#and maybe just cry myself to sleep because i'm exhausted

[ridiculously-over-obsessed]

Living with her is such a weird limbo now I’ve decided to go no-contact when I move out, like I’m sad and annoyed all the time about her bs and her attitude and her gaslighting, but I also know there’s an end in sight so I don’t feel... anything about it at the same time.

Idk I’ve got all these weird feelings/non-feelings going on and I just want to reach that end date so I can get on with my life, I’m feeling very weird lately...

[vanteguccir]

── ୨୧ !　TOO MUCH

chris sturniolo x reader

SUMMARY: Where Matt and Nick say some hurtful things to Chris during a fight, bringing his insecurities to life and causing him to turn to his anchor, Y/N.

WARNING: Insecurities, fighting, crying, anxiety attack.

REQUESTED?: Yes, by anon.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: That is my work, I DON'T authorize any plagiarism, copy, or "inspiration"! | English isn't my first language, so I'm sorry if there's any grammar error.

　　　༻✦༺ 　༻✧༺　༻✦༺

The noise in the living room had escalated from playful teasing in front of the camera to sharp, biting words. Chris stood behind the kitchen table, his hands clenched into fists at his sides as he glared at Matt and Nick, who were both looking at him from the other side of the table with expressions caught between frustration and exasperation.

"Do you ever think before you act, Chris?" Matt's voice was, surprisingly, raised, an edge of impatience in his tone. "We can’t get through one day without you doing something childish and making a scene, or worse, making our videos look like shit because of it!"

Chris’s jaw tightened, but he didn’t respond immediately, his eyes darting between his brothers, trying to make sense of how things had gotten so out of hand.

"I wasn’t trying to do anything." He muttered finally, his voice barely above a whisper laced with hurt. "I was just... being myself."

"Yeah, exactly." Nick jumped in, crossing his arms tightly over his chest. "And that’s the problem. You’re always yelling and doing the most, Chris. It’s just... exhausting, okay?"

Chris clenched his fists, jaw tight as he glared at Nick, feeling himself crumbling a bit because sure, he’s too much. Sure, he speaks too loud and had opinions about everything and wasn’t afraid to share them, even if they were about the silliest things. Sure, he feels cornered and childish and immature and annoying, and most of what they're saying is probably true, but hearing his own brothers say it out loud... it pains his heart.

"You know, that’s actually rich coming from you." He shot back, his voice carrying a frustration he couldn’t hold back, trying to disguise his pain with anger. "You’re always the first to say that people watch us because we’re different, because even though we look the same, we're still different. But all you ever do is complain that I’m not just like you or Matt!”

Nick’s expression shifted, taken aback by Chris’s words. But Nick wasn’t one to back down, his voice snapping back almost before Chris had finished speaking.

"That’s not what I’m saying at all!" He fired, eyes narrowing. "Is it so insane to want you to stop yelling and acting like a literal child in every video? We’re trying to be professional, Chris! People like us, yeah, but they won’t if you keep acting like-"

Chris dragged a hand over his face, pressing the heel of his palm into his forehead, trying to shut out Nick’s words, trying to drown out the overwhelming feeling of being misunderstood.

"... and we can’t keep dealing with it, Chris. Grow the fuck up."

The youngest felt his chest tighten even more. His greatest insecurity - one that clawed at his chest every night when he couldn’t sleep, when the silence around him became deafening - was now on full display, brutally brought to life by the people he trusted most.

The internet was relentless in labeling him as "the weird one", the "annoying triplet", just because he was loud and talked too much, just because he was unapologetically himself. He’d laugh it off, of course, joke about it even because it was easier to pretend it didn’t bother him. But deep down, those words haunted him, scraping at the edges of his self-worth, making him wonder if maybe, just maybe, he wasn’t enough.

And now, hearing Matt and Nick throw those same words at him... he felt hollow. Like all the air had been knocked from his lungs. They knew. They knew how those comments got to him, how hard he tried to ignore it, to rise above the criticism.

"Fine." He said bitterly, hating how his voice trembled slightly as he struggled to keep his emotions in check. "I’ll get out of your way, then."

He pushed his weight off of the table, preparing himself to get out of there, but as Chris stormed away, Nick's frustration boiled over, and he turned to Matt, his voice sharp and incredulous.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" He hissed, his eyes flashing with a mixture of anger and disbelief.

But Chris kept walking, his shoulders tense as he made his way to the stairs, refusing to let himself look back. His brothers’ voices felt like static at this point, blending into the background as he forced himself to keep going.

Behind him, Matt muttered under his breath, an edge of impatience creeping in.

"Why is he being so dramatic?" He called, exasperation evident in his tone. "Chris, just come back, man! Let’s finish this video."

But Chris didn’t even slow down. Each word felt like salt in a wound he was struggling to ignore, a constant reminder that he wasn’t on the same level as them, that they were all looking at him like he was the problem.

Maybe he was.

As he went down the stairs, his mind was racing, every emotion simmering just below the surface.

His hands trembled slightly as he reached his bedroom door, a mix of anger, shame, and sadness twisting in his chest, his breath hitching as he struggled to keep it together. He wanted to scream, to push all the hurt away.

Finally, he opened the door and stepped inside.

Y/N - curled up on his bed with notebooks spread around her and laptop balanced on her knees - looked up instantly, a huge smile spreading across her face as she noticed him, her expression so genuinely happy to see him that it made his heart ache even more.

"Hi, honey! How was filming?" She greeted brightly, unaware of the turmoil written across his face.

But her smile faltered quickly as she took in his red-rimmed eyes, the way his face seemed almost haunted, his body tense and trembling as he stood frozen in the doorway. She blinked, worry flashing across her features.

"Chris? Hey, what happened?" The girl whispered, and her words were like a lifeline, breaking the dam he’d tried so hard to keep in place.

She was quick in put her work together, placing her notebooks and laptop gently onto the floor beside her, leaving it all opened for her to come back to it later, her arms instinctively opening up to him.

"Come here, baby."

Without another thought, Chris crossed the room and collapsed into her open arms, sinking onto the bed as if the weight of the world had become too much for him to bear alone.

His arms wrapped tightly around her waist, his face burrowing into her shoulder as if he could somehow hide from everything that had been clawing at him. His legs slid between her thighs, his body curling into hers, every part of him drawn in close, seeking refuge in the only place that felt safe.

Y/N didn’t say anything at first. She could feel the way his shoulders shook, the silent sobs racking through him as he tried to hold back, his breath catching painfully against her neck. She held him even tighter, her hands slipping up to cradle the back of his head, her fingers threading gently through his fluff hair as she pressed soft, reassuring kisses to his forehead, his temple, anywhere she could reach.

"Shh... It’s okay, sweetheart." She murmured softly, pressing her lips to his line of hair. "I'm here. You're safe. Just breathe, Chris. Just breathe, baby."

But Chris felt anything but safe in his own skin. Shame and hurt twisted inside him, tightening like a vice around his chest. He tried to fold himself even smaller, curling tighter into her, trying to somehow look smaller for a 5'8 grown man, pressing his body as close to hers as he could.

He wanted to disappear, to melt into her embrace, and let the world live freely without his presence. The words Matt and Nick had thrown at him - the very same words he read online, the labels he was used to brushing off - felt so true, so much a part of him that he couldn’t deny them.

Childish. Annoying. Immature.

He hated himself in that moment, hated how much he cared, hated how the words dug under his skin, making him feel unworthy, unloved.

"Am I... am I really that annoying?" He whispered, his voice cracking and sounding more horse than it should. "Do you... Do you think I’m too much, too?"

Y/N’s heart twisted painfully as she heard his words, the broken way he spoke them. She frowned deeply, pulling back just enough to look down at him, her hand cupping his wet cheek as she met his gaze, her thumb brushing away a stray tear that had slipped down his face.

"Oh, sweetheart..." She shook her head gently, her voice laced with disbelief and fierce love. "No. No, Chris, of course not. You’re not annoying. You’re not too much. You’re everything I could ever want. You’re perfect exactly the way you are."

He clenched his fists, gripping onto Y/N’s hoodie - or better, his own blue hoodie -, his knuckles white with the force of it as he tried to agree with her, but her words didn’t seem to reach him. His brow furrowed, his eyes filling with fresh tears as he choked out.

"They said... They said I’m always yelling, being loud, making a scene... like I’m always... embarrassing them." His voice caught on the last words, his breath hitching as he fought to keep from breaking down completely.

Y/N held him tighter, her hand moving to the bottom of his white shirt, traveling inside of it only to rub soothing circles along his naked back as she spoke in a soft, steady tone, hoping her words would anchor him.

"Chris, they love you. They’re just... they don’t understand how much their words hurt sometimes. But that doesn’t mean you’re a burden or that you’re too much. You bring so much joy and energy to everything. That’s part of who you are, and it’s one of the things I love most about you."

He shook his head slightly, his breathing coming faster as anxiety started to build again, overtaking him.

"I... I just don’t get it. One minute, they’re saying people watch us because we’re different... and then they tell me I should be more like them. I don’t... I don’t know how to be that. I tried so hard to be like them, you have to believe me, but I don’t know how to change who I am-"

Y/N felt the depth of his frustration in the desperate way that he begged, wanting - no, needing - her to believe him. She cupped his face gently, urging him to look at her.

"You don’t have to change, Chris. Not for anyone. You’re enough just as you are, baby. And you’re not a burden. Not to me, not to anyone who really sees you and loves you for who you are."

He nodded slowly, finally trying to take a deep breath, only to feel like his nose was closed and his throat was being chocked by invisible hands. He closed his eyes forcefully, biting his bottom lip in concentration as he tried to breathe in a gulp of air that never seemed to be enough. Chris could feel his heart tightening, his chest struggling in the quick movements of going up and down too many times in a second.

"Can't- I... Please-" He tried, tightening his hands around her hoodie, panicking with the anxiety attack that seemed to come so suddenly.

"Hey, hey, Chris. Sweetheart, you’re okay." Y/N whispered softly, her voice a calming presence against the storm inside him. She shifted slightly, one hand now resting on his chest with a firm press as she guided him through deep breaths, her own voice slow and steady. "Come on, just breathe with me, okay? In... and out... Nice and slow. I’m right here with you."

Following her lead, Chris pressed his eyes tighter in a way that made him see stars behind his eyelids, focusing on the rhythm of her voice, the rise and fall of her own breathing against his fists. With each exhale, he felt a bit of the tension release, his chest loosening as he tried to match her calming breaths.

Gradually, his racing heart began to slow, the adrenaline draining from his body, leaving him feeling heavy, exhausted.

Y/N smiled softly, brushing her fingers through his hair as she pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead.

"There you go. That’s it... Well done, my strong boy. Now, just relax. I’ve got you."

As his breathing evened out, Chris opened his eyes slowly, his blurred gaze meeting hers with a vulnerability that tore at her heart.

"You don’t have to carry all of this alone, Chris. I’m always here for you, no matter what. You’re safe with me, okay? I love you... so much." She leaned down, pressing another kiss to his forehead as she held him close, her voice soft.

The gentle reassurance, the quiet love in her words wrapped around him like a blanket, pulling him further into her warmth. His eyelids grew heavier, the tiredness finally catching up with him as he let himself surrender to the comfort of her arms, a quiet whine escaping his throat.

"I know, honey. Sleep." Y/N whispered, a tender smile on her lips as she cradled him closer, holding him like a mother would hold her kid, her hands tracing soothing patterns along his back. "You can rest. I’ll be right here when you wake up."

As she continued to whisper soft reassurances, her fingers running gently through his hair, Chris’s breathing finally evened out, his body relaxing completely in her arms. His head rested on the curve of her neck, his arms still wrapped around her waist as he drifted off, his pain and worries slipping away in the safety of her embrace.

Y/N leaned down, pressing one last, lingering kiss to his hair before laying her cheek against his head, her arms wrapped securely around his body as she watched over him.

"I love you, sweet boy."

　　　　　༻﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡༺

A couple of hours had passed, the sunsetting casting a soft, warm light over Chris’s room, where he and Y/N lay wrapped together on the bed. Chris’s face was nestled against her shoulder, his breathing steady and calm now, his chest rising and falling in sync with hers.

Outside the room, Matt and Nick exchanged a glance. They’d been standing in the hallway for nearly five minutes, trying to muster the courage to knock. Their earlier argument with Chris had weighed heavily on both of them, guilt twisting in their stomachs as they replayed every hurtful word that had left their mouths.

Finally, Matt raised his fist and knocked softly on Chris’s door, the faint sound echoing in the silence. When there was no answer, he hesitated, glancing at Nick before slowly pushing the door open.

They both froze at the sight before them. Chris and Y/N were curled up together on the bed, Chris’s face still damp from tears as he lay against her, completely relaxed in her arms. Y/N had one arm around his shoulders, her fingers resting in his hair, while her other hand was hiding inside his shirt, holding his back, cradling him protectively. They looked peaceful.

Matt’s heart clenched at the sight, guilt intensifying as he took in Chris’s tear-streaked face. He glanced over at Nick, who was staring down at his feet, clearly feeling the same crushing remorse.

"Let's go. We can come back later." Matt muttered, pulling Nick towards himself before starting to back out of the room, thinking it might be best to give Chris a bit more time.

But just as they were about to close the door, Chris stirred, shifting slightly in Y/N’s arms. He nuzzled his head on her shoulder, his face just inches from the gentle slope of her neck where he could still catch the faint, familiar scent of her perfume mingling with the natural warmth of her skin.

He moved slightly, careful not to wake her, though his movement caused her to pull him in closer, her fingers instinctively brushing over his back. The feeling of her hand tracing small, soothing circles over his shoulder as if it was a muscle memory grounded him further, coaxing a soft sigh from him as he nuzzled deeper into her embrace, pressing a gentle, barely-there kiss to her neck.

When his sleepy eyes finally traveled around the room while gently stretching his legs between hers, he finally caught Matt and Nick's figures standing in the doorway.

His face fell the instant he realized they were there, his peaceful expression replaced by a guarded, distant look. Carefully, he eased himself up, making sure not to wake Y/N as he pulled himself away from her arms.

"Came for round two?" He looked at Matt and Nick, his sleepy voice laced with bitterness as he asked.

Nick swallowed, words catching in his throat as he struggled to find the right thing to say. What an irony. He opened his mouth but only managed to mumble, stumbling over his words as he tried to get them out.

Finally, Nick took a small step closer, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Chris, I... we came to say... We just..." His pearly teeth caged his bottom lip momentarily, taking a deep breath. "We love that you’re different."

Chris stared at him, incredulous, eyebrows raised as he scoffed softly.

"Different? That’s what you’re leading with?" His eyes narrowed, hurt simmering just beneath the surface. "So now I’m the ‘different’ one? Funny, ‘cause that didn’t seem to be a good thing a few hours ago."

Nick faltered, his face flushing as he realized his words weren’t coming out the way he intended. He tried again, tripping over his explanation.

"No, no, I... I didn’t mean it like that. I just-"

Chris took a deep, shaky breath, his gaze lowered as he avoided Nick and Matt's eyes, interrupting Nick.

"Look, I want to apologize, alright?" He started, his voice barely more than a murmur, thick with emotion. "I know it was all my fault and that I’m a lot to handle. I get it. I can be too loud, too... everything, really. And I know I’m not like you guys. I’ve tried so hard to be, but it’s just... not me." His words hung heavy in the room, his fingers twisting anxiously in his lap. "I feel like sometimes I just ruin things because I don’t know how to turn it off. You two seem to have this balance, you know when to joke and when to be serious, and I’m over here just... always pushing things too far."

He exhaled deeply, finally lifting his eyes to meet his brothers', the weight of insecurity and years of self-doubt written all over his face.

"I’m sorry if it feels like you have to put up with me. I’ve tried to be more like you, but it’s never enough. And sometimes... it just feels like who I am isn’t what anyone wants." His voice cracked at the last words, his vulnerability laid bare, and he quickly looked away, bracing himself for whatever they would say.

Nick and Matt shared a look, each seeing the guilt mirrored in the other’s eyes as Chris’s words sank in, cutting through them like a blade.

Matt felt his chest tighten, a pang of regret settling heavily in his stomach, making it hard to breathe. How could he have let Chris - his little brother, the boy who was always loving him no matter what - believe, even for a second, that he wasn’t wanted exactly as he was?

His legs moved on instinct, carrying him back into the room before he even registered it, straight to Chris, who looked so small and hurt, slumped at the edge of the bed. Kneeling down, Matt reached out, placing a steadying hand on Chris’s knee, his fingers gently pressing into his brother’s skin as if trying to ground him.

"Chris, you’re our little brother. I don’t ever want you to feel like you’re too much for us." He swallowed, his voice wavering as he continued, willing Chris to see and feel every word. "I love you, man. We love you for who you are. You don’t need to change a thing. It’s your energy, your spark that makes everything better. You have this way of bringing life into everything, and that’s something I wouldn’t change for anything." He looked into Chris’s eyes, his own gaze filled with a raw honesty. "We need you to be you, Chris. No one else."

Nick’s heart clenched as he watched, his own guilt building with every second. Gaining control over the hurt and regret flooding him, he crossed the room in long strides, dropping down beside Matt. He looked up at Chris, his throat tight with emotion, the sight of his little brother so closed-off, so wounded, cutting deep. He was supposed to protect him, not hurt him.

"Yeah... you being another person? That’s not what we want at all. We’ve never wanted you to be anyone else. You’re perfect the way you are, Chris." Nick’s voice shook, filled with a determination to make Chris understand the truth, to undo every careless word he and Matt had thrown his way earlier. "I'm so, so sorry that we said all of those things and made you think so bad about yourself."

Chris’s defenses wavered, his resolve crumbling as he glanced between his brothers. Their sincerity seeped through, but doubt still clouded his gaze. He let out a heavy sigh, loosening his grip on his hoodie just a bit.

"You promise?" His voice was barely a whisper, fragile and laced with uncertainty, his fingers twisting anxiously into the fabric of his sleeve.

Without hesitation, Nick reached forward, taking Chris’s hands in his own, intertwining their fingers and squeezing firmly.

"We promise. We love how wild you are, how you’re always the one bringing the energy. You’re louder, sure, but that’s not something bad, it's exactly what makes you, you. You’re the happiest out of the three of us, Chris, and we wouldn’t change that for anything." He gave Chris’s hand another reassuring squeeze, feeling the smallest hint of relief when he saw the younger brother begin to relax, if only slightly.

Matt nodded, adding gently.

"And hey, I don’t think we need to be professional or act in a type of way for our videos to be good. The viewers love us for who we are... the mix of chaos and calm. That’s what makes us, us. It’s why they stick around."

Chris took a shaky breath, letting their words settle over him, feeling the weight of them begin to ease some of the pain. Slowly, he nodded, his fingers curling back around Nick’s reassuring grip.

"Okay."

Matt leaned forward, placing a hand on Chris’s shoulder.

"We’ll do better, alright? We’re brothers. We’re gonna mess up, but that doesn’t mean we won’t have each other’s backs. Always."

Chris exhaled deeply, finally letting the tension melt away as he leaned into their touch, the comfort of his brothers grounding him in a way only they could. Straightening himself, he managed a small, tired smile, his heart feeling a bit lighter.

"Yeah... always."

"Well, I’m really glad you guys are okay again." Y/N’s soft voice broke the silence, bringing all three heads up in surprise.

She moved with a quiet strength as she sat up and brushed her hand tenderly through Chris’s hair, watching his face light up as he realized she’d been awake all along.

"But just so we’re clear... if either of you hurt my baby like that again, you’re going to have to answer to me." She turned her gaze to Nick and Matt, a playful but fierce glint in her eyes.

"Y/N..." Chris dragged the last letter of her name in a whining tone, feeling flustered with how she called him 'her baby' in front of his brothers - even though they were more than accustomed with it.

Nick’s eyes widened jokingly with her threat, a chuckle escaping him. He lifted his hands in mock surrender, glancing at Matt as if to say, 'Well, we better watch out'. Matt nodded, eyes a bit sheepish, scratching the back of his neck.

"Alright, alright, no more ganging up on Chris. You have our word, Y/N."

Content with their promises, Y/N turned her attention back to Chris, opening her arms and pulling him into her embrace once more. He let out a soft sigh, sinking into her warmth, his head nestled against her shoulder. Her arms wrapped around him protectively, fingers tracing soothing circles along his back as she whispered.

"I told you they didn't mean it." He closed his eyes, letting her words wash over him, the last bits of hurt melting away.

Nick and Matt watched the two of them, a fondness softening their expressions.

"You know." She murmured, pulling Chris's head away from her chest and looking at him with a mischievous grin. "You’re pretty lucky to have all of us wrapped around your finger."

Chris laughed, a real laugh this time, the sound full of relief and love.

"Yeah, I know. I just... I guess I forget sometimes."

"Well." Nick started, squeezing Chris’s shoulder with a grin. "We’re not going anywhere. So next time, just remind us if we’re being idiots, alright?"

Chris nodded, glancing gratefully at each of them, feeling more grounded and cherished than he had in a long time.

[inkskinned]

i'm used to it, and how bad it is, and how often it's so bad that it rings like a bell inside of me, drowning out everything around me. and the truth is that i get frustrated with myself about it - again? we're like this still? again? it's not that i feel weak, precisely. it's just this sense almost like - i've already been pushing against this thing for years now, shouldn't i have gained more ground?

i get frustrated because i'm sick of picking up the loose ends every six months. i get frustrated because it's always this same shit, same problem - i lose myself in a matter of months; spiral out of control, lose touch with friends and loved ones. i stop taking care of myself and therapy gets hard and i let everything around me wilt and shrivel and fall off; start somehow both sleeping too much and not-enough. i panic-attack and cry in my car in a target parking lot, pulling my hair out and hurting my ribs from sobbing so hard - and later, when i'm better, i'm embarrassed because how could i let it get that far?

it feels like - i already have done this so many times. isn't there a way out of it? isn't there a point where i've just... won? that it never happens again, that i just get to be done? maybe this is weakness, i guess - that i still (so often!) succumb.

i am used to it, so i forget exactly how hard it gets. do you even know how many times i've laid in bed, exhausted, blank and numb and listless and said - i can't anymore. i just can't. i'm not even really upset. it's okay. i've been here long enough. so much of my life was beautiful.... i'm just... done.

do you know how many times i woke up and i said - i can't and put my feet on the floor and said i can't, i don't want to and took a shower and walked the dog and bought myself fresh bread and put a nice playlist on and said i really can't, there's no end to this and i went to work and i called a friend and i made myself cookies even if food tasted like ashes and decided that i really should wait for the new album from that artist i love and i thought i can't, it's not worth it and then i washed my hands and cut my hair and drank more water and wrote a poem and signed up for an art class at the local community college and said i can't, i can't, i won't do this again, and i paid my rent and let the dishes rot in the sink but still made myself eat anything fresh even if it meant overdrawing my account on a stupid bag of plums just because they looked delicious and do you know how often i closed my eyes and thought this is it i really fucking can't, something has to give and i have nothing left that it can take and then i went to bed and i got up and i fucking survived anyway

yesterday the local ice cream place opened up for the first time this season and they were giving out tiny samples of their new dairy-free options and i tried a mango sorbet. three months ago i was positive that februrary was going to be my last month on the planet. i am teaching my dog a new trick and i just discovered a new band i love. i got a plant from the clearance aisle and repotted her and she's been perking up. i made salmon for alison and we ate it in her new house with her new beautiful baby girl. my manager told me he keeps recommending my work to others just because i always include a stupid number of puns. tomorrow i'm trying a new dance class. tomorrow i'm maybe going to buy more plums.

i forget, you know? it's not some bone-deep strength or some magical power. it's that some part of me knows - i need to stay. in all of this; out of all of this - i just want to choose love.

[blue-sadie]

Temperamental

Neteyam x Mate Reader x Aonung

Summary: they might as well keep you on a leash

Warning: reader gets distracted quiet easily, poly relationship, stress build up, reader has a break down. aged up characters

Yn/3rd person pov

"umm neteyam" i murmured holding the button down on the intercom that was attached to my neck as I wondered through the unfamiliar part of the island.

"Yes my love" he sighed with exhaustion, I cringed to myself already knowing what his reaction will be to my current situation.

"I uh..... I got lost again" I shamefully admitted and yelped as a little creature jumped out the bush and ran away.

I heard a deep sigh from his end and a soft call for aonung "ok baby we're on our way" he said before his side went dead.

I sat on a small rock and fidgeted with my fingers as I waited, I didn't mean for this to happen its just I've been so distracted lately because I've taken on tasks that I can't seem to keep up with.

And it seems that the village seem to leave a ton of more tasks for me to do and if I don't do them or do them right they give me an almost disappointed look.

It makes it hard to be around the boys because their amazing and exceed their expectations and even more and I'm just here making it more difficult.

I pulled my knees into my chest and wrapped my arms around them tightly sometimes I just feel like a burden to them.

"Yn" my head jerked to the direction of their voices "Im here" I called out to them and walked to their direction "there you are" aonung said and pulled me into his arms.

"you had us worried sick" neteyam muttered and ran a hand through his hair "i-im sorry" I whispered.

"Let's go home" aonung butted in and had his arm around my shoulder as we started making our way back to the village.

It was night time when we got back and the boys were tired so I quickly made a quick meal for them.

"We should keep her on a leash I'm telling you" my eyes flattered in sadness as I heard neteyam speak to aonung.

"Nete come on she was fine" aonung reasoned but neteyam just sighed "she could've gotten hurt" he said making aonung reconsider his words "maybe".

I gulped and quickly brought over their food and decided to eat mine a little ways from them by myself.

Why can't I life up to my expectations why can't I be perfect, all these thoughts clouded my head as i just played with my food not feeling that hungry.

Maybe I just need to sleep this off, I got to my feet and packed up my food and cleaned up before murmuring a 'goodnight' before heading to bed.

It didn't take long for sleep to find me but all I was missing was the boys warmth surrounding me 'maybe their not tired'.

-Next morning-

I woke up feeling a slight tug on my back "w-whats going on" I asked sleepily as I slowly sat up and rubbing my eyes.

"We've decided this will keep you safe" neteyam said as he showed me the rope attached to my back.

My eyes widened "w-what" I pulled at the rope but he held fast "s-stop" I tried taking it off but aonung held my hands so I couldn't.

"Yn" he murmured crouching in front of me as he stared into my eyes "this will keep you safe".

"Please no" I said as tears filled my eyes and my breathing started to become uneven.

"Please" I whispered "why are you crying my love" aonung asked and wiped my tears away.

"I-i can't do it anymore" I cried looking down at my lap "can't do what yn" neteyam voice was full of concern as he sat beside me and wrapped his arms around me.

"I can't be perfect I can never be perfect" I hiccuped my body shaking with each one.

"You are perfect" aonung smiled as he urged me to look at him "but I'm not you guys are you do more then your asked and me I can't even finish my chores without getting side tracked" I sniffed making them coo at me and hold me close.

"I see you finish all your tasks so what are you not finishing" neteyam murmured I sighed heavily "a-a few of the people has asked me to help them out and it seems that a lot of them want me to do their work to" I said.

The boys stared silently before taking off the rope and pulled me back into be "w-what" I asked and blushed as I was sandwiched between them tightly.

"We're sorry we didn't take notice sooner" neteyam whispered and kissed my cheek lightly.

"I'm sorry that we didn't take care of you when you needed it most"

Tag.List

@neteyamyawne @erenjaegerwifee @greekgods15 @sweetirilly

[soft-sunbird]

‼️Save Hilda's Pregnancy‼️

💥🚨 Pregnancy in War🚨💥

🇵🇸🍉🇵🇸🍉🇵🇸🍉🇵🇸🍉

🔥💥Am pregnant 🔥💥

Please read our story carefully and imagine the situation we are living in. 400 days of war and genocide. 😥

There is nothing in the markets, and if anything is found, it is extremely expensive. 😭

The weather is very cold, and the leaky tents are worn out from the summer heat. 🔥

The children cry from the intense cold and the darkness of the night 💥.

There is no electricity, the water is contaminated, no education, no healthcare, and no medicine. 😓

Pregnancy has exhausted me, and I wonder how my child will survive in these conditions if they arrive. There are not even vaccinations or clothes for children. 😥

Some of my relatives are covering their children with pieces of plastic to protect them from the cold due to the lack of any income sources. 😰

In addition, the sounds of bombing, gunfire, and drones mimic the sounds of wild animals and screaming to frighten people in their sleep. We don't know how long this suffering will last or if we will truly be able to endure it. 😔 🇵🇸🍉🇵🇸🍉

We want to reach our goal, we're still in the beginning 🙏����

Plz visit the pinned post on my page to donate or reblog ♻️

https://gofund.me/b845968e

✅verified by @gaza-evacuation-funds

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Hey, Tumblr. This is Hilda, who I care about so so so much. So much that I'm willing to be brave and vulnerable and share my own story under the cut. I ask that you make a donation to either of the below links if you can; Gofundme minimum €5, Ko-Fi minimum $1 AUD. Link to her Gofundme | Link to our Ko-Fi (Ko-Fi proceeds are split between the 20 families I'm supporting, but you can ask that your donation goes to Hilda directly) TW: loss

I was around Hilda's age when I got pregnant, too. I wasn't expecting it. I wasn't ready. My life was just beginning, and I had no money, and I had just escaped from a household that wasn't being very kind to me. I was NOT ready to be a parent. I was extremely distressed. My partner and I talked about it. We decided that, although it broke our hearts... it wouldn't be fair to bring up a child in the circumstances we were living in. We promised that one day we would try again, when things were better, when we'd both grown up a bit. So I booked an appointment, shamefully borrowed $1,000 from a friend, had a surgery... and I wasn't pregnant any more. And that was 9 years ago. I am still sad about it, because I think about what my child would look like, what their favourite animal would be, what their favourite food would have been. I will never know.

In those 9 years, I've been living my life. I'm 30 now, and I have only just started to feel like I understand myself, and what's important in life, and how to participate in the world. I am strong, I am brave, I am good.

But it's not the end of my story. I still get to look forward to meeting my child. I feel capable of raising a kind, gentle, creative child that becomes a passionate, strong, thoughtful adult. The thing is, although they were still overwhelming for me, my circumstances then were so much better than Hilda's are now. I had food, I had a safe place to live, our hospitals are free and operational. I WISH Hilda had that privilege right now. How will she cope, if she's already struggling to find food, taking vitamins in place of meals because she has no other choice? If her tent is already flooding, her bedding soaking wet and freezing cold? Will she have a safe birth with medical care, or will she be alone and afraid and in pain? Maybe Hilda would make the same decision I made, if she had the choice. I think she's very brave. I know she's very lovely. I have no doubt that if her child makes it into this world, she'll do an excellent job with the limited resources that she's got. I would be overjoyed to know that her soul carries on in the spirit of the next generation. I would hope so dearly that her child might grow up in a safe environment, that the war will end soon, that this crisis is something that her child is taught ABOUT, rather than having to live through and experience firsthand. I hope so. I really hope so. What I do know is that we are Hilda's best hope to survive this monumental life change, as safely and comfortably as possible. Whatever happens, I want her to know that she is loved and supported. That she matters, and so does her unborn child, whether they make it into this world or not. That they are worth fighting for. Give a little, or give a lot.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

NSFW, s/h mention, smoking mention

AITA for not telling my boyfriend how I felt about something sexual that we did?

So, my (19f) boyfriend (22m) was in town visiting me over the summer. I live with my parents while I'm not at college, so he was staying with me, my parents, and my four younger siblings. The event that I'm talking about was at the end of his visit, the night before he had to head home back to his own place (different state, about a 7 hour drive from me).

Some important context for this before I begin is that I am somewhere on the asexual spectrum (he knows this and we have discussed it) and don't typically derive any sexual pleasure from anything that we do. This isn't to say that I don't enjoy it -- I'm typically very neutral on sexual things, but I like feeling close to him and I like the pleasure that it brings him. This is to say, I find enjoyment in what we do in my own way, and everything we do is with extremely explicit consent. He also has some issues when it comes to sexual acts from a relationship in the past, and while I don't know all the details, it's clear that he is hesitant specifically about making sexual advances towards me. We are both technically virgins in the strict sense. We both have histories of deep body image issues and self-harm (mine ongoing, his (mostly) in the past).

This particular day I was super overstimulated all day for reasons that had absolutely nothing to do with him (hunger, exhaustion, ongoing depressive episode, other unrelated reasons). We started messing around at night and, although I was not terribly in the mood, I was still enjoying being close to him (and wanting to be intimate before he left in the morning). It went further than I think either of us expected it to (again, EXPLICIT consent from both parties). Obviously I won't share details, but at the end of the night there was cum on me and in my bed.

Now, while all this was happening, I was enjoying it. Not sexually but sensually and romantically. But afterward, the overstimulation of being dirty and my bed being dirty hit me like a wave and I sort of internally freaked out. I made sure to reassure him that everything we did was good and that I wanted it all, which I did. He then asked if I wanted to shower together or separately. I said separately and went to shower. I took a longer time in the shower than I intended to and had a minor meltdown. I ended up self-harming (not majorly) to calm myself down and get myself out of the panic. When I came back to the room and he left to wash up, I smoked a little weed and nic while he was gone (he's a nonsmoker but knows that I do) to calm myself down more. When he came back I told him I didn't want to sleep in my bed because it was dirty, and asked if we could sleep on the couch in the living room instead (relatively isolated living room, both fully dressed and literally just sleeping, no chance of anyone stumbling upon us in the morning except MAYBE my 16-year-old sister). The rest of the night was fine.

Here's where I'm almost positive I'm the asshole. He was clearly upset with himself after what happened even though we had both wanted it, and he kept apologizing and telling me he loved me. He asked me to turn away so he could get dressed (which of course I did) which is a major change from usual. I think it was because I asked to shower separately from him and then expressed discomfort at my bed being a mess. Even though I reassured him almost relentlessly the entire evening that everything was good, he was obviously deeply upset with himself. He was also crying when he got out of the shower, but I'm 90% certain that was because he was upset about leaving the next day, since we were going to be apart for the longest we'd ever had to be due to his career.

So I just didn't tell him about the self-harming or the smoking or the meltdown. I knew he wouldn't find out because he was leaving the next day.

Why I am almost certainly the asshole: I wasn't communicating about something he almost certainly would've wanted to know about. The self-harming is particularly shitty on my part. We are both very open about our mental illness and relate in a lot of ways, so he knows I actively s/h and is not upset by it (apart from just like generally not wanting your partner to s/h). But he's so intent on communicating all of our feelings about everything that we do together that I know he would've wanted to know that I was upset, and actively hiding that I was hurting myself is a deeply deeply shitty move on my part. I know that.

Why I might not be the asshole: telling him would've done absolutely NOTHING positive for either of us. Everything we did was consensual and enjoyable, and it was only the mess afterward that overwhelmed me and just happened to be the straw that broke the camel's back after a really long day. There's absolutely nothing he did wrong or nothing he could've done to prevent it. I feel like telling him couldn't have brought about any positive results since he wasn't really responsible for it and it had nothing to do with him. It would've just led to more insane self-flagellation and self-hatred on his part.

I'm almost certain I'm the asshole here. It's been weighing on me like crazy since he left. But I almost feel like telling him would've been MORE of an asshole move on my part.

Feel free to ask any clarifying questions.

[realisticjupiter]

Hii :)

can I request some domestic fluff? I would really like to read Chishiya as a dad and married to the reader, there's barely any Chishiya!Dad content 😔

I LOVE UR WRITING SM BTW, I've read all your work, and I love the way you write Chishiya <333

Hope you have a good day :)

Summary: Chishiya tries to learn to never take his family for granted.

Pairing: dad!chishiya x mom!reader

Genre: Fluff , slight angst

Warnings: angst (it's barely noticeable! I couldn't help myself..), the daughter doesn't have a specific name (I never liked naming kids in fics) lmk if anything else

Word count: 731

a/n: thank you so much for requesting!! I don't think I've ever actually seen dad!chishiya so this was fun to write :). I hope this is good enough to your liking and I'm glad you like my work--have a good day!!!

Chishiya walked into the door as quietly as he could, his keys clinking together as he shut the door behind him.

Of course he didn't want to make either of you wake up, for many reasons. One of them being that he solely just, didn't want to deal with it.

He found himself staying later at work because the thought of coming home almost made him a type of sad he couldn't explain. It made his stomach hurt as if he needed a hug but the thought of someone's touch made his head dizzy.

Home was supposed to be an escape from work, but work turned into an escape for home. Chishiya wasn't sure how he did it, or how he managed to convince himself work was better. It wasn't.

The creak that was made from the rusted hinges on the bedroom door made him cringe. His sock covered feet rustling against the carpet as he made his way inside, looking towards the bed, taking a double take to look at the bodies laid underneath the covers.

Your body lies still next to the smaller one, a hand placed on the small of the child's back as your other hand continues to fidget with the short locks of hair.

He watched your hand make lazy movements against the child's scalp, making him smile at the endearing sight before him; unable to pull away his gaze nor his thoughts.

You peeked open a single eye to look at the figure standing in the darkness. "You're home." You whispered softly.

"Mhm," Chishiya hummed in reply, finally turning away his gaze to walk away. Wanting to change into more comfortable clothing.

You pulled away from the small girl beside you to sneak out of bed, following Chishiya towards the walk-in closet.

He raised a brow when he heard you closely behind him, confused why you'd rather be around him than to peacefully sleep.

"Is everything okay with you?" You whispered, flicking on the light as he removed his white coat.

"Yeah, why wouldn't it be?" He answered, letting his coat fall to the ground with the clink of his name tag.

"I don't know.." You shrugged, walking towards him with uneasy steps.

He turned around to face you as you slid your palms through the opening of his untucked shirt, his breath hitched at the touch but his entire body melted into it.

"You've been distant, Chishiya." You admitted, avoiding eye contact as you looked down at your hands that hid beneath the blue scrubs.

He thought about his next words, afraid of any negative reaction you could give him by just two simple words.

"I'm sorry." Two words he never said often; often as in ever. Maybe once or twice through your relationship but never as meaningful as the way they slipped past his lips in the softest whisper he could.

Your eyes met his glassed over ones, unsure if it was because he was exhausted or about to cry.

"It's okay." You assured him, bringing your hands away from his stomach. But, before he could miss the soft touch, your hands rested on either side of his face.

He wanted to speak but kept his silence to linger in the moment with your thumbs tracing light circles on his cheeks.

"Daddy?" The young girl voiced from behind you, obviously tired by her tiny yawn and her fingers that clawed at her eyes.

He looked at you, as if to ask for permission to pull away from the addicted touch. You smiled at him and pulled your hands away to turn around and watch the young girl run towards Chishiya with open arms.

He bent down to bring her into his embrace, picking her up to hold her against his chest. "Tired?" He hummed to her, but his eyes on you as if the question was also aimed at you.

You nodded before the young girl could disagree with a mumbled no against his shoulder.

You laughed as she attempted to fight off her sleep, but when he passed her over to you so he could finish changing; she was passed out in your arms.

The smallest interaction with his family made him realize how much he missed your soft touch. The realization he hasn't felt your hands around his skin in what felt like ages made his heart hurt.

Nevertheless, he'd never take you for granted again.

reposts and comments are appreciated <3

[furiousgoldfish]

(tw mention of suicidal thoughts)

Alright so I am writing this because I can't find anyone to talk to, and my brain is letting me know that I need to talk about it somewhere.

I am falling depressed, and I'm unsure if it's genuine depression, or some sort of deep grief that is just feeling very similar. And I've already looked up what you're supposed to do if you're trying to break out of depression; I am sleeping full 8 hours on a regular sleep schedule, I shower regularly, I do my best to eat regular meals (sometimes it doesn't happen due to lack of energy), if I have any energy left in me, I take a little walk, I pay attention to my surroundings. I do my best to answer messages and to socialize, even superficially, with the people I see.

However, despite me doing all that, the deep feeling of sadness is persevering, in fact it gets worse after my walks, I end up going home in worse feeling of dread than before.

I was going to keep trying to break out of it, and then today something bad and triggering happened, and my mind just went very dark. Like what is even the point anymore? I started considering if anyone around me would be impacted by my suicide. And then just tried to dissociate from the bad thing that happened, tried to create reality in which it didn't. Like I could ignore it out of existence. Like maybe if I just curl up over there and never look at anything ever again, maybe then bad things would go away.

I tried to comfort myself thinking I could, at least, tell people around me and see if anyone would say anything kind or helpful, but people around me did not care at all, would go on about their troubles instead and looked at me like I was weirdo for complaining. Which again, made me feel like talking to people was the worst idea ever and like I was dumb for even engaging, I should have known I'm alone in this.

So now I'm back to sinking down in my grief, occasionally getting numb from it and sinking again. I had periods, years of grief in the past, and it just feels like you're slowly dying, right, and it doesn't stop and it feels suffocating and like you'd do anything for it to stop. But also in the past, I knew what I was grieving; it was the loss of my delusion of family, loss of hope that I will have family members who are in any way safe for me, loss of security and safety that comes with family, acknowledgment that I was abandoned and left with predators for the most of my life. I thought I was done grieving about all that, because for a while I just didn't think about it, and it didn't bother me. I don't think that's what I'm grieving now.

It's actually hard to pinpoint it, because my memories are mostly gone, but I think it's the loss of friendships in my life. I've tried hard to build connections with other people, even as scared and reluctant I was feeling about it, but it always fell trough, and left me feeling with less hope. The ends of friendships were so traumatic for me, that my memories of the entire friendships got deleted. And I can tell right now that hearing anything about people having friends, spending time together and helping each other, that usually sets my grief off, and causes me to start crying regardless of where I am. I tried to recall my past memories of friendships, but all I get back are things I never want to feel or live trough again. Every memory feels like enough reason never to interact with a person again, all of them cut so deep I have to dissociate from them right away.

And basically I don't know what to do. I am losing every bit of my willpower or energy to do anything. Even with my best efforts to stay upright, to interact with my environment and go to walks, I'm only out of bed while I'm working. And I'm randomly bursting into tears and collapsing while I'm doing my job. I am messing up basic tasks. There isn't any activity that isn't exhausting. And everything I cared about feels like nothing to me. I can't even imagine a future, which is usually what I did to pull myself out of bad moods, I would imagine a future where I had a home of my own, and security that I would be able to survive there without having to fight for my life. Now it feels like even if I had that, I would just still want to die.

I've been slowly falling into this place for months, but it is more real today than at any time before. I've put so much effort not to end up feeling like this but... it only makes me more sad to know I'm in this mess anyway. I don't know what to do. I've tried interacting with people, I've tried befriending people, every new interaction feels like it's going to drown me further.

[abbu0414]

Comfort (Soapxf!reader)

Hi guys! This ones kinda for me because I feel like I've been overworking myself and getting overwhelmed at small things, and I am just WATING for my huge breakdown (I'm due for one in like 2 days I can feel it). And also in honor of the new CoD season coming out yesterday, I bought the battlepass as a little treat for myself. Anyways, please enjoy :)

Word count: 634

♪Song to Listen To: House Song by Searows♪

This had been the 8th night in a row that you had come back late from work. It wasn’t unusual for you to work extra, or to come home late but Johnny knew what was going on. I mean come on he was your boyfriend, he’s always up to date on these things. But he knew that this meant you were trying to distance yourself from your emotions, or something that you were thinking about. The only way you would stay sane, was if you overworked yourself to exhaustion. If you were constantly working, this meant that at night you would sleep peacefully. And this meant as a boyfriend, he needed to do small things to make your life easier, like wiping off counters after you made dinner for the two of you, or folding the blankets that scattered the couch after one of Johnny’s after work naps. 

After night 11 of working in a row AND working late, he had enough of you torturing yourself. And in all honesty, you have had enough of it too.  You came home and softly closed the door to your shared apartment. Your work backpack feeling heavier than usual as your tired, sore feet carried you down your long hallway. 

“Bonnie, is that you?” Johnny calls out from the couch

And suddenly soft tears begin to spill.

All of those pent up emotions, all of those days where customers just bitched and yelled at you, all of those days you wanted to hide in the back and cry, all of those coworkers that made you do all the hard work just for them to get all the credit. You couldn’t take much more of it.

You don’t even make it to your door as you crumble in the hallway, letting out silent tears. You hear footsteps approaching you, but don’t look up. A figure removes your backpack off of your heavy and tired shoulders. It sits on the hallway floor right in front of you and lifts your chin to meet its eyes. 

“Just because you can carry heavy things, doesn’t mean I can’t help lift. I’m here to help carry the heavy stuff too.” And just like that, you explode. 

“I-I don’t w-want to carry all the heavy stuff Johnny.” Your sobs echo in the empty hallway as you bring your body closer to his until he has you with your legs wrapped around his waist and and he has his nose in the crook of your neck. 

“I know Bonnie, I know.” 15 minutes later you’ve calmed down and your breathing softens, Johnny peppers your neck and face softly with kisses as he takes in your smell that he loves so much. He realizes that you’ve cried yourself to sleep and he gives a light chuckle. As he gets up off the floor, he takes you with him and carries you to your shared bedroom. 

Changing you into your favorite t-shirt and shorts combo, he takes in your sleeping face. With your eyes and nose red from crying so hard, it breaks his heart into a million pieces. He tucks you into bed and climbs in with you (him being the big spoon obviously) his hand snakes around your waist and up your chest to give you something to hold onto while you sleep. You nestle your cheek into his hand as you take a big sigh of relief from letting all your emotions out and taking in Johnny’s cologne and touch. He always knew how to calm you down and after a long couple of days, this is exactly what you needed. 

Maybe calling out of work wouldn’t be such a bad idea after all. (Johnny was gonna do it for you while you were asleep anyways to force you to take a break.)

[seenoversundown]

For Death Or Glory : Chapter Twenty-Four

Jake Kiszka x Charlotte (Fem OC)

Warnings: Wholesome Vibes, Fluff, Happy Tears, Mild Anxious Themes, LINDA AND ELEANOR ARE BACK (our queens), Tension, Mentions of Snow, Parental advice, some pirate/ocean references, and a LOT of hugs. (I think the hugs will really be beneficial for all of us)

Word Count: 5.5k

Summary: It's the bar's anniversary night and there's a slight chill in the air.

Author's Note: Did I cry over this chapter? Possibly ❤️. But for very different reason than last weeks. I really am in disbelief that next week is.. it. Let's all just savor this chapter together and celebrate with our sweet little pirate man 🥂 (I'm ready to scream about it with you guys 🥹)

Caravel - Greta Van Fleet "Sail to the end of the world, For death or glory."

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

The Anniversary Party  - 7:15 p.m. 

Pull it together, I think to myself, wiping the tears that were trying to make their escape. I decided that spending the drive in my thoughts sounded better than trying to drown them out with music, which is how I spent most of my day fighting the urge to cry and losing. 

If I thought the idea of just having to tell him that I had to go back home was terrible, watching him cry is probably in the top three worst moments of my life. Seeing the way his eyes looked when I told him that his comment was wrong, I could feel that he regretted it. I can’t even be mad at him when I know he didn’t mean it. Listening to him sob and cry to me that he was sorry broke my heart; I just couldn’t bring myself to say anything at the moment.

Once I got home, even though I was emotionally exhausted, I couldn’t sleep. I could just hear him in my head on a loop, practically begging me to stay. I can’t believe I left. I knew I wouldn’t say anything about my work situation if I stayed, so I didn’t. And now, I regret it. I should have stayed and told him everything. 

I spent a lot of the night just wishing I hadn’t given him attitude because it wasn’t fair to him. I had been working most of the day and finally had someone call me back that I’d been waiting on, but they were upset with the message I had for them. So, I was on the receiving end of one of the angry bar owners, unlike Jacob, when I walked into the bar, and I still didn’t know what made me take that out on him. 

I would take it back in a second if I could. 

Now I’m sitting in my car, parked in my usual spot down the street from the bar, debating heavily on what I should do. I never actually packed anything because I would start crying every time I tried. It’s not even been a full day since we saw each other, and I’m terrified to walk in there. 

I don’t want to have that conversation tonight; I can’t ruin the anniversary party more than I possibly already have. Maybe depending on how he acts, I’ll mention something after Thanksgiving. Then it came back to me; I told him I would text him all day tomorrow… oh god– what have I done? 

I look up at the sky; the moon is faint in the distance, but she’s there. 

“Cass, I did this for you,” I whisper. “I wish you could tell me if it was going to work out or if I royally messed up.” Closing my eyes and taking a deep breath, I shut off my car. When I step out, a breeze washes over me, the type of cold where you know snow is coming. Making sure I have all his paperwork and my bag, I start my walk over to the bar. 

I really could just go home. 

I know the address.. I could just mail this.

I don’t think I can do it. 

I don’t know what possessed me to look back up, but I did, and the cloud that had been blocking the moon moved. The light from it felt different this time, and a smirk laced my lips as I looked at it. 

I’m taking that as my sign, Cass. I hear you.

As I get closer, I see the number of cars parked along the street and vaguely see through the bar windows. There’s a lot of people here for it being a Wednesday. Good job, Jacob.  

7:36 p.m. 

The door chime goes off, but enough people are talking, and the music is still loud, so there’s no chance anybody heard it. I scan the bar, looking for him, just hand him the paperwork and then leave. You can try to talk to him over the weekend and maybe work something out or at least make sure he doesn’t hate you. I try to pep talk myself. 

Not seeing him anywhere, I start to wander around, kind of hoping not to run into anybody, which is a bold choice right now. I bump into someone while trying to find him, and she turns around quickly. 

“Oh! I’m sorry, honey, didn’t see you there!” Her voice is loud but sweet. “You look lost– what do you need?” She gently holds my arm as she asks. 

“Uh- I need to find Jake. I don’t see him, though,” I tell her. Why do I feel like I should know who she is?

Her eyes widen at the sound of his name, but her expression softens when she tells me, “He’s in there somewhere! I thought I saw him run outback a minute ago.” 

“Oh, okay. Thank you. I’ll just hang out for a few then,” I shoot her a small smile. 

She smiles back at me; her smile feels familiar. She quietly says, “If I run into him, I can let him know you’re here. What’s your name?” 

I hesitate for a second, “Oh, um, Charlotte.” 

“Pretty,” she lets out. “I’ll try to grab him for ya.” 

Not even a minute passes, and I see him come down the hallway, but he definitely can’t see me. He looks so good, too. I linger behind people to avoid making eye contact as my heart rate starts to pick up. You can do it. I watch him from a distance; he’s behind the bar, handing someone a drink. That smile, but his eyes look tired. The way he moves captivates me; it feels like I’m seeing him for the first time all over again.  

He’s just pouring a beer for someone, but even something so mundane makes the butterflies erupt in my stomach. When he slides it over to the customer, his shirt falls open more and shows off his chest, and his necklace dangles, making my body warm because I’ve felt that necklace graze my skin before. Good god, why does he just look like this? 

All I can see in my mind is how gorgeous he is, especially when we were holed up together. He would put together his cute little outfits when we did things. The way he would walk around in his short and tight little boxers, leaving no room for imagination, was fine with me. 

His smile was still my favorite, whether it was just the little grin as he held back some pirate phrase, knowing I’d laugh at how dumb he was. Or when he fully smiles.. that boy is so beautiful. I could probably write a dissertation on how much I love that smile. I love a lot of things about him. His smile, the way he’s always touching me somehow, that silly English accent..maybe I-

Suddenly, I hear a clinking sound that multiplied rapidly, pulling me from my thoughts. Glancing around, I see everyone sitting in the booth they always choose when they’re all together. They all are holding their glasses up, tapping whatever they can against them to get everyone’s attention. 

Josh holds his glass up behind the bar, pulling Jake into his side. Jake’s face is completely red as he looks down, with a slight smile on his face. 

“I feel like everyone here should already know, but my brother is the owner of this fine establishment,” Josh starts, “And I just want to say how proud I am of him for taking the chance and managing to stay open for the past year,” He leans over, kissing the side of Jake’s head, and I see him mumble something to him while everyone claps for him. 

“Now, I know you really want to hear from the man of the hour, so,” Josh lets out,  and I watch Jake shake his head a few times, but everyone gets real quiet. We all collectively just stared at him, waiting to see what he would say, and all I could think was, ‘I’ll even hold your hand if you get nervous,’ when he actually starts to speak. 

“Um, I wasn’t really prepared to say anything, but,” he starts. “I never thought this would actually happen, um.. especially to me.” I watch as he fidgets with the ring he has on. You can do this, Jake.

 “I don’t know that I could have done it without my family basically throwing me overboard into the idea. It was a for death or glory moment for me, and—“ he pauses, looking up at everyone just admiring him. “I’m truly just so happy to be here now.” 

His eyes scan the room, and my heart drops when he meets my stare; blinking slowly, it feels like time has stopped, and all I can do is smile at him. I watch a slight smirk grow on his face when he says, “I couldn’t have done it without you. I’m endlessly grateful for everyone keeping me afloat. It’s only been a year, so—“ he grabs the glass next to him, holding it up, “Too many more.” 

The way everyone cheered and started clinking glasses had my eyes welled up. His brothers, Danny included, pulled him into hugs, which only naturally meant the girls and Quinn were next. I just watch him as he beams at everyone who walks up to him and gets all the praise he deserves. But his eyes kept wandering back to me. 

I’m so proud of you, baby. 

8:03 p.m.

Those green eyes– are all I can think about as I stand there. 

My heart about stopped when I saw her. I never would have expected her to show up after last night. But the second we locked eyes again, I felt less nervous. Maybe it was just the simple fact she showed up or the way I could see her trying to hide a tear as she smiled back at me. 

Finishing my weird toast while looking at her was the closest I was going to get to her holding my hand tonight, and that’s okay. Immediately, Josh pulled me into a hug after rocking me back and forth. 

“She’s here,” he whispers into my ear, almost like he’s trying to protect me.  

I turn my face to whisper back, “I know.” 

He leans back from the hug, looking at me, “You can do this,” he says, squeezing my shoulders a few times. “I’m so proud of you.” 

“Thank you,” is all I can manage to say back to him. 

Once I walk out from behind the bar, I’m practically mauled by the rest of them. I don’t think I’ve hugged so many people back-to-back like that before. Listening to a slew of ‘Proud of you! and ‘Happy anniversary! as they take their turn pulling me into them. 

Getting to Quinn, who quietly asks, “Are you going to talk to her?” 

“I mean,” I whisper back, “I’ll see what she says first.. I’m not going to push too hard today.” 

They nod, leaning back from the hug, “You’ll get her, I promise.” Offering me a smile, which I quickly return. 

“Love you,” I whisper, pulling them back into the hug for a second. 

They just mumble back, “Love you too.” Giving me an extra tight squeeze before letting go. 

I started to walk towards her, but my dad stepped in front of me first. He holds out his arms, inviting me for a hug, like everyone else has so far. 

“Proud of you, kid,” he mumbles next to my ear. 

I rest my head against him for a second before moving back, looking at him, and quietly letting out, “Thank you.”  

“I think someone is waiting to talk to you,” his voice is low, nodding towards Charlotte. His hand grabs my shoulder, squeezing a few times, and then quietly says, “Go get her.” 

When I go to walk over to her, I finally see her, and even though I’ve seen her in all forms the last couple of weeks, she always leaves me breathless. I could stare at her for the rest of my life and still not understand how she can be so effortlessly beautiful. 

“Hey, you,” I say as I get closer to her. “I didn’t know if you’d still be here tonight.” 

“Well, I do have these for you,” Her voice is soft. She holds out a folder filled with paperwork. “Everything is good to go, and Melody is certified.” 

“Thank you,” I say quietly. 

She meets my stare and quietly lets out, “Of course.” A soft smile laces her lips as we look at each other, which only makes the corners of mine twitch. I stepped a little closer to her, but she didn’t back up. 

“Um, I know it’s already kinda late,” I start, knowing I sound nervous but still asking, “Are you staying for a bit, or do you need to go?” 

She uncomfortably says, “I should probably head out.. I have a lot of driving ahead of me.” 

“No, that makes sense,”  I say, looking around for somewhere to set the folder down. “I’ll um..” Turning around, I see my dad, waving him over subtly. 

I tell him quietly, “Hey, I’m gonna walk her to her car. Can you hold this?” He just nods at me, glancing over to Char. 

“Oh, you don’t have to do that,” she rambles out, her hand landing on my arm, and my heart drops at the contact. Instinctually,  I cover her hand with mine when I turn back to her. 

“I’ve walked you to your car for three weeks; you really think I’m gonna stop now?” I tell her, which makes her laugh. 

“You know what,” she giggles quietly. “You’re right.” I set my drink on a random table, knowing it’ll be lost in the sea of glasses now, but who cares?

Pushing open the door and gesturing for her to go out first, “After you.” 

The walk to her car is quiet, neither of us really knowing what to say until she finally breaks it, “She looks nice tonight.” 

Looking over at her as she looks at the moon, making me smile despite the heartache, “She does.” 

“Your little toast was nice, by the way,” she says quietly, glancing over at me.  

Looking down at the sidewalk for a second, “I wasn’t ready for that, and as you can imagine, I'm not much of a public speaker.” She laughs at me; my heart starts to race. 

“Well,” she starts, as we make it to her car, “I thought you did a great job.” 

I slowly blink at her, “Thank you.” 

We stare at each other silently for a moment. I would give anything to just pretend that nothing happened and that everything is still how it was yesterday morning.  

“I won’t keep you, it’s freezing.” I lean forward, pulling her door open for her like I always do. She looks at me for a second and then steps closer, wrapping her arms around me. I’ve never let go of her car door faster as I pull her in tight; please don’t let this be the last time. My hand runs down the back of her head, just cherishing the hug while it lasts. Breathing her in slowly, trying to engrave the scent of her perfume into my brain. Turning my face and letting my lips rest against the side of her head, unable to resist the urge just to press one small kiss into her hair. One more. 

Once she starts to let go, I loosen my grip, letting her decide when she’s done. My hands run down the back of her arms as she pulls back until her hands land in mine. We just stare at each other for a second when she squeezes so slightly, and I return the gesture before letting go. I open her door again,  and she sits in her driver's seat, looking back up at me.

“Drive safe, Red.” 

She stares at me for a second and then quietly lets out, ”Will do, Captain.”

I swallow hard at the pet name she chose, but I can’t stop the smile from creeping in. Shutting her door gently, I can’t decide if that made me feel better or worse. 

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8:40p.m

 My mom met me at the door, “So, that was her, right?” 

“Mhm,” I quickly respond, not sure of how far she’s going with this. I don’t know how much I can even talk about right now. 

“She’s beautiful,” she tells me, a little inquisitive inflection laced in it. 

I nod quietly, “She’s incredible.”  

“You really love her, don’t you?”

“I feel insane, but I swear I’d do anything to keep her.” 

“Oh, sweetheart,” she says, grabbing my shoulders. “She’ll come back. I saw how she looked at you.” She runs her hand down the back of my head before tucking my hair behind my ear as she looks at me. “Her eyes lit up the moment she saw you. There was no denying it.”

I glance over to the door and then back down, “I just hope you’re right.” 

“Hey,” she practically scolds me, “If she loves you, she’ll come home, alright?” She gently taps my chest a few times. “And if I know anything about you, there’s no reason she wouldn’t come back to you.” Her hand held the side of my face. She brushed her thumbs over my cheekbones a few times, forcing me to look at her. She just quietly coos, “Oh, my sweet little boy.” 

My throat hurts as I choke back the emotions threatening to come up. I’m gonna cry if she keeps talking. My arms instinctually pull her in for a hug, tucking my face into her shoulder and letting out a deep breath. She rubs my back for a second before I finally mumble out, “I love you, mum.” 

“I love you too,” she tells me, pulling back from the hug enough to look at me. “Now, go enjoy your night, babe. You earned it.”

I just smile at her for a second and then mumble, “Thank you.” 

She pulls my face in, kissing my cheek a few times, and then looks at me with watery eyes, whispering, “I’m so proud of you.” 

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Once I went back to talking to everyone, I started to relax a bit. Taking my mind off the inevitable questions that would come up tomorrow. It was nice to have time just to see all the regulars who had been coming in since we opened. 

I find myself sitting with two of my favorite people for a while, Linda and Eleanor. Listening to them tell me about what their Thanksgiving plans are– which is honestly very sweet. 

“Well, we are both single old broads, so I told Miss Ellie just to come join me, and we could watch the parade together and make some food,” Linda tells me. “Figured it’s better than us sitting at home alone!” 

Eleanor giggled before letting out a quiet, “Absolutely is.” 

“I’m glad you two will be spending the day together,” I tell them. “Are you seeing family at all?”

They go on to tell me about how they either just spend Christmas with their families or sometimes people will come to them, but it just depends on the year and how they’re feeling. 

“What are you boys doing for the holiday?” Eleanor asks. 

I sighed, “Well, my parents are up, obviously. So, we’ll all pile into their Airbnb tomorrow morning, and my mom will spend the whole day making food and forcing us to eat until we’re about to throw up.” Laughing a little at the thought because it’s the truth. 

“I’m sure it’s a wonderful time,” Eleanor says. “Your family seems fun to be around.”

I glance around after she makes the comment. Seeing my brothers laughing together in their typical booth. Sam’s arm draped around Willa, keeping her close like he’s worried she’ll try to escape. I love that he’s found someone like her, even if it is weird to see him so protective over someone. 

Moving my eyes over to Danny, shaking his head at whatever nonsense Sam must have spewed. Mel tucked into him like she always has, but fully engulfed in conversation with Quinn. Oh, Quinn.   

The wonderful person who has my best friend and twin brother wrapped around their finger. I knew that when Josh found someone, they would fit him perfectly because he is such a special person, and there was no way that he could just find an ordinary human to be his partner. After spending as much time as I have with Quinn, I couldn’t imagine someone better. 

The way that Mel and Josh take turns lingering near the table so they can all hang out throughout the night because not only are they all best friends, but we’re all practically family at this point. 

I look back to Eleanor with a soft smile, “They really are.” 

I spent a little longer hanging out with them before deciding to take over the bar for a while. Both of them hugged and congratulated me on the anniversary before I walked off to relieve the other two. 

Sometimes, it was nice to be behind the bar alone, just talking with whoever was sitting up there and making drinks. It made the time pass quickly, and I didn’t have time to think about much else, especially on nights like tonight when the bar was full. The only thing missing was her. 

Having her sit at the end of the bar for the last few weeks for hours, just giving me shit about my job or making little comments that would drive me mad until I could finally close the bar and whisk her away to my bedroom. Spending our nights teasing each other while I served people and trained Melody, I always felt like it was torture because I just wanted to clock out so badly. Now, it feels odd that she isn’t here. 

How she looked at me while we stood there, her lightly squeezing my hands like I’ve done to her so many times in the last couple of weeks. Just to let her know I was there. I feel like it should make me feel more confident about her, but I’m afraid to get my hopes too high, even if it’s probably too late for that.  

When Josh and Mel make their way back to the bar, I let  Josh know that I’m going to step out for a minute. I quietly slide into my office, grabbing my lighter and cigarettes from my desk drawer and hiding them in my pocket before wandering out the back door. 

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

10:00 p.m.

It smells like snow. The air is a different type of cold; you can smell winter around the corner. I lit my cigarette, took that first drag, and pulled my phone out. 

She should be home by now, looking at the time and then hesitating to say something to her. I stare out at the docks, watching the boats gently rock. Remembering the moment that she leaned in first, how relieved I was that it wasn’t just me wanting that. Her smile when I went back in for another kiss as if she thought I wouldn’t want that. My heart aches at the thought. I should just .. send her something.

We spent almost a month in this weird situation, and it feels wrong to go radio silent. Maybe Mom is right. 

I start typing away, deleting the message, and starting over probably twenty times, not knowing what to say but just wanting to say anything to keep her in my life potentially. Even if she’s not mine. 

I finally hit send when it doesn’t feel too insane, but my body flinches when I feel someone’s hand on my shoulder. 

“I had a feeling I’d find you out here,” my dad quietly tells me. “You okay?”

I nod, “Mhm, I just needed a break from the noise.” 

“Between your mother and both of your brothers, can’t say I blame you,” he laughs. “I know that isn’t the entire reason, and you don’t have to say it.” 

I let out a deep sigh before inhaling more smoke into my lungs to try and stop the sad from coming back. 

“I just texted her. Hoping that she at least will keep talking to me if anything.” I tell him, feeling a bit pathetic. 

He stares at me for a second, “She really got you good, huh?”

“She’s perfect, dad. How was I supposed to not fall for her?” I almost laugh at it, taking one last drag from the cigarette that is threatening to burn me at this point. Squishing the lit end into the railing before turning to walk back to the bar. “Did I make a bad choice doing that or..?” 

“Your mom is much better in these situations, but,” he starts as we slowly walk back. “I think you saw a beautiful girl and took your chance. I’m positive if I were in the same situation with your mom back then, I would have done the same thing.” 

“I knew I was fucked from the day I met her, y’know?” I say. “I couldn’t stop thinking about her after that.” I just watch the ground as we walk, getting closer to the bar. 

His arm wraps around my shoulders, pulling me into his side as I’m about to pull open the back door for the bar. 

“She’ll come back, bud,” he says. “I saw how she looked at you.. I know that look.”  I lean my head against him for a second before he pulls my shoulders away from him and turns me towards him.

 “Please make sure you wash your hands and drink something, and I won’t tell your mother that you still smoke. I’ll never hear the end of it.” We both laugh at the fact she would absolutely make it his problem.  

“Will do,” I laugh out. “Um.. thank you.” I stare at him, fighting the emotions that want to come out, which, after the last twenty-four hours, is getting more difficult. 

He breathes out a typical dad sigh, a slight smile on his face, before he wraps me up in another hug, “Of course. Just wanna see you happy, kid.”

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The bar is closing early tonight because of the holiday, and truthfully, I’m a bit relieved that I don’t have to sit here until two in the morning.  Mostly, everyone had left, and there were just a few stragglers to take care of during the last hour of the night. Just trying to focus on the fact I’ll get to hang out with my family tomorrow and how nice it’ll be to just spend time with them. Even if I want nothing more than to bring her with me. 

11:00 p.m.

Once everything is basically cleaned up, I sneak out front. Something about being outside helped clear my head, even if it was brief. 

How she looked at me before she left makes my heart skip a beat when I think about it. Maybe she isn’t completely done here. It took all my strength not to kiss her again, but I didn’t want to overstep after last night.

If I can at least keep talking to her, maybe we can make things happen because there’s no chance she wasn’t at least kind of interested. Recounting all the times, she would just look at me from a distance, which I’m sure she didn’t think I would notice. But her stare is a hard one to ignore. 

My mind drifts off to all the moments that I should have realized I was falling in love with her. I don’t know who I was kidding thinking I could survive just being friends with benefits.  

Hearing her cry on the other end of the phone the day after I held her in my office, I never walked out of the bar so fast. She sounded so panicked that I would have gone to her if I had known where she was. But the moment I got her to laugh, my heart felt different. 

Walking into my room and seeing her standing there defeated and drunk, fighting with the zipper on her pants, I know I laughed at her, but she was so cute. And then her in my sweatshirt with her bare legs staring back at me once I got the zipper apart for her. Leaving a kiss on my cheek before I left the room, my heart raced for so long after that. 

The night after we kissed, walking her to her car, she was absolutely terrified that she wouldn’t seem into it. Then she looked at me, leaning against my chest, and let out a quiet, “Jacob.” I knew I needed to kiss her again at that moment. The way she grabbed at my shirt when I did tells me that she was craving it, too. 

When she thought I was fully asleep on the couch, she slipped up and called me ‘baby.’ She just wanted to make sure I was comfortable, but if she only knew that having her curled up to me was enough. Feeling her tuck herself back into me, playing with my necklace as I drifted back to sleep, I could have stayed there forever. 

The entire day we spent in Salem. The fact she wanted me to be present with her, calling me ‘babe’ in public, how she kept holding my hand all day. She was always so shy when I would pay for things, but I wanted nothing more than for her to have a good day and try to make up for the fact that her tradition was disrupted. 

Nothing could have prepared me for the way she looked at me when we took pictures. Seeing it after, it’s written all over my face, even if I didn’t realize it in the moment. 

I’ll never know what possessed me to sing to her in that bar, but the smile on her face was worth it. Swaying around with her, her little giggles as I spun her away from me but quickly pulled her back in. All that I could see in my head was me twirling her around in a white dress someday. And god, she looked beautiful. 

The door creaks as it opens, bringing me back to earth. 

“Enjoying the cold?” Josh asks, walking over. 

I breathe out, “I guess.”

“Well, I’m going to head up,” He says, grabbing my shoulder. “It’s going to be a long day tomorrow.” 

“Yeah— I don’t know how ready I am,” I let out before telling him, “You can leave it unlocked. I’ll be up in a few.”

He pulls me into a hug, “Love you, don’t stay out here too long; it’s already getting late.” 

“Love you too.” 

He looks back at me before slipping inside, with a slight grin on his face, and says, “Just let me know if she shows back up.” 

I smile, giving him a slow nod, “Will do.” 

Something about the air tonight and the pep talks from both of my parents convinced me to stay out here for a little bit longer before going upstairs. Doing the mental gymnastics to make sure I don’t get my hopes too high. I slide my phone from my pocket, seeing that it’s only 11:35 p.m. I go to open my texts and it’s still on hers. 

Read at 11:02 p.m. 

Maybe she just got to her parents and that’s why she didn’t reply yet. 

I stare at my lock screen, a photo I snuck of her in Salem. She was so beautiful and happy. It’s mostly the back of her head as we were walking down the street, but she had glanced over as I took it so you can vaguely see her side profile. I don’t think she’s noticed that I did it, but if anything happens this weekend, I’ll change it. But for now, I’ll just keep her there. 

The streets are dimly lit and quiet now that everyone has gone home; I watch as a few snowflakes start to fall. I suck in a deep breath, letting it slowly leave my body, trying to release some of the anxiety, but the only thing I can do is look up at the moon and think, please come home, Charlotte. 

Sliding my phone back into my pocket, I stare down at my shoes for a moment, and then I hear footsteps. I let out a little breath before I looked over, biting the inside of my lip. 

“Hi.”

“Hey, you.” 

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

Chapter Twenty-Three

Chapter Twenty-Five

FDOG Master Post | Masterlist | Playlist

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Here Without You

Pairing- Yoongi x Named Reader

Word count- 4k

Includes- Based on song Here without you by three doors down, angst, fluff, sex, missionary, oral, pussy eating, cum eating, cock riding, multiple orgasms

Tag List- @mingtina @jaxminnie @yeosayang @delightfulmoonbanana @tannie13 @y00nzin0 @marsstarxhwa

@borntowalkaway @soulseobi05 @kpop-bambi @seokwoosmole @meowmeowminnie @realisticnotes @effielumiere @svnbangtansworld @pinkies-things @insomniacatiny @marvelfamily3000

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J POV

Opening the door to my apartment, silence greets me, my eyes tearing up

"Stop it", I whisper to myself, wiping my eyes

I need to stop crying all the time

It doesn't help

It doesn't bring him back

I just have to wait for him to come back

He will

When the tour's done, he'll be home again

Closing and locking the door, I go to our room to undress

I try to think of what I have to do before I can video call him

Undress

Shower

Cook something

Eat

Maybe watch a TV show or YouTube

Some thing to pass the time until he wakes up and can call me

He's in Texas now, so when he wakes up at 10 am, it's 1 am here

Luckily I don't have work tomorrow so I can sleep in

I've stayed up late every night since he went on tour three weeks ago so I can talk to him and I've gone to work exhausted

It doesn't matter though, he's worth it

Sighing, I throw my clothes in the hamper, then go to the bathroom to shower

--------------------------------

I'm laying on the couch with the TV on for noise when my phone rings

Seeing the caller as "naekkeo", I immediately pick it up, his beautiful face filling my screen

"Hi jagi", he says softly, his sad brown eyes gazing at me

"Hi naekkeo", I answer, tears flooding my eyes

This tour has been particularly hard for us

It's the first one after our wedding

And the first one where I can't come to any of the overseas concerts

Not with this video game designer job I have now

I started it last year and the boss is an asshole

He gave me such a hard time to take off for my wedding and honeymoon even though I told the interviewer that I needed certain days off and was guaranteed them at hiring

I'm working on a major game now and I have endless meetings

The thing is I can do everything remotely but my boss is being such an ass, demanding that I come in for meetings

I'm one of three people that come in physically for meetings

The people from other departments come in virtually

Because they have other bosses who aren't pricks

This is the first time I haven't been with him at all on the tour and it's affecting both of us

He's already been gone for three torturous weeks

"How was the concert last night?", I ask, forcing the tears back

"It was good", he answers, his eyes wet, "ARMYS had fun"

"Did you have fun?", I ask

He nods, biting his lip as the tears spill over his eyes

"Naekkeo", I say softly

"I'm sorry", he says as he cries, "I just miss you"

I shake my head, my own tears falling, "I miss you too baby. Don't be sorry"

"I can't....I can't do this jagi. I need you"

I nod, wiping my eyes, trying to calm him down, "I need you too baby. It's just for a little bit"

"It's another six weeks jagi. I can't spend that long without you", he sobs, "We've never been apart this long. It's killing me"

I know exactly how he feels

"Me too naekkeo but there's nothing we can do. You have to be on the tour. I have to work. I wish I could be there, I want to be there with you", I say, more tears falling, making his image blurry, "I don't know how it can happen baby. It's torture for me too naekkeo"

He shakes his head, "I don't want to be here without you. I dream about you every night and when I wake up and you're not there it's devastating"

"I want to be with you naekkeo", I whisper, "So much. I dream about you too Yoongi and I miss you more than anything"

"I can't handle it", he sobs, "I can't sleep without you. I hate knowing you're not backstage waiting for me. I hate not seeing your smile. Hearing your voice. Holding you. I don't know how I'm supposed to keep doing this tour"

I really have no idea how he's supposed to do it either

I don't know how I'm supposed to keep going without him

Video calls, it's not enough

Like he said, I need to be in his arms, I need to feel him, hug him, kiss him

I can't do that through a screen

"We just have to keep counting down the days baby", I tell him, "Just get through each day at a time"

It sounds lame but there's nothing else I can think of to make this better

It's hard for both of us

He just shakes his head, wiping his eyes

"Tell me about the concert naekkeo", I ask him in a effort to distract us both, "What's the set list? What was your favorite part about this concert?"

He smiles sadly, knowing exactly what I'm doing

But he nods and begins talking

--------------------------------

Three days later

I toss and turn in bed, trying it get comfortable

I can't sleep

I've been laying in bed for hours

I know it's because I wasn't able to talk to Yoongi tonight

BTS had a concert last night and when they have concerts he can't call me

I know they did a vlive too and he went to bed really late

He's probably exhausted and slept all day

I understand

I'm not mad, I know how he operates on concert days

On little to no sleep and he crashes all day the next day

I just miss him

As I'm turning again, I hear a noise

It sounds like it's coming from the front door

Like jiggling

I quiet down and listen hard

I hear the front door open and I'm immediately alert

The door shouldn't be opening

The only ones who have keys are me and Yoongi

And Yoongi is thousands of miles away

Carefully, I get up from the bed, tip toeing to the open door

Quietly, I leave the room, going out into the hallway, ready to run or fight if I need to

A figure steps into the long hallway from the living room and I gape, not sure I'm seeing who I'm seeing

"Yoongi?", I gasp

"Jagi", he whispers, starting to come to me

I don't think, my body immediately goes into a run towards him

I get to him in seconds, crashing into him as he picks me up, his lips immediately against mine

I kiss him desperately, so shocked he's here but so fucking happy and relieved

His arms hold me tightly, keeping me against him, my legs and arms locked around his waist and neck

I don't know how long we kissed for but for me it's never enough

When the kiss does end, I lean my forehead against his, just basking in him being home

"I missed you so much", I whisper

"I missed you jagi"

"How...how are you here naekkeo? Shouldn't you be in the U.S.?"

As much as I want him here, I don't want him to get into trouble

"I couldn't stay away from you a minute longer jagi", he tells me softly, "I just can't. I can't spend another six weeks away from you, Jo. I can't do it baby"

"I can't either naekkeo", I say, knowing exactly how he feels

Like everything is colorless, lifeless without him

"I think about you all day jagi. I miss you so fucking much it hurts. I hate that you're so far from me. I don't think I ever cried so much from being away from you"

I know

This whole time has been so fucking hard, so heartbreaking

I want him to be on tour, I know how much he loves performing, I just hate that he has to be away from me to do it

"It's the same for me baby", I tell him, "I just want you so much it hurts. I want you to be able to perform naekkeo but I don't want you to be away"

"I don't want to be away either jagi"

"What are we going to do baby?", I ask, worried

He's here now but he can't stay

He has the rest of the tour to do, his ARMYS are counting on him

"You're coming back with me", he says

"Yoongi", I start, "My job naekkeo"

The stupid reason I had to stay behind

There was no way my boss would let me take two months off to go with him

"I called him jagi", he tells me, "I spoke to your boss and after a lot of convincing and proving who I was, he agreed to let you have the time off for the rest of the tour"

I gape at him, in shock

My asshole boss caved to Yoongi?

What did Yoongi say to him?

"You won't be paid for the time jagi but it doesn't matter. We have enough money"

"That's your money Yoongi"

He shakes his head, "You keep saying that jagi but it's not. It's ours. You're my wife, the love of my life, everything that's mine is yours from even before we were married baby. You know you don't even have to work jagi but you insist on it"

Of course I do

I'm not a mooch

Just because he's rich doesn't mean I can spend his money

I was never with him for the money or the potential money as we met in high school and have been together since then, when we were both broke

He works hard, he sacrificed in the beginning of BTS, the money and success he has is because of him

I even offered to sign a pre-nup before we got married and he was actually offended I even suggested it

He declined it, shocking me and he always maintains that the money and everything that comes from it is ours

"Yoongi-"

"You know you don't jagi. You know I would give you anything you ask for, do anything for you", he says softly, "And I'm good with you wanting to work baby but I need you with me. I can't go back without you. Please jagi, say you'll come with me. Please"

"Of course I'm going to come with you", I whisper, running my fingers in his black hair, "Even if I had to quit, find another job after the tour, I would come naekkeo. I can't be apart from you any more baby. I need you"

His entire body relaxes as he breathes in relief

"Ok jagi. Thank you"

"Shh baby, don't thank me. Just like you, I'll do anything for you naekkeo, give you anything you want", I assure him, "I want to be wherever you are. And if you have to be in the U.S. I'm going with you"

He nods, "Ok jagi. I love you"

"I love you Yoongi"

His lips press against mine, my heart filling with utter joy that he's here

He carries me to our room, laying me on the bed, his lips never leaving mine

He moves next to me, my body turning to his, our arms around each other

I kiss him passionately, falling into him after weeks of missing him

His kiss is everything, his arms around me is heaven

He's my everything, my world

The kiss becomes heated, his tongue against mine, our hands desperately touching each other

"I missed you", I murmur between kisses while pulling his shirt up

Her separates from me long enough to get his shirt off mine following

"I missed you too, you have no idea"

"I do naekkeo, I missed you just as much"

He smiles his gorgeous smile right before kissing me, his hand slowly pulling down my pj pants and panties

Once they're off, I slide my hands down his sweatpants, getting them and his boxers off

I want him so badly

Three weeks of no physical contact is catching up to us

He moves on top of me, laying between my open legs, his warm smooth skin right against mine

His forehead leans against mine as I move my arms around him, my hand on his back, slowly running my palms up and down, feeling him

He moans softly, his skin trembling under my hands

I slide my hands up, moving over and along his strong shoulders, up his neck, sinking my fingers in his soft hair

We shift slightly, our lips against each other's, kissing desperately

I feel his length at my entrance and I drop my hands to his hips, pulling him closer to me

He takes the hint, his cock sliding inside, my pussy stretching around his thick shaft, pleasure tingling throughout every cell of my body

He whimpers into the kiss as he pushes in inch by inch, my pussy getting wetter and wetter, impaling me on his huge thick dick

My body arches from the pleasure, letting him slide in faster, bottoming out quicker, his head nestled against my spot

I shiver under him, squeezing his cock involuntarily hard

"Fuck", he groans, moving his arm around my waist and holding me against him, "You feel so good jagi. Always so tight for me. So wet"

"Mmm", I murmur, shivering against his lips that found their way to my neck, "And you feel good naekkeo. So hard, all the fucking time"

I purposely clench around his cock, his moan so hot as I enjoy the hard feeling of him buried inside me

"You make me this way jagi", he whimpers, "Fuck, anything you do turns me on. If I could stay inside you all fucking day, I would"

I giggle, kissing the top of his head, "I'd definitely let you baby"

I happen to really enjoy having him inside my pussy

Even if we're just laying here

We don't have to have sex

Cock warming is a huge thing with us, it's something we both love

He lifts his head from my neck, smiling, then kissing me softly

I fall into his kiss as he begins to move, slowly pulling out a little bit then slamming back inside

His head hits my spot, stars blasting in my vision, every nerve on my body alive and electrified

With every stroke he pulls out more and more, until he pulls out to his head, then buries back inside me

He moves at a good pace, fucking me into the bed and my head is in the clouds from the sheer pleasure

He press kisses against every inch of skin he can, my body trembling under his lips

His hand slides slowly up my body from my waist, up my arm, his hand taking mine, intertwining our fingers

I close my hand around his, holding on tightly

His other arm is next to my head, leaning on it as he moves, thrusting into my pussy again and again

"Yoongi", I moan in bliss, closing my eyes as I just feel him

Feel his body against mine, his skin against mine, his cock moving inside me

I'm loving every single second of it

Each smack against my spot brings me closer, my legs tighting around his waist, my pussy throbbing around his cock hard

I'm so hot and sweaty, panting for breath, my fingers digging into his back, my other hand clenching his

"You're so fucking beautiful", he whispers

I open my eyes to find him looking down at me, watching, love pouring from his eyes, "My God, I'm so fucking lucky you're mine"

I smile shyly, "No naekkeo, I'm so lucky you're mine. I love you"

"I love you Jo", he murmurs, his lips finding mine

His kiss combined with him sliding back into me, right into my spot, have me shaking and coming on his thick cock

"Yoongi", I moan between kisses, the intense pleasure washing over me, my pussy clenching around him hard

He moans, his hips not stopping, rolling into me, fucking me through my orgasm

As the pleasure fades, I relax into the bed, Yoongi kissing all over my body as he pulls out

My skin jumps with every press of his lips, his hot kisses feeling so fucking good

He kisses my lower stomach, my hand finding its way into his damp hair, tangling in the strands

He moves down slowly, now pressing kisses against my pussy, pushing my legs wide open

I feel his tongue on me, licking up slowly, my body shivering in bliss

He groans loudly, his tongue moving a bit faster, "So fucking good"

"Yoongi", I whine, feeling so fucking good

My god, I missed this, missed him

His hands grip my legs tightly, his tongue dipping into my hole, my pussy clenching down on it immediately

He licks out and up, his tongue rolling over my clit, my body arching from the increased pleasure swarming over me

His tongue slides back down, circling my hole before dipping in, shoving as much in as he can, then pulling out, sliding up and flicking my clit

He repeats the motions over and over, my cunt getting wetter with every move of his talented tongue

I know I'm completely soaking his face and I know he loves it

"My baby tastes so good", he groans, tongue swirling around my clit, driving me fucking insane, "My baby's pussy is so fucking good. So fucking sweet"

God, he's so hot

The way he's so into eating me out makes everything feel ten times better

I like knowing that he really enjoys doing it instead of feeling like he has to

His tongue move faster, all over my clit, my hips moving on their own, fucking his face, knowing that this is another thing he loves

"Yes baby, fuck yes", he urges, "Don't stop jagi"

His mouth wraps around my clit, sucking hard and I scream his name, squirting a little on his face

"Mmm", he moans, his mouth moving faster, slurping around my clit, the pleasure so fucking intense, my entire body is shaking and my head is empty

I tug his hair tightly, his next suck sending me straight into a mind shattering orgasm

"Yoongi!", I scream, coming on his face, his tongue driving right into my hole, his mouth sucking and swallowing my cum

I can't think, don't know which way is up, all I can do is ride the waves of bliss

It's so intense, so mind numbingly pleasurable

God, Yoongi is the king of oral

His licking slows down as I finish, his eyes already on me when I look down at him

He smirks, kissing my inner thigh, his tongue licking up my cunt one more time

"So good jagi"

I sit up just as he does and I move closer to him, kissing him hard

His tongue moves in my mouth as I climb in his lap, pushing him down on the bed

I follow, kissing him silly, running my fingers in his sweaty hair

He moves me over his length and I sit, taking him in immediately

I'm so wet, I slide all the way down his cock so easily, moving my hips to rock on him

His hands grab my ass, holding on as his hips lift, keeping his cock as deep as he can inside me while I grind on him

Breaking the kiss, I lean on his shoulders, starting to bounce softly on his cock

"Fuck jagi", he groans, his fingers digging into my skin, "Fuck"

"God Yoongi", I cry, his cock spreading my pussy so deliciously, tingles are running up my spine, "So good baby, so fucking good"

He nods, his eyes glued on me as I ride him faster, harder, "Fuck baby, that pussy looks so good on my dick. Creaming my cock so much, it's pouring out of you"

It is, I can feel it, all over this cock, all over his lap, the sticky feeling making me so horny

"Mmm do you hear how loud your pussy is?", he asks as I indeed hear how loud the squelching is, "Fuck, missed me this much?"

"Yes naekkeo", I moan, grinding down on his cock when I take him all in, his head rubbing my spot, making my body shiver, "Missed you so fucking much"

"Missed you too jagi", he groans

"I know", I smirk, his throbbing cock so stiff inside my cunt, "I feel how much you missed me"

He smiles his gorgeous smile, his eyes travelling from my pussy up my body to my face

"So pretty baby", he says softly, "So good at riding my cock"

I smirk, nodding, our skin slamming together loudly with every move, "You know how much I love riding you"

He nods

It's our favorite position, the one we fuck in the most

I don't know, my legs do get tired sometimes but it takes awhile for that to happen and when it does, I still don't stop

I can get him in so much deeper, bounce on him, rock or grind on his dick

And he can fuck me too so it's not just me always fucking him

The best part, for me, is that I get to watch him

Watch him in pleasure, watch him cum

He's so fucking beautiful it's insane

And that's what I do now

Looking down at him, watching him in pleasure, the sight such a fucking turn on

His eyes closed, his head pushed back into the pillow, his mouth slightly open, breathing hard, his hair wet with sweat, his fingers digging into my hips, sweat shortening on his skin as he whimpers my name, begging me to not stop in his sexy voice

He's so fucking stunning without even trying

And he's all mine

Leaning down, I whisper in his ear, "Cum for me naekkeo"

"Oh god, fuck", he groans, holding my hips hard and thrusting up, meeting my bounces, sliding deep inside

We move together, fucking each other, both of us getting fucked out and desperate to cum, moaning loudly

"Yoongi! Yoongi!", I cry, unbelievable ecstacy slamming into every crevice of my body as he fucks me into an earth shattering orgasm

"Fuck Joanne! Jagi!", he cries, his cock pulsing, his warm cum filling me, his body shaking under me

I force my eyes open and watch the complete ethereal sight of him orgasming

I never want to miss seeing this

I rock on his cock, making the pleasure last a little longer for both of us, our bodies relaxing as the bliss so slowly leaves

I move off him but don't go far, snuggling in his arm, my head on his chest, listening to his rapid heartbeat

His fingers run slowly up and down my back, giving me shivers

"When do we have to leave tomorrow?", I ask

He looks down at me, smiling, "Don't worry jagi, I got a later flight. 5 pm"

"Oh thank God", I giggle

He laughs, "I knew you'd want to spend as much time in bed together as you can"

I raise my eyebrow, "As if you don't want that either"

"Of course I want that baby", he agrees, "We can slack off for awhile, then I'll help you pack and we can go"

"Back to Texas?"

"California", he answers

I nod, "Ok"

"Ok", he nods

I gaze in his beautiful dark brown eyes, reaching up and running my fingers in his hair, "I love you so much Yoongi"

"I love you so much Jo. So fucking much"

I know he does

I'm so lucky to have found someone who loves me as much as I love them

Yoongi is the best thing that has ever happened to me

He's my everything

I lean closer, my lips against his in a soft loving kiss

His arms hold me tightly as he kisses me back and I'm so glad he came back for me

[a-loose-collection-of-ants]

Ok. Shit.

I get the feeling I'm not gonna sleep tonight, and who knows, I might regret this tomorrow but I need to get some thoughts out.

I've tried to retain this idea that most people are inherently good. Some of this is the remnants of whatever religious faith I was brought up in, and some of it is just what I tell myself to stay sane. It's getting harder to think that way, but I am trying to hold on to it.

There's this image I keep replaying in my head. My dad and I were visiting family down south shortly after he had wrapped up his cancer treatment. We stopped by my aunt's house in South Carolina, and she told me with tears in her eyes about how she had started gardening again after my dad's diagnosis. There was a Trump flag flying from her roof.

On another visit to the same family members, we were visiting a college and walked by a gender neutral bathroom. My uncle made some off-color joke about it and then quickly moved on when nobody laughed. My sister (a sort of closeted trans woman) looked at me with an expression of both deep sadness, and whatever face you make when you watch a bird fly head-first into a window.

My point is, I know these people aren't filled with hatred and malice. It's not constructive to waste your energy hating them when their greatest sin is ignorance.

I barely remember the Obergerfell decision, but I remember being in middle school around the time it happened. Attitudes towards queer people weren't great, but they changed so rapidly that I barely noticed. Maybe the fact that this was when I realized I was queer gave me a false sense of security when it came to the "moral arc of the universe", or maybe it's the example I have to hold onto about how fast things can change.

It's easy for people to fall into patterns of hate when they lack exposure, and the media landscape right now is making easier to avoid that sort of exposure. The basis of the fight against extremism is education, and I think it has to also be compassion.

Don't get me wrong, I also have family that are more than likely not worth the effort ("they" control the weather and all that), but those aren't most people. Most people are exhausted by politics. They see the price of groceries and vote for the other guy regardless of who's name is on the ballot. Or they're like a classmate of mine, who didn't really like either candidate and was having trouble just voting for the "better" one.

If anything, I guess this is a reminder to myself to hold on to empathy despite everything. It's fine to feel angry. Hell, it's probably good if it gets you moving. But we cannot respond to dehumanization with more dehumanization.

I'm not really all that religious anymore, but I hold on to some things. One of them is this: All things, by virtue of being crafted by God's hands, have value. Or, as my dad said it "God don't make no shit". This goes for yourself, as well as everyone else. I can't let myself lose that right now.

I don't want to belabor my point too much, but I do want to say that I saw people saying things like "it's all over if trump wins". I'm not going to lie, it's bad and people are going to get hurt and die because of this. America was waiting for the results of it's biopsy and we found out it's cancer... but we're not dead yet. I don't have a specific action I can advocate for, but please, don't give up. Authoritarianism is a longstanding wound on this country and it festers in apathy.

Take a deep breath. Regardless of what happens, time moves forward and the sun will rise in the morning. I am going to go to work, make some dinner, and hopefully find some way to work volunteering into my schedule.

Recommended listening if you want to cry right now

[daenysx]

Just one of those days when you feel ugly and you feel like you cant do anything about it but just cry. Aemond just loving on reader having one of these days

💓💓💓

thank you for this request, angel! i've been having these kind of days more often recently, it feels too relatable so it took less time to write. i hope you like this!

send me your requests for drabbles

you stand in front of the mirror in the bedroom, carefully inspect the image you see. your eyes move to look at your face clearly, your head leans into the mirror to see better. you look at your body, your hands on your waist as you frown and close your eyes with an exhausted exhale.

"i made us coffee, aren't you-" you hear aemond's voice, then his footsteps. "baby, what are you doing?" he asks, standing by the door.

you shake your head as if the action will help you get rid of your fresh tears. "nothing. nothing, i'll be there in a second."

aemond lifts an eyebrow, worried over the tone of your voice. you turn your back to him, your hands cover your eyes with a harsh movement. he steps into the room, holding you from behind as he tries to understand what happened.

"aemond, please. i'm fine, okay? nothing happened."

his hand holds yours as he tries to keep you from hurting yourself with your stiff fingers. "you're trying to stop yourself from crying, sweetheart. i'm sorry but this doesn't seem fine to me."

a quiet sob from you makes his heart clench with worry. he holds your body, tries to help you with your balance as you cry. "would you like to tell me why?" he asks with a gentle voice.

you point the mirror. "that's why." your voice comes out muffled and sad.

"i don't get it, baby, what's wrong with the mirror?"

you shake your head. "not the mirror. me. the way i look."

the puzzle pieces in his head become complete. he knows you feel uncomfortable about yourself once in a while. maybe something triggered the idea, maybe you made yourself think worse about the way you look. he takes a deep breath.

"you know, you don't have to try to comfort me. i can already see the truths. i'll feel better eventually, i know that too. it's not like i can do anything to change myself." you say.

he smiles, cups your cheeks with his hands to have an eye contact. "i just wish you could see yourself from my eyes."

"i'm not expecting you to have an objective opinion, aemond. it's just- the way i see myself. i don't like what i see."

he nods. "i can understand that, but there's no way for me to understand how you make yourself believe you look somehow bad."

you point the mirror again. "because it's right there! look at my eyes and how tired i look. i always look tired even when i sleep okay, i don't know how to fix my eyes. look at my posture, i just can't-"

aemond listens you rambling about yourself, every little flaw you see on the mirror. every little thing that makes you feel like you don't worth it. he lets you talk about them, never interrupts your thoughts. that's the hardest thing he does when your voice becomes shaky as you talk about yourself.

you keep telling him for minutes, the coffee he made for you long forgotten. you talk about everything, detailing every thought.

"is there anything else you want to tell me, hmm?" he asks when you stay silent.

you shrug. "i hope not, i already feel terrible."

he holds your hand and leads you to bed. he sits and pulls you on his lap, you try to settle down, feeling tired from your outburst.

he doesn't let go of your hand, kisses the back of it with affection. "do you want to hear my honest opinion?"

you nod. "please."

"i hate how unfair you are when you talk about yourself. i hate how you always focus on the good side of everyone else, but never the good things about yourself. i hate how you can manage to talk so low of what i love, what i admire everyday."

"aemond-"

"i'm not finished, sweetheart. i know it's hard to believe for you, because you've never seen yourself like i've seen you. i know you don't ever give yourself credit for your accomplishments. i know how you always crave the best, the most perfect. i just hate how you act so blind, so careless, so simple when it comes to yourself."

you bury your face to his neck. he keeps talking. "it's so easy for you to give your friends compliments, right? it's not hard when you say the most beautiful things to me, because you feel like it. you see the best of people, the best of me even in the times when i feel like i don't deserve it. you see me as someone worthy of your pretty words because that's how you perceive people. i just wish you'd do the same for yourself."

"it's not easy." you say. "i want to feel better about myself, but it's not easy."

he nods, his one hand holding yours as you play with his fingers and his other rubbing your back. "i know, baby. i also know you can do anything you want to. you are not alone in this. you'll never be alone in this."

"how can you promise? how can you be so certain?"

he smiles. "you don't believe me when i say i know my girl? i know you, i love you." he kisses your lips. "i love you."

"i love you, too."

he kisses you again. "you can have bad days. it can happen, there's nothing unusual about that. i just need you to be kind to yourself. hmm?"

you nod. "i can try."

another kiss on your forehead. "everything you just told me, everything you see as a flaw- they are just the things i love most about you, the things that make you special. i fall in love with every one of them, i admire them, i consider myself lucky because i can see them everyday."

he kisses you again as you hold his hand in yours like your life depends on it. "will you-will you help me feel better? i don't want to feel like this- i hate feeling like this." you say.

"of course i'll help you, sweetheart. i can't let my girl think badly of herself. you deserve the world. you are my world."

you feel a lot better and calmer as he talks to you with a soft, convincing voice. he rubs your back with a gentle hand, he lets you play with the rings on his fingers, he presses his lips on your earlobe and your neck.

"would you like to have a cup of coffee now? we can watch a movie, too."

you nod. "sounds good."

he never lets you go for the rest of the day, never lets you get in front of the mirror again, never lets go of your hand. he never lets you doubt yourself, he is always there with his lovely distractions and sweet words.

[asraxfile]

…_〆(゜▽゜*) ⠀⠀⠀⠀Wait for your love.

synosis: Minnie was always a better option than your ex anyway trope: best friends to lovers pairing: Minnie x fem!reader genre: fluff warnings: reader crying, kissing word count: 957

A/n: these days I'm getting so many ideas that I dont know which one should I write first. This one inspired me by Ariana's new album Eternal Sunshine with a nice bff to lovers with Minnie. Enjoyy ^^

[10.23pm]

It was a calm and peaceful night. Slight fresh breeze washing through the city’s streets. The moon shone higher and higher as most of the citizens were already ready to finish their day and go to sleep. Minnie just got back from work feeling exhausted.

The preparations for the group’s new comeback were going excellently, but she would lie if she said it wasn’t tiring. She walked up the stairs of her dorm until she got a bunch of loud notifications. She sighed and took her phone to check who was spamming her. A slight smile played at the corner of her lips after she saw it was from you, her crush.

From far as Minnie knew, she has always had a crush on you. Ever since she met you it’s like you brought colors in her world. She could really be her true self when she was with you and she loved you dearly for that. But she was too afraid of ruining your friendship if she ever confessed, she was your best friend, and she won’t let anyone change that.

Well, despite her fear of ruining the relationship you have, there was one more problem that was stopping her, your boyfriend.

Ever since you got in a relationship with him about 5 months ago, Minnie kind of distanced herself from you. Of course she was there and you two sometimes hung out but not as much as Minnie wanted. She was jealous of course but what could she do? She wanted you to be happy even if it means that you’re happy with someone else.

But as soon as she saw what made you text her a million messages her smile dropped from her face.

[10.45pm]

Soft tears escaped your eyes while you hugged Minnie, resting your forehead against her shoulder as she held your upper arms. “I hate him for doing this to me, Minnie. I knew this would happen. I knew he would eventually leave me.” Wiping your eyes you looked at your worried best friend.

Minnie’s heart sank at the thought of you suffering for someone who wasn't even good for you, but even if she hated him for breaking up with you(over literal text), she was still here, comforting you. She wiped the tear that slipped on your cheek and looked deep at you with her almond eyes.

“You didn’t do anything wrong Y/n. He is a coward for breaking up with you and not even daring to face you. I’m so angry at him for making you feel like this, you deserve someone better.” She held your cheek as she calmed you down with her words.

You leaned into Minnie's embrace, seeking comfort in her warmth. She knew she couldn't erase the pain you were feeling, but she could damn well try to make you feel better. “I’m tired of waiting for the better. Maybe there’s no one better for me. Who would love someone so dumb and naive like me, Min?"

With low faith your words slipped out of your mouth. Minnie’s heart ached at your doubting words, she finally had enough. She held you tighter as you sank into her embrace. “Don’t say it like that. Don’t ever doubt your worth just because a fool of a man left you. He couldn’t see what was right in front of him—a beautiful soul, full of love, you deserve so much more than what he could give to you.”

After hearing those words, a spark of hope flickered in your heart. You held Minnie's arms as you let go of her embrace and moved to face her. Minnie’s words surely didn’t sound unmeaningful to you. "Minnie," you whispered, your voice trembling with emotion, "thank you. Thank you for being here for me, for believing in me when I couldn't believe in myself." in response, Minnie’s eyes softened at your thanks to her. “Always Y/n,” she smiled as she held your hand. “I’ll always be there for you.”

In that quiet moment, Minnie couldn’t control herself. She was briefly lost in your pretty eyes. It all happened in a second and she closed the gap between you and her, placing a heartfelt kiss on your lips. A gasp escaped your mouth as you pulled back, your eyes widened in shock at the unexpected kiss. Minnie's own eyes widened in surprise, her cheeks flushing with a delicate pink blush as she realized what she just did.

"I-I'm sorry, Y/n," Minnie stuttered out, her voice shaking in nervousness, her hand immediately pulling away from yours. "I didn't mean to–” But before she could finish her sentence, you reached out, gently cupping Minnie's cheek and kissing her back. Maybe, just maybe, this was something you wanted to do a couple of times already. As you held Minnie’s cheek, she gently brushed her hand over yours. You pulled back, looking at her confused eyes as you let out a slight chuckle. “It’s okay, Min. I know you did mean to do this.” You whispered as Minnie’s flushed cheeks got even redder.

“Y/n I…” Minnie started still looking at your eyes with a shocked look. “I want to be someone more than your best friend to you.” She whispered out as your eyes scanned her features. In response, you just smiled. “You were always someone more than my best friend Minnie, I was just so blind to see that.” You confessed pulling her into a big hug.

That night Minnie was happier than ever. She will surely prove to you that she is a better option for you, of course she will. She has always been the better one for you and she’s happy you finally realized that.

[howlsofbloodhounds]

howl, if you want killer to get worse, i can give you him getting worse csbhbdjs

imagine in the scenario where killer gets to see color after such a long time, he just lets all his carefully suppressed emotions and thoughts burst like a dam. words just tumbles out his mouth incoherently, coated in lies and truths and fear and anger. killer would present more stable in front of color because he wants color to feel like he's doing something right, that killer is not irreversibly broken. but now in front of his savior, his safe sanctuary, he can't help but string together his confession (love confession? confession of sins?) that is somehow so familiar on his tongue. it's okay, if he makes this sound good enough, just like with chara and nightmare, color will forgive him.

'color i'm so sorry. for i have failed you. for what i did to you. for what i allowed to be done to you. please don't throw me away. please don't throw me away. please don't leave me. oh god, please let me have this. please let me have my happy ending with you. god, forgive me, you can have me in any way you want. i'd do everything for you. for you. so don't leave.'

and like, color just stands there, slowly realizing the extent of killer's devotion to him. this cannot be healthy for either of them. color can't be killer's everything. but then, what's the solution? he can't leave killer like this, so emotionally unstable, so vulnerable. so he just holds killer in his arms, letting killer soak in the warmth of his body. color doesn't say anything because he dreads what killer would do. every word he says, killer would take as gospel. maybe he just hates killer a little bit, for making him so afraid of himself. but his hatred never takes root because deep down color cares for killer too much. in contrast with killer's immense LOVE, color has genuine love flowing in him for everything, and that includes killer too.

Sobbbing killer i hate you & i love you u miserable bastard.

killer learn to start living for yourself please i am begging 🙏.

and i still can’t help picture the tenderness between color and killer. like even when killer forces and manipulates a punishment he keeps praising color or like..gently reverently and lightly caressing colors bones with his bloody broken fingers and cooing and color can fucking tell hes not even aware of what’s happening anymore and losing blood and then imagine whenever he starts slipping into stage 1.

like it starts with the tears, and the confused wiping away of them and the self deprecating laugh and the wobbling soul and then it escalates to a sudden look of confusion and hurt and pain and suddenly killer starts trembling and sobbing and he instinctively flinches when color reaches for him and that just shatters colors soul but he keeps going to hold him because he knows killer needs it and killers all tense and cringing away until exhaustion gets him and slumps in colors arms and uggh like killer curling up in a small ball in the middle of their shared bed and clearly trying to hide from color and like

color just has to try and keep it together until killer passes out. and then hell bandage him and clean him and get him ready for bed and then fucking go lay on the couch and cry himself to sleep

{ @what-have-i-unleashed }. (Ur user is what im currently asking myself lmao)

[in-act-ive]

Okay so could you maybe write something were the reader and carl talk about their future together and just plan out everything in full Detail and like just fluff and more fluff with them beinge excited for it

Yeah sure! You're gonna make me cry Anon ( joking! )

Carl Grimes x NB/GN!reader

Request : yep!

Type : story

A / N : I hope this is what you wanted! I apologize for no w/c. I totally forgot to do it! This takes place before Glenn's death because i stopped paying attention after that ( I'm not as informed on anything after that! ) I also don't remember everything an I need to rewatch some parts so I apologize if its at all wrong!

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Carl, Rick, Glenn, and yourself were out on a run. You ended up in a huge forest and even if Rick wouldn't admit it, you were probably lost. Glenn was at the back and Rick was at the front leaving you and Carl in the middle.

Carl was way too focused on his dad and what he was mumbling to himself so you decided to break the very awkward silence.

"So, Carl, what do you have planned for the future?" You asked, taking a small step to stand in front of him. You spun around slightly to face him. You didn't mind having to walk backwards. He hummed thoughtfully before speaking.

Carl looked slightly annoyed when he stepped in front of him, his grip on his gun tightening slightly. "Dunno." He shrugged

You gasped in offense at the comment. Carl rolled his eyes and let out a long sigh. Once the conversation starter failed your ears were filled with the sound of four sets of foot steps crunching the dead leaves, pine needles, and loose sticks below them, Rick's soft mumbling that seemed to just be nonsense, and Carl's heavy breathing. You sighed and fell back to Carl's side with angry huff.

You four sat in silence for the next half mile or so. The only real conversation was Glenn reassuring Rick that he knew what he was doing. And that he didn't need to worry.

You let your head fall back in anger at the silence. You looked up at the darkening sky and the sudden sound of Rick's voice made you jump and pull your gun up, your grip on it tightening.

"We should set up camp. You three look exhausted." Rick spoke firmly. When he watched you jump and move your gun he put his hand out to stop you. Carl put his hand over the barrel of your gun and softly pushed it down into a less threatening position.

'Setting up camp' was more of 'roll your sleeping bags out' cause Rick never let you carry a tent. You pulled your bag off and used the strap at the top to hang it on a low hanging branch. You pulled the sleeping bag out from its stop on your bag and you threw it out with a small noise.

You flopped on the thin fabric and sighed. Carl set his down beside you.

After Rick set up a fire and made you some ehat you assumed were beans he made his own food and went to bed. Glenn followed soon after leaving you and Carl up alone.

"Okay Carl, I'm not going to call you a liar--" You paused and tilted your head to the side to think about it. "Never mind I am going to call you a liar. You've got to have some plan for the future." You pushed. Carl looked at you kinda irritated before sighing.

"Tell me about your plans sense you're so invested." Carl commented. You didn't even take the time to consider that Carl had just avoided your question.

You thought for a moment. "Well! I wanna find love, obviously. Definitely get myself my own house of some sort. Get like my own sanctuary kinda thing!" You smiled happily as you explained.

Carl smiled, seeing you happy anf talk about something that made you so excited made him happy. You'd always brought a smile to the boys face no matter what you did. He thought of you as one of the few people who genuinely stayed happy in this whole mess.

Once you had finished talking he decided to give ideas. "Well... You could make a town of sorts. Find any animals, if there still are any, and raise them and such so food. Make it near a river so you can have water--" Carl was cut off by you speaking.

"You could help me run it!" Your eyes lit up. Carl looked at you confused for a moment. Not even knowing if he could deal with all that. He shook his head while smiling.

Carl finally looked up at you again before speaking, "I don't think so. I think you'd do much better without me." He spoke softly.

You were very offended. You pulled your head back in mock disgust before laughing softly. "I beg to differ!" You huffed at him.

You and Carl had always been attached at the hip. Even if he was a lot tougher than your more excited and happy self. You two rarely did anything without the other and you did not plan on changing that tradition, at all.

You'd been the one to calm Carl's constant need to be cool and show off to the adults. While on the other hand Carl was there to make sure you didn't let everyone push you around and to make sure you didn't fo anything too stupid.

Carl sighed at you and you sighed back, mocking him. He finally thought of what to say. "Y / N, as much as I'd love too you need to learn that you can live without me for five minutes." He looked very serious but his eyes were laces with something you couldn't quite put your finger on.

"Shut up! You know you'd love to help." You crossed your arms across your chest in frustration.

Carl laughed and set his hand on your knee, something he often did to make you know he was there. Or when he was about to say something he knew would make you happy.

He looks at you, deadpan. "You know I would." A small smirk plays at the side of his lips. "What's your plan?" He watches as your face lights up.

You're practically screaming with excitement at that. He quickly has to put his hand over your mouth to ensure you don't wake Glenn and Rick up.

"Really?" Your voice was muffled through his hand. Carl nodded softly.

Carl pulled his hand away and wiped it on his pants. You roll your eyes but kept your mouth shut for the time being. Once you actually found the words you spoke excitedly while whisper screaming. "You actually wanna hear?" Your eyes were shining.

Carl couldn't help but laugh at yout excitement. "Yep, of course." He nodded, his voice seemed a lot smoother than usual. Clearly he was trying to calm your excitement.

You didn't even know where to start. You hadn't planned anything around Carl being involved so you'd have to tweak some things.

You hummed while deep in thought. Carl looked intently at you. "Well.. Once we find a good town thats not completely rundown we can make walls around it! There's forests for miles so that means a lot of wood." You explain. Carl really didn't need the extra stuff about how you'd get wood but he didn't want to interrupt your excited rant.

Carl just nodded and made small 'mhm' noises as you spoke about resources. "Like you said it'd be helpful to be near water and hopefully some farm land for food. Maybe if we find any animals in this mess, which I highly doubt, we can have pastures!" You went on. Clearly not stopping for anything.

Carl softly smacked your knee to make you go silent for a moment so he can add a suggestion. "You could have a small market. Dad talks about these things called farmers markets. People bring stuff they've grown or made and sell them." Carl tilted his head to the side as he watched you think.

You nodded excitedly. Carl and yourself talked for hours until Glenn woke up na d told you both to sleep.

The next day, neither adults were excited to deal with the two exhausted teens

Note: This was not spell checked nor grammer checked! I apologize in advance for the mistakes