#and i move constantly unless im pass-the-fuck-out-exhausted

[societysonlooker]

Hnnnnn when fandom is why you were able to talk to your therapist abt all the shit u THOUGHT was normal but apparently AINT

[shyrose57]

YOO BROTHERS ANON BACK FROM THE DEAD? My phone started to fucking die half way (like extreme lag, keyboard stopped working at times, sudden shut offs, etc) and I was too scared to work on this in fear it'd get deleted. But im fucking back and have a new phone so I was able to finally finish. Plus after I finished the Brothers AU stuff I decided I hated Tip of The Iceburg AU lore and wanted to redo it so held off til I got that mostly done. I'm also trying to redo From Future to Past a lil bit but thats going slowly and decided I already waited way to long. Some other stuff happened as well like falling out of the fandom (Breath of The Wild and Linked Universe I got into and am actually still kinda in) then getting tossed back in but, anyway there's some smaller details I left out of Rans time living in the wild but everything here is the big stuff. 

Keep in mind most of this happens when he's just 13. And he never acknowledges or treats his trauma, leaving it to build and affect him more and more over time. 

When Ran first steps out of Mizu and into the world, he has nothing but a sword at his back and a book with little information on how to survive at his hip. The book really only provides him how to make certain things (like tools) and some basic information (Spiders are passive in daytime, how to farm, and basic information about each nether biome). The book acts more like a brief overview of the overworld and little information on how to survive than an actual survival book. Because of this the book is basically useless, Ran eventually uses it as a way of marking down notes and ripping out papers to cover wounds and tie things. He quickly learns that sleeping in high places (like a tree or a hole in a mountain) is the safest possible place to sleep, as no mobs or people can get him. Though due to the nights of constant screaming from mobs, his own internal fighting, and eventual hunting, he develops insomnia and paranoia. Leaving him unable to close his eyes in fear of being ambushed, believing himself to be forever unsafe and in danger. When he does manage to sleep he keeps his weapons nearby (like in his hand or under his pillow) and jumps awake at the slightest sound. 

He moves around constantly, never staying in one place for more than 2 weeks. He eventually finds a snow biome and after seeing the little amount of mobs and knowing the snow is to deep for any sane human to try to travel through, he decides to stay there for a entire year and a half before moving again. During this time he grows both physically and mentally. He goes from being a small, lithe 5'5 13 year old to being a strong 6'7 15 year old. He also uses this time to come to terms with what happened and swear revenge against Ranbob for everything he's been through and everyone who's died. Even when Ran came to terms with what his brother did, the promise "Ill never abandon you." Continues to ring in his head, which does nothing but fuel his hatred, believing his brother has been lying to him ever since he was a child. While also growing his knowledge on the world and his survival knowledge, becoming an almost perfect survivalist. 

When he was first alone and dealing with all the emotions brought upon him, he finds out he's hunted very suddenly. He first approached Raq (who he didn't know at the time) when he was desperate and fresh out of Mizu, asking him if there's any nearby town or city or really anything. Raq pretends to want to help Ran and let's him stay at his camp, giving him food and a warm place to sleep. But its 2 full days later, deep in the night when Raq finally trys to attack him, aiming to incapacitate him. But Ran is able to escape him and run away but not without a injury. 

During the fight Raq manages to hit him, specifically on his left ear. He manages to cut deep, but not deep enough, leaving the top of his ear just barely hanging on. Ran runs away and actually has a bit of a head start due to him tripping Raq. But Raq manages to follow/track him, due to the blood flowing out of Rans ear. Ran eventually realizes Raq is tracking him by the blood trail he's leaving, so he stops, steals himself, and rips off the remaining part of his ear, barely holding back a yell, then Ran pushes his hand down on the wound and continues to run. Raq finds the ear and simply hums, intrigued by the lengths Ran will go to escape, before turning around, deciding to let Ran escape this time, because he knows he'll see him again. Ran continues to run, terrified and borderline crying due to the fear and pain. For the next 3 days he believes he is still being followed by Raq so he continues to run, never resting until he eventually collapses from exhaustion. His ear eventually heals over but never grows back, it becomes a reminder of the fact he is being constantly hunted by people and will never escape them. 

Ran encounters Raq a total of 32 times during his time living out in the wild. And every time Ran manages to get away, though sometimes more injured than others. Eventually it gets to the point Raq greets Ran like a old friend. After their 3rd encounter Raq starts to bring others with him, eventually he has 5 others helping him hunt Ran. Though Ran grows and is able to either outwit them by using traps or is just simply able to avoid them most of the time. Though he still gets hit at times, once he made a mistake and a trap failed, leading to him getting stabbed and passing out cause blood loss.

The Nether is less than kind to Ran but kinder than the overworld. He gets shot a lot from both ghasts and skeletons. And almost falls into lava multiple times. He gets stabbed and trips more times than he can count. But he actually manages to make acquaintance with the Piglins he meets due to him being polite to them and giving them gold for nothing in return. He actually is close enough to them to get directions for free and is even given resistance potions when Ran states he is leaving and not coming back as a farewell and stay safe gift. He ends up staying in the Nether for much longer than a normal person would and becomes adapt at traversing and surviving in it. It almost becomes his safe spot because the hunters have never followed him into the Nether. He would've lived there if he could, but due to the heat he isn't used too and the fact he just despised Ghasts more than the hunters, and they were everywhere in there, he didn't stay. But would often vist. Eventually he found netherite which he quickly covered his first and only diamond sword with. His sword also had the enchantments, sharpness 2, unbreaking 3, and sweaping edge. Over time and use the enchantments dimmed, only faintly remaining. At this point Ran had to flee his snow biome house due to a sudden attack, leaving behind the materials he needed to fix the enchantments and his sword. So he abandoned using it, but kept it cause it helped him through years of fighting, he can't exactly drop and leave it.

Extra stuff I couldn't find a way to fit in:

-Ran manages to find a village but actually gets kicked out cause he punches the blacksmith for upping the price of an iron sword.

-Ran slowly grows more cold, uncaring, rude, and harsh over time due to trauma. He doesn't realize he became this way due to untreated trauma until he arrives to The Pit where Watson is able to help him start to slowly heal. Which is why he becomes more open and joking in The Pit because he feels safe and loved. 

-When the group leaves The Pit he becomes cold and hard again due to habit. Its his way of subconsciously defending himself.

-His body is covered in scars due to the hunters and his brushes with mobs. 

-Ran knows how to tailor his own clothes and has made many different kinds of clothes, all designed for certain biomes. 

-Ran never farmed, he always hunted.

-Ran never really built anything, instead he preferred to dig into the side of a mountain or make shelter in a cave. Its only in the snow biome did he actually build a house. And even then it was very clearly meant to be a temporary house. Though he did end up living there longer than he intended. 

-He was at first extremely reluctant to kill, but was forced to kill hunters and animals multiple times. To the point he became almost numb to it and wouldn't hesitate to kill if he was threatened. 

-He would sometimes dream about his family only for it to end with them being slaughtered, which really messed him up and he would just lay in bed mindlessly every time it happened. These dreams still happen. 

Also a edit to when the brothers met in the Pit, Ran actually gets his hands on a broken trident accidentally left in the arena (its the front end only, and the middle spike is shorter than the rest due to a error when being made) and ends up tripping Ranbob then stabbing the trident into the ground over him (if that makes sense?), actually trapping Ranbob, with the middle spike just above his throat, leaving him unable to move unless he wants to cut his neck and trapped on the ground. 

Tip of The Iceburg:

So Karl's watch is still damaged. And Isaac is still the one to convince him to seek help from the others. But midway through the meeting Phil speaks up, mentioning how he found a book in a ruined village that had a replica of Karl's Watch etched into the cover, but is in a language he's never seen. After passing it around the table no one recognizes it. Everyone's discouraged until Foolish suggests they look for the other Travelers (what ima call the Tales people) and maybe one of them will know. Eventually, with picture pinning of supposedly who could be in their world, they all split off into groups to look. Ran is still the first found, but when he's shown the book he actually confirms a part of it is in a old enderman language that fell off long ago, he's able to translate half of that section but says that Ranbob, who studied old languages much more thoroughly than Ran can do the rest (cause here their still brothers but nothing in Brothers AU happened). Giving everyone hope. Eventually Ranbob gets found and translates the rest, but a great amount is still untranslated, which is a problem. So now its a journey of finding more people and mixing languages to find out the rest. 

A sudden twist to the story happens when Billiam joins, and due to his experience with the egg is actually able to translate a random page in the back of the book (the egg made its own language to prevent its plans being discovered). Where they find out the egg is what broke Karls watch, because to it humans are nothing but entertainment, and it gets joy seeing them suffer and wants to mess with their lives. When it gets revealed to the rest of the SMP what the page says, everyone gets pissed. And even when its found how to get the Travelers home they refuse to leave until the egg is destroyed, a few are mad at it and want revenge, others are scared and want to try to prevent it from coming into their time. Karl eventually relents and lets them join in making a plan to take down the egg.  

Also have some fluff scenarios with the brothers since its been a while:

-There's two types of resistance potions in their world, fire resistance and water resistance. The latter of which the brothers have memorized how to make. Their friends do not know water resistance exists. Which leads to the brothers pranking their friends by drinking some then jumping into a lake. Giving Watson a heartattack and making Isaac sob. The two quickly reemerge seeing their reactions and calm them and reassure them. After the explanation you can bet they got a talking too and where grounded. 

-Ran teaches Ranbob to fight!

-Ranbob teaches Ran to fish, Ran complains the entire time. 

-Ranbob responds by threatening to teach Ran how to farm. Ran stops complaining after that….mostly

-Everyone has found the brothers either asleep against each other or one asleep on the other at least twice. 

-*insert Arthur get out of the tank meme but instead it's Ranbob trying to get Ran out of a tree so he can greet people.*

-Ran has his first night in years without a nightmare! 

Now something else I'm planning to work on soon: What happened to Ranbob after Ran left Mizu?

I hope me sending stuff is still ok after so long of sending nothing. 

Good to have you back, Brothers Anon! And sorry to hear about your phone, that sounds like it must've a day.

--------

Brothers AU:

I see we're back to Traumatize The Brothers Time, fantastic.

The fact that Ran has these items on him is interesting. Did he just have them with him when he was fleeing? Did he have the time to grab them? Was he preparing ahead? What led to him having these useful tools on hand when he was forced to flee?

How does he fare with mobs, being a mob hybrid himself? I think it's somewhat been implied that he's good with Endermen, but what about others?

How do the gladiator gang go about helping with his insomnia and paranoia, if they are aware of it?

What's it like for him during his time in the snow-biome, since he's there for awhile? Does he make a more-permanent camp/shelter? Do anything particularly interesting?

Poor Ran! That must've been quite the shock for him, and I imagine it didn't help his trust issues.

How does he get to the Nether? Does he have a base there? What do the piglins think of him, and vice versa? How does the Nether life effect him overall?

What happened to those materials left behind? Where they discovered? Does he manage to go back and get them on the roadtrip? Do they visit his homes on the trip?

How does the group react to his sudden change when they're leaving? What kind of clothes does he make? Does he ever make some for the others? Does he enjoy it, or is it just because it's necessary?

How do the fishermen feel about the close call with the trident, and what happens to the weapon?

------------

Tip Of the Iceberg:

I don't remember if this was mentioned before, but was it Karl's watch that caused the issue then? Who wrote the book? Does the egg have a connection with them?

How do they fare with their plans to take down the Egg(and potentially the Eggpire, if that's a thing here)? How do those with previous experience with Egg feel about this, and what part do they play?

--------

Fluff! At long last!

I love how their thought process went to that. 'We can make water resistance potions, lets jump in a lake in front of our friends'.

That sounds like it should be entertaining.

Ranbob knows how to farm?

That's such a funny mental image. 'Ran, get out of the tree, you have to socialize'. 'Hissing'.

Yay, good for him!

Ooo, what?

Always.

[whumpsideblog]

Previous Parts

 @im-not-rare-im-rarr @constellationwhump​ @justwhumpitwhumpitgood​ @maybeawhumpblog​ @lumpofwhump​ @whumpity--whump--whump​ @inky-whump​ @castielamigos-whump-side-blog​ @ihaventwritteninsolong​

 ***

 He didn’t know what was going on, as the vampire sat him up, gently coaxing him to open his mouth. He could hardly think, just follow what he was told. When he brought his wrist to his mouth, urging him to drink from a deep gash, he couldn’t recoil in disgust, he simply did as he was told, too weak to even realize what he was doing. 

 Alastair’s blood didn’t have that metallic taste that Silas knew too well from constantly biting his tongue and biting his lip. It was like drinking something rotten, it was disgusting and he was surprised he didn’t throw up immediately. In fact, he was surprised that he felt better. His vision was clearing again, he could sit up on his own, he could actually think.

 He could realize that he was drinking a vampire’s blood. 

 He jerked away quickly, but deep down he knew it was too late. He could feel it spreading through him, a horrible burning pain that started in his stomach and spread to the rest of his body.

 “Now calm down love, there’s nothing you can do to stop this.” Alastair said when he saw the panic on his face. Silas quickly scrambled out of the bed, trying to put some distance between them, but as soon as he tried to stand he collapsed to his knees, clutching his stomach. 

 “M-make it stop, please!” He cried, breathing frantically. The pain was unbearable, he felt like someone had stabbed a knife into his heart and twisted it. 

 “But darling, didn’t you ask me to save you? This is what you wanted right?”

 “I didn’t know! I didn’t think you would do this!” He screwed his eyes shut, praying the pain would pass.

 “Oh, how else would I be able to do it?” He’d gotten out of bed, kneeling beside Silas. “Just calm down and don’t fight it, it’ll only make it hurt more and you’ll never succeed.” He pulled him into his arms, and Silas collapsed against him. 

 “No no no no… this can’t be happening, please, I- I can’t-“

 “Shhh, it’s okay.” He ran a hand through his hair, trying to comfort him. It wasn’t working. “Once it passes you’ll feel so much better.”

 He had no choice but to ride it out. He tried to get away from the vampire but as always Alastair was stronger than he was. His head was pounding, that moment of regained strength and clarity had long since passed. 

 “I don’t… I don’t want this…” He groaned. “This isn’t real- this is a nightmare, right? This isn’t happening, it can’t be happening…” He didn’t try to hold back his tears, he wished he’d just let himself die. This really was the worst possible scenario to him, and the pain was excruciating. He sobbed openly, hand clutching Alastair’s shirt, he didn’t care, it didn’t even matter anymore. He might as well have been dead, hell, technically he was, or, undead anyway. He didn’t care enough to think too hard about it. 

 Slowly but surely, the pain did pass. He no longer felt the need to vomit, the pain that gripped his heart slowly faded away. The pain was replaced by exhaustion, he could hardly keep his eyes open and barely move on his own. At least he was mostly aware this time.

 “Come on love, I’m sure you’re tired now.” Alastair slowly helped him up, helped him back into bed. “You’ll feel better when you wake up.” He smoothed his hair back, kissing his forehead before going to get into bed as well. 

 “I don’t think I want to wake up…” He murmured, covering his eyes with his arm. He never in his life thought he would wish for death, but it certainly sounded kinder than this.

 ***

  The first thing he realized when he woke up that evening was how hungry he was. He was still tired, but Alastair was already up and getting dressed and he knew he’d be forced out of bed sooner or later. He sighed as he sat up, running a hand through his hair. He’d had the worst nightmare, being almost killed, forced to become a vampire. It may have been a normal fear of his but he didn’t typically have dreams about it. 

 “How are you feeling, love?” Alastair asked, coming over and helping him out of bed.

 “Tired…” He murmured. He pulled away from him, he hated having to be helped to get dressed when he knew he was perfectly capable of it himself. “Hungry I guess.” He shrugged. He took his time getting dressed, before going to tie his messy hair back. He never really did feel like brushing it.

 “Come here, you look like a mess.” Alastair waved him over, having him sit down in front of a vanity table. As soon as he caught sight of his reflection, he screamed. “Oh calm down, I haven’t even touched you yet.” Alastair rolled his eyes, while Silas jumped to his feet.

 “No- no, that was a dream, it wasn’t real!” He was breathing heavily, already going into a full panic. 

 “What? Last night? I have a scar on my wrist that says otherwise.” He laughed. “Now come here, sit down.” He gently grabbed his arm but Silas jerked away from him.

 “Don’t fucking touch me!” He shouted. “Stay away from me!” He felt like he was going to throw up, it was supposed to just be a dream, a horrible nightmare. He couldn’t be a vampire, he just couldn’t. 

 “Silas,” He said gently, though he grabbed his arm more roughly this time, “Come sit down, you’re getting worked up. Remember, you asked me to do it.”

 “I- I didn’t… I didn’t know…” He allowed himself to be pulled back, forced to sit down. He stared at his reflection with wide eyes. He hated to see himself start to cry, but not as much as he hated the sight of bright red eyes and sharpened fangs. This wasn’t something he could hide, it wasn’t something he could forget about and certainly wasn’t something he could undo. Unless he could work up the courage to kill himself, he was going to have to live like this forever. 

 He furiously rubbed at his eyes with the back of his hand, while Alastair pulled the brush through his hair. He knew he’d have to face Dahlia, he’d have to tell her what happened. It would be impossible to hide this from anyone.

 “Why are you crying, love? If anything, this is an improvement.” He braided his hair back, while Silas had a hard time responding through his tears. “You’re stronger now, you’re immortal, doesn’t everyone long for immortality?” Silas shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut so he wouldn’t have to look at himself. “Oh, and the best part of course,” The vampire set the brush aside, draping his arms around Silas’ shoulders and pulling him close, “You have no reason to ever try to leave me.”

 ***

  Typically if Alastair brought Silas to see her, it was because one of them did something wrong. She was confused when she was woken up though, Alastair dragging her out of the cage. She saw Silas on the other side of the room, but he quickly looked away, almost hiding his face from her. She had the feeling something was horribly wrong. Alastair left them alone, which was odd, but she hopped that maybe things would be okay. He stopped to say something to Silas she couldn’t hear, before leaving the room.

  “Silas…?” She yawned, slowly getting to her feet. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?” She didn’t have to see his face to know something was wrong, she always knew. 

 “I… I made a mistake…” He started. “I, I tried to kill him last night, and I failed, and it… it’s bad…”

 “What? You look okay… Silas, look at me. What did he do?” She asked. 

 “I… I don’t want to tell you.” His voice cracked. She approached him slowly, cautiously. She had an awful feeling about this. 

  “Silas…” She said softly. “I’m going to touch you now, okay?” She raised her hand, resting it on his arm. “Look at me, please?” He hesitated a moment, before finally, reluctantly looking at her. She expected a lot, maybe a bloody wound, a missing eye, a horrible gash, something like that. What she didn’t expect though was ruby red eyes in place of bright blue ones.

 She didn’t mean to, but she couldn’t hide her reaction, gasping and taking a step back from him. He turned his head away again, but she’d already seen his eyes, seen fangs, all the evidence needed to know what happened.

 “I- I didn’t want this to happen, he almost killed me, and I, I was scared, I couldn’t think, when he o-offered to save me I just said yes b-because I couldn’t think, I just didn’t want to die-” He was rambling, he was going to start panicking if she didn’t calm him down. Despite her own rising panic, she forced herself to stay calm, for his sake. She’d have time to freak out later. 

  “Hey, hey, i-it’s okay…” She said softly. “Here, come sit down, okay?” She led him over to a couch in the sitting area of the large room, having him sit down and sitting down next to him. She kept a hand over his, looking up at him. “Tell me what happened, please?”

  “I… I tried to kill him… but he woke up, and he bit me hard, he’d never done it like this before… and I was dying, I know for a fact that I was going to die and when he offered to save me I just said yes because I was so scared of dying I didn’t even think about what he would do…” He wouldn’t look at her as he spoke, his voice shaking. Her heart hurt watching him, more vulnerable than ever. “I-I’m sorry… I didn’t want this to happen…”

 “Silas… please, don’t apologize… you didn’t mean for this to happen, I should’ve been there to help you, I shouldn’t have asked you to do it alone.” She squeezed his hand. “I promised we’d finish this together, I should’ve been with you. I’m sorry…” 

 “H-huh?” He looked at her, almost looking surprised. “No, no Dahlia, this isn’t your fault, please don’t blame yourself.” He insisted. She shook her head, blinking away tears.

 “I just… I can’t believe this happened to you… I wish I could’ve stopped it…” She quickly wiped at her eyes. “You’ll be okay, I know it, but… I’m sorry… I’m sorry he did this to you…”

 “I… I don’t think I’ll be okay.” He sighed. “I mean… I’m a fucking vampire now. I can’t, I can’t change this, I can’t fix this, if I want it to go away then I’ll have to kill myself and I just… I can’t, I don’t want to die!” He was beginning to panic again, running his hands through his hair anxiously. “How could I possibly be okay after this?!”

 “Well… you’re you. You’re very strong, Silas, you’ve always been okay, and I don’t think this will end you.” She assured him. “And… I’m here with you. I’ll always be with you, not matter what he did, no matter what you are, you’re still the same to me.” She tried to smile at him, holding her arms open for a hug. “Come here, please?” He started to lean in without hesitation, but suddenly stopped, pulling away.

 “It’s… not a good idea…” He frowned, moving away from her.

 “What? Why not?” She frowned, reaching for his hand again. He just pulled away though. 

 “I’m… hungry. I’m really, really hungry, that’s why he brought me in here, and I can’t do that to you…” He moved away from her slightly. “I can’t be like that, I can’t be like them, I don’t want to be…” She hesitated for a moment, she certainly didn’t want to have to do this, but if it was what Silas needed then she was willing to go through with it.

  “Silas… I know you won’t hurt me. If you don’t want to hurt anyone else, then you should do this now, before it gets worse…” She offered her wrist to him, watching him expectantly. “It’s okay, really.” She insisted. He looked to her wrist, only hesitating a moment before suddenly grabbing her arm, sinking his fangs into her wrist. She winced, biting down on her lip so as not to make too much noise. She didn’t want him to feel worse for this. 

 He seemed to relax as he did this, which made her feel better at least. It had been a long time since anyone had done this to her, in fact she’d hoped it would never happen again. She cared about Silas though, a lot, and if things got worse then he’d actually hurt someone, and neither of them wanted that. She knew one thing for sure though, as she watched the once human man she’d known for so long feed off her. She was going to make Alastair pay for what he’d done.

[cal-puddies]

without me 5 years || ashton irwin

part 1 can be found here!

Ashton’s eyes light up as he watches you walk in the room. It was a big night for him and he was so happy to have you and the guys be apart of it. He was accepting his 5 years sober chip.

It hadn’t been easy, he didn’t come home and everything was fixed. There were more slip ups.

You guys fought. A lot. Especially in the beginning, with the counselor, and you’d had to find a new one. They’d encouraged you to give him a kid when you didn’t feel it was right because they thought it’d help his recovery.

He went on a four day bender with alcohol when you’d adamantly said no, and he almost got himself moved back into Calum’s. But he came home and told you all about it, took a shower and then an Uber to a meeting.

He was going daily for a while. It was hard to be sober when most parts of your career are drinking or have drinks involved.

But at the end of most days, even the hardest ones, you two talked it out and went to bed together, he’d wrap you in his arms and tell you he loved you. He never wanted you to feel otherwise.

And you were pretty much always on tour with him now, the one he could depend on to keep him straight.

You didn’t mind. As long as he was healthy and happy and not using, you could deal. And he’d let you off the hook a lot too, spending the night playing games with Mikey so you, Luke, and Cal could go have a few drinks.

“Mike?” Ash asked, on one of those nights. “Do you think, while we were separated, that she ever saw anyone else?”

“Uh… guess I never really thought about it. She like disappeared for 3 months though.” He shrugged. “I dunno, Crys and I were so busy with the baby, that I don’t think either of us ever even texted her back after she congratulated us.” He bit his lip, “Cal would probably be the one to know.”

“Yeah… but I’m also afraid it might have been Cal… so would he really tell me?”

“I don’t think you should sell Cal short. He loves you so much, otherwise he wouldn’t have put up with all your bullshit. I really truly believe them when they say they’ve never done anything. I think you should too, and I think you should stop trying to accuse them of that.” Mike defended you, because he was sick of hearing it.

“I know you’re right.” Ash nodded.

“Besides… what good does it do you now to know that? If she did, it might upset you, even though you did too, and if she didn’t it also might upset you because you feel guilty or something. I just don’t see this as serving a purpose.” He shrugged.

“Yeah I get it. I just… sometimes feel like she’s keeping something from me.”

“Even if she is, I promise you there’s a reason for it, and I’d bet she doesn’t want to hurt you or it won’t affect you at all.”

“Mike… was I ever bad to her in front of you?” He asked.

“Only at the baby shower. You’d been off with her, like you’d been with us… but you never gave any indication of doing the things I know you did.” He shrugged.

“Hmm… I think I’m gonna go to bed, just in a weird headspace.”

“You gonna be alright dude?” Mike asked.

“Yeah. Just gonna get some sleep. You’re right.” He nodded.

You found him freshly showered and in bed with your laptop when you got back. “Hey babe,” you’d greeted.

“Hey… sorry,” he noticed you looking at your laptop, “mines dead and I wanted to watch something on Netflix.”

“That’s ok babe.”

Ash watched you for a minute before going back to the laptop. “D’you have fun?” He asked.

“Yeah. You?” You asked, disappearing to brush your teeth.

“Not really.” He admitted.

You came back out when your face was clean and teeth brushed, “what’s wrong?”

“I just… weird headspace.” He shrugged.

“Wanna talk about it babe?” You got on the bed next to him.

“Did you ever see anyone else?” He asked, not able to look you in the eye.

“When we were separated?” You clarified. He nodded and you took a minute to think back. “Not really. I mean I had drinks with one guy but it was never more than that. I was just… focused on you, and me and figuring out what us not together meant. It was a really tough time for me Ash. I barely saw the guys and I honestly didn’t want to. I wanted to figure out what it’d be like to lose all of you.”

“You never would have lost all of us.” He disagrees.

“Ash, after everything. I’d have needed a clean break. Because Cal or Luke would have always talked about you and how you’re doing, and I couldn’t bring myself to stop caring.” You sigh, “it would have been too much.” You admit.

It’s the first time in a long time Ash saw how truly vulnerable you were.

“I really almost fucked up the best thing that ever happened to me because I was so fucking selfish, all I could think about was me.” He gently touched your face.

You sighed, and kissed his palm, and then turned the lamp off next to the bed and tried to go to sleep.

But you barely did. Ash had no problem.

You were up and out of bed early, packing your stuff to get back on the bus. Ash was up an hour later than you and he looked at you, moving quietly around the room, getting dressed. He slipped out of bed and wrapped his arms around you from behind, kissing your cheek.

“I’m gonna meet Cal for breakfast, do you want me to bring you anything?” You asked.

“Um, am I not invited?” He checked.

“I’m meeting him in about 5 minutes. So unless you can get showered and packed in five minutes… don’t think you’re going to make it.” You shrug.

“You coulda woke me up.” Is all he said, getting in the shower.

But honestly, you didn’t want to, you wanted to talk to Cal alone, you needed to get out of the bad headspace Ash put you in before bed or it was going to be a long day.

You met Cal and his security on the elevator, they ask if Ash is joining because they’d want to get his guys, but you let them know that he wasn’t joining you. You dropped your bags at the bus, and then headed to the cafe around the corner.

“Talked to Mike last night,” Cal started, “said Ash asked him if he thought you and I saw each other while you were separated. And honestly baby, I’m so fucking tired of that question.” He groaned.

“Yeah, tell me about it.” You sighed. “I’m tired of constantly defending myself to him… I feel like he still looks for reasons to do this. He did it all the time when he was using.”

And that sparked a huge fight among the band.

Cal climbed in the bus after breakfast, you were right behind him, Luke let you know they were waiting on Ashton.

“Did you enjoy breakfast with my wife?” Ash asked, passing by you guys, to his bunk.

“What? No. We’re not doing this anymore.” Cal says. He follows Ash and pushes him into the back lounge, kicking Mike out, pushing him back toward where you and Luke are standing. “Fuck you Ash.” You all can hear him, and you’ve honestly never seen Cal this way before. “You’re wife loves you, I fucking love you, you’re my brother and I’d never do anything like that to you and neither would she. And I’m fucking sick of this. We don’t fucking deserve this Ash. Do you realize you put all of us through hell? Every single one of us has had to put up with something stupid, or idiotic with you and you just keep coming back to the same fucking thing with me and your wife and guess the fuck what? We don’t want anything from each other except friendship, the friendship we already are very happily involved in. I’m so fucking tired of this. She’s tired of this. Why the fuck do you think she needs a fucking friend, someone close that knows what’s going on? I’m just… im fucking done.” Cal says, storming out of the back without ever letting Ash say a word.

The friendship remained strained for awhile. Cal and Ash really didn’t speak for at least a few weeks. And then Ashton takes you both out to dinner to talk.

He starts with an apology and Cal just rolls his eyes, he doesn’t want to hear it.

“Cal. Seriously, just hear me out man. I know. I’ve been ridiculous with this. I just… I think I needed to find to a reason to deserve you two. Because I don’t feel like I do right now, and if you guys had been less than amazing then maybe I would…”

“Don’t do that. Don’t blame us. You fucked up Ash. We just did what we could to support you. This is a you problem. Me, and you’re amazing, patient wife, who has given up her life to help you, have done nothing but support you Ash, literally changed our fucking lives, and to pay us back you constantly accuse us of hooking up behind your back and you come here with the audacity to insinuate that we have something to do with it.”

Cal folds his arms over his chest and you let out a sigh. You frown at Ash and push away from the table, you briefly look at Cal, “I want to go home. Like LA home. I don’t wanna do this anymore.”

“Baby?” Ash asked.

“I can’t anymore. I’m exhausted Ash. I’m going home.” You left, walked out and got in a cab.

You were gone and so was your stuff when he got back to the hotel.

You only texted to let him know when you made it back to the states. You made it a point to answer at least 1 phone call a week and 2 texts a day. But you knew things needed to wait, and you needed a break. And Ash respected that. You’d been cooped up together for months on end, and you needed the space.

“Hey.” He drops his bag in the laundry room and comes to the kitchen where you were making dinner when he got home.

“Hi.” You greet.

He came around the counter and pulled you into a hug, “missed you on the end of the tour, I know Calum did too.” He kissed your cheek and then pulled away, and you pull him back in for a kiss. “I was honestly expecting divorce papers.” He explains.

“Well it crossed my mind the first few days. I won’t lie.” You turn back to dinner, “I was really mad when I left and tired and frustrated. Touring is your lifestyle, not mine and I was… just done. But after I got home and spent time around the house I realized that was rash.” You sigh, “but I never want that accusation to cross your lips again. I swear to god Ash, I will divorce you.”

“You know that’s the first time you’ve ever verbalized that threat? I mean, I’ve always known it was a possibility, but you’ve never said it.”

“Do you ever think, like, I could have chosen Cal if I wanted Cal, you know that? I had my opportunities. But it’s you Ash, it’s always been you. But I can’t make you see that. Cal can’t make you see it… I’m at my wits end with this.”

“I hear you, baby, I do.” Ash nods. “I’m… it’s off the table. Cal kinda read me the riot act about it too.”

“Good.” You’re quiet a moment, “you guys good?”

“Yeah, we are.” He nods, “so… are we? I mean I know we aren’t right now, but will we be?” He checks.

“Yes. I think we will be.” You nod. And then you’re quiet for a while. “Made your favorite.”

“I know. You always do.” He smiles.

And that brought you to year three sober. Year 4 was relatively unremarkable. You were proud of Ashton, absolutely, but you could tell he was getting antsy.

Luke and his girlfriend had a one year old, Mike and Crystal went everywhere with two toddlers, and Calum and his girlfriend had just gotten another dog, rounding their herd out to 4.

Luckily, you had a surprise for him tonight, after getting his five year chip.

The speech his sponsor gave the group was nothing short of inspired, and it made you even more proud.

Cal approaches you about half way through the party, “have you said anything?” He asks.

“No, I’m letting him do his thing. I’ll tell him in a bit.” You shrug.

“You look proud.” He smiles softly at you.

“I’m very proud. He’s worked so hard.” You agree.

“He has, he has. But don’t discount yourself here baby. You’ve also worked hard.” Cal reminds you. He wraps his arm around your shoulder and kisses the side of your head.

Ash finally makes his way to you and shows you his chip with a big grin on his face. “I’m so proud of you Ash.” You grin, pulling him into a hug.

“Thanks baby.” He pulls out of the hug and grins at you. “I love you.”

“I love you.” You smile, “and I need to tell you something.” You see worry flash in his eyes and you gently squeeze his hand. “It’s ok baby. I’m pregnant.” You say quietly.

“Wait what?!” He asks, completely shocked. “I’m gonna… we’re… baby?”

“You’re gonna be a dad. I’m 14 weeks.” He holds his hand over his mouth like he might cry, and you just lean up and kiss his cheek. “Tell everyone when you want, this is obviously a very important milestone, but I know you’ve wanted this and it seemed like the right time.”

He nods and turns to face the most people, and very loudly announces, “I’m gonna be a dad!” He turns back to you and pulls you in for another hug.

Taglist: @cocktail-calum @1dthewantedlove @september09241994 @youngblood199456 @lustingforwunder @calumsphile @neso-k @rosecoloredash @radmcqueen @justayoungandwisefangirl @itsnotmyblood @slimthicccal @softboycal @lietoash @pushthetide21​ @5sosfanficrec​

masterlist || ashton || calum || luke || michael

wanna be tagged? go here

[wildfangz]

@liliithvatore tagged me in that simself thing thats been goin around DAYS ago but here it finally is! also thank you for the tag this was fun :-]

I tag @slythersim @thelurgoyf @seoulchii @weicyn @solitasims @daisydezem @raha-plays-the-sims if they want to do it & anyone that just wants to do it in general! message me and I’ll even @ u directly if u want. 

anyway lets DO THIS shitload of questions under the cut u’ve been warned!!!

1. what is your name?

julian

2. what is your nickname?

jewel, jules

3. birthday?

oct 26th

4. what is your favorite book series?

percy jackson and the olympians will probably always own my heart & soul

5. do you believe in aliens or ghosts?

yes & yes. tho i do think a lot of alien sightings and conspiracy theories and what not are bullshit

6. who is your favorite author?

maggie stiefvater probably? also cornelia funke but its been years since ive read anything by her so i cant be sure BUT i loved inkheart & the thief lord so much

7. what is your favorite radio station?

ummm when i listen to the radio at all i kinda just switch between two rock stations and our popular music station.

8. what is your favorite flavor of anything?

blue raspberry !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tasty and i love a blue tongue

9. what word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful?

cool. or bitchin’.  i play it simple

10. what is your current favorite song?

hands like houses - revive

11. what is your favorite word?

roulette and inhibition which i never get to use either as much as i want !

12. what was the last song you listened to?

emarosa - givin’ up ! its a bop!

13. what tv show would you recommend for everybody to watch?

the new she-ra on netflix its so good. and gay

14. what is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down?

moana. its also like the only movie i dont have trouble getting thru despite how many times ive already seen it

15. do you play video games?

16. what is your biggest fear?

idk... being inherently unlovable i guess n ending up alone? also spiders !

17. what is your best quality, in your opinion?

im fairly open-minded and laid back. Unless someones being like, purposely nasty or something I generally don’t get defensive or aggressive. also a lot of little quirks that piss others off dont bother me im very u do u as long as its not actually harming anyone and ive had people tell me this makes it easier to open up to me so thats probably my best quality....

18. what is your worst quality, in your opinion?

....at the same time though i do get very sensitive when faced w/ criticism even if its of the fair variety when its not phrased really gently for various reasons and i dont like that. especially since I have a tendency to not even talk to people about it. I’ll just immediately start distancing myself. also other than that i think overall I have a really high tolerance lvl but if you cross that line I hold a grudge like a motherfucker

9. do you like cats or dogs better?

cats! dogs are good too but cats are a lot easier for me to handle...and quieter generally but even when they’re loud cat sounds dont get to me quite as much as barks do

20. what is your favorite season?

autumn but im starting to really like summer for some reason? wack :/

21. are you in a relationship?

nope

22. what is something you miss from your childhood?

the lack of responsibility, probably. that sounds real bad lmao but for me its like...I know I’ve grown in various ways over the years but I also feel like so many of my experiences, my trauma, my mental health has held me back and I don’t think I’m mentally where I should be for my age. so all the responsibility of adulthood is just..really overwhelming for me sometimes, even though ive been given a pass from certain aspects of it and the rest is pretty simple its the idea!!!!

23. who is your best friend?

my ex

24. what is your eye color?

25. what is your hair color?

26. who is someone you love?

my mom

27. who is someone you trust?

not really anyone rn unfortunately...would like 2 work on that

28. who is someone you think about often?

are my OCs a fair answer because i am always thinking about my babies.....

29. are you currently excited about/for something?

my favorite webcomic (that also has two of my all time favorite characters in it) just came back!! the artist disappeared back in 2015 like the day after I binge-read the whole fucking thing & i was so disappointed but its BACK and 2018 has been redeemed

30. what is your biggest obsession?

sims probably! i could talk about anything relating to it for hours

31. what was your favorite tv show as a child?

there were so damn many its hard to even think and figure out the most notable ones...i really, really liked teen titans though?

32. who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone?

my ex, again

33. are you superstitious?

not terribly so but somewhat. I take certain things as signs and I mean I do believe in astrology & such to a degree

34. do you have any unusual phobias?

i used to be afraid of mirrors but thats all i can think of and its not even a thing anymore...the only other thing is tornadoes but i dont think its unusual. but it definitely sucks for me ‘cause i live in tornado alley!

35. do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it?

behind it....like taking pretty pictures and dont like ppl capturing my image 2 film

36. what is your favorite hobby?

sims.....also singing!!! and drawing!!!! video editing!!!!!!!!! the works

37. what was the last book you read?

The Dream Thieves....havent finished it though because last time i went to read it a spider was lying in wait and im traumatized

38. what was the last movie you watched?

coco i think???

39. what musical instruments do you play, if any?

drums, various other percussion instruments, and violin mainly

40. what is your favorite animal?

ferrets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

41. what are your top 5 favorite tumblr blogs that you follow?

uhhhhh @bratsims @liliithvatore @cabsim @wildlyminiaturesandwich @keysims pls dont feel bad if i didnt include u these were just the first to pop into my head and ive been following some of them since I first made my blog!! and have kept up with their stories completely and enjoy them etc check them OUT !

42. what superpower do you wish you had?

shapeshifting!!! dysphoria? gone. ugliness? gone. want to morph into a fucked up clown and scare people when they realize all the classic clown features are a real actual part of my face? possible!

43. when and where do you feel most at peace?

chillin’ at the pool in summer during the part of the day when no ones there.... swimming is always relaxing 2 me then i love just resting under the sun and drying off afterwards especially since we have a little pond nearby and i can hear the water! its nice

44. what makes you smile?

always and without fail? interacting with anyone i have a crush on. i’ll look like a dope the whole time

45. what sports do you play, if any?

i used 2 play basketball a lot. Like not seriously but it was a thing

46. what is your favorite drink?

dr pepper and monster energy (original flavor) pumps through my veins at this point. we love a carbonated beverage

47. when was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody?

two years ago for my ex and I’s first year anniversary... I never got it mailed but I did at least take a picture of it (with included caption because my handwriting is atrocious). i was very up front about being a romantic and see heres the PROOF

48. are you afraid of heights?

nope! very excited by them actually

49. what is your biggest pet peeve?

i cant stand passive aggressive behavior. my stance is either get over it or quit acting like a bitch because otherwise im just going to ignore you thats the scorpio way (in all seriousness I really, really do recommend not putting up with it and ignoring it until they decide to be up front with you. it can be exhausting constantly reading into conversations and its not healthy for you or them. if they have something to say they need to learn to talk about it properly, and that lack of social skills is not ever on you)

50. have you ever been to a concert?

yep! i think about....six or so? i love them...which is really funny im autistic and EVERYTHING about them should freak me out and they do in other circumstances but at a show i just live for it

51. are you vegan/vegetarian?

nope! ive thought before id like to go vegetarian...but i couldnt do it with my health problems. also i love shrimp too much

52. when you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?

ive always wanted to do something creative! when i was rlly young I thought a lot about singing and acting and writing in particular...all things im still interested in.... also i wanted to be a dictator ages 4-7 because i told my mom i wanted to be president of the world and make people do what i say and she said “honey thats a dictator not a president”. i then made that known at school and that turned into a situation!

53. what fictional world would you like to live in?

pokemon universe or bust. 

54. what is something you worry about?

never being able to do things i want to do or catching up with others because of my disabilities

55. are you scared of the dark?

yes but a reasonable amount i think

56. do you like to sing?

yes :]

57. have you ever skipped school?

yes i used to play sick a LOT and as my parents caught onto it id even go all out to convince them. i was good at school but i hated it so much

58. what is your favorite place on the planet?

dunno! malls maybe i love shopping and looking at material objects i wish to own

59. where would you like to live?

oregon! portland in particular thats been my dream for a few years now

60. do you have any pets?

a cat! he lives with my dad & grandma though...hes grown up there and likes going outside so I felt bad about taking him with me when i moved out but anyway this is him hes fat and stupid and i love him his name is coffee

61. are you more of an early bird or a night owl?

night owl because my rhythm is all fucked up but in my heart....an early bird...if i get a good nights sleep i’ll be up early yacking your ear off and so excited for the day

62. do you like sunrises or sunsets better?

sunsets are prettier...but sunrises feel more refreshing

63. do you know how to drive?

nope ! im gay !

64. do you prefer earbuds or headphones?

headphones. better sound quality also discourages people from talking to me slightly more

65. have you ever had braces?

nope! but i need them

66. what is your favorite genre of music?

post-hardcore maybe?

67. who is your hero?

every trans person living their truth and being open and loud about who they are past present & future. the worlds not particularly kind to us and our existence alone is considered a radical act, so its always given me hope to see others refusing to pretend to be someone they’re not in this environment and I’ll always have mad respect for that

68. do you read comic books?

i read manga and webcomics...ive always wanted to get into superhero comics but the amount of issues and different versions is ridiculous and makes it inaccessible 2 me 

69. what makes you the most angry?

i mean its hard to pinpoint what makes me angry the MOST...but a contender is definitely how some people feel free to treat others with cruelty and think its their god given right to deny or attack someones existence in some way, & how acts of kindness, even the most basic are branded as liberal bullshit or whatever....it goes against everything i was taught growing up

70. do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book?

real book! electronic device can be easier but....rough on the eyes after a while and nothing beats the real thing for me

71. what was your favorite subject in school?

language arts...at least when we did creative writing stuff

72. do you have any siblings?

two older sisters & an older brother that passed away years ago but. still my brother u kno

73. what was the last thing you bought?

mocha frappe baby!!!!!

74. how tall are you?

5′4″

75. can you cook?

a little bit....not as much as id like to though but im learning

76. what are three things that you love?

storms, cheesy breadsticks, and cat purrs

77. what are three things that you hate?

unnecessary rudeness, being talked down to or generally treated like im stupid, grapefruit which is the worst thing on this list

78. do you have more female friends or more male friends?

female i think?

79. what is your sexual orientation?

im the big bad promiscuous bisexual your parents warned you about

80. where do you currently live?

oklahoma. gofundme campaign to get me out

81. who was the last person you texted?

my friend jojo! just Now!

82. when was the last time you cried?

yesterday afternoon but im a changed man now thats behind me. i will cry about different things soon

83. who is your favorite youtuber?

the mcelroy brothers. also super best friends play. matt, pat & woolie are all great tbh

84. do you like to take selfies?

depends on whether i feel ugly or terribly dysphoric that day or not

85. what is your favorite app?

ummmm....love live school idol festival ive been playin for years its an addiction

86. what is your relationship with your parent(s) like?

dad = bad mom = okay. theres some issues that strain it but its not too bad

87. what is your favorite foreign accent?

i have no idea what the fuck australians are talking about half the time but i dig it anyway 

88. what is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit?

Italy, Greece, Germany, Japan, Mexico, various other states (ive only been out of state three times. twice to texas and then once to kansas. for five minutes)

89. what is your favorite number?

6!! 26 also

90. can you juggle?

ive always wanted to but alas.... :-[

91. are you religious?

i suppose...but im rlly not into organized religion

92. do you find outer space of the deep ocean to be more interesting?

space probably theres so fucking much of it man!

93. do you consider yourself to be a daredevil?

not to brag but sometimes i eat my mcdonalds hamburgers cold from the fridge so you can figure that one out yourself B)

94. are you allergic to anything?

pecans. not deathly allergic though so catch me eating turtle pie anyway! 

95. can you curl your tongue?

nope :[

96. can you wiggle your ears?

nope :[

97. how often do you admit that you were wrong about something?

usually as soon as i realize....unless someones being real smug and annoying then i might be stubborn about it

98. do you prefer the forest or the beach?

ive never been to the beach but i love her!!!

99. what is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you?

probably that you have to look at your accomplishments differently when you’re disabled or just struggling, to not be so down on yourself because its a fact that what might be a mole hill to someone else is a mountain to you and you have to judge yourself accordingly. Like maybe you weren’t able to clean the whole house, but washing the dishes and tidying your desk doesn’t usually get done but you did it. That that should be celebrated because while it would also feel good if you did more, you still did something and thats great all things considered.

100. are you a good liar?

sometimes, really depends what im lying about and if im like....into it at all. If my guts against it for whatever reason I’ll have trouble

101. what is your hogwarts house?

i always get slytherin or hufflepuff! usually with like 1 point difference

102. do you talk to yourself?

i am talking to myself right now as i fill this out

103. are you an introvert or an extrovert?

extrovert mainly! i used to think i was more introverted but now i think a lot of exhaustion when theres any comes from me just going the extra mile and actively trying to read people and pick up on social ques.... if I just chill im fine

104. do you keep a journal/diary?

nope...ive tried but i just cant keep up with it so i do the next best thing. shouting into the void on the internet to a bunch of strangers

105. do you believe in second chances?

depends on what you did the first time. Some people just don’t deserve taking that risk imo...but i can be a little guarded so maybe thats a bit too harsh

106. if you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do?

turn it in, unless there was no identifying things in it & it was found somewhere kinda random. Then I’d maybe hold onto it unless my gut challenged that

107. do you believe that people are capable of change?

absolutely. i mean thats all we do throughout our lives is change and evolve...that being said I think extremely drastic changes are maybe not entirely impossible, but extremely rare, and the residue of the former self usually sticks around in some form

108. are you ticklish?

yes, dangerously so

109. have you ever been on a plane?

nope

110. do you have any piercings?

one day hopefully!

111. what fictional character do you wish was real?

asra from the arcana.....even if he wasn’t my boyfriend thats just a dude u could chill and eat some pomegranates with u know. Before I downloaded the app my friends kept telling me he was made for me and he really was he ticks like everything on my Favorite Characters Feature List except villain but he has that particular allure & attitude i like so much in villains so thats not a single point off hes perfect

112. do you have any tattoos?

nope...one day! hopefully!

113. what is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far?

accepting my genderqueerness and bisexuality definitely. Self Love hasn’t been perfected just yet but that was such a huge step in the right direction

114. do you believe in karma?

yes! she doesn’t get shit done as much as id like however

115. do you wear glasses or contacts?

glasses. not contacts yet because my eye doctor is a bitch

116. do you want children?

I do....just not sure if id be a good parent. Its really important to me if I had a child itd be for the right reason and I could raise them well in a healthy environment & be able to take care of all their needs yknow

117. who is the smartest person you know?

probably my friend jojo

118. what is your most embarrassing memory?

one time i looked outside and the sunset was really pretty and i wanted to get a photo of it so i walked out.....and stood like right by the street so there weren’t trees in my way...and then i realized mid-pic 1) i am not wearing pants & my shirt is full of holes 2) id been depressed for days so my hair was a tangled mess. I tailed it back inside so i didnt even get a nice pic it was blurry!

119. have you ever pulled an all-nighter?

120. what colour are most of you clothes?

black i didnt even have to think about that one

121. do you like adventures?

they are pretty swell

122. have you ever been on tv?

a few times when i was little. always photobombing the news reporters 4 what i thought would eventually lead 2 fame & fortune

123. how old are you?

21

124. what is your favorite movie quote?

this is technically lyrics to that lil song in moana at the end but

“ They have stolen the heart from inside you. But this does not define you.”

hits me hard every time! emotional impact? i know her

125. sweet or savory?

sweet!!!!!!!! gotta balance out my bitter somehow

[kingofthegummybears]

TW trigger warning : emotional abuse , abuse , depression , idk general just mental health issues too

Hey I’m filled with terrible feelings so Im gonna rant about the worst time of my life that I can remember. This was in may of this year where quarantine was at its height and all I could do was stay at home and i used the internet to stay connected to everything and everyone. 2 or 3 days before mother’s day mom and I had a huge argument and she proceeded to ignore me all the way through the day after mother’s day. So we didn’t celebrate mother’s day, i didn’t make her the special dinner id planned and while I did baker her her cake and tell her it was ready, we didn’t eat it together.

When she finally talked to me again she decided to blame me for all of it, telling me that i should’ve let her get her emotions out and not argued back because of the holiday coming, and i should’ve tried harder to celebrate mother’s day. So i got lectured and ignored again for a day or 2 but then i had a job interview, which went well not much issue i ended up getting the job but on the way home we argued again over a freak out i had beforehand over a forgotten wallet which could’ve fucked up the whole thing. The argument led to her kicking me out of the house with nothing except the clothes i was wearing and my wallet. it was 3pm in may in texas, it was like 100 degrees and i was wearing all black with a binder on. I walked around for hours and developed heat sickness before wandering into a fire station who then got a cop to bring me home, and that was it. I was dizzy and thirsty and exhausted. i passed out on the floor for 2 hours unable to move and mom ignored me.

After all this it was about midnight and so she came to me room and had a lil chat where she basically just told me she had decided to take away my phone and computer as punishment for arguing, as if the suffering i had been through wasn’t enough, i told her that human beings need social interaction to properly function and she said “don’t psychoanalysize me” like whAt who was doing that. but yeah i went through some shit it was terrible and then to top it off i couldn’t even call my boyfriend and cry i had to sit with myself alone with no music to drown out the bad things.

I was also at the peak of my mental health issues during this time and couldn’t properly do anything unless i was talking to friends regularly and listening to music to take my mind off it all. So she left me with none of that. All i was allowed to do was sit in my room in silence with a sketchbook or read or do chores for weeks, I wanted to die. after a few days had managed to negotiate 2 hours (8pm to 10pm) every day I could use my phone, but half of the time my friends weren’t even free to talk to me. I would sleep until 1pm and take 2 hour showers daily just to pass time because the only thing I lived for was getting to talk to them, especially my boyfriend. I was yelled at daily for not doing chores and for sleeping in late, but I could barely even get out of bed yknow? Also Sometimes the lock on my phone would unlock from 8am to 10am due to a glitch and My boyfriend started to stay up until the morning so he could get another chance to talk to me sometimes. we were both destroyed by this. We’re a very dependent couple, we rant to each other about issues and we help each other work through things. we don’t function well if we don’t get enough time to talk to each other frequently.

When it was finally over my mom used the threat of punishment like that as a threat constantly because she knew it terrified me and it would make me do anything she said if she threatened to take away that connection. Later in august for her birthday she told me she wanted me to make her birthday extra big to make up for me ruining Mother’s day. i ended up buying her a new TV with my work money and then cooking her dinner and a cake.

OH and mom never looked for me after kicked me out, she left a water bottle on the front step and sat on the patio. the cop had to call her on the phone TWICE because she was too far away and couldn’t even hear the door bell and then didn’t answer the phone the first time.

Im done now, sorry it’s so damn long

[aceofaces20]

What would be a valid thing to submit as evidence for adhd? I feel like my teachers never noticed anything, all it ever says on my report is 'quiet', and im in the uk and you need school reports for diagnosis, and i feel like i wont be taken seriously cos they dont say 'bouncing off the walls' or something

I feel you, nonny. I wasn’t diagnosed until college because I was just “quiet.”

Odds are, if a lot of the symptoms add up enough to make you SUSPECT you have ADHD, you probably have it. But more research is always good!

So like many things, ADHD is a spectrum. The two ends of it are Inattentive to Hyperactive- and then you have people like me, in the middle, with the Combined version. Some people have more Inattentive than Hyperactive, some have more Hyperactive than Inattentive. Everyone who has ADHD experiences the symptoms a little differently.

You can find about six thousand symptoms lists online, but here I’ll tell you things that usually don’t end up on those lists that my therapist told me a lot of her patients ended up experiencing aside from listed symptoms.

(Note: Initially I tried to keep these short. Yeah, that didn’t work. I bolded the important parts.)

1. Insomnia, or at least a super screwy sleep schedule. No joke, this can be super detrimental and will only serve to exacerbate your symptoms. “Just set a sleep schedule!! You’ll feel better!” they all say- Thanks Barbara if I had any control over when my brain chooses to sleep at all I wouldn’t have this issue, ok?

-a solution to this is to, in all actuality, condition yourself. Start ONLY using your bed for sleep. Get a little chair or something in your room if you’re also a hermit like I was growing up (mushroom chairs are gr9) and once you get out of bed, don’t let yourself get back on it for more than a few minutes unless you’re going to sleep.

Some nights it’s not enough, but in general for me personally this has been an actual lifesaver- I can go from being not tired to exhausted at the drop of a hat in normal life anyway (another symptom they don’t usually tell you about) so it’s nice to be able to make it work for me for once- I get into bed, maybe spend 30 minutes restless and then I’m out.

2. On the subject of sleep. You kids ever heard of the sleep of the dead? Because guess what, I have ignored literal fire alarms in dorms because of it. About 1-2 hours into my sleep I enter a state akin to a bear hibernating. I have slept through wake-up alarms, slept through emergency alerts, slept through FIRE alarms, slept though friends and family attempting to wake me… you get the picture.

3. On the note of the hibernating bear. You constantly wake up angry (or at least disgruntled) at the universe and take a really, really long time to power on. No, I’m not talking “a case of the mornings.” I’m talking it takes me until noon some days to actually feel somewhat alert. I’m talking feeling nothing but seething rage at anyone who tries to engage you in higher brain function before you’re fully awake.-the seething rage is more personal to me, but, every single last one of my friends who’s ADHD has issues getting up in the morning. There’s hating mornings, and then there’s hating mornings.

4. About mornings. You’re constantly late to anything in the morning because you just couldn’t “get going.” i.e., you knew and 100% wanted to get up and get moving but your brain said “nah, let’s just sit here on tumblr mobile for a while k?”-it’s very difficult to describe this part of executive dysfunction with words, because it comes off as laziness to a lot of neurotypicals. It’s not laziness. It’s having the motivation and and will and the drive to do something and not forgetting about it and it still doesn’t get done.

“Why didn’t you do x?” they’ll ask. And you just sit there thinking shit, you meant to, really, honest to god meant to, it was on your brain to do and yet all you could actually do that day was sit around and watch terrible TV. And then you feel terrible because YOU think you’re lazy.It’s not laziness. It’s executive dysfunction.

5. Another not so well known EXDYF fact: Mental math or memorization for you will always be the literal bane of your existence. Teachers always told me I was a “smart kid” in school (I am, but not the point) and then they’d wonder why I couldn’t memorize a five line poem.

Or I’d start off with a 60 on a math test, until my teacher would comb through my work by hand (only useful math teacher I ever had in high school tbh) and I’d end up with a 92 because nearly all of my mistakes involved basic arithmetic errors. Even though I was able to use a calculator on the test.

(One time I decided 21-19=14. To this day 8 years later I still do not know from what abyss my brain pulled that info from.)

“You’re smart! Just focus!” I can’t choose what my brain decides to focus on that easily, Sharon, not without a lot of crying and panicking.

6. But wait! You say. I have really obscure information from a fandom that I can infodump on someone at a moment’s notice! Surely that means I’m just Lazy and Unmotivated, right? I guess I just can’t be bothered to memorize the important stuff.

*Loud buzzer noise* Stop right there. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

I will take you by the shoulders and look deep into your eyes and make you realize that guess what? If you have an ADHD brain, you have NO control over telling your brain what is important and what is not. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Your brain decides, and you usually get no say in the matter.

This sounds bad, I know. And in terms of school, birthdays, appointments, it’s terrible. But you’re not helpless. It sounds trite, but, get a good goddamn calendar app on your phone and use the hell out of it for appointments and birthdays. And for school? Find those fandoms and use mnemonics. No, seriously.

7. Also on school: You procrastinate the hell out of everything. And I’m not talking normal “haha I’ll do it later!” procrastination. I’m talking serious, problematic, REPEATED “why the fuck can’t I just do it on time like a normal person” procrastination where you start blaming yourself for not doing it sooner like a neurotypical.

Listen, buddy ol’ pal (or however that goes), you’re not neurotypical. But listen- there’s actually a medical reason why you do this.

So everyone’s brains have reward systems, right? Your brain gives you the feel good when you do something you think you should. And later, a brain remembers that it got the feel good for doing the thingy thing.

In a brain with ADHD, that reward system malfunctions. Sometimes critically. Your brain chucks so much stuff it deems “unnecessary” out the window it chucked out that feel good you got when you turned in that homework on time, or cleaned out your car, or did some pilates for 30 minutes.

8. You want to know what doesn’t help with number 7 there? Another thing that won’t show up on symptom lists but that virtually everyone I know with ADHD (quite a few, actually. Turns out we hang out in packs because we’re usually the only people who can understand each other) about ADHD is how daunting large tasks or projects seem to an ADHDer.

So listen, more medical talk here. Remember that EXDYF thing? Yeah, this is part of that.

EXDYF makes it very, very hard (almost impossible, sometimes) to break down large tasks into smaller, more feasible tasks. You get nervous the longer you put off that paper (“this isn’t something you can spit out overnight!”) You’ve been sitting in front of your computer for hours, and the only word you have written down is “The”.

Honestly, I’m not sure why it’s actually super hard to break down large undertakings into smaller tasks for the ADHD brain. But! Solution.

-if you’re having a problem breaking down ANY sort of task, I promise there’s someone else who’s done it online.

Need to write a paper? Use a template. Need to clean out your car? Find a checklist, or have a friend make you one (cause Lord knows I can’t make one on my own). Need to make a presentation? Find a sample one online. Hell, this even works for taxes. (Gasp!)

Do NOT be afraid to ask for help with even personal large undertakings. If your friends are actually your friends, then they’ll relish the chance. Especially when you can turn around and blaze through a quarter of the important project you two (or however many) have due next week in four hours because of hyperfocus.

9. So, your focus. Totally trash, right? That is, until you hyperfocus.

Hyperfocus, to a neurotypical, probably sounds great. Tune out all distractions and get shit done, right?

Sure, Linda, if you can call being able to ignore things like the need to sleep, eat, and use the bathroom “tuning out distractions.” Time becomes a literal illusion. And damn do you pay for it later by your brain not wanting to do anything at all.

On the flip side, this is why ADHD people make fantastic emergency workers like EMTs and firepeople. If you learn what to do with adrenaline when you start feeling it, you feel like you could punch Satan himself when you’re riding an adrenaline+hyperfocus high. Combine that with the fast-paced, unexpected nature of such jobs and and you have a happy ADHD brain because it’s never bored.

10. Because boredom feels like death. No, Cheryl, I’m not being overdramatic. Yes, Becky, I recognize everyone has to deal with boredom.

A neurotypical’s boredom and an ADHDer’s boredom are two very different levels of boredom. Ever heard the phrase “bored to tears”? Now imagine every time you get even a little bored, it’s like this.

And of course, the ADHD hell brain remembers the bad feels of being bored but can’t recall how nice it was to remember all of the answers on a quiz that one time you paid attention in class.This is why I have the worst problems doing homework and housework, or in general anything with serious repetition (exercise, cooking, driving, tidying up etc.). I can do it for maybe 10-15 minutes, and then my brain’s like “k I’m good. Next source of input please?” like, brain, I’m only like 3 feet into washing the kitchen floor. P l s.

11. Speaking of tears. Has rejection by someone you value ever felt like you wanted to quit existing on the spot, or at the very least wanted to move to an ice cave in Greenland and cry for the rest of your life? Even if the rejection was just perceived rejection and your friend was just expressing grumpiness at something else?

Even if your logic says “they didn’t reject you calm down you’re overreacting?”

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. It’s a newer term, but honestly, once I found out about my own ADHD and this bitch of a symptom a loooooooot of my weird habits started making a lot of sense in my head.

It doesn’t have to be actual “rejection”. It can get set off from stuff like awkwardness (hence my personal resistance to making Adult Phone Calls) to disbelief (a huge, huge reason so many people go undiagnosed), to personal judgment and/or criticisms (oh, ok… I guess I’ll never mention my love for X ever again) to even just indifference (no one noticed I mopped all the floors in the house… guess I’ll just go die!).

Basically, if you perceive that someone you care about has dismissed you in some fashion, you literally just want to quit existing. On the spot. Because the feeling of it makes you feel sick, your chest gets tight, you can feel it in your hands, and it makes the rest of your day miserable.This variant is more likely with people you care about, but can definitely 100% happen with strangers too.

Another variant is this: if you perceive that someone (whether you care about them or not) has dismissed you in some fashion, your first instinct is to attempt to disregard and discard them completely. It usually doesn’t work like you want it to.

I’m pretty sure this is another reason why ADHD people hang out in packs. We always have a line in our head we’re terrified to cross with our friends. It makes us seem like we’re emotionally unavailable- but in reality we’re just terrified of being dismissed by our friends for showing our true geeky, infodumping, hyperfixating selves.

(Listen. If a friend mocks you for your true self they weren’t your friend in the first place.)

12. But in terms of crossing that line… Social cues? What are social cues?

Normal people can infer a lot from body language. With a lot of ADHD people, we tend not to notice. Or we notice too much and overanalyze. There’s no in between.

On a side note, your best bet for flirting successfully with an ADHDer is to just come out and say it. (Talk like an elcor. “Flirtatiously: I want to hear more.” or whatever innocent phrase it is you’re using to flirt. If they’re into Mass Effect, this will make them laugh, which means bonus points for you in their eyes.)But seriously, unless you’re making obviously romantic overtures we’re usually pretty sure you’re just being nice.

Back on topic: lack of social ability is a massive, massive reason people with ADHD are usually bullied growing up. If there aren’t any other ADHD people around, it usually feels like no one “gets” you. I was bullied horribly enough during junior high and high school to the point where I still have to repress the urge to automatically assume someone being nice to me means they’re plotting something behind my back. (Didn’t help that my hs was basically the Korriban Sith academy without most of the death. Culty, religious, nepotism ran rampant.)

13. Woe betide thee who angers the ADHD. It's not a problem with everyone, but... We’re like volcanoes. Awe-inspiring to watch in action, but God help you if we explode in your direction. And if it’s righteous anger there is almost literally no stopping us.

Anger has its uses. Our problem is that, like a volcano, we always have a lot simmering under the surface. We tend to hold onto it for ridiculous amounts of time until one day, boom. Yeah, I know, Kathy, that happens with everyone. Delayed gratification and all. The difference with ADHDers is that we usually don’t wait.

ADHDers’ anger will come out initially, because we can’t suppress it. We’re impulsive as fuck. We don’t think before we leap (our brains probably wouldn’t let us anyway). And it will seem like we are flying off the handle for no reason whatsoever. But we also have a tendency to unhealthily hold onto it afterwards even once the initial burst has happened. It’s like a (bad!) positive feedback loop.

14. Gotta bounce the leg. Gotta rock. Gotta fidget. Shit, I’m sorry, were you talking?

So one time I made it through 40 minutes of a math class actively suppressing the urge to bounce my leg… and then my leg twitched of its own accord. Freaky as shit, 0/10 recommend.

Sitting still is physically impossible for me, and for a lot of ADHDers. Lack of impulse control + lack of social cue knowledge + lack of ability to decide what’s important to our brains = Fidget fidget. Fidget fidget. Twitch. Fiddle with paper. Hey, my backpack has a fun texture by the zipper. Oh my God, that lady on the TV is wearing the best shade of blue ever! I wonder where she got it. Shit, I need to go shopping. Wait, why did I need to go shopping again?

“Hey I asked you what you got for number 7.”

Fuck.

15. Depressive episodes. For me, these usually happen after a major hyperfocus where I taxed my brain for all it was worth, especially for long periods of time.

If it lasts for a long time or starts seriously affecting your life, get it checked out. If your doctor gives a damn they’ll be happy you came in to get it checked, even if it was the wrong diagnosis, because if it had been then at least they were there to help you. And they’ll always be happy to sit down and figure out what’s wrong. I know they have to watch out for hypochondriacs and whatnot. But if a doctor really cares about helping people they’ll listen when you say something’s wrong, because they know that you’re the one in your skin, not them. Which means if you really think something might be wrong, something probably is.

More evidence: justexecutivedysfunctionthings here on tumblr. Contains people’s experiences with EXDYF, which is a huge red flag for ADHD.

The Wikipedia article on the subject. There’s a nicely organized chart. (Or at least there was when I looked at it.) Remember, you don’t have to identify with all of the symptoms to be ADHD. Even if you only identify with a few, if they’re significant enough that they are seriously impacting your life and existence, it’s worth getting checked out.

I may add more to this later/change some stuff as my memory allows.

[choisgirls]

I just want to say that yours headcanons and interactions with everyone here just crack me up so fcking much, honestly, you guys are a true blessing. And, if it's okay, could I request the RFA+V+ Saeran falling hard for MC but they just don't notice, like, at all, and, God help them, they are trying their very best, what the actual fuck MC (it's okay if you don't wanna do the request, I hope you guys have a great day!)

A/N: omg you’re such a cutie thank you

*YOOSUNG:

               - Ithought…losing his eye was like… enough to show how much he cares about you

               -He’salways making you food and snacks in cute little shapes (especially hearts)

               -Whenthe two of you play LOLOL he’s always giving you the best loot and diving infront of your character to make sure you don’t die

               -Alwaysjoining new clubs that either you’re in, or they cover a topic you’reinterested in

               -Thatway, he can spend more time with you and enjoy some of the same things!

               -Not tomention it he actually really enjoys it all and learns something new about youevery time

               -He’seven managed to hug you close for long periods of time without turning red orstuttering!

               -Butyou still! Don’t! See it!

               -Youalways think he’s just being really nice and a great friend! Sure you secretlylike him but you don’t want to ruin the friendship if he doesn’t like you back!

               -Saeyoung’smade it his personal mission to get the two of you together because Yoosungjust won’t take initiative and you’re just oblivious as hell

*ZEN:

               -He’salways hanging off of you, how are you not even suspicious?

               -Alwayshas an arm around you, hand on your shoulder, even on your knee when the two ofyou are sitting

               -Forfucks sake MC, he kisses your cheek and holds your hand when the two of youwalk anywhere are you DENSE??

               -Alwaysbringing you flowers, chocolates, you name it

               -HEEVEN MAKES UP SONGS TO SING TO YOU

               -He’sso dramatic about everything. Every time you don’t react to his romanticgesture, he’s practically throwing himself to the floor in a sobbing fit

               -He’seven held you by the shoulders, looked you in the eyes, and told you how muchhe really likes you

               -Youjust responded with a tilt of your head, innocently asking, “Like…. youlike-like me?”

               - hoWHAVE YOU NOT NOTICED BY NOW?????

               -EVENAFTER THAT, YOU’RE STILL OBLIVIOUS. MC, why. Just, why. He loves you but wOW

*JAEHEE:

               -She’snot exactly surprised that you don’trealize her feelings

               -Moresubtle with her emotions than the rest of them

               - evenjumin is more open about his feelings for you, who would have guessed

               -She’salways inviting you to attend new cafes, or to show you her favourite ones!

               -Alsomakes you a lot of coffee/tea and cakes!

               -Thetwo of you spend a lot of time discussing books the two of you have read, andtheorize about those that abruptly ended

               -Alwayslooking you straight in the eyes, smiling, and will constantly turn a lightshade of red

               -Butyou don’t get it?? Is she getting a fever? Is it even hot enough in here tomake her red like that? Is she alright?

               -You’realways putting your hands on her cheeks, trying to see if she’s ill and it justmakes her blush 10x more

               -DammitMC she’s gonna pass out at this rate, get your hands off of her, just noticethat she likes you so the two of you can cuddle and she can get over turning asred as she does!

*JUMIN:

               -You’dthink it’d be really obvious

               -I meanthe man has next to no emotions but when you come around he’s practically apuddle on the floor- how in the world don’t you notice?

               -Alwaysmaking sure you’re comfortable with anything the two of you do

               -If heinvites you to lunch and you don’t like the restaurant, he’ll cancel hisreservations and find a new place immediately

               -AND HEDOES EVERYTHING HIMSELF. Not once does he ask Jaehee or another employee of histo set up plans or grab something for you

               -Listensto your opinion more than anyone else’s. He’ll take it to heart and do whateveryou suggested (that is if it isn’t drastic)

               -HELETS YOU PICK UP ELIZABETH? CUDDLE WITH HER? GIVE HER KISSES? DOESN’T THAT TELLYOU HOW HE FEELS ABOUT YOU??

               -Thedude tried to move you into his house almost immediately, seriously MC how canyou not tell

               -Completelyshowers you in gifts all the time. If you aren’t there to physically receivethem, he’s telling you what he got you and sends you pictures

               -Hethinks it’s absolutely adorable that you have no idea, but at the same time itlowkey drives him crazy because he juST WANTS TO KISS YOU, MC. PLEASE. JUST, P L EA S E

 *SAEYOUNG:

               -Thislil brat tries to hide that he’s completely in love with you until he justcan’t take it anymore

               -Come onhe’s built you Robo-cat, gone over personally to protect you, and a lot more,what do you waNT FROM HIM

               -Sendsyou memes in the middle of the night because he thinks you’ll find them funny

               -Callsyou at night just to talk until he can hear you fall asleep on the other end ofthe phone

               -He’salso buying you a lot of little things because he thought of you when he sawit, and couldn’t bring himself to just leave it

               -You’rethe only one he’ll let drive his babies. HIS. BABIES. MC, COME ON

               -Alwayslooking at you like a love-sick puppy. Whenever you do something completelyadorable he gets as red as his hair

               -He’lllightly brush his hand against yours when the two of you are walking closetogether, and watch to see if he can actually grab your hand

               -Givesyou the Flynn Rider smoulder more times than you can count but all you do isgiggle because it’s your favourite movie. Your giggle is like heaven but MC whYCAN’T YOU SEE HE LIKES YOU

               -HEEVEN SINGS THE LITTLE MERMAID SONG “KISS THE GIRL”(or he changes thelyrics to boy, depending) TO GET THE POINT ACROSS BUT ALL YOU DO IS JUMP IN ONHIS MUSICAL NUMBER. One day MC, one day.

*V:

               -He’sgentle with everyone, but you??

               -Well,he’s gentle but he plays around a LOT more

               -Playfullypushes you, pinches your cheeks, he even does gross shit like lick your cheek okaybut i do the same

               -Leansclose to you all the time. When the two of you talk, he’s leaning into you,staring into your eyes

               -Y'alleven spend the night at each other’s houses watching movies or just talkingabout life

               -Howthe hell can you not tell that this giraffe loves you??

               -Alwaystaking beautiful photos of you! Well…almost always

               -Hisfavourite photo album is full of pictures of you being goofy, and packed whichterrible candid’s of you, but he lOVES THEM SO MUCH MC LOOK AT HOW AMAZING YOUARE

               -Heplans trips for just the two of you so he can take pictures and you can see thesights! Takes you to romantic dinners! Y'all even go to festivals and carnivalstogether.

               -He’salways holding your hand because he doesn’t want to lose you in a crowd. Orthat’s what you think. In reality he just wants to hold your hand; MC pleasehe’s so cute just kiss him already

*SAERAN:

               -Hejust plain sucks at sharing emotions

               -But hethought he was pretty obvious?

               -Likethere are times that you’re the only one he’ll even acknowledge? That’s prettyself-explanatory there MC

               -Hetakes you out for ice cream all the time, walks around town, whatever you want.He hates people, he doesn’t willingly go out for that. Unless you want to

               -Alwaysinvites you over to just hang out and play some games, watch some movies, orsometimes just to nap

               -Evenasks you to teach him how to cook/bake, so he can spend a lot more time withyou!

               -Sometimesyou give him this dazzling smile that just makes his heart flutter and he can’teven look at you

               -Youalso like to hug him and he practically passes out every time. It scares you alittle bit because you can’t figure out why?? Is he okay??? Are you dead??

               -But hesteps out of his comfort zone and hugs you back?? You’re so happy and youabsolutely love it! You think that maybe he’s finally becoming more social! Youhave no idea that he only hugs you because??? It’s you

               -Pleasejust admit you like this man so he can get comfortable MC, he’s too awkward toask you out himself

[alinkbetweenportraits]

(First off I dropped the ball and because I was so tired I accidentally deleted the ask. The good news is I took a screenshot earlier to show a friend so she could translate it for me in my moment of stupid. Sorry about that.)

How to let go of an RP Partner

RPers are people. And it’s a fact of life that no matter how close you are to someone, eventually things are going to change. Sometimes they get bored, sometimes they lose the muse, sometimes the relationship conditions change between partners, sometimes people get married, have kids, find a job, and just move on from the RPing scene. Fuck man, some of my past RP friends passed away for various reasons. This is usually why I tell people not to take their partners for granted. Someday it’s going to end and you’ll at least want to end it on the best note possible. In your case, however, it doesn’t sound like you’re going to get that anymore if you keep pestering them. To be frank, you’re going to make them regret their decision if you keep pushing them into RPing with you.

But there’s good news in all of this. Things aren’t entirely hopeless for you or anyone who really wants things to change for the better. Assuming you’re a rational adult that’s just stuck in a really distressing situation, here’s usually the things I tell people to do. 

1.) Recognize where it went wrong. And really, really think about this one. In your case, do you feel like utter shit for what you did to your friend? Do you regret hurting them? Good. Yeah, I know, that’s a bitchy thing to say, But it’s the truth. Feeling like this is a critical step to understanding your faults and making a real change. If you want things to get better in the future, you can’t fall for the same mistakes you made before. You have to be willing to listen and take criticism better if you want to hope for any relief. Not everyone ends on a bitter note, though. Maybe they just don’t feel the character anymore or their situation changed, and that’s perfectly okay. It’s RPing. You shouldn’t need a grand excuse to not play along. Your friend most likely doesn’t hate you. If she was kind enough to offer forgiveness after an apology, chances are she wants to let go just as much as you. But she may just need some space to heal and manage on her own. This is a critical time for RPers who have had particularly jarring instances like this. Please try to understand that sometimes the best thing you can do is nothing at all. The damage is done and unfortunately, you can’t take it back.

2.) Show you respect their decision to be left alone and work to detach yourself. When we’re particularly close to an RP partner or group, we find it hard to move on and write on our own accord. You may have headcanons, memories, personal work, even entire characters that revolve around the other. After some time, it becomes harder and harder to let go. This is the point where I usually recommend people start cleaning up. Take some time to tear things down and build yourself back up. If you have head canons that revolve around that person, try to adjust it so the character stands on their own. Your character is still a character even if they were made to know the other. They’re still entirely capable of being their own unique individual. Do you have any art or original work from the other person featured on your blog? Store it all away in a file on your computer (preferably a separate flashdrive) and try to remove what you can on your blog. Stow it away in a place where you won’t instantly run into it the moment you sit on your computer or open your files. Try taking some time to look at your blog and characters and see if it’s unique to you and you alone. Whatever you do, don’t post any more of the other person’s material from here on out. This will only cause more strife in the future. Nobody will blame you for using face claims, youtube playlists, or anything instant access if it means saving your mental health. 

But Clara! Why would I save these things if they make me feel so awful? Isn’t that kind of creepy and masochistic?

Well, that depends. Of course, not all memories are worth saving. If there are things you feel are personal attacks to your character, such as call out posts, public statements, or anything you feel is humiliating to your self esteem or the other person in question, it’s best to leave these things in the trash. It’s also not healthy to constantly look back and post about it, lest you turn your RP blog into a stalker’s shrine. However, there’s a positive kind of emotional pain, one that typically comes with grief. Speaking from personal experience and watching people go through the same mess, it usually takes about a month to three months to really feel the effects of recovery after having to lose an RP partner. But time depends on your relationship with the other, how close you were with them, and how the relationship ended. When done on a healthy level, it’s okay to recall where you and your muse learned how to become better people together. There’s no shame in acknowledging your mistakes in the past so long as your present self understands this and is willing to learn from it. It’s okay to feel sad, hurt, or lonely. Even if people dismiss it as just a game, RPing can become very personal between people.

Cutting off people entirely is something I only suggest as a last resort in order to protect yourself and people around you. Doing this will not ease the grief process. If anything, it proves to make things far more complicated and difficult. Once you start, it’s something that’s very difficult to take back. I only suggest doing this if you feel the following:

- You have been emotionally, mentally, physically, or sexually exploited by your last RP partner. 

- You feel that this person will try to reach out to you outside of the internet.

- You feel this person puts yourself and everyone around you at risk both physically and emotionally.

- This person admits to actively participating in harmful and/or illegal activities that could get you hurt as a result.

- This person is blackmailing you and threatens to publicly release this private information unless you comply to their demands.

3.) Reach out to new RPers. This is a very scary step for a lot of people, especially if you don’t find yourself very good at socializing and just went through a time where you got a good look at the worst in yourself. But take comfort in knowing that if you realize where you dropped the ball in the last relationship and took steps to improve, you’re better than ever. And if you made a friendship that memorable as your past self, why can’t you do it again? Often times we feel we need to put up a front in order to meet new people and appeal to a certain audience. However, nothing is more personal and intimate than sharing your writing, art, or ideas with other people. It’s important to be honest with the other person and yourself before you can establish any sort of genuine connection. 

It’s okay to message or IM someone asking for an RP. Be upfront, but not bossy. Ask if it’s okay with them to give the idea a shot. Listen to what the other has to say. If you see any streaming events or discord chat rooms, try to join in and introduce yourself politely while also asking for names. Know that very rarely do opportunities simply fall on your lap conveniently and that a majority of RPers are self admitted dorks who just want to have fun, too. Whatever you do, though, don’t start clinging to these RPers for emotional support on the first day. This can be emotionally exhausting and put a ton of unnecessary pressure on another. You must also learn how to manage on your own.

4.) Never forget that as bad as it gets, it’s not the end. Let me tell you a story. My last RP group went to shit really fast. People didn’t trust one another, a whole group became divided, and because the game didn’t allow an equal balance between high experience and new RPers, it wasn’t rare for people to start abusing their power, making it nearly impossible for more timid and new players to start joining. Since I was new, it was incredibly frustrating to play the game. Add to the fact that a lot of these guys were red blooded authors (some of whom already published or are working on books), it wasn’t very welcoming to someone who was young and mostly dicked around in private IM RPs. Needless to say, I was way out of my league. Rules were broken or bent, and I became so frustrated with people stopping and correcting me every step of the way but ignoring their own rules as the game moved on. RPing made me severely anxious, and I’ve had my OCs verbally ripped to shreds right in front of my eyes. I hated going online and my self esteem and overall mental and physical health plummeted to levels I didn’t think were possible. I won’t act like I’m a victim, though. Because I was angry I did things to intentionally hurt other people. I lashed out a lot, and chances are I did more damage than was necessary even considering what had happened at the time. So those same group of people. Where are they now?

We chill out, talk about cartoons, and gush about our OCs or favorite characters.

Yeah. After all the shitty things that happened, we managed to get along again, though this time I avoid the game itself and just RP freestyle. So what does this mean for you? It means that relationships are bound to change, but just because someone doesn’t want to RP anymore doesn’t also mean time can’t make a big impact. Maybe you’ll learn to stand on your own two feet having met new RPers and friends, maybe you and your partner wouldn’t mind at least being on friendlier terms again. It’s hard to say what will happen in the future, but you must always remember you are never defined by your past. What matters is did you learn anything from your mistake and how you decide to act on your newfound wisdom. 

[solarpunksoftie]

additional fun facts about the Gene Pool

because i cant be stopped and oh hello new obsession

my sides

A - Adrienne   E - Ethan   L - Laura   P - Pandora   D - Daryl

Favourite Colour

A - Green

E - Red

L - Blue

P - Yellow

D - Purple

Favourite Music

A - The Struts, Major Lazer, Ariana Grande

E - Rise Against, Green Day, Paramore

L - Lindsey Stirling, Sleeping At Last, Ratatat

P - KONGOS, Arctic Monkeys, Bastille

D - Twenty One Pilots, The Neighborhood, The Front Bottoms

Favourite Foods/Bev

A - Popsicles, Bananas, Mussels / Dr. Pepper

E - Yogurt+Granola, Lamb, Bacon / Juice

L - Steak, Mushrooms, Ramen(its convenient!) / Tea

P - Berries, Spaghetti, Clif Bars (chocolatey ones) / Coffee

D - BBQ Chips, Goldfish, Cheesecake / Hot Cocoa

Favourite Movie

A - Avengers

E - The Sting

L - Cosmos: War of the Planets (they fuckin lov terrible movies)

P - Indiana Jones and the Lost Arc

D - Heathers

Favourite T.V. Show

A - Rick and Morty

E - Brooklyn Nine-Nine

L - Star Trek (tos)

P - The Walking Dead

D -  Cutthroat Kitchen

Favourite Fiction Genre / AO3 Tag

A - Action / Smut

E - Drama / Hurt Comfort

L - Sci-fi / College AU

P - Fantasy / Graphic Depictions of Violence

D - Slice of Life / Whump

Favourite Musical / Song from it

A - Catch Me If You Can / Live in Living Color

E - Les Miserables / Do You Hear The People Sing 

L - Hamilton / Non-Stop

P - Into The Woods / I Know Things Now

D -  Heathers / Lifeboat

Favourite Activity

A - sex, dancing, late night shenanigans with friends

E - attending protests, witchcraft, hiking

L - painting, research, watching movies

P - cooking, playing horror games, playing with animals

D - sleeping, listening to music, cuddling (but they’ll never admit it)

Favourite Affection

A - kisses. not necessarily romantic, forehead, cheek, hand, etc are all awesome

E - massages, especially shoulders

L - hair play

P - hand holding and casual touches

D - hugs, but so touch starved he’ll take anything

Favourite exercise

A - Dance!

E - Swimming

L - Climbing

P - Bicycle

D - pass…

If They Had A Super Power…

A - Flight

E - Pyrokinesis/Pyrogenesis

L - Time Stop

P - Invincibility

D - Invisibility

Weapon Of Choice

A - Falchion… specifically this one 

E - spiked bat

L - Pistol

P - Bowie Knife

D - Switchblade

Travel Destination

A - Amsterdam OR Cross Country Road Trip

E - International Relief Aid (they have no concept of relaxation)

L - Ireland

P - Hawaii

D - no thanks..

Element

A - Air

E - Fire

L - Earth

P - Water

D - Smoke

Theme Songs

A - Raise Your Glass, P!nk - Don’t Threaten Me With A Good Time, P!atD

E - Architects, Rise Against - Uprising, Muse - Feeling Sorry, Paramore

L - Conquest of Spaces, Woodkid

P - Laugh Till I Cry, The Front Bottoms - Stressed Out, Twenty One Pilots

D - Trapdoor, Twenty One Pilots - Be Nice To Me, The Front Bottoms - The Draw, Bastille

Little Quirks

A - Happy Dances, Winks, Hair Fluffs

E - Impatient finger tapping, “Cool Kid” posing, Blowing hair out of face

L - clasped hands, Adjusting glasses, straitening tie

P - deforest kelley bounce, hands nervously in pockets, always ready to rabbit

D - Tired face rub, eye roll, lip biting

Zodiac Sign/Planet (all from my full chart)

A - Aries Moon

E - Scorpio Mars

L - Libra Mercury

P - Sagittarius Jupiter

D - Pisces Saturn

Shadow Emotion

A - Loneliness

E - Sadness

L - Confusion

P - Fear

D - Anger

Alignment

A - Chaotic Neutral - fuck it this looks fun

E - Chaotic Good - I will burn this city to the ground to save a child

L - Lawful Good - do the right thing the Right way and you get the best results

P - Lawful Neutral - follow the rules and you won’t get hurt

D - Neutral Evil - I’m tired just kill yourself

Hogwarts House

A - Gryffindor

E - Slytherin / Gryffindor

L - Ravenclaw / Slytherin

P - Gryffindor

D - Hufflepuff

D&D Class

A - Sorcerer

E - Druid

L - Wizard

P - Ranger

D - Rogue

MBTI / my function stack

A - ESFP / Se

E - ENFP / Fi

L - ENTJ / Te

P - ISTP / inferior Ni

D - INFP - none, hes a disorder

God Tier 

A - Maid of Breath

E - Knight of Space

L - Sylph of Mind

P - Mage of Rage

D - Page of Doom

High School Superlatives

A - Best Person to Travel With

E - Most Likely to Help Hide a Body

L - Most Likely to Succeed

P - Best Person to Get Stranded With

D - Worst Case of Senioritis

Vices/Virtues

A - Sex/Kindness

E - Rage/Courage

L - Overwork/Diligence 

P - Alcohol/Vigilance 

D - Drugs/Humility

When Stressed

A - loses all sense of direction and will jump onto the first suggestion someone makes to relieve the stress. Gets paranoid about appearance. Easily becomes overwhelmed/sensory overloaded and needs soft things, stim things, and fidgit toys to keep from becoming entirely incoherent.

E - Gets really impatient and short with people. If the stress escalates they will angry cry from frustration. Slams doors, yells unnecessarily.

L - Comes to a complete stop. They can’t complete a thought coherently and are easily confused. Prone to quitting from distress, coming to the conclusion that the most logical thing is to remove ones self from the stress while also stuck on the fact that it’s stressful because it’s too important to ignore. They basically experience blue screen of death by becoming a feedback loop of “oh no”.

P - The paranoia is in full bloom. they can get delusional and jumpy. Fears intensify. Outwardly, the only sign that somethings wrong is the occasional thousand yard stare or, contrastly, they get hyper vigilant. They’re just always ready.

D - Nap Time. If naps are not acquired they become crazy aggressive and verbally abusive. Every problem is a personal attack and it must be Gene’s fault. Craves death but will settle for a razor.

When They Like Someone

A - a smooth motherfucker. loves the seduction game. will wear lingerie under her clothes in case the opportunity arises to take it off ;)

E - Skittish. romance is the one emotional department they always fumble with. will compliment a lot and try to win them over, but takes a long time to act on anything for fear of misreading the other person’s intentions and making them uncomfortable.

L - Direct. knows the importance of presentation and is a good manipulator, so may implement their skills unintentionally. Really they just want the other person on the same page as them.

P - Suspicion. they normally aren’t attracted to someone unless the other person flirts first, and they are distrustful of others’ intentions. only once they feel safe with their crush will they act more directly and can actually be very charming.

D - Obsession and Despair. This person becomes their everything, which terrifies them, so they try and pull away to avoid getting hurt, and then get upset that the person isnt paying enough attention to them, and then the “im unlovable” spiral begins.

When Injured (with irl experiences oops)

A - powers through with force of will. will convince herself that its not a big deal. would probably try to finish a marathon with a broken leg. not stubborn if told to seek help, however, theyre just really bad at judging the severity/urgency of an injury. (went through their day without a care in the world after a head injury, legit didn’t think it was a big deal. the bump just looked nasty)

E - stubborn as a mule to keep up their badass image. will brush off most things even if they know its bad news. the only time the facade drops is when theyre alone, and then theyre a mess. (helped someone move despite the fact that they were seriously ill. hid it the whole time. collapsed when they got home)

L - reacts appropriately to the situation. has an objective enough knowledge of medicine and anatomy to assess the severity and urgency of an injury and will seek help if needed. 

P - Panic. has a slight inclination to hypochondria that only comes out when something is wrong. stubbed tow? its broken. stomach ache? it could be cancer or their appendix is gonna burst. weird symptoms they dont recognize? absolutely positive theyre gonna die. if they cant see whats wrong the panic is worse. is actually not bad dealing with flesh wounds, but still wont hesitate in seeking care. (full blown panic attack when a uti started exhibiting unfamiliar symptoms and couldn’t receive immediate care)

D - secrecy. wont tell anyone. 10/10 most likely to silently stitch up a wound themselves and no one would be the wiser. (suffering silently through a migraine without medication, cleaning up self harm cuts)

Negative Influences

A - Reckless behavior, abandoning obligations in favour of a fun activity, drug use

E - Being argumentative, “anyone who doesnt agree with me is the enemy” knee jerk reaction, grudges

L - Obsessive behavior, hyper focus, over rationalizing feelings away

P - Irrational fears, distrust of others, exhausting hyper vigilance

D - Depression my dudes, self worth issues, self harm in all forms

Positive Influences

A - Trying new things, Courage, enjoying the simple pleasures

E - Passion, Moral compass, Determination

L - keeping my life structured, love of learning, the designer

P - self preservation, observing others’ personal boundaries, being prepared

D - ?????, keeps me from becoming too powerful,, ???????

When To Worry About Them

A - would rather stay home than go out, reclusive behavior

E - either theyre constantly fuming or they become painfully apathetic

L - none of their ideas make sense, language issues

P - always v stressed

D - smiley mask, overly compliant, overly positive

How They Chill

A - Nature Walks

E - Low Key hangouts with friends

L - Coloring books

P - Music - will often chill and listen to music with Daryl

D - Sleep - falls asleep while listening to music with Pandora

ill probly add onto this when i think of more stuff, but here for now

Self Care

A - Dressing up, cuz looking good for your own sake does wonders for emotional wellbeing

E - Talking to people, it’s not fair to you or your friends to shut them out, and the attention makes Adrienne happy

L - Hot Shower. As well as being good hygiene, hot showers improve circulation and relax muscles and the mind

P - cooking a whole meal for yourself, because you have a penchant for denying yourself food, and its a creative, mentally stimulating activity that gets you moving and is satisfying

D - He’d say sleep, but he always wants to sleep so its mostly detrimental. So he’s with Laura on hot showers, but like, in the dark. They’re good for if you’re upset, or nauseous, or tired, or have a migraine, or need a cry. Don’t gotta put much thought into it, if somethings wrong it can probably be fixed with a shower. Also the warmth is super nice, and a locked dark bathroom is basically the most secure place you have access to. AND you can use nice smelling soaps and stuff, so Addy is happy too. Showers are just default best.

Which Sanders Sides theyre most like

A - Patton

E - Roman

L - Logan

P - Anxiety

D - get fucked

As My Friends… 

A - Kevin - big puppy dog, adventure/food/trouble friend

E - John - loud and proud and also my libra buddy

L - Owen - too smart jesus christ

P - Bri - anxiety ridden and prepared for everything

D - Jake - seriously hes the embodiment of depression anyway its horrifying

Physical Details

A - always wearing body glitter. nothing too Extra but just enough for a slight shimmer

E - has all the tattoos ive ever fantasized about. when i think up a new one it gets added to the collection. the buffest looking; when they work out they go for tone cuz they love the look

L - the only one who wears glasses. also wears a binder cuz theyre most comfortable flat-chested

P - carries any injuries i have at the time, including random bruises or cuts. actually the strongest even though they dont look it

D - has cuts all up their arms. they’re normally wrapped in bandages or hidden under hoodies. Deep under eye bags and the thinnest by far cuz they never heckin eat

Group Opinion

A - despite being the oldest everyone sees her as the little sister they need to protect. they love when shes happy and they all put in efforts to keep her out of too much trouble for the most part

E - they see them as a bit of an egomaniac, which isnt too far off. they are the judicial voice of the group, keeping everyone in line. those who deviate too far face their wrath.

L - the nerd. the others actually try to dismiss them a lot, since a lot of times they end up holding the group back. wildly unappreciated even though theyre normally right and helpful

P - doesn’t normally pop into group discussions, and is more of a casual observer, only participating when necessary. the others appreciate this about them, because for real if they contributed all the time id be a lot more stressed out

D - the villain. everyone always attacks everything they say (with good reason). despite this they still somehow end up winning a pretty good amount of decisions, cuz they are disgustingly good at twisting words and appealing to what at least one of the others wants. no one trusts them

[og-doubletrouble-kinnie]

Marx Mem

Aighty this is long and it gets a bit dark I guess? Idk its a panic attack mem so.. Warned ig

After a really bad day at the news station (Katie and other various bosses being total fucking dicks. Writing 3 whole news reports in a single day AND Having to take care of food stuffs for the day cause our intern fucking d ied or something) I stumbled home fucking exhausted.

Pretty much the moment I get inside my apartment bastard speaks up "I can't believe you're tired. You barely did anything today."

I tilt my head back and forth and in a mocking tone I talk back "oh sure writing three full length news stories in a single day while making sure the staff is fed and keeping Katie off my damn back is nothing. Su r e"

I pull my gloves off, untie my bowtie and pull off my jacket as I head to the bathroom. Just wanna shower and pass the fuck out, I don't care that it's like 5pm, I deserve a damn nap. I realize I'm far to exausted to stay awake for an entire shower so I just opt for cleaning my face and hoping I dont just conk out on my bathroom floor.

I stand infront of the sink and just space out staring at the faucet for at least a minute. When I snap back to reality I look to my mirror- Surprised to see my actual reflection for a moment before bastard pops up. "Katie was right you know. You're such a slacker~ And you don't write nearly enough stories for her! The head anchor. Sure Tom is nicer to you but he shouldn't be doing the most talking! Keep the camera on Katie, Marx!! You're a man of taste, you know that everyone just tunes in for Katies chest- Hell thats why you tune in. 'Course you already know everything she's gonna say. Unless she throws your script away, like she really should every time cause you write utter filth. I'm surprised she even tries to read the mess you give her each day."

I honestly just stare tiredly into the mirror as he goes on and on, nodding occasionally cause I'm tired enough to believe him. His words blur out at this point and I manage to splash my face with water before tiredly making the stupidest comment I could possibly make while bastard is really active, "God I wish Angel and Bee were here-"

And bastard laughs at me. "Now why could you possibly want that???"

"Oh I dunno maybe it's cause I'm exhausted and curling up with my hoard seems really fucking nice, you pathetic piece of shit."

"Ah yeah I'm the 'piece of shit' have ya seen yourself lately?"

"Oh I'd love to but you seem to always take my reflections place."

"Oh wow Marxy has a bite now, huh?"

I glare into the mirror "Don't call me that."

"Why? Cause your precious little Angel gave it to ya? C'mon Marxy lighten up, it's not like I'm real."

I roll my eyes. Again with the "not real" thing, huh? Okay yeah sure. "Yeah, them being here would be great... I'd love to ignore you for the night." I turn from the mirror, ready to go sleep but-

He seems to not like when I want to ignore him... Cause- well thats when he brings out the big guns "What makes you think they want to be here?"

I freeze... He usually doesn't get to me like this... But ya know- I'm exhausted.. And hearing that one sentence makes my mind swarm with all the things Angel and Bee could be saying about me- about how much they could hate me... I can't shake it away with logic cause it practically doesnt exist in this moment. I turn back to the mirror. "I- I don't-"

"Exactly. There's no reason for either of them to want to be around you."

"Y- yeah-" I nod slowly and lean against the wall, glancing at the mirror for a moment before looking to the floor.

"I mean, just look at you! You're pathetic!"

I listen and look back to the mirror, my reflection is back. My eye bags are huge, my hairs a mess (more so than usual), he's right. I look pathetic... Of course I do. I always do... I slide down the wall, mostly due to my legs being to tired to hold me up, but also cause it's where I belong. The floor is the proper home for someone who looks like such trash.

"Do you really think they care about you? Oh sure Angel's stopped taking blood but who's to say thats his choice? He probably stopped cause Charlies buckling down on his drug problems~ If thats the case, then why would he bother to still have sex with you? Maybe you've somehow convinced him you're the only one he should be with? How cruel... Why should you hold him back? Why even bother talking to him when you're so controlling and possessive??"

I bring my knees closer to my chest, instinctively curling up to try and block him out. I try to mumble a stop but only manage a small squeak. I feel my claws digging into my arms but dont do anything to stop it.

"Oh and Dont even get me started on Bee! You're clearly manipulating him too! Why else would he call you "boss"? Why else would he do nearly anything you ask of him? Oh sure he could easily take you down if he found a problem with you, but what if you're all he has? He puts up with your constant abuse because he thinks he can't get anyone else? Do you really think he wants to put up with you? That either of them do?"

I shake my head. I dont know if I'm answering him if trying to refuse it.

"Just look at what happened with Baxter. How long until you somehow corrupt them aswell?"

"B-"

"Pfft- Surely you didnt think Baxters actions were his own?? My my, Marx I knew you were stupid but I didnt realize it was that bad. You obviously made Baxter feel inferior, even you knew that. But you never dealt with it. You let it fester and grow. I bet you just loved watching Baxter hate himself all because of you? Don't try to deny me, Marxy. I know it all, its so incredibly obvious I'm surprised nobodies figured it out yet... Then again, if you cant even figure this out about yourself, then maybe your friends have the intelligence of rocks!"

Now I feel a few tears run down my cheeks and go to wipe them- But.. Well I suppose I've broken skin on my arms cause I just smear blood on my face.

"Oh nice job you fucking idiot. What are people gonna say when they see those scars? They'll think you're some kind of edgy teenager. Then again- you might aswell be. Constantly wanting the attention of others."

I shake my head harder, hands moving from my arms to my head "n-no... It- it was an accident-"

"Awe... But that doesn't matter Marx! The point is that you did it in the first place!"

I whimper and shake- pulling my hair hard enough that I feel I should be pulling out hairs.

I hear the faintest door in the distance- due to how muffled it sounds I assume it's a neighbors door...

Bastard.. Thankfully quiets down for a moment- I manage to move my hands back to my arms- I can't loosen their grip... But scraped up arms are easier to deal with than a scraped up head.

Then Angel comes in- "Ma- Oh my god- Bee! Bee I found him-!" Angel crouches down beside me and very carefully grabs my hands, and pulls them from my arms. "Marx wh- What happened?"

I hear bastard laugh from the mirror "You can't tell him. He won't believe you."

"I-"

Bee comes in- Fast. "Boss?!" I assume Angels tone must've scared him- and well. He scares me- I jump, grabbing my arms again and my wings pop up.

Angel grumbles "Damnit- Bee ya scared 'im-"

I scoot away before Angel can try to pry my hands free again-

"Mar-?"

"N-no no- you're- You're not supposed to be here-"

Bee crouches down by Angel, "Boss what're ya talkin 'bout?"

"Oh you're finally pushing them away now?" I glance at the mirror- bastard is just eating this up.

My hands get tighter as my eyes dart back to Angel and Bee. I stare like a deer in headlights- expecting them to.. I dont know- do.. Something...

Angel turns to Bee "Bee see if you can find some bandages- I'll... Try and calm him back down..."

Bee nods, gives me a sad/worried look then gets up and leaves the room. Angel shuffles over to me, and I instinctively push myself farther into the corner.

"Marx I'm not gonna hurt you- it's alright..."

"He's talking to you like youre an animal. He sees you as dangerous. He has every right to. You could attack at any moment."

"Sh- s hut up-"

Angel tilts his head "Wh-?"

"Awe look how cute, he thinks you're talking to him."

"Shut up"

"Mar-" He looks concerned... Possibly scared..

"You're scaring him~ Of course you are... You probably scare him often.."

I shoot up, yelling toward the mirror "I said shUT UP!!!" I hear a loud thud and suddenly my hand hurts- I punched my wall...

Theres a small crash in the kitchen and Bee comes running in, holding a roll of bandages- I look down to Angel- And yeah.. He looks scared- So does Bee- I drop my hand from the wall and back away the few inches I can without stumbling into my bath-

"C-can't... Can't you hear it" I try not to physically cringe at how... Pathetic I sound

I hear bastard laugh, and Bee and Angel exchange a confused look.

"Hear... What, Boss?"

"I- it. The voice. I- I can't- I can't be the only one-" One hand goes back to my hair.

"Oh you sad, sad man..."

Angel gets up and comes over to me- Grabbing the hand in my hair and pulling it down before I can start pulling. "Marxy.... Hun- Are you alright...?" He lowers me onto the side of the tub.

I stare at the floor, squinting slightly "I-... I don't???"

Angel gestures at Bee, he steps over, handing Angel the bandage roll then sitting next to me. He puts a hand on my back, rubbing small circles.

"Let me see your arms, Marxy-"

With the extra exhaustion from the panic attack I just tiredly listen to him, flopping my arms on my lap- my wings vanishing. Angel starts wrapping them up. I feel myself yawn, and I lean on Bee, he moves from rubbing my back to putting his two arms on that side around me. I feel myself starting to doze off- but I'm still jumping awake each time.

When Angel finishes wrapping my arms, he picks me up and heads for the bed. I glare at the bandages, My tired dragon brain doesn't like them... So I bite at them- Or at least I try but Angel baps my nose. "Don't you even try, Mister."

I tiredly whine and grumble, flopping into Angels chest. "B u t.... I dont-"

"I dont care if ya don't like 'em, you need to heal and bitin your bandages aint gonna help."

Angel sets me down on the bed and I pbbthh at him. Him and Bee climb in on either side of me and I yawn again.

"Sounds like ya need to sleep, Boss-"

"Mmrmm..." I roll over and face Bee, "No shit... Katie n the others worked me like a dog t'day..." I shove my face into the Matress

"Don't they overwork you every day?"

"Ye s it was just worse this time"

I feel Bee pat my back a few times, and Angel cuddles up to my side and starts talkin, "Well we wanted to go to the bar- But a nap sounds pretty nice instead..."

Bee hums in agreement- he doesn't lay down though... Just stays sitting next to me and keeps a hand on my back.

There's a few moments of silence, but I eventually pass out.