#and the only ways i know how to cope with really bad episodes without hurting others

[flowers-that-sing]

didnt think id cry over a fanfiction in which eddie munson has BPD, and steve knows this, and literally outright says that he knows eddie could split over him and say or do or feel very hurtful things, but it doesn’t matter to him and he loves him anyway. fucking God damn

because as much as people have claimed to “not care” that i have BPD, they also make it clear that any symptoms are too much and they can’t handle it. and like, i get that. i do. i know. most people just can’t handle someone like me. i’m probably doomed to be mostly-alone and only have surface-level friendships, barring stitch, for the rest of my life if i don’t get better at hiding it. i’m so fucking lucky to even have stitch. like, even my own parents can’t handle me. i am so grateful for my best friend.

the idea that someone could know exactly what BPD entails, could know what splitting is, could know what it could mean, and instead of running for the hills because im toxic they would actually stay, and love me anyway, the knowledge that it’s possible, that i’m not abusive and evil in the eyes of every person ever on this earth and someone on this planet is capable of loving me anyway even if i never meet them, it’s. oh my God. so many fucking feelings. i wasnt expecting that.

[shinxeysartgallery]

J is kind of an asshole and I think we all realize that especially after what she did in Episode 8. Still think she's being hated on a bit too hard though.

She knowingly sided with Cyn, despite knowing what she was responsible for, and that's obviously not a good thing. However, do keep in mind that all of the affected Elliot Manor drones are just traumatized children at the end of the day. Cyn put all of them through immeasurable horrors. Even without Cyn's influence, the drones were treated horribly by the humans (other than Tessa). And based off the scratched-off armbands that we saw N, V, and J have that also match Cyn's armband, there's strong implications that all three of them are also "zombie drones" much like Cyn is herself. We don't know what they were subjected to before being tossed into the dump and later being found by Tessa.

As J and V are fighting, J makes an interesting comment that sheds some light on her motivations. "...It tricked me, too." Obviously, that was never elaborated on, but it strongly implies that she had made some sort of a deal with Cyn for an unknown reason. We got confirmation that V also had made a deal with Cyn, which was basically that she'd do whatever Cyn wanted as long as she wouldn't hurt N (and then would leave them both alone). Don't know if N also made a deal, but he's likely there as a part of V's deal.

So it makes me wonder, what exactly did Cyn promise J? Did she tell her that she could bring back Tessa? Promise to not let her die again? Something else entirely? Based on her comment to V, SOMETHING was definitely promised that ended up being a lie. Everyone reacts to trauma differently. Saw a post a while back (will hyperlink it later if I can find it again) by another user doing a very good breakdown of how they perceived the drones' personalities changed as a result of their trauma. N became a doormat because he kept getting hurt or hurting others every time he stood up for himself or someone else. (They also add that V's coldness towards him contributed to it and made him lose a lot of self-confidence.) V became rather cold because she was basically forced to turn off her emotions to cope with what she was doing. And she was purposefully mean to N to chase him away as an attempt to protect him from Cyn. J became a corporate bootlicker because she was terrified of being discarded again, so now she feels like she has to prove that she's useful.

And I think those theories all definitely hold some water here and help to explain why J still chose to side with Cyn, even after realizing that whatever their deal was was a lie. It's likely that she realized that if she decided to side against Cyn, Cyn would've just killed her straight-up. And that's really not out of the question, considering what she did to N and V once she realized that those two had asked too many questions and realized that she was the bad guy they wanted nothing to do with. If J had also gone against her, she'd just be replaced with either a clone that had its memories wiped (as evident by Cyn's comment to N in Episode 7: "your clones will forgive me") or a personality shift, or just flat-out a completely different drone altogether. There's also her comment towards V during their fight. "I promise it's better on the winning team.", which implies that J had full belief that Uzi wouldn't have been able to stop Cyn and Cyn was going to get her way no matter what. That paired up with the personality shift might imply that she felt trapped. Cyn preyed on her vulnerability and fears of being discarded and weaponized them against her. She believed that Cyn was going to win no matter what, and if she went against Cyn, she was going to be discarded again. Despite knowing she was tricked, she probably stays loyal to Cyn because she's terrified of that outcome. She doesn't want to die, she doesn't want to be thrown away again. But the only person she feels she can get that security from is the same one that basically caused all of her problems. That same person is practically the equivalent of a god in the universe and seemingly NOTHING can stop it. What choice does she have in that perspective?

I still feel like she's an incredibly tragic character. Horribly mistreated by humans, forced to watch (or participate in) her best friend's death at the hands of the one she despises the most, sees the same bestie be horribly mutilated and disfigured, be forced to commit horrible atrocities herself, and be manipulated and lied to. She deserves a redemption arc.

You're obviously allowed to still hate/dislike her, but that's just my thoughts on it!

[lynn-tged-posting]

tged webtoon ep 163 spoilers and thoughts that are making me procrastinate on like all of my work but its totally fine below the cut

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i am so serious i was completely tricked into thinking this would just be a light episode with some ominous foreshadowing but still some answers for how to defeat fate. i thought we'd be in silly haha territory now and that soon we'd reach the end and everything would be wonderful now and they can finally have what they want. I WAS PROVEN WRONG

YOU. YOU TRICKED ME FROM THE GETGO BY SETTING THE MOOD OF THE EP TO BE SILLY OFF THE BAT. YOUR STUPID CUTE HAIR BEING MESSY WHEN U WAKE UP AND THOSE SILLY ASS D*SNEY ANIMALS. YOU YOU YOU YOU RAPHAEL YOU FOOLED ME

it's super cute and funny that his singing and his general demeanor is so fairytale esque that animals and people just love him even though he tried to destroy what they were working on . he looks adorable with messy hair. i wanna see it more. cute and blond. but also. FUCK YOU

like we went from that to this and i was like "oh my god they're gonna have a bonding moment" and i was so so happy i just,, i really thought,,,,

like he looks so pretty here!! and then javier says something so sweet and so javier-brand of affectionate and they're being funny about it and it's so cute and they're all smiley afterward in the reflections of the water so its like "awww stupid fucking idiots being happy at each other without even really knowing it i love them so much" AND THEN.

STUPID FUCKING OMINOUS REFLECTION GOT ME ALL WORRIED. BUT THEN I THOUGHT OF RAPHIE AT THE START AND WENT "nahhh thats just. yknow. the normal foreshadowing at something bigger. they haven't even gotten answers yet. it's fine" oh lynn. oh girl you had no idea.

like they're so close to the truth cmon they wouldnt dump what they need to do to stop fate AND whats going on w javier at the same time right? ha. ha. ha.

ominous panels aside POOR LLOYD,,, OF ALL THE SECRETS HE COULD HAVE CHOSEN,,, he had no idea its not fair </3 we got blushy lloyd as a result i love this panel btw he's very very cute. super duper bug of him. i really like that the artist has been drawing the two of them at this angle a lot recently they look so stupid i like it a lot

ALSO JAVIER DO YOU. HAVE SOMETHING YOU WANT TO SAY. WHY DID HE ASK THAT I. JAVIER U CANT JUST ASK PEOPLE HOW DEE- WHAT THE FUCK

and then we got hit w javier being worried and i was like "man me too buddy, im worried too but im sure itll be oka-"

DEATH FLAG. WHY. WHY DID YOU HAVE TO THINK THAT LLOYD OH GOD. i read this and my worry that was briefly washed away IMMEDIATELY came back . tged is very good at giving me tonal whiplash. i dont think thats a bad thing but also its not good for my health either so. /lh

AND THEN WE GOT HIT WITH THE JEWEL OF TRUTH SECTION AND. AAAAHHH AAAAAAAAHHH the darkness that lloyd is in, he's all alone when he hears this god i . oh god i have so much to say okay

it's kind of hard to go shot by shot with this section because all my thoughts are overlapping with each other but ill try my best???

he's immediately pushed into communication between just him and the jewel and shrouded in a very very isolating darkness. there's so so so much empty space and all my yapping about how much lloyd has been isolating himself for the sake of finally protecting his loved ones kind of comes to a head here. and then we hear the truth...

lloyd is a BUG. the fact that he EXISTS is a problem that has been the catalyst of all the pain and work that he and javier have had to go through, so so early in the story. he's essentially being told that its HIS fault fate is threatening their lives. AND WOW THAT HURTS. how do you cope with being told that?? how do you manage that???

and on TOP of it all, in order to fix it, he has to choose. rid the world of this bug, or let the bug take over. THAT'S SO EVIL

the only way to protect his loved ones is to forfeit his protection over them, giving up his life. and yet the only way for him to continue being there to protect them is to lose the life of the one he absolutely loves most, javier. WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE FUCK WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT

the moment he hears this he falls to his knees. im so fucking ill IM SICK . THIS IS SICK AND TWISTED!!!!!!!!!!!

some more thoughts on the language and just. inherent despair of this section:

i think the choice of calling lloyd a bug is so so so heartwrenching. i don't know if it's an intentional thing by the writer/adapter or if it's just something they defaulted to since the world is considered a system, but either way it makes me so damn emotional

i'm a computer engineer, so i take some computer science classes too as part of my major, and one of those fun facts that you learn in those classes is that debugging/bugs became common terminology in compsci for a very silly reason. "bugs" as a word to describe error and defects had been present before, but it became conflated with programming due to a team of programmers actually finding a moth, a true to life Bug, interfering with their computer and thus messing with their program.

see, the JoT could have called lloyd anything. an error, a mistake, a problem, hell even a glitch would have worked. but they specifically said bug (and again whether or not thats intentional is up for debate but i will treat it like it is)

and the thing about bugs, the thing that haunts me now, is that without them the rest of the program (theoretically) works fine. if that moth hadnt entered the computer of those programmers, then their code would have been operating smoothly. the system would be chugging along well.

the knight of blood and iron would be functioning just fine.

yeah it'd be sad, yeah javier would have lost everyone, but it would have gone exactly as the program was written. the memory allocated for the class lloyd_frontera would be freed, and the story wouldn't have had to call on it, ever. but lloyd, the bug, the moth, stuck around. errors ensue.

and often, bugs are HUMAN error. it's a problem in a human design, not a natural glitch or mistake. the moth wouldn't have been able to enter that computer if it was built differently. bugs do not appear naturally. and they do not go away until you go back to where the bug appears and FIX IT. lloyd cannot fix the story, he can NEVER achieve the happy ending he's always wanted, because the program will always be bugged because of HIM.

suddenly too, all the little changes that have happened in the story thus far make so much sense. all of those events happening EARLIER than they should have completely tracks.

the choices lloyd made - to defeat neumann, defeat lacona, go to cremo, go to the capital - pushed javier's presence ahead, and i know that's like really really obvious, but coupled with this bug analogy i feel insane because

something that's very common in programming in general are function calls, where on the side you have the function written out all complete, and in your main code you can just say the name of the function. when it compiles, itll know what to refer to when it sees the name in your main code.

something else thats very common is conditionals! y'know, your classic "if (comparison here) then do (this thing here) else (do this thing here)", you might have seen this before (or not, im not sure how well versed tged tumblr is on programming which is why im explaining this)

and u think back to javier being there EARLY and oh. ooohh....

if (javier.location == magentano.event_location(banquet)) {

kyle_betrayal(alicia);

}

this function, this betrayal, was called early. THIS WAS CALLED EARLY because a certain character object, lloyd frontera, changed the state of javier's location way sooner than it should have happened. a bug. a bug. a bug. a bug made the code jump to this conditional. he's been a bug this whole time

and you think to when the glitches on javier first started appearing and oh. oooohhh. the object referred to as javier, disabled the "protagonist" variable on him and passed it onto lloyd. but that won't do, because all these functions for the ENTIRE STORY rely on javier's class object. how can it call on lloyd instead? lloyd should have been freed, aka the memory storing his little array of data, should have been REMOVED. CAUSE HE WAS SUPPOSED TO DIE

theres more examples of this throughout the whole story that maybe ill list another day (as much as im yapping about it, its really not that hard/deep on figuring out where things were called early lol) but yeah yeah yeah. yeah this is so so evil and i cant believe i didnt put two and two together earlier. this analogy is SO EVIL WHY WOULD THEY DO THIS TO ME

apologies for the jargon btw. i have no idea if i explained this right or if anyone else really knows what im talking about but i've been losing it over this for the entire weekend ALKDFJLSDKF

WHATS WORSE IS THAT IVE BEEN CALLING LLOYD A BUG FOR LIKE. ACTUAL MONTHS. I WOULD REFER TO HIM AS A CREATURE AND AS A LITTLE ITTY BITTY BUG AND NOW I FEEL SO SO TERRIBLE BECAUSE HE REALLY WAS A BUG. I MADE A SHITPOST AND EVERYTHING (that ill prolly post later) THAT I HAD NO IDEA WOULD. AGE POORLY SOB SOB SOB

I AM SO SO SORRY LLOYD. I DIDN'T KNOW I DIDN'T KNOW I DIDN'T KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sniffle,,, sob,,, anyway,,, thats enough yapping about bugs and programming and lloyd being a bug,,, back to the anguish

the following section is just. god ow ow OW. the shaking linework, the shadows setting in at the top with the dramatic bottom lighting, and the blur on javier as he loses focus and starts truly, truly panicking makes me INSANE. artist you're making me CRAZY!!!

javier truly has no idea either but god dammit he's trying his best to help, but how can lloyd explain this to the man whos completely and utterly loyal to him to the point of sincere devotion? if lloyd tells him, whos to say that javier - the martyr that he is - won't just give up his life for him? god that's so... GOD. GOD GOD GOD WHY AGHHH

AND AGGHHH AGGGHHHH THE FLASHBACKS TO THE P PANELS OF SUHO WORKING SO SO HARD TO REACH THE LIGHT. GOD FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK

ITS DIMMER ITS HARDER TO REACH AND OH MY GOD THE PANEL OF LLOYD REACHING UP EVEN IN HIS PANIC TOWARDS HOPE. THE THOUGHT THAT "ITLL GET BETTER ONE DAY" COMFORTED HIM AND KEPT HIM ALIVE BUT NOW ITS BEING RIPPED FROM HIM I FEEL ILL. EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL

this panel of that light going out . not much words on this i just feel sick to my stomach. why would u do that.

and finally at the end of the chapter we have this incredibly HAUNTING panel of lloyd panicking. the despair here is UNREAL. the lineart is shaken and messy and scribbly, and the focus on his face and his hand gives the panel a very claustrophobic and hard-to-breathe feel and it makes mE SICK!!! IT MAKES ME SICK!!! SICK AND TWISTED!!!! JEWEL OF TRUTH I HATE YOU!!!!!!!

anyway that's all my thoughts for right now . i really really hope they figure out a loophole or something . if they dont im actually gonna keel over and die /j not literally but yknow what i mean

SICK AND TWISTED!!! is my final word on this ep

thanks for joining me in hell ill see yall next week salute emoji

[m0thergoose]

SPOILERS FOR TOWL EPISODE FOUR PROCEED WTIH CAUTION FOR MY RUNNING COMMENTARY

OOO Michonne looks pissed I can’t wait

‘I can’t believe you did that’ ‘I can’t believe you said that’ - calling him out straight away good girl

OMG THE SCAR HE’S GONNA LOSE HIS MIND

Michonne/Danai is so beautiful

The way they’re looking at each other I’m going to die

Oh Michonne talk about Judith with him yeeeees

Calling him a creative writer, Michonne I’m gonna die

FOR YOUR CHILDREN OH MY GOD

SHE AINT LETTING HIM REST

HIS NAME IS RICK OH MY GOOOOOD

HES ALMOST 8 omg her heart is breaking because she hasn’t seen him in so long and he’s so big now, and Rick has missed so much

OHHHH MICHONNE ‘I don’t like who you are with them’ - me neither girl

‘They won a long time ago’ - oh Rick he is so broken

‘Do you think we can do anything? Because I do’ 🫶

What did they do to you? - oh Michonne man he’s so broken

‘Do you still love me’ awwww her broken wee voice I’m going to die

Omg they can go!!

Omg he said no

What the actual fuck

He is a broken man and Michonne is going to tear into him for this

He calls you the brave man 🥹

I could listen to Michonne talk about their kids all damn day

‘I found you but I didn’t’ 😢😢😢

Michonne call him out hahahahha, Rick is spewing some absolute bullshit

‘You’re lying’ Yaaas Michonne

GOD I love angry Michonne this is 10/10

And now are they gonna cry I can’t handle it

Aww my baby Michonne 😢😢😢

She’s just hoping he’ll open that door

Please open it

I’m losing my mind

Yaaaas go Rick go

Michonne gonna unleash on these walkers

YAAAAS RICK

fight them wooooo

‘I DONT EVEN HAVE A WEAPON COMMANDO’ - SASSY MICHONNE IM DEAD

‘The only time I feel safe is when I’m with you’🥹🥹🥹

‘I’m not the brave man’ - oh Rick

YEAH HIT HIM MICHONNE

‘I don’t know who you are because the man I knew would never talk to me like that’ - my heart is BROKEN

How are we fixing this jeeeesus

God I love seeing them fighting together

‘I had this’ - ‘I had this’ GOD THEY ARE BOTH SO SASSY

oh noooooo Michonne is trapped

Omg rick fucking help her

Omg is he gonna kiss her

Or is he gonna cry

OMG it’s happening guys jesuuuuus this is all the richonners have ever wanted

He’s losing his mind

THE WAY THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER I CANT COPE

THIS EPISODE IS DESTROYING ME

‘he looks like me’ - ‘so he’s really good looking’ 😂😂

ROUND TWO!!???!! Disturbed by roomba - love that ricky dicky doo da country boi has no idea what a roomba is lmao

‘One bad harvest - something has to burn to bring it back’ - OMG HE’S TALKING ABOUT HIS DAD??

‘You’re still lying to me. You’re lying to yourself’ - damn right keep calling him out Michonne

OMG THE SCAR

SHES GOING TO TELL HIM WOW

DARYL MENTION

‘SHE STOLE JUDITH’ - his faaaace!!

‘I don’t wanna go into how’ 😢😢😢😢

‘But I kept believing’ 🥹🥹🥹

Omg his hand 😢😢😢

‘You’re still trying, I see it’ he is trying Michonne just keep pushing and he’ll make it

‘I’m sorry for what they did to you’ 😢😢😢😢

Michonne laying down the law - ‘Sit, Rick’ 😂😂

She really couldn’t give a fuck if the building collapses around them she is going to make him talk to her

‘They took a year from me’ ‘I don’t know if she’s okay’ 😢😢😢😢

‘It’s hurting me Rick’ 😢 Rick NEVER wants to hurt her he loves her so much this is heartbreaking

OH MY GOD CARL IM BAWLING

‘I CANT LIVE WITHOUT YOU’

OH MY GOD IM GONNA DIE HE CANT FACE LOSING HER ALL OVER AGAIN

THE CARL PHONE 😢😢😢😢😢😢

‘I found you Rick’ 🫶

I love them so much Michonne honestly is the strongest woman alive

Aww he’s in a jumper not his uniform 💖💖💖💖

THE ELEVATOR KISS

GO GO GO

THEM SWITCHING SEATS LMAOOOO

‘WE CAN MAKE THIS WHOLE DAMN WORLD OURS IF WE WANT TO’ 💖💖💖💖💖

God this is beautiful

A happy ending no cliffhanger???? Oooooo

OMG ARE WE GETTING PROPOSAL WEDDING NEXT WEEK

[woodenfawn]

The Rem Infodump.

The one where i rant about rem and subaru's dynamic and why it's special but i dont think a lot of people really understand it!

This was written a while ago and i may have some things wrong, and it's also good to note I don't think subaru and rem are unnhealthy for each other in the sense that they shouldn't be together (whether romantic or platonic), i just mean the situations they were in forced them to act in certain ways!

I think a lot of people who are bigger re zero fans (who also understand what the story is about) shy away from rem as a character because she's the one "only fake fans who watch the anime for the waifus" like, but while she's not my favorite character i want to bring her a little more appreciation from this side of the fandom!!

new-to-tumblr post spam 3/4 complete, i'll slow down after this XD

I tried tagging with spoilers but just in case it didn't work: spoilers ahead!

So. The rem thing. Ive talked about it vaguely before but never went into detail cause there were people that could be spoiled. The whole point of rems attraction to subaru is not because of harem wish fulfillment. The author clearly stated he hates harems. Subaru does love both rem and emilia, but he has solidly chosen emilia and that's the end of that. It doesn't matter what romantic feelings he could have towards rem because it's already doomed. They both know it. The relationship they form episode 12 and beyond is not meant to be healthy for either of them!! Rem has been saved from her mindset of needing to atone for what she thought of her sister, but her self esteem is still AWFUL which is why she attaches herself to a "hero" instead of learning to recognize her own self worth. Subaru saved her from some things but he's not a hero and he's not exactly the person rem says he is. Partially, but not all of it. It's kind of a mutual decision of theirs to lie to each other and themselves because they need it to cope with themselves. Subaru needs to be a hero for rem or he could never step out of his depressive state. Rem needs a hero in subaru or she cannot feel loved and understood. It's not good for either of them but they don't have an alternative. NOTICE: When subaru rants about how awful he is and rem responds with her famous speech, she doesn't actually contradict much of what he says. They love each other and need each other but it's bad for the both of them. Rem lost her memories because the witches (later correction: it's the bishops) targeted her for her sin, and subaru killing himself over rem is not the action of a person in a healthy mindset. Rem's development was cut short and kind of fridging, its frustrating, but it's not basic waifu stuff and it is meant to be tragic!!!! This is also all a mirror to how subaru and emilia are!

Because while subaru constantly talks about needing to save emilia, he also calls her the main heroine. I used to think about rem as a yesman, but she does many a thing behind subaru's back for his sake the exact way he did to emilia. He learns more about the consequences of his actions that way. oh, it hurts. and oh boy the speech is so misunderstood. That is rem's promise to love him "unconditionally", without acknowledging his flaws, and it helped. It's absolutely what he needed to hear. But it wasn't good. but also, for other reasons, it mirrors another little speech.... subaru's season 2 confession to emilia. Where she can't believe he'd love her, and where he starts to list off things he's done for her and the ways she's made it hard for him. And then tells her, he still loves her, because that's who she is and he wouldn't want it any other way. Which could be taken as another niceguy rant (like a repeat of the season 1 fight) but it's NOT!! Because this is what Emilia needed to hear, because she is not the kind of person who can accept praise without a drawback or asterisk. If she heard all that, all she'd see is another pedestal to fill. this is the healthier version of the rem speech, where she can accept she's flawed and realize she's still loved. Both despite, but also for it. And... it's still not perfect. Because the characters are still growing and learning!!! They are young adults with so many problems and a whole life ahead of them and they still need to learn!!! The upsides and downsides of unconditional love,,,, and is it more unconditional if you love them "despite flaws" or "with flaws" or without seeing any? And is any of that healthy? How can it be good? How can it be bad? Maybe it can be both at once, maybe love isnt perfect!!! a lot of this is hidden in subtext, and the framing of rem's speech may even trick you cause it's triumphant but no there's so much complexity to why they say every single thing they say!!!

Subaru is a character who struggles with love for himself and with love for others, he doesn't know how to make others happy and gets caught in a loop of thinking the only way he can possibly be loved is if he's constantly putting his life on the line for others, without asking anything of them in return. which ends up with him breaking and needing support, and not knowing how to ask, which is why he yells at emilia in season 1 (doesn't help that his deepest trauma is something he is magically obligated not to share for fear of death). His relationship with emilia in season 1 is both very sweet and very unhealthy. he's just a guy with a crush on a girl who's far too good for him and he's trying to work for it but the basis for it is not good- he's attached himself to the first kind person in this new world that he knows and due to "return by death" he's far more invested in her than she is in him- she will never know everything they went through together. and then.... he finds rem. someone who didn't trust him. someone who killed him multiple times throughout the mansion arc, but someone who could understand his loneliness because she was also lonely, and wow- he managed to save her, too! and she doesn't know everything about what he's gone through, but she knows how to read his emotions like no one else can. so they... fall into a codependency. like said before, they can't live without each other, but not everything they do is good for each other. subaru, while gladly taking the role that emilia has in this new relationship, learns more about how she feels. with rem, he learns more about what it means to love, and they both know that it won't last. they didn't expect it to end so soon, though. but oh well, subaru does not have the option to stop. the nature of his powers means dying is pointless, and he has to press on anyways. and he does!!! He meets more people he thinks he can trust. some betray him, but some stick with him. Otto (my sweet boy!!!) is notable!

and now he knows more about love, about trust, about how to treat people, and how he should expect to be treated. so many things. keeping in mind it's been a while since i've watched re zero so i probably don't even have everything there is to say. but like.... then in the end, he can approach emilia with his true emotions. and he can tell her about it in a way she'll understand. and he knows he can do it without being a burden this time. he's become a better person. he's not sure if he'll be rejected, but that's not the point anymore! The point is he loves her and wants the best for her and wants her to know and hopes, no matter the outcome, that she'll be happy to know she's not alone! and the honesty, that's what his speech has over rem's. he's not putting her on a pedestal, he's not using her for the sake of his own self esteem anymore, he just wants to love!

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Extra note on the end (talk about suicidal thinking, be warned!!!)

something I've talked about but don't have saved writing for, a bit more about rem!

I do also think Rem is suicidal. i think she and Subaru recognized each other in that mindset without ever really talking about it. To me, this relationship is two suicidal people trying to prop each other up so the other will keep living, and knowing that if they really give up the other will too. That's why the season 2 development was so punishing for Subaru. I think that Rem's terrible self esteem and feeling of needing to atone for """"ruining her sister's life"""" contributed to it, though i don't know if that's all of it. She also makes multiple comments that are extremely concerning, like how Subaru is her "reason to die", how when she was ready to die fighting the white whale she said she felt like this was the moment she was made for, and biggest of all!! When she was telling her hypothetical story of how she and Subaru would run away together, she planned it all up to the death "I'd like to die first and I'd like my family to be with me", and to me it felt like she was *trying to think of a death that would make her life worth living*. Her motivation to live is following people she can die for, and that's, that's concerning. i hope her character arc properly follows through on what's happening in her head (i don't know how arc 7 goes yet)

...and i also think that Beatrice is the first time Subaru's had to confront his mindset head-on, because Beatrice would refuse to dance around the subject. The lesson he takes from Rem carries over to both Emilia and Beatrice in healthier ways, and I think that's incredibly important!!!!

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thank you for reading!

[butchyeons]

up in space

check it out on ao3!

najeonghyo poly domestic au (ft. ryeji). this fic focuses on jihyo, who’s a traveling nurse, coping with a patient she was really fond of’s passing. also she’s trans and futch bc i said so. jeongyeon and nayeon her emotional support butch and femme respectively. they are very in love!!

trigger warning for discussions of cancer and death. i also use the d slur once but not in a bad way?? if any of that bothers you feel free to skip this one! this fic is a heavy read, so pls be warned!

other tags: hurt/comfort, angst, implied sexual content/jokes, grieving, fluff, domestic stuff idk, discussions of being trans/taking estrogen shots

tysm for all the support on my fics so far! it rlly means a lot. hope you all enjoy- and let me know what you think! this au is rlly special to me and i’ll probably write more in the future bc i love them.

———

Losing a patient was never easy. But this time, it was so much different.

Jihyo did her best to focus on the road- on the long expansion of highway ahead of her. Each time she thought about it, more tears pricked at the corners of her eyes, just like how they had been for the past three days of her shift.

Jihyo wanted to blame it on the estrogen, like she always did. But after being on it for five years, there was only so much blame she could place on her shots. In the back of her mind she could hear Jeongyeon chuckling at her, could see Nayeon giving her that look of sympathy.

“Yah, Jihyo. After a while it becomes less of the hormones and more part of being a woman.” Jeongyeon had said over dinner one night, after Jihyo had spent her whole afternoon crying her eyes out about work. Again.

Jihyo thought that she really understood it now.

Yeji was a sweet girl. She had been in and out of the hospital for years, fighting leukemia. She was diagnosed at a young age, grew up with it. Jihyo met her when she was freshly 13. On the day of her 13th birthday, actually. Jihyo watched as her family- her mom, dad, older sister, and her best friend- brought her a cake and sang her happy birthday. She had one of the brightest smiles Jihyo had ever seen.

Jihyo traveled from hospital to hospital- it was her job to go where she was needed, to specialize in a little bit of everything when it came to pediatrics. But in all her time as a nurse, the hundreds of thousands of patients she saw, she had never found herself as attached to one as she did Hwang Yeji.

She always reminded Jihyo so much of herself. Of that scared little girl that had always lived deep inside her, even before her transition. How that scared little girl never gave up, no matter how bad it got.

When she noticed how that best friend of hers- Ryujin, that was the girl’s name- would stare at her like she put the sun in the sky, she knew. And when she noticed how tightly Yeji would hold Ryujin’s hand as she got the needle in her port changed, how Yeji practically clung to Ryujin during her nausea episodes, she knew.

It reminded her a lot of something she lived through.

The sight of Nayeon in her own hospital bed, her leg shattered, half sobbing as she got the news that she would never be able to walk without pain again- how she wouldn’t be able to return to teaching, effectively getting her passion stolen away in a single afternoon. Jeongyeon held her hand, her expression stern, her eyes never once leaving her wife’s face as the doctor explained the next steps- the surgeries, the physical therapy. Jihyo stood there too, on the other side of Nayeon’s bed, exhausted from having to speed halfway across the country at Jeongyeon’s call. She felt like her heart had broken into a million pieces, scattered in every direction by a wind so strong that she’d never be able to find them all again.

Jihyo had only been with them for a year, then. But when she looked at them, she saw an entire universe. She already knew both of them better than she knew herself. She already knew her specialties, the place she held in both of their lives- fitting in exactly where she needed to, when she needed to. She also already knew then that she would spend the rest of her days with them, if she could.

So when Yeji mentioned her girlfriend to Jihyo one day while she was fixing her IV, Jihyo smiled. She listened, like she always did. She told her she was happy for her, talked about her partners, too. How they were the same. How they had each other, no matter what. Yeji smiled back.

“I hope I can have that one day, too, Ms. Park.”

It was just shy of Yeji’s 16th birthday when Jihyo came back to find her bed empty. It had been a month and a half since Jihyo had been assigned to that hospital. The last time Jihyo spoke with her, they talked about school- how Ryujin had taken their soccer team to the national championships after one last tie-breaker goal in overtime. Yeji was sad she couldn’t be there. She wanted nothing more than to be with Ryujin, was what she told Jihyo.

When she was talking, she was falling asleep. She had been doing that more lately. Jihyo did her best to keep her awake as she changed the needle in her port, told her how good she was doing. Jihyo couldn’t help but notice that she looked so pale, how her vibrant smile had dimmed just slightly. She told Yeji to tell her parents that she said hi, to tell Ryujin congratulations and good luck. She said she couldn’t wait to see her again.

Jihyo gripped the steering wheel impossibly tighter. Her eyes stung, angry thorns of tears working their way up to the surface. She tried to focus on the road- the darkness making everything a bit harder to see. She needed to get glasses. She needed to get home. She needed to get to them.

———

It was nearly 2 am by the time Jihyo pulled into the driveway. The lights were still on in the house- clearly, they were still up. Jihyo mentally scolded them for staying awake for her. But the moment she walked up the steps, only for Jeongyeon to open the door before she could even get her keys out, she forgot all about it.

Jeongyeon didn’t say anything, just held her arms out. Jihyo stepped into them, dropping her backpack on the porch somewhere beside her. Her head found its usual spot- the junction between Jeongyeon’s neck and her shoulder, her nose pressed against the older woman’s pulse point. Jeongyeon just held her, like she always did.

Jeongyeon was all muscle- solid, heavy. She worked outside and it showed. She was rough around the edges, her fingertips worn like the sandpaper she used daily. Jihyo never felt safer than she did in Jeongyeon’s arms.

“Nayeon told me everything- baby, I’m so sorry.” Jeongyeon whispered, her lips brushing against the top of Jihyo’s head.

Jihyo couldn’t miss the way her voice cracked. That’s when she couldn’t hold her tears back anymore.

Jihyo didn’t say anything- she couldn’t, didn’t need to. She just cried. She cried the big, ugly tears she held back for the past three days. She pressed herself into Jeongyeon’s shoulder, her face contorted in pain as she let it all out. Jeongyeon just held her, swaying them both as they stood on the porch, underneath the singular dim light that Jihyo had been meaning to change.

Jihyo had been through so much. Her transition was rough- what she expected to be a casual step into womanhood felt more like a downward freefall with no parachute. She lost everything- her home, her family, her entire support system. But it all seemed so trivial compared to this. At the end of the day, she was breathing. No matter how far she fell, she had someone who could catch her. Two amazing people, actually. And they caught her every single time she fell- over and over again.

The other nurses told her Ryujin was there when she passed. They said they had to practically rip her body out of Ryujin’s arms. They had never seen someone so young but so full of love. Yeji had someone who caught her, too. Even if there was nothing left to catch.

Jihyo asked whatever God was listening to make sure that those two girls met again in the next life, and in every life afterwards. It was the least they deserved. The thought of those two never meeting again in this one made her sob even harder.

“I know, baby.” Jeongyeon whispered, her hand holding the back of Jihyo’s head to her chest, her other arm still wrapped securely around her waist. “I know.”

———

When Jihyo finally calmed down, Jeongyeon helped her inside. She left her in the living room, taking her backpack up to their room. Jihyo could only really stand there, swaying slightly as she stared at the ground- unstable without Jeongyeon to hold her up.

Nayeon, who had been sleeping on the couch snoring peacefully with her jaw half slack, finally stirred. Her eyes slowly opened, a smile forming on her lips as soon as she registered the figure in front of her to be Jihyo. She tried to sit up.

“Jih- ah!” She yelped as she shifted, her leg caught at an awkward angle from how she’d been laying.

At the sound, Jihyo came back down to earth. She quickly rushed to her side, helping her adjust. One of her arms supported Nayeon’s lower back, the other going under the backs of her knees. She helped lift Nayeon up to that she was sitting up straight, her legs out in front of her. She counted to three out loud, waiting for Nayeon to give her a nod, before shifting her again so that her back rested against the back of the couch, her feet on the floor in front of her.

“You really shouldn’t sleep like that, Nay…” Jihyo muttered, no real bite to her words, as she kissed Nayeon’s forehead.

“I know, I just wanted to see you.” Nayeon replied as Jihyo sat down beside her.

“I’ve told you not to stay up late for me.”

“Don’t care.”

“Nayeon-“

Jihyo was cut off as Nayeon pulled her in for a kiss. Their lips met softly, Nayeon’s hand cupping her cheek, helping angle Jihyo’s mouth better to meet hers.

If Jeongyeon was rock, Nayeon was fire. Jihyo always melted right into her. No amount of walls Jihyo had built up could ever resist the pure heat that radiated off of Nayeon. At first it was scary- she had never met someone who made her feel so vulnerable, open. But now the heat was welcomed- needed. It kept Jihyo alive. She wouldn’t want it any other way.

“There’s dinner in the fridge if you’re hungry.” Nayeon whispered as she pulled away, her hand still caressing Jihyo’s cheek. “I missed you.”

“I missed you, too. I ate on the way home earlier.” Jihyo whispered, her eyes closed. “I’ll have some for lunch tomorrow.”

The couch shifted behind Jihyo. She felt a familiar arm wrapping around her waist, steadying her.

“You better.” Jeongyeon whispered, her nose finding Jihyo’s neck. “She made it just for you- the pickiest eater I’ve ever met.”

Jihyo chuckled.

“You both signed up for my picky eating the night you picked me up at the bar.”

Jeongyeon huffed, pulling Jihyo’s back against her front. She pressed a kiss to Jihyo’s neck.

“And you’ve been a pain in the ass ever since. I love you so much.”

“I love you more.” Nayeon added, leaning in to kiss Jihyo again. “So much more.”

If Jeongyeon was the moon and Nayeon was the sun, Jihyo was the constellation that lay between the two of them. She needed them as much as they needed her.

“No fighting.”Jihyo whispered between kisses. “I’m too tired to deal with it.”

Nayeon chuckled as she pulled away, her thumb stroking Jihyo’s cheek.

“You started it.”

“Did not.” Jihyo said, smirking.

Before Nayeon could go back in for another kiss, Jeongyeon groaned. She pulled her face away from Jihyo’s neck, both of her arms still wrapped around the younger woman’s waist.

“Can we go to bed?” She asked.

Jihyo tilted her head back, resting fully against Jeongyeon’s front.

“You don’t even have work tomorrow.”

“I wanted to get some work done around the house.” Jeongyeon grunted.

Jihyo hummed.

“Can it wait a day?”

Jeongyeon huffed through her nose, pressing a kiss to the side of Jihyo’s head.

“Do you need a day?”

Whenever Jihyo had an exceptionally bad shift, she always needed a period of decompression. And usually that decompression consisted of laying around with her girls, watching mindless dramas or reality tv, and lots of kisses. And sex, too. But mainly the first three.

“I need a day.” Jihyo replied.

“You can take as much time as you need, Ji.” Nayeon said as she scooted herself closer. “I know how much you cared about her.”

Jihyo sighed, but smiled sadly. Her thoughts were racing still. It felt like an open wound directly on the center of her heart- everything kept bothering it. There was so much she wished she could’ve said or done. She didn’t even get to say goodbye.

“I love you both.” Was all Jihyo could say before the tears came back again.

———

None of them spoke anymore that night. They didn’t really need to. Jeongyeon helped Nayeon get up from the couch, her arm secured around her wife’s waist as she led her back to their bedroom. Jihyo followed behind them, sneaking off into to master bathroom after giving them both one last kiss.

She needed a shower- needed to wash the hospital smell out of her hair, to get the days of built up sweat off of her skin. She did her best to not think about it anymore- tried to focus on the things she could be doing instead, on what she had right in front of her. Her therapist told her she tended to dwell on the “what ifs”, which always blinded her from the “right nows”. And right then, she was home, safe. Surrounded by love.

She was so damn lucky to have them- to be loved by them. They saved her life, and she saved theirs. That’s how they worked. That’s how they would always work.

After she finished blowdrying her hair, too exhausted to do her sacred skincare routine, she slinked out of the bathroom. Nayeon was already asleep again- snoring loudly. Next to her, Jeongyeon was still looking at her phone. As soon as Jihyo got into her pajamas, she leaned over and turned the bedside lamp off. Jihyo crawled in between the two of them, doing her best to not jostle Nayeon, who just shifted slightly, her arm instinctively throwing itself over Jihyo’s waist in her sleep.

Jeongyeon adjusted herself so that Jihyo was resting her head on her chest, like always. Jeongyeon was warm- she got so warm when the three of them slept together that eventually she just opted to sleep in boxers and nothing else- but Jihyo needed it. Her body shivered a bit, still adjusting to the temperature shift from the bathroom. Somehow, Nayeon wiggled even closer to her, her arm getting even tighter as she was still snoring.

No matter what happened, Jeongyeon and Nayeon always kept Jihyo tied down, grounded. No matter how high up she floated, they always managed to pull her back in. They had a gravitational pull all of their own- the sun, moon, and stars all in one bed together.

“Love you.” Jihyo muttered, her eyes finally closing easily for the first time in days.

“Love you too. Always will.” Jeongyeon answered.

It didn’t take long at all for both of them to fall asleep.

———

The next time Jihyo worked at that hospital, the head nurse, Dahyun, stopped her.

“Hey, Jihyo. Someone came by and left this letter for you a few days ago.” She said, handing an envelope to her.

Jihyo raised her eyebrows, examining it. It was a yellow envelope, her name written on the front. It was held closed with a sticker of the smiling cat emoji. She thanked Dahyun as she folded it in half and placed it in one of the pockets of her scrubs, heading off to help another patient.

When she got to her lunch break, she finally got to check it. She sat in her car, her lunchbox out on the seat beside her. Inside, Nayeon had made sure to pack all of her favorites to last her for the few days she was gone, along with her usual handwritten note wishing her good luck (which was Jihyo’s favorite part of lunchtime). She picked out one of the sandwiches and a bag of chips before closing the bag back up.

She reached inside her pocket and pulled the envelope out. Jihyo carefully opened it, doing her best to not rip the cat sticker, taking out the letter that was inside. It was written on notebook paper in blue ink- the page covered in other tiny, scribbled drawings of cats. The handwriting was a bit messy, but still somehow neat- extremely unique. When she noticed the name at the top, Jihyo smiled.

Ms. Park,

This is Shin Ryujin. I’m not sure if you’ll remember me, but you took care of my girlfriend, Hwang Yeji, up until she passed. I wanted to write you this letter as a way of saying thank you. You helped her through some really hard times, without even knowing. Her parents weren’t really happy about us being together. Of course, they wouldn’t leave her, but they scolded me and her a lot. It sucked to have that on top of everything else.

But what didn’t suck was when you were there. You were a really good shoulder for her to lean on. She was always so happy telling me about you and your partners (wives? I hope you guys get married or something). You helped her accept a lot of herself. That helped me accept a lot of myself, too.

She wanted to be a nurse, just like you. She wanted to open her own hospital, eventually. All she ever thought about was helping others, no matter how sick she got. She even still tried to give blood when we did blood drives at school for her. She was the sweetest girl I had ever met. I think I’ll love her until the day I die. I hope you feel that way about your girls, too.

Even though there was nothing that could be done to prevent what happened, you really saved her life. You saved mine, too. Please, keep doing what you do. You really were a lifeline for two clueless lesbians, haha. Hopefully you’ll help more in the future. In fact, I know you will.

Thank you for everything. I can only hope to meet you again in the future. I’ll never forget you. I hope you never forget us.

- Shin Ryujin

P.S. We won the championship! Thank you for the well wishes. Yeji passed a few days after. I told her I’d win for her- and I did.

I think I’ll keep doing everything for her.

Attached to the letter was a picture of them. It was a selfie- Ryujin holding the phone up while Yeji smiled that same brilliant smile that Jihyo always knew. She was bundled up in a jacket, sweater, and a beanie, while Ryujin only had on a sweatshirt. They were at the beach- the ocean waves crashing onto the shore behind them. The bottom of the photo had a date written- February. Yeji had passed in late April.

It was a lot for Jihyo to read, to take in. She felt a pit form in her stomach- a black hole that would open up and swallow her. She set the letter and photo down, taking a deep breath to steady herself. She looked out at the side of the hospital building- trying to count the bricks on the side of the wall, trying to give herself something to keep her grounded.

It really wasn’t enough. She needed something stronger, needed her gravitational pull- she needed her universe.

Jihyo immediately pulled her phone out and called Jeongyeon. Really, her number was off limits except for emergencies. But she figured she would let this one slide. She quickly found Jeongyeon’s contact and pressed the call button.

The line rang a few times before someone picked up. Jihyo was met with the clear sounds of a jackhammer whirring in the background, along with men yelling at one another. And then there was Jeongyeon’s laugh.

“Mind your business- Seriously, Changbin. Get back to work- I’m your boss. I can do what I want. Shut up.” Jeongyeon yelled- clearly, one of her guys was up her ass about her taking a phone call.

After a few more moments of bickering over the sounds of heavy machinery, Jihyo listened as a door slammed- all the noises cutting out in an instant. She smiled when Jeongyeon huffed.

“This better be good, Park Jihyo.” She said, annoyed. But that act faded immediately, like it always did. “Are you okay?”

“Yah, Jeongyeon. I’m pregnant. It’s yours.” Jihyo said, grinning as she took a bite of her sandwich.

“I’m finally gonna be a dad?” Jeongyeon asked in that stupid, playful voice of hers, feigning excitement.

“Seems like it. Was daddy just not good enough for you?”

“Oh that’s never enough, baby. Need to actually get you-“

“Oh my god, Jeongyeon- shut up.” Jihyo said, cutting off the older woman, nearly choking on her food. “You’re so- god you can’t even- you’re disgusting!”

Jihyo sputtered over her words as she coughed. Jeongyeon just laughed. Typical.

“God- are you busy?” Jihyo asked once she was able to breathe.

“I’m at work, Hyo. Yes.”

“Well do you have a second?”

“For you.” Jeongyeon sighed. Jihyo could hear her smile through the phone. “What’s wrong? You never call at this time. Did something happen?”

“Well, no. But yes.” Jihyo answered, setting her food down to tap at her phone. “Wait. Let me add Nayeon- I need you both here for this.”

Jeongyeon hummed. Jihyo started the three-way call, the line ringing a few times before Nayeon picked up.

“Hi baby!” She said cheerfully. “Oh wait, you’re both here- did something happen? You never call at work.”

Despite their obvious differences, Jihyo thought it was almost comical how similar Jeongyeon and Nayeon were. Jihyo sighed, smiling down at the call screen.

“I got a letter today. I wanted you both to hear it.”

So, Jihyo read it out to them. By the end of the second read, she was fighting back her tears again. When she told them about the picture, it was nearly impossible to speak without her voice cracking.

It was the estrogen- had to be that. She just took her shot yesterday. That’s what she told herself. That’s why everything felt so heavy, why her voice fluttered between octaves, a bird angrily trying to claw its way out of a cage. The typical symptoms of second puberty- of womanhood.

Jeongyeon and Nayeon were both silent. A few moments passed before there was a sniffle on Jeongyeon’s end.

“Hyo, oh my god.”

Jihyo couldn’t hold back then. She grit her teeth, leaning back into her seat, her body trembling as she gripped her phone- trying to hold back the sobs. She gasped for air without meaning to. She wished she was home, wished she was between her sun and moon.

“You saved her life, Jihyo.” Nayeon whispered.

In Jihyo’s mind, all she saw was the night they met. She had never even been to a gay bar before- but she was down on her luck, needed to have a good time. She still felt like she was pretending, felt like she was dressing up as the idea of a woman. She needed to be around people like her. She had been taking her shots for a month then- living in her car as she traveled from hospital to hospital, praying her patients and coworkers would just be decent. Decency was found few and far between back then.

She was just about to call it a night when a couple came up to her. They asked for her name, asked if she lived in town- said they’d remember seeing a pretty face like hers. When she explained she was just in for a few days before she took off on call again, they asked if she’d like to go home with them- to stay for the night, to have some fun. And how could Jihyo deny the most gorgeous butch and femme she had ever seen of anything, especially after they bought her a drink and showered her in compliments. And then the one night stay turned into a permanent residence, into stability. Decency turned into real, genuine love.

A whole ocean of people were in that bar that night, but somehow the tides pulled them towards each other. She wasn’t even trying to be seen- wanted to let the waves just take her where they felt. But every day she thanks whatever divine being blessed her with the lifeboat that was Yoo Jeongyeon and Im Nayeon, how they pulled her on board and allowed her a spot in their crew. She had her life saved. And more importantly, she got to keep doing the same for others because of it.

“E-Even if she didn’t make it, you saved her.” Nayeon said, clearly choked up on her own tears. “Both of them.”

Jihyo nodded. She had finally calmed down. She stared at the half eaten sandwich, sitting haphazardly in her lap.

“I saw so much of myself in her.” She muttered. “I saw so much of us in both of them. She deserved so much more than she got. Both of them did.”

There was a moment of silence again. The black hole in the pit of Jihyo’s stomach was gone.

“You’re really amazing, Jihyo.” Jeongyeon said, her voice distant. “I don’t even have the words.”

Jihyo let out a huff, smiling. She could feel the floorboard of her car underneath her feet, registered the texture of her shirt as she brushed some breadcrumbs away. Back down on earth.

“You two are biased.”

Both of them made noises of protest, which crackled over the speakers of her phone.

“So what if I am?” Nayeon asked. “You’re one of the most selfless people on this planet. I’m lucky to have you- Jeongyeon and I both are.”

“I will say it until my last breath and mean it every single time-” Jeongyeon cut in. “You are amazing, Park Jihyo. God. You are a life saver- literally.”

Jihyo leaned back in her seat, finally taking another bite of her sandwich. There was no point in arguing with them- that’s how it always was. But their words helped her feel real again. She felt like a human being by their sides.

“Fine. Whatever you say.”

“We wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true, and you know that.” Nayeon said softly.

Jihyo smiled, her face still wet from her tears. Her speakers vibrated when Jeongyeon chuckled, sniffling again.

“God- you call me at work and make me cry. The guys will never let me live this one down.”

Jihyo rolled her eyes, wiping up the last remnants of her emotions with the sleeve of her undershirt.

“So what? They’ll never understand what it’s like to be a woman. Not like we do, anyways.”

Nayeon hummed in agreement, her sweet, bunny-toothed smile clear as day over the phone. Jihyo wished she could see it. Jeongyeon laughed- that bubbly, staggered laugh that Jihyo absolutely adored.

“You’re damn right they won’t.” Jeongyeon said firmly.

———

From that day forward, Jihyo kept the letter and picture in her glovebox. She got over it the best she could- she had to. She knew better than to dwell on it for too long, to spend too much time thinking about the “what ifs”.

But when she was having an exceptionally rough shift, she looked at them. When she was mentally beating herself to a pulp, telling herself how she needed to be better, she thought about them. When she broke herself down to her barest, most raw essentials, examining every part of herself thoroughly before putting it all back together, she reminded herself that there was a point. She had to keep going. If not for herself, for other people. She had people to help, lives to save.

If Ryujin could keep going, she could, too. She had someone to fight for- and so did Jihyo. She had two people.

She was back home, snuggled inbetween Jeongyeon and Nayeon in their bed that was so clearly not made to fit all three of them. Her back was pressed as close as it ever could be to Jeongyeon’s front as Nayeon kissed her, their noses bumping into one another from the weird angle. It made Jihyo giggle, made Nayeon smile even harder. Jeongyeon pressed a kiss to the back of Jihyo’s head.

“Would you two love birds cut it out so I can sleep?” She mumbled, her voice muffled by Jihyo’s hair.

“You’re off tomorrow.” Nayeon said bluntly between more kisses.

Jeongyeon groaned. “I have to get the light on the porch fixed.”

Jihyo eyed Nayeon, who gave her one last kiss, before shifting so that she faced Jeongyeon. Nayeon’s arms replaced Jeongyeon’s easily, finding their usual spot at Jihyo’s waist.

“It’s not that hard to change a lightbulb, baby.” Jihyo whispered as she took Jeongyeon’s face in her hands, her thumbs circling the apples of her cheeks. “I think you’re just getting worn out.”

Jeongyeon rolled her eyes, pursing her lips into that signature annoyed smile she always did.

“It’s because of you two.”

Jihyo smirked, Nayeon made an annoyed sound somewhere behind her. She pulled Jeongyeon in for a kiss- deep, but soft. Their lips moved the same way they always had, always would. When Jihyo felt Jeongyeon’s tongue swipe against her lower lip, she shifted again- sitting up to straddle the older woman’s hips, her hands finding her bare chest- never breaking their kiss. Of course, Jeongyeon was already shirtless, heat radiating off of her tanned skin from how closely the three of them were pressed together. Nayeon moved closer, clinging to her wife, her mouth finding its way to Jeongyeon’s collarbone. When Jeongyeon whimpered, Jihyo finally pulled away.

“You love it though, really.” She said, smirking. Her grip tightened, earning another small sound of need.

The sight of Jeongyeon underneath her, of Nayeon holding onto her as if she’d slip away would never fail to make Jihyo feel like she was in heaven. The way their bodies moved together, how natural it all felt- Jihyo was the luckiest person in the entire world. Her whole universe squeezed onto a king sized mattress; the sun, moon, and stars all contained in three tired, old dykes.

Jihyo rolled her eyes. Nayeon pressed a kiss to Jeongyeon’s cheek. Jeongyeon just smiled.

“I do.”

———

Jihyo stepped down from the ladder, wiping the sweat off her brow that had formed in the brief time it took for her to switch out the old lightbulb on the porch. It was the dead of summer now- the sun baring down its rays angrily, warming everything up to what felt like a boiling point.

Beside her, Nayeon sat in one of the chairs, in sunglasses with her favorite sundress on, three glasses of fresh lemonade on the table next to her. Her legs were propped up on the wicker footrest they bought after her accident. A random piece of white wood furniture among all the black metal. It didn’t match the set, but it worked. Jihyo always thought it was funny that she could relate to a footrest.

“She’s still got it in her, doesn’t she?” Nayeon asked, referring to their third half.

Jihyo turned, watching as Jeongyeon fought to turn their push mower on. She gave the chord a few more good pulls, trying her damnedest to get it started. That thing had been giving her hell for the past few weeks- it was on its last leg, needed to be replaced the moment they got it. But the three of them were stubborn, wanted to get their money’s worth out of the 20 year old hunk of metal that they bought used at a garage sale. All ₩40,000 worth.

“I’m more so concerned about why you feel the need to babysit.” Jihyo said, sitting down in the chair beside Nayeon’s.

She took a good look at Nayeon- at the way her bottom lip poked out, pouting as she judged her wife. She pushed her sunglasses up on her head, revealing those beautiful, round eyes. Her face scrunched from the sunlight, her nose crinkling. Jihyo thought she was the prettiest person to have ever existed.

“There’s a masc shortage, sweetheart.” Nayeon said, shifting to get her glass of lemonade off the table. She took a sip. “I can’t have anyone trying to steal her from us.”

Jihyo chuckled. She watched as Jeongyeon finally gave up, letting out an annoyed groan as she kicked the side of the lawnmower. As if by magic, the machine whirred to life. Jeongyeon let out her excited squawks, jumping around it in a circle with her arms up before turning to look up at them on the porch, a giant grin plastered on her face, adorned by those beautiful crescent moon eyes.

Jihyo waved, smiling back. Nayeon clapped beside her, cheering. Jeongyeon took a bow before adjusting herself and cheerfully flexing her biceps- putting on a show for her two favorite girls, as always. Nayeon whistled, and Jihyo rolled her eyes, laughing. She looked like an idiot. Jihyo loved her more than words would ever describe.

“I don’t think anyone besides us wants her that badly, Nay.” Jihyo huffed out, taking a sip of her drink.

“I’d sure hope so.” Nayeon said, looking over at her. “I’m selfish. No one deserves her more than we do. I don’t wanna share.”

Jihyo shared the same sentiment, but didn’t say it. She sat back on her seat, watching as Jeongyeon finally got to mowing the grass- sweat already ruining the muscle shirt that clung to her torso. She glanced over at Nayeon again, who was smiling so brightly, laughing as she watched Jeongyeon do her best to maneuver that piece of junk around the front yard, pulling her sunglasses back down over her eyes.

These were her people. They were her reason for existing, for continuing to exist. They made life seem so simple- so perfect. She had something to fight for that was real, tangible. She was so lucky to have this, to have them. To have them share themselves with her, to lay everything about themselves out on the table for her. Over and over, they shared everything. Jihyo never knew she could have this much love for more than one person- she never knew soulmates could be a trio until she met them.

“I’m gonna go get dinner started. Wanted to make kimchi stew for you.” Nayeon said. “Help me up?”

Jihyo set her drink down. Wordlessly she got up, going over to Nayeon’s side, taking her empty cup from her. She lifted Nayeon’s ankles up and off the footrest, gently setting her feet down on the ground. She moved to wrap her arm around Nayeon’s waist, counted to three, waited for Nayeon’s approval, before hoisting her up. They stood there for a moment, ignoring the heat, pressed as close together as they possibly could be.

“Thank you, baby.” Nayeon said softly, pulling Jihyo in for a kiss.

“It’s not a problem, Nay. You know that.” Jihyo said, smiling as Nayeon pulled away.

“I know.” Nayeon whispered, tapping Jihyo’s cheek a few times with her fingers. “But can’t a girl say thank you to her emotional support futch every once in a while?”

Jihyo snorted.

“I guess she can. Especially when you say it so sweetly.”

She helped Nayeon get inside along with their empty cups, her arm never leaving the older woman’s waist until they made it to the kitchen. Nayeon insisted she could handle it from there. And really, Jihyo knew she could, but the worry would never leave. She had come a long way since the accident- her body bounced back shockingly well. She just needed a little help getting started still, and Jihyo was more than happy to provide it.

After a few more kisses and some filthy comments about what they’d be doing later from Nayeon, Jihyo went back out to check on Jeongyeon. The lawnmower had finally given out, but thankfully Jeongyeon had just finished the yard. She was sitting on the steps, slamming the glass of lemonade that Nayeon had left behind for her.

“You good, Jeong?” Jihyo asked, her arms crossed as she stood behind her.

Jeongyeon finished the glass, grinning from ear to ear as she tilted her head back to look up at Jihyo.

“Never been better, Hyo.”

Jihyo rolled her eyes and helped pull her up. Jeongyeon stretched her arms out, her back cracking loudly. It made both of them laugh. Jeongyeon took the opportunity to pull Jihyo into one of her bear hugs.

“God- Jeongyeon- you’re so sweaty.” Jihyo protested. Her arms wrapped right around Jeongyeon’s waist, her head finding its spot on her shoulder. “Get off of me.”

“You love it though. Can’t get enough of it.” Jeongyeon teased, pressing a kiss to Jihyo’s temple.

“Shut up.” Jihyo hissed, finally pulling away. “Go take a shower.”

Jihyo went back into the house and Jeongyeon followed her. While Jihyo stopped to take her shoes off, Jeongyeon got right behind her, landing a smack on her ass and causing her to yelp.

“C’mon baby. You wouldn’t be complaining about it if I took you right here- you love it that much.” Jeongyeon said, smirking mischievously before running off, back to their bedroom.

“Shut up!” Jihyo yelled, regaining her balance. “Oh my god. You and Nayeon are so nasty! No decorum around here.”

“Wouldn’t be fun if we had any, and you know it.” Nayeon said, peeking her head out from the kitchen. She had her usual grin on her face.

Jihyo rolled her eyes. She walked back to the kitchen and rejoined her partner, helping Nayeon prep the ingredients for the stew. After a bit, Jeongyeon finally came back down- freshly showered, her short, wet hair messy from where she lazily towel dried it. As Jihyo was cutting up pieces of tofu, she watched Jeongyeon walk up behind Nayeon, her arms wrapping around her waist.

Jihyo smiled at the sight of the two of them. Nayeon smiled, leaning back against her wife, whispering something up to her that Jihyo couldn’t quite catch. Jeongyeon just chuckled, her nose pressing into Nayeon’s hair.

She couldn’t help but think about them again- about the life they could’ve had together. She couldn’t help but see a future for them every time she passed by that hospital room. The way Yeji would speak and Ryujin would just listen, smiling. How Ryujin would hold Yeji’s hand the entire time. They deserved something good more than anyone else. She was happy they had each other until the end.

She could only hope to have a love like that. Well, she didn’t really need to hope for it- she had it. It was already right in front of her, their force of gravity pulling her in over and over again.

[angie-long-legs]

⚠️ TW FOR SA AND THE R WORD ⚠️

Headcanon: Angel's perspective regarding his own abuse (again, I can't stress enough that this might strike a chord if you've experienced SA so proceed with caution!)

Angel does not think of himself as a victim of sexual assault or rape. It's not something he's put a lot of thought into - quite the opposite. In order to cope and survive, he doesn't think about it. When he is made to think about it, that's when the flimsy excuses and justifications he comes up with to defend what happens to him start breaking down, and without those defences, he lashes out.

Excuses like "I gave consent when I gave him my soul, I signed up for this", "he's not like this all the time", "I still get off so it can't be that bad", "sometimes he's really sweet and loving", "I act up and piss him off, that's why he treats me like that", "if it was truly bad then I'd hate him, but I adore him".

It's easier to believe that you are not being hurt than to know that you are being hurt and can't do anything about it.

It's also important to remember that he is actively being abused, so these barriers he's put in place to prevent him from coming to terms with his reality are still serving their purpose. It wouldn't be safe for him confront exactly how horrific things truly are, or how little power he has in his situation. He says it himself:

"This is my escape! Where I can forget about it all! How much I hate... everything. A place where I can get high, and not have to think about how much it hurts."

What he's doing is survival, because being constantly aware of his own situation would bury him. Only in a situation where he was no longer being abused would he be able to truly process what has happened to him in any real depth.

He knows, to an extent, that what is happening to him is bad. He knows he's messed up because of it. But if you went up to Angel and said, "hey, when Val forces you to have sex with him or with others against your will, that's rape" he would most likely respond with anger and become deeply defensive. Where he's currently at in his story, he wouldn't be able to comprehend it in a way that was helpful or even safe for him.

Which is why he's numbing himself by getting high. And which is why getting sober while he's still being abused isn't safe either. Taking away his primary coping mechanism while he still has to endure the main reason for it would feel like a cruel punishment.

Which is why, since it's come up on here, Angel is unable to meaningfully process that his actions towards Husk pre episode 4 were harassment/assault. He struggles to comprehend that what he is constantly subjected to is indeed abuse, and to entertain the idea that his actions were not okay opens up a can of worms that can't coexist with the reality he has decided upon for himself. If even that level of unwanted attention is classed as harassment, what does that say about how other sinners instinctively treat him that same way? If that's not okay, what does that say about the more severe instances? What does that mean for damn near every sexual encounter he's ever had? What does it say about him, that he would cross someone else's boundaries, just like Valentino crossed his?

Much as I desperately want Angel to be held accountable for his harassment of Husk, I think he would only truly understand the depth of why the way he acted was wrong and harmful when he was out of his abusive situation and actively working on healing from his trauma. I think he would apologise for making Husk uncomfortable because he loves him and would feel remorseful for harming someone he cares about, but wouldn't be able to fully comprehend why what he did was wrong, because in doing so he would be admitting to having been harmed in ways he isn't ready to address.

[backjustforberena]

i'm probably the only one that didn't enjoy rhaenys and corlys' s scene fully, idk It was awful when he left her alone even if she needed him and she was almost in tears, rhaenys's deep loneliness hurt me. it was almost the same sensation i felt during the 'driftmark episode'.

I'm never going to say that I "enjoyed" Corlys leaving her because what that man should do is wrap her in a hug, never leave her and just do everything she says.

BUT. I do actually love it. It's heartbreaking. But it's in character. I don't think that Corlys fully believes himself capable of being a support to Rhaenys, nor do I feel like Rhaenys can fully be open to Corlys. This is the closest she's come to it, but there's still a sense from her to protect herself. I think they're both facing mortality and their losses and potential losses... and that's making them pull away from each other but also pretend that things are fine.

Corlys has just returned back from the dead, basically. And his heir has been murdered, a boy they loved dearly. I also think there's a lot of compound grief about his kids and his brother. His usual coping mechanisms are shaky. He can't go to sea, his physical fitness was diminished and he's still ashamed of leaving his wife. He's not feeling masculine or strong or worthy. So deflecting and pretence seem to be the order of the day so as to not make Rhaenys worry, in the hopes that he'll become that man. So he'll avoid the conversations bound to cause them strife and he'll put all his effort into building his boat back up and he'll trust that his wife will remain patient and loyal because he loves her. He knows how strong she is, how she's survived without him and doesn't need him. He'll work and work until he can be of practical use to her and unashamed to engage with her.

So I think there's absolutely the question that can be asked if: how bad is Corlys actually admitting this is? He's wanting to keep her happy. But he thinks the best way to do that is to ignore the issues.

And, crucially, he thinks he's got the time to do that. Or hopes he does, at any rate.

I think as vulnerable as Rhaenys is, Corlys is suffering with his own vulnerability.

Rhaenys, on the flip side, is just asking him to be there. She can handle it, and I think that's what he's taking for granted, she can absolutely carry herself and it and everything. She doesn't need him. But she wants him. She wants him to support her on the council, she wants him to make a choice about his heir (I genuinely don't think she minds who, just pick), she wants him to have this tough conversation and be honest about the fact that this is war and she might lose him and he's not invincible. And that that scares her. He scared her. It's not so long that she was left without him and didn't know what to do in a way that might make him happy.

But Rhaenys is never going to press it. I think she's aware of his fragility. She sees him trying to deal with his feelings as a rush to get back to war, rather than a rush to be strong and useful again. She's nurturing him (made sure he had lunch, broth included), she's trying to see if he can be relied upon. She wants to rely on him.

But she can't because she's fixed on the idea of strength. They speak of politics but not feelings, not really. The only thing that betrays her is her voice, not her words.

She still takes comfort in him. I stand by that. But I think both are seeking comfort in each other but away from each other? If that makes sense? It's like right place, wrong time. There's a disconnect there, not out of any conscious effort. In fact I think they think they are helping the other! But in protecting yourself, you close yourself off from your partner.

Corlys can think he has time because he's not going to sea any time soon. But Rhaenys is on the frontline. Politically and personally, she is seeing that war coming like a dark cloud. And she knows how fleeting things are.

I hope that made a lick of sense. I enjoyed the scene immensely because I enjoy the characters. Tragedy included. The tragedy is now built-in.

[mostofthingsmostofthetime]

Omg just watched episode 2 of Distant Lands & I'm screaming.

Now, don't get me wrong, I definitely shipped Bubbleline before, but this episode had me INVESTED!!!!

Ahhr, I don't even know where to start?

The glass kingdom is so beautiful. I don't care how impractical it'd be, I wanna live there.

Marceline's old look was so awesome!!!!!! like, don't get me wrong, she always looks good, but I know WLW were being fed this episode, lol. As for me, I want Bubblegum's wardrobe STAT as not only is it a pastel lover's dream come true, but all the clothes look so soft (which I don't know how they manage to convey in 2D but they did).

Domestic Bubbleline has my entire heart forever, bye!!!!

Am I correct in seeing the friendship between glass boy & See Through princess as a parallel to Finn & Bubblegum's early friendship? Like tall, beautiful royal that's bogged down by her duty vs small, younger(?), disabled (which Finn later ends up becoming), blue boy who starts feeling dismissed/not taken seriously by his older(?) friend & wants to help/be a hero despite not having any powers (ok, so Finn has lightning amuinty, but that didn't come till much later)? Plus, there's the whole fire monster trying to kill him only for it to turn out to not be so bad, like when flame princess was introduced, & turning into (what looks to me like) some kind of a butterfly at the end, which we know was one of the things Finn was reincarnated as in a past life.

Those royal helpers (or whatever they're called) suck ass.

Simon, I love you!!!! Also, Ignore those monsters. Wear that moomoo & crown if it helps you cope.

They bubble wrapped him!!!! I'm crying, that's the sweetest, funniest & most practical way to go about it though like dude, you're litrually made of glass & already have a cracked face. You need to be way more careful about your obvious fragility.

I'm sorry, Bonnie, but the song does slap.

This is the major Bubblegum betrayal that I've been hearing about? Omg you have to be kidding. Like, I'm not saying you HAVE to love her as a character, but you really had me scared she was gonna do something absolutely twisted & it turned out to be.....this? Like, don't get me wrong, her reasoning wasn't the best & it was definitely bad of her to keep it from Marcleline, but do we really want characters without flaws & why are some fans seemingly convinced that Bubblegum is the sole AT character (especially out of her & Marcleline) that has any? Like the episode litrually gives us serval scenes from both of their POV's to show us that they each have good & bad qualities, streaths & weaknesses, baggage/insecurities & don't always handle everything the best way (especially in the past) but that they clearly love each other & are now in a much better place. Where they are willing to learn & grow & be vunrable by actually talking things out & apologising if they do something that hurts the other. Also wasn't, overcoming past hurts that are impacting your current, hard earned happiness by realising that you can't always be right/win all the time & that it's not always worth it if it means loosing what really matters to you, a huge part of the theme of the episode?

Mama Marcleline, we finally get more of your backstory & god dose it hurt. RIP queen, you did the best you could (am still scared to find out how you ended up pregnant though coz like, Hunson's a freak LMFAO!). Also, baby Marcy, I wanna hug you so bad 💔😭.

Ok, that song is so fucking cute that it makes me wanna bite my own cheeks off & eat them, and no, I don't care that that doesn't make sense.

That's how she got the band shirt? Omg, shoot me dead!

Oh, Simon, you know those banana guards can't do shit lol.

Omg Finn!!!!! Ok, so I kind of already saw that visual (being online, you can only avoid spoilers for so long), but still. My man, looking good. No prostetic? That's probably nice for amputees to see. The Jake Tattoo makes me both happy & sad because, on the one hand, it shows how much they love each other, but on the other, he probably got it because Jake is dead in this time period (I'm assuming).

Omg, grown-up Bronwyn is so cute 🥰!!!!!!!!

All the other cracks being revealed in others was a lovely touch. Thinking about the cracks as flaws or imperfections (or truma like the "damage" people accuire through being alive) & how society demonises that to the point where people feel like they have to hide them & then lash out at others who can't or refuse to hide theirs. Also, love the princess getting pants, lol. The angry monster secretly having a cracked face the whole time got me ok . Like, no wonder it hated the palace for how they acted towards glass boy. When it first saw him, it was probably so happy to know that someone like it existed & then was so hurt that Glass Boy was trying to change himself to be like everyone else.

Yes, Glass boy, kill those assholes!!!!! I hate hypocrites. It's sadly realistic, though. Sometimes, it really is the people with the most flaws who wanna condemn people the most.

[vestaclinicpod]

Audio Drama Sunday - 20th August ✨

I must admit that I dedicated A LOT of listening hours this week to the new Hozier album (which is incredible omg) but I still had some great audio drama listening!

🌲@hellofromthehallowoods (129) What a fun break from episode convention! I’ve been highly suspicious of Nimbus from the start, and I feel vindicated that he’s not a normal cat as well as relieved that he doesn’t seem to be overtly malicious. I can’t relate to Nikignik’s dislike of felines, but it did really make me chuckle when it was revealed that all indescribables fear cats… Buddy, you can fear something without reviling it! Ough and the look-in on Jackie HURT MY FEELINGS so bad!! I can’t cope with sad dogs 🥺

🦀 @thesiltverses (30) TSV is back, babey!!! The sound design at the start of the episode was phenomenal, I loved the way they weaved music in with the sound effects in such a fluid way (the river sure does rise!) And oh man, Faulkner, you fucking idiot. They know!! They all know!!! It is such a delight to hear some of my favourite VAs doing their amazing work again. Méabh de Brún has absolutely annihilated me already. I’m obsessed with this discovery that the Trawlerman appears to still favour Carpenter while the Caring Maiden seems to slip away the more Carpenter seeks her. I should have started a S3 bingo because I was hoping so badly that Carpenter would join up with Hayward and Paige!! This season is going to be amazing. I’m so ready. 

📻 @monstrousagonies (108) Mab!! The queen returns! I am ever so slightly skeptical that Apocacorp is all bluster . . . I just feel like, even if that is the case, they’re not going away without more of a fight . . . 

🌒 @monkeymanproductions Moonbase Theta, Out (finale part 1) OHHHHH SHIT!!! It’s all kicking off on the moon!!!!! I love Alex’s sweet, sincere hopefulness in: ‘We’ve been through the end of so many things but we’re still here’ 💙 Isn’t that just it! I don’t want to give away the major spoiler because the ep only just dropped but oooohhhh my god! I was wondering if this might happen and wrote the idea off. This changes everything!! 

🎙 Welcome To Night Vale (232) HELL YES. I have been waiting literal YEARS to get into this business with the Desert Otherworld and its impact on my favourite scientist and the impact of both on my favourite community radio show host. My popcorn is ready, let’s get into it!!! 🍿

🤴I finished season one of InCo by @itmeblog! This is micro-scifi at its best and if you’re a fan of extensive single-person casts, InCo does it remarkably!! I'm really looking forward to seeing how the story develops!

🧬 Regina Prime (6) OOF I think this is one of the most intense episodes we’ve had yet! The acting was amazing in this one, Jess pulled out a full Youtuber apology and managed to keep that edge in her voice to give you the prickling sensation that something isn’t quite right. 

 💫 Wolf 359 (48) Ugh what an absolute mind fuck! I’ve been tying myself in knots trying to work out how I would personally react and cope if faced with a scenario where one of my friends is not the person I knew but is otherwise indistinguishable from them. And I just don’t know!

🎩 @ethicstownpod (8) AAH!! Ethics finale!!! This show has been a wild ride from start to finish and WOW what an ending!! I really don’t want to give anything away to people who haven’t listened yet but I’m almost ashamed that I didn’t see this coming and if you haven’t listened to Ethics you really really need to!!! 

🥾@doyoucopypod (6) More questions than answers from this episode of Do You Copy! What does Reese know?! What doesn’t like you listening?? What doesn’t like you listening?!??! 

🐬 More spectacularly odd @patterspod P Files! It’s fun to hear the obvious mistake being made and I’m really looking forward to Ryan facing the consequences of certain actions….

I hope everyone has a lovely week!

[frogizz]

Jin Ling, man I pity the kid.

The Untamed Spoilers (Up to Episode 47)

*I haven't read the novel, I will update this when I do. Also, this is a rant, not some analysis, so this is heavily opinionated on what I just binge watched for the past week.*

Dead parents, raised during a time after war but during the corruption and manipulation lead by his own clan, his clan leader being human scum without him even knowing, his martial uncle being the one to have had killed his parents, bullied because of him being an orphan, raised by his maternal uncle who can't handle his emotions well either.

This kid gave me the impression of an arrogant spoiled kid who always let uncle take care of the messes he creates. But Jin Ling has impressed me and made me feel so bad for his character. He's just a teen, so of course he's going to act like a bit of a brat and be super emotional. But, him being emotional is explained and a little justified. Not just the trauma and the bullying explains and justifies it but so does the fact that he was practically raised by Jiang Cheng, the guy not well known for keeping his temper in check.

Jin Ling gets aggressive and easily on the defense because that's how he had to be his entire life. Emotionally defensive and physically defensive. He especially gets this way with Wei Wuxian, obviously because of what he's been told all his life. That Wei Wuxian is basically the root of all of his problems, he's the one that killed his parents, so he's the cause of all of his trauma right? (I have a separate rant for how I think Wei Wuxian is only half responsible for that).

But, as Jin Ling had an inkling of an idea that Mo Xuanyu was actually Wei Wuxian, he still interacted with him in a somewhat civil way, helping him and defending him, because he was never really hurt directly by him. After finding out that it really was Wei Wuxian, Jin Ling stabs him, as a way to get revenge? Feel justice?

And everything that unfolds after that, both Jin Ling and Jiang Cheng feel conflicted, they want to be mad at Wei Wuxian, they want to still believe that their anger, their grief, their feelings overall are justified, that the impression they've had of this man for years is what they really think. I mean, it's pretty hard to truly believe someone you thought of as a nasty, disgusting, manipulating, lying, malicious killer would actually be a responsible, caring, thoughtful, and very self-sacrificing individual. Of course Jiang Cheng knows all of that, but he can't just let go of the first hand experiences he's had with him all of his life.

Meanwhile, Jin Ling, he's so conflicted with how to feel because what he's been told all of his life is contrasting heavily with what he's personally experienced.

Also, the scene where Wen Ning is trying to see if Lan Sizhui is really Wen Yuan most likely made Jin Ling very cautious, aggressive, angry, and depressed because he was maybe jealous. Jealous that he can't have a nice, touching family reunion like how he did. Well, also because Wen Ning was also the direct cause of his father's death, but besides that, the scene probably felt like a huge slap in the face.

Jin Ling's family history isn't perfect, but he at least has two family members who are willing to protect him and keep him safe (I am of course including Wei Wuxian even though I know he isn't blood family or even considered Jiang Cheng's brother anymore).

I just wish him the best, I wish this kid can learn how to cope better with all of his trauma, that he can grow up to know the full truth about what had all went down.

When he broke down crying in front of everyone, all I wanted to do was jump into the screen and hug him, comfort him. This kid seriously needs a therapist.

[calliethetrekkie]

Star Trek TOS S01E07: Charlie X

Original Thoughts

"Charlie X, did have a nice take on how being The Nice Guy to a girl does NOT entitle you to a relationship, which since this was made in the 60’s is nice to see, and the ending did make me almost feel bad for the villain. Almost."

(Original Post)

Rewatch Thoughts

Not gonna lie, I hadn't really been looking forward to this one. I gave it a pretty middle rating (3.5/5) in the watchthrough... and for Heaven's sake, I couldn't remember why. I don't remember hating the episode, but I certainly couldn't remember much of anything worth liking, aside from Kirk telling Charlie that he's not entitled to a woman just because he likes them. I guess I was impressed to see a 60's show say that? IDK. I was thinking that I had been too generous, but did the rewatch change that?

The first thing that came to my mind when I first read the summary was an episode of The Twilight Zone titled It's A Good Life. I imagine that most have heard of it, but if you haven't, it's about a six-year-old kid with God-like powers who terrorizes his town into obeying him and always being happy. If you don't... well, it doesn't end well. Now mind you, Charlie is older and has a bit more of an excuse for why he acts like he does, but yeah... this is what happens when you let little Anthony Fremont reach adolescence. Speaking of The Twilight Zone, Shatner was actually the main character in the episode Nightmare at 20,000 Feet and BOY is that something... anyway, back on topic!

So like I said, I went in fully expecting to dislike it and give it a lower rating when I put it on the 10 scale over the 5 scale. But after watching it again? I think I realize why I gave it a generous rating. It's one of those episodes that is interesting to actually watch, but not one you actually think about until you go back to it. There is actually a lot of good material here, even a bit of continuity, and it's actually a bit more complex when you take later canon into account. So let's go ahead and break it down.

Let's start with Charlie Evans. He's a one-shot character, and actually characterized pretty well IMO. He's a seventeen-year-old who has been isolated from humans for most of his life and, as we find out, adopted by aliens who don't understand concepts like 'love'. He's awkward, temperamental, and doesn't understand social cues or customs, as you'd expect from a teenager and especially one who grew up as he did. It really sucks that they don't have a proper counselor in this episode, cause Charlie desperately needed one. That might have helped prevent his power trip... then again, with how unstable he was, he may not have gotten the help extensively enough to prevent it. Who knows?

It's easy to pity the kid at first. He doesn't seem bad, just very troubled and out of place. Even ignoring his circumstances, that's normal for a teenager. But of course, most teenagers don't have realty warping powers like he does. As such, the more the episode goes on, the more Charlie starts to lose it. He's confused and frustrated without any coping skills to help him, so he resorts to using his powers to get his way. Someone laughs at him? He makes them disappear. He's worried that the crew can hurt him? The phasers vanish. He doesn't like a Yeoman because he likes Rand? Now she's a lizard. Why? Because that's all he knows to do, so that's what he defaults to.

You pity him at first, but that can only go so far. He starts to go on a power trip that only gets worst when Rand rejects his 'gentle' advances. This coming after she tried several times to explain to him that she isn't interested nicely. Honestly, you ever think about how Rand's time on the Enterprise REALLY sucked? First there was The Enemy Within, an event that she outright references to Kirk when telling him that she may be driven to hurt Charlie if he doesn't stop. That's noticeably when Kirk starts to take her concerns a bit more seriously... not as much as he should have IMO considering that that last time was him, but it's still worth noting. As I was saying though, combined all that with later episodes like Miri and... yeah as much as it sucks her being dropped, if she left the Enterprise I do NOT blame her. She really deserved a LOT better, but that's a rant for another day.

After Rand stands her ground, even turning the intercom on so that she could have help and being forced to get physical, Charlie is so angry he makes her vanish. But of course it's her fault. He loved her, he was nice and gentle with her, but she still rejected him. Unlike The Enemy Within where they mishandled this subject horribly, this episode actually makes it clear that this is NOT okay. You're not entitled to someone just because you like them, and just being nice doesn't mean you are owed their love either. In fact, it's after he gets rid of Rand that Charlie becomes fully unstable and whatever sympathy you had for the kid goes right out the window even within the episode itself. For a 60's show that just had one of their worst treatments of a female character two episodes ago, this is very much welcome to see.

At the end when Charlie's about to kill Kirk however, the Thasian's return. That's when you feel at least a pinch of pity again. Whatever life with them was life, Charlie is terrified of it and wants to stay on the Enterprise. That's right, he resorts to begging the people he tormented, including Rand when she's restored, to help him. Kirk, being a good guy at the end of the day, even tries to reason to make that happen... but it does nothing. We saw how Charlie reacted, and chances are all it would take is one person making him upset in a human colony to cause who knows what to happen. You feel bad for the terrified teenager as he begs and pleads to not go back, but at the same time he brought all of it onto himself, so it's hard to feel anything more than just pity. Could he have been better if given the time and care? Maybe, but maybe not. I think that the utterly haunting ending where everyone is just stunned says it all.

Then we go to Kirk. This episode is a LOT more fun to look at if you've seen the films and know that Kirk actually does have a son that he's never seen, let alone been involved in raising. It's also hilarious how McCoy, who actually has a kid that as far as we know he was involved in raising up to a point, passes the job onto Kirk, half cause he was freaked out by Charlie and half probably because he plain doesn't want to do it. But for Kirk, that makes it all the more awkward, cause Heaven knows that he has no idea what he's doing. Like I said, he doesn't handle guiding Charlie particularly well, though he is at least trying. Like when he tries to give Charlie The Talk and is clearly dreading every single second of it, even telling him to talk to McCoy for the ugh... biological parts of it? That is underrated comedy at it's finest XD

Like I said, Kirk at least tries to help the kid. He himself didn't exactly have the most normal childhood, especially if you take Tarsus IV into account. He can probably understand Charlie's confusion and frustration, at least to an extent. Enough that he does legitimately try to help the kid. He tries to give him advice. He tries to teach him some self-defense... which probably wasn't the best route but still. He's perfectly affable to the kid until he starts harming his crew, and even then only throws any sense of reason out the window when Charlie electrocutes Uhura and forces Spock into talking gibberish. Hell at the end, when Charlie is practically begging for his life, he has every reason to just let the Thasians take him away without any fuss. But Kirk still tries to convince them to let him stay because of how terrified the kid is. It doesn't work and Kirk acquiesces in the end, but it still shows that despite everything, he was still willing to try and help what he saw as a very troubled teenager.

Kirk is the type of character who may not always know what he's doing, but he'll try nonetheless. He doesn't want to be any sort of father figure. He already has his plate filled enough as the captain and add that to the whole situation regarding his own son and Carol, it probably makes him uncomfortable. But since Charlie at first looks up to him, he sucks it up and tries to help, especially once Rand brings up her concerns. But really, as I said, what Charlie needed was a counselor. Ironically, McCoy may have been the most qualified in this scenario, but again he ain't having any of it XD But it's nice to see this side of Kirk. He's less of a Captain and more reluctant parent until Charlie endangers his crew and thus Captain Mode is activated. It just lets us see a bit more of an awkward yet genuine side to him that we haven't had to this point, and I appreciate it.

There's also a lot of nice little moments. Spock and McCoy acting like an old married couple, with Kirk utterly sick of it. Uhura and Spock's little concert. Seriously, I kind of like how Spock was a bit more expressive in the early episodes, wish we'd gotten more scenes like that. As I said, Kirk's utter dread and awkwardness giving Charlie The Talk is freakin' comedy gold. It's overall a good episode. IDK why I made myself dread it so much going in. It's not a top-tier episode by any means, and it isn't one that I would put on regularly. But overall, it's fine. It has good moments and has some awkwardness, but nothing to drag it down. I guess I just needed to look at it again to remember why I gave my initial rating, haha.

Original Rating: 3.5/5

Rewatch Rating: 6/10

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[asktheforgottenballerina]

Friendship [I couldn't think of a better title] | Hello Puppets and Hello Puppets: Midnight Show

A/N: tagging @graceandtheidiotsquad and @youreternallover but anyone can read }:). Basically my take on an episode of Mortimer's Handeemen.

Warnings: arguments, but that's basically it I think.

[The Mortimer's Handeemen theme song plays.]

[For the opening scene, we see a woman with messy, black hair and brown eyes. She wears a red sweater, casual leggings, and a black jacket, open. She seems to notice the viewers' presence, addressing us as if we were actually there.]

OLIVIA GUBBERSON: Oh, I almost didn't see you there!

[She chuckles, pulling on the neck of her sweater.]

OLIVIA GUBBERSON: Today we're going to be learning all about friendshi-

[Suddenly, a crash and a yell is heard from the other room. Olivia's expression suddenly changes to one of concern.]

OLIVIA GUBBERSON: Oh no...I'd better go and check that out.

[OLIVIA walks into the other room, to see her younger brother OWEN GUBBERSON holding RILEY RUCKUS back as she seems to still be attempting to lunge at NICK NACK. BELLA THE BALLERINA and DAISY DANGER are helping him attempt to break it up.]

OLIVIA GUBBERSON: What On Earth Is Going On Here?

OWEN GUBBERSON: ...I have this under control, Liv!

[he says, while clearly not having this under control]

[strangely, the puppets seem to be...moving on their own, almost? Neither of the humans question this.]

NICK NACK: You - You stupid wench! You wouldn't appreciate good art if it hit you with a wrench!

[RILEY RUCKUS manages to break free from OWEN and punches NICK NACK in the face. OLIVIA facepalms.]

[Once again music starts to play. Cue a musical number!]

OLIVIA GUBBERSON: So you've gone and called someone stupid-

BELLA THE BALLERINA: And in response, they damaged your eye-

[She gestures to her eye.]

BELLA THE BALLERINA: But here is where the conflict must end, lest you both end up blind.

OLIVIA GUBBERSON:

Sometimes the problems at play Are not all plain to see So we lash out at our loved ones Disregarding our bond sanctity

DAISY DANGER:

There are several sides To us that may seem abstract at first Until we discover where everything fits, and People can be like a half-missing puzzle set; As we find the pieces Things make more and more sense!

OWEN GUBBERSON: Nice Imagery, but I'm not sure I follow.

DAISY DANGER: Well, hon, I'll give you an example!

I had this problem where I'd Often hide my less-than-awesome feelings So when I would feel like sobbing, I'd just smile and crack jokes! I thought that that was coping, only joking Never showing sadness Hoping it would go away!

RILEY RUCKUS: Did that work?

DAISY DANGER: Nope! I felt bad!

NICK NACK: Aw, Daisy...

DAISY DANGER: It's okay!

OWEN GUBBERSON: How's that?

DAISY DANGER:

Everybody gets sad Even when you have people to care for And therefore You don't have to hide your pain Life without rainy days Is incomplete

RILEY RUCKUS: Or impossible, really. Rain goes to plants, plants feed animals, plant-eating animals feed animal-eating animals and humans feed animals corn and inject them with hormones until they can barely walk anymore!

OLIVIA GUBBERSON: Riley? How does all that relate to rain?

DAISY DANGER: Putting it simply, rain is a necessary piece of the puzzle that is life!

RILEY RUCKUS: So true. Are we done singing or is this just one of those musical interludes?

BELLA THE BALLERINA: On the subject of storm clouds... 'Cause, you know. You need. Storm clouds to make. Rain I'm just gonna get into it...

You once knew me as real gloomy This weird spooky, broody gal 'Cause I knew you'd listen to me As too scary to ignore I thought that I could take it All the hate could just be shaken But when you lo— care for someone! Not much hurts more than their scorn I also felt bad

NICK NACK: Come, now...

BELLA THE BALLERINA: In a different way!

OLIVIA GUBBERSON: Different how?

BELLA THE BALLERINA: By bad, I mean, well, bad, I did what I thought that I had to, which is bad too! I don't have to act all tough sometimes love is enough...

DAISY DANGER: Or what we need!

RILEY RUCKUS:

That was a quaint little review Of things that we already knew Now, can our discourse resume? There's pressing matters at hand

OWEN GUBBERSON: Actually, that was for your benefit.

RILEY RUCKUS: I don't see how that could be relevant.

DAISY DANGER: Riley, please!

OWEN GUBBERSON: Our goals benevolent!

RILEY RUCKUS: You know me, I don't care for sentiment.

NICK NACK: OMG!

OWEN GUBBERSON & RILEY RUCKUS:

This serves as a testament To the fact-

RILEY RUCKUS: That to me, you're negligent-

OWEN GUBBERSON: [at the same time as Riley] that you have a temperament!-

BOTH:

Which is FINE!

RILEY RUCKUS: It just works to your detriment-

OWEN GUBBERSON: you just haven't accepted it-

BOTH:

You not letting me finish is proving my-/if you let me finish they'd get to the-

BELLA THE BALLERINA: HEY!

[the two snap their attention in her direction]

BELLA THE BALLERINA: You're lost!

RILEY RUCKUS: I'm right here...

BELLA THE BALLERINA: It's okay!

RILEY RUCKUS: You're acting weird...

BELLA THE BALLERINA: I was lost once too, but thanks to all of you life sucks less now!

ALL: We're your best pals!

BELLA THE BALLERINA: No one wants to be a joke...

ALL: But a life free of jokes is incomplete!

NICK NACK: Guys do you mind if I contribute to this weird, vent-ey song?

OLIVIA GUBBERSON: Please, do!

NICK NACK:

I've got an issue That feels new-school; I don't wanna say I'm too cool But I'm just too fab for you fools And I feel like you don't get me!

OWEN GUBBERSON: You've insulted us while venting!

NICK NACK: ...Sorry!

OLIVIA GUBBERSON: It's alright, Nick, honestly it didn't hurt me, it's clear you're the one who's hurting.

NICK NACK: Huh?

BELLA THE BALLERINA: You feel low!

NICK NACK: That's not true!

DAISY DANGER: It's Okay!

NICK NACK: Don't Assume!

OWEN GUBBERSON: You don't have to save face!

BELLA THE BALLERINA: In almost any case we embrace you!

NICK NACK: [sarcastic] that's rich!

DAISY DANGER: No one hates you!

ALL: Everybody's got flaws!

DAISY DANGER: But with no you at all, we're incomplete!

OLIVIA GUBBERSON:

There! Now you see! Everybody goes wrong And we put it in song So it's easier To hear it!

OWEN GUBBERSON:

This puzzle's tough I'll admit But in time We'll find where everything fits!

[musical number end.]

OLIVIA GUBBERSON: So, do you too have something to say to each other?

NICK NACK: [heavy, dramatic sigh] I'm sorry I called you stupid. And a wench.

RILEY RUCKUS: [muttering, annoyed] sorry I hit you.

OLIVIA GUBBERSON: Well, I'm glad we got that one sorted out.

OWEN GUBBERSON: I could've handled it.

OLIVIA GUBBERSON: Of course you could, little brother.

OWEN GUBBERSON: Hey! You're only 12 minutes older than me.

[Olivia only chuckles and turns to the audience again.]

OLIVIA GUBBERSON: See you all next time!

[Once again, the theme song plays.]

[quietwingsinthesky]

does/did Even ever get to meet Rose????

yes, actually! Even’s original stay on the TARDIS with lasts from just a little bit after Voyage of the Damned (with one-on-one companion time with the doctor until they pick up donna) to Journey’s End, and that’s when they meet Rose. They don’t really get to bond with her until the AU elements I’m throwing in kick in at the end of that episode, that Tentoo chooses not to leave Donna alone in her amnesia and is just time lord enough to fobwatch himself to join her (and since he’s inserted as a part of her life as her friend, john smith, he doesn’t end up triggering her memories.) rose, given the choice between the other dimension alone again or a version of the doctor who is a stranger who she loves, chooses tentoo and donna. and even goes with them. because that’s what they think the doctor would want them to do, what he’s always been trying to teach them to do, to be willing to give up what makes them happy to take care of people they love.

(you know, i don’t think he thought even would leave. he lets them go. he has to. but i don’t think he considered it could happen. and i think that’s why he never visits them in the months between.)

between journey’s end and end of time, even lives with rose and tentoo.

(which. i think i implied it in that one fic but if not i’ll outright say that it’s because even. can’t get a job. and subsequently, can’t even begin to save to get their own place, whatever fake identity papers they were supplied by UNIT or other. because Spaceship Origin Reasons™️. and on top of that, that they’re also just. autistic. and so much worse at coping with this society they’ve been tossed into than they were with living on the tardis, where for a good bit the only other person they were around most of the time was also neurodivergent and accommodated them in ways they did not notice until those things disappeared.)

anyway. point is that even lives with them. the not-doctor and the girl they know all the doctor’s stories about. and they are so human. they are real in ways that they have never been before, and this does nothing to lessen even’s crush on rose or soften their loyal affection to tentoo that extends from their friendship with the doctor. the fact that even and rose have to share this secret from tentoo and donna only ties them closer. (in. ways that are probably less than healthy. like they would have been more. Normal. about it. but if even had stayed with rose instead of ended up with the master in that whole mess, that could have been the place their codependent tendencies latched onto. especially if they’d gone on with rose to join torchwood and been stuck in this AU’s version of Children of Earth with her.)

Rose teaches Even to bleach their hair proper, though they liked the pinkish-red they had already and plan to go back to that when the blonde she helps them achieve grows out again. (they. don’t get that chance.) Even is the person Rose can most easily reach out to to talk about the Doctor, with every emotion she’s been left with, anger at having come all this way just to lose him again, guilt at that anger when Tentoo is here and she loves him but he’s not the doctor except in all the ways he is and it hurts, plans for how when he visits (they never say if) that they’ll finagle a trip or two out of him on the TARDIS and confront him for taking so long to show up. Rose doesn’t know what to do when Even has meltdowns. Even doesn’t know how to comfort her when she cries about the fact that she chose this and will probably never see her mother or her other universe dad again or her half(?)-brother grow up. They watch bad movies together and try to plan for a future they didn’t expect would look like this.

And then Even has the bright idea to find a way to fix Donna’s amnesia without killing her. Which goes nowhere until they decide, hey, if one time lord couldn’t fix it, you know what’s a great idea? get involved somehow in getting the other one. the dead-but-not-anymore one.

(even voice) im only not telling rose about this because i want it to be a surprise when it definitely goes well and NOT because i know im doing something wrong that would upset her and she’d make me stop.

which. obviously. ends up with even getting scooped up into gallifrey with the master. and wilf having to tell rose what happened, all of it, much later. and her knowing that the entire time she, tentoo, and donna hang up missing posters for even that will never go anywhere. wondering if this is how mickey felt when he knew she wasn’t dead but that she might never come back, lost in time and space with the doctor and he couldn’t tell a soul. she hangs up more missing posters. even doesn’t come home.

so, yeah, they met.

[anythingbutmynamebro]

Thoughts about our boy Tech

I don’t normally post on tumblr but my mind has been in a total chaos and I need to put my thoughts into words, or at least try. I’m sorry if it’s all over the place. And probably pretty long.

This is day 4 of coping with Tech’s supposed death. I can’t for one second believe that he is actually gone, and I don’t think it’s just denial.

We saw times and times again that Tech is one hell of a soldier, not only when it comes to his exceptional mind but also in many other areas, I mean this man can withstand a broken femur and keep fighting no problem.

He is able to adapt to situations, he’s resourceful, he has everything calculated and well thought out. Don’t tell me that Tech didn’t have a plan already in his head the second he shot that railcar and started to fall. Also the fact that we see him turn around, I would assume that he’d keep falling facing up. I actually watched an Arcane episode today where a kid fell down and at no point did he turn to face the ground. That tells me that Tech did that deliberately because he had a plan to at least try to get out of there alive.

Then I have to mention the obvious, this is Star Wars, people have survived worse. Also, no body, no death. I just feel like this doesn’t do him justice. You want to tell us that he can fight when he’s badly hurt, he can win a race he has never participated in before, he’s unbelievably intelligent but then he just accepts his fate and falls to death without putting up a fight? That’s not the Tech we know. Add the fact that we don’t see what’s underneath the clouds, we don’t see him hit the ground.

Then the scene with Hemlock where he throws Hunter Tech’s goggles. They had no blood or stains on them. I know this is an animated show but we saw blood in episode 12, and seeing Hemlock with the goggles of someone who we maybe saw die moments ago is pretty grim in and of itself for a show like that. If it’s a tactic to manipulate them, then that’s bad but it’s Hemlock we’re talking about. But if this is the writers actually throwing Tech’s goggles to our faces while he’s actually dead, that to me is just beyond cruel.

And let’s not forget Tech’s development this season. So many people have fallen in love with him if they weren’t already. Was that just a way to get a super emotional reaction from the fans? Because if that’s the case, that feels like a betrayal. They showed us how incredible he is, he represents a community of people and then they rip him away?

I just feel like there’s so many details that point to him being able to make it out alive. If despite all of that it turns out that he actually didn’t survive, it’ll be such a waste of his character and it will make me genuinely angry. His sacrifice didn’t help whatsoever, unlike for example Kanan’s. The Empire still got Omega, Crosshair is still unconscious on Mount Tantiss, it literally solved nothing. And the way I see it, if they wanted to really kill him off, he deserved something..just better. A death we’re not left wondering about, a death that doesn’t undermine how capable he is..because let’s face it, if anyone can survive this kind of fall, it’s Tech. Also, remember that racing episode where Wrecker said he thought he was a goner and Omega was surprised he won and Tech said “You sound surprised”? This just looks like another situation that seems lost but isn’t.

I’m just sad, I still cry to this day. If we at least knew that he was dead and that was it you know..we would mourn like we all are but we could eventually move on. This way we will keep our hopes up until someone officialy says that he’s gone or until season 3 comes out and it will be somehow discussed there. For me the bad batch was, like for many others, my comfort show with Crosshair and Tech being my absolute favorite characters in Star Wars but this season’s finale just left such a hole in my heart..it hurts. But I know I’m not alone in this.

I will keep on hoping that we’ll see Tech again, and I don’t care if people say that he should stay dead. No, he shouldn’t. He can’t..

[daydreamerfox]

Mᴇᴇᴛ ᴛʜᴇ OC: Aɪᴋᴏ

I'll add a few facts about Aiko below the cut, I'll try to keep things short, but I usually end up rambling about things

TW: mentions of blood, murder and alcohol use

Aiko's a moody person, gets irritated easily, can be possessive, very insecure and paranoid at times

She struggles to understand what's right and wrong, she can't go out without carrying a knife with her in her purse (she gets very ancious being outside without it).

Specially when talking to someone new she has a very hard time letting hef guard down. She doesn't trust people easily and more likely than not she will be rude to the person, even if she does try to keep her appearances as a good person (mostly to her neighbors and family).

She needs money and she'll do literally anything she can to get it, from babysitting, to walking dogs to sex work and murder. She usually do odd jobs all the time, since she never managed to hold a job for too long.

Aiko had a twin sister called Ayako (Aya, for short) and a little brother called Angelo.

They lost their parents when the twins were 3 and Angelo was only 6 months old. They lived with their aunt Bianca for some time before being sent to foster care. They kept being sent back and forth between different institutions, mostly because of how much trouble Aiko would get into and, since Aiko was so attached to her siblings it would be ideal if they all were adopted together. That didn't work, though and the institution found a family for Angelo when he was 7. The twins weren't so lucky, though.

Aiko isn't a healthy person to be around. She's not trust worthy and will lie to you and use you for her own benefit. Though, truth be told she also struggles to trust people herself, sometimes even if she's close to them.

She wants to be spoiled and she doesn't care what she needs to do to get the life she wants. She doesn't mind getting in relationships to get someone to give her nice things (Yes, she would love to be a sugar baby).

If she gets too anxious about something, she'll probably try to drown those feelings down with alcohol, this woman have a very big problem with that, actually, which usually doesn't work or make her do stupid things while drunk. If that fails to ease her worries, or calm her down in any way, though, she'll most likely become episodic. At this state she becomes very aggressive, doesn't really think straight and might hurt anyone who approaches her or tries to stop her, be it someone she cares about or not. Depending on the reason that triggered her episode she might go after the thing (or person) who made her feel like that to "get rid of the problem".

She's fascinated with blood. Ever since she was a kid her brain always saw it as red paint (Due to traumatic situations, that was some way her infant brain found to cope with what she witnessed) and she does go out to "hunt" people and paing usually walls with her vitim's blood (what she paints can vary, though). Aiko usually paints roses and other plants or some other images, depending on how she's feeling. If she's having a really bad episode, though, she doesn't get to relax enough to paint, she sometimes just go after another vitim, usually getting herself in an even bigger trouble.

Aiko doesn't see what she does as something wrong and she doesn't feel guilty about it at all, since she doesn't know any of the people she hunts or even, when she does know, they're probably someone she hates or who have hurt here (if she's not having an episode), her words about it are: "If people are allowed to hunt animals for fun, why can't I hunt humans?"

She is aware that she can go to jail because of it if she gets caught, that's why she keeps it a secret from her family and anyone she meets, unless she trusts this person completely (and know they wouldn't have a problem with that), but she doesn't see that as something wrong, hence why she doesn't really feel guilty about it.

She is very loyal to those who manage to get to her inner circle of friends and she'll protect them as much as she can, even though she struggles a lot with empathy.

She has abandonment issues and is terrified of being alone (for the rest of her life, she does need alone time most of the time, but she needs to know she can count on someone), even though she hates being around people she doesn't known (mostly because she feels unsafe)

She is an attention whore and will do anything in her power to get the attention she wants.

At 18 she got released from the foster care, got a house to live at and adopted a black kitten, naming him Carbon who lives with her ever since.

Around the same time she has met a friend called Hiraliths (Or, how she usually calls him, Demro) who eventually started being more and more part of her life