#anyway hi. my brain has rotted on the account of how much love i have so i’m (not) sorry about that

[ectoplasmer]

I think it’s the cold medicine talking but I thought about what I would give to slow dance with my f/os in the kitchen late at night or what I would give to get to kiss them in the kitchen early in the morning or what I would give to make them tea when they’re tired or what I would do just to bake or cook with them and now I’m just :(

[spicymotte]

How fandom culture killed my creativity

hi. I have some thoughts about my time in a huge fandom and how it changed me:

First of all, I would like to say that these are my personal experiences in a large anime fandom. I have made very good friends with whom I am still in contact today - and I was exposed to a kind of brain rot that has changed the way I deal with art forever. However, this does not apply to every fandom/every person.

this - essay? - is way longer than I thought it would be. More under the cut:

In 2020, after a long break, I was able to get excited about One Piece again. Until then, I had always considered art important to me and I had never been able to do it professionally. (maybe someday...!)

The One Piece fandom is huge. There are now over 1000 manga chapters and anime episodes, which is gigantic; and the fandom itself is just as huge: millions of fans love this manga/anime and exchange ideas about it on the internet. I was previously very limited to tumblr, but then I ventured into OPtwt, the One Piece community on Twitter. There is a lot of fan art, fan fiction and small cliques that like the same character. There is something for everyone. It was great! I had a hyperfixation phase on OP before, in 2017. Now it came back - so violently that I realized very quickly that I could hardly think of anything else but One Piece.

Hyperfixations involve two major factors: an intense obsession with a character (or theme/media/whatever), which often brings with it a bottomless well of inspiration and motivation for artists – and a strange influence on brain chemistry. Neurodivergent people are prone to difficulties with the release of happiness and rewarding hormones anyway, and even though I am in no way qualified to make grand statements, as a person living with AuDHD, hyperfixations are both a blessing and a curse.

Often, the neurodivergent niches in the fandom communities are very lively. On extremely interactive social media like Twitter, TikTok and Instagram, you are flooded with posts of fan art, discussions and also escalation. It quickly becomes stressful for the brain to keep up with it - especially if you manage to accumulate a large number of followers. (also a blessing and a curse!)

I started posting fanart and OC x canon in 2020. I spent most of the last three years on Twitter and I have to say that it set me back in some ways. At first, I was slow to get to know people through fanart, but then I got to know people very quickly: fellow artists that I am still good friends with today and, unfortunately, people who have also succumbed to an incredible, destructive brainrot. I had chosen a character (or rather, my brain did) who plays almost no role in One Piece. All the better, so I pretty much had him to myself and I could do whatever I wanted. The OC x canon community is generally very friendly and respectful, so I found quite a few people who liked what I drew. Cool!

And then it started. With fanart and a small fan club for my OCs, I got more followers and more likes. More retweets and comments, more notifications. The algorithm started to like me and the growth increased steadily. My fandom (OP) account grew, as did my reach.

I checked Twitter more and more. Every free second I took my smartphone in my hand and checked my notifications. I reloaded the page until I had a new notification. I repeated this on Instagram and tumblr. Sometimes I catch myself doing it today, even though I haven't been active in this fandom for over a year!

Likes were good, retweets better. Every notification of an interaction with my art was a push on the feel-good button in my brain. It's very addictive, even if I talked myself out of it at first. The pandemic was at its peak and the internet was the only way to meet friends anyway. All this shit was fast food for my brain.

Then I started drawing fanarts, even though I didn't feel like it. But the likes had to come from somewhere, didn't they? I drew favorites from manga, characters that I didn't even like that much myself. But they were popular, so that promised likes and reach! Every single day, really every day, I drew fanarts. I was disappointed with myself if I didn't.

As of today, my two One Piece art folders have 80GB of data in it! what the fuck!! That's not normal!

I learned a lot during that time and was able to develop my art. I was able to participate in projects, to draw for several zines and also had a lot of fun – but I treated it like a job. Making fan art your job is very difficult – and has a lot of consequences. If you run a merch shop (as I did for a short time), you always have to follow the hype and draw what's in style. You switch fandoms because the hype has just burned out and the next new thing is already in style. If you're one of the first to offer keychains and stickers - or plushies - you make the big money. That brings profit, but in my opinion you can very quickly step on the wrong foot in this jumping around and slip into burnout. (Or stagnate to such an extent that you lose all motivation to refine your artistic skills and become better at your craft.)

I see friends of mine, many of them, who are trying to live off of fandom merch. They all have one thing in common: their skills in art have remained absolutely the same over the past few years or have even declined. If you have to churn out a new batch of merchandise every week, you have to cut corners. There is no time for experiments and crazy studies when you can hardly live and have to produce merch/fan art that sells 100% well.

I don't mean to offend anyone - it's just that I've been thinking a lot about my own setbacks as an artist since I've been dealing with them so intimately. And I've definitely made some setbacks!

In 2021-2023, fandom life continued and got worse and worse. Checking my smartphone, drawing something every day to post it - just so that the algorithm doesn't sort me out. Posting daily is the number one rule on all Social Media, unfortunately. But I did it, no matter how burned out I felt.

And then there were the dramas on Twitter: internet puritans, antis and proshippers were screaming at each other and tearing each other to shreds (a trap I almost fell into myself! anti and pro are the biggest bullshit ever and I'm lucky enough to have reached a point where I can say: I don't give a shit lol). Callout posts, vague tweeting and aggression instead of simply blocking and moving on. Harassment that I myself experienced: I blocked a few people because I found them strange and unpleasant. They posted explicit things that I did not want to see on my timeline. This triggered a wave of harassment that was simply disgusting. These are people who hate their own lives so much that they can't do anything but feel miserable and stalk strangers online. Admittedly, this made me paranoid: a group of people had chosen me as a target. They passed around screenshots of many of my tweets and made fun of me, copying and stealing my art 1:1. They lied and cheated to make me look like an asshole – and this went on for years. It made me paranoid and was the first step away from fandoms, as it escalated more and more.

So, I was successfully bullied out of the fandom and my hyperfixation was over. It left a terrible void that I am still trying to fill today. Neurodivergence sucks, I'll tell you.

That's when I honestly asked myself for the first time: What the fuck am I doing here? When did I become a content machine for strangers on the internet? Why the hell do I feel so bad when I don't draw for a day? And why do I care what strangers think about me?!

Then I realized that I can't draw anymore.

Without references or the 3D models from Clip Studio Paint, I'm lost. When I try to draw something without any help, I sit in front of an empty canvas. My hands don't do what they're supposed to do and my brain blocks the thought of how drawing even works. My eyes only see the mistakes I make. Everything I draw looks bad to me.

I realized I have a problem.

So I try again and learn it all again from scratch: Anatomy, perspective, color theory, everything. But every time I sit down and try to put something on paper, there's nothing there. I've been drawing things every day for the last four years. Now my hyperfixation on this character and this manga is over and there's nothing left. I've been burning the candle at both ends and I've broken something in the process. Art is no longer something I enjoy. I need art to live and breathe, no doubt, but… the barrel now has a bottom again and it's empty to the last drop.

The little motivation I can muster goes into my webcomic, which is my everything. It's just mine, not a fandom. I feel honored that so many people read this comic. At the same time, I'm afraid that it's not enough; in my eyes, my art doesn't look good. Being surrounded by perfect illustrations on social media all day long distorts one's own perception of art, like the beauty industry that gives you body dysmorphia. On top of that, I haven't had any financial success with my comics in recent years, none at all. The dream of being an independent comic artist has receded so far into the distance that I can no longer see it. Bummer.

The constant stream of content that I gave during my fandom days has set me back incredibly. I can no longer enjoy the process of art, but my brain constantly pushes me to finish it, to have a finished product - because then I can post the drawing and get the virtual handshake that my weird brain likes so much.

Social media detox, of course, is the first thing that comes to mind. It's actually bullshit that we're all so addicted to these apps, but here we are. It's uncomfortable for me to admit, but I have hardly any friends in real life. I'm very introverted and many people find my autism very unpleasant (I can't blame them, I often come across as rude), so I only have 1-2 friends. I would like to have more friends, but maintaining social contact is terribly exhausting. It's hard enough to reply to my mutuals in the DMs (sorryyyyy if I forget sometimes………).

And what if I just take a break for a while and don't draw so much? Recharge my batteries? Right now I'm taking a 6-week break, partly because my jaw surgery is coming up soon. I'll be sick anyway, so why not put the webcomic on hiatus and take a break for a while? I don't know if it will work out, but I have a hunch that it won't, because I always have the fast-paced internet in the back of my mind. How can I be a freelancer if I don't do fanart? How can I make money with it to help my partner, who is currently financing our lives, financially? How can I, as a disabled person, find a job that I can do and at the same time build my career as an artist? As an independent comic artist, I have to do the job of so many people (artist, author, manager, taxes, work organization), how am I supposed to do that?

I have no answers to these questions. Original works don't go nearly as well as fanart! So you have to work ten times as hard and play by the vague rules of the algorithms, which is exhausting enough. Nowadays, you can only be lucky and ride the viral wave if it falls into your lap.

But reflecting on my time in a huge fandom has made me realize that I was going down a very wrong path and am now experiencing the consequences. I'm completely burnt out and no longer know why I'm even making art anymore. I don't know if I want to make art much longer. (I think shit-life-syndrome plays a big role here, but not exclusively.)

As I said, I don't have any answers - but I would at least like to warn those who are having difficulties with distancing themselves from the internet and are quickly losing themselves in this maelstrom of social media.

I have since deleted Twitter from my smartphone and, fortunately, have hardly ever used TikTok (dodged a bullet there!). I try to get back into traditional art and get away from my computer. I am all the more grateful to the people, my community, so to speak, who do nonsense with me on tumblr. They read my comics and are extremely nice to me, which I really appreciate. Thank you!

I don't know yet if and how it will continue, but I would like to finish Berserkir in the next few years. I'd love to find a way to finish all the short comics I want to make, even though it's just me and not a whole team. Maybe I'll find a way, maybe I don't. Anyways, thanks for sticking around!

[battybrownboo]

so silly of me I think I sent asks to ur other deactivated account.

I just wanted to praise ur writing, I love everything you've written and I find that u really nail the atmosphere and characterization

This Strange Effect is the title of a song I like so i immediately was raising eyebrows on ur newest long fic and I'm already obsessed!!! First of all I LOVE space fics esp with these two, there's really not enough of them and the ones I've read are always fun!

I have a theory (if u could even call it that) that the reason the bond didn't appear to have an effect on joker as much as it did on Bruce was bc joker is just always that intense about bats and is used to not acting out on that impulse at every given moment

I'm so excited for chapter 2 <3

Soooo you got me aha. That's pretty much it! Joker is so in tune with his emotions regarding his love for Bruce and Bruce... isn't. It will be fun to show yall how this plays out with Bruce basically forced to feel his desires for the damn clown twink. The effects of the soul bond in general will leave the fic chock full of Bruce and Joker confronting their connection and the best part will be the Justice League being forced to witness it lol.

And ding ding ding again, "This Strange Effect" is a song by The Kinks that I really like. It just fit so perfectly as a fic title. My spotify has been completely taken over by batjokes music and I pulled that one from one of my many playlists of them.

I'm glad you're enjoying the scifi/ space element! I'm loving it too, like, it's such a landmine for comedic situations. Part of me choosing this JL/ space element was watching the animated series and asking the question "what if Joker was there too?" during the many space mission episodes because the joker brain rot is that bad now. Like, I recently read some of JL in the new 52s and watched the animated adaptation "Justice League War" that made me think okay if Bruce saw Joker was one of the people kidnapped by parademons, I would have lost my shit imagining a space rescue. And the scenarios kept swirling in my head until we got here. Anyway, yeah, Joker in space, always a good and stressful time for all lol.

Thanks for leaving such a nice comment, it made my day. I can't wait to publish more for you to read!

[theoutlawfaleena]

Hey there! 👋 Not sure if this account is still used by you 🥹 but I wanna share some brainrot anyway. 😊

I dislike how COD manages to rot my brain every few months 🙄 and is then not quiet, but silent for another few months 😶‍🌫️ so I apologise for being here and not being here sometimes. 🫠👍

By the way, this brainrot is a mix of tiktok headcanons and my own. 🤝

Alright; I was thinking a bit about König in the past week. 🥰 Yk, think of him as a character that isn't an infant that constantly needs help. 🤠 So, what's the opposite of a school kid? You guessed it, a murderer! 😌

Now before you think: "Zombie-Anon, what the fuck are you talking about??" 😳 Let me arrange the rest of the pictures. 😉e

In König's backstory, bullying plays quite a big role 😤 and I think he joined the military at the age of 17 (either canonically of some other tumbler theorised that) which ain't common in Austria. 🇦🇹⛰️🍻

So... what if the bullying got so bad 😟 that he snapped one day and either did kill one bully or simply attempted to do it. 🫢

Now, based on what my sister just told me, this would result in teenjail, some massive amount of rehabiliation and therapy and probably no entry into the military... 😬 but since this is Call of Duty I'm gonna ignore that. 😎

Or if we do want to stay realistic, 🤔😥 König 100% has murderous thoughts. Stop supervising him and he'll strike at whoever he's mad at. 🤩 This man is filled with rage, murder, metal and the ability to kill casually. 👍

And since it has been some time, I have fully stopped working on my Zombie-AU simply because I've got no motivation for that anymore. 🥲 Instead I've been reworking a COD OC of mine, whose really slaying now 😏 and I have no idea how I was able to create the thing I made at the very beginning?? She was bland, had an uninteresting backstory and no spice whatsoever. 😒 I also created an OC that's like, sort of the opposite of her snd he slays a lot as well. 😌

I love traumatised characters, they're my favourite flavour.

Signing off, Zombie-Anon. 🧟💛

oh my gosh. zombie anon. i'm so happy to hear from u 🥺 u and i both are just going thru phases of falling off the face of the earth i fear 😭 i do still pop in on this acc from time to time but life has been life-ing and i haven't been able to write or do anything with it in a rlly long time 🥺 and every time i do get motivation i fear the hype has since passed on, so i just kinda pop in and check every now and then and then skedaddle 😔

listen 😳 u know how much i love unhinged könig,, i 100% think he has some pent up rage from his youth and mayhaps it manifests in some battlefield behaviors 🫶🏻 he absolutely has the capacity to snap necks on a whim and u know what?? i support his rights and his wrongs.

i would be lying if i said i'm not mourning the zombie au rn 💔💔 but i totally understand losing motivation for something and moving on to better things. never lose ur creativity. i'm excited to see what else u have to share 🫶🏻

[away-ward]

hi, i’ve always been too shy to comment or send asks before but i’m making this my first bc i wanted to let you know how much i appreciate your work! i read your hell yeah fanfic a couple of months ago & when i stumbled upon it again recently & found a whole master list worth of fanfics added, i was super ecstatic & read all of them in one go hahaha

my personal favourites are reality & arrival <3 reality bc their conversation in the carfax room was so in line w their characters, it just re-emphasised how much i wish we got more of willemmy outside of blackchurch. having a scene like that in nightfall would’ve really grounded them as a couple in the present. all the snippets from the first three books plus the high school chapters of willemmy were such good buildup only to have the willalexaydin bs instead 🤧 anyways, i have a soft spot for arrival too. to have the damon & indie dynamic play out like that makes so much sense! damon & will already have such a strong & unique bond so for will, of all his friends, to have the first girl in the group would definitely make their relationship extra special.

on a side note, your post abt aydin being a few years older than canon made me lose my shit btw since i completely agree 😩 whenever i’m in my devil’s night brain rot, i always pictured him like 6 years older especially w how penelope douglas was trying to portray aydin & emory together. oh & your timeline for the character’s ages made me happy! it never occurred to me for will to be the oldest of the horsemen (which i’ve seen a few ppl comment on). given his may birthdate, i just assumed he was born the following year after michael, kai, & damon were. i mean, it makes sense right?? he’s the baby of the four. i could be wrong but then that would mean damon is the youngest which i refuse to imagine for some reason given all the shit he’s been up to 💀

this post is getting longer than i expected & i could probably continue rambling on but i just wanted to thank you again for your contribution 🙏🏽 this fandom has practically a drought in fan fiction unless it’s for second gen but seeing as kaibanks & willemmy (my biases) were done dirty in the series, your account has truly been such a gem to follow.

It’s nice to hear from you!! I’ve definitely been on the fence about whether to reach out to someone or not but I’m so happy that you decided to leave this message. It really made my day.

I feel that ‘reality’ is the closest I’ve ever come to getting Em and Will right. I also a snuck in a few references that are dear to me, so it’s special in my eyes, despite its needed edits. It was originally a request, so I can’t take all the credit for it, but I’m just so I’m happy that it’s one of your favs.

And ‘arrival’ has been a personal HC of mine for a long time. It took me a while to get out onto a page, so it’s great to hear that it’s struck home with others too.

A lot of my fics are borne out of that ‘we didn’t get to see this in the book but we should have’ and ‘what would have happened if…?’ feeling. Having had the chance to speak to other fans, I know I’m not alone in that, so it’s nice that so many people are finding my fics...fulfilling? I know other writers could do better, but until then, I’m happy to be around to fill a void.

Ahhh! The aydin age thing! Thank you! Anytime Aydin’s age is brought up in NF I’m like, ‘no you’re lying. You’re, like, 32/33.” But nope. He’s 26???? smh. Missed opportunity. It could have done so much for his character to just age him up a bit.

Regarding the timeline…as much as I would have loved for Will to the oldest…I think he is the baby. For clarification, I think Michael, Kai, and Damon were born in 1994 and Will in 1995. I didn’t want to give actual years in the post because I think the vibe that PD was going for was a timeless/infinite ‘this could be taking place at any point in time’. except for the points where they put in things that would date the books, the years and timing were purposefully left vague. I didn’t want to take that away by giving concrete dates. But I stayed up til an ungodly hour on a work night, going over this stupid timeline with a friend who has never read the series because trying to untangle it in my head was driving me absolutely nuts. So I had to record it somewhere.

In the chart, they all start the school year the same age* and then end the school year the same age, but within that nine months, it goes Michael, Kai, Damon all before Devil’s Night on October 30th, the new year, and finally Will in May.

That being said, at one point we did get stuck on whether Will was actually the oldest and I loved what it did for his character too. If at some point, he got held back a grade, it would go to why he’s a bit insecure, feels like he’s the dumbest in the group, and doesn’t trust himself to act on his own. I kinda wish Will had some sort of learning disability like dyslexia or ADHD because I think it would contribute to his lack of interest in school and strengthen his addiction storyline. None of that is canon and I don’t HC that it is. I just kinda wish it was there…

But according to my calculations, Will is the baby of the group, and of his family. That, along with his privilege, can also explain why he is the why he is.

Also Damon being the youngest would be hilarious and I wish it were so.

No worries, I as a wordy rambler myself, I appreciate everything you had to say. Feel free to drop by any time. I talk way too much, but it’s nice to get this devil’s night brain rot, as you so accurately termed, out to others who understand.

Thank you so much for your message and have a great day!

*well, if the school year starts in August, which some places in the US do. Others start in September, in which case, Michael will already be the next age up at the start of the year.

[justapieceintheirgames]

hi maryam hiii i see u on an orv reblogging spree and i NEED to know how far along u are in the novel. thoughts? comments? insults at kdj? 👀🎤

gaby baby my jaw lowkey dropped when I got your message because I was JUST thinking about you :')) getting more and more convinced that we're truly long lost twins hehe also hi hi how are you? I missed talking to you! 

THE CALL OUT??? 🤣 ig my Tumblr reflected the inside of my brain for a hot minute bc ORV has completely consumed my every waking thought like I'm not joking when I say it's the last thing I think of before sleeping and the first thing I think of when waking up most days... 😭 I'm forever grateful to you for passing on the incurable brain rot, it has been life-changing and I say that completely unironically :'))

Wahhh also I'm honestly touched that you care to hear my reactions odsjs you're really too sweet... 🥺♥️ so ty for handing over the mic (you will regret it) 🎤 ahem..

-spoilers under the cut!!-

Soo I've made it to the Journey to the West episode!! 🎉 And man is this arc a dark horse. I understand ZERO of the historical references which made me doubt how much I could get fully immersed into it at first but it's honestly been sooo refreshing and fun, one of my faves so far 😭 Shout out to the authors for fr deciding 70% into the book to let the characters take a break and go on a silly goofy enrichment scenario (I say this now but...watch it have the most twisted conclusion probably KSJSJSJ) ALSO SUN WUKONG IS SOO COOL!!! 😳

WITH ALL THAT BEING SAID it still has been emotional MY GOD, for example this campfire scene 

oh 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹

and

SHIN YOOSOUNG, SHIN YOOOSOOOOOOUNGGGGGGGG, SHIN YOOOOOOOOSOOOOOOOOOUNGNNGNGNGNGNGN. 

THEIR BOND IS EVERYTHING //////WAILS////////

also kdj knew that revealing his identity would get him turned into an outer being but he did it anyway....he loves his companions so much that he just couldn't stay away....

he despises his mother for sacrificing herself for him because he saw it as the most selfish act of betrayal. she never asked. it was never what he wanted. he was left all alone after. yet he does the exact same thing to his companions time and time, again and again. because it's the only type of love he's ever known. he never stopped to consider how his actions could affect those around him before because he was always alone. he doesn't view his life as valuable so he doesn't realise just how much he hurts the others when he throws it away without a second thought. because he doesn't understand that he can be valued. in his head his literal survival comes second to his companions being "safe" and "happy." what he doesn't GET is that that his companion's happiness and his survival are interlinked!! IS ANYONE GONNA TELL HIM THIS? Will he even listen if they do........SIGH. I get why yjh choked and threw him off that bridge now. 

...SPEAKING OF YJH.....

I stopped reading right as they revealed that it's not really his 3rd turn but rather the 1864th turn and he just forgot all his memories...and excuse my language but WHAT THER DUKC??/.WJAT THE FUKC. I almost had a stroke reading this last night because HWTA THE FUKC,..>????? GABY WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT

(mfw the-longer-than-the-actual-bible ORV webnovel reveals a plot twist after 3177 pages that completely recontextualizes the entirety of the story from chapter ONE . HOW.)

Also speaking of world lines and different regressions the.........secretive plotter reveal also had me losing my absolute mind at like 2AM in the morning HEHE

Sorry but I will NOT be holding THIS MAN accountable for ANYTHING because I support the wrongdoings of hot evil ppl actually and EVIL YJH??? just feels like an absolute fever dream. this is SO UP MY ALLEY (off topic but when everyone theorised the hat man in Link Click would be CXS and it wasn't I was slightly disappointed because of the implications™ and wasted potential angst™ WHICH WE DEFINITELY GOT IN THE END ANYWAY HAHA but ORV was like...don't worry....I gotchu)

For this line alone IDGAFFFFF he's soo.. he stores his memories in different flavoured biyoo-sized yjhs (!?!) and quite frankly he can do absolutely whatever he wants. Sorry I'm awfully biased but this is the same yoo joonghyuk whose eyebrows appear to be drawn by a single uninterrupted stroke of a famed artists brush we are talking about.... btw that completely unprovoked and infamous paragraph absolutely killed me.......Gaby I fr had to put the book down because of second-hand embarrassment.......KIM DOKJA WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!!!

Speaking of which I'm so glad that you brought up bullying kdj because similarly to how old people get together to play bingo I feel like this could totally be our shared hobby ^__^ 

KDJ is...well, a lot of things. He's dead AND alive, he's the smartest man in the star stream but he failed his college entrance exams, he has 666 layers of trauma like the world's most fucked up lasagna, he's as powerful as he is powerless, he's lonely when surrounded by loved ones, he has mommy issues, and then to top it all off, he's bisexual? Like DAMN!! Pick a struggle 😔

I remember asking you in the early days why he was your favourite character and..I get it now :') THOUGH PLS do drop all your reasoning down below, we might as well get an orv party going now ⬇️

I'm doing SUCH a disservice to the girls by focusing so much on the losers dudes btw because my not-so-controversial opinion is that ORV has the best female cast in probably...all of media tbh 🫣 but also I fear this message is already getting out of hand so I'll save the ensuing madness for my replies to our ongoing Tumblr chat thesis (IT'S IN THE BACK OF MY MIND, I SWEAR I'LL FINISH REPLYING!! I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN <-- tch, the same of which cannot be said about yjh--)

OKAY FRRR I'M SHUTTING UP NOW, I hope this incomprehensible mess of a message provided you with some entertainment 🤣

If you made it all the way to the end then you deserve a treat fr (pspsp: https://x.com/Phobe2297/status/1801710372954771485?t=PD4k1HEul7U4TJNPjVDt4Q&s=19 & https://x.com/uglycumi/status/1723185548230349077?t=2SnBVpVdMzPPOLZuPrGENw&s=19 🍭)

HAVE A GREAT DAY/WEEK/HOWEVER LONG UNTIL WE TALK NEXT :'D ilysm and always wish that the same happiness you so effortlessly reflect onto others reaches back to you too 💞💖💗✨

[wri0thesley]

thank you for infecting me with total naoya brain rot, nat. can i request a breeding kink scenario with him and curvy, thick reader that he thinks looks perfect for bearing him an heir 👀 feel free to make him as nasty as you want, i love to read about this absolute trash fire of a man

Covet - Naoya x Fem!Reader (3.6k)

Naoya wants something from you - you see a chance to get something you want too.

warnings: afab reader, fem pronouns. breeding. power imbalance (reader is a maid at the zen’in estate). talk of pregnancy, knives, misogyny, fingering, coming inside/creampies. the mandatory warning that this fic is about naoya.

You are fairly certain that Naoya Zenin does not know whether you exist. If he has ever noticed you attending to your duties, so much lower and less important than he, he probably doesn’t like you.

At least, you did not think he liked you before this moment. Even now, with his hands on your hips and your body pressed flush against the wall outside his chambers, you’re not certain – there’s a weight to the way he’s holding you, a twist to his lips that you can see from where your cheek has met cool wallpaper. He looks like he’s considering you; sizing you up.

Your cheeks burn as he sizes up your lower half, eyes tracing your hips and ass and thighs without even a hint of remorse, as if it’s his god-given right to look upon you like this even though you’ve barely ever spoken more than a cursory polite; ‘I brought you this, Sir’. That’s what you’ve been taught to do.

Be respectful, stick to the shadows, do what you’re told. It’s an honour to serve the Zenin clan, it’s an honour to be here in the estate – it’s an honour to get a brief moment of any of their time, even if they’re just making demands on you. You sometimes hate yourself, for not being born one of them - you want, you want, you want, like a physical ache. The luxury. The nice treatment. People to think that you merely blessing them with a look is an honour--

It’s an especial honour to be worth Naoya’s time – everybody knows that he’s going to be the next leader. There are always rumours buzzing around the grounds about him; about his power, about his temper, about his personality . . . about which pretty young woman he’ll make his wife and have beside him to rule the clan.

You’re brought back to what’s currently happening by his hands sliding down from where he is clinging onto your hips, generously tracing the curve, admiring just how broad they are.

“Pity you have to hide beneath that,” he says, smirking. Your cheeks are hot. “You’re pretty, you know. At least. . .” One hand moves from your hip, thumb and forefinger squeezing your cheeks to turn them more thoroughly towards him. He looks entirely unruffled by the situation, every inch of him at ease that you will bend to what he wants. “Your body is pretty.” Eyes scan over your face, and you’re suddenly aware of every imperfection, every feature you’ve ever scrutinised. “Hm. Not bad either.”

“I . . . I don’t understand,” You find yourself breathing. He raises one elegant eyebrow. The hand that’s on your hip moves, tracing the plush of your ass through fabric, his lip curling into a smirk. He presses a little bit forward and you feel something stiff press against your other cheek (the one not occupied by his hand) – and your throat goes dry as you realise precisely what he means.

Oh.

Oh.

You should run. Good girls do not do what Naoya wants you to do. You have duties to attend to! You have things that must be done, lest your seniors sigh and tut at you and punish you for neglecting your work. But your throat is very dry and your heart is pounding and there is suddenly a strange twist of heat low in your gut, as Naoya Zenin looks down at you with the air of a man who will devour you if you let him.

You can’t deny it’s thrilling to be wanted – more thrilling to be wanted by someone like him.

“I’ll give you ten seconds,” he says, and his tone is patronising. “If you don’t want me to take you to bed and fuck you, I suggest you make yourself scarce.”

He says it so openly, so brazenly – you suppose that’s what comes of being born into this family. He has nothing to fear in these walls. Not like you.

You imagine yourself underneath him for a second, his hair in disarray, hakama abandoned, his perfectly composed face twisted in pleasure. You should not go to his bed. But . . . you want to. And don’t you deserve something you want, when you’ve spent your entire life watching other people enjoy it?

“You don’t need to,” you breathe, swallowing. Naoya pulls back in amusement, his eyes darkening. He seems so much taller and stronger than you. Even swathed in fabric, it’s clear that there is muscle and strength beneath the clothes. He has been trained to within an inch of his life since the day he was born. He makes a considering noise in the back of his throat. A thumb trails over your cheek.

“Are you sure about that?” The smirk in his voice says that he knows you are. “I won’t be gentle with you, you know. I don’t have all day to romance you. I just want to get you on your back . . .” His thumb slides over your jawline, past your earlobe, until he’s taken a hank of your hair and yanks it back roughly, exposing your throat and making you gasp. “And fuck a son into you.”

He must see the look on your face, because he laughs, the sound cruel even to your ears. He’s still pressed so close to you. Nobody who walked down this hallway would mistake the embrace the two of you were currently in for anything clandestine. You suppose he has nothing to worry about – but your reputation? He’d ruin you for marriage.

“Come on,” he murmurs, chuckling. “Have you seen yourself? You’re made for bearing a child, sweetheart.” The pet name is almost mocking, but your heart skips a beat anyway. “Don’t worry too much. You don’t think I could take care of you, if you carried my heir? You’re a servant, right? You already know how to behave.” His smile is like a wolf. “So, I give you my word that if it takes, I’ll take care of you. Sounds fair, huh?” He jerks on your hair again. “Ten seconds,” he reminds you. “If you want to get out of it. You don’t think there are girls lining up around the block to have me?”

(Judging by the whispers about him, you actually don’t think there are – but judging from Naoya’s eyes, he certainly thinks so.)

He lets go. He steps back. His eyes are still on you, but he raises his arms either side of him as if to show you that you’re free to go. And you do consider it – you let the possibility of running flicker through your head. It’s quickly replaced by the thought of Naoya on top of you, an end to the aching between your legs, and the knowledge of just how you might be treated if Naoya did succeed in his mission.

It’s fine to want nice things, every once in a while.

“Five,” he says, warningly, but his eyes are dark with hunger. “Four. Three.”

You turn towards his bedroom door and grasp the handle, and he laughs, the sound very loud.

“Oh,” he says, “so you’re going to be fun.”

The minute his bedroom door clicks behind him, Naoya wastes no time on being on you. He’s full throttle, immediately – hands pulling at your clothes, rough, his mouth on your neck. He avoids your mouth, like he doesn’t quite want to kiss you – but as you bite back a moan as he nips at your throat and he groans in response at the noise, you realise that he wants to hear you.

Figures a man like that wants the reassurance that you’re enjoying yourself. Figures he wants to crow over every whimper that drops from your lips. Hands pull at your kimono, almost ripping it in his hurry to have the fabric out of his way and on the floor. You barely even notice he’s been pushing you across the room until you’re pushed hard down, and your back meets pillows and sheets instead of the floor.

The way you fall makes a perfect tableaux; the material of your outfit pooling around you, your body in the middle of it, clad in only your underwear. His light eyes rake over you hungrily.

“Fuck,” he says. His hands immediately go to your hips, thumbs pressing hard into the soft flesh. You barely fit in his hands, the curve of you dramatic. “You’re going to be perfect for this, huh? Look at you. It’s a fucking shame you’re not knocked up right now--”

Your body reacts to his touch and his look, though you can’t help but be embarrassed by it – it’s one thing to be entranced by someone pretty, you think, but it’s another thing to be entranced by the idea of how pretty someone will look when their stomach is swollen and their breasts have swelled and their hips have filled out because they’re bearing your child.

He doesn’t bother with unclipping your bra. He reaches into his hakama and panic flashes before your eyes when he pulls out a knife, but he uses it merely to slice the gore between your bra cups, right between the cute bow adorning them.

“I—I liked that,” you say, but your voice sounds very wobbly in the room, under Naoya’s gaze, under his hands. He snorts.

“I like you better without it,” he says shortly, as if your likes and dislikes are not a consideration to be taken into account. For him, you suppose they’re not. “Besides.” Hands travel from your hips to cup your breasts, squeezing the meat of the mounds so that you groan and arch your back, desire pooling between your legs. “I wanted to see these. I wanted to touch them.” He grins. “I wanted to imagine how nice they’re going to look when they get bigger.”

He squeezes the point of each of your nipples, so hard that the pleasure almost becomes pain.

“I think I’ll leave marks on you,” he says, conversationally. He pulls an arm back and suddenly has slapped you, your breast stinging, a brief imprint of his hand showing on your skin. He admires how your breast moves with the force – you’re too surprised to even make a noise of pain. “Good girl. I want you to remember how I feel when we’re done.”

You don’t think you could forget. You definitely can’t forget the sting of the second slap, this one making you moan – it hurts, but part of it feels good to be marked by him. You definitely can’t forget his thumbs hooking into your underwear, dragging it past your thighs – the way that he drinks in the wet patch on the fabric. You definitely don’t think you’ll be able to forget the chuckle that leaves his mouth as he spreads your thighs and sees your sex for the first time, already slick.

“You like being treated rough, huh?” He asks you. There’s that grin again; a predator, a man who has never been told no, a man who doesn’t know what it’s like to not have everything he has ever wanted at his fingertips. “Good. I like playing rough.”

He still doesn’t kiss you. He dives his head down, though, his teeth once more nipping at your neck, at your breast, tongue lathing across your nipples. One of his hand delves between your legs, spreading the plump labia, fingers briefly stroking your clit and sending a hot bolt of lightning all through you.

“That’s right,” he murmurs, as he pushes a finger inside of you. You’re slick and tight around his digits, hot and silky – one of his fingers alone is like a vice. You’re going to feel so good. He doesn’t much care whether his cock hurts you or not – but he wants you to be so fucked out by the time he’s come inside you that you don’t care about him leaving your legs propped up so not a single trickle of come leaks out of you. He doesn’t want a whimpering little bitch in his bed – he wants someone who’ll lie there, patiently, prettily, and let him make sure it takes.

You’re going to be good for that, he knows it. With a body like that, and eyes like that, and a clear longing for something better than the shitty hand you’ve been dealt? Oh, yes. You might not know it, but Naoya likes you immensely.

That you’re a servant, who’s been taught your place - that you’ll look at the ground respectfully and walk behind him and agree to whatever he says, like women should? Even better. Perfect. Fuck any of those snooty young women of a clan who think that just because they were born with a name, they were somehow more than a cunt for breeding--

Two fingers. This one gets a cry from you, almost too full – Naoya clicks his tongue against his teeth. He’s not patient, but he slows down, scissoring you open. One of your hands seems to flex out as if going to grab his bicep – but thinks better of it, clutching for purchase on the bed instead. Cute.

He can’t help but watch his fingers dive in and out of you, already coated in your liberal slick. They already look so good – he can’t even imagine how good his cock will look, hilted so deep in you he’s all you can feel.

Three fingers. You’re making soft little noises, circling your hips – there’s a coil in your belly that Naoya’s fingers are stoking in a way you didn’t expect, one that you feel like you’re so close to getting to spring forth – he slides his fingers out of you as he feels you tightening and tensing around him. If you’re close enough to come on his fingers, he reasons, you’re close enough to take his cock.

He didn’t expect to be so entranced by how pretty you looked, all curves and soft on his bed – but there’s time for that later. Right now, his cock is driving a hole through his own underwear. The thought of fucking his seed into you, of having you coming around his cock . . . you moan in frustration at the lack of stimulation as his hands busy themselves peeling off his own clothes.

“What’s the matter?” He asks you, a little breathless. You don’t notice that – good. He hates people witnessing weakness. “You need to be filled up?”

“I—” your teeth dig into your bottom lip, and Naoya has the urge to kiss you that he pushes back.

Not now. Not yet. Not while you’re still scum. He can transform you, and maybe you’ll be worthy of that – but right now, you’re an empty shell, and Naoya needs to mould you into something fuller and better before he’ll lower himself to brush his lips over your own. That’s too intimate. That’s too much.

“You don’t need to use your words,” he purrs. “You’re soaking wet.”

You urge your thighs further apart as Naoya’s clothes slip off of him and you see his cock jutting proud against his stomach. You haven’t had much experience to know whether it’s a nice cock, whether he’s big – but Naoya grins when he sees you looking, ferocity sparking in his expression.

“You may as well look at it,” he tells you, “because it’s going to be buried inside you in just a moment--”

He’s on the bed, his body on top of yours. His hands are clinging to the hips he’s admired so much, his grip tight enough to mark. His face is close enough that you can see the sculpt of his lips and the fan of his eyelashes, the dark pupils. The wet head of his cock smears precome on your thigh as he positions himself at your entrance – and as he sinks inside, your body welcomes him.

He hisses in fluid pleasure as his cock descends inside of you inch by slow, inexorable inch – the stretch, the burn, the slick fluid pleasure. This time, one of your hands does find purchase on his shoulder – but Naoya is enjoying the feeling of your walls kissing his cock, embracing him tight and deep, too much to snap at you for being such an insolent thing. Your nails leave little crescent moon marks in his shoulder that he decides to forgive. After all – you’ll have bruises in the shape of his handprints tomorrow, he knows it. He doesn’t have a single crumb of shame about it.

If he gets his way, you’ll have more than just those as a mark of tonight. He hilts inside you, his skin pressing hot against yours. You’re so full – he feels so very deep, buried as far as he can go. All of your breath has been knocked out of you.

Your eyes meet his for just a moment.

“Better hold on,” he tells you. “I told you I wouldn’t be gentle.”

The first pull out is swift, immediately thrusting back inside you with such force that your body rocks on the bed. He wasn’t lying about not being gentle; his hips quickly establish a punishing rhythm, helped along by the slick glide of your channel, the wetness leaking around his cock. He pulls you a little with every thrust, the hands on his hips assisting him being able to watch his cock drive in and out of your sex. It’s a mark of the strength he has that the only sign that you weigh anything at all is a huff of breath in between his thrusts – you’ve never exactly felt delicate  in your life, but something about Naoya’s way of handling you makes you think that he could break you in half if he tried.

That is, if his rough thrusts in and out of you don’t split you in two first. You give up trying to do anything other than hold onto him, your mouth dropping open in a series of wordless wails and moans.

(Naoya prefers quiet women, he has to admit – but there’s something endearing about you giving up in bed, giving yourself to him in voice as well as body. Perhaps he doesn’t mind a loud woman, as long as the reason she’s loud is because he’s fucking her silly).

His skin slaps against your skin. The sound mixes with your own whimpers and gasps, Naoya’s quieter breathing, the embarrassingly wet sounds of his cock plunging in and out of you. The release that was denied to you earlier with his fingers is creeping back up on you again, all hot pleasure and tight tension. With every thrust, Naoya is hitting a spot amongst your plush walls that has your eyes rolling back in your head and your body all hot and needy. He doesn’t care if you come, really – this isn’t about you – but . . . just another of those things he supposes he could get used to, as the ball of pleasure inside of you finally unravels and you feel yourself come.

And oh, he could get used to that feeling too – how your walls pulsate around him, pulling his cock tighter inside of you, practically milking him. His hips just get faster, snapping against you like a man possessed – heh. Isn’t that funny?

Your chest is heaving, but he’s enjoying the feel of your hips too much to play with your tits again. When they’re all swollen with milk and bigger and rounder, he’ll probably fuck you again, slower . . . and then, he’ll get his feel of touching them. Just like he’ll get his feel of your thighs even plusher, your stomach rounder, your hips even better in his grip--

It’s those thoughts that push him over the edge. Your body softened and rounded with his child – his son, his heir. You’re fucking perfect for it. He groans, his hips snapping and driving so deep inside you that you think he’ll break – and then, he’s groaning, and his cock is pulsing inside you as the sensation of his come painting your walls hot and thick overtakes your senses.

He pumps his cock a few more times inside of you after the initial release, as if he’s trying to push his seed even further within you. You’re shuddering, exhausted, your body aching – and so, you don’t argue beyond a soft noise of pain at the unpleasant prickle as he pulls his cock out of you. You don’t argue when he slides a pillow beneath your hips and says;

“Keep your legs bent like that.”

Naoya takes a moment to admire you. Your pretty cunt is darkened from his aggressive fucking, clit swollen, slick with your own desire-- he frowns as he notices a drop of something whiter and thicker. That won’t do. Two fingers roughly push his come back into you, pressing it deeply, making you groan and your hips weakly thrust against them.

It’s cute that you’re still welcoming to his fingers; that your sex still sucks them in as if it’s greedy to be fucked again. Your eyes are half-lidded, glassy – your lips bitten dark. He thinks he could fuck you again and you wouldn’t even complain.

Yes. He grins at you. Give it a little while, to make sure his come takes – and then, he thinks, he will fuck you again. There’s no harm in being thorough, right?

[kenmaskitten10]

Dilf Deku Headcanons

Midoriya Izuku x GN!Reader

warnings: swearing, NSFW themes (nothing graphic just briefly mentioned),brief mention of bullying/scars, idk this is pretty tame nothing is really described... if u don't like dilfs then don't read this :)

a/n: okay! this is my first time writing/publishing anything on Tumblr so please go easy on me haha... I've had ridiculous Deku brain rot lately and I decided I had to jot a few thoughts down. I'm playing with the idea of turning this into a writing blog, but I am undecided! If anyone wants to thirst for one Izuku Midoriya please come talk to me please anyway without further ado here are some Dilf!Deku hcs.... I'm playing around with doing a NSFW version after this so if you would like to see that let me know!

w/c: 1,498

Okay everyone today I want to talk about Dilf!Izuku

This may be controversial but I personally believe that he has the most Dilf potential out of any of the class 1A boys and no I will not be taking criticism at this time

Sorry but even when he’s younger he has Dilf energy - he’s caring, considerate, takes your feelings into account like a dad he just wants to take care of his baby

oh fuck this man no no no

And listen, here me out on this one….. he has more dilf potential than Bakugo and allow me to tell you why

We can all agree that Bakugo has been confident his entire life, so of course he’s going to be confident when he’s older?? duh

But IZUKU is a different story altogether, he’s never felt confident in his life

His whole childhood he was looked down on for being quirkless, and bullied by someone he thought was his friend kachaan

THEN he got a quirk but oh every time he uses it it breaks all his fucking bones and leaves him with all these scars, and he appreciates them because of what they represent but also he’s young when he gets them, he’s already prone to insecurity and when he’s younger ESPECIALLY i think they just remind him of previous failures

He only started to gain a little bit of confidence in his UA days, but it takes time to rebuild yourself after you’ve been torn down for so long, so I honestly imagine he doesn’t even feel an inkling of confidence until his third year or later and even then, it’s new, it’s unfamiliar, he doesn’t totally know how to act

Because yes, by his third year, he’s starting to realize, oh wow okay, I have an incredible quirk and all these new abilities that I can control better, and wow people are paying attention for good reasons , because he’s tall and attractive, probably cuts his hair undercut Izuku supremacy and he’s made some solid friends who help boost his confidence too

But despite all this, deep down he still feels like that quirkless little kid who has to work three times as hard as anyone else and still doesn’t get the recognition he deserves

But OH BOY

DILF IZUKU??? This man is dripping with confidence

he’s older now. he’s overcome a lot. he’s gone to therapy, and worked his way through the pro hero ranks until he earned his number one spot fair and square, that’s something no one can take away from him

He’s loaded now (see below because I go on a whole tangent), he has nice tasteful style that can only come with age and experience

He knows he’s hot now, because its simply no longer something that can be denied, anyone with eyes can see how attractive he is

If he catches you staring at him, he doesn’t shy away. His cheeks might tint slightly, but he stares right back with the biggest smirk on his face. “See something you like, angel?”

Probably finds reasons to show off slightly but he’s Dilf!Izuku so it’s subtle, it’s meant just for you and god does it drive you crazy

The way he’ll reach for and grab at things when he’s around you because he knows you like his hands (he wants to hold your bags and please let him he just wants to feel needed)

They way he stands behind you while you cook, or work, or read…. He sees you sitting or standing so peacefully and he’ll come up behind you to check out what it is you’re doing. He’ll lean down slowly, quietly, stopping when his breath is on your neck and your nose is filled with his scent, and take a quick peek at whatever it is you’re working on. It takes you a moment to turn around, your heart starting to beat faster in your chest due to his looming presence behind you (I DON’T KNOW WHY THIS IS HOT TO ME IT JUST IS OKAY). When you finally turn to face him, his face breaks into a small smile of victory as his strong hand catches your jaw in a gentle grip and he places an achingly soft kiss to your lips before saying “You look so cute when you’re concentrating,”. As you’re about to go in for another, he lets you go and stands up again, his eyes twinkling. “No no, you’re working so hard baby, don’t let me distract you,” WHEN ALL HE WANTED WAS TO DISTRACT YOU and he succeeded and now you’re all hot and bothered, with no hope of resuming what you were doing

Dilf Deku is a tease I know he is but it’s okay he’ll make it up to you later ;)

He’s got shorter, slightly more cropped hair with grey mixed in with the green, his face more lean and angular… not to mention years of pro hero work have toned his body into an absolute work of art I’m gonna pass out just thinking about it

Freckles splashed across his skin like hundreds of little constellations, accented by scars and marks from old wounds (which he’s come to appreciate - they show how hard he’s worked, how much he’s sacrificed to get to where he is now) he’s muscular but I don’t think he’s quite as big as All Might (his fighting style is a lot different so of course he would build muscle in different places) so this means LEGS LEGS LEGS

LEG MUSCLES FOR DAYS

THICK FUCKING THIGHS oh my god

And holy shit his back muscles too WHEW sometimes in the morning when he gets up before you, you watch him sit on the edge of the bed and flex his shoulders and arms to stretch out in the hazy morning light and Jesus Christ

Dilf Deku is older now, he’s spent his entire life working himself too hard and he missed out on a lot of the fun, impulsive, chaotic things young people do, so I think he wants to let loose a little in his older age, have some fun for once

And what’s more perfect than sweet, youthful, tantalizing little you to indulge in ?

He’s so doting, just wants to make you feel special and cared for

And on that note, if you will indulge me for a moment

he’s fucking RICH like

He’s the number one pro hero, he has brand deals on brand deals on brand deals

And I don’t mean to slander All Might and Endeavor, but in terms of a hot, fuckable number one pro hero, Deku has them beat by a landslide so I imagine he has a wider range of brand deals too, because he can sell the sex appeal angle

I mean can you imagine him in interviews? Interacting with fans? Confident yes, but still soft spoken and kind, almost gentle but anyone can tell he’s completely in control, of himself, of the interview, of the audience, this man has the entire country world wrapped around his little finger

All this to say he’s DRIPPING WITH MONEY

he’s like the guy that overtips an OBSCENE amount like if the waiter is really nice he’ll tip like $300 dollars and won’t even blink (I know they don’t tip at restaurants in Japan but this is more for vibes yk)

sugar daddy deku isn’t a stretch it’s a REALITY

Y’all can be officially together or not, either way Deku loves to spoil his precious little y/n

All you have to do is smile sweetly and ask, and he’s absolute putty in your hands

Complies with even the most egregious of your demands, because hey, he has the money to spare, and how could he say no when you look so cute asking so politely?

GOOD TASTE too like he has a lot of money but he knows how to spend it 😏

Additionally he’s, ya know, him, so he’s insanely charitable and donates to charities, go fund me, personal Venmo accounts of fans that need it

if a fan has like a go fund me for some reason that catches his eye, he’s going to donate and he’s going to donate a lot (A LOT)

he doesn’t even do it for the press, he does it bc he’s a good person but my GOD the press eats it up and so do the fans

These hc’s are so self indulgent but all this to say

Dilf!Deku gets what he wants when he wants it and no one is standing in his way

So when he decides it’s you he wants? Well then it’s you he’s going to get!

[procrastinatingnerd]

Hi everyone! So this was my first time taking part in the @osemanversebigbang but I had so much fun!! I can't wait to read everyone's entries! 💜

Title: Angel Rahimi And The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Lunch Break

Characters: Angel, Juliet, Rowan, Jimmy, Lister, Bliss, two of Angel’s future uni friends (OCs).

Spoilers? Minor spoilers of important events in “I Was Born For This”.

Word Count: 3.6k

Ships: Bicci, one joke about Juliet/Rowan.

~Joan of Arc (Probably)

“I am so fucking tired”

“Right, time’s up, put your pens down.” The exam officer says from the front of the room. I scribble one last sentence before my hand gives out, and I all but throw my pen onto the desk, sighing as dramatically as I can. This week is a fucking nightmare. Exams and assignments are the piss. Fuck uni, I’m ready to drop out. Or drop dead. Either works, honestly.

As I leave the exam hall, I walk past some people from the students’ union. They’re handing out flyers for the Christmas ball next week. My housemates are all planning on going, but my friends and I planned our present swap for that night, so we’re going to spend it eating a fuck ton of snacks and watching the cheesiest Christmas films we can find. I can’t wait, I bought them each a bag of their favourite sweets from the American candy shop, it's going to be so much fun!

But that’s next week. Right now, all I want is to sit at a table that doesn’t have an exam paper on it, and eat something very greasy and very unhealthy. There’s a pizza place just on the edge of campus, run by some of the culinary arts students, and they make the best sauce ever. It’s pretty cheap too, which makes it a favourite for most people, especially at the end of a semester, when everyone’s bank accounts are running low.

I have about an hour until I need to be back in the exam hall, so I take full advantage of the outdoor seating and collapse into a chair after ordering. My pizza is brought out to me not long after, and I breathe in the smell. Nothing has smelt more gorgeous than the slices sitting in front of me. It’s a surprisingly warm day, for December at least, and for a moment, everything feels calm. I can hear a bird singing in a tree somewhere, other students are hanging around campus, most with their noses in their phones or in textbooks, and I actually let myself relax for a bit. I’ve done all the revision I can for this next exam, and I’m in desperate need of a break. I deserve this.

I pick up my first slice of pizza, and bring it up to my mouth. As I’m about to take a bite, however, my phone rings. I put the pizza down with a sigh and answer the phone without looking at who’s calling. Mum probably sensed I wasn’t doing any work, and is calling to check up on me.

“Hello?” I say tiredly.

“Angel, hi! Is this a good time??” I grin at the sound of Juliet’s voice.

“Hell yeah, it’s a perfect time! What’s up?”

“Wait, you don’t know why I’m calling?” Juliet says hesitantly. Shit. What have I forgotten now? I know it’s not her birthday. Wait, is it mine?? I swear exams rot your brain, have I actually forgotten my own birthday?

“No…?” I ask after internally monologuing for way too long.

“Oh my god, you don’t know??” Juliet screeches in my ear, “Angel go look at your phone, it’s urgent!”

Now very concerned, I put Juliet on speaker and, for the first time all morning, actually read the notifications filling my lock screen. I open the Twitter news one, and my mouth drops open in shock.

“Holy shit.”

On my screen is a news article with a headline that reads, “THE ARK’S JIMMY KAGA-RICCI AND LISTER BIRD’S SECRET RELATIONSHIP EXPOSED”, and just below it sits a large photo of Jimmy and Lister, standing outside a pub, kissing. I don’t believe it.

“Holy fu- Hold on a second. Mate, isn’t that the pub by Piero’s house?!” I say, bringing my phone as close to my face as I can, as if that’ll help me see better. There’s a loud shuffling noise on the other end of the line, and then I hear a gasp.

“Oh my god, you’re right!” Juliet says. “Rowan said they were going on holiday, but I thought he meant abroad or something.” I smile at that. Ever since our little jaunt to Kent last summer, Juliet and I have kept in touch with the boys. We even have a group chat now; us and them and even Bliss is in it. I’m so glad we stayed friends.

At first, Rowan was really quiet, and if he did speak he and Juliet would almost always end up arguing, but they’ve been getting along quite well lately. I’m not saying I ship it or anything, I’ve learnt my lesson there, but I have to say, fangirl-to enemies-to lovers would make a wicked fanfiction trope.

“Did you see any of this coming?” Juliet continues. “Surely Jimmy would have said something to you?”

“He said he was dating someone, but didn’t want to give details because they were taking things slow. Well, that and that celebrity phone hacking scandal freaked him right the fuck out, remember?” I say.

"That's

right, he stopped talking on the group chat for like two weeks, didn’t he?” Juliet giggles back. “Well, nevertheless, I’m happy for them. They’re cute together.”

“Yeah, they are.” I grin again. “Oh my god, poor Rowan though! I’d hate to live with a couple, especially a new one! It’d be nauseating.”

“Oh I know, right? And imagine what’ll happen when they have their first fight!” Juliet gasps again. I shudder at the thought.

“I’m muting the group chat when that happens.” I joke.

“Not a bad idea.” Juliet laughs back, then pauses. “Oh, Angel, I’m sorry I’ve got the get going, but do you want to skype later?”

“Yeah, no problem! I’ve got a revision session at 6, but I should be free by 9ish?”

“Sounds perfect! See you then!” Juliet says, and with that, she’s gone, and I’m back to sitting alone with my pizza.

Jimmy and Lister. Holy shit. I don’t think anyone in the fandom saw this coming. Everything has been about Jowan, since the fandom started growing it’s the only ship that ever existed. No one bothered writing fics about any other pairings. The only Jimmy/Lister fics I ever came across were platonic ones, and even they made sure to mention Jimmy’s boyfriend Rowan.

Oh god, I hope they’re okay. The fans got so crazy when Bliss and Rowan’s relationship was exposed. Jimmy/Lister is the final nail in the Jowan coffin. Jimmy must be having the panic attack of his life! I’ve got to-

My phone rings again.

I look down at the screen, and see Jimmy’s name. I take a deep breath, and answer.

“Jimmy, hi! How are-”

“Have you seen it??”

“Yes.”

“Oh god. This isn’t how we wanted to tell you guys.”

“You sure? Because getting caught by the national press worked so well for you last time.” I tease. Silence. Oops, probably not the best thing to remind him of right now.

“Jimmy, you still there?” I say carefully. There’s a slight rustle on his end, which means he probably just nodded. “Everything is going to be fine, I promise. The fans will move on. They already did with Jowan, right?”

“But what if something happens again? Something like-”

“It won’t. You guys have better security now, and you’re doing less public events. You’re going to be fine.” I hope and pray that I’m saying the right things. Jimmy and I have gotten close lately, but I’m nowhere near as good at helping him deal with his anxiety as Rowan and Lister are. There’s more silence, until finally, Jimmy speaks again.

“Okay. Yeah. Yeah I think you’re right. Thanks, Angel.”

“Course I’m right! If there’s one thing I know, it’s fandom drama.” Jimmy laughs, and I grin back. “And don’t forget, you’re not alone in this. This is happening to Lister too, and no doubt Rowan and Bliss will be there to help you. Just talk to them.”

“Thank you Angel, I’ll go do that now.”

“Perfect! Love you Jim, I’ll text you later.” I say, and the call ends.

He’ll be okay. He’s got too many people who love him not to be. I take another breath and put my phone down on the table. As soon as I do, however, it buzzes again, and I see Jimmy is trying to facetime me. Now very concerned, I answer it and hold the phone up so he can see my face properly.

“Jimmy, are you okay, what’s happened??” I ask anxiously, but he looks fine. He looks at me with a confused expression.

“Nothing, I’m just talking to the others, like you said.” He says. It’s only me and him on the call. I stare at him in silence for a moment.

“Jimmy, mate… I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m not any of them” I say slowly, and to my surprise, Jimmy laughs.

“Yeah I know, but I was kind of hoping to have you here, too, if that’s okay?” He says sheepishly. “It’s okay if you’re busy, it’s just that… I don’t know, you’re good with this stuff and you make me feel calm? Sorry, I know that’s a lot to just dump on you.” Jimmy doesn’t look at me directly, and I start to feel tears in my eyes.

“Well damn, Jim, I guess if you truly love me that much, I can stick around for a bit.” I laugh, and quickly glance at the time. “My lunch break is only halfway over, anyway, so I have plenty of time to hang out while you talk to the others.”

Jimmy seems to let out a breath, like he’d been holding it, and grins.

Just as I’m about to start talking again, I hear a ping, and Lister’s face appears on screen, followed by Rowan and Bliss.

“Hey Jimjam, you okay?” Rowan asks, looking as calm as ever. “Oh hey Angel.” He adds. I give him an awkward smile.

“Wait, Angel's here?” Bliss interrupts before Jimmy can answer. “Nice, how’s the week from hell going? Didn’t think we’d hear from you until you’d made it through.”

“Yeah it’s rough, but I’m getting there. This is a welcome distraction though.” I grin at her.

“So you’ve seen the pictures then. They look good, right?” Lister chimes in, before correcting himself. “I mean, it’s horrible they found us, fucking pricks, but you’ve got to admit we look good.”

“You can be so self-centred sometimes.” Bliss laughs.

“Come on Lister, this isn’t a joke.” Rowan chides him.

“Well, I guess he isn’t wrong..” Jimmy mumbles nervously and I see him smile a bit.

“See, Jimmy agrees with me!” Lister argues back at Rowan, who rolls his eyes.

“It’s still not something to laugh about.” Rowan says firmly. “Cecily’s already on damage control, cancelling some events, beefing up the security at others, and giving the tabloids hell. She’s also let your grandad know, Jimmy.”

“Wait, aren’t you guys all down there already?” I ask, confused.

“Nah we got back last night. That picture was taken when we went out for lunch the other day. Took their time printing it.” Lister says.

“Probably needed time to pad out their articles. Seriously, how can they write so many pages about two people dating?” Bliss adds.

“Probably whining about how Jowan is now well and truly dead.” Rowan rolls his eyes again. “Although I have to say, I’m pretty happy about that part.” I cringe slightly as he says that. I will never not regret being one of the Jowan fangirls.

“So Cecily’s already got a plan? That’s good, that’s a bit of a relief.” Jimmy speaks up, looking visibly more relaxed than he had sounded over the phone earlier.

“Yeah she’s got it sorted, so we can start planning our Christmas party!” Lister says, making the others groan.

“Lister what the hell makes you think we should be throwing a massive fucking party right now?!” Rowan says, his voice growing louder. Lister goes quiet, looking like he wants to shrink into his seat, before eventually speaking up again.

“Look, it doesn’t have to be anything big, I just mean… Angel, you’re gonna be in London with Juliet, right? Come over, drag Bliss with you, Jimmy can invite his grandad, Rowan you can bring Jade, and there you go, that’s our party!”

“That’s...actually a good idea.” Rowan says, surprised.

“Yeah, that sounds like fun!” Jimmy adds.

“I’m up for it, Angel, do you think Juliet will wanna come?” Bliss says.

“Hell yeah she would, let’s do it!” I reply with a massive smile on my face. Partying with Bliss and the boys sounds like the best way to spend my Christmas London trip. I’ll make sure to tell Juliet about it when I talk to her later. As I start planning all the food I’m going to bring over, and wondering what the boys’ flat will look like at Christmas, the conversation starts up again.

“You sure you’re doing alright, Jimmy? I can come back home if you need me to.” Rowan says, focusing things on the issue at hand again.

“No no, don’t worry, stay with your family. They’d kill me if I made you miss out on spending time with them.” Jimmy jokes. “I’ve got Lister here, and Cecily’s number if I need it. My head isn’t giving me too much grief right now, anyway.”

“Wait, Lister, you’re there with him?” Bliss asks.

“Yeah, check it out!” Lister says, before picking up his phone and moving. He takes us out of what I think was his room, through a hallway and comes out into a large living room, where we can see Jimmy on a sofa looking at his phone. “Say hi to the chat, Jim!”

Everyone laughs as Jimmy gives an awkward wave to Lister’s phone. Lister then hangs up and launches himself into view of Jimmy’s screen, and the two shuffle about until they’re practically sitting on top of each other, faces

squished together so the tiny phone camera captures them both. I hate how cute they look together.

“Alright, if you’re sure, Jimmy,” Rowan says, smiling for probably the first time this whole call.

“Yeah, I’m sure.” Jimmy smiles back. “This whole situation is terrifying, and I’m more than ready to hide in my room and not see another mad fangirl for the rest of my life, but... if I did that we’d never get to hang out with Angel again.” He finishes, biting his lip as if unsure of whether or not the joke will hit.

“Uh..ouch!” I clap my hand on top of my heart dramatically and laugh, while the others join in. “I’ll have you know I’ve abandoned my fangirl ways. Mostly. Sort of. Okay, not completely but I’m not shipping real people anymore, so that’s something, right?!”

Lister is giving Jimmy a look of what I can only assume is pride for making a decent joke during a time of peak anxiety, Rowan has his head in his hands, probably contemplating his life choices now that Lister seems to be rubbing off on Jimmy, and Bliss still looks shocked that such a joke came out of Jimmy’s mouth, not Lister’s. When things calm down again, I check the time and speak up again.

“Well this has been fun Jim, but I’m afraid I have mad fangirl duties to be getting back to. Shrines to build, fanfiction to write, you know how it is.” I say sarcastically.

“Thanks again, Angel, for being here, and listening. And you’d better be right about that fandom drama.” Jimmy laughs again, although this time I see his smile falter a bit.

“Hey, look at me,” I say, moving as close to the screen as I can without squishing my face on it. “Things will settle down before you know it, in the meantime, we’re all here for you. You’re not alone in this.” Rowan and Bliss nod in agreement, and I see Lister hug Jimmy closer. Jimmy takes a breath and nods as well.

“Thanks Angel. And good luck with your exam. We’ll see you over the holidays.” He smiles.

“Yeah you got this Angel, go smash it!” Bliss chimes in, giving me a thumbs up and a grin. I say one last goodbye to them all, and hang up.

I look back down at my pizza, still uneaten. I need to stop letting myself get distracted during phone calls. I can eat and talk to my friends at the same time. I’m usually a master at it.

“Fereshteh!” I look up again. Either I’m going loony, or someone just said-

“FERESHTEH!” I turn around and see Mollie and Christina barrelling towards me, with the most excitement I’ve ever seen on a students’ face during exam season. They crash into my table and both start talking at once.

“Have you seen??”

“Did you know??”

“How long have they been together?!”

“Oh my god is this why you won’t tell us about what happened in Kent?!”

“Woah, easy on the interrogation! Seriously, you guys need to work on your interview skills.” I put my hands up in surrender and laugh. Mollie rolls her eyes at me.

“So? Did they tell you or what?” She asks again. I roll my eyes back at her.

“You know I don’t want to tell you guys anything about the boys. They trust me, and I’m not going to fuck that up because of some shit a tabloid prints.”

“How dare you appeal to our morality and ethics, we want gossip dammit!” Christina giggles, lightly banging her fist down on the table.

“Then stick to the Twitter pages.” I stick my tongue out at her. Mollie and Christina are two of my housemates, and are part of the Ark fandom. I never planned on telling them about Kent, but they figured out who I was thanks to the pictures of me and Jimmy on the train. I didn’t think you could tell it was me, but fangirls are like master detectives. They figured it out in less than a week. They haven’t told anyone though, they’re good mates.

“So how are you feeling about all of this? Whether you knew or not, having it out in the press like this is a lot to handle, especially after last time.” Mollie says, now in serious mode.

“It is a lot, definitely, but they’ll be fine. They’ve had this happen before and they know what to expect from the fans. I just wish I could be there for them.” I say, sitting back in my chair.

“I get

that, it must suck that you guys are so far apart now.” Christina chimes in.

“I mean it’s not like we ever lived close to each other before. The only reason we even crossed paths over the summer was because I was staying with a friend. But yeah, being away from them all is kind of hard sometimes.” I sigh dramatically, making Mollie and Christina grin.

“Are you going to visit them over Christmas?” Christina asks.

“I’m definitely going to visit my friend in London again, for a day or two, but I don’t know if we’ll be able to see the boys.” I quickly lie. “They cut back on public events but they’re still really busy most of the time. And this,” I gesture to my phone “definitely won’t help.”

“We’ll keep an eye on fandom updates for you, and try to shut any mentions of Jowan down,” Mollie says, reaching across the table and giving my hand a gentle squeeze. I squeeze hers back and give her a grateful smile. I mostly stopped interacting with the fandom after meeting the boys, reading fanfiction, and discussing theories with other fans just feels weird and creepy to do when the people you’re talking about are your friends. So it’s nice that I have Mollie and Christina looking out for them, and doing what I can’t. Christina has a pretty big following on Tumblr, and Mollie’s a Twitter ace, so I trust them to hold their ground with the fandom.

“Okay, you don’t have to give us any details, but genuinely, what do you think of Lister and Jimmy as a couple? Because I don’t think the fandom could handle a breakup.” Christina says after a while, making me laugh.

“Pfft, yeah I don’t think the boys could handle a breakup, either.” I smile. “But honestly? I think they’ll be good for each other. Lister is good at helping Jimmy relax and step out of his anxiety bubble, and Jimmy can help reign in Lister’s chaotic energy. Plus they’re freaking cute together, I mean just look at this picture!” I finish, gesturing dramatically to my phone again.

“They are so cute!” Mollie nods in agreement. “I’m actually shocked no one thought to ship them together before.”

“That’s the Jowan storm, for you,” Christina adds. “Can’t believe we ever shipped that.”

“So gross.” I shudder at the thought. Suddenly the alarm I’d set this morning went off, making us all jump.

“What’s that?” Mollie asks. I check the screen and practically leap out of my seat.

“Oh shit, my exam starts in 10 minutes!” I say, gathering my stuff up as quickly as I can. I say my goodbyes to Mollie and Christina and start running back across campus to the exam hall.

I make it just in time, much to the invigilator’s chagrin, check my bag in at the desk at the back of the hall, and collapse into my assigned seat. The exam starts, and it’s only when it does that my stomach reminds me that I never actually ate lunch. Shit.

I start to silently scold myself for being so stupid, when my mind starts drifting to the video chat with Jimmy and the others. He and Lister looked so comfortable with each other. Makes sense, they've known each other for so long. But even still, Jimmy looked so much happier once Lister sat down with him, and Lister himself practically seemed at home with Jimmy’s arms wrapped around him. I smile at my exam paper.

I’m so happy for them.

[freehismindatnite]

Star Wars Modern AU headcannons ft. Single Dad Anakin pt 2

I managed to get brain rot from my own au lmao

Anyways this focuses more on the adults bc I've been thinking

Asajj was on Beat Bobby Flay once

She lost but people are coming to her restaurant more because they think it was rigged

So btw thranto is canon in this universe because I said so tee hee

Anyways Eli eventually leaves his accountant job and starts a restaurant called Cantina Tex-Mex because this is Texas, Eli Vanto is not portrayed as white so I made him Chilean and Mexican. ALSO tex mex is very good if done right.

He has an unreasonable amount of teenagers there on Fridays

He gave them a discount bc Asajj told (read: threatened) him to

Anyways Thrawn also makes specifically 2 gallons of Puerto Rican Chocolate Caliente (hot chocolate) every friday because he wants to watch the world burn

Literally every teen and tween loves that hot chocolate but he just makes 2 gallons then watches the mad scramble

Asajj makes a diner food and Romanian food mix

It's really good for date nights and the Skywalkers (plus Rex, Ahsoka,Barriss, and Obi-wan) to eat at for family dinners if something special happens

It's cool as hell she makes like Sarmale burgers so she has the patty be 2 actual Sarmale. Which is minced pork, spices, onions, and rice rolled in sour cabbage leaves and served with her hashbrowns potatos.

She serves Pepsi because she is a sadist

Ahsoka is a comedian as I have said before

Her content is all written by herself no ghost writers

She has had 2 Netflix specials so far

One of her jokes is about how her and Thrawn became enemies

Dr. Barriss and Eli are good friends so haha rivalry but your spouse will smack your dumbass for it.

They don't hit their spouses btw they just roll their eyes and pack up their crochet stuff.

Barriss and Eli met in middle school when other kids were being assholes to Barriss. Anyways they were friends ever since.

Maul, Savage, and Mother Talzin come visit one day

It's hilarious

No one really likes Maul

People think Savage is v nice

Mother Talzin is this 6 foot lady she terrifies the town minus the Skywalker twins and Los tres caballeros (Ahsoka, Anakin, and Obi-wan)

Anakin is a force of nature

He's an idiot with a clone of him

No like Leia is literally very much like him

Luke looks like him but other than that he's just Padme

Leia has done several things her father did

Everyone found it hilarious

Till she tried to jump off the roof to fly when she was 10

Poor baby had a big scar

Luke is also a fucking idiot I'd like to remind you, he has a insufferable martyr complex

Seriously Ahsoka, Barriss, Obi-Wan, Anakin, and Luke were playing Bedwars once and Anakin and Luke kept throwing themselves onto the fray

Annoying as hell sometimes

Anakin literally just told Ahsoka that doing drugs was cringe once so she just didn't

Anakin did though Obi-wan lectured him on why drugs are bad and it went in one ear and out the other

And by drugs I mean weed

Because it's my fake USA so I will make it how I want it

Weed is legal now fuck you

Anakin just calls things cringe then leaves

Like he told Palpatine he was cringe once

I dont think Palpatine ever recovered

Also Palpatine is homophobic

Lol he lives in gay people texas

Shaak Ti my beloved

Aayla and Bly are the peak of cool aunt and uncle

They are the aunt and uncle who take you to rated r movies when your 13

Anyways that's it I just needed to get that out of my system

[you-cant-spell-subtext-without]

Sigh. It’s quiet today, so I guess it’s about time to talk about 12x06: Celebrating the Life of Asa Fox.  

This is an episode without Cas, so clearly it revolves entirely around Cas (I'm kidding, but only a little bit).  It’s also a bottle episode and a meta writer’s wet dream, so excuse me while I nerd out - this is a long one to unpack, and I have spent too much time doing it for you.  That’s ok because, as Sam says:

DIVE IN AFTER THE CUT BUDDIES!

The Asa montage is where we start.

Asa is a Dean mirror. The parallels are pretty clear - he’s a scruffy rough around the edges hunter, Mary is the reason he got into hunting, he wears a ton of flannel, etc.  If you remain unsure, the writers throw this in at the very beginning in the montage of Asa’s life as a hunter So That You Know:

Bucky: Hey, you know they make new cars, right? Asa: I don’t want a new car. This is my lucky car. 

***Canadian!Dean confirmed.

Shaine Jones may also be the Canadian Jensen Ackles.

I don’t make the rules ok?

Back in the US, the boys surprise Jody with a visit. 

In case you forgot the episode prior to this one:

Side note: domestic Jody gives me life. 

We’re clearly supposed to see how Jody is a mom figure for the boys, and it feels nice for them to have that, especially since Mary is Taking Some Space.  Their entire dynamic warms even my cold black soul.

[romantic scene of a couple silhouetted against a sunset while sweeping music plays on Jody’s TV. The couple kisses.] 

DEAN

[his mouth full of pizza] Jody, you watching some kind of chick flick here?

JODY

Well, Dean. I’m a chick. 

Kim Rhodes YOU ARE A DELIGHT.  A side note - I know this exchange is supposed to be funny, but I feel sad for Dean (who clearly is a rom com chick).  This is a perfect example of Dean struggling to present some fabricated image of heteronormative masculinity that’s not the heart of who he actually is.  His surprise that a “badass sheriff chick” can also enjoy rom coms makes me fucking upset.  

ALSO:

Anyway, Asa has passed on and the boys tag along with Jody to the wake in support.  

SAM

Yeah, no, Jody. We… we know you’ll be fine, but… you know, we never go to hunter gatherings, outside of bars. Dad always said they were trouble, so…

DEAN

Yes, you’d be doing us a favor if you let us tag along.

***more receipts that John Winchester was an isolating abuser.  They could have at least had a normal HUNTER life and friends who hunted.

SAM  

That is a big house. [Music continues playing, coming from inside the house now]

***We now establish one “theme” of the episode.

JODY

Family home. Asa was just a guy. 

AKA pretty brutal implication that Asa didn’t have a family of his own.

Speaking of implications:

[Jody removes her coat and the three of them begin mingling. Dean finds his way to the kitchen and a cooler full of beer] DEAN

No label. Well, that’s a red flag. 

****LOL WHAT THE FUCK IS THE REASON****

....

....

....

GIRL SEND HELP

Enter Bucky, who is actually (SPOILER!) the villain of the episode.

Do all hunters just walk around with this manly flannel/weird symbolic necklace combo?  Looking at you Bucky and Dean.  

Dean is surprised to find that people know who he is:

But doesn’t seem to have an issue with it until -

***Someone who just bragged the entire five hour car ride about killing Hitler shouldn’t be this concerned about what people are saying about him right? 

Or is he thinking it may involve something he isn’t comfortable sharing - since apparently there are things Dean doesn’t feel comfortable sharing as established by the prior couch conversation with Jody?  Hmmmmmm...

***Compare the expressions.  The “you’ve died four times” response is the same as the smug/proud “I killed Hitler” face.  The reaction to the “stories” is the “hey this is my personal business” reaction Dean had to Sam’s Japanese erotica art form comment. He is thinking specifically about something personal.

I wonder what it could be.

I don’t think any one had to teach Max Banes the art of seduction, but also thank you.

Also, manifesting Dean being raised by Max and Alicia’s Cool Witch Mom instead of John Trash Winchester.  Because that’s what we’re supposed to think here, correct?  Two sibling hunters usually present a brother mirror.

Worth noting Sam’s surprise that witches can also be hunters.  The John Winchester Bigotry Brain Rot runs deep.  (GOD the Sam-witch thing would have driven him crazy I LIVE FOR THAT).

Dean escapes to Asa’s office/room and proceeds to go through his things.

[Dean is in Asa’s office and finds an angel blade mounted on blue velvet inside an ornate glass-lidded box. He opens it, reaches in and pulls out the angel blade, comfortably spinning it in his hand when Sam walks in.]

SAM

Hey.

DEAN

Oh, hi. This is a real Angel Blade. I mean, this guy was legit. 

***that’s weird, why does Canadian!Dean have an angel blade?  We haven’t heard anything about angels yet, and it wasn’t in the opening montage.  Hmmmmmm, I say. Hmmmmmmm...

***Sam is also concerned about The Stories They Tell 

This one particularly:

Honestly I don’t know why he’s THAT surprised that people know he was possessed by Lucifer?  Didn’t he start like multiple apocalypses?  That’s something people tend to be in the know about. Anyhoo.

DEAN

Yeah. Apparently we’re a little bit legendary. 

SAM 

Yeah, but, I mean, so was Asa. Then a hunt went bad, and he ended up hanging from a tree, alone in the woods.

DEAN

He died on the job. No better way to go. 

SAM

You really believe that? 

DEAN

Yeah. What, you don’t? I mean, come on, Sam, it's not like we're in the “live till you're 90, die in your sleep” business. This? [Dean points at Asa’s hunting wall] This only ends one way. 

***Insert deep internal screaming about 15x20 here***

It’s Jody’s turn to be uncomfortable as we find out she and Asa were more than just friends and everyone knew it and Said Things About It and Told Stories About It.

HMMMMMMM...

Dean is surprised that Jody not only enjoys rom coms, but ruggedly hot men. Another thing they have in common.

As Dean comes to terms with the idea that Jody can be a mother figure and also a human person with a life and her own feelings and needs and thoughts, enter the person whom said lesson is actually about:

This is a Kim Rhodes Facial Expression stan account now.

So cute how Jody knows immediately that Dean is not okay.  Time to reach:

JODY

Huh. Is that why you spent the entire ride up here telling me in extreme, excruciating detail how you killed Hitler, but, uh, you neglected to mention the fact that your mom is back from the dead? 

***look, it’s another Dean doesn’t like others knowing personal information parallel!***

DEAN 

Yeah, no big deal. 

JODY

That’s a lie.

DEAN

JODY …

JODY

Look, maybe this isn't my place, and this is epic stuff, but

JODY

Yeah. Because what if I’ve changed. What if they changed? What if it just didn’t work out the way I wanted?  If you wanna talk about anything

***Killing Hitler used yet again to show Dean doesn’t care about oversharing hunting stories, but he doesn’t like for people to know personal ones.  Also, Jody mentions her son and her husband.  Her family and her romantic partner.  

Dean wasn’t just reunited with Mary this season. He was also reunited with Cas, after saying goodbye to him at the end of Season 11 when he headed to what he thought was going to be his death as the Amara-bomb.

So, this conversation isn't just about Mary (the “anything”).  It’s also about Cas (the”...absolutely anything”).

Mary chats with Mama Fox and more Points Are Made about hunters not getting to have a “normal life” or family:

MARY

I saved his life. 

LORRAINE

[scoffing] What am I supposed to say to that? After you, Asa got so… Hunting was his whole life. He never married. Never had a family, kids. And now… enjoy the wake. 

***sending Mary on a guilt spiral about Asa (mirroring her other guilt spiral about hunting as a life for her own sons)

Speaking of mirrors:

BUCKY

And Asa loved that Jeep. Fuses were shorted, fuel line was busted. Ah, he didn’t care. He’d just roll up his sleeves, he’d get right to work. 

Time to learn about today’s Big Bad.

BUCKY

Jael. He’s a crossroads demon. And he hangs people. It’s his thing. Snaps their neck, slits their throat. He’s a real piece of work. 

***Wait a second.  Jael is a demon?  Don’t...angel’s names usually end in “el” in SPNverse?

Samandriel.

Uriel.

Gabriel.

Raphael.

Gadreel.

Castiel.

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

Anyways the demon [questionable] killed Asa and now everyone  is trapped and also In Grave Danger.  

BUCKY

Exactly. Right, so five years later, Jael– he came back, and he came for Asa. 

JODY

How so? 

BUCKY

Asa was seeing this woman, right? She had a kid. 

LORRAINE

Marlene. 

BUCKY

Yeah, Marlene. Jael got into her. It didn’t matter that he was killing people, he wanted Asa to know it was personal. He gets off on it. 

***that’s so weird, didn’t someone else in the show start seeing a woman with a kid - 

what a sexy little coincidence.

oh and didnt  a supernatural being come back right around that time too - 

HMMMMMMMM.  No killing though.  That’s the difference between angels and demons, I guess.

(meanwhile Dean has been drinking alone outside - as he does, and is realizing he can’t get back in)

HI QUEEN

Also, this immediately took me to 

this show isn’t fair.

****sob break****

Jael Posession 1:

So curious how there are two siblings and then one gets possessed by something Satanic and the other one is good at seducing men.

SO FUCKING CURIOUS.

Jael Possession 2:

Elvis. Random.  Though he was the guy who brought up the Stories Sam Was Surprised Were Circulating -

He was also oddly interested in it.  Methinks Elvis thoroughly enjoyed the Jael possession.

Bilie gets Dean back in the house.  The words “one-time deal” are said a lot of times.

BONUS: Jensen why are you so pretty:

The hunters get to work, and I live for Max Bane’s pentagram aesthetic.

MAX

I like a Fifth Pentacle of Mars. It’s got more character. 

***TBH, same.

Jael possession 3:

****Kim Rhodes is even better when she is playing evil.

JODY/JAEL:

I had so hoped you’d kill your mom. Wouldn’t that be a riot? 

[Mary draws the angel blade and charges at Jody. She cuts Jody’s arm before Sam wrestles her away.] 

SAM

No! Mom!

MARY

What are you doing?! She’s a demon. We kill demons. 

******WOOF MARY - I REPEAT TO YOU THAT THE JOHN TRASH WINCHESTER BRAIN ROT RUNS DEEP.

Also did you immediately flash back to this with me?

Gets me thinking that Dean’s feelings for Cas are made twice as complicated by the fact that he is also a supernatural creature.  Another Reason Why John Winchester Would Disapprove.

****Just as he would Disapprove of Sam Being Possessed By the Devil and all that (never forget he told Dean to kill him because of the whole made unclean by demon blood thing). 

Right on cue:

JODY/JAEL

Oh, I have heard so many stories about you Winchesters. And I desperately want the Lucifer thing to be true.  

***Stories again. Jael proceeds to go into Stories That Are Dark Personal Shameful Secrets:

JAEL

As for the rest of you, I have been inside your heads. I know all about you. For example, the twins. Too frightened to tell anyone that they actually came to say goodbye to their daddy. Or the grieving mother who hated the fact that her son was a hunter so much she’d hide his gear, she’d sabotage his Jeep, anything to keep him from hunting. Not that it worked. Could’ve tried harder, huh? 

[She gestures at her own face] And this meatsuit you all seem to care so much about. She actually fantasized about a life with Asa. Can you believe that? Like that worthless man– 

***HMMMMMMMMM

[Bucky gets off the floor and sneaks up behind Jody/Jael] 

BUCKY 

Shut your filthy mouth. 

[Jody/Jael grabs Bucky by the neck and forces him to his knees] 

JODY/JAEL

And you. Bucky. Brave, brave Bucky. I was there that night. Tell these nice, stupid people what you did. Tell them what you took from me. Asa was mine. 

***Excuse me? THIS IS GETTING VERY...subtextual.  A dark timeline supernatural being/hunter relationship [ending badly because demons only know how to take, consume and possess]? ...Asael?  CURIOUS. 

They chant the exorcism, a different hunter doing each iteration (beautifully done) 

and send Jael back to hell, but not before Bucky shares his Shameful Story - he’s the one who killed Asa.

Elaboration:

BUCKY

Asa, he was just all– he was just always so stubborn. Look, we were in the woods. [We see the scene play out as Bucky describes it] Jael, he… he was taunting him. Asa wanted to chase him, but he didn’t have the angel blade. I said, “Let’s go back.” He called me a coward, and he shoved me, so I shoved him back, and he fell. He hit his head. Asa? I didn’t mean to do it. But it was a mistake. Asa. Asa? An accident. I’m sorry. I didn’t know what to do. Asa hated that damn demon so much that I just…

DEAN

Oh, you thought people would buy that Jael killed him? So you hung your best friend to cover your own ass. 

BUCKY

What are you gonna do to me? 

ALICIA:

Tell everyone, every hunter we meet. They’re gonna know your name, Bucky. Know what you did. 

MAX

You like stories. This is the story everyone’s gonna tell about you. Forever. 

***Shameful Stories that Define You, what a theme.  Also, definitely a supernatural being potentially having some subtextual feelings for Canadian!Dean.  Hmmm.

***Funeral pyre and side discussion about how Asa did have a family, and children, and a potential supernatural sidepiece.

In conclusion, Supernatural is a love story.  Thank you for watching this dark timeline/Canadian dub.  You’re dismissed for the day.  Go eat bacon.

[ka-writes]

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Notes- Did I decide I was gonna write a fic at 2:00 AM? Yes yes I did... anyways I don’t have an archive account yet but I wanted to get it out there.... um here is chapter one of my space AU, because I absolutely fell in love with the AU.

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Inspired by:

Humans are Space Velociraptors

By:FreshRoses_InMyGarden_NeedTheRain

Some kids come from storks, others come from crashed spaceships

By: mmmajora

Home Again, Home Again

By: teeth_eater

All works can be found on Ao3

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Ohh also challenge if you wanna do it, fill in the Title! And another one... if you were an alien what question would you ask a human other than basic questions, like name and age.

Also suggestions are always appreciated! And if you wanna support my main blog it is kadoodle.. also I have no updating schedule so I will when I want to.

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Warnings: Cussing, mentions of tight spaces and characters being trapped, mentions of corpses, and needles.

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“Humans are [Insert text here]”

Chapter 1: Idiots kidnap the wrong kid..

Honestly, life hasn't been bad. His needs were met, most of the time, and he had a.. place to sleep…

Yeah no life wasn’t great.

Tommy was easily, barely, avoiding Social Services. Sleeping on benches and occasionally grass. He got whatever wasn’t wanted and had an official bag for the first time. He had some spare clothes, and no money. The authorities stopped looking for him after a while and the only main challenge was getting essentials.

No one would miss him. No one would look for him. Therefore he was the perfect target among many others. The only thing setting him apart was his sheer ability to survive, not a want, like many of the others, it was a fact he would survive. Not that his captors knew that of course.

Alternative: Tommy gets kidnapped by aliens and sbi rescues him.

——————

He woke up in a cage.

Not a cell or a room, a fucking cage.

There were a few others in various cages around the room. All of which were either dead or close to it. Most of the ones still alive had been there for months, possibly years. No one knew of course.

The smell of rotting bodies stenched the place with a coppery coating. The room wasn’t large but not quite small. It was dull grey with layers of grime settling on the floor and cages. The room was long and skinny, lined with cages against either wall in a zig zag format. The only light was coming from the small door window, which happened to be positioned right in front of Tommy. It glowed a faint yellow and was blurry, not allowing Tommy to see into the hall.

Shadows would occasionally pass by the window. None ever stopped at it. Causing the ever growing hunger to grow more. Once one had stopped at the door, not for more than a second, before it screeched. It was inhuman and sounded like a hurt hawk from one of those nature documentaries. Tommy shoved his hands onto his ears and waited for it to stop. The thing chuckled, not like a human, but something close to it.

——————

Tommy waited for what seemed like hours before something happened. The door opened, sliding into the ceiling. A weird looking creature stepped in. It looked like it had a porcelain mask over its face with a painted smiley face. There were no ears or hair, instead just more porcelain, which formed a spear which sat on shadows. The thing was wearing a lime green hoodie and black leather pants that seemingly faded into the creature's legs. The knees bent inwards causing it to look awfully awkward as it crouched near Tommy’s cage. The hands were long and lanky with no real palm. The creature also had a tail that looked close to how Tommy pictured a devil's tail to look. This was the first time in ages Tommy was glad to be behind bars.

The thing pointed at itself and said,

“Dream.”

In the most heavily accented English Tommy had ever heard. That didn’t matter as much of the fact that the seemingly painted smile moved with the words.

“Come.”

The creature unlocked the cage and half dragged Tommy out of the cage into what Tommy presumed to be the lab. He noticed a window. The only thing for miles was stars. He was in space. He had been kidnapped by Aliens. Fuck.

——————

Humans were a heavily avoided species. The things were what kids would expect to come out of their closet. They were feared, and for good reason.

The first ship to find Earth was ecstatic. Finding another intelligent species in what would’ve been deemed as a planetary desert was a scientific breakthrough. Causing the entirety of the media to go insane for a couple of years.. That was until the first ship ventured onto the planet. It was immediately shot down. The entire crew was killed and the entirety of the ship was destroyed in a matter of minutes. The ISF (Intergalactic Safety Force) deemed it as a no flight zone and claimed to punish anyone in the desert. Even so poachers smuggled humans and within days had their ship crashed.

The only ones allowed to take humans were scientists, who were specialized in taking care of difficult species. They were allowed to test on said species and do whatever they wanted, in the name of science of course. Most people didn’t care how they treated them and were really only interested in what could kill them.

Which is where Wilbur came in. He was a toxicologist, a scientist studying poisons, he also dealt with various potions and other chemical mixes. This knowledge is what gained his entry to the Dream Team Ship.

He had been testing on around nine different humans for the past six months on the celestial calendar. This time Dream, his boss and the captain, brought in a juvenile human. He was skinny and lanky. Clearly had been starving before being taken. He felt bad before shaking off his pity.

“V74 and V83. Make sure he can communicate beforehand.” Dream promptly stated before leaving the kid in the room.

Wilbur tried not to think about his terrified face, before he clipped on the translator. Usually it is worn on the back of the head, since humans brains are vastly different than most species, it is clipped to the left side of the head.

The translator looks like a simple device when in reality it took dozens of celestial years to perfect it. It’s a small silver disk that ingrains into the part of the brain that controls communicating. After the body gets used to the device it can translate any language into one you understand instantly.

It took a couple more years for the translator to incorporate the estimated 7,000 languages spoken on Earth. For a planet that has been isolated it has a more complex and diverse set of cultures and languages, than Pellucidian has had in centuries. To say Wilbur was jealous, wouldn’t be far from the truth. Not that he studied cultures for a living. It was something that always interested him.

He put the device on the kid’s head and grimaced at the pain that was on the kid’s face. He quickly dried up the blood and mixed a solution that would ease the pain. It was clear and tasted like water, which is the only way they got humans to take the pain reduction.

The kid relaxed for a spilt second before tending at the unfamiliar setting.

“Where am I?” He snapped, causing Wilbur to jump back a bit, before collecting himself and standing up.

“The Dream Team craft’s labatory.” The kid’s face flashed with panic for a split second, “You have two testings scheduled for today. It will go quickly.”

“Will it be painful?” The kid asked. As standard for testing, Wilbur ignored the question and measured the substances. He quickly cleaned the puncture spot before giving him the needle.

The kid winced in pain. Wilbur swiftly led him to the testing chair. It had restraints that moved with the patient's body, which prevented bruising while keeping them in place. Wilbur clicked them on and sat at the desk located to the left of the kid.

“What did you inject into me?” The kid asked clearly trying to fight off the anesthetic.

“A dosage of Lidocaine, which is an anesthetic for your species. It’s only to numb pain that may come with the solutions we will be using today.” The kid’s face flashed with a deeper panic than before, causing Wilbur to tense. “We won’t start yet, since we have a list of questions to go through before we begin.” Wilbur lied. He hated testing people, especially kids. Dream of course didn’t care, like the rest of the Dreamon species. It made him sick. That was when he made a split second decision. Hoping he could get a distress signal out, without alerting the other crew members. He was gonna get the kid off the ship, at the next stop of course. Which was in three celestial hours.

The kid scoffed, clearly not believing the lie. He paused a moment thinking over his options before he smirked,“Fine. Ask me what you want bitch-boy!” Wilbur gasped, clearly not anticipating the insult.

——————

Chapter 1 End

1406 words

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End notes: Why the hell does google docs make it so hard to copy and paste??

Also I had to do some intense googling for this... I hope you enjoyed!

(Also also this is my first ever fanfic... please give feedback and reblog!!)

Minor mistakes are forgiven... don’t expect me to be perfect... I am dyslexic.

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Tommy: ....

Wilbur: ....

*intense starring*

Wilbur POV: I am kidnapping it.

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Chapter 2:

[yibuo]

UMMM I would love to know what exactly happened with xnine too if you know??

i didn’t know how to answer this without hating on long danni but... that’s not possible when you’re talking about xnine

CORRECT ME IF I’M WRONG IN ANY WAY @ DIMPLES AND CFANS

tldr ceo addicted to producing survival shows realizes boy group is incapable of feeding her fat rabbit because of her OWN mismanagement and throws them away (literally? probably not, maybe, idk)

HOLY SHIT THIS BECAME RLY LONG IM BEGGING KEEP READING TO WORK LO LOL LOL

long danni= wjjw company ceo

wjjw=company that xnine, xz, r1se, etc are under

huo mala: fat company rabbit that WILL give u nightmares goodness gracious thinking about him sends chills down my spine

alright so long danni (ldn i will refer to her) & ee media along w/ tencent and sm made the survival show x-fire... the premise of xfire was that 16 contestants split into two different teams (white and red) and then at the end it would boil down to each team having 4 members and the winning team would debut as a group called xfire...but wait...the group’s name is xnine? so out of red team (peng chuyue, baishu, xiao zhan, xia zhiguang) and white team(wu jiacheng, gu jiacheng, zhao lei, and guo zifan) white team won...and they unofficially debuted as xfire..went abroad to train yadda yadda yadda and then a few months later, TELL ME WHY LONG DANNI DECIDES TO RELEASE POLLS TO LET FANS VOTE IN 5 MEMBERS INTO XFIRE TO CREATE XNINE! ldn PLEASE if u wanted to rig the show you should’ve decided in the beginning what was the point of making the teams and the fans fight against each other...

so yeah xz and crew weren’t actually supposed to debut according to show rules...i mean i’m glad they debuted obviously bc x9 is x9 but ee media and frickin ldn couldve handled this better...like every member except chen molerat is amazing and great but....WHY DIDNT MaNAGEMENT NOT BLATANTLY RIG THEM INTO THE GROUP

but also thank u ldn for also letting us get to know the 4 guys who were added n not chen molerat <3 but like DO UR JOB PROPERLY

anyway the polls were RIGGED obviously thanks ldn what did u expect out of making POLLS, and xiao zhan, peng chuyue, xia zhiguang, yan xujia, and chen z*** were added to the group to create xnine...talk about rigged when chen z*** the molerat lookin turdface misogynist was added... anyway at the time he wasnt known to be problematic but ya the whole rigging thing caused a whole rift esp when x9 debuted bc there were fanwars and death threats initially but xfire did well because it was one of the (if not only) survival shows at that time and x9 debuted w/ a good response etc

then they got moved to wjjw (still owned by ldn thanks ldn) and wjjw is known for hoarding artists and not promoting them (THEY HAVE LIKE 45 ARTISTS BUT WERE FORMED 3 YEARS AGO MAKE IT MAKE SENSE) and not being promoted properly was EXACTLY what happened to xnine. as idols what they needed was music promotions, variety shows, etc stuff to get them as people out there but this genius ldn decided to promote them through stupid zodiac dramas like super star academy (to promote xfire finalists) and oh my emperor (which was an xnine drama). now i haven’t watched OME, but SSA gave me enough brain rot and gunk for me to not watch OME. (the only person who could act was baishu), and the story was SO BAD. nevermind the acting, because the boys weren’t initially slated to be actors, but the story was horrible, girl without superpowers suddenly becomes white cult goddess at the end??? WHAT???????? why didn’t ldn just promote them normally !!!!!! are they an actor group or an idol group???? I LOVE XNINE, THEY ARE TALENTED ARTISTS !!!! and eventually some went into acting (xz, guo zifan, gu jiacheng) BUT WAS THAT THE TIME DLFNJNF and then they just kept getting sent into random dramas and movies as random side characters instead of being able to make music and promote????? i’m sorry i’ve been stuck on using dramas to promote x9 for a while because that’s such a SILLY IDEA *vigorously shakes head* 

ldn knows how to do survival shows but she doesn’t know how to promote her artists thanks ldn. xnine has so much talented, we know xiao zhan is a great singer, but other main vocalists like wu jiacheng, zhao lei, and peng chuyue are amazing as welll, here’s me plugging this video of zl and pcy performing their self-written song on produce camp because it’s the most beautiful thing ever

-oh yeah somewhere in here insert chen molerat getting outed as a pedo misogynist cheater by his gf who still has the audacity to have xnine in his weibo name because xnine starting to get popular gtfo rat lookin ass i WILL barf, when we say ot8 xnine we mean xnine w/o chen toadratass but sometimes ppl think it’s xnine minus xz which is untrue-

they also have talented rappers (gu jiacheng yan xujia) and dancers (xia zhiguang guo zifan) like xia zhiguang can end me with his spinning flying kick thing and i WILL let him 

so YEAH !! TALENT that went to waste because wjjw gave them weird random hiatuses and kept pushing them as actors??? seriously what is with this actor stuff...so that’s why they debuted in 2016 and have very little discography to their name because wjjw just gave up...trying to promote them GOD thank u so much ldn for ur incomptency <3333 xnine had members in diff stages of life (ranging from xz who was born in 91, to yan xujia born in 2001, they were all close tho soo cute) and wjjw really was like nope we’re not gonna try to promote yall’s dreams of becoming singers on the stage because they couldn’t add 34783473 pounds to fat huo mala’s weight

so ya a lot of people are like omg wjjw hates xiao zhan!!! ya no they hate all of xnine but now xz is bringing enough money to make huo mala even fatter so good for huo mala i guess /s

also rumors and any bad media? lol wjjw doesn’t care they do a shit job at handling bad things too WHAT A WELLROUNDED COMPANY

OH ALSO TALK ABOUT HOW THYE HAD 3 DAYS TO PREPARE FOR A CONCERT???????????? WHAT????????? wjjw u mfs

anyway to summarize my rants above wjjw did  a SHIT job of promoting xnine as idols when the boys worked so hard and wjjw kept tryna push them to acting bye (some of them can’t act and literally don’t WANT TO ACT HHHSFLNF), wjjw is also horrible at letting all of the xnine members shine when as i mentioned before, they’re ALL TALENTED!!!! and then they just gave up on xnine somewhere in 2017-2018... ok anyway so is xnine disbanded? no although some may say their last concert in dec 2018 was their last concert ever they’re not disbanded

xiao zhan , gu jiacheng, and guo zifan went into acting

wu jiachang is focusing on his music etc (he was actually the first member of xnine i came across when i watched the collaboration/cyzj in 2018...yes carats this is That wu jiacheng!!!) MAN CAN SING

peng chuyue, zhao lei, xia zhiguang, yan xujia all went on produce camp 2019 (aNOTHER SURVIVAL SHOW BC THEY WANTED TO BE ON THE MF STAGE BC THATS WHY THEYRE HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE WJJW) along w/ fellow labelmates zhou zhennan and zhai xiao wen ... and everyone but peng chuyue made it to the final 11 spots and got to debut in the group r1se...UNFORTUNATELY ALSO UNDER WJJW HELP SEND HELP

if they’re in r1se does that mean they quit xnine? no! they’re in both that’s just how survival shows work it’s kind of weird

peng chuyue recently released a song and it’s really good and you can’t not tell me that it’s gay here it is

anyway xnine hasn’t disbanded!! the X玖少年团 (xnine) in the non-r1se members’ weibo names say that loud n clear!!! and when the r1se members from xnine won produce camp 2019, they all made xnine signs SO XNINE IS ALIVE and they do keep in contact!!

why haven’t we seen blatant public interactions btwen xiao zhan and the xnine members? because some frickin annoying xz solo stans/xfx claim that the other members use xz for popularity (HELLO??????? IN WHAT WORLD DOES THAT MAKE SENSE HALF OF THEM R LITERALLY HIS KIDS BUT OK) 

anyway in conclusion wjjw doesn’t know how to promote any of their artists, thus screwing over xnine members and making them go on a group hiatus where they focus on acting/singing/r1se for r1se members but they are very much xnine as of now !!!

here’s some REALLY GOOD RESOURCES to follow xnine bc as an ifan it’s mf hard

-xnine slideshow

-xnine faq

-xnine eng sub channel by yuer

-all of that content i listed above was made/subbed by one person and she is the queen of uhh...xnine international fandom outreach (????) how do i word it but she’s been subbing and spreading xnine long before xiao zhan’s popularity skyrocketed so go follow her for updates and memes here

-xnine intl fanbase twt and tumblr

-and here’s this twt account with dumb pics of xnine because why not

also i’m pretty sure there’s a wip video explaining x9′s history being created (by yuer because queen) so when that’s posted i’ll rb this and post it here

also here’s this video dragging wjjw

[cherrygorilla]

6 Year Anniversary and Coral’s Character Profile

Hi there! Sorry for not being very active on here, life’s just been very hectic at the moment adjusting to university life, but I promise that I’m still working on content, I just don’t have a great deal of free time, so it’s a slow process. But now that I’m more settled I should be able to get into a proper writing routine. Fingers crossed!

But anyway, the reason I’m making this post is because around six years ago I made my fanfic account and posted my first chapter of my first story and ever since then I’ve just fallen in love with writing more and more. I’ve loved being able to hone my craft and improve and evolve my characters as I’ve grown up. It’s so crazy to think that I’ve been doing this for so long and that I’m still hanging around! I didn’t have much time to prepare anything for this milestone and I wouldn’t have known what to do anyway, so I thought that now would be as good a time as any to post the character profile I’ve been working on for Coral since she was created, along with my account, all those years ago. 

I got the questions for this OC character profile thing from my wonderful friend @foreveralwaysanauthor , who wrote similar profiles for her characters Makana and Xander, so be sure to check those out along with her stories! But here’s my profile for Caroline “Coral” Samantha Cole! I hope you like it! 

Appearance: obviously, including any quirks, how do they carry themself, average clothing

Tanned complexion, freckles across nose and cheeks, blue eyes, cute dimples, curly golden hair, great curvy body, kind of on the short side, bright smile, most often carries herself with confidence, wears a lot of bright colours, shorts, playsuits and summer dresses but likes to take fashion risks and isn't afraid to draw some attention by wearing something out there

Preferences:

Sexuality: because of the time she lives in I don't think that she'd ever act on any feelings she didn't think would be accepted by others, because at the core of everything that's all she really ever wants, but if it really came down to it and she was able to explore her feelings freely I think she'd come to realise that she's bisexual

Favourite food: the banana bread pudding her mom makes

Favourite colour: aqua blue, or gold, if she was really going to indulge herself 

Favourite animal: dogs, especially puppies

Favourite weather: sunny

Favourite season: summer

Favourite time of day: she's rarely up to see it, but she loves sunrise, when the stars start to disappear and the sun streaks the sky with all the pretty colours 

Favourite music: she's open to anything as long as she can sing along, but she does love a show tune

Foods that they will/will not eat: she's really not picky so she'll try anything, unless it involves tuna  

Religion: she wasn't brought up in a particularly religious family, they celebrate christmas, but in more of a commercial way, so she doesn't really have much of an opinion on religion

Political Beliefs: again, not super political, she just thinks everyone should be able to be treated equally

Hogwarts House: Slytherin, hands down. 

Personality: calm, rude, oblivious, introspective, stubborn, etc

She was practically born a drama queen and her enthusiasm can be a little overbearing at times but she's got a big heart and is a total softie if you get to know her enough for her to trust you. She's fiercely loyal, almost to a fault, and pretty stubborn if she gets something set in her mind. Speaking of getting something set in her mind, she's super determined; if she has a goal and won't let anything stand in her way. She's no stranger to jealousy, although she'd never admit it, and has a wild temper if the wrong thing sets her off, but she feels every emotion so intensely that sometimes they just get the better of her, which can be both a great and terrible thing. 

Family:

Who are their parents? Jacqueline and Brett Cole

What is their relationship with their parents? She's really close to her parents. Yes, she can get a little feisty sometimes and isn't a stranger to getting argumentative if she thinks something is unfair or if they're getting on her ass about something, but they raised her in a supportive, loving home and their guidance earned them her total respect. They're firm but fair when they need to be and she certainly keeps them on their toes, but they're always there if she needs them to be, whether it's to offer a shoulder to cry on, provide some much-needed advice or just to have a good laugh and cheer her up.

Do they have siblings? She has a twin brother, Thomas "Tanner" Cole

What is that relationship like? Being a twin is the only thing she's known, especially because she's the younger of the two twenty three minutes (something that Tanner likes to remind her of constantly), so she's had someone to goof around with from the second she left the womb. They may share a birthday down to the hour, but Tanner still like to exercise his big brother status from time to time, even though he knows deep down that Coral has enough fire in her belly to handle any threat far better than he could. They don't have a secret twin language and they don't have a telepathic twin connection, but they are incredibly close. They don't always see eye to eye on things, but they feel everything in a very similar way and they can read each other really well, so it's pretty difficult to keep secrets from one another. They were inseparable from birth, pulling faces to make each other laugh and taking their toys on grand expeditions along the beach from the minute they could walk and talk and as they grew older their bond, despite their differences, only grew stronger. As with all siblings, there were days when they annoyed the crap out of each other and couldn't stand to be in the same room unless they were pulling hair and yelling threats, but the anger never hung around for long. All it would take would be one joke or one dumb look and they'd be back to the being the best of friends. They're there for each other no matter what having someone around who understands you and what you're going through completely all the time is incredibly convenient. 

Family Life: 

What was it like for them growing up? She had a great childhood. A lot of her time was spent outside, either playing with her brother or her friends (often both together), and the rest was spent at dance and acting classes. She loved being a part of school plays and dance recitals and would practise in the living room every night after dinner. She loved the bedtime stories that her dad would read her and her brother every night and some of her fondest memories are of when she would play dress-up with her mom on Saturday mornings. Her parents always made time for her and Tanner and they certainly didn't go short of love, laughter or attention when they were kids. It was as idyllic as an all-American family could have hoped to have been really.

Are there things that affect them in their present state from their childhood? One memory that stands out, in particular, was when her mom and aunt took her to see a play at the local theatre. From the second that she saw the lady in the glittery dress parading around the stage, singing and dancing as the crowd whooped and hollered, she was hooked. She knew she wanted to be like her one day, up on that stage in front of an adoring crowd. And then they got their first television set, where she could see these actresses from the comfort of her own home and her life was changed yet again. She'd sit gazing at the people flickering on the screen for hours, even after her parents told her that it would rot her brain. She simply didn't care, she was too fascinated to look away. All she knew was that she wanted to be in that black and white box like them one day. 

What was their discipline like as a child? Coral's always had a feisty side, even from a young age, so she's no stranger to trouble. But she's never been inherently bad and would never be malicious unless provoked, so a good telling off and a grounding was usually all it took to keep her in line.

Were they rich, poor or somewhere in between? Somewhere in between, if not slightly on the richer side. They didn't have heaps and heaps of money, but they lived pretty comfortably and their house was one of the nicest amongst her friends, which meant that it was usually the go-to house for hangouts (something Tanner and Coral loved). 

Cultural History: does this affect the character, do they have cultural traditions that they follow

Not necessarily. Their grandmother is Hawaiian and they take yearly trips there to visit family and immerse themselves in the culture but not a great deal of that is incorporated into their everyday life. That doesn't mean that they don't love the traditions they do take part in when they're there though; the luaus are one of the best things they do all year. 

Flaws: every character should have a flaw (maybe they are really caring, but it leads to them being too trusting and getting manipulated; maybe they are super smart, but they have a hard time connecting to people as a result; etc) 

Coral has an almost obscene list of flaws, as most human beings do. She's stubborn and argumentative. She's feisty and brash and overbearing. She's a total drama queen, she's naive, she's vain, she's driven to a fault, she's overly emotional, she's flaky if uninterested, she falls in love too easily, she takes everything very personally (not ideal if she wants to be an actress) and she has a terrible temper. But I'm sure that there is more that I just can't think of at the moment. She's a bit of a hot mess, but she owns it.

Blank Spots: everyone has a bit of ‘basic knowledge’ that they somehow missed or misunderstood (it happens for everyone), what is the character’s ‘blank spot’

She thought that limes were just lemons that weren't ripe yet for longer than she'd care to admit.

Wants: what does the character want most, what do those around the character want for them

This is an easy answer that everyone around her knows the answer to. She wants to be a star. Well, she wants to be an actress, but ultimately all she really wants is stardom and she won't let anyone get in the way of that. 

Needs: what does the character actually need (this can be different from the wants, and often should be for character growth; however, the character growth can happen even if the wants and needs are the same by having the course of events be contrary to the characters expectations)

She needs to get a strong head on her shoulders. She needs some guidance and maturity before being let loose in the world and she needs the right support behind her. But most of all, she needs love. She needs to feel loved and she needs to have a connection with someone where she can open her heart and embrace her vulnerability instead of hiding it away.

Fears: what is the character afraid of? both literally and existentially

Failure to achieve her dreams, disappointing her family, being alone, being ridiculed, spiders and clumps of hair in drains

How do they handle:

Disappointment - If she's disappointed in herself then she'll really beat herself up about it, but if someone else is disappointed in her then it'll absolutely crush her and she'll get super upset

Anger - Not very well at all; she's got a pretty bad temper and it rears its head more than it should. She's not afraid to fight for something she believes in and isn't one to back down from an argument easily. It also takes her a while to calm back down too. 

Embarrassment - If she's acting she doesn't get embarrassed at all. But if it's just Coral and something embarrassing happens to her then it's crippling. She's so image-conscious and self-absorbed that if there's a possibility that something could taint that then she won't be able to let it go until she's fixed it.

Attraction - She's a total flirt and will happily play into any interest that is directed her way, but playing coy is as far as it goes with her; she's never been one to make the first move and feels much more comfortable using her alluring nature to attract attention rather than seeking out suitors herself.

Betrayal - Loyalty is a huge deal for Coral and she's very protective of those close to her. She places massive amounts of trust in her friends and they often reciprocate that, so betrayal is a massive issue for her and it's really difficult for her to cope with. She is quick to turn on someone and it's very hard for them to regain that trust if they've lost it. 

Fight or flight - In most situations she's not afraid to fight, but if she feels really overwhelmed and out of her comfort zone then she switches to flight mode and bolts. 

Money - Luckily, money was never an issue for her when she was growing up. But all the time she's spent flipping through magazines full of celebrities and the lavish lives they lead has left her with quite an expensive taste.  

Lack of sleep - She just gets a little cranky and snappy. She's not much of a coffee drinker, but if it helps her get through the day or makes her seem a little more sophisticated then she'll stomach it to give herself a boost.

Alcohol - It makes her really giggly at first but then she loses all her inhibitions and moves into the frame of mind where she thinks everything is a good idea. Soon she hits a wall though and either crashes back to the reality of sobriety or spirals into a black-out, drunken mess. No matter what though, she's a tipsy disaster when she drinks.

Injustice - She's not afraid to stand up for what she thinks is right and will fight for justice if she truly believes that something is unfair, no matter what anyone else says. She'll always trust her gut instinct.

Mental illness - It's not something that she's had to deal with at this point in her life, but as she struggles with issues later on in her life I think it will be difficult for her to cope with due to how much she allows her emotions to impact her. 

Grief - Again, she's a super emotional person and allows her feelings to deeply affect her, so grief is really overwhelming. She doesn't shut herself away, but sometimes the pain becomes so great that she can't comprehend or articulate what she's feeling anymore, to herself or to others.

Exercise - She's never been super sporty in the traditional sense, but she's been dancing since she was three and has taken up cheerleading in high school, not to mention all the surfing she does in her free time.

Defining moment:  is the character’s defining moment going to happen to them during the story or has it already happened (characters can have more than one defining moment)

Coral hasn't had a defining moment yet in the story, but there is one pretty major one coming up within the next few chapters, which impacts the lives of many of the characters, so keep your eyes peeled for that. She'll have quite a few distinct, defining moments in the story though that all shift her life onto different paths. So things are about to take a turn for her!

How do/would they feel about:

Glitter - Loves it! Duh!

Ferris Wheels - They're pretty fun, especially at the top when you can look out and see for miles around.

Camping - She does like being outdoors, but sleeping on the ground with bugs and no satin pillowcase is not really her jam.

Coffee - Thinks it tastes gross but makes you look sophisticated, so she'll make the sacrifice if she's feeling particularly tired.

Crispy or floppy bacon - crispy; floppy bacon weirds her out

Mushrooms - pretty indifferent, she doesn't hate them but she doesn't love them either

Twilight books/movies - A teen movie about vampires? Not really her sort of thing...unless she could be in it. 

Guns - She's pretty against them all; she just doesn't understand why anyone would feel the need to possess such a dangerous weapon. But we'll see how that opinion holds up as the story progresses...

Extras: 

Do they have a signature smile? - Of course, she's been practising her smile for the paparazzi for years!

Do they have a tell when they lie? - Nope, she's an actress and is a master when it comes to lying convincingly; if she has to convince a whole audience that she's a totally different person then she should surely be able to keep up a little lie.

Do they have any nervous tics? - She gnaws on the inside skin of her lip.

Do they speak loudly, softly or average volume? - A little on the loud side; she wants to be heard, she loves the attention.

What is their quality of voice? - She's got a bright, clear voice when speaking but if she opens it to sing then the real power is unleashed.

Do they gesture when they talk? - All the time, she's super expressive when she talks and is always using her hands to exaggerate things.

Do they have a good understanding of personal space? - Most of the time, but if you're one of her best friends then she's much more likely to invade it.

How do they greet other people? - Usually with a 'hey' or a 'hi' and one of her megawatt smiles 

How do they say goodbye? - Probably just by saying 'bye' or 'see ya' or maybe just waving, unless she's pissed at you, in which case you'd be lucky if she even looked at you, same goes for greeting people

Is there anything that they always have with them/on them? - She always has a hair tie and tons of perfume on. You can always count on her to have mints too.

Do they remember faces or names better? - Faces, she's hopeless with names unless they're important to her.

What does the character admire most in others? - Loyalty, ambition and kindness

Pet peeves - Loud chewers, people standing too close in lines and people who don't cover their mouth when they cough or sneeze

What grosses them out? - Not washing your hands after using the bathroom and when her boy friends scratch their balls and shove their hands in each others faces. 

[wilhelmjfink]

The Great Divide - Chapter 7

@crossbowking @jodiereedus22 @apossiblegentleman@mtngirlforever@sourwolf-sterek32 @winchester-angel @qrangr@cole-winchester @the-bottom-of-the-abyss @twdeadfanfic@crazyaboutnorman@deliciousassafrasssandwich @bunnymother93@96ssi @fireeyes-on-teller-dixon-grimes @ima-mther-fckn-starboy@thatsoragan @lonewolf471

A/N: new cover photo hehe :-)

Previous Chapter • Next Chapter

It was a painfully long night for Riley as she watched the single ray of faded sunlight rise into her cell from the open doors down the hall. It was hardly enough to light up a room, but her eyes had already adjusted to the darkness she’d been trapped in, so it made no difference to her anyway.

‘The Divide’ she’d heard it referred to as. 

The night was full of crying from cells adjacent to hers and screaming from somewhere outside of the concrete walls. At one point, she’d given up trying to block out the noise by clutching her hands over her ears to no prevail and resorted to humming loudly to herself in hopes to block out the sounds. It hardly worked and left her throat more raw than it had already been from the agonized screams from being branded like cattle.

She couldn’t see the scar, but she could reach her left arm around to feel it, level with her ribs on the flesh of her mid back. It felt like an ‘X’ and though she wasn’t sure what that indicated, she knew it couldn’t be anything good. It hurt and the mere thought of it churned her guts and she was sure it could’ve easily made her sick if she had anything in her stomach to throw up.

Sleep came to her in minuscule amounts, riddled with nightmares of course, and she’d given up on getting any rest long ago which left her tired and achy and the stale pieces of bread they’d finally given her did little to satiate her hunger.

She had a lot of time to think — a dangerous thing for her.

A lot of time to wonder what she’d done to deserve this treatment. She’d only been trying to help.

A lot of time to sit quietly and fight back tears when she thought about her friends and family back home and especially Daryl, her hopes dwindling from thoughts of being rescued and brought home to just simply wishing they were all safe and sound, with or without her.

Her eyes had dried out and couldn’t produce any more tears; not so long as she was dehydrated, at least. The skin around them was red and chapped from her constant rubbing, trying to stifle them as they’d never seemed to want to stop. She’d cried herself out.

And after she’d done that, she’d begun to get angry.

The morning brought one of the Slavemasters — she’d overheard one of them referring to their position as such, and she acknowledged that would leave her a slave — stomping into the small building and opening cells, tearing each individual out one by one and dragging them outside. It was a new day, and Riley had no idea what it held for her. And she was terrified.

But she refused to show it. She refused to let them break her. She would try as hard as she could, for as long as she fucking could, until she simply could take no more.

So when she was dragged from her cell she bit down on her lip to stop the cries of pain she’d felt every time she moved any part of her body, the fresh burn on her back seeming to tear further along her skin and searing every nerve in her body along with it.

The early dawn brought an eerie scarlet glow to the area, the constant dirty cloud of red that always lingered around the town. The man that had her, she assumed, was the same that she’d seen yesterday on account of the mask he’d dawned. She wondered what he’d planned to do with her for the day.

The city was an enormous maze of building remains and rigged up structures like boarded walls and small camps under makeshift canopies, burn barrels everywhere contributing to the smog and next to them usually some sort of forge or sawmill or furnace. It was always loud. But she could usually catch some chatter if she listened hard enough to those as she was pulled by them. 

They brought her to a big enclosed courtyard with the only exit being the alley they came through. However, it was closed in by rooms that she figured used to be some sort of motel — some old rusted numbers still hung up on the metal doors, big windows to their sides boarded up or shattered. And she watched as the doors would open and workers would step in and out and she breathed a sigh of relief because maybe they wouldn’t make her live in a cage like an animal. That night had been one of the longest in her entire life and more of them were sure to drive her insane very quickly.

Room thirteen had the three missing but the shadow of where it hung still remained on the door that was pushed open, startling all of the workers in that room as Riley was thrown in carelessly and the door slammed behind her. She stumbled forward onto her hands and knees and automatically retracted away when hands reached out to her, away from those monsters that lurked everywhere she looked, but they weren’t the same gloved hands. In fact, they were much smaller, much softer hands, and she looked up at who they belong to and was shocked to see an older woman staring back at her.

“Oh, honey,” the woman said, shaking her head in pity, “you must be new here, huh?”

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Riley sat topless on the stiff cot, wincing as Lidia used a small packet of burn cream and duct taped pieces of paper towels as bandages to cover the fresh wound on her back.

“Almost done.” The older lady said from over her shoulder.

Turns out the community of workers were tight-knit — at least those who had been here for some time. The Slavemasters seemed to have a tiny bit of compassion as it had turned out, giving the older of the workers the easier jobs that weren’t as strenuous as others. Like Lidia, who was in charge of food, for both masters and workers. The job itself, of course, was much rougher than a chef’s job would be anywhere else in the world before it turned — they had a reputation to keep up, naturally — but Lidia had somehow managed to remain a shining light in the darkness throughout her time here.

It baffled Riley, how some people could still find a reason to be genuinely happy even after the shit hand the world had dealt them.

“Did they take you, too?”

Riley sat up straighter, having forgotten Lidia was even there. “Huh?”

“I know you didn’t come here on your own,” she said matter-of-factly and Riley sighed, slouching back over so she could just remain small and unnoticeable. “So they took you away from somewhere, no?”

Riley thought hard about a response before she could find an answer she was comfortable with. As warm and gentle as Lidia seemed, Riley had a lot of time to contemplate her decisions to trust people so quickly as she sat curled up in the dark cell.

“Yeah,” she finally rasped, her shoulders slouching with a defeated sigh. “Yeah, they did.”

“Mm,” Lidia replied with a small nod as if she knew that was the answer regardless of how Riley responded. “Family? Friends?”

The conversation was so bitter, but yet, so natural — and Riley despised that.

No more small talk about the weather or your favorite sports teams latest game  your favorite musician releasing a new album. None of that even remotely mattered anymore.

So she snorted in disgust, racking her brain for an appropriate answer that actually conveyed how she was feeling. She was so mad. She was mad and scared and sad and she didn’t want to think about Daryl again. She didn’t want that infamous pang of metaphysical pain that hurt her heart every time she thought of his voice or his eyes or the feeling of being wrapped up in his arms, safe and sound...

“I had a husband before this. His name was Martin — well, we called him Marty.” Lidia must’ve gotten impatient waiting for Riley to respond as she tripped the end of the duct tape and fastened it to her back securely. “He made it through this whole mess with me, kept us both safe and alive. We’d been married for 47 years, and that was — oh, jeez, how long has it been now?”

“What happened to him?”

Lidia shook out an old tank top, whipping some dust off to clean it the best she could, doing the same with a pair of matching black shorts that hung off of her hips just slightly too big for her small frame that only seemed to be shrinking by the minute.

“I’m not sure. I was waiting for him to return from hunting one morning when those... monsters took me.” Her voice didn’t fluctuate, she hardly seemed emotional at all. Maybe it had been a long time and she’d learned to deal with it by then. Or maybe they really can break you here and Lidia was on the verge of snapping. Riley admired her inability to let rage take over her like she’d done many times just that day. “You have to earn your shoes,” Lidia added bluntly.

“How can you still be so happy?” Riley didn’t mean for the words to come out as sharp and venomous as they did, but she couldn’t help it. Here she was, listening to this poor old woman reminisce about her husband who she hadn’t seen in ages after she was ripped away from him and forced into a life of slavery, and she still found time to help others and to extend her kindness and warmth to them. It didn’t make sense.

“Honey, Marty loved me for a reason.” She explained. “And if I change my ways, then I would be letting him down... and the last thing that man would ever want me to do is give up. Do you understand?”

Her words felt like a punch in the stomach, like she was directing them toward Riley and her spiteful attitude toward life, even though she knew she wasn’t. How was it possible to go through all of those hardships and not feel as though the world owed you something?

“Thank you,” Riley stood up from the cot she’d been sitting on and gestured behind her, “for... all this.”

“Tell me about him.”

She watched as Lidia turned away to tidy up the rotted desk behind her, collecting the new medical supplies she had and shuffling them away into a box far in the corner. Daryl. Could she even manage to say his name? Again, the conversation was so sourly casual to Riley, but there was something strong about this woman that Riley was drawn to; something that made her extremely wary, unable to forget the events that led her here in the first place.

But ultimately, she decided there was no harm in Lidia’s request, and maybe taking about him would help her feel a little bit better.

She sighed and slumped back down onto the mattress, trying to bury the sadness that overcame her. Lidia sat in a rickety wooden chair across from her. “His name’s Daryl.”

“Tell me about this Daryl.”

Where do I even start? “Daryl is the most...” her heart was swelling with admiration already and butterflies fluttered in her stomach like she was swooning to a friend about a crush after a first date. It was bittersweet — that even after all this time, he could still make her heart race and hands clam up. But yet, she found it hard to describe him accurately with just words. “He is the most selfless, misunderstood, and... broken human being that I’ve ever met.”

Lidia rested her head in her hand thoughtfully, become increasingly enthralled with Riley’s story word by word. “That is quite the combination.”

“Yeah,” the corner of her mouth absentmindedly quirked up into a small smile, just longingly daydreaming about him now; maybe if she described him with enough detail, enough to make him so vivid and tangible, he would just appear in front of her and take her back home. “He’s quite the anomaly.”

“Why do you say that?”

Why did she say that? That word seemed appropriate and rolled right off of her tongue. “He spends so much time being angry and pretending like he doesn’t care about anybody or anything... but I’ve never met somebody like him before — someone so selfless who would do anything for anybody just because he wants nothing more than to... just belong.”

Lidia was listening intently.

“Well, it sounds like you’re very special to Daryl.”

Riley’s cheeks flushed and she couldn’t help but smile.

“He’s very special to me.” The giddiness was short lived, though, and she blinked away the familiar pain of tears building up in her eyes. Everything she’d been trying to avoid showed itself in the form of watery eyes and a breaking voice. “I miss him so much.”

“I think you’re special, too, Riley.” Lidia leaned forward and used a tattered rag to comfortingly wipe away her tears. “And I don’t think that this is the end of your story. You just need to have hope. You can’t give up on Daryl.”

what a sweet old lady......

i will update the master list & the ‘previous’ ‘next’ chapter things tomorrow cuz i’m exhausted goodnight enjoy~~~

@crossbowking @jodiereedus22 @apossiblegentleman@mtngirlforever @sourwolf-sterek32 @winchester-angel @qrangr@cole-winchester @the-bottom-of-the-abyss @twdeadfanfic @crazyaboutnorman @deliciousassafrasssandwich @bunnymother93 @96ssi @fireeyes-on-teller-dixon-grimes @ima-mther-fckn-starboy @thatsoragan @lonewolf471

title pic: background daryl i am the girl on the right lmao  

[thyrideneverends]

(2017)

Escritos que encontre del año 2017 . Y conversaciones conmigo desde el año 2020 ([]).

____________________________ AAAHGH IM SO FUCKING SAD. I cant help but feel that im rotting. I dont want pity; people helping; people empathizing. FUCK YOU. I can do better than you. I DO. In fact. I havent been blinded, and hate everything around me as an excuse for giving my life away for what it was supposed to be. [this could be missunderstod since i was clearly angry 4 something i dont recall, I was refering to people in general, how they put themselves above the others, how they always wanna get "there" first, how they talk trash about their relationships, the anger, the hate that breeds out of them when they are wronged(even if there`s no purpose or whatsoever to cause them, specifically, any troubles), the screaming, the violence, that kind of hate..]

I dont want to just 'be happy' because I have to; so I reject happiness. But I want to feel it like something real and not made up.. does that makes sense? Thats a paradox i cant escape lately. [thats deep man, fortunately we figured that out. Have we figured that out? Happiness now is closed for manteinance ^-^ ]

I cant find pleasure in anything.. I destroyed everything..[you had to start somewhere, right?] I cant find meaning in anything.

I just need someone, i just need not to be alone. But I am; Even surrounded by everyone. I know I am. I know you are too.. I hope you are strong enough to endure it.

[hablabas de otro tipo de soledad, lo se, pero vos todavia no lo sabias, o si?]

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Sometimes I feel like I forgot an important part of being alive. I remember a different version of myself from a few years back. I feel like I'm just existing; nothing pushes my happy button. And when I'm not strong enough to think that it's fine; that I don't need that.. I will just panic questioning myself why, the reason for me not belonging. I know it's fine; I know I can just spend the rest of my..50years left? just doing this; living this eternal circling hell. You might say it's a choice.. That I don't put that much effort into it. That I'm just playing this part. Complaining my ass off. And to that.. I can only say I'm sorry.. I'm doing the best I can. [I know you were.. truly; and u did a great job never letting me down] _________________________________________

Why are we even here right.. What powers you? You wake up, work or study, ingest food, sleep. Repeat. To finish your career and become something.. To earn enough money to become someone.. Be better in what you're doing or you'll be out. You'll be useless. You'll be garbage. We[the system] won't need you.. And then we have to be happy about it.. We have to function collectively happy and there's no room for the outcasts.. And IM to blame for it.. I could be happy like all of them.. But I'm just sitting my ass here thinking what else I can sabotage, in order to understand why it's unnecessary and wish to be also capable of that... Just capable maybe of.. not be weird; not be me.. And sometimes thats all that matters. That Im me.. And I love not being a part of them. I just can never get a hold of that moment and make it last.. I will feel alone just a moment after. [Im so glad we worked our loneliness, I mean, we have such fine moments in silence..]

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Aah... I was just given advice by a hot girl on tinder about how should I type, express and resume myself so the person on the other side of the screen won't stop replying thinking I'm an idiot.. She basically said :- "hey, you're an idiot but maybe a cute one. Here's human help. Just stop being you and people will like you" Y'know what? that's bullshit... It makes me so anxious that it happens all the time. There's always someone judgin. Not only online; real life is the worst. I just don't fit in here I guess. I'll keep talking with the tinder girl, maybe and get emptynessly laid, why not? But I think I hate this.. I hate that everything craves for a definition and people just won't LOOK; Im hidden among them... God how I wish to know who's there ravaging their brains with questions while walking in that empty crowd. I wish I could find you and ask just what you were thinking there. At that unique moment. You are not alone... But if you feel like I do; I wonder if you also wonder. I wonder if we're just very far away from each other.. I wonder if it`s true that there can only be one of us by this cosmic rule that goes: only one 'you/me' for every thousand people. Or.. maybe it's just me. Too old to be an idiot... Too idiot to fully be himself around smart well adjusted people. I guess it's a matter of perspective. isn't it pretty much all? Have a good night stranger.. [Not so stranger.. my dude.. U didn't get laid btw, you couldn't pull through with that. And then you promised you wouldn't lie about who you are.. You wouldn't ever play another role other than the one you are. Well, it was more like a statement than a promise, to yourself. I was there.. Best decision you ever made. You mutated loneliness into a condition, a simple symptom of your choice of living; instead of a disease on itself.. Very clever.]

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You don't have to read but if you wanna unload please write it down. Everything u hate.. or love; This I wrote on my personal account but it makes me anxious to open myself to judgy people, so I erased it.. We live to judge because we love fixing things that didn't go right with us. Never understanding each perspective is unique. Well Im gonna paste it here because I don't want to lose it.. I don't want something I really meant to be just a deleted thing..(even if it is)

Have u ever felt like you're unique or different?   But then just analyzing, we all just walk towards and objective. We don't do things just because. You don't get up every day to just go to work.. to just have breakfast or go shopping, idk; people set goals. We follow patterns. We repeat the same exact thing to strangers of the streets. The same exact things other strangers reply to us.. We are the same NPCs to others. And then realizing this I just wanna scream PLEASE GET ME OUT OF THIS. Please look at me! I don't want this. I don't want to be aware of this.. I don't want to feel I'm just to you what you guess I am. What's the point of everything? How do I get to know who I am if I'm always this self-centered stupid attempt of somebody? Nobody wants that. Sometimes I am glad to be "awake". To be different from the other people in their bubbles... But most of the time I'd give EVERYTHING to be exactly like that. Because I feel lonely. Because I have so many friends, but we can't communicate. Because I've lost the ideal of love because at a certain point I was scared of being a problem and it hurts so fucking much. I don't think I am special.. or more intelligent or cultural, I just feel I have a different degree of "profoundness" than most other people. It's not something I talk about or show, most of the time i pretend to fit in, but I don't. I can fool myself for periods, I've fooled myself for so many years now, but in the end it always comes back, I can't hide it forever. it hurts so much. I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse and I feel like a fucking show-off that just wants attention..

[I felt that.. dude. You write beautifully..]

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Hi person reading this. Be nice, life is full of shitty people. Make a tiny difference; someday we're all gonna die so its cool. Dont hold grudges ^^ . [^^]

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We are all just internet jesters shitposting to fill the void Even if you're just taking selfies and being beautiful while loving life, smiling to nothing and eating healthy shit while showing off the new place you just visited to a bunch of strangers that doesn't give a fuck about you .. (actually those are the worsts) yeah.. (Don't get me wrong I'm not saying it's bad. I do that too ! we like showing ourselves to others..) Screaming... I exist. Notice me sempai. We just are ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

________________________________________________ *draw of myself* [couldnt find it anywhere, where did u put it D: . i remember the sad expression] I know It has a lot of imperfections but so do I. I guess this is how I see myself.. Maybe I just wanted it to be like that. To express something to myself. I still feel like a little kid sometimes even tho I'm 25; "I just can't play with the other kids because I feel different and they make me feel different." Now I can't play with the adults, they're too adults. They make me feel too adult; i need to act up every move to become like them. And then alone, I can be at peace being who I wanna be; But it gets lonely from time to time; Not being able to understand who are you really; where are you really above the necessity of impersonating this other dude to get laid, get the job, get the money. And for what?.. Just to keep doing it because there is really no other choice.. How sad. But anyway. Ever tried to draw yourself? To see what's the image of you that you hold in your head.. if u truly do it; it doesn't matter if you know or not how to proyect yourself.. Every trace you make on that paper is a creation this world has never seen.. your chance to make a difference; it doesn't have to be trendy or impact in mankind. I suppose that's what I call art. And that's why art is everywhere.. Everything that can never be repeated.. Anything that comes from you; or life itself. A random amount of dirt.. Sunlight getting through the leaves of a tree.. Pieces of a broken cup and the stain of coffee in the carpet.. I'm not an artist myself tho; never considered myself even close to one.. I haven't drawn in years.. This is my first one in a long time; I just felt like it.

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