#and not to say i havent had bad experiences either

[theswordwizard]

this post reminded me of a realization I came to while on the subway a while back. So, I talk to myself a lot. I just have an easier time organizing my thoughts if I act like I’m presenting them to another party, and sometimes it just keeps my overactive mind entertained. I usually keep it in my head because I know it’s ‘weird’ and makes people treat me like I’m ‘weird,’ but if I’m alone or get caught up sometimes I’ll start mumbling or whispering to myself. If I’ve been sitting or not moving for too long while bored I’ll also get increasingly jittery to the point of what looks like spasms. Again, I’ve spent a LOT of time figuring out how to keep it together in front of other people because I don’t want to be treated the way I know I’d get dismissed otherwise.

I was with some acquaintances in NY and on the subway there was an visibly homeless man sleeping on one side of the car, and a jittery man mumbling to himself across the aisle, occasionally shaking his head back and forth. Wasn’t bothering anyone. We were quietly talking amongst each other, trying not to wake the other guy. After a while of the jittery man talking to himself, one of my acquaintances’ boyfriend looked at him, turned to us, rolled his eyes, and made a not-very-subtle motion of injecting himself. He was turned away from the man and I didn’t want to make it a thing, so I didn’t say anything then, but it was a harsh reminder. I’m so much closer to mumbling to myself while twitching a bit on the subway then I’d ever be to being actually neurotypical. If I had some sort of event and forgot or didn’t feel in control enough to keep myself locked into 'not being weird’ mode, I could easily be dismissed like that by people who were so secure in their mind. And not to sound like a fake “don’t judge” story, but a few stops later the man went over to the homeless man, shook him awake, told him to keep his head up and good luck, and gave him some cash while we all got out.

In the same way that the slightly more financially secure, though still lower class, separate themselves from homeless and extremely poor people, and often don’t realize how perilously close we are to being in the same situation if we get a stroke of bad luck, there is a similar sort of class separation when it comes to mental and physical health. NT and able-bodied people avoid fearing their own potential disability by avoiding empathy and engagement, and by considering others as an inherent lower “mental class” that they can safely consider themselves above. Or even within people that aren’t NT, we have high-functioning versus low-functioning, people that can usually pass for NT versus people that can’t, etc. Same thing. We don’t think about how things can easily get out of our own control.

I think a lot of people are one event or a particularly bad week from finding it a lot more difficult to be completely clean, quiet, and ‘normal’ in a public place. People that are just talking to themselves, moving oddly, or don’t seem ‘all the way there’ are not inherently dangerous or below you. 

[waywardsalt]

mmmgh

[beautifel]

i. hate that i cant ignore any longer how fucked up i am

[br1ghtestlight]

people on twitter being like "if your anxiety is so bad that you cant cook for yourself you should probably be institutionalized" would absolutely HATE to see how my life was in like 2019 lmao

[cass-cc]

.

[guitarriffsolo]

-Cunnilingus-

Verosika Mayday x Reader one shot

You worked in Verosika’s studio. You were her main stylist and put together 99% of the iconic outfits she wore on stage and for public appearances.

Reader is technically GN but said to be wearing makeup

——————————————————

I was making plans for the next outfit as Verosika was currently touring the 7 rings of hell when she kicked the door open and screamed.

“I hate work! I hate people! And I’m so fucking sick of this tour!”

I hardly knew how to respond to her outburst so I opted to just watching her melt down.

“Do you have a goddamn problem Y/N?!?!”

I stand up out of my desk, I could nearly swear this would be the third meltdown this week.

“Would you like a drink Verosika?”

She sighed and tried to calm down

“Get me a strawberry daiquiri and make it fast.”

I walk over to the mini bar and make a quick drink. I suppose one of the reasons Verosika enjoyed me so much was my past bartending experience before moving into the fashion industry. I hand her the requested drink, she takes a sip and nearly moans at the taste.

“You are fucking awesome Y/N.”

I sit down with my own drink and take a sip.

“So what happened now to get your panties in such a twist?”

“Come take me panties off if you’re so concerned about them..”

I raise an eyebrow but Verosika’s expression doesn’t falter.

“Did I stutter?”

She’s so nonchalant with her offer as she takes another sip of her fruity drink. I had of course heard she would hook up with employees before but me and her had never gone at it. I wasn’t opposed to the idea, nobody could deny that Verosika Mayday was smoking hot.

I set down my drink and choose to respond.

“Get a little closer and tell me what ya want pretty girl.”

Her expression is nearly giddy for a moment before walking over and wrapping a strand of my hair around her finger and giving a twirl.

“You know how to eat pussy baby? I could really use an orgasm for my nerves,”

“Can I kiss you?”

Verosika nods and I lean in for a kiss. I swipe my tongue across her lips and she instantly gets the message and opens up her mouth. My tongue darts in and I can taste the rum in her saliva.

I slither down to the floor to get on knees.

“C’mon baby I’ve neen dying to hook up with ya one of these days, I can just tell you would amazing head.”

Praises effortlessly rolled off the pop stars tongue as I hitched up her hot pink skirt relieving black panties with two pink X’s on either hip.

“You’re already soaking, I havent even done anything,”

My smirk grows and Verosika rests further into the couch.

“Maybe I’m fuckin stressed horny, I don’t know baby but I need ya so bad,”

I oblige the pleading tone and pull her panties down to her ankles revealing a glistening and soaked cunt.

I hitch one leg over my shoulder and push the other one out to give me all the access I needed to bring Verosika onto a mind blowing orgasm.

I start to gently kiss up her thigh as my red lipstick leaves a trail of kiss marks. I hum against her warm skin.

A drop of her slick falls onto my cheek and I lick it up. I swallow the drop then open my mouth to show off. Verosika is nearly moaning just at the sight of my actions.

“Satan why haven’t we done this sooner?”

“Ya never asked.”

I say with my shit eating grin as I lick a stripe between her folds. Verosika brings both hands up to her mouth and gasps out a hitched moan.

Verosikas hands reach into my locks and I can feel her fresh acrylics leaving the perfect scratch on my scalp. My mouth is around her clit and my moan sends vibrations through her cunt.

I drink her juices and eat her out like she’s my last meal in hell. I feel as if I would’nt care if I dropped dead at this point knowing this was the last thing I did.

My tongue enters her as I fuck her in and out. It really was amazing that certain imps including myself had forked tongues, really added spice to these situations.

Verosika bucks her hips up as she chases her chance to pour cum all over my face. My lipstick was smeared and I’m sure my base was messy. It was all worth it to hear the pop star moan out my name and squirm beneath my touch.

I lick back up to swirl my tongue around her clit then I bring two fingers to enter her sopping wet hole. When I curl my fingers it seems to hit the perfect bundle of nerves.

“Satan! Yes! Y/N don’t stop I swear on my fucking life I will kill you if you stop. Holy shit hit right there and keep that hot mouth around my clit!”

Verosika moaned and babbled whatever came to mind as my fingers thrusted in rhythm with the way I would sink in my cheeks around her now swollen bud.

“Mm not stopping V..”

I reassure her and speed up the way I finger bang her. I can tell she’s close when the way she moves her hips gets sloppy and her moans transition into screams.

My teeth ever so gently bite around her clit. Not at all painful, a simple graze but it seems that little touch did it.

Verosika cries out and only then do I notice the mascara dripping down her cheeks. Milky cum squirts over my face and I drink whatever I can catch in my mouth.

“Oh you’re so perfect Y/N..”

Verosika seems pretty out of it and I get up off my knees to grab a damp towel. I first wipe what cum was left over on my face before moving onto to cleaning Verosika. I wipe gently as I knew she was still sensitive.

Verosika already seemed ready to pass out and luckily there was a nearby blanket. I place it over her and fix her messy hair a bit.

“We gotta do that again baby,” She mumbles but she can barely keep her eyes open.

I giggle a bit before responding.

“Get some sleep princess, we’ll talk when you’re rested,”

—————————————————

Woo first one shot of this blog!

I hope this was good considering I’m not used to writing hook ups and much prefer established relationships😭

Hope you enjoyed masturbating to this slut mwah 💋

(I know yall get off to tumblr blogs don’t even lie to me)

[linkhundr]

Amsterdam 2 was a very special and wonderful experience but I find it really really jaded by the way the crowd was acting, wow. so many people thinking they had main character moments lmao!!!

Queueing at 12:45 AM is absolutely insane behavior (and none of them were Dutch either) The fact I showed up at 7:30 feeling bad for being so early and still being 19th is crazy

the absolute complete and utter insanity that was trying to get Jere's attention and give him stuff both during yaps and during songs, the latter being especially offensive. everyone wants to party and sing along and you just screaming his name trying to give him a money gun completely kills any and all vibes. i don't think i understood many of his yaps because i just had people yelling and reaching over me to try and get his attention. it aint about you!!! the instant reaching for him the second he gets close to the edge of stage is weird ass behavior and he didn't do his usual rush past the crowd after the show which in part i would think is because so many were being fucking weirdos!!

People leaving absolute mountains of trash and other stuff around the waiting area when the real line started

Pregaming so hard several were already completely blasted before the venue even opened

Standing at the front/barricade, hands on the stage, watching footage on their phones of Finnish gigs where they were at barricade, as people from different countries other than the Netherlands was a real slap in the face lmao - especially as they completely ignored any attempt at kind small talk at them. y'all just looked arrogant as fuck

group of gals just lying through their teeth waltzing in mid-gig in 3rd row saying they had already been standing there. girl, the 10 people surrounding you havent moved in 90 minutes, just be honest and say you want a better view

being blasted with a screen that says not to throw shit on stage for 90 minutes and then still throwing shit on stage lmao

why in gods name would you raise your hand if youre not dutch when he's asking for a dutch person to sing a famous dutch song (and so many just singing trafik lol)

the way first to third row was completely packed together and pushed forward before even a fifth of total capacity had been let into the hall - and if you didnt shuffle forward you'd be pushed back a couple rows

folks need a lecture in concert etiquette lmfao. might straight up skip amsterdam shows in the future despite living there because Brussels had infinitely better vibes in the crowd and queue than whatever the hell was going on here

[atticustimestwo]

do you mind sharing a bit more about your analysis of heart,,,

i'd love to!! (i assume this is about the heart critique piece i did a few months ago, but please correct me if im wrong!)

in terms of the "a critique on the treatment of hearts characterization" piece, i wanted to visually explore some frustrations i have had with how the fanbase seems to fall into some unfortunate patterns when it comes to hearts character.

frequently, i see heart infantilized - this either comes across as him being a kicked dog unable to help himself because he is too weak, a baby angel who did nothing wrong, or a feral gremlin child. i think flattening his character down to any/all of these is, for lack of a better word, a bit problematic?

; one reason being it just defeats the idea of emotions being a visceral, intense thing. heart is meant to represent emotion in its purest form; i feel woobifying him takes away from that concept because it shows having emotions as being inherently weaker or less mature. i think a lot of people kinda forget HMS aren't just tv show characters. they represent greater concepts that near everyone feels and feels uniquely - theyre more sensitive than your typical character. thats not saying treating them as characters is bad! everyone relates to them differently because they are so personal, they make them their own and i think thats really awesome!! ; but boiling them down to these really generic tropes and making heart a baby kinda defeats the idea that emotions are a real, visceral, multifaceted concept. ; another reason i think it can be problematic is that it sometimes unintentionally comes across really ableist? a lot of these 'fandom-y' tropes are already rooted in ableism in some way, which is bad on its own, but theres also the important addition that heart is frequently portrayed as blind.

ive seen people time and time again fall into stereotypes with heart that his blindness makes him weak/helpless/childish. truthfully I dont think people do this intentionally, but its still internalized ableism showing up. i recognize that a lot of the people who woobify heart tend to be on the younger side, so they dont really recognize that theyre flattening him down like that- not out of malicious ignorance, but because theyre kids who havent really had the life experience yet to grasp the full concepts of the album or realize they might be implying harmful stereotypes; that doesn't necessarily mean its okay, but i think its just them being uneducated cause theyre kids and they have yet to learn that stuff. ; all that being said, im not trying to police people on how they portray characters. im not any authority on this fandom/album by any means imaginable - im just a fan like everyone else here! like i said before, characterizing HMS is not inherently a bad thing at all ! its fun, and its what this fanbase is built on in the first place! its so great that everyone can interpret and relate to HMS so personally, i think chonny really hit it off with the concept for the album and the execution is stellar! seeing all the fanart and different interpretations of it and the characters is such a beautiful thing, no matter if its joking, lighthearted, or deep! ; at the end of the day, theres no wrong way to interpret this album, and theres no wrong way to characterize heart. more than anything that critique piece was built up frustration turned to a call to action for people to stop and think deeply for a moment about how they portray heart - to open eyes if someone might be unknowingly flattening or adding problematic ideas to their characterizations. and to just be mindful of that going forward! 💜 

[trans-androgyne]

honestly. i am trans and intersex and tma/tme pisses me off so bad. i literally cannot "pass" as cis OR perisex. if i dress like a woman, people tell me im not trying hard enough. if i dress like a man, people tell me im not trying hard enough. no matter how i present i will never look cis or perisex. ive had people send me waves of anons trying to guess my AGAB or straight up assuming it and treating me like shit because of it.

at this point i dont really want to call myself cis OR trans! im not cis in the first place, but i feel like im not the right kind of trans, either. i know that doesnt mean a lot bc there isnt a right kind of trans, but when i see perisex people going on HRT and talking about the changes to their body, all i think about is how i already have those changes so what will i have to celebrate if i ever get on HRT. and its not those peoples faults either i hope it doesn't come off like im trying to say that cuz in the end this is just a personal thing.

anyways i kind of derailed my own conversation into something else which im sorry. i havent medicated today 💔 i just wish it were easier for folks like me who dont really feel like they have a place ANYWHERE

No you’re completely right. The intersexism in the trans community is absolutely atrocious and I hope as awareness is being raised things will start to improve. I’m so incredibly sorry you’ve been made to feel this way and I hope you can find spaces that include you in all parts of your identity and experiences.

[magpod-confessions]

Honestly i wanna hear opinions on season 4, cus im gonna confess i could NOT finish it (didnt move on to season 5 either lol). Got to like ep 135 & i just couldnt tell any of the episodes apart it felt like such a drag; just a slog of misery with some offhand Important 5 Minutes once in a blue moon. I hate repetition & i got the sparknotes from fandom/wiki stuff so yeahhh i just stopped listening; i still love TMA & it’s story & characters, it’s just the execution that got to me RIP

Everything felt kinda forced to me ig? Like there was some shoe-horned “humans are more monstrous than the actual monster” that snuffed S1 Jon’s fun cockiness/jackassery just to make him ? The best one in the archive ??? & all of his wrongdoings are either off-screen or justified by him being tricked into becoming a literal monster against his will (who would STARVE w/o his ‘evil-doings’, which didnt even kill ppl). Also felt like everyone got needlessly dumbed down except for Martin (the Love Interest ofc, who got 180’d from his pre-established incompetency to be some mastermind in a playing field he should have REALLY been inept in) just so they’d be blind to Jon’s situation & be mean to him LMAO

They started trying to make Jon accountable for “choosing this” & i couldnt handle it, held no fucking water to me—the guy being explicitly puppetted & manipulated as the entire plot? That guy is expected to take responsibility here? Felt like some after-thought theme they threw on top of it all. Anyways uhh feel free comment either on what i said and/or your personal thoughts on the season, or nothing if ya got nothing lol

🗣️

Ehh disagree. S4 isnt my fav but I dont think its bad. S1 Jon to s4 jon feels like natural character progression to me. He starts as acting all high and mighty to try hide the fact he has no idea what hes doing and is terrified, and then experiences a lot of ppl dying that he feels is due to him and is his responsibility. At that point his thought pattern is 'I keep messing up and making mistakes and getting myself and everyone around me hurt, so other ppl surely know better'. Hes got a lot of black and white thinking around him, which has been consistent throughout his entire characterization

I dont think any characters were dumbed down either

Melanie was always angry, she only go worse bc she had smth making her think everything she did was justified and when that stopped she became avoidant and stopped lashing out. She was still angry, just managing it better

Basira has always been Daisys no1, the person to justify all of Daisys actions. She knows what daisy did and why its bad but she holds onto the idea that daisy is right in doing so. She blames jon for what he does bc logically she knows its wrong, hurting ppl who havent done anything is wrong, but still excuses daisy bc she needs to. Bc that was a fact of her life and it cannot be wrong. In the unknowning she focuses on facts to keep her grounded and to her 'Daisy is a good person' 'Hurting ppl is wrong' and 'If you hurt ppl you are a bad person' are all facts she needs in her life to stay grounded. How she justifies Daisys actions is by saying that the ppl who daisy hurt were worse and it ultimately helps more ppl to have them gone. Not only can she not do that with Jon, as she believes those he hurts are entirely innocent, she also doesnt care to. Shes not close with Jon and she doesnt have 'Jon is a good person' as a fact in her mind, so she doesnt need to work to excuse his actions. Its all or nothing with her, if you hurt and continue hurting ppl, no matter your reason, you need to stop and the only way you will stop is if you are gone. She also has a lot of black and white thinking, gotta love the autism podcast

Martin being a mastermind in s4 also makes sense bc him being stupid is an act. If ppl think your stupid theyll underestimate you and ultimately leave you alone. They wont scrutinize you, they wont attack every part of you, they will brush it off as just a typical normal thing. It will get you ignored and you cannot be hurt if nobody knows who you are or how to hurt you. Its a lonely miserable existence but its one martins used to. Martin rarely drops the mask of 'Sweet but stupid' bc he needs that to survive and tbh he probably learnt that from needing to survive his mom LOL. Martin just knows and picks the best method of getting ppl to like him, which for him is doing exactly what they want and keeping their expectations low so they wont hurt him as much when they mess up. Honestly in s5 I see him as hes finally got to a place where he doesnt care if everyone hates him, bc he has someone who does and thats all he needs. Hes survived the worst of it and he doesnt care anymore

Part of the reason everyone blames Jon is bc he is there and he is the one who is currently causing the most problems. Also they dont actually see the extent that Jon is manipulated. Elias talks and interacts with Jon differently to how he interacts with others. All of them met Jon when he was already at the institute, they meet him when it does actually look like he made his choice, entirely of his own free will. It doesnt help that daisy is there, someone who completed their transformation like Jon did and turned back on it, and she looks like shes managing well enough. She is surviving without feeding so why cant Jon do the same? Also basira does trust elias on some level. She trusts he knows more than she does and can be an asset if used correctly, which definitely doesnt help things. Also the idea of Elias is locked up, he cant affect Jon anymore so why is Jon still acting this way. Elias has very effectively vilified and isolated jon and jon doesnt fight back against it bc he believes it as well. Other ppl are normally right so why wouldnt everyone be right abt him?

Oh my god that was an essay and I absolutely missed sooo much stuff but idk take that - rosette

i literally have nothing to add . rosette sincerely you are insane and i love that . i honestly don't have a lot of s4 opinions that i could really put down , but i also disagree anon . s4 may not have been the best , but it certainly wasn't Bad or not enjoyable to listen to . coming from someone who has listened to the podcast twice now [ and who is planning on a third relisten ] , i really do enjoy s4 as a whole . martin's buildup and his manipulation of peter lukas is honestly one of my favourite parts , because it has been said that martin was originally going to be apart of the mother of puppets ! this shows that part of martin we didn't get to see but has been there . i got distracted and don't remember what else i was gonna type um . whoops - deceit

[hadesisonlyalad]

yk i dont post a lot on tumblr but we all saw that red flags post so im gonna take a moment of ur time to say something on each merc and the red flags listed for them. im doing a read more incase u havent seen the “mercs red flags” headcanon post and it does not flood ur page

both the medic and engie things with “not wanting to spend time with you/wont make time for you” is SUCH bullshit if that was the case they wouldnt even date you. and then ur telling me engie tf2, DELL CONAGHER, would NEVER want to take you on a date? like ever??? u are INSANE. And then sorry to tackle medic and engie in the same paragraph but they had a lot of common “””””red flags””””” that were listed. why would he yell at you. he hardly even yells in general (based off comics and voice lines) if anything hes just kinda a loud person 💀 AND YOU BRINGING UP ONE THING WONT MAKE HIM SUDDENLY IGNORE YOU FOR DAYS LIKE?? he KNOWS hes committing medical malpractice btw. he would not leave you for bringing that up he is WELL AWARE of what hes doing. and we see him CANONICALLY DISCIPLINE ARCHIMEDES IN MEET THE MEDIC, WHY WOULD HE TOLERATE HIS BIRDS ATTACKING YOU????

also why are we listing an addiction as a “red flag” what the fuck is wrong with you. i get not wanting to date someone with an addiction, its a valid concern, but thats SO much more serious than a “red flag” or “ick”??? LIKE ARE YOU OKAYYYY???????

AND THEN HEAVY’S RED FLAG IS “he has trauma” FUCKING. PACK IT UP GUYS IG IF YOU HAVE TRAUMA YOU CAN NEVER BE IN A RELATIONSHIP. (/s) WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.

i’m fine with the miss pauling ones, at least two of them, because yeah, it’s canon that she doesn’t have the most time and i imagine if ur not a merc or work in that area a relationship might be a bit hard? but shes an honest person, i don’t think she’s gonna lie to you. idk im very neutral about the pauling ones, if anything theyre the most in character of this shithole list.

all i have to say for pyro is like. yk those people who hc pyro as aroace except theyre super weird about it? like theyre either infantilizing them or have weird ableist feelings about pyro? yeah thats the vibes im getting. actually wait where did u pull codependent pyro from actually wtf

i think the “tryna live like hes 20” thing for spy is really fucking funny 💀 like go girl go live through that middle age crisis!!/j no but seriously. hes dating you hes gonna think you’re a 10, and even then YOU’RE SAYING IF YOU AGE AT ALL HE’LL LEAVE YOU??? CANON MILF LOVER SPY. “OFF TO VISIT YOUR MOTHER!” SPY TF2. WILL LEAVE YOU IF YOU GET OLD AND AGE AT ALL…? HE LIKES HIS WOMEN LIKE HE LIKES HIS WINE MOTHERFUCKER: AGED. sorry bad joke lets keep going uh- i think the other hcs are garbage too i just really hate specifically this spy hc. just this one specifically.

im not a sniper connoisseur, my friend will is way better versed in sniper’s characterization, but even i know this isnt sniper. “thinks if he argues long enough he’ll win”…? “cannot support you in anything”?!!?! “IF YOU’RE HIS FRIEND AND YOU TWO GET INTO A BAD ARGUMENT PREPARE TO NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN” IM GENUINELY AT A LOSS FOR WORDS. I JUST. I DONT..? WHAT DO I EVEN SAY. I DONT K N O W WHAT TO SAY. BUT IF I DID KNOW WHAT TO SAY I’D BE SAYING VERY BAD THINGS.

i dont think scout is misogynistic- i see why people think that but me personally i just think he has no game and people mistake it as violent misogyny for some reason. but. listen we know scout is a dick we do okay but he loves women. why would he cheat on you.? bro he’d be glad u picked him 😭 AND THEN THE PERIOD THING?? he was raised by a SINGLE MOM do you REALLY think shes gonna raise him and let him think that way about a natural body function. im speaking entirely from the single mom experience and the answer is NO!!!! also how is loving your mother a red flag. being the youngest child is also a red flag, i guess. and having issues with his dad. (/s) also, second verse same as the first: IF HES DATING YOU HE THINKS YOU’RE A 10 WHAT IS SO HARD TO FUCKING GET ABOUT THISHXWHBVWBWBXvqvsbs?1?2!2’wndjwke

uhhh soldier wasnt. here for some reason. so nothing to say about him.

anyway leave ur opinions below. i rly dont wanna get into any tumblr drama or internet drama at all bc it scares me dearly and im always self conscious about leaving a bad digital footprint especially over something as petty as tf2 drama but i cannot stand for this slander I CANNOT‼️‼️‼️‼️ sorry if u also think im mischaracterizing anyone here i only put hours of studying into my fav mercs and thats. abt it,, listen im silly okay

[cloudcountry]

I wanted to ask why you hated Idia so much back then and the reason you adore him?

im gonna start telling people to pay me whenever they ask why i hate(d) idia because ive got this question easily 20 different times and frankly i'm losing money by not accepting payment

im not writing all that again i'm so tired of explaining it over and over ughhhh its not your fault min its just i seem to be a skipping record with how often i've had to repeat the same thing over and over and over for a YEAR and people just KEEP ASKING like ok you want to know about my relationship with idia shroud PAY UP!!!!!

anyways...i havent written about the things i adore about him yet so...

first first first!! the thing that made me gasp the softest gasp i have ever gasped in my life when i first saw it...his pink hair. its a bit superficial i guess but now that i like idia i think he's stunning. he's so hauntingly beautiful, especially when he's just a little bit flustered and the tips of his hair turn pink. what i would do to see his whole head turn pink PLEASE.

i also think his smile is so silly, even though it's usually accompanied by his smug ass voice "should'a leveled up more!" SHUT UP!!!!! i love his sharp teeth theyre so goofy nd silly but in a cute way. honestly i think his scowl is cute too, idk maybe i just like his lips but watching them twist up in annoyance when he rolls his eyes is attractive to me dont ask i dont know either. does that say something about me? maybe. i'm content with not knowing.

onto less superficial things...i just finished reading book six yesterday and it struck me how idia's heart is genuinely so beautiful. he loves so gently and fully, but with devotion that would destroy the world if he let it loose. being loved and treasured by idia is a privilege, because once he lets you in he would do anything for you (just dont fuck it up or i will beat you up im being so serious LEAVE HIM ALONE)

the extent to which he cares for ortho is so beautiful and so heartbreaking. "leave it to your big bro" im dead. everything he does is for ortho to have a safe and fulfilling life and honestly...it kind of seems like idia is trying to pay ortho back in a sense? like you died (because of me), now i will spend the rest of my life mourning you as punishment. he wants to give him the best life possible and thats just so ourgourgouhgohou,,,, his grieving is so complex and yet its so simple. heartbreaking i tell you.

on a lighter note, he's very passionate about the things he's into as well. one thing about figuring our how to like idia was turning my reaction to his condescending jabs from "oh he's such a know it all bitch what the hell people are literally just indulging in his interests what is wrong with him?" TO "oh he's just excited and getting an adrenaline rush, it's going to his head. he's happy. :)" and that was absolutely growth on my part because. ok AUBURN LORE TIME but i used to have a friend who was very condescending and a HUGE know it all (irl IRL IRL) and i think they definitely impacted how i saw idia because i saw bits of them in him. and since they hurt me so much i projected my experiences with them onto idia, so the first time i met him in game i wrote him off immediately and hated him after i saw what he said to others and how he acted.

but one of the many problems with that approach was that i missed the gentler sides of him. the way he goes back to school for ortho. the way he powers through the masquerade social for ortho. his idea of yuu being "valuable emotional support." his love of cats, regardless of how bad he scared grim. his love of star rogue and the way he made the sequel actually happen, albiet unintentionally. i spent so much time resenting him because "of course he's just another one of those." that i didn't stop to notice anything about him except for those bad moments. and of course, i'm not ignoring them now, i just see them differently. i see him differently.

of course i love that he's relatable, and that he's smart, and i love how when he's comfortable he loses his filter and becomes idia shroud instead of just being Scared of them, but i think that's just. social anxiety. and yk what ive said this before but even when i hated him i would NOT stand for anyone coming for his anxiety. like yeah i hate idia shroud but BITCH GET AWAY FROM HIM. YOU DONT KNOW WHAT ANXIETY IS LIKE!!! put me in nrc right now idia shroud needs someone who will yell at people for him and thats going to be ME. i dont care who you are you say shit you are earning my IRE. trey clover got yelled at. no one is safe.

can i just say i love how you said "reason" like there's only one JDSJSDJSD LMAO IDK IT WAS JUST FUNNY TO ME when i love someone i have multiple reasons and i love every part of them, even the bad annoying icky parts (in fact, if you can't love their bad parts too is it even love...? i dont know, we all have different definitions anyway. some might think tolerating their bad parts is love too and we'd both be right.) theres no one reason i just think he's lovely inside and out now. he's an angel, basically.

[lostconductor]

really longwinded fuckass trans oc essay

despite being trans myself i don't really think any of my trans characters actually satisfyingly explore the trans experience to me, which is fine because a trans character can just Exist, but also i do wish i had more characters who's lives and identities are affected by being trans. because my experience so far is that being transgender has affected me in a way where i feel proud to wear the label on my lapel because i've come this far. but i find that in most of my trans ocs' stories, being transgender is either a: destigmatized and/or b: not a problem (hormones and medical transition readily available, taken care of). there's that line between "do i really want to write transphobia into a world where everyone can just be happy?" and "i want a character that's had one of the genuine modern trans experiences" (i say one of and not "the" because there is no The Trans Experience).

then theres project moon world. where gender is and isn't important because gendered bodies and traits do exist, it's literally just the names that are subverted. but (at least as far as i personally know, i dont know anything beyond lobcorp, half of ruina, and everything up to like the lab half of yi sang's canto) we don't actually see or hear any discussion of gender or gender issues, or anything implying that a gender inequality or trans people even exist. which is fine i guess. not the main focus when people are turning into giant monsters and killing each other with giant swords. but it makes it hard to picture any sort of modern experience and relationship with gender in that world that'd match up with anything we relate to. body modification is a commodity and normalized there. you can get surgery to transfer your body into a robot body as long as your brain is intact. you can replace your head now. top and bottom surgery is ancient news, that's just normal. you can replace your head with a triangle now. do people still come out of the closet? does gender even come into play with sexuality anymore? does anyone give a fuck when people are turning into monsters and shit? it sounds like a nice world, where you don't have to constantly be on defense because someone might kill you for being a little too queer, but it also makes it really hard to visualize anything you can relate to without it seeming a little old-fashioned or silly for it to even exist

in my salem world buggy / skuggy being trans was me slapping it on them because i was trans and i wanted to connect with my ocs. i honestly havent revisited them in a while so i forgot a lot but i tried to work it into their stories but mostly ended up thinking longer on it for skuggy as kind of just him crawling out of a bad home situation and him being able to transition finally being his foot down on earth away from that old life. like shedding a shell into a new one. yeah things still suck and i'm heading for a town that's going to kill me, but i finally am on t and i can start saving up for top surgery. but after that point in his life it fades to the background and it's just normal. i think my salem folks are the closest ill get to being able to explore a genuine transgender experience

farrow is weird because the entirety of his life he's been kind of accustomed to playing this certain role and sticking with it, and losing himself in the tough guy facade of uncaring manipulative loner that he just becomes it and doesn't see another way until he's literally killed for being a prick and reduced to a speck that can't hold that facade anymore after being put into his place. as a child he was androgynous and didn't care about it but was still a boy. but the moment he's forced to stop revolving his life around the sole purpose of survival (in fact probably now the opposite) and has to be forced to face what actually lies beneath that facade he's implanted into himself , that nonbinary elephant in the room suddenly gets very very big and loud and he's forced to stare it straight down. i explored his very disorienting confused tiptoes into gender expression and identity mostly in private because i got shy being anything less than funniejokes about my ocs, but it was really just "i think i might be nonbinary but i have a job so i cant think abt that rn" "oh shit im unemployed im fighting these fucking demons" "why did being called this term awaken something in me" "oh god help me". i think i explored and pushed it the absolute most in band au where it's the most similar to modern day reality and just got to make him a little thing. but it's kind of the same thing where while i did get to explore his gender presentation and his thoughts on it and how other people close to him reacted to it or affirm it it i don't ttthink it has a lot of bearing on his character. which is fine i guess. i dont know how i feel about characters who's entire basis is being trans. but i guess that is literally just how it is irl being a stigmatized group you are just Defined by it bc it affects Everything In Your Gd Life. idk where im going with this

idk the thing that prompted this is just thinking about my lobcorp ocs because it is so. HARD. to relate to any of their trans experiences or write anything resembling a modern trans experience with them. they live in a hyperdeveloped future, why Wouldn't they have access to hrt and gender affirming surgeries. why Would it have any bearing on them what gender they are, they have to go die in a Nest or smtng tomorrow. i think a lot about eva and griffin and even like myukeu or roger/mags. i'm trying to go back and think about how it might've been for eva growing up but the most i can think is that he probably just stayed in the closet until he built up the courage and his parents were just "oh okay cool i guess. maybe you wont be limited by the glass ceiling now. finish your damn homework" like just such a anticlimatic end. (but even that response implies any sort of gender imbalance or acknowledgement of gender in this world and honestly, with all the women taking leadership and even mastermind roles in this world there is no way that's anything close to canon. also i dont want to write in fuckin misogyny. but thats the thing in a modern au His Parents Would Fucking THink Like That his identity gender and all takes a backseat to his Purpose. but its hard to write that when Everyone Is Just Like That with gender). like yeah i can write this character juggling work and arranging pharmacy prescriptions and fitting in a daily t shot into his routine and having to recover after top surgery but once he's socially transitioned even if he doesn't pass it doesn't have a bearing or effect on him because It Doesn't Matter Here You're An Employee All The Same. his identity is an afterthought in the corporation. the only time it comes up is when he befriends other trans people and has that "oh hey" feeling of solidarity or when years down the line he's getting freaky with julian and has to explain no an abnormality did not scar me those are surgery scars. im trans. and then it's fine

idk this is a very looseform ramble because in the end i don't know what my actual thoughts are. i guess i yearn for just a mundane trans experience. which is why i'm so drawn to band au / modern aus of any kind because it lets me write these people being Very Mundane Normal People. sure writing them in doomed time loops and turning into giant monsters and harnessing powers beyond comprehension is fun but also i really like writing mundane shit even if its boring to read. why do you think i spamdraw post-lobcorp so much. theyre normal. anyways time to brainrot more over band au than the actual canon

also if there have been any mentions/discussions of gender in projmoon games i would 100% be down to read an analysis or whatever. this isnt a projmoon haterpost believe it or not it's just me thrashing within the nonexistent box i've put myself in.

i like mundane modern trans characters. i like trans characters that look like people i would meet irl and just Exist the way we do irl. i dont care if there is no transphobia in the world i just need to see them being mildly inconvenienced by having to do advanced aerobics to take off their binder or experience gender euphoria after wearing a tank top and jeans. i wanna see them having a sleepover and getting their nails painted for the first time and just going "oh my god i can actually be pretty thats just something i can do". idk. i think i just want to write more trans joy into my stories it's just hard when there's a more prevalent ongoing plot going on (hell timeloop and melting away of identity)

[gamblersdoll]

ITS THE MATTER OF IT … chapter 4

tw: mentions of busts, nasty things.

for a better reading experience, please listen to the following songs “i will possess your heart” by chained to the bottom of the ocean and “kaizoku” by ibaraki on spotify, apple music, or youtube. enjoy!

your heart was racing, but not out of fear.

not by anxiety, but by defense.

“its been a while, y/n.” sukuna said, how could he say that when you havent even met him before? “its been a while since ive seen that face.”

so this is what he kind of looked like. tattoos on his face made yuuji look rugged. but if you had to ruin it, then oh well be it. you should arm yourself, you had thought to yourself. it seemed like sukuna already understood it.

“theres no need to defend yourself, i already said you wouldnt be harmed unless you provoke me.” he chuckled, getting closer and examining you. his eyes felt like he would’ve devoured you, like a damn maniac. he more than likely would have if it was his thing or not.

“the only thing thats changed is your tits.” he said amused. he eyed them, licking his teeth as if wanted to bite them. you wouldve felt your face get hot from the king of curses talking about it….

but you didnt.

“what is it.” you meant to sound like a question was being asked, but because of your tone and demeanor it sounded like you were talking at sukuna, not to. luckily for you, he didnt catch onto that, instead he looked happy that you were at least speaking.

“you know what,” sukuna paused, lowering his gaze. “you surely dont think that i was just making an appearance to say hi, do you? or do you not believe you are the reinca-“

“–i am not some reincarnation!” you growled out, cutting him off. that shouldve been a mistake on your end, but for some reason he didnt care. “im just … me.” you trailed off.

“you look the same way you did a thousand years ago, little one.” he chuckled, practically in your face. you bet he only smelled decent since yuuji was decent with hygiene. “whether you like it or not, you are. eventually, youll grow happy that you are— or maybe just comfortable with the fact that you and i…” he took his finger and pointed back and forth between himself and you.

“we have history. whether the memories or knowledge comes to you, we do. and there isnt anything you can do.” he laughed, his pearly whites on display and he put his hands on your shoulders. “now that you are here though…”

“why didnt you say anything back then.” he asked, when the fuck did he have you cornered? this was bad, real bad.

“yes, because i completely remember what exactly happened during a thousand years ago.” you sarcastically said, rolling your eyes. “remind me of what happened with–“ you made air quotation marks with your fingers, “me and you?”

“we were close, you had feelings i guess yaddy yadda yadda.. you developed hanahaki disease, you died.” sukuna recalled, growing sarcastic as well. “why didnt you say anything to me?” he asked, growing serious again.

“realistically speaking, if i were to admit my feelings to you, you either wouldnt care, youd laugh in my face while laying down with another woman, or would just kill me and move on with your life.” you said in a matter of factly tone, he was a cursed spirit after all.

could he even experience love like emotions at all?

“you could be wrong, considering how strong you were before.” he said, which made your ears ring.

did this motherfucker call you weak?

“are you saying im weak?” you asked, planning to make a move, which could result in sudden death or a missing limb if he felt forgiving.

“not exactly, but since you are reincarnated, we never know if youre rusty or your strength depleted.” he said, taking several steps back. “if you land a blow on me, ill take back what i said, and ill settle with any conditions you may have for me.”

“and if not, then you have to accept that you are what people say you are, and youll have to work under me.” he said—

a challenge.

and a challenge that granted you authority in some areas.

…

…..

……

a challenge that seemed unrealistic!

you had been working your ass off to land a blow, not even bothering to use your domain. you were simply out of breath, your hair a mess from the constant movement.

“this isnt the beginning of you, y/n.” sukuna had said with his hands in his pockets. he was certainly worried you had lost your abilities over a thousand years, but he also thought you were always a teasing woman.

come on, y/n, think.

think, goddamnit, think!

would it.. work on him?

you ran towards him knowing he would throw his hit first—

until black particles floated in the air, forming in the shape of the human skeleton. sukuna’s eyes widen, focusing on the black matter in-front of him, bringing its fist back to throw a punch—

until he realized that you were also landing a blow into his abdomen, now having to deal with a blow in the face but also in his beloved stomach.

a reversed curse technique, is what made you, you. you could separate your soul from your body into black matter, allowing the soul to fight with you, along side of your original body. making you somewhat immortal, only in certain circumstances would it kill you.

only one knew of this technique… only one had done it successfully a thousand years ago, against sukuna, and won.

sukuna had looked away and spat, laughing at nothing. you had landed a blow– two matter of fact. he then looked at you, and smiled.

“what do you feel?” he asked, he knew you had to have felt it, too.

deja vu.

“ive… been here before.” you admitted, watching him smile the wicked grin he carried.

———

“so… what did you tell him?”yuuji asked, eating his burger on your bed that you specifically told him not to do. he had laid down plastic wrap around him though to not ruin your satin silk bedding, which you’d appreciated.

“he doesn’t cause mass destruction, him not killing anyone unless necessary, and how hed teach me some things since i had won.” you said, eating a chicken philly. yuuji had since learned you loved them, occasionally eating steak philly but preferring chicken. so, the boy had brought you one. what a sweetie.

“oh! well.. thats good— hey i think we should sleep, since nobara had planned for us to hang out tomorrow all day.” he reminded, getting up and leaning down to hug you.

when did you both decide to start hugs, was beyond you.

“goodnight!” yuuji said, waving at you and you only replying with a “night.” made him smile. only when he reached his bed was when it went down hill for him…

or uphill?

“can you please stop talking about it?” yuuji asked sukuna, sukuna had decided to breakdown what had happened with you and him. but sukuna was infact a perv— of course he was, hes a curse!

“you dont look at y/n and think about how deep you could go in that–“ yuuji had cut sukuna off,

“stop it!” yuuji had growled out at him, only causing sukuna to laugh uncontrollably at his little outburst. “shes more than that!”

“well of course she is, but you gunna sit here and tell me you wouldnt tap that?” sukuna had asked, growing curious. yuuji had stayed quiet, ignoring the question until he thought about you.

the way you said his name, the way you walk, how you didnt take anything, the way you eat…

the way your shirt would tighten around certain areas of your body, the length of your legs. he had let out a frustrated sigh. he would feel bad if he did anything like that to the thought of you, like he was the biggest perv in the world…

but did you think like that about him, too?

honorable tags: @lisaaannna @coldbreadbouquetworld all reposts and shares are appreciated to see more of my work!

…

…..

(chapter 2 of “THE WARM THE COLD THE SIX coming soon!)

[pen-and-umbra]

sephiroth in first soldier ec blew up a few fan boards. ppl are so divided and raging, like jesus HAVENT y'all see the compilation??

To be fair, I have reservations about Sephiroth's portrayal in Ever Crisis, but my dissatisfaction stems from how it is presented rather than what is presented.

Having said that, I can see why EC Sephiroth could have ruffled many feathers. There is a subset of fans who are... Let's say conservative and OG-oriented, why don't we. These people had grown accustomed to seeing Sephiroth as the original FFVII depicted him: aloof, cold, and arrogant, far above the player's level. And why not, post-Nibelheim Sephiroth essentially merges with Jenova and aspires to rule the world, becoming less human and more of an alien demigod.

However, EC rips that mold to shreds. Suddenly, young Sephiroth isn't the arrogant, too-good-to-talk-to-you edgelord that many assumed he was. Sephiroth is sheltered and inexperienced with other people! Sephiroth is modest! Sephiroth expresses regret! Sephiroth does not cling to his heroic legend; instead, he admits that it is a deliberate fabrication. He laughs! He cracks a joke! He doesn't scream "How dare you touch me?!" and instead lets people comfort him! He's suddenly much more than a kid who thought he was better than everyone else. He's a kid who, like any other orphan, wants to find his family. All of this brings him down from the demigod realm, and he's no longer the figure older fans remember from the original.

You could argue that FFVII had numerous sequels, including Crisis Core, and I would agree. EC does not add anything new to the table; rather, it expands on the ideas presented in CC. Sephiroth in Crisis Core has a similar vibe: he's a little awkward, isn't particularly excited about killing, and isn't conceited about his fame. However, in my anecdotal experience, there were people who either skipped CC entirely or thought Sephiroth was prideful due to how the English localization misconstrued certain lines from the game. Last but not least, some people mistake emotional detachment for snobbishness or callousness; a sad but true fact. They consider characters cold if they do not make an overt emotional display, whether it is concern or support.

Then there are those who simply want villains to be villains. And I can understand such a viewpoint, even if I do not personally share it. An explicit, unsympathetic personification of evil is an ideal foundation to bounce off; it makes it easy for the heroes to juxtapose themselves against. It establishes clear objectives and instills a sense of moral superiority in both characters and the audience, and sets up a clear distinction between what is fair and unfair. Finally, it's easier to fight and kill something you don't recognize as a human being. However, by humanizing Sephiroth EC has effectively removed that option from the players and long-standing fans. It's no longer black and white. It's no longer as simple as "Cloud wins because he's always been a better person" and "Sephiroth loses because he's always been a self-important jerk who deserves it." It's in various shades of gray. Sure, there will be those who despise the game for making the villain sympathetic. It takes away our easy sense of moral superiority by asking us:

would we feel/act any different in villain's shoes?

Ultimately, it could be argued that it is an exercise in empathy. Human beings simply dislike being reminded that the bad guys aren't all that different from us.

[atlasisrq]

omg transbipolar tips please? (if that's ok ofc!) if u do ty sooooo much (and no worries if not! ty anyway 4 being on tumblr :3)

hiii hello :33 heres some transbipolar tips from a cisBP II guything :D

general tips!!

track 👏 your👏 mood 👏!! i'd suggest one mood tracker for the moods/emotions you're actually experiencing (to track progress for example) (i use Daylio, it's great!) & one for the moods/episodes you want to experience! for BP specific moods (mainly depression/mania) i use Bipolar UK!

exaggerate your regular daily moods! if you've been in a good mood all day but suddenly feel a bit down play it up! i've gone from cruising in a very high mood (perhaps even bordering on hypomanic) to absolutely crashing for days because of one bad mood swing :P

hypomania & mania tips!!! (note: ive yet to experience a 100% manic episode, so i dont have as much personal experience there!)

hypomania: hypomania is characterized, for me, by very very high energy, high productivity (but never finishing anything), lots of inspiration & creative drive and feeling wayyy more social than usual!

also, completely losing track of my finances, needing less sleep (like. 2-3hrs & i feel well rested where i usually need 8-9,,), less need for food, almost no actual feelings of hunger (once in a month long ep i only ate One Piece Of Bread per day with the occasional (once a week max) pizza & was "fine") & being more open to drinking (and/or considering trying to get my hands on 'harder' stuff like psychedelics) where i usually straight up dont like alcohol!

i'd recommend going off of what's alr there for you; so if you notice you've been in a pretty good mood recently, say that's a hypomanic episode now! go out a lot (clubbing if you want to/can!), make efforts to meet new ppl & make friends, be very motivated & high energy and do everything (and i mean everything!) in excess (talk fast af & never stop talking, be restless and pace around, constanty occupy yourself w/ smth bcs otherwise you'll be understimulated af)

for mania: crank up everything about hypomania by about 300%. it's like there's a million bees inside your bones, you feel restless cant be still do a thousand things in a day, lose all sense of responsibility & become extremely reckless, either due to your extremely elevated mood or because of delusions or other psychotic symptoms.

oh yeah, psychosis! in a mixed ep i spent a day convinced i had somehow accidentally ingested alcohol (i hadnt)! intrusive thoughts, extreme anxiety around it, physical, olfactory & taste-based hallucinations around it, the whole package.

other BP based psychosis ive experienced: visual hallucinations (insects & spiders for me), jumbled & rapid thoughts (it felt different to adhd fast thoughts it was so weird lol)

see this article (link) for other psychotic symptoms during manic (or depressive!) episodes in pwBP!

i'd probably recommend "picking a theme" for delusions & halluciantions & the like, to make it easier to focus on them? tho i havent experienced psychosis enough to know if i have a 'theme' :P

depressive episodes!!

my least favorite (also, i feel like more things are known abt depression) (ALSO- i have seasonal affective disorder too which influences my BP episodes)

depressive episodes mean extreme lethargy for me. im tired 24/7 no matter how much sleep i get (& i'll be getting way more than usual. 10-12 hrs on average with the occasional 13 hrs 🥶).

very little movement. physical, mental, emotional, metaphyical. i often get stuck in bed, if not physically then mentally. spending my day anywhere but in my bed will feel weird & wrong. i will feel pretty numb/wont have access to my emotions anymore & often compltely stop thinking abt & processing my day-to-day life

^ this usually results in strong amnesia around depressive episodes but that might be a plural thing so. take it w a grain of salt lol

depressive episodes also make me self isolate as fuck. im talking forgoing my physical needs if theres a Chance i'll run into my roommate.

oh, yeah, also i just stop taking care of my basic physical as well as i do when balanced. i need to be starving to be able to get up & eat smth, & god forbid i want to actually cook smth rather than eating frozen pizza or eating out/ordering in

i also usually stop doing anything more creative than daydreaming (hashtag immersive daydreaming gang/silly) but even those are less immersive and less frequent. i'll be artblocked 24/7, have no inspiration or motivation and probably wont even miss drawing :P

& thats it! i hope you can find smth usefull in my rambling :3c /gen

and good luck & have fun with your transition!! you have my full support :D /gen