#and i just couldnt remember anything and it just made me sadder

[kulliare]

trying to not rage over the fact that inevitably i will be asked how my break went and then being unable to say that my grandpa died and i will have to swallow it down like everything else

[queen-of-scissors]

I need more of that content i wonder how will they react with minecraft or fucking roblox because roblox has a LOT of games

AWW yeaaa more ideas timmeee

Also you didnt specify if you want a cult au but i kinda did it like that. Sorry

ROBLOX

Roblox is basicly an another excuse to use "the creator of thousand worlds butt

İf you tell them it has alot of other worlds in it, you're gonna be the...

GOD OF MULTİVERSE

.

Now for me, i only use roblox for Tycoon or horror games, Tycoon games just fits the Vibe as a creator of tevat

But horror? Oh boy..

Now we know that hu tao is gonna be so impressed by the spooky stuff you show (prolly exept gore but yea) and she is gonna be the one that gives you the title;

GOD OF HYPERDEATH (no wdym its an undertale reffrence?)

.

İ remember seeing a game in roblox that were about surviving a super caotic natural dissasters. İf you play those types of survival games first of all, your followers gonna cry.

"oh how much pain have one went through!"

Especially archons are gonna be all over you if you play the natural disaster one,

"BAAL STOP USİNG THUNDER YOU'RE SCARİNG YOUR GRACE!!"

"İ AM SCARİNG THEM??? YOU ARE THE ONE THAT MADE HURRİCANES!!!"

meanwhile you're like: "i didn't survive anything-"

But your acolytes only get sadder because "you were so traumatised that you dont remember???"

Ninguang asks you to give normal people a lesson on how to survive a natural dissaster. Especially to those that dont have a vision.

But??? Acid rains aren't realy possible??

Anyways now you're the:

THE LAST AVATAR (your choice of words)

.

.

.

.

MİNECRAFT

Oh boy a tricky one

İt all based on how you explain minecraft.

.

"its a survival game about surviving the wild but there are monsters that come out at night"

Ah yes, another survival game, you seem to like that as a form of sport! Dont be suprised if you see some of your acolytes actually going for extreme survival sport to honour your name (childe, xiao, maybe zhongli, Cyno etc.).

They won't make it a secret oh no no, they want you to be the judge of who can survive the longest (before you pit an end to the competition).

Cyno found your job a perfect name even!

MAAT, GOD OF JUDGMENT (i legit looked through mythology for this lmao)

.

"its a survival game but everything is a cube"

Hehe venti is gonna call you a "blockhead" but before he can even say it he gets silenced by zhongli.

But you say that for him, loud and proud!

People are too afraid to use that as one of your titles, and if you say its fine, theyre gonna see it as you're testing them. But you and venti found another way to use this funny nickname;

Behold!! The

Rock.

(hehehe rock)

.

"its actually a survival game but you can create whatever you want in it, so-"

"wait a minute, did you say... Creation?"

Wrong choice of words got you in this one. Theres no going back.

Now people belive that you use that world so you can do a quick plan of what you are going to do in other worlds. That world must be SUPER important to you, And since Tevat and that world are actually kind of (not) alike, that also means that you also like this world other than the rest!!

Oh if they knew...

İf they knew what you did to all those poor villagers... And even sheeps (i see you and im calling the cops)...

"did you know that in that world, you only need to feed people to get them pregnant?"(not realy but its fun to leave some detailes to imagination :P)

W h a t.

They hope that that world isnt where you are from originally. BECAUSE YOU'D GOT SOME EXPLAİNİN TO DOO- zhongli would be on watchlist istg

Anyways you're the VİLLAGE TAMER now

-------------------

Hope you like it, i used every bit of my English knowledge and last 2 braincells for this.

But it was fun! İm open to more ideas! (İ can only do the games i know/played so sorry if you do request but couldnt answer 🙏)

[arthurflecksgirl]

Imagine giving Arthur a clown soft toy🥺

Plushie clowns and happy tears 

was a Headcanon I wrote a while back. It was one of my first I think.

I`ll copy it in here:

* When Arthur was still a little boy he had no toys at all. Penny didnt have much money and she wouldnt try to get him at least even one single toy. He knew that toys existed, though. He saw other kids on tv playing with teddy bears and plastic cars. Little Artie always looked at them with a heavy heart. He wished so much for  just one toy.

*When he would ask Penny if he could have one, she would always say that she is poor and can`t afford such unnecessary stuff. That he didnt needed toys anyway, because he was already such a happy boy.

*Arthur wasnt happy. And watching the kids in the movies playing in their bedrooms made him even sadder. He didnt had his ow bedroom eighter. He slept on a matress in the corner of the living room, right beside the radiator. He always thought it would help him a lot to have something to cuddle with while lying there. Stuffed animals were his faves. No one ever hugged him, so at least he would have something to hug and cling on.

* Sometimes he wished for a present from his mum on his birthday.  But it never happened. No one ever mentioned his birthday. Some years he even forgot his birthday himself. It was like it doesnt even existed. It was like HE doesnt even existed. He just wished Pennys boyfriend also thought he didnt existed. But he did.

*One day, when he got hurt by Pennys partner again, little Artie would run away from home. Running down the streets in Gotham city. He didnt knew where to go to. He wished he had a friend, but he was all alone in the world.He thought that  If he had a friend right now, he could go there and maybe he or she would have some toys to play with together. Maybe even a teddy bear.

*Gotham was a very ignorant city. They didnt even noticed the little kid running around without his parents. Arthur sat down on a bench. He wanted to cry but he couldn`t.  He felt the urge to cry so many times, but it was difficult for him to make the tears come. So it was just a feeling of being chocked. No one could see how he felt inside. That he was getting short of air.

* After the air came back again he would walk down the streets and find a junk market. He saw one of those markets before when Penny neeeded a new jacket. It was people seeling their old stuff for a cheap prize. Arthur walked through the pretty crowded place. Many clothes and books. Sometimes he watched people buying stuff and looked at the differents things with curiousity. But he never dared to touch or ask for something.

*After fiveteen minutes of pushing himself through the crowds he would see the most colorful tables of them all. It had stuffed animals, plastic cars, puzzles, games and other  toys all over. Arties couldnt belive his eyes. It was so beautiful. He made a stop right there, staring at the teddy bears.

*The old woman sitting behind the table looked at him and asked him if he lost his parents. He didnt answered. All his attention was focused on green hair sticking out between the different teddy bears. It chatched his attention right away.

*“I see you are looking at something?” the woman asked. Arthur pointed at it “Does that one teddy bear have green hair?”. The lady smiled “Oh no, thats not a bear.” Her hand was reaching out for it and she pulled out a small plushy clown with yellow vest over  a checkered jacket. Arthur loved the huge, curly, green hair and his painted face.

*The old lady showed him the plushy “He`s got one big, smile,huh? He was always my fave but I am getting old. I dont need him anymore.”

*Arthur kept in staring at the small clown. There was something about this toy that made him feel less sad when he was looking at it. The woman asked him one more time if he was all alone here. And Arthur told her that he ran away from home, which alarmed the woman right away. She told him that he cannot walk around Gotham all alone. That its a dangerous city for a small kid like him.

*The old lady touched the hair of the plushy clown. “Would you promise me to go back home if I give you Mr. Clown?”. Arthur nodded sadly “But I dont have any money”. “Thats okay, little boy. Just please go back to your parants,okay?” Arthur nodded one more time as she handed him the clown.

*He felt something that must have been joy when he held the clown in his hands. He touched the fabric of the clowns clothes and looked at his big smile. He looked up to the seller “My mum always tells me that I should put on a happy face”.

*“See?” the lady said “I am sure your mum is already worried about you. Hurry up!” And as litte Artie said thank you for the present and turned around to leave the place, the old lady ran after him and told him “Hey, little boy, just to let you know. His name is carnival”.

*30 years later

*Arthur was having nightmares again. He woke you up in the middle of the night, just like you told him he should if the nightmares wouldnt leave him alone. And it would happen a lot.

*You told him that its okay and turned on the lights. He was covered in sweat, his brown culs hanging heavy upon his forehead, dark bags under his eyes. He was even having trouble breathing a bit.

*You wrapped his arms around him tight as he was kneeing on the bed. Usually there were no words needed. Hugging him was enough. He just needed human connection. Something he never experienced in his childhood.

* He told you that it was memories of his childhood again. He wasnt sure which part of his nightmares were based on true memories and which ones were just stuff his mind made up while sleeping. He always had this one dream about his only toy being taken away from him. A small, plushy clown he found at a junk marked after running away from home. He didnt even remembered who it was that took th plushy away from him, but the pain of losing his one and only toy was unbearable for little kid Artie. It wouldnt even leave him alone 30 years later.

*After you managed to calm him down , he would crawl back under the sheets again, pressing the pillow against his face to build a shelter.

*The next few days you thought about his memories a lot and wondered how you could help him with that. You might not be able to change the memories but maybe there was a way to comfort him. And suddenly soemthing came to your mind. What if YOU would make him his own clown plushy all by yourself? He told you so many times how his old one looked like and you were really good in  knitting. So maybe you should give it a try?

*You started to knit a small clown the next day. You had everything you needed for it. There was just some meterial missing that you needed for his clothes,so you bought some fabric to make sure it would look like the plushy he discribed. It took you some days and you were hiding your work in the wardrobe between your sweaters to make sure he wouldnt find it before its finished.

*You were really excited about the thought that you might make him happy with the clown plushy. Knitting it for him made you happy,too. You put all your love in it. Thinking about kid Artie always made you sad but now he wasnt alone anymore. He wouldnt be alone ever again. You loved him with all your heart and you would never leave him alone ever again. He knew that.

*As the clown was finished you looked at it and felt satisfied with the result. His smile was big and bright red. You even managed to make the green hair look real puffy and curly. The jacket looked a bit big on him but you thought this would be just right.

*Early in the morning after you made some coffee, when Arthur was still asleep you tip toed back to the bed and placed the plushy right beside his pillow, so he would see him right after he wakes.

*You sat beside him on the bed, sipping your coffe, reading a book and twenty minutes later he started moving, mumbling something you couldnt understand, before he opened his sleepy eyes.

*You touched his messy bed hair “Hey, my love. Good morning”. Arthur immediately saw that there was something lying beside his head. He asked you what it is and reached out for it.

*You could never forget his face when he saw what it was. He wanted to ask you where it came from right away, but he couldnt say anything. He just looked at the small clown. And at you. And back at the plushy. His eyes watering, tears of happiness running down his cheeks, as he pressed the plushy close to his naked chest.

*You crawled up to him, laying your loving arms around his fragile shoulders “I hope it just looks like the clown from your childhood, Artie. I knitted this one for you myself. I thought you need your little friend again”.

*Arthur pressed the clown even closer to him, he was crying so hard. “I don`t know what to say” he whimpered. “This makes me so happy. YOU make me so happy. I don`t deserve it.” He smiled between the tears “Look at his big SMILE!”. He gave you a sloppy kiss on the lips. His face wet from crying.

* You kissed his salty tears away. One by one. A taste of his happiness. The happiness he deserved so much.

*Arthur took a close look to every detail of the plushy. “He is holding a sign with his name on it!” he said.

*Yes Artie, he does. Remember you told me the name of your childhood plushy? I didnt forgot.

*Arthur`s smile grew even wider than the clown`s smile. His eyes lighted up as a single tear fell on the plushy´s sign which said “MY NAME IS CARNIVAL”.

------

So yeah....

Oh my god, Arthur would be the cutest when receiving a clown soft toy or a plushie. He would be so moved. Artie is a little boy at heart and he deserves to get all the things he never got when he was a kid.

He would be in tears. Happy tears. I often imagined this. I think he would hug it all night long when you wouldnt be home.

I would definitely give him one!

[theworldsoul]

Okay so basically... lets talk.

I should've seen this coming. I should've known that after such a long period of happiness, something would give.

I went to pick up my glasses from the dinner table today, because that's where I left them. When I put them on... they wouldnt stay on. I checked and they were missing the two plastic parts that hold the glasses up and still on my nose.

I check the table for them, and I dont find them. Then I ask, like hey, did any of yall touch my glasses? Both the plastic things are missing. My dad IMMEDIATELY assumes that I took them off ON PURPOSE. For some reason. And I tell him no, i didnt touch them, all I remember is picking them up from the table and seeing the plastic bits missing.

Then I spend like an hour telling them no, I didnt break my own glasses, I FOUND them that way. And my dad is like mocking me, going "u always say 'I didnt do it!!!' Like you never do anything huh? I guess you're just perfect." And I'm like... BUT I ACTUALY DIDNT DO IT!!!!???!? and hes like "you never take responsibility for anything, blah blah, you're so fucking stupid, you act like a four year old, stop fucking crying, how dare you ask us if we know what happened, why are you trying to blame us, you obviously did it on purpose and now you're acting all surprised.." and I'm just sitting there. Taking it. Thinking to myself... wow. They automatically assumed the worst in me. And THIS SORT OF THING HAPPENS OFTEN!!! I get blamed for shit I didnt do all the fuckign time.

So I'm just. Crying. Because theres a certain amount of verbal abuse i can take and it's not very much. I'm being interrogated. And its distressing, because I cant PROVE that I didnt do it on.purpose, because i GENUINELY DONT REMEBER WHAT HAPPENED!!! so they just get to assume that i broke my own glasses.

Why would my dad jump to that conclusion so quickly? Simple answer: he literally hates me. He holds back, I know, but hes done this before and he'll do it again, hes shown and said what he REALLY THINKS and he'll say it again and do it again and again and again because his mask is slipping. I dont know what I did to make him hate me but he does. That's just how it is. I can't change that. Man, my parents behave like children.

Anwyays so I'm just very upset, in distress, crying really hard, trying not to say too much so I dont make them angrier but also always telling the truth, which is that I DIDN'T DO IT AND I DONT REMEBER ANYTHING HAPPENEING TO THE GLASSES!!

He asks me, who did it then? I say I dont know but it wasnt me. He said who then, if not you. I said I dont know. He didnt believe me!!!

I hate when I tell the truth and people dont believe it. Like... this is the truth. I have nothing more to offer you. Take what little I give, cos it's my fucking blood.

Anyways in the meantime my mom is checking, looking for the plastic bits. She finds them in my coat pocket.

I am proven innocent. At what cost? Well, now I'm shaking, curled up into a ball, crying, and in actual pain. My brain cant handle so much pain so it transfers it to physical pain. So there I am. A fucking kid. Who's been punished for somehting he didn't do. And theres the proof.

My dad fixed the glasses. Left me there on the couch, still trembling. Gave them to me in a case. Said I gotta be careful. I said thank you. Because, even if I'm upset, I gotta make sure other people dont get upset. He said sorry, but he said it in this huffy way that made it sound reluctant. Then he was like, I said sorry so stop crying.

He wanted a kiss on the cheek and I was gonna give him one because I dont want to seem like a dickhead, he DID apologize... and if you dont accept my dads apologies and move on and pretend that the word "sorry" fixes everything, he gets even more angry and i REALLY dont want to deal with him guilt ripping me over it. So I lean in for a little kiss and... I cant. I cant do it. My face crinkles up all ugly and I start crying hysterically every time I get close. I try a few times but I'm overwhelmed with a feeling of like... oh god. I felt so hurt. Like a scared little rabbit. Oh shit, I was fucking scared. I couldnt do it. It made me feel disgusted.

I said, later I'll do it.

I dont know why he thinks he can hurt me so bad and make me cry, then give some shitty apology and expect me to change my mood entirely and go back to being all happy. That's not how it works. If you hurt someone, they stay hurt. Your shitty little word, "sorry", doesnt make me feel any better and doesnt fix any of the damage.... but I have to pretend like it does because if I dont you get mad, and you say I'm mean for not accepting the apology,,,

Later on, he did come for a kiss again. I was in my room, pretending to be busy so he would ignore me but he didnt. This time, I didnt kiss him but I allowed him to kiss me. I just... I couldnt kiss him. I was holding back tears, and i knew if i tried to kiss him i would start crying all over again and make him upset or angry. So I just sorta... let him kiss me on my forehead. Then I went to the bathroom fast as I could, acting like I had to brush my teeth.

I locked the door, sank to my knees, and cried. Hard.

I just wish that I had a dad who loved me, or who knew how to love me... or who I knew loved me, a dad who knew what he was doing, so I didnt have to debate if he loved me or not in my head.

God. I feel so small. Like I literally feel like a little kid right now. Fucking hell. Looks like tonight I'll be indulging in my delusions, playing pretend.

It's sad that my parents fuck me up, but its sadder that afterwards I dont have anyone to comfort me and help heal me.... only myself and whoever I bring to life in my imagination.

Sometimes when I get overly upset, when I'm pushed to the edge like this, I begin to feel... a lot younger? Like shockingly younger. I'm not even the same dude anymore, I'm a fucking five year old all of a sudden. Which makes the situation even more scary and painful.

Just imagine like, a hurt scared little kid with no one to help him. He's tryna pick himself off the ground and hes telling himself "shhhhh... it'll be okay" that's me. That's literally me and it makes me feel so fucking BAD but its true.

I've been breaking down. Earlier in the day I had trouble on a quiz because I didn't know the definition of a word in a poem and I couldnt answer the question (does character A like character B?) And when I asked they said they couldnt tell me which was bullshit but whatever. Uhm so I got upset. Like, scarily upset. I gave up, wrote that i didnt want to do the question on the paper, guessed at half the answers, crumpled it up and threw it to the ground. Then I just... spaced out for the rest of class because I was STILL upset and fuck them.

At one point I left to go cry in the bathroom, but when i went in there, all the stalls were taken and there was a huge group of guys in there, like maybe ten people in there total, so I ran back out and was like fuck now what. Now I wait. I waited and nobody came out. I double checked and they were sitll there and I ran out again. I dashed to another bathroom down the hall hoping it was empty. I was blasting metal in my ears to try and drown out the FEELINGS, I hate feeling things. Got into a stall, slammed the door, started CRYING, sobbing, talking to myself, all of this with metal music blaring out of my headphones. I composed myself. When I went out of the stall I checked my eyeliner and it was... well, you could TELL I cried. I didnt bother with it tho, i just ran out of there.

Ugh and when I got back I kept doing the stim that usually evolves into literally hitting myself, so that was. Bad. At least this time I refrained from beating the shit outta my own left arm.

God.. I hope everyone who hurts me, everyone who ever fucking hurt me, feels GUILTY as all hell. I hope whatever being made me FEEL all these emotions so hard so strong so fast, ROTS. because nobody deserves to feel so intensely upset that they resort to the worst ways of coping. No one.

I'm just glad I didnt relapse. That's a positive.

[peterpumpkinparker]

Dropping By- Peter Parker/Spiderman Oneshot

Hi guys! I know its been awhile and wow Ive missed this blog-hopefully this makes up for the 3 months of ghosting <3 Word Count: 800+ Genre: Fluff! Warnings: None!

You stared at your complexion in mirror, not truly happy with the person staring back. Did your hair look fine? Did you look under dressed? Over dressed? Was your makeup too much? Too little? Your head swirled with these unanswered question. You knew know matter how hard you tried, you weren't going to look perfect on this first date.

Peter Parker, your crush since you walked into his chem class and fate graciously put your seat next to his. Your crush since he helped you study for chem after your grades started to slip. Your crush after you realized he was the Spiderman. Your crush after 4 months of pining for him, had asked you out. You thought it was a miracle, but really, everyone knew it was meant to be- and by everyone, Ned and MJ. But he had asked you out to dinner, at some new Italian restaurant, and you calmly said yes even though you wanted to scream.

You smiled at yourself in the mirror, letting the happy memory wash of that day over you like sunlight in summer. You weren't sure you were ready for this date- the butterflies you had were practically eating your stomach from the inside out- but you weren't going to back out now.

You walked down to the living room, hearing your parents in the kitchen. It was almost a half an hour to your date- and you were hoping to give a pep talk to your parents to not make things awkward between you or Peter by asking embarrassing questions. But, to your confusion, your parents looked like they were leaving- when they specifically said they would be home.

“Whatcha guys doing?” you asked casually, cautiously watching your mom pack makeup into her purse.

“Oh, y/n, you look so nice,” your mom complimented, her voice leaving a trace of guilt.

You grabbed a water from the fridge, your hand shaking from nerves.

“Are you going somewhere?” you asked before gulping down water.

Your dad sighed, giving your mom a sidelong look. “Y/n, were sorry, but you cant go on your date tonight.”

You felt your heart drop down to your stomach as shock filled your system. Almost choking on water, your voice cried out, “Why?!”

Your mom gave you a sad look, explaining,” Your father forgot he had a company get together tonight, and he promised he would be there, and he can only get in with a plus one.”

“Its required I have a partner with me to get in,” your dad further explained, “some fancy restaurant or something like that- I know it sounds stupid,” he added, seeing your clearly reproached face, “but your mother and I have to go. And you have to hold down the fort while were gone”

You looked between your parents, hoping for a crack in their faces, a way to wiggle in and get what you both want, but there was no way in.

“So- no date?” you asked helplessly.

“Im sorry, y/n, but- no date.” you mother answered, her voice stern but sympathetic.

You sighed, filling your disappointment replace the excitement. ���Guess I'll go call Peter.”

“Alright,” your father called out from the front door, “tell him were very sorry- we'll be back around 9!”

Your mother gave you a quick hug, and after your good byes and the slam of the door, the emptiness of the house made you somehow sadder than before. You didnt want to call him- the dread of letting him down, or him thinking your backing out made you feel guilty. But you found yourself finding his number in your phone, and clicking the call button, the ringing sound making you chew on your nails from nerves.

Peter picked up surprisingly quickly, making the butterflies come back from the sound of his hello.

“Hey Peter,” you sighed, dreading to tell him the news.

“Hey y/n!” he said rushed, as if he had been running for a while, the sound of wind making his voice sound fuzzy. “Im almost there, dont worry, I just gotta couple blocks to go-”

“Are you being Spiderman right now?” you asked, a smile sneaking onto your lips.

“Uhhhh-why you ask that?”

“Cause- I can hear Karen through the phone,” you stated with a smirk, waiting for his reaction.

“Crap!”you heard him curse, making you laugh even though the guilt was eating in your stomach.

“Yeah… I am,” he admitted, “but Im gonna change in the alleyway next to your house- so your parents wont think Im some crazy person when I come to pick up.”

You sighed, burshing your hair to the side. “Peter- Im so sorry to say this, but- you cant come over.”

“Wait- whats wrong y/n?” he asked, hurt in his voice, making your heart ache.

“Nothing, its just, my parents have some stupid company party to go to, and they need me to “hold down the fort”, you said with air quptes, not remembering Peter couldnt see them, “so- the dates cancelled.”

“I really was excited, Pete, I was,” you put in after, rushing your words to hopefully fix any wound you caused him.

“Me too,” he replied after a small silence, his voice smaller than usual.

‘Next week,maybe?!” You hated hearing him sound dejected, so to compensate, you tried to make your voice sound hopeful.

“Kay?” you asked him, hoping he would forgive you for doing this to him.

“Kay,” he repeated, his voice still sounding as if you just dumped him.

“Im so sorry about this Pete.”

“Its not your fault- Ill see you later, I guess. Night y/n.”

“Night.”

You sighed, laying on your bed, hoping the tears trying to crawl up would go away.

“Well,” you concluded to the ceiling, “that didnt go as well as I hoped.”

With no plans for the night, you decided to just do what you usually do on a normal night- blast music and try to do some homework. The night was just about to come, twilight coloring  your room with a burst of golden hues. It was beautiful, you had to admit, and again you felt a pang of longing to be with Peter

.It had been an hour of lonely listening to your depressing playlist of sad songs when a sudden knock was heard on your window. You jumped, a scream escaping your mouth as you instantly turned off your playlist.

You craned your head at the window pane, trying to see who the intruder was, but only a pink and orange sky greeted you. You stepped off your bed gingerly, and as you opened the window to investigate the strange sound-Out of nowhere, a red object whipped out from above the window, making you scream until you realized who it was.

“What the hell!?” you yelled, laughing off the fright.

“Im sorry, Im sorry!” Peter unhinged himself from his upside down position, the piece of webbing flying away in the breeze as his feet made contact with your small terrace.

You smiled, nervousness attacking your stomach. “Its okay,” you asked after brushing your hair out of your face- “why are you hear?”

You watched Peter shuffle a little with his feet, his broad shoulders blocking your sight of the railing of the terrace.

“Well, I felt bad that we couldnt- ya know, go out or anything-” he fumbled, “so….” He took a pause, looking at you so intently with those bug eyes on his red mask you felt a little unnerved- like he was staring right into you.

“Uh-Why dont you just close your eyes,” He finally said, the nervousness coming through in his voice. You were confused, so you took his outstretched hand with a suspicious smirk, and you laughed at the ticklish feeling his hand left on yours as he led you out your window.

“Okay, “ he counted, “one..two...three.”

You opened your eyes, and when you did, you were met with the sight of a mini picnic, complete with even a little bouquet of flowers with your favorite Italian food laid out on take out plates. It was the cutest thing you had ever seen, and you didnt know how to react to such a sweet gesture.

You stared at it, shocked- how could you be with someone so sweet and caring?

“I mean, its not much-” he began to ramble as if he was embarrassed about the cheesiness of it, “but I figured since you would be home you might want to hang out here- its okay if you dont but I just  thought maybe Id come hang out with you instead of going somewhere so I picked up the food I hope you like the flowers some lady sold them to me on the-”

You laughed, kissing his cheek to make him stop- you knew if you didnt do something, anything, hed probably go on that nervous rant for hours.

“Its perfect.” You smiled at him, happiness filling up in your eyes.

Peter felt relief envelope his body. He wished he wasn't so awkward around you, but you didnt care if he rambled, or accidentally scare you half to death. You were so sweet and funny and new him so well and man, you looked so pretty at this time of day, he wish he could take a picture of you and keep it forever. He sighed, relishing the feeling of your hand in his.

“Wait-” you interrupted his thoughts, “how are you gonna eat?” You pointed at the obvious mask covering his face.

“Oh!” He thought, feeling dumb for not thinking of that and maybe changing before he decided to knock on your window.

He quickly fumbled with his mask, bringing it above his nose so all you could see was a wide grin.

“Better?” he asked.

“Much better,” you smiled, and kissing his  cheeck again you yelled: “Lets eat!”

I hope you guys liked this! I havet been active (like at all) so I hope this makes it up! :)

Taggings:

@fratboievans @grandmascottlang @galaxy-parker @hollandroos @honeymoonparker @hazsterfield @itsholyholland @naturallytom @starksparker @underoosstark @uglypastels @underoos-shield @petersshirts @revengingbarnes @th3n3rdyon3 @just4muggles

[dwightkschrute]

In 2014 and 2015 I did a my year in review kind of thing where I, of course, reviewed it and accompanied it with a picture from that month. I somehow forgot to post 2016 (until now) and forgot to do it at all for 2017 but unfortunately, I am back with a really disappointing year. I was debating not putting myself through the legit pain of “reviewing” this year but I think of how I love going through my 2009-2010 posts and seeing how much I’ve grown so this is for you, successful and cooler future me.

2016 and 2017 were amazing but 2018 was my most promising year. My boyfriend and I were going to move in, I was going to start my dream job; everything was perfect. It definitely started out as one of the best years of my life! Then exactly halfway through the year everything changed and I was left having to pick up the pieces and completely restart, making it one of the worst years of my life.

I started January in Mexico, which was the best, but my family and I got home early in the month. I had quit my job the month before so I dedicated the entirety of this month to job hunting. Our friend (my bf’s bff who became mine and my brother’s bff early on)’s dad got a boat so it was like we got a boat too because despite the cold, we lived on it. (My boyfriend couldn’t go on the trip with us, which he was super bummed about (and that we had to spend like 10 days apart which was killer then), so he was the one to pick us up at the airport and he greeted me with a bouquet of flowers. Out of the many gifts/gestures he gave me, that was one of my favorites.)

February I started my amazing new job so life was back to 40 hour work weeks and not having much time for much else. I was always attached to the hip to my bf so almost every day after work entailed going out with him or having dinner with my family or his. That was my month. My favorite part of every February is Valentine’s Day and this one was as amazing as the rest. I don’t even have enough space (of the allotted space I give myself for each entry at least!) to describe that day. (My bf at our Valentine’s Day dinner. We finished our long day at this restaurant (so, so cool, once popular with Old Hollywood stars) on Hollywood Blvd and it was dreamy and romantic and amazing.) Oh man, I don’t have a lot of interesting things to say about March. Oh, my parents got Influenza (A/B/idk tbh), so it was two weeks of my brother, bf, and I taking care of them. My dad has a serious chronic disease so it was especially dangerous for him so it was a stressful time. Once we weren’t in hazmat suits anymore (no but really, we were gloved and double masked around them and kept them quarantined), I’d be at work or with my bf. I also started to get close with a co-worker, who I quickly became close friends with! (My bf’s two huskies. I’ve just loved that picture since I took it! I’ve never been loved by a dog more than the one in the back of this pic. Not even by my own! He has a special place in my heart.)

April was barbecues at my house or my bf’s, trying every brewery and bar around, hikes, bike rides, beach visits, baseball games, boat rides, late night cooking and baking. It was lots and lots of love and happiness and I would give absolutely anything to go back to those days. (My brother and bf grilling on Easter. This was a familiar scene, I have so many pictures of this exact scenario, yet looking at it just now made me so emotional! Stop! They’re just grilling!) May was so exciting! Very first day I got a new car! I was so happy! It was long overdue because my finicky, expensive Volkswagen had to go and I’d fallen in love with the new Honda Civic (I’ll admit I have basic taste but I don’t care!) so I finally bit the bullet and did it. This month my bf and I, after a long time of “oh wouldn’t it be nice!”, bit the bullet as well and decided to finally get serious about finding a place together. So the apartment search started, but we soon realized our home, Orange County, was super expensive. My bf, in that “ha ha jk but I’m down if you are” way, suggested we pick up and move to Oregon and I immediately agreed. It just felt right and despite us being the most careful and non-spontaneous people ever, we decided to do it! So we began to research, look for apartments but most importantly, jobs. (My car the day I took it home!)

Uhhhhhh, well, June hurts to think about! We went to visit Portland, where we decided we’d want to live because that’s where the jobs were, on a quick trip since it was strictly “business.” Portland was everything I imagined and more. We loved it and I think we loved playing house in our airbnb more than anything about the city. Back in LAX we came to the easy conclusion that though we lived Portland, that’d require a lot and for our first time moving out we’d like to stay close to home and above anything else, we just wanted to live together as soon as possible. We immediately started to look for places in LA, we spent the month apartment hunting, and towards the end of it, decided on one we really liked, one he begged me to please say yes to so we can move in already. I was so, so, so happy this month but what made me happier was seeing my bf, I swear, even happier than me. I seriously felt unstoppable and was beyond excited for our future. (I had a lot of Portland pictures to choose from but my bf and I liked this one because it reminded us of Always Sunny for some reason.)

In July, everything changed. To start, I left my job. I thought, new chapter in my life, new job coming, I’ll live really far, I should leave now. So I did. My last day was an emotional day because I loved my job so much and every single person I worked with. That very same day, my bf and I broke up. For unrelated reasons to my last day, to our moving in, to our relationship, etc. We had an amazing, amazing relationship but he has a lot of demons and issues/insecurities he has to deal with and conquer, and though I was aware and was there for him and would continue to be by his side no matter what, he decided that this was a battle he had to handle by himself and I figure before he got into a more committed situation. It didn’t have to happen, though. I hadn’t talked about the specifics of the breakup on my blog so  sorry for changing the mood of the post, but yeah, July happened and it felt like my world stopped. Really regret quitting my job now, huh? I was hit by two huge losses and changes right at the same time.  (I took this on my friend’s boat 20 tequila shots in, drunk and sad as fuck. Not to get fake deep but how sad. Literally on a boat, beautiful sunset, would rather die.)

August was a blur and I’m still not convinced I didn’t just dream it. God, alright, here we go, the rest of the year is a mess so get ready. I fell into a deep depression fast. It also didn’t help that my dad had to start getting radiation/infusions for his illness shortly after the breakup. I couldn’t believe how much my life had changed. I started dating someone else and then I dated another guy shortly after. I wanted to replace and/or forget and I really thought that’d be the solution. I was miserable when I was with them. I took absolutely any opportunity to get really drunk or high, and the opportunity came often so I spent most of my days desperately trying to not feel anything. The only time I’d feel okay was when I was extremely high and I couldn’t even think. Since I had a lot of savings for my out of state move, I had a lot of money to blow, which I did. I realized I even liked the feeling of the temporary “high” of spending a lot and receiving the stuff. I’d hang out with any friend who offered (out of boredom? loneliness?) and even ended up on a mess of a Vegas trip. Worst month ever. Maybe. (Here’s a positive! I like that bathing suit and my tiddie looks so round!)

When September came I realized two months had passed and all I had done was be a huge depressed mess. I no joke forgot about work. I just straight up forgot. I started to look for a new job, which hurt me so bad because I had to face the fact that it wouldn’t be my Cool LA Dream Job anymore. I stopped dating. Most importantly, I completely stopped drinking and smoking because it’d almost always make me sadder but also it scared me that I had no self control nor did I care. I saw a whole lot of my close friends and they, along with my immediate family, kept me afloat this month because time felt like it was going so fast. I couldn’t believe that at a blink of an eye it was night again and then a new day. Time had no mercy for me, please let me hold on. (Me at a baseball game. Tbh I’m looking at this thinking, did this really happen?)

October started out nice because my best friend of years, who I unfortunately had a falling out with three years ago, reached out to me. I’ll always give her all of the credit for doing that. I can’t begin to explain what this meant to me. It was a nice, bright shine of light that managed to shine through the dark clouds. Having my best friend is exactly what I needed. I’m a big believer in the universe acting in mysterious ways and though I had grown disappointed in its little surprise for me lately, this was the kind I always appreciate. I spent a good part of that month with her, catching up and doing things just like we did back then. It was like nothing had changed. That’s all I remember about this month, and a super fun Halloween! That day was probably one of the best days in months. (My best friend Rylee and me the first time seeing each other in 3 years. We’ve had our blogs for 8-9 years so please follow her for quality content)

November was rough. I was frustrated because surely things should had been better by then. I was still feeling so low, I was going to job interviews to no avail, I “relapsed” and had a high/drunk off my ass on a boat messy moment.. To make matters worse, I accidentally drove up on a cement divider in a parking lot and my airbags deploy, which is so expensive to fix, so my car was out of commission for a month. Then I got so sick and I rarely ever get a small cold. I seriously felt like I was cursed, even the smallest thing felt like an insult towards me. The one good thing is that since July I had been forcing myself to go to the gym five times a week. My mom said exercising was the only thing that’d help her feel that sweet release of seretonin, endorphins, dopamine, and all that good stuff when she was depressed so, though I enjoyed going to the gym before, I did it just for that reason alone. It worked and as another result I got like pretty fucking fit. Revenge body, you’re one of the few good things in my life right now. (I literally had no idea what to choose so I said fine, here’s a pic of the scene of the crime. Whatever.)

In December I turned 26. Which I hate, naturally. I went to a million more job interviews. I’m seriously so embarrassed to admit that but whatever, it’s the truth. (I have a degree, experience, and an awesome cover letter..I’ll keep blaming the curse!) What kept me sane was that we had different family members visiting from the very beginning of the month. Playing with an energetic, adorable baby kept me distracted and happy. Having so much company around also distracted me (slightly, but it helped!) from the fact that the holidays and my birthday would be quite different now. I’m one of those annoying Christmas lovers, usually at least. This year everything just happened and I didn’t care. But I survived December! (I don’t care. This is the appropriate representation of 2018 and how I feel at the end of it.)

Jesus if you’ve read all of this.. I’m sorry you had to read about the mess of my year but really more like the mess that is ME. Yknow those like “people my age I went to HS with vs me” memes? I seriously went from being that bitch with a good paying job, brand new car, a serious, great relationship with a promising future together (Like. We would color coordinate outfits! LMAO. We would have dinners with both of our families together. We were obsessed with each other. You’d roll your eyes if you saw any of this. I can’t get over how perfect we were, it’s hilarious what happened to us.) and then at the blink of an eye I went to not having absolutely any of that, casually dating (something I’d NEVER done) anyone who resembled my ex and sadly and drunkenly puking off the side of a pier. Who is she? I don’t know, I got whiplash. (Queen of parentheses and side notes, I know. But another thing about me is... I’ve never been affected by people leaving my life. I’m used to it. I’ve never been anywhere as affected as I was when my ex and I broke up. This isn’t normal for me, my ENTJ/Capricorn ass doesn’t know what this feeling is.)

Please curse that has been put on me, release me. Whoever is attacking my voodoo doll, calm down! Please! I’ve gone through enough sadness and loss. If 2019 is even slightly as bad, I’m going to be like that pigeon I reblogged the other day that’s like “fuck this I’m just going to sit here.” I can’t even make a cute but corny, hopeful “hope 2019 is great!” comment. I’m literally begging you...pleading you... I don’t believe in karma but after all of this shit, I better have something much better in stock for me. “Good things are coming!” I fucking hope so. Like, I’ll be even more annoying right now and say that it’s not fair that I didn’t get to have the future I was about to have. I don’t care about any cliche you may have for me. One door closes, everything happens for a reason, God has a plan, etc. No. Why did all of this have to happen? What can be better than the future I was going to have? I felt so unlucky. It all feels like a nightmare and I’m just waiting to feel whole again. Oh shit I got really intense. I know I’ll get over it and life will be good again eventually but for now, I am still so mad. I would have never in a million years guessed this is how my 2018 would go. 

So fine, I’ve accepted things now, so now I’m impatient and say please prove me wrong, 2019. I’m THREATENING you to be amazing!

[lumiereswig]

Please do the ENTIRETY of Forgotten! Hahaha I’m joking, pick your favorite part because that fic is v long 😍

happily, this gonna get l o n g

“The ball was flawless. In the garden, the roses continued to reach to the sky, and the storm brushed away; the lights shut off in the palace, one by one, and the music faded to silence. The prince went to bed with one or two or three pretty women he wouldn’t care for by the next day. Up in his room, Lumiere popped open a bottle of champagne.”

I set the opening to take place almost immediately after “Lit By The Sun,” though this time showing the evening Lumiere and Plumette never got—the stolen croquembouche up in their bedroom, the sharing of champagne among the servants. In the original timeline, obvs they didn’t get that—they got fire and feathers instead—but yeah. I am totally alluding to my own goddamn fics.

Plumette, lighting the candles by the bed, grinned at him over the flames. He laughed and raised his glass.

It’s not a lumiereswig post if there’s not a fucking fire reference.

“He’s turning just like his father—the prince’s father was like this, too,” Mrs. Potts explains to the musicians, who know nothing about the palace or its politics. They nod and move closer to each other on the bed. “We don’t know what he’d do without us. He’ll be fine, though; we try not to intervene. D’you only have wine up here, Lumiere? I could use a cup of tea.”

Foreshadowing of future bullshit, and also reminding the readers that Garderobe and Cadenza WERE NOT PART OF THIS PALACE-POLITICS SHIT. They did not deserve to be cursed!! fuck you agathe!!!! #justiceforgarderenza2k18

“If you cannot take a little sparkling wine, get yourself to bed, grandmother,” laughs Lumiere, and she swipes at his arms and makes him laugh. He eases into a seat between Cogsworth and Plumette and throws his arms around them.

Really trying to remind everyone how fucking close the staff is. The fam. Also, fuck you bill condon for not letting lumiere hug cogsworth every .3 seconds

“Think how long it has been!” he says. “Forty years for you, Cogsworth, but most of my life for mine. Why, I came here as a teenager—imagine me, only a little older than Chip! Fresh out of Paris and still reeking of the apothecary shop.” He grimaces, thinking of his father’s dusty store in a side-street of the city. He had fled, then, looking for the glamor his missed; in his room in Paris he had practiced dance steps, reveled in fashion, adopted the graceful movements of the court as rebellion against the bourgeois facts of an ordinary existence. He had come to this palace, and he had lit into life; dancing and feasting and glowing like gold made Lumiere’s heart sing.

EYYYY IT’S A HEADCANON I TOTALLY MADE UP

but tbh it makes sense to me (and has always made sense to me) that for all his glamor-gold, courtiers-and-candelabras bullshit, lumiere is not from an upper crust background. he’s too extra to have been born to it. That level of golden eyeliner and tequila has to be aspired to.

“We met in this palace, do you remember, mon trésor?” Plumette is close in his arms; her scent—fresh and light, like candy and macarons—right beside him. “I was only fourteen, and I loved you right away.”

“I loved you before I met you,” murmurs Lumiere. “I could never forget.”

Lots more foreshadowing, and also backshadowing. Gotta remind the idiots in the audience which motherfuckers in this story are in love.

The next day is their day off. It is their one day off in the year.

honestly this makes no sense (one day off a year???) but it’s adam. pre-curse adam. i can write him to get away with pretty much any bullshit and be like “””*shrug* uhhh he’s a beast, dudes, of course he banned puppies and kittens from the palace and hates daisies and sunshine”“

also tbh i hate the whole adam dialogue sequence, it’s really badly written

Adam stands in the lonely, empty halls. If he stands in the tower, he can see them weaving their way through the forest and down to the village, to spend their day in the company of each other, in Lumiere and Plumette’s case, or with loved ones, in the case of Mrs. Potts. No matter what, all the servants have each other. And Adam has nobody.

casual evermore references whenever we can’t get in a flame pun

….after all, at least when he yelled they looked at him.

someone told me this line broke them and i am forever pleased. yes mofos!!! relish my very slipshod, mostly shite grasp of the english language!!!!! revel in my poor grasp of human psychology!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Lumiere! The night grows old.”

 The crone grows young.

to make up for the shit in the previous chapter, I really enjoy this bit. the whole bashing-between-the-palace-and-the-village nonsense just makes me happy.

Belle wakes up to a jolt in the road, and the rough wool blanket on her face, and the smell of cheese and paint and horse and wind clinging to her skin. She rubs her eyes and tries to wipe away the sleep. They’re in the wagon, again, and Maurice is hunched up in the bench, encouraging Philippe to trot faster. The contents of Belle’s entire life are jammed in around her, a moving nest of drawings and gear-boxes and packets of cabbage-seed.

aaand we’re with belle. I had to rewrite this chapter about five million times because it wasn’t working—I had planned it out too much in advance, you know, and was just like regurgitating the writing rather than writing it—but I’m happy with the textural detail of this bit. Again, sometimes it pays to use the words around what you’re going for rather than the literal sensation; in this case, cheese and paint and horse and wind, and that rough wool blanket. Home, but also chill, and travel, and being uncomfortable, and the 18th century equivalent of going on a road trip and eating crackers in the backseat while dad’s up front and the crackers making the seat all gritty and reading books in the light of the passing streetlamps, ya feel?

Lilles, Reims, Amiens

i don’t understand french geography

A tiny, delicate gesture from his long fingers; it is a surprisingly sophisticated movement for a man in a yellow peasant’s vest, with candle wax creased in the dirt between his fingernails.

this whole chapter is slightly hard to read because it’s clearly trying too hard, but i hope i got across (or at least, whacked you across the forehead with) the bits i felt were important: lumiere’s current emptiness, but the last imprints of who he ought to be hanging around. i also tend to mention the peasant’s vest too many fucking times, just because the image of lumiere wearing anything that’s not satin & silk is fucking devestating. also, it will be important later, and i need yall to remember that LUMIERE DOESNT LOOK LIKE HE NORMALLY LOOKS

“I am nothing now,” says the man, in a flash of vehemence so sharp it is like seeing a flame in the middle of the forest. He looks up to her—his face broad, and white; and it is an empty face, and beyond the fire in his words there is nothing there at all. It is as if someone washed out all his color, and left him only with his yellow vest.  

you can tell, again, this is a lumiereswig fic because suddenly the language is all about fires and flashing and flickers and flames and there’s probably going to be a reference to the sun fucking setting at some point

also, honestly, this was hard to write because i was seeing it as a fucking movie in my head, and transcribing ‘ewan mcgregor lies on a village stoop looking fucking dismal’ is not what literary writing is made of

He welcomes her to the stoop with the flick of a wrist and a tiny nod with the pipe,

just to remind everyone once a-fucking-gain, Lumiere Is Not Normal, And You Can Tell Because He’s Not Being Very Welcoming. like honestly if you don’t say hello by doing a song and dance what the fuck are you doing

“I knew someone once who treasured books that way as well,” he says, and a smile drifts across his face, homeless. Something in him is sparking up at the story: dim, and faint, but laughing. “He once made me read the whole Odyssey—”

ok yes thank god the fic is finally getting good again

Sorceresses turning people to pigs, and the lily-eaters forgetting their homes, and Penelope undoing the days until her husband returns

ON. THE FUCKING. NOSE

also if i make a literary reference in a fic i am almost 100% of the time trying to make an obvious as fuck connection between the two

Deeply, deeply frightened. Not of the man on the stoop—she has never seen anyone more harmless, to be quite honest; he is such an empty man, with such silent, lifeless limbs—but of the thing inside his eyes when he speaks of his past. It is Other—a thing not rooted in a Parisian background, or the empty face, or the subdued soul. It is a large streak of gray inside the man’s blue eyes, a gray empty and unnatural and as hollow as cold ice. Staring at his eyes, Belle finds herself clutching her arms with fear.

ahhhh fuck subtlty has gone totally out the window. yall are kind and see what i was going for, but i swear this could be better done if i knew shit

It is obvious to Belle that this is a practiced ritual, the sharing of the secret wine.

in retrospect this fic would be sadder if cogsworth or lumiere weren’t friends, but uhh…i just couldnt bring myself to it.

“Oh là là, he acts as if the French accent is difficult,” says Lumiere, puffing smoke….

LIKE YOU CAN SPEAK FRENCH ANYWAY, YOU SCOTTISH DIPSHIT.

“Get off my stoop!” yells the woman. “D’you have wine down there, Lumiere?“

“If you cannot take a little cheap wine, get yourself to bed, grandmother,” calls Lumiere.

and that’s called taking yourself too seriously and referencing your own fic from a few chapters ago

“Mrs. Potts, the crockery-man’s wife,” says Lumiere, and takes a large gulp of the wine. “I barely know her. Thank God.”

PROBABLY THE BEST LINE IN THIS FIC SO FAR. fucking love the simplicity that does so much more than every labored reference to emtpy fucking limbs or colorless eyes beforehands. one simple line and we’re all fucking realizing THE EXTENT OF ALL THIS SHIT

i gotta head off now but i’ll do the rest later tonight

[send me one of my fics (or a bit from a fic) and i’ll do director’s commentary on it—ask here]

[marshalls-scribbles]

ok so like id be super down to hearabout your 4 pages worth of hcs???? and also after going through the prompt list i couldnt stop thinking about chansaw 26 possibly set in a sadder version of bored

i might write my headcanons down in a separate post soon, but in the meantime, prepare for angst. you asked for it, so i’m absolved of any guilt for any emotional distress.

26: Broken, as you clutch the sleeve of my jacket and beg me not to leave 

Chansaw

Veronica groaned as she pushed herself out of bed. Still a few hours before she had to leave. Might as well go early, since she didn’t have much time left to sleep. The extra hour wouldn’t be worth the interruption. She carefully walked to the bathroom, doing her best to navigate without her glasses. She made it to the bathroom without incident, somehow managed to put her contacts in without trouble, and grimaced at the amount of hickeys on her neck and shoulders. Heather had come to visit last night, and Veronica hadn’t been strong enough to tell her to leave.

This was getting old. It wasn’t sustainable. She kept getting worried looks from Betty and Martha, and she wasn’t sure if she’d be able to tell them she was alright and make it believable.

Grumbling to herself, she did her makeup, making sure to cover up the bite marks, and headed downstairs, pouring herself a cup of coffee and leaving. She knew she should be eating. She shouldn’t start skipping meals again. Veronica sighed, rooting through her bag for one of the granola bars she kept for when she couldn’t bring herself to eat more than a few bites of food.

Empty. Fantastic. She sighed and grabbed her bike, sending a quick text to Heather to let her know not to bother picking her up. She needed to clear her head.

The roads were clear enough this time of the morning that she was able to listen to music without worrying about being taken off guard by a car. She managed to somewhat improve her mood by the time she reached the school. If she could have gotten her morning run in, she would have felt even better, but she hadn’t been able to go jogging in a few weeks. She sighed as she parked her bike, fishing the bike lock out of her bag and locking it to the bike rack. She was starting to get restless, her body itching to run, or climb, or anything else to get rid of some of this energy.

On her way inside the school building, she noticed she was scratching at her arm. She grimaced, pulling her hand away from her wrist. She definitely needed to get some of her nervous energy out.

Nodding to herself, she wandered to the locker rooms, retrieving a tank top and a pair of shorts from her locker, as well as a beat up pair of purple and black running shoes, before changing and running out towards the track.

She grinned as she stretched by the shredded rubber of the track lanes, the chill of the wind sending a shiver through her that snapped her awake. She breathed in deeply, the clear air affording her a moment of contentment. This would be the perfect opportunity for her to clear her head.

With a practiced ease, she tied her hair back in a low ponytail, untangled her headphones, and plugged them into her phone, pressing play on her exercise playlist and starting off at a slow jog, gradually picking up speed until she reached a comfortable pace.

She ran until the songs blurred together and she could no longer bring herself to care what the lyrics were. She ran until her legs burned from the exertion and her face was slick with sweat.

She slowed her pace until she was walking at a leisurely pace in lane 8, pausing her playlist and just listening to the sounds of her surroundings until she caught her breath. She soon walked off the track, walking back towards the school to shower and reapply her makeup.

She showered quickly and spent a few minutes redoing her makeup before she deemed herself presentable and emotionally ready to face the day, before finally leaving the locker room and making her way to one of her favorite places.

The band room was full of kids finishing up with early morning marching band practice. Veronica grinned, silently making her way to where Betty sat, cleaning her trombone while Martha sorted through their music.

Veronica waited patiently until they’d both put their equipment away before greeting them. “What’s up?”

Martha turned around, grinning from ear to ear. “Morning, Veronica! What are you doing here so early?”

Veronica shrugged. “Woke up early and figured I’d come here early to get some exercise in. You guys were on the other practice field, right?”

Betty nodded, her own smile more restrained than Martha’s, but no less glad to see Veronica. “Yup. How have you been? We haven’t seen you in a while.”

Veronica frowned. “You uh, remember that thing I had with Courtney?”

“Yeah?” Martha’s brow furrowed in confusion. “What about it?”

“I may  have entered a similar arrangement with someone I actually have feelings for, and it may or may not have been a bad idea,” Veronica admitted.

Betty huffed. “Honestly, if they can’t appreciate you, then none of the Heathers deserve to be with you.”

Veronica chuckled. “It wouldn’t be so bad if I just could stop having feelings for her.”

“That’s how it is sometimes,” Betty shrugged.

Veronica nodded. “I just needed to tell someone, and I know you won’t judge me for being an idiot.”

Betty laughed. “That’s because we expect it at this point.”

Veronica stuck out her tongue at Betty. “Whatever. I’ll talk to you two later. Heather’s gonna want to yell at me for riding my bike here instead of letting her show off how generous she is for picking me up.”

Betty scoffed. “What do you see in her, anyways?”

Veronica sighed wistfully. “Something that might not even be there anymore.”

Veronica groaned as she got off her bike and went inside the house.

Heather hadn’t yelled, strangely enough. Rather, she’d just looked at her with an expression Veronica couldn’t read and told her to do whatever she liked.

Veronica thought she knew how to deal with this. She thought she could be okay with what she had.

A knock sounded from the front door, and Veronica huffed, before opening it to reveal-

“Heather,” Veronica said, “I wasn’t expecting company.”

Heather frowned. “What’s up with you lately?”

Veronica shrugged. “Just haven’t been feeling well. It’s nothing.”

Heather scoffed. “Don’t lie to me. You’ve been avoiding me.”

Veronica wasn’t honestly expecting her to catch on so quickly.

“Yeah, I was,” she sighed.

“Why?”

Veronica didn’t have time to answer before her dad’s voice piped up behind her.

“Veronica! Feel like helping your dear old dad with the plants?”

Veronica sighed with relief, turning to answer. “I’ll be there in a second!” She turned back to Heather, her expression neutral. “You want to come in?”

Heather frowned, but didn’t refuse. Veronica shrugged, before turning to walk out towards the back yard. Heather followed until they reached the back porch.

The garden took up most of the yard, with plants of nearly every type scattered about. They were all very obviously well cared for, and as Heather watched Veronica pick up a set of work gloves, she realized there was still so much to learn about Veronica.

“Ah, Heather! Good to see you again!” Veronica’s dad beamed.

Heather blinked. “Nice to see you again too, Mr. Sawyer.”

He sent Veronica an amused look, before turning back to the garden.

“We need to get everything ready before winter.”

Veronica nodded, and the two were soon engrossed in making sure the garden would be ready for them to start planting once spring arrived.

Veronica and her dad returned to the kitchen a few hours later, joking and laughing and looking thoroughly exhausted.

Veronica grinned at her mom, who was standing over the stove, cooking. “What’s cooking mom?”

“Spaghetti, your favorite,” She said, smiling at Veronica.

“Is it okay if Heather stays for dinner?”

Veronica’s mom nodded after a moment. “Absolutely! Now, you and your father should go wash up, and then I expect you both to help set the table.”

Veronica nodded and raced up the stairs. All in all, today wasn’t so bad.

Heather sat awkwardly at the dinner table, making polite, if awkward, conversation with Veronica’s dad.

“I have to say,” Mrs. Sawyer said, “It’s good to see you girls are talking again. When Veronica told us the two of you had had a falling out, we were worried she might not bounce back.”

“What do you mean?” Heather asked.

“Well, the two of you were just about inseparable until third grade,” Mr. Sawyer said, “You were the only  person she’d talk to. She’s always been such an anxious girl. She only used sign language for a long time.”

Mrs. Sawyer laughed. “I remember the two of you would spend hours just learning how to sign with each other. You’re probably the best friend she ever had.”

Veronica had gone silent. She stared down at her food, not touching it despite being almost ravenous just a minute ago.

“I… hadn’t realized we used to be friends,” Heather admitted. “I thought we’d only just met this year.”

Mrs. Sawyer frowned. “That’s odd. You used to spend so much time here, one might think we had two kids instead of one.”

Heather looked over at Veronica, whose gaze hadn’t lifted.

“May I be excused?” Veronica asked. “I’m not feeling too well.”

“Of course,” Mrs. Sawyer said, “Go on up to your room and rest. We’ll take care of the dishes.”

“Thanks,” Veronica said, pushing her chair in and retreating to the kitchen.

Veronica was expecting her parents to just send Heather off with an extra serving of food and that would be the end of it.

She was surprised to instead see Heather Chandler bursting into her room a few minutes later.

“You never told me we used to be friends.”

Veronica shrugged. “You never asked. I figured it was best forgotten.”

Heather frowned. “What’s going on with you? First you’re avoiding me, then this? What’s going on, Ronnie?”

“Don’t,” Veronica growled. “Do not call me that.”

Scary as Veronica’s anger was, Heather didn’t back down. “Tell me what’s going on.”

Veronica groaned. “I can’t do this anymore! When you said you just wanted a casual relationship like what I had with Courtney, I thought I could handle it! I thought it could be enough! But I’m still too in love with you to so much as look at you without it hurting!”

Heather’s eyes widened. “You-”

“And it’s awful because I want so much more than to just be your casual makeout buddy! I want to take you on dates, and hold your hand, and all that mushy, stupid crap! But more than any of that, I want my friend back, but it’s like the Heather Chandler I fell in love with doesn’t even exist!” Veronica sighed, pressing her hands to her face. “Just go.” Her tone was weak, defeated, yet it allowed no room for argument.

Heather reached out, her hand holding tight to the arm of Veronica’s sweatshirt. “I-”

“Go!” Veronica shouted. “Forget I said anything! Forget me too, while you’re at it! You’re good at that.”

“I love you,” Heather whispered pleadingly.

Veronica stiffened. “It’s too little too late, Heather. Just leave.”

Heather stared for a moment, before sighing and walking out of Veronica’s bedroom, closing the door softly behind her.

Veronica collapsed back into her desk chair and let out a heavy sigh. She’d finally done it. She broke off her arrangement with Heather.

Somehow, it didn’t feel as freeing as she’d expected.

[nutellov3rs-unsaid-thoughts]

22/04/20 - 1:08 AM

i remember from the start i know you and you came in to my life there’s no feeling i had for you. i liked u from the start because u were a nice person. i liked to talked everything about me and start to told u my whole life story. even i said to you, please dont fall in love with me, because i cant. you knew i still love someone else, u knew how cheos my life was. but u always convinced me with ur efforts and patience. you tried to always be there for me, almost everytime. because you know i cant be alone. i always stressed my life. you came to cheer me up, you always try ur best to make me laugh. honestly, i was glad you came. you brought me up from my darkness side. you used to tell me, i wasnt that bad and i could be a better version of me. you always supported me. you made me ur priority. but how stupid i am, i still couldnt realize ur exsistanced. i wasted you... i wasted your time...

then till the time came when u start to changed. maybe you tired, or maybe u felt all ur efforts was wasted. you changed. you started to hurt me, even more.. the first time you hurt me, i cant even felt my self. it feel sucks. and since that day i knew that i love you. my life became sadder. it was ur turn to hurt me, again and again. and i knew my love became more deeper. even i talked to my friends abt my sadness, they told me to leave. but i cant. i wont. i thought u could change by the time. i always blame my self because from the start i wasted you. i thought that i was in ur posisition when u tried to catch me.

i know it was my fault for asked u to be someone i wanted. i put too much expectations on you. i know i shouldn’t do that. i keep told you... i always asked u for always with me, i forget that u have ur own life too. ur life wasnt just about me. i know it was my biggest fault. sorry if i pressed you too much..

when i realized that i need you and now you’re gone..

i know it was my fault and my decision to end this. i thought it was the best way for our complicated story. i thought u had loss your feeling for me. you became an ignorant one. you replied me in hours. you were no longer call me. and it was my biggest regret.. till i realized that i love you so much. i tried to face day by day. it became sadder. lately i realized that i need you. i fixed my heart. and i asked u to back.. but you cant.. it breaks my heart to the most. i cant even imagine anything, anymore. it was my fault.. my regret become nothing anymore. you wont comeback, forever...

and here i am, faced day by day with my gloomy heart. cried and cried. i couldnt even control my self. im lost... totally lost... i dont know why am i like this. i just cant feel my self anymore. everything become so grey and...dark. but, again.. i cant change anything. i cant force you to back with me. it’ll be my forever foolishness. goodbye love, hope u can find ur true happiness as soon as possible. hope u can find the right one for you on the right time too, so you dont need to waste your time like you did to me.

sorry for disappointed you, sorry for hurting you.. but thankyou for come to my life and let me to feel loved, by you.. hope we can talk again someday, when we finally find our own peace..

thankyou, by..

[kevinprace]

i saw hamilton!!! (8/18/17; la pantages theater)

hamilton: first national tour (8.18.17) - first off, there will be spoilers about the show! don't read if you don't want spoilers.

this is just basically an info dump for everything so i never forget it?? i’ll also prob be editing this a lot when i suddenly remember a detail and want to add it,,

 when joshua (burr) first came out, there was like 1 minute of applause and it was amazing!! joshua did such a did job at portraying burr ?? like you could see his affection turn to hatred, one song at a time,, it was beautiful! also his room where it happens was eLECTRIFYING !!! he jumped like 10 feet when he jumped off the table it was amazing !!! his "world was wide enough" was beautiful and his vocals are so so so so amazing i could listen to him talk for days. 

raven was my angelica and oh. my. gosh. she was flawless. (i daresare i liked her angelica more than OBC). her satisfied left me in tears and her riffs just ,,, were beautiful,,, she was an angel at the stage door (she complimented my shirts!!) and she did just an amazing job at brining angelica to life ?? 

soLEA (eliza) WAS AN ANGEL I LOVED HER!!! her helpless was just,, so,, smooth and gorgeous it made me feel like i was falling in love too ??? her burn made me cry, ,, she brought so much emotion (esp in the "you, you, yoOooU") and made me cry again ,,, - also the belt at the end of schuyler sisters had be feeling things,,, wow

ruben (philip/laurens) was such an adorable philip and wild laurens ?? he was able to dramatically change his character act 1/act 2 and thats like so talENTED ??? plus his voice is like an angel so i love him for that 

the heartbeat in the background of stay alive reprise,,,,, got me,,

 ok but the laurens interlude deserved a spot on that album ?? its so beautiful and yeah i know its super short bu t its,,, 

RORY. OMALLEY. MADE. ME. LAUGH. SO HARD. his king george was so funny i just laughed and laughed ?? the lil shoulder raises he does is just adorable ?? and the facial expressions in "what comes next" we just iCONIC I LOVE HIM. not to mention hes a frickin angel and i love him because he took abt 100 pictures for me at the stagedoor and LA is so blessed to have him for a whole 5 months ?? he just reminds me of a lil annoying fairy who keeps providing commentary over the founding fathers’ lives it was fuNNY,,, also kgiii successive loses more clothes as the show goes on,, until like,, he has no crown in reynolds pamphlet its wild

bUT REYNOLD PAMPHLET WAS WILD,,,,, LIKE EVERYONE WAS THROWING THOSE PAPERS AROUND HAMILTON AND POOR PHILIP IM

also also it was so great how, they had everyone on the stage? like even if they weren’t on the scene they were watching the show?? (maybe a sign for “history has its eyes on you” because they were literally watching the events play out ?? idk im not good at analysis)

rory stamping his foot for “im so blue” and the stage lights turn blue was just ,,, iconic

also his british accent was 10/10

 our jefferson/laf (jordan) wAS SO SASSY AND HILARIOUS AND EXTRA I LOVE,,,, HIS DANCE MOVES WERE 10/10 IM IN LOVE. he has the best hair, no question!! esp when he shook it around durin "you dont have the votes ?" and his "wHAAAAt" was super iconic im,,, not to mention he wore a keith haring sweater out after the show and i was like !!! 

OUR MADISON/HERCULES (mathenee)  HAD THE BEST DANCE MOVES 11/10 HE WAS GRINDIN ON BURR AND I ALSO NOTICED THAT DURING STORY OF TONIGHT,, HE STEAL LAURENS' BEER AND THAT WAS JUST,, SOFT,, ALSO THE MIC DROP/CATCH WAS SUPER ICONIC I LOVE HIM 

hooo washington (isaiah) was flawless, his vocals in one last time blew me away and i just,,, couldnt breathe ??

charles lee : iM A GENERAL WHEEE EeEEE (that was so funny bc he just jAMMED in the middle of a song it was ,,)

your obedient servant was so passive aggressive and amazingly staged i loved the 10000 letters ham sent in response it was so Extra and i loved it

the cabinet battle funny moments: ok, so the “uh, france” was just hILARIOUS and ham mocking jefferson with the dancing was perfect ,,

and when ever ham said “talk less, smile more” to like mock burr, he woULD TO THE RIDICULOUS DANCE MOVE THAT BURR DID AND NOW ITS LIKE AN “INSIDE JOKE” BUT ITS SO OVER EXAGGERATED I LOVE

 and the lighting was just so carefullly thought out and i just could watch the light shows for days because it was just,,, mesmerizing ?? 

the dancing was amazing, it makes up so so much of the show and i wouldnt trade it for anything ?? 

the bullet getting pulled away from ham by the other ensemble members and him like walking towards it and away just,,,, like amazing

ALSO THOSE TURNTABLES WERE SO STRATEGICALLY PLACED I LOVE ,,, like during hurricane,,, everyone was turning around hamilton?? like his entire life just ,, there

KARLI (peggy/maria) HER MARIA WAS SO GOOD,,, THE NOTE IN SAY NO TO THIS >>>>> it was amazing

YORKTOWN MADE ME WILD,,,, I COULDNT ,,, BREATHE ,,,, OH,,, MY,,, GOSH,,, THE DANCIN, THE SINGING,,, IT WAS,,, A AMAZING

 satisfied was amazing the "rewind" was ,,,, just breathtaking,,, like everyone was doin it again,, but backwards, and a lot faster,,, it was,,,,

 aND ELIZA AND PEGGY TOUCHED NOSES IT WAS ADORABLE I LOVE EM - "include women in the sequel" and "immigrants, we get the job done" got a solid minute of applause i love us 

THE "MF DEMOCRATIC REPUBLICANS" MADE ME FEEL LIKE I WAS GONNA JUMP UP AND JOIN EM THE EXCITED LIL HOPS OF JEFFERSON MADE ME LAUGH 

WHEN THE STAIRCASE SWUNG OUT AT NON STOP I IMMEDIATELY THOUGHT “ IS THIS MAN UP” BECAUSE OF ARNOLD ON THE STAIRCASE THINGY

aLSO MICHAEL (HAMILTON) TRIPPED WHEN HE WAS RUNNING UP THE STAIRS DURING “NON STOP” IT WAS FUNNY BECAUSE HE JUST KEPT RUNNING

also also jef flicked his coat tails so much it was iconic,,, 

hamilton. aka michael. he was just ,,, oh my,,, i have no words ??? like,,, his my shot was so different than lin's but it was just like so much better ?? he aCTUALLY CRIED REAL TEARS DURING PHILIPS DEATH AND IT MADE THE MOMENT SO MUCH SADDER ?? his hurrican e was like, heart wrenching you could fEEL the emotion 

FARMER REFUTED WAS HILARIOUS LIKE AARON WAS HAULIN THIS LIL HAM OUT OF THE WAY OF FIGHTING SEABURY IT WAS FUNNY??? and seabury was like tryin to get in front of him to talk ?? (it was like that sharpay vs tiara gold from hms 3 they were flGHTING to be in front for the spotlight,, wild)

right hand man ?? you could like feel the canons i was liVing - the cry from eliza was heartbreaking,, you could pinpoint the moment her heart ripped in half,,, 

and the same bench from that would be enough was the same one as burn ??? wow the pain,,,

the adams administration where it bleeps out ham's words,,, THE LIGHTS WENT ALL FLASHIN RED AND IT WAS SO FUNNY

the orphanage, i was sobbin

bUT HER GASP At THE END MADE M E QUESTION LIFE

its a shame i didnt get to meet solea or michael at the stagedoor, but everyone else was incredibly kind i dont know how these people are human,, we dont deserve them

all in all, it was so worth the 540 days of waiting im so incredibly blessed to see his production and this tour cast deserves their own album i love them so so much and i can’t wait to see what they do in the future

also i got a signed playbill/poster and they are now my treasured babies i will love them forever

hamilton is like,, so well thought out,,, its not just random? every light, every person on that stage has a purpose and i wish i could see it over and over to understand all the deep meanings but i can���t (bc im poor and barely snagged these tix) but i can wish lol

tl;dr: in other words, hamilton is an amazing show. (sure the fandom is kinda toxic) but it lowkey deserves its hype. 

10/10 would watch again

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Carly

Ali: Ich glaub ich spinne Carly: wtf Carly: do you want a drink babe? Ali: ze german, baby Ali: i'll say no but get why you're saying yes so early Carly: k more for me Carly: nobodys in a sharing mood today Ali: yeah? Carly: yea Carly: no fun Ali: Leben ist kein Ponyhof Carly: give drew a slap for me k Ali: it would be my pleasure Ali: can i ask how he's pissed on your parade from over here tho Carly: the boy played me Carly: he wanted me to beg for what id just given him the prick Carly: shouldnt have drunk this much this soon my bad Ali: he's a fuckboy Ali: you knew that Ali: my sister on the other hand remains frustratingly oblivious Carly: dont be mad at me Carly: ive been trying to get him to dump her this whole coach ride Ali: I'm not mad at you, babe Ali: no room with how much ugh I have for him Ali: well, hopefully she will him Carly: he thinks shes gonna fuck him in berlin Ali: prick Ali: won't when she finds out Carly: you cant say anything cuz i wasnt meant to Ali: Let himself fuck it up then Ali: he's not being subtle Carly: he cant do subtle Carly: me and him have that in common like Ali: Carly Ali: do you like him? Carly: why Ali: because I think you do Carly: it doesn't matter what you think Carly: he thinks she's girlfriend material & im a slag Carly: hes not wrong either Ali: If you like him, then you should say Ali: regardless, shouldn't let him be a cunt to you, and Ro in the process Ali: who the fuck is he Carly: ha Carly: i dont like anyone baby Carly: I'm just bored Carly: berlins a whole new party Ali: well, good Ali: one less worry Ali: I wish you the perfect holiday fling Carly: aw Carly: youre still the sweetest Carly: sure you dont want a drink while theres some left? Ali: need it now so fuck it Ali: chuck it over Carly: come over Carly: you kno youre the sporty one Carly: i cant be throwing things round the coach Ali: alright, you calling baby spice, I assume? Carly: or scary Carly: depends whos asking Carly: cant be posh tho Ali: yeah you can Ali: she weren't even and you can rock that pout just as well Carly: aw Carly: you should be baby tho youre the cutest Ali: little school all over again, we can't all be baby, lads! 😂 Ali: i'll be ginger, if you wore that iconic dress on your site, you'd get lynched Carly: yea Carly: & if anyone would cause drama by going solo its you Carly: Marlene been knew Ali: Ouch 💔 Ali: but fair Ali: Already thinking about her due to namesake birthplace but you really went there Ali: please tell me I haven't tanked as hard, not got Drew's fragile ego like but 😥 Carly: you kno im just mad youre not thinking about me Carly: dont listen to a word i say Carly: goldies got a fragile heart now too, so sad you broke up w me & stole his bf on top Carly: someone think of the golden god Ali: baby Ali: yeah, that's TOTALLY what the weird vibe is all about Ali: moody twat, soz a threesome is outta the question now Carly: he likes you too Carly: thats a thing Carly: playing like im the one hung up but he is Ali: Nah Ali: that boy don't know what he wants Ali: not down for him using my bestie and sister to find out though, fuck off and soul search like the rest Carly: he wants you Carly: but you got your boy & he shouldnt be trying to mess w Carly: meant to be his boy too Ali: so he reckons but give him 5 minutes before he weren't arsed Ali: don't trust him as far as I can throw him so ain't taking his word on that either like Ali: exactly Ali: 🐍 Carly: id leave him alone if he was happy being w her but i kno he isnt Carly: not letting him lie to me Ali: it doesn't have to be your problem Ali: or your job to make him happy Ali: knew it though Carly: ha Carly: it isn't my problem Carly: & i cant keep a job you kno Carly: couldnt do that one if i was paid like Ali: no one can babe Ali: not to be that hippie cliche about it Ali: but forreal, gotta do that shit himself Carly: its Carly: how he makes me feel sometimes Carly: not happy im not living that lie but Carly: its not nothing & sometimes its good you kno Ali: yeah Ali: i know Ali: but you can have more, if you want Ali: that is possible Ali: you don't have to settle for sometimes good Carly: youre sweet but youre a dreamer babe Carly: ive got nothing going on not in my head & not around me Carly: theres no more than settling down on the site or settling for being off whenever i can Ali: s'not true Carly: yea it is Carly: you dont want it to be but that dont mean its not Carly: me and that boy have more in common than not being subtle like Ali: it ain't Ali: doesn't have to be Ali: nothing is set in stone unless you pour the fucking cement yourself, like Carly: it doesnt have to be doing it but it can still get poured Carly: forget it tho Carly: im drinking on empty & feeling sorry for myself Carly: no fun in that Ali: ain't that fast drying Ali: dust yourself off and run Carly: where to babe Carly: nowhere to go but the coach bathroom Carly: been there done that Ali: well hang on a bit and we'll be in a whole new country, babe Ali: promise is a promise and we can start in Berlin Carly: but 3s a crowd when its not a party Carly: im not trying to mess you & your boy up Carly: cant tell drew off if i do Ali: nah Ali: it ain't like that Ali: not got the blinkers on and knowing each other's passwords and schedules Ali: got trust Carly: yea? Carly: got food too or Carly: cuz im gonna vom if you say no Ali: Yes Ali: Lemme food parcel Carly: if you havent lost the knack Carly: been awhile Ali: 😔 Ali: i'm soz Carly: dont be Carly: you kno i love you Carly: no drama Ali: i love you too Ali: and you would tell me if you needed something wouldn't you Ali: 'cos that ain't changed, i'm still here Ali: unlucky bitch Carly: unlucky for you Carly: shouldnt be on site unless theres something in it for you babe Carly: all i need is to remember breakfast before i get on a sess Carly: & to dilute my spirits sometimes too Ali: there is, you nutter Ali: there you go, who said school trips weren't educational? only on the bus and you're whacking out the wisdom already Carly: not as thick as i look Carly: ms woodfield was thinking it too i reckon Carly: she might kno but im still gonna blame the shit driver if i vom Carly: try and stop me bitch Ali: you look nothing but amazing hush Ali: she's down with the kids, she'll hold your hair back Carly: you hush Carly: trying to make me emotional in front of the front of the coach Ali: it's alright, join Millie Rooney and say you're homesick 😉 Carly: idk whats sadder everyone thinking im crying over an empty caravan or that prick thinking its about him Ali: 😬 i know what i reckon Ali: better dry those tears, babygirl Carly: get his phone for me tho yea Carly: i am mad he gets me & i get nothing back Carly: use the magic Ali: use my mad hacking skillz gotcha Ali: but should I use them for good and accidentally forward some incriminating shit to Ro? 🤔 Ali: this is why we're not meant to play God Carly: do what you must Carly: i trust you Ali: don't worry, sure you're not the only girl he's been chatting too Ali: no offense meant obvs but you know Ali: don't have to drop you in it, as if its your fault but idk, Ro isn't always willing to be entirely rational when it comes to him Carly: idc she never liked me much anyways Carly: better that than dropping some naive random in it Carly: everyones seen me naked if it blows up Carly: old news Carly: & the vid was good too i look hot Ali: hmm, good point on the random Ali: and I don't doubt that you did Ali: I'll have to think on this a bit harder Carly: k Carly: if everyone gets in my inbox ill kno Ali: god Ali: people are gross Carly: can be fun sometimes Carly: cant all be angels like you babe Ali: 🖕 Ali: you know i ain't Carly: i kno you are Carly: too sweet Ali: pot kettle baby Ali: but your secret's safe with me 😘 Carly: ha Carly: its no secret im only sweet to you so youre the only one who needs to kno Ali: 'cos people suck Ali: that's no secret Ali: not gonna waste your time, are you, like Carly: not as good at picking out the deserving ones as you Carly: no secret i fuck up more than i dont Carly: how many bad decisions can i make before berlin tho Ali: nah, you're just too nice for your own good Ali: you know he don't deserve it but people have made the same (wrong) judgment on you so you can't do it back Ali: to anyone Ali: even genuinely shitty people, or people who'd be better off for the nudge of nah Carly: now whos dropping the wisdom Carly: ill just screenshot those few sentences for my ma when she's on at me Carly: im a nice person bitch Ali: 💅☕ though Ali: i'll translate it into spanish for her if she's not getting the memo in plain english Carly: ha Carly: she got well excited cuz she thought berlin had a red light district Carly: thought she was gonna get in my bags Carly: one way to stop me fucking drew in the front row but Ali: pretending i didn't hear that last bit ew Ali: moving on Ali: she wanna get in the windows or like? Carly: she did get the sack so probs Carly: or she thinks itll be like magic mike the german dub idk Ali: oh honey Ali: every nights a hen night Ali: 🙄 Carly: imagine if theyd let mas and das on this trip Carly: i couldnt have come Ali: me either Ali: no one needs that Carly: your ma is so scary Carly: but shed put goldie in his place Carly: probs shouldve brought her Carly: keep me behaving Ali: she literally wants to murder him Ali: need a restraining order and more than mr murray and mr latimer to keep her back Carly: ha Carly: love it Carly: cant she break up the happy couple Carly: my da did me & this beautiful traveller lad that took my v Ali: 💔 Ali: is he married now Ali: if we're doing matchmaking Ali: but in answer, she learnt that forbidding something makes it 1000x more likely to happen and in more secretive, intense ways so Ali: I'm soz Ro, really fucked you over on that one Carly: idk my da literally moved them on Carly: threat of getting the law Carly: k but he still wouldnt be into it Carly: i feel bad for her Ali: ugh Ali: so romeo and juliet, baby you must've been so about it 'til he fucked it up that hard Ali: yeah, i know Ali: i'll figure out something Carly: i was only 12 so i did have the mindset Carly: worth it tho Carly: prettiest boy ive ever seen Ali: swizzle on that, goldilocks Carly: everyone wanted to fuck him Carly: the whole site was feeling the love Carly: fun times Ali: like a beatle was living in your back garden Ali: love that Carly: i peaked Carly: all there is now is a golden god who behaves like a idiot boy Ali: i mean, won't take offense 😒 sat right here and all but no 😉 Ali: there's a whole world of dick out there i promise you Ali: some attached to boys who don't behave like one Carly: ha Carly: you know you're my fave Carly: but youre sat next to him so I cant tell it Ali: 💚 Ali: won't even tell you who i lost my v to Ali: too shaming Carly: now you have to Ali: 😬😫 Ali: okay but then i'm going for a piss so i don't have to feel the pity Carly: baby id never feel sorry for you Carly: w my life come on Ali: you might sympathize though 'cos it was ronan Ali: why he got all weird, probs Ali: eurgh repressed memories flooding back in with the shame 😂 Carly: shit Carly: i told drew all first times are bad but wouldnt wish him on you like that Carly: oh ronan Carly: he better not have treated you like he did me Carly: ill fucking kill him like Ali: aw babe Ali: my hero 💪 Ali: you know what he's like but that shit is long in the past with us so meh Carly: im gonna cry Carly: babe thats sad Carly: & now ms woodfield is staring at me k Ali: don't cry silly Ali: is what it is Carly: im crying and planning murder Ali: you went there too, and other various dickheads, so where's my invite to this party? Carly: but youre perfect Carly: and it was your first time Carly: actual tears in the front row Ali: oh babe Ali: i'm coming over Ali: bog roll in hand Carly: youre too good Carly: im so sad Ali: 😇 that's you Carly: all you tho Ali: nu-uh Ali: you you you Carly: i cant argue cuz im blinded by my tears Ali: not the greatest victory I've ever then Ali: but I'll take it if you smile again Carly: waiting for ms woodfield to tell me i need jesus Carly: ill laugh then Ali: okay, i'll try and lead the convo and her like Ali: we got this, woody Carly: nah if you try and lead her anywhere itll only go one way Carly: teachers pet Ali: 😂 Ali: do you reckon she loves that everyone lowkey drools over her 'cos she's the right side of 40 Ali: or is she desperately job hunting like these fucking kids Carly: i can see in her eyes she loves it Carly: she hates me cuz i dont Carly: facts Ali: not 'cos you never do your work, nah 😏 Carly: & im drunk as fuck rn on her watch Ali: i mean Ali: if YOU were doing your job properly darling Ali: mad you beat her to it, they always get plastered on trips Carly: yea Carly: bet shed take nudes in the bathroom if she had someone to send them to Ali: ooh what teacher could she homewreck Ali: school trip always a perfect place to start an affair Carly: Mr O'Brien could get it if you were old Ali: good shout Ali: getting out my bow as we speak Carly: Mr Cork is alright too but he looks like he'd shower after holding hands Carly: weird Ali: I mean Ali: cleanliness is next to godliness Ali: dirty hoe Carly: ha Carly: you kno it Ali: might be a serial killer Ali: but you wouldn't catch nowt off him Carly: dont have to go home if he murders me Carly: scatter me in berlin lad Ali: 😨😭 noooooo Ali: even if i could go neeson and avenge you Carly: dont go neeson off set tho Carly: your boy wouldnt love the racism Ali: don't wanna be that bitch Ali: problematique Carly: enough bitches on this coach Carly: for once not looking at you ms woodfield Carly: we ever getting there? i thought getting wasted would make me less bored not more Ali: and lowkey racists Ali: all comes out the woodworks when you outed, that gay bashing all afresh like Ali: seriously, why couldn't we go on a plane Carly: & overt racists Carly: that cash tho Carly: how would the teachers afford to get wrecked if they blew the budget Carly: gotta blow each other first Ali: ☕ Ali: dickheads Carly: when goldilocks isnt the biggest twat on the coach tho Carly: idk what to do w that Carly: universe trying to make me like him Ali: give him time Ali: sure he'll reclaim his title 💪 Carly: he'd love a crown Carly: or a medal Carly: get crafting Ali: only if I can get biblical Ali: crown of thorns, you mean barbed wire, okay Carly: ha Carly: im tired come & nap w me Ali: okay boo Ali: as far as pillows go 😏 Carly: serious Carly: i dont wanna sleep on my own Carly: hate it Ali: i remember Ali: coming Ali: promise

[itsokaytonottobeokay]

I know nobody cares but I'm going to vent anyways.

It all started summer of 2018, everything started to fall on top of me like a big giant weight.It was the time to go to Warped Tour,but getting my car ready for it to travel 2 hours away was a big hassle.Note: I've been living with my parents to help them financially,they also didn't want me to leave home.I didn't want to leave them my 12 cats as well so I stayed.Back on track my mother and I, had been fighting on weather my car was going to make it or not.Not only that, she didnt want me to leave because my father had been sick,and my aunt was in the hospital. But I had been planning to go to warped tour forever,I already pay for the tickets.So when I left warped tour only because I had cared about my friends well being,not only that I felt as if I should have gone home.But when I got back I found out what my aunt was diagnosed with,the reason why they do not tell me until I got back,was because it was cancer.Therefore she didnt have much time to live,so as I waited everyday I started painting my room(https://youtu.be/gZmTxMSS22oen) then I reranged it.But then my father was having complications,so the next morning we took him to the doctors.That's when we found out he was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer.It was a devastated moment,as we went back to the house to grab his clothes,my father was on his way to a farther hospital.I decided to stay home I had a feeling in my gut that I needed to be home,and that's when I got a call.So my aunt picked me up then took me to go so my aunt,she was not doing so good.Right when the visit was over I had gotten a voice message from my friend,and it was just a fucking disaster.I rather just leave it at that who knows she can be stalking me right now,and will start drama again.But she didnt understand what it had been like going through all that shit nor did she respect it,I'll leave it at that.My mother was let go from work to take care of my father, I was working to pay for the bills in this time.As time went by one day my dad was in so much pain he couldnt stand it.Hospice called the ambulance,got him in there and left as my boyfriend and I followed behind them.When we got there,my mother had told me that he had lost his sight on the way there.It was 12:10 am, I'm telling my boyfriend that I can't work tomorrow so I need you to go in for me.So he left we all had been crying waiting for father to pass on,but he kept holding until 1:18 came around.He finally took his last breath,so we got up(my mother and I) kissed him goodbye,and we drove home.My Aunt passed away in August and my Father passed away in September.

I had a week leave off from work,I had people around me telling me I should have been paid for my leave.I went back to work I was still emotionally unstable,and my boyfriend kept hurting me emotionally. He thought I was taking everything out on him,but honestly he kept on telling me I had no reason to be upset.I had no reason to cry,and my friendship was coming to an end with the one I went to Warped Tour with.It made me more sadder to end it but she wanted me to be there for her when I could not,I had ALOT going on.So this kept going on for almost about a month but during that month,We Came As Romans put out they're doing shows to help raise money for Kyle Pavone's family. I donated with what I could supply,and I bought tickets.However my back was damaged from work, it was so bad I had to wear a whole back of lidocane patches,and we left to go to the concert(me,my mom,and her friend).We made it to our hotel.Then we had dinner at IHOP afterwards the time came to go.We stayed there donated more money,and bought more merch, said our condolences then left.

On our way home.

My mom got a puppy when I told her I didn't want it, because I knew I would have to raise it and take care of it.I took her puppy to work with me because I worked at a animal sanctuary,they said I could bring her there,and that they had room.

Weeks later? Can't remember clearly

My new coworker that was there for I think a month got fired,but was told she can stay until she finds a new job.I had pulled a muscle during my day's off which were Sunday and Monday,the worker just up and left.She left because she was not getting enough hours anyways,she found no point in staying there any longer.I know when she left I couldn't stay there any longer either, because they would want me to stay late.But I had pulled that muscle,not to mention the next day would be vet day where someone would have to stay late.So I freaked out,took everything I had there,hopped in my car.My boyfriend parked behind me, and my boss was coming as I quickly got out of there I hit the dumpster with my car.

Week later

It was Friday, that was the time we got our pay checks I sent my boss a message saying I was coming at 10:00 am to pick it up.So I showed up at 10:00 me,and my boyfriend got into a fight again so I broke up with him.I got back in my car I tried to call her my phone said she was blocked, I forgotten that I had blocked her.I take it off block to call her again,she picks up to say to pick it up at 5:00pm.So I drive home ,then my car starts acting up I drove it home as slow as possible.

I forgot to mention a week before I quit I had my dad memorial at my house,it was a fucking disaster thats all I would like to say about it.But we got Dad's death benefits check for $30,000.

So i picked up my check it said 9 hours on there when I had 17 I didn't bother though,and I cashed it.That day was so bad I drank,and got drunk.Everybody was just upsetting me when my father was sick, friends were redoing our kitchen ceiling,and well it got shitty.Me,and my boyfriend got into a fight so cried to my mom,and her friends, then one of her friends just talked about herself so I told her to shut the fuck up and stop being selfish.But it had been a rough experience until now (where we are right now in the story).So time goes by I'm without a car and a job my distant relative married to my cousin I add,but he's been coming over to "hang out" recently.It gave me a shitty vibe so one morning I hear my mom moaning,and I find out she's fucking my cousin's husband.She tried to come in to talk to me,I pretended I was sleeping until she tried to walk over to my bed to put her hands on me to wake me.I told her "Get the fuck out you're absolutely disgusting how can you do this when dad had only been gone for two months".

The paragraph after this, if you're triggered by self harm PLEASE DO NOT READ IT SKIP It, I DO NOT wish that for anybody.

The whole day I cried,and cried again,and again.I relapsed so hard,I cut myself over and over again.I had been clean from self harm for 7 years but this put me off the deep end.I also put my phone on airplane mode,i just could not handle social media at that moment.But I had been keeping tabs on my exboyfriend for days,through my friends because I was worried about him getting in the habit of drinking,and driving after we broke up.But that night when my mother started to cry over my dad being gone with her friend,as they were getting drunk.I realized that I always lived lying to myself,using my mom as an excuse to live.So I called my exboyfriend up said"I was sorry" and hung up, he contacted my friends to see If I was okay. Then he contacted my mother he didn't know he did wrong but after he did that,she came in my room got on top of me, held me down then was shaking me while saying "what's wrong, why don't you tell me anything" I told her.She said that if my ex boyfriend comes over she will make sure he does not come in,I screamed at her and said "he's done more for me then you ever will".Of course he came over we made up, he made sure I was okay, I had a lot of head pain for he gave me a full oxy.The biggest mistake is I didnt eat that day so the next day I had therapy,but I was puking, I felt like absolute complete shit.I just wanted to see my therapist that day,my mother gave me the excuse that just meant she didn't want to take me because she was a hung over piece of shit.So I end it up not going.

So over time everything got worse she left her dog at the house for me to take care of,while she went off every night to fuck my dad's friend.But of course I didn't find out until she started moving out,she left me the house but would not put it in my name no matter how much I begged.Before all this we were looking for a trailer to put in to replace this old falling down trash trailer, well that didn't happen.She kept buying things for her new boyfriend and new daughter as she did that she either spent the $30,000 herself, or someone got a hold of our information.She left me with all the bills overdue,she over drafted my bank account $200,and she spent my $3,000 I saved for a new car.My boyfriend started to live with me to help pay for things,I started cleaning the place up to look decent.Its been almost two months since my cars been broken down,ive begged her to fix I so I can get a job to pay for all this shit she left me.So because my boyfriend and I cannot afford it were moving out,to me its been real fucking awful.I've been so depressed I'm drowning in it,so has my boyfriend however I've been a shitty girlfriend. But he hasn't been that great either yet his family is the reason why I can get a apartment,and bring all my 12 cats with me.I'm grateful like beyond but leaving a place ive been living my whole life is tough, especially when my dad and I had been working to fix it.My boyfriend and his fmaily have been trying so hard to help me, I just feel uncomfortable accepting food because they've done so much for me as is.I told my boyfriend we should have stayed broken up so he didnt he have to deal with my bullshit,because I didnt want him to be stressed.But I fucked up by saying that but when I tried last night to confine in him about a post my mom made,he said he didnt care and to block her.He does not understand I cannot yet, I also dont want drama I have enough already on my plate.I told him he hurt me by saying he did not care about my feelings,and that all I wanted ever was someone to give a shit about me.Man its so tough,I won't be getting my taxes back either because of my college loan.I trusted her by giving her the money to pay it,I guess I was wrong. She says she paid it so she contacted the people who did my taxes.So I don't think my car will be getting fixed and my fucking cat is meowing so much because he's horny and just wants to fuck some bitches.But theres not bitches for him to fuck.That's another thing though cat food my boyfriend won't buy it so I have to sell stuff just to buy cat food.I'm not excited about moving out because it will be super sad for me because of memories you know? It just hard.My boyfriend hasn't talked to me sense last night because I said something shitty things but his thing is he avoids shit.I've thought about taking a fucking hike right before he comes home(if he does) just so I don't have to see him.I truly need a break man I'm trying so hard not to be suicidal,I just want to be happy,to have a better life,and to escape all this shit.I know I've been truly selfish against my boyfriend,not thinking about him feelings.But he doesn't know how to apologize and he hurt me when I'm already hurt.He keeps fucking up to in the kind of ways I need him as emotional support not as physical or financially. But I feel like I'm asking for to much.My friends have been distant as well i only ask them to hang out with me or to play game with me,but i cant get that even though they say "im sorry i dont know how to be there for you if there is something i can do please let me know".Well its simple be a friend thats all.Thank you for reading this I hope you're okay too,I hope I did not trigger you,I'm sorry this time around I cant say I hope you have a nice day just because I feel like complete shit.I have no motivation or will in me to be there for people that's why I just make YouTube videos.I try to use it to escape,have fun,and be okay if they can do the same for you I'm happy I can help somebody.

My YouTube:https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCTtIzAObiIH040IJf46te9w

Again Thanks for reading.

[crushingonrazz]

Roommate Bros One-Shot

Rating: Mature

UL!Sans & UF!Papyrus (also background Magenta)

W: sex addiction and loneliness/depression

Roommate Bros is a fic that I co-wrote with the amazing @queenofbiscuits​ over on Ao3! It was an amazing project that we both had a ton of fun working on! I don’t feel comfortable posting up the whole thing, since I wasn’t the only one that wrote it, but I would still love it if you guys would go check it out in full!

Below the cut, I’ve added my personal favorite chapter from RB, a one-shot that I wrote to delve into Lust’s character so I think it’s okay? (Fresh if you don’t want this on mine let me know, I can take it down). Consider it a teaser trailer for if you click that link up there lol. This won’t be the only RB thing I ever post since there’s a chapter in COSOS as well, but I just wanted to post this! Enjoy!

The first time Lust met one of his alternates, he got slapped across the face.

Looking back, it wasn't particularly surprising, but at the time, he remembered being extremely confused. He had found himself, along with his brother, tossed through the void and into a world where the native version of himself wore a comfortable blue hoodie and made a habit of leaning against the nearest wall in a tired sort of way that automatically made Lust offer to help him fall asleep. Comic, as he was later dubbed, had gawked at him for a long moment, then reached out and delivered a stinging smack that left Lust reeling with the unexpectedness of it. He'd just been being nice, and it wasn't like he wasn't always down to help if it included that.

Before too long, though, he was educated, through a few more slaps and a lot of yelling on the part of the SwapFell brothers. This world, and the majority of the worlds in the multiverse, didn’t exactly have the same views on sex as his world did.

Lust wasn't sure exactly what caused it, but he remembered the moment when it finally clicked for him that his access to the activity would be much decreased. His panic attack had come seemingly out of nowhere, and his brother had been extremely concerned. The soft turtleneck sweater Pink had been wearing seemed to grate against Lust’s bones, seeming to mock him with the modesty of it, and it just drove him further into his own mind.

He needed sex. Sex was...His method of coping. He would get lost inside himself, hating the world and his place in it, unable to function unless he'd been fucked until he couldn't think any more.

He didn't know why all of the others seemed to think they were so much better than he was. He'd been drinking with Comic, and he was pretty sure that there was nothing sadder than when he got going. He'd seen Red work his way through eight packs of cigarettes in a single afternoon, and even if Blue was too naive to realize that Italian seasoning wasn't usually kept in plastic bags, everyone else knew what Stretch got up to when his mind got the best of him.

So where the fuck did they get off judging him for his coping mechanisms? At least he could remember what he'd done the next morning.

Even once they got to the surface, things barely got easier. There were more people, sure, but sex with humans didn't feel nearly as satisfying as it did with other monsters. There was a lack of connection, almost no involvement of souls. It distracted him and fulfilled his need for physical affection, sure, but it just didn't...fill him. At least...not in the way he’d grown to crave so desperately.

Even as the empty hole inside him grew deeper, his brother seemed to get happier and happier. He’d never had the same problems as Lust, his had been a different kind of loneliness. Before too long, he found himself showered in kisses and affection and attention without needing to use his usual methods, courtesy of Lust’s alternate from UnderFell.

Things really seemed to reach their lowest point when the two announced their engagement. Lust was happy for his brother, he really was! In fact, he was ecstatic!

Right up until he realized that this meant he would be left to live alone in his house.

The thought terrified him. The house, which had previously felt almost too small for his normal tastes, now seemed infinitely too big and empty, what with Pink having left to live in the Fell brothers’ home until such a time as the two could find their own space. He dreaded the wedding, having to resist begging his brother to not leave him so permanently or to not get married. But the day came, and Lust found himself going through the motions of congratulations almost as though he was watching it all through someone else’s eyes, holding back tears and the urge to go find someone to lose himself in.

“You seem absolutely overjoyed to be here.”

The voice was unexpected, and Lust jolted suddenly, glancing up at the speaker. The wedding was over, but they were in the midst of the reception, and Lust had found a table in the back to sit and pretend this wasn't happening, to pretend that he wouldn’t have to go back to an empty house at the end of the night and know for a fact that his brother was never coming back.

Red's brother stood in front of him. They'd spoken a few times before, settling details and setting up dates for different meetings and events. As their brothers’ best men, they'd been forced to interact many times, actually, despite the other's apparent distaste for him. Lust couldnt understand why the other seemed to take such great delight in being an asshole, he got on with Pink almost too well.

When Lust didn't respond, Fell continued, sitting at the table and propping his feet up on the chair that stood between them. “Seriously, if I didn't know any better, I’d think you were at a funeral.”

Lust grimaced at him and sipped at his drink, electing not to respond. The other rolled his eyes and joined him in his silence. Despite the almost prickly air that surrounded him, Lust found himself relaxing slightly. He'd been craving the proximity of another monster but none of these assholes seemed to be willing to get within ten feet of him, as though they were afraid he'd try to fuck them right there in the middle of his brother's wedding.

Screw them. He'd have at least been polite enough to meet them in the bathroom. He wasn't a fucking animal.

There was an uncomfortable silence between them, broken only by the laughter of the other partygoers, before Fell spoke again. “May I be honest with you for a moment?”

Lust spared him a withering look, then nodded slightly. Why the fuck not.

“I share the sentiment.”

Lust turned to look at him fully, surprised. Fell had seemed almost as invested in this wedding as their brothers.

Fell saw the look and shrugged. “Don't get me wrong, I approve the union. I don't think I've ever seen Red as happy as he is when he's with your brother. Pink...allows him to be more open with himself. And with me.” He paused for a long moment, picking at his sleeves and looking away. “But there is something lonely about having your brother be so completely tied to another person when it's only been the two of us for so long.”

Lust studied him carefully. Fell had hit on a large portion of his own problem, an immense percentage of the reason Lust was finding himself to be so incredibly...unwilling to let his brother go.

“You aren't even alone,” Lust found himself saying before he could really think about it. “You still have Red. Pink...he left me.” He decided to blame the drink and the exhaustion and the overwhelming emotions for his honesty, waiting for the other’s answer.

Fell snorted. “Do you truly think that my brother is any more present in my life than he is in yours?”

Fair enough. Pink and Red did tend to be a bit...involved in one another.

Lust felt his mouth moving, and words coming out of their own accord before he could stop them. “Do you get sorta lonely sometimes?”

Fell snorted slightly, but he looked thoughtful. “Yes, I do. But so do most people.”

Lust shook his head. “That’s not what I mean. It’s more...do you ever feel like you need to be around people? Like if you don’t, you’ll fall apart?” His voice broke on the last word, and he withdrew from the other slightly, his cheeks flushing in shame at letting the other see such a hidden part of him.

Fell turned and met his eyes. Lust was prepared for judgement, for the other to burst into laughter and call him a whore, but he received none of it. Instead, Fell just shook his head. “No...I have quite the opposite problem, actually. I get too much of people, and I want them to leave me alone. There are very few people I can stand to exchange more than a couple of words with.”

“Our brothers?”

Fell nodded, then shrugged. “And you, I suppose, though you are…” he smirked slightly, and Lust raised one brow in response. “...irritating, at times. There is no need to be offended, however. Most people tend to be.”

Lust just rolled his eyes, but there was a smile playing around the corners of his mouth. He sipped at his drink, rolling the liquid around in his mouth for a moment as an idea occurred to him.

Fell made to stand up, and Lust’s eyes snapped up before he suddenly reached out and grabbed onto his wrist, surprised by the panic that was accompanying the thought of seeing him go.

“Hang on, just...wait a second. I have a question.”

Fell sighed heavily and sat back down, looking at him questioningly.

Lust took a deep breath, and plowed on, pushing down the thoughts that he was being an idiot, of course the other wasn’t going to say yes.

“Do you think you could stand me enough to live with me? Because I have an extra room in my house now and I wouldn’t keep you awake at all hours having loud sex.” He winked. "At least, not most nights."

Fell laughed slightly, then seemed to realize that Lust was serious, and sobered. “Wait, really? You want to live with me? You must be more lonely than I thought.”

Lust shrugged, not about to argue with that.

Fell regarded him silently for a moment, then nodded thoughtfully for a moment. “Yeah, okay. At this point anything would be better than whatever these idiots’ honeymoon is going to entail.” He looked down slightly, then back up at Lust’s face. “You have my contact details, correct? Call me tomorrow morning sometime and we can discuss this further.” And with that, he stood up and walked away, leaving Lust to sit alone at the table.

It was only after he got into his car to go home that Lust realized that his parting congratulations to the happy couple had been more sincere than any he had given them before.

Want More Stuff Like This?

[saintkimora]

ok, here is a full account of what happened yesterday and the new events from today. caleb if you are seeing this please respect my privacy and stop reading now 

ok so it started the other day. caleb texted me at night saying he wanted to talk to me about something serious the next day. i asked what it was about and he said he just wanted to be friends but i didnt read too much into it bc he is impulsive so i figured he would come to his senses the next day

so then yesterday happened. i had just gotten out of sociology at like 10:40am and i saw that he had texted me all these things about breaking up. then when i got to my car he called me on the phone. he then proceeded to break up with me over the phone. his reasoning was that since hes prob moving in a few weeks, he wanted to stop being boyfriends now that way when he does leave itll hurt less than it would, so like easing himself out of the relationship basically. i think its a stupid idea 

so these are the issues i had. the first was that he broke up with me over the phone, not even in person. and like i was crying over the phone and his tone was just like very cold and detached and business like and that really hurt me bc he obv knew i was crying but i didnt feel any sympathy from him whatsoever. like if he was crying i would obv be comforting him and trying to make him feel better not talking like a robot. another thing that hurt was that he gave up on the long distance relationship before we could even try it. it made me feel like i was so worthless and unimportant that he didnt even feel like putting forth the effort to make our relationship work. and the fact that he did this all over a 10 minute phone call on his way to the gym. and then like 20 min after he had the NERVE to post a video on his snap story of him at the gym saying “feeling so good *blushing smile emoji*” like that really hurt my feelings and when i told him that later he was like “oh stop making everything about you it was just how i was feeling after working out” but like? i know he obv wasnt saying that he felt so good about breaking up. but what bothered me was that like after he broke up w me, i was a mess i was literally crying all day and i couldnt do anything but cry i was so upset. and then here he is just going on with his day like its another normal tuesday. like the fact that he was capable of being so happy not even a few hours after breaking my heart made me feel like i was nothing, like it was just an errand like “oh im gonna break up with perry then go to the gym lol” and the fact that he did it over the phone just made me feel so insignificant like i was nothing to him and that really hurt. and like ive tried to be the best boyfriend i can be for him and i try to do everything he asks of me so for him to just break up with me in such a dismissive way makes it feel like he doesnt even care

so i was crying in my car, like really bad like i was BAWLING. so i went to the student counseling center and asked for a crisis meeting and i got set up w this counselor named josh. he was nice and tried to help me calm down and focus on orgo. it was nice to have someone to talk to i guess

so then i went home. he called me again to like try to explain himself but only made me feel worse. he was like “you know when i move im not gonna be able to see you everyday and cuddle with you and fall asleep on your chest anymore” and that just made me sadder and i was crying again on the phone. then later we were texting and he was like denying breaking up with me. like, you said you wanted to just be friends and you explicitly said that you didnt want to be boyfriends anymore so how is that not breaking up??? and he said “i was trying to have a conversation with you but all you did was cry.” with the period to show how serious he was. and it really hurt me when he said that bc it felt like he was mad at me and using me crying against me, like i somehow did something wrong by crying. again if he was the one crying i would not be holding it against him like that so i really wish he didnt say that bc it made me feel bad for being emotional which should not be something to feel bad about. and at the end of the call he didnt say i love you like he always does so that hurt my feelings as well

and like i took away the hearts from his contact name and changed my phone backgrounds since they were pictures of him and that just made me really sad

i skipped psych and anatomy lecture but i couldnt skip my anatomy practical. i cried when i was backing up my car to leave bc i saw the “hi <3″ that he wrote in the dirt on my back windshield a while ago and it just set me off. so i got to school and i was planning on having this be the dropped grade so i wasnt like worried but i got a 90 anyways so that was nice. the prof was like “perry whats wrong you look depressed” and i was like im just a little sad today and he was like why and i was like “bc my significant other broke up w me” (i used s/o bc idk how my prof is about those things so i didnt wanna say bf). he told me this story about how in his senior year of college he had such bad mono it was misdiagnosed as hodgkins disease so he was given 18 months to live and his gf of 4 years left him after finding out. so he told me “perry, girls are like a bus. if you miss one, another one will come along in 15 minutes. if i had daughters i would tell them the same thing about guys” so that was nice that he tried to cheer me up. then when i was leaving from the other room (bc we leave our stuff in the other room during the practical) the TA came to me from the main room and wished me luck on my finals so that was nice of him 

so then i went home. then at 10pm i met w caleb in person in his car. we talked and at first he would not let me get a word in and he just kept defending himself and what also upset me was that he thought the reason i was so upset was that he was moving and he was so defensive like “i wish i could stay here but i have no choice i cant afford to live here its too expensive” and like that is not what upset me!!! i already knew he was moving ive had time to accept it what upset me was how he broke up w me for no reason w almost no warning and did it in such a cold way. and like the way i see it is since hes leaving instead of easing ourselves out of the relationship to stop us from getting hurt when he actually leaves (which wont happen bc itll hurt regardless), i figured we should make the most of our time together and enjoy each other as much as possible since we’ll have plenty of time to get over each other AFTER he moves. so when i told him my point of view he was like “i wish i thought of it like that, im really bad at this” so that was how i resolved the issue. he was hesitant about keeping the bf label but i told im i really wanted to and i didnt see a point in taking away the label now anyways. i also told him i at least wanted to try long distance instead of giving up before it even happens. i dont remember what he said to it though lol i was too emotional. but yeah the beginning of the convo just felt like he was berating me and i started to cry again bc i dont like it when hes rude to me like that

then he told me that im so sensitive i could see a squirrel in the road and cry and i had to explain to him that i am not a sensitive and emotional person! im normally v reserved w my emotions like ive only cried maybe 3 times the past 8 years and that im just emotional when it comes to him bc i care about him so much

another thing that bothered me was that he said every relationship teaches a lesson, and from ours he learned not to rush into things. i dont get that bc yes we did rush but that wasnt really a bad thing? like he wouldve moved regardless so taking things slow wouldnt have changed that. and like since we rushed into things it will hurt more when he leaves since we are closer than we would be if we took it slow but also like, if we didnt rush we wouldnt have gotten so close and had so much fun together in the first place. so imo the benefits of getting so close so fast vastly outweighed the pain of him leaving

so everything would be great except for this next part. he told me the easing out of the relationship thing was bc he got the advice to do that from his mom and leeann. so when i got home i made a post calling leeann toxic and his mom stupid for interfering in our relationship. and like yall can tell that obv i was kidding and just exaggerating for humorous effect like i dont really think his mom is stupid or that leeann was toxic, just that their advice in the situation was bad. but caleb texted me this morning being so rude calling me disgustingly disrespectful for saying that and he said that “next time you think about doing this remember how it felt when i dumped you (so he admitted that he did dump me) - and get those tissues ready” (since ive been using a lot of tissues since i was crying so much). that really really hurt my feelings bc 1. he is once again using me crying against me and 2. it shows a total lack of sympathy for me crying, like it felt like hell yesterday i was so upset and he knows that so for him to threaten to put me through that again just shows he doesnt really care about me or my feelings. 

he also said i need to stop using him and leeann and his mom as “characters in your online stories” like...these arent online stories? this blog is where i vent and talk about my feelings since i dont have anyone to do that with irl and i need to get them out somewhere im not writing these posts to be mean it just feels good to put my thoughts into words instead of bottling them up and even my therapist thinks its a good thing for me to do  

so he said that but i was NOT having it. i typed up a long text in response and even i admit it was kinda mean. like in his he said “dont even talk to me for the rest of the day” so at the end of my text i said “dont talk to me ever i am perfectly fine w never talking to you again the rest of my life so bye have fun in new hampshire or whatever” and he was like “perry stop you dont mean that last part” and then he called me and once again got defensive he said he was just trying to have a convo w me and i was being aggressive for no reason. like, no??? a convo would have been texting me like “perry i know its your personal blog where you post your feelings but this post upset me and this is why” not coming at me with 4 super rude texts out of nowhere. so he was trying to play the victim and paint me as irrational and that im overreacting just like he did yesterday and i didnt like it! he was just dismissing my feelings again. so i went OFF in this phone call like wow i really snapped and it felt good tbh

like i think he was just expecting me to sit there and take it and apologize like i usually do when he gets like this but i am done doing that! so i think he was caught off guard that i stood up for myself. i was like caleb i really dont care i have the most important orgo test of the semester today you already took yesterday from me but today i am not entertaining it if you have an issue call me after my test” and i ended the convo and hung up and then he texted me “good luck on your test” like ok hi king of passive aggressiveness 

so thats it. i felt good at first but later on i felt bad so i texted him apologizing for snapping at him but i said i wont discuss the tumblr issue until we are in person. i asked if he was free tonight and he said no he wants a day or two to be separate and normally i would understand but like...hes moving in a few weeks i really dont want to waste time fighting and being in this weird place

not to be out of order but another thing that got on my nerves was when we made up last night. he said “once i move youll have more free time for things like school, work, maybe going to the gym” like once again here he is commenting on my appearance! like yes i know im scrawny and i wish i wasnt but im sick of him taking jabs at my looks like my body, acne, and eyebrows when i literally have NOTHING but nice things to say about how he looks. it makes me feel bad when he points out my flaws like that and a good boyfriend is not supposed to make me feel like that

now for the most recent development. leeann sent me this LONG fb message bc caleb told her what i posted about her. like why does he have to expose me like that! i didnt read the message i was like “yeah im not reading this but just so you know i was kidding i wasnt serious i was exaggerating lol” and she was like ok lol 

i just dont know why she thinks i care about her input on MY relationship? like youre calebs friend not mine to be frank i dont give a fuck what you think about whats best for my relationship like you dont know me so mind your business

and thats another thing. in the past caleb has gotten pissed at me for sharing our business too much (by telling my friends (who he will literally never meet since they all went away for school) and by posting on here) yet here he goes telling leeann everything! seems hypocritical to me

and heres a second thing. i have always told caleb that my blog is my personal space where i can safely vent and talk about my feelings and that he should respect my privacy by not reading my personal posts. and ive told him that if he does wanna read them then hes doing so at his own risk bc im not going to filter myself bc this is MY space not his so if he really wants to overstep his boundaries and look at my posts then he cant get mad at me for them bc HE is the one choosing to read them even after my warning! so i dont think he should be getting mad at me especially when i was in such an extreme state of mind yesterday since he put me through the worst day of my life for no reason which literally couldve been 100% avoided if he had just waited to talk to me in person instead of breaking up w me over the phone. and like now i feel like this isnt even a space place for me to express myself anymore since theres a chance of him seeing. and i tried blocking him before but he made a new blog and wont tell me the url so i cant block him smh

so yeah thats everything that happened. im kinda stressed rn w this whole leeann drama even though he shouldnt have been reading my posts in the first place. like its just so much drama and i dont like how it feels and idk why this relationship turned sour so fast and i wish he would just be nice and sweet to me again. so hopefully things get better 

[pulsingvoid]

8, 18, 24, 40, 42 and 71 for the movie buff thing. Sorry if it's a lot and Sorry about your ankle I hope you feel better soon~!

‘sorry if its a lot’ Are You Kidding Me Send Me More. and thanks!! im in a lot of pain!! but its fine!! anyway here i go, this got long and rambly, as is my nature,,

8. What movie are you looking forward to coming out the most?GRASSHOPPER JUNGLE dir. edgar wright even though it’s not even in pre-production yet as far as i know. also, since yesterday, LADY MACBETH which is coming out in the u.s. next month. oh and!! Atomic Blonde, Black Panther, A Wrinkle In Time, the Lupita/Rihanna movie…. so much potentially amazing cinema i cant wait

18. Favorite movie heroine? i think my all-time fave might be Rachel Weisz’s character in The Brothers Bloom. she’s just so enthusiastic and eccentric and yet Absolutely Not the dream girl sterotype at all, yknow? i love her. another more recent fave is Diane Lane’s character from Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fabulous Stains because she was so Harsh and did not waver for a second even though so many people (read: men) tried to discourage her from her goals or tried to tell her how she should live her life. i wish i’d seen that movie when i was a teen–it would have changed my entire life.

24. Movie that makes you cry every time?BIG HERO 6. literally. every. time. i’ve seen way sadder films but nothing tugs at my heartstrings the way that movie does for some reason

40. Directors you’d like to see work together?i thought abt this for a solid 10 minutes and couldnt come up with anything but then i remembered that my dream director duo is already a reality and its THE DANIELS (SWISS ARMY MAN) + THE RUSSOS (CA:TWS) and im p sure the russos are just producers but HEY IT COUNTS AND IT WILL BE AMAZING 

42. Films you wanted to watch, but never got around to watching?MOOD INDIGO, i have it on my hard drive but my mom told me it was super sad so now i’m scared. it’s michel gondry though so i’m inevitably gonna bite the bullet. THE COLOR PURPLE, also bc sadness. LAURENCE ANYWAYS bc i keep falling asleep? i always play it way late in the night idk something abt xavier dolan’s movies makes them a 3am #mood for me. theres pleeeeeenty more but these are the ones that plague my waking thoughts nowadays

71. A movie that made you ache for love.this doesnt specify what kind of love and im glad bc while i do actually enjoy the romantic plotlines of some movies i dont think a single one of them has ever made me Ache or Yearn. i do catch myself Yearning for a life full of laughter and friendship and made families and creativity; the sense of belonging, the Something More™. you know like in… THE GET DOWN (this scene in particular) :( and SENSE8 :(:( and B99 and TRC and i am very aware none of them are films but its not my fault movies abt friendship never cater to my interests. there’s specific bits in some movies like the funeral scene in Big Fish or some parts of August Rush and Across The Universe and Pride and Rent, or!!! that scene at the end of GoTG when Groot tears himself apart to protect the team and its so. beautiful, but also sad. oh and the Star Trek reboots, though flawed, give me similar ‘made family’ feelings and i cry everytim PLUS they have that Something More™ aspect bc duh, space exploration. but sadly i find most films abt friendship too boy-oriented either bc its a story about boyhood and has a tonne of male characters, or it has a Token Girl or two but its still too male-heavy, or bc its about women that are obsessed with their heterosexual love prospects, so i find it hard to relate to… all of that.

uhh consider this a plea for movie recs actually im kinda desperate for something to fill some gaping sense8/tgd/trc/b99-shaped holes in my heart bc, as you probably already know, 2 of them are cancelled, one is relatively over, and the other one is on a 5 month-long hiatus :-(

[tumblunni]

OH MAN Why Am I Dead At Sea is SO FUCKIN GOOD

god I’m full of FEEEELS and THEORIES and GAHHHH I cant talk about ANYTHING about this game without spoiling stuff!! So I’m gonna make a spoilery ramble post woo! I havent actually finished it yet so this is spoils for like... up to the very last bit before the start of the final chapter. And I’ll try and talk about stuff in order so like, if you dont mind seeing a few spoils then you can read halfway thru i guess?? I just really wanna be able to reccommend this game and gush about characters without having to talk spoils!! GAHHH!!

ANYWAY U CAN BUY IT HERE Its really cheap and really worth it! Its even on sale right now so its £1.50 instead of £3! DOUBLE CHEAP!! But absolutely remember to backup your savefiles frequently, there’s a pathfinding glitch that can make the game unwinnable. And its a damn shame cos that nearly made me stop playing before I got to any of the good bits! Its easy to avoid once you know about it, at least.

Man, I’m so sad the gameplay has that one big glitch cos its really cool aside from that?? Its super basic and probably not everyone’s cup of tea though, this is a game that you’d only enjoy if you’re the sort of people who like when a game has like.. a codex of extra info you can collect.  There’s not as much ‘control people to affect the world’ as you’d expect, its 99% controlling people to unlock different dialogue options. All word puzzles and stuff! And the easiest way to get out of being stuck is just to methodically possess everyone you havent possessed yet, and talk to everyone and click on everything using them. I can imagine that’d be frustrating for people who like.. weren’t already doing that anyway. I Wanted to do that instantly cos I wanna find all the optional insights into everyone’s character! And some funny moments and sweetheart moments and AAAA I care about these people too much already... Oh, and its even more reason to love Paulo cos he gives you tips if you chat to him, and can even outright tell you the solution if you get really stuck. So for players who dont like being all completionist on the dialogue, he’s a very useful helper! I just wish that the ‘outright give you the solution’ option was better labelled so you dont click it by accident. Its just ‘tell me more’, I didnt know itd ruin the current puzzle for me :P

And MAAAAAN this game gets really trancey and atmospheric and I cant even really explain why?? You spend the whole game within this one small area but stuff gets opened up over time and things are revealed about seemingly innocent areas when you gain the new abilities of different people you possess. And how the player character is just this ethereal floaty flame, and how you get used to all the rules of how it works, and how neat the lil animations are. And how you start memorizing the place and all the details about everyone and getting REALLY DETERMINED to protect them GAHHH And the soundtrack is REALLY GOOD

PAULO IS MY SMALL SON PLEASE TELL ME I CAN PROTECT HIM FOREVER tiny necromancer boy aaaaaa he’s so lonely aaaaa he’s on this ship cos he has to ride it all the time on his own to get back from boarding school, his parents cant be bothered to pick him up and he’s just SO YOUNGGGG aaaa he’s like a child prodigy, he’s going to this big scary boarding school several grades above him and his parents are so distant and everyone thinks he can just handle everything because he’s smart and on top of all that he has to keep the secret that he can see ghosts, and theyre like his ONLY FRIENDS even though he only gets to talk to them for a little while before they pass on. YET HE STILL KEEPS HELPING THEM! He says all ‘oh im only summoning you for selfish reasons, I want you to save everyone else on the ship’ but he still helps you resolve your own death even when he knows it means he’ll never see you again. He has to mourn his best friend every damn time he makes one! Aside from that all he has is his teddy bear, showing just how young he really is and how much he FUCKING NEEDS GOOD PARENTS no matter how damn smart the poor kid is and AAAAA... And when you start getting clues about who you maybe are, it gets even sadder cos he’s like... “I didnt know her well but... I liked her. She helped me with my geometry homework.” God he had just ONE MOMENT of incredibly ordinary minimal friendship with this lady and then as soon as he’d got his hopes up THIS SHIT HAD TO HAPPEN! No wonder he locked his door for the entire cruise and refused to be near anyone except his new ghost friend. And gahhh he must have had his suspicions from the start about who it was that died, as soon as she didn’t come back to help with his homework. From his perspective this was just like an inevitable conclusion and he was begging you to find any other answer...

MORE SPOILERY SPOILER I was so fucking terrified when his door finally opened, and all you see inside is empty space. I mean it was a punch to the gut indeed that someone else died that we only really just met, but I’m WAY more terrified that the main sidekick for the whole game is potentially gonna die! He’s just vanished though, so I’m hoping that whether you save him or not is what determines the bad endings? So it IS possible to save him right?? SPOILER ENDDDDDDD

I’m still really confused how to feel about Xu though. I mean she’s such a huge jerk but I still cant help but feel sympathy for her?? And I feel like.. if I am supposed to hate her then its kinda annoying that the game brings up all these sympathetic concepts just to sorta discard them, they only exist to be her failed excuses for her actions. I dunno, its just sorta messed up. But it also means that if I AM supposed to agree with her actions then its messed up too?? And either way its frustrating cos she’s the only chinese character in the cast and her plot is so... gah. She’s this jerkass to everybody and she steals from the customers and then her excuse is ‘but I’m so poor and I’m a minority, how dare you yell at me for stealing’ and then she NEVER GIVES THE STUFF BACK and you never have any option to tell anyone?? And its so messed up cos like.. Anton actually IS a privilaged guy and I can see why she’d be mad that he’s in this job because he ‘wants to travel’ whereas she has to take it because she’s literally homeless. I mean if they actually discussed that then it’d be a good plot. And its a shame you cant bring up the secrets you find about Anton even when you get full possession of him, you find out he also had a meltdown and flunked out of college cos he just couldnt handle it, they could have been able to bond over that and realise they were both having misconceptions about each other’s motives for things. Like, she saw him as some guy who just chose to drop out of the education she wishes she could go back to, because he’s soooo rich and he can do whatever he wants. And he’d never considered how good he’s got it, and how other people are denied the same opportunities, and how he can use his privilage to help make the world fairer for these other people! Its just.. like.. you dont even find out that Anton IS rich until AFTER the conversation about Xu stealing his stuff, so it comes out of nowhere and feels like the game is saying privilage is a stupid concept thats not real and its being used as an excuse for her to be horrid. Either that or its on Xu’s side and its saying shoplifting is fine as long as you steal from white people?? And like.. Anton didnt do ANYTHING to make it seem like he deserved it, as far as we see. He’s never even rude to her?? He doesnt seem to do anything racist or classist. Its just like she assumes he;s that way because he’s a rich white guy but the game shows him to be Super Innocent so is it saying that everyone who ever accuses anyone of racism is always lying or.. gahhh?? It just feels like its trying to make a statement but I have no clue what it is! And this is the only time racism is ever discussed so it kinda stands out?? Also.. like.. NOBODY ever discusses the name issue?? Its really confusing, cos even her steam trading card calls her ‘Xu/Sue’. Ingame EVERYONE calls her Sue except herself and the interface. But its never drawn attention to, or explained?? So like, am I actually meant to assume that everyone is mispronouncing her name? But there’s no option to not do it! Or to bring up the subject! Anyway I just CANNOT stop feeling sympathy for her every time I see the damn wrong name in all these text boxes. Even if she’s an abrasive asshole half the time she feels like she has some sense of morality deep down, and that she’s been pushed to this extent by a terrible life rather than just choosing to become this sort of person. She’s just kinda like the ‘token evil good guy’ on the team. Even though she’s committing petty crimes it pales in comparison to the bigger horror that’s going on here :P

MAN it felt so damn good to finally get the reveal on Donavan and play as him for the first time! I mean whoa what a good climactic moment! What an uplifting! And what a downlifting when it gets cut short by tragedy, lol I TOTALLY KNEW IT that he was a cop! I mean seriously he was such a clear red herring, he was being pushed so heavily as the killer and we never got to know anything actually about him. And when you read his mind the ‘I WILL FIND YOU. I WILL EXTERMINATE YOU.’ struck me as something that could easily have a double meaning if he was a detective looking for the real killer! It was just SO BADASS when you finally get to control him and you have the power to enter every room and find clues that were locked off for ages! And it feels like you’re finally making progress so it was such a great story decision that the killer gets him immediately afterwards. And how their last taunt to him is that he was NO WHERE NEAR solving the mystery! Its just a taste of power and then its all thrown away and it makes you SO FUCKING DETERMINED to finish what donovan started with your weak lil protagonist hands NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES GAHHHHH

And then finally regaining a humanoid ghost form and being able to unlock the last two people’s tragic backstories by visiting their dreams!! And gahhh it was so interesting and sad that you have to lie and pretend to be the ghost of someone else they care about, in order to get through to them and say what that person would have said if they had got the chance to be the protagonist instead of you. It was actually a genuine huge surprise to learn that Gwen wasnt remotely involved with the murder! Like, she spent the whole game being paranoid that someone is coming after her, and everyone was saying she’s JUST paranoid, and then it turns out she WAS just paranoid! But I love that the game is actually sympathetic to her paranoia and shows how it’s a legitimate mental illness. Its left more mysterious than a lot of the other backstories, but it seems that her father or uncle or someone abused her and her sister when she was a child, and her sister was killed while she escaped. And even though its over she’s been haunted by the belief he’ll find her any second now, causing her to destroy her own life through reckless decisions, jumping up and running away every time things start getting good in her life. She doesnt even know where she’s running to! And GOD I really liked how you resolve it, you dont just cure people’s mental illnesses by giving them a  motivational speech. But you help them feel like they’re able to endure it, that they’ll get better someday and that they should accept help from therapists. And NOT BLAME THEMSELVES for being sick! I just really liked the line “yes, this is a living nightmare, but if you’re awake you can change things”.

And when you do the similar dream sequence for Darryl there’s an even better climactic line! Its like, after a whole game of him blaming himself for his wife’s suicide, going over a bazillion different scenarios of how he could have prevented it, you just say... “I was sick, there was nothing you could do.” There isnt some magical REASON why she became depressed, her life with him was as happy as he could have given her. It wouldnt have just stopped if her life was perfect, she had to get treatment, its an illness. It wasnt anyone’s fault, it was just a bad stroke of chance that she never told anyone about it and never got a chance to be treated, or even to talk it through with her husband at all. Her diary is just full of her feeling guilty that she must be making it up because she loves her husband so much and it’d be like insulting him to admit she isnt happy within her own skin, when he does everything to be the best husband he can. Goddd.... its so sad that its BECAUSE THEY WERE HAPPY that she was in this position where she never sought help! Where she just shouldered it herself and hoped it would go away on its own! And god, you get to see that Darryl does indeed have antidepressants in his room, unlike her he did seek therapy and its just because of his guilt that he isnt fully accessing that help. And he’s taking these drugs instead of his proper medication, and he’s planning his own suicide at the end of the trip. And god, you get to talk him down from it and say what his wife wanted to say, and save him from meeting the same fate as her! You’re just sick, Darryl. She was sick too. Its not anyone’s fault that someone stays depressed, nothing can magically make depression go away, you have to see a doctor like with any other illness. You cant just talk it away by telling yourself that you ‘should’ be happy and youre somehow choosing to feel this way...

GODDDD I hope poor mr stubble grandpa is okay after the end of the game And I hope him and Quella stay in touch as friends! Her backstory made me cry too, goddddd She’s been diagnosed with cancer and has anywhere between three and seven months to live, because she was too poor to afford treatment until it was already too late. And she’s just so positive and okay with it?? Everyone else are the only ones crying for her.. She just wants to finish her final novel before she runs out of time, she’s crying more about not having enough inspiration for this. She just wants to be remembered, she knows she cant change her own death and this is the only thing she CAN change... I want Darryl to be her friend and help beta read her novel aaaa And dear god can everyone please be okay and stick together and GOD why can’t protagonist stay T_T I want you all to be safe when I’m gone, my friends. God I get to know them so closely yet never be able to really even talk to them, they’ll just remember me as someone they talked to only once before I died... And DEAR GOD let me rescue Paulo please!!!! everyone be safe please I don’t want to be able to hug Paulo and stay with him forever There is no way this can happen unless the worst possible thing happened I have to say goodbye okay i HAVE TO SAVE EVERYONE if all goes well I’ll never see any of you in person, okay? just let me be a shadow on this boat and pass away with no regrets knowing all of you will live a lot longer than me THIS GAME GETS ME SO EMOTIONALLLLL