#and paranoid that I missed something
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
OMFG some of y’all read SO fast 😱😱
#the way I’m already getting feedback 🥹🥹#I’m gonna wait to answer feedback obv bc spoilers!!#but pls don’t let that stop you… just like with poyt 4 I aim to answer everything in due time!!!#bro when I posted it my hands were shaking and I felt so nervous#and paranoid that I missed something
19 notes
·
View notes
Text
I want to eat with you again forever.
#comic#comics#original character#original characters#guro#horror#monster girl#monster girls#toxic yuri#yumi#mirai#kiwi characters#kiwi art#kiwi comics#selfharm//#blood#cannibalism#implied at least#unhealthy relationships?#idk if you have a tag for that lmk#anyways please read this#i spent too long on it#i tried my best#i keep editing things#i'm paranoid i missed something big lmao
372 notes
·
View notes
Text
I actually feel so sick to my stomach trying to decide between this Free People job and the one I currently have why does the current one have to pay so fucking well and Free People have to pay so fucking bad
#none of this is that deep they’re both temporary seasonal jobs as far as I’m concerned#but I’m so bored at the current job because I just have nothing in common w anyone who works there#the work days are very long and I’m a full time employee#this is my last holiday season in nyc and it’s kind of killing me a little that I’m spending it all day every day in this store#and again they pay SO WELL it’s sick I can do whatever I want within reason and not worry about what I’m spending#but I’m just not ENJOYING my life rn and I’m kinda not used to that#there’s so much this time of year in terms of Life Happening#and I’m destined to miss that by nature of this being full time and the long days#meanwhile Free People is a $7/ hour difference#($7/hour less I mean)#and also the diff between penny pinching for a while and not caring#but also I would have free time#and also it’s a great vibe#not that there’s anything even WRONG with the vibe at the current job it’s just#it’s just not doing anything FOR me and when I’ve got no free time that’s not excellent#and yeah it’s apparently very easy to get coverage if something comes up and I don’t wanna go in (friends hanging out and don’t wanna miss-#it etc)#and conversely also very easy to pick up hours if I want to work more#less set in stone you know#I’ll have TIME to figure my Etsy back out if I want I’ll have TIME to figure out wtf I’m doing with myself etc etc etc#but yeah between now and Christmas it’s literally like a $2000 difference so idk idk idk idk idk idk idk#oh also this is stupid but the place I currently work is so insanely busy and such an insanely small space#I am mildly concerned about Covid and my long COVID getting even WORSE etc. feels paranoid and dumb I guess but like idk#I had surgery on my fucking nose to fix long Covid and it’s still not fixed so it’s something I worry about#god if my fucking Etsy still existed it’d be a no brainer#I applied for these jobs to have something fun to do in my spare time#and now I can’t do the fun job I actually wanted#UGH UGH UGH
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
confused by the people going “polle represents jimmy’s fear of the company giving him consequences for assaulting anya” because like. why would the pony express give a shit when they’re a cartoonishly horrible company? do you think theyd take sexual abuse seriously when they enable it to happen in the first place via unlocked sleeping quarters? i got the impression that jimmy was more concerned about societal consequences and physical proof of his abuse and the expectation that he needs to take responsibility for it, than about the pony express taking action against him.
#like i get ppl wanting to be idealistic that someone would make jimmy face consequences but thats not the company#idk. its not a bad interpretation but im confused bc the game is about#misogyny and how men enable one another to abuse women in the workplace#part of that is an uncaring company that doesnt look out for its employees much less its abused female employees#idk tho maybe there’s something im missing#idk maybe ppl just mean that jimmy is paranoid that the express will gut hum#him#which is different from saying ‘’yeah thats absolutely what theyll do’’#but then again theyre aware the company is shit and jimmy is shown to be manipulative and knows to take advantage of curly sooooo idk#echoed voice#mouthwashing spoilers#rape mention
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
I love making jokes about shitty object permanence and being forgetful but it’s also genuinely so fucking annoying
#object permanence#shitpost#the other day I accidentally left a candle burning all day because I straight up forgot I lit it#I forget what I’m doing mid task if there’s more than one in a row#I forgot!!! to put the food I prepped away from lunch!!#it’s been sitting twice as long as is considered food safe!!!#and I have cibophobia!! that’s gonna fuck me up mentally!!!!#im constantly paranoid I’m missing or forgetting something#grrrrrrrrr#I dislike this
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
probably my most favorite take is that rhaegar suffered from the same “madness” as his father & brother, aka a family history of schizophrenia and my evidence is i know what someone on a delusions of grandeur bent looks like lmao, and someone becoming convinced that their bloodline is the key to saving the world, then getting fixated on someone else they love/admire as also being the key to saving the world, is like, textbook delusional. i’ve always thought rhaegar (and dany & viserys, by extension as the last dragons, inheriting the legacy from their older family members) was a great way of exploring that concept of “are you really crazy if they’re actually out to get you” bc these prophecies definitely exist! some magical portend IS out to get them but unfortunately all it did was make them absolutely crazy!
#fun story several years after his break my uncle got diagnosed with paranoid type schizophrenia & goes ‘i don’t think i’m that paranoid’ &#my mom and grandma just. stared at him. until he went ‘okay you don’t have to be rude!’ aksjdjd. he was hilarious i miss him.#i think rhaegar is often excluded from the idea of targ madness but. watching your father lose his mind & knowing the other adult in the#room HAS to be you no matter what bc no one else will do it they will just sit there and watch. that’s. so much to grow up under.#getting on my soap box#there’s something here in rhaegar & cersei both hearing horrible prophecies at young ages & it just completely breaking their psyche.#it’s so tragic that like. these two great hopes for normalcy in westeros are too far gone before they ever reach puberty. the madness of#knowing too much about your own future. the futility of it. too much for a child to cope with.#i can’t believe i made myself sad about rhaegar what’s my problem rn aksjsj
23 notes
·
View notes
Text
There are a lot of things that suck about JKR and Harry Potter in retrospect, but while everyone knows by now about the goblins being disgustingly weird Jewish stereotypes I don't think I've seen anyone else express is that when I was younger I found the alternative moral framework of goblins to be interesting and inspired me to think a lot more about "blue-and-orange morality". Now that kinna thing is something I'm really big on in both my own work and in the works of others, but it really sucks having that original inspiration soured by not only the general awfulness the franchise has come to exude, but also that element in particular being one of the most blatantly gross things about it since it boils down to "fantasy Jews be greedy, am I right?".
#I feel as though this reads like I'm virtue signaling as if to prove I don't hate Jews or something#after being asked to not say a particular word#but I really did just have this thought while thinking about HSH#and I've always been broadly melancholic about missing being a big Harry Potter fan#but this is one of those things where my NPD makes me catastrophize about how literally everything I say could be taken the wrong way#and my brain just invents the most convoluted possible ways I could be interpreted in bad faith#which is hard to talk about because I feel massively annoying even attempting to explain the paranoid delusions I obsessively entertain#harry potter
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
Went to the oddities and curiosities expo and I maybe almost passed out but it was worth it (lie) because I bought one singular wolf baculum. New prize possession. The baculum collection grows.
#I never realize how bone-rich I am until I go to an oddity shop or expo or something#guys you can just find this stuff on the ground if you go looking#unless you’re me right now and cannot in fact go looking. the illness. I may take this time to learn taxidermy#I miss the forest#I miss like… walking around places without my heart spiking upwards of 150bpm#the whole time I was paranoid as hell because oh god what if I stumble or fall or conk tf out onto one of these TIGHTLY PACKED SHELVES OF#OF EXPENSIVE FRAGILE ODDITIES. AND WET SPECIMENS AND FRAGILE SMALL BONES AND SORTED BASKETS AND hhdgdhdghdgdshdghsdghddghd#I survived though. sort of.#lite-venting in the tags feels akin to Jonathan Sims and his ‘Supplemental’ sections#funny post haha penis bone. supplemental. I’m losing my ability to do the thing I love most.
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
sometimes it's me and the 30k+ words worth of wincest scenarios I keep on my notes app against the world
#building up the courage to actually write the weechesters epic I've been slow cooking in my mind for months#but the thought of making mistakes (because english is not my first language) paralyzes me :(#I'd be sooooo paranoid I missed something that sounded silly because I couldn't notice anything wrong with it#I'd actually throw up#but I want to write it so bad :(((#god I'm so jealous of native english speakers I want to cry
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
sick of people acting like being alone/lonely = being single. ofc you're allowed to feel like that, I'm aro and could not care less that I don't have a partner so I have no idea what it feels like to have that experience, but god just once I'd like to find poetry and art made by people who know how it feels to have no friends and feel lonely no matter how many people are around you and know that you don't belong no matter where you are
#I'm lucky enough to have two good friends right now who i love very much#but that doesn't mean that they understand how i feel or how i have felt#and knowing you're alone in that overbearing loneliness just alienates you more and further perpetuates the feeling#i still miss out on so many opportunities to be friends with people i genuinely want to be friends with so bad because i can't talk to them#i still get so paranoid sometimes and stop replying to anyone because I'm convinced they hate me and there's something wrong with me#sometimes to the point where i avoid teachers who i need to talk to because i am sure that everything i say will be wrong#even someone being nice can feel awful because i think that they just feel bad or are pretending and actually trying to make fun of me#i know nobody actually knows who i am or how i feel because i hide everything to fit in with people and what they need/want#i have never felt like i belong anywhere and trying to explain that to people is so hard#there are times i love being alone but knowing that I've missed out on every regular human experience is so isolating#i just want to be normal and have friends i love and hang out with and talk to and not feel like every word i say could be the end of me#and when i try to find anybody who relates all i get is “oh im alone again :(( being single is awful”#i really do empathize with those people but it is nothing like my experience of loneliness#(tags are just for finding people who relate)#social anxiety#avpd#avoidant personality disorder#actuallyavpd#loneliness#chronic loneliness
34 notes
·
View notes
Text
late Carlo and Moretti (during vinci-moretti war) are like Luca and Clemente to me. Moretti will never raise his hand on Carlo but! will he drive him into guilt in ways that are not direct? insult him in passing? convince Carlo that he's doing everything wrong, when in fact it's the opposite? of course such a painful kick to Carlo's ego, it's unfair, he doesn't deserve it. and it's not a father-son relationship, it's a professional relationship and he can't say anything back & defense himself in any way maybe Moretti's more favorable to Eddie in this period because he's more blindly loyal and Carlo feels he's about to explode
#^ i wrote it before that hounds thing but its about all this anger was once love etc#carlo who is a capo who has done so many terrible things for this place watching how eddie gets bonus points for blind loyalty: 😐#and it's not even that he's a capo it's that carlo says the right things but moretti dismisses him every time#also ok😬😬😬my truth! is that eddie really was against killing moretti at first#and when he finally decides to support carlo well. is it just a change of master? (yes)#m2#moretti family#and!#as far as i understand Moretti's murder took place just a few days before his victory? fucked up thing#i mean. it just makes Carlo an even shitty man. he chose himself over the majority#(i can't think about any war theme on a physical level at this point so. i have only abstract thoughts on this)#but objectively: moretti family may have gained control of the vinci family's territory of influence etc#instead they got a young crazy don. and everyone was alright w it (?!makes me think for what reason)#which is why i think there's been something wrong with Moretti in his last yrs. he looks much older thank frank n leo#for now he's just an old man stubbornly clinging to power to me. but not to say that i worked on his character much#i think he became weaker hypochondriacal and paranoid towards the end. “i saw his hands trembling” carlo bout moretti etc#“akela missed his kill!” and the young wolves tore him apart#ewwwwwwwwwww no Carlo who sees Moretti growing weaker and instinctively his teeth are bared more and more ewww#kill the weak and old so the young can survive😬😬 (fucked up thing is that they aren't animals they would survive w moretti in charge)#spoiled hounds parallel makes things so much complicated tbh. but it feels right
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
on a scale of 1-10 how silly would it be to ask folks to pray that I find a piece of jewelery I lost. It's not particularly valuable monetarily but its very precious to me and Im afraid I lost it outside of the house. I cant find it anywhere it should be. It could be in the pocket of the either the pajama pants or outside pants I wore the last day I saw it (the 19th) or it could be buried under something in my old bedroom, or it could be at my friend's moms house or somewhere between here and there. Trying not to stress over it but its just become precious too me.
#Its just one of those shark bracelets from one of those scam ocean charity sites#But I have used it as a grounding tool to help me focus when I need to get my head on straight so its been through a lot with me#a replacement just wouldn't be the same either plus I don't want to give more money to scam charities than they already get#and writing this out is helping me calm down about it#as Im writing I realize that I tend to freak out a lot when I realize that something precious is missing and can't chill out until I find i#and thinking about it. I know exactly where that stems from#not something I ever considered before but a lot of things precious to me got burned when I was little#and at one point I repressed the memory and would search for things that got burned up for hours because I had no idea where they went#but yeah anyway Im gonna try to chill. It'll turn up Lord willing#Im just scared I lost it in my friends old house or somewhere between here and there and I'll never see it again#I do not like it when things like that disappear I do not like it at all#I just worry about all the possible places it could be lost forever in or where it could have gotten ruined#I also just have ADHD forgetfulness so I get paranoid I left it like in a walmart bathroom or something#I know I didn't but I have almost lost things that way before#Like even if it is just gone and lost forever I just want to know where it is#merkerler speaks#prayer request#bc I am spazzy about these things#need to be careful about it bc it mirror's some of my dad's OCD tendencies
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
i think my university fucking bit me wtf
#it started last semester or maybe even last year but they infected me with an anxiety that completely rewired my brain#i have general anxiety disorder & i’ve had the occasional ‘something bad is gonna happen’ day where im anxious the whole day for no reason#but then it changed to this like. academic anxiety that got so bad i was like. nauseous all the time throwing up i had to go to a counselor#and now i’m straight up paranoid. like idk maybe i’m not using the word right but i’m convinced every day all my worst fears are gonna—#just happen one after the other. my tumblr will be revealed to my family. my toxic ex will come back into my life—#my money for school is revoked things like that.#because adult life is just so confusing and convoluted and works against people#and my anxiety just goes through this loop of ‘everyone dislikes you/hates you/thinks you’re annoying’ so -> ‘you’re gonna get in trouble’#so -> ‘your life will be irreparably damaged and/or you will die’#the ‘you’re gonna get in trouble’ bit especially gets me because it’s like bitch how!! i follow laws!! i cheat a bit less than the average—#student! any time someone has a concern with like my work performance or something they politely tell me#why do i have the anxiety of a fucking hunted animal over these things!!#i wanna be numb actually i miss that time. it still sucks but at least i don’t make myself sick#things would be so much easier if i was a house spouse who cooked & cleaned (with no kids) & didn’t have a job or go to school#ofc managing a house has its own challenges and i don’t wanna undermine that but ykwim#i want this fuckin eye of sauron off my ass already 🧍#and don’t even get me started on the ‘you have to do this little task in this specific way or else everyone you love will die’ thoughts#that’s a whole other mess#tw vent#rose.txt
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
..
#what does it mean if you keep waking up with your heart racing painfully and you're shaking and panicked like every morning? :'(#even when you don't remember having a nightmare or a big upset right before falling asleep#and not even like something big and scary happening today :( i'm visiting friends i miss and im on speaking terms with all my loved ones :(#also feeling very fatigued and tired :( have i been having nightmares even on the nights i don't remember them?#i've been getting adequate lengths of sleep... is my body still thinking it's in crisis mode when i wake up? :(#i know probably nobody can help or knows the answer but i'll give it a shot anyway#also every single morning it takes an hour or two or three for specifically frankie to calm down and not be um :'(#like very angry and defensive and hurt and paranoid and stuff and it seems he always needs time and caffeine to help him calm down#and tobacco now too but i'm starting to get really worried about our health in general about all of this :'(#we've always had a really hard time eating any food before four hours after waking up is it something to do with that?#thank you for reading and listening to anyone who made it this far i don't want my headmate and i to experience morning scaries everyday :')#my post
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
♡
#Vent#I'm going to be honest#After the way I was treated last year it's hard to see people the same way#I love people but holy hell you just never know who it is in the room that may just take advantage of your trust and attempt to hurt you#You never know who's going to leave when you hit rock bottom#You never know who is so much worse than you ever wanted to believe they could be#I know that sometimes people think I'm a little paranoid#But fuck#When your life falls apart in almost every way possible piece by piece and everyone's true colors show and most of them aren't pretty#It is very hard to want to be close to people#It's very hard to look people in the face and not just see all the traits that may lead up to something terrible and silently pray#Please let me be overthinking this#I love these people and I don't want to get hurt again#I miss a lot of people but they treated me like trash and it's a hard tug a war in my heart sometimes
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
can that one fucker who keeps sending me asks abt how ableist I am for Not captioning, describing, transcribing, adding tone tags, and making it "colour accessible" to my last video post of jcp please fuck off
#i posted it#bc i was so paranoid i needed SOMETHING to do#it was for me#and you do not need to call me an ableist f*ggot in my asks#i am turning them off now goodbye#anyway im so tired i hate existing i hate people#like i am having severe mental health issues rn and you *know* that im sure so Stop It. you are intentionally setting off my ocd#and ik that bc you TOLD ME that you hope it sets my OCD off#anyway#i miss so many ppl rn but i cant talk to them its too hard#i hate being so#like this
6 notes
·
View notes