#and it only took me like an hour and a half ??? i am speed meow kitties.

[catboy-a-day]

catboy 33 :33 shopping!

[koopakaper]

mudae is fucked up bro what the fuck has it done to me

random person rolling THE SPOT at 3 AM while I’m outside smoking

I’m gonna expose the whole system

If you don’t know how the game works, basically you can roll random characters that you can claim for yourself. You can roll 10 an hour, but can only claim once every 3 hours or so. I think that they purposefully drip feed you characters to get you addicted. There’s an algorithm. It tracks what characters are popular, and what characters it knows you like. It knows when you use the bot so it purposefully rolls characters it thinks you want based on your pattern and gives it to you like a fish goes for bait or something analogyesque

I’m checking my disablelist which lets you disable certain groups of characters with a low limit. You can optimally disable a perfect amount of characters to get the best odds at rolling a wish (A character that gets pinged if rolled and can “boost the chance” of it rolling (probably still an active detriment to you rolling because of course the algorithm doesn’t actually want you to get a like 250% bonus chance when you get max upgrades to actually be a pure random roll you’d get them all the time if they were TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY PERCENT MORE LIKELY TO HAPPEN.)) 

I try to disable this random company’s roster but it doesn’t work because I forgor

disabling the most fucking random ass shit I could find with higher than average wg (Waifu Game (It’s cringe because this bot was made by weebs but whatever). Category where you only roll women from games. The alternatives being Husbando (fuck whoever came up with ‘husbando’) Game (hg), but also Waifu Animanga (wa) (Everything that’s not game) and husbando (seriously Fuck that guy) Animanga (ha). I was on wg because I basically completed my ha wishlist which left me with the most random characters. I was on ha for like a YEAR AND A HALF getting all the characters I wanted it took soooo long, and since ha is most of the characters I want anyway (with other people rolling wa so I can get those characters too) I basically mained that category and decided to go on break for new characters to get added (happens once in a blue moon because the mods are lazy as fuck and take like 6 weeks to sort through something that could be done in a Google Form. (jk idc about the time)) so I was about to go back to the years long struggle of completing ha

(The characters on there with the check mark are characters I was trying to get keys with. Keys are just extra rewards that give you bonus, sometimes helpful stuff if you roll a character you already own. Of course owning characters that would give high reward makes them NEVER roll so you get a bunch of shit rewards from the lowest worth card in your “harem” (more cringe).) 

(The ones with nothing next to them are ones I haven’t got yet. Of course having them on here probably decreases their chance. Well no. It does help, but the point is, is that before the boost, the % chance is in the negatives. Putting it at a very low chance which sucks.)

(And the one with the X next to it is the reason I swapped to wg in the first place. I wanted to set up my perfect disablelist and wishlist to get Meow Skulls but... I lost to my literal arch nemesis who took my wish (THEY ROLLED THE SPOT)

Anyway

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ The Meow Skulls in question (from Fortnite)

WHAT THE FUCK THE GIF SPEEDS UP I THOUGHT I WAS GOING CRAZY BUT NO THE GIF GETS EXPONENTIALLY FASTER FOR SOME REASON WHY DOES IT DO THAT

I try to swap back to my other disablelist but I can’t remember the command

The DM I got

ok

Mudae commands aren’t done with ! you fucking IDIOT gotem qs2 my balls lol

I finally figure out how to save my currect wishlists and disablelists so I can come back to wg later

I try to clear my wishlists and disablelists to get a blank slate by loading an empty slot but that’s NOT HOW IT WORKS IDIOT

I finally manage to find the commands

I clear it all out

I’m checking my work. Finally doing what I was trying to do. But that’s where I fucked up also because why the fuck would I ever think to do this

I became self aware quickly

I remembered what I was actually trying to do

my rolls:

random thing no one cares about

random shit no one cares about

random shit no one cares about

random shit one cares about

Awesome Face (had to claim that lol epic)

Random shit no one cares about

Random shit no one cares about

Random shit no one cares about

Eduardo. Nice key and I got some good kakera (the currency, commonly known as kak)

it actually kinda sucked (white ones usually give more but because the white one breaks down into multiple, you essentially get multiple kak per kak

The colors are as follows:

Purple: like 100 kak

Blue: like 150-200

Light Blue: 250-350

Yellow: 400-650

Orange: 700- 950

Red: 1050-1300

White: starts out as 3, sometimes 4 random kak crystals, upgrades to 5, sometimes 6 kak crystals (and beyond?). 

Just estimates, idk the exact number

The worst roll I could get from the white is 5 purples, but blue are most common, and are 2nd worst. So basically I got 4 2nd worsts and one 3rd worst

There’s also RAINBOW kak which gives like 3.5k per grab but it’s super rare.

 I’ve actually gotten it most out of everyone in my server, being FIVE

Random shit no one cares about

Random shit no one cares about

Random shit no one cares about

Random shit no one cares about

Random shit no one cares about

Random shit no one cares about

Cool, another key

Random shit no one cares about

And fucking Earle Schmerle

Wait hold on let me explain

Everytime you claim a character, a message gets sent

You can customize this message.

By default it’s like “username has married charname”

But everyone moved it away from being romantic in that way, so I thought “Wouldn’t it be funny if I did the exact opposite?” and that has been my claim message to this day, which has led to some interesting screenshots

So yeah I rolled shit all

Thank Mudae algorithm

so yeah Mudae is a gambling addiction and I genuinely think it drains my mental health i hope you enjoy my journey

[erismerald]

𝓂𝑒𝑒𝓉 𝒽𝒾𝓂 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝒻𝒾𝓇𝓈𝓉 𝓉𝒾𝓂𝑒 (Ezra Miller x plus size reader)

Hello my little angels, well I decided to change a little and today I bring you a new Main Character for my stories, meet Ezra Miller!

I swear by God I love this man, he is a huge inspiration and a crush that has been in my heart for some time now!

I hope you like it, I would like to remind you that the requests are open and that I am willing to do on:

Ezra Miller Credence Barebone Kevin Khatchadorian

and the usual ones that you already know, but  more ahead I will repost the information about the requests with the respctives changes

I hope you like it, GOOD READING :3

______________________________________________________________

𝓌𝒶𝓇𝓃𝒾𝓃𝑔𝓈: none

It's already 6 a.m. and you're just finishing tidying up the last pieces of clothing inside the bag, and you feel something on your leg rubbing, you look down and you see a little (and fat) kitten, your eyes crossed if he lets out a meow, tries to call your attention, you lean down and hold him in your lap.

"You must be hungry already, right Nala? I'm sorry I'm not paying you so much attention but I have to get ready because in an hour Alice will be here to pick me up so we can go to the airport" you speak in a baby's voice and caress the beige hair of the little being who was hiding in your arms.

You put Nala on the ground and walk to the kitchen, you live in a small apartment by the sea, it was fantastic to see the sunrise or the sunset from your balcony, those were your favorite hours, where you had time to think and let your mind wander through the pages of the books, or through the lines of the countless drawings you did.

As you walked, your body shook with the cold of the kitchen floor, you looked at the window and opened the door to the small balcony and saw the sun rising, you saw the pink and orange light filling the ocean, you inspired the sea air and you went back inside and opened the closet removing the food for Nala and turned on the coffee machine. You lower your body and pour the food into Nala's bowl and once again you caress the kitten by listening to her eat.

You get up slowly and walk to the balcony, the cold at dawn was still there, you take a deep breath and try to think about what was about to happen...

A few weeks ago you turned 19, and your best friend and her older brother gave you 3 tickets to a comicon dedicated to the world of Harry Potter, and there would be the cast of the movie "fantastic animals: The Grindewall Crimes", you've loved the world of Harry Potter since you were a little girl and well... You've had a gigantic crush on Ezra Miller since you were 14, and when you found out he was going to be in that comicon you accepted without thinking twice...well now you start thinking about the consequences of that action of yours, just thinking that you were going to be face to face with Ezra made you completely nervous, tonight you almost didn't sleep just thinking about what you were going to say. While you were distracted with your thoughts, you heard your phone ring and you ran to the room to answer it, and when you unlocked the phone you saw Alice's number so you answered immediately.

"Yes?" You spoke calmly and waited to hear Alice's answer.

"Hey! Are you ready? We're almost there" Alice said excitedly, you took a deep breath looking at the suitcase trying to see if you forgot anything.

"Well, I'm ready, I just need to get my shoes on and close the window." You were a little nervous thinking you were a few hours away from meeting the man who makes your heart beat fast every time you see him on TV.

"Okay then in 10 minutes we'll be there!" Alice said quickly and hung up.

You looked in the mirror next to you and looked at yourself a little bit...you were chubby, you had curly hair and some tattoos on your arms and a huge butterfly on your thigh, in your mind you weren't as attractive as some people told you, you had a huge lack of self-esteem, and that's basically what made you more nervous about meeting the cast, you were afraid they'd judge you silently. ...or worse if Ezra judged you... you just shake your head and try to forget that thought, you look at your cell phone and you see that it's only 10 minutes to 7 a.m. and your flight is at 9, so you try to rush a little bit. You put on your favourite all star, closed your suitcase and went towards the kitchen and saw Nala lying on a chair asleep, you smiled when you saw that innocent little creature asleep, you closed the door and the window that gave access to the balcony, you left a message in the fridge for your mother to feed Nala 3 times a day and to water the plants, you took the suitcase and left the apartment.

»» time skipping ««

In a few hours you arrived in Orlando, the comicon would happen at the Harry potter  park, you were delirious, more than your friends, but they knew how important that was for you.

When you walked into the park you started crying, it was the first time you walked into it, you couldn't really deny the happiness you were feeling at that moment.

"This is really magical, I never thought I would come here...at least so soon" you said smiling, you would never have forgotten this experience.

"We know how important this was to you, you don't need to cry ahaha" Alice said, hugging you with a radiant smile, "Look, it's not too long before lunchtime, do you want to get something to eat?" Alice asked, taking you by the hand and pulling you lightly.

You simply nodded and followed her until we arrived at a small restaurant near the place where the "meeting" with the cast was going to be.

The restaurant was really beautiful, it looked like we were inside one of the harry potter movies, your heart was a thousand, you didn't know how to process all that information.

A few more minutes were waiting for food when you heard an incredibly familiar voice, looked back and saw Ezra Miller walk into the restaurant with Claudia Kim by her side.

He was gorgeous, he really is super attractive, and his laughter echoed through the restaurant that was half empty, you saw him sitting at a table next to yours, and when his gaze crossed yours, you turned your face feeling the heat from your cheeks rising, and you could tell that his gaze was still glued on you.

Alice looked at you with a confused smile until she looked at the table next to you and saw who was next to you, her smile increased and she looked at him blatantly.

"It's Ezra Miller and he's looking over here" she said and you just nodded and answered.

"I know...please don't make him look this way please." You asked almost like a whisper, you looked over your shoulder and saw him smiling at you, your heart skipped a beat, you couldn't believe you were in the same space as Ezra Miller.

"I'm going to the bathroom" you said and got up very quickly, and as you passed Ezra's table you felt his gaze appreciate your body, at least you thought that, the worst options he would be judging you.

You went into the bathroom and took a deep breath to try to calm your heart rhythm, you took another breath and then you came out and regretted it the moment you saw Ezra and Claudia sitting at your table talking and laughting with your friends and when Alice looks at you Ezra's gaze sticks to yours.

"Y/n! Come on, the food's here!" Alice spoke and made a gesture with her hand to call you to her side, but the only vacant place was next to Ezra, you shook your head and saw Alice do the same gesture little by little but with a little more aggressiveness.

you start to walk and when you arrived at the table, you sat right next to Ezra, who in turn glued his gaze on yours and smiled softly.

"Hey, Y/n, isn't it?" he asked me with a sweet smile literally ignoring everyone around you

"Y-yes, nice to meet you" you say looking at him embarrassed, he found it funny to see your cheeks blush when he came at you

"Nice to meet you Y/n, so you came here for the comicon?" he asked you by picking up a fry and putting it in your mouth

“well she's come more to see you, she's been a fa you since a long time"Alice interrupted the conversation, what made you want to kill her at the moment, she just looked at you and shrugged, with a malicious smile, when you looked at Ezra again he seemed to observe your movements.

"Oh yeah? well it's a good thing we're meeting, isn't it?" he removed his mobile phone and opened the notes "can I have your number so I can meet you again?" he asked and put the mobile phone in front of you waiting for you to enter your number, you looked at it and smiled shyly, doing whar he ask.

"Thanks, now you won't have to wait for the comicon to find us" he said, smiled and winked, he was flirting with you? was this reality? Well, this day has gotten a lot better.

» TIme Skipping «

after you had one of your best days of your life, because you'd spent the whole day in Ezra's company and that was the most exciting moment of your life.

It was almost 10pm and you were in your hotel room lying there watching your social networks when you got a message from an unknown number

« Hey, I know it's a little late but I was wondering if you'd agree to come for breakfast with me tomorrow, I have the day off ;) Good night of sleep ASS: Ezra » 

when you saw that message your heart speeded up, and a shy smile roared from your lips, and without long you decided to answer

« Heyy, I'd love to, I'll meet you in front of the park, thank you for the invitation, sleep well Ezra :3 »

after that day your relationship with Ezra grew to something more, and you couldn't wait to see what the future will bring to you!!

[moonbeambucky]

Ho, Ho, Oh No!

Pairing: Lance Tucker x Reader Word Count: 2312 Warnings: fluff, implied smut

Summary: Plenty of gifts will be exchanged as you and Lance celebrate Christmas but you’re not prepared for a certain surprise

A/N: Thank you as always to Sam @buckyofthemyscira​ for beta reading 💕 gif not mine (x)

It’s peaceful in the morning without the sound of an alarm going off, a rare occurrence left for Sunday’s only, when there are no obligations besides dreaming cozily under your comforter. That’s a half lie, there is a very important responsibility to tend to, the one whose paws are swatting at your face, forcing you awake.

“Okay, okay Kip. I’m up.” You rub the sleep out of your eyes, tempted to roll back over until you see the sweet face of your little tabby begging for food.

Not so reluctantly you sit up, stretching your arms above your head and yawning so loudly you scare the poor cat.

“Sorry buddy, mommy’s tired,” you apologized, whether he could understand you or not.

Staggered footsteps take you to the kitchen where you open up a can of cat food. Kip weaves through your legs in a delicate dance you’ve learned to be aware of as he eagerly awaits his breakfast.

It’s not like he was starving by any means, dry food still sits in his other bowl but he wants the good stuff. His face is in the bowl before you set it on the ground, and you ignore the way your own body cracks as you stand up again. You need a massage and honestly you can’t wait until your other half gets home so you could have one.

Lance was due back today after traveling with the gymnastics team he coached and you missed him like crazy. Facetiming was just not the same although he made a point to do it every day he was gone.

You had been dating for a year and a half, living together for just a few months now and life was practically perfect. You fell in love with him and his rescue cat, and when you found out Lance named him after a gymnastics move your heart filled with even more affection for the suave athlete that was really a secret dork.

The warmth of the shower relieved your aching muscles and smelling the container of Lance’s body wash eased your mind knowing he would be home soon. He had been gone for too long and you had a plan in mind to welcome him back.

A few hours later Lance walked through the door, bright blue eyes standing out against wind bitten cheeks, bundled up in a heavy coat littered with melting flurries.

“Y/N?” he called out, taking off his coat and hanging it in the front closet.

Kip greeted Lance with a hearty meow as he was bent over to take off his boots. He lifted the cat in his arms, scratching his ears as Kip purred under Lance’s touch.

“Where’s Y/N?” he asked Kip who rubbed the top of his head against Lance’s face.

Lance placed Kip on the floor and he grabbed his suitcase, as he headed for the bedroom he wondered where you could be. Your car was in the driveway but there was a chance you had gone out, although after a long trip there was nothing more that Lance wanted than to cuddle up next to you.

As he entered the bedroom Lance froze in place, more than surprised to find you on your knees in the middle of the bed, wearing red baby doll lingerie with white marabou trim. The Santa hat you wore flopped to the side when you tilted your head to greet him. Feeling himself twitch in his pants he instantly thought of another thing he could possibly want to do with you.

“Welcome home baby,” you cooed, a coy smile pulling at your lips as you seductively licked the candy cane in your hand.

“Is it Christmas already?” he asked, his weight dipping the mattress as he crawled towards you, laying you back on the bed and nudging your legs apart with his own.

You traced the candy cane along his lips, watching as the blue of his eyes retreated to a thin line as he sucked on the minty treat, humming sinfully.

“Only for naughty boys like you.”

His lips were on yours in an instant, tingling with sweet peppermint kisses that lingered on every part of your skin. That night Kip waited just a little bit longer for his dinner.

It was hard to focus on the task at hand, with Lance on the floor shifting the base of the Christmas tree you just brought home. His ass looked amazing in those sweatpants, so beautifully plump you couldn’t help but stare.

“Stop, it’s perfect!” you beamed, shifting your gaze back to the tree once it was centered in front of the window.

Lance pushed himself up and you took his hand, pulling him into an embrace. Leaning your head against him, you inhaled his intoxicating scent that combined warm cinnamon and light citrus. Every cell in your body loved Lance Tucker more than the last. You couldn’t believe you had met this amazing man, who was so unlike all the rumors said about him.

Lance was a tough trainer but never mean. He pushed his students to work hard but he could easily see when they needed a break. He was preparing them not only physically but mentally to be able to handle all that comes with competition.

It was after the Olympics Lance’s own reputation became slightly tarnished but he recovered and was thankful above all that you gave him a chance.

You tilted your head towards him and Lance felt the simmer of your passionate gaze. Your lips found his, soft and sweet, and you felt him smile against you.

“Sweetheart, we can move this to the bedroom if you want…”

His tongue swept across his lips and he raised his brow looking for your answer. You smiled, pecking his lips with yours knowing that as much as you wanted to continue this right now was the only time you had to put up decorations. Work had become increasingly busy and it was rare if you found yourself home on time. It was now or never if you wanted to decorate with Christmas being only a few weeks away.

“How about we decorate this tree and then… hop in the shower together?”

He detached himself from your embrace with comic speed, rushing over to the boxes that held ornaments, garland and all of your other decorations, frantically pulling off the lids in a hurry to get them up.

“Lance!” you whined playfully, “Come on. I don’t want to rush this. This is the first Christmas we’ll be celebrating in our place together and I want everything to be perfect.”

He set down the tangled cord of string lights to lift your chin, “Are you worried about the decorations or that your parents are coming to meet me?”

You sighed, unable to help the smile on your face because Lance knew you too well. You were very nervous about your parents coming for the holidays. They were eager to meet the man that stole your heart and every second leading up to their arrival date has added to your anxiety.

There was nothing to worry about, you knew this. They would easily see how kind and charming Lance is, but still in the back of your mind was this nagging voice that persisted, convincing you that everything had to be perfect. A gorgeously decorated tree, stockings hung just right above the fireplace, tinsel, wreaths and Lance’s favorite, the mistletoe.

Lance could see your mind was running like a hamster on a wheel, and all that spinning was making you even more panicked. Your name fell softly from his lips and you snapped out of your thoughts, finding peace in his calming irises, an ocean blue gaze that lapped like waves against the sand, washing away your worries.

“Everything’s gonna be fine, I promise. You’ve got nothing to worry about.” His lips pressed a kiss softly to your forehead and Lance cupped your cheeks as you stared back at him.

You were trying desperately to believe him, forcing your fears aside. “I know they’ll love you because I love you.” Lance grinned, pressing his lips to yours again. It was a quick kiss because of course your worries couldn’t stay away for too long.

“But I am worried. They’re predicting a bad storm the week my parents are supposed to come, what if their flight gets cancelled?”

“How many times has the weather been wrong before, huh? Just last week they said we’d have a foot of snow and what did we get? Flurries.”

You nodded your head. “You’re right. I’ll try not to worry.”

Your lips pulled into an innocent smirk and Lance chuckled, shrugging his shoulders because you both knew you would still be worrying about this. Not that he minded, because any time you needed reassurance he would be right there to hold you close until all your worries dissipated.  

Lance smiled as his phone lit up with your text message. It had far better news than the previous one that said you’d be late again. He was used to it, every night in the past week you had come home late and exhausted.

Often he had to force you to eat a little something despite you wanting to go straight to bed. Your job was extra stressful in the week leading up to Christmas but soon you’d have time off and he couldn’t wait. Although he was pretty excited by what your message said just now.

You: Hey babe. Finally on my way, hopefully not too much traffic but I can’t wait to see you soon… I have a surprise 😘

It was the kissing emoji on the end that really made him smile. The last time you had a surprise for him he found you wearing very sexy holiday lingerie. He questioned for a moment if this surprise might be along the same lines.

All of these late nights were taking a toll on you; sitting too long at work, eyes straining from staring at a screen, your back aching from poor posture. Before bed Lance would rub your shoulders, knead his thumbs into your sore muscles, kissing the aches away as he worked on the knots that littered your back.

He couldn’t stop thinking about the kissing emoji. Maybe work wasn’t so bad today. Maybe you had extra coffee and were able to move around a lot. Maybe you missed him as much as he missed you, wanting those nightly massages to turn into something more.

A smirk pulls deeply across his face as Lance comes up with an idea. He sets the mood, lighting the fireplace, dimming the lights to a glow as the crackling wood begins to drench the room in warmth. The blinds are closed, the tree is lit and Lance rushes to the bedroom to find the perfect sexy outfit to surprise you when you walk through the door. It doesn’t take long before he picks out the perfect one.

Lance stands in the living room, fingers slipping under the Santa hat he’s wearing to scratch his head. He adjusts the hat again, blowing out a nervous breath as he waits in silence.

“Don’t look at me like that,” he said to Kip who hopped up onto the nearest table, staring curiously at Lance.

Within a few minutes Lance perked up as he heard the key jingling in the lock. He stood up straighter, adjusting his stance; transforming his giddy smile into a seductive smirk, his eyes falling into a half-lidded, lustful gaze.

“Oh Laaance,” you sang from the door, accompanied by a lot of noise. Perhaps the pulling off of boots and removing your coat, he thought. “Guess who’s– oh my god!”

Your jaw fell open at Lance, standing stark naked in the living room, only wearing a Santa hat with his modesty covered by a stocking. No, worse, it was inside of the stocking. On any other day you this would be a welcome surprise, but not today not as your…

“Don’t look!” you screamed, remembering your parents that were right behind you but it was too late.

You watched as your father spun his head around so quickly he might have given himself whiplash. Your head was buried in your hands as you felt waves of embarrassment wash over you. This was a complete nightmare, one you wished you could wake up from. You regretted not telling Lance about your surprise, that your parents decided to fly in early because the storm that was predicted was definitely happening.

Lifting your head you saw your mother continue to gawk at Lance who had become nearly as red as the stocking he held. His mouth fell open but no words came out; he’s not sure what he would have said any way, not when he wished the floor would open and swallow him up.  

“Mom stop!” You raised your hand to block her view but she was determined to get a good look at the man you were dating. “Lance would you put some clothes on!”

He was snapped out of his frozen state, holding the stocking extra carefully as he shimmied backwards. Lance was too embarrassed and preoccupied to realize Kip had left his previous spot on the table and was trying to weave himself through Lance’s legs.

The unexpected fur against his ankles made Lance gasp and stumble wildly as he tried not to step on Kip, nearly dropping the stocking as he found his footing. Your mother watched the whole thing, getting a perfect view of Lance’s bare backside, his buns jiggling as he was finally able to run into the bedroom to put on clothes.

“Well, Merry Christmas to me,” she smirked, fanning herself with her hand as she moved towards your father, as you hoped for a true Christmas miracle, that their memories could be wiped.

[hanadolphieron]

WE HIT 200 EVERYBODY!!!!

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR 200 FOLLOWERS!!! I LOVE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!!!!!

and you guys know what i promised whenever i reached this milestone...

MY EIGHTH GRADE STORY ABOUT A MONGOOSE!

it’s not 2.6k words what are you talking about

@sarahbkwl i know you’ll love this and @kaepopsicle i think you will too <3

The Demonic Mongoose of the Wild West

Bert the Bird, the demonic mongoose of the Wild West, roamed through the underbrush, searching for ants to eat. A tumbleweed ran across the bland terrain, hit Bert up the side of the head, and sent him flying. After a few long seconds, Bert slapped the ground with a resounding squeal. A big thwack echoed across the desert. A frog ribbeted. Bert sneezed.  

Unfazed, Bert continued his search for ants. He sniffled and snuffled along the ground, dancing to a nonexistent tune. His overly small paws bounced in rhythm, doing kicks so high they would give the Rockettes a run for their money. A few stumbles added variety to the dance. Completely calculated, I assure you.  

After a while, Bert forgot what he was doing and decided to head into town. The ants were spared another day. The saloon was not. Bert the Bird threw his whole body weight into the doors of the tavern, a meager attempt at forcing them open. The doors unsurprisingly didn’t budge, as the demonic mongoose only weighs half a gallon. Luckily, a cowboy-hatted, blue-jeaned, spur-wearing, collared-shirted and dusty faced yeehaw man came strutting through the doors.  

Bert the Bird took his chance and scrambled after the male yeehaw. He stopped, waiting for the perfect time to reveal his identity. Everyone in the saloon was peacefully (except for the two hoodlums brawling in the corner) engulfing liquid bread.  

Letting out an astounding yowl, Bert the Bird silenced the room. Heads turned, watching as Bert stood there, threatening them with his not-so-mere existence.

“Is it really him?”

“Don’t shoot- I got two kids!”

“Big Ol’ Bert Bird!”

“It’s the demonic mongoose!”

Whispers, gasps, yells, and one nervous bark filled the room. The mongoose smirked to himself.

Bert mobilized. Moving south, the mongoose headed towards the snake in the corner. His reptilian lawyer, who was currently playing cards with a yeehaw female, hissed in greeting.  

Bert squeaked out a snarl. The room gasped as he continued advancing towards the vertebrate.  

“Where are your federal income taxes, Bert?” the snake wheezed (she’s old.)

“Don’t have job,” Bert replies, edging closer.

“Oh yes you do, you’re tasked with eliminating my kin, aren’t you?”

“Huh.”  

Desktop App (the snake) sighs. Bert remains confused at the word choice beyond his vocabulary (he barely managed to graduate Childhood.)

“You,” she motioned to Bert, “Fight,” she imitated punching using her tail, “Snake,” she slithers.

“No.”

“Bert, fighting snakes is your entire livelihood, you can’t deny it.”

“No!” yells Bert, as he jumps in for the kill, attacking Desktop App’s neck. He misses and consumes a mouthful of table leg.

Desktop App lunges for Bert but doesn’t manage to take a chunk out of his arm as intended.  

Instead, she falls to the floor as Bert stumbles out of the way on accident after his head h                                                                                 hit the table and he careened into the floorboards, away from Desktop App.

Hissing, the reptile flops back around to face the mongoose, but Bert is already gone. He has seemingly vanished, but if you had looked closer, you would have seen a small, fluffy tail disappearing around the corner.  

Panting, Bert bounds across the rough terrain. His stubby legs aren’t used to moving at such accelerated speeds, and collapse after a few minutes. However, he’s far enough away from the town that he can’t see the outline of it. Belly heaving on the floor, limbs splayed out around him, head resting on the ground- Bert takes a cat nap.

He wakes up three hours later. Squeaking and jumping up, Bert continues to run. He has no idea what he’s doing or what he’s escaping, but he vaguely remembers that something dangerous was about to happen. To let loose his panic, the poor mongoose screams repetitively.

The surrounding life forms are irritated by such disturbance and one decides to stop him.  

Eduardo, The Valiant Frog of the Wild West, stands in front of Bert as the mongoose propels towards him. Bert shows no sign of stopping, because when he sees an obstacle, he gets scared, and his first reaction is to run, which involves speeding towards the obstacle at Mongoose Mach I.

However, Eduardo stands his ground. Suddenly, Bert stops, sniffing the air. Frog. Leaning closer, he gets close to Eduardo. “Frog,” he says.

Eduardo stares. “Is that all you have to say, young mammal?”

Bert The Bird says nothing.

“I have heard you are seeking sanctuary from the snakes. You will find none until you banish them all from these lands. Otherwise, they will always be lurking, slithering under your feet, watching you.”

Bert hiccups, and lets out another scream. He clumsily poises to run again, but Eduardo yells out, “Stop!”

Bert does exactly that and lays down on the ground. Eduardo shakes his head. “This is hopeless,” he mutters.  

“Go north,” Eduardo says slowly.

“Who?” Bert asks.

“North is not a life form, it’s the direction you are facing right now,” Eduardo points his walking stick to help Bert understand, “The snakes’ base is there. It’s hard to miss. Go find it and save us all!”

Bert squawks and starts bouncing north like a kangaroo. Shaking his head, Eduardo retreats to his spot under the sand.

After a while, Bert sees a structure like a laboratory, and stops. Settling down near the side of it, the mongoose burrows into the sand. It’s nice and shady next to the metal wall with a snake drawn on it, and it’s even out of the sun! A perfect place to spend the night. He curls up, wraps his tail around his small body, closes his eyes, and drifts off to sleep.

He awakens fifteen hours later, yawns, and stretches, gripping the ground with his claws. But, instead of the ground, he feels something slimy and scaly. Too frightened to utter a sound, Bert the Bird lets go of the thing, then grabs it again. This time, he adds more force and crushes it. It makes no noise. Bert sniffs it. Danger.

Bert slowly hightails it around the corner. He finds himself inside the structure. He sniffs again. The air tastes different. Spicier. Cautiously, he pads forward, tiny paws making no sound.  

Hearing voices, he crouches low to the ground to camouflage himself. He doesn’t realize that the building is white-painted metal, and he is a furry brown mongoose. Bert slinks closer to the sound, not stopping. He wants to see who’s speaking.  

Suddenly, the floor drops out from under him. Bert meows loudly, scared out of his mind. He plummets five feet, and lands in some dirt. The air is knocked out of his lungs, and Bert sits on his buttocks like a human, wheezing. Shaking his head like a wet dog, Bert stands up and observes his surroundings. He’s in a dark room with no light. So, he’s unable to see anything.

Snorting, Bert decides to use his other four senses to get a feel of where he is. Bert’s never been this resourceful before.

He pats around at the dirt under him and slowly moves forward. He immediately hits a wall. Snorting again in contempt, he turns around and is met with another obstacle. Snorting even louder, Bert jumps five feet in the air in dissatisfaction and blasts straight through the roof of the dark hole.  

The surprise of his heroic and super-mongoose actions scares him, and Bert jumps again. However, this time he doesn’t snort. Mobilizing again, he trots down the hallway. The voices have stopped, but Bert hasn’t.  

A crossroads appears in front of him. He keeps moving and hits the middle dividing wall face first. Startled, he blinks twice in a row. Turning around almost completely, he takes the left path. He sees a door on his right as he moves down the path, and Bert turns quickly to enter the room.  

Four snakes stare at him. Bert recoils, barking at them. They seem unaffected by his terrifying show of terror and hiss at him, “Why are you here, mongoose?”

“Who?”

The snakes sigh.

“Where are your federal income taxes?” they inquire, just as Desktop App had. Bert doesn’t answer. “Bert, you have been in debt to us for years. Each time you fight us, we lose purposely so someday you will have to pay us back for all the victory we have given you.”

“I disagree.”

And with that, Bert runs away, hooning down the hall and bursting out the door. He feels different. His head feels heavier, less empty, like something’s in there. Brain cells, he thinks to himself! He’s finally found some! The chemicals in the snakes’ lair must have given him some.

The ground disappears under his paws as he runs ferociously towards town. He must inform them of the nonconsensual agreement between him and the snakes regarding debt. He doesn’t understand what federal income taxes have to do with it, so he decides to disregard those for now.

The low skyline appears on the horizon, but Bert has no energy left. Slowly, the mongoose begins to decrease speed until he drags himself to a stop. Being awake for three hours is too much for a mongoose. Bert falls asleep a mile out of town.

The next morning, Bert wakes up and sneezes forty-seven times. Immediately, despite the sleep in his eyes and mussed-up hair, the valiant mongoose bounds towards town, making it there within the span of ten minutes.

The people are hiding in their houses, frightened of poor, misunderstood Bert. He meows pathetically. Suddenly, his voice acts without him thinking about it, like he’s saying a prophecy. He says, “Humans! My name is Bert the Bird, The Demonic Mongoose of the Wild West! But I do not claim that title! I am just Bert!”  

He pauses, waiting for an answer. Silence.

Bert continues, “I need your help. The snakes have tricked me. My past lack of brain cells made me victim to a devious scheme- each time I fought a snake, the reptile would lose purposely, consequently indebting me to them. I never consented to this agreement or trade! I need your help defeating these reptiles, as the ferocious mongoose you know as Bert the Bird is not me, and I am just a mere mammal. I do not seek revenge, just justice.”

Bert the Bird looks around, partly perturbed by his voice acting on its own, and partly to see if there were any takers to his courageous call.  

A door creaked open. Bert looked hopefully towards it and saw a badger.

“BADGER!” He screeched. Perhaps not the wisest call, but it sufficed, as Badger came hurling out the door towards Bert. (in fear.)

However, once he saw the wide, hopeful smile spread across Bert’s face, all fear dissipated. A few other animals slowly left the security of their homes and Bert was soon surrounded by a kingdom of squawking, ribbeting, barking, meowing, mooing, squeaking, and aggressive flapping.

“We will help you!” a turkey said. Cornbread was his name.  

“YEAHHHHHHH!” came an overly loud yell from a rare blue land shrimp. (Her entire body consists of a voice box supposedly; Bert had heard stories.)

Resounding expressions of agreement echoed throughout the square. “I am unendingly grateful for your assistance. Do we have any weaponry in this town?”

“Cabbage catapults,” growled an ostrich named Oallllyieee (exact spelling.) Bert could barely hear the baritone bird.  

“Pitchforks!” squeaks a rare yellow land whale. (This is the Wild West we have some interesting species.)

No one else reported any items, so Bert assumed that cabbage catapults and pitchforks were the extent of their defense system.  

“Let us prepare! Up and at ‘em!” Bert inspired, moving to go follow the animals as everyone streaked (not that kind of streaked) towards the barn located on the outskirts of Editing Reference File, the town.  

Everyone grabbed pitchforks, except for the bears and tigers (and the cacophonous rare blue land shrimp) who prepared the cabbage catapults.  

Lining up along the northern edge, all the animals positioned their attention on the outline of the snake structure at the top of the hill and waited.  

Not for long though, as a thunderous kerplonking and whooshing resounds from the hill. Hundreds of slithering noodles rampage towards the rest of the Wild West’s animal kingdom, slapping their tails against the sand in an uncoordinated fashion. These reptiles don’t stand a chance.

“Catapults at the ready!” roars Bert. The tigers’ claws fortunately abstain from becoming stuck in the voluminous leaves of the green vegetable. One of the bears, however, is not so lucky and now has large, round, leafy hands. He uses this to his advantage and begins to beat up some slimy thugs.  

“Fire!” Bert triumphantly yells once the snakes are in range. The cabbages hit the snakes dead-on, and an estimated sixty-three of them remain motionless. Not dead, just unconscious, as cabbages are not deadly projectiles no matter how hard you shoot them.

The snakes keep heading for the opposing army, and Bert screams, “Charge!”

Shrimps, buffalos, common loons, rhinos, tamarins, cows, and more trample two-hundred-sixty-four reptilian noodles. The head snako calls for a retreat. Bert’s militia hesitates, letting them fall back and re-group. Bert’s army is considerate, unlike the scaly, legless bodies.  

Instead of asking for a surrender, the snakes turn around, screeching, and attack again. Bert charges at them. The chemicals in the snakes’ lair had not only given him knowledge, but also some speed.  

Using his stout legs, Bert kicks those floppy worms out of the park! None of the snakes get even close to hurting Bert, he is just too fast. Cheering erupts from the Southern side. The North deflates and retreats again.

This time, only one fishy noodle comes back. He is wearing a lop-sided top hat and looks like a prestigious pirate.  

Heaving, he goes up to Bert. Bert quirks up a hairy eyebrow.  

“We surrender,” the sophisticated mustache-having snake breathes.

“I accept,” Bert responds, “But you must promise to leave the South alone. Stay back in the North with your failure of a capitalist economy.”

Johnny Smith, the snako, snarls but retreats, saying, “To the North!” His army dejectedly follows, slithering slowly. A cloud of dust appears and hides their retreat. Bert watches to make sure it was not a mask to hide a second attack. It was not. The sand settled, showing the snake structure’s door opening to let all the reptiles in.  

The Southern crowd cheers. No one is hurt and all is well! Bert is named Bert The Bird the Speedy and Slick and is unanimously proclaimed sheriff of Editing Reference File. He is now free to live his life as he chooses, saving the world and making uplifting speeches to his fellow citizens.  

Sometimes he struggles to feel satisfied with all the stress on his shoulders and misses his easy life back on the plains. He goes back sometimes and reminisces about the times where his head was empty, and a brain did not disrupt his inner peace.

But he remains in Editing Reference File as a hero (who can pay his federal income taxes.)

*The directions have nothing to do with the Civil War, my brother is paranoid and is making me put this here.

[jeonsduck]

Smoke and Mirrors Pt 3

warnings: san says fuck

summary: *bad day by daniel powter plays* 

“Mrow.”

You groaned, cracking your eyes open. Your cat was squatting on your chest, meowing in your ear to wake you up.

“Ugh, Noodles, my alarm hasn’t even gone off, leave me alone.” you whine, trying to push your cat away. 

But he’s persistent, not letting you go back to sleep. He prods at your face with his paw and continues to yowl until you decide to get up. You huff and kick your legs before sitting up and throwing your covers off.

“Fine! Fine! I’m up! I’ll feed you, you monster!” you gripe, and as you get up from bed you catch sight of the little clock on your bedside table. 9:15 AM. Fuck. You’re over an hour late for work already. You hadn’t bothered to set your alarm when you got in from being interrogated last night, and you’d overslept.

The panic you feel is palpable as you turn your phone over and see it’s dead. Your supervisor is going to kill you.

You rush through getting ready at lightning speed and manage to get out the door in twenty-five minutes. You put your phone on charge in the car, and you speed to work as quickly as you dare, getting a ticket would only make you later than you already were. When your phone restarted, it began buzzing with a flurry of text messages and calls, angry from your supervisor, and worried from Jacob. Oh, you’re so dead.

You manage to rush into the office before half past ten, huffing a sigh of almost relief as you set your things down at your desk. Jacob shot you a worried look at your frazzled state and your supervisor was standing in the door of her office. 

“Y/N, let’s have a little chat?” she called, disappearing into her office.

You sighed and Jacob winced for you. You straightened your hair and outfit and said a little prayer before walking into the office, closing the door behind you.

“So, had an emergency this morning, did you?” she asked, sipping a cup of coffee.

“No, ma’am, I didn’t set my alarm the night before and I overslept…. I was up very late with FBI being cross-examined-” you began to explain and she slammed the mug down on her desk.

“So, it’s Agent Heejin’s fault you were two hours late for work this morning?” she asked.

You shook your head quickly.

“No, that’s my responsibility.” You responded and she nodded.

“Yes it is. It was also your responsibility to record yesterday’s meeting with Mr. Choi, but you failed to do that too. Which is why I’ve had administration shouting me down since this morning about the incompetence of my employees.” she seethes. 

“Coming in a few minutes late? It’s fine. Messing up a couple of details on a case? No big deal. But this is two hours late, while you’re working one of the most important cases this office has ever seen. You look like an incompetent fool. Not to mention letting Mr. Choi pay for your lunch.” she said, matter-of-factly.

“What’s wrong with letting San buy me lunch?” you asked.

“Letting ‘San’ buy you lunch is wrong because if his clients are found guilty, that could be seen as a bribe, and then we’ll be investigated as well. You thought last night with the FBI was rough? I hope you enjoy sleep deprivation. And I trust I don’t have to remind you to refer to your contact as Mr. Choi?” she was obviously more furious that you had asked that question. 

Maybe you should have just waited and asked Jacob.

“Sadly for me, fourtunately for you, the higher-ups still want you on this case, but if it were up to me, I wouldn’t just pull up from this job, I’d fire you on the spot. As it is, I’ll dock your pay for half a day and you’ll lose some paid leave as well. And maybe if you stay on your best behavior for the remainder of this job, I might not terminate you once you’re done.” 

She shooed you away after that, letting you know that San was trying to contact you about the files you’d asked for the day before. You went back to your desk, where you started going over your notes of San’s clients to distract yourself. You had messed up, and yes, you deserved to be disciplined. You weren’t even that hurt about it. 

Regardless, your notes ended up with a spattering of angry teardrops on the pages of your notes. God, what were you crying for? Jacob offered you his tissue box and a sad look.

“Shut up, Jacob, I’m not in the mood.” you griped and he held his hands up in surrender.

Ugh, you hadn’t meant to snap at him too. Maybe if you hadn’t showed up for work two hours late, you could have gone and hid in the bathroom until you felt better. Sadly, you had to stick it out in your cubicle while your coworkers walked around like the office floor was a minefield. When your phone rang suddenly, you jumped at the noise and sniffled, quickly answering it.

“Hello, this is Y/N.”

“Y/N! Hey, it’s San!” San said, sounding way more cheerful than you felt he had the right to be. 

“Oh, hello Mr. Choi.” you greeted, remembering to talk more formally.

“Y/N, we went over this yesterday at lunch. Please, call me San, Mr. Choi is my father.” he sighed.

“My supervisor has reminded me its unprofessional to call you by your first name while I’m working your case.” you replied. 

Thank God her office door was closed.

“Well, your supervisor can get fucked. Call me, San.” he said, and you barely held in your snort.

“Fine, San. You got my files?” you asked. 

“Yes, I do! A whole box of them. The electronic ones are all on a USB, but you wanted original documents and well, as you know, my clients have no small amount of assets.” He said.

“Oh, I’m quite aware. I can come by and pick them up-”

“Oh no need for that! I was already leaving the office today so we’ll swing by your place and drop them off. You wouldn’t happen to be free for a late lunch today would you?” San asked.

You sighed. Lunch with San sounded kind of nice. Way better than the lunch break your were expecting to have today.

“Sorry. My supervisor has also alerted me that you buying me lunch qualifies as a bribe.” you rejected.

“Seriously? Why’s your boss such a buzzkill?” San sounded reasonably upset.

“Anyway, I’m almost there, so come on down, I’ll see you in a minute.” he said and hung up.

You made your way over to the elevators, too caught up in your own head to realize that San had called you on your cell phone, not your work line. You didn’t remember giving him the number, but you suppose you could have done it and forgotten about it. Your supervisor would probably blow her top if she found out. 

You also couldn’t recall telling San the address of your office, or that you worked on an upper floor, but he could have found that from Google. Maybe. Or maybe you mentioned that at lunch or in a phone call or in an email. You were too stressed out to really care, you probably just forgot a few details of your conversations. “Y/N, over here.” 

You looked over to where San was standing, a printer paper box in his arms and a hard shell backpack on his back. He was dressed less wildly than he had been the day before, but his shirt was still purple and leopard print, as were his pants, but they were grey in color. He set the box down when he saw you, taking in your red eyes and slightly dishevelled appearance.

“Are you okay? You look upset.” he asks.

“S’nothing. I overslept and ended up being super late for work and I was supposed to record the meeting we had yesterday, and my boss ,like, just got done ripping me a new one.” you said with a shrug.

“Did you cry?” he asked.

You flushed, hands coming up to cover your face.

“Is it that obvious?” 

“No, but if you overslept your eyes wouldn’t be that red unless you cried.” he said.

“Yeah well, its whatever. Thanks for dropping these off.” you said, reaching for the box.

“Wait!” San said, handing the box back to one of his guards.

He walked over to a bench and sat down, beckoning you over. He carefully slid his backpack off and into his lap. The backpack had a bubble window and inside you could see a Siamese cat looking out.

“This is Byul. We’re going to the vet for a check up.” he says, unzipping the backpack and taking the cat out. 

In the middle of the lobby of your place of work. But Byul meows cutely, obviously confused because this is NOT her home, but it’s also not the vet. San hands her to you and you cradle her in your arms for a second, letting some of your stress melt away. 

“Take a break. Pet the cat. You can go back up there and tackle that box of paperwork after you’ve destressed for a second, yeah?” he says, patting Byul on the head.

She meows, but in a good way.

“She’s so sweet.” You commented as San watched you pet his cat. 

You sat on the bench until it looked like Byul was getting a bit too comfortable. San put her back in the backpack, which was met with some protests.

“My guys went ahead and took the box upstairs. If you need anything else, just call me. Good luck.” he said, heading out the door. 

“Oh, and by the way, your boss sucks.” he added. 

You watched as one of the guards opened the car door for him, standing in the lobby until they drove away. Then you took a deep breath and headed back upstairs. 

Two hours into the financial records of Kim Hongjoong and you felt like you were going to tear your hair out. You could see why he looked so suspicious. He owned 51% of growing fashion houses, meaning he effectively owned the entire business. But as soon as the brand started to get some recognition and traction he jumped ship and sold all his stocks. Which often times meant he profited from the growth and bailed before taxes were due to be paid, taking huge profits and leaving other investors to handle any hits the brand might take. Not to mention his investments were routed through an investment firm that he also owned and it’s clothing company subsidiary. Basically, it was just shell company after shell company. That wasn’t all. He had money squirreled away in the Cayman Islands and Swiss bank accounts. He had tax exemptions donations, farming, industry. He even claimed Jongho as a dependent! Hongjoong had utilized tax loopholes to the full extent of the law. And while everything you’d reviewed so far was legal, it was highly suspicious. It was interesting how criminals and the bourgeoisie utilized the same methods to protect their empires. 

And even with the documents you’d asked San for, there were still holes. Not just for hundreds or thousands, but millions of dollars. You couldn’t even move on to the others until you could paint a full picture of how Honjoong’s money moved. 

Ugh, even thinking about the other six made your head ache. Their assets were so intertwined with each other, you felt like you were watching yourself walk around in circles.  

When you finished for the day, you felt no closer to understanding the big picture than when you started. You shot San an email about some more information on Hongjoong and left the office.

The next morning, your supervisor didn’t show up for work. Not good for you, because San was asking you over to his offices instead of having the both of you running back and forth across town to exchange notes.

“Just let your FBI contact know and go. If she comes in I’ll tell her I told you to go.” Jacob said, nudging you towards the door.

Heejin didn’t ask you to record, but she did ask you to report anything that seemed suspicious, and she’d follow up with you every other day with questions. It sounded like a plan to you. You gathered your thick binder of notes and your box of files and headed over to San’s offices.

The place was… different than you had expected. You had been looking for a sleek and modern corporate building, but San’s office was in a commercial suite. He didn’t run a firm, he was the sole accountant for all of his clients. That was insane.

  His secretary sat in the front room, a woman with short blue hair and an intricate tattoo winding up her arm.

“Are you Y/N?” she asked.

“Yes, you’re Jasmine?” you confirmed, but she shook her head.

“No, I’m Keran. Jasmine got transferred last week.” she said. 

Before you could ask what transferred meant, San came out the back door, Byul weaving between his feet. He brought his cat to work?

“Y/N! Great you’re here. We don’t have a lot of space here, but I had the guys set you up a desk in the file room, so everything is there is you need any forms or anything. But if you get too claustrophobic in there, we can move you to the breakroom or something.

“Oh, I be fine in the file room. Thanks again for letting me set up here.” you said as San lead you down a narrow hallway.

“Oh don’t mention it! The bathroom is the second door on the left and feel free to call if you need anything, or Byul won’t move off of your laptop.” he said with a smile.

At the sound of her name, Byul meowed. You and San both chuckled and you leaned down to scratch her on the head. She headbutted your leg and San happily watched you play with his cat.

Working in the file room was way easier. If you were missing a form you could get it yourself, San was extremely organized. He was also nice enough to bring you coffee from time to time. Really, he was such an angel.

The next day your boss wasn’t back, and after checking in with Heejin and Jacob you went back to San’s to continue working. And she still wasn’t back the day after that. On the fourth day her family reported here missing. After her leave ran out, the administration appointed a new supervisor for your department. He confirmed you to work from San’s offices for the duration of the case, meaning you didn’t have to check in at the office everyday before heading over to his building. 

You never did see that first supervisor again. No one did. You wondered what had happened to her, and you still didn’t know, even now. But something told you you didn’t want to know where she was.

[naferty]

MM&M. How overboard did Tony go on the triplets' first Christmas? I can imagine them all sitting in they're little onesies and Bumbo seats surrounded by literally mountains of presents. Tony has an honest to God, handheld video camera and gushing over the babies while Rhodey is in the background like "they can't even open them and they think watching Happy jingle car keys is the height of entertainment. How did you manage to even find this much stuff for them?"

Tony goes so overboard it’s a miracle he doesn’t just buy every toy store on the planet. Rhodey helps reel in him and keep him level-headed, but it’s really Pepper and Jarvis that prevent him from making outlandish and spontaneous purchases. Pepper monitors Tony’s cards via Jarvis and Jarvis is always quick to let her know when Sir is considering purchasing a real sports car “For the future, Jarvis! They’ll grow up and love racing if I have anything to say about it.”

Pepper calls Tony in an instant to talk him out of whatever he’s thinking of.

“Tony, they’re babies. They can’t walk yet, let alone drive.”

“But they’ll get big and they’ll be reciting the measurement of power in an engine from memory before I know it.”

“Then you’ll sign them up from driving classes and when they get their licenses then you’ll consider getting them a reasonable car and not a speeding death trap.”

“…you are absolutely right, Pep. They need to learn to drive a sedan before they get their hands on anything that goes over sixty miles per hour.”

“Not what I meant, but close enough. How are they doing?”

“Eating me out of house and home.”

“Good thing you’re a billionaire then.”

“That and these buddies of mine on my chest can feed these bottomless pits no problem so far.”

“I didn’t need to know that, Tony.”

So no cars for the baby trio, but Tony improvises. What’s better than fast and loud sports cars? The child-safe, tiny, non-sharp versions that’s what. At a highly recommended toy store, Tony buys three of those wide wagon looking things and might or might give them an upgrade in his spare time (if he finds any), but no one needs to know that. Then he makes the mistake to turn to that one aisle that seemed to have absolutely everything he thinks his kids would enjoy and he loses all control. Not even Jarvis is able to stop him.

He buys dolls and action figures. Male, female, unspecified, doesn’t matter he gets them all. He gets doll cats and dogs and robotic ones that meow and bark to touch. He gets little dinosaur figures and toy houses and toy kitchens and adds in a purple toy scooter and a red toy motorbike because why not? Pulleys, basketball sets, mini toy golf courses, and a tiny trampoline. Puzzles and blocks and almost the entire nerf collection, including the nerf bow and arrow.

Somehow he ends up in the isle of stuffed animals and the drama queen that he is he walks into the aisle with opened arms and embraces the fluff and fur of manufactured animals.

Tony has to get a delivery truck in order to bring all the toys back to his villa. Somehow he manages to juggle three infants in his arms while ordering where to place the wrapped toys, organizing by size and color to bring out the beautiful green, red, blue and gold in the room.

“You see those?” He says to the trio, who are staring curiously at all the bright colors everywhere. “They’re all for you.”

Not really understanding but seeing something entertaining somewhere Harley and Peter begin to wiggle their arms excitedly while Riri’s eyes start to droop and soon enough she’s fast asleep in her mama’s arms.

“Yeah, it’s been a day. I think you’re onto something. Time to sleep?”

Harley and Peter blink before they begin to baby talk to each other. Tony huffs. “Already keeping me out? I thought I had until your teenage years for your rebellion to start.”

Putting those two to sleep is always a battle, but Tony doesn’t mind it one bit. Not when he got to watch them snuggle in their blankets and coo when they made small snuffling noises. He took this opportunity to nap on the small couch in the room and get as much sleep as he could before the little rugrats woke up for food.

On the big day, Tony wakes up bright and early. Not because he wants to get the place going and the holiday spirits up, but because Peter woke up hungry and decided Tony’s slept enough and needed feeding already. Naturally, what one sibling did the others were close behind. Harley and Riri stirred awake by their brother’s cries and together they made sure to let Tony know he’s not going to bed anytime soon.

Once their bellies are full and they’ve calmed down Tony starts getting everything together. He puts on holiday music, gets Jarvis to stream all the classic holiday movies as background noise, puts the baby trio in ugly holiday onesies and can’t resist wearing an ugly sweater himself. They’re all wearing santa hats and the smell of cinnamon fills the room. The firepit is bright and alive with the opening safely closed. A soft orange illuminates the whole place.

This is the sight Rhodey walks into. The baby trio cooing on their seats and Tony dancing around them as he sings Mariah Carey’s ‘All I want.’ The trio is swinging back and forth with his horrible rhythm, smiling through their pacifiers. Without Tony’s notice, Rhodey snaps a picture and secretly signs to Jarvis to record it all.

“You started the party without me,” he says when Tony finishes the last note.

“Honey bear!” Tony hugs him hello. “You’re here.” A little shocking since Rhodey has Carol and the rest of the team to celebrate the morning of the day with. Tony honestly didn’t expect him to show up so early. Maybe a quick visit later in the day, but not right then and there.

“Wouldn’t miss it.”

“What about Carol and the others? They’re probably getting breakfast together right now. You didn’t join them?”

“And miss breakfast with you and the rugrats? Never.” Rhodey gives him another hug as if to prove a point (and soothe insecurity). “How are my rugrats anyway?” The baby trio blink at him with their Avengers binkies on full display. Rhodey quirks an eye when he sees their ugly onesies. “I feel overdressed now.” His polo and jeans clashing horribly.

“Don’t you worry. I have one especially for you. We’re going to match and we’re going to take all the pictures, eat every cookie we see until we can’t move and watch cheesy Christmas movies.”

“Ah yes. The true holiday spirit. Can’t wait.”

Tony lifted his arms up in excitement. “Then presents!”

“There we are. Was waiting for that one.”

Tony practically drags Rhodey forward, getting him to help set the table and bake the treats and get the eggnog ready because you can never go wrong with a little eggnog. He eventually squeezes Rhodey into the ugly sweater he personally picked out for him. One that had Iron Man and War Machine with Santa hats, red noses and bags full of presents, flying through the air.

“How did you even manage to find one?” Rhodey says as he stretches the bottom out to see the figures. He’s very impressed with it.

“I have my ways.” Tony refuses to tell him he called it in as a special order months ago in advanced. He doesn’t need to know that part.

“The only thing you have is horrible taste in colors, but I’ll let this go for now. Come on. I hear my favorite movie playing and I am not going to miss another moment of Keira Knightley.” Rhodey snags Riri in his arms and makes his way to the large living room where his steps trail off when he sees the sight of a large tree struggling to keep presents under it and the glaring reflections of the wrappings surrounding almost every corner of the room.

“How… where did you even find all this stuff?” He says as he eyes the giant stuffed cat that’s about half the height of the ceiling.  

Tony tilts his head back to avoid Harley smacking the side of his face in curiosity. He can feel Peter kicking around without coordination, finding the action entertaining. “I ordered some online, but most I got from the store. You’d be surprised what you find when you dig in through stuff.”

“Why did you buy so much? They don’t even know what half of this is, or even know how to use it.”

Tony shrugs, not really finding an answer, and getting a little insecure about it. “I just… did. I thought they’d love it”

“They will,” Rhodey says with assurance, “when they get a little older. They will love it all, but right now, how about we settle with them playing with blocks and watching movies together?”

Tony gives a soft smile. “I can settle with that.”

[pern-dragon]

The story of our cross country 3 day drive to move to MN from NV

So, it was a bear getting everything packed up and loaded and cleaning at least somewhat. We still have no further offers on the house after the other one fell through due to buyer financing.

We left at 9:20 am Vegas time on that Wednesday 5-22, and I drove the Kia Soul with the 3 cats the whole day, while Brad and Bill traded off driving the 26' Penske truck towing my car on a car carrier. The first day was pretty okay.

I gave Godzilla the sedative medication that morning, and within the first hour of driving, he stress pooped in the disposable litter tray, which was not a fun smell. He had started off meowing, but then stopped soon after, and Binx ended up being the one who was screaming non-stop. I had us pull over to check on them about an hour in because I got scared that I had drugged Zilla and he had died, and the poop was him voiding his bowels in death, and that's why Binx was screaming so much, because he was sharing a carrier with a dead companion! Fortunately, that was not the case, and Zilla was just stoned. We cleaned him and the litter tray up as best we could, and then got back on the road.

Less than an hour later AGAIN, we stopped and I gave Binx about 60% of the dose of med that was the prescribed dose, since Zilla had already had his for a couple hours. I just needed him to calm down and be quiet. Well, not long after we got on the road again, I hear Binx scratching at the nylon carrier. I thought he was messing up the zipper.

Later, I got scared when BINX SUDDENLY POPPED UP BETWEEN THE FRONT CAR SEATS, UNDER MY ELBOW, LIKE AN ALIEN FACEHUGGER! When we stopped next, we tried to put him back in, but he had ripped a hole BESIDE the zipper, so we tried to tape it up, and it didn't work.

Later that day, we were heading into the mountains, and I had a STONED BINX WANDERING THROUGH MY CAR. During this: https://twitter.com/BradThomte/status/1131340948334505984

I spent the trip following behind the truck, so I could keep an eye on everything, and so I could run block for any lane changes we needed. Thank goodness we got the walkie talkies--they were the best damn purchase for that whole trip!

Eventually, Binx determined he could just lie down on the remaining half of the passenger seat that was not covered by a cooler or on the cat food bin in the floorboard of the back passenger seat. He would doze off, but any time we changed speed to stop or things got hairy with going up and down mountains, he would perk up and start wandering again. Like, DUDE, sit the fuck DOWN while I'm trying to drive in precarious ways! I need BOTH hands for this, not fending you off with one!

The first night motel guy ended up saying they wouldn't accept cats, WHEN I HAD SPECIFICALLY SEARCHED FOR THAT WHEN I BOOKED THE ROOMS THROUGH HOTELS.COM! Eventually he capitulated and said only 2 cats in one room, which is what we said we had anyway (since Buttons is in her own carrier and doesn't make noise anwyay), so we got everyone in for the night.

Day 2 was awful. On the first stop to potty and gas up, not very long into the day, in Colorado, the gas station was narrow and there wasn't much room to maneuver in the parking lot, so when they pulled through after getting gas, there was a car that wasn't pulled far enough into its spot, and it looked like the trailer was going to hit it, so they tried to back up, but the wheel well of the trailer then scratched into the plastic of the bumper. The guy was in the back of the convenience store, since he worked for the chain, and was able to come out and move forward enough to get out of the way, but by that time, they had unhitched the trailer in an attempt to move it on its own, and the guy called to make a police report for the car accident, and then when we tried to get the trailer hitched back up, the ball got caught up, and the jack stripped, so then we had to call for roadside assistance to get an industrial strength jack to get the trailer hooked back up. That took about 2 hours, with the cats just hanging in the car.

Eventually we got back on the road. Then somewhere between mile marker 133 and 134, THE JACK FELL OFF THE TRAILER. I watched it bounce off into the median. Thank the powers that be that it didn't hit my car, or me driving the Soul, or any other vehicle!

That day was awful even more because we were up and down in the mountains, and we went through at least 4 separate snowstorms doing it. At one point we were over 10,000 miles in elevation, and the temperature was 30 degrees at the lowest I saw on the car dash. There were points at which the truck wouldn't go faster than 30 mph uphill, and we rode with our hazards on almost the whole time. O.o It got to be unnerving to see semis rushing up behind me UPHILL. And then we rode the brakes downhill since having that much weight get runaway would be very bad.

It was after dark by the time we got to the destination, and at that time, I was riding passenger with Bill driving the truck, and Brad was driving the Soul with the cats so I could have a break. We got off the highway, and turned the wrong direction, so the google map showed a way for us to turn down roads to circle back and go the other direction. Well, it was raining AGAIN by that time, and the side roads were nothing but mud. At one point, the trailer just started fishtailing and pulling the truck sideways, and it's only by Bill's skill at compensating for that that we didn't end up in the ditch. We got back out the the road, but we couldn't see Brad's lights anymore. Turns out he had gotten stuck! So, we said we'd go to the motel and then call for a tow truck to come to him since we couldn't risk those roads again.

It was about 10 pm now. Well, the turn off to get to the motel was not clearly marked, and we turned one entry too early, which took us BACK ONTO THE FUCKING HIGHWAY, and it was 10 miles before there was an exit to be able to turn around. So, while we drove an extra 20 miles for no good reason, Brad fortunately managed to get the Soul unstuck, but got terrified when BINX DECIDED THAT WAS A GOOD TIME TO TRY TO EXPLORE WHILE THE DOOR WAS OPEN AND BRAD WAS ROCKING THE CAR IN THE MUD. Like, seriously, Binx?

Brad got to the motel and we eventually got there, and he was trying to smuggle the cats in through the side door, but the side door kept fragging the doorkey whenever Brad tried to use it, so one of us had to be there to hold the door open for him to get in and then run down the hallway to open the room door to get the cats inside. That night we were sore and frazzled and the next day was the longest stretch of miles, but it wasn't going to be in mountains, so we made sure we got a full night's rest before leaving the next morning.

The 3rd day was almost anticlimactic after the 2nd day's trials and tribulations. We got to the house before dark, and we moved the bed in so we could sleep on it that night.

The next day we unloaded the truck and had Penkse send roadside assist to deal with the trailer since we didn't have a jack anymore, and they just took it with them, so that was nice. Sunday morning my folks came in, and my dad helped us put up celing fans and change out lights, and we got a bunch of stuff for the house. I bought a shit ton of furniture stuff on wayfair.com, and it's been coming in bit by bit. We went to Ikea a couple days ago with Bill and Megan and got a piece to go under where the TV is now hung on the wall: https://twitter.com/BradThomte/status/1134269183108292611. I'm still waiting for the bed to be delivered since THEY FORGOT TO LOAD IT ON THE TRUCK WHEN THEY DELIVERED THE DRESSERS, the daybed for my office (it likely won’t be here til late this month, meanwhile, the mattress for it is still in the box in the office), and the pantry storage cabinet’s replacement parts (the package was bashed up, so several parts were disintegrated on corners or dinged and dented, and about 30% of the hardward was missing!) to arrive. We already got the dining table and 4 chairs, 2 nightstands, and I put together an above the toilet standing shelf for the guest bathroom and a 3 level cubby shelf for by the door to the garage. We’ve finally been able to start to unpack because we just got the dressers, but we still can’t unpack too much becasuse we don’t have desks to put things in, and the bathroom space/ storage is SO MUCH LESS than what we had in Vegas.

So, there's the daunting, sometimes harrowing details of the trip. Since we've been here at the new house, we've seen: bunnies: https://twitter.com/BradThomte/status/1133723281842941952, deer (Brad has since bought feed corn to put out on the stump in our yard she was eating on): https://twitter.com/BradThomte/status/1137142181607723008, beaver, squirrels: https://twitter.com/BradThomte/status/1133355929146150912, cardinals, bluejays, woodpeckers, finches, dove, other tiny birds: https://twitter.com/BradThomte/status/1132802891637493760, a corvid (dunno if it's a crow or a raven), ducks, geese, bat, frog: https://twitter.com/BradThomte/status/1138105379181776896, chipmunk, AND A RACCOON THAT EATS THE BIRDSEED ON OUR DECK: https://twitter.com/BradThomte/status/1133539604949340160. Brad now has to bring in the birdfeeders off the deck at night so the raccoon doesn't destroy it all. He named her Spoons, after our friend Derek: https://twitter.com/BradThomte/status/1133541051917115393 There’s a second, bigger, meaner raccoon that fucks with Spoons, and we chase him off any time he comes up on the deck to stir up trouble. He’s pretty fearless, so we may have to get some pepper spray for him.

[jesterdmc]

The Devil’s adoration, Devil may cry story, Chapter 1

A squeaky sound came from turning on the hot water. The man in there sighed once the warm water hit him, his tense muscles being soothed to the heat. Not long he ran his fingers through his silver white hair with shampoo and began washing.

Steam fogged the shower. Washing off all the week’s filth and smell off his naked body. He scrubbed, washed his body and hair without wasting no time.

He just gotten home an hour ago from a payless and thankless job, covered in so disgusting slime.

After awhile he had to turn it off, followed by the annoying squeak sound.

Hot water dripping off him onto the the floor. His muscles relaxed, a tranquility feeling filled his soul, but that peace was quickly interrupted.

He could hear voices talking down stairs. The man groaned annoyed when he recognized them, so he opened the shower door to grab a towel.

He dried his body off and proceed to dress himself before exiting, to see what was going on.

"Come on Morrison! I must see it before they stop selling the tickets!"  Said a blonde 18 year old girl to the older black man on the couch trying reading the local newspaper.

"Sorry kid, can't help you there. Why don't you ask your mother?" He said lighting another cancer stick. Inhaling it it then back out, like a dragon exhaling smoke from the fire in its belly.

The girl coughed at the smoke backing away, “Why do you use that stuff?” She asked between coughs. Waving her hand at the smoke, trying it get out her face.

"Besides! I can't, she's too busy and don't wanna disturb her. That’s why I'm asking you!" The girl huffed taking a few steps back annoyed. Biting her lip.

"What you two arguing about this early in the morning?" A half naked silver hair man from the shower now wearing red jeans said as he walked in, rubbing his wet head dry with a towel.

He coutied to go his desk and as he sat down just as his phone started to ring, his foot slammed on the desk making the phone come towards to him and catch it.

"Devil may cry." He listened for a moment, then his face turned annoyed. "Sorry, we're on holiday." He throw the phone back making a "geesh!" sound, relaxing back in his chair grabbing a playboy magazine.

" Dante take me to see this!"  The young woman ran over lighting fast, shoving a poster in his face of romantic drama movie.

"Sorry Patty, not interested." He pushed it from his face.

"Then buy me a ticket then!"

"If I had the money I'll be eating pizza right now, how about you start dating a rich guy to take you that kind of stuff. And besides you’re an adult now, can’t you go get yourself a job?"

"You're broke again!? You’re so useless sometimes you know that!"

"That's what you keep telling me" he replied putting the Magazine on his head, hearing the young Patty groan growling loudly at him.

Morrison, the man's liaison had walked over and grabbed the magazine off his head.

"Get up Dante, I got a job for you." The black man said tossing the magazine to the side.

"Oh really...Are you sure it's not the shit kind you give me..." The man replied back bored and less interested.

"I said get up already and get dressed. you have a client waiting to see you, well dressed and eager awaiting to see you. Beside you owe me and get your ass in gear, I paid your water and power now I want you to pay me back."

"Get up you bum and get the money to get the ticket so I can see the movie i want to see!" Patty pushed him yelling, pestering him to go.

He groaned at the both of them, trying to get some shut eye. Only more than eager to take a nap then go anywhere.

"Go already!"

"Alright alright." He replied not very enthusiastic, he grabbed his clothing as he followed Morrison out the shop.

As Dante came outside putting on his clothing, black shirt and red vest while holding his coat.

He heard something as he put them on, he looked down to see a very fluffy black cat yet it had no tail and it had jacked up back legs. It looked at him with big green eyes and meowed again.

He ignored it and walked to Morrison's car while putting on his coat. After lighting his cigarette he started up the car. “This better be good..” grumbled Dante before they were off on the road.

Patty walked out of Devil may cry to see the car drive away with an annoyed face, hands at her hips. She looked away down to the ground when seeing the cat. It meowed as it looked at her with big eyes.

"Hello there little guy, are you lost?" Patty asked and kneeled down to try to met its height, but the kitten started off.

"Hey wait kitty!" Patty yelled trying to follow the feline but lost it in an alley. “Wait! I just wanna-oh where he go?” Patty said to herself looking around for the black cat. She frowned knowing she lost it.  

~

Dante and Morrison enter into very fancy italian restaurant. Fancy decorated with many Italy themed items. The place was pretty empty, it was the early hours before the place scheduled to be opened. Only few workers were around preparing for the day, but Morrison pointed out a man out sitting at a table.

A man with a suit of browns and other dark colors, drinking a fine wine. He had two men in black rain coats and bowler hats, hover next to him as close as possible.

As they tried to approach at the table, the two men in black stopped them.

"Hey now, I'm not into stuff like that." Dante said stopping the two men before them, but before they could say anything the man from the table started laughing. Everyone looked towards him

"Just I heard him to be Morrison, it's alright they're here for me." The man spoke when he stopped laughing, ordering the two men. Before taking another sip of the red liquid.

The two men stood apart, Letting them though like a opened door.

"Dante it's great to see you," the man put his hand for a handshake yet rudely Dante didn't return the gesture. Disappointed, the man frowned but took no mind to it. “My name is Emiel Jones Wilson. I am the one that call you here today.”

Dante didn’t say anything, sitting in silence as he stared at the man.  

“Are you hungry my friend, I have arranged a meal as we discuss business.” Emiel snapped his fingers if showing off his power and a man from inside came over to them.

The gentlemen at the table ordered their meals to the young waiter, who wrote them down right away and not long went back to fulfill the orders. A few moments later in incredible speed, the food was brought out to them.

Not long Dante began eating his pizza as the other men started eating their meals too.  

Once the man was finished, he went straight to business. Picking up his glass again he questioned the legendary demon slayer. "Do you know why you are here Dante?"

"A job I hope." Dante replied leaning back lazily on the leather seats. Taking a few glances around the restaurant and the guards. Looking uninterested about the subject still munching on his pizza.

"Yes of course, but you know why?"

"Nope but I'm guessing you are gonna tell me."

"Recently there been rumors going around about a powerful demon Lord is going to be summoned back from the demon world to the human world. His name is Asura." Morrison filled in with a empty dish before him, patting his mouth with a napkin, stopping to blow some smoke out his mouth from his cigarette.

"This person will be summoning him." Emiel said before tossing some photos on the table.

The pictures were mostly smudged and blurry but they all show the same young woman.

One showed her reading a book on bench in a park also feeding the local birds. The second showed her walking out a shop holding a small shopping bag and the next showed her drinking tea and eating a little cake.

They may been hard to see clearly but Dante could get an idea what she looked like. Her hair was eye catching orange ginger red, but what got his eye the most about her in the photos were her bright green eyes.

Dante reach over and pick up one of the photos, the one where she is walking out a store.

He had no reasons obvious to not help this man, but he felt something was off as stared at the blurred face of the young woman.

"This woman, will summon him and I need you to kill her before she does. She is nothing, but a demon herself! If she is successful, she will doom the world!

You must help me devil hunter! I will pay you all much you want! I done everything in my power to stop her, but s-she's just too powerful! We barely managed to find out she's going,to Gehenna island to an abandoned castle to summon the demon lord! H-here are the directions." Stuttering in fear and heavy sweat. A dramatic change then before. The man handed over Dante a slip of paper, Map of the world with pen markings to where go and how to.

Dante after examining it he glanced over to his client. Arching an eyebrow at the man, feeling something shifty yet he seemed prested and worried over this subject. Anyone would be in this state knowing the world they know it would end. So Dante put it into his pocket then grabbed the last piece of pizza." I'll take it, we don't want the world to be doomed. For all I know there be no more pizza. "

"Thank you.” The man said with a relieved grin like he was holding his breath the whole time. He took out a key to put on the table, passed the key to him. “I have a boat ready for you at the docks, it's called Argo."

Dante looked down to the key on the table seeing a nameplate on the keychain. He took it, circling the key on his finger then put it in his pocket.

“That takes care of that isuss. Come on Dante, I’ll drive you there.” Morrison stood up and putting on his hat and coat. Letting Dante out the booth as he lit his new cigarette.

“Good luck on your journey Demon hunter.” The man  

“Goodbye Tweedledum and Tweedledee."  Dante said with pizza in his mouth to the two men in black while following Morrison back to the car. Giving a lazy backward wave to them.

[killsupe-arch]

@toonsupe : send me your url *

my opinion on :

Character in general : easily one of the top 5 favorite characters of the show. when he first showed up i thought he was going to be your typical quiet, mysterious black-masked character who is an absolute menace to society once you set him loose, and i can't tell you how glad i am to be wrong. he's so interesting and has so many layers to him that we unfortunately didn't get to see on-screen but by the time the show was done with him i couldn't help but feel like we deserved to see so much more. i would give anything to just pat his shoulder and tell him it's gonna be okay. How they play them : jesus christ c i would sit here for hours talking about how you breathe so much life into this character like it's nobody's business. i will never waste an opportunity to tell you how happy i am that you're the one writing him because you literally took one of the most misunderstood characters of the show to turn into something that not only feels real and human but also goes along with the little pieces we have of him. every reply and every post i see of yours cements the fact that you care about noir so much and it makes me go crazy <3 literally the writers of the show wished they had half of your brain to come up with the amazing headcanons and exquisite writing you bless us with on the dash. magnificent/10 The Mun : please please please you said it yourself we have a binding type of contract and we're now stuck with each other forever. i love chatting with you whether it's about our little meow meows or just completely unrelated things. you're so sweet and kind and soooo fucking passionate about black noir that talking to you feels refreshing and just... so freaking nice. i never feel like i'm bothering you even when i write entire walls of text about hughie or whatever crosses my mind and for that i am banging the table with my tiny fists . ily <3

do i :

RP with them : YES we have a few threads together and another couple of asks waiting to be answered . Want to RP with them :  all day every day <3 if my brain allowed it i'd be all over for you because your notifs could not handle the speed of my replies

what is my :

Overall Opinion : an absolute delight to have on the dash, both muse and mun. from the very second i came here you made me feel extremely welcomed and i'm soo excited to see what the future holds for hughie and noir. just what we have of them so far has me bouncing off the walls ! and i know it's gonna be incredible because just writing and plotting with you is amazing. mwah

[sunshinechii-scenarios]

Hi Neighbor

Hello! I'm back with another scenario finally after another round of just posting moodboards! I also did include a pet cat in here so if you're a dog person I'm sorry! I love cats kskxnsozjs but people see me as a dog person sad sad. W.E I love them both ♡

✿ Seventeen The8 x Gender Neutral Reader ✿ Fluff ✿ 1.7k words ✿ Not Requested ✿ Chii

PSA: If you requested something please give us 2-3 weeks! We’re both in school and busy with personal things! I don’t wanna sound annoying but be patient! Thank you! I make make a wip post where I’ll update the wips I’m working on if that helps!

I made the following divider so please don’t take it or use in your own posts, thank you .- Chii 

          There was an absolutely wonderful opening for the Friday night shift at work and with rent coming up, you knew you needed the extra cash. It was always a normal occurrence that Friday has the least amount of workers, next to the weekend. You picked up the black marker and wrote your name on the whiteboard inside the employee office. Marking your name down, you made up a plan in your head to prepare yourself for working two shifts within 24 hours. Gathering your things, you checked the time on your phone that had been locked up. 7:34 pm, you still had time to eat a quick meal and sleep before you dealt with an afternoon and night shift back to back. You luckily had four breaks in those two shifts but it was hard to take naps with noise constantly around you.

“Bye, Y/N. See you tomorrow!” Said one of the older workers there, you waved them a goodbye before walking out of the building. As your shoes crunched against the fallen leaves and the wind hit your skin, you walked to your stop. You fished out a pair of earbuds and plugged them into your phone as you waited for the bus.

          On the 15 minute ride home, your plan started to come together. You would order some delivery and pay with your debit card over the phone to save the trouble of paying with cash. You would take a shower within the 45 minute window it usually took for your delivery to come and eat before sleeping by 10 AM. You turned the white corridor lined with dark doors to stop in front of the one you called home. You felt up your pockets for your keys. Finally feeling the jagged edge of metal against your fingers you pulled it out, the jingling sound was the only other sound besides the voices you could hear from next door. You recently got a new neighbor, the old one had moved due to work relocation. It was such a shame, you two had been close and it was hard to adjust to a new neighbor, Minghao is his name if you weren't mistaken. You barely said anything to him since he moved in last week. A few greetings here and there were exchanged between the two of you. You only knew his name because of mail being accidentally put into your box day after day. You thought back to a few days ago, around two days after he moved in. He caught you while coming home in your work attire, that day you had been especially tired and it showed in your appearance. 

It only consisted of him saying “hey neighbor,” before he walked into his apartment and his three friends followed. You were worried about the noise factor but to your pleasant surprise you could hear him tell them to quiet down every time they got loud. You enter your home but not before stealing a glance over to Minghao’s door, hearing muffled voices.

‘Maybe he has friends over again,’ you thought to yourself before pushing the dark door in. You felt a fluffy tail around your ankles as soon as you stepped through the door.

“Hey, Cece.” You bent down to pet the white and gray cat on the ground. She started to walk off to god knows where while you took off your coat and shoes. You called in your order and paid, finally being able to enjoy a hot shower after a long day. You took your time under the hot water, letting it relax your tense muscles. The steam filled the tile bathroom and you looked down to your hands, red due to the hot water. You heard a female voice that interrupt your thoughts through the walls. The walls were thin but not that thin, it took a lot to hear someone talking from another apartment. You got out of the shower after that, you had been in there way too long anyway. Your noticed your prune like fingers while you changed into a fresh change of clothes. The doorbell rang just when you exited the steamy bathroom and prepared the cash tip.

          You thanked the delivery man and gave him a tip and sat down at your coffee table. Opening the bag, you took out it's contents. You saw Cece making her way towards you. Getting up, you lifted her into the couch and she turned a few times before getting comfortable. Came that time of the night to look for a show to watch while you ate. Although, once you did it was nearly impossible to enjoy your T.V show in peace. The voices next door got louder and louder. You wanted to shut them out and ignore it as white noise but you could make out every word they were shouting. Disregarding your damp hair and your cat meowing for you to not leave again, your hand turned the handle to your front door. You slipped on a pair of slide on slippers and walked the short distance to Minghao’s door. You took a deep breath before knocking, what were you going to say? Stop yelling? Regardless, you knocked and waited for him to answer. To your surprise the door opened quickly, you saw the angry looking girl behind Minghao. You assumed this was the loud female voice you heard while trying to relax in the shower. She looked angry and was red in the face, you saw tears streaming down her face with bits of mascara. You blinked rapidly and tore your eyes away from her, not wanting to make awkward eye contact.

Looking at Minghao, you began to speak, “hey, I’m-mh?!”

‘Hey, I'm your neighbor from next door. I know you just moved in and all but I have a night shift in 4 hours and I would appreciate if you kept the noise down,’ is what you wanted to say if it wasn't for his lips pressing against yours but you weren't complaining. They felt smooth and plush, unlike your own that was dry from not applying lip balm after coming out of the shower. You saw no point in it, you were going to eat right after but in this moment you wish you did. He held onto your body as you practically melted. You have never been kissed like this before with your luck in men. They didn't kiss you like Minghao did. They wouldn’t be able to kiss you like Minghao did. He pulled away, staring into your eyes before leaning towards your ear.

“I know this looks bad but play along and I'll explain everything later.” His breath tickled your neck and caused your cheeks to flush.

“U-uh sure…” You could barely say anything since you were still in shock from the kiss. He interlocked your fingers together and stepped away so you could see the girl in your sight again. She was just as shocked as you were.

“This is the girl you keep saying doesn't exist.” Minghao said while motioning over to you.

“So you’re the one, huh?” Her voice was just as loud as before but it was slightly brittle.

“Uh,” you felt Minghao’s fingers tighten around your hand, “yea! We’ve been seeing each other.” You saw the anger in her eyes and felt scared, like she was about to attack you. She start to walk towards you but Minghao let your hand go and stood in front of you.

“I think it's time for you to go.” Minghao said calmly, trying to be the bigger person in this situation.

“This isn't over!” She screamed louder than before.

“Yes it is.”

“Ugh!” The girl stomped out of his apartment but not before slamming his front door so loud that you heard your cat meow from the wall.

“I should be expecting a call from the landlord in a day shouldn't I?” Minghao crouched down and rubbed the back of his neck.

“Most likely.” You crouched down to be eye level with him. He pick up a fallen pillow and threw it back in the couch.

“About before, I'm sorry.” He looked at you apologetically.

“It’s fine, a nasty ex?” You said.

“Now she is.” He said blandly.

“Oh, I'm sorry.” You said quickly after, not really knowing to comfort him but he didn't seem to mind that he just broke up with his girlfriend.

“It’s alright, we got into our 9th argument this week and I expected this to come.” He got up and started to fix up the rest of apartment.

“Do you want help cleaning up?” You asked him, figuring it would be weird to just leave after that and you wanted to speed up the process so you didn't have to hear cluttering while in bed.

“That would be amazing, thank you…” His voice trailed off.

“Y/N, I live next door.” You pointed to the left wall of his apartment.

“Ah, you always bring my mail over to me.” He nodded his head at remembering your morning attire and half awake face when you would drop off the said mail.

“So,” you paused before continuing to pick up the Chinese fashion magazines,” do you always kiss your new neighbors?” You said after you put them on his coffee table.

“Why? Want it to happen again?” He turned to you to saw your face flush a deeper red. He tried to hold back a smile.

“How about I take you in a date first? We’ll see if everything plays out well and I'll kiss you again.”

“Date? Wait! My take out! Ah, it's probably room temperature by now.” You suddenly remembered your food and sighed, you didn't want to use the microwave since it was half your age, a ‘goodbye present’ from your parents.

“I’m sorry about that, you could use my microwave if you want to. It's brand new.” He offered up his kitchen to your use and pat the top of the microwave.

“You just saved me from my old rickety microwave.” You sighed happily.

“You saved me from my ex, it's the least I can do.”

You spend the next hour continuing to help Minghao with his apartment and ate at his place also. You introduced him to your ragdoll cat and Cece loved him, so did you. Maybe love is a strong word but you are definitely attracted to him now. Usually you kiss after two people get together but a change up in the order makes it interesting.

“I still have my night shift….”

I HAD THIS WIP FOR 5 DAYS AND THATS THE QUICKEST i’VE EVER FINISHED, MODIFIED AND EDITED ANYTHING. I like this little prompt so I worked with it and it’s not bad! :o Until next time!

Please don’t claim this as your own and please don’t do anything with it without my permission. If you don’t want it happening to you, don’t do it to others.

[magziraphale]

A Winter’s Night

A little Gradence fic inspired by this song. Should really have been done a few weeks ago but life is life.

The lamp is burning low upon my table top,

The snow is softly falling.

The air is still in the silence of my room,

I hear your voice softly calling.

If I could only have you near

To breathe a sigh or two,

I would be happy just to hold the hands I love

On this winter's night with you.

He’s been staring at this report for a full half hour now. The words seem to blur past, his gaze becoming unfocused and when he looks back to the page he recognises nothing. He should really give it up as a bad job but sheer bloody mindedness has always been a prominent Graves trait. A small warm weight brushes against his leg accompanied by a plaintive meow. He smiles.

“Hello menace.”

The black and white furball blinks up at him with huge dark eyes, solemn and elegant. Persephone had been a gift from his sister, Gwen, who was of the constant opinion that he was turning into a lonely old man, and since she couldn’t visit as often as she both of them would like, she had left him a companion. He had protested at first but it took all of three days for him to be utterly enamoured with the creature, who had simply decided that Graves was her human whether he liked it or not. 

She oscillated between being an aloof, magnificent queen and an absolute shit, and he adored her for it. Gwen had laughed until she cried when he told her the cat’s name was Persephone - “Percy and Percy! Does your ego know no bounds?!” He had made a point to call her Seph from then on.

Seph decided that her human was not paying her sufficient attention and began to climb up his trouser legs to perch herself on his lap. She was still blinking those huge eyes. Graves had an uncomfortable flash back to that morning, another set of dark, feline eyes staring at him. It was a tragedy that they didn’t stare out of a healthy, full face like Seph’s. 

Fuck, I’m even seeing him in my damn cat. 

He had a feeling that Credence would love Persephone, with the fascinated way he glanced at the crowds of pigeons on the street or the little secretive smile that came out when people walking their dogs passed by him. Graves had a sudden image of Credence curled up by the fire, Seph purring away on his lap, warm and safe and with that slow creeping smile allowed to stay. He reached out to pet Seph with a hand that trembled ever so slightly, the ache in his chest that he’d carried all day splitting into something sharp and piercing. 

Merlin, but he hoped the boy was at least inside.

The next morning he found himself retracing his steps to the alley they had met in the day before. He waited as long as he could, wishing he hadn’t taken the healers’ advice to stop smoking. It would at least give him something to do with his hands. But there was no sign of the boy. Fuck, he couldn’t afford to stand around all day. 

He pulled one of the loose bricks out a little from the wall, slipping a letter he’d finally written the night before in case of this very eventuality. At least he knew Credence could read, the boy had been rather adamant about that when he’d asked.

“I may not be educated, but I am not slow, Mr Graves.”

That brief flash of fire, of defiance had made him smile. The boy was so much more than he appeared.

The smoke is rising in the shadows overhead,

My glass is almost empty.

I read again between the lines upon each page

The words of love you sent me.

If I could know within my heart

That you were lonely too,

I would be happy just to hold the hands I love

On this winter's night with you.

Credence wasn’t expecting Mr Graves to be in the alley so long after their usual time, in spite of the traitorous thump of his heart. He was an important man with better things to do that be at the beck and call of a nobody. Some days Credence wondered if it was all a dream, that he’d wake up and find that Mr Graves did not know him, or worse, did not exist at all. 

It was Credence who started it, leaving little notes whenever he was able to hide some scraps of paper. He burned with shame at his clumsy letters when Mr Graves wrote back the first time, his script neat and curling on thick, textured paper. But Mr Graves never seemed to mind, if he even noticed, always reassuring him that he read and enjoyed what Credence chose to write to him.

There was a scrap of paper in the wall today. He could feel his heart speed up again - even if it wasn’t the same as having him here, breathing the same air, feeling the warmth of his hand on his shoulder, Credence treasured the words the man wrote. He kept the notes hidden in one of the floorboards of his room, only taking them out when everyone was asleep to read the words over and over, even though he’d already memorised most of them. It wasn’t the same as seeing the ink on the page, knowing that he’d written these words, left something physical and real. Credence doubted the man truly meant the words as they might be understood, the depth of familiarity and affection, but he didn’t care. They were his and he hoarded them as a treasure.

“My dearest Credence-“

The feeling in his chest swelled as he read greedily, a sparking pressure that he sometimes felt might devour him. He’d let it.

Credence tucked the paper into his shoe when he was done, much less likely to be found there. But the words of Percival Graves played over and over in his head, and they kept him warm as he stood out on the main street and the snow continued to fall.

It was another two days before he saw Credence again. On the nights in between he had read the boy’s words out to Seph as he studied the note - a scrap from one of their horrid flyers - and was at once filled with joy and worry. The weather wasn’t getting any better, if anything it was turning colder, every drop of moisture turning to ice in an instant. Sleep came slowly, if at all; the price of his cowardice.

The surge of warmth when he saw the boy hunched in the alley was incriminatingly familiar. In truth, he’d feared he was too late, the winter sun already below the New York skyline.

“Credence.”

A jolt before the huddled figure relaxed slightly. “Mr Graves,” his voice was all but a whisper.

Graves tried to smile. “It’s good to see you. Thank you for the letter.” Those dark eyes flickered up to meet his own, but the face was paler even than usual, the red lips chapped and sore, dark shadows like bruises under his eyes.

“You’re welcome, sir. I got yours as well, thank you.”

“I’m glad.” In recent days the boy had never been so silent, opening up gradually as a cautious bud. “Credence?”

“Hmm?” The response seemed dragged from his body. Graves couldn’t help but put a hand to his forehead.

“Credence, are you well?” Hells bells, Graves, of course he’s not well, fucking look at him. The boy’s head was damp with sweat but so cold. He leaned into Graves’ hand with a hum.

“I’m- I’m fine, Mr Graves, just tired ’s all.” And his words were starting to slur. Fuck.

The choice was never really any choice at all.

“Hold on to me for a moment, let’s get you someplace warm.”

Seeing Credence on his living room sofa felt much like dreaming. But in his dreams the boy had never had that sickly grey tinge to his skin, had never had red slices along his hands cracked and reopened from the cold that he’d had to heal before giving him honeyed tea with Pepper-Up potion. Persephone was watching them both from her seat on the windowsill, taking the scene in with dark eyes.

“I have a pot of soup on for when you’re done with the tea.”

“Thank you Mr Graves.”

“Please, call me Percival?” He hadn’t meant it to come out as a question, but the boy smiled just a little in response.

“Thank you, Percival.” Hesitance and boldness both. Hardly a wonder that Graves was gone for the boy.

He healed his wounds as best he could, put soothing cream on his face. Credence’s eyelashes fluttered with every touch of his fingers, which looked so large and uncouth next to the delicacy of his features. He left the boy to rest by the fire while he went to prepare some food. Before you go too far.

When he returned, he found his heart healed and split anew. Credence was kneeling on the rug by the fire, stroking careful fingers through Persephone’s fur. She lay still and purring under his gentle touch, blinking huge eyes up at where Graves stood frozen by the soft expression on the boy’s face. As close to joy as he had seen. He wanted to turn and walk away, not to intrude on their peace; he wanted to freeze time and never look at anything else. The spoon rattled against the bowl and Credence looked up. But his joy did not fade, rather it grew, a smile spreading like the fire’s warmth.

“I think your cat likes me.”

Graves lowered himself to the floor next to his two favourite people. He passed the soup to Credence and pulled Seph into his lap, who settled once again after a brief disgruntled murmur.

“Her name is Persephone, though I usually call her Seph. And she definitely likes you.”

Credence looked torn between continuing to eat and returning to petting Seph.

“I’m glad. She’s beautiful.”

Seph stretched, preening as if she understood she was being praised.

“You both are.” He realised the moment the words left his mouth and cringed. Credence’s eyes were wide with shock, a blush spreading across his cheeks.

“You don’t mean that.”

Graves sighed. “Oh, I do. I shouldn’t have said it, but there’s nothing more true. You are beautiful, Credence, outside and in.” He put a hand to the boy’s trembling ones, steadying him again. His eyes were damp but a small smile was threatening. Perhaps all wasn’t lost.

They sat together quietly. Eventually Credence shifted - towards him, not away, and what a miracle - laying his head softly, hesitantly on Graves’ shoulder. Graves thought he might cry, squeezing his eyes shut as he reached an arm around the slim body to hold him.

“The snow is prettier from in here,” Credence whispered.

“When you’re well and rested, I’ll take you out back with a warming charm, and we can watch it fall from the sky.”

“But- but I have to go back, Mr Graves.” Wetness dripped from the boy’s face, and Graves had had enough.

“No you don’t. I’ve been a coward, Credence, and I’m so fucking sorry. But you’re never going back there. Will you stay here with me Credence?”

Those gorgeous dark eyes were looking right through him now in shock, searching out any hint of a lie.

“And do what?” he finally asked.

Graves pressed a kiss to his brow, watched the snow fall outside the window. He was right, it was beautiful.

“I don’t know Credence. For now? Watch the snow. Breathe. Pet Seph, as I highly doubt she’ll permit anything less.”

A breathy laugh as the boy reached to stroke her soft fur again. He nodded and laid his head back down on Graves’ shoulder.

“I would like that. Percival.”

If I could only have you near

To breathe a sigh or two,

I would be happy just to hold the hands I love

On this winter's night with you.

And to be once again with with you.

[zblackiez]

Starvation

♪ Going through hell, while looking at heaven ♪

Phone in hand, scrolling through the intricate web—the world that fits right in her pocket.

♪ Found an answer looking for a

question ♪

Chatter, encompassing her like doves swirling through the low skies.

♪ How many turns ‘til I find me? ♪

She sat at the front counter, dressed in a modest tank-top of black with a navy-blue skirt and dress shoes as dark as a raven. Her frame thin, slender, she had skin of a fair complexion; soft, like a newborn’s. Faint freckles dotted her cheeks, a few below her eyes, whose irises howled in divine violet. Harmonizing with it, straight hair of vibrant orange fell gracefully to her neck’s tip, just barely concealing her ears.

All around her, groups lolling in booths talked up a storm: retells of a memory here; struggles of comedy there. Laughs all around, their smiles glistening with phenomenal genuineness.

She took her eyes off her pocket-sized universe and looked to the radio that sang near the wall.

“Hey, Mister,” she said, “what song is that?”

He gave her the face of a raised eyebrow, the aged man who wiped glass cups with a rag from the opposite side of the counter. Behind him, upon shelves of oak, showed the collection of exotic bottles and snacks.

“You don’t know?” he asked. “But this one’s a goodun.”

The girl shrugged, apologetic.

“Jess Glynne,” the man enlightened her. “No Rights No Wrongs.” He smiled. “Brings some joy to my heart every time I hear it.”

The girl gazed at the radio, the tunes washing over her mind.

♪ And oh, no rights, no wrongs, take it from me ♪

♪ ‘Cause the answers are living indefinitely ♪

She had her own lips curve sweetly.

“I like it,” she said softly.

“I told ya,” the old man said, “this one’s a goodun.”

The young girl pocketed her phone, then laid her hands out on the wood before her.

The old man picked up another glass.

“By the way, Little Miss,” he said, “you’ve been here for thirty minutes now. Ya waitin’ for someone?”

“Something like that,” the girl said.

“Well, I’ll tell ya what’s up: if it’s one of your girlfriends you’re holdin’ up for, I’d recommend ya stay here as long as ya like, but if it’s a boy you’re waitin’ on, it’d be better if ya just skip out. Been way too long.”

“It’s only been half an hour. He’ll show up eventually.”

“Only half an hour?” The aged man sighed. “This generation is way too forgiving. Back in my day, if ya were even two minutes late, ya’d be in big trouble. Heck, if ya weren’t early, ya’d be eatin’ dirt. I mean, if ya don’t care about the time, who’s to say ya even care about the person?”

The girl only let the words bounce from ear to ear, never in.

She gave a smile of assurance. “It’ll be okay.”

Besides, she thought, this isn’t even the worst I’ve had. One time, I waited two whole hours. Obsidia told me he flaked out, but really, he may have just overslept. Granted, it was seven at night, but still!

The aged man just gave another sigh.

“Well,” he said, “as long as ya ain’t getting’ hurt, I suppose it ain’t so bad.”

The girl curved her lips. “Thanks, Mister.”

He returned with a smile of his own.

Ding!

From across the restaurant, a ring broke loose, accompanied by the door swinging open. And when the girl sent her gaze that way, she caught sight of him—the boy who had appeared on her Catchr notifications. His black and brown mohawk appeared the same just as his profile picture. His tattoos, even more vivid in person.

The girl smiled and said softly, “Speak of the angel.”

The aged man just sighed.

Eyelids, heavy. Bones, unwieldy, as if waves of lead pooled within them. Fatigue curled around her neck, clinging to her like a forbidden lover.

Slowly, sluggishly, she opened her eyes, letting the violet irises meet the light of the room. From the farthest wall, a sizable window greeted her, which allowed the morning rays of the sun to spill inward.

Morning already? she wondered.

Slipping her arms away from her blanket, she stretched from head to toe, loosening the muscles and spreading better the warmth of her blood.

A yawn.

Meow!

The call surfaced from her side, and when she looked its way, she spotted the adorable cat of gray fur and eyes as blue as Neptune. It rested upon her other pillow, gazing at the girl quite lovingly.

Then, a strike.

Its speed swift, the feline leaned forward and licked its owner right on the nose.

The girl shined a small smile.

“Happy sunshine, Charlotte,” she said softly.

Meow! the feline cried.

The sleepyhead looked to the clock at her side, reading the digital text, 8:38 AM. She then sent her gaze to the ceiling.

That’s right, she thought. I have to meet with Obsidia today.

The young lady gently pushed the blanket off herself, then rose to her feet, as lazy as a zombie. Snuggling her toes kindly was the fuzzy carpet below.

The feline watched as the newly awoken trudged to the bathroom in her pajamas. Every step seemed like a chore, and when she finally made it to the front of her mirror, she felt like she had cleared a mountainous journey.

The girl gave her reflection a glance, but only in that instance. As she brushed her teeth, as she washed her face, she couldn’t bring herself to gaze into her own eyes.

The cat watched.

After readying her clothing—a baby-blue hoodie with black shorts—the girl sat near the front door to put on her sneakers. And once she completed her outfit, she lovingly rubbed her pet’s head.

“I’ll be back, Charlotte,” she said.

The cat smiled. Meow!

With that, the girl headed out into the world.

A sigh slipped past her lips, into the air of her bubble—her space that reeked of light depression.

At the circular table she sat, one arm lying on the metal, which she laid her head down upon. Meanwhile, the other hand held snugly a cup of white hot chocolate.

“Tired . . .” she groaned.

From across her relaxed another girl, her skin white like clouds and smooth like marble. With slender limbs and a beautiful smile, she carried the ideal image of a teenager. A vibrant leaf-green glowed in her irises, while onyx hair tied in a braided ponytail drooped down her neck.

She pushed her glasses up the ridge of her nose.

“Are you okay, Kirium?” she asked.

“Yeah, yeah,” the girl of orange hair and poor posture answered. “I’m fine.”

“You say that, but you’ve been sitting with your head down for twenty minutes. The ‘hot’ in your hot chocolate is gonna die.”

“It won’t be the only thing dying . . .” A limp body, till the very end.

The girl of glasses just sighed. “Is this about your date last night?”

“Date?” Defeat crept into the broken girl’s voice like a sickness. “With the failures that happened, I don’t think that event can even be called a ‘date.’ Catastrophe, maybe.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

“No, thanks. I’ll just be reminded of how stupid I am.”

The bespectacled angel rubbed her hand against her friend’s arm.

“They say that when you open up with your problems, you feel better about them,” she claimed.

Finally, the girl of orange hair, Kirium, turned her head, meeting her companion’s gaze.

“You sure?” she asked. “It is quite the horror story.”

The girl of emerald eyes curved her lips sweetly. “Lucky for you, I’m a horror junkie.”

Kirium cracked a weak smile. “Thank you, Obsidia.”

Obsidia straightened her posture.

“So,” she said, “what happened?”

Kirium sat up as well.

“Everything that could possibly go wrong,” she answered.

“How so?”

The girl smiled and said softly, “Speak of the angel.”

The aged man just sighed.

Excitement pulsing through her veins, the girl rose from her seat to approach her expected company.

The boy of the mohawk scanned the room and met her eyes,

just as she tripped on her own feet.

Thump! her body went as it crashed onto the wooden floorboards. Many conversations died, the focus of the room darting to the fallen human.

“You fell?” Obsidia asked.

“Hard,” Kirium confirmed. She slammed her face against her palm. “But that’s not even the worst part.”

“Ow,” the girl groaned in a whisper. Then, to the general public: “I’m okay. I’m okay.”

But the attendees did not seem convinced. Nonetheless, their reluctance high, they shifted back to business-as-usual.

The girl kept her smile alive, despite the strange look her date shot at her. When she reached him, she held out her hand. “You must be Arschloch, right? I’m Kirium. Kirium Nedio.”

He didn’t bother with the pleasantries.

“You . . . You look different in person,” he said.

As red as a ladybug, her cheeks became.

“You think so?” Kirium asked shyly.

Arschloch kept a straight face. “You look more average.”

By a bit, the smile withered, but stayed strong.

“Well, you know,” she said, “I guess profile pics can be a bit different from the actual person.”

“Sadly.”

The lovely girl pinched her skirt.

Obsidia narrowed her eyes.

“You let him say what to you?” she growled.

“Everyone has their opinions,” Kirium argued. “Besides, I kinda am just average.”

“Kirium . . .” Obsidia bit her tongue, her next words slamming against the walls of her teeth. “What happened next?”

The girl of orange hair rubbed her eyes. “Oh, boy . . .”

Within the booth, they sat across one another, menus spread out before them.

Her heart fluttered, rapid like a lion’s sprint. And as she followed the lines of text with her fingertip, she couldn’t shake the focus away from the light sweat dribbling down her forehead.

“What, um, what are you planning on getting?” Kirium asked.

“Dunno,” Arschloch replied. “Gimme a sec.”

“Right? Like, obviously you aren’t gonna be able to pick something right away. Clearly, you need some time. Plus, there’s a lot of good things here. I’ve actually been to this place a few times. I usually get—“

“Hey”—Arschloch glared—“would you quit yapping for two seconds?”

Lips, locked.

“Sorry,” the sweet girl whispered.

The companion with glasses clenched her fist. “Kirium . . .”

Kirium looked to her lap. “I know, I know: I talk too much. It’s just that when I get nervous, I start talking up a storm, then my tongue gets tied, then I start saying anything, then—”

“That’s not why I’m upset.”

Kirium raised her eyebrows.

“Just, keep going,” Obsidia urged.

As the clock swiveled, as time soared like a flock of crows, the pair indulged in their meals: Kirium ate delicately a burger, while Arschloch scarfed down a pair of massive burritos.

No words passed between the two, as if syllables had grown extinct.

Once their stomachs had their fill, and once the wonderful girl had covered the bill, the two stepped to the world of night just outside the front door. A zephyr blew from the West, kissing Kirium’s skin like a loved one.

“That was good,” she said, her smile wide. “So, what do you want to do now?”

“Actually,” Arschloch replied, “I’m done for the night.”

Again, the smile withered, but stayed alive.

Just by a thread.

“Oh. Okay. Then, maybe—”

“Nah, I’m good.”

Hanging on.

Arschloch looked her dead in the eyes.

“It’s just, I don’t think you’re my type, after all.”

Just by a thread.

Once more, Kirium lay face-down on the table. By now, the wisps of steam had stopped rising from her cup of lukewarm chocolate.

“I guess I rushed it,” she said. “Should’ve called the date off myself at that point. I’m too impatient with these things.”

Sorrow, in a mist, clouded her companion’s eyes.

“You really think it’s your fault, huh?” Obsidia asked.

“Of course. With the flaws I have, how couldn’t it be?”

Obsidia said nothing, instead delivering her hand to the top of her misguided friend’s head. A warm touch, one that could transfer the red of one’s heart to another.

As quick as lightning, Kirium shot her head back up, her eyes dazzling like diamonds.

“It’ll be okay!” she cheered, beaming. “I have another chance at love!”

Perplexity washed over Obsidia’s face. “How so?” However, the gears of her mind did not take long to commence their grind. “Another date?”

Kirium nodded. “Mm! Tonight, nonetheless!”

The girl of glasses furrowed her brow. “Not with that same guy, is it?”

The amazing girl shook her head.

“A new one,” she said. “I linked with him on Catchr on the way over here.”

Obsidia sighed. “You really need to stop using that app.”

“Never in my life. How else am I supposed to find the love of my life?”

“Why do you even want a boyfriend to begin with?”

Kirium looked to her friend like she had a negative IQ.

“Because that’s how someone becomes happy,” she answered. “When you’re in a relationship, it’s the best feeling in the world. There’s no other emotion that compares. Honestly, Obsidia, I don’t understand how you can’t want a boyfriend.”

Obsidia sent her gaze out the window, to a sky smiling above a crowd—a collection of mindless bodies that only ever stared at their pocket-sized realities.

“I suppose,” she said, “I’m just not into that. I mean, I’m feeling pretty content at the moment.” When she looked back to Kirium, she offered a light smile. “Then again, I still have some things I need to figure out.”

Kirium puckered her lips like she was trying to keep a pencil mustache in place.

“Like how you’re gonna keep your new book away from me?” she guessed.

Obsidia giggled. “As if I’d ever do that.”

She reached into her satchel at her side to fish out a fairly thick novel. With a cover shaded white, it had The Gifted: Armageddon etched at the top with red lettering.

When given to her, Kirium held it like it was the greatest treasure in the universe.

“The last of the trilogy,” she whispered. “Time to see how Jeremy and Ruby’s love blooms.”

“I think you’ll be quite surprised,” Obsidia said.

Stars, breathing in the night sky, right next to their favorite mother—the glistening moon.

Kirium stood before the movie theater, the glow of the lit-up posters bouncing lightly off her skin. Her outfit consisted of a button-up shirt colored white with a skirt and low boots, both black. She waited patiently with her hands at her front, watching as the crowd bled out from the front doors.

I hope I don’t get tongue-tied again, the adorable girl prayed. That would be less than ideal.

As she idled, her mind played the tape of earlier—the scene which housed her best friend’s delicate warning.

“Kirium,” she had said, “it’s okay to chase after love, but just make sure you pay attention to yourself, okay?”

Don’t worry, Obsidia, Kirium thought. I’ll be a-okay!

Just then, a voice rolled beside the sweet girl.

“Excuse me,” it said. A male’s tone.

Kirium turned to it to spot a tall teenage boy standing beside her. Dressed in nice, fancy attire, he had combed hair shaded like spruce.

Just like the profile picture, only cuter.

“H-Hi,” the girl said, her heart skipping beats.

The boy smiled. “You must be Kirium. Nice to meet you.” He held out his hand. “I’m Lestin.”

Her fingers trembling, Kirium connected her palm with his. “N-Nice to meet you.” Cheeks, burning.

Without a single hint, the pristine boy wrapped his arm around Kirium’s shoulder, sending his warmth her way.

The girl felt the dizziness approach, like an army advancing.

So close!

“Let us go, Kirium,” Lestin urged. “We have a movie to catch.”

He led her to the glass doors of the theater, looking back out to the parking lot.

They strolled through the lobby, through the thin herd of movie-goers, before arriving at the entrance of their designated area. Above the doorframe hung a lighted sign which read, Avengers: End Game.

Still, Lestin kept his skin close to Kirium, and still, he looked around.

Once the pair entered, they took seats in the middle section. And before long, the masterpiece began playing on the ginormous screen. Through it all, Kirium couldn’t keep her breathing stable, couldn’t focus on the film. Like mad her bones quivered.

Oh my goodness, she thought, he’s so amazing! How can he not already have a girlfriend?

Lestin only looked around. At one point, however, he did casually lay his hand atop Kirium’s, only furthering her rapidrapidrapid heart.

This is going so well! her mind cheered. I think I’ve finally made a hit. She could smell the love swirling in the air, embracing her nostrils. She smiled from cheek to cheek.

After three solid hours of beautiful action, the patrons began to melt away from the dim room, with only a handful waiting for the credits to finish up.

Kirium and Lestin found their way back to the lobby.

“Man, that was amazing!” she said happily. “I’m really happy about how they portrayed the villain. He had great balance! What did you think of it, Lestin?”

He gave no answer, his eyes glued only to his front.

“Lestin?”

Kirium aligned her sight with his, where she saw a beautiful teenage girl marching towards them. With slender limbs, golden hair, and eyes pink like lotuses, she added definition to the word perfection.

Something I could never be.

When the mysterious girl reached them, she halted and glared.

“Lestin,” she barked, “what the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“What do you mean, Hestium?” the boy countered. “I’m just hanging out with my date here.”

Kirium gave no smile to his label.

The new arrival, Hestium, eyed the girl of orange hair.

“Talk about a downgrade,” she spat. “This is who you slump down to?”

“Hey, don’t be a jerk,” Lestin growled back. “Kirium here is awesome!”

The wings of the heart swayed.

“Yeah?” Hestium asked. “More awesome than me?”

Hesitation.

Kirium set her eyes on her date, noticing his tongue-tiedness.

“Um . . .” she said, as soft as a mouse.

“You think I wanted you out of my life?” Lestin asked. “You were everything to me.”

Instantly, the venom of Hestium evaporated. “I . . . I was?”

Slowly, Lestin nodded. “I loved you more than anything.”

The wings of the heart

disintegrated.

The boy approached his former love. “What do you say we try again?”

Hestium gazed into his eyes, forcing her breaths to grow short.

“Yeah,” she said. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

Kirium clenched her fist.

Lestin turned around to face her, then bowed.

“I’m sorry, Kirium,” he said. “I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to use you like this. It’s just that, I loved Hestium so much, and I didn’t know how else to get her back.”

Despite her soul cracking, the phenomenal girl put on a brave smile.

“Don’t be sorry,” she said. “You’d do anything for your love, right? I completely understand.”

The boy smiled. “Thank you, Kirium. Thank you so much. You’re really a great girl, judging by your Catchr profile. Any guy would be lucky to have you.”

“T-Thanks.”

The awkwardness followed like a cloud of stink.

“W-Well . . . um . . .” Face flushed, the fantastic girl turned to head out the theater. “Have fun, I guess.”

And as she reentered the plain beneath the night sky, her smile fractured just a bit.

Atop her bed she lay, within the darkness that nested between the walls of her bedroom. Lethargy streamed in her bones like new marrow, and she could do nothing more than stare at her ceiling. Outside her window, the moon’s glow weakened, and no matter how much they yearned, the bright stars could not bring about a revival.

“Aw, man.” A weak voice. “I wish Obsidia was free right now.” She squeezed the phone she held. “I guess it can’t be helped. She does have that signing, after all.” A deep breath. “Well, it’s okay. It’s not like what happened was important, anyway.”

She draped her arm over her eyes.

“It’s not like I’m important, anyway.”

Meow!

The girl felt something small and warm press against her skin.

She didn’t bother looking.

“Hello, Charlotte,” she said weakly. “Happy moonlight.”

Meow!

Deep breath.

The events flooded her mind, polluting her ocean of memories with vile ink.

Abused.

Used.

Hollow.

“Hey, Charlotte,” the girl said, “mind if I talk to you? I’d ask Obsidia, but she’s a bit busy at the moment.”

Meow . . .

She cracked a tiny smile. “I’ll take that as a yes.” A pause. “Why . . . Why do I keep failing? No matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, I just can’t get a boyfriend. I can’t get someone to like me. It’s like I’m in some comedy movie. You know, the girl who just can’t score.”

She giggled softly.

But as the moments passed, so did the tears, trickling down her cheeks one droplet at a time. Her muscles tensed. Her face writhed.

“Why can’t I have love?” she cried. “I just want someone to love me.”

The brokenness finally seeped from her blood, pouring into the place of shadows.

Once more, she felt the soft paw kiss her skin.

“Child . . .”

Widened eyes.

For a moment, the cruelty of reality slipped from the girl’s focus, and she lifted her arm to meet the feline’s eyes.

The furry guardian gazed lovingly.

Despite the wetness of her face, the sorrow of her soul, the girl chuckled a little.

“What’s wrong with me?” she asked. “First, I can’t get someone to accept me. Now, I’m going so crazy that I’m hearing voices.”

The paw gave a kind rub.

“Child . . .” the voice repeated.

“Fine, fine,” the girl said, her voice feeble, “I’ll go along. I’m as strange as is, anyway.”

The voice continued. “Does it hurt, child?”

“Does it hurt?” The girl clenched her fist. “Of course it hurts. It hurts every second that I breathe. No matter what I do, I can’t find that special someone. It’s like the universe is telling me to be alone.” Another tear. “I don’t want to be alone. I want to be loved.”

Silence.

Then: “Tell me, child: who do you love?”

“Who do I love?” the girl asked.

“Yes, who do you love?”

The child considered the inquiry.

“Obsidia,” she answered. “She’s been with me through thick and thin, through the good times and the bad ones. I know I can always count on her.

“I love my mom and my dad. I know they work a lot, but they can’t help it. They have to do what they can to support the three of us. I appreciate all the hard work they do.

“There’s also Ms. Diamond. She always helps me in class, even though I’m more on the slow side. She’s patient and understands my struggles. She’s like a second mom in some ways.

“Then there’s—”

“Now let me ask you this,” the voice interrupted. “How long until you were going to say ‘myself?’”

As her lips stayed sewed tight, the realization struck her like a bolt of lightning. Her lips quivered, and she sobbed even harder.

“I have witnessed the paradigm of your life, child,” the voice said. “You run around, tired as can be, searching for a source of affection; yet, the one person you are unwilling to meet eyes with is yourself.

“You starve for love, yet you won’t turn to the one individual who holds an unlimited supply.”

“How am I supposed to even look at myself in the mirror?” the girl wept. “How am I supposed to see myself as anything more than a disgusting abomination? You’ve seen me, right? You know who I am. I’m worthless. Annoying. A waste of space.”

“If you’re a waste of space, then why does Obsidia bother!?” the voice growled.

Ever so slightly, the girl’s jaw hung.

“If you’re annoying, why does Ms. Diamond care for you?” the voice continued. “If you’re worthless, why do your mother and father see you as a princess?”

No answer.

The guardian angel lowered its tone.

“Because you’re you, Kirium,” it said. “You’re not worthless. You’re not annoying. You’re anything but a waste of space. You are Kirium Nedio, and for the world, that’s good enough.

“If you long for affection, then you must look within before you can gaze out. You must be willing to be kind to yourself. After all, how are you supposed to love someone if you can’t even love yourself?”

Kirium clenched her teeth, the truth of the words spiraling in her mind, in her sanctum of emotions.

“It’s just hard,” she whispered. “It’s hard being okay being me.”

The warm paw tapped her cheek.

“I know,” the voice said, “but it is not impossible. You are one of the brightest girls this universe has witnessed, and you have much to show for. In time, you will come to realize that. Just don’t sell yourself short, because you are undeserving of such ridicule.”

The girl gave only an answer of silence, her body unmoving. Even so, she never let that message stray far from her now-redder heart.

She awoke at the rise of morning, slumbering past the moon that recovered its glow and the stars that beamed with joy.

Morning already? she wondered, looking to the sky of fresh blue.

Meow!

Before her senses could truly come alive, she felt something moist brush against her nose.

“Happy sunshine, Charlotte,” the girl said, admiring the cat of gray fur and Neptune eyes. “I see you’re up early.”

Meow! the feline cheered.

Leaving her bed a mess, the girl departed from her bedroom to the bathroom, where the accursed mirror grinned at her with wickedness.

But she did back down.

Not again.

As she brushed her teeth, as the odd memories of last night popped into her mind, she stared at the reflection head-on, despite how much her skin crawled.

Yet,

even as the image shook pain all throughout, she cracked the tiniest of smiles, noticing, if only by a little, the genuine wonder that the girl in the mirror shined.

The splendid human.

[rxvrie]

july 19th , 2018

dear diary,

sleep is essential , but when you have feelings , you need to iterate. as i write this, my moonlight is already fast asleep. it’s 2am. i guess it technically isn’t the 19th anymore, but for the sake of poetry, let’s let the universe fall apart a little. poetry over unity, eh ?

i have only ever dreamt of this day, literally and figuratively - to be spending the night of our anniversary together , alive and breathing in the same room, in the same time. a lot of times, it is not a luxury for lovers to be in the same room. for us, it has always been a dream to do even the simplest of things - watching tv together, playing with our pets together, placing small kisses on fingertips, watching each other idly...

they were all dreams, figments of our imaginations until this very day.

i woke early this morning, but not because i am an early riser or anything. there was a little cat playing with my wee toes and purring the loudest i’ve ever heard him purr. our son. i have such a weak spot for him, and even if it was a godforsaken hour ( ‘twas half past five in the morning ) , i still sighed fondly and gave into those little white furry paws clawing softly at my feet. he jumped up on our bed, waking her as well. we both giggled as the furry creature crawled between the little space between us and made himself home there. as if it was his place from the beginning. he started purring even louder so we gave up on sleeping but instead took turns pulling his tail, initiating the most funny meows one could ever imagine. he eventually decided he had enough of us and left, slapping my face with his giraffe-like tail as he sashayed away. even after all this time, he still has such an attitude.

she and i started to miss his warmth but we had no need to fret longer, because a puppy ran full speed into our room, her little tail going mad, and jumped onto my lap without hesitation. she bounced all over us, wagging her tail like crazy. she spotted the little space between us and crawled in, curling up into a ball immediately. even all the way here in england, she loves little spaces. belle looked at her and melted, saying she seeked warmth and kissed her on the top of her head. choco wagged her tail a bit in response, digging into the warmth of the blanket even further. she started to sleep there, and we decided to let her lounge a bit in our bed as we waited for the sun to come up. 

on that cue, cheese decided it was about time he forgave us for the horrible deed of pulling his tail and came in meowing. belle called for him to come, and he surprisingly conceded (or decided he liked the warm bed) and curled up right under where choco was fast asleep. we both melted at the scene and we all took turns kissing his soft belly after he lay on his side, indicating he wanted us to make up for the rude tail pulling my kissing his belly.

until the sun came up, us four all lounged in the bed, happily warm in each other’s company. i couldn’t think of ways this day could get better than this, and the day hadn’t even started yet, not properly. 

belle and i woke up to make ourselves breakfast. we had the classic toast and tea together, laughing at how choco and cheese lounged by the table, hoping to get some crumbs or something. we fed them afterwards, and it was fun teasing them. cheese meowed a lot. 

we decided for our anniversary we would travel to paris. we travelled to paris via a short flight, landing at the airport in no time. belle translated everything for me. it was lovely watching her speak french. she is so beautiful. 

we walked hand in hand down the back alleys of paris, breathing in the feel of the city. once in a while i would stop and kiss her, and nobody could stop us. we were in paris, after all, the city of love.

we spent the day in each other’s company, touring historic sites as well as local cafés. belle even made me order my drink in french, which was a disaster. the waiter was nice, complimenting how my french was “tres bien”. I think he was being polite. each second, minute, and hour i spent with her, i couldn’t help but think how magical this was and how i wish i could stop time right now. everything was perfect now. 

as the sun started setting, we made our way to the eiffel tower. we watched tourists roaming in and taking photos and lovers kissing by the tower. the sky was a beautiful shade of pink, orange, and red. we asked a passerby to take a photo of us together. she was a lovely french lady who wished us all the well.

as she took our photo, i pulled her against me, my lips meeting hers in a kiss. it was a short kiss, for the sake of the photograph, but nothing had ever felt more electric and alive. 

we thanked the lady for taking our picture and made our way back to england, where our son and daughter were probably waiting for us. 

we made our way home to our little flat. choco started barking as soon as i started with the keys and she ran towards us as soon as the door opened and wagged her tail like crazy. meanwhile, cheese slowly made our way to us, giving us a look that signalled, “this dog is so fucking loud, get me out of here, where the hell have you two been?” ah, classic. 

we had dinner after the sky had darkened already, and we washed promptly, deciding to head to bed quickly since today was tiring. we lay in bed together, facing each other. i kissed her on the forehead and i reached out to her with one hand. 

“take my hand,” i said. she smiled and teared up, taking my hand in hers.

“let’s see where we can go.” she replied, and we drifted asleep, hand in hand. 

of course, i am not the best at falling asleep, and tonight especially since i have a lot of emotions. hence why i am taking to you, dear diary. it’s 2:30 AM now. i will go back to my home. oh, you ask, aren’t you in england? no, home is right here. my home is sleeping right next me. 

[missmeikakuna]

Chad and the Incel Chapter 5

Rated: M

Fandom: Original Fiction (but inspired by the Virgin vs Chad meme)

Relationship type: Male/Male with a bit of Female/Female (the lesbians are adorable, btw) and unrequited Male/Female (in other words, the guys are bisexual).

Description: Chad is, well, a Chad, or at least he looks like one. He’s got his sights set on the cool nerd Becky and enlists the help of her shy incel ex-friend Noah, offering to help him get the gorgeous girl (Stacy) he desperately wants. Noah is reluctant to help, believing that he will be stuck in inceldom forever, but Chad’s interest in his life gives him hope. When their plans go awry, they start turning their romantic attention towards each other.

Content Warning: Given the subject matter, you can guess that this story has dark themes in it, such as suicide and self-harm (plus the mental health issues that often cause them), sexism, slut-shaming homophobia, biphobia and transphobia. There is also swearing and some mentions of sex but nothing too explicit (hence the M rating as opposed to an Explicit rating).

5th Post: Rate my looks

Noah’s hand wobbled as he held his phone up. The same words repeated in his head.

‘I’m not taking a selfie because I’m a narcissist. This is important research.’

He took a photo and glowered at it. He took another photo. Then another. Eventually he had taken ten photos and hated all of them. He took one last photo and sighed. It would have to do.

He uploaded the photo to Incels.me while holding his breath. His nerves were set aflame and he felt like pacing through his house. He expected low ratings on his looks from the other incels but he knew he needed to see those bad ratings, anything to take him out of the fairyland he’d let himself fall in thanks to Chad. He lied down on his bed and stared at the ceiling, wondering if he would ever get any sleep. Half an hour later, his drooping eyes gave him his answer.

When he arrived at school the next day, his jitteriness was not lost in Chad. ‘You okay?’ Chad asked as they sat down to eat at lunchtime.

‘I’m fine!’ Noah snapped at him.

‘Jeez, who woke up on the wrong side of the-’

‘I have no patience for clichés right now, Chad Thundercock.’

Chad’s cheeks cherried up. ‘What did you call me?’ The speed of his heartbeats would impress a bullet train.

Noah’s face turned into the colour opposite to the pill mentality he followed. He looked around the cafeteria and thanked the laws of nature that everyone was too busy talking to each other to overhear what he said.

‘I didn’t mean… it was an accident. I’ve heard people call popular guys Chad Thundercock, so it just kind of slipped out. It’s just a meme.’

A high-pitched and overly loud laugh came from Chad’s throat, his mind repeatedly telling his cheeks to turn down the heat and said cheeks refusing to listen. His eyebrows raised and pushed themselves together, creating wrinkles on his forehead.

On the other side of the cafeteria, Becky walked up to Stacy’s table, which was full of equally blonde and tan girls. She gestured to the one empty seat at the table.

‘May I sit?’

‘Um, I guess?’ one of the girls responded. ‘Why, though?’

‘I would like to get to know Stacy more.’

The girls at the table went, ‘Oooh!’ Stacy’s face went hot enough and her eyes grew big enough to make the sun jealous. Becky noticed this.

‘I see,’ she said. ‘I shall keep my reasoning between Stacy and me.’ As Becky sat down, Stacy looked away.

Another girl said in a nasal voice, ‘I’ve got to admit, it’s unusual for someone like you to want to be friends with someone like Stacy.’

Becky smiled. ‘Yes, friends. Well, Stacy approached me first.’

Never mind the sun, at this point Wolf-Rayet stars were probably envious of the heat coming from Stacy’s cheeks. The other girls leaned towards her. Becky crossed her arms as if expecting an answer.

‘Well, um, well, uh, I saw a photo of a fangtooth fish on her exercise book in science class,’ Stacy explained.

After a moment of silence came laughter. ‘That’s the reason?’ the nasally voiced girl asked. ‘What the hell is a fangtooth fish? Sounds gross. As if someone like you would like something gross like that! And wait, since when do you take science classes, Stacy? You do realise that’s not compulsory for seniors, right?’

‘Uh, well, it’s a…’ Each word Stacy said went quieter until nothing but her breaths could be heard. Becky gave her a warm smile and the other girls a cold glare.

‘The fangtooth fish is a deep-sea fish,’ she explained. ‘I thought it would be fitting for me to put a deep-sea fish on the cover of a book that encourages me to dive deep into how the world works. It’s a symbol of curiosity and I am glad Stacy noticed it. It may look gross but I still find it more encouraging to look at than a group of pretty girls who belittle their friend’s interests.’

The girls stared at Becky in stunned silence. Breaking the silence, the nasal girl asked, ‘Do you think you’re smarter than us or something?’

Now it was Becky’s turn to stare in silence. After a while she bowed her head and apologised. ‘I shouldn’t let intellectual snobbery take over me. I hope you know that your appearance is unrelated to my view of your intelligence. After all, Stacy is visually appealing and I don’t find her to be particularly unintelligent. I should go.’

As Becky stood up with her tray, so did Stacy, who apologised to the other girls and followed Becky to another table. 

‘I’ve accomplished my mission,’ Becky said with a smile that grew bigger when Stacy raised an eyebrow. ‘I’ve learnt more about you. And in such a short time! You like deep-sea creatures and your friends are a little bitchy.’

‘They’re not bitchy! I swear they’re nice.’

Becky chuckled. ‘Then why did your voice get quieter at the word ‘nice’?’

‘And besides, it’s not deep-sea creatures I like, per se,’ Stacy revealed as she repeatedly stabbed her mash potato with her fork. ‘It’s sea creatures in general.’

‘I’ve got to admit, I’ve never heard of someone getting a crush on someone because of a fangtooth fish. Do their strong jaw muscles make your heart race?’ Becky winked and decided to test Stacy with the next question. ‘Or is it their ability to see in the dark?’

‘They have terrible eyesight, actually. You of all people should know.’

Becky leaned in closer, once again bringing heat to Stacy’s cheeks. ‘Marry me.’

Stacy pushed her head away. ‘Shut up! There are loads of people around. And besides, what made you want to get to know me? I thought you wanted to focus on school.’

It took Becky a while to answer, and during that break she stole a forkful of mashed potato from Stacy’s plate, earning a little whine from her. She laughed before swallowing the mash.

‘I’ve been thinking about it and I realised I’m fine. I’m doing fairly well in school so there’s no need for me to hold off on interpersonal relationships. If you haven’t changed your mind, I’d be happy to go out with you.’

Stacy covered her mouth but the creasing in her eyes told Becky that she was smiling. The blonde girl nodded and the brunette held out her hand.

‘Can I put my number in your phone?’ 

After swapping numbers, the two ate and talked about sea creatures until they had no food left. At that point they chatted about school until the bell rang.

Instead of paying attention in class, Noah scratched his itch by looking at his phone, which finally had more gigs of data. He went on Incels.me and felt his heart drop.

Ropeornope- You look disgusting. You’ve got no chin and your eyebrows are giant bushes. I’d say a 1/10. Find a sub-3 girl and you’ll have a chance. Maybe.

Ricecel- I’d say you’re a 3/10, but your tiny wrists threaten to put that number into the negative. Like, dude, you sure you’re a guy? My dick’s thicker than both of those things combined.

Lookcel404- 2/10. No femoid’s going to go after a deformed chinless dude like you. And why has no one pointed out your eyes? You look like a fucking femoid with them, so your only hope is to go for a pseudo-lesbian or some shit like that.

There were several more but the teacher asked Noah a question so he didn’t look at the rest. When school ended, Chad asked Noah if he could hang out at his place. 

When Noah asked why, Chad responded, ‘I’m curious. I want to see what it looks like.’

‘Am I some kind of zoo animal?’ Noah asked with a sneer, but he ended up leading Chad to his place in his old beat-up car, with Chad driving behind him in his shiny new car.

The wide one-story house stood in the middle of two palm trees whose dark leaves made the creamy walls stand out. The pebbled walkway to the house was lined with punch bowl godetias and California poppies. Between the letterbox and the stone-bordered pond was a grey limestone statue, about the height of the letterbox, of a cat sitting on a pillar. That statue made Chad forget about his initial disappointment upon seeing such a quaint, normal house.

When Noah opened the door, he was greeted by the loud meow of a silver cat with carbon-grey stripes. Chad was about to take in the features of the house’s interior but this kitty was much too distracting.

She rubbed herself against Chad’s legs. Noah chuckled. ‘Even cats like Chads, apparently,’ he said as he picked her up. He grabbed her paw and shook it up and down. ‘This is Mittens. Mom chose the name, so don’t call me a normie.’ Chad lightly tapped the cat’s head. Noah frowned and grabbed Chad’s hand, stroking the soft-furred cat with it. ‘Do it properly. Mittens deserves the best.’  The sudden grin on Noah’s face spread warmth throughout Chad’s heart. 

Noah’s bedroom was a mix of expected and unexpected things. There were anime posters on the walls and figurines in a display cabinet, of course, but there were also model planes in that same cabinet. The bed was covered with a knitted quilt decorated with kittens. Near the door was a large wooden desk with a gaming laptop on it. Next to the laptop was a mirror.

The mirror faced the other way, so Chad turned it and saw a little crack in the corner. Noah stormed up to him, shoved his hand away and put it back.

‘I’ll die if I look into that damn thing again. I’d break it, but it’d make me look even uglier.’

Chad chuckled with a raised eyebrow. ‘What? Who told you you’re ugly?’

Noah sat on the bed, wrapping his fingers around his slender wrists. ‘Haven’t you got eyes? Look at these skinny things! They’re probably smaller than the average dick. I shouldn’t have bothered teaming up with you. I’m ugly as sin, practically deformed.’ He ran his hand up his neck and rested it against his chin. ‘My chin’s weak. Maybe if it was a few inches longer, I’d be able to get any girl interested, but no. I’m stuck with this chin and this overgrown nose and these pimples that make me look like I’ve got the plague. I’m surprised no foid has fainted in horror when looking at me yet.’ When he saw Chad stare at him, he covered his face.

Chad walked up to him and leaned down towards him, grabbing his wrists and dragging them down. Noah flailed but wasn’t strong enough. Chad let go of one of his wrists and took off his glasses, getting a closer look at him. He pushed his bangs away.

‘What are you talking about? You’re…’

There weren’t many pimples on Noah’s face, at least no more than Chad did most of the time. His nose wasn’t overgrown at all despite what he claimed, just slightly Romanesque. He was right about his chin not being huge but he seemed to miss the fact that it made his face look soft and welcoming. 

As Noah bit his medium-sized lips in embarrassment, Chad basked in their sultriness. To him they were the absolute perfect size.

Noah’s thick eyebrows prevented his large round eyes from overwhelming his face, though those eyes were what Chad focused on the most. They were a brilliant shade of peridot and framed by long lashes.

Chad gulped, his eyes making him look like a fish on land. ‘… hot…’

Noah mustered enough strength to push his arms off him and take his glasses back. ‘Thanks, way to make me feel great about wearing glasses. You’re a real charmer, you.’

As he put them back on, he saw that Chad was continuing to gawk at him. ‘Still… hot…’ Chad whispered. ‘Then again, glasses are my…’ He coughed the final word away, straightened his back and walked back to the mirror, picking it up and showing it to him. Once again Noah covered his face and, just as before, Chad pulled his hands away. ‘See? You’re fine. What kind of girl would run away from this?’

Instead of looking at his reflection, he looked up at Chad. As their eyes met they just stared at each other in wide-eyed silence.

Tears built up in Chad’s eyes. He blinked them away and dropped the mirror onto Noah’s lap. He picked up his bag and rushed out of the room.

Even after escaping the house, Chad could feel his heartbeat throughout his entire body. Shivers kept swimming down his skin and his hands became drenched in sweat.

‘Fuck,’ he hissed. ‘Not again.’

[martian-m]

Feline

Pairing: Cheryl Blossom x reader Word count: 2,624 A/N: Requested by anon! hiya anon! hope you enjoy this fic hihu

MY REQUESTS ARE OPEN UNTIL JUNE 2 YO

It’s been exactly five years right now, August 14, 2024, since me and Cheryl graduated from NYU school of Law while also passing the New York bar exam which in lieu certified us into being lawyers. Talk about goals right? Well, currently we are in our mid-twenties, 25, and have been together for the longest time – 7 years. No, we are not married yet. Just to give a brief recap, we started dating by Junior year after the fiasco of finding out the killer of Jason Blossom, my best friend and brother of Cher. ((She hates that nickname if anyone else says it, but if it’s only me then she can tolerate it))

I walk down the sidewalk of the city that never sleeps, New York, in my tailor-fit suit, minding my own business and trying to come up with a plan that would make our flat/living space livelier. After 5 minutes of trying in vain to come up with an idea, I dialed Veronica’s number. ‘Riiiing’ ‘Riiiing’ ‘Rii – “This is Mrs. Veronica Cooper-Lodge speaking,”

“Hey V, it’s (Y/N)” “(Y/N)!! BETTY HUN, (Y/N)’S ON THE PHONE WITH ME” Veronica yelled away from the phone. *voice in the background* “shush V, you’re gonna wake up Xavier” “sorry, but come over here!!” Veronica replied half whispering and half yelling. “Hello (Y/N), aka Godmother of Xavier, oh thank you by the way for his mini batman costume, he loves it soooo much!” Betty finally replied through the phone as I was placed in speaker mode. “No problem Betts, anything for my nephew. Anyway, I need your advice guys” I replied with a sigh. As soon as you launch into your dilemma with Cheryl wanting your living space to be livelier and “lacks a certain element”, you sigh running your hand through your hair  as you finish updating V&B on the happenings between you and Cheryl, “so, what do you guys think?” “buy her flowers?” Betty says. “no, no…ummm…do you guys have a pet? Veronica asked. “no, we don’t have. Why??” I replied slightly confused why the subject suddenly changed. “that’s it!!! Get a pet!..but what pet though….” Veronica asked loudly. “maybe a cat? Since they poop in their own sandbox and are somewhat trained, not that I have anything against dogs.” Betty suggested. “not because she digs pussy as well?” Veronica asked while laughing “oh my god Ronnie” Betty commented while laughing at the crude joke as you could hear an audible slap through the phone. “you guys always crack me up at the same time are super helpful, I miss you all.”   “aw (Y/N), we miss you too. You and Cheryl should come by and visit us! Archie, Val, Teresa, and Juggie are coming by the end of August and I’m absolutely sure Xavier would be excited to see you both” Betty replied. “You mean he’d be excited to see Cheryl?”, I replied with amusement evident in my voice. “Aw (Y/N) of course he’d be excited to see you too!” Veronica replied while giggling. “Alright, alright. We’ll be sure to visit you three in California by the end of August.” I replied as I lightly chuckled. “ see you soon (Y/N)!” Betty replied. “YEAH AND GET THE PUSSYCA-“ Veronica replied loudly as Betty hit the end call button.

Shaking my head at the antics of my childhood friends, I immediately searched for the nearest pet shop so I could adopt a pet feline in need of a home. I am now a woman on a mission. [after 5 hours] After looking at the various cats for adoption, I took in this 8 month old munchkin cat that immediately came up to me as I stepped into the area for the cats to interact with the possibility of being adopted. A lot of them shied away from me but this one cat, named Tibby, came up to me to smell my loafers and slacks until she rubbed her whole body on my leg. ‘I need a 5 lint removers….’ as I thought to myself, but as she looked up to me I instantly melted seeing her hazel – almost amber eyes. Let’s just say I instantly adopted her and went on a shopping spree for all the cat necessities.

As I drove back to the flat, I let out Tibby to nestle on my lap while I was driving. I could already tell that this cat was gonna be spoiled and pampered all the time, by me. I just hope Cheryl will love her as much as I already do. Biting my lip I speed dialed Cheryl and connected the call to my Bluetooth earpiece since it was later than usual that I came home. Knowing she would start to worry, flood me with texts, and call nonstop if I dint contact her first. The first ring didn’t even get through as she answered the call immediately, “Riiii- Baby? Where are you?? Are you okay?? Are you on your wa-“ Cheryl rambled on as worry flooded her voice. “Hey hey. Babe, I’m totally fine. Yes, I’m driving, using my earpiece mind you and I’m on my way home. I just went shopping for something both of us would maybe find joy in?” I cut her off to somewhat relieve her from worrying too much. After Jason’s death, she became more worried than usual, it isn’t bad or anything, I find it quite endearing. “oh God. That’s great to hear. Oh? What did you get??” Relief immediately flooded her voice. “you’re gonna find out soon as I get home” I replied adding a tune to the words as a teased her, knowing she loves surprises. “you’re such a tease (Y/N). I’m cooking dinnerrrr~ you better come home soon!” Cheryl replied amusement apparent in her voice. “yes love, I’m actually 5 minutes away. Just gonna park the car and head up to you. I love you! See you!” I somewhat hastily replied as Tibby started yawn and meow at the same time as to reaching up my earpiece. “I love you too, baby. See you!” Appearing to not notice my hurried reply, she replied cheerily. I always let her end the call. A soon as she did, I let out a breathe of relief and peered down at Tibby, who was just seated at my lap looking at me as well. I tried to place her in the cage but as I opened the door to the cage she immediately nestled on my shoulder. Apparently not having the heart to take her off my shoulder, I proceeded to get all the things I ‘cat necessities’ bought and reached the elevator. As soon as the doors to the elevator opened, I somewhat wished it didn’t since the only person occupying the elevator was the same floor neighbor, Katy Harrison. I’m not practically fond of her since Cheryl discussed this theory that Katy likes me. All I know is that if your girl doesn’t like that girl, you don’t ever interact with her at all. But alas, as I loaded the things on the elevator with Tibby on my shoulder, she just had to help me while peering on the feline currently somewhat growling at her.

‘This is secretly Cheryl’s spirit animal’ I joked to myself. I didn’t have to say what floor since she lives on the same floor as me and Cheryl. So nodded my thanks to her, again I regretted my decision. I guess she took it as an invitation to talk to me. I mentally kick myself.  We started off with small talk on how my day was and all, I didn’t ask her on how hers was. Until she had the sneaky audacity to ask me out, “So (Y/N), there’s this event I’m hosting tomorrow night.. and I was wondering if you wanted to attend it? You can bring Cherry with you.” “I’m sorry Kaitlyn, I’m going out with Cheryl tomorrow night.” Yes, I purposely said her name wrong. I mean she knows Cheryl and I know she knows my girlfriend’s name so I don’t take the show of disrespect lightly. As we approached out floor I gripped tightly the bags to dash out the elevator as soon as it opens to not give her the chance to reply. ‘Ding’ I gripped my bags, cat tower and dashed the fuck outta there. I was walking fast to the door of my flat, until I heard heels clicking my way…meaning this Katy lady was coming at my direction. ‘Fuck’ I thought as I dinged the doorbell of the flat knowing Cheryl is there. The steps where getting closer. ‘Fuck fuck fuck’ I repeated to myself, finally I heard the door unlock and click open with Cheryl my goddess about to greet me with a hug, but saw Tibby perched on my shoulder peering down curiously at her. “Babe, who’s this?” Cheryl questioned with a smirk showing her amusement. “Her name is Tibby and SURPRISE!!!” Trying in vain to do the jazz hands, until the moment was destroyed as we heard a cough behind me. As I stepped in to step behind Cheryl, we saw Katy at by the door. Holding one of the bags I accidentally left in the elevator in my sudden rush trying to leave. Glancing at Cheryl, I saw this expression I hadn’t seen since high school. Hey ‘ice queen bitch face’ as she labeled it to be. I groaned to internally to myself while Tibby was sensing my internal struggle. I took her off my shoulder and held her in my arm as I placed a hand on Cheryl’s shoulder. Katy started to talk not even giving recognition to Cheryl which in turn I guess fueled Cheryl’s anger, “Hey (Y/N), you left this in the elevator” “Tha-“ “Thank you Katherine, we’ll just have dinner okay? Byee” Taking the bag and slamming the door on her face, Cheryl turned around to look at me as she placed a hand on my face, “She didn’t try anything did she?” Cheryl questioned. “well after she tragically tried to ask me out and being rejected again” I replied as I pulled her close to me while kissing her forehead while avoiding squishing Tibby.

“I swear. Why can’t she just get someone who isn’t taken?? Ughh”Cheryl closed her eyes as she pinched the  bridge of her nose in frustration but slowly breathed out slowly. Opening her eyes to look at me and Tibby, “I’m glad you’re home, let’s go eat dinner before it gets cold” grabbing my free hand leading me to the dining area with Tibby still in my other arm.

[Cheryl’s POV]

Plans were cancelled yet AGAIN. Tossing my phone on the bed, I lie on my back again feeling the disappointment wash away and get replaced with annoyance. It’s not like I haven’t noticed the lack of affection, communication, and attention I was getting from (Y/N). She was taking my (Y/N) away from me ever since she arrived here. I thought she would be harmless but no, that cat has been nothing but a girlfriend stealer.

“UGHHHHHHHHHHH” I groaned loudly. I need my girlfriend too you know? I mean being with here for 8 years has me expecting her to pop the question anytime now, not bringing a cat home. As I roll my eyes, I could hear the door of our flat open and close, signaling that (Y/N) and the fucking cat arrived home. “Cheryl! Babe, I’m home!” Deciding not to respond, I turned my back away from the bedroom door hugging a pillow next to me as I somewhat pout. Hearing the footsteps coming closer I still retained my position. I felt the bed dip in the opposite side and feel (Y/N) crawling to me, with her chin resting on my shoulder and the front of her body flush against my back she started to apologize and talk, “ Babe, I’m so sorry for cancelling our plans for tonight….I bought Chinese food, your favorite, a tub of Vanilla ice cream and also downloaded the movies and series’ you’ve been dying to watch……are you still mad? Do you forgive me?”

Turning to look at her, my annoyance and anger slipped away as I saw the genuine sincerity of how (Y/N) truly is sorry. Also, the fact that I can’t stay mad at her for too long. I mean what the heck, 8 years together and you’re bound to be each other’s soft spot. Instead I sigh and smile at her, “Well apology accepted and I’m glad that you’re home but that doesn’t mean you’re off the hook that easily” I kissed her on the cheek while bounding off to the living room to settle on the couch knowing (Y/N)’s gonna set up everything. ~ After a marathon of Friends, (Y/N) suddenly went to the bathroom before asking me if I could get Tibby for her, Rolling my eyes once again, I called Tibby’s name only to be attacked from below as she jumped on my legs. Yelping at the surprise attack, Tibby immediately nestled on my lap. Glaring at the cat while I pet her fur I suddenly felt this weird lump on her neck. Investigating thee weird lump, it came out to be a fortune cookie. Confused, I cracked it open to see a folded paper inside. I put the cracked fortune cookie at one side as I begin to unfold the paper. As I scanned it, I was stunned as I read the few lines,

‘ Me and Chandler share few similar sentiments as Chandler loves Monica and how I love you, Turn around.’

Shocked I stood up and turned around to find, my love, my rock and my one and only on one knee as she was surrounded by various flowers in boxes, only opening up to me so I could step in the circle of bouquets,

“From the moment I saw you in freshman year as I came back to Riverdale, my heart knew something in secret that my mind and I wasn’t privy to until a year and a half later as we started dating, it’s that you are my soulmate, my one true love. People look for this kind of love for the rest of their lives and I am grateful to God that I found it with you. I love you with all my heart, mind, soul, and I will choose you and us every day through the up’s and down’s.”- (Y/N) let a shaky breathe out and wiped the corner of her right eye while continuing. “As Chandler said to Monica, “You make me happier than I ever thought I could be and if you let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way”….. so Cheryl Blossom, will you allow me to be the Chandler to your Monica?” Crying freely I stepped into the circle of flowers and nodded as I couldn’t trust me voice at the moment. (Y/N) took the ring out of the Tiffany’s box and slid it on my ring finger. It was a perfect fit. (Y/N) suddenly lifted me up in her arms as she kissed me deeply and took me back to the couch so that we could continue watching Friends. Tibby made her way to us and perched herself on my lap, I smiled at the cat while scratching the back of her ear gently knowing she played a major part in this all. ‘I guess I’m starting to like you after all’ I thought to myself. Closing my eyes with comfort in my heart knowing this is for the long run and this isn’t the end of the surprises life has in store for us.