#and she is right doubt is a tough thing to sell people on

[captainsparklefingers]

How was that episode THAT stressful.

How does next week look EVEN MORE STRESSFUL. WHAT'S THE RED LIGHT. WHO WAS THAT. WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO THE PARTY.

WHAT IS HAPPENING.

[secretsandpurplethoughtss]

MCL Castiel: One Step into the Future

♥ pairing: Castiel x Candy (named Ella), Lysander x another Candy (named Crystal) - both female, using she/her pronouns

♥ wc: 6'768

♥ summary: Castiel's girlfriend is pregnant, and he is having a tough time with that because of his issues with his parents. He goes to Lysander's farm to reconnect with him (after growing apart when Lysander moved away) and hopes to sort out his issues with his former best friend. 

♥ warnings: mention of negelect, fall-out (friendship), mention of death (parents), unhealthy relationships w/ parents

There were three things Castiel Veilmont was sure about all his life:

He’d become a famous musician.

He didn’t necessarily need many people around him to enjoy his life.

He would never ever have children.

As time passed, Castiel knew he was right about all these things. His band was getting more beloved by the day, and he loved every minute of the rockstar lifestyle. If he continued playing his cards right – following his passion, creating music, and having fun, Castiel knew that one day, he and his bandmates would sell out entire stadiums. Right now, they were just playing at festivals and doing small tours across the country, but their fan base and the clicks on their music videos kept growing. His professional life and also his private life seemed to be going well. He didn’t have many people around him (he always suspected this would be the case). Still, those he held close to his heart not only inspired him to create more meaningful songs but also encouraged him to be the best version of himself, a version he never even thought he could ever be. Castiel, of course, often found himself thinking about Zackary, his old bandmate, once one of his best friends, but his betrayal didn’t hurt as much as it did in the beginning. He knew that he and his band “Crowstorm” were thriving and were definitely better off now than before with Zackary, even if he was thankful for all the things Zackary did for the band in the past. Surprisingly, there wasn’t much of a mourning period after Zackary left: Jules replaced him almost immediately. Castiel and Jules knew each other as teenagers but hadn’t been in contact for years. She heard all about the drama that was going on with Crowstorm at the time and how Zackary tried to get Castiel cancelled and kicked off the group – and so, Jules reached out to catch up and to show sympathy regarding his situation. The two of them met up for coffee and talked for hours. He ended up introducing Jules to his other bandmates that night (Gabin and Leopoldine), and they played music together. Jules was not only excellent but also a natural fit for the band. Maybe even more natural than Zackary once was. There was no doubt in Castiel’s mind that Zackary always gave his all, but Jules was more playful and curious, letting them sometimes just explore their ideas for hours, and was okay with not making any progress on songs and albums in the name of art. This freedom made them better musicians, made their new albums more exciting, and although they dreamt of getting big one day and were quite serious about doing so, with Jules, the feeling of “just a bunch of friends having fun while making music” was found once again.

Even Castiel’s girlfriend, Ella, seemed to notice the changes in Castiel’s demeanor whenever he came home from practice or writing sessions.

“I know that Zackary was a good friend for a long time, but… I love how you changed with him gone and Jules in the picture.” Ella told him one night as he sat at the counter, watching her “cook” their dinner.

“Am I really that different? Or are you just crushing on Jules? You know she has a girlfriend, right?” he joked lightheartedly about Ella’s “obsession” with Jules.

“Very funny. You know you should quit being a rockstar and become a comedian! Then I wouldn’t be the only one who had to hear your smart jokes.” She rolled her eyes but still smiled as she stirred whatever she was making in the pot. “You did really change, though. You’re less stressed, you come home smiling and with flowers… and you’re just so inspired all the time now!”

Castiel nodded thoughtfully, reflecting on the stark contrast in his demeanor. He vividly recalled the days of seething anger and overwhelming stress, moments when he contemplated abandoning everything - the band, the music. But since Zackary’s departure, those thoughts had ceased to haunt him.

“You know… The inspiring part is also thanks to you.” He got up and put his arm around Ella from behind. He knew he was lucky with her – even if she was absolutely horrendous in the kitchen, and he fought his “fight or flight reflex” every time he was forced to eat one of her home-cooked meals. Even with that in mind, Ella was everything he not only wanted in a partner, but also everything he needed.

Life became… easy at some point. Castiel was good at the whole “rockstar” thing, even parts he never imagined he would be – like all the photoshoots, interviews, and social media stuff he used to hate. He liked his privacy, sure, but he naturally became more outgoing, easy-going, and less angry as he kept getting older and enjoying the life he was building. Though he wished he could not post so much on his Instagram account and people wouldn’t try to take pictures of him wherever he went, he was getting used to it all. He enjoyed the predictable moments with Ella and his friends, but he liked the surprises and “adventures” his job had in store for him. But as he settled into his life, there was a “surprise” he never in a million years expected: Ella was pregnant.

She told him over Facetime while he was on tour with Crowstorm… In the beginning, she wanted to wait for him to come home and tell him in person, but she looked and sounded so stressed during their daily video call that Castiel kept asking and pushing her about why she was acting so strange. “I know we talked about having kids before, but… we never came to an actual conclusion. You were never the biggest fan of having kids, but we’ve grown and changed since we last had this conversation… so I guess I’m asking you where you’re at right now?” she asked him.

Whenever the conversation about having kids arose, he told Ella about his worries about being a good father and not having any idea what a good father was actually supposed to be like. Not to mention how busy he and Ella were all the time – he knew very well what it was like to be the child of two busy people, people who were married to their jobs, who put their passion above their family. Growing up, Castiel often wondered why his parents ever decided to have him, when it was always clear to them that they’d never be around. His father, Jean-Louis, was a pilot before he was a father, and his mother, Valerie, was a flight attendant before she was a mother. They barely spent any time at home, and up until the age of eight, his grandmother looked after him, always coming around and cooking meals and helping him with his homework. Then she died, and Castiel was left alone, growing very independent but also always finding himself in uncomfortable situations, making excuses about his parents’ whereabouts whenever he did the weekly shopping at the store, ran into the mailman and the neighbors outside, or when someone important called the house phone, wanting to speak with his parents. Castiel spent his days in solitude and became an absolute loner – later in life, he often wondered if he would have ended up more social if he had grown up different, more normal, and more traditional. At some point, he stopped thinking about the “what could have been,” though.

Thankfully, his parents gave him his best friend, Demon, one Christmas. Castiel suspected they might have felt guilty about never being around but not guilty enough to make a change regarding their professional lives. As a kid, he would have loved to have his parents around more, but even then, he knew it would never happen, so he took the win: Demon became his family. The two of them would do everything together. He dropped him off every morning at dog daycare before school, trained him, took daily walks with him, and found himself taking his dog everywhere. Restaurants on rare occasions, he went out to eat, band rehearsals with his first band (old band), or even just to spend time at the beach on those hot summer days. When Castiel found out that he had a half-sister, who was six months younger than him, from an affair his father had while his mother was pregnant with him, things drastically changed. Violet, his sister, moved in with him because she couldn’t stay with her mother or her mother’s side of the family any longer, and suddenly, there was more life in the house he lived in than ever before. He had to learn what it meant to share his space – because he definitely didn’t even try to do so on those couple of days his parents were at home out of anger at them – and how to be part of a family that didn’t mean just his dog. And while Castiel became an exemplary brother, looking after his little sister – because Violet definitely needed to be looked after – he never believed himself to be a great caregiver or a possible father figure. Castiel’s family was so different from everyone else’s; he had such a vague idea of what an actual family was supposed to look like that the thought of having children of his own terrified him. Ella gave him time to process, and she promised she wouldn’t bring it up until he had time to think – the deadline was the day he returned home. He wanted to uphold his promise, but the tour was a great distraction, which he happily used for the following three weeks. The day he was supposed to go home and have a conversation with his girlfriend about what their family would look like in the future, he felt physically sick standing in front of the apartment building, unable to walk in and face the reality of seeing Ella pregnant. Although he had just gotten off the tour bus and he knew Ella was waiting for him in their apartment, he took a taxi to the train station. He told himself he wasn’t really running away as he bought a ticket to visit an old friend… Lysander.

Lysander and Castiel were best friends in high school but slowly grew apart after college. He knew this had a lot to do with Lysander’s parent’s death, the event changing Lysander into someone Castiel had difficulty recognizing from time to time. Lysander moved back home onto the family farm, the same farm he was running away from when he decided to move in with his older brother, Leigh, and lead his life in the city at the age of fourteen. All the plans Lysander, not only him, but the two of them had together were suddenly not important anymore: Lysander was desperate to connect with his dead parents and to please them even, or really, especially in death by overtaking the farm he used to hate growing up. Instead of a famous poet, composer, musician, or singer, Lysander became a farmer. Castiel was, of course, aware that he was a talented musician. Still, even he knew he’d probably never get on Lysander’s level because Lysander was special – a prodigy who walked away from the obvious path he should have taken. For years, he tried to convince Lysander to take back his own life, to live his life the way he desired to live it before he let his parent’s death control him, but Lysander never budged, and they just became angrier and more frustrated with each other. Castiel knew that Lysander wouldn’t have stayed in his life if it wasn’t for Ella’s twin sister, Crystal, the woman Lysander now called his wife. So, he and Castiel remained friendly for their partner’s sake, but their relationship didn’t feel like a friendship anymore. Castiel didn’t want to give up on the Lysander he once knew, and Lysander was furious with him for that. Surprisingly, even though they hadn’t talked (really talked) in a long time, Castiel found himself on a train to the farm, texting apologies to Ella for not coming home, for not being ready to talk to her about their future. Ella was furious with him, especially because she couldn’t understand why he would rather speak to Lysander, the guy who hadn’t been his friend, let alone his best friend for years at that point, than with her, his partner. Castiel couldn’t explain this sudden urge to see Lysander either, but he was somehow the person he needed at that moment – Castiel just hoped that Lysander wasn’t too mad at him to help him through this, and that Lysander didn’t completely change, unable to provide him with whatever he was looking for.

Crystal: Castiel, please tell me you didn’t actually run out on my pregnant sister!

Crystal: Is it true that you’re coming here for some reason?

He texted back and forth with Crystal, confirming that he was not only a colossal asshole but also an idiot for doing whatever he was doing. After five hours on the train, where he was either texting the twins (who were both pissed at him) or catching up on some much-needed sleep, he arrived at his destination, and Crystal was waiting for him at the station, clearly unhappy with the situation Castiel pulled her into.

“I’m guessing no hugs by your face.”, he tried to joke as he walked towards her.

Crystal was much more even-tempered than her twin, more logical than emotional. Yet, Castiel knew that he had majorly fucked up because he had never seen Crystal look at him or at anyone else before the way she was measuring him up then. “You should be glad I’m not putting you back on the train! Or punch you, for that matter...” she told him with ice-cold eyes and a dry tone.

She wasn’t a violent type or a person who made threats, so this was out of character for her. He made her act like this… She hadn’t talk to him this way even when he and Lysander fought.

“Where is Lysander?” he ignored the comment as he knew he deserved it.

“Working. Just because you decided to show up without even asking us first, doesn’t mean our world stops. If you’d ever visit us, you’d know that owning a farm is a lot of work, and we can’t really do anything spontaneously.”, she explained to him as he put his luggages in the back of the dark green pick-up truck. She was right about this – Castiel refused to visit them and to accept that Lysander and Crystal living on this farm was not just a temporary thing. He had no idea what the farm looked like, and he only had a handful of information about it because, over the years at family gatherings, he has overheard both Lysander and Crystal talking about running it.

“I’m sorry.” Castiel apologized to her as they both took their seats in the truck. Crystal didn’t start the car; she just looked forward, thinking hard about what she wanted to say to him.

“I understand that you had a difficult and very different childhood than most people get in life, but Ella and I also did not grow up under normal circumstances. I cannot comprehend why you would ever think she would not understand your fear of becoming a parent.”

Castiel, of course, knew that the Shepherd-Quinn children weren’t really raised by their parents but by their nannies, chefs, and other staff members. Like many children born into wealth, when it came to parental figures, they first thought of people who worked for them, then their actual parents. Still… this was different. The twins and their older brother, Xavier, had people to look up to, and they had parental figures in their lives – it just wasn’t the people who were their actual parents. Castiel had no one he could consider a parent or a parent-like figure.

“It’s not the same thing. I… I know that Ella would understand to an extent, but… It’s just not the same thing.”

“Well, Lysander’s situation is even more different. He had two very loving parents who raised him until he turned fourteen and left for the city. Even after he moved out, his parents called him daily and looked after him from afar.”, Crystal argued, still not starting the car.

“I know that! Crystal, I can’t explain myself, okay? I don’t know why it’s Lysander who I need right now, but it is!”

“Okay...” without looking at him, Crystal started up the car and began driving towards the farm.

Some sad song was playing on the radio, which further worsened his already sour mood, but Castiel was too scared to ask Crystal to change the station or to change it himself. During the entire drive, they didn’t speak – which was unusual. They have always gotten along and always had something to talk about: Castiel feared that he’d also finally lost Crystal, just like how he lost Lysander.

Even during the drive Castiel, could already see what both Lysander and Crystal liked about living in the countryside. While Castiel loved living in the city, he could finally recognize the beauty and the appeal of living in a small town like the one they lived in. Sure, the roads were bumpy, and some of the streets they’d driven on didn’t have actual roads, but there was beautiful nature all around them, with kids playing on the side of the roads and fat cats basking in the sun after they’d hunted down the dozens of country mice roaming around in the fields. Never in his life before did Castiel appreciate the simplicity of small towns, so he found himself ashamed of dragging them to filth in many arguments before with Lysander.

When they arrived at the Ainsworth family farm, Castiel was even more surprised because it did not look the way he had imagined it would. When they were teenagers, Lysander often told him how old and run-down the entire place looked, but it seemed like he and Crystal managed to renovate it into something straight out of a children’s book.

“This place is huge!” Castiel looked around with a wide-open mouth as he exited the car. “What crops are you guys growing here?”

“Carrots, corn, tomatoes, wheat, sunflowers, strawberries, grapes, and pumpkins. We also have some apple trees.”

“And you have bunnies, right?” Castiel knew that Lysander stopped eating meat when he took over the farm, feeling bad for eating the animals he was raising. Crystal was vegetarian before that. The two of them only had rabbits to sell because they found rabbits adorable. “Yes. Alongside our chickens, cows, sheep, goats, horses, llamas, our cat, Chubbs, and our dog, Belle.”

Castiel couldn’t start to imagine how much work it was to keep such a vast farm running and how many people Lysander and Crystal had to employ and keep their eyes on. Not to mention that, unlike Lysander, Crystal didn’t work full-time on the farm as she often drove into the city for performances – she was a relatively well-known opera singer.

“I am not sure where Lys is but let us go inside for now.”

Crystal showed him to one of their guestrooms. “Do you want to lay down for a while? You look tired, and Lys won’t be back in the house for hours…”

Castiel was itching to see Lysander and finally talk to him, but he also hadn’t slept well for a while, so he agreed to rest until Crystal came to get him. He slept in the soft, comfortable bed until 4 pm and would have slept longer if it wasn’t for Crystal waking him up.

“Rise and shine, Cas! Are you hungry?”

He was starving.

When they went downstairs into the kitchen, Castiel realized how authentic this house was to who Lysander and Crystal were. He always imagined it to be more representative of the previous owners, Lysander’s parents, but that wasn’t true at all. The colors, the furniture, and the decorations screamed of Lysander’s and Crystal’s taste. Although Lysander moved back here for his parents, it did seem like he made his new life here into something that was his own.

“You are gawking…” Crystal commented as she walked over to the kitchen counter, where freshly made, warm fennel carrot soup was on the stove. “Do you care for some soup and homemade bread?”

Castiel always knew that Crystal was way better in the kitchen than Ella, as Crystal had always been interested in cooking and learned to cook from their private chefs. He just never knew that it was a crime that Crystal didn’t own a five-star restaurant of her own – the bread she made from scratch, and the carrot soup she had given him was the best meal he had ever had.

“So, where is Lys?” he asked between bites, sitting at the long wooden table. Crystal has set the table for three, but Lysander was nowhere to be seen.

“Probably got distracted with something. He is horrible with time, you know that.”

He did know that about him and was glad that after all these years, there was something about Lysander that stayed the same.

“Are you guys… are you guys happy here?”

Crystal gave him a disapproving look regarding his question, thinking he was about to start another argument about their chosen lifestyle.

“No, no, no, I mean it for real… Is this life making you happy?”

Crystal eased back into her chair and smiled for the first time since Castiel had arrived. She smiled similarly to how Ella smiled, making Castiel’s heart tug as he thought of his girlfriend at home in their apartment. “You know this already, but I have never imagined living on a farm, much less running it. But this life… this was meant for us. And farm life is hard work, but we love it very much.”

“Lysander loves this?”

“Every second.” she nodded. “I am sure that a lot of it has to do with his parents and his childhood, but Lys is a sensitive soul, so he loves caring for animals and does appreciate seeing the results of his hard work. Plus, even you must admit that this place is beautiful.”

“It does have a certain charm…” he sighed, making Crystal’s smile more prominent.

“Finally! He caves.”

“Not fully…” Castiel put up his hands defensively. “But this visit was long overdue.”

“That is an understatement.”

Just as Crystal finished her sentence, Lysander appeared out of nowhere. He was wearing an ancient, flowy beige blouse and dark green overalls. He was wearing a giant sunhat over his white and black hair, and as he was walking towards them, he was peeling off black gloves from his hands.

“Hello there.” he nodded towards Castiel before leaning down to Crystal and kissing her. “It smells great in here.”

“Today’s dinner is carrot soup and fresh bread.”

“God bless you.” Lysander put his glowless hand over his stomach to signal his hunger. Then he walked over to the sink, washed his hands and arms, and even splashed water on his face. In the meantime, Crystal got up to pour him some soup in the baby blue-white soup bowl she had set the table with and to cut him a couple of pieces of bread.

It was still hurtful that Lysander and he now either greeted each other with a slide nod or with a handshake when, back in the day, they exchanged huge smiles and hugs, whenever they ran into each other.

“How is everything with the… crops and animals?” Castiel tried to make conversation, though it came out incredibly awkward. Lysander gave him a surprised look, probably because Castiel had never even faked interest in the farm before, but once Lysander composed himself, he answered honestly.

“Good. I think Precious will give birth soon.”

“P-precious?”

“Oh, right. Precious is one of our rabbits.”

“Oh!”

The conversation ended there because Castiel had no idea what else he could say. He was scared of accidentally causing an argument, and he didn’t know how to converse with Lysander anymore. Once Lysander sat down to eat, he and Crystal were more or less only talking about the farm business, and Castiel kept quiet, eating dinner and listening to them. Just from today, he understood that what Crystal said at the train station was not really to hurt him, but instead the simple truth: their lives didn’t stop just because he decided to come by, and they couldn’t really do “spontaneous” things, and visits, because running the farm was colossal work. As he continued to listen to them and eat the delicious food before him, he was amazed at just how normal this conversation between them seemed: they talked about animals that soon would need a checkup, ranch hands and their performances, and other things Castiel didn’t fully understand because he knew nothing about crops. This was their daily life, but Castiel had never even tried to imagine them like this because he was too stubborn to do so. Crystal and Lysander were in their element, discussing their farm and family business. Castiel wished he could have turned back time and been more supportive of them, especially Lysander. Leaving the city behind didn't seem like a mistake; he appeared at ease, and if it wasn't for Castiel's surprise visit and overall idiocy, Lysander might have appeared happier.

“Okay, well, we can discuss this later.” Crystal finished up the conversation once they had all finished eating and were just sitting at the dining table.

“I’ll do the dishes.” Lysander stood up, but Crystal gave him a stern look.

“No, you won’t. Not today… You two need to go outside and have a conversation. No hiding, no more excuses and distractions.”

Lysander looked bothered because he most certainly did not want to do what he was told, but nonetheless, he started walking towards the door.

“Go on…” Crystal nodded at Castiel, who also got up to follow Lysander outside.

It was already half-six, and the sun was setting with beautiful colors—pink, yellow, and purple. Castiel wished Ella would be on his side to show her how beautiful it all looked.

“So…” Lysander sat on the porch, and Castiel sat beside him. They didn’t look at each other for multiple minutes, both deep in their thoughts, not sure how to start the conversation. Castiel knew that it was the least he could do to start the conversation, apologize, and explain his behavior not just today but also for the past two years.  

“The longer I spend here at the farm, the more I can see just how perfect it is for you and Crystal.” he admitted. This sentence surprised Lysander so much that he turned towards him with an open mouth and big eyes. Castiel understood this reaction—the way he had talked about the farm ever since Lysander decided to leave the city behind was vulgar, to say the least. “Did Crystal slip you some drugs when I was working?” Lysander asked, more serious than joking.

“No, I think I just… Now that I’m confronted by all of this, I get it more or less. Why you did it, why you enjoy it, and… that it’s much more you than I imagined. I thought you were lying to yourself all this time when it came to this place, and although I did have your best interest at heart, I just… I fucked up. I was too angry with you and this place to even consider how all of this might be good for you.”

Lysander stayed quiet for a long time. Castiel didn’t expect him to forgive him, but he did hope for a response – even if it was negative. Before talking about all the craziness of his future with Ella, he just wanted to address "the elephant in the room," and he knew that he owed an apology to Crystal and Lysander. He also desperately craved a cigarette, but he forgot the pack up "in his room."

"You really grew," Lysander commented with a hint of a smile. "When we were teenagers, you were so stubborn you would have never admitted to being such an idiot. You got better in college, but now…"

Lysander didn't finish the sentence; he just turned away from him and watched the view thoughtfully. Castiel knew Lysander was right, and that age and his life experiences made him more "mature." He was still quick to anger and too stubborn for his own good, but at least he learned to recognize his mistakes (though, this time, it was way too late) and how to apologize for them. He also learned how to let go, which he struggled immensely with. Castiel was often caught up in "alternate universes" he was creating in his mind, where things ended up working out differently, like his parents giving him more attention when he was a kid, his ex-girlfriend Deborah not choosing her music career over him, or Zackary didn't betray him, throwing away their friendship. Accepting things and moving on was hard for him, but every time he was disappointed in the past twenty-seven years of his life, he was forced to move on from these bad memories – otherwise, he would have ended up as a genuinely bitter and miserable man. For three years, Castiel couldn't accept Lysander's choice to become a farmer instead of a musician or artist. For three years, he destroyed their friendship because he was so sure he was right and too stubborn and hurt to listen to what Lysander was telling him.

"I still think that you're one of a kind. And it's a crime not to share your talent with the world, but I know that this is your choice and that it's not about me and the plans we made when we were young.

Not everything is about me, he reminded himself Castiel.

"Thank you." Lysander turned to him again, and his hidden smile was no longer hidden. Although Lysander had always been a hard person to read, Castiel knew that at that moment, he was proud of him. "This means a lot."

They fell quiet, watching the scenery in front of them. Castiel felt like an invisible weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He and Lysander were not back to being friends. Castiel knew he had to earn back that friendship and that it would take time, but at least all the bad blood between them had disappeared. It was a clean slate, a fresh start.

"I have to ask…" Lysander was the one who broke the silence. "What is happening with you and Ella? Why would you run out on her like this? I know that the idea of becoming a father is terrifying to you, but…"

Castiel immediately felt his heart tighten. He had never run off before – he and Ella would always talk (and often scream) things out whenever they had problems. This was so unlike him, and it must have hurt Ella.

“I don’t know if Ella can ever forgive me for this,” Castiel admitted. “Hell, when I go home, she can punch me in the face, and I’ll gladly let her. I deserve this. I never thought I had it in me to act like such a scum and to hurt the woman I love, fully conscious of my actions.”

“Then why did you?”

“Because… I’m going to lose her. Whatever I decide on, I know that I’m going to lose her, and it made my entire body tense up and run because I can’t and simply… couldn’t even dare think about a future without her.”

“Lose her? Why would you lose her?”

Castiel closed his eyes, trying to calm his breathing and not concentrate on his racing heart and tensed-up muscles. Even just talking about it felt like he was dying.

“Because I don’t know how to be a father, especially not a good father. If we have children, I will blow up our lives! She’ll see me fail, and not only will she hate me for my failures, but so will my kids… And if we decide against having children… let’s just say that even though we talked about it many times in the past, during that Facetime call with Ella when she told me she was pregnant, I could tell that she wanted this pregnancy and that she wants to be a mom. I can’t ask her to get an abortion; that’s just not right…”

“Castiel, you’re not going to be a bad father…” Lysander wanted to continue, but Castiel caught him off.

“You don’t know that! Out of everyone, you know the best that I don’t know how a family should function and what one’s relationship with its parents is supposed to be like! How can I become a parent when I don’t even know what parents are supposed to be like? And I’m gone A LOT, which will be even more so in the future! I’m lucky with Ella, but even leaving her behind is killing me, even though she keeps reassuring me about it! I can’t do the same thing to a child, but I don’t want to give up my dreams!”

His head started hurting because he “couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.”

“You won’t have to give up your dreams! Come on, Castiel, Ella is your biggest supporter! I’m sure that you’d be able to work something out!”

“That doesn’t change the fact that I’d have no idea what the fuck I would be supposed to be doing!”

“Most new parents also have no clue… and… Castiel… Look, you are thinking about what’s best for your child already! Your child is not even born, but you’re already looking out for them! That’s what parenthood should be about! You do your best and want the best for your child! That’s all one can do! Someone who already cares for their kid, when they’re not even a baby yet, won’t be a bad father… And you’re forgetting about Ella! You guys are a team; you won’t be alone! And although she didn’t have the most “usual” childhood either, she had people looking after her, so if you have questions or worries, you can always go to her!”

With every sentence that left Lysander’s mouth, he felt calmer. He was so blinded by his fear until this moment that he couldn’t think clearly, but now…

“There are classes you guys can take, books you can read, and forums you can visit. That and teamwork will guide you! Plus, you can ask your friends who are already parents for advice.”

“True, but we don’t know many parents. Only Leigh and Rosalya…” he muttered to himself.

“Actually…” Lysander coughed into his hand awkwardly before giving Castiel a shy smile. “You also have Crystal and I.”

It took Castiel an embarrassingly long minute before he understood what Lysander meant by that.

“Wait…! Is Crystal pregnant?”

“Yes. We wanted to keep it to ourselves for a while, but because of these current circumstances…” Lysander teased.

“Oh my God! Congratulations!” Castiel jumped up and pulled Lysander up with himself. He gave him a big, very tight, and real hug. It has been a while since they shared a hug, let alone such a joyous and real one.

“Thank you…” Lysander whispered as he eased into the hug.

“Man! This is amazing! You guys are going to be parents!”

“I see Lysander broke the news…” Crystal showed up with two beer cans in her hands. “These are for you boys!”

Castiel rushed over to her, took the beers out of her hand, and put them down before giving her a big hug, too. “Congratulations!”

“Thank you, thank you… Although, if you would like to meet your niece or nephew one day, I suggest you ease up on the hug a little.”

Castiel laughed as he let her go. “Sorry, I’m just so happy for you guys! This is amazing! We have to toast!”

Crystal smiled and watched as Castiel opened the beer cans and handed one to Lysander.

“Would you like water or anything else?”

“No, no, I am fine. I don’t need anything.”

“Well, if that’s the case, congratulations to you both! You are going to be… wonderful parents! I can’t wait to meet my nephew or niece! And if they can hear me in there…” he pointed to Crystal’s stomach. “I’ll have you know that I’ll be your favorite uncle! I’m stopping with the stupidity and arguments as of today.”

“I’ll gladly drink to all of this!” Lysander raised the can, and they clanked them together before taking a ceremonial first sip.

“You two are… good now?” Crystal asked, measuring them up carefully.

Castiel wanted to say, “I hope so” or “We’re okay, but will get there,” but didn’t want to put words in Lysander’s mouth again.

“I think so,” Lysander answered with a slight smile. “It will be work, but having my best friend back is good. I missed him a lot…”

Castiel’s eyes immediately became wet upon hearing that, and he quickly blinked away the tears out of embarrassment. Even though he got over Zackary and the loss of that friendship, he couldn’t get over Lysander in a million years. Their friendship was exceptional and a once-in-a-million situation, even though they hit a three-year rough patch.

“Are you okay, Cas?” Crystal walked over to him and pulled him into a hug.

Out of everyone they knew, Crystal was one of the few who truly understood how much their friendship meant to them both.

“Yeah. It’s the dust…”

“What a liar!” Crystal chuckled.

“I’m sorry, it got very emotional!” he protested against “showing weakness,” even though he was amongst people he didn’t really mind showing his sensitive side in front of. “I could just hug the shit out of you for saying such things… But I don’t want to make your pregnant wife feel like a third wheel!”

“Oh, I was used to that with the both of you. Feel free to show off your “bromance” because I would not be a third wheel, anyway! Our child is always with me!” she explained.

“That’s true. At best, she’d be fourth wheeling.” Lysander nodded, still smiling.

“But before you two run off into the sunset… What about my sister?”

"We talked about that too… that's why Lysander told me you're also pregnant. I feel better and see things more clearly, but I have to go home first thing in the morning and talk seriously with her."

"Look, you know me, I am big on privacy, but I need to know if you will break her heart. I have always believed in the two of you, and I know that you love each other, but if having a child is a no-go for you and Ella wants to keep the baby…"

"Whatever Ella wants to do, we'll do, and I'll be at her side the entire time. But if we keep the baby, we'll have to sort out many things because of how hectic our lives are. And I'll probably panic a lot, but I won't run away anymore…"

“I am glad to hear that.” Crystal nodded approvingly.  “I’ll text my sister that you’re not planning to make a run for Mexico under a new identity.”

“I would never!” Castiel laughed.

“Oh, she asked me to stop you if you’d bring up the idea. Pregnant or not, I would have locked you up in the shed!”

“Kinky…”

The three laughed, spending the night outside, talking freely and happily about life: Lysander and Crystal were brimming with excitement about their impending parenthood. Despite the challenges of managing a farm, they were hopeful. Castiel, too, was filled with hope, his band’s successes and bright future fueling his optimism. All of them talked without any restraints or resentment for the first time in three years – and Castiel could see his future clearly in that moment. The image of his kids running around the farm, playing with Lysander’s and Crystal’s kids on one of their visits, where Ella was of course also at his side, didn’t seem so scary anymore. In the future, Castiel would read enough parenting books and watch enough documentaries about raising children to be confident about his abilities as a father. He hoped this would be the case at least.

[lowkeyed1]

Willow Month 2023: Day 3 - Favorite Episode This is a tough call for me, because it's very close. I love Episode 7: Across the Shattered Sea because it has so much gorgeous character development for everyone and so much beautiful scenery, but Episode 4: Whispers of Nockmaar just barely shades it. I think it's the whump. This ep is basically 45 minutes of whumping on poor Graydon and.... he suffers beautifully.

This poor kid starts off the ep infected with dark magic. He and the group both know it will eventually corrupt his entire system, cause him to become possessed and try to kill everyone, and they will have to kill him. And they spend the first part of the episode chaining him up and not doing anything about it, except Elora comforting him.

They finally decide to do something and this leads to him restrained even more, splayed out on some kind of bench. He spends a lot of time writhing and moaning in pain. They tear his shirt open while he gasps, exposing horrific scarring he feels deeply ashamed of and doesn't want to talk about, while he sweats and groans even more.

Then they throw a bucket of liquid on him while he writhes around some more and it's obviously painful and I should probably just acknowledge it's not just the whump I love in this episode? They did NOT have to make this whole thing so BDSM but they really did, god bless them. Plus lovely grace notes in the script referring to him being ravaged and also reamed -_-

ANYWAY we go on from here to his having hallucinations about his painful past, then the possession really starts to set in and he gets aggressive, then starts talking in the voices of loved ones to scare and distract people. Then we have a break in the action and when we get back to Graydon...

well. all right then. Spoiler, he's fully possessed here but acting like he's not. You can tell because they flat-ironed his hair! Lol, but also he's uncharacteristically comfortable with his exposed flesh and touching other people which seems like a nice, subtle hint.

Trust me, Graydon in his right mind is never leaving that many buttons unbuttoned. He leads Elora up to the tower so he can complete the banishment ritual Bavmorda was trying to do to baby Elora at the end of the movie, but then everyone else shows up and he gets whumped on some more...

Literally I would die, as an actor, if I had Erin and Ruby holding me down and Amar crawling on top of me and pretending to pummel me but like. That's the biz, I guess?

At any rate, Kit convinces Elora that she is magic enough to fix this, so she goes and almost-but-not-quite kisses him (she does call it a kiss later) and sucks the evil out of him. He tells her he never doubted her, and the boy is clearly smitten after that

Unfortunately, Elora had a vision of him shoving his brother out of a tree when he was possessed as a child and feels like he might be sketchy. So he's giving her a big smitten smile when they leave....

(credit to willowgifsdaily for this gif)

...but that smile starts to falter bc she's giving him this look in return, yikes

Anyway, that was good wholesome fun for the whole family and kudos to Disney+ for realizing they needed to put in a bondage-themed whumpfest to really sell me on the show! And kudos once again to my boy Tony Revolori, who sells every inch of this episode just amazingly. The emotional range is all over the place and there's no part where he falters in just performing the absolute shit out of this one. This episode changed my brain chemistry forever, I think. And that is why Whispers of Nockmaar is my favorite episode of WIllow! Send help!

[onceuponastory]

letting you down - rockstar!bucky x reader

Don't you get sick of only hearing your own voice? Talk like you're so damn tough, but you're just a little boy You like to think you've broke the mould, but now I'm sure, You'll crack just like the rest when I break your fucking jaw! - the best thing (that never happened) by we are the in crowd

Edit: Although the girl I used in the original moodboard was meant to be Natasha, I want my fics to be inclusive for all, so have updated the moodboard to reflect this. Plot: Tour romances mean nothing serious...right?

Or, fresh out of a breakup and deciding to focus on her music, Y/N jumps at the chance to go on tour with one of her favourite bands to take her mind off of things. Especially romance. Unfortunately for her, their drummer just can't keep his eyes off of her. Pairing: Rockstar!Bucky Barnes x Female!Reader Warnings: Emotional abuse and manipulation (not from Bucky), reader’s ex being a dick, self doubt, a tiny mention of violence and anxiety. As always, if I miss any triggers, please let me know. Notes: Another rockstar Bucky fic, because I do love him so. Also, this was inspired by song above, so I recommend you listen to it (also because it’s a great song). Again, thanks to @staticscreenwriting / @astartothemoon for my dividers. Not beta’d, so any mistakes are my own.

Taking a seat on the cold wooden chair in her agent’s office, Y/N anxiously nibbles on the skin of her lip, almost tearing it off with how nervous she is. Only an hour ago, she was told to come to the office urgently because her agent had news for her, too important to share over the phone. The whole time, she’s been wracking her brain to figure out what she could want to tell her. And each time, her mind has come up with the worst potential outcomes. And after just being dumped, that’s the last thing she needs right now. “So, we have some news.” Helen, her agent, announces, peering at her over the frame of her glasses. Y/N gulps. It’s the sort of look a mother gives her child when they’re caught sneaking cookies out of the jar, or when she knows that they’re the one who broke her vase. Either way, it’s not a good sign. She’s definitely about to be dropped. Maybe Dylan's right. Maybe she’s not cut out for this. Her stomach churns, and she warily eyes the exit, just in case.

“Good news, I hope…?” She chuckles awkwardly, starting to hope the ground will swallow her whole.

“It depends on whether you have any plans in September.” Frowning, Y/N raises a brow. However, before she can even ask why, Helen continues. “Because The End of The Line wants you to open for them on their US Tour that month.” She states casually. Y/N’s mouth drops open.

“WHAT?!” she squeals. “Are you serious?!” The End of The Line is a band she knows very well. Okay, she knows their music. Yet, considering how they’ve got multiple number ones and album nominations under their belts, practically everyone knows who they are. They’re one of the most successful bands going in the scene right now. But she had no idea they knew who she was. What feels like only a few months ago, Y/N was posting her own original songs on her YouTube and performing in her local bar…and now, she’s going on tour with one of her favourite bands. Not even that. Imagine the exposure this could bring. All the new fans and support. She doesn’t even realise how much her heart is beating or how close she is to hyperventilating until Helen passes over a glass of water.

“Don’t be so modest.” She tuts. “The first single you released has been in the Top 10 for weeks, and your album is selling incredibly well. You’re in high demand, and people know it.” Y/N gulps down the water almost in one go, still shaking. “Are you okay? I don’t want you passing out on my floor.”

“No, no. I’m okay! I’m good.” Y/N lies. Helen raises a brow.

“Okay, well I need to confirm your attendance with their team so they can schedule a meeting with them and the band to go over venues. And then there’s merchandising, transport arrangements….” Helen’s voice fades into static as Y/N grapples with the situation. She’s going on tour with one of her favourite bands. They know who she is, and they like her. She pinches her skin a few times, wondering if she’s still dreaming. That she’ll open her eyes and she’ll be a nobody again, her perfect Cinderella story over. 

However, the repeated pinching doesn’t work, meaning that this is real. That revelation somehow both makes her relieved and absolutely terrified. Sure, she’s going on her first tour…but that means there’s more people to disappoint. The band, for a start. But then again, going on tour means meeting one of her favourite bands ever. Not to mention that by getting herself out there, more and more people can discover her music, and she can hopefully do what she loves for a living, rather than waiting tables for the rest of her life. Which means potentially more tours and new albums. And she won’t have to spend as much time in her practically empty apartment now that Dylan’s left. “So? What should I say?” Helen asks, peering over the rim of her glasses again.

Taking a breath, Y/N answers: “Tell them I’d love to tour with them.”

A few weeks later, Y/N and Helen enter the building where she’s about to meet The End of the Line and their agent. Glancing around the vast building, Y/N’s heart rate picks up. A year ago, she could only dream of going to a place like this for a visit, let alone to meet one of the biggest bands in the scene to plan a tour with them. As they enter the elevator, Y/N fiddles with the waistband of her trousers, suddenly feeling more and more constricted. 

“Maybe this was the wrong outfit choice. Maybe I should’ve been more casual?” She wonders. “Actually, maybe I should just go. I definitely do not fit in here. Sure, I’ll be getting out of the house, but is it really worth all this?” Y/N bounces anxiously on her heels, waiting for the elevator to reach the floor they need so she can make a break for it. 

“Y/N, please calm down before you stress me out. That’s the last thing either of us needs.” Helen sighs.

“Sorry. I’m just nervous.” Yet she can tell Helen’s words are not malicious. Helen really does care for her. She just has a funny way of showing it sometimes.

“I know. Trust me, though, they don’t bite. And I made Tony promise that he’d play nice, too.” She chuckles. Y/N doesn’t laugh. The elevator dings, and Helen announces that they’ve made it. Y/N’s heart drops. Although she considered running, she now can’t move. “Come on.” Helen orders, beckoning her to follow. Y/N does as she asks, as if on autopilot.

“That woman must have magic powers.” She thinks to herself.

When they reach the meeting room, to Y/N’s surprise, Helen simply walks in without knocking, giving her no time to prepare. 

“Well, look who finally arrived! It’s wonderful to see you again, Helen.” A man grins, shaking Helen’s hand. He’s dressed in a crisp black suit, one that Y/N recognises absolutely costs more than her rent for a year. Presumably that’s Tony. Y/N steps forward, ready to introduce herself. Until-

“Hey! You must be Y/N!” Before she can even react, Natasha Romanoff is standing in front of her. Y/N gulps. 

“Yeah, that’s me. It’s nice to meet you!” She holds out a hand for her to shake, but Natasha pulls her into a hug instead. 

“There’s one thing you gotta know about Nat. She’s a hugger.” She recognises Steve’s voice, but suddenly realising Natasha Romanoff is a real person to then being hugged by her in such a short space of time is a lot for Y/N to cope with.

“You’re gorgeous! I can’t wait to go on tour with you!” Nat squeals, and Y/N mutters something in reply, still in shock. 

“Nat, let the poor girl breathe and let the rest of us say hi!” a voice speaks, and Y/N is soon released from Nat’s grasp. Then, she meets the rest of the band, starting with Steve and Sam. “And over there is…” 

But the man on the couch needs no introduction. Bucky Barnes leans against the back of the couch, twirling a drumstick between his tattooed fingers. In fact, tattoos cover both of his arms and most of his hands, little of his actual skin showing. He cocks his head, looking over her body with a smile. This man just oozes confidence…and he’s fucking gorgeous.

“Bucky.” She whispers, although not quietly enough, as Bucky laughs.

“Yup, that’s me.” Y/N blushes. Bucky gets up and shakes her hand. Her fingers brush over the calluses dotted around his fingers, and a shiver reverberates through her body. “Nice to meet you.” He smiles, and Y/N gulps. Fuck, this man is attractive, and he knows it. And he probably knows that she knows it too, given how he’s looking at her. Nothing can come of this, though. She’s here to do a job and for her music, not to fall in love. Especially after everything that’s happened in her love life, and especially not with a band guy like Bucky Barnes. 

“Come on, let’s start planning.” Tony orders. As the group takes their seats, Bucky sits right across from her, still smiling. Still staring at her. Y/N’s breath hitches in her throat.

She can already tell…he’s got trouble written all over him.

The next few months of interviews, photoshoots and practice sessions whizz by in a blur. In seemingly no time at all, it’s time for Y/N to go on tour. She looks up at the tour buses, her stomach churning with both excitement and her nerves. 

Is it too early to go home?

“Hey! You made it!” a voice calls. And there go her escape plans.

“Hey Eddie. Do you know where I’m supposed to be staying? Am I with you guys on your bus?" she asks. Eddie is one of the band’s merch guys, and since meeting, the pair gelled right away, something which Y/N is immensely grateful for. Of course, she’s glad she and the band are getting on so well, but it’s nice to have a friend who isn’t in a band, someone she can just talk to about anything. In all honesty, Y/N’s still nervous around the band. They’re lovely, but she’s star-struck and hopelessly awkward whenever she’s with them, which isn’t a good thing when you’re trying to make friends. 

To her confusion, though, Eddie chuckles. “Sorry Y/N, but you’re not with us.” He gestures his head to the other bus. “The musicians are all in there.” Y/N gulps. This isn’t what she expected. She feels like a fish out of water, even now. Like she doesn’t belong. She’s just an opener, a nobody.

“But-” 

“Yes, that means you too.” Eddie cuts her off. “And we’re full.” He continues before she can say anything more. “On you go.” When she doesn’t move, he gently nudges her forward, towards the door of the bus. “You better be fast and get a good bunk!” He calls after her as she nervously steps on board. 

As she makes her way to the bunk area, clutching her bag close to her chest, Y/N looks around the bus, her home for the next few weeks. Its kitchenette is even bigger than her kitchen at home. Actually, this whole bus is bigger than her apartment. Earlier this year, she could only dream of standing on a bus like this, yet alone living here. This is definitely going to take some getting used to. 

“Hey guys.” She smiles when she reaches the bunks. They all smile when they see her, each welcoming her to her new home, which makes her feel a little less nervous. “So, which bunk is mine?” 

“You’re up here, above me.” Bucky answers. Y/N’s eyes widen, and immediately, her nervousness is back. Bucky? She’s sleeping in close proximity to Bucky? The same drummer who’s been on her mind ever since she met him, despite her attempts to block him out? How can this possibly go wrong? “I hope that’s okay. If you’d rather have the bottom one, just say.” He reassures her. Despite her nerves, Bucky’s commitment to making sure she’s okay and comfortable makes her smile. 

“No, the top one is totally fine. Thanks Bucky.” She nods, trying to throw her bag onto the bed, but unable to reach.

“Let me help you with that.” Bucky chuckles. 

“Are you sure? I’m okay Bucky, it’s-” But the bag falls to the floor before she can finish her sentence. Bucky laughs again. Yet it’s not a mocking laugh. It’s a friendly laugh, actually. “Okay, maybe I do need help.” Bucky picks up her bag, lifting it over her head and onto the bunk with ease. As he does, she immediately notices his proximity to her. He’s so close that he’s almost trapping her between the bunks. So close she could reach out and run her finger along every single outline of each of Bucky’s tattoos, touch every freckle and birthmark dotting his skin. Y/N gasps. She never realised how muscular he was at first. “Thanks.” She smiles.

“You’re welcome.” He nods. For a moment, it’s as if it’s just them two on the bus, in their own little universe, each staring into the other’s eyes. But then, a little voice sounds in Y/N’s head.

“Don’t get with band dudes. They’re no good. And they’re the last thing you need, especially now.” And so, she pulls away. As she does, she registers Bucky’s smile faltering slightly. “So, what are the beds like? Are they comfy?” She asks, climbing up to her bunk, hoping to change the subject. 

“Yeah, they’re alright.” Bucky replies, his voice mumbled slightly. As she lays down, Bucky’s smile fading and his slight disappointment replays in her mind. His disappointment confuses her.

This is for her own good.

For both of their own good.

So why does she feel so bad about it?

Early the next morning, Y/N sits alone at the small table in the bus’ kitchenette, staring out at the window and watching the world go by. A steaming mug of coffee sits opposite her. Unsurprisingly, her nerves meant she didn’t sleep well the night before. Especially since tomorrow marks the first night of the tour, and her first time performing for people who aren’t the regulars at her local bar.

“Hey.” A familiar voice speaks, pulling her out of her thoughts as Bucky sits opposite her. Y/N rubs her eyes, mumbling a good morning. “You good? Wasn’t expecting anyone else to be up so early.” He remarks. She waits, a part of her expecting a cheeky or sarcastic comment to follow. However, there’s no malice in Bucky’s comment. In fact, it’s far from cruel. It’s from a place of concern, making sure she’s alright after having her world changed practically overnight. And Y/N appreciates it more than he’ll ever know.

“Yeah, I’m okay.” Y/N murmurs, wiping at her eyes. “Just homesick, that’s all. I’m not used to being away from home on tour yet. I mostly just stick to playing local bars.” It’s not exactly a lie. Sure, it’s not the main reason she’s sitting here teary eyed at not even 8.30am, but it’s still part of it. Bucky’s brow furrows. A part of her expects him to judge her, or to laugh at her for being so inexperienced. Like she’s used to people doing. Well…like she’s used to Dylan doing. Or worse, he’ll start prying. Something she absolutely isn’t ready for. However, Bucky simply nods. 

“Yeah, I get that. It took us all a while to get used to it, too. But don’t worry, you’re doing great, and you’re definitely good enough to be on tour.” And for the first time that morning, Y/N finds herself smiling. 

“So, now we’ve established why I’m here so early in the morning, can I ask why you are?” 

“Well, I’ve always been a bit of an early bird, and when you share a bus with three other people, some of whom snore….” He trails off, and he and Y/N laugh. “I usually take this time to write some music, but it’s nice to have some new company for once.”

“Have you been working on anything special?” Bucky shrugs.

“Just some things here and there. Maybe we could plan a writing session.” 

“Just us?” Y/N regrets the question almost immediately. Because who does that? Who asks a cute guy who talks about hanging out with you if his friends will tag along too?

“If you want.” Bucky smiles, and something in Y/N’s stomach flutters. “Okay, I’m gonna get some breakfast.” Bucky announces, getting up. “Do you want some?”

“Sure, what have you got?”

“We have…cereal or cereal.” He offers, holding up two boxes. Y/N laughs.

“Wow, what varied choices. I think I’ll have cereal, please.” Y/N points out the box she wants, and Bucky nods.

“A wise choice.” Y/N giggles again, and he grins. He passes over a bowl and sits back down. The pair chat as they eat their breakfast, laughing at each other’s jokes. Y/N can feel her heart beating like crazy. She never imagined she would be here, doing simple things like eating breakfast with a rockstar, or that they’d get along so well. Especially so soon after having her heart broken. It’s an unfamiliar experience…but it’s a nice, comfortable one all the same. 

As the morning goes on, the rest of the band slowly make their way towards them, and the bus fills with laughter and chatter. Bucky drums a rhythm on the table, and once again Y/N finds herself smiling as she watches him play, and as the others all sing along. Yet, despite how much fun she’s having at that moment, all she can think about is when this tour will be over, and how, when it ends, she’s going to be heartbroken and alone all over again. And she can’t handle that pain. Not again.

She has to limit the risk of heartbreak, wherever possible. 

The next night, Y/N paces around the green room, nervously murmuring to herself. “I can’t do this. I can’t do this. Oh god, they’re gonna hate me.” She wrings her hands together. “Is it too late to go home?”

“Hey, it’s alright Y/N. Calm down. Take deep breaths.” Sam encourages. 

“Yeah, you’ll be fine! You’ve practised more than enough for this. We were nervous our first time too.” Natasha continues, and the others nod. Yet, Y/N shakes her head.

“No. I won’t. It’s a huge crowd, and I’m not good enough.” A figure stands in front of her, gently taking her arms.

“Y/N.” Bucky. “I promise you, you are good enough for this. After all, that’s why we brought you on tour with us, right, guys?” A chorus of agreement fills the room, alleviating her worry slightly. 

“What if they hate me, though?”

“Nobody’s going to hate you. Did you see the reaction we got when we announced you? Everyone is so excited, and you’re going to go out there and kill it, just like you did in rehearsal.” Seeing that she’s still nervous, Bucky leans in slightly closer. “When you’re out there, imagine you’re performing just for us, like before. Think you can do that?” He asks.

“I guess….” She murmurs, and Bucky smiles. 

“Good girl. Want us to walk down to the stage with you?” He asks, and she nods. When the time comes, the band does exactly that, reassuring her the whole way there. As she waits for the song before she goes out to finish, Y/N takes deep breaths. She registers someone squeezing her hand, and Bucky whispers in her ear. “Don’t worry. Just like you practised. We’ll be right here, watching.” Y/N nods.

And then, it’s time, and Y/N steps onto the stage. Immediately, she launches into her first song. To her surprise, most of the crowd seems to know it, and she can see the people in the first few rows singing along and dancing. Even those who don’t know her look like they’re having a good time. And the same things happen with the second song. And the next song. The crowd seems to love her. 

After a few songs, Y/N takes a minute to have a drink.

“Hey guys! I’m Y/N.” The crowd cheers, and she can’t help but smile. “Some of you may know this, but this is my first actual show on an actual tour, and what a fucking amazing crowd and band to start my tour life with!” More cheers. “So thank you all, but especially thank you to The End of the Line!” She glances to the side of the stage, catching the eyes of the band. All four grin, giving her a thumbs up. Y/N smiles proudly. “This next song is called Crimson. Sing along if you know it.”

Y/N’s set goes by both quicker and better than she expected. As she gets closer to the end of her set, the band leaves to finish getting ready for their own set. However, Y/N doesn’t mind. She already feels more confident than she did at the beginning. As she finishes up her last song, she calls out: “Thank you all so fucking much! I’m gonna be hanging out at the merch table over there for a bit if you wanna come say hi or tell me I was shit. Fuck it, you guys bought the tickets.” She giggles. “Goodnight!”

When she makes it to the merch stand, Eddie hands her a beer, which she almost downs. “Damn girl.” Eddie praises. “That was fucking awesome!”

“You think?”

“Uh, yeah! The crowd loved you. We’ve sold a bunch of your merch already.” She gasps.

“You’re kidding.” He shakes his head, gesturing to something behind her. Y/N turns around to see some girls standing there, staring at her all wide eyed. “Oh sorry. Am I in your way for merch? Just tell me to move. It’s okay.”

“You were amazing! I love your music so much.” One of them grins, holding out her ticket and a sharpie. “Can you sign my ticket, please?” Y/N’s mouth drops open. She wasn’t actually expecting people to want to meet her.

“And mine!” The others chorus.

“T-Thanks!” Still slightly in shock, Y/N nods, signing each ticket and taking pictures with each of them. Soon, a few more fans come to see her, and still amazed, Y/N repeats the cycle. This is her first ever meet and greet, the first time people actually like her.

“Have a good night!” She calls as they go back towards the crowd. “Did that just happen, or am I fucking dreaming?!” she asks Eddie, who laughs.

“I told you. They love you.”

During The End Of The Line’s set, Y/N stands side stage watching them, smiling and singing along to every song as the crowd laps it up, screaming every word back to them. They’re such incredible performers. Maybe one day, that’ll be her, selling out venues across the country. She glances out on the stage, watching as the band plays. Natasha jumps around, her red hair swinging around wildly. Sam and Steve lean against each other as they play their guitars, smiling and joking with each other. And then, she sees Bucky, drumming furiously, his arms moving rapidly. He throws his hands up into the air, twirling his drumsticks between his fingers. Once the song ends, he runs his hand through his hair, strands sticking to his sweaty forehead. Breathlessly, he smiles, mouthing a thank you to the crowd. Y/N feels her breath hitching in her throat. He looks so gorgeous, a true rockstar. 

In an ideal world, one where she and her love life aren’t so broken, they’d probably be together. But there’s no way that can happen. She can see how the girls in the crowd look at him and the others. If he has the pick of any girl he wants, why would he ever go for her?

After all, she’s just an opener. Feeling her heart sinking, Y/N sighs sadly. With one last look at Bucky, she turns and walks back to the green room.

After their set, the band comes back to the green room. To her surprise, though, they’re not talking about their set…they’re talking about hers. “I knew it! You were perfect!” Natasha squeals. “We’re so proud of you!”

“And Eddie told us about your meet and greet. The fans love you.” Sam praises. Before Y/N can say anything, the band envelopes her in a group hug. The overwhelming love and support shown to her throughout the night suddenly reaches a head. Immediately, tears come to her eyes, and soon, Y/N begins crying.

“Oh god, sorry was it too much? We can be a lot, so if you’re uncomfortable, just tell us, sweetheart.”

“No! I’m just…not used to all this, to being shown so much support all at once.” She murmurs, and a chorus of “awww!” fills the room.

“Trust us.” Natasha smiles. “You deserve it.”

“Welcome to touring life Y/N! As a celebration, I say we go get food. My treat.” Steve grins.

“Wow, you’re paying? That’s new. You should savour this experience Y/N.” Sam teases, and the group dissolves into laughter. As she looks around at the band, her new friends who changed her life, Y/N smiles, already feeling her anxieties beginning to melt away slightly.

“Come on then. Let’s go.”

“That was so good. And it tasted even better since I didn’t pay.” Sam grins, and Y/N laughs. 

“Shove off. It’s your turn next time.” Steve replies. As Sam, Steve and Natasha walk on ahead, Bucky falls into step beside her. Right away, she can feel her heart rate beginning to increase.

“I’ve eaten so much, I’m surprised I’m still able to walk.” She murmurs, and Bucky laughs. 

“Yeah, I feel that. We go there every time we’re here, and every time I eat too much too. Join the club.” Y/N looks up, glancing at the stars. She used to wish on them every night, hoping someone would discover her, and that she might actually have a shot at making music, the thing she loves, her job. And now, here she is. Maybe dreams come true after all. “So.” Bucky begins, drawing her focus back to him. “Is there anywhere on this tour you’re most excited to go to?” 

“I don’t really know. In all honesty, this whole thing and getting to tour the country is still mind blowing to me. I’m happy to go anywhere.” Smiling, Bucky nods. 

“Yeah, I was the same when we first started out. You’ll still pinch yourself, even when you get as famous as us. And I have every faith you’ll get there.” Y/N gasps. It’s strange, how he’s so much more famous than her, and yet he still talks to her and treats her like he’s his equal. He really is one of the kindest people she knows. Her stomach twists in knots. And that’s going to make leaving him even more difficult. “I’m most excited to be back in New York, though. Even though I moved away, hometown shows are always the best.”

“You’re from New York too? Same!” Bucky smiles. Her eyes trace along Bucky’s jawline, illuminated by the streetlights. He looks so beautiful. She feels Bucky’s hand brushing against hers, and her heart rate increases.

If dreams do come true...she has an idea for a new one.

“Really? That’s awesome. You know, there’s a really great Italian restaurant I go to all the time whenever I’m there. Maybe we could go.” Y/N suppresses a laugh. She’d love that more than anything, but deep down, she knows he doesn’t really mean it. It’s just him trying to be nice. He’ll forget about her when all of this is over. They all will. And she can’t even blame them for it. Sighing, she nods.

“Yeah. That’d be nice.” 

As the tour continues, Y/N’s confidence continues to grow. Each night, she becomes more and more excited to go on stage. And in turn, she becomes more confident around the band, and spends more time with them, whether it’s writing songs together, shopping with Natasha, or hanging out with Sam and Steve. Basically, her touring life is perfect…aside from one little thorn in her side.

Bucky Barnes.

It’s not that Bucky has been horrible to her, not at all. In fact, he’s been the same kind and welcoming person he’s always been. That’s the problem. He’s so kind that it’s hard to not get close to him, or to want to spend time with him. Especially since she can already feel herself falling deeper in love with him with every passing day. Each time she has to pull away, Y/N feels terrible. 

“So.” Natasha smirks one day whilst they’re out shopping. “When are you gonna put that poor boy out of his misery?” When Y/N raises a brow, Natasha rolls her eyes. “Don’t pretend like you don’t know what I mean! Bucky is so clearly whipped for you, and you’re obviously into him. I can see it all over you.” She grins. Y/N gulps. Despite how happy she is to know that Bucky might feel the same way about her, this is the last thing she wanted to happen. 

“Nothing is going to happen Nat. And you don’t even know if that’s true.” She points out. Natasha says something in reply, but Y/N doesn’t hear it. All she can think about is how big of a problem this is, and how she’s going to have to break Bucky’s heart even more. Of course, the idea of just telling him the truth and admitting her feelings has crossed her mind a few times. Yet, despite how much she wants to do that, and to stop letting her fear and Dylan ruin her new chance at happiness…she’s too afraid to admit the truth, and to drag Bucky into her mess. Or to lose him, and be heartbroken all over again. And this time, it’ll hurt even more than it did with Dylan.

As soon as they get back, Y/N enters the bus, shutting the door behind them. She climbs into her bunk. Angrily throwing the pillow across her bunk, Y/N grabs her phone. Hopefully, scrolling through social media will make her feel better. And at first, it works as posts from her fans fill her feed. She likes and comments on a few, continuing to scroll. As Y/N reads their words, a smile grows on her face. She’s so lucky to have her fans and their support. But then, another post appears. One of her ex and her ex-best friend. Immediately, her heart sinks. They’re still together, smiling like nothing happened, acting like they haven’t left a trail of destruction in their wake and ruined her life. She’s sitting here, terrified of getting too close to Bucky and the others in case she gets hurt like that again. And the people who did it to her in the first place don't even care. They never did.

Angrily, Y/N grips her blanket, grabbing her songwriting notebook and opening it.

It’s about time she lets out her emotions.

“Is Y/N okay?” Sam asks the next morning, after they arrive in New York. “I didn’t see much of her last night, and she shut herself away as soon as we got to the venue.” Bucky furrows his brow, concern flooding his features. Y/N barely spoke to anyone, only a few words here and there. Natasha shrugs.

“She said she’s busy writing, and she doesn’t want to be disturbed. I guess we’ll find out when her new song comes out.” That makes Bucky even more concerned. He knows all about being in a deeply focused, creative headspace, and how you don’t want to speak to anyone until it’s done. But he also knows how bad it can be when you shut yourself away for so long, especially when she already looks so upset. He’ll have to check on her when he gets the chance.

Yet, the next time he sees Y/N is when she’s getting ready to go on and is in a rush. 

“Are you sure you’re alright? We were worried about you.” He asks, watching as she runs around the room, spraying hairspray and perfume everywhere. 

“Yeah, I’m good. Much better.” She insists, reapplying her lipstick in the mirror and giving herself one last check over. “Right, I gotta go. Talk soon, yeah?”

“But-” Bucky begins, cut off by Y/N placing her hand on his arm.

“Bucky, trust me. I’m okay. Bye!” And then she’s gone, leaving the scent of perfume in her wake. Despite his concern, Bucky chuckles. She sure is something. Tonight, she looks like an angel, glitter covering her lids and outfit. She looks beautiful. But she always does. This entire tour, he’s been trying to find the guts to tell her the truth about how he feels, with no luck. And the way she always turns him down or pulls away at the last second makes him think she doesn’t feel the same. Turning, Bucky follows her down towards the stage. 

Although, if she doesn’t feel the same way, he’d understand. When he gets to the side stage, Y/N is already on, in the middle of her first song. Bucky watches her as she works through her first few songs, smiling. The way she controls and interacts with the crowd is incredible, much better than he could ever do.

“Well, hello New York!” Y/N shouts into the mic, the ending of her sentence being drowned out by screams and cheers. “You guys are fucking awesome. Thank you so much!” Another round of cheering sounds, and Y/N grins, the lighting illuminating her teeth and the glitter she’s wearing. Bucky watches, smiling. “Are you guys excited for The End of The Line?” The crowd goes wild again, and Y/N laughs. “That was probably a stupid question.”

“I wanna try something new with you guys, if that’s okay.” She continues, and Bucky raises a brow. “But it means I have to tell you a story too…. Oh, I can see complete excitement on your faces, so I won’t talk too long then.” She jokes, laughing. And then, Bucky realises he’s laughing too. “So a few months ago, just before The End of The Line invited me on their tour, my boyfriend dumped me over text.” The crowd immediately starts booing, whilst Bucky raises an eyebrow. She never mentioned this. “I know! But unfortunately, it’s not just that, New York. He told me he was dumping me for one of my best friends. The same friend he was cheating on me with for the last few months of our relationship. Apparently, me playing shows was too much for him to handle, and I’d never be famous, so he had to think of his future with a girl who ‘knows what she’s doing, instead of just a bar singer’ like me.” The boos intensify, and Y/N nods, clutching a hand to her chest. “I know! At first, I let his words get to me. Look at me now, though!” The crowd cheers, and Y/N grins. “So, I put all my pain and anger into a song, and I’d like to perform it for the first time for you guys. Is that cool with you?!” The crowd goes wild, and Y/N grins, tuning her guitar. “Okay, okay! I hear you loud and clear. If you’ve ever had to deal with a shitty person in your life, I hope this song speaks to you as much as it does to me…and that you tell them to go fuck themselves.” She smirks, and Bucky laughs. “This song is called Letting You Down.” 

As the song plays, Y/N sings with more passion and fury than Bucky has ever seen. She controls the crowd masterfully, having them hanging onto every word she sings. For only just starting out, she really is a natural. Yet, her admission replays through his mind. Hearing how poorly she was treated infuriates him. Y/N’s such a talented and good-hearted person, and she doesn’t deserve that. Her ex obviously has no idea what he’s talking about. Although going through all that may explain why she’s been pulling away from him so much, and so nervous about being on tour. Y/N needs to know how talented and loved she is. And if she doesn’t, he’ll tell her every day.  

After Y/N’s set, Bucky waits in the green room for her. When she walks in and sees Bucky sitting there, her eyes widen. “Aren’t you meant to be on stage in like five minutes?” She frowns. Bucky shakes his head.

“That’s not important right now. I need to talk to you.” Her face falls.

“You heard, didn’t you?” He hates how small and ashamed her voice sounds, like he’d be mad at her for admitting the truth. Bucky nods, stepping closer.

“I did, listen Y/N, I-”

“Buck, come on, we have to go!” Steve calls, poking his head through the door. Bucky doesn’t even care. He just wants to be with Y/N. “Buck!” Steve repeats.

“You need to go!” Y/N insists.

“But-”

“Bucky. Go. I’ll talk to you later, okay?” She promises, gently pushing him towards the door.

Throughout the entirety of their set, all Bucky can do is think of Y/N, and the things he needs to say to her. Things he’s wanted to say to her from the beginning. The second their set is finished, Bucky runs backstage. Y/N sits in the green room, anxiously fiddling with her thumbs. 

“Y/N.” He smiles, breathless. She looks up at him, her face falling. Bucky’s heart sinks. He hates seeing her so upset. “Can I sit?” She nods. “Y/N, I-”

“Look Bucky.” She sighs, finally cutting him off. “You’re incredibly sweet and all, but I just can’t commit to a relationship right now.” She sighs. “You heard the story about my heartbreak, right?” He nods. “Well, I can’t put myself through that pain again. I can’t give my all to somebody and receive nothing in return, I’m sorry.”

“Y/N, he sounds like a dick. And I promise you, not everyone is like that.” 

“It’s not just that.” She murmurs, staring down at the ground. “I know you’re a good person, Bucky. Fuck, I see it in you every day. You’re one of the sweetest guys I know, and I don’t want to think you’d ever hurt me like that. That’s why I’ve been pulling away from you, so neither of us get hurt. Yet, I hurt us both. Honestly, I think I’ve been in love with you ever since we met, and I do want to be with you. But what happens when this tour is over? When the fairytale is over, and we go back to our normal lives, whatever they are now? Sure, we’re musicians, but we come from two totally different worlds. And I don’t fit into your world.” She sighs. Bucky raises a brow, shuffling closer towards her. “Maybe Dylan’s right. Maybe I am just a bar singer.” Bucky gets up from his seat, kneeling in front of her. He takes her hands in his, rubbing his thumbs along her knuckles.

“Y/N. You are one of the most beautiful and talented people I’ve ever met. We could only dream of being able to control and entertain a crowd like you can. Especially tonight!” He insists. “And besides, there’s nothing wrong with being a bar singer, especially when they’re as good as you. Your ex has no idea what the fuck he’s talking about.” As she gazes into Bucky’s eyes, Y/N feels tears building in her own. 

“I want to be with you more than anything. I just can’t. I can’t risk being hurt again.” She whispers. Bucky feels his heart breaking, but he knows he can’t force her to do anything. And so, he nods.

Suddenly, the door opens, and Natasha pops her head in. At first, Bucky expects her to say something about how they’re going out for dinner or something. Yet, as soon as she sees the serious look on Natasha’s face, Y/N frowns. “Nat? What’s going on?”

“Y/N, there’s someone here to see you. He insists he knows you, and even tried to bribe our door staff to let him into the venue. Says he won’t go until you hear him out.” Immediately, Bucky tenses from beside her, and Y/N’s stomach drops. 

“Did he leave a name?” But she knows who it is before Natasha even confirms it.

“It’s Dylan.” Her entire body goes stiff. It feels like someone dumped a whole bucket of ice cold water all over her, plunging her into a horrible nightmare. 

“Wait, Dylan as in ‘Letting You Down’ Dylan? Your ex who treated you like shit?” Bucky asks, and Y/N nods, still numb. “Where is he?”

“He’s in the dressing room. The guys just shoved him in there.” 

“Oh, fuck.” Y/N hisses, already beginning to feel herself hyperventilate. 

“Y/N, we can tell him to go.” Bucky offers. To his surprise, Y/N shakes her head.

“No. I need to do this. I need to tell him myself.” She gulps. Bucky can tell she’s absolutely terrified. “I might need some moral support, though.” She admits, her eyes glancing down at the floor. Bucky finds her hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

“Of course.” He whispers.

When Y/N and the rest of the band enter the room, Dylan turns around. As soon as he sees Y/N, he grins. Immediately, Bucky hates him. His grin looks smug, and the way he looks at Y/N makes him feel sick. If he could, he’d punch that asshole right in his smug fucking face.

“What the hell are you doing here?” She gasps.

“Wow, I just didn’t realise you were serious about this whole thing!” Dylan muses, looking around the room. “When I saw you online and on TV, I knew I had to come see you…and talk about what happened. Tell you what, why don’t we go get some drinks or some dinner, and we can just…talk it out?” Dylan whispers, reaching out to stroke her arm. The same way he used to when he was trying to get back on her good side, hoping she’d ignore all the cruel things he’d say about her and her career. Reflexively, Y/N steps back, away from him.

“Oh, so you only care about her once she’s getting more attention?” Bucky demands, earning a sharp jab in the ribs from Natasha.

“Bucky.” she hisses.

“What? He doesn’t give a shit about her or her career at first, but when he sees how popular she is and how he’s probably being blasted all over social media for rightfully being called out, he suddenly cares?” Dylan scoffs, rolling his eyes. 

“Buddy, this doesn’t concern you.” Y/N’s heart sinks. Bucky’s right. Dylan doesn’t care about her at all. He’s only here to save his ass.

“Actually, it concerns all of us, buddy. We’re her friends, and we actually give a shit about her, unlike you.” Bucky snaps back.

“Can we have some alone time now?” Dylan asks, his eyes narrowing as he looks at Bucky. For a moment, Y/N almost says yes, wanting to just get rid of him as soon as possible with no further trouble. That is, however, until she glances back, ready to tell the band to do as he asks. The entire band looks pissed off, but Bucky is seething. He stands with his arms folded as he glares at Dylan. They’re the ones who care about her and her career. Not Dylan. And then, Y/N realises what she has to do. 

“No. They stay.” She states. Dylan’s brows furrow. 

“But Y/N, sweetie-”

“Don’t call me that. You lost the right to call me that a long time ago. And you have no right to come here unannounced and start making demands, especially after what you did. I want them here, so they’re staying.” She folds her arms. “Now. What do you want?” When he sees he isn’t getting his way, Dylan splutters.

“I just don’t see why you had to make such a big deal out of it, that’s all! And besides, I was just thinking about calling you before I heard the song, anyway. It would be nice to talk again.”

“Oh, you were, were you? Well, you sure have impeccable timing, don’t you? And besides, I know that’s a lie because as far as I know, you were with your girlfriend last night. Have you told her you want to start talking to me again?” 

“Y/N, come on, don’t be like that. I’m trying to apologise. You always were so dramatic. It’s obvious I didn’t mean everything I said.”

“And yet ‘sorry’ isn’t the first word that came out of your mouth.” She hears sniggering in the background, which only spurs her on further. “And it’s not being dramatic. It’s called standing up for yourself and realising that you’ve treated me like shit for as long as I can remember, and I’m tired of it. If you think I’m coming back to you so you can do it again, you’re dumber than I thought you were. So, you can take your apology and shove it up your ass.” Dylan’s eyes widen, and he splutters again. In a way, it’s funny seeing the man who treated her like shit be unable to handle her sticking up for herself. “Now, go.”

“I’d advise you listen to her and fuck off before we call security. Trust us, you don’t want that.” Sam warns. Dylan tries to argue back, but when he sees he isn’t getting anywhere, he groans, beginning to leave.

“Bitch.” He murmurs as he walks by. Bucky, Sam and Steve follow him out, making sure he leaves while Natasha stays with Y/N. 

“That was incredible! You really gave that asshole what he deserved.” She grins. Y/N doesn’t feel incredible though. In fact, she feels like shit. After being on such a high from the concert and finally letting her emotions out in song, suddenly being confronted with Dylan and being reminded of just how little he cares about her is breaking her all over again. Her bottom lip trembles and her vision blurs. Shit.

“I’m sorry Nat, I-I have to go. I’ll be on the bus if you need me. I just. I need to be alone.” She stammers, her words coming out in a rush. She doesn’t even give Natasha time to reply before she hurriedly leaves the venue and climbs back onto the bus, crawling into her bunk and huddling into the corner. As soon as she knows it’s safe, her tears are unleashed, and she shakes as tears stream down her cheeks. She wraps her blanket around her, hoping it hides her from the world.

Y/N lays there for what feels like hours until the door to the bus opens again. “Who is it?” She calls, her voice croaky. 

“It’s just me.” Bucky replies. As soon as she hears his voice, it feels like a weight has been lifted off of Y/N’s shoulders, and she lets out a breath of relief. “I know you said you want to be alone, but we just want to make sure that you’re okay.” She turns around, looking into the pair of blue eyes she knows so well. The pair belonging to the man she loves. When he sees her tear-stained face, Bucky sighs. “Oh, Y/N.” She holds out her arms, and without another word, Bucky climbs in beside her, wrapping his tattooed arms around her still shaking form. 

He lets her cry into his chest for as long as she needs, rubbing her back and whispering comforting words into her ear. “It’s okay. He’s gone. We got rid of him.”

“I’m sorry.” She hiccups. Bucky looks down at her, frowning.

“Y/N, you have nothing to be sorry for.” Yet, she sniffles, nodding.

“I do. I care about you so much. You’re so kind to me, and I’d love to be with you. In all honesty, it’s all I’ve ever wanted. But I ruined everything between us because of him.”

“You haven’t ruined anything, sweetheart.” Bucky soothes. “You’ve been through a lot, and nobody would judge you for being wary about dating again.” He kisses her head, his stubble lightly grazing her skin. Y/N feels that same flutter in her stomach again, this time amplified. He finds her hand again, intertwining his calloused fingers with hers once more. He brings her hand to his lips, kissing it softly. “It’s going to be big and scary, but we can take things as slow as you want. All I want is for you to be happy and comfortable.” And as she looks back up at him, Y/N realises that he’s right. Maybe she shouldn’t be scared, and actually let herself be happy again, with someone like Bucky.

“Okay.” She nods. Bucky smiles, softly kissing her on the lips. 

“How about I take you out tomorrow? Properly.”

“Where do you wanna go?” Bucky smiles, chuckling slightly.

“Well, we’re in New York, aren’t we? Like I said…I know a restaurant.”

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[bobmckenzie]

Fake Dating -> JanAUary

word count: 1294

blurb: Caitie helps Bob out when he almost gets caught in a lie.

Apparently a hockey game wasn’t many people’s ideal Valentine’s Day date—last minute tickets had been cheap enough that the singles trio of Bob, Doug, and Caitie were able to score three decent seats to the Maple Leafs game. 

Doug had convinced them that snacks wouldn’t be so cheap though, and that they could smuggle in some small bags rather than pay for food inside the stadium. So they took a trip to the grocery store the day before, perusing the aisles for bags of treats small enough to sneak in.

Doug went off to the chip aisle while Caitie followed Bob to the candy, but she left a minute or two ago to check out the trail mix, leaving him alone to look over the little bags of sweets. He was so distracted he didn’t notice the sound of footsteps approaching him in the empty aisle.

“McKenzie.” The voice of the greeting made Bob’s back go rigid, had him turning around with a startled glare. 

It was Sean LaDue, a general bully growing up who had turned into the strongest player on the rivaling town's hockey team, followed by his younger brother. Sean had slammed Bob against the glass more times than he could count, but even that was less annoying than the general condescension he always used.

Sean nodded to the gummy bears in Bob’s hand. “You eat that crap between games, it’s no wonder you play so badly.”

“Oh yeah?” Bob put on his best tough guy voice as he looked up at Sean. “So like, why are you in the candy aisle then, eh?” 

Sean held up a pink bag of mixed chocolates with a smug look. “Tomorrow’s Valentine’s Day, these are for my girlfriend.” He let out a snort of laughter. “I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess you don’t have any plans for tomorrow.” 

“Well, like, you’re wrong, eh. Goin’ to the Leafs game.”

“Plans with that idiot brother of yours don’t count.”

“Doug isn’t no idiot, and it isn’t just us two, eh. ‘Cause like, my girlfriend’s comin’ along too.” It was a stupid thing to say, but the lie he wished was truth slipped out before he could stop it.

“Oh yeah?” Sean’s eyes narrowed. “What’s your girlfriend’s name?”

He knew he shouldn’t say it, knew he should back out of the lie, tell Sean she wasn’t technically his girlfriend… “Caitie.”

“Uh huh. I’ll bet she even came with an air pump to blow her up for you and everything.”

“Take off.” Bob sneered. He saw Sean’s gaze shift behind him and turned to see Caitie coming back down the aisle, stopping right next to Bob, oblivious to the whole situation.

“Would you eat honey roasted peanuts?” she asked him, showing him the box of little packets she brought with her. ��They don’t sell them individually, so I won’t get ‘em if you guys don’t want any.”

“Um,” His gaze flicked to Sean, who was watching them doubtfully. “I… yeah. I like those. Let’s go, huh?”

She laughed. “I didn’t get to look at the candy. Besides, I told Doug to meet us in this aisle.”

Sean stepped a little closer. “What, McKenzie, you’re not gonna introduce me?”

Caitie’s eyes widened a little, looking between the two men, clearly realizing she’d missed something.

His stomach dropped; the jig was no doubt up. “Yeah, um,” Bob gestured to Sean, “Caitie, this is Sean LaDue. We went to school together and stuff.” He was sure she’d remember the name from the few stories he’d told her about him—she was good with things like that. Sure enough, he saw the surprise in her eyes turn into a poorly-hidden scowl. “Sean, this is Caitie—”

“The girlfriend.” Sean nodded. “Bob was just telling me about you.”

Caitie looked at Bob, seemingly waiting for him to step in, to correct the title. But all he did was look up at her with pleading eyes, trying to silently apologize and ask her not to humiliate him all at once.

Still, it was a lot to ask. He was pretty sure she wouldn’t want to go along with it, wouldn’t want to risk word getting around that they were dating—

“Oh, he was?” The words were simple, but the way she sidled closer to Bob, slinking an arm around his waist, said more than he could’ve asked for. His face warmed as she gently tugged him closer, urging him to relax against her side. His face was so warm, he was sure it was going red.

The smug look of Sean’s finally fell. “Yeah. Didn’t know he had a girlfriend.” He cleared his throat, straightening a little as Bob wrapped his arm around Caitie. “Some romantic valentine’s date he’s taking you on. A hockey game with his brother?”

Caitie laughed. “Oh, well… not that I’d mind, but that’s not our date. We’re going to dinner in the city in the evening.” She looked down at Bob with a soft smile. “He even bought me a dress and everything.” She raised a shoulder, turning back to Sean. “I told him not to, but he’s always spoiling me.”

If Bob wasn’t already in love with her, he would’ve fallen right then and there in the candy aisle. Not only was she going along with his lie, but she was making him look like the best boyfriend around. 

He smiled, trying not to gloat. “Well hey, only the best for my girl, eh.” 

The look she gave him told him she was having fun with all of this, that she knew exactly how good it felt for him to rub their perfect relationship in Sean’s face, whether it was real or not. “You’re always using that excuse,” she said, leaning down and pressing a short, warm kiss against his cheek. His heart skipped in his chest, breath catching. He swore he could feel her lips there even after they were gone.

“Well… Nice meeting you. See you at the next game, McKenzie.” Sean nodded a goodbye, sending one last skeptical look at Caitie before turning around and leaving the aisle.

For once in his life, Bob felt like he'd had a conversation with a LaDue without coming out on the losing end. His cheek still tingling, he let his arm fall from around her, though he wanted to pull her into a hug. “Thanks, eh. You like, didn’t have to do that—it was real nice of you.”

She laughed softly, reaching out to brush her thumb against his cheek—her lipstick must’ve left a stain behind, he realized. Part of him wanted to tell her just to leave it. “You don’t think the kiss was overkill?”

He shook his head. If anything, he wished she’d just gone ahead and kissed him on the lips. “Sorry I told him we was datin’. I wasn’t thinkin’—he was just bein’ such a hose.”

Caitie shrugged, smiling as she finished cleaning his face. “I don’t mind. Though, I think you’re a little out of my league.”

He thought she was being sarcastic until he noticed the soft look in her eyes. Before he could say anything, her gaze shifted, eyes widening, urging him to turn and see what had her so stunned. 

It was Doug, of course, walking into the aisle with arms filled with bags of chips that were far too big for sneaking anywhere, and a pint of ice cream to top it all off. As Caitie burst into laughter and headed over to help him, asking how exactly he was planning to hide a family sized bag of Funyuns in his flannel, Bob stayed back for a moment, promising that someday he’d get the nerve to ask if that meant she’d give him a chance as a real boyfriend.

[onenakedfarmer]

REN “Hi Ren”

Hi there Ren, it's been a little while, did you miss me? You thought you'd buried me, didn't you? Risky 'Cause I always come back, deep down, you know that Deep down, you know I'm always in the periphery

Ren, aren't you pleased to see me? It's been weeks since we spoke bro, I know you need me You're the sheep, I'm the shepherd, not your place to lead me Not your place to be biting off the hand that feeds me

Hi Ren, I've been taking some time to be distant I've been taking some time to be still I've been taking some time to be by myself Since my therapist told me I'm ill

And I've been making some progress lately And I've learnt some new coping skills So I haven't really needed you much, man I think we need to just step back and chill

Ren, you sound more insane than I do You think that those doctors are really there to guide you? You've been through this a million times Your civilian mind is so perfect at always being lied to

Okay, take another pill boy Drown yourself in the sound of white noise Follow this ten-step program, rejoice All your problems will be gone! Fuckin' dumb boy

Nah, mate, this time it's different, man, trust me I feel like things might be falling in place And my music's been kinda doing bits too Like I actually might do something great

And when I'm gone, maybe I'll be remembered For doing something special with myself That's why I don't think that we should talk, man 'Cause when you're with me, it never seems to help

You think that you can amputate me? I am you, you are me, you are I, I am we We are one, split in two that makes one, so you see You got to kill you if you wanna kill me

I'm not left over dinner, I'm not scraps on the side Oh, your music is thriving? Delusional guy Where's your top ten hit? Where's your interview with Oprah? Where are your Grammies, Ren? Nowhere!

Yeah, but, my music's not commercial like that I never chased numbers, statistics or stats I never write hooks for the radio, they never even play me So why would I concern myself with that? But my music is really connecting And the people who find it, respect it And for me, that's enough 'cause this life's been tough So it gives me a purpose I can rest in

Man, you sound so pretentious Ren, your music is so self-centred No one wants to hear another song about How much you hate yourself, trust me You should be so lucky, having me inside you to guide you Remind you to manage expectations Provide you perspective, that thing you neglected, I get it You wanna be a big deal, next Jimi Hendrix? Forget it

Man, it's not like that Man it's just like that, I'm inside you, you twat No, it's not man, you're wrong, when I write, I belong Let me break the fourth wall by acknowledging this song

Ren sits down, has a stroke of genius He wants to write a song that was not done previous A battle with his subconscious, Eminem did it Played on guitar, Plan B did it

Man, you're not original, you criminal, rip-off artist The pinnacle of your success is stealing other people's material Ren, mate, we've heard it all before Uh, "she sells seashells on the sea shore"

Fuck you, I don't need you, I don't need to hear this 'Cause I'm fine by myself, I'ma genius And I will be great, and I will make waves And I'll shake up the whole world beneath us

That's right, speak your truth, your fuckin' God complex leaks out of you It's refreshing to actually hear you say it instead of downplay it "Ugh, music Is all about the creative process and if people can find Something to relate to within that, then that's just a bonus"

Fuck you, I'ma fuckin' kill you, Ren Well fuckin' kill me then, let's fuckin' have you Ren I'm a do it, watch me prove it, who are you to doubt my music? 'Cause I call the shots. I choose if you die Yeah, I call the shots, and so I who choose who survives I'll tie you up in knots when I'll lock you inside

News flash I was created at the dawn of creation I am temptation, I am the snake in Eden I am the reason for treason, beheading all Kings I am sin with no rhyme or reason Sun of the morning, Lucifer, antichrist Father of lies, Mephistopheles Truth in a blender, deceitful pretender The banished avenger, the righteous surrender

When standing in-front of my solar eclipse My name it is stitched to your lips, so, you see I won't bow to the will of a mortal, feeble and normal You wanna kill me? I'm enteral, immortal I live in every decision that catalysed chaos That causes division I live inside death, the beginning of ends I am you, you are me, I am you, Ren

Hi Ren, I've been taking some time to be distant I've been taking some time to be still I've been taking some time to be by myself And I've spent half my life ill

But just as sure as the tide starts turning Just as sure as the night has dawn Just as sure as rainfall soon runs dry When you stand in an eye of the storm

I was made to be tested and twisted I was made to be broken and beat I was made by His hand, it's all part of His plan That I stand on my own two feet And you know me, my will is eternal And you know me, you've met me before Face to with a beast, I will rise from the east And I'll settle on the ocean floor

And I go by many names also Some people know me as "hope" Some people know me as the voice that you hear When you loosen the noose on the rope And you know how I know how I know that I'll prosper? 'Cause I stand here beside you today I have stood in the flames that cremated my brain And I didn't once flinch or shake

So cower at the man I've become, when I sing from the top of my lungs That I won't retire, I'll stand in your fire, inspire the weak to be strong And when I am gone, I will rise, in the music that I left behind Ferocious persistent, immortal like you, we're a coin with two different sides

When I was 17 years old, I shouted out into an empty room Into a blank canvas, that I would defeat the forces of evil And for the next 10 years of my life, I suffered the consequences With autoimmunity, illness, and psychosis

As I got older, I realised that there were no real winners And there were no real losers in physiological warfare But there were victims and there were students It wasn't David versus Goliath, it was a pendulum Eternally swayin' from the dark to the light And the more intensely that the light shone, the darker the shadow it cast

It was never really a battle for me to win, it was an eternal dance And like a dance, the more rigid I became, the harder it got The more I cursed my clumsy footsteps, the more I struggled So I got older and I learned to relax And I learned to soften and that dance got easier

It is this eternal dance that separates human beings From angels, from demons, from gods And I must not forget, we must not forget That we are human beings

[uglierdaikon]

I've decided this is going to be a tradition now so here's

My favorite books I read in 2023

(in no particular order)

"Siren Queen" by Nghi Vo

this book is so fucking cool. I said this list is in no particular order but this is without a doubt my favorite book I read this year. This book takes place in a fantasy version of Hollywood in roughly the 1920s-1940s. It has everything: deals with shady nonhuman creatures, fantasy violence, old Hollywood glamour, lesbians. What else do you need? Genuinely the most unique worldbuilding for a fantasy story I've ever seen. Please, if you only take one recommendation from me ever, take this one. The audiobook SLAPS also.

"The Empress of Salt and Fortune" by Nghi Vo

Shoutout to Nghi Vo because I genuinely didn't even realize both of these books were by the same author. Queen. Anyways. So you know how the movie Titanic is told through the lens of people hearing the story from Rose as an old woman? Similar set up but also not similar at all. A sort of nun/monk person on a mission of historical and anthropological chronicling comes to the long abandoned residence where a recently deceased empress once lived in exile. There, they meet the empress' personal maid. As the main character (I can't remember the name off the top of my head, sorry) goes through and archives artifacts from the home, they get to hear stories of the empress' early life in their kingdom as well as her time in exile leading up to her rise to power. I'm not selling this well but it's REALLY good and a very quick read.

"And Then There Were None" by Agatha Christie

She's the queen of mystery for a fucking reason!!! This was apparently the year of Nghi Vo and Agatha Christie because Queen Agatha was the other author that just dominated my reading list. Anyways, the set up of this is that 10 people are lured to a mansion on a remote island and start getting killed off. I had a lot of fun trying to figure out who among them was The Killer (even though I ultimately failed to get it right).

"I'm Glad My Mom Died" by Jennette McCurdy

Look. Reading and loving this book in the year 2023 is not a unique experience. This book is a tough read in that a lot of really terrible things have happened to her, but I (like everyone else who's read it) need to give her a lot of props for her skill, frankness, and humor about writing this book, as well as just her strength for getting through all that. Go Jennette!

"Demon Copperhead" by Barbara Kingsolver

Reading and loving Demon Copperhead in 2023 is ALSO not a unique experience. It won awards for a reason. But I liked it so it goes on the list This is a modern take on David Copperfield that follows a boy from the Appalachians as he grows up in the foster system (and through the opioid crisis). I know that sounds bleak, but he's a character that you really wanna follow and root for, even at his lowest. It's a LONG book, but well worth every page in my opinion.

"The Monster of Florence" by Douglas Preston and Mario Spezi

One of the authors got kicked out of Italy for writing this book! Doesn't that already catch your interest???

Anyways, this is a nonfiction book. Half of it chronicles the twists and turns in the investigation of the still-unsolved Monster of Florence serial killer case (which is. Horrifying. To give fair warning). But it also delves into the corruption and mismanagement of the Florence police department, culminating in a frame job intended to make the authors keep their mouths shut about this case. It's definitely a creepy case, so if you don't have much of a stomach for true crime I'd skip this one, but I could not put this book down (figuratively - I listened to the audiobook, lol). I went on runs solely so that I would have more time to listen to it some days.

That concludes this list of 2023 book recommendations. Hope y'all enjoyed! See you again this time next year.

[thedragonscratch]

Hi there Ren, it's been a little while, did you miss me?

You thought you'd buried me, didn't you? Risky

'Cause I always come back, deep down, you know that

Deep down, you know I'm always in the periphery

Ren, aren't you pleased to see me?

It's been weeks since we spoke bro, I know you need me

You're the sheep, I'm the shepherd, not your place to lead me

Not your place to be biting off the hand that feeds me

Hi Ren, I've been taking some time to be distant

I've been taking some time to be still

I've been taking some time to be by myself

Since my therapist told me I'm ill

And I've been making some progress lately

And I've learnt some new coping skills

So I haven't really needed you much, man

I think we need to just step back and chill

Ren, you sound more insane than I do

You think that those doctors are really there to guide you?

You've been through this a million times

Your civilian mind is so perfect at always being lied to

Okay, take another pill boy

Drown yourself in the sound of white noise

Follow this ten-step program, rejoice

All your problems will be gone! Fuckin' dumb boy

Nah, mate, this time it's different, man, trust me

I feel like things might be falling in place

And my music's been kinda doing bits too

Like I actually might do something great

And when I'm gone, maybe I'll be remembered

For doing something special with myself

That's why I don't think that we should talk, man

'Cause when you're with me, it never seems to help

You think that you can amputate me?

I am you, you are me, you are I, I am we

We are one, split in two that makes one, so you see

You got to kill you if you wanna kill me

I'm not left over dinner, I'm not scraps on the side

Oh, your music is thriving? Delusional guy

Where's your top ten hit? Where's your interview with Oprah?

Where are your Grammies, Ren? Nowhere!

Yeah but, my music's not commercial like that

I never chased numbers, statistics or stats

I never write hooks for the radio, they never even play me

So why would I concern myself with that?

But my music is really connecting

And the people who find it, respect it

And for me, that's enough 'cause this life's been tough

So it gives me a purpose I can rest in

Man, you sound so pretentious

Ren, your music is so self-centred

No one wants to hear another song about

How much you hate yourself, trust me

You should be so lucky, having me inside you to guide you

Remind you to manage expectations

Provide you perspective, that thing you neglected, I get it

You wanna be a big deal, next Jimi Hendrix? Forget it

Man, it's not like that

Man it's just like that, I'm inside you, you twat

No, it's not man, you're wrong, when I write, I belong

Let me break the fourth wall by acknowledging this song

Ren sits down, has a stroke of genius

He wants to write a song that was not done previous

A battle with his subconscious, Eminem did it

Played on guitar, Plan B did it

Man, you're not original, you criminal, rip-off artist

The pinnacle of your success is stealing other people's material

Ren, mate, we've heard it all before

Uh, "she sells seashells on the sea shore"

Fuck you, I don't need you, I don't need to hear this

'Cause I'm fine by myself, I'ma genius

And I will be great, and I will make waves

And I'll shake up the whole world beneath us

That's right, speak your truth, your fuckin' God complex leaks out of you

It's refreshing to actually hear you say it instead of downplay it

"Ugh, music Is all about the creative process and if people can find

Something to relate to within that, then that's just a bonus"

Fuck you, I'ma fuckin' kill you, Ren

Well fuckin' kill me then, let's fuckin' have you Ren

I'm a do it, watch me prove it, who are you to doubt my music?

'Cause I call the shots. I choose if you die

Yeah, I call the shots, and so I who choose who survives

I'll tie you up in knots when I'll lock you inside

News flash

I was created at the dawn of creation

I am temptation, I am the snake in Eden

I am the reason for treason, beheading all Kings

I am sin with no rhyme or reason

Sun of the morning, Lucifer, antichrist

Father of lies, Mestophilies

Truth in a blender, deceitful pretender

The banished avenger, the righteous surrender

When standing in-front of my solar eclipse

My name it is stitched to your lips, so, you see

I won't bow to the will of a mortal, feeble and normal

You wanna kill me? I'm enteral, immortal

I live in every decision that catalysed chaos

That causes division

I live inside death, the beginning of ends

I am you, you are me, I am you, Ren

Hi Ren, I've been taking some time to be distant

I've been taking some time to be still

I've been taking some time to be by myself

And I've spent half my life ill

But just as sure as the tide starts turning

Just as sure as the night has dawn

Just as sure as rainfall soon runs dry

When you stand in an eye of the storm

I was made to be tested and twisted

I was made to be broken and beat

I was made by His hand, it's all part of His plan

That I stand on my own two feet

And you know me, my will is eternal

And you know me, you've met me before

Face to with a beast, I will rise from the east

And I'll settle on the ocean floor

And I go by many names also

Some people know me as "hope"

Some people know me as the voice that you hear

When you loosen the noose on the rope

And you know how I know how I know that I'll prosper?

'Cause I stand here beside you today

I have stood in the flames that cremated my brain

And I didn't once flinch or shake

So cower at the man I've become, when I sing from the top of my lungs

That I won't retire, I'll stand in your fire, inspire the weak to be strong

And when I am gone, I will rise, in the music that I left behind

Ferocious persistent, immortal like you, we're a coin with two different sides

When I was 17 years old, I shouted out into an empty room

Into a blank canvas, that I would defeat the forces of evil

And for the next 10 years of my life, I suffered the consequences

With autoimmunity, illness, and psychosis

As I got older, I realised that there were no real winners

And there were no real losers in physiological warfare

But there were victims and there were students

It wasn't David versus Goliath, it was a pendulum

Eternally swayin' from the dark to the light

And the more intensely that the light shone, the darker the shadow it cast

It was never really a battle for me to win, it was an eternal dance

And like a dance, the more rigid I became, the harder it got

The more I cursed my clumsy footsteps, the more I struggled

So I got older and I learned to relax

And I learned to soften and that dance got easier

It is this eternal dance that separates human beings

From angels, from demons, from gods

And I must not forget, we must not forget

That we are human beings

[blueeyesfilledwithpassion]

HI REN 🎶

By Artist Ren.

Hi there Ren  Its been a little while,  Did you miss me?  You thought you'd buried me, didn't you? Risky...  Because I always come back  Deep down you know that...  Deep down you know I'm always in periphery  Ren aren't you pleased to see me?  It's been weeks since we spoke bro, you know you need me  You're the sheep, I'm the shepherd  Not your place to lead me  Not your place to be biting off the hand that feeds me

Hi Ren  I've been taking some time to be distant  I've been taking some time to be still  I've been taking some time to be by myself  Since my therapist told me I'm ill  I've been making some progress lately,  And I've learnt some new coping skills  So I haven't really needed you much man  I think we need to just step back and chill

Ren, you sound more insane than I do  You think that those doctors are really there to guide you?  Been through this a million times  Your civilian mind is so perfect at always being lied to  Okay, take another pill boy  Drown yourself in the sound of white noise  Follow this 10 step program, rejoice!  All your problems will be gone! Fucking dumb boy

Nah mate, this time it's different man trust me  I feel like things might be falling in place  And my music's been kinda doing bits too  Like I actually might do something great  And when I'm gone maybe I'll be remembered  For doing something special with myself  That's why I don't think that we should talk man  Cause when your with me it never seems to help

You think that you can amputate me?  I am you, you are me, you are I, I am we  We are one, split in two that makes one so you see  You got to kill you if you wanna kill me.  I'm not left over dinner, I'm not scraps on the side,  Oh your music is thriving? Delusional guy!  Where's your top ten hit? Where's your interview with Oprah?  Where are your grammies Ren?  Nowhere!

Yeah but, my music's not commercial like that  I never chased numbers, statistics or stats  I Never write hooks for the radio, they never even play me  So why would I concern myself with that?  But my music is really connecting,  And the people who find it respect it,  And for me that's enough 'cause this life's been tough  So it gives me a purpose I can rest in

Man you sound so pretentious!  Ren your music is so self centred,  No one wants to hear another song about  How much you hate yourself... trust me  You should be so lucky having me inside you to guide you,  Remind you to manage expectations,  Provide you perspective, that thing you neglected, I get it  You wana be a big deal... Next jimi hendrix? forget it

Man it's not like that

Man it's just like that I'm inside you you twat

Nah it's not man your wrong, when I write I belong

Let me break the fourth wall by acknowledging this song  Ren sits down,  Has a stroke of genius,  He wants to write a song that was not done previous  A battle with his subconscious...  Eminem did it

Played on guitar

Plan B did it  Man your not original you criminal, rip off artist,  The pinnacle of your success is stealing other people's material  Ren mate we've heard it all before  Ohh "she sell sea shells on the sea shore"

Fuck you I don't need you, I don't need to hear this,  Cause I'm fine by myself, I'm a genius!  And I will be great, and I will make waves  And I'll shake up the whole world beneath us

That's right speak your truth,  Your fucking god complex leaks out of you  It's refreshing to actually hear you say it!  In stead of down play it...  "Oh the music Is all about the creative process  And if people can find something to relate to  Within that then that's just a bonus"

Fuck you ima fucking kill you Ren

Well fucking kill me then  Let's fucking have you Ren

I'm a do it, watch me prove it, who are you to doubt my music?  'Cause I call the shots I choose if you die  Yeah I call the shots and so i who choose who survives  I'll tie you up in knots then I'll lock you inside

News flash...  I was created at the dawn of creation,  I am temptation  I am the snake in Eden,  I am the reason for treason  Beheading all Kings,  I am sin with no rhyme or reason,  Sun of the morning, Lucifer,  Antichrist, father of lies,  Mestophilies,  Truth in a blender,  Deceitful pretender,  The Banished avenger,  The righteous surrender  When standing in-front of my solar eclipse,  My name it is stitched to your lips so see  I won't bow to the will of a mortal, feeble and normal  You wana kill me? I'm enteral, immortal  I live in every decision that catalysed chaos  That causes division  I live inside death, the beginning of ends  I am you, you are me, I am you Ren

Hi Ren... I've been taking some time to be distant,  I've been taking some time to be still  I've been taking some time to be by myself  And I've spent half my life ill  But just as sure as the tide start turning  Just as sure as the night has dawn  Just as sure as rain fall soon runs dry  When you stand in the eye of the storm

I was made to be tested and twisted  I was made to be broken and beat  And you know me my will is eternal  And you know me you've met Me before  Face to with a beast I will rise from the east  And I'll settle on the ocean floor  And I go by many names also  Some people know me as hope  Some people know me as the voice that you hear  When u loosen the noose on the rope  And you know how I know how I know that I'll prosper?  Because I stand here beside you today  I have stood in the flames that cremated my brain  And I didn't once flinch or shake  So cower at the man I've become  When I sing from the top of my lungs  That I won't retire I'll stand in your fire  Inspire the weak to be strong  And when I am gone I will rise  In the music that I left behind  Ferocious persistent, immortal like you  We're a coin with two different sides

[chitrolls]

I have no idea how to format this. Putting it into a post instead of an ask felt like the right thing because this turned out way longer than I thought it would. Thank you, @spectrology for the ask! I look forward to answering all the rest. This is really helping me knock some dust off. :)

CONTENT WARNINGS: Nightmares, mention of children in extreme poverty, immolation, and implied canon-compliant body horror that comes from being shoved in a helm, but nothing gory or detailed; just mention of the fear of it.

Running Delphi Electronics was a daymare in the early nights. It didn’t take long for word to get around that there’s a legitimate clairvoyant living around the Stacks and not another one of those boring psychics that flipped some cards and told people to think inwards. Things got so busy that you, Almaaz, and Lovelace (still only going by Rhiana at the time) went down to the old space docks to steal a bench. With things getting so busy, a bench was the only thing between you, your employees, your customers, and a fire code violation. One of the downsides of a combination psychic-electronics repair shop.

Now that you’ve long wizened up and keep your readings on an appointment-only basis, the bench doesn’t get the same traffic it used to. Sometimes the girls and Eli meet out there for their lunch. Or maybe you condemn Tyckho to the bench to keep him from ragequitting when he’s got to clean a spectacularly disgusting PC casing. Even you like to stretch out your long legs and have a quick smoke of herbs and dry mind honey when you feel like you’ve got enough privacy.

Tonight, you’ve got some gutter rat from Grub Town stuffing their face with a couple grilled cheeses. There’s no doubt Amoura is to blame for this. A Glossolalia lifer herself, she grew up in Grub Town until you took her in and gave her a job selling trinkets and oddities at your shop. Seeing scrawny wrigglers running around always gets her upset. Not being able to take it anymore, she put a bunch of sandwich shit in the break room fridge and bought a sandwich press. Kids quite literally started crawling up out of the sewers. It wouldn’t be so bad if they, at the very least, weren’t so sneaky about it.

Your loiterer stares up at you with this massive pair of gray eyes that say they aren’t afraid of you. Even as you take a seat on the far end of the bench, they continue to enjoy their sandwiches. You kind of recognize them through the grime and melted cheese. They know you aren’t a threat, but kids around here know they have to put on some kind of a tough front to keep the city’s adults from squishing them underfoot.

When they do start to ease up a bit, they open their little mouth.

“How do you know when, like. Your dream is a vision and not a dream?”

The streets have been talking about Delphi Vitale and speculating about how his amazing clairvoyant abilities work for sweeps. There’s also the crisp, laminated print affixed to the shop’s window detailing some of the services you provide. In-depth dream visions are one of them. You have to give the kid this stupidly animated shrug in response. It’s the only way to genuinely convey what you’re feeling with your face hidden beneath a heavy hood, some gaudy sunglasses, and a smog mask.

“You kinda just get a feelin’ for it, kid.”

What you’re not going to do right here and now is trauma dump on someone you don’t even know; especially when that someone is a kid trying to suck crumbs and the memory of cheese from beneath their fingernails. Still, you can’t help but wonder how well this kid sleeps during the day.

Growing up, you were a fitful sleeper. You were kept up all hours of the day by this terrifying daymare of a man on fire. You were half this kid’s age, maybe even younger, when the daymares began. Up until that point, you had most of your visions while you were awake with the occasional prediction shoved in some background scene of your rare “normal” dreams. You can admit to yourself that you still find the image of that man scary. Or maybe it was his presence that kept you unnerved.

In the early days of your burning man dreams, he’d be standing right at the side of your pool of sopor slime. You’d try to force yourself awake, but that just made things worse. It made his looming feel all the more heavy and even with your eyes just cracked open, you still saw him there and you always knew it was him by the sight and the smell of his burning flesh and his Empire-issue helmsman uniform.

As you got older, you learned ways to manipulate your dreams. It wasn’t much, but figured out how to fling yourself out of your body and watch your dreams like a fly on the wall. He still loomed over your body as you slept. Your dreams only changed to suit whatever in your life was different as you aged or moved hives. The closer you inched towards young adulthood, it was like the man knew you were not in your body anymore, so he started screaming for your attention.

By this time, you had surrendered yourself to the Empire to join the helmsman program. You felt there was no other way for you to survive with your chrome and, besides, you were doing pretty well for yourself despite it all. You didn’t have to deal with your sleeping daymares and waking ones that came with needing to live under the radar to survive. This new lifestyle also provided you with a small solution that kept you running for nights without needing sleep: charging stations. You’d just plug in for a while and last a couple nights on electrical currents running through your ports and brain without needing so much as a wink.

There were PSAs about running on charging stations for too long, of course, but you were fine. You figured out a system. You’d get at least one good day of sleep after several without and you were peachy. Really, you weren’t. Sometimes you’d get a bad discharge running through your ports that made you jerk and jolt about when the worst of them hit. Once you had a series of them that couldn’t have been more than half a minute, but there he was, just outside the edge of your vision. His screams became resigned sobs.

Maybe that’s why you were so off the night you were finally able to carry out your big assignment. The program wanted you hooked into some newfangled experimental ship built for navigating the more dangerous parts of deep space. A clairvoyant in the column meant they crew could more effectively navigate without getting torn up by microplanet sized space debris or sucked into a dying star.

You tell yourself things went south that night for a number of reasons. One of them being that your discharge was worse than usual. Shit, you were also pretty damn scared of being plugged into a ship for unknown stretches of time without someone around that’ll say it’s time to be dismissed for the night so you could rest your ports and get all your psionic energy back up. You didn’t want to wither away until your body let go of your extremities and eyes and senses to preserve and feed the part of you the Empire found useful.

Unfortunately, it was too late to worry about any of that. Too late to say you don’t want to be in this program. Too late to beg for a different assignment, something planetside where you could use your abilities to predict rebel activities. Too late to do anything about the sparks your ports sent up through the helms column that made an impressively long wick out of your ponytail. And it was way too damn late for you to finally be realizing why you spent your entire life haunted by daymares of a man on fire screaming for his life.

“Yeah… You get a feelin’ for it.”

[the-firebird69]

My son would look like this and his feet would be big like this his hands would be big like this and if he worked out a mile to work out an hour each day probably 6 days a week or 5 days and he works heavy and it would both come up and probably tighten it up a little it would look like this because he'd be harder at this hardness and strength in size he would be almost unbeatable by every single fighter you have because he's about 9 ft tall. And his head would be slightly larger not too much but he would look handsome the sky looks okay and similar and he would not be green and the doubts would be a little bigger. His are usually huge and you can see his now they're getting a little larger legs a little longer of course but everything else looks pretty much what he would look like the physiology is a little different. You can see how his chest is it's a little more uniform but this is close it's kind of unique because this is pretty close to what he looked like and he'd be big and we're talking about 9 ft just like you saw the statue of no you saw Brad and he's trying to get big and he can't at all and it's this medicine and you need to take the antidote and it needs to be in your your system and it's a tough antidote to take it makes you feel very loopy and this other ones that are better they cost a lot of money and they're hard to get and if you start making it the max are on you but if you can make it in the black market you'll sell it and to make so much money it'll hurt it'll help you with your other stuff and we think Garth could do it the rest you kind of suck you talking your asses and you're mean but the medicine has an effect on people he wants to do it to help and he wants to help his friend a little he says and it's true too it would be kind of difficult but he's almost off it and then a movie people to do it but it's kind of late.

He put this as a background on his phone and he wants people to know this is what I look like he's wondering if he could change it to a white guy cuz he's not going to be green and his mom is laughing because Dave could look like this pretty easily and she's tearing up a little and it's what he is he's not a dummy and he doesn't really hate them that much let's try to get them on the right page and and she's starting to understand what happened again and he'd fit in with azog and everybody they'd be challenges constant challenges and he'd win some of the contests but some of them he might not cuz he's not used to being very fast that's not true yeah he's very fast and at this size and strength much faster than he is now and he's already fast and they want to see it so it's going to help but boy do you people see a lot of us look like this and you've seen what you think of creatures they might be people lol. It's not going to use the growth thing it's really not good for you and it doesn't last you'll be amazed he is a big boy. In space there's probably nobody that big except his wife and now he's thinking of that movie with Will Smith and Sharon Stone and it's yeah okay he can't remember now set Street and tries to remember the street and she's blocking it that's what happened when she when he shows his size and for crying out loud lady they're bigger differently by the way it's a smaller waist and they look like you guys but they have a lot of strength from the core it's very solid it's because of the birthing canal. And now she's freaking out.

Thor Freya

Okay so you feel it but seriously I know what you're going to look like cuz I've seen guys that look like it and you're saying they're probably not human be nice for you to see me like this before you move probably won't happen though that's true

I'm looking forward to seeing it anyways save you just sick all the time and stuff is coming out and it's getting ruined they said you're at the end of the eight years and that should be it and sure it's going to be a few more months but maybe March of next year which is 5 months but they did say that a lot of it is deteriorating now more than it was before and it's because of the regimen of salt and oxygen and trying to stay in shape and trying to get air and sun and calcium it does the calcium cycle and it's flushing it and it locks in stuff like it it f**** it calcium does that sometimes it flocks. And it doesn't a little and it's not freak calcium it's metabolized so it helps and it doesn't help the calcium I mean it really is a tough deal and Brad felt it the other day he said I'm using this calcium I'm feeling better and as a matter of fact I send us to drink his drink

Thor Freya

We can't wait and we want to see it and we want him healthy and this is how it's going to happen and we can't wait it's really going to be nice he's got to get his his protein and stuffing now but we will be back in a moment

Olympus

[menemennpastirma]

Ren - Hi Ren

Lyrics: [Intro] Ooooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooooh Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooooh Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooooh Ooooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooooh Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooooh Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooooh

[Verse 1] Hi there Ren It's been a little while Did you miss me? You thought you’d buried me, didn't you? Risky… 'Cause I always come back Deep down you know that Deep down you know I'm always in periphery Ren, aren't you pleased to see me? It's been weeks since we spoke, bro, I know you need me You’re the sheep, I'm the shepherd Not your place to lead me Not your place to be biting off the hand that feeds me Hi Ren, I’ve been taking some time to be distant I’ve been taking some time to be still I'vе been taking some time to be by mysеlf since my therapist told me I'm ill And I've been making some progress lately, and I've learnt some new coping skills So I haven't really needed you much, man I think we need to just step back and chill Ren, you sound more insane than I do You think that those doctors are really there to guide you? Been through this a million times Your civilian mind is so perfect at always being lied to Okay, take another pill, boy! Drown yourself in the sound of white noise Follow this ten-step program, rejoice! All your problems will be gone! Fucking dumb boy Nah, mate, this time it's different man, trust me I feel like things might be falling in place And my music's been kinda doing bits too Like I actually might do something great And when I'm gone, maybe I'll be remembered For doing something special with myself That's why I don't think that we should talk, man 'Cause when you're with me, it never seems to help You think that you can amputate me? I am you, you are me, you are I, I am we We are one, split in two, that makes one, so you see: You got to kill you if you wanna kill me I'm not left over dinner, I’m not scraps on the side Oh, your music is thriving? Delusional guy! Where's your top ten hit? Where's your interview with Oprah? Where are your Grammy's Ren? Nowhere! Yeah, but, my music's not commercial like that I never chased numbers, statistics or stats I never write hooks for the radio They never even play me, so why would I concern myself with that? But my music is really connecting And the people who find it respect it And for me, that's enough ‘Cause this life's been tough so it gives me a purpose I can rest in Man, you sound so pretentious! Ren, your music is so self-centered No one wants to hear another song about how much you hate yourself, trust me You should be so lucky, having me inside you to guide you, remind you to manage expectations Provide you perspective, that thing you neglected, I get it You wanna be a big deal, next Jimi Hendrix? Forget it Man, it's not like that Man, it's just like that, I'm inside you, you twat! No, it's not, man you're wrong, when I write I belong Let me break the fourth wall by acknowledging this song: Ren sits down, has a stroke of genius He wants to write a song that was not done previous A battle with his subconscious, Eminem did it Played on guitar? Plan B did it! Man you're not original, you criminal, rip-off artist The pinnacle of your success is stealing other people's material Ren, mate, we've heard it all before Oh, "She sells seashells on the sea shore" Fuck you! I don't need you, I don't need to hear this 'Cause I'm fine by myself, I'm a genius! And I will be great, and I will make waves, and I'll shake up the whole world beneath us That's right, speak your truth! Your fucking god complex leaks out of you It's refreshing to actually hear you say it! Instead of downplay it “Ugh, music is all about the creative process and if people can find something to relate to within that, then that's just a bonus” Fuck you! I'ma fucking kill you, Ren Well, fucking kill me, then! Let's fucking have you, Ren I'ma do it, watch me prove it, who are you to doubt my music? ‘Cause I call the shots, I choose if you die Yeah, I call the shots and so I choose who survives I'll tie you up in knots when I lock you inside

[Bridge] News flash I was created at the dawn of creation I am temptation I am the snake in Eden I am the reason for treason Beheading all kings, I am sin with no rhyme or reason Sun of the morning, Lucifer, Antichrist Father of lies, Mestophales Truth in a blender, deceitful pretender The banished avenger, the righteous surrender When standing in front of my solar eclipse My name, it is stitched to your lips, so you see I won't bow to the will of a mortal, feeble and normal You wanna kill me? I'm eternal, immortal I live in every decision that catalysed chaos That causes division I live inside death, the beginning of ends I am you, you are me, I am you, Ren!

[Verse 2] Hi Ren, I’ve been taking some time to be distant I’ve been taking some time to be still I’ve been taking some time to be by myself and I've spent half my life ill But just as sure as the tide starts turning Just as sure as the night has dawn Just as sure as the rainfall soon runs dry when you stand in an eye of a storm I was made to be tested and twisted I was made to be broken and beat I was made by His hand, it's all part of His plan that I stand on my own two feet And you know me, my will is eternal And you know me, you've met me before Face to face with a beast, I will rise from the east, and I'll settle on the ocean floor And I go by many names also Some people know me as hope Some people know me as the voice that you hear when you loosen the noose on the rope And you know how I know that I'll prosper? 'Cause I stand here beside you today I have stood in the flames that cremated my brain and I didn't once flinch or shake So cower at the man I've become When I sing from the top of my lungs That I won't retire, I'll stand in your fire Inspire the meek to be strong And when I am gone, I will rise In the music that I left behind Ferocious, persistent, immortal like you We’re a coin with two different sides

You might also like MOTTO NF Sick Boi Ren Screech’s Tale Ren

[Outro] Ooooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooooh Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooooh Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooooh Ooooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooooh Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooooh Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooooh...

[Spoken Outro] When I was seventeen years old, I shouted out into an empty room, into a blank canvas that I would defeat the forces of evil And for the next ten years of my life I suffered the consequences... With autoimmunity illness, and psychosis As I got older, I realized there were no real winners and there were no real losers in psychological warfare But there were victims and there were students It wasn’t David versus Goliath, it was a pendulum Eternally swaying from the dark to the light And the more intensely that the light shone, the darker the shadow it casts It was never really a battle for me to win, it was an eternal dance And like a dance, the more rigid I became, the harder it got The more I cursed my clumsy footsteps, the more I struggled So I got older And I learned to relax, and I learned to soften, and that dance got easier It is this eternal dance that separates human beings from angels, from demons, from gods And I must not forget, we must not forget, that we are human beings

#music #guitar #ren #hiren

(via https://youtu.be/s_nc1IVoMxc)

[garina]

Um.

Yep.

That was a thing that I watched with my eyeballs.

I am still trying to process episode 8. I may even have to go back and watch it again. It was so so good and fucked up (complimentary). So, this is probably going to be even less coherent than usual. And I am still blaming @kedreeva for the new fictional people living in my head.

Joyce sees RIGHT through Brenner' shit. She knows exactly whose fault this whole thing is, and she is not going to let him brush over that like it's nothing, or join forces with the guy who DUMPED A DUMMY OF HER SON'S BODY IN A QUARRY TO MAKE THEM THINK HE WAS DEAD.

Hopper is pretty badass while being tortured and interrogated, but selling out El was wrong. I mean, I get why he did it, he's trying to save as many people as possible, and Will is the one he's set his sense of self and mental stability on being able to save. And as I know from multiple gif and photo sets that El is in future series, I do wonder if she ever finds out about this betrayal.

Ok Nancy, Jonathan, I apologise. Your plan is only extremely dangerous, not totally suicidal. The scene with them methodically preparing is really cool. And the plan was pretty successful over all, they did far more harm to the demogorgon than anything else up to that point.

Poor Steve. Comes to apologise to Jonathan, finds Nancy there, but that's fine, it's fine... and then he sees she's hurt, and his concern for her plunges him neck deep into the deep shit the others have been wading through. And after a very understandable freak out, hero Steve emerges for the first time. Because while any sensible person would go with the run instinct, he goes back, which I would argue is harder than toughing it out. And he's pretty handy with that bat.

I wonder if it's just the extreme stress and the obvious parallels that are causing Hopper to relive all the trauma with losing his daughter, or whether there's something about the Upside Down that pushes bad memories to the surface.

The gate to the Upside Down remains deeply unpleasant and far too biological. It makes me want to burn it.

I don't know if the demogorgon was making a larder in the Upside Down library, or something worse that I absolutely do not want to know. The thing down Will's throat, the CPR scene, the glimpse of Barb, all of it nightmare fuel forever.

Dustin isn't wrong. Chocolate pudding would probably help with El's exhaustion, food = fuel and all that. Also just on an emotional level.

The whole thing with Mike and El and the Snow Ball conversation... ugh so cute. The way he doesn't doubt for a second that his mother would take her in as family. The way he offers Nancy as her sister like it's the amazing thing it is. The way he then panics and doesn't quite have the words to explain about not wanting to be her -brother-. The awkward kiss and the way El's face just lights up.

Yes! So many arseholes died! While El using her powers to straight up kill so many people is worrying (and accidentally summons the demogorgon)... they all REALLY deserved it. Especially creepy blonde woman. And then the rest of them get Demogorgoned. Hooray.

The scene where El seemingly dies broke me. The boys trying to fight the Demogorgon off with the slingsh... I mean wrist rocket. El finding some strength from somewhere to fucking obliterate it. The fact that the noise it makes is physically painful, Dustin and Lucas close their eyes as well as cover their ears... but Mike won't look away from El. He can't do anything else to help her right now, but he will Not. Look. Away. Because she's not alone, and he never wants her to be alone again.

So much trauma for everyone.

Happy hospital scenes. That include a slightly bemused Steve in the background. I am interested to know at what point he gets filled in on everything. I'm assuming Hopper concocted some kind of explanation for the parents for what the hell had been happening.

The tenderness and gentlesness of Joyce and Jonathan contrasted with the joyful exuberance of the Party. Who realise they need to reassure Will that the Demogorgon is very very dead. Will being happy and smiley and not scared to death.

More government spooks for Hopper. What do they say???

Jonathan picks Will up from the Wheelers rather than Will cycling home. Feels like it's as much to spend more time with Will as being protective (although it's obviously a factor)

Steve totally bought that camera and got Nancy to give it.

Everything was lovely and then Will went to the bathroom and NOPE DO NOT LIKE WTF.

Things I want more of: characters having more amazing realistic relationships and interactions, baby geeks geeking out, El, Joyce being Mom goals, Mr Carver the best teacher ever, El, Steve being an adorable dork and not a jerk, Nancy finding out who she is and what she wants, Hopper's investigative skills, El, El and Mike being cute together. Just more.

Things I don't want: CREEPY SLUG THINGS IN PEOPLE'S MOUTHS. WTF. NO. MAJOR NOPE. WTH. NO. DO NOT WANT.

I really don't do slugs.

At some point I might try to wrap up my feelings about Season 1 as a whole before I start on 2. This has been a ride.

[larimar]

Hi Ren

Hi there Ren Its been a little while, Did you miss me? You thought you'd buried me, didn't you? Risky... Because I always come back Deep down you know that... Deep down you know I'm always in periphery Ren aren't you pleased to see me? It's been weeks since we spoke bro, you know you need me You're the sheep, I'm the shepherd Not your place to lead me Not your place to be biting off the hand that feeds me

Hi Ren I've been taking some time to be distant I've been taking some time to be still I've been taking some time to be by myself Since my therapist told me I'm ill I've been making some progress lately, And I've learnt some new coping skills So I haven't really needed you much man I think we need to just step back and chill

Ren, you sound more insane than I do You think that those doctors are really there to guide you? Been through this a million times Your civilian mind is so perfect at always being lied to Okay, take another pill boy Drown yourself in the sound of white noise Follow this 10 step program, rejoice! All your problems will be gone! Fucking dumb boy

Nah mate, this time it's different man trust me I feel like things might be falling in place And my music's been kinda doing bits too Like I actually might do something great And when I'm gone maybe I'll be remembered For doing something special with myself That's why I don't think that we should talk man Cause when your with me it never seems to help

You think that you can amputate me? I am you, you are me, you are I, I am we We are one, split in two that makes one so you see You got to kill you if you wanna kill me. I'm not left over dinner, I'm not scraps on the side, Oh your music is thriving? Delusional guy! Where's your top ten hit? Where's your interview with Oprah? Where are your grammies Ren? Nowhere!

Yeah but, my music's not commercial like that I never chased numbers, statistics or stats I Never write hooks for the radio, they never even play me So why would I concern myself with that? But my music is really connecting, And the people who find it respect it, And for me that's enough 'cause this life's been tough So it gives me a purpose I can rest in

Man you sound so pretentious! Ren your music is so self centred, No one wants to hear another song about How much you hate yourself... trust me You should be so lucky having me inside you to guide you, Remind you to manage expectations, Provide you perspective, that thing you neglected, I get it You wana be a big deal... Next jimi hendrix? forget it

Man it's not like that

Man it's just like that I'm inside you you twat

Nah it's not man your wrong, when I write I belong

Let me break the fourth wall by acknowledging this song Ren sits down, Has a stroke of genius, He wants to write a song that was not done previous A battle with his subconscious... Eminem did it

Played on guitar

Plan B did it Man your not original you criminal, rip off artist, The pinnacle of your success is stealing other people's material Ren mate we've heard it all before Ohh "she sell sea shells on the sea shore"

Fuck you I don't need you, I don't need to hear this, Cause I'm fine by myself, I'm a genius! And I will be great, and I will make waves And I'll shake up the whole world beneath us

That's right speak your truth, Your fucking god complex leaks out of you It's refreshing to actually hear you say it! In stead of down play it... "Oh the music Is all about the creative process And if people can find something to relate to Within that then that's just a bonus"

Fuck you ima fucking kill you Ren

Well fucking kill me then Let's fucking have you Ren

I'm a do it, watch me prove it, who are you to doubt my music? 'Cause I call the shots I choose if you die Yeah I call the shots and so i who choose who survives I'll tie you up in knots then I'll lock you inside

News flash... I was created at the dawn of creation, I am temptation I am the snake in Eden, I am the reason for treason Beheading all Kings, I am sin with no rhyme or reason, Sun of the morning, Lucifer, Antichrist, father of lies, Mestophilies, Truth in a blender, Deceitful pretender, The Banished avenger, The righteous surrender When standing in-front of my solar eclipse, My name it is stitched to your lips so see I won't bow to the will of a mortal, feeble and normal You wana kill me? I'm enteral, immortal I live in every decision that catalysed chaos That causes division I live inside death, the beginning of ends I am you, you are me, I am you Ren

Hi Ren... I've been taking some time to be distant, I've been taking some time to be still I've been taking some time to be by myself And I've spent half my life ill But just as sure as the tide start turning Just as sure as the night has dawn Just as sure as rain fall soon runs dry When you stand in the eye of the storm

I was made to be tested and twisted I was made to be broken and beat And you know me my will is eternal And you know me you've met Me before Face to with a beast I will rise from the east And I'll settle on the ocean floor And I go by many names also Some people know me as hope Some people know me as the voice that you hear When u loosen the noose on the rope And you know how I know how I know that I'll prosper? Because I stand here beside you today I have stood in the flames that cremated my brain And I didn't once flinch or shake So cower at the man I've become When I sing from the top of my lungs That I won't retire I'll stand in your fire Inspire the weak to be strong And when I am gone I will rise In the music that I left behind Ferocious persistent, immortal like you We're a coin with two different sides

When I was 17 years old I shouted out into an empty room, Into a blank canvas, that I would defeat the forces of evil, And for the next 10 years of my life I suffered the consequences... With Illness, autoimmunity and psychosis

As I got older I realised that there were no real winners Or no real losers in physiological warfare But there were victims and there were students

It wasn't David verses Goliath, it's was a pendulum eternally Swaying between the dark and the light, And the brighter the light shone, the darker the shadow it cast

It was never a battle for me to win, it was an eternal dance, And like a dance, the more rigid I became the harder it got The more I cursed my clumsy footsteps the more i suffered And so I got older and I learned to relax, And I learned to soften, and that dance got easier

It is this eternal waltz that separates human beings From angels, from demons, from gods

And I must not forget, we must not forget, that we are human beings.

Written by: Ren Gill

Album: Hi Ren

Released: 2022

[fruitcoops]

hi <3 i hope you’re well and having a beautiful day so far. i was wondering if you could write a fic about sirius or logan’s brother like relationship to adele - for example, how they would approach her when she’s having a bad day or when she needs advice about something or maybe even after a disagreement with her parents. no worries if you can’t, i just thought it would be a wholesome interaction 💕

Oh, for sure! Katie and Logan get so much attention (for good reason--they're adorable), but I like to think of Sirius and Adele as the blueprint. Hope you enjoy! Combined with asks for Logan and Loops friendship, Papa Dumo (for @ jinxedjaz), Sirius coming back from visiting his parents while living with the Dumais, and Sirius-learning-to-people from this hc list. SW credit goes to @lumosinlove!

I

A little hand tugged on the hem of Dumo’s sweater. “Papa?”

He glanced up from his crossword and smiled, turning to lift Adele into his lap. “Bonjour, mon papillon. Do you want to help me?”

“Is Sirius okay?”

Dumo paused. His first instinct was to lie—how could he even begin to explain the complexity of the situation to a seven-year-old?—but the brightness in Adele’s big eyes told him she already knew the answer. She was a smart kid. She deserved to know at least some of the truth. “He’s having a tough day,” Dumo said quietly as dishes clinked in the other room. No matter what he and Celeste tried, Sirius insisted on washing up. “He’ll be alright.”

A little furrow appeared between Adele’s eyebrows. “Is it because of us? Because he misses his family now?”

“No, sweetheart, not at all. He just…” The words were impossible to find. “He just doesn’t like holidays very much.”

She worried her lower lip for a moment before wiggling free of his arms. “I’m going to make him feel better.”

“Adele—” Dumo made a grab for her, but she had already scampered out of reach and around the corner to the kitchen. In the three days since Sirius had come back from Thanksgiving, he had already reverted back to his shut-down ghost of a self.

“Excuse me, please,” Adele announced. The sink shut off. “Are you sad?”

That’s certainly one way to do it. Dumo craned his neck to watch their reflections in the glass of the back door without revealing his position. Sirius was always more comfortable around the kids than himself and Celeste. “Quoi?” Sirius asked, turning to face her.

“Are you sad? You’ve been frowny.”

Silence fell for a few seconds. “Ouais, a little,” he said at last. “But I’m not sad because of you.”

“That’s good. Papa said so, too. He says you don’t like holidays, but that’s so silly, because we were just talking about Christmas last week.”

“I like some holidays,” Sirius said haltingly. There was a rustling noise; Dumo saw him pick Adele up and settle her on his hip with a thoughtful tilt to his head. “I’m very excited to spend Christmas with you.”

“Pinky swear?”

“Pinky swear.”

“Good. I want you to spend all the holidays with us. Will you be frowny on Christmas, too?”

“I don’t think so.” Dumo could practically hear Sirius’ smile. “See? I’m already better.”

“Will you open presents with me? Marc and Louis always open theirs together, and Mama and Papa, but Katie’s too little to do it with me. I like playing Santa, but it means I hafta go last.”

In the glass, Dumo saw Sirius press a raspberry kiss to her cheek until she burst into giggles; his grin lit up the whole kitchen. “Of course I will.”

II

“You have to smile,” Adele groaned. “You’re scaring off all my customers.”

Sirius raised his eyebrows. “Pardon?”

She turned a big, sunshine grin on him, pressing her fingers into her dimples to exaggerate it. “Big smiles! You like being here! These are the best cookies you’ve ever had! Everyone should try them!”

“They should!” Sirius agreed. “I don’t know why you’re upset!”

She heaved a sigh and clonked her forehead on his stomach, knocking some of the air out of his lungs. “You look scary when you don’t smile.”

“I do not.”

“You do! You’re built like a brick wall and when you’re thinking, you get frowny!” She adjusted her Girl Scout vest and straightened up. “You have to be perky and fun and the cutest little kid on the block.”

“…I might have a problem with the last part.”

“Then I’ll be the cutest little kid on the block,” she said, exasperated.

Sirius narrowed his eyes at her. “Do you think I’m scary?”

“No,” she snorted. “But other people do.”

“No way.”

“Yes, way. Mama looks surprised when her face relaxes, but you’re, like, looming.”

“So…you’re upset with how my face looks?” he teased, dodging her attempt to poke his ribs.

“No, I just don’t need a bodyguard to sell cookies!”

“That’s literally what I’m here for,” he laughed, tugging one of her pigtails until she stuck her tongue out at him. “Alright, madame, I’ll try to be ‘perky’ and ‘fun’.”

“The air quotes weren’t necessary,” she informed him with great gravity, though she couldn’t hide the smile on her face as she turned back to the people walking across the street. “Hey, lady, do you want cookies?”

III

“So,” Logan began, then shoved another handful of pretzel sticks into his mouth. “Dating the captain. What’s that like?”

Sirius looked up from his phone and glared. “I am sitting right next to you.”

“Shush. Loops?”

Remus sighed and let his head fall toward Logan’s armchair; he was starting to get lightheaded from laying upside-down for so long, but it was doing wonders for his lower back and sore feet. “Dating the captain? Pretty cool, to be honest.”

Logan made a noise of disagreement. “I don’t believe that for a second. Does he make you run drills in the basement, or is it just a cuddle party all the time? ‘cause there’s no in-between.”

“Tabarnak,” Sirius muttered, flicking Logan’s ear as he headed out of the room. “You two gossip like middle-schoolers.”

“It’s really not bad,” Remus mused as he stretched one leg toward the curtains. “I’m the one who likes running drills, so he’ll usually watch tape while I do that for a bit. Cuddles aren’t as frequent as you might think. We’re boring.”

“Mmm, with some wild nights in there, eh?” Logan wiggled his eyebrows and Remus chucked a pillow at him, though it did not seem to deter him. “I seem to remember hearing a certain conversation about a new bedframe?”

“A headboard,” Remus corrected, pulling a face at him. “And it was already almost ten years old. You’re just jealous.”

“Ugh, for him? Nah. Peanut might have carried a torch—”

“You’re kidding. Did he really?”

“Oh, yeah,” Logan snorted, as if it was obvious. “But he has better taste now. Honestly, though, I’m glad you two are together. And that you’re happy in your boring domesticity, even if you’re breaking beds left and right.”

“Headboard, and it was one time.”

“Did I ever tell you about—”

The front door slammed open; both of them jumped as something heavy hit the ground with a thud. “Sweetheart?” Celeste asked from the living room, audibly concerned. Remus’ heart dropped and he shared a worried look with Logan, who was already on his feet. “Adele, what’s wrong?”

“Adele?” Logan called, his voice laced with worry. Remus’ heartbeat picked up as Adele appeared in the doorway to the living room with tears streaming down her cheeks, only to throw herself into Logan’s arms with a harsh sob. “Woah, hey, qu’est—”

“Boys are so stupid!” she half-shouted, half-wailed. “And I hate them!”

Remus stood there, useless, as she tore away and sprinted for the backyard, yanking the door shut with a bang before tearing across the grass. “Logan?” he asked after a moment. There was no protocol for this. He had absolutely zero experience with preteen breakdowns, and the Dumais kids always fell into Logan and Sirius’ territory. He could count on one hand the number of actual conversations he had had with Adele.

Logan’s nose twitched; he opened his mouth to speak, but the words died in his throat when Sirius came through the doorway and made a beeline for the yard without a single glance to either of them. “She’ll be okay,” Logan murmured as Sirius walked slowly to the swings, where Adele was sitting on the bench seat with her arms wrapped tight around herself.

“She seems pretty upset.”

Logan shook his head, not taking his eyes off the pair. “I’ve got Katie, he’s got Adele.”

“Yeah?” Remus asked, surprised. Logan and Katie were famous for their bond, two peas in a pod. As far as he knew, Sirius was equally close with all the Dumais kids.

“Apparently, they bonded from day one,” Logan said with the flicker of a smile. Outside, Adele laid her head on Sirius’ shoulder and pulled his arm around her back, burrowing into the softness of his hoodie as he gently rocked the swing with his foot and gave her a light squeeze. “They’re both quieter. Oldest children and all that. You really didn’t know?”

“I…” Remus trailed off and shook his head. “You and Katie are much louder about it, but that makes sense. He talks about all of you all the time., I guess I just assumed it was different since he was so closed off at first.”

Logan hummed. “Ask about it sometime. Dumo always likes talking about them.”

Sirius and Adele walked back after a few more minutes, still attached at the hip as Sirius jostled her lightly and pulled half a smile from her; they entered the house in relative quiet and Adele wrapped her arms around him one more time. “Love you,” she said, voice muffled in his sweater. Sirius rubbed her back in slow circles until she pulled away and padded down the hall to the bathroom

“Children are so mean,” he said as soon as the door closed.

“Then I’m glad she has you.” Remus curled his hand around Sirius’ shoulder and felt him relax beneath his touch. “Is she alright?”

“Some little asshole told her nobody would want to date her because she plays hockey.”

Remus’ heart panged. “How can we help?”

“Teach her how to throw a right hook,” Logan suggested. In a rare turn of events, Remus couldn’t tell whether he was joking or not; from the look on his face, it seemed to be the latter.

“She’ll be okay, baby,” Remus said. Sirius didn’t look away from the closed door. “Kids have always been mean, but the best thing you can do is be there for her, which you just did. It’s hard and it sucks but as long as she knows you love her, that’s enough.”

“Does she?” Sirius asked, almost too quiet for him to hear.

Remus looped an arm around his waist and kissed the top of his shoulder. “She does,” he promised. Without a doubt.

IV

Sirius drummed his hands on the steering wheel with a wide smile. “I’m so excited,” he said for the fourth time in twenty minutes.

“I can tell,” Remus said, still reading through his missed messages. The cell service in customs had been abysmal, and for some godforsaken reason his dad desperately needed to send paragraph updates on his hunt for the perfect holiday lights. Some days, Remus wondered whether he was happiest with his family or in Home Depot.

“I missed them.”

“Yep.”

“And I can’t let Logan get there first.”

“Sure thing, honey. Speed limit.”

“Three weeks is a long time, did you know that?”

“Mhmm. Sirius, speed limit.”

“How do you manage being away from Jules for that long?”

“Very poorly,” Remus said as he typed out a quick response to his dad’s latest text. His mother would end him if he allowed their house to be decorated with anything green—in all honesty, he was starting to think she had a personal rivalry with the Snakes. They turned onto Dumo’s street and he felt the excitement radiating off Sirius kick up several notches. “Deep breaths, love.”

“Ah, fuck me, the cubs are right behind us,” he muttered, pulling over to the curb and unbuckling his seatbelt.

“Sirius!” Remus spluttered.

“What?”

“Turn the fucking car off before you get out!”

Sirius heaved a sigh and pulled the key out, then took off toward the house at a jog; Logan went sprinting past the passenger window half a second later, and Remus heard Finn shouting after him from the still-running car to no avail. They reached the front steps at the exact same time, shouldering each other in an attempt to reach the doorbell first.

“—want to push it!” Logan insisted, kicking Sirius lightly on the shin as Remus headed up the walkway.

“You did it last time!” Sirius argued.

“I’m the youngest, so I get to do it!”

“That’s not how it works!”

The door swung open just as Logan tried to bodily shove Sirius out of the way, only to be put in a scrambling headlock. Dumo regarded them with an exhausted look on his face. “Bonjour, Loops.”

“Hey, Dumo,” Remus called from the base of the steps. “Nice night, eh?”

He shrugged, ignoring the two grown men roughhousing on his welcome mat. “Not bad.”

“Are les enfants here?” Logan panted, trying to heave Sirius into the nearest hedge.

Dumo rolled his eyes and opened the door the rest of the way. “Kids, we have visitors!”

Thundering footsteps echoed off the walls; Logan and Sirius tripped over each other in their haste to get inside. “Tremzy!” Katie shrieked, launching herself into his arms with a beaming smile.

Sirius hoisted Adele straight off her feet and shook her back and forth as she wrapped her arms around his neck in a tight hug. “You were gone forever!” she laughed. “We missed you!”

“What am I, chopped liver?” Logan teased as he set Katie down and opened his arms for a hug of his own. Marc and Louis slammed into him, nearly toppling him in the entryway.

“No, no, no!” Katie giggled as Sirius blew a raspberry kiss on her stomach, only to mimic it on his cheek a moment later. “You’re all scratchy.”

“Tough for kisses,” Remus agreed. “You should tell him to shave, Katie-bird.”

Katie squished his cheeks in her hands with a solemn frown. “No more porcupines.”

“You got it,” Sirius confirmed. “What do you think, Adele?”

She pulled a face and they all dissolved into laughter, exhausted from the long roadie and unable to contain their happiness. It was a tradition Remus was coming to know as he spent more time with the team—Logan and Sirius just couldn’t resist swinging by the Dumais house after a long trip, no matter how drained and battered they were. It was a combination of a competition and a family reunion, and the kids loved it every time.

“Are you staying the night?” Marc asked, lazily tying Sirius’ shoelaces together.

“Not tonight, no.”

“But it would be fun,” Louis said from his place hoisted under Logan’s arm, legs dangling.

“They’re tired, boys, be nice.” Celeste winked at Sirius as he leaned down so she could kiss his cheek before moving to Logan to do the same. “We watched all your games. You were wonderful.”

“Merci, Celeste.” The corners of Logan’s eyes crinkled, and Remus saw Finn and Leo share a smile behind him.

Sirius craned his neck to look back. “Oh, she wasn’t talking to you.”

Logan stuck his tongue out as the kids laughed, still clinging to them both. Remus happily accepted a quick hug and a hair-ruffle from Celeste before she moved on to Finn and Leo, and settled in for a cozy evening at home.

[johnsamericano]

𝔖𝔲𝔤𝔞𝔯 ℜ𝔲𝔰𝔥 𝔧.𝔧.𝔥

Hi everyone! As promised, here’s one of the two most voted fic continuations. There will be more chapters to this story though I'm not sure how many yet. Thank you for reading!

warnings: sugar daddy jae, mentions of injuries and hospitals, language.

taglist: @thoreeo @trustmahluv

Sugar rush m.list.

The machine monitoring your father’s heartbeat was the only sound filling the quiet hospital room, where your once healthy father laid unconscious, his perfect, chiseled cheeks adorned with cuts and bruises. Would they leave a mark?

The machine monitoring your father’s heartbeat was the only sound filling the quiet hospital room, where your once healthy father laid unconscious, his perfect, chiseled cheeks adorned with cuts and bruises. Would they leave a mark?

The machine monitoring your father’s heartbeat was the only sound filling the quiet hospital room, where your once healthy father laid unconscious, his perfect, chiseled cheeks adorned with cuts and bruises. Would they leave a mark?

The machine monitoring your father’s heartbeat was the only sound filling the hospital room, where your once healthy father laid unconscious, his perfect, chiseled cheeks adorned with cuts and bruises. Would they leave a mark?

The machine monitoring your father’s heartbeat was the only sound filling the hospital room, where your once healthy father laid unconscious, his perfect, chiseled cheeks adorned with cuts and bruises. Would they leave a mark?

Where did everything go wrong?

Your string of thoughts was cut off by a call from your aunt.

Your string of thoughts was cut off by a call from your aunt.

“Hello?” Your voice was raspy from not using it. There was no one to talk to in the quiet, hospital room but the nurses, who weren't especially keen on chatting.

“How’s your dad, sweetie?”

“They let him out of ICU, but he doesn't look good to me.” Your fingers traced the cuts in his chiseled cheeks that would soon turn into scars, ruining his perfect skin. Your eyes then diverted to his head, thoroughly covered in bandages to protect his damaged skull.

“Honey, I've got bad news...”

“They rejected the case, didn't they?”

“Not precisely.” She deeply inhaled before continuing. “It’s a tough case, almost impossible to win, nonetheless, they're willing to take it. But their fee is a little...”

“Expensive.”

“Yes.”

As expected from the best firm in town, they wouldn't take less than $8,000. Your bank account didn't have enough money to even cover half of it, and with your job at the convenience store, you'd only earn so much to cover your expenses.

“We can take the lawyer that the government provides us with, it would be free.”

“But then I'm sure we’d lose.” You groaned in frustration, using your free hand to rub your forehead. “Don’t worry, I'll find a way to get the money.”

“Why don't we just accept the compensation they're offering? It could pay for the hospital bills and you'd still have some left to pay for your tuition.”

“That would be like putting a price on my father's life. I don't want their money, I want them to make themselves responsible for what they've caused.” The sound of wheels approached the door of your father's room, signaling the nurse was outside with his meds. “It’s okay, Auntie, I'll take care of everything. You can go back home, I know my uncle isn't doing so well.”

“Are you sure, darling?” It was undeniable that she wanted to head back to her little ranch fat away from the hectic city life to take care of her sick husband, but still, her brother was laying down on a hospital bed, fighting for his life.

“Yes, I'm an adult, I'll find a way.”

“Take care of yourself, and don't hesitate to call me if you're having any difficulties. I'll be there in the blink of an eye.” She said before sending a kiss into the speaker, proceeding to hang up.

You sighed. It was never usual for you to ask for help, as you were an extremely prideful and independent person, and you doubted this time would be different.

“Don’t worry, dad. Everything will be alright.”

Three failed job interviews and one more to go. Your feet were killing you, the high heels covering them already worn out from walking to avoid taking the bus. Every penny counted, and as long as your legs worked, you weren't spending any more money than what was necessary.

You sat down in the waiting room of the company, massaging your neck to relieve some tension. College was becoming a burden. Maybe you'd take a semester off to focus on working, that is if someone wanted to hire an inexperienced student.

“Y/n, Y/l/n?”

“Here.” You darted up, gathering your belongings to enter the room on which your life almost literally depended.

You gave all the right answers, earning a polite ‘we’ll contact you’ in return. But you could see that they weren't convinced with your lack of experience, no company in their right mind would be.

As soon as you arrived at your apartment, you slid out of the uncomfortable pencil skirt, tucking yourself under the covers with your phone screen almost hitting your nose.

To take your mind off things, you decided to watch some videos. Halfway in, an ad popped up, interrupting the interior deco video you were watching.

A picture of a girl about your age hugging an older man was right in the middle of your screen. Written with fancy letters, the words ‘make your life simpler’ could be read, followed by what you guessed was the title of the app. Sugar rush.

Out of pure curiosity, your finger tapped at the small icon that led to the app store, absentmindedly clicking the download button. A few seconds later, an icon with the letters ‘SR’ was added to your home screen.

“Log in?” You murmured out loud, squinting your eyes to adjust your eyes to the bright, white homepage.

Just as you were about to click out, the phrase from the ad reappeared, stopping your finger from moving any further.

You could always delete your account if something went wrong, right? Nonetheless, you decided to use a false name, and that's how Melanie Kim’s profile was created. You left the circle of your profile picture empty for now, only filling the spaces that asked about your likes, dislikes, age, and all that stuff that people care about so much.

You knew what the app was for, but that didn't stop you from being surprised when a list of men and women of different ages greeted you. Right then, a small rectangle obstructed your sight, two buttons offering opposite things.

‘Pick the role you'd like to develop.’

Sugar daddy/mommy / Sugar baby.

Clearly, you didn’t have nor the money or the years to be the first, so you clicked the opposite button without giving it more thought.

‘Welcome. You've been registered as a sugar baby at Sugar rush. Meet thousands of men and women willing to finance you for free!’

You hummed.

‘As we're always looking to make our users’ experience better, we've developed Sugar Rush premium, a membership to meet the richest and hottest people in your surroundings. Get the premium version for only $5.95 a month. Click here to get Sugar Rush premium.’

Your finger pad was dangerously close to the blue button, almost grazing the screen of the phone. It was then when you were pulled out of your trance, blinking as if just then you'd realized what you were doing.

“I must be crazy.” You turned off your phone, not bothering to turn on an alarm for the next day. You had no interviews left. You had nowhere to go.

Waking up was getting harder with every passing day. Not being able to call your dad to go out for breakfast or even sending a simple good morning message hurt you deeply. You missed him. But seeing him laying down on a hospital bed, unable to do anything by himself, was even worse.

Ding

A notification filled the silence in your room.

‘Come back, you haven't finished setting up your account yet!’

You scoffed at your past self. What were you even thinking when you downloaded the app?

You simply turned off the phone before standing up to take a relaxing shower. As the water soaked up your tense body, your mind started wandering off back to the app. A million what-ifs filled your head, nonetheless, there was one that remained the most persistent.

‘What if this can pay for a lawyer?’

Your part-time job surely couldn't, and you had no one to assist you financially speaking. The whole idea of paying that ridiculous membership seemed more tempting as your fingers started getting wrinkly under the showerhead.

You decided to take some time to consider it, after all, you still had a week to give the lawyers an answer.

Hot soup seemed like a good option to comfort you, and thankfully, there was a store right in front of your place that claimed to sell the best soups in town.

It wasn't bad, but not nearly as good as the one your dad cooked when you were a kid. You sighed, wondering if you'd ever be able to eat it again. Just then, a woman about your age came into the shop, carrying a couple of bags where names of popular brands could be read. A pinch of jealousy made your heart stir as you glanced at yourself through the reflection in the glass at your side. You looked devastated, your skin pale and your cheekbones slightly sunken, a sign of the lack of rest and food you'd been getting.

Out of pure impulse, you pulled out your phone, clicked on the app you'd recently downloaded, and finally accepted the charges for a premium membership.

‘Welcome, new member of our wide community, click ok to get started!’

Well, no turning back now.

Right after pressing the blue letters with your thumb, you were presented with a list of potential prospects, some of them including pictures, some of them only including name and a brief description of what they were looking for. The minority included their ages, but most left the space blank.

A bunch of old men looking for a youthful, pretty woman to be by their sides, some of them even went as far as writing the weight and height their ideal partner should have. Of course, there were also some women in the look for young meat, but the number of men overpassed them.

About to exit the app in defeat, a profile caught your eye. His pale pink hair was parted, allowing his thick eyebrows to stand out. His high cheekbones made him look like a statue, the details in his face almost too perfect for a mere human. He must be the incarnation of a Greek God, you thought.

‘Jung Yoonoh. 41 years old. Owner of N & C.’

“Should I...?” You asked yourself in a voice lower than a whisper.

He has probably gotten hundreds of messages, so what would be the point of sending one yourself? Your eyes scanned the picture over and over again as the remains of your soup started getting cold.

He was probably the only acceptable man in the whole app, so why not give it a try?

You already spent five whole dollars on it, might as well make it worth the money.

‘Hi.’ Sent.

“Holy crap.” You breathed out, regretting every single action that led you to take such a stupid decision. “Ah!” You squeaked as three small dots appeared beside his profile picture, signaling he was writing a reply.

What if he rejected you right from the beginning? God, that would be so humiliating. His message stopped your train of thought.

‘Hi!’

Followed by:

‘How are you?’

Sweating like a pig, thank you for asking.

‘Fine. You?’ Read.

‘Thrilled. No one had messaged me since I created my account two weeks ago.’

‘How is that possible?’ You imprinted your thoughts on a message.

‘It’s hard to trust people nowadays. I guess people might think either my picture is photoshopped or I'm lying about my job.’

‘Their loss, ig.’ Read.

He was taking some time to answer. Had you said something inappropriate?

‘Hahaha.’

The conversation stopped there, as you didn't know how exactly to answer his message. But a few minutes later, another text from him popped up at your chat.

‘If you're okay with it, we can start talking about a possible arrangement.’

Already? You've known each other for like five minutes. But then again, arrangements were the whole purpose of the app.

‘Sure.’

‘May I ask your reasons for joining the app?’

‘I need urgent money, but my job doesn't pay nearly enough.’ You omitted the part of your agonizing father, he didn't need to know that. ‘And you?’

‘I need someone to be my partner at public spaces.’

‘Alright.’ Read.

‘Do you happen to have some free time tomorrow at lunchtime? I think it’d be better to meet first before making any decisions.’

‘Yeah, I'm free.’

‘Great, I’ll send you the address.’

You thought a day would be enough to prepare yourself, but time passed by quicker than usual, and soon enough, it was time to get ready for your meeting with Mr. Jung. He was only a few years younger than your father, and calling him by his first name wouldn't feel right.

Unsure if you should wear something formal, you threw on a beige (the color you'd agreed on wearing so it’d be easier to recognize each other) summer dress, pairing it with the gold hoops you'd inherited from your grandma to make it look more elegant.

The hardest part of your routine was makeup. Your sunken cheeks couldn't be covered, and only after a few layers of blush and highlighter, you could bring your skin back to life.

On your way to the cafe, you went through the things you'd say when you met him. It was your chance to get your father what he needed.

You stood at the entrance with wide, scared eyes, shyly scanning through the place to look for your date.

“Melanie?” A hand on your shoulder had you jolting. “I’m Jung Yoonoh, nice to meet you.”

What you saw after turning around was breathtaking. A handsome, healthy man, with the most beautiful pair of dimples.

“Nice to meet you.” You managed to blurt out without stuttering, extending your hand to make the greeting more formal. The fake name didn’t seem necessary anymore. “It’s actually y/n, I didn't want to use my real name.”

“I understand. Let’s take a seat.” He offered with a kind smile.

He left you seating at the terrace while he made your order, a latte, and a chocolate cookie. Your fingers played with your hoops anxiously, trying to regulate your breath.

“They’ll bring our food in just a sec.” He offered a warm smile. “Your dress is pretty.” Yoonoh said out of nowhere.

“Thank you.”

“I see you're not a chatty person.” You were about to object, but he started speaking again. “It's not a bad thing! I usually talk a lot, so it’s a nice way to balance things.”

You nodded, seemingly uncomfortable with the man sitting in front of you.

“So, uhm, this is my first time doing this, so I'm not really sure where to begin.” He pulled out a folded paper from the front pocket of his dressing pants. “It’s a bit creased, but I can always print another one. I brought it so you could take a look and let me know if you wanted to change anything. I don't mean to pressure you, but you said it was urgent, so...”

You read the paper under his attentive gaze, making sure not to miss a single word. Everything seemed correct, except...

“Six months?”

“Is that too much?” A small wrinkle formed between his eyebrows, a sign of deep concentration. “Okay, so let's do this instead.”

He took back the contract, pulling out a pen from the pocket in his dressing shirt to correct the original stipulations.

“Four months, and if by the end of them you don't absolutely hate me, we can extend the time. Deal?”

“Just one more thing.”

You cleared your throat, conscious that your following words might jeopardize the whole arrangement.

“Are you sure you want to make it official already?” You had to stop for a moment as the waiter left your orders on top of the wooden table. “I mean, it's not that I have a problem with it, but it's your money and maybe you'd like to give it a better thought.” You resumed.

“The fact that you're concerned about me proves I'm making the right choice. Now, tell me, how much would you like to receive as a weekly allowance?”

Would it be too reckless to ask him straight up for the $8,000?

“H-how much are you willing to give me?” You felt dirty, accepting a stranger’s money like that.

“Whatever you need.” His hand suddenly reached forward to yours, causing every ounce of blood in your body to rush to your face. “There’s no need to be embarrassed, I'm here to help you.” His voice tone dropped, acquiring an almost soothing feeling.

“I need eight thousand by Thursday, next week.” His eyes were wide open, mouth having difficulties remaining closed. “I-I know it's too much, but...”

“I can find a way to give you that money, but I'd like to know the reason why you need it. Just to make sure it's nothing illegal.”

You puffed your cheeks, trying to find an excuse good enough to justify the amount of money you were asking for.

“It isn’t illegal, is it?”

“No!” You retrieved your hand from below his, now embarrassed at the possibility of him having a bad image of you. “I need it for my father.”

“I suppose you don't want to talk about it.” He started at his palm, lips pressed in a thin life. “But when it comes to arrangements like this, we need to trust each other, alright?” You barely knew each other, yet, he demanded to know a very personal detail of your life. Not that he didn't have a good reason for wanting to know, it wasn't a particularly small amount of money.

“He had an accident at work...” You started, fearful of looking up to find pity in his eyes. “I need a lawyer to make his company legally responsible. They intend to throw it under the rug and pay a somewhat decent amount of money to make it go away. The firm I intend to hire is supposedly the best in town, probably my only chance of getting justice.”

“And why don't you just accept it? There's no guarantee that your lawyer will win the case.” You fisted the delicate fabric of your dress, eyes watering as you tried to hold back your anger.

“My father’s life is priceless, and if you think what I'm doing is a waste of money, then fine, we can both look for someone else to help us.” It sounded more aggressive than you'd first intended, but you meant every word that came out of your mouth.

Before you could even stand up, his slim fingers had already wrapped themselves around your wrist.

“I never said that.” He whispered with an almost sad tone. “Come on, sit down.”

He tugged at your arm the slightest, showing off his charming dimples once again.

“I’ll give you the money on one condition...” He raised one of his thick eyebrows. “I’ll go with you to see the lawyer.”

“Why...?”

“That’s my condition, take it or leave it.”

“Okay.”

The days before your meeting with your potential lawyer were nerve-wracking. You'd seen Yoonoh another time to sign the contract, which finally made your arrangement official.

You’d visit your father every day, always hoping he'd be sitting with his arms wide open, ready to hug you. But nothing had changed ever since he first came into that room.

“I’m here to see Mr. Kim.” The secretary's gaze lingered on Jaehyun a few seconds before he finally snapped out of it. “Y/n Y/l/n.”

“Just a second.” He opened his agenda and quickly found your appointment. With a warm smile, he guided you through the corridors of the building, all the way to the elevator. “It’s the only office on the last floor, I'll be at my desk if you need anything.”

Once again, he shot Jae an uneasy glance before the metal doors slid close.

“What was all that?” To be honest, you couldn't care less. But a small chat might calm your nerves and prevent you from throwing up all over the place.

“What do you mean?” He grinned, pressing the button to the top floor.

“You know what I mean.” You scoffed, annoyed at his evasive behavior.

“We just happen to know each other, nothing special.” Before the conversation could continue, a loud ding resonated through the metal cubicle. “Let’s go.” His hand found its place at the small of your back, pushing you towards the glass door. Through it, you could see a black-haired man reading a pile of documents, occasionally raising a photo to examine it with his gold-rimmed glasses supported at the bridge of his elegant nose.

Jaehyun extended his arm over your shoulder to knock on the door, earning an almost annoyed ‘come in’ from the man inside.

“Let’s go.” Once again invading your personal space, he reached for the doorknob with you trapped between his arms.

As soon as the door opened, the man raised his eyes from the documents he was checking.

“What are you doing here, Jung?”

“I knew something was off...” You murmured, loud enough for the man at your side to chuckle.

“I brought you a client, you should be happy.”

“Miss y/n, I suppose. Have a seat.” His demeanor completely changed while speaking directly to you. “I spoke with your aunt last week, she explained the details of the lawsuit, but I must say, it isn't an easy case.”

“I know that, but I've been told you're the best firm in town, I know I'll have more possibilities of winning if you're my lawyer.”

“Best firm in town my ass.”

“Be silent or I’ll kick you out of the building.”

That was enough for Yoonoh to zip his mouth. For a while at least.

“I suppose she also told you about our fee.” He pushed his glasses up using his thumb. “We’d also keep 25% of the lawsuit money assuming we win the case, is that okay with you?”

“Yes-”

“Okay, stop.”

“I’ll call security, Jung.”

“Look at me, y/n.” He squeezed your arms. “This clown is trying to scam you...” He pointed his finger at the lawyer without breaking eye contact. “You’d be spending loads of money for someone who isn't even confident in his abilities. It isn't worth it.”

“And I suppose you'd do better than me, then.” The black-haired man scoffed. “If that's the case, then you can both leave. I'm quite busy at the moment.” With a turn of his wrist, he signaled you to leave the room.

You were fuming, stomping out of the building with Jaehyun right behind you.

“I found a great restaurant nearby, we can go there and-”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Calm down-”

“Don’t tell me to calm down when you just fucked up my only chance to give those bastards what they deserve.” The sun was starting to set, yellow light casting shadows over his tender cheeks.

“Can you listen to me for a second?”

“Are you laughing right now?” You bit your lip, hard, trying to hold back the tsunami of tears threatening to come out of your eyes. “Asshole.”

“Ouch.” He furrowed his eyebrows mockingly. Oh, how close you were to punch that pretty face of his. “Can I explain now?”

You remained silent, staring at the ground with the smallest frown between your eyebrows.

“How do you think I know Kim Doyoung?” Before even giving you a chance to answer, he continued. “That son of a bitch has been stealing my clients for ages.”

“Your clients...?”

“He isn't even that good of a lawyer compared to me.” He scoffed with fake arrogance.

“You're a lawyer?!” You slammed your palms into your face, whining at the newly acquired information. “Why didn't you tell me from the beginning?”

“Just wanted to swing by and annoy him a bit. Don't worry, I wasn't gonna let you accept his deal.” He winked playfully.

The sun was now hidden, the sky darkening as the moon rose to take its shift.

“Though I gotta say, I'm kinda offended I wasn't even an option. I'm a pretty great lawyer, you know?”

“Sorry.”

“I’ll forgive you if you join me for dinner. What do you say?”

As you walked into the darkness of the streets, his shoulder occasionally bumping yours, you wondered if meeting him was a casualty. Maybe the world was finally smiling at you.