#and i'm not smart enough to go into any kind of healthcare (i couldn't handle the pressure and the workload anyway) | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

anaalnathrakhs · 3 months ago

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i'm in a. not good place rn. started school proper today and the whole day was a constant flip-flop between the usual "i'm not good enough, i'll never manage this workload, this is way too much for me, i suck, everyone else is so much smarter, i barely worked this summer, my high school results were just a fluke, i don't have the baggage" etc etc. but when i manage to correct what i know is wrong, to dedramatize, to compare myself to the reality of other people's work and skills, to figure out what i can realistically do, and overall calm myself down from the panic. then i start remembering that i'm in a field with either WAY hard options that don't interest me in the slightest, or useless jobs that don't pay jack shit. or the hybrid, useless jobs that are WAY hard. so like. yay me. great job wasting all that potential YET AGAIN. so i go back to feeling like i can't do anything worthwile in this cursus because it's a wee bit more comfortable.

#so basically i have to either go the whole way and become an academic professor/researcher #which is way too hard for me and makes me want to kill myself a little #or choose from among a sea of options that are either also way too hard or useless capital U #like ''good luck freelancing with no clients and shit pay-per-job model in a dying field that was already crap before''#i'm addicted to delaying the start of any actual life where i have to make decisions other than Go To School and Follow Instructions #because i have no fucking idea what that would even look like #i have very little skills or social ease #i'm kind of a crap hire #so i know my only option is to study and learn bullshit skills to get a bullshit job that'll at least pay enough #and i'm learning bullshit skills. to secure a bullshit job. and i'm not happy because it's hard and it feels empty.#and i'm not smart enough to go into any kind of healthcare (i couldn't handle the pressure and the workload anyway)#and i'm just a shit person i'm a big neet piece of shit who got used to it young and now i can't handle an actual life in society #woooooo all of that to waste everyone's time and money and end up back at square one anyway!!#broadcasting my misery #vent

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