#and/or evil. but honestly i have met management and i think they are mostly stupid.

[junonreactor]

my workplace: guys you need to start coming into the office again. where's the human connection :( the community :(

also my workplace: covid cases every 2 weeks because no one is masking

[larnax]

finally managed to rewrite a version of thronés story i actually like

first we have to decide what thronés story is like. about. on a material “what happens in the story” level and then on the thematic level of why those things happen. right now i think thronés story is probably supposed to be about getting freedom and something something family abuse but what actually happens is throné trying to get this weird collar off which she does by performing a very convoluted paternity test she didnt even know she needed to do until halfway through the story and its About how fucked up it would be if this one weird horny guy had too many kids that he was evil to. that sucks ass so we’re gonna change it. im fine with the “what happens” being throné trying to get her collar off, i actually think it works pretty well as a way to symbolize her being trapped in the blacksnakes and you can do a lot of interesting things with the degree to which her metaphorical collar even can come off the way a physical collar can, so thats what the story is actually gonna be About. the focus of the story should be on the conflict between thronés desire for freedom and a Normal Life and the fact that shes never Had that and the life shes had instead is extremely difficult to get out of

the single biggest problem with thronés story is that i cant emphasize this enough at the finale it suddenly nosedives into her being told about her biological family history and then needing to go on a quest to find this one random fucking dude who she has never met before and who is so blatantly evil he might as well just be a generic villain and then she has to kill him and then the story immediately ends. its not ‘bittersweet’ because im still feeling whiplash from a completely different story busting in at the last minute and the story claude is from is so morally simple(should this evil immortal rapist be killed? yeah, probably???) that it literally cant be bittersweet because it was definitely good that he died and throné has no reason to care about him

i understand that ot2 wants to have the character’s stories all tie into the postgame(except agnea lol) and honestly i dont even hate the idea of taking the theme of grooming her story has and giving that exaggerated form in this immortal organization but for the love of fucking god the leader needs to actually be a part of the story before the eleventh hour and it makes me insane that hes not because its so so so fucking obvious: Father. you know, Father? that guy who was introduced in chapter one and who throné actually has an established relationship with and who has actually been the one grooming her for her entire life before the story? why the fuck is the climax of his death preceded by a confusing and boring account of his relationship with thronés biological mother who she never knew who cheated on him with a complete stranger all of which happened before throné was born and that she did not know about until just now and is mostly irrelevant because it doesnt change her relationship with him at all because she just kills him. what is going on where am i.

so the first thing i would do in a rewrite of thronés story is remove the question of who thronés biological family is entirely. it doesnt matter and in fact actively makes the story weaker. what matters to throné and ideally the player is the people who raised throné who she considers her family and who she actually has a relationship with. even though Father is now an immortal who created the blacksnakes hes not biologically related to the children because thats stupid im sorry its just dumb.

he created a gang of children the normal way by taking in poor children who don’t have anywhere else to go and don’t have anyone to miss them with the promise of a place in the world and food/board with the caveat that they work for the parents Forever. this also means that some of the blacksnakes believe theyre in the organization by choice, or that this is the best option for them(will be relevant for mira), and are willing to accept the treatment not just because of the collars but because of the metaphorical collar of poverty. none of this even needs to be outright said & in fact i would significantly prefer that it exists almost entirely in the inquire/etc options for npc blacksnakes and the player is allowed to simply pick this up through characters who act as if its true. throné specifically will have joined the blacksnakes because she was drawn in by the idea of having a family and a place in the world as a kid who was starving to death in the streets of fucking uhh idk i play in spanish whatever Sotoburgo is. this does not need to be established in a flashback, it can be established entirely through simple mentions about how the blacksnakes saved her life and then the player can just recognize what’s going on.

Mother still exists and is still the primary antagonist of chap 1-2 while Father exists sort of in the background, but she needs to have the simplistic evil turned down just a tiny bit. as it is the blacksnakes’ familial structure feels really shallow because Mother is all vinegar no honey. the mafia boss who is very rewarding and affectionate with well-performing underlings and simultaneously cruel with under-performing underlings is both another character who can just exist and the player will like Get It almost instantly, but is also much closer to how a lot of abusive mothers work. oh also uhhh im. replacing pirro with mira entirely. sorry pirro but mira is the second most interesting character in the story and i want to give her more screentime. mira is Mother’s golden child, shes younger than throné and kind of bad at her job but Mother insists on sending her on jobs with throné anyway and blames her if things go wrong, so when the diamante job goes sideways and one of their crew dies and also they fail to recover the objective Mother does the whole whipping her in front of everyone thing and then demands that she go and singlehandedly complete the mission, which Mother clearly considers to be a suicide mission to do solo right after a failed attempt when the place will be crawling with guards, but throné has no choice to accept it because, you know. collar. so throné goes and tries to stealthily infiltrate the diamante manor and manages to recover it but what then? why, it’s mira! mother has trusted her with her first ever assassination, and it’s to make sure that even if throné makes it to the objective alive, she doesn’t make it out of the manor. throné fights mira and wins, but when mira realizes she might die she begins pleading for her life and throné can’t bring herself to kill her so she flees the manor and decides that her quest to leave the blacksnakes begins Right Now. on her way out of town she’s “ambushed” by Father, who came to congratulate her for successfully making it out of diamante because he knew she would be able to complete a mission no other blacksnake could. throné is conflicted between feeling good that he’s proud and knowing that shes gotta get the fuck out of here and feeling just a little bit incompetent for not being able to kill mira(she doesnt say any of this explicitly, she thanks him for praising her and hes kinda like ‘cmon champ say it like you mean it’ and throné thinks ‘but i dont’). he leaves and throné thinks about her objective— she needs to remove the collar, so she needs the keys from Mother… and Father. she knows that at this time of year Mother goes to visit the orphanage in Sotoburgo she uses as a front for educating and taking in young blacksnakes.

she arrives in Sotoburgo and sees. well look who it fucking is, mira! a normal blacksnake wouldve been executed for failing an assassination(throné was definitely going to be executed either way which is why she needed to leave immediately, this is unstated but you can guess), but mother’s golden child rides again. throné disguises herself as a nun and sneaks into the orphanage to find that mira has been brought with Mother as a punishment for failing the mission, where shes being treated as a child. throné walks in shortly before mira is used as an example to the children of what happens if they fail to succeed in their duties and shes whipped. after that Mother leaves to go to the garden and throné pursues her but when she gets to the garden Mother reveals that she knew it was throné the whole time and mira steps out of the shadows, Mother reveals that mira was spared from execution on the condition that she helps Mother eliminate throné now, there’s a double battle where mira protects Mother but after throné overpowers them both and knocks mira out Mother also begins pleading for her life and uses the fact that she spared mira to prove that throné is actually very kind and all this will be forgiven if she just— and then throné stabs her and as Mother’s dying shes like “damn.. you really are your father’s daughter…” and throné is like ah. the agonies. anyway then mira recovers and realizes mother’s dead and does the whole “SHES ALL I HAD” thing and that shes really gonna kill throné this time Youll See and throné tells her that shes clearly not meant for the blacksnakes either but that the next time they meet, it’s kill or be killed. mira asks throné what other options does she think she has(even if you get the collar off, what will you do then? do you really think you can live a normal life?) and throné… cant answer her. she leaves. Father ambushes her again on the way out and tells her that hes proud of her for killing Mother, and asks her to go on a job with him. throné agrees, and he leaves. throné wonders if this really is all somehow part of his plan

thronés chapter 3 is actually really good so im leaving it unchanged

but ok so chapter 4. throné confronts Father and he tells her how proud of her he is for making it this far and that he knew she would. if she succeeds here, she’ll prove once and for all that shes worthy to lead the blacksnakes. throné tells him that shes fucking off forever after this and he cant stop her. he says he doesnt have to— someone with so much blood on her hands can never live a normal life. even if the collar is gone, she’s still a killer and a thief. sooner or later, she’ll realize the blacksnakes are all she has. throné wants to refute him, but can’t come up with a satisfying response. Father switch to fighting sprite and tells her that it’s time to stop trying to run away from the life she chose, that she was meant for. throné defeats him. his last words are “i love you”. throné switch to heavy damage sprite and after a pause says “i hate you.” she reaches for the keys and unlocks the collar, but realizes that she really doesn’t know what to do now. she leaves the montwise cathedral but on the way back to town is grabbed by a strange man who is just repeating . idk like “i’m lost, help, help, i’m lost” or whatever this guy is one of the broken vessels and throné manages to shove him off and kill him but finds a note in his hand that is a map leading to an X or maybe directions. idk whatever but this is a map to the gondola

throné arrives at the gondola and finds lostseed. i actually love lostseed i think it owns and its one of the coolest locations in the game so im slamming it in just like the writers but at least trying to make it relevant. throné finds the shrine(btw this is the shrine) and goes through and who is it at the end You Guessed It it’s mira. throné is like. what the fuck is going on. mira tells her that this village is where the successor of the blacksnakes must go to receive the gift of agelessness and throné is like. what? she reveals that Mother and Father both wanted to have their successor candidates and that mira was Mother’s. the gift of agelessness is like. a fountain you have to drink from or maybe it is the flame itself somehow, and all the broken vessels are people who tried to drink from the fountain but were unworthy and instead went insane and are now empty husks. mira says that shes going to kill throné once and for all so she cant come back to take revenge and then mira will drink from the fountain and become the successor. throné tells her that this is a bad idea and shes definitely going to become a husk. mira tells her to shut the fuck up and you know what at least she knows her place in the world and attacks. throné overpowers and kills her. mira has a bit before she bleeds out where she tells throné that she always knew throné was stronger than her, and that throné could be the best leader the blacksnakes have. her last words are. ok so this would be easier in japanese but in english even though i feel like its kind of clunky you can still have mira call her “big sister”. throné obviously decides not to drink from the fountain of youth. you dont need to have any dialogue to establish that she has now realized she had complicated feelings about mira but i want to have her unlock mira’s collar and maybe give her a burial in lostseed. her last scene is returning to montwise and buying a raspberry turnover or whatever. she reflects that she still doesnt know where she goes from here, but that she at least knows that no matter what, she won’t be the blacksnakes’ successor. i was debating between her endcard being that or the grave but since temenos already has a grave endcard i think having a version of her endcard that references the raspberries thing is better

OH also her design on her endcard is way better than her ingame design. no thief design is complete without the little mantle and also please give this poor woman some fucking pants. i think she should also have gloves though. tbh i also want to have her skirt be full instead of asymmetrical but i do acknowledge that at this point im basically just describing tressa’s clothes with a longer skirt but in my defense i really like tressa’s design and they could add details to make it different.

MORE IMPORTANTLY THOUGH for crossed paths . its so fucking stupid that her crossed paths is with temenos i fucking hate it here for real. throné doesnt even do anything shes literally just the Specialest Birthday Boy in the world’s sidekick and its so frustrating bc again theres a way more obvious pairing: osvald. obviously osvald. if you asked me which character i would pair with the girl whose main trait is that her abuse was from her father, the guy whose main trait is his relationship with his daughter would be a lot fucking higher on my list than catholic sherlock(partitio can just be kind of there in temenos’ story and in the postgame he suffers a lot less from being completely ignored because The Most Important Guy In The World is the only person that matters for temenos’ torch(no hate to partitio btw i love the spaghetti western man but someone has to be the sacrifice)). throné and osvald are mirrors of each other in a bunch of interesting ways, thronés conflict is about whether or not shes her father’s daughter/osvald was extremely close with his daughter who was a lot like him, throné has spent her entire life in the underworld but wants to live a normal life/osvald was living a normal life but has recently been plunged into the underworld, etc. you could have osvald and throné conflicting because both of them are projecting their father/daughter onto each other and their crossed paths are about them realizing that they need to approach each other as individuals, you could have the two of them ending up falling into a father/daughterish dynamic in a lighthearted way, you could have an inverted mentor/apprentice dynamic where throné ends up teaching osvald mugging tips and tricks or whatever, you could have the two of them sharing the conflict of not being sure if they can ever find a normal life when osvald has dedicated so much of himself to revenge and its not like he can just fucking. pick up his life where he left off and throné doesnt even know what a normal life would be like and hey maybe osvald could share some of what a normal life with a caring father is supposed to look like. if the crossed paths were tied to their main story you could even explicitly have the two of them conflict over what osvald owes to his daughter now that he knows shes alive or have throné react to harvey changing elena’s memories, or you could have osvald get invested in thronés conflict because as a father hes got a personal stake in seeing a father treat his daughter like shit. or i dont. fucking know. thatd probably be best saved for travel banter actually but what im saying is their dynamic is much more interesting and i would pretty please like to allow throné to have an important role in what is allegedly supposed to be Her shared story.

but in the spirit of not completely rewriting everything osvalds crossed paths actually works fine with throné instead since she and partitio both have a get item path action but throné’s motivation for helping regulus will initially just be contrarianism where osvald is like “dont waste your time” and throné is like “hmm interesting. unfortunately i do have to see what happens solely because you seem so upset about it”. i think this story works best where throné and osvald sort of unconsciously fall into a father/daughter dynamic where throné feels a sudden powerful urge to exert major teenager energy. the second entry is again mostly the same but throné offers to steal it instead and osvald is like “no im going to punch this guy”. during the stargazing scene regulus mentions that osvald’s new assistant reminds him of elena and that he thought she was the only person who could drag osvald into wasting his time and osvald is like ill fucking kill you and throné is like ah papá i did not know you were so weak willed that a ten year old could drag you around and osvald is like ill blow this whole building up (paraphrasing). this is definitely on the lighthearted end but thats fine octopath really doesnt like having protagonists conflict which does suck ass but i also understand

for the postgame obviously like i said lostseed is the location of the scholar/thief shrine, the blacksnakes’ founder found a way to harness the power of the flame to achieve immortality and the leader of the snakes is brought into the moonshade order and theyre supposed to sacrifice themself to snuff out the torch, if youre really dedicated to The Sacred Flame Is Unambiguously Good No Matter what you can have lostseed not be the shrine and just keep the blacksnakes leader sacrificing themself bc ik octopath’s canon mythology is allergic to being interesting but either way osvald can be like. Damn you dodged a fucking bullet huh(paraphrasing)

since mira has tragically passed away she cant be the postgame quest but instead the elderly guard/gondola operator being twins can still be a thing so i would like the guard to have a brother and also like. niece who he thinks died, and so he asks you to see if you can find anything that remains of them. the brother is his twin and his niece is the “give it back” girl. the solution is still to bring the guard to his brother, and the brother leads him to the girl and explains that she was another successor candidate but that when she tried to drink from the fountain it turned her into a husk and so he stayed in lostseed to watch over her. the guard and ideally the player realize that all these broken vessels were once full people and decides to stay with his brother to watch over the town in case a way is ever found to heal them

[tanoraqui]

tanoraqui

Still thinking about an au in which for some reason WWX and the Wens are left to just live peacefully on the creepy death mountain - some detente wherein they don’t leave the mountain ever and in exchange no one tries to visit ever. Borders patrolled by corpses and sect disciples. So A-Yuan grows up raised kind of collectively but mostly by WWX and Wen Qing (the one most likely to tell WWX that he’s doing it wrong), and learns healing-focused spiritual cultivation AND demonic cultivation, and then at some point starts sneaking out to be the terrifying force of righteous kindness he was always going to be

tanoraqui

Righteous kindness but also, like, having picked up WWX’s cavalier confidence (or at least some of the ability to fake it) and Wen Qing’s general attitude of Do No Harm But Take No Shit

Like IMAGINE

tanoraqui

In this au, despite the strict border-by-mutual-agreement that’s the only reason somehow no ones tried to attack, LWJ sneaks in like one a year so he and WWX can make eyes at one another but not actually say anything ever, and Wen Qing and LXC are both EXHAUSTED bc both their dumb little brothers (WWX is a sibling by adoption now don’t @ me) mope for like a week after EVERY SINGLE TIME THIS HAPPENS, and it’s been /over ten years/.

tanoraqui

Meanwhile Jiang YanLi and JZX are FINE, and JYL somehow keeps up some sort of correspondence with WWX - or at least, he’s faithfully managed to send a birthday present for Jin Ling every single year, and every time, JYL makes her son write a thank-you note and bribes some series of people to get it smuggled back to Yiling

tanoraqui

...which means, honestly, that Jin Ling is probably wildly curious about his uncle the evil demonic cultivator kept trapped within the terrible ghost mountain by the forces of Good and Right, and WILL sneak out one day to try to visit. Optimally, obviously, at the same time Wen Yuan is sneaking out to see the non-mountain world

tanoraqui

The optimal plot is that Wen Yuan ropes Jin Ling into helping him set up WWX and LWJ, because he, too, is exasperated at this point, and Jin Ling ropes Wen Yuan into arranging like a parent trap reunion for the Jiang siblings, and obviously there are monsters and undead to complicate it all

tanoraqui

They kind of acquire Lan Jingyi somewhere, somehow. He’s having a blast

There is a 100% chance that the first Adult(TM) to find them is Wen Ning and they just kind of rope him into whatever the hell is going on at the time

...you know what, I think this is just a good au where JGY fucking died at some point

tanoraqui

Maybe someone threw him down the stairs again and he just broke his fucking neck. WWX is still vilified but between Jiang Cheng not really wanting to attack and Jiang (Jin?) Yanli being AGGRESSIVELY against it, and dragging JZX along with her, they’re left in peace.

tanoraqui

Oh man and Jin Ling has YOUNGER SIBLINGS in this...

Hey for u: Jiang Cheng/Wen Qing can accidentally happen while the Teens are trying to get everyone else to meet

Today at 8:42 AM

@professorsparklepants

I love this it's so goddamn wacky

tanoraqui

I just want teenager-based shenanigans ft. surprisingly competent teenagers and all the adults running around like chickens with their heads chopped off

professorsparklepants

Jingyi: why are you two more calm about this than the literal adults

Wen Yuan: have you met my dad?

tanoraqui

Also to be clear it is not at all hard to convince Wen Ning to join Team: Teenage Shenanigans, bc literally ANYONE in the Burial Mountain village would probably be down if you were like, “we’re engaged in a conspiracy to make Wei Wuxian fucking admit that he’s in love with that Lan guy who visits a couple times a year”

professorsparklepants

"This is my father, and this is his sugar daddy."

tanoraqui

I kinda wanna say he goes by “Wen Yuan” more often bc he’s 100% the baby of the entire remaining Wen clan there, but his adult name or w/e it’s called IS Wen Sizhui, because WWX asked LWJ if he had any suggestions and LWJ said this while maintaining eye contact

professorsparklepants

OH MY GOOOOOOD

tanoraqui

They meet LXC and he figures out what’s going on in like 4 minutes, despite the teens’ best attempts at obfuscation, and instead of calling anyone’s parents is like, “okay, I’m in”

professorsparklepants

#1 wingman...

tanoraqui

Jin Ling and Wen Yuan are definitely both traveling under false names, too? Wen Yuan obviously can’t admit to being a Wen and Jin Ling is making a privileged but slightly helicoptered teen’s rebellious bid for freedom

professorsparklepants

His dad is panicking at home and Yanli is like "boys need their freedom :)"

I saw a post forever ago about how Yanli would be the most hands off parent & Zixuan is an only child who would panic every time his kid fell down

tanoraqui

With a side order of “my mother is the only one who’ll say nice things about the Yiling Patriarch and she always looks sad when she does so I’m going to sneak into the Burial Mountain and either drag him out to see her or force my parents to come get me”

professorsparklepants

"I'm gonna beat up the Yiling Patriarch" "why" "he made my mom sad" "okay proceed"

tanoraqui

^ actual real conversation with WenYuan

professorsparklepants

A-Yuan then repeats the same thing to Wen Qing and she has the exact same answer, verbatim

tanoraqui

Side note: Wen Yuan has never been scared of the undead in his entire life, and probably this will lead to getting into severely life-threatening situations when he doesn’t have more backup than 2 other teenagers

professorsparklepants

Oh absolutely

professorsparklepants

He's so used to tuning out the sound of sentry corpses that one jumps on him and almost punches his lungs out

tanoraqui

Also what if he took WWX’s sword, so he looks like a proper normal cultivator - honestly, what if WWX gave him the sword when he turned 12, or whenever one customarily gives a child a sword in this world. He also has a flute stashed in his robe somewhere but he does know how to use both

tanoraqui

But also, while obviously it’s very important that this is the sword he inherited from his father, it’s never OCCURRED to him to, like, strongly associate it with WWX, in terms of “this would be a recognizable weapon”? Chenqing the flute, obviously, but WWX just left the sword on a shelf all the time

professorsparklepants

He's very good at fooling people into thinking he's a normal rogue cultivator until he busts out the flute

LOL YES

tanoraqui

So the first time someone looks at him and is like, “That is WWX’s sword” he achieves, like, “Who’s Morales? [NOT THAT DUMB]” levels of blank-brained

professorsparklepants

It like, doesn't even occur to him that this stick named whatever will be recognizable to people until it actually happens

"this is the Yiling Patriarch's sword!" "... I've never heard of him"

tanoraqui

“What sword?”

professorsparklepants

KDJAKSNJS

tanoraqui

“Oh, THIS sword? I...found it. In a stream.”

tanoraqui

Also...at some point...once the teens have admitted their identities to one another...and possibly gotten into a couple other increasingly public shenanigans...they run into a bunch of concerned people searching from the Jin or even Jiang sect - JC being there would be PERFECT - and Jin Ling is like, “aaahh, no, I don’t want to be dragged home... kidnap me.”

WY: what?

JL: pull out the flute, summon a couple corpses, shout that you’re the dread son of the Yiling Patriarch, and pretend to kidnap me

WY: ...yeah okay

AND THEN THEY DO THAT

professorsparklepants

The dumbass energy...... off the CHARTS

tanoraqui

They’re 15 and neither of them has ever faced consequences but in...actually not too different ways

They’re 15 and neither of them as ever faced consequences nor most of the real world

Oh my god is Lan Jingyi the most sensible person here

They’re going to DIE

professorsparklepants

JXHAKAJAKKQHSJA

JC and Yanli immediately see through this probably

"dumbass kid just doesn't want to go home. I'll break his legs."

tanoraqui

I think Yanli does but I have minimal faith in JC’s ability to think logically at any time

He’s still angry at WWX for leaving

professorsparklepants

Stomps to Yiling to demand his nephew back & wwx's like "lol, A-Yuan left two months ago"

Okay my shift is starting later

tanoraqui

/snort

Though, bold of you to assume that WWX isn’t also running around anxiously somewhere like “oh god, oh no, my son is missing; I must find him”

professorsparklepants

Sizhui is a responsible boy, I don't think he would leave without telling at least ONE person where he was going

tanoraqui

Ok but it was Wen Qing who thinks it’s good for WWX’s health to stop brooding and go run around like a headless chicken instead, optimally if he runs into his totally-not-a-boyfriend-Hahahaha-why-would-you-say-that

Alternately it was, like, Granny, which, ditto

No one on this mountain is going to stop WWX from going out to cause trouble and hopefully get laid, is my point

tanoraqui

Also, the cultivation world has been basically at peace for 13 years and the reason is that this is an ideal AU where JGY is dead and whenever trouble starts to stir politically, NHS and JYL meet eyes across the room and mentally Rock Paper Scissors over who has to manipulate everyone into calming the fuck down

Neither of them actually wants this job; they’re just good at it and recognize both those aspects in each other

professorsparklepants

LOLOLOL

That is.... so goddamn in character

tanoraqui

concept: JYL and NHS are friends and no one else understands it, or attributes it to JYL just being that nice, bc NHS still generally acts useless

professorsparklepants

Nhs actively wants to be useless and life is conspiring to make sure he can't

tanoraqui

a little less dramatically useless, but why ruin a good thing when you're having fun and it's useful

professorsparklepants

Lol

tanoraqui

but JYL fucking identified him as Actually Competent one time when he couldn't hide it, so now sometimes they get tea together and bitch about politics and stupid people

professorsparklepants

He's the only person who can correctly identify when she's talking shit about people, because it's VERY subtle and her brothers & husband are too busy thinking she hung the moon to notice

tanoraqui

JYL striding into Nie sect HQ (whatever it's called) and tossing her coat over a chair. "You would not BELIEVE what my brothers are doing now."

NHS: *probably knows, because he's found that the minor investment of effort in maintaining a very good spy network pays major dividends in helping him avoid greater work* *immediately sits up and pours her a cup of very expensive tea* Oh, girl, dish.

professorsparklepants

Question: are they also friends with lwj...

tanoraqui

yes but he's obviously not invited to hte political gossip sessions

professorsparklepants

I'm trying to imagine lwj making eye contact with them at some meeting his brother dragged him to and both of them struggling not to break into hysterics

tanoraqui

but they both know that he sneaks into Yiling to visit WWX a few times a year, and every single time, JYL sits him down within a couple weeks and aggressively debriefs him as to her brother's condition

professorsparklepants

I'm sure she tried to get him to take treats in

tanoraqui

for sure

it's hopeless, though, bc there's no really predicting WHEN he'll go? It's basically just "every 4-6 months when LWJ's resolve breaks"

professorsparklepants

Too bad she's not a stress quilter instead of a stress baker

tanoraqui

she gets him to go at an actual arranged time, bearing pork soup, like once, for WWX's 30th birthday or something

professorsparklepants

:)

tanoraqui

omg lit brain: LWJ of course is hte WORST for getting gossip, but JYL has pieced together a reasonable amount about the people her idiot baby brother (#2) is now living with. And she's mildly despairing as to idiot baby brother #1's ongoing refusal to get married and have an heir or three. So she, if not actively connives, then certainly siezes the first available opportunity to set Jiang Cheng up with Wen Qing

tanoraqui

basically, this au is PEAK romcom

tanoraqui

...also, for max happiness, i'd like to think that WWX made some strategic raids to rescue additional Wen refugees and bring them back, so there's a properly populated village and they didn't all just die

professorsparklepants

!!!

Good... Good thoughts

Good because 1. more people die and 2. The Yiling Patriarch will attack your village and steal your people away!

tanoraqui

(romcom being exclusively adults-focussed; the teens initiate it all but Jin Ling and Wen Yuan are both so delighted to have an Additional (But Cooler) Family Member that they comfortably cousinzone each other instantly)

professorsparklepants

*nice*

tanoraqui

...i feel like i keep characterizing Jin Ling as an only child, when really he ought to have a small horde of siblings

maybe they just...couldn't conceive more. shit happens. pregnancy is hard.

professorsparklepants

That happens sometimes

[five-rivers]

Orb/Reanimation

Another part of Doorways!  Link to series here.

.

.

.

“What’s his name again?” asked Danny, picking at the hem of his shirt.  Today had been… stressful, for a number of reasons.  Partially the long drive and the disastrous breakfast stop, but also the fact that they were driving to meet a guy who was possibly:

a)       Vlad Masters version 2.

b)      A horrible hole in reality that would try to kill him.

c)       Possessed, like the Keens.

d)      Using ghost stuff without knowing it was ghost stuff.

e)      Messing around with ghost stuff while knowing it was ghost stuff, but without any of the skill to keep it from messing him up in turn.  

f)        Crazy in some wonderful, unforeseen way.

Or, finally,

g)       Mom and Dad’s one and only normal friend.  

Danny really wasn’t holding for the last one, if he was being honest.  After all, unlike Marianne, this guy had been part of the Paranormal Research Club.  

Okay, maybe there were other, positive, options.  It was completely possible for someone to be weird or crazy and not be evil or even particularly threatening.  Most ghosts were like that, in fact.  

Still.

“Frank Stone,” said Dad, cheerfully.

“If he turns out to be a Dr. Frankenstein type, I quit,” groaned Jazz.  “Just so you know.”

“You won’t quit,” said Danny, with complete confidence.  

“He is a doctor,” said Mom.  “He was studying biology when we met him, for his undergraduate degree.”

“I quit; I’m telling you.”

“If you were really quitting,” reasoned Danny, “you’d just open the door and jump out.”  He was pleased that Jazz was taking her turn as the resident overdramatic teenager.  She carried that burden only rarely, but it did seem like long trips in the GAV really brought it out.

Maybe they made her remember the whole Youngblood thing.  Who knew? Not Danny.  

“I’m not going to jump out of a moving vehicle. That’s more of a ‘you’ thing.”

“I can’t really dispute that,” said Danny, remembering all the times he had, in fact, jumped out of a moving vehicle. “In my defense, I can fly.”

“Why you can fly completely negates that as a defense.”

Danny held up a finger.  “Okay, so, first off, reality is not a moving vehicle.”

“Anything can be a moving vehicle, depending on your reference frame.”

“I agree on the moving part, but I dispute the vehicle part.  Vehicle comes from the Latin vehiculum, which is ‘a means of conveyance.’ Reality is not a means of conveyance. Ergo, it cannot be a vehicle.”

“Not so fast, brother dear.  Words change meaning over time.”

“Yeah, but that’s still what vehicle means,” said Danny.  “Unless you’re doing the medicine definition, anyway.  I think.”

“Reality is a metaphorical vehicle.”

“Well, if it’s metaphorical, it doesn’t matter whether or not it’s moving.  Does it?”

“I’m… not sure.”

“I think this is the place!” exclaimed Dad, pulling into a parking lot.  “Golding City University Medical Research Lab.”

“He doesn’t live here,” said Danny, slowly, “does he?”  They weren’t ambushing this guy at work, were they?  Even if he did turn out to be just as bad as all of Mom and Dad’s other friends, that was kind of mean.  

(Except, the Keens had been acceptable, once they were no longer possessed, and even the ghost possessing them hadn’t been too terrible.)

“He’s in the building behind the lab,” said Mom. “They let the teachers live on-campus, here.  He’s expecting us, anyway.”

Right.  Because they had called ahead, giving warning to their potential enemy.  Curse you, common courtesy and sundry social conventions.

Jazz was glaring at the small name sign on the building, which was just barely visible through the rain.  “Golding City University,” she said, eyes narrowed.  

“Uh, is something wrong?”

“Frankenstein,” she said.  

“Um,” said Danny.  He looked more closely at the name.  “Golding City.  Ingolstadt.” Oh, no.  Now he was glaring at the name, too.  Because Jazz was right, and it would be his luck.  Their parents’ luck.  Whatever.  

“Do you feel anything?” asked Dad.  

“No,” said Danny.

“Well,” said Mom.  “We’ll have to run a bit, try to stay out of the rain.  It’s too bad there isn’t a closer parking lot…”

“I could also just make us all intangible,” said Danny.  

“What?”

“I could make us all intangible.  I do it all the time to miss the rain when no one is looking too closely.”

“Huh,” said Mom.  

“It isn’t as if my powers disappear when I’m not fighting ghosts,” said Danny.  “I get to use them for other things.”

“I know, I know, it just seems… petty.”

��Petty is one of the best words to describe ghosts with,” said Danny.  

.

Frank Stone did not look like a Frankenstein. Not the monster, and not the ‘doctor.’

(Because Victor Frankenstein had not, in fact, become a doctor, had he?)

He was actually pretty average looking.  The same age as Mom and Dad, of course. Brown hair.  Glasses.  Skinny, but not that skinny.  Could Dr. Stone rob a grave?  Probably. But carrying the loot away without some mechanical advantage was probably out.  Unless it was old loot.  Dried out. Maybe just bones.  

Corpses were heavy.  

(No, Danny was not going to elaborate.)

Dr. Stone appeared to be somewhat confused about why Danny and Jazz were there.  Evidently, Mom and Dad had managed to give the man the impression that they wanted to fund his research with the fortune they had inherited from Vlad.

Which, incidentally, had been inherited by Danny, who couldn’t really do much with it until he was twenty-five.  Not that he was particularly keen on funding… Whatever it was that Dr. Stone was researching.  

Maybe that would be different if he could tell what Dr. Stone was talking about.  Danny wasn’t stupid, far from it, and had a good background in any number of esoteric subjects, but, well.  It was hard to rival an adult lifetime of learning and research.  Especially when he didn’t have any context.  

Mom and Dad’s briefing on Dr. Stone had generally focused on what he had been interested in as a member of the Paranormal Research Club, not his true field of study.

“Oh,” said Mom, suddenly, “this is about your organ transplant project, isn’t it?  You really need to provide more context.  When you just jump right in like that, even we’ll get lost!”

Okay.  Danny felt better.  

“Well, yes,” said Dr. Stone.  “I have been working on this off and on since college, you know how it is.  I know you kept up with that portal business!”  He flashed a nervous smile and set his coffee mug down on his coffee table.  It made a soft chinking sound against the glass.  “But the university gave me a grant, Vladco’s been donating some supplies—From their chemical division, mostly—and I’ve been having a lot of success!  I can’t wait to show you.  We’ve actually got a few specimens in near-stasis right now, all from mice.  We’re going to be implanting one tomorrow.  See how it functions.”

“Have you implanted any before?” asked Mom, leaning forward.  

“A few, but, well.  I can’t say they were resounding successes.  The most recent subject only lasted a few days… Although, that is better than the first! We’ve been adjusting some of our ratios.”

“Say, Frank,” said Dad.  “What chemicals are you using for this, anyway?  I know you’re using them in conjunction with low temperatures, but keeping crystals from forming in the flesh—”

“Yes, yes, that’s always been the problem with cryogenics,” agreed Dr. Stone.  Then they dove back into jargon and technical language.  

Danny glanced sideways at Jazz, uneasy.  Chemicals.  From Vladco. Yeah.  Not suspicious at all.  

He leaned over.  “Ten dollars says that he’s using ectoplasm to reanimate dead bodies.”

“I’m not taking that bet.  Do you feel anything weird from him?”  Jazz whispered back.  

“Weird, yes, but…”  Danny bit his lip.  “I’m not sensing any… doors.  Or ghosts.”

“Okay,” said Jazz.  “So, when we do find his mad science lab full of dead body parts, what do we do?”

“Well…  Nothing? As long as they’re legal dead body parts, I guess.  You know, from organ donors, or people who donated their bodies to science.  I mean…”  He shrugged.  “You’ve read Frankenstein, too.  And met Ellie.”

“Hm.  True,” said Jazz.  “I have to check my biases.  I’m still quitting, though.  As soon as we find his Frankenstein stuff.  Just so you know.”

“No, you aren’t.”

Jazz just sighed.  

.

Danny walks silently through the halls of the research facility.  True, Dr. Stone was planning on giving his family a tour of his workspace first thing tomorrow and had implied that other researchers would be doing the same, but Danny believed in being prepared.  

Well.  Sometimes. He was allowed to be inconsistent and contradictory.  Like any teen, he was still learning how to exist.  

Maybe he should stop comparing himself to ‘any teen,’ though.  It was beginning to feel dishonest, even in his own head.  Even though, technically, it was true.  

Anyway.  

This place was kind of creepy.  At least, he presumed a normal person would find it creepy. Too bad he didn’t know any normal people.  Sam would think it was cool.  Tucker would be freaking out because it was a medical research lab.  Ancients, Danny was as bad as his parents.  

It did have a number of features that one would typically only find on the set of a horror movie, however, so he felt fairly confident in his assessment of its creepiness.  Also, he had encountered at least five different crimes against nature and sanity (it took one to know one), and he hadn’t even gotten to Dr. Stone’s lab yet.  

He was impressed.  He hadn’t expected such a high concentration outside of Amity Park or Vlad’s hideouts.  

At the thought of Vlad, Danny drooped. Yeah.  He still wasn’t over the stupid fruitloop.  Still hated the fact that he had died.  

Back to the crimes against nature.  Ectoplasm was definitely a component, if a small one. Hard to get things to glow that precise, reality bending shade of green otherwise.  Also, well.  Danny can sense ectoplasm.

And…  Now he was in a room of jars full of diluted ectoplasm and… He sniffed. Formaldehyde?  He frowned and decided the number, size, and arrangement of jars was suspicious.  He walked around the table.  Yep. That was in the outline of a human body. Yep.  

Honestly, this wasn’t any more alarming than the living mice impaled with various glowing needles, or the disturbingly brown heart beating in a fish tank a few rooms back.  It was, also, significantly less alarming than the prosthetic face (mainly because, dang, that thing looked realistic), the (fresh) skeleton someone had been injecting ectoplasm into (yikes), and the weird flesh… blob… thing that someone had just left out in their workspace.  

Still.  This was another point for the ‘someone is building a Frankenstein’s monster in this building’ theory, and Danny had kind of been hoping that he was wrong.  

He walked out of the room, on alert for random murderous corpse monsters (or sad corpse monsters that needed a shoulder to cry on, a restraining order against their creators, and a loving home).  Or mad scientists.  Because, at this point, he was fairly certain that everyone who worked here was crazy, and not necessarily in the fun way Mom and Dad were.

He was glad they had decided to sleep in the GAV and ignore Dr. Stone’s invitation to stay in his apartment.  

Dr. Stone’s office was just next door.  His lab, just beyond that.  Danny approached cautiously, his ghost half on high alert, and his deeper self stirring uneasily.  

He laid a hand flat against the door, and that stirring became wakefulness.

Crimes against nature.  Hubris.  Pride.

Superbia.  It had to be.

A hole.  A wound.

Well.  This was fast.  Even with the Keens’ list of Paranormal Research Club members they had encountered while possessed, Danny hadn’t expected to find another thing like Gula so quickly.  

He hadn’t wanted to.  Despite his outward pessimism, he had hoped that there weren’t any more.  

After several frozen moments where Danny braced himself for an attack, he realized one wasn’t forthcoming.  The tear beyond the door had not noticed him, was not trying to consume him.  

So, he had a choice.  He could either try to deal with this alone, right now, or he could sneak away and tell his family what he had found.  Both choices had pros and cons.  

Before even a second had passed, Danny was easing away from the door.  He hadn’t quite promised to share if he felt anything strange, if he had detected anything bad, but…  It was a near thing, and he didn’t want to be dishonest with his family after they had been so accepting of all his… Stuff.  

Yeah.  Call it stuff.  Nice and generic.  Covers everything.  

Plus, his encounter with Gula had confirmed that he needed backup.  

He refrained from calling on his powers on the way out.  He didn’t want to draw attention.  The limits of the doors to the place which should not be mentioned were largely unknown to him.

Luckily, the doors weren’t alarmed, and he got back to the GAV without a problem.  He poked Jazz awake first.  

“Hey,” he said, “we’ve got a problem.”

.

“This portal is just… Sitting there,” said Mom.

“Yep.”

“In Frank’s office.”

“Well, I think it might actually be in the lab, but yes.  It’s kind of freaking me out.”

“Is Frank sleeping in his lab?” asked Dad, stroking the stubble on his chin.  

“No, I checked that before I went in,” said Danny. “He’s in his apartment.”

“You just… broke into his apartment?” asked Mom.

Danny shrugged.  “I didn’t break anything,” he said.  “But, I mean, what else was I supposed to do?”

For a moment, it looked like Mom was about to argue or scold him, but she shook her head.  “Alright, then someone else is in his office.”

“Maybe.  I’m not sure if these portals need a person attached or not.  Using person in the very loosest of senses, because…”  He made a gesture he hoped would be interpreted as a soul being forcibly removed from a body without killing the body.  

“You don’t think it’s in the, um,” Jazz also made a vague gesture.  

“You mean the hypothetical Frankenstein’s monster he’s made?  Yeah. I think that’s likely.  Also, judging from the sheer amount of, um, weird stuff in the other labs, I’d say it’s influencing everyone and everything around it, too.”

“Is that a thing it can do?” asked Mom.  

“I mean, I can do that,” said Danny.  He paused.  “’I’ in this case being the portal.  Yeah.  That’s why Amity Park is so…  Amity Park.”

Mom breathed out, slowly.  “Sweetie, trust me on this, Amity Park was strange long before we made the portal.

“Well, yes?” said Danny, not seeing what that had to do with it.  “So?”

“So, that strangeness couldn’t be caused by the portal.”

“Mom.  I’m—It’s a hole in reality.  Do you think it’s going to obey the laws of cause and effect?  You went to Amity Park because it was already a ‘thin spot,’ right?  I was already there.”

Mom looked vaguely ill.  

“Okay,” said Jazz.  “Let’s table that discussion for right now.  What are we going to do about this?  Break in?  Wait for our ‘tour’ tomorrow?”

“I don’t like the idea of waiting for Dr. Stone to give us a tour,” said Danny.  “I don’t want to give them time to prepare for us.”

“He doesn’t know what we’re here for, though,” said Dad.  “Does he?”

“I don’t know,” said Danny.  “I can’t read minds.”

“Yet,” added Jazz.

“Do you think he even knows about the…”  It was Mom’s turn to enter the gesturing game.

“Let’s just call it a hell portal for the sake of communication,” said Danny, despite the fact that the term did not do the actuality justice.  “Or Superbia for this particular one.  I think this must be Superbia, anyway.”  He didn’t want to imagine the possibility of even more of these things out there.  

“I’m not sure how he couldn’t notice that something strange was going on,” said Dad.  “Even if he was using ectoplasm and other supernatural elements in his research, we gave him a good grounding in what to expect from ectoplasm in college.”

“Yeah,” said Jazz.  “But not everyone is like you and Mom.  Your college days were over two decades ago.”

Something moving in the dark and rain beyond the GAV windows, catching Danny’s eye.  He pushed past his family to get a better look, blinking to adjust his eyes.  

“Heck,” he said.  “We have a mob.”

“What?” exclaimed Dad, rushing to the console to turn on the GAV’s exterior floodlights.  

They illuminated Dr. Stone and a crowd of college and graduate students quite nicely.  Their eyes reflected a dim red.  The GAV was, as far as Danny could see, surrounded.

Very briefly, the thought of gunning the GAV and crashing through the crowd crossed his mind.  It was just as quickly dismissed.  

He didn’t know what the line between influenced and mind controlled was, or how easily Superbia could cross it.  It was even possible that the ‘hell portal’ could vault over both of those and land directly in possession.  

“Ghost shield?” suggested Danny.  

“Will it do anything?” asked Mom.  

“Won’t hurt,” said Danny with a shrug.  

Mom flipped the switch.  

“What are we going to do?” asked Jazz, softly. “Wait them out?”

“Realistically,” said Danny, “we don’t have enough food and water to do that.  With this many people, they could take turns watching us.”

“Call the police?” suggested Maddie.  The other three turned to look at her.  “They are still human, aren’t they?”

“Yeah,” said Danny, frowning.  “But I don’t know how much, um, agency they have right now.  If we were in Amity, I’d say sure, our police understand, mostly, but…  Also, bringing extra hostages into this might not be a good idea.”

“If it’s the campus police that would get called, they might be affected, too,” said Jazz.  

“They have campus police?  How do you know?”

“This college sent me a brochure once.”

“Right.  Um.  I could always just fly us out of here,” said Danny.

“Assuming they don’t have ranged attacks,” said Mom, dubiously.

“Hm.  Yeah.  I think I could lift the GAV, and then we could just leave the shield on.”

“Assuming the shield does anything.”

Danny shrugged.  “I can always just try to fight them outright.  I’d prefer not to do that, though.”

Mom inhaled as if she were about to say something but was cut off by a loud noise from outside.

“Jack~  Maddie~ I know you’re in there.”  That was Dr. Stone’s voice, warped by a megaphone speaker.  “Why don’t you come out and see what I’ve done?  I dare say I’ve exceeded even our wildest dreams from college.”  A long pause.  “I even made a portal…  Weren’t you trying to get one of those?  Isn’t that what got good old Vlad hospitalized?”  There was laughter.  Too much laughter.  

The mob was laughing, too.

Superbia.  Pride.

Danny knew what he wanted to do.  He wanted to walk out and deal with the threat that was grating on his every sense.  But…  He knew that prideful actions were contraindicated under the present circumstances.  

Influence.  Right. How much could Danny be influenced?

How much could his family be influenced?

He looked up at his parents, seeking guidance. They seemed uncertain, too.  

“I didn’t destroy any lives- I made new life. New life!  Powered by an interdimensional portal, oh, yes…  Can you imagine the application?  Can you imagine a new world?”

“Okay, he didn’t seem like this in the apartment,” muttered Jazz.  “We have human nonlethal weapons, right?”

“Still have to worry about running people over,” said Danny.  He looked back at the lab building.  “We could try to cut this off at the source.  They aren’t protecting the building.  They’re using it as part of their perimeter.”

Eyes turned to the dimly lit building.  

“We can cover you,” offered Dad.  

“I don’t like this any better than you flying off with us,” said Mom.  “But…  It offers a more permanent solution.”

Danny should have gone after it when he was in the building the first time.  Well.  Time only rewound for one ghost, and that ghost wasn’t him.  

Unless he counted…  Never mind.  The point was, despite all his other wonderful and troubling features, Danny couldn’t go back and change a decision he’d already made.  Agonizing over it was a waste of time and brain power.  

Dad got behind the wheel.  Jazz crawled up into the well-disguised turret.  Maddie manned the other weapons.  

Danny stood at the door, ready to run, ready to transform as soon as he was through the shield.  

Family bonding activities.  So much fun.  

.

The mob attacked before he got the door open. He still made it to the building.

.

Danny didn’t bother with doors or windows or halls. He remembered what floor Dr. Stone’s office was on, and, now that he was sensitized to it, he could feel Superbia. He went through the walls, straight as an arrow.

(He wondered, briefly, if he was being as bigoted as he’d often felt his parents to be.  If he was ascribing more evil to the portals to the Red Country than was warranted. If he was simply holding up a dark mirror and seeing what he feared from himself.)

(But no.  He did not command like that.  He did not force his people to assemble armies in the night or attack people.  He kept them safe.  He had rules.)

The lab was awash in sick red not-light that burned in Danny’s mind.  It was barely physically perceptible, more present in senses that couldn’t translate to human terms than anything to do with Danny’s eyes, ghostly or not.  

In the center of the lab, on an operation table, was a stitched-together corpse.  Perhaps, under other circumstances, it would have been a very pretty corpse.  A young woman with long dark hair and broad shoulders.  

Its chest had been torn open.  Half-in half-out of the cavity was a red orb, the source of the not-light, like some sick imitation of a ghost core.  

(It reminded Danny of Freakshow’s staff, and he realized that he never did find out where that horrid thing had come from.)

They had been trying to make something like Danny.

He felt like he had eaten those blood blossom pancakes.  

Danny gritted his teeth and let his light, white-green and clear, fill his hands.  Ectoplasm fought against the miasma in the air, an oddly purifying presence. It wasn’t enough to chase away the wrongness.  This wasn’t his space.  

The fight against Gula was different.  Both he and it had been within nominally living bodies.  They had been next to the heart of Danny’s territory, his home ground.  Danny had been tricked and trapped, taken off guard, unable to use the tricks he had grown used to while fighting ghosts and Vlad.

(He could feel Superbia in his mind, pride urging him forward towards error.  Pride in his abilities, in his mind, in his family.)

Danny drifted sideways, watching.  Listening.  Other things in the building were stirring.  Sparks of wrongness growing and twisting, warping into fountains and springs.  This whole building was full of it.  Rotten to the bones.  It pressed against his teeth.  

Careful.  

He had to be careful.  

The orb shone.  

(Too much like Freakshow’s staff.)

(Influence, Danny remembered.  Just how close was it to mind control?)

Doing this as a human was impossible.  Trying to fight that as a ghost was unwise.

The always-open always-closed door that both contained and laid within Danny’s soul shifted.  So did the corpse on the table, its constituent parts sliding over each other gruesomely.  Death had lost its hold, lost its meaning.  The ghost that was Danny twisted, and he was too human, too alive.

Special little thing.  You think you can defeat us.

He could.  He could open himself and wash all this away in an instant.  He could burn with electric fire and the cold of deep space.  He could reach out.  The orb would be as dust under his hand.  

He didn’t move.  

In thinking you become…

Un-light burned up from the grooves in the tile floor. It didn’t reach the soles of his boots, didn’t reach his soul.  He gritted his teeth.  

US.  

YOUR VICTORY IS OURS.

“Wow, you picked the wrong person to use that strategy on,” said Danny, out loud.  Internally, he pulled on the delicate and frayed strands of reality that persisted even here. “I have so much imposter syndrome and anxiety that it isn’t even funny.  I know I can’t beat you.  Not here.”

But then, he didn’t have to.  

He found the right string and pulled.  He found the key and opened the door.  Death was in the room again.  Danny could move again.  Not so much the pile of flesh in front of him.  It was hard, it hurt, to keep hold of something like this, but half of Danny was this, was dead, even if he had far too many halves to ever be whole.  

Ice coated the floor, the tiles cracking under the sudden temperature change.  He dropped to the floor and was human.  

An impossible thing.  

And behind the human—

Well.  Danny didn’t have to defeat Superbia.  It wasn’t like Gula, didn’t have that strength, that experience.  He just had to make it so the things that would, could.  

(Danny had rules.  Some of them were to protect himself.)

He walked over to the orb.  Ultimately, it was just a representation, not Superbia itself. Still.  He put his foot down on it and slowly transferred his weight to it until it cracked.  Until it splintered.  Until it shattered.  Until he ground its dust under his heel.  

Then, the building collapsed.  Danny didn’t move, didn’t have to move.  He was a ghost again, floating in the air, exactly where he had been, all the floors having passed harmlessly through him.  

Outside, the faculty and student body of the college were sprawled in piles on the ground.  The GAV was, somehow, halfway up a tree.  A shockingly sturdy tree.  Several statues were in pieces.  

The sun was coming up.  

Danny put a hand to his chest and assessed himself. Yes.  Still here.  Still himself.  The Ghost Zone still sang in his bones, in his core.  He was still anchored in Amity Park.  Everything in order.  

This place, though… This place would be tainted for years, a thin spot forever.  He could feel it, now.  Why couldn’t he feel it before, when they drove in?

He shuddered.  Then he flew down to the GAV and knocked on the window.  Mom rolled it down.  

“Want me to fly us away to somewhere secluded before the cops get called and we get asked a bunch of awkward questions?” he asked.

Mom closed her eyes.  “Please do,” she said.

[ruzek-halstead]

date

pairing: jay halstead x hailey upton

hailey is going on a date and jay is in severe need of a distraction. he calls on his intelligence boys for a guy's night, but that's all forgotten when hailey shows up after her date.

“i don’t even know the chicago med number, much less will’s extension of 3778.”

masterlist || ao3

warnings: swearing, fluffery, adam ruzek’s dumbassery

it starts as a day like any other. it’s early, most of the team has just gotten in, and jay is in the break room getting some freshly brewed coffee. there was no open case and voight wasn’t in yet, which meant the unit was catching up on paperwork and anything else they had been avoiding for the past week.

on his way back to his desk, jay observes vanessa leaning against hailey’s desk, as they chat. with a quick look around the bullpen, he notices kim is nowhere to be found, but he’s sure if she were here, she would be right there with them.

“i can’t believe you’re going on a date!” vanessa squeals in excitement.

two things happen in that moment.

hailey rolls her eyes and looks down at the paperwork sitting in front of her and jay trips over his chair and spills his coffee all over his desk. and paperwork.

vanessa whips around and hailey immediately stands up in shock.

“jay! are you okay?” hailey expresses her concerns, instantly making her way over to his side of the desk and collecting his most precious items so they don’t get destroyed. vanessa escapes into the break room to grab some paper towels.

jay looks up and makes eye contact with adam, who is smirking like all hell.

“yeah. shit, sorry,” he apologizes meekly. he’s used to being calm and collected - not nervous and frazzled.  vanessa soaks up the coffee with paper towels and although his desk is a little sticky, it’s manageable. “thanks,” he mumbles to vanessa, as they resume their previous positions.

he attempts to act nonchalant (and like he’s not totally eavesdropping) by organizing his files.

“can you show me a picture again?”

jay crinkles one of his files by tightening his grip; he’s really trying.

“i already showed you a picture like five times, v!”

jay pales; oh god, they’ve been talking about this for a while, haven’t they?

“i’m sorry, i’m just so excited!” vanessa replies; she seems more excited than hailey is, which piques jay’s interest. “it’s been so long since you last went on a date.”

hailey rolls her eyes again. “yes vanessa, i’m aware of that, thank you.”

“and he’s a successful lawyer! like way to go off with a bang!”

jay fights the urge to roll his eyes this time. a lawyer? come on, hailey.

“if you ask me,” adam interrupts by rolling back on his chair and stuffing himself between the two detectives, “she will never do better than her ex, but that’s just my opinion.”

hailey replies by aiming a punch at his crotch, but adam is too quick (and honestly, he’s probably expecting it; with his lack of a filter, it can’t be the first time).

“where are you guys going?” vanessa continues the conversation as if adam never interrupted.

hailey continues filling in her paperwork. “we’re just going to grab a drink at a bar downtown. really simple. we’ve only met like twice.”

jay can’t listen anymore; it’s starting to cause him physical pain.

he stands from his desk abruptly and goes back to the break room with his coffee mug. there were so many emotions swarming his brain, he isn’t even sure what to think.

he’s interrupted by adam entering the break room.

“hey buddy,” he greets with a smirk. “how’s it going?”

“shut up.”

adam pours himself some more coffee, while jay sulks by the window. “you know this could all be easily avoided.”

“i don’t know to what you are referring to.”

adam rolls his eyes. “if you just told her how you felt, she wouldn’t even think twice about going on this date.”

“i do not comprehend the words that are coming out of your mouth.”

at his stubbornness, adam just stares disapprovingly. “fine; you can be like that. i’ll be sure to ask hailey to share the details of her date out loud, in graphic detail.”

jay’s jaw drops at the pure evil smirk gracing adam’s features. what an ass, jay thinks.

kevin walks in, but stops when he notices the tension in the room. “shit, is this about upton’s date?”

jay throws his arms up in exasperation and bumps his head against the wall, in hopes that it’ll spontaneously knock him out and when he wakes up, it’ll be next week.

“yeah, it is,” adam replies, handing kevin a mug of coffee (these detectives looooove their coffee). “i keep telling him this is so simple. if he just told her how she felt, she wouldn’t have to go on dates with randoms and i could win my $100 dollars.”

jay quirks an eyebrow at adam’s words. he doesn’t even look ashamed, while kevin looks a little sheepish. “there is a bet going on about you two, but it really isn’t important.”

“no, what’s important is you marching in there right now and declaring your love for her,” adam replies, motioning to the bullpen. “and then i can buy drinks tonight with my well earned $100.”

jay knocks his head against the wall again.

“no,” he mumbles.

“what’s that?” adam quirks an eyebrow. “you’ll do this for me because you absolutely adore me?”

jay shakes his head. “nope; this isn’t happening. i am going to avoid my problems,” adam groans, “and we’re going to have a guy’s night tonight.”

“a guy’s night?” kevin asks, biting his lip.

jay nods his head. “yes. i need this. this will take my mind off hailey…” he gulps in distaste, “and her date.”

“fine. but you’re buying,” adam replies, clapping jay on the back as he exits.

jay frowns. “i thought we could each pitch in for a round. do you understand how much you drink?”

“do you want our help or not?” adam smirks, popping his head back in.

“fine,” jay grumbles.

adam smirks cheekily, while kevin just shakes his head in amusement. “fantastic. i’m feeling extra thirsty today.”

“i hate you.”

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the rests of jay’s day continued on smoothly. he didn’t get much of a chance to be alone with hailey and chat, due to their lack of cases. she mostly focused on her paperwork and as much as he adored vanessa (she was adorable, how could anyone not?) she also didn’t leave hailey’s side for the day. too much excitement over hailey’s “get together with a colleague”. jay refused to call it a date, even in his mind.

instead, adam, kevin and him went straight to molly’s after the end of their shift, because the sooner jay could start drinking, the better. they were on round two (paid by him of course because adam conveniently “forgot” his wallet) when will walked in. he already had a wild smirk in his face, as he made a beeline straight towards them.

“alright, which one of you idiots called him?”

adam scoffs. “i don’t even know the chicago med number, much less will’s extension of 3778.”

“once again: i hate you.”

kevin snickers, bumping fists with adam. the two of them were enjoying this far too much.

“good evening gentlemen! looks like you all got started without me?” will teases, taking off his jacket and stealing a stool next to jay. he flags herrmann down and asks for another round. “add it to jay’s tab,” he says with a wink.

jay merely tips his bottle up in cheers and herrmann just smirks.

“alright, so why are we here?” will asks, narrowing his eyes at his younger brother.

jay opens his mouth to reply but kevin beats him to it, “upton’s going out on a date tonight.”

“and jay is handling it very well actually,” adam says, much to jay’s surprise. “he only spilled coffee all over his desk when he found out.”

will is laughing and jay is dying inside. he needs to find new friends.

“i’m sorry; are we here to distract me or sit around and talk about our feelings?”

will hands him a fresh new bottle and says, “copy you.”

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it had only been an hour, but boy, they could drink.

they kept their drink of choice mostly to beers, with adam and kevin venturing out to a few shots. but the more jay drank, the more he realized, he didn’t want to get completely plastered. while they didn’t talk about hailey and what she was doing, she was always in the back of his mind. it was stupid, he knew that. he could just talk to her; he could just tell her how he was feeling.

however, the idea of him telling hailey how he felt about her seemed equivalent to drinking car battery acid.

but then he sees a flash of blonde hair enter the bar and his bottle slips from his grip.

“jay, what the hell?” adam groans, clumsily reaching across the bar to grab some napkins to soak up the spill.

jay is too distracted to care. “hailey,” he chokes out, his mind growing fuzzy.

“yes, i know. we’re not supposed to talk about her,” he replies, rolling his eyes.

will reaches around jay (who is dumbly staring at his partner making her way over to them) to smack adam’s arms. “no dumbass, it’s hailey,” he informs him, watching as adam turns around and his mouth falls into an o. “hey hailey, how are you?” he asks politely.

“hey will, i’m good, thanks. how are you?”

it’s true that most of them were severely inebriated but even in that state, they could tell that she was full of shit. she was not good. her eyes were tired and her smile was fake, but they couldn’t tell why.

“good, thanks,” he replies slowly, sizing her up with his eyes. “actually, we were just leaving, right boys?”

kevin shoots her a smile. “yes, we were. because i’ve had a little too much tequila and it’s time for bed.”

“me too,” adam smirks, nearly falling off his stool and grabbing onto hailey’s shoulders to keep upright. “i don’t really need to go home,” he tries to whisper but he’s failing miserably, “we’re just leaving so you and jay can talk.”

jay drops his head against the bar and groans loudly.

“ooookay,” will laughs, grabbing adam’s arm and transferring his weight onto him from hailey. “kev and i will make sure he gets home safe. goodnight, you two!”

jay keeps his forehead nailed to the bar, even when he hears hailey sit in the stool next to him.

“jay,” she says quietly.

he automatically lifts his head and looks at her (how can he not? she looks gorgeous).

“how did your date go?”

a corner of her lip lifts sadly. “it didn’t.”

“what?” he snaps, much quicker than he should have. he winces but he’s too curious to care.

hailey absentmindedly begins playing with one of the old beer bottles left on the counter to distract herself; it also helped to not make eye contact with him (his eyes are just too much for her). “yeah, it didn’t end up happening. he never showed.”

“what?” jay repeats again, this time with a bit more edge in his tone.

the fact that someone stood hailey up (even though he was against this date from the beginning) severely pissed him off.

“yeah, i don’t know,” she replies sheepishly.

jay frowns. “what the hell? that’s not okay.”

“it’s fine, jay,” she protests, because of course she does.

“it’s not fine!” he replies, feeling himself getting riled up. “that’s not okay because you deserve the fucking world.”

hailey looks at him, her big blue eyes staring at him emotionally.

“god hailey, you deserve so much. you’re the best person i’ve ever known.”

hailey blushes, which is extremely rare, and she doesn’t like it. but it’s jay.

“you’re drunk, jay,” she mumbles, busying herself with cleaning up the counter.

jay stops her by grabbing her wrist; her blue eyes turn to him, nervous. “no, i’m not. i’ve never been so sure of myself.”

hailey doesn’t reply.

“i really didn’t want you to go on that date. fuck, i even spilled my coffee because i was so caught off guard.” she’s laughing at him and it puts him more at ease. “i just—god, i am so horrible at expressing my feelings. but i didn’t want you to go on a date, because i don’t want you to go on any dates, with anyone.”

hailey raises an eyebrow.

“anyone but me, of course.” there. it’s finally out there. “i was so jealous, hailey. i needed the guys to bring me out tonight and distract me so i wouldn’t ping your cell phone and crash your date. honestly, i really did think about it but then i’d have to explain why and clearly i’m so bad at this and you can stop me at any time, please.”

jay finally stops talking, but hailey isn’t saying anything. that makes him nervous.

“i was wondering how long it would take you to admit your feelings.”

that is definitely not what he was expecting.

“um, what?”

“i’m not an idiot jay!” she laughs. “you are the least clumsiest person i’ve ever met. the fact that you spilled your coffee right after my date was mentioned was definitely no coincidence.”

jay frowns. “you mean i’m not a master at hiding my emotions?”

“no, you are,” hailey snorts, “but so am i, and it takes one to know one.”

“since i’ve just spilled my heart out to you, what do you have to say to me?” he teases in a light but nervous manner. he can’t tell much from her reaction what she’s feeling.

she doesn’t say anything, she just stares at him with an unreadable expression.

he’s about to throw in the towel and take everything back, but then she throws herself off her stool and into his body. her lips meet his in a surprise kiss and surprise is an understatement.

jay’s inebriated brain takes a moment to register what is actually happening, but once he does, he surges forward with a ferocity that nearly knocks him off his own stool. hailey keeps the kiss short and pulls away, but doesn’t move from her newfound spot in between his knees.

“that was amazing, but i’m going to need some verbal confirmation,” jay teases, unable to tear his eyes away from her sheepish expression and rosy cheeks. he’s sure he’s smiling, but he isn’t sure he’ll be able to stop for the duration of the night.

hailey leans her forehead against this chest for a moment. “of course i like you, jay. don’t ask me why, i honestly couldn’t tell you.”

“you can’t tease me right now hailey, i am literally on top of the moon,” he says, and it’s too adorable, she can’t do anything but laugh.

hailey happily nuzzles into the crook of his neck and stands there as he holds her. she’s quiet for several moments, until she sighs and says, “looks like i owe ruzek a hundred bucks.”

jay’s eyes widen at the insinuation of her statement, but all he can do is join her in a laugh.

[vln-vibes]

The Raven and the Robin

Yeah so I’d like to blame certain parties such as @ladyanput @virgil-is-a-cutie For getting me back into Ever After High Hell.

Summary: Raven King was tired of everyone comparing her to her mother instead of seeing her for herself, its why she opted for castle schooling instead. Unfortunately it was the year of Legacy Day so she couldn’t make anymore excuses. Besides Evil Queen wasn’t her role; her family knew she was going to be the Good King but well... the Evil Queen wasn’t available. They didn’t know what happened to the King-Queens and preferably no one outside of their circle of trust would find out.

It was the year of Legacy Day…. Then again Legacy Day was done almost 15-20 years after one, depending on how long those fairy tales had taken to have children.

You know Raven didn’t need to think of the logistics of this already stupid thing.

She never liked the fact that everyone expected her to be just like her mother, the Evil Queen of the previous generation who’d gone rouge and nearly destroyed Wonderland, Mara Queen. People tended to forget that she disowned her mother; after everything she did to her, to the kingdom, to Wonderland, to everyone… to her family. Raven didn’t like thinking of the Evil Queen, having long since distanced herself from the stern but loving Mara Queen, as her mother, ever since Prince had been turned into a rat and Robin had….

“Would you two stop fighting?! Peas and crackers!” Maddie’s outburst had interrupted Raven’s spiral, her Wonderlandian friend just as mad as she usually was. Well her father was The Mad Hatter.

“Um, who are you talking to?”

“Why, the narrators! Oh, you can't hear them, Raven, only I can.” Of course there were narrators, Raven gave a small fond smile at her friend before sighing.

“It's just... Ah! I'm sick of everyone thinking I'm so "evil," because my mom was. It's not fair! They don’t even know the real me! They don’t even remember the fact that I was raised by the Good King” the next thing she knew her outburst of emotion caused all their things to levitate before quickly dropping. “Ah curses, not again”

“No one thinks you're evil. Hehe, now you're just talking crazy! La-la-la!”

“Daughter of the Mad Hatter calls ME crazy?”

“Would you stop with the worry-flurry? Besides, your new do is completely you! No one will tell which Tale you belong to” Raven had been worrying about the whole thing ever since she knew she’d have to enroll at Ever After High though her father had been able to pull some strings and get her excused during her first year, unfortunately Legacy Day prevented her from doing so again. As the duo walked up the stairs, Raven noticed the stares but they quickly brushed over her and focused on Maddie’s Wonderland madness.

Raven was relieved, she never met many other fairy tale characters outside of those who resided in her kingdom or family friends such as Cerise Hood, Ramona Badwolf or Hunter Huntsman. Raven hadn’t expected a visit from Madeline “Maddie” Hatter out of the blue, the girl just stating that the place was in need of a good tea party. She hadn’t left her side ever since.

Raven had long wavy ebony black hair with royal blue highlights in an upsweep, a silver circlet with a ruby in the middle framing her hair. She wore a black corset top with a sweetheart neckline, a white pencil skirt with a carmine red tail that reached her knees to it and a black leather jacket with carmine accents tying her outfit together

She didn’t fit the look people had for the daughter of the Evil Queen.

“See? They don’t even realize who you are!” Maddie cheered before a chime familiar to them both rang. “Yay, tea time! Earl Grey,” the little mouse squealed from atop of her cup hat and brought out the teapot “oh, you clever dormouse! Why, yes, this is a new dress.”

Raven just let herself get carried by the madness and took a seat next to her best friend forever after.

The first half of the first day of school had been… interesting. Her classes were pretty broad but Raven didn’t know what to think of them; Science and Sorcery, Castle Design, Grimmnastics and Muse-ic Class had been fun so far but it was tiring always being on alert to make sure no one learned of her last name.

Lunch was honestly a take of fresh air as she’d be able to hang out with her friends, Maddie, Cerise and Hunter.

Then an unexpected visitor came.

“Hey, uh Raven! Right?” Raven took a good look at the guy in front of her light skin, brown hair with a cowlick and deep rich blue eyes; though it was a shame that his glasses blocked out most of their beauty.

“Y-Yeah. You’re in my Science and Sorcery Class, right?” Raven wanted the Earth to swallow her as she found herself alone with a cute boy as she waited for her friends to finally come to the table.

”Uh-You look gort... I mean great. I-I don't even know what gort is…”

“Well, I'd offer you a seat, but we don’t exactly know each other. To sit here you'd have to be pretty—”

Suddenly screams and squeals could be heard from the castleteria entrance, mostly from the girls, and flashing lights from the center of the group.

“Daring”

“What? No, Raven, I'm Dex, Dexter Charming! Daring's my bro…” while the two had gone back to their conversation neither realized the epicenter of the screams had come to their direction until Dexter felt a familiar heavy pat to the back “ther. Oh, gort.”

“Why, Once upon a hi! I’ve never seen you around here, are you a new student?” Raven had to resist the urge of rolling her eyes, not wanting to make a bad impression, as she could only guess who was behind her.

“Yep. You’re Apple White, daughter of Snow White, and Daring Charming, son of King Charming” Raven stated though Apple and Daring seemed to flourish at the recognition.

“I-uh I have to warn you: don't stare at the teeth. Just got them whitened” oh, so that's where the lights came from.

“You are royally correct! Who might you be?” Apple preened as Raven covered her eyes from Daring’s smile.

“I’m… Raven” the expecting looks from the trio annoyed Raven but she might as well get them over with “Raven King”

“Oh my good fairy! You must be another Royal” Apple cheered until they heard coughing from behind, Raven sighing in relief as she saw her friends.

“Sorry but you’re kinda in our way” Hunter shrugged, waiting for Apple and Daring to move before Cerise rolled her eyes and pushed past them to take her seat.

“Well then I think it's time for us to go to lunch boys! Spell you later, Raven” Apple practically commanded the two Charming boys to accompany her to the Royal table, though Dexter shot Raven a shy wave.

“Well I guess that was a nice first time meeting my niece” Raven joked as they finally began eating their food.

“She sure is something alright” Cerise rolled her eyes before beginning on her large steak.

“For what is she without her people and crown? To which do not approve of Wonderland do” Maddie added along, taking out another cup from her hat.

“She used to be a lot more chill at the beginning of last year” the hooded girl explained, cleaning up from her meaty meal with a dainty napkin “But she started getting fidgety when there was no EQ in the student body. That’s when she really started firing up the whole Royals v Rebels and following your destiny thing”

“Right. So what are Royals?”

“I thought we went over this,” Hunter whispered before explaining “It's everyone who wants to sign their Destiny on the Storybook of Legends and follow their stories. We’re Rebels, the ones who’d rather find their own way in life, though we’re probably going to sign too”

Raven woke up the next day to Maddie’s breakfast tea time alarm chiming; she really wasn’t looking forward to rehearsal today. She didn’t know her well but Apple White was certainly overbearing; Kingdom Management was practically overtaken by Apple hogging the spotlight and not letting anyone else speak. The only good thing out of it was that she was able to talk to the Charming twins; Dexter and Darling.

“So, when your magical key appears, you insert it gently into the Storybook of Legends, then stand, shoulders back, and declare your destiny to the world! Have I made myself clear?” Headmaster Grimm, descendant of the original Grimm Brothers, spoke to the student body.

“Headmaster Grimm, but what if…” Raven knew she couldn’t, wouldn’t, sign the book unless Robin was around, her decision would alter his and she couldn’t just𑁋

“No questions? Good. Now, we're going to practice with this tiny Manual of Entirely Reasonable School Rules. Who will go first?”

Raven waited nervously as each one of the students scheduled for Legacy Day passed up to the podium; Briar Beauty, Rosabella Beauty, Jillian Beanstalk, Daring, Dexter and Darling Charming, Kitty Cheshire, Hopper Croackington II, Humphrey Dumpty, Ashlynn Ella, Farrah Goodfairy, Maddie, Lizzie Hearts, Cerise, Sparrow Hood, Hunter 𑁋

“Raven… King”

Raven could feel the stare of Headmaster Grimm as she walked up to the podium.

“I'm Raven King and I pledge to follow my destiny as... um... I have a question!”

“What is it?” Raven could tell that she was getting on the Headmaster’s nerves and knew that her next question would definitely cause a ruckus but…

“I was just wondering, I mean, what if I don't want to take the pledge?”

Raven definitely had to have seen all the gasps and screams of horror coming. Grimm stomping up to her and facing her head on though was probably the more uncomfortable part.

“Here's your answer. If you don't pledge your destiny, your story ceases to exist.”

“Ceases to exist? So then... What happens to me?”

“You will cease to exist! Poof! Now, Raven, continue.” Raven could tell that the conversation was over, it reminded her of how she’d talk. She also knew that her next words would cause even more of an issue.

“I… I am Raven King, daughter of the Good King and I𑁋”

“You’re daughter of the Good King! That means- That means you’re my Evil Queen!” Apple squealed in delight, running up the steps and giving Raven the biggest hug she could. More gasps could be heard, even someone fainting, as Apple just began to ramble more and more on how hexallent it was that Raven finally revealed herself, how they’d be roomates to get to know each other and how she couldn’t wait to be poisoned and get her happily ever after just like their mothers.

“Do not compare me to that woman” Raven shook Apple off of her, she could feel her cerulean eyes glow and her hair float.

“I gotta go”

“But the rules are... The rules!”

“Destiny!”

Raven ignored all the yells and just made her way into the Enchanted Forest. She finally settled onto a log, watching on a tree as two black birds circled around their nest before one of them began to chirp at a bush underneath.

It was an injured bird. No. It was a dead bird.

Raven couldn’t help but cry.

“The Raven flies. The clouds, they sing! The Robin sleeps, with a broken wing. The Apple falls not far from the tree. But what should happen when the tide rolls in?”

AO3 Ko-Fi

[theeternalspace]

Absent Gods 1

I want to wish a really, really happy birthday to the all wonderful @i-will-physically-fight-you. You have been a really good friend to me ever since I was lucky enough to be paired with you all that time ago during a Big Bang.

Since it’s your birthday, I give you this gift. Logan and Virgil angst. I don’t know how many chapters it will be total, but I hope you will stick with me, one and all. Because Logan has some learnin’ to do!

This will have a happy ending. 

Masterpost

Title: Absent Gods and Silent Tyranny or: How Logan Learned to Stop Over Thinking and Love Everyone

Pairings: None / Platonic LAMP with Logan and Virgil focus.

Characters: Logan, Virgil and The Dragon Witch in this chapter.

Summary: Dr. Logic makes his living working for whichever Super Villain is willing to pay. At the end of the day it is a job where he can put his talents to work.

He certainly isn’t bothered by things like public morality or the definition of good vs evil. He doesn’t have time for things like that, although he accepts that he would be considered a ‘bad guy’. As far as Logan is concerned, it is a small price to pay for the benefits of proper scientific funding. 

But when his latest invention fails and his Boss decides to punish someone else for his mistakes, Logan is forced to reevaluate everything he thought he knew. 

And maybe accidentally make some friends along the way.

Warnings: Morally grey Logan - he doesn’t get it you guys. Threats of torture, angst. General Villainy. Being held captive. If I’ve missed any let me know. 

Previous || Next

~~~

There were many things that Logan didn’t understand about his boss. 

Her almost obsessive need for dramatics was just one of them. Admittedly, right now, it was fairly high up on the list of things he didn’t understand and wished he did. Mostly because right now he was sat in a chair with a ring of fire around it to keep him in place while she prowled backwards and forwards outside. Really, the whole thing was pointless since Logan hadn’t made a single attempt to leave. He saw no need, she had called him in for a meeting and so a meeting they would have. 

There were other things he didn’t understand about her. A lot of them were in some way connected to that dramatic impulse which ran through every action she took. It was as though being a villain intent on overthrowing the current ruling regime and replace it with her own rule wasn’t enough for her. She had to somehow stand out from the rest of the would be dictators and tyrants. Like many of them, she had decided to go dramatic to do so.

Logan was fairly certain that by trying to stand out, she just made herself fade more into the background because it was hard to tell her apart from any other cackling villain giving a monologue about their latest plan. 

Still, as far as super villains went, he had worked for worse. He had spent several particularly unpleasant years stuck as head ‘henchman’ for a particularly inept villain who considered himself a mad scientist even though it had been Logan who had done most of the work. Logan would have quit long ago if it hadn’t been for the awkward fact that he had accidentally agreed to let the man genetically tag him. Logan never made the same mistake twice however and he made doubly sure to read every contract before signing it. 

If it hadn’t been for the heroes eventually shutting him down and one of them wiping the hard drives that contained Logan’s bio-metric passport, he would still be stuck there, more a slave than anything else.

As it was, he had been able to escape in the confusion, quickly getting himself another job with another villain. 

Logan didn’t fool himself. He didn’t consider himself a particularly good person. Then again, he didn’t consider himself a particularly bad one either. He worked for her because the pay was good and because - for the most part - he agreed with her aims should she ever actually manage to take over the world. At this point, he was starting to wonder if she could even manage to take over the city. 

How hard could it be to take over a city? Not that Logan would ever question her on that. He valued his own skin too highly for that and he learnt almost right away that you didn’t insult or question the boss. 

It had led to many bitten cheeks over the years but that was a price Logan was willing to pay rather than being vaporised on the spot. Or worse, agonisingly tortured to death for insolence, like so many of his rather stupid colleagues over the years. 

Sometimes, he wondered why he had never taken the step to become a super villain in his own right. He could probably do a much better job of it that most of his employers. He wouldn’t waste time telling the heroes his plans. He would merely dispose of them and move on.  

Still, if he had done that, then he might never have met - no. Best not to think, to second guess himself in the hypothetical. 

It wouldn’t be death. He wouldn’t kill and that was one of the reasons why he was content to remain as a head scientist or tech in whatever evil organisation he was currently working for. With the aforementioned mad scientist excluded, all his previous evil employers had nothing but positive things to say about him. He had glowing references - in the case of the one from a radioactive villain, quite literally glowing. 

He didn’t particularly want to take over the world. The neat and logical order that would come with him ruling was a tempting prospect but Logan had no desire for all the work that came with it. He would be content with ruling his own little area as promised. 

Right now, however, he was seriously considering handing his notice in. Honestly, he had been considering the concept for a while now, ever since her latest... hire. He didn’t mind working with someone else so long as they either knew their place or could match him in intelligence. They could never do the later but they tended to fall into the former. Or else he convinced her to get rid of them. Logan never really lost much sleep over what ‘got rid of’ could mean in the context of a super villain. It was just part of life and he moved on from it.

But the latest helper had been different. He could almost match Logan in talent. If it wasn’t for the rather unfortunate little fact that he was a prisoner and being held against his will then they would have gotten along splendidly from the start. 

As it stood, it had taken them weeks to get past the rather frosty greetings each shift. The chains and guards probably didn’t help matters but Logan couldn’t understand why he was so opposed to making the best of a bad situation. It didn’t matter that he might not agree with her methods - he was her prisoner and it would be logical to go along with her wishes to save himself further pain.

Virgil hadn’t thought much of that logic. Which had resulted in more beatings that Logan had thought strictly necessary. He needed him intact for their work. 

Eventually, Virgil had settled into some kind of grumpy obedience, enough that they were able to converse - albeit still with a guard present - and make progress on various work orders from the boss. Logan had come to rather admire Virgil’s brain in those weeks and eventually something approaching a friendship had been formed. Enough that Logan could trust Virgil not to stab him in the back. Enough for him to be able to produce some very useful items for his boss. 

Enough to start to give him doubt about if it was... right, to keep Virgil here against his will.

He was safer here. There was little chance of attack because if there was one thing Ms Dragon Witch was good at, it was keeping her secret lairs, well secret. Virgil was the first ‘heroic’ prisoner she had ever brought to her base, and he was never allowed out of the lab or the cell he was kept in next to it. Logan had a horrible suspicion he was sedated whenever she wished to see him so that Virgil couldn’t learn the layout of the base. 

All the better for Virgil. The less he knew, the less danger he was in. The less chance there was that he would think to make an escape attempt - not that Logan thought Virgil was that foolish, he was too smart to risk himself on such a small chance of success. 

There were no fights down here, no chance of being caught in the crossfire. Just food, a roof and the chance to work on his projects. What more could anyone need?

According to Virgil, quite a lot. He wanted to go home, and he didn’t insult Logan’s intelligence by pretending that had changed. He wanted his brother and his other friends, no matter how idiotic he called them. He wanted to not be a prisoner. That last one, at least, Logan could sympathise with. 

But if Logan gave in his notice, there was no way that his Boss, would allow him to take Virgil as a leaving present. He was her prized possession, her trophy and she adored having him brought to her chambers to gloat about whatever recent mission that had gone well. It was all rather inconsiderate of her, since more often than not the two of them had been deep in work when the summons had arrived.

Not to mention how pale and shaken his assistant always was when he was eventually returned to him. Virgil would take hours and sometimes a whole day to recover and get back into the groove of things. He couldn’t help but wonder what exactly she showed him. 

More and more, he felt like there had to be something he could do to aid Virgil, but he had yet to come up with a plan that didn’t get them all killed. If only Virgil could be reconciled to his new life. If only his boss would stop tormenting him so Logan could convince him of the merits. If only his friend wasn’t being hurt every day while Logan simple worked on his projects. 

It was a worry in the back of his mind, nothing more. It wasn’t a distraction and he refused to allow himself to be sidetracked by anything. Logan certainly wasn’t using those thoughts as an excuse for what had happened earlier today when Dragon Witches attempted attack on City Hall had been thwarted by the heroes. Her escape had been a close thing, with Logan’s devices barely functioning. Certainly not as he had intended. 

So his invention had failed. It was bound to happen sooner or later. Not even a genius like Logan could claim to have a one hundred percent success rate as much as he might wish otherwise. He was convinced that it wasn’t malicious but merely creator - or more likely user - error. He would improve on them and the same mistake would never happen again. 

The problem seemed to be his bosses increasingly paranoid view of the world. And how she didn’t seem to believe him that it had been an innocent accident. Instead, she had summoned him for this meeting, threw flame around his chair and then started ranting. Accusing him of either sabotaging the devices himself in the hope she would be captured or turning a blind eye to allow Virgil to do it to his work. 

It was insulting to think that he would betray his own values so lightly. He worked hard for his money, he worked hard for his reputation. He wouldn’t sacrifice it for mere sentiment, no matter how increasingly unstable she was becoming. He would simply quit, as he had considered. He certainly wouldn’t allow Virgil to sabotage his work, no matter how uneasy he felt about their partnership because that would be sabotaging everything Logan held dear. 

A shame, he couldn’t help but feel that she failed to see the beauty in those logical thoughts. Or the truth in them. 

She stood a few paces in front of him, having finally stopped her relentless prowling backwards and forwards. Deceptively delicate looking hands rested on her hips as she stared at him over the flames. As always, she was dripping in jewellery, rings on every finger, multiple bracelets and bangles jangling on her wrists with every little motion. Logan had always wanted to point out the fact that she made noises with her jewellery when she moved probably didn’t help her plans to be stealthy.

Once again, a healthy respect for his own skin staying intact had kept him quiet. Just as he kept quiet about the hideous fashion choice that was her ‘uniform’. A tight fitting gold and silver dress with a slit almost up to her waist might be her idea of seductive but as Virgil had once so rightly described her, she looked almost... tacky, than anything else. Coupled with the high heels she insisted on wearing, it certainly wasn’t a practical outfit but he swallowed down the biting comments he wished to say. 

Working for a super villain could be so exhausting sometimes. 

“So you still refuse to admit your guilt Dr. Logic?” 

“I cannot admit to something I didn’t do Ms Dragon Witch.” There was no point in losing his temper even now. She would have to see reason eventually. All he had to do was explain things in smaller words until she eventually understood. He knew he was in the right and given enough time he was confident that he could convince her of that. All Logan had to do was stay alive long enough for her anger to fade and leave her more open to reason. 

“Fine,” she snapped. “You say you didn’t do it, thus logically you have nothing to be worried about it. In which case, I am sure you won’t mind what is about to happen.” One hand lifted into the air, the various bracelets making an all too familiar jingle jangle as they did. She didn’t say or do anything else but he had no doubt that the movement was a recognised signal for something. 

“Why?” Logan asked. He had to ask, he had to know. “What is about to happen?”

She smiled, something cold and empty. The fire that still raged around him seemed to be the only hot thing left in the room. Logan had thought he wanted her to calm down, to stop ranting and raving at him but now that she had done just that, he found her expression... disconcerting in the extreme. She was up to something. Her devious mind had been one of the attractions to accepting the job in the first place but he had never planned to be on the receiving end of her schemes. 

“I am not convinced of your honesty Dr. Logic. I think that little assistant I gave you has been messing with you. Maybe you don’t even realise what he has been doing hmm? Maybe you’re not as smart as you like to think and he’s been tricking you? Maybe you are falling for his poor little me act?” 

She was talking about Virgil, Logan realised with an unpleasant jolt. She was acting as though Virgil was manipulating him, that he was the victim here. 

Logan didn’t doubt that Virgil would take advantage of a situation like that if the opportunity presented itself to him. Virgil was a survivor and you didn’t become one of those by forever following the rules. He wanted to get out of here and back to the place that he called home. Of course he would leap at any chance. That didn’t mean there had been any chance for him to do that. Logan made sure that he wasn’t faced with any such temptation. 

And how dare she think that Logan would be that foolish as to fall for such a thing? Logan might have some latent sympathy for the predicament that Virgil found himself in but there was no way he would be so foolish as to help him. Not like that. Helping like that would only lead to pain. Logan was keen to keep both of them away from that. 

Also, he was just smarter in general than to be fooled by someone trying to sabotage his work behind his back.

“I can assure you that you are incorrect. My work was not tampered with, either by myself or my assistant. Sometimes projects do not work as well as intended. Surely you can appreciate such a fact?” 

It was cutting perilously close to the bone, to make such a comment. To remind her of all her own failures. Logan however, was starting to become a little desperate. He couldn’t decide if the way she ignored him was a good thing or not. Dragon Witch curled some of her dark brown hair between her fingers, twisting it into a tighter and tighter circle as she carried on speaking. Her voice was light, almost musing but no less deadly because of that. 

“Either way I’m going to have to punish him for your failure.”

It was my failure!” Logan protested. He tried to ignore how his heart leapt into his mouth at the sight of the still form of Virgil being dragged into the room. The purple haired man was held by his arms, hanging limply between two of her guards, head bowed. It didn’t comfort Logan to get confirmation of his theory that she kept him unconscious from room to room. Normally, being proved right was a sure fire way to cheer Logan up. It settled and reassured him. 

Seeing Virgil in such a weakened state didn’t do that this time. 

“Ah the guest of honour,” she purred, turning away from Logan, her attention momentarily lost by the new arrival. It gave Logan a chance to shift a little in his seat, trying to get a better view of Virgil. It was hard to tell over the flames but he was confident that Virgil was at least breathing - it remained to be seen if that would actually be a good thing or not. 

Ms Dragon Witch clicked her fingers, pointing towards another chair, set in perfect symmetry to Logan’s own. There was a circle of dust around it, powder that Logan knew could turn to flame at a moment’s notice. How he had failed to notice it before was beyond him, but then again, his attention had been fixed on the danger in front of him. Not the seating arrangements opposite him. 

Virgil was deposited none too gently in the chair, his head still slumped forward on his chest. 

“Finally, time to play. What do you say Dr. Logic? Shall we test some theories?”

“Theories?” Logan repeated back to her, gaze darting between his boss and his assistant. The flames had to be getting to him at last, because he could feel sweat beads springing up along his forehead. “I am a man of science, you know I am always interested in proving or disproving theories.” 

“Excellent! Let’s find out just what happened shall we? And how long it takes for my little toy to scream this time.” 

Her smile was as unsettling as before, sharp and cutting. She threw back her head and laughed, a super villain finally indulging herself to her limit. Logan had seen her in these moods before, but he had never been on the receiving end of one. He had always known better but now, through no fault of his own it appeared as though he was about to get a taste of her at her worst. 

Or was it, Virgil was about to learn just how evil she could actually be? 

For perhaps the first time in his life, Logan finally found something that he didn’t want to know the answer to. 

[redhoodieone]

Don’t Tell Me Part 2

A/N: Okay…here we go! This chapter answers the burning, dramatic questions like: How did Jason and Y/N realize they’re in love with each other? What was their first time “making love” like? And, now that they know they’re having a baby, what’s next for them?

 Warnings: Language, smut, baby making…etc…

  Y/N’s Point of View I know I’m in a lot of trouble. I’d be stupid to ignore that I haven’t had my period in two months. It’s going on three months now, and it’s only a matter of time before anyone suspects I’m pregnant. All I wear is loose blouses and t-shirts, and black yoga pants to slim my little bump that’s beginning to show. But lucky for me, no one’s said a word. I’m living in a house full vigilantes and detectives and not one of them as figured it out yet; not even Alfred (who knows absolutely everything about everyone.) Just thinking about being pregnant is frightening enough. I honestly never thought I would be a mother since my own mother had abandoned me as a teenager, and I had lived off on the streets until I got a job at Bat Burger and could afford to live in a cheap apartment nearby. My own father walked out on us, before my mother bailed with her new boyfriend to Atlantic City. Ever since then, I knew families were stupid and only for those who are blessed and do nothing wrong ever. I was never exactly innocent as a kid. My history is as sketchy and dirty as any other scum in Gotham. I stole a lot as a kid, since I never got to have new toys or products, since mother and I were lower than low class. I have stolen clothes, makeup, sneakers, and even food when I felt I deserved better. It did feel good to steal, but once I got home with all my “new” stuff. I felt guilty, and awful even. So, maybe this was a punishment for me. Maybe this is what was going to happen since everyone in my family had fucked up more than once. I deserved it all, and I still do. I’ve even gotten myself pregnant...with a guy I’ve been fucking behind my boyfriend’s back for over a year. And to top it off, it’s his brother’s child...who I’m secretly in love with. When did it happen? How did it happen? And why did it happen? Since I can feel safe and tell the truth in my head, I suppose it happened the right after Jason’s birthday, after Tim and I made it to our one year anniversary. Dick, Tim, and Damian decided throw Jason a surprise party at the Manor. Jason had been complaining he didn’t want to do anything for his birthday, and even threatened his brothers if they planned anything, he would shoot them in their kneecaps (I love that kind of threat he would make lol) and make sure they wouldn’t patrol for a year. But of course, the brothers threw Jason the biggest and outrageous surprise party. Many people went, including Clark Kent and Lois Lane, as well as Jason’s best friends Roy Harper, Kori, Artemis, and Bizarro. I heard it was the biggest party since Bruce’s birthday party. But unfortunately, I couldn’t make it to the party. Many employees at Bat Burger were suffering from stomach flus, and I had to fill in and work overtime, including long nights. I was really disappointed. I really wanted to go and meet the other superheroes I’ve never met but only heard of, but I wanted to keep my job. Tim was really disappointed, too. I heard from Barbara that he mostly hung around his brothers all night, because he really wanted me there. If anything, I assumed Tim, Alfred, Bruce, and Dick missed me a lot. Damian was probably glad I didn’t show up to hang all over Tim. But Jason missing me? No fucking way. Especially since I figured he would have hooked up with Artemis or some other bimbo I don’t know about. But from what I heard from everyone; the party was a success. The food, drinks, and music was amazing, and everyone partied until one in the morning, before Alfred shooed everyone away because he was exhausted after preparing for the party. I had just gotten home around 2 that same morning; sweaty, sleepy, and sick of smelling like Joker fries. After a struggle, I managed to take a shower, and climb into bed for at least 6 hours until it was time to go back to work. My eyes were closed. My breathing is calm. I could just fall asleep until... “You missed my party.” I open my eyes, and quickly sit up in shock to see Red Hood sitting on the window sill. Jason was in complete Red Hood costume, and the way his body was facing me seemed tense and anxious. “I’m sorry I didn’t go. I had to work. A lot of people are sick with the stomach flu,” I explained. “It would have been better if you were there, though,” Jason replied, his voice scrambler making his voice deeper and a little more frightening. “How? All your friends were there, right?” I asked. I wonder why Jason’s acting more stranger than usual. “I seriously doubt my presence would have changed anything.” “It would have, believe it or not. I see you as a close friend. It just...it would have been better if you were there,” Jason said, his voice sounding painful. He stands and turns to leave, but I find myself jumping off the bed to stop him. “Wait! Just wait a minute!” There I was in my short dark blue pajama shorts and white tank top, dressed for bed in this hot August night. Red Hood finally turns to face me, his white lenses take me by surprise. I force myself to look up at him, and hope he’s looking back at me. “Why are you so upset about me not being there for your birthday party? Didn’t you have fun with your family and friends? Didn’t you enjoy the food, drinks, cake, and music? Didn’t you love all your gifts, even though you’ll bitch about them later, and all the other fun memories you made tonight? Didn’t you get everything you wanted?” I asked, pleading for him to see his birthday party wasn’t all so bad. He raises his hands up to his helmet, and removes it. I’m now face to face with Jason Todd. I can see his sweat covered face with some of his dark hair matted to his forehead. His blueish, grey eyes full of life and mischief, and the strong jawline that defines his handsome masculine features. He’s breathing hard, and his body trembles a bit. The pupils in his eyes dilate, when they find mine. “No, no I didn’t get everything I wanted, Y/N...” Jason’s voice breaks; it shatters my heart to see him in so much pain and anger. “Because what I want will never be mine.” “What are you talking about?” I barely whisper. “What do you want, Jason?” “All I want is you, doll.” Our lips touch. It was like fireworks were shooting throughout my body, from my toes to my head. His lips against mine felt perfect; as if everything in our lives were just normal and peaceful. The second Jason opens his mouth to mine, we savagely allow our tongues to mingle and search through each other’s mouths as if this was our last time to ever kiss. Savoring each other’s taste. Savoring each other’s touch. Savoring each other’s heat. The moment has me weak. “I want you too, Jay...” I whisper softly. Jason pushes me down on the bed, and straddles me. He lifts up my tank top, and dives down to suck, lick, and bite my nipples. He massages my breast, as he whispers how he loves me braless. Our mouths find each other’s again, and I take the initiative to roll us over so I can straddle him. I miss this. I miss skin on skin contact. I miss the heat between two bodies. I slip out of my pajama shorts and panties, so I’m completely naked on Jason. He growls and runs his hands all over my body. I moan louder at every touch. “Fuck Y/N...you’re so fucking beautiful...” Jason groans. He removes his boots, pants, shirt, and jacket in no time. Only in his boxers, I straddle him once more and I begin to grind against his hard bulge. We swallow each other’s moans through our kisses, and I can feel myself staining his boxers with my juices. I start kissing and licking his neck and chest until Jason lifts my head up. “Stop...” Jason pants. The guilt in his eyes says it all. He wants this, but he remembers why he can’t exactly do this with me. “What about Tim?” Tim. My boyfriend Tim? “Oh my God...what am I doing?” I ask, panicking to the point where I climb off him and cover myself with my sheets. “How could I be doing this to him? He’s my boyfriend. He’s my sweet loving boyfriend, and I’m doing this to him.” “I know, I can’t believe what I’m doing, either. As much as I give Timbo shit a lot, this is probably the worst thing I could do, and I don’t think I could do it,” Jason admits as well. “Tim’s such a great guy. He’s a good guy. He’s a nice guy and here I am, practically throwing myself on his hot older brother because I haven’t had sex in a year, and I’m horny as fuck!” I cry out loud. Covering my teary eyes, I curse myself for being such a slut. “I’m such a goddamn slut...” Jason’s hands remove my own from my face. There are tears in his eyes, too, and I wonder why he’s crying. “If anyone is at fault...I’m guilty as well. I mean, fuck!” Jason snaps, and kicks his boots to the wall. He frowns, and wipes his tears. “What kind of a brother am I? What kind of brother falls in love with his little brother’s girlfriend? I’m not fucking saying I’m a saint, because I know I’m not and never will be one, but this has got to be the most evil thing I’ve ever done. Tim’s...a great guy. He...gave me a second chance and has always been there for me and look at me now, I’m sitting next to the most beautiful and kind woman I’ve ever met.” Jason then moves to the floor, and pushes himself between my legs. His face is full of sadness, hurt, and love... “You...never judged me. You know about every horrific, devastating, and evil thing I have done, and yet...you still became my friend,” Jason whispers, his voice cracking at the end. “Why? Tell me why, Y/N. Why do you still like me even when I’ve never and will never like myself?” The tears fall from my eyes. “Because you want to be a good person, and that’s just as good as already being a good person in the first place,” I whisper back. Our teary eyes stay on each other’s, until our lips slam against each other’s. Our moans sound pained, and our hands grip each other’s bodies, and we fall back onto the bed. The sheets are off me, and feeling Jason on top of me is making me breathe harder. I run my hands over his strong muscular arms, and chest; feeling every hard inch of him. Jason quickly gets out of his boxers, and I practically whine when his thick, hard cock rubs against my pussy. “How long has it been for you?” he whispers in my ear, before kissing my neck. “A-a year,” I choke out. “Fuck doll...why hasn’t he touched you like this or take you the way I want to take you right now?” “I-I don’t know. Maybe I’m not...” I moan against his two fingers slipping into my aching, wet pussy, while his thumb rubs against my clit. “Maybe I’m not good enough for him.” Jason stops his movements, and looks into my eyes. “Don’t ever say that again, Y/N. You’re so fucking perfect. You’re so kind to those who don’t deserve it. You’re funny, smart, and you sure know how to get a guy’s heart racing. You’re so perfect that I don’t even know how someone like me can be on top of you...wanting to make love you until you can’t scream or walk anymore. If anything, you deserve the best.” “You deserve the best, Jay,” I say truthfully. “Then so do you, Y/N.” “But Tim just doesn’t want sex-“ “Then you deserve someone who can pleasure you the way you can pleasure them,” Jason says softly, as he kisses me once more. “Do you trust me, Y/N?” “I do...” I moan against his lips. “More than anyone...” Jason then slips inside me; stretching me to the fullest and stalling when our breathing is heavy. There’s no foreplay, no teasing, and no patience. With one arm supporting himself near my head, the other rubs against my hips, as I begin to meet his thrusts halfway. My hair is spread all out on the pillow, and I imagine my lips are red and chapped from our kissing, but Jason just watches me with hooded eyes. “Jaybird...” I moan out. A grin takes over his face. “Fuck! I love it when you call me that!” he gasps out. I wrap my legs around his waist, and he begins to really pound into me. The way his cock is stroking my walls, he’s hitting a sensitive but sensational spot that I need to feel now more than ever. “Baby girl...you’re so fucking tight and wet. I-I wanna stay inside you all the fucking time now.” I take the initiative to kiss him; more passionately than before. One of my hands caresses his faces, as he other run along his scars and bruises on his chest and shoulders. Jason pulls away to release a long, needy moan. “Oh God, Y/N...you’re so good to me...” Jason whispers against my lips. “You deserve it, Jay,” I whisper back. “But you’re just...Fuck doll, you’re so fucking good to me,” Jason groans, kissing me again, as he starts thrusting harder, faster, and deeper in me. One of his hands moves down and begins to rub fast circles on my clit. “I wanna feel you cum all around me, baby girl. I wanna make you cum so hard.” With Jason’s thumb rubbing harder against my clit, and his thick delicious cock continuously hitting my g-spot, I begin to breathe harder and my pussy clenches and unclenches tightly around Jason’s cock. I throw my head back onto the pillow, revealing my neck and chest for Jason to kiss as I cum all over his cock. My orgasm is strong, and it makes me wrap my legs around his waist painfully. “Jay! Oh God! Fuck!!!!” I moan louder. “Fuck doll, y-you made a mess all over my cock,” Jason pants, and squeezes my my hips while his last few thrusts are harder and faster than before. “Next time, I-I’m gonna eat your pussy and lick your cum off until you’re begging me to fuck you again and again.” His thrusts come to a sudden stop, and he cums inside me. Jason moans my name, and a list of swear words. He groans heavily, and kisses me until we’re both out of breath. Once he pulls out of me, Jason pulls me beside him, and cuddles with me. Jason kisses my forehead, and nuzzles his face into my shoulder and neck. I kiss his shoulder, and he finally gives me a serious look I’ve never seen before. “No one can ever know about this, Y/N.” “I know, especially Tim,” I agree sadly. The guilt already eating me alive. “But it’s not the last time we’re doing this right?” Jason asks, his grip tightens around me. “I don’t want this to be the last time,” I confess. “I don’t want it to be the last time either,” Jason admits. My eyes lock into his. “Jay...the way I feel about you...” “Y/N...” Jason pauses, and takes a deep breath. “Whether you want to hear this or not, I-I have to say it out loud or it’s going to fucking eat me alive. I love you, Y/N.” The way Jason confessed his love for me makes my heart beat faster to where I can’t breathe or think. I feel the same way, and as guilty as I already am, I have to be honest, too. “I love you too, Jason. I love you so much,” I confess, and our lips touch again. And that’s when we betrayed Tim for the first time. And it wasn’t the last time, either. I close the bedroom door, and I lie down to rest. Tim is out on patrol with Bruce, Dick, and Damian; while I have informed them I’m down with the stomach flu and need to rest up. My hand rubs the little bump that will soon hold and protect the baby I’ll have soon. A gloved band moves to mine, and touches the bump as well. “It’s...mine,” Jason whispers. He knows, and he’s stating it as if I have forgotten. “I know,” I reply. “When will we tell him? Tell all of them?” “I don’t know...” I respond, unable to keep my voice steady. Jason sits beside me, and kisses me. The way he kisses me calms the nerves, and the threatening storm of our guilt and mistakes above us, if only for a moment. “I...I want you to know that this doesn’t change anything. I love you, Y/N, and I’m going to love this child, too,” Jason admits, before he kisses me one more time before he puts on his helmet. I turn to watch Jason stand up in all his Red Hood glory, as he faces me one last time. “Tim will understand...if we tell him everything. He’s not a hateful guy, and I know it’ll be hard as fuck to regain his trust, but I seriously doubt shit’s going to hit the fan. Trust me.” And on that stressful note, Red Hood left. So...what do you think? Should there be a Part 3??? Let me know, folks! 

[zukadiary]

Hoshigumi Small Theaters ~ Spring 2019

I am five entire shows behind on reviews and I hate it!!

But I finally make it to Kansai!! I conveniently managed to see these guys on back to back days upstairs and downstairs in the same building. If nothing else I think I am 500% more educated on Hoshigumi after this trip.

Man from Algiers / Estrellas 2.0

Man from Algiers ticks all the National Tour buttons—old, done many times, ambiguous time period (useful for traveling costume recycling, i.e. why not just use the rainbow sports jackets we need for Estrellas anyway!)—and while I’m not surprised that Coto can make just about anything good, I was a bit surprised at how much I enjoyed the show itself (this was the first time I’d seen it at all, which was a blessing as the surprise ending was my favorite part). 

I can definitely envision it in all its original 70s glory, and it made me wonder if they really just wanted to exploit a West Side Story aesthetic’s swoon-inducing abilities and came up with the plot later; the opening looks and choreography were awfully familiar. Am I saying it didn’t work?

No I am not saying that.

(And the resulting prologue number was really cool).

The story, while dated, was simple and easy to follow, and does a great job of making sure you understand each character’s motivation with minimal info (difficult AND clutch for one-acts). There’s a good summary on the wiki, I’m including spoilers not mentioned there.

Team National Tour is definitely the lighter side of the troupe split, especially with regard to upperclassmen, but I thought Algiers was a good fit for this particular arrangement of members, and everyone really nailed their characters. Most notable: 

Julien is a despicable person, and it’s a testament to Coto’s pure heart and brimming talent that she made him a totally valid protagonist, complete with moments that made my heart lurch a little (when his old friends are bullying him in his cute little chauffeur outfit; how quickly he abandons everything to stand by Sabine when everything goes to hell at the end). 

It was very weird first not to see Aichan in Ocean’s and then to see her hanging out with a percentage of Hoshigumi, but this cast needed her. Her Jacques (albeit very reminiscent of her Bernardo) was a good balance for Coto; they both played unsavory people, but Aichan playing bad has kind of a darker streak that suits the more evil friend well, whereas Coto playing bad still has an undercurrent of goodness that gets you fully on board with his journey to reform.

Otoha Minori as Sabine was a good choice not only for her abs in the gold night club bikini dress, but for her maturity, which lended sincerity to Sabine’s fantasy-level selflessness in her concern for Julien and her desire to watch over him. When she shoots Jacques in her dressing room to get him out of the way so he can’t interfere with Julien’s new life, I was so impressed that it read as an act of sacrifice (however excessive and stupid) purely out of love and desire to see Julien continue to grow and succeed, instead of “look at what I did for you, come back to me!”

Asamizu Ryou played Bollinger, the dude who takes Julien in and grooms him for upper-crust success, opposite not just Coto (her senpai) but Shirotae Natsu (her mega-senpai), and she did it with a surprising amount of gravitas. She’s got that face which definitely helps, but she was a little scary and exuded a lot of authority. Shirotae Natsu was hilarious as the extraordinarily airheaded wife, and her interjections may have even been singlehandedly responsible for keeping the pacing of the show brisk and entertaining. 

Sakuraba Mai played the Bollingers’ daughter Elizabeth. She was detestable, but in the way that indicates a great acting job. She’s at that awkward spot where it looks like she’s getting almost heroine weight roles in small theaters and disappearing in grand theaters. I hope they keep pushing her because she’s very strong.

Number one heartbreaker Kozakura Honoka (voice of an angel!) played blind Annabel, daughter of Kumichou/a very influential duchess. She mostly stays inside alone, and then Julien woos her with the intention of climbing the social/political ladder (while developing feelings for Elizabeth and also really never getting over Sabine). Annabel overhears Julien confessing his feelings to Elizabeth and asks her attendant Andre (Kiwami Shin, in love with Annabel) to let her kill herself. Honoka apparently put an immense amount of time and research into acting blind and it showed. 

Fellow American Sayaka Rin had probably the most lines she’s had yet, in a role formerly held by both Takashio Tomoe and Hyuuga Kaoru <3 

My personal MVPs of this show were Shidou Ryuu and Kiwami Shin, Shidou not even for doing anything particularly spectacular, but just just for having grown so much since I first became aware of her existence via the Koumori shinko 3+ years ago. She’s always going to be on the cute side rather than the devastating side IMO, but she’s developed enough confidence and control in her acting that she’s become a really lovable best friend/brother type; her character’s relationship with Julien and secret-but-obvious admiration of his far superior coolness was really adorable. Andre (Shin) isn’t a super juicy role until the very end, but the way Shin did Andre’s quiet breakdown when Annabel was explaining she didn’t want to live anymore, and then her poise when Andre came out of nowhere and shot Julien just as he and Sabine were trying to run away from shooting Jacques (?!??!) was like, my jaw actually dropped. Granted she’s still super young, but Shin isn’t someone who has thus far impressed me proportionately to the amount they’re pushing her, so this mini breakout was nice to see. 

Estrellas (a revue that I loved!), like all tour revues with less than half the cast and no staircase, felt quite small, at least from the B-seki side box. But in the smallness, normally unseen people get to shine, and there were moments that had me bouncing in my chair. Amato Kanon is going to grow up dangerous (if Tennis Daughter doesn’t just consume all the otokoyaku below 98th); in the opening with everyone else beaming she was smoldering. Aichan and Anru took Kai’s medley (with different songs) and made it a very cute douki thing. Sazanami Reira needs to dance closer to the front more often. Ruri Hanaka (who, bless her heart, cannot sing, at least not like a musumeyaku) somehow snagged Airi’s part in Tonight is What it Means to be Young, and despite the singing, absolutely killed it; that girl can DANCE and she’s got sass and arm muscles for days and a look in her eye like she’ll superglue you to your makeup table if you cross her. 

And boy, Coto looks good in that top position. The talent is really stupid, but on top of that she has such warmth. I’m really excited for her Hoshigumi.

Kamatari

Kamatari accomplished a feat, because admittedly I went in having already biased myself against it; I thought Beni and Airi getting a weird nihonmono for their last small theater was dumb and just about as NOT THEM as you can get.

But I take it back! It was lovely!

For starters it was visually stunning, which feels like the thing you say when you’re trying to convince yourself that you liked a nihonmono you didn’t actually understand a word of... but in this case, it really was just a bonus. The story (summary here) is not actually all that complicated, and the dialogue was even on the friendly side for nihonmono—no weird dialects (beyond what it always takes to decipher Beni), no 12th level keigo. 

Act 1 introduces Kamatari (Beni) and Soga no Iruka (Hanagata Hikaru) meeting as youths in school and developing a friendship, and then takes us, as far as I can tell, fairly historically accurately through the events leading up to and including the Isshi Incident. Act 2 was a little harder for me to follow; but it seems to be just a progression of Kamatari’s struggles living under the new post-incident emperor Naka no Oe (Seocchi), with whom he’d conspired to eliminate Soga no Iruka, and the former empress/Naka no Oe’s mother (Kuracchi), who wants to see Kamatari suffer, because she both loved Iruka and couldn’t side against her son. 

Most of the roles were pretty small so there are fewer standouts, but here they are:

This was the third in a progression of Hoshi shows I saw live (the other two being Another World and Elbe) that really helped cement my respect for Beni and Airi’s brand of chemistry. At the beginning of her top run, I was skeptical about Beni’s ability to generate romantic chemistry with anyone at all (Scarlet Pimpernel didn’t really help me with that, and I haven’t seen anything between that and Another World). They definitely don’t have sizzling hot chemistry, and they don’t have that cute newlywed chemistry either, but I noticed watching Kamatari that in the last few Hoshi things I’ve seen, I’ve found it very easy to believe how deeply Beni loves Airi in whatever world they’re portraying. They have like, comfortable old married couple chemistry (yes, even when they’re playing love at first sight). Their moments in Kamatari were very tender, but in a wholesome “aw, she cooked for him” kind of way. Yoshiko (Airi) also had a lovely part at the end, where the two of them are old, and Kamatari’s health is failing, and they go back to the spot where they met, and she says their life wasn’t always easy, and they suffered, and they struggled, but in the end she can honestly say she had fun, and she’s truly happy. I teared up! It was sweet and meta! That alone convinced me it wasn’t a bad last small theater for them.

Hanagata Hikaru was SO much the star of Act 1 that it had me wondering if this was gonna turn out to be HER taidan present (but then she died and didn’t appear in Act 2 at all). I can’t complain because she kicked ass. I feel like I said this exact thing re: Another World, but Mitsuru is normally about as vanilla as it gets for me, but she blew me away. The pompous genius school kid to the idealistic young man to the uncertainty that comes with the reality of seizing power to the change to tyranny mixed with love for the empress and complicated feelings for his childhood friend all flowed seamlessly.

Not that I’ve watched a ton of Hoshi recently, but this was the best role Tenju Mitsuki has gotten in GOD I can’t even remember how long. Esaka is in service of the (state? empire?) as a historical record keeper, and serves kind of as a narrator as well (along with Itsuki Chihiro). I don’t even know how to describe how she characterized him... he’s odd? Maybe a little off? Regardless, she was brilliant. Watch it.

Arisa Hitomi has that empress energy for sure. I read up on the history of the events afterwards, and the explanation of why she had to give up the throne after witnessing such violence (the idea back then that an empress couldn’t be sullied by such things), and that made the sensitivity with which Kuracchi portrayed her feel even more poignant the more I sat with it afterwards.

This was the first show where to me Seocchi felt like she belonged up there with Beni and Mitsuru. She definitely put some weight behind Naka no Oe and was very princely. NOW I wanna see her tackle a more interesting/challenging (and tbh more Hoshigumi) role from up in this spot. 

All in all now I’m a little sad I won’t be around for God of Stars.

[glorybcrn]

hihi everybody !! i’m kelly ( eighteen , she/her , mst ) and uh h ... i haven’t been in the roleplaying game for a hot minute but i’m really excited to be here n get back into it ! this is my garbage son gabriel who is technically an old muse ?? ngl i’ve dragged this poor binch to hell n back so if this intro kinda funky ... that why ....... also i may or may not be running on 3 hrs of sleep jfifjnck

◟ * ◊ ─ jason bateman + cismale + he/him » * believe it or not gabriel dombrova is working for the lothario family. they are forty seven years of age and are known to usually spend their time around city hall. the mayor, who has been a part of the alliance for sixteen years, has been living in victoria for forty seven years. the people closest to them describe the bisexual + capricorn to be driven and astute as well as reserved and unforgiving » 

background

— born and raised in victoria, despite not being a founding family, gabriel’s family still had relatively deep roots within the city; it was said that his great grandfather had moved here from massachusetts looking for the american dream. the patriarchal dombrova came from humble beginnings, building the family business ( a local inn ) from the ground up and over the decades it only got bigger and bigger until it had turned into the respectable hotel that it is known as today and now has multiple locations across the state of florida. naturally, his father inherited this business and his mother, on the other hand, is your typical southern belle, moved here from a small town in texas. she was a corporate lawyer ( it’s how she met gabriel’s father ) but since becoming a mother she really has had no interests in any other occupation other than trophy wife and socialite.

— to say that gabriel’s parents were old school would be putting it lightly. basically, both of his parents were deeply religious republicans and were very aware of their image as a family. they were harsh parents, extremely controlling when it came to their children’s lives but at the same time were also really emotionally absent. to this day they still believe that it was all in the name of tough love but obviously it was just emotional abuse. his father was especially hard on gabriel, he was a strong believer in physical discipline and thought gabriel to be too “soft”. he was always berating him, punishing him for petty offences, and pretty much just fostering your typical environment of toxic masculinity. though he never laid a hand on gabriel’s sister as she was what he called, “a lady” and his “pride and joy.”

— but gabriel was a good kid, he was obedient aside from stupid mistakes that kids are bound to make. he was your typical golden boy, a jack of all trades of sorts. not exceptionally good at one thing, but averagely good at a multitude of things. he was a quick learner and dedicated, anything he took a crack at, he eventually excelled in. throughout high school, he mostly kept to himself, choosing to focus on his education and after graduating valedictorian, he went to harvard where he earned his business degree. the plan was to come back to victoria, work for his father, and make his way up until he was ready to inherit the business himself.

— but while away at university, he met abigail. it was your typical whirlwind of a first love where it felt like it was just the two of you against the world. with her, gabriel experienced a sense of normalcy and sincere, unconditional love. for someone who severely lacked both up until then, maybe it wasn’t so crazy that the two decided to marry as soon as they graduated. together, they moved back to victoria to start their lives. to an outsider, gabriel’s life had seemingly always been perfect, envy-worthy. with a renowned and respected family, a successful business, the perfect wife, and now, a baby on the way too, it’s no wonder he’d been chosen by the lothario’s to be their candidate as mayor.

— his connection with the alliance started out small; the hotel business had been in a rough spot for a couple of years and out of nowhere, they seemed to have just come in at the right time, saving the day. he could be on their payroll all for the price of a few, teensy favours. favours such as his hotel being used as refuge for some of their men, a place of business when needed, and gabriel refusing to be a failure, especially in his father’s eyes, easily succumbed to their offer. 

— of course, gabriel’s family has no idea about the real root of his sudden interest in politics, much less how the family business has managed to be so successful still despite his now even busier schedule. and as a result, his relationship with his wife and children have deteriorated over the years. it began as a defense mechanism, intentionally distancing himself from his loved ones as a way to protect them. and while his children maybe the one last soft spot gabriel has left, his sudden absence as a father has definitely put a strain on his relationship with them. however his relationship with his wife seemed to suffer even more, things between the two of them are definitely not how they once used to be. they’re cold to one another and see each other more so as strangers rather than husband and wife. unfortunately, a divorce doesn’t exactly fit into the white picket-fence image gabriel had so carefully curated over the years. 

personality

— after decades of playing different facades, gabriel’s definitely lost a sense of his true self, or maybe it’s just fully gone. he used to be this really compassionate and benevolent person who always prioritized family over anything. it’s why ( at least this is what he tells himself ) he initially risked getting into business with the alliance in the first place, but now, he really only pretends to be those things to get the people to like him. he can be incredibly charming when he wants to be but it’s all just so .. hollow ? if that makes sense. like, nowadays there’s rarely an ounce of honesty or sincerity in him. he’s just so consumed with being a part of the alliance, it’s all he really knows at this point.

— extremely driven and cunning, if there’s something gabriel wants, he’ll get it. even as a child, he was an over achiever and so he’s known to always come through when it’s requested of him. he’s not exactly evil .. ? but he is loyal to the lotharios. i think there’s a small part of him that hates them, hates himself, and hates what he’s doing but idk he kinda just tells that it to shut up lmao. having had to learn it as a child, he’s very good at compartmentalizing which is probably why he can play all these different roles so well without going insane dnkjds

— really reserved, tries ( and succeeds ) to put out this strait-laced and conservative image. has the ability to remain calm in any sort of situation and twist things to his advantage. like honestly ?? gabriel is probably a pr manager’s wet dream .. he just comes across as this very charming and kind man, he’s the type of politician that’ll say hi to your baby and sign its head idk

but ugh idk it’s hard to explain gabriel’s personality since he’s such an emotional mess, i would just end up rambling about the same thing over and over again if i tried to keep going so i’m gonna .. stop right now.

connections

— personal assistant ?? someone incredibly organized and competent. this plot can range from really basic like .. yeah book my doctor’s appointment thnx to someone he’s actually pretty close to ? maybe he doesn’t even realize it, idk. like we can literally do wtvr w this, so !

— other members of the alliance, could be just someone he’s acquainted with or knows well and works pretty close with.

— if you have any muses involved with politics or managing ? his campaign manager or just anyone who worked on his campaign. like w the personal assistant we can .. go basic or brazy w this.

— love interests ? doesn’t have to be ~romantic~ per se .. but idk like affairs ig ?? cause .. gabe’s not perfect, rip. but he is careful so it wldn’t be like .. smth messy or if it was he’d prob make certain measurements after. idk what that means exactly dnjsnsdjk just tryna not get caught uk … or even something as small as flirtationships !

ok these all suck bc gabe is….. emotionally dead inside cnjdsnksnjd but ! obv tht can change per circumstance n whatever so pls .. feel free to mssg me whenever if u have any ideas !!

[thrashton]

Soaring light (elu, chapter 3)

Name: Soaring Light Fandom: Skam france Pairing: Lucas Lallemant/Eliott Demaury Tags: assassin!au, falling in love, angst, hurt/comfort Summary: Don’t get attached, do not engage in any physical contact… The list of rules were long, but Lucas had never been the one to follow orders. In fact, he might have broken all of them in just a week, all because of the piercing blue eyes staring at him from the assignment in his hands, and the charming, mysterious boy they belonged to. Chapter summary: Lucas thinks Eliott forgot all about him and watch Pirates of the Caribbean a few too many times to pass time.

prologue and chapter one&two can be found at the soaring-light tag at my blog, just click on the tag on this post. tumblr don’t wanna show my post in the search tag if I put in links… and on ao3 with the username thetimeisnow)

- Chapter 3.

When Lucas was 19, he met an older man at the bar. The man was dressed in a long, dark coat and a colorful hat and caught his attention in a second, mostly because of the odd choice of clothing.

The man waved Lucas over to his table, introduced himself and asked what he did for a living. Lucas found nothing weird or uncomfortable with the man’s behaviour, and he was also a bit tipsy.

The man told him he had been at the bar across the street, where Lucas worked at back then, a few times and had seen him him work, interact with customers and dealt different situations in a way he found fascinating. Lucas had never seen him before, but he did love compliments.

He had then asked him what he’d do for money, for a stable life. Lucas had, of course, laughed said anything because honestly, that’s how he felt at that point; had a low-pay job he hated and had to move within two months.

That night, Lucas had slipped a pill into an old man’s drink, having no idea what the pill did. A day later, he saw an article online about the strange death of the same man, and another day passed before he got his first contract sent with the post. He had put two and two together immediately.

After that, there was no way out. At first, he’d been terrified at every police car ringing in the distance, and as he receive his first reminder of his next mission, he realised the old man probably had proof he killed the guy at the bar and he had no other choice than to continue.

But as time and missions went by and he realised he wasn’t going to get caught; he grew comfortable. He was one of his boss’ best employees and well respected in their community. It was rare, for such a young age, he’d been told multiple times.

Therefore, Lucas had no idea why he went around, nervous like a man about to be hung (or something, but that reference was all he could think of after watching all the Pirates of the Caribbean movies three times to keep himself occupied) waiting for Eliott to text him.

Which he hadn’t. It had been four days.

He was scared at first, that he’d get in trouble with his boss, but he had been contacted by his right hand, a middle aged, rich woman from the more beautiful parts of Paris, and she told him that his boss understood the Eliott Demuary case was special and could take time. He had gotten an offer to change contract, but he nicely declined.

No one else could touch Eliott, except for him.

Two days after the bar, he had gotten a new follower on instagram. And nearly fell off the bed. He hesitated for around five hours before finally following Eliott back. He watched the video of his face a few (fifty) more times, considered writing him a DM, but then Yann slapped some sense into him and told him he had to pull himself together.

Lucas was sitting in his couch, phone upside down on his right. On his left side, a few pills were laying nicely on a folded paper. The easiest thing would be to find him in an exposed situation like before; at a bar, a club, a restaurant. The pills took between five hours to one day to work, depending on how many he slipped in the drink. They dissolved with first touch of water and didn’t taste anything which made them very easy to slip into whatever Eliott would be drinking.

He would rather not watch him die. Maybe he should lock himself up for a week or two after poisoning him so he didn’t have to see any newspapers when Paris learnt their favorite model was dead. Lucas swallowed thickly. It would be fine.

Then, his phone buzzed. He was lucky no one was there to watch him, because he threw himself over it in an embarrassingly fast speed.

-

From: Unknown number

Hey

-

Lucas stared at the screen.

-

To: Unknown number

Who’s this?

-

Did he answer too fast? Maybe it was someone who got his number wrong. Maybe it was not Eliott.

-

From: Unknown number

Eliott. You know, the cute one?

-

To: Eliott

I’m not sure I know you.

-

Eliott could read sarcasm, right? Lucas bit his lower lip nervously.

-

From: Eliott

Funny guy ;) sorry it took so long to write. i didn’t know what to say-

-

To: Eliott

So you settled with “hey”?

-

Was he being rude? No. He was being funny, right? What if Eliott found him incredibly boring and decided he wasn’t worth answering?

-

From: Eliott

I’m creative like that. Do you wanna grab coffee with me?

-

To: Eliott

I don’t drink coffee. wanna come over for gaming?

-

Considering how much he’d been alone at home, playing stupid multiplayer games for a long time now, he had to show off his skills to someone.

-

From: Eliott

On the first date? ;) you could’ve just said so x

-

To: Eliott

NOT what I meant!!!!! Fine. Coffee!!

-

Lucas was blushing. And extremely happy no one was there to see it, or hear the shocked gasp that passed his lips as he realised his mistake.

-

From: Eliott

sure ;) two hours?

-

Lucas glanced at the clock on the wall. It was 11am now. Okay, that could work, he just had to shower, dry his hair, get it to stick in place, decide what to wear, cry for a bit, decide how he should kill the guy and preferably spend one hour yelling. It could work.

-

To: Eliott

okay. where?

-

From: Eliott

ill pick you up, be outside ;)

-

Lucas wasn’t a fan of the winky face.

-

To: Eliott

do you know where i live?

-

From: Eliott

haha lucas, be ready in two.

-

To: Eliott

you didnt answer, do you know where i live??

-

Lucas didn’t get any other answer. Great. Fantastic. He glanced down at the pills next to him. A few images flashed in his head from the guy he’d seen fall down on his knees two months back, his last kill. A middle aged white man who had gotten away with raping his own daughter. It was his ex wife, mother of the girl, who wanted him dead.

Lucas obliged. He didn’t even feel the slightest ounce of regret over kills like that, but he couldn’t understand what Eliott could have done to get a price that high on his head. Sure, Lucas didn’t really know the guy, but he still felt in his soul that Eliott could never be capable of doing anything like that. He had seen evil in the eyes of the men he’s killed, but Eliott’s eyes had no trace of it.

Maybe a rival? Someone who wanted his followers, his money? He surely had to be rich. For a rich person, the amount of money put on his head might not be too much. That was probably the case, Lucas thought, he was just overthinking this.

He hesitated a moment, but then he put one pill in a small plastic bag and put it in his pocket. Just in case he got a good opportunity to slip it into his coffee.

Eliott was just on time. Exactly two hours later, his phone vibrated on the table. Lucas was sitting, newly showered, nervous enough he feared his stomach was going to turn upside down and then he’d puke it out. Disgusting.

He stared down at the text.

-

From: Eliott

here

-

It was just one word, but he still felt like he was going to throw up. Okay, he could do this. It wasn’t that bad, it would be fine. It would be great. If he just managed to keep his heart inside his chest until he was downstairs, it would all work out. There was no good explanation to why his legs were shaking as he walked down the stairs, nor why he was sweating more than normal.

It was just a coffee. It was nothing. It was fine.

Eliott was standing, leaning back on the hood on, what Lucas assumed, was his car. A black, newer Audi model; just what Lucas expected from him. It looked fresh, and so did Eliott, hair a beautiful mess on top of his head, a black hoodie under a brown-ish jacket. He stood gazing up in the sky, like he was posing for a shot. Lucas stopped behind the door out, just to look at him for amoment extra.

Eliott hadn’t noticed him yet, he was tapping with his foot on the ground and if Lucas didn’t know better he’d say he looked nervous. Lucas swallowed thickly, giving himself a confident nod and opened the door to step out in the warm weather. Eliott looked up; a sweet, big grin spreading across his face and Lucas almost melted into a pile of despair on the ground.

Fuck. This wasn’t good. His stomach made him feel things that he wasn’t supposed to feel. Like, extreme fucking attraction. Pure, strong and annoyingly exciting attraction.

“Hey”, Eliott said softly.

“Hi.” Lucas stood in front of him, hands in his pockets.

“You look great.”

Lucas watched him for a little too long before replying. “Thanks”, he said awkwardly, “you too.”

Eliott just kept grinning as he gestured over to the door behind him. “Hop in.”

Lucas nodded, “so where are we going?”

Eliott fucking winked. “You’ll see.”

They drove in silence. Well, it wasn’t complete silence because Eliott was blasting loud, extremely horrible music. Lucas wasn’t going to say anything, though, everyone liked what they liked, but he was pretty sure his ears were going to start bleeding at any moment.

They left town, driving down an empty road towards where only empty fields would fill his sight for kilometers. He glanced over at the confident man next to him, one hand on the wheel and knee bouncing up at down in rhythm with the music. This was how people got murdered, Lucas thought, which was funny because he was the last person who should be be nervous about getting murdered since he killed people for a living.

Technically, if he brought a knife, he could just stab Eliott right there. No one would notice. If he burnt the body, took the bones and set the car on fire, he’d be good to go.

It would be a waste, though, because Eliott looked hot. Leaning back against his seat, sunglasses on, hair in a mess and singing along to the few words his terrible music was producing; Lucas couldn’t stop staring. He couldn’t understand how he went to the same school as this guy and never even saw him, or even knew this walking piece of art breathed the same, sweaty school air.

Eliott glanced at him and Lucas looked away. The beautiful sound of Eliott’s loud laugh filled the air and made his music sound even worse. What was even happening with him, why was he like this? Who was he?

What the hell was he doing to Lucas?

Eliott parked next to what looked like an empty barn, the first building they’d seen for a good fifteen minutes, but it was recently painted in a beautiful red color. Lucas thought he could hear the clinking of glass from inside. Eliott turned off the music and stepped out of the car without a word, and gestured Lucas towards the front of the building.

“What’s this place?”

“The best café in France”, Eliott said proudly.

A few cherry trees were randomly placed on the short side of the building, and outside the barn door, a big, white dog was lying. He lifted his head lazily when he saw them arriving, but made no effort to greet them more than a slow wag of his fluffy tail. Lucas loved dogs. Just the sight of the beautiful white giant made his heart skip a beat.

“That’s Maxie”, Eliott pointed, “he’s supposed to be guarding but he’s not very good at his job.”

“He’s adorable”, Lucas grinned, “hi, buddy.” He ran his fingers through the soft fur. The dog closed his eyes and huffed out a breath. “What breed is this?”

“Slovensky cuvac”, Eliott replied, “or something like that.”

Lucas was sure his eyes were shaped like hearts as he glanced up at Eliott. “Wow. Okay, what does this place got to offer?”

Eliott opened the big wooden door. Lucas threw a last glance around the beautiful landscape, the big, empty fields and the slim dirty road leading up to the bar, before entering.

The inside was just as impressive. Another big, white dog was sleeping under a weirdly placed chair just next to them as they stepped in, and in front of them, what looked like an old stable without horses, showed the way to another door. The walls were filled with old paintings of women in dresses and men in armor and surrounded by beautiful nature, and a few paintings of animals. He recognized racoons, cats, foxes and a few unidentified species, but they were cute either way.

Eliott pointed towards one of them. “I painted them.”

Lucas raised his brows, “really?”

The proud smile on his face told Lucas he was absolutely telling the truth. “Yep!”

“They’re good”, he said, nodding encouraging.

“You think so?” Eliott asked, his voice genuinely surprised.

“Yeah, absolutely!” Lucas agreed because it was the truth. He’d definitely buy one. “Maybe you can make me one.”

Eliott stopped mid step, watching at him closely. Lucas shifted, thinking he said something bad. “What?”

“Hedgehog”, Eliott said and laughed softly, “that’s what I’d make you.”

Lucas raised his brows. “I’m a hedgehog?”

Eliott huffed, “yes. I’ll paint you something and you’ll see. Now, come on!” He grabbed Lucas arm, wrapping his fingers around his wrist and ran down the old stable. Lucas felt like a disney princess, and he was absolutely loving it.

Behind he next door, a small, cute café opened up. With only five tables, Lucas realised this was probably only for the need-to-know-guests, and not just anyone. A third, big white dog of the same breed was lying under one the table, raising his head when they entered. He barked. A deep, loud sound.

To the left the counter was placed, different buns and creations were piled up to show off the different options to eat. Footsteps were heard, and a blonde head looked out through the door leading in to what Lucas guessed was the kitchen.

“Eliott!” the lady exclaimed happily and hurried around the counter to greet them. “It’s good to see you! Didn’t hear you come in, dogs didn’t react!”

“They like me now”, Eliott laughed and hugged her. “Lucas, this is Alison. Alison, this is Lucas.”

The blonde beauty, Alison, grinned at him with white teeth. She reached up and kissed his cheek “Hi! Nice to meet you. Are you the boyfriend?”

Lucas stared at her, stuttering out an embarrassing whiny sound. “Wha- no. No, I’m not- what? No.”

She laughed loudly, holding her hands up in defense. Eliott was grinning too. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to assume. What can I get you?”

“Hot chocolate”, Lucas said dumbfoundedly.

“And two cheesecake, lemon. Please?” Eliott gestured towards the table for two closest to the big window the room. Lucas sat down without another word, which was probably for the best since he was incredibly talented in embarrassing himself.

Eliott filled a glass of water and followed him, sliding down on his chair and resting his face in his hands. God, what an actual angel sent from heaven, Lucas thought, how was he going to kill this guy? Just as the thought passed through his head, Eliott excused himself to the bathroom and left him alone. Lucas stared at the water glass in front of him.

Just slip the pills in. They’ll dissolve, no one will ever know and he’d be dead within 24 hours. Just put the pills in, get the money and forget about Eliott Demaury and his stupid, perfect smile and his soft hair he so badly wanted to run his fingers through.

Just slip the pills in the glass.

But Lucas couldn’t. He could only stare, stare for how many minutes it took for Eliott to come back in the room, give a half-hearted greeting and sit down again. Lucas continued to stare at the lost opportunity and did his best to ignore the growing lump in his throat.

“So”, Eliott smiled, bringing his attention back to reality, “tell me about yourself.”

[itsswimmingtragedycollection]

The Dumpster Fire that is ‘The Order’

First of all, why is his show labeled as a horror? My humble guess is that it was intended for younger audiences?? I genuinely wanna know. Because, even if it was for teens, some blood and a few dead bodies does not a horror make.  Secondly, what the fuck? And I truly mean that.  I mean, the idea itself doesn’t sound bad at all. A college student joins a secret society and finds out his supposedly evil dad is the head of it? He’s also in a werewolf club that fights that same secret society? Sign me tf up. But the execution just takes a really weird turn.  From the get go, you kinda aren’t sure if the show wants to be takes seriously or not. And that question is never answered. Literally in the opening scene the letter changes from ‘we regret to inform you’ to ‘congratulations’ in front of Jack’s eyes and he has absolutely no reaction whatsoever to that peculiar development, which kind of screams ‘not to be taken seriously’ similarly to the whole ‘My evil dad killed my mom so naturally I’m gonna join a secret society, become someone important and powerful and eventually use that power to fight him.’ Who on earth plots a revenge along those lines? But then a second later, the plot falls back in the supernatural drama category.  To top it all off there’s a whole lot of ‘woke humor’ which most of the time comes across as cringe worthy edginess we’re all happy we outgrew after HS.  But, even if you could somehow get pas the not-so-subtle jumps from complete absurdity to realism, there’s nothing else to hold on to. No character, no relationship, no plot line we’re offered is strong enough to pull us in.  In fact. one of the most annoying things about The Order is that basically no character has a personality. I am 8 episodes deep (and I don’t intend to finish it because that’s how boring it is) and I still don’t know anything substantial about anyone. And can we take a second to just look at Jake’s relationship with Alyssa? What even is that? Are they flirting are they not, does he really like her or is she a means to an end, is she into him or his dad, why are they kissing and why does it look so uncomfortable, did they just cast two people with the least chemistry on purpose or is bad writing/directing? So many questions. If we draw a parallel between Jack’s progress with her and him being on board with the wolves, it makes even less sense. He needs how many episodes to decide to try and kiss her, but when it comes to dedicating your whole life to fighting bad magic, you go from ‘no way, you’re all insane, you made me kill an innocent man’ to ‘I pledge my life to the cause’ within two seconds.   Speaking of things that make no sense, I have to mention Jack’s ‘friendship’ with Amir. Don’t get me wrong, I get that we meet people and think to ourselves how that could grow into a beautiful friendship, but acting as if someone you just met is really your friend, and that odd flashback to like one beer they shared, when Amir was found dead, is just... I don’t even know what to say.  The Order as an organization is equally puzzling. Who are they? Why are they? What’s the purpose, what’s the goal, the mission? I can’t settle for just a group of magic users who follow strict hierarchies but kinda all look out for themselves and don’t really like each other that much. And occasionally sacrifice goats. And change people’s memories.(And they can revive a golem and ask it who made it, but the fact that Jack, who found out about magic like yesterday, sabotaged their spell somehow goes right over their magical heads. ) But essentially it’s for the good of the whole wide world.????????????? And the masks are what makes me think an 8yo came up with the whole concept.  If you thought the werewolf knights are any less confusing, think again. They hear noises when ‘bad magic’ happens and solve it by killing anything that moves. Heroes. Also, how do they know what they are supposed to do if they refuse to read anything? I mean, that’s not how a secret society, since that’s more or less what they are, works. Someone has to tell you, show you, teach you. Sure, you have the wolves inside you, but if you don’t know they speak a certain language, it’s fairly certain you don’t know a whole lot. And why is there only four of you? How can four knights take down an organization as big as The Order? Especially since their preferred method is violent murder, something that is not very subtle and does not go unnoticed for long, which basically ensures the rage of the entire Order falling on their heads before they even begin their so called mission. Once again: ????????????????? And what even does ‘bad magic’ mean? The term is so vague and abstract that I have a hard time understanding how can you form an organization that fights something barely defined. All magic can potentially be bad magic. What are the guidelines here? Help me comprehend.  The show also has a very odd relationship towards death. One can sort of ‘forgive’ the wizards and the wolves for being chill about it, but if someone was targeting and butchering people on your campus, wouldn’t you be at least a bit worried? We don’t see any students panicking, we saw one police officer, there were no measures taken by the college, unless you count turning Amir’s death into a bike accident. And just when you start getting used to being casual about it, Jack has a whole meltdown over killing someone the first time he turned. And then also his professor. But even that meltdown is not very convincing, since most of what he does is just screaming ‘I KILLED AN INNOCENT MAN!!!’ into the void, without a much deeper attempt to deal with that. Which is why I don’t get why the show even made an issue out of it.  I also don’t get Jack’s grandpa. Like not even a little bit. Because if you think about it, it’s not * that * unimaginable that a little boy would come up with the idea of joining a secret society to avenge his mother’s death, but it is * very * odd to imagine an old ass grown up who not only thinks it’s a good idea to direct your whole young life towards revenge, but encourages it to a point of making a detailed plan on how to do that, and basically spends your entire childhood grooming you to become a little rage fueled bundle of psychological damage. All of this is only scratching the surface of the mess that is The fucking Order, because the show is a giant entangled coil of nonsense and I barely knew where to start. It’s fair to say that the biggest buzzkill is failure to pick a direction and stick with it. You don’t have to look that close to see some of the influences. The biggest one being, obviously, The Magicians, followed by some Teen Wolf, there’s even elements from Scream Queens, a bit of Buffy, a pinch of the Craft, etc. Almost like someone decided to look up successful shows in the supernatural/fantasy/horror genre and just smash them all up together in hopes of making something appealing to the largest audience possible. Personally, as a * very big * fan of before mentioned The Magicians, I get the feeling that Netflix wanted to make something that could rival it, but better. Because TM is, dare I say so, one of the best, if not the best, shows of the decade. I honestly have not seen anything like it, that has the same platform, in literally a decade. If you have, please let me know. 

Whit the BDE, edgy, but in a good way, humor, strong political views, strong female characters, fun twist and turns that actually do manage to mix absurd with normal life in a magical, no pun intended, way, sexuality representation, but not in a ‘we just want to please the gays so they give us the views’ way, great male characters we wish we saw more of, compelling character development and so on. Tho the most likable aspect of the series is probably the take on overdone story lines, where they twist the narrative just enough for it to become actually relatable. We all are tired of super special chosen ones who save the world because they are soo special and specially chosen by gods to save the world and all the dumb boring unspecial people with their pure hearts and strong characters. And also find true love.  You see attempts at this within The Order on every turn, except that it doesn’t work nearly as well for them, precisely because they went for that AND MORE. More wouldn’t even be a bad thing if it was’t so all over the place that it just comes off as ‘WE WANT EVERYONE TO LIKE THIS, GIVE US ALL THE VIEWS, ALL OF THEM.’ I am very much inclined to think this is what happened, considering other stuff Netflix has put out there. (Mostly referring to endlessly stupid shit like YOU, which only has the intention of being controversial and attention grabbing, for the views. Tho they do have some fun shit too, don’t get me wrong.) So I guess what I’m trying to say is,  the though of making something like TM, is not a bad one,  I’m all for it, but you actually have to put a shit ton more imagination into it if you want it to work out. But that’s just my opinion.   

[junkyardlynx]

Pt. 6

“Why would I tell you? You were - fuck!” 

Miss Lewis’ words were cut off with her hiss of pain as she attempted to squirrel out under from Sarisa’s malingering foot. Her blood joined that of her associates, and the stench of death began to permeate the room, fresh as it was. I couldn’t stand it anymore. Self-loathing squirming in my stomach, I knelt down in front of Lewis, black mana gathering in my fingertips and running down my palms like a viscous ink. Sarisa took a few steps back, moving behind me.

“W-what are you doing?”

Her fear was justified, really. Most magical spells have an elemental component that tints the mana, and black was the realm of necromancy and bodily change - life reversed. 

“Shut up. I already regret this.”

My voice was thick and heavy, and it seemed to bludgeon the air from her lungs. Nobody seemed to comprehend what was happening until a sound like a wet bandage hitting the floor reached their ears. Sarisa watched, halfway between amazed and amused, as ribbons of flesh began to peel themselves from the dismembered corpses, slowly and almost lazily drifting through the air. They hovered in front of my face for a moment before twisting and melting together into a wet and tumescent mass.

Diane’s face reflected only horror.

“I said, what are you doing? Don’t do it. Don’t do that, don’t you fucking put that in m-”

The mass of flesh leapt from the stagnant air, filling the sizeable hole in her knee and spreading through. Sickening sounds of crunching and squelching filled the sanctum, and Diane’s screams of pain and terror only served to heighten the horrifying atmosphere.

This was the healing side of necromancy, using the dead to preserve life. Considered an ultimate taboo by those outside of the necromantic arts, it allowed the caster to shape and repair most any body part as long as there were...materials around.

It bothered me in the past, but not any longer. Life is life, and the dead aren’t sticking around inside the shells. It seemed stupid and downright disrespectful to not use what was left if it was needed. My dad taught me that.

“Stand up.” 

Sarisa gave her the command, barely hiding her lopsided grin. For some reason she really, really loved watching me utilize that dark magic. Maybe it was the thrill of the unknown, or the bewilderment that ensued. Diane had time to process and deal with the event, but she seemed unsure. I rose, shaking my hands a few times to bleed off the excess mana.

“C’mon, coach. Those that can't do, teach. Those that can’t teach, teach gym. You should be able to stand up and give us some Suicides or some squats, at least, right?”

At Sarisa’s prodding, unsteadily and bracing for pain, Diane Lewis stood. 

It was rather uneventful.

“So what were you saying about Jeal and I?”

“You...were always complacent kids in P.E. You sure turned out to be cruel.” If you asked me, she seemed confused at her own words. Diane had been bouncing between terrified and vengeful so much that I felt exhausted listening to her. She’d screamed at us to stay away. Most people in a death cult under their own will weren’t reduced to hysterics after the loss of their fellow cultists. Something in them was broken. Unfortunately for Diane, her mind remained whole and mostly her own. 

There was just something directing it down the darkest path.

Deciding that this game of torture and treatment had gone on long enough, I fixed Diane with an almost impenetrable stare before reaching my right hand out, placing it on her neck.

I could feel the confusion and annoyance radiating off Sarisa. Was she...jealous? Wh-oh. Oh. I have my hand on the neck and shoulder of an adult woman. That probably looks pretty uh, tender from her point of view. Miss Lewis seemed stricken by confusion and hadn’t batted my hand away. That’s not. I. I better just wrap this up before it turns ugly.

Before she could regain her senses, raw mana pulsed through my hand with an ugly red and black crackle, prompting a new series of screams from Diane as it seared the Mark of Soritoroth off of her skin, leaving an admittedly ugly scar. With heaving breaths, I removed my hand from her skin, sweat collecting on my forehead.

I’d used far too much magic today. It felt like every nerve in my body was on fire. I’d be damned if I showed weakness, though.

Sarisa, having understood after the fact, walked up behind me and slung her arm over my shoulder before addressing Diane, unable to hide her lopsided grin any longer. It felt possessive.

I didn’t hate it.

“This big idiot just freed you from your Mark. No more dark whispers in your ear or weird dreams about fire and a never-ending queue at the DMV. He’s too kind, really. I’d have just left you locked in here with your fellow teachers until the Mark consumed you. Guess he figured it out because of uh, well, how scared you are. Real believers usually aren’t terrified out of their minds.”

We were met with a cascade of sobs. Slipping down to the blood-stained floor again, Diane was reduced to tears as pain and regret wracked her seemingly fragile frame.

“Let me guess. They knew you were a mage of some talent. Told you big things. Scared you, and right after, promised you safety. Then they dragged you into some pit, put that Mark on you and began to twist you. I mean, no one really likes P.E., but we all liked you. Didn’t really think you’d turn evil at the drop of a hat. Mr. Morrison though...man, we should have seen that coming. Haughty english teachers are the worst.”

I wonder how many times Sarisa’s penchant for humor saved me? I always ended up walking down dark lines of conversation, saying the wrong things at the wrong time to anyone but her. She managed to be my voice, and she understood me better than anyone.

Honestly, I don’t think I’d have even made it this far without her. I would have tried to save my parents if she wasn’t around. She was my guidepost.

“I gotta admit though, you made me really mad. So in exchange for all these wonderful things Jeal’s done for you, can you please tell us where our friend Thom is and what he’s told you?”

Diane was quiet for a time as the sobs shriveled up. Her head rose from her knees, and she looked around the room as if seeing it for the first time.

“They’re all dead, aren’t they?”

A barely audible whisper.

“Yes. Mr. Morrison, Mrs. Takao, and Mr. Krenick are dead. So are fifty people your little cabal brainwashed into raiding this place. So I really, really need you to tell Jeal and I what’s going on.”

Sarisa hid no facts, but a sort of warmth leaked into her voice, gently urging Diane on. 

“Please,” I said. 

“Thomas...he, two weeks ago, he came to us. Said he knew we were mages, and that you two were mages and that Jeal was actually a Culaine. Last thing he told us before we stuck him in that hole was...was that you’d be coming back around 7 today. Dunno how he knew that. Guess he was watching you.”

“Where is he, Miss Lewis?”

A long pause, as if everything that had happened since receiving her Mark was finally setting in.

“He’s in hell. He’s burning. He’s burning in hell. He’s gone, I think.” She stopped for a moment, eyes glassy and distant, finally free of that dark passenger and unable to collect herself in the aftermath. We were losing her.

“They already moved him. I don’t know where. Just the shell. Nothing left inside, all empty, ready to be filled up. The materials are still good...”

Lightning cracked on my fingertips, but I gripped my hand tightly. The torrent of images and impulses, no longer channeled and directed by the Mark, began to leak over every thought she had. They’d bleed out like mere bad dreams in time, but time was not on our side. 

“He was in that square hole. Seven feet deep, a tiny prison for a god. The abandoned observatory to the west. From the 80′s. I wonder if they knew? A cocoon as a prison for god. I wonder if we could have seen him...?”

Her voice trailed off as her head lolled to the side, shock finally pulling her consciousness under. I grappled with myself for a moment before flicking my wrist, a lash of red thunder removing the last traces of the three dead teachers. Leaning on Sarisa a little as she kept her arm slung around me, I made my way to the desk in the sanctum. Sarisa seemed to understand what I was getting at and began preparing one of the cots. My shoulder and neck seemed somehow lesser for the absence of her weight and warmth.

Penning a note to Diane on a piece of paper, I gathered a few materials and reagents from the cabinet beside the desk. Setting to work with practiced movements, I began to prepare a tincture using thornblood, the teeth of an imp, water, mint, and ethyl alcohol inside of a reinforced flask. She’d need it, after what she’d been through. For myself...well, for myself, it was going to be less pleasant than anything with alcohol in it. Too bad I also needed it.

Forcing a gelatinous black mass into my dry mouth, I began to chew hurriedly, ignoring the bitter taste and oddly crumbly texture that followed the jelly-like outside as I pawed around blindly for a bottle of water, draining nearly the entire thing in one gulp. I turned around to find Sarisa on the verge of laughter, having just set the bloodied Diane down on the cot.

“Oh my god, did you eat that? You actually ate that dragon eye? What the fuck, Jeal.”

“Everything hurts, Rissa.”

“Oh, c’mon. Don’t sound so annoyed. I mean, I know it’s a really good pick me up, but oh my GOD, that had to have been like, 800 years old! And you just ate it! In one bite!”

“... probably still kiss me.” 

“Hmm?”

“Nothing. Let’s go.”

I don’t know if she actually heard me or not, but it didn’t matter. We needed to check out the old observatory, even though he was probably gone. Thomas had been wrapped up in all of this, somehow. He knew who I was, what I was. He knew who Sarisa was.

Everything hurt. Body and soul.

[raendown]

Pairing: MadaraTobirama + HashiramaMito Word count: 1964 Summary: Everyone in the world has two soulmates, platonic and romantic. Only your platonic soulmate can find your romantic soulmate for you. Hashirama should have known who Madara was the moment they met. Tobirama did know who Mito was as soon as they met. Everything would be so much easier if they were able to just say something about it to each other but since when does the universe like making things easy?

Follow the link or read it under the cut!

KO-FI

Chapter 3: Of Blind Dates and Bad Timing

Madara played with the cufflinks on his shirt as he tilted his head back to take in the glitzy sign hanging above the restaurant. Why Izuna wanted them to eat here was beyond him when there were no less than five burger joints within walking distance of their apartment building. They didn’t have to spend so much money on a stupidly fancy meal at some overpriced restaurant and, honestly, Madara got pretty tired of wearing suits to work every day so he sort of resented having to wear one to dinner too. But if this was what Izuna wanted to do then Madara was willing to dress up a bit more than usual to spend some time with his baby brother.

The hostess greeted him with a saccharine smile and an appreciative once over which lifted his spirits a little even if she wasn’t really his type. It was always nice to be noticed. Unfortunately the table he was led to was suspiciously empty. Madara frowned because Izuna was supposed to be coming here straight from the office; he should have made it here ten minutes ago.

Despite the lack of brotherly company there wasn’t much for Madara to do but slip in to his seat and accept the menu with a curt nod, abandoning it immediately in favor of the wine list. He was definitely going to make Izuna pick up the tab tonight. Which meant he was definitely ordering an expensive bottle of wine to go with their meal. He was smirking to himself while he perused the finest reds on offer when a deep voice from just behind him piqued his interest, making him twist in his seat to peer over one shoulder.

His heart skipped uncomfortably as he took in the sight of Senju Tobirama in a three piece suit. Even shifting with obvious discomfort and wearing a dark scowl the man made for quite the picture, black suit contrasting very nicely with his pale skin and the deep maroon tie bringing out the brilliant red of his eyes. Usually Madara only saw Tobirama during the brief moments he and Hashirama spent dropping by his friend’s home and the younger man could normally be found in khakis and thin sweaters, simple functional clothing. Seeing him like this was like seeing an entirely different person, morphing him from ‘attractive’ to ‘dangerously distracting’ with nothing but a simple change of clothing. Madara was grateful for the few moments he had to gather his wits before Tobirama turned his head to sulk in the other direction and their gazes crossed.

“Madara. Fancy seeing you here.” For whatever reason, Tobirama didn’t sound all that surprised.

“You don’t strike me as the fine dining type, Senju.” Madara grinned. “You strike me as the continue-working-while-I-inhale-a-sandwich type.”

“Hashirama is threatening my work. He set me up on a blind date, of all things, and if I don’t cooperate he’s going to give my notes to one of our nieces for doodling on. They are scientific calculations! Not children’s coloring books!” Before he could work himself up in to a larger rant, the man slumped back in his seat with crossed arms, jaw clenching in irritation.

Madara hid a smile. His friend’s younger brother could be a churlish ass but the things he chose to focus on as important never failed to amuse.

“Blind date, huh? Can’t get one on your own?”

“People are stupid,” Tobirama hissed. “And my brother has no taste, clearly. Whoever was meant to be meeting me here is more than fifteen minutes late. I despise people who can’t be punctual.”

“I know how that feels, at least. Izuna should have beaten me here but he hasn’t even called or anything.” Curious – and maybe a little suspicious – Madara pulled his phone out of his pocket to check and make sure his brother hadn’t sent him any texts. Nothing. Just in case, he sent one off with enough punctuation marks to make it clear how much he didn’t appreciate whatever game this was.

“And that would be why your brother and I are not friends.”

“Bullshit, he’s always hanging around your lab since the two of you met.”

Tobirama sniffed. “He’s a barnacle. I never said I wanted him there.”

With a roll of his eyes Madara turned back to his wine list, concealing a smile between the folds of the fancy booklet. If Tobirama didn’t want someone in his labs he wasn’t shy in the least about kicking them out. The two of them got along better than he liked to admit. Madara’s theory was that Tobirama was just used to the ‘excited puppy’ act from dealing with his own brother; it would only feel natural to fall in to the same patterns with Izuna. At least Izuna didn’t try to hug him all the time.

Another five minutes passed without any reply to the texts he sent, leading Madara to believe his gut feeling was right. Obviously Izuna wasn’t coming. He would be willing to bet Hashirama hadn’t actually invited anyone here for Tobirama either, which meant that the two of them were both here alone intentionally. The only question he had was why. Was he supposed to be Tobirama’s unwitting blind date? Who the hell had that idea? Madara wasn’t opposed to the idea of being set up with someone but he would have preferred to be informed about the situation or at least been given a description of his potential date so he could determine if he was interested.

Pausing, Madara let his wine list droop back to the table, staring off in to the middle distance. Would he have said yes if Izuna or Hashirama had asked him about this beforehand? Tobirama was attractive, there was no doubting that. And he was intelligent, something Madara had poor luck finding in partners, but he wasn’t smug about his intelligence. Sure he hated it when people didn’t keep up with him but usually Tobirama solved that by merely separating himself from the people he considered stupid, thereby avoiding the frustration altogether.

He was spinning around in his chair before he could give himself time to think about it.

“Why don’t you come sit here with me? It appears Izuna has forgotten he was meant to join me and there’s no point in both of us sitting alone.” Madara hoped his face wasn’t red. If it was Tobirama didn’t say anything about it, only blinked at him in surprise before tilted his head contemplatively.

“I suppose so.” Halfway out of his chair, the man twisted his mouth wryly. “I don’t suppose you’d help me plan how to get back at Hashirama for this? It seems I have many reasons for a little friendly payback against him lately.”

Madara grinned. “Now that sounds like good dinner conversation.”

The two of them snickered together while Tobirama slid in to the seat across from him, both men intimately familiar with the frustration that came hand in hand with being one of Hashirama’s precious people. Well-meaning and devoted to his loved ones he might be but Hashirama’s over-enthusiastic methods often left something to be desired. He wasn’t the best at taking in to account that other people might not want things done the same way he would do them, which usually resulted in a lot of apologies from his end and not a few tears as well.

His waiter came back in the middle of Tobirama describing some rather evil plans involving itching powder and Hashirama’s turn with the laundry machine. Neither of them had given much thought to their menus yet, too caught up in chatting, but Madara did send for that wine. Tobirama had only just picked out what he wanted to eat when a pair of hands came down on the edge of their table and they both looked up to find Izuna standing over them with a sharp grin edged with laughter.

“Phew! Sorry I’m late, Mads. Car broke down. I had to run all the way here!”

“You’re not very winded for someone who just ran several blocks,” Tobirama pointed out with one eyebrow raised. Izuna waved him aside with a careless laugh.

“I sat down for a minute before coming over. Didn’t think Madara wanted me huffing and puffing all over the food. So…where the food?”

“You’re also remarkably dry for someone running in the rain.” Blinking slowly, Tobirama turned to look pointedly towards the window across the room. Madara hadn’t even noticed it had begun to rain. Now that he did he had to admit it would be impossible for Izuna to run through that downpour without getting soaked.

With narrowed eyes, Izuna leaned in to glare at his friend. “I had an umbrella,” he growled.

Tobirama held out in silence for a few heartbeats until giving in at last, likely deeming it too much trouble to be suspicious any further. Madara cleared his throat and looked away from both of them. Apparently Izuna hadn’t abandoned him, which meant that his ideas about being set up on an unwitting date weren’t true. He couldn’t decide if he was relieved or disappointed but it was a very welcome distraction when the waiter appeared with an extra chair and a menu for his brother.

Dinner, when they finally got to eat, was amazing. The conversation wasn’t quite as lively as it could have been with Tobirama staying mostly quiet after Izuna’s arrival, only speaking when one of them directed a question to him or when he felt the need to rib his friend for saying something dumb. Madara did manage to guilt his brother in to paying for all of them and felt no shame for doing so. It was all his fault that Madara had entertained such odd thoughts, thoughts that lingered in his mind even now like whispers that echoed no matter how he tried to turn his attention elsewhere.

If Madara hadn’t been so distracted by the backside of Tobirama in a suit when they all stood up to leave he might have noticed that Izuna failed to retrieve the umbrella he supposedly came in with when he went to take his jacket from the coat check.  Tobirama might have noticed if he hadn’t been busily texting Mito an embarrassing story about his brother; if she was going to be a part of their family then she was going to have to know these things and if he wanted her to go in to this with forewarning and get a little revenge at the same time then he was only killing two birds with one stone.

Neither of the pair gave any attention to Izuna when he mumbled a few excuses about calling a tow truck and ducked back inside the restaurant, falling easily in to conversation as they walked across the parking lot together. Izuna watched them go with a smile, phone held to his ear and listening to it ring.

“Jerk!” Hashirama’s voice greeted him. Izuna snickered.

“Well that wasn’t very nice.”

“You said you would help me set them up! You weren’t supposed to actually show up for dinner!”

“I was hungry,” Izuna protested mildly. He could practically hear Hashirama grinding his teeth through the phone and only just barely managed not to burst in to wild laughter in the lobby of a fancy restaurant.

Clearly the other man did not share his amusement.

“Why did you interrupt them!?”

“Because it was funny. No one said I had to make it easy for them.”

Hashirama made indistinct noises of rage and Izuna snickered as he hung up the phone. Just because he knew that Tobirama was his brother’s romantic soulmate did not mean he couldn’t have a little bit of his own fun getting them there.

[seriouslyblacklikemysoul]

Sempre Tua - Remus Lupin x Reader

Request: Reader who was best friends with Remus even before Hogwarts. So when they get sorted, she gets sorted into Slytherin while he is obviously in Gryffindor. They remain friends, but he gets some comments from his friends because he's with a Slytherin all the time. So he backs off slowly and they start breaking because he doesn't want to lose his best friends. One day, after not talking to the reader for weeks he gets notes every day from an unknown person. The letters are cute and loving. (1/2) 🐇(2/2) 🐇 And he suspects reader but is unsure and doesn’t want to ask her. After days and weeks of daily notes, the last one arrives and in there it states “I love you, meet me” and when they meet, alone at the astronomy tower he sees that it was really her. They then talk about why they didn’t have contact anymore and how she loves him and he admits to like her too. They begin a private relationship until Sirius catches them. After a while, they see how nice she really is and they accept them 🙂 Warnings: My English, language. I changed it up a bit. Gif and pics are not mine. Credits to their original owners. Except the divider-proud to have created it. Requests are open once more. Sempre Tua: Always yours. Word Count~3.5k+ MASTERLIST/  Pending Request

For as long as you could remember, Remus had always been your friend. You had his parents to thank for that, really. You were living almost next to each other. You had seen him walking around, his tall frame and his messy, sandy hair. Little did you know that you would be harboring feelings for him. One day, just before dinner, a boy walked into the kitchen and sat there in awkward silence while his mother was talking with yours. You knew him and he knew you but you had never exchanged a word... just a smile or two. You weren't that brave but you wanted to make him feel comfortable enough to sit down and have dinner with you, so you introduced yourself and smiled brightly. He was taken aback because he didn't expect you to be kind and warm, especially when you saw his scars in all of their horrific glory. But that was just his opinion, not yours. You were a half-blood and perfectly okay with werewolves but he was about to discover that pretty soon, because honestly who even believed that two ten-year-olds would actually sleep when they had so much to talk about? That night, you talked about everything that popped into your minds, Hogwarts, and magic but muggle stuff as well. He was smart, you had thought when he cast a silencing spell - and right he was. Your parents would have never been able to sleep with your laughs and voices. He would always remember how your small hands and slender fingers caressed one of his scars. "Does it hurt?" you had softly asked him and he had blushed almost immediately. He was grateful that the lights were out, otherwise, he would have been in a very awkward place.  You understood that he wasn't very comfortable talking about that topic. "It's okay, Remy. Your secret is safe with me" you found yourself comforting him as your eyelids grew heavier by the second. He was exhausted as well but your words made him happy because for once in his life, he was accepted for who he was. Since that night, you had become inseparable but your father wasn't that happy about it. He was a pure-blood Slytherin and some habits never really died. He wasn't mean or anything - your mother was a Hufflepuff and it would have been impossible for the two of them to be together if he was - but it hurt you because you really cared about Remus. You had spent almost every day together, waiting for your Hogwarts letters, daydreaming and talking the nights away in a bliss. And that moment came, and you were so excited that you didn't even think before giving Remus a kiss on his cheek. You didn't seem to realize how a single, childish, sweet kiss would haunt him for a long time. You explored Diagon Alley together, got your book, ate ice cream, eyed the new broom that was on display and slept with the promise of Hogwarts imprinted on your minds.

The Great Hall was exactly as your parents had described it. Spacious, enchanting, breathtaking. The Sorting Ceremony had already begun and Remus had been placed to Gryffindor. Of course, you thought. He had been braver than anyone would have expected. And he had already made friends, as you noticed. Three boys, two of them were bubbly, and a ginger-haired girl. They seemed nice and you were happy that he was finally opening up. When the Hat was placed upon your head, you saw him looking at you with a bright smile. The Hat debated where to put you, Ravenclaw or Slytherin. You didn't really want to be sorted into Slytherin because you knew about the rivalry between the Serpents and the Lions. But, alas. "Slytherin!" the hat announced and your heart sunk a bit when you looked at Remus and he looked away. What an irony... You sat down at your house's table and tried to ignore the icy feeling that was spreading all over your insides. Soon enough, you found yourself laughing, eating and chatting with other First Years. They weren't that bad. Spoiled, yes. But not evil. And maybe, Remus would be able to see things through your eyes. Wishful thinking. You were tired and felt grateful when Slytherin's Head Boy told you to follow him to your dorms. You dragged your feet, staying a tad behind everyone else when a certain Gryffindor stopped you. "I hope you had a great first day" he told you sincerely. You smiled and nodded. "See you tomorrow, Rem" you said kindly and waved him goodbye. Maybe, things would be okay. Right?

Months flew by, reality sinking in slowly but steadily. All of your classes needed attention and it was no secret that you were a huge nerd. You didn't do it on purpose, you just craved knowledge... because you firmly believed that education was the key to a better world. You were a bit bullied for that but you he didn't care. Most of your fellow Slytherins thought that you weren't really a Slytherin, after all. But that was okay too. Remus was having fun with his Gryffindor friends but always had time for you...It was the Library, or the Black Lake, or even the Great Hall. With you, it felt natural and it was mutual. You were such a kind soul with a lot of sassiness but it was fascinating. He had absolutely, no problem that you were in Slytherin. He was always forgetting that, with the color of your robes being the only indicator of it. You mostly studied together but had a great time, nonetheless. Months turned into years. Somehow, you felt the warning signs and waited patiently for them to clear but they never did. You knew it would happen at some point. You just hoped that... Well, you hoped that he would still be your friend. Although, you had to admit that it was probably for the best since you had formed a teeny tiny crush. Somewhere between the late night talks and the early morning walks. He had a warrior's heart but his soul was delicate, an unlikely combination he could only put together so well, so... You longed for the summers, where he was free of all the inhibition. You had overheard a conversation that had hurt you deeply but it was the truth. You were a Slytherin and he was Gryffindor. There was no place for a ... friendship like that. And then, summertime was changing everything. You talked, and laughed and had fun. Up until the summer before your sixth year. He didn't talk to you once, barely smiled. He felt awful because you were such a great person. You had been there for him before anyone else. You still smiled warmly at him even if he hadn't done anything to deserve it. You had managed to make him feel guilty for listening to his new friends - they didn't know you like he did. You were sarcastic but when you chose to reveal your soft side, he couldn't help but be mesmerized. You hadn't seen each other all summer long. He had stayed over at the Potter's. You had visited France with your cousin. You had never been so fascinated in your life. Oh, well... once... you blamed his soft caramel eyes. The moment his eyes fell on you, he forgot how to breathe. He forgot that he was in the middle of the Great Hall, he forgot that he was a student there, he forgot that Hogwarts houses mattered. He was scanning your face, figure... You looked ravishing. You had changed a lot. You had become a proper young lady, elegant and sophisticated yet bold and there was also a glimpse of mischief somewhere between your cleavage. You had France to thank for a lot of things - a new garderobe was one of them. Even Sirius, who really despised all Slytherins, wolf-whistled. "Mate... she's hot" he commented without taking his eyes off of your silhouette. Remus was annoyed and he realized why. He actually liked you but he was stupid enough to listen to his friends. You heard the whistle and turned around, a perfectly plugged eyebrow arched, maroon lips smirking lightly when your eyes met his and the smirk turned into a soft smile before returning to your new acquaintances.

You had come to terms with your feelings. You were in love with him. There was no other way to say it. You had no idea when your friendship turned into something more. All you could remember was a shy boy who could barely look at you because he felt uncomfortable in someone else's house. And then, before you could realize it, you found yourself in the middle of it all. It felt ... natural. His impossibly soft caramel eyes, his elegant cynicism, the way he felt so warm and... home. You decided to tell him. One thing at a time. You had planted the first note in one of his books. You were a bit sneakier than that, and since you wanted to give him a sign, you had sprayed the small piece of parchment with your perfume. "Your eyes twinkle with mischief, what are you thinking about? That’s what I always wonder, the curve of your mouth always makes me suspect. I admire your mind deeply but I wonder how many things you leave unsaid". When he found it, he was in the middle of his breakfast, choking on his tea but blushing profoundly at the same time. He looked around, scanned every single one of the students but got nothing. Your glance was quick enough to witness the scene, yet to not be witnessed. He tucked the note back into the book and finished his breakfast before his friends could ask him about it. For the rest of the week, you did nothing, just waited. He was slowly easing up again, as he thought that it must have been some sort of a prank or... that whoever put the note there was done. He wasn't ready to admit it yet, but he did hope for someone in particular. Both, Sirius and James had caught him gazing at you many times and they tried to reason him but he kept denying it... He found the next note in the bottom of his cauldron during Potions. He was a bit preoccupied with hiding it but he did notice the perfume. It smelled familiar and so hypnotizing. "Caramel eyes filled with unspilled tears, how can you be so wonderful? I’ve always believed that people who can feel so much are the kindest. Sensitive, emotional, I dream of you. Your heart reminds me of an endless sea, so much you leave undiscovered". He was left breathless. Who could ever think that much of him? James was faster this time and grabbed the note... He was about to read it out loud but one look at the words stopped him. He felt that it was too personal and beautiful. One thing was for sure. Whoever that person was, their feelings were genuine. You looked at James who just handed it back and turned to Lily. She was lucky, even if she didn't know it yet. "Will you go out with me?" James asked her again, but there was no cockiness, no arrogance in his voice. He was truly nice. Which was the reason why Lily smiled and nodded. "Why not?" she answered, blushing red before returning to her cauldron. Remus was staring at the whole shebang, not believing what had just happened. And then he looked at you... only to find out that you were looking at him already, with a smile plastered on your face. Noo, it can't. Can it? This time, all week long, he kept looking at you. He had to figure out if you were hiding behind those notes. But you never blew your coverage. You were a Slytherin after all. You could be cold and distant. He didn't like that you never smiled back at him that week. He understood how wrong it was... the whole discrimination thing. And it was an even bigger irony that he was the one to push you away while you had accepted him. Who was the wrong one this time, he thought. You were in a rush, trying to make it on time to class. You passed the Marauders by, your cologne making them dizzy... Sirius whistled again but this time he didn't stop there. "Looking good today, Slytherin" he remarked with confidence. You halted momentarily and turned your head a bit to look at him, with a sly smile. "I always look good, Black" you fired back and vanished behind the corner. Sirius was gaping. "She is something else... I take back everything, Moony. If you don't bang her, I will" he said but before he could finish his sentence, Remus banged Sirius' head with Herbology's book. "And that's the only bang you're gonna get" he informed his friend nonchalant but it was too late. "I knew it! You like her!" James screamed and his words echoed in the empty corridor. Remus facepalmed and left them. James was right. He did like you. The last note was elegantly resting on his pillow, a week later. The parchment smelled like you. His pillow smelled like you. It was making him feel lightheaded. You were smart enough to wait for everyone to be cheering for Gryffindor in the Quidditch game and then snuck inside. You left the last note, smiling at it, wondering what will happen but hoping that everything will turn out to be okay. "I often wonder if you were able to just… read my mind. It was easy, too easy, to fall for you. You are tender and familiar. You understand so much of your surroundings and experiences deeper than anyone I’ve known. You are so charismatic". His breath hitched. It had to be you. And then he noticed that there was ink on the back of the note as well. "Astronomy Tower, midnight". It was a challenge for him. He wanted so badly to see who was the person behind this but at the same time, he was petrified in the thought that it might not be you. 

His heart was beating and hammering- he thought that it would pop out of his chest. He had borrowed James' cloak... well, almost. No one knew about this. He took it off in hope that you would be there. At first, he didn't see someone and thought that he was pranked. He was about to turn and leave when you spoke up. "Leaving so soon?" you playfully asked but the darker undertone gave him chills. Something in your voice made him feel so powerless in front of you, once he faced you. Your eyes pierced his. You were done playing games. It was all or nothing and it would be okay no matter what. The faint moonlight was gleaming and he looked so beautiful in that dim light like he belonged there as much as you did. He finally smiled and your heart felt alive after a while. You knew how awful things were but you couldn't have guessed that people would submit to Voldemort willingly and become Death Eaters. You easily understood why he didn't want to be associated with you. But you weren't on that side. "It's you" he simply stated and the thickness of his voice sent shivers down your spine. He moved closer - dangerously close. "And I mean every word, Remus" you truthfully told him. There was no point in hiding. He was looking at you, not knowing what to do. You took a deep breath and started talking... not for long. "I get it. Why you haven't talked to me. I do. It's just ironic, don't you think? Judging me because of my house while I never judged you. I don't think I'll ever be able to criticize you. Or anyone, for that matter. But I get it. All Slytherins are evil, right? All Slytherins are -" you weren't able to finish your thought. "Shut up" he cut you off. He was right in front of you... That was your silver lining. "Make me" you deadpanned. Oh, and he did. Merlin, he did. He grabbed you by your waist and slammed you against him, taking a moment to get high on your scent before he kissed you like he wanted to do for years. He tasted like chocolate and smoke, his lips ever so gentle but his kiss wasn't. It was hungry and almost devouring. Your hands were softly tracing his scars, getting tangled in his hair and roaming his back. At some point, you broke away in desperate need of air. You saw him smiling brightly and you just felt like the luckiest person alive. "You're smoking" you whispered, still inside his embrace. He snorted at your comment. "I am in love with you and all you can say is 'you're smoking'" he playfully made fun of you but he also admitted something that you had only dreamt about.  

You were happy. Your heart soared with excitement and your mind was quiet only with him. He was able to make your thoughts shut up. He was rather good at that, really. You had agreed to keep your relationship secret because no one was ready to actually accept such a thing. It was okay. You were together and that was all that matter to both of you.   He had brought you in his room, being very careful with the others. James was on a date with Lily, Peter was with Sirius planning their next prank and Frank was with Alice. He had the dorm to himself. And well, you were seventeen. You had needs... His kissed were slowly trailing down from your lips to your neck where he worked wonders, to your collarbones and even lower. This summer, you thought, was going to be one hell of a ride. Literally. You kissed sharp jawline, living small bites here and there while your hands slithered underneath his shirt, tracing his torso and abdomen, tenderly caressing his scars as he groaned. But things were about to go public. Sirius was right outside the room, not believing the Map which revealed that you and Remus were very... close. 'We finally broke it' he thought and entered the room only to squeal like a little girl and make both of you, freeze. After a moment of pure silence, two things were heard. "What on earth are you two doing?" a very confused Sirius asked. "Get out!" a very annoyed Remus demanded. You got off of your boyfriend, thankful to have all of your clothes still on. "I know this must seem weird, and I'm sorry" you began but Sirius thought he knew better. "If you wanted a one-time thing, why a Slytherin? Yeah, yeah, she's hot but mate -" Remus didn't let him finish with that and you were glad otherwise, Sirius' head might have been smashed against the wall. He was superficial. "She is my girlfriend, you moron!" he said, embarrassed of his friend. Sirius was still for a good minute. You ever grew worried but then he smiled sardonically. "So, you did bang her!" he remarked proudly. "Get out" was all Remus answered. The tension was unbearable and decided to put an end to it. "Sirius, yes, we are together, you should be mature enough to handle that, and no, he hasn't because you interrupted" you tried to sound as nonchalant as possible but you smiled towards the end. Sirius looked at you like he was looking at you for the first time. "I like her. Keep her" he said to his friend and got out of the room. You smirked with your mind already on your boyfriend. "Where were we?".

Slowly everyone started to digest that you two were in a relationship. Not everyone was okay with it but at least after a while, they left you alone. You had nothing to prove and you acted the way you wanted to, not the way you were supposed to because you were a Slytherin. That alone, made most people not just like you but actually, they wanted to be friends with you. It was strange, really. But a nice strange. The summer was approaching and it was getting hot. Lily had her head on James' shoulder, Sirius was rather loud, Peter was in detention, and Remus had placed his head on your lap as you absentmindedly played with his hair. You had decided to take a break from everything and go to the Black Lake. "I never thought I would be hanging around with a Slytherin but... I'm glad I was proven wrong" James told sincerely. And that was all you needed. "Slytherin or not, you are awesome" Sirius exclaimed. He had so much energy all the damn time but he was truly good. "And she's also mine, Pads" Remus informed his friend and you couldn't help but feel flattered that he was jealous. Lily coughed and said something that sounded much like 'testosterone', making you laugh. "Sempre tua" you softly whispered in his ear and gave him a tender kiss as he cupped your face. Everything was going to be okay.

Tags: @orionsirivsblack @nadinissavage @kapolisradomthoughts @geeksareunique

[qqueenofhades]

So after the spate of high-profile celebrity suicides recently, and the short-lived discussion of mental health that surrounds them (kind of like the way the gun control debate appears for a week after a mass shooting and then vanishes), I have had some probably disconnected thoughts that I finally felt like putting down somewhere (and honestly, I had most of this post typed up and then tumblr deleted it, so... round two and Fuck You Very Much Tumblr). I briefly thought about putting it on facebook, but a) fuck facebook, I’m barely on it anymore, and b) everyone that I care about is either or also here. So I guess it’s once more using the big blue hellsite as a diary, because I was awake until 1am last night talking to myself about this, and writing is how I work things out.

As ever, please do not feel obliged to read the post or whatever else, especially if you’re uncomfortable with the themes/subjects discussed. Again, it’s essentially for my own benefit and trying to organize things I’ve wanted to say, as a long-term sufferer of depression and anxiety who is also having a really tough time now, and how I see that reflecting on what’s happening both with me and the wider world.

Anyway.

I feel like my main reaction is one of weariness that so much of the response is “get help if you’re struggling! Reach out! Call someone! Things will get better!” Which is... helpful in its way, and I genuinely believe that the people reblogging suicide hotline numbers and “don’t kill yourself” posts and so on really want to help. I am not one to point fingers at anyone who really wants to reach out and do something to make a difference. But that’s also it? We’re barely getting to the place of recognizing depression as a legitimate problem and not stigmatizing people who have it (hah), but to me, it sounds so much like “well, I know you have two broken legs and can’t stand upright, but you should still go walk to the clinic and ask them to help you.” Again. Important. But why is so much of it centered around the assumption that the depression sufferer has the responsibility to go on an individual basis and try therapy or meds or whatever, while the mental health services that even exist are being slashed? While some people seem perfectly happy to talk about how mental health is the problem, and not readily legal assault rifles and a culture of white male entitlement and grievance), and the assumption remains that we can just treat depression on an individual, ad hoc basis, rather than looking at it systematically.

We’ve had a ton of studies and research showing that depression rates are way up, that a lot of people identify as having anxiety and mental issues and are messed up out the wazoo (which frankly, I think most of us are), and then the attendant “everyone’s a snowflake, buck up and take it on the chin!” backlash, because frankly the world is horrible and society sucks. (This opinion is sometimes subject to revision, but still.) Honestly, is this any surprise? When we’re in collapsing late-stage capitalism that has basically utterly fucked everyone born after 1980, we live in this awareness that things are systematically and unbearably evil and oppressive but the vast majority of us have no ability to do anything about that, and birth rates and marriage rates are declining because people (completely understandably) don’t want to bring children into this nightmare of a world and are realizing that traditional ideals of marriage and sexual morality are BS.... I mean, are we surprised that people just don’t want to live in this world anymore? When I find myself worrying about the idea of taking on another student loan (another of the basic commodities that it has become expected that you’ll go tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt for) and then am like, “well, there’s a less than zero chance that Western civilization collapses in my lifetime/the next ten years, and I’m going to die in debt anyway, so...”, there’s a sense of surreality and almost despondency that we’re able to know more than ever how shitty things are, but again, can’t do anything about it. Again. We can’t fix depression by telling people individually to go try therapy or whatever else. It doesn’t get at the reasons that so many of us just can’t stand the world anymore.

I feel like I’ve settled well on my belief that people, even if often beholden to centuries-old bullshit and tribalism and prejudice, are individually good, often amazingly and soul-sustainingly so (I’m not joking when I say that I would probably be dead by now if not for the kindness of strangers and friends, including many of you who I’ve met here), but society and the overall structure is pretty much rotten. We find ways to manage, to exist, to ameliorate, to distract, and I am honestly delighted for the people who can live more or less happy existences despite everything, have found a way to do that. Again, this isn’t a “don’t go to therapy!!” sort of post, because yes, if you’re depressed, you have to decide whether and how you want to get better. But sometimes you just can’t fucking do that. You just exist this way and you know how it is and it becomes sort of familiar and accounted for. 

I’m lucky to be a mostly high-functioning sufferer, who has lived with long-term and chronic depression and anxiety since at least the age of 18 (and probably, through most of my childhood as well), which has left me latently suicidal, physically fucked up, mentally exhausted, and emotionally isolated for my entire adult life. But I’ve also managed to hold jobs and complete several advanced degrees and get out of bed and put on makeup and keep my commitments and so on and otherwise outwardly resemble a normal person. So I then read posts about people who can’t get out of bed or even brush their teeth, and I start wondering if I “really” have depression or it’s just an excuse or I’m a weak person or just broken somehow else. Which is 0% helpful and is the bad brain talking, as I recognize. Looking at me from the outside, it feels like you wouldn’t guess, which also seems to be a theme with the celebrities who died. They always seemed happy and well put together and confident, until they didn’t. I turn 30 this August, and feel about 800.

And yet. I have made the choice to live, and I have continued to make the choice, and I have learned that I have a lot of strength I didn’t know I did, and I am proud of that. But I also read a post by someone I otherwise admire and whose work I really like, about how you can’t ever have the life you want until you take suicide off the table as an option, as if you can just choose once to live and not think about it again. And I just am like... how? I’ve made it before and I’ll have to do it again, but god, I wish with my entire heart that I could just make it once and not look back. I wish I could ever be confident that I could say without qualification that I want to live more than I want to die. Because well, I DON’T want to die, not really. I find things that make me happy and that give me small joys and distract me and which I enjoy. I still have a lot of things I want to do (even while feeling I won’t get the chance) and feel like it would be stupid to die because my brain doesn’t work. So I’m still here. I’ve never made a serious attempt to kill myself, and I obviously hope that doesn’t change. But it remains in the back of my head, the idea that I just wish I could switch off for five years and come back and find that things have somehow worked out. Which obviously is not the way it works, and you don’t get to temporarily go away. But this world is so hard and so tiring to live in, and sometimes it gets to me.

As for the getting help part -- I’ve been trying to do that myself recently. Go to counselling services and the university support centre and whatever else, even though it causes me anxiety to the point of physically messing me up. It feels like being drunk or hungover or just off balance and unable to see or breathe normally. I convulse in bed at night and wake up just as tired when I went to sleep and just don’t feel like I run correctly. And this is from a relatively high-functioning person who isn’t trying to stop herself (at least currently) from suicide, but just enough to keep her going. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be a person depressed to the point of being unable to get out of bed, told to call someone or reach out or whatever else. That’s practically inhumane. We live, for better or worse, in a Western “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” culture that puts the onus on the individual to fix their own problems. When honestly, the collective society that exists right now is a toxic, oppressive, and impossible one that keeps chewing up people from every walk of life and which nobody with the actual ability to do anything about it seems to want to change. Encouraging individuals with depression to seek help is nice, sure. But until something fundamentally and permanently changes in society and how we view our obligations to each other and what we are willing to do to help and to change this culture that tells you you’re responsible for your own illness, people are going to keep dying from depression in droves, and everyone else is just going to figure we’re weak. Or there will be a short-lived mental health awareness campaign, and nice things will be said, and then it will be back to business as usual.  Because man, are we good at burying our heads in the sand for any number of things.

The choice to live doesn’t usually have the luxury of being made once and then never revisited. You have to do it yearly, monthly, weekly, sometimes even daily. And frankly, I don’t blame anyone who feels that the cost-benefit analysis doesn’t really add up to staying here anymore. I’m here certainly in part because of you here on tumblr, who have indirectly (and sometimes directly) saved my life. You have talked with me on text or email or in person for years, have read my fics and thought of things you wanted to tell me and sent me nice messages and otherwise made me feel less invisible. Your kindness has been often what has sustained me, and made me decide that I’d rather be here than anywhere else, and given me what little faith in humanity I have left. And one of the reasons I write all the time (books/fics/asks/metas/papers/theses/projects...etc) is because I literally cannot stand to live in my own head if I don’t. I do love creating things and am happy that people enjoy what I post here, and it’s a major source of pleasure and distraction for me. But I also do it because I will literally cease to function (in what limited capacity I have) if I don’t. I have to do it in order to live with myself and this monster at all, and that is also tiring. 

Overall, we’re all fucked-up people with a very dark sense of humor, whose compassion and conscience is about all we have going for us, and we just have to try to cling together and do for each other what we can. And god, I’m grateful for it. I have a lot of financial terror right now in addition to everything else, and am looking into the aforementioned student loan for short-term stabilizing (limited work rights are a Bitch), and I basically paid my rent last month because of you guys. So yeah, you’ve made the difference for a stranger on the internet being homeless or not, and I have no idea why, but please know that it means more to me than I can ever say, and I hope to give back what I can.

(I also still have a Kofi account, while I’m trying to get things under control here, so... again, entirely up to you.)

I’m not sure how I will make it to December and (supposedly, ha) my PhD graduation, let alone after that. I will probably have to choose to live again several more times between now and then, and then again after that. I hope I can continue to do that. And I hope I can talk to you, both if you need someone to listen and whatever I can do for you by that, and if I do the same.

If you’ve read all the way to the bottom, mazel tov.