#and queer love saves them world and nobody dies

[princess-glassred]

IT 2017 Role/Personality Swap AU

An au where everybody gets switched <3

Henry Bowers

Growing up with an abusive monster like butch Bowers is hard, but if you're strong enough you can overcome anything. That's what Henry always says anyways, he's only 12 years old and has been through hell and back, so the fact he's remained a kind, brave, sweet kid is quite miraculous. He's determined to help others and be a hero so nobody will ever have to go through what he did ever again. He feels immense guilt for what happened between his father and Connor and how he wasn't around to protect him, but that just makes him fight harder.

He suffers from awful nervous tics and anxiety due to his abusive upbringing, and people have bullied him for it for a long long time, but once again, something like that doesn't stop Henry, it just makes him fight back harder.

When fighting the evil comsic entity known as Maturin, Henry seeks guidance from the kindly creator of worlds, pennywise, via the moon. He urges Henry to save everyone and never stop fighting, even when he gets scared or feels like he can't go on.

He grows up to be a wonderfully successful artist, holding galleries and making paintings based off his complicated childhood.

Upon reuniting with his old friends Maturin tries to conjure up hallucinations of his father to scare him, but even that won't stop him.

Bill Denbrough

Bill Debrough is a 15 year old boy with a lot of issues. He's violent, abusive, cruel, and the sad part is he wasn't always like this.

Before his brother died Bill was a very happy kid, but after his funeral his parents became horrifically neglectful, until Bill felt he could only ever get attention by acting in the worst ways possible.

He's walking a tight rope of sanity, and unfortunately he loses his mind quite early on. On day, Maturin sends him a paper boat through after his parents yell at him that when unfolded, simply reads "kill them." over and over again. After killing his parents he attempts to kill the losers club and is promptly arrested by Butch Bowers and his partner, where he is then sent to juniper hills to rot for the next 27 years. Even inside of Juniper Hills Bill isn't safe, s Maturin gives him visions and makes Georgie's corpse visit him sometimes. The only solace Bill has anymore is writing, but to anyone else they look like the chicken scratches of a mad man. Just pages and pages and pages of "The turtle can't get us." over and over. Maturin eventually breaks Bill out via the rotting corpse of his old bestie, Ben Hanscom, and tells him to go kill the losers. He very nearly succeeds but is thankfully killed before he seriously hurts anyone.

Greta Keene

Greta Keene seems like she'd have it all, she's pretty, her dad's a rich pharmacist, and she lives up on the nicer side of town with all the other rich kids in Derry. Greta is hiding a secret though, a dirty dirty little secret. She likes girls. And ONLY girls. To overcompensate for this she often acts hypersexually and makes jokes about boys alot, which most people find annoying and gets alot of slut accusations thrown her way. She's bullied alot because of this, and the fact her dad is a known creep doesn't help with her reputation at all. When she's with her friends she's very sarcastic and quite sharp, often making jokingly mean girl esque comments to annoy them for fun. She does care about one of her friends though, especially one that she's been in love woth for the past 27 years.

She grows up to be a sucessful model with a relatively happy life, but her feelings for her friend and internalized homophobia prevent her from being truly happy. When she gets back to Derry she winds up having to confront her own painful queer upbringing, including a terrible incident at the mall that involved a misunderstsnding with Beverly Marsh, Bill Debrough, and a giant hyperfeminine mannequin chas her through the parking garage.

She eventually learns to accept these feelings as they are, but unfortunately her one true love is killed by maturin in the final battle. Before she leaves Derry for the last time though, she makes sure to stop by the kissing bridge and carve in a quick G+M to remember her by...

Richie Tozier

Richie Tozier is the kind of guy who just never grows up, son of the rich dentist Wentworth Tozier, Richie seems to have a real chip on his shoulder for no reason. It's pretty clear thst underneath all his petulant, bratty behavior, is a kid who hates his glasses and crooked teeth so much he lashes out at innocent people to make himself feel better about it. He makes a lot of cruel jokes at other people's expense, and particularly likes targeting Connor Bowers because he's queer. He's done all sorts of awful things to him, most notabley when he found him hiding in the boys bathroom stall, called him a fairy, and dumped a bag of trash over him. He never grows up or matures at all, staying in Derry forever and ever, working as his dad's receptionist, reading MAD magazines to pass the time away, and just generally being a loser who peaked in middle school.

Myra Kaspbrak

Poor Myra Kaspbrak was never taught how to be a kid. Her father took to adultifying her after her mother left, and that lead to a miriad of issues for Myra as she was expected to constantly worry about her younger siblings and fathers needs, but never her own.

She's picked on at school for being a fat, nervous wreck, and often called "mama" by Bill Denbrough and Richie Tozier. She just wants to be a kid, but that's impossible for her when she's never allowed to be free from her father's constant begging for attentioin and care. Her biggest fear takes the shape of a homeless leper that begs to be taken care of by her forever and ever, and the worst part is she never really gets to escape this life style.

She kinda gets coerced into marrying a man who acts and looks just like her father, some one who's problems with his own parent has turned him into a whining man baby who "needs" Myra to watch over him all the time.

When she goes back to Derry she has to stop by old Wentworth Toziers dentist office to retrieve a bracelet she lost there when she dropped her sister off for a check up. She's extra nervous about it because Richie's gonna be there ofc, and the last time they ever talked was when he scribble "LOSER" on a cast she got.

The check up with Wentworth takes a terrifying turn when he brings up the prospect of her having mouth cancer and it being an awful thing to go through because "You can't do anything with cancer. Can't eat, can't drink, can't take care of the people you love.".

She gets attacked by the leper again, but manages to make it out and back to her friends, but poor Myra ends up dying later on anyways.

All the losers are badly shaken up by this, but none more so than Greta, who actually confesses she was deeply in love with her but just never got the chance to admit it. It's all deeply sad, but at least she doesn't have to take care of anyone anymore...

Eddie Kaspbrak

Eddie Kaspbrak practicslly forced Myra to marry him, and he doesn't really care how it's affected her. He looks eerily similar to Myra's father, and acts eerily like him too, using things like weaponized incompetence and guilt tripping to make Myra stay with him and act like his mother.

He doesn't really care about Myra at all, and is just using her to fill the hole left by his abusive controlling mother that smothered him til he could hardly take care of himself. He likes to invent new illnesses and pretend to have them just to make her worry more, and when she tries to go back to Derry he cries that if she leaves he won't be able to remember to take his pills or use his inhaler or do pretty much anything.

The very last time Myra ever talks to him is when he obsessively calls her from his car and DEMANDS she stay on the phone and reassure him that he won't get in a car wreck.

Connor Bowers

Connor was forced to move in with his cousin and uncle butch sometime after his mom died, and sadly this was not a very happy or kind place to be.

Butch began to sexually abuse Connor after only about a year of living there, making sure to do it only when Henry wasn't around to see it.

The details of this abuse are too gorey to mention, but it deeply affected Connor and made an already isolated child feel even more isolated.

After one incident where Butch commented on how much he loved Connors cute curly hair though, Connor just kind of snapped and buzzed it all off in a fit of rage.

In addition to the sexual abuse, at school he would be picked on for being visibly queer and in the closet.

Many people just loved to call him slurs and beat the crap out of him, especially Richie Tozier, who actually seemed to be projecting his own closeted feelings onto him more than anything.

Henry probably would have helped Connor had he asked, but Butch often threatened to hit Henry more if Connor ever told him about what he was doing, so he just kept quiet about all of it.

He did find the strength to fight back on his own, stabbing butch in the neck and running off to the sewers with his cousin and friends, but child protective services ended splitting Henry and him up after they defeated Maturin.

As an adult Connor becomes a very famous game developer, having turned his coping mechanism of arcade games into a lucrative career. Unfortunately he winds up in a very similar situation to Myra though, where he hastily marries the first gay guy who will accept him, only to find out he's an abusive creep just like Butch.

After they were split up Henry and Connor kind of forgot the other existed, but they manage to reconnect through their fight with Maturin.

Connor does actually get a happy though, he manages to put his past behind him, get a much needed divorce, and runs off to go live with his cousin on a big yacht somewhere. Hooray!

Beverly Marsh

Nobody really knows what happened to Beverly Marsh, and frankly nobody wants to. She never left much of an impact on anyone, but the impact she left on Greta Keene fucked with her for basically her whole life.

They only met once, when Bev was visiting from portland to see her old friends, and she and the rest of the Denbrough gang decided it'd be fun to stop by the mall.

While Bill and his other friends were off at the food court, Bev stopped in a store to take a look around.

Greta was shopping there too, and once she noticed how lost Bev seemed to be in the make up aisle, Greta offered her some help.

They talked for a bit, Bev mentioning how she's not used to make up or being super feminine and Greta telling her which shades would match her skintone.

Looking back on it now, she was definitely crushing on Bev, but only because she reminded her a little bit of Myra.

After they were finished with the make up, Greta awkwardly asked if she'd like to look at the clothing racks with her, even offering to buy her something if she wants.

Before Bev could even respond though, Bill and the rest of the gang come looking for her and see them in a pretty compromising position.

In panic, she calls Greta a dyke and tells her to fuck off, catching her off gaurd and hurting Greta quite a bit.

Bill's reaction is even worse, not only because bill's homophobic, but he's had a crush on Bev for a WHILE.

Bill calls her some slurs and poor Greta runs as fast as she can until she finds herself in the parking garage.

She sits down snd cries alone for a while, until she hears some one call her name and noticed a massive, feminine, faceless manniquin bolting right for her.

Patrick Hockstetter

Patrick Hockstetter was never quite the same after his brothers death. Maturin took Avery Hockstetter right out of his crib and devoured him with out even a second thought.

Patrick had only caught a glimpse of the act, but that glimpse was enough to leave Patrick traumatized and emotionally stunted.

He didn't really show any emotions after avery died, or even much concern for his own well being either.

His development was either halted or started to regress, because he went from drawing fully fledged haoly pictures to just meaningless black and brown scribbles soon after.

Because of his lack of emotion, many people made a game out of messing with him, with even Bill Denbrough cornering him after school and carving his name into his stomache to see if he'd scream about it.

Patrick just kind of accepted he probably wouldn't be able to love anyone or anything properly due to his trauma, but then he met Henry and everything changed.

Something about Henry just made Patrick feel weird, but in the best way. He grew even more in love with Henry the more they hung out, and even wrote him an anonymous poem at one point to express how he felt.

He grows up to be a typical business man, and througy his fight with Maturin he's able to confess his feelings to Henry after 27 years of waiting.

In the end, he manages to actually marry Henry and have a wonderfully healthy relationship with him, in spite of his emotional issues.

Ben Hanscom

Due to the overwhelming isolation of constantly moving towns, Ben Hanscom developed solipsism at a pretty early age.

He's onlt fifteen, but he's utterly convinced he's god and the only real person in the entire universe.

Their constant moving also enables Ben to think none of his actions will really ever have consequences, since everytime they move it's like he starts with a new clean slate.

He does basically anything everything he wants, wether it he creeping in Bev and Bill, killing animals in a fridge, or just being a general weirdo, Ben doesn't care who he hurts.

There have been times when people try to mess withe Ben, crack jokes about his weight or threaten to beat him up, but Ben's quiteness and lack of caring quickly makes people leave him alone.

He views every situation analytically, studying everything he can about the places he moves to to see what chaos he can bring.

He help Bill attack Patrick outside the library at one point, and meets his end in the sewers when the corpse of a headless boy chases him through the tunnels and Maturin finds him.

He goes missing after that, only reemerging 27 years later when his corpse visits Bill Denbrough to help him escape.

Belch Huggins

Belch was picked on for his weight all the time growing up, in fact, that's where the nick name Belch came from, Stanley uris picking on him for how much he ate.

He took the nickname though and wore it like a badge of honor just to stick it to them, and it was a fighting spirit like that that made Belch the one who decided to stay behind in Derry of his own volition.

He never had any friends before the losers club, but their willingness to stick up for him made Belch feel like he was part of something important and meaningful for once in his life.

When everyone went their seperate way, Belch was devastated, especially because he knew in his heart Maturin wasn't dead for good.

So, he made the sacrifice to stay and research as much as he could on Derry.

He was woefully out of his element against a cosmic horror, considering he was just a white trash hick nobody, but he was determined to be prepared for the inevitable return.

He makes the calls to reuinite everyone, and to say he missed them all would be the understatment of the century.

They needed each other, and Belch is just so damn happy to have them back, even if Vic wasn't there to see it.

Mike Hanlon

Mike never meant to do more than have a little fun, he didn't expect getting wrapped up with Bill's friends would lead to his own death or cutting a kids stomache open, but it did, and there was little Mike could to stop it.

Homeschooled and raised on the outside, Mike just wanted to mess around with the other kids for a bit of a laugh, since it wasn't like he was gonna see them anytime except for summer.

There was no way for him to know just how fucking crazy Bill was gonna get though, and by then it was already too late.

He tried to get through to him and offer Bill a bit of support, but Bill was too far gone by then.

He tried to leave the group after that but Bill caught him and killed him along with Stan before he could ever even make it back home.

Vic Criss

Growing up in Derry, Vic's gender identity and sexuality was often called into question. He wasn't really gay or trans, but his love for fashion, hair and confidence in his appearance painted a big target on his back for bullies.

Vic never wanted to be a girl like some people thought, but sometimes he wished he was so he could enjoy his more feminine interests with out people insultiing him all the time.

Treatment like that made Vic a very worrisome kid, to the point some even found him prissy or a downright scaredy cat, which really only lead to more teasing.

He was by far the most reasonable member of the losers club back in the day, always thinking of the future and wether or not they even stood a chance against that turtle.

He never quite believed in the same way his friends did, and that lack of faith was what pushed him over the edge as an adult.

He found a lot of success later in life, becoming a magazine editor for the number one fashion magazine in the whole world, and even finding a wonderful lady to make his wife, but the fears from his childhood still had a hold on him.

Even though he promised to come back just like everyone else, Vic's insecurities about himself diminished all hope he had in defeating the turtle.

So... he took himself off the board.

Stanley Uris

There's not much to say about Stanley Uris, by far the least remarkable member of the Denbrough gang, but just because he's boring doesn't make him any less of a jerk than the others.

Being one of the very few jews in town, Stanley realized at a young age it was either whip or be whipped in a place like Derry, and quite frankly, Stan was a little too cowardly to accept the former.

So he started picking on people, it didn't matter who, gay kids, fat kids, poor kids, even some of the other jewish kids if it made his bestie Bill happy.

All in all his life was fairly normal for your average shitty bully, but then Bill went nuts and Stanley began to have some regrets about encouraging him so much.

All his regrets ended up being pretty useless though, becaude Bill killed him and Mike shortly after killing his parents.

Pennywise

The natural predator of Maturin, Pennywise is an objective force for good who loves every child in their own special way. He is the creator of worlds and takes on the guise of a friendly circus clown to appeal to kids, he tries to offer the losers as much guidance as possible with out interfering too much, and typically communicates with Henry through the moon. He tells the losers that deep down Maturin is terrified of them, and that they must hold no fear when confronting him. He sadly dies when Maturin manages to snuff out his dead lights, but his kind words to Henry stick with him til the final battle where they defeat the turtle.

Maturin

Maturin is a being of pure evil that feasts off fear, it takes the form of a massive godzilla esque turtle that lives in the sewers, but can shape shift into anything else it wants to scare you. It's only interests is feeding itself and has reigned over Derry for years.

He has many attempts to kill the losers, even sending Bill Denbrough to do it for him, but none of them end up working in the end.

Through the power of friendship the losers club make him shrivel down until he's nothing but a pathetic wrinkly reptillian mess, thus ending his reign of terror and setting Derry free.

[warriornunsgirlfriend]

We literally just finished s2, so she watched the two seasons in 5 days. Love that journey for them. Best part is, she didnt even know the betrayal was coming?? I thought it was common knowledge cause tumblr, but no. Had no idea, total surprise, they freaked out, it was awesome.

I think that Lexa's death is very very clear that like. She dies because she believes that the world should and could be better, that maybe people dont deserve to die constantly and be tough to survive, and that maybe love is something she can have. So even when you know she dies, the way and the reason in which she dies is really... harsh. I'm glad it gave you a little push to create your own stuff tho! What is your book about, if i may ask?

And if you ever want to practice your written french id be happy to chat! But for the books... the thing is that french translations often suck, especially with queer storylines, we dont really have the same langage and it works poorly, sometimes. So if it's originally written in english well i'm gonna read it in english.

Why are you recommanding that one? What makes you like it?

I was also blind sided by the betrayal so I’m so glad they didn’t see it coming! It’s a better experience lol I hope she loves season 3 (minus the end, are y’all skipping it? Or pushing through?)

I’m working on 3 ideas right now tbh. One is outlined and started, one is just outlined, and one is just vibes. The first is just a contemporary romance between two girls who met as kids and became fast friends but were separated by the cruelties of life and they reunite as adults and try to build a relationship that breaks through generational trauma and preconceived ideas. The second is a sapphic retelling of Hades and Persephone, I’m actually playing it out as a DnD campaign with my friends and I’m using their story to outline as we go. The third is a sci fi story where this society is built on this AI and there’s a system that matches men and women up according to genetic compatibility in order to produce the next generation but during the pairing ceremony everyone finds out that these two girls are paired, the daughter of the current president and this low life kid nobody thought much of. It turns out the AI is gaining consciousness and is trying to send a message to these two girls to come save her. They end up catching genuine feelings along the way. It’s not fully fleshed out yet

Oooh! I would love to practice French. I should probably go back and relearn the basics though.

Oh boy, how much of an essay do you want? 😅

[2ambiace]

Random Steddie idea: Steve and Eddie have been dating for a while and one day Steve’s sorting through some old photos, mostly of him as a little kid, back when his parents cared about that kind of thing. And he finds one of him at like 4 years old playing pretend with another boy, they’re both holding sticks and fighting like the sticks are swords and Steve shows it to Eddie, thinking his boyfriend will find it sort of cute that tiny Steve did like to play pretend even if adult Steve is struggling to find that part of himself again. But Eddie just freezes when he sees the picture and then quietly asks where Steve got it from and Steve says “my house, why?” And then Eddie goes over to a shoebox full of photos from his childhood and pulls out a near identical photo, the same two boys playing pretend, though the stick swords are in slightly different positions. Turns out they briefly went to the same daycare together and Eddie was the kid who got shy little Steve to play pretend with him.

[juicenet]

top 10 gayest h2o episodes: a definitive ranking

i'm back with another ranking, but this time it's a little different! today, i'll be ranking the top 10 gayest episodes of h2o: just add water. (in MY opinion. i realize that this show has no canonically LGBT+ characters, but come on, the subtext. also, i write sapphic h2o fanfiction, what did you expect?) anyway, please don't take this too seriously, it's just for fun.

ranking below the cut!

honorable mention: 1x05 "something fishy"

i'm just going to link this post and let it speak for itself.

10. 1x26 "a twist in the tail"

the episode where the girls are "outed" (the official h2o jaw youtube channel uses this term, no joke) to dr. denman, zane, his father, and nearly the world. thankfully they're able to avert exposure with advice from their gay mermaid mentor/queer elder, miss chatham. however, they begrudgingly have to give up their tails (temporarily, though they don't know this). even with the challenges that being gay a mermaid poses, they've still come to love what they are.

9. 2x11 "in over our heads"

rikki almost dies trying to retrieve a deep-sea treasure and emma cradles rikki's head in her arms while trying to save her. so... yeah. emma also shows hostility towards rikki's boyfriend, zane... and i get that he was a mermaid hunter last season, but this also reads like emma is jealous of his relationship with rikki. but on the flipside, zikki is kind of like a het relationship for gay people. idk. there's a lot going on here.

8. 3x21 "the jewel thief"

rikki and bella's moon crystal necklaces gravitate towards each other and cause a city-wide electrical blackout. this is gay, please don't make me explain. oh, cleo also gets a matching crystal necklace in this episode and the girls all wear them to symbolize their "friendship" (or are they just in a throuple? nobody knows).

7. 1x18 "bad moon rising"

mainly put this episode here because of emma's iconic line to rikki: "if we're going somewhere we're going together" and then their smoldering gazes that follow. but, generally, the subtext is off-the-wall. when rikki loses control of her powers, she thinks she's a danger to society and tries to isolate herself—just like how gay people have been told for thousands of years that we're destructive to society. this one is kinda sad actually :(

6. 1x07 "moon spell"

not only are we introduced to camp gay miss chatham, but there's something really queercoded about embarrassing your family at a party (as emma does in this episode). she also calls rikki "rikki baby" and now i'm realizing that this ranking is pretty much a love letter to rikma.

5. 2x04 "fire and ice"

sometimes i think the writers just forgot who rikki's canon love interest was at the time?? half of these season 2 episodes frame rikki and emma as girlfriends. anyway, emma's desire to be rebellious and wild reads like a baby gay trying to be something they're not after coming out. in the b plot, nate tells lewis he's not "manly" enough and the latter struggles with this. maybe it was unintentional, but some lines make it seem like the show is queercoding lewis. i'm here for it, either way.

4. 2x17 "moonstruck"

a moonstruck rikki and cleo try to expose emma as a mermaid to ash, but without context, you'd think they're trying to tell him that emma's a lesbian and that's why she's been so secretive and distant with him. another mermaid=gay allegory? no one knows for sure, but sources (me) say yes!

3. 2x06 "pressure cooker"

ah, yes... another episode where the writers forgot that rikki and emma weren't dating, included multiple scenes of them on an actual date, and hoped we wouldn't notice. plus, we see that rikki is emma's phone wallpaper. cleo and charlotte also could've had an enemies-to-lovers moment here, but what do i know?

2. 1x01 "metamorphosis"

three teenage girls discover something life-altering about themselves and must stay closeted keep the secret from the rest of society. in the process, they become much closer to one another but also feel isolated from their families and other girls their age. are we reeeally certain that this isn't an allegory? sure, a lot of this applies to the rest of the show, but "metamorphosis" is the episode that started it all, so...

1. 2x18 "the heat is on"

this episode is actually the reason i made this ranking. not only does rikma's homoerotic feud cause a thunderstorm, but they (+ cleo) ditch their boyfriends at the juicenet to celebrate their "anniversary" of becoming mermaids. okay, straighties! bonus points for zane and ash's UST during that game of pool.

end notes

it doesn't surprise me that this list consists mostly of season 2 episodes, because rikma was probably at its peak (imo) in the first half of season 2. it also doesn't surprise me that only a single season 3 episode is here. i'm not sure why that is—maybe it's emma's absence, maybe it's the way the tone of the show shifted considerably from the end of season 2 to the beginning of season 3. anyway, hope you enjoyed this :-)

[augment-techs]

Dillon and Ziggy for the ask headcanons: C, D, and E?

Crying: Dillon has not been known to cry for just about anything, save for when he's confused that he's so happy about having his sister back and having a family and having the most loving and empathetic boyfriend of all time. The actual example of "So happy I could cry." Ziggy can and will cry on cue, when he sees something adorable, when he stubs his baby toe on a table leg if he's not wearing shoes, in shame, in frustration, if grief, in anger, in sadness, in anxiety--but almost never in front of people he cares about. So, of course, when he was a Ranger, he let it build and build and build until he could find himself a closet to hide in and just bawl his eyes out as quietly as possible. Which only held water about three times, because Dillon has wonderful hearing and NOPE. Disorders: Because of his possession by a sentient computer virus taking him over, Dillon sometimes gets really terrible migraines out of nowhere that can and will knock him on his ass--right into temporary blindness, too--until Ziggy finds him a dark room, a quiet space, the highest proof pain med from over the counter he can get his hands on, water, and sits them both down to practice breathing exercises. And yes, Scott once tried to tell him to tough it out on a training day, and yes, Ziggy taught him a lesson about bullshit macho posturing when he's around and Dillon is out of it. Probably, almost certainly, Ziggy has some form of ADHD and possibly an unspecified eating disorder. One makes him come off annoying when he doesn't want to, and one is really just the result of his scraping things together for kids younger than himself in the orphanage cycling through his adult habits because, come on, they're under a domed city and there will always be people worse off than him. Also, most probably, he has PTSD from working for the mob and seeing and doing shit that never should have crossed his path.

Emotional Themes: Here's the thing, when Dillon left Corinth with Teneya and Summer? Ziggy was happy for him. Proud of what he had chosen to do with the people he loved, going out into the world to see if they could make or find things better. But that happiness only goes so far when there's rebuilding to be done for the rest if humanity and the relationship he started with Doctor K withered and died on the vine when it became abundantly clear she was queer and he was queer and their two tracks did not intersect well in that regard. Also, it's not like everyone in the cartels would be as forgiving as Fresno Bob, and Ziggy would never want to trouble his remaining teammates with the fact he was constantly having to look over his shoulder, waiting to catch a bullet in his ear when nobody else was around and he had to go out for groceries and personal items. The three explorers would eventually come back a year, two years maybe, after their onset into the wilderness. Dillon single again, and Summer and Teneya finding much more in common romantically. And Dillon would never feel as guilty as he did when he wandered into the Garage, tapped Ziggy on the shoulder and surprise him, and found the young man to be little more than skin and bones with deep bags under his eyes and a tremor from being unable to sleep. Ziggy would smile, though, hug him as tight as he could with his thin pixie-like bones, and Dillon would feel worse; but still, he would decide to stay. For good, this time.

[shadowfae]

We’re all pretty aware that the tumblr otherkin community is at a huge decline; I was wondering if you have any theories as to why that is?

American Protestantism, the decline of queer oppression in North America and the AIDS crisis, helicopter parenting, web 3.0, morality politics, and  Tumblr’s porn ban; roughly in that order and rolled up into one bombshell that was a few years in the coming but nobody really saw it and understood it until it was far too late.

That was a mouthful and probably only made sense if you follow current cyberpolitical theory. For some of you reading this, as with every other hot take I have this has a chance of being passed around, that alone is enough. But for others who had no idea what I just said and need the ELI5 version, let me explain that. Buckle up, this’ll be a long one, and will go into fandom history a bit as well because it is actually relevant.

As we know, tumblr is a very American-centric platform. Twitter is also this way, but less so, but tumblr has it bad. Now, I’m ‘lucky’ in the fact that I’m Canadian and a twenty minute drive from the American border, so that puts me in the ‘privileged’ majority. (I say privileged because I’m not really sure what else to call it. Most of the information going around about politics either directly affects me or indirectly affects me approximately one or two links of contact away. Someone who’s only influenced by American politics because it makes their sister’s online friends sad is not going to be privileged in that way.)

This means that American politics and their social climate overwhelmingly affects tumblr’s social climate. This also bleeds through into other fandom spaces, on twitter, instagram, and Pixiv to name a few places; but here’s where I spend the majority of my time so here’s what I’ve witnessed.

America’s main religion, as far as I understand (from the raised agnostic and currently neopagan view I have), is some weirdass capitalistic-Protestantism that is so many miles from what the actual Bible says that if I were a betting man and knew more about cults than I did, I’d say it’s some weird fucking cult and never set foot in the country again for any reason that isn’t gaming free shipping through a PO box. If you have no idea what I just said but are at least vaguely familiar with Christianity, this graphic explains it pretty well. So we can see there’s some glaring issues with that ideal.

The decline of queer oppression and the rise of queer rights in North America, which is to tenderly include my own country but we all know when people say ‘in NA’ they mean ‘America, and Canada where it applies because the right-wing Republicans are really good in the propaganda department to convince everyone that Mexico is a drug-lords-and-anarchy wasteland to the point where even I don’t actually know what’s down there other than bad drivers and heat’; means two things. One, it’s a good thing by a long shot and do not mistake this as me thinking queer oppression being lessened is a bad thing. But two, it means that thanks to the AIDS crisis, queer folks lost a lot of first-person sources as history.

The queer elders in NA who survived are typically either a) bitter anarchists who are often POC, probably still dirt poor and do recreational drugs or b) university-tenured TERFs (trans exclusionary radical feminists). Category A are the people who Republicans have deemed worthless in every way, because racism, queerphobia, ableism, and all the other ways to be wrong and different and Evil that they can’t handle, because Jeezus would never want them to actually learn to love someone who wasn’t just like them, and they don’t have the compassion to do better. Category B are the people who want to be different in just a teensie little bit, typically with TERFs they want to be lesbians, but they don’t want to challenge the status quo. They’re fine with the way things work, they just want to be on top oppressing others over ripping the whole damn thing down and building a more forgiving system.

Now, due to all those ‘isms and the cheerfully malicious aid of the Republicans, pun not intended but drives home the cruelty of it all, we also see the rise of helicopter parenting. The invention of the internet did not really help this. Basically what you’ve got is a whole bunch of parents who saw the civil rights movement, just got access to the internet and things going viral, know the world is changing, and like all parents, they’re scared for their children. Now instead of parents knowing one or two people in their classes who just went missing one day and everyone assumed they ran away, they hear about eight homicides in the city of kids going to parks at night and dying. The Satanic Panic was another event around this time that contributed to that, but I’ll let you research that one.

This means that all of these parents, instead of doing what their parents typically did and let their kids wander off for the day so long as they’re back by sundown, they can’t let their children out of their sight. There might be a freak accident where their child is decapitated on the playground swing! Their baby might get murdered by an evil Satanist walking home from school! Their dearest darling might go online and tell their address to someone who’s got a 100% chance of being a pedophile who will show up and kidnap them in the night!

…You get the idea. 

Combine those three things I just established, what we’ve got is a lot of queer kids who have a lot of internalized shame for being different and wrong, because they’re queer, and they can’t find spaces offline to be themselves, because all of the elders who would do that are dead and/or inaccessible and their parents won’t let them go to any clubs that aren’t school-related, which they’ll never find a GSA or queer club because Republicans, ‘isms, propaganda, and the war on Category A queer adults have all done their best to ensure that those spaces don’t exist.

So you have a generation of kids who I am the youngest of. The first generation on the internet. The late Web 1.0 (usenets and Geocities) and early Web 2.0 (livejournal was the big one, ff.net too, also 4chan but fuck those guys) generation. What we were taught was: trust nobody on the internet with your real info no matter how much you like them, this is a wilderness and any crimes that happen won’t be punished or seen so don’t put yourself in a position where you’re going to be the victim of one, and everything you put online is never getting taken down so don’t put anything up that you’re not willing to have on the front page of your local newspaper.

This worked out pretty well, actually! You had kids who knew that if they got in trouble, there was no backup coming to save them. Because the form that backup might take - parents and police - wasn’t going to help. Best case, they’d be banned from their friends and online support groups for being queer. Worst case, they’d be jailed and put in juvie and conversion therapy and turn to drugs and become evil Satanists just like everyone says they secretly are already. So they learned very quickly to take care of themselves. Nobody was going to save them, so they learned to not need saving.

And then, well, Web 2.0 shifted to Web 3.0. Livejournal died because parents - the Warriors for Innocence was the big name - went “gasp how horrible my children are being exposed to the evil pedos and homosexuals they’re going to do drugs and die of AIDS!”. Which is uh. It’s filled with a lot of bigotry, and I’m not excusing them - absolutely I am not - but you can kind of see where they’re coming from, if you tilt your head and squint.

Either way, LJ died, tumblr took its place, Facebook was fast taking off, and the fandom folks who had seen mailing lists go inactive, web admins take their fanfic sites down due to copyright, entire fandoms burnt to the ground in flame wars, said ‘fuck that we’re making our own place’ and that’s how AO3 got made.

That’s important. A lot of folks move to AO3, because well, the rules let them. The rules say ‘you can throw literally anything up here so long as it’s fan content and is not literally illegal, so we don’t get taken down’. It’s a swing for the first generation internet users, those kids who know this place is a wilderness and are carving out our own sanctuary.

But. The children under us. The children for whom AIDS is a nightmarish fairy tale, for whom the ghost stories are conversion therapy, for whom know they can’t really talk to their parents about being queer but can trust they probably won’t get kicked out over it. The children who haven’t spent ten seconds without supervision except online, and their reaction isn’t ‘oh thank god I’m finally free to express myself’ but ‘if I get in trouble, who will protect me?’.

And there’s nobody there. Because we went in knowing there was no backup. And that was fine. But now, the actual adults have figured out that hey uh, maybe we should make cyber laws? Maybe we should make revenge porn and grooming children over the internet crimes? And they grew up with that. They grew up learning that no, even if your parents are suffocating and controlling, they’re always be there for you! Some adult will always be there to protect you!

That isn’t the case. It’s not. But they expect it, because it’s always been done for them. They don’t really want to change the status quo, because that means doing it themselves. They can’t do that, because they don’t know how, they’ve been controlled for every single part of their lives thanks to helicopter parenting and without that control, they don’t know how to keep their lives together, and they demand someone come and control it for them, without restraining them.

Effectively, they want someone to ensure they never face the consequences of their actions. Helicopter parents will rescue you from whatever you did, because you’re their precious baby and it doesn’t matter if you punched a kid, you can do no wrong and the other kid clearly started it.

But being queer is doing wrong. Being queer is something Jeezus doesn’t approve of. So they want to make it something he could approve of! But if it’s too off what they consider to be okay, if it’s too different and weird and wrong and evil, that can’t do, that’s still bad, and they’re precious angels, and children, and minors, why are we the adults not protecting them and letting them see it? Why aren’t we being just like their parents  but queer-friendly, why aren’t we protecting the children?

The adults who taught us were the children of those who died as a result of AIDS. The eldest of my generation knew some of them personally. My therapist’s younger brother died at 20 of AIDS, and she told me what it was like. But they don’t have that. These kids of web 3.0, they don’t have that. What they have is over-controlling parents, and the expectation that someone will always be there to protect them but hopefully in ways that don’t hurt them this time, no real understanding of why Category A queer elders are the way they are, and so much internalized shame that they have to do some pretty fancy logic-leaping to keep them from collapsing entirely.

They can’t turn into Category A queer youngsters, because they don’t know how to unravel the system around them, because they’ve never had to actually make choices in their lives and live with the consequences, because they don’t have the example of how to do it. They can’t unravel their internalized shame because again, that’s hard and they don’t have their parents to take away the consequences and pain. It doesn’t come easy to them, so it may as well not come at all.

But, you ask, if Category A queer elders aren’t around to teach the kids, then how are they learning anything positive at all? Well, Category B, our university-tenured TERFs, who don’t want to change the status quo but want to just be at the top of it instead.

For a lot of kids who don’t know how to make hard choices but want to be queer, this is an extremely attractive option. But when they go online to queer spaces, a lot of them say fuck terfs, we don’t support your hate, and they go ‘yeah okay that makes sense’. They can say fuck terfs without ever actually questioning why terfs are bad. They’re Bad and Evil, just like drug addicts, just like fairytale nazis, just like the evil homophobes.

And we saw them say ‘yeah fuck terfs’ and we were like, ‘aight you got it’ and we never questioned if they actually understood us. They didn’t. They didn’t, and we didn’t do enough to fix it, because not enough of us realized the problem. So terfs got a little sneaky. They hid behind dogwhistles and easy little comments, hiding their rhetoric in queer theory that you’ll absolutely miss if you just memorize it and never actually question it and understand why that point is being made.

This goes back to America sucking, because their school system is far more focused on rote memorization over actual logic and understanding of the text. They’re engaging with queer theory the way they’ve been taught, which is memorize and don’t think, don’t question. Besides, questioning and understanding is hard. Being shown different points of view and asked what they think is not only hard but requires them to go against all of the conditioning that says to just listen and agree and never question it, which goes back to tearing the system and internalized shame down, and we’ve established they can’t do that so naturally they don’t do that.

This begets, then, the rise of exclusionary politics. They’re turning into Category B queer youngsters, because we told them ‘hey that’s a terf talking point what are you doing’ and they never questioned why. They learned you can do all sorts of things, just don’t say X, Y, or Z, because they never thought deeply about it.

The children who have grown on Web 3.0 do not want to do any heavy lifting to make things easier for themselves long-run. They want to do as little as possible and have things get better for them. There isn’t enough of us left in Category A, because Category B terfs are very good at recruiting young folks and Cat. A is overwhelming poor, dead, and easily dismissed in the system as evil and bad, so we can’t exactly convince the young folks to listen. If all of the young kids could agree to tear down the system, a lot more older folks might listen. Change always starts with the young, and there’s a reason for that.

But Republicans have figured out, if you get people fighting, they never put together a force that can actually stop you. TERFs, who want the exact same thing as Republicans but with themselves on top, are doing this to queer youth, and Cat. A elders can’t fight back because there isn’t enough of them and the odds are against them, and the young folk like me who follow their lead.

People can kinda handle gay people. It’s not so far from the acceptable normal that it’s impassable. But you want them to handle kinky people? Gay people of colour? Kinky gay people of colour? Trans people? Those are bridges too far to step across. The original idea was to get the foot in the door with marriage equality and inch our way through with racial equality, sex positivity, dismantling ableism and perisexism (forgive me if that isn’t the word for anti-intersex ‘ism), and see if we can’t patch up the system instead of inciting a civil war over this and have to tear down the system entirely.

Well, we might’ve managed that if not for AIDS being the perfect ‘Jeezus is killing all the evil gay people for being sinners’ propaganda machine. As it stands now, not a chance in hell. So long as Republicans and terfs keep everyone fighting, nobody has the power to dismantle their empire, and they stay in power.

So then, you ask me, “Lu what the fuck does that have to do with the decline of otherkinity on tumblr???” and now that you’ve got all that background knowledge, here is your answer.

Those children who want their experiences curated for them and the evil icky content they don’t like to be gone because it disgusts them and anything that disgusts them is clearly sinful problematic and should be destroyed, are what we call ‘antishippers’, or anti for short.

They like being progressive. Sort of. They learned what Republicans and terfs have honed to a fine talent: keep people fighting, hold them to a bar they have to constantly make or risk being ostracized, and harass the people who don’t play along into getting out of your sight forever. Sound familiar?

They learned of otherkinity, and particularly fictionkind, because web 3.0 means if something goes viral on one site, it doesn’t just go viral on that site, it makes it to worldwide newspapers and twitter and nobody ever, ever fucking forgets it. They realized the following: “Hey wait, if I’m this character for realsies, not only does it help me deal with the internalized shame I’ve done nothing to actually fix because that takes work, I can also tell these people who draw gross content I don’t like they’re hurting me personally, and that actually sounds credible, and I can shame them into stopping”.

If this is your first time here and that sounds sickening, it damn well should, and I am so, so sorry that any of us had to witness this, and I am more sorry I and everyone else who personally witnessed this didn’t realize what was going on and put a stop to it. I answer asks and browse the tags and clear up misinformation and it isn’t just a genuine desire to help. It’s damage control, and my own way of trying to deal with the guilt of not stopping this. I’m well aware I couldn’t have seen it coming, I was a teenager myself still learning and no one person has that much power. I still feel like I should have done more, and I’ll do what I can to fix what’s within my power to fix.

So back to the story. This all culminates around 2016 or so. Trump wins the election, and every queer person ever knows they’re fucked, and the younger generation’s only ever heard horror stories, never seen actual oppression that this could bring. We’re all scared. We all don’t know what to do. Nobody has any answers or any control over the situation.

So they lash out. They attack others for drawing things they don’t like, for challenging them in literally any way, for asking them to reconsider the vile shit they just said, for so much as defending themselves from the harassment they just got. And when challenged, they yell “But I’m a minor! A literal child! How dare you attack me, clearly you get off on this, you evil pedophile!” and they sling around every insult in the book until one sticks. Pedophile is a pretty good one, so is abuser, and sometimes zoophile works out too. Freak is great, everyone gets right pissed off about it.

The fact that Category A queer elders were called pedophiles and freaks is not a fact they know or care about. The fact that they are quickly making every fandom community super toxic is also not a fact they care about. The fact that the ‘kin community has words and terminology and they actually mean shit, and the fact that they’re spreading misinformation faster than we can keep up with, are not facts they care about.

So they come in, take our terms, make it impossible for us to find new folks. They realize our anger is easily a power trip, because we’re already made fun of, so they get off on the little power they can find and make fun of us too, and then when we get rightfully annoyed and pissed off, they can hide behind being minors.

Then tumblr implements their porn ban, because nobody’s stopping them, because it isn’t profitable to have porn on here. Considering most of the otherkin community, and most fandom communities, are full of adults who do occasionally talk about NSFW things, and the fact that they’re just banning everyone who so much as breathes wrong, this begins the start of a mass exodus, scattering already fragile communities to twitter, pillowfort, dreamwidth, and a few other places. Largely, twitter, where you can’t make a post longer than a snappy comeback and where the algorithm is literally designed to piss you off as much as possible.

So community elders have largely left, because they can’t stand the drama and the pain of what’s happened, and that’s if they didn’t get banned for being kinky furries who do talk about how their kintypes merge with their sexuality. Most community members have also left or stopped talking about being ‘kin, because they get associated with antishippers and toxicity and it’s just not worth it. Those of us who are left get drowned out by misinformation and trolls and wishkin and antishippers who appropriate our terminology because it supports them getting a power trip, and whenever we argue, we get called pedophiles and freaks and worse.

And now there isn’t much left. I hope we get to find a better place. Othercon was a good place to talk about it, I did a whole panel (it’s on Youtube!) about what we want to do about it. But I don’t really have any answers. 

But to sum it all up... America’s political climate ultimately culminated in destroying queer spaces, and we survived, and then people who wanted to destroy smaller communities to get on top showed up and we were all but defenseless against something we had never, ever dealt with before on this scale.

One of my twitter mutuals mentioned how kinning and otherkin are now completely separate communities. It’s really the best I can do to keep hoping that continues, until nobody realizes the words are at all connected to each other. It’s the best anyone can hope for, now. I hate it. I hate every part of this. But maybe we can salvage what’s left.

[ladyloveandjustice]

Belated Spring 2020 Anime Overview: My Next Life as Villainess

For the Spring 2020 anime season, I mostly watched continuations of shows I was already into. The one new show I did pick up was My Next Life as a Villainess: All Routes Lead to Doom!

My Next Life as a Villainess: All Routes Lead to Doom! follows Katerina Claes, a spoiled young noble girl deviously scheming to win the heart of a prince- oh wait, never mind, she hit her head and remembered her past life! Turns out she’s an eighteen year old Japanese otaku chick who died and got reincarnated as the villainess in her favorite otome game. 

If you don’t feel like reading the wiki article, an otome game is basically a female- targeted dating sim where you play as a blank slate main character and date a bunch of pretty boys (and sometimes girls, but usually only if you go outside the mainstream ones), unlocking their backstories and collecting all the romantic endings.

Having played this game, Katarina is well aware that the Villainess character- who constantly tries to interfere with the game’s heroine and whichever boy she’s pursuing- is either exiled or killed in all of the games endings. And now she IS that villainess, living in the world of the game and all its characters! Does that mean she’s doomed to a horrible fate? What’s a girl to do?

Well, if you’re Katarina, what you do is be supportive and kind to the people around you and in doing so accidentally get every single character in the game to fall in love with you. And yes, this includes all the boys the heroine is supposed to date, the other female romantic rivals the heroine is faced with and the game’s heroine herself.

That’s right, we finally got us some bisexual romantic comedy hijinx last anime season, my friends! My Next Life as a Villainess was the delightful little show I really escaped into during these anxious pandemic times . All these girls casually falling in love with Katarina without it being treated as ‘weird’ was what particularly drew me to this show and warmed my gay little heart to see. It was honestly the perfect fluffy, low stress watch during these high stress times.

Anime has long been oversaturated with ‘harem’ stories- where a usually unwitting protagonist somehow gets a bevy of beauties in love with them- but it’s still unfortunately really unusual to see bisexual harems, especially ones with a girl at the center, so right away there’s a big draw to this story that helps it stick out from the rest.  (And worry not, the story is largely focused on Katarina having fun with these pals-who-are-not-so-secretly-in-love-with-her, rather than having a ton the dubious shenanigans you see in more sexually charged tales.)

Harem protoganists also famously tend to have the personality of potatoes, being so painfully bland it’s unclear why so many people would fall in love with them in the first place. But that definitely not the case for Katarina. She’s brash, ridiculous, kind and INCREDIBLY dense, and that for a pretty dynamic combination in this setting! She does genuinely come off as a fun person to be around. Unlike a lot of modern isekai shows, she doesn’t stumble into having incredible magic powers or skills, so her compassion is genuinely her greatest strength and what saves the day and wins hearts time and time again.

Katarina’s five brain cells doing their weekly check-in

(The moment she won my heart was when she responded to a tragic Frozen style situation with her friend locking himself away from people because he believed his magic was dangerous by taking an axe to his door. My kinda girl!)

The premise also allows for some plausible built-in reasons for the characters to take such special notice of Katarina- having been raised in a different world, she isn’t beholden to all the social rules, class divisions and noble family drama all the other kids in this very specific midevial-esque fantasy world are so embroiled in. This combined with her naturally earnest, accepting and straightfoward nature means she’s able to cross boundaries and reach out to them in a way they aren’t accustomed to. She was significant in each character’s life because she genuinely was the first to show them acceptance and affection without pretense, if only because she isn’t even aware there was supposed to be a pretense.

Katarina’s focus on trying not to die and her fear she’s going to meet the same fate as the villainess in the game also at least gives some kind of a basis to her comical obliviousness to everyone being in love with her. She assumes that everyone has to be into Maria (the heroine) and terrified of her because that’s how the game GOES okay, that’s CANON! Of course, this logic stretches thin as time goes on and it would be abundantly clear to most people that things have diverged greatly from the game’s storyline, but the show makes it clear that Katarina’s determined, one track mind is as much a gift as a curse. 

Her bullheadedness when it comes to picking up how everyone REALLY feels about her is an intentional gag on the show’s part and even her love interests are well aware of what a colossal dumbass she is and not afraid to point it out!

My Next Life as a Villainess isn’t without its flaws, and the personalities/backstories of some of the ‘love interests’ Katarina gathers may be a stumbling block on some- mostly the male ones.  Geordo, “the black hearted prince” has a bit of the “ possessive shoujo bad boy” archetype about him, and though he’s far from the worst that genre of love interest has to offer (there’s not much bad he can get up to due to Katarina’s obliviousness, the lighthearted nature of the show, and his rivals constantly getting in his way), the way he refuses to break Katarina and his engagement off despite her repeatedly asking him to, as well as some of his lines here and there, are definitely NOT cute. 

Keith is Katarina’s adopted brother, but clearly has a thing for her too. On one hand, they only first met when they were nine and he fell for her pretty immediately. On the other hand, he still refers to her as “sister” constantly which is kinda eesh. 

The other two guys are all right- Nicol’s big thing is he’s inexpressive and doesn’t talk much which, considering show doesn’t spend much time inside his head, doesn’t make him a very interesting character in the ensemble (maybe he comes across better in the novels) but there’s nothing wrong with him. Alan is undoubtedly the Best Boy in my book. He’s another common trope- rambunctious and competitive with Katarina but clearly soft for her- but he’s done well and they have a lot of cute moments together.

I find the girl love interests to be a much more interesting group overall, though this may be my obvious bias talking. Sophia has the strongest connection to Katarina, their backstories being intertwined in a surprising and touching way (I’m told in the novels her affection for Katarina was treated as more platonic, but the anime definitely plays it up as having romantic elements). Maria’s original role as the game’s heroine puts her in the most interesting position (and would make her the most narratively satisfying choice of love interest, if the show was actually interested in choosing). And while Mary is comically tenacious in her pursuit of Katarina, she’s doesn’t ever act ‘sinister’ or overstep boundaries in the way Geordo does, her “scheming” only really amounting to straightforwardly asking if Katarina wants to ditch her fiance and run away with her. 

As I mentioned, one thing that really contributes to My Next Life as a Villainess being a relaxing watch is that the queer characters are treated with casual acceptance. Mary in particular isn’t subtle about her crush on Katarina, but nobody bats an eye at her and she’s completely open and comfortable with herself too. The observing maid notes that the girls are in love with Katarina with the same bland affect as when she notes she notes the guys are. And while the social practices of the nobles are pretty heteronormative- girls are always engaged in arranged marriages to guys, the guys are expected to dance with the girls (something Mary complains about!)- there’s apparently a booming queer romance novel industry that inspires our young wlw.

Katarina, having grown up in a different world, seems to be the one most prone to heteronormativity of her group. She never really considers  that a girl would ever fall in love with her, but is also never hostile to the idea. It’s telling that when Mary very clearly indicates her desired romantic partner would be a girl, Katarina’s the only one that gets tripped up and has to walk back her assumption that Mary would be talking about a guy. 

Mary LAYING DOWN THE LAW

Also, Katarina has  SEVERAL “she’s so cute! My heart is beating faster!” moments with the other girls, on par in frequency with her moments with the guys. This strongly hints she’s an oblivious bisexual disaster.

So, My Next Life as Villainess is a fun, frothy watch and the rare positive example of silly wish-fufillment that’s inclusive to a wlw audience. But is the actual plot good, or remotely complex? The answer to that is no, the plot is fairly predictable and one definitely shouldn’t got into this story expecting a deep examination of the nature of fate or anything like that.There’s no real explanation of big reason as to why why Katarina was reborn into this game world and so on.

 The antagonist that does eventually emerge plays off otome game tropes a bit, but ultimately isn’t that interesting or built up all that well. . The attempts at drama the show makes towards the end fall a little flat, especially since it tends to rely on very-late-in-the-game-exposition-dumps (dark magic isn’t even MENTIONED as existing in this world until like, the second to last episode where it becomes relevant and we get a vague infodump explaining its mechanics). The conflict honestly almost feels shoehorned in and the climax is pretty standard and doesn’t really utilize the big cast of characters all that well

But in the end, that’s okay! The show makes it abundantly clear from the beginning it’s not here to be Deep, but to be some silly fun. And it really fulfills that purpose well, from it’s catchy, peppy theme tune to its consistently warm tone. It MAY get repetitive at times for some, and I do have some quibbles- like how I found the childhood segments to be some of the shows best material and wish we could have stayed in that section for a bit instead of rushing through it, how I wish Katarina had kept her cute little scar, etc- but overall, it was definitely the soothing balm I needed during a very rough time and I absolutely recommend it if you’re looking for a chill, feel-good watch.

 And hey, a second season’s supposed to be on the way too, so there’s something to potentially look forward to!

[camcorderrevival]

Nobody asked for my top five Amy episodes but I’m gonna talk about them anyway.

---

5 - Dinosaurs On A Spaceship

 The episode itself is a bit shaky but Amy’s characterisation is just...!!!! The Dr disappears and leaves her with two strangers and her reaction is to do her best impression of them and find out what’s up with the ship.

 Also, she gets some brilliant fucking lines and that’s enough to push the episode into the fifth spot for me.

4 - A Town Called Mercy

 The only thing that Series 7A got right was having Amy play a more Doctor-y role in certain episodes and this story feels like the peak of that. While most of the spot light is still on The Dr, it’s Amy that comes off as the moral driving force and the only person in the town (other than Isaac) that recognises that The Dr can’t walk around playing Judge, Jury and Executioner.

 It would be higher up on the list but she didn’t get nearly enough screen-time so it sits at four.

3 - Victory Of The Daleks

 My opinions on this episode are purely influenced by two different moments. The first being Amy tell Bracewell that she understands, really, she does. The second is the fact that her go-to method of convincing Bracewell back to humanity is to get him to think about love, specifically “forbidden” love (which is incredibly queer, don’t @ me).

 It’s just very skilled with Amy’s characterisation and I love it dearly for that reason.

2 - The Girl Who Waited

 My qualms with the resolution of this episode aside, this story hits the nail on the fucking head for the most part. Amy’s bitter resentment of The Doctor, her de-armed robot friend, the swords - it’s all perfect and very important to me.

 Also, “and there he is. The Voice Of God. Survive, because no ones going to come for you. Number One Lesson, you taught me that.” and “I walked in here, and I died.” and “I don’t have a sonic screwdriver because I’m not off on a romp. I call it what it is, a probe, and I call my life what it is, hell.”

 Basically, this episode is a fucking gold mine up until the half way point when the writers decide that Amy’s marriage is more important than 36 years of Hell.

1 - The Beast Below

 Is this episode messy? Unquestionably, but it also has my favourite Amy-moments ever.

 I firmly believe that this episode should’ve been the outline for her character going forward but they abandoned hyper-observant, quick-thinking Amy at some point in S6 when they decided her only role was to be “His Loving Wife.”

 No one will ever convince me that Amy saving The Star Whale because it reminded her of The Dr isn’t the most important thing in the world. It’s just magnificent!!!

 Also, of slightly less importance, Amy talking to Mandy as if she’s the same age as her is very...!!!

[you-cant-spell-subtext-without]

Okay, I have searched high and wide and do not see that this has yet been done, so I present to you - my analysis of the parallels between Destiel and Cas/Claire in Season 10, Ep .20 - Angel Heart.  TL;DR: Claire/Cas are a metaphor for Destiel and Destiel is forever.

As a reminder - central storyline is Cas finding Claire who lands in the hospital while looking for her mom and looping Dean/Sam to help him try to connect with her (and eventually all of them get roped into searching for and then finding her mom who then almost immediately dies, because Supernatural gonna Supernatural).  Dean still has the Mark of Cain with no cure in sight, and the side conflict is Cas and Sam’s concerns re: the effects because he is “getting worse” (many worried looks are exchanged!).  Also important to recall that in 10.09 during the burger date of my HC dreams, Dean asked Cas to kill him if he ever goes dark side again from the Mark.  SO - THE REAL STORY OF ANGEL HEART FOR ME IS how Cas’s feelings towards Claire present a mirror for his emotions towards Dean, and the inner conflict between allowing Dean to push him away (with Dean’s request that Cas kill him from 10.09 hanging over his head) or continuing to fight to be there for him/save him - as presented in the two separate one-on-one conversations/BM scenes between Cas and Dean - and then later Cas and Sam - in the Impala.

I’ve included them in their entirety from the script below, with emphasis on what I feel is important and my thoughts.

Conversation 1 - Cas/Dean 

DEAN

Hey, Cas, listen, what you're doing for Claire and helping her find her mom...

It's good. It's a good thing.

CASTIEL

But?

DEAN

Well, where does it end? I'm not trying to be a dick, but truth is, you're not her dad.

In fact, you're not anything to her except a-a constant reminder of someone that's gone.

CASTIEL

No, I'm...

Responsible for everything that's happened to her.

DEAN

Look, I'm just saying, she's been surviving on her own for quite a while now, and ... and then partly because she doesn't have anybody to answer to.

You know, there's... There's nobody holding her back.

CASTIEL

We just found her in a hospital. You telling me that she'd be better off on her own?

DEAN

I'm saying she might be stronger on her own. ANALYSIS: Dean and Claire have always been very similar people to me (which is why I think they initially clash so much). This is very reinforced both in 10.09 (ketchup is a vegetable!) and in the part of this episode where Dean ends up “babysitting” Claire (a moment of silence for yet another scene of Dean actually being amazing with kids and how he should have gotten his own kids dammit). I think Dean is speaking about himself in part in this discourse, relating his own journey to Claire’s (and in true Dean fashion, falling into his usual habit of pushing away those who love him because at this point he knows the end is near).  The “you’re not anything to her” is pretty blunt, even for Dean, especially after his taking special care to sit Cas down to spill his feelings re: Claire during the burger date in 10.09.  I also took the “constant reminder of someone that’s gone” as Dean’s motivation for pushing people away; he’s trying to ease their pain (not his because Dean does not care about himself at all whatsoever as we all know) upon what he thinks will inevitably be his death from the Mark.  The comment can also be related to his request that Cas kill him if he goes too far down the wrong path, and Cas’s presence is a constant reminder of that for Dean, of how not only is he going to go crazy and lose him but he also is putting him through the burden of ending his life. (Oh, and Dean is the King of Constant Reminders of Someone That’s Gone because see multiple trench coats in Baby’s trunk). Cas’s feelings of responsibility towards Claire also parallel his feelings about Dean - he resurrected him, and he has always felt responsible for the burdens Dean carried after that fact;  (even if they weren’t directly tied to Cas) he has always felt like he burdens Dean (see the iconic 6.20 - The Man Who Would Be King).  Cas’s protectiveness and urge to connect with Claire for me is a direct mirror of not only his trying to save Dean from the Mark without having to carry out his request to kill him, but also his desire to emotionally connect with him while Dean is clearly in a headspace of shoving everyone out.  These are all pretty gray parallels.  The next conversation though for me is fairly black and white.

Conversation 2 - Cas/Sam

CASTIEL

When this is over, should I... Should I leave Claire alone?

SAM

What? No, man. She's family. Well, I mean, she's not exactly family, but she's close enough. I mean, you two have history. Simple as that.

CASTIEL

So do you think she's better off on her own?

SAM

Cas, she just turned 18.

CASTIEL

You were alone when you left for college at that age, weren't you?

SAM

Yeah, but that's different.

CASTIEL

How, Sam?

SAM 

Here's all I know ... going it alone, that's no way to live. You being there for her, even if she thinks she doesn't want you to be there for her, that's good for both of you.

CASTIEL

Maybe, in the end.

SAM

In the end. ANALYSIS: This is so clearly about Dean and not Claire to me.  There is no way Cas thinks Claire is better on her own in any capacity.  It doesn’t track with anything he said to Dean earlier, and it doesn’t track with any of his actions in the scenes in between these conversations (he got her a damn birthday gift for Jack’s sake if that’s not the opposite of leaving someone alone and not trying to be their family idk what is).  If Dean didn’t change Cas’s mind on this, I have BIG DOUBTS that Sam would have anything to say that would so why would Cas even ask him?  Also, the entire thread with Sam/Cas at this point in the season is focused on their mutual worry about Dean.  Why is Cas randomly talking to Sam about Claire? And - what history does Cas have with Claire?  Yes, they have had some prior interactions but can you really call that history? Dean himself mentions in 10.09 that Cas has only met her once before that episode.  But there is someone else, someone who is “not exactly family” who recently expressed that it’s better off to be alone, who DOES have significant history with Cas, and that someone is also someone Sam has pretty good insight on.  In fact, Cas is basically parroting what Dean said to him in conversation 1 back to Sam in conversation 2, and to me it’s not because he is concerned about Claire because he has already decided he’s going to watch out for her.  The only path left undecided is Dean - and whether he allows him to push him out or continues to be there, because it is good for them both.  The “in the end” clinches it - because what is Claire’s “end”?  She’s young; she’s not going anywhere anytime soon even if she makes a few bad decisions (and Cas is an angel at this point; that protection is pretty mighty).  Dean, however, has an end quickly approaching because of the Mark, and it’s an end Cas cannot control or manipulate.  So, in conclusion, Angel Heart shows that Claire is a mirror for Dean in her mannerisms, life events, personality, and place in Cas’s heart (which is the only explanation that fits for the title of this episode, which is the same as a very disturbing 70s horror movie and that clearly does not track).

Also, let’s not forget that Claire is canonically queer, loses her soulmate/first love to an alternate reality/world until Jack saves her from it and they are reunited.  So, there’s that aka the finale we all deserved. 

**if you read this far, bless you, truly for reading my nonsense ;) Feel free to comment and reblog, or message with me.  I could overanalyze Supernatural forever here if you’ll let me.

[infinite-xerath]

Runeterra Retcons 4: Varus

Unlike the other Champions I’ve covered, Varus’s history is surprisingly straightforward. He was released all the way back in 2012 and, as far as I can recall, was the first Champion to ever receive any sort of major promotional material in the form of a short comic. He’s very straight-forward in both concept and design: a man willing to sell his soul, his very humanity, for revenge on the people who took everything from him. Given that this was before Kalista was added to the game, Varus had little choice but take matters into his own hands by bargaining with a vaguely-defined Eldritch being who would give him the power he needed in exchanged for taking over his body.

Original lore here

Varus’s lore is a very traditional revenge story, albeit with a slightly interesting twist in that he is the maker of his own tragedy. Varus opted to place his duty over the well-being of family and, in the process, was unable to even TRY to protect them while his village was being reduced to burning rubble. Out of grief and rage Varus turned to bargaining with the very entity he fought so hard to keep confined now that he no longer has anything to lose.

I and many others liked Varus’s story, and to be honest, Riot could have honestly just kept him more-or-less the same when they updated him post-retcon. Just remove the mention of the League and maybe better-define what the black flames were, and you’d be good. In fact, Riot technically did the former, as his second lore is basically identical save for removing any mention of the League of Legends.

Now, it’s at this point that things start to get a little more complicated. Now, if you want a more comprehensive breakdown of the Darkin and their history, I advise you go check out the part centered around Aatrox and his long and convoluted history, but tldr: the Darkin were a race of beings of whom only five remained, and it was later confirmed with Rhaast that they’re specifically a race of living weapons with the ability to possess whoever wields them. Now, while Varus was specifically possessed by an ominous black flame called Pallas, many drew parallels between him and the other Darkin characters, especially since Varus’s also seemed to be alive.

Given that the flames were never really elaborated on or given a proper origin story, Riot decided that it would probably be best to just go ahead and retcon Varus into being a Darkin as well, and nobody had any real qualms with this. It was a common fan theory for years, so why not? Just change the story a bit so that the flames were actually just a Darkin bow all along and boom, you’ve pretty-much done all you needed to properly fit Varus into the new post-reboot Runeterra.

Well, apparently Riot did not feel this way, as it was with Varus’s 2017 retcon that they decided to finally give fans a proper origin story for who and what the Darkin were. That origin story goes a little something like this.

Alright, so Varus is now an alien. They decided to make Varus himself the Darkin, rather than the man who would later claim the bow. OK, that’s fine. I mean, the whole alien thing is kinda weird and still very vaguely explained, but again, my full thoughts on the history of the Darkin as a whole can be seen in the Aatrox analysis. What I think is most important here is that Riot made an attempt, however sloppy, to explain who and what the Darkin were and finally give context to why Aatrox and Rhaast are such big threats to the world.

Now, it’s the next change that got a lot of controversy around it. Rather than just change the name of the Ionian guard who let Varus possess him, the guy who lost his family to the Noxian invasion, Riot decided to replace him with a pair of entirely new characters: Valmar and Kai, a duo of gay Ionian hunters.

Now, I’m just gonna get this out of the way: I’ve got no real qualms about gay relationships in media. Hell, we have a few LGBT Champions in the game already, and even some in the broader expanse of the world. My main gripe comes from the introduction of Valmar and Kai themselves, and how they’re just sort of these… Nothing characters. I mean, in the first lore, we knew who Varus was. We may not have known him well, but we could at least get a general sense of his character: he was proud of his skill, committed to the duty given to him even at the risk of his family, but ultimately succumbed to grief and rage when his decision caused him to lose everything he held dear. Varus was a good man warped by the loss of his home and loved ones, and that made him a fairly compelling character.

Valmar and Kai are… Two gay hunters. That’s it. That’s literally all we know about them from the bio alone. I mean, yes, Riot released a comic to further expand on these characters, but if your answer to the questions raised in your story are “go and read this extra supplementary material for context,” that’s… A problem.

On the topic of supplementary material, Riot also released a music video about Varus. It’s… OK. I personally don’t care much for the song but the visuals alone are really well-done. It’s supposed to detail the conflict between Valmar, Kai and Varus, but most of the context behind it is explained in the comic and short story.

Honestly, Varus’s retcon is kind of baffling. I mean, he didn’t receive a visual rework, his kit remained pretty-much the same as it’s always been, and he doesn’t even have any new voice lines in-game to indicate that he’s three different guys all stuck in one body. In fact, people who play him in-game without reading the lore probably wouldn’t ever be able to guess as much. Riot went to so much effort promoting Varus’s lore update with a music video, a new bio, a new color story, and a three-part comic, but they really haven’t changed anything about him in the game itself. They put more effort into him than they do for most ACTUAL Champion VGU’s. So… Why?

Admittedly, this is where I’m going to delve a bit into conspiracy theory territory, but I genuinely believe this is a case of Riot trying to push League’s first openly queer relationship. Seriously, Valmar and Kai are the first time a character in League has been confirmed gay IN THE LORE ITSELF and not just through a random tweet. Now, the word “pandering” gets thrown around a lot these days, and I don’t really like to use it, but it really does feel like Valmar and Kai were added JUST to have a confirmed gay couple in the lore.

The fact that they’re not even acknowledged IN THE GAME ITSELF really makes the whole thing feel like an attempt to just appeal to the LGBT crowd, though I’ve seen plenty of people in that community react… Less than positively to the portrayal. I mean, two gay guys are literally trying to hold back a corruptive, even influence with the power of love. I don’t wanna delve too much into the political side of things here, but that’s honestly about as cliché and stereotypical as you can get. Fans in general were extremely displeased that the man they knew as Varus, this genuinely tragic figure from the original lore, was replaced by two guys who’s only defining character trait is how much they apparently love each other.

Apparently, these complaints came through loud and clear, as Riot would update Varus one final time after deciding to retcon the whole alien plotline. So, let’s have a look at how his current, canon bio handles him.

Alright, well… Riot heard the complaints, but whether or not they fixed him is another matter. It seems like they tried to give Varus back his original origin story, basically making the archer we new from his first bio Shuriman. The problem is that there’s significantly less context for him now; we don’t know anything about his family, we don’t know why the temple he’s guarding is so important, and the story never even explicitly states that his family died!

I guess it’s implied because the Ascended acknowledged his “sacrifice,” though him being rewarded by becoming a demigod doesn’t quite have the same impact as exchanging his life and soul for a shot at revenge. On top of that, Varus seems pretty quick to give up on the whole “sacred duty” thing, despite the story claiming that being the thing he “he held above all else.” It all feels like a botched effort to mix his original bio with the new Ascended lore that Riot tied in with the Darkin.

Then, of course, there’s Valmar and Kai, who are… Still just gay hunters. They haven’t been expanded on at all. They helped drive the Noxians off from their home, Kai was apparently wounded, and Valmar decides that dipping his lover in an ominous pool of evil to save his life is a bad idea. Seriously, the bio states that they “inadvertently” freed Varus, but there was nothing accidental about it! There was no bargain, they weren’t tricked, it was literally just one guy making a stupid decision that got him fused with his lover and an ancient evil being.

Also, can we address the fact that Varus still wants to avenge the destruction of his race? Who does he want to avenge? The other Ascended? The Ascended who literally warred with each other for centuries? The same Ascended that HE FOUGHT AGAINST during the civil war for control of Shurima? Did Riot just… Forget that he’s not an alien anymore in that brief paragraph? They stated earlier that he was a cruel, merciless killer who just went to slaughter whoever he was told to slaughter, so for some reason I don’t feel like he’d care all that much about his “race” being felled. Oh, and there’s also still the unnamed warrior queen, who I THINK is meant to be a precious Aspect of the Sun? It’s never really stated in the bio itself.

Alright, enough ranting. Varus’s current lore suffers from one major fault: it is trying way too hard to tell several stories all at once. It tells the story of Varus as a human, Varus as an Ascended, Varus as a Darkin, the “story” of Valmar and Kai, and how they got fused with Varus. The writers tried way too hard to cram everything into a single bio and, as a result, nothing is elaborated on. Nothing is really explained, we don’t get to know the characters who are involved in the gestalt entities now known as Varus, and reason for his current existence AS a gestalt entity are just kinda silly, if we’re being honest.

So, how can we fix this? I admit: this was a tough one. There were a lot of different directions I could go when rewriting Varus’s lore, but I decided to take the Kayn approach, where the human host in the focus of the bio. Originally, I did have a whole bio written out for Varus and how he became an Ascendant, but I ultimately realized that I was going to run into the same issue Riot did: trying to cram way too much into a single character overview. So, instead, I chose to focus in more on the story of Valmar and Kai, and how the Darkin Bow was freed after ages of confinement. Without any further ado, please enjoy.

For years, the Darkin Bow has remained confined within the Ionian city of Pallas. The bow’s true nature has long been lost to time, though legends say it holds the spirit of an ancient god from a vast desert land. Others claim that the bow itself is something much older and viler than history itself dares to remember. Whatever the truth may be, the people have Pallas have guarded the bow for generations, choosing only their most skilled warriors from the task. Among them, none seemed better-suited for the task than Kai and Valmar.

Kai and Valmar were inseparable since they were children. Kai, a prodigy marksman, was known for his sense of humor and fierce resolve. Though infamous for his pranks, Kai would never hesitate to step in and defend someone in need, no matter how poorly the odds stood in his favor. By contrast, Valmar had trained in the ways of swordsmanship since he was old enough to grip a blade. Diligent and studious, Valmar was what many considered a model samurai in the making, yet he was also unendingly curious about the world and the many wonders it held.

At a glance, Kai and Valmar seemed near-total opposites, yet the two formed an unbreakable bond from the day they met. Kai would often accompany Valmar to explore the surrounding wilderness, only for Valmar to shelter Kai whenever one of his pranks went awry. As each boy matured, mastering the bow and blade respectively, their bond became something deeper than simple friendship. Valmar was a part of Kai, and Kai a part of Valmar. Neither was complete without the other, and so it came as little surprise that when Valmar was chosen to guard the Temple of the Bow, Kai soon followed.

Together, Valmar and Kai drove off many would-be thieves seeking to claim the cursed weapon’s power as their own. The two fought as one, each arrow from Kai’s bow in perfect sync with every swing of Valmar’s blade. Eventually, they came to be known as the Locust and Mantis, for the whirring of Kai’s arrows and the elegance of Valmar’s blade. It was believed that none could stand up to their combined might… Until the Noxians came.

From their post at the temple, Valmar and Kai watched in horror as the invaders stormed their home, setting fires and killing anyone who dared to stand in their way. For the first time, two warriors found themselves at odds; Kai wished to help defend the people of Pallas, but Valmar insisted on protecting the temple. In the end, neither had much choice in the matter, for the Noxians soon had them cornered on the temple steps.

Valmar and Kai fought for hours, their combined might slowly waning against the invaders’ onslaught. Kai’s strength was the first to give out, yet before death could reach him, Valmar stepped in the way to shield his partner from the blow of a Noxian axe. Kai watched in horror as Valmar fell to the ground, lifeless. Enraged, Kai fired all the arrows he had left before taking up Valmar’s sword, slaying the Noxian forces assaulting the temple. Even still, he knew it would not be long before more came, seeking to claim the forbidden bow.

In that moment, Kai heard a voice calling to him from within the temple. It promised him vengeance and the strength to fight back. Driven by rage and grief, the wounded archer let the voice guide him inside, just as more Noxian invaders began their ascent up the temple’s stairs. It was there, in the darkness, that Kai at last set eyes upon the cursed weapon he and Valmar spent years protecting: a bow thrumming with unearthly power. Kai hesitated for only a moment before grasping the bow, letting its power wash over him.

Kai’s mind was filled with images and thoughts not his own: a vast desert empire, a man made a god, betrayal, war, and finally, imprisonment. These were the memories of Varus, an Ascended being who devoted his life to serving Shurima, only to be abandoned in his time of need. His bitterness and hatred had summoned the Darkin Bow, granting Varus the opportunity to seek revenge on those who had wronged him. In the end, Varus was sealed within the bow, becoming one with it… And now, he would become one with Kai as well.

As Varus’s memories filled Kai’s mind, the Darkin’s power corrupted his body. Varus prepared to usurp Kai’s form entirely, but to his surprise, the Ionian’s drive for vengeance matched his own. Kai was prepared to give anything to avenge Valmar, his fallen half, yet he would do so with his own hands rather than entrust the task to a fallen god.

Even as their minds fought, the archers’ new, fused body moved on pure instinct. One by one, the Noxian forces in Pallas were felled by crimson arrows born of pure malice. Seeing the corpses of his kinsmen and the ruins of his home only fueled Kai’s rage, which in-turn empowered the Darkin in his grasp. Finally, the two archers came to an agreement as the Noxians fled: Varus would lend Kai his strength, in exchange for the Ionian’s body once Kai’s vengeance was complete.

Now on borrowed time, Kai has but one objective: to find and kill everyone he holds responsible for the destruction of his home and the death of his partner. To Varus, however, the destruction of Noxus is but the first step toward a much larger goal: revenge against the gods who betrayed him, and the world that sealed him away…

So, that’s my take on Varus’s lore. Now, the first thing you’ll probably notice is that I only have one of the lovers being possessed. Frankly, I felt that this was probably the best direction to go with; Riot still hasn’t updated Varus in any meaningful way to include Valmar and Kai in any of his voice lines, and something tells me that, being owned by a certain Chinese company, they probably never will. Given the circumstances, I figured it was probably best to give him a backstory more befitting of his in-game voice lines, which still portray Varus as a man on borrowed time who’s giving what little he has left in pursuit of vengeance.

Even so, I decided to try my hand at fleshing out Valmar and Kai. The first thing I did was change them from random hunters to trained soldiers tasked with guarding the temple. This not only harkens back to Varus’s original lore, but it also gives them more of a reason to stand their ground against the Noxian invaders. I also wanted to flesh out their personalities a little more, because I’ll be completely honest: I legitimately couldn’t remember which one was which even after skimming back through the comic. I forgot that Kai was the one who was injured in the original story, not Valmar, but quite frankly it matters so little given how poorly their characters are fleshed out.

Now, as for Varus himself… Well, like I said: I did have a whole bio written out for him that ties into the new Darkin lore I introduced in my Aatrox analysis, but I decided to focus the story more on Valmar and Kai and only have that backstory briefly alluded to. A tad disappointing, I know, but hey, it’s still more than what we learned about Rhaast from Kayn’s bio.

So, that was Varus, the Arrow of Retribution, otherwise known as Riot’s botched attempt at LGBT representation. He’s a far cry from what he started out as, and yet, hilariously, he’s really not on account of them still not updating anything about him in-game. In that respect, the Varus you play as in League isn’t really even the same character(s) presented in the lore. While I still firmly believe that his backstory never needed to be changed so drastically in the first place, I least wanted to present the potential that this direction held, and how badly the opportunity was squandered.

Oh well. At least the music video still looks nice.

[earbuds-and-hightops]

An Open Letter to Supernatural

[ Spoiler warning for 15x20, obviously ]

I understand that a well-contemplated complaint about this ending cannot be made without first reading the original, pre-COVID, script of 15x20, but in the long run, the initial plan is not what will be remembered. 

What will be remembered is what this show created. What it became beyond two brothers driving around the country, hunting monsters. Characters were introduced and developed, and in that, Sam and Dean Winchester become so much more than two kids living on the road. In the past 15 years, the cast, and thus the family, grew to something that would be unimaginable to those who started this project back in 2005. Not only did the characters and their stories become meaningful, but the show itself grew into, well, a family. The fans who have kept this show alive since Day 1 have come together to form what I believe is the greatest community in pop culture. 

What hurts the most is that this finale did not do any of that development justice. 

The finale (and consequently the episodes leading up to it) reverts back to the story between only Sam and Dean. While some see this as an ode to who they are--their brotherhood and familial bond being the heart of their values and the root of their characters--I cannot help but see this as a rejection of their experiences this past decade and a half. 

What’s worse, episode 15x18 confirmed one of the most pure and powerful and goddamn beautiful romances that television will ever see. This story of an angel who abandoned his family and the only beings he’s known for thousands of years, all for one person. I knew from the instant the screen faded to black on November 5 that the story of Castiel will always be remembered, even if his feelings were unrequited. Castiel will always be remembered. 

And then there’s Destiel. I was genuinely impressed that this show would even grow to include a queer angel, more importantly, a queer character in a leading role. The queer-baiting and the “bury your gays” trope both make this confession and its lack of acknowledgement that much worse (and is worthy of an entirely separate open letter for another night). It matters less if Dean does or doesn’t reciprocate these feelings and more that it’s wrong that he completely ignores it. Cas’s love confession, this beautifully tragic and tragically beautiful emotion coming from a being who wasn’t supposed to feel emotions at all, is something that, unfortunately, will become a secret that dies with Dean Winchester. 

It’s truly a shame that the writers of this show let that happen. 

We haven’t even touched the fact that Castiel’s death was an act of sacrifice to save Dean. Dean’s limited reaction and lack of mourning* tears apart this phrase that has become pivotal to the entire show and fanbase: “Family don’t end in blood.” While it would be a lot to ask that Dean rescue Cas from the Empty and resume their cycle of rescue and resurrection, I think it’s only fair that Dean take the time to fully accept Castiel’s actions and words for what they mean instead of simply moving forward as if they never happened.

What’s more, Misha Collins is one of the greatest and kindest people in this world, and he’s poured his heart and soul into Supernatural, just like everybody else. He’s spent 12 years on this project, and the final two episodes hardly mentioned his character. He didn’t deserve this. It’s heartbreaking that his last credit on this show will be a prank call from someone trying to impersonate him, and not something that pays tribute to such an important character and important actor**

The most devastating part of this ending is what happened in 15x19. Pardon my French when I say that that episode, the ultimate climax of the season and latter half of the series, was a piece of dog shit. It’s incredibly frustrating to invest in 15 years worth of television and look forward to this ultimate battle between two average boys and God the Almighty Himself and to instead watch a 6-minute long fist fight on the beach with the only dialogue being variations of “seriously guys, stay down.” 

My issues with 15x19 lie less in the storyline that was chosen and more in how they were presented. I am completely on board with Jack taking God’s power and eventually becoming the new God, but the episode was far too quick to have any real meaning, and, as stated before, Castiel’s sacrifice, which allows Sam, Dean, and Jack to do what they do in 15x19, is hardly mentioned.

Most fans agree that 15x19 was far too quickly paced. The plot with Michael and Lucifer was questionable to begin with, but should have been an episode on its own if it were to be perused at all. Michael’s story in particular could have been fleshed out to reiterate this theme of overly loyal sons and their fathers, as well as their relationships with less loyal siblings, but was instead reduced to about 20 minutes of screen time. 

Though this is less important, Lucifer’s plan to make a new Death felt like a cheap cop-out just to close the storyline with Death’s book, but we can finish that discussion another day. 

The general fan reaction to this atrocity of an episode was that this was meta, and according to Becky, the ending was supposed to be dog shit. This, along with the untouched storyline started when Cas died, gave fans so much hope that the finale would be this amazing piece of art that puts Supernatural in the history books. 

While it’s obvious that an hour cannot perfectly tie up every single event and arc with a pretty little bow, it can at least...try. Any finale should, at minimum, pay tribute to what the show started as (which 15x20 did well) and what it became (which 15x20 failed to do miserably). 

In addition, a reference to character back in season 1 is incredibly frustrating when recurring characters with actual, well, character go unnoticed. I mostly reference Eileen here, but this also applies to Jody and Donna. Nobody even mentions the other wonderful friends who have helped Sam and Dean along their journey to Heaven. If family doesn’t end in blood, then why doesn’t it extend to include Castiel, Jack, Mary, Rowena, Charlie, Kevin, Jody and her girls, Donna, and so many others?

Dean’s death was sad, I’ll give them that (and honestly, I was expecting it). However, considering that this man has defeated apocalypses, killed Death, and taken down God, his death via nail in the wall was incredibly anticlimactic, and something that could literally have happened at any point over the 15 seasons. While Dean’s death was obviously not my ideal ending, I think it could have worked if it were done properly, and in this case, it was not. That said, I do appreciate that Sam did not try to bring Dean back, as that would indicate literally no growth at all.

Dean’s funeral was...pathetic, to say the least. Sam being the only person there was depressing considering that Dean had lots of other close friends (and you’d think that Jack would pay his respects, but apparently not), however, this is likely a scene that was impacted by COVID and the availability of some of the cast, so I will not dwell on that scene.

Dean’s time in Heaven complicates matters even more. Firstly, Bobby confirms that Castiel is no longer in the Empty and has been in contact with Jack. I would have loved to see this reunion; Cas is essentially Jack’s father, and I would have loved to see how their upgrading/remodeling of Heaven brought them closer together. I understand that the writers were trying to focus this finale story on the brothers, this goes back to my earlier point that you cannot simply ignore everything that that this show has grown to include. Bobby’s explanation also begs the question of why Dean had no intention of seeing Cas (or Jack, for that matter) again now that he has the opportunity.

Secondly, Dean’s instinct to go directly for the Impala was very in-character, however, the editing implied that driving was all Dean did until Sam died. As we know, Sam dies of old age, likely (completely guessing here) upwards of 40-50 years from Dean’s death, and that is a very, very long time for Dean to simply driving around the mountains. It would have been nice to see Dean reunite with other family and friends who are also in Heaven, however, again, COVID restraints.

Sam’s ending was similar to what I and a lot of other fans imagined (not necessarily wanted, but predicted) it to be: kids and a wife, living a normal, monster-free, life. I hate to believe that he doesn’t end up with Eileen (to my recollection, his wife was a blur in the background, and it is unclear if she was meant to be Eileen) however that might just be my bias and appreciation of Shoshannah Stern. While I’m glad that this storyline gave Sam the room to grow and develop without his brother, it also completely ignores everything that he’s been through this past decade and a half, and that is something that should not happen. Sam grew and changed so much since he left Stanford and leaving that life, the life of a hunter, behind feels very counterintuitive.

Let’s not even discuss the wig that Jared wore. It reminded me of the Cain wig that Rob wore in the Hillywood parody.

What shocked me the most at the beginning of this episode was the lack of a “The Road So Far” compilation. I hoped for the full song with a recap of all 15 seasons, or, at minimum, the typical single-season recap. “Carry On My Wayward Son” is such an important part of the show and the culture of the fan base, that it seems almost sacrilegious that the season finale not begin with this song and a memorial to the events in the past season (or series).*** I’m very happy that it was included at all, but I was shocked when Neoni’s cover took over.

No disrespect to Neoni; those girls are incredibly talented and I love their music, however, a series finale of a 15 season long show does not feel like the place for a cover when they already have the rights to the original, and the original is so iconic.

Lastly, I want to acknowledge Jensen Ackles’s reaction to this conclusion. At a con panel about a year ago, he said that he needed to be talked into agreeing to this script by Erik Kripke himself, because the ending just wasn’t sitting right with him. So many fans took this to believe that he was homophobic and afraid that of Destiel becoming fully canon, and he got so much more hate than he deserved, because ultimately, he was right in his first opinion. This isn’t the way this story should have ended. Jensen explained that he had been “too close” to the story, and that it took a more holistic view from a step backwards (the audience’s perspective, as he puts it) to agree on this ending, but honestly, nobody knows Dean Winchester better than Jensen, and he knows what’s best and what would be the best way to finish this character’s arc. I think fans and Jensen alike agree that this wasn’t it.

I sympathize with all of the cast and crew members who disagree with how this show ended but are bounded by contract to support this show no matter what. Especially Misha and Jensen.

Over all, I believe that Supernatural will go down in history (in internet communities, at least) as one of the greatest shows ever. While I do agree that the writing quality in terms of both dialogue and plot declined as years passed, the community, the family, that this show created cannot be ignored because of a poorly written/planned ending. I think that the fandom will collectively let go of this disaster of an ending that we were given and will, just like Sam and Dean, write our own stories. I have full faith and confidence that Supernatural will not be represented by this finale episode, but by the beautiful stories, amazing characters, and the family that this show created and what the fans have chosen to do with it.

Sincerely,

A Fiercely Frustrated but Fiercely Loyal Fan

* I do not count that last clip of Dean crying on the floor as mourning. In my mind, that was a reaction, not an emotional healing and overcoming, if that makes sense. I argue that if Dean were to fully mourn and process everything (like Sam did in 15x20) we would have seen at least a bit of that on screen. 

** This is where I would have loved to see some of the original scripts. I hope that the writers initial intentions were to have Misha more involved in these last two episodes than what was likely a voice memo created in 10 minutes tops at Misha’s house.

*** The strange montage at the end of 15x19 makes so much more sense. I still would have preferred that montage at the beginning of 15x20. This also shines light on the video that Misha posted. What would we do without him :)

[squadron-of-damned-writes]

tagged by @thiswaycomessomethingwicked. Found this sitting in my drafts after third of a year later. No time like the present, right?

Rules are: List the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20, just list them all!). See if there are any patterns. Choose your favorite opening line.

(how convenient that AO3 shows 20 works per page by default!)

1. It most certainly is a morning and the doorbell rings. Like the beginning of a horror movie, Sam thinks as he makes his way from his room to the front door. (The Night In Gale, 2019-10-11, Good Omens x Supernatural)

2. The remnants of the stained glass creak and shatter under the heavy plate sabatons. The men clad in deep red robes watch the armoured figures walk through the raided monastery in careful silence. (Moon And Destiny, 2019-08-24, Les Misérables x Wizardry)

3. “Alright squad! Who are we doing this week?”  (One Gay at a Time, 2019-08-31, Les Misérablex x Queer Eye for the Straight Guy)

4. Light. Everything is is spinning. Light, even behind closed eyelids. It’s omnipresent. Radiant, blinding, magnificent light. (Like A Teen Girl,[1] 2019-11-15, W.I.T.C.H.)

5. Witches have pricking in their thumbs, Varen had his stomach worms, and Lyris had her teeth. She could feel them vibrating in her gums. It usually went away with a couple of flagons of mead, but apparently not tonight. If anything, it made it worse. So here she was, Lyris called Titanborn, tipsy but not yet drunk, sitting by the campfire with the two of Companions and a growing feeling of dread as her teeth planned to run for the hills. It made her only more irritated. (Mind How She Goes, 2019-11-30, Elder Scrolls Online)

6. “Well, are you going to stand there the whole night?” (The Past, the Present, the Death, and the Devil, 2019-12-19, Les Misérables)

7. There is this thing they don’t tell you about dying – it gave you mother of all headaches. In all those tomes and epic sagas there could had been at least once mentioned that the brave heroes and mighty beings who returned from the Other side felt like a horse kicked thorough their head. This terrible pain was usually why your freshly resurrected dead scream in agony and want to destroy things. (The Many Deaths of Me,[2] 2017-04-30, World of Warcraft)

8. As strange as it was, Lyris finds an odd sort of peace here. It is not her old home – she doubts she could ever return there – but her cabin near Riften is a new home. At first it was a house, but she made it a home. It was a hard work to get there, and she is rightfully proud of it all. (To Be Found, 2019-12-09, Elder Scrolls Online)

9. Say what you want about the Tribunal and Vvardenfell, there is something that draws a good hero to the city of Vivec. That something might be a divine presence, but most likely it is simply the presence of a quarter with publicly accessible forges and looms in the close proximity to a bank and the drop site for commissioned works. (The Battlespire, 2020-05-09, Elder Scrolls Online)

10. “Your Majesty, a message for you.” The chamberlain presents the envelope on a silver tray with a gentle bow. Queen Ayrenn picks it up with her delicately manicured fingers, and the soft warm breeze of early autumn attempts to snatch the piece of creamy paper from her as it hurls large honey and amber coloured leaves before finally settling them on the ground. (War Ends, 2020-07-26, Elder Scrolls Online)

11. “Allow me to ask you again for clarification, Your Ex-” “Charles, dear brother. Simply and plainly Charles, for we all are equal in the eyes of the almighty God.” “- Charles: I have died.” (The Man Who Saved A World, 2020-08-12, Les Misérables)

12. So that’s it, you suppose. You are going to sit down on this chair, because someone has to. (The Tale of Two Fates, 2020-09-05, Death and Taxes)

13. There is a saying in Ferelden: When you think you’ve reached the bottom, the Maker shows up with a shovel. Like most farmer wisdom, even this one applies in Orlais. (Land Turned Red, 2020-12-29, Dragon Age)

14. So you come to the supermarket on Friday morning and in the ice-cream isle is a poorly paid and even poorerly shaven retail worker unloading boxes of frozen pizzas, eyeing them like man who’s missed out on breakfast and his contract doesn’t include lunch break. (Observations of an Unconcerned Bus Driver, 2021-03-07, Stardew Valley)

15. They are giving him that look. He knows it well and hasn’t seen it in a long long time. It is the look that says: “I can’t believe that out of all the people in Thedas, he was the one to save us.” (Fine Literature, 2021-03-14, Dragon Age)

16. A young woman stands in a garden. It is a beautiful garden, very lush in spite of all damnation raining from the sky lately, now that the Veil is gone and… And all that. (Houserite, 2021-03-29, Dragon Age x Homestuck)

17. If you asked Solas, it was the most predictable outcome, blatantly staring you in face, shoving middle finger into your nose and blowing a raspberry. However, nobody asked Solas and even less people cared for his issues with Sera’s behaviour, and thus when Dorian goes missing, almost everyone is surprised. (The Excellent Week of Dorian Pavus, 2021-04-09, Dragon Age x Doctor Who)

18. Talent. A short and complicated word. What is a talent? (Necromancer’s Virtues, 2021-05-06, Dragon Age)

19. Fucked.That’s what they are. Fucked. Completely and thoroughly. The Trade Tongue is a limited and insufficient language and lacks any imagination whatsoever when it comes to cusswords. (The Wolves Breach Through, 2021-05-29, Dragon Age)

20. There are a lot of ways to tell that you’ve woken up the wrong way in the morning, and I was pretty certain that I’ve hit three of them at least: Every fiber of me was aching, two men were looming over me with worried expressions, and the sky was dark. Especially the last bit was extremely worrisome, since I was fairly certain I fell asleep in my bed at home under a solid ceiling above which is mum’s room and after that is the attic and after that is a roof and only then you get to see the sky. (Real Feeling of Sharing,[3] 2021-01-10, Dragon Age)

Observations:

I use the opening lines of a story like most people use headlines; luring in the reader by making them think “Hold on, what’s going on?” and hoping it ignites strong enough curiosity for them to read further to figure it out. For that reason more often than not the opening lines are not exactly related to the story.

A surprising amount of mu openings also clearly say: “The story you know is over.”

Also very specific thing which is less about opening lines and more about the trope of my fics: A suspicious number of beginnings based on the fact that the person of focus is dead or implied to be, or implied to be really close to it.

I also don’t like long introductions to the story, so it’s either “Things are happening now, figure it out dear reader” or “This is a thing I am going to focus on because it’s my thing, deal with it, plot will come later.”

Favourite opening line is from The Wolves Breach Through, especially because it quickly evolves into a rant about langauges. The Night In Gale is a close second, because I love to take a piss on the source material. For this reason The Battlespire also comes close to the top, although the fic in itselfwas shit.

[1] Like A Teen Girl should get renamed, because the story evolved from “Parody of the Magic Highschool Girls premise” to “Drama With the Lads”, but I eh, who cares anyway, right?

[2] The Many Deaths of Me deserves to be rewritten by older and more experienced me. It could be a great fic.

[3] Probably going to get renamed to Original Real Feeling of Sharing, but only when I start the next story from the series.

tagging: @timesthatneverwere @thewronglong

[almaasi]

reaction post typed while watching SPN 15x15 “Gimme Shelter”

fact: Cas is the best

--

02:35pm

well now i have africa by toto in my head

i am TIRED

i just went out to vote and i used up all my spoons

but i’m already a day late with this soooooo... i will use a fork

-

does it occur to sam and dean that by killing both god and the darkness it might not save the world but end it

-

i think this sloppy food is meant to look unappealing, but to me, a person who is both hungry and hasn’t eaten anything but mushed banana and burned green beans and assorted other mush and quinoa for over a year, it looks fucking delicious

-

i like pastor guy

i was informed it’s the same actor as played dr. sexy

i’m hoping that’s at least referenced

(edit: it was not. but i ain’t even mad, i really enjoyed this character and i think the actor would’ve been more limited if he’d been stuck with the dr. sexy character. he did a really moving job here)

-

02:45

dean trying to wordlessly signal to his husband that he needs to do the babysitting today

-

02:48

jack has a teddy <3

-

whY AND HOW DOES CAS HAVE A PHOTO OF HIMSELF AS A COWBOY

DID DEAN DEMAND THEY STOP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD AND PULL OUT HIS PHONE FOR A PHOTOSHOOT

AND PRINT PHOTOS

FOR REASONS

-

i like zack the crossroad demon

what a nerd

giving me crowley vibes but more good omens crowley than spn crowley

(edit: i wonder if zack is coming back another time? was that thread left open? he got in the car with the girl at the end but THEN WHAT)

-

cas: “no. no we’re gonna stay. we can help.”

THAT WAS SOFT 

<3

-

“vALERIe”

AND THE MASK

jumpscared me 

jesus

-

03:03pm

jack: “i have more dads than most”

sounds like his parents are in some kind of queerpoly relationship....

HMM

.........actually you know what, i think that was the point, i think it was meant to sound queer and when the girl doesn’t react negatively to that it shows what kind of church it is

wait wait i’m sorry

not church

faith based community

(i like that, actually)

-

connor confirmed gay

eyy it’s a good faith based community

but also sad the gay guy dies first :/

-

“a saint is a sinner who keeps trying”

10/10

-

???????????????

THE

GAS THING

IS BEHIND THE NUMBER PLATE

?????????????

FIFTEEN SEASONS AND OVER A DECADE ON TUMBLR AND I NEVER KNEW THAT

WHAT THE FUCK

-

i really don’t think they’re gonna kill amara by the end of this show

i still think amara, rowena, and billie make up some kind of holy trifecta and they outlive everyone else

-

i appreciate the narrative importance of not lying in this circle, because that’s why folks are dying

jack and cas don’t even know that

but cas wouldn’t even lie about his name

i love this

-

cas: “and i became a father, and in that i rediscovered my faith”

;~;

-

enjoying the reflection of cas and jack being completely honest, and sam and dean lying to amara on purpose

-

i attended a zoom torah class earlier this week and it was about the concept of adam being nonbinary, as in one androgynous being was split into masculine and feminine

that’s what amara talking about her and chuck being twins reminded me of

-

cas heals valerie’s hand while the pastor watches and i’m crying and i don’t even know why

cas is so good

i love cas so much

-

this is gonna give a bunch of these characters weird ptsd

they have injury trauma but no injury and nobody’s gonna believe them

-

03:37pm

cas: “in case i don’t make it back, there’s something you--”

me: OH????

cas: “--and sam need to know”

me: oh.

:/

-

10/10

i really liked this one

cas and jack’s story especially. my heart was warmed by it, and i’m so RELIEVED by their honesty. it really stood out to me that jack decided to open up to cas, and cas, i assume, tells dean at the end of the episode. 

i am really really hoping this is the snowball rolling down the hill towards actual genuine growth for all of them, wherein they don’t keep things from each other the way they have been doing for way too long.

maybe the one thing chuck never counted on is the winchesters not lying to each other.

<3

[pridebooks]

It’s Trans Day of Visibility, so have some books!!

Full list of books (with synopses) under the cut.

First picture: Books by trans authors (most also have trans characters)

Memoirs of a Man’s Maiden Years by N. O. Body - "I was born a boy, raised as a girl. . . . One may raise a healthy boy in as womanish a manner as one wishes, and a female creature in as mannish; never will this cause their senses to remain forever reversed." So writes the pseudonymous N. O. Body, born in 1884 with ambiguous genitalia and assigned a female identity in early infancy. Brought up as a girl, "she" nevertheless asserted stereotypical male behavior from early on. In the end, it was a passionate love affair with a married woman that brought matters to a head. Desperately confused, suicidally depressed, and in consultation with Magnus Hirschfeld, one of the most eminent and controversial sexologists of the day, "she" decided to become "he." N. O. Body was identified as Karl M. Baer (he/him).

Spy Stuff by Matthew J. Metzger - Anton never thought anyone would ever want to date him. Everyone knows nobody wants a transgender boyfriend, right? So he's as shocked as anyone when seemingly-straight Jude Kalinowski asks him out, and doesn't appear to be joking.The only problem is ... well, Jude doesn't actually know.Anton can see how this will play out: Jude is a nice guy, and nice guys finish last. And Anton is transgender, and transgender people don't get happy endings. If he tells Jude, it might destroy everything.And if Jude tells anyone else ... it will. Matthew J. Metzger (he/him) is a queer trans man.

I Wish You All The Best by Mason Deaver - When Ben De Backer comes out to their parents as nonbinary, they're thrown out of their house and forced to move in with their estranged older sister, Hannah, and her husband, Thomas, whom Ben has never even met. Struggling with an anxiety disorder compounded by their parents' rejection, they come out only to Hannah, Thomas, and their therapist and try to keep a low profile in a new school.But Ben's attempts to survive the last half of senior year unnoticed are thwarted when Nathan Allan, a funny and charismatic student, decides to take Ben under his wing. As Ben and Nathan's friendship grows, their feelings for each other begin to change, and what started as a disastrous turn of events looks like it might just be a chance to start a happier new life.At turns heartbreaking and joyous, I Wish You All the Best is both a celebration of life, friendship, and love, and a shining example of hope in the face of adversity Mason Deaver (they/them) is nonbinary.

George by Alex Gino -When people look at George, they think they see a boy. But she knows she's not a boy. She knows she's a girl.George thinks she'll have to keep this a secret forever. Then her teacher announces that their class play is going to be Charlotte's Web. George really, really, REALLY wants to play Charlotte. But the teacher says she can't even try out for the part . . . because she's a boy.With the help of her best friend, Kelly, George comes up with a plan. Not just so she can be Charlotte -- but so everyone can know who she is, once and for all. Alex Gino (they/them) is genderqueer.

Starglass by Phoebe North -  Terra has never known anything but life aboard the Asherah, a city-within-a-spaceship that left Earth five hundred years ago in search of refuge. At sixteen, working a job that doesn't interest her, and living with a grieving father who only notices her when he's yelling, Terra is sure that there has to be more to life than what she's got. But when she inadvertently witnesses the captain's guard murdering an innocent man, Terra is suddenly thrust into the dark world beneath her ship's idyllic surface. As she's drawn into a secret rebellion determined to restore power to the people, Terra discovers that her choices may determine life or death for the people she cares most about. With mere months to go before landing on the long-promised planet, Terra has to make the decision of a lifetime--one that will determine the fate of her people. Phoebe North (they/them) is genderqueer.

Power Surge by Sara Codair - Erin has just realized that for the entirety of their life, their family has lied to them. Their Sight has been masked for years, so Erin thought the Pixies and Mermaids were hallucinations. Not only are the supernatural creatures they see daily real, but their grandmother is an Elf, meaning Erin isn’t fully human. On top of that, the dreams Erin thought were nightmares are actually prophecies.While dealing with the anger they have over all of the lies, they are getting used to their new boyfriend, their boyfriend's bullying ex, and the fact that they come from a family of Demon Hunters. As Erin struggles through everything weighing on them, they uncover a Demon plot to take over the world.Erin just wants some time to work through it all on their own terms, but that's going to have to wait until after they help save the world. Sara Codair (they/she) is nonbinary.

Out of Salem by Hal Schrieve - When genderqueer fourteen-year-old Z Chilworth wakes from death after a car crash that killed their parents and sisters, they have to adjust quickly to their new status as a zombie. Always a talented witch, Z can now barely perform magic and is rapidly decaying. Faced with rejection from their remaining family members and old friends, Z moves in with Mrs. Dunnigan, an elderly witch, and befriends Aysel, a loud would-be-goth classmate who is, like Z, a loner. As Z struggles to find a way to repair the broken magical seal holding their body together, Aysel fears that her classmates will discover her status as an unregistered werewolf. When a local psychiatrist is murdered in an apparent werewolf attack, the town of Salem, Oregon, becomes even more hostile to monsters, and Z and Aysel are driven together in an attempt to survive a place where most people wish that neither of them existed. Hal Schrieve (xie/hir) is a genderfluid trans man.

This is Kind of an Epic Love Story by Kacen Callender - Nathan Bird doesn’t believe in happy endings. Although he’s the ultimate film buff and an aspiring screenwriter, Nate’s seen the demise of too many relationships to believe that happy endings exist in real life.Playing it safe to avoid a broken heart has been his MO ever since his father died and left his mom to unravel—but this strategy is not without fault. His best-friend-turned-girlfriend-turned-best-friend-again, Florence, is set on making sure Nate finds someone else. And in a twist that is rom-com-worthy, someone does come along: Oliver James Hernández, his childhood best friend.After a painful mix-up when they were little, Nate finally has the chance to tell Ollie the truth about his feelings. But can Nate find the courage to pursue his own happily ever after?  Kacen Callender (they/them) is a demiboy.

Ninefox Gambit by Yoon Ha Lee - Captain Kel Cheris of the hexarchate is disgraced for using unconventional methods in a battle against heretics. Kel Command gives her the opportunity to redeem herself by retaking the Fortress of Scattered Needles, a star fortress that has recently been captured by heretics. Cheris’s career isn’t the only thing at stake. If the fortress falls, the hexarchate itself might be next.Cheris’s best hope is to ally with the undead tactician Shuos Jedao. The good news is that Jedao has never lost a battle, and he may be the only one who can figure out how to successfully besiege the fortress.The bad news is that Jedao went mad in his first life and massacred two armies, one of them his own. As the siege wears on, Cheris must decide how far she can trust Jedao–because she might be his next victim. Yoon Ha Lee (he/him) is a trans man.

Second pic: Books with trans characters

Gracefully Grayson by Ami Polonsky -  Alone at home, twelve-year-old Grayson Sender glows, immersed in beautiful thoughts and dreams. But at school, Grayson grasps at shadows, determined to fly under the radar. Because Grayson has been holding onto a secret for what seems like forever: “he” is a girl on the inside, stuck in the wrong gender’s body.The weight of this secret is crushing, but leaving it behind would mean facing ridicule, scorn, and rejection. Despite these dangers, Grayson’s true self itches to break free. Strengthened by an unexpected friendship and a caring teacher who gives her a chance to step into the spotlight, Grayson might finally have the tools to let her inner light shine.

Beautiful Music for Ugly Children by Kirstin Cronn-Mills - "This is Beautiful Music for Ugly Children, on community radio 90.3, KZUK. I'm Gabe. Welcome to my show."My birth name is Elizabeth, but I'm a guy. Gabe. My parents think I've gone crazy and the rest of the world is happy to agree with them, but I know I'm right. I've been a boy my whole life.When you think about it, I'm like a record. Elizabeth is my A side, the song everybody knows, and Gabe is my B side--not heard as often, but just as good.It's time to let my B side play.

Symptoms of Being Human by Jeff Garvin - The first thing you’re going to want to know about me is: Am I a boy, or am I a girl?Riley Cavanaugh is many things: Punk rock. Snarky. Rebellious. And gender fluid. Some days Riley identifies as a boy, and others as a girl. The thing is…Riley isn’t exactly out yet. And between starting a new school and having a congressman father running for reelection in uber-conservative Orange County, the pressure—media and otherwise—is building up in Riley’s so-called “normal” life.On the advice of a therapist, Riley starts an anonymous blog to vent those pent-up feelings and tell the truth of what it’s REALLY like to be a gender fluid teenager. But just as Riley’s starting to settle in at school—even developing feelings for a mysterious outcast—the blog goes viral, and an unnamed commenter discovers Riley’s real identity, threatening exposure. Riley must make a choice: walk away from what the blog has created—a lifeline, new friends, a cause to believe in—or stand up, come out, and risk everything.

The Art of Being Normal by Lisa Williamson - David Piper has always been an outsider. His parents think he's gay. The school bully thinks he’s a freak. Only his two best friends know the real truth: David wants to be a girl.On the first day at his new school Leo Denton has one goal: to be invisible. Attracting the attention of the most beautiful girl in his class is definitely not part of that plan. When Leo stands up for David in a fight, an unlikely friendship forms. But things are about to get messy. Because at Eden Park School secrets have a funny habit of not staying secret for long…

Mask of Shadows by Linsey Miller - Sallot Leon is a thief, and a good one at that. But gender fluid Sal wants nothing more than to escape the drudgery of life as a highway robber and get closer to the upper-class—and the nobles who destroyed their home.When Sal steals a flyer for an audition to become a member of The Left Hand—the Queen’s personal assassins, named after the rings she wears—Sal jumps at the chance to infiltrate the court and get revenge.But the audition is a fight to the death filled with clever circus acrobats, lethal apothecaries, and vicious ex-soldiers. A childhood as a common criminal hardly prepared Sal for the trials. And as Sal succeeds in the competition, and wins the heart of Elise, an intriguing scribe at court, they start to dream of a new life and a different future, but one that Sal can have only if they survive.

The Past and Other Things That Should Stay Buried by Shaun David Hutchinson - A good friend will bury your body, a best friend will dig you back up.Dino doesn’t mind spending time with the dead. His parents own a funeral home, and death is literally the family business. He’s just not used to them talking back. Until Dino’s ex-best friend July dies suddenly—and then comes back to life. Except not exactly. Somehow July is not quite alive, and not quite dead.As Dino and July attempt to figure out what’s happening, they must also confront why and how their friendship ended so badly, and what they have left to understand about themselves, each other, and all those grand mysteries of life.

I Was Born For This by Alice Oseman -  For Angel Rahimi, life is only about one thing: The Ark – a pop-rock trio of teenage boys who are currently taking the world by storm. Being part of The Ark’s fandom has given her everything – her friendships, her dreams, her place in the world. Jimmy Kaga-Ricci owes everything to The Ark too. He’s their frontman – and playing in a band is all he’s ever dreamed of doing. It’s just a shame that recently everything in his life seems to have turned into a bit of a nightmare. Because that’s the problem with dreaming – eventually, inevitably, real life arrives with a wake-up call. And when Angel and Jimmy are unexpectedly thrust together, they will discover just how strange and surprising facing up to reality can be.

The Pants Project by Cat Clarke - Whoever wrote the uniform policy decided (whyyy?) that girls had to wear skirts, while boys were allowed to wear pants. Sexist. Dumb. Unfair. “Girls must wear a black, pleated, knee-length skirt.” I bet I read those words a hundred times during summer vacation. The problem wasn’t the last word in that sentence. Skirt wasn’t really the issue, not for me. The issue was the first word. Girls. Here’s the thing: I may seem like a girl, but on the inside, I’m a boy.

[flowitch]

supernatural and lgbtqia+ characters

DISCLAIMER: i love these characters, which is why i watch the show. i do also have many issues with the show and the writers. this isn’t a hate post for the story or the characters, just the way the characters have been treated. do not read this if you are not caught up and do not want spoilers. this is also kinda a mess but i got very passionate about this and wrote it during classes

Dean Winchester

i’m gonna start with my boy dean!! dean is mine along with many other people’s favorite characters because of how complex he is. and one of the things that adds depth to his character is his “journey” with his sexuality.

there are many examples of dean very clearly not being straight, and he is officially headcanoned (and i guess canon now) as bisexual. you don’t even need to include dean and cas scenes for examples of his bisexuality. here is a video showing examples without any cas scenes:

https://youtu.be/rQSPmmuLJB0

now that we’ve established he is bisexual, let’s talk about the contradiction between the writing of his sexuality and character. the one i’m itching to talk about first is the confession scene in 10x16.

https://youtu.be/IqBHkwi13ic

in this scene, dean says, and i quote, if you don’t want to watch the video and don’t remember, “There's things, there's...people...feelings that I- I want to experience differently. Maybe even for the first time.” there honestly is no other way to interpret this. i’ve tried to put myself in the mind of the writers and the homophobes but i genuinely cannot interpret this another way. this is very clearly about his sexuality, being that there were no love interests at the time that this would apply to (not that this would even apply to a straight couple anyway). and not only does this confession scene occur, but sam even comments on how he was in there for a long time and he could always talk to him if he needs to!!!! they could have easily not had sam say anything about how long he spent in there, being that we as the viewers have no clue as to how long he was in there. they wrote that specifically to show that what he said in there had meaning and importance.

the writers and the crew of the show play into dean’s sexuality consistently with scenes, song of the days from the crew, etc., but then deny that destiel or dean’s bisexuality is real. i think a lot of this has to do with the fact that dean has always been considered as a “macho man” who shows very little emotion and has trouble with vulnerability. and that’s true! he absolutely is. but this show had 15 years to allow him to slowly work through his feelings and his issues with his own sexuality and self. the confession is a great example of the writers being almost there and then never speaking about it again.

even if you aren’t bisexual, you can see how much biphobia there is in the world. and as a bisexual woman i can say that bisexuality in men is so looked down upon it’s disturbing. men coming to terms with their bisexuality, especially if they are considered straight and “manly”, always makes me so happy since it’s not as accepted as female bisexuality. and this is another reason why supernatural exploring dean’s bisexuality would have been so incredible. seeing a man on television who has a lot of internal issues come to terms with something so complex and life changing would have been monumental to so many people. the writers had an infinite amount of ways to go about this because of things that THEY wrote, and instead chose to ignore his sexuality and have him not respond to castiel’s confession in 15x18. it’s very clear he was in shock in that episode so i’m not mad, but it is also clear that they wrote it that way to not fully make deancas canon.

dean winchester is bisexual, and the writers wrote him that way. nobody pulled this out of their ass, destiel didn’t become popular randomly and for no reason, they wrote him this way. this is their own writing that they have chosen to ignore and contradict for 15 seasons and it’s disappointing.

Castiel

this entire post is being written on november 6, 2020. one day after 15x18 aired. castiel is now canonically queer, and was already sent to someplace worse than hell. because he was happy. which directly connected to his love for dean. i honestly don’t even have to write cas’ section because that is enough, but i’ll write about his mistreatment anyway.

we knew the only thing that would make cas truly happy would be something with dean. well we assumed the writers would make up some other bullshit, but we hoped that it had something to do with dean. and sure enough, it was his love confession. and what i loved about this was cas starts it off by saying two beautiful things. one, that he knows he can never have what he really wants (dean), but he’s just as happy telling dean he loves him. he doesn’t need to have him to be happy with where they end their story, as long as dean knows. and the other thing he starts off by saying is that he knows how dean sees himself. he lists off all of these extremely kind things about dean and how dean is what made cas care about the world. he is the reason castiel went from an emotionless soldier to a fallen angel that feels deep love for people.

this confession scene although tainted by the fact that he died right after, which we’ll talk about, and the fact that it took this damn long, really means a lot to me. it was so incredible seeing cas be unapologetically open, honest, in love, and himself. he was for the first time since we’ve known him, completely and totally content. he told the man he loves how incredible he thinks he is and how he loves him, and knew he was saving him from billie by doing it. we’ve never seen him that happy. and it’s heartbreaking. 

misha summed it up perfectly i think: “Tonight, watching Cas talk to Dean, I got lost in the story and forgot for a moment that I’m the one who plays that angel and I thought, “He’s how I want to be. He’s openhearted and he’s selfless and he’s true.”

this was the first time we saw cas living his whole truth, and he immediately died. in terms of just bad taste, sending someone who just came out to angel hell is very disturbing, but it’s just further proof of the writers not caring about their lgbtqia+ characters. it’s like they gave us what we wanted, but there just had to be a catch, right? these writers very clearly do not care about their queer characters or fans, and what they did to cas here shows that plain as day.

obviously i really do want dean to save cas from the empty to parallel cas saving him from hell, but do i think it’ll happen in these last two episodes? no. first off i just don’t think misha filmed for the last two episodes, but also, the writers have made it clear that they do not care about cas in general, nevermind their now love story. it just does not sit right with me that he got sent to the empty for eternity because he was finally his whole self and happy.

Charlie Bradbury (our world + au)

we have seen charlie bradbury die twice, both times for no reason at all. the first time we saw her die, it was by the hands of a NAZI, and her body was THROWN INTO A BATHTUB. like i said before with cas, that was explanation enough i mean come ON. the second time we witnessed charlie die was in 15x18, (along with the whole world i know bare with me), which we did NOT need to see. 

let’s start with the fact that for all of these characters, supernatural creates and writes them wonderfully for the most part. we fall in love with these characters because of the way they were written, acted, and the dynamic with other characters. unfortunately in supernatural, if you are queer or a woman or god forbid both, that dynamic with other characters will be the death of you. 

i’m gonna talk about each other her deaths individually. so her first death. the only reason for her death was to further sam and dean’s (mostly dean’s) man pain. although i eat up the reactions of other characters when another dies, this just felt completely unnecessary to me. the writers wrote a fan-favorite character, and decided that the best course of action was to brutally murder her to further dean’s mark of cain storyline. and i loved that storyline! i loved the scene of dean getting revenge for charlie! but it did not need to happen. the only thing the fans wanted was for her to be alive and well, get more screentime and possibly have a girlfriend. 

when directly asked why they thought killing charlie was a good idea, jeremy carver said: 

“That’s an excellent question, and it, it’s tough just because...any time you have a favorite character on a show...People die on the show. And, and, and...and, unfortunately...So...there’s so many ways to answer that. And I feel, I, I...it’s tough for me to answer. She’s an absolutely beloved character, beloved on the show...And when we’re in the writer’s room...we have to go where the story takes us. And we try and do it without, um...(insert fans booing and the cast laughing at him)...this is the world day of my life. And I’d like to thank everyone up here for the support.” (they were not helping).

not only did he not have a clue on how to answer a question that should have an understandable answer, but then the best thing that he could come up with is “we have to go where the story takes us.” but why would that possibly be where the story takes you? if supernatural had more diversity than straight white males and possibly one woman that dies or is evil, then fine kill off whoever you want even if i don’t like it. but it becomes a gender and sexuality issue when she is not only the only recurring female character at the time, but also the only recurring lgbtqia+ character at the time (minus cas). 

now the second time she’s died. mind you this isn’t our world’s charlie. they brought her back for the fans and for the cast/crew that love her and felicia. we’ve established that she’s here living her life someplace. we haven’t heard anything about her for a hot minute, and then they decide to bring her back for 15x18. i was thrilled! i could not wait to see her, and was even more excited when she showed up on my television. and then, even better, we found out she has a girlfriend who she lives with and is clearly happy/comfortable with. and then what happens, may you ask? her girlfriend, stevie, a queer woman of color, vanishes. boom another unnecessary lgbtqia+ and woman death that could have been avoided if they just wrote in sam and dean calling her for help. 

later on in the episode, everyone on earth excluding dean, sam, and jack are gone- completely vanished where they stood. charlie of course is among those people. bare with me here, i know everyone vanished and it’s not the same as the first one. but here’s my issue with it: she did not have to come back. i would have rather had donna say “jodie, the girls, charlie, they’re ready to go when you need them”, and then they all vanish off screen. but instead they went through the trouble of bringing her back, showing her happy, having her experience a painful loss, and then disappear anyway. what was the point in having her in the episode?

like i mentioned earlier with dean being representation for bisexual men, charlie was just that for lesbians!! the amount of posts i’ve seen on multiple platforms talking about how much they resonated with charlie or how heartbroken they were no longer having representation on their favorite show is awful. there was a kickass nerdy, kind, strong, loving lesbian on your show not once but twice (au charlie), and you blew it. 

Claire + Kaia (Dreamhunter)

this part isn’t going to be long because there are some exceptions: wayward sisters failed spinoff (i’m still heartbroken i want it so bad), kathryn newton’s new status and inability to be in the show, etc.. so i guess this will just be a short thing about wayward sisters and what that could mean for claire and kaia. 

they had already established in supernatural that kaia was claire’s first love. we had gotten some really cute scenes with them, and then wayward sisters was finally a possibility. if the show had gone through, which i’m not sure why it didn’t, claire and kaia’s relationship could have been a goldmine. young girls could see themselves represented by characters already adored by supernatural fans. it would’ve shown a beautiful wlw relationship between two young girls who are also kickass and can keep up with their elders/male counterparts. 

i can’t pin this on the writers sadly (lmao), but i am still upset that we didn’t get wayward sisters. it would’ve meant a lot to women and to the lgbtqia+ community. 

My thoughts

like i said in the disclaimer, i love these characters and the story of supernatural. i always will. but i can’t lie about how frustrating it is seeing women, lgbts and people of color get constantly disregarded and mistreated. the writers had 15 years to get with the times, and the growth of society. stuff that i saw in season one and wasn’t surprised by should not still be happening in season 15. having writers that are all straight white males/women is not enough anymore. it never was. there has to be something for everyone in a show as big as this. it’s not about meeting diversity requirements, it’s about actually having diversity because it’s real. there are no diversity requirements for people in society. these are just people of different races, ethnicities, sexualities, genders, etc. who want to see someone like them represented on the things that they watch. it’s a lonely feeling not being validated by a show that you love.  

i might make another post specifically for the women mistreatment and queerbaiting on this show but that’s all for my essay on why supernatural sucks at not mistreating their queer characters :)

[ocular-intercourse]

@mangosandchili, Asher, the 4th

🌲 What is the kindest thing your OC has ever done for someone? What is the kindest thing someone has ever done for them? On the flip side, what is the worst thing your OC has done to another person?

People probably don’t immediately consider Asher to be kind, especially not since Adam disappeared. But that’s just because Asher tends to hide it. He is full of kindness, but most of it is silent, secret. Being kind for him is easy, cause he has the means to be kind easily, he does not want the attention because he does not want the praise for something that is so effortless with his privilege. He’s the person to pay for a meal when nobody is looking and when they go to pay the waiter tells them it’s already taken care of. He makes donations, but never in his name. He protects every single person close to him every single day. That’s probably the kindest thing he does, taking the weight of the world on his own shoulders so nobody else has to help carry it. As long as his father is focused on him, he’ll leave his brothers be, as long as he plays along with his father’s wishes for as much as he can bare, his father won’t punish him by harming people close to him. As long as he does not tell people about the things that are happening they are not implicated, they can just live their lives without worry. The kindest thing.. oof, I mean ppl are kind to him all the time cause they want in on the money and connections, so he does not trust a lot of it, or take it very seriously. Devin sticking around even after learning about his father and everything that is happening would be the one. Asher might not want it, but he’s definitely thankful for it, and it does save him. The worst thing is another wonderful painful thing to think about for Asher cause he sees so many terrible things he could list, but one is and will always be on top: Getting Adam killed. You could argue that it was his father, not Asher’s fault at all, but Asher would just counter with if Adam hadn’t known him, hadn’t been his boyfriend, he would not have died, so how could he not blame himself.

🌳 What does your OC do when they see others upset or in pain? An upset friend? A stranger?

That is extremely dependent on the situation. A lot of time he has to keep in mind who is there, what they will see, what his father might hear about it. If he can tell the problem is periodical, it will go away without his help, he will more often than not just ignore it. It’s not worth it, putting people on his father’s radar by associating with them. Most things people are going through are nothing compared to the things his father would do to them if Asher gave him any reason to believe they could be a useful tool to hurt or motivate him. People close to him, Devin or May, he would stay away from them in public, make it seem like he could not care less, and check in on them as soon as he has the opportunity to do so without witnesses. No wonder people think he is self-absorbed and cruel.

🌿 What is something true about your OC that they refuse to admit about themselves? Is there any reason to this besides embarrassment?

Anything positive probably. He is so deep down the rabbit-hole of hating himself for everything that has happened that he can’t accept the good things that are still there. That’s why he can’t understand Devin’s interest for the longest time, it makes him so angry to think he could see something worthwhile in him, he imagines it might just all be about the money. But Devin does eventually list a list of things that made him fall for him, one sounding more outlandish than the next to Asher’s ears. Most of all that Devin watches so carefully, he can see the stuff Asher tries to bury by being deliberately assholeish. He tells him how he can see his kindness, even when he tries to hide it, in the little things he does and hopes nobody notices, he sees how much he cares, that he tries to push for justice in the discussions he has with their teachers, he sees how big his heart is when he puts on an entirely different persona in front of his siblings.. and Asher cries out of relief of somebody seeing anything worthwhile in his character, but he still refuses to accept these things as true. Or more accurately, he argues them away, these things don’t count, most things, most accomplishments, don’t count for him, cause he either sees them as an act he puts on, or a direct result of the money and support he grew up with. That’s why he can’t stand the ‘gifted’ lable either, any talent he has he only has because he had all the resources of the world on his hands and a father at the back of his neck that did not allow him to be mediocre at anything. He does not quite see that only because you are expected to be extraordinary at something most people can’t just simply comply to that and actually succeed. But to him it’s all worth nothing.

🍃 Describe a regular day for your OC. What is their schedule (if they have one).          

His day has always been packed with activities and schoolwork, he’s very used to little free time, he is not exactly good at relaxing, or maybe he relaxes better by doing stuff than by doing nothing at this point. Being with Adam he had wrangled a bit more free time to be with him but he’s still very much overscheduled. So he has the art school classes, working on projects, learning, he has tutors for different languages, mainly mandarin at the moment, he goes to the shooting range, he has teachers for self-defense, he does not go to classes for instruments anymore but he still makes time to play, he goes to night school economics classes on the side, has to do the work and learning for that, he makes time for his siblings, time for the dance classes for the elderly he attends as a volunteering partner, he has clover, though she is well taken care of by the family’s staff, and any time in-between he probably fills with reading, or travelling to see exhibitions or concerts in other cities. There’s the social obligations of upper class people, socializing, fraternizing. Church on Sundays. And then there’s the times his father calls him in, demands him to be there, that can be as simple as business meetings, or dinner with some powerful allies, or turf war discussions with other crime families, or his father dealing out his punishment to the people that wronged him. And then recuperating from seeing people tortured and dying and suffering… Therapy. his plate is FULL. Which is not a bad thing, it keeps him occupied. He would simply not be able to do nothing, it would ruin him.

🍁 What is your OC’s most traumatic experience? (If they don’t have just one traumatic experience either pick one or describe them all!)

:) hooo boy, Asher has a whole portfolio of traumatic events, there are so many they start to become normal to him. He is surrounded by a lot of violence and psychological warfare. Of his father wanting to break him into becoming something he does not want to be. And when Asher refused his father’s orders too much he came up with a new way of disciplining him. Top of the list is of course seeing his boyfriend, love of his life, who he’s been with since they were practically children, tied to a chair, get shot and die, right next to him. By Asher’s father. As an direct answer to Asher’s behavior and educational measure, showing what happens when Asher disobeys. There’s not topping that, really. Maybe there is, but I refuse to.

🍄 How would your OC react to the death of a friend/family member/loved one? Is there anyone they can confide in?

:)) Godddd. Well, the one close death he’s been subjected to he has not really been allowed to deal with, no time for healing and grief. He did go to a clinic for a while after suffering a psychotic break down after what had happened. Asher tried for a while to tell the police what his father had done, even wrote to more distant police departments or investigators, only to always be redirected to his father till he had enough of Asher trying to rat him out and threatened sending Asher himself to prison for Adam’s murder, the staff at the clinic would gladly testify about Asher telling them about it, or threatened other people getting hurt if he kept trying to spread information. Officially, Adam ‘went missing’, the police covered it up, deduced he just ran away, queer kid from a somewhat small town, probably wanted to get away to the city. Asher and Adam’s family very much advocated against those findings, to no avail. He does not really have anybody to confide in. His therapist works for his father so he’s not very inclined to talk to him too truthfully. Other than that he has nobody he would share something like that with, cause he is too paranoid of his father finding out and tying up loose ends. Till now he’s pretty much just relied on numbing medication to get through the day, sleeping pills to get through the night. He has panic attacks and break downs and is irrational and aggressive, he is a mess, but he has no choice but to keep going. He has successfully pushed anybody away enough for them to either not care or leave him alone. I feel like, and Asher would hate that thought, anybody else dying, would almost feel like relief to him. One less person to be constantly scared for. One less reason to stay alive.

🌾 What would your OC be like if they were evil. Or if they’re already evil what would they be like as the good guy?

Evil Asher would be happy??? That’s really the ideal solution to all his problems. If he complied to his father, happily, to step into his footsteps and become his successor, he would not have a single problem. All of his trouble comes simply from him not being able to live with hurting other people. If he’d just be able to do that, no problem, he could just life his regular life at the side. So evil Asher would be soon-to-be crime boss, and good at it.

💐 How would your OC react to somebody telling them that they love them? (+ bonus give another characters/OC name!)

Nausea, doubt, refusal, panic. He does not want it, there is nothing good that comes from loving him, other than putting people in danger, when his father considers them as effective ways to threaten him. He hardly let’s other people say positive things about him, I love yous are definitely too much, he would probably be extra dickish the next couple of days, trying to scare you away more effectively. Devin definitely has been through that a couple of times, any time Asher lets him get a bit closer the next day he pushes him away twice as hard. Good thing Devin is persistent, as long as he knows Asher is just putting on an act because he is scared and hurt, he has no problem seeing past his behaviour.

🌷 What does your OC hate about themself? What lies about themself do they believe? On the flip side, What does your OC love about themself?

:))) It’s all shame and guilt and hatred. Even if he has good sides, they are either an act, or they are just useless? They do nothing for him, or for others. He’d rather be a bigger asshole, feel less, care less, and other people would be much safer.. well the regular civilians at least. He tries sometimes to convince himself, the people his father deals with, the ones he kills or punishes, they are in that situation for a reason, they dealt with the wrong people, they have made that deal knowing what could happen. Better to hurt them, than to hurt unsuspecting folks. But he just can’t justify hurting people, no matter who. So maybe what he hates the most about himself is his code of morality. He also hates thinking about his childhood, about admiring his father, before he knew about any of the crime. The lies he believes about himself are the ones he tells himself, about how terrible and unlovable he is, just a snobby rich kid with no redeeming qualities. He’d really have to dig deep to find anything he would actually consider lovable, I can’t quite come up with anything honestly. Jeez. Poor boy.

🥀 What is something your OC blames themselves for and is it really their fault? Does it keep them up at night and is there any lingering trauma?

Adam’s death, of course. Not that he has any control over his father’s actions, but he could have told Adam more about what was happening with his dad, so he could have made the informed decision of getting the hell out of there. He thinks about it all the time. His guilt, what he could have done differently, how he’s not allowed anything good anymore, cause Adam is somewhere rotting in a ditch and he is living, enjoying things? Impossible, not allowed.

🌺 In what situation would your OC be pushed to commit an act of violence? Would they go as far to kill someone if they had to? How would this affect them and their relationships with others?

:)))) He is constantly being pushed to commit acts of violence and he constantly refuses even though the consequences are hard. He does, however, finally, eventually, get pushed over the edge, when he’s once more facing the same situation, of the boy he loves sitting tied up in front of his father. He laughs about it sometimes, afterwards, the absurdity, the god-complex of his father, who really thought putting them in a room, giving Asher a weapon and telling him to kill his boyfriend would somehow not lead to his own death. So yeah, Asher does decide to kill his father. Thought the deciding part is not exactly an active choice, he blinks and is suddenly kneeling over his father’s perforated body. Which is probably the only way you could get Asher to kill someone, not by making him choose to consciously, but by giving him no other choice, for him to lose control and let his desperation take over. Devin tiptoes around Asher for a while, cause he’s just scared of what that did to him. He’s very attentive, looking for shock and trauma and anything he can help with.

🌸 What would your OC do if they were given god-like powers or the ability to change anything about the world for a whole day?

He would want to meet dead people, mostly artists, he admires. Have a chat with Van Gogh, meet Kurt Cobain, pick Hieronymus Bosch’s brain.. Just talk about creation and inspiration and their world views.

🌼 Describe one of your OC’s worst nightmares.

One of his loved ones dying because he was stupid enough to agree to be close to them, as secretly as they could, cause he should know better, his father has eyes and ears everywhere, how could he be so stupid and selfish. Alternatively his father finally giving up on converting Asher and trying to do the same to Gabriel, or Leo when he is older.

🌻 What advice would your OC give to their younger self? What advice does your OC need now?

Kill him NOW??? You will kill him eventually, just do it now. Safe Adam.  Right now, hm, probably something about sharing the burden. Talking to people, his family specifically, since they are involved some way or another anyways and might just be able to help, if only by having an open ear. But he’s a burned child, he is way way too scared of consequences to his actions now that he would want to take risks, even if they seem unlikely. Better safe than sorry.