#and i may be projecting a bit on that.. but it’s fine

[mariodreemurr]

So…it’s been a bit.

Some of y’all may have noticed that my activity here has been dwindling quite a bit.

I just wanna say, I’m fine and OK. To tell the truth, I have been extremely hyperfixated on a personal project of mine for the past couple of weeks or so. It’s a fixation so strong that I basically never have time to focus on Petal or to even think about her or do things with her. And only now have I realized that I just miss her so damn much.

I want to think that Petal would understand, but it’s really hard to think this way. I just feel like I betrayed her somehow, and I really don’t know how I can make it up to her. It’s like I’ve been on vacation far away from her and never told her about it. Now that I am aware of it, it’s killing me inside.

I’m so, so sorry, Petal. I love you so much, and you are my entire world. If there is anything I can do to make it up to you, I will do it.

I miss you so much… 💔

[erathene]

There is something I would like to share with my friends, followers and the general population of Tumblr.

This is a very personal post coming up. I've been trying to phrase it in the right way for a long time, writing it and re-writing it, starting over again, leaving it saved in my drafts and then coming back to it. But now it's time to share it.

This post contains the following trigger warnings: conceiving, pregnancy, loss, pain, medical treatment, mental health.

If this is triggering for you, please block the tags used below, or pm me and I will add a tag to this post that you already block.

Over the summer I had a miscarriage.

I had what I thought was a very normal pregnancy; in May I had a very clear 2-line pregnancy test, throughout most of June I was struck down with morning sickness, I had food cravings and I was bloated/gained a dress size etc. Everything seemed normal.

In July, at 3 months pregnant, I went for my first scan, only to find there was no baby there whatsoever. It turned out that I'd had something called an anembryonic pregnancy, which is where a placenta and gestational sac develop normally but a baby does not.

In the 2-3 days following the scan, my body proceeded to - quite literally - evacuate the system. I ended up bleeding a lot, having to call 999 myself due to dizziness & hyperventilation & tingling at my extremities, ending up in A&E in so much pain, and topped it all off by passing out in the waiting room from blood loss. Not my finest moment.

Despite all that, my uterus was like Hold My Beer because she wasn't done yet.

At a follow-up scan it was identified that I had managed to hold on to the gestational sac. I opted for a minor surgery to remove it, which - thanks to the Tory government running the NHS into the ground for 14 years - was scheduled for August, and I had to Make Do with feeling like a walking talking zombie and days of high temperatures as my body fought off the early signs of infection. The surgery ended up being fine, and I was sent off on my merry way with a 7 day course of antibiotics.

Anyway. Why am I telling you, a stranger on the internet, all of this?

Doing any form of writing whilst all of this was happening was pretty much impossible. However, now that I am back to full health and starting to put pen to paper on a few projects, it's made me realise how valuable my silly little hobby has become. I was feeling a bit worried last month because after everything that happened over the summer, some of my WIPs have really taken a face-first deep dive into the Hurt/Comfort space, with some scenes that I've written becoming way more hurt than comfort.

It's been so hard to try and figure out whether I'm "over" losing my baby or not. Sometimes I think to myself, it's fine - I didn't lose anything because there was nothing there in the first place. But then something else inside me thinks, fuck - there should have been something there. It's such a weird space to be in. I guess overall, I still feel trolled - I went through so much and had so many 'normal' pregnancy symptoms only to not then have anything to show for it.

But I'm still here, and still alive, and I've slowly managed to pick myself up and start over again. Work has been the hardest, and only in the past week or so have I felt that I'm finally back to my old self.

Has writing helped me cope with everything that happened? Absolutely. Should I be embarrassed by that? Absolutely not. Has it helped me pick myself back up again after a pretty traumatic experience? Fuck yeah.

Cringe is dead. Long live fanfiction ✌️

[starzonez]

can i request transgender stoney bologne... either way idgaf i just like him

yaaaaaa stoney testosteroney

[comfortlesshurt]

OKAY, IT'S FINALLY HITTING

(will you guys hate me if I post this longfic a month later than planned?)

[bluesidedown]

I just want to fly to Tibet and not think about character growth or the future or navigating relationships

[dangans-ur-ronpas]

not to get too real but we're reaching that phase of the job hunt where i can feel myself becoming less human with every application

[mechcity-skyline]

@d-buggers-org HEY SO LIKE WHAT IF I HIT YOUR LOVECORE DESIGNS WITH THE RPG BLAST HUH?!

[dr-reids-fidget-toy]

oh dear god

kutner did what

[raytorosaurus]

Hey this isn’t a criticism of what you said at all—I’m just wondering if you’d mind elaborating! What do you mean when you say bad behavior at dunes shows reflects badly in frank/mcr? Like, should Frank be shutting these people down by speaking up about it, it were you thinking more like fans should know better, or check themselves/each other more? Again, just curious, you have so many good things to say and I wanna make sure I understand. :)

oh sorry i should have been clearer, it's got nothing to do with frank himself! i mean behaviour of the fans reflecting on an artist from an outsider's perspective, whether that's fair or not. e.g. at the thursday shows i went to that anthony green opened at he was like "wow you guys have been so attentive and welcoming to me as an opener, it makes sense that fans of this band and these guys would be so respectful and sweet to me, it's a credit to them" (paraphrased). it's a pretty common sentiment, and on the flipside if ppl see fans of a band acting entitled or disrespectful they're gonna associate that with the band. e.g. there was some pretty shitty behaviour at the front of the queue of one of the my chem shows i went to this tour, and the venue staff there are all gonna remember that - and they're not gonna remember those individuals, they're gonna remember "the mcr fans". if a band opened for my chem and people talked through their set, were on their phones, etc etc, that would make my chem look bad by extension bc it's their fans showing poor show etiquette. so what i meant by that was if ppl can't be embarrassed on their own behalf they could at least be embarrassed on frank's/mcr's behalf, does that make sense? like mcr has historically not been taken seriously because of its fanbase for a number of reasons and some of those were classic misogyny and homophobia etc, but in this specific context where people are showing up to hardcore shows and behaving kind of poorly (obviously it's a minority of people!) it makes it hard to blame the other people there for rolling their eyes at mcr yk? i don't think there's anything frank could do/say that wouldn't make him sound like an ungrateful asshole to the fanbase that made him rich sjdjfjfk, and again it's not that huge a deal in the end, it's just something that bothers me as a fellow fan yk

[psychiclounge]

garrett being Just A Little Stitious in tdp >

[surreal-duck]

messing around a bit

[acaplaya-musings]

The Toymaker

(Based off of the video for Voiceplay's cover of Golden Hour, in case it wasn't immediately obvious)

The Toymaker had always had a gift for creation - above and beyond things like puppets you had to move using strings connected to a wooden frame, or dolls you could only have a conversation with if you did all the talking - but this was still going to be her biggest and most ambitious project yet: she was going to make The Perfect Man.

For the most part, The Toymaker didn't mind being by herself, and was more than used to finding ways to keep herself busy, but she couldn't help wondering on the odd occasion about what it might be like to have someone to keep her company; someone to share her ideas with, someone to greet her in the morning and wish her sweet dreams at night. All the half-decent men in the village, however, were either already taken, or only took interest in her when she made something new, and that was only until the novelty began to wear off. The Toymaker wasn't good at making friends, either; the other women in the village rarely seemed to share her enthusiasm for her latest contraptions, and she found little sympathy when discussing her desire for a relationship. However, it was a quip from one of the village ladies that had given her the idea:

"If you're so good at making things, then why don't you make yourself a husband?"

This hadn't sounded like a completely genuine/kind comment, but regardless, a lightbulb had lit up in her head, and as soon as she returned to her workshop, she began sketching and planning.

The face was what she started with, and after a bit of brainstorming (and a few nights with more used-up candles than hours of sleep), The Toymaker had created 5 different heads, which she placed on stands, side-by-side, on a table in the main workroom. She had experimented with appearances, from short hair to long hair to bald; from clean-shaven to a full beard, not to mention all the other differences between them, but she liked to keep her options open.

The heads weren't technically alive, yet (or not fully, at least), but The Toymaker still gently closed each pair of eyes before she went to bed at night, and "awakened" them each morning. It often seemed like the heads would watch her when she moved back and forth in their field of vision, though she never felt unsettled by it. Or maybe it was just a trick of the light the whole time, but sometimes, when she was having a cup of coffee or reading in another room, The Toymaker swore she could hear soft singing coming from the main workroom; five different voices, echoing the kind of music she would occasionally sing or hum to herself when hard at work.

The legs were the next main component to be designed (long, but not overly lanky), followed by the arms (strong, but not excessively brawny). Then The Toymaker spent some time tailoring some clothes for her creation to wear, just as she had done for herself many a time. As she worked, the Toymaker thought about which head she was going to choose. She felt like she had grown somewhat fond of all five of them, as strange as it sounded even to herself sometimes. Maybe she could make bodies for all of them, if this first creation was a success. And after all, her new man might get lonely and want friends, and what better friends than those that started off in the same circumstances as you? But she couldn't get too ahead of herself. The Toymaker had designed a body, and now she had to choose a head to connect to it, and there was one in particular that she couldn't stop thinking about...

The heads weren't fully alive (or weren't supposed to be, anyway), so she was unsure whether or not they actually slept when she closed their eyelids each night. But regardless, The Toymaker waited until early morning the next day, when the heads still had their eyes closed, to gently and quietly lift up the head furthest on the right, and carry it over to the body she had made, which she had seated at a table in another room, where she often had her meals and drank coffee. She had ensured her design included strong lungs and a good-sized voicebox, inspired by the vocal melodies she sometimes heard from the workroom. Even if she had just been imagining them the whole time, it would be quite nice to have someone who might sing to her from time to time.

The Toymaker was an artisan, not a scientist, and so the body looked more like that of a large and overly-detailed marionette rather than a human, but that was no matter. As she gave the head a light kiss on the forehead, and joined the neck to the shoulders, The Toymaker's framework of wood, cloth, and string, turned into real flesh and bone. The chest rose and fell, taking its first breaths, and the head, now part of a full man, blinked his eyes as he came to. He looked up at her, wide-eyed and with innocent curiosity, before turning his attention to the rest of himself. The man slowly raised one hand, and then the other, turning them back and forth in front of his face, while The Toymaker took a seat opposite him at the table. She offered him her outstretched hand, quietly unsure of how he would respond, but the man placed his hand in hers, and smiled. It was a slightly-stretched, toothy smile of someone who has never tried smiling before, but it was still incredibly endearing, and The Toymaker saw sincerity in his hazel eyes.

And as the rays of dawn shone through the window, painting the room in a golden glow, The Toymaker knew that it didn't matter whether he really was "perfect" or not; this was the man she wanted to spend her days with.

[dandyshucks]

the dollar store did not have much for felt or fabric but i managed to scrounge everything i needed except for guz.ma's skin colour :(

i CAN make the janitor since they had a peach colour but I'll have to look around the house again to see if i can find anything that might work for guz's skin tone

[daincrediblegg]

Everything is working out and I am going to cry

[theflyingfeeling]

me in the Olli/Allu delelu land trying to explain how Olli acting weird and Aleksi suddenly smoking and them secretly glancing at each other must be all connected somehow

because they ARE!! 😭 we may be yet to connect the dots, but we're getting there okay, we're not crazy 😤

(don't forget the sunglasses!! I haven't figured out how but I just know they're somehow relevant in all this as well 😤 he just seems weirdly attached to them (and the bandana around his neck which he's been wearing in literally every picture we've seen of him for almost two weeks now?? not counting the pictures taken in the pool) like, did he pay and arm an a leg for them (I'm not sure if he's worn that exact pair before? I may be wrong though lol I often am with stuff like this) and justified the purchase to himself by swearing he'd wear them every chance he gets for the rest of the year lol

[fnafawoundleftbleedingau]

...partially considering holding off on posting AWLB part 2 until I've got like, the whole thing written, and re-read/reworked in places fully.