#and really don't give me sympathy bc i don't know how to respond to it lol. does anyone?

[sockiestupidity]

Eating Habits-Miguel O'Hara x platonic!teen reader

sequel to my last fic???-am i fr going to make this a series👁️👁️

Miguel notices a change in your eating patterns😧

warnings-bad writing/grammar/dialogue, angst, bad eating patterns, possible ed???, ooc miguel???, implied abuse/neglect (reader has bad eating patterns bc of fam), might be triggering for some, dw they end up happy again i promise, the word mijo is used like once???

again implied nonverbal reader (nonverbal rep bc i said so🫡) making this up as i go tbh-reader may use aac or communication cards

autistic coded reader????

AGAIN, ENGLISH MAY BE MY FIRST LANGUAGE BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN THAT IM GOOD AT IT(AGAIN, JUST MAKE THIS CLEAR, I AM INDEED A NO SABO KID🥴)

povs may possibly change at times-lowercase intented as usual🤩(possibly no use of y/n in this one🤷‍♂️) IM SO TEHE AB THIS MAN (AND SPOT BUT WE DONT TALK AB THAT) sorry for all the warnings, just wanna make sure yall know what to expect

over time, you and miguel had.. unexpectedly started to bond more and more, which surprised a lot of spiders. the two of you were both equally closed off, but even then miguel had interacted with more spider people than you had. since your arrival, miguel had been the only spider person you had interacted with due to your mistrust.

most of the spiders had decided to simply not acknowledge your new friendship with miguel..simply because miguel had scared them off for you.

with you and miguel forming a new bond, he started to notice something about you..

while you enjoyed all types of cooking and baking, you never really ate much. miguel had chosen not to acknowledge it because he thought you just had a smaller appetite than most spiders, and he also thought his judgement was just clouded due to the fact that he had to eat more than most spiders did.

maybe your portions just looked small because of his size? he glazed over the thought, but it didn't make much sense, he ignored until..

your eating habits became worse, he had now come to the realization when he decided to treat you to a hamburger and you only ate a couple of fries..days later he noticed that when you had cooked something for the rest of the spiders, you hadn't plated any food for yourself. he felt a heavy pang in his heart, he knew the signs, because he would often neglet his humger needs due to his work.

when he brought up his concern that you were not giving yourself food you simply pulled out your cards, flipping to a card that said "no" and another that said "hungry". (A/N-i refuse to believe that reader would have "not" on their card bc "no" is way more conventional so pls dont come at more for this)

miguel heavily sighed, if course he didn't believe you, he could see the fear and sadness in your eyes. when he saw that look, he knew he had to do something.

a couple days had passed and you had stopped cooking and baking all together. you were simply just sitting on a couch that was placed in the HQ living quarters for everyone to use when suddenly you saw a large figure in your peripheral vision. you instantly knew that it was miguel. (A/N: MANS LITERALLY WEARS HIS SUIT EVERYWHERE OK?😭)

once he was in front of you, you decided to look up to him, furrowing your eyebrows to indicate your confusion. he wore an expression that you still were not used to identifying.

sympathy.

he pinched the brige of his nose, this was going to be harder than he thought, "we have to talk, mijo".

you pulled out your phone, getting your acc app ready incase if you need to respond to whatever he was about to announce. trying to do so calmly, as to not make him worry.

you gave him a nod, as to let him know that you were listening. he moved in order to sit next to you on the couch, his weight making a significant shift on the cushions.

"i need you to look at me alright? you don't even have to give me eye contact" he didn't want to pressure you, because he knew how much stress eye contact gave you at times.

you looked in his direction and tilted your body towards him.

he took another deep breath in and out before saying, "i noticed that you've been.. eating less, i mean, eating less than you usually eat.." he trailed off, he had to think carefully about his next words.

as soon as he said this, you looked away with a pained expression on your face.

he touched your cheek, and you flinched at the movement. "hey, none of that alright? i just want to make sure that everything is fine, mijo. has there been something on your mind recently?" he removed his hand from your cheek, wanting you to be able to fully process everything.

you let out a sigh and clicked one of the words you had preset on your app. "family" the robot voice spoke.

miguel nodded, although he hadn't seen everything that had happened he knew that overall, it wasnt the best situation. there was a pause before the robot voice began to speak again.

"food. bad" miguel's heart broke, and his strong stature had softened. he wanted to hug you, but he wasn't sure if he was overstepping your boundaries.

he carefully thought over his words before speaking, "never let anyone ever tell you that good is bad for you, alright mijo? it gives you strength, and helps you live" he looked right at you, making sure you digested every word he had said. he could see you blinking tears away, but they just continued flowing.

abruptly, you began to hug him. miguel was caught by surprise at this, as you buried your head into his chest. he awkwardly patted you on the back.

"from now on, i'll help you out" he stated. he felt you nod your head in agreement, head still buried in his chest.

from then on miguel made sure to coach you during mealtimes, giving you praise when you started to eat normal portions. (a/n hes channeling his inner sport mom vibes🥰). with miguels help, you started to feel more comfortable treating yourself to small treats, and even eating infront of people without caring what they thought about you.

at this moment you realized that, miguel might be your true family.

A/N: CURRENTLY SOBBING DID NOT MEAN TO MAKE THIS SO SAD IM SO SORRY PEOPLE.

on a realer note:if reader is just like u fr id encourage you to please seek some form of help/support system💞its important that u take care of urself-there are multiple free resources that you can find online just with a simple google search

small explanation ab readers fam: due to neglect, reader was never given a lot of food, and the food they made would be for their fam. and their fam would often shame them when they were allowed to eat (again, if reader is just like u fr, pls seek some sort of help)

also if we could please refrain from using the comment section to trauma dump/nbr (i am not a professional, nor am iequipped to handle other's problems)

[donnerpartyofone]

Not to be mean but people who don't feel love terrify me. Someone I really loved recently used me and threw me away then blankly said they didn't think I'd be that hurt by it when I was literally suicidal. So maybe just being honest up front rather than constantly pretending is better?? But I don't know.... Also like....I feel as if people have this sensationalized idea of what love and connection is supposed to be and when it's not exactly like a Disney movie they basically assign themselves as being totally emotionally and socially inept. Like, my loved ones annoy me but I couldn't possibly imagine not at least passively caring about the people in my life that contribute to my survival like even on a rational level it makes no sense to have ZERO response at all to that person possibly being harmed or going away. Even the sense of love you have for yourself and recognition of that, how can people not recognize that someone else also feels pain and suffers and that it does affect you even if you don't personally give a shit? Like, it affects you even in the basic design that people will think you're a shitty person if you don't even care in a rational sense or that you also might suffer under the justification? How can you function totally ignoring that each person deserves a right to life and happiness just like you do? Like idk this entire thing is just horrifying to me and makes no sense and I'm sorry if this seems like an ignorant response like I am ignorant bc I genuinely don't get it but I just wish people could feel emotions as deeply as I do and I wasn't just constantly suffering because people who don't love anyone but themselves want everyone to bend over backwards for them when they won't do it for anyone else -_- like yeah I'm sure parents also don't want to be nice all the time but they do anyway....just like everyone ever. That doesn't mean they don't love you.....it means they're human...and im sure the same is true about the kid in question....idk I guess im just a horrible person. I have to pretend to not be suffering when I feel extreme emotions so I just won't be convinced that pretending to care when you don't is worse than having to pretend not to care at all when you're exploding inside :/ idk.....I know I sound like an asshole sorry im not trying to argue I'm just throwing my two cents in where no one asked 😭💔

Sorry if I'm not reading you very well but I'm not sure if you are responding more to my description of the Reddit situation, or my description of my life.

If it's the latter, I think if you re-read my (now pinned) post you will find that I do experience compassion and sympathy and love for people, even for people I don't like; it's just that I have a really different emotional vocabulary than most people and it forces me to like translate myself all the time to make sure "normal" people feel cared for, and all I'm saying is that it makes me have to be very deliberate in my relationships where most people can just be reactive, it seems.

If it's the former, I don't really know what to tell you. Neither of us knows that person or what their whole context is. It seems to me that that person felt very conflicted and alienated by their lack of emotional access, which is pitiable. That person's parents are pitiable, too. Sounds like the Redditor has persisted in faking it, and was just venting their feelings on Reddit instead of taking it out on their family. What else can they do? Personally I feel sorry for anyone whose emotional dysfunction or deviation makes their relationship to the world hard. But you don't HAVE TO feel sorry for anyone, it's up to you and your philosophy.

One important fact is, you don't have to be involved with anyone you can't understand or sympathize with. I'm very sorry to hear you were abused. That's not fair and it shouldn't happen. It has happened to me too, and part of the reason is that my own emotional register is a little "weird" and I couldn't tell that someone was hurting me on purpose until it was too late, I thought we were just "having problems". That kind of thing sucks and no one deserves it. But the hope is that you learn from your experience and curate your company a little more safely. (NOT that it was your fault AT ALL, just that we can't control anything but our own choices) Hopefully we can move past obsessing over why people are assholes, or even evil, and gravitate toward healthier social situations in the future. If someone truly has no feelings or is sadistic, judging and worrying doesn't really improve that situation, frankly.

Finally I would pick on something that you noted about how self-love should provide a basis of comparison for how to treat others. That's actually kinda part of the problem, in my layperson's opinion. When I was in abuse situations, it eventually became clear that the abusive person is acting that way because they don't feel enough self-love--which is different from *acting selfish*. The abuser feels insufficient somehow, unlovable, and they're trying to get other people to "fix" their feelings for them. You know, my ex-boyfriend came at me with all this "I'm sad and wounded and only the love of a pure-hearted woman can fix me", and then when my freely-given love did NOT fix him, he decided everything about himself was my fault and I deserved every bad thing he did to me. I've had platonic friends like that too, who made their own happiness everyone else's responsibility and this allowed them to be total assholes to everyone. So like yeah, as cliche as it sounds, people who experience genuine self-love are usually NOT the same people who treat others poorly; assholes are very often turning dissatisfaction with themselves inside out, even though it may not look or feel that way to you and me.

But yeah if you're really just irked by the notion of sociopathy, where someone theoretically just feels nothing for others at all...there's just not too much you can do about that except try to stay away from them if at all possible.

[thatwitchrevan]

I wish asking people directly about their communication styles wasn't so weird and fraught because like there are times where even if I'd like to assume good faith it a) is hard and b) I don't feel comfortable asking about it, and I do think it's unfair to expect myself to continually assume good faith when someone is consistently communicating in a way that fucks with me and doesn't give me space to clarify.

This is about my boss. Something she does is that when I express that I'm feeling bad, she tends to immediately comment that she's also feeling bad in a way that feels like she's trying to one-up me. This has happened multiple times and the clearest example is when I called in today because I have migraine and felt like I might throw up she answered with 'yeah I've been throwing up all night.' We both know that we both have chronic migraines, but she didn't acknowledge or sympathize with me being sick and immediately talked about herself instead, and her tone definitely didn't seem like commiserating.

It's something I have an issue with because my Mom did this All The Time when I lived with her, and with her I would honestly say I don't think she was doing it out of malice or complete lack of sympathy but it was also consistent enough that I think she ought to have known better.

But then I'm not sure, and I'm certainly not sure about my boss because I don't know her as well. In my mind, it's incredibly rude to consistently respond to other people's problems by talking immediately about your own - you should say something sympathetic first to make it clear you're not dismissing or trying to outdo their statement. I think within the context of a friendly relationship you can skip that part and still gather from tone and stuff that it's commiserating rather than one-upping, like the other day my coworker said 'my back hurts' and I responded 'yeah my head hurts,' but between the way I said it and the fact that I also often respond with immediate sympathy when she says ahe feels bad, I'm very confident that she knows I do sympathize.

My boss on the other hand almost never shows signs of sympathy when I'm sick - she doesn't say 'I hope you feel better' or 'I'm sorry you feel bad' or anything, and in my opinion her also feeling bad doesn't excuse her from this social cue. But I also don't want to judge people solely on social cues and assume things about them because I'm also neurodivergent and just because I think a communication is important doesn't mean it inherently is!

But the result is I feel like she doesn't give a shit when I'm sick, and the one time she did show me sympathy I was super confused due to this. And because of the other communication issues I have with her I would never in a million years be like 'hey do you like give a fuck when I feel bad or not?' or 'I respect when you feel bad and you're welcome to mention it to me and I'm sympathetic, but could you respond to me complaining in some way before you complain back?'

And we're not friends, I have no intention of trying to be friends, but we do have to work together and I just think our professional relationship would be a lot smoother if I didn't know me saying anything about being sick is nine times out of ten gonna result in her being like 'well I feel like shit too so whatever'. Like I almost didn't call her bc I didn't want to deal with that.

The way she communicates is very confusing to me and I'm at a point where I assume most communication failure is at worst negligence and not malicious and really humans are just complex with so many ways of thinking and she may have absolutely no intent to ignore my suffering or even any awareness that she's doing that, and in fact might be completely acting in good faith. But I will likely never know cause I don't know how to talk to her and in any case the way she does respond to things bugs me to hell.

[mionemymind]

For some reason season 5 felt very different to the others. Maybe bc I didn’t watch immediately after season 4. But I enjoyed it nonetheless. Lots of little twists and turns. Have to say Steiner is such a character just so funny.

Carlos winning his first Grand Prix, I was literally jumping for joy. So happy it finally happened for him, can he’s hair be anymore perfect.

I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned how fast those guys on the pit crew can be like less than 3 seconds crazy. Pierre and Yuki’s friendship felt so natural and genuine. Loved to see the big brother little brother thing they had. Yuki, he’s a funny little guy I really liked him.

Mick Schumacher having such a tough start was hard to watch. Feeling like u need to live up to ur father who has 7 world championships. Come on that is entirely too much pressure, so many chances and possibilities to mess up just trying to measure up.

Clearly I made my opinion on Horner very clear but can the FIA be more of a joke. The budget obviously didn’t go towards the car. Never thought I’d feel bad for Red Bull or Horner but the scrutiny they went through being called cheaters was totally not right. Got me having sympathy for them. I don’t know if it’s just me but Zak from McLaren gives me such bad vibes.

Very much feeling like this is a start to the Max Verstappen dynasty. Understand why u mentioned he’s dad bc from what very little we seen of him, there was still so much to not like. Can u not seriously not ever be happy or cheer for ur son, win or god forbid lose.

Also I’ve made the unfortunate mistake of going to TikTok and following all my favorite drivers and teams. At first they were funny and happy then they got so sad, like am I really tearing up over a TikTok.

Oh no season 6 is next and that’s the last season. I also might finally be sending in that Wanda x reader request maybe? Anyway hope u have a good week.

-S

Hey S! Wanted to start off with the fact I'm unable to attach a Carlos gif on this post today. Doing this illegally on the work laptop lmaoooo (pray for me).

But some highlights that I wanted to respond to was that Pierre was Yuki's favorite teammate. Like to me, he seemed so heartbroken when Pierre was gone.

Also, that cheating scandal with Redbull sucked and Zak gets on my nerves sometimes. But his lore is crazy beause he won money from a game show and invested it into motor sports and down the line he became part of F1 and is CEO of McClaren. Like bruh! That's a fanfic right there.

But don't be too sad about season 6 being last, more is to come. Also, try and watch the F1 interviews and fun games that the drivers sometimes participate in. It's such a fun way to see them in rather than just constant racing.

But send in that request! I'll definitely consider it but don't hate if it's like months before I actually post it.

Can't wait to see your thoughts about season 6 :))

[renemesis]

if you got overwhelmed, how would your f/o(s) try to comfort you?

OMG forgor I still havent answered this one... really awesomesauce one tbh I'm the king of being overstimulated so 👍🔥💥 LETS GOOOOO

Ok so. I think all of my f/os would try to help to some degree. But the definition of "helping" ranges greatly and can be anything from making accidentally ableist 'encouraging' comments to having sympathy meltdowns JCJGJSJJGJD no goodness um. I think the ones who would handle me getting overwhelmed the best would be like... Dusa, Elliott, Raul and oddly enough Eric?? (They're not the only ones good at comfort but. Yknow .)

Dusa would definitely get sympathy jitters but all about healthy communication and finding good solutions/alternatives to problems so. Yes she is a quirky eccentric decapitated gorgon head BUT SHE'S COMPETENT!! She'd give the good ole steady breathing and "name five ___" distraction and reality anchoring tips it's so her I feel it. In my soul. Its obvious though that she's also struggling a little but like in a cute way. Like shes trying so hard and doing so good but it ends up being almost a mutual comfort situation but it's so sweet and funny that it works out in the end 👍👍💗💗

Elliott I think would worry alot but would mask that worry in favor of providing comfort and verbal assurance! Would acknowledge that the negative feelings are completely valid and understandable and would offer to leave the situation in question if possible/necessary, or just continue providing comfort unto the feelings pass. I don't think he's like. Not in the loop abt mental health or 'proper coping mechanisms' but he's a flowery poetry talk guy I can't exactly imagine him doing like cliche therapy talk at me yknow... hes just so♡♡♡♡ yeaj

Ohh Raul. Ok I very much do not imagine him being like Elli or Dusa whatsoever like let's be real here. That's not him. But also he's been alive for over 200 years and has loved and cared for people for just as long like he KNOWS ok. He's all about being honest and acknowledging the truth of the situation no matter how bad it is but nothing he says or does is meant maliciously or to make the situation worse. He's just stating what's happening so we can get past the situation quicker! So he'll give his input, offer solutions, and give assurance that no matter what choice is made he'll still be there no matter what (in his own sarcastic kinda well-meaning shithead way lol) like he's a well meaning realist who's cynical but loyal yknow... he also provides more classic comfort if needed but in an awkward old man way and I think that's so awesome 💖💖💥💥

Ok and Eric. Well um. I'll be real with you he's not a meathead or emotionally incompetent but he's so bizarre. He's so bizarre and ridiculous and especially after his death and resurrection (and the following immortality gained from it) he does not react at all like he mightve while still being a normal human. Like he COULD offer good ole physical affection or words of wisdom. And sometimes he does. But he could awfully make an awfully timed joke about the cruelty of the world or what death feels like or how he last killed a man. And like it's so out of nowhere that it makes the situation feel so ridiculous and instantly just washes away the previous negative emotions bc. How do you RESPOND to a goth zombie murderer vigilante saying whatever is going on in his mind?? Then he'll just laugh like yaay glad you're ok do you wanna feed the local stray cats now :3 LIKE HE'S SO??! And obviously I'd say yes. It's great it all works out♡

[thestarmaker]

one of my great aunts just passed away, and like yeah i'm sad bc she was nice but it's kind of a relief. she was a heavy smoker for most of her life and even tied to an oxygen tank she wouldn't give it up. i'll miss her for sure, but at least we aren't waiting for it any more. she was given 6 months to live 2 weeks and 6 months ago (which i wasn't aware of but it wasn't a secret) so she at least made it a little past what was expected. i've dealt with losing family members so it's nothing new and i know it's not bad to feel relieved, but man it really sucked watching her light a cigarette and hearing the humming and puffing of her oxygen behind the click of her lighter. there's not a point to this post, i don't need sympathy, we all knew it was coming, i guess i just wanted to fling these thoughts into the void.

[anordinarymuse]

could you do a kaz imagine based on “the moment I knew” by taylor swift?? super angst but with a happy ending 🥺 ily thank u

my dumbass thought this was for a diff char and made a whole plot for somebody else rip it's ok though enjoy and ily2 <3

departure.

Kaz Brekker x Fem!Reader

Summary : you are grisha btw a heartrender bc i'd want

Warnings : angstyish idk i tried; unedited.

Word Count : 756

A/N : i'm halfway through Crooked Kingdom.

the masterlist.

request here.

You hand your heavy second hand trunks to a sailor on the dock. You squeeze your eyes shut tight, feeling all the heartbeats of those around you pumping at different rates. You quickly open your eyes back up.

Turning back around, away from facing the boat, you study the twisty turns of the Ketterdam that lay in the far distance. The dingy smell of the city lingers in the air, mixing with the salty sea breeze. The mist of the ocean waters dust around you, leaving everything slightly damp.

"Y/N!" A familiar voice shouts, you snap your head to that direction.

"Nina?" Your ask, grinning, as she runs up to you hugging you tight. Masking the scent of cross-contaminated air is the wafting of sweet syrup and waffles surrounds Nina.

"Inej and Jesper couldn't come, something with something. I'm not to sure they didn't reveal anything," Nina's voice is filled with sorry, but you don't mind. You'd already said goodbye to them earlier that day, and if they had come you were afraid of shedding tears.

"When do you have to board?" Nina asks, staring at the large boat.

"Soon," you reply, taking a glance at your watch. Nina, for some reason, seemed angsty. "Do you have somewhere to be?"

"I do. I have an appointment thing that couldn't be switched," Nina responds sheepishly, her cheeks turning a light pink, "Have you seen Kaz?"

You bite your lip at Kaz's name, you hadn't seem since you told him when you were leaving. You were almost sure he was trying to avoid you, but you had no idea why, "I haven't."

"I'm sure he'll at least say bye," hesitance is lined in her voice. "I'm so sorry but I have to go now. I'm going to miss you so much, Y/N."

Nina pulls in for a second hug and you whisper, "Me too, Nina, write me if you can?"

"I will, promise," she squeezes you tight before letting you go, waving as she hesitantly walks away, "Bye!"

"Bye!" You wave you arm in return, watching as Nina starts as a figure then turns to a speck of nothing.

You sigh, your heart feeling heavy. When you turn back to look at the boat, a tug makes a you almost regret the decision of leaving Ketterdam. But when you think about it for a moment longer you know that you have to get back to Ravka.

Turning back around to get last looks at Ketterdam, you stare at the path that leads to the dock. You envision Kaz walking down the gravel road but you bite your lower lip when he doesn't appear.

One of the sailors walk past you and your voice is shaky when you speak to him, "Can we wait for a moment?"

The sailor looks down at his watch and looks back at you lacking any sympathy, "All I can give you is five minutes."

You nod, shoulders dropping. You stand and wait at the edge of the dock, not wanting to board to the boat quite yet. If you did Kaz not saying farewell would feel too real.

Is he really not going to come?

I should've known better.

How could I let my hopes get so high?

You feel sorry for yourself as you turn your heel, taking the two steps it takes to get aboard the ship. The bell to begin untying the boat from the posts rings, and it only makes you feel worse.

You lean against the railing of the deck, so far you almost fall off. Your eyes subconsciously study the dock, wishing Kaz would just appear.

You can hear the taunting of sailors when you really do almost fall of the side of the boat but you do your best to ignore them.

When the second to last bell rings your stomach turns, and disappointment ensues. However, as you take a last glance at the dock a shadowed figure in the far distance is running, better hobbling.

"Kaz?" Your voice high in disbelief, you can feel the drop in you jaw as the unmistakable Kaz Brekker, gloved hands, fedora and all, makes his way across the gravel path to you on the deck of the boat.

"Y/N," he replies softly not flinching when you hug him, holding him tight in your arms not wanting to let go.

"What's that?" You ask, eyeing the sturdy leather box Kaz holds by the handle. Kaz's expression remains the same but the feeling of suspicion arises.

"My luggage."

**********

taglist : @marimorena06 @missryerye @agirlwholovescoffee @nicole198205 @blackpinkdolan @gabitanaka47 @psychowanarchist @siriuspvdfoot @hufflepuffflowers @thatguppienamedbae @peachykeen3502 @missryerye @kaslupin @ayla-1605 @chazzyb73 @youngblood199456 @oranee @silly-little-bl0g @bobbyjohnsonbeat @jasgreen101 @will-to-live-who @erinblack003 @bellatrixscurls @krishavania @wh0re4blaise @thegirlwhocriedlupin @mrsaliciamalfoy @wwweasleystan @modernvellichor @westantheweasleys @lolaperezb @savagelysarcasticslytherin @zaraskyla @v4l3nt1n44 @sirisuorionblack @rinbyo @xdancinggurlx @lupinsravenclaw @hogwarts-boys @inglourious-imagines @siriuslyslyslytherin @kykymyeon @amwitherspoon @the-abyss-gazed-back @eunoia-kth @kaqua @grishaverse7 @aus10-matthews @losers-club6 @chewiethecatus @i-padfootblack-things

[ruesbike]

Something that really annoyed me in season 2 episode of Euphoria is when Jules get jealous of Rue and Elliott because she thinks Rue has a crush on him. I look back a episode 7 (I think it was) and think to myself "Jules, Rue just having a crush on someone is 1000x better than having sex with them like you did with Anna" like literally in the s1 finale while Jules does rue's makeup she talks about her weekend and straight up talks about Anna and says her kissing and biting her felt amazing you can tell Rue is uncomfortable and Jules just continues to talk about her and it's like she doesn't give a shit about Rue (i guess since Rue is really chill and she saw how happy it made Jules and didn't want to say anything) If this had been reversed Jules would probably get all jealous and shit with Rue but it'd be more obvious. I don't feel sympathy for Jules when she cries in bathroom (bitch that's how you made Rue feel and she didn't do anything yet). I'm really hoping they do bring Anna back, especially since Jules think she and Rue would get along well together, if they brought Anna back and Rue wasn't okay around her and Jules realizes that and what she did was shitty I think that would redeem her a little (or if Rue just straight up called her out on it)

Hello I'm asking various Euphoria accounts this cause that scene of Jules meeting Elliott really rubbed me the wrong way this is just my opinion so please feel free to respond on whether or not you agree/disagree

Hey thanks sm for this ask I love asks like this.

Okay there isn’t really a question in here 😭, but I’m guessing you wanted my take ? It’s long! So buckle up. (And like yours my answer is opinion based and heavily based on how I interpreted their actions )

The general consensus seems to be what you just said, “Jules can’t be upset because she suspects rue likes someone else because she liked multiple people last season and even had sex with one.” Jules is not her manic pixie dream girl and ppl hate it bc she was written as one in the first half and refused to do the job.

I disagree, and when I say this I don’t mean Jules is “right” or “wrong”, I just find the whole topic to lack any actual depth. It’s just more “you should’ve been the perfect girl for her despite what you were going through” discourse. (Again, this doesn’t mean I wasn’t also irritated or thought she had the right to do anything, when Jules was doing all this, I was livid pretty sure I have a post abt it i specifically mean ppl acknowledge it and in the same breath treat her reaction as a intentionally malice normal action for her). In short what you said makes perfect sense at surface level, if my friend randomly told me abt this relationship, I'd 100% agree with this take irl. But this is a story and we actually get to know everything and because of that, although I agree with the initial thought I don’t actually find it to be a valid reason to deny her something like jealousy over this situation.

So season one we ALL know Rue is head over heels for Jules, she’s our main character we see everything she does and feels most of the time. We empathize with her more because ultimately this show is made to shed light on rue and the stuff she struggles with, we don’t want to see her as someone capable of being flawed beyond being addicted to drugs. We all want her to make amends, we want her to have the girl she wants, we want her to enjoy her life, and even when she relapses we don’t want anyone shitting on her for it. We’re set up to be on her side no matter what. She’s an unreliable narrator, the way you and a lot of people feel abt Jules doing that in season two stems from us adopting Rues feelings and world view from season one. In season one we see her obsession with Jules, we see how much warmth and love and good intention is behind it , but in my opinion that’s why Jules seemed extra insensitive season one. We think she’s this manipulative person for “ignoring rues feelings” when it was actually shown to us again and again that Jules was always hesitant and not sure about this relationship WITH GOOD REASON but Rue is the one who doesn’t care. She just wanted her and we all thought

“well why can’t she have her they’re close enough.”

Immediately after they meet Jules started talking to Tyler for like a month or two and was at that time very clearly not going to date Rue, still Rue was in love with her. Rue liking Jules in silence while she lives her life shouldn’t count. And I only bring up Tyler to make the point that jules didn’t blatantly shrug her off for half a season, Rue just ignored the relationship Jules was building with someone else and so did we because we knew it was Nate and ultimately not going to happen. Jules had no obligation to Rue’s one sided feelings at that point. Even when Rue kissed her Jules is shocked (and still very much in to Tyler like she had been from the start)

After the festival is where it got confusing , they kiss each other and once again the audience assumes the role of rue and assumes this is now a thing. That’s what I thought as well and I still find it pretty confusing, if I was Rue I would assume the same thing. But like Ali pointed out, they never spoke about it, they were both not communicating feelings to each other after the festival. Rue legit tells her mom they’re a thing while Jules shys away from this with her dad because she had no clue I’d she wants that. Yes at that point they both knew they liked each other and it’s revealed Jules has been considering the possibility for a little bit in her episode but Jules still did not owe Rue a relationship. We all wanted a relationship but that doesn’t mean she’s wrong and horrible for not wanting one with Rue who had been a confusing weight on her chest since they met.

The second Jules meets this girl she gains a best friend and like Jules states she had never even been that close to a girl before. Their relationship was something very new for her, she didn’t take Rue as a love interest at first meanwhile we took everything she did as romantic or flirting because Rue is our lens’s and she liked her. But to Jules Rue was just this person she felt really comfortable and close with, she let her take her nudes for ffs. Then halfway through when rue finally kisses her she realizes oh...I have a crush on a girl. It’s always been a little more than platonic hasn’t it ? . She packs that up for whatever reason and still goes to see Tyler that night.

I like to think she does that because again it’s a very new realization and Tyler is already established, & easy to understand with no complex feelings. she chooses the relationship she built over what could be confused feelings for having the friendship she always dreamed of. (But she knows somewhere in there that yeah she does like rue like that). After the shit Nate pulled the last thing anyone including rue should have thought was “okay let’s hop in a relationship with rue who is in love with you” 💀. That relationship would not have helped or fixed her rue would be the only one benefiting from the romance. And it wouldn’t last long bc Jules was not okay.

Anyways, who gives a fuck about Anna ? 😭 let’s be serious. Jules Actually gets emotionally manipulated (which everyone claims she did to rue) + even more cruel shit and shuts off and leaves town. She meets a girl who feels like a happier and stable Rue(this is opinion based. Her telling rue later anna reminded her of rue is why I think we’re supposed to view her as a version of rue) , goes to a club drugged out and has jumping visions between , Stress free Rue and Nate hooking up with her. She’s clearly not okay about Tyler and is trying to free herself by moving on with someone else, that person just can’t be the real rue because the real rue isn’t okay , she can’t tell the real rue anything and she has to keep the real rue alive and well. She can’t do that as a girlfriend because again Tyler is a fresh wound and she doesn’t want to be that to anyone right now and also rue is a lot to handle just as a friend. but if she makes herself unavailable although she does like rue maybe a better time will Come. So yeah she hooks up with Anna, and yeah she tells Rue, and she also admits for the first time that she loves rue as well. She spends the whole season finale subtly begging for rue to be the rue she saw in Anna. This is a story we’re supposed to read in to shit so I believe Jules behavior in the last episode is her trying to make rue into the version of her she saw in Anna. Jules legit comes home with this new love and gives Rue a makeover to make her a little more like the girl she met over the weekend. The version she can ask to run away with her to the city and party because that Rue isn’t anxiety ridden or severely depressed or struggling to stay clean because whether she does or doesn’t is dependent on Jules being mentally sound enough to I dunno not ask her to do exactly this.

The whole Jules and Anna thing to me at first read as exactly what you’re saying. Then I thought on it some more after the special episodes and realized well it’s not really that is it. It’s not simply “I love you and Anna” it’s more so “I love Anna because I love you and she is what I wished you could be but you’re the real thing. I want you, Rue Bennett, to kiss me”

Does that mean all is forgiven and that wasn’t confusing as fuck emotionally? No it just means all in all Jules telling Rue (who she never expressed interest in being in a relationship with Vice versa) about it doesn’t get to be hung out to dry because Rue wanted to date her while she was clearly interested in other people. Nobody gets to hold It against her that she sought out relationships and one night stands with other people while Rue liked her and she knew bc she was SINGLE and simply did not pick Rue it doesn’t matter that she liked her back she still did not pick her romantically. To be fair Rue is supposed to be unreliable and we see that because Jules was actually very clear abt how she felt in some of her scenes. Specifically when Lexi tells her rue is happy because of her Jules asks her to not repeat that. She doesn’t want that on her plate. When she picks rue up and states she’s not trying to be friends with someone who’s trying to kill themselves. She’s repeatedly setting that boundary even though we know she wants to cross it because she loves her and Everytime she gets too close (the pool, the station, the kiss after the festival) she’s never in her right mind and the next day she steps back for her sanity. And if a simple let’s not cross that line isn’t enough, her reasons for pulling a will they won’t they are. She loves rue, but rue comes with a lot of convoluted emotions she will constantly be sorting through. And they’re not the simple teenage things either.

It’s am I a bad person for fighting with her because she might relapse ?

Can I talk to my partner about shit going on with me ? Because she has a lot going on I can’t add to that.

Can I be someone’s reason for sobriety ? Am I evil for not wanting to ?

What if she dies ?

What if it’s like this forever

Is this like mom?

SHES SEVENTEEN. Shit nobody could even handle this shit at 20. It will always be stressful no matter what. But in high school ? You’ve barely figured your world out yet.

Liking Jules when Jules liked Tyler ≠ Jules ignoring Rues feelings

Kissing Rue while distressed and never talking abt it ≠ relationship

Jules hooking up with Anna ≠ cheating on a significant other

Knowing someone likes you a LOT does not mean you owe them anything. Imagine if rue was a boy this would legit be on the nice guys Reddit.

So to answer the it initial “why is she jealous when she liked other people season one” ...

I know I’m saying it a lot but RUE IS UNRELIABLE, she is the one to say Jules is jealous , but Jules in her own words says the reason she feels weird about Elliot is because of how rue acted when they were introduced( I know she said rue has a crush on him but we hear her say in an episode preview that it’s actually because she thinks Eliot is not telling her something...I rather go with what actually came out of Jules mouth in her own scene with someone rather than what rue remembers bc evidently, Rue remembers things how she wants to). But if we use the crush line, Jules saw him the night they reconnected and rue was clearly using, she doesn’t know if he was someone rue got intimate with and now doesn’t want to tell her. Rue would act the same way if she had met Anna (she actually does feel this way bc of what she said in the car) and BOTH ARE VALID, they can’t be wrong for being jealous of ppl their partner had something with when they weren’t together and that person is still around 😭. You’re gonna feel a way no matter what even if one told you up front about it while you smiled and the other tried to hide it behind their back.

Jules doesn’t need to be redeemed, last time I spoke about her and the things she did season one I said if she acknowledged it and apologized that’s redemption enough, she does apologize for the train station to rue and she sheds a lot of light on her season one actions all in one episode. She’s not a villain , and she did her part to make amends. Rue is never gonna apologize for placing her sobriety on her, placing them in a unspoken relationship Jules isn’t ready to get in to. But that’s because rue is still actively going through the wringer and Every time she’s done and back to her right state of mind, she does apologize and attempt to make amends. She hasn’t been okay since we met her because staying clean is not the only thing weighing her down mentally. This season is her outward spiral and how she will redeem herself Jules’s spiral is over and she’s righted her wrongs.

[autisticlenaluthor]

do not worry about not answering my ask right away! it's all good! it made me more excited for the eventual infodump :)

i actually did know the one about starbucks and childhood cancer! also, i'm curious what you'd have to say about lena and make a wish in your cancer au. i have Thoughts (either her parents would be super opposed bc "she's not that bad" or they'd be all for it and use it to be like "oh look how sick our daughter is, pity us") but i want to know what YOU think. unless it's spoilers, then you don't have to tell me.

okay i have soooo many things to say about this and I'm sorry I didn't respond earlier but prepare for the can of worms you've just opened because it is a big one (and ty for asking bc it gives me an excuse to infodump about this fic)

so in terms of lena being sick and when her symptoms are taken seriously- it all depends on when it can help the family and Luthor Corps image and that sort of thing. so like- lena's weight loss in the earlier childhood chapters wasn't taken seriously by Lillian because to her, it impacts nothing. just keeps lena in the hospital longer. and when lena is also refusing to eat, Lillian also views it as a moral shortcoming. in her eyes, lena is choosing to let her side effects impact her enough that she stops eating and loses enough weight to keep her in the hospital.

in the same vain, when lena is supposed to go to that gala in ch 10(?idk somewhere around there) the dress lionel buys her has spaghetti straps and has a lower neckline so that people will be able to see the wires and electrodes of the portable EKG lena's attached to. the medical device she's wearing makes her look even more visibly ill when photographed which brings more sympathy to the family which means more attention, donations, and monetary support.

so with a make-a-wish sort of thing, the thought process would be less about whether lena actually needs it or not, but how it would make the family look. make-a-wish and all other wish granting services or non profits for kids are free and typically run on fundraisers and donations. multi-millionaires taking advantage of that service when they could very easily afford to on their own grant a wish of lena's (or hire someone to do it for them) when there are other kids who depend on donations and non profits would not be a good look and Lillian knows that. it would look way better to the public eye if the family did some sort of big gesture for lena on their own but of course, they would never do that.

that doesn't mean they don't use the "oh she's so sick, pity us" angle in other ways. but typically, what they would do is have lena attend events or plaster her face across magazines and advertisements so people feel sorry for her and the Luthors look like they're super attentive and caring parents when really, all they're doing is forcing her to attend galas and photoshoots she isn't healthy enough to handle.

BUT when explaining these sorts of things to lena, (like telling her why she can't have a wish) they would tell her it is because she isn't sick enough. i feel like the explanations would vary by the day which makes lena skeptical as she gets older because clearly they care enough to withhold a wish but not enough to give her a solid reason as to why. some days lillian tells her she doesn't need one because she already has everything she could possibly want. some days it's because she isn't that bad and there are kids far sicker than she is. and some days it's because luthor's don't accept handouts and she's too good to want some sort of pity wish.

obvi that kinda thing wouldn't just apply to just wishes but any kind of thing where lena could get some sort of service that might help her or make her happy.

anyways that was a lot and idk if any of it made any sense- but I hope it at least kind of answered your question <3

[babineni]

The Path Not Traveled (part 2 of 2)

Sooo... ages ago I started writing my own take on Edér’s personal quest in Deadfire and I finally managed to kick my own butt to finish it. Here’s roughly 3800 words of... whatever this is.

Part 1 here:

Gaura took a deep breath as she left the Temple of Gaun, trying to clear the oppressive smell of mold and incense filling the sanctum. Just as she was about to take another, her nostrils were struck by a sweet and earthy scent she knew well.  Edér exhaled a puff of smoke when he felt her gaze on him and winked at her, trying convey some semblence of confidence. But Gaura still saw that he bit on the stem of his pipe slightly harder than he usually did.

'So... To the Gullet, then?' The Watcher let out a tired sigh. 'Wonderful.'

'At least this time we won't have to scour the place for decades old clues,' Edér tried to cheer themselves up. 'Though, at this point... wouldn't even be surprised, if we did.'

'This does feel a bit familiar,' Gaura added. If she had to be honest with herself, this was an understatement. The longer the search went on the stronger she felt it: that Edér once again gambled his peace and happiness on something that he would ultimately fail to reach. 'I just hope... Can you promise me something, Edér?'

'What?'

'If this reunion doesn't go the way you'd like... Can you promise me that you'd still come away with some measure of peace?' The Watcher gave the farmer an apoligetic look for her request.

He let smoke escape his mouth slowly, frowning, carefully processing his friend's words.

'Dunno. I'd just prefer if we left with what we came here for.'

'And what would that be?' Gaura crossed her arms.

'I told you...'

'I know what you told me. But you've gotta be more specific than that.'

Edér glared at the Watcher for a moment. Then he emptied his half-smoked pipe, cursing under his breath, and put it away.

'Y'know how I been rebuilding Dyrford for these few years? Was trying to make it a normal village. I wanted it to be the kinda place that really felt like the home we had before the war. In a way, I was... turning it into something like Gilded Vale used to be,' he rubbed a sore spot on the back of his neck. 'But it didn't feel the same.'

'I can think of a few reasons why you might've felt that way.'

'Yeah,' Edér chuckled somewhat bitterly, 'I do make it sound like I was turning Dyrford into something it wasn't but... that's not what really happened. And that's not what kept gnawing at me,' he averted his gaze from the Watcher almost as if he was ashamed. She waited for him to continue but the words did not come.

'It was you,' she guessed. 'You realized that... even if you managed to bring your old life back somehow,' Gaura cossed her arms and sighed sympathetically, 'you no longer would've had a place in it.'

'Dunno 'bout that,' he replied, 'haven't really felt I had a place anywhere for 15 years or so. I got used to it.' The veteran stayed quiet for a few moments. Gaura couldn't tell if he was pondering her words to find some new revelation about himself or if he was wondering if she spoke out of experience. 'But... I dunno maybe you're right.'

'And how does Elafa come into the picture?'

'She's...' Edér stopped himself to choose the words that followed cautiosly. 'She's pretty much the only person from Gilded Vale who knew me before the war and didn't see me anything other than who I was when I came back. If... If I'm gonna have a family one day... If I'm to give them a life free from the hate and violence that drove her away in the first place... Then I need her,' he let his head hang for a moment before he looked Gaura in the eye, his eyes full of clarity and sincerity. 'Because I can barely remember what that life was like.'

The Watcher's heart sunk and yet those words still left her with discomfort. 'So you want to move forward by going backwards and you just hope Elafa would remember your past for you?!'

'It's hardly fair, I know...'

'And it's really unhealthy.'

'I know, but I can't help it,' he stepped closer to her as he pleaded, 'and I'll try my hardest to make her happy in turn, I swe-'

Gaura raised a hand to silence him. 'It's not me you need to convince. I promised I would help.'

Edér let out a sigh of relief.

'But you gotta fill me in on what exactly went down between the two of you.'

'Yeah... Sure,' the farmer nodded somewhat awkwardly. Gaura gestured towards the stairway running beside the Temple of Gaun and leading to the bridge to the Gullet.

When the Defiant arrived at Neketaka, Edér asked the Watcher to go with him alone. Elafa was a suspicious sort, he said, and as strange as it felt to travel without her companions, Gaura was now grateful to be left alone to process Edér's recollections. He told her of all the times he asked Elafa to be more than just friends sharing a bed on occasion, and of all the times she said no. He told her of the day his parents left the Dyrwood and how he found himself back with his old Eothasian flock - or better to say what was left of it. He told her of the days leading up to the Purges in Gilded Vale. He told her of the Reaping, his reunion with Elafa, her Hollowborn son. He told her of the offer he made once again, and how Elafa said no. He told her of Elafa's escape. He told her of the offer he made for the last time and how, for the last time, she said no.

'I'm really sorry, Edér, for both of you,' Gaura knew how great an effort it was for her friend to open up to her like this, and she knew such a flimsy show of sympathy was probably an inadequate response.

Edér didn't seem to think the same. 'Don't be,' he said with a rueful smile. 'Should've told you about this a long time ago, I reckon. I just... Never been good at this sorta thing.'

'It's fine, I get it,' the Watcher swallowed thinking of all things she kept from Edér. All the fears she couldn't afford to show, the wear and tear she had to hide, the uncertainty that once defined her every waking moment but for the first time she wasn't sure how to adapt to it. She didn't know how long she stayed quiet as they walked beside one another, crossing the bridge that seemed endless.

'Promise me something, Edér,' Gaura broke the silence eventually. 'Promise me... that you stop looking to others to grant you peace. There are... things to which the world doesn't have an answer, but you still might find it within you. Promise me you'll start looking for those answers within.'

The Watcher looked to her friend, whose poorly concealed and uncharacteristic anxiety was now replaced with open worry.

'You don't think you can convince her, do you?'

'Even if I can, do you think things with her will turn out the way you want them to? That you can go back to the days before the war?'

Edér didn't respond. He looked at the bridge ahead and Gaura glimpsed a look on his face that she only ever saw once: five years before on the fields of ClÎaban Rilag, when she failed to give him the answers he desperately needed.

'I'm really sorry,' she apologized once more. She wasn't sure if she did it for the past or the present.

'Yeah, so am I,' he took out his pipe but this time his movements reflected resignation rather than just nerves. 'I know you mean well, and twenty years ago I would've been real grateful for the advice... Hel, I'm kinda grateful for it now... It's just that...'

'I know. It hurts like Hel. But with Eothas out there, doing who knows what... It's probably not the best idea to make anyone an anchor,' the Watcher scratched her chest right above her chimes.

Edér chuckled. 'Yeah, I definitely needed to hear that twenty years ago.'

'Ugh, twenty years ago... I didn't even have my horns yet,' the Watcher remembered. 'I was just a squishy ball of flame.'

'You still are.'

Gaura elbowed him in the side, prompting him to laugh. She couldn't help but laugh with him. None of them said anything for a moment but they both knew they needed that laugh. Then the moment passed.

'Can't promise anything,' Edér said. 'I was told I shouldn't make anchors.'

'Wow. I guess, I should be glad you listened.'

The sun was already setting by the time they reached the Gullet. Gaura wasn't surprised to see all the Dawnstars walking around aimlessly. The Rauataians either stayed at Hasongo or left for the Brass Citadel. The Children of the Dawnstars, however, only had the Temple of Gaun to themselves, and when that filled up, there was only one option left.

'Let's start with The Hole,' the Watcher suggested, 'if she isn't there, we'll check the Sanctuary. If she isn't there, we'll start asking around.'

Edér, however, wasn't listening. His gaze was fixed on a lanky boy with brown hair and freckles so prominent that Gaura could see them even from a distance. The farmer swallowed hard, then approached him. The Watcher had to skip to keep up with his long and determined strides.

'Hey, kid,' he called out. When the boy met Edér's gaze, he stopped in his tracks and whatever confidence he had disappeared in a second.

'Fine day to you,' the boy spoke cautiously. He took a double take at the flames framing Gaura's head then forced his gaze back to Edér. ' Is... there something I can help you with?'

'I'm looking for someone. Uh... She's my age, about this tall, always wears her hair in braids, she's got freckles just like yours...' Edér's words replaced the look of caution with a look suspicion on the boy's face, but he didn't seem to notice. 'Her name is Elafa. Elafa Maesy.'

'What do you want with her?'

'Nothing bad, I'm an old friend of hers,' Edér slightly lifted his empty palms.

'I know all of mother's friends and you don't look like any of them,' the boy crossed his arms.

'Oh...' the veteran froze for a fraction of a moment. 'You really are her son... Just as I thought,' the boy raised an eyebrow at Edér, prompting him to continue. 'I've known her before you were born. Has she never mentioned me? Edér? Teylegc? From Gilded Vale?'

The boy's eyes widened slightly and stepped forward, interested. 'She mentioned Gilded Vale before, but only like it was a slip of the tongue. I could never get her to talk about it.'

'Yeah... she didn't exactly leave under pleasant circumstances.'

The boy frowned. 'And how do I know she wasn't running from you?'

'Well, you don't,' Edér scratched the back of his head. 'Huh, you've got her spirit.'

The boy's frown deepened.

'You just need to trust us,' Gaura said. 'And we're a trustworthy bunch, just ask anyone here.'

The boy cocked his head at the Watcher and watched her silently for a short while. Then he gasped as if a realization dawned on him.

'You're the Captain of that Dyrwoodan ship! The Defiant, was it? Everyone is talking about you here.'

'We might've helped out a bit,' Gaura gave him a knowing smile.

'I... suppose... you're not here to start trouble then, the boy turned back to Edér. 'We're renting a room in The Hole. Mother is probably there, she doesn't like being out in such a crowd.'

'But the Gullet is always crowded,' the Watcher added.

'Exactly,' the boy smiled at her, satisfied with his display of wit.

'Just one more thing: what's your name, kid?' Edér asked.

'Bearn.'

'How old are you, Bearn?'

'I'm turning 17 soon, why?'

Edér's expression darkened as he made his calculations.

'Then... you're too young... Never mind, thanks for your help,' he rushed past the boy, leaving him dumbfounded.

'Uh, I gotta catch up to him,' Gaura gestured towards her companion. 'We'll be docked at Queen's Berth for the next couple of days, if you wanna chat. Bye.' She quickly said her goodbyes and gently pushed her way through the crowd slowly forming around her.

Edér was already talking to the innkeeper by the time the Watcher reached him. He took a deep breath and reached for his pipe, but just as he was about to light it, he stopped. He stared at nothing in particular, then he put away the pipe and looked at Gaura.

'You might get yelled at, so... Sorry about that in advance.'

'I'm used to it, but thanks,' the Watcher replied with a reassuring smile. Edér made his best effort at returning it then he stood up to guide her to Elafa's room. 'Ready?' Gaura asked as they stood facing the plain wooden door.

'Not really,' he said as he knocked.

There was no reply.

'Elafa?' Edér called out. 'It's me, Edér. Remember me?'

Still, there was no reply, but Gaura glimpsed a shadow moving under the door. She turned to Edér who gave her a nod - he noticed it too.

'I know, it's been a while but uh... Got some business here in the Deadfire and I thought I'd come and see you. Been to Hasongo too. I uh... I'm really sorry for what happened there.'

The door still didn't open but Elafa was standing right behind it, Gaura was sure of it.

'Maybe she can see us, too,' she whispered to Edér.

'Oh, right,' he aswered before he turned his attention back to the door. 'I'm here with a friend. Best one I made in years. No need to worry about her, she can be trusted.'

For a moment there was silence and then...

'You still believe in friendship? After everything that's happened?'

Edér was left speechless for a moment. The Watcher saw about a dozen different emotions flashing across his face, finally setting on a mixture of relief and tenderness.

'I missed your voice.'

Elafa hesitated with her answer.

'You didn't answer my question.'

'Sorry, I got a bit... Yeah, I learned to believe in it again.'

The door finally opened. However as soon as Elafa's gaze fell on the Watcher's face, she pulled out a pistol and pointed it right at her head.

'Charmed, I’m sure,' Gaura let out an exasperated sigh.

'Elafa, there's no need-'

'You're "making friends" with Magranites now?!' Elafa's voice rang with fury and old heartbreak.

'I'm not a-'

'What's that supposed to mean?' Edér asked before Gaura could protest.

'You know godsdamned well! But I never thought you would bed someone who would hunt us,' Elafa's gun wavered in front of Gaura's face. She shot a confused look at Edér who replied with an equally confused shrug.

'I think you got the wrong idea about us,' the Watcher said. 'And especially about me.'

'Is that so?' Elafa laughed bitterly. 'Then just who are you supposed to be?'

'Gaura, Captain of the Defiant, the Watcher of Caed Nua, the Herald of Berath and a friend of Edér's.'

Elafa's expression slowly softened. She turned to Edér for a moment who nodded in agreement with the Watcher. She lowered the pistol as she turned her gaze back to Gaura.

'Then... You're the one who ended the Legacy.'

'That's me. Edér helped too. A lot.'

'I was target practice for her enemies,' he joked. But Elafa didn't laugh.

'If you'd done it sooner, I'd have two sons now instead of one.'

Gaura looked away for a moment, trying to hide her guilt. This was not the first time she had to face the sorrow of a mother whose child has been taken by the Legacy, only to see their neighbors' restored. It hasn't gotten easier.

'I'm sorry I couldn't help your child. But I can help you and your other son now.'

'We're hunting Eothas now,' Edér explained. 'Whatever he's up to, we'll make sure he doesn't get to hurt you or Bearn. You have my word.'

'As well as mine.'

Elafa looked to Edér and scoffed. 'Again you're fighting our god. You really haven't changed.'

'You got tougher, though. Looks good on you,' the comment has earned him a faint smile.

'And you still make clumsy moves, I see.'

Gaura watched silently as the tension between her friend and his old flame started to relieve. She was just about to offer to leave them alone when Elafa invited them both into her room. There was barely enough space in there for two beds and a table with some stools.

'So what brings you to the sunniest spot in Neketaka?' Elafa made a poor effort at humor as they got seated.

'You, pretty much,' the Watcher answered.

Elafa blinked at her in disbelief. 'You really came down here, just to meet up? How did you even know I was here?'

'That's... a long story,' Edér added. 'But it's true. Just wanted to catch up, is all.'

Elafa stared at the farmer's hand for a few moments. Edér rubbed an old scar there when he felt her gaze on the back of his hand.

'I remember the last time we just had some catching up to do,' she said.

'Yeah, me too.'

'Didn't even matter, in the end. The babe died on the way to New Heomar. He was... too frail to handle the journey.'

Edér shifted his weight uncomfortably, and Gaura caught a glimpse of sorrow in his eyes.

'Really sorry to hear that,' he said.

Silence spread in the room, and grew more and more suffocating with each second passed. The relief the Watcher sensed earlier was gone and she again found herself wanting to leave.

'Did you ever regret it?' Edér eventually asked the question that hung heavily in the air. 'That you didn't let me come along?'

Elafa just watched him for a while, trying to figure out how to respond.

'There was one night. When the mobs took my husband. I thought back how you fought those guards to help me and my son escape. I thought... maybe you could've saved him too.'

Edér quietly acknowledged the answer and reached for his pipe. 'You mind?' he asked. Elafa shook her head. The veteran lit the pipe and took a long draw from it. The way he exhaled the smoke almost seemed like a sigh.

'So you got married.'

'Had a son, was widowed, sailed out to start over,' Elafa chuckled ruefully. 'I'm getting real good at that last bit.'

Edér kept nodding to himself. Gaura elbowed him in the side and gave him a pointed look. When he didn't seem to catch her meaning she spoke up.

'We could help you with that actually. Well... Edér could. I currently live on a sloop.'

Elafa raised an eyebrow at the Watcher. 'How so?'

'I left Gilded Vale too,' Edér finally found his voice. 'Settled down in Dyrford instead and became the mayor. We... still got a few empty plots of land. Free for anyone willing to take care of them.'

'And you think I'd want to take on that offer, huh?' Elafa said bitterly. 'Y'know when we left New Heomar, we could've gone anywhere in the world. We could've stayed in the Dyrwood, we could've stayed in the Eastern Reach. But we came here instead.'

'Guess, that's a no.'

'That, it is.'

Gaura sighed and leaned forward on her stool. 'Elafa, you left before Eothas came to Hasongo, so you probably don't know the state the outpost is in. It's... not good. Even if it was possible to rebuild everything as it was, would it not be wiser to consider your options?'

'I have considered them: I get to choose between uncertainty in a safe community or comfort surrounded by people ready to backstab me at any moment...'

'I would never let that happen, Elafa,' Edér's tone was tense but sincere.

'I know,' she smiled at him, 'but I can neither ignore nor forget what happened in the last twenty years. I'd rather face hardship here than what I've left behind.'

'So you're just gonna run?'

'And you're just gonna hold on to something that is long gone. Why do you think I refused to let you come along?' Elafa looked Edér in the eye and sighed, bracing herself. 'Edér, no matter how sweet you were... Nothing could've worked between us. Not after the war. I was willing to adapt but you... you tried so hard not to let the war change you. It was endearing but... That was it. I couldn't be like you and I couldn't take this away from you.'

'Why, that is good to know,' Edér said with gritted teeth after a few moments that felt like an eternity. 'And it would've been good to know twenty years ago too,' he stood up. 'Y'know there was a lot I was willing to do for you... There still is... '

'I can tell,' Elafa seemed strangely heartbroken as she spoke, 'which is why I think you should go.'

'Agreed.'

'But I...' Gaura wanted to protest but neither Edér nor Elafa seemed interested in what she had to say. She sighed as she stood up as well. 'You see, Caed Nua may be gone, but know that you have a place by my hearth wherever that may be. Edér's friends are my friends.'

'I can see why he likes you,' Elafa glanced at Edér leaving the room. 'Take care of him, will you.'

'Yeah and you take care too,' the Watcher flashed a quick and apologetic smile at her before she left as well.

Gaura hurried after the farmer down the hallway. She caught up to him at the base level of The Hole. He didn't seem particularly angry or sad. Just tired. 'Sorry about how things went down back there,' she approached him. 'I should've done more...'

'Hey, cut it out,' he gave her a faint half-smile. 'You've done more than enough. Guess, you were right about... Well... Everything.'

Gaura wasn't sure what else she could've said. So she embraced him without another word. Edér hugged her back, hesitantly at first, then so tightly it nearly hurt.

'Edér, you're squeezing the soul outta me.'

'Sorry about that. Lemme buy you a pint as a proper apology,' he inclined his head towards the bar.

'A pint of the swill from here? You're trying to kill me?'

The veteran managed to laugh at that. It was a half-hearted laugh at best, but it was something. Gaura could work with that. Whatever small measure of peace she could help him achieve was worth the effort.

[violentviolette]

hi do u know how to cope with a narc crash? i don't know what to do. i kinda fucked up and pushed someone away who usually gives me supply. i'm gonna make amends bc i dont want him to feel bad. i hope he forgives me. what can i do until then? i currently feel like absolute shit and unable to leave my bed.

oof, that sucks anon. u have my sympathies. crashes are fucking terrible.

for me I usually like to try to remind myself that I still have value? like I look at it like a jenga tower, when I crash all the pieces fall to the floor, so one by one I try to start restacking them.

I'm the kinda person who responds well to "treats" or doing special things for myself so I usually start there. I'll light a candle that I really like to smell or go take a really long relaxing bath and treat myself really nicely to remind myself what it's like to feel good again. also eat something, idk about u but when I crash I dont eat, which only makes the negative feelings worse. so make sure ur taking care of ur bodily functions or ur gonna be fighting an uphill battle.

then once my body feels good I'll maybe do something that makes me feel smart or fun, like beating a video game or even just talking to other people who like me or will be positive with me. if u have anyone who ur honest with about ur disorders u can also ask them for help. when I feel worthless or useless I'll go to my wife and say "hey I'm feeling like a sack of shit today can u tell me I'm awesome?" or more generically "hey I'm feeling really down on myself today can u reassure me that u like me and enjoy my company?"

so I'd say start with that kinda stuff. treat urself to nice things that make u feel good because even if u did do something wrong, ur still a person which means u deserve to feel good again. we all make mistakes but a mistake never makes u worthless, so if u feel worthless u dont deserve that and that's what u gotta remember. u have value. u matter. u dont deserve to feel worthless. it's okay to do things to make urself feel good. it's okay to feel good. u never have to earn kindness from urself.