#anywAY im doing thesis stuff so i dont know if ill have time to update the comic soon

[secretmellowblog]

"The Arkenstone is the Heart of the Mountain; it is also the heart of Thorin..."

I was listening to this cello cover and started drawing the Hobbit Comic adaptation things again <3

[softjaeyvn]

August 9, 2024 | 1:21am

heyyy,, sooo its been a minute since i last updated my blog and 2023 has been a wild year with a lot of ups and downs, but im not really gonna talk about those stuff tonight.

today and the past few days has been kinda hard for me despite being on break from school. idk if i told you guys but i passed (well, reconsidered) my dream university! ust has always been the dream for me and never in a million years would i have traded it for anything. i was both excited and anxious on moving to schools, the expectations, the new environment, the people, and the overall culture. you can’t imagine the happiness i felt when i got accepted here in ust. many times during the reconsideration process i have felt on giving up but i pursued with it just to get in to my dream university.

now, i’m currently in my senior year of high school (yahoo) and ill soon be graduating ust-shs! ever since i was a kid, i had my eyes on which dream profession i would pursue when i grow up. but lately, i became undecisive on which course i’ll take in college. since i’m really into photography and filming, i kinda wanna take ab communication arts and my friends also adviced me to take ab comm instead of bs tourism since ab comm is more broad when it comes to picking your job in the future and i read that you don’t really have to take bs tourism to become a flight attendant so all roads lead me to ab comm right? but the reason i’m conflicted between these two is because of (1) most of my friends that is my blockmates are leaning towards bs tourism. so if i take ab comm, i would probably have to make new friends again. but there’s also a part of me that wants to distance myself from them since i had trauma with most of my blockmates. mostly because they don’t cooperate much and only do the tasks last minute and i dont like doing last minute works, (2) i researched the subjects from ab comm and bs tourism and compared them from one another. im nervous for thesis writing which ab comm has on 2nd year up until 3rd? i think. anyways, im not really that good in research and my last research took a toll on me bc of how incompetent my groupmates were. one even had the audacity to use chatgpt to search for our theoretical framework AND didn’t show up during the defense day. and lastly (3) my ate graduated from the same course (ab comm) with latin honors (cum laude) and that just makes me want to achieve latin honors too. no one’s really pressuring me to achieve anything and its mostly just me putting pressure on myself to do well so that i can match the efforts and achievements my relatives had. idk but to me, if i don’t achieve something in the course taken by one of my relatives before, i would think i’m not working hard enough and that i’m a failure. if i apply for ab comm then that pressure would be put onto me by myself. i don’t want to become a shadow of one of my relatives that graduated with latin honors just because i enrolled the same course as her and couldn’t match her achievements. all im saying here is that i’m insecure of how smart my family is and im not. they all achieved something in life while im just here. existing.

These conflicts about my course in college just scratch the surface on why i’m ranting right now. since i’m already a senior, i’m entitled to take all the cets from the big 4 universities. upcat was the first among the four that opened its doors for admissions, of course i wouldn’t miss the chance to apply so i did. as i’m writing this, it would only be 1 day left till i take upcat. i’m already getting burnt out because i wasted my time goofing around instead of reviewing for this. i asked for reviewers from my friend that attended a review session today and watched some of its lecture videos then got to answering a mock test. idk what i was honestly expecting what my grade would be but i was surprised that i got only a 30% and that is definitely not good. i know that that’s what i get for not reviewing enough but i was still somehow disappointed with it.

now, this wouldn’t really be a big of a deal for me since i’m only taking the test for added experience, im already thankful that i got accepted in ust. i just think of it as bragging rights for when i do pass. it’s honestly rewarding to see a “congratulations” on the screen and people would immediately think you’re so smart because you passed one of the most hardest to pass cets in the country.

why am i ranting over this? you might ask. ever since i got enrolled here in ust, the tuition fee is not a joke. 50k for one semester, that would equal to 100k for just one school year. now, i know that this is the consequence for enrolling in a prestigious university but the desire to get into my dream university blinded me from these kinds of things. now that i’m in my senior year, the fees increased by 4% and went from 50k to 60.5k for one semester. and that really took a toll in both me and my mom’s finances. we already applied for a voucher from peac since the start of my junior year but it has still yet to be applied so my mom is still paying full installments for my tuition fee. we also recently applied for a scholarship from our local city to try and somehow get discounted prices for my tuition. but, if my application doesn’t get approved, i will probably say goodbye to ust sooner.

When i was still choosing on what university ill go to for shs and college, staying in ust wasn’t really my plan at all. in fact, i thought that i’ll just take shs in ust and then transfer universities after. but that changed when i experienced what it’s like to become a thomasian to the point where i grew fond of the campus and lore and even the people that are just so so friendly and welcoming. i didn’t wanna leave so soon. i don’t want to suddenly leave after just 2 years of staying there. i want ust to become my second-home up until i graduate college.

my mom has been urging me to review and do well for upcat because it’s a state university and doesn’t have tuition fees (they probably still have but lower compared to ust) and given our current financial situation, she badly wants me to pass upcat. but i don’t really see myself in that institution and i just don’t think i have the mental capacity to pass that exam. now, its putting pressure on me because i might lose my chance of staying in ust in college, this might be my last year in ust and being a tomasino; or i might lose my mind if i ever do pass upcat and become an isko for college. i’ve already heard stories from seniors that they got delayed from graduating at up because of how hard it is to study there, and their thesis there are supposedly individual work which just goes back to my rant over me being conflicted with my course to take in ust (i hate research and im scared of thesis).

i honestly would love to study in up but im just being realistic with myself, i may bite more than what i can chew but that doesn’t mean i’m over optimistic to myself. i don’t want to have an expectation brought unto me just because im studying in ust or up. i really do hope i get the chance to stay in ust because i can’t see myself in any other university other than ust. ust has only been my home for a year and it has been a life-long dream to study here. i have yet to experience many thomasian traditions and i don’t wanna leave just yet.

ps: it’s been 2 days since treasure’s 4th anniversary! im really proud of them. i probably wouldn’t be the person i am today if i haven’t met them

[violasmirabiles]

Rules: Answer 30 questions and tag 20 blogs you want to know better.

i got tagged by @ruskatuska which i somehow forgot to mention first jesus christ why am i like this

1. Name/Nicknames: ali

2. Gender: who tf knows

3. Star Sign: aries

4. Height: 160cm

5. Time: gonna be 1pm in a bit

6. Birthday: march 26 so yall still have time to get me presents 

7. Favourite Band: pink floyd and wigwam are my go to bands to put here but really there are So Many

8. Favourite Solo Artist: also So Many but bowie and kate bush are safe choices

9. Song Stuck in My Head: rufus wainwright - cigarettes and chocolate milk

10. Last Movie: it chapter two

11. Last Show: uhh. god i dont know. 

12. When I Created This Blog: late 2011. like late november, early december. i know it was before i saw paul mccartney in helsinki and that was on dec 12 2011

13. What I Post: whatever fandom shit im into at any given time, bands/artists/music i like, whatever pretty and or interesting and or funny catches my eye. just posted a selfie, i do some of those. some text posts. i do use this blog to vent and i do have a shit brain so yeah

14. Last Thing I Googled: the model of my vacuum cleaner so i could find the right kind of filters i need for it lol

15. Other Blogs: @ihmekukkavesi for my photography, @shineondoc for university hell with some stephen king peppered in there. but it like. its relevant

16. Do I get asks?: sometimes. not super often. but like, i dont reblog those ask memes very often and the one good update this piece of shit website ever did is the chat system so thats good

17. Why I Chose My URL: i mean i wanted something related to my name (it is, trust me), coulda been another species but this one can also be a sneaky reference to a character from a thing im into so . yeah lol. also aesthetic. i mean it looks cool. pretty.

18. Following: a lot of people, many of whom arent active anymore but i keep following them anyway because what if they come back one day

19. Followers: a little under 2300

20. Average Hours of Sleep: eight-ish so thats good

21. Lucky Number: dont really have one of those but if a number is even OR divisible by 5 its a good number. i like 12 more than 10

22. Instruments: i have a 20-year-old shitty electric piano my dad gave me when he needed room for a newer, better electric piano. only in my current place i dont really have enough room for it even though i need it to practice choir stuff independently and just like having it because sometimes i just like to fuck around with it yknow? not calling myself good cos im not im super out of practice cos ive never been diligent abt that sorta thing but i can accompany myself and thats enough. so i keep it under my bed, not the best place, and practice on the fucking floor. cant even use pedals that way and that sucks ass. one day i will move to a bigger apartment and set it up again. i also have a baby blue ukulele with a picture of jack nicholson as jack torrance doing his heres johnny face taped on it. i got it in 2019 from my brother and his girlfriend as a christmas gift and was doing my ba thesis at the time, which i think a lot of the people who follow me know was about the shining. also also i can play guitar and bass but am not excellent at either because i never practice either of those and have neither in my apartment. and i never practice the ukulele either so even though i know a few chords i fucking suck. maybe someday.

23. What I Am Wearing: black leggings. black shirt. one black sock and one white one

24. Dream Job: i want to be able to write in some capacity and get paid for it but thats all i know and if i think too hard on it ill work myself up and wont be able to sleep so im gonna leave it at that  

25. Dream Trip: right now i just want to be able to visit my True Home Town which is not this piece of this place where i live and study and also happened to be born in

26. Favourite Food: yeah. not olives

27. Nationality: finnish

28. Favourite Song: feel like this woulda been more appropriate with the other music/art questions but hey whatever. also how the fuck am i supposed to have a favorite song when so many different gems exist. go listen to the musical box by genesis though it fucks me up every time i dont care what it does to you

29. Last Book I Read: still working on white noise by don delillo im fuckin slow i didnt use to be this slow

30. Top 3 fictional universes I would love to live in: the one where i can fucking FUNCTION, the one where i can Fucking Function and am also some sort of professional™ writer™ , and uhh. yeah idk

im gonna tag @panwriter, @appelssiini, @stokoetopia, @slip-sliding-away and @kukkahattumursu but no pressure or anything no ones gotta do this if they dont feel like it