#and/or maybe unintentionally acting like it its not like she's had a lot of relationship experience

[leliwardens]

the toolset is dubiously canon at best but i still take what i like to mix into my worldstate SO according to character files: marjolaine is 37 to leliana's 26. and if they first met when leliana was 16, that would of made marjolaine 27...which is the about the same age leliana is when she meets the warden. and obv the warden is older than 16, but only by a few years which adds a lot of flavoring to leliwarden i don't think many have considered before.

[orange-artist]

Hi I love your ASL god au! .I do Look forward to the fics this au leads to.

But I’ve been deep diving into it and i have so many questions.

I know you probably have a lot of questions so I understand if you don’t answer.

My questions are about Uta.Well mostly her and about a claim becoming a god.

Any way I remember you mentioned that Uta had ascended to godhood so she was human once. Was Nika the one to claim her?

As the ‘voice of change’ does that mean she can use voice of all? ( since she wears headphone’s because it’s to overwhelming it makes sense).

If she can does she use it to talk to the other gods? ( like telepathy between them possibly?)

((I can also see her using it and unintentionally contacting the gods , nika specially leading to them meeting. Also Nika annoying the hell out of her since she’s the only one who can hear him.))

What’s her relationship with Ace Sabo and Law? Her and luffys relationship is like siblings so is it the same with Ace and Sabo? ( she would technically be the youngest after luffy maybe).

Does she fight?

Do they visit her at all during the 2 year time skip?

Is Tot musica a god? Or something else?

Does Uta still release it like in the movie?

Also was she upset about missing out at marine ford? ( it looked like the ASL we’re having fun)

Do the claimed have a mark on their body? Like a symbol to indicate which god they belong too?

What is the transition from claimed to god like?

How do they know what god they are like title , domain ,patrons?

Do they get a new name as god?

Not a question but just something I can’t stop thinking about. I know it’s probably not true but I head canon that Uta was the first claimed to ascend.

(((Because I also have a bit of interesting scenario - though it’s probably to simple to be what actually happens. When the claimed ascend—that she was Luffys claimed and something happened ( she got severely injured maybe ) he brought her to Raphtel and she suddenly grew wings from the claim mark on her back.

Uta asks Nika what happened to her, freaking out but unfortunately He has no idea and ends calling his brothers for help.

Tsuisu and Astrus have made claims

but they haven’t seen anything like this. So Unfortunately they’re not entirely sure either. So the brothers call Taesis for help.

when Taesis looks her over he says she’s no longer human. In fact Uta is more like one of them, a god.

And they are like WTF! That’s possible?!? They can do that?!

the 4 gods are freaking out over this new information meanwhile Uta is having a mental crisis over no longer being human( suddenly becoming a god is probably overwhelming especially if you end gaining new limbs/ wings).And because the almighty gods are all acting like idiots.)))The image has me laughing.

Sorry if that’s a lot. I’ve been obsessing over this au since you started and I tend to ramble. I know it’s a lot so I completely understand if you don’t answer everything.

Woah that is a lot of questions! Let's see!

Any way I remember you mentioned that Uta had ascended to godhood so she was human once. Was Nika the one to claim her? As the ‘voice of change’ does that mean she can use voice of all? ( since she wears headphone’s because it’s to overwhelming it makes sense).

Yeah! As you said, it is overwhelming for her and the headphone help tone it down/filter it.

If she can does she use it to talk to the other gods? ( like telepathy between them possibly?) ((I can also see her using it and unintentionally contacting the gods , nika specially leading to them meeting. Also Nika annoying the hell out of her since she’s the only one who can hear him.))

While I think the gods are able to communicate in a sense with each other, it's not direct telepathy. They can sense each other and feel vague emotions and ideas not its not through words. They don't use it to actively talk to one other. After all they can kinda just...teleport.

What’s her relationship with Ace Sabo and Law? Her and luffys relationship is like siblings so is it the same with Ace and Sabo? ( she would technically be the youngest after luffy maybe).

At first they kinda treated like like a stray cat Luffy brought home one day but eventually they warmed up to her. She is indeed like a younger sibling to them as well, albeit not as close as Luffy is to them, but close enough.

Does she fight?

Yes :)

Do they visit her at all during the 2 year time skip?

The other gods do! They don't leave her hanging by herself!

Is Tot musica a god? Or something else?

Something else. Primordial deity or something.

Does Uta still release it like in the movie?

Nope! She's sitting on Elegia to keep Tot Musica at bay.

Also was she upset about missing out at marine ford? ( it looked like the ASL we’re having fun)

100% She was so sad she missed out on a chance to put the fear of gods into those marine's head.

Do the claimed have a mark on their body? Like a symbol to indicate which god they belong too?

I haven't decided on this yet! But considering this is an open to interpretation AU, if peeps want to give people marks, I would be totally fine with it!

But as of right now for my cannon? No, no physical marks.

What is the transition from claimed to god like?

For Uta? Dying. Also pretty rough as divinity would need to burn the mortality away bit by bit. :)

How do they know what god they are like title , domain ,patrons?

Rock paper scissors. Jk. Honestly, idk, how does Greek gods divy up domains?

Do they get a new name as god?

Yeah! I'd like to think the earth, sea, and/or sky gifts them their god names.

Not a question but just something I can’t stop thinking about. I know it’s probably not true but I head canon that Uta was the first claimed to ascend. (((Because I also have a bit of interesting scenario - though it’s probably to simple to be what actually happens. When the claimed ascend—that she was Luffys claimed and something happened ( she got severely injured maybe ) he brought her to Raphtel and she suddenly grew wings from the claim mark on her back. Uta asks Nika what happened to her, freaking out but unfortunately He has no idea and ends calling his brothers for help. Tsuisu and Astrus have made claims but they haven’t seen anything like this. So Unfortunately they’re not entirely sure either. So the brothers call Taesis for help. when Taesis looks her over he says she’s no longer human. In fact Uta is more like one of them, a god. And they are like WTF! That’s possible?!? They can do that?!

Oh that's very cute! Really silly to imagine god!Luffy panicking over Uta.

Thanks so much for the ask and I'm so sorry it took me so long to answer! T^T

[okkalo]

hellooooo. could you pls do a scenario of reader unintentionally hearing bllk boys singing for the first time and finding it cute? ft. rin, kaiser, isagi, reo, nagi pls. TYSM LOVELOTSSSS

hi anon! thank u for the request and i hope u enjoy

characters: rin, kaiser, isagi, reo, nagi

rin

- i want to go dad rin for this one but i won’t 😣

- jk i changed my mind.

- i feel like this is one of the only scenarios you could catch him singing

- ok so you’ve had a lot on your plate recently and rin noticed and told you to take the night to yourself and let him handle yua (ifykyk;))

- and so that’s exactly what happened

- once you had enough you-time you immediately wanted to check on yua

- rin was a great dad and all but it just felt weird leaving yua for so long

- quietly, you snuck to her room, knowing she was probably already asleep

- it came as a surprise when you instead saw rin holding her while sitting on the rocking chair, singing her a small song

- your heart? MELTED

- you tried your best to not gasp so you could enjoy the moment for a little longer

- rin, however, noticed quickly </3

- he set the now asleep yua back in her crib before walking over to you, acting like he didn’t do anything out of the ordinary

“welcome back, how was it?” rin greeted with a kiss on your forehead. he pushed you both away from yua’s room so she didn’t accidentally wake up due to your whispers.

“rin, you have the prettiest singing voice and you only use it for yua,” you looked up to him with a pout on your face. you watched the different stages of rin’s realization show on his face. at the end he was covered in blush, looking away while speeding up his pace to go to your shared bedroom.

“rin! you should start singing to me sometime! and slow down!”

“shut up or you’ll wake up yua,” rin warned from basically a mile away from you. yeah, he didn’t slow down nor did he look at you for the rest of the night.

kaiser

- i feel like he sings a lot when doing tasks

- like chores? there’s a good chance that he’s singing

- he always sings low though, so it can be hard to tell

- it’s always absentmindedly too!

- so you noticed it pretty quickly into your relationship with him

- he was opening a few boxes he got from some companies he partnered with and some fan mail that had made its way into the pile when he was once again singing

- meanwhile, you had wanted to sneak up on him

- which, was going well until you abruptly stopped in your tracks at his low smooth voice

- that’s when he noticed you, completely oblivious to your earlier actions

“what’s wrong, liebe?” he questioned, his attention all on you now. a small frown made it’s way to your lips at the lack of his singing.

“were you just singing?” you asked even though it was obvious he was, just hoping he would go into more detail about it. a smirk appeared on his lips at the question, now turning his body to you.

“yes, aren’t i a good singer? do you want me to sing to you, my little bird?” he got closer with each word until his lips were next to your ear, letting out his seductive whispers. as much as you didn’t want to, you went red at his teasing, giving him a pout before pushing him away.

“you can’t say that when you have someone’s love letter to you in your hand!” you fought, both you and kaiser’s gaze dropping to the card with a heart on it. maybe it was bad timing.

- btw he’s not a good singer. he’s just full of himself.

isagi

- any song that has a catchy tune will get stuck in his head and he sometimes sings it out loud

- he has sang body by megan the stallion once because aryu played it as a joke

- but anyways you guys had the idea of creating a shared playlist the other day

- and isagi had been cleaning the dishes with a song stuck in his head

- and lucky for you, you caught him in the act

“isagi, are you singing a song from our playlist?” you recognized the love lyrics the song had. his eyes widened in shock, not even realizing his earlier singing, before turning to you with a red face.

“yeah, it was one of the songs you added,” he admitted sheepishly, hand going up to his nape, “it’s been stuck in my head recently.”

you only smiled at his shy confession, turning off the water to the sink before wrapping your arms around his neck. you both met for a gentle kiss, before going in for one more.

“you have a good voice,” you told, a smile now forming on his lips as his cheeks turned into a darker shade of red. instead of another sappy sentence, he met you for another kiss, this one longer than the rest.

reo

- he’s not much of a singer at all

- meaning it’s VERY rare to see him sing

- but when a song has been stuck in his head for awhile he slips and lets his singing voice out

- this time the song had been a slow one, really accentuating his nice vocals

- it had happened when he was filling out “boring” paperwork, naïve to his own singing

you snuck up on the purple-haired male, making yourself known by snaking a gentle hand up his back, resting your head on his shoulders. you had even gotten a startled jump out of him in the act.

“what’s wrong?” he questioned, head turning so that his still widened eyes met yours. you only have a chuckle at his reaction, your smile easing his tensed body.

“you should sing to me some more, you have a good voice,” his eyes widened once more before a smile made its way on his face. his arm slithered around your figure, pulling you to sit on his lap.

“so you heard, your wish is my command,” he whispered before planting a kiss on your nape, eyes going back to his paperwork while his singing voice started up again.

nagi

- he would hum a lot of game background music

- it was rare to hear him singing actual lyrics, seeing he was not the best music enjoyer

- however, if the song is from a game it’s more likely to happen

- you both had been laying together on your shared bed, doing your own things

- nagi had opened his game and it reminded him of the one song he heard from them

- so naturally, he started singing absentmindedly

- while you were like ????

- you probably thought it was his game at first because you never expected nagi to be singing??

“nagi, is that you?” you questioned, confused if he was just lip syncing or actually singing. once he processed your question and his lips stopped moving, you had your answer.

“yeah,” he answered, not knowing what else to say. his focus stayed on his game, showing his lack of care at your new discovery.

“keep singing, you sound good,” you snuggled up to him, head resting on his shoulder as your eyes fell to his game. his body gave you easy access, a natural response of his for his love of cuddling.

“too much of a hassle,” he sighs, a light stroke of pink coating his cheeks. he secretly loved that you were impressed. so much so, that he might just start singing again later.

unedited thanks for reading!

[xgoldenlatiasx]

I don't talk about Blake, Cheren and Bianca enough but like man I SHOULD. they have such a messy dynamic in Facets of Truth that you wouldn't be able to guess just by lookin at 'em cause they're a pretty normal looking friend group but there is serious tension between them

It all kinda starts with their history. It's not like. BAD history. but it's definitely one factor. Cheren and Bianca knew Blake when they were super little, they went to the same pre-school together, and... well, they were the heavily bullied kid. and at the time Cheren and Bianca were kinda just... bystanders to it. also Cheren didn't exactly "participate" in the bullying but he was the Smart Kid of the class so he'd unintentionally put a target on Blake's back when he'd correct them about something with the kinda snarky "erm, actually" attitude he had with everyone. and the other kids in the class would follow along and label Blake as dumb. and I think Bianca would've avoided them just because they were always kinda in the background and like, didn't want to get targeted by bullies either.

and like, they were all like seven so none of this was done in malicious intent, and by the time they reunite when they're 17-18 Blake doesn't blame either of them for it at ALL. like, they hardly even remember it. they are a bit awkward around Cheren and Bianca but it's because they're in a region far away from their loved ones and thrown onto this spur of the moment journey with these practical strangers, not cause of that. Cher and Bianca read it as them still being mad at them for the way they were treated as a kid, though, and it makes them both act a little cautious around them. Cheren just chooses not to address it cause he doesn't wanna stir the pot, and keeps a safe distance, but Bianca keeps trying to sort of make up for it by checking in on them frequently. Blake appreciates the gesture, but they're kinda like "???" and it comes off a little condescending to them and uhh Blake has a bit of a "doesn't-like-being-coddled" complex. it's not enough to make them snap at Bianca of course, but its a little exasperating.

and throughout their journey tensions rise cause it turns out Cheren and Blake have some traits that clash, and it doesn't help that Cheren keeps losing to them. I feel like he also holds some confusion and mild resentment for how casual they are about losing their champion title a while back. like, there are people who work their entire lives for that stuff, and you just threw it away after a year?? he sees them as an obstacle to overcome, and if he can beat this lousy ex-champion he can prove he has what it takes to challenge the actual one. and the fact that he fails to every time is Frustrating.

and for Bianca this is all conflicting cause obviously she doesn't like seeing her friends fight! and she wants to be closer to Blake, she admires them as a trainer, they even give her advice sometimes! but they're extremely secretive and reserved about their past and how they're feeling, and it sends a lot of mixed signals to her. do they see her as a friend? do they think she's annoying? I feel like maybe these two don't butt heads as much as Blake does with Cheren, and maybe get along pretty well most of the time, but there's still Blake's issues with opening up and Bianca's self consciousness putting a wall between them.

part of this also ties in to their relationship with N too, actually. Blake's biggest problem was that they were still actively processing some pretty severe trauma and were thrusted into unfamiliarity in the middle of said processing- in Kalos it was different, they had their Pokemon with them and Hop was just a region away. it didn't feel nearly as daunting. also, they arguably had a better support system for dealing with the stuff that happened with Rose than they did with what happened with Lysandre later on, post Team Flare they only really had Shauna, Auberi and Yveltal to talk to about it but those two were too busy with their own lives, and Yveltal still kept distance from them out of guilt for cursing them and fear of harming them. they had Hop, Leon, Sonia, Bede, Marnie, etc., but... none of them were there for the Ultimate Weapon stuff like they were for the Darkest Day. (and like- Ultimate Weapon was significantly more intense than Darkest Day. people DIED during that)

so when Blake meets N, and he expresses how he sympathizes a bit with the bitterness over what they've gone through, they're like. almost overwhelmingly relieved. sure, he was a stranger, but he wasn't floating awkwardly around them like everyone else was, even if he wasn't there for their trauma it was something. someone they could potentially connect to and not have to mask around. but then the ferris wheel scene happens, the reveal happens, the walls come down, he's king of the evil team they've seen actively hurting people the last few weeks. the betrayal hits hard. and probably just causes them to retreat into their shell even further.

and this only makes the rift between them, Cheren and Bianca bigger. they're frustrated, their patience has thinned, more bitter and sarcastic remarks are coming out more often. Cheren's wondering what the hell their deal is, their lashing out is making Bianca more reserved and anxious. it's a big mess of miscommunication and lack of trust, which is inevitably one of the obstacles Blake has to overcome by the end of the story. they need to learn that even if Bianca and Cheren don't understand, that doesn't mean they intend any harm, it doesn't mean they don't want to be there for them, and that they need to trust the two with some of the more fragile pieces of themself. when the league siege happens, Blake is ready to accept the title of hero of truth and rely more on the people around them, and as they storm the castle Cheren and Bianca (and the gym leaders that Bianca managed to gather) are there to help clear the path to N for them. AAAAGHHHH I'm so normal I swear. this friend group means sm to me

[maygrcnt]

I so appreciate the bucktaylor breakup scene but if I had to choose I’m an eddieana breakup scene girlie through and through. Everything about that scene from the setup (Eddie’s panic attacks at the thought of being with Ana as a family, not acknowledging her when she came to the station like I feel bad for her but it was just nwah) to the writing, the cinematography (so different in vibe and mood than theirs usual stuff), the choreography of their movements, the dialogue, the acting, just everything!!! That for me was the best chemistry they had together and the implications of Eddie’s dialogue and the way Ryan delivered it were just insane and totally convinced me of queer/gay Eddie. The way it starts with Eddie, ana, and Chris sitting at the table in a very mundane sort of way and Chris and Ana just doing this regular thing but you can see in Eddie’s face somethings not right and you can also tell Ana feels the tension but is choosing to ignore it and be in her perfect bubble and idk I just felt the tension just oozing through the screen and the moment eddie dropped the “maybe you should go home first” it was like okay okay this is getting intense. And then Ana pacing through the kitchen trying to overcompensate and clean and ignore and Eddie getting trying to get her to listen AH!! And the way at the end she was trying to embrace Eddie but he was still so stiff in their last moments together Eddie just could not give into her touch or even let her easily touch him …. Ryan also has a very pretty sad/in pain face so yeah that was also a good perk but it was just so good and something I didn’t expect at all because their relationship felt very empty and underdeveloped so I thought their breakup would be fairly swift and quick. that’s another reason I just feel the queer/gay energy was often the charts because there was no reason their breakup needed to be the way it was with the kind of build it had (the breakup build up was more intense than the relationship build up itself). but it was just so pivotal for me in Eddie’s story and you could tell it wasn’t really about the relationship ending or Ana and Eddie it was really about Eddie (that’s also why I absolutely hate the Marisol stuff because it feels very unlike Eddie even if he is still repressed it’s just no him)

no i understand this so much because eddieana breakup is genuinley art and probably the most real and raw exploration of eddies character this show has ever done. all that to say, bucktaylor breakup is just funny and i love unintentionally funny scenes. like we start with buck PERCHED on the stairs like fucking batman, scary as HELL. and then buck is breaking up with HER as if HE wasnt the one who just cheated like taylor girl stand up im begging you. and then ending on, what i believe to be just as good of a like as maybe you should go home first: "a clean slate" "just not together" (off topic but did anyone else get flashbacks to this line durring the eddie marisol moving out scene?) its so funny but i also love it in a sincere way. it would be a lot more impactful if everything buck said wasnt imediately negated by his subsequent relationship but whatever.

[bigfrozenfan]

Speculation time...

Actually, it's way too early to speculate about the plot of Frozen III, that will only change with the first leaked image, but I saw some speculations on Discord and i thought, why not, let’s jump on the bandwagon.

From my point of view as a fic writer, the film could start as follows...: As a flashback, it could be the big wedding of Anna and Kristoff, probably half a year after the events of Frozen II and after Anna has somewhat solidified herself in her new role as Queen of Arendelle. Also, it takes time for all the friendly kingdoms to have had enough time to respond to the invitation, choose gifts and travel to Arendelle for the big event. Ship journeys also take some time and depend on the weather. Depending on when Frozen II comes out, there could then be a jump to the present (5-7 years later?), and thus to the actual plot. Anna (sensibly) has two children by now and one of them develops magical abilities. Anna realises that she has received a gift from Ahtohallan for her great deed of destroying the dam and thus restoring nature in the enchanted forest plus freeing the Northuldra from the magical mist. Like Iduna at the time, who had received a similar gift for her brave deed and passed it on to Elsa at birth, the same thing has now unexpectedly happened to Anna. She fears the worst and remembers her own childhood. In fact, the child is completely overwhelmed with the special abilities, constantly causing chaos and perhaps even unintentionally hurting someone. Anna can't help herself and asks Elsa for help, because she is the only one who can instruct Anna's child. [At this point, the question for me is whether Disney is revisiting the characters of the Northuldra, or ignoring them completely]. Elsa takes the child with her into the enchanted forest, because there the child can act out freely without causing much harm. So far so good and everything is going according to plan. But now the question arises whether: 1. a new villain appears who follows the rumours about magic in the enchanted forest, meets the child and watches him practising (Elsa has other things to do at the moment and trusts Anna's child. Besides, there is no danger to fear). This villain then does what villains do, he does something evil and kidnaps the child under good coaxing and many lies. 2. this child does something inexcusable, which drives Ahtohallan up the wall or whatever. 3. Disney sees another opportunity to teach its young viewers (ages 3-12 or so) something and has the child do something heroic, but of course only after making lots of mistakes and doing very stupid things. Since this child is different from Elsa back then and takes after Anna, i.e. acts spontaneously, is courageously extroverted and thus represents the complete opposite of Elsa back then, it causes Elsa a lot of problems. She has promised her sister that nothing can or will happen to her daughter/son. It ends up with Anna having to come here with Kristoff, Sven and Olaf and all five of them have to find a solution as quickly as possible. Maybe the second child will also come along because it has a special relationship with its sibling.

[tuliptyper]

Oddly Specific Thomas Hewitt hcs;

TW mention for canon typical violence/cannibalism but also mentions of mental illness, suicide, bullying and general poor mental health. also nasty gross nail gunk

also these are long and wordy and not proofread sorry hehe

- neurodivergent, probably ADHD but it manifests in a way that he constantly second guesses his diagnosis bc people say he doesnt 'act like it' (projection? huh? idk her)

- dry asf hands because he cleans them a lot because he doesnt like feeling dirty but doesnt have much time to wash his face/shower. he hates his nails bc he doesnt know how to get the gunk out and accidentally stabbed his nail bed tryna clean them with a tooth pick

- loves his mama but he wishes she understood him better. growing up mute and being bullied by pretty much everyone, hes grown so fragile without even knowing it. sometimes he wishes he could peer into his mothers mind and tell her how he truly feels.

- i think he has some sort of relationship with self punishment. not really sh in the typical sense but he feels he deserves to be overworked to the point of sickness, he doesnt like to rest or treat himself. he gets tense when things are peaceful for too long and he feels the need to bully himself relentlessly. its awful :(

- living in an environment where hes essentially the breadwinner, bodyguard AND punching bag with no refuge to run to is incredibly hard. if it weren't for the guilt and his dedication to his family, he..well...i think you can guess the rest. (someone go get this guy some prozac)

- if he was introduced to them, hed love fairy tales. even though he was pulled from school and had very litle encouragement to persue his hobbies aside from sewing, hes a curious man who enjoys learning. fairy tales give him insight into past culture (and they also satiate his desire for romance. sigh ❤❤) ((call him your prince, he would actually get light headed from all the butterflies))

- should he ever get a taste of freedom, be it a particularly good experience with some strangers or seeing some pretty scenery on the road, he will chase that high Forever. he craves normalcy in its most wholesome form; saying hello to coworkers, picking up groceries, maybe taking his dog out for a walk and getting take out when hes tired. Hoyt knows this somewhat and makes sure tommy doesnt persue that desire with some nasty words and manipulation. ((literally grab his hand, run away into town and dont come back. discreetly send a check to mama with a small house on her name a few blocks down and leave the other old coots to rot))

- i gotta agree with the metalhead hc, he would love stupid ass nu-metal! dad metal, if you will. 2000s era heavy rock and anything with some angry lyrics. hates headbanging though, simply bc he loses his balance more than hed like to admit and also knots are fucking annoying to comb out with his curly hair. BUT ALSO his guilty pleasure music would be really sweet piano music or film soundtracks,,,its his inner romantic

- Thomas has like...hot dad personality..HEAR ME OUT omfg he finds puns funny, twirls his keys like a DAD and DIYs everything. he makes a lot of furniture, clothes and miscellaneous trinkets in his spare time. he needs an etsy shop ASAP

- but also hes such cute goth boyfriend material omg, he'd let you play with his hair, even braid or dye a strand if youre lucky! matching outfits kill him because he loves being yours. your hot goth husband. hell, he'll wear the bedazzled 'His/Hers' t shirt you got from the flea market, at least it fits him!

- dont send him to the gym, hes either the reason membership sales skyrocket or skydive ( they either see him and think 'i want to be him' or 'ill never be him' LMAO). unintentionally, hes a menace at the gym bc hes just generally so strong from all the physical labor back at the farm house

- i think he'd go vegetarian aside from those ready to eat rotisserie chickens you get from the supermarket (listen...i smash a whole chicken with a side of rice and corn like nobody's fuckin business)

[radiant-reid]

Comfortable

A/n: this could unintentionally be a part 2 to Tough day

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

Genre: a whole lot of fluff

WC: 1.2k

CW: Nothing (??)

"Hi," Spencer murmured, raspy-voiced from the night of sleep he'd just had. Possibly the first adequate amount he'd had in at least a week.

He looked the epitome of soft. Long curls messily tumbling over his forehead. His barely-there facial hair had grown as much as it could in the week she hadn't seen him, which wasn't a lot. High cheekbones, sharp jawline like something holy created by Michelangelo. He didn't leave a chance for any other man to be as beautiful. And, if his pretty face wasn't enough, his personality made it a completely uneven playing field.

Y/n could unquestionably admire him for the rest of her life. And it still wouldn't be long enough.

"Hi, baby boy," Y/n returned, a smile spreading over her face. It was the smile reserved for him. "Are you feeling okay?" She asked, tracing his finger over his pointed features.

Spencer had been considerably upset after his last case. Tears starting the moment he walked in the door and not stopping for an hour afterward.

Spencer nodded slightly. How could he not feel better? His girl was wrapped up in his arms. She would have assumed he wanted it the other way, but Spencer needed to feel her in his arms. It was irrational, but he liked knowing she was safe. He needed to feel her body on top of his, her body weight acting like an anchor to keep him grounded.

"Yeah, thank you," Spencer spoke gently. Y/n was mesmerized by the rising and falling of his chest when he spoke. She still wasn't able to take her glance away from his deep-seated brown eyes.

Y/n held his face in her hands, moving higher, so she was lying fully on top of him. "You never have to thank me, Spence. I'm always here for you." She reassured him, knowing the comfort was something he needed so he could stop thinking about what he'd had to see in the prior days.

She delicately traced down his perfect nose. Giggling when he scrunched it, which made the side of his lips twitch upwards. Pure happiness.

Still, Spencer felt guilty. Y/n was always there for him, no matter what was going on in his life. He couldn't even imagine how terrified he'd feel if their roles were reversed. Seeing Y/n come back from cases heartbroken would feel like a nightmare. Spencer didn't understand how she did it.

"Y/n." He started, his new serious tone drawing Y/n's features into a frown. "I worried I don't tell you how much I love you." Despite being able to memorize them, Spencer was never good with his own words. He could recite hundreds of love poems off by heart, but none of them expressed how he felt. "And I do love you. So much. I'm just not good at showing it." He claimed.

Y/n could see the guilty look on his face. She could tell he felt like he didn't deserve any of the good things in his life, despite all the terrible things he'd gone through.

On top of that, he always felt inexperienced. He'd never seen a happy relationship growing up, and it was something he couldn't learn out of a textbook, so he had no clue if he was doing it right.

"Spencer, honey, you tell me more than enough." She assured him, holding his face in her palms. "And you show me just as much. Seriously, I've never felt more loved in my life. I can tell you're worried you're not doing it right, but you've never done anything wrong." She comforted him, stroking his cheeks. It was unbelievable to her that Spencer ever felt he didn't show her enough love. "I see and hear how much you love me all the time. I can physically feel it." She told him, reaching down to place her hand on his heart.

Spencer nodded at her sadly. "Okay, because I do love you." He continued.

"I love you too, baby. I'm going to make us breakfast, my love," Y/n announced, not particularly wanting to leave Spencer for a second but hungry.

Spencer shook his head. "Wait, kiss, please." He adorably whined out his request.

Y/n couldn't say no to someone looking as cute as he did, leaning forwards to gently place their lips together. It was sweet, sensitive and full of nothing but love. Everything Spencer needed. Everything Y/n needed.

"Shower and then come to the living room." She gently instructed as she rolled off him.

Spencer nodded, moving so he could get out of their warm bed. "What are you making?" He turned back to ask her.

"Your favorite, of course. French toast." She answered.

Spencer had one last request. "Can you do the thing?" He asked shyly.

Y/n smiled at how adorably childish he was. "Of course." She agreed.

He insisted it made him feel better when she cut the french toast with Halloween cookie cutters so he could eat the little pumpkins, ghosts, witch hats, and bats.

Once breakfast had been eaten, it was Spencer's choice of activity. Naturally, that meant reading.

"Can you read it to me?" Spencer asked, holding his book out to her.

Y/n nodded, smiling at how cute he always looked. "Of course." She agreed, taking the book and sitting on the couch, holding open her arms so they could hug.

Spencer shook his head. "Can I braid your hair?" He shyly asked, wanting to be as close to her as possible.

"Yeah." Y/n was more than happy to let him. His soft, gentle fingers did it better than she did anyway. She moved so Spencer could sit behind her on the couch, his height making it easy.

Spencer glided his thin fingers through her strands of hair, carefully braiding it, making sure it wasn't too tight. Y/n read aloud his book, trying not to fumble over any of the big words.

"You know, you could read this so much faster than me?" Y/n commented after finishing a chapter.

She couldn't see, but Spencer shrugged. "I like this, though." He simply told her. Y/n figured the answer was good enough and kept reading. "Alright, all done." He stated, placing a kiss on her hairline.

Y/n ran her finger over the braid. "Wow, it's amazing, Spence. Thank you." She complimented, tilting her head up to look at him.

Spencer smiled at her. "Can it be my turn now?" He timidly requested.

Y/n was happy to oblige. She loved all the hairstyles he had, but the benefit of his long hair was that she could braid it. "Yeah, you are going to have to sit on the floor, though." She told him. "And you have to read."

Spencer quickly scrambled to sit on the floor, taking the book from Y/n. "But I like listening to your voice." He commented with a pout.

Y/n let out a giggle as she parted his hair. "Ah, so there's the real reason." She accused.

Spencer looked up at her like a dear caught in the headlights before smirking. "Maybe." He spoke.

"Okay, stop being cute and read." She instructed, spinning his head back around so start braiding his long brown locks.

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[hhjs]

love or lack thereof.

pairing  — felix x reader

genre / trope  — angst, fluff / exes with benefits.

word count — 7.7k 

warnings  — suggestive, heavy implications, swearing, some making out but no actual r rated stuff but i will say this is suitable for 18 and up audiences. 

note  — this is unedited, subject to change. spare me lol

There are two sides to every person. The side that you want people to see and the side that you keep to yourself.

You think you've come to discover all those aspects of Lee Felix. Given that he's sweet, unassuming and inexplicably kind to the naked eye but you know, the rising anger in you knows he's only ever been cruel to you.

"Move," you seethe, he moves to let you in but you unintentionally knock your shoulder against his. There's people on the subway, and you hate the way Felix's innocent gaze finds yours for a second and it makes you look like the bad guy.

You feel the disapproving glare of a grandma who has a crumpled catalogue about seasonal pie recipes on her lap, as if she can't believe how much of a cunt you were being to an absolute stranger.

A roll of eyes follows, fishing for your ear phones, if only they knew.

Seeing your ex boyfriend outside of your casual deal hits you with the force of a punch to the gut. But you hid it exceptionally well. Arrogantly jutting your chin upwards. Whilst he cowers beside you, having supposedly caught your sour mood.

To think you had spent an hour with him in a bedroom just formerly...is rather strange. You've been sleeping with him for the past few months now and where it had begun is slightly mysterious to you — was it Chan's birthday party or a clubbing gone wrong one night stand just after Felix had come back to town....? You aren't entirely sure.

Albeit the arrangement is ingrained in your head — what you have with him is a secret strictly kept from your friends who otherwise if even caught air of a mere conversation between you two would invite an influx of queries. This is simple, physical, you don't have time for a relationship, let alone one with him and to mend how utterly lonely you are with someone who hasn't already seen you naked, someone who you couldn't blindly trust, is too much work.

Even though Felix is indubitably affected by your unwavering indifference, something he wasn't used to when you were together because of how giving you were to sate his utterly needy tendencies. Now he feels himself clawing at your hardened exterior in search of just those affections to no actual avail —hurt crossing his eyes when you sneak out of bed without saying goodbye, when days pass and you don't call or text and most importantly, when you're in public and you can't be bothered to spare him as much as a glance. To you, it's nothing more and nothing less. You make it a necessity to keep reminding him.

See you liked to pretend you're a resilient person. That in your heart you really do forgive people and move on.

But he is an exception.

"Did you eat?" He perks up, his voice is small. Careful.

You keep your stoic expression, looking ahead. "No."

Then he blinks, like he usually does when he doesn't understand why you act the way you do. Impolite, communicating only in monosyllables.

Do you really hate him that much?

There's a hoodie pulled over his black hair, longer along the neck,headphones dangling from his neck and his backpack in his hand, he hopes when he holds onto the same railing as you are, that your fingers should brush just a little.

Despite the way you adamantly ignore him, Felix opens his mouth to utter a passing inquiry. Your jaw clenches. And you desperately begin to scan the city map plastered inside to navigate passengers to their destinations.

"Can we...do you want to get something to eat..." He swallows, "together?"

As if he's crazy for even making such a proposition, you look at him once but from the corner of your eye and he thinks that's a lot considering how often you look past him, through him, never at him. You shake your head, giving him a warning stare.

Across from you, his reflection is frowning at your negative response. Still staring at you with a marveling gleam in his eyes, how much you've changed over the past two years just as he has....still takes him by surprise. Suddenly and unexpectedly, his eyes flicker to yours and he finds you staring at his image against the glassed doors. And like a deer caught in headlights, your heart drops to the depths of your stomach.

The announcement above falls deaf to your ears as you exit in a blind rush of sheer panic. Ignoring the biting cold and unfamiliar station. Your stop is still quite far. Maybe you'd have to take the taxi... or walk.

But in the face of all those hassles you sense yourself feeling incredibly relieved...because frankly, you think, you could go to hell and back if gets you away from him.

—

"So you came to tell me you're just gonna give up? Is that it?"

Felix carefully glances at you through his lashes, silently pursing his lips as to convey the answer.

You stare at the speckles of light kissing up his freckled cheeks, his big beaming eyes, a slightly low bridge but rounded tip of his nose paired with a small upturned mouth.

You can't believe you won't see him again.

Whenever he'd catch a break, he'd take the 2 hour bus to town and come see you, meet you and those once in six months meetings alone, to you, compensated for his lengthy absence.

So it couldn't be the distance, you thought, if that were the case he'd have dumped you when he moved to the capital for university.

Felix just doesn't want to be with you anymore.

"You don't get it...." He closes his eyes, as if he doesn't want to see himself saying what he is about to say, you almost don't get the resistance in his tone. The subtle drop of his Adam's apple. "I don't want to hurt you." He starts, "Just think about this rationally... we're so young, what if I find someone else there?"

Someone...else?

Is it that easy to dispose of you? Aren't you enough?

How foolish of you to only ever think of him.

It felt like Felix was kicking you where knew would hurt the most.

Your sardonic laugh is cracked, garbled and it's so fucking embarrassing that you're crying in the middle of a fast food joint, your fries have gone cold. Had you known seeing him this time would be vastly different from usual, you wouldn't have ordered at all. Why didn't he tell you before? Why had he insisted on catching you unawares?

But then again...this isn't about you at all. This is about Lee Felix. This is about him reducing your worth to make room for himself.

Ultimately, you understand, what is worse than not being loved back is being loved by someone who doesn't love you as much as you do them.

"Well I won't stand in your way then,"

You clear your throat,

"Fuck..." you rub your temple, the sadist in you coughing up hysterical laughs. The ache inside your heart at this point has turned into physical pain, cracks fissuring out against its surface and gnawing at the flesh like its being torn apart at the seams.

You should've seen this coming.

Everyone told you and told you you could only drag on an opposites attract sort of relationship for so long before you start to realise how incompatible you are.

Felix has the audacity to reach over and place his fingertips on your knuckles,his eyes are sad, overflowing with pity. It makes you feel small, the way he looks at you, small, sad and abandoned.

What tips you over the edge, however, is how calm he seems, as if he had been precisely planning to dump you for days and months and years while you continue to make a fool out of yourself never have forseen his decision.

There are tears running down your cheeks, abusing your vision with a vicious sting. You bring your sleeve to collect the needless moisture in a sudden rise of temper that is oh so typical of you.

You snatch your hand away from his touch.

"Don't touch me." You say, the simple comment transfers pain to Felix's eyes, mouth parting in silent words. You want to scream at him, you want to shake him by the collar and tell say something, just say anything at all and I will forgive you. Goddamnit.

In a perfect world, you think, a world where things happened exactly the way they should, you wouldn't have said, instead,

"And don't you fucking dare come back here...ever again."

And...in that very perfect world, he would've listened.

—

Felix thinks he could, dare he say, love everything about you. Even though you most certainly deserve someone who hasn't hurt you the way he has.

Now it's funny actually, how the tables have turned...back then, he wasn't sure about you and now you aren't about him.

Felix doesn't really blame you though...because he knows he asked for it.

Your presence in his life has somehow become an absolute necessity to say the least. And ironically enough, while he had so confidently pushed you to let go of him, he realises he had been holding onto you all along.

Now what was he saying...again?

Right. Felix loves everything about you.

But what he loves most...is the way your hand instinctively finds his heart when you're kissing. It's just a simple movement of your fingers splaying against his chest, the warmth of them seeping through the fabric of his shirt. He doesn't even know why it means so much to him.

His hand drops from your ass to the back of your thighs to situate you closer to his chest. He moans into the kiss when your teeth comes to scrape against his bottom lip, your ministrations are typically rough and speedy but he is seemingly far too absorbed by the exhilarating feeling coursing throughout his entire form — it's not just blatant lust, he knows, but a much deeper understanding that he is inexplicably gladdened by the fact that he's touching you and you're touching him.

A shaky breath leaves Felix's parted lips as he cranes his neck to allow your lingering kisses to shift along his angular jaw.

Then without quite meaning to, his vision focuses on the table clock that reads it's well past midnight...you had run late tonight for reasons you neglected to disclose. Now that he really focuses, a strong musky fragrance akin to unfamiliar men's cologne wafts up his nostrils.

It couldn't be....

As Felix's suspicions run deeper, he restlessly begins to search up every aspect of his surroundings as best as he can in the limited provision of light. There is a large coat discarded on his bed, one he hasn't seen you wear before...then again it might not be yours at all...

You notice how he's stopped responding to you, so you pause, leaning back, still on his lap. "Is something the matter?"

Felix swallows, blinking up innocently at you. This deal is simple, isn't it? He knew what he was getting into the first time you got together and the second and the third and so on, so why had the possibility of you getting involved with someone else even bother him then?

Both of you knew why.

And what's worse is that Felix is sensitive by nature, never truly succeeding to hide his emotions, especially intense ones when faced with them. So he is hyper aware of the fact that what he is feeling in the moment is not jealousy, it's neither anger nor resentment but a deep seated insecurity that he will lose you.

Again.

"Were you...with someone?"

As expected, your hands resign from cupping his face, you avoid looking at him.

"What?"

Felix clears his throat, his accent thicker, voice heavy from disuse. He thinks about something being with you in the same way only he has...and it causes a dull ache inside his chest.

He rests his head back against the sofa and shrugs lazily. As if to prove a point, as if to say did he touch you here? his fingers ride up your t shirt, gently cupping your ribs, he tries not to look too satisfied when you quiver under the touch.

Still you lift yourself up and the sudden lack of contact almost makes him whine.

You stand before him. A hand at your hip.

"Why are you acting like this?" You say and he notes you sound more... curious than annoyed. Though what frustrates him is that you hadn't answered his question. "I thought I made myself clear...there are rules we agreed upon."

Oh he knows — no staying over, no personal questions, no jealousy.

Felix purses his lips. The downside of your forwardness, the same utterly admirable trait he finds really fucking hot, the one that conditions you to tell Minho off when he hogs all of Felix's brownies though the latter himself is too much of a pushover to say anything, the same one which had in times of recurring doubtfulness assured him of your strong feelings towards him, is that you say whatever comes to mind without sparing anyone's feelings.

"I'm just asking, [........]," he lies, trying to control the pain from projecting itself onto his voice. It hurts to see the way you jump to defend yourself around him, as though you're scared he'll hurt you again. The lack of faith you have him, after all this time, causes him hurt. "Why are you getting so upset...."

Felix is gentle. Communicating his feelings through his actions rather than words, cooly, slowly. And you are the exact opposite — there is an immediacy in your conveyance, a roughness. You mean what you say and you say what you mean so you think everyone does too. Which is why, he concludes, his present actions are insufficient to remove the seeds of resentment he'd left in the wake of his bitter utterances when you broke up.

But Felix was only 18 then, a kid completely unaware of his overwhelming need to have you in his life....what matters is, he's trying...he really is, to recover from his mistakes......shouldn't that least matter?

Thinking the slight inhibition in his tone is just a figment of your imagination and that he is simply and indifferently inquiring you, you feel a wave of embarrassment wash over you. Then you drop down on the bed, feeling for his remote.

You sniff through your nose and against your better judgement say, "I went out with an acquaintance,"

On weekends Chan usually wasn't home, you could come over. This is the routine, it has been for some time now...so, you've come to know Felix's room more intimately than your own, the walls are a deep blue, like the kind of blue out of a Holly Warburton painting. There's an old Coldplay poster on the back of his door and X-Men action figures from eons ago lined on the edges of his bookshelf.

You know where everything goes when though it's dark. But that doesn't mean anything.

It shouldn't.

"A acquaintance who gave you their coat midwinter...you must be close,"

You ignore his pointed comment, he ignores the way your eyes light up when you talk about this acquaintance.

"He's nice." You say, "He walked me to the station and everything."

A happy hum comes in response.

Because when was the last time you talked to him as freely as you are?

Felix plops down on his stomach beside you, elevating his form on his elbows. His fingers come to brush loose strands out of your eyes. Your gaze meets his for the second time that week. Slower. As if you hadn't minded looking him this time. He feels his heart being tugged at all possible angles.

Then, because he can't stop himself — he leans down and kisses you, tentative and indolent, like he has all the time in the world, like all he wants to do is kiss. Don't get him wrong...you've done downright unspeakable things with him, to him...but nothing mediates his adoration for you without the employment of speech like these little chaste...purposeless movements. His fingers coming to splay against your neck, thumbing along your throat when you gulp, the tip of your nose brushing against his cheekbone, eyes fluttering shut. They're...they're intimate. Utterly special. He knows you feel it too, from the way you look slightly surprised, searching his face, eyes skimming up any fragment of emotion conveyed in his features. But you don't encourage it, slowly shifting to turn your back as you lay quietly against his chest.

"Let me stay here tonight," you say, "I'm tired."

"Okay,"

Felix thinks you've broken not one, but two rules now. He hadn't expected you to answer. He hadn't expected you to get into bed with no intention of departing either.

Though he doesn't hold it against you, this is what he wants, for you to open up to him again...after all. These changes can't be bad changes, even if they are little, it's still progress...right?

—

You wet your fingers, dipping the moistened muscle against the clay mold. All around you is not as eerily quite as it is in your apartment, footsteps thrumming against hardwood floor, kiddish humming from the kitchen, the smell of sugar in the air, you've never worked outside of your home station and well...in class. You thought of yourself as a self sufficient individualist, you liked to believe that you didn't enjoy other people's company like you did your own, with the exception of your roommate. But that's only since you aren't close enough for her to disturb you.

Yet with Soomi moved out for good, the place felt...odd to stay by yourself.

So you found yourself spending more and more time at Felix's. It's nice to have a place to crash in every now and then, the sex is great and when you get hungry after, you don't have to think twice about scouring the fridge.

You don't know why you put off spending time aside from sleeping together at all, more time spent didn't necessarily add to your deal or subtract from it....because the action itself doesn't really mean anything. Everyone gets tired of being alone at some point. That's a universal fact.

Initially, you told yourself your presence was a consequence of Chan catching you two in the shower one night...so now that the cat's out of the bag, you two figured his place could become the only premise you didn't have to play pretend in. You both knew the elder would be more than willing to keep the younger's secret even if he didn't exactly approve of it.

With the increased frequency of your visits, bits and pieces of you remain dispersed all throughout the apartment, your body wash in his bathroom, your underwear in his laundry, the smell of you in his sheets, on his clothes. You had relaxed yourself through the periphery of his life and he had small glimpses of yours, habits and flaws, unknowingly...or knowingly....whatever. — Felix could only thank God that Chan had found out, in spite of the revelation itself putting you both in a compromising position.

With time, he starts to keep a few secrets from you too, here and there, knowing that if you knew you will stop doing it altogether. He can't have that...

You throw a leg around his hip when you're fast asleep, flinging an arm not a second later to cage him in your warm embrace. Felix likes the way your chest rises and falls against his back, how your breath tickles his skin and your mouth parts against his shoulder blade. Sometimes he stays awake and waits for you to do it, then when you do, he grins so hard his face hurts a little. Felix likes being the little spoon.

"Are you listening?"

His vision narrows down to the sight of you holding out your palms in the air, there's wet clay on them, as well on your cheek and legs, between them your pottery wheel is halted to desuetude, there's old newspapers layering the floorboard to prevent staining.

"Sorry...," he smiles sheepishly, "What did you say?"

It's your turn to shift your gaze to your feet. Felix thinks it's highly uncharacteristic, the way you seem almost...shy?

"Can you..." You eye the mug mounted on his study desk, he catches onto your request easily, "I'm thirsty—"

"Yeah yeah hold on... careful," Felix chirps, carefully guiding the rim to your lips to make sure it doesn't spill. He uses the tip of his thumb to wipe the corner of your mouth, you flinch first but then whilst the mild shock subsides, simply stare up at him as the pad of his thumb brushes against your skin. "There you go..." he trails, eyes bright with care.

You feel like a child being doted on, the mere emotion plunging you back to when you were 5 and had crushes on boys who shared skittles with you.

"Thanks."

Felix's ears perk up at the courtesy, you were never one to express yourself easily and when you did, every time, he felt inexplicably delighted.

The apples of your cheeks feel hot for some reason, by putting yourselves in in these small situations, you keep confusing him, you know, because you keep confusing yourself too.

You come out again that night but this time Bang Chan is shifting around in the kitchen. He hardly sleeps, you observe, but probably refusing to come out because he wanted to avoid bumping into you.

Chan doesn't seem to like you very much. Probably. You don't blame him. Before you came along, Felix and he spent more time together, now you had become a constant in his life without will.

You have to listen twice to realise he's speaking with you. Not an invisible being behind you.

"What?"

"I said..." His tone dropped dangerously low, he looks annoyed at something. "Listen I don't care what you're doing but don't hurt him." He's wearing a black t shirt and a pair of pajama shorts with cartoon wolves littered all across the baby blue fabric. He's trying to appear intimidating. It's not really working.

You stifle a laugh.

Frankly had you not known how deeply he cared for Felix, you'd not have cared about his advice. Or warning....?

"Fine," you respond, watching as the tension visibly left his body with one bating breath. "I hope this isn't about me stealing your yoghurt though."

"It's a little about stealing my yoghurt," he jokes, you think he's one of those people who'd apologise if you punched them in the face and spat in their drink. It's interesting...

Chan laughs a little. His eyes sparking with amusement for the first time of all the times he's looked at you. Did he trust your word that much?

—

"He talks about you a lot you know,"

You nearly spit out your drink. Seungmin isn't exactly the densest guy you know. Far from it exactly and he isn't discreet either. So your first instinct is to think he knows something.

You watch Felix from a distance, a solo cup in hand, he's laughing at something Hyunjin said, there's a crinkle along the bridge of his nose and his upper lip curls upwards to reveal his teeth. In reality, in everyone's eyes, your lives are separate. They walk on eggshells around you still...you assure yourself there's no way anyone could've guessed.

So you play dumb, glugging the whiskey into your cup. It spills around the edges, landing on the semi-lit neon counter.

"Who?"

Seungmin blinks at you. An unreadable expression on his face.

"Jisung." He says, "Who else?"

You feel yourself getting less excited, the breath you were unconsciously holding passing your entire form. Jisung is the newest addition to your life, a performing arts student who offered to portrait model for a project you'd been given in class. He's cute, forward, which you like a lot. And you notice whilst using him for inspiration, that he looks at you just as attentively as you had at him.

Only for different reasons.

Jisung asks for your number. You say yes. Half-heartedly. Though at the forefront of your mind you keep comparing everyone to the guy you go home to ever so often, you pick out their flaws and their perfections and you think to yourself he isn't like this, he is like this.

"Yeah?" You pose, sipping and wincing. "What did he say?"

"Just the usual stuff...." Seungmin tilts his head, he's not drinking tonight because he has an exam tomorrow. You think it's a little funny that he's carrying around water in a solo cup. "But I can tell he has the hots for you,"

You laugh this time. That's no surprise to you. "Well he's not so bad himself."

Seungmin narrows his eyes, shooting you a suspicious look.

"Of course you'd say that...." He taunts, "Heard you guys hung out...how was that by the way?"

"It was alright. Sort of just...happened. We bumped into each other and he offered to buy me dinner."

"And you...said yes?"

You give him a blank look, sarcasm dripping from your monotonous sentences, how else would you have spent time together?

"No, I didn't, Seungmin,"

The owner of the name rolls his eyes at your satirical comment, "No need to be mean, I'm just a little surprised is all."

"Surprised?"

You raise an eyebrow, Felix is still in your line of sight, it looks like he's stalling, waiting for your conversation to end so you could leave. He glances at you a few times and you quickly text him a 5 more minutes. "Why's that?"

"Cause every time you start to have feelings for someone, you take one step forward and ten steps back," he points out, "Think about it...you haven't been in like an....actual relationship after...well, you know," he postulates.

You glare at Seungmin, your pride somewhat injured.

"Hey! I've....dated."

"No....you slept around with people, that's not the same as dating." He retorts.

You snort.

Wouldn't you know.

Minho changes an upbeat pop song to something mellow. It's in a foreign language...maybe Spanish, you understand nothing but you don't have to to know it's a sad tune, the lyrics coming together in a melancholic harmony. Your eyes drift away, you feel your attention falter.

It was not unknown for you to have absolute control over your life, be it living your days by strict routine or building such a sturdy pretentious armour around yourself so that your organic self remained unscathed underneath. You had learnt the hard way that being yourself in front of other people would only bring you hurt...but if no one really knew you, no one could hurt you.

This game of hide and seek had become such a long standing practise in your life that it disconnected who you are from who you pretended to be. And every time the extent of your actual desires, monsters much beyond your control rose to the surface, they brought you shame, disgust.

You found those pretences withering away, the shell of protection around you falling apart whenever the thought of Felix crossed your mind. — his heavy noise of content against your neck, his fingers curling into your sheets, his open mouthed kiss against the arch of your hipbone, everything and anything...you had again, despite all your abrasions, become madly consumed by him.

And you must admit to yourself that you are becoming quite ridiculous because of it.

In this strange moment, you realise you almost need Felix to harp on about you even though you specifically asked him to keep all that you have a secret. You want his friends to come scurrying to you to start telling you that he cares so much he can't keep his mouth shut, to be so enamoured with you that his innermost feelings become painfully apparent, that it's utterly stupid of you to not see how he feels about you.

That's not how it goes though. Stuff like that only happens in movies.

Felix responds, texting, "Take all the time you need." Surprised, you steal a glimpse of him, but only when Seungmin isn't looking. You didn't know what you expected, something more crude, that would give away that he was jumping on the balls of his feet to only get into your pants, that would remind you that Felix is nothing but your fuck buddy. You find that you always look for reasons to resent him....because if you did, it meant that you didn't have to acknowledge how you're still in love with him.

You knew what you were in for. And hoping, wanting something more....is no more than wishful thinking.

Felix smiles at you, a genial smile, a simple curve along the corner of his lips which conveys patience, but also something deeper, like...understanding.

Again no matter how much you pushed him away he seemed to find his way back to you in some fashion, just to convey that your union is not all as black and white as you told yourself it was.

You down the entire drink in one swig. Seungmin makes a face at you, the kind he makes when you stick your fries in ice cream for shits and giggles,

"Well....we broke up a long time ago," You hiss at the awful taste stinging your throat, sounding slightly angry. You can't believe it matters still, but when you've been clutching onto something for too long, be it a painful emotion or a memory...you start to think it's the locus of your life, an integral part of you. It terrifies you to think who you'd become without it — vulnerable, malleable, sensitive.

You can't do that again.

The last few weeks, regardless of how good they were, didn't change a thing.

It couldn't. You wouldn't let it.

Seungmin is right, you think, you are taking ten steps back. Just not in the context he thought.

"There's no reason I shouldn't start now."

—

Turns out there is a reason.

Jisung asks you out the next day. He's so friendly that you feel overwhelmed. At all times of the day, he dresses like a frat boy out on his morning jog. A nike running shirt and loose fitted trousers, a baseball cap worn the other way around...it's a little silly.

You don't mind it, having the kind of apathy you would have towards someone you don't know very well.

Everything with him feels new, awkward. But also slightly exciting. He talks too much when he's nervous and you notice that he's almost always nervous because of your personality, as though he can't really put a finger on you and doesn't know what to do about it. Besides...he’s not a horrible kisser either, you muse, he just doesn’t know what you want.

Yet whenever you heard yourself thinking those compliments, you couldn't help but feel utterly guilty, a strangely deep seated feeling that you were doing something wrong.

Why did you feel this way....

Felix isn't your boyfriend anymore. You don't owe him any form of loyalty. You knew that. You're someone who sticks to their gut feelings and your gut had decided that something about seeing Jisung didn't feel right and not just because of Felix, but because you're not interested in a relationship just yet. And you're sure he could tell you aren't, he shouldn't quite expect a call back anytime soon.

"I had a nice time," you say, because it's true. He took you out for ice cream and bought you candy floss when you stared at it for too long.

When Jisung doesn't respond for a hot minute, you follow his trail of vision, which instead of focusing on you, has shifted to the semi-lit backdrop of your apartment. He's too obvious.

"Do...you want to come in?"

He flounders a little at your suggestion, embarrassed. "Would that be alright?....if I did...."

"That depends, are you gonna kill me?"

You say with a straight face. No matter much Jisung prodded at your exterior, you wouldn't budge, like you usually hadn't. Unravelling isn't really your thing so....he can't tell if you're kidding or not.

"No...?"

You snort, "Why do you sound so unsure?"

Jisung's face has grown impossibly red, he could feel his ears burning in indescribable shame. You just have this air about you that makes you incredibly hard to read and it's really attractive.

"I....I didn't..."

You keep your voice, steady, calm, "Relax," "I'm just screwing with you," you say, stepping aside for him to enter, "Make yourself at home."

—

You suppose you were born to study the arts.

You never could consider yourself a studious being. When you were in school, you remember falling behind in classes where the arduous process of revising was required, say mathematics or the sciences even.

Though that realisation hadn't come to you naturally.

Your parents wouldn't take kindly to you not taking up a "well paying" profession and you fell victim to the constant barrage of criticisms, of mockery which ultimately conditioned you to think some part of you, a large part just wasn't good enough.

And with Felix gone....

You were at your worst.

The two years you spent without him were the hardest, a set of years that obliged you to protect yourself from all the hurt around you, inside you. And while the security that you provided yourself is undoubtedly necessary for well...anyone, the process itself had its wicked way of rendering you unspeakably lonely.

You agreed to apply as an engineering major to gain your parents' approval and then transferred to the arts department by the time you'd successfully moved out. You haven't spoken to them ever since...and it hurt you more than you would deign to admit.

When your mum drops over for a surprise visit and chances upon your ex-boyfriend loitering about in your kitchen, fixing up midnight munchies, she takes a natural guess that you've gotten back together. (Which you think is far more agreeable than the truth. Knowing your mother, a staunch supporter of your relationship with him, she wouldn't take lightly to your arrangement.) And before you know it, you're all having dinner.

Felix makes an effort to dress up well, discarding his usual hoodies and joggers for a more formal look, you suspect it has something to do with the fact that you haven't attended any casual settings with him since you broke up.

Cutlery clinks against ceramic, coming down with a semi-loud thump as you try to swallow the enormous lump in your throat. Your mum makes a passing jab at you, saying how you had settled for a much "easier" major than say architecture or philosophy, she bitterly mentioned that everything worked out in the end. After all, your choice is a "much fitting" field of study for someone of your caliber, backhandedly insinuating that you're far too stupid to pursue anything else.

What inspires hilarity is how those insults still affected you. In front of Felix, you act like these few years have brought the fighter out in you and here you are trying to blink away the onslaught of tears prickling your vision. It feels like someone stripped you off your skin, off your flesh and picked out all your shortcomings for him to see.

You expect him to stay quiet, you expect him to think of you as the utterly shameful, selfish being you tell yourself you are,

But Felix's fingers find your shaky knuckles under the table where they rest on your knee, he implants the weight of them in a reassuring squeeze. "Well I think it's great," he says instead, smiling cheerfully at your mum. To which she, for the lack of support, sheepishly beams at him, "Not many people have the drive to do what they want to do. Or know what they want to do...take it from me, Missus [.....]" He laughs nonchalantly, the hairs on the back of your neck standing to attention upon hearing the lovely sound. You always liked his laugh, the sound rippling against your naked skin, thick baritone when he'd just woken up and a kiddish falsetto when he's extremely happy.

You wonder when you started paying so much attention.

Felix glances at you, lingering for a long minute."I bet it took a lot of guts."

You feel your chest constrict with a sudden surge of emotion from the mere look, you can't remember if the Felix you knew in the past, or anyone for that matter, had ever beamed at you with such pride.

You wonder what he'd think if he knew about Jisung, why you had neglected to tell him at all....you knew, because this little moment is precious to you and you had no reason to tarnish it. Not when you had time.

You tilt your head, using your free hand to hastily find the back of his neck, drawing closer to him with little strength. The more he realised what you're doing, the more excited he got. See he found your newly introduced public display of affection immensely attractive, though obviously embarassed by the sudden motion...

You can do crazy things sometimes. Really crazy things. In public and he has never opposed to such exhilarating things, be it in restrooms or even in a similar setting when you were dating, there was a certain thrill to it which drove him to the brink of insanity. Felix would silently implode your attention when you were alone and when you were out in the open, in whichever way he was to receive it, the way which insinuated you were his was the best of them all. All that was fine though...because it was just the two of you.

But now...in this indecent time, he wishes he could hear what you're thinking.

Had... had you gone completely mad?! Your mum is looking!

Your face is stoic, Felix's mouth parts, then you reach over and kiss him shamelessly.

Over the years, all the things that have caused you pain were things you had endured on your own, in his absence. This realisation alone invites a heavy conviction inside you.

Because you know it just as well as he does, no matter how sincere he is to you — you don't need Felix. Not really.

But you want him.

—

You do a stupid thing. A stupid endearing thing and Felix's heart beats like it would jump out of his mouth if he opened it.

It was meant to be a secret, what you two have, a matter of uncomplicated lust which didn't require the attention of anyone because it initially or so you put it, wasn't important enough.

Then you charge to him, he supposes it has a little to do with the person who was blatantly flirting him in the middle of Changbin's Halloween party, he doesn't care though.

You don't like embarrassing yourself, so he doesn't actually expect you to wear a black cat hairband matching his white ears and feline tail. Felix wants to think it means something, how despite the coos and the caas, the giant wave of surprise washing over your friends, you interlace your fingers within his and kiss his cheek.

He doesn't what that makes the two of you now... but he would give you all the time in the world to figure that out if it meant you could be his again.

—

You trace your fingers against outline of his face. Splatters of moist moonlight kissing the high rise of his cheeks, dusting along the long fringe of lashes which cast shadows along his skin, his freckles are like dots of bronze dispersed on his skin. He's beautiful like this.

"You're thinking too much," he says with his eyes closed, smiling a little. "Don't think so much."

You laugh. "Or what, huh?"

Felix cracks an eye open, his grin big, kiddish. "I was hoping you'd say that," he rubs the tip of his nose against your collarbone, he snuggles closer to your chest. What you hadn't expected was how he shifted his entire weight onto you, lying entirely atop you as though he were a starfish.

You couldn't stop laughing at the motion, it's so cheesy and gross...you love it.

—

Here's something you don't know — Jisung tells his friends everything, about making out with you and taking you out...everything. News travels fast. Faster than you anticipated. Despite wanting to divulge the matter, you were too taken by the recent shifts in your feelings to confess to your little interaction. You had told yourself again and again — a little later, just a little later and I’ll tell him.

It could be too late now.

The entire campus knew of your little rendezvous, shooting you curious looks... it's not until Minho comes up to verify the floating rumours do you all but sprint to Felix's place. You think of Chan's trusting eyes, of don't hurt him, of laughing in the intimacy of your bedroom and swiping your fingers down his spine like you were trying to commit the undulating design to memory.

You're not sure where it all began.

but you don't want it to end.

Felix doesn't answer your calls or your messages. When he buzzes you up, just from his gait, just from the resigned look in his eyes, you know he knows.

You watch as he listlessly leaves you to enter, walking before you without saying as much as a word.

You grab Felix’s elbow, making him stop in his tracks. He looks at your fingers wrapping around the muscle, shrugging you off easily. It’s just a small gesture but its impact is so large...that you feel your heart break into a million pieces.

You had never seen Felix being so quiet, even when he was down, he found a manner to radiate a form of optimistic energy which baffled you. You can’t believe how much you could have possibly hurt him. 

 “I can explain.” you gulp, “We went out on one date. It wasn’t because I liked him, I know it’s stupid and...I should’ve told you. I’m sorry, that's not an excuse, but you have to trust me when I say it didn’t...it doesn’t mean anything to me—”

“Did you sleep with him?”

With his back turned away, he still isn’t looking at you, speaking to you with a surprisingly stable tone.

“No.”

Felix takes a shuddering breath, one which expresses the small relief of knowing that Jisung hadn’t seen, touched you, felt you in the way that he only had, but there’s still so much more he wants to know. 

“Did he make you laugh?” 

It’s a silly question, he realises belatedly but he can’t help it. Some part of him, a large part, thinks he’d be more hurt if you made someone happy and they made you happy than if you fucked them.

You shake your head even though he can’t see you. “He didn’t.”

Your fingers again reach for his, wrapping your index into his thumb. You slowly move your hands to his middle, clutching him close to your chest, chin hooking into his shoulder, suddenly...you feel him melt into the embrace. Felix’s voice falters for the first time, small trembles against you. You’re willing to answer all his queries if it could put his mind at ease. You put your heart on hold for too long.

"Do you hate me...?" He sniffles.

You blink....did you?

Felix had changed, like you, he had matured, the past version of him you had so stubbornly ingrained in your endless inner monologue is not the one you grew all too familiar with...

Familiarity does breed contempt, does it not? Well you think the line between love and contempt is untraceable, melded together as a mysterious whole. After all those years, you were still angry, still filled to the brim with contempt for him and more importantly, yourself because you still love him much more than you'd like to admit. After all you've been through. After all this time. The need to love him ultimately encompassed every other emotion which posed itself as a hindrance.

So the opposite of love, the absence of love, you think, isn't hate, it's indifference. An emotion you never felt towards him.

Felix has wedged himself into every aspect of your life, tainted every portion of your routine in his presence and in his absence.

You don't think you'd have it another way.

"You broke my heart," you explain, "I was angry....but I could never hate you for the sake of hating you."

"I can't..." Felix whispers, twisting his body so he could look at you now, “I can’t promise you that it won’t be hard but I'm not—I’m not going anywhere...you know that right?”

You lean your forehead against his, his eyes shifting to your mouth, hands rising to wrap around your neck. You smile.

“I know.” you say, "Me neither."

“I love you...” He says in a small voice, putting his hand against your knuckles. “Do you love me?”

Your eyes soften, cupping his face like this — carefully collecting a lone tear with your thumb before it could touch his cheek. This time there is not a shred of hesitancy, no pause, no pondering before you say, 

“I never stopped.”

—

You enter in a blind rush of panic, thinking you might miss your ride, feet knocking together, elbows hitting elbows, bustling all around you and the sudden overwhelming stench of people hit you, it’s not an ideal setting, not at all actually. 

But you couldn’t bother to be displeased a second you spent with him. A teenager rolls her eyes at how disgustingly in love you are, elderly couples tutting under their breath...albeit, you don’t fail to notice their subtle smiles, small shake of their heads which attested to the fact that the joy you both radiate is.. absolutely infectious. You stumble with him behind, Felix is laughing breathlessly, bumping into your chest as the train suddenly starts moving, you place a finger on his cheek and he raises his chin to look at you.

“Did you eat?” he repeats, mocking himself, a dialogue from a time which seems an element of the distant past replaced by a love which compensated for every hitch in your relationship. You still argue, still disagree and still make up the same. Felix was right, it isn’t easy.

But when two people love each other as much as you do,

it’s worth trying. With every fibre of your being.

“No.”  You laugh, playing along, “But I could, with you.”

[webz4dayz]

clarissawagner​:

𝐂𝐥𝐚𝐫𝐚 - 𝐁𝐞𝐧𝐣𝐢

          Clara felt every muscle in her body tense as the presence of her sponsor drew nearer breaking the personal space bubble around her. Her breathing hitched, lungs momentarily forgetting their function. It wasn’t often that anyone dared to get so close to her demonic form. “Really? Could have fooled me with the sarcastic asshole act. Maybe you should be an actor and drop the whole hero thing.” A soft laugh escaped her parted lips a the notion that anyone in the rehabilitation program wanted to be there. It was very superhero of him. “Because it’s this or prison, and do I honestly look like I’m fit for prison? They would suppress my powers.” The last sentence ended in a whisper, speaking more to herself than to him by that point. “Tell me yours and I’ll tell you mine then.” She crossed his arms over her chest in a self soothing act. 

     Benji closed his eyes as he brainstormed how to respond. He knew it was a delicate matter and wanted to treat it as such to increase the chances of her opening up. “I wish I could give up my powers to someone that wanted them and take up acting instead. That would be a weight off my shoulders.” The man chuckled at how deep the words just felt coming off his lips. “I would love to have the freedom to do as I wish and be insignificant, but now that I have the powers I do, I don’t want to just waste them when I can do good.” Benji knew these words were very hero like but they were true. He didn’t want to waste the powers gifted at birth when they could do good for humanity.

     “I understand why you don’t want to be here and I don’t blame you. I think the concept of the rehabilitation program is a good one, but the execution is all wrong. I believe they should only have young children and people our age that want to change in the program. It’s essentially therapy for people our age. You can’t force someone into it, or it’s counterproductive. And to my point for the kids, if you want to implement good behavior, the best time is early on when they’re excited about school and making friends.” A big smile grew on Benji’s face as he paused and reminisced on childhood memories. It quickly faded though as the memories of losing his mother during those times came flooding in and a tear started to form. “You’re right, they would suppress your powers. I would only think of that as a compliment. Being strong is good, regardless of how you use it.” Benji knew the words were true but he still hated letting them leave his lips. They were letting the door wide open for her to just walk away unchanged.

     “As far as my life story, its pretty boring. My parents are Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson. My mom died while I was young.” Benji unintentionally paused and the tear started to run down his cheek. “With my dad being Spiderman, he wasn’t exactly around a lot or awake enough to do much when he was so I learned to do a lot on my own. Other than that, I didn’t really start getting any of my powers until my mid teens. Let me tell you, that was that a time of isolation at the start. I didn’t know what was going on, and I was to afraid to talk about it. Once my dad found out, that’s when he took me under his wing to learn about my powers. It was the most time I ever had with my dad, and they’re honestly some of my fondest memories. But anyways, after that, I finished out high school. I didn’t go to a normal college, so I spent some time working first before coming here. I wanted to fill my time with something useful so I did volunteer work. That about brings us to where we are now, other than my first few years. They were pretty uneventful though. Oh and I’ve never been in a relationship. Not that it matters but its usually a question that gets brought up so I wanted to just get ahead of it.” He blushed at the thought that he really just said this out loud to a woman. Benji couldn’t have been more embarrassed at the moment. It was at that time he finally noticed a tear had run down his cheek due to the cool line on his warm rosy cheeks. “Okay, I did my part. It’s your turn.”

[extasiswings]

Okay, I didn’t want to reblog this excellent post about Buck and his relationship to his body and physicality from @mistmarauder again to add more because it was already getting really long and I didn’t want to detract from that conversation BUT I wanted to highlight @from-nova​’s tags because the Abby piece of things is really interesting and important to me.  We meet Buck as this absolute disaster who sleeps with everything in a skirt, who pretty clearly uses sex as a substitute for the kind of connection he doesn’t seem to know how to have (tying into, Buck has a lot of sex and is good at it because maybe if he’s good enough then someone will want to stick around) and the first interesting thing is that Abby catches him at first in a moment where he’s starting to reconsider that.  

We see her pressured by Carla into asking him out and him turning her down because he’s trying to figure out how to get to something less fleeting, but then, by virtue of him turning her down, they end up becoming friends.  Over the phone.  Which removes the physical option and sort of forces them into a de facto state of emotional intimacy where he can’t default to his standard practices and has to grow.  Interesting point #2, the way he falls back on sex after they meet in person, almost like he doesn’t really trust that his emotional support and everything about their relationship to that point is good enough without it.  

And then we see the continued evolution of that, culminating in his conversation with Bobby about not feeling like he’s ready for that kind of real, adult relationship (which, I think has its own undercurrents of the real issue being not that he isn’t ready but that he doesn’t trust himself/doesn’t trust his own worth/doesn’t think he has value in anything beyond the physical), only for him to take the leap and try and commit...and for her to walk away instead of letting him support her at her lowest.  Which!  I don’t think is a bad thing, I think she was in a difficult situation and had been struggling for months already and genuinely did need to get away, but it unintentionally reinforced to Buck that his skewed perception of his worth was correct and that he wasn’t good enough to be relied on as an emotional support when push came to shove. 

Which is also why it’s so endlessly fascinating that Abby walks out of his life and Eddie walks in and Buck takes the first available opportunity to, in Bobby’s words, “step inside [the trap] with [him] and keep [him] company in there.” Because Buck, in a position of considering himself expendable, considering his emotional support to be of limited value, nonetheless shows up for Eddie the way that Abby wouldn’t let him at the end and continues showing up (we don’t need to talk about the lawsuit) and becomes this absolute rock in Eddie and Christopher’s lives.  And stil! Still! Doesn’t! Trust It! Until the hospital and the guardianship conversation and “you act like you’re expendable, but you’re wrong.”  Because he’s abruptly forced to recognize that Eddie sees him, all of him, as a whole person, that to Eddie the ways he has shown up for their family has always been meaningful and important, that to Eddie he has value beyond the physical and always has.  Meaningful relationships, indeed. 

[sholangagaga]

You said Foxy was kinda unintentionally flirty, so has it sometimes caught the other animatronics off guard? Also give us some angst headcanons too ples

It's definitely been rough for a few of them! He just has this. . .natural drawl to his voice. Maybe it's his programming, he has to sound sweet because it soothes children. But it works on everyone! It only really flusters Monty the most. He has no idea how to react!

We've gotten to the angst requests! Been a long time since I had to break out the angsty gloves buuuuut hcs under the cut!

Roxy still has her self esteem issues, however they stem from Foxy more so than anything else. She feels like she's always compared to him, and it tears her up inside.

Roxy has tried to stop wearing red since it reminds her of Foxy, but at the same time, she really likes the color because it reminds her of the good times

The good times being when Foxy mentored her. After all, her mother and functionality chip were based on his. So technically, that makes her his daughter in hardware

Chica is always smiling and cheerful, but she actually gets upset like anyone else. Especially when she does something wrong or messes up during a show. She just gets so frustrated and wants to cry, but never shows this to the other synthetics. The only know who knows is Bonnie, who can relate to her on a level no one else can.

Monty, hoh boy monty

He doesnt know WHAT'S wrong with him, but it makes his blood boil when the problems rear their ugly heads

He feels like everyone hates him for taking Bonnie's spot (even though Bonnie gave him the spot in this AU) and it wears on him every time he picks up the bass

Monty, like Foxy, was programmed with an accent (Monty's accent is Southern/Cajun) and he HATES it

It was fine back when he was only at the Golf Course, it fit in with the bayou aesthetic. But now that he's in the band? It's mortifying to think of someone hearing it

So Monty fakes a Northern accent, so much so that a lot of the synthetics actually don't recall if he ever had an accent to begin with

Monty issues lie so deep, but he refuses to get them fixed out of his programming. He has a jaded view of how rockstars should look and act, and he aims to stay in that image.

Monty isnt homophobic or anything of the sort, but he prefers to think that he only likes girls. However the amount of boys that get him flustered (Freddy, Bonnie, Foxy) outweigh the girl crushes (Roxy)

Monty channels this as disdain, jealousy, or even hate, because even thinking of admitting to something so embarrassing kills him inside. The only reason why he doesnt act that way to Roxy is because she's no pushover, and she can easily tell what he's doing.

Bonnie has fears about his relationship with Freddy, whether or not its superficial and in their programming, or whether its real feelings given form.

He worries that one day Freddy will "come to his senses" and move on. The thought depresses him

Freddy actually fears a lot of things, he fears losing his image of Fazbear Entertainment, he fears failing his friends, and most of all, he fears death or retrofitting. He's seen the endos. He knows that they could be a Freddy waiting to take his place. They make him uncomfortable, admittedly. Freddy doesn't even like looking at his own endo, just because of how badly it wigs him out

Freddy also gets extremely scared of undergoing maintenance while conscious. (Maintenance that doesn't involve any of the Chips doesnt require a synthetic to be "asleep")

Freddy will borderline beg to be put to sleep before any procedure, otherwise he just has a panic attack the entire time

To avoid injuries, the technicians always accept his request

[onmykneesforhotdilfs]

Oooh i'm gonna with #3 please! And Valtor as a bartender.

He truly loathed his job.

The disgusting smell of cheap drinks spilled on the bar mixed with the stench of sweat and cheap perfume, from grinding bodies on the dancefloor and humping barely-legals in the corner, made him nauseous. The music was loud to the point his heartbeat developed arrhythmia whenever a bass boosted song played through the obnoxious sound system. To make matters worse, one of the speakers was set directly above the bar and Valtor was sick of buying earplugs every week, because if he didn’t use any protection, he’s pretty sure he would go deaf before he hit 40 and he once again cursed himself for forgetting them at home.

A particularly high note came on, and the crowd cheered while Valtor cringed as he felt the microscopic hairs in his ears, sensitive to high notes, shrivel up and die. He rolled his eyes as he spotted a tall blonde dragging taller brunette towards the restroom. Apparently, couples basically dry humping each other on the dancefloor and sucking their faces off in the corners wasn’t enough, so universe also decided to throw in a couple about to commit an indecent act in a public bathroom?

He was just about to call one of the bouncers when it hit him – he doesn’t care. Oh well. What can you do?

A woman, wearing something Valtor could only describe as lingerie, came to the bar and ordered a fruity cocktail and for the umpteenth time, he wondered how his life turned into this? How did he go from graduating on a prestigious college, having a stable job and a fiancée, to wiping down spit from the counter top on a Saturday night.

He used to be a successful attorney, his yearly salary reaching up to five-zero figure, a stable relationships, loving girlfriend and more, and yet, all of that collapsed under the enormous weight couple of words held.

His hands worked on autopilot, mixing the necessary drinks while his thoughts were miles away.

Now, whatever’s left of his past life lives in a small condo across the town and Valtor chuckled at the irony of life giving him lemons while he chopped one to mix it into the cocktail. He squeezed the juice out of the poor fruit, with probably more force than was necessary, getting some of it on his shirt in the process.

“What are you chuckling about?” The woman was leaning over the counter, her chest basically spilling out of her dress as she played with the ends of her dark hair.

Valtor raised an eyebrow as he bent down to retrieve one of the decorative umbrellas. “Nothing that would be of interest to you.” He saw her flinch in surprise at the rather sharp tone he unintentionally used. “Miss.” He added as an afterthought, hoping it would make him look less abrasive. Unhappy customers don’t tip well after all.

“Oh. Well maybe it does interest me. You’ll never know unless you try.” The woman smiled flirtatiously while her fingers continued twirling the strands of her hair. “I’m Mitzi, by the way.” She offered her hand to him.

Valtor only quirked an unamused eyebrow. “I don’t remember asking for your name.” The smile was quick to disappear from her face and she snatched her hand back like it’s been burned.

He closed his eyes as his tongue, once again, proved to be faster than his brain. It’s what got him into trouble a lot of times and this one might’ve just taken a cake because if the girl went to complain to his boss, he’d be in a world of shit. “I was trying to be nice, but it seems to me you’re too much of an asshole to appreciate it.” Mitzi gritted out with obvious false confidence because a fierce blush was very much present on her face. This obviously didn’t happen to her a lot.

First time for everything, Valtor thought.

“What I would really appreciate, Mitzi,” Don’t do it, “is if you could stop your 36C's, that you stuffed into a 34B bra, from spilling all over my counter.” You absolute moron! “I have to wipe it.”

Now you’ve done it.

Mitzi turned even reader, and Valtor wondered if he should start dialing an ambulance just in case, but she only snatched the drink he placed in front of her and threw a 5$ bill in his face. “Jerk!” And just like that, she was gone.

“Have a nice evening!” Drop dead.

He rolled his eyes and took a glass that needed wiping just to occupy his hands for a minute because he felt like a coiled string, just about to snap and burn everything in its path.

“I have to say,” girl’s voice reached him, “you just fixed my evening.” Valtor lowered the glass to the solid surface and turned to face the owner.

His brain short circuited.

Though her body was mostly obstructed by the counter, he could see that the navy blue slip dress she wore draped beautifully across her slender figure. She was also incredibly short that even standing up straight, in what Valtor assumed were ridiculously high heels, she was at least head and a half shorten than him. But the most obvious, and striking thing about her, was her red hair. Valtor never even thought that hair could be as vibrant as hers.

In his almost 35 years of life, Valtor has never seen someone as interesting as the girl standing in front of him.

When he finally shook himself out of his stupor, and when it became painfully obvious he was making her uncomfortable with his gawking (really, there was no other word for it), he smiled and spoke. “Well, I’m pleased to hear that because it will undoubtedly ruin my life.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t worry about her reporting you.” She waved her hand dismissively. “Her ego is too big for her to accept she just got rejected.”

“You know her?”

There was something nostalgic in her smile. “I used to know her… or maybe I just thought I know her.”

Valtor observed the unusual girl in front of him. In his several years as a bartender and even before, he developed quite a knack for reading people. She seemed, to him at least, like one of those lost souls that recently had their world turned upside down but tried despite to appear normal. You and me both. “Would you like something to drink?”

Her head snapped up and her electric blue eyes met his. “Oh! Yes, um,” she fidgeted slightly, her hands wringing together and picking at her nails, “anything with vodka.”

He nodded and turned his back on her to find a bottle of the best vodka the club had to offer. He didn’t know why he suddenly paid so much attention to what he’s mixing into drinks but something pulled him towards this girl like gravity and he was too weak to resist it. “Straight?” He asked without turning around.

“Ummm, that’s a bit personal don’t you think? I mean, I just met you.” Valtor stopped what he was doing and turned his head so she could see the confused frown on his face. “I don’t even know your name. As far as I know you could be a serial killer.”

It downed on Valtor what she was talking about and he chuckled at her adorable rant. “I meant the Vodka.”

Her lips shaped into a silent “O" and he saw how her neck and face turned red from embarrassed. She moaned and buried her face into her hands. “Oh God, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay.” He picked the bottle and turned back around so he was facing her. He extended his unoccupied hand across the counter top. “I’m Valtor.”

She shook his hand, her hand incredibly small in his huge one, blush still present on her cheeks. “Bloom. And yes, straight vodka is fine.”

“I’ve only seen Russians drink vodka by itself.”

“I’m quarter Russian. My mom’s dad is from Russia.” Valtor nodded along as he fixed her a drink.

“Impressive.”

“it’s really not. It only made me the laughing stock of the entire class.” She took the glass filled with clear liquid, their fingers brushing together on accident, and Valtor felt a spark rushing up his nerve endings. “But, I can drink most people under the table so I guess I should be grateful.”

Humor was obviously one of the things she used to deflect the pain and trauma bullying inevitably caused. “Your hair is very… unusual. Natural?”

She nodded. “Yup. This is one of the things I inherited from grandpa.”

“Sorry if that made you uncomfortable, it wasn’t my intention.”

“No no, don’t worry.” Her lips wrapped around the edge of the glass as she took a sip and closed her eyes to savor the feeling of burning liquid sliding down her throat. “It’s actually one of the nicest things someone has said to me about my hair.”

Valtor looked at her with a small smirk on his face. “That bad, huh?”

“You don’t want to know.” Bloom tilted the glass and took a large swing of the drink, only a small amount remaining at the bottom. “What about you?”

Valtor shrugged. “What about me?”

“You have an unusual hair too.”

Indeed. His long strawberry blond hair was tied in a ponytail, but unlike herself, he loved his hair and didn’t particularly give a damn what anybody else thought about it. “I don’t really care about somebody else’s opinion and neither should you.”

“I’ve stopped that long time ago.” Valtor nodded towards her almost empty glass and she slid it towards him for a refill. “But you know, scars remain.”

He nodded. “That I do know.” Valtor saw another guy coming up to the bar so he excused himself. As soon as he moved away from her, the unpleasant sensations that accompany prolonged presence in a loud room came rushing back like a rogue train and Valtor felt the onsets of a headache forming. He served the guy and returned to Bloom who was now nursing her drink instead of knocking it back like the first time.

“So what’s a girl like you doing in a place like this?”

She quirked one eyebrow. “A girl like me?”

“Not to be rude, but this doesn’t seem like your cup of tea.”

She laughed. “It’s my friend’s birthday. She dragged me here against my will while promising she’ll stay with me the entire time. It took me turning around for her to vanish without a trace with her boyfriend.”

“That friend of yours,” he started, “wouldn’t happen to be a tall blonde dragging a brunette with her?”

“That’s her.”

Valtor made a face. “I don’t think you’ll be seeing a lot of her tonight.” His eyes slid to the direction of the restroom.

Bloom followed his gaze and she groaned when she saw where her friend went to. “Not this again.”

“Again? This happens a lot?”

“Unfortunately, it happens more than I would like to.” She rubbed her forehead.

“Right,” he drawled, “because who doesn’t like seeing their friends going at it.” Sarcasm was dripping from his words.

“How long have they been in there?” She asked while looking at her wrist watch.

“Fifteen minutes or so.”

“Damn animals. I’m never coming to the club with her again.”

An amused chuckle escaped him. “That’s not the first time you’ve said that, am I right?”

She smiled and took a sip of vodka. “Nope.”

Just as he opened his mouth to ask her another question, her blonde friend wrapped an arm around her shoulders. Valtor’s eyebrow did a backflip. How she managed to avoid detection while leaving the bathroom was beyond him.

“Damn Bloom, I leave you alone for five minutes and you’re already seducing hot bartenders!”

“Stella! First of all, I am not seducing anybody,” Maybe not intentionally, “secondly, it’s been almost twenty minutes and thirdly, what happened to your promise of not ditching me? And the moment I turn around, you’re already gone?”

Stella, if Valtor heeard correctly, giggled. “Oh live a little Bloom. Besides, it’s not like you were in a bad company.” Her eyes ran over Valtor’s form. “In fact, I wouldn’t mind taking a bite out of that.” She ogled Valtor like a piece of chocolate cake.

“I’m standing right here.”

“Okay, that’s enough for today! We’re going home.” Bloom grabbed her purse and was about to pull out her wallet when Valtor raised his arm to stop her.

“It’s on the house.”

“But Blooooom,” There was really no words to describe the sound that exited blonde’s mouth, “we just got here.”

“The fact that you're talking about having a threesome with a stranger says enough about your state.”

“I’m pretty sure Brandon wouldn’t mind.”

“Okay, time out. Let’s go.” She turned towards Valtor, a small card between her fingers. She leaned over the counter while one of her arms stayed behind, supporting her friend. “Thank you.” She slipped the card into his hand. “Call me if you wanna talk sometimes.” And with that, she spun on her heel and dragged Stella towards the exit.

Valtor stood in shock, not knowing how to react for a few minutes, staring at the business card in his hands.

Bloom Peters MD.

He shook his head, hand safely pocketing the precious cargo before he picked up the glass she’s been drinking from and turning around to wash it. The sound of retching caused him to turn around in time to see some wasted man empty the content of his stomach on an obnoxious red carpet. The stench of vomit mixed with other delightful aromas and Valtor was once again reminded how much he hated his job.

[raviposting]

Okay so I’ve seen a lot of conflicting responses to Buddie this episode, from it being clear to people that they’re getting together, to thinking the writers have unintentionally messed things up to thinking it’s purely queerbait.

And I get the different responses, I do - tbh I’m somehow in two camps, where I simultaneously believe it’s a slowburn but I also think it’s bait. And those are two very different opinions to have and it got me thinking about why we have these different responses as fans to the possibility of a queer ship (namely two men who would presumably be bi/pan) being canon. 

While people talk about how it’s just people wanting two characters to kiss or entitled fans - sure, that’s existent in every fandom, but I think there’s also a very real fear from queer fans who don’t want to get their hopes up and I d on’t love how the conversation has shifted to calling queer fans stupid for having hope, so I kind of wanted to break it down into 3 aspects that I’ve noticed: 

How writers portray bi characters and why that makes fans hesitant to have hope

What queerbait actually means as a concept

How much “slowburn” has changed in procedurals

1. How writers portray bi characters

Something I’ve thought about a lot are the bi characters I’ve seen on TV - Darryl (CEG), Sara Lance (Arrow), Lucifer (Lucifer), just to name a few. These are great characters imo and I think you’d have a fun time watching but a thing to note is that all these characters were established as bi within the first season of their respective shows and they all fairly quickly fell into a clear romantic ship as well (with the exception of Sara as she spanned multiple shows). It may have taken time for them to say the word bisexual, but it was still clear these characters were queer fairly quickly on. You could maybe argue that Lucifer was a slowburn, but then (while it does not take away from him being bi/pan so do not use this as an excuse to be shitty about him) it’s a m/f ship which is still not the point of my post, to find a m/m or f/f ship that has that same treatment.

Some writers have done it - like for Valencia in CEG, or Petra in JTV - when they saw that fans read them this way, but trying to find those characters were few and far between, and when I looked at popular queerbait ships (whether or not they actually are queerbait) it’s usually ships where the characters are largely viewed as bisexual. A lot of times this also comes with pushback from both straight and to be frank, other queer fans as well. Straight fans don’t always see the signs that queer fans do, so to them a queer character who hasn’t been explicitly clear from the start comes out of nowhere. And what I’ve seen from certain queer fans are concerns that people aren’t appreciating the canon queer characters in a show - and I think there is a conversation to be had about that, but I don’t think the response should also be about then demanding less representation for people either. 

If we go back to 911, people talk a lot about how it has canon queer characters, which it definitely does - Michael, Hen, Josh, Karen, and David are all canonically gay/lesbian and that’s awesome, and we absolutely should talk about fans (white fans in particular) ignoring these characters. It also does not change the fact that none of these characters are bisexual and that is the representation people are looking for. Both of these things are true - these characters are often under appreciated in canon AND people deserve bisexual representation. They don’t contradict each other and to act like one negates the other does a huge disservice.

And even if a character was made bisexual in the canon text we don’t get that slowburn. This may be true for things like Leverage, or LOK, but there’s also a real fact of censorship that affected these shows and the fact that general audiences may not understand the queer text tjat the writers intended. It doesn’t make the writing any less wonderful or the ships any less poignant or beautiful or important, and there’s ofc shows like She Ra that made this more obvious (or the.....mess that was Supernatural that made it. Half true?) but these are still real things that should be acknowledged on why people are so hesitant to call it slowburn - because it’s something most queer fans haven’t SEEN DONE, because m/f ships will get that care for slowburn when it’s done but it’s not done for m/m or f/f ships in that same capacity.

2. What queerbait is

This one’s fun because I don’t think many people understand what it is, but queerbait is very dependent on the intentions of the writers/creators/etc. - which tbh can be hard to gauge, because a genuine intention that ended up not happening or someone baiting fans or someone trying to support all ships and not be rude all have very different intentions but to a fan who only sees bits and pieces of this person on social media, it can be hard to gauge.

Honestly with how much the 4th wall gets broken because of social media now I’d personally say we’ve probably moved into a different definition of queerbait - unintentional vs intentional - because we’re at a point where a show knows what ships are popular and at what level of excitement fans are for it - but that being said, there’s still a clear spectrum of intent. And imo? I don’t think 911 has that intent of queerbait - whether it’s a slowburn or they have a different vision for buddie that I (probably) won’t agree with remains to be seen, but this show usually treats its storylines with care. Are they perfect at it? No, definitely not, I definitely think that they’ve dropped the ball a few times (especially with just how many characters they have lmao), but they also clearly do their storylines with earnest and with genuine care for these characters.

Is 911 getting them together? I want to say yes. I don’t think this was always the plan, just something that they decided along the way, but I also don’t think that changes anything about the ship. A lot of people point to Tim Minear being vague about the ship, or the actors and their interpretations, but 1. We have no idea what they’ve been told about Buddie moving forward and 2. No show runner is going to spoil their show that much. 911 may be keeping quiet because they have a different plan for buddie, sure, but also maybe because they’re still figuring out how exactly they want to do this and/or they want to make this slowburn and don’t want to give it away.

3. Slowburn in procedurals

I feel like this is something that procedurals have started shying away from, but slowburns used to be very common - Bones, Castle, their ships didn’t get together for literal years, but that’s just not something that many shows do nowadays, even for m/f ships. Even things like Deckerstar will have the characters get together after ~3 seasons and explore the relationship onwards, whereas a few years ago, y ou’d pr obably be watching a sh ow and it’d take them 7 seasons to get together. My assumption for this is that shows are afraid  of getting canceled, but there’s been a pretty big shift in getting a couple together after say, 6 seasons to now getting them together about halfway through the show. I don’t think either one is bad or good - in good writers’ hands, either can be amazing - but that shift has made it so that a lot of younger fans in particular, I think, don’t fully recognize slowburn when they see it.

911 as a show tends to run pretty fast - it kind of has to with its depth of characters they have - but when they do have slower running storylines they really do make use of that as well. Bobby’s addiction is something that’s always going to be present in his character, May’s suicide attempt was brought up again front and center after 3 seasons, even Chim’s dynamic with the Lees was brought up again and it was reinforced again that they’re his family. There are certain storylines that have to be continuous and aren’t a one and done type of thing, and that includes Buck and Eddie, especially if you want to establish them as queer to a general audience who doesn’t think about these things.

And honestly, despite my fears, I think they are laying groundwork there. We have Buck learning to be more confident in his relationships, we have Eddie ready to date and learning to follow his own heart, we have Buck and Eddie both establishing that Buck is family and will always be there for Christopher. These are pretty big steps to do for a ship and we’ll obviously have to see how the show goes forward but they’ve already insinuated Eddie and Ana are breaking up, I’m sure Taylor and Buck may last a season and be over, but we do have to see what this next season brings. Do I think they’d say this? No, definitely not.

tl;dr: 

911 is a show with good viewership, but there’s always a possibility they can’t continue with their season and then their promises would feel like a lie. Or they may still be hammering out the details as this season hasn’t been written. Or they may just simply not want to spoil their show,  or they don’t want people criticizing a story before it’s finished, all of these could be reasons. The showrunners, writers, actors, ultimately they owe nothing to us as a fandom to potentially spoil their series, or do something, change it or their schedule for it, and get accused of bait. 

But it also doesn’t change why fans are wary of this storyline either, and I wish people would have more nuance and compassion for fans who are worried about queerbait (whether they think it’s not queerbait and dislike people worrying about it or if they do and are calling people idiots for believing it). There’s a lot of reasons why fans are wary and don’t want to have hope, and it’s not necessarily about 911 specifically as it is a pattern of writing seen in other pieces that have fans worried. These things can all coexist and I wish we as fandom in general could acknowledge that, because pretending that they don’t and criticizing each other/people’s intentions or knowledge when they have certain expectations also doesn’t do much to help.

[onlydreamofmysoul]

Gingerbread (Ficmas #1)

Here we go!!! Ficmas day one! Super excited about this - I’ve never done ficmas before! As promised... a little sweet competition!

Characters and their world by @lumosinlove “Is everyone ready?” Celeste asked, standing around her kitchen, looking at the room nearly overflowing with hockey players and their loved ones. “Leo and I are the judges. The rules are simple, you all have to build a gingerbread house, everything you need is right in front of you. The best looking one wins, okay?” 

Remus grinned and nodded, nudging Sirius excitedly. They had everything - including the gingerbread premade by Celeste herself, so even if it looked like a disaster it was sure to taste amazing. Not that theirs would look anything less than fantastic.

On second thought, maybe a group of highly competitive athletes working against each other instead of with each other was a bad idea.

“Okay guys!” Leo called as he hopped up to sit on the counter and oversee the proceedings. “You have one hour. Your time starts.... Now!”

Remus grinned at Sirius, and then they set to work.

Logan knew watching Leo be all authoritative as a judge while he just had to watch would be hard. He didn’t know it would be torture. He was teamed with Adele and Katie, but Adele had to keep hitting his arm to get his attention.

“Logan,” She warned. “I want to win. Now are you gonna focus or not?”

Logan shook his head. Leo could wait. He had a competition to win. “Oui, sorry yes I’m good now.”

Adele nodded, apparently satisfied and Katie drew their attention back to her when she started bouncing in her seat. 

“Allez!” She said, her eyes wide, “Tremzy come on I wanna get to the part where I can eat it.”

Logan chuckled but obliged her, obediently holding pieces of gingerbread in place at the girls’ command as the icing dried.

“Okay, no pressure or anything, but your name’s Noelle so I’m expecting you to dominate this Christmas thing.” Thomas said, only partially jokingly as Noelle carefully piped the outline of their ‘windows’. 

“Um, excuse you Thomas Walker,” She replied, “What does it look like I’m doing?”

“Okay, but hear me out,” Thomas started as he picked up a piece of gingerbread, and started piping green spikes on it. “We should have pine trees in front of it.”

Noelle looked at him like he was losing his mind. “Babe, it’s a gingerbread house.” She said slowly as if it were a foreign concept.

“I know!” Thomas said, excitedly waving his hands and as he did, his pine tree went flying through the air and landed in Kasey’s hair. 

Kasey turned around very slowly and looked around menacingly, reaching up and pulling the biscuit out of his hair, leaving green splotches and crumbs in its wake.

“Who?” He ground out, and Thomas looked around with a shocked expression. “I have no idea! Noelle? Did you see anything?”

Noelle bit down her laugh and shook her head. “Non. Maybe it was one of the kids?” She said, looking over at Logan’s table to where Katie had more icing on her than the house. Kasey followed her and his vision softened. He nodded once and turned back around, Thomas made another tree and held it up to Noelle.

“They’ll never see it coming.” He said, finally finishing his statement. Noelle rolled her eyes, but in the end, there were a ton of palm trees in their ‘garden’. 

Finn was with Pascal and Marc, all of them particularly competitive and set on winning except there was one little problem… None of them had ever actually made a gingerbread house before.

“I think it goes like this?” Marc said, tilting his head as he stuck two pieces together, the icing going everywhere. He let go and they all held their breath while the biscuits stood for about ten seconds before collapsing so slowly it was actually a little sad. 

“I say we give up and just eat everything.” Finn proposed. Marc nodded, Dumo looked like he was going to put up a fight, but one glance at their gingerbread wreckage had his shoulders slumping. He reached out and broke off a bit of biscuit, popping it into his mouth with a grin.

“At least it tastes good?”

“But we didn’t make-” Marc began.

“Shh.” Finn cut him off with a playful wink. “At least it tastes good.”

Kasey’s hair was green and that had been a problem but then Alex promised he’d wash it out himself later that night and well, those words along with the little wink Natalie sent him had Kasey pretty okay with the whole situation. He sat there, smiling softly as he listened to Alex and Natalie chat away while Kasey did all the actual work, creating quite a nice gingerbread house, thank you very much.

Kasey grew up with his dad baking every Sunday and he’d always help. He wasn’t ashamed to say he was quite handy with a piping bag, and Alex was watching with wide eyes as Kasey piped ‘snow’ on the roof.

“How-” Alex stuttered, his eyes focused on Kasey’s hand.

Natalie bit down her smile. “He likes to keep people guessing.”

“I… I’m not complaining.”

“Like what you see O’Hara?” Kasey asked, unable to stop himself from teasing the other man. Alex was as prone to flushing a deep red as his brother, but Kasey found Alex looked a lot boyish when it happened to him.

“I definitely like what I’m seeing.” Alex replied, before cheekily dipping his finger in the icing and smirking at Kasey as he ate it. 

Natalie laughed at them both as she leaned in and kissed the sugar dusting Alex’s lips. Kasey raised an eyebrow, but kept looking at what he was doing, until Alex was standing next to him.

“Open up.” Alex prompted, holding his icing coated finger up to Kasey’s lips. Kasey made eye contact with Natalie for a split second, before doing as instructed, smiling into the kiss Alex gave him after.

“Chocolate was always my favourite.” Alex said with a sigh as he sat back down, Natalie placing her feet in his lap as she shamelessly ate the sweets they needed to decorate. Kasey glanced up to see Leo already looking at him.

“Redheads.” Leo mouthed with a shrug, “Gotta love em.”

Leo had to admit, sitting back and watching the world devolve into chaos was quite entertaining. He could still taste the gingerbread Finn had given him, their house looking more like it had been hit by a hurricane instead of like someone had actually tried to, you know, build it. Logan’s little team was doing a whole lot better, it was looking a little messy but Katie was doing a lot of the icing and well, there’s only so neat kids can be, try as they might. 

Leo’s heart melted as it always did when he would watch Logan with Dumo’s kids. He was just so good with them and they adored him in turn. One of the spare bedrooms in their apartment had been the designated spot for where they would keep presents until they were able to give them out, and Leo was fairly sure half of the room’s contents were just Logan’s presents for the little Dumais’.

“Are rookies even allowed to be judges?” Thomas queried as Leo passed and Leo had fun getting to act all haughty. Thomas looked particularly suspicious and Leo didn’t miss the correlation between the green icing he sported and the little patch of colour in Kasey’s hair. Leo filed that little bit of information away for a day he could really use it.

“Do you think it’s a good idea to get on a judge's bad side, Talkie?”

“Hey, you love me!” Thomas protested and Noelle shook her head. 

“No, but he loves me.” She said looking at Leo and winking. “You’ve got to stay on the good side of your future in-laws.”

Leo felt himself flush even as Logan twisted in his seat to look at them. “Tricheuse!” Logan cried. “Leo baby don’t listen to her, she just wants to win.” He stuck out his tongue at Noelle.

Leo abandoned Noelle and Thomas to crouch next to Logan, smirking. “Am I not marriage material Tremblay?”

Another time, earlier in their relationship maybe, Logan would have scrambled to reassure Leo, probably tripping over his own words so many times nothing actually coherent came out. Now though, Logan just smiled at him lazily.

“The most. I just mean she loves you either way, I think there’s literally nothing you could do that would make her not like you.”

Leo kissed him on the cheek before laughing as Katie wrapped her arms around him. 

“Salut Katie!” He said, standing up to throw her in the air, Katie shrieking with laughter before Leo set her back down on her chair. Leo stood up and began to move away, but not before he missed Katie unintentionally chirping Logan, “Leo throws me high.” She said in a serious tone as Leo snorted his laughter, shaking his head as he moved away.

Regulus hadn’t been sure about building a gingerbread house with Nado and Kuny - he didn't really know them and as a general rule, he didn’t like to spend too much time with people he didn’t know. But Dima got on with them really well and Dima was his friend so here Regulus was, building a gingerbread house in Pascal Dumais’ house. Two snakes in a lion's den.

“Are you sure that will hold?” Regulus found himself asking sceptically as Kuny attempted to build a several story building. Gingerbread house - more like gingerbread mansion if Kuny had his way.

Nado answered instead just nodding his head. “Of course.”

“Fair enough.” Regulus conceded, happy to sit back and watch the proceedings. He glanced around the room, still not quite sure where he fit into this chaotic little familial like team, but happy to be here all the same. More than happy to see nothing but pure joy on his brother’s face. Hope because maybe Regulus could find that kind of happiness here too.

“D’accord!” Celeste called, clapping her hands. “Okay everyone step away from your tables, your time is up!”

The team piled into the sitting room as Celeste and Leo judged all the gingerbread houses. Sirius and James sat on the floor, with Harry playing happily with them. Remus and Lily sat snugly on the couch above them, both nursing mugs of tea and heads bent together as they caught each other up on the events of the last couple of weeks. 

Finn and Logan were having an arm wrestling competition in the corner and most of the others piled around to watch them, all yelling for someone. Logan won, Finn hanging his head in shame and then they were both immediately challenged by the rest of the team, Logan battling (and losing quite dramatically) to Katie. 

Leo and Celeste came back into the room, looking quite smug as they held up a cardboard trophy.

“We have the winner,” Leo said to get everyone’s attention and the sudden hush that fell upon the room was quite comical. 

“Drumroll!” Thomas cried and the room was filled with the rapid thuds of everyone slapping their hands against the nearest object.

“And the winner is…” Celeste drew out, “Katie, Adele and Logan!”

The trio jumped up, hugging and high fiving. 

Logan stood up on a chair and pressed his hands against his chest in gratitude. 

“Thank you, thank you,” He joked, wiping away a fake tear. “We’ve been dreaming about this for, mon dieu, I don’t know how long.”

“You weren’t this dramatic when you won MVP!” Sirius called from the back of the room and Logan winked at him before continuing. “I think Adele had the idea that secured our win though, Adele?”

The girl dashed to the kitchen and came back with their little gingerbread house, the outside entirely lined by little gingerbread people. 

“We made the team!” Katie said, bouncing on her toes. There was a rush as everyone came over to have a look and before long, everyone was grabbing their figurine and eating them.

“Goodbye little Thomas.” Talkie said mournfully before biting its head off.

“Hey, maybe now I can give myself head.” Leo muttered to Finn, who promptly choked, spitting crumbs everywhere as he flushed a deep red.  

Remus leaned back into Sirius as they munched on their biscuits. 

“This is fun. We should do it again next year.”

Sirius wiped the crumbs from his lip and tightened his hold on Remus’ waist. “And the year after that, and they year after that, and the ye-”

Remus giggled, twisting in Sirius’ arms to shut him up by kissing him. “Yeah, baby. I’d like that.”

[work-of-waking-up]

In Defense of the Psychopath

Alright, wanna venture into my crazy ass brain? I’m going to start by saying one thing that will set the tone for everything else that follows: Villanelle is not a psychopath in the way that we currently understand them. Why am I even bothering to write about a fictional character, you ask? Because representation is important. Media portrayal of various mental and behavioral health topics (including ones that people might not think need to be discussed) is important and this show has a big audience. I also just want to contribute to the conversations that are taking place because I am seeing A LOT of them and the reason for that I believe boils down to the fact that Jodie makes Villanelle so relatable and people want to know what that means and looks like for them. Even those who felt they could relate to Sandra’s Eve, or the relationship between the two, maybe questioned what that meant the further they went down the path with them. “It’s probably a bad thing I relate to a psychopath, right? But she can’t be a psychopath because she cries and she feels things! Psychopaths don’t cry, which means she isn’t realistic so therefore it’s okay that I relate to her! Right? Or are my assumptions about psychopaths and people with antisocial personality disorder wrong? I relate to Eve but look what she is underneath it all...so does that mean I relate to that part of her too?” Not only is villanelles character relatable, but people see the freedom inherent within her, the freedom that Eve sees, and they realize that, at least on some level, they want it too. The show has (unintentionally I think) created a massive dialogue which is super cool and you can tell everyone involved on the show is aware of that now, I mean they have a consulting psychiatrist so I think that speaks for itself. This is less of a commentary on the character herself and whether or not she is a genuine psychopath, and more so a commentary on the conversations she has inspired and why... For the record, this is literally just my opinion sprinkled with a few facts, nothing else.

So, the term psychopath gets thrown around in the show, more so in the beginning, MI6 explicitly labels Villanelle this way, even going so far as to use her in a presentation about psychopaths, although I think that was more so to gauge Eve’s response than anything else. The reality of Villanelle, which we come to learn, is that nobody has been able to get close enough to really know the truth. Anna and Konstantin both got close but we never hear either of them use that word (Konstantin says it once but he clearly doesn’t mean it, it was more of an attempted manipulation tactic). They make it clear that she has, and can, and WILL cause damage, but that’s as far as they go. Eve is getting close and she tells Villanelle when they first meet that she knows Villanelle is a psychopath but it’s obvious from Eve's behavior and things she says later on that she truly doesn’t believe Villanelle is what everyone says she is. It’s easier to label her as a psychopath because that alienates and isolates her and her behavior completely. She is an outlier with behavioral anomalies and therefore it isn’t necessary to look any closer. For MI6 and others (not talking about the shows creators) to label Villanelle as a psychopath is easy, it’s lazy, it’s reductive, it serves a single purpose... a means to an end. They (anyone other than Eve basically) simply do not care about Villanelle’s truth. But as an audience we are lucky enough to see more of her with each episode. The psychopath label begins to fade and Oksana is what’s left. We know based on what she has said that she is aware that people think she is a psychopath, a monster, a person built to kill. It’s not always easy to decide that who you are is different from who you’ve always been told you are, especially given her history. Villanelle hasn’t told us yet if she thinks (or knows) that she is a psychopath, but it’s clear towards the end of last season that she no longer wants to be the person that they (meaning the twelve, Dasha, Konstantin, etc.) created. We see moments where she clearly has no remorse and clearly enjoys what she does, but then we have little moments sprinkled in between where she very obviously struggles, even if its short lived. And those moments are important. We have the moment where she struggles with the choice to shoot Konstantin, saying he is a good person, she thinks. This comes shortly after a conversation she had where Irina tells Villanelle she thinks she is a good person because she is sad, so we know she is thinking about it, we know the awareness is there, and it becomes more and more there as times goes on. I like to think of it in terms of having moments that are pure Villanelle (ie the way she killed Inga in the Russian prison), and then we have moments that are Oksana, vulnerable and emotional. Villanelle is a creation and a mask whereas oksana is the truth. Those moments are starting to really mean something. I'm not even going to start with her trip to find her family, that’s its own thing, but it's a Really Big Thing.

So. Villanelle is not a psychopath in the way that we currently understand and perceive them. Yes, she displays psychopathic traits, and yes, she absolutely has antisocial personality disorder. I read an article where the psychiatric consultant for the show (makes it pretty obvious how hard they worked to make Villanelle as realistic as possible) said that the Villanelle in Luke Jenning’s books scored a 32 on Hare’s psychiatric checklist, but I like to think (and I think a lot of people would agree) that number is a bit high, at least for Jodie’s Villanelle, maybe not even hitting 30 at all (close though, let’s be real lol). The max score is 40 which would be a fully blown primary psychopath. For reference, Ted Bundy scored 39. This checklist is flawed though, mostly created and based off the prison population. Which is why it isn’t used as a proper diagnostic tool. 32 is apparently extraordinarily high for a female (think Aileen Wuornos), which brings me to my next point which is that because it’s hard to measure a lot of the classic traits objectively, there is not a ton of solid data surrounding psychopathy, and even less of it is on female psychopaths. Like most things in life, psychopathy exists on a spectrum, there are levels and layers. It’s not black and white, there’s no definitive test (psychopathy isn’t even in the DSM-5 because as I said earlier it’s extremely hard to measure objectively) and it's important to distinguish between someone who exhibits psychopathic traits and someone who is actually an identifiable psychopath. Chances are high that someone you know displays at least one characteristic shared with psychopaths and this doesn’t make them one.

I think what’s important about this is that mental disorders (mental illness/personality disorders/etc.) of any kind are much more nuanced than a lot of people tend to think they are. That they exist less in black and white and more in shades of grey. Jodie Comer is absolutely remarkable for showcasing that through portraying the different layers of Villanelle. Her performance is a literal gift. We cannot keep thinking and acting like we know everything about how a person thinks, feels, and behaves based strictly and entirely on one label. The thing that has stuck out to me the most, the reason I decided to even write this bullshit babble, is that one of the most searched topics about the show is whether or not it’s realistic that Villanelle cries, and honestly how sad is that? That makes me sad for V. Is it more realistic for her to develop connections and cognitive empathy if she was made into a psychopath vs if she was born that way? Is there a legitimate difference between the two? And how do we even decide which one is applicable for someone? It’s important to add that antisocial personality disorder is not the same thing as psychopathy or sociopathy. You can have aspd and not be a psychopath. Research has shown that about only a third of those diagnosed with aspd would meet criteria to be considered a psychopath. Society is not doing a great job at getting people to understand this. But to be fair, understanding personality disorders specifically has been somewhat problematic, a lot of diagnostic confusion and overlap between disorders. A LOT of work needs to be done. But as far as portrayals go, society has strictly chosen to go the route of giving us psychopathic characters and having them be inherently violent, incapable of remorse, feelings, or change. Poverty of all emotions. Subhuman. They are made out to be so abnormal and unrelatable to the point where the character of Villanelle has sparked so much debate and fascination simply because she exists in a way that actually IS relatable...and layered and beautiful and thrilling. We thought she would be the bad guy and yet we root for her at every turn, we cry for her, we want good things for her! We see her darkness and without question or hesitation we forgive it. She makes us question what we’ve previously been shown. Questioning whether or not it’s realistic that she acts the way she does is less important than questioning our own personal assumptions and beliefs and where those come from. I think that’s awesome. Villanelle is truly a gift. She is hands down one of the most well written fictional characters, which is saying a lot considering when you put something, or someone, in a box it doesn’t leave tons of room for expansion. and I honestly don’t even really need to say this, but.. Jodie Comer.