#and what happens when the person's label isn't what created in your mind?

[shedontlovehuhself]

No, you're actually not allowed to speculate on people's sexuality. What do you need to know their sexuality for? What benefit do you get from it? Why isn't enjoying the characters/stories they provide not enough for you?

[purplecoffee13]

“N.I.B.” - Thin Lines Check in

“You are the first to have this love of mine. Forever with me till the end of time.” ~ N.I.B. by Black Sabbath

Summary: “a year later, the sole mention of Harry’s name has your life whirling upside down…”

Tropes: opera singer!Y/N x rockstar!Harry

Wc: 3k

Warnings: none really

A/N: Hey everyone! Here it is, the end of an era: the final part of thin lines. This series is my personal favorite. I love this story and its ending is perfect to me, but I am sorry if it is in any way unsatisfying or disappointing. I just didn’t want to change the ending I had in mind when I started this series. Okay, enough yapping, enjoy!

Series Masterlist

General Masterlist

"We think you show great potential, and we are certain we can get you more recognition with our help." The man across the table from you said. You were leaned back in your seat a bit, still the slightest bit skeptical of his words, despite the giddy feeling that was bubbling in your stomach.

You glanced at your manager, Sandy, who gave you a small nod. She'd told you the contract was good. There were no hidden traps or restraints when it came to your music making. Of course, you knew that as a beginning artist you would always have to compromise, but you didn't want your art to suffer from it.

A smile formed on your face, "I would be very interested to work with you. The contract looks great, I can't wait to create more music with you as my label."

The men across from you all gave you a variety of smiles, nodding at your acceptance to their offer.

"Well, let's sign then!" The CEO of the label, Frank Lowell, cheerily proposed. You let out a soft chuckle, observing as his assistant handed you the contract along with a pen. You slid the paper a bit to the right, where Sandy was sitting, to let her scan the document for any possible mistakes, but the twinkle in her eyes when she looked at you told you enough.

As soon as your signature painted the bottom of the contract, you realized, it was real. Your dream of getting signed by a record deal had just become reality. You fought the tears from rolling down your cheeks.

You turned around and gave your new manager a hug. If it weren't for Sandy, you would've never gotten a contract this flexible for a beginning artist. She was pure fire, and incredibly considerate towards you. The best thing that could've happened to you after the disaster that Reece was.

It marked almost a year since you cut him off, in every sense of the word. You realized that if you ever wanted to evolve, you needed to let go of all that was holding you back. There was no one holding you back more than Reece. Losing him— no, getting rid of him had given you a sense of freedom that felt so nice.

The emotional shackles with which you had tied yourself down to him weren't tokens of safety, they had been a weight on your ankle, and he had pushed you into the sea. You were lucky to have remembered how to swim in time, and you knew you couldn't give yourself the entire credit for it.

"Let's toast!" Frank said, handing you and Sandy both a glass of champagne. You got up from your seat and held the glass up high, along with the rest.

"To Y/N L/N and our promising time together!" He exclaimed, followed by some cheers and the sounds of glasses clinking against one another. You brought the champagne to your mouth and took a sip.

"And to Harry Styles."

You nearly choked on your champagne at the words of the assistant's words. You quickly swallowed the sip, and after a few coughs, you ask, "w— what?"

Frank only laughed, as if suddenly remembering whatever it was that his assistant was referring to. You were staring at him wide eyed, waiting for someone to explain. You hadn't heard that name in a year. Hadn't allowed yourself to think about it.

"Ah right! Bright lad, that Harry." He said.

You flicked your eyes towards the assistant, then to Frank, then to the assistant again. When it seemed like Frank isn't going to offer up any explanation, the assistant stepped in.

"Mr. Lowell was at the studio the other day to see the progress of an album of one of our artists, and Harry Styles was there. They were playing a song and Mr. Lowell and I thought it was our artist's song, but it turned out to be your single. He introduced us to your work, told us he once saw your performance at that opera you used to play in." He told you, Frank nodding intently.

The air seemed to have been sucked out of your lungs. You couldn't believe it. Of course, you had thought it was strange that such a prominent record label had contacted you, but then again your song did go viral, so you thought they maybe found you through social media.

For a second you were afraid that this was just a pity gift from Harry, but from what Frank and his assistant told you, it didn't seem so.

Still, you were wary. And you stayed wary throughout the rest of the time, despite acting your best not to seem it. About fifteen minutes later, Frank announced that he had to attend a different meeting, and the small celebration came to an end.

You shot a weak smile at Sandy, who was rambling about how great this was and how happy she was for you the entire way down with the elevator. You simply nodded along, pretending to listen. Deep inside, you felt guilty for not paying attention, but most of your mind was occupied with that one name.

Harry Styles.

"Y/N!" A voice took you right out of that mental spiral you felt yourself fall into. Your gaze flew to where the sound was coming from, and there you spotted him:your boyfriend.

It took a lot to wield a smile upon the sight of his face, and that made you feel terrible. What kind of horrible person did you have to be to be so affected by the mention of the name of a person you hadn't seen in over a year? Completely awful, you concluded.

"Darren, what are you doing here?!" You asked, letting him take you in his embrace. He lifted you up and spun your around.

Upon putting you down again, he said, "I wanted to celebrate this milestone event with my lovely girlfriend!"

You chuckled, planting a kiss on the lips of your sweet boyfriend.

Darren and you had been dating for five months now, and he was beyond sweet. A golden retriever kind of guy, something you had never really liked before. You had been alone for a while when you'd met him at a karaoke bar, where he'd just done an awful rendition of 'My Heart Will Go On' by Celine Dion. He had bought you a drink and you had chatted for a while, and at the end of the night he gave you his number.

At first, you didn't want to text him, because Darren wasn't exactly your type. But after some careful consideration and plenty of encouragement from your friends, you texted him anyway. Sweet guy that he was, he immediately took you to dinner, and you were surprised with how easily everything flowed. He liked you, he showed it, and he put in effort. It didn't take long for him to ask you to be his girlfriend.

After the drama with Reece and whatever it was that could possibly define your relationship with Harry, you figured that this was exactly what you needed. No games, no guessing, no girlfriends. So, you said yes, and you had been together ever since.

It didn't stop your from noticing the differences between you and him, though. He was way more established— stable if you will. There was still a lot of untamed wildness that resided in you, and you weren't sure for how much longer you could keep that locked away.

"I'm thinking, pizza at Joe's and inviting Zach and Chloe along— and Sandy." He whirled his head to your manager. "Sandy, wanna come too?"

She shook her head. "I have a dinner party with some long distance friends tonight, but have a lot of fun!"

"You too!" You said, hurrying over to her and giving her one last tight hug. "Thank you, I couldn't have done this without you.

"Give yourself some credit too, girl." Sandy replied sternly, an eyebrow raised. "And the next time I see you, you have to tell me about the time Harry Styles came to see you at the opera?! I need to know every last detail about that!"

Your stomach churned. "There's not much to tell, really..."

"I don't care, just milk it out." She chuckled. She turned to wave at Darren, and winked at you one last time before walking over to her car and driving away. That feeling of a thousand bricks hanging from your body wasn't getting any lighter, and you were afraid you might throw up.

In spite of that nagging feeling—the one of your body screaming at you to do that one thing that could make it go away—you turned around to your boyfriend and conjured a smile.

"Let's celebrate."

*****

The glasses of wine hadn't proven to be of any help in getting rid of that feeling that plagued you, so you had stopped trying after glass number three. There was no point in getting wasted if it didn't drown out the reason you were getting wasted for.

The entire night passed by you, as if you were watching it from behind a screen, and you felt horrible about the impact that one mention of his name had made on you.

So, you'd decided to do something about it.

The night ended at around one in the morning, with you having to carry Darren to his apartment and into his bed. He had let loose a little too much. You didn't quite mind— it's not like you were going all out anyway. Besides, he'd had a rough week at the firm he worked at, so he deserved a little break from it all. At least that way one of you could relieve some stress.

As Darren lay snoring, you fiddled with your keys in hand at the side of his bed. You weren't able to conclude whether doing or not doing what you were about to do was inducing more anxiety.

Be a grown up, you told yourself.

Taking a deep breath, you got up from the bed and headed to the door, downstairs and into a cab, giving the driver an address you hadn't thought you'd ever visit again.

******

Nini's still looked the same.

The types of people visiting hadn't changed, neither had the bouncer or the sign that hung above those stairs that led down to a sinful piece of your history. And as those bricks dissolved into something more exciting— jittery, you realized, you loved it.

You loved this club, and you loved coming here. The people might have been crazy, but it was fun and it was open and it was... free. You hadn't felt free in a while.

Technically, you were more free than ever. You weren't a bird caged by your manager anymore. No, you had flown right out of Reece's suffocating grip. But that was not what you meant.

It was this inner freedom that you now saw you had been missing this past year. This sexual, spiritual liberty that had somehow faded after you and Harry decided to stop seeing each other, causing you to reform to the standards of society again just when you had began to break loose from them.

You certainly hadn't felt freedom like the one people were experiencing in this club in a long time. You hadn't felt so free as to try drugs in a club, and fuck in places where you might get caught. Such as the balcony...

You looked up, suddenly remembering the place where you lost your virginity, and gulped when you found yourself eye to eye with the man who had taken it from you.

Fuck, shit, fuck!!!

You took your eyes off Harry, and rushed into the club. You couldn't possibly back down now, so you might as well get it over with quick. Rip it off like a band aid.

You took the exact route that Harry took that first time he brought you here. And as if you were living in a memory, there he stood, waiting for you in the doorway to the office upstairs. You looked over your shoulder—you didn't know why, it wasn't like anyone was going to judge here—and walked into the room.

The office looked the exact same as the last time you had been here, but nothing was the same.

"And to what do I owe this visit, sweetheart?"

God, the way the nickname rolled off his tongue. As if his mouth had been warmed up to the movements, as if he had last called you that just the other week and not, in fact, a whole year ago.

"I got a recording contract, at a record label." You told him, finally turning around and meeting his eyes. The slightest flicker of shock flashed through them, clearly indicating his surprise about not only the news, but also your visit.

"That's great, Y/N. Where?" He asked, his voice so genuinely happy. Your response was delayed, due to the fact that he called you by your first name, something he didn't do very often. Harry chuckled very softly at the stuttered reply that fell from your lips, knowing it was the effect his words still had on you. You let him study you for a while, knowing you had changed a bit over the year, before you finally asked that burning question.

"You— you didn't tell them to, did you?"

Harry squinted his eyes at you. "What do you mean?"

"You didn't tell them, to like... hire me or anything, right?" Your cheeks flushed, embarrassment filling your body before the answer had even left Harry's mouth. Your eyes stung but you restrained yourself from letting it go any further.

"You think I forced that record label to give you a contract?" He asked, and the words hit you like knives in your chest. Without daring to utter another word, you simply nodded.

"You have got to be joking."

Your eyes widened as Harry walked towards you, and grabbed your shoulders. He bent down a bit, leveling with you eye to eye.

"You've got to be fucking— sick or something." He scanned your face, frowning and feeling your temperature. "You do look a little bit delusional to me."

You couldn't help the small giggle that fell from your lips as you smacked Harry's hand away. "Stop it!"

Harry's lips formed in a smile, but his hands stayed on your face, both of them cupping your jaw as he rose your head ever so slightly to meet his eyes again.

"I didn't force that record label to sign you on. Your talent did that for you." He assured you. "Give yourself some credit."

You sniffed a laugh, and Harry's head tilted at the sound, not understanding what was so funny about this situation.

"Sandy— my manager said the same thing."

"I like your manager already." The gleam in his eye revealed enough. He was proud of you for leaving Reece, to have finally been done with that. You were happy about it too, and proud of yourself for doing so. But it was impossible not to look back on that and know that if it weren't for Harry it would've taken you longer to see how messed up your former manager was behaving.

The unspoken words that hung between the two of you instilled a layer of thickness to the air that made it difficult to breathe as you took in those green eyes that you occasionally still dreamed about. Harry was quick to try and fade the awkwardness away, something he'd never really rushed to do before. It made you wonder, if this impromptu visit of yours had made him... nervous?

"You've changed." He noted. "You look... more grown up."

"I have a boyfriend." You felt the need to announce, but it didn't shift anything between the two of you. You didn't know why you had expected it would. He went after you when you were in love with another man, why would a boyfriend stop him from holding your face in the palm of his hand?

"Of course you do." He grinned at you. It wasn't a taunting response, rather a pleased one. Like he expected you to, because you deserved to have one, and it was only natural for a girl like you.

"I miss you."

The sentence fled your mouth before you could even think twice. It was second nature to confess this thought. It was that feeling of those bricks, that terrible stomach ache you had been trying to ignore all day. You missed him. You missed this life, the chaos he introduced you to.

"I miss you too." He said with a lightness you hadn't expected but knew the meaning of. It was the kind that didn't lessen the impact of the statement, but made you realize the fixed truth. The one thing that had stayed the same. You couldn't be together.

"I should go." You whispered, despite every nerve in your body wanting to stay in that very office until the end of time. You took his hands off your face and slowly began to head for the door, when Harry's voice made you turn around.

"Y/N."

"Yes." You breathed, watching him struggle to bring that emotion that hid in his eyes to words. When it came out, it was strangled, but laced in sincerity.

"You're always gonna be mine, you know," he sighed. "to take care of."

A smile crept up your face, a sense of finality finally finding its way through your bones. A finality for hiding the way you really wanted to live. Messily, chaotically. You liked this rollercoaster so much, but you gave it up too early thinking it wasn't meant for you. But now you knew, this was your favorite ride. This was how you wanted to live.

"I know, Harry." You nodded your head slowly. "I'll see you around."

This time, you meant those words. You were going to see him around. And what would happen between the two of you was uncertain, but that was okay, as long as it made you feel free.

[flashyzz]

Take my mind out

"Does it hurt..?"

She said as she stabbed it in the stomach, the blood poured out like an active waterfall. This was it, this was what she wanted right? All these years of fucking suffering she experienced should make her joyful that 'its' already dead? RIGHT. RiFTh. rIGth...?

Back then—

It treated you like you were a treasure. It made you feel the emotion you lacked, it was like a combination of fear and love. But of course it's just a monster, it never had feelings from the start. Everything was fake, a delusional paradise created by your mind.

"Ba-... Baby..." What? You said to it. This was the first encounter you had with this 'thing' you called a monster or so, you were emotionally broken during this period and didn't know how to react to these words it spouted.

Did it love you? Treat you more than just a toy, a good for nothing 'thing'? That's when the realization hit you, you were both similar, how? This is because both of you are just monsters to society. Monsters, huh.

You wonder what made you a monster, you were perfectly fine, beauty, intelligence and emotions you were the epitome of humanity yet you were labeled and beat to become the monster they say you are. But what made that thing a monster then?

Was it because of its appearance or behavior, maybe it's because she just isn't accepted, like you.

As you find the many reasons why society doesn't accept this monster, you notice from the corner of your eye that the 'thing' was gone. What the fuck!? Where did it go? Will it kill you, hunt you down as its prey or just murder for fun? You were infatuated on how it would behave, normally a person would fear this and try to escape and run away. But you, you were like a psychopath. Hm, maybe you finally lived up to your nickname 'mad scientist'.

The thing came back to you, mouth excessively salivating and blood dripping from the head. What was it really? And why does it behave like that. Those questions flooded your mind in a rush to discover and experiment on this thing. You laughed manically, what a monster you truly were.

Back to the thing you were looking directly at, it was still salivating and it looked at you like you were a big, juicy turkey just waiting to be devoured. "Wow.."

You said in an impressed manner, it was majestic. Like the king of beasts, the absolute best. You stared at each other for about ten seconds both of you trying to process what was actually happening. You stared at it like a Madman while it stared at you like it was the biggest predator around. "Ha— do I look like food to you? Stupid beast." You exclaimed.

It growled lowly as it circled you cautiously, you smiled, but it was not a normal smile, it was predatory, just like a maniac or madman would. "What would it take for you to eat me..?"

What the hell? Why were you asking this thing a question like that? You didn't want to die, you loved yourself, right? Oh, how wrong you truly were. It was like a fool was creating her own world just for her to fit in. And for sucks sake why would you even think about that question? Gosh, nevermind, you thought, let's go back to the monster your literally staring at right now.

Before you even knew it the monster was already closer to you, its breath was just horrible! Ick, what does this thing eat anyways? But you could feel it, the tension in the air seemed to grow stronger than two buff guys playing tug of war. Shit, its breath was hot and uneven plus you couldn't stand its smell! It almost made you puke!

Back to your conscious self—

Urgh, you tried to back your head away from its open salivating mouth, but it just responded by moving closer to you. What a pain in the ass, you didn't even know what this thing was and still it acted like it was attracted to you! This made you slightly irritated with it. As you fully backed yourself up from it, it stayed still like it saw something behind you. What does it see? More and more questions and wonders washed your mind. Gosh, this thing made you wonder the most random things! Why were you even thinking this!?

Everything was a mess in your mind, like it was scattered all over the floor. But one thing stood out from the trashy questions in your puzzled brain. Was this a nightmare.? It all made sense, the things you were seeing, you really went nuts huh!? "HAHAHAHAHA." You laughed like a psycho!

You were right.

The following day you went to visit the doctor as he refused to prescribe you medicine for the sleepless nights and un-waving nightmares you got from the pain in your head.

"I'm nuts, baby I'm mad! The craziest patient you've ever had!" You're crazy! My doctor responds. Why don't I just shut off my brain? What a let down you say to yourself as you stare at the corpse on the ground. It was fresh, who did this!? What the actual hell!? You started to cry. Who would do something so cruel to a person? Did you almost end up dying? Until you saw your own hands, bloodied.

Your face contorted into a manic smile, why were you smiling? Did you murder him? Suddenly you also began to laugh…

"Where is my prescription? Doctor, doctor please listen, my brain is in scatters, you can be Alice I'll be the Mad hatter." You whisper to the cold body beneath you.

Psychotic was what you were, as your mind created a personal world for you to blend in with the world you, while you were stuck in a white room in real life. It's so soft, you muttered softly. Everything was so soft and so bright, was this heaven? Did you die? You zone out in thoughts when a person suddenly enters the room. A god? No it was a doctor yet your twisted mind failed to notice that.

As the ‘god’ touches you, you scream. “DON'T TOUCH ME!”

”DON'T TOUCH ME!”

They pinned you down. They!? Since when did many more ‘gods’ join!? It was terrifying. They pounced on you like lions! Wait, lions? Weren't you just thinking about god's just a minute ago? Your mind really was in scatters. No, you were playing tag with them, that was it right? Yeah, yeah. They're your friends!

You started chasing them, playing tag was fun! They would scream playfully every single time you tagged them! How entertaining! “Tag your it!” You said whenever they got out. But the problem was why did the players get eliminated so easily….

…All you did remember was grabbing something.

I got inspired by Melanie Martinez!! 😋

[system-of-a-feather]

You know, I honestly do think people would greatly benefit from taking some time to deeply reflect on the known idea that "one of the key point ways to radicalize into a dangerous, harmful, bigotted, and sometimes fascist (NOT CLAIMING THAT IT IS INHERENTLY, JUST THAT WE KNOW IT PLAYS A ROLE IN RADICALIZING FASCISM I DO NOT PISS ON THE POOR) is to create an 'us' vs 'them' way of thinking." Like this is tumblr dot com, yeah there are some people who don't know that and/or disagree with that, but I'd like to think the sensible majority of us who are on the trans gaysex website have heard that be said and have at least mostly agreed with it.

And yet, even then, we have some of the most pointless discourse that is fundamentally built on this "us vs them" ideology. The same "they are ACTUALLY [emotionally and morally charged claim] and are DANGEROUS to live and let be". "[Insert Group] is ACTUALLY a [insert claim that generates fear] because [semi plausible claim and/or over generalization of a few people]." "[Insert Group] wants us dead / gone / silenced and will not stop until this or that and can not be trusted when they say otherwise"

Like, I'm pretty sure this is in queercourse / LGBT discourse, proship related stuff, and all that general way too online internet discourse, but the one I'm most familiar with is syscourse so I'm going to use that as a reference and talk specifically to that audience.

If you are reading this and go "Oh you are vagueing XYZ of [this group] because they literally say those things", I'm sorry to tell you this literally had at least half of the regular syscourser names in my mind - from BOTH sides.

Honestly, I feel if we just really stopped using labels to put OURSELVES into us-vs-them categories that people can immediately box us one place or another, it'd do everyone a lot better in having productive conversations cause you'd actually kind of need to, ya know, talk to a person before you inherently decide that they are the "enemy who wants to take things away from you and silence you."

Nine out of ten times, people just want to live, want to be able to exist and have human decency, and are just generally scared. I'm sure there are some bad apples out there that explicitly do want to actively cause harm to other people for no good reason other than its funny, cause yeah, they obviously exist - but I've come to find most people, even the most aggressive and vocal people, are scared and often isolated and thus trapped in this cycle of discourse.

There is a lot of benefit to be found by taking time to sit, pull off all the assumptions you've made about a person, and just genuinely give space and time to have a genuine, best faith, private discussion about what matters and drives them. If there are people who you think you know their opinions, thoughts, and reasons for doing and saying what they do from just their online public presence, you are honestly probably humorously wrong.

And that isn't to say I'm exempt from it, cause I liberally block at the slightest annoyance which - while minimizing negativity on my dash also happens to shut down any room for any deeper understanding of a person - is good because no one is entitled to you going out of the way to understand them and their perspective, especially when they are actively putting things out that make you feel stressed, annoyed, and/or concerned.

It also isn't to say there is any reason or internal dialogue that fully excuses toxic behavior on it's own. No one is entitled to your forgiveness either, especially if they don't make amends on their own effort.

It's all just to say that I think people would benefit a lot from sitting down and spending some time thinking to themselves what it means, why it is, and how it appears chronically in social communities the "us vs them" mentality and how that ends up causing unhealthy and toxic behavior.

[npdmonoma]

Can "narcissistic abuse" be something we consider outside of people with NPD? I don't believe in PDs at all as someone who's been diagnosed with one, and I'm very anti psychiatry. However mechanisms of what's described as "narcissistic abuse" are real phenomena and I'm wondering if we can address these situations without linking it to a diagnosis or condemning people as permanently and irreparably broken because they're making those choices in one context

Actually read some more posts on your blog and I think I found an answer that satisfies me in this topic ... I think the move forward would be to unlink certain constellations of behavior (gaslighting, DARVO, etc.) From having a PD. Honestly recognizing that someone who abused me was likely struggling with NPD made it easier to find empathy for them but I still had questions in my mind about how to address this specific pattern

I added your second ask here so I can address them both at the same time. Starting with your statement about not believing in personality disorders due to being anti-psychiatry, this is a statement I both do and don't agree with. All mental health diagnoses are created by psychiatrists by observing patterns of behavior that they label as aberrant and give a name to. So in that sense, they're "not real" because NPD isn't some objective observable thing. However, as long as anyone finds value in using that framework to understand themselves and hopefully begin healing, it should continue to exist as a concept. I personally find incredible value in the diagnosis, and have made significant strides toward healing and becoming a better person since I started applying that concept to myself.

That being said, I do believe in psychiatric abolition. What you said about not labeling people as inherently broken is part of my dissatisfaction with the state of mental healthcare. People with personality disorders can heal, even if our disorders never fully leave us. There's also reason to believe that the idea that personality disorders almost never go into full remission is either partially or fully false. Either way, we aren't broken. Or at least, we aren't required to view ourselves as such.

Second, you're absolutely correct that the things that get labeled as "narcissistic abuse" are real phenomena. I have never, and will never, deny that people who call themselves narcissistic abuse survivors have experienced abuse. I honestly believe that they did. However, those phenomena aren't inherently linked to NPD. I have yet to see an example of "narcissistic abuse" that wasn't just a textbook example of (usually emotional) abuse. There is no need to call it narcissistic, you can just call it abuse. That's what it is.

And yes, you're very correct that we need to disconnect patterns of abuse from personality disorders. We shouldn't be linking any mental illness/neurodivergence to abusive behavior. All that does is cause stigma that leads to people being hated for something they can't really control, and something that oftentimes was done to them. I don't deserve to be hated for what my abusers turned me into. No one does.

I'm glad you were able to find understanding and empathy for your abuser, as that seems to have been healing for you. I'm genuinely happy for you. However, the fact that in your case you learned something about your abuser that gave you context for what happened doesn't mean that thing is inherently linked to abuse in general. My father was likely autistic, and I can see how this played into his abuse of me. And yet, I would never say he abused me autistically, because he didn't. He just abused me. There are abusers in every demographic that exists, but that doesn't mean that the entire demographic gets discarded. People who have never abused anyone don't deserve to be called abusers, especially when they're abuse victims themselves.

Thank you for your curiosity and for having an open mind about this. I appreciate you taking the time to think this through, and I'm glad I was able to help in some way. My apologies if I went over something you already figured out for yourself, but I figured it was best to be thorough.

[angelofthepage]

If I had a nickel for every time a FNAF video got me thinking critically about Bendy, I'd have two nickels, which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice. Today it's about how there's a lot we don't actually know in this series, and how maybe I need to stop driving myself crazy trying to figure it out.

So, this is where I reveal that I am anal about what I consider to actually be canon to Bendy, and that framing matters to me a lot. Like, if we're talking about The Illusion of Living for example, I will be very explicit in saying the canon is that Joey claims that Bendy was created by him, Henry, and Abby while sitting on the floor of his apartment. And that is the only thing that's canon, Joey claims this event happened in this way, but whether or not it actually happened in this way is unclear, since Joey perpetually lies to people throughout this series. Now, this is one of those events that I think he's telling the truth about personally, but no, all we have for the canon of that event is that Joey tells us it happened that way. That's not the same thing as "this is decidedly what happened". And this goes for every character, these characters are not guaranteed to be telling a truthful or accurate version of events at any time, some of them have reasons to either purposely abstract the truth, or unreliable memories due to the horrors of this world affecting their minds. I feel this VERY strongly with the books especially, because we know most of them have a lot of mental stuff going on because of the ink, but it's not just them. Look at Sammy and Susie, look at Tom, look at Wally and how charming but suspicious he is in what he knows. This series has VERY FEW reliable narrators, there is so much you have to interpret in order to get anywhere with it. So when people tell me something is "canon," I am immediately skeptical and want to know what their source is. Can't take anything at face value.

And the thing is, when you look at the canon through this lens, it is exhausting, technicalities will become the bane of your existence. This week I went back to some of the books with some friends, and the descriptions for Brant and Archie in TLO and FTB don't entirely line up with them being lost ones specifically as ink monsters (thank you Victor @reanimationstation for pointing that out and for the Sammy take that will follow here, I was so caught up in the moment I missed it on my first read-through). I feel like that's the intent with them, at the very least I feel like that's the intent with Brant because his book is literally titled "The Lost Ones", but the skeletal structure, the glowing eyes, things I would consider to be KEY FEATURES of that kind of monster are missing from their descriptions, and it leaves me with a lot of questions about what they actually are and what creatures they DO line up with. And I'm fascinated by the possibilities, because it creates a lot of fun options for fan interpretations, like making Archie a similar creature to Sammy to further unite their common threads (like why is Sammy the only character built the way he is??), or developing a new creature altogether. It is also frustrating from a theorizing standpoint because I can't say either of them are lost ones definitively, that's not the canon. They are ink monsters with x features, that is all we know, anything else is putting a label on them without knowing all the ingredients that make them up. I think Brant is probably a lost one, but I can't say that's the canon, that's something I've inferred and interpreted from the information available, which isn't a complete picture.

I want to do more with theorizing, but I think, I just wanna let myself have fun for a bit too, and not care about the canon by my usual high standards. I wanna go be a little indulgent with letting the hallucinations from Fade to Black exist as real creatures, even though there isn't enough evidence to say whether they are or not. I wanna play with the glasses more. I want to overthink about how Wilson may have used the glasses to enter and exit the studio as a possible "in" for Dark Revival. (Frankly Fade to Black has me asking a LOT of questions about Wilson that I want to mess around with.) I want to think about how Memory Joey, and how he might believe Henry and Allison are clones wholeheartedly, but he might have been fed bad information that he believes to be true (I don't think he'd intentionally lie to Audrey, but he is liable to be misinformed, he's a Joey after all). I want to contemplate "what ifs" that don't have to be based on completely factual things. I want hypotheticals. Maybe I just want to write fanfiction! X'''D Isn't that all theorizing is, fanfiction you're trying to validate with the canon? Like hell if I know!

There is a time and place for being anal about the canon I think. Establishing a timeline or a baseline of our factual information is useful and can inform a great deal of things, and it also gives you some room to anticipate where changes might occur if something gets revealed as a new twist or retconned in the future. Maybe that's just me, trying to justify things and make them fit within my view of this world (which let's be real, we all do it, I'm just hard on myself for it). But sometimes, you gotta let go. Sometimes you gotta let yourself be a little silly, maybe a bit unhinged. Sometimes you have to say, fuck it, maybe the hallucination of Henry from FTB becomes Borkis and writes golden ink messages for Cyclebreaker Henry to find. It's out there, it's stupid, but damn is it fun to consider based on nothing at all. Sometimes you get to ask if Keepers have souls for shits and giggles.

Maybe I need to stop framing theorizing as "solving the canon". Maybe we all could stand to have more fun playing with the world. And maybe we could stop calling things "canon" and debating the "canon" and just, enjoy the ride regardless of the canon. Because ultimately, it is frustrating to argue about the canon, especially for a series like Bendy where half the fun is from getting interpretative with it. Part of the fun is creating the story, using your imagination with the pieces the story gives us. And we're not always gonna agree on what kind of story this is or what's valuable about it, nor what direction it should go in or what is the best way to tell it. That's a huge part of enjoying stories, you're not supposed to all get the same takeaway from it. Bendy's story means different things to different people. And that's part of the beauty of it. And maybe, I need to be a little nicer to myself about it. Maybe I need to go learn to play again.

Maybe I need to learn not to take things so seriously. ^^''''

[burningchandelier]

How to be Punk; A History

My very talented and wonderful nibling has a birthday coming up and is, perhaps, doing a bit of soulsearching. With that, they wrote to ask me "how to be punk" and I wrote this back. It is longer than they probably bargained for, but anything less would have been a disservice. Please enjoy.

The most important thing about Punk is that it is a frame of mind. A person can be the most teeshirt-and-jeans-wearing, "normal"-looking person on the planet, but if they are devoted to justice for the underdog, anticapitalism, antiracism, feminism, queer rights, and genuinely making the world a better place through action and resistance, then that person is punk as hell.

Punk is about resisting authority, first and foremost. It is about taking labels that are used to hurt us and reclaiming them, turning them into our armor. It is about making your own impact in the world in the way that suits you best, and yes, of course, to a degree it is about fashion and music.

The best way to know where you are going is to know where you have been. You have to understand the history, at least a little, in order to know why things are the way they are.

With that in mind, here is a summary of the past fifty years of Punk. I hope I do okay.

The very word "Punk" itself used to be a slur used against effeminate men perceived to be gay. Back in the early 1970s, a bunch of dudes in England got called punks for wearing tight clothes with lots of safety pins. They turned around and said "Yeah, I am a punk. What are you going to do about it?"

This caught on incredibly fast.

Originally, the punk scene-- that of the early 70s, was a response to the commercialization of Rock and Roll, which had become pretty hack and overproduced, and to Disco, which was just taking off and was not appealing to everyone (I'll get into that another day).

Early punk (Sometimes called "Proto-punk" by people who want to sound like they know a lot, but it's pretentious) is a lot more accessible than people expect it to be!

Check out Iggy Pop and the Stooges, The Velvet Underground, and the New York Dolls for a taste of this era.

But WHAT ABOUT THE SEX PISTOLS!?

Okay. So here's the thing. The sex pistols are garbage. Yes, you have got to listen to Anarchy in the UK and God Save the Queen in order to know anything about anything when it comes to punk, but they were essentially an advertisement for a clothing shop, so they were automatically shills.

The important thing is that they created the Punk Aesthetic that we still know and love. Johnny Rotten was and still is a right-wing piece of shit. Sid Vicious was a garbage human. They wore clothes and made one good album, but I'm willing to admit that they did matter.

So then what happened?

Well, let me introduce you to Joey, Johnny, Dee dee, and Tommy.

The Ramones are where Punk took off and it took off like a bat outta hell.

You still see Ramones logos everywhere and that's for a good reason. It's because they rock. In this era, you also got Black Flag, The Misfits, The Dead Kennedys, The Damned, the list goes on and on (and it's awesome).

The 80s were a tumultuous time, politically and Punk got harder, more intense, more guitar-driven, and the bands had figured out that all you needed to make some incredible music was 4 chords and a message.

Sometimes, that message was awesome. Sometimes that message was total bullshit. Sometimes that message wasn't really a message as much as it was "I want to wreck stuff" but that's still kind of a message, isn't it?

It is worth noting that during this time, Punk was fighting for it's identity and a lot of that fighting included issues of race and gender-- some bands were total fascists and some bands were all about making fun of them. So you have to kind of understand that in order to get what was going on.

This is part of why fashion is SO important in the punk scene. Everything, everything, everything, down to the color of your shoelaces used to mean something specific. A bandana in your pocket could mean how you liked to have sex (and if you were Queer). Your boots could signal if you were a Nazi. Sometimes it wasn't a big deal, but sometimes it was important.

Wait. Nazi Punks?

Oh yeah, honey. There were a lot of Nazi punks in the scene, especially back in the 80s and 90s. That's the whole reason for the song "Nazi Punks Fuck Off."

We had to fight really hard, and continue to fight hard, to keep them out. They have no business in our spaces and in our music.

This sounds bad. I'm not sure if I want to be punk.

That's fair, but here's the thing. Being punk is so so so incredibly worth it (remember that part at the beginning about being anti-authority?) The community and the music and the beliefs are why we do it.

To be fair, if you've made it this far, you're probably in too deep already. Good for you! Keep going!

Okay, so then what happened after the 80s? Well, I know you can count, so you know what's coming next.

Punk took a backseat in the 90s. Grunge happened and Punk became kind of passe. The diehards were out there, slugging it out as always, but things had calmed down. In the West, politics weren't as dire, things seemed kind of hopeful. Punk was still important, but it wasn't what people needed.

That said, there was a rise in more pop-punk sounds that are, let's face it, fucking delightful. This is where we get Greenday, as well as a slew of bands that came into their own a little later on.

This was also the time of Riot Grrrl music, which I will happily tell you all about another time, but for now, we can say that it was the incredibly necessary, fantastic response to the "boys only" sign that alternative music, especially punk, had been hanging for years.

It is also worth noting that Punk, just like most art, is full of hypocrites who don't see their own blind spots. This doesn't make people bad, it just makes them people.

Punk has a long, crappy tradition of ignoring the contributions of women/people perceived as women and people of color even though it would not exist without those individuals.

It is getting much better, but god damn, it has taken a long time.

So then the 2000s happened and shit. went. nuts.

It doesn't really matter if you call it punk, pop-punk, emo, mall-goth, or anything else, but the alternative music scene of the 2000s went off like a bomb and there was no stopping it.

Like the 80s, the political landscape of the West was toxic to self expression, especially for young people who were suffering under the Bush Administration, the culture war against gay marriage, and the real-life wars that America had taken to the Middle East. Punk came back with a vengeance because the kids were not alright.

This punk, though? This punk was a different kind of fun.

This punk was the kind of punk where you were a lot less likely to get beat up and a lot more likely to get a sunburn at Warped Tour.

Making Punk accessible to more people with a broader appeal meant. for some, a watered down message, but for many others it meant being exposed to those messages at all. In my opinion, a net positive.

Did the DIY ethos of anticapitalism that bands like Thursday and My Chemical Romance, and even Fall Out Boy touted in their early days survive being brought to MTV? You have to be the judge of that. I am probably too biased to say, myself.

Into the future we go!

I believe that you need about 15-20 years to reflect on history with a proper degree of distance. It is too hard to pick out trends and important events when you're examining something that happened five to ten years ago, so I won't get into the 2010s or '20s yet.

Just remember that Punk has staying power and adaptability.

So. What makes a person punk? That's up to you.

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

I don't know how to explain this to people but harms created by the mis/phobia/isms are BOTH structural and also interpersonal. Always.

They are both you fucknuts.

A person explaining that these harms can habitually target people outside the demographic in question isn't "too stupid" or "playing dumb" that these harms are also systemic in order to make a point, but YOU are ignoring that it's both. It is systemic and it is interpersonal.

Making exclusionist arguments that you think systemic harms somehow aren't systemic the same way for the people they are mistakenly habitually targeting, even if it were true, is willfully ignoring that someone being treated to racism or trans-misogyny in their day to day life isn't exempt from those systems impacting them, just because they don't systemically effect other people who may share their actual demographic.

You are just grasping for new social justice language to justify the same bullshit.

Misogyny is both structural and interpersonal and we use the same label for both. Racism is both structural and interpersonal and we use the same term for both. Trans-misogyny is both structural and interpersonal and yes we use the same term for both.

There is no utility in pronouncing other people as "exempt" from systems or interpersonal bigotry that impacts their daily life

There is no use in doing so unless your goal is exclusion

You don't get to cherry pick "Oh I am only talking about structural trans-misogyny, so I can pronounce who is exempt from this experience and these systems" and just pretend anyone who doesn't agree with you is too simple minded about it to understand the issue.

Idk how to tell you this, but if someone is taken as a trans woman in their day to day life... the power structures in place that harm trans women... also harm them... What's not clicking?

Why are we now trying willfully to pretend that when a trans man is mistaken for a trans woman regularly those interactions are all just interpersonal and not systemic, but the same interactions happening to someone correctly identified as a trans woman is systemic instead?

Systemic harms toward a certain demographic always bleed out onto anyone mistaken for that demographic within a system.

I feel like I am trying to explain things to people role playing toddlers who haven't developed theory of mind yet.

[Imagine as a thought experiment, an imperfect one, for anyone still struggling, to try to make it simpler to understand, this wouldn't really happen -probably- but bear with me a moment... Say you have a person with 100% white lineage, but they have a random mutation and come out looking black in America. They are forced to deal with the systems that punish people for being black in America. They have to live as a black person in America, even if they identify as white, or as not having a claim to the same struggles of actual black people in America, because they have the privileged of white parents and a white history or whatever they personally feel. What is the utility in trying to say that the racism leveled against this person can't correctly be called racism, because you want to make the argument that it's individual and not systemic the moment it happens to hit this person in particular? What is the point of going out of your way to exclude them? Are you sincerely trying to make the argument that systemic racism isn't impacting them? Now imagine that -like being trans, and unlike being black- there is no personal history involved because it doesn't impact whole family lines like race does, so there's no history of slavery or history of financial disadvantage from your parents and grandparents having also been trans. It's just you and the aggression, abuse, hostility, lack of support, lack of medical understanding etc that you face over the way you are seen, socially or on paper by other people. If a bank is in the habit of denying loans to black people, do you think this hypothetical person will be able to get a loan from those banks because technically both their parents were white? If someone wants to deny service to anyone they see as a trans woman, do you not thing that impacts ANYONE they happen to view as a trans woman? And when the systems of power that are in place to help them to deny service to people who they perceive as trans woman happen to land on someone who technically isn't, do those systems cease to be trans-misogynistic in those instances? Yes race is a construct, but it is also an identity. And gender and sex are also constructs and identities. And when it comes to the personal AND SYSTEMIC harms you face, how other people view you, socially or on paper is the factor that determines how you are treated by other people, not how you see yourself. Yes "colourism" is also a thing, but are you going to try to tell me with a straight face that the daily aggression this hypothetical person would face can only rightfully be called colourism, when that term is for a slightly distinct phenomenon, and the people being racist to this person are straight up just being racist? Are you actually going to try to argue that systemic racism doesn't impact them? That they are exempt? Now in real life you don't typically have whole other demographics of people easily and consistently mistaken for being black as an entire group, even if it happens to other brown people on an individual level, because race is a construct, yada, etc... But when it comes to sex and gender you DO have whole demographics, like cis or trans intersex people, non-binary, trans mascs, etc who CAN and ARE habitually taken for being or potentially being trans women in far larger numbers than you are imagining, so what is the UTILITY in stubbornly crying about not being allowed to label them as "exempt" from these systems of harm? If someone got habitually taken for Black or Asian in spite of their actual genetic history, would you go out of your way to say they are "racism exempt"? No the fuck you wouldn't. This is useless infighting.]

There are VERY limited instances where people commonly mistaken for trans women might not face quite the same level of harm if they have id they can pull out that says otherwise, if they are believed about it, but that doesn't make those handful of things the only things that "count" as trans-misogyny, and I do not understand why you would want to make that argument.

With something like sex and gender that is so constructed with so much in between that is so up to subjective interpretation, you are going to have entire groups of other "identities" that are impacted regularly by the same systems and systemic oppression as the target group, by the exact same biases, not similar, not "overlap" but literally the same targeted hate because the people doing the targeting cannot tell them apart, literally by people and systems knowingly and narrowly trying to punish trans women specifically.

Your refusal to acknowledge this at this point reads as you willfully trying to pit trans women against everyone else in order to isolate them from the queer community when they are at their most vulnerable in recent history.

I'm about to start biting people.

[ankhmeanswombman]

When the Self has an unresolved split or alter living within, it will seek out content that will irritate the main ego-inhabitant of the soulless vessel they steer in this realm. The Seventh Hermetic Principle is everywhere and it's physical manifestation is transforming which provides fertile ground for the uninitiated and clueless to spill their recycled jargon out into the world. The content sought out by the alter within a soulless shell will create an algorithm that will serve to awaken the main as to who else lives inside the meatsuit. It is a cry of "hear me out" and "reconcile". Perhaps a cry to wake up. When they shout "mentally ill" at another physical person, they are really echoing that sentiment back to their own Self which it was directed to in the first place. The part of them that is new-age/Aquarian, is at war with that which is "traditional". Everything is a mirror so the self-hater will seek their own image out externally to project their venom upon. Healing really is that hard when you're soulless. The main does not listen to the alter and is often confused about why their algorithm is the way it is, because anger has become a chemical addiction. In the olden days it was moreso constant chatter to neighbors and friends about a topic that frightened them (the fear alchemizing into rage of course, and rage alchemizing into hate in a never-ending loop). Now in today's age where the mind's loud dialogue can be spat out through the internet dimension, the fractured complainer will mindlessly scroll through content by those who accept that particular part that the seething viewer is trying to hide within their own self, but scrolling isn't enough because the viewer just has to manifest their banal self-loathing thoughts in the form of comments, lengthy ones oftentimes, which shows how dedicated the viewer is at self-sabotaging by viewing that which does not spark joy. But of course this is what happens when multiple spirits inhabit one fleshly vessel. On the flip-side, chronic overidentification syndrome is a also major result of being corrupted by your own anger instead of following the light of the Love Frequency and listening to that which needs to be reconciled within. Labelling is a form of self surveillance because the label always needs to be lived up to, and those who reside in Infinity ♾️ can never reduce themselves to a single broken part. The Whole Ones will always terrify the broken.

[mourningobject]

re: your post saying you have nuanced takes on proshipping; what nuance is there to not wanting csem/abuse/incest/etc written for entertainment and fandom without tact. "dislike both sides of the argument" perhaps it's my black and white autism thinking but genuinely what is there to dislike about not wanting twitter users to romanticize various forms of abuse. i am asking this not as some random hate anon but as someone who is considering whether or not to break mutual; i do not want anyone who can even slightly be okay with abuse for entertainment around me; and therefore am asking clarification.

Putting this under a cut because I don't want a biggie made out of it. TLDR; I dislike pro-shippers as people and think they are disgusting scum, but dislike anti as a label due to the rampant hypocrisy and occasional lack of nuance regarding if and how to portray sensitive content in art, as well as the performative behaviour & the lack of curating of their online spaces.

I've learnt to stop caring so much about what other people do even if the content they create makes me sick to my stomach. I do not agree with creating such content without tact or for the sake of making their dicks hard. But I just won't interact, I'll block. I also don't see how this material can be considered "abuse for entertainment"... unless you're talking about the abuse within the content.

But I understand your concern. You don't want someone perverse to be by your side. To elaborate on what I meant, the problem isn't with the concept of someone simply disliking seeing such things, that's more than fine. I just don't either as a Label, fundamentally.

Antis are more often than not performative and reactionary online (particularly the ones fixated on the subject, or with uncovering others as secretly being evil and such to the point of sending others retrospring asks like "Uuum, why do you follow [so and so]" and not even giving the @ for the person to block them and assuming the worst of them to the point it comes off as fake advocacy on their behalf. Especially when I myself follow artists who create questionable content once in a blue moon, but if it isn't their entire catalogue does that make me evil? These people aren't and will never be my friends. This is something that happened a lot on twitter, especially a few months ago. I understand the fear of being close to someone who's morals don't align with yours, but if you genuinely have concerns you may as well dm them instead of making a spectacle out of it), especially when most of them turn around and indulge in content that borders on the same, or even downright degeneracy on the side, as well as comparing it to genuine real world abuse or feeling it important to mention in cases that are totally unrelated where a person has committed actual crimes which is like, well, both can matter, but is now the time? I'd say it only counts in cases like that of Lily Orchard, where what she portrayed in her works was a reflection of her disgusting self and abuse she'd committed in real life. I don't believe in fiction not affecting reality because that is a redundant way to view art, as well as due to how art can reflect the creator's subconscious views, or normalize things to them, and they'll repeat again and again, "it's just fiction!" as if that makes it any better that they get off on the things they do. But these people will exist no matter what and so will the content they create, so antis should learn to actually curate their online spaces rather than getting into useless discourse, particularly teenagers who won't be able to change the minds of degenerate adults, or make a big deal about it publicly to show how they have the moral high-ground. Not to mention, countless antis I've seen are hypocrites who end up being revealed to believe this doesn't matter at all in the real world, or are friends with people who engage with pro ship content, but will harass others for it...? It's the rampant double standards that I don't like. Plus, a lot of media that antis love has elements that would be considered "pro ship" like nitro chiral games, and targets those audiences specifically, but they are surprised when the people it is made for interact with it. Of course I believe one can engage in media with disgusting things while being critical, though; I am an Ensemble Stars fan. There is shota-bait and incest all over the source material. That doesn't make me inherently sick because I'm not there for that, I understand that.

Also, most antis dislike these concepts being portrayed in media altogether, which is something I disagree with. If handled well these are experiences that deserve to be shared to others. Many victims have internalized so many horrific thoughts that they can't help but handle it imperfectly—that's something they have to deal with in therapy, though, why should I be the one to try to open their eyes as if it won't push them deeper into the hole they're in? You know?

There's also the thin line between "dark content" and "proship material". Who has the right to define this? (Obviously CSEM being inherently immoral is a given). That's all, mostly. There's more I've thought about before but I'm forgetting right now. I think both sides are worthy of critique and simply find most self-identified antis annoying, not nearly in a way that is as egregious as their counterpart, to be fair. I'm too busy simply being a Normal Person who also shakes his head in disdain when I see things like that. Even though I have mental problems regarding this sort of thing. I'm not saying to "not be sensitive", but to "not be stupid".

I think pro-shippers should stay away from antis because they are mostly children and victims themselves at that, and antis should stay away from pro-shippers because they are disgusting adults who will never be saved or changed by their protests.

My questions in this post are rhetorical even though I suppose I'm open to discussion and further elaboration but I think it's more than enough to show where I stand and whether you want to stay as my mutual or not. But that's essentially why I don't self-identify with either. Also, this could have used a dm, but I'm happy to explain my views. I’d at least appreciate an anonymous final verdict, though!

[bandzboy]

it's a difficult topic but i personally feel like at a certain point, openly supporting the idols still makes you complicit in a way. there's degrees to this, of course, but kpop is built on fanbases' effort. personally streaming some songs might even have less of an impact than openly supporting idols, maybe even creating content like gifs and videos, and pulling in other fans to keep platforming them. kinda like not buying a product on a boycott list but still raving about it (and with idols their personhood/idol persona is so tied up into the end product of the music that it's basically impossible to separate). social media silence would be a lot more impactful than just limiting streams, but there's no way that's gonna happen.

this situation is not like the loona situation, because the idols are not the victims here, but are, to varying degrees, actively complicit/silent and enjoying the benefits from that (while people who speak out are being punished). this is a very harsh statement, but most people, and most idols, do care more about their comfort and careers than any social cause not directly affecting them and would rather not speak out.

it's an uncomfortable situation, but i think it's an extremely important conversation to have, and keep having, and keep in mind. even if you don't wanna completely boycott your idols, fans need to be fully aware of what that means, from both sides. even if people come to the conclusion to still openly support and promote their idols, even if they don't stop collaborating with zionists, they need to consciously know what that means and not look away because it's an uncomfortable truth.

i genuinely can see where you are coming from and that's maybe in part i have been feeling so disconnected from groups nowadays and it's because i do also think about this. i just hate that there are variables here which is like some of them might not support this and be against it but there isn't much they can do about it or they do and genuinely don't care my problem with all of this sometimes is not knowing what any of my faves actual stand for. this side of the kpop industry that annoys me severely it's how they essentially make idols to not be political or any of the sort so we don't exactly know what they stand for most of the time. i get some of them might make an effort but it's still not a huge display of anything if you get what i mean. and we always find ourselves thinking of whether or not we are supporting someone awful bc that has happened many times in diverse situations and then the fans feel bad for not knowing and like how can you feel bad when they are actively hiding that from you? and i mean it's insane how so many groups nowadays have international fanbases and these labels always are oh so proud of this but then don't care about what international fans have to say or how we feel especially fans who are targeted by their race and when these idols do something out of pocket and we want a statement there's no accountability or genuinely no effort on their part to make anything right. and this brings me to this like, it's obvious that are fans that are palestinian in kpop spaces and some of them are leading these boycotts and when these boycotts get bigger, which they will have no doubt in that, i wonder what they will do or if idols will say anything at all because how can something be so in their face and then don't say anything at all STILL? and that's when i will genuinely give up. but truly, there are certain things that should maybe be reevaluated about this boycott but truly i am just trying to especially hear what Palestinian fans want because their opinions matter the most here i don't really know what else to say or to add but i do agree that this is a conversation that should be brought up in this context because we have to evaluate all possibilities unfortunately

[hamausagi]

arsene to johanna for kai, hecate to loki for eiji :3

YIPPEEE THANK YOU FOR THE ASK :DDD

arsene: has your oc ever been wronged by those around them? how bad was it? does it still affect them?

yes. when her family was the subject of an anti-ska'drin mob, kai was abducted and sold into an underground fighting ring and forced into 'dogfights' with other ska'drin captives. the tattooed barcode is still present on her left cheek, and she often has night terrors about her time there

zorro: does your oc remember their past, if they have one? do they miss it? how do they feel about it?

kai misses her childhood and her family with everything in her. she would do anything to erase what broke her family apart and robbed her of her parents and her little brother. half the time the only thing keeping her going is the thought of revenge.

captain kidd: does your oc have any scars or injuries? where do they come from? have they healed? how do they feel about them?

kai has countless scars from her time as a fighter, and she hates every one of them. she often covers the visible ones on her hands and arms with gauze wraps and scraps of fabric

carmen: what's your oc's relationship with their own body, in general? do they have any true confidence in their own appearance?

i think kai is pretty comfortable in her own body and appearance aside from her scars, but it took her a while to get there. there was a long time after she escaped the fight ring where she felt disgusting in her own skin, but now she's able to deal with it a lot better.

goemon: is your oc partial to the arts? which ones? do they actually partake in them? do they see meaning in them?

kai doesn't really so much art, unless you consider her guns, explosives, and other mechanical creations art. i think the only arts kai actually enjoys and finds meaning in is music. when recovering at the thousand hands guild, she learned how to play piano and it's stuck with her since

johanna: what are your oc's religious beliefs, if they have any? are these beliefs commonplace where they live? do they practice this religion?

she isn't religious, and lost any capacity to believe after her family was taken from her

-----

hecate: what's your oc's experience with sexuality? how do they feel about it? do they wish they could change it?

eiji has only ever been with one person, which is katsumi, and before that was never really interested/thought about it. he doesn't really care about labeling himself, all he cares about is that he loves someone and he loves him too.

kamu susano-o: what's your oc's true passion? how do they pursue it? how did they acquire it? at what cost does it come?

eiji often feels kind of lost, and doesn't know what his purpose is. he would probably say his passion is cooking or something

anat: where's your oc's self esteem at? high? low? why? what, or who, does it depend on?

eiji's self esteem is pretty much nonexistent in the way that he really doesn't care what happens to him. after he failed to follow the shogun's orders he's just been on the run and not sure what to do with himself. he knows he's alive, he knows its hard for him to die, and he knows he doesn't really belong with humans. he was made to be used, so he just tries to be useful in his own way

prometheus: how does your oc cope with guilt? with loss? with loneliness? are they able to reach out to others for help?

eiji copes with guilt by immediately trying to make it right. in his mind, if he's messed up, he needs to rectify his mistakes as soon as possible, there's no sense in sitting and feeling bad and letting whoever he wronged feel bad too. he doesn't reach out usually ever, he just handles it himself

astarte: how does your oc feel about their bloodline? their parents? do they have a legacy to uphold?

eiji is ashamed of his 'bloodline', to say the least. that's one piece of guilt he won't ever be able to fix. after hundreds of years, he still doesn't know whether to hate the shogun for creating him just to discard him, or feeling like he deserved to be discarded

loki: does your oc believe in revenge? in retributive justice? in punishment? at what cost? for whom?

it would have to directly affect him or someone he loves to seriously seek out revenge.

[sorcerous-caress]

hope this isn't weird to ask but how long have you been writing and how old are you? did you ever take any courses related to writing or have you been improving through writing as a hobby?

Hey it's not weird at all, I'll happily answer!

I'm 20 years old, and I have been writing non-continuously since I was 12.

My first fic was written with colon punctuation for spoken dialogue instead of quotation marks bc I didn't know what those were at the time. For example:

Bob: nice weather we're having today (he said with a smile)

Bob2: I signed the divorce papers, they're on the counter. (Sighing at the other's stubbornness)

I posted it on wattpad.

Afterwards, I never wrote anything else, but I learned about Ao3 and kept enganging in fandom spaces. At 14, I joined roleplaying group chats, which made me think and write faster to keep the rp going. Eventually, it became one on one rp with another person where we would take our chat history log, freshen it up a bit, then post it as a fic.

By 16, I joined a fandom server with a semi serious writing subcategory in it. People more experienced and much older than me would beta for other's story. It's where I picked up the habit to write drafts in google docs so I can easily share the link for a beta reader to add suggestions to.

I still haven't written another fic by then, not by myself, at least. I got very insecure at the time about my writing and lack of knowledge. Mind you, I joined the server, not knowing what punctuation was. It took several beta readers adding punctuation for me until it finally clicked that I should use it.

It felt like I was an outcast in a way? Sure, everyone treated me just as nicely as others there, but I noticed the little things that added up over time. Like how no one would react or talk about the stories I post, but if someone else shares theirs, then the entire server gushes over it. Or how one time I reacted to my own story with an emoji, only for someone else to mention how it's me who clicked it and I shouldn't do that. It was a very unhealthy environment for a 16-year-old surrounded by 30-20 years old, but I stuck to it because I wanted to improve my writing.

Even if I was ignored, they'd still beta for me as a chance to offer "constructive criticism." Artists can be very petty when a low skilled person joins them.

My skills improved, and I posted my second fic! It was nothing remarkable, but it felt like the first stone into the stairway of improvement, yk? I loved that fic, it was my crowning jewel.

But as a result, I started to hate writing. It was a struggle, I'd spend hours on two sentences while others on the server were bragging about their 50k fics. I hated my own inability to perform better, to write better.

I got sick of reading my own writing from the number of times I'd rewrite it in an attempt to format it better. I couldn't even bare look at other's writing or read fanfics on AO3 because I'd always compare their writing to mine. Break their style down and analyse it in an attempt to spot what I'm doing wrong.

I left the server eventually, abruptly too. It was for the better.

I swore off of writing.

For two years, that was true. I gradually came to reading fanfics again, but just looking at a blank document was enough to get me nauses.

By 18, Aot happened, and the boom in x reader fanfics.

Everything I've written up to this point has been ships. Not once did I consider the idea of an x reader. For a while, I used to scoff at it and label it as cringe, as if the ship fanfics I was reading wasn't cringe either. Elitism, I tell you.

I saw these request blogs and how posting on tumblr seemed less intimidating than AO3. How intimate it felt to have an anon talk to you about your own fic that you wrote for them, to have people discussing your writing and stories with you! And they ask for more!

Sign me tf up.

I started my first writing blog, and I didn't know shit. I learned as I went. The new formatting, the tumblr tag system, creating a masterlist.

How important presentation is in here.

In AO3, your fic has the same chance of being read as any other one. Only your description is there to judge it by. But on tumblr? The shiny bookcover was almost as important as the material inside. In here, you have to market your own fic, present it with a lovely bow on top, add a pretty eyecatching header, and all the right trending tags.

Luckily, it clicked easy for me. I used free domian paintings from past centuries to make my covers, and they stood out amongst the anime cover galore. It was a little pretentious, I admit, but I also was a little pretentious, so it's alright.

I played my cards right, answered requests enthusiastically, and delivered fics at a fast rate. Paid attention to what styles worked best and what genres attracted more attention. At that point, it was a numbers game for me. Play marketing right, and you'll win at capitalism.

It felt very degrading and dirty.

My personal style fazed out, and my fics had a sanitised safe for mass consume feel to it. It was written to appeal to you rather than written out of any real love or passion.

It was soulless garbage.

Not to mention at the time I still used the same unhealthy and needlessly convoluted writing method I learned from that server. Yes I cut ties with them but I still didn't have any other alternative writing method to use.

What's that? Just write however I want? Are you crazy? What like my 12y old self wrote on wattpad? My 18y old self would rather die than actually be true to themselves.

I was extremely insecure and afraid of being labelled as "cringe" I completely ereased any stray stains of personality that managed to trickle their way down into my writing. Not once did I write for myself during that time, and not once did I actually enjoy a single piece I made.

I hated all of them, I couldn't bear to even read the fics I wrote. But I still made more and more to appease the requesters, still forced myself to sit and write each morning for hours on end.

A tight timeline, an exhausting production and no friends or hobbies to fall back into and relax. It was a fucking nightmare.

What ircked me the most was how people would just keep requesting more without a thank you or even a fuck you afterwards. It's like it's a fast food drive-through and I should be grateful for any attention I get.

But I never said a word. I never complained because complaining drives away people and engagement. No, I needed to keep my happy chill imagine and never show any emotion or talk about my struggles in real life or writing.

Instead of realising I hated my writing because of its lack of essence and soul, I convinced myself instead that it's because my skill level is still too low.

So I searched online. I found writing courses I couldn't afford, and neither could I ask my family for money for anything at the time because of personal reasons.

So I put on my pirate hat.

Apparently, people don't bother uploading the scam writing tips courses to pirate websites. That's fair.

Instead, I pirated books from famous authors talking about writing. Read them and tried to apply their methods, ignored my own preferences, and wrote to fit their subjective standards of what good writing is.

I signed up for free trials courses that didn't require a credit card and copied every single file into my hard drive before the trail ended.

I had so much material to study. I watched youtube videos about writing. I really really tried everything I could.

But I still loathed every fucking word I put down on these pages.

And I hated how a general advice in writing was to "follow your heart" what is that supposed to mean? I can't do that. Others do not like my heart, It has been proven many times before so how about you just give me some useful advice instead you useless wrinkled piece of shit book?

.

..

...

You can't force or fake creativity.

You can fake an elegant writing style, you can copy interesting lines from famous books and apply them to your own writing, you can include every trendy word in all the right places.

But you can't fake creativity.

I wished I was 12 again. Writing fics on wattpad, where my style was worse than garbage, and yet I loved it. People loved it.

Because it was garbage with a soul, a garbage that had empty chocolate milk bottles and spilt sprinkles. A garbage that showed personality and where my priorities were. With kids' fingerprints in colourful paint and a toddler's fridge artpiece.

A garbage that mirrored my love for the art.

And I ruined it. I traded it all for stupid punctuation that I didn't even care for.

I was happy.

Like every other probome in my life, I ran away.

I hit my breaking point. The requests were never ending, the studying and writing books were getting more and more pretentious and contradicting themselves. I barely had time to eat, I don't talk to people or go outside.

I do not have the time for anything, I missed having friends.

I left the blog. I stopped writing, it was too anxiety inducing.

I got into videogames again, I enjoyed the text heavy ones. I chose to ignore what that implied.

They were so...beautiful.

And fun!

I made some friends, I was happy for a while.

Then, one of my favourite characters in my video game mentioned missing their parents, how hard the funeral was.

It hit home.

I'm not writing, I convinced myself with a lie, I'm just gonna put down my thoughts on them...in a google document.

See just around 1k words, easy peasy. I AM NOT WRITING. It doesn't count.

But I did write it. Not with any calculated formula or method. I wrote my thoughts like how I hear them in my head and what I felt, what I imagined the character would feel.

Then, I added some dialogue, trimmed the corners, and sprinkled in euphemism.

It was simple and bare, vulnerable.

I posted it. It never got much traction.

But I was happy, I liked it, even loved it and kept rereading it.

I was 19.

I nervously showed it to my friend. They mentioned how much they can't stand reading books or fics because the words overwhelm them courtesy of their ADHD.

But they managed to read mine. Very smoothly.

Because my style, my own personal style that is set to my preference, makes me write in small paragraphs and straightforward. I never linger on details or focus on one thing for too long, I always give breaks and seperate events from each other.

And it clicked for this one person who struggled with reading, a style that will get criticism in any serious writing circle for being too simple or childish.

They liked it.

I hate needless convolution.

I just turned 20 years old, I asked for Baldur's Gate 3 early access as my birthday gift.

I received it, I played it.

I fell in love with its writing.

Then I made this blog, and I promised myself not to follow rabbits into any holes again. To reject the requests I don't want, to write because I love to, because I find it interesting or fun.

To never feel obligated to any thing or person. Only write if I want to, only post it if I want to. And if I don't want to? Then I simply won't.

And yes this blog gets much less attention than my first one but the people in here, the anons and my readers, they interact much more with me and my writing. It feels much better to have a handful of people genuinely excited and curious about your stories than a hundred people who would only leave likes and leave.

I have never touched a writing course or a helpful book since then. I block every writing tips blog, I see. I hate each and every single post about writing tricks and immediately skip past it.

I don't care if I improve anymore. I don't care if people don't read my stuff. I do not care if my style degenerates so much and reverts back to wattpad. All I care about is the fact I love writing and I enjoy it, I plan to keep it this way.

-

It's also funny that I'm writing in English since I when I first started writing at 12 it was in Arabic. My first fic? In Arabic.

And I was willing to go down that road yk. Keep true to my heritage and culture, write in my own beautiful language.

But. I wrote about queer topics and stories. Homophobia is still a massive thing in our society. My story was more infamous and taboo than famous and beloved.

I had so many people coming to my dms to "educate" me about religion and sin. How what I'm doing is wrong and the message I'm spreading is haram.

It was funny at first especially when it was the quran that made me want to write in the first place. Because it's actually a collection of poems! It just loses its rhythm when translated to English. It was so beautifully written, I'd listen to it always as a kid.

But then those dms became unbearable and I decided to learn english to join the western fandoms instead. A 12y old just deciding to fuck it and learn a whole new language to write gay fics.

A lot of my struggles in writing at 12-17 was because I was still learning English at the time.

This was fun. Thank you so much for asking this, anon! I had the chance to reminisce about the past.

I made so many mistakes. But I'd rather having made them and reached this point of content with myself than not having made them at all.

[asexual-means-no-attraction]

Yo, I'm a trans man and I just found your blog. I'm super excited to see what you have to say about sexuality!

I recently accepted myself as Demisexual and I often get mocked for it when I tell people because to people that aren't, I'm sure it sounds really confusing or dumb but it make perfect sense in my head.

I thought I was asexual for years then suddenly I was attracted to my current partner and I had no idea what was happening. But even when I was, something still felt off. I loved him, but I didn't want to be physically intimate, it scared me.

So I thought maybe I'm still asexual, or just sex repulsed after all?

But as years passed something suddenly clicked and I WAS attracted to him sexually too and I repeated the cycle of not knowing who I was. I didn't, and hadn't felt that way about anyone before. I mean, sure I've had aesthetic crushes here and there but I had no desire to be with anyone physically, even my boyfriend, until almost three years into our relationship and I developed a trusting bond.

Someone finally had to tell me when I explained the situation what demisexual was. And I'm happy with it!!

But it also kinda scares me, because it walks the line between being sexual and not, and a majority of people aren't willing to wait years for you to be ready, you know? God forbid if anything happened to my boyfriend, which I don't think it will but I can't predict the future, it's pretty hard to find other demisexual people, if I'd even want to date ever again, seeing how falling for him was a surprise in itself.

(I'm aware I'm just kinda going off but I thought explaining my situation would help anyone who reads your blog understand what demisexual is if they didn't know before)

What's your take on demi? I didn't see it anywhere in your blog while I was kinda exploring, I'm very curious what your opinion may be, if you don't mind sharing, of course!

I hate to break it to you friend, but I'm gonna disappoint you. While I won't tell anyone what they are or aren't-- that's something only you can figure out and determine for yourself. I take demisexuality with a grain of salt. There's a post in my faq somewhere about it.

I don't know your story and I won't pretend to be an expert on anything. But not being comfortable with intimacy until a good amount of time into a relationship isn't rare. And I don't think it's fair to those who struggle with it to call it a sexuality. It's something that can affect people for a long time, if not their entire, life. And it's something that will create personal boundaries in any relationship, romantic or otherwise.

I had some severe intimacy issues with romantic relationships up until I came out as male due to my gender dysphoria. I have a friend who has intimacy issues due to trauma. Someone else who has it due to sensory issues.

And it can make relationships so difficult. Because as you said, not everyone is going to be patient enough. And that's ok. It sucks but it's ok. Because there are people out there who will be patient, who can respect your boundaries, and who can love you as you are.

Renaming intimacy issues as demisexual takes away the real problem that this causes people. It tells people that the don't actually have a problem. It can be very insulting. It also falls into a very dangerous area where someone can become and stop being demisexual-- ie. You can change your sexuality. Which will lead (and I have seen this already happen in liberal open minded spaces) to people saying the same thing about being gay or trans. That you can stop being or choose to become gay is extremely homophobic. And likewise for other labels.

Now not everyone I've seen who has used demi has used intimacy issues as their reasonings. I've seen someone say they were demisexual because they didn't fall in love with someone as soon as they meet them. A majority of people don't fall in love at first sight. The most they might get is infatuation. Which will very quickly disappear if they aren't compatible. A majority of people need a while before gaining a strong crush. This same person would get crushes within a week of knowing someone which made their whole reasoning feel convoluted.

In general I get pretty nervous when people make whole labels about how someone experiences their sexuality. Specifically when they treat it like it's own sexuality outright. Not being attracted to people/comfortable being intimate right away is a descriptor. It describes how you experience your attraction. Existing outside of the 'who' that your attraction is directed at. A gay man who doesn't want to kiss on the first date is just as gay as one who insists on kissing right away. They don't need separate labels or sexualities.

Making separate identities for how someone experiences sexuality/what their boundaries are gets confusing. The new labels often contradict, getting different definitions dependng on who you ask thus defeating the purpose of a new word. The new label sometimes tells people with legitimate attachment issues that there is nothing wrong with them (someone can and will be able to love you even if there's something wrong with you. It's not bad to have someone wrong with you). There becomes so many labels that no one can keep up, making it harder to organize support groups, give out funding, find support, and actually feel connected with others who are like you. It leads to further division and I've seen it cause people to ignore each other's struggles (everyone claiming to have it the worse which helps no one). Mogai is the worse offender of this, but demi still contributes.

By the most popular definition of demi, a majority of people would be demi. Most people can't fall for people through dating apps. Most people need time before they can be intimate. Lots of people need time as friends before they even WANT a relationship. It can be a bit deceiving with TV and church and just society structured as it is sending confusing messages. Teenagers/young adults often get caught up in infatuation and confused sense of self causing them to put more worth into relationships then they should.

I definitely get feeling alienated if it takes you years to develop a crush. I've genuinely been there myself. But it's not a new sexuality. Nor do I think it needs to be a new label. Especially when we already have words that describe that much better, with more accuracy, and that can help people find solutions/ways to figure themselves out a lot easier.

I'm happy you have a good partner. And I hope you two all the best. You deserve someone who loves you as you are. I'm happy that you find comfort that you didn't before. I personally however, find myself getting increasingly frustrated with demisexuality as every person tells me a different definition and often times explains to me concepts that already exist.

[picklesttrpg]

(temporary) Introduction!! to PICKLE'S WORLD

Hello!!! I'm Pickle! (Or rather, The Pickle God)

And I really want to develop my own world and make a TTRPG out of it! With an entire system and all!

Hence I'm the literal god of pickles, I won't waste time with labels and stuff like that, I am a pickle. And I ramble a lot, sadly

Ngl I'm really new to tumblr, so like hang in there with me please! I'm learning as I go, like I discovered formatting text just a few days ago.

What Pickle actually wants

I have a world with characters, worldbuilding, all the juicy stuff including unecessary details. I have an entire web of morons, historical events and everything, and am working on many stories that happen all throughout it (Writing one as a personal thing, and I was publishing a webcomic over another one, tho thanks to irl stuff it's on hiatus rn)

I'm actually horrible with names, and even tho I've worked on the world for 6-7 years by now, I still don't have a name for it (please help). As most creators, I wanted to share it with the world, to get feedback and improve on it! Offer my silly little concept and pickles for everyone to see. But besides that I have one more dream.

My world is in one big busy city. Filled to the brim with wonky characters, all fighting for being more and more important than the other. (and really, individuality is rewarded whilst people who are passive and grey usually end up at the edge of the society) Everything from biker grandmas living out their wildest final years, aspiring children supervillains to singing popstar priests, worshipping an entity which lives in the stars. This is reaching lore territory, but in this world, everyone has to strive to be the best and most exciting version of themselves, otherwise their past might catch up to them.

I wanted my world to be a place for other *real* people to thrive in. To create a character (or multiple!), who can go do what they truly want (and suffer in the process) I think it's just so incredibly cool when other people make characters for your own world, where you can think about them interacting with everyone, participating in the events, and having an entirely new story to share!

I essentially wish my world could once be a place for others to create ocs for and roleplay in. (now there is more to it, obviously, but like how cool is that! someone 'moving into' your world and story!)

Why TTRPG then?

Now, I work on the world and stories all the time, but I've never had them in any publicly shareable versions. Additionally, I didn't know if people online would actually ever care. But that's the sweet benefit of tumblr blogs, from what I noticed. It can be a little unnoticed blog and it's just vibing and doing its own thing!

I have friends who are reaaaaaalllly into DnD and few other games like that. I've played with them, and know even some DMs!

Now, isn't dnd great? You make your own character, explore a new cool world with possible friends, do some cool (or mostly unhinged) stuff and literally immerse yourself int everything! Really, a roleplaying game like that seems a great fit for anyone who wants people to explore their worldbuilding and writing!

But personally, conventional dnd isn't for me, and the systems are quite complicated. And as fun and intricate as they are, I also know many begginers, who may get scared away or confused. I found Call of Cthulhu much more enjoyable! Including the system in it, it's been fun, especially the sanity mechanic, and also how it offered different type of challenge and roleplaying purpuose from dnd!

Additionally, I could never imagine adapting all the mechanics into my world, seeing as my own lore offers different playstyles and opportunities. (Like I can't even use the races and classes)

So, I've decided, with a help of few friends, to try and create a new-ish system, specifically built with my world in mind!

The goal is to be simple and begginer-friendly, to shorten the learning curve, but also give more space to people who want to roleplay and develop their characters.

One of the main 'concepts is' "If shit goes down, do whatever you can."

Conflicts can be resolved in any way, from fighting, reasoning to seduction, bribery, or even just a well timed kick to the nuts, poke someone's eye out with a paper. And I wanted a system simple enough to spare us most of the math and formalities, and one which would work the 'same' way regardless of the player's actions,

I want to focus on characters, city/environment exploration and putting players as protags into stories, which are more than "slay the dragon, save the village, rock on brother"...mostly cause my world would crumble under any actual adventurers.

These are just wonky people with minimum wage jobs, physical trauma and debt, living life in a world where everyone is forced to be the protag sometimes.

The entire system is in EARLY BABY STAGES! but I want to share it, and both report on how the testing in practice goes, but also possibly get some input and advice from you, *the internet people*, to make it the best it can be? This is a huge learning experience for me, and honestly, I'd just love to take you on the adventure with me.

So, are you interested in lots of worldbuilding and lore-heavy characters? Or would you like to help with creating a TTRPG?

If so, please join me on my adventure!

Aid The Pickle God!

oh and dw, i don't think i have the capability/skills nor desire to make this system/game thing monetizable. I do not ask for any money, but please, don't claim any of my characters or stories as your own. They're very personal and important to me. I want this system to encourage more people to try roleplaying like this, and promote character creation (alongside developing my own ocs), so especially the system, feel free to use it, and let me know how it went! would love suggestions and help with it, to make it the best it can be! And I want to offer my world too, but for now, I think it's still a bit too early for that. Please get inspired and make your own worlds and stories fun and wonky! But again, don't claim my work please :)

And now, Pickle out!

Worship and devour me, mortals!

[aggressivelyarospec]

hi, i need some advice. if you don't do this sort of thing that's totally okay I just didn't know where else to go.

I'm not arospec so I hope this is okay but it relates to it- and all the people I've asked that are also allo don't really 'get' it and it takes a lot of explaining.

so basically my bf is aromantic.i know that's contradictory but hold on here. So basically he's my boyfriend except we aren't actually in love with each other- we just do the other thing you know the thing that asexuals don't do- sorry idk what the guidelines are on this app-

and he's okay with being boyfriends because his family doesn't believe he's gay (he's not out to them as aro) and he wanted to like prove them wrong or something I really don't know, we were just like friends and also involved otherwise and then he asked if I would be his boyfriend

and I said, Aren't you aromantic, and he said yeah and explained it to me, but then he asked if it was okay if I was his boyfriend even if we didn't like each other romantically and I was like okay, because he's a really good friend and I was so single it was painful.

Now, here's the issue. I think I'm falling in love with him. AND HE's aromantic. I don't know what to do. I know we're not real boyfriends, but our interactions feel different now that we have that label, and I've always been attracted to him.

And for some reason, internally I can't differentiate between attraction and romantic feelings.

Should I tell him or would that cause more harm than good? Should I break up with him since it's going to create an impossible situation for him???? Should I just say nothing and live with my feelings forever?

I can't snuff out the crush cause I see him every day. You can only get rid of these things if you don't feed them. But I'm getting so fed. I just need some advice.

Again, so sorry if this is not allowed or formatted incorrectly. Good day.

Hello there! Our blog isn't meant for this type of thing, but we're always happy to help as much as we can, so you're more than welcome to write to us about what's troubling you, don't worry.

Now, I am aromantic in the way I understand your boyfriend is (the type of aro with 0 romantic attraction), so I'll try to answer from his perspective?, although I'd like to remind you every person is different, so this may not apply to him.

My go-to answer to situations like this is: talk to him. Honesty is one of the most important things in a relationship, no matter the label, and hiding these feelings from your partner is never a good idea because it can cause insecurities in both of you. But before you do that, though, I'd like you to reflect on a couple of things, if you don't mind:

1. I don't know exactly what your agreement was when you began the relationship, but I'd like you to think about why you keep referring to both of you as "Not real boyfriends". If that's what both of you decided to call it, it's okay, and please ignore this, but if it's only your perception, what exactly makes you not real boyfriends? Romantic love may be what brings most people together at first, but it's not enough to build a relationship/partnership, not even for allo people. And it's not the sex either.

You mentioned your interactions felt different. Why? What about the label made you change the way you treated each other? A boyfriend can also be someone who loves you platonically. Someone who, despite not being romantically in love with you, is in love with what you bring to his life and wants to keep you in it. A "boyfriend" is whoever you decide to call that, the same way you decide to call someone your best friend or your brother from another mother. Those labels only have the meaning you decide to give them and fuck with whatever society thinks of them. Do you really need to be in love with each other to be real boyfriends or what you have it's enough, even if no one else gets it?

2. What exactly are you hoping happens once you talk to him? You already know he's aromantic, and I doubt that changes if you confess to him, so are you prepared for his reaction, whatever it is? Could you handle dating someone you know for a fact isn't in love with you? Would you do it because he's important to you or just because you don't want to be single?

There are a lot of aromantic people in romantic relationships and they work because both sides are ok with the arrangement, but that doesn't guarantee your boyfriend is going to be ok with it, so think very carefully about what you'd like to get from him and how exactly could you meet his needs if you both decide to continue the relationship after the confession. Think about your expectations and communicate all that to him. Maybe talking to him will clear up your mind about the attraction vs. romantic feelings dilemma. And since I'm guessing you're in a relationship with him because you trust each other and care for each other, keep that in mind when you're thinking over all this stuff.

You don't have to answer any of what I wrote above to me unless you want to, but this is for you to reflect on. Those feelings are a big shift in your dynamic as boyfriends, that's why it's important you talk to him and renegotiate your relationship if that's what you both decide to do. Don't assume anything about him and whatever decision you come to, remember you need to do it together.

I hope this helps! Thank you for trusting us with this.

— Caro