#and i was just like yeah but what about this dumbass comedian

[penelopepitstopp]

It's World Diabetes Day!

Update: it is no longer World Diabetes Day. We did it guys! We're cured!

So here is Ed Gamble (diagnosed T1 aged thirteen) devouring eight desserts in a row as a judge on Great British Menu and having an absolutely lovely time.

plus a few words from the greedy boy himself:

Ed Gamble, Glutton: The Multi-Course Life of a Very Greedy Boy, 2023

and finally a lil bonus arms, cat, Dexcom appreciation

[bitchimasnake-sss]

the monster trio (but make it highschool!au);

basically, what if these mf weren't illiterate?? highschool!au headcanons for the monster trio!!

m.list

luffy:

- the class comedian (and doesn't know it) - like this man is out here just going about his day, doing stupid shit. he doesn't know why the class is laughing when the teacher asks him what he's doing and he says "eating. want some?" through a mouthful of doritos and a shit-eating grin - everyday, atleast once, he gets sent to the principle (the principle is garp lmao) and garp sends luffy back to the teacher because even he doesn't wanna deal with this precious himbo

- he runs track (and he is actually so good at it) - he's that one kid that has adhd and the whole school knows but he doesnt "adhd? what's that?" "you, luffy, that's you" - his homework? never complete; his handwriting? so shit it feels like ants crawling on paper; his uniform? something has to be missing always whether it's a button on his shirt, tie, belt, something. - one time he pulled up with one sock missing and when asked, he shrugged and said "sometimes things happen" - why did he say it like that??? - somehow, despite it all, he manages to pass (nami tutored him forcefully and made him pay her later) - best friends with the martial artist!zoro and cooking prodigy!sanji - nobody knows how these three are friends??? but they are ig - also, i headcannon him as the guy who is like 4 feet and after one summer comes back stretched out (hehe, pun intended) - always so kind to others even if he doesn't know them, always willing to help freshmen out and run errands for you if you need help - nobody knew he is related to his older brothers (ace, sabo) "how are you their brother??" "idk? how am i??" - just the bestest boy ever, golden retriever energy all day every day no matter what universe it is

zoro:

- you take one look at this mf and you think, ah here is the classic delinquent, stick-up-his-ass martial artist and you couldnt be more wrong - he is never dressed right but that's cause he doesn't know how to tie a tie and listen if he had the willpower to find the right socks at 7 in the morning, he will - he is just an incompetent fool, trust me 😭😭 - gets late on the regular cause he always takes the wrong turn - the one "jock" who isn't anything like a stereotypical jock? like he hangs out with soon-to-be valedictorian nami, idiot luffy, theatre kid!ussop and cook!sanji - nobody can understand how this friend group was formed??? - actually gets asked out a decent amount of times and always says "nah, im good" and walks away to his friends - people are starting to suspect if he's dating luffy from how hard their bromance is going "zolo!!! gooDMORNING!!" luffy yells as he launches onto zoro in the middle of the hallway at 8:03 am on a random tuesday zoro casually drops his backpack to catch luffy "morning" zoro replies as if it's casual behaviour - the amount of trophies the school has in his name is insane (nation level martial artist, roronoa zoro) - he is actually decent at school, he is just average and he's fine by it he doesn't give all that much of a shit in the academic sphere - casually pulls up to the parents-teacher meet with thE FUCKING WORLD REKNOWNED MARTIAL ARTIST, DRACULE MIHAWK??? "i see he passed in all his exams. how wonderful, zoro. let's leave now." "aight" - he doesn't even think twice when asked if he knows mihawk, he's just like "yeah that's my dad what about him?" - a certified dumbass in every universe

sanji:

- listen to me this mf went to masterchef junior and fucking won and people only know this cause the school hyped him up and not because he wanted people to know "omg sanji did you actually win-" "no that was my twin brother sanjo, please leave me alone" - actually prim and properly dressed, shows up at time everyday and gives in all of his assignments and submissions well before the due date (he is partially responsible for keeping zoro and luffy on track) - he was the one making cupcakes when nami was organizing a fundraiser for a nearby orphanage, he was the one who baked cookies cause sabo wanted to hand them out on his last day of school, he was the one who baked cakes for his classmate's surprise birthday party - rumor has it if you get on good terms with sanji, a mysterious box of homemade chocolate will be there in your locker the next day - despite all the hype he has, mf still gets no girls - like luffy, he is insanely kind to those who need help - has gotten almost suspended once for beating up a senior year kid for bullying a freshmen (luffy and zoro just stood by and laughed as that kid got his ass handed to him) - he is the son of THE FUCKING OWNER OF BARATIE, A FIVE STAR MICHELLIN RESTAURANT THAT IS FREQUENTED BY CELEBRITIES ALL THE TIME "omg omg sanji is it true that the rock visited your restaurant last night?!" "yeah, his daughter wanted to eat my tiramisu, she's really sweet" - so chill always (but simultaneously losing his shit) - the kinda person you'd love hanging out with - as i said, in any universe, he is still single (feed him the rizz rizz fruit pls)

a/n: tried something new tell me do you like it or love it? m.list

[austinsastrology8991]

Mercury in da HoUSe (s) mercury and why you think your smart - you only think your smart, you don't even know if you are because you can't think any other way. I dont care if people tell you your smart, they don't even know if they are smart because they have the same dilemma as you....... but if you think your dumb your probs right.... okay enough chit chat we gotta do some astrollogy >> Mercury in the first - These guys talk the talk, hella good at talking, talk too much, but at least they know how to talk. but it gives everyone in the rooom a headache. also there voices go a million directions... they like to put on voices. actually i hate your voice. its too earpiercing its like your looking at there voice even if you look away. how are you able to make me look at yo voice, its meant to be auditory but i can fucking see it STFUUUU Mercury in the second - I like money but not as much as this guy. this guy will think of every scam, every business every investment possible just to prove his worth (typically with money) as kids they are hustlers with money, everyone knows they gonna make coin, but typically as they get older, money don't mean shit to them and they start investing into something substantial and if they dont grow outta this mindset, they become shells of themselves like bill gates or the amazon guy. mercury in the third - okay these guys are actually smart, but its almost hard to tell. because there intelljgence isn't attached to anything beside intelligence itself. so its hard to notice, but they are very smart people. quick learners but i notice not quick thinkers, or at least they don't voice it much. which i guess makes them smart because they ploying liek dat mercury in the fourth - subtle intelligence, almost manipulative intelligence, they are the types to make you make a point jsut so they can point out the flaws in your point rather than make a argument themselves.... then make an argument once yours has been smashed to pieces. assholes honestly... but i rate it its just smart tactics but make em talk first and they speechless lmao mercury in the fifth - funny yes your funny, yes i see what you did there, oh yes this next joke is also funny because it ties in with your last joke.. did i mention your funnY? oh im not that funny, well im sorry i can't do it like you becayse yourr liek for real funny. okay can someone else speak now, this guys voice wasn't annoying but now it is. fr comedians but every comedian over do it, and so do they mercury in the sixth - annoying intelligence, always pointing out the flaws in whatever the fuck you just said. like dude im trying my best to think, to then speak it, and to respect you as a person. and your lookjing for flaws, in my speech? oh you can't help it? well i can't help but not wanna talk to you. annoyingly nitpicky with what i say you say she say, why so serious? oh your too smart? thats what every dumbass has ever said to me stfu. mercury in the seventh - always on your back, but can you get off my back, im still working on my argument i dont need you to suck me off about it jeezes. id rather you criticize me honestly. oh now your critical of me. well why can't you just think for yourself. oh you don't know how to. you only don't know how to because you just wanna learn more and more and more and more and more. and now you dont know how to think for yourself. congrats you played yoself mercury in the eighth - so mysterious wow so profound, i never saw it that way. no you just were thinking of something cool to say this whole time and you jsut thought of it. your only quiet so you dont look like a fool. insecure bitch ass. oh but now you just wanna insult me yeah thats because i called you out. honestly these guys are just looking for a deep chat, and its only deep because they were digging for so long.

mercury in the ninth - these guys know way too much bullshit. like they read a lot and just spit random facts and its hard to talk to them without feeling patronized. like yeah we get it, you read a lot. most peole don't because we like to be a human, not live in a book. go outside its nice. oh thats where you get your information > outside, books, the world is your dictionary - god you really are annoying. oh you knew that already. fuck off man.

mercury in the tenth - shrewd; always thinking and saying the best possible thing to say for each scenario, and its typically just sayings they read in hustler books, or what they dad said once. yeah your street smart, but no one else advertises it as much as you, which means you don't understand the streets as well as you think. yep thats right re-strategise; they just wanna own the streets i swear. and no one tries as hard as them. and thats saying something mercury in the eleventh - stop protesting you mong, you really think convincing us the realities of the world, will change the world? oh itll start the butterfly effect, okay true go on, tell us how eating veggies gonna stop the meat industry. oh you were just saying this crap for bants. yep that was annoying. oh now you wanna talk about how attitudes has shaped the world, dude why you always trying to integrate everysingle philsophy of the world into one conversation. you do realise its all bullshit? but everyone likes em because they invite everyone in on the conversation... hey someone gota do it Mercury in the twelfth - these guys are the worst i swear, cant be more manipulative than these lot, they will act innocent, but come at you aggressivly, and itll just confuse ya. youll think they just dumb and naive but they klnow damn well what da hell they doing. play yo game with someone else... oh you don't like to play with them because they fall for your shit, yep so you only like people who set you straight ehhhh you should just come at me straight or ill set you straight. oh you just struggle with convos well it shows.

[princess-glassred]

No pennywise no juniper hills au where Richie has a podcast as a side gig when he's not doing comedy, and as a bit of a joke he thinks it would be funny if he did an episode where he invites his childhood bully on as a guest. Henry is working as a janitor and his life just kinda sucks now, so he agrees to it. It's a very funny episode of the podcast, but the down side is its TOO funny, and now he's forced to keep inviting Henry back until he's essentially a cohost at this point. Everytime Henry's on he basically just says the most out of pocket insane shit, because even though he never killed anyone or went to juniper hills in this au he's still a total nutcase.

He's dumb, a chronic liar, and just all around pretty fucking weird so everybody likes when Richie has him on cause it's funny. Especially with the way Richie is genuinely quite smart and witty guy, so his absolute baffled expression at everything Henry says is like the funniest thing ever. Just their weird ass dynamic of "Bumfuck nowhere Janitor with a heaping of mental issues that's a dumbass" and "Actually smart, rich leftist comedian with no patience for his ex-bully's bullshit" makes the podcast really popular. Even when Henry is saying bigoted homophobic shit, it's balanced out ny how Richie just reiterates that he's a fucking idiot.

Average Podcast conversation basically goes like this:

R: Man, remember when you used to call me the F slur and shit.

H: Yeah, good times, it was fun.

R: The funny part is I'm actually gay now, so I guess you were kinda right about that one, huh.

H: Cool.

R: Cool? Just cool??

H: I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do Richie? Kick your ass? I see fags all the time at work now, as long as you don't try to fuck my butt or something I can deal with it for an hour.

R: Ew, dude you gotta realize not everyone wants to fuck you.

H: Impossible.

R: Henry, do you honestly believe there is nobody in the world who isn't attracted to you?

H: I mean, I never said they had to be attracted to me, I just said everyone wants to fuck me.

R: Oh my god- *buries his face in his hands*

H: *Looks to crew member* This guy is a really bad cohost, you know? First he doesn't even pay me and no he says no one wants to sleep with me.

R: What?

H: Don't get paid.

R: I literally do pay you.

H: No.

R: Yes, I do, you're just making shit up for attention again.

H: When you think about it, this is basically slavery.

R:... •_•

H:... •_•

R:... •_•

H: Unpaid labor is slavery.

R: I fucking can't with you.

[wonderful-rp-resources]

A Very out-of-context set of Sentence Starters from my Discord server.

Add names to blanks Change pronouns as necessary!

"Murder in marriage is normal and healthy."

"Oh haha, yeah lobotomize them."

"Metaphorically speaking, I cannot tell you if you serve cunt or not."

"The sins better be crawling up my back because if they do at the front they're going to have two massive obstacles"

"You're a really predictable person_ _ _ and it's really funny to me, I want to crush you under my arm <3"

"Clearly you've never had a premium rock roast and I'm so sorry for you."

"I dont know I haven't sniffed you."

"Cock and ball torture for anxiety and ocd hell yeah!"

"Bimbos are the larval form of milfs."

"I will slow down im just carbonated to meet you."

"They are homoerotic and homoirritating."

"The uggs do make my soul frown, I'll give credit to that."

"I dont have good or bad habits I just enter a state somewhere between a robot and a bad stand-up comedian and that's how the stuff happens."

"She went to evil hell college where you summon devils."

"I do nothing but put beasts in a situation that's why they call me the border collie."

"The lore exists. If I'm feeling particularly zesty and tased I'll drop two sentences."

"Hi _ _ _, I'm the devil on your shoulder and even I agree that you probably shouldn't pull up hot ass in a nice restaurant."

"Vagina so powerful it does what walruses do to clams."

"Yes, we established _ _ _ has the walrus mouth vagina."

"Never assume I can't be hornier."

"That is a man held together by crust and spite."

"I can't, I was assassinated so I wouldn't snitch about the squeaky toy noises."

"I WAS AGREEING THAT THEY LOOK LIKE CHICKEN NUGGETS YOU SOGGY SALAMI."

"_ _ _ is more likely to take you on a date killing homeless people."

"I won but it was embarrassing."

"He's just hanging loose like a tit that's escaped its harness."

"_ _ _ trying very hard not to bring up his girlfriend (the Cambrian period.)"

"Lick my boots but we stay silly."

"I keep thinking he's a weird god ascended form of Jerry Seinfeld."

"I dont think that's a good idea _ _ _ would become a stick of incense in 5 seconds flat for sneezing microaggressively."

"She has disabled the flap in my esophagus i choke on a gulp of tea instantly."

"We have from the left: Thembo, Himbo, tiny himbo, bimbo, And bitch."

"Keep your mouth open so I can shove my fist inside."

"I wanna enjoy dinner, not watch someone get snapped in half like a KitKat bar."

"My standards for a good partner are non-existent, if I raised the bar remotely, Not only would he TRIP, but he'd fall backward and break a hip."

"Good luck it's behind six layers of 4chan."

"It is fine. the conversation needed to end anyway. please continue your vegetation exultation."

"I have normal amounts of radiation for a horse."

"What does a planet have to do with a music genre?"

"Fear not, I will not be kissing misogynists any time soon."

"Pain is weakness leaving the body."

"You were born at an incredibly old age."

"You seem like you would be an entry on the villains wiki."

"I don't bite strangers….that's an easy way to catch diseases, dumbass."

"...So his unhappiness is only half my fault."

"It's ok buddy, I've licked dirt too."

[petitprincess1]

The most common complaints I've heard ever since becoming interested in the Helluva Boss show: Antis/Critism: Hey wait! Helluva Boss is supposed to be about three comedian imps, a boring stereotypical moody hellhound and a horny one-dimensional owl. What? What do you mean these gay characters were given actual personalities and the show became more meaningful than that! This isn't what I signed up for! This is pure false advertisement! That's not how Helluva Boss is supposed to go! You lied to me Viviezop! It's only supposed to focus on I.M.P! Gay characters can't be taken seriously, they're always there in the show only for a laugh, everyone knows that! Stolas was supposed to be the villain and no, we don't want him to be gay. Stella should have always been his love-interest. Blitzo is a total dumbass for dumping Verosika! If Verosika were my girlfriend, I'd screw her like a screw-driller! So why didn't Blitzo! The show was at its best when it just focused on plain predictable assassination jobs. We don't need some big giant plot that's actually going somewhere! It focuses too much on Blitzo! I hate him as a character! Why can't it focus mainly on Moxxie or Fizzarolli!? Why did Stella have to be an evil villain with no sad tragic backstory! You know there's no such thing as villainous evil women! And why didn't Viviezop..(head explodes, spraying party confetti everywhere)

Yeah....that's uh....that's about the sum of it.

Although, you forgot to mention when there's development in the show, they get pissed bc it's not the development that THEY WANTED. Honestly, even fans do that too. It's kinda annoying.

I'm not saying that ppl can't be disappointed. It's just a bit much to harp on it for months, if not years. Like, what's done is done. Let it go.

[ontheshroom]

G.O.A.T Talk Ft Y/N

Jack Harlow x reader x friend!druski

Fluff? Fun?

A/n: Repost, this took forever for me to edit

******************************

“Quiet on the set, camera speed, go ahead.” Jack nods to druski.

“Uh, welcome to goat talk this is Jack Harlow, and y/n and uh I’m here to check in.” Druski smiles confidently.

“Say your name, dumbass.” You laugh at Druski, causing both the boys to laugh.

“Well let’s do it one more time, I loved how you did it, just do it one more time.” The man behind the camera laughs.

“Like say your own name right?” Druski jokes, causing you all to laugh.

“Goat pickup line?” Druski asks picking up the first card.

“I’ll tell you what always works for me. I say ‘you know I really look at you as a sister.’” Jack smiles at Druski.

“And that worked on you y/n?” Druski asks smiling.

“Hell no, y’all no me if he would’ve said some stupid shit like that to me I would’ve treated him like a brother.” You laugh making a stank face.

“I just give them one good look,” Druski says trying to make his look. You make an off-putting face while Jack just stifles back a laugh.

“What is yours?” Jack asks you smiling.

“I say, ‘I heard you’re like the new hot white rapper out right now, yeah I’ve been following your music for a while.’ After never hearing a line of the song.” You nod biting back a smile. Both the boys break out in laughter as Jack puts his hand over his heart and acts hurt.

“Next card, damn!” He laughs as you go to pick up the next card.

“Goat stand-up comedian?” You ask the two boys.

Jack plays with his toothpick a bit as he thinks of the answer.

“Seinfeld.” He says causing you and Druski to break out in laughter and Druski to let out a ‘wow’.

“Seinfield or Chapel.” He corrects himself laughing.

“I gotta go with an oldie but a goodie, Cedric the Entertainer.” Druski nods.

“Damn good answer, I don’t know. Maybe I’ll go with Kevin Hart.” You smile taking the easy way out of the question.

“Goat chain in hip hop?” Jack asks looking at you both.

“I don’t have an answer for that one.” You laugh out.

“Have you ever seen Dj Drama’s barrack odrama chain?” Jack asks you both.

“No, I haven’t.” You and Druski both say.

“Yeah, Yeah,” Jack says nodding his head.

“Dem Franchise Boys had a chain I used to want.” Druski nods.

“Remind me what does it look like?” Jack asks him with a puzzled look on his face.

“Don’t remember.” Druski smiles causing you to break out in laughter.

“Goat sneaker?” Druski asks

“Y’all know the Steph Curry Underarmer?” Jack asks. You and Druski both nod.

“Low top or high top?” Druski asks chuckling.

“Low top.” Jack laughs.

“You know, I have to go with a loafer, I’m just a loafer guy. Sperry’s they’re classic.” Druski says playing with his toothpick.

“Good choice, I’m gonna go with converse. I think they’re comfortable.” You nod causing both the boys to laugh.

“What’s wrong with converse?” You exclaim making a puzzled face.“Nothing, nothing at all.” Jack chuckles shaking his head. You reach down to grab the card rolling your eyes at him.“Ooh, goat album?” You ask the boys looking between them both.

“I’m gonna go Late Registration, Kanye West,” Jack says looking at Druski.

“I’m gonna go Tha Carters Three.” He nods causing you and Jack to laugh.

“What’s wrong with that album?” He asks defensively. “Nothing it’s just something about you, Y/n what’s your goat album?” Jack asks you.“I’m gonna go with Lemonade by Beyonce. No skips.” You nod.

“Goat fast food restaurant?” Jack asks smiling at Druski.“Whoever set this up like this you’re sick.” He smiles looking past the camera.

“Hardee’s right?” Jack smiles nodding

“No, literally no one was going to say Hardee’s.” Druski laughs out causing you to laugh too.

“Mine is Raising Cane’s.” Druski states.

“Mine is probably Culver’s.” You smile

“What about you, Hardee’s?” Druski asks Jack smiling.

“It’s a tough answer you know all these fast food spots have all these politics tied to them.” Jack laughs.

“Oh come on it is not that deep,” Druski states rolling his eyes.

“You gotta be kidding.” You laugh at Jack.

“Hardee’s.” He states slamming the card down and chuckling.

“Goat childhood toy?” Druski asks Jack.

“I used to have the He-Man castle, you know who He-Man is don’t you?” Jack asks Druski causing Druski to shake his head no with a smile.

“Bop it,” Druski states causing Jack to laugh.

“Small brainchild, didn’t take much to entertain you.” He laughs at Druski.

“Hey! Don’t get on Druski because mine was those water games with the hoops and you gotta press the button to make the water flow and push the hoops onto the little poles.” You laugh looking at Jack.

“I just surround myself with idiots.” Jack laughs shaking his head causing you to lightly push his head and roll your eyes playfully.

“Oh no, the jokes that are gonna come with this one. Goat sex position?” You ask the boys causing them to break out in laughter.

“No, but it’s something I always specifically wanted to know from you, I just wanted to know how the fuck does this work?” Jack states looking at Druski smiling.

“Why? Why me.” Druski laughs.

“I like this one you don’t have to do too much, really you can be half asleep and she just rolls over on ya. You kinda gotta just like scoop under her and kinda just hit it like this.” Druski says motioning with his leg up causing you to laugh.

“What’s yours?” He asks Jack shaking his head.

“Well, you know what they call me.” He says smiling, his smile quickly dropping with Druski’s blank face.

“You know my nickname, my tik tok name.” He smiles at Druski.

“Ohhh, Missionary,” Druski states nodding his head. “Yeah, I mean I like it. It’s simple, it’s standard, it feels good, and you can dig in there.” Jack smiles.

“Dig in there?” You exclaim laughing.

“What’s yours?” Druski asks you smiling.

“Cowgirl.” You say quickly smiling, urging Jack to pick the next card.

Druski quickly daps up Jack and laughs.

“Goat rapper?” Jack asks.

“Be careful!” He laughs at Druski.

“I’m gonna go with Dj Unk.” Druski nods.

You and Jack just laugh and shake your heads.

“Playing it safe huh, escape with a joke?” Jack asks Druski smiling.

“I was being serious!” Druski says motioning his arms.

You and Jack both copy his actions and go ‘I was being serious!’

“How about yours?” Druski asks Jack.

“Drizzy, baby.” Jack says.

“I’m gonna go with Champagnepapi too.” You say nodding your head.

“Goat Jack Harlow song?” Druski asks you/

“Who the hell is Jack Harlow?” You smile scrunching your nose.

“She doesn’t know any of your songs!” Druski laughs out at Jack causing him to laugh.

“First of all I know more than you, I’m gonna go with What’s Poppin.” You laugh. Both the boys break out in laughter.

“I really like that one song you have that goes ‘turn off the lights let the moon shine through the skies’ I really like your voice on that one,” Druski says singing the song.

You break out in laughter. Jack was able to hold his composure but the second he heard you burst out laughing he couldn’t hold his in.

“I think mine is keep it light for the writing,” Jack says interlinking his fingers.

“Goat vaccination spot? They’re trying to get political.” Jack says showing the card to Druski and smiling.

“What is even going on- that says vacation you dumbass. How the fuck. How did you even read vaccination.” Druski asks Jack.

You break out in laughter once again.

“My fault, vacation, goat vacation spot.” Jack smiles.

“How did you even get vaccination spot?” You laugh at Jack. Jack just motions around his head causing you and Druski to laugh.

“I like this place called Massanutten, Virginia,” Druski says causing you and Jack to laugh. You had laughed so much during this interview your stomach was starting to hurt

“Why are y’all laughing? Me and my family vacation there a lot. You can do so much there. You can fish, ride horses, you can even go to the indoor waterpark.” Druski states getting serious that just makes you laugh more leaning on Jack.

“Michigan,” Jack says quickly.

“What’s in Michigan?” You ask him with a cocked eyebrow.

“If you know you know.” Jack laughs causing you to roll your eyes

“I like to vacation in my hometown, really feel the vibes, being there really makes me want to leave too so when I finally get back home I feel super happy to be home.” You state chuckling.

“Okay well, that was goat talk with Y/n, Druski, and Jack Harlow! Thanks for watching.” Jack says to the camera.

“Now what the fuck is in Michigan?” You ask him with a smile on your face, the camera was still rolling and they decided to keep it in thinking it was funny.

“I said if you know you know.” Jack smiles taking the toothpick from his mouth and kissing you.

[missuswalker]

LOVE LOVE LOVE UR WRITING!!! pt 3 for notes?? 😼😼

THANK YOUUU 😻 why did i know this was coming 👩‍🌾

notes, pt. three || craig tucker x fem reader

✮ summary: after dating for two months, you and craig are inseparable (part four here) ✮ warnings: suggestive themes (just a joke and some silly action) and cutesy cutesy craig (as cute as he can get) and also going against my own hcs for a split second

"You look stupid," my boyfriend snorts from his bed, watching me look in his full length mirror. Boyfriend. Jesus, that's still so foreign to me. Not having a boyfriend, just the fact that my boyfriend is Craig.

"I look great," I say, fixing his dumbass blue hat on my head. "I should wear this to school on Monday. Maybe I'll become a chick magnet just like you." I simply receive the middle finger, his attention focused on whatever is on his phone.

Rolling my eyes, I walk over to him, sitting at the edge of his bed. "I hate you," I joke, smacking him with the hat. He snatches it out of my hand, throwing it behind him. "Yeah, ok," he responds, a smug look on his face. "I do. You're annoying."

He puts his phone down, looking up at me with a deadpan expression. Just as he's about to say something, a banging comes from the other side of the door.

"CRAIG, I KNOW YOU HAVE MY NOTEBOOK! I KNOW YOU TOOK IT," Tricia shouts, continuing to bang on the door. Craig merely blinks, turning back to look at me. "Ignore her, I don't have her damn notebook."

The handle begins to jiggle, a huff from Tricia heard through the door. "Did you lock the door? I'm telling dad and he's gonna make your friend go home!" Tricia threatens. Craig groans, standing up and opening the door for Tricia. "I don't have your stupid notebook! Go plays with your princess toys or something!"

Tricia flips him off, peering to look inside his room, Craig moving the door to a crack. "You're not coming in here." Craig says, to which Tricia ignores. "I'm too old to play with toys, I wanna hang out with her," Tricia says, trying to push the door open.

"Tricia, get out, we want alone time!" Craig snaps, trying to push the door back in place. I watched the scene unfold in amusement. "She doesn't want to be stuck with you all day, just let me talk to her," Tricia resists.

"Craig, it's fine," I say, much to his disagreement. "Hell no," he says, finally getting the door shut, locking it again. "You're such a dick, Craig," I say, getting up to let Tricia in until I'm pushed into the wall next to the door.

"If you open that door, I'm breaking up with you," he replies, keeping my hands pushed against the wall with his. "Kinky." I respond. He scrunches up his face, letting me go. "Don't open the door."

Moving to sit back on the bed, I scoff, picking up his phone. "You're an asshole," I say, beginning to take pictures of him. "Give me my phone," he says, holding his had out. "No." I grin, taking 0.5s of him. "You're not funny," he mumbles, biting back his smile. "I'm hilarious. You love me." Well, shit. That was a risky joke, considering we'd never said I love you before, but it just slipped out because I'm just a natural comedian like that.

Craig pauses for a moment, taking his phone out of my head. "Yeah. I do. But you're being a pain in the ass." ....what. "You could've said that more romantically," I joke awkwardly, not really knowing how to respond. "My bad. I do love you. Happy anniversary."

"It's not our anniversary." I say. "I know, I was trying to be romantic." Craig responds. "Oh... okay... thanks."

What the fuck. Thanks?! I'm such a dumbass.

"I love you, too, Craig, thanks for being a great, hot, sexy boyfriend," He mocks, doing his best impression of me, which was terrible, I must say. "That sounds nothing like me."

"Jesus Christ, Y/n," he groans, flopping backwards on his bed. "Sorry. I love you too." I cringe at my own awkward tone of voice, waiting for Craig's reaction. "Whatever," he mumbles, covering his face with his hands, though I could see his goofy smile anyways.

"I do. I love you," I reassure, making sure he knew I was serious. "I know." He grins, peeking at me through his fingers. "I'm not saying it the way you said it." I frown.

"I know."

a/n: i love craig

someone ask for kenny or kyle or more stan though

just kidding

(also, i'm writing a lot this week and then it'll slow down as i get busier 💪😻)

[yukikorogashi]

🌟 ― i love how you portray your muse(s) 🎀 ― i love your aesthetic / graphics ✨ ― i love the way you write 💫 ― i enjoy writing with you ( what we've done so far ) 💖 ― you seem like a genuinely nice person ☀️ ― your posts always bring me joy ❤️ ― you're one of my favorite blogs

🐝  *  ―  𝑺𝑴𝑨𝑳𝑳 𝑺𝒀𝑴𝑩𝑶𝑳𝑺 𝑶𝑭 𝑲𝑰𝑵𝑫𝑵𝑬𝑺𝑺.

🌟 ― i love how you portray your muse(s) 🎀 ― i love your aesthetic / graphics ✨ ― i love the way you write 💫 ― i enjoy writing with you ( what we've done so far ) 💖 ― you seem like a genuinely nice person ☀️ ― your posts always bring me joy ❤️ ― you're one of my favorite blogs

TAKES A DEEP BREATH... BEFORE YELLING LOVINGLY OVER YOU!!! DB MY GOOOOORL!!! 🥺❤️💕

What can I say that already hasn't been said about you, huh? Well, y'know what-- it all absolutely bears repeating SO-- You know how much I love you, how thankful I am to know you, like-- OH WOW, OH. MY. GOD-- I know this girl, AND SHE'S ACTUALLY A DEAR, DEAR FRIEND OF MINE! 😤 You're just so cool, so talented, so powerful, YES I SAID THAT! Like, forgive me, gir, I know this is ridiculous. But sometimes I'm just here like "Yeah, hi, I know DB, mwahahah! B)" Because honestly, we are all so lucky to know you tbh. And to have you as a friend!

You are just so big-brained, and I love, love, LOVE ALL THE CREATIONS that you come up with! Like, you know I am sadly cautious of OCs on here due to many unfortunate past experiences. But you-- you are one the very few that makes me go "GIMME!" whenever you have a birth a new OC, auehawu!!! They are all just so different to one another, with so much depth given to each and everyone of them. Why it only feel likes yesterday when we FINALLY got to interact with your daughter Ursula. And I was like 😳💦 And hellooo? It's just so amazing to see how far she has come? And to see her now in the BG3 world? Ugh, your brain, girl... YOUR BRAIN!!! It's an absolute thing of beauty, okay? Forever chock full of creativity!!! And I am of course so frigging honoured whenever Itsuki gets to interact with ANY of them!

And ofc outside of RPing and Tumblr, I will forever cherish the fact that I can just casually chat with you on Discord about other things. That I can just salt to you about dumb things happening irl, or gush about comedians like we have been doing recently! I just... love that I can actually talk to you about anything, and it's really just been so great to have your company on there. And there is ofc the endless screaming and crying that we have been doing about JJK and BG3 LOL! Oh boy oh boy... thinking about it all now makes me laugh like a dumbass, but it's really been such a great time, despite the pain that we are also experiencing presently AWEHAUWHE!!!

But yeah, hey-- if none of the above has already made it clear enough-- I love you, DB. It's crazy that we've been friends for this long? And you know I'm a softy that's just going to end up getting emotional over this fact if I think about it for too long... Thank you for being such an amazing friend. For being such an incredible person. I'm so blessed to have you in my life. And I hope you know I am always here rooting you on, watching on proudly as you do your thing. Because y'know... you are one of the strongest individuals I have ever known. And you deserve nothing but happiness. ❤️💕

@thechipsaredown ❤️💕

[dadsbongos]

halloween

Stranger Things x Horror Movie Collection

American Psycho / Halloween / Scream / Friday the 13th / Fear Street / Jennifer’s Body 

4.9K words

warnings - descriptions of wounds/violence (blood n gore n such), halloween au

summary - On Halloween night, you’re stuck babysitting a gaggle of nerds when the phone rings. The person on the other end, however, isn’t eager to answer.

“I’m about to drop dead,” Chrissy mumbles, eyes straying to the ceiling.

“As opposed to what?” you glance at the kitchen when you hear a giggly shout, “Levitate dead?”

“So funny,” she gasps mockingly, “Have you ever considered being a comedian? You could be a regular Elayne Boosler.”

Dustin leans out of the doorframe, hands up as if to beg forgiveness, mouthing a ‘sorry’ before running back in.

“I wish I was there, I think our kids would have fun,” Chrissy has been babysitting Layla Loomis since the redhead was a newborn, but even that close bond can be tiring, “I also just want to get out of this damn house. They’ve got weird clown paintings.”

“Just take the paintings down, dumbass,” your eyes stick to the kitchen door frame, where muffled, joyous conversation is trapped, “Also, Layla is nine, I dunno how well they’d actually get along.”

“Isn’t Erica Sinclair eleven?”

“Spiritually, she’s - like - nineteen with addiction withdrawals. The mean symptoms, not the shaky ones," you shrug, "She's kind of a bitch."

Chrissy gasps genuinely this time, your name slipping out like a hiss, "You can't call her that! She's a kid!"

"You've never met her, have you?"

She confirms your suspicion with silence.

“Yeah, I figure,” you look out the window and across the street when a house’s light flickers, “S-O-S, very funny, Annie.”

Chrissy giggles, “Aw, she’s just sad I was pissy with her when she dropped Benny off.”

“Why’re you watching Benny?”

She sighs out the answer you should’ve been expecting, “Her boyfriend’s visiting.”

“Ew,” you fold your arms as the flickering gets quicker. S-O-S to simple violent flashes. The living room’s overhead stays on for a long while, “I gotta go. Talk to you later.”

“Alright,” she groans overdramatically, “Happy Halloween.”

You return the phrase and hang up.

The living room light cuts now, and no other lights are turned on. 

Annie’s always been melodramatic, this isn’t anything extremely new. So you pull the drawstring of the blinds and walk away to the kitchen where your group of nerds is herded.

“Are you dum-dumbs done?” you lean your hip into a counter while Erica and Max seem to be competing over who can throw more popped kernels into Lucas’ mouth. 

“You seemed busy,” Dustin grabs the big plastic bowl of popcorn and shoots you a look as he passes, “Are you done with your phone call?”

“Yes, actually, I am,” you flick the back of Dustin’s neck as he leads the way to the living room.

Ten minutes into the horror movie Max practically strong-armed you into getting for the group, there’s the screeching of Annie’s dear boyfriend’s, Johnny Traimer’s, car through a sunset road - one not yet cluttered with kids. 

Three minutes later, the phone rings. Erica pauses the film and you lean to the couch’s side table to answer, “Sinclair residence- "

The opportunity to finish your greeting is killed when you hear a deep groan, right from the barrel of someone’s throat. Then another, then a gasp and strangled yelp.

“Oh, gross, you two!” this was bad, even for Annie’s standards. The phone shakes as you slam it down and you sit on your knees to look through the blinds.

Still no light in the house.

Erica plays the movie when you don’t speak further. 

Your head feels light - you’re left falling in and out of sleep even despite the screams and bright, flashing TV lights. Despite the popcorn that flies in front of your face, and despite the fully-fledged teenager clinging to your arm like a child. Only when there’s a sharp synth spike and a scream on screen (and subsequently in your ears by three adolescents), are you woken up.

You jump, eyes flying open to see a topless young actress slaughtered by a hulking, masked figure with a kitchen knife.

“We can change the movie, you know?” you yawn, sitting up straighter on the couch, “Just ‘cuz it’s Halloween doesn’t mean you freaks have to watch a slasher.”

“No, no, no, no,” Dustin shakes his head vigorously, squeezing you tight by the arm, “We wanna watch.”

Erica buries half her face into your shoulder, one eye peeking at the screen, “Yeah, we wanna watch.”

You glance down at the floor, where Lucas and Max are huddled up beside your leg. Lucas’ hand is tightly wound in Max’s - his brows furrowed and lips pressing tightly in anticipation.

Sighing, you sit back and give in, “Alright, but nobody’s mom hears about this, right?”

A chorus of “right!”s follow suit.

Honestly, sometimes you think the only reason the kids request you as a babysitter is because you’re not hesitant about renting R-rated movies for them. For the most part, anyway - you refuse to get them even a morsel from the X section, for obvious reasons.

The camera lingers over the killer’s shoulder as he moves down a hall - another poor girl, screaming and big-breasted, runs ahead of him. It’s quiet except for a simmering chase theme, though even that is dim. Erica and Dustin tense beside you, their nails digging into your skin harshly. Shallow crescents left in their wake.

Briiiing!

Dustin jumps, squeezing your arm so harshly he nearly cuts off blood circulation, and Erica’s hands fly over her ears. Lucas backs into your leg with a gasp and Max just laughs, a finger pointing right in his petrified face.

It’s just the phone, for God’s sake.

“Oh my God,” you stand with a huff and pause the movie, “No more. Lucas, grab Cheech & Chong, I’m cutting you all off.”

“Aw, boo!” Max cups her hands over her mouth as she turns to the couch, just to really twist the knife in Dustin and Erica.

The phone rings again and you shoot a silencing glare at the teenagers before answering, “Sinclair residence - Charles and Sue are out at the moment but I can take a message.”

There’s a sharp laugh and you roll your eyes at the sound, “Jeez, don’t you sound positively chipper?”

“Bite it, Steve,” you slide to sit on the arm of the couch, sensing Dustin loom over you at the name of his impromptu brother, “What do you want? Thought you were with Nance.”

He hums - testy and hollow of his usual amusement, “About that. We sort of broke up.”

“Sort of?”

“It’s a long story,” he sighs and you can practically see him run a hand through his stupid hair, “Can I just come over?”

“Oh my God, hanging out with kids on Halloween? How far the mighty have fallen, Harrington,” you look over at where the four kids are staring at you like the titular kids in Children of the Corn, “Yeah, hurry up. And get us food on your way.”

“What am I? The milking cow?”

“Yup,” you slam the phone down and turn to the awaiting faces before you, “Hair’s on his way.”

Erica raises her brows at you.

“Yes, he’s bringing stuff to eat.”

She nods assuredly and leans back into the couch with folded arms.

You nudge your chin towards the Sinclair’s television, “Seriously, if I hear a peep about this from your parents, I’ll throttle you all.”

Max nods boredly, head tossing onto the couch cushions while Lucas settles in beside her. Dustin sits wide-eyed at the TV in wonder with Erica trying (and miserably failing) to keep her cool at watching a movie her parents loudly protested the opening of.

But before you can christen the night and let the stoner comedy play, the phone rings again. You smack Dustin in the shoulder for laughing when you flinch and pick up the receiver,

“Hello, Sinclair residence - Sue and Charles are out but I can take a message,” you sit and wait.

And wait.

And wait.

And wait.

You get up from the arm of the couch, brows knitting, “Hello?”

You feel the childrens’ eyes on you and pointedly ignore them. This time, when you really press your ear to the phone, you can hear faint breathing. Faint, but hefty. Like the person had just finished slinging weights.

“Billy, I know you might not know how to breathe through your nose yet, but can you at least say something?” you turn, coiling a finger into the phone cord.

Max tenses and you see it in your peripherals, Lucas grabs her hand and the two share a look.

“It’s a sleepover, Hargrove. She’s allowed to be here.”

And she is. Susan herself got the okay from Neil and gave Max the okay under the impression it would only be you and Erica while Lucas and Dustin were out with Will and Mike.

The breathing continues - slowly growing more ragged, slowly increasing in volume. You shuffle away from the children and as far from them as the phone cord will allow.

“Alright, listen, asshole, I get Halloween is the time for pranks, but just forget it. I’m wrist-deep in bullshit with babysitting, so take this house off whatever damn list you have.”

You hang up and sit on the edge of the couch. Erica leans into your side, though not nearly enough to wrongfully be accused of being scared and needing her babysitter. Still, though, you throw your arm over the back of the couch and let her fall into the gap left at your side.

Erica’s too big to admit she’s still shaking from some cheesy horror movie, so she doesn’t, and if it comes down to it - you’ll go ahead and claim to be the one shaking.

The phone rings again.

“That better be Steve,” Lucas sits up on his knees, still clutching Max’s hand.

You groan and move, leaning over the arm of the couch and feeling it dig into your ribs as you answer the phone, “Hello?” when nobody replies, you roll your eyes, “Sinclair residence.”

Erica takes your free hand, hidden from the others’ view, “Who is it?”

Shrugging, you settle the phone between cheek and shoulder, “Seriously, I’ve had it. If there’s something you want, just spit it out, sicko.”

But no. It remains silent. Then the breathing. Slowly growing louder - you stand, releasing Erica’s hand, and shake your head.

“C’mon, just hang up,” Dustin removes his cap to run a hand through his curls, “They’re gonna keep calling.”

But there’s something in your gut that tells you to stay on the line.

“Yeah, let’s go, this is enough,” Max huffs in her brave front, eyes narrowing, “It’s just some asshole. Get it over with.”

But even so. You move towards the window, index and middle finger parting two of the slats. The breathing heavies.

The street is bustling with kids - ranging from babbling babes being pushed in strollers to kids you recognize from the halls of Hawkins High - most in monster costumes. Typical vampires and witches and zombies and ghosts. A couple of kids - the older ones - have thrown on a bloodied hockey mask and called it a costume. Parents are scarce, pretty exclusively with the children who can’t talk for themselves.

Jack O’ lanterns dot houses on the other side of the street and a handful of parked cars are visible on the edge of the road. Candlelight is swamped out by street lamps that bathe the concrete sidewalk in sickly orange. Sickly, pale, and spotty.

But one body towers above the others - one body strays behind a car longer than the others.

“Okay, can you just leave it alone? I can see right through you,” you glare at the figure, heart thundering into your ribs and honestly you’re hoping that the shape can’t see you, “Two-people scams are so out, it’s unfair. Get over yourselves and leave us alone.”

The shape persists. The breathing heavies.

Your hand shakes around the phone but you don’t let down. Lucas stands at your side now, fists clenched as if you’re gonna let his child-self fight whoever it is that’s on the phone. A kid runs into the shape and it still refuses to move.

“Now you’re just being a dick,” you hate the way your spine tingles - fear. Hot and heavy and lathering your arms in prickled flesh.

The breathing heavies. Like he’s growing closer. Ever closer. Like he’s behind you - breath on your neck and in your ear. Like you should run.

Heavy knocks thud on the door but the shape persists. The breathing heavies.

You jump as the knocking continues, a scream you cut short is released and even Max flinches. Dustin huddles to Erica and Erica won’t admit that she huddles right back. Lucas holds up a hand as if to take the phone from you and right when he does, you hear it.

Loud, obnoxious, screeching laughter. A hand slaps a knee as the person on the other side heaves in giggles.

“Oh my God!” you wrench yourself back from the window, “Fuck you, Munson! Who’s out there?”

Of course, only Eddie would try and terrorize his own friends with a Michael Myers mask.

“Just Harrington, sweetheart, be a doll and let him in, will ya?”

“Dick,” you huff but gesture Lucas towards the front door, “‘s just Steve.”

Not a minute later, Steve Harrington is barreling through the door with a small stack of pizzas on one arm. Stupid big grin on his face.

You peek back out through the slats and see the shape trapped in a thicker crowd of trick-or-treaters than before. As you wave to local puppy-boy Steve, you speak into the phone again, “Alright, Munson, you can come in now.”

The shape is still there, though. You look away as someone pops through the kitchen - Eddie’s hands are on his hips proudly. He shoots you a wink and takes Dustin into his arms, squeezing the boy to his chest dramatically, “You should really lock all the doors and windows when you’re home alone, Laurie Strode, never know who has the balls to break in,” he pouts, “My freshmen disciples in your care and you can’t even lock a door.”

Steve ‘tsk’s as Erica storms to the food in his hold.

But you couldn’t care any less.

You hook the phone and hold your stare on Eddie, “You were…?”

“Outside,” Dustin shoves himself out of Eddie’s grasp, the latter nudges his head towards the kitchen side door, “I didn’t fuck with anything.”

“No, it’s- “ you peek out the window, the shape is missing.

Children pass by freely.

“You okay, Chunk?” Eddie steps forward.

Erica quirks a brow, glaring at the metalhead, “No food or references - Goonies or otherwise - for you until we can trust you’ve washed your hands,” she points down the hall, “Bathroom.”

“No,” you snap at the boy, “Did either of you see a guy on the other side of the street?”

“A guy?” Steve ‘hmph’s, “Figured it was a shitty Myers stand.”

You shake your head, peeking through the slats again, “He’s gone.”

And the doors are unlocked.

“The doors are unlocked,” you blurt, pointing at the other two older teenagers, “Doors and windows - check and lock them.”

Lucas goes to follow you upstairs while Eddie takes the basement and Steve stays on the first floor. His face is earnest, worry-wrung, “I wanna help.”

“No,” you keep him back with a stiff arm, “You stay down here and look after the others, alright? I’ll be right back.”

You can see it in the twist of his lips, his knitted brows, “I want to help.”

Both hands settle on his shoulders and you smile at the poor boy, “You can help plenty by just making sure the others are safe. Alright?”

He shakes his head but finds his way back to the group so you can go upstairs. You hate to say it, but as you come upon the landing, you sort of wish you’d taken up the chance of company. The quiet is eerie and drawn out - like you should be waiting for the other shoe to drop - like the still before a storm. Darkness pervades. Not quite inky, more flashes. Moonlight and street lamps illuminate the upstairs through thin curtains and slotted blinds.

Distantly, you hear the sounds of children screaming and giggling in Halloween delight. A single floorboard creaks and you could throw yourself over the banister at how pathetic you feel jumping from the sound.

This is ridiculous, you think - you’ve got kids to take care of, you can’t stay upstairs all night.

So you rush down the hall to Erica’s room and get to work locking her windows. You like Erica’s room, it’s got D&D miniatures sat out on a desk and a nice lavender bedspread. It’s more comforting than Lucas’ room, of no fault to him. Sports memorabilia and pictures of Max and even more intense D&D decor. It just reminds you of high school boys’ rooms you’ve been in and subsequently hated.

The window right above Lucas’ bed is jammed halfway and no matter how hard you press, it refuses to budge. It’s not nearly enough to sneak through, but even so, it could be opened. You leave his piggy bank at the sill in case someone does creep in and move on.

A kid shrieks from outside and you hurry to the master bedroom.

Neat and tidied, nobody has been in this room since Charles and Sue Sinclair left five hours ago. But there’s the chill of a Hawkins fall night that blows through and their pristine white curtains billow in the breeze. Your skin chills and you close the big window to the right of Sue’s antique dresser - it shutters and you think for a moment that the very glass shakes. You click the lock into place and continue.

When the upstairs is squared, you return to the group. There’s a gaping splotch in the gaggle of teenagers.

“Where’s Munson?”

“Thought he found you,” Steve shrugs.

“Why would- “ you cut yourself off, “Whatever.”

There’s a crash upstairs. Glass cracking and a thud like a full furniture set being dropped.

Dustin blanches at you, “I thought you locked the windows!”

“I did!” you huff but race to the kitchen, grabbing a knife. But one of the knives is already missing.

Oh.

Oh.

Steve follows you, one hand going to your shoulder and his head tilting in a silent question.

“Get the kids out and go, go to a neighbor and call the cops,” your heart is thundering.

But come on, you’ve fought Hawkins’ demons and survived - you can handle a douchebag with a knife, right? Right! Of course.

Of course.

You run upstairs before Steve can ask further questions. He’s reluctant but follows your orders, herding your kids out the front door like the good shepherd he is while you check each room.

The knife glints in fractured moonlight, shaking in your hand as you peek through the doorways. Slow at first, sticking to the walls before carefully moving inside. The house creaks and you try to keep your breathing quiet. Footsteps still. You wait with bated breath.

For the other shoe to drop. For the storm to commence.

For a man to burst through the closet.

There’s no man - you cut through the rooms and find nothing but a tumbled full-body mirror now shattered in Erica’s room. You creep close and find no explanation for its sudden fall.

You’re almost excited to get back downstairs. Your hands speed to the couch-side phone and dart over the numbers to the house Chrissy is sitting. Just to warn her before it’s too late. Unless it already is.

The phone is ringing but Chrissy won’t answer. She never lets the phone ring long. You press your ear closer, hoping desperately for some - any - response aside from this mechanical tone. It rings. And rings. And you can’t hear the man behind you.

Steve turns to look at the Sinclair house once the children are out, he goes to step inside but Erica snags him by the shirt.

She isn’t one for verbally expressing her concern unless it was a quip, she isn’t prone to vulnerability that way; whether it be because of her young age or a result of their Hawkins’ trauma, he doesn’t know and he doesn’t care much. But now, he can see it in her eyes - rich with anxiety.

“You better not be thinking about going back in there, just wait for the cops. She’ll come back out,” Erica squeezes her hand in the material of Steve’s shirt, “She’ll come out.”

“I can’t take the chance,” Steve grins down at her, “We’ll be okay - we’re a good team, Sinclair.”

Steve detaches from the girl and runs back into the house. No plan, no ideas, just him and his typical inability to win a fight.

And he sees you struggling in the middle of the Sinclair’s living room. Eyes bugging, legs kicking, and hands ripping at the cord wrapped around your throat - a hulking, masked figure dragging you back into his chest.

Steve is quick at what he does best and what he does best is running into fights. He throws his body into the man’s, tackling him at the side. You’re dropped to the floor, knees burning against the rug while you heave for air. Your fingers drag across the indents forming from the spiraled cord.

“Keep him…” a thick sputter and cough rags through your sore throat, “inside…!”

The man in the Myers mask lifts Steve by the collar of his shirt, almost laughable in its visible simplicity for him. You don’t laugh though, not when your heart is thrumming like a jackrabbit and not when you can hear Steve’s fists land on the man’s chest like it’s a thick wall.

Scrambling, your hands pat blindly under the couch for the knife that’d fallen from your hand during the altercation. Handle meets palm and you drag the blade out as Steve kicks in the man’s hold. You turn, armed, and stab the man’s calf - it takes muscle, force, more than you use for anything in your typical life. More than you’re comfortable with. Cloth and skin rip around your blade and Steve is dropped. His body hits the floor like dead weight and the figure buckles.

You wretch back the knife and crawl away, shaky, to Steve’s side. You grab him by the sleeve and drag him closer to the door.

The man collapses, his hand smacking on the glass table hard enough to crack it.

Coming to your feet, you hurriedly tug Steve onto his own - knife still in hand.

The man rises, his head tilting. Something so reminiscent of a movie that you can’t help the “oh, fuck you!” that comes out. Steve takes the knife from your hand and pushes you behind him. His hands are shaking worse than yours.

“We need to keep him inside,” your eyes stay on the figure as you whisper to Steve.

The sirens are faint but they grow closer.

“Keep him inside,” Steve nods, “Got it.”

Steve slowly moves closer and you hesitate to grab him. On one hand, you know it’s foolish of him to approach, but if the man reciprocates and you’re holding Steve back then you’re both fucked. So you watch, back to the door, and legs jelly as Steve attempts to go toe-to-toe with the Michael Myers wannabe.

The sirens grow louder and you can see the man’s shoulders tense. He charges Steve.

And despite the knife quickly lodged in his side, the man throws Steve right back to where you are. His body hits your legs and you barely have the time to snatch the knife from his limp hand before you’re being cinched by the neck.

Hands shake with how hard he’s squeezing, you can feel your throat forcibly tighten. His fingers dig into your skin and you try to gasp through his hands. You take the knife to his forearm, slashing at his skin and breaking through his jumpsuit sleeve. He hisses and jumps when you manage to stab his shoulder but when he leans forward and jams you between himself and the door, you’re left with his hands locked around your throat.

His chest locks yours in place and you tear the knife through his rib, as far as your arms can possibly stretch while your vision spots. Yellow to blue to black splotches decorate the room and hot tears scorch your cheeks. Shallow, you wheeze and beat at his arms with both a fist and knife. Still, he leans and twists his clenched hands around your throat.

You try calling Steve’s name but all that manages to escape is a coughed grunt. Your muscles give, vision dark, the knife tumbles and hits the tiled flooring with a tink, your arms fall. Legs twitch.

The sirens grow quiet.

Your head lulls back.

Glass shatters and you drop to the doorstep like a sack of cement. Sputtering and gasping and clawing at the raw skin of your neck blindly. Your eyes don’t adjust well at first, hazy and blurred but enough to see that Steve is the one that smashed a vase against the back of the shape’s head.

Quickly, the sirens return to their previous volume - no, louder. Nearer. Steve manages to get the man on the ground. Kids scream outside but this isn’t the overjoyed cheer of trick or treaters - it’s terror and panic and urgency. It’s your kids.

You collapse back onto the ground as you wheeze through a crushed windpipe.

The door bursts open as the man grabs the knife, raising it above his head while Steve screams. Through the gap of the doorway, you see your kids screaming. Dustin is bright red in the face and Max and Lucas are clinging to one another. Erica is wide-eyed and frozen on the lawn. They blur and darken as your eyes flutter.

Your head feels light - you’re left falling in and out of sleep even despite the screams and bright flashing lights. Despite the police and sirens that cry in front of your face, and despite the fully-fledged teenager clinging to your arm like a child.

Only when you’re in the back of an ambulance with Max and Erica at your side, are you woken up.

Carefully, you tilt your head to check your vitals. When your head is facing forward, you can see the girls looking at you - at your neck.

It aches and burns at the back of your throat, but you swallow the saliva stuck there. Voice ragged and thin as you croak, “How bad is it?”

“Pretty bad,” Max is entirely honest, brows furrowed, “You’re gonna have a fuck-awful bruise.”

“Battle scars,” you cringe at the sound of your roughened voice and the pain that comes with using it.

“That was stupid,” Erica glares at you, lashes narrow and brows knitted, “Capital ‘S’ stupid.”

You shrug and her disdain grows harsher.

“Stupid.”

If protecting your kids makes you stupid, then you’ll gladly play the fool every single time.

You peek around the space just to ensure nobody else is listening, “We’ve seen worse.”

But none of those previous times have you come quite so close - quite so immediate - to death. Never before had you actually had your vision go black and feel the body-trembling fear of genuinely being about to die. It almost makes you miss when the only thing to make you break a sweat was a drooly, toothy screech in your face. Almost.

The ambulance doors are tossed open, Steve standing outside with Dustin and Lucas on either side. His lips are pressed and he nudges his head for the other girls to get out.

Steve takes their place, his teeth gnawing on his bottom lip.

“You look like you have to puke.”

“I do,” he’s quiet. Uncharacteristically, “They found Eddie. And Chrissy. And Annie. And Johnny.”

You grunt, uncomfortably shifting so you’re upright, a new thud pittering your heart. You can’t find yourself to speak, though. Stomach frilling and chest aching.

Something stirs. Sickens. Rots.

You just stare. It’s all you can do.

You don’t even want to ask.

Where?

How?

Are they…?

You don’t have to ask.

“Dead,” Steve grabs your hand when your muscles freeze, he squeezes, “All dead.”

He wasn’t told the details, but he saw Eddie. Pinned to the wall of the Sinclair’s basement - chest to brick - with a kitchen knife. The blade sat deep in the metalhead’s chest, only the handle was visible. Eddie’s head was turned directly right, chin to shoulder, eyes wide in terror.

He overheard from the officers in passing - brief flashes of gore. Of Chrissy’s neck slashed until it was hanging by threads of muscle. Of Annie’s face bashed into the counter until her jaw was mere pieces. Of Johnny’s throat rubbed red and bloody and raw by a phone cord.

“What about the kids? The ones they were babysitting?”

Steve remains silent. Your stomach lurches.

“And him?”

The shape.

Steve squeezes your hand again.

Children chatter outside and you can hear officers telling citizens to back away. There’s nothing to see here.

You swallow thickly, an ice chill crawling along your skin. Your flesh prickles.

“Steve,” you feel twisted, wrenched, “What happened to him?”

He releases your hand and peeks through the small, square windows on the ambulance’s back doors, “The guy…”

You wait with bated breath.

“Myers.”

For the other shoe to drop. For the storm to commence.

“He got out of the cuffs.”

For a man to burst through a closet.

“They can’t find him anywhere.”

[losersclublol]

kinda weird and odly specific (fem) stozier bff head cannons !!!

stan has only ever let her bare feet out around richie

they quote the twins from like that one snl sketch. wait lemme specify. this one and they quote all the john mulany ones. like “we’re so close we finish eachother..” “off”. “his bootys real” “but my personality is fake”

they do those smule duets together and it’s a hot fucking mess but kinda good???

stupid. fucking. tiktoks.

so many

richie insists that they only do like one but they’re both on a friendship high and end up making like 20 and they’re all messy yet funny and good

a few of them blew up

cause why wouldn’t they. like you take richie, an actual comedian, and stan, an actual comedian who just won’t get paid for it. and you get comedic genius with the right amount of fruityness

ew no but matching pjs at sleepovers omg

sleepovers would either be like “we need sleep but you’re at my house” or “almost breaking something whilst having an amazing time and oh wow how did that get in your hair”

stan does richies hair at least once a month and she keeps telling richie to just do her hair like this and it’ll look this good all the time and richie keeps saying she will but noooooooo she doesn’t cause she’s a little dirt girl who has to look messy

they make the weirdest but best snacks together (i used to dip cabbage in lemonade, it was bomb)

they make little cooking videos/vlogs but it’s just stan looking tired and doing a good job, richie getting lost and confused and both of them losing everything they put down

“anyway now we need the spatula to mix it all up… where is the spatula” “how tf would i know dumbass you had it last” “okay don’t be mean stancy but seriously where is it i just had it” “bro i don’t know just retrace your steps or something idk… wait no where tf is it it’s not here” “see what i mean???” *confused looking* “omg where is it” “it’s gonna burn !” “no ! we made that together ! where is it !!!” *even more confused and stressed looking* “I DONT KNOW “ *harmonised screaming* “wait no no no it’s fine i’ll just turn the heat off for now” “oh thank god you’ve saved us,,, wait nvm no need i found it !” “where was it?” “oh the counter right next to us” “omg”

they’re the only ones who can see each others like ugly cackle only for bff snorty loud yet so silent laugh (please tell me you know what one i’m talking about)

the amount of times they’ve gotten in trouble for laughing so much omg

one time richie made them “hold hands” with their feet

she got punched but she got a picture so it’s worth it

their contact photos for eachother are the both best and worst pictures they have of the other

no other losers can see them

stozier eyes only

they definitely had one of those joint bff instagram accounts when they were like 12

omg musically

they had a shared account on musically too and it is the best thing ever made

HOLY SHIT ITS A GOLD MINE

“honey you already know i’m the slomo queen” and it’s just them doing some stupid ass spin with glasses on or something

stan has glasses

reading kinda glasses not like richies blind ass ones

omg no stan being farsighted is so funny to me tho i’ve thought about it before

like she can see birds like a mile away but walks into every fucking pole ever

she just can’t see them (how?? idk)

they share clothes

obviously

but when one of them comes over to the others house for a sleepover they just immediately change into whatever clothes is there

shared wardrobe

y’know my dad once put on my sisters jeans and they fit

sorry back on topic

i hate to be the one to say it but

they were each other’s first kiss and you can not tell me they weren’t

it’s up to you how it happens but it did

stans scared of spiders and richie takes advantage of that as much as possible (within reason she’s not an asshole)

she used the like spider on your face filter r to scare stan and it worked

she horror screams every time

THIS MASSIVE FUCKING SPIDER JUST CRAWLED OVER ME AND ITS LOST WTF

no no no fuck this no no

FUCK WHAT THE FUCK FUCK OFF NO

kms

i meant “i’m” but like yeah sure

anyways i’m sleeping downstairs tonight

they make up insane stories about stans bat mitzvah bc they were the only losers there

they shoot the straw wrappers at each other no doubt

have been mistaken for a couple too many times to count

they hold hands when they’re out and about (cause stan feels anxious and needs constant reassurance that she’s not gonna be left alone, also cause bffs)

they’ve got like ten of the bff necklaces and bracelets

like those wee bacon and egg ones that have the words “best” and “friends” on it

(stan got the bacon one)

they’re both lactose intolerant but have ice cream dates

whenever they have like picnics stan always brings perfectly cut fruit and nice sandwiches and food and stuff and richie brings all the snacks that they both like

stans like the mum who makes the cute little bentos

soup making omg

they’ve 100% cosplayed like heather chandler and veronica and like oh god i don’t wanna say it but bakudeku HDHSJXBHXHAJSNSN

i’m sorry but it’s funny

it was unintentional at first tho

richie was doing the deku voice for a tiktok and stan was telling her to stfu and people ran with it

WHY IS THAT SO FUNNYHXVSHXB BHSKSMSM N JEJNS

they’ve definitely ugly cried together

well of course

but it still had to be said

and like cuddles awwwwww

also they genuinely love eachother

whether it’s romantic or platonic they are like soulmates to me

well to me all the losers are soulmates but stozier are just the ultimate best friends

okay y’know what i’m gonna end this here

also i have no clue how to do the read more things apologies

oh and if anyone has any tips on how to do it in the mobile that would be so appreciated !!!

[mostlymovieswithmax]

Movies I watched in May

Sadly, I kind of skipped writing a post for April. It was a mad month with so much going on: lots of emails sent and lots of stress. I started a new job so I’m getting to grips with that... and even then, I still watched a bunch of movies. But this is about what I watched in May and, yeah… still a bunch. So if you’re looking to get into some other movies - possibly some you’ve thought about watching but didn’t know what they were like, or maybe like the look of something you’ve never heard of - then this may help! So here’s every film I watched from the 1st to the 31st of May 2021 Tenet (2020) - 8/10 This was my third time watching Christopher Nolan’s most Christopher Nolan movie ever and it makes no sense but I still love it. The spectacle of it all is truly like nothing I’ve ever seen. I had also watched it four days prior to this watch also, only this time I had enabled audio description for the visually impaired, thinking it would make it funny… It didn’t.

Nomadland (2020) - 6/10 Chloé Zhao’s new movie got a lot of awards attention. Everyone was hyped for this and when it got put out on Disney+ I was eager to see what all the fuss was about. Seeing these real nomads certainly gave the film an authenticity, along with McDormand’s ever-praisable acting. But generally I found it quite underwhelming and lacking a lot in its pacing. Nomadland surely has its moments of captivating cinematography and enticing commentary on the culture of these people, but it felt like it went on forever without any kind of forward direction or goal. The Prince of Egypt (1998) - 6/10 I reviewed this on my podcast, The Sunday Movie Marathon. For what it is, it’s pretty fun but nowhere near as good as some of the best DreamWorks movies.

Chinatown (1974) - 8/10 What a fantastic and wonderfully unpredictable mystery crime film! I regret to say I’ve not seen many Jack Nicholson performances but he steals the show. Despite Polanski’s infamy, it’d be a lie to claim this wasn’t truly masterful. Howl’s Moving Castle (2004) - 8/10 Admittedly I was half asleep as I curled up on the sofa to watch this again on a whim. I watched this with someone who demanded the dubbed version over the subtitled version and while I objected heavily, I knew I’d seen the movie before so it didn’t matter too much. That person also fell asleep about 20 minutes in, so how pointless an argument it was. Howl’s Moving Castle boasts superb animation, the likes of which I’ve only come to expect of Miyazaki. The story is so unique and the colours are absolutely gorgeous. This may not be my favourite from the legendary director but there’s no denying its splendour.

Bāhubali: The Beginning (2015) - 3/10 The next morning I watched some absolute trash. This crazy, over the top Indian movie is hilarious and I could perhaps recommend it if it weren’t so long. That being said, Bāhubali was not a dumpster fire; it has a lot of good-looking visual effects and it’s easy to see the ambition for this epic story, it just doesn’t come together. There’s fun to be had with how the main character is basically the strongest man in the world and yet still comes across as just a lucky dumbass, along with all the dancing that makes no sense but is still entertaining to watch. Seven Samurai (1954) - 10/10 If it wasn’t obvious already, Seven Samurai is a masterpiece. I reviewed this on The Sunday Movie Marathon podcast, so more thoughts can be found there. Red Road (2006) - 6/10 Another recommendation on episode 30 of the podcast. Red Road really captures the authentic British working class experience. Before Sunrise (1995) - 10/10 One of the best romances put to film. The first in Richard Linklater’s Before Trilogy is undoubtedly my favourite, despite its counterparts being almost equally as good. It tells the story of a young couple travelling through Europe, who happen to meet on a train and spend the day together. It is gloriously shot on location in Vienna and features some of the most interesting dialogue I’ve ever seen put to film. Heartbreakingly beautiful.

Tokyo Story (1953) - 9/10 This Japanese classic - along with being visually and sonically masterful - is a lot about appreciating the people in your life and taking the time to show them that you love them. It’s about knowing it’s never too late to rekindle old relationships if you truly want to, which is something I’ve been able to relate to in recent years. It broke my heart in two. Tokyo Story will make you want to call your mother. Before Sunset (2004) - 10/10 Almost a decade after Sunrise, Sunset carries a sombre yet relieving feeling. Again, the performances from Julie Delpy and Ethan Hawke take me away, evoking nostalgic feelings as they stroll through the contemporary Parisian streets. There is no regret in me for buying the Criterion blu-ray boxset for this trilogy. Before Midnight (2013) - 10/10 Here, Linklater cements this trilogy as one of the best in film history. It’s certainly not the ending I expected, yet it’s an ending I appreciate endlessly. Because it doesn’t really end. Midnight shows the troubling times of a strained relationship; one that has endured so long and despite initially feeling almost dreamlike in how idealistically that first encounter was portrayed, the cracks appear as the film forces you to come to terms with the fact that fairy-tale romances just don’t exist. Relationships require effort and sacrifice and sometimes the ones that truly work are those that endure through all the rough patches to emerge stronger. The Holy Mountain (1973) - 10/10 Jodorowsky’s masterpiece is absolute insanity. I talked more about it on The Sunday Movie Marathon podcast.

The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014) - 10/10 Another watch for Grand Budapest because I bought the Criterion blu-ray. As unalterably perfect as ever. Blue Jay (2016) - 6/10 Rather good up to a point. My co-hosts and I did not agree on how good this movie was, which is a discussion you can listen to on my podcast. Shadow and Bone: The Afterparty (2021) - 3/10 For what it’s worth, I really enjoyed the first season of Shadow and Bone, which is why I wanted to see what ‘The Afterparty’ was about. This could have been a lot better and much less annoying if all those terrible comedians weren’t hosting and telling bad jokes. I don’t want to see Fortune Feimster attempt to tell a joke about oiling her body as the cast of the show sit awkwardly in their homes over Zoom. If it had simply been a half hour, 45 minute chat with the cast and crew about how they made the show and their thoughts on it, a lot of embarrassment and time-wasting could have been spared. Wadjda (2012) - 6/10 Another recommendation discussed at length on The Sunday Movie Marathon. Wadjda was pretty interesting from a cultural perspective but largely familiar in terms of story structure.

Freddy Got Fingered (2001) - 2/10 A truly terrible movie with maybe one or two scenes that stop it from being a complete catastrophe. Tom Green tried to create something that almost holds a middle finger to everyone who watches it and to some that could be a fun experience, but to me it just came across as utterly irritating. It’s simply a bunch of scenes threaded together with an incredibly loose plot. He wears the skin of a dead deer, smacks a disabled woman over and over again on the legs to turn her on, and he swings a newborn baby around a hospital room by its umbilical cord (that part was actually pretty funny). I cannot believe I watched this again, although I think I repressed a lot of it since having seen it for the first time around five years ago. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 - (2011) I have to say, these movies seem to get better with each instalment. They’re still not very good though. That being said, I’m amazed at how many times I’ve watched each of the Twilight movies at this point. This time around, I watched Breaking Dawn - Part 1 with a YMS commentary track on YouTube and that made the experience a lot more entertaining. Otherwise, this film is super dumb but pretty entertaining. I would recommend watching these movies with friends. Solaris (1972) - 8/10 Andrei Tarkovsky’s grand sci-fi epic about the emotional crises of a crew on the space station orbiting the fictional planet Solaris is much as strange and creepy as you might expect from the master Russian auter. I had wanted to watch this for a while so I bought the Criterion blu-ray and it’s just stunning. It’s clear to see the 2001: A Space Odyssey inspiration but Solaris is quite a different beast entirely. Jaws (1975) - 4/10 I really tried to get into this classic movie, but Jaws exhibits basically everything I don’t like about Steven Spielberg’s directing. For sure, the effects are crazily good but the story itself is poorly handled and largely uninteresting. It was just a massive slog to get through.

Darkman (1990) - 6/10 Sam Raimi’s superhero movie is so much fun, albeit massively stupid. Further discussion on Darkman can be found on episode 32 of The Sunday Movie Marathon podcast. Darkman II: The Return of Durant (1995) - 1/10 Abysmal. I forgot the movie as I watched it. This was part of a marathon my friends and I did for episode 32 of our podcast. Darkman III: Die Darkman Die (1996) - 1/10 Perhaps this trilogy is not so great after all. Only marginally better than Darkman II but still pretty terrible. More thoughts on episode 32 of my podcast. F For Fake (1973) - 8/10 Rewatching this proved to be a worthwhile decision. Albeit slightly boring, there’s no denying how crazy the story of this documentary about art forgers is. The standout however, is the director himself. Orson Welles makes a lot of this film about himself and how hot his girlfriend is and it is hilarious.

The Mitchells vs. The Machines (2021) - 4/10 More style over substance, Sony’s new animated adventure wants so much to be in trend with the current internet culture but it simply doesn’t understand what it’s emulating. There’s a nyan cat reference, for crying out loud. For every joke that works, there are about ten more that do not and were it not for the wonderful animation, it simply wouldn’t be getting so much praise. Taxi Driver (1976) - 10/10 The first movie I’ve seen in a cinema since 2020 and damn it was good to be back! I’ve already reviewed Taxi Driver in my March wrap-up but seeing it in the cinema was a real treat. Irreversible (2002) - 8/10 One of the most viscerally horrendous experiences I’ve ever had while watching a movie. I cannot believe a friend of mine gave me the DVD to watch. More thoughts on episode 32 of The Sunday Movie Marathon podcast. Don’t watch it with the family. The Golden Compass (2007) - 1/10 I had no recollection of this being as bad as it is. The Golden Compass is the definition of a factory mandated movie. Nothing it does on its own is worth any kind of merit. I would say, if you wanted an experience like what this tries to communicate, a better option by far is the BBC series, His Dark Materials. More of my thoughts can be found in the review I wrote on Letterboxd.

Antichrist (2009) - 8/10 Lars von Trier is nothing if not provocative and I can understand why someone would not like Antichrist, but I enjoyed it quite a lot. After watching it, I wrote a slightly disjointed summary of my interpretations of this highly metaphorical movie in the group chat, so fair warning for a bit of spoilers and graphic descriptions: It's like, the patriarchy, man! Oppression! Men are the rational thinkers with big brains and the women just cry and be emotional. So she's seen as crazy when she's smashing his cock and driving a drill through his leg to keep him weighted down. Like, how does he like it, ya know? So then she mutilates herself like she did with him and now they're both wounded, but the animals crowd around her (and the crow that he couldn't kill because it's Mother nature, not Father nature, duh). Then he kills her, even though she could've killed him loads of times but didn't. So it's like "haha big win for the man who was subjected to such horrific torture. Victory!" And then all the women with no faces come out of the woods because it's like a constant cycle. Manchester By The Sea (2016) - 6/10 Great performances in this super sad movie. I can’t say I got too much out of it though. Roar (1981) - 9/10 Watching Roar again was still as terrifying an experience as the first time. If you want to watch something that’s loose on plot with poor acting but with real big cats getting in the way of production and physically attacking people, look no further. This is the scariest movie I’ve ever seen because it’s all basically real. Cannot recommend it enough. Eyes Without A Face (1960) - 8/10 I’m glad I checked this old French movie out again. There’s a lot to marvel at in so many aspects, what with the premise itself - a mad surgeon taking the faces from unsuspecting women and transplanting them onto another - being incredibly unique for the time. Short, sweet and entertaining!

Se7en (1995) - 10/10 The first in a David Fincher marathon we did for The Sunday Movie Marathon, episode 33. Zodiac (2007) - 10/10 Second in the marathon, as it was getting late, we decided to watch half that evening and the last half on the following evening. Zodiac is a brilliant movie and you can hear more of my thoughts on the podcast (though I apologise; my audio is not the best in this episode). Gone Girl (2014) - 10/10 My favourite Fincher movie. More insights into this masterpiece in episode 33 of the podcast. Friends: The Reunion (2021) - 6/10 It was heartwarming to see the old actors for this great show together again. I talked about the Friends reunion film at length in episode 33 of my podcast.

Wolfwalkers (2020) - 10/10 I reviewed this in an earlier post but would like to reiterate just how wonderful Wolfwalkers is. If you get the chance, please see it in the cinema. I couldn’t stop crying from how beautiful it was. Raya and The Last Dragon (2021) - 6/10 After watching Wolfwalkers, I decided I didn’t want to go home. So I had lunch in town and booked a ticket for Disney’s Raya and The Last Dragon. A child was coughing directly behind me the entire time. Again, I reviewed this in an earlier post but generally it was decent but I have so many problems with the execution. The Princess Bride (1987) - 9/10 Clearly I underrated this the last time I watched it. The Princess Bride is warm and hilarious with some delightfully memorable characters. A real classic!

The Invisible Kid (1988) - 1/10 About as good as you’d expect a movie with that name to be, The Invisible Kid was a pick for The Sunday Movie Marathon podcast, the discussion for which you can listen to in episode 34. Babel (2006) - 9/10 The same night that I watched The Invisible Kid, I watched a masterful and dour drama from the director of Birdman and The Revenant. Babel calls back to an earlier movie of Iñárritu’s, called Amores Perros and as I was informed while we watched this for the podcast, it turns out Babel is part of a trilogy alongside the aforementioned film. More thoughts in episode 34 of the podcast. Snake Eyes (1998) - 1/10 After feeling thoroughly emotionally wiped out after Babel, we immediately watched another recommendation for the podcast: Snake Eyes, starring Nicolas Cage. This was a truly underwhelming experience and for more of a breakdown into what makes this movie so bad, you can listen to us talk about it on the podcast.

[salemsimss]

.22

Beginning | Previous | Next

Transcript under the cut

Johnny: While we’re on the topic on how much life sucks. What would you do if you're studying a course that you didn’t even want to do, but you were forced into taking it, and you’re on the second year of your course, right?

But you hate it. It’s not what you want to do, and you consider dropping out. But due to family expectations, you dropping out will only create a shit storm, and because of that you feel trapped.

Like seriously, what the fuck do I do?

Scott: Cry myself to sleep every night.

Nikki: Scott, you do that anyway.

Scott: True.

Johnny: Fuuuckk my liifeee...

Nikki: Well, do you at least have an idea of what you want to do in life?

Johnny: Die?

Nikki: Can you be more optimistic, please?

Scott: I think that’s as optimistic as it gets...

Johnny: Uhh, I know I wanted to become famous at some point...

Nikki: So do that, then.

Johnny: And how would I do that?

Scott: Depends on the career, I guess. You’ve got: acting, musician, dancing, comedy...

Nikki: I could see you getting into comedy. Or acting since you can be pretty dramatic.

Johnny: Gee, thanks, Nikki.

Nikki: But seriously, though. If I do not see that pretty face of yours on TV, I will be very disappointed!

Scott: I have to agree with Nikki on this one.

Johnny: I’ve thought about it a few times...

Scott: I can see you being the funny best friend.

Nikki: Or maybe the love interest!

Scott: Or the main character who is a dumbass.

Nikki: Wasn’t Kylo on TV at some point?

Johnny: From when he went missing a few years back or...

Nikki: Not that. I swear he was in a TV show. I used to watch that shit religiously!

Scott: Ohhh I think I know what you’re talking about. He played the character, Antonio so well!

Johnny: Ohh that show!

Nikki: If acting is what you’re looking for, he might be able to help you.

Johnny: I’m listening...

Scott: I have a friend who’s really into music. She’s got quite a lot of followers. I can probably have a chat with her if you need advice music wise?

Nikki: Or you could just start an OnlyFans. I heard people make bank on that!

Johnny: What, and sell feet pics or something?

Scott: Oh wait- Isn’t there supposed to be some kind of small festival happening in San Myshuno soon?

Johnny: The Humour and Hijinks Festival?

Nikki: The one where you can joke and prank people? Count me in if yous are going.

Scott: I heard there’s an area where you can perform in front of people.

Johnny: Yeah, it’s one of the few fesitvals that you’ll see celebrities go to.

Nikki: Sometimes well known comedians will perform there for fun.

Johnny: Comedians?

[candyopala]

Stuck in his ways, Chapter 4

Chapter summary:  Y/N sees too much. Both try to act normally but they just can’t help themselves, these two are too stubborn for their own good.

Words: 1.5k

AO3

Please reblog or like if you enjoy <3

“Dude! Put on some clothes!”

Y/N’s screams of embarrassment are enough to get Obito out of his sleepy state and into a frenzy around the room for something he can cover himself with, even though the room is dark and both can see very little. Enveloping all of his body and head into some big blankets from his bed, the Uchiha finally screams back: 

“The fuck you’re doing here?! Aren’t you supposed to be on the hospital? Are you some sort of maniac?”

“Look who’s talking, it’s Mr. Creep Uchiha! Give me a break, like I even wanted to see you like that”

Yeah, kinda.

“What are you even doing in my house? How do you know where I live?”

 “Calm down, my answers are: I came in to annoy you, I ran away, I might be maniac but not a maniac, you people live in the same part of town, it was easy. Satisfied?”

“Not at all.”

The bundle of blankets sits down on his bed and a small opening appears, revealing a big pout, almost child-like. Some light from the window beside his bed comes across Obito’s figure, and Y/N takes this as an opportunity to peek at the left side of Obito’s face, since a cloth mostly covered it on their previous encounter. This side, different from the other one, has no scars in it, only his left eye is missing, indicated by his eyelid being closed shut.

Damn…

“Ahem, so… aren’t you going to put on some clothes?” 

“Did you just say you ran away from the hospital?”

“Technically”

“Huh?”

“They told me I had to stay awake for 24 hours ‘cause I might have a concussion, and since I had no one to sign me off and take care of me, they wanted me to stay there. So I ran away”

“To my house?”

“Do I know anyone else in the village? No. Besides, you owe me one, after all, this is all your fault” She says pointing at her head. 

 Obito falls back on the bed, squirming lazily, clearly too sleepy for all this. A few seconds pass before he lets out a big sigh and says: 

“Get out of here so I can change, ok?”

“Oh no, what a shame, I totally wanted to see you naked again” Is all she responds, albeit ironically and completed with an eye roll. 

Again, kinda wanted to see some more

She then leaves Obito alone so he can change into something and to stop those furtive thoughts. A few minutes later out comes the Uchiha wearing battered sweatpants and an old T-shirt that barely fits him anymore.

“Are you coming out wearing that?”

“Coming where?”

“To the ramen booth, of course”

“It’s almost four in the morning, dumbass”

“So? It’s three thirty and I haven’t eaten since lunch, come on!”

“It’s not even going to be open at this hour”

“I checked before coming here, It’s open 24/7”

“Fuck…”

He gets back into the bedroom again to change into something more presentable, not that there would be anyone to see him.  

~”~  

They reach Ichiraku’s ramen booth in silence, Obito still half-asleep and Y/N poking him with her sheathed sword. After sitting down and ordering food for them both, Obito breaks the silence: 

“Why did you even bring that?”

“What? You? Well, you seem like you need some change of environment, you’re too grumpy for you age. I mean, I know we’re both probably reaching our thirties this next half decade, but you’re too-“

“The sword, I meant the sword, dumbass”

“Stop calling me that, creep! Anyway, I brought it because we’re training later”

“Over my dead body”

“Well I better go fetch my special shovel, ‘cause it’s happening”

Obito takes another good look at the sword. Simple model, all black with some decoration on the end. After a closer look, he also notices the Nara clan symbol etched very discreetly at the end, making him realize this is one of the famous traditional swords from the family, only the most notable members are allowed to use it. This raises even more question about the girl in his head, since he knows for a fact that Y/N is nor a Nara or has been a member from the leaf all her life.

“Where did you get that? Aren’t those rare?” He says pointing at the blade on her back. 

“My-… A good friend gave it to me”

“Willingly?”

“What sort of question even is that?”

“Uhm, sorry, talking to people isn’t my thing”

“I’ve noticed.”

“… Alright…”

“It’s fine. Just stop implying that I’m evil all the time, it’s not very nice”

Obito is thankful that the conversation is cut by their ramen being served. He is not all that hungry, but he could never refuse a good plate of ramen. Y/N also munches enthusiastically, ending her dish in record speed. She looks at him again, staring at his left side, making Obito remember that he forgot to put his eyepatch before leaving. 

“Oh my…” He says exasperated while covering his missing eye “I forgot to put on my eyepatch, I’m sorry for making you see this”

“See what? Calm down man, there’s literally nothing to hide there; it’s just your face”

 “A fucking hid-“

“A perfectly normal face. And stop pretending you don’t know you’re attractive, it’s annoying”

Obito needs to hide ASAP. To say his face went red is an understatement; he looks like a tomato from ear to ear. The last person that said anything nice about his looks was his grandma, and lord knows she passed away a hell of a long time ago. The best next thing he can do is to change the subject: 

“So, anyway, do you like the village so far?”

“Yup, climate is nice in this part of the country and the people have been so nice to me, well, almost everyone” She winks after her last statement.

“Hey! I was just messing with you, think about it as ninja hazing.”

“Well, I literally passed out of chakra exhaustion”

“I wanted to ask you about that, as in why the fuck did that happen?”

“Well, I went a little too far ‘cause I was annoyed with you”

“But you only did about one or two jutsu, basic ones at that”

Before responding, Y/N orders another big bowl of pork ramen. She then continues: 

“My chakra reserves suck, actually. I might be fast and good with the sword, but I understand very little about jutsus since I never had any formal training” 

“Sorry, but how did they promote you immediately to chunin if you don’t know the basics?”

“One: my reputation as a merc. Two: an old favor.”

“An old favor?”

“Yup.”

“Care to elaborate?”

“Not really.” She says after she finishes the bowl of ramen. 

“…”

“C’mon, let’s go have a walk. And you’re paying, of course.”

“What? Why?”

“You owe me one, remember?”

Fuck my wallet right? I might as well forget about this week’s ice cream store visit. 

Both walk around the village for the next couple of hours, showing the sights and main places to Y/N and talking very little. Obito, in all his grumpiness, does not know how to hold a conversation after what she said to him in the ramen place. Him and attractive in the same sentence, how absurd that sounds to him! Assuming she must be messing with him, he gets grumpier and grumpier by the minute. 

When they reach the main square, Obito shows her the Hokage monument: 

“So this is the first, Hashirama Senju; the second, Tobirama Senju; the third Hiruzen Sarutobi; the fourth, my sensei, Minato Namikaze; and right next to him… me”

“You mean, in the future, right?”

“Yes”

“Alright, just checking if you are still in touch with reality”

“You’ll see, I’ll be the next hokage”  

It is about seven o’clock when they finish walking around the whole perimeter, and Y/N seems, rightfully, bored. She then signals that she wants to head home, so Obito accompanies her there, even though there is no need for that. 

“So this is my place. I guess I’ll turn in. It’s close to 24 hours anyway, so I think I can manage on my own”

“You sure? I mean… you understand”

“Yup, it’s fine. And hey, sorry that I dragged you out here”

She turns around, opens the door and starts to walk in, but before she can do that, Obito grabs her arm quickly and pulls her in close. Too close. At this distance, he can clearly see some sun freckles starting to form, when he closes into her eyes he notices he needs to back off a little. Taking a step back, the Uchiha clears his throat. He looks away and digs his hand into his pocket, fishing out a leaf bandana.

“Here, forgot to give you this. Take good care of it”

“I will, sir” Y/N responds while jokingly making a salute. 

Obito rolls his eye. This one thinks she’s a comedian, how funny.  

“Meet me tomorrow at the training grounds ok? You have the day off, Kami know I need some rest too. Bye” 

[wahbegan]

In Case Anyone Needs a Brief Rundown of The Suicide Squad...

Harley Quinn: Oh fuck you, you know who Harley Quinn is Col. Rick Flag: Commando. Pretty boring tbh not much to him Bloodsport: Hired killer with tech that allows him to pull sci-fi weapons out of hammerspace, basically. Shot Superman with a Kryptonite bullet at one point while working for Lex Luthor, which is apparently what he’s in prison for in this movie Peacemaker: John Cena. Fucking lunatic. Guy The Comedian from Watchmen was based off of. They’re going for a more comedic angle on him in this, but basically represents everything wrong with American Intervention. He will kill as many people as he has to for world peace. Ratcatcher: Daniela Melchior. Ability to telepathically control rats and uses them to commit crimes. Minor villain. This isn’t the original Ratcatcher, who was male, she’s apparently his disciple. This is a thing they do with minor villains in comics all the time, have someone else take their name. Black Spider, The Ventriloquist, hell there are 3 Bloodsports in the comics, but funny enough, Ratcatcher is one minor character they haven’t actually done this to. Yet. They might after this depending on popularity, tho King Shark: A shark man. Eats people. Weasel: Interestingly, just a guy in a deadly fursuit in the comics. Here, appears to literally be a weasel man. Captain Boomerang: Yeah thief with boomerangs who drinks too much because he’s Australian. Interestingly, a fucking Flash villain. Never understood that one. Who would win? A physical God who can run faster than time itself or one (1) drunk Aussie with a boomerang Thinker: Peter Capaldi. Genius who wears this “Thinking Cap” yeah i know which lets him use vaguely defined telepathic/telekinetic abilities. Polka Dot Man: The guy from The Dark Knight and Gotham. Golden Age Batman gimmick villain. All the “Polka Dots” on his suit are detachable gadgets like idk buzzsaws, flashbangs, little flying discs, just things that hit people, etc. Savant: Michael Rooker. Martial artist computer hacker vigilante type guy who’s brain is a little fucked up so he forgets shit easily idk much about him he’s not super interesting. His name is basically his character. He’s a savant. Javelin: The guy with the gorgeous blonde hair and the....javelin. He...throws javelins. That’s his power. Went up against Green LANTERN with a....fucking...javelin. Mongal: The incredibly buff orange one. Daughter of famed galactic conqueror Mongul, who you may know as that huge yellow guy in Justice League that put the evil starfish on Superman that put him in a hallucinatory dream world? Yeah anyway super-strong alien. Blackguard: Pete Davidson. Mercenary with a tech suit that lets him make laser weapons like a mace and shit. Incredibly minor villain, kind of a dumbass. Has a ridiculous purple pony-tail that i’m sad they scrapped in the comics. Fucking Booster Gold villain. Real, legal name is Dick Hertz. Dick. Hertz. TDK: Nathan Fillion. Don’t know, but widely rumored to be Arm Fall-Off Boy, who is a joke character who can pull his own arms off and use them as clubs. Starro the Conqueror: The giant Starfish Alien. Makes tons of little Starfish Aliens which attach to people’s faces and mind control them. Recurring and i think first ever Justice League villain. Milton: This guy, apparently. 

[toyboy-molloy]

reddie + dating profile

“Are you sure about this?”

Richie wasn’t listening. He was too busy filling out Eddie’s brand new Grindr profile, obsessing over the correct alignment of the adorable photo he’d taken of Eddie; he was wearing a comfortable sweater, hugging their dog, Samson. Eddie hadn’t been all too thrilled with a torso pic, as Richie had recommended but he had to admit this was much better. Finally, satisfied, he smiled and sat back, folding his arms.

“Sexy,” Eddie rolled his eyes, pausing his pacing to watch over Richie’s shoulder as he pulled the laptop into his lap, cracking his fingers ready to type, “so, like, do you want to lie about your age or what?”

“People do that?”

Richie shrugged, “some guys like to remain as anonymous as possible.”

“This is a stupid idea,” Eddie shook his head, resuming his anxious pacing. He chewed on his nail, wishing he still had his useless inhaler, “I mean, look at me. I’m a middle aged, recently divorced, former hypochondriac. I’ve only been gay for like a month! Like, who would want me?”

“You’d be surprised, dude,” Richie said, glancing at his friend out of the corner of his eye, “I’m sure you’ve been many a guy’s wet dream throughout your life.”

“Like who?”

“Doesn’t matter. Let’s just get this over with so we can get your dick wet, yeah?”

“What does that mean?” Eddie leaned over Richie’s shoulder, pointing at the top/bottom/vers selection, “I'm guessing that’s not about bunk beds.”

“No, Eds,” Richie couldn’t help but smile. He loved Eddie so much, “fucker, fuckee or don’t mind. Like, I’m totally the fucker.”

“Won’t argue with that,” Eddie could feel his cheeks heating up. He really wasn’t ready for that information to be out there. He wasn’t even sure he knew himself, “we’ll come back to that one.”

He half-suspected Richie a stupid comment but he didn’t say anything. He helped Eddie finish off his profile in relative silence, offering the odd comment or observation. Once the profile was complete and out in the world, Richie handed the laptop to Eddie.

“There you go,” Richie offered a quick, already turned to his phone, scrolling through his messages, “now just sit back and watch the dick pics flow in.”

“Oh, God...”

Almost immediately, Eddie received a message from someone calling themselves trashmouth76, approximately 0 miles away. The message simply said ‘sup ;)’. Eddie had to stare at the username several times before it sunk in. He turned to Richie, confused.

“Is this you?”

There was a slight blush on Richie’s face as he shrugged shyly, “maybe.”

Instead of asking Richie what the fuck he was doing shittily flirting with him on some gay app rather than in person, he said, “well, what do I do?”

"If you don’t like the person, you swipe left,” he indicated the action with his own phone, still refusing to look directly at Eddie, “if you...do, you swipe, um, right.”

“Like that?” Eddie copied Richie’s action, swiping right on Richie’s profile. The comedian nodded, lost for words. Neither of them said anything for the longest while, wondering what the fuck happened now. Eventually, Eddie broke the tension, “so, uh, are you looking for a hookup...or a date?”

“I haven’t waited like thirty years for a hookup, dumbass,” Richie said with a playful smirk but Eddie could tell he was as nervous as he was. Eddie smiled, too, ducking his head shyly.

“Well, I’d better get ready then.”

Richie’s eyes grew wide, “what, now?”

“Yeah. You’re right. We’ve waited so long already, why delay it any longer?”

“Yeah,” Richie was over the moon. He jumped to his feet and, as he was retreating to his room, he turned and gave Eddie finger guns, “you better get ready, Kaspbrak. I’m gonna romance the shit out of you.”

“I can’t wait,” Eddie said with a chuckle. And he really couldn’t.