#and yes i also just want to see caduceus with the hells but. i think he could help them.

[crystal-lillies]

also unironically i think now/in the near future would be the best time for the bells hells to meet one friendly neighborhood firbolg grave cleric of the wildmother to have it out with their collective grief, not just of FCG, but for everything they've had to go through in such a short time

[utilitycaster]

Something that I find misses the point so completely it is breathtaking is when people are like "this player hates engaging with their backstory" about the CR cast. It's pretty much never true, and what's worst is that I've seen it the most about Travis and Taliesin, two of the players who I think have the strongest grasp on how to create and engage with a backstory.

The choice to have a character who avoids elements of their past can be a valid, informed, and deliberate character choice. People run from their pasts! People decide not to pursue things for a number of reasons - because it hurts too much, because they're scared to know the answer, because they think the people around them don't care, and because their interests change. Caduceus very much is an avoidant character. He has access to Sending by the time we first meet him, and he never uses it to try to contact his family. That's not Taliesin being stupid or avoiding. That's Caduceus making a conscious choice to not ask the question "is my family dead" because he is terrified the answer is yes. He waits for a concrete sign to go after his family to the point of deep loneliness and self-harm out of this fear. That's a crucial trait that you need to understand him as a character! Ashton is also on some level similar in that he engages in no shortage of harmful, wallowing, and self-indulgent behaviors - and that is a choice. They also have obviously messy feelings about the Hishari and it's pretty plain to see they feel extremely conflicted about their growing bonds with Bells Hells because now they'll feel bad if Bells Hells leaves them. So of course he's hesitant to bring this to Orym, because then he's entrusted Orym with this information, and he has to care, and again, this is a major part of who Ashton is.

The same goes with Fjord and Vandran (and Sabian). One of the core themes of Fjord's story is deciding whether to run from or embrace your past, and which parts of that past you want to bring forward as you change, which means that to explore that, he has to do some running! He makes efforts to learn more about where they are (going to search for Vandran during the Zadash downtime; hiring a bounty hunter for Sabian) but those get interrupted by Fjord's shifting feelings about Vandran, and fact that this is an ensemble and the story naturally shifts.

Which brings us to the practical element. Fjord doesn't want to release Uk'otoa at the time, so it makes sense to return to the mainland and process next steps, and the focus of the story then turns to rescuing Yeza, and then finding Yasha, and rescuing Caduceus's family, and changing Veth back, and brokering peace, and TravelerCon, and Eiselcross. Through this, he still in fact does quite a lot of backstory work (changing patrons and taking a paladin oath, asking Jester to contact Vandran), as well as an immense amount of character growth and engagement with the ongoing story, but Travis doesn't wrench everything off its natural course just to check off every box on Fjord's list, because that would be selfish, obnoxious, and not fun to watch. And Caduceus achieves exactly what he set out to do! He found and rescued his family and found a way to hold off the corruption! Despite his avoidance, he covers all the bases! And as for Ashton...we've had precious little time to cover anyone's backstory in depth other than Imogen's, and we've actually seen a decent amount of Ashton's backstory regardless with their contacts in Bassuras and their interactions with Jiana. There simply was not time in Bassuras to stray from the main objectives and search for the Nobodies, and I think if we had people would be annoyed since that arc already took a very long time (and, for what it's worth, rather like Fjord, Ashton has explicitly asked after The Nobodies. Do not mistake lack of payoff for character disinterest).

It is, to me, incredibly telling this criticism is most commonly seen about the two players who I think also get the most "well they had an central arc/more focus than my fave" criticism.There's no way to make everyone in the fandom happy, and I think Travis and Taliesin are the players at the table who most understand that and give the least fucks about what the fandom thinks, and who (possibly relatedly) have some of the strongest grasps of narrative and what it means to play in an ensemble. Which is in my opinion a major factor in why their characters are so good - even the ones I do not vibe with are fully realized and well-crafted, because the players are not trying to make likeable characters, but rather interesting ones, and they're not trying to take center stage, but rather be generous at the table.

[captainsspnanon]

The Kingsley Commentary

My rants about Kingsley, removed from the main reaction post

Putting in the obvious disclaimer that this is all my personal opinion and my interpretations of a character may not match the interpretation that you have of the character.  Feel free to think that I am wrong as much as you like!  But holy shit I needed to VENT.

With the Beau and Kingsley conversation before break

“I can see Jester, I can see Fjord, I can see Caduceus” fucking where?  I’m believing that this is fully pulled from Beau’s/Marisha’s ass, as Kingsley is all the worst parts of Molly and Lucien without having the benefit of being a fun villain.  He smarmily backtalks every line, he’s made it pretty clear that he doesn’t really like Jester or Fjord much and is heavily dismissive of them (and he’s done it loudly enough and constantly enough that it feels like the ‘i’m making a Joke TM but it’s actually true’ versus a friend just picking at each other.  Yes, I did still try to look at this aspect without bias – it’s INCREDIBLY different than when Veth and Fjord pick at each other, versus how Kingsley does.)  *watches more of the conversation* Well, there’s confirmation Kingsley doesn’t have respect for Fjord.  And I call bullshit on the respect for Jester.  Then again, I’ve lost my attempted non-bias at this point.  Kingsley ‘taking care of the crew’ is technically true, though I have no clue how much of it is actually taking care of them or just trying to undermine Fjord – cause part one made it feel 98% undermining Fjord.  Even his asking about Molly is based in “I want to be better than the other two” but in a way that feels arrogant rather than anything else.  YES THIS IS INCREDIBLY SUBJECTIVE OF ME I DON’T CARE

Plank King ending

No.  Fuck you.  I hate this ending because it is the most unearned bullshit ever.  

Percy and Vex’s ending?  Earned, because we followed their entire story through the campaign, see every step and struggle they take, and getting the Good Ending is narratively earned.  

The endings from the very end of C2, where Kingsley joins the Revelry, NOT becoming Plank King (I still can’t find how the hell this entered fan consciousness, as 141 and the wrap up never ever state it), and the rest of the Nein have quiet, normal-ish lifes?  Fucking earned to hell.  In a narrative that was NOT about the big heroes, their biggest reward was being happy.  Even the recap epilogues here which are basically the same thing as 141 are perfect.  But in 141, Kingsley becomes part of the Revelry?  Worked because it matched with his personality (and lol this two shot proves that even more) because he wants to sail and adventure (and steal and kill and be a cruel dick to people that he doesn’t give two shits about).  

Being the Plank King though?  Sitting on a throne while people just bring him treasure, and he has to essentially govern the whole Revelry (even though it’s more of a laissez-faire thing?)  That doesn’t seem to match with his character at all.  

ALSO is the fact that it’s narratively completely unearned.  A character that shows up for two full episodes and I dunno, maybe half an hour in the main campaign?  Suddenly in the ruler of a whole big plot setting from early in the campaign?  Feels like grubby grabby hands gimme the coolest ending.  Not only that, but give me a position of authority that can show up in future campaigns even though I’m still essentially a complete unknown.  Oh, and let’s not fucking forget the “I wave my hand and wipe away a big conflict from the campaign with absolutely no real resolution whatsoever aren’t I so awesome?” No, and fuck this ending forever.  I don’t care if it’s canon, I’m full on headcanoning it away because fuck that shit.  You know what this feels like?  You want to know???  It’s like if fucking Darrow of the Stubborn Stock suddenly sent Caleb a message going ‘no worries, have taken down the Cerberus Assembly, you’re fine!’ It’s not fucking EARNED.  Beau and Caleb slowly slowly slowly taking down the Assembly, or even just clearing out maybe one or two more people?  Fucking earned!  Darrow?  HOW MANY OF YOU ACTUALLY REMEMBER WHO DARROW IS???  But he’s been around for just as long as Kingsley, if not fucking longer.

I went into the two shot giving Kingsley a chance and I’ve ended up fully fucking hating him, officially what I consider to be the worst part of the entire campaign.  Probably even the worst part of ALL campaigns.

[ice-and-starlight]

It's been a few days, but if you were still interested in that ask meme....

M: Got any premises on the back burner that you’d care to share?

=D Yeay! An ask!

Hooooo, okay, so, I have a LOT of fanfic that I'm theoretically working on/daydreaming about that doesn't get shared, but, uh, lets see what's not too horrifying to share...

I spent a couple of weeks a few months ago binge-watching Criminal Minds, and got infected by a plotbunny of Dean Winchester/Aaron Hotchner(/Haley Brooks) as a sort of... fix it crossover where, because they're both protagonists from rather different genres, their different approach manages to fix things in the other 'verse.

As in, Dean kills Foyet in proper I'm-fresh-out-of-hell-and-you-did-WHAT-to-my-boyfriend?! style. With added bonus 'you think you're good with a knife? Boy, have I got some things to show you. Say hello to Alastair for me when you get down there'.

And Hotch (and the team) profile the fucking devil so well they manage to talk him down from trying to wipe out humanity. (He goes off to fuck up heaven instead.)

I've gotten bits and pieces of, well, backstory written up, plus some 'Dean meets the BAU' and 'Hotch meets hunters' scenes that I love, but I've gotten stuck on something really stupid and just haven't managed to get my brain to move past it, so I haven't actually written the parts I started writing the story for yet ^^" (this happens to me a lot).

What else?

I have been working, on and off, on a Critical Role Time Travel AU that's actually kind of a spin-off of my very first Critical Role fic which is 'Molly lives rent-free in Caleb's head for the entire rest of the campaign' because as I was watching it I was constantly thinking 'but how would Molly react to this?!' so I wrote it (some of it).

And then I thought 'okay, but what if, okay, I know time-travel is supposed to be semi-impossible, but what if it is technically POSSIBLE, it's just that going backwards through time essentially destroys the soul/spirit/whatever, EXCEPT, of course, that when Caleb does it, he has a BONUS SOUL coming along for the ride, and it's basically enough for Molly to get through more or less intact?'

And then the Moonweaver is like 'fuck, you are my Most Troublesome Worshipper, what am I going to do with you?' and Molly is, you know, themself, so the Moonweaver, also being a goddess of lovers trysts, nudges things until Lucien ends up with twin baby brothers (Molly and Kingsley are both Aspects of the same being, and thus inextricably linked, so bits and pieces of Kingsley got dragged along for the ride, only not enough for him to have more than Weird Instincts) and a bonus Moonweaver Cleric mum.

Was this an excuse to write canon!verse Tealeaf triplets? Yes. Yes it was.

Did it turn into a Ridiculous Epic Saga of the Tea Leaves (Molly, Kingsley, Caduceus, Keg, and Ophelia Mardun) treking across all of Wildmount trying to save people from the future and stumbling into messes along the way? Yes. Yes it did.

Did I actually manage to write any of the actual story? No. I wrote backstory instead, and ended up mostly writing about the adventures of two separate Parent Squads that are probably... 40-60% OCs? doing a tiny little Molly's bidding. It very much became a And You Get A Parent And You Get A Parent And You Get Three Parents story.

I have Such Plans for this AU (including, importantly, a Shadowidomauk endgame), but, alas, actually writing it is proving... difficult.

One more for luck?

Hmm... I have Ideas for a Peaky Blinders AU based on my Little Sallyanne fic? It's not very well fleshed out yet, but it definitely results in Sally murdering the shit out of her brother's terrible wife, adopting her nibling, and going on to severely fuck up nazis when WWII rolls around.

This one is Percolating, and I'm really not sure what I want to do with it, exactly. Just general Vibes of Tommy being the feral gremlin mentor to my beloved feral gremlin child. (Also, Sally getting semi-adopted by Alfie Solomons, maybe, because here's this child going around claiming to be Jewish when she's not, and Alfie's like 'no, either you fucking Stop That, or you commit to the fucking bit' and Sally's like '-starry eyes- Okay Dad'. I would have to do a lot of research to do this justice because I'm aware that I don't know enough to know how to write this properly ^^" Basically, I just want everyone adopting her like a starving feral cat who will absolutely bite the hand that feeds her)

Technically, I think you can say that things like Never Simple, Not All Who Wander, and the various other unfinished things on my writing blog are all on a backburner right now? As well as the next instalments in my Somewhere Just Beyond My Reach and Gramarye and Trapped In The Amber series also count. I am Thinking About Them a lot, but there's either not enough for me to get my teeth stuck into, or my teeth are stuck and I can't chew on them properly =P

[kathyprior4200]

Heavenly Boss S2 E4: Happy Carolers

The sky was a vibrant green in The Halo of Diligence. Businessmen and women with angel wings flew from building to building, always busy. Beaver angels were repairing buildings and worker bees were giving out divine nectar to the denizens. There were hospitals everywhere and the sheep workers were prudent to ensure all the needs of their clients were met. One hospital made of white marble was called “Goode To Shews,” and was run by angel sheep and cherubs. Diligence was busy like New York City but without the crime, congestion, and stress. The majority of denizens seemed happy, productive and alert. Advertisements showed a smiling angel with a caduceus wearing a doctor’s white coat against a green background: “RaphaelCares: 911 is a flash of white light away!”

“Hello,” said a female voice to a beaver doctor wearing a hospital gown. Their figures were briefly shadowed as they talked in one of the hospital rooms. “Have you seen my brother anywhere?”

“No, I haven’t,” the beaver replied, stepping into the light. He wore a white doctor’s coat with a green cross logo with a halo on top of it. His nametag read “Doctor Woodchuck.” A white halo was over his head, and he had small angel wings behind him. He held a wooden clipboard and took notes with a wooden pencil. He had brown fur on his face and body, two long buckteeth, and a beaver tail. One monocle was over his eye.

“I haven’t seen him in so long, I miss him.”

“Well, I hope you find him soon,” said Doctor Woodchuck. “He might be in another Halo. Also, I appreciate you coming in for your regular appointments. It’s always great to see you.”

“I’ll keep looking. Thank you,” said the tall female figure. They waved goodbye and the female darted off into the distance.

0 0 0

Back in the Humility Halo, Docile strolled into the office, bright and clean and ready to work.

“Who’s the new client?” Docile asked.

Tirred and Timmid stared at a tall new angel with long white hair with a red streak in it. He had white wings, a gray face, and wore a black shirt and white pants. His belly revealed red lava inside him. He had a dark blue necklace that looked like part of a yin-yang symbol. His eyes glowed blue.

“Apologies for the strange appearance. I used to be a choir teacher back on Earth,” he said. “We were all going on a field trip to see a volcano. After taking a selfie with the kids, one of the kids climbed over the rusted railing. I managed to rescue him, but…the railing broke apart and I fell into the volcano in the process. Another teacher tried to help me in vain…his name is Timmy. Timmy is a big no-drugs advocate and a fellow Christian. Though I do know some Christians who do drugs on the side…not pretty. Anyway, I arrived here in Heaven and now I guess I’m immune to lava, ironically.”

Docile smiled. “You’re not afraid of volcanos anymore?”

“Goodness yes, I’m still scared of them!” he exclaimed. “But yes, if I have to go into lava, I can. I’ve gotten so many requests to create lava cannons and brimstone bombs to use against the demons, but going to Hell is the last thing I want to do. I’m a singer, not a fighter!”

“Interesting,” said Docile. “I’ll be glad to help on this mission.”

“Say, Docile,” Timmid mentioned, “Don’t you think we should do the mission this time, just me and Tirred? There’s been news about an elf working around in Diligence and Earth.”

Docile raised his eyebrows. “Yeah?”

“…and she seems to be looking for you. Seems desperate to find you.”

Timmid mentioned to the elf’s Gracebook profile on Docile’s blue laptop with a golden apple logo. An ad was off to the side that showed two smiling angels for “Chastinder: find your perfect spouse without sin and drama: sign up today!” “Adonai Ad-Block, blocks all irrelevant ads 99% of the time! (Save for Evangelical 1% “Spread the Good News! Accept Jesus as your savior here and now and stay in Heaven! Support us and you won’t have to worry about Hell or Earth! Afterlife’s good!”)

The profile showed: “Holly Wata. Currently looking for work! Previous experience in a choir (performer). Experience: Singing, Advocate against sex and drugs, Performing, Pastor Apprenticeship, Bible study, Religion study.”

“I…um…think she’s fine on her own,” Docile added nervously.

“Are you two related?” Tirred asked.

“Yeah, you said you had a sister, right?” Timmid asked.

“Haven’t seen her in a while,” Docile said with a shrug.

“Why don’t you go see her? Take some time off,” Timmid suggested.

Docile stepped back. “I don’t think I should, I have a client to help, and we need the cashflow. The client needs help to let his living family members know he’s okay...”

“We’ll take care of that!” Timmid beamed. “Right, Tirred?”

Tirred shrugged, unenthused about going back to Earth. “Sure, I guess.”

“Go see your sister,” Timmid encouraged her boss. “We’ll take it from here.”

Docile sighed as Timmid and Tirred went off with the client out of the room. Sunna was fast asleep on a chair, with catnip sprinkled on the table.

After talking with the client, Timmid presented a bulletin board to Tirred who rolled his eyes. It showed various places on Earth, different church locations, maps, and the like.

“This is a bit much, Timmid,” he said.

“This is our first mission on our own, so we need to be prepared. Don’t forget our human disguises.”

“Right,” Tirred grumbled. “Wouldn’t want someone like you being fawned over by a bunch of camp kids while I’m left in the dust.”

Timmid raised her eyebrows. “Huh? What’s that supposed to mean?!”

“Nothing…”

“Let me remind you, Tir, that we are still not fully back together. And we are going caroling, not camping. So be on your best behavior, or you’ll see both our butts being fired.”

“Fine,” Tirred crossed his arms and smoothed out his angel wings. “Let’s get it over with. But no distractions this time! Being around mortals makes me gag.”

“You don’t hear God or Jesus saying that,” Timmid glared. “Now let’s go, we have a lot of work to do.”

No one noticed Docile reading a Bible passage in his office…and him accidentally falling through a portal to a wintery scene on Earth below…

0 0 0

With the help of a crystal from Camael, the two elves found themselves in a winter wonderland somewhere on Earth. The city lights and lamps glowed in the snowy night and a bridge led the way to a forest with some cabins. Families in cabins and houses were happily chatting with hot chocolate in mugs while kids built snowmen in front yards.

Tirred had his human disguise with short black hair, white skin and a heavy green jacket and black long pants. Timmid wore a red jacket, a Santa hat and a purple jacket, pantyhose, and a white dress underneath. Her curly hair was white, matching her disguised white skin.

Tirred snickered. “If you took that jacket off, you’d look like a washed-out bride. ‘Tammy!’”

“Shut up, ‘Tiren’,” she retorted with his fake name. “We have to focus. Where would we find a singing group where the client and the teacher would be?”

Tirred shrugged. “How about that one?”

Tirred pointed to a nearby sign that read “LuvDaLawd Choir Performance Tonight!”

Tirred beamed. “Convenient, isn’t it? Let’s go!”

“Wait!” said Timmid. “Shouldn’t we just ask around so we know where the performance is? Or at least take some time to enjoy the view?”

“We can enjoy the view after our mission is done,” Tirred said. “You said we needed to focus...and I just pointed out the fastest way there.”

Timmid sighed. “Fine, we’ll do it your way.” As she followed him, she pleaded, “Can we at least stop by the bakery for some angel food cake…?”

“Timmid!”

“Right, heh, heh, sorry.”

The disguised elves wandered through the snowy streets, eying toys displayed in store windows and candy cane decorations by the trees.

“Look, there it is!” said Timmid. Up ahead was a tall church building with spires jutting the cloudy night sky. A “LuvDaLawd” sign was placed near the double doors. Stained glass windows in the building showed Jesus, angels, a shepherd, a white dove, and other beautiful art. They headed inside and spotted a children’s choir. They were dressed in white, holding candles and singing “Glory to the Newborn King.” Timmid and Tirred happily and respectfully watched on brown wooden benches with groups of parents.

After several more songs, the children bowed, and the parents politely clapped.

“Docile would love this,” Timmid smiled.

“Yeah, I guess,” Tirred said, standing up. “But aren’t we supposed to be looking for his sister or whatever?”

“Yeah, and also find anyone connected to our client to comfort, like that teacher he told us about.”

“That’s a lot for one mission. We don’t even know what he looks like.”

“Could it be that one?” Timmid asked.

They spotted a man with wild white hair and glasses. “Excuse me, sir,” Timmid asked, walking up to him. “Do you happen to know anyone by the name of…erm…”

“Huh?” the man asked puzzled.

Tirred turned to the puzzled Timmid and hissed. “I can’t believe you don’t know our client’s name!”

“Shouldn’t you have asked him that?” Timmid asked.

“I thought he would tell us!” Tirred scowled. “Now he’s just gonna be known as the aquatic demon sinner counselor client…”

“Uh, I think you mean the seraphim angel saint teacher client,” Timmid chided. “Seriously, for someone who hates demons, your mind sure goes a lot to them. Plus, your names are a mouth full.”

“That’s not what I meant, and you know it.”

“I’m surprised that you don’t take field trips to Hell.”

“I’d only do it to bash their brains out,” Tirred barred his teeth.

“Unpopular opinion, I’d think Heaven would be a lot better without the Exorcists and all this violence, going against ‘thou shalt not kill…’”

“Again, we kill them for good reason. I’ve had these petty arguments with you before and I’m sick of it. Now stop being such a whiny wallflower wimp and help me talk to the…”

“…teacher?”

 Tirred and Timmid paused as the man stared at them wide-eyed, blowing out a puff of marijuana smoke from a pipe. He fiddled with his bow tie on his suit. Some of the other teachers were glaring at him.

The man then coughed out loud and chuckled nervously. “Well, it seems you lovebirds have a lot to talk about…but I think I’d better get going. Lots of drugs…erm…hugs to give out, ya know!”

He fiddled with his glasses and scurried away.

Timmid’s face brightened. “Wait, sir, what’s your name?!”

The man didn’t answer and vanished.

“Weird Waldo is his name,” a blond lady teacher mentioned. “Pissog” was scribbled over her name tag and a nearby kid snickered with a marker in his hand. The lady continued. “At least that’s his nickname. He loves Jesus like the rest of us, but thanks to his family, he’s been addicted to pot for a while. Surprised he didn’t get caught. One teacher was secretly gay and when we found out, he got kicked out. I heard one of the kids had an unusually close relationship with one of the pasters here…don’t know much else since the paster’s still here and the kid is not.”

Tirred and Timmid glanced uneasily at one of the well-dressed men leading a sermon in the background.

“I just remembered the teacher’s name,” Timmid brightened and looked at Tirred. “Jimmy! Do you know if he’s around?”

The lady shrugged. “Haven’t had anyone named Jimmy here.”

Timmid looked downcast. “Great, now we’ll have to look at another caroling camp.”

Tirred got straight to the point. “You have any teachers fall from a cliff on field trips recently?”

The lady looked teary-eyed. “Oh yes, last week when that one guy rescued that kid, but fell off the canyons in the process. I was with another class nearby when it happened. Another teacher was the hero’s good friend…Timmy was his name, I believe.”

“Where is he?”

“Try the courtyard. He often helps with protests there.”

“Oh, thank you!” Timmid said. The lady smiled and strolled away. The two elves walked through the church, their footsteps echoing.

Tirred smirked. “You thought his name was Jimmy? Who’s stupid now?”

Timmid elbowed him. “Shut it!”

They arrived at the courtyard, but no one was there.

“What a bust,” grumbled Tirred. “Now what do we do?”

“The only thing left to do in a time like this,” Timmid sighed and then winked.

0 0 0

Much to Tirred’s protest, they found themselves building snowmen, drinking hot chocolate, and signing carols off-key for several days. Timmid giggled as Tirred “volunteered” to teach the kids various notes during choir practice.

“Now this is an awesome mission!” Timmid laughed as she fired snowball after snowball to Tirred’s face.

“Don’t make me call Docile,” he shivered, shaking off the snow. “He’s not gonna be happy about this. In fact, I’m going off to protest against sin on the street.”

“Have it your way,” Timmid said. “I’ll just stay here and earn more favor from these churchgoers.”

Tirred wandered off, trying not to slip on the icy sidewalk. He slipped anyway and crashed right into…

“What the? Sir?!”

Docile had walked right into him and both fell in a heap in the snow. Tirred and Docile transformed back into their elf selves.

“What are you doing here?!” Tirred asked.

“Fell through a hole after praying that I wouldn’t have to see her again…”

“Who?” Tirred asked.

“The one who’s searching for me…who’s super annoying, even though I still love her.”

“What have you been doing all this time?”

“Working at a nearby soup kitchen and trying to stay warm,” Docile replied. “And looking for a Bible to get back.”

“Well, Timmid and I are still trying to find the teacher.”

“We better hurry, it’s freezing out here.”

Timmid raced over to catch up, also turning back into her elf form. “There you are, Tirred. Just got done with the final choir performance. They all loved me when I joined in, it’s a shame you weren’t there to complain about it. Oh, hello Docile!”

“You got here fast,” Tirred said. “How did you know where I was?”

“I could hear your grumpy thoughts from far away.”

“I know we’re angels but stop reading people’s minds!” Tirred barked. “I was on my way to the ‘LuvDaLawd’ protest.”

“You don’t have to look far, because there it is,” said Docile, pointing.

Up ahead, they saw a bunch of people holding up signs that read, “Just say no to drugs!” “Lust is the greatest sin!” “Let Jesus Save You!” “The Devil Does Drugs…God Stays Pure.” “No Pork!” “There are plenty of vices in Hell!” “Read This Sign! I Can’t Think of Anything To Say, But If You Are Reading This, It’s Never Too Late to Help Me With Your Donation. $”

Docile then spotted two people at the front of the crowd. One was the teacher, Timmy, who had tried to rescue the angel client. He was dressed in long blue jeans, a white sweater with a gold cross on it and had black short sleek hair. He was holding up a sign in his hands that read “LuvDaLawd, Prove Your Goodness to God!”

Then Docile spotted the tall woman next to him, and his eyes widened. She had white skin, light blue eyes, long blonde hair in ponytails and was wearing a watch with a pink Camael crystal in it. She wore a long dress with teal and blue stripes on it, and white furry tall boots. In the street, she was burning a pile of heroin and drugs, while also tossing in adult novels, which were being handed to her by the teacher. The crowd cheered as the so-called banned books crumbled and fizzled in the flames.

Docile gasped…there was no mistaking the white family mark on her forehead that also matched the one on Docile.

“HOLLY!” Docile called.

The woman turned around and smiled in surprise. “DOCILE?!”

“That’s your sister, isn’t it?” Tirred asked.

“Yep,” Docile sighed.

“Oh, my twin brother!” Holly Wata raced toward him with a hug. Docile flinched. “It’s been too long! I’ve been looking everywhere for you. Haven’t seen you since spotting you at Camael’s Corner briefly. I searched much of Diligence but then figured you were near E.L.F. You weren’t there, but by then, it was time for me to head to Earth.”

“Earth?” Docile asked, stepping back. “How are you allowed to go to Earth?”

Holly brushed her blonde hair back. “You know how in Hell, succubi and incubi can travel to Earth thanks to magical crystals from Asmodeus? How Asmodeus allows them to come up to Earth to spread drugs, lust, and other sins in an attempt to bring more humans to Hell? Yeah, we angels do not like the thought of those filthy beings taking over Earth and especially not Heaven. So, Camael, archangel of the Chasity Halo formed a group of angels of many species, including elves and cherubs to help counter that spread. Thanks to these Camaelean crystals, we come up here to spread the Good News, and warn humans about the dangers of drugs and sex. Timmy is a human that works for me.”

“I helped fund the abstinence classes for schools,” Timmy smiled. “Still seems to work…mostly…”

Docile groaned out loud. “Holly, I’ve told you before. I know you have good intentions of wanting to make the world a better place. But your methods seem a little extreme.”

“You really think being passive about these issues will stop the demons from influencing mortal’s minds?” Holly asked, folding her arms. “No one is doing anything to stop them and that is why I must continue the mission. As a matter of fact…”

She stepped closer. “I’m surprised you didn’t join me much earlier.” Docile gulped.

Timmid seethed. “Hey, lady! That’s my boss. He’s been very busy coming to Earth as well to…”

“Save humans from early death and demons?” Holly asked. “Yes, I know about that. But the thing is…heading to Earth to do such dirty work? That’s usually for the cherubs and it is very risky without human disguises.”

“I use mine all the time…” Docile began.

“You may try and save all the humans you can, but with demons still leading people to suicide and possession and so many vices, the cycle will never end. The only way to truly slow down the madness is to shine the light of righteousness at the source. Once more humans are aware of the sins and the demons and choose to stop, the demons won’t have any leverage. More humans will be protected by the Lord’s grace…at least the worthy ones…and those demons will leave Earth alone…especially after Judgment Day is over with.”

“That’s not for another eternity,” Timmid mentioned.

“No! It could happen at any time!” Holly remarked. “Jesus needs to know that many people can be redeemed, the more the better. We angels are here to help speed up the process.”

“I like your thinking!” Tirred exclaimed, but then added, “Still, it would be much better to fight the demons outright. Maybe send the Exorcists to Earth as well as Hell?”

There was an intense silence. Even the protestors stopped in the snow in confusion. “Look at their stupid alien elf costumes,” one of them muttered. “They’re green Vulcans!”

“HEAVEN’S NO!” cried Holly and Docile at the same time. “You know how bloodthirsty those things are?!”

Docile and Holly looked at each other. “Jinx!” Holly laughed as Docile rolled his eyes. She laughed more before turning serious again.

“Why don’t you go back to singing with Camael and leave mortals out of things,” Docile scoffed, folding his arms.

Holly raised an eyebrow. “Please, Docile, I need your help. You have great choir and performance skills like me, but you’re also a great leader. I know you don’t like any pressure, like when Dad wanted you to be an Exorcist, but I promise, this will be different. No violence, no sadness, none of that. You will empower the humans with your words and gradually eliminate sin one day at a time. I am lucky to be able to have this decent work, and I’ll be even luckier to have you by my side. I don’t want you gone for so long again.”

“So, what do you think?” she asked. “Are you ready to make a difference in the world?”

Docile lowered his head, feeling guilty about upsetting his sister. He looked at his employees. Holly was his family, but at the same time, Docile had found a new family. There was a strange feeling inside that told him that ruthless violence or dogmatic propaganda were not real solutions against the demonic threats. Not that he wanted to befriend any demons…but perhaps…demons could be redeemed in their own way? Why hadn’t God stopped them already? With a snap of His fingers, the demons could just disappear. But why allow them to exist…why allow sin to grip the minds of mortals and immortals alike? And was sin completely bad…or perhaps it could be modified to better fit the needs of all the parties?

Docile gazed at the loud demanding protest ahead of him and saw that it was just adding fuel to the fire, literally. Flames rose as more books and adult sex toys were added to the burning pile. A kid screamed and cried as a red-devil teddy bear was snatched away from him by Timmy. The toy was tossed into the inferno, plastic eyes melting. A gay lesbian couple sobbed in the background as a framed picture of them was tossed into the fire, too.

Docile thought about what his mother had said when he was little, his mother who had very different beliefs than many denizens of Heaven: “Sometimes the ugliest meanest monster needs the most love. And sometimes the brightest angel can be a master of deception.” Docile could almost see his mother’s face in the flames.

“I think…” Docile began, gathering courage. “I think you need to stop.”

Holly raised her eyebrow. “What?”

“This…this is all wrong. Instead of just reminding people to follow Jesus and be good, your crew is policing and punishing people for undesirable behavior. You really think berating people for being gay or unmarried or liking porn in private will change anything?”

“Those sins must be eliminated,” Holly said. “No marriage equals no happy families for kids. Look at all the women in careers and more children being neglected. Society will crumble.”

“And unhappy marriages or forced marriages mean broken families and dead kids,” Docile countered. “You’re eliminating natural love.”

“God’s love is the only love that matters. I’m also steering people away from unconventional and toxic sex,” she said. “More porn leads to more abuse and death. And this makes demons all the more powerful.”

“I hate porn as much as you do, but sex is a natural instinct,” Docile said, fist raised. “Teens need to be taught how to do it safely and children already know about it. You can’t try to avoid something that will happen to most everyone.”

“People cannot control their primal instincts. The only proper way is with a married couple for procreation. The demons latch onto everything else.”

“So, I guess humanity needs to die out since no one can do sex right.”

“You have no morals, brother.”

“And you have no compassion for mortals. You claim to want to save them, but you don’t know how complex they are. You don’t even warn people of gun dangers!”

 “You don’t understand mortals, either. Perhaps it’s time for you to learn that saving mortals is not all fun and games. And we still need guns for protection.”

“So criminals can keep shooting children? Why aren’t we burning guns in your pile?!”

Holly was at a loss for words. “Um…I-I guess so we can shoot those who would dare burn the Bible?”

“You sound like Dad in a bad mood,” Docile shook his head. “There’s a good reason why I decided to not see you all this time.”

Holly gasped. “You…you deliberately wanted to stay away from me?!”

In a flash of light, Holly Wata turned into her true elf form: dark teal green skin, pointy elf ears, blue/teal eyes, bald like Docile, white angel wings on her back and a halo over her head. Black scar lines decorated her arms. Tears fell from her eyes. “W-why can’t we just get along and spend time like when we were kids? I can’t believe you!”

“You don’t believe me anymore? Well, believe this!” Docile cried, pulling out his staff. A jet of holy water shot out from his staff, dowsing the fire. The protestors started to boo.

“And I’ll tell everyone at Camael’s Corner that your blonde hair was just a wig!”

“No, it was real hair from a magic potion! It was…just temporary.”

“I will have to stop you,” Docile mentioned.

Holly tried to slap the staff from her brother’s hands. “No, I will not let you sabotage my job!”

Tirred growled. “I like your work but keep your hands off my boss!”

“Actually,” Tirred continued, “I think it’s time to tell Timmy that the person he tried to save is happy and safe in Heaven.”

“Oh, thank Jesus,” Timmy sighed with relief.

“Timmid, could you go with Timmy and tell our client’s family that he’s okay?”

“Yes, sir,” Timmid smiled.

“Hey, I’m the sir here!” Docile glared at Tirred.

“I just wanna get this mission done.”

Timmid grabbed onto Timmy and teleported away.

Holly pulled out her staff and shot a sphere of light that spread around the area. The crowd walked safely away as if nothing were happening. The elves ripped their jackets off, revealing their usual work clothes. Docile and Tirred clashed staffs with Holly, who was more than a match for both of them. Holly flipped into the air, sending blasts of light at the duo. Tirred and Docile dodged the attacks, moving toward her on either side. She jumped onto both of their staffs before ascending into the air. She twirled around, sending the blasts of light from Docile’s staff back at them.

Docile dodged the blasts again.

Before long, Timmid and Timmy returned in a flash of light. “We’re back,” she said. “Timmy managed to find the family and I blessed them.”

“Good work, Timmid,” Tirred began before he was knocked into the air by Holly. Timmid caught him.

“Enough of this, Holly!” Docile brushed off his work suit. “I don’t want to fight you!”

Holly looked at Timmy and he lifted up his sign again. This time it said, “Last chance, Docile.”

Docile seethed and shook his head. He walked over to Timmy. “Please do something else with your life. You don’t have to tell other people what to think.”

Holly clicked her tongue sadly. “Have it your way, brother. I’ll just send you back home so I can get back to work.”

She let out angelic vocals that caused many humans to smile and sway in delight. Light glowed around her in the air and a golden beam light appeared from her staff.

“Watch out, sir!” Tirred yelled, pushing Docile aside. The light flew from her staff, heading right to where Docile was before…

The beam hit Timmy as if it were in slow motion. Timmy gasped as his body turned into a brilliant golden light, his physical features disappearing. He then faded as his soul traveled to Heaven, the now blank sign remaining behind on the ground. The elves stood breathlessly still.

“Yeshua’s Holy Backside!” Holly swore in anger and sobs. “Thanks a lot, Docile! Now I need a new job! I can’t believe I just…”

Docile help up his hands. “It was just an accident! I know we haven’t always gotten along, but I won’t let you get banished to Hell!”

“You’d better not!”

“On the bright side, the teachers are now back together in a peaceful world. But now it means we’ll have to come back and give Timmy’s family comfort,” said Timmid.

Tirred groaned. “Can we save that for tomorrow?”

“As far as anyone else knows,” Timmid began, “Timmy was walking in the woods and got eaten by a bear. I’ll relay the news tomorrow.”

“You should’ve stuck with me,” Holly pleaded to Docile. “You just left with no call, no note…please let me help you…let’s catch up, amend things…”

“Just because I’m your brother doesn’t mean I want to help you in your toxic propaganda,” Docile said coldly. “Not to mention cozying up to cynical, choir-crazed Camael. If you keep bothering me like this…then, I never wanna see you, ever!”

More somber silence.

Holly created a light circular portal back to Diligence in Heaven with her crystal, a deep glare at Docile. “The next time you wanna ruin my plans, Docile…don’t!” Holly disappeared as the portal closed.

Docile sighed and Tirred and Timmid lowered their heads.

“That was pretty harsh, sir,” Tirred mentioned.

“It had to be done,” Docile said. “Thank you guys for the help.”

“How are we going to get back without a Bible?” Tirred asked.

His question was answered as Holly tossed a Bible onto his head from above, through a light portal.

“Ow!” he spat.

“Let’s go,” said Docile. He recited a passage, and they were soon out of the snow and back in their clean E.L.F. office. Sunna was fast asleep on the table. She soon woke up. “Hello, everyone, did I miss anything? Why are you guys covered in snow?”

The elves shook off the remaining snow on their heads. “Don’t ask,” said Docile. He manifested a white mug of hot chocolate with his staff (which read “2ND BEST BOSS 2 GOD”) and took a sip.

[genderlesssinner]

Back!

Oh man it's weird to have only the 7 of them at the table. I'm gonna miss Robbie for however long this lasts

As much as the Nein called the Hells chucklefucks, I still call them chucklefucks too. Fucken wild ass kids. I miss them

I see Sam has chosen a new target for the picture t-shirts

This already feels like it's gonna be slow going and then suddenly go go go

You know I was thinking earlier Orym may be able to run across the cables if needed to but Beau should also totally be able too

Fucking Veth and Beau competition over dumb shit, yup

Cad's voice just makes me happy, he sounds high as fuck and so chill

"I make the wheels go"

Oh shit Liam is up in his chair I don't think I've ever seen that

Oh are they stealing Veth?

It has begin!

Veth is a speedy lil shit when she wants to be, using all action to run but Beau's totally got that beat, monks have hella movement

I keep forgetting they're underground because of the cityscape

Oh man the fucken explosions in a massive cavern, yeesh

Fuck

Go Beau, Go!

🤣 Cad being like this is stupid *ray of enfeeblement*

Okay if she rolls good Beau's so got this

SAM

This is why I call then chucklefucks, by the way. If you didn't figure it out, lol

Birbleb sigh,,, same though

Yeeee get it Beau

Oh boy the d20 rolls

Yasha got this come on-oop okay nvm

Birbleb to the rescue, or is Fjord faster?

Okayokay Fjord got his girl

Oh no not Yasha too

This is why Ashley doesn't like doing the d20s for environmental stuff or travel she gets such bad luck on it

Eaglegast Idk I like birbleb better 😂

Holy fucking shit Caleb

Oh my god Cad

Okay well

"This is why Bells Hells got sent to the big fight."

"I shouldn't have eaten breakfast."

Caduceus-face beetle

Thanks for that imagery, Jes.

Everyone fucking threatening Veth 🤣

Oo a map! Neat

Yeah guys he said it was well defended yo

Tal immediately yelling at the die for rolling better now

Pop pop motherfucker

Oh hell yeah those prep spelling coming in

2 crits on disadvantage get fucked

Yaaasss Beau toss that shit back at them. Fucking love monks man

Nut I hate combat with so many people jeebus it takes forever

Fucken blade baron Nice (I mean. Not. But yeah)

Yeee Gaz let's goooo

GET IT BEAU FUCK THAT GUY

"Why do you keep rolling that die? It's been bad to you forever." I love the tings Tal says

Poof! Wizard! 🤣

No more birbleb

(sorry yall I don't have much to say during combat and I'm sleepy af right now)

Beau out here like 🎶 CAN'T TOUCH THIS 🎶

Oooo Fjord blasted some fucken k armor off the pterodactyl bitch nice

Attack fails, Blade Baron is like ...On second thought *turns to leave*

Fuck his world up Gaz

Nooiiiiice

"We have two Clerics, and one of them heals." ah yes, back to the Jester slander (not that it's actually slander it's just true)

Did I just hear what I think I heard from Laura

"Gaz Tomo. That's not a 'hear me out' that's just a 'yes'"

I'm not saying she's wrong. I just don't know if that's what I heard

Firebolt to the nuts for the kill? That's fucking great

Hell yeah Gaz

Oh boy okay

Until next week

..I forgot it was Thursday and I was playing bg3 so I was only half listening to the ad reads and stuff but I'm here now let's GO

I forgot VM was finished and now I'm sad again

Ah yes back to the hellish chaos that is the Nein Hellz

Watching Travis switch from Chet balls out to Fjord's horror at the idea 😂😂

"Well we don't have to give them all the details."

"Actually we'd prefer it if you did"

Do Ashton and Cad actually sound that similar to people?

Veth: "our story is simpler, we were always pretty pro god"

Beau: "*were* we??"

Same girl

As soon as the Betrayers come up,, Cad's quiet little "oh boy"

I really hope the girls don't end up trying to control Predathos I feel like that may be the worst option

Oh god I forgot Caleb is a c popper oh no

Travis is both tits out and dick out. Nice.

Fucken jet pack zip lines? fuck yeah

Oh god Veth killed Gaz

Why did Orym suddenly sound like a toddler "No!!"

Let's all hope d&d beyond doesn't die tonight 🤞🤞🤞

Orym jumped in SO FAST so be like yeah he's a bard

"I put mushrooms in my areas sometimes"

"yeah you do" 😂😂😂😂

The 'tattoo' sessions 😂 these absolute heathens

Yes Dorian save us from this chaos

Cottagecore lesbians part 2! Make it spooky this time

Damn Yash

Yes beauyasha got married 🤣

SAM NO stop

I am so curious about what Liam just showed Laura and Taliesin they all laughed so hard

("Seeming everywhere" - cue everyone dying)

I love that sometimes Yasha is literally just Ashley, I love them both so much

"It's a safe place"

*the rest of your friends sitting around laughing*

Do what feels kind. I like that

LIAM that slip holy shit he said dorym

Hzjahxjsbxjdhch the fangirl ass sounds that just came out of me I cannot I'm fucking screaming I love them so much (climb that man like a TREE Orym)

And fucking Ash and Fearne too!!! I love them! Such a perfect thing for them

Braius go away

Oh uh oh what is this Matthew

Ooohhh it's The Storm oh shit

Oh noooo

Fuck the panic in that first scream

I suppose we will see the Nien again later, then

Oh fuck, I hate this

OH SHIT THEY WERE RIGHT the funnel they have is a fucking prototype

Goddamn it okay break time.

Oh okay we're going to the Nein that is fucking dirty

[sockablock]

hey are requests still open bc I am still FULLY CRYING about Molly coming back to life holy SHIT. I have a thing I want to request and that’s Molly having to come to terms with whatever changes his body went through - new blood hunter abilities, longer hair, the much larger scar from Lucien’s v gory death - after he comes back to life.

Molly doesn’t ask what happened to Nott. He doesn’t ask them where they are. He doesn’t even ask who Essek is, and only gives Caduceus a friendly pat on the shoulder before turning away and wandering off.

His feet are bare on the soft teal grass. This time of year in the Blooming Grove, faint glowing insects hover around his ankles. The leaves of the old blue wisteria trees hang like a sheet across the sky. He is wrapped in a cloak of quiet moonlight, grey on the graves as he passes by.

Eventually, he comes to a lone headstone. It is long, and flat, and smooth. He sits down.

If he is different in any way, nobody says. It’s taken him a few days to find his words again, and it’s clear that his memories are still trickling back. Veth had joked that he used to be more entertaining, but they all know that his returning in any capacity is already nothing short of a miracle. To the Mighty Nein, he is still as miraculous as before.

To himself—to Mollymauk, he thinks he’s a bit leaner. He’d never really been one for rigorous training—not aside from what it took to throw a sword and catch it—and yet, this body seems hardened, now. It’s still a bit sore in some inconvenient places, and the tall one, Caduceus, mentioned that he shouldn’t do anything too strenuous to avoid opening his scar. This newest mark runs like a seam down his shoulder to his navel, making the rest of his scars look like paper cuts. He isn’t exactly sure how to feel about that, yet. Beau offered to help him design a tattoo to cover it, and he isn’t sure how to feel about that yet, either.

A faint breeze runs through the Grove, tousling his hair. It’s longer now, and Molly might have liked that more if he’d been around to enjoy it. He suspects that he might have been, in one way or another, though not nearly present enough to make the executive choices. Otherwise, he might have tried braids. Maybe hair dye. Not  only that, but the...what had Caleb called him? The “previous occupant” had taken off Molly’s horn charms and necklaces. For the second-life of him, Molly can’t remember if he’d kept them. He can’t remember much about the last ten months—which might be alright. He doesn’t know if he wants to.

(He does remember some things, though. He remembers taking his shirt off the first night at the Grove and seeing the other scar left behind. It is closed now, and healed well over with blood magic, but when Molly reaches up and traces it down, he can feel how the cut drips into his abdomen. He remembers how it felt to have the blood pouring over, to boil with fury and die of shock, under the stars.)

He looks at them now. They haven’t changed a bit.

Another wind kicks up. Molly isn’t sure exactly what time of year it is, but he shivers. The Clays are kind, but the whole family towers over Molly, so their spare clothes fit him poorly. Firbolgs are also—well, furred—and Molly suspects that this borrowed tunic is on the thin side. His tail curls inward as he realizes he’s going to sneeze. He feels his muscles tense, he breathes in—

And suddenly, something warm is draped across his shoulders. He glances up.

“Oh. Yasha?“ His voice is strained. It feels as if Molly hasn’t spoken in a year, but at the same time, he feels like his throat is worn. Almost like he’s been giving frequent speeches with wild abandon. Now that he’s had some time to recover, the combined effect sounds like someone trying to remember how to talk, but only being allowed to do it through a rusty pipe.

“Come to join me in my musings?” he still says, stubbornly.

“She’s not the only one. ‘Sup.”

Molly doesn’t have to turn to know that Beauregard has walked into the rows of graves just behind Yasha. The two of them have been pretty attached to each other lately, except for when Yasha comes to check on Molly. The strongest part of him, the part that hung on the longest, is privately quite pleased by this.

“And you’ve given me your cloak.” He grins, but just at Yasha. “How kind of you, my dear.”

Okay, so not that privately.

“I was worried you’d be cold,” Yasha says, concern endearing. “Sorry your old coat wasn’t doing better. Jester says she can probably Mend it, or try to paint you a new one—“

Molly waves his hand. “No, no need, dear. I should do it. It’ll give me a thing to work on.”

Yasha nods. “I’ll let her know.”

Distantly, Molly can hear footsteps approaching. He counts four, maybe five pairs, if one of them is lighter. After a moment, there’s the sigh of cloth, and six pairs are walking.

Movement joins Molly on the headstone. He turns, and now Beau is seated beside him. Yasha stands like a guardian at his back.

Both of them are much, much wearier, Molly notices. Even though it’s been less than a year since his “death,” Beau is riddled with new scars from combat, and Yasha’s tattoos have gotten much bolder. Oddly, that’s reassuring.There’s something in the fact that Molly’s body changed, but theirs did too. And even if he can’t remember it, that’s something they have in common.

On the other hand, though, it makes him feel...he shakes his head. He gazes outward.

He asks, “Why did you follow me, then?”

Beau responds first. She does so with a snort. “Of course we’d follow you, you idiot. You were our friend—or...okay, technically, at the time you’re actually a crazy cult leader—“

“No, I meant—“

She cuts him off. “Right, yeah, details. Not important. Listen, it...it was a whole long thing, and it was complicated, but the important part is that we really, just really wanted you back. That’s why we did any of it. All of it. And why nothing could stop us.”

“Not even me?”

“Hell, no. Since when could you stop me?”

Molly chuckles at that. He glances at Yasha. “Is that true?”

“Which part?” she says. Then she says, “Yes. It is.”

He matches the tiny smile on her face. Then he turns back to stare at the woods past the graveyard while behind him, the rest of the Mighty Nein come to a halt.

His smile widens. “What I was actually trying to ask, though, is why you all followed me here. Just now. I thought you were going to prepare for dinner?”

“My parents took over,” Caduceus says. “They told us to take a break.”

“Besides!” With a burst of jewelry and her flouncing skirts, Jester squeezes onto the other end of Molly’s headstone. “We wanted to spend more with you!”

“Now that you’re interesting again,” adds Nott, taking a seat at the base of the stone with Fjord. He reaches up to wink at Molly, “Hey, roomie.”

“I thought I should get to know you as well,” says the new voice. Molly remembers that his name is Essek. “We, ah...we are both purple, so that is something we already have in common.”

Molly laughs at that. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Caleb. “It’s like there are two of you now. Like your shadow. Or a duplicate.”

“I am still the funny one,” Caleb says. “I plan on defending that title. Even from you.”

Molly laughs again, and this time, he does turn. He can see that the whole group have gathered around him now, sitting beside him, standing behind him, in the grass.

They are all so tired. They are all much stronger. Molly has gathered from the scars on their bodies—as well as from the scars on his own—just how powerful they must be now. He knows that he isn’t the same, either. Sometimes his blood feels like its boiling. Sometimes he is moving, and he can swear that it’s through snow.

But the Mighty Nein are here. There are nine of them, now. And that, he thinks, in and of itself, must be a miracle. And as he looks at them now, drinking their presence in, he thinks...

Maybe some things haven’t changed, after all.

—

✨ Ko-Fi Link in Bio! ✨ | Requests are OPEN

[angelsndragons]

*sing* it's been ~a while~

and i have been watching vm vs the nein a lot so let's talk about it. as always with me, this is a very long word vomit.

i said over on my mechanics post that the vm playbook requires urgency while the nein's playbook requires setup. here's what i mean. if the nein can make it to round 3-4 intact, that is if all of them are up, they are going to win. period. the nein simply have too many ways to steal turns from their enemies or to maximize their own effectiveness for things to go any other way.

if you want to see this in action even with a reduced roster, go watch the fire elemental fight in episode 129 and count the rounds. between caduceus' mass cure wounds and spirit guardians, caleb's slow, veth's sneak attacks, and jester's guiding bolts, the nein were able to scrape out a win thanks more to their bag of tricks than the damage output. veth only got sneak attack because of guiding bolt's secondary effects, slow kept veth safe from an opportunity attack and jester from a multi-attack, mass cure wounds gave caleb that round to cast slow, and the spirit guardians passively whittled down the enemies into KO range. the accumulated secondary effects were too much for the enemies to withstand and they fell hard. notice how everything built on one another here. that's what cockroach parties learn to do well. it was sloppier than a normal nein fight but they did it with a reduced roster AND with nearly all of their high level spell slots spent before the fight. yeah, they're fucking scary.

vm, however, is a whole different kind of scary. this team can put you down before you even know what's happening. it's harder to target the group's biggest damage dealers because you have a hulking barbarian and often an elemental up front locking down combatants. the dagger rogue can teleport and fly. oh, and give himself an extra action each round. the ranger and the gunslinger can stand back and just go to town. the freaking bear can maul you. the bard can make your life a living joke in your final moments. the cleric is a wildcard because the group is built to fight without her; if she's around, good luck because that's another round of attacks you have to take and an extra round vm can take. their DCs are ridiculous, as are their overall ACs.

but the thing to know about vm is that they have to put you down fast. they don't have the hit points for longer fights and they definitely don't have the utility for longer fights. their druid is offensively oriented, their cleric is often absent, and their bard is mostly support. he's often the only one running that bag of tricks. he can and will fuck up an opposing team given the chance and bolster his own, the problem is that he has almost no backup here. it's a giant hole that is begging to be exploited. it's an even bigger hole when that bard can only cast one spell per round.

so, going into the battle royale, the vm side had to down one member of the nein as fast as possible preferably in two rounds or fewer. it almost doesn't matter who, because if you down beau or fjord, that forces jester or fjord to spend their action or spell getting the downed member back up. if jester goes down, fjord has to do something about it. well, i say it almost doesn't matter but beau's deflect missiles makes her the worst target of the trio and yes, i'm including fjord's half-orc bounce back in that calculation. that gives you one round where the person healing isn't fucking up your team. vm's secondary objective was to monitor and control beau. her movement is nothing to compared to a hasted vax but her stunning strike is the most lethal weapon the nein brought into this fight. vm overall is not a melee group to begin with and their con saves are all garbage. vm has to find a way to keep her off their tails if they want a chance. we also know that vm's plan was to try to take out jester first so throw that objective into the mix as well.

all the nein have to do is survive the first couple rounds, monitor scanlan and pike, and get into position. that's basically it. the nein can absolutely withstand vax and percy's damage output for the first two rounds. pike and scanlan's damage output can be scary but pike in particular has to decide whether she wants to hold high level slots for healing. and she would need those higher level slots to get close to percy and vax's damage output. the nein know from experience that the support caster is where the real trouble will begin.

but before we kick things off, remember that matt specifically designed this battlefield to take turns away from the teams. the chests are an action to search and are located far out of the way in the field. the gem requires an action to activate, which basically means sacrificing your action for someone else's, and shifts between six designated points on the field. matt, who has a deep understanding of how both teams operate, decided to play on the nein's insecurities that they were at a severe item disadvantage and see if he could get them to bite. high risk, high reward. granted, this is me speculating but it does look like matt saw the fight very differently from the players and readjusted the field accordingly.

so we kick off and immediately scanlan proves why he is the top priority on the nein's list. he gets the gem, gets fjord prone on the ground, and comes within a hair's breadth of turning the fight into a five on two potential slaughter. travis brilliantly responds to these circumstances in the best of ways. see, fjord isn't the nein's utility magician for this fight; fjord's the bait. travis makes a very big spectacle of himself and fjord's predicament. and vm buys it hook, line, and sinker. ashley tries to continue with the original plan of gunning for jester only to discover that jester is who knows where.

vax, percy and scanlan? immediately take their shots at fjord. but fjord's on the ground which puts percy's awful misfire mechanic into reasonable play. so fjord gets lucky and doesn't take anywhere near the amount of damage he could have from percy. scanlan, after percy is removed from the field, decides he's better off trying to finish fjord but only hits a 3rd level thunder wave instead of a higher level one, which sam was probably saving for some counterspells or such. i don't think a higher level would have made that much of a difference but it is important to note.

more importantly, vax gets greedy. he got two good hits on fjord with his two actions, he could have left and hidden for the next turn. yes, vm has to down fjord as fast as possible. however that haste is going to be more effective over the long term if vax can keep it. but fjord's easy prey and he thinks vm can down him before jester can get over there to do anything about it. so he goes for the bonus action attack. pike eventually joins this mad dash scramble and like scanlan, she absolutely needed to throw something huge at fjord to get past his half-orc racial trait to have a prayer at downing him. but she did not because ashley seems to have been saving all her high levels for healing so fjord survives the round in honestly a very good position. vax can't target him from range with the cloud up, scanlan now has bigger problems than fjord with molly right up on him, and pike ran, taking damage and healing fjord in the process.

meanwhile, the nein's ladies are free to run and play the field as they see fit. jester has a big opening round flame strike. beau decides she can hold off on her round 2 blitz run to vm in favor of bringing molly onto the field. remember kids, never let a monk with 55ft of movement have the run of the place, it's bad for business. jester then makes a great play with her dispel magic at vax's haste. hashtag thanks, fjord. remember, kids, cockroach parties excel at taking turns and actions away from their opponents. in round 2 alone, the nein successfully remove percy from the field and remove vax's extra attack. that's both big damage dealers hobbled in one round. they also gave themselves an extra turn, adding molly onto the field. and oh boy, molly.

here we see the utility martial fighter molly could have been. sam's confused by the low damage that molly's doing his first round but the damage isn't really the point of the attacks. that brand of tethering is far more important, as are taliesin keeping an eye on which reactions will support the nein and molly's second attack wasting scanlan's reaction. counterspell is off the table for the back half of round 2-beginning of round 3, which is important if fjord wants to get the heck out of dodge.

in case it wasn't obvious earlier in the match that the nein are absolutely gunning for scanlan, round 3 begins with beau's blitz against scanlan. fjord's luck against the dominate person balances out with scanlan's save against the stun and beau missing one attack. here, vm starts to get distracted. they chose their focus fire target, fjord, but now do not, arguably cannot, follow through on it. we'll never know what could have happened had vm said to hell with beau and molly in our faces, we have to finish fjord.

vax tries to retaliate against beau but here's where the cockroach starts to come into play. molly blood curses vax, which saves beau a full sneak attack+ worth of damage. it also utterly wastes vax's turn. fjord manages to escape (and damage pike while he's at it) and regroup where it's safe. scanlan tries to dimension door but fails due to the brand. literally any other move scanlan could try on the pair of them had a better chance of success. instead, another vm turn is lost. taliesin recognizes the importance of getting beau advantage and supports her at the cost of two of his attacks missing, but not before scanlan is forced to cutting words one of them. another potential counterspell and cutting words lost. neither jester or pike contribute significantly to this round; the nein have done so much damage to pike in three rounds that she is forced to heal herself while jester chooses to dimension door herself to the gem and only a low damage roll lets it evade her.

beau takes molly's setup and gets the critical scanlan stun. he loses his full round. fjord takes the opportunity molly provided him to polymorph into a t-rex, bringing him fully back into the fight. vm is really going to have a time and a half trying to finish him now unless they can put up a big single damage attack. jester builds on beau's setup by casting flame strike, whose dex save scanlan automatically fails. he goes down. if you're the nein, this is exactly where you want pike focused, on her team and not on yours. she has access to most of the same spells that jester has and the more you pressure her to focus on her team, the better. it's not wasting her turn, precisely, but it is controlling what she can reasonably do with it.

now we come to percy versus beau. i don't want to diminish the insane good luck beau had to take only 26 points of damage from six shots because what matters here is that percy absolutely could not down beau. period. her hit points were too high and after she took almost nothing from the first two shots, it should have been clear that she was going to get her turn and she would absolutely attempt to stun and down pike and scanlan. i'm not going to monday morning quarterback this fight but i will point out that the more rolls travis has to make to maintain concentration, the greater the chance he fails and you get to hit fjord's actual hit point pool and trade fjord for scanlan. and if you can get him before he can get back into the fray, even better.

beau stuns the gnomes and drops scanlan again. her inner cockroach rears its head once more as she negates more than half the damage on vax's critical hit sneak attack. fjord-rex downs scanlan and grapples pike. the stun on pike here really helps negate that high AC of hers. after scanlan's death, it's a long slow death spiral. vax abandons the fight in the next critical round in favor of keeping the gem instead of targeting fjord. percy attacks beau once more instead of fjord due to fjord dangling pike over lava. he starts to focus on fjord only to get distracted by jester. pike goes down but vax gets caught by beau before he can get her back up. and so it goes with vm losing turn after turn after turn until finally the nein poof percy out of existence and bring molly back. a fitting end for the team who started their final boss fight with eight and came out nine.

bottom line here, the vm team played like they had way more time than they actually did. they had to commit to a target and see it dead as fast as possible. they had to control the battlefield quickly and keep it. they didn't so they couldn't. aside from building on damage dealt, they couldn't create advantages or opportunities for each other nearly as effectively as nein did. all of these factors meant that the nein did what they always do: grind their enemies under heel.

[chaos-burst]

questions and answers

He had meant to be rude. And it had not worked even a little bit. Eodwulf is sure that anyone else would have been offended. Hell, he’s even sure that the other members of this weird group were absolutely offended on behalf of their friend. But Eodwulf can’t say he has ever met a person like this.

There was no malice, no ill intent, no anger.

When you work with Trent you have to be aware of every little shift in the mood. The slightest twitch of an eyebrow can mean the weather is about to turn foul. Eodwulf knows what to look out for. It had been his intent to rev this weirdo up and it had backfired spectacularly.

Damn.

No meat. No booze. And balls of steel, apparently. Eodwulf had never seen anyone talk to Trent like that. And while Bren‘s—Caleb‘s—words of wanting to kill Trent outright had been more than Eodwulf would ever admit to his mentor, it somehow felt less crazily reckless than to call Trent Ikithon, Archmage of Civil Influence for the Cerberus Assembly and one of the most powerful mages in the Empire, a fucking fool.

To his face. With a smile. In a complete sincere manner.

Eodwulf doesn’t want to replay the words in his head over and over again but his dumb brain has latched onto them and he can’t stop. Only this time it’s not one of Trent’s lessons that forces him to obsessively repeat something until you have internalized it to the point where you can cite it in your sleep.

No.

“Pain doesn’t make people. It’s love that makes people.“

Eodwulf has it on repeat in his head the whole way back to the tower and it is still going when he lies down hours later to sleep.

“What are you“ had not been meant as a serious question when Eodwulf had asked it. But by the time he finally falls asleep he feels like it has become a very vital question indeed, because who or what would dare to speak to Master Trent Ikithon in a way like this with an honest smile on their face.

*

Because for some reason his thoughts have decided to betray him, Eodwulf’s brain makes his tongue and lips form the words again when they see the Mighty Nein the next time. This time, Astrid and Eodwulf have been invited to dinner—Trent has very specifically not been invited, you could say he was uninvited with quite a few flowery words in a strange accent.

And as soon as Eodwulf sees Caduceus he remembers the weirdly polite scratching of a chair, the wide smile that indicates that this is a person Eodwulf possibly can not force to lose their composure through careful placed rudeness. And his mouth betrays him.

“So. What are you, really?“

Caduceus blinks mildly surprised before his unfamiliar features shift into a warm smile that has Eodwulf feel quite a lot of inappropriate things he didn’t expect to find in a place like this.

“Gardener. Maker of fine tea. A decent cook. Keeper of graves“, Caduceus lists of and he uses his long fingers to count the things that are important to him about himself.

“Very powerful cleric“, Jester chimes in from the right. She has Astrid next to her in a chair and Eodwulf is pretty sure that Jester has started to put flowers in Astrid’s hair. But surely he must be mistaken. Who in the Nine Hells are these crazy people?

“Oh, yeah. Well, that too, I suppose“, Caduceus says, his smile still warm like honeyed wine.

“Huh“, Eodwulf says because he can’t for the life of him think of something else to say. But Caduceus is yet again pulling out a chair for him so Eodwulf straightens his shoulders and sits down next to Caduceus. Across the table from him the angry one throws herself into a chair and stares at him.

There’s no fear there either, but she can be easily angered, something Eodwulf is good at. He gives her a canine smile and she holds up her middle finger.

This group is full of people with an enormous lack of self preservation.

And they are so loud.

Eodwulf almost doesn’t hear it when Caduceus turns to him to ask him a question.

“Huh?“, he says again, like a fool.

“And what are you, was what I wanted to know“, Caduceus says, his lazy grin open and honest. There is no malice in his words. He actually wants to know.

Eodwulf thinks “Murderer, wizard, protégé, spy“ but he doesn’t say any of these things. “Maker of graves“ comes to mind, but it seems like too dark of a joke to make.

“Enthusiastic about both meat and booze“, he says in the end and Caduceus laughs.

“Yeah, as are most of my friends.“

The implication these words bring is probably only in Eodwulf’s mind but it makes him swallow and look away to find Astrid’s eyes. But Astrid now has pink flowers in her hair and a look of absolute confusion on her face as Jester rattles of compliment after compliment about various of Astrid’s features.

Eodwulf can’t help but look at Bre—Caleb. And he sees that there is a soft, barely noticeable smile on his old friend’s face as he watches the scene unfold.

What am I, indeed, he thinks.

*

Trent’s orders have been clear. Get close to the group called the Mighty Nein to find out what they are working on with Lady Vess DeRogna.

Eodwulf allows himself to think that Caduceus might have been right. Maybe Master Ikithon is indeed a fool.

Because being in the presence of these people is like nothing Eodwulf has ever experienced and it makes him think, wonder, question—

“Here we are again“, Caduceus says after, yet again, Astrid and Eodwulf have been invited for dinner. Eodwulf wonders if this group just wants to make it very easy to spy on them, or if they have an agenda of their own—but it’s hard to believe that there might be any coherent agenda behind anything these people do.

He has watched the buff one called Yasha try and play what looked like a harp made of bone and when the angry one, Beau, told her that she looked hot playing the harp Yasha had torn two of the strings which had led to a whole scene of apologies and various tries to fix the harp.

Jester has drawn dicks on pretty much every surface this magical mansion has and she delights in the fact that Caleb brings the dicks to life in various colors. At some point he made glowing sparkles shoot out of one of the dicks Jester had drawn and Jester had laughed as if this was the best joke she had ever witnessed.

Eodwulf notices Astrid’s eyes on Jester.

Eodwulf also notices that while there seems to be no agenda or efficiency behind anything, they are still being watched.

Beau and Fjord look at them. And Eodwulf is pretty sure Caduceus watches everything as well, but he does it without crossing his arms and glaring so much.

“Looks like it”, he answers. Caduceus offers him tea and Eodwulf’s first instinct is to decline, but then he remembers that “maker of fine tea” had been very high on the list of descriptors so he takes the cup he is offered while somewhere in the background people start screaming something that sounds like “FLUFFERNUTTER”.

Eodwulf tries the tea. He’s not a fan of tea, but this tea is absolutely delicious and he finds himself impressed.

“I believe this one comes from the Hollburns’ graves. Those remains made the tea grow quite fast, it was impressive.”

Eodwulf blinks at his tea and then at Caduceus. For a second his brain wonders if this statement should register as a threat, but it had been delivered with such honest delight and a sense of pride that Eodwulf discards that feeling.

“What?”, he asks. Caduceus points at the tea.

“Oh, well, my family grows tea on those graves we’re keeping. In case you wanted to ask me again what I am. Or—hm, I think I already mentioned that I am a keeper of graves?”

Caduceus trails off and looks thoughtful and Eodwulf stares at him.

“Keeper of Graves. That make you a follower of the Matron?”, he asks.

Caduceus looks at him and smiles.

“Not quite. My family serves Melora. But we are descended from a champion of the Raven Queen.”

Eodwulf can’t help but wonder if this was some kind of weird joke. But his goddess usually isn’t one for joking.

Eodwulf considers for a second, then he pulls out the raven feather pendant from under his cloak.

Caduceus nods. “So”, he says and smiles widely. “What are you?”

Eodwulf snorts.

“For real?”, he says.

Caduceus’ smile widens.

“For real.”

*

It feels like this has become a sort of game.

“What are you?”

“Moral compass. Middle sibling. Eccentric. Amateur flute player.”

Eodwulf finds that through this question he himself posed the first time, he’s been forced to think more about himself than he feels comfortable with.

“What are you?”

“Decent chess player. Dog person. Sportsman. Only child.”, are the things he says out loud.

“Self-made orphan. Patriot. Volstrucker. Torturer.”, are the things he thinks to himself.

Eodwulf has the impression that Caduceus is somehow aware of the things he doesn’t say.

*

“So. This is the crew you’re running with now?”, Eodwulf asks Bre—Caleb one night before the Mighty Nein will leave with Vess DeRogna to who-knows-where. Neither Astrid nor Eodwulf did get very far with their planned infiltration work. Eodwulf is not even sure how hard they even tried.

It’s very easy to get swept away by the chaos and the weirdness and the complete lack of fear that the group displays when it comes to him and Astrid. They are dangerous people in a lot of ways.

The Mighty Nein are also dangerous people in a very different way. A way that Eodwulf doesn’t know anything about.

“This is my family, ja.”

He says it, just like that, without looking at Eodwulf.

Family.

The word tastes bitter in Eodwulf’s mouth as he leans back in his chair and crosses his arms.

“Weird people”, he says. Caleb huffs.

“You can say that, yes. But they grow on you very quickly”, he answers quietly and with a small, fond smile that makes something inside Eodwulf ache. For a long time Eodwulf pitied Bren for breaking, for not making it, for failing, for being locked away and discarded. Now he realizes that maybe, in a very macabre sort of way, Bren becoming Caleb through failure was the better end of the bargain.

It feels blasphemous to think that.

“The pink one is especially weird”, Eodwulf finds himself saying and he takes a big swig of whiskey from his flask before handing it to Caleb.

“Ja, I noticed that you seem to have a... uh... particular kind of interest in him. And, if I may add, he in you.”

Eodwulf takes the flask back after Caleb drinks. He contemplates the different sorts of feelings inside his gut as the words sink in. Then he tucks it all away very carefully, just as he learned through many years of being in Trent’s presence.

“Still don’t know what he is”, Eodwulf says. Caleb snorts and shakes his head.

“His people are called Firbolg”, he provides.

“Not sure that’s what I mean. Not anymore, at least.”

It seems dangerous to admit that. Caleb turns his head and looks at Eodwulf with a shimmer in his eyes that Eodwulf can’t read. Many years ago he was able to read Bren like an open book, but Caleb is another book entirely.

“You deserve to have some nice things, you know. You deserve friends. A chance of—hm. A chance of peace. A chance for redemption, if you want it.”

Eodwulf gets up and tugs away his flask.

“Pain doesn’t make people. It’s love that makes people. Pain is inconsequential, it’s love that saves them.”

Eodwulf understands the truth in these words now. Bren was broken, Caleb is being healed. Eodwulf doesn’t think that there’s anything left in him that can be saved. Or should be saved.

“Good luck on your journey tomorrow. Don’t die”, Eodwulf says and he leaves Caleb behind.

What are you, he thinks. A sentimental fool.

*

Astrid sits next to him on one of the balconies of her house and looks up at the stars above them. The Mighty Nein have been gone for six days and it has been very quiet.

They sit in silence and share a bottle of whiskey, passing it back and forth instead of words. It’s been like this for many many years that they’ve allowed themselves to just be. Today though, Astrid breaks the silence.

“I’m going to be the one who kills him.”

She says it quietly, without remorse, without indicating that this is a scandalous statement. She says it just how other people would say “I’ll go to bed soon.”.

Eodwulf stops breathing for just a moment. Then he inhales the cool night air and turns his head to look at her.

“Could kill you for treason”, he says. She looks at him and cocks her head slightly, the analyzing gaze of a murderous spy meets its equal in silence.

“I’d love to see you try”, she says. Eodwulf grins. It feels reckless.

“Don’t die”, he says, the same thing he’s said to Caleb before. Astrid regards him for a long moment and Eodwulf takes another sip. “Will you help me or try to stop me?”

Eodwulf considers this for a moment. Would he try to stop Astrid should she try to kill Trent? No. Would he help her? He doesn’t know that either.

“Can’t you just wait for Bren to do it for you?”

“I won’t lose to him again.”

Eodwulf snorts.

Always so competitive.

“That’s some fucked up shit, Astrid.”

“Shut up, Arschloch.”

Eodwulf grins before getting up to stretch. He puts his hands on the railing of Astrid’s balcony and wonders what Caleb’s new family is up to.

Making a new family never came to mind before. It sounds like something out of a fairy tale. While he contemplates the question whether he would help Astrid kill Trent Ikithon, a slow, familiar voice pops up in his head.

“Hey. Uh—Jester told me to send you an update. We’re still alive. Hope you’re good. Got  a new question for you. What will you become?”

The rustling of Astrid’s clothes as she stands up as well somehow tells him that she received a message in her head as well. She steps beside him and puts her hands on the railing next to his.

“They’re persistent”, she says quietly.

Eodwulf nods and inhales.

He doesn’t know what he will become. He didn’t even know that was a question to be asked. The path is clear. It always was.

Pain doesn’t make people.

“Not going to answer?”, she wants to know.

“Don’t have an answer yet.”

It’s unclear to him whether she means her own question or the message Caduceus just sent him.

He answers the sending spell with a simple “I don’t know.”. It takes a few minutes before another message comes in.

“That’s good. Uncertainty is good. It’s the first step in a better direction. I’m going to kill a dragon now. Wish me luck. Good night.”

“I’ll keep you posted on the answer to that question of yours. I’ll see you tomorrow”, he says and leaves Astrid behind on the balcony. Eodwulf thinks about something he hasn’t thought about in a very long time. A priestess in his Matron’s temple once told him: “Death is the only certainty in life.”.

He thinks that Caduceus would agree.

And Eodwulf hopes that the next time he sees that weird, reckless man, he’ll have an answer for him.

[stickandthorn]

Something I always think about when debates about queer rep in cr come up that I don’t see talked about often is something I’ve come to refer to as “gay resources and resource allocation.” And no matter how I try to describe it when it comes up I can never really encompass what I mean, so here’s my one big old try at explaining it. I am truly not trying to discourse with people, I just want to explain my feelings on all this finally.

So, let’s start with, what the fuck do I mean? Basically, dnd live shows aren’t actually set up the best for queer rep in some ways, logistically speaking. They don’t have as much resources and those resources they have to allocate. And what the fuck do I mean by that? Well:

PCs are your main source of rep, but there are only so many PCs, 7 every 3/4ish years for cr in particular. And besides that, you have NPCs, which are numerous, but usually interactions with them are so surface level or unrelated to their sexuality or gender that it almost never comes up unless they use they/them or neopronouns, or are actively flirting in a visibly queer way/in a visibly queer relationship. So in short, there’s only so many people with so many sexualities to go around. And if someone isn't comfortable with something, like how Travis wasn’t comfortable doing romance in C1 (tho I guess you could argue that Grog was aromantic from that angle), they shouldn’t be forced to do that and that takes another piece off of the gay board. Resources and resource allocation, basically.

And then there’s the issue of, well, characters being run by singular person. Usually when someone chooses to make a queer character in a TV show/book/movie whatever, they have resources. They have the time to rewrite and rewrite, to get other queer people and sensitivity consultants to help (and yes I’m pretty sure cr does have a sensitivity consultant but it’s not completely relevant to my point), do test screenings, etc. They often don’t because they don’t care, but they have the opportunity.

But CR has none of that because they’re literally live. Even if the show isn’t broadcasted live, it is completely unedited (besides gags and goofs for the ad read) and they can’t reshoot something. It’s a continuous, completely improvised, fully live story. That can be very scary I’m sure, because you have to do your rep 100% right at all times or you’ll get trashed online. What if you’re portraying an identity that isn’t yours? You wanna do it right, but that’s very hard when it comes down to Just You and you actually care. Even if you aren’t doing something wrong you’ll get trashed online.

Also this isn’t me excusing mistakes they’ve made representing queer people, it’s not me giving them a free pass. But I’ve heard people tear the cast to shreds for stupid, inane, unnecessary things, in the most bizarre way possible. Like, look at all the shit Liam has gone through with two bisexual characters.  And the live format also means that opportunities to do rep are harder. If you write a book, you can engineer the perfect scenario for someone to come out. But when you do a live play show, things have to come up naturally, and that sometimes just doesn’t happen. Look at Caduceus. He was aroace, and in my opinion played very well and very consistently throughout the entire show. Hell, a lot of ace people identified him as being ace from the beginning. But the actual conformation, the “coming out”, was waaaay after he was introduced. It wasn’t that they were hiding it, it just didn’t come up in a way that made sense. And it’s even harder for NPCs. Now let’s look at romances themselves. With NPCs it’s easier, look at Kima and Allura or how in EXU it was confirmed that Gilmore has a husband. But PC romance not only takes a long time, but is complicated as fuck. The emotions you feel while playing dnd are real, even if they aren’t applicable to you the person. So developing a romance takes a lot of time and energy and can be very messy, especially when it’s getting torn apart on the internet. Not to mention if there isn’t anyone in the party you can romance (but want to), or how hard NPC romances are. Once again, less resources.

And this isn’t just in CR. In one of the home games I play a huge percentage of the players are queer in some way, including our DM. But we have all these same resource and resource allocation issues, though they aren’t really issues in our case because we aren’t setting out to do rep. PC romances are rare, and NPC romances even rarer, and although there are plenty of enbies in both party and NPCs, actual sexualities rarely come up because they just aren’t applicable. The only time thats come up a lot in my experience was in games designed for romance. 

And this isn’t even touching on how CR1 wasn’t set up for live-streaming and purposeful diversity, it was originally a home game, etc.

So now we look at what all this means. Well, I don’t have a big conclusion. I still think queer rep is hugely important and cr should continue to work to include it, like they’ve done in the past. I think actual fuck ups in rep should be discussed. But I think some parts of the fandom need to keep in mind all of this when discussing queer rep, because the debates can get really bad faith at times when this stuff isn’t considered.

[thequeenofmyownscreen]

Fourteen things I noted about CR2E97 “The Fancy and the Fooled” and the Talks Machina about it :

I know it's the last live episode before the pandemic and all that happened since... and it's sad to think about about that. Knowing that, I was prepared to enjoy and cherish the hell ouf this episode, even more so than usual because I fucking love live episodes of CR, and I hope that someday in the future they will 1) do it again 2) maybe on a continent where I would be able to attend without getting myself in debt

THE OUTFITS !!!!! i love Ashley's the most because i do love long sleeves. But everyone was so sparkly and beautiful (except Sam)

Matt grumbles about how the party named "the custom ship I worked really hard to have custom made and present to you guys with a cool opportunity to name your one fantasy ship" : The Balleater, and Liam just adress the audience "Hey guys, what's that book called again ?". The entire live audience : "THE BALLEATER !!" Travis, at Matt, laughing his ass off : "Never had 3000 people shout that at you before !"

"Are we getting banned on Twitch right now ?" yes this question is asked because of what Sam is doing with his mouth live in front of 3000 people.

ESSEK ???????? ESSEK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING i knew it !! No that's a lie I didn't ! He was shady, at first, and then he became their friend ! So I forgot the suspicions, even though looking back, of course it's him, he was in the best position to do so.

Jester : "If I tattooed your bicep, Yasha... I would have intimate knowledge of your bicep !" Yasha, probably just a little bit turned on : *awkward laugh*

Marion totally thinks the Mighty Nein are gonna have weird clay sex in her bathroom, but she's "not one to judge".

VETH IS HERE !! oh the description from Matt was so lovely. There was a religious silence in the audience, and then a formidable applause, as we all see her official art change. So great.

Beau : "Fjord, Yasha, do you want to go to the fish market ?" Yasha : "It is my favored terrain.." Ashley's half ashamed for this joke but IT IS AMAZING. Really, the whole scene with Fjord and the disaster lesbians is such gold.

Caduceus, to Beau : "How would you like an hour of being your best self ?" Later, he cast Tongues on her. Beau, who will seize every opportunity to make lesbian jokes : "I see what you mean by my best self now, yeah ! You're fucking insightful, Caduceus."

Travis, as they're dragging around Lord Thain'/Essek's paralized body at the part : "What happened to just messaging Essek and fucking prank calling him ?" Matt, who also did not expect any of that at all : "WELCOME TO THE MIGHTY NEIN, TRAVIS !!"

Gotta respect Liam, old-time D&D player that he is, actually rolling 15d8 to put Essek to sleep.

The scene with Essek, oh my god, I was half-crying at the end. I'm not sure what kind of choice they will do regarding Essek's status, but the talk about him having clear goals, and having the Mighty Nein, through the sheer force of friendship, making those goals a little less important, and so making the consequences of his actions a lot more important... The parallels between Caleb and him ! The fact that he feels alone, but is accepted in this group of weirdoes who only have each other. And so so many quotes by Liam, who is a powerhouse in crafting dialogues. "You were not born with venom in your veins"

Sam is outraged that Liam named the new spell used in Nott's transformation after Caleb Widogast, and not Veth or Nott. outraged, I say ! this is so funny

[utilitycaster]

This is just my own vague thoughts, but I do really agree with your point about the party needing a shake-up. I am running off of no sleep and a long day at work so sorry if this ask feels disjointed and weird but I feel like BH would benefit from a big change in the same way that the M9 benefited from losing Molly to gain Cad. Does that make sense? I feel like that punted the M9 in a very different direction than they would be in (dynamics wise at least) than if Molly didn't die.

Hey anon! I have a very long answer to this that goes off on a bit of a tangent but:

In short, yes, I do think that a party shakeup both in terms of a literal change of characters and the emotional heft of such a moment would benefit Bells Hells. I think that Molly's death did bring the Mighty Nein together in a unique way, and the introduction of Caduceus added a dimension to the party that I happened to like a lot.

I also think it's hard to compare beyond that. I both believe that Molly's death was one of the most significant and pivotal moments in Campaign 2; but also that the campaign was, overall, working, and that my feelings on Molly and Caduceus aside (ie, I didn't personally vibe much with Molly and I do really like Caduceus), the party dynamic and characters prior to Molly's death were still quite good. It is on some level impossible to know what would have happened had Molly survived that fight in Campaign 2. I do think the campaign would have been pretty drastically different, but I don't feel like it needed fixing (though check below the jump for some further thoughts).

Meanwhile, I feel like Campaign 3 has had elements that haven't totally clicked in a way that feels due to the plot, less so than the characters, but also the plot and characters influence each other and are impossible to truly separate. I also, on the other hand, felt that up until the back half of this episode, things had been righting themselves: the Treshi plot would be resolved, and the party could spend some time processing all they had learned in Bassuras and finally decide what they wanted to pursue going forward.

And, finally: benefits of a shakeup aside, as of now, with the understanding that we don't know who will live or die, Molly's death felt abrupt, but it also felt like something that occurred because of his (and the party's) choices to recover their friends. It felt very real, in the sense of death sometimes being a sudden, unfair thing. This, as I and others have said before, feel like the characters are just being murdered to teach Imogen a lesson, on a mission that feels somewhat thrust upon them because they've been simply buffeted by external forces for much of the campaign. So I feel both "perhaps a party change will help with some of the issues I have", and also "if that is the goal, it's not being carried out in way that I feel serves these characters."

(The rest is under a jump for length/speculation purposes.)

I say probably because of what I said here; this is truly pure speculation on my part, and I said as much when I said it elsewhere, but based on what happened with Imogen and what we know was intended with Lucien (ie, Matt has said that it was always intended as the endgame), I'm now wondering if it was a happy accident that Molly died, pushing the Lucien plot into the background and making that ending deeply resonant for all of the Nein, but also not tied to one in particular; and that had Molly survived we'd be seeing similar problems.

I'm reserving judgment until next episode, but I have to admit this has been jarring. I have always felt that one of Matt's great strengths as a DM was that the world felt as though it continued on outside of the characters; that it didn't just freeze in place when they weren't looking at it. However, the way this campaign has been going, it's gotten to the point where the world and plot feel like they're swallowing the characters. And again, it felt like it had been course correcting in a way that was a little strange, given that Matt has run two very good campaigns, but ultimately forgiveable. But with this episode, it feels comparable to a DM deciding that they want to run a highly specific setting, like Curse of Strahd, say, but not actually telling the players this is happening, to disastrous effect.

My other wild guess is that this campaign is sort of everyone, Matt included, trying to do things they couldn't do within the restrictions of Campaign 2. Unfortunately, this means a loss of coherence and a lot of dissonance with the setting, which feels like a disservice to everyone. I think "all bets are off" is a totally valid D&D game choice, but, at least for actual play, I don't think you can do "anything goes."

All of which is to say again, a shakeup might help if only as a sobering "hey, let's try to actually focus and make characters who fit into this specific part of the world," but the Campaign 2 shakeup was a case of 'the dice tell their story', and this feels like 'something went wrong.' And personally, if the goal is a shakeup...I would truly rather the cast say "Hey. we are realizing certain things feel weird, and we need a few weeks to regroup and talk through how to deal with this."

[ultimate-marysue]

So, about Bi Caleb

Warning: very long post, discussing bi representation and biphobia.

*Sorry for spelling errors, English ain’t my firts language.

I can’t believe I have to tell you guys, but anyways: Caleb is bi whether he ends with a male character, a female character on a non binary character. That’s what bi people do, you know? they experience atraction for all genders. Saying that a bi character that ends with someone of the opposite gender is straight and queerbaiting is incredibly biphobic.

Yes, Vax was bisexual. Yes, he ended up with Kiki. Get fucking over it.

Now, I can understand why LGBT+ fans may feel disappointed when they tease a “gay couple” but the “straigth” couple ends up being endgame. Notice the quotation marks because there’s not such thing as a straight or gay couple for a bi person. They are bisexual in both situations, but I can see where the problem comes from. I’ve been queerbaited to hell and back by a lot of shows and it really hurts. It feels like they are laughting at you for caring. But I want those fans (whose feelings are totally valid, don’t get me wrong) to consider a few things when it comes to Critical Role, the first one being: it’s a D&D game.

Let me explain, because I know a lot of CR fans haven’t experienced what D&D is like in real life (and that’s absolutely valid, you don’t need to play D&D to enjoy CR). This is an improvisation game, not an scripted TV show. In a Tv show you can plan ahead of time what ship is going to be endgame, what themes are gonna come up for each character and it’s easier to deeply explore sexuality and gender as different planned arcs. In D&D you character’s sexuality may or may not come up depending on how you play it. Take for instance how other CR character’s have stated their sexuality:

Beau: overtly. Very *In your face* kind of lesbian. Marisha said “fuck it, I really just want to romance girls and be bad ass”

Yasha: openly, but not as in your face. Ashley Jhonson wanted to drink from that WLW cup while also being a shy disaster. Seafood market is her favored terrain.

Caduceus: Our Ace king has never hidden his sexuality, and yet he didn’t mention anything about it until chapter 114. He didn’t had the need to either hide it or state it. He was simply vibing.

I think Liam is going that route with Caleb. He’s flustered by Essek and Edwulf (Come on you guys, he always asks Matthew if he’s still hot). He also had/has a thing for Astrid and a think he might have feels for our favorite Tiefling gal. I know we are all too used to characters being teased as gay/bi only to have execs pull a “haha jk they be straight”. But this is not Sherlock or Supernatural. This is a show that not only has queer rep, but also supports queer organizations and creators. Hell, I’m sure some of the cast members are LGBT (but I’m not here to speculate on real people’s sexuality). If Caleb shows attraction to men he is not just queerbaiting, doing it for fanservicing or tricking the fans in any way shape or form: he’s just portraying a bi character. The thing is, since this is not a TV show, he is not doing it por woke points or to send a message. He’s doing it because he wants to play a bi wizard with depression.

So maybe there will be a point in which he can explores his sexuality more deeply, but remember he is playing a game. And his character is one that has a lot of trouble opening up to his feelings. Caleb is not someone that makes sexual jokes or flirty remarks. He is shy, awkward and has developed a really fucked up sense of love that he is now slowly fixing. Hell, in the same Talks episode Liam explained that Caleb was trained on Honey-pot tactics. Which, for those of you who can’t stand Bond films, means seducing your enemy/target to get information, manipulate them or assassinate them. WHICH IS A REALLY FUCKED UP THING! Let’s remember how he was the one to push Fjord to sleep with Advantica so they could spy on her. That boy has Issues when it comes to relationships. So if we don’t see him being as overtly gay as Beau, Molly or Yasha, well maybe it’s because that’s the way Caleb is. Bi people don’t owe you flamboyance, or dating both guys and gals for your approval. I wouldn’t make a post if it was only that, because I do feel the people who are aching for good bi rep and would love some more explicit confirmation. But Vax exists, so I know we can’t have good things down here.

VAX EXPLICITELY SHOWED ATTRACTION TO GILMORE. AS EXPLICIT AS IT GETS. HE FUCKING KISSED HIM. THEY WERE PRACTICALLY DATING. AND YET SOME OF YOU FUCKERS CALL HIM QUEERBAITING. AND I SAY: NOT ON MY WATCH! NOT ON MY FUCKING WATCH!!

How come a character can have canonically kissed another character in a romantic/sensual context and still be called straight? I know fucking Sherlock traumaticed y’all into having trust issues but believe me when I tell you: I’ts not that deep. This is not a “Haha I love u but in a no homo way bro”. It’s a “full homo darling, but also we’re gonna break up because I like someone else”. This is the opposite of queerbaiting. Instead of keeping a charade he was honest with Gilmore because he valued his feelings and realized that he couldn’t reciprocate them at that moment. And if you try to tell me that Vaxleth was forced and didn’t have a reason to exist except queerbaiting, let me tell you: you are wrong.

Vax saw Gilmore once or twice monthly while he spent a heck ton of time with Kiki. Sure, they didn’t had the kind of camera chemistry Gilmore and Vax had because Keyleth is not charismatic. She’s really awkward, and her relationship with Vax was more on the adorable and dorky side of things. I bring this up because I’m predicting something similar may happen to Shadowgast.

Trust me, I ship the hot wizards as much as any other critter (even though I’m a multishipper). But they haven’t talked to Essek in centuries. I think it may have been almost a month in rol and quite a few outside. And you have to take into account out-rol time to because they are humans (except Tal) playing a game and they forget about stuff (except Marisha and Matt). So Shadowgast may not happen because sure, they had really good chemistry for a month a month ago. People have crushes that die down over time All The Time. So maybe don’t be so butthurt about your ship not being canon that you accuse an ally of homophobia. 

The cast of CR put forward such an amazing representation for the LGBT+ community and it really hurts me that you gets stuck on the one thing that isn’t canon. Matt has created a world in which coming out is not necessary because no one assumes your sexuality. A world in which people respect pronouns and orientations (except Tary’s father, who is a villain). A world in which Cad or Caleb don’t need to explicitly say “I’m ace/bi” unless it comes up in conversation. A world in which his friends can be whatever they want to be without pressure or reprecusions. A world in which they get to explore different gender identities and sexual orientations with full freedom. Let’s not interfere with that (unless there’s missrepresentation), and let them play their game. If you really need mlm or wlw canon couples or more outwardly LGBT+ people you have plenty examples among NPCs and other cast members (Allura and kima, Yasha, Beau, Dairon, Keg, Reani, Tary, Molly and Vax among others).

There’s way worst shows taking LGBT+ cred for barely doing nothing. Fucking Supernatural is the most recent example! Critical Role works towards showing an honest portrayal of LGBT+ folk and accepts valid criticism from their fans on the subject (when they changed J’Mon Sa Ord pronouns from it to they/them). They don’t owe you making your ship canon or portraying their characters the way you want them to (again, unless when it’s constructive criticism). Stop being so Fucking entitled and enjoy the show for what it is

,Respectfully~

*Edit: I´m tagging Caleb’s ships into the post because most hate comes from shipping wars. Most Shadowgast fans are respectful of the cast’s decisions, even if it disappoints them. But since I’ve already seen people accusing Liam of biphobia in that tag and since I’ve already seen this shit with Vaxmore I’m tagging the ship. If you want to read my long ass post do it, if not, ignore it. I’m not forcing you to read it. I’ve also tagged it with biphobia so people can avoid it if it’s triggering. I’m sorry if it makes you mad that your ship is not canon, but that’s not an excuse to be toxic to the cast. Those of you getting mad are the ones that need to read this the most. Like I’ve said in the post: you’re allowed to be disappointed, you are allowed to want more, but you can’t force the cast to give you exactly what you want. And most certainly, you can’t accuse them of  some very serious stuff like biphobia and queerbaiting when it’s not the case..  

[daggersandarrows]

I was wondering if you could explain how you shipped fjord and cad if you wanted to? I’m aroace and cad being shipped makes me feel… extraordinarily uncomfortable, because cad feels like one of the only pieces of aroace rep around that pretty close to explicitly says “this character isn’t interested in anything remotely close to sexual or romantic relationships.” But I do know other ace people find him important, and I noticed your about me post mentioned you don’t ship things in the typical manner, so I was wondering if you could maybe elaborate? Id like to see if my mind can be changed basically, because I want to understand the value in something that is important to other ace people and maybe feel less uncomfortable myself.

hi anon! so basically, i'm somewhere on both the aro and ace spectrum--i've experienced both romantic and sexual attraction but so rarely that it basically doesn't factor into my life. i have...uhhh my attraction is real weird. basically.

head's up if you're sex repulsed, i'm gonna talk about that.

essentially, sex isn't...like...a "thing" for me. it's so much of a "thing" for other people. to me it's like playing tennis! not my favorite sport in the world, but i enjoy it occasionally, if a friend wants to play it with me. okay, truth be told, i like it a fair bit, but...attraction has literally nothing to do with it? i don't know how to explain it. it's real weird. i typically have absolutely zero arousal during sex, which is fine with me! it's just...it's...a thing that i like doing with people? i don't know how to explain it exactly. it's literally like a sport that i play it occasionally, that's as close as i can get.

romantic feelings, directed at me, usually make me feel extraordinarily uncomfortable. i will (very occasionally, like i can count on one hand) have those feelings for other people, but i hate having them returned. it's...so odd and uncomfortable and i can't explain it much better than that it's just (usually) totally repulsive to me.

you can imagine, it's real hard for me to find people who will be like "oh yeah! i'll casually do the sex with you" without it getting real weird.

this is where caduceus (and fjord) are a real important ship for me. i want to say right off the bat, i absolutely understand that there is sort of a competing access needs thing here--aroace people, aspec people in general, are so underrepresented, it's real hard to find one to project onto. and i understand that when caduceus came out, a lot of aroace people who are relationship repulsed just absolutely clung to him because yes, finally, a character where i don't have to worry about that.

so i get it. i really do.

here's what it's like on my end: i saw caduceus, and his mildy-puzzled-but-not-disgusted views towards porn, the happiness he got from seeing beau and yasha together, his love of physical affection, and i thought, oh thank god someone i can ship who i can imagine being the same kind of deeply practical and casual that i am about sex.

i hc fjord as demiromantic and asexual with a high sex drive. it's hard to find a character onto whom you can project the frustration and pain and, honestly, fear, that is wanting sexual release without wanting to experience sexual things. it kind of...really fucking sucks.

pairing him with cad just made sense to me--here are two people who care about each other a lot; here's caduceus, who understands sex for what it is: not something Super Special, not something shameful, but something natural and normal that doesn't have to mean anything more than you want it to. and then fjord, who's awkward as all hell and wants to be with someone he trusts without this huge Expectation of Reciprocated Feelings in Exactly This Way. it just...works. (for the record, i also hc jester as aromantic--i think they both came to the conclusion from opposite sides, so fjorester also makes a lot of sense to me as an aspec ship.)

in conclusion: i understand the discomfort, the deep craving for a character who is like you, and i don't know your exact situation, anon, but it seems like that includes a character who's gonna be like "yeah no never catching me in a relationship". i understand the frustration of people pressuring you into feeling a certain way, acting a certain way, having certain relationships.

my frustration is that it feels like people think it's impossible for me to have partners that i'm not attracted to...at all. or that me having sex with them is somehow some form of abuse, or that i'm not allowed to like sex, just because it doesn't turn me on.

may i also say, anon, that you're not required to like how other people ship characters. if you need to block my shippy tags to feel comfortable, please do so. i'm not necessarily looking to change your mind personally here, you might read all of this and go "oh okay cool makes sense! still not for me though." and that's totally cool. this is just my explanation for why the ship is so important to me personally. <3

[cadaceus]

C2E140

Hello, everyone, and welcome to my liveblogs/emotional breakdown over Campaign 2, Episode 140 of Critical Role. This was genuinely an emotional rollercoaster, and I feel so much and yet so empty at the same time? These are genuinely my longest liveblogs ever (I had a lot of emotional reactions and things to say!) so feel free to grab some snacks or water before diving into this one. Spoilers ahead, of course, so pretty please proceed with caution!

- I’m emotional thinking about this very possibly being the Mighty Nein’s last Initiative ever...

- THAT NEW LUCIEN MINI DFVGDHJKLD WHAT THE 

- Essek tied for first in Initiative let’s go babeyyyyy I’m so proud

- THE VISION OF ZUALA  😭 😭 I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS I’M SAD

- The Eyes get their turn??? Oh my god

- Ashley’s aggressive “don’t you fcking dare” when the eyes point at Beau me too, me too

- Whoaaa Caleb’s Glaive method was so interesting, I can’t believe that worked!

- STOP ATTACKING ESSEK SDFGHSJK IF HE GETS NINE EYES AND TURNS AGAINST THEM OR SOMETHING I WILL THROW A FIT

- “Veth keep your clothes on... I will cast Marine Layer” FJORD LMAOOO

- I will turn into the “leave Brittany alone” person but make it “leave Essek alone” WHY ARE YOU BEING MEAN TO HIM

- six attacks versus Veth... ruh roh raggy

- Yasha attacking Zuala makes me so saddd 

- NOOO Cad... idk why that is the one that made me tear up, but just the image of his family beckoning for him in this city of terror is making me emotional 😭

- “That’s my child’s mother...” LMAO TRAVIS

- I genuinely just copied their “shaking weights” motion in real life adhjkdlf let’s goooo Essek!! 

- VETH IS DOWN.... GOD THIS IS MAKING ME SO SAD DO NOT KILL VETH PLEASE

- “He’s gone... let him go...” oof okay that one hurt me

- Jester was so close to getting that Divine Intervention... that was almost so clutch aahhh

- why is fjord’s method of persuasion to molly just flirting with them LMAO okay king...

- “’Remember the fruit salad?’” Fjord/Travis looks so embarrassed, WHAT IS FRUIT SALAD SIR PLEASE SHARE WITH THE CLASS

- Essek actually succeeding on a Strength check to get Caleb free despite being a weak ass wizard, and then Caleb pressing his forehead against Essek’s in thanks... yes I’m soft I can’t do this, my emotions are kaput

- TWO NATURAL 20S AGAINST JESTER.....

- Jester being insta dead. I am not doing okay. Like literally about to start crying, I was not expecting it to happen that quickly or at all, she’s just so full of life and if Cad doesn’t save her.... I’m just so upset by this 😭

- One of the “Happy Thoughts” on Sam’s flask being “Luc all grown up” is so precious to me personally

- CAD BELOW 20 HP --> CAD GOING DOWN ---> CAD UP AGAIN WAS SUHC A EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER OH MY GOD

- Did Molly just scratch Lucien’s face??? Oh my god...  😭

- MATT YOU NEARLY MADE ME PANIC WITH THAT SENTENCE SFGDJKLD THAT WAS CRUEL I WAS ON THE VERGE OF TEARS ALREADY AND THAT ALMOST DID ME OVER

- Both clerics at 1 hit point.... everything is fine :) (scared version)

- CALEB WENT DOWN I AM NOT DOING WELL EVERYONE..... THIS IS SO FREAKING ROUGH 

- Jester clutch healer, not even joking, I’m so grateful for her

- I can’t believe that it’s been three hours with no break, I need to make a mug brownie to calm myself down, free us Matt Mercer (mostly /j)

- BEAU ROLLING TWO NATURAL 20S ON HER ATTACK WITH MOLLY’S BELT AROUND HER FISTS OH MY GOD POETIC CINEMA.... THE DICE GODS ARE REAL!!!!

- Essek using his eighth level spell on Lucien after he sees Caleb go down...... MY LOVE (also I wonder what he had been saving his eighth level for, since Matt said he was saving it?)

- WAIT IS CALEB DOWN OR IS HE LIKE DEAD

- okay. just got my answer. i am not doing fine.

- HOW DO YOU WANT TO DO THIS DSBJKDASL;KDSJKFDK JESTER YES JESTER YES..... OH MY GOD SHE DID IT I LOVE HER SO MUCH I’M SO EMO I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS

- Break? What do you mean BREAK? time to make that emotional support mug brownie though.....

- Caleb’s alive! He’s safe! Thank all of the gods!

- Yasha kissing each spot on Beau’s body where the eyes were... I love them so much.

- Uh oh, Caleb is going to try to revivify Lucien/Molly isn’t he? I know it... I know he is... but sometimes you have to let people go :(

- “Once you’re a member of the Mighty Nein, you’re in” oh no I’m going to cry then.... aahh

- Jester rolling a Natural 20 because she has such a good imagination is so fitting! I love her so dearly

- Beau’s appeal is going to get to me... I know it already.

- THAT NATURAL ONE HURT ME... I didn’t want Molly to come back (because sometimes it is time and they died saving the people they loved) but it still hurts, you know? To not get Molly back.

- ASHLEY;S VOICE BROKE ME... damn I was holding in my tears, but her voice when she said “there’s nothing else to do?” really got to me

- Molly being laid to rest at the Blooming Grove is so poetic, I love that

- Essek’s voice is going to get to me.... also Fjord’s “use your anger and let it fuel you” makes me think that he is speaking to his own younger self... GOD Fjord is going to make me cry

- When he said “Caleb Widogast, have you ever accepted defeat?” I was unironically waiting for a love confession

- WAIT NO WAY..... HOLY SHIT???

- DID CADUCEUS JUST ROLL A 2 PERCENT.... WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING 

- Marisha talking about the “emotional whiplash” no LITERALLY Ms Ray I understand you

- MOLLY IS BACK?????

- Matt turning to Taliesin and saying “Your eyes open for the first time in a long time” oh my god.......

- Empty. Love.

- Molly turning to Yasha and saying “Love” is so precious, I love and missed their friendship so so much

- I know I wasn’t sold on Molly coming back, but honestly this is very fitting and I love it a lot. It makes me so emotional, dear god... all of the Mighty Nein together for the first time literally ever. 😭

- “Long May He Reign” is trending on Twitter right now. I think you all know why.

- Wow, I genuinely didn’t cry this entire episode but the second is ended something in me just broke. I feel a bit speechless right now and my emotions are all over the place, but if you read all of these liveblogs please know that you are loved and valued more than you could possibly know. I love you, I love you, I love you; and is it Thursday yet? 

<3

[widonotts]

TL;DR: I long for the happiness of Veth the Brave.

It’s very confusing to me, the way people seem to take Veth at her word so often, even now. All campaign long, she has denied or downplayed what she feels, only to contradict herself later, revealing deeper truths in her most poignant and memorable moments. Every time she puts on a mask of confidence and certainty, we see it break down.

Lately, Veth has only sometimes obfuscated her feelings, particularly when the subject is brought up directly. But in so many other moments, she's planning a future with the Nein, and outright expressing her love and attachment to them. When she talks with Yeza in 128, she elevates the Nein to the level of her husband and son; she says she’s being pulled between two families. But now, with both the Nein and her husband, she’s taken on such an air of finality. She tells Yeza in 128 that she’s going to finish this, and then she’ll come home forever. Indeed, before that, she tells Caleb that, even if they are successful in stopping the Eyes of Nine, “then it’s goodbye.” And in 130, before the party leaves Zadash, she tells Yeza to think about what he wants to do “for the rest of his life” once she returns.

But we know that her certainty isn’t completely genuine; she’s still being pulled between two extremes, and they’re both incredibly important to her. When she tells Yeza she’s going to come home to him and Luc, she says she’s “almost happy with herself” and just needs to find that last piece that’ll help her feel right. And yet, in the very next episodes—especially in 129, when Yeza asks Veth if she thinks the Nein can stop them without her, prompting fifteen heartbreaking seconds of silence before she changes the subject—it is clearer than ever that she doesn’t feel valuable or important at all, that she has much further to go on the winding road to self-love. She still hasn’t shaken the lack of self-worth that has plagued her all her life. She still struggles to let herself be, to exist for herself and not anyone else.

“What about [my happiness]?” she asks Caduceus in 130, and continues, “Do I care?” It’s important to note that this isn’t a situation where one choice will result in happiness and goodness and one results in grief and sadness; she desperately wants to be with the Nein, too, something she’s explicitly expressed. Any choice she makes will result in pain for her and her loved ones, and she doesn’t even feel like she’s allowed to experience that pain.

I really want to talk more about this—about how much Veth’s deep-rooted self-esteem issues and her difficulty prioritizing herself are affecting this resolute way she promises she’s going to leave. It’s very similar to Beau’s reaction after reuniting with her father, feeling insecure and doubtful of her worth: she was self-sabotaging, ready to give up everything she had with the Nein, because of how much she loved them. Because she didn’t deserve them. Because she was willing to give up everything, including her happiness, for them.

And now we have Veth, guilty as all hell, insecure as ever and not at all “almost happy,” convinced that she has to leave: not because she has decided without a shadow of a doubt that she wants to stay with Yeza and Luc and doesn’t want to stay with the Nein, but because she loves the Nein and doesn’t deserve that love. Yes, of course, she loves her first family and feels she has a duty to them. She adores Luc; she desperately wants to be with him. But she also doesn’t feel worthy of the Nein, and she’s guilty for feeling the love she holds for them, the love she holds for Caleb, the true joy and self-fulfillment she's found as a part of this family. She is prepared to give up her happiness for her duty both to her son and the Nein, and she doesn’t even know if it’s wrong to grieve that sacrifice. The longer she stays with the Nein, the guiltier she feels, just for being happy to be with them.

Just like Beau, she’s self-sabotaging. But unlike Beau after offering her life to Isharnai, Veth isn’t being fully honest with herself about it. We’ve seen Veth minimize and deny her feelings from the very beginning—not without a great amount of growth since then, but not without steps backwards, either. And every episode, we continue to see her contradict that confident facade. We know she’s feeling much more than she lets on; she always is.

As such, there’s an extreme level of avoidance here. For so long, Veth used her goblin body as an excuse to avoid her feelings. After she and Caleb successfully completed her Transmogrification, she shifted her primary excuse for avoiding her feelings about Yeza and Luc to her responsibility to the Mighty Nein. Now, the tables have turned. By promising this future to her husband, she is further enabling her avoidance of her feelings for Caleb and the Nein, pushing them deeper and deeper, making them harder and harder to acknowledge. Once again, she isn’t allowing herself to experience her own emotions. It isn’t fair to herself; acknowledgement and acceptance of her feelings is one of the most crucial steps towards self-love, if not the very most important. To suggest that Veth leaving after this arc would be an easy happy ending is to accept Veth’s self-denial as the truth, rather than a manifestation of her guilt and shame.

Of course, none of us know truly when or if she will leave, and she certainly has reason to do so. The longing and love she feels for her son is immense, and that can’t be overstated. But I also don’t think it can be overstated that Veth's current conviction is also in part a result of her very deep unhappiness with herself. It's a result of her ever-present impulse to put her loved ones before herself, even when it comes to her own feelings, dreams, and happiness. She has a long journey ahead of her, one I very much want to see her take. No matter what, I don’t believe for one second that, if Veth should leave, it would truly be her final goodbye.