#anyway yeah this was my first time drawing with photoshop. no fucking clue what i was doing. imagine me screaming crying dying etc

[dorkicon]

just went to space...um...theres gay peopel in there....

[mcrmadness]

Madness draws: Behind the Scenes of the latest Farin&Bela pencil drawing.

Aka the one that’s also my icon, even when that was a big risk to take because normally I start hating the photos I have once drawn, especially if I have failed miserably. This is how the drawing itself turned out:

ATTENTION: The original post about that drawing, with better image, behind this link.

This post is solely about the process itself with lots of pictures and also plenty of gifs, because I promised to do one if people would like to see that and I got some comments saying that they’re looking forward for that. So, here’s now that post!

For starters I have to apologize for the terrible quality that is the photos. I used my phone camera only and never thought about posting them, I just took them as a reference for myself and to show the progress to a friend and only after finishing the drawing I noticed that the angle of the camera causes a huge impact on the perspective of the drawing, so I sometimes might have done useless work when I thought some perspective was wrong when it was actually the photo that was wrong and not my work! I mean, take a look at these photos of the finished piece:

You see that? I realized this when I took maybe the second photo of the Farin sheet and looked at it and couldn’t believe my eyes because I didn’t remember drawing his torsto THAT small! And then I looked at the drawing and was like “wtf???” because it looked nothing like in the photo and then it hit me...

Also, another thing that I learn was that I might need to pay more attention to the perspective of the whole thing also because when I draw, I sit at the table so I am constantly seeing the drawing from my perspective instead of looking at it from above so that’s probably also going to affect the way I draw. I try to keep that in mind in the future so I can avoid redrawing things again and again just because my perspective is different than the reference photo’s.

Also the giant forehead of Farin’s in the photo on the right might have caused me to laugh a bit too much but anyway, let’s continue~ Or more like: let’s start for real this time.

Here’s the reference photo to y’all:

What I did in photoshop was to draw a line between them to see how I can divide the photo on two A4 papers. I had been thinking about this photo for some time already because it’s one of my favorites (but now I just feel cringy looking at it after I have drawn it... goddamnit!), and I got this idea that I could try drawing it on two papers in case I fuck up so I can start over or try again without having to do twice the work! Which was actually a good decision because this was the first version of Farin:

And it was awful. I also realized I had never drawn Farin’s face from he front. I have drawn him before from the side a few times but maybe once it came out actually good so that was why I decided to do the 2 paper method - because I knew it was not going to be an easy job! Bela is relatively easy to draw so I knew already that I would not have too many problems with that one.

I struggled with Farin’s eyes the most, at first.

It took me a while to figure out how to do that white line in his lower lid. Keep in mind that this was my first face portrait in over 10 years so I was very, very rusty and I just didn’t remember how to draw like anything anymore. (The photo is tilted because Bela’s face is a bit tilted and my hand can’t draw anything that is not straight [lol] so I have to rotate the photo in order to even draw the sketch of Bela’s eyes.)

So I took my sketchbook and tried to do some eyes...

I was still struggling so much here until I remembered about blending. And I didn’t have my hopes high but grabbed the eyeshadow applicators (my fave tool for blending) anyway, and switched to my other sketchbook in case the paper was the issue and:

Blending. It was all about blending! So with that in mind, I realized I can continue and I don’t need to do these in my old way, everything doesn’t have to have a lineart done but some of the job is done not with the pencils but with the eraser.

Anyhow, the previous Farin looked really bad and was too big as well so I just discarded that and started a new sheet because the old lines were not coming off properly anymore. I don’t remember if this is the old face or new but I think this might still be the old one:

Yes it definitely is the old because look at those lines! This is the new sheet:

And in the photo you can see one of my pencils - I use Derwent Graphic pencils, it’s a 12 pencil set with very soft pencils, starting with H, F and HB and ending to 9B. With this one I used F, HB, B, 2B, 5B, 7B and 9B. The white pencil is actually my new love aka the eraser pencil Koh-I-Noor Hardmuth. It’s amazing, I recommend! I just didn’t order 10 new ones this other day. I actually used about 1,5 full eraser pencils on this drawing alone so that’s why 10.

Here’s a “little” gif of the process on Farin:

I felt crazy when I went for the shirt, and I felt like I was going crazy MEANWHILE drawing it but in the end I did it and I’m super proud of it!

Below is the reference photo, it was pain in the ass to follow all those lines with my eyes and try to find what was I drawing and where was I but I think I did good. That was a fun challenge.

Okay so, when I was done with the new lineart, I decided to go for the shading and blending because that’s what really makes the drawings to pop. I started with the left (his right, my left) side of Farin’s face because I’m right-handed, and in the first photo I had done just the left (right) eye and mouth and nose, but in the second there’s also the other eye done already:

Keep in mind this was not the last time I drew the eyes. Not even close.

Something was off with the right (left) eye so I had to do that one again and I noticed that when you blend but haven’t erased and cleaned it yet, it looks like a black eye :DDD So here’s the before and after images of that cleaning. (Cleaning = I draw, blend, erase, draw and blend more when needed and then erase again, and repeat this as many times as I need until it starts to look ready to my eye.)

So here Farin was “finished” but if you still remember the final piece or compare it to it, you might notice it looks quite different. And you’re right. But more about that later, because at this point I started to work on Bela.

It actually started really well - I also had to do the whole lineart again because it did not match the size of “finished” Farin. I don’t remember if this is the first or second eye but when I had drawn his eye for the first time, I noticed it was not in line with Farin so I had to redraw it. A gif of the progress:

What’s that brown paper I’m using, you may ask? Well I noticed that people have some sort of paper on top of their art to keep it from smudging and I have no clue what that is so here’s my poor artist recommendation: baking paper! I tested it and it works (if you just remember to keep it under your hand, that is...) so that is, in fact, baking paper! :DD

I have drawn Bela’s face a few times before and he’s just so much easier to draw. In fact I used 4-5 days on Farin but I managed to start and finish (this version of) Bela just in one day. And that means that out of 12 hours (because I literally used the whole day for drawing) I used maybe like... 5h or something on Bela. That’s how much easier he really is to draw.

I don’t know wtf is wrong with Farin’s face but he’s extremely difficult to draw and I’m not the only one who has been saying this. I guess he just looks so regular but still unique enough to be difficult to draw. Bela then again has features that are very unique and very... caricature-like? I mean that just by drawing his nose or chin you can make a comic book Bela look exactly like himself, and with more realistic style his eyes already do a lot, but Farin’s really the opposite. My comic book version of Farin is literally the most basic version I can draw, it’s how I draw those characters and the only thing that makes him look himself is the hair, and his nose in a side profile. So I think that’s why it’s so difficult to draw him because he doesn’t look too regular but still regular enough to make is a very challenging task to do properly.

So yeah, the same day as I started working on Bela, I was also “finished” with the drawing:

Also look at how different it looks like from this perspective:

With the reference photo open in photoshop and I don’t understand how Bela looks more like himself in my drawing than in the photo. Also when I showed the WIP to my brother, he said that I somehow had succeeded at making Farin look more like Farin than what he does in the photo even. It’s weird.

But we were still far from finished. I was going to use the fixative on this soon but it just kept snowing the whole week so I couldn’t so every time I walked past the drawings, I stopped to fix this and that. For days I kept telling myself “I’m done, I can’t do more than this, I can’t do better than this.” and considered the drawing finished but still kept fixing things. Every time I was “done” with the other drawing, I saw something to fix in the other one and once that was done, I felt like the first one wasn’t as good and had to fix something from it too. And that led to a cycle where the other drawing was always better than the other and the worse one needed to be fixed. In the end I was hating the whole process and myself and my skills and I was already ready to abandon this whole thing and call it a day and never ever show it to anyone “because I cannot draw”. The photo above, here’s a list of things I redrew after that:

Bela’s eyes, the right (left) one at least twice.

Bela’s nose.

Bela’s mouth a couple of times.

Farin’s eyes x588045028520

And a list of things I kept fixing and fixing:

Bela’s chin.

Bela’s neck shadows.

Bela’s hairline.

Farin’s whole face was tilted so I tried to fix that.

Farin’s face was too wide, which meant also partially redrawing the ear.

Farin’s hair was too long and wide too.

Farin’s nose.

Farin’s mouth might be the only thing I drew only once and I’m actually still extremely proud of how it came to be. I did the lips solely with blending so that was super exciting to notice how I can use it for drawing and don’t need the pencils for everything!

During Bela’s eyes and nose and mouth especially I was hating myself so much and I felt like I was taking the risk of ruining the whole thing and a few times I was certain that was what I had just done too, until I somehow was able to save it again. But because of that, I wasn’t able to make Bela’s mouth any lighter anymore, the color wasn’t just coming off the paper so had to use what was there and make it look like it’s how it’s supposed to be, too.

Here’s a gif about those changes on Bela - the first one has the old eyes and nose, the others have minor changed on the nose and mouth:

(The blacks probably don’t get any blacker in reality, I did add more color to it all the time but mainly it’s just the lighting and my phone camera changing the brightness.)

I did the final details on his nose without even using the reference photo anymore. The photo didn’t seem to make any sense anymore at all so I was just using my mechanical pencil and the blending tool and eraser to make is look better. To my eye it looked more like a very flat nose with a big tip of the nose and he doesn’t have a flat nose and I tried to get rid of that illusion. I still feel like it makes him look bit weird but I’m not entirely sure how. Maybe it was because of my improvisation, idk...

So, Bela was then finally finished for the last time. In the Farin piece his left (right) eye had been bugging me the whole time and I didn’t want to touch it but still I felt like I have to do something about it because it was bugging me way too much. I then figured I could draw the eye line by line and take a photo of it each time to see if it looks right already or not, maybe I could then avoid doing all the phases before I was sure what to think about it. I mean, now the only way to see if it was correct was to draw e.g. an eye from start to finish, I couldn’t see from just the lineart or unblended eye if it was in the right spot etc. And here’s that progress on a gif:

The gif about only the eye would look so nice if Tumblr didn’t make the gifs so HUGE - this one is actually only 300px or 400px or something:

Apparently I also wasn’t happy with the other eye because:

But good thing is: I really enjoy drawing eyes. I love seeing them to “come alive”, my favorite part was to eraser a bit of the color on the iris to make them look like they are actually shiny! It feels like something so small to do and yet it makes a huge impact on the drawing!

And here’s yet another gif of the whole Farin sheet with all of the changes, including the last changes that made his head narrower, and less tilted and more in line. Look at the left side of his head especially to see that:

I can also see his nose changing between the first few photos. I keep forgetting about that but yeah, I also fixed that a little at some point.

And last but not least, the whole drawing in some sort of a timelapse gif:

Last two are the same but just a photo and the scan of the finished drawing. I still keep seeing things I would do differently but no can do, I already used fixative on it, also to keep myself from obsessing with it any more :D And to use it as a study of some sort. I have never been able to draw a perfect pencil drawing and this isn’t one either. I probably never can draw perfect drawings from references.

I do enjoy the whole shading and blending process, so much so that when I was editing these photos, I just wanted to start drawing something so bad but I also figured that I start to lose motivation when I get to the point where everything should be finished but I just can’t make it perfect. Like the current WIP I have, all I should do is to get the proportions and perspective and the lines of their faces correctly and I would be ready but it feels more like a superpower some people possess and I’m not one of those. I don’t know what is it but I just feel that I cannot see. I don’t know how to explain it, but I can’t see what I try to do and somehow keep drawing everything the wrong way. Just like in this post’s drawing too. There’s still things that are wrong and I know what it is but I don’t know how to solve it. My hands just don’t listen to me and they can’t do what I think they should. I also think the reason I cannot draw perfect copies of photos is because you can always see my “handprint” in them. If I copy a photo, it will look like a photo and not like a drawing made by me. So I believe that in my drawing there’s always a part of me visible and I’m not entirely sure if it’s a good thing or not. On bad days it’s not a good thing, obviously. On good days? Well I guess it’s good then because it just means I have my own style which I really should appreciate. But I wish I had my style only when I want it to be visible, but I can’t control it. Just like I cannot write text by hand that would look like it was written with a computer, so I guess I should just try to get used to it, no matter how much it’d bug me sometimes.

[iceamericanoventi]

Blank Space - Chapter 7

Part 6

———————

Screaming, crying, perfect storms, I can make all the tables turn

Rose garden filled with thorns

Keep you second guessing like "Oh my God, who is she?"

I get drunk on jealousy

But you'll come back each time you leave

'Cause, darling, I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream

“Naah, I’m not going tonight.”

Jinki balanced his phone between his ear and shoulder while restarting the laptop in front of him.

“But you have skipped lots of gigs lately! That’s not fair.”

Taemin groans from the other side, anyone can tell he’s more than annoyed by his voice.

“How come it’s not fair? It’s not like I got paid doing nothing.”

“Mom said we shouldn’t count our good deeds but my dear brother, I got you famous. Remember?”

“Tell me once again, so you meant I should help myself for something I didn’t ask for? Do I look like God or what? It’s not my choice that I appeared charming to those people.”

Taemin snorts, “Wow. Look how cocky you are now.”

“I know right?” Jinki sure knows how to tease his brother.

“Come on, Jinki! You cannot do this to me. This supposed to be done by two people, not a lone troop!”

“Since when you got fancy words from your mouth? You may start writing your own music, baby brother!”

“Screw you and your girl!”

“Hey! Leave her alone! She has nothing to do with anything!”

“As if,” Taemin scoffed and kicked the foot of his bed, and thank God he wears his boots because the sound is not pretty, “You’ve been away from home more than three days. Everyone knows you will get it right away that you’re with her. I probably should tell Mom to hire a wedding planner as soon as possible.”

“The hell with you, Lee Taemin! I’m struggling to get my work done here and you’re out of the lash spreading some cheap rumor, does that sound supportive?”

Satisfied with his little revenge, Taemin’s ready to cut the call.

“Gotta go! I have no time for traitor! When I make it to place record with Minho, you will never get an autograph from me!”

Jinki cracks when he had no chance to say anything after Taemin left the line hanging on the other side.

“What happened?” Gwiboon asks when she returned from the bathroom.

“Taemin is such a little girl sometimes,” Jinki turned his head to the side and almost got a heart attack when he saw Gwiboon only wrapped with towel, thighs covered not even half, his mouth went dry with the view, “Ermm, can you not? How am I suppose to do if you.. you know, dress like that?”

She couldn’t believe what she just heard, “What do you expect from someone got off the bathroom? I just finished shower, not going to attend a banquet! You and you uncontrollable desire can be so handful sometime!”

When she walked across the room as if nothing happened, Jinki is more than convinced that the heat crept up his face is not because of room’s temperature. He shakes his head lightly, gave up with the circumstance, it’s Gwiboon’s room anyway.

Jinki camped there since four days ago. Initially, to finish some drawings since he needs to submit some draft by the beginning of next week. Initially. But what can he do when he only have limited space, 28 square meter to be exact, with the prettiest girl he ever encountered in his life who turned out having quite strange habit – if he might say – to take of her pants whenever she reached her room. However, this time he’s lucky enough to survive the trial. The other day when he sneaked inside her room after bribing the guard downstairs, Gwiboon open the door smiling so wide with oversized worn out t-shirt one sleeve fell of the shoulder showing perfect skin on it. The second she hugged him, he knew there’s nothing under that blessed piece of clothes.

Usually, Jinki will lock himself inside his room or move to the studio at the left wing at the campus which known to be a public hotel for the last year students. But lately, the studio is too crowded. Plus, Jonghyun will be there. Doesn’t matter how much he wants to resolve the cold treatment Jonghyun gave him since he found Jinki’s been going out with Gwiboon, the words just didn’t roll off his mouth and the urge to hide whenever Jonghyun in his sight is slightly bigger than his guts.

To think about it, it’s not Jonghyun’s fault to come out cold. Jinki’s the one who avoid him at the first time and somehow just lost his track on the way. On the other hand, as the nature of Kim Jonghyun, he doesn’t really care about his sister’s affair. Well, not that he wanted people to see it, though.

“Taemin’s okay? It’s been a while I didn’t see him. I think since he started to take the part time job as junior graphic designer at that lifestyle magazine.”

“Yeah, he’s barely home these days my Mom started to think to cross his name of her will. Tonight he has a gig, and he asked me to go with him.”

“So?”

Jinki looked to Gwiboon’s direction, her eyes saying why-you’re-still-here-then. He stretched his back a little bit, “I love singing but Taemin always loves it more. I used to go on the stage with him because he was scared. So I encourage him and offered to accompany him on some gigs. Now that he found his way, I don’t think he needs me anymore. Or maybe I’m just lazy.”

“So?" she repeated her word, "If I were you, I’d be so stressed if I stayed inside the house hours and hours without any break.”

She casually slips her panties whilst, judged by the tremble on his jaw, Jinki tried so hard tune down his heart beating, “Of course I get stressed. But going out there with my mind kept telling me that I still have so much to do make me even more stressed.”

Gwiboon walked closer to him, messed with his hair and kissed his side, “You should just go. Take a breath a bit.”

“By any chance, are you kicking me out?”

Contrary with her nice intention, Jinki’s voice raised from what it supposed to be. Gwiboon stoned on her ankles, her arms hung on the air for seconds before pushed down the big t-shirt and peeled the towel from her skin.

“Excuse me? I just said go out there for two or three hours, take some fresh air, it won’t hurt. You can go back whenever you want. I know you are a hard worker but that’s not how you do it. Since yesterday you’ve been staring on that screen not drawing any other line than two boxes on the left.”

When talking about details, Gwiboon is the best. And used to be Jinki’s major stalker, she owned a skill for collecting clues, information, and evidence with single glance only.

“Besides, I need to prepare the layout of the catalog for the fashion week. This room will turn into a sunken ship when I started to spread all those mock up dress. And I will have no more extra hand to cheer you up while your photoshop crashed for the nth time.”

Jinki let out bitter chuckles, “Wait, wait. Am I disturbing you?”

“Oh, here we go again. Don’t you get it? I am the one who afraid will disturb you with my works. I cannot use the studio because the first years are currently using it exclusively to prepare their class assessment. We are very busy and tensed with our projects, one of us should spare some common sense, and for this time I am volunteering myself to remind you that you’re too exhausted already.”

The dejected look on his face tells her that none of her words are taken.

“Don’t humor me, Gwiboon, you know it’s useless. You can just say that you want me to leave, I have no problem with that. But listened to you drive me out this way, doesn’t help. At all. What’s with the purposely soft tones? I’m not a baby who will easily get deceived with your lure.”

The second he finished his word, he mentally slit his throat for saying some stupid stuffs to Gwiboon. This must be nicotine deprivation, Jinki thought. The more he spent his time with Gwiboon, the more he didn’t smoke. She confiscated his cigarette right away whenever that thing appeared before them. For his own good, she said.

“Are you on your period or what? Or you just forgot to tell me that you are excessively sensitive over tiny things?”

Jinki rises from the small couch near the window where Gwiboon set up there to make second working space if her desk was too boring, collects his other belonging and shoved his laptop to his backpack.

“I had a feud with my best friend for nothing then, huh?”

“Come again?”

“Nothing.”

She grabbed his chin, forcing his eyes to be on the same level with her. She doesn’t look pleased at all.

“It’s your choice to stay or leave, Lee Jinki. I never once give you an order to detach yourself from your brother. OR MY BROTHER. It’s your damn choice!”

He removed her hand carefully from his face. As much as he mad at her right now, he doesn’t want to harm Gwiboon, “You already know what I said, huh? Why bother asking me then?”

She bites her inner cheek to calm her down before exploded into some mess.

“Are we having our first fight? Because if it’s so, I’m not. Something must be wrong with you. I just suggested you to take a break and you’re offended out of nowhere? What the hell!”

“Suggested? Seriously? This what you called suggestion? Pushing me away once you got bored on me so you can.. I don’t know.. maybe hangout with some random dude you like the usual infamous Kim Gwiboon? Do I look like fucking spare-part for you?”

Restless with the atmosphere, he accused her for something which actually only happened in his mind due to his own paranoia. It’s not like Gwiboon uncomfortable with his presence so close to her. The truth is, it was the first for Gwiboon, having someone sharing the same air under her roof more than 24 hours besides Jonghyun. Not even Minho. Before this, Jinki only spent the night and went back to his sanctuary in the morning for the next two or three days before his voice greeted her again on the phone or the door of her studio. It feels new. Feels a little bit foreign.

And beyond that, Gwiboon had been skipping her bistro duty for some days. Her father started to interrogate her and she ran out of excuses already.

“Why you always turn everything into some scenario that I’m a whore who supposed to be very guilty by your denunciation and you're the poor man who made terrible mistake by being with me?”

Jinki's heart flopped to the end of his abdomen, which at this moment seems bottomless. She's not crying. Unlike the first time he accused her of doing some shit. But the torn eyes stared sternly to his own tells him everything more than she would say by words.

“Tell me what my fault is for you always suspect me doing something behind your back.”

Gwiboon has a trust issue. However, apparently, Jinki has bigger one. He didn’t mean to say say something hurtful. It’s his automatic self-defense whenever he felt insecure, which he hopes he never had intention to ever do that. Seeing how it goes right now, it’s more like a boomerang instead of a shield.

“Shit.”

He unconsciously took a pack of cigarette on his jacket pocket and light it up right away while he still gathering his stuff. And Gwiboon is not pleased with the view, but this time she restrained her hands to snatch it away.

“You think you’re allowed to smoke here?”

“Some douchebags might as well smoked on those countless nights, am I right?”

“Just leave when you finished writing the novel inside your head.”

Once again, she didn’t cry. She just left Jinki standing awkwardly there and rushed to the bathroom before she slammed the door so hard, Jinki can feel soft wind sweep his cheek when it swung closed.

He wanted to leave, but he just can’t. So he marches to the bathroom door and knocked it with all his might.

“Gwiboon, I’m so sorry. I’m really sorry.”

He realized he crossed the line, but for Gwiboon is way too late. She’s not the nicest girl in the world, she knew that. But it doesn’t give him right to judge her for whatever seemed favorable to him at the moment.

Gwiboon promised herself not to cry again over a man. But Lee Jinki seems to be an exception. When she heard light steps leaving the room, she melts down on the cold tiled floor.

***

“Kim Gwiboon!”

She adjusted the silk and put the last pin on the tall model in front of her before stepped back and observed the model’s waist line. The model turns around when she asked, but when she faced her again, something’s still off and she can only shake her head in disappointment.

“Yaa! Kim Gwiboon!”

She let out subtle growl and tells the model to have fifteen minutes break.

“This hall is exclusive for the fashion design department, you ogre!”

“I am part of the lighting design! That makes me 100% allowed around here!”

She rolled her eyes out of habit, “Can you see I’m busy?”

“You’re not the only one!” Minho flails a piece of paper in front of her face, “You got two hours. Maximum two and half.”

She scanned the paper and got blood rushed to her head, “Are you guys out of your mind? How can I get only two hours?”

“Your girls are going to walk no more than one hour!”

“But to make a perfect one hour walk you need lots of time of rehearsing! You think it’s easy to walk down the stage while hundreds eyes anchored to you ready to scream out tiny mistake you accidently made? You people are so shallow!”

Minho sighed, as if knowing this is exactly what would happen, “Don’t throw your tantrum on me! I just delivered lighting schedule.”

“Oh now you turned into a messenger after some important lighting designer is not giving you sort of privilege you wanted?” Gwiboon jumped of the stage to be on the same eye level with her best friend, more than five years he knows him, he still awed by her ability to jump and run on heels, “Who is in charge with this shit? I need at least one whole night to check everything, Mangoooo.”

Embarrassed by the nickname he raised his hand right away, “I got you a whole night but it can only be done on Wednesday.”

“I’ll take Wednesday! I can finish everything this Sunday! Or even Saturday! On Monday and Tuesday it would be only the final touch.”

“Wednesday? What about your bistro duty?”

Obvious frown appeared on her pale face, Minho really wants to help but he has no idea what he should do.

“Gwiboon?”

“I’ll take Wednesday! I’m taking double shift this weekend.”

Saturday and Sunday supposed to be her quality control day, Minho knows it very well, “Are you in your right mind? That won’t do. I know your tailor schedule. You need to asses bunch of sample those days!”

“Let me take care of myself. All I need from you is make the whole Wednesday for me and my crew. Exclusively. Can you do that?”

Minho can only sighed, he took out a pen and scribbled something on his notepad, “Remind me to send you the loading’s rundown tomorrow night.”

“You’re the best!”

And Gwiboon just flew back to her station leaving Minho with his mixed feeling.

***

“One salmon and one lamb for the table 5! Two pouched pear for table 18! Last one!”

“Thank God.”

Gwiboon wiped her forehead and headed back to her station. Though the bistro belongs to her father, she’s still under the sous chef – sous chef’s assistant as he introduced her for the first time – making her jam-packed with rage toward the way of her father’s thinking. It’s Friday night, all tables are booked and orders keep coming to the kitchen, leaving her to hours without even rest her finger down. She had been purposely avoiding weekend previously. However, since the next two weeks she wouldn’t be able to do her duty, the schedule needs to be rearranged. And it costs her two cuts on her finger and one dessert plate smashed to the ground.

The head chef’s clearly not happy with that.

“Kim Gwiboon, can I talk to you for a minute?”

“Yes, Chef!”

She immediately entailed him to the vegetable’s stockroom.

“Are you okay?”

He asked once the door completely shut behind her.

“Of course, Chef. I’m just tired.”

“You sure?” she looked at her left hand with two fingers wrapped in rubber protector, “I don’t care what’s your father intention suddenly putting you here. What I care is all my employees are present 100%. And you, my little friend, no matter how you hate this, you never disappointed me before. You worked hard like a horse. Well, at least before tonight.”

“I’m sorry, Chef.”

“I remembered thirteen years ago you wore that apron which too big for you that time, it looked like a dress instead. You were running around the kitchen helping me carrying the bell peppers. I wonder where that little girl had gone.”

She’s completely not aware where this conversation is going to end and decided not to say anything until the man before her asking her opinion.

“The point is, Gwiboon,” somehow he seemed able to catch the confusion roaming the air, “Don’t force yourself. I know this is like volunteer work for you. I know I cannot help but asking you to keep attending your schedule. But if you need a break while on duty, asked. We’re in this kitchen may not your preferable family. But we’re a family here. We’re a team. And lesson number one, team always got your back.”

Funny how some people that she supposed to be her least favorite person turned out so much better than some people bonded by blood. Turned out, not everyone in this world had heart and head as tiny as sesame seed. Overwhelmed with so much compassion she thought she doesn’t deserve, small rivers ran down her cheeks instinctively.

“Take your time as much as you want. We’re closing the kitchen in five minutes, so don’t you worry, kid.”

Gwiboon can only nod weakly when he tapped her shoulder lightly while passing her. Once the door closed again, she moved to the stool in the corner and drown her face in both hands. Shoulder shaking hard indicating how bad she breaks down even she didn’t make any voice.

It’s been ten days she hasn’t heard anything from Jinki. Every single night passed with the longing to reach the phone and dial his number buried among her doubts and anxiety. Whenever she found her hand stretching to the side of her night desk, she convinced herself not to be a fool for Jinki left that night by his own will. She didn’t kick him out. She didn’t push him away. And history told her not to bother begging people coming back to her pathetic life.

Presumably life is a fast food restaurant and they order the same happy meal, in his room, Jinki sit on his mattress, rejecting Jonghyun who two days ago started talking to him again as if nothing ever happened between them and his invitation to become his wingman, both knees flushed to his chest while phone laid in front of his feet, inviting him to grab it in any second.

Since the first step Jinki made outside Gwiboon’s door that night, he’d been walking on earth with guilty mocking him on both sides of his head. He wanted to run back upstairs once he reached the ground floor of Gwiboon’s building. However the fear of being really chased away after his stupid mistake took over everything.

He wanted to apologize, told her he’s sorry and beg her not to leave him but then reality knocked him out. Who do you think you are, Lee Jinki? They never define what they are. Never labeling what kind of the relationship they’re having. In Jinki’s mind, he has no right to asking Gwiboon to forgive him. Supposed it would be the easiest thing to do to someone he cares a lot. Who knows the hardest thing in the world is realizing you hurt them even if you kept telling yourself you didn’t mean it?

Jinki pressed the home button of his phone. The screen tells him the day will soon turn Saturday. After five minutes contemplating if it’s polite to visit someone’s house in such hour, he put his jeans haphazardly. Snatching his jacket and key’s car from his desk, he dashed out his room almost like lightning.

***

‘Remember, Kim Gwiboon. You’re more than welcome here. If you had something in mind, let me know. I cannot lie to your father and cover your absence but as long as you’re in my kitchen, both my ears are open to everything you want to say.’

The words from the head chef rings beautifully inside her mind. The first time she saw him more than decade ago, she knew already that he is a very kind person despite his harsh words while on duty. If only she didn’t fall in love to fashion first, she must be willingly to be taken under his wing in his father’s bistro.

“Sir, take the left street, please. There’s a new small bar at front, they occupied more than half of the street every Friday and Saturday.”

Without saying anything, the taxi driver headed to the left as instructed. She found out she’s not in her right mind she might kill herself on the way if she insisted to drive back home. Gwiboon decided to leave her car at back of the bistro since she will be back again on Sunday anyway. And she can always take the bus or taxi to visit her tailor’s place tomorrow. Well, technically today since it’s almost one in the morning.

Tomorrow, tomorrow might be the last time she will ever visit her tailor again. Tomorrow might be the last time she can joke around with her, share some latest gossip, and sketch ideas together and argue which color or type of fabric they can use for their next collaboration. She’s a married woman with one son, twelve years older than Gwiboon but in her she found her best friend. Her girl best friend she never had since the other girls at the university only see her as a competitor. She decides she will tell Amber she's going to move soon after she finished this semester. It will be hard but her grandmother will be sad if she kept weeping like any other day.

"We’re here, Miss.”

“Uh, right, sorry,” she was drowning in her thought, didn’t realize the car has stopped five minutes ago, “Here. Thank you so much, drive safely, Sir.”

She went out the taxi hesitantly for being at her own house is the last thing she wants now. However, too tired to even mentally curse herself, she didn’t even realize there’s another sound of car’s door being slammed.

“Kim Gwiboon.”

She’s about to pushed the gate when a voice recites her name almost inaudible but beautifully. A voice she knew by heart. A voice she missed the most. Timidly, she turned herself to the source, almost afraid she’s still dreaming in a short nap during the ride home. But he’s there, standing weakly next to his car, losing his strong presence which Gwiboon fell for the very first time they met.

She wants to throw her shoes to him for what he said to her the last day she saw his face. She wants to bust his nose with her purse for what he did to her. Those desires nevertheless left her soul instantly when she found his face looked as awful as hers and a pair of eyes mirroring her own sadness.

Without ado, she sprinted to his spot and threw herself on his chest which the latter response by wrapping her weary figure with his arms. His heart shrunk when he felt tears seeping through the thin material of his t-shirt, making him tighten his embrace straightaway. Without her heels, Jinki can bury his nose on the top of her head and breathe in her trademark vanilla scent as much as he want, in substitute for the past days it was missing from his life.

They stay chest to chest for the longest time, indulged each other presence, sharing the warmth left on their skin in the coldness of the night, letting their hearts do the talk.

Jinki couldn’t help but break the silent first.

“I’m sorry, Baby..”

This time, it’s Gwiboon’s turn to tighten her embrace.

***

crossed-post already to my AFF      

Part 8                              

[worldofsurvivortibet-blog]

EPISODE 1 (Part 2) - “I'll be sharpening my knife just in case” - Eddie

SEB

I'll be happy if I never have to see another fucking Robot Unicorn for the rest of my life...

NICHOLAS

Hey guys! So I am going to send it here so it's easier, but I already LOVE my tribe! Everyone is so sweet and easy to talk to (something that isn't always the case in these games). I am really trying to be super active and friendly and supportive towards people so that they feel like they should keep me around,,,, and i think it's working well since I got added to that fun alliance! I'm working hard for this reward challenge so I can prove my worth to all of these people on my tribe! That's about it for now! xoxoxoxo Nicholas

AMANDA

OK i have found that i hate this unicorn game. Like HATE IT.  I am so over it. everyone seems cool so far. there is some people that i am already kind of nervous  about because they just seem like they are already trying to play games and stuff. IDK but they just have me on edge but oh well. I think i am going to try to become close with them but idk i don't really want to be close with hem bc i don't trust them.

JARED

Honestly I am PISSED I was not put with Daniella or Trysten, and I’m stuck with the damn furry! But this will not bring me down, I am here to WIN and I will do whatever it takes to do that. Right now my goal is to just be social and try my best to talk to everyone, because god knows I do not want to be the first one voted out!

CHRISSA

we won that reward which is cool there's a reason i like that game, I hope we win immunity too so nervous still. I am hoping i am safe if we don't win either though. Voting if we had to, would be so hard.

ELENA

I am so happy that we won reward! I am a little bit confused about what exactly they are able to do at "the summit" but hopefully Dani and Darian will share with us when they get back! So far as tribe relations go, I haven't had a chance to speak with everyone yet, but I have made a couple of friends it seems in Seb and Darian. I hope to speak with everyone at least once before Immunity challenge is over.

DANI

I WANTED THAT GODDAMN IDOL CLUE! ME! I did! But my freaking Papa Jabari or whatever that dish was called didn't have jack SHIT! Grrrr.... I Didnt even eat that shit it tasted like acc trash! So I'm starving and now I'm stuck on a fucking mountain peak with a furry, someone who plays the victim all the time, a photographer piece of shit who I'm targeting, and a few other assclowns I haven't had the privilege of conversing with. GET ME OUT OF HERE NOW!

MATT

My lord Seamus got angry over something I called toast. I need to do that more *eyes emoji*

CHRISSA

flag challenges are ugly but I am here for it and the summit twist is cool that's all

JARED

Honestly, I’m mad.  I wanted to go to the summit because I wanted to talk to Daniella… *starts sobbing* I just feel so ALONE! It’s not fair….

TRYSTEN

I'm not going to lie. I feel defeated a little. I just feel like the weakest link, and I'm not going to be surprised if they vote me out.

KENDALL

Okay I just found out newlyf's name, it's Ally. I was right the first time, which is weird because I am usually never right at all. So chances are we are in the Matrix, sorry to shatter your fragile reality :/. Now on to more substantial things: 1. The Reward Challenge Yeah fuck that challenge man. I'm not going to lie, for the first ten minutes it was sort of fun. I like addicting things and the music was pretty good but everything went down hill and it went down hill fast. I still have the bloody song stuck in my head. :( 2. Summit Interesting concept and I like the idea of having an excuse for not being as social. Unfortunately I couldn't jump at the opportunity because that would be stupid. It would put a target on my back if I did, as the possibility of me having an idol would increase. Plus the odds of someone from my group going was very high considering we make up 4/7. And low and behold I was right. Two of the people I trust the most went to the Summit and I got to keep my hands clean. I guess this also means that the idol thing was fake which leads me to say, really guys, really? I stressed out about this.  3. The Immunity Challenge Flag making challenge, I volunteered because nobody else knew how to use photoshop and I am really good at drawing. I'm no Picasso (early Picasso, not late Picasso, I could do that shit) but I think it will work. Not to mention I hate relying on other people because people are gross and that I need to prove myself of some use. If I'm not careful, they'll catch on that I am virtually worthless in most scenarios. Like I wouldn't even be good bait for the wild animals, I taste too much like arsenic.  Anyway that's all folks, I'll be back with more scheming, paranoid ramblings and zombies. Well, maybe not those first two.   

DARIAN

SHIT HIT THE FAN kinda. I got an idol on my first try today. But it wasn't for my tribe... I know..Im sooooo lucky that I find someone else idol. So I was than told that I had 45 min to decide who I was going to give it to. Instantly I had two ideas in my head Keyonjay or Ally. Keyonjay- He clearly is decent in challenges and would be a string partner to attempt to align myself with. He has also agreed that if he finds my idol that he will give it to me. So theres a win win there for me.. maybe Ally- She did really bad in the first challenge and that honestly puts a huge target on her back because she is the easy vote. The team stays strong and no one gets butt hurt. But if she has the idol she can make a move and take out a big player EARLY... Like Keyonjay hahaha. After talking it out with keyonjay and getting his opinions and than a little self reflection I decided to give Keyonjay the idol in hopes that he could be the one to find my idol and maybe even become a strong alliance member!! Ahhhh so stressed!!!!

KEYONJAY

Okay so a couple things. I got the best score on the first challenge out of pure luck. Like just somehow I literally got to like 55k on level two when the previous times i played i couldn't get over 10k on all three levels. Unfortunately we still didn't win which fucking sucks because I didn't wanna go to the goddamn summit at all, but the other tribe chose me because i got the best score apparently. Didn't really wanna be away from my tribe for anything to change with my alliances, and really didn't wanna be put in a position that complicates my game. Ofc immediately that changes because Darian just gave me an idol. like dsfsdsf wtf. I just met the kid. It's really nice though and obviously from my last game I see that you can't abuse people's kindness like that so I'm not gonna use it against him or anything or brag and call him dumb (I'm sorry Mitchy D:) but this definitely complicates things because if I had an idol, I'd rather be the only person that knows about it and now I have to contend with the fact that this idol is basically mine AND Darian's and I have to use it in a way that benefits both of us or risk a pissed off juror. God. DONT GIVE ME IDOLS! I DONT WANT THEM! THEY COMPLICATE THINGS! He wants me to use it on Ally if my tribe loses the first immunity, but hopefully I can protect her and make that not happen regardless, or we can win, which I doubt since it's a flag challenge and I fucking suck at these.

ACE

Alright we got 2nd on the challenge which is decent. And then the next chall is a flag making competition and considering Kendall and Jared know of my abilities hopefully they can leave it up to me. I'm gonna make a wicked gif. Anyways the Summit twist is kinda cool, I got food that gave me an idol clue but it at least told me where NOT to look. I'm probably gonna stick to mountainside since random.org told me to. The Summit is Me and Keyonjay, Matt, Darian, Dani, and Johnny. I already know Dani and Matt, Darian talked with me a bit and they seem alright. They use phone emojis a lot and Im not use to seein those on my computer so its weird a bittttt! Johnny isn't online yet so idk about them just yet. Before I left Jared wanted me to talk to Keyonjay about making an alliance with them. When I heard keyonjay would be at Summit I decided to volunteer myself so I could get the question in. Keyonjay said they were ok with Jared and wanted him to join the alliance with Kendall and Nicholas... uhh no I think we just meant something between us 3 we don't need that big of an alliance even though our tribe is amazing and we'll probably barely lose anybody =') Also Kendall and I sorta already settled Jared as our possible first tribe boot so that'd just make things a bit harder maybe? WHo's even left? Ally and Amanda... that's it rofl also I don't think Ally is Mega anymore lol delete it

JOHNNY

Since joining the game, I’ve found it really difficult to legitimately communicate with people. I can’t help but think a lot of these people are dweebs, who just sit behind the computer all day blogging on tumblr and obsessing over Survivor games online I’m sure, and there’s no way I can compete with no lifes who do nothing but scratch their ballsacks all day. Any who, I do kinda know Dani, who is in the Summit with me right now, and i recognize Jared from a few other games I’ve played, but I’ve yet to approach him yet about the game, but I’m glad I have that in my back pocket. I’ve really gotta start forming some bonds with people, because the conversations I’m having with most of these people are not strong, and I wouldn’t be surprised if these try hard motherfuckers already have a majority alliance, but all I can do is contribute in challenges and hope for the best since my social game isn’t going to be too strong this early on. I’ve made a bond with Crimson on my team because we have a mutual friend, so hopefully that can take me a long way for now. My plan is to just bond with Matt since he’s the only one from my tribe I can talk to, maybe strike a deal, let him think he can do anything with me in this game, when tbh I’ll probably slit his neck soon enough anyways

tbh I get the very scary feeling that a lot of people know each other in this game, and I honestly don’t have anyone in this game that I can truly rely on like some do, and I’m never going to know who is friends with who. Now I know what it feels like to kinda be a newb in the games I play when I just target the people I don’t know… Guess I’m getting a taste of my own medicine here

DANI

Darian is getting on my nerves so badly. Like ugh, shut up for like two seconds nobody cares if you're a photographer. 

So Darian's dumbass comes up to me saying Carson/Julia have an idol in the game. Do I believe him? Yeah. Do I not wanna believe him? Yeah... But that's just how the game works. Oh how I wish I had that idol... *licks lips* Oh the things I would do to it... Grrr....

CARSON

Ok so I'm pretty sure Darian just exposed that he has the idol by trying to give me a fake clue. On 1/4/17, at 7:23 PM, Darian Goggin wrote: > I got a clue to an idol On 1/4/17, at 7:23 PM, Darian Goggin wrote: > It wasn't much but it's something On 1/4/17, at 7:23 PM, Carson (albania host) wrote: > omg On 1/4/17, at 7:23 PM, Darian Goggin wrote: > Don't search the Forrest On 1/4/17, at 7:23 PM, Darian Goggin wrote: > Or the mountainside On 1/4/17, at 7:27 PM, Carson (albania host) wrote: > I guess that can be kind of helpful lol So apparently you get clues to the idol at the Summit. Hell, there could even be an idol at the Summit. But regardless he got a clue... but he should have quoted it if it was real. Plus I went to the mountainside already and got THIS: On 1/3/17, at 9:24 PM, carson (tibet host) wrote: > You come to the spot where an idol looks to have been hidden, but there's nothing here! https://media.tenor.co/images/fb3f2d1e814190100a4ae401b1660d5b/tenor.gif He told me not to go to the mountainside because he already went there and got it and he didn't want me to find out its gone! And I guess its safe to say he's working with Dani now, who I also wanted to work with. I would go to her about it, but idk if she'd leak to Darian that I'm onto him. Right now, I'm just going to lay low with this until I need to use it. It sounds to me like Dani, Seb and Elena already know each other, and if Darian goes with them, they'll have majority. I wanted to work with Julia (and by extension Chrissa), but idk if it'll work out. Once again, I don't want to pry at all because no one really has a target yet. There isn't an easy first boot, so one slip up could cost me the game. OK THE PLOT JUST THICKENED Apparently, the Namtso idol is gone... which means all the tribes are searching the same area. So maybe Darian doesn't have it... but he could be protecting someone that does. I mean he's probably in cahoots with the ppl at the summit, And we can find the other tribe's idols. I'm so fucking shook.

JULIA RAE

ok so right now i dont know what im doing bc i dont really play survivor ,,, but i think im doing alright. i talked to everyone and i rly like carson and darian but that just my opinion! also darian told me that he'd be willing to get rid of seb if it came down to it ,,,, which is ok with me idk that dude and he kinda weird ngl! hopefully we win immunity bc if we dont idk what to do!! hehe love survivor!!

TRYSTEN

Holy Shit! I fucking did not expect us to get first, but thank yoouuu Johnny! *blows a kiss to the camera* moi!

CHRISSA

I am so glad we are not going to tribal, fuck the people who said those things lol just kidding it's their opinion honestly we just don't know who will judge and what they will like. it sucks.

DANI

I feel good I feel nice I've never felt so Satisfied I'm in love I'm alive Intoxicated Flying high It feels like a dream When you touch me tenderly I don't know if it's real But I like the way I feel Inside

DARIAN

Yasss we won immunity! No tribal! Which is great because no one really is on the outs rn so no one can really be an easy vote and that's scary! But I don't have to worry about that so yay!

KEYONJAY

So we lost the first immunity challenge and this really sucks, but luckily I'm in the majority alliance and then we kinda have Jared as an extra number even though he's not really IN the alliance or the alliance chat. I still have my idol that nobody knows about so I could make some kind of move if I wanted. Darian wanted me to use it to "take out a power-player" but I'm like, not gonna do that. It's WAY too early to make a big move like that and it would be completely illogical and senseless. It's better to just go with the numbers right now and not rock the boat. Plus I don't really see anyone on our tribe as a power-player necessarily. Kendall is definitely the leader of our alliance but I wanted it that way so I can continue flying UTR and focus on my social game. Now to see who will be the first to go from our tribe. :( Sucks because I really like everybody.

MATT

Well damn. Johnny is actually the MVP for this one. We can literally just relax and pretend like we give a shit about who's leaving only because it's none of us lmao.

ACE

I'm sad we lost, I like everybody on this tribe. I don't feel like bringing Jared down just yet, I brought up that Ally had the lowest score on the Reward challenge so we could possibly just go with her. Everyone in the Mofos alliance said they wanna keep me and Kendall for doing good work in the challenge but we'll see about that. I think I'm good with mostly everybody except for Amanda and Ally. I just spoke to Amanda and she said she'll vote Ally bc they haven't spoken at allll. Amanda doesn't seem to be in any alliance whatsoever. Kendall is a strong leader in the Mofos and I like that she's more leading than I am even tho I'm the one who suggested Ally. Hopefully that'll keep the target more on her than me later on in the game. Kendall just told me Keyonjay gave her an idol clue and it's the same one I got. So that didn't help any. I guess I gotta continue filling up that mountainside grid.

ELENA

I am so happy that we aren't going to Tribal Council because I really like everyone on our tribe right now! It will be sad if we lose any time soon because they are all just very nice and interesting people. I am so greatful for Carson for doing the most of the work on the flag, I do wish he had somehow incorporated the Yaks since I did the research on Tibet, it felt like my idea was ignored a little bit. But what matters the most is that it was a very good outcome! I can't wait for the next challenge!!

KENDALL

Welp, I might have fucked myself. Why did I volunteer? Why did I think that combining two mediums is a good idea? Dear lord, what have I done? Well anyway, here's a quick recap: Ace and Keyonjay went to the summit and when they came back Keyonjay told me he had an idol clue. He gave it to me because he really didn't want an idol, apparently they are more trouble than there worth. Ace didn't tell me anything about the summit and only talked about making the flag. She only brought it up when I revealed my idol clue. This proves to me that my loyalties should lie more with Keyonjay than Ace. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Anyway after we lost the challenge I typed in the alliance chat "well at least we know it's either me or Ace". I meant it as a joke but they freaked out and thought I was pulling a Zane. I managed to clear up the misconception but I am still not sure if they still doubt me. In order to repair some sort of relationship with her, I showed Ace the idol clue which was the same clue she got. And now I'm nervous maybe she will show receipts of the conversation to Keyonjay and shift the target on to me. It wouldn't be too difficult, I'm a bit of an unusual person to talk to and I mostly hogged the challenge that we failed. Though chances are I'm being irrational so I'm not going to risk it. If I do start panicking and try to get my alliance mates out, I'll end up putting the target on my back that I've been trying to avoid. God I hate feeling fear, it's very gross. Well, all feelings are gross... it's just this one is inconveniencing me the most currently.