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bobawitch · 6 months ago

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Highschool Battlefield | C.S

pairing: chris sturniolo x fem reader <3

cw: none!

wc: 2,379

a/n: OMG YALL IM SO SORRY! i did not mean to disappear off the face of the earth thats so my bad. life got crazy and my writers block was unrelenting. but heres the first chapter in a chris fic that ive been working on off and on. hope yall enjoy ;P

Chapter One:

You always had a distaste for “normal” highschool activities like pep rallies and homecoming afterparties. Which landed the question of why were you here? At the homecoming pep rally for your highschool. Well that was easy, your best friend Allison had dragged you. She had begged you for the last week and a half to come and eventually you gave in. Now Allison was the literal opposite of you, popular, bubbly. She was the girl everyone loved, and you were her best friend that no one understood. Most of the school just knew you as Allie’s friend, it wasn’t uncommon for people to not even know your name. She had it all, the style, the boyfriend, the grades, she was head of student council as well as head cheerleader. Honestly sometimes you wondered why she was your best friend, you were nothing like her. You were the outcast art kid that could have amazing grades if they cared, but you didn’t. Honestly if you hadn’t met Allie in 2nd grade you doubt y’all would’ve become friends. So now you sat on the top of the bleachers watching Allie lead the cheerleaders in their big routine, the football boys sitting on the front of the bleachers as the rest of the school screamed and cheered. Even though the homecoming pep rally was mainly for the football team the other sports teams were encouraged to wear their jerseys. Among the jocks you saw Chris, anybody that was anybody knew who Chris Sturniolo was. Potentially the most popular lacrosse player in the whole school, and way out of your social group. Though his older triplet brother Nick was a good friend of Allie’s so sometimes you’d cross paths. Your eyes drifted from his messy curls over to Allie and her beaming smile. You grinned to yourself, looking down at the sketchbook in your lap. A small sigh escaped your lips as your thumb pushed the volume button on your phone. Djo blared in your ears and you closed your eyes, laying your head back against the wall.

As you drifted into your own imaginary world you felt someone tap your shoulder and your eyes shot open. You were met with Allie’s big blue eyes and toothy white smile. You nodded at her as she sat next to you. “Hey.” You mumbled, tugging your earbuds out of your ear by their chord. You grabbed the pencil out of the ring of your sketchbook, opening it to the page of doodles of people in the auditorium. “I’m so glad you came Y/N!” Allie nearly yelled into your ear. You smiled over at her. “You’re my best friend, of course I came!” You shouted back. She grinned, leaning her head on your shoulder as her boyfriend came up to her. Jackson, Allie’s boyfriend, head of the football team. They were textbook prom queen and king. You gave a half smile at Jackson as he nodded to you, pulling Allie back to her feet. “Hey babe, the sports teams are going to get some pizza, wanna come?” Allie nodded before looking back at you. “Yep! And you’re coming with Y/N.” You looked up, your eyes fluttering in a confused look. “Uh, no thanks I’m good.” Allie shook her head and grabbed your arm, tugging you to your feets and causing your pencil to drop next to your docs. You sighed, Allie got like this sometimes, where she’d decide it was her turn to pick what we did. You slowly bent to grab your pencil and stuff it along with your sketchbook, back into your bag. You then adjusted the ratty flannel that clung to your arms as Allie let Jackson lead her away, following closely behind. You loved Allie but whenever she tried to force you into going places with Jackson and her cheerleader friends you felt a bit out of place. It was overall uncomfortable for you and usually no one would talk to you.

Soon enough the 3 of you arrived at a pizza place by your school and you stepped out of the car. A singular earbud securely tucked into your ear as Allie and Jackson pranced into the place, arm and arm. You crossed your arms as you walked in afterwards, finding a seat at the end of the table where some of the hockey and lacrosse players sat. You pulled out your sketchbook and began drawing again, peering into the back where a tall boy with black hair flipped some pizza dough. You quickly began a sketch of the boy, it was a hobby of yours to just sketch the people around you. It was so common that you had almost managed to draw everyone in your small high school. “That’s really good.” You jumped slightly from the sudden voice, looking up and being met with bright blue eyes. You stared at none other than Chris Sturniolo who met your gaze before looking behind him to see the boy you were drawing. “You’re really good at drawing.” He spoke again. “Oh uh, thanks. It’s just a hobby.” You shrugged, suddenly feeling the need to put your sketchbook away. He watched as you slid your sketchbook closed, setting down your pencil. “You’re Allie’s friend right?” He kept eye contact with you as you looked at the rest of the table. All of his teammates were chatting and laughing and yet here he was looking at you. “Uh, yeah.” You finally answered his question, looking at Allie who was talking to Chris’s other brother, Matt. Matt was on the hockey team with the triplet’s friend Nate, though you could still feel Chris’s eyes boring into the side of your face. “Does Allie’s friend have a name?” He spoke once more, causing you to turn. “Oh, sorry. Yeah hi, I’m Y/N.” You quickly muttered out. You weren’t good with socializing and you couldn’t quite wrap your head around why Chris Sturniolo of all people was talking to you. “I’m Chris. Nice to meet you Y/N.” You smiled lightly before looking down again, staring at the cover of your sketchbook. “Oh Y/N you met Chris?” Allie was suddenly sitting shoulder to shoulder with you, smiling with joy. “Uh, yeah.” She smiled and leaned closer to Chris. “You’ll have to excuse her, she’s not very social.” She said, nudging you playfully. You rolled your eyes before nudging her back, a smile tugging at your lips. “I am too, I just wasn’t expecting anyone to talk to me here.” You rebutted, looking at Chris again. His lips were tugged into a playful smirk. You rubbed your nose, your rings gently clicking against your septum piercing. You looked back towards where the pizza boy was, he had since left causing a sigh to escape your lips. “Did your muse disappear?” Chris teased from across you. You rolled your eyes. “Not my muse, I just like drawing candids.” “Then draw me.” You scrunched your nose, furrowing your eyebrows as you studied the boy’s face. “Uh no.” You shook your head, slowly opening your sketchbook and swiping past the drawings of the pep rally. “Why not?” You could’ve been imagining it but you almost thought you heard genuine hurt in the boy’s voice. “Because.” You tried to search for a reason but honestly you didn’t know why you wouldn’t draw him. “Because why?” He leaned closer, his tone a teasing and playful one. You sighed and flipped to an open page. “I don’t draw people when they are posing for it.” It wasn’t your best argument but it would work. “First time for everything right?” You sighed, examining the blue-eyed boy that sat in front of you. You chewed on your inner cheek before giving in. “Ok fine. Just act like I’m not drawing you please.”

Chris’s grin was impossible to hide as he bounced up and down in his chair. He cleared his throat before looking directly at you, apparently this was how he wanted you to draw. You shook your head, yet another sigh escaping your lips. “No, just start talking to your teammates and I’ll draw you. I don’t want to draw you staring at me.” He furrowed his brows, obviously confused as to why you cared so much but obliging anyway.

You stared at Chris’s features as your pencil danced along your sketchbook paper. You hated to admit it but Chris was actually pretty fun to draw. His hair swooped it a way that you enjoyed replicating. After about 20 minutes you had filled an entire page of your sketchbook with quickly drawn poses of Chris. You cleared your throat to catch his attention, him immediately stopping his conversation with his teammate and looking at you. He smirked when he noticed the clutch you had on your sketchbook. You slowly slid your sketchbook over to Chris before sliding your hand back. For some reason watching him inspect your drawings of him made you anxious, your heart beating out of your chest as you waited for some kind of reaction from the boy. He stared intently at the page before his hand gripped the edge of it. With a long ripping noise he pulled the page of drawings out of your sketchbook. You watched with an agape mouth as he folded it up and placed it securely in his pocket. “Thanks pretty girl.” He winked at you before turning to his teammate and beginning to speak again. You were absolutely stunned, staring blankly at the insanely popular boy. “Uh… yeah. Don’t mention it.” You looked over to your phone that lit up and frowned, taking your sketchbook and stuffing it in your bag. You stood, leaning over to Allie. “Dad called, I gotta get home. See you tomorrow.” Before you left the pizza place.

You gazed into your friend’s mirror, glaring daggers at your own reflection. Once again you found yourself questioning what you did to get into this predicament. You were in a black denim mini skirt with a black lace tank top hugging your curves, complimented by your signature fishnets and platform doc marten boots. You looked over to Allie’s bed where your green denim jacket laid. Quickly you grabbed it, snaking it around your arms before pulling it around your waist, hiding your torso from yourself. You hated when Allie made you dress up for things and today was no exception. Somehow you had talked Allie out of making you wear a big dress to homecoming but when you attempted to talk her out of making you go you were less successful. So you sighed and put on your least tomboy outfit before heading to Allie’s. She also insisted on doing your hair and makeup. You had sat as still as possible as the girl did a “clean girl” look on you. You quickly fixed it by adding some dark eyeliner and a little bit of liner on your waterline, darkening your eyes. Seemingly content with your look and her own, Allie dragged you to your truck. You had agreed to drive her so she could get wasted even if it meant you had to be at a high school dance completely sober. Not only that but Allie had already signed you up for going to at least one homecoming after party.

Within no time you had gotten Allie to the school, helping her tipsy self out of your passenger seat before walking her over to Jackson. Jackson smiled at her and she quickly tackled him, smashing her lips against his. You cringed and looked away, making a fake gag face. You hated PDA, maybe just because you had never experienced it with someone, maybe because watching people swap saliva was gross. Who knows. After the two broke apart Jackson led Allie off towards the opening of the dance, looking back at you and nodding for you to follow. You looked down at your beat up boots before sighing and slowly dragging your feet to the front. Alison walked in with Jackson without a second glance at you, just expecting you to blindly follow her into your own personal hell. The overwhelming urge to cover your ears hit you like a ton of bricks, followed quickly by the smell of teenage sweat. You sighed walking over to a table that Allie had thrown her bag on. You sat down and pulled out your pocket sketchbook, grabbing your pencil from the messy bun you had thrown your hair into. You were granted a few fleeting moments of peace before you felt a tap on your shoulder. Upon swinging your head around you were met with a newly familiar pair of eyes. You felt your heart leap through your throat as you stared at the Sturniolo boy. “Hey pretty girl. Wasn’t expecting you to be at one of these, doesn’t seem like your thing.” He spoke in his usual charismatic way though he was forced to a near shout by the loud music. Chris held eye contact with you as he sat in the plastic chair next to you. “It’s not my thing, Allie made me come.” You replied to him in a shout, looking over to where Allie danced with her boyfriend. You sighed before looking back to Chris, a smirk still on his face. “Oh and stop calling me pretty girl. I have a name.” Chris chuckled, causing you to wonder if what you had said was funny. Chris opened his mouth to say something but before he spoke you felt a weight collapse on your shoulders. Your nose was immediately filled with the rosey perfume you knew Allie wore to events. Your hands moved up to hold her arms that had wrapped around you. “Hey Allie.” You said, Allie’s drunken giggling in your ears. She looked up and smiled at Chris. “Hii Chrissy!! I’m so glad you met Y/N, she’s so funnn.” You looked at Chris who was softly admiring you. Eyes darted away as your cheeks grew warmer. You stood, one hand still holding onto Allie’s arms and the other catching your sketchbook. “Come on Allie let’s go dance.” Allie smiled and moved her arms, grabbing your hand instead. You set down your sketchbook and gave a glance to Chris before walking off to the dance floor.

#bobawitch #bobawitch asks #sturniolo triplets #nick sturniolo #chris sturniolo #matt sturniolo #sturniolo #sturniolo triplets imagines #christopher sturniolo x reader #sturniolo imagine #chris sturniolo x you #chris sturniolo imagine #chris sturniolo x reader

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rockintapper · 7 months ago

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i say stuff about rh characters part 2two

becuase. teehee

the fir1st one, the t3hird one

rhds tiem!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!readmore jumpscare

yuka: wair i already d

that frog doll from the tutorial: I give!

note: the jumperrrr

widget: oh its you. yknow your older brother /gn akai mono likes to piss people off sometimes /silly

conductor: jj rpcker questions why you dont move and im glad i can answer her with "he does in megamix"

chorus kids: hi elleon the screaming screamers. theyre ltierally so sikly. but Watch Out

robots (fillbots): the snall one reminds me of coxmo. yall know cozmo? the lil guy and he had cubs that he plays with. and you cn like. and he. cost 200 dolar. the snall rovoNow i feel nostalgic

pop singer (erina): shhehehjdubdmyedrjguexrguderjugdexkvguuggxrwguvvjgkzhdvjgwxd

monkey (fan club): boy stop staring at me your judgemental ass lyour fuckin We're the best fanclSHUT yo stupid ass up fuckin banana lookin headasss i suppose you should jump off a cli

paddler: scare the shit out of me /half sily

blastronaut and shoot-'em-up radio lady: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

inturders: l + ratio + get blasted

captain blue bird: when i heard this lil shit go "STRETCH OUT YOUR NECK" the firsttime i was like WA IT THAT REMINDS ME OF SOMETHIGNG,,, WHHWHAHAYTFAFYA

the blue birds: ok actually. the enitre minigame takes me all the way back to the we are number one rh remix imm so df. s SADDACGFHEVVHG /POS

moai kids: doo-womp womp

moai bird: wait i though you were called seagullx

love lizards: Wonderful cnaracters, HHHHHHORIBBLE minigame. that is all. unles you uh. i mean. listen. leans c,oser to you. what if you flicked for each shake.

stomp farI HHEHDHHHHHJBJFXHEHBSDXJHB. GRABS HIM SHAKES HIM SHAKES HIM SHAKES HIM SHAKES HIM SHAKES HIM IT WAS OOONNNEEE MOOOOOOLLLEEEEEEEE OOOOONENEEEEEE MOOOOOLLLLLEEEEEEE

oh god the vegetables again: ok!

moles: pats your head. i know. hes very mean to you guys. i mean. like. i misse dlike One of oyu and stomp farmer gave me A GOD FORSAKEN ok. i know its not his fault its the games. judgement system. but the way he

tj snapper: me and the bad bitch i pulled by being autistic

tj snapper's girlfriend: me and the goofy guy i pulled by being autistic

the dazzles: stop staring at me im trting my best,,

munchy monk: i call him munchy in my head. he smiles SOOO WIDE in the battle of the bands audience hes so goofy i lov

dj yellow: SCRATCHO

dj blue: i. the lips. the lips. what have the done to you. its gonna be okay. i sure as hell am not drawing you with those big ass lips. hily s

taiko rally squad: DON DOKODOKODON DOKODOKODON kinda unfair how in the try again and ok screens this guy Loses. but in the superb screen BOTH SIDES WIN. PARTICIPATION TROPHY-ASS SHIT

research scientists of love lab: bi4bi. and if youre willing, bi4bi4bi.

the three synchrettes: alley-oop!

dolphins: oh cool dolphins :)

ecto: omg hiiiii helloo litle guyyy i wuv youuu ^_^ kises your snall tiny forehead

booboo: FUCK you FUCK you FUCK you FU

spooky: honestly? i fw him

dog ninja: i wanna cook soup wjf youbyoure soawesome and cool and i lpve you hii doggyyy hi dogy. dohyynkkgunnbuyrctib

mister eagle: thanks for telling me to cut the fruits. i was gonna do that anyway but like. shoutout to you man. props

the frogettes: jj rocker really likes you huh. cant get enough young love rock and roll even

space kicker: hi radar AAGHHHH THE SPACE!!! KI IEKR AAHH ITS HIM INAHIUIBSSYSBIYFIBYDS /VPOS

stepswitcher: love these thangs. i have several of my own thangs. the one i (mc) adore most is the purple thang. his name is mo

JJ ROCLEKEKRKMJ &*;*;&;&$-$×<;^<^<^$ UBGDEBGSCXUGBUSDXGBBHG my eif ei lvoe her so so sp sososososoos muuch foreverrr aheehee giggle. kicks my feet twirls my hair. i think i hauve covid

STUDENT ROKCKONOUCRFUIBCFEJHBGCERBGUSXD MY CHILD HE HAS EVERY DISEASE

airboarder: yeeeeaaaaaAAAAAAAHHHHHHH LETS GO

seals: wait. whatd you do with the dolphins. where are they. say somethign . Where are thr DOLPH

smiling coin: do i know you

thr cnaract3rs from tunnel the endless game: ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i gues. but like. do you really ned a cowbell to keep driving? i mean. just record yourself playing a cowbell and like play it on the radio. just do that. why am i holding a cowbell anc playing the cowbel for YOU. do it yourselfIs she even listening to. m

glass tappers: ths Glass Tappers J SWEWR EVERY TIME I READ THR WORD "TAPPERS"

the thing from rhythmove dungeon: youre. okay. i guess. i only played your endless game once. uh it 's fine. i mean.

clodhopper pickens: youre so full of glee,, id be happy too if my business card made music,,

slot monster: tjen scdrunkly. scdunkyl. scrunkly. sc

octo-pop: WAHAHHA THE. MSUIC SO FAST

beat machine: i barely messed around with this one. it's fine . wish the crowd wasnt so judgemental thogu

beatbag I dont know this one

kappa dj: ive seen you on davidmismol thumbnails and thats basically it lel

okaye wow owwowow owowowo WOWWOWWOW

#rhythm heaven #i did Nawt mean to psot this so early. well. uh. come get your slop /j

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hitchfender · 5 years ago

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Im sorry but i really dont understand why are you guys so obsessed with proving to louis' lgbt fans that hes homophobic and hates them just bc he not pick up the flags thrown at him. There r loads of celebs who support lgbt people but dont wave pride flags. Taylor swift hasnt ever waved any pride flag thrown at her(n i assure u ppl do throw em)but she still shows enormous support to lgbt ppl. yall arent proving anything at all just hurting lgbt ppl for stanning someone you dont like n its shitty

Yeah n during hs1 harrys target audience was straight white old dudes too yet none of his current fanbase abandoned him lol. Louis hasnt ever shown that he hates his female fanbase or wants more old White men as his fans n is still proud of his 1d days which isnt the best selling point to old straight white men. Louis interacts more warmly n is more lovely to his female fanbase than harry ever has been to his fans for the past 5 years lol. Louis liking oasis doesn't mean he wants oasis fans

i’m going to begin this (lengthy, sorry) response by addressing some things you’ve said that i disagree with.

i (sarah) believe that louis is homophobic and hates his lgbt fans

dude i don’t know shit about louis tomlinson. in the post you’re responding to, i didn’t mention or even imply that he hates his fans - just that i find it odd that so many young queer women rally around his music, when artists like kasabian and the pigeon detectives are reaching such a different demographic. i have no evidence that he’s a homophobe, and wouldn’t throw that claim around lightly. nothing personal there.

louis, like taylor swift, does not wave pride flags, but still supports his lgbt fans in a manner comparable to the way taylor does

you’re wrong about that, and i’m a swiftie so i have proof! in 2019 alone taylor donated $113,000 to a project advocating for the rights of lgbt people in her home state of tennessee, she performed at stonewall, and she released a whole single about how being homophobic is silly and bad. even five years ago her lyrics marked explicit acceptance of her queer fans (“boys and boys and girls and girls”). whether you feel that those forms of support are meaningful or merely performative, they’re undeniable and quite bold.

you know more about louis’ allyship than i do, because i’m not a fan of his, but i just googled “louis tomlinson lgbt support” and this headline - from 2014 - was the top result:

frankly that is embarrassing. feel free to explain.

“during hs1 harry’s target audience was straight white old dudes” / “louis interacts more warmly n is more lovely to his female fanbase than harry ever has been to his fans for the past 5 years”

i mean, most of that’s provably false.

again, because i don’t follow louis, i can’t compare him with harry, and i welcome any evidence you have to offer. gotta say this google search doesn’t bode well

here’s what you’re right about: louis still talking about and being proud of his days in one direction isn’t going to endear him to many straight male fans, and his liking oasis doesn't mean he wants his fans to love them too. fair enough. my tag post, as i’ve said, was just pointing out the disparity between his fanbase and that of artists who are making similar music, and wondering aloud how he feels about it. as a fan, you’d have more insight there than i would, but i don’t think we disagree.

anon, i’m not trying to start a fight or publicly humiliate you, and if you’d like to come back into my inbox to discuss this further i’d be happy to talk. forgive me for the assumption, but i’m guessing you’re not straight - and in that case you and i are on the same side! we’re just two gay music fans trying to find artists we can see ourselves in! representation is important, and when you find a musician you love it’s natural to believe they care about you personally, but it’s just not always the case. as fans we have to decide for ourselves if we’re willing to overlook an artist’s potential shortcomings in favour of their art, or if it’s more worthwhile to seek out musicians who can provide that sort of distanced - but rewarding - emotional support. i know which one i’ve chosen.

#thanks for scrolling through all of this ❤️#not gonna lie the 'female fans' google search made me laugh #and i welcome any further discussion

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ts-akhmim · 4 years ago

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Episode 7 “It's a Hot Mess Express “ - Scott

People are so hard to work with. I get they don't like this challenge truly I do but I just wish they wouldn't keep shutting down every idea I had. It's... annoying. I get that I'm also the problem here. Because if an entire room full of people is saying you're wrong then you're probably wrong but still. I dislike being shut down. I've just been feeling kind of isolated since my name was written down. Even in my own alliance it seems like everyone thinks less of me for being paranoid. It doesn't help that I'm not entirely pop culture savvy so a lot of their convos I'm a bit out of the loop on. Part of me wonders if it's cause I'm in a male dominated environment? I don't think they are sexist but I do think that I'm being unintentionally ignored. Like throughout the duration of this confessional I have submitted 6 ideas/comments to the group and they've either been left in the dust or dismissed. That has to mean something right? Is it my personality? Did I come on too strong with my enthusiasm? Do they think I'm bossy? Socializing doesn't exactly come naturally to me. If anyone had met me 4 years ago you'd probably be in the know. You know that ability where you can pick up what people imply, whether through body language or through hidden meanings. I don't. I literally was born with out that ability and it has done whatever the opposite of wonders are for my life. At first I thought it was fine, I thought hey no big, everything is good, people like me eventually. But then I played Malaysia... A lot of great things came out of that game, a lot of good friendships and memories but in a way it sort of haunts me. When the confessionals came out, for the first time ever I saw what people thought about me. Sure they liked me eventually but they also disliked me. Like really really didn't like me at all. It was my first real interaction with people outside of the treatment school I went to, it was my first real interaction with the rest of the world and people hated my guts. Don't get me wrong I always suspected I was disliked but... to see their actual written thoughts on paper was hard. Of course as they got to know me they started to like me but I couldn't forget that it wasn't always like that. That at one point they looked at me or their screen or whatever and saw a pest. And that's my biggest fear, that I'm the problem. That no matter where I go people see me and are filled with dread or disgust. That people are always wishing me some from of ill because I'm bad at conversation or sort of creepy. Well at least they came to their own conclusions now, maybe they pulled their heads out of their asses or because it wasn't me they were actually able to function. God this spiraled, I only wanted to complain about how shitty my tribe was being not go on this full blown existential rant. Fuck me am I right? I'm not sure what this is going to contribute to the game. There is no hashtag big moves or fun comments but like I already typed this up so I'm not going to delete it like a pussy.

Ok now we can talk whew. UMMMM not Connor fucking up Duncan's perfect record! Now that I'm over the shock, thank you Connor because I'm 95% sure that obsession is the reason Duncan did the most to make sure Devon voted me instead of him back on Thoth https://giphy.com/gifs/mamovie-stalking-octavia-spencer-eavesdropping-j5uEVYERR0ncYlJ36e Really pleased with how the game is shaping up tbh, assuming I don't lose another music video challenge hahaha. I would LOVE a final 3 with me, Ali, and Devon but I know that's a long way off so I'm just focusing on the here and now. My biggest concern is protecting Ali. Essentially Duncan hit me up to work with him, TJ, and Jordan and I was very much like lol not sure about that. Mainly because Jordan and I don't have a strong relationship? And Duncan was like yeah but he wants to get to know you better and I'm like https://giphy.com/gifs/week-wtf-moments-QjIz1AqkGTszK If that's the case, that needs to come from Jordan and then it's between me and Jordan. Why someone else is interceding on Jordan's behalf is very dicey to me but I'm not that surprised because that continues to be a theme with Duncan: getting me to fit into plans that best suit him. Y'all know DAMN well Jordan Pines don't wanna go to the end with me and the feeling is mutual. But I HAVE to make it work with Jordan or Duncan will get pissy. He literally was like ok well who are you close with and I felt a serious feeling in my gut to not mention Ali. So I said oh I talk to Adam a lot but I wouldn't say I trust Adam. So after telling Ali all of this lmao, we decided I needed to go back to Duncan and say yes because it would keep me in the know and keep both of us safe. Also it allows me to keep an eye on Jordan and Duncan at the same time so we truly stan. And the gag is I'm not scared of Jordan Pines and I welcome the challenge of getting him out so love yall for letting me in through the front door hahaha My new issue is just timing. We'll be ok if we win this next challenge but if not, I could see that alliance targeting Ali. Obviously I have a plan and will put the vote on someone else but I really want to prolong turning on that group for as long as I can. I don't wanna spook TJ and I know killing Jordan will leave me with a pissed Duncan and I really don't need that based on how seriously he's playing. So I'm hoping I can finesse somehow? Maybe one of them gets idoled out at merge and then a blindside on the other won't be as messy. But yeah I keep feeling like the walls are closing in, in terms of allies, and I'm working HARD to make sure I have an exit strategy at all times haha cause fuck these men I'm trying to win again. I "love everyone" which means I have no problem voting out anyone

So let me just make sure i got this right, connor tried to get people to vote for me, they all told me, he "planned" with me to go for liam, then....he votes for duncan and he goes home unanimously? little did he realize when he went around and gave a feeble attempt at rallying people to vote for me, i had already rallied everyone to go for him and made sure everyone knew he was a liar and couldnt be trusted, you know im a firm believer in loose lips sink ships and i absolutely used my big mouth as my weapon to sink his ship. Even if there turns out to be some majority alliance that did this all without me then well...i guess that's another story but im still taking my hard earned credit because either way i got what i wanted one way or another so im here for it, sorry gal! i now find myself in a position i hope i can make some moves with, duncan already just made a vague to comment to me about how "it only takes 4 now" which he's right, and he mentioned autumn, himself, me, and ali. Which, that's a 4 I would love to go forward with for the time being, i like to think ive had good genuine talks with them 3 in particular, and now we can start get together maybe lock something in and if we make it to a merge or even another swap we at least have something to work with with each other, but we'll see, we gotta focus on immunity first now, id love to win just to for sure see any of the other people who lied to me go home oop so while i may be feeling ok now i just have to remember to simmer down and play smart and make the right connections with the right people i need and saying the right things to whomever needs to hear it, because that's what i do best in these type of games to stay alive, i feel like my intuition has been leading me ok so far this game so im just gonna keep basing my decisions off that and charging forward PERIOD and ill damn sure do it with or without the help of the tomb because a bitch can not get in ive tried over and OVER at this point im back to pounding on the door of it just hoping if im annoying enough yall will let me in!

i'll do a proper game confessional later but me and dan are both judges for the svalbard music video challenge and its so sad that we cant talk... its like... this could be us working on a music video if things were different kjlsdfa its missing dan and jake hours

Whew! Sorry about that what happened was I ran out of anxiety meds a few days and that rant was the commutation of being with out sanity pills for three days! Everything is fine! I am fine! People are fine! I am sorry to the future Thoth 2.0 tribe, you are all great, I just get very spirally when I am without some sort of stabilizing force! Sorry to the hosts for using this as a diary this is not a diary this is survivor... Anyway this time I have some more constructive things to add! Okay so things are fine. Dan and I continue to bond, though he had to call me out on being bad at communication in order for our relationship to progress. I get it was like a check point or whatever and frankly I appreciated it. Like I said in my rant yesterday I have massive paranoia when comes to interacting with people and whether they like me or not, so constructive feedback while annoying is always helpful. Plus through research I found that he values a good social game so the fact that he's reaching out and telling me what I'm doing wrong is probably a sign that I'm not a lost cause :D. It turns out we have a few mutual friends our lord and savior John Coffey and also Sarah,... Lynn to be specific there are like a shit ton of Sara(h)s so should probably clarify lol. I want to work with him. I know he's in the majority alliance with the brawn tribe, which also contains Jakey and Jordan. Considering the fact that the beauties are slowly but surely getting eliminated, their favor would be helpful to me and mine. However, I know for sure that one of them wrote my name down. Honestly probably both of them. I know I keep harping on this fact but I just really really don't like the idea of looking like an idiot by aligning with someone who wanted me dead or wanted to fuck with me. If we do lose this challenge we are going to have to figure out who to keep or who to eliminate, I feel like it should be between those two. Mostly because I'm not exactly comfortable with a brawn majority. Like I know how people are saying tribe lines don't matter and while they don't, advantages do. And what more advantageous than being in a majority alliance? If we get rid of a brawn that would make it 4 brains- 4 beauty - 5 brawn. Which seems a bit more fair lol. Also RIP Connor remember how I said he was a threat? Welp I guess this is why they don't ask me for cast assessments :/ and also cause I was dead for like several years.

absolutely nothing has happened in fact i was kinda in a ~mood~ today so i feel like my social game took a big L because i didnt feel like talking to anyone and i was busy so i kept being that bitch to responding once an hour ..... but in other news i finally accessed the tomb, and once i started using more than one brain cell at a time i was able to get in and it was actually about 10x easier than i was making it out to be im not sure WHY i was struggling so much but of course, to no surprise i finally get in and the pedestal is empty AGAIN. Now there's not only at least 1 idol from the last time i went in the tomb gone, but there's possibly a second too, if not an advantage that can easily be played against me. At this point all i can do is try and recover a little bit, tomorrow ill have to just try more with my conversations and hopefully one of the people i can somewhat trust is the person who has whatever was in their time time around but probably not, it's never that easy

okay so i have a video confessional from earlier uploading which is kind of a recap of the last two rounds BUTTT!! liam just finished editing our video and i love it!! he did so good and our tribe all tried our best... im just hoping the other tribe didn't go bananas all out, because if they didn't we should hopefully win... i really wanna win immunity because otherwise i feel like adam is gonna be the vote and i dont want that anymore KJASDFA. i would just be sad because idk who the alternative would even be.... so basically we better win immunity KJLSADFA

Me: Alright everyone, make sure you film horizontally!!! Devon: Fuck you

Honestly!!! I take back what i said about Kendall. I feel like we’re making some strides to work together??? Or she’s playing me? I’m hoping to stir a Devon vote this round because I think he threw the vote on Kendall to piss me off, but who knows. I wanna talk to Jakey and see what he thinks about a me/him/augusto/Amir alliance to get through this vote? Idk I trust him but who knows!!!! Maybe everyone is lying to me???

okay... i know i said god is a woman and her name is autumn but its time for the remix. god is a woman and her name is alyssa's mum because alyssa's mum just rescued us from defeat in that challenge JKASDF the judges were kinda unnecessarily harsh but we move on. basically for the other tribe's tribal, i hope jake/dan/devon live... hopefully another scary old school person goes but tbh who knows what is going to happen?! im just so happy to have made f13, i said i'd come 14th in my intro so we love surpassing my own expectations

the immunity challenge went well, we won, which is good because i just didnt feel like going to tribal council because im honestly unsure what the hell is going on, i wanted to feel good about the connor vote because obviously that was my plan from the start however he just made it a little too easy by not talking to a lot of people allegedly, up until right before the vote, i dont think there'd be an easy vote next time we go to tribal, unless ... it's me... am i the easy vote?? i wanna really think im not but its just always too quiet to me when we dont go to tribal there's also lots of talk and speculation about a possible merge at 13, but me and my vivid imagination aka paranoia think maybe another swap of some sort could still happen even if for just another round or 2, i never knew with you sneaky hosts!! also i know we won in the challenge but we wouldve won in the challenge by even more if liam used more footage of my video i sent in i feel like i got no screentime!!! but of course i kept my big mouth shut for once because there's no i in team so ill try not to throw too much of a diva fit but listen... i tried to give yall a DEATH DROP, and i pulled a wig ruveal by snatching off my hat, and i was giving you a whole tik tok dance i made myself..... but there was no way i was doing more than beyonce's part so he didnt have much to work with so touche .... the full version i made will just be deleted scenes for myself ill reflect on when im more mature and think to myself "what the fuck was i doing?"

So not to my surprise, we end up losing the challenge AGAIN!! I've just accepted that I really don't have any luck in this game. I was really hoping that we'd just win every challenge until the merge because I'm over going to tribal and voting people out. I feel like going to the amount of tribal councils that I have has left a huge target on my back. But at the same time, I'm playing the game more than other are. Maybe I have that going for me, who knows. Anyways, the Thots alliance is deciding on either Devon or Dan for this vote. I basically told them I was good with either, even though I would perfer to keep Devon so that I at least have more of an opportunity to rebuild our relationship. I've made it very clear that if the group as a whole wanted to do Devon that I'd write his name down to prove that I trust this group moving forward. So we decide to go with Dan for this vote, and this doesn't really sit well with Jakey. I'm not surprised by that, since I know he's wanted Kendall out for awhile now. But he is really adamant that he doesn't want Dan to go. Which I get, he thinks that Dan would trust him moving forward. When it comes to Dan though, his social game lacks so much that it's like "I don't even know if I can trust him moving forward". And I think the fact that Jakey more so wants to target Kendall this round instead of Dan is a strong sign for me. I'm pretty positive he has an idol since the brain one has been found and he's lied to me about clues before. So this has me thinking, maybe it's a good time to get Jakey out this round? Thinking about it numbers wise for the future, we don't really need Jakey's vote for a majority this round since the four beauties and myself makes 4, and if we bring in Devon that's 5. Plus, I don't even think that Jakey's under the impression that he would... get voted out this round. He seems offly confident that he's staying, just that Dan's going. But I like to think he'd let Dan be a sinking ship and go.. Idk I'm gonna try to pitch this to Amir and see what he thinks. I kind of tried to hint around it to Augusto that Jakey wasn't cool with it, but Augusto kind of turned a blind eye at that. And I don't trust Kendall with my thoughts since she's very blunt... so I wouldn't be surprised if she leaked my plans. Similarly to what Devon did when I voted him out last week. I'm hoping that Amir will see where I'm coming from and that he might be open to that concept. For all I know, I could be voted out this round. And honestly, that'd be the smart move for them to make because my perception in the game so far has been pretty spot on. I think my self awareness this time around has been an asset for me, so I'm hoping that I can get by this vote and hopefully enter the merge soon.

Coming back into the game, I knew I needed to open up a bit and start to Slither earlier than I would imagine. After throwing a vote onto Kendall, I broke down any chance between the Beauty and Brawn working together to knock out myself and Scott. I haven't told anyone about my vote, and don't plan to. Going into this vote, Dan should be the obvious choice. OG Brawn hasn't suffered any additional losses in numbers, and I'm just too close with Augusto/Amir/Kendall to consider flipping. In preparation of tonight NOT being a swap, I established an alliance with Amir and Augusto. They are a duo in every sense, but attaching myself to them sets up the opportunity to at least CONSIDER voting out Scott next round. It would have to be between him and Scott.

All I got to say is oof… I genuinely thought I was on vacation after the last round like I’ve been SO bad about talking to people or at least that’s how I felt cause I was operating at 60% instead of the 110% I do when I socialize. That being said, I have my goals that I want to stick to and see happen. Dan needs to leave this tribal so I can get Jakey out next even if Dan leaving makes me really sad. Dan leaving takes a number away from the Brawn and a number away from Jakey, who I am able to get out by keeping Devon and having him/Kendall/myself/Amir vote for him if we happen to lose again. The alliance of me/Kendall/Amir/Jakey/Scott went on call last night and it was deadass an hour and a half long call where everyone was like “idk who should go but I’m fine with whatever” although… that certainly wasn’t the case. I, personally, made points that were pro-Devon such as Devon not having any clear allies to reunite with at merge and things like that and EVENTUALLY at the last 5 minutes of the call, we decided that Dan leaving is the better option. Scott and I even discussed a Brawn having to go before we even did the call so yeah. One thing I could tell though? Jakey was not having it. I understand his frustration but you can’t have your cake and eat it too. I voted out AJ to prove that I am not here to play by tribal lines and you said you would do the same but here we are… Amir called me last night telling me about how Jakey was trying to strong arm him into voting Devon out because Jakey didn’t want to do Dan… like sir, I’m? I’m very happy that Amir came to me and confided in me to kinda spill out his emotions like that makes me <3 but it also made me wanna pop off at Jakey because I don’t like those approaches in games hgfjdks even if I do really like Jakey, I was just ugh gjfdks. That aside, I feel like I am doing good about getting information and building friendships out here like I’m DEADASS is almost every single alliance on the tribes I’ve been a part of and while I don’t get tons of info from direct sources (ie. Jakey), I get the information from close allies (ie. Amir) which in a way can be even better? That being said, I’ve been way too good at forming friendships that every vote makes me feel really bad? With Dan for example, I adore that man like even if he isn’t the most talkative he’s just amazing. But does Dan benefit my game as much as Devon? Not really, even if Dan wanted to align. I’m sticking to my promise of doing what I have to do and be a little bit more cutthroat than I usually am because I do genuinely want to win this game and I’ll do what it takes to get there. Honestly, I’d be SHOOK if we do not merge next round or the round after ghfjdksm but I’m just trying to plan ahead and look at my connections. My Thoth connections are Amir > Kendall > Devon > Scott > Jakey whereas my Hathor connections are Autumn > Duncan > Adam (?) > TJ > Jordan > Liam M > Ali. If we do merge, making a secret thing with Autumn would be KEY just to have another person in my corner but also I need to connect with a Brawn to be good with them yknow? It’ll definitely be interesting and I can see the merge being messier than a taco bell bathroom BUT I’m hyped at the same time?

How is it already Day 16? There seems to be something seriously wrong with that. Anywho, I've let myself take a quick step back on the social game these last few days. I think I've put in the work to cement a couple strong groups here and can put myself in a good spot, but now I can avoid being the person that probably would be seen as a huge threat in the near future. Once merge hits (which I'm hoping is this next round), I'm going to have to go back to bringing that social game to a 9 (10 is where the Alyssa threat level begins), but right now I'm hopefully putting myself in a good place. In the event we don't have a merge and have one more vote on Hathor, I really think I need to make a move on Ali. I realize I keep saying this and I'm going to feel awful when he sees this all, but he is such a HUGE threat, and I can't let him skate by to where there's no room to stop him. I made that mistake last time in letting the person I knew would win get too far without me being able to stop them. Not this time. Ain't no fucking way.

This may very well be my last confessional lmao. I’m just feeling very paranoid about this vote and honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone votes for me except for Jakey. Or if he even flips to the majority against me. And honestly! I’ve come to terms with it. I really tried my best in the game and I can’t be mad about how I performed in this game specifically. I understand I’m a threat in these games and if people are worried about me end game, quite frankly they should be. I know that I’ve played Tumblr Survivor one too many times and should have quit while I was ahead. I know I’ve talked about working with Kendall and killing Devon, but honestly idk who is voting where. I think I’m going to try to just go with what I think is majority (against Kendall) and just hope to god I’m not going anywhere. I hate having this defeatist attitude, but if I get voted out I’m going to have zero hard feelings and take it in stride. I guess I’m just not cut out to win tumblr survivor ❤️

Our video was so iconic, SHOUT OUT TO ALYSSA'S MOM!!! I should really be making sure im fortifying the bonds i've made but im really just happy to be on break and not have tribal. I've only been to tribal once within a 7 day time span instead of the 4 times in 7 days the brains endured before. I will say i was positively shook to get the vote from connor, but i never thought i could play a perfect game anyways lol. I'm hoping to god that dan or jakey go, i dont want the brawns over here to have other options than autumn and i come merge. Im surprised at myself because im starting to really want to stick with all these people come a merge, i suppose we'll see how it goes and how my attitude changes moving forward.

Sooooooo I actually felt kind of bad about voting for Dan until he was throwing my name out :/ I guess you can't teach an old dog new tricks. I'm kind of nervous now. Like Jakey told me this and he did the same thing to AJ. Also I haven't heard anything from Scott yet... that's sketchy right? Ugh I swear if I'm voted out then Alyssa's mom, I will meet you in the Denny's Parking lot for a fight. I'm not afraid to throw hands at the elderly, ask Drew.

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We love when men listen to me an in turn we win immunity! This is now the second time that's happened lmao cause I sure did make everyone commit to a time block so we didn't play ourselves in the endurance challenge and I sure did suggest Telephone as the song choice so wooooo Not a lot has happened and I don't have a lot of time to talk to begin with but I have a strong feeling we are not merging tonight lmao. Tbh I look forward to another day on Hathor it's very chill over here, all things considered. Also I need a couple chill challenges the next two rounds cause ya girl is moving, graduating, and leading an underground movement all at the same time so don't set me up with a crazy time-consuming challenge lol

I feel vindicated. Starting off in this game, I was not doing so well gameplay wise. Flash forward, I've been a big contributor physically, and socially too! I've got big plans, and I will carry this tribe again if I have to!

(may've already submitted this but i'm worried i submitted it for day 18?)

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ok let me just start by saying: im in an emotionally FRAGILE state at the moment writing this right after the winners at war finale.....SPOILERS IF YOU HAVENT SEEN BUT I HAVE TO SAY IT....NATALIE AND WINCHELE ROBBED, as inspired as i am by my aries sistren natalie and think she should've won, im even more upset for my fellow beauty sister michele because lowkey? i absolutely LOVE the way michele plays, because in my own head at least i like to think i at least play slightly similar, i like to lay low and just adapt to where i see i can fit the best, anywho thats all ill say on that, back to THIS game dan being voted out last round, was kinda meh, i had the tiniest conversation with him during one world and he did end up giving me some tea about the brawns, but i couldve easily tried working with him later on against the beauties, PLUS him leaving means that none of those false beauties left, which is bad for me because i want them all gone oop and ive worked hard over here trying to make sure everyone knows they are threats even if theyre not working together, they went against me and lied to me, which means i cant trust them or work with them, which means i need to make sure no one else does either it's very nice though duncan has approached me and asked who i was comfortable with incase we did go to tribal and he said him and jordan pines were pretty close and honestly jordan is the only one ive been on a call with this whole game which is fine because anyone who knows me knows i dont care for calls much in this game and that usually hurts me so im hoping its not hurting me this time but truly, im not sure people are approaching me way more with information and plans then they ever have so im hoping thats a good sign, espcially with duncan saying he basically wanted me to be in the know with him, i think i can trust him as of now going foward and i hope the same about jordan pines, because first of all i love his energy and him as a person my fellow stoner crackhead, and second of all let's be real i definitely want to use him as a shield later on cmon the guy has a season named after him, forget denise being the queen slayer, i want to be the king tamer also in good with ali and autumn i think?? i personally enjoy my short little convos i have with them frequently so i just hope we're on the same page, but idk the little voice in the back of my head is telling me it all seems too good to be true almost like a perfect illusion and maybe duncan is tricking me trying to talk to me about "keeping this tribe strong", so i guess we'll have to wait until the next time we go to a tribal together to find out so yeah in conclusion, sorry to dan, and plot twist of the century im rooting for jakey to not be voted out the other tribe? even though im still convinced he could be making me his number 1 target especially if he gets in kahoots with kendall, but im hoping i played them against each other enough during the one world so that didnt happen

What do ya know....another tribal council. After only being exempt from one tribal, this has become somewhat of a routine. I am extremely confident in the numbers this round. I'm under the belief that everyone will be writing down Jake's name, and Jake will likely be writing down my/Kendall's name. Still, I believe there is a worry about idols. I would hate to be idoled out by Jake after everything I have worked towards...I can't afford to throw my vote on Kendall or Scott with the merge coming up so soon, because it fractures my game going into a potential merge...Somewhat of a "all or nothing" bet tonight.

Me @ the brawns who have been on this tribe: https://media.giphy.com/media/szPZ2NXIGCMcE/giphy.gif

So a couple new developments: 1. Jordan offered me a final two which I'm sooooo excited to see how that's going to turn out. I've really connected with Jordan this game (which admittedly I didn't think would happen before this game), but he's been the person I've confided in the most out here. So I really think this is going to be the start of something amazing. 2. With this F2 deal, Jordan told me that Amir/Jakey knew each other outside of this game. This is bad for me both because Jakey is supposed to be my other guy with Jordan, but also Amir is the person I'd want to target come merge (which should be next round). I have zero connection to him, he's proven to be good at comps, he's won this game before, and he doesn't add into my plan of having numbers on every side. So now I'm in a spot where I think I'll probably have to make a move against potentially my closest / other closest ally in this game. Being safe right before the potential merge feels amazing and opens a lot of opportunities, but is extremely scary knowing who is going to merge. Hopefully come to merge, I have a chance at the merge idol to avoid anyone else having the chance at getting it, because I need some added knowledge in this game.

I am so fucking pissed at Devon. WHY ARE YOU ON THE BRAINS IF YOU HAVE NO BRAIN CELLS!!!!!!! dsfjkaafkjdaldjfjadksjads Great now I get to die!

I don't know why Jakey wants to kill me. I am not a threat. Like at all? Most of the strategies I come up with are bad and I am barely social? Sure I guess I can win like a challenge or two but not enough to be physical? I mean I'm trying to kill him but like... honestly he started it 2 rounds ago. I am a paper tiger worse I am a paper giraffe. Sure I'm tall but basically harmless and only sort of evil. At least I remember why I hated him so much. I don't hate him NOW, I'm 22 years old I have better things to do then hate some guy for trying to win a game. But I am annoyed and inconvenienced by this. Maybe a little hurt too because the only reason I can think to get voted out is because my personality sucks so much that he doesn't see a future where we can work together. Which is fair I guess? But I can't be that awful right? God this game is a constant existential crisis... Also I think people are annoyed with me for being paranoid and shit. Oh I'm sorry people who's name isn't getting written down, I'm sorry I'm not more pleasant while I'm in fear for my metaphorical life.

It’s a MESS ITS A FUCKING MESS SCOTTIE WANTS DAN OUT DAN WANTS DEVON JAKEY WANTS DEVON DEFON WANTS DAN AUGUSTO AND KENDALL WANT JAKEY AMIR WANTS NOT JAKEY OR AUGUSTO OR KENDALL I literally don’t have number in this game and I’m going to get fucked on at the merge

Okay so Augusto basically told him that his name was an option for this vote or the next one and Kendall told him that the brawns are bringing up his name and said that he was the throw away vote So now my gut is telling me dan did it and jakey was in on it But I don’t care, if that’s the case Everyone on this tribe wants a brawn out, EVERYONE I just have to make sure it’s not jakey Because Augusto and Kendall want jakey now and I refuse it Rn it seems they r okay doing dan It seems everyone is cool doing dan So I’m happy with that

Jakey is fucking strong arming me r u joking Ndbdjdjsns Jakey talked to scottie And got scottie to want devon So now they’re gonna try and call the alliance tmmrw and change to vote back to devon over dan And if Augusto and Kendall don’t want to Jakey wants to pull brain and brawn to vote kendall like sir I’m literally getting strong armed, and he can’t see why people want dan out I could make a move rn But should I even I probably shouldn’t If they try to get kendall I will flip it on him

don’t know what to do I’m pleading so hard with jakey rn like hey it’s not good for me to go into merge with 6 brawn 4 beauty (dysfunctional) and 3 brain (dysfunctional) And I said I want to do dan is that okay like jakey u need to choose a side, brawns, or this tribe And he goes If u decide to do dan Then I’m gonna unite dan and Scott and Devon and vote kendall So if that’s the case, I’m sending u home theres no way around it then

Throw back to last night when I hung up on jakey to call Augusto and told jakey that I was taking a shower but literally I was gone for an hour and needed an excuse fast so I told him i shaved my ass call that strategic ass shaking

Okay so this tribal. Everyone on my tribe thinks jakey is evil and he’s just going to go back to the brawn tribe, which is like, wtf, he literally voted in minority on purpose and gave us leverage on him. Like he literally has put himself on the line multiple times. He ratted out the brawn majority over and over. Like jakey is not loyal to the brawns on the other side at all. The people on this tribe don’t give a shit and my opinion isn’t being heard at all, Kendall won’t budge and Augusto won’t budge, and Scott wants to keep devon. Can I just say scott is a rat, he is playing every single person. Jakey trusted him soooo much . Anyway, everyone wants jakey out for literallt no reason and jakey trusts me 100% and jakey is the best way to get info from the brawns on the other side. Anyway, KDJDKSN KDNDKD we are getting dirty. Jakey has an idol. And I told him he was the vote and I made it sound like it’s all Scott’s decision cuz I’m really tight with Kendall and Augusto, so now, jakey wants to idol out Scott Basically, it’s time for a cluster fuck and it’s time for chaos So at merge jakey and I will play from Opposite sides

so jakey fking tried to flip the vote and he blew up the 5 person alliance to devon and hes fucking up my game so much nkwejfnkew god maybe i will try and get him out at merge even tho i love him, i basically had to ccreate this narrative that jakey thinks that me jakey scott and devon are voting kendall but jakey is actually voting out scott jesus christ thi round gave me a migraine i have a case of the lie-abetes

I- there's nothing else to say hahaha the boys don't even talk game. So when I know something y'all will know something

People are paranoid as hell about a merge. What is there to be paranoid about, honestly? I've just tried to come into this game and have a good time and I think I've achieved that. No one is really looking at me as a threat right now, and there's still plenty of time left to play.

okay so i filmed a video confessional earlier which i will upload but adam just woke me up to the fact that we might be merging tonight?! which is so exciting and kinda crazy.... and the days line up with montenegro for us to be merging... at merge i think all my "laying low" can finally be for something and i can transition the bonds i've been making into making stuff happen. i've also been hosting a game during these quarantine times and i've realised people that do too much making SUCH deep bonds during the early stages become the people the jury is mad at in the endgame. i feel like im the middle ground, people feel close to me (and I would like to think I've come across as likable) without everyone thinking im their soul sister closest ally. at merge i think my "close" people who i can somewhat rely on are: autumn, jake, dan(?), jordan(?) and adam? like i have a core of people with various connections, which gives me some cover. its just about then feeling out the rest and seeing who i can trust amongst the rest... particularly the unknowns of augusto/kendall/scott/amir (assuming they are all at merge). like that is going to be the most important part of the merge stage for me, is figuring out which of them i can trust (and i do think dan and/or jake's opinions can help with this, because brainstorming with autumn helped me figuring out this hathor swap tribe).

i'm excited for merge... i do think i have early juror written all over me but i am also very excited. its time to emerge from the shadows and stumble my way into the light

live fast die young merge boots do it well. i literally am a clown, i got excited by my guess going so well and now i literally am a target the size of the sun exclusively because of my own actions what was i thinking KJASDFA honestly at this point? i embrace it, i push the 'im a shield' narrative and i trot on my little trotters to being mayor of ponderosa. this season i chopped of my own head so will not be the winner and the king, but hopefully i can be a kingmaker? also if me winning the tiebreak sends jake home i literally will be so unspeakably frustrated with myself i will literally... scream. HE PROBS HATES ME. i'm praying he lives i will feel so bad if he doesnt KLASDF

i literally... can not believe i am so stupid my lack of braincells really boggles my mind

So I was really hoping that we would win this challenge today because I like everyone on this tribe. But of course with my luck in this game, we lose AGAIN. And it's a shame because I like the Thots Alliance and i feel bad voting out Devon. I know he's someone who trusts me and although I don't 100% trust him, I know that he's someone I can depend on. Plus he makes a really good goat at the end, so it'll make winning more of an obstacle for me without him there. To my surprise however, Kendall and Augusto approach me with the idea of voting out Jakey. I really like Jakey and I practically see him as my #1 here, so voting him out would be difficult for me to do as well. We've discussed the idol together, he gave me his CBS all access account info to watch the finale, and hes one of the very few smart people in this game. So on a personal level, this is a hard decision to make. However, from a game perspective, it might be the right call. Jakey's setting himself up to be a swing vote at the merge, and the fact that he campaigned for Dan to stay and was adamant on not voting him out shows that. When it comes to Devon and I, I would prefer to not vote Devon out but if I needed to in order to show that I trust an alliance moving forward I would. So the fact that Jakey doesn't see it like that is alarming to me. In addition to that, I know that Jakey has lied to me multiple times in this game. He purposefully gave me the wrong idol clue for one of the matches, and when I called him out on it he bluffed it up. On top of that, I know for a fact that he voted for Kendall during the AJ vote. And the fact that he's trying to play it off on Devon goes to show the lengths he would go to make sure he controls everything. And on top of that, he wants us all to tell Devon straight up that he's going. Like... did he not learn from my story when I tried to do that? It can't happen. From a game perspective, voting out Jakey is the more logical choice to make. He can navigate better in a group of people and is aware of whats going on. Devon on the other hand, doesn't even know where the idol is or how to look for it. Devon is someone who you can take into a merge and know what he's going to do. Jakey is more unpredictable. And I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to rally up troops to blindside me when that time came. From a personal perspective, I prefer that Devon goes just because of the lack of trust between us and the fact that I don't ever see myself fully trusting him. Sadly I have to lose this battle in order to win the war at the end. So I'm going to vote Jakey out tonight and really hope that it doesn't come to bite me in the but or that he doesn't play his idol (i know he has one, its obvious with how paranoid he's been)

Guess I’m gonna cry because we lost… by a tiebreaker… it was sad. I feel especially awful because had I not made the mistake of repeating a name on my list during my 8th guess, we could’ve very well have won… but no one needs to know that! It just blows because going into a potential merge in a 7-5 scenario is NOT it. Plus like, their only vote was a unanimous vote for Connor which like… love Connor, but a rock could vote Connor out. I wanted to see tension, I wanted to see idols played, I wanted to see hands thrown, I wanted to see lines drawn, and I wanted to see messiness but all I ended up seeing? Disappointment. I hate it here deadass (‘:

Aside from being kinda sad we lost, I do feel super secure. Last round, I wanted Dan to leave to get rid of Brawn numbers and have the best chance to get Jakey out and now I have that! I know Amir is on the fence but I know Kendall and Devon would be all for it (Scott is as well, but I didn’t really know how much he’d be about it until this round) so it needs to happen. While I adore Jakey as a person and we’ve connected a lot, our strategic games don’t align at all since he doesn’t tell me much of anything? Most of his info goes to Amir or Scott and I’m being selfish here but I want all the tea (‘: plus him playing double agent with the Brawns at merge is not what I need if we’re going into the merge with not enough numbers. Not only that but Adam is a wildcard in terms of if he’ll work with me or not but Jakey being there with us makes it so Adam wouldn’t want to so there’s that. Girl… i sound like a whole ass gamebot wtf ghfdjnms

It’s so weird like I am extremely proud of the game I am playing but I still feel inadequate as a player? I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others because I’m ME but my two closest allies (Kendall, Amir) are playing so much better? Amir is able to get all the tea in the world and form those important game connections which I don’t feel like I can yknow? With Kendall, she is just so bold (and beautiful) with her gameplay in a way I could never like she doesn’t mind being the secondary target, she talks to everyone and talks game with everyone, and stuff like that. So in a way, I’m probably not a major threat to people because those two icons are here BUT I also don’t know if that’ll make me seen like a non-factor… that’s just how I feel going into merge and it’s kinda mehhh idk ;-;

MERGE IS COMING. TOnight actually, people are speculating, but im the only one with the certainty that its tonight and im feeling wonderful. I think if I play my cards right Im gonna have a lot of options come merge. God pending Kendall does not die tonight (hopefully her beauties keep her alive) im gonna suggest we secret pair beware this shit and tsart working from opposite sides to keep each other safe. That will allow me to pick of people Im not working with, while hopefully ensure that people im not with who are with her will be detered from targeting me. Thats my plan but who knows what the true dynamics of merge will be. Ive been playing quiet so far but im about to become the star of teh show, my ego just cant take it.

i really feel like by getting a five i got jake voted out and i want to scream i literally am gonna be out for blood if he goes

youtube

#BackWithVengeance

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someraesofsun · 7 years ago

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so uh i’m not one to like... do follow forevers but because i reached 1k and i gotta celebrate somehow, i decided to at the very least tag a few people i feel especially close to right now in these trying times yipee

uh so s/o

@just-a-fandom-mess is one of the best friends u could ever ask for and honestly i’m hashtag blessed to have june in my life

@insurrectionistsharkface has forced me to learn how to spell insurrectionist bc i need to tag that goddamn url a lot but hey tex is gr8 u wanna follow greatness follow tex

@agxntmaine I hate John idk why he’s even here. (just kidding John is a gift to the world the fuccin homestcuk) John helps me smile. one of the funniest people i have ever met and gay as shit so u kno you can trust them

@trevor-collins straight up the best friend you could ever have and a real ride or die kinda person. David is the greatest i kno i keep saying that about everyone but they’re all the greatest

@habitmademedoit has one of the best michael cosplays ever as well as the best rubys and also they’re super sweet and every day i am reminded by them that I am not s traight

@the-problematic-blender we talk almost never but he always comes in clutch with kind words or something that will cheer me up and as i navigate the moodiness and the depression that’s really something that’s vital to haveeven small doses like that

@micooll they’re really just a gift... like not lying this is one of THE favorite blogs of mine and i feel completely honored that we’re even mutuals uh why are u following this TR ASH

@madqueenmogar ok but hailey is incredibly kind and talented and i’m always in awe of how amazing she is jsyk. There’s just something real great about her.

Everyone I missed: especially in the discords I’ve been in and the one im running. you really all are something else. i am blessed to have so many mutuals who are nice and support me, that i can’t even keep up with yall. this has been... one of the worst months of my life. honestly. but you’re all there rallying me on and i think thats super important that you all know that even if i missed you on this list, i love you and i appreciate you

my fuckin..... conclusion here is that i really have gotten this big ol support net of just not these guys but so many other people i can’t include c this list is getting so long and i’d be here for hours typing it up if i stayed. there’s 1000 of y’all now and i’m real grateful for that. even if we don’t talk and even if we aren’t mutuals, you’re all awesome and wonderful and I know I post a lot of depressing hopeless shit and I might sound ungrateful when i do that but i want y’all to know that even tho i do get down and out a lot, i have so many people in my corner. after months of feeling like there was no one back there, that’s real fuckin special to have. and if anything is keeping me going, it’s you guys. it really is.

i wish i could show you all how important yall are to me.

anyway this got gay enough as it is and tex requested rarepairs in the ask so time to stop bein so Queer anfd time to start WRITING SOME BULLSHIT YIPEE

#gay moment #real gay moment

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muypersonalblog · 5 years ago

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imagine you’re you and you’re smart you’re talented you’re the end all be all you’re infamous for your intelligence because that’s all the matters in this school and you’ve sat with the same people for years and you’ve all laughed together but you know deep down none of y’all like each other and you only stick together because of yalls mutal suffering but y’all aren’t even friends these people are your competition but you have no other options of people to talk to and you push yourself you drive your self to the limit everyday because you have to be the best you have to be the best you’re 2 classes ahead by the time you get to highschool and you’re in a bigger fish bowl but it’s a fish bowl nonetheless and you’re suffering more with more people friendlier people maybe you can make a friend maybe you can (escape this) and you’re trying hard you’re trying hard you’re doing well you’re doing (well?) your best friend leaves but maybe she wasn’t your best friend at all and so you push on you push on you push on suffering everyday for the A on the test, the top grade of the class a 4.0 GPA so you can leave everything behind and look at the stars like you’ve always wanted to and study them and see how they move because they’re so beautiful (and so far from this) and everything stops for a second when a girl you barely know pulls you out of the robotics lab (you like it (? Suffer for Yale)) and she tells you she likes you and you don’t know her you don’t know her at all but you don’t know what to do so you lie and you smile and you say I do too and she runs down the hallway jumping for how before running back and kissing you on the cheek and you’ve dug yourself a pit and oh no it’s that guy that asshole who won’t leave you alone well she’s a scapegoat we’re dating leave me alone you lie and she looks at you and asks if y’all are and you nod (why did you nod) but you’re a girl you can’t tell your mom she’ll kill you she already suffocates you for that A that A do better you can do better be better (SUFFER MORE FOR ME) and she’s crazy you went too far so you sit and you wait for her to get tired you wait for her to get tired (but waiting is tiring because you have to think about getting that A and dealing with Him, and trying to breath when you’re home, trying to leave this planet and escape into the stars and your drawings (that you show no one) [she loves them] and months go by months go by she won’t leave (why won’t she leave you’re obviously not interested) and so you wait and you wait and you don’t do anything but she still chases you around and forces you to be affectionate (you ask her to tone it down and she obliges, ever oblivious ever obedient [ever OBSESSED] ) she puts you on a pedestal (like everyone does) and it makes you uncomfortable but you don’t want to be the asshole (she’s crazy she’s crazy) so you wait and you wait crushing yourself burying yourself more and more in paperwork (school work, home work, you work, do you exist outside of these realms?) and she wants to go on a date and you oblige and she’s silly she’s stupid she makes a mess of herself with frozen yogurt (after y’all saw a movie) and you laugh and it’s nice [she thinks you’re so pretty, she likes you, she thinks] (but was it nice you’re lying to her you’re lying to her) the summer passes and you’re working and working there’s no rest everything requires 110 you have to get there you have to get there you have to be the best (you’re falling apart) and it’s junior year you have to pay attention (more so now, this is the most important year (YALE) they will all be watching) and you’re pressing you’re pushing you’re going hard (she won’t leave you alone nothing is god you’re surrounded you’re surrounded) you’ve found a friend you’ve finally found a friend (a real one oh god a real one) and 2 months in she (?) breaks it off and she’s fine(?) no she’s not she’s livid I have to make this right I have to be (NICE) and you wait for her to stop being sour

But she’s back to the crazy she’s back to the obsessed (you told her to stop, you told her that she’s crazy and she was angry she didn’t hear anything she made excuses what kind of insanity) she’s starting to be bitter but you can’t think about that right now (you don’t want to) there’s the overlooming (THREAT) (DOOM) you have to be perfect you have to get the best grades all your friends hate you (you hate them right back you were nice why are they like this) and so you suffer and grind and scream and cry (on the inside on the inside no one can see) and you’re falling apart so fast and now you’re dating your best (friend) and this is not how you wanted it to be it’s suffering (do you like him?) [she doesn’t want to know she’s angry she’s been cut out she’s hurt so Shes pretending it’s okay and not paying attention] you go and you’re working hard you get good scores on the (ALL IMPORTANT) exams (nothing less than the best nothing less than the best SUFFER FOR IT SUFFER FOR IT) and you’re at Yale oh god it’s summer so you can’t rest but you’re at Yale oh god this is a dream (?is IT?) it’s all going great you’ve made friends (people who like you for you oh god no one has seen me in so long) he’s angry he thinks you’re cheating on him (distance is a cold hard bitch) with your friend (a real one) or with her (why her I don’t want to be near her what a sad case what a sob story I don’t want to deal with her anymore) you break up with him (at senior orientation) [she hears about it, she agrees that you were the asshole there, how could you do that?] (you tell her your relationship taught you not to lie to people, she says that that’s good [she thinks it’s should’ve been obvious] (you’re still lying to her everytime she asks if you care about her though) ) she reports in he’s angry and your friends have turned even further on you your alone your alone (you have a boyfriend, no one knows about him) everything is so much worse oh god it’s all a nightmare she tells a teacher you’re not okay and you talk to her [she thinks you do, she’s so worried she’s so concerned, she loves you] (WHY DOES SHE STILL LOVE YOU) everything is going down hill there’s no Yale you don’t make it this is the worst thing you’re destroyed you have real friends (a teacher, another teacher, a good kind person, and someone who seems nice) [she thinks she’s iffy, she isn’t a big fan of her, she’s jealous why do you love them why do you talk to them why do you smile at them why do YOU LIKE THEM IVE BEEN HERE FOR LONGER IM ANGRY IM ANGRY] (oh god she’s angry) her grandpa dies she tries to kill her self (Again and she messaged you the whole time you can’t take it you tell someone else so they can deal with it instead) and everything is dying down nothing turned out how you want it you’re starting to (pity her more) (have a mild positive feeling towards her) you try to comfort her (she’s really angry) [shes BITTER she despises you and its come to now that you like her? she still loves you she still depends on you you’re the only one she has <her friends all tell her you don’t care about her as much as she does you and she knows she’s known the whole time but she persisted then and now> she gives you her feelings and get angrier] it’s all winding down you’re so close to the finish line it’s almost it you’ve almost escaped this hell hole and she leaves you a note (she’s ending it thank god) you go to talk to her about it (she runs away) [she regrets this and she wishes she had heard you out] (probably would have told her what you tell her almost a year later) and it’s pep rally going to (not Yale) it’s graduation (no prom, you never liked dances) [she wonders if you remembered her birthday, as she prances around the prom dance floor as the DJ announces it’s May 20th] and you take that diploma you’re not valedictorian (or salutatorian) but you cross that stage you take that paper [she does the same and she hates this day] she hugs you and tell you she’ll miss you (WHY WHY WHY WHY) and you tell her it doesn’t have to end (W H Y D I D Y O U L I E)

she got lipstick on your NHS collar (you don’t care it’s over) and it’s summer no rest I guess and she messages you on and off and you’re at Penn State (pretty good but not ya*le) and she’s still talking to you (why won’t she leave you alone) and you’re trying to figure everything out you’re the physics girl the star girl why are you failing your physics class this is who you are why isn’t this working why isn’t this working this is who I am and I can’t function anymore (she tries to kill herself again and she messages you again and you give the same reason you always do) you continue on in something else [she never hears what it is but she’s pretty sure it’s a humanities study] and she calls you the next year in the early spring (her phone dies thank god you don’t want to see her face) and she wants to talk she’s angry at you (not a shocker, did she finally take you off that pedestal?) and you tell her the truth [the jaw dropping bombshell truth that she still think about everytime you’re brought up] , that you never really loved or even cared for her until near the end near the end when she was angry and bitter and you say good bye for ever and ever and ever (she told you she still loves you and you cringe) (if she tries to talk to you again you don’t acknowledge it) and you move on because you never want to have to face anyone from that building again anyone from that school again you’re traumatized and you don’t want to think about any of it anymore it’s onto the future for you

[shes stuck there forever]

#navy skies #the whole story

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vitalmindandbody · 7 years ago

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White man pathology: within the fandom of Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump

Stephen Marche goes on a superhighway expedition and enters the fray at back-to-back Iowa conventions and gets a view of US politics from the perspective of his whiteness

The perimeter

You find your whiteness properly at the American perimeter. Most of the time being white is an absence of troubles. The police dont disturb you so you dont notice the police not riling you. You get the job so you dont notice not getting it. Your children are not confused with crooks. I live in downtown Toronto, in one of the most liberal neighborhoods in one of the most open metropolis in “the worlds”, where multiculturalism is the dominant civic importance and the inert virtue of endurance is the most prominent endowment of the British territory, so if you squint you are able to profess the ancient categories are scattering into a cloud of enlightenment and intermarriage.

Not at the border.

My sons Guyanese-Canadian teacher and the Muslim Milton scholar I went to high school with and the Sikh writer I squabble about Harold Innis with and my Ishmaeli accountant, we can all be good little Torontonians of the middle class, avoiding the differences we have been trained to respect. But in a auto in the carbon monoxide-infused queue waiting to enter Detroit, their beings diverge drastically from mine.

I am lily-white. They are not. They are susceptible. I am not.

Heres the thing: I like the guards at the American margin. Theyre always friendly with me, decent, even pleasant firm. At the booth in between the never-was of Windsor and the has-been of Detroit, the man I happened to draw had a gruff belly and the mysterious air of intentional inscrutability, like a troll under a connection in a fairy tale.

Where are you pate? he asked.

Burlington, Iowa.

Why would anyone ever choose to go to Burlington, Iowa? he requested philosophically.

Im going to see Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders. Then, because it did seem to require an explanation: Theyre handing rallies within got a couple of dates of each other.

Why would anyone ever choose to go hear Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders?

I didnt argue, because it was the border, but I could have said that the police chief of Birmingham estimated that 30,000 beings evidenced up in Alabama to see Donald Trump in August and that in Dallas, he had replenished the American Airlines Center, and that his equivalent, Bernie Sanders, has generated equally unprecedented quantities enormously more than Barack Obama outlined at comparable instants in the 2008 campaign.

Im strange, I said instead.

At this detail he asked me to roll down my opening. But it was all fine. Like I replied, Im white.

As I drove through the suburbs of the spoils of Detroit, across the I-9 4, one of the ugliest freeways in the United States, the old-fashioned familiar lightness fluttered to my mettle. I enjoy America. America is not my mother. Canada is my mother. But America is an unbelievably splendid, amazingly sugared rich maid who lives next door and believe that there is falling apart. I cannot help myself from loving it.

For people who love to dwell in contradictions, the US is the greatest country in “the worlds”: the country of the free is built around bondage, the member states of law and order where everyone is entitled to a gun, a region of unimpeded advance where they cling to backwardness out of sheer stubbornness. And into this glorious morass, a new inconsistency has recently announced itself: The white people, the privileged Americans, the ones who had the least to fear from the powers that be, the ones with the most wonderful directions to brighter futures, the ones who are by every metric one of “the worlds largest” lucky groups in the history of “the worlds”, has begun to croaking off in stunning numbers.

The Case and Deaton report, Rising Morbidity and Mortality in Midlife among White Non-Hispanic Americans in the 21 st Century, describes an ever increasing death rate for middle-aged American lily-whites comparable to lives lost in the US Aids epidemic. This spike in mortality is unique to white Americans not find work amongst other ethnic groups in the United States or any other white population in the developed world, a mysterious blight of despair.

In one style, it was easy to account for all this white American fatality medication and alcohol poisoning, suicide, and chronic liver illness and cirrhosis according to the report. It was not so easy be held accountable for the accounting. Why were middle-aged white-hot Americans boozing and medication and shooting themselves to death? The explanations on offer were pre-prepared, fully plugged into confirmation bias: “its been” their own economies or it was demography or “its been” godlessness or it was belief or it was the outage of their own families or it was the persistence of antique qualities or it was the lack of social programs or it was the dependence on social programs.

Case and Deaton call it an epidemic of hurting. Fine. What does that signify?

On the I-9 4, you do find yourself questioning: what the fuck is wrong with these beings? I symbolize, aside from the speedy slump of the middle class certainly. And the rise of precarious run and the fact that the basic way of life requires so much sedation that nearly a quarter of all Americans are on psychiatric drugs, and somewhere between 26.4 and 36 million Americans mistreat opioids every day. Oh yes, and the mass shootings. There was more than one mass hitting a period. And the grey terrorists targeting black churches again. And the regularly exhausted videos evidencing the police assassinating black people. And the police in question never being indicted, let alone being sent to jail.

And you know what Americans were worried about while all this shit was raining down on them? While all this insanity was wounding their beloved country? You know what their number one perturb was, according to referendum after poll after referendum?

Muslims. Muslims, if you can believe it.

The American fantasy is dead but Im going to make it stronger!

My body is white and it is male. It is six hoof towering and weighs 190 lbs. It is 39 years old and it has had to start flowing. It has had to start weighing calories. There is a tingle in the joint of my right thigh, so I try not to think about my torso. The tingling emanates and moves. I know my person is going to kill me.

A man who horror suffering already sustain what he fears, as Montaigne mentioned. Thats one on why males expire very young than dames six years younger on average in America. Ninety-two percent of men say they wait at least a few dates to see if they feel better before they go to a medical doctor, but I know what they mean by a few days. They represent a few more dates that forms sense. It is hard to have a male and lily-white torso and to conceive of its weakness. In the same sigh, my mas cannot accompanying itself to believe it is the personification of power, although it was undoubtedly is in any rational accountancy of social status. It feels like a mere body. It experiences mortal.

Ive never been to a residence as white-hot as Iowa. Thats the honest truth. Picture: Darren McCollester/ Getty Images

Ive never been to a place as white-hot as Iowa. Thats the honest truth. Whenever I go to America its New York or Chicago or Los Angeles or Florida. In Burlington, at Jerrys Main Lunch, the signature dish is the red-hot mess, eggs and bacon cooked right into the hash chocolate-browns. The carbohydrate shakers all have white crackers in them, to prevent clumping a classic bit of common-sense American know-how. The hot mess is yummy. Why dont they construct these everywhere? Why isnt there a series of Jerrys Main Lunches providing hot mess all across the midwest?

The answer is in the rest of the town: everything thats going to leave have so far been left Burlington. The beautiful brick houses downtown are mainly vacant. The most interesting street is the road out of town.

The Memorial Arena, on the banks of the Mississippi, filled up early. Trump wasnt communicating until 6pm but by 4.45 the parking situation was gruesome. Outside the building, the hawkers who follow Trump on the road, occurrence to contest, sold T-shirts and buttons, three for $10. We shall overcomb. Cats for Trump, the time is Meow. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.

Inside, every fanny had been taken and the storey filled soon with a standing room only bunch. Burlington is 10% pitch-black. The rallying was 99.99% white.

The people who attend political rallies in America are a specific genre of humanity, like the ones who stand outside in lines for nightclubs. They know where theyre supposed to go and how theyre supposed to behave when they got to get. They have gear.

An elderly dame sat beside me wearing a sequined stars-and-stripes-hat she clearly takes out for precisely these parties. Yall from Illinois? she questioned. Im not but I can extend. She goes to all the rallyings, she justified. Shes been a Republican her whole life, an active Republican, an Iowa Republican. For 30 years, shes been in crowds like this one. She plans to go, one time in their own lives, to the national gathering. Like going to see the Stones. When the organizers delivered around mitt signeds speaking The Silent Majority, she grabbed a dozen so she could overtake them around to others.

Cheerful helpful maidens were half the crowd. Furious and absurd followers were the other. They wore T-shirts with whole paragraph written on them: I am a United States Armed Veteran. I formerly took a SOLEMN OATH to represent the CONSTITUTION against ALL enemies, foreign and Domestic. Be advised No one has ever allayed me of my functions under this Expletive!

There were cars in the parking lot slathered with bumper stickers. We the peoples of the territories are 100% FED UP! So if firearms kills people, I guess pencils miss incantation statements[ sic ], automobiles drive drink and spoonfuls see beings fat. Im straight, republican, Christian, and I own a handgun. Is there anything else I can do to piss you off? A picture of Obama with Does this ass stir my gondola look big? The Republican mode for 2016 is furious aphoristic feeling. Behind slapstick, nonsensical storm: America is the greatest country in the world but America is falling apart, government is the problem which is why authority must solve it.

This was a Trump production so naturally there was a VIP section. A door guarded by bald, unsmiling mortals, the bouncers who stand forever as the bored sentinels of indifferent fame. A swinging door at the side of the stage received and gave the best-looking parties, the ones with the buffed neutrality of political professionals, the women whose faces have been tautened to a perma mope, the men who get their whisker slash before every event.

The woman beside me Stars n Stripes Hat was wearing a pewter elephant pendant. A young girl in a shining orange dress passed out of the VIP entrance wearing an elephant pendant encrusted with diamonds. Elephant chandeliers were a theme, I noticed, and elephant pins and elephant sounds and elephant T-shirts. They came in all different rate objects and in all different styles: round elephants suggestive of French cartoons from the 1960 s, and strange pseudo-sexual shimmies, and with 1920 s straw boater hats conducting processions. There was one kind of elephant you couldnt meet. An elephant that actually looked like an elephant. A realistic elephant might serve as a memento to the hundred elephants killed for their bone every day. A naturalistic elephant would be inherently environmentalist. The elephants must all be fabulous.

Like any good show, there was a warm-up behave. In reality, there are two three if you count the recitation of the assurance of devotion. The first was Tana Goertz, an Iowa woman who had been runner-up on the third season of The Apprentice. What a good-looking army, she pandered. She attested for Trump as a woman( He enjoys girls !) and as someone who had returned to Iowa( How could you live in New York City if you didnt desire parties ?). She promoted the idea which is at the core of every last event that Trump does, that simple contact with the man draws boom. When youre in the Trump train youre going places! She marched off to polite Iowan applause. The mob are more likely to, all things considered, instead have listened to the Elton John music playing on the speakers instead, but at the least she made international efforts.

A more standard promotion follower followed. Sam Clovis hosts a conservative radio substantiate and is a tea-party activist who has operated and lost a bunch of Iowa Republican postures. He precisely started right in with it. Trump was one of the greatest servicemen to ever tread the look of this earth, a good front the crowd could have tittered but instead they saluted, thus proving that “theyre not” paying attention or would immerse anything. Clovis compared Trumps recent speeches to Reagans A Time for Choosing at the Goldwater convention in 1964, which must have been, to his way of thinking regardless, roughly like equating it to the Sermon on the Mount.

Clovis knew what the crowd had come to hear and he gave it to them. America and Americans will be first again! A collective shriek shook the Burlington Memorial Arena. They so badly wanted to be first again. First in what was unclear but emphatically first.

After the thunder croaked, the crowd was ready for Trump. But, showmanship. Trump let the tension build; the indignant absurd men as well as the joyou, helpful ladies called. Trump! Trump! Trump! I could just suspect the amusement the softened din of his chanted appoint, from backstage, must have been bringing “the mens”.

When he ultimately took the stage, the crowd surged; their phones surged. It was an debauchery of phones. The humanities behind Trump examined the crowd with their phones. The cameras in the back were recording everyone preserving each other. Trump was the only party not hampering a screen, the absence that raised hunger. He started roaring, as everybody in the crowd stopped to check the footage they had assembled.

Trump started out with the time he knew would appear on the report the next morning Joe Biden had put out of the hasten and Trump approved of his decision because Biden never had a chance and Trump wanted to face Hillary. The mainstream media adroitly handled, Trump embarked his disquisition on the subject dearest to his mettle: his own success.

The Burlington rally labelled the 100 th period he had contribute the canvas. He spoke the polls, canvas after canvas. He paused only to ask the crowd how enormous the polls were. Beating Hillary nationwide do you desire that? The audience approved of his approval numbers. And so he moved on to the more qualitative aspects of his greatness. His adversaries precisely werent wins. I pronounce from the intelligence but I likewise pronounce from the heart, he spoke, rambling like a rich know-it-all uncle Im producing back the jobs from China! with brief digressions into self-pity: Macys was very disloyal to me. They dont sell my ties anymore.

He described, in twists periodically frank and self-deluded, the greatnes of his own capability for political manipulation. He talked to the people “hes been” spinning about how cleverly he was rotating them. So he affirmed Im a good Christian and that if he became chairperson were going to be remarking merry Christmas, but then he couldnt stop himself from recognise the cleverness of his Christian electioneering: I stepped onto a stagecoach with a bible, everybody likes me better. Trump introduced meta to Burlington, Iowa. And he did not disavow the crowd that preference of personality they wanted. What would he say to Caroline Kennedy, the ambassador to Japan? Youre fired! Youre fired!

A few spectators started to move out to beat trafficking in human beings and Trump shouted about the silent majority and about how he says what nobody else dares to suppose and about how he will end free trade and how Mexicans are car thieves( big shriek) and how he craves a piece of the action from the Keystone pipeline and how hes going to help womens health and how America used to be emulated. The American Dream is dead but Im going to make it bigger and stronger! he hollered. At this moment he appeared to me the route every fame I have met in the flesh does, like a living idolatrou idol awaiting sacrifice, a puff-faced Baal. Were going to acquire so much better, he predicted before leaving the stage to Twisted Sisters Were Not Disappearing to Take It.

Trump followers at the Veterans Memorial Building in Cedar Rapids. Photograph: Scott Morgan/ Reuters

I remained to watch Trump work the line. Up open, in person, the fuzz is still much intricate than it appears on screen. Its building is tripartite, great significance polyvalent. First and foremost, there is the comb-over, although it can be called a comb-over simply in the sense that the mall in Dubai with a ski mound inside it can be called a structure. It is hair as state-of-the-art engineering stunt, with the diaphanous quality of a cloak out of Norse legend or some supernatural near-weightless metal are set out in an advanced German laboratory. It swims over the skull, an deed of disregard not only against aging and loss but against duration and seat, against reality.

Behind the technological presentation of the comb-over, as counterpoint, the back is as conventional and old-fashioned as a haircut is also possible. Its a classic ducktail. Its such a classic that I have just been construed it in movies set in the 1950 s. Not movies from the 1950 s I should be clear, but movies from the 1970 s about the 1950 s. In between the comb-over and the ducktail, between the two follicular cavities representing the modernistic and the atavistic, the fantastical and the wistful, there is a third tranche. Even in person you have to look closely to catch sight of it. It projection, somewhat but only slightly. It is the real the members of the fuzz, the human role, the actual mane. It is the hinge of Donald Trump.

As Trumps campaign for the Republican nomination has unfolded, in all its unlikeliness, he has shaken handwritings with hundreds of thousands of Americans, and posed with numerous thousands for hundreds of thousands of selfies. And among those many thousands , not one has reached up to mess up his whisker. Though he regularly raises up the physical figures of his antagonist , nothing of the other campaigners even mention the fact that he seems foolish. Trumps hair is an act of defiant social pre-emption: announce me a phony. I dare you. I fucking dare you.

A few hardcore followers lingered on the fringes, just like at a concerted effort. Everybody else had floated into the parking lot and the cities middle of Burlington was soon returned to its emptiness. A Trump show is good value for the money, specially since its free. They dont even ask for donations.

The thought from Fun City

The morning after the rally, it has become clear that Iowa may be the bramble in Trumps path. A gossip over an wayward tweet has cloudburst.

He accuses the offense on a young intern. But the eight-point rise of Carson must be galling. Trump possesses the weakness of anyone who lives by the strength of their results. Ensues go. When the results are down , where are you? Who are you? Trump is in the business of acquiring. Does Trump losing even subsist?

I had a daytime between Trump and Sanders, and all I had to read was a pdf of Ta-Nehisi Coatess Between the World and Me, which I had agreed to look at for a book of the month team. After another hot mess at Jerrys Main Lunch, and a run to blaze it off, I invested a era at the Motel 8 in Burlington reading, while across the street, the Winegard factory, manufacturing satellite dishes 24 hours a day, thudded like a center without syncopation. Did you know you can buy a six carry of brew and a bottle of bourbon for precisely a little over 20 bucks in Iowa? What a big country.

The title of Between the World and Me comes from a Richard Wright poem called White Man, Listen ! and it was never going to get much whiter or more male than me in the Motel 8 sipping bourbon and brew, on my iPhone, with the Jays and Royals spotlights flickering in the background and the thud of the satellite dish factory in the background.

The urgency of the book, the vitality of the historic resource at play, rose like brandishes into crests of temper tumbling over their own force. It was all of a piece. And it all made extremely relentless sense. Between the World and Me is one of those notebooks that possess the strong certainty of a natural phenomenon as if it accrued out of the ether that surrounds us, a crystalline organisation of the scandalize that defines the moment. To criticize is beside the point. Its only there.

To me, the key section in Between the World and Me, originates after Coates has been on television justifying to the multitude the frantic consequences of yet another police assassination of a pitch-black son.

I came out of the studio and strolled for a while. It was a calm December day. Class, feeling themselves lily-white, were out on the street. Infants, invoked to be lily-white, were wrap in strollers. And I was happy for these parties, much as I was heartbreaking for the emcee and sad for all the people out there watching and reveling in a specious hope. I realized so why I was sad. When the journalist asked me about my mas, it was like she was asking me to awaken her from the most sumptuous reverie. I have seen that dreaming all my life. It is perfect homes with nice lawns. It is Memorial Day cookouts, blocking associations, and driveways. The Dream is treehouses and the Cub Scouts. The Dream smells like peppermint but preferences like strawberry shortcake.

Right then, speaking that aisle, I knew that white people were going to cherish this volume. What white people implore more, they require it, they require it to live is an alibi from their whiteness, an flee from the unfairnes of their existence. There are numerous alibis available depending on how much idiocy you can tolerate. You can say to yourself or to others that black people are stupid and lazy; you can say that you dont experience pigment; you can call your uncle a prejudiced so everybody knows youre not; you can share the latest critique of brutality on Twitter with the word THIS; and now you can tell a pal that she certainly has to read Between the World and Me.

Because that Dream of Whiteness, the dream of treehouses and rookie scouts that smells like peppermint and can still smell the strawberry shortcake, is a perfect alibi. Who lives that dreaming? Somebody else are now living it but not me , not anyone I know , no one I could see in Burlington. Thats a dream that belongs to somebody else. Always to somebody else.

It certainly didnt belong to the Winegard factory workers who were drifting to their autoes at the end of their change. The whiteness of my macrocosm was my iPhone and the vapours of bourbon and beer, and video games from last-place night and the tingling in my thigh. The tickling in my thigh was my mas the reality I cant look at because Im too afraid of my fatality.

To me, best available doubt ever asked about race in America has always been the one that James Baldwin questioned, when an interviewer wanted to know if he was optimistic or pessimistic about the future of America. What white people have to do is is an attempt catch out in their own centers why it was necessary to have a nigger in the first place, he enunciated. If you invented him, you, the white people devised him, then youve got to find out why. And the future of the country depends on that. The obsession of eggheads over issues of Malcolm X or Martin Luther King, Jr active or passive resistance was moot; the pressing question was why white people were blowing up churches filled with children.

Whiteness is a spiritual aberration, obviously by the return ye shall know the tree. And on the question of lily-white pathology, what good reactions has America induced since Baldwin would like to request that topic in 1963? And now that white-hot pathology has returned to waste away its legion, unexamined and strange, a golem.

In the evening, I finished the book and didnt want to think about my white-hot and male mas anymore, or the tickling in my thigh.

Across from my hotel, the Fun City complex contained an resemblance midway, a bowling alley, got a couple of bars, a replication diner and, tucked in between a inn and a spa, the Catfish Bend Casino. The poker chamber is dingy but serviceable. A game started at six. I wanted to play. I wanted to find out how much enjoyable can you have in a home called Fun City.

The youngest person at the table, Curved Baseball Hat, changed beans and corn. A male with an furious mustache led the conversation, a three-day whisker beside him contributing an occasional digression. The rest of us sat cooking softly in the juices of our addictions, like in any casino. Everybody at the table knew everybody else, except for me and a black welder in municipality for a specialist job. It was happy hour in Fun City, and brew was a dollar. Everybody told a mess of them. And I seemed just how luck it is to be in America, despite politics, despite everything. Cheap beer and frank beings and an honestly flowed activity in a clean chamber. Even compared to Canada, the unthinking prosperity of the place is dazzling.

Three Day Beard had appreciated Trump the night before, and Angry Mustache asked his opinion.

I think he could acquire, Three Day Beard suggested carefully, “as if its” a review, as if it were all you could allege of him, that he might have a chance to take the conference of presidents, for what it was worth.

Dont matter, told Angry Mustache. No content “whos got” in, Washington simply devastates them.

He might be different because he doesnt necessity the money.

Angry Mustache paraphrased a statistic, which I subsequently check and will prove to be bullshit, that all congressmen become millionaires by the time theyve been in power for a year. Everybody agrees with Trumps central advantage is that he comes pre-corrupted.

Its not even the money, Three Day Beard said. They get there. They all have these schemes and intentions. They cant do anything. Three Day Beard nearly pitied the legislators.

Its all interrupted, included Angry Mustache as a kind of dedicated, the style youd position any historic detail, like Germany lost the second world war or Frances Farmer was once a star.

The view of American politics in Fun City is snug despair. It is despair not just at who happens to be in influence but at whoever could ever be in power. It is despair not simply that the system is busted but that any organisation, imaginable in the present iteration of the United States, would turn out to be just as ruined. The choice is a alternative between frailty and dures. The reply was not change but a shrug.

Curved Baseball Hat, the person who originates corn and beans and who had fragile discovers of clay in the lanulae of his fingernails, requested information about an old gamble hall that used to be in municipality, and the recollections of the style Burlington used to be flowed constructs that had been knocked down, dames that were once beautiful and were now dead, riches made and vanished.

Eventually the pitch-black participate, who has said almost nothing except his calls and folds and develops, busted out.

Did you see that guys fingers? Angry Mustache expects when he had left. He gestured an inch past his centre paw. We were all, it was made very clear, in a chamber of grey humanities. You know what they say. My friend worked in the prison and he mentions its all true-blue. I guess thats why they say formerly you go black.

The residual of us nodded or smiled or said nothing, searching down at the cards. Now that we had all shown how white we were, it was a friendlier room. We knew that none of us would object to the misery of the others. What if the responses to Baldwins question is as banal as it appeared to be in Fun City? What if it white people draw the nigger to prepare themselves a little less lonely?

And I said nothing. I offered no fighting, though the line between “the mens” in Fun City and the cop killing a black brat in the appearance was not difficult to tracing. Here was my alibi that evening: I am Canadian. Which means I am a snoop from nowhere. Or perhaps I am a coward or something in between a coward and agent from nowhere. Its a reasonably threadbare alibi regardless. Whose isnt?

Conversation strayed back to Trump. It was more respectful.

I can see Trump, articulated Angry Mustache. Hes not the worst that Ive heard anyway.

Im starting to like that physician, Three Day Beard lends as an afterthought.

That doctor, Ben Carson, proposes a flat levy of 10% that would placed the US government, reckoning conservatively, in a$ 3tn-deficit. He believes that Joseph built the pyramids to store cereal, and he believes that Hitler never would have risen to influence if the German people were armed, and that Obamacare is worse than bondage, and that Americans are living in a Gestapo age.

I said that he hoped that Coates had some crazy programme, some utopian fiction for communards in Georgia, or the return to one motherland or another, but he only wants the end of white supremacy. He precisely requires white people in America to grow up, to yield their inhumane sense of illogical supremacy. I cannot imagine why they are able to. Its merriment to suck and to play placards and to dream what Donald Trump would say to the Mexican president the day after he was elected, or whether Ben Carson would prepare the flat tariff at 10 or 12%. The eventual alibi is stupidity it lies closest to innocence but if you cant cope stupidity, craziness does nearly as well.

I aim , nothing of its happens now anyway, right? Whoever gets elected, its just going to be stalemate and outrage anyway, right? Did I mention that beer payment one dollar? A single, lonely buck.

Ellen Degeneres, eat your heart out!

The Bernie Sanders rally in Davenport was the exact antonym of the Donald Trump rally in Burlington and yet precisely the same in every detail. Make America Great Again was replaced by Feel the Bern. Hawkers sold bolts, three for $10. They read Bernie Sanders is my feeling animal and Cats for Bernie and I subscribed Bernie Sanders before it was cool. Davenport, at least near the Adler Theater, “re the same” Brooklyn-outside-Brooklyn that has quelled every corner of the world that is not a strip mall. The tattoo creators of Davenport do not go hungry. The cornfed hipsters at the Sanders rally look like they have probably attended “states parties ” at which person played a bongo. They may even have attended a literary learning.

Bernie Sanders at a town hall session in Ottumwa, Iowa. Photograph: Charlie Neibergall/ AP

There were hype servicemen as with Trump, more, although in this case the latter are twentyish women in glasses bellowing Feel the Bern! and Were Going to Improve a Change! Individual with a camera from NBC expected the working group who has brought their precocious juveniles because they want them to be engaged in the political process Can I get you guys to look like youre excited about Bernie? They carefully targeted their glass on the floor, out of see, to oblige.

The same specter of angry white people recurs Saunderss rally, the same appreciation of longing for a country that was, the two countries that has been taken away. The Bernie crowd made homemade signs instead of fabricated ones, because I guess theyre organic. They brandished them only the same. They were going to a display. They wanted to be a good audience.

The fundamental difference between the Trump and Sanders army was that the Sanderss crowd has more coin, the natural significance of the American incongruity system: rich white people can afford to think about socialism, the poorest of the poor can only rendered their rage.

Sanderss opening act was a congressional wannabe, Gary Kroeger. He hadnt been on The Apprentice but on Saturday Night Live, a forgettable lesser performer from the largest date between 1982 and 1985. He started off, naturally, with a half-assed gag: the fresh patchouli in the air is great. The sign language translator offered a mild smile to expres it was a laugh. Then, after a brief foray into left-wingery, calling America a social democracy also known as a republic, Kroeger took a big selfie with the crowd behind him: Ellen Degeneres, eat your heart out! he wailed. Everyones phones rose up to take pictures of themselves in a illustration mimicking a photo from the Oscars: such was American socialism in the year 2015.

A few desultory ensembles followed, performing an mixture of leftwing anthems from various historical leftwing pushes. They harmonized on The Auld Triangle, a prison ballad that was covered on Inside Llewelyn Davis. The vocalist from Alice in Chains( recollect them ?) did an electrical version of I Wont Back Down. An old The Clash song, Jail Clang Doors, was sung by the subject of the first verse, Wayne Kramer. And it was all, so obviously, a nostalgia number, the self-indulgence for a longing of a season when music inspired politics, when activism owned an artistic look, and vice versa.

Eventually Bernie strayed out. The phones disappeared up. The phones went down. Enough is enough, he wailed, leaving blank what theres “ve had enough” of. And then he talked about how he wanted to end the war on drugs and campaign investment improve and government that isnt for plutocrats, and how they were going to build a revolution( such an embarrassing term to listen expressed out loud ), and America was going to be a social democracy, by the people of the people.

Sanderss exasperation was the principal fact to be communicated, more than any political material. Trump was about winning again. Sanders was about having lost. The vagueness of American politics is what amazed the outsider. Its all about sensations and God and bullshit. Sanders actually emitted the following sentence out loud: What were saying is when millions of people are working together to rehabilitate both governments we can do astonishing situations. Nothing asks what he made. None asked for numbers. They applauded. Better to take it in the intent in which its thrown, like a Catskills resort comedian.

Sanders prompted me of a line from Seinfeld, perhaps because Larry Davids SNL parody was only a few days old. The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup at a deli. When Ben and Jerry make a Bernie Sanders ice cream, I hope its chili and ginger: the delicious hot smell of nasal-passage clearing outrage.

Sanderss speech was much shorter than Trumps. There had already been the music, I guess. I had the impression, as with Trump, that I had traveled many hundreds of miles to look at a mortals mane. Bernie Sanderss hair is as much a statement as Trumps. It consider this to be the “hairs-breadth” of a tenured professor whose wife has stopped nagging him to get a haircut because the nagging doesnt handiwork. You couldnt muss Sanders hair. The ill is just as much an aesthetic as the comb-over. I symbolize it ever searches the same. Somebody is cutting it to sink that course over the ears.

The view from Tampico

As despair has suddenly spread like a fantastic mist over the white people of America, as the white people die off in their extraordinary quantities, the commenters are astonished, a little bit, but they have no plan of action. No policy proposals aim at reforming the lives of white people.

How could they? If you believe the Case and Deaton report, white people are victims of their own advantage literally. Their cherished claim to own guns, and the enormous increased number of the ownership of weaponry, means that their suicide strives are more effective. They have more access to opioids because doctors are more likely to trust white people with them. They have the money to draw themselves lonely and booze.

I recollect reading a piece from buzzer robs formerly, the kind that circulates on Facebook because it chimes somewhat unique in its predictable virtue. The first act of violence that patriarchy requests of males, she wrote, is not savagery toward dames. Instead patriarchy requisitions of all males that they involve is psychic self-mutilation, that they kill off the emotional specific areas of themselves.

Her compassion is admirable, glorious even, but also inaccurate. No one is more psychological than a piece-of-shit white man. They are sentimentality personified. How else can so many be moved to violence over the absence of a Christmas tree on a Starbucks cup?

That dream, that white reverie that smells like peppermint and penchants like strawberry shortcake, comes with a cost of shit. If you take shit, if you eat shit, if you live through the shit, if you live the stupid wars and the meaningless errands, you should be sure of who you are and what you deserve. And “if youre not” sure and you have not received what you deserved, why did you take and eat and subsist all that shit?

Un-harvested corn stands south of Council Bluffs, Iowa. Image: Nati Harnik/ AP

In the aftermath of that spate, the choice, I belief, is either to be proud to be grey, which is a word of lunacy, or to fantasize a post-racial cosmopolis, which is a kind of make-believe, or to be ashamed. So much easier to forget those choices, or to shelve endlessly the choosing, or to debate the difficulties of preferring infinitely, because grey male flesh is not under mortal threat, as the chassis of pitch-black men or the flesh of the status of women. Our organizations are safe. Our torsoes are the threat.

In medieval empires, the territory involved the existence of a doubled figure, one for the real world and one for the symbolic. There was the flawed and mortal person of the king, which sobbed and shat and screwed and died, and then there was the Body of the King, sacred, pure, indestructible.

Race generates us all double mass, double consciousness in WEB Du Boiss phrase, whatever you want to call having to live mortally through the judgement of others. The brand-new grey distortion, the sickness at heart, the pathology, may simply be the arrival of the awareness of two bodies: the dizziness and nausea that arrive with the onset of doubled eyesight.

Because they have to be like everybody else, their mettles are breaking in half.

The morning after the Sanders rally, I noted enough forte to look in the reflect at my grey and male organization, to probe its mortal and symbolic quality. At the angle of my groin, where it had been tingling, a dark-brown patch spilled like spoiled milk down my scalp. A wide-cut chocolate-brown spot determined like post-climate change Florida in the angle of my thigh. Instant, I knew I would die. And the next minute I started driving back to Toronto, to my bride and children, body of my flesh.

Bernie Sanders wants a revolution to overthrow casino capitalism but the problem, or maybe only the first trouble, is that the American beings enjoy casinoes. They cant construct them fast enough. On the road from Iowa, I transferred at least a dozen, a dozen Fun Cities of various types of shapes and sizings, enduring various gossips about Trump and Sanders. The highways of Illinois are a unique vision of the workings of human rights hope a roughly boundless mart for addiction and its dry. Strip clubs or fried chicken or gambling or faith or rehab or cancer treatment. The I-9 4 communicated right to the unwounded mas the promise of handled carbohydrate and pussy, or saving from them.

There was one other entertainment on the route dwelling: Ronald Reagans birthplace in Tampico. The glamour of the landscape around those towns, for some reason, has never been properly glamorize. There are no tourist buss to these fields, as there are to the ocean or the mountains, but the landscape is every bit as sublime. Reagans childhood extended in the loin of the Continent, the splendid hinge between the industrial core of the Great Lakes and the agricultural heartland. The historical recognition of his presidential tombstones has been consumed by fantasies of small town life but it is a landscape of whitewashed houses against the undulating emptiness, a country roiling with nightmares. You can depict Reagan as a boy in these fields, fantasy of movies and America vast screens on which he had been able to activity himself. The superhighway moves like a flow of praying through an ancient dream.

The ancient nightmares are still so vivid here. In the United States, 240 -year-old writings can be recited by soul by people who cannot be described as trained. Documents written by men who owned slaves are spoken of as if we are able to solve the problems of today and tomorrow and any imaginable future no matter how remote.

Thomas Jefferson was held that the Constitution should expire after 19 times, so that the dead would not have ascendancy over the living. That fate seems to have arrived. The Americans are in constant disputes with haunts and their the talks with dead beings are most powerful, most relentless, at precisely the points where they are most ludicrous. They nation defiantly that all men are created equal when any casual observer of life knows they arent. They claim that men and women should be judged by the content of their reference, when nobody can know the content of anothers character. These dreamings, these inabilities, are the absolute and real organization of their nation. And the reveries are so entrancing that its ambiguous whether the problem is that the Americans think you are, or that they dont. Its supremely childish, either way.

Back in Toronto, my bride took a look at the chocolate-brown spot on my groin and mailed me to a doctor, and medical doctors told me it was a rash from leading too much, and I had been given the greatest gift anyone can hope for, in this time and this lieu. I had been forgiven, for a while, for my body.