#and lost friends because of my own inability to shut up and think for a second

[infectiouspiss]

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[sapphic-agent]

Let's Talk About Izuku and Bakugou's Relationship

Happy New Year, everyone! Thought I'd kick 2024 off with a new post. I haven't written an in-depth analysis in a while, so I figured now was a good time.

So, I've touched on this before, many times in fact. If you've seen my other posts, you know that I think that the BKDK relationship is a clusterfuck of codependency, abuse, and toxicity. But I don't think I've ever analyzed it frame-by-frame, so here's an attempt.

Childhood

The lake scene has the most focus than any other flashback in the series. It's meant to show us why Bakugou hated Izuku; he assumed Izuku looked down on him and saw him as weak. It's supposed to support the idea that Bakugou has an inferiority complex that's been present since he was a kid and that's why he lashes out at Izuku and wants to be rid of him. Because Izuku makes him feel weak.

But this isn't true. Or, it doesn't paint the whole picture.

One thing the lake scene seems to gloss over is the fact that Bakugou was always mean to Izuku. Maybe he wasn't as harsh and could be written off as just a kid being a kid, but he still made fun of him. He still went out of his way to make him feel bad about himself and humiliate him. He called him "Deku" way before either of them were (or weren't) given a quirk.

And he only ever did this to Izuku, not the other kids part of his posse. He, even at such a young age, saw Izuku as an easy target, someone he could easily shove around because he knew Izuku wouldn't fight back (this would persist for the next ten years).

It's important to note that there's only one instance where Bakugou's behavior towards Izuku turns violent. It's when Izuku defends a kid that Bakugou and his posse are picking on. This is the moment where Bakugou becomes physically aggressive; not when he found out Izuku was quirkless, during the lake, or any time before. It's here, when Izuku stops being the defenseless wimp who won't stand up to him. He doesn't like that Izuku stepped out of the mold he had confined him to (I'll come back to this later).

The truth of their childhood together is that Bakugou was always inherently awful to Izuku. It wasn't like he experienced one bad moment that flipped a switch, Bakugou liked picking on Izuku from day one.

Middle School

There isn't much to say about their days at Aldera other than it's just a progression of escalation from their childhood. They've settled into their roles as abuser and victim. Bakugou knows he can say and do whatever he wants and Izuku won't defend himself because it's been the status quo for a decade.

He revels in that power he has over him, likes to remind Izuku of his "place." And if he steps out of line, Bakugou exerts that power over him to shut him right down, stressing his inability to do anything about his situation. It's a cycle of abuse.

Deku vs Kacchan Part 1

I've already talked about this scene before, but this is also another example as to what I was alluding to above.

As @delawaredetroit pointed out in a post from a while ago, Bakugou isn't feeling betrayed here. He himself has said time and time again that he and Izuku weren't friends. He cares about the fact that his victim now has power of his own.

All their lives, Bakugou had the power and Izuku was powerless. That was the dynamic they were used to and the one that Bakugou was aware and repeatedly took advantage of. But now, Izuku isn't powerless or defenseless. He no longer fits the mold that Bakugou had tied him to since childhood. That's why Bakugou is so upset; not because Izuku kept something from him but because the power imbalance between was shifting.

And it's why he tries to use guilt-tripping here. He wants Izuku to feel bad, wants to reestablish some of the control over him he just lost. And it works, because Izuku tells him he inherited his quirk completely unprompted after the fact. Bakugou knows he has the power in their relationship and has no issues abusing that power.

Sports Festival

I don't have much to say here, but I would like to point out something very inconsistent concerning Bakugou's interpretation of his relationship with Izuku. He claims that Izuku kept following him around and that he couldn't get rid of him, which attributed to his dislike. But even if that was true when they were 5, it's actually the opposite at least from middle school on.

Bakugou went out of his way to target Izuku in the first chapter/episode. He also tracked him down after the Sludge Villain incident. He's initiated every one of their confrontations in UA. And here, he deliberately eavesdropped on Izuku's conversation with Todoroki.

I don't know whether to call it hypocrisy or ignorance, but Izuku was content to leave Bakugou alone. Bakugou's the one who's constantly harassing and obsessing over him.

Final Exams

Izuku daring to display confidence and competence invokes immediate physical violence in Bakugou. He doesn't like that Izuku is talking to him like he's an equal, he doesn't like that Izuku dares to step outside of his role as a victim. Bakugou wants Izuku to act like he's below him and gets agitated when he doesn't do that. He, in this moment, cared more about putting Izuku in his place than his own grade.

Deku vs Kacchan Part 2

I mentioned that BKDK is codependent in the beginning of the post. This is what I mean.

Bakugou can't cope with the fact that he isn't the best and takes it out on the only target he has. Izuku had nothing to do with his shortcomings, but he still felt the need to establish superiority over him; a grasp for some measure of control.

Like I said above, he's well aware of the power he has over Izuku. Do you think he would have tried this with Todoroki? Or Tokoyami? Or Iida? No, because he knows that none of them would have even dignified him with a response. But he knows he can control Izuku in a way he can't with other people. He feels comfortable treating only Izuku as his emotional and physical punching bag.

The Apology

It's interesting that prior to apologizing for treating him badly, Bakugou proceeds to treat Izuku badly.

This interaction is important because it's their first major conflict after Bakugou's "redemption." We're supposed to be at the point where he's changed. But he still resorts to insults and goading. His first instinct is still to put Izuku down.

I've said most of what I needed to about the apology. But I do want to mention that coming from Bakugou's mouth, it grossly understates what happened during those ten years. Because the abuser is the one telling the story, his transgressions don't seem that bad. He's the one controlling the narrative, so his classmates- Izuku's friends- don't know the full story. They don't know what Bakugou put Izuku through. Bakugou comes off looking sympathetic to their peers by speaking "his truth."

Was this his intention? Probably not as Bakugou doesn't really care what others think about him. But it does raise the point that this is the extent as to how Bakugou sees his past self; as a stubborn, overzealous child and not the abuser that he was

[hard-core-super-star]

How about Reader is a stunt driver and loves cars, she's best friends with Griffin and hailee has a huge crush on her. (Hailee Steinfeld x fem reader.)

remind me i'm alive [H.Steinfed]

pairing: hailee steinfeld x stuntdriver!reader

summary: your day off takes a sudden turn when your best friend's sister decides to finally make a move after silently pining after you for far too long.

warnings: none; half an inch of plot; idiots in love; hailee being a flustered mess while R struggles to read between the lines; griffin being tired of watching the mess; R has a corvette because i love subtle references

wordcount: 2k

a/n: full disclosure, i wrote this with bumblebee era hailee in mind so do with that information what you will. it's not super noticeable but just thought you should know. also, i know even less about cars than i do about sports so...an attempt was made and i'll leave it at that. i was originally going to make this angsty and full of plot but i decided against it and just wrote a bunch of fluff. hope you like it!

* * * * * * *

Today was supposed to be a normal day off. 

You weren’t needed on set until next week which meant you had more than enough time to hang out with your best friend and mess around with your endless works in progress.

The chosen project of the day was letting Griffin do a simple tune-up on your precious 1970 Corvette. 

You’re more than capable of doing it on your own but you’re pretty sure he’s in love with your car and you’re not about to deny him the opportunity to be the one he loves.

And there’s also the fact that his sister said she was coming over today. Which makes your behavior today a lot less normal than usual.

You hate to admit it but almost every time you come over to Griffin’s house you end up sitting around and hoping Hailee will decide to show up. You know it’s weird and borderline creepy but despite all the time you spend with her brother, it’s practically impossible for you to spend time with her.

There’s always something that gets in the way. Usually, it’s your schedules, sometimes it’s your inability to talk to her like a normal person due to your badly hidden feelings for her, and every once in a while, it’s Hailee herself. 

There was a time when you thought she hated you since she always seemed to find a way to avoid being around you. Griffin swears it was because you made her too flustered to be able to hang out alone with you. You think he’s insane but he swears it’s true. And maybe it is true, it’s hard to tell though considering how adorably awkward the brunette can be sometimes, regardless of who she’s with. 

It’s one of the things you find most endearing about her. Not that you’d ever admit that out loud.

“So, what do you think?”

You turn to look at Griffin, your eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Think about what?”

He chuckles. “You didn’t hear a single word I said did you?”

“Sorry, I guess I got lost in my thoughts.”

There’s a subtle smirk on his face that tells you he knows exactly what’s got you so distracted. You’ve never admitted your feelings for his sister to him but he’s not blind and he knows you well enough to recognize the signs. “You need a break. And I know the perfect person to keep you company.”

“Oh, shut up,” you say with an eye roll.

“Hey, you’re the one who can’t focus. Just do us both a favor and go talk to Hailee. I need some time away from you.”

You glare at him while he laughs at the look on your face. You give him a well-earned punch to the arm before walking away. “Asshole.” 

“Right back at you, y/n!”

You let your heart lead the way out of the garage and into Griffin’s house where you find Hailee in the kitchen, leaning against the kitchen island. She doesn’t notice you walk in since all her focus is on her phone and you can’t help but take advantage of the moment to give her a small scare as payback for all the times she sneaks up behind you and tries to tackle you.

“What are you looking at?”

“Jesus!” She exclaims with a startled jump, her phone dropping out of her hands and sliding across the kitchen island. “Warn a person, you jerk!”

You want to apologize, you really do, but it’s impossible for you to hold back your laugh considering the downright offended look that covers her face. Her eyes narrow while your laughter shakes your whole body. 

She’s clearly not impressed by your reaction but you swear you can see the corners of her mouth quirk up a little. “Alright, that’s it, I’m taking your car for a drive.”

You assume she’s kidding although that slight twinkle in her eyes should be more than enough proof that she’s not bluffing. Still, like an idiot, you make no move to argue against her words…until she stands up and starts running toward the garage.

You chase after her without a second thought. “Hailee, wait!”

“Oh, now you want to talk?” She teases. “It’s a bit too late, y/l/n!”

You almost burst out laughing again but you force yourself to keep it together and focus on running after her. Seriously, since when is the garage so far away?

“Don’t you dare lay a hand on my baby, Steinfeld!”

The two of you make it into the garage where your beautiful Corvette awaits with Griffin nowhere to be found. And of course, your best friend decided to leave the keys in the ignition because he’s a genius.

“You need better hobbies,” she says matter-of-factly as she reaches the front door of your car.

Thankfully, she gets distracted by her own comment long enough for you to erase the remaining space between your bodies. You come up behind her and wrap your arms around her waist in a tight embrace.

There’s a second where you forget what it is that you’re doing, too overwhelmed by the feeling of Hailee’s warm body pressed against yours to remember all the reasons that keep you from telling her the truth about the depth of your affection for her. It’s like you get a glimpse into what your life would be like if you weren’t such a coward. 

And if your feelings were mutual. Which feels more impossible than the plot of all the Transformers movies combined.

The moment passes as quickly as it came and suddenly, you’re lifting the brunette off the ground while she yells increasingly ridiculous obscenities at you. You’re pretty sure she declares you a ‘car fucker’ at some point but her words come out too fast and jumbled for you to understand her. 

You’re not sure where you’re going with her but you know you don’t want her anywhere near your precious car right now. You’re mainly just being dramatic (although she is a notoriously bad driver) but it’s also been way too long since you’ve seen her so carefree and you want to do everything in your power to keep that smile on her face.

Even if it means carrying her around her brother’s house like a doofus while you try your hardest not to accidentally drop her.

“Okay, okay, you’ve made your point,” she says, unsuccessfully holding back a laugh. “Put me down, y/n.”

“Fine, stop your whining.”

You walk over to the couch and drop her down onto it. You’re too focused on making sure she doesn’t fall to the ground to notice her reach her arm out to grab you. Her hand grips your forearm tightly and she pulls you down with her. 

You let out a small groan as you land on the couch…or, more accurately, as you land on top of the adorable brunette.

Your face heats up the instant you realize the position you’re in. Despite your nervous embarrassment, you make no attempt to move away. It’s mainly because you don’t want to but the arm wrapped around your waist also has something to do with your hesitancy to get up.

You place your hand next to her head and lift yourself up a little so you can look down at her. You raise an eyebrow in a silent question that she completely ignores. 

“Hi,” she whispers.

You’re so close that you swear you feel the warmth of her breath hit your lips. 

“Hi,” you reply, doing your best to keep your gaze on her eyes. “Was there a point to this or is this your version of a good hobby?”

The ghost of a smile crosses her face when you throw her words back at her. “That depends.” 

“On what?”

“On what happens if I…” She trails off as she leans forward a little, your breath catching in your throat at the sight. “Do this.”

The space between your lips disappears the next second leaving you breathless in a way you’ve never experienced before. 

The kiss is slow and exploratory, almost as if you’re both afraid of scaring the other with all the unspoken desires you’re harboring inside of yourselves. It's everything you've ever wanted but have never had the courage to ask for.

You're about to let your hands join in on the exploration when you hear Griffin’s voice coming from down the hall. “y/n? Hailee? Where'd you guys run off to?”

You instantly pull away from her and come crashing back down to reality. A reality that feels a lot like the worn-out carpet that covers the floor of your best friend’s living room. Clearly, you had overshot your movements when you pulled away from Hailee’s lips and now you look more like an idiot than you originally planned.

She doesn't seem to mind if her laughter is anything to go by. 

“I…do I even wanna ask?” 

“Nope,” you reply to Griffin. “Are you done with my car?”

“Yeah, everything’s good. You might want to change your tires soon though. Or just stop speeding.”

“I do not speed!” You argue back even though you both know you're lying. It's a bad habit you've always had that's only gotten worse since you started working as a stunt driver. You know your best friend has the same problem though so you don't feel too ashamed about it.

“Whatever helps you sleep at night,” he says before he throws your keys at you. 

You catch them and quickly rise to your feet. Speaking of bad habits… “Well, this was fun, I’m gonna go.”

“Already?” Griffin questions you. “I thought you had the day off?”

“I do and I love you but I need some time away from you.” 

He rolls his eyes in response, an action that reminds you way too much of the brunette you’re currently trying to run away from. “Okay, I had that coming. We still on for lunch tomorrow?”

“Only if you’re paying,” you reply with a grin as you start to make your way toward the garage once again.

You know you probably look an asshole for walking away without a glance toward Hailee but it’s an instinctual response that you can’t quite bring yourself to get in the way of. You’re not sure what it is that makes you react like this. Maybe it’s the fact that you’ve definitely fallen in love with your best friend’s sister and there’s no way you’re going to be able to hide it any longer. 

Or maybe you just need a few minutes to really come to terms with the fact that Hailee kissed you.

She looked at you with the softest look imaginable on her face and kissed you. 

And now you’re running away.

You’re a second away from turning around and walking back inside when you hear footsteps approaching. “Where are you gonna go?”

You smile despite yourself the second you hear her voice. The two of you walk side by side until you reach your car. “I don't know. I’ll probably drive to the beach or something. I need some fresh air.”

“I, uh, I could go with you,” she offers, her cheeks tinted the softest shade of pink. “We just…we never get the chance to hang out and I, um, I think we should talk.”

You're sure you've never heard the brunette so nervous before and the mere sight is more than enough to get your heart racing.

“Are you sure you’re going to be able to focus long enough for that?” You ask, unable to stop yourself from teasing her a little when you catch her eyes drifting down to your lips.

She lets out a warm chuckle. “I make no promises.”

You push away your own nervousness and hesitation, choosing instead to dive into this newfound connection with her. You don't say anything in response but you open the passenger door for her in a silent invitation.

She accepts with a breathtaking smile. Her lips brush against your cheek before she climbs into your car. You stare at her with a dumbfounded look on your face for a few seconds, unable to understand how someone so perfect even exists.

You hate to admit it but Griffin was right. Somehow, against all odds, Hailee wants you and you'd be a fool to let her go.

[justheretoposttrash]

day 9 in endhawks hell (actually over a year in endhawks hell but moving on):

not one to spread apocryphal info on the internet but my very unverified source (my friend) told me that losing a right arm in anime/japanese media symbolizes shame, disgrace, some other kinda downfall, or the need to redeem oneself. to be clear i have not found an actual source on this, but it definitely would explain a LOT (tears of the kingdom, aot, fma, hunter x hunter, so many more)

and big surprise, that all 100% tracks with endeavor's loss of his arm. if we were to assume all the symbolism is true and accurately described by me (which i encourage not to assume outside of this post), it's very interesting that endeavor loses it in the afo fight protecting hawks rather than in his fight with touya.

it should be noted that him losing his temper is what indirectly places hawks (and tokoyami and jiro) in danger, bc his rage at afo opened him up to injury and being absent from part of the fight in the first place. i also appreciate that, when hawks shouts at endeavor to "keep a cool head" in the face of afo's psychological warfare and endeavor fails to do so, hawks very clearly doesn't view this as weakness, but as a natural human reaction and is mainly worried about him--whereas endeavor is furious with himself right after the fact.

he says it outright in the text--that from the beginning, the whole tragedy, even his rage at afo leading to his current injury, is all only made possible because of the wounds he inflicted on his family in the first place. it's also notable that endeavor's inability to manage his anger, rather than having anger at all, was a core aspect of his abusive outbursts in the past, and his initial fall to afo in this fight. his temper continues to be a source of problems for himself and those around him.

and while endeavor made an overt mistake, hawks made a covert one: it is confronting his own emotions, rather than shutting them away (making a "clean break", as it were), that allows endeavor to re-enter the fight in full.

in result, endeavor's struggles with his own shame create an opportunity for hawks to be killed, but in accepting his shame, he saves him. (aside: the playful echo of "keep a cool head" in the above panel is so ridiculous. non-judgmental, trusting, teasing--knowing, yet forgiving/appreciative--like hawks and his intern hadn't just nearly died, lmao. arms were lost but there's always time to squeeze in a wisecrack)

this also fits well with hawks initially thinking that it's because endeavor is in an emotionally vulnerable place that he couldn't fight touya without losing (read: dying).

hawks initially felt certain that endeavor needed his support and protection because the man wasn't shutting his emotions away--but it's after endeavor is able to resurge back with his emotionality intact that hawks reverses his decision and is the one encouraging him to be the one to confront touya. and with full confidence! (the, uh, touya fight was a hair's breadth from ~not going well~, but let's not tell hawks that right now lol)

to slightly shift back to this "clean break" moment: by contrasting himself against endeavor, who is trying to do better = still vulnerable to the past = has emotions that the enemy can exploit, hawks implies that he doesn't see himself as being the same on *any* of those counts, which is a sad thing to realize. shutting off his heart? not being a better person than he was before? this implication would have benefitted from more intentional and clear closure in the manga (i think the single tiny frame of hawks talking with tokoyami in 430 is just *fine*, ish), but at any rate, endeavor certainly sets a solid example of a person learning to open themself up to these sorts of things, and those lessons are ones hawks could very much use.

anyway, in short, thematically/symbolically/what-have-you, endeavor's work towards atoning for his family, taking more emotional accountability, and accepting emotions rather than rejecting them is connected to inspiring hawks, doing right by him, and even saving him a second time.

[linktoo]

Watching Alien 9 - how it's perceived and what it wanted to say

Warnings for themes of abuse and implied sexual assault. 

Two things before I start: I watched the subbed version of this, and also there are only 4 episodes if you want to check it out yourself, it’s very short.  

I started watching Alien 9 basically knowing nothing about it. It's an older anime, released back in 2001 so there isn't much internet discussion about it for each episode. But I remember watching it slowly realizing there’s a lot to unpack here. The art direction is beautiful and the dialogue is actually really strong. I went out of my way to look for analysis I could find on the internet because there was a lot that I couldn’t really put into words… but I very quickly came across an ongoing issue.

I guess this is probably a common problem with a lot of media that came out before the internet became the juggernaut that it has become today. The discussion you tend to find doesn’t seem to be very cleaned up or very nuanced - a lot of it is also probably lost to time with discussion forums and personal websites shutting down. But all I saw were really outdated remarks, like “oh kasumi’s the lolicon" and "this is pedo bait”, etc. It was gross and frustrating. So I wanted to talk about it in-depth.  

The anime is initially presented to be a cute slice-of-life anime. Set in a regular school with a sci-fi twist, it gives off a cheery sweet vibe, but even from the very beginning, there was always such an off vibe to it all. With the music fluctuating between cute and off-kilter and discordant. Every shot feels vaguely oppressive, trying to hide something that should be immediately within your line of sight if you were there yourself. You immediately get a sense that something is wrong. 

Not to mention so many silent shots of this looming, grotesque-looking alien pod that looms over the school with weapons. 

Someone commented that the OST for this anime like “a child with anxiety” which is such a great way to describe it! It’s filled with lots of very juvenile, bouncy tunes (like lots of recorders and kazoos and xylophones and horns), even with motifs that sound similar to nursery rhymes like “Mary Had a Little Lamb” but in a minor key. It gives a very jaunty feeling while distinctly feeling off. I think it also has a very soldierly, elementary school vibe to it - like the sound of a bell and young students chanting together in unison like a military cadence. There are instances of kids singing as a choir, giving a religious, holy aspect to certain tracks. It also mixes in synthy, crazy bonker wet sounding and snappy sound samples for the alien feel of it all. It’s erratic. And it’s so cohesive!! I really don’t know much about music composition, but it’s so distinctive to fit the narrative and themes of the show and I love it. Check it out if you’re interested, it’s so funky: [x]

The show focuses on three 12-year-old girls, being tasked with capturing and subduing aliens  with guns, roller skates, and symbiotic aliens that are attached to their heads and feed on their body fluids. Yeah. That’s a bit overwhelming. 

And Yuri Otani, the main character, gets so much shit for hating it. She was forced into it, in a very isolating method of basically the entire classroom ganging up to all vote for her to join (no one wanted to join themselves). The other two, Kumi and Kasumi, are very competent in their own way, which makes Yuri’s inability to capture these very understandably disturbing, pulsating creatures look foolish in comparison.

She cries. Yuri cries a lot. She’s already had a very overwhelming fear with anything that pertains to aliens and left to her own devices she collapses, faints, shudders, wails, and shuts down throughout the entire show. 

And understandably so, it’s creepy and gross and absolutely horrid! It doesn’t get any better!! But everyone around her acts like fighting these aliens are completely normal. Her peers are passive about her distress. Her one kind classmate friend tells her it’s not that bad because of the emergency perks. The adults around her tell her to just stick it out. The other two peers in the alien fighter club frankly have their own concerns and it’s more than just a bit of a liability that Yuri can barely defend herself at all. 

Yuri in turn struggles with depression every moment she isn’t fighting aliens. She can't get out of bed in the morning. She zones out, at home and at work. It’s very resonant with me, because that kind of depression is debilitating and takes over so much of your life - you’re seen as lazy when really, you quite literally can’t function unless someone firmly and continuously forces you to do something. It’s upsetting to watch. 

There are invasive, sexual overtones to this story. A lot of people have likened it to an allegory of puberty where your body is rapidly changing and just in general everything feels very confusing and upsetting. Being taken advantage of because you aren’t experienced. The danger that these adults put these children in and tell them just to figure it out or basically die trying, is very reminiscent of a lot of real societal pressure for kids to grow up with very little emotional support. To “toughen” them up, because one day they have to face this big scary world alone. It’s uncomfortable and it gets worse as the story progresses. 

I don’t want to get into it too much, but there is an allegorical gang rape scene that occurs to Yuri in episode 2. The Hunt club advisor already recognized that she was struggling with alien capturing and was instructed to feed the aliens alone, without the help of the other two members to keep her safe. There, three boys who willingly attached aliens to their head and have had this odd fixation on Yuri for several days, find her all alone. It’s violent. Their drills are overtly phallic themed. I can’t get over the haunting statement of her friend calling her “miss popular” just a few hours beforehand. Their attention was NEVER wanted and that framing is so unsettling to me, like the way people say women who were sexually assaulted were “asking for it”. It’s one of the most disturbing parts of the whole show.

It’s repulsive what they do to her. And her pain is destructive not to herself, but everyone around her. 

And how she immediately collapses when she sees the one person that has always been the closest thing to emotional support throughout the entire show. 

There are very human moments in the show, when there are people that show signs of affection that they didn’t have to do, but did it because they cared about her and it makes all the difference.

Yuri’s one friend Miyu always waits to walk home with her. The alien capturing duties are very isolating from the rest of the school, and forces Yuri to stay very late after everybody leaves. But Miyu waits long hours, and at the end of the day, excitedly meets up with her. She invites Yuri to go shopping with her. It’s very obvious she looks forward to the time they spend together.

(E.g. Miyu reading the shopping manual, passing a note to Yuri in class, the way she runs up to meet Yuri when she’s free. It’s so sweet.)

You can even see the beams almost being prison bars that Yuri is momentarily free from. She’s the reason why Yuri gets enough courage and resolve to try her best again with alien fighting and bonding with the others of her own accord. It shows a lot about Yuri’s desire to do well with the insane tasks and responsibilities her adults give her, even when no one else notices. 

The other two members of the alien capturing club are Kumi and Kasumi.

And though they help Yuri out, it’s definitely a little of a drag for them. Kumi in particular has this deep rooted anger when Yuri begs for help. Her own situation at home reminds her that she is constantly relied on; to be the good sport, to be the mature one in every situation and make all the decisions for everyone. 

“I don’t feel like being nice. Not anymore.

[...]

You know something? I was the class leader from grade one onward. Being class leader sucks. All you do is look after other people and you even have to be responsible for what they do. I always got stuck doing all the crappy jobs. That's why I have this position now. So nobody can say to me ‘YOU be the leader.’ Back off and take care of your own problems.” - Kumi

You can even see her wardrobe tends to be clothes that make her more mature than she actually is, especially her black turtleneck. But she’s just a kid, too.

And to her, Yuri is another pathetic whiny colleague asking for her help. Again. And she’s tired.

Kasumi's own narrative definitely is its own disturbing, isolated situation. She’s seen to be the least upset out of the three of them in the whole series, always with a level head and a smile on her face. She’s a prodigy, and seemingly enjoys what she does. She loves everything - sports, playing music, scoring high on tests. But you can see how it feels rather empty, how she’s put herself in this situation to constantly affirm to all the adults in her life that she is well adjusted and super talented. I get the feeling she was not given the love and attention really needed as a child, and did everything she could to get some form of acknowledgement. Notably, her big brother who is noticeably absent the entire time. For… disturbingly what was implicated to be because of incest and grooming. She never quite recovers from the yellowknife alien taking advantage of her unhealthy dependency on him, as they weren’t able to save her before it symbiotically fused with her.

It's not until the traumatic incident Yuri goes through that it’s revealed that the three of them are emotionally bound and feel Yuri’s distress as if it's their own. It’s startling, like they realize that they all experienced that same terror individually, but Yuri’s is much more paralyzing. And understanding that distress, they become particularly protective about her. They only have each other that can ever fully understand what they’re going through at the moment. A classmate couldn’t ever really see that, and Kumi and Kasumi become the people in Yuri’s life that truly empathize with the situation.

and with all of them, Yuri SHINES.

Every time there is a kindness that someone extends to her, her eyes light up. She goes quiet and says, “I think I can stick this out, I think I can keep fighting for a little while longer” and god honestly it makes me feel so weepy. Being shown even one ounce of love, one little action that says “I want you to be here with me,” it gives so much weight to her as a person, someone that keeps her being like. I don’t know! Just a little kid!! Doing random kid stuff!!! It’s genuinely healing and the things they do to coax her out of her shell just a little bit brings levity of the show and moments that she can feel safe again.

You also really get to see as she’s encouraged to get over her fears on a much lower level of danger (swimming in an ocean, running through a “haunted” shrine) with her friends. Even when she’s heavily reminded of her traumatic experiences, she can always run away, back to her friends' arms. 

Notice I didn’t point out her advisor leading the alien capturing duties, because she obviously has no real care towards these kids. It’s honestly a little insidious, because every adult Yuri comes in contact with is female, and have this like, motherly/teacher tone that can SOUND nice and polite, but it’s cold. It’s distant. The three go through harrowing experiences and all the advisor can focus on is her job, and what it means for her. Just that it’s just a nuisance to her. 

“This is strange. I didn’t ask for this. I wonder if it got here by attaching itself to a spaceship. I haven’t even finished checking everyone’s summer homework. This is the last thing I needed!”

Obviously, that doesn’t even begin to talk about how she and the other adults are not transparent at all and have hidden intentions for the girls.

And I want to get into that as a narrative with the discussion online, because holy FUCK. 

It’s time to talk about the obvious Neon Genesis Evangelion (NGE) inspiration that touches the show, from the stark compositions and beautiful animation and notably, how the main character is struggling with depression and the overwhelming responsibility that’s piled onto him. It’s honestly such an interesting comparison to me especially since the two main characters are in starkly different (yet overwhelming) situations. While Shinji is a 16-year-old boy, Yuri is a 12-year-old girl and their societal expectations based on each identity sets them apart. 

Everyone really loves to compare Shinji and Yuri, even going so far as to say “Alien 9 is basically just NGE.” God. That’s a bit reductive of a comparison. You can see the way they talk about both of them, how useless and crybaby and whiny they both are perceived to be by this audience. 

They call Yuri “bitchy”, they call her “useless crybaby”, they call her stupid and moronic, but most importantly, they say she has 0 character development throughout the entire show. I want to take a second to process that, because trauma does NOT equal character development. 

And finally, I want to talk about one of the most casually unsettling parts of the show for me, personally:

Yuri’s teacher notices that she’s distracted and detached. She can’t focus on school. And her assumption?

That she’s thinking about summer vacation. And then, in the very next scene, Yuri asks to quit the alien capturing duties because she can’t take it anymore - and the teacher says THIS.

The hypocrisy and apathy in these two scenes. The way adults pretend they care but also assume every sign of distress means you're just lazy. It’s heartwrenching. Which one is it? Stop relaxing, or don’t be so uptight? It’s maddening to me. To change the narrative to suit your own assumptions about this child because really, Yuri doesn’t have a choice in the matter. And she continues to collapse under the weight of these responsibilities, and continue to be locked into something that she is completely incapable of handling. 

Yuri is so overwhelmed all she can do is shut down and cry and everyone just tells her to get over it like one day she'll snap and do her job no problem like she's not going through the most harrowing shit no one should ever go through ever in their lives. And she ends up screwing up more and more because they keep withdrawing all support to "toughen her up". They NEVER take her seriously, they never let her breathe because she's just a little crybaby girl who doesn't know what's best for her and it just keeps getting worse.

And that’s what is so haunting to me, to see such a common response from the audience watching this same show, to sound exactly like these adults. To take away from the show that Yuri is useless and bratty and should have snapped and fought back at one point, like a main protagonist in a hero’s journey converting their trauma into a badass version of themselves or something. I don’t know, there’s something to be said about how these tone deaf reviews were written and discussed by cis men, while one of the few blog posts I actually liked about Alien 9 was posted in 2021 by two women. There’s a bit of a whiplash to how people received this show on the internet based on who was watching and when.

Anyway, there’s still way more to unpack in terms of the other characters in the show, but I’ll leave it here. Alien 9 in all of its flaws and open-ended questions deserves to be engaged head on. It has its flaws and due to cancellation and budget cuts, was forced to leave on a cliffhanger on its fourth and final episode. A lot was left open. 

But it had a very particular set tone from the beginning, and there was a lot of deliberate intention behind their creative decisions. I’m tired of seeing people say “it’s sooo weird” and “they didn’t know what they were doing” for discussion. It’s definitely a show I keep thinking about on and off again.

[starlightandfairies]

Daryl Dixon x plus!size reader: Daryl and the reader are friends (but the reader wishes they were more because she is in love with daryl) and the reader joins Daryl to find more people they run into a bad group and it ends terribly and the reader and Daryl end up in France when they get to the nuns she notices Isabelle getting a little to close to Daryl the reader is jealous of course but she is very good at hiding her emotions so when they find the pre school with the kids that are surviving there before the reader joined Daryl to help get some medication for the kids teacher the reader ask Daryl if there is anything going on between him and Isabelle Daryl said there is nothing going on and why did she ask the reader tells him to forget she said anything but Daryl won’t let it go so the reader tells Daryl about her feelings and that he doesn’t have to say it back because she thinks he doesn’t feel to same way she just rambles on about how she finds herself ugly and Daryl shuts her up by kissing her and telling her he feels the same way and to stop talking bad about her self when they are back on the road taking Laurent (where Ever he needs to be taken sorry forgot the place) Laurent is being stubborn and won't get on the carriage so the reader gets down to talk to him and tells him that the reason he needs to go with him is because he is special and he is the key to curing the zombies and she promises that she won't let anything happen to him and that she will protect him with her life Laurent looks up to the reader because she is very pretty and she is a total badass because she is a good fighter and she puts herself in danger first so the people she cares about won't get hurt and she is very fearless and she doesn't like seeing good people die.

Description: The reader is forced to confess her feelings for Daryl after having suspicions that he loved Isabelle.

Warnings: swearing, fluff, she/her pronouns, twd violence, mentions of injury, insecurities. Based on Daryl's tv show episode 2

*Requests are open, please send through as many requests as you want, check my character list and requesting rules.*

Thanks so much for giving this request!!! I had fun writing it!!!

Key: Y/N = Your Name, POV = Point of view

Word Count: 1623

Daryl and I had know each other for quite a fair few years. After the battle of the Commonwealth, Daryl and I decided to go looking for Rick and Michonne. However, we got fucked over by another fucked up group of people and ended up in the water. I lost track of the days, I have no clue how long we have both been in the water. I felt a slapping against my cheeks, groaning and rolled to my side as woke up to find Daryl hovering by my side. 

After Daryl helped me up, I glanced around, knowing that we were not in America anymore. It was a matter of finding out where we were and what to do. 

“Guess we aren’t in Kansas anymore.” Daryl shot me a look, I stuck my tongue out and gave a smile, sometimes it honestly felt like the best that I could to do. 

“Can’t believe that after all this time you are quoting movies.” 

“What can I say? It’s what you love about me.” God I wish it were true 

After realising we were are in France; Daryl and I began searching for supplies to keep ourselves going for the night. Daryl found an French to English book to help with translations. After a little while longer, these two assholes screwed us over, tried robbing us after we killed two other men that tried attacking all of us. 

A group of nuns brought us in, treated Daryl’s acid burn from the walkers, which I’m glad was treated. Then came Isabelle, I hate to say that it’s been 12 years since the world turned to shit and I still get jealous feelings. Isabelle was too close to Daryl, maybe she hadn’t had a nice man in her life for a while but her beauty and her pretty smile made me feel insecure of my own looks and inability to tell Daryl how I feel made me feel shittier than when I realised I’m going to die before the world is fixed. 

All respect to the nuns; I understand why they did what they did but at the same time, after seeing it go wrong a thousand other times. Keeping a walker alive as a message or just the emotional trauma of losing that loved one is obviously horrible to go through but as soon as we realised that the father was a walker we left as soon as we could only to return and take Laurent, honestly a sweet little boy to safety. 

Daryl and Isabelle were walking ahead, I stayed behind, kicking my feet in the dirt like an upset little kid and carried on as I drowned in my own feelings. 

“What’s going on with you?” Daryl questioned, I glanced up, placed on one of my award winning smiles and shook my head. 

“I’m all good. Honestly, I just want to get back to America.” Daryl nodded believing what I said, turning back to the front and it allowed me to wallow in my emotions again. I loved Daryl, he’s a good man, even if he doesn’t think he is a good man, he is a good man and I wish that he knew that more often. 

Isabelle is gorgeous, more so than compared to me. I mean, I’ve got rolls, even during this shitstorm I’ve got all these skin problems still and I clearly have no confidence in my appearance, even if it doesn’t matter now. I thought the end of the world would mean less problems when it came to appearance and self esteem. But noooo, it still means the same shit goes through my mind like it did when I was dating in college. 

I mean, I can handle the shitty groups that survive off of anarchy. I can handle them, because just a couple of hits to the head and boom not a problem anymore. But my insecurities, they kill me and I hate that I am not strong enough to deal with problems that shouldn’t matter anymore. Staring at what used to be a preschool made me want to cry, the place is being run by children and I wish that these children didn’t have to go through this horrible stuff and could be children in a decently safe world where they didn’t have to deal with no familiarity of what we grew up with. 

“Hey, that teacher needs some medicine, want to come with?” I nodded, glad to finally be getting that one on one time with Daryl again. Walking in the silence became uncomfortable and noticing that Daryl was hanging out with Isabelle a lot I want getting curious to know about where he stood with her. 

“So, Daryl… what’s going on with you and Isabelle?” Daryl shot me a look, as if I really just asked him about something that sounds so childish and like a teenager experience. 

“There’s nothing going on between her and I. I’m just finding out what I can from her that can help us get back home… why?” There it was, that one little question that I wish wasn’t a word. I shrugged slightly, cringing internally as I realised my capabilities to hide my true emotions decided not to work today. 

“No reason.” Fuck my voice is giving me away, all nervous and defensive. Daryl stopped in my tracks, he grabbed my arm, getting me to stop in my tracks. I couldn’t meet his eyes, I insecurely wrapped my arms around my body to cocoon into myself as I always did when I was feeling insecure. 

“Don’t give me that crap. What’s going on?” I tried one more time, hoping that Daryl would give it a reason and not think to ask about it again. That was just wishful thinking. 

“Please, just forget it!” I snapped, Daryl took a step back, shaking his head and grabbed ahold of both my arms gently. I took a shaky breathy, shaking my head and sniffled. 

“What is going on?” 

“I’m in love with you! Okay?” Daryl looked surprised by my outburst, I pushed myself out of his arms and began pacing around the tree covered area we were in.  

“Me! Fat little me, I’m in love with you! And I know you won’t say it back because I know you don’t love me back because I am nowhere near as attractive as the girls I know you’d be with if the world was still normal.” I shook my head, keeping my eyes focused on the ground as my tears fell from eyes and I didn’t want Daryl to see me like this. 

“I’m overweight, I’m ugly, I’ve got rolls and eczema. I’m an insecure little girl who hasn’t changed since high school. My acne scars make me look like I’m a fucking walker. I am ugly and I am not worth anyone’s love, not even in this world because I don’t have that kind of beauty. I am no pretty nor worth anyone’s love and I-“ Daryl grabbed my face in his hands, his lips being placed upon mine and I know it sounds incredibly cliche but it really felt like the world literally stop. Why was Daryl kissing me? I mean I was kissing him back and holy shit it was one of the greatest kisses I’ve ever experienced and I did not want it to stop. I honestly forgot the world we currently lived in is the way that it is but having Daryl actually kissing me until I needed to pull away for air made me feel like I was in a world of a book that I would’ve loved to read in the before. 

“I love you. I love you more than I can even begin to say. I ain’t good with words. But you gotta stop talking down about yourself. You are gorgeous, you are exactly as you should be and I love you. I find you incredibly gorgeous and you have a heart of gold. You are not what that stupid little insecure voice inside your head says that you are. You understand me?” I nodded, smiling as he grinned at me and rested a kiss on my forehead. 

After leaving the preschool, Laurent was angry with Isabelle and wouldn’t get in the carriage that we acquired. It was honestly a very useful invention that made life so much easier. I decided to get out of the carriage to talk to the kid and figure out a way to get him in the carriage. 

“Listen Laurent. I understand that you’re upset and not feeling the greatest in regards to that you feel Isabelle is lying to and I won’t lie to you. Not about something like this. The reason why you need to go with us is that you could be the cure to helping understand a cure for these walkers. But I promise to you I will not allow you to be hurt, I will protect and you so will the rest of us. I will protect you until my very last breath, you’re one of us and we won’t let you get hurt. I promise you and if you feel that I break your promise then you can do whatever you want if it means you feel safe.” 

“I look up to you. You’re… you’re this badass lady that knows how to fight and is a good person because you won’t let bad things happen. You are also very pretty.” I turned to see Daryl watching with a smile, he winked at me and nodded softly as I got Laurent into the carriage finally. 

Daryl took my hand as I squeezed in beside him, resting a final kiss on my cheek before offering his shoulder for me to sleep on. 

[resonette]

❛　it looks worse than it feels.　❜

(  blood , blood  !  accepting.  ) @killerhubby

" darling, shut up. "

in one of a series of safehouses across the country does seren sit, scowling, as she works her hands around mirage's bare chest, a layer of thin, white gauze wrapped around him with a grimace that only appropriately accompanied a genuine look of worry. the firefights were always the worst this time of year: everyone was tense with the turn of the year, with change and new beginnings, and too many upstarts were trying to take out the biggest dog on the block. seren knew that getting involved with mirage meant that she was going to have to deal with the human aspect of threat rather than just the things she hunted within the confines of linkon, but she didn't think it was going to go like this.

mirage had taken a bullet for her. a bullet meant for her. a bullet that was intended to very much so go through her chest in order to cripple her and distract him. and sure, she guesses, in theory it did distract him, because the bullet went through his chest instead, lodging itself into somewhere that she had to dig out with a pair of tweezers and some antiseptic. the remains of the hackjob surgery remain on a wooden platter on the coffee table behind them, the thread and needle the worst part. with the stitching done, the wound needed to be protected, and the repeat closenesses they shared as seren worked the bandages around the body gave mirage, apparently, an opening for an attempt at reassurance. looks worse than it feels, he says, and she examines him: the bullet wasn't the only wound he took during that fight. they still won, out of his inability to fall and her mysterious yet uncanny ability to resort to feral tactics when someone she cares about is hurt, but the victory seemed to disappear from her mind, the expression on her face as if they had lost.

they are both bandaged in some way or another here, and seren ties the gauze off with its self-adhesive, cutting it neatly with the scissors from the first aid kit. finally, she sighs, able to face him now. the bruise on her cheek would last a while, as would the wound in his chest. anxious, she places her hand on the gauze, rubbing a circle into it. " i can take my own bullets, you know, " she says, her voice all too soft. he was too good for her, most times; the other times, she refused to let him be good to her, locked behind an iron fence of fear, of letting him in, of letting him see her. (  because, if he saw her, if he really saw her, what if he didn't want her? the intelligence he can gather for her has become second-fiddle to the care she has for him. as a friend, ally, or some strange other thing they might have been... she didn't want to lose him.  )

for someone so violent, someone who hunts and destroys things for a living, her fingers are well-manicured, almost too soft as they touch his skin, just above the bandage at his collarbone. mismatched eyes finally look up to meet his own, as if she was afraid to look away from the wound ( or perhaps, if she looked at him, he would disappear; perhaps, if she looked at him, she'd focus her eyes and he'd be dead on that urban battlefield, taking a bullet that was meant for her ). she understands why he did it. he's stronger than she is; he can take more hits than she can. but that doesn't mean she has to be happy about it.

" you scared me, " she says finally, frowning. her fingers move from his collar to his neck to his jaw to his cheek, gently cupping his face and looking down at him. for a brief moment, her eyes are a window to the soul: she cares far too much all the time. if she were not so broken, she would be crying, begging him to never do such a thing again, so empathetic and worried for him that she would plead as if he were a god. alas, that sits behind her eyes, in her skin, in the way her lip is curled down, the way her eyes are meeting his. i'm letting you see me, this expression reads, please don't leave me behind. " i don't know what you were thinking, but... don'- i- "

there is hesitation. and finally, she smiles. if she's learned anything over the last few months, it's that no one could stop mirage from doing something he wanted to do. she laughs softly, the other hand coming to cup the other side of his face.

" thank you. " she finally says, " but if you die on me, i'm going to resurrect you and kill you myself. i'm taking care of you tonight while you recover. this isn't up for discussion. "

[infiniteorangethethird]

okay so since like at least two people seemed interested, here's a snippet from the very beginning of my paracosm I wrote instead of going to sleep like a normal person (if any part of it sounds weird. it's because I should be sleeping instead of writing)

-

“So, I didn’t catch your name.”

Lucy glanced over her shoulder at her new friend. Well, maybe “friend” was a bit of an overstatement, considering they have only known each other for about fifteen minutes thus far.

She kept staring, unblinking, and her new companion shrugged. “Alright. Fine. You don’t trust me, that’s to be expected, I guess. Though I thought if we are stuck together anyway, we might- nevermind.” She shook her head, and thrust herself into the nearest bush, disappearing from Lucy’s sight.

She was right. Lucy did not trust her. She knew literally nothing about her, and her appearance said little about her character. The only thing Lucy could deduce was that she probably liked purple, her pastel clothes contrasting nicely with her golden-brown skin and dark ponytail. She was a thicker build, her catlike movements clearly implying a history of heavy training or years of workout at the very least.

She also had two black-feathered wings. And a tufted tail. And magic too, probably, if those last fifteen minutes were anything to go by.

All in all, a fair amount of information, but nothing to determine her attitude.

“You could at least wait for me,” Lucy muttered, before jumping into the bush herself. It only took her multiple broken branches, several bleeding cuts, and a vast array of curses to arrive on the other side, where her new companion was watching her antics with amusement.

“I’m Lucy,” she said, trying to hide her embarrassment. “And I didn’t catch your name either.”

“Rowena. And you really could’ve just gone around, it’s not like we’re in a hurry anywhere.”

Oh shut up, you prick. “Where is ‘here’, anyway?” Lucy gestured vaguely at the forest around them, the canopy just light enough to let the sunshine all the way to the ground.

Rowena shrugged, and continued her wandering. “I have no idea. I thought your boyfriend might’ve told you before I encountered the two of you.”

“Well, first of all, Leo is not my boyfriend,” Lucy corrected, annoyed. “And second of all, it’s you who’s supposed to tell me how we managed to end up in a summer forest when just a moment ago we were deep in a cave in the middle of winter, considering you’re the witch, not me.”

Rowena stopped so suddenly Lucy barely avoided crashing into her.

“I’m not a witch.” She spat the last word like it was the worst insult in the world. “A witch is a human who plays around with plants and pretends it’s magic. I’m a willar. I’m not human, and I do actual magic.”

“Sure. Whatever.” Lucy forced herself not to stare at Rowena’s wings. “That still doesn’t answer the question of where the hell we are.”

“Like I said, I don’t know. And unless you’re lying for whatever reason, I think we can safely conclude we’re pretty much lost.”

“What about your boyfriend, then?”

Rowena’s deer-in-the-headlights stare confirmed for Lucy that she was on the right track.

“You know, the guy you claimed to have followed into the cave where you found us?” she continued nonchalantly, ignoring Rowena’s clear discomfort. “What was his name? Miguel?”

“Uh, Michael,” Rowena replied, as if she herself wasn’t sure of it either. “And he’s not my boyfriend.”

Lucy nodded. “Obviously. That’s why you followed him into a dark cave with no idea what was going to happen. Are you perhaps a stalker, then?”

“Look, it’s nothing like that, okay?” Rowena folded her arms defensively. “We have some uh, unfinished business we needed to talk about, but he disappeared a while ago and this was my only chance at catching up to him. We know each other, but we’re not, like, dating or anything.”

Lucy raised an eyebrow. She didn’t know what to find more amusing, Rowena’s clear inability to lie, or the fact that not even she seemed to be convinced by her own words.

“But sticking to the point.” Rowena shook her head lightly. “Even if he did know something, he didn’t tell me. So, we’re pretty much left guessing where your not-boyfriend sent us, and how.”

“Okay, now you’re being annoying on purpose.” Lucy had to hurry if she wanted to keep up with Rowena’s quick strides. “How about this: we refer to both of them by their name, and nobody gets butthurt over weird assumptions. Seems fair?”

“Why does this bother you so much, anyway? What, you’re afraid I’m gonna overhear you talk about Leo in your sleep? ‘Oh Leo, you’re such a handsome guy, I would sell my soul and left kidney just to kiss you once!’ Smooch smooch!” She mimicked kissing the air.

“Oh fuck you,” Lucy growled.

“Fuck me yourself, coward.”

Lucy opened her mouth for a retort but nothing came out. Rowena flashed a nauseatingly sweet smile, then once again disappeared among the leaves of an overgrown bush.

This was going to be a fun adventure.

(next part)

[kaaloopsiiaa]

alexithymia

(n.) the inability to express your feelings

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝

existing is so tiring. the mere thought of starting a day makes me sick to the stomach. waking up wishing i didn't, standing up wishing i would just collapse and never get up... why am i getting exhausted? i'm just existing, like everybody else, right? why am i getting tired? i'm not doing anything special, right? god, thinking makes my mind want to kill its own self. too many questions, i don't even want the answers to any of them, do i? i'm not sure. i'm not sure about anything, actually. my life seems to be endlessly drowning in confusion. it leaves me wondering if i really am confused or if i simply am not trying to figure it out. but honestly, do i need to figure it all out? do i have to? it's such a hassle. i don't know it all. but people do, people have their life together. why don't i? i'm not any different, am i? those questions, they keep popping up in my mind. they need to stop. they're making existing even more exhausting than it already is. yet they keep me sane. i tend to talk to myself, desperately trying to answer those questions to fill in the hole loneliness is digging in my soul. i mean, i'm not lonely. i have friends. i'm just avoiding them, or they are the one doing so. i honestly don't know. but i don't want this to keep going. why can't i just talk to them? why am i holding myself back from them? we're friends, so why am i scared of being too much a friend for them? actually, this is one question i can answer... well, never mind. another question came to my mind. what was i talking about again? my thoughts are fighting against each other, i don't know which one to side with. maybe i should sleep, it'll shut my mind off completely. only for 8 hours that would feel like a minute, though. because when i'll wake up, i'll wish i didn't. it's a cycle, an endless loop that burdens me more and more as days pass. but isn't it just so weird how: when i wake up to the sun hitting my eyes, i find it beautiful. when i look through the windows, watching the trees flow with the breeze, i find it mesmerizing. isn't it weird how i feel that life is beautifully perfect yet so disgustingly ugly. nature makes it easier, and minds make it harder. wait, i wandered away from the main subject once more. what was it again? right, existence. i don't even want to talk about it anymore. it saddens me a bit too much. makes salty water come out of the corner of my eyes. people call them tears, i don't really call them so because then this is called crying. and i don't want to cry. it's just my body feeling the need to evacuate its thoughts through those drops. i don't want to let it all out. i want to keep it to myself, let it rot until it dies. hopefully taking those stupid questions with it. but i know it won't. i'll live with the tiredness of asking myself these questions and with the guilt of not being able to answer them. but everybody does, don't they? don't they know their answers? they probably don't, my rationality knows that. yet my heart and soul tell me otherwise. they keep stating how different i am from others. i don't want to believe it, but my mind does. i can't help it, can i? see, questions never stop, even when they are that stupidly useless. useless... i hate that word. everything has a use, a purpose, a reason to be. well, many will disagree by saying that some things really don't matter. and i will agree because nothing matters. am i even making sense? but does it matter if i'm not? gosh, i just want to stop thinking, stop the race time is challenging me into, stop bothering myself with my own mind. i'm tired, too tired to even be alive. exhaustion is not enough of a word to describe how existing feels like. i lost the will to keep going, to keep trying to gather my life together. because in the end, i can't understand what i'm doing. i don't even understand what i've been talking about since the beginning.

[lucy-the-cat]

BTS from seven and/or this is me trying 💕

Most of this are reinterpretations of lyrics to seven by Taylor Swift

Maven never learned to swing on his own.  He always needed Cal to push him, to bring him to a height he never could from the ground.  It was a small joy, a favor from one brother to another.  He never thought much of it.

Then Maven started to jump.

I hit my peak at seven feet In the swing Over the creek I was too scared to jump in

The song is about a child's inability to help a friend trapped in an abusive household, so I felt it would be thematically resonant and good foreshadowing to have him unable to save Maven from a danger so minor. If he can't stop him from jumping, how can he stop him from being taken away by Elara?

Cal clutched his chest and screamed, racing to catch him and stumbling instead.  Maven rolled on the grass and laughed, kicking when Cal tried to scoop him up.  “Put me down!”  He squirmed, biting his hand.  “I will eat you!”

Maven is like all kids: he wants to be free even if it hurts, and he expresses this in ridiculous and unrealistic ways

“Consider me eaten.”  Cal cradled him, struggling against gravity’s pull.  “I will save you through your stomach.”

“I will throw you up!”

“Ew.”  He wrinkled his nose.  “I will crawl back inside your mouth.  Your stinky, stinky mouth.”  Cal dropped him, and he stuck his tongue out.  “Go drink perfume, or something.”

“And eat the bottle?”

They're brothers, they need to bicker like the idiots they are. You need to establish what is there before taking it away

Cal’s stepmother poked her head out.  “What is this nonsense?”

Maven pointed at his brother.  “Cal told me to eat perfume!”

Elara scowled.  “I always knew you were a monster.”

Elara looks for whatever excuse she can to insult Cal. He's an extension of Tibe, and so she hates him just as much

Their father’s voice echoed from inside.  “Don’t you start.”

“Why shouldn’t I?  Because he’s her son?”  Elara huffed, shutting the door.  The rest of the conversation was lost to muffled shouts and Cal’s own good sense, as he shuffled away to continue playing with his brother.  "For the last time, Tibe--"

Cal drowned her out with a scream.

Before I learned civility I used to scream ferociously Any time I wanted

My Ao3 username! Yeah I needed to foreshadow his later inability to express his pain, as he learns to make things easier for the adults in his life. Because the pain of children ultimately has no power to change things.

That couldn’t work forever though.  As the grass grew wild and the weeds grew taller, Cal began to hear words he never had before.  Divorce.  Settlement.  Custody.  He didn’t ask what they meant.  He didn’t want to.

Please picture me In the weeds

The description also shows how things are growing out of his control, weeds he cannot pull no matter how he tries.

Maven spent more time in the shed, hunching in the corner and muttering to himself.  Father had yelled at him again, something about how he was no longer his son.  Cal tried to curl up next to him.  There wasn’t enough room.

And I've been meaning to tell you I think your house is haunted Your dad is always mad and that must be why

Cal both understands and doesn't understand what is happening to his brother. He knows he's in pain, but he doesn't know how to help.

“We’ll run away.”  He crouched beside him.  “We can be pirates on the nearby lake.  You won’t have to cry anymore.”

And I think you should come live with Me and we can be pirates Then you won't have to cry Or hide in the closet

A childlike solution to an adult problem. We think children don't know when things are happening around them, but they do. And they want to help when they can't.

“Go away.”

“Never.”  Cal gripped his hand.  “Let’s go to India.  They have a big sea.”

Pack your dolls and a sweater We'll move to India forever

More help that cannot be

Maven sniffled.  “I hate water.”

Cal tugged him onto his lap, but he was too big.  Just as when he tried to carry him, he wasn’t strong enough.  “This house is haunted.”

See earlier lyrics

“Ghosts.”  Maven’s mouth parted.  “People.”

If Cal stood still, he could feel the fingers of his mother in his hair.  She’d give him little braids that would unravel with the wind, something he missed as his hair was cut shorter.  “We can’t see them, but they see us.”

I thought the braid thing was cute

“I won’t see you anymore.”  Maven looked him in the eye.  “You know that?”

Cal blinked.  “What?”

“Mother wants me.  Father wants you.  Neither of them want each other.”  He didn’t waver.  “We’re moving out tomorrow.  You get to keep the house.”

Elara and Tibe would never stay together without the crown, and they both have their favorite children. Nor are they particularly self sacrificing

Cal clutched him tight, squeezing until he complained he couldn’t breathe.  Just as he did the next day, to no avail, screaming in his head as he couldn’t through his mouth.  He didn’t say “I love you.”  He didn’t know how.

Do you always know how to say "I love you?" Do you?

Memories slipped through his fingers, running like water.  Grass stains.  Teddy bears.  Recess.  And as the years went by, somehow, he managed to lose his face.

And though I can't recall your face I still got love for you

The song is a distant memory, as this needs to be. Otherwise, it will haunt them both to their dying days.

And we wouldn't want that, would we? ;)

[nighthaunting]

Elaborating on this a bit, Russ’ continual downfall is his obsfucation.

He’s continually playing his little masquerade and being disingenuous about who he is and what his goals are and what he believes in, and all the while thinking that he’s fooling people.

And he is, to an extent, but all the other primarchs are also hyper intelligent demigods and so there’s awareness amongst them that Russ is up to something, that he’s playing games.

And the primarchs that he’s friendlier with at least have gotten to know him well enough to understand that he’s just playing, but then on the other side of the coin there’s all the other primarchs who wouldn’t trust him as far as they can throw him because he’s a Big Fucking Liar.

The concept of Russ adopting this persona to ‘be underestimated’ as some sources claim is also fairly nonsense once we dig into it. What enemies of the imperium, especially during the early crusade when Russ was found, would even be aware of the primarchs enough to bother about their personal foibles? To any human or human adjacent worlds they encounter these guys are just Some Guy, what means do they have to even gather information on them? Are they torturing captured guardsmen to find out that Lord Russ Is A Barbarian?

A much more reasonable conclusion to come to, and one supported by Russ’ own novels and rulebooks is that he adopted the persona deliberately to create distance between himself and his fellow primarchs because of his perceived duties as the Emperor’s Executioner. He said to himself ‘this is my role and if I want to survive and have any morale in my legion over it I need to become this’. Something that was likely reinforced via two avenues: his and Horus’ dislike of each other as the first two ‘found’ primarchs, and his purported execution of one of the lost primarchs.

He can’t be making friends with people he’s going to be sent off to kill, but at the same time he’s basically wolf software running on human hardware. The speed at which this guy packbonds is probably measured in nanoseconds.

So he can’t help but be a bit friendly with primarchs he’s privately judged to be ‘safe’ from likely having to be put to the axe, just like he can’t help but try and use his bad manners and aggression of his ‘persona’ to try and herd the primarchs he’s privately judged to be ‘in danger’ away from the path he sees for them.

It’s crucial at this point to consider a) Russ himself is a powerful psyker who has just been ignoring that because if he doesn’t look at it its not real and b) explicitly canonically able to divine possible futures and probabilities per Wolf King where he Finally looks at his psychic gifts again so he can spend several days shut in his rooms throwing the runes again and again trying to find a way to save his legion.

And the answer he finds is ‘tear down the persona you built them, stop playacting’.

I think there’s a case to be made that had Russ just been genuine rather than playing his stupid games he could have avoided Many of the stupid prizes he ended up winning.

But also, every time he tries to be serious and drops the persona it fucking backfires on him for the same reason, because trying to convince someone to do what you want when you’ve apparently been fucking with them this entire time is not exactly compatible with them trusting you.

And this is a Theme for him, made explicit in Two Metaphysical Blades, because Russ’ spear specifically gives insight to those it wounds while Valdor’s spear gives insight About his opponents To Valdor. And then made More explicit again when in Wolfsbane Russ has to go and stab Himself with the fucking thing to get enough perspective to overcome his inability to accept himself and self-actualize.

You ever have a moment where you reconsider something you thought a lot about in the past but then sort of turned your attention away from for a while, and your new perspective just blows the whole thing open?

Me thinking about russ and magnus during ATS/PB today after years of taking a break from HH/40K lore yielded one such series of revelations.

I was thinking about Betrayer and Russ' attempt to give Angron a lesson via the Night of the Wolf. I was thinking about Prospero Burns and Russ' belief that he's had a direct line to Magnus this whole time via Kaspar. I was thinking about that 'please'. And.

I know this is pretty much canon to the text but I've never before really Considered that one of Russ' motives in keeping this guy alive and sending him out on compliances with his Legion was (Russ believed at least) letting Magnus see the SW in action and hoping that this might influence him into trying to Avoid doing anything that might cause Russ to be sent after him.

In the past I've talked a lot about the SW keeping Kaspar around to see what would happen in terms of thinking the TS were up to something or going to do something to the Legion, which is very much the assumption the Chaos entity wanted them to make, but looking back I tbh think i slept on the concept of Russ, who canonically has taken out at least one of the Lost Primarchs in an event which is prefers not to speak (or at least the codex Strongly Implies that Russ has been used against another primarch before), and who also canonically went into the Night of the Wolf fully willing to die to make his point to Angron if only Angron could understand what he was doing.

I'm sort of compelled by the concept because in a sense Russ was letting (what he thought was) Magnus take a peek behind the barbarian mask he likes to put on, to see into a more genuine heart of his legion, letting his guard down a bit by allowing this obviously-compromised spy in. Much the same way he let the mask drop when he went to try and talk some sense into Angron, bringing up philosophy and reading and ideals that Russ' ignorant-but-noble barbarian persona would never admit to being interested in let alone reading.

And both times the gambit failed, in Magnus' case because it wasn't Magnus on the other end of the line, and in Angron's case because he was too far gone to really get what Russ was illustrating for him.

The whole thing was orchestrated so well, ironically giving the "proof" that Magnus was up to something via this sleeper agent spy that the SW were toting around with them, playing on Russ being curious enough to keep this guy around and connect the dots on the (false) links between this guy and the TS. I have this headcanon that Russ and Lorgar were actually fairly close, with Russ actually talking to Lorgar about Lorgar's writings, because he didn't seem surprised that Russ had read them and had thoughts on them in Betrayer, so I actually sort of like the idea that he had a hand in setting up the fall of Prospero? I like the tragedy of the idea that he at least had some input on the idea, being familiar enough with Russ to know he'd take the bait.

Which would make that a third time Russ got genuine with someone and had it either fail or be used against him...

[shadowofahope]

We Are Liars

Pairing: rich college student! Changbin x college student reader

Warning: Flufffffff

Premise: He needed an out of his mothers attempts to set him up. Your summer schedule was empty. Maybe him asking you to be his fake girlfriend wasn't the worst idea. It did make a lot of sense. But then again it was too easy to say yes...

Word count: 4.7 K

Authors notes: Tada! I've been very overtired recently so please forgive the errors. I'll go back to fix them but for now I wanted you to have our lovely Changbin!

SKZ Masterlist

“Every time I go back home my mother incessantly tries to set me up with her friends daughters, even their nieces. No matter how many times I tell her that I want to find love on my own, she just still pushes. I was so tired of it, I just blurted out I have a girlfriend.”

He looked tired, honestly. Him asking you out to a late night coffee run, you weren’t expecting to meet up with him looking so exhausted. He was always busy and the others always told him he looked tired but this seemed different, but you guessed this made sense now.

You sip your coffe nodding along to his words, setting it down on the metal table, leaning back to give him your full attention. “Ok, well why me?”

“She knows of you in our friend circle, but she’s never met you or seen us together. I panicked and you were the first person I thought of. Being friends already I figured it’d be the easiest sell.” 

The antsy leg bounces unde the table weren’t lost on you. Agitation wouldn’t be the right word for the look hardened on his face. You could see it clear as day though, he wasn’t one to mask his feelings or insecurities. 

“Fair enough.” Because it did make sense to some extent. If it was one of the other girls that hung around occasionally, you wouldn’t bet money on their acting abilities. Or honestly their inability to not have a crush on him. Most of them, as annoying as they were, were just around clinging like flies to hot trash. Trying almost anything to get the boys to notice him, Changbin being the easiest sell as he was the richest friend in the group. Or at least he had the richest parents, you had pointed out once to the caddy bunch. They made some comment about being the only male in the family and blah blah blah. You had walked away without saying anything at that point, you didn’t see a point in listening anymore.

“She started asking me all these questions about how we met, so I just told her we met through Minho, which is the truth, but then she demanded for me to bring you home this summer. So now I’m sitting in a deep dark whole that I dug for myself that I’m really hoping you’d help me out of…I’ll even pay you for it…” His eyes squeeze shut, creating crows feet around them, hands coming up in a praying nature, bottom lip coming out in a pout. Putting on his best pitiful show.

He really didn’t need to beg so hard, but it was cute. “Ok. I’ll help.”

“You’ll come home with me?” He sounded almost shocked, did he really think you’d protest to helping a friend?

“Yea. No one should be forced into anything. I feel bad enough for you.” You laugh at him, keeping a light air around you. You did feel bad for him, relationships were hard already but add on a pressure cooker of a mother and who knows what someone would be willing to do to release it.

Knowing Changbin and being close to Changbin were two different things. You had hung out within groups but never alone, until tonight. However, you had never felt uncomfortable around him or unsettled. It seemed easy enough, and if you had to act with PDA, it definitely didn’t help that he was attractive. Not someone you’d usually find yourself drawn to, but maybe you’d get to see a new side to the rich, muscle man.

“Seriously?!” His eyes light up, as he reaches his hand across the table to yours. “Thank you, thank you, so much. I’ll definitely repay you for everything!”

“However.” You try to mask your smile behind a mask of seriousness. “We are going to have to set up boundaries, those of PDA.” 

You use your head to gesture to his large hands still enveloping your smaller one. Not that you had a real problem with it, it was warm in the cool night air.

He chuckles nervously, “Yea, we don’t want anyone feeling uncomfortable…”, pulling his hands back from you.

“That goes both ways.” You genuine smile returning. “How are you generally in relationships and around your friends and parents?”

Finding out the logistics before hand would be a better idea than going in blinde. Especially as your normal reaction to things is keeping space between you and other people. Be that mentally or physically. You don’t want to recoil suddenly if he went to hold you hand infront of his parents. That would put an end to your show rather quickly.

“Hm-” He stares off, slightly behind you in contemplation. “Well I would say I am slightly on the clingier side. I like to hold hands, cuddling or just be touching in general. I’m very open to letting everyone know I’m with someone, I tend to be possessive in that sense. Normally I’d use pet names too. But i’ve never brought someone home so I’m not really sure how I’d be. My guess would be probably the same.”

You mull over his words carefully, factoring in your ability to act with him. 

“Ok, Well I’m comfortable with the PDA level. I can accept clingy.” You coo at him. Who knew muscles had such a cute needy side. “Do you have a pet name you want to be called or can I wing it?”

“You can wing it. I don’t mind, I tend to use baby for my partners.”

“Baby it is.” You stand up, grabbing your coffee off the table. “Well shall we go create some evidence?” 

“Evidence?” He eyes you suspiciously. 

“Yep. Lets take some photos of us, plus I can use one as my lockscreen” 

“That’s a cute idea! I want one too.” He exclaims clambering to his feet to join you in your walk down the street. He catches up with you rather quickly, which doesnt surprise you at all. But his next words do catch you off guard. “Should we practice?” 

“Practice?”

His hand slides down your exposed wrist, fingers slotting between yours to intertwine your hands. Lifting your joined hands up for you to get a good view of them.

“Practice.” Something about that look he gives you makes you want to wipe that smirk off his face. If he thinks he can beat you in the cheekiness department, he is utterly wrong. 

“Then how about kissing? Do we ignore that or should we practice?” 

The innocence in your voice is lost behind the sounds of him chocking, followed by your hysterical laughing. Neither of you letting go of eachother, creating fake memories for the trip to come.

🌊☀️🌊☀️

“Nervous?”

“Yes and no.” You explain. “On one hand if it doesn’t go well, its not the end of the world because were not actually together. On the other, it’ll be a really awkward homecoming for you if this doesn’t work.”

“Fair points. Just be yourself, with a little bit of me.” 

You roll your eyes at him, turning to look out the window. The drive was 4 hours overall, which you had spent 3 hours just talking and getting to know eachother, flushing out details like; how long have you been official, were exactly you met, first dates, etc. Obvious questions anyone might ask. Somehow you started talking about your childhoods and siblings, turning to various ex’s. Leading you to mention that your last relationship failed because of toxicity, but he allowed you to ghost over it. Not wanting to dwell or talk about it. You may be having to fake being vulnerable, but there was no way you’d actually show it now.

8 minutes left of your journey in the comfort of his slightly sporty highly expensive car with your own personal chauffeur, 4 hours was a breeze. 

And just like you assumed, when he pulled up to the beach house his parents and sister were waiting out front for the two of you. Their eagerness to meet you was overwhelming but you held it together well. Open arms for hugging, warm welcomes and benign ushered inside to chat about the detaisl they were dying to know. 

How remarkably easy it was to walk around on a tour with his hand in yours, luggage moved to your shared room for the nights you’ll be staying. His mother making a fuss about you two needing to share a bed because no matter where she would set up Changbin she knew her son would sneak back to you. Remarks she made, making you turn an eye to his, although he dodged eye contact very well. 

Physical contact you both had made sure you were accustomed to, so even without thinking you would seek eachother out. Small kisses here and there, pecks on the cheek or forehead. His favourite place to keep his hand you found was on your lower back. So trip through the small town with his mother, also meant a large amount of teasing from her. His need to hold onto you continuously, she’d laugh at, pester him about being possessive and smitten with you. 

Which is exactly what you both had planned. So shockingly convincing you were, it became comfortable. Easy. His warmth was contagious. 

Not only his, but his whole family. From baking in the kitchen with his mother, to discussing with his dad about his favourite starwars movie in the franchise, to going out on lunch dates with his older sister talking about her drama filled work place and the guy she had a crush on in the office. 

Watching him interacting with his family on calm nights like this, started making you think of things that were no longer possible. What it would be like to have someone like him love you, have his family love you.

Thinking back to last summer, the idea of dating again seemed like eons away. Leaving one toxic relationship behind you didn’t want to let yourself become that comfortable again. Setting yourself away on a shelf, adorned with forgotten trinkets of other peoples pasts. 

Maybe that’s why you didn’t know how to act in a healthy relationship. Letting him set up his boundaries and agreeing with them meant he wouldn’t know that you were broken in a way. The unrelenting bluntness and over communication made some relationships weaker, but on another hand made many stronger. 

Minho knew everything you went through with your ex, his uncompromising support for you to make your own choices, but also his need to scold you when you were being careless flourished your mere ‘childhood friends’ title to best friends. Over the years, no matter what friends you each made he kept your secrets adn you kept his. 

But maybe it was time to share them with someone new. You’d never felt so welcome and at home with a partner before. It would be easy to get swept away by his parents and sister, swept out to sea from high tide, until when? You’d find yourself buried under the think sand, suffocating to feel this love again? 

In this moment, you wouldnt let yourself dwell on anything. 

A ping from a phone set down next to you grabs your attention. Changbins screen lights up with text notification. 

“My love,” You call out, catching his attention. “Your friend messaged you about tonight.” 

He doesnt hesitate in bounding over to you, settling down next to you, arm resting behind you on the back of the couch. He unlocks his phone, opening the text nodding at it before angling the phone for you to see. 

You read it over quickly, before his mother observes “Are you two planning to go out tonight?” 

“Just him” You smile at her, but continue explaining as she looks a little irritated with her son. “He’s going to have a drink with his old friends while I take advantage of the jacuzzi tub in his bathroom.”

“She’s been eyeing it for a while now.” He leans over to land a gentle kiss on your temple, a soft smile forms on your face. 

“Alright…” She says unsure, but drops it nevertheless. 

🌊☀️🌊☀️

They’d been out for a few hours now, going to their favourite club when they were younger. It was a little closer to town, so they had carpooled together. You had waved at them when they left, and he remembers thinking how at ease he would be if this relationship were real. 

Now he’s many drinks in, and a few of them are tipsier then others. Him being one of the drunker ones.

“So when are we gonna meet this girlfriend of yours Bin?” His friend remarks, raising his voice to be heard over the loud music playing. 

“How bout right now.” He shouts back, struggling to pull out his phone from his back pocket whilst still sitting on it. 

“Man it’s 3 in the morning, you think she’s gonna be awake?” His other friend leans closer to him, making sure he doesn’t fall off his chair as he fights his jeans.

“Mhm!” Finally managing to rescue his phone from its compounds he carefully calls your num ber. It only takes a few rings before it connects. He smirks to himself, he knew you’d be awake. 

“BABY!” Shouts gleefully into the phone.

An airy chuckle comes through the receiver. 

“Yes my love?” Your warm sound already making him feel sleepy.

“Would you be able to pick me up from the club? I don wanna take a taxi.” His words slightly slur, but he fights through the fog of the alcohol. A pout forms on his lips, one he forgets that you can’t see.

“Where are your keys?”

“On my gym bag” He sings, knowing he’s won. 

“Do you want me to come get you now?” 

“Yesssss pleassssssse” Now there’s no hiding his sleepiness. 

“Be there soon.”

“Yay!” Cheering he hangs up, turning to his friends.

“There you go! Now you’ll get to see how beautiful and amazing she is.” Turning serious. “Now none of you go falling for her, she’s taken”

He doesn’t wait for them to respond, instead he clambers to his feet to push his way through the crowd to make it outside. You were coming to get him, he wanted to be there. He was excited to see you again, even though it hadn’t been that long since he left you behind he had already begun to miss you the moment they drove away.

His friends follow him through the mass, making sure he doesn’t stumble too far to hurt himself. Or anyone else for that matter.

His body vibrates in impatience and delight when he sees his car pulling up.

“BABY! You’re here.” He shouts gleefully as he slings himself onto you in a too tight embrace as soon as you step up on the curb. He pulls back just to pout at you and look down at your clothes. “But why do you have to look so cute?”

You had dropped your book and slipped into the closest things you could find, that wasn’t your pjs, which at the time you had grabbed one of his shirt’s and a pair of your jean shorts. Your hair in a messy ponytail tail with your glasses still on your face, you couldn’t help but smile at his cuteness.

Ruffling his hair you coo at him “cmon you drunk, lets get you home.”

“Here, we can help.” Two of his friends attempt to pry him off of you and usher him into the car.

“I want bed and cuddles” he whines as you break contact. 

“You know what would get you bed and cuddles faster? If you weren’t so drunk” you laugh at his plight. 

“Hi y/n, I’m Wooyoung.” A hand comes out for you to shake. “Sorry for the lousy first meeting.”

“Honestly it’s ok, it’s still nice to meet you Wooyoung”

The gir standing behind himl snubs her nose at you but you pay her no mind as the other two guys come round the car also giving their introductions, to then point out the female and drop her name. You only nod at her.

You hear a scuffle behind you as changbin starts to re-emerge from his seat, trying to make another break for you. The males run round to stop him. 

Heels click next to you. Something grateing about the voice makes your skin feel icky. “He let’s you drive his car.” 

That was definitely a statement, not a question. But still you felt a tug to answer.

“Sometimes.” You smile watching the men fight, before turning to her “have a good night”

“Changbin! If you want bed and cuddles you need to get into the car.” You tell him sternly.

He gives you a goofy smile before giving a “goodnight guys” and disappearing into the car.

“Have a good night y/n, it was nice meeting you again.”

“You guys as well. Hopefully I’ll see you soon.” A smile once again before climbing into the drivers seat and heading towards the beach house.

🌊☀️🌊☀️

“Remind me not to drink that much again.” Changbin groans, rolling over holding his head in pain. 

“I don’t know, you were pretty cute.” You mock contemplation, tapping your chin with your finger in consideration. Sitting on the edge of your shared bed, you’re already dressed and ready for the day. You had graciously let him sleep in a little longer before waking him up.

“I was what?” He shoots you a look from his hiding spot. 

“You heard me. If I had known you were like that I would have drank with you guys more often.” The smirk on your face might as well be permanently plastered there. This was something you weren’t going to forget easily. 

“What did I do?”

You don’t answer, walking across the room to pick up his phone. You unlock it, clicking on the video that Wooyoung sent him before tossing it onto the bed next to him. He scrambles to reach it, sitting up to watch carefully. Forgetting about the pain he was just in.

“Did I actually demand bed and cuddles from you?” 

“The whole drive home.” You laugh evilly, heading out the door. “Now get dressed my love, your mother said brunch is ready.” 

You hear a muffled mumble from behind you, but you don’t bother to check on it. You head down for food.

Halfway through food, he gets a call. Quickly leaving to answer it, leaving you and his mother and sister to continue eating and chatting. It doesn’t take him long to return. Hand on your back, but talking to the group. 

“Dad wants me to go with him to the office today.” He sighs dejectively. He eyes you meekly, you’re unsure if he’s upset because of the hangover or he wanted to stay with you. You didn’t do much throughout the day anyways. You liked reading while listening to the waves, sometimes zoning out at the view even. 

“Oh ok, I’ll stay here and help with the set up for tonight.” You smile up at him. Purposefully setting the question aside for later when it would be just the two of you again. 

The at end summer party his family threw every year was tonight. They invited all their friends and their families to it. Changbin mentioned he hated it the most as that’s when his mother would stop her subtle hints at setting him up and blatantly attempt to arrange dates for him. This time thankfully he had you, so he could actually enjoy the night.

“Are you sure?” His puppy dog pout comes back, you can’t help but laugh, reaching up to kiss him ont he cheek in hopes of cheering up.

“I’d love to have her help.” His mother sings from the other side of the table. “We’ll be alright.”

“I can take her shopping later to pick out a dress for tonight!” His sister speaks up.

“Noona, you don’t have to.” He tries to derail.

“Of course I dont, but I want to spend some quality time with my sister-in-law!” She squeaks happily, putting on an overdramatic show just to annoy her brother. 

“Upgraded already?” Changbin chimes, giving you a pointed look. “Did you put my family under a spell or something? Why do they love you so much?” 

Both of you break into matching smiles. He gives you a quick peck on the lips, before turning to leave the room.

Your smile doesn’t recede when you watch his back as he leaves, turning back to food you find his sister and his mother beaming at you. 

Excited giggles and chatter from the other two about the party when they decide to stop staring at you.

🌊☀️🌊☀️

“Are you positive that this is necessary?” You call out from the dressing room. 

You had tried on countless dresses, creating your own fashion show when you’d unveil them to her. But each time them seeming not quite right to either of you. 

“You can’t wear my brothers shirts forever.” She calls back.

“Says you.” You mumble, still loud enough for her to hear. You can make out her faint laughter through the door. 

“Ok, last one then we’ll head home.” You dont react in time to her flinging the bottom of a dress over your door onto your head. You can’t stop yourself from outright laughing at her eagerness.

“Fine.” 

Hanging the dress up on the hook you can now take a moment to look at it. A periwinkle empire waist full length dress, full flowy skirt bottom, with a shimmer of silver over the thin strap. Huh, something about this one pulls you in. You don’t realize your staring at it for so long until you hear her ask.

“Is it on?” 

“Uh, one more minute.” 

You slide the soft over your skin, the complimenting colour to you skin tone giving you a slight glow. Somehow out of the million dress you’ve tried on this one seems to fit perfectly. The zipper glides up, creating a snug but comfortable fit. 

“Ready!” You call out.

Stepping out you don’t wait to look at her reaction. Spinning around to look at yourself in the mirror, your eyes widen.

“This one.” You sigh.

“This one.” She smiles at you in the reflection.

🌊☀️🌊☀️

“You look….” He scans the dress, to your hair and makeup. A light glow on your skin, his sister insisted on. Spending the evening getting ready with her allowed you to surprise him with the look for tonight. “...amazing,”

“Thank you. You’re looking very handsome in this look. I think I like it.” You tease, eyeing him up and down dramatically. And he did, the black slacks and white button up loosley buttoned was definitely a good look for him. Slightly snug in all the right places, biceps and thighs to be exact. Both equally impressive. 

“Oh we like it hm?” He teases back. Maye you should reevaluate your ‘type’.

“Mm, might need to request we go to parties like this more often.” You laugh at the idea.

“Then lets get this party over with and I’m all yours to stare at.” His chuckle comes out genuine as he grabs your hand and leads you down the stairs.

When entering the party area Wooyoung makes himself known to the two of you. Hurriedly you make your way over, joining the large group there. Introductions of more of their oldtime friends turns to introductions to uncles and aunts and other family friends and at one point you think your head is about to start spinning with how many people you’ve just met in such a short time. 

Even then, the smile on your face never wavers. Nor does his. 

Eventually you find yourself in a conversation with his dad on the couch with an uncle of his and a family friend. You weren’t a huge fan of heels so you ending up opting to sit down with his father as he continued talking to his friends.

But like the whole trip here, your time without him was short. Your phone vibrates in your hand.

You give him a cheeky smirk before leaning over to tell his father where you were going and excusing yourseslf. You meet eachother at the back door. Heels left behind on the porch, hands intertwined you begin walking down the beach towards the water.

“Couldn’t stay away huh?” You tease, the breeze off the water feeling like bliss through your hair. It was starting to get a little too warm in the crowded house. 

“You seemed to be having fun though, talking to other people…” You catch the accusation in his words.

“Jealous of your own dad?” You pry farther. 

“Yes. Jealous of anyone who gets to spend time with you.” Once again his infamous pout appears. This pout would be the death of you. 

The cutest muscle man you’d ever seen. One you’d been allowed to see close up and personal for what feels like forever but also only a moment in time. 

“Confession time” He stills your walk when you reach the waters edge.

“I think I’ve been forgetting that all of this is fake.” He holds up your hands to look at them, and how perfectly they fit together. Slowly he lets go, dropping them and takes a step away. 

You take a deep breath, before taking a few steps into the cool night water. Honesty and communication had always been your thing, the two of you. Easy reading others and their needs but also able to talk about what you wanted openly. Maybe that’s what made this work.

“You’re not the only one.” You admit, feeling the water rise and fall with the ebbing tide.

“What do we do?” He whispers, you turn to face him still on the beach. “I don’t know if I can go back….. I don’t want to go back.”

“Then, it sounds like we only have one option.” It all made sense, but then again nothing made sense. You didn’t have to think with Changbin, you just had to be. “We stop lying. Stop pretending. We stop faking.” 

He takes hesitant steps into the water. Standing in front of you. “From now on, its real? Every moment, every kiss, every word, every touch. All real?”

Letting his words sink you, you think about what he’s asking.

“It’s already been real for me.”

You see the realization dawn on him. Cups your face and kisses you. Kisses you for all the kisses that contained the lies you told together. 

“And I’ll be taking my payment in kisses please.” You manage between an onslaught of kisses and giggles. His arms wrapping around you keeping you close to him, the light in his eyes igniting into something more mischievous.

“I can think of another way for payment if you’ll accept it.” 

You pretend to mull it over before hungrily kissing him, your tongue slipping into his mouth. A moan esapes him when you push him further to then pull away. 

“From you? Payment accepted.” You give him a peck before pushing against his chest and running up the beach towards the house. Hell catch up quickly, you know that for a fact, but you also know he knows exactly where you’re headed. To his bedroom. The first night of you being together, no longer liars but two people loving eachother. 

In the warmth of the truth. 

SKZ Masterlist

[justauthoring]

Lack of Trust

Prompt: He’s convinced himself, for so long, that you’re just pretending -- after all, how could something so sweet, love something so sinister? Requested by: no one.

A/N: Do I love Satori? Yes, I do. Does he deserve the world? Yes, yes, he does. Pairing: Tendou Satori x F!Reader

You were sickly sweet, and it wasn’t that he necessarily hated you. It was, honestly, kind of hard to hate you.

But, he didn’t trust you.

And therein lies the biggest issue of your friendship; the lack of trust. Completely just on him, because you were all smiles and laughs and you practically depended on him half of the time given just how clumsy you were. You were your most authentic self around him without ever hesitating to be.

Those quiet moments, when it was just the two of you and no one else, and the two of you would be watching some anime or another together and your head would fall on his shoulder, your eyes would slip shut, and you’d drift off blissfully unaware of Satori’s heavy gaze on your own. 

He was infatuated with you in such a way that he was positively terrified of having you turn on him like almost everyone else ever had before in his life. So, he both trusted you and didn’t, and maybe that was the real issue; his inability to just accept that it was possible for another to actually love him. Not even love him, but respect him, treat him like a human being. Not many people in his life did, and certainly not without him practically forcing himself upon them,

But you? You were different. 

You came into Satori’s life before he even knew it, and with what felt like a simple blink, you were always there; constantly.

“You can stop pretending, you know.”

And the words slip past his lips before he can actually stop himself. He regrets them almost the second he says them, but he doesn’t do anything or say anything to try and take them back. Instead, he simply just blinks down at you, his much taller stature hovering over you as you blink up at him, completely clueless and lost to what he could even possibly be talking about.

“Huh?” Your head tilts in question, and Satori absolutely hates the way it almost makes him feel guilty -- what does he have to feel guilty about? “What do you mean, Satori?”

“This,” he gestures between the two of you, “you don’t have to pretend anymore.”

You just seem even more confused, and by the second, Satori can find himself growing frustrated -- an emotion so obscure for the usual goofy and laidback boy.

“I don’t--”

He grabs you, and his grip is tighter then he means it to be, but he’s too blinded by his own self-pity to really notice. Your eyes narrow in response, wincing slightly at the soft pinch of his grasp, as you stare up at him, lips left parted in bafflement as he glares down at you.

Why was he glaring at you?

“Sat--”

“Why?” He finds himself practically screaming at you, “why are you so nice at me?”

“I-I don’t understand,” you stammer, blinking, mind racing for some kind of answer as to what’s happening. “Satori, I’m not pretending anything and--”

“It’s a joke, isn’t it? Some long strung out joke?” He continues, basically not listening to you at all, and if he is, it’s clear he doesn’t believe a simple word of what you’re trying to desperately profess to him. “Well, jokes over. It’s been long enough now, and I’m tired of it. You must be too. I mean--”

“Is that what you think this is?” You’ve seemed to make sense of it all with a simple breath, and you’re pulling from his grasp suddenly that Satori’s hands are left hanging before him in bafflement. 

You stare up at him, eyes narrowed in anger and disbelief, and your chest is rising and falling quiet rapidly in an emotion Satori’s never quite seen at you. You’re always bubbly, bright eyes and loud laughs, but right now you seem so positively pissed that Satori’s shocked into such a silence.

“You really think, after all of this, I’m just pretending to be your friend?  You yell, shaking your head at him and the guilt Satori had felt before triples when he sees the clear signs of tears in your eyes -- except, this time he thinks he deserves them. “What could I possibly gain from pretending to be nice to you? Do you really think that lowly of me that you think I’m that cruel?”

There’s a pause, your breath catching and Satori’s shaking his head, but no words leave his lips.

“You’re such... such an ass,” you hiss, wiping at your cheeks desperately, “I love you and you think I’m just pretending to be your friend.”

It takes you a single beat to realize what you’ve said. And that point, Satori’s already processed it.

“You... You love me?”

Your widened eyes slacken at his whisper, everything suddenly becoming too much in that moment as you once again wipe at your cheeks, trying without avail to hide the tears that had begun to stream down your cheeks. You’re sniffling quietly to yourself while Satori waits for you to respond, every nerve in his body feeling as if it’s ready to jump, as you try to find your words.

“Well, duh,” you huff, turning away from him to hug yourself. “I thought it was obvious. But... clearly not.”

Satori’s hands itch to reach for you, but he stays still. It occurs to him then just how wrong he’d actually been, and how much time he’d wasted guarding himself around you when you were the last person he’d ever had to do that around. And he hates himself for not realizing before, for making you feel like shit like that, and probably hurting both your feelings and completely embarrassing you.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, “I just... all my life, I never really had anyone and I was just s-scared that--”

“That I was using you too?”

“Yeah...”

“I’m not,” you whisper, finally turning to him and meeting his gaze head on. “I wish you knew that.”

“I do!” Then, he falters, shaking his head. “I do now, I mean.”

Licking your lips, you swallow thickly, taking a step towards him and closing the distance between the two of you as you hesitantly shuffle in front of him. Satori can tell in that moment that now with the heat of the argument gone, you’re probably feeling a little embarrassed and unsure from your confession.

He’s quick to remedy it.

“Y/N-chan?”

You relax slightly at the familiar nickname, “yeah?”

“I love you too.”

And you seem so completely star-struck at the confession, that you blink up at him, wide-eyed and gaped mouth -- the sight so cute that Satori can’t help but let out a chuckle at the sight.

[tanaka-ryunosakes-husband]

kageyama x male reader - confessing to his super loud and chaotic crush only to make him blush and be speechless for once

Okay bet! Thanks for this!!! This was actually really challenging. Creating a character that is chaotic without making it seem forced is difficult.

But! It was a great challenge,! and thank you so much for sending in a request it means a lot! I hope you like it! Sorry for no cut off. I’m on mobile and don’t have easy access to a computer atm. I was only planning on doing small blurbs. Wtf happened to small blurbs? Also sorry it took so long.

Kageyama always has a hard time focusing in class. It’s just boring. Though, he has a new reason this time. You. Kageyama didn’t like you at first, reminded him too much of Hinata or Nishinoya. He didn’t even play volleyball. What would they talk about together?

Somehow you always found a way to talk to him. Sometimes it was complimenting his hair, or drink of choice. -Something about calcium making your bones stronger? At some point you wouldn’t stop talking to Kageyama. He would just talk and talk and talk- How did he have so much to say?

Kageyama first realized he was fond of you when you brought him a snack to afternoon practice because you noticed his stomach growling at the end of classes. Hinata recognized you first.

~~~~~~

“Hey Kageyama, isn’t that the kid who always sits next to you at lunch?” He turns to see you in the doorway. After slipping off your regular shoes, you lunged at him. Jumping onto his back and clinging onto him like a Koala. Somehow not smashing the food you brought him in the process.

“Kageyama! You seemed hungry before you came here! And I know exercise can be rough if you don’t have enough fuel! Like a car! You can go very far with an empty tank. Do I brought you some gas! Don’t worry though,! it’s unleaded. Premium quality.” Dropping off his back and turning to bow slightly to respect the seniors who let you in, you took a moment to breath. “I got a banana and a yogurt. I also have some pork curry buns. I’ve seen how much you can eat! You’re like a large animal with your stomach. But somehow you’re still juman sized and that’s pretty cool-“

“Sorry to interrupt, but we have to actually practice,” I guy with short dark hair puts his hand on your shoulder. You’d almost think he’s the club advisor if he wasn’t wearing a student uniform.

“Oh! Sorry! I get so carried away sometimes. Carried. You can’t carry the ball in volleyball, right? So how do you have so much control. Oh! You seem like a super leadership role type of guy. Maybe you have magic powers to tell the ball where to go. Lead the ball into making points for you. Like. Like. Oh! Like a leash. No…. That’s not right. Like the line leader back in elementary school! You lead the class to the assembly’s ‘n’ stuff.” You jump a little at the door opening. So lost in your tangent, that you forgot where you were.

“Who’s that?” A blonde dude with piercings and a headband asks.

“I’m Kageyama’s friend! He had a small lunch and I wanted him to be able to practice good so I brought him a snack. He’s like a horse or cow with how much he eats. But he uses it all up with volleyball and getting so tall. It’s rude of him to get so tall. Like, bro! Leave some height for the rest of us am I right? Or am I right?” Your phone rings at that. You forgot about your club duties. “I have to go! Kageyama, remember to eat enough next time!” At that, you left.

Tsukishima sighs like he just ran a marathon. “I though Nishinoya-San was bad. That guy actually noticed the size of your lunch? He barely noticed Daichi-San trying to talk to him. What a weirdo.”

~~~~~~

Kageyama grew to really like listening to your tangents at lunch. He was grateful when they interrupted class so he could take a break. He missed them during Tokyo training camps. Most of all, he just liked seeing you excited.

~~~~~~

Kageyama first realized he was more than a little fond of you when you showed up to the first game of the Spring Tourney preliminaries. He was used to only the Alumni’s coming to cheer them on. You were right there with them and Yachi.

~~~~~~

“They all look like a punch of punks, don’t they Yachi?” Karasuno’s first match for the spring tournament was against Ohgiminami. Unable to catch up with Kageyama before warmups you had to settle for calling out his name from the viewing deck. “Though, I guess we have a few that look like punks ourselves. Oh! Oi! Kageyama! Do your best out there!”

He looked up at the stands shocked. Why were you here? Did you like someone on the team? I hope not. I want him to like me. Oh my god I want him to like me.

~~~~~~

Kageyama confessed when you showed up to nationals. Right beside everyone else, cheering him on. You were able to stay with family and didn’t have to worry about paying for a hotel, so it was an easy choice to come.

He sent you a text to meet him outside the inn, he wanted to talk to you.

~~~~~~

“Kageyama! I’m so glad you texted me! You played great out there, it’s good you adapted to the new arena nicely. It’s so exciting! You made it to nationals! First year of high school! You made the difference!” You kept rambling on for a while, as Kageyama tried to find a pause to talk.

Eventually he got so exasperated that he just forced a pause. “I really like you, okay?! I want to date you! And do all the dating things! I want you to be my boyfriend!” He squeezed his eyes shut, afraid you might get mad and yell at him.

He honestly hoped you would ramble in agreement with him, but that didn’t happen. You said nothing. Might as well check. The first thing he saw when he opened his eyes was red. Your face was so red it looked like you got sunburnt. You were speechless. Stuttering, even. You. Stuttering. You? Stuttering?

Frustrated with your own inability to say something you decided to just hug him. Having been prepared for the worst this confused and excited him. It took him a bit to actually hug you back.

Finally finding your words, you whispered into his shoulder, “I like you too. A lot. I want to be your boyfriend.” He squeezed you tighter.

~~~~~~

Your days of high school flew by super quickly. It’s your two year anniversary and your third year of high school. Wanting Kageyama to rest, you decided to stay in and have a relaxed date. Doing some self-care, eating all kinds of snacks, and watching your favorite movies together. It was perfect.

~~~~~~

“We should go to bed. You need your rest, you have to leave for nationals in a couple days, now is the time to let your body heal and prepare. Okay?” He nodded sleepily into your chest. Both wrapped in several blankets and wearing big hoodies it felt like the perfect nest. Neither of you moved to get up.

You decided it’s fine to sleep here, and kisses the top of his head. He looked up with droopy eyes and messy hair, puckering his lips for a real kiss.

The kiss was deep and full of love, his mouth left a little salty from the snacks from earlier. But he smelled just like himself. He smelled like home. You smiled into the kiss that you never wanted to end.

[valwentinefics]

Altruism Ch.1 (Zemo x Reader x Bucky)

A/N: Here it is ya’ll, my thank you for 100 followers series! I know 100 isn’t a lot in the grand scheme of things but I’m just a random girl who’s super insecure about her writing, so having 100 people who like it is really exciting for me! Thank you! 

This chapter is just setting things up, don’t worry there’ll be more romantic things in the next chapter onward.

Masterlist

Warnings: spoilers for tfatws ep 3

Y/n walked into the mechanics garage with soft careful steps, not sure if she had gotten the right address. She glanced down at her phone, double checking. Yep, this was the right place. The garage smelled of gas, the scent almost making her dizzy as she approached the bickering voices that bounced off the concrete walls. It took a few moments to recognize them, but once she did the tension slipped out of her body and she closed the pocket knife she had been wielding. She walked around a car and to the two men, who didn’t acknowledge her presence if they noticed it. 

“I don’t like how casual you’re being about this, this is unnatural.” Sam looked around, exasperated. “And where are we man, what does Y/n have to do with this?” He questioned, giving Y/n a small nod hello that she returned with a friendly wave.

Before Bucky had time to speak, the click of a door opening rang throughout the garage, turning everyone’s attention to the shrinking shadow of a man approaching, only to be revealed as Zemo once he pushed past the clear plastic divider. Sam looked shocked, moving forward swiftly to confront the man.

“Woah...woah, woah, woah! Hey! What are you doing here?” Asked Sam, held back by Bucky. 

“Did he not tell you the plan?” Asked Y/n. “Bucky you need to tell people your plans, it's rude to not.” Y/n scolded, feeling bad for Sam having to be shoved into this. She side eyed Zemo as he approached, side stepping closer to the arguing men to get away from him.

“I didn’t want to tell you because I knew you wouldn’t let this happen!” Bucky explained as if that was a good reason to hide something so big.

Y/n watched as Sam and Bucky bickered about Zemo, wishing she had the guts to say no to people. She was a pushover, and saying no to a friend just felt rude, especially a friend like Bucky who was for the most part alone. It was perhaps her fatal flaw, her inability to say no to someone in need. It made her a great nurse and an even better friend, but a not so happy person. Sometimes she wished she could just yell no to the next person who asked something of her, but the fear of saying to outweighed her need to have alone time to rest and feel better.

“If I may…” Zemo began to say something, taking off the prison guard hat. Y/n had to admit, objectively and not out of her own opinion, he looked good in the uniform.

“No!” Shouted both Sam and Bucky simultaneously, fed up with him already. Y/n could see why they needed her around now, they would lose their patience with him quickly.  

“...Apologies…” Zemo said, looking down. Y/n almost felt bad for him. Almost.

“When Steve refused to sign the Sokovia accords you two backed him. You broke the law and you stuck your neck out, for me. I’m asking you to do it again.” Bucky said to both Y/n and Sam.

“And I will Bucky, don’t worry we’re friends, I have your back!” Y/n smiled at him, wanting to turn around and leave. She really didn’t want to do this, but they were friends after all and that meant sticking her neck out for him.

“I really think I’m invaluable-” Zemo began, clearly not learning his lesson from the last time he spoke.

“Shut up!” Sam sighed, tired of Zemo already. “Okay if we’re going to do this, you don’t make a move without our permission.”

“Fair.” He replied

Sam looked at him, he also seemed like he didn't really want to do this “Okay Zemo… Where do we start?” 

Zemo smirked a bit before leading them through the plastic divider and to a room filled with many old and expensive cars. Y/n was too focused examining them to listen to what the others were saying, figuring she would just figure it out eventually. She walked around an old red car, admiring how shiny it was despite how long it must have been since it was driven. She was too focused on admiring it to notice Bucky's approach.

“Thanks, for saying yes. It means a lot.” Thanked the stoic man who put his hand on the side of the car, only to pull it away when Y/n gave him a pointed glare because he would smudge it. 

“Anything for you Bucky, you know that.” Y/n smiled at the super soldier. “But are you sure about this? About Zemo? He could turn on us at any minute.”

Bucky nodded. “I’m sure. We need him Y/n, he’s our best chance at taking down the Flag Smashers.”

Y/n sighed. To be honest she sympathised with the Flag Smashers, having just become accustomed to a new normal, only to be kicked out of their new homes and tossed onto the streets, but she didn’t voice her opinion to Bucky, she knew he’d disagree

“Whatever you say Bucky…” Y/n sighed, looking down until Bucky’s hand touched her shoulder. He was about to say something when Zemo’s voice interrupted and his hand jerked away.

“We’re going to need to scale a ladder of lowlives, first a mid level fence named Selbie that I still have a line on, from there we climb.” Zemo stated, holding a jacket and a light brown leather bag in his hands. He glanced back to the three people behind him, Y/n throwing Bucky a nervous smile before rushing to follow Zemo.

-

“So all this time you’ve been rich?” Sam asked as the four approached Zemo’s private jet. Y/n was shocked. From how he dressed last time she saw him, Y/n had assumed he was just a normal middle class man.

“I’m a baron Sam. My family was royalty until your friends destroyed my country.”

Y/n felt shame deep in her body as Zemo greeted his pilot and they boarded the plane. She didn’t know much about Zemo. She didn’t know his motives for doing what he did to her friends, but she did know that as a result of her friends actions his country was destroyed and she felt terrible. She sometimes at night still felt the pain of the wounds of the sokovian citizens burning into her skin as she took them from them. 

That was her power, to take the wounds from others and give them to herself with only slightly accelerated healing to compensate. Y/n became nothing but a glorified nurse to the Avengers, only receiving words of thanks for her efforts and nothing more, other than Bucky and Steve of course, they were above and beyond making sure she was okay, especially Bucky. She had long accepted that the other Avengers were too busy to truly make sure she was okay like those two had done, but it and the pain she could still feel from the Sokovian incident were both factors in why she retired after the Avengers own civil war.

She looked up from her lap, finding herself in the seat across from Zemo, who was watching her with his head slightly tilted. She must have been lost in her thoughts for a while as per usual, seeing Sam doze off and Bucky with headphones in looking out the window. Y/n crossed and uncrossed her legs, looking around the plane with nothing to do. She was too nervous to bite the bullet and start a conversation with Zemo. Luckily for her, he spoke up. 

“We’re going to Madripoor.” Zemo stated, his voice causing Y/n to look him in his eyes. “You seemed a little out of it while I was explaining it, I assumed you would like to know.” 

Y/n was hesitant to reply, not knowing if she should be having a conversation with him. “Thank you.”

Zemo took a sip of what Y/n assumed was champagne judging from the glass. “If you don’t mind my asking, what were you thinking of?”

Y/n didn’t see a reason not to tell him, letting out a small sigh. “I was thinking of Sokovia…” Zemo’s head tilt looked as if it was encouraging her to go on. His eyes had a strange way of making it seem as if she was the only person in the world when she spoke. “My power… I used it a lot back then… I tried to do the best I could to help the civilians.”

For a few moments  Zemo looked as if he was looking through Y/n and back at that day before replying, snapping out of whatever mindset he was in for those moments. “Your power. Is an interesting one, but I’ve always wondered… You do so much for other people. What do they do for you?”

-

Tag list: Let me know if you would like to be added

[blazingparker]

tony finds out that peter wants to propose. marriage = very scary thing for tony. tony panics. peter mishears and thinks the issue is that tony doesn’t want to marry HIM. [misunderstandings + breaking up then making up + angst w/ a happy ending].

thanks sooo much for this prompt, anon!!!! i changed it a little so they didn’t break up but they do have a big fight and make up. It’s also a little shorter than i wanted since i can’t really type still due to my wrist injury but i didn’t want to make you wait any longer. i really hope you enjoy this!

read it on ao3!

---

But Your Fears Get in the Way

Peter was going to propose.

Holy shit, Peter was going to propose.

It wasn’t like Tony had meant to overhear, okay? It wasn’t his fault Peter had assumed Tony was in the lab, not in the living room when he got back from patrol.

“Yeah, Ned, I got the ring. No, I don’t know when yet. I’ll let you know. I just-I want it to be perfect, you know?”

Tony had reacted wonderfully, if you must know. He most certainly did not pretend to be asleep on the couch so Peter wouldn’t know he’d overheard, and he definitely did not avoid his boyfriend as much as possible in the following days. It was a shitty move, and Tony knew it, but he didn’t know what else to do. He wasn’t marriage material. What he and Peter had - it worked. If they changed it, if they got engaged, Tony would ruin it. He knew that, and he needed Peter to know that before he lost the best relationship he’d ever had because of his own inability to stop fucking up.

It was just a question of how to bring it up to Peter without breaking his heart and ruining everything anyway. Which was why he’d asked Rhodey to come over and help him out. Tony wasn’t the greatest with words and knew he needed to practice with someone before going out and essentially tell his boyfriend ‘Hey, I overheard you the other day. Sweet gesture, but I’m not marriage material.’

“Tony.”

Tony looked up from the Iron Man gauntlet he was in the middle of repairing to find his best friend standing in the middle of the lab, looking very irritated.

“Hey honey bear,” Tony snarked, sitting back in his chair and setting his tools down.

“You do realize you asked me to come over here, right?” “Course I do.”

“Well, then maybe next time you could put down your toys the first time I call your name instead of the fifth.” Rhodey gave Tony a little smirk and crossed the room, sitting down in a chair across from Tony. The genius ran a hand over his face, looking genuinely apologetic - a rare occurrence for him.

“Sorry, Rhodey. I just-this has got me really shaken up,” he admitted. Rhodey tried not to let his shock show, knowing Tony would shut down and shut him out if he looked like he might be mocking him or not taking him seriously.

“You said Peter wants to propose?” He asked, Tony nodding to confirm the information he’d shared over the phone. Rhodey whistled lowly and blew out a breath, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees. “That’s big stuff, man.”

“I know it’s big stuff!” Tony almost yelled, reining it back in at the unimpressed look the other man shot in his direction. “I just-I can’t let him. I can’t let him propose. But if I stop him beforehand, I’ll break his fucking heart and he’ll know I overheard him the other night. If I say no, that’d be even worse. If I say yes, I’m just prolonging the inevitable break-up.”

“Why would it be an inevitable break-up? Peter loves you. You’ve been together for four years, Tony. That’s plenty of time for someone to decide their relationship is or isn’t going to work and then act accordingly. Clearly he loves you a whole lot if he’s bought the ring and everything like you said.” Rhodey tried to keep any judgment out of his tone, wanting to understand and not aggravate his friend.

“Because that’s what I do!” Tony exclaimed, standing up so fast his chair rolled backwards across the lab floor. “I ruin relationships. It’s honestly a fucking miracle this has lasted this long, you saw how Pepper and I were before.” Rhodey didn’t disagree - Tony and Pepper had been a hot mess. “I ruin relationships, but I haven’t yet with Peter! So everything needs to just-just stay the same so that I can continue to not fuck it up. For once in my life.”

There was silence after that, Tony’s chest heaving as he breathed in heavily and tried to calm himself down. Rhodey stood from his chair as well, crossing the room to his best friend and gently placing a hand on his shoulder. Tony almost seemed on the verge of tears, something he’d only seen a handful of times before.

“I don’t think you could ruin what you and Peter have,” Rhodey said, holding up a hand when Tony immediately opened his mouth to argue. “But if you’re that worried about it, tell him.”

“Tell him what?” Tony asked, and Rhodey took a second to think about how to phrase his next words. He thought Tony’s fears about ruining his and Peter’s relationships were uncalled for, but they didn’t come from nowhere. There was real fear there that needed to be addressed. Both men were so deeply engrossed in their own thoughts and their conversation that neither noticed the lab door easing open slightly and a head full of fluffy brown curls peeking in.

“Tell him you can’t,” Rhodey eventually suggested. “Just-tell him everything you told me. Talk it out with him. Tell him you’re not ready for marriage yet but that you still love him.”

“I’m not ever going to be ready.”

“Then tell him that, Tony. Tell him you can’t marry him. But tell him, not me.”

The two men jumped at the sound of the lab door slamming shut and swift footsteps running down the hall.

“Who was that?” Tony asked, thoroughly confused.

“It seems Mr. Parker is leaving the building in quite a hurry,” JARVIS spoke up. Tony’s entire chest filled with dread and the room was suddenly entirely too cold. Peter had heard. How much had he heard? Didn’t matter, he heard enough to just leave. He’d done it again, he’d ruined the one good thing he had left--

“I’ve ruined this already,” Tony wheezed, finding it difficult to breathe. Rhodey’s hands landed on his arms, his best friend coaching him through taking some deep breaths.

“You didn’t. We both made a pretty huge mistake, but we can fix it. Let’s go talk to him, we can explain.” Tony shook his head, placing his hand on Rhodey’s and removing it.

“No, I need to fix this. Thanks though.” He gave Rhodey a weak smile before rushing out the door, following JARVIS’ directions up to the penthouse.

-

“Peter!” He called out as the elevator doors opened. He heard shuffling in their bedroom and ran over to the doorway.

Peter was packing a bag. That feeling of dread in Tony's chest intensified as he took in the scene.

“What?” The younger man asked coldly, shoving clothing into his suitcase in a hurried manner that was so unlike him. Usually he treated his things with more care, folding each item carefully before placing it gently in Ben’s old suitcase.

“Just-stop packing, okay?” Tony walked over to where the suitcase rested on the bed and gently tried to block Peter from placing another shirt inside. Thanks to Peter’s ridiculously good reflexes, he was unsuccessful.

“Why? So I can keep listening to the bullshit you and Rhodey were spewing downstairs?” Peter asked, and Tony sighed as he continued to pack. Eventually, the billionaire just started taking the clothes back out of the suitcase, something Peter squawked at. For a few moments, there was just a flurry of movement as Tony took clothing out and Peter rushed to put it back in.

“Knock it off!” Peter cried out after a few moments, catching Tony’s wrists in his hands and holding them tightly.

“Then hear me out,” Tony said, trying to stay calm for them both. On the inside, though, he was terrified. And maybe a little turned on by Peter manhandling him like that--

Focus, Tony.

“Fine,” Peter practically growled as he released Tony’s wrists and took a step back from his suitcase. “Talk, then.”

“First of all, what you heard was taken wildly out of context,” Tony started, and Peter immediately scoffed and rolled his eyes. The younger man crossed his arms over his chest defensively, taking a few steps back from his boyfriend and fixing him with an incredulous look.

“Oh, so you weren’t talking about how much you don’t want to marry me? How you can’t?” He spat out, the words seemingly spearing directly through Tony’s heart.

“Peter-”

“Don’t Peter me. If you didn’t want to marry me, you could have just fucking said so!” Peter said, clearly distressed but trying to hold back tears. “No, but instead-instead, you strung me along for four goddamn years only to tell your friend that you can’t marry me instead of telling me! Do you not see how fucked up that is, Tony?! The second you overheard me you should have come to me instead of avoiding me like the plague! I thought I’d done something wrong, but I guess the only thing that I did wrong was loving you too much.”

“I-”

“No, I’m not finished,” Peter said, pointing at him. Something in his gaze, in the way he held himself in such a defensive way that he’d never been around Tony before, made the genius shut up. “Four years is plenty of time to tell me you don’t want to marry me. Plenty of time for you to let me go so we can both move on. Why didn’t you? What did you think was going to happen? That we were just going to stay boyfriends forever? Newsflash, Tony, in adult relationships there’s this thing called commitment.”

“I have been wholly committed to this relationship for four years, Parker,” Tony growled, more than a little bit of anger peeking through the fear at those words.

“Congratu-fucking-lations! You’re not acting like an adult though, are you? Committing to a relationship means commitment for the future, too! Not just right now.” Peter yelled - he was yelling now - and something inside Tony broke.

“I never said I didn’t want to marry you!” He yelled, and both of them fell into a shocked silence. Tony never raised his voice - not at Peter, anyway. Sure, they’d fought before, but Tony was usually calmer and when he did get angry he never yelled like that. They both took a few breaths before Tony ran his hands over his face and continued.

“I never said the problem was you,” he rephrased, voice softer now as he glanced down at the floor. “I’m the problem, Peter.”

“You’re the-”

“No, stop. Just let me talk.” Tony’s voice was exhausted, defeated even. He knew this was coming, despite Rhodey telling him otherwise. Despite hoping his days of setting relationships on fire and then watching them burn were over.

“Okay,” Peter agreed in an equally quiet tone. He felt slightly bad for screaming at Tony like that, but given what he’d overheard it had felt justified at the time. Now, after seeing his boyfriend look so utterly broken like this? He wasn’t so sure.

“This,” Tony gestured between them. “This is what I do. I cause problems. My relationships start out great and then inevitably I fuck it up somehow. A suit comes to protect me from a nightmare. I forget an anniversary because I’m too busy tinkering in the lab.” He finally met Peter’s eyes. “I take my fears of losing you to my best friend instead of to you, like I should have.” Something in Peter’s eyes softened slightly at that last admission, and Tony swallowed before continuing.

“Four years with you isn’t enough, Peter. Our whole lives won’t be enough. Of course I want to marry you. But I can’t. I can’t marry you because then when I fuck up and lose you then we’re both going to be in for a world of hurt. It’ll be easier if we just stay like this.” Peter took in a breath like he wanted to say something but Tony kept talking. “I’m not saying dating is going to make it so I never screw this up, but it’ll at least let me enjoy this a little longer. Enjoy you a little longer.”

There was a beat of silence.

Then another.

After a few moments, Peter walked up to Tony and gently took his hands in his own, rubbing his thumbs over calloused knuckles.

“You’re an idiot,” he whispered fondly, and Tony tried to jerk his hands out of Peter’s grip. His boyfriend was too fast, though, holding on steadily and continuing those soft touches.

“That’s not news,” Tony tried to joke, but his voice was weak.

“You’re not going to lose me,” Peter murmured.

“I just did! Almost. You were packing!”

“Because I thought my boyfriend didn’t want to marry me. I thought-” Peter broke off, taking in a shaky breath as tears came to his eyes. “I thought you wanted marriage, but not with me. Why would I stay and make us both go through a relationship where neither one of us is ever going to get what we really want?”

Tony could almost kiss his stupid, selfless boyfriend. Of course Peter fucking Parker would put his own heart into the line of fire to make sure Tony got what he really wanted.

“Now that I know that that’s not what you meant, I’m here to stay. Of course I’m here to stay. I love you, Tony.” Peter reached up and pressed a soft kiss to Tony’s cheek, squeezing his hands lightly.

“So you understand why I can’t?” Tony asked, and Peter rolled his eyes. The action was more fond now than it was angry.

“No, I don’t. But we’re going to work on it. As long as what we both want most is each other, then we can work it out. I’m not going to let your fears get in the way of us.” Peter smiled sweetly up at Tony, who felt slightly dizzy. Peter wasn’t leaving him. They were going to be okay.

“I’ll work on it,” he promised, voice barely more than a whisper.

“We will,” Peter amended. Tony simply nodded before leaning down, capturing Peter’s lips in a fierce kiss. He finally pulled his hands free of that soft grip and wrapped them around the smaller man, tugging him into his chest and holding him close.

As they slowly broke apart, Tony barely held back a whine and tried to chase after Peter’s lips. His boyfriend just laughed, placing a gentle finger on Tony’s lips.

“Wanna help me get my clothes off the bed?” He asked, and the older man groaned at the thought of cleaning up.

“Do we have to?” He asked.

“Well, we can’t exactly have fantastic make-up sex if the bed is covered in all my clean clothes,” Peter pointed out, smirking as he mouthed along Tony’s neck before pulling away.

Tony, ever the genius, simply ripped the comforter off the bed and tossed it aside, revealing sheets with no clean clothing in the way.

“Fixed,” he crowed, picking Peter up and placing him on the bed. The laughter that rang out in their bedroom as he climbed on top of his boyfriend was something Tony knew he would cherish.

They had things to work through, that was for sure. But it was like Peter said. As long as they both wanted each other, Tony had a feeling they would figure it all out.