#and nate is grown ass man who has will of his own

[acecroft]

I never said that it was.

[fookinstevienicks]

3, 8, 19

3. screenshot or description of the worst take you've seen on tumblr

"Keeley is a maternal figure for Jamie." my sibling in christ. what are you and your mama up to. those two FUCK and they LIKE IT. also Jamie already has a mummy. he never took her poster off his wank wall for fuck's sake she ain't a maternal figure for him (now she might be mommy buuuuut i ain't getting into alla THAT)

"Jamie and Georgie's interactions were borderline incestuous in Mom City." y'all can't talk about dismantling the patriarchy and toxic masculinity and turn around and call it "developmentally inappropriate" for a grown man to cuddle his mummy when he's upset and depressed. especially because i know, i KNOW y'all wouldn't have said that if Georgie was Dottie Lasso shaped. y'all didn't say that when Sam was cuddling with Ola. y'all said it because you turned that woman into a sexual object. unpack that shit

edited i forgot the cut lmao

8. common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

Jamie is a secretly self-loathing insecure mess. Did you watch the show? not once, not ONCE has Jamie demonstrated self-loathing or a lack of self-confidence. He had to learn how to not treat other people like shit, not how to hate himself.

Roy is a perfect uwu bean who has never been mean in his life ever ever. again. have you watched this show? in season one he was a whole 38 year old grown ass adult legend in his own time beefing with a fucking 23 year old whose best insult was calling him granddad. be for fucking real. and he didn't even try to captain that team until Ted jedi mind gamed him into it because he was wallowing in self-pity. i love him, but season one Roy was absolutely as unbearable as season one Jamie, the narrative just emotionally manipulated us about it differently. that's what makes him interesting. perfect soft uwu bean boy is BORING stop trying to convince me Roy is boring

Ted is depressed and suicidal and sacrificing his happiness in kansas. Shut the entire fuck up. That man was yelling about how homesick he was for kansas every chance he had for the entire run of the show. Also related is the "ted gave up his entire richmond family and support system to go back to kansas" hmm did he though? Realistically, did he really develop a close knit community and support system in richmond? other than the diamond dogs, whom he routinely ignored? all of his interactions with the wider richmond community (the pub, the shopkeepers, etc) were superficial. he never even learned to drive there. he never put down roots there and he didn't want to, because he wanted to go home to Henry, and he wanted to go home to KANSAS. don't even talk to me about the rebecca soulmates thing you can still be friends with people even if you don't live in the same country

19. you're mad/ashamed/horrified that you actually kind of like…

Nate/Jade. look, my feelings about nate are complicated because they dropped the ball on showing instead of telling, which is bullshit because nick mohammed woulda ATE. i subscribe to the theory that they had a much more expansive storyline planned for Nate and rethought it after being surprised by how vitriolic and racist the hate was after season 2. unFORTUNATELY, that meant they didn't close the loop on what they already did, and tried to fill the gap with a girlfriend, which is a trope i loathe. on the other hand, Jade is fucking awesome and i can't help liking them and the way she affectionately trolls him mercilessly. i'm not even getting into the idiots on this hellsite trying to insist that Jade's behavior towards him was racist. she's a customer service employee who's seen a million insecure men trying to play games in her face and she treated him accordingly until he quit it with his nonsense, and then she gave him a chance because Nate is actually lovely when he's squashing his tendency to be a vicious cruel jerk

[lunar-years]

I do love Roy but I think compared to a lot of other characters, people forgive his behaviour and reactions far more than they should. Even as far back as S1, he is one of the sort of leads so he is portrayed more sympathetically but he is really not a nice man to a whole lot of people. If I had to work with an almost middle aged man who kept yelling and threatening to attack all the 20s somethings in my work place I'd quit. He treats Keeley very poorly in the way he dumps her and reacts to the tape and I KNOW it is because he has a lot of his own internal issues and self worth but thats not an excuse in a grown ass man? Everyone else in the series grows, but Roy is back to acting like almost the same guy at the end (mostly, there are some wonderful moments but for the most part they screwed his character arc over)

I agree with a lot of this. I think Roy is just as bad as Jamie in s1 (and Roy is notably 15 years older and also in a leadership position as Captain, so should have absolutely have done better). He also has a capacity to be prideful, selfish and cruel throughout the series (the breakup, his comment to Keeley about the leak in s3 being case in point, as well as using Jamie as the sounding board for all his anger without actually opening up to Jamie or calling him his friend). He obviously has a lot of complicated reasons for those actions that we as the audience are made to privy to and can understand, but it's also not an excuse for the behavior. Yet both the fandom and the show have a tendency to leave Roy entirely out of the accountability conversation, alleviate him of any faults, give him nondescript half-arsed apology moments and then act like he deserves applause for it (don't even get me started on the 'how could Keeley not take him back after he apologized' and 'jamie ruined his chance with keeley already because he was MEAN to her [but roy totally wasn't and they should get back together xoxox]' crowd) and insist any and all moments of him behaving badly in s2/3 were merely bad writing and 'not the REAL Roy'. it especially irks me when the people who live up roy's arse don't give an ounce of the same grace to the other characters who have also made their fair share of mistakes (Jamie & Nate in particular; Because people do the same shit they do with Roy with Rebecca).

However i disagree with you entirely that Roy ends up right back where he started at the end of the show--I know, I know, the bar scene. Despite that I think Roy arguably had the most successful arc of anyone on the show and he grows enormously. I adored his ending.

[sheshirkat]

Euphoria, unpopular opinion and long rant :

Euphoria is accurate, it's just not a show for teenagers but for people who need to come to terms with their messed up teenagehood, or for adults in general to understand it. It is romanticised but it is in fact the way we tend to see things when we're in this cycle, this situation...we think it's so pretty and we're so cool but then we realise it's ugly as fuck. Maybe sometimes the show doesn't romanticise it, but the viewers do. Maybe some shows aren't meant for everyone. I'd love to see a show like euphoria where the last episode the aesthetic veil falls down and you see just all the disgust and despair the aesthetic covered up, as the characters starts to get it.

(Thought I lowkey defend euphoria in this (mostly I don't defend it's just expressing thoughts and opinions) I still think Sam Levinson has troubles with sexualising teenagers (all of Hollywood really) and stealing other artists' style and art)

Euphoria seems unrealistic until you grasp the concept of toxicity in your own teenage self and feel the unreadable depth of your own loneliness and guilt scratching at your back. No really, euphoria (and skins) is about fucked up kids doing fucked up shit cause they have no idea what the fuck they're doing and they're egoist and wrong and bad people but YOU'RE DOOMED TO BE FUCKING BAD WHEN NO ONE TEACHES YOU HOW TO BE GOOD AND ALL THERE IS IS HURT. Everyone hates Cassie but she's just an accurate representation of a girl trying to extermine herself just to fit in to please a boy she likes cause no man ever took care of her and her mother does the best she can but it's not enough cause she suffers too and she just feels abandonned. Attention seeking is often a call for help. Y'all just hate Cassie cause she doesn't fit into your "nice quiet sad girl" fantasy.

Same for most characters actually. Yeah they "act older than they should", especially with sexuality. But this show is about the shit we do as teenagers when we're trying to be independant and we've internalised trauma and patriarchy and so many shit comes out at this time of our lives.

Idk how to express that euphoria characters are flawed and each of them is deeply wrong in so many ways and it is precisely the point, at least in my opinion. For me, it is not a show for teenagers. It is a show for adults to understand what happened to them, or to teenagers in general, and to warn or to help come to terms with what you've been through and the shitty person you used to be in high school, the shit that happens to you, the shit you've done to others, but also to yourself...Not saying everything is forgivable, Nate's a downright abusive prick, but it's also an interesting character because it questions where morals come from : he has no other model growing up than his father. To change you have to have a shock, especially when you come from a wrong place. And school don't teach you morals, ethics, how to treat people right. You may think it's logic, and so do I, but because it has always been for us. But see further, see reality TV, history, the government, toxic masculinity, forcing kids to kiss their grandparents to "be polite"...violence has mechanism, and these mechanisms are intertwined with the way we grow up. Not saying to not blame grown ass men (and women sometimes) doing awful shit, we all got our responsabilities and abuse is not justified in any way. But the intrications of violence, to me, are something to be questioned and thought about if we want to make the world a better place, cause obviously prison and laws don't do shit about this part of society. Nate's a reflection of toxic masculinity.

Would have more stuff to say but gotta sleep, rant over and good night!

[pussinbootsfearless]

Message about what I have been going through (Need to Vent this out):

Ok, a lot of people on my YouTube career have been giving me a lot of negative vibes and I am gonna do a prep Talk and discuss why I don't want to be associated with these people on YouTube or any other social media because I have trust issues with them and they remind me about the people who I will have to talk about as we are here.

1. The first person I need to bring up is Laura Mocanu, Laura has been stealing other people's artwork and it has been pissing me the hell off because I was her victim apart of her art theft bullshit when she stole my bang Design from my hedgehog when I was making designs of my character but with Good mixtures of my own hairstyle and apparently Mocanu has stolen my hair designs and I decided to not share any of my Artworks online because she is apparently still doing it which I cannot take the risk anymore and will say to Laura Mocanu is to Leave me alone and stop other people's arts and stop being a groomer to fucking adults even your a 16 years old Minor who wants to be sexually abused. So as for that you're blocked and I never want to see your face ever again.

2. The second person I want to bring up is SuperMarioWilliam. William Schall has attacked me and bullied me on YouTube since August 2020 over a project me and Fionn O Connor @foc2006 had created for the first time as a movie Career Actor. He has harassed me and Fionn far enough to the point that Fionn had enough drama and decided to leave YouTube. It was a terrible tragedy for him to leave. William was overlapping me with an actor request and Me and Fionn decided to call the acting requests off the hook and William didn't even get the part and still got mad and angry over my Career because I have more content than he does because William's content is trash and disgusting for me to watch so I had bad histories with him and I had to block him off after he harassed my friend Fionn and so many others I cannot recall. But I just want William out of my sight and two I saw what SuperMarioWilliam looks like in RL and he is a grown ass man who pretended to be transgender which I am disgusted and two I even kept all of his proof videos against me when he said he's a the good one which clearly he is a bad guy towards me. So I'd say he's trying to get attention for fucking views. Even worse is Aries Morgan (Her Now Ex Girlfriend) cut ties after the drama happened and they both never talked ever since which I was happy it was over for them. But when I got attacked by him in 2022 he still didn't learn his goddamn mistakes. So my other Boyfriend, Mason Deacon has to dox him and get him into serious trouble and he pussy out and hasn't came after me ever since. I'm glad that taught him a lesson. So as for that, he is blocked and never to be seen on YouTube ever again. Good riddance.

3. The third person I want to bring up is Nathan Kissel (My Ex Boyfriend)

For people that know about Nate, he was a good guy at first and had a good time with me and my friends especially with my career and all. But apparently I was told by one of the individuals saying he was grooming children behind my back. And yes this is true it really did happen. And two, when we started dating in 2022, he had gotten me into Rule 34 and made me the horniest bitch among all people in my group, it spreaded towards my career and I dunno what I could do at this moment but all I wanted to say is, I'm done with Nate and I wished I never met the guy.... I despise the man.... I even lost my other friends because my old actions that really effected me like a virus. So as for that I had to leave a few communities I was a part of and was never to be seen again because of him making me look like a joke. So I'm done with this drama and I am done, so as for that, I have officially blocked Nate and I don't want to be near him ever again Case closed.

(That is all I can say for this case there is more to come by tomorrow so keep an eye out for more victims on my list tomorrow Stay tuned)

[deputy-buck]

This is a transfer post from my old blog!

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Ahh! Hi! Yes! These are all extremely random, and kinda suck cause I’m bad at articulating what’s in my head- excuse my poor grammar lmao I hope you like them regardless

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- Per Evan's book, he shows his affection physically, he's a very touchy man with those he likes. More specifically he really likes holding hands and cuddling on the couch, petting through their hair and over exposed skin.

- Often calls Nate "Honey", Brad "Babe", Ray "Menace (affectionate)", Walt "Pretty boy", Trombley "Pup", Doc "my old man (you know, like how southern couples call each other)", Stafford and Christeson "Staffy&Chrisy, the kids, the boys". And yet he calls everyone "Sweetheart"

- After he retired out of the Corps, he became a carpenter; decks, bars, kitchens, wardrobes, entertainment centers, wine cellars. He's more into trimwork than anything though. Good trimwork, none of that "oh the painters will caulk the gaps." bullshit. All his joints are tight, all his boards are flush, each miter is cut to the specific corner angle of the room, he doesn't just assume all walls meet at a perfect 90°, because they don't. Ever.

- Drives a ‘77 baby-blue Ford F-300 diesel dent-side. Automatic, flatbed and dual tanks, navy leather bench seat with an ebony stained dash and door panels. Rhino-Lined floor pans were a fucking must for him personally, because even though he does interior units, he hates grungy carpet. (yes this is just my dream vehicle-) 

- He loves working on it with Stafford and Christeson. He doesn’t yell at them for shaking the flashlight but he will bark at them if they put their oily, gritty hands on his paint. He’s too broke to get it refinished, okay, they’re grown enough to know better. 

- Wears cargo shorts but it’s fine, he actually uses the pockets. He always has a paper towel in his pocket too and forgets about it when he puts them in the laundry, so he has to pick off all the little bits of obliterated napkin every time. :)

- Needs glasses, has glasses, hates wearing his glasses. It’s a constant fight between him and Tim, Doc bitches that they were expensive and helps slow down the deterioration of Mike’s vision. Mike bitches that he paid for them and they’re his eyes so he can do whatever he wants with them... He wears the glasses.

- He likes camping a lot, but none of that tent camping shit, he says he’s too damn old to be sleeping on the ground anymore. So he owns a camper! A 2013 Rockwood Roo, it’s light, small, has three soft shell expandable bunks that are all queen-sized beds and a slide-out. He loves it, It’s a pain in the ass sometimes but it fits almost everyone who wants to go so it’s worth it.

- He gets ✨Emotional✨ when any of the guys are a part of a ceremony and have to wear their dress blues or service uniform. Nearly cries when they get promoted, he’s just so damn proud of his boys.

- Refuses to understand how modern kitchen appliances work; Nate’s Keurig is his archnemesis-

18+ under the cut

- A true switch, he likes just about anything that’s put on the table. And even if it’s not his cup of tea, he’s not judgmental at all, he values a lot of communication.

- Really enjoys cock-warming, loves having one of his boys’ mouths on his half-hard cock for hours while he quotes out material and types up invoices for jobs. He’ll rock his hips forward just a tad when he feels them dozing a little too far off, reminding them to keep his cock in their mouth. 

- Praises his partner no matter if he’s topping or bottoming. Seriously, he will say, “Fuck me harder, sweetheart. Good boy.” 

- Him and Captain Patterson have a Thing with Nate and Barrett being Theirs, and so they like to mess with each other by touching the other man’s Boy. All in good fun of course, they know and respect each other’s boundaries. Gunny has more patience than Patterson though, so he can watch as Patterson pets and praises Nate for much longer than Patterson can stand watching Wynn do the same to Rich. It always ends in Patterson reluctantly surrendering Nate back to Gunny and guiding Barrett to a “middle” position, having Rich kneel between Patterson’s legs and tilt his head back until they can maintain eye-contact, which leads to Patterson cupping one hand under Barrett’s jaw to press the back of his head to Patterson’s belt buckle. Gunny and Nate watch, amused and endeared.

- Can and will edge the ever living fuck out of his boys, the one’s who like it.. Brad. Brad really fucking likes it, to the point of whispering pleadingly in Mike’s ear whenever he feels too pent up. Mike’s fine with letting Brad thinking he’s doing any sort of convincing, he likes making it an emotional challenge for Colbert.

- Playfully pulls his rank when Stafford and Christeson “contradict him” in bed, “This is your Gunny you’re talkin’ to, boys.” or “Show your Gunny some fuckin’ respect, boys.” He’d never do it legitimately to make them do something they don’t actually want, but he knows they like the play of it, knows it gets them all flustered.

- Facials, I feel like that’s all I need to say but I want to say more so- Walt kneeling on the concrete garage floor, lips wrapped around Mike’s cock, hands obediently clasped behind his back while Mike thrusts into his mouth as he pleases. Mike is so close when he pulls out of Walt’s mouth, jacking himself off the rest of the way and spilling onto Walt’s face; thick, pearly ropes laid across his flushed cheeks, a risky string of it over the bridge of his nose making the younger man squint slightly. After catching his breath, all Mike can do is grin, “Such a pretty boy, Hasser.” and pat his cheek affectionately. 

- Was the only one to not treat Trombley like a fragile, skittish deer when they started getting intimate. He listened and paid attention to Trombley’s cues of when he was uncomfortable, but he didn’t fret over it. James admitted it was a little scary at first, but it made it easier to be openly affectionate with Mike and the others. Wynn, noticing how quickly Trombley is progressing, started pushing for more, quicker: deep kisses at random times to get Trombley all hot n’ bothered, feeling him up in front of the others at home like it was nothing, semi-graphic flirting in front of the whole platoon because everyone knows and couldn’t give two shits less.

- Capitalizes on Ray being smaller than him by breaking Ray’s brain just from gently wrapping his hand around Ray’s wrist, or placing his hand flat on Ray’s belly while he’s fucking Ray, acting like he can feel his own cock there. 

- Likes it a little too much when Doc wraps a hand around his throat and pulls him up while getting fucked from behind. Especially if they’re in front of a mirror so he can watch his own jaw drop slack and his whole body just utterly melt back against Doc.

[sakebytheriver]

No but I hate those posts so much, they infantalize that man so much, being like "aw the poor baby 🥺 he just needs to learn and remember that Ted is wonderful and perfect and is an uwu good boy ☺️ that does no wrong and Nathan just has to grow and learn to come crawling back to Ted 😁"

Like I agree that Nate messed up and needs to apologize, but like I also think Nate already knows that and is a grown ass man stuck in the consequences of his own actions and is trying to navigate his way out of and through it and I also hope he makes up with Ted and apologizes and they talk, but I also think Ted and Nate are grown ass human beings who both have flaws and both need to look through one another's eyes and understand things from each other’s perspective rather than this dumb fake Nate sympathy that treats him like a child that doesn't know better 🙄

Does anyone else notice that the posts getting the most engagement are the polite, measured white people posts sympathising with poor lost Nate, while the posts made by people of colour who are reacting with visceral emotion to things that mirror their own experiences get, like @sakebytheriver just did, Karens commenting to defend their racism?

[blackstarising]

coming back to this post i made again to elaborate - especially as the ted lasso fandom is discussing sam/rebecca and fandom racism in general. there are takes that are important to make that i had failed to previously, but there's also a growing amount of takes that i have to, As A Black Person™, respectfully disagree with.

tl;dr for the essay below sam being infantilized and the sam/rebecca relationship are not the same issue and discussing the former one doesn't mean excusing the latter. and we've reached the glen of the Dark Forest where we sit down and talk about fandom racism.

i should have elaborated this in my last post about sam/rebecca, but i didn't. i'll say it now - i personally don't support sam and rebecca getting together for real. i believe what people are saying is entirely correct, even though sam is an adult legally, he and rebecca are, at the very least, two wildly different stages of life. for americans, he's at the equivalent of being a junior in college. there are things he hasn't gotten the chance to experience and there are areas he needs to grow in. when i was younger, i didn't understand the significance of these age gaps, i just thought it would be fine if it was legal, but as someone who is now a little older than sam in universe, i understand fully. we can't downplay this. whether or not you think sam works for rebecca or not, even despite the gender inversion of the Older Man Younger Woman trope, whether or not he is a legal adult, i don't think at this point in time, their relationship would work. i think it's an interesting narrative device, but i don't want to see it play out in reality.

that being said!

what's worrying me is that two discussions are being conflated here that shouldn't be. sam having agency and being a little more grown™ than he's perceived to be does not suddenly make his relationship with rebecca justified. i had decided to bring it up because sam was being brought into the spotlight again and i was starting to realizing that his infantilization was more common than i felt comfortable with.

sam's infantilization (and i will continue to call it that), is a microaggression. it's is in the range of microaggressions that i would categorize as 'fandom overcompensation'. we have a prominent character of color that exhibits traits that aren't stereotypical, and we don't want to appear racist or stereotypical, so we lean hard in the other direction. they're not aggressive, they're a Sweet Baby, they're not world weary, they're now a little naive. they're not cold and distant, they're so nice and sweet that there's no one that wouldn't want approach them, and yeah, on their face, these new traits are a departure and, on their face, they seem they look really good.

but at a certain point, it reaches an inflection point, and, like the aftertaste of a diet coke, that alleged sweetness veers into something a lot less sweet. it veers into a lack of agency for the character. it veers into an innocence that appears to indicate that the person can't even take care of themselves. it veers into a one-dimensional characterization that doesn't allow for any depth or negative emotion.

it's not kind anymore. it's not a nice departure from negative stereotypes. it's not compensating for anything.

it's patronizing.

it is important that we emphasize that characters of color are more than the toxic stereotypes we lay on them, yes, but we make a mistake in thinking that the solution is overcorrection. for one thing, people of color can usually tell. don't get it twisted, it's actually pretty obvious. for another, it just shifts from one dimension to another. people of color are still supposed to be Only One Character Trait while white people can contain multitudes. ted, who is pretty much as pollyanna as they come, can be at once innocent and naive and deep and troubled and funny and scared. jamie can be a prick and sexy and also lonely and also a victim of abuse. sam, however, even though he was bullied (by jamie, no less), is thousands of miles away from home, and has led a protest on his team, is usually just characterized as human sunshine with much less acknowledgement of any other traits beyond that.

and that's why i cringe when fandom calls sam a Sweet Baby Boy without any sense of irony. is that all we're taking away? after all this time? even for a comedy, sam has received a substantive of screen time over two whole seasons, and we've seen a range of emotions from him. so as a black person it's hurtful that it's boiled down to Sweet Baby Boy.

that's the problem. we need to subvert stereotypes, but more importantly, we need to understand that people of color are not props, or pieces of cardboard for their white counterparts. they are full and actualized and have agency in their own right and they can have other emotions than Angry and Mean or Sweet and Bubbly without any nuance between the two. i think the show actually does a relatively good job of giving sam depth (relatively, always room for improvement, mind you), especially holding it in tension with his youth, but the fandom, i worry, does not.

it's the same reason why finn from star wars started out as the next male protagonist in the sequel trilogy but by the third movie was just running around yelling for REY!! it's the same reason why when people make Phase 4 Is the Phase For Therapy gifsets for the mcu and show wanda maximoff, loki, and bucky barnes crying and being sad but purposefully exclude sam wilson who had an entire show to tell us how difficult his life is, because people find out if pee oh sees are also complex, they'll tell the church.

and the reason why i picked up on this very early on is because i am an organic, certified fresh, 100% homegrown, non-gmo, a little ashy, indigenous sub saharan African black person. the ghanaian tribes i'm descended from have told me so, my black ass parents have told me so, and the nurses at the hospital in [insert asian country here] that started freaking out about how curly my hair was as my mother was mid pushing me out told me so!

and this stuff has real life implications. listen: being patronized as a black person sucks. do you know how many times i was patted on the back for doing quite honestly, the bare minimum in school? do you know how many times i was told how 'well spoken' or 'eloquent' i was because i just happen to have a white accent or use three syllable words? do you know how many times i've been cooed over by white women who couldn't get over how sweet i was just because i wasn't confrontational or rude like they wrongly expected me to be?

that's why they're called microaggressions. it's not a cross on your lawn or having the n-word spat in your face, but it cuts you down little by little until you're completely drained.

so that's the nuance. that's the subversion. the overcompensation is not a good thing. and people of color (and i suspect, even white people) have picked up on, in general, the different ways fandom treats sam and dani and even nate. what all of these discussions are converging on is fandom racism, which is not the diet form of racism, but another place for racism to reveal itself. and yeah, it's uncomfortable. it can seem out of left field. you may want to defend yourself. you may want to explain it away. but let me tap the sign on the proverbial bus:

if you are a white person, or a person of color who is not part of that racial group, even, you do not get to decide what is not racist for someone. full stop. there are no exceptions. there is no exit clause for you. there is no 'but, actually-'. that right wasn't even yours to cede or waive.

(it's also important to note that people of color also have the right to disagree on whether something is racist, but that doesn't necessarily negate the racism - it just means there's more to discuss and they can still leave with different interpretations)

people don't just whip out accusations of racism like a blue eyes white dragon in a yu-gi-oh duel. it's not fun for us. it's not something we like to do to muzzle people we don't want to engage with. and we're not concerned with making someone feel bad or ashamed. we're exposing something painful that we have to live with and, even worse, process literally everything we experience through. we can't turn it off. we can't be 'less sensitive' or 'less nitpicky'. we are literally the primary resources, we are the proverbial wikipedia articles with 3,000 sources when it comes to racism. who else would know more than us?

what 2020 has shown us very clearly is that racism is systemic. it's not always a bunch of Evil White Men rubbing their hands together in a dark room wondering how they're going to use the 'n-word' today. it's systemic. it's the way you call that one neighborhood 'sketchy'. it's how you use 'ratchet' and 'ghetto' when describing something bad. it's how you implicitly the assume the intelligence of your friend of color. it's the way you turned up your nose and your friend's food and bullied them for it in middle school but go to restaurants run by white people who have 'uplifted' it with inauthentic ingredients. it's telling someone how Well Spoken and Eloquent they are even though you've both gone to the same schools and work at the same workplace. it's the way you look down at some people of color for having a different body type than you because they've been redlined to neighborhoods where certain foods and resources are inaccessible, and yet mock up the racial features that appeal to you either through makeup or plastic surgery.

it's how when a person of color behaves badly, they're irredeemable, but a white person performing the same act or something similar is 'having a bad day' or 'isn't normally like this' or 'has room to grow' and we can't 'wait for their redemption arc', and yes, i'm not going to cover it in detail in this post but yes this is very much about nate. other people have also brought up the nuances in his arc and compared them to other white characters so i won't do it here.

these behaviors and reactions aren't planned. they aren't orchestrated. they're quite literally unconscious because they've been lovingly baked into western society for centuries. you can't wake up and be rid of it. whether you intended it or not, it can still be racist.

and it's actually quite hurtful and unfair to imply that concerns about racism in the TL fandom are unfounded or lacking any depth or simply meant to be sensational because you simply don't agree with it. i wish it was different, but it doesn't work that way. i'm not raising this up to 'call out' or shame people, but i'm adding to this discussion because, through how we talk about sam, and even dani and nate, i'm yet again seeing a pattern that has shortchanged people of color and made them feel unwelcome in fandom for far too long.

coach beard said it best: we need to do better.

[inkandpen22]

California Dreamin’ (2/?)

Pairing: Topper x Female!Reader

Word Count: 1k

Warnings: underage drinking, mild violence, drug use 

Part Summary: Y/N and Topper have lunch together and later attend the Cameron’s party. 

Masterlist

Y/N

After surfing for most of the morning, I've grown tired. The waves here are so different than in Malibu. I run out of the water onto the sand, tossing my hair to the side. I hadn't noticed Topper on the beach in the middle of a morning run until I return to my belongings. He slows to a stop once he reaches my stuff. 

"Morning," I greet with a warm smile. 

"I could see you down the beach. You're really good!" 

"Thanks! Years of practice." I giggle. 

He raises a brow. "What are you up to later?" 

"Well, there's the party at the Camerons since Ward and Rose are gone for the weekend. You're going right?" I ask. 

"I was thinking of making an appearance." He remarks wittily. "You free until then?" 

I shrug. "As a bird." 

"Would you want to get some coffee or something?" 

A faint blush forms on my cheeks. "Sounds good." 

____________________________________

Topper

Sitting at the small table outside of the cafe, I can't help but admire her as she talks about California. All changed out her bathing suit and into a cropped Boston band T-shirt and ripped up Daisy Dukes. Half of her hair is tossed up into a bun, the rest hanging loose in waves over her shoulders. She doesn't notice my absentmindedly listening as I analyze every inch of her, even her white Converse high tops, the laces so stretched that she can tie them around her ankles multiple times. 

The waitress interrupts my daze and takes our orders. 

"Regular black coffee and farmer's breakfast please," I request. 

"Lavender tea and granola acai bowl, please. Thank you so much." Y/N smiles, handing her menu to the girl. 

What the hell is acai anyway? Does anyone know? Because I don't. 

When her eyes meet mine, she giggles. "What? Are you gonna start calling me Granola Girl?" 

"I didn't even know how to pronounce acai until you said it," I admit. 

"You should try it! It's very good for you!" She encourages. 

I make a 'yuck' sound and cower. "Isn't it purple?" 

"Maybe... Don't let that scare you!" She giggles. "Branch out, Thorton." 

"Okay, I'll try it, but only because you're peer-pressuring me!" I laugh. 

After a few minutes, my coffee and her tea arrive. Almost immediately, she reaches for the bottle of honey on the table and squeezes some in. 

"Did you know it takes bees almost a month to produce honey?" She asks. "A little fun fact."  

I glance up from stirring my coffee right as she brings her honey-coated finger to her mouth and begins to suck on it. Her eyes meet mine innocently, not suspecting of my thoughts. Fuck me. 

I swallow hard and quickly return my focus to picking up my coffee. 

"Sarah mentioned a party happening at The Boneyard tomorrow. What's that?" She asks with furrowed brows. 

"It's uh... it's place on The Cut," I stammer, still caught off guard by the honey incident. 

She frowns as takes a sip from her tea. "Why is it called 'The Cut'?" 

"It's where Pogues live. It's just the less valuable part of the island," I do my best to describe. 

"Pogues?" 

"The people from The Cut." 

"Do you all from your neighborhood have a name?" 

"They call us Kooks." I shrug. 

"At least it's fair. Sounds rather West Side Story," she teases with a giggle.

The waitress appears with our food. My plate is rather basic, All-American breakfast. Y/N's is a symbol of the trendy West Coast. In summary, we fit our stereotypes. 

I'm hesitant to say what I'm thinking, but Y/N doesn't know the island as I do. She hasn't met any Pogues and should be careful. "You should stay away from Pogues. They have a tendency to steal and lie." I advise. 

Her face falters, apparently, they don't have stuff like where she's from. "Oh... wow... noted." 

"Yeah, I would stay close to Rafe or me tomorrow night," I suggest, genuinely concerned for her and partially for my own benefit. 

She smiles, taking a bite of her smoothie bowl. "Will do."

"Our friends will be there so you should be okay, but Pogues will be too. Tourons too."  

She laughs. "Is that what you call tourists?" 

I suppress a grin and drag my tongue across my lower lip. 

"So I'm a touron?" She questions with amusement. 

My eyes grow wide and impulsively, my hand travels across the table to land on hers. "No, no! Not you!" I then notice my hand resting on hers. Oh geez, I'm messing this up! "Oh.. uh.. sor-" 

Calmly, she glides her hand over, allowing our fingers to interlock. She brings them down to rest on her lap under the table. "You're fine, Topper!" She giggles. "You apologize too much. Relax. It's just me." 

A smile forms on my lips and I nod. She's right, it's her, she's not scary. She's kind and understanding, more relaxed than anyone I've ever met. 

"Here, try this." She scoops up some of her smoothie bowl, picking up some granola and fruit on top. She guides the spoon into my mouth and I try it. 

I nod, processing the experience. "Okay, I'm a fan." 

"I knew you would be," she grins, giving my hand a faint squeeze. 

The remainder of the meal, on the walk to the car, throughout the drive, and until I dropped her off, we hold hands. It felt so natural and right, as though our hands were made for each other. It was difficult to let go, to say the least. 

__________________________________________________

Well into the party at the Cameron's, Rafe challenges me to jump off the roof into their pool three stories below. Kelce gets him fired up, encouraging the challenge. Y/N and Sarah innocently stand nearby on the balcony, smoking a joint together. I would be lying if I said I haven't been watching Y/N all night. That yellow bikini should be illegal. 

"I'll do it if Y/N does!" I compromise. 

Rafe grins wickedly and I instantly regret what I said. He gets up from his spot on the couch and jogs over to the girls. He rests his hand on Y/N's lower back, dangerously close to her ass. I swallow hard, doing my best not to make a scene. As they talk and laugh, he glides his arm around her. The way she looks at him so intently, makes me wonder if it's solely friendly. Then again, Y/N has the ability to make everyone feel like they're the most important person in the world. 

"Oh, you're on!" I hear her tell him. 

Rafe takes her hand and brings her over. "She's down!" 

The next thing I know, Y/N and I are standing on the roof of the Cameron's house. 

"Scared?" I ask her as I peer down at the pool below. People stand with their heads tilted back, cheering for us to jump. 

She shrugs. "It's just like cliff jumping. I do it all the time back home." She slips her hand into mine. 

My eyes flicker down to our interlocked hands and an idea pops into my head. I tuck my arm behind her legs and scoop her up. 

She instantly flings her arms around my neck and squeals. "Topper!" 

"Ready?" I chuckle. 

"On three!" She giggles nervously. 

I nod and begin to count. "Okay! One! Two!" I jump and cheers ensue louder. 

Y/N screams and clings to me. Her face is hidden within the curve of my neck. Within seconds, the cool pool water consumes us. We break apart and I kick to the surface. When I pop out of the water and wipe my eyes, I find Y/N close by. She swims over to me, smiling brightly. I snake my arm around her and guide her legs around my waist. 

I point to her and announce to the cheering crowd. "This is the coolest girl in the OBX!" 

________________________________

Rafe

The party has died down, the sun threatening to rise in two to three hours. Topper and Kelce finish a game of pong outside and Sarah crashed a while ago. I watch dazed as Y/N takes another hit from the joint and hands it to me. She sits back onto the couch and leans into my side, resting her head on my shoulder as I take another hit. Once there's nothing left but ash, I set it down on the ashtray on the side table. I rest my now free hand on Y/N's knee as she rests against me.  

"So soft..." I mumble, rubbing my thumb over her skin. 

Y/N rises off my shoulder, resting her chin against it. I turn my head, meeting her red and dilated eyes. She smiles softly at me. 

I lift my other hand to caress her cheek. "So beautiful..." 

She stares into my eyes and I'm left wondering what's going on inside her head. My eyes flicker down to her lips and I want to kiss her. Following my instincts, I lean in. 

Shaking her head, she presses a hand to my chest and moves away. "Rafe, don't." 

I persist, scooting closer to her. "Why not? It's not like you're still with Nate," I chuckle. 

"We're friends..." She reminds me. 

I press against her shoulder to urge her down onto the couch. "We could be more." I lean in to kiss her again. 

Within seconds, Y/N's palm flies across my cheek with a smack. "Jesus Rafe! I said no!" 

I hiss, my hand covering up my cheek. 

Y/N takes the opportunity to slip out from under me. She storms off toward the staircase. I slam my fist against the back of the couch. Damn, that slap fucking hurt. She really knows how to hit! Suddenly, Topper and Kelce appear from outside, laughing and talking about the party. I pull out my vile of coke from my pocket, ready to release the pain in my face. 

"Where did Y/N go?" Topper chuckles as they plop down on the couch with me.  

"I don't know, bed? Who gives a fuck," I grumble, pouring myself a new line on the table. 

“What’s with the attitude?” Kelce questions. 

“Nothing, man. Just don’t care about her.” I hide behind a disdained expression. 

________________________________

Masterlist

Tags: @starkeythinker @bethii1 @thegunnerkelly @cc13723things@hockeybabe87 @jolomez @plutooryectors

[alexromero]

i’m glad i’m not the only one that thinks that this sam/rebecca storyline is not the best of ideas for either character. also i’m not a fan of how many people who want them to get with each other despite the very glaring reasons why they shouldn’t pursue a romantic relationship. age gap (nearly 30 years), power imbalance (boss/employer relationship), and the main reason that neither of the characters would look great to the team or to the general public?? like it is just a scandal waiting to happen.

if this was gender swapped, a lot more people would not be wanting this to happen, and i don’t think people are considering this.

There's a lot here that is being unsaid and turned into one dimensional "woke" rhetoric.

First, there's the idea that Sam is being "infantilized" as a black man by viewers who find this relationship wrong. First of all, it seems like we all want to forget that historically, black men have never been given the chance to be young. Black men as disproportionally seen as "adult" from a very early age, which is what makes this entire scenario so uncomfortable. Sam is still very fucking young. He is only 21 years old and he should be allowed to idealize love. He should be allowed to express love in a young "Romeo and Juliet" kind of way because that's not something that black men on television have been allowed to do. No one is infantilizing Sam because ... he is a kid. He acts like a kid his age should be acting. Have we all forgotten what it was like to be 21?

Second of all, Sam's identify as a black Nigerian boy is important his entire characterization. I think the show has done more than enough highlight this. The colonial implications are there. The show is not shying away from them. I think that by setting this young kid with an 47 year old white, rich, powerful ENGLISH woman, it's fair game to discuss this added layer to the inherent moral problems with the relationship. This is not about "which relationships are opposed and which are not." People voicing concerns over this relationship are not objecting because they're an interracial couple but because the power imbalance is entrenched in the racial historical background of each character. For the love of god, Rebecca is the goddamn owner of the entire team and Sam is just one of its players. Even Ted, who is Rebecca's employee, holds an even higher position of power than all the players, Beard, Nate, Higgins, etc.

To willfully ignore the age, power and just personality gaps in this relationship its to ignore the characterizations of each character. Rebecca comes from a relationship where her husband was 20 years her senior. Where she was emotionally manipulated into doing things she probably didn't want to do. She is also a grown ass adult, who is the owner of the club. She has a responsibility to every single person who works for the club and engaging in this relationship with Sam, especially after what she did for Sam and Dubai Air, is putting everyone else in jeopardy. It's irresponsible and childish. And to be completely honest, it's reductive. It's already been done in season one. Because of her own selfish feelings, she almost sabotaged not just one man's entire life after moving to a new country but that of every single person who works at Richmond. Higgins was threatened by Rupert to help him hide his affairs if he wanted to keep his job that helped keep a roof over his, his wive's and six kids.

There's this intersection about how white people in power, even Rebecca who is usually well intentioned and does care for everyone there, have the luxury to indulge in their "live, love, laugh" soul searching moments but others don't. If everyone finds out what's happening between Sam and Rebecca, Sam could lose all credibility in his attempt at stopping a corrupt government. He could lose his family's respect. He could lose so much more than Rebecca. Sure, she loses the club but she still has the generational wealth she comes from.

My stance is one that comes from a pragmatic point of view and emotional. This relationship just doesn't make sense at all and it seems to only work to "shock" viewers into this season of Empire Strikes Back theme. However, I think it's just shitting on its lead female character and on its prominent black character. It's setting them up for failure. If you can sit there and tell me that age gaps don't matter, than you are truly not paying close attention to what triggered all of this show into motion: Rebecca's marriage.

I am resentful that Ted gets to be the sympathetic character once again and is just this lovable Southern man with anxiety and depression (which is valid.) But I'm gonna y'all to hold him to the same standard that Rebecca will be held at in the upcoming episodes. Because as a grown ass man, he should also take more responsibility for the things that happen because he refuses to take care of himself and listen to the other people in his life.

[coffeesuperhero]

leverage fic recs

So, I needed a better organizational system than my AO3 bookmarks (boy do I miss delicious!), so I’m just going to start a post for myself here and reblog it occasionally as I add to it. Most (all?) of these are OT3 fics, because I am who I am and I read what I read. If you want non-OT3 fic recs, I am not your person. Probably you have read these, but if you haven’t, what are you waiting for! 

Gen: 

01. The Fake Geek Boy Job, by shinealightonme.  It’s casefic at a fan convention and Eliot has to cosplay. In spandex. Go read it and enjoy yourself, already. 

Beautiful shippy fic (everyone is together/small moments/slice of life): 

01. The Three Rings Job, by HugeAlienPie.  Sophie POV. The OT3 at Nate and Sophie’s wedding, where Nate and Sophie are not aware that there is now an OT3. It’s soft. And so sweet you could serve it as dessert. And it has the best boat name for a Nate and Sophie boat in the world. 

02. hacker/hitter/thief/home, by AtlantisRises.  A collection of short OT3 fics that hit you just right in the feels, in the best way. 

03. Nothing’s Exactly What We Need, by BabylonsFall. The OT3, on vacation. 

Everybody is together and also there’s a con: 

01. Covenants, Conditions, & Restrictions, by page_runner.  We love a good long fic where the OT3 help an old lady and con an HOA, because HOA’s are the worst. This fic also gives me deeply hurt feelings about the team having to leave Portland, which I know in my heart is probably the Way of Things, but which I will never write myself because heartbreak. But this deals with that reality so beautifully, and it’s a good con, too. 

Getting together OT3:  01. just want you close, by biblionerd07.  Eliot-POV, post-rundown, man am I a sucker for Eliot-POV stories where Parker and Hardison just...love the hell out of him, and this is just a lovely, careful, sweet version of that. 

02. international small arms traffic blues, by ftmsteverogers.  Eliot POV, character study + get together fic. Makes you very sad for Eliot, and then happier for Eliot. And I’m a sucker for anytime someone has to call Sophie for advice. 

03. So Come On, Avalanche, by elysiumwaits.  It is Eliot POV snowed-in at a cabin OT3 getting together fic, so idk what more you need to know to read it. 

04. Rings a Bell, by venilia.  Eliot wakes up with amnesia and thinks he’s married to Hardison and also has a Parker, it’s silly and sweet. 

05. The Thunderous Roll of a Tropical Sea (the moonlit memory I can’t seem to lose), by phnelt. **content notes: canon-typical violence + Mature! grown and sexy content ahoy!** I have classified this as a “getting together” story, because ultimately that is what happens, but it’s probably more like “eliot getting his shit together, and now they’re all together,” which is my favorite flavor of OT3 getting together fic, anyway. It starts out a little sad, because gasp! They were together but they split up!! But it has a happy ending. It also has fake marrieds, my favorite trope of all time. Eliot feeding Hardison strawberries and playing with his fake husband on a beach while Parker watches? Please. 

06. Happy Meal, by @leiascully Listen, I admit that I am biased, because my wife wrote this for me, but it is this really hilarious flirting-over-the-comms-pre-OT3-sort-of-getting-together story, and I laughed, and it was great, so you should enjoy it, too. 

07. Oklahoma’s Next Top Model, by Hedgehog-O-Brien (Roshwen).  Hardison POV. This fic has the greatest tag of all time, which is: “Title not entirely accurate bc Eliot's clearly a bottom but who cares“ and I knew I was in good hands solely on that basis before I read a word of the fic. Tbh I put this in this “getting together” category because I feel like it’s heavily implied at the end that there’s a getting together situation happening, but like, that’s not why you read this fic. You read this fic for the ridiculously over the top OT3 photoshoot of your wildest dreams. You will laugh. You will be entertained. Enjoy!

08. Fifty Fake Dates, by calico_fiction. WIP, Hardison POV. nb: This hasn’t been updated in a minute but a) I too have WIPs that take a long-ass time between updates, if this updated in ten years I would still be excited to read it and b) the chapter that’s up is such a delight to me that I really think it’s worth a read even if this is all of this story the author wants to post. It’s a great Hardison POV with some delicious pining and fake Hardison/Eliot dating, which is my jam. 

09. For Real, by BurningTea. It’s hard to do an accidental marriage in this canon, but this fic did that! Hardison’s technical expertise goes a bit awry and everybody has to have....a talk. About feelings. 

Hurt/comfort: 

01. Dig Deep, by BurningTea.  Eliot has to dig his own grave and climb into it. It hurts a lot!!!! And then it’s comforting. So, exactly what it says on the tin. Good character observations and nicely written, hurts exactly right and comforts exactly right, too. 

Hot (nsfw, 18+, Mature, grown and sexy content for grown and sexy adults): 

01. Don’t Come Late, by @leiascully.  It’s just...the OT3, having really hot sex. That’s it, that’s the review. (The writing is delightful and there’s like, funny stuff in with the sexy stuff, which is real life and always nice to see, you know?) 

02. Take the Leap, by Penknife.  Hardison POV, first time OT3 threesome/verbal domination. The characterization in this is just **chef’s kiss** perfection. Funny, and hot. My favorite combo. 

03. The Post-Rundown Job, by DelektorskiChick.  Eliot POV, demi-Parker, mostly Eliot/Hardison but Parker’s participating in her own way. I’m a sucker for some good sexy post-injury care and this is right after Rundown, so it checks that box big time. 

04. In Sync, by monsoon_moon. Eliot POV, first time OT3some. 

Character studies: 

01. Dawning, by @darkfinch. Eliot POV, mind all the warnings.  This (read with its sequel, a WIP linked below) is probably one of my favorite Leverage pieces in existence? It is just the most beautiful, dark, horrible look at Eliot-works-for-Moreau you could hope for, except that also there’s a sequel called Reverberate, and that is also perfect and intense and really digs into what’s happening in Eliot’s mind and life during s3 after Nate drops the “we’re going after Moreau” bombshell. Both of these stories are painfully perfect and believable and real and I love them with my whole heart. The story structure and writing on both of those pieces is just excellent and the characterization is pitch perfect, and along with the stress and trauma you really get some just fantastic character moments. Idky you’re reading my review instead of the story tbh go read that, thanks!

02. Ten Prides in Portland, by @leiascully.  I put this as a character study because it is one? It’s about queer shit, and learning to be part of a community of queer people, and learning that you can be a mentor and a role model for other queer people even if you don’t have your own stuff figured out. I am extremely biased because this is my wife and I got to watch this story grow into existence every day, but I think it’s a really beautiful look at the queer community broadly, all the people who fit under the umbrella, and belonging. It’s sweet and funny and beautiful, and I really needed to feel like I was at Pride this year, and this helped. 

03. Different, by @leiascully. Hardison POV. Honestly this just made me want to go find baby Hardison and hug him for a really long time. 

04. The Twine and the Things We Bind, by @darkfinch.  WIP, H/C, big on the H. Parker and Hardison taking care of an extremely fractious, extremely injured Eliot Spencer is my jam.com forever and this is all of that with beautiful characterization and writing. Also some of the best action scenes I’ve read in a while. I do not write action At All and this does it SO WELL. 

05. A Kiss for Luck, by AlannaOfRoses.  Parker POV. A good look into Parker’s thoughts on luck during the Rundown Job/feelsy flashbacks. 

OC/Outsider POV: 

01. Let’s Go Steal a Protege, by @innytoes. WIP.  Gosh I adore this. It’s found family shenanigans from an outside-the-OT3 perspective. Jamie, the main POV OC (nonbinary rep!!), is a fucking delight of a human and their interactions with the super!married OT3 are all incredible. It is sweet and funny and sometimes sad but almost always in a happy tears kind of way, because it’s about finding a family. And there are so many genuine laugh-out-loud moments in this fic that I reread it a lot lately or think of it when I need something to lift my spirits. (There is a bit in chapter six with some thrift store purchases that I just absolutely lose my shit at every time.) I very badly want this story to just be canon tbh. Petition for that. 

AU’s

01. The Out of This World Job (Or, Per Furtum Ad Astra), by pathera.  It’s a job, but it’s IN SPACE. Parker, Hardison, & Eliot find a spaceship; shenanigans ensue. Beautifully in character, some poignant character moments, awesome writing, and just a really vivid world. 

02. Plastic Pearls, by BabylonsFall.  Kidfic! Various POV. Parker and Hardison move in across the hall from single-dad Eliot. I adore this, it is sweet and soft and everything you could hope for in a story where Eliot is raising a smol Molly. 

[sebbytrash]

Through His Eyes - Part Eighteen

Summary - Bucky arrives at the compound to start afresh but you and him have a somewhat colorful past, colorful being that you met him once before as The Winter Soldier and it did not go well. New beginnings, yeah? If you can learn to forgive.

Pairing - Bucky x Reader

Warnings -   Angst, denial, self loating, all the sad stuff guys. Also, weird breakfast habits courtesy of one Clint Barton

A/N - Hi, it’s me, trying not to act on the need to reintroduce myself here lol. Anyways, sorry its been forever, again. I fix? Feedback loved and appreciated. <3 HUGE thank you to my other half @manawhaat​ for taking my scraps and forcing me to do better. I love you. 

Through His Eyes Masterlist

"Auntie Mallow, what happened to your face?" Nate asks as soon as he spies you from his place at the kitchen table, running over to tackle hug you. "Were you attacked? Was it by Ninjas? Did you kick butt?" 

"Woah, woah, one question at a time, little man," you say, and then pretend whisper, "Twelve of them, butts all kicked."

"Cool!" He shouts, disappearing into the house with a few karate chops.

"Yeah, he's going through a Ninja phase at the moment. He's gonna be dining out on that story for a week." Laura explains, a cup of cocoa already in your hand and hers giving your bruise a once over, a fond smile at the edge of her lips. 

"Training accident with Steve. Nothing exciting." She hugs you anyway, warm and kind and everything you need. Laura and her magical hugs, they always soften the edges of even the sharpest of pains. It's why Sam so often referred to her as Mother of All, because she just made you feel seen, loved. 

"I'll be upstairs putting the monsters to bed. Shout if you need me." She gives Clint a kiss on the cheek on her way past and his eyes linger on her a little longer as she leaves. Your spine aches from the way he looks at her, a lifetime of love poured in a single glance. 

He turns back to you, looks at you in an entirely different kinda way but it doesn't make you ache any less, you wonder if your story is leaking out of your eyes like a kaleidoscope of words and feelings, projected for any and all to see. Laid bare in look alone. He looks at you long enough for you to regret coming, not wanting to deal with any of the mess you'd created just yet, but he surprises you by instead asking, "You hungry?" 

He makes you a burger that you readily inhale and then realise just how long it had been since you'd eaten. Clint asks nothing, expects nothing, simply fills your belly and earns a few shaky laughs before ushering you to the barn where a warm bed was waiting. 

"This place looks a lot nicer than the last time I stayed here." You smile at the memory and he rolls his eyes back.

"Well, we had some time to convert it to a guesthouse. Not like the last time you and Sam showed up, drank the entire contents of my booze cabinet and passed out in the field." He hugs you again and backs up towards the door, "You're lucky I dragged your asses in here instead of letting you wake up a few fingers short." 

“My fingers are grateful.” You laugh, and wiggle them a little, then add, “My back, not so much.”

“Goodnight, marshmallow.”

“Goodnight Clint.” 

You wait till he leaves before letting the smile slide right off your face, exhaustion tugging on your bones with weary determination that you're almost grateful for. It means, if nothing else, that sleep might come easy and the pain might subside even for a few hours. You change into the clothes Clint loaned you, sweats and an old S.H.I.E.L.D t-shirt, and dump your stuff on the chair. You fish your phone out of your pocket to send Sam a quick text but realise the battery is dead. Well, if you weren't in trouble before, you sure are now. Tomorrow's problem, you suppose, before sliding into the lavender fresh bed and curling up on your side. Counting your blinks and willing the day to end, desperately trying not to notice how much you miss his scent on your sheets.

When sleep finds you, it comes armed with weapons of anguish laden eyes or the defeated sigh of your name, and your heart tears itself in two when the sighs turn silent. It's a punishment, you think, when you wake that morning no longer sure if you can stand to lose him from your dreams, too. You’ve lost most of the skin around your thumb nail by the time you work up the energy to go to the house, the blood that leaks out of the worried away skin is like a physical representation of your heart. You hate it.

You don’t. 

The kitchen is unusually silent when you enter and you wonder how long you spent avoiding leaving your bed when you spot Clint at the counter, eating happily, but horribly, from his bowl. He smiles and tips his spoon, then tips it towards the empty bowl and cereal packets waiting on the counter for you. A cereal buffet. 

“Mornin’,” you say, pouring out the sugariest one you can find, “Is that...is that all the cereals in one bowl?”

“Yup,” he grins, “Laura and the kids are away to swim in the lake, so I get to do this.” He scoops a mishmash onto his spoon and has the indecency to enjoy it. Disgusting. 

“That is… honestly, I don’t even have words.” You do everything you can not to stare at the grey looking milk that is swirling around in his house of horrors of a bowl. 

He fills in the silence with some nonsense, a little laughter and a tale or two about the kids, letting you shake off the sleep, and the dreams, and finish your cereal before he pops the bubble. You love him for it, and hate him for it. A theme, it seems. 

“So…” He begins, eyebrows raised in a little ‘tell me’ motion. 

“So,” you say, and nothing more. 

“Steve called.” That didn’t take long.

“Of course he did.” 

“He was worried.” He says, and then adds, not unkindly, “Sam was, too. Apparently, you left without any heads up.” 

You huff, “Well, I’m grown. I do what I want.” You throw in a pout for good measure. 

“And that means you couldn’t reply to a text?” 

You tuck your shoulders at that. “I, uh, didn’t exactly bring a charger.” You hold out the offending item and he sighs, but says nothing, simply takes your phone from you and plugs it into a waiting wire beside him. 

“Right.” He waits, knowing your little pout is for show, until the scowl slips into something else. “You wanna tell me about him.” 

And so you do, how much you hated him, and then how much you wanted to hate him, and then how much you didn’t hate him at all. 

He lets you pour it all out, lets you drain every last drop of guilt and whisper every unchecked secret, the words burst from within that pressure cooker inside your chest. It hurts so much to bare yourself like this that you expect to look down and see blood seeping from a hole in your chest. Instead, you see only granite countertops and blurry hands. 

"So, I ended it." You say, flattening your hands on your knees so you don't have to see them shake, see the physical manifestation of your very bad decision making. "It's for the best." 

"Is it?" Clint asks plainly. "For him, or for you?" 

"What do you mean?" You frown, his words making the hairs on your arms stand up, your body one step ahead as your mind fights to catch up.

"Ok kid, I'm gonna level with you, yeah?" He fixes you with a look that feels very Dad-Like and you bite back a little smile, despite the heavy tone. "I don't think it's a coincidence that you came here, to me, the only other person who might have the slightest inkling what it might feel like being under someone else's control." 

"I…," You begin, and then snap your mouth closed as the words settle over you. Was he right? Was it intentional, you wonder, to seek out Clint? No, no...

"You just live the furthest away." You scoff, but not with much luster, doubt creeping in over that wallowing fog. 

"You're not running away, kid." He says, confidently, "You're looking for answers." 

You consider that for a moment, wonder if there was some remaining strand of hope left in the burnt out tapestry of your want, but you know that even that strand is not enough.

"There are no answers you can give that will fix this." You say sadly, resolutely. 

"Why don't you try me?" He offers, reaching out to stop your hands from worrying away the skin around your nails again. Something you hadn't even noticed you were doing. 

"I don't think I have any questions?" Even to your own ears, you don’t sound sure. He simply looks at you a little longer, waiting. “Fine, maybe...maybe, just one.” He nods for you to continue. “How did you face Nat, you know, after Loki?”

“After I tried to kill her, you mean?” He supplies helpfully, face graced with that confident little smirk that never really leaves, refusing to balk at it like any sane person should. 

“Well...yeah.” You admit, trying not to cringe at your cavalier questioning. This was his idea, after all.  

“I didn’t.” He says, “Not at first anyway, but you know Nat, stubborn as hell and she just outright refused to let me have a pity party.” He laughs, “Monsters and magic, she said to me, we weren’t trained for that. And she was right, nobody is prepared for what we went through, or what he went through.”

It’s true, there’s nothing in the world that can prepare you for something like that, so how can anyone expect a how-to guide on getting over it. Or at least, working through it. You doubt there is a therapist in the world that has much insight on these particular demons, god knows they had enough trouble with yours. 

You think about Clint now, about how very much a team he and Nat are, even within the team itself. It’s like it never happened.

“But don’t you think about it, that day, when you see her?” You ask, subconsciously zeroing in on what you really want to know. There’s something there, you know it, but you're not sure what it is yet. 

“No, not anymore. Maybe initially, but I did the work. Laura helped me work through it, so did Nat.” He looks at you intently, like he just figured something out, frowns a little and tilts his head. “Do you?” 

“Do I what?” You ask, watching his puppy dog tilt with confusion. 

“Do you think about that when you see him?” Oh. Oh, that. 

“No.” You answer honestly, “Not for a while.” It’s the truth. The soldier and Bucky feel so far apart from each other it’s like they’ve never even met. And they haven’t really, you think. One existed exactly over the top of the other. 

“So seeing him, being with him, it doesn’t take you back to that time?” He asks, and it feels like he’s getting at something or putting puzzle pieces together the way he words the question, but it’s inherently still the same one he asked. 

“No... I mean, it did, of course it did, for a long time. But, like you, I did the work.”

It doesn’t even occur to you what Clint is getting at, as you sit there sifting through what he said and how it overlaps with what you know. So when he asks, your heart suspends in place, simply stopping in between beats like there was a limit and you’ve simply reached it.

“Then tell me, why are you so sure he does?” 

“He still has nightmares about me, Clint.” You point out, the fear in his eyes still fresh in your mind, like a brand on your soul you’ll never be rid of. Another stain, another scar. The final matching one. 

“He has one bad dream in the what, months, you’ve been together and you think you know what he needs?” You blink stupidly at him, feeling the pit in your stomach extend just a few more inches, digging itself further into your soul. “Look, kid, if you had come here and told me you didn’t feel a certain way about him, I’d be behind you 100%. But you’re denying yourself something here. Is it complicated? Fuck yes. Look at your life, what part isn’t?”

Complicated, ha! The blood in your vein sings angrily at the notion, that you weren’t over here tearing yourself in two just to protect Bucky from himself, from you. That it wasn’t bigger than complicated. Your feelings, whatever they were, they didn’t matter. What was so difficult to understand in that? It’s exactly the reason you were here and not with Sam, although that decision is becoming stupider by the moment. 

You start to shake your head, ready to say much of the same to Clint when he holds up a hand, not in surrender but to continue. 

“You asked what I see when I look at Nat, now. Well, I see movie nights, and Sal’s pizza, and pissing off Tony and every other memory we’ve made together since then. Isn’t that what you see when you look at Bucky?”

Like a prayer, his name conjures his image in your mind, those smiling ocean eyes, the kind tilt to his smile, the shape of his mouth when he says your name. Not even the ghost of the Soldier hovers. You blink back the tears that are threatening to escape your eyes and answer honestly. “Yes…”

“I’m willing to bet that’s what he sees too.” He smiles at you, sad and sorry. “I remember just after I got back from New York, I had this whole thing about everything being my choice. You know, what missions I went on, when I went on them, what I had to eat - Laura was a saint with that one. There’s just something about it, not being in control of yourself, that unsettles your whole being, right, that every choice I made felt like I was taking something back from Loki. Like I was fighting back even though there was nothing to fight against.” 

You reach out and squeeze his hand, his words dropping like stones in your chest, each one adding to that growing feeling, that one you can’t or won’t name.

“So, if this is about him, about protecting him or whatever it is you think you are doing...don’t. Don’t take that choice from him.”

The stones turn to boulders, drag down in your gut and pull till you might tear at the seams, pull and pull till your nerves are screaming with all that guilt, again, that you carry around and the unending pain that follows it. You knew what it was like, you knew, and yet Clint was right, you’d stolen his choices just like they had, when all he’d ever done was give you them. 

“Just answer this, okay?”

You nod, but you already know what he’s going to ask and you can’t answer him, don’t know how to. Your whole being is centered around this part of you, this shadowed pain that makes up half of your personality. Who were you if not the half broken remains from behind the green door? How can you possibly move past it enough to...feel that way? 

“Do you love him?”

No, you don’t love. You can’t. You like him? Sure. You want him? Absolutely. But love? Unattainable. The ghost of him is there again, sudden and solid, looking at you the way he does, grazing his lips along your cheek that way he does, the gentlest of hands holding you that way he does, loving you that way he does. 

Because he does. He loves you and it's awful and terrifying and euphoric. Suddenly, you can’t stand another minute of this war with yourself, with him, with everyone. The fight was always pointless anyway, you’d lost long ago on the dirty floor of a gym where secrets sprouted from pain and bloomed into hope. The boulders grow wings and they lift, letting your chest fill up with that fear and euphoria, shaking off the shackles of your guilt for the last time. You have your choices, so he should have his, right? 

There they are, those damned butterflies. “Yes.”

Clint smiles, knew the answer the second he laid eyes on your weary face yesterday. “Then let him love you back.”

TAGS: @manawhaat @theashhole @captainrogerss @higherfurtherfasterbby  @peculiar-persephone  @captain-rogers-beard @chrisevansnco @howlingbarnes @poealsobucky @samingtonwilson @vintagevalentinexx @abovethesmokestacks @imhereforbvcky @avengerofyourheart  @stormy-thomas @danijimenezv   @angelicthor   @betheboo55 @palaiasaurus64 @raxacoricofallapatoriuspotter @johnmurphys-sass @katbird787    @sexyvixen7 @jobean12-blog  @justreadingfics @justareader @smoothdogsgirl @theliarone @aikibriarrose @timeladylaurel @badassbakers @earinafae @crushed-pink-petals-writes @tardis-is-mine @httpmcrvel @bucky2-0 @mocking-rain @sociallyimpairedme @jezzula @bless-my-demons @ign-is @indominusregina @-supernatural-coffee-llama @alwayshave-faith   @shifutheshihtzu​ @mizzzpink​ @yknott81​ @haven-in-writing​ @xtina2191​ @reniescarlett​ @notsoprettykitty​ @wickedwerewolf​ @ayeputita​ @tatalopes23​ @pineapplebooboo​ @mizzezm​ @thefridgeismybestie​ @memory-of-a-goldfish​ @supernatural-girl97​ @standing-onthe-edge​ @ruinerofcheese​ @mysweetcookie99​

[sortagaysortahigh]

hi! can i ask u to discuss in a little more detail why u think euphoria is unrealistic? do u mean plots or issues involved?

Plot wise! I think the show does touch on a lot of important issues and shows them in very real ways i.e rue and her substance abuse issues, maddys family life influencing her relationship and how she views love which directly shows thru in her abusive relationship w nate, kat and her insecurities + finding solace and validation in the over sexualization of plus size women bc its the first time shes realizing that shes attractive and that weighs into the whole “he wants to fuck me so i must be pretty” + power in owning ones sexuality BUT i hate that shes a minor doing sex work though but thats an issue i have w the show in general, jules and her journey of being a trans woman alongside finding femininity in having “straight” men sexually use her while saying the same lines of “well im not gay cause youre a girl”/seeking validation through sex, shit even nate being an abusive piece of shit bc of his dad and his fake ass manipulative ass family dynamic.

However comma my issue with the plot being unrealistic sits at the fact that these are teenagers at a high school who barely even do shit in high school, the show wouldve had the same impact and actually made more sense if they were in college and idk man i just feel like a lot of it does surround sex and yea high schoolers have sex but its like the over sexualization of minors as a plot device to show their individual “coming of age” stories doesnt really do it for me. Like yeah it does emphasize the fact that minors are over sexualized but feeding into that sexualization ESP through plot lines like jules and nate’s dad, or even kat being a sex worker while also fucking grown men literally emphasizes grooming, and the different ways that teenage girls get groomed and validate it for themselves at the time. Like literally 95% of the women i know have stories ab being groomed as teenagers, whether it be online or in person and at the time we all thought it made us more attractive or it validated us and then we later realize we were literal victims and yeah i get a big part of the show is highlighting everyones stories and how theyre all victims of something but making them all underage just didnt do it for me. Like yall are in high school and half of you dont even have a damn folder on you, just a miniature purse that has all of a tampon, molly, lipgloss, and like a $5 bill in it. Euphoria high dont make no damn sense as a school bruv. None

[sundaeserenade]

okay! so the pokemas legendary event: father or foe. I have things to say so I will say them. and if you don’t want spoilers, uhmmm don’t read this! okay thanks okay.

first of all, i like how ghetsis just. shows up. like he’s just there. that’s great, A+ Second of all, I know the point of that battle between N, Silver, Brendan and Norman was to showcase how strong Brendan and Norman’s father-son bond was. but it’s so fucking funny to me that they’re fighting against two legendary pokemon. and they’ve got a fucking slaking and a fucking uhh sceptile like. Ho-oh is fucking fire/flying, but Norman and Brendan won??? but whatever, moving on.

glad that they put silver in this. like even with the plot point later on with giovanni, i just like that silver is here. i like silver. i like his way of speaking. because in a world of pokemon protagonists that are naive and idealistic, silver’s realism and straightforwardness is very needed. so thanks silver, for being that bro.

anyway, I love N’s answer to Ghetsis’ proposition for them to be father-son again. He says he just needs time to think. That shows such maturity. And the fact that they put that alongside Nate’s very black and white (lol) way of thinking, is good. Nate is like “Ghetsis did some fucked up shit. get him outta here” but N has history with Ghetsis and is hesitant.

and y’know what, Nate is right honestly, because Ghetsis did some fucked up shit!! I know a lot of people have not played gen 5 but Ghetsis is a BITCH!!! He’s manipulative and abusive, he said some fucked up shit to N, he tried to fuck over unova TWICE, he’s not a good dude. And it’s interesting! bc in bw2, y’know, former team plasma members are trying to make up for their crimes from the first game. and they point out that all they can do is apologize and do better, like they can try and make up for what they did and do what they can to make things right. and that’s what some of them are doing. and they acknowledge that this doesn’t like erase people’s pain or make them entitled to forgiveness.

but on the other side of that, you have ghetsis, who is not at all interested in that shit. he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong, he doesn’t want to change, fuck unova, fuck everything and everyone! So yeah! Nate is like FUCK GHETSIS and honestly, everyone should be like that but they weren’t there in unova so they get a pass.

and N is just hesitant. Because he sees that father-son bond and he wants that. he wants that connection. and think about how that resonates with so many people playing this game. like it fucking resonated with me! you want a bond with a family member that’s hurt you, and they come to you to try and make amends... and say it’s idealistic or naive or stupid, but there’s hope that it could work out this time.

ghetsis has manipulated and abused N in the past, and N knows this most of all, but he’s willing to move forward with their relationship if Ghetsis has truly changed. DAMN! that hits me hard. too many times we try and give people a second chance when they say they’ve changed, but it turns out they fucking haven’t and they hurt us all over again.

But I like that N takes the time to decide. He talks to Alder and gets his opinion, and I like that Alder is just honest as fuck about it. And N takes that into consideration, but still makes the choice himself, just like Silver advised him to. This is a choice he made after weighing his options and the outcomes.

And honestly, I was like... Ghetsis could go either way. They could keep him evil and have this be him trying to manipulate N again, OR they could pull a lusamine and have the story and the characters just forget about the abuse that he put N through and the chaos he put unova through. And I’m so happy to see that they kept him evil because HE IS evil and! He’s as fucking heartless as ever, being honest about how everyone is a tool to him.

That’s refreshing as fuck to me. After lusamine, i had no fucking hope for this game but DAMN let’s go, okay, Ghetsis staying evil? teaming up with giovanni? nice nice nice. love it.

But also, hold on, because Silver is a hero in this event. I loved hearing what he had to say, but this line that he had is so fucking important.

IM STILL IN SHOCK THAT THEY ACTUALLY SAID THIS LIKE??? idk i just wasn’t expecting it at all, and im SO GLAD they brought it up. Silver? Getting frustrated with Nate that he’s not trying to see things from N’s point of view? Nice. Very Nice. This is why I’m glad Silver’s here, because what other character would have the guts to say this? We need that blunt honesty a lot of the time. We need that straightforwardness to put some harsh truths out there.

I like that Nate stops and considers that now, they he apologizes and is like “I was thinking more about unova than about your feelings, N” and he APOLOGIZES!! LET’S GO!

There’s some good nuggets in this event, it’s so fucking GOOD.

It keeps getting better because with Alder reassuring N and offering advice, he shows that he’s more of a fucking.. father figure than Ghetsis will EVER be but he also just says that N’s grown and he’s got a good heart and N is so shocked...! He is still 100% suffering from what Ghetsis said/did to him before! because that trauma is still there! And he needs to be surrounded by people who really and truly care about him to support him now.

Okay but moving on, the Ghetsis and Giovanni team up was cool. I like how they kept summoning team break members out of nowhere?? fantastic. and of course giovanni was gonna backstab him. fucking. ghetsis you idiot, but anyway! N seeing that ghetsis is about to get his whole ass kicked and STILL stepping up to help him out?

Mm i have some mixed feelings about it, but N CAN talk to pokemon and he didn’t want anything to happen to Kyurem. And I’m glad that they put that in there and remembered that about N’s character because otherwise i’d be like “why would he help him, Ghetsis has revealed his true colors for like the third time there’s no reason to” but it also ties back into N just feeling sorry for this mother fucker and also just wanting a father figure.

but! after the battle, they leave. and Silver just glares at Giovanni and tells him to fuck off... this poor boy, but! we also have this comparison between silver KNOWING that his father will never change and that he’s not interested in changing, and now N coming to that conclusion with ghetsis. those two are not going to change. they don’t fucking care. they’re terrible people. and it’s a hard pill to swallow but silver’s already swallowed it. and now he’s helping N to get through what he’s already gone through.

so N just saved ghetsis’ ass and now they’re outside. And N says that he knows Ghetsis hasn’t changed, and if he causes trouble N will stop him. And Nate tells Ghetsis he hates him LOL and then is like why can’t you just fucking be a better person to N like for real.

and Ghetsis continues to be a sack of shit. and Nate gets upset and says something really touching, that N just wants a normal relationship with the man he calls his father. and Nate is real sensitive to this stuff, he wears his heart on his sleeve, y’know. but a lot of male pokemon protagonists are like that (gold, brendan i think?) but it’s just touching to have Nate be really invested. to have Nate and Silver both wanting to help N, and Nate is the more sensitive and idealistic of the two and Silver just adds that touch of realism. y’know, black and white?

but N is a bit of both, now. That’s what he gained on his journey, this understanding that problems aren’t so simple and that complexity is a part of life and that sometimes there isn’t a clear right answer. and sometimes things don’t go the way that you want, no matter how much you hope or wish for things to change.

and at the end... N understands that. He understands that while Ghetsis is a piece of shit and will ALWAYS be a piece of shit, he has people and pokemon around him and that’s all he needs. he doesn’t need a father. he’s just fine without one. Silver agrees, everyone fucking agrees. and it’s fucking touching. N’s got people in his life that care about him genuinely and that’s all he needs.

and that’s a real good message because first of all, Alder is right there and found family is abound, but also, it’s not pushing this fucking narrative that you should always, always forgive your family or the people who hurt you. sometimes, your family is shit! and you cut them out of your life for your own well being! many, many people have to do that. and instead of ignoring that every family isn’t the same and that people have shitty relationships with their families, this event is like “hey, everyone’s upbringing is different” and “if people who’ve hurt you aren’t going to sincerely apologize and make the effort to change, they aren’t worth your time” and “fuck ghetsis”

like those are good messages! and im mad because WHERE WAS THIS with the lusamine event??? lusamine abused both lily and gladion, but she’s okay?? she fucking almost drove the alola region into chaos but she’s forgiven?? no. i will never be about that. lily and gladion are both better off without her because i didn’t see an apology in sumo or in pokemas, the bitch just showed up and was like “okay!! we’re family!!” and even with the sumo endgame thing of lily taking lusamine to kanto to give her treatment, i need to SEE an apology and a genuine want to change

and you know what even if there is an apology? lily and gladion aren’t obligated to forgive her. it’s their choice, sure, but i think it was a choice forced onto them instead of it being something that they, as characters, seriously consider. and?? lusamine should be in jail. so.

like there’s no obligation for these kids to forgive their abusive parents. none at all. and N’s speech to ghetsis saying “i don’t think a true father-son relationship can happen between us so easily, but if you’ve had a true change of heart, show me through battle!” is so important because he wants to see for himself if there’s been a real change. N will decide AFTER the battle and after seeing ghetsis’ motivations if they can move forward.

and where was this with lily and gladion?? what did they ask or talk about with lusamine so that they know she’s being sincere?? and y’know what, where is the distrust?? especially for lily, because lusamine did some real fucked up shit!! it’s just not handled as well, and it could’ve been a great example of “kids need to get away from their abusive parents even if they promise change” because N made a choice and was hesitant but we didn’t get to see that development with gladion and lily. i know it’s pokemon, but i definitely think there’s a way they could’ve written them,, cutting lusamine out of their lives and it being like “okay, this is the best for both of us” because lusamine was a shit mother and also gladion and lily have found family in the selene, elio, hau and professor kukui and professor brunet SO.

but this event was pretty good and there were some very good moments in here. I’m glad ghetsis will stay evil and i’m glad they put silver in there as well, thanks. BUT WHERE WAS HILBERT????? WHHHHYYYYYY!!!!!

[hogarthwrites]

the ballad of samuel drake chapter 2

chapter 1: desperado

chapter 2: we’ve only just begun

pairing: none

genre: fix-it fic (sorta), found family, sibling bonding

warnings: alcohol

words: 2,358

summary:

It's 2017 and Sam's another year older. He did everything he thought he missed out on in the fifteen years he was imprisoned, yet somehow he still felt so empty, so lonely. He doesn't know it yet, but he's found the family he's been looking for all along. The real treasure was the friends we made along the way.

note: 

please enjoy!! <3

2017

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you! La la la la la la!

Sam didn't know whether to laugh or cry at the card Nathan sent him. There was a cat with glasses on the front with the words “So what if it's another birthday? Don't take life so seriously!”

He appreciated it, though. He couldn't remember the last time he got a birthday card, let alone a cake.

Victor got him a simple chocolate cake, just enough for the two of them. He blew out the candles while Nathan and his wife, Elena, celebrated from a computer screen. They had party hats and party blowers and they made fwee fwee noises from their end.

“Alright, tone it down,” Sam chuckled. “Just another year in paradise, huh?”

“What'd you wish for?” Elena asked.

“World peace.”

“Boo. That's a cliche, try again,” Nathan gave a thumbs down.

“If you ask me, Sam should've asked for a partner so he can let me retire in peace,” Victor joked. “Or maybe a romantic partner.”

Despite Victor’s constant inquiries about a special someone, nothing ever lasted long enough for Sam to seriously introduce. He never would admit it out loud or even to himself, but Victor had become an important father figure to him and he was kind of scared to let him down now.

“Hey, I'm getting there, Victor,” Sam narrowed his eyes. “I'm still young.”

“I'm joking, kid,” Victor gave him a pat on the back. “Happy birthday.”

After ending the call with Nathan and Elena, they retired to the porch to smoke and share a bottle of whiskey that Chloe sent over.

Hey, Sam, here's some alcohol so you can forget how old you're getting.

Your good friend, Chloe (and Nadine)

“We got some more leads on the Honjo Masamune,” Victor lit his cigar.

“Does that mean we're going to Japan?”

“It sure does,” Victor nodded. “I'll look for places we can stay at and we can leave in a day or two.

“Thanks, Victor,” Sam softly said.

“Nothing I haven't done before. Don't worry.”

“Alright.”

Sam wanted to thank him for taking Nathan in and for being so patient with his stubborn ass. Victor wasn't just a friend and a business partner to them anymore. He was family. However, Sam didn't say anything. Was it weird to thank someone for just being there?

Victor wasn’t much of a talker and for the most part, it was Sam who would go on and on about random historical facts and theories. The older man would sit back with his cigar and whiskey, listening intently and chuckling. He went to bed just before midnight, leaving Sam to his own thoughts and a half a bottle of whiskey which he brought into the warmth of the living room.

He wasn’t drunk just yet, and he looked through Victor’s collection of records, impressed with the selection. He decided on a Steve Miller Band record, precariously putting it on the turntable. It's been a while, but he preferred analog technology. Sam had a hard time with new technology, always getting frustrated with what Chloe called streaming services.

“You can listen to anything , Sam,” she said, holding up her phone.

“Oh yeah? Can it play Depeche Mode?”

Chloe didn’t say anything, typing away on her phone. Soon World in my Eyes started playing.

“Huh,” Sam simply nodded.

She helped him make a whole playlist, compiling all the songs he asked for, but when he was alone, he didn’t know how to work it. Not to mention, the constant ads pissed him off. No way he was going to pay $9.99 a month to listen to music.

Sam poured himself another drink and settled on the sofa, lighting up another cigarette. Forty-seven. He couldn’t believe it. He went into that infernal place at a mere twenty-eight and even then, he felt twenty-eight was old, but he came out of prison in his forties.

For a while, looking at himself in the mirror was unbearable. He looked so worn out, wrinkles at the corners of his eyes, his hair greying out. He didn’t even want to talk about his hairline.

Time keeps on slippin’, slippin’, slippin’ into the future...

“ Fuck. How did I get so old?” Sam downed his whiskey and poured himself another one.

He never imagined what he’d be doing at this age. Then again, he never imagined he’d spend his entire thirties stuck in prison. He was usually an optimist, but there were times he thought that was it; he was going to grow old in prison and he was going to eventually die there.

Sam was alive somehow and he found the treasure his mother obsessed over until her death. He lived long enough to see his baby brother thrive and be a much better person than him, but the empty feeling after the Libertalia thing persisted. Wasn’t that what he wanted? To find a long lost city and treasure with Nathan? He poured himself another drink, then another.

He stood up to change the record. The Eagles looked good. The room spun a little by his fourth drink and he couldn’t make out what the words in the song were saying anymore. Something about tequila or sunrise, he didn’t know anymore.

“Who would ever love a worthless thief?” He muttered as he collapsed on the couch.

Sam’s head was pounding when he woke up the next morning. Victor was in the kitchen blending something.

“Jesus,” Sam groaned. “Can you cut that out? It’s so goddamn loud.”

“You seriously drank through that bottle by yourself last night, Sam?” Victor gave him a cup of something green and oozy. “I see you found your way through my records too.”

Sam looked at the records littered on the floor by the turntable. When did he do that?

“I’ll clean it up,” he muttered.

“Try to sober up,” Victor picked up the empty whiskey bottle. “Nate and Elena are coming over.”

“Huh? What for?”

“Beats me.”

“Fuck,” Sam winced as the ice cold water from the shower hit his body, but he didn’t change it. He took an Advil and hopped in, hoping his headache would subside somehow but at least the cold woke him up.

Sometimes he was bored when he wasn’t stuck in a jungle or being chased by a bunch of dangerous, armed men. He didn’t know what normalcy was supposed to be and it made him antsy.

He didn’t know how long he stood in there after soaping up and washing his hair. Time was a blur and his mind went from one thing to another.

The doorbell rang and he heard Nathan and Elena’s voices as Victor greeted them. He sighed and turned off the shower.

“There he is!” Nathan gave him a hug. “You don’t look a day over forty-seven.”

“You little punk,” Sam held him in a choke hold and gave him a noogie, forever grateful for the advantage his height always gave him over his little brother.

“Not the hair!” Nathan broke free.

“Boys, behave!” Elena pulled her husband away before giving Sam a small embrace. “Hey, Sam. Happy birthday!”

“Thanks, little sis,” he smiled.

“Here, I got this for you,” she handed him a neatly wrapped present.

“Gee, a present for me? Can I open it?” When she nodded, Sam tore it open and inside was a DVD copy of Treasure Planet . “Oh, what’s this?”

“Nate said you loved Treasure Island , so I thought I’d get you the more modern retelling of it. It has farting aliens.”

“Farting aliens. Right up my alley,” Sam laughed. “Thanks, ‘Lena. I appreciate it.”

“We’ll watch this later,” Nathan took the DVD from Sam and placed it on the coffee table. “For now, I’m going to take you out for your birthday.”

“Where are we going?” Sam asked as Nathan basically shoved his jacket at him.

“You’ll see.”

Sam looked at Elena and Victor for any clue or hints, but Victor simply walked away while Elena shrugged.

“I guess I’m getting kidnapped,” he mumbled as he put his jacket on.

“You boys take care now!” Victor called out as they left.

Nathan wanted to watch a movie and to Sam’s massive delight, It was in theatres. He remembered taking him to see the 1990 version, flirting his way with the ticket seller to let his fourteen year old brother into the PG-16 film.

After much persuasion, he got his little brother to get tickets for It instead of The Greatest Showman .

“I hate you so much,” Nathan mumbled as Sam ushered him into the theatre.

After the movie, they went to a diner to eat large piles of pancakes, even having a contest of who can eat their pancake tower the fastest. Sam won, giving Nathan a shit-eating grin as he watched him struggle with the last few bites.

“How do you do that?” Nathan frowned. “I swear, you have the metabolism of a teenage boy.”

“It’s called grit, little brother. Don’t worry, when you’re all grown up, you’ll learn to have it too.”

“Whatever,” Nathan chuckled. “So how’d you like our boys day out?”

“It was nice. Don’t think we’ve properly bonded since the whole Libertalia thing.”

“Yeah, I don’t think that was the best time or place to reconnect, especially with the whole Rafe thing and…”

“The lie,” Sam looked down, guilty. “Hey, I’m really sorry about that.”

“I’m not gonna lie, Sam, that was a jackass move,” Nathan shook his head. “I shouldn’t even forgive you, but you’re my brother. You’ve always had my back.”

“I just really feel bad about getting ‘Lena and Victor into that mess.”

“That’s on me. What kind of idiot lies to his wife?”

“Well,” Sam shrugged. “I guess being a jackass runs in the family, huh?”

“I guess so,” Nathan laughed.

“Hey, at least we aren’t Dad.”

“At least we aren’t Dad.”

Nathan’s phone beeped and he took a minute to reply to whoever texted him. Sam looked around the old diner, taking in the atmosphere and the idle chit chat of other customers. A pretty waitress passed and she sweetly smiled at him.

“Alright, let’s head back,” Nathan paid for the bill.

The sun was setting when they got back to Victor’s mid-century style home, but the lights were all turned off inside. Sam suspiciously looked around, taking note of the extra car parked on the driveway that wasn’t his or Victor’s.

“What’s going on?” Sam asked as he got out of the car. “Why are all the lights out? Don’t tell me you planned a surprise party.”

“A surprise party? Don’t be silly, Sam. Sully’s probably napping,” Nathan shrugged.

“Elena too?” He raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, did I tell you she’s pregnant?” Nathan was walking backwards towards the front door. "Pregnant women sleep a lot I heard."

“She’s what? ”

“Oh yeah, we just found out the other day.”

Sam watched as Nathan fumbled for his copy of the keys and opened the door, where it was dark inside.

“Ladies first,” Nathan held it open.

“I don’t trust any of this,” Sam muttered but went inside anyway. The first thing he saw was a rather large cake sitting on the coffee table, its candles lighting up the room. “Wha…?”

“Happy birthday!”

The light turned on and there was a small crowd in the living room that was decked out in balloons and party streamers. Sam didn’t know how to respond as all eyes were on him.

Fwee fwee! Chloe, Nadine, and Charlie blew on their party blowers and he felt Nathan place a party hat on his head.

“What’s all this?” He looked around.

“A birthday party for you, duh ,” Chloe replied.

He was a bit overwhelmed, but there was a warm feeling in his chest as he was led to the cake and he blew out all the candles. This time, he actually made a wish.

“That’s not all,” Elena gestured to him and he followed her to the backyard, where a trampoline stood.

“No fucking way,” Sam laughed. “A trampoline?”

“Nate wanted it too,” she shrugged. “He wouldn’t shut up about it on the plane back from Madagascar.”

“You’re the best sister-in-law,” he nudged her. “Congrats on the kid, by the way.”

“He already told you?” Her jaw dropped. “Don’t tell anyone else, I’m waiting for the right time.”

“I promise,” Sam crossed his heart.

The dining table was laid out with piles of food. Nathan had called in all the guests so that they could all find a seat with Sam sitting at the head of the table.

“You really went all out, huh?” He leaned over to Nathan, whose mouth was full of moussaka.

“The dinner was what I had in mind,” Nathan downed his drink. “Elena wanted to throw you a surprise party and Sully agreed.”

Sam laughed. “Thanks. I like this.”

“It’s the best I can do after all you’ve done for me growing up.”

“I’ll make it up to you and Elena, I promise.”

Nathan shook his head. “It’s just a party, Sam. Relax. Have fun.”

After dinner, they sat around the living room, where they all passed Sam presents. Nathan gave him a Nerf gun, from Victor a box of Cuban cigars, from Chloe some climbing rope, from Nadine a pack of underwear, and from Charlie the Ice Genie (he insisted they were practical because he saw an infomercial of it).

Music blared, drinks flowed, and at some point, a joint was being passed around (Nathan and Elena abstained, preferring to drink juice together and retire early for the night). For that moment, Sam let go of his anxieties of being a year older. He was in a safe, comfortable place that he knew would be constant, with people who were constant.

For the first time, he felt like he had a family again. When everyone had fallen asleep in the early hours of the morning, Sam took one of his mother’s unfinished journals and sat on the roof. With a cigarette in one hand, he wrote in the journal, deciding to continue living for her.

We must go on, because we can’t turn back.

Epilogue:

Sam watched Treasure Planet on his own and he liked it a lot.

[marvelmadam08]

Meanwhile, In Quarantine...

Part of 100 Days of Marvel

Prompt 7: Well which is it? I’m getting nervous. // Prompt 79: You just ignored rule one through five. // Prompt 39: We’re gonna die here. // Prompt 11: I remind myself murder, even attempted, is illegal.

A/N: I’m on day seven or nine (honestly I lost count) of my quarantine, and I am slowly loosing my mind. Then I thought ‘What would the Avengers do during this quarantine?

~~~~~

One Week Earlier

“Miss (Y/N), Mr. Stark is calling for a mandatory team meeting in the common area.” Friday announces to you, interrupting your workout

“Right now?” you huffed out

“Yes, he says it’s urgent.”

You were the last to show up, annoyed and sweaty. Nat seemed to be the only other one who looked as annoyed as you, with her hair wrapped in a towel. Bucky, Sam and Steve lounged on the couch, while Clint was sharpening his arrows. Wanda and Vision stood off to the side to themselves. Thor sat next to Peter, who was hunched over his homework and Bruce stood next to Tony by the muted television displaying the news.

“Everyone here?” Tony pointed to everyone “Good, well I’m not sure if you all heard about this whole ‘virus’ that’s going around.”

“The Coronavirus?” Steve asked

“That’s the one,” Bruce nods “there have been a few cases popping up throughout the city, as well as the country, and within the next few days the entire country is going to be on mandatory quarantine.”

“Quarantine?” Peter spoke up “Like we can’t leave the country?”

“No, as in you can’t leave your house. And that includes The Compound and Tower as well.”

The room erupted in numerous hisses of disagreement. 

“Half of us don’t even need to be in quarantine.” Nat stated loudly

“Yeah, stupid super soldiers.” you muttered

“That’s uncalled for.” Bucky gave you a stink eye 

“Doesn’t matter, we’re being order by the government and Fury to stay put.” Tony tells you all “Parker, I’m only gonna say this once, you to stay put. No school, no parties, no dates.”

“But here at The Compound would be more ideal, seeing as it’s away from the city.” Bruce adds softly

“So we’re stuck here?” Wanda asks “For how long?”

“Well they say the quarantine could last between two weeks to two months.”

“Well which is it? I’m getting nervous.” Sam unmuted the TV

‘....stores have already begun to run out of water, toilet paper, and even baby wipes...’

Day 1

You, Wanda and Laura (Clint’s wife) were organizing the last of the quarantine supplies. Clint couldn’t stomach the idea of not being with them during the whole pandemic, so he asked to bring them up until everything blew over.

“Okay so the kitchen is fully stocked, all the cleaning supplies are put away.” Wanda sighed “It’s kind of scary, how everyone is reacting out there.”

“Yeah, I had to wrestle some hand sanitizer from some grown woman wearing a face mask and rubber gloves.” Laura admits

“I wish I could’ve seen that, since you had Nate strapped to your chest.” 

“Speaking of, I should go check on him.” 

Just as Laura walked out, Steve, Bucky and Peter walked in with large pizzas in their hands.

“This is the last of take out for the next few weeks. Enjoy it while it lasts.” Steve tells us

Everyone swarmed for their chosen slices before gravitating towards the TV to get an update on the quarantine. You were instructed to stay inside, only to leave unless it was absolutely necessary, and then return back to respective homes. Keep your contact with other people down to a minimum, and overall to sanitize and wash often. 

“This is what I do on a regular basis.” Bucky scoffed

“Same.” Wanda and Nat chimed in

“This is gonna be so cool, like one big party.” Peter clapped

A few of the other groaned at Peter’s optimism.

“The kid is right,” Tony agreed “most times we’re on missions for weeks at a time. How is this any different?”

“He does make a point.” Vision nods “And surely there’s enough room for everyone to find their own thing.”

Day 4

You glared at Bucky, who was tapping his pen against his teeth, while trying to figure out the crossword puzzle in front of him. You were trying to do silent yoga, silent being the key word.

“Barnes, can you stop that?” you said through your teeth

“Stop what?” he paused

“Tapping the pen on your teeth.”

“It helps me think. Why aren’t you in the gym?”

“Because I can’t take Steve and Nat talking smack when they spar each other. And Sam is playing his music too loud, and his room is next to mine.”

“And it’s the tapping that bothers you?”

“Forget it.” you closed you eyes again and worked on tuning Bucky out

Tony hurried in, scanning around the room “Has anyone seen Parker? I can’t find him and neither can his aunt. (Y/L/N)?”

“Shh, doing silent yoga.” You hushed “And no, I haven’t.”

“He left.” Clint spoke from above the rest of you. There was a small whirling noise, and metal scrapping against more metal, then Clint and his daughter poked their head out from the vent above us.

“What do you mean he left?”

“He said something about building a death star.” The younger Barton, Lila, answered

“Friday, override and track the kid’s phone for me.” 

“Of course Mr. Stark.”

Tony turned his attention to the TV, tapping on his phone and started to call Peter over video. At this point you gave up on silent yoga and just laid out on the mat. Peter’s face popped up on the screen but he wasn’t looking at his phone 

“Trust me, they don’t even know I’m gone.” he told someone off screen 

“Hello Mister Parker.” Tony waves

“Mr. Stark!” He hurried to pick up his phone “Hey, hi... um that’s so funny I was just about to come down to the lab, from my room.... which is where I am.... right now.”

“Oh you’re in your room? Not at Ned’s place building legos?”

He paused “No? I just got so bored! And there were so many rules to just stay in.”

“There were six rules max, and you just ignored rule one through five!”

“Are you sure he’s not your kid?” you chuckled

Day 7

“Twenty-three bottles of pop on the wall.” Sam half sung, eyelids closed, while rocking Nate to sleep

Steve and Bucky were each cuddling a plush stuffed animal on the floor. Morgan ran back and forth between poking Steve with a wooden spoon and the spot where she had a pile of cookies waiting on a plate. And Lila and Cooper were on their phones, headphones in, and not paying attention to their surroundings.

“What the hell you guys?” Nat groaned

“Ooh Auntie Nat said a bad word.” Morgan giggled

“Hey Monster.”

“Auntie (Y/N)!” Morgan jumped over Bucky and ran over to climb up your side until she reached your shoulders. “Guess what, I got to have cookies and chicken nuggets, gummies and a bunch of soda.”

“Nat? (Y/N)?” Bucky lifted his head from the floor, a flattened gummy beard on the other side of his cheek “Please tell me the others are back too.”

“On the contrary, Clint and Tony wanted to know if you wouldn’t mind watching the kids a little while longer.” Nat went to relieve Sam from baby duty “Tony talked to the mayor and got her to extend the quarantine curfew for their double date night.”

The three men groaned, you swore you saw a tear in Steve’s eye.

“We’re gonna die here.” Sam curled into a ball 

“Why did we agree to babysit?” Steve spoke into the stuffed penguin he held 

“Nat, maybe we should help them out.” You held Morgan tightly while she flipped upside down from your shoulders “They’re only men.”

“When the Earth spins, how do we know when we’re upside down?” Morgan poked you in the back 

“Tell you what, clean up your mess, we’ll go get in our pj’s and then I’ll tell you.” you carefully set her back down on the floor, she ran off, picking up her toys and stray snacks 

“Coop, Lila, your homework better be done, because if I have to check myself-.” Nat started. 

They jumped up from their seats and rushed out the room, Steve looked up at you and Nat in awe, Nate fast asleep in her arms.

“How did you-”

“We have a way with kids, don’t take it personally.” 

“Done!” Morgan cheered before pulling at your arm “Can we get in our pj’s now?”

Nat chuckled “Let’s go princess, (Y/N) will meet us there. You can help me get Nate ready for bed.”

Morgan took Nat’s free hand and skipped along side her. You took the stuffed animals and blankets from the guys.

“How did four children manage to out-do two super soldiers and a former air force vet?” you asked

“They’re small, but stealthy.” Sam yawned “Morgan has been asking us that spinning Earth question for hours.”

“I tried to explain how the Earth rotates but she told me I was wrong.” Bucky added

“Oh, it’s a joke. How do you know when the Earth turned upside down?” you paused, waiting for one of them to guess the answer “Fall time.”

Day 12

“What is this called again?” Thor points to Peter’s phone screen

“Twitter.” 

“Twitter? Like the sound a bird makes? Oh and there’s a symbol of a bird there.” he laughed “Humans are so creative. Tell me Son of Stark, what is Twitter’s purpose?”

“Uh.... basically you just post whatever’s on your mind.” Peter handed over his phone to Thor “Sometimes people will like it, and retweet it, or leave a comment.”

“Please tell me you didn’t make Thor a Twitter page.” You spared a glance from your book

“He asked me to show him. What’s the worse that could happen?”

One Hour Later

“Who gave Thor a Twitter page?” Steve marched into the kitchen

You immediately point to Peter.

“He wanted to know about social media. I didn’t think it’d do any harm.” Peter blurted out

“What did he do?” You asked

“He keeps posting.” Steve scrolled through the tablet in his hand “Things like ’What is black twitter?’, ‘poptarts and coffee’, ‘Just noticed how Director Fury sounds like the freeze man in this Disney movie’, ‘Over heard Natasha and Wanda judging who had the best ass. Barnes or Rogers. Clearly it’s me’ He’s trending.”

“Steve it’s harmless fun, he’s excited to be apart of Midgard culture.” you dismissed “Or are you upset because you weren’t voted for the best bum?”

“You should see his latest, and most liked, tweet.” Steve handed the tablet to you with a smirk

“‘Pretty sure (Y/N) and Barnes are dating. How else do you explain their sexual tension?’ I’m gonna kill you Parker.” You went to grab Peter but Steve pulled you away at the last second

“You don’t mean that.” Peter started to back out of the kitchen “Do you?”

“Who gave Thor a Twitter?” Bucky spoke from the other room

“I can give you a ten second head start.” Steve warns Peter

Day 15

“I can’t take this anymore, no missions, no take out, I can’t even go get a freaking smoothie.” You paced from one end of your room to the other “I thought this thing was only suppose to be two weeks.”

“Well Tony said two weeks or two months.” Bucky lounged on your bed, playing with the rubic’s cube “Looks like it’s gonna be two months.”

“How are you staying calm?”

“I remind myself murder, even attempted, is illegal. Plus I’ve been in isolation most of my adult life, so this doesn’t seem so bad.”

“Right.” you said softly “Sorry.”

“For what?”

“I’m complaining about being stuck in here, for my health when you’ve had it way worse.”

“Hey,” he caught your hand and pulled you closer “Don’t apologize, I know you didn’t mean any harm. And you tend to get cabin fever when we go on long surveillance missions. These next few days are gonna fly by, trust me.”

He trailed his hands up and down your arms, traveling to your waist and under your shirt.

“Uh-huh Barnes, not again.” you pulled away slightly “Vision and Wanda almost caught us last time.”

“Because you weren’t quiet.” he kissed up your torso

“No, because you dragged me into a linen closet for wearing shorts.”        

Bucky gave you a small pout “I’m from the 1940′s doll, I fantasized about your calves when I first met you. And that we’re... is this considered dating or are we just messing around during the lock down?��

“I hope this means we’re dating.” you combed his hair back with your fingers “I’m not the kind of girl that you hump and dump.”

“Hump and what?”

You chuckled “Nevermind.” You straddled his waist, he gripped yours a little tighter “So Sergeant, you gonna take me on a date after this quarantine?”

“I’ll take you to Rome as long as you keep calling me ‘Sergeant’ doll.” he left soft kisses on your neck

“Mmm.” 

“(Y/N).” Steve knocked on your door “Have you seen Bucky? I’m looking for him.”

“Nope, haven’t seen him.” Bucky pulled your shirt over your head, and tried to add to the bite marks he left the other day, but Steve wasn’t letting up.

“You know where he might be?”

You rolled your eyes and made Bucky stop “Have you checked the garage?”

“Why would he be in the garage?”

“Steve, pal, can it wait?” Bucky shouted “I kinda got my hands full in here.”

“Oh.” You could only imagine how red Steve’s face was at that moment. 

“You are horrible James Barnes.” you giggled

“Sergeant.” he corrected you in a low growl

“Sergeant.” you brought your lips down to his, quickly fighting for dominance in the kiss. Bucky flipped you over, the bed squeaking under your shared weight

“Uh- should I go now?” Steve asked