#another thing is that fullbodies are fucking hard!! as you see him here he has hands not paws or handpaws!!

[the-breloominati]

ignore the messy braeburn on the left I he’s my warm-up i guess. lol

anyway look at my boy!!!!!! the he!!!!!! committer of grand theft gender!!

[tearlessrain]

okay, I have a spare afternoon and a freshly made batch of guacamole I need to hide from my roommate because I only had one avocado and that is not enough to share. time to ruin it by watching Maximum Ride.

aw sad bird child. okay she looks nothing like the description in the book but she is adorable. why does the old guy look so much like Sad Island Luke.

listen I’m gonna be honest and say I barely remember the plot of the books and have no idea who anyone is. I remember who Ari is and like three of the bird children

why would the nicknames they (if I remember right, see above) gave eachother be on their official forms

oh god down we go into Voiceover Exposition Hell

... that is not a tomboyish fourteen year old girl.

... that is NOT a fourteen year old boy

seriously she looks like liv from izombie

um. did his wings get cut off. why is his back like that. where are her wings. why are they acting like it’s a big secret nobody is watching this who didn’t read the books we’re just here to see mediocre cgi wings. you have one job, movie. don’t screw up your one redeeming quality.

omg small child is adorable. he’s also the best actor by far for some reason. not that the bar was high but like this kid can actually act

why are they like. going out if their way to make max as unlikable as possible. I dislike her almost as much as light turner.

description of iggy I recall reading: pale, light-haired, fine-boned, somewhat calm and serious

description of max I recall reading: dark-haired, relatively sturdy build for a bird child, blunt and outspoken

so why am I seeing literally the exact opposite????

I just really, really hate her she hasn’t displayed a single redeeming quality or resemblance to her book counterpart

fifteen minutes in and still no sign of wings aka the only thing that would make this movie even slightly watchable

“I know you think max doesn’t care, but she does” are you sure about that fang because we’re almost a fifth of the way into the movie of which she’s the titular character and she has yet to display even one single emotion

wait that’s iggy sorry they both have the generic white boy haircut and dress similar

why did they give iggy all of max AND fang’s distinctive/interesting traits

less than one minute later: “you’re wrong to think max doesn’t care, she does” okay so like... you know the part of editing where you go through and look for superfluous lines and remove them? I THINK THEY FORGOT TO DO THAT.

god it’s like listening to a bioware dialogue tree

the only plot this movie has had so far is “nobody can go outside and everyone has to keep quiet” and now you all come pouring out of the house and start yelling the instant something suspicious happens. okay.

WINGS. FINALLY.

it wasn’t even a dramatic reveal though it was literally just schwoop there she goes

oh that’s some hobbit-level cgi oh dear

you know if you don’t have the budget to make decent wings and show them more often you shouldn’t be making a maximum ride movie that’s the only reason anyone is even here. seriously, one job.

oh my god ari I’m dying what did they do to his character design holy shit that’s bad

wHY ARE THESE CHILDREN BETTER ACTORS THAN THEIR OLDER COUNTERPARTS

WHAT IS THIS 80S MUSIC VIDEO OVERLAY EDITING

lasto beth nin, tolo dan nan galad

her face is just slowly rotating closer please stop.

i don’t want it.

what did that accomplish

aaand max continues to be a passenger in her own movie while fang and iggy take all the initiative

such dramatic. very slo mo. wow.

I love how they were so confident in their writing ability that they thought they could made the wings an afterthought

paul ari you is a wirwulf

I’m sorry nobody is going to get that it’s a mystery science theater reference

okay know what we should just rename the movie “Iggy” because he’s literally the only one who’s done anything useful or interesting

omg ari did the Shan Yu Punch out of the ground amazing

okay those wings are in no way sufficient to lift a child. even a child with hollow bones and whatever other bullshit physiology. they aren’t much longer than arms, you don’t even need to worry about being cumbersome when folded because they apparently just vanish magically so why not go for it. seriously, you had ONE JOB.

“stop.” thank you fang that’s just what I was about to say to her. but I think you meant “stop being irrational about this particular thing” whereas I meant “stop talking forever please and thank you”

you do NOT have enough chemistry or nuance for this much dialogue-free face closeup content, movie. when I said stop talking I meant stop the WHOLE scene containing the talking.

you know that “lemon stealing whores” porn intro that became a meme? that’s the quality of acting I’m looking at here. I’m not exaggerating that’s the vibe I get from her.

ah the ol’ “convenient nearby sexual assault” trope, hallmark of a writing team who forgot to give their protagonist a personality or redeeming qualities and are desperately trying to make up for it too late.

here comes fang in all his music video quality cgi slo mo glory to once again render max utterly superfluous

the funny thing is in any other movie I would kind of hate him but the baseline is max so he seems all right

it’s been 40 minutes and like three things have happened

okay I know normally in these liveblogs I’m yelling “show don’t tell” but that only works if what you’re showing has any internal consistency or meaning, if I just wanted to watch a bunch of disjointed scenes sometimes in slow motion I’d watch Koyaanisqatsi because at least they did it well. movie, please stop showing me things.

speaking of internal consistency they keep going wildly off model on the wings, they keep changing size/shape, now they look like they’re made of bendy wire how hard is it to google bird anatomy. YOU HAD. ONE. JOB.

how is she this bad at acting. I’m just looking on in awe now.

oh fang you’re a saint for putting up with her but you should have just left her in the house and taken over the movie

THE DIALOGUE IS SO BAD. “how’s you’re shoulder?” “fine......................................................... seriously, that’s all you’re going to say?” HE DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING

this is just such a bizarrely disjointed mess

no. no please don’t kiss I don’t want to see it and it definitely didn’t happen in the book

thank god

omg it was iggy, finding yet another way to save the movie

oh stop trying to make her out to be all heroic and shit now, you wasted half the movie making this bed now lie in it and make someone else the protagonist. how about iggy, who has a personality and does things and stopped the unnecessary romance subplot in its tracks. the boy’s a hero.

only 30 minutes to go I can do this

I’m not even mad about the bullshit science because every other component of the movie is somehow even worse

“you were his favorite” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHY SHE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES

actually scratch that SHE HAS NO QUALITIES SHE’S JUST THERE

flashback to the comparatively talented child actors time again

what was the point of that flashback though, you’re just relaying the exact information fang just told everyone with no new contributions. I didn’t say show AND tell ffs.

I don’t even know what to say about ari he’s just generally hilarious

okay we get it the ringing is loud, you have established this into the ground now please stop

okay good nobody’s talking Imma just take my earbuds out until it’s over

finally

and they’re back in their weird, economically inefficient cage arrangement again. oh no.

seriously why are all the children better actors like where did they find these children. moreover where did they find such terrible adults.

here comes woverine’s obnoxious metalhead little brother again

OKAY, WE KNOW IT’S JEB, YOU CAN STOP BUILDING UP TO IT NOW

please stop talking I beg you this is painful

“I brought you to the house so you could develop physically and emotionally” and I assume they brought her back because that part of the experiment was a complete failure

okay listen the pacing and editing in this movie is awful. it’s so slow. they pause for at least three seconds between every single line of dialogue and it feels like they’re doing that because they’re trying to cover for the fact that they have absolutely nothing to say. this conversation could last half as long as it is. and the editing isn’t even interesting it’s just “headshot headshot fullbody distance shot from the side repeat” even if the actors were good this scene would be boring as all fuck.

[monotone exposition]

[more exposition]

[badly emoted emotional response]

there now imagine that repeated several times over and you’ve watched the entire, I shit you not, seven minute scene.

so she walked out of the room calmly and voluntarily right past ari and then we cut to ari aggressively wrestling her back in the economically inefficient cage room

why is he talking like batman

why are they all looking to her for leadership she’s shown zero leadership

MAKE IGGY THE LEADER MAKE IGGY THE LEADER DEPOSE MAX

bit late to establish a new villain with no precedent in your already disjointed movie isn’t it?

p l e a s e stop with these establishing shots

asdfkdgs she punched him in the chest and his head jerked to the side miscommunication

once again that went on longer than it needed to I think we’ve identified this movie’s fatal flaw

one of them

the other is max’s acting

and the ratio of wings to literally anything else

everything that’s occurred in this movie could have happened in thirty minutes tops

running running running

with no indication of how far apart they are or where they’re going of course so there’s absolutely no tension

wha

omg she’s still standing there fucks sake learn pacing

“so what now” “I dunno” LEADERSHIP

oh goodness oh no she has passed out I guess we’ll just have to make Iggy the leader such a shame

you know even in the book I remember liking Iggy a lot. he was a wildly different character from the little I recall but I do know I liked him.

they flashed back to the entire movie sped up and it took less than a minute which I think says a lot about how little happened in this movie

oh no enough romantic tension

S T O P

I was at least expecting a final dramatic group takeoff since they’re a bunch of BIRD PEOPLE standing on the edge of a CLIFF and all, but I guess the cgi budget ran out so we end with the bird children just standing on the ground in a group to dramatic music.

YOU

HAD

ONE

JOB

fuck this I feel cheated but at least it’s over.

[secretlystephaniebrown]

STEPHANIE MARIE ANNE MARY RENEE BROWN, I AM HERE TO PROMPT YOU FOR FLUFF WEEK FOR A FOLLOW-UP TO THE OH-LOOK-WE-STUCK-WASH-IN-A-BOX FIC. A RESCUE FIC!!! IF YOU WILL BC I NOW EXIST IN A WORLD WHERE RESCUE FICS EQUATE TO FLUFF. HIT ME WITH THAT GOOD COMFORT SHIT YAAAAAAS ILY

Out of the Box

Normally I don’t do these as responses to asks, but oh my god I needed to save this ask for prosperity. @littlefists is of course referring to this angst war entry, which I am more than happy to provide a fix-it for. 

Warnings for: mentions of trauma, imprisonment

Also on Ao3

The blindfold itches, butWash makes no move to remove it.

He’s still not sure ifthis is a dream or not, if he’s really free of the bumps and ridges of themetal box that had been his prison for weeks on weeks. This could be anotherhallucination, more vivid and fullbodied than any of the others he’d had. Itcould be some sort of fever dream, the smell of something more than hisunshowered self, the feeling of new clothes against his skin, the taste offresh food on his tongue.

He could be imaginingthis.

But as more time passes,Wash finds himself slowly starting to believe it.

This is real;the soft cotton of the blindfold around his eyes, the ungiving firmness of the hospitalbench that he sits on, and the warm, real presence of other people all aroundhim, even if he can’t see them.

Carolina squeezes hishand. “You okay?”

“Fine,” Wash rasps. She’snot wearing her armor anymore—he can feel the raised lines of her scars. It’skilling him not to be able to look at her face, to be able to reassure himselfthat this isn’t some kind of cruel trick on Felix’s part, stealing his friends’voices to gain his trust. But as the hours drag on, the paranoia fades.

Tucker presses againsthis other side, a warm, comforting presence. If it’s a trick, it’s a very goodone; they even got the scent of Tucker’s shampoo right. “How long do you haveto wear that thing?” He asks. Fingers tap against his temple, right above theblindfold.  

“For a few more hours, atleast!” Grey says, cheerful as ever. “Light hurts a lot right now, much betterto give him time to adjust slowly!”

Wash nods. The room he’sin now is large, large enough that he can’t hear the echoes of every movement,and it’s exhilarating, knowing that he can stand fully without hitting hishead, can walk, can run.

He shouldn’t; he’s not ingreat shape, as Grey keeps firmly reminding him, but he could.

“How did you find me?” Heasks again. Tucker’s taken possession of his other hand, rubbing his thumb overWash’s knuckles. Wash squeezes back, nearly giddy at the human contact. They’rehere, they found him, it’s allalright now.

“Your armor,” Carolinasays. “We recovered it when we took a pirate base not far from where they’dstashed you. We traced Felix and Locus’s footsteps from there.”  

Wash nods. He startlesslightly when someone touches his head, but relaxes as he recognizes the largehands. Caboose has hugged him so often and so hard that Wash nearly cracked afew ribs, but Wash didn’t even care, he was just so glad to be out of that box.

Carolina pauses. “Wethought you were dead, when we saw that armor. But Epsilon decrypted a messagefrom Hargrove. Wash… he wanted you alive.”

“I know,” Wash says. He’sthought about that long and hard. “I don’t know why.”

“Well, it doesn’t fuckingmatter now,” Tucker says, too loudly, but his grip on Wash’s hand is like iron,and it’s comforting, grounding, and most of all real. “Felix and Locus are fucking dead, and Hargrove can fuckingsuck a dick.”

Wash can’t take itanymore, yanking his hand out of Tucker and Carolina’s grips and yanking offthe blindfold, because it’s been weeks since he’s seen his friends, and he needs this, he needs to see this.

“Wash!” Carolina andTucker yell altogether, but the light only stings, doesn’t burn like when they’dpulled him out of the box, and Wash feasts his eyes hungrily on the familiarinfirmary, on the worried Grey, rushing towards him, still in her armor, beforeturning around, first to his left, to see Tucker, his face framed with hisdreadlocks, his expression terrified, and then to Carolina, with Caboosehovering over her shoulder.

Caboose is grinning.Carolina looks thoughtful.

Real.This is real.

Wash doesn’t cry, but hedoes let Caboose pull him into another hug, and just sits there, not evenblinking, savoring the feeling of being in a large, light room.