#anyway good god this show is still managing to be hell somehow. i'm so tired!

[brynnmclean]

the end of this production honestly cannot come fast enough

[grapementos]

redamancy

(v.) the act of loving someone in return.

a/n: the final part of the cheating triology.

kirishima and midoriya’s part.

bakugo x gn reader

warnings: cheating, panic attack (kinda), suggestive, crying

pro-hero dynamight didn't have the best rep with the press, if his exhausted pr team was anything to go by. seldom were there headlines about him without outburst or, the media's favorite little play on words, explosive following suit.

then, suddenly, his brash behavior had stopped. it was so abrupt that no one even noticed at first.

once they did, the questions came flooding in. many of them were speculations of anger management classes or something of that nature. in the end, they were all denied until the big question came:

'are you in a relationship?'

it was confirmed, and the crowd went wild. within days there were tabloids of 'pro-hero dynamight's secret lover: who could it be?'

it was innocent at first; just plain curiosity about a public figure.

but then it got deeper. talk shows got psychologists to give professional insight as to how a relationship with someone like dynamight would be.

as expected, it wasn't positive. and soon enough, everyone on the internet was bashing dynamight for being dangerous or violent, specifically towards his lover, whom they knew nothing about.

you'd rub the tension out of his shoulders at the end of the day, reminding him that he was good, no matter what the media had to say. they didn't know him like you did.

your comfort and reassurance usually calmed him down and left him grumbling, "i didn't even care anyways."

so he took the criticism. and he took the bashing, the false speculation—and he kept moving forward.

that is, until someone thought it'd be fun to make a 'top ten pro-heroes who'd cheat' blog post that went absolutely viral. it reached every corner of the internet, even getting mentioned in the news as outraged heroes demanded the website be removed.

the number one spot, the one bakugo had yearned for, was his.

but not in the way he wanted.

being ranked most likely to cheat did a number on his behavior, both in public and private. he was more distant and less explosive, which somehow spurred the press on more.

they concluded that he cleaned up his act because the blog was right and he wanted to create a better image for himself. that wasn't true at all—he was just tired.

so tired, in fact, that he proved the rumors right.

denki was draped over your couch, watching some game show on tv when you found out. the two of you had planned to hang out for a bit and watch a movie at the cinema, but nothing good was showing, so you ultimately decided to head back to your place.

your shared place. with bakugo.

you assumed it was one of his late nights since he wasn't home, so you started cooking dinner, making small talk with denki.

"so you can go swimming, then?" you quirked a brow, poking your head into the living room.

"yeah, just as long as i don't activate my quirk, you know?" denki opened his mouth to explain further, but the front door messily slammed open, beating him to it.

and there he was. bakugo katsuki.

with someone else in his arms, his face nearly being eaten as they pushed back and forth against each other.

everything stopped the moment he made eye contact with you. the kissing stopped, your brain stopped—it even felt like the tv was muted.

even worse was that his eyes held no remorse. just a little surprise, like finding your old charger after buying a new one.

"thought you were hanging out with dunce face," his voice was gruff, low and sultry as his gazed burned into you with... impatience?

"katsuki, what're you.." you mumbled out, brain still trying to process the sight before you, "why're you.."

"didn't think you'd be back already." he shrugged, gaze shifting back to the person he was with. and only then did his brows relax, lips tugging up into a smile. "now, if you'll excuse us.."

he tried to walk past you, but you shoved his chest, "what the hell are you doing?" you nearly screamed, eyes red and burning with tears.

"haven't you heard the rumors, y/n? i'm a cheater. you don't need to be with someone like me."

you saw the flash of hurt in his eyes, but even that couldn't overpower the utter devastation pooling all the way from your chest to your toes. oh, it hurt.

"kami," you whispered desperately once they were gone—in the room that you used to sleep in—head starting to swim, "kami, help me, please."

you didn't even know what you wanted him to help you with. you just wanted everything to stop.

he rushed to your side, finally snapping out of his shocked daze. his arms were around you in an instant, chin on top of your head, "you're okay, y/n, i'm here. it's okay."

you were shaking and sobbing into his shirt, grip tight on his unzipped jacket.

"it hurts. oh god, it hurts. kami, make it stop, please." you shuddered, and everything was suddenly too loud.

he held you tightly, letting you cry for what felt like hours.

and then he got you out of there.

BONUS:

the healing process was long and still incomplete. some days you still felt so empty, only able to complete the bare necessities to get through your day, but denki was by your side when he could be.

you'd since moved out of your shared home with bakugo and into a place of your own, which was a difficult adjustment. but with denki calling you twice a day—literally—you didn't have a chance to be lonely.

most nights he spent at your house, claiming it was because he loved your cooking.

you weren't dumb; denki flirted with you all the time. he was truly unashamed every time he greeted you with a 'hey, hottie', and bid you goodbye with a 'love you, sweetcheeks'.

it made you cringe, but it was denki, so you had to love him.

after a year of being closer than ever, he’d asked you on a date numerous times, receiving a playful 'no, you know i'm not ready for that.'

but, one time was special. one time was heartfelt and so genuine that you shed real tears. denki laid his heart bare for you, every ounce of emotions spilling out of him and onto your shirt.

"i know you're not ready, y/n, but i love you so much. i'll wait for you, i swear it!"

and after all those no's, you finally said yes.

i like to think that bakugo did it for you. obviously this wasn’t the right way to go about it, but he just.. kind of got so tired of being accused of something terrible. he became the monster they swore he was. and you got caught in the crossfire. also i bolded dynamight instead of bakugo because i feel like this focuses on that part of his persona. his hero-self got too wrapped up in the media. also! kirishima was originally gonna be the new lover, but i feel like it’d be too similar to the other bakugo one i wrote.

reblogs are appreciated.

[navalcriminalimagines]

Match

Fic inspired by this scene (S17xE15) and @specialagentastra ❤️(gif and pic are mine)

Tags: @hotch-meeeeeuppppp @madamsnape921 @specialagentastra @ncisfan

Get Started.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs isn't sure what got into him. How did Phil Brooks manage to get him to do it? He hates everything about online dating, about smartphones, about technology. Why did he press the button? Sure, he still can change his mind, erase his profile (if he ever find how) and forget all about it.

But the truth is...he's lonely. For many years, he lied about it to everyone, saying that he wasn't if someone asked. But he is. Very much so.

Plus, online dating doesn't involve into anything, right? He's just going to see women's profiles and that's it. "Swipe left if you don't like her. Swipe right if you do." Phil told him. God, how he hates smartphones.

But Gibbs is smart. He hates those things and never got interested in them, but as Phil and Tobias show him how to use his new phone, he starts to get it. He just doesn't know more than what they show him.

Changing his picture profile was one of those things. "If you don't like the one I choose for you, here's how you can change it."

It's not that Gibbs doesn't like the picture, but he thinks that the less we see of him, the better. So, instead of the one Phil took, he puts one that was taking by Tobias while they were fishing. He can be seen from afar, holding the fish he just caught. That seems right to him.

Gibbs doesn't spend much time on the app. Sometimes at night, he hears the phone buzzing and he checks. Women swiped him to the right. He swiped to the left.

Maybe he's being picky. Or maybe he just doesn't how he supposed to value someone through a picture or two and not many more information about them. It feels so impersonal to Gibbs. He hates it.

"Have you match with someone?" Phil asks one night.

"No."

"Gibbs, come on!" His friend spots the phone on the coffee table and grabs it. "Let me do it for you." And he does.

For what feels like an eternity for Gibbs, Phil swipes either left or right, while the Agent is annoyingly looking at the western movie on his old tv.

"Crap, look at her!" Phil holds the phone right under Gibbs's nose. He doesn't have his glasses on, so the screen appears blurry to him. With a smile, Phil offers him the glasses with his free hand.

Still very annoyed, Gibbs grabs them. "Too young." He says when he sees the age.

"But pretty as hell!"

"Too. Young."

"Too. Late." he uses the same tone as Gibbs's. "I swiped right!"

"I hate you."

"You'll thank me when you'll have a date with--" Phil checks the name. "Y/N."

* * * * *

Online dating has never been good to you. You've been on it for about year, after a bad breakup, and until now, you've only matched with weirdos. None of those match led to an actual meeting and you were getting tired of it.

You barely pay attention when a new notification from the app comes through. You focus on your book, forgetting about it until your curiosity gets the best of you.

"Leroy Jethro Gibbs," you read out loud. "Dude, you seem good looking but a fish holding picture? Seriously?" yes, you're talking to your phone.

There's nothing much to this Leroy's profile. And the picture definitely doesn't get your interest, it's quite the opposite actually. You put your phone aside without locking it and return to your book.

A few minutes later, another notification comes through.

Leroy: Hey :)

How? How did he manage to send you a text? You didn't swipe. Or at least, you thought you didn't, but after checking, you realized that you did swipe... to the right. Damn.

You're too nice, you don't want to leave him on read - you know how terrible that is - so it's better you answer and eventually tells him the truth, or something close to it.

You: Hello.

Leroy: How are you?

You: I'm fine, thank you. You?

Leroy: Better now that you swiped right.

You: Smooth.

Leroy: I'm not really used to this. Are you?

You: More or less.

Leroy: I'd prefer to meet someone face to face.

You: Why are you on a dating app, then?

Leroy: Didn't you read my bio?

You: I did. But that friend didn't put a knife on your throat, did they?

Leroy: Nope. But if he did, I know how to fight anyway.

You: Right, former Marine?

Leroy: Gunnery Sergeant.

You could have stopped the conversation as soon as it's started, but somehow, you went on and on, all night long.

* * * * *

"What the hell are you still doing on that phone?" Gibbs asks his friend.

"Still talking with Y/N. I think she likes you."

Gibbs disappeared in his basement hours ago, leaving Phil is the living room. He knew that Phil sent you a text as soon as you matched with him, but he didn't except for it to keep going for that long.

"That's not me talking to her. It's you."

"I know you well enough to know what you'd say."

"You don't know me well enough to not do things like that to me."

"Stop complaining and get ready for a date this weekend."

* * * * *

Gibbs is still not sure how he got into this. But somehow, he finds himself at the diner on a Saturday night, waiting for a young and beautiful woman to meet him.

Is he nervous? No.

Maybe a little.

Okay, he is.

He read all the texts you exchanged with Phil - thinking that it was actually him - to make sure he wouldn't miss something. But it doesn't feel right anyway. It feels like he's lying to you before he even met you. That's not how a relationship can start and work.

Although, the chance of this turning into a relationship are close to none. "You know, you could just take her home, spend the night with her and the next morning--bye-bye." Divorce really changed Phil.

Gibbs is facing the entry, and checks everyone who’s coming in. He’s on his second coffee when he finally sees you.

Phil was right, you’re pretty as hell. But still very young, Gibbs doesn’t understand how you can even get interested in an old man like him.

But he doesn’t have to overthink it as you softly introduce yourself to him. He stands up and shakes your hand. You sit across the table and for a moment, none of you talk. You both feel awkward. “I don’t really know how to—“ he starts saying.

“Me neither.” You chuckle. “You’re actually the first match I’m meeting.”

“Really?” He looks at you, extremely surprised.

“Well, yeah. You know those weirdos I talked with…”

Gibbs vaguely remembers that part of the texts. But to avoid saying the wrong thing, he asks you what you want to drink. “Coffee’s fine.”

He calls for the waitress and orders your coffee. “People usually doesn’t understand how I can drink coffee at night.”

“Same. But with or without it, I don’t sleep much anyway.”

That’s how it started. Once you were talking, everything went smoothly between you two. You’re very interested by him, just like he’s by you. “You’re very nice, Leroy. There’s something I need to tell you.”

“I’m listening?”

“I didn’t mean to swipe right. It was mistake—but I’m really happy I did. You’re not a creep,” you warmly smile at Gibbs, he feels his heart melting inside his chest.

“I appreciate your honesty. I guess I should do the same.” You raise an eyebrow at him. “I wasn’t the person you talked with. My friend did it for me.”

Well, what you did was a honest mistake. What he did was... weird. You looked at him, confused and a bit disappointed. "I just ruined it, didn't I?" he asks for the look on your face.

"I talked with a man and met another one... that's--strange, Leroy."

"Look, this whole online dating-- that's really not my thing. And Phil, my friend, just wanted to help." he explains. "What do you say we start all over?"

Despite the other people talking around you and Gibbs, there's a long silence between you two. Gibbs just stares at you, unsure of what you're going to do.

You're thinking for a moment, before finishing your coffee. You stand up and to the man's surprise, you smile at him. "I'm gonna sit at the counter. Come talk to me like none of this happened."

He deserves the benefit of the doubt.

[writerfae]

I have no excuse for this. I didn't even have a plan with this. I just wanted to write Sera and writing Sera always comes with her teasing Talon. And somehow it ended up to be this. Don't ask me where I was planning (I didn't) to go with this, I do not know it myself.

It's modern AU. And I typed it entirely on my phone, with no intend to upload it at first. But now I did anyway because I'm still impressed I got some writing done, even if it's just random. Hope you enjoy.

Talon yawned, hands clutching his coffee mug. He was at his and Aiden's favorite Café, having breakfast with his sister.

Aiden wasn't with them this time. He was at home, most likely still in bed, and honestly, Talon kinda wished he could be there too, cuddled up against his boyfriend.

"You look tired. Are you okay?" Sera asked, stealing a piece of watermelon from her brother's fruit salad. Another yawn was her answer.

"Yeah." Talon nodded. "Aiden came back from Canada yesterday. It was kind of a long night, that's all."

Sera wiggled her eyebrows. "Long night, huh?" She sounded amused. "I see."

Talon reached over the table to shove her shoulder. "Shut up. Not what you think," he scolded. Sometimes he really wondered who exactly was the mature one here.

"I picked him up from the airport in the middle of the night. It took us nearly two hours to get home. Aiden was completely gone once his head hit the pillow."

"Is it just me or do you sound disappointed?"

He gave his sister another shove. "Shut up, I'm not," he muttered, but his cheeks and ears colored a light red. A clear sign that he felt embarrassed.

"I'm happy he's back. I missed him."

Talon's older sister chuckled. "Yes, I know. You've been moping about it the entire time while he was gone."

"No, I didn't."

"You totally did."

"No."

"Yes"

"No."

Sera laughed at the way Talon's face got even more red from her teasing.

"Aw, no need to be embarrassed about it. I think it's cute." She smiled.

"Never thought I would ever see my baby brother being so attached to someone. You grew so much. I'm proud of you."

Sera wiped away an imaginary tear in mock emotion. But deep down, she really meant what she said. She was glad Talon had learned to open up and let someone in. She was glad it was Aiden, too. He was good for her brother.

Talon hid his face in his hands. "God Sera, can you stop being embarrassing? It's too early for that."

She grinned. "Never. Embarrassing you is basically my job. I'm your big sister."

"You're annoying is what you are," Talon muttered.

"Hey," Sera pointed at him with her fork. "Respect your elder."

Talon snorted. "What are you, sixty?"

"It sure as hell feels like it sometimes." Sera grimaced. "My back is killing me lately."

They laughed. Suddenly Talon's phone display lit up, showing a new message.

It was from Aiden.

Sera leaned forward to try and sneak a look at the message, as usual lacking any sense of privacy (much to her brother's dismay) and smiled to herself as she saw that Talon had a picture of his boyfriend set as his lockscreen.

Talon snatched the phone away from the table and his sister's curious gaze to read the text. Sera watched as he smiled to himself, typing out an answer.

Ah, young love, she couldn't help but think. Cute.

Talon would probably kill her with his fork if she would've said it out loud, or scold her for sounding like a grandma again.

So Sera kept quiet, taking a bite of her scrambled eggs instead.

"He just woke up," Talon said, still looking down on his phone and Sera wasn't sure if he talked to her or to himself. "Asked me where I am. Idiot, didn't he read the note I left him?"

He shook his head, pretending to be annoyed, but Sera noticed the fondness in her brother's voice. (She didn't know one could call someone an idiot so affectionately.)

She smiled. "Seems like someone misses you, huh?"

Talon answered to her teasing by flipping her off, not even bothering to look up from his phone. But he smiled, too. Sera leaned back in her seat, chuckling.

"Why are you here anyway? I half expected you to not show up at all, given the fact Aiden just came home. You haven't seen each other in what, a month? I thought you'd be all over him now that he's back, given how much you were pining after him while he was gone."

"I was not pining," Talon stated, throwing a grape at his sister. Sera successfully dodged it.

"And I came because I didn't want to stand you up. We meet every second Saturday. Aiden was still sleeping, he's tired from the flight and needs some rest, otherwise I would've asked him to join."

He took a sip from his coffee. "I was trying to be polite here."

"Since when have you ever been polite?" Sera laughed.

Her brother only scoffed as an answer.

He could have breakfast with Aiden in his warm bed right now, thank you very much. Instead, he sat here and let his older sister make fun of him.

"The way you keep teasing me, I start to regret it. I should've dumped you after all."

Sera pouted. "Aw, don't be like that."

Another message from Aiden popped up on Talon's screen, catching the attention of both siblings.

Oh, I see, till later then. Have fun. And greet Sera from me. I love you.

A soft smile spread on Talon's face as he stared at the message. A rare one, Sera noted. (Rare to everyone that wasn't Aiden, that is.)

It surprised Sera every time how Aiden managed to get her brother to react like this. He's really gone for this boy, isn't he?

"Oh my God." She rolled her eyes. It was a playful gesture. "Hurry up and go home to him already. I start to feel guilty about keeping you from him."

"What?" Talon asked, confused, only now looking up from his phone.

His sister crossed her arms.

"I said go to your boyfriend and spend some long overdue time with him, goddammit."

She grinned and made a gesture as if to shoo Talon away.

"We can meet up next time. Do us all a favor and go to your Aiden now. I think you two need it."

Talon warned to protest at first, but Sera fixed him with a glare that said not to argue with her and he really wanted to go see his boyfriend, so he nodded, grabbed his jacket and stood up.

"Okay. I'll go. Thanks, Sera." Hurriedly he put on his coat and kissed his sister's cheek. "I'll text you later. Bye."

"Goodbye, Tal. Tell my favorite in-law I said hi," she joked.

Talon stuck out his tongue to her and Sera replied by doing the same, laughing.

Then he went to the counter to pay for his and Sera's breakfast, getting apple pie for Aiden along the way because he knew how much his boyfriend loved the cake here, and made his way outside, waving goodbye to his sister.

Sera chuckled, waving back. As she watched him leave, she took a sip from her orange juice, thinking about how glad she was to see her brother finally be so happy again.

*

just some background information: I imagine this takes place when Talon and Aiden are in their last year of college, a good while after their relationship break, mind you, where they finally got their shit together again (it's also like, a year before their engagement I think). as you might (or not) know, Aiden went abroad for a year during the relationship break, working for a wolf center in Canada. He grew pretty fond of the place, the animals and people there so from time to him he visits the center for a month or so if given the opportunity. that's where he returned from in this short, too.

modern au masterpost

general tag list: @deadlycupid @writing-is-a-martial-art @writingamongther0ses @blueinkblot @wildswrites @abiandwriting @theroyalcoven @7devills @myhusbandsasemni @authortango @sleepy-night-child @charleeyy @formulatingfiction @shiishki @gr3y-heron

[jiwonsssi]

— stress relief, p. 2

All well that ends well.

Warnings: its pure pwp, idek where to start

Characters: Eun Jiwon/Sandara Park

Realisation of the upcoming uneasy conversation came upon Dara at the moment when he finally stopped a car in front of her apartment building; Jiwon was tensed at the point that even air was thick around them. He tried his best to afford it; to fail miserably. Dara could tell that he's stressed, because he squeezed the steering wheel to the point of white knuckles.

She wanted to break the atmosphere, to say something, that would ease his nerves. But what would that be? 'I didn't mean that, you know. You misunderstood. Hehe'.

No, Sandara doesn't want to take her words back. But the atmosphere now is changed. A lot. They barely even talked after he took her our of the event.

She said exactly what she meant to say. But with what have she been thinking when asking it; only God knows.

She was nervous as well. And it was no less obvious - tugging on the hem of her dress and not even looking at him; feeling like a teenage girl again. But shes not teenager anymore, right? It was her who said that, it's not like she can just bury her head in sand now.

So Dara found all the courage she had to ask him again.

Dear Lord and God and Jesus and someone out there, she had never did anything like that. Never in her life she stuck in a situation like that; Jiwon never helped her. Though he was never easy.

- So, I.. - she looked at the panel of his car, scanning with eyes smooth black plastic like it was the most fascinating thing she ever saw, - Look, I, um, it's not like I want to take my words back. In fact, I'd hate to, but I..

She hears him laughing all of sudden and looks at him with all anger she can manage. She was trying to say important staff! With all her courage! What audacity he really holds, huh.

- Don't make excuses, we both understand what it was, okay? You look ridiculous right now, - he continues smiling and Dara doesn't feel offended or something. They indeed understand. Yeah.

Dara smiles at him, nodding. She has no idea what should she understand.

- Coffee? You helped me earlier and took me home, I need to thank you now anyway, - atmosphere is still a little tense but it's not awkward anymore. She doesn't feel out of place. She has met him a few times and it all was in uncomfortable circumstances; yet she was always okay. It's all on him, right?

Jiwon helps her everytime in the end.

- Sure, - he agrees maybe a little too quickly. Maybe. And maybe she smiles a little too wide, - Let's go.

Fresh air feels incredible and Dara takes a few extra seconds to inhale; she had been crying like a bear just an hour ago and memories are still vivid. Her knees a little weak and hands shake slightly; it's difficult to make it to the elevator on heels, but she manages. She can sense that Jiwon waits for her by not walking too fast. And that is the part of a reason why she doesn't feel like falling to the floor and crying till the next morning.

- Aren't you tired? I can make it, - he stands a few steps away, burying his hands deep in the pockets and looking a lot more relaxed. Dara hopes that his brain is no longer filled with unnecessary thoughts and she's really happy about it, - I mean, your shoes. And in general. You know, the whole evening, all that cameras, people around..

He's rumbling and it's so cute, she smiles widely, not being able to surpass it. Oh, God. He cares. He really does.

- If you were wondering why I cried, it's because I was overwhelmed with 'the whole evening', you are absolutely right here, - Dara looks at him, trying to ignore everything that she feels about the whole thing. Because now she is not less overwhelmed, to be honest. But with different emotions somehow. Because maybe they stand a little too close, - I'm good now, so don't worry. Let me do it for you, okay? I'll be in my fluffy slippers, so it should be fine.

Jiwon smiles again, hiding with hand and it also feels amazing. He truly is her teenage year's crush. But now she is no longer a teenager, and he is no longer unattainable.

If it would be possible to tell teenage Sandara that something like that would happen in the future.. God, she would live only by waiting for it.

- Okay. Only because of fluffy slippers, - and the atmosphere is so good, she literally cannot hide how happy she is. Dara feels herself so light-headed. Like that shitty day, even, maybe, a week, suddenly came to this exact point to bring her an actual cure in the face of Eun Jiwon. Totally worth it.

- Feel yourself at home, - she offers him to enter first, apologizing that she has only one pair of fluffy slippers and even offering it to him; he says no, but Dara believes it's only out of politeness. No one can say 'no' to pink fur in their right mind.

She then goes to kitchen, feeling like she's flying - those heels really made her look fine as hell, even she was sure about it, but now she doesn't feel less fine without them; just a lot more short. A lot. Ugh.

She hears water splashing from afar when she had only turned a coffee machine on, and so at the next moment, he's standing beside a small kitchen counter already without a jacket and three upper buttons undone, looking through his phone with utterly serious expression. Jesus Christ. That is no good for her mental stability.

- My manager was looking for me. I feel like I'm five, - he puts his phone on a surface and rubs his face; Dara gets it quickly - he's annoyed.

- And so as an adult you patiently told him where you are so he wouldn't be nervous, - she turns to pay attention to the working machine, which already filled the air with strong coffee aroma, - Didn't you?

She doesn't get response quickly, but when she does, it's equally cute and hilarious.

- No, I told him to fuck off, - and Jiwon is so puzzled with himself now, it's written on his face clearly. Dara just laughs again, shaking her head and proceeding to make americano, - In my defense, I was polite.

- You cannot say 'fuck off' politely, - technically you can. Possibly.

- But I did, - he's now standing behind her, looking above her shoulder on what she's doing, - Smells nice.

- Thank you, it's all on her, - she tups the top of coffee machine, ignoring how a brood of goosebumps ran down her spine.

Dara turns around to get another cup, not proceeding that Jiwon is right behind her. A lot more closer than she thought, actually. It's such a cliché.

- But still, - he's not planning on moving tho. She can feel him tensing up a little and the next thing he says.. any other man in any other situation would have been kicked out in seconds; but God knows, thoughts on their minds are absolutely the same, - Is there a chance I still can ask you that question?

She waits just a second, melting under his gaze, and he is oh-so-close and mother raised a decent woman but it doesn't matter anymore.

She is a decent grown up woman and she can sleep with whoever she wants to.

The thing is, she is the only one who thinks it's something bad. And her face shows it; Jiwon frowns and tilts his head a little. Like a cute little puppy, but Dara is sure you cannot look cute while being that hot.

- I'm not going to leave after, I promise. We can try to.. - he places his hand on her cheek and her exhale is so shaky. She desperately wants to give up to him, she can feel that pulsating sensation in her body when she's even imagining it for a second. She bites lower lip, frowning her brows a little. Why is she so scared? Jiwon clearly can sense it. That's why his breath is not better, it lingers on her lips, she feels every his word on her skin. The perfect distance to make her lose her mind, - I'll ask you on a date no matter what your answer would be, Sandara. Don't be so nervous. I'll wait as long as you need. And I'm okay with..

She doesn't let him finish when he unconsciously touches her lip with his thumb and she kisses it. His face is priceless. She would never forget this moment; she sees it like in slow motion. His pupils delaying and the way he gulps and furrows his brows. And that low slow 'fuck' under his breath when she takes it further, licking the tip, sucking on his thumb deeper, looking him directly in the eyes.

She's not going to regrer it.

It's not a secret that she likes him. It was even on national TV, like, a lot of people know that. But it's on another level when Jiwon kisess her; being firmly pressed against the wall and feeling his hands pushing up a short dress she wears - it's the whole new level. And she's so down for the game.

They barely able to breath properly because the kiss intensifies exponentially and Jiwon doesn't want to let her go just as much she doesn't want to get away from the heat his body radiates. She already gave up on trying to unbotton his shirt since it's not possible to make shaking fingers work properly. His lips are hot yet soft and he bites. God, he did bite her lip. And make her look at him in the process. She's trapped under his gaze, Dara moan silently, when he sucks on that bite gently.

She is at the point when everything that he does make her lose her mind. And he did bare minimum.

She hits her head on a wall when his lips starting to move down her neck; she wants to get rid of that dress so fucking much she's ready to rip it. And judging by how Jiwon grips the material, trying to find a zipper, she's not alone in that wish.

He pulls back to push his hair back and breath and Dara can't stand it. Fuck that dress, he looks glorious. She doesn't give herself a credit when she sucks on his Adam's apple and leaves tiny wet kisses on his hot skin, trying her best to undo his shirt finally. It's so impossibly satisfying to simply be that close to him. His scent, that filled her head rapidly; perfect mix of bitter smell of cigarettes and wooden, fresh cologne. Her head is spinning, and if not him pressing her to the wall, she would have fallen on weak knees.

He has all the chances to have her on her knees.

Everything that happens right now, on her mind or with her body, is strongly not like Dara acts in her life. Yet she loves it.

Her fingers meet his on his shirt and she doesn't expect touches this tender, when he squeezes her palms gently and holds it for a second, looking at her with a small smile and that soft peck on the tip of her nose. Goddammit.

- Please, stop doing it, I'm afraid I might fain, Jiwon, please, - she meowls it impatiently into his lips when he tries to kiss her and he smiles brighter, kissing her chin.

- What? - he's so proud of himself she wants to hit him. She meant his gaze, but God. She lets out a long moan under her breath, feeling his fingers messaging her through thin material of panties. Dara hits her head again, much harder this time, but she doesn't care. She cares about how does it feel like to grind on his hand while chasing his lips madly. Because that feels incredible.

Their faces are so close; she can feel his hot breath on her lips, how he sucks on air, when she moan louder because he decided to apply more power on her and his quick pecks everywhere when he can put himself together. Her nails digs in his skin harder when he pushes her underwear to the side to slide two fingers in. So slow, Sandara feels every millimeter and she moans all the way; his fingers are so fucking long. For a reason, apparently.

He moves them steadily, building rhythm in unison with her pinched meowls and hips' moves. She tries to chase for his hands, make him do it with more force and she doesn't know what to think when he complies. He understands everything she needs; he knows exactly what to do.

Dara surrenders to him; she has never felt this right in someone else's arms.

Jiwon made her cumming on his fingers in a few seconds.

She's blaming it on the fact that she was alone for a long time now; but she knows that it's her body reacting on him. In the ways she didn't know she was capable of.

Letting her head rest on his shoulder, she basks in the feeling of his palms gently soothing her bare skin.

She wants to hug him so much. To hug and to stay in his comfort forever. And she does. Dara pulls him closer, squeezing the material of his shirt in her hands. Somehow she wants to cry again.

- Do you think I did something wrong?

She's so afraid he would call her whore and leave. She doesn't care about anyone who have seen them leaving together, the press, internet. The whole world. She cares about waking up without him. She cares about finding disgust in his eyes. And..

- Sandara Park, God, if I told you that I don't, than I don't, - he pulls her face with his both palms to make her look at him and squeeze her cheeks, - And Lord knows I fed up with jerking off.

Jiwon looks at her with mixed adoration and his eyes are still filled with immense desire. She knows that she acts stupid and he suffers because of it. Yeah. Very stupid.

- Sorry, I just..

She starts rumbling and Jiwon rolls eyes, fighting the urge to shut her up. So Dara feels his kiss being a little bit forceful than she expected. But she quickly catches a hint; Jiwon moves away a bit, unzipping his pants and helping her to take off her underwear. No one talks about dress that is now pushed to her belly at this point.

There is a second before she kisses him again, tugging on his underwear to put it down enough to free his erection. Jiwon bites her lip and grunts lowly, when she strokes him painfully slow, squeezing the base lightly. Jiwon grunts again, throwing his head backwards and shuts his eyes, gulping and Dara thinks that that sight would be printed forever in her mind.

Jiwon's kisses are urgent now, he pulls her hand away and guides her to turn around and she complies to the hand on her spine to sag, pushing her hips into him. Dara is no less impatient by now. She has no idea how it is possible to make her this worked up just by doing.. Nothing. He did nothing. And she still wants him so much. He doesn't even imagine.

He pulls her closer with a hand snaking around her waist firmly and finds his way between her legs with another. Dara leans backwards, squeezing her palm on his wrist when he slides into her. He's painfully slow and when his full length is inside, he stops and places sloppy kisses at the base of her neck.

Sandara feels everything at once and it's a hard punch on her senses. And when he starts moving, she can't find any strenght to moan less louder. The only thing she cares about is him thrusting rapidly, his low grunts to her ear and the sound of skin slapping and it's the most erotic sound she has ever heard. Her head is spinning, it's impossible to stay still and she has nothing to cling to. Dara grips on the wrist of his hands and he starts to make steady rhythmic circles on her clit; Jiwon bites her ear, places a kiss there after and she meowls at his next words, feeling how the world turns into a blur when she turns her head, trying to look at him.

- Do it yourself, c'mon, - he can persued her to do anything with that voice. And he does. Jiwon tugs her palm and places it under his, letting Sandara doing it. She shuts her eyes tightly, finding herself equally ashamed and exciting, - Have you ever done it while thinking about me?

Jiwon doesn't stop even for a bit, but Dara can sense that he's a lot erratic and impatient now. He moans in her shoulder when she squeezes him and Dara is not twenty anymore. It's not like he could make her blush at everything he does or says. Even tho she can't help but blush hard.

- And you? - she shows one of her hand backwards, pulling on his hair and he particularly growls, - I know that you have.

Jiwon doesn't answer her, instead he thrusts harder, placing his forehead to the crook of her neck and guides her fingers to move, because she's so lost, she can't control her own body. She's on her toes by now, pushing her hips into his every time he puts any more pressure and it's so overwhelming. It's too much, she loses her sanity.

- I have and I'm not proud of it, - Jiwon whispers to her ear and she feels every part of her body tensing, like strings and she doesn't know if it's his husky voice, or scent in which she's drowning or his powerful movements. It's everything about him mixed up, that made her see blurred bright circles under her eyelids. She doesn't have strength to moan, just silent broken exhale and she grips his hair so hard, her fingers ache.

Jiwon pulls her impossibly close, he pushes her to the wall and after few moments she feels the loss of him, whimpering at the feeling. It feels cold suddenly, when he doesn't hold her anymore, now supporting himself with his hand on the wall. Dara turns around, nearly falling and covers his hand with hers and it's his turn to moan silently; there is not even a second when he releases in her palm, grunting low 'fuck' somewhere below her ear.

They stay like that.. Dara doesn't know for how many minutes. She listens to his now less erratic breath and tries to calm her own. It's like she's in another world right now, she doesn't know what to think about.

Right now, Sandara doesn't want to think about anything.

It's silence and than there is coffee machine beeping wildly, and she jumps in surprise, making Jiwon flinch and he.. laughs. Jiwon is laughing quietly, kissing her cheek and he hugs her gently, adjusting her dress so it falls down again.

She doesn't want to think about anything, but ahe does and it's not pleasant. If he would leave today, if he would go and forget about it, Dara doesn't know what would she do then. She doesn't want him to think that she does it everytime, because God knows she has a fucking checklist for a man who claims to get her in the bed.

Jiwon took that list, screwed it up and threw it to somewhere around her dignity.

God.

- If you still think I'm going to leave, you are dumb, - he kisses her again, placing small pecks on her face, looking at her finally. With such adoration, she's sure she feels butterflies in her stomach having a great party.

Maybe it's not that bad?

Dara thought he was going to despise her. She really did. She even accepted it in some way. But he smiles gently at her, kissing the tip of her nose and she sighs deeply, bumping her forehead on his shoulder to hide that happily stupid smile.

- I asked you to not to do that, please, - he kisses her temple, laughing and hugging her so strong her ribs clench.

- It's not like I sleep with women like that, you know. I'm no less surprised with myself right now, - he kisses her temple again and Dara can't help but close her eyes, drowning in his comfort, - What if you would think I'm not decent enough for you? Too careless or something?

- You are not, - she looks at him, finding him nodding to her answer.

- And so you too, - she proceed it for a second, not finding any lies in his words and frowns, realising that it's difficult to fight with logic.

- You might be not wrong, - he laughs at her choice of words and moves away, to adjust his clothes and goes to turn off the poor coffee machine that is still trying to keep coffee warm.

Dara looks at him from afar, smiling. He always says that he's not sure if he can make people comfortable; yet she has never been more comfortable around anyone.

And would never be, perhaps. That's why she doesn't regret anything.

She hugs him from behind, bumping her forehead between his shoulder blades, feeling his warm hands, stroking hers so gently she wants to cry.

He's not going to let her regret it. And she would do everything to make the same for him.

- If we wouldn't go to sleep in five minutes, I would fall asleep here, and than, - he stresses it, locking his fingers with hers, - You are totally going to regret it.

- You, my teenage crush, just had me against the wall in my fluffy slippers, I'm not going to regret anything at this point, - Dara hears him laughing and she shakes her head, squeezing his fingers stronger, - Let's go.

[bisexualklausmikaelson]

Break up with your girlfriend I'm bored plus klayley

a/n: au college fic/ or Hayley Marshall follows the events of Ariana Grande’s latest music video -  threesomes et al. klaus/hayley, with a dash of klaus/hayley/caroline 1. because that video was p gay so I gotta include the gay in this fic and 2. because i’m sucker for threesome fics, sorry if it’s not exactly what you wanted.

―

He has a girlfriend, Hayley reminds herself as she watches him at his desk.

She is fixated by the color of his eyes - not quite like the sky, but a bit like the ocean when the light hits it just right. A bright blue with a bit of green in them, just like a painting.

“Miss Marshall,” her professor addresses her, snapping his fingers in front of her face. “You seem to be done with your quiz, since you’re day dreaming about― “

“When you’re going to shut the hell up and let me leave class?” She cuts him off, just at the moment where he’s about to embarrass her for spying on her crush.

The professor raises a brow at her and the whole class stares in awe.

Klaus releases a soft chuckle as he watches Hayley walk out of the room.

―

She walks in on them making out in  an empty science class during lunchtime.

Caroline Forbes is all kinds of beautiful - golden locks sparkling like the sun - almost blinding her. And lips that looked as soft as clouds. Her skirt is hiked up to her waist, revealing a string of a bright red thong and long pale legs accompanied by smooth, creamy skin.

Hayley unexpectedly licks her lips at the sight of the other girl tangled in Klaus’ arms.

“Seriously?” Caroline releases, noticing Hayley’s lingering stare.

The brunette then blinks twice before picking up the books she had left behind. “Sorry,” she stammers, cheeks turning bright red. “I just forgot these here,” she says, before bolting out of the classroom.

She hears Klaus laugh at her antics again and realizes that he must think she’s a total dork.

For this was the second time in the same day that she had made a fool of herself, right in front of him.

―

(That night, Hayley makes it home before Rebekah has the chance to make fun of her for today’s antics. Surely, her brother had told her all about both awkward incidents - and god knows that Rebekah loves to tease. 

Hayley crawls into bed, hands covering her face.

She’s so glad that the day was over).

―

Later that week, he makes an appearance at Kol’s Birthday Bash.

In retrospect, Hayley knew he’d be there, it’s his brother’s birthday for god’s sake. She blames Freya for dragging her out. She blames the free booze and pizza. She blames the fact that she craves attention and Elijah will be there to shower her with his affection.

She blames the new dress she bought - the short black one that Klaus saw her eyeing that one day he went shopping with her and Rebekah.

“You look nice,” She hears someone whispers, as she turns around to face him

“Klaus,” She stammers. “Thanks,” she mumbles, looking him up and down.  “So do you,” she admits noticing how the periwinkle of his tie against the darkness of his jet black suit complimented his eyes.

“This old thing?” he smirks, shrugging.

She’s quiet for a moment, looking around him to notice that he is alone. “So,” Hayley nervously starts again. “Just you, tonight?” she asks.

He shoves a hand in his pocket and frowns. “I’m afraid Caroline’s at home, sick with the flu,” he offers. “She’s been in bed all day,” he goes to say, with a sad tone in his voice.

Hayler bites her lip. She wasn’t used to being this close to him. “Sounds pretty bad,” she tells him instead, realizing that she could practically smell him.

“It is,” he nods. “I’m just making a short appearance here, giving my brother his present, then making my way back home to look after my lovely girl,” he smiles again, when he thinks of Caroline.

And then, Hayley notices that she can smell her scent on him as well. 

Honeysuckle drops with a hint of dark chai.

“How sweet,” she mumbles. “I hope she gets better soon,” she offers, tucking her hair behind her ear.

“As do I, sweetheart,” he agrees, eyes scanning the room to spy his younger brother. “I’ll see you around, pleasure chatting with you,” he then says, as he’s off to find Kol.

“Same here,” Hayley whispers, but he’s already left her side by then.

―

That same evening, she notices that he’s making a late night trip to the convenience store nearby. Hayley’s on her way back from the party as she notices how Klaus buys a few packs of chocolates, some painkillers, and a box of tampons.

She feels a smidgen of jealousy as she notices how completely whipped this guy is for another woman.

Although, Hayley does a damn good job of hiding how she feels - so she forces herself to look away, and continued her walk back home.

―

Final exams and graduation pass by almost too quickly.

The next significant time she bumps into him isn’t until the end of the year actually. Which was good in a way, because it meant that she had done a fantastic job of avoiding him.

Despite the fact that she lived with his sister and that they went to the same school.

“Are you coming to our celebration party tonight?” He always shows up though, somehow, at the most unexpected of times. And this time, he was standing in front of her car as she was making her way to it.

Almost as if he had been waiting for her. 

“I didn’t really plan on it, to be honest,” Hayley told him, while shoving her keys into her door.

“I’m surprised,” he releases softly, leaning a hand against her vehicle. “I thought my sisters dragged you along to all the Mikaelson events,” Klaus said, as her gaze finally met his.

He really had no idea what ‘personal space’ meant, she thought. “Yeah well,” Hayley shrugs. “I managed to convince them to give me a night off,” she offers him, trying to open her car door.

“It’s a shame,” Klaus sings, stepping out of the way so she can enter her SUV. “I was looking forward to seeing you,” he quips, in that charming little tone of his.

It makes her want to melt.

“Why is that?” Hayley asks.

“I just enjoy your company,” He answers her quickly, almost too-quickly.

After all, they had only spent a handful of moments together. She wonders how such little time with her was enough to intrigue him. Maybe, she really was clueless one around here.

“Klaus,” Caroline calls him, as she makes her way out of class to meet him at his car.

“Coming, darling,” he shouts at her. He turns to face Hayley one last time, wondering is his offer still stands. “Hayley, I hope you change your mind about tonight,” he says, before turning on his heel.

“Not likely,” she whispers, after he leaves,

―

(Her new set of expensive red lacy lingerie haunts her.

She had bought it as a graduation gift to herself - sick and tired of finding excuses to put off her purchase, she did this on a whim. Hayley curses herself for it. It’s not like she had anyone to wear it for anyway.

Or maybe she did - if she accepts the offer.

The brunette bites her bottom lip, stalling for time.

“Well,” she tells herself, slipping into it slowly, “might as well put this stuff to good use.” She sang, squeezing a tight dress over the set before heading out the door).

―

The Mikaelson graduation party is just as wild as any other event of theirs.

It must be damn nice to be part of a family of elites, Hayley thinks, as she ventures inside. 

She does everything she’s supposed to do: drink a bit from the champagne fountain, play a few rounds of beer pong, get tangled up in a game of twister, smoke a joint with the girls hanging out in the balcony. She even makes her way to the pool, where Klaus and Caroline are making out like animals.

She feels like a pervert - but she can’t help but watch them.

They’re all tangled limbs and tongues sliding and licking trails up each other’s bodies - Caroline’s perfectly manicured nails tracing pale red lines down Klaus’ porcelain back, his teeth nibbling at her ear, her eyes…eyeing her?

“Hayley,” she says, mid-make-out. “Come,” she curls a finger at the other girl, and beckons her to join them.

(Hayley Marshall, in all her life, had experienced very few ‘wild sex things’ - as she liked to call them anyway. There was that time Tyler Lockwood spanked and choked her a bit during sex, back in high school. That time Stefan Salvatore had sex with her on a public beach, at night. And that time she gave Elijah a blowjob while he was driving her home from a late night out drinking with Rebekah (with the other girl passed out in the back seat, of course).

Still, a three some had never been part of the equation.

Until tonight).

She slowly steps into the pool, making her way towards the hot couple in front of her.

“I knew you’d make it, love,” Klaus whispers, smiling.

Hayley nods, shyly.

And just before they kiss, Caroline swoops in, stealing Hayley’s lips away from her boyfriend.

“We’re going to have so much fun with you,” the blonde sings, before moving aside so Klaus can finally have his turn with the girl.

Hayley feels his lips right after Caroline’s and they both taste sweet.

She lets herself be devoured - wishing that this night would never end.

― 

[left-myself-in-the-alleyway]

Forever & Always

Part 3

Warning: Descriptive abuse, panic attack(s) touches lightly on drinking

To anyone who reads this: I wrote this part before I did any research on panic attacks and such so please be kind.

Thanks to @momobucketcomics for editing/co-writing this and making the mood board below.

More thanks to @devotedlybeautifulkingdom- (Tumblr won’t let me tag you!) for showing support for this story.

-

I felt someone rubbing my back. Someone, or something was comforting me, telling me I was safe. In the state I was in, I'm surprised I could hear it at all. I could feel the sweat trickling down my face, leaving a wet, slimy trail. I also felt myself calming down, albeit slowly.

It's okay. It's okay. I kept telling myself, desperately wanting to believe it.

I sat up straight and leaned back, still trying to fill my lungs. I could barely get enough air in them without feeling like I was suffocating.

I heard someone say my name.

"Mmhhmm...?" I mumble, my eyes still shut tight.

"Evelyn, can you please open your eyes?" I hear a voice that sounds like Tony ask, sounding... concerned?

Slowly, I comply to my so-called father's wishes.

I opened my eyes to see a sea of faces staring at me, worried expressions on their faces.

...Last time I checked, there weren't this many people in the room. Damn, I'm seeing double again.

I rubbed my eyes and took a deep breath. Finally, my head was clear enough to speak normally. "I'm sorry... overreaction." I try to cover up.

"I would like to apologize for asking you that. I didn't know you would react that badly." Thor explained. It was badly worded, but...I knew what he meant.

"It's okay. It's not your fault- I shouldn't have let my mind wander..." The last words drifted off into a mutter- I wonder if he could hear me.

"Do I have a room?" I ask quietly. I don't want to stay here for much longer.

"Yes, I um. Yeah." Tony still looked a bit freaked out about my panic attack. I hope he hasn't bitten off more than he can chew by taking me in...

"I can take her to her room, Tony." Steve offers.

"Thanks, Steve." He replied, walking away.

Steve gave me a smile. "Follow me."

Dragging my feet, I grab my backpack and duffle bag. Panic attacks are exhausting.

As soon as we leave the room, it's just the two of us. The hubbub in the last room seemed to have vanished from existence, as if nothing had happened at all. Huh, guess they have soundproofing here too.

"Are you okay?" He asked as the elevator started to move.

"Yeah. I'm fine." I say, trying to get some form of a smile to form on my face. I hate it when people worry about me- I feel like I'm just a nuisance to them.

"You know, when I first came out of the ice, I had panic attacks. Everything was really overwhelming." He admitted. "I found the best thing I could do was talk to people about what happened. War is an ugly thing. You see a lot of things you wish you hadn't."

"It sounds like...you had a hard time leaving the past in the past and embracing the future" I say quietly as we navigate the halls, a whisper being all I could muster.

"You're pretty smart for someone so young. But that is something that you should remember too. Your past may determine your future, but it doesn't have to rule it." He explains as we come to my door, his pure blue eyes boring into my hazel ones.

"If you ever need anything at all, and you can't find Tony, don't be afraid to come to me for help." He said softly. "Just ask JARVIS to take you to my apartment. It's on this floor."

I scrunch my eyebrows. Apartment? "Everyone here has half a floor, except for myself and Tony. He has a whole floor to himself. I have almost a whole floor, so that's why Tony figured it would be a good idea to put you here." He explained.

My eyes go wide. "That's right, you get a small apartment just for you." He chuckled.

I smiled to myself. Maybe this won't be so bad.

"Remember what I said." He says, walking away.

I walk into my room, exhausted. I let go of my bags, letting them land wherever. It's so clean in here, I feel a slight twinge of guilt for messing up the neatness of everything with my scruffy baggage. I look at the rustic, brown clock. Thank God it’s not some weird futuristic aesthetic design, I hate that kind of stuff . It's 6:00.

That means it's only 3:00 back home.

Home. Somehow, the word feels foreign in my mouth- like a new shoe that'll take getting used to, or... Something.

I look at my messy bags laying haphazardly on the floor. My other luggage must be downstairs, wherever Mr. Hogan put them. I'm too tired to care about anything right now. I've got so much to do, but I can't resist taking a quick nap- Then I'll unpack and check out the rest of the apartment.

I flop down on the couch. Closing my eyes, I still can't believe how much my life could change so much over the course of a few hours.

-

Tony trodded over to the lounge bar, searching for the drink he had left behind earlier. He chugged down the glass of alchohol. Even though it was now room-temperature, he savored it rushing down his throat. Then, without even thinking, he poured himself a glass of the strongest bottle on the shelf- Devil's Springs Vodka. He collapsed on the couch sipping his strong drink.

-

"No, no! Stop it!" I scream at my mother.

She had just returned from wherever it was that she went. Probably the bar, considering her words were extremely slurred. With every step she took, it was heavier than anything- like ten earthquakes simultaneously rocking my world.

She was hitting me, landing blow after blow over and over again. I wish it would stop.

I need it to stop!

I almost got away, but she latched onto my shirt and pulled me back.

"Oh, darling. You're not getting away that easily!" She laughed as she dug her long, inhumanly sharp nails into my arms. I cried out as I felt the skin start to split and bleed.

She shoved me onto the floor. Before I could be relieved at her release, my head caught the corner of the table on my way down. Pain exploded through my head, and I could feel hot blood welling up somewhere on my face. Through my blurry, spotted vision I saw her chug down another bottle of vile-smelling beer.

Then, instead of doing what I hoped she would do, she threw it at me. I screamed as it shattered on the floor, showering me in broken shards. I cried out one last time as I felt the pieces of glass embed themselves in my flesh, burning deeper and deeper inside me. As I struggled to run away, my hands slipped on the floor that was pooling with my blood and tears. It rose ever higher, fueled by my bodily fluids, threatening to flood the entire room. The salty mixture seeped into my fresh wounds, burning them black.

Before I black out, I hear her say something. Her voice was no longer slurred, but crystal clear. It was sick and twisted, familiar and yet of something nightmarish that you'd only hear in the darkest depths of hell.

"Remember, Evelyn; however far you run, no matter how hard you fight back, I will be with you. Forever... and Always." As she growled those last words, everything faded away into darkness.

-

I shot up out of my restless slumber, drenched in cold sweat. My heart was pounding. I quickly pulled up the sleeves of my pullover, thinking I had woken up after being knocked out. There were only fading bruises and scars. Then, I remembered where I was. I breathed a sigh of relief.

I glanced at the clock. I only slept for 45 minutes, and I'd managed to have one of the worst nightmares in history. Oh, jeez.

I started unpacking my measly possessions. Anything to get my mind off That.

Someone had brought the rest of my bags up and put them in my room. I plopped down on the pristine bedsheets, feeling myself sink down into the mattress. It felt much comfier up here than on the couch. Maybe if I'd crashed on an actual bed, I'd have been spared the horrors of that nightmare.

I hung up a few of my tops in the closet. Most of my clothing consisted of long-sleeved sweaters, which I used to wear to school to hide the marks. I also had one sundress and two maxi skirts. They were beautiful, but I couldn't remember the last time I wore them. Standing on my tiptoes, I put a few of my pants and shorts on the shelves. Some of them were messed up, but I threw them in anyway. I was never any good at folding clothes. From there, I head into the bathroom to unpack all of makeup and other... Necessities.

I wonder if there's any dishes in the cupboards. Skipping off to the mini-kitchen, I went to check. Sure enough, there was. There was also food in the fridge! Am I supposed to live by myself, completely? I wonder to myself, checking out the other contents of the various drawers. The countertops were sparkling, and even inside the compartments of the kitchen, not a jar was out of place. Just the way it will stay, clean.

I fiddled with my phone, looking for my favorite playlist. Ah, found it.

Forgettable by Project 46 filled my ears.

I absentmindedly started to hum along to the song- This soon developed into quiet singing.

The song's beautiful and uplifting melody rejuvenated me. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, as I started organizing.

I adjusted a photo of me and my cat, trying to get it just right. I finally get it to sit at the right angle on the little counter beside the kitchen. As I subconsciously sung to the tune of my music, I stepped back to examine the angle of the frame. Suddenly, in between songs, I heard something behind me. It sounded kinda large- maybe mice? Huh, not if the cleaning team can help it. Really Evelyn, this is Stark towers. There won't be mice here. After ridiculing myself a bit more I turn around, thinking I might make some tea. I nearly screamed when I saw a figure in my doorway...

[fuckstudy]

Hey, I have a question regarding test anxiety. I'm a junior in high school right now (11th grade) and I was diagnosed with GAD in 9th grade. But I'll admit that I was a mess in 9th grade - I didn't do my work, it was always rushed, my depression was terrible, I never focused and my GPA was in the gutter. But last year, in 10th grade, I improved a lot. I improved my work habits, I focused, I did everything I possibly could. And I actually did well. I managed to pull a 3.78. Not too shabby. +

(cont) + and this year I’m continuing my work habits. I’m in the IB Diploma programme so the courses are a lot harder but I swear to god I’m trying. But my GPA dropped to a 3.6 and I promised myself I would bring it up. And I studied so goddamn hard for my exams, I swear I did, but I got a C on my business exam. And my grade dropped, and my GPA dropped. I review a lot, I swear. I had a study session with one of the smartest people in my biology class and we went over everything. She told me not +

+ but I can really see that I need the help. My thoughts are drifting toward suicide, and as much as I know that I SHOULD ask for help, I don’t WANT to. My GPA dropped to a 3.4 today. I was at a friend’s house when I found out and I just went to the toilet and cried. All my life (before 9th grade) I was a straight A student. I got awards, I was athletic, I was an all-rounder. But now? I’m stupid, I’m fat, I’m ugly. I can’t do anything right. +

+ I feel like I’m constantly cheating people? I don’t think that makes sense. By people call me smart because I understand the material and I can easily explain it to them, but they don’t know that I don’t do well on tests. And I feel like I’m cheating them and hiding who I truly am. A couple of my friends know, but they don’t really help me out. I mean, yes, they’re there for me. But it’s not directly helping with my anxiety. ++ and I’m sorry for this long message. I don’t know why I sent it on anon to you, because you can’t help me from behind a computer screen, and that’s perfectly okay. I get it. It’s okay, really. But I think I just needed to vent. I need some sort of validation that I’ll do okay in life and I won’t flunk out of high school. I’m just…I’m tired. All the trying and still failing is frustrating me so much. I’m about to just quit trying at all. Why bother? +

+ I’ve tried everything - breathing slowly, reviewing more, clenching and relaxing my muscles, everything. But nothing seems to help me and I just get more and more nervous. Anyway, I’m sorry for this rant. I just really needed to let all this out somewhere. Thank you.

Hi anon, 

Thank you for yourmessage. Thank you for having the courage to share this with me and forreaching out - everyone needs a space to vent and I'm glad that I could helpyou in that regard.

My answer is noreplacement for medical advice, which I actively encourage you to seek ifnecessary. However, from the tone of your message it sounds like you want afriend, someone to listen to you as opposed to medical advice that you'vepreviously sought.

I'm no doctor, but Ican be a friend. 

On working hard and not receiving the grade you want

From your academichistory it sounds like you're a very capable student. I do not doubt for asecond that you've studied hard, dedicated yourself to your studies, andstepped up to meet the challenges of the IB Diploma. Just because your academicresults do not reflect that effort, doesn't mean that it was all done in vain,or that it was a waste of time. Just because you didn't get an A, doesn't meanyou didn't try. 

I was raised on thephilosophy that "if I didn't achieve the best result, obviously I didn'ttry hard enough, and therefore I need to work harder." But life doesn'twork that way. The academic system does not work that way. You can try hard and still fail. Becausethere's a thousand and one factors that are beyond your control, no matter howhard you've tried to control them, or mitigate their adverse effects.  Success is not a reward that youautomatically are entitled to just because you've worked hard.

The grade youreceive will never ever be an accurate reflection of the effort or thesacrifice that you put in. It only accounts for your performance in that tinysnapshot of time - at that exam hall, in that hour, of that one day of yourlife. That's it. It doesn't tell me whether you're a good person, doesn't tellme anything about your sense of humour, what tv shows you like, what songs youlike to sing in the shower, what your favourite flavour of ice cream is. Itdoesn't tell me whether you're a morning person or a night owl.

What hurts is whenwe fail to meet our own expectations. And how we deal with them. I've writtensome posts addressing those points here and here.

On practical advice re: test anxiety

Once again, ifyou've found that seeking professional medical help has assisted in the past, Ihighly recommend that you seek it out. 

Personally, when Ireceive a grade that I'm disappointed in I try to frame it this way: "Itwasn't because I didn't put in enough effort - it was because I was directingmy efforts in the wrong direction."

Its not about howmany hours you study - its about whether your studying habits are addressingthe assessment criteria.

This requires you totailor your studying habits to your curriculum and assessment style.

Don't learn thingsyou won't be assessed on. Prioritise the topics you need to learn by referenceto how much time your teacher spent on it during class, the proportion of thecourse the topic took up in your semester, and whether or not you've been assessedon the topic prior to the exam or not. Ask your teachers. Alternatively, deducewhat your exam will be like by looking at the format of past exams.

Find some time toreplicate exam conditions - for example, doing practice exam questions, workingunder time pressure.  Set up familiarpatterns of behaviour you can replicate in the exam hall - for example, I wouldalways have my watch on the top right hand side of the table and place my sparepens right under, with my waterbottle on the floor. Going through the samesequence of events when I entered the exam hall helped me "get into themindset" and calm me down.  

Whilst nothingreally ever compared to the 'exam' hall for me, I found that being 'familiar'with what to expect made me feel much more prepared when I sat the exam. Sure,my hands still shook when I entered the exam room, and I still felt like Iwanted to hurl, but due to conditioning, my mind adapted to working under thatkind of pressure. And whilst I wasn't performing as well as I would be had Itaken the same question home and "studied" it; at least I wasperforming in an exam environment.

And in the end, that's what it boils down to: it doesn't really matter whetheror not you're performing at 100% in the exam hall - as long as you're puttingsomething on the page, you will be ok. It wont be perfect, but you're gettingthe fuck through it.

And yes, all the"general" tips apply. However, if you're finding that they're nothelping, be brave and seek advice from elsewhere - whether that be medicalhelp, online, journaling, or having an activity outside of the hectic hell holethat is high school.

On getting help

"Knowing"and "accepting" something are two very, very different things.Knowing that you need help doesn't mean you accept that you need it. Acceptingthat you need help does not automatically mean you will get help. And that'sok. Give yourself time to assess your options. Don't feel like it's a "race" to get help - no one should beforcing you to 'get help' nor judging whether or not you do. It's yourrecovery.

But give yourself awarning flag - a threshold that, once breached, will be a sign for you tore-evaluate your options.

Friends are friends.And good intentions are just that - intentions. They don't magically translateto a cure. And its great that they're there for you. But support, whilstuseful, doesn't mean that things will automatically be ok.

Because in the end,its something for you to accomplish.

I think of it as aship. My friends are my crew - they row the boat with me, we share funnystories about what we see on the sea, we swear and curse and cry and love.They'll support me through thick and thin. But in the end I'm the captain of myship, I need to steer the ship in the right course. I still need to call theshots. So we can all get there together.

On imposter's syndrome

Anon, I feel thisall too keenly. 

As someone who has'held themselves out' to be studious, or to be smart, or who completed  an 'advanced degree so oh my god you must besmart', when I don't meet those supposed expectations, I feel like I am animposter. Like somehow, I've "talked to talk" but failed to"walk the walk"

I feel like I don'tdeserve my achievements.

That some day,someone is going to see me for who I am and take all those achievements awayfrom me.

But it boils down tothis: I feel like I needed to 'prove' myself to people.

But why?  You don't need to be perfect, you don't needto be "the smartest person" just because you've been labelled as"smart". You're human - which means you can be a duality of things.You can be study-smart, but street stupid. You can be street smart but studystupid. You can excel in practical application but be at a loss when it comesto theoretical application.

You don't need to beperfect to be "genuine".

You're human. You'reallowed to make mistakes. You are more than this stupid arbitrary box that thepeople around you have chosen to define you by.

And you are morethan your academics. Just because your ability to explain things verbally isn'treflected in your written grades doesn't mean you're "dumb" orcheating, or hiding who you truly are. It probably attests to how you're averbal communicator. And in the end that's only one very small piece of thepuzzle. Who you are doesn't stop at that first sentence.

 I'm a law graduate.I'm smart. I also procrastinate the shit out of everything and regularly pullall nighters, drink too much, stay in bed all day, cry and feel lost.

 All those sentencesare accurate. Who I am doesn't stop at the first full stop.

You're not hiding who you truly are. They're just notgiving you a chance to elaborate on that picture.

On how you are going to get through this

You will get throughthis. You've picked yourself up before and pushed through. You don't need to bethat "all rounder" - you just need to be the version of you who you'dlike to be at this point, at this time. It'll come in small steps, your smallvictories of the day - but define them and celebrate them.  

Remember life is not a collection of binary outcomes.Just because you didn't get an "A" does not mean that you've failed.Just because you're not "athletic" doesn't mean you're"fat". There's so many shades of grey in between. It's not one or theother; its just a work in progress. 

Keep working on it.

Its easy for me tosay because I've completed high school, university, all that jazz. Hindsightand all that. But you will get through this - tooth and nail. And when you comeout on the other side, you'll be able to help others to get through too. Find somethingthat will get you through - heck it doesn't need to be some "life longpassion or dream" that every movie and studyblr talks about - it justneeds to be something small, something that will get you out of bed, somethingthat will help you be kinder to yourself. 

And when its doneand dusted, I can't promise you that life will be perfect, or that you'll havethe life you're dreaming of, but I can promise you that it'll be different towhere you are now.

And sometimes, thehope of change is all we need to get through.

And finally, on how its really, really, really ok to send melong messages  

I can't stress toyou how much I admire your bravery for sharing your experiences with me. I'mnot confident that this message will change anything, or fix anything. But Ihope, at the very least, its helped you feel less alone.

For a moment.

Because messageslike yours are the only reason why I continue to run this shitshow of a blog.

So thank you.

All the best anon.I'm rooting for you.