#and i felt strange. yeah punk music i like. the like the values of a lot of musicians of the early scene.

[cidiliabra]

Identifying with subculture is strange because it's all a joke as long as capitalism is still around. It's just marketing. At least it feels like marketing.

[honeyons]

my thoughts on Life is Strange: Before the Storm (review-ish)

DISCLAIMER: I will NOT talk about shipping or anything about that! I really don’t care about shipping in Life is Strange and I KNOW people here have strong opinions! you can ship what you want! I don’t care and I won’t talk about that now. as for me: I have played Life is Strange and Life is Strange: Before the Storm and I played EVERY route because I wanted to see the outcome.

PLEASE don’t make this post into some shipping war shit. look at this as some sort of a review (it’s not really but you get my point).

okay, forgive me for the mess but I try to structure this post.

Location: Like always in every LiS game I got struck with the beautiful scenery and music. It just feels like pure peace just sitting there and enjoy the moment. Even tho many NPC’s talk about how shitty Arcadia Bay is, the aestetic and scenery makes you want to live there. also new places were introduced like the park or the mill.

Story: The Story itself was... okay. I know it’s harder to come up with a good and emotional story without the impact of superpowers (like the butterfly effect in LiS 1). the whole plot with Sera felt a bit weird to me actually. was not really my cup of tea. Also what bugged me and threw more questions: why would Rachel be okay with cheating on Chloe (if they were lovers) with Frank but she’s mad at her dad for cheating? sounds a bit fishy and I think that’s more about the inconsistensies that came up. while I love and adore what Deck Nine did, a little bit more detail research to that wouldn’t have hurt (I’M NOT accusing them of not doing enough research but it just seems like it)

also didn’t like that they introduced a bad guy (Damon Merrick) and killed him off immidiatly. I get that there need to be a concistensy to LiS 1... but there are other options to handle this. He was THAT baddie mcbad, a very powerful criminal and he was killed off camera. that’s a bit lazy.

All in all it was a bit weird that the whole plot was stuffed in only 3 episodes which made everything feel rushed.

Music: I actually liked the music more than in LiS 1. It got me into Daughter a lot and I enjoy her music very much.

Characters:

Chloe - I  have to say, I liked Chloe much much more in BtS than in LiS. She grew a lot to me. We explore her trauma from losing her dad and it is really really emotional. Also I liked the aspect that her journal are letters to Max. we also explore how she felt about Max, many mixed feelings in being angry and missing her. a nice detail is how her clothing style is kinda changing from skater style to punk rock, so we still get to have both clothing styles until we have full punk rock Chloe in LiS 1. My favorite scene (and one of the most emotional ones imo) is the junkyard smash scene. her emotional outburst and wanting to destroy stuff really hit hard. (a bit off topic but imo I agree to the fan theory even more that Chloe suffers from BPD and depression. )

Rachel - so I gotta say, this game is not really for people who liked the mystery around Rachel in LiS 1. I always liked Rachel and especially in LiS 1 that there is this mysterious person you only hear rumors about and see some pictures. My problem is that Deck Nine tried to make Rachel live up to these rumors a bit too much, there was a bit potential lost. because all in all, these are rumors, they can be wrong, they can be exaggurated. I really liked how Rachel encouraged Chloe to be part of the play. And I can imagine she did a lot of things like that. Showing Chloe things out of her (Chloe’s) comfort zone that are good and enjoyable, that things like the play are actually fun and don’t suck. I enjoyed Rachel a lot she is a fun character and even shows that a “perfect” person has their own struggles. And no. I don’t think she has element powers. the wind was more to underline her pain, the fire was more symbolic for her anger. for example the candles at the tables, the flames grew and we see Rachel being quiet yet tense. the flames were symbolic for her anger that boiled up.

relationship between Rachel and Chloe - like I mentioned in the “Story” section, it all felt very rushed (no matter if you choose friendship or love). But still it was shown how much they care for each other. Even tho I’d love to see more happen what we saw in the ending sequences. Because those little shorts were more to what we knew about Rachel in LiS 1 and I wanted to explore more of this. What bugged me a bit was that we as Chloe weren’t really doubting anything even a bit. yes the junkyard scene was the only time Chloe called her out and they got into a fight. what I rather wished for is for example something like this:

the scene were Rachel drugged Victorias tea.

C: Rachel! I.. I know that you want to be in the play..and you deserve it, really! but that was insane... you could get in seriuos trouble... have you forgotten what happened this morning?

R: I thought Chloe Price doesn’t care about getting in trouble?

C: I don’t. I get in trouble all the time but I care about YOU. I don’t want you to get in more shit.

R: I... I’m sorry. you are right, that was a bit extreme. I promise not to do such thing anymore.

(JUST AN EXAMPLE. I DON’T KNOW IF I GOT WAY OUT OF CHARACTER BUT YOU GET MY POINT)

All in all I enjoyed their relationship and the deep care for each other it’s more hurtful because we as player know what’s going to happen and the very last sequence in the dark room is very very heavy. BUT I get why a lot of people thought of Rachel to be manipulative. I myself had my doubts too sometimes (even tho I love Rachel). I think Deck Nine did a bit of a messy writing in her character (like I said above with living up to her rumors) mixed with Chloe being totally okay with EVERYTHING Rachel does paints that kind of a picture. maybe I could be wrong too since there is the whole Frank stuff still open and we never got an explaination why Rachel hooked up with him. I didn’t really get the feeling in LiS1 that she’s manipulative..more.. desperate I guess? so that’s a bit messy on that part.

Nathan - I liked him better in BtS than LiS1. The scene where his father is mad at him before the play was heavy (for everyone who know how bad abusive parents are, this hits hard) and we actually see Nathans concernes and being afraid. I really enjoyed him in the tempest play (when you encourage Samantha to talk to him). it shows a different side of him. also he wasn’t constantly flexing with his familys power. so yeah, I liked him better in BtS.

Eliot - oof. I get what point Deck Nine wanted to come across but they pushed that too much from the start. If they wanted the scene in the Ambers office more of a shock value they should’ve written him better. yes he is definitely a creepo but there was potential wasted to make a good shock moment in the end. For example, they could make postitve interactions between Chloe and him so we don’t suspect him imidiatly as creeper. because every interaction (even the “nice” ones) were hostile. what I’m trying to say is that Deck Nine had a good chance to build up a good shock moment for the player but it was ruined from the start.

okay I don’t want to get in each and every character.

Bonus Episode Farewell: tears. just tears. the only thing I have to say is... from a logical standpoint I don’t get why Max HAD TO leave on the exact day of the funeral. I mean... yeah she had to go anyway but her family could’ve delayed that for a few days to be there for the Price family. HOWEVER from a stroy telling point this gets you more tears in your eyes (to leave on the funeral) and goddammit this made me cry every time.

all in all I really really love BtS and it was so nice to visit Arcadia Bay again, seeing familiar and new faces. I love it even with it’s flaws.

[rubyofhouserocks]

figayda ficlet - i’ll be the hoot if you’ll be the growl

Summary: Fig puts on her old cheerleading uniform

Ayda was neck-deep in her notes when she heard Fig exclaim, “oh my God.”

They were in Fig’s room in Mordred Manor, and Fig had been in the process of organizing the belongings in her closet. Ayda hadn’t actually seen her paramour in almost an hour, buried as she was under a pile of clothing and trinkets. The outburst was the first thing Fig had said in nearly as long, save for some mumbling and humming to herself—both of which Ayda found endlessly endearing.

“Is everything all right?” Ayda asked, wondering whether Fig had encountered something frightening, like maybe a spider. A small part of her hoped that Fig had, so that Ayda could vanquish it for her. Fig was so strong and independent, typically, that Ayda found herself craving the opportunity to prove her value as a partner.

“Everything’s fine!” Fig answered, though her voice sounded strained in a way that indicated that perhaps the opposite may be true. Ayda wasn’t confident in that assessment, but she had been working to be able to better pick up on those sorts of cues from Fig.

“Are you sure?” she asked, just to confirm.

“Ugh, fine, I’ll tell you,” Fig called from the closet, her voice muffled, “but you have to promise not to laugh, okay?”

“I would never laugh at you, Figueroth. I can draft a contract to that effect, if you’d—”

“No, no, I totally trust you,” Fig interrupted, peeking her head out of the closet, and Ayda stopped talking. “It’s just,” Fig paused and seemed to consider her words carefully, “okay, so, I found my old cheerleading uniform.”

“Cheerleading uniform?”

“Yeah, you know, like for Bloodru—oh wait, I guess you probably wouldn’t, growing up in Leviathan.” Fig looked up and to the side as she contemplated how to explain. “Um, basically, cheerleaders give Bloodrush players bardic inspiration, but while chanting and dancing and wearing cute little skirts? It’s a weird high school thing.”

“This does not sound like a thing you would do,” Ayda said plainly. Then again, Fig was frequently full of surprises. It was one of the things Ayda found so charming about her.

“I know, that’s why I’m a little embarrassed,” Fig responded, finally looking back at Ayda. Her cheeks were adorably pink. Well, pinker than they usually were, which was already quite pink. “It doesn’t really fit with my ‘cool punk girl’ image.”

“Everything you do is cool, Fig,” Ayda told her truthfully. “I’m sure that your cheerleading was equally cool.”

Fig laughed. “It really, really wasn’t, babe,” she paused and looked down, suddenly bashful, “I could…um, I could show you? Just so you know how lame it really was.”

Ayda was extremely serious when she responded, “I would love nothing more than to learn about your prior hobbies, Fig.”

Fig bit her lip and nodded, and Ayda could not help but stare at her mouth. “Yeah, okay. Gimme a minute.” She returned to the closet. After a couple of moments of clattering and shuffling, she reemerged in a red-and-white outfit that…truly did not cover much skin.

“Oh,” Ayda said, a little bit shocked by the sight of her. Not unpleasantly so. “And so you wore that and gave the players inspiration?”

“Well, kind of. We had these dance routines and chants that we would say to amp up the crowd, and their cheers were supposed to inspire the players.”

“What kind of chants?” Ayda asked before she could stop herself, curiosity overtaking her. Fig grinned broadly in response and jumped into a stiff-looking position, with her feet together and her arms extended by her sides.

“Ready? Okay!” Fig punctuated her sentence with a clap. “The owlbears are on the prowl,” her arms now gestured wildly, forming odd, severe angles, “when I say hoot, let’s hear your growl!” Fig jumped and kicked, her skirt swishing around her thighs. “Hoot!”

Ayda said nothing.

“Babe, you’re supposed to say growl.” Fig pouted, abandoning her severe posture in order to cross her arms over her chest.

“Oh! Growl, I suppose.”

“I can’t hear you,” but she grinned at Ayda, her voice light and teasing. She returned to that strange, robotic stance before repeating: “The owlbears are on the prowl, when I say hoot, let’s hear your growl! Hoot!”

“Growl,” Ayda said quietly.

“Hoot!”

“Growl,” Ayda felt herself responding more quickly this time.

“Hoot!”

“Growl!” It seemed to explode out of her, and Ayda was taken aback by the force of her own voice. Fig absolutely beamed at her then, clapping her hands together and kicking her leg so high in the air that Ayda could see—well.

“Yeah, like that!” Fig laughed, but it was not an unkind laugh. It sounded musical and sweet, and Ayda’s mouth went completely dry.

The thing was, Ayda was still learning a lot of things. She was still learning all the words in the books that Jawbone gave her, and she was still learning how to be best friends with Adaine, and she was still learning what she was allowed to do with the frisson of heat that burned in her gut whenever she looked at Fig.

As she watched Fig laugh and dance around, skirt fluttering around her thighs, Ayda felt that familiar heat pull at the pit of her stomach. She struggled to put words to the things that she wanted. To touch, certainly. But it was so much more than that; there were so many things she felt like she needed all at once. It was overwhelming, but not in a way that Ayda found unwelcome.

Fig danced a little bit closer to her, taking a gulping breath to begin her chant anew. “The owlbears are on the—mmph.”

Ayda cut her off with a kiss, wrapping her arms around Fig’s waist and pulling her in close. She could feel Fig’s skin against her fingertips from where the end of her uniform’s top didn’t quite meet the beginning of her skirt, and Ayda found it all very welcome indeed. She could not quite believe that she was permitted this sensation, but she relished in it regardless.

As they pulled away for breath, Fig sighed against Ayda’s mouth. “Damn, babe,” she whispered, a grin pulling at the corners of her lips. “Hoot.”

“Growl,” Ayda said, leaning back in.

[purplesurveys]

1115

survey by vintagekid

Name:  Robyn.

Happy with it? I am now, but I certainly wasn’t as a kid. Other kids were cruel and would tease me solely for my name, which made it hard for me to socialize. I got the same bad Batman jokes too many times and I also got called a boy. These seem petty now, but as a kindergartener adjusting to life in school, it had been traumatizing and made me wonder if my classmates were going to remain the way they were for the long run which no 4-year-old should be mulling about, really.

Do you wear stilettos? When I get the chance, which isn’t very often at all. But I do love stilettos.

How important are looks to you? I find this question very vague, but generally looks matter to me to a certain extent, like how I’d want to look nice and proper for a job interview or for formal occasions such as weddings. Relationship-wise, I also think I have to feel a level of physical attraction towards someone for me to consider seeing them.

How often do you download music? I don’t anymore. I stream all my music.

Can you name a philosopher? Socrates.

What would you do if two unicorns tried to whisk you off to candy mountain? I just looked this up and this is apparently in reference to an ancient viral video, like it was around before viral videos were even a universally-acknowledged concept. That said, I don’t have a clue how to respond to this lmao.

You became the deciding vote in an election, which party would you go for? I don’t base my voting decisions on parties because the party system in my country is a tragically broken shitstorm in which every single party rallies the same values and principles, just executed in their own – and usually poor and unsustainable – ways. I do my research on each candidate, see how they answer in debates, look at laws they’ve authored, see which marginalized groups they proactively support (if they do), and decide from there.

Do you have a bzoink account? I don’t but I’ve been a semi-regular visitor since like 2009.

How many phone calls do you typically make in a day? Zero. People usually call me.

What song are you listening to? Tell Me It’s Okay by, surprise surprise, Paramore.

Do you understand things others your age do not? I don’t know. Maybe. Everyone’s bound to understand some things better than others.

Do you hate people that label themselves? Why would I hate that? And why would their chosen label be my business?

How many windows do you have open? None. There’s plenty of mosquitoes at night, so even though the cold evening air would been pleasant to have we have to keep the windows closed by nighttime.

How superstitious are you? Not at all.

If you were in Harry Potter, which house would you be in? I’ve been told either Gryffindor or Ravenclaw.

Which comedian can always crack you up? It’s not a habit of mine to watch comedians.

Are you nagged about being on the computer too much? Not since I was a teenager. Since college I’ve been doing most of my work, if not all of it, through my laptop, and I think my parents understand that I have to use it all the time.

Do you feel bad about anything you've done lately? Nothing comes to mind, no.

What's your texting bill typically like? My SIM is prepaid, so it works the other way around. I put load credits in it only if I know I’ll have to call/text/surf regularly.

What song did you/do you want played at your wedding? Turning Page by Sleeping At Last.

Do you have a lot or hardly any lines on your palms? Idk, a decent amount I guess? I don’t think it hits either extreme.

What's your favourite word? Poignant.

Are you allowed to swear in front of your parents? Yeah. They’ll shoot me a glare sometimes, but I’m in my 20s and...they know they can’t really do anything about it anymore lol.

Do you eat apples? No.

What are your addictions? Coffee, I suppose.

What are some words you use in daily life? I use intensifiers often, like very, really, super, absolutely, etc. I’m also big on expressions hahaha like oh my god, seriously, for real, and ugh.

Do you look things up on Google constantly? Yes.

Where do you get your music from? Spotify. Sometimes YouTube if I wanna look for a leak.

What do you think of people with afros? That they are people with afros...? I don’t really know what you’re looking for me to say, lmfao.

--

survey by charey-chas

Do you like getting your picture taken? Not for the most part. My body instantly gets all frozen and awkward when a camera’s placed in front of me, which I hate because I do wish I could have more photos of myself around. Is your phone anywhere near you? It is not, actually. It feels great and I really should start making it a habit to keep it away from me entirely on weekends. Do you ever enjoy going to school? In my first school, I enjoyed going mainly (and probably only) for my friends; but Catholic school was predominantly a torturous experience. The rigidity isn’t something I look back fondly on, and it felt like being kept on a tight leash for 14 years. College was a lot more enjoyable in every way possible. I liked going to (most of) my classes and learning as much as I loved the vibrant org culture and the general freedom that comes with university life. Have you ever gone on a road trip? Lots. The Philippines is a relatively small country and unless you want to jump to a different island altogether, there are many provinces you can readily travel to by car.  Who do you get along with best in your family?  Nina, my sister. Then my dad. I clash a lot with my mom and I don’t talk to my brother. Based on your personality, what animal do you think you'd be? Cats and I don’t get along very well hahaha but I think I’m similar to them. Would you ever buy anything from an infomercial? Maybe once, just to be able to say that I have. Have you ever made a snow angel? No, because I’ve never seen snow before. Have you stayed in a hotel in the last month? No. We had a brief getaway in Tagaytay but we switched things up and went to rent a condo, instead of book a hotel room, for a weekend. What's your most comfortable outfit? If I want to go for comfortable, I usually go for my rompers or jumpsuits. Do you text or IM more? IM these days. Would you rather listen to music or play it? Listen. I have no music-playing skills whatsoever. Have you ever been in a hot tub? Sure. Do you like pizza? LOVE IT Are you sleeping in your own bed tonight? Yes. If not here, the couch. But most likely it will my bed tonight. Are any of your friends having a sleepover right now? I doubt it. Angela and Hans had an overnight stay in Batangas a few days ago for their Valentine’s shenanigans though, which I guess kinda counts as a sleepover. Have you ever been to a house party? I don’t think so. That’s something I missed out on in my college days, but I don’t mind. Do you listen to your iPod or the radio when you're in the car? I think I keep a good balance. If my phone’s battery is not very high I’ll rely on the radio; and sometimes I’ll sync my phone’s Spotify to the car as well.

--

survey by charey-chas

What song is stuck in your head at the moment? RAVI’s BUM. What's your fathers' middle name? He doesn’t have a second name, but I’m not sharing his legal middle name on here either. How many hours a day do you spend on the computer? On work days, I’d say 8-10 hours. On weekends, maybe a little slightly less than that since I do like getting off the laptop sometimes to rest my eyes. Could you live without the internet? People from the past managed to live without it, so I know I can. It would just be extremely inconvenient; and having been dependent on it for such a long time now, I would likely be clueless on how to navigate most activities. What's something you're really into? Learning about cultural differences!! That’s why reading survey answers has always been fascinating to me. I would love a website that dives into the various everyday behavior people observe in other countries, but the ones that do exist use like 20- or 30-year-old sources, so they aren’t even relevant at all anymore. What's the last movie you saw in theaters? Knives Out. Have you ever seen a movie in 3D or in an IMAX theater? Just once. It was Denise and Leigh’s 18th birthday treat and they brought us to watch Doctor Strange in 3D. Do you prefer skirts, shorts, or skorts? Shorts. Have you ever vandalized? Just a few school chairs in grade school, but otherwise I’m too paranoid for vandalism lol. What's the longest you've stayed up? Maybe a little longer than 24 hours. Who'd you have a sleepover with last? Gabie. When's the last time you baked something? Nearly a decade ago. Our oven was new at the time and I wanted to try baking cookies. Do you like to dance? When I’m alone. Do you scratch mosquito bites, even though you're not supposed to? Yup. Are you afaid of spiders or do you like them? I mean I’m not fond of them, but I also don’t scream and run away when I see them. I just don’t care for them for the most part. What's a pet you've always wanted? I’ve only ever wanted dogs, and now I’ve got two of them. Do you like mice? Not really. Would you ever get a tattoo? Sure. I’ve been considering it for a while now; it’s just a matter of being able to save up for one. Do you prefer to walk in the street or on the sidewalk? Street, if it’s bare and safe enough. Otherwise if I’m in a busy city with regulations and all I’d obviously rather be on the sidewalk. What's your favorite t-shirt? My CM Punk Best in the World merch. Who did you last think about? I remembered Deina when I was thinking about the tattoo question. She got a pawprint tattoo on her wrist shortly before her senior dog passed away and ever since learning about it I’ve also been thinking about getting the same tattoo. Do you like giving hugs? I love giving hugs and it’s an automatic response for me whenever I see someone I love, which is why Covid is such a torture for me. Do you prefer hardwood flooring or carpeting? Hardwood. Did you/will you get a car for your 16th birthday? No. I got a car when I was 17, around six months before I started college. Have you ever eaten a worm? No but I’d be willing to try.

[williamsockner]

LGBT+ Identity in the Time of Mindless Self Indulgence

Mindless Self Indulgence isn’t an act that could have flourished at any other time. The emo/pop punk wave was gathering steam; hip hop was still a novelty one could distinguish themselves from the flock by cribbing. “Random” Invader Zim-style humor was in the decline, while “edgy” no-limits humor was skyrocketing. Nerds hadn’t become the dominant force they are today, but due to the internet and the rise in manga and anime sales in the United States, they were able to access nerdy content much more easily. Youtube was taking off, music piracy was booming, and reliance on both radio and local record-store gatekeepers was at a low for young music fans.

Perhaps most critically, our national understanding of politics and identity at the time, particularly LGBT+ identities, was in a different stage of development than it is today. “Punching up” vs. “punching down” was not a concept that most people considered in their comedy. “It’s just a joke” was more widely accepted as an excuse for transgressive entertainment than it is today. “I’m an equal opportunity hater” was a common refrain.

Early in their career, the band released multiple tracks where Jimmy Urine, a man who was certainly not black, used the n-word. The “Pantyshot” cassingle was a treasured possession among MSI fans, featuring an early song that supposedly lost them a record deal due to being about lusting over a 5 year-old. Little Jimmy Urine sold kisses for a dollar to fans after shows, including to the teenagers. As a whole, the band made punchlines of racial and sexual slurs, rape and child abuse, school shootings, prostitution, drug use, incest, and just about every other taboo under the sun.

The understanding was that none of it was real and that none of it had any real consequences. Calling someone a faggot didn’t matter if we were all in on the joke, that homophobia was stupid. Words were just words. The identity of the speaker didn’t matter so long as their ideology was clear. It was something of an inversion of the way we publicly navigate comedy now, in that their identity determines where on the ladder they are to punch up or down, and the contents of their ideology is of minimal consequence compared to the text of their words. The context of a joke is not a matter of what the audience believes, but of the many complexities of hierarchy that society as a whole believes.

“Who cares?” asks 2008. “It’s just words.”

“How could it not matter?” answers 2018. “Words create culture.”

So LGBT+ identity in the era of Mindless Self Indulgence.

Describing the difference between 2005 and 2018 to young queer people is a source of anxiety for me, because I feel like the old woman talking about how she walked uphill both ways to the library if she wanted to read a book. It’s difficult, however, to put in perspective how quickly the culture around LGBT+ identities has changed. As dangerous as it is for queer kids today, they have much freer access to information about their resources and history than we did, and far greater representation in all forms of media.

When I was a teenager, I was the first person openly LGBT at my school, and my only point of reference for LGBT identities were Rosie O’Donnell and Elton John. There was no “Born This Way” yet, no Halsey and Hayley Kiyoko and Ellen Page, no Troye Sivan and Adam Lambert and Frank Ocean, no Miley Cyrus, no Laverne Cox. There were no empowerment ballads.

Which was fine, because I didn’t want empowerment ballads anyway. I felt disgusting. In reckoning with my LGBT+ identity, I felt small, broken, repulsive, confused, discarded and doomed. I was sickened in my own skin and filled with self-loathing because of my sexual orientation. Sometimes I still am. When I was 15, I drew a map of my heart, and in between the “fields of sexual insecurity” and “possibly irreparable damage” I had written “guilt!” several times and underlined it.

“You’re beautiful” didn’t only feel false, it felt invalidating. I was fiercely defensive of my self-hatred. I was working so hard at it, spending so much time and energy convincing myself I deserved the beating I was giving myself. To this day the barriers I’ve put up against generic bromides persist, and songs like “Scars to Your Beautiful” or “Roar” make me cringe. Maybe someone gets something out of them, but I can only think of the teenagers like me who used that sort of sentiment as fuel for their own self-abuse. I remember once bursting into tears at a “Jesus Loves You” sticker because it served as proof that the whole world was playing a joke on me, telling me that someone so unlovable should have some hope.

It was impossible to internalize that queerness was not dirty, unnatural and loathsome. Any attempt to break that association was drown out by the rest of the messaging we were receiving and our own tried-and-true mental gymnastics. Reassurance could not reach us at the bottom of the well.

At the time, I was obsessed with Mindless Self Indulgence with the kind of all-consuming adoration that only teenagers can possess. I aped frontman Little Jimmy Urine’s fashion, writing slogans across my coats with white tape. “What Do They Know” and “Cocaine and Toupees” were my ringtones, much to my mother’s chagrin. I had catalogues of bootlegs, lovingly sorted and pressed to CD. Mindless Self Indulgence populated my artwork, both in classroom doodles and in art pieces for my portfolio that I labored on for weeks. They were the subject of my college application essay. I met my first love on an MSI forum (which I moderated) and lost a few romantic relationships over my inability to talk about anything else. I owned every shirt. When I was hired on at Barnes & Noble’s music section, I would nominate Frankenstein Girls Will Seem Strangely Sexy for the staff recommendation shelf every single week, and whenever it inevitably got recalled to the warehouse for lack of sales, I’d order it right back.

Sometimes my friends and I would go to the mall parking lot at night and blast Mindless Self Indulgence from my car, dancing around the empty lot with our striped stockings, fingerless gloves and Hot Topic trip pants.

This band kept me from killing myself.

“I’m filthy, disgusting, horrible, irredeemable,” we’d say. “People tell us we’re beautiful and we know they’re lying. I’m a freak.”

“Yeah, you’re fucking ugly,” the music said. “So what? So’s everything else. Have some fun with it.”

Despite the fact that Jimmy Urine has never publicly labeled himself with an LGBT identity, we young LGBT MSI fans claimed him as our own. We enshrined the article where he described being sexually attracted to anyone regardless of gender. We imitated and revered his gender fuckery onstage, the skirts, the pink suits and tutus, the eyeliner, his yelping falsetto leaping up from the masculine shouting, the way he danced. We pored over lyrics - that we transcribed ourselves in many cases, through multiple listens and endless debate - for those nuggets of same-sex attraction and gender ambiguity.

“I make a good girl but I make a terrible boy,” went one song. “These things in my pants that we’re all waiting for, I never really knew what that thing down there was used for,” went another. And the most sacred text of all was “Faggot”, off Frankenstein Girls Will Seem Strangely Sexy, the most beloved record of the vast majority of hardcore MSI fans.

“I played that shit straight / blowing suckas to the side hopin' I get laid / now everybody knows / no way in hell I can ever live it down”.

Shit was a revelation.

Kitty, the drummer of Mindless Self Indulgence, once said of the band’s LGBT fans that listening to MSI’s music was like vomiting: it hurts at the time, but then you feel better. You got it out. And the band always cultivated their relationship with their LGBT fans. Gay marriage was one of the few political issues they openly took a stance on, in a time when states like my own were amending constitutions to protect themselves from Massachusetts’ same-sex marriages.

Thus, we had a place where we felt simultaneously seen and valued by the band, and unseen amongst the chaos surrounding us. The irreverent humor of the band created a safe space where homosexuality could be disgusting, but so was everything else. There was no shame at an MSI concert. You were listening to a man famed for drinking his own urine sing about whipping his meat out, who cared if you liked to kiss girls? That’s old news. We’re all freaks down here at the bottom of the well.

I’m 28 now, and I don’t know if the kids these days have an equivalent band. I don’t know if there’s a market for it anymore; I’m sure there will always be queer kids who have internalized the awful message that they are inherently unlovable, but I’m not sure if they can’t find more accessible and more inherently positive panaceas. I see mutations of the same style of humor in Willam from RuPaul’s Drag Race and in some of the undercurrents of Tumblr’s teen humor. “We’re goblins, trash, garbage babies.”

“Yeah,” my inner child says. “I fucking feel that.”

The paradigm of humor has changed since 2008, at least in my circles, and the reasons for that are manifold, political, social, capitalistic. In many ways, it’s been a good thing: bigotry can be exposed rather than cloaked in excuses. A basic understanding of social inequality is presumed of most audiences. People are responsible for the impact of their words, not the intent. “Equal opportunity hater” is seem for what it is: intellectually lazy and blinkered, the refuge of white guys who don’t want to own up to the fact that some jokes aren’t funny.

But I’ll always have a place in my heart for comedy that meets people where they’re at. Where we’re at isn’t always beautiful or acceptable or healthy, but sometimes it’s the place where we need the laugh most.

[musicmixtapes]

October 10, 2018 Mix

Welcome to this week's installation of music! I loved finding tracks that blended well in terms of sound and meaning, as well as playing around with the pace of the pieces so not to cause monotony inside the eardrums. Enjoy and any suggestions/opinions, send my way

Spotify Playlist (Listen in order!) 1. Walls by The Lumineers - First off, can I just say how excited I am to see new music from a group who never seems to disappoint both my ears and my heart. While listening for the first time I thought, "Wow what a great song, but this sounds kind of familiar" so when I showed it to my mom she said "Of course it sounds familiar, it's a cover of one of Tom Petty's songs" and then it made my heart that much fuller knowing that. Petty is known to have the American writing way of describing through metaphor exactly how love and relationships feel at a moment suspended in time. Using that craftsmanship and words that cut to the bone, The Lumineers created a cover that is so folky and vulnerable sounding, I am sure that Petty would not be disappointed in it. 2.  I've Just Seen A Face by The Beatles - Continuing with classics that we may find hidden in corners of our mind, that pop out into existence from time to time, is this wonderful treasure from the Help! album, a beloved album to me and most of the world, I'm sure. I specifically chose this track because the title definitely created a supernatural element in my mind that translated to the feeling that love often gives, which is that it transcends regular human volition. It causes this reaction that cannot be expressed through regular conversation and absolutely needed to be sung about, which to me, is fantastic. Also, the really fast and frantic pace of the song adds to the urgency of the message of seeing someone in passing and instantly feeling a surge of love and the need to be with them at the moment. Falling in love is sometimes done in a slow motion type fall, but in this instance, it seems more immediate. 3. Moon Barks At The Dog by Saintseneca - The lyrical value that this song has is endless, and quite honestly, I could spend a long time doing an in depth analysis of this piece line by line, but for now I won't. The main thing I wanted to go in depth with a little bit is this image of the moon barking at the dog, which is just such a strange and abstract concept to grasp. Of course, the typical thing that someone would refer to is the dog barking at the moon, which is apparently a reference to the famous statement (I had no idea this existed): "It is common for the dog to bark at the moon, but if the moon barks back, the dog becomes famous." As a person who loves strange expressions, this has quickly become one of my favorites. There is also an entire verse that nods to Bruce Springsteen and his music not being the singer's cup of tea, which I disagree, but appreciate the reference anyway. 4. Los Ageless (cover) by The Wombats - I would say I'm sorry about including another version of the same song within two months, but I am not sorry at all because it is my firm belief that different versions of the same song can change it entirely and bring fresh perspective and possibly a new interpretation of meaning. Originally a St. Vincent song from her amazing album Masseducation, it was a more techno rock sound for sure, but this alternative group brought it down with a more acoustic sound fleshed out through it. I don't think the sound was altered so much that it changed the composition entirely, but the male voice for sure gave it a perspective which I was not expecting. To have a male singer express the notion "How could anybody have you and lose you and not lose their minds too?" makes me feel a glimmer of hope to diminish toxic masculinity. 5. More Than Romantic Love by St. Lenox - I don't know exactly what to classify this as and to be fair, I'm not sure that putting this artist in a box would be serving him justice in any way. I felt that I was having a conversation with a fellow new yorker while really really cool, eclectic music was playing in the background. And I loved it. Just all of the references to living in a place in time where you are losing someone because you cannot accept the fact that they only want a platonic love, not romantic. This goes deeper though, and examines how to deal with someone who is going through personal struggle and how to reach them emotionally while being sensitive to their needs. St. Lenox has such a soulful conversational tone that speaks freely about mental health, breakup and the nervousness of the city, also shout out to Washington Square. He's an artist on the rise for sure. 6. This Is The Day by The The - This is a classic example of a song with an upbeat, generally happy sounding tune that literally step by step tells about the woes that a person with depression has to go through. It actually really reminded me of a Smiths song, where the mood totally does not match the words, and this is a trope I absolutely love to see in older music. The image of eyes being red and burning when seeing daylight is so profound because insomnia is one of the main traits of depression, so this feeling of always feeling tired in the daytime is so relatable to hear about in song, which I never have before. The synthesized sound and the acordion that are strung throughout the song really emphasize the dichotomy of the sound and feeling, which also add the layer of how you look on the outside doesn't always match how you are on the inside. 7. Greyhound by Calpurnia - Have you ever made future plans with someone you are in a relationship with, thinking that basically you'll be with them forever, and then suddenly, the time for that plan comes around, except you're not together anymore? Yeah? Me too, and apparently the writer of this song was in this exact position because that's essentially what it's about to put it in base question format. But what really satisfied me concerning this song was not the super relatable storyline aspect, but the sarcastic way of telling something pretty sad, which seemed like an epic breakup and heart break. The whole "hats of to you, for you to go" is so sassy and like a middle finger in the center of a song about still having feelings for an ex-love, which was so fun to see. I hope the subject of this song listened to this song. 8. 15 Minutes by The Strokes - Whenever asked my top favorite bands, they are always at the top of the list. I don't know exactly what resonates with me, but I have been trying to pin point the moodiness and exacerbated feelings for awhile that me and this band seems to always share. I think it's the way that Casablancas always mutters some really sad yet humorous things while hard core guitar comes in and really great drum beats and a bass line are right in line with it. This song is no exception because it totally defies the meaning of telling someone how you feel and being comfortable with oneself about it; if I may be so bold, I think it generally classifies how one with lots of anxiety would go about telling feelings from a real perspective, rather insecurely and with the approach of joking about emotions in a very honest way. 9. Think I'm Still In Love With You by Joyce Manor - A new album by an awesome punk, angsty, emo rock band, news I will never be upset to hear about. Specifically, this artist has so many different qualities going past the initial relatable angst you feel when listening to the many, many, many songs they have about not being able to get over something or feeling like a burden in someone else's life constantly. This song has a clear shift in feeling though because the uncertainty is definitely present in terms of wanting to still be in love with someone because of a past emotion, but now things seem a bit hazier and they aren't so sure if the feelings are still quite there. This song comes about midway through the album, a really great placement on their part because it signifies perhaps a shift in weather during a one sided relationship and perhaps things will change thereafter. 10. So Tied Up by Cold War Kids and Bishop Briggs - Oftentimes I speculate from an outsider's look at a song, and piece together the meaning in relation to both the music and my own life. In this instance, I didn't really have to do so because the artist actually shared exactly what his intentions were with the meaning behind this song. He said, "With every new relationship, you either talk about previous relationship stuff (warts and all), or you just pretend like they never existed. Both are kinda terrible. When you go the full disclosure route it’s probably sincere, maybe you’re even praised for your vulnerability. However, you know it’s probably gonna be used against you later, in a fight, in the worst way." So that's that, and in terms of the gospel vibes I received from this alt rock song, I am very happy and get really pumped walking down the street to it. 11. Days On A Wire by Case - This instantly gives me the image of watching a movie scene where one person is lovingly thinking about another and kind of like sitting on a train looking out the window and considering their feelings, all wrapped up in desire. So now that I have shared my mental scene, let me explain that the really awesome acoustic with horns sounds that are produced in this piece add to the love song vibes that is perceived while listening. Also, the singer's voice is super dreamy and light, at some points seeming like barely more than a whisper of phrases, adding to the whimsical elements involved in the song. Actually, the horns in this song kind of act as a guitar usually would in terms of a melodic riff that occurs between verses and choruses, and I love this difference of instruments, a unique sound. 12. In The Morning I'll Be Better by Tennis - Taking some else's pain away is the hardest thing to do, especially when it's something not curable by care and devotion on it's own, but that's precisely what the artist is intending to say in this piece, which is tragically beautiful. So originally, I perceived this to be about someone's mental anguish and a relationship of sorts attempting to remedy this suffering by acceptance and love. In fact, this is not what the artist meant, but it's still a cool interpretation if I do say so myself. It was revealed that the writer's friend was deemed terminally ill and this was their way of processing the emotions that go into realizing that someone is most likely not going to get better. It is a love song that goes beyond love, but more about the wanting to take someone's pain and endure it so they don't have to. 13. Clueless by The Marías - Yes, yes, yes. My exact thoughts when seeing that this group came out with new music, when listening to the first few bars of the song, and then again when hearing the song two full times through (once for sound and another for words and meaning). The palpable tension heard in the song is so real for so many people when having an argument and to match the tension is the dialoguing throughout that basically says they can't handle the ups and downs going through the relationship anymore. I read that this was inspired by a spat between the vocalist and her significant other, drummer-producer Josh Conway. This revelation was incredible because imagine being in a band and a relationship with someone and having to create music while a major fight is going on. Me neither. 14. Running by Nicotine's Famous Honey - If I could title this anything other than what it is, I would title it "The Art of Just Barely Getting By In Our Fucked Up World" but that would not be as aesthetic as this aptly titled name. In the past, I have publicly argued against certain styles of music, simply because I knew less about music and didn't listen to enough genres on a regular basis. I am still trying to broaden my horizons, especially in terms of R&B and the Hip Hop genre in general, but this under emphasized artist is such a beautiful example of taking one genre that is criticized for being cliched and overdone and taking it to a whole different level. I love this combination of dream-pop, low-fi indie and hip hop and R&B all in one piece, and if you haven't looked into them, definitely check out some of their other music, it is so enticing. 15. Weird Honey by Elvis Depressedly - I'm taking the meaning of this song entirely from the artist because I think it can be interpreted a hundred different ways, depending on who you are thinking about while listening to it and what kind of mental state you are in too. Also we love to see an iconic guitar riff thrown in sporadically to a pretty sad low fi rock song, so that's a pretty cool spot in hell. The meaning though: "I lied before. It’s just an homage to Jesus and Mary Chain, and has no direct meaning. This is a love song so it could be seen as a pet name, or even a symbol of a love that is strange and new but full of sweetness. I find it incredibly strange that so many people have interpreted this song to be so negative, or even a break up song, when it’s the opposite. It’s a song about new love." There you have it. 16. Wings In All Black by Gregory Alan Isakov - If you are looking for an acoustic folk artist who puts emphasis on literally every single word and note of a song, look no further, he is right here, and also in my soul forever. Hailing from his brand new album, is this gem which sinks your heart to your stomach almost immediately upon listening. I believe this to be about having to rise up out of a really dark time in your life, despite not wanting to, the fact that instead of feeding the beast of loss, you have to grow wings of your own and fight against the demons you are experiencing. The image of having "wings in black" is a nod to the struggle between staying down in a bad place and having to come out of it no matter how impossible it seems at the time. I am now noticing a lot of these songs have to do with dealing with loss and mental health day by day, which is very important. 17. Should I by Arum Rae - I have to give entire props and credits for this song to my wonderful mother, who is always good for sending me songs to listen to on a weekly basis. Particularly, I first heard this song on my ferry ride home to New Jersey for the first time since leaving for college this year, so it has earned a really special place in my heart for the year. The piano is so present in this song, which as I have mentioned in previous posts, you don't get to see a lot in newer slow songs, which have become taken over by guitar a lot of the times. Also, Rae's voice questioning her every move and overthinking all her choices for the future is so heart felt and honest that you can't help but empathize with these feelings. The message of the song is maybe taking things one step at a time is the healthiest thing you can do when things get overwhelming in life. Yes. 18. How by Daughter - Ok, so finding out that most of the songs I have chosen for this week's mix surround the topics of loss and grieving past versions of self has become super illuminating in terms of my own maturation process. Staying topic though, this group always sheds light on the painful emotions rather than the pleasurable ones, which sometimes creates a dreary mood, but I like to view it as not being afraid to voice some negativity in order to clear it out of one's mind, which many people are apprehensive to do. This song describes pain as being in slow motion and I can't explain why that is true, but it is. The lines "hold me back, hold me back" in reference to wanting to go get someone that they have lost is so crucial to the theme of the song which is moving on from something while still having regrets in regards to the situation, feeling cheated or let down by someone. 19. Killer by Phoebe Bridgers - This playlist began with this song all by it's lonesome, but all along I knew that the rest of the pieces would be built around this, so I guess this has to be the reason why all the songs are so deeply related with one another. You may be thinking, wow I can't believe this song is about one's own death, this is really morose and ominous. Yes, I totally agree and think that it's really sad and death related, but knowing that it goes deeper than that is really vital to appreciating it's beauty. This is about a relationship being buried away and while doing so, dredging up all the past memories of loving a person. There is no remedy for knowing that two people are too much for one another, but this soulful lament is definitely a start. Also, Bridgers has noted that this song is in reference to Ryan Adams, famed songwriter who had a short fling with her when she was pretty young. 20. WALLS by Kings Of Leon - I did this on purpose, I made the first and last song both titled "walls" for a particular reason. I think they both serve very different purposes and perspectives to the metaphorical walls that are being broken down and simultaneously built up within a relationship. In the covered song that the Lumineers did, we see a shift to a more positive message of hearts having walls and climbing them is a struggle, but that it is worth it for the love we get to experience on the other side of it. In contrast, this very low tempo song (especially for Kings of Leon) is about kind of the exact opposite. This is about a man's ego being utterly shattered, exemplifying walls being torn down, in order to love a woman who just took his heart with her when she left. I don't think it's all sad though; I think this experience of walls coming down around someone to experience true loss of a person is so important for personal growth and strength. Thanks for listening and reading into things really deeply with me, catch you next week! Love & Listening,

Julia 

[siantakesphotos]

Interview with John Floreani [Trophy Eyes]

August 3rd saw the release of Trophy Eyesthird full-length release ‘The American Dream’ and they left fans in awe at the lack of creative boundaries the band had presented to themselves. We sat down with lead singer JohnFloreaniafter the world premier release to discuss the old, the new and what really is The American Dream.

“what better way to start this next chapter of the new story than to close the book on the old story”

The album begins with a huge track titled ‘Autumn’which features the line ‘don’t let these sad songs rot your brain’ which further signifying the bands’ growth on this new record. John told us, “Each record is kind of a story. In the beginning, it was quite angsty and now if you listen, it is quite relaxed, optimistic, and you know – what better way to start this next chapter of the new story than to close the book on the old story? I guess that was more the idea behind it, was to move forward in the story.” The two intimate shows they did recently in Sydney and Melbourne showed not the band abandoning their roots, but closing the book on that part of their musical history. Although the growth is evident in this new release, there are still distinct Trophy Eyes elements scattered throughout the record.

‘The American Dream’ became exactly that, as singer John has been the majority of the writing process living in Texas in America. It was after the first round of demos were recorded that John realised“I wanted to make the record sound like the time and space I was in … and that was Texas”which is definitely visible in tracks such as ‘Cotton Candy Sky’ “so you know, hot summers nights, fireflies, classic rock, Honkey Tonk bars – all those kind of things” John continued. Authenticity has always been crucial in the musical process for the band too, “I wanted to incorporate all those different sounds and put them into music. Like I said [at the premier] and like I always do, I wanted to make it sound genuine and from an honest place.”

The album vibes this massive cinematic feel especially on tracks such as ‘Something Bigger Than This’ and ‘I Can Feel It Calling’, which makes the band decision to release it to the world in a cinematic premier so fitting. However, the band had been planning a release like this since the creation of Chemical Miracle. “We weren’t big enough with the release of Chemical Miracle, or at least successful enough to put an event like that together. So, this time we grew a little bit from the last record and decided okay it’s time to share the record to the world like that” John said, “I just kind of just wanted to put everyone together in a space and the whole record store thing is so overdone so I wanted to do something fresh, something new, so ‘let’s put everyone in a cinema and if we are in a cinema let’s make some visuals to go with it’.”

“it was time to make music my life – make it my goal”

Despite the overarching theme of John’s time in America, the album also features a track named after Sydney’s own Lavender Bay. The song is an epic sing-a-long with a chorus chant that goes ‘I won’t sleep until Sydney knows my name / I just wanna see my name light up the streets / Or it was all for nothing, all for nothing.’ Knowing Trophy Eyes are technically classed as a Newcastle band, I asked John about the sentimental value behind Sydney’s own Lavender Bay.“As I joined a band and started playing music I grew apart from my old friends as it was a bad space to be creative. Those people were the kinda of people to be like ‘oh John’s in a band’ you know what I mean? So I ended up leaving Newcastle as I felt nothing was there for me anymore” explained John. “I decided if I was to not speak to these people because of music it was time to make music my life – make it my goal. I moved to Milsons Point, Bianca, my girlfriend and I would always walk past Lavender Bay and be like ‘one day I’m going to move there.’ I wanted to one day get there and achieve that thing.” Epitomising Lavender Bay – the song and the place – as not only an absolute banger of a song, but almost an optimistic anthem about pursuing your dreams. I think it really won’t be longer after this release until Sydney definitely knows Trophy Eyes’ name.

“as you get older you grow”

Leading on from the cinematic release and overall huge vibe from the album it’s no wonder that Trophy Eyes are about to embark on one of the biggest headliner tours to date. This change of sound was natural for the band John stated, “There was no like, ‘ooo let’s sit down and write something that sounds different’ it was just what happened no.” After multiple laps around the country and tours through the UK and the USA the band has attributed the growth of this record also to personal experience. “We are all older, we have all travelled the world a bit, we have seen more, we have learned more, we have experienced more things and with more subjects and different kinds of music and as you get older you grow.”

“We were never gonna write a pop punk record or something so pigeon holed and overly policed – that just sounded so boring to me”

Bands often fear a sound change and the reception the audience will have to it, but Trophy Eyes felt that the whole process of creating ‘The American Dream’ was free and liberating. “I [John] sat down in my room in Texas, and started writing songs and that’s how they came out. The thought process was never to be, or to write to, a specific genre. We were never gonna write a pop punk record or something so pigeon holed and overly policed – that just sounded so boring to me. So, we sat down and created our own.” ‘The American Dream’ also highlights vocalist John Floreani’svocal range – traditionally only seen in his side project Little Brother. Questioning whether the success of his solo work had inspired the inclusion of more clean singing John noted, “When I’m writing something I am wanting to hear the best version of that. So you know, back in the day when wrote our first songs, they were fast and they were heavy and if I was singing cleanly over that it would have sounded quite funny.” John also teased the release of new Little Brother music saying “I’ve recorded it and it’s been mixed/mastered already and it’s a strange collection of songs. It’s gonna be out by the end of this year or maybe early next year and I’m sure some single will pop out before then. It’s nothing like the last single either I don’t think. Maybe one or two songs like that but yeah, I think it will be quite different and quite a surprise for everybody.”

John teased that the upcoming tour will be like nothing before, stating “we are aiming to make this more of an experience than a concert. So hopefully there’s gonna be some new production, some lights and we will overall submerse the audience in the record.” Along with the burning question of who will supports be, which has now been announced to be Dear Seattle,Maddy Janeand Stumps. We also had to address the elephant in the room, will the iconic outfit that Floreani fronted in the ‘Friday Forever’ video be making a comeback on tour? John could only give us this response “hahaha, maybe who knows. Maybe we’ll make it some merch, maybe I’ll wear it on stage, who knows. I guess you’ll just have to come and see to find out.”