#and thats on CRAZY social anxiety

[cannibalzdemise]

finally finding a good pesterchum site

getting so scared i left INSTANTLY

[carpathiians]

sketches

ref

[mumintroll]

so desperate im applying to lush. even if they miraculously invited me to interview they wld immediately clock me as an autistic socially anxious weirdo i cld never work there

[theygender]

This has been on my mind for weeks and I talked to my therapist about it today and told my girlfriend about it too so now it's time for me to update the gay people in my phone: I may have schizotypal personality disorder

[lunarsapphism]

there really is something so devastating about having a parent that has a literal degree in psychology (specialized in child psychology) who worked as a birth to three child developmental resources coordinator for like fourteen years and knowing that because of those things, they will never believe you when you think you have something because they think they know more than you and also know you better than you know yourself. and in any scenario the only way they will EVER agree with you is if they came up with the idea of the diagnosis first. wild shit honestly

[prefext]

whovevrs in control of my fate please give me the strength and sense of mind to figure out how to put totgether my presentation by the day its due for review

[florida3exclamationpoints]

.

[moongoopy]

no way out

cont: reader has lost about everything so why not lose themselves too?

c/w: reader has anxiety and depression, dubcon, reader getting kidnapped, yandere characters, reader is an artist, death (not reader or the duo), dark content, family problems, blood, reader constantly relapses from self harm, manipulation, harassment (not from duo)

a/n: damn thats crazy. funny how i end it almost the same like my other scenario lolololol, reqs open!

c: geto x reader x gojo

it was the last year of college and it was like you slaved away at your school work that it was numbing to even do your hobbies.

the light in you was dying that your heart should've stopped years ago.

no parties can save you.

you threw away the invitation for the college party, everything was blur to you. too much responsibility on your shoulders and no shoulder to cry on, your roommate no less too busy with his own life to go fuck himself over some girl he broke up with and you slip away everytime you were close to talking to him. he wouldn't listen anyways, head too busy in the clouds as he loses himself again.

the miscalls from your family didn't bother you anymore, it was aggravating to text them back everytime they remembered you so you pretend such a nuisance doesn't exist until it's too late.

"atleast pretend to care"

you told yourself in the mirror, eye twitching from your toothbrush that fall at your feet when your hand collided with the sink. you were worse for wear, eyebags getting darker as you thumbed through social media and letting a few minutes pass before picking up the brush.

instead of calling back, you left a long line of texts with another brand new line of excuses to shut them up with a bunch of emojis for some normalcy. you cleaned up the brush before applying another line of toothpaste onto it and slumped, remembering how money was also running low. thankfully, you didn't share money with your roommate or anything but inflation was upon us.

no way you wanted to ask from your family. they fared well but it was like a hit list on how much you'd ask them and that when you get back home, they'll use it against you and scream in your face while you're strung up limbly like a doll by not responding at all. a response is asking for a fight, no response is to defuse their thoughts by letting them pile ontop of you until they move onto another thing to complain about.

you nearly choke at the taste of blood and pulled away from your toothbrush, red coated your tongue and the gums of your teeth before they quickly get washed off including your grimy face.

another shower may do you good before you worry more about other things. should it be saving up more money or that you haven't come to work for two days now?

oh, this is killing you, why couldn't you just turn the cutter towards your neck? you'd sob so loudly when the blood on your thighs washes over and the cuts burn and twist your skin in and out that you desperately grabbed onto the shower walls. staring down at your scars that barely heal, you made sure to pick pants that wouldn't bother your battered skin. your mind lingers again, the pressure of the water against your head calmer than the caress of your mother's hand combing through your hair.

how did it went downhill in your life?

the folks here were seperated into systems of the typical tropes of college but you weren't treated that badly. there were stares and badmouthing but it never harmed you. so college wasn't the problem.

or maybe it was the relative that passed where you bawled so hard over? yet, you'd never really known them, having correlations towards your passion and attitude only. seemingly called a reflection of them by your other family members but the memory of said late relative lingers in your head sometimes like the wax that's left after the flames took it out but it can only be reshaped if you want to.

but you never pried into the past of that relative so it couldn't be.

you lost yourself way before the impending family problems and countless homeworks you had that the addicting press off the cutter felt more like home than home ever was.

no, dont go back there, it wont help.

drying yourself off, you decided you should atleast take the night shift. clothes tossed on, you couldn't slump around this time. you had something due in a week so maybe work was better to focus on at the moment. passing your roommate's room, you nearly stumbled out the door. night was fast aporoaching this time, it made you ill. the sun or the moon was something you could tell apart from the slow days that passed, without it was living like you're dying.

you took the shortcut, a creepy alleyway but if you were quick; you didn't have to deal with any drunkards and steadily walked. you clutched your earphones in your hand as you tried to listem for any noise that can ruin the night and jumped back to somebody that reached out for you.

"hey there..!"

the man drawled, oh god.

he was drunk or rather high with how hard he was clutching something in his hands but nonetheless it creeped you out, you walked hurriedly away from him.

it was amazing on how stupidly quick he was. his eyes were rolling to the back of his head and drool smearing his lips as he pursues you. your sling bag slipped from your arm which was held tight incase you needed to hit him.

the road down was getting slippery just a bit near to the cornerstore where you worked at, you could dissappear through the backdoor incase he gave chase. or was that a bad choice? he'd know where you work at if he remembered a part of you. thats why you didnt want to yell back incase he recognizes it if he scuttles into your work place and do god knows what there. not a lot of people were around at the hours you work at too.

tears spilled from your eyes, you always were the fearful type. thats why you havent died, just the thought of dying was perfect for you but never the action. you could die in this situation, what if he had a knife. you didnt want that. such an unflattering way to die by some weirdo whose name will be forgotteen after a few days of town talk.

you wanted to die but not this, no!

you swerved the corner and you heard the man gasp.. or choke?

you turned back immediately and another man was holding him by the throat, slamming him back on the graffitied wall with a dangerous glare towards the creep.

"get the fuck out of here!" was enough for the man to whimper and cry, running away back to the alleyway and his footsteps faded away slowly but if you just listen a little closer, he was really running for his life in his drunken stupor.

the stranger's fist was a bit bloody, you didnt know where he had hit himself, hell was that even his blood?

"shit, thank you.."

you exhaled sharply, you had held your breath so long eversince you had turned around. your heart beating so fast to what you thought was gonna happen if the creep caught up with you. this white haired stranger smiled widely, a bit too wide for almost beating up a man and walked towards you.

"you okay? theres been a lot more creeps lately. that must've shaken you up, do you need..?"

he opens his arms up to which you shifted akwardly, hand on your arm. should you? he saved your life and you haven't hugged anybody for a while. hell, you needed something to stop your panic and nearly fell right into his arms. he chuckled, rubbing your back in comfort as he fumbles with something in his bag in the other hand.

"where were you headed? i'll take you there. who know what other weirdos are out here."

you nodded slowly, feeling more at ease when both of his arms wrap around you. you wanted to stay in his chest for a while, scent so nice to inhale but you pulled away swiftly. wow, nearly caught yourself being the creep, this was revolting. you haven't felt affection in the longest time that some stranger's arms were what stabilize you, it was almost embarassing. you might as well ask him to bed you with how you nearly nuzzled into him.

you turned around and he slipped his fingers between yours which was a bit peculiar.

he laughed boyishly, putting his hands up defensively.

"sorry, its just instict. im worried about you!"

looking at him again, he was very pretty. such nice lashes fluttering at you as he utters his words and you shook your head almost mechanically. you dont get a lot of nice strangers like this often, it nearly made you feel too relaxed. it was fine, he probably goes through this with other people that walk alone at night and get disturbed by whatever.

"i'm kinda late now to my work.. but its fine, can you back me up?" he did a thumbs up before walking with you, finally turning the corner and seeing the signboard of the convenient shop lit up. you looked up at him, wanting to thank him again before one of his arms slip behind your waist and your vision becomes blurry.

a car drove past, stopping beside the two.

your limbs felt heavy and you started seeing black and he held you close.

"don't worry, i'll do more than back you up."

------------

this was warm. it felt too warm like a mother's womb. or was that a strange way to describe this feeling? maybe it was more thicker than the blankets you had back at your home or maybe it wasn't your blankets at all?

you woke up in a sweat, head aching with great pain as you let your eyes adjust to the dark.

what was going on?

why was the stranger that helped you was here? legs held to his chest as he watches a movie while another stranger combs through your hair and he was so close, you'd nearly scream. chains rattle and your feet feels so cold. you were so disoriented that whatever noise you managed out of you made the stranger from earlier made him whip his head back.

"it's okay, y/n. we'll explain."

he moved so quick that he was right next to you, gripping your chin so suddenly which made you back up. he held onto you by your clothes and it made the fabric stretch, these weren't your clothes either. just what the fuck was going on?! you screeched, tearing away from him and it made the other stranger hold onto the other's wrist.

"satoru, don't act like a hooligan. you're scaring them"

the one named 'satoru' backed off, chuckling and putting his hands up defensively like how he did before except the look in his eyes were so much more carnal than ever before.

"cmon, its natural to get excited to have your plan work out. on such a random night and way more early than your intended timing, suguru?"

it was like a challenge for 'suguru' to bite back but he couldn't care less and looked back at you. it was eerie. his eyes a swirl of purple and such an illusion had you staring back into them which gave him a chance to touch you even more where he adjusted your clothes and patting them back to how it originally look.

"how'd you feel, darling? i'll explain, we three go to same college, remember us?"

you only had to a bunch of people remembered in your head that anymore than that, you dont bother to remember but their names were farmiliar. people do talk about them all the time so would you shake your head or nod? nonetheless, satoru butts in and thumbs your lips.

"so? speak up, your voice's too pretty to just nod as a response~"

you pulled away, a rush of tears rolling down your face at the realisation of how messed up this situation was. two men in this cold room. you were kidnapped. you didn't know whether to scream or bite back when they started cooing and wiping at your tears. it felt so insulting when they talked like you weren't there, you wanted to quale with anger but your eyes snap back to the shackles on your feet. they notice that you knew, suguru shoves his finger onto satoru's lips before he said something else that could trigger you.

"well, sweetheart. i know all of this can be scary but none of this is to hurt you-"

"how the hell, what the hell do you mean by that? you kidnap me to just look at me, is that what you're telling me!?"

that came out in one breath that you paused, your sobbing stop a bit. this was bad. oh no, you weren't rational. well, you were never rational but in this situation with two strangers from college, they could easily chuck you in a body bag and call it a day. your sniffling gets louder when suguru pressed his thumb into your cheek and turned your head towards him.

his expression was almost indescribable. was he angry? was he amused? was he planning things? this was making you dizzy. they might talk about killing your right here right now too as they had no shame to cover up their plans of kidnapping you. but a small huff was let out from his lips as he held your face so tenderly.

"i know, this situation cam be scary but we've seen you around college. your artwork is just astounding and we wanted to go look for you, such an artist should hear our praise from us and yet you were nowhere to be found." satoru's brows quirked up when your eyes started gleaming a bit but blinking fast to try to hide some care into his words.

"when we found out how you've been so down in your mental issues, it saddens us. your teachers told us how you looked deeply affected by them. that you've been so lonely.." your chest starts heaving when he got so close to your face and your feet kicked the floor to slip away from him only for satoru to hold you from behind.

"we decided to keep you here as our little darling."

you blinked up, eyes twitching.

so they only saw you as entertainment that you were about to push them away from you and spit at them until satoru held your hand and kissed it, taking in your scent.

"sure, its the most foul thing to ever be called by us but we promise you're gonna enjoy it here!"

his arm slips from behind your neck and pulled you close to your chest, snickering when you tried to get away from him. his lips inch close to your ear and he whispers.

"we want to make you feel much better, away from everything you're experiencing and we want to talk about your passion too. wouldn't you like that? we'll provide it all for you. just say the word~"

your eyes nearly roll to the back of your head from the tears you squeezed out painfully. this had to be a joke. what was even going on anymore? your life had to be an absolute joke, you should've joined that one relative in death too.

but a life with them where your problems are almost nonexistent was just peaceful, did you died to get into this position. your crying had calmed down again. you looked up at them in worry, were they really telling the truth? a kiss was pressed softly on the forehead by suguru and his smile reached his eyes with such tenderness.

"you need time to process this, you can go back to sleep and think about it when you wake up.."

"orrrr enjoy your favourite!"

satoru popped open a bag from the restaurant you liked to go to but haven't in a while and the smell was just strong enough to taste it. your eyes linger to a pillow suguru held out for you and you'd nearly keel over. it was your pillow from your dorm and it made your head swirl in confusion.

just who are these two? why do they know so much when they heard you through passing? there was so much questions that they shut down with a kiss and slot their bodies right next to you.

but one thing was certain, you're not getting out of this soon.

[strrykais]

lie with you - not a date 📖

word count 1k.? (i lost track)

jisung was shitting bricks. he rarely has people come into his sanctuary, and much less girls. he has only had a total number of 3 girls in here. one his mom, two his ex and the last was you.

you made jisung really nervous, he fully couldn’t understand why. he kind of just pinned it on his social anxiety and went along his day. you were always so kind to him and you never really pushed him to do things that made him uncomfortable. in all honesty it started the day yall got stuck in the elevator. thats when the little feeling in his stomach started to form.

so with 7:30 creeping up on him, jisung is pacing the apartments living room trying to calm his beating heart.

“ji you okay? you look like you are gonna throw up.” donghyuck says walking out the smush room getting it ready for his one nighter.

“yeah im fine.” jisung quickly dismisses donghyuck wiping his sweaty hands on the front of his jeans.

“don’t be so nervous its just yn. you will be fine.” he says patting his hand on jisungs shoulder. “its almost 7:30 you should probably head down there.”

“yeah you are right. it will be fine!” jisung wasnt so convinced. grabbing his belongings, he ops to take the stairs to buy him some more time before he had to face the music.

the knock on the door doesn’t even catch you by surprise. jisung was always punctual, so when you opened the door the wind blowing the small pieces of your hair back, you give a bright smile to jisung on the other side.

“come in, let me grab my jacket. im not sure how cold you keep it in the studio!” you say with a big smile of excitement. you loved that jisung was letting you into his art life. you wanted to show him you cared so of course when he offered the opportunity to see his studio you couldnt say no.

the walk to jisung’s studio was quiet, but in a calming way. jisung was too focus on not making a fool of himself. he was worried he would say the wrong thing and have you running for the hills. but he knew you would never especially when you basically watched him embarrass himself in the elevator last time.

you were more focus on your boyfriend, he hasn’t messaged you back since you told him you were helping out a friend. was he upset? mad at you? you weren’t sure why. you both could of been together tonight but when work calls he always answers. before you could go further into self doubt jisungs smooth voice pulls you out.

“im sorry were you saying something?” you asked. jisung gives you a small smile, pointing up at the skies the beautiful reds, pinks and blues mixing. “my favorite part of the day, its always been my favorite to paint.”

“crazy because this is my favorite time too. right before the stars come out.” jisung gives out a breathy laugh leading the both of you to what you assume is the studio.

it was a lot smaller than you envisioned it, in the corner sat a desk with scattered sketches and charcoal. on the other was an unfinished painting of a beautiful sunset.

“its cozy in here” you say breathing in the smell of the chemicals of the paint he had left out which now was hard as rock stuck to the palette.

you continued to walk around the studio jisung close behind. the last of the sun shinning through the large windows showing the outside world. you suddenly stop, causing jisung to slightly bump into you. he mumbles out a sorry but you didn’t hear him your eyes caught something.

“you haven’t used the paintbrushes i got you? they are nice you should use them!” you say reaching out to softly touch the bristles.

rubbing the back of his neck, jisung nervously laughs. “yeah i didnt want to ruin something like this. it was from you and i wanna treasure it.”

you smile at him “its a gift for you to use, if you really mess them up that bad ill just get you some new ones okay?”

“promise?” jisung helds out his pinky. you glance down at his much larger hand and wrapped your smaller pinky around his “promise.”

jisung smiled and lead you to the desk of unfinished charcoal drawing, “im working on shadowing with charcoal wanna be model” he says looking at you while you stare at the beautiful drawings he had laid around.

“yeah how do you want me.” you perked up ready to listen to whatever jisung said. ears turning red, he leads you to a stool and sits you down.

you guys hung out well past midnight chatting and playing around in his studio. he showed you the art in mastering charcoal drawings and on the way home you showed him the star constellations in the sky.

previous | masterlist | next

a/n : i was eating in the first half… maybe writing isnt for me. this was kinda bad….

tags : @onlyhyunjin

[neomustdiexo]

ive finally decided to do it,,,,, INTRO POST ATTACK!!!!!!!

My other socials can be found here!

if i had to describe myself I'd say that im pretty shy at first, but i adjust to your personality the more we interact/the more i get comfortable with you.

i also tend to avoid interacting first because of my anxiety. if you'd really like to interact for some reason, i wont mind. go on lol, go crazy.

my main interest is MCR but im also in other fandoms

i really like music! specifically: emoviolence, skramz/screamo, 2000s emo, pop punk, punk, goth (dark wave/post wave etc) grunge and metal (most subgenres)

i play guitar, bass, drums and ukulele! im an amateur at guitar and bass but I'd say im pretty mediocre with the rest!! (⁠ー⁠_⁠ー⁠゛⁠)

i would call myself an artist but i suffer from artblock literally all the time so thats why my page seriously lacks art posts lol :'))

tags:

drawings: #neomustdraw!

shitposting: #neomustdosmthidk

i wont bother with a DNI list, just dont be a fucking bigot/asshole for fucks sake

[quimichi]

@lucienbarkbark yeah cause i know you so fucking well to remember you gave me a FUCKING LIST OF CHARACTERS YOU'D FUCK FROM 1-50 TILL YOU SAID YOU WERE TO LAZY TO ADD MORE. And at the top 10 we're Zhongli and Wriothesley so :3

@ I love you, you're annoying. And it's the same for Zhongli

@ You IMMEDIATELY swooned over him cause....he's old. And handsome!

@ Treats you dinner, although he barely has money or even forgets it at home. He treats you a full meal. Almost daily too!

@ Walks you home cause hes a gentleman. And people can be weird ans creepy, he doesn't want his lil cute lover to be exposed to any danger.

@ knows that your social anxiety can be pretty bad, so he never forces you to go out. BUT he loves taking those long as walks with you throughout whole Liyue. Trust me, you will end up in Chenyu Vale somehow-

@ You are one he wants to share his memories with. And with you they're gonna be one hell of memories. You're a crazy bitch

@ would get you merch. Like recent obsession merch lol.

@ for some reason i don't have ANY idea what to put.

@ whenever he leaves for work, he leaves small notes for you to read. Such as: "Don't forget to bring the clothes in from the line" "I saw we were out of milk and fresh fruits, I will buy some once I finish work" and "Today you outshine even the sun with your glowing skin"

@ and if you ever leave notes behind for him, he'll answer them lol: "I went out, call me if there's a problem" - (Have fun my love, enjoy yourself)

@ nah cause thats cute

@ both of you take their time in the relationship. Wriothesley especially. It took him a long long while to ask you if you want to live with him in meropide

@ he would've understood your refusal but...You're alone, you don't really have to work and oh! You even get free food! Nah you were good

@ actually can and will handle your crazy ass with ease

@ oh and he does get a lil jealous with how you swoon for your 'husbands'. Cause how tf do you you have more stuff of them THAN FOR OR OF HIM???? nah disrespectful

@ but don't worry, he pays you for your merch anyways. Hes giving sugar daddy in disguise

@ LOVES LOVES LOVES when you decide to actually visit him and spend time with him in his office. He won't pay much attention cause...you're there, and you're pretty and so are your lips--

@ oh and if you ever need titties to suck on, take his ;) nah I'm not exposing you what?

[whovianshifts]

returning to shifting

although admittedly documented for only a few short weeks online, this time last august, i was obsessed with shifting. it was something i was thinking about it 24/7. i was so desperate to shift and i think this sideblog got to catch a small glimpse of, that desperation, that obsession, that intense pressure to shift . last year taught me loads about shifting, about spirituality and about myself but mostly that constantly thinking about something makes it 10x harder to accomplish in the end.

and so, with the acknowledgement that, in that sort of obsessive mindset, i would never shift, i decided to take a break. but, with exams, and university, and everything else, it became a year long break from shifting.

but now im back! and having had a year to reflect, here are some resolutions-

social media: constantly being bombarded with shifting content on my socials wasnt helpful *at all*. of course, it can undoubtedly be a useful tool but with all the different feelings, opinions, ultimately it detracts from the fact that shifting is a personal, spiritual journey and overcomplicated shifting too much. this time round, im taking a social media detox and looking into myself for answers to questions, rather than relying solely on shifttok/shiftblr (a bit ironic as im posting on here lol but anyways)

desired reality: i finally understand the issue with the phrase 'desired reality' because it really does set our drs on a hugeee pedestal! whilst i love doctor who, the immense fascination and awe i have for the universe didnt help with this. i constantly viewed it as an elevated realty, a reality so much better than my current one, that shifting felt unattainable. and thats why...

new dr: with a fresh perspective, i felt like i needed a fresh start with my dr and so i decided that i want to shift to the hunger games universe! and i just want to clarify that this is NOT a violent kill dr - i will not be participating in or have anything to do with the games. i simply want to explore the world as i am curious about the cultures, districts etc. i feel like, as it is a dystopian world as well, i honestly cannot place it on that same pedestal as doctor who. its a semi-realistic world, honestly not so different from ours. anyway, more about my new dr in another post!

belief: for the longest time, i naturally thought a lot of my doubt in shifting was to do with my beliefs. that, deep down, i didnt believe in it. but i dont think thats true. i believe in shifting. i just think that i mistake disbelief with feelings of doubt and shame i associate with believing in shifting. i dont know if that makes sense. what i mean is, shifting has an awful rep online. and sometimes, i think, rightly so. all the edits and povs honestly sort of make shifting a natural extension of stan culture, which, though harmless and innocent, makes it seem like crazy fan behaviour rather than a spiritual practice. and so, when i say i believe in shifting, some of those external opinions about shifting - where people make us feel crazy for our beliefs - make me feel ashamed. but im happy to say that im changing that; im starting to see shifting as a part of my spirituality - something that others may disrespect, but can never delegitimise. because we never do this for religions, so why shifting? why should other people, who have a biased perspective, be allowed to slander what i believe in.

finally, obsession: as i talked about at the beginning, the desperation and obsession to shift made the actual act so much more difficult. i constantly felt this pressure and anticipation before bed, finding myself always feeling a sort of performance anxiety (lol) and associating shifting with this. and so, this time round, im detaching from shifting. of course, its super exciting, its super cool. im allowing myself to feel that all, just in a healthy way. this is an *aspect* of my life but its not my *entire* life. i will shift. its a fact of inevitability now. its like sleeping, its a natural part of my life now so it will happen.

there are many more things that have changed, many things that arent perfect. but shifting doesnt have to be perfect. your mindset doesnt have to be perfect. there really arent any requirements for shifting, just an intention and a willingness to understand yourself which is pretty much the formula for doing anything else in life so,

to anyone who got this far,

happy shifting

tish x

[beesmygod]

do you mind talking about what made effexor so bad for you? also where can I read about this streamer fake death lol

all the stuff on thedarkid is on SA in the sagas thread lol. i would prefer not to post a link bc the quality of new posters is at an all time low on that website and i dont want to contribute to the problem.

AS FOR EFFEXOR: i am prefacing this with the fact that this is my personal experience as a result of my body chemistry. effexor might work for some people with different body chemistry. my suggestion would be to try everything else first before resorting to this one and to be ready to feel really, really bad when discontinuing it.

i got off effexor because the negatives of taking it finally outweighed the positives and the problem i had been taking it for was no longer relevant. this will make me sound ridiculous so keep in mind i took crazy meds for this exact problem, but after we bought and moved into the house, i started having nightly panic attacks and weeping fits over both the decadence of my new non-renter lifestyle (which was materially going to impact the quality of my work and how i viewed reality) and the fact that i had taken a really big step toward commitment without having resolved the source of my deep social anxiety. i could realize how i was behaving and reacting was not normal and until i could get a therapist to address it, i was going to have to put a bandaid on it.

effexor flattened my emotions and my affect lol. this is really, really good for when you cannot reach a baseline of normality. this became bad when that flatness turned into apathy and started sliding into my day to day life. doing basic household chores became a daily struggle. then i started not making my deadlines on time because i completely lost the will to draw, which actively began to terrify me. and then once i started struggling to bathe and brush my teeth i was like "okay. something is really really wrong". so then i started the process of getting off.

that's the broad overview. i did not realize the extent of the damage it was causing me until i started getting it out of my system:

my sleep schedule was destroyed bc it gave me terrible insomnia.

night sweats. NIGHT SWEATS.

theres been a rash on my face for over a year that ive thrown EVERYTHING at to try to get rid of, thinking it was anything from lupus to a yeast infection. it turns out its just caused by the pill. it goes away when theres less in my system o_o

my lip was also split for a year. my gums were covered in sores. and the inside of my nose felt like someone put a weed whacker in there and sliced it up. huge scabs. constantly in tiny flecks of pain. miserable but not unbearable, you know?

pussy felt like sandpaper.

i didnt even notice this until later but it also made me fail to derive pleasure from the touch of another person. but like i wanted to. if someone held me or squeezed my hand it felt almost painful. shit made no sense but you just think "this isnt how its supposed to feel? whats wrong with me?". but like that's over. it stopped. it feels good again.

food tasted bad. and i dont mean no flavor i mean BAD. i say this a lot but i cannot understate how fucked it made my palate. its normal again thank god. i have a bag of coffee that tastes different depending on when the last time i took a pill was. i spent the last year complaining about how bad processed food tastes now like all companies decided to make their product bad instead of something being wrong with me specifically. but when adam's cooking started to taste bad i was like "wait. what? thats not possible". lol thanks honey for helping me realize....

this one is really weird: it would cause specific parts of my body to feel stiff. the worst and most chronic part was the small of my lower back, which felt pulled taught so tight it was uncomfortable. then it spread to the fingers of my right hand, causing me to have to stop every few minutes and scrunch my fingers to try to alleviate it. this symptom only returns after i take a dose now. it makes me thrash like a fish trying to get comfortable at night

[mcytblr-archive]

Early MCYTblr Interviews: umbie

today's interviewee is umbie, who was a member of ebblr from march 2021 onwards. i would like to once again ask everyone to remain impartial and respectful-- this blog is a place for all MCYTblr history, which includes parts of the fandom that were more controversial. that said, let's begin!

Q: Since I realize not everyone knows-- would you mind explaining what exactly ebblr was, to the best of your ability?

A: Ebblr is an abbreviation for Enderbees Tumblr. It existed as a network of undiscoverable blogs where folks shipped and truthed beeduo romantically. It ebs truthing started at the beginning of 2021, late 2020 on plate's blog gayminecraftmen, who you did an interview with, then moved to jason's blog on mcytruth, and later decentralized into a collection of blogs rather than being headed by any one person. It also became a place to discuss mcyt shipping and truthing in general- we didn't ship minors with adults, but things like techza, techbur, benchtrio shipping. character or irl, we didn't discriminate. The core of it was ebs, though.

There was also stuff like neurodiversity and gender truthing. really anything thats gauche to talk about on main.

Q: What was your general experience in MCYTblr? What was your general experience in ebblr specifically?

A: Mcytblr was very... enveloping, is how i'd put it. Easily the strongest hyperfixation i've ever had. It was also pretty frustrating at times. 2021 ebs was the height of the /p era, when the characters were off getting minecraft-married and the outside fandom insisted on them being platonic. We felt crazy. Ebblr started from blogs like mcytruth and gayminecraftmen, but I think the reason it blossomed into its own independent community was because ebblr addressed a need that mainblr, at the time, did not. I think it's facinating how in hindsight the fandom has ever so slowly turned around on the romantic c!beeduo, and now it's just kinda normal.

Being in ebblr was rewarding and enriching, but also very anxiety-inducing. We had pretty strict rules around interaction- keep your blog invisible, no cishets (lol), no nsfw, no outside reblogs. It started about after the first blocklist as a way of avoiding harassment, but developed into a moral thing later on. We existed in a kind of grey area where we understood that what we were doing was weird, but we wanted to be as inobtrusive as possible. In the early days, i made an effort to follow everybody. The community was that close-knit. Whenever a member of Ebblr accidentally reblogged an ebblr post to their mainblog, i would hop onto an alt and message whoever I needed to clean up the leak so none of our posts escaped.

Q: In critblr and dreamlying, there was a culture of "doxxing", or otherwise finding personal information about creators. Was that also true for ebblr?

A: Nope! That's one of the primary differences between critblr, dreamlying, and Ebblr. One of our rules was to keep our posting limited to things the creators released on purpose. That didn't stop us from being invasive, though. We diligently kept records of our "proof." We would obsess over details, and considered anything said on social media, stream, or twitter space fair game, even if better judgment was that they're not things the content creators would want talked about. It wasn't a monolith. A lot of folks didn't truth at all, and only wanted a space to post art or fics of pairings that were unacceptable on main. I also tracked planes during the meetup times, but jury's still out on whether that constitutes doxxing. I also had enough sense not to post about it directly. While most of us were uncomfortable with outright doxxing and distanced ourselves from those who did, we sure could walk the line.

Q: You said in your initial messages that you coined the term "critblr". Could you elaborate on that?

A: Dlying existed before ebblr, but Critblr did not! Critblr started out as a subsect of ebblr.

Critblr was conceived of in a discord server i shared with a couple friends that joined at the same time as me! It was meant to exist as a solution to formalize a growing rift within ebblr. There were blogs that were more involved in things like discussing doxxes and criticizing content creators and mainblr/maintwt opinions, and there were folks who were exclusively interested in shipping and/or truthing. Ebblr was upset with negativity and complaining, and the blogs who would become critblr didn't care for the shipping. It started as a place where you could discuss things you couldn't discuss on main, but people's needs became different. I remember the poll to name it. I suggested and vouched for critblr. Since the server's been since deleted, you're unfortunately just gonna have to take my word for it, but i'm part of the reason it's not called truthblr and I'm proud of that.

Q: This has actually been really clarifying for me; I knew ebblr and critblr were similar and intertwined, but I didn't know the specifics! I suppose, knowing that, what are some things that you remember about critblr in specific?

A: i understood critblr as a sort of anti-mcytblr. whatever opinion was widespread and popular on main, critblr was the place where you could find someone with the opposite opinion. it was a haven of haters, trolls and gossips, and it was really fucking funny. they loved having rivals- back in the summer of 2021, they/we had a "war" with fltwt. (at least in terms of what jason was up to. i have no idea how its developed now.)

honestly a lot more of the ire of critblr was directed at mcyttwt than it was on the ground at mcytblr. (although in 2021 the boundary between critblr and ebblr was still pretty loose and even as an ebblr main i was aware of all this, i'll say critblr for ease of communication)

another note about eb-critblr. it was extremely white. some of the rhetoric bouncing around on critblr at the time was kind of in the vein of "arent these twitter kids so sensitive for being upset with schlatt"

i think i also want to make point about how a lot of the truthing was kinda unserious. sometimes people dont have clips or evidence or info sometimes truthing was just projecting onto a content creator and feeling it in your heart. The instinct to truth, i think, came from a place of wanting to relate to the streamers. See yourself in them, their relationships, and their mental struggles. still, It was soaked in irony- there was this sort of untouchable jester attitude, and the less seriously you took yourself, the better. I think people cared a lot, though, and that ended up being the problem. There was a lot of pressure to be certain, which is fascinating coming from a space built on speculating on incomplete info. im sure other people in ebblr had very different experiences than I.

Q: Would you mind explaining what fltwt was?

A: fltwt came into being in summer 2021, when ranboo got doxxed. jason mcytruth had already stopped caring about ebs by now, so most of his and his associate's energy went into researching, exposing, and clowning them.

you need to understand that they were like. an abberation to us. we had been doing good honest truthing and shipping in our private corner since the new years, and here these twitter chucklefucks were throwing doxxes around and using them to truth with. they were like our evil twin. we hated them so much.

[all names have been redacted for privacy]

the reason my url is glowfr0g in this is because i changed my url after this interaction, but i have screenshots with my url as umbie aswell. we were SERIOUS.

since beeduo stopped hanging out like a week into the summer because of the doxx, the truthing in the community diversified a lot. one of such truthings was Clemtruthing- or transfeminine tommy truthing. fltwt straight up stole this from us, screenshotting and circulating our posts, and now theyre more known for it than we were. the blog mentioned here, [REDACTED], deactivated over this.

i think at one point fltwt was doing a popularity tournament and mcytruth was entered in as a contestant? but what i did here was hardly the only example of eb-critblr butting heads with fltwt. the demographic was largely bored twitter ranboo fans. yknow the "im literally neurodivergent and a minor" meme? that was popularized because of THEM. also that text interaction is dated july 30 2021

fltwt was, partially private i think? but overall not well organized at all and a lot of people on there were attention seeking. i have no idea how much these subtwts were actually invested in ebblr or critblr, for all i know it was extremely one-sided

Q: Was it an interesting experience to be in a niche community that regularly experienced "containment breaches" and blocklists? How did that affect the community's growth?

A: I kinda appointed myself the manager of the containment breaches! I had a whole process. If a mainblr blog reblogged a post, i would contact them on my umbie blog. Since they reblogged it, they were probably a lurker and i could ask them directly to take it down. However, if any of the mainblr blog's mutuals reblogged a post, i would contact them on an alt instead from the perspective of a concerned bystander that just wanted you to know that you had accidentally reblogged one of those posts from those weird shippers. Worked every time. I took pride in it.

There were really only a few blocklists? The first blocklist, what most people would know ebblr from back in the early days, got ebblr so much attention that's how most of the folks within it found out about it (including myself.) There were one or two scares after that, but nothing serious. I only ever got on one, and that one wasn't shared publicly. We still made a big show about having everyone temporarily change urls though. We didn't really want to be well known. Anybody who knew about ebblr understood that it was for the best of both communities if people kept quiet.

Q: How did the "boundaries" discourse affect your community?

A: we danced around with boundaries. Back when we were making fun of main for platonic marriage, a lot of us were loud about the fact that neither of them had called it a platonic marriage until the fans started doing it. We weren't technically breaking any stated boundaries, but i think part of why we were so loud about it is because we knew on some level that it was a cope. When the boundaries were finally stated and the truth that we were being weird all along was unavoidable, it was fucking DEFCON 1. A lot of people left ebblr over it, and a lot of people were like "wait, you didn't know we were breaking boundaries?" The community had boundaries, but they were not the same boundaries as the content creators.

Q: Were you ever involved in any main MCYTblr events?

A: nope. we wanted nothing to do with main mcytblr. We stayed aware, though, and made fun of them whenever things went sour.

Q: Do you think being in ebblr was an overall positive or negative experience?

A: mixed. so mixed. so incredibly mixed. The anxiety of me or my friends getting exposed or discovered kept me up at night. I was constantly conflicted about whether or not i was doing the right thing while also reassuring people that we definitely were. Our proximity to the darkest parts of minecraft fandom means i've seen and learned things that I wish I hadn't. When Beeduo went no contact it was uh. It Was Bad. It Felt Bad. We Felt bad, and I felt partially responsible. it's hard to know if that's true.

At the same time, I've met some of my best friends on there, ones that I keep in contact with to this day! Being on ebblr taught me a lot of critical thinking- I now understand that twitter isnt right about everything always. Being known and liked as Umbie helped me safely built up a sense of identity there that has brought me into the best chapter of my life so far, and experimenting with pronouns was also really really nice. For all the late nights and callout posts and blocklists and moralism and bullshit, i think i will be chasing the high of the vindication that i got when ranboo came out on twitter for the rest of my life.

You can call us a lot of things, but you can't call us incorrect on that front, and as truthers go, that's kinda rare.

[umbie was kind enough to also send me the following image-- this is the "enderbees" flag, seen in the yellow/purple rainbow, as it appeared on Karl Jacobs's stream of 2022 r/place! You can also spot the L'manburg flag, the Snowchester flag, and one more I can't identify.]

[pigeonrocks]

finally, the guy ever.

mass lore under the cut bc I dont want to make 17 million posts about one guy, not organized. my insane ramblings about my guy

RIGHT!!!! Enoch lore! this is gonna be just a mash of things about him for convenience.

★ Enoch is entirely believed to be the sole werewolf left in Nosgoth, there haven't been any others found in a while. they're... just sorta gone?

his first appearance is in BO2, I think- where Kain meets him again, his former buddy! who was blood thirsty and full of insatiable frustration and so hot blooded is now trying to keep himself out of trouble due to initial overwhelming paranoia and anxiety, Kain spares him (that's his dog) and Enoch continues to help him in what ways he can, this is not the domino to his faulted loyalty- but where it starts to clearly had been stemming from, a sort of debt he needed to repay- which later itself manifests into his pride & loyalty to serving Kain.

★ Enoch himself has a bizarre ideology, genuinely. He believes the acts of vampires (specifically Kain) as righteous and what he does in their name as that same level of grandiose superiority with full acquiesce- not a complaint from him at ALL!!!! to kill in the name of Kain is to promote that beheld greatness of vampirism, the undying belief that what he's doing itself is correct- no matter the abhorred terrors and heinous acts hes doing.

★ The 'veil' is more based on the werewolf hcs I've had to come up with to explain both their disappearance (sarafan related) and why Enoch values hiding his face so much.

SO!!!! to explain, since Enoch withstood the werewolf related madness, he views it entirely as a shameful thing, being stuck as essentially a big dog and as what everyone else thinking of him as a monster, a thing that will kill their crops, their livestock and run a fool in their towns and deserves to be slaughtered- he cant stand being seen, by anyone- not even himself. It's shameful for him because of how he's the last, it's a permanent reminder of what cannot be- the heartache and sorrow that is a constant for him already.

★ alright, second appearances. He next shows up in SR1, wow crazy. uhm- specifically Raziel goes and finds him to seek out answers because Kain treated him as a confidant , surely he'd know about him being a sarafan right? turns out he does. he was advised (instructed, actually) to not tell any of the lieutenants, he had no play in their resurrection, just thought the fact (during the time) to be irrelevant because of how the two both mutually hated the sarafan.

Not a lot for soul reaver, since he doesn't show up that often, or really at all, bc hes not too important.

THATS DIFFERENT IN SR2 THOUGH!!! last of his appearances. bc of the time travel stuff where Raziel can meet Enoch at his peak, not some socially extinct guy in a catacomb. The feared general in Kain's empire, his beloved zealot- carrying out his beliefs bc he genuinely believes them with his whole heart & soul, believing in all the flaws and things that lead to Raziel killing him. little too overaggressive in his youth- no leash and muzzle. Hes reckless & crass- real tempered- said that before but it's real apparent with the younger version of him in sr2.

He wants to kill people!!!! He wants to exact revenge on anyone who crosses and wrongs his sire.

Alright, I think that covers everything. or at least all the important stuff! hooray!!!!

[k1rameki]

yippee its that time again, long hc post about dalia YAY ‼️‼️ i wouldve posted this last week but a bitch has been busy working on otha projects yo 🫡🫡 im hustling atm

also i am on an absolute ROLL with these rn because its fun to hc stuff for my favs (WHICH BTW IM ALSO WRITING UP MY HCS FOR ALDRYX SO STAY TUNED FOR THAT >:3)

@beans2cheese ik youre currently lookin forward to this >:3 thank you for being patient w me its much appreciated ^_^

first and foremost we gotta get the neurodivergency outta the way bc my autistic ass loves making all my favourite characters nd,, also shes got social anxiety and depression bc i have social anxiety and depression ion make the rules

also bigender she/him dalia bc im a she/him pronoun using bigender and i said so

ive spoken about my deaf dalia hc before (AND CROW HAS A SIMILAR HC WITH TABI THAT WE TALKED ABOUT TOGETHER ON DISCORD) but turning off her hearing aid whenever noise is too overwhelming or whenever she cant be bothered to deal with people's bs

CRAZY HIGH SPICE TOLERANCE. she and ayana are the kinda people who eat ghost peppers for fun and feel literally nothing at all

chronically late to every single outing with his friends. like tell him to get there in an hour and she will use that time to nap and get ready five minutes before shes supposed to be there

taller than ayana but not by much, boots on, dalia's 5'10/11, without em then he's 5'7

competitive as fuck and will rage at you for screwing her over in board games or video games, expect to hear a plethora of curse words in both english and spanish

generally speaking too dalia has an incredibly short temper (which im pretty sure is canon???) and literally anything can set him off

she and aldryx are sparring buddies you cannot convince me otherwise, hes the one teaching dalia all these nifty tricks and such ^_^ (also shes a kickboxing pro no questions asked)

once dalia tried b-boying to impress ayana and ended up in the hospital with a dislocated shoulder and a bruised ego

🔻: "babe????? are you okay 😭"

🎧: "psshh im fine the sigma grind never dies" (said dalia as she looked away cringing at herself for flopping that so hard)

and trust me, nobody was letting her live that down

has special nicknames for all her loved ones ^_^ they're either something really sweet and sentimental or incredibly fucking stupid

emoticon user!! over text dalia loves using those cute kaomojis (trust me thats not the energy she gives off around other people especially not her close friends)

has a lot of niche interests and will reference something that either nobody knows like AT all or that is something so embarrassingly unfunny that its painful to listen to

🎧: "damn this greedler fanart goes crazy"

📼: "the WHO NOW"

she has the WORST sense of humor ever. literally anything is making this mf laugh

when dalia and ayana first started dating she made an attempt to keep up this persona of just being incredibly suave and chillgoing but the moment aya kissed her for the first time dalia just fucking melted and turned into a complete dweeb right then and there (she looks back on it and is very embarrassed)

OH AND SPEAKING OF HER AND AYA,, café or shopping dates where they just get food and wander around town together not wanting the day to end, bonus if they stay out late and theres a light display going on outside (boy im boutta make ship hcs for them now hold awn im insane)