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ak11-content · 10 months ago

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Our first guest is SELF's January cover star Ali Krieger. You may know Ali is a decorated soccer player who is coming off a national Women's Soccer league championship win with New York, New Jersey, Gotham last season, which also happened to be her retirement season. But Ali is quick to remind people that soccer is just something she does, it's not who she is. So I'll also add that she's a vocal advocate for important social justice issues, a mom of two and a great friend to her nearest and dearest. I had the pleasure of interviewing her for SELF's January cover story, which is out now, and I'm so excited to be talking to her again today. Ali, welcome to the show.

Ali: Hi. Thank you so much for having me.

Rachel: Of course. So let's get into it. Um, the first time we're gonna ask you, or the first younger self I'm gonna ask you to give advice to is your childhood self. So before we get into the advice, I'd love to know what were you like as a kid?

Ali: I, um, I was shy. I was reserved, um, somewhat calm. That's definitely not how I am on the, on the soccer field.

Rachel: (laughs).

Ali: But I, I just followed my brother around all the time. He was super active and, um, you know, just always wanting to play and, and hang out. So we had to really, we had a really good childhood. I feel like everything was at our fingertips. We grew up in, you know, uh, Dumfries in Northern Virginia. And, um, yeah, we were just hanging out with friends, playing sports, and just enjoying family time. Ultimately, I always wanted to just be around my brother hanging out, and I learned a lot from him too along the way.

Rachel: That's so cute. And he's 13 months older than you, right?

Ali: Yes, yes. We're 13 months apart. Mm-hmm.

Rachel: That's amazing. When did you start playing soccer?

Ali: I played soccer when I was about five or six. Um, I played with my brother on a team called Cosmos, an indoor team where we were like five and six years old. And, um, I remember our green jerseys and every time you'd score you get like a little, you know, iron on star on the back, and, uh, unfortunately I don't think I still have that jersey, but it was really fun because I just wanted to be as good as he was.

Rachel: That's really cute. Well, I, I guess, I guess you did catch up to him eventually.

Ali: (laughs). Yeah.

Rachel: (laughs). Well, when you think back on a time when you were a kid that you really could have used a little guidance from your current self, what comes to mind?

Ali: I think just only controlling the controllables. I think throughout life, you know, you have to fight through adversity. You endure a lot mentally, physically, emotionally, especially within sport. And it's okay to make mistakes, it's okay to fail because when you do, you learn the most. And so I think, you know, just being comfortable in that chaotic, um, environment because along the way I learned that not every coach is gonna like me. Uh, not every coach is gonna value me and appreciate me, but you, you know, have to continue to, you know, go down this path that you want and in order to, to be as successful as you want and how you dream. I think just having that advice, uh, would, would help a lot of the younger girls like it, or, and boys like it did for me.

Rachel: That's really great. And you mentioned you were shy. Was there anything that helped you kind of come out of your shell a little bit?

Ali: I think I was shy because my brother was just nonstop talking (laughs), so like, and I would just follow him and do whatever he did, so.

Rachel: Mm-hmm.

Ali: Um, and I felt comfortable in that. Uh, he was, you know, more of like, uh, a leader when we were younger and I just, you know, wanted to be like him and always around him. So, um, he would always do the talking for me. So I-

Rachel: (laughs).

Ali: ... think, um, eventually I broke outta my shell, but I think early on I was just, I don't know, just shy and reserved and then maybe soccer brought that other side out in me. And as, as I got older and I got, you know, better at the sport and I could feel that as a player, I, you know, gained more confidence.

Rachel: So the next younger self that I wanted to ask you about is what advice you would give to yourself when you were coming out. And I wanted to kind of preface this with queer people come out over and over again in their lives. So this question can apply to a specific coming out or maybe more when you're coming out to yourself 'cause both are important. Um, so I guess to me this is about a coming out that felt really significant to you and what advice you would give yourself when you were going through that.

Ali: Yeah, for sure. I mean, going way back when my brother came out to me when he was a senior in high school, I think it was towards the end of his high school, um, career. Um, and he was moving on to college and he was about to go to spring break and he sat down and he told me he is, you know, he's gay and he's into, um, men and I, I didn't really know what that meant. I was just happy that he expressed that to me and I said, "You know, I don't care who you love, I support you either way, and I love you so much." And so I think I'm lucky to, you know, I've, I've, you know, thought that at that age-

Rachel: Yeah.

Ali: ... 'cause I just didn't know what it meant, you know, we were-

Rachel: Definitely.

Ali: ... we grew up in such a vanilla town and, um, you know, nothing was really visible when I was young. And so then moving on to college, I had this, you know, experience of seeing more visibility with, um, you know, queer individuals. And there were, you know, a couple pairs of, you know, individuals on my team who you know, came out as lesbian, but also just bi or, you know, just were discovering their sexuality at the time. And I didn't really understand it. I just thought men could be together.

Rachel: Yep. Mm-hmm.

Ali: So I'm grateful that I finally stepped into that space because then-

Rachel: Definitely.

Ali: ... a lot to me made sense, even though I had a boyfriend in college for like three and a half years. I then, you know, felt that there was something about me that might want to discover more. And, um, you know, going through this like self-discovery, um, and moving to Germany and playing there for five and a half years, I really, um, was more exposed to an environment that was, I think more accepting of, you know, um, my sexuality and discovery of myself. And I just kind of went for it. And I, you know, uh, was having really great experiences there and, and really finding myself more. And then coming back in 2012, um, that, that started with the NWSL and we started the league, um, and, and moved forward. And so I felt like coming back to the states with kind of this new perspective of, you know, life, but also, um, this new feeling I had of who I was as a human being and living my life, uh, more authentically and in this truth, I could then apply that to coming back home. And played in the NWSL. And then, uh, met my previous partner, um, and we were on the national team together. And then eventually in 2019, I mean, we were together for, since probably 2012, right around that time officially. And then from then till, you know, 2019, we didn't come out really because we were afraid we were gonna lose our job. But that was my, you know, that was a partnership where I felt super confident, comfortable. Um, but I was, I wasn't, as a public figure, I wasn't wanting to make it, you know, um, as public because that was the only thing at the end of the day where I could have some privacy.

Rachel: Yeah.

Ali: And so that's what I valued and that was more so the reason why I never spoke on it. Um, and also we had the same job, so I was afraid we were gonna lose our job.

Rachel: Yeah.

Ali: Playing at the highest level, you just dunno how people are going to react.

Rachel: Yeah.

Ali: And so I was more aware of that. And then, you know, getting sponsorship deals and things like that, I wasn't sure how you know, people and brands were gonna react to, to me and, and her at the time. Um, but then in 2019, we just felt like, you know what F it. Like we we wanna live our lives true and authentic, and we eventually wanna start a family and like, this is us. Right. If you don't like it, then bye.

Rachel: Yeah.

Ali: Um, you know, you need us more than we need you type of type of mentality. And so I think in 2019 was when we came out, um, as engaged. And then, um, the response was incredible. Which I never would've thought in a million years, um, unfortunately, which is crazy to say out loud.

Rachel: Yeah. Yeah.

Ali: But I, I never thought that it would be as good as it did, all of our brands and sponsorships. We even had more opportunities-

Rachel: That's amazing.

Ali: ... after the, we made this announcement and not everyone goes through that.

Rachel: Yeah. Yeah.

Ali: Right. Not everyone has that experience. And so I, I knew right away that okay, this is a situation where I feel super lucky and super grateful to be able to tell this story, uh, you know, a positive story of, you know, a queer couple or lesbian couple that, you know, had just come out and, and, uh, were engaged and he wants to live this life together. And so it, it, there's no right or wrong way to do it, it's just how you feel. And you have to make sure that it's what you want, not what anybody else wants. And that the right time for you might not be when somebody else, uh, asks you or when someone else, I don't know, puts it out there. It's just, it's, it's about how you feel and how you wanna approach it. And I felt like that time was good for me and I was willing to take that risk because I was afraid that I was gonna lose my job and, and other things in my life. So I just went for it and I just, I just felt it in my gut that it was right.

Rachel: Yeah. That's really nice. It's really scary, es- especially when the stakes are high like that. And it's, it sucks that we're still in a world where you weren't sure if it was gonna cost you endorsements or your role in this thing you worked so hard for. Like, but, you know, that's the reality. I'm glad that it went so well for you, but, you know, it's, it's still really scary. It's risky. I think it's so interesting what you said about that lack of visibility, because I think we're around the same age, and I've heard from so-

Ali: Yeah.

Rachel: ... many women this age when they're, who have had the reaction of like, "I didn't know women could be gay." Which is just, it sounds wild when you say that out loud, but like, I think we forget now because so much has changed. Like, it was like Ellen and that was it maybe, or like, maybe a joke on a sitcom, you know, like, it just, it was so different. And I think if you didn't see yourself, you're just like,"Okay, well I guess that's not me." And just like kept, you know, didn't think about-

Ali: Yeah.

Rachel: ... it again. And, and now so much has changed that a lot of women in their thirties and forties and older are realizing like, "Oh, this is something I was missing." And I think that's, that's so exciting because like you said, it is this expansive process where you realize there can be more for you. It's not, you're not losing anything. You have, you get to open yourself up to something new and that's so special.

Ali: Right. And I, you know, I, I was so happy that I was like, "Okay, this is what I've been feeling and missing. Like this is, these are a few answers now that I can take with me. That now I can kind of, you know, work on that and, and understand myself more on a deeper level," where before in college, I was like, "Who am I? What am I doing?" Why am I feeling this way? This is weird." Like, and, and so I feel now that I, from college stepping into, you know, my, um, my experience overseas, I was able to do a bit of self-discovery, which then gave me a whole new perspective on my life. And whether I wanted to be in a lesbian relationship or if I was, you know, experiencing, you know, more of bisexuality experiences. I, I was open to anything at the time because I was just like, "You know what? I could be free and this is me."

Rachel: Yeah.

Ali: "And let's just see where this goes." And, um-

Rachel: That's amazing.

Ali: Yeah. And you kind of just fill your cup slowly and you start, you know, really discovering yourself more. And I, I really am so grateful for that experience. Um, and, and finally being in a, in an environment where it was okay, uh, to, to be me.

Rachel: Well, I wanna pivot a little bit to talking about career stuff, because you've obviously had this really long career really, like filled with a lot of highs, but also there were some lows. Um, so I wanted to talk about the advice that you would give yourself when you didn't make the National Women's Soccer team-

Ali: Mm-hmm.

Rachel: ... 'cause I think we all go through career setbacks, obviously, but with sports, I think it can probably feel incredibly personal and the stakes are very high. Uh, so maybe if you could start by kind of telling people what happened if they're not familiar with the situation, and then the advice you would give yourself if you had to do it all over again.

Ali: Yeah. So I, um, was basically in 2017, I think was trying to continue to make the team, every year you'd have to fight for contracts every January at the time where it was you know, you would get a contract with a national team, and it wasn't like a pay-to-play model where you get invited in now, um, at any moment. And so it's always a bloodbath at a January camp where we're all fighting to make the team. And at the beginning I did, but then slowly I had, you know, just, it was probably after World Cup in 2015 where things started to get a little rocky. And I started to recognize, "Okay, like there's other players coming in and the coach doesn't necessarily value me as much as before, even though I just played 2015 every game in the World Cup." And it just, you know, it was a really difficult year for me. Um, slowly but surely, I, you know, stopped getting called in. Um, and I didn't really get a reason for that. There was never really a, you know, kind of like a closure. That was why it was so difficult for me to move forward um, in my career at the time. And I was devastated. I didn't get called back for a whole year and a half, almost two years. And right before the next World Cup, I get a call because, um, you know, they were in need of, of a defender. And I think I had proved myself, uh, through that time period, and I made it really difficult for them to ignore me. You know, just had the super laser focus of, "I wanna achieve this, and I know I can do it and I'm gonna do it." And I'm, like I said before, I just made it difficult for them to ignore me. And so ultimately my coach at the time gave me a call. We didn't really discuss the, the last-

Rachel: (laughs).

Ali: ... you know, two years because I said, "I'm in a different space now. I'm in a different you know, um, you know, mentality. I am super focused on where I'm at. I don't wanna bring up the past. Let's just like move forward. What do you need me to do? I'm here for the team, I'm here for you, and let's make it happen. Right? Like, I, I'm, I'm open to whatever you need from me, uh, in order to help this team be successful." And so I ended up getting called back into the last camp before the team was chosen for 2019.

Rachel: Wow.

Ali: And somehow, some way I got back into the team right before it mattered most, and we ended up going to World Cup and we ended up winning. And I actually, um, I didn't play as often as they did in 2015 and 2011. But I did get a chance to go into, um, two games. And then the final, I had to, she called on me, uh, when one of our right back, um, Kelly O'Hare, who's my teammate now, she unfortunately had a bad head injury. It was like a concussion so, right before halftime. So then I get the call to, to go in and fill her spot-

Rachel: Wow.

Ali: ... in the second half of the final. And I couldn't believed that. I was just like, "Alright, this is why I'm here. This is exactly why."

Rachel: Yeah. [inaudible 00:15:41] you spent years preparing for this.

Ali: Yeah. Like, just these, these 45 minutes. "This is why I'm on this team right now." And we were 0-0 at the time. So I was so grateful that I could help the team win.

Rachel: Yeah.

Ali: And we won two, nothing. And so that, that's kind of that experience. But I always tried to stay positive. It's easy to to get, you know, into your, into your head and, you know say all the things and reasons why, you know you're not there. But I immediately changed that perspective. I, trust me, it was a really dark time.

Rachel: Yeah.

Ali: And I remember, you know, uh, uh, just like wanting to just quit. And I was so frustrated, I was so angry for the longest time. But then I said, "You know what? Like, that's not me. I, I know how good I can be and I know how I can help this team. So let me turn that on, turn that around into a positive and, and get to work."

Rachel: Yeah. That makes sense. And sometimes it helps to let yourself have that period first-

Ali: Mm-hmm.

Rachel: ... just to be mad and to feel bad, and to not talk yourself out of it, or try to fix it-

Ali: Right.

Rachel: ... or go to the gym right away. Sometimes you just have to be upset-

Ali: Mm-hmm.

Rachel: ... and angry, and then you can get through it. But you're like, "I, I'll, I'll get there eventually. But today there's a little time for wallowing and, and mourning and just, you know, feeling bad," and there's nothing you can do. But it sounds like you really brought a level of focus that I'm just sort of in awe. 'Cause it's hard enough to train, but training when you're kind of down, when you're already, when you're coming from that like vulnerable position, I imagine is so much harder.

Ali: It is. It's really difficult. Yeah. But you just gotta push through. And then, you know, as athletes, you know, everything's at risk, right? But it's worth it in the end if it works out. And so you never know that answer until you try.

Rachel: So the last, um, pass up I wanna ask you about is a little bit more recent. Um, and I wanted to ask you about the advice that you would give yourself as a new mom. So as people listening, probably know you are mom to Sloan and Ocean, who are very young. So you were a new mom not so long ago, which is a famously really difficult period. And I'm curious what you, what advice you would give yourself looking back now?

Ali: Um, I would just say (laughs) buckle in because (laughs), nothing ever goes as planned. You could prep all you want, prepare for, you know, anything and everything. Um, but it really just day-to-day, you have to be willing to, um, kind of just be open to whatever comes. And, um, you always have to think of what if as a mom. So, uh, it's kind of like a spontaneous day-to-day. I, I never know what the day's gonna bring. I'm as prepared as I can be, but, you know, some days the kids can be great, some days they be terribly sick, some days they're gonna have tantrums, some days, you know, everything's gonna flow perfectly. And, you know, all the meals are gonna work out. I mean, I, I literally think that, um, I would tell myself just buckle in because, um, you have to make sure you're, you're open to anything that's, you know, that that could happen. And, and patience is gonna be key.

So no matter how my kids are acting or feeling, or I'm always trying to stay calm in the way that I speak to them too. Um, you know, if they're yelling and screaming and then I'm yelling and screaming and saying, "Stop, or Don't do this or that," you know, that's just not the way that I approach, um, you know, how I am parenting. And so I feel like if I stay consistent, even though sometimes I do wanna yell, and you gotta just like, you know, you get angry and you're frustrated and you just need like, two minute break and you wanna lock yourself into the pantry. But I, I try to stay as calm as I can and just kind of have like, you know a steady, a steady response.

Um, and then I think kids, young kids, ultimately they don't understand why they're feeling certain ways that they're feeling, whether that be really happy, sad, frustrated, all the things, uh, and all the emotions. I would tell myself just allow that to happen. And, um, and just embrace them more instead of tell them what to do about it. Because I would tell Sloan even now, 'cause sometimes she doesn't understand her feelings that you know, I just try to give her a hug and console her and embrace her because I always say, "Listen, it's okay to feel the way that you're feeling." Um, but if she's say throwing things or hitting something, or I'm always like, "It's okay that you're feeling upset or sad or angry or frustrated, but it's not okay to throw your things or your food or…” So I want to allow and give space for all the feelings and emotions because unfortunately as a kid, I don't, um, think that I expressed my feelings and emotions enough. So I think maybe telling my younger self before having kids just allow your kids to feel those emotions and feelings and, and just embrace, uh, the tantrums and-

Rachel: (laughs).

Ali: ... uh, the yelling and the crying and all the things, because those are emotions too. And those are just as important as being happy and excited and joyful.

Rachel: I think that's great advice for new parents. But I also think it's great advice for adults for themselves to just let themselves feel what they're feeling and, and name, what they're feeling and understanding why. I think a lot of people struggle with, you know, they, they know they're feeling something, but it is hard to name it or to understand why they are, you know, maybe acting out or are doing something that they don't, they look back and they regret. So I think just. all of us can probably benefit from pausing and thinking about our emotions, but not trying to stop them. But I imagine as a parent, you probably wanna step in and fix it, and it's really hard to just like step back and, and let them feel what they're feeling without intervening.

Ali: Right. And just giving them time to process.

Rachel: Definitely. All right, Ali, my last question for you, since this is about advice, is what is the best advice you've ever been given?

Ali: Okay. So Sue Bird actually told me this, and I think it was from Will Smith, a quote from him. I, uh, maybe we can fact check this.

Rachel: (laughs).

Ali: But, uh, when I was really going through that hard time, we went on vacation, um, with her and, and Megan and I had asked them both. I said like, "You know, what do you see? Do I hang out my boots? Like, am I that bad? Like, am I not... Like what am I not doing? Like what am I not seeing? This is crazy.” But she had said this to me that I had carried through every, ever since, um, and then she said, "As an athlete, or just even as a human being, um, if you stay ready, you never have to get ready."

Rachel: Rachel here. So we did fact check this, just to be sure. Turns out Will Smith is known for saying, "So if you stay ready, you ain't gotta get ready." And that is how I run my life. But Dejuan Walker AKA Suga Free wrote and performed the 1997 single titled, If You Stay Ready and it includes the lyrics, if you stay ready, you ain't gotta get ready.

Ali: And that is the mentality that I took into my training preparing to get back to the national team during that you know, tumultuous time. And that daunting, confronting time that I had, uh, those two years where I had kind of this whole self-discovery, but that was always in the back of my mind because I knew there was a possible phone call that would be coming. And I needed to be ready for that opportunity 'cause if I wasn't prepared and I wasn't ready, I wasn't gonna make it So I think that advice was gold for me in that moment. And I just, um, I took that along with me, uh, through those, you know, two years and, and then eventually made it back. And, uh, it all made sense then. And so I'm really grateful that she had, you know, given me that advice and that quote to, to really keep, uh, in order to, you know, achieve what I wanted to at the time.

Rachel: Well, that is a really lovely note to end this on, and really good advice. I think that can apply to a lot of different situations. So, Ali Krieger, thank you so much for being here, being our first guest, sharing your wise words with our listeners, and we're so excited to see what you do next.

Ali: Thank you. I appreciate the invite and I can't wait to continue down this path and, uh, support SELF and your podcast.

Rachel: Thank you so much. Advice To My Younger Self was produced by Hayley Fager and Rachel Miller, and edited by Hayley Fager. Peyton Hayes is our audio production coordinator, and Jake Loomis is our audio engineer. Caitlin Brody and Sergio Kletnoy are our talent bookers.

Transcript provided by Rev.com.

#ali krieger

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probayern · 1 year ago

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Personally i think the reason why the coach topic has been chaotic lately is because bayern has always been held at a higher standard than everyone else. Losing one match out of 15 is not catastrophic in any way shape or form, its pretty normal really.

The problem seems to be that tuchel has yet to do proper convincing at bayern. None of his tactics have worked, he lacks system, makes random subs (if he even makes subs at all), neglects thomas' importance on the team and then subs him in when the team has problems thinking hes some sort of magic solution, thought signing kane was enough yet forgot to strengthen our defense and middle and don't even get me started on his controversial opinions outside the field (such as considering boateng, claiming his innocent due to retrial and saying he mediated between nous and peretz only to be revealed made nous apologize). I also agree sacking a coach quickly isn't right it should take time for a coach to accommodate within a new team, but even his bosses aren't convinced according to german media so i guess time will tell if he should get a second chance or not.

i mean yeah i definitely agree that tuchel has not convinced. i'm certainly not arguing that tuchel's bayern has been brilliant. however. i think some of it is not his fault--like the transfer decisions made in the summer, he was VERY vocal about wanting a midfielder, so i don't blame him for us not getting one--and some of it i'm not sure where i really stand anyway--like as much as i love thomas i don't think starting him more would fix any of our issues. i also think some of what he has done has been really quite good and is overlooked--until today we had only conceded 9 goals in the league despite having 3 cbs two of whom have been injured for many weeks at a time. and until november international break, our attack was really looking good. so, i do think that tuchel has done some good stuff, though obviously there are problems.

given that, do i really think another coach could come in and fix it all? i don't really think so. i know we all want to believe in the magic bullet but i think that's what the club thought tuchel was when they sacked nagelsmann (and i was VERY critical of nagelsmann) and it didn't work. it never really works for long periods at a time. what we really need is a good january window and to get into a groove at the right time. if it's still not working at the end of this year? sure, maybe, let's try something different. but the WORST case scenario here is doing exactly what we did last year--overreacting to a bad loss after a string of unconvincing performances--and bring someone new in and then have it not work AGAIN. then we would literally be a clown show. the way people laugh at chelsea? that's what i'm afraid of. i don't care if i have to watch a season of not my favorite football. i would care a lot if we become yet another clownshow superclub desperately trying to cling to past success

#ask #anon #bayern

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a-gay-a-day · 1 year ago

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Alice Walker

Alice Walker is a novelist best known for her work the Color Purple. As a child, she was blinded by a BB gun in one eye, and after that incident she began to write in earnest. Her writing primarily centers around African American issues, and she is well known for her work within black feminist circles.

Alice walker coined the term womanist, which she uses to describe black feminists, saying that it gives black women a word of their own to use when discussing the intersection between their race and gender. She has spoken out in defense of Julian Assange, supported boycotts against Israel, and spoken out against apartheid.

She has also been vocal in her position against transgender people, and has explicitly supported J.K. Rowling online. In an essay she wrote, she states that the use of the word "guy" for both men and women confuses children and that the "miracle" of the human body should not be tampered with. She has also been very antisemitic, supporting conspiracy theories against Jewish people, and the anti-defamation league has condemned her as "infected with antisemitism." She has also been called Antisemitic by Jewish friends and her own writing backs up this claim. She has dismissed these criticisms as an attempt to shut down her website.

To end on a queer note, she had relationships with both men and women. It is a bit of a shame that despite the impact she had on feminism and african-american literature, she decided that her bigotry was more important than her work, and therefore it saturated her online legacy so completely that it was easier to find antisemitic quotes from her than it was for me to find quotes about her own writing.

#cw: anti semitism #cw: terf #queer history #queer #gay history #gay #lgbt #type: person #lgbt history #alice walker

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qqueenofhades · 2 years ago

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my undergrad gpa was really bad, but then my masters gpa was really high, so i hope my undergrad gpa won't affect my phd program admission 😂

the thing is, everyone knew i was smart during my undergrad. like, professors were always vocally impressed with my projects and presentations, students said that i explained stuff better than the professors did, my thesis was said to be one of the best thesis works that year BUT my mental health state was really really really bad and in the end of the day, it affected my gpa since i had a lot of absences.

i'm a lot better now, handle things a lot better and got my masters, my country isn't strict about gpa, so i hope my bachelors cgpa won't mean much.

ok i'm telling u all this bc i'm curious how are things in your uni/state, is undergrad gpa important for phd even if you have masters? 😂

Well obviously, things vary everywhere and it depends on where you're applying and for what program and so forth, but as a rule, graduate applications receive more attention than undergrads and they read them more holistically -- i.e. they take everything into account, rather than just the GPA-and-test-scores which can be the primary basis for admission at places that get a lot of applications. So while a middling-to-bad bachelor's GPA might make them look more carefully at other parts of your application, they do usually look at the whole picture. If you then had a very good master's program, they would in all probability weight that more highly than the undergrad.

As I mentioned in an earlier ask, I work at (for context) an American private university that is pretty good; not Ivy League, but we're generally ranked in the top 100 schools in the country and some of our graduate programs are top 20 in the world. Nonetheless, the minimum undergrad GPA we require for a graduate application is 2.5, so you don't NEED to have graduated cum laude from undergrad to get admitted to grad school, even a good school. Besides, admissions counselors in any school are generally aware that people can struggle in undergrad or have other issues that affect their overall GPA, and they would be more likely to lean toward your most recent experience, i.e. the master's degree.

As ever, however, this is just hypothetical, and will vary depending on your field, your intended degree, the school you want to go to (and in which country). If you get in contact with program admins/faculty beforehand and seek their help in putting together an application, which is generally the case with most PhD programs, you're also more likely to be successful and have a chance to explain your undergrad circumstances in more detail. If any of your undergrad professors write letters of recommendation for you, they can also address the situation specifically, so the admissions office knows that it's not just you saying that. But yeah, it it's definitely not a dealbreaker, especially if you're upfront about it and have a good master's degree to boot.

#anonymous #ask #school stuff

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existentialmagazine · 16 days ago

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Review: onedaybear explores the necessity of rebellion in his new alternative-rock single ‘Riot’

Based in Manchester, England, onedaybear has been hailing since his 2022 debut with plenty to say. With a self-recorded nature to his tunes, there’s something raw and personal in everything shared, connecting with the listener on a deeper level regardless of what’s being said or sung. His newest single ‘Riot’ is the perfect example of that, captivating with gritty themes that are necessary to be heard.

There’s something instantly dominant about the energy of ‘Riot’, thrust in your face with booming drum kicks and blaring electric guitar strings that exude both a warm ease and an unstoppable energy moulded into one. onedaybear’s vocals are the perfect match, a spoken-sung performance that’s low-toned and a little angsty in an Arctic Monkeys-esque manner. Between the edges of alternative rock and indie, ‘Riot’ finds itself in a league of its own, not defined by any one style or sound, instead seeping over the edges with a unique palette of noise.

As the sound shifts for the chorus, onedaybear leans into a stark change with echoey emo-backing vocals fronted by a soft vocal lead. Steady tumbling drums, bright chimes and guitar twangs also mellow out for a moment that’s filled with much more calm than the moments that preceeded it. Mirroring the narrative it tells, ‘Riot’ explores themes of rebellion throughout history, taking the verses for more poignant moments that cannot be ignored and choruses that are more hopeful and optimistic towards the future.

Noting significant moments such as the American War of Independence, ‘Riots’ reflects on individual attitudes towards life and the impact of media on society, making sure to explore topics that others daren’t. Opened by the line ‘if I wasn’t found and I wasn’t lost’, there’s an instantly poetic and yet real nature of the lyrics at hand, exploring the harshness and pain of rebellion without it being instantly recognisable as such. Continuing ‘clouds are starting to clear, why are you trying to be here?’, there seems to be a critical nature of these events in the past, seeking more peaceful resolve for our issues and yet facing the reality that many won’t listen without rebellion. Exploring the concept of rebellion as a catalyst for positive change through it all, ‘Riot’ is multifaceted and up for interpretation by many, delivering a slice of music that’s sure to resonate regardless.

With so much deep introspection and thought, it’s important to listen to ‘Riot’ for yourself here to dig deeper and understand.

Written by: Tatiana Whybrow

Photo Credits: Unknown

// This coverage was supported and created via Musosoup, #SustainableCurator.

#tatiana #review

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thej320 · 6 months ago

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Week 7: Transgender & Non-Binary Representations in Sports

Layshia Claredon

The narrative of inclusivity in sports has been significantly shaped by many courageous individuals, and one of those being Layshia Clarendon, whose presence in professional basketball challenges traditional norms and pushes the boundaries towards a more inclusive environment. Clarendon, a non-binary and transgender athlete, has navigated the complexities of identity and professional sports with grace and advocacy. Their decision to undergo top surgery and publicly embrace their non-binary identity marks a critical point of representation in sports (Bennett). This action not only highlights the personal aspect of their journey but also sets a precedent for acceptance and support within the sports community, encouraging others to acknowledge and embrace diversity in all its forms, beautifully. Clarendon's impact extends beyond their personal achievements on the court. They have been an outspoken advocate for the LGBTQ+ community, using their platform to discuss issues that affect non-binary and trans individuals. This advocacy is crucial in a time when sports institutions are still grappling with how to handle gender diversity. Clarendon's visibility and voice have prompted important conversations about inclusion of players, mental health, and the support needed from teams and leagues to ensure that all athletes can compete safely and successfully.

Another pioneer of embracing gender identity is Caitlyn Jenner. Caitlyn Jenner's public transition in 2015 brought transgender issues into mainstream conversation, highlighting the challenges and triumphs of the transgender community. Jenner's story is particularly compelling because of her history as an Olympic gold medalist, which gave her a unique platform to reach a wide audience. Her transition, detailed poignantly in her Vanity Fair interview, was a watershed moment for public awareness and acceptance of transgender people. Jenner has expressed that her decision to transition was driven by a need to align her external existence with her internal identity, regardless of the public scrutiny that followed (Sawyer).

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Since her transition, Jenner has been a vocal advocate for transgender rights, using her visibility to challenge stereotypes and educate the public about transgender issues. Her involvement in various campaigns and television series has helped to keep the conversation about transgender rights and challenges in the public eye. Jenner's activism demonstrates how influential figures can utilize their platforms to effect change and foster understanding across a broad audience. All of this shows the importance of continued advocacy and education on this topic.

The journeys of Layshia Clarendon and Caitlyn Jenner underline the critical need for continued advocacy and education in sports and society at large. While their stories are inspiring, they also remind us that the path to true inclusivity is berarded with challenges. Sports organizations, from youth leagues to professional teams, must develop policies that protect and affirm the rights of all athletes, including those who are transgender or non-binary. Education about gender diversity should be integrated into athletic training and management courses to cultivate an environment of respect and support.

As we all know, the media plays a crucial role in shaping perceptions about transgender and non-binary individuals. By promoting stories like those of Clarendon and Jenner, the media can help normalize transgender identities and experiences, thereby reducing stigma and promoting a culture of acceptance. The courage of athletes like Layshia Clarendon and public figures like Caitlyn Jenner in sharing their personal stories provides a beacon of hope for many in the transgender community. Their advocacy not only enriches their sports but also contributes significantly to the broader movement towards equality and understanding. As society continues to evolve, the stories of these remarkable individuals will undoubtedly play a pivotal role in shaping a more inclusive future in sports and beyond. Their legacies, marked by resilience and advocacy, will inspire future generations to carry forward the torch of diversity and acceptance.

Sources:

#women in sports #transgender athletes #Youtube

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technewseveryday · 10 months ago

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League of Legends Patch 14.4: Lethal Tempo Nerfs

Introduction

The League of Legends community is buzzing with excitement and relief as Patch 14.4 brings significant nerfs to the Lethal Tempo rune, impacting two highly disliked champions. This article delves into the community's response to these changes and explores the adjustments made in this patch.

The Impact of Lethal Tempo Nerfs

With Patch 14.4, Riot Games has addressed the concerns of many players by nerfing the Lethal Tempo rune. This rune has been a source of frustration for the community due to its overpowered nature, particularly when used by certain champions. Let's take a closer look at the impact of these nerfs on two of the most hated champions in League of Legends. Champion A: Nerf Details and Community Response Champion A, known for their ability to abuse Lethal Tempo, has been hit hard by the recent changes. The nerfs to Lethal Tempo have significantly reduced their early game dominance and late game scaling. The community has expressed their satisfaction with these changes, as they believe Champion A was too oppressive in the meta. Champion B: Nerf Details and Community Response Champion B, another champion notorious for abusing Lethal Tempo, has also been affected by the nerfs. The adjustments to Lethal Tempo have curbed their ability to snowball and dominate team fights. Players who have faced Champion B in the past are relieved to see these changes, as they felt the champion was unfair and unbalanced.

Community Feedback

The League of Legends community has been vocal about their thoughts on the Lethal Tempo nerfs in Patch 14.4. Many players have taken to social media platforms and forums to express their gratitude towards Riot Games for addressing this long-standing issue. The general consensus is that these changes have improved the overall balance and fairness of the game.

Changes in Patch 14.4

Aside from the Lethal Tempo nerfs, Patch 14.4 brings several other changes to League of Legends. These changes include adjustments to various items, bug fixes, and balance tweaks for other runes and champions. While the Lethal Tempo nerfs have stolen the spotlight, it's important to acknowledge the broader scope of changes in this patch. Item Changes Several items have received modifications in Patch 14.4 to enhance gameplay diversity and balance. Riot Games has carefully analyzed item statistics and player feedback to make these adjustments. Players can expect a more dynamic item meta with these changes. Bug Fixes Patch 14.4 also addresses numerous bugs that have been affecting gameplay. These bug fixes aim to improve the overall stability and performance of League of Legends, ensuring a smoother experience for all players. Other Balance Tweaks Riot Games has taken this opportunity to make additional balance tweaks to runes and champions. These adjustments are aimed at creating a healthier and more enjoyable gameplay environment. Players should keep an eye out for these changes and adapt their strategies accordingly.

Conclusion

The Lethal Tempo nerfs in League of Legends Patch 14.4 have been met with praise from the community. Champion A and Champion B, known for their abuse of this rune, have been significantly impacted, resulting in a more balanced and fair gameplay experience. Riot Games' responsiveness to player feedback is commendable, and the broader changes in Patch 14.4 further contribute to the overall improvement of the game. Players can now look forward to a more diverse and enjoyable meta in League of Legends. Read the full article

#champions #changes #communityresponse #LeagueofLegends #LethalTempo #nerfs #Patch14.4

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thetoxicgamer · 2 years ago

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NRG star Ardiis defends TenZ and calls VALORANT fans ‘braindead’ for recency bias

NRG, who had a rocky start to their VCT Americas season, now seems to be on the right track after escaping what would have been a devastating loss to the winless KRÜ team in yesterday's (April 25) Super Week encounter. Following the match, NRG’s imported addition in Ardis “ardiis” Svarenieks did not mince words when addressing the vocal portion of VALORANT fans with extreme recency bias. When speaking to Goldenboy, ardiis did not hold back toward those who are quick to judge players based on just a couple of matches. “I mean some fans are absolutely braindead,” ardiis said. “Like TenZ has won events, but TenZ has two bad games and everyone goes ‘fuck TenZ, TenZ is shit.’ I have one bad game on Killjoy, ‘ah this is dogshit.'�� Goldenboy interrupted the answer in a desperate attempt to get ardiis, known for his spicy post-game interviews, to stop swearing. But the former Masters winner with FPX continued to drive his point home, albeit without any cursing. “The fans, they’ve got a recency bias, so as soon as you have one good game you’re the best player in the world, you have one bad game you’re suddenly the worst player in the world,” ardiis said. TenZ’s level of play has certainly been a topic of conversation across the internet among VALORANT fans, one that’s become more prevalent following the early success Sentinels have seen from Marved’s return. Head to sites like Reddit or the forums on VLR and you’ll see tons of posts and comments bashing TenZ. But there’s a case to be made that no player in competitive VALORANT today has had more obstacles to face than TenZ. He’s played through both COVID and a finger injury, he’s providing support as a partner to his fiancé Kyedae as she faces extremely serious health issues, navigated a coaching change, and of course is trying to meet the sky-high expectations he’s set for himself. And if you take away the COVID match against Leviatán, the only bad game he’s had recently was coincidentally against NRG. While there’s certainly some truth to ardiis’ statements about VALORANT fans with recency bias, the British/Latvian star did spend some time in the interview acknowledging that NRG are playing below expectations, most notably the ones they’ve set for themselves. “We haven’t shown our best, or even 50 percent of our best in this league,” he said. “We’re 2-3 and we’ve played the worst VALORANT we’ve ever played.” Past the halfway point of the season, both NRG and Sentinels are right next to each other in the standings at 2-3, but NRG currently own the sixth-place spot with a 6-6 map record compared to Sentinels’ 6-7. Read the full article

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alexbkrieger13 · 1 year ago

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Tbh I don't see the point of the nations league (both in football and volley). For example in volleyball the nations league is pretty controversial for years and several players either spoke up about it or temporarily stepped away from their national teams (either because of mental health issues and/or injury). They became even more vocal after the volley fed increased the amount of games even more and made it more "important" for the Olympic qualification.

At this point I'm willing to give it the benefit of the doubt in terms of football in the women's game because we haven't seen it happen yet. Don't particularly want to go back to qualifications where you had 10+-0 score Lines and game where you felt like it was a bit of a waste of time.

And particularly in Sweden's case rn the change Olympic qualification actually did help because we wouldn't have qualified if it was the old system.

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hotdoghottakes · 3 years ago

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Autism Parallels

As someone who got diagnosed with Asperger’s as a teen, I’ll mainly be speaking from my own experience for the direction Raquel/Rocket’s arc is taking as per the personal development each character has undergone throughout the arcs in the fourth season.

While Rocket’s arc has the main issue of establishing peaceful contacts with New Genesis, the Green Lantern Corp, and the Justice League, the underlying issue is Rocket and her attitude towards/about her son’s autism.

Early in the episode, it is established that Raquel encounters...’annoyances’ in regard to her son’s, Amistad’s, needs. These needs manifest as specific order (in his toys), ritual (he must always wear a wool hat when visiting his father), and routine (the stop is always 16th street). Now, I believe that Raquel is trying her best to attend to these needs, the scene made that clear, but I also see that she isn’t addressing the, let’s call it, ‘elephant in the room’. Rocket sees Amistad as intelligent and possibly even eccentric. She seems to see these actions as quirks of character rather than what it is: autistic traits. Additionally, while Amistad’s father is willing and wanting to address the special needs in order to best benefit Amistad, Raquel doesn’t seem willing (or ready?) to talk about it.

Before I get into the parallels, I’d also like to point out that a common characteristic of autism and autism spectrum disorder is sensory-sensitivity and a sort of social bluntness that, at best, can be seen as brutal honesty. This is best seen when Amistad points out the (to him) nauseating smell of the elderly woman’s perfume with almost no social filters or visible awareness that what he had said was considered to be socially rude.

These are the traits we have observed in a child, later in the episode we see these traits, and some coping mechanisms, reflected in an adult: Orion.

I’m not deep into comic lore, so whether Orion is on the spectrum in canon, or if this is a new take on the character, or if these are just traits that mimic autism, I’m not sure. So, I’ll list what characteristics we’ve observed in Orion thus far.

Bluntness in speech throughout the episode, a special interest in unknown technology during a time that is impractical and inappropriate (in route to an important meeting), vocal outbursts and what could be considered a ‘tantrum’ towards an attack/’offending sensory object’ [electric jolt, offensive buzzing sounds, etc.], and the mother box providing a sound effect (to our ears anyway) to calm him down [a comfort object].

Orion and Amistad parallel one another in the respect that both have traits characteristic of the autism spectrum, whether seen as in a child or in an adult. The interesting thing of note here is what Raquel says at the end of each scene featuring one of the two. At the end of her scene with Amistad, after his earlier vocal outbursts and blunt honesty, she is unwilling to address that her son is anything more than eccentric and strange, not autistic. In the last scene with Orion after his vocal and physical outbursts after a series of offensive sensory stimuli, she calls him a monster. I believe that Raquel is trying her best to accommodate her son, but she isn’t trying to understand him. Similarly, she tried to accommodate Orion, but she doesn’t understand how or why he is the way he is.

#young justice #yj #young justice phantoms #yj phantoms #young justice spoilers #yj spoilers #young justice season 4 #rocket yj #young justice rocket #raquel ervin #young justice raquel #amistad ervin #orion #young justice orion #yj orion #autism #autism spectrum disorder #aperger syndrome

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transhawks · 3 years ago

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So I try avoiding Twitter comments because the fandom their is 😬 when it comes to takes. However, I’m just peeping to see the reaction of the ep, and some people like “missing Spinner’s speech is fine because people don’t care about him anyway.” “No one even cares about Spinner, why are they making a bug deal?”

I swear, I want to bang my head into a wall. Just because he isn’t popular doesn’t mean he’s liked? And they took a lot out of manga already, ridding of their interaction in the little abandoned house. I used to live the anime since I watched it first before manga, but it’s getting frustrating along with the a majority of the fans :/

Honestly, I feel like making a 'defense of the importance of spinner' meta now, but I'm also in a zine devoted to him and making meta so that's just going to be what I make for them, I guess, because it's so frustrating that people don't get that the League are genuinely important characters? Compared to other side villains, the League are there to provide parallels and deepen the narrative of why someone becomes a villain. I'll give you the cliff notes.

Without Spinner's comments, small moments like Shouto calling the cop a dog, the way Shinsou called Ojiro a monkey, the big fox lady being forced out seen as a villain, or the fact that Nagant was taking out groups that seemed to made out of mutants don't have context. Spinner, therefore, is an exposition fairy for concepts like mutant discrimination. An exposition fairy tells us something about the story.

Actually, a lot of the 'side' League tends to play this role at times. Twice did in the first chapter we got a spotlight on him, describing what society had turned into Kamino (also explained why Endeavor wasn't trusted as much). Spinner, by being relatively 'normal' compared to everyone, was the best person to really explain to us how the League was changing - because he had no set purpose or ideology at that point. It's not like Toga, wishing to live and love freely, or Twice, at that point incredibly tied to the League due to his need for acceptance and guilt over Magne. Compress and Dabi have their own agendas. Spinner was /lost/, and thus the best person in MVA to explain things.

And, again, this is short-sighted. One can 'ignore' Compress, but his sacrifice allowed the League to get away. Spinner's devotion towards Tomura might have set the course for AFO to take over fully, but we're not sure what he might do next. He's been consistently the one trying to keep the League together since the beginning of the Raid arc. We have lots of panels foreshadowing his discomfort with AFO and his strong feelings of friendship with Tomura.

Do lay readers genuinely not realize this might go anywhere? When we are missing whole chunks of context - HECK THE CRC MANSION EVEN RETURNED 80 CHAPTERS LATER - how does stuff later down in the timeline make sense? Do they just assume Spinner won't play any role in the future that knowing his backstory and thoughts won't help?

I know it's not just Spinner. There was important things for each character, interactions that were meaningful. But selling Spinner short is indicative of an issue of not understanding they're reading a work in progress, and that there's moving parts. I'm not saying Horikoshi is a genius writer, and I've been vocal about shoddier writing on his part, but the idea he made Spinner to throw him away when we have gotten so much content is bizarre. Spinner has more development than a large majority of the children in this manga, and it's just so strange to see this sort of shallowness. Is it because he's less conventionally attractive? I didn't even like Spinner until MVA, and that's the really sad thing here - one of the things that changed my mind on him (and likely could change other people as well) is now just...gone.

#asks #shuichi iguchi #bnha spinner #characters are tools meant to serve purposes and it's weird people don't get that Spinner's inner thoughts had those

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onlyherefortheshowmances · 3 years ago

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So I saw someone else get an anon message that said: “I hate to admit this, but I really can't shake the feeling that Benji loves Victor more than Victor loves Benji at this point.” I wanted to respond as well, because I think this is something people are probably seeing a lot and I really want to explain how I’m looking at it (from personal experience and just from looking at and examining the characters).

CW/TW: Mental Health, suicidal ideation/action mention, Addiction, Emotional Trauma, sex mention, Predatory relationship mention, catholicism, homophobia, misunderstandings, lack of communication, spoilers for love victor seasons 1 & 2 [let me know if I missed anything please]

I want to be frank in saying that Benji is my favorite character and I project onto him a lot (along with seeing a lot of myself in him). I’m also white AF, so I’m sure some of you think that’s relevant, but I really don’t think it is in this particular case. I do also however identify with Victor in a number of ways and I am trying to see the characters both as complex individuals with deep personal histories. Both have suffered traumas and both are clearly dealing with a lot of their own shit on top of being sixteen/seventeen and dealing with junior year of high school and all the pressures and expectations that brings for everyone.

I think what people are interpreting at loving someone more/less is actually about prioritizing someone/a relationship more/less. In my mind, from what I see on screen and interpret, they both love each other beyond words. They are both very much in love with one another. It comes down to how they display that to each other and to the public as well as where on their list of priorities this relationship falls.

Let’s start with Victor, struggles and life:

He is dealing with internalized homophobia and associated thought-patterns stemming from his upbringing in the Catholic church as well from the vocalized homophobic remarks from his mother (toward himself and Benji as well as likely at other points in his life toward strangers), his father (stating that he hopes Adrian doesn’t turn out ‘like that’; the scene in S1 where they’re at the church in Texas and he calls the hairdresser ‘flojito’; etc.), and his grandparents (on his birthday and likely at other points in his life). As a result of this, Victor tried to make himself straight (or at least interested in a girl) by dating Mia because he did like her as a person and everyone was telling him that’s what he was supposed to do. He ended up hurting her and almost losing her friendship (temporarily, he did, but she does seem to have forgiven him now).

He is dealing with outside homophobia as well. That kid on the very first day he was Creekwood responding to Benji helping him up. Felix’s comment that same day of ‘you don’t want to give people the wrong idea.’ The basketball team/gym class guys roasting him about not hooking up with Mia on the ferris wheel. Felix saying he’d be crazy to not like Mia. Lake asking ‘are you gay or something’ when he brought Felix along to Mia’s house, etc., etc. Some of these things may seem innocent enough, but they weren’t. Not to Victor who was already struggling to accept even the possibility that he might be gay. Once he managed to come out to his parents, obviously his father got better fairly quickly, but Isabel continued to struggle for six months which put even more pressure on Victor to try to lead this double life. Once he came out at school, the whole fiasco with the basketball team also occurred and that was a lot for him, because Basketball as always his safe-space. It’s where he went to get away from all the other pressure. It was something he didn’t have to think about and now suddenly, he did. Those pressure are also affecting his ability to think about what he may want and it seems affecting his ability to think (at all sometimes) about how any of that is also affecting Benji. It’s affecting him so much that he’s basically blind to how it’s also affecting Benji to see him suffer. He doesn’t even consider that possibility until Felix brings up how hard it is for him the night Felix breaks up with Lake and Venji get caught having sex.

Victor also has struggles away from just his coming out and accepting himself journey. He has the struggles associated with his parents separation. Until fairly recently, Victor always thought his parents had a perfect relationship. He saw that as the ideal. Get together in High School, get married right away, stay together for ever, happily ever after. That’s what he was raised to expect. And now he’s seeing their relationship fall apart before his eyes. Hell, his devoutly Catholic mother had an affair, and he’s wondering if it’s really possible for your first love to be your only love especially after he and Benji start butting heads, so he’s already vulnerable to that viewpoint when Rahim brings up the possibility. He gets so lost in what’s happening to his parents and what Rahim is saying about it not usually working out that he forgets how in love he is and he sort of loses his will to fight for what he wants, because maybe it’s just doomed to fail anyway (until he sees Benji at the wedding and it sort of hits again - and then Felix’s speech thereafter, obviously). He kind of loses his way by getting caught up in the statistic improbability of your first love being the one and watching his parents’ marriage potentially fall apart and he wonders for a moment if it might be easier, if it might be better to just walk away and go toward Rahim who he seem to get along with and seems to understand the things Benji doesn’t about him, but what he fails to examine in that moment is that he’s only barely scratched the surface with Rahim and that Rahim doesn’t know him like Benji does and that every relationship has it’s ups and downs and what it always comes down to is how willing both parties are to work to make things right. How much you’re willing to step into the other person’s shoes and try to understand. In my opinion, even if he were to walk away from Benji and go to Rahim, that bubble of understanding isn’t going to last forever either. He’s failing to remember that when he got together with Benji (and for most of the summer it seems) that’s exactly what it was like and failing to remember that they have grown beyond that into a deep soul-altering love for one another that deserves his time, energy, and effort and NEEDS those things to keep it going.

Now let’s talk about Victor’s priorities in life:

Victor has always been close with his family, especially his mother. The strain on that relationship is very taxing on his mental well-being. He has a hard time ‘standing up to’ her or talking back to her, etc. because he loves her and he just wants their easy, close relationship back. He already overcame his own anger at her affair to get her back, but now she’s the one pulling away because of his sexuality and it’s hurting him because if he was able to forgive her for something that was actually wrong, why can’t she forgive him for something that he has no control over. So he loves his mother and his family and he hates disappointing them. He has spent most of his life fixing his family’s issues (as he explains to Simon in S1), but now he is the issue and he doesn’t know how to handle it. When in 2x1 he decides to just bring Benji over and try exposure therapy with his mom, it backfires in a big way. Even though they barely touch each other. Even though Benji just says the word boyfriend once, it’s too much for Isabel and Victor desperately wants to please. He desperately wants to not lose his mother (who has always been the person he is closest to), so that causes him to take a step back from going against her and the steps he still takes (telling her he wants her to call Benji his boyfriend not just his friend, the whole conversation outside the church, the conversation with Adrian, etc.) are things that Benji doesn’t get to see happening and it frustrated Victor that Benji won’t even listen to him when he tries to say that his mom is making progress at all, because she is so important to him and yet it seems like Benji just doesn’t even recognize or care about that. This leads him to say the thing he does at Brasstown before Benji runs out, because he assumes that it has to do with Benji being white and of course, that is part of it, but I think Victor in that moment is so overwhelmed by the rejection of his mother and now the refusal of his boyfriend to even try to understand that he snaps. He forgets all the struggles Benji has told him from his own past and he just lashes out which causes Benji to leave [more on Benji’s viewpoint of this whole thing later].

Victor also loves basketball. It’s true that in some case LGBTQIA+ individual participate in certain activities to make them seem more ‘normal’. Gay men participating in sports to seem more macho is a common one, so Benji thinking that’s why Victor plays basketball makes sense to an extend, but he never bothers to ask Victor about, only makes assumptions, and Victor feels like the fact that he actually likes sports makes him ‘not gay enough’ (see conversation with Andrew). What he’s forgetting entirely is his encounter with Bram and the gay basketball league in NYC from episode 1x8. There are many ways to be gay, and sports gays do exist and are perfectly valid. That’s not the type of gay Benji or his friends/bandmates are, but it is the type that Victor is and Benji failing to recognize that and failing to understand or even ask Victor about that drives one of many wrenches into their relationship. In episode 1x5 when Benji shows up to Victor’s first game back on the team and does the Go Grizzlies dance with the other basketball girlfriends, it definitely does a lot of help Victor realize this was just a miscommunication/misunderstanding rather than anything malicious. Basketball and his teammates continue to be a priority for him after this, but that seems to be something Benji is now capable of understanding.

Finally, Victor loves Benji. He wants to be with Benji; there is zero doubt about that. However, for Victor when he’s put on the spot (as in episode 2x8) and basically told he has to choose his mom (who has raised him and been his closest confidant and biggest supporter for his entire life) or his boyfriend (who he’s known for almost a year and been dating for six months and is helplessly in love with) it processes as an error message in his brain. He just wants everyone to get along. He’s not mad that Adrian knows that he’s gay (he’s wanted him to know for months), but he is upset that his mom is now even angrier. [see my section about Benji in this moment, for more about Isabel’s reactions as well] In his mind, telling Adrian could wait. In his mind, he was willing to go along with his mom’s requests for a while longer just to keep the peace so to speak. He didn’t want his whole life to fall apart and that’s what he thought was about to happen in that moment. That’s why he asked Benji to leave. He didn’t want to make his mom any angrier. Could he have chosen his words better? Yes. Could he have made Benji understand better? Yes. But he’s sixteen and his brain wasn’t functioning at full capacity because post-sex brain is definitely a thing and he was also looking at his mom who has already been horrible and barely able to look at him for six months, looking even angrier after he finally thought they’d made some progress after church the previous week.

So in conclusion, regarding Victor:

He loves his family (especially his mom). He loves Benji. He loves Basketball. Obviously, he’s not going to prioritize basketball over either of the human beings involved, but I think it’s important to at least note it’s importance in his life. As for Isabel vs. Benji. To Victor, these are the two most important people in his life. All he wants is to be able to love both of them and have both of them love him in return. When they are pit against each other, especially directly, it’s hard for him to make a choice. It’s hard for him to say ‘no’ to his mom and it’s hard for him to say ‘no’ to Benji, but in the moment (episode 2x8 specifically), he takes Isabel’s side, because he knows the ramifications of saying no to her and of making her even more angry that she already is are far worse than the ones for asking Benji to leave for the night. He failed to realize however, how close Benji already was to the edge and how upset he was going to be and how little he understood (or was willing to try to understand) about the situation. This is something he really needs to communicate with Benji (even though it’s not quite as important now that Isabel’s apparently come around). I think it’s important for Benji to understand that Victor values his relationship with his mother enough that it’s difficult for him to go against her without a lot of preparation and having a fully fledged reason, etc.

Now for Benji - Struggles and Life:

The obvious of course is that Benji is a sixteen/seventeen year old that’s barely a year sober and attending AA meetings regularly. Recovering from Alcoholism is difficult at any age let alone for a teenager. One of the most important factors in recovery is looking at the things that led you to drink in the first place. Looking at things that may be considered triggers and either learning to avoid those people/situations or learning healthy alternatives in those situations. I have multiple family members who are both actively drinking alcoholics as well as those in recovery. I also lost my best friend/ex-fiancé to alcoholism a few years ago, so to say I have some personal experience in this arena is putting it lightly. Benji admits to Victor in 1x7 that he used to drink a lot because he knew he was gay, but didn’t want to be. To me that whole story screamed, I’m an alcoholic and while a lot of others agreed with that opinion. I was not shocked that Victor didn’t understand that underlying truth. Those that don’t have intimate familiarity with alcoholism often do not recognize the signs (either as they happen when when they are not directly told). It is made clear in episodes 2x7 & 2x8 that Benji hates this part of himself, in fact he says as much to Victor when he arrives at his apartment late the night of his birthday. Benji has still not fully accepted that the alcoholic part of himself that attends AA meetings and drinks orange juice while his friends are drinking vodka is one and the same with the part of himself that loves Victor with all his heart. This is something I’d really like to see him reconcile and work on in season 3 and beyond. Understand that you can’t compartmentalize yourself. You are but one whole person and all facets of yourself are in fact part of the singular you. [Not accounting for those with dissociative identity disorder.] It’s not directly mentioned if he’s still struggling with urges to drink, but most if not all alcoholics do, especially when experiencing those aforementioned triggers. Seeing Benji meeting with his sponsor after the incident with Isabel/Victor is not shocking to me and if anything, that was the healthy and correct response on his part. The reason he was drinking in the first place was that he was gay and didn’t want to be (internalized and probably external homophobia) and he just experience some really intense homophobia at the hands of his boyfriend’s mom (and partially said boyfriend himself). Benji’s lack of understanding of where Isabel was coming from in episode 1x8 speaks volumes to just how traumatize Benji still is about his own experiences with homophobia. The only thing he can think about in that moment is that this woman hates me for being gay. She hates her son for being gay. Being gay isn’t okay, etc. What he doesn’t factor in is that Isabel is also devoutly Catholic. I honestly don’t think it’s the gay part of the sex that horrified her the most. The Catholic faith is also very clear on the practice of abstinence from sex (at all) prior to marriage. She would’ve responded the same way had she walked in on Victor having sex with a girl, in my opinion, but in the moment Benji’s own trauma is overriding his ability to understand that because all he can see is the homophobia. This is especially true after she calls him Victor’s friend rather than his boyfriend and that in my opinion, is why he snaps. Could he have phrased it better? Yes. Could he have said it without shouting? Yes. But he is a freshly seventeen-year-old whose brain is not functioning on all cylinders in that moment.

Sort of coupled with his alcoholism and recovery therefrom is the allusion his mother makes to ‘dark times’ following his accident. I do have suspicions that perhaps he was also struggling with mental illness, and likely continues to. Depression to the point of suicidal ideation or actions (possibly only in the form of drinking, but possibly in other forms as well). Anxiety is pretty obvious from his actions and reactions throughout the series as well. I also think he is dealing with some sort of trauma-based disorder stemming from the homophobia he experienced (especially the instance of his father taking him to strip-club). It may go as far as C-PTSD (which I myself am diagnosed with) or it maybe something less (or even more). I’m not in the habit of sticking mental health diagnoses of people (fictional or otherwise though). Dealing with these things on top of what in his eyes feels like rejection from not only Isabel, but in a way from Victor as well likely causes some very unpleasant thought patterns and the potential for thought spirals and the likely. I also see indications that he could suffer from co-dependency (whish I also have dealt with in the past), but I’m honestly not sure if that’s me projecting or if it’s actually there.

Then on top of all of that, his boyfriend who he loves more than anything in the world, tells his deepest darkest secret to someone he’s literally never met or spoken to and that said boyfriend has only known for maybe a week at best and thinks it’s no big deal. In that moment, I can 110% see why Benji requests to take a break and I feel that choice is 110% the right one to make. What is a relationship built on if not trust? Victor just destroyed most if not all of the trust Benji had in him. That doesn’t mean he stopped loving him, just that he doesn’t trust him. Love isn’t something you can turn off and on like a light switch especially not the kind these two share. I definitely think Victor has a lot of explaining to do and a lot of apologies to make. I do also think they both need to have a really long, really honest and open conversation. Benji needs to be willing to get a little vulnerable and explain why certain things are causing him so much distress, but he also needs to be willing to listen to Victor explain why he can’t simply go against his mother as Benji seems to think he should. They both really demonstrated a degree of selfishness this season along with an lack of communication and a lack of willingness to understand or even try to understand each other’s points of view and that is a recipe for disaster in any relationship.

There also exists the issue of Benji’s parents. His mother especially seems to overstep quite frequently and insert herself into his life where she was not invited or expected. I do wonder if this was always her personality or if this is something that started after Benji’s accident. I have a hunch it was likely the latter. I see indications that perhaps there was some neglect or just general indifference on his parents part as he was growing up. They clearly missed that he had started drinking heavily and that he stole his dad’s car that night. He was also evidently dating Derek for quite a while before the accident. (Derek is another section by himself though.) This not to mention the fact that his father took him to a strip club and paid for a lap dance when he was no more than sixteen if he was even that old, in an effort to turn him straight. Benji tells Victor in episode 1x7 that he and his dad used to be close and that they used to go to Dollywood on road trips and other such things, but that he’s been distant since he came out. We see from the scene where he walks in on Benji and Victor making out that he’s not vocally/outwardly homophobic, but I would not doubt that he still harbors some of those viewpoints in himself. It’s evident to me that Benji is not close to his parents (he may once have been, but at this point it’s pretty clear that he’s not anymore). Benji doesn’t have siblings to the best of our knowledge. It’s also mentioned that his nana (like a paternal grandmother) is deceased, so it’s really not clear how much contact he even has with his extended family or how much of one exists. For these reasons, in his mind, there is no circumstance where his family (especially not his parents) would take precedence of his own happiness or Victor’s. That is why it confuses/hurts/angers him that Victor doesn’t stand up to Isabel, because if the roles were reversed, he would have no problem at all telling his own mother (or father) off. He doesn’t seem to comprehend Victor’s need to keep his relationship with his mother intact. I’m very glad Isabel pointed out to him that Victor has stood up to her and risked their relationship for him, but the disconnect still lies in that Benji isn’t a fan of the fact that he didn't’ do that in his presence and that he didn’t do more.

Then there’s Derek. Derek is at least a sophomore in college in season 2 as he was clearly in college in season 1 as well. Meaning he is at least 19/20 when Benji is 16/17. They had been together for a year the previous spring (episode 1x6) which means they started dating when Benji was 15 and Derek was no younger than 18 (I think he is like at least a year older than the youngest possibility). Georgia’s age of consent is 16, and there are no ‘Romeo and Juliet’ laws in place in the state meaning it is categorically illegal for anyone 18 years of age or older to engage in sexual acts with anyone 15 years of age or younger unless they are legally wed, meaning until Benji’s 16th birthday, this relationship was illegal in general not to mention the predatory nature of someone in college dating a high school sophomore to begin with. They generally don’t prosecute if the people involved are within 4 years of each other though (which coincides with ‘Romeo and Juliet’ laws in other states) which they could’ve been within depending on Derek’s actual age and birthday. It doesn’t seem like charges were filed either way which is questionable on Benji’s parents part. Benji also tells Victor in 1x10 that Derek made him feel bad a lot of the time about the things he like and about being a romantic, we also see Derek crap all over Benji’s special anniversary date in 1x6. The toxicity of that relationship is sure to have left it’s mark on Benji and carried over into his new relationship with Victor. I also find it questionable that knowing that, Benji was shitting all over Victor’s love for basketball at one point (isn’t that exactly what he complained about Derek doing to him about his interests?), though as you see in my earlier comments, I do understand that perhaps Benji wasn't’ fully aware that Victor actually liked basketball and wasn’t just doing it to seem straight/make his dad happy/etc. I also think it’s quite confusing that Victor managed to come up with that date idea for Benji in 1x6 and then the best he could do for Benji’s birthday was champagne and sex? I’d be more than marginally hurt over that if I was Benji, to be completely fair. It is also worth it to note that Benji stayed with Derek for over a year despite all of their problems (which goes back to the possibility of co-dependency issues) and yet he was willing to break up with him just to chase after the possibility of Victor. They had already connected on so many levels even prior to that night that even the possibility of that relationship made Benji willing to leave someone he’d been with for more than a year (obviously Victor’s little speech in the hallway played a part in that).

Benji’s Priorities:

In Benji’s world, he has a few things that could be considered priorities.

Maintaining his sobriety is obviously one, but he keeps that separate from everything else. I don’t see it being held above or below anyone or anything. It’s just a completely separate thing to him (which again I feel he needs to reconcile). He was able to do that while also appeasing his friends and Victor (see episode 2x4 where he switches out his cups).

His music/band is obviously a priority, but again that’s something basic that everyone knows about and accepts. He doesn’t have choose between that and anything or anyone else that we’re shown.

Victor is his primary priority however. To him, that is the most important relationship/person in his life. He doesn’t know what he’d do without him. He says he loves that part of his life which I take to mean, he loves who he is when they’re together and not so much when they’re apart. To him, there is no question of who he would choose if there was a choice in front of him between Victor and literally anyone else (including his parents). That is why it confuses/hurts/angers him when the choice isn’t so simple for Victor when he actually has to make one between Benji and Isabel. Benji isn’t close with his parents and he doesn’t seem to understand what it is like for someone that is. Even if his parents didn’t come around right away. Even if they still may not be fully on board with everything, it didn't’ matter that much to him, because he could stand up to them because he didn’t care about destroying a relationship, because there already wasn’t much of one to begin with. This leads to him not understanding that Victor is seriously conflicted in the moments where he is made to choose between his boyfriend and his mother, because to Benji that choice is crystal clear. Again, they could really do with an honest conversation about this where Benji actually listens and tries to understand where Victor’s coming from, because right now, I think he just doesn’t quite get it. It’s clear that Isabel’s speech at Brasstown helped him to understand or at least start to, and obviously now that Isabel isn’t so much of an obstacle everything becomes a little easier, but it is still something that I really feel they need to discuss and understand about each other.

In conclusion:

Both of these boys need therapy (individual, family, and couples), and they would really benefit from a lot more open and honest communication where they both are able to speak honestly about their needs and desires as well as both being able to listen to and understand (or try to at least) one another.

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dazzlinglando · 3 years ago

Text

aria’s relationships with ateez:

masterlist

↳ hongjoong

as leader, hongjoong is protective over all of his members. especially to aria, though. he will literally not hesitate to hurt anyone who makes her sad, uncomfortable or as if she is undeserving of her place in ateez.

always tries to include her in the creative process of the songs, whether that be letting her in his studio whilst he works on songs, getting her to sing/rap demos or utilising her talents with musical instruments. he also ensures that she always feels involved in group decisions and knows that her voice and opinion is important, despite being the only girl.

when hongjoong knew that aria was joining the group and didn’t know much of the korean language, he took it upon himself to learn more english so she could feel as welcome and at home as possible from day 1.

↳ seonghwa

seonghwa would risk it all for his precious aria. literally. ever since she walked into the kq practice room, he was drawn to her. all he wanted was for her to feel comfortable, and despite the language barrier, he was the first to introduce himself.

certified cuddle buddies™. if those two go missing during schedules or practice, chances are they’re somewhere cuddling.

when their schedules allow, they have special ‘arihwa’ time, in which they spend a few hours together to watch movies, paint each other’s nails, braid hair and relax together. during this time, seonghwa also insists on helping aria with her korean studies, as he knows that it’s a chance for him to learn more english too.

seonghwa in particular always looks out for her during practice sessions or long schedules to make sure that she’s eating, drinking and not overworking herself.

↳ yunho

their relationship started off rocky at first. when she first joined kq, she was very intimidated by yunho. In fact, it took her about 3 weeks to warm up to him and start initiating conversations.

honestly, when aria started talking to yunho, he was the happiest person alive.

fast forward a few months and yunho is aria’s happiness. literal happiness. he’s always going out of his way to make her smile or laugh, by doing random dances or showing his aegyo. looking back at it, aria has no idea why she was so intimidated by him. he is literally the light of her life.

↳ yeosang

despite his ‘savage’ aura, yeosang is a right softie when it comes to aria, or ‘ariana grande’ as he calls her. they’re one of the closest pairs in the group, they literally do anything and everything together (within reason,, of course). spontaneous trips to starbucks? arisang will be there.

partners in crime. always be concerned if these two are together and suspiciously quiet, they’ve probably pulled a prank on one of the memebers.

if aria is ever feeling particulary homesick, he will try his best to bring the uk to their dorm in south korea. in fact once, when aria was feeling this way, he brought her the first british related thing he could find. a guitar strap with the british flag, but also with one direction on. it’s the thought that counts, and that guitar strap is her prized possession, despite not really liking one direction.

↳ san

if you ever need him, he’ll be watching aria’s fancams. he is in awe with how talented she is. and he is not afraid to show that he is, in fact, the #1 fairy (aria’s individual fandom name).

they have both struggled with self esteem issues, and will always look for opportunities to compliment each other, even if its over little things.

when they spend a long period of time speaking english together, san WILL develop a british accent for a bit. he’s always asking her for cool english phrases to tell atiny, or how to word things when writing posts for the international fans.

↳ mingi

the fairy line. these two are so soft around each other. they’re most probably cuddling, watching premier league football or playing fifa together.

when aria first joined the company, the language barrier put him off getting to know her; he didn’t know any english, just as she didn’t know barely any korean. nonetheless, they eventually got closer by using translation apps to talk to each other, before feeling confident to talk to one another in their native language.

always have the most memorable, or rather chaotic, vlives, where they dance or play games together.

↳ wooyoung

soulmates. absolute soulmates. as they were born so close together, they always make jokes about how they were destined to be best friends. and oh my, this duo is loud.

aria finds everything wooyoung does hilarious, literally everything. his sexy aura is something she was immediately drawn to, his confidence and perseverance really inspired and motivated her to be the best idol she could be. she really took a lot of strength through Wooyoung.

they also are known for their chaotic vlives and content. they cook and bake together, it’s their thing to teach and make one another tradititional korean and british treats and snacks, and 99% of the time it doesn’t go to plan. similar to yeosang, wooyoung always tries to bring the uk to their dorm when she’s feeling home sick by watching the great british bake off and other british cooking shows with her.

↳ jongho

such an underrated duo. aria loved having someone younger than her in the group. she was so used to being the baby of her family, as soon as there was someone younger than her, her maternal side really shows.

jongho may not like skinship, but boy does he initiate hugs with aria a lot. she is a big source of comfort for the maknae.

when at the company, in between practises, they’re most likely sat in her studio with a guitar singing random songs, and hitting high notes that mariah carey would be proud of. aria’s talent and vocal ability is something that always amazes Jongho. nothing but pure respect and admiration for his noona.

#ateez 9th member #ateez ninth member #9th member of ateez #ateez addition #ateez imagines #ateez au #ateez extra member #ateez female member #ateez female addition #kpop imagines #kpop oc #kpop addition #kpop female addition #kpop female oc #ateez #atzaria

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