#and wanting better of my connections and my discussions and my leisure time activities

[psalmsofpsychosis]

hiiiiiii hey hello i'm gonna start killing and maiming if i see one more person equating intelligence and a philosophical mindset in life and needing depth and substance in things with "being so privilaged and having a troublefree life" like, you're so fucking stupid get well soon <3 but also being intelligent and seeking substance in your everyday affairs and leading an ordinary life/paying fucking bills are not mutually exclusive concepts. I'm sure it hurts a lot of people to actually have to own the fact that they're just intellectually lazy comfort seekers but i have met extremely intelligent and sharp people who have been carpenters, plumbers, taxi drivers, beggers on the streets, homeless people, teachers on pansions, people with various forms of physical and mental disabilities, old people, children in abusive households who have profound ideas. Like, it's gonna sting something vicious to have to admit to your own stupidity and superficiality, to admit that your choice to rot within the impossible boundaries of your current worldviews and beliefs is a conscious, deliberate one that has got nothing to do with how much money you have in your bank account, but like. poor people can be fucking intelligent and have substance and depth, and in fact they do. While paying bills and working mcdonalds jobs. Attributing personal substance and wits to wealth and devaluing someone's search for meaning by calling them "privilaged and spoiled with no worries in life" only highlights how deeply you've bought into classism and high society's "poor people have no virtues and that's why they suffer, it's what they deserve for being good-for-nothings" idealogy.

[succulentsiren]

Practical Tips to Live A More Seductive Life: SucculentSiren x FemmeFataleVibe

It's my pleasure to provide this collab between FemmeFataleVibe and I. Seduction is a complex practice, so here we discussed new perspectives and ways to utilize it in your daily life. Thank you @femmefatalevibe for your enlightening knowledge. It definitely expanded my view on how to live more seductively.

What does seduction mean to you?

SucculentSiren: Seduction is using enchantment to attract a desired outcome. You can seduce yourself, by applying certain self-beliefs or you can seduce others by developing a captivating influence.

FemmeFataleVibe: Being seductive cannot be reduced to a behavior, way of dressing, or speech. It is a palpable yet intangible shift in how you see yourself and how you show up for yourself alone or out in the world.

✦•······················•

Topics

-Mindset

FFV: Embrace an abundance mindset. Perceive new connections and opportunities as complimentary rather than a source of validation or self-actualization. Living as a seductress is only possible when you know you create a complete life without others' permission. You've already filled up your cup, so you have additional energy to give and receive to those individuals and projects that are deserving

SS: It is crucial to have a ‘Winners Mindset.” Shift your mindset from expecting to fail, to expecting to win. Envision yourself receiving your desires. Having this mindset eliminates anxiety and doubt around your capability in attaining what you want. You must also know that you are deserving of the things you are attracting. Be patient regardless of external circumstances. Keep your eyes in the prize and remain firm in your self beliefs.

Surrounding self with things that elevate you (people, hobbies, environment, décor)

FFV: Release any shame surrounding your pleasure-seeking fantasies. For a seductive individual, there is no guilt in living in a state of joy, fulfillment, and regular indulgence. Remind yourself that you're entitled to enjoy nice things –from your outfits and beauty routine to your meals, workouts, and our home environment. You should (generally) derive pleasure academic pursuits or professional identity, goals, relationships (of all types), and leisure activities. 

FFV: Allow yourself to feel deserving. Show up as the person you strive to be. Hold yourself, dress, speak, act, and move through the world in a way you aspire to be. Stop people-pleasing and allow yourself to minimize yourself or your goals for the comfort of others. Your peace of mind is the most sacred element of your being.

SS: Whether you know it or not, your surroundings have an immense influence on you. Who you spend time with, what you talk about with your company, who you follow on social media, what decorations you have in your home, etc. Everything around you influences you. So choose to be surrounded by people and things that make you better. Know your strengths and weaknesses but appreciate and learn from others as well. Remove the people that see with lack, stress and fear. Befriend people who uplift, motivate and inspire you to see abundance and opportunity in all areas.

✦•······················•

Q&A

Q: Do you believe that being a seductive person has more to do with physical appearance or personality? How do you believe someone can show up as a more seductive person through how they present themselves – physically, emotionally, or socially? 

SS: I believe seduction is a combination of inner confidence, mental agility and an appealing appearance. Using seduction towards yourself can help with building self confidence and create a positive outlook on how you view yourself and therefore influence other people to treat you with respect.

FFV: I believe that being a seductive person stems from genuine self acceptance of your most authentic desires, unshakable inner confidence, and non-negotiable level of self respect. To embody these qualities, I believe that a seductive person's energy will radiate naturally through their personality into their physical presence through traits, including good posture eye contact, and mannerisms. Similarly, I believe that unwavering self-respect is a care aspect of being a seductive person. So, naturally, I think that a seductive person will embody their character traits through both personality traits like setting strong (healthy) boundaries and taking care of their appearance (excellent hygiene, prioritizing their health, remaining thoughtful when putting themselves together - clean, well-styled outfits, makeup, hairstyles, nails, perfume, etc.).

Q: How do you think you can be a more seductive person in areas of our life outside of your romantic or intimate endeavors? Do you believe that seduction is more of a libidinal or creative energy?

FFV: I believe cultivating your inner seductress/seducer will make you a better conversationalist, writer, speaker, dancer, athlete, chef, project manager, learner, etc. In my eyes, libidinal and creative energy are one and the same. So, I see creative energy, by definition, as the art of transmuting libidinal energy into areas of your life outside of the bedroom and romantic pursuits (think Napoleon Hill's concept of Sex Transmutation as an exercise of will-power in his book, Think and Grow Rich). I think you can be a more seductive person in any area of life that requires confidence, high energy, stream-of-consciousness-level focus (flow state), and, of course, creativity. Anecdotally, I've found that understanding that good writing is akin to good sex & sexual chemistry has been one of the best ways to up-level my professional skillset.

SS: Seduction is a creative practice of attracting your desires, sometimes through material and emotional lures. It isn’t always sexual, but since seduction stimulates emotions it can create pleasure. I believe a person can use seduction in various ways. When most people think of seduction, they think of manipulation or sneakiness but seduction is just a simple art of attracting what you desire at all costs. Having this mindset can help with becoming open minded and relentless when pursuing goals. Instead of settling and accepting what you don’t want, seduction shows you alternative ways to attain your desires and live a life that you truly enjoy. Using seduction in platonic relationships, can help you better understand the needs of others. Such as, putting yourself in someone else’s shoes. When you do this you make that person feel appreciated and heard. This quality alone enriches relationships, friendships and partnerships. Another example is disagreements. Seducers don’t have to argue, they listen and then strategize solutions that everyone can benefit from because no one wants to compromise if there's not anything that they too can benefit from.

[nickgerlich]

0 To 5 Billion

Twenty-five years ago, the number was 0. No, it wasn’t the temperature, in either Fahrenheit or Celsius. It wasn’t the inflation rate or the interest rate. It wasn’t the number of EVs that had been sold.

Nope, it was the number of people on social media. It simply did not exist. But data released earlier this year show just how much of a force it has become, because there are now slightly more than five billion people worldwide on social media, or 62.3% of the world’s population. It may not be Ferrari-like acceleration, but it is still pretty impressive.

The typical user spends 2h23m per day on 6.7 platforms. Of course, your mileage may vary, but those are the averages. Among Android users, they spend 34 hours per month on TikTok and 28 hours per month on YouTube.

And you wonder where all of your time went.

Overall, Instagram takes top honors as favorite platform, toppling WhatsApp, a popular platform everywhere but the US. Overall, we spend 6h40m a day online doing one thing or another. Based on my weekly screen time report that pops onto my phone every Sunday morning, I am above average.

All of this time has to come out of other things, since we are still kind of locked in at 24 hours available each day. Television watching is in decline, losing another 17 minutes last year. I suspect it is also coming out of interpersonal time, productive time at work, and leisure activities. Sure, we might figure out how to juggle things (how many of you keep a social app open on your computer while at work?), but let’s face it: You’re probably not dedicating quality time to either.

And since marketers go where the eyeballs are, digital ad spend grew by 10% last year to $720 billion. Social media ad spending was $207 billion.

So what does this say about us as a people? A lot. It says that we have changed considerably in a quarter of a century, that no matter how much we may naysay social media specifically, or this digital lifestyle more generally, we have embraced it all nonetheless.

Social media has become the way that people connect and reconnect. Yes, some people use it as a substitute for F2F interactions. Like it or not, this is how we do it, and in the developed world, it has become the de facto means of communication. When was the last time you sent a greeting card of any kind, such as birthday, holidays, anniversary, etc.? Do you even call people these days? My calling log grows more sparse with each passing year. Do you no longer feel the need to attend reunions and similar social gatherings, because you already know what your old pals have been doing thanks to their posts?

We get our news online. We find our entertainment online. We shop online. We get our recipes online. There’s not much we don’t get online. And the implication to marketers is clear as the world approaches digital totality: you either join the tidal shift in redirected advertising dollars, or run the risk of completely losing relevance.

But as we continue the transition, we must be cognizant of the fact that old-school methods of advertising, notably mass communication on broadcast or print media vehicles, is probably a waste of time and money. A shotgun approach to advertising means spending massive sums to spray messages in the general direction of people, hoping that you actually reach some of the people you really want. We can do much better now with targeted advertising. It behooves us to understand the users of each platform, and then utilizing all of the tools available, go after specific people. The audience of many has been replaced by the audience of one.

I know that this creeps out some people, as we have discussed multiple times. But as we approach the end of this course, we need to step back and try to see the bigger picture. This is where we are. Digital marketing commands an ever growing portion of all marketing activities, and I suspect that, while old-school methods may never go away completely, it will be the gorilla in the living room.

Discussion topics like this may summon comparisons to Black Mirror, the Jetsons, The Matrix, and numerous other pop culture touchstones. Those may very well have been prophetic; we just didn’t realize it at the time. If you are uncomfortable with change, you’re in for a rough ride ahead. I don’t see this crazy train slowing down any time soon.

I do hope that my students will ponder these stats, but more importantly think about what it all means. Things have changed even in just the three months we have been journeying together. It may not feel like much, but when you turn to look over your shoulder, you can see just how far we have come, not just in 2024, but in the last 25 years.

That little speck you see in the distance is where we were. We can’t go back there, and to try is futile. Zero may have been quaint, but we’re at five billion now and growing. What you do with that reality is up to you.

Dr “The End Is Near” Gerlich

Audio Blog

[strokes-of-everything]

The New York Times apparently featured an article recently about how ~American Theater is Imploding.~. With quotes from industry “leaders” about why people not seeing shows are committing moral failures for not doing so.

“The Greeks understood its part of one’s civic duty to attend theatrical productions!”

“JFK encouraged people to engage with the arts! Why aren’t you engaging????”

At the core, these sentiments essentially boil down to, “why aren’t you spending your time and money to see our shows, audiences??? Shame!”

I’m an aspiring theater and film director. I switched fields because I saw the promise of creating works of art that foster discussion and connection with the world around us.

Had I known we’d see the field devolve into what it is today, I would have stuck to economics.

Instead of stomping their feet and wagging fingers at the American people for not attending what these supposed experts deem to be worthy of our time and effort as a society, they ought to be looking at why audience engagement is so low.

First and foremost? Inflation and monetary pressure on necessities.

The arts are not a necessity when you’re struggling to feed your family and afford your house payments. Sorry, that’s just a fact of a life.

Anyone in theatre should know this, considering you usually have to study things like A Doll’s House and the rise of entertainment for the middle class at the start of the 1900s when earning a theatre degree. Industrialization increased income for a large chunk of the population so they could stop worrying about feeding their kids and instead have some pocket money and a little leisure time. We are now rapidly rolling back down the poverty hill, so people don’t have the time nor the money to spend on going to see a show.

Second, I can almost guarantee these people aren’t actively asking previous audience members why they aren’t coming to shows anymore. Why? Because when I have spoken to people at local theaters where I volunteer, who said they stopped going to Broadway and are sticking closer to home, it’s because they’re tired of shows telling them what to think and shoving certain material down their throats.

This second point is why I am actively regretting my life choices.

Theatre works best when it isn’t forcing an audience to take a certain viewpoint. Theatre works best when it doesn’t water down complex issues into motivational cat posters. If you want escapism without nuance, watch a Disney movie.

Theatre today is less about fostering debate and more about forcing political ideologies.

I want people to engage with and discuss my shows. I don’t want to indoctrinate them.

That is not what the Greeks used theatre for in their society. That is, “Hey, I’m the Sun King, and you better make me look good,” theatre. That is Fuenteovejuna theatre. That is not what JFK or anyone who understood the power of debate through creative expression meant when they said it’s part of your civic duty to engage with artistic productions.

That’s also why I mourn the great playwrights like Tennessee Williams, August Wilson, etc. They wrote with nuance. You understood the power of their plays in creating acceptance and connection and removing bigotry without it being shoved down your throat. No one openly engages with things getting shoved down their throats. And they tire of things very quickly when it’s the same stuff getting shoved over and over again.

Third, and finally, you have to find new ways to engage with audiences. Sleep No More did this and continues to excel. The National Theatre production of Midsummer also brought theatre-goers into the experience instead of having them sit for three hours in darkness while the actors had all the fun, which helped it to do well. We need more shows with participation elements in the industry if we want to innovate.

If the theatre industry could let go of proclaiming, “We’ve always done this and it’s always worked! Why aren’t you understanding we are right?!” and shifted to focusing on what audiences want to see now, maybe shows would see the engagement they desperately need. I don’t see that happening anytime in the near future.

[earthtooz]

hello!! how have u been doing? so i wanted to say something to make ur day better (hopefully <3).

think ab nagi asking u to come over because he noticed that u caught interest in one of his video games and he wanted to teach u how to play and how to master the game :( <3 but mainly bc he has the biggest crush on u (u also have a crush on him but he doesn’t know it yet bc he’s too oblivious)

but anyways once u get there yall play and have fun for some time but suddenly u get a phone call from ur friend and u excuse urself to take the call; u go to the kitchen and start talking to ur friend and everything and then suddenly the topic of your conversion turns to ur massive crush on nagi. so u start saying things like “i like him sm” “he’s so cute when he’s concentrated” or “he’s so JANDJWJD when he’s teaching me how to play” BUT u don’t noticed that he’s been eavesdropping on u long enough to ear ur little confessions (😩)

still not knowing that he overheard ur conversation, u go back like nothing happened and sit beside him. some time passed and it’s time for u to go home, but when u guys reach the door and are ab to say goodbye to each other, nagi pulls u close and kissed u (OSJDJWJDJEJR); not satisfied with the kiss he decided to pull u one more time, but this time u decided to do better and kissed him more feverishly- it just turned into a hot make out session ✨✨✨

he then finally says “i like u, yn… so much” AND WHEN I TELL U THAT U COMBUST RIGHT THERE. u tell him how u feel and now u guys have a date on saturday <33333333

just my nagi brainrot taking over me </3 sorry not sorry (if u can turn this into a fic i’d be forever grateful and love ur works btw! 💌)

-💋 anon (if u don’t have one!!)

hello hello 💋 anon, welcome to my blog !!!! if you wouldn't mind dropping ur preferred prns so i can add them to my list, that'd be great :)

anyways, i love this :((( best thing to wake to ever in the morning, especially since i was so mad at tumblr for all the shit it was putting me through. this brightened my day tho so thank u <3

nagi being a homebody makes imagining homely and domestic scenarios with him SO TASTY. his apartment is relatively clean and well-cared for, he has a minimalist lifestyle (not by choice though, he's just too lazy clean up after it otherwise).

but i think nagi is also someone who values his space and privacy, so when he asks you to come over and play some games with him- HIS NUMBER ONE LEISURE ACTIVITY- it's pretty obvious you mean a lot to him. well, to himself at least. you don't understand the memo just yet, but it's safe to say that nagi is overjoyed to finally have someone use his second player remote.

connecting another controller to the console felt surreal and it made him a little giddy on the inside. he grabbed whatever beanbags he had and placed them in front of his tv, setting up a little, but formidable space for the two of you to game freely.

you show up with his favourite snacks and he's ready to get on one knee and propose (you weren't even married), especially when you bring all of his favourite snacks. there's ramen in there too.

the night goes smoothly, thank goodness his setup is working properly, he doesn't use the tv very often to game but since you were coming over, a phone screen and monitor wouldn't be fitting. the clock eventually hits 12 am and nagi says he needs to take a shower, self-conscious about any stench that might come from him that would drive you away. it doesn't seem like the gaming is going to end any time soon, so you tell him to go and you'll chill for a while.

THEN, your friend shoots a text since you told them that you'd be going to nagi's for a hangout, asking how it was. immediately, you call them and they answer before the first ring and you retreat into his kitchen to discuss.

nagi's shower doesn't take too long, just a scrub down and he's back in action. when he reappears in the living room, you're still in the kitchen, too caught up in your ranting to realise that he can now hear you through the thin walls of his apartment.

you're saying things like 'i like him so much, he's so cute', 'he's so sweet, even when i lose', 'he's so funny that it makes him even more attractive!', and nagi is LOSING HIS SHIT. his heart is racing in his ears and he's cursing himself for it bc all he wants to hear is how you're gushing about him when you don't know he knows. shit, you were going to end him, nagi's sure of it.

when you return to the living room, you're a little surprised to see that your white-haired friend has returned. you immediately panic at the realisation that he could have heard you, but the way he's acting all nonchalant and normal indicates otherwise. okay... maybe you were okay.

the night continues on for another hour or so before you let out your first yawn, signifying that it was probably time for you to leave, despite neither party wanting for that to happen. nagi reluctantly gets up to let you out so you can go home, concerned for your wellbeing since it was so late already. he wants to ask if you could stay the night because he's so selfish but hey, nagi's human, and humans have desires.

but when he opens the door, it feels wrong to just hug you as a farewell, so without thinking, he grabs your face and pulls you in for a searing kiss. it catches you off guard, eyes widening for a moment before realising what was happening and melting into him.

without even seeing what he was doing, nagi slams his door shut and presses you against the wood for some kind of stability. you're not too sure when this evolved into a makeout session, but you hardly have any reason to complain, especially since nagi kisses you like he's been wanting this a long time.

it's between kisses that he murmurs a confession of 'i like you', pressing kisses against the corners of your lip in his delirium, unable to get rid of his need to be as close to you as humanly possible.

safe to say you stay the night, plus, you earned a date for saturday!

[vampiresuns]

raspberry tangerine and cucumber melon for Nana my beloved ❤️

(apprentice asks by candlelight)

Anything for you, Kani my beloved

🍊raspberry tangerine- what do they most like about themself?

His capacity to connect with others.

There's a couple of archetypes I really like for Nana (like the Secret Weapon, the archetype), however I think his most foundational one is being a deconstruction of this Mastermind/Grand Architect/Strategist men that we see in fiction who stand above the rest as if they were entirely self built.

It's one single genius who pulls the strings, and while they certainly have networks and people who work for them, they stand alone in at the top. I'm thinking about the spymasters and the last men standing and these genius like figures like Tyrion Lannister or BBC Sherlock. There are a lot of examples of this exemplary geniuses who work alone and have no equal. Characters whose flaws are excused and sometimes inexistent in the material, not because the character doesn't have flaws but because they're not all that significant.

And yes, Nana is extraordinary. I am very confident and pleased with how I've written Nana's complexities, bad or unhelpful character traits and his shortcomings, however. Nana's extraordinary. Nana's a savant. Anatole is a game changer. Yet Anatole is deeply, deeply aware of 1. how intelligence alone will not get him anywhere; 2. how he doesn't come from nothing. He has a sense of historicity and he honours that historicity. Nana is made of his choices; 3. He is aware of his strengths but he's also deeply aware of his shortcomings. He could be the smartest man in the world, and alone he will get nowhere.

There's people who hold more political power than him, there are people who are taller, stronger, more capable, who do not have to face very specific issues that he has to face (he is neuroatypical after all), and yes, even more smart. There's wiser people, people who are better prepared, people who simply have been doing this for longer. So he connects. He involves himself. He builds interpersonal relationships and he removes himself as his North and changes it, by choice, to People.

Anatole, thematically, exists as a character who begins a new "era", so to speak. What his mother began in Altazor, he was born to finish; what Arianamenzi began when she became the Consul, she is here to finish. He owes himself to everyone who came before him, and that has never meant his life is not his own.

If he is extraordinary is because others have helped him become so. And yes, Anatole is deeply Romantic and idealistic, but Nana's core is being a realist, and reality is he isn't the strongest, the smartest, the wisest, the fastest, or the most whatever, despite he is smart, capable and dedicated. He doesn't even want to be the Most of something, he wants to be extraordinary, and that is very different, and he isn't too prideful nor too hubristic to ignore his own shortcomings for the sake of his ego.

So it isn't the Mastermind™ and the Genius™ As Seen On TV which prevail. It's the People’s Man, the man who chooses to exist with others who does, it’s the man who is driven by love of People, the son of Louisa De Silva, the kin of his family, the man who chose to be kind and put his privileges and aptitudes to the service of others who does. 

Physically, though, that's probably his ass, his eyes, his lips and his tats. He is also very obsessed with his own hair.

🥒cucumber melon- what do they do to wind down after a stressful day?

Nothing. He means it. Nothing. He will absolutely indulge in the pleasure of leisure and non-goal oriented anything, unless that goal comes in the shape of his partner (lying face buried in tiddies is an excellent down time activity). He sits down with his family, has coffee, reads a book, has a bath, generates chaos, laughs a little, and discusses the philosophical transcendence of the immortality of the crab and the growth rate of weeds.

If the day has been particularly bad he needs to vent, though. He tends to vent about his job to whomever will listen whenever the day is packed (as packed as it can be), but that's just because he has to Complain to Complain. So he may skip it at times, but if the day has truly been bad he needs to vent.

[microbiologynerdd]

Effective Revision Methods - Learn Smarter NOT Harder

Hi everyone!

I hope you are all well! Lets jump straight into it!

Revision. The daunting task for every student, with the hardest thing being where to start. So, today I’ve decided to share with you my process, things that have worked for me, things that haven’t, and where to start.

What type of learner are you?

This is such an important question because you need to cater YOUR revision to YOU. This being visual, auditory or kinesthetic/tactile learning. If you aren’t sure just google ‘what type of learner am I quiz’ you can find hundreds of quizzes to find out. Or usually, you can deduce it from your current revision methods or the methods you know you defiantly hate. But remember you can be a mix, e.g. I’m both a visual and kinesthetic learner. Auditory learning is not my jam – seriously I hate it… haha. 

Once you know this you can make your learning EFFECTIVE, use your EVERY ADVANTAGE to learn content. No point listening to your notes if you are visual learner right? Catering to your style means that content which took you 1 hour to learn before could actually be learnt in 30 mins. Who doesn’t want SHORTER REVISION TIME but with the SAME quantity of information absorbed?

Ineffective revision methods:

1. STOP READING THE TEXTBOOK. – I’ve said it, your teachers said it, EVERYONE has properly said it. So STOP! This passive revision method well sucks. If you do not attempt to recall information from your brain you are not making ‘connections’ between neurones (cells) within your brain – or at least not at the rate you could be. More ‘connections’ = More information learnt (more or less).

2. Copying your notes – Not as horrendous as the devils spawn above, but still not ideal. You are not retrieving this information from your brain, and as mentioned above this is a really important factor.

EFFECTIVE revision methods:

This section is split into 2 parts depending on the type of assessment.

For multiple choice questions/ short answer questions:

1. Flashcards - Flashcards are my favourite. 

Writing the cards allows you to consolidate your learning, find out what you don’t understand and what you do understand. I recommend Anki or Quizlet for my visual/kinesthetic learners and recording your cards on your phone for my auditory learners. You can’t write a card on something you don’t understand! Once you’ve consolidated into cards you can go straight to learning! Skipping the time consuming and ineffective ‘copying your notes’ stage. More Time spent Learning the cards, rather than copying notes = more knowledge obtained, and most likely better grades! 

I know a lot of people are guilty of writing their notes out, then writing flashcards - me included. But this is essentially the same step. I’m not saying you wont absorb any knowledge from doing this, but you will learn more from practicing the flashcards... hence why you write them in the first place ;)

2. Practice papers/ Questions

Would you go into a driving test without ever driving a car before? No? Then, why are you doing this for exams? Practice papers don’t only allow you to test your knowledge but also practice your time-management during the exam. And if you are lucky sometimes questions can be repeated between each different exam years. FREE MARKS – HELL YES!

3. Focused group revision

I use the word ‘focused’ for a reason. Going to the library with your friends to ‘revise’ aka chat about last nights football game or the latest group gossip isn’t really going to help your grades – but you already know that. However, coming together, each with a set of questions, and asking each other about them will help. You will consolidate further the information you do know, and you will learn new information from your friends and vice versa. This method is great for kinesthetic and auditory learners.

For essay-based assessments:

1. Essay plan mind maps

Mind-maps. Mind-maps are a great way to plan potential essays for an exam, but you don’t want to be writing out full essays word for word. Hence why I recommend mind-maps. This style forces you to stay concise so you do not run out of room on the page. Try and keep 1 essay plan per page.

2. Recalling essay plans

Writing them is great, but no point writing them if you can’t remember them. So practice writing them out from memory and then fill in the gaps. Great for information learning but also great for structure learning too! This also helps you link ideas together, practicing what the you’ll be required to do in the exam. This is often a problem I find with using flashcards for essays, you are ‘triggered’ by the MCQ (multiple choice question), whereas in an essay exam you must create your own triggers to unlock the information you have learnt, from the previous sentence you have written

3. Essay plan lists: 

For my friends who hate mind-maps. I use essay lists – picture below. Simply write those mind map branches in a chronological bullet-point list. I use different colours to separate the information. Try and keep all the information on one page!

4. Group Study: 

This is the same as the group study above but this time discuss topics as a group, as though you were writing the essay aloud. Or work together to plan an essay together, using as much detail as possible. You will learn new phrasing and information from your peers. Use mark schemes too if they are available, but often at university level, they are not – a bit annoying I know.

But what if I love note taking/ reading from the textbook?

Okay, let’s make your note-taking a bit more effective. 

Write out your notes, but ensure you are consolidating and not copying. Copying won’t help. At the end of each page or each topic, write yourself a list of questions about the information you have just written. And then when you come to learn the information e.g. by reading it out loud to yourself hundreds of times; make sure you test yourself with these questions at the end and see what you can recall. This way you are still actively recalling this information.

My experience:

What I am trying to ‘sell’ you is this concept of active recall. If you actively recall something you are more likely to remember the information than if you are passively writing or reading. Once you have done this you need to go over this information at different time intervals i.e. spaced repetition. Anki – the flashcard app I mentioned earlier really helps me do this. If you want more information on space repetition or how I do this then let me know in the comments.

All of the above information comes from my education experience, I have tried note copying, reading my notes throughout GCSE and A level. Yes, they got me where I am, but using my time with efficient methods could have given my grades an extra boost like it has done at university. Once I took some time to look into ‘effective’ revision methods AND implemented them, my revision game changed – and so can yours.

 The information I’ve provided above is based on studies, not just some fairy-tale I have made up – This source and others online can show you the real positive impact active recall methods have on your learning. My explanations above are purposely ‘not sciencey’ but understanding this concept matters not the exact science. Active recall sounds like a big word, but its literally just testing yourself from the earliest opportunity.

Conclusion

I think by now you get the point and I don’t need to keep babbling on. But if you are to take anything from this post about revision is to:

1. Revise by the type of learner you are

2. Test yourself from the earliest opportunity.

Switch up your learning, make it exciting, make it effective. Then, you have more time to learn different content or for your leisure activities. More knowledge in less time!

As always you’ve got this!

Speak soon,

Lucinda x

P.s If you have any methods that work for you, mention them in the comments below!

[withteeths]

Maybe Steamrolling Games is Bad Actually

Videogames are unique in that they are inextricably tied to corporatism and have been since birth (this is an oversimplification but roll with it). This means that to an extent most companies even since the ’80s have never really cared about proper preservation or easy access to their titles. Nintendo carts were originally manufactured to have their battery die in 3 years so you would have to buy a new one (this failed, but it’s why you still see a lot of dead carts floating around). I think there's a nostalgia issue within the gaming fandom regarding "oh x was great back then" but a lot of the time, games manufacturers have been historically shitty and anti-consumer and it’s just that they now have the tools to execute it much more effectively. Regarding obtrusive DRM, that’s an issue PC games have had since their zenith, where if you lost your original copy of a manual or a small plastic key you could never play a game again because the codes were individualized for each copy and support would refuse to give you a new one. Even back in the arcades, there were particularly batshit examples like the CPS board, which I shit you not was built to explode a battery pack filled with corrosive acid if it detected you were attempting to repair or modify it. There’s a lot to say about the current state of games but what I would likely illustrate is that 2/3 major consoles are racing to decide who will be obsolete first. Games consoles are reaching a point where they are trying to emulate PCs with more restrictions and DRM. We're already seeing interest in steam spike again and it’s likely that eventually, we will see almost a crash for consoles where no one can justify the price for games they can play on a PC rig. The only solution I see there would be a merger between the two consoles which feels inevitable. 

That being said as interest in the PC space increases again so does attempts at entering the bubble. We have Epic, Origin, Microsoft, Indiegala, Itchio, and Steam all vying for attention, requiring accounts, and offering exclusives to justify the use of their storefront over others. Some people think this is a good thing because it's breaking up Steam's monopoly but it literally is not, if you ever really wanna hear me rant ask me about Leftist obsession with itch being some sort of ethical steam, which it is provably not. In the end, the real sort of saviour figures that work to preserve games are random ass people on the internet. I know people who automatically assume that at the end of the day, companies care about games preservation too, and they usually have a three-pronged argument that cites a) Steam’s ability to allow the redownloading of delisted games, b) retro companies periodically rereleasing titles for modern consoles in compilations, and c) companies doing limited reruns of a game that fans request. All three of these examples are basically an incredibly effective use of diversionary tactics, but most of the time when someone cites these I just assume it’s a misunderstanding and not outright malicious intent because a lot of the time companies will attempt to actively implant these ideas to build brand loyalty.

My main dissertation is usually that Steam is incredibly selective with what titles you can redownload, and most importantly, corporate benevolence is more-so a band-aid on a gaping wound! There’s no contingency for when Steam might migrate to a new service, go belly up, or become obsolete when a new OS is created. That means thousands, tens of thousands of dollars worth of games are just gone, permanently, along with fan mods, DLC, and content. It’s a terrifying thought that not many people bring up when discussing the problems with game storefronts that focus so much on providing a cloud and have DRM attached to every purchase. In a way, Steam preceded the trend of not allowing consumers to actually own the things they purchased, and they’ve avoided criticism by strategic use of silence and creating the illusion of a company being made by the consumers they’re attempting to serve. At the end of the day, Steam is a business, and if you ever lose access to your Steam account, or they decide to up and leave one day, you will not be able to play almost all of those games, even if you have them installed on a hard drive, because if you’re online, they connect with a server to ensure your steam account has the ability to play them. When it comes to other arguments like the limited rereleases or use of compilations to preserve arcade titles, I usually just beg people to look at community-driven options that have existed for years. The Scott Pilgrim game is a big source of contention, but I would point out that for years now, it was playable, for free, with all the DLC, on PCs. Preservationists didn’t wait for the gods of Universal and O’Malley to rerelease it for 30 bucks or save up to snatch the fucking ridiculous 200$ limited edition with shitty paper cut-outs, they straight up just did the work to make the game free and available. RCPS3 has (with a contemporary build) been able to run the game pretty flawlessly for years now, in fact, it was how I played through a majority of the game in high school on my shitty brick of a laptop. If you look further out than this one example then it gets even better, MAME and other emulation backends have been able to play obscure, unfinished, and homebrew titles with 100% accuracy, on almost any setup, for free, for decades! I found out about many of these options back in 2015 or so, certainly late to the curve, but I never really questioned as to why emulation, games preservation, and some key titles being available on PC remained some sort of arcane, unknown knowledge to most people interested in games. In the end, the answer was a highly effective propaganda campaign that combined with strategic use of DMCA takedowns has resulted in the concept of communal games-preservation and emulation becoming some sort of debate, where people will wholeheartedly side with corporations in some sort of quest for preserving things the “ethical and correct way,” which is code for preservation on the condition that it remains profitable for the IP owners.

 I think the best way to illustrate this would be with the community built around the preservation of an infamous PS4 title, PT. The story of its inevitable delisting from the storefront and the messy breakup between Kojima and Konami is well known, so I won’t regurgitate it, look it up at your own leisure. What is significant here is corporate reactions to attempts at preserving the game, which can basically be boiled down to Konami acting with borderline rabid fervour to prevent redownload, redistribution, or recreation of a seven-year-old demo, released for free download. Mentions of solutions to redownload the game have been taken down, fan-made recreations for PC, and archival servers that store a copy of the game for future preservation or emulation. Usually when this is brought up a debate occurs citing that technically speaking, Konami has a right to do this whenever they want, for whatever piece of media they believe infringes on their copyright. On one hand, yes this argument is factually correct considering the current state of copyright and ownership of media, but on the other hand, what compels someone to step into the ring for a multi-million dollar company with the primary argument being “well actually, people SHOULDN’T be able to play this specific video game until it benefits the shareholders”? In my opinion, it’s some sort of corporatized symbiosis where players believe that, if you cull the bad actors and play by the rules of the company, you may be able to eventually play the game a couple of years down the line. Sure, this has happened in the past with a few isolated cases, but it can’t be stressed enough that this is a genuinely dangerous and reductive position for people to take regarding games preservation.

 I have two colleagues, Mariken and Fotocopiadora, who released a short interactive title called Videopulp (playable here: https://fotocopiadora.itch.io/videopulp). It’s a dramatic reimagining of a real historical event, wherein a promotional event was held in 1994 at Lelystad to destroy bootleg carts by a figure in a Mario costume. This perhaps best encapsulates something I am pleading with younger generations to understand, as an archivist, art historian, and creator: corporations are not your friends, and they never will be. With the rise of online circles of leftism, this concept is starting to gain traction but is starting to be polluted with concepts of fandom and tribalism. This has lead to arguments that while *most* corporations are bad how could you say that about Nintendo? Or Valve? Mario is so innocent and characters like Wheatley are beloved by all! I feel some people don’t realize that they can enjoy a select title or character without enlisting in a corporate faction in the battle for “best company” or “best videogame”. It leads to a parasocial kinship with a nonexistent figure that was hand-crafted to ensure consumer loyalty to a certain brand. It’s depressing, terrifying, and should stand as a disquieting example of how the grip of capitalism on works of art has permanently distorted how we think and engage with media today. So, what’s the solution? As always I can never really provide something concrete that’ll act as a cure-all, only things that people in games need to work towards. Bring up conversations about games preservation, create archives for your own work, support archivists and boost their work whenever a new discovery is created, and try to promote optimism and solidarity in your hobbyist communities. I’ve noticed a lot of futility being intertwined with the future of AAA gaming, use of online storefronts, and the inability to own pieces of media anymore, and I feel this should be pushed back against, even in a minute way. Open-source programmes still exist that allow you to hold on to what you have purchased, offline and ad-free options exist for games launchers, e-readers, and media players. The future isn’t bright, but it is not a place without hope, and as long as people continue to enter communities with passion and ingenuity, I think we have a chance at stopping the events at Lelystad, 1994 from happening again. 

[architectuul]

Yugoslavia Express

in a discussion with the photographer Roberto Conte, who discovered the modernism of Yugoslavia during his 9000 km photo trip.  

Portrait Photo © Melania Avanzato

Roberto, why is an Italian, Western guy interested in Yugoslavia National Liberation struggle monuments from the WWII?

As an architecture photographer I work a lot with the post-war modernist architecture. I soon realized that a former neighbor nation of my country was literally disseminated by very interesting structures, rather expressionist but with a more modern appeal, with some extremely interesting solutions or design proposals with so many names that would deserved to be known more and that is the worthy purpose of many publications and exhibitions like the project organized by Architectuul. I didn't know much about Yugoslavia in general, despite the geographical proximity.

Monument to the Uprising of the People of Banija and Kordun (1971-1981)  in Petrova Gora, Croatia by Berislav Šerbetić | Photo © Roberto Conte

My first trip to Belgrade was in 2015, followed by a big tour in 2017. One thing, that impressed me very much, is the locations of most of memorials and monuments strictly tied to the places were important and often painful historical events took places and not just a way to celebrate those people from the distance, like in the main cities itself. It's really a strong connection with the genius loci, the spirit of the place, and that gives a totally different read to these monuments and, of course, a totally different approach about the preservation of them.

Korčanica Memorial Complex (1975-79) by Ljubomir Denković on Grmeč mountain in Bosnia and Herzegovina | Photo © Roberto Conte

For example, just to mention two of the most famous spomeniks, I would like to mention the monuments in Petrova Gora, Croatia, and in Grmeč, Bosnia and Herzegovina. They both remember episodes of resistance dating back to WWII and located in the very places where things happened, and that gives a lot to them. The first is located on a hill and the surreal silence of the area is just broken by the low buzz of the repeaters/signal amplifiers put on the top of it. The second lies literally in the middle of the forest, in this case with the only buzz of mosquitos. As a person interested in the topics architecture, memory and time it's strange to see them.  

On your trip map are also many other sites, not only monuments, how did the research started and what was the context of your research?

My very first trip was in Belgrade, were I explored the city a lot with the focus on the suburbs. I was totally surprised to see the Genex Tower as well as the whole New Belgrade, but also the Rudo Buildings, the now famous Toblerone in Karaburma and so many more. Despite the conditions of some of them, while some are in way better shape that many public housing complexes in Italy, I realized that in those years there was a genuine push in providing a real and modern home to many people that were moving to a fast growing city on a scale that I had never seen before.

Konjarnik neighborhood (1972-75), New Belgrade | Photo © Roberto Conte

On top of that, many buildings related to leisure activities, such as the 25 May Sport Complex, the Museum of Contemporary Art, the Aeronautical Museum or the Pionir Sport Complex were designed in a very innovative way and a complementary feature in this idea of modern city and modern urban citizen. After that trip I wanted to discover more, therefor I started to research and read more where I broadened my interest also to the memorials for the National liberation struggle of the WWII. 

Residential building in Split by Dinko Kovačić | Photo © Roberto Conte

Without the need to gather the material for a specific publication or a pre-determined editorial project I was free to move as much as I wanted so I started to scout the buildings I was more interested to reading some books as Modernism In-Between, checked online databases as Architectuul or the Spomenik Database as well as scouting sites using satellite imagery.

Student Dormitory Goče Delčev by Georgi Konstantinovski in Skopje, Northern Macedonia | Photo © Roberto Conte

We are talking also about the unity in no border’s Europe but during your trip you have to cross many borders?

I travelled for about 9,000 km, crossing each single republic that once formed Yugoslavia, but whose current divisions were pretty much shown by the 15-border crossing I had to queue, and in some cases I had some not kind inspections and questions. Of course I realized the clear differences from some place to another, but at the same time my trip was organized following a common line and I often checked architectures made by the same people but now located in different nations, in many cases neglected, when not even destroyed, like for example the monument in Knin. 

The monument to the National People's Struggle (1964-65) by Janez Lenassi and Siva Baraga in Ilirska Bistrica. | Photo © Roberto Conte

To be honest it was a very weird feeling, as an Italian born in 1980 I remember very well the borders inside the European Union and I am glad to be able to travel from one country to another, on the opposite, a country that was united as Yugoslavia is now so much divided, not only by state borders but sometimes also by ethnic differences inside the same republics. 

Makedonium, also known as the Monument to the Ilinden Uprising (1973-74) designed by Jordan and Iskra Grabuloska. | Photo © Roberto Conte

But in one leg of my trip, between the incredible memorial complex of Kadinjaća in Serbia and the Bratunac spomenik in Bosnia and Herzegovina, I crossed a border on the river Drina. It was a bit strange to see two fishermen right in the middle of the river, right in the very same waters and immersed in the very same landscape, but ideally located in two different countries.

Monument to the Revolution (1969-72) by Dušan Džamonja, at the Kozara mountain, Bosnia and Herzegovina. | Photo © Roberto Conte

Did you have some other encounters?

Beside some recent and pretty ridiculous revival in Italy we have quite a detached relation with our flag, mainly used only for soccer events, and the need of highlighting our ethnical identity. That's also why I found it rather interesting what happened to me between Montenegro and Kosovo. I was at the gas station in Rožaje, Montenegro, waiting for my tank to be filled. Then I heard the horns of a column of cars celebrating a wedding (as we also do quite often in Italy), but the thing is that on the first car there was a huge Serbian flag waving proudly. 

The Jasenovac Monument by Bogdan Bogdanović is devoted to the victims of the Ustasha genocide during World War II. | Photo © Roberto Conte

I found it interesting that a micro-social event, such as a wedding, was considered a good opportunity to wave a flag, moreover considering that these people living in Montenegro was considering themselves more connected to another country, in this case Serbia. Then I crossed the mountain and the border with Kosovo and when I was approaching to the city of Peje I've seen another horning car parade, another wedding, with another flag! And, once again, the flag was about the one of another, Albania. I found these episode quite revealing of a probably diffused attitude.

---

Architecture. Sculpture. Remembrance. The Art of Monuments of Yugoslavia 1945–1991.

Curators: Boštjan Bugarič, Kristina Dešman, Maja Ivanič, Špela Kuhar, Eva Mavsar, Špela Nardoni Kovač, Damjana Zaviršek Hudnik  Producer: DESSA gallery Židovska steza 4, Ljubljana, Slovenija  Organiser: DESSA gallery, ab_Arhitektov bilten, DAL, Architectuul Mediapartner: Architectuul

*** Also read interviews in DOMUS, ÉPÍTÉSZFORUM and WEARCH

[a-day-in-the-afterlife]

Hello since we had post abozt how bois would survive in wildness how about how they would be like going on field trip with Manager (preferably all of them like group) thanks

This is such a cute idea, anon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, this ended up being super long, I apologize!  I kinda got into it, heheh!

Also, I know you asked for them all to be in a group, but I hope you don’t mind that when organizing this, I did separate them into their respective teams (just so it wouldn’t look cluttered and I’d have an order in which to write).  They still interact with Soul Reapers from other teams, though!  (or at least, I tried to make them to!)

The 14th Department Goes to the Aquarium

Mane

So, Ell finds the jellies absolutely ethereal.  He’s lived up in the Celestial Realm his whole life and the otherworldly calmness that they exude almost remind him of home.  He and Jamie spend an hour at the jelly exhibit, and Ell is so enraptured by the sight of them that his clumsy self bonks into the aquarium glass four or five times—on separate occasions—when he steps too close.  After he is sufficiently amazed by the jellies, he goes to hang out with his father Youssef and the Manager, who together haunt the aquarium café, sipping on caramel lattes and watching over the other Soul Reapers.

Like Ell, Jamie loves the jellies.  Something about their soft and translucent form makes him feel incredibly peaceful.  He could’ve spent hours taking in their mesmerizing beauty, but soon moves exhibits in order to take in all the “wonderful lil’ critters” the aquarium has to offer.  He is particularly interested in the beluga whales because “Bless my heart!  Don’t they have the friendliest face you ever did see?”  Overall, he enjoys the museum trip because animals of all kinds amuse him, and the low burbling of the water in the tanks is so soothing.

Ghilley is highly intrigued by the octopuses—with their extensive abilities to camouflage and maneuver their bodies, they’re even better at sneaking up on people than him!  He read on the sign next to the octopus tank that the animals are so intelligent that they can solve problems, predict, remember, dismantle things, and even do puzzles, which is one of his favorite hobbies!  Licht teases him by saying that Ghilley himself must be one of the ancestors of the octopus, since he is so old, and they are so similar.  Ghilley allows the tease with an “Ufufufu,” but secretly vows to cover his boyfriend’s roommate’s bed in Legos as revenge.

He initially doesn’t have that much enthusiasm for going on this field trip (“Who’s going to admire my beauty in an aquarium?  What, the fish?  We should go somewhere with more people, darling!”), so Licht stalwartly shadows Ghilley in the octopus exhibit, commenting that he wished he himself was an octopus, since being able to change one’s “outfit color” based on one’s surroundings just sounded so tantalizing!  Bored after standing in one exhibit for so long, Licht wanders into the amphibian section of the aquarium, where he stands, enrapt at the gorgeous colors of the (poisonous) frogs, for a whole hour, before calling over the Manager (who takes a “break” from her “coffee break”) to ogle at the animals with him—her close proximity and warm scent causes him to rethink his stance on the engagement of aquariums.

Die

Theo finds himself in a conundrum: he wants to spend time with Junee and the Manager, but he also desperately yearns to discuss the aquarium cleaning regimen with the staff.  With how long he expects the latter conversation to last, he’s not sure he’ll have time to do both activities in the eleven hours that the 14th Department intends to stay at the aquarium!  He almost takes up Cyrille, who professes to have discovered the secret to cloning, on his offers of allowing Theo to be in “two places at once,” but decides that on his day off, he might as well just get some info on what kind of industry-standard and nonabrasive detergents the staff uses to clean the aquarium, for he can spend time with Junee any other day.  However, seven hours into the discussion with the staff, Theo feels a prick of conscience and spends the rest of the day gallivanting about the aquarium with June and Day.

Slightly disheartened by the fact that Theo initially chooses to spend what looks like the entire day with the aquarium staff, June is rescued from squeezing out a few manly tears by Day, who encourages him to do as he does and see how many times he could visit all the exhibits before the day is done.  June likes the idea—only a true man could see all the animals in the aquarium more than once in a given day—and the pair cause a general ruckus as they speed through the various exhibits, staring at the animals in awe for no more than two minutes before rushing to the next tank.  He feels especial pity for the turtles: if only he had thought to bring extra running shoes for them to feel the joys of speed as he did!  

Louis, with a clothespin over his nose to block the stench, spends much of the day in the penguin exhibit.  He can be heard announcing “Thou art a very dapper bird, although not as fine as me!” to every penguin who is willing to hear his blathering.  He is most appreciative of their debonair coat of black and white and is even more intrigued when a trainer tells him that there is a breed of penguin called “Emperor.”  A fellow royal, just like him!  Upon the Manager’s request that he spend his time admiring the other animals as well (the penguin trainers were having trouble hiding their laughter at the pompous prince, and she wanted to give them a break), Louis bothers Verine and Ethan at the sea star habitat, and the sickly Soul Reaper wonders if life is worth living at all if this is how it’s to be spent (listening to the prince).  Louis connects to the sea stars deeply because he, too, is a star!

Like many occasions when he has to interact with the other Soul Reapers, this field trip is a special brand of hell for Ethan.  He stays with Verine by the sea star tank for some time, before his roommate, Louis, prances in and begins all manner of comparisons toward himself and the sea stars.  Ethan, after listening to Louis for seventeen minutes, has to relieve himself of the prince and begins quietly examining the exhibits en route out of the main part of the aquarium and into the adjoining café and gift shop area.  He spots Ell, Youssef, and the Manager there, and as he finds those three not entirely unpalatable in terms of disposition—Manager, especially—he joins them, although he scoffs at the trio’s preference for coffee over tea.  

Hesperide

Sian is one of the few people in the entire 14th Department that visits the aquarium like a normal person.  He and Noah throw out the terrible maps that they bought from Mori and peruse the exhibits at their own leisure, admiring the animals, and spending more time at the exhibits that strike their fancy.  Sian personally finds the seahorses to be some of the most entertaining aquatic creatures in the whole aquarium; there are so many different designs they can take!  As he and Noah stroll among the tanks, he can’t help but wonder if they’ll catch a glimpse of the Manager (he doesn’t know that she’s retired early from visiting the exhibits to drink coffee).  Of course, he’s not going to say that—“Y—yo, don’t take that the wrong way!  It’s not l—like I’m interested in hanging out with the Manager or anything!”  No one believes him, though.

Enthralled with the idea of a more educational field trip, Cyrille is on Cloud Nine.  He forgoes any interaction with his fellow Soul Reapers, preferring to study the various informational signs on the tanks, check the cleanliness and ethicalness of all the habitats, and interrogate the workers in the aquarium as to how they are maintaining all the animals and their tanks.  He is satisfied in knowing that the aquarium takes care of all their wildlife properly and makes sure that their animals are comfortable and are in habitats as close as to the ones they would have been living in in nature.  Although Manager tries to coax him from his awkward questions, he’s far too interested to take notice, but he ends up having the most fun of all the Soul Reapers during this field trip, when all his queries are satisfied.

Kati fights with Aitachi the entire bus ride to the aquarium and spends much of the time inside the building screaming obscenities like “Noctu and Noah are stupid!” from the top of his lungs.  He is thoroughly shut up when Manager advises him to vent his feelings to the corals, which he does, and becomes much more relaxed.  He had plans to follow Noah and bully him the entire time (he just wants some attention from his roommate, poor thing), but after seeing that Noah and Sian are too busy being mature by actually enjoying the aquarium, he thinks better of it, and instead, stations himself at the sea otter exhibit.  They are so cute—although, not as cute as him!  There, he finds Aitachi, who is also charmed with a childlike passion by the otters, and immediately threatens to bite him.  He is rescued from being obliterated by the much-more experienced warrior by Noah, who “coincidentally” decided he wanted to drop by the sea otter exhibit.

As mentioned earlier, Noah enjoys the aquarium with Sian, perhaps in the way that it’s supposed to be enjoyed.  He likes taking it easy, not wanting to cherry-pick any exhibits to see, but instead, choosing to admire the interesting ones as they came along.  After seeing most of the aquarium together, he and Sian part ways, Sian deciding to go find the Manager (he finds Quincy instead), and Noah, feeling that Kati probably had gotten himself into trouble by now, decides to go look for the younger Evening Team member.  He texts the Manager to see if she knows where Kati is (she says he’s in the sea otter exhibit) and goes to find him.  He is just in time to see Aitachi and him ready to begin dueling, and delivers Kati from getting clobbered by the young Atiyah warrior and insists that it was an “accident” that he happened to bump into the pair.  Noah forces Kati to apologize to Aitachi, and even though it was done in a most begrudging manner, the pair do not have any more quarrels (in that day).

Noctu

Despite Nine’s frequent wishes to be alone, he has long since realized that in public places where they have never been before, the three other members of Noctu will follow him around like orphaned children.  As he’s pretty sure that the trio would get themselves into trouble otherwise—and on accident, of course—he’s contented himself to live with it.  He and the rest of Noctu traverse the aquarium in a group and mostly juggle their party between the freshwater and saltwater fish exhibits.  They do visit the rest of the aquarium, though, and Nine is overcome with panic when Aitachi is found missing from the group for all of twelve minutes.  He is most excited when him and the rest of Noctu sign up to watch a video presentation on sharks (which do not have a live exhibit at the aquarium), but he mostly zones out during it and enjoys the silence of his own mind.  Because they finish perusing the aquarium much earlier than anticipated, Kirr, Aitachi, and him retire to the aquarium café with Youssef, Ell, Ethan, and the Manager.

Day has been counting the days for this field trip the moment he heard it announced, and his excitement is rewarded with a great day at the aquarium.  He loves this opportunity to “play” with Nine-Nine and the rest of his teammates and see all the pretty fishies!  Day likes the freshwater and saltwater fish a lot—the clownfish amuse him to no end, but he is even more enamored when the group visits the dolphin exhibit.  They remind him of himself—playful and smart!  Day, who has no grasp on the concept of money, throws away his ticket to the shark presentation that he had already paid for, and decides that he’d rather still explore the museum further instead of sitting around to watch a video (he can’t sit still for very long).  He finds June sadly, but earnestly, wandering about the exhibits by his lonesome, and instantly invents a way for them to hang out and see the entirety of the aquarium together by ways of running around it like a lunatic and see all the exhibits as fast and as many times as possible.  It’s great fun and brightens June up considerably!

Having lived high up in the mountains all his life, Kirr is astonished by the sheer amount of aquatic life present in the aquarium.  He has a terrible habit of calling every organism around them “a fish,” whether it be a spindly lobster or an entire coral reef.  Kirr does not fear when Aitachi becomes lost, knowing the young warrior can take care of himself just fine, but he still looks for him and successfully tracks him down in the sea otter exhibit.  Kirr is the first one to agree when Nine suggests that the group sign up to watch a video presentation on sharks, especially when he sees the poster promoting the video call sharks “the hunters of the sea.”  The informative presentation teaches him nothing new about hunting, but he appreciates it nonetheless.  Him, Aitachi, and Nine retire to the aquarium’s café after strolling about the entirety of the exhibits and are delighted to find Ell, Youssef, and the Manager enjoying coffee together.  He himself is significantly less excited upon seeing his opponent, Ethan, there, as well, nursing a cup of what appears to be hot leaf juice.

Warrior Aitachi does not know what to expect upon entering the “aquarium” place that Miss Manager insists that the 14th Department tour.  He is, however, sufficiently pleased when he realizes that it is a place to view many fish, even if it is merely a fruitless pastime.  Nevertheless, he is enthralled with childlike vivacity at all the exhibits that he and the rest of Noctu visit and loves the sheer amount of color present in the watery tanks.  He is not entirely distraught when he become separated from the rest of Noctu, for he can definitely take care of himself!  Aitachi is wise enough to stay at the exhibit where he last was with the Night Team—the sea otter habitat—so his team can find him more easily.  There, he watches the cute antics of the otters and is content until Licht and Ghilley, who were coming back from the aquarium bathrooms, have the audacity to compare his “cuteness” with the otters’!  It puts him in a bad mood, and it is even worsened when that intrepid Kati comes from out of nowhere and bites him.  He would’ve had no qualms at honorably cutting down the Evening Team member, but alas, Kati is rescued by Noah.  After receiving an apology from Kati, Aitachi is reunited with Noctu and they head to their scheduled shark presentation before seeing the rest of the museum, and heading back to the aquarium café with the Manager.

Diluculo

If it isn’t already obvious, Youssef prefers to spend his time in the aquarium in its café, for he has seen many aquariums in his youth and would prefer to spend this trip to the museum watching over the other Soul Reapers.  Since the café is elevated enough so one can look down from its ledge over the entire aquarium, he is joined by the Manager, so she, too, can survey what is happening among the rest of the members of the 14th Department.  Youssef immediately orders for the Manager and himself two caramel lattes and they sip and chat and watch over the Soul Reapers like mother hens.  Their small party of two grows as the day passes, and by the end of the field trip, it comprises he, the Manager, Ell, Ethan, Kirr, Aitachi, and Nine.  Even though he appreciated the alone time with the Manager, none of the other Soul Reapers are unwelcome and only heighten his enjoyment of the trip.

Mori sees the aquarium field trip as an excellent business opportunity.  He already sold several copies of a map of the aquarium (complete with animal facts pulled from Otherworldipedia) he had made prior to the trip to Noah and Sian.  They sold for a hefty price and even if he had made no other profit that day, Mori would have still been satisfied, even though Quincy had called his maps fit for nothing but to be used as toilet paper and that was only if the world had run out of its supply of one-ply.  Nevertheless, he stations himself outside the aquarium entrance and sells twenty-four copies of his map pamphlet before aquarium security ask him to not charge money for what they were already giving away for free inside.  Mori is unabashed, however, and makes his way to the aquarium gift shop, where he sells many mass-produced, underwater-themed trinkets that he bought from a bulk party store online.  He happens to make a killing, before the aquarium security, once again and less politely this time, ask him to buzz off.

Criticism is his strong suit, so Quincy wanders about by himself making rude remarks on all the fish and other underwater life.  He only does this, however, to hide how bored and lonely he is, especially since his roommate, Verine, had decided to be boring and spend his entire afternoon embroiled in the sea stars.  Despite this annoyance with Verine, Quincy still texts him hourly reminders in typical Quincy fashion (read: rudely) to take his medicine.  He is infinitely satisfied when he finds Sian, who is a kindred spirit in criticism, and together they stroll about the aquarium, judging the creatures inside the tanks as if they weren’t completely and utterly entranced by their beauty.  Quincy particularly likes the birds of prey exhibit (although he wonders why the aquarium, which focuses on underwater life, has one), for he has to admit contentment in watching the little moles and mice get absolutely massacred by the owls and hawks in the enclosure.

Verine doesn’t enjoy the museum one bit: it’s cold, it’s stuffy, and there’s too many people (which means more dust in the air).  He has to content himself with his pills and tissues in the least popular exhibit with the sea stars (coincidentally, corals are significantly less interesting to watch than sea stars, but considering they have much more of a media presence with the “save the coral reefs movement,” more people tend to frequent their exhibit).  He is secretly flattered with Quincy’s constant reminders to take his medicine, because it shows he cares, in his own denigrating way.  He is not, however, amused by Louis’ frequent inquirings after his health, for they all follow a split-second look of pity, just as the prince begins one of his long ramblings about his own beauty, and how Verine should, instead of “focusing on his deformities,” look to the handsomeness that was the prince.  He much preferred the awkward silence he had been sharing with Ethan before the prince’s arrival!  

[theres-no-protocol-for-this]

Hitching a Ride

I don’t know where this idea came from, and I have even less idea about where it’s going. A security construct is hitchhiking across the Corporation Rim. What could possibly go wrong? Part I.

The station's manifest listed the Traveler as a long-distance cargo hauler midway through its multi-month journey. The ship's destination was a freehold world somewhere outside of the Corporation Rim. The trip was slated to take at least twenty cycles. In other words, it sounded like an ideal scenario for a rogue construct trying to get as far from its owner company as physically possible while dealing with a minimal number of humans.

Assuming, of course, the transport would let me along for the ride. 

I approached its embarkation platform during a shift change. It seemed like a good bet. There were a lot of humans around; most of them were low-tech employees who babysat the bots that did most of the heavy lifting. No one paid much attention to a tall, weird stranger in heavy work boots. Probably because I was dressed pretty much identically to most of them. 

I lightly nudged the ship in the feed to see if its bot pilot was amenable to conversing. Directly communicating with vessels was still a novel experience for me. SecUnits have standard protocols for this sort of thing, and I guess I could've fallen back on those. But, I'd spoken to at least a few other bots recently and was learning that each one was different. I'd picked up a few tricks during those interactions and wanted to see if any of them might work.

I'd learned, for example, that most ships are programmed to protect themselves from theft. Sounds reasonable -- these are insured vessels, often with precious cargo inside -- and no one wants to pay for its loss. But most of the anti-theft measures assume some form of human involvement. So, odds were good that no one had told the Traveler to be wary of other friendly bots or constructs.

"Hello," I said via the feed when the ship didn't immediately disregard my ping. "May I ride with you to your next destination?" 

I used words and images to convey the message because most of the bots I'd met so far didn't speak like human beings. Also, I had nothing to offer the transport.  Then again, the bots I'd ridden with so far hadn't necessarily wanted anything. My last ride had been bored and seeking friendly company, and the ship before that had wanted to discuss star charts in depth. I now knew more about mapmaking than I ever wanted to. 

The Traveler, which had an unfamiliar logo on its hull, answered by opening the nearest airlock and sending a small drone to meet me. The floating cylinder with tiny mechanical arms beeped impatiently at me as it hovered in front of my face. It didn't stop until I came inside the airlock cycled shut behind me. 

Most of the ships I'd ridden so far mostly communicated with me in images and snippets of code. Only one had used spoken words, and that had been an uncomfortable experience all around. I'd gotten to know perhaps half a dozen ship-based machine intelligences since starting the journey, and none of them thought even remotely like me. Their minds were beautifully alien and utterly fascinating, a far cry from the humans I'd dealt with for most of my life.

The Traveler's drone stared at me with its single-lens camera. I looked away and scanned the room. 

It was barren but spotless and minimally furnished. Several space-capable evacuation suits hung in a locker to my left. Dim, diffuse lighting cast the corridor ahead of me in deep, dark shadows. A strip of bright illumination pointed the way deeper into the ship. 

The transport was running with only minimal life support, and it was chilly as I walked down the hall, following the drone. I shivered and slowed my breathing as much as possible. Without plenty of oxygen, I'd need to spend more time in stasis, but it was a small price to pay for a ride out of the Rim. 

I felt something large appear in the feed, a vast and complex presence, unlike anything I'd ever encountered before. It had the overall signature of the Traveler but didn't behave anything like the other bot pilots that I'd met. Its massive size reflecting some vast array of processing power, and I wondered what it worked on when not ferrying freight and passengers across the galaxy.

My risk assessment module advised caution. Anything that powerful could probably decimate the protective walls around my mind if it wanted to. That it let me in at all suggested it wasn't malicious. But, like with any sentient mind, you never know. 

"What are you?"  I asked.

"A better question might be what you are and what do you want."

This was new. None of the bots had spoken with me like this before. The one who had bothered with words had preferred quoting ancient poets. The intelligence behind these words sounded... curious, perhaps, and just as cautious as I was. I could understand its pressing questions; rogue constructs are unpredictable, and we're seen as catastrophically dangerous by most humans. I think the media plays up the dangerous part. Inviting one aboard could spell a lot of trouble for the Traveler.

"I'm a SecUnit. I'm trying to leave the Corporation Rim."

"Are you rogue?"

"I think so," I admitted hesitantly. "My governor malfunctioned several standard months ago."

"What happened to your arm? Do you require medical assistance?" Transport sounded concerned. Frowning sigils tumbled across the feed. 

Oh yeah, that. I looked down at my left arm. The long sleeve was tucked upward so it wouldn't get in the way. Underneath it, the appendage ended midway between shoulder assembly and elbow. The rest was gone. "I was injured and have not visited a repair cubicle since then."

Meanwhile, the drone I was following stopped in front of a door, which slid open. Inside was a well-furnished and well-stocked recreation room; I wondered at its purpose since the hauler had no passenger manifest. Who was supposed to be using this space?

A display screen took up most of an entire wall, and several couches stood opposite of it. There were also chairs and plush pillows on the floor. A small snack counter stood tucked into a corner, along with a recycler and a heating unit. 

Transport turned up the internal temperature and spun up its life support systems. I could hear the hum of air circulators kicking on. The drone beeped at me to come inside and then floated leisurely over to a cabinet. It grabbed a blanket and dropped it in front of my face. Out of pure reflex, I caught the soft material before it could fall. 

"I have some media we can watch," the ship informed me. "I also have a full medical suite. You could use it if you want." A moment later, it added, as an afterthought, "Captain Owens will come aboard in a few minutes, and we're slated for departure in a matter of hours."

The display came on, but I wasn't paying attention. "I need to leave."

"Why?" Transport asked, clearly puzzled.

"A human is going to ask questions. They might even return me to the bonding company." Also, I'm not good at dealing with people. 

"I already received verbal approval from the captain to provide transportation for you to our next destination." The ship's presence emanated its version of distress, and I didn't know why. "Stay."

"You what?"

"I followed the protocol. I knew that the captain was on her way, and I wanted you to ride with me. And the easiest way was to tell my captain. I think you should sit down and relax." Transport reminded me of a human child, a powerful and dangerous one at that. "Captain's nice. She doesn't get mad."

"Fuck you."

I stood in the middle of the rec room and stared straight ahead at an off-white wall. I wanted to leave -- up until this point, self-preservation had involved avoiding humans who might decide to return me to the corporation that still technically owned me. But, this human had supposedly already agreed to my continued presence, and this hauler was my best bet for leaving the station.

"You're mad."

"Yes. Yes, I am." I was also scared and shaking. I didn't want to go back.

"We can watch shows together. Captain Owens won't mind." The ship pulled back from the feed, giving me space to think, but it was still there—a black hole hiding in a corner. "I've downloaded some excellent ones." The little drone bobbed up and down and beeped sadly. "I've never talked to a construct before. I want to. You're more like me than like the captain. Or the crew."

"Same here," I admitted. 

"So, stay. It's safe here."

"It's not," I replied. "I don't like this. Your human could order you to hurt me, and you wouldn't have a choice."

My mind stuck on the word "safe." I'd never felt the need to seek out safety before, but the idea sounded... appealing. 

When my governor had been active, any mistake could potentially lead to painful punishment. If the transgression was particularly heinous, any human could order my termination. I don't fear dying, not how humans seem to interpret it, but I want to continue existing. 

Once my governor couldn't control me anymore, I had been terrified that someone would discover the malfunction. Without a functioning governor, they couldn't order me around, which made me -- in their eyes -- an unpredictable and dangerous weapon. I figured if the company knew, they would take me apart to see how the malfunction had occurred and then break me down for spare parts. 

I don't want that, either.

The door behind me slid open, and a deep, feminine voice said, "Trav only listens to me when it wants to. And maybe not even then. Welcome aboard the Traveler, stranger. My name's Skye, and it's a pleasure to have some company on this otherwise dull run."

I turned to face the newcomer as her information card popped into the feed. Transport also gave me access to the local communications array and some of the ship's internal cameras. 

One of the cameras was in the recreation room, so I connected to it and saw myself through its fisheye lens. I could also see Skye Owens, currently listed captain of this vessel and a doctor of biology. She was tall with light-brown skin, shoulder-length, curly hair, and pitch-black eyes. I'm not great at human ages, but I thought she might be older.

"You look lost," the captain added as she walked past me and sat down on one of the mauve couches. "I imagine this hasn't been easy, and I think the ship can be... a little overbearing when it wants something."

I checked the expression on my face through the camera. Yep, I was making a face -- one I couldn't even interpret.

"Am not!" Transport complained.

"Are too, and you know it." Skye looked up at the nearest camera and stuck out her tongue. "But seriously, you're welcome here, whoever you are."

"SecUnit," I said aloud automatically. 

I wondered about the relationship between the captain and her ship. It was apparent the two were friends, enough so that they bantered with one another; SecUnits weren't permitted this much camaraderie with other constructs. 

I had never encountered a situation like this before, where another human was aware of my status and still comfortable in my presence. Some of my previous clients had assumed that constructs can't speak, and others despised that we could. It was... weird.

Transport cast something onto the display, and an intro began to play in the background. The drone brought over snacks and set them on a low table between the couches. 

"A pleasure to meet you, SecUnit." Skye grabbed herself a pack of crunchy vegetables and then patted the seat next to her.

"She wants you to join her," Transport offered helpfully. "My crew does this thing where they're all together. They sit in front of the screen, eat snacks, and poke fun at whatever they're watching. It's entertaining."

The worst of the anxiety from earlier had passed, and I found that I didn't much care what the human chose to do. If she notified the authorities, which looked less likely with each passing moment, I'd deal with the consequences. Shrugging, I took a seat on the floor in front of the empty couch and leaned against it.

Setting the blanket aside, I turned my attention to the display. Entertainment media was still a new concept for me. I'd caught glimpses of it during various deployments, but most of it I hadn't understood until more recently. And I guess I wanted to see what the humans found so pleasing about the whole thing.

[rosaguard]

❀ . ━  ❛ THE FLOWER BLOOMING IN THE SLUMS.

the following contents of this post is incredibly important to understanding how i see aeris, my portrayal, and overall direction of my blog going forward. i recommend reading this post entirely if you’re interested in writing with me on a deeper, non-surface level. this post also further touches on concepts from buddhism and hinduism prevalent within the themes of game / aerith’s development and the initial discussion on it can be read here. it is highly recommended that you read it before fully reading this post if you haven’t. 

i wanted to be make sure i was respectful regarding speaking about topics related to buddhism and hinduism by doing my research and educating myself. while i learned a lot writing this, i’m not immune to making potential mistakes nor am i asian. should anyone who does practice these religions find anything offensive, harmful, or wrong stated below, please feel free to reach out and correct me!

         aeris gainsborough is an anomaly. despite the tragedies that have followed her since birth and the oppression rampant throughout the slums, she’s notable for going through life with an optimistic outlook and looking forward to what the future holds in store for her. when the party initially leaves midgar, aeris is the only member not leaving for the sake of revenge, some grand cause, or to run away from her problems - if anything, it’s the direct opposite. aeris leaves specifically because she’s decided to stop running away from who she is and wants to learn about her ancestors. essentially, aeris’ personal and spiritual development throughout the events of the game directly parallel both the symbolic meaning of a sacred lotus as well as the literal growth of the flower itself.

the unfolding of the lotus flower petals represents the progress being made to reach a more spiritual state of mind. the unfurling petals symbolize the human soul expanding. padma ( lotus ) is thought to be a part of every person's soul and drives people, like an instinct, to work towards spiritual enlightenment despite their struggles, much like the lotus flower as it rises out from muddy depths and blossoms into its full potential.  

        although little is known about the cetra overall, it is said that they were a migrate and highly spiritual race that dedicated themselves to the planet. the way the cetra lived and their belief in finding supreme happiness after death seem to be directly based on certain beliefs within buddhism and hinduism specifically. this is reaffirmed when they’re contrasted to humans, former cetra who gave up their ties to the planet in order to live a life full of leisure and convenience while slowly destroying the planet ( which canonically has some form of consciousness / is somewhat sentient ) in the process:

sephiroth: this planet originally belonged to the cetra. the cetra was an itinerant race. they would migrate in, settle, then move on... at the end of their harsh, hard journey, they would find the promised land and supreme happiness. but, those that disliked the journey appeared. those who stopped their migrations built shelters and elected to lead an easier life. they took that which the cetra and the planet had made without giving back in return! those are your ancestors.

in comparison to humans, the cetra lived a life that actively encouraged not forming superficial ties while living in the material world as they believed their true happiness did not lie within it but within the promised land. this belief is similar to the symbolic meaning of the sacred lotus in regards to spiritual enlightenment:

buddhism states that just like the lotus flower rises above murky waters, the human soul should rise about all the attachments and desires of the materialistic world to achieve spiritual enlightenment. even though the flower has its roots in mud, it grows towards the light. this is a metaphor for human aspiration to rise above in life towards oneness with the universe.

according to bhagavad gita, one of the scriptures in hinduism, the lotus flower is also analogous to the spirit of a person: as the flower petals and the center of the flower remain untouched from the murder and dirty water of the pond in which it grows, a person who is wise and spiritually enlightened remains untouched by the material world or emotional desires. they are able to perform their duty without the need to think about the consequences or desire any fruit from their karma. this feeling of detachment also allows one to remain unaffected in the face of adversity and reach spiritual perfection.

❀ . ━  ❛ 𝑟𝑖𝑠𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑎𝑏𝑜𝑣𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑤𝑎𝑡𝑒𝑟.

       aeris, once again, is an anomaly here. she’s a cetra living amongst humans, has been staying in the same city for twenty-two years ( a concept the goes against her own people’s way of life ), and isn’t actively trying to change that when she’s introduced into the story. this touches upon one of the most important aspects of aeris’ development: aeris the individual vs aeris the cetra. throughout the game, aeris’ desires as a person and her duties as a cetra are in conflict with each other. this is first seen in the beginning of the original game when she admits she knows she should leave midgar but hasn’t taken the steps to do so:

aeris: mother said that midgar was no longer safe. someday i'll get out of midgar... speak with the planet and find my promised land. ...that's what mom said. i thought i would stop hearing her voice as i grew up, but...

saying that she thought she would stop hearing her mother once she was older suggests that aeris’ mother told her about needing to eventually leave midgar when she was much younger than she is now ( and considering that she managed to travel multiple continents on her own and stayed ahead of cloud and co. while doing so, she more than likely could’ve figured a way out of midgar once she was old enough if she wanted to ). the remake also builds upon aeris’ reluctance to leave midgar throughout her dialogue in chapter eight:

aeris: you know, i thought about leaving once... but...in the end, i couldn't.

cloud: too dangerous? 

aeris: too much. maybe more than i can handle, i think sometimes... even now.

aeris: maybe i should just give up. honestly, it's what I do best. 

      aeris’ desire to stay in midgar is a mixture of her own self-doubt and fear of what would happen if she let go of her own personal attachments in order to experience change. choosing to let go of them and leave midgar to learn more about herself is aeris taking the first step towards letting go of what was mentally ( and physically ) holding her back so that she can discover her ‘promised land’ ( and thus achieve enlightenment ). once the party reaches cosmo canyon, there’s a noticeable shift in aeris’ behavior as her powers continue to grow and she learns more about the cetra. 

this could also be read as while aeris continues to connect with herself spiritually ( learning about her people, leaving midgar which was a barren wasteland, etc. ), she is slowly ‘blossoming’ as the petals of her lotus unfurl ( her soul is expanding ) and she becomes more attuned with the planet ( reaching spiritual enlightenment ). this would explain why she can understand the planet a lot better by the time the party reaches the temple of the ancients as well.

         this all results in her mentally, and on rare occasions, physically distancing herself from the group as it becomes increasingly more apparent to her that the burdens of her people have been left solely to her. her inner conflict reaches its breaking point during the events at the temple of the ancients: cloud gives sephiroth the black materia and attacks her which results in her leaving the group. in the original game, it’s implied that aeris doesn’t have any friends which the remake confirms. temporarily leaving her new friends, something that she has desperately wished to have her entire life. is another painful but necessary step ( at least in her eyes ) when it comes to putting her duty to the planet first. aeris dies while fulfilling her duty, however, it’s important to remember that she only dies physically.

death is meant only for the body, not for the soul.

aeris is laid to rest in water and similar to a lotus that submerges itself underwater at night, she will reemerge once again.

just so it’s said: aeris did not set off with the intention to die. she’s not a martyr; she was brutally and tragically murdered because sephiroth viewed her as a legit threat. she didn’t need to die to save the planet; holy would’ve destroyed meteor if sephiroth hadn’t killed her. she had already won. aeris truly did believe she would see all the others again after she did what she needed to do in order to save the planet. bonus: she also didn’t die simply for cloud’s man pain - cloud was already motivated to kill sephiroth. it’s such an awful, objectively wrong take and i’m tired of seeing it. go play the game again if you legitimately believe that.

❀ . ━  ❛ 𝒃𝒍𝒐𝒔𝒔𝒐���𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒐 𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝒐𝒘𝒏.

        if aeris was previously battling with her individuality as a person and duty as a cetra, it’s through death that they finally become one. while initially leaving midgar to find out about the ancients, aeris’ journey is ultimately about self-realization. by coming to terms with herself, aeris is able to fully blossom into a fully realized ‘lotus’:

it’s like growing lotus flowers. you cannot grow lotus flowers on marble. you have to grow them on the mud. without mud you cannot have lotus flowers. without suffering, you have no way to learn how to be understanding and compassionate. ( thich nhat hanh ).

while her ancestors migrated from place to place and most likely lived separately from humans, aeris wouldn’t be the same person if she did not experience living in the slums ( as well as the personal losses that led her there in the first place ). her mother told her that one day she would find her own promised land and technically? aeris does just that. however, instead of her soul rejoining the lifestream as a soul would normally do, aeris merges with the planet’s subconscious upon her death:

the pink lotus is representative of the state of mind of a person and is considered the supreme lotus in buddhism. the closed bud resembles the age of the soul taking the path to spirituality. on the other hand, a fully bloomed pink lotus means that nirvana or enlightenment has been attained. *this is especially meaningful for aeris considering the dominant color in her character design is pink.

      aeris becoming the very essence of the planet itself and thus achieving spiritual ‘perfection’ is a process that, conceptually, is similar to brahman:

brahman is defined as satyam jnanam anantam brahma, which can be translated as “that which never changes,” “knowledge,” and “infinity.” brahman cannot be seen with the naked eye; it can only be experienced. brahman is said to be all-pervasive. it pervades all parts of existence. it is present everywhere. sages of the past have experienced the brahman and have become realized souls. according to advaita of sankara, all individual souls are parts of the supreme brahman. after getting liberation from the human bodies, the individual souls become one with the brahman.

all of the souls in the lifestream make up one, large collective ( or 'soul' ) that is the planet's essence which is similar to brahman. the way brahman is described, or at least my understanding of it at least, is that it's not a 'physical' thing but something that is felt because it exists within everyone / everything and is present everywhere. this is reminiscent of how bugenhagen describes the lifestream:

bugenhagen: eventually... all humans die. what happens to them after they die? the body decomposes, and returns to the planet. that much everyone knows. what about their consciousness, their hearts and their souls? the soul too returns to the planet. and not only those of humans, but everything on this planet. in fact, all living things in the universe, are the same. the spirits that return to the planet, merge with one another and roam the planet. they roam, converge, and divide, becoming a swell, called the 'lifestream'. lifestream... in other words, a path of energy of the souls roaming the planet.

      in various schools of hinduism, there is also the concept of ishvara. its meaning tends to vary depending on the school* as ishvara can be seen as being one and the same with brahman ( absolute reality ) but can also refer to the supreme consciousness or a personal god. for simplicity’s sake, the interpretation of ishvara and brahman being ‘one’ will be used here:

ishvara is a supreme cosmic spirit who maintains complete control over the universe and all the sentient beings which together form the pan-organistic body of ishvara. the triad of ishvara along with the universe and the sentient beings is brahman ( the ultimate reality of the universe,  ), which signifies the completeness of existence.

*i want to add that a lot of discussions around the concepts of atman, moksha, ishvara, and, brahman are obviously touched on a much, much deeper level in actual hindu philosophy and its different schools / sub-schools. it’s on a level that i can’t fully address since they all have varying interpretations regarding how these concepts are related to one another.

some interpretations of ishvara view the concept as being the more ‘personal’ representation of brahman since it can be seen as mysterious and unknown due to its infinite nature. this happens with aeris as she becomes the avatar / personification for the planet / lifestream, an entity that’s beyond most human knowledge due to the sheer amount of information the planet absorbs and processes: 

bugenhagen: look always to the eternal flow of time which is far greater than the span of human life. it will teach you more than staying here in the valley... what you will see will eventually become part of the life's dream.

to aeris, she is the lifestream and the lifestream is her. to those in the ‘physical’ world, she would be seen as simply herself / a separate entity even though they are not. although it’s to her own annoyance, this is seen with advent children in how characters on the verge of death repeatedly refer to aeris as ‘mother’ when they’re close to joining the lifestream; reinforcing that aeris is the physical / personal representative of the planet’s will to those still living:

but it must never be forgotten that ishvara is brahman, simply being looked at from the point of view of the world.

       the implication that aeris has become the planet’s equivalent of a supreme cosmic spirit is also reinforced multiple times after her death. when the party revisits the city of the ancients with bugenhagen, he mentions that even if holy is successfully summoned against meteor, there is no guarantee that it won’t kill humans too:

bugenhagen: holy… the ultimate white magic. magic that might stand against meteor. perhaps our last hope to save the planet from meteor. if a soul seeking holy reaches the planet, it will appear. ho ho hooo. meteor, weapon, everything will disappear. perhaps, even ourselves.

cloud: even us!?

bugenhagen: it is up to the planet to decide. what is best for the planet. what is bad for the planet. all that is bad will disappear. that is all. ho ho hooo. i wonder which we humans are?

        but who exactly makes the decision in the end? while aeris’ prayer for holy does ultimately reach the planet, it is not enough against meteor once it’s freed by the party. as meteor descends onto midgar, the lifestream erupts from the depths of the planet to aid holy in destroying meteor. aeris, smiling within the lifestream, is the last shot of the game. instead of hints of her theme playing, the opening chimes of the lifestream theme play, reinforcing that the lifestream and aeris are one, before the screen fades to black and the credits roll.

aeris: people hate the steel sky, the slums...but i don't. how could I? all that passion, all those dreams... flowing and blending together into something greater... 

aeris throughout the game is someone who shows appreciation for life and the people around her. it is aeris who ultimately makes the decision to save humanity. aeris consistently reaching out to help her friends / humanity can only be explained as her being the dominant force within the planet’s consciousness. this goes as far back as the original game and it’s only reinforced throughout the compilation:

original game: after cloud and tifa return from the lifestream, an npc tells cloud he must have had a guardian angel looking after him ( while the maiden that travels may or may not be canon anymore, aeris protects cloud and tifa when they fall into the lifestream in the novel ); aeris reaches out to cloud after his fight with sephiroth inside the lifestream; she summons the lifestream to defeat meteor.

novels: tifa hearing aeris’ voice asking if she’s okay when they visit her burial site; tifa believing aeris sent denzel to them.

advent children: speaks with cloud via his subconscious the movie ( which she could do even before her death ) and manages to leave a ‘voicemail’ on his phone; she helps cloud during the bahamut sin fight; tifa and marlene both sense her presence; she summons great gospel; she speaks to kadaj as he dies and helps him pass on; it’s implied that she calls the orphaned children and tells them to go to the sector five church to be healed; zack’s...entire presence in the movie can only be explained by aeris allowing him to be there; she doesn’t allow cloud to die and sends him out of the lifestream; she ( along with zack ) physically appear to cloud at the end of the movie. 

remake: if theories about the remake are to be believed, she has potentially time-traveled post-death or at least has some connection with and/or knowledge of the version of herself that died ( you would think a cetra would think to go back to when jenova landed if that’s a thing they can just..do but i digress ).

       case of the lifestream: white, a novel about aeris in the lifestream before advent children, states that aeris maintains her individuality within the lifestream because she’s a cetra and can choose to rejoin the lifestream when she wishes...yet this contradicts what we’re shown throughout canon multiple times as shown above. while we don’t know the full extent of a cetra’s powers, we’re consistently told that their main abilities are 1). being able to speak with the planet and 2). manipulating the lifestream. aeris does that and more, making her unique among her own people before and after death. 

 ❀ . ━  ❛ 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒔𝒖𝒑𝒓𝒆𝒎𝒆 𝒍𝒐𝒕𝒖𝒔.

       the lotus continues to resurrect itself, coming back just as beautiful as it was last seen. with such refusal to accept defeat, it's almost impossible not to associate this flower with unwavering faith. although cultures have largely dubbed the lotus as a spiritual figurehead, it is most emblematic of the faith within ourselves. it is particularly what the Buddhist proverb, aims to edify: living life with unwavering faith, as the lotus does, ensures the most beautiful revivals.

       aeris gainsborough is life itself; both thematically within the game and quite literally on this blog. it’s only fitting that she be associated with the lotus, a flower that represents the cycle of life, death, and rebirth. aeris is no different due to all of this...or at least she doesn’t see herself as any different.  she’s still the local florist, a woman who relentlessly make fun of you as quickly as she’s there to support you. she’s aeris. nothing more, nothing less. she may or may not reincarnate every couple of centuries for fun but honestly? that’s neither here nor there.

❀ . ━  ❛ 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒆𝒏𝒅.

if you’ve taken the time to read this and made it this far, thank you. it’s very much appreciated! while this headcanon explains aeris merging with the planet after her death, i want to reaffirm that my main verse is still aeris not dying ( i will actually be slightly altering some details of my main verse, including aeris being in a short-term coma after sephiroth stabs her, to tie all this together ). i felt that it would be easier to explain ( as well as easier for readers to digest ) these philosophical concepts if i strictly spoke about them within the context of the canon story. hopefully everything made sense! ❤

[mysticmilks]

Kylux positivity - Day 7 - Roleswap

The situation was stupid.

It started with an argument.

All of Hux’s arguments with the new Supreme Leader were stupid. But this one was especially juvenile. Kylo Ren, the Supreme Leader, always acted like a brat, (although Hux knew for sure that he was thirty years old). Childish behavior wasn’t something new for Kylo. Armitage Hux, on the other hand, didn’t act like a child even when he was a child. The more surprising for him was that dispute.

They were in the conference room, discussing budget and long term goals. That was a private meeting and everything was fine until Ren stated that Knights of Ren would get twice as much as they got the last quarter.

One led to another and the quarrel started.

The argument by itself was pretty much the same argument they had for years — Ren claimed that his Force related nonsense was more important than everything that Hux was doing combined, and Hux pointed out that the Force can’t win their war and can’t give them credits. That time Ren was complaining about how many official duties he had as the Supreme Leader (as if Ren wasn’t the one who usurped the throne and the title), and how important his Force battles were.

Hux was tired. More than usual. The credits were scarce lately. More planets had joined the Resistance. He didn’t sleep for almost three days and was functioning on small energy pills. He had enough. So he snapped.

“You wouldn’t be able to do my work even if your life depended on that,” he snarled.

Ren didn’t attack him, he only made a mean smirk, “You think you would be able to do my work?”

“I didn’t say it.” he didn’t.

“But you think so.”

“I don’t have the Force powers, so we’ll never find out.” but if I did I’d use them more efficiently.

“But you think you’d be a better Supreme Leader than I?” Ren raised from his seat.

“I didn’t say that either.” Hux raised too.

“You do think that. And you don’t even deign to hide it.”

Hux said nothing. Lying to the person who can read your mind was his favorite pastime activity.

“It’s funny, General. You think your work is so hard. And being the Supreme Leader is a leisure walk, yet you have never admitted any of our functions and don’t participate in talks with planetary leaders.”

“As if you have ever invited me.”

“As if you can do it! As if you can go to the banquet and not to be confused with a serving droid.”

“You have no idea what I can or can not do.”

“Neither do you.”

“Are you, sir, comparing an official dinner with what I do for the First Order?” Hux was overstepping, but frankly, he didn’t care.

“Are you, General, comparing leadership to bureaucracy?”

“Bureaucracy? That’s what you think I’m doing? Fine, you, sir, can call it that, but I repeat my initial statement — you wouldn’t be able to do it!”

Somehow they got closer, and Hux was pointing with his index finger to Ren’s chest.

Ren didn’t attack him this time either—he, actually, hadn’t done that since Crait—instead, he laughed. It was a normal, honest laugh.

“What?” asked Hux, caught off guard.

“Care for a bet, General?”

And Ren proposed him a crazy wager: he would do Hux’s work for a week, and if he didn’t succeed, he would promote Hux to the Grand Marshal.

“And if I lose?” asked Hux.

“You are so sure that you won’t,” Ren’s smile was luscious.

“So no prize for you?”

“Oh, no. I want my prize. I wonder how sure you are and what you are willing to put on stake.”

“Just say your conditions.”

“If I win. I will take you to the Gala with me.”

“And?”

“And I will evaluate your manners and your ability to behave yourself among high society, and will decide your rank according to it.”

Ren stretched his hand between them.

The implication was clear if Hux underperformed Ren would demote him.

Hux shook his hand.

“And,” Ren tightened his grip. “I will choose your attire.”

“Then you are going to dress like the First Order officer for that week.”

During the following week, Ren took Hux’s responsibilities. To Hux’s surprise, he was good at it. Not great, but good, better than some of his officers. To his utter shock, Ren even consulted with him a few times, and actually listened to Hux’s advice. That was unexpected, and… strange. Hux had never expected from spontaneous and emotional Ren to be that good in dealing with documents and overseeing others.

Ren even wore a uniform, in which, Hux must admit it, he looked good. That was just a good cut, everyone looked good in it. It emphasized Ren’s broad and powerful forms. Ren even braided his hair — it wasn’t according to regulation, but it made him even more attracted.

And each time Ren did a good job and both of them knew about it, Ren was looking at Hux with that strange expression. No, it wasn’t gloating, as Hux expected. It wasn’t contempt either. It was like Ren was searching for something, waiting for something from Hux.

The whole experience did something to Hux. It was like he saw Ren for the first time. Instead of a man-child in a constant tantrum, Hux witnessed a handsome and competent leader.

It made admitting his defeat even more painful. He could have argued that it was only the official among of work, and Hux often did twice as much per week, or that it was only one week and Ren wouldn’t be able to work like that for years or accuse Ren of using Force or cheating in any other way. But Hux wasn’t a petty loser.

“You did a good job,” said Hux, and even added the tiniest smile. He gave praise where it was due.

For a second there was something in Ren’s face but it quickly disappeared.

With calm dread, he waited for the Gala. He was sure that regardless of his efforts Ren was going to demote him and pick the most absurd attire for him. He expected to see a pleasure slave outfit or the most decorated dress from Naboo, but instead, he got a white and gold suit with a cape that reminded him of the old Empire uniform. It was nice, maybe a bit too revealing for Hux’s taste. It had a deep neckline and didn’t include gloves but it was more than appropriate for the Gala.

While Ren had been playing his role of ‘general’, Hux had spent his time revising his table manners and etiquette. Ren couldn’t possibly know that but Hux, actually, was accustomed to the high society. When he was younger he often attended such events with Rae Sloane, and he still remembered a lot of them.

He wasn’t sure if his knowledge of all the rules or his nice attire would help him, but he wasn’t going down without a fight.

The moment Hux entered the hall Ren was on his side.

“You look good,” Ren said, with the same expression as he had when Hux admitted his defeat.

“You look good too, sir,” Hux retorted. Maybe it was a test of his manners, but he didn’t lie. Ren looked regal in his black and silver robe.

The evening was exhausting but productive. They talked, made deals, gave and received compliments, negotiated contracts, ate delicious food, and made valuable connections. Ren praised him, called him his right hand, and even said a few times that Hux was the most valuable person in the First Order.

“You surprised me, Hux. You were great tonight.” Ren said when they were drinking wine, finally alone in the corner.

“Thank you, sir.” The music was loud and they had to stay closer together.

“Won’t you return the sentiment?”

“You know you surprised me, Ren. I didn’t believe you could do that, or I wouldn't accept your bet.”

“You still could say that,” there was something akin to sadness in his voice.

“So you could know that you are not only the most powerful being but also smart and competent?” the words were out before Hux understood what he was saying. He blamed wine.

“It wasn't hard, was it?” Ren smiled.

Hux didn’t know what to say, and he looked at Ren, at his face, his prominent features, his body in fit robe, and Hux’s gaze drifted to his huge hand holding tender glass. He felt his cheeks flustering and the urge to flee to his room before he said or done something stupid.

“Dance with me,” Ren whispered “Grand Marshal.”

[adarlingwrites]

Absolution

Summary:

noun: formal release from guilt, obligation, or punishment

The Capital Wasteland lauded the Lone Wanderer as a hero, a Messiah, a savior who's willing to give her life for the Good Fight. Beyond the legends, the propaganda, and the mythification that surrounded her legacy, there is only one person who knew her bare soul. She gave him his absolution, and now he will fight for hers.

VII

September 20, 2277.

Percy paces around in the room, looks for something to write on, then settles on the couch again. “Charon… you were saying something about your orders from General Chase in your dream. General Chase was a prominent figure in the Sino-American War 200 years ago. My God, were you there during the Battle of Anchorage?”

Hearing ‘Anchorage’ felt like wires crossed in my brain. The itch in my brain when I saw her in the stealth armor for the first time started to make sense. Anchorage is where I first saw it, worn by enemy troops. Crimson Dragoons, some of them snipers, just like her. My throat feels tight, and I cannot answer. I just nod.

“Charon, I won’t be asking about the details of the dream, but was the dream showing a traumatic event? Like, someone dying, or you getting hurt?”

“Yes. It’s... weird,” I manage to rasp. “There are some parts that I know did not happen recently. Then, there are events which happened within the past week.”

“I see. Did you feel like you were living in that moment again, instead of being at my house, on this day?” she asks me, and I nod. She continues to scribble on the piece of paper that she found.

“Any idea what might’ve triggered it?” she asks me, and I shrug. “Anything? Like a sound, or an object that reminds you of the event?”

I pause for a second. I remember the feeling I had looking at the power armor in my room before my body forced me to sleep.

“The power armor, in the room you gave me,” I tell her, and her eyebrows perk up. “I think I used to wear one of those.” Percy puts her pen and paper down, and stands up.

“I’ll refrain from discussing it further unless you want to talk about it, but holy shit,” Percy exclaims, running a hand through her hair, back turned from me. “I’m so sorry for exposing you to that, if I only knew…” Percy sits back down and her eyes drift to her stealth suit that she stripped for maintenance. “Did my armor remind you of Anchorage too?”

“Yes,” I tell her the truth.

“I’ll stop wearing it, if it makes you relive those memories. I’ll remove the power armor from your room too.”

“I appreciate it, but your armor does not upset me, miss. Please, keep it. You have a higher chance of surviving combat situations with it.”

Percy sighs. “If you’re sure that it doesn’t upset you, okay.” She clears her throat when she realizes the professional facade she’s been putting on slipped off.

“Anyway, I’ve yet to observe arousal and mood symptoms, but, Charon, you’re showing symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder,” said Percy after a few minutes of tense silence, who’s now looking at the book she was occupied with earlier. “I still need to observe you further. I don’t want to make a hasty diagnosis. If you do have it, I can assure you that it’s possible to get better, and I can help you.”

“It is not necessary, miss.”

“You can’t keep saying that whenever something concerning is happening to you,” the mistress scolds me. The dog jumps between us and starts burying his head on my lap.

“Miss, it is not your responsibility to look after my well-being. It is my own. You should not concern yourself with such things.”

“As someone who’s training to be a doctor, I just can’t ignore someone who’s clearly in need of professional help. What kind of doctor would that make me?”

“As my employer, however, it states in the contract that it is not your responsibility. You would know that if you’ve read it in its entirety,” I argue back, and Percy’s frustration grows. She rubs her hands against her face, and throws it up once again.

“But I- what if we weren’t… Why is it so hard to talk to you?”

My throat hitches at her outburst. This is the first time she raised her voice at me while I’m under her employ. Percy sags in front of me, eyes wild in her frustration, but it isn’t anger I am seeing in her face. Frustration. Worry. Sadness.

“If you think having me in your employ is more than you bargained for, you can sell my contract.”

“Wait, no! No. I can’t do that. I can’t just sell you like, like a rifle or-or a piece of armor,” Percy exclaims, holding her forehead with one hand.

“You are not selling me, miss. I belong to no one. You will be selling the ownership of my contract that entitles the holder my services in combat, and my full loyalty.”

“You’re not making it sound any better. Plus, we’re straying from the topic.”

Putting her legs on the couch and crossing her legs, she turns to me.

“How do I put this in a way that you’d understand? Charon, you and I are lucky that this happened in the safety of my home. I can’t have you slipping into an episode in the middle of the wasteland. You won’t be able to protect me, or yourself. You'd become a liability instead of an asset.”

“I think I understand now. Very well. I shall allow you to treat me,” I tell her, and she gives me a sigh of relief. I look at her expectantly, and she gives me a questioning look.

“What?”

“If you have any procedures to do, I’m allowing you to do so.”

My mistress rubs her face. “This isn’t like the time I patched up the wounds on your back, Charon. This process could take months, or even years. It’s a gradual thing.”

I didn’t respond. I didn’t feel the need to.

“But we can take small steps. Just one thing at a time,” she continues, a slight smile on her face. Percy picks up her book again, and scoots a little closer, the dog nestled between us.

“Do you have any hobbies? Things you do for fun or leisure?” she asks me, that expectant look on her face again. I pause to think. I couldn’t answer. “None.”

“None? You do nothing in your spare time?”

“I wasn’t given the luxury of having ’spare time’ by my previous employers, miss.”

Percy’s shoulders sag further. There’s a look on her face that I haven’t seen in anyone in a long time. Pity. Most people would have fear on their faces when they see me. Not this one. She smiles. She feels worried for me. It relieves and overwhelms me at the same time. But pity? I don’t need it. Especially not from an employer. My function is to serve them.

She must’ve realized the look on her face, because she clears her throat and shrugs her shoulder. “Well then, we have plenty of time to look for activities you’ll enjoy.”

As my mistress continues to flip through her book, Dogmeat perks his head up and gives my ruined face a lick. His fur is no longer as dirty as it was when he found him. Probably Percy’s doing. I couldn’t stop myself. I ran my rough hands on his head to pet him, and the dog started wagging his tail. I glanced at Percy, and she was looking, that smile on her face again, and looked away just as I saw it. She clears her throat and flips to a page.

“Let’s start with grounding techniques.”

December 26, 2277.

It’s the day after Christmas. I can’t remember if I even celebrated it before the war, but Percy’s father insisted we stay with him to celebrate. Percy pulled me aside and told me that her father is religious, and though she never was, she still celebrates religious holidays with him and asked me to play along. My mistress looked uncomfortable and on edge the entire time. Though James was all smiles the entire time, there’s a scrutinizing look on James’ face; Percy shares the same look when we talk to strangers. It makes me feel wary.

Hours before James’ death, I was returning from an errand Percy gave me when I can vaguely hear her argument with her father from another room, muffled by the walls of the memorial.  I wasn’t supposed to listen to a private conversation between a father and his child but I heard my name being mentioned by the doctor.

“Persephone Zhou! That is malpractice! And you’re living under the same roof too?!”

“He has no one else! What, just because I patch him up and I help him cope with his problems -” Percy’s. Her father cuts her off before she can finish.

“Honey, you are Charon’s doctor. And from what you’ve told me, you’ve been providing him services as a psychiatrist too. I can’t even find the words to describe how unethical this… dalliance of yours with him.”

“Dad! Oh my God, we’re not in a relationship! Where are you even hearing those rumors?!”

Though the mistress had been good to me, I can imagine the look of disgust on her face when her father suggested such a thing. Ghouls and smoothskins don’t do relationships, no matter how kind a smoothskin may be. That’s just the way things were.

“I’m sorry, Percy. Word travels fast. I’ve heard some concerning rumors about you and your ghoul friend.”

“Dad, if I did stay in the vault and became the head physician because you left and they killed Jonas, would I be disallowed to pursue any sort of connection because I’m the only doc in that hole? I’d be married to the job like you were after mom died? Is that it?”

“The circumstances are different and you know it. The vault is a very insular community so we had to rely on each other for social support. It would die out if its members did not reproduce or adapt to changes.”

“Dad, you’ve been in the wasteland. There’s just pockets of settlements here in DC, and doctors are scarce. Psychs and people training to be one are even scarcer. Would you call it unethical if they pursued friendships or fell in love with someone who they patched up so many times from being shot at by raiders? Or someone they counseled from all the violence in the wasteland? Jesus, dad, the American Psychiatric Association doesn’t even fucking exist anymore. It’s in ruins. I can even take you there.”

“Watch your language! I didn’t raise you to be disrespectful, Persephone.”

“I’m sorry. But how I say it doesn’t change the fact.”

“The fact is it’s still highly unethical. There are still institutions that exist that teach medicine and they would not approve of your point of view. How did you think I became a doctor?”

“I’m not arguing with you any further, dad. I’ll go run your errands now.”

“Fine. But we’re not done talking, young lady.”

December 27, 2277.

It’s two hours past midnight. Percy’s screams and the sound of her baseball bat crashing against the metal of an old car echo through the scrapyard.

Only after accompanying the scientists to the Citadel, getting in a fist fight with a Brotherhood paladin for almost not allowing us inside because of my presence, and locating a thing called a GECK on the Brotherhood’s computers, did she finally allow herself to grieve her father. And she grieved hard.

At the sound of the bat snapping, she let out another scream and threw the broken weapon across the threshold. On her hands and knees, her glasses fell from her face, then she bruised her knuckles punching the dirt. Only then did I intervene, gently holding her arms and keeping it to her side. To my surprise, she doesn’t thrash or fight back. She froze for a minute, before curling into a ball and crying out as she settled against my chest.

The events that led to James’ death play over and over again in my head. If I hadn’t slowed her down…

“Percy, may I say something?”

She looks up to me, nodding, fresh tears staining her cheek. Her lips are trembling. She finally allowed herself to cry.

“I slowed us down. If I had overcome my episode faster, we would have gotten back to the rotunda and prevented the incident. It cost your father’s life. If you should punish me, or sell my contract, I will accept-”

“No!”

The word came out of her mouth as a broken cry.

“Don’t blame my dad’s death on yourself, Charon. It’s the fucking Enclave’s fault, and no one else’s. You- we, we did the best we could,” said my mistress, sniffling.

“I understand.”

She draws closer and puts her arms around my neck, and my brain misfires at the gesture. It’s like someone set me on fire, but it doesn’t hurt. I had carried and held her before, but nothing like this. My heart was jumping to my throat. Warm against me, she buried her wet face at the crook of my neck. Another sob wracked her body and before I could think, my arms pulled her in an embrace, stilling her.

This isn’t the first time she sought comfort from my presence. She did so every time there were thunderstorms. I never dared to touch her, though a part of me wanted to draw circles in her skin and watch it bounce against my finger instead of flaking off, like mine does.

This is the first time I allowed myself to hold her too.

We remained like that for the next twenty or so minutes, then Percy breaks the silence.

“Charon.”

“Yes?”

“Don’t ever leave me. Please?”

“I’ll stay by your side as long as you will have me.”

Her arms stiffened in response.

“Are you saying this just because of the contract, or do you mean it? Please. Be honest.”

There it goes again. My breath hitching in my throat. I didn’t know how to respond. My mistress looks at me expectantly with her bloodshot eyes.

“It doesn’t matter.”

She pulls away from the embrace, and she doesn’t look at me as she picked up her glasses and collected herself. Dogmeat, who was terrified by her venting, finally sidles up to her side again and licks her hand. Percy pets him and embraces him in return, burying her face in the mutt’s fur and planting kisses on his forehead.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wonder what that would feel like every time Percy does it to the dog.

On the way to Megaton, she tinkers with the radio on her Pip-Boy, and a broadcast neither of us ever heard before comes in.

“Charon.”

“Yes?”

“I need to go home.”

When we arrived at the entrance of Vault 101, only then did I realize that she didn’t mean her house in Megaton. She let out a shaky exhale as the heavy vault door started to open after she put a password in the terminal.

“Welcome to my childhood home.”

[chaoticspacefam]

Love headcanons for Ni’kasi? c:

Thank you for asking! I was hoping somebody would pick Kas, her answers are fun ones! :D ask is from here: [x] if anybody wants to ask for a different character, go for it! I really like this ask meme a lot :)

(I’m about to head off for the night but I’ll get to any others in the box when I get up in the morning!)

When they discover they’re got a crush: Denial. So, so much denial. It’s the kind of vulnerability that makes her feel almost uncomfortable, and her first immediate reaction is to try and talk herself out of it. It’s not happening, she’s not falling for them, nope. If she repeats it enough times it’ll go away and she won’t want them anymore. This, of course, does not usually work :P

How they confess/hint: Not at all subtle, and not in a good way. Ni’kasi can’t flirt for shit, her pick up lines are worse than dad jokes and most of the time she just won’t bother because she knows they’re terrible. XD Confessions of feelings are never subtle and are usually blurted out as is after weeks or even months of denial and frustration when she just can’t possibly ignore it anymore, or she’s backed into a corner and directly asked/confronted about it i.e. “Why do you suddenly care so much all of a sudden?” “Because I love you and I hate seeing you like this so just take my comfort/affection damn it”

Big gestures of love: Tucking her in when she falls asleep/sitting with her and letting her fall asleep near/on them, badgering her to make sure she goes to sleep if she’s particularly overzealous with her work, giving her space when she needs it (just because she loves them doesn’t mean she wants them hanging off her arm all the time!),  having her back in fights etc., cooking for her - even if it’s a disaster and it turns out burnt to hell, it’s the thought that counts

Little gestures of love: little gifts here and there, flowers, chocolates and so on, making her kaf just the way she likes it, sitting with her quietly while she works just to be near her, checking up on her throughout the day with little questions like “did you eat lunch today?” or asking “how was work?” when she gets home

How to win their heart: Be yourself, willing to help her out and come to her defence when she asks for it but not treating her like a wallflower that needs 24/7 saving, choosing to back her up and/or stay with her even when you have the option to cut and run and move on with your life

How to break their heart: Forcing her to choose between them and her family, especially her sister, actively trying to separate her from them. They need to understand that her sister is the one person in the entire galaxy that she loves more than them, they have been through hell and back together and if they try to pull “it’s me or her”, they’re going to lose. Family always comes first, and even if she loves them and considers them part of the family because of that, blood is thicker than water...her sister will always win. It will break her heart but she’ll boot you up the ass so fast you won’t see it coming, it’s not up for discussion, there’s the door. She doesn’t want to see you again. 👋👋

Tiny little turn-ons: little notes left in her office to keep her thinking of them,  a whisper in her ear as you pass her in the hall, a subtle wink and a smile, hugs or touches that last just a little too long, making the move first/telling her they want her instead of making her come to them

Big turn-ons: Soft growls or mumbling her name as they pull her in close, fingers trailing down her spine, neck kisses, power dynamics, pin her down and manage to keep her there and she’ll practically melt

Things that make their heart flutter: Bright, full smiles, genuine unforced laughter, bringing her little nonsensical things just “because they reminded you of her” or “you thought she’d find it interesting”, remembering her favourite things whether it be a colour, a piece of music, a particular food or drink etc.

Their type: “Tough guys” that are secretly quite chivalrous when the mood strikes them, who respond to a snarky remark with an even better one in retort instead of getting offended or crying about it.

Ideal date: Dinner out at a restraunt is nice, doesn’t have to be super fancy or high class, just...dinner somewhere with them, a leisurely stroll back to their place followed by curling up on the couch with a blanket and a “bad holo-documentary” that she can mock while they laugh at the jokes until they fall asleep together, either there on the couch or them carrying her to bed once she gets too drowsy to stay awake anymore

Past relationships: None of particular note (i.e. they are unnamed except for Urtel Moren hahaha), but has had a handful of short flings here and there but ultimately cut them loose after a few months at most or when it became clear they saw her as an object to be won or a resource they could exploit for their own gain. Urtel probably wouldn’t have lasted long either if he had lived, while he was sweet and respectful, he was just a little too deferant for her liking and she probably would have gotten bored of that and left him eventually, she likes a little bit of a challenge.  

How they might affect current relationships: Ni’kasi is overly-critical of potential partner’s motives and very closed off/secretive until she feels she has sussed them out and they aren’t simply after her for her power, status or social connections, she won’t commit to a relationship until she’s slept with them at least once, she’s been disappointed too many times and she’s not going to trap herself into a commitment with someone who isn’t interested in meeting her needs too - she’s a somewhat finicky woman to “please” and most of them “aren’t worth the trouble more than once” in her words exactly ;) 

‘Goals’ in a relationship (marriage, kids, a house, etc): Definitely kids for Ni’kasi, she wants to keep her family bloodline going, and that’s kind of the point of it! Marriage as well is nice but not a 100% requirement, but she does want children, and ends up marrying and having 3 with Jask and Andronikos (respectively) in both verses that she’s in at the moment!

Any other love headcanons: She plays hard to get, and she plays it HARD. Though she’s not shy about getting physical and she’s certainly not a “wait until marriage” girl (she’s a Sith after all!), if you want something long-term with actual feelings/an emotional bond attached then she is going to test you and put you through your paces first, if you give up too quickly you aren’t worth her time and she’ll quickly get bored and move on.

[azrcxlfatale]

under the cut you’ll find saint’s intro, its just a brief run down for now until i get bio pages up but it should help get a sense of the boyo all the same !! he is gentle and friend shaped is all i can say ajjdfg. THIS HAS NOW BEEN UPDATED WITH LIKE FIVE EXTRA LIL MORE CURRENT HEADCANONS! [ they r just like for his own growth nothing major has happened with saint and he’s still fundamentally the same as he was bc he’s always been a more laidback and less tragic muse but feel free to read em bc they do help contextualise how he’ll be career wise and with grandmami] : 

   CHWE SAINT: 

so for the best part of his life saint was raised with his ‘grandmami’ as he terms her, but she’s better known to the whole island as ajumma solmi. for this reason he’s very doting toward her and a real grandma’s boy. he bakes with her often and they can often be found on street corners selling cheap priced but some of the finest flowers to the citizens because it’s grandmami’s tradition and its mostly done in hope to uplift the islanders and bring joy to their day in a small way and act of love. 

when i say doting i mean doTInG, he will help her in and out of chairs, help her cross streets, hold the groceries for her as she crosses, open doors for her even if grandmami insists he stops fussing because ffs saint ur making me look ancient and i’ll have u know i am still fighting fit and could knock any idiot on his ass with a fliCk of my finger. ajdhf. she is v fiery, if saint is like the picture of elegance and good manners then grandmami is the sTARK contrast. she has one hell of a potty mouth and just a no time for ur shit attitude. if anything saint is keeping her in line, not the other way around. 

his quirk is warp gate. he rlly just uses it to entertain himself mostly and help give his pals quick escapes when a prank of some sort has gone wrong. he can basically create portals out of a dark fog which can either be emitted through his breath or openings at the end of his fingers which he can activate, anyone can also use his portals to travel so long as he’s given them permission.

he just exudes sunshine rlly. is well known round the island for his out of this world smile which has been known to charm many. he is a very eligible and sought after bachelor but saint is like...not interested mostly bc he just like has no romantic awareness ahdhfhf not bc he doesn’t want it. and also bc he doesn’t like the way it’s mostly super young girls and guys just like awestruck by him. it feels a little too much like he’s a collective childhood crush by his groupies so yeah he is OBLIVIOUS. 

very humble and incredibly polite. just really down to earth whenever spoken to but being raised by an elderly person kinda makes u a little outdated, for this reason saint is kind of demure and bad at conversation mostly due to the fact he can easily talk for hours about his plans for baking with grandmami later, the book he read her this morning, the lovely walk they took in that gorgeous spot which he rlly recommends etc but he is god awful at talking about like typical young people stuff. 

lot of ppl think he plays hard to get, this is not true, saint just fr does not know how to fuckin speak and is the most oblivious person in the world to how to flirt, he’s easily flustered but bad at knowing when he’s being flirted with or if this person is just rlly nice and is usually too shy and respectful to rlly push luck by flirting in response hfhfjkg. USELESS. 

very 70′s/80′s aesthetic bby boy, sweet summer child. he is obsessed with old classic black and white films, had a collection before he moved to the island which he misses like everyday but luckily he has memorised ten million quotes. also collected records. obsessed with anything retro, is a collector of gaming merch. but he didn’t get to sneak much to the island :-( the only thing he rlly snuck was a small record stash. liked roller skating, bowling, drive in movies. dresses very retro but refined and classy with lots of layering. rlly good knowledge of classic literature. 

most likely to find him at the arcade in the funzone now on the island, he is a master at all the games but esp the old retro ones, usually goes early morning or late evening so he can spend hours uninterrupted on them and beat his high score everyday a bit more. if not there then he’ll be at zen’s computer gaming instead. he likes all tech really but prefers retro, he’s still figuring out modern. before coming to the island he was rlly getting into VR. if he’s not in either of these places, he’ll be on the beach in a volleyball match or doing a jog. still v much into his sports. 

ultimate sike power cause people think he looks like ur typical jock fuckboy but jokes on u he is pure of heart and dumb of ass himbo just blessed with ethereal looks, he is the breed of good lil boyo and that is all. 

obsessed with milkshakes and popcorn at the diners if he’s ever there u can guarantee that is what he is snacking on or treating himself to. his weakness is churros he fucken thinks that shit SLAPS. he’ll do anything if the prize is churros.  sMH someone help his diet. also loves fiddling with the jukeboxes there ajdjd. 

has two pet geckos one is peach colored and called zelda, the other is black and white leopard spotted and named zeus and he also has a chonk of a fluffy grumpy white cat called yoshi. he is the best. saint is a huge animal lover but probably still not on nyx’s level of dog worshipper. 

weeb. not as big of a one as nyx but he likes haikyuu, kuroko no basket, given, fruits basket, free! and yuri! on ice. he is very into anything that is slice of life or sports anime. 

has the nickname ‘koda’ bc of the movie brother bear, nicknamed after the lil baby bear cause he just reminds people of a baby bear ahdhd. 

he studies art, spends half his life in the studio working, big art nerd. once he gets in the work mode, he just does not stop for anything but water and snacks and goes at it all day into half the night. usually does big projects bc he loves a challenge. mostly paints, sometimes sketches. u know those vids of people mixing paint colors like a swatch of gold and turquoise? saint fuckin loves those so bad unf he does that all the time to calm himself. 

still lives with grandmami currently, he’s looking at getting his own place bc everyone tells him if he ever wants to have his own life then he needs to but he’s just v anxious about leaving grandmami on her own bc she getting older by the day and she’s all he has sO she cannot get hurt!! 

also in a bit of a dilemma with his art bc he kinda wants to make something out of it, like maybe teach some classes sort of thing and use it more as a career but right now he does not have the confidence in his ability and is mostly just doing it for fun and as a calming thing ( he’s an idiot he’s rlly fucken good pls someone make him take himself seriously )

never cusses but does say bitchin a lot, only ever uses fuck in bed basically so if u ever hear him say it then u know something next level has gone down bc saint refuses to swear even if he stubbed his pinky toe.

looks like a cinnamon roll but HE FUCKS!! boy is a kinky freak however saint has no shame or embarrassment like he will discuss it as casually as a discussion of what to have for dinner not bc he is like lewd but purely bc to him its rlly natural and like another form of art and he does not get the embarrassment or secret nature of it all like it is just factual to him that we come into the world like that and ppl enjoy it sometimes ajsj. 

gardening enthusiast!! has a fascination with studying plants and insects tbfh. still uses 70′s and 80′s kewl kid slang like unironically someone help him pls. sjjdjf. cute bonus fact: has freckles all over his shoulders and down his back. UWU. 

COUPLE OF CONNECTION IDEAS OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD??: 

i would love for him to have a muse for art and/or to be someone’s muse. also and maybe interchangeably someone to kinda be his art mentor and be like saint u could pursue this fr if thats ur dream, then do it pls share this talent dont let ART DIE!!

someone he does gardening and insect studies with who gets his nerdy enthusiasm over it. 

a regular who gets flowers from him and grandmami, maybe he makes a special bouquet for them every day which always has a different meaning in the flower language bc he is soft like that ajjfl

someone who he can take on loads of cute lil platonic diner dinner dates bc he is a huge foodie as we can tell. this one is super fun like I imagine they scam tf outta restaurants that are over priced and for the elite by being like we all kno married couples or people getting engaged, celebrating anniversaries etc tend to get better deals on their meals. so he’s essentially doing this one bc he likes ur muses company and enthusiasm for food but also bc it means cheaper high quality meals for both and a guaranteed good time.

someone to nerd out with him over classic literature or films bc that would be hella cute

maybe someone who is also close with his grandmami and rlly loves spending time with her as well so he kinda trusts them to take care of her and trusts their judgement when they r like saint chill let the lady live okay go and do ur own shit akskf

he usually jogs alone but it would be cool for him to have someone to do that with and like table-tennis and shiz cause he just loves fitness activities and active leisure stuff too. 

maybe someone who is tryna teach him a little more about how to uH TALK LIKE SOMEONE HIS DAMN AGE AND STOP BEING SOME RETRO MAN STUCK IN MODERN TIMES AJDJD

UPDATES:

so a lot about saint hasn’t overly changed because like he just is and has always been a very wholesome laidback boyo but just a few bits of like additional info for his personal growth can be added:

he’s owner and manager of the florist now, grandmami is also there most of the time and handles a lot of stuff when she’s feeling up to it but with her getting more tired more easily from her illness saint needs to head everything really.

he grew up in a neighbourhood on hosu which like consisted of his entire street pretty much being full of his aunts and uncles so now like it’s a street just littered with all his tiny cousins who like to follow him about everywhere and play ball games etc on the street with him and kinda take it over shs. you can hear their joyful playing from like streets over it’s very cute.

his mother gave him up when she realised she was pregnant with him and too young to raise him and that it would hinder her from pursuing the life she wanted with his father. saint doesn’t hold any resentment for her choice, it only bothers him that his grandma has always had a serious illness since the early days of talks of her having no choice but to take him on and that despite this his mother allowed him to be left to her care and another burden on her when she was already so ill.

grandmami is now at a point where she’s hanging in there but she won’t have long left and saint is essentially now her live in carer till her final days which is hard af for him but he refuses to let it show. he’s not sure how he’ll function when he loses her. right now he’s trying to extend the florist business into a wellness one as well and more of an apothecary so he can keep himself stable and busy.

this is more just a cute fun fact but he’s a Christmas Eve baby. uwu lil boyo was born on the night before Christmas bc of course he was sdjdj.