#and now back to shitposting and dicks lmao

[chrliekclly]

[partycatty]

now come on we ALLL know johnny didn’t go his whole career with being in at least ONE porno. right??

like and you know he put up his best effort but also minimum because your watching HIM have sex, he’s gonna look good wether he tries to or not.

it’s deep underground locked in a cellar of a nuclear base, trust you won’t be getting it anytime soon 🙏🙏

okay im just gonna shitpost w this ask LMAO hear me out

[ masterlist ]

could you imagine like finding out on wikipedia that your bf johnny fucking cage had a brief adult movie phase, like money was TIGHT TIGHT just like him fr when he first got into the hollywood game and he ended up doing a full blown porno once back in the day

and you come up to him like "babe is it true that-" and his face is already GHOSTLY white. he prayed you wouldn't scroll down that far to see that tidbit, but you were nosy and he had a long list of weird shit he did during his career.

johnny noticing you're holding your phone, about to search "johnny cage porno leak," the literal last thing he wanted you to do. he'd jump from his spot on the couch and fly for your phone, something he wouldn't do in any other circumstance.

"i thought i had my lawyers wipe that from existence," he'd mutter, pocketing your phone. "you're not seeing that video."

he was so incredibly serious and thought that showing his dick to the entire world when he was younger was quite literally the dumbest thing he'd ever done.

of course, you found it anyway in your spare time because curiosity killed the cat but cage dick brought it back. your hand flies to your mouth as you play the obscene video, locking eyes with him in horror when he walks into the bedroom.

"YOU DID GAY PORN!?"

"I TOLD YOU NOT TO LOOK!!"

[foxyarchive]

Your Guardian Angel(Or Devil) P3

You go on a date, and Adam can't resist being a dick about it. Set between chapters 1 & 2.

Cross Posted on AO3!

Warnings: Drinking, mild spice, brief dubious consent with Adam(nothing bad, promise).

Words: ~6k

Well found out I'm bad at writing stuff that's not plot LMAO like Reader and Adam shitposting. Wanna do more of it but it's hard for me to write... So probably plot either next chapter or next. Tried to prolong as long as I could soz.

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P1 | P2 | P3

You step out of the shower with a sigh, toweling off your body and drying your hair as best as you can for the time being. You had a few hours until you were going out, so you were going to take your time getting yourself looking nice and presentable. You wrap the towel around your body, bending over your sink to wash your face and brush your teeth. When you’ve finished that, you move to adjust your towel so it doesn’t fall, trying to decide what you want to use on your hair. 

“Weeeeelll, looks like I popped up at the right time.” You scream in shock, your hand fumbling as your towel drops and pools around your feet. You hear a whistle, and look over with a burning face as you see Adam standing just outside your bathroom door, biting his lip and wiggling his brows. 

“A-Adam! Fuck– S-Stop looking!” You crow, trying to cover your bits as best you can as you bend down to pick up your towel. He just laughs, pointing a finger at you as you try to remain a shred of modesty. Your face and body are unbearably warm right now in embarrassment. You can’t even look him in the eye. 

“Chillaaaax, sweet-tits, it’s nothing I haven’t seen before.” Comes his too haughty for your liking response. Somehow, you burn even more at that as you try to wrap your towel around yourself. 

“W-What? You’ve… Seen me naked before?” You tremble a bit, feeling a shiver run down your spine at the sudden admission to the lack of privacy. 

“Duh. I have this orb thing that lets me just look in on you whenever I want. I don’t really use it, though, don’t care enough to watch your boring ass life.” He says it so nonchalantly, you can’t help but to feel goosebumps raise over your skin. The look across your face must’ve caught his attention, as he just gives another wave of his hand and roll of his eyes as he turns away from you. “It’s a Guardian thing, don’t make it fuckin’ weird now. I mean, unless you wanna.” He looks back at you with a sly leer, raising his brows once again. 

“No!” You respond, almost immediately, appalled at the implication. One that an angel was making, no less! Wasn’t he supposed to be more… Virtuous? You do remember the last time you saw him, though… Implied he could really get away with whatever he wanted. There has to be certain boundaries that can’t be crossed, though. He just shrugs, turning away boredly. 

“Your loss, babes.” He makes his way into your bedroom, and you follow after him as you finish fixing your towel around yourself. 

“Isn’t lust a sin?” You can’t help but ask as he spreads out his wings and flops back onto your bed carelessly. 

“‘Isn’t lust a sin!?’” He mocks you in that stupid ass voice again, and you puff out your cheeks in annoyance. “I don’t sin. I’m fuckin’ Adam, in case you forgot. I’m perfect.” He grins, pointing at himself. He then proceeds to roll over to his side, propping his head up with a hand as his elbow rests on the bed. You just suppress a sigh, shifting from foot to foot awkwardly. Wait… He was here. Did that mean…?

“Was I about to die?” You suddenly gape, looking around the room, wondering what was going to happen. An earthquake? Maybe you use a blow dryer and you almost get electrocuted? Slipping and falling out of the shower, perhaps? You look back when he doesn’t respond at first, and you see the face he makes. 

“The fuck? No, what?” He frowns, and you mirror the confusion on your face. 

“But… That’s why you’re here… Right? You come around to prevent my death…?” You inquire, slowly, and a small look of realization passes across his features. 

“Oooh… Yeah, nah, I was just bored. Wanted to swing by, see how your shitty mortal life was going.” He declares, flopping onto his back once more, resting his hands on his stomach. His horns rest over the side of your bed. So does most of his body. He’s massive. 

“Are you allowed to do that?” You blink. He turns his head slightly towards you, exasperated. 

“‘Tits, we just went over this.” He deadpans. Oh. Right. He’s Adam. He can do… Whatever he wants, apparently. 

“Err. Okay, right, well…” You shift from side to side, somewhat nervous. Some droplets fall from your hair onto your shoulders and back, despite having tried to dry it off earlier. “Sorry to… Disappoint you? But I’m going out tonight, so I can’t… Hangout??” What do you even say? Did he want to hang out? Just say hello? What kind of weird relationship were you starting to build with your divine fucking angel? 

“Wow, finally doin’ something on a Friday night besides binging a shitty show, doing a game, or jilling off?” He remarks, sitting up now as your face heats up even more. 

“D-Don’t say that!” You groan, turning away as you cover your face with your hands at his crass words. He really does look in on you! You’re not proud about how you spend some of your weekend nights… You like to go hangout with your friends when you can, but everyone can get so busy. You hear him mockingly laugh, which only makes you heat up more in embarrassment. “For your information, I have a date tonight! So if you can just… Fly off or whatever so I can get ready, that would be great, thanks.” You snip over your shoulder, turning and walking back in the bathroom. 

You squeak in surprise as Adam suddenly appears in front of you, wings flared as he hunches over your smaller stature. “A date, huh? Really? You?” He sneers, and you scoff, anger flaring in your chest. 

“Yes, me! That’s rude. I’m attractive! And capable of dating. And holding conversations. I’m doing it with you right now!” You pause, briefly. “The conversation part, I mean.” He hums, giving a small nod of his head, crossing his arms as he tucks his wings back against his side. 

“Uh-huh, suuuure. And you don’t want me to go with you?” He rubs his chin, and you squint at him. 

“What are you getting at? Why would I want you to come with? So you can distract me?” You roll your eyes, inching passed him to go and gather some makeup to put on. 

“Babes, if you’re that distracted by me, maybe it’s best to not go out with some other bozo while you’re thinkin’ about me. After all, I am right here.” He grins, slinging an arm across your shoulder. You stiffen at the contact, swallowing nervously as he dips his face close to yours. Why did your Guardian Angel have to be so horny? Looking at the size of him as well, even if you both did end up tangled in bed, you’re not even certain it’d fit… “Thinkin’ about this dick? Don’t blame you.” He lightly grips your chin with the arm around your shoulder, pushing it to look towards him. He cranes his head closer to you. You’re horrified he caught on to your train of thought. “Don’t worry, it’ll feel fucking great. I’ll make sure that pretty little pus–” 

“No, no, stop!” As he begins to ramble, you suddenly pull yourself away from him, breathing more rapid. To your relief, he just looks irritated, but he doesn’t pressure you or crowd you again. He pulls back, even seeming to flatten his wings a little more against his side to make himself appear less large. “I’m not– You’re not– This is… Inappropriate! I’m like… Your client, or whatever!” You grimace at the wording, even if it’s true. Adam just rolls his eyes and crosses his arms. 

“I fuckin’ told you, it doesn’t matter. We can do whatever the fuck we want.” He pauses. “Almost anything. Fucking is on the list, though.” He confirms with a nod. You just groan, putting your head in your hands. 

“I… I don’t… I mean… How could you even want to fuck me?” You can’t help but ask, as you consider this more and more.

“Uuuh. Because you’re hot and got a rockin’ bod?” He lifts a brow. Well, guess that’s some sort of an ego boost for you… or is it? Adam seems like the kinda guy to stick his dick in anyone with a pulse that throws mild attention his way, really. Maybe you should take that comment with a grain of salt, then…

“No, I mean– You’ve watched me my whole life. Don’t you feel some sort of… I don’t know… Protective, parental kinship for me?” You can’t help but ask, grimacing a bit at the thought. You don’t know whether to feel angry or embarrassed as he starts laughing at you, full blown, even hunching over a bit. “Why are you– That’s not funny!” You stutter out. It’s anger you feel, alright. He straightens up some, trying to calm down, wiping a tear from his eye. 

“Oooh. Oh, that’s fuckin’ hilarious, ‘tits. Really, super funny.” He wheezes, an easy grin crossing his features as he puts his hands on his hips. “Nice try, but ah, no. You’re right, in a sense. You’re basically just my nuisance client.” He pauses, tapping his chin. “Mm… Maybe more like a pet.” He mumbles in thought, and you feel another flare of anger. 

“A– A pet!?” You cry in outrage. 

“Yeah! But like, a fuckable one. Shit, wait no, that sounds fucking weird, back that up–” He puts his hands up, and you decide to bite your tongue as you resist the urge to go and pluck his wings. “Uuugh, why are you making me describe this shit! Look.” He finally breathes in, clasping his hands together as he takes a step towards you. You shift a half step back, and he stops, but continues talking. “To me, you’re just this lady I gotta look after. Like I said, I didn’t really actually watch you. Checked occasionally because Sera was on my dick about it, but that’s whatever. You’re like, what, thirty something now, though?”

“I’m–” You begin to offer him your correct age, but he just waves you off. 

“Whatever, you’re old.” You huff at his comment. “You’re an adult, you can make your own fuckin’ choices, yada yada. All I'm saying is: Original dickmaster, right here.” He grins, pointing to himself. You remain silent, still eyeing him, face still slightly scrunched up. Even if you both were two consenting adults(with him falling more along the lines of… primordial demi-God way older than you), you're not losing sight of what you have in mind tonight. Especially not for Adam, who has been quite callous with you. You're not even sure he actually likes you. 

“Okay, well… Thanks for all the clarification. I guess.” You utter the last part under your breath, turning away from him. “Still going out with my date tonight. Still would like it if you weren't there.” You then declare, moving past him once more to go and get ready, and you just hear a scoff leave his throat. 

“You sure ‘bout that? Hear men on Earth are pretty shitty. What if he tries to… I dunno, kill you or something?” He states, and you can see the squint he’s eyeing you with through your mirror. 

“Then you’ll protect me? Like you’re supposed to?” You can’t help but to bite out in response, growing tired of this. Adam hisses out a slow, quiet breath through his teeth, clicking his tongue. 

“I dunno about that… I mean, what if it’s your time? What if this is where you meet your fate? At the hands of some dude you think is cool?” The seed he sows in your head makes you pause at what you’re doing. He did say that he knew when you were going to die, but… He’s just fucking with you. He has to be. 

“Okay, well, even if this was where I was going to die, then who cares? It’s fate, right? You can’t interfere with that.” You roll your eyes, trying to quell the now uncertain flutter in your stomach. He walks forward once more, hovering right behind you as he cranes his neck down slightly to peer at you. You don’t turn around to meet him, only eye him uncertainly through the mirror. 

“Don’t you remember who I am?” He utters to you, quietly, and that makes you pause. There’s no shot he can circumvent your death… Right? Besides, he was just bluffing. You were going to be fine tonight. He backs off, though, abrupt and with a nonchalant shrug of his shoulders. “Just saying. Lotta stuff can happen.” Then he disperses in a flitter of gold. You’ve never felt more uncertain in your life. You assume he’s just trying to get your goat, but the anxiety in you is beginning to try and spin a tale otherwise. You look ahead, just focusing on getting ready. 

The rest of the time you doll yourself up, it’s blissfully quiet, which acts as both a blessing and a curse. You can just focus on the night ahead, but it also lets you mull over your thoughts about what Adam said. He’s just fucking with me. He’s not serious about it. Why is he even saying stuff like that? You ponder as you finally get into your car, heading towards the bar you were supposed to be meeting your date. You park, check yourself in the mirror, and head inside. There you spot your date, sitting at the bartop, and all you can think of currently is thank God you didn’t get catfished. 

“Hey! Ryan, right?” You smile as you approach, and he looks at you, offering a smile in return. He inquires your name, and you nod, unto which he shakes your hand when you hold it out. Well, it starts as a handshake, and turns into a somewhat unprompted hug, which you gingerly return before you sit next to him. 

“It’s great to meet you in person! You look lovely.” He compliments, and you offer a bashful smile, returning a compliment yourself. After you both decide on what to drink and order, he faces back towards you. You both begin to divulge the basics of one another– What you do for work, what hobbies you have, some places you’ve visited before. It’s going fine, and he’s awfully nice, but you can’t help but to feel… A little bored. Any spark you had felt over texting him through the app you’d met him in is slowly beginning to drain. You have a few things in common, but not much, and you can’t help but to feel a little worn down with the conversation. It certainly doesn’t help that you’ve ordered another drink as well. Why the Hell did you do that?

As you’re beginning to feel your eyes glaze over when he talks about a very… Uninteresting work trip he had in a rather monotonous way, something catches your attention. It’s out of the corner of your eye. A flicker of gold. You glance over, seeing nothing of the sort, and shift a bit to draw your attention back to Ryan. Suddenly, your date flinches a bit, and you frown, sitting up. “Are you okay?” You ask, and he rubs the side of his head, glancing around. You look down, noticing a partially discarded peanut shell next to his barstool. 

“Yeah, sorry, I… I thought I felt something.” He frowns, looking back at you, giving a sheepish smile. “Guess it was nothing. Anyways, as I was saying, we arrived at this studio where–” You see the peanut shell coming this time, smacking Ryan square in the ear. He looks behind him, and slowly, you do as well. Your eyes stretch wide in mortification. You see Adam, sitting at an empty table, a smirk on his face with an array of used peanut shells on the table. Someone had just left, and looks like he decided to sit there and bug your date. For a moment, a flicker off worry runs through you. Can Ryan see him? You crane your neck over a bit, but by the look of stark confusion on his features, it’s clear that he can’t. “Did– Did you see anyone throw something at me?” He frowns, and you bite the inside of your cheek. You can see Adam’s grin widen. 

“No.” You respond, because truthfully, you didn’t actually see Adam do it. You’re sure it’s him, though… Ryan just rubs the back of his neck, giving you a sheepish look. 

“I swear, I keep feeling something pelting me… I guess it just must be my imagination.” He murmurs, and your eyes shift past him. You see Adam lining up another shell, biting his tongue in concentration. You give him a warning glare as best as you can without making it seem like you’re pointing your stare towards Ryan, but either Adam doesn’t catch onto it or doesn’t care. He flicks his middle finger, and the shell goes flying, thunking Ryan right on the back of his head. This time, Ryan stands up, flustered as he looks around to try and catch the culprit. You dig your nails into your palms as Adam begins to laugh, pointing at your date as he leans back in the chair. 

“Ahah– You should– You should see his face. He’s so pissed. And confused. Not– Not sure which he’s more of.” He cackles. You try your best– You really, really do. You want to be upset with Adam interrupting things, but you can’t help giving a snort of laughter. You then cover your mouth, trying to stifle it as best as you can as Ryan’s head swivels around to catch the culprit. 

“Are– Are you okay, Ryan?” You try not to wheeze or show that much of a smile as he huffs out, clenching and unclenching his fists. 

“No– I mean, yes, I just– There is somebody here who is pelting me with… With something.” He finally looks at the ground, near him, seeing the shells. “With peanuts, I suppose… I can’t find out who.” You feel guilty, now, as you see the embarrassed look across his features. Even more guilty that you have to pretend like he’s crazy. Is this gaslighting?

“Are you sure? I haven’t seen anyone doing anything.” You finally say. You don’t feel good about it, but what can you do? Tell him your primordial guardian angel that acts like a twelve year old is flicking used peanut shells at him? 

“Yes, I’m sure! I think I am, at least.” He’s looking more and more uncertain now, sheepishly sitting back down. You offer him a comforting pat on his hand as he takes a sip of his drink, trying not to draw your eyes away from him as Adam comes over. 

“This dude is soooo boring. Why don’t you fuckin’ leave already?” He scoffs, crossing his arms as he glowers down at Ryan. You stiffen as you see someone walking in the path of Adam, but to your slight surprise(and relief), the person walks right through him. Adam’s body shimmers and ripples a bit as it happens, but it doesn’t seem to disturb him at all. For obvious reasons, you can’t respond, especially as Ryan speaks back up. 

“I’m sorry, maybe I’m just… Being paranoid. I’m a little nervous, sorry, but the date has been wonderful so far! You’re really interesting, I’m so glad I got to come out here with you.” He admits, smiling a bit bashfully, and you can’t help but to smile at the rather sweet admission as well. You feel your cheeks warm. You see Adam faux gag himself with a finger, and you suppress the urge to snip something to him. 

“I’m glad we got to do this, too.” You respond back to Ryan. Well, even if you didn’t really click, it was still nice to get out and get a drink. Speaking of… Maybe you should finish your second one a little faster. A flicker of guilt passes through you. Perhaps… You could make a bit more of an effort. Ask additional questions about his trip, engage more where you can. “What, uh… Made you want to work as an interior designer? Family, or just something personal?” You decide on, because that can always be interesting. Ryan seems to perk up at the question. 

“My grandmother was one, actually! I didn’t realize how much I liked it until I went with her one day when I was younger to work in an emergency.” He chuckles. “I got to see how she worked, who she worked with, and how she would put some things together.” 

“Ask him if he’s sure he’s actually interested in women.” Adam pipes up, moving to stand beside you, and you grit your jaw at his comment. That almost makes you snap out and snarl at him, but you try not to as Ryan continues to go on about the experience, as well as what pushed him further towards it. “Fucking– This guy is so boring. It’s boring me and I don’t even have to pretend to be listening.” He groans out, tilting his head back. 

Why doesn’t he just leave? You can’t help but to think in irritation. Adam isn’t bound here. Unless… Something is going to happen, but you don’t get that feeling. You watch as your Guardian moves to stand beside your date, now, making a talking motion with his hand while he mimics something similar to ‘blah, blah, blah’ with his mouth. Trying to stifle a noise of anger, you quickly slam down your drink with a sigh, just as Ryan finishes his story. He can see the force you put your drink down with, and he blinks. 

“Are you alright?” He inquires, and you sigh out, giving him a smile. Adam is really grinding your gears. Your head is just a bit fuzzy thanks to the drinks. You can think clearly enough, but you also feel on the edge enough to spite Adam with all of his comments tonight. 

“Yeah, fine. Sorry. Getting a bit loud in here is all. Wanna head back to my place?” You find yourself asking, quirking a brow. 

“Are you fucking kidding me!” It’s more of an exclamation than a question Adam shoots out, and you suppress a smirk, opting for the smile on your face. Ryan seems a little taken aback, a faint pink dusting his cheeks. 

“I got some streaming services, if that’s to your fancy.” You add in. Ryan was boring, sure. You thought that, but hearing Adam say it and egg you on to leave just pushed you to do this. Plus, Ryan was really attractive. Like, totally your type. 

“O-Oh. Yeah, sure, okay.” He smiles, bashful again, how sweet. He finishes his own drink, pays, and the two of you head out. You can see Adam standing in the background, irritation written all over his features, and you can’t help but to sneak a look back at him and stick out your tongue. He just flips you off before he disappears. You tell Ryan to follow you as you get into your car, and he gets into his, and you lead him back to your apartment. It’s quiet when you both walk in, and Adam isn’t even around anymore. Suddenly, you’re a bit irritated he didn’t stick around. You were supposed to be rubbing this in his face… Or something! Maybe not. You wanted him to leave, wanted to spite him, and clearly you did enough to make him piss off. 

You’re… Almost a little sad, now. How awful of you. 

“Sorry, uh… Don’t have a lot of people over. Or room in here.” You admit, as you motion to only the beanbag. It’s giant, sure, but it’s not a couch. “I could grab a chair from the nook, though, if you prefer.”

“No, no, this is fine! I really like it.” Ryan laughs a bit, taking a seat on one end of the beanbag, and you do the same. You flick on the television, and open up a streaming service. You both look through it, trying to decide what to watch, and finally decide on some documentary(courtesy of Ryan choosing it). You settle in, beginning to watch, and you’re just waiting for Adam to pop up at any moment. Nothing. You tap your finger on your arm. It’s quiet. A bit awkward. Ryan is fidgeting a bit, and so are you, and you suddenly wonder how this is going to go. He has the same idea, as he’s stealing glances at you occasionally. 

Well. Fine, then. You didn’t invite Ryan over because he was a good conversationalist. You inch closer to him, and he does to you as well. His arm moves around your back, and you lean closer, gingerly resting your head on his shoulder. A few more minutes like that before he starts to rub his hand up and down your back. You play with the buttons on his top, undoing one deftly. He glances down at you, and you peer up at him, smiling somewhat shyly as he offers back a similar look. He’s the first to lean in, but you’re the first to meet him in a kiss. It begins chaste, even if both of your hands don’t remain so much, before it begins to progress further. 

You sit up a bit more, slinging one leg between his own, stradling one of them now. You feel him lift his leg up a bit, and you can’t suppress the small groan that leaves your lips as you feel rub right up against your crotch. He gives a receptive groan and roll of his leg as you grind against him, bringing one hand to run through his hair, tugging on it. His palms slide down your back and sides, before one comes to grope your ass, and the other briefly fondles your breast, before he tugs on the hem of your shirt. You oblige, popping open another one for his own shirt, and he gets the message. You both briefly split from the kiss to remove your shirts, before diving back in with more fervor. 

As you grind yourself on his leg, you allow one of your hands to travel down and palm him through his pants, able to feel how he’s straining already. For a moment, you both break the kiss for air, and he takes the time to tilt your head to the side, trailing sloppy kisses down your neck and collarbone as he works his hands on the back to unclasp your bra. You pant against him, head tilted, eyes half lidded, before you catch sight of something out of the corner of your eye. You gasp in shock just as your bra comes off, recoiling in fear as you see Adam standing off to the side. To your credit, he looks completely unimpressed, arms crossed, eyebrow raised as he watches the scene. 

Ryan pauses, thinking you were startled by what he was doing. He looks flustered, gaze heavy with lust and confusion. “Sorry! I thought we were… Going to…” He begins, trailing off, and you look back at him, feeling flustered yourself. 

“Yeah! Sorry, I thought… I saw something…” You begin to apologize, and you hear Adam blow a raspberry and give a thumbs down. 

“C’mon, it was just gonna get good! Thought you wanted to fuck him, ‘tits. That’s why you invited him over, right?” He sneers, walking over now, looming over the two of you. You can’t help but to stare up at him, eyes wide, body incredibly warm in both arousal and embarrassment. It looks strange to Ryan, obviously, and he draws you back to him with a hand slowly creeping up your back. “Are… Are you okay?” He asks, quietly, tentatively. 

“Y-Yes, I’m…” You taper off, unsure what to say. Adam shifts to stand behind you, putting a hand on your neck, slowly pushing your body closer to Ryan. 

“Well, go on. Fuck him. You wanted to, right?” He hisses out, and you find yourself trembling. Why is… Why is Adam doing this? Why is he egging you on, when it sounds like he doesn’t actually want you to be doing this? Is this a test? Your trembling doesn’t stop, and that’s finally when Ryan grimaces a bit, pushing you back. Adam doesn’t force you forward anymore, letting you go as your date sits up. 

“We don’t have to do this. It’s fine. It’s, um… A bit late, anyways, I should probably… Head out…” He clears his throat, rubbing the back of his neck as he takes his hands away from you. You let out a breath, giving a small, spaced out nod as you shakily roll to the side. Ryan grabs his shirt, deftly slipping it back on and buttoning it up. All you can do is sit and watch, feeling Adam squinting at you out of the corner of your eye. Ryan gets to his feet, finally, clearing his throat once more as he looks down at you. “It was… Nice to meet you.” He winces, rubbing the back of his neck, and all you can do is purse your lips and nod in response. He takes that as his queue to leave, awkwardly turning and shuffling out to the door. 

“...Drive safe.” You balk, weakly, after him as the door shuts behind him. You’re still topless, arms covering your breasts, and once he’s gone, you hear Adam sigh out. 

“FINALLY. Holy shit he was soooo boring. Can’t believe you were trying to prove some point by inviting him over.” The angel huffs, plopping down next to you on the beanbag as you grab the remote. You just sit there, frozen, unsure of what to do or say. You feel as awkward as Ryan felt earlier as he begins to flip through channels. “I mean, not like that guy would’ve actually gotten you off I bet.” He laughs, flaring a wing out to slap you with it. You sputter lightly, shifting forward as you feel the soft feathers against your back. “Be a babe and get me some chips, will ya?” Numbly, you just stand up, still trying to process everything that’s happening. You still feel flustered. The inside of your underwear are slick, a true testament to how long it’s been since you’ve fooled around with someone else. 

For a moment, you just stare down at Adam. He glances up at you, looking bored, and then irritated. He opens his mouth to say something, but you finally find your voice. “What– Why– Why did you do that? Interrupt us? Do you know how… How inappropriate that was!?” Now that the shock and embarrassment is wearing off, you finally feel anger broiling to the surface. You wave your hands about somewhat for emphasis. “You could have just interfered with something big for me! What if him and I were like… Fate, or something!? He could’ve been the love of my life! I’ll never know what could’ve been, now, because you popped up and were fucking weird!” You’re flushed again, baring your teeth in anger. What infuriates you even more is that, even though Adam’s eyes don’t have pupils, you can very clearly tell that he’s staring at your boobs. Right, you’re still shirtless. 

“Adam!!” You shriek in frustration, grabbing your shirt and throwing it at his face. It’s his turn to sputter out, grabbing the garment as you snatch up your bra and begin to storm away, starting to put it back on. 

“Chill, bitch, I’m listening! Why the fuck you getting so uppity for?” He snaps out, and you hear him get up too. Well, you hear the beanbag shift slightly, and you don’t even hear him as he seems to glide effortlessly over to you, grabbing your arm and flipping you around to face him. At this point, your bra is back on, but his eyes are actually on your face this time. “I literally helped you!” 

“Helped me!?” You blanch, incredulous at his claim. “How the fuck did cockblocking me help me!? Everything was consensual!” He just sneers at this, poking a finger into your chest. 

“Because you didn’t actually want it. You were just trying to prove a point, weren’t you?” He snips back, and your mouth opens. Goddammit, he’s right… Partially. You had just done it as a ‘fuck you’ to him, with how rude and openly he was complaining about Ryan, but… He was also hot, and it was just a casual fling. What was so bad about that? “Oh, come on, don’t tell me that walking snooze-fest actually was a turn on for you.” He scoffs, and you just shut your mouth. You feel your cheeks burning, and look away, feeling too embarrassed to have this discussion. 

“W-We’re not talking about this!” You finally stutter out, and he makes an incredulous noise as you turn to leave. He just grips your arm again, though, pulling you back towards him. 

“No. Fucking. Chance.” He grits his teeth, hand reaching down to pop the button on your jeans. You squeal out, trying to writhe out of his grasp, but stop with a gasp as you feel his fingers push right past your panties and slide between your folds. A squeak leaves you, thankfully, instead of a moan that wants to come out. You’re still aching, afterall, even after getting upset with this whole ordeal. Adam brings his fingers out, looking over the slick that thickly covers his gloves, and a sneer appears on his face. “Un-fucking-believable that guy got you this worked up.” He snips, glaring at you and your flustered features. That sneer quickly winds into a smirk, though, as he brings his fingers up to his mouth. 

“Don’t–” You try to take control, but can only bite your lip as you watch his golden tongue poke out and drag the two digits covered in your slick down it, before he sucks on them. “Oh my God!” You whine, finally pulling yourself free as you turn away, hands covering your face. 

“Good girls don’t go to Heaven when they use the Father’s name in vain.” His hands are on your shoulders, his head craning near your neck. You feel his breath hot on you, and a shudder runs down your spine as you try to suppress whatever primal urge is inside of you that wants you to turn around and beg Adam to shove his fingers back down your pants again. 

“I– I’m going to bed– Alone!” You finally manage to work out of your mouth, shrugging away from him, rubbing your arms as you try to stem the heat flaring through your body. He doesn’t give follow, and just scoffs once more. 

“Really? You just gonna go to sleep blueballed?” You hear him huff. “Dickmaster right here, remember!”

“Fuck you!” You snarl back, the events of tonight playing out in your mind once more, making you terse and aggravated. You turn around once you’re in your room, ready to slam the door, and he’s just standing there, eyebrow raised, arms crossed. 

“Yeah, sure, I’m right here.” He grins, and you snarl in frustration, slamming the door. “Your loss, bitch! Have fun with your hand!” You hear him bark, and you can only assume he’s gone, as you don’t hear anything else outside your room. With a groan, you walk over to your bed, flopping onto it. You rub your hands across your face, grimacing as you see some of your makeup come off in the process. Tonight had been a clusterfuck, to say the least, and you feel on the verge of tears from it all. Part of you wants to cry, but you do your best to suppress the urge, biting the inside of your cheek. 

“‘Have fun with your hand’.” You find yourself scoffing out his words, glaring up at the ceiling, before you promptly flick it off. “Fuck you, pervy asshole. Bet you would like me to do that so you can watch like some fucking weirdo.” You don’t even know if he can hear you, but you can only hope so. Or maybe not. How desperate are you to get a jab in, after all? You just groan out, getting up. You clean the makeup off your face, and change into night clothes as you crawl back into bed. The first thing you do is go to the app you met Ryan on and unmatch, because you are far too embarrassed about this situation to want to see him again. 

…And, Adam was right. Ryan was really boring.

[ev-arrested]

Speed Racer AU

(Eventual spoilers for a movie from 2008 ig)

I bring a treat, a concept I mentioned a while back as a sort of shitpost that now won't leave my brain during finals week of all things, so here. Meet the Rex Racer counterpart Dick Grayson!

(A program note: while Tim doesn't own the concept of a Robin-themed car, he does own the Redbird. However, for the sake of this AU, you're not gonna catch Dick driving the damn Robinmobile lmao. Thus, the Redbird here was originally Dick's car)

Stay tuned for a Racer X Dick Grayson and a Speed Racer Tim!

[anyablackwood]

WIP Questionnaire Tag

Thanks for the tag, @mysticstarlightduck! I'll use Traveling Bards for this, as is the current trend for me.

1. What’s the first part of your WIP that you created?

The outline? That's usually how I start. If you mean of the actual story, then chapter 1. If you mean the concept itself, the characters.

2. If your story was a TV show, what would the theme song/intro be?

Best I can find is Passerine by The Oh Hellos (the artists who made Solider, Poet, King). I'd love to find a more comedic/energetic song, though.

3. What are your favorite characters that you made? Why?

Within this story? The MCs, lol. Especially Felix, my beloved son! I'm not gonna lie, the sisters are inspired by some IRL people that I love very much. But even without that, they're just so fun! This is my first "simple"/comedy story, so there's less of a focus on prose or "depth" and more on me just dicking around with these guys, so I'm really having a blast with them. Their characters are the most unhinged I've written so far, though I hope to change that soon.

Felix isn't inspired by an IRL person, but he's kind of shameless wish-fulfillment. Traveling Bards initially began as a parody of a very specific genre of anime, so he's essentially what I wish would happen/what I love to see for characters with his archetype.

For the favorites of all time? Can't choose, honestly. Love all of them!

4. What other pieces of media do you think your fanbase would share?

Memes. Or, I'd hope so. If it ever got adapted, I'd love a compilation video or funny edits. Regardless? Endless shitposts, sprinkled with random and unwarranted brainrot thesis-long thinkpieces on elements of my characters and world-building that I never even considered when writing it that ultimately change the way even I view my characters. I'd love a good Tumblr essay from someone being Totally Normal about one of my funky little guys.

5. What has been your biggest struggle with your WIP?

Actually writing it! Lmao. For the 3 people that have seen my writing logs, you'd know I had to recently overhaul the entire initial arc as well as the 3 chapters I already wrote! Though I guess plot points would also be part of that struggle.

6. Are there any animals in your story? Talk about them!

All kinds! Anything from normal animals to classic fantasy ones to ones I personally made up! My favorite out of all of them are the dragons. Because dragons are fucking awesome. My second favorite are the ones I made myself.

One of the first ones I introduce is the "crystal frog" which is this really cute frog that's quite literally translucent- kind of like the glass frog, but even more translucent! And light refracts off of it like a crystal!

7. How do your characters travel/get around?

Carriage/horse most often at first, then eventually via ship, then flying (with magic or on a magic creature). So. Basically anything but a plane or car.

8. What part of your WIP are you working on right now?

Actually writing it! I'm currently only a few chapters in on my first rough draft. My goal is to create the entire rough draft with as few edits as possible and then to go back and revise the whole thing, since that'll be easier for me than trying to make each chapter "perfect" before I move on.

9. What aspects (tropes, maybe?) You think will draw your audience in?

I guess for those that are more familiar with this genre, it'll be that. Isekais/reincarnation/transmigration/portal fantasy/whatever you want to call it. It's also got found family and friendship (kinda spoiler-y, but there's a sibling adoption involved!). Lots of "be gay, do crime" instances too.

It's also primarily an adventure-comedy, with a kinda parody-angle to it. They're intentionally gunning for these classic Hero Adventure experiences, in a bucket-list kind of way. Also, they're bards (for lack of a more accurate and snappy term) in a fantasy setting. So if you like a heavy emphasis on a sibling bond and ridiculous people getting into ridiculous situations of their own making, I'm hoping this will be appealing!

10. What are your hopes for your WIP?

That it gets finished, LMAO. My goal is to complete the rough draft by the end of summer, so that I can spend fall and winter revising, rewriting, editing, etc. I eventually hope (like most writers) to one day publish it. But let's not get ahead of ourselves! I can't get there if I don't even finish it.

Not sure who to tag, so I'll come back to it later.

[untraceable-ace]

Almost 2 hours late to the live react shitpost party bc I was dying my hair while watching it when it started but anyways

Under the cut bc it both contains spoilers for the m9 reunion p2 and also because it’s really fucking long lmao

They’re kicking these guys asses holy shit

wtf is going on with Kingsley btw like pardon?????

See my question is if Ukotoa is in the process of being released while they’re fighting or if he’s still locked away rn bc like

If he’s not in the process of being released waIT

NVM HE’S OUT

IN THE TEMPLE???

Oh god creepy snakes moving in tandem i love snakes but not like this

Run boy run byeeee

NO

NOONONONO

YEAH NO SHIT THATS NOT RIGHT???

fshshshsh the giant just knocked over in the center of the set is so funny to me

fr hes just

there

Oh wait worm???

Not Ukoatoa??

Caleb my god you are a noodly wizard why would you try to intimidate a betrayer god

LMAO A 17???

“That’s me” jester my beloved

Cmon cmon NO

eight whyyy

Uh ohhhh

HAHAHAHA WARLOCK PACT

Which one which one

Is he just flexing w that ring of telepathy or did that have a purpose

Oh Jester <3

KINGSLEY???

“You just got this body” LMAO

First an accidental pact with an ancient evil sea deity then a pledge to essentially mother nature and now a betrayer god woooooh

Creepy

Wait this guy hates Melora does that mean Fjord can’t connect with her anymore?

LMAO the face

Oh not another cursed sword

i think its a cursed sword

maybe

Them putting up his stat card has me concerned uh oh

LMAO “thanks I hate it”

Ooooh a rapier fancy

its official I love Kingsley

AUGH GOOD BANTER

THE SNAKES

“Martial our forces” HMMM??

Darktow who is in darktow hold up

OHHH RIGHT plank king

Cant go back there

Fantasy DMs jfeoghehgaio;ewhaoge

syphilis gang

DAMN that was one efficient sending

You can just hear the agony in his voice ijodfsihjogiho

If anyone’s a glorified librarian its caleb idk what you mean beau

Charcuterie board

Mamas house has more tiddies followed by “That’s a good point” is fueling me

Winds in the east

mist comin in

something is brewin

about to begin

“I know all languages” jfc how many do you know now????

Im still wondering about that monkey yall what was that about

my original thought was that it was Artagan but it was so antagonistic idk

“We were probably a huge pain in your ass like a year ago” yeah sounds about accurate to what I know

I like her too jester she’s fun

risk esseks life cmon cmon cmon I NEED TO HEAR HIS VOICE AAUUUAUUGH

HES LEAVING PLS BE CONTACTING

damn wrong elf

fshshshsh hermit elf

WOW thats a lot of potions

break to wash out hair dye hold up

before i leave

haha charcuterie board

ok now brb

Okay hair’s done back to reacting

“Okay so you don’t blow yourself up” mood

Wtf is that rod??? Bc we all know he probably wouldve made it amber if he could

Fuckin dope move though omg

EIGHTY ONE????

GOD DAMN

OOOH OH I KNOW WHERE THIS GOES

GET HIS EYESSSSSSS

dainty sip of sherry in the midle of abttle from a flask i love it

holy noises followed by the camera panning to a glowing silouette of a dick on the floor

THREE DRAGONS?????

i mean ik two are illusions but DAMN

Dude I’m not sure Kingsley’s had one bad move this entire two-shot like wtf

soooo AC is 21? I think?

wait do different parts have different ACs?

HAHAHA YES EYEBALL WEAKNESS

Stab the eye, stab the eye, stab the eye, stab the e-

Gently give a slice to an eyeball muah

so eyeball AC is 27> (or equal to 27)

There has been an assault, far as i can tell sam is being a shit again

New tatoo?? Chainbreaker

Fancy

Ohoho oh nvm rip yasha’s dope ass thunderclap

won wound

Ooooh the big bad demigod can be frightened damn

DUNAMANCYYYYY

aw damn rip spell

new form who dis

Half of this live react is just me repeating one liners i found particularly funny oops

Oh nvm?? Dunamancy spell lives????

Nvm

Well ok its alive just half damage

Boy Veth I would love to see you try

“I can dodge gravity” can you????

HOLY FUCKING SHIT CHARACTER GROWTH INDEED

THAT WAS SO FUCKING COOL

Rip Beau taken out of the game bc piss

OKAY RIP BEAU FR???

FUCKING LEGENDARY HDYWTDT

GET FLUFFERNUTTERED BITCH

RIP FJORD SENT OFF INTO SPACE MY GOD

OH

OHOHOHOHOH

CMON CMON CMON SEAL HIM AWAY DO IT DO IT

OooUuUhfhdbdjfe I love the lighting change for going under water

Cmon pls pls pls work seal that bitch away

WHAT

OHOHO

FUCK YEAH MATE

Uh oh my boys gonna get the bends good call w the far step tbh

Actually bad call that’s too fast a pressure difference

Ayo Travis w the accurate bends rep

Ugh I love Caleb’s level 17 art sm

Well damn Melora!!!! Queen shit tbh

I hope “keep that just for me” means he swallowed it again

LMFAO MATTS FACE

Dicks and Other Things

The Molly Look™️

Promptly steal I love him

DAMN Kingsley’s on some king shit

Literally

ORPHAN TAKER IM SOBBING

WAUUAUAUGHFHFB CMON CMON

HIS BOICE I GOT TO HEAR HIS VOICE SJRJQIFUJEHE

THEY GOT THEIR SHIT TOGETHER SO QUICK????? SIX MONTHS??????????

CRYING SOBBING LOSING MY MIND

That was so fucking good oh my god

stimmed so hard at the end that my limbs started to actually cramp lmao

[the-iron-orchid]

I always try to answer asks in good faith, despite tumblr being the known Bad Faith Capital of the World, because:

a) not everyone is great at expressing themselves in writing, or they may simply not know a thing

b) an overtly negative or mocking response just makes people double down (though some asks deserve it, lbr)

c) someone reading the exchange down the line might need to see it

d) it’s a tenet of my own belief system to be charitable (dana paramita)

I don’t always succeed, mind you... but I have to try.

[superstarbarbie]

Ok so I know I said I was writing harringrove with prominent mommy kink and I am I promise, but while typing I got distracted and wrote a shitpost chatfic i started before I finished the show. It’s like 80% finished so I’ll post a teaser now for fun

Harringrove Family

Mom added Billy Hargrove to the group

Mom: everyone apologize

Ellen Degenerate: sry

MadMax: sorry

Mom’s fav: sorry I called you mean and scary, Billy

Billy Hargrove: you are forgiven

Billy Hargrove: Except max

MadMax: Oh no! Anyway

Billy Hargrove changed his name to “MILF lover”

MILF lover: ily Stevie <33

Mom: ily2

MadMax: barf

MadMax: anyway

MadMax: how is mike both gay and homophobic 

Mom’s fav: He’s still figuring himself out, coming to terms with his feelings

Mom’s fav: and aren’t you being homophobic towards mom and his bf

Mom’s fav: just to be clear, Billy. You are not my dad

MadMax: no im barfing bc its my brother lmao

MILF lover: Ill be ur step dad some day

Mom: don’t be a dick dustin

Mom: and gay marriage? In this economy?

Mom: for the record I get all my political knowledge from rob and the milf lover

MILF lover: we’ll have to speed things up then, pretty boy ;)

MadMax: double barf

Ellen Degenerate: ^

Ellen Degenerate: I’m right tho

Ellen degenerate: as usual

MILF lover: true. We are correct.

Ellen Degenerate: We should start a club

Ellen Degenerate: Democratic Socialists of Hawkins- but with a different name so we don’t get blacklisted asjdhakjsf

MILF lover: can Stevie come? As a class pet >:)

Mom: :(

Mom: you’re just going to laugh at me

MILF lover: ok maybe we were. But I promise if you come we can help you read theory and shit 

Ellen Degenerate: and debunk propaganda

Mom’s fav: my mom can help! She voted for Mondale 

Mom: Claudia Henderson is a based queen

MILF lover: :(

Mom: I said A!

Mom: ofc you are THE based queen

MILF lover: I better be

MILF lover: or else you little brats will be children of divorce

MadMax: lmao remember when n*il got arrested for jan 6

MadMax: Barbie and I keep his mugshot framed in the living room

MILF lover: I bedazzled the frame

Ellen Degenerate: camp

Ellen Degenerate: also back to our club Nance can come

Ellen Degenerate: but NOT Mike (derogatory)

MILF lover: lmao not you inviting the neolib girl boss

Ellen Degenerate: I CAN CHANGE HER, WILLIAM

Mom:… why can’t mike come

MadMax: he loves Andrew tate

MadMax: he cried when he got banned everywhere HA

MILF lover: also he called my earring gay as an insult

Mom’s fav: he’s trying, and Will is making him better

Mom’s fav: Mike’s a good guy, his parents are two bigots so he has some catching up to do

Mom: *a biggot and a sex pest

Mom: completely unrelated, im starting the “I hate K*ren Wheeler” club

MILF lover: 🥺🥺🥺

MILF lover: Steven

Mom: What she did to you is completely unacceptable and predatory

Mom: people would have pitchforks if the genders were swapped

Ellen Degenerate: im so proud of our malewife’s growth @MILF lover

Ellen Degenerate: sorry no filter

Ellen Degenerate: Steve’s right

Ellen Degenerate: im VP of the anti K*ren club

MILF lover: aiusehbiuyasebfiuasehbfiuasbfhiuasfbasiufhbasiufhbasiufs

MILF lover: you guys are amazing

MadMax: ill bite her ankles too Barbara

MILF lover: thx shitbird

Mom’s fav: im sorry I inadvertently brought her up, Billy

Mom’s fav: like im still scared of you and stuff but ik thats deep shit

MILF lover: its ok, kid

[mamamittens]

Masterpost!

quick and dirty banner, lmao, but it does the job. In theory, this will provide a guide and links to all the different major posts I've made and some rules/info about myself! If hyperlinks don't work, let me know. I don't exactly do these often.

Warning, it is a little long, but I wanted most information to be found here for easy reference.

Commissions are [OPEN]

Me: I'm currently 26 years old, and I usually prefer female pronouns, but I really don't care if you call me casual nonbinary/masculine pronouns either. I've been a casual anime fan for years, starting with Sailor Moon and Pokemon. I'm pretty easy going in general. I'm also double-demi and no, I will not debate it with you, this is not a democracy.

Rules: I am perfectly fine with people asking questions or requests, all I ask is that you don't be a dick and if you send me private messages instead of an ask, understand that I will block you if I think you're just a bot. So try to avoid saying "Hello" and nothing else for a whole day.

I don't do role play, please don't try to get me to engage in it.

If you ask about +18 subject matter, like the 12 days of Thirst Trap event I did for Christmas, I expect you to be at least 18 and with your age in the bio, assuming you're not asking anonymously.

I do write fanfiction (I have an AO3). I'm primarily into One Piece, Undertale, My Hero Academia, Legend of Zelda, and I'm stuck in the first season of JoJo (don't ask me unless you want very long rants) at the moment. I also make art, usually just jewelry for characters (digital, I don't make physical jewelry), and am willing to do requests for specific characters.

Any +18 content will have the tag "Hand Lingerie", reblogged, if I ever do, will have "second hand lingerie" until Tumblr makes it illegal. Now just some variation of "Smut" because somehow Tumblr never learns. Might bring back "Hand Lingerie" but idk.

I can and will reject requests if I'm not comfortable with them, and I will block you if you try and push me to do it anyway. I'm doing this for free, so I have no obligation to complete these requests if I don't like them.

Any asks about when I will update pushed back the chapter (once finished) by a day. Rude asks about when I'll update the next chapter pushes back the update by a week. This effect does stack, so better hope you're the only one and I don't forget I had a completed chapter unreleased.

But if you'd like I have a Kofi!

No go's, hands down, anything involving bodily fluids often found in toilets. Sexual content explicitly involving minors. I will add to this list at will.

Jewelry posts

One Piece

Ace

Marco

Thatch

Sanji

Jinbe

Sabo

Buggy

Shirahoshi

Whitebeard

Unrelated

Demisexual/Demiromantic

OC request

@secretsnailor OC

@jordan-star OC, OC Art 2

Misc Art

OC Requests

@animeangsteng Night Out

Unrelated

Nikia OC Alt Fruit

Ambitious 3 SI Friend Group

Nikia Character Reference in OP

Nikia Work Uniform

Nikia startle (for fun)

NikiaXThatch

Headcanons

One Piece

(One Bed)

Marco

Ace

Luffy

Sabo

Road Trip

Roast Sessions

Thatch (One Piece)

Nami (One Piece)

Teach (One Piece)

Ace/Marco (One Piece)

Tony Stark (MCU)

Shitpost headcanons where I thought too hard

One Piece

Can Ace get Drunk

OP Hot Ranking is canon to me

If Ace and Mustang were fused

Where are their nipples

Marineford crack

Honey Slime Thatch (One Piece)

Ace is a Gremlin Ready to Fight

Luffy Awakened Devil Fruit Thoughts

Mystery Flesh Pit Is Good Actually

My Writing

Confess (One Piece Thatch)

The Red Lady (OC without plot in One Piece)

Exquisite Control (Ace is Scary)

OC Character Design and World Building

When the Sun Goes Down (One Piece)

Powdered Sugar (Thatch/(OC/SI)) Pt. 1, Pt. 2, Pt. 3

@secretsnailor To The Letter (Whitebeard/SI)

@marco--the--phoenix Count Us Lucky

Wanted Woman AU (F!Ace) Pt. 1, Pt. 2

A Lone Melody (ongoing), also available on AO3

Oh, Sweet Child of Mine (Complete), AO3

OC Experiment Blog (One Piece)

+18 under tag, minors DNI

12 Days of Thirst Trap 2021 (One Piece)

Day 1 - Thatch

Day 2 - Nami

Day 3 - Law

Day 4 - Perona

Day 5 - Marco

Day 6 - Robin

Day 7 - Ace

Day 8 - Alvida

Day 9 - Izo

Day 10 - Tashigi

Day 11 - Sabo

Day 12 - Hina

Day 13 Raffle winner @wildfandom - Katakuri

Extra Gift for @secretsnailor - Whitebeard

December Event 2022 (mix of SFW and NSFW)

One Piece Smut

Cream of the Crop (Thatch) - Pt. 1 gender neutral Reader, Pt. 2 Female Reader

Calm Waters (JinbeXAFAB Reader)

Aloe Kisses (SaboXAFAB Reader)

Always, High or Low Tide (WhitebeardXAFAB Reader)

Firework (AceXGN Reader)

Serene Waters (JinbeXAFAB Reader)

Riptide(Yandere!JinbeXAFAB Reader) Pt. 1, Pt. 2

Put on a Show (BuggyXGN Reader)

Shake Date +500 followers

Masterlist

Spooktober 2023

Masterlist

Spooktober 2024

Ko-Fi anyone?

[mysecretlittlelibrary]

And They Were Roommates (Drabble)

Pairing: Thor x Reader (technically but it's mostly implied idk)

Word Count: 530

Warnings: Very brief mention of male masturbation and some swearing ig but that's it

Genre: Comedy (it's giving very much shitpost lmao)

Summary: You catch your roommate Thor in a compromising circumstance

***

Living with an Asgardian is about as typical as you would expect living with a god from another world would be. Thor is a sweet roommate albeit a bit clueless about sharing a living space on Earth. Not that you would trade him for anyone else. He's definitely made life more interesting, although you were surprised when he asked to fill the empty room in your apartment several months ago. You were friends before living together sure, but you wouldn't have expected him to leave the Stark Tower when you complained to Wanda about your old roommate moving in with her girlfriend.

You met Thor after months of knowing Wanda and after her eventually confessing that she was an Avenger she introduced you to her found family and the team quickly embraced you as a friend. Thor in particular took a liking to you because you were the only person to entertain all his Earth related questions. So it only made sense to him that he should offer to live with you when you expressed wanting a new roommate.

You're humming to yourself as you walk down the hall towards your apartment from running a few morning errands. It's about 4pm when you unlock your apartment and call out to your roommate.

"Thor! I'm back!" You say as you drop some groceries on the kitchen counter. When Thor doesn't respond you frown. He always greets you loudly when you come home. You comb your memory for if Thor mentioned having somewhere to go. Nope. He didn't say anything which he would've if he was going to be out for a time. You leave the kitchen in search of your living mate. You walk down the hall towards his open bedroom door.

"Thor-?" You poke your head in only to immediately yelp and cover your eyes. Thor sits on his bed, leaning against his headboard with his dick in his hand. "Jeez Thor if you're gonna do that close the damn door!" You scold rushing down the hall. Your face is hot, the image of Thor masturbating clogging your mind.

"Lady y/n! I didn't hear you return! Where are you going?" Thor shouts after you, coming out into the hall- still completely naked.

"Thor your grown man dick is out in our hallway and you're asking me where I'm going?! Bro put it away!" You shout at him with your back turned to him.

"I don't understand the problem. What I was doing is perfectly natural." Thor says following you towards the living room where you've ended up.

"Yeah it's natural but I don't need to see it! Put some clothes on before you come in here Thor I swear!" You call from the couch when you hear his voice getting closer.

"Fine fine. I will put on clothes- you don't have to make such a big deal out of it." He scoffs heading back to his room.

You huff out a breath as you turn the television on. Thor is obviously attractive- I mean he's a god of course, but you've never thought about him as more than a friend although now it seems you have something to think about.

***

[kingleedo]

check in tag 👑

I was tagged by my lovely @soonhoonsol 🥰

why did you choose this URL?

because I wanted to go with something Leedo related but leedo and geonhak were taken (but idk if I even tried it lmao). I also have a slight obsession with kings and stuff, so idk it somehow felt natural. And kingleedo sounds nice. Anyways, then I googled the member profiles and it was pointed out that Woong gave him that king Sejeong related nickname about being the creator of Hangeul. And I was like SO IT'S PERFECT!!!

do you have any sideblogs?

no, totally not a fan of sideblogs hahaha. I do have other blogs, tho. @kmvkxn is my personal which I almost never use now

how long have you been on tumblr?

in general, around 10 years.

do you have a queue tag?

not a fan of queues, either haha. but if I had one it would probably be something basic like q or queue

why did you start this blog in the first place?

because I got freshly into kpop after a break, my personal was already too exposed. for a time being it had the same URL as my Instagram username. And for the first time in my life I kinda wanted a member/group-oriented account so I was like I AM CREATING A NEW TUMBLR lmao but I failed since it became a multi anyways, but god knows I try to make sure that ONEUS content takes at least 60-70% of the stuff I post about.

why did you choose this pfp?

for a long time, I wanted my blog to be fancy as feck, like you know living up to the name. But this bish Geonhak doesn't run around wearing a crown (like he should). So I took matters into my own hands. ISTG if I ever go to their live fan sign I'm bringing 50 crowns for my king!

why did you choose your header?

SO IF YOU GO TO MY PERSONAL (and if you were to see ALMOST all of the blogs that I have ever had on this site), you'd see that I'm a hoe for black/red color palette. This theme looked so nice in black/grey at first tho. But then they dropped teasers for Black Mirror and when I saw Keonhee in a red suit, I lost it. And I was like IF LEEDO IS IN RED I AM CHANGING MY COLOR PALETTE so here we are :) it's only logical that I chose his teaser for the header.

what’s your post with most notes?

based on tumblr calculations it's the photoset I did for Woong which can be found here. Lmao I'm not like tumblr famous so idk man hahaha

how many mutuals do you have?

I don't count them, honestly. Almost all my followers are my mutuals, I love to follow people back. But if we were to talk about people I talk to, I'd say around 20-25 people

how many followers do you have?

currently, 139

following?

191

do you make shit posts?

bold of you to assume I don't. My whole life, whole existence is one big shitpost ahahahha

how long do you use tumblr each day?

it depends. but you can bet my ass I spend almost all my free time here.

did you have a fight/argument with another blog once?

Nope. I don't think so. Never in my life got anon hate, too. There's a joke that only popular blogs get anon hate lmao hahha (THO ANON HATE IS NOT FUNNY KIDS, DON'T BE DICKS)

how do you feel ‘you need to reblog this’ posts?

most of the time I have this "Don't tell me what to do" attitude. But if it's a signal boost or a support post (basically anything that has good intentions), I'd reblog it.

do you like tag games?

yes, but they pile up in my likes because I love them and I'm like OH MY GOD SOMEDAY I'LL GET TO THIS ONE 100% but then I either forget or life happens or I get distracted :') BUT I NOTICE THEM ALL AND I REALLY LOVE THAT PEOPLE TAG ME IN THOSE <3

do you like ask games?

of course!! But I don't do them often, because I don't want to disappoint people who send the asks in. (in case I forget or smth ;;)

which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

idk about that but I do believe that all my mutuals deserve to be tumblr famous. Especially the CC crew! They all make amazing works, be it gif making, video editing, edits, writing, drawings. You guys make this place a better place and it wouldn't exist without you all!

do you have a crush on a mutual?

no, lmao. I mean you all beautiful and amazing and I love you so much! jfc look at me friendzoning yall. In my defense, my last mutual rs didn't end well, so NAH NEVER AGAIN

tagging my squad:

@kuroyurishion @u-know-time @geniuspepe @trashlord-007 @lovepaintt @minbinlix @hoshiwhxre @kimoonday @yeongwvnhi @malzenn @moon-typewriter @naturalogre @highponyleedo @younqjo @plasticflowering @strikingtaemin @seohopeful @nyangjo @seohoshi @leed0neus @kim-hong-joongie @squirrel-seoho @donghanies @imtheoneinmyzone and anyone else who wants to do it ^^

[cinnaminsvga]

zee if you want to sh*tpost (literally and figuratively sorry i'll take my joke and leave) you can! if you want to post nothing but that 24/7 then good for you (wait does tumblr still have post limit) good for me too cause idk i love your brain honestly.

if you got nothing to post that's okay too! whatever works for you...

but can i ask what is a shit post in your drafts that you'll be willing to share now? (i have like 78 drafts (cause i delete them after a bit) all random rambling or sh*tposts lmao)

i mean to be fair, i already don't post anything so i've already got that one down HAHAHHA but yea i've honestly been shitposting more on twitter bc i have less followers there and i feel?? less intimidated versus doing it here where there is a Large Number of People who could potentially see my shitposts but yeah :D i think i will be posting my shitposts here (including my shit-related stories) more often!!

and yeah i've shared a few shitposts a couple days ago, and i gotta say... i have like 500 drafts and i'd say they're like 60% nonsense, 20% old fic drafts, and 20% actual shitposts so i'll share like... this snippet of a discontinued fwb shitpost au that never saw the light of day enjoy (it's kinda nsfw but yea... it's dumb)

(basic plot is that yoongi and y/n are childhood best friends turned fwbs but!! add a large heaping spoonful of mutual pining and miscommunication and you get this >:D anyway this is the scene near the end where y/n is trying to confess but yoongi is mad bc he has a dick rash from too much sex lol)

“Yoongi, are you awake?”

The man in question lets out a soft grumble, his eyes still clenched shut even when he responds. “Wish I wasn’t. Why? If you’re gonna ask me if we can fuck, I’m going to strangle you.”

You squawk indignantly, pinching his underarm fat in retaliation. “Hey! I don’t always ask for sex.”

Yoongi snorts. “Well, say that to the rash on my fucking dick. Which, by the way, is entirely the reason I can’t sleep right now.”

You roll your eyes. “Stop overreacting, you big baby.”

At your taunt, Yoongi’s eyes shoot open. “What the fuck?!” he growls, shoving your shoulder. “You saw how it looked like! It looked like a squirrel nibbled on my cock like it was a fucking churro."

You level him with deadpan stare. "What do you mean? It already looked like that before the dick rash happened."

Not deigning your with a response, Yoongi shifts an inch away from you, turning over with a loud huff. "Go back to sleep, Y/N."

"Yoongi, come back," you whine, shaking him by the shoulders. "This is actually really important. I think I've had an epiphany."

"Really? I didn't think that could happen. Aren't you required to, like, have a functioning neural system for that?" Yoongi drones, voice dripping with exhaustion. You honestly feel kind of bad for annoying him when he clearly just wants to go to bed, but you needed to talk to him before your caffeine-induced confidence ebbs away.

"Yoongi, please. I'm not kidding."

Yoongi yawns, snuggling deeper into his blanket. "So am I. We can talk when it's not deadass o' clock, okay? Sweet dreams, Y/N."

There's a beat of silence. You wait to hear if Yoongi's breath to deepen, but it doesn't come. You count to ten in your head slowly, before releasing a sigh filled with so much melancholic emotion that it surely could have landed you an Oscar nomination. Or at the very least, it gave you Yoongi's attention.

With a resigned sigh of his own, Yoongi rolls over to face you, his bedhead momentarily blinding him (but not protecting him from the foul stench of your morning breath). He brushes his bangs away and is greeted by the sight of your normally cheerful face scrunched up in worry. “Oh. Are you being serious right now?”

“I’m always serious,” you scoff. “I’m so serious that business majors probably get wet dreams about me.” You pause, thinking. “Or something like that. I don’t actually know what business majors do and I’m too afraid to ask at this point.”

“Y/N, we are literally sleeping on your Dora the Explorer bedsheets that you got for sale at a garage sale two years ago. This is the farthest thing from anything serious."

"Okay, no need to be project your dick rash rage onto Dora and Diego," you huff.

"I DO NOT HAVE DICK RASH RAGE?" he seethes.

"Spoken like a true dick rash rager," you respond calmly, further aggravating him. "Listen, I am trying to be serious here and you're honestly making it very hard right now—"

"Sorry," he says, sounding somewhat genuinely remorseful.

"—which is suboptimal, considering your dick is very much out of commission right now—"

"ALRIGHT ASSHOLE I AM GOING BACK TO SLEEP!" Yoongi threatens to turn over once more, but not before you can sling him back towards you until your noses were just barely touching.

“Yoongi, you know that I value your honesty very much—”

“What the fuck,” Yoongi interrupts. He levels you with an incredulous stare, his eyebrows arching comically. “No? You don’t? You literally tell me to shut up every time I tell you that your shoes are fugly as hell.”

“Those are my Crocs® and I would greatly appreciate it if you would keep your unsolicited opinions to yourself,” you counter. “But this time, I actually need your opinion on something so you’re free to be as brutally honest as you’d like.”

“Ah yes, my favorite pastime... Being a dickhead, but consensually,” Yoongi drawls.

[yeoldontknow]

❧ check in tag

tagged by the sweetest angel @propinqxity to do this little tag. this is such a cute list of questions, and some of these i dont think ive been asked before. thank you so much for the tag and the tumblr crush mention lovely. you truly are a bright spot on this website and i mean that sincerely <333

going under a cut because im certain i will ramble ~

1. Why did you choose this url?

its sort of like a pun between yall dont know and the fact that, hopefully, sincerely, chanyeol does not in fact know that i run this blog lmao i changed to this after a long time of being bread-jinie and i wanted to rebrand. i will, however, do my best to never change URLs again because the masterlist switch over was a complete hassle

2. Any sideblogs? If you have them, name them and why you have them

i have a fic recs blog called @yeoldontknowiread. as to why i have it, i know it hasnt been updated in ages since ive been kind of on hiatus, but i think reading and sharing work on this platform is immensely important. i actually read quite a lot of fanfiction, and i try my best to share the things i read. im very very behind on recs at the moment cause i try my best to write something substantial for every recommendation i make. as a writer, i know exactly the kinds of thoughts and feedback on fics that make my heart soar so i try to put in the same energy to my recs. community is only fostered when there is reciprocation

3. How long have you been on Tumblr?

hmmm since april 2017. i actually had my 4 year anniversary this year and i did have plans for things but i got roped into real life things and couldnt celebrate the way i truly wanted to :(

4. Do you have a queue tag?

no but sometimes i think i should. i view tags as a library on top of my knee jerk response to things. most of my tags are just my initial thoughts or feelings at any given moment, so those take precedence over a specific queue tag

5. Why did you start your blog in the first place?

when i was getting into exo, i was reading fanfiction like crazy. i used to write fanfic quite a lot in other fandoms, but at that time i hadnt written anything in about 2.5 years. exo was the first re-introduction to that feeling of excitement and inspiration. after about 3 weeks of straight reading, i decided i wanted to write again. i wrote the prologue to hero in about two hours and tried logging into AO3 to post it. sadly i forgot all of my log in information because it had been years, and was getting frustrated. i really wanted to put it somewhere out of fear that id lose interest if i didnt do something with it, and everything id read had been on tumblr. so i made a tumblr just to put hero lmao i didnt have any mutuals. it was a blog with straight 0. i hadnt even created an account to interact with writers before that moment, i really thought id be a silent reader forever. but exo woke me back up and for that i am eternally grateful.

6. Why did you choose your icon?

the yours music video is...so stunning? like the colour theory throughout the whole thing is truly so inspiring and gorgeous. and this shot of chanyeol looking at the painting took my breath away, truly. tulips and the color of peach, like do you know how evocative that is? ugh

7. Why did you choose your header

my header was made by @jamaisjoons for my birthday this year because shes literally the most talented person when it comes to graphics. and this was so kind of her to do, i cried a lot

8. What's your post with the most notes?

uhm....either the body through time or truth i cant remember which but i checked recently and its one of those

9. How many mutuals do you have?

honestly at this point im not even sure. i know ive lost a bunch while i was on hiatus because i was basically a dead blog, and some people do dash cleanses. and im certain others have left, too, for their own reasons. still, i have a good core of friends though who are active and that is enough for me

10. How many followers do you have?

more than i probably deserve

11. How many people do you follow?

399

12. Have you ever made a shitpost?

uhm i guess? there was a time when nng was not updated and every wednesday id post the days go by music video in sadness and grief but im not a big shitposter. if i make a text post its usually a life update or me crying about chanyeol, theres no inbetween lmao

13. How often do you use Tumblr every day?

tbh i havent used tumblr that often, not since march i think. i used to use it many times a day, checking in on friends and stuff, but once i started focusing on my phd applications i was only here sporadically. i didnt make an announcement either, just let my blog run on queue so i wasnt totally gone. i think i was checking in twice a week or maybe once every two weeks to refill my queue and check mentions etc. but now that my interviews are done im trying to get back on here daily to reconnect

14. Did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? Who won?

ive had my share of disagreements with people and any details about those situations shall remain as they are meant to: private

15. How do you feel about "you need to reblog this" posts?

in what context? like, you need to reblog this or your wish wont come true? or like, please reblog this to spread the word/spread awareness, etc? in the case for the former, i scroll right by. in the case of the latter, if im around and see someone raising a go fund me or some major event is occurring and i find a post with good sources or charities i will reblog. mostly though, the full extent my activism isnt really on this blog. its my escape from reality. my activism is usually placed on other platforms.

16. Do you like tag games?

i doooo!!! theyre so fun i love learning about my friends

17. do you like ask games?

i love those too! theyre so cute and usually a nice way to have interaction immediacy with people in the community

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is Tumblr famous?

no one. can we please abandon this notion of fame on tumblr? arent we all here to write about some dick and some smut and some fluff and then hang out together and log off? lmao tumblr isnt reality and followers/fame is so arbitrary on this platform, no one has any control over any of it

19. Do you have a crush on a mutual?

i am in love with so many people here. let me name a few:

@yehet-me-up @kyungseokie @jenmyeons @j-pping @jamaisjoons @inkedtae @kookdiaries @yoonia @dulcetvk @kithtaehyung @imdifferentshadesofpurple @ditzymax @sugaurora @sahmbtsficrecs @junghelioseok @yeojaa @augustbutwinter @joonscore @btssavedmylifeblr @cutechim @sunshinekims @kimtaehyunq @ouvuo @delhyun @exo-stentialism @sooibian @softyoongiionly @jinseunie @zibermuda @bratkook @1kook @luffles424 @xjoonchildx

and so many other people and mutuals that i am certainly forgetting. love is such an expansive feeling, and it encompasses platonic ardor and creative desire. i admire every single person listed for so many different reasons, and cherish and treasure them or what they provide to the community. love is such an important and broad experience. truly, i hope they feel adored every single day x

[spicy-mbti-memes]

How the Types Dump You

ESTJ: As you walk into the room, he is sitting at an office desk. He motions for you to sit down. (This confuses you greatly, because you don’t even have an office desk in your house; did he buy one just for this occasion?) He takes out his reading glasses and pulls out a file folder that you can see is extensively tagged with color-coded index notes. He opens it up and begins reading from a double-spaced, 5,000-word essay written in size 12 Times New Roman with in-text citations and a bibliography written in APA format. His essay lists every way in which you’ve ever failed to live up to his expectations in the relationship; the report concludes that there is no other rational choice but to fire you as his companion. He thanks you for your time and writes you a severance check (aka first and last month’s rent) before leaving. You shrug casually because, well, hey, it could’ve been worse: you could’ve been broken up with the way that the ENFP girl’s boyfriend on this list did.

ISTJ: ISTJs don’t break up with you. If you end up with an ISTJ, you’re either going to have to do the dirty work yourself, or you’re going to be stuck with them until you die.

Either that, or they’ll e-mail you from work while they’re on their lunch break (because they can’t send a personal e-mail during work hours, obviously).

ESTP: You walk into your apartment to see your ESTP boyfriend in the middle of having a literal orgy in your living room. “What the fuck are you doing?!” you scream at your ESTP boyfriend (and the twelve other people in the room, too, I guess), who seems genuinely confused somehow. “But I don’t even love them!” he continues to insist, not understanding how you could be so upset about this. “It’s just sex, what’s the big deal? Here, how about this: why don’t you join us? Would that make you feel better? The bowl of condoms is over there. They’re just for decoration and we’re not using them, but I thought I would show them to you anyway.”

ISTP: Sends you a letter in the mail from a clinic advising you to get tested for STDs.

ESFJ: You’ve been talking about starting to try for a baby for a while now, so you and your partner begin to make some preparations to help protect your future family - stashing away money for the down-payment on a house, trading in your car for a family van, filling out life insurance policies; routine stuff. But then, little things started happening; things so small that you only noticed in hindsight. The new lock on her phone that wasn’t there before. How often you caught her smiling to herself as she was texting. How much more often she was suddenly going on out-of-town work trips, or going out for a lady’s night, or having to stay late for work. How irritated she always seemed to be with you, and how little you were having sex despite actively trying to get pregnant. You were in denial at first, but slowly, you’re starting to put the pieces together. You make up your mind to confront her on the weekend, in case anything goes wrong and you suddenly have to go stay somewhere else.

Except you never get a chance to, because one morning, you wake up and your world looks completely different. You aren’t in your bed; in fact, you don’t seem to be anywhere at all. And that’s because you’re dead, because your wife poisoned you so that she could move overseas to be with her new hot 23-year-old boyfriend from Spain, and the money she got from your $250,000 life insurance policy.

ISFJ: Does it the proper, old-fashioned way: by sitting you down and explaining to you why it just isn’t working out. Fuck ISFJs and their wholesomeness and perfection preventing me from shitposting about them. =/

ESFP: Sends you a picture of themselves flipping the bird while sucking your best friend’s dick. Afterwards, texts you a detailed play-by-play of everything they did, and how much of a better lay he was than you. Oh, and how much bigger his dick was than yours, of course.

ISFP: Breaking up? Us? Oh, honey. Honey, no. You’re not going anywhere. I will murder your entire family if that’s what I have to do to stop them from being able to take you away from me. The police? Lmao, that’s cute. Let them come and watch me win the Oscar performance of the year as I cry about how you beat me, and drag you away to jail instead. No, baby, you’re not going anywhere. We’re never breaking up. We’re always going to be together. Forever.

ENTJ: He’s a wildly successful entrepreneur who ended up becoming a multi-millionaire. You’re the beautiful philanthropist and socialite trophy wife and stay-at-home mom who takes care of the kids. Together, you own homes in four different countries (one for each season, and several in Aspen and Montauk - just for the weekends, of course), a yacht, multiple sports cars, an entire room just for shoes, ties, and handbags, and a chef, a housekeeper, and a full-time, live-in nanny. Everything he owns is shiny, new, the latest model - everything, that is, except for you. So he cheats on you behind your back, divorces you when you find out about it, and then replaces you with a hotter, younger replica of yourself.

But hey, at least you got half of everything in the divorce. At least he was gracious enough not to have you assassinated, I guess.

INTJ: Calmly and rationally explains to you why it just wouldn’t work in the grand scheme of things. I mean, for one thing, having a wife (or even a serious girlfriend) just wasn’t a part of the life plan that he created for himself in the first grade; hell, it wasn’t even a part of the ten-year plan that he drew up for himself on the first day of high school. He’s not trying to be rude or insensitive, but he just doesn’t have the time to waste on pursuing empty, meaningless pursuits like social relationships or having a girlfriend. How is he going to meet his goal of becoming the youngest PhD holder in his state if he has to waste time doing things like talking to you?

Joke’s on him, though, because this is exactly how the movie Legally Blonde started, and doesn’t he know how that movie ended for someone like him?

ENTP: ENTPs don’t break up with you, because ENTPs don’t date anyone seriously in the first place. If, by some stroke of (horrible) luck, you actually did manage to get an ENTP to agree to hang out with you often enough under a context that could reasonably be construed as the two of you being “in a relationship”, they would probably get bored and cheat on you within weeks. But hey, if you’re a masochist and getting your heart broken repeatedly is your thing (lookin’ at you, INFxs), then do what makes you happy, man. I’m not judging.

INTP: Meh. Doesn’t really bother to break up with you. Continues to co-habitate with you while ceasing to continue putting any effort into the maintenance of the relationship, and just kind of letting it die a natural death. By the time it’s over, neither of you have cared for months.

ENFJ: Leaves you a length, caring, compassionate, “It’s not you, it’s me” goodbye letter on your bedside table in an attempt to soften the blow of gently explaining that she has decided to leave you and your life together in order to pursue her dream of cultivating relationships with multiple wealthy Sugar Daddies who fund her extravagant, globetrotting lifestyle.

INFJ: INFJs never truly break up with anyone. They keep the door open just the tiniest sliver, so that they can keep you around as their potential back-up plan in case their current relationship falls apart. After all, where are they going to get their identity and sense of self from if they’re alone?

ENFP: You come home after work and she isn’t there. None of her stuff is missing, so at first, you aren’t worried - she must just be running late, or made an impromptu decision to go see a friend. By 10 PM, you’re riddled with anxiety and the fear that something has gone horribly, horribly wrong. You call her friends. You call all the local hospitals and jails. You file a police report. But nothing ever comes of the investigation, and no one can figure out what happened to her - it’s like she dropped off the face of the Earth. The whole ordeal is emotionally devastating for you, but eventually life goes on, as it inevitably must.

Years later, you turn on your computer and have a new friend request on Facebook. It’s your ex-girlfriend. You find out that she’s been living on a hippie commune in the Costa Rican rainforest for the past three years. She felt “stifled and trapped” by her old life, she tells you, and felt like she “needed a change from the oppressive grind of daily life”. She can’t understand why you’re so upset about it; shouldn’t you be happy for her for finally getting to live out her dream?

You hang up the phone and never think about her again.

INFP: Ghosts you.

That’s it. That’s literally it. You’ll never hear from them again. It’s like they just never existed. After a while, you start to wonder whether they ever really did, or if they were just a figment of your imagination.

(If you’re an INTP, then this is probably true. Your caring, squishy uwu INFP senpai girlfriend was all a product of your lonely imagination.)

[rocksinmuffin]

Answering questions under the read more.

Because consistency is for nerds and I am the architect of my own reality.

I mean, I’ve written some fetish requests. I have definitely written piss, a footjob, and at least one non-shitpost vore story during the course of my blog. It’s not exactly my preference but I am not easily squicked out and have become desensitized by most things due to overexposure to weird content at a young age so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I never really got into the series. I have memories of watching my brother play the first game when it came out but I was an even bigger wuss back then than I am now and it scared me lmao. And then I just never played any of the games. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I have not. I’ve heard about it and it looks very awful but I can’t decide if it looks like a good bad movie or a bad bad movie. Surprisingly, the term “xenophillia with Jeff Goldblum” does not make me want to see it any more.

It’s an AU that’s been around since before I was ever in the Transformers fandom and I like seeing different people’s interpretations of it. I’m a notorious self-proclaimed bug-fucker so I’ll never say no to more handsome bugs, but when it comes down to it, Transformers already has a good selection of canon bug boys to choose from. It’s an AU I find enjoyable, but not one I necessarily go out of my way to find.

😭💕 THANK YOU. I’m a huge fan of the Mass Effect alien races and I love silly slice of life domestic shit, so it means a lot to know that people enjoy my self-indulgent writing.

My favorite AU to write is anything with Shattered Glass because I love evil Autobots and Evil Optimus is my bastard jock husband. Honorable mention goes to Cryptidformers because it was different from other AUs that we’re going around at the time and it was really cool to see a couple other people make their own interpretations.

My all-time favorite reaction from people was when there this ungodly amount of thirst for the Megahusband AU and I shitpost cockblocked everyone who requested nsfw for it so then people literally went to other people’s request blogs and asked them to write about Megahusband’s dick instead.

Y’all can send them if you want. I don’t always post them just because these sorts of things tend to trend a little too fast and can get out of hand when I post them all, but if you want to share them with me then you’re more than welcome to do so.

I don’t know if videos might be blocked for certain countries, but you can find a lot of them on YouTube. This playlist in particular is a good place to start: https://m.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL9sPaqU0R5l7U95OvmqRjNzI_Y7ESvmTP

It’s missing a couple of the early episodes though that’s not a huge deal if you already saw all of season one. I’m not sure if it’s missing any more because there are a lot of videos and I don’t want to look at every post, but you can compare it to the complete episode list and search for individual episode titles as you go through if you notice any more missing and will probably still find them somewhere on YouTube. (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Beast_Wars_episodes#Season_1_(1996–97))

Beast Machines wasn’t my cup of tea, but I’d still recommend checking out the first couple episodes after the original series so you can make your own opinion. But definitely finish all of Beast Wars before you watch it because it takes place directly after the first series ends.

I haven’t yet, but i’ve heard nothing but positive reviews from my friends who have. Hopefully I’ll get the chance to see it soon.

I’d agree with you but I wanna bang the purple murder clown stoner boy so I can’t say shit.

[justasmallbloginabigklainefandom]

That dude

In case you’re wondering why I am constantly shitposting about my sister’s boyfriend. I can imagine that me talking about my non-existent alcholist coping mechanism is a bit weird for the ones who have no clue what’s going on.

Long story short: I hate my sister’s boyfriend

Why? Well, he cheated within the first two months of their relationship and my sister took him back a month later or something. And honestly, I am still angry about that. I flat out hate him. I’m just constantly filled with anger when he’s around and you know I’ve made pretty clear that I do not like him. The only reason I try to stay neutral is because my sister unfortunately likes him.

*cue me puking*

I’m gonna spare you most of the story but the bottom line is that I do not trust him, I hate him, and my sister is the perfect mix of naivity and no self-respect, so yeah. No wonder they got back together.

A few days ago, I fucking lost it. The dude has been trying to bond with me and even though I’d rather claw my own eyes out than willingly talk to him, I talk back because we both do it for my sister’s sake.

~i literally couldn’t care less about his cheating ass~

But I freaked out. I do not like his jokes. I don’t find it funny to call rap music (tw: slur warning, cause yikies) nigger music. I don’t laugh when he jokes about (tw: antisemitism, yup this is getting worse) driving the train to Auschwitz. I do not appreciate his weird (tw: sexism, yeah man we’re going for it) hypocrisy when it comes to women and relationships. And then on Saturday, he made a shitty comment (tw: fatphobia I’m just absolutely going ballistic here) about my fat Sim and I just lost it.

I gave him a dirty look and muttered that I absolutely fucking hate him. My dad got angry at me for doing it, which made me even more angry. Where was all that anger when he was a fucking dick?

A lot of crying. My sister was upset. I had a full-blown meltdown, admitting that I just do not feel comfortable in my own home with him around, since I can’t let go of all this anger. I also expressed my utter anger at everyone around me, since we can let that dude get away with everything, but I have to just shut up and smile when he’s here.

(I literally yelled towards my dad: “Just treat me like him, dad. Forgive me for what I’ve done. After all, you’ve all forgiven him for worse.”)

Then came the whole part where I couldn’t give less of a crap about hurting his feelings. I am actually more sorry about not being sorry, since on one hand I feel like I should, but on the other hand... lmao burn bitch burn and face the consequences of your actions.

(Was I rude? Definitely. Was I out of line? Probably. Did I hurt his feeling? Not intentionally, but it felt good to do so. Am I sorry? Oh, hell no. To me, these are consequences of his own actions *cough*cheating*couch* and I couldn’t give less of a crap 🤷‍♀️)

So. I knew that he was coming over for a short moment on Boxing Day. I have been preparing myself for it for weeks. I am fully expecting a terrible, disappointing Boxing Day. But hey, let’s just bite my tongue as always for my sister’s sake.

Today, on the 24th, without running it by anyone, my stupid sister announces that she’s also asked that dude to come over on Christmas Day.

Look... ruining Boxing Day? Whatever, I gotta do it. But also ruining Christmas Day, something I’ve been looking forward for ages?

Fuck you.

I fucking couldn’t believe her. She was there during my four hour long meltdown. She saw first hand how much I don’t feel great when he’s here, and she still asks him to come over.

And since my parents didn’t know what was going on and since my sister is an impulsive piece of shit, my parents agreed without fully understanding what they agreed to. Who the fuck changes the plans less than 24 hours than before without consulting anyone? My stupid sister.

She left to go to work and I literally fucking cried with rage at her utter stupidity. Hence all my vague posting and angry shit posting and talking about breaking the liquor cabinet. I am just so fucking angry.

**see this tag for my quality posts and memes**

It’s so paradoxal. On one hand, she is the most caring person ever, up till a point that it’s annoying how she pushes everything aside for others, but the moment when it comes to her needs, she literally doesn’t fucking care about anyone’s plans.

So yeah. Angry mode.

The only relief is the fact that my grandma is coming over for Christmas as well, and due to her old age, she’s lost her filter and she’s become unbearably rude. Normally, I’d be embarrassed, but now I am very much hoping that she’s gonna verbally destroy him all evening long and I’m gonna enjoy every minute of it.