the chance he got all those weeks ago.

But the day when he really changed his mind about her being just another rich girl ungratefully dissatisfied with her life was supposed to be like any other. He was driving her home from her best friend's home when the car started to give out rattling sounds whenever he accelerated. The engine had been emitting an annoying ticking sound ever since morning but Hanbin didn't have time to check on it. He thought it would be fine to do after he finished with work but with the sound getting louder he didn't want to risk a malfunction. So he pulled down the road and undoing his seatbelt he made a move to get out but Soyeon's voice stopped him in mid-actions.

“Is there something wrong?” she asked with eyes boring into his through the mirror.

“I will handle it,” Hanbin simply dismissed her question. What would a girl like her know about cars anyway? It's not like telling her about the chance of the engine being blown could help at all, most likely it would freak her out.

With that, the guy got out of the car and opened the hood to check on the engine. The first thing he noticed was the nose-itching oil smell and he quickly registered the open oil cap. Nothing else seemed off which didn't explain the weird sounds but he closed the cap, shut the hood and sit back into the vehicle. He barely started the engine again, went forward 10 meters, the rattling sound was back. Sighing he stepped on the brake again and got out. This time he took off his stupid, fancy jacket throwing it onto the passenger seat and rolled up the sleeves of his shirt underneath. Working in a car repair shop and fixing up his own baby taught him a lot of mechanical things, so he had quite some idea what can be the problem, but he knew it would be a quite slow process if he kept going back and forth, so putting his pride aside he leant back into the car.

“Miss Jeon...”

The name always tasted foreign on his lips but Soyeon had never said anything about being annoyed of his formality and this was what his job required, so he stuck to it whenever he couldn't avoid talking to the girl. At her name, she looked up with her mouth in an unimpressed, firm line and crooked a brow questioningly.

“Would you help me with the car? Just starting the engine, nothing more,” he explained and didn't know what he expected. For her to be offended by the mere thought of doing the dirty work? Being absolutely laic about cars? Whatever it was, he certainly didn't expect to see pleasant surprise and a bit of pride flashing in her caramell orbs.

She wordlessly got out of the car not even waiting for him to open the door and sat in the driver's seat with practiced movements.

“Okay, now start it,” the oil cap popped off again and the pistons barely started moving but the sound was there. “Stop.”

He leaned down not minding getting his hands dirty as he tightened a few components, fixing up anything that looked just a bit off. They kept going back and forth, starting the engine, stopping, fixing but it seemed pretty useless and Hanbin was getting annoyed. Damn, he must have missed something obvious. Surprisingly Soyeon wasn't whining like a lot of busy, rich girl would have done and she didn't left either to catch a taxi home.

“Have you checked the rings?” she leaned out of the front window when still nothing changed after long minutes of trying.

“Of course I checked the-” Hanbin snapped but froze in mid-sentence when he realized he haven't tightened the ones on the cylinder's sides, just the ones on the end of pistons. So he did that now and voilá, the crackling sound ended. Huh, so she knows something about the cars. Honestly, the driver would have never guessed or was he only being judgemental?

“Nice catch,” he cleared his throat after he closed the hood of the car. He wiped his oily hands clean in a cloth from the glove compartment and they both went back to their original places without saying another word. Hanbin didn't bother putting the jacket back on and only when he looked back in the mirror he saw the faint blush on Soyeon's cheeks. Good thing he wasn't the only one affected then.

The rest of the ride was pretty uneventful. When he pulled up in the driveway and went around the car to open the door for the girl, instead of walking away without saying anything, he spoke up.

“Have a nice evening, Miss Jeon,” he bowed respectfully, painfully aware of the watching eyes through the cameras. The change in his behaviour didn't go unnoticed by the girl either who mumbled something under her breath.

“Pardon?” Hanbin blinked, waiting for her to turn around and say it to his face. She looked over her shoulder, coal black hair falling on her back like a curtain. Her eyes were like onyx, dark and mysterious but there it was, the fire in them that made his breathing a little more difficult.

“Call me by my name when my parents aren't around,” she said firmly, leaving no place for objections. It was the tone of an arrogant Gangnam girl and yet, it didn't annoy Hanbin.

“Okay,” he nodded slowly and licking his lower lip he already played with the taste of her name on his lips rather than the usual formal greeting. “See you tomorrow, Soyeon.”

Driving Soyeon around after that didn't become easier. In fact, it had only brought more difficulties. It was harder to say no to the urge to look back at her. But that would have been plain stupid. He needed this job, he needed the money and there were some boundaries coming with it despite their past… or especially because of that. It was better if he kept his distance. But she really, really didn't make it easy to keep his composure.

When Hanbin checked Friday's schedule and saw that the girl would be celebrating her birthday with friends, he knew that was gonna be a long day. But working overtime meant double pay, so he didn't complain. Not even when beside Soyeon two chatty girls got into the car in the evening. All three of them wore pretty daring clothes but Hanbin's eyes caught on Soyeon the most. She wore a flannel skirt with a dark crop top and a leather jacket thrown over one shoulder. She looked like she had the time of her life laughing along with her friends who requested to be driven to Shine, one of the most famous clubs in Gangnam.

“You haven't told us your new driver is so hot,” the ginger one of the unfamiliar girls whispered shamelessly scanning Hanbin's features in the rear mirror while the other one gasped.

“He can hear you, Soojin,” she warned her friend who apparently didn't seem to care because she just shrugged. But much to Hanbin's pleasure they quickly changed topic as they started talking about this or that celebrity visiting this certain club and they were guessing their chances of meeting them. The guy behind the wheel needed a lot of power in him not to roll his eyes.

“We're here,” he exclaimed once he parked not far from the neon lights of the place and the girls got out one by one leaving Soyeon last.

“Hey, it's gonna take a while so… I don't know, make yourself busy or nap, I will text you when I wanna leave,” she turned around before getting dragged away by her friends who yelled 'birthday girl' all over the streets.

Hanbin was actually relieved when he was finally left alone in silence and he had to admit that a nap sounded very tempting but in such a lively area, during the busiest time of a Friday night, he couldn't really, so instead he was texting with his friends and scrolling mindlessly on his phone, even playing a few sudoku game out of sheer boredom. Time ticked by painfully slowly, each minute felt like a little infinity and everyone somebody left the club, his head snapped up expecting to see the girls leave.

It was well past 2AM when he finally recognized the wild red-haired girl supported by another as they were walking down the street.

“Hey!” he yelled at them rolling down the windows but the two girls didn't stop. So he had no choice but to get out of the car quickly and run to catch up with them. He could tell it from far too but neither of the two was Soyeon. But at least she wasn't the totally drunk one. “Hey… where's Soyeon?”

At his question and sudden presence the girls froze.

“Um… I thought she left already. We lost her on the dancefloor and she didn't answer when I texted her that I will take Soojin home,” the brown haired-girl, Miyeon if Hanbin remembered correctly, looked up and explained only to be interrupted by the very drunk Soojin.

“'n whatcha doing, handsome?” she giggled when she noticed that they stopped in the middle of the street.

“Shit, I didn't want to leave her there. I...” the partly sober girl seemed conflicted as she looked down at the other one gripping on her arm. She was obviously thinking about going back but Hanbin didn't want to trouble her further.

“Don't worry, I will get her out. Take care of your friend and leave Soyeon to me.”

“Thanks,” Miyeon nodded to him with a tired but grateful smile and the two girls got into the first taxi they could catch.

Hanbin wasn't sure it was part of his chauffeur tasks to make sure the birthday girl didn't get in trouble in the club but not doing anything would have gone against his moral sense.

“I didn't sign up for this,” he muttered and with a deep sigh he walked towards the club's entrance.

Of course he had to pay an entrance fee about the quarter of his monthly payment but at least it was the Jeon's credit card this time. The club itself was even flashier, larger and more chaotic inside than he would have thought from the outside, so he had to look closely to find Soyeon under the artificially dim lights. Around him there was a mass of people grinding on each other, making out on the couches or flirting shamelessly at the bar. Sure the decorations were fancier but the people here were doing the same things his circle of people did on the streets for free. So if paying an arm and leg for it wasn't being a snob, then nothing else could have compared.

“That's it, baby, show them what you got!” A man hollered by the bar and Hanbin automatically turned around at the harsh voice. He scanned the area, his gaze running through the girl's figure who danced on the top of a table quite seductively but he moved on without a second thought. He actually needed a moment for the realization to hit and his jaw literally dropped when looking back he recognized Soyeon in the girl. She had left her jacket somewhere else but it was unmistakably her, so Hanbin elbowed his way through the crowd to get to her and her audience.

“Soyeon,” he called out her name loudly when he reached the table and he was actually surprised that the girl's head snapped to him immediately. A beautiful, loose smile spreaded on her mouth as he reached out her hand.

“Hey Mr. Cold and Mysterious Guy, wanna dance?” she crooked an eyebrow challengingly. She was obviously drunk, her tone and the lack of focus in her eyes were all telltale signs of her high state. When she realized he wasn't gonna climb up to the table (they wouldn't have fit anyway), she jumped to the ground but as she lost her balance, it was only Hanbin's grip on her arm that kept her up.

“No, not really. We are leaving. Now,” he stated clearly and firmly trying not to get affected, not now, from the way Soyeon clinged onto him, fingers curling around his collar, hot breath fanning his throat. She looked mesmerizing even now with sweat drops rolling down on her beautiful tanned skin and with wide, blown eyes.

“What a buzzkill! Let the girl have her fun. Don't you see we were enjoying ourselves? Who are you to her anyway? Her boyfriend?” One of the guys from around stood up, annoyed that the show got cut off and he grabbed Soyeon's elbow pulling her towards him.

“And if I was, would you take your filthy hands off of her?” Hanbin scoffed and swatted away the guy's hand, sneaking his onto the girl's cheek, cupping it gently.

“Soyeon… I will take you home, okay?” he was trying to make the girl look at him but she kept dozing off as if she just lost all her energy suddenly. But at last she wasn't trying to protest.

“Okay,” she nodded and turned around to wave to the others more enthusiastically than she should have. “Bye, guys.”

Maneuvering with Soyeon on one arms and getting out of the club as quickly as possible was another challenge but when they were finally at the car, Hanbin let out a relieved sigh. He had no idea the hardest part was still coming with helping Soyeon in the car. She had a bit of coordination problem, so he helped her get seated without bumping into anything. When he was trying to pull back after fastening the seat belt he was stopped midway by the girl grabbing on his neck tie. Their faces were barely centimeters apart and Hanbin's breath hitched in his throat at the realization. He could see every mole, every eyelash clearly up this close and he couldn't not notice how Soyeon's hazy eyes focused on one thing only: his lips.

“Do you know you touched me for the first time today?” she whispered sad and melancholic, yearning lacing her delicate voice. “You should touch me more. I like it.”

The confession was so straightforward, so sudden that Hanbin tore his hands away from her waist and shoulder as if she burnt him. However, the lack of contact seemed to dishearten the girl as her fingers slid off his neck tie. Only then he could breathe again.

“Am I really that unattractive to you? Are you disgusted by me?” she mumbled and even her voice changed with the unshed tears. Turning her head away and closing her eyes her trembling hands curled into the material of her skirt, and the sight made Hanbin's heart ache. It was almost unimaginable for him that a hot girl like her could think that.

Now that he had held her close he realized he also yearned to touch but right now she was under the influence of alcohol, proving her wrong would have been wrong on so many levels. He had no plans of taking advantage of her, especially not in such a vulnerable state.

“No. It's not about that,” he shook his head but as Soyeon's head fell forward, he doubted she heard him on the margin of dreamland. He gently adjusted her head on the seat and brushed some messy lock behind her ear, careful not to wake her up. Under the silver light of the moon, listening to her even breathing and the loud thumps of his own heartbeat, it was a moment like no other.

Before driving her home, he said one last thing not caring if they got lost in the wind and the moon kept his wish as a secret.

“Happy birthday, Soyeon,” he whispered.

[sole-cuore-amore-e-droga]

Tel Aviv 2019: Straight outta Estonia to Eurovision with a lowkey tribute to Avicii soundwise I guess

I’m not one of those people to go all their way out to overdefend Eesti Laul as “THE most diverse NF to ever exist songwise”, but even I was disappointed in this sudden rush of radiofriendly pop music that I would rather refuse to describe if I had to endure any of them ever again all at once this year. Remember - Netta won with being CRAZY! Why can’t Estonia be CRAZY even more! Was this secretly a bigger demand from the new producers or so that Estonia would need to out-radiofriendly the Latvians whose goal actually was to find a good radiofriendly song that’s enough for qualification????

Also, I kind of wanted to watch Eesti Laul, but I haven’t really settled with it, as I didn’t have enough patience to watch it one time it wasn’t on Saturday (!!). Even with Eesti Laul usually taking the live tweets from foreign fans into account and displaying some of them on the national Estonian television for good measure. And often showcasing their weirdness through crude animations every so often. But I already saw my Twitter timeline being full of that stuff, and for that I’m happy.

I did have some favourites despite being tired of all this pop stuff, and one of them was the ever-so-gender-ambiguous INGER (I say so cuz I thought it was a guy, turns out it’s a she, yeah), and I kind of wanted to see her win after the lowkey last minute interest towards her? But the televote didn’t seem to want any of it during the final public say, and didn’t even want Kerli (not the Spirit Animal Kerli) through despite of her being “hot” (are we now choosing ESC NF winners based on their looks??? tighten up ffs). Instead the final’s televote thought it’d be a good idea to fuck up the international jury’s expectations by putting through an act that got 2(!!!!!) finalised points from them jurors overall and making it win the superfinal. That televote 12 the act got beforehand was just enough for the guy to last-minute qualify over another act of 14 overall points, and who knows, maybe if it wasn’t for that 12, the winner would’ve been someone else. But it didn’t and we have a last minute qualifier victory because televote superfinal is a thing.

And in the literal sense of the way Estonian minds thought their victor that was unfairly treated by the juries was a Swedish singer Victor Crone and his song “Storm”, which was written by the one and only Stig Rastafarian~ err I mean Rästa. Stig is one mythical human creature that never rests a minute without really wanting to appear in the Estonian delegation somewhere every year - whether as all by himself, with someone else, as a songwriter for someone else, or even as part of a band (remember Traffic, anyone? Now that I think of it, the whole band looks like a puppet-act just for Stig to get to Eurovision and the other band members didn’t even want any of it in the first place). Just exactly what is Stig’s aim here? To "take it back to Tallinn”? To meet new people in Europe because he’s too lazy to travel otherwise? To boast about the many Estonian entries he contributed to? Beats me.

That and Victor Crone being Swedish, therefore a man more suited to Melodifestivalen (where he actually once participated in) and only on Eesti Laul because Stig really wanted to save his voice for this one and tag some randomer along with him just for the sake of yearly input to Eesti Laul. Well, at least Victor is historically joining Sahlene and Sandra Oxenryd as “a Swede represending Estonia for a year because what do we know for the Estonians that weren’t chosen instead”. Let’s check his song out.

First and foremost, as the title obviously states, the song reminds me of the late Avicii’s music style, especially around 2012-2013, when he was just starting to get bigger post-”Levels”-release. Just with a bit more singing surrounding the song because... well, maybe to fill up the song some more in order to not look awkward on stage during an instrumental part of the drop being as long as would be one you hear on the radio.

Then he has this easy-listening generic male radio voice that the audiences can not necessarily reasonate with, but it’s memorable, together with the chorus, whose purpose is to be memorable - you don’t need no message that’s special, you just need a melody to hum in your head for the next few weeks, and that’s basically what Stig was able to achieve with this little ditty. Then there’s the amazingly easy song structure: verse - chorus - verse - (extended) chorus - bridge - chorus (+ song ending). That’s a structure that works on basic songs to make them more user-consumption-friendly and not too overbearingly dragged out. And I enjoy it, just like I did “Light Me Up” last year, which was also sung by a mediocre-live-vocalist-Swede that could have easily ended up 6th in Melodifestivalen edition with such song, sadly. I do acknowledge that it’s basic, but I enjoy it.

The problem the Eurofandom finds with this song is that it’s too basic of a song from Eesti, Victor’s proven himself to be a dull live singer, and the chorus rhymes “like this” with “like this”, and all the self-rhymes are automatically shite. And it’s fine if a song I like has its flaws, but it automatically worries me that its live potential is automatically down the drain because of the singer’s lack of vocal compassion or strenght. That begs the question, why choosing THAT kind of song if it’s totally going to underperform live in Eurovision if the singer wasn’t sick in the NF at the time???

...oh I get it now, you Estonians must have thought Stig deserves another year in the Estonian greenroom. Or you found Victor hot. Or you find it great that a song about a storm actually was originally staged to look like Victor’s in a storm. At least for the televiewers’ eye. Because all that they see in the real arenas is the singers’ backs if they don’t turn around in time.

With visuals like these, why even need a music video! (except that there already is one, look at the beginning of the review)

All in all, all condiments are there: just the sugar, spice and everything nice there’s needed for a song like this to break a fandom like this. You can practically smell the Hesburger grease from this song. I don’t care if that’s a bad thing - if you like the song, that’s fine, just shut up and enjoy... but if you dislike it, welp, there’s no way I can change your mind then.

And a random backing singer. Not that she’s helpful as the one for Ott Lepland or anything, she just strikes like thunder and leaves no lasting impact whatsoever.

Greta Salóme’s imaginary cousin, is that you????

Now excuse me while I contradict and repeat myself some more in the next few paragraphs:

Approval factor: As you might have seen me shading Elina a lot last year, I can safely say that at last I’m spared from her vocal practice entrapped in a porcelain-and-silk dressing!!! I like “Storm” myself so I’ll sheepishly approve the hell out of it, lolol. :-)

Follow-up factor: I would be lying if I didn’t say that after a risky-ish way to get all out opera and then coming back to a safe song after doing well with that opera number weren’t a complete nosedive into an empty pool. Subjectively it flows way better for me, but objectively, and the same could be, once again, said for Eesti Lawl [sic] 2019, it is rather interesting of a letdown? But hey, maybe it was finally time for the Estonians to chillax a bit and cave in to send an Estonian-Swedish pop number after the opera stuff, after the 80s synthpop stuff, after the smooth and slightly orchestrated and a little bluesy number, and heart-grabbing ballads... just so they could keep up their ‘variety’ in case Hungary runs out of ideas and starts sending cop-outs of themselves. They already did it with rehashing one artist and one lyrical idea already this year (the catch is that the father’s alive!), honestly. And oddly enough, they have yet to send something a little more modern/electro-influenced that appeals to the common crowd... (”Running” may not count because not everyone can relate, whereas there are more cases of broken-off love (as if in the other half being a heartbreaker or the first half missing the other half so much that they feel “incomplete” than abusive fathers. Just what I think there is? If I’m wrong I obviously expect to be @’ed in the replies section lol) For this conclusion though I’ll say that my opinion says it’s a ‘’’decent’’’ follow up, but for Eurofans, it’s not very much so of such, idk.

Qualification factor: you may think it’s dead while going to perform in between the more badass entries AND mediocre live vocals, but it won’t at least be the worst Stig entry to ever place - around 14th in the semi at the very worst and maybe in the lower half of top 10 at very best imo. Nothing more, nothing less.

NATIONAL FINAL BONUS

I actually barely even bother with Eesti Laul since they don’t accept my Twitter comments live on their television anyways. Say, were there any Twitter comments live on their television this year? No one on Twitter boasted about it if they saw theirs from what I’ve seen, but what I’ve definitely found from the eager Eesti Laul watchers were some casual and usual Estonian oddities thrown on the broadcast, such as:

• The soft and warm but also random and deranged yearly transitional postcard animations (that were refered to as “crude” earlier in this review), which I commonly know now as “my last two braincells”. Even if the graphical theme itself of this year’s Ee-Lawl were oddly-shaped birds coming out in forms of letters, they didn’t really show up much in the broadcast I suppose, and the best fuckery with my mind this year definitely happened when I saw some of THOSE pop up on my Twitter timeline:

We now return to your regularly scheduled news programm~ wait why are you saying that the scheduled programme should be Eesti Laul

• Even if the most acts themselves weren’t that kooky musically, they were obviously interesting performance-wise. We were greeted with an impulsively quirky crazy cat lady Kaia Tamm who bemoaned the absence of the fluffy creatures in German somehow (you know Germany’s a terrible track-record keeper when the only song in German this year featured on Estonia and the only German in Eurovision this year was gonna be sung by an Ukrainian entrant if she was alowed to), as if a song in full Italian from last year wasn’t enough. Not only did she dress up as Alice in Wonderland with kitty ears, but her costumed dancers were entertaining, the violinist was FIRE and a cute large teddy bear looked cute on stage. Not to mention, someone have rightfully noticed that some costumed felines in the audience looked like as if they were to kill someone:

• Lumevärv too is an interesting thing. Never forgetting Lumevärv. This Inga woman, the fiery orangehead she was, used her 3 minutes on stage the best possible way with dancing with her back turned on at the audience and only looking at the camera, while millions of lights (which is sadly not what the songtitle "Milline päev" means) shone in the audience, creating an amazing mood.

• Hey everyone, the 10 years challenge is back! This time it’s with the violin virtuousess(???) Sandra Nurmsalu, the lead of Urban Symphony, who deserved much more than a 3rd place. Unfortunately the Estonians did not bring her back to get her desired revenge, which meant that they thought that they woodn’t need no magic tale fairy that’d grant them tree wishes and let her magic wand our out the wondrous [sic] sawdust. I’m already seeing myself out for how terrible this sounded. And it’s a bit saddening about this not doing as well as some hoped, considering she would have brough out the new and the better Jacques Houdek teas:

• Other favourite act of mine from this year, besides the aforementioned “ever-so-gender-ambiguous-looking INGER” with her indie-folk jingle “Coming Home”, was the charming disco-haired Sissi Nylia Benita with a wholesomely radio bop “Strong”, and they both actually looked like they stood a chance in the superfinal vote-up now that the actual Eesti Laul fan favourites, pretty cute pop boys like piano-indie-pop-driven Stefan and electro-pop-and-Kirkorov-driven Uku Suviste, were not receiving enough support by the juries I guess??? I’ll show a video to INGER if anything and link you all to the rest so you could judge these young and beautiful souls to yourselves in a way!

• Other note-worthy acts include another song about the notorious instrument horsefly in Ee-Lawl’s history that stood even less chance than “Parmupillihullus” but is still fun regardless, and the united forces of Tanja (EE 2014) and Birgit (EE 2013) trying to compose a bigband talk show anthem and dedicating the lyrics for them being ladies with their high heels out on. And honestly, that’s all I’m gonna talk of acts-wise because most other songs were THAT of a radiofriendly-radio-filler that they don’t warrant anything else exciting for me to say.

• No but for real, the voting to the superfinal was completely off-rails. Instead of Victor, juries were there to support that Kerli woman that wasn’t from 2017 (and her soft acoustic song too), as well as Sissi and INGER (but you already know that because I barely read my write-ups before I finish them, hence lots of redundancy). At least that’s all to my knowledge. But everything definitely changed when the televote attacked! And turned the top 3 all male, lol. This voting was rather random simply because the juries didn’t really love Victor, but it definitely took the televote to convince them that “lol Victor is definitely worth of Eurovision!!! screw that he’s non-Estonian!!!” (the difference is that Victor doesn’t have a big social media following unlike Bilal and didn’t win an obnoxiously people-powered talent show unlike USNK from A Dal 2018 - it’s just that he’s more backed by Stig Rästa, and Stig is love, Stig is life.) Honestly, I am all up for unpredictable voting, but if it looks unpleasant to me, then I feel like tuning out.

We’re over with this write-up, thank-fuck-fully, so that you won’t need to hear me lamenting how supposedly cheap “Storm” is ever again. But before that I will have to leave you with some Eurovision 2019 facts coming on: Estonian delegation can be lucky for once - instead of having had to panic for spending an egregious amount of money for a staging detail, this year they don’t have to worry, as the organizers were so shook by Victor’s stormy sky effect, they offered to pay for it themselves!!! Crazy, huh??? (reported for favouritism)

And now I’m done. And we’re moving on to another review and I end up wishing Victor Crone the every best of luck out there. Storm out with a good time well spent! (Whatever that might mean.)

[palishere]

I hoppe you appreciate that i do these things...

I was tagged by the most deserving deeranged queen i am yet to meet. Her gaze so stern and powerful and her words make me tremble with a new set of urgency... i am in complete submission to her requests, even when i dont want to be... of course, i can only be talking about @deeranger

*-*-*-*-*

I never do these things...

Nickname: "Pal... They call me Pal..."

Zodiac: Libra. The scales of all that is lustful and smutty...

Height: 170cm ish... and not much taller...

Last movie I saw: Bohemian Rapsody. And it was brilliantly crafted and fantastically executed.

Last thing I googled: "Definition of Aesthetic" Sometimes. We do not know the simplist of things...

Favourite musician: i have such a large variety of musical interests...

Songs stuck in my head:i am currently listening to Blue Stahli- Ultranumb... for writing purposes.

Other blogs: Besides Deeranged Delights? Um... i really only joined Tumblr to be with her...

Do i get asks: I do not. And thats fine. I dont put myself out there on Tumblr- Im getting enough SPN spoilers as it is...

Following:Like threee people? If not less ..

Amount of sleep: on average? 6 hours.... except on the weekend which im only up for like 3...

Lucky number: 16. 3. 5. Because i associate them with my little RAHbots.

What i'm wearing: a black and grey uniform with loose fitting dark blue pants. I probably have Marvel underwe-No. TARDI underwear and the beige-est of beige bras.... accessories: 3 braclets, one brown leather with metal clasp and tiny pendant that reads: Rise. So i remember to stay above everything. One rainbow coloured fabric braclet that i fold and loop around my wrist until i can no longer feel it, the tiny pendant reading: "I wish for this" to remind myself to aim for what i truly wish for. And the third, black rope with a long metal plate tht reads: "Be the Clarence" so that i remember that it is kindness that will get me through this working day. -Oh. I also have a brown- CultureFly Supernatural sling bag, brown fabric with the Antipossesstion Tatoo symbol...

Dream job: Counseling. Or anything that involves helping people...

Dream trip:i was to travel to Paris, then Denmark... so i can meet my two very best friends... And try to sleep with both of them...

Favourite food:anything but seafood really? I dont think i will ever pass a medium-rare rump steak with Diane gravy... or roast lamb meal..

Play any instruments:I used to play the guitar.. but that didnt really stick...

Random facts: i- err... i love boxes? I'm named after both of my parents. When im on my own i like to imagine i have giant black wings...(kind of like in Maleificent...) and that i am an angel... There- you officially know too much about me now...

Describe yourself as aesthetic things: "Describe myself as beauitful objects..." while im wearing unflattering clothes with unbrushed hair. Phew, we do like a challenge... Okay. I am a breath of fresh air, like waking up to the smell of bacon and eggs until you realise that is just a dream and you only have Jam. I am poetry being read by Misha Collins. Im a long bus ride in a beautiful city to an eight hour working day on a Friday morning. I am that feeling when you want to sneeze but don't. I am the theory that you dread in school. An album with the same song, played on repeat for hours and hours. Im closed, like a lock with a lost and forgotten key. I dont pretend to be any better than i already know i am. I am spring, hayfever and all. Somedays, im the angelic warrior and others a wounded soldier, begging for the unconscious pain to swallow me. I have been the calm, warm bath with a floating, scented bathbomb and the constant screaming in your own mind as anxiety and panic scorch through your veins. An open book that you're too afraid to read, because you might not like what's there. I am everything. The good and the bad.

I tag nobody... because i'm only here for one peraon anyway...

[ninjagoruinedmylife]

Ninjago shadowhunters au: chapter 1

Hiiiii and welcome to my kitchen have here first chapter of my veeeery long fic for au i made a few days ago. I hope you'll enjoy! *** Lloyd Garmadon had currently only three problems: lack of money for comics, math and his best friend Brad. Not that he was complaining, though; his mother taught him that he should always look at the bright side of life. There were so many people with such bad things happening to them all the time, like Nelson, second one of his two friends: he constantly had problems with health. Or Gene, the other boy from his school: his parents were putting a big presure over him, to the point where they had big arguments. And even Brad: there were moments when he didn't got money for even the most basic products. Garmadon's little family, consisting of Lloyd and his mother, was in much better situation. Misako's salary wasn't the biggest one (she worked as a toruist guide in the museum, after all), her husband died in the war, they were living in a little apartament in one of the poor parts of the city... Still, they had each other. Lloyd was happy with his life in all honesty. He just couldn't help but also feel a bit irritated sometimes. Like today, when everything seemed to be against him. Math test was so hard that he won't get anything above F, he lost twenty dollars while chasing his bus, and now Brad just needed to get him to some kind of club he wanted to check out. "Hello, earth to Lloyd? Man, we're losing connection with you!" Brad tried to yell over the loud music from the building and bring his friend back to senses at the same time. Lloyd sighed. He was so tired of this day and just wanted to sleep. But well, friends are friends. "Tell me again, what did you promised me in exchange?" Boy asked while they were standing in a short queue to the entrance. "Uh, that I'll give you my collection of Spiderman comics?" "Okay, fair enough." Brad grinned evily. "As you might or might not remember, my collection consist of one volume..." "I hate you. It's not fair." Lloyd murmed, hiding his head in his hoodie. He looked up, at the bright purple neon sign hanging above the door. The letters formed a word 'Pandemonium'. "And what kind of name for a club is that one? I don't get why you wanted to come here so much..." "Come on, it will be fun! You need to socialize more." Brad replied. He grabbed his friend by his arm and pulled him through the entrance. "Just chill and breathe in the atmosphere." The only thing Lloyd could have breathed in when he walked inside was a cigarette smoke. He started coughing. Brad patted his back. When his throat finally started working normally, boys returned to exploring this place: Brad with an excitement written on his face, and Lloyd with a posture that was yelling "I don't care about this place or any of you." Music in the club was strange. It reminded music from radio, but in the same time it felt kinda different, more heavy and dark. This whole place smelled like a mix of two thousand botttles of cheap perfumes, sweat and alcohol. Lloyd looked at the people surrounding them. Most were dressed very party-ish, like a big percent teenagers would if they were going out, some were rather elegant, and the rest wore simple, casual clothes. Even though he wasn't so outstanding in his normal, green hoodie and black jeans, he felt so out of place that he wanted to dissapear. When it comes to dissapearing. Brad vanished while Lloyd stopped paying attention to him. At first, blonde boy had a nervous thought that something bad might have happened to his friend, but after a few seconds he saw his figure through the jumping, dancing people and calmed down. 'Great, now he left me. Such a good friend.' He walked to the other room. It was separated by the partition wall and, what's more important, it was less crowded and less noisy. Six tables were standing next to walls, vis á vis of the boy there was a pair of door with a sign saying "stuff only." A couple of guests were dancing at the shining dance floor, but most of them just talked, watched others or ate something. Pretty girl in a long silver dress and boy with a messy dark hair tried to convince some punks to dance, nerd in the corner was doing something on his laptop, two guys were glaring at each other like if they had an argument... Lloyd guessed he fit there, with all those weirdos, better than to the other part of the club. He decided that he'll wait here until Brad will get bored of dancing, and then they'll go home and watch some cartoons. However, he changed his mind when he saw a blade in the pretty girl's hand. *** This girl's name was Nya Smith and she was both frustrated and thrilled for a whole day, just as the rest of her team. Maybe a half hour before Lloyd Garmadon saw her in a little bit of not so fortunate situation, she sat next to the boy with a messy hair at the same table nerd had taken before. "For the God's sake, we're in this place for five hours and we haven't noticed nothing unusual!" Nya hissed to her brother, Kai. He shrugged. "Well, sensors are mostly right. And Zane is also mostly right." He winked at their friend, who was looking with a frown once at the monitor of his laptop, and then at the black object in his hand. "My apologies, but I really get strong demon vibes from this place. I wouldn't be suprised if it was the place of their meeting." Zane replied with his usual, serious tone. "Okay, Zane, I don't have anything against you." Girl sighned. "I'm just pissed of because I have to wear heels and makeup! You all know I hate it." "You're right, sis. Who decided that it has to be us again, anyway?" Kai neatened collar of his black suit. "Looking perfect all the time is tiring." "I understand, but in the same time you two are the most appealing from the whole team, when it comes to the terms of physical appearance, of course..." Zane started to explain. "Uh. One more time, please. I don't get your whole science talk after such a long mission." Kai interrupted him. "I guess Zane just said you're handsome, my gentleman!" Another guy who joined them said with a melodious voice. He had curly, brown hair, freckles and he was wearing clothes that were seemingly way to big for him. "And you, my gentleman, are spilling your drink over my favourite hoodie." His companion added while sitting next to him. "Hey, it is Zane's fault! He pulled my hand! I'm innocent!" Jay raised his hands in a defensive way. Cole gave him a deadly look. "You've spilled even more now. You are going to wash it..." "Calm down lovebirds, move those arguments for another time." Nya hit the table with her fist to get her teammates attention. "I guess we should think about the purpose of this mission. I'm not sure..." In this moment, a red necklace on girl's neck started shining. They all knew what it meant - beside Jay, as always. He was still spilling his drink. "Hm?" He gave the others suprised look. "Somebody died or what? Why are you so quiet now?" "Nobody died." Zane informed him calmly. "But it doesn't mean that someone can't die in the spin of few minutes!" Kai got up quickly. "Everyone on positions, now." When they were going back to their place, Jay asked Cole with a trembling voice: "Does it mean..." "Yes. The demon is coming." Cole answerd without a shade of fear on his face. "Get ready for your fourth one, newbie." *** It all happened so fast that Lloyd didn't know on what he should focus. First thing: nerd closed his laptop and left it on the table. He came to the stuff door, took a long white stick and then the door opened and he dissapeared in the darkness. Second thing: one of the punks, guy with a green mohawk and piercing all over his face, was having a slow dance with this suspicious girl - that was when her bracelet changed into some kind of a weapon. Third thing: two boys who probably had fight before, also walked into the stuff room. One of them granted a look to the guy in a suit, who was sitting at one of the tables with most of the punks. Fourth thing: girl grabbed punk's hand and, with a smirk on her face, she came to - suprise! - stuff room. It all looked... too well planned to be just a coincidence. Lloyd was sure that he should just go and talk to the guards that something strange is happening, but then fifth thing took place: punks started yelling at each other and jumping at each others throats. They were so loud that they nearly screamed over the music. Lloyd frowned. What was happening? He would be able to just find Brad and go out of the club, but in the same time... He had to find out what was this all about. His willingness to do so only grew when he saw boy with messy hair, sneaking out of the group. Lloyd tried to use all of his skills and followed him to the staff room. Luckily, he didn't locked the door, so boy as fragile as young Garmadon could have walked through the crack. He hid behind a tall shelf and started listening. "You didn't tought that it would be this easy, didn't ya?" "I-I don't know what are you talking about! What-" "You are fully aware of your situation, demon." "A demon? Do you mean... No! I'm normal, very normal!" "Don't try to fool around. We know who we are." The sound of taking out the weapons froze blood in Lloyd's veins. "Wait! I have... informations to sell! Many informations! About Garmadon! You want to know more about him, right?!" "Oh, can we shut him up already?" Boy's mind was working like crazy. Were those teenagers going to kill this poor person? Why would they? Personal damage? No, it didn't sounded like this. More like if they were a part of some kind of gang or cult... And, after all, what did it had to do with someone with the same surname as his? Lloyd was ready to get out and somehow stop them. He couldn't let this happen, dammit! If someone died next to him and he did nothing, he wouldn't forgive himself. "Wait!" He yelled, getting eyes of everyone in the room at him. When he looked at the scene that took place there, he had to take a step aside. Those guys were surely gonna kill someone - but this someone wasn't a human by any chance. More like a monster of some kind, like a wicked creature from one of his comics. It looked like a zombie now, but a zombie with claws, sharp, long teeth, tail and dead, black eyes. It took the moment of the shock its opponents were in and attacked. Someone screamed. Lloyd covered his eyes. He heard grinding of the blades, unhuman voice was yelling in a cracked tone, strange liquid flew at his hand - was it blood? - and then, after the explosion of the bright light and scream of a dying creature, it all ended. Lloyd took some unsure steps in a direction of the teenagers. Two of them were wounded, one was drawing something on their skins, girl was cleaning her blade... Boy in a suit looked at him. "Hm, guys? I think we have a little problem."