#and i feel so down and hopeless. i can't make myself feel excited about things. i have hardly any motivation

[lovelaceisntdead]

i think i just need to rewatch lost.

[unmaskingdisability]

So you want to die (but shouldn't do that)

A list of ways I force myself to keep going even when my entire body is on fire & my brain feels like it's going through a cheese grater

MAKE A PLAN WITH SOMEONE YOU ACTUALLY LIKE - Not a friend you have to gear yourself up to hang out with. A good friend, that will cost low spoons, and plan to do something you enjoy. Nothing extravagant that requires a lot of energy, and it doesn't even have to be in the imminent future. Make a dinner plan for next week and think about that lilac lemonade you've been wanting to make for them. Make a plan to hang out later this month and watch anime with your friend that's good at bullshitting and making you laugh. You won't want to do this when you can't imagine leaving your bed. Do it anyways.

DRAG YOUR EXHAUSTED ASS OUTSIDE - Dress in as many layers as you need or just wrapped in a blanket. Wear sunglasses and headphones if you need. Don't force yourself to do anything, except being outside for at least a few minutes. Sometimes it's cold and wet and all I can handle is walking out for a minute. Sometimes it's warmer and pleasant and now I'm exhausted slumped in the sun or under a pine tree instead of in a dark dirty (mine is anyways bc of the wanting to die and pain) room

VENT - Look I'm the master hypocrite. I run a disability group and I still haven't told pretty much anyone in my life I had to quit my job after my body broke down too far too fast. I advocate emotional vulnerability all day and will legitimately enact it constantly, about everything except how fucking miserable and hopeless and depressed and in pain and scared I am. You don't want to tell anyone because you're convinced they already hate you or are about to leave. I'm not gonna say you need to get over that tonight. But you gotta get it out of your head and your muscles and your body. You've gotta write or draw or splash paint (I will literally fingerpaint just colors sometimes) or hack up invasive plants or make poetry or cry to the person you do feel comfortable talking to. You've gotta get it out You've gotta get it out and also! If being honest about your life and difficulties does push people away fuck them!! Community is everything and that's something they never were, so it's space for something real

GO SOMEWHERE NEW AND BEAUTIFUL - This is one of the hardest things to do when depressed, but if helps so much when you can get yourself somewhere new & exciting and show your brain good things are still happening. For me, this looks like going to a new park, or science/art museum, or to see some pretty lights strung up for the holidays. Nowhere so crowded or busy it'll be too overwhelming, you just need to show your brain everything isn't awful static and get some dopamine pumping.

I'll keep adding to this because I'm full of too much spite and exhaustion and reluctant extreme caring so much to leave you all alone in this shithole

[sandorsubs]

I know this sounds kinda weird and shitty of me to say but I genuinely believe I'm going to shift every night. I've said affirmations for weeks, I've meditated for hours, I pretend I'm in my dr all the time, and I do genuinely believe every single night I will shift, and nothing happens. I have dreams about my dr and I've literally convinced myself I've shifted, I've mini shifted 2 years ago mabey 3 ish and since then, nothing. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, if I'm doing wrong. Every time I get excited to shift I feel a dreading feeling like hopelessness or like somthings just pulling me down and stopping me. I can't explain myself, I was wondering if you know anything that could help or if you've experienced this. Don't feel pressured to reply ofcc, I hope you're doing well ♡♡♡

hiii. let's start one by one. first of all why would it be weird or shitty? you said yourself only the facts but problem is i guess you have hard time to believe it. i know you are very drained when you were writing me. maybe you were hyped up back then. when did that dreading feeling started? and you minishifted before?? that's a shift.

but i can feel your tiredness. stop for a second and breath. are you proud of yourself or are you waiting to "shift" to be proud of yourself? because imagine working for years and never resting. i think that's what shifting became for you. work.

i did a tarot reading and i can tell your focus is on the outcome. how can you disconnect from your reality and shift when all you are thinking is to be "shifted" in this reality. you attached most of your focus and expectation to this reality because you think this reality will make you shift. but that's not true. this reality is just like others. (i have practice for this, called energy conversion box. imagine a storage box or chest. throw every thought you have in the moment: expectations, anxiety, worry, what are you gonna eat tonight, hopelessness. and shut it tight. feel the contentment because you don't own those negative thoughts and emotions, they just linger with you like energy vampires.)

most of shifters get tower card, not because everything's gonna be ruined. because they need to demolish whatever they built about shifting (it doesn't mean forget everything you learnt). they need to rebuild. i can't imagine how much stress you felt. you can say "but i believed, i was excited". some emotions and thoughts are more dominant than others. it's okay to feel hopeless or sad. for example think of meeting a new person. you may feel stress and anxiety at first. but when time passes, if you like that person negative emotions would fade away. but if your hopelessness stays dominant how can you ignore that?

so how can you rebuild concept of shifting for yourself? you said you minishifted, that's a shift. "but it's not ☝️😥" come on you worked more than i did in my whole life. give yourself credit.

so how was your shifts? now stop for a second and imagine shifting to your dr. can you spot differences between two occurrences? no you can't. only difference is you tag one of them "real" because that's a memory and you accept the other one "fantasy in your head". you may heard about law of assumption. you shifted million times before but just because you didn't tag them as "memory" they are not real for you. i know this may not be easiest thing to accept but doesn't memories give us constant emotions like if it's embarrassing memory you keep feeling that emotion. same with that dreading feeling, it radiates bad emotions and effects you like a cursed item. imagine using this hack for your benefit. imagining it in 4d will give you exact feelings as a memory. does it matter if it's real or not? your assumption makes it real.

law of assumption is chill, relaxing and probably will give you the comfort you have been craving for three years. you are really master shifter and whatever you assume becomes your reality. all these words are blunt until you gave them a meaning and use. don't hear them but also think about them and write down what you feel. trust me bad emotions will come to the surface. get rid of them and clean your mind from trashes.

say most triggering affirmations to yourself (this is important practice because i see you have hard time to write you believed you'll shift). by triggering i don't mean bad stuff. "i shift in seconds" for example. there may be voice in your head saying "noo you don't" see? that's not triggering you, that's triggering a trash. it's not your "inner" voice or thought.

because we don't own thoughts or emotions, they came to us and we choose to accept them or not. you are not body and not your mind. take out the trash. but hey never force yourself to do this or don't push hard. take it easy because those trash voices are really bitchy but they'll go away

start by noticing shifts in your life. this is also a reality. do you put waking up in here a pedestal? did you manifest things before? let me tell you, in a reality every desire is same. we are the one making them seem impossible in our eyes. manifesting your favourite dinner and being a master shifter is same. or becoming a billionaire. we make them seem hard if that's carved in our minds. you don't need to make 100k affirmations weekly or meditate for hours. think you are in your dr and you are there. "but i'm not-" use affirmations when you hear this demotivating voice.

memories = scenario you made in your head = dreams

they are all fuzzy and lack of detail. you give them tags and define what's real. and that's how you keep shifting to a reality where that memory has consequences. so that means you don't have to accept all those shifting "attempts" you had as a failure. because just like how imagining in 4d make it as real as a memory, it's also the opposite. fails are in your head. you can tag whatever you want real depends they serve your reality. come on you script for your dr, since "cr" is also a reality what makes you think you can't script here?

don't try to deceive yourself like "okay i'll imagine myself in my 4d so that will make me shift". would you think that if you believed you shifted? law knows your deepest assumptions so hehe. this is soo long and i really felt your pain. i hope i helped you somehow read, ponder, journal, ask if you have questions. take care :)) and don't push yourself too hard like "i have to lock in law of assumption now". byee 🩷

[peach-and-bugs]

To celebrate Taylor Swift releasing her international tour dates (which I personally am super excited for, and have every intention of going), would like to ask (if you want to of course), who out of all of the Yellow Jackets (modern day and/or 90's, it's up to you) would be Swifties?

Maybe as a bonus, what would there favourite song or album be?

-🐝

oh, this is another fun one! I love assigning random things to the girls, lol.

Honestly, I think all of the girls would enjoy/casually listen to Taylor, but if we're talking about who is a Swiftie:

it's Jackie, Misty, and maybe Shauna. But the ultimate, head Swfity of the group is definitely Laura Lee

But let's do albums and songs! This is solely just based on my taste and how I view things. I'm not really on the level of being a Swifty myself, but I am a causal Tayler enjoyer if that makes sense.

All of these are with the teen/1996 version of the girls in mind, btw. you can think of it as a modern Au if you like

Yellowjackets Favorite Taylor Swift Albums & Songs

Jackie - 1989

✰ 1989 is probably one of, if not my favorite album because I got it for Christmas the year it came out on cd, which I still have actually! I used to blast it on the vintage boombox I had growing up

✰ but back to Jackie! 1989 just has this vibe of "I'm really going out and I'm starting my life! I'm an adult!" and that was kinda the stage Jackie was at when the plane went down. She was planning for college with big dreams and ambitions behind her

✰ I really think every song on this album fits her for different reasons, but I think her favorite song would probably be How You Get The Girl. I like to think she imagines the song with Jeff, but then one day, Shauna slips into her daydream instead of Jeff, and then very gay thoughts ensue

Laura Lee - Debut & Fearless

✰ I feel like Debut for Laura Lee might be a bit of a copout, but come on! I'm not wrong. It's got that kitschy, country vibe that I can imagine Laura Lee just singing her heart out too

✰ Her favorite song is Teardrops On My Guitar because its the best and girly deserves her pining main character moment just like we all do

✰ Fearless always kinda goes hand in hand with Debut to me since it's when she was still kinda in her country era, so I think Laura Lee would also adore this one. It was actually tricky for me to choose what her favorite on this album would be, but I settles on Tell Me Why because I think it's funny for her to love breakup songs, because let's face it, our girl hasn't gone through a breakup, but she can't help resonating and loving them anyway

Lottie - Evermore

✰ Evermore just felt like another given. It's got that vintage yet whimsical vibe that I like to associate with Lottie that's also got this sad warmth to it I guess. It's also probably one of my favorite albums so of course I give it to one of my favorite girls

✰ I think her favorite song is a tie between Ivy and Long Story Short. I'm not really sure why. They just both fit in my head I guess

Misty - Lover & Midnights

✰ Oh, my sweet hopeless romantic. Misty is the embodiment of both of these albums and no one can argue with me (of course you can, I'm joking). But poor thing just wants to be seen and loved, and I think that's what these albums embody when paired together.

✰ Lover perfectly fits how Misty wants to be loved so bad and the sweet, innocent positive face she forces, but really she's hurting inside. I think from this album her favorites would be The Archer because come on, it's her, and Paper Rings because again, it just fits her so well (it's also got quite a few lines that are definitely what she's doing when she's got a crush)! She's definitely one of those girls making little origami things in class, like those puffy paper stars and of course, paper rings

✰ Then you have Midnights, which imma be real, I only picked because of Mastermind, because it's also her song!

Natalie - Reputation

✰ Yeah, this is another given. I mean, what else do I choose for her? modern teen Natalie would love this album but she wouldn't want anyone to know about it. I think she could also be a Swiftey, but she's very secretive about it. Maybe only Laura Lee knows she's a fan and it's their little secret together

✰ Her favorite song was kinda hard to pick for her, but I settled on Delicate because it's actually extremely fitting for her character, which surprised me when I listened to it again. I personally see teen Natalie as being pretty self continue under the surface, so realizing that she likes someone and they like her back would actually be pretty nerve-wracking for her, which feels fitting for "delicate"

Shauna - Folklore

✰ I went back and forth between Evermore and Folklore for Shauna, but ultimately Lottie is Evermore and Shauna is Folklore in my mind. They both have this sad, old aesthetic to me that fits both albums but in a different way, I guess

✰ but for her favorite song, I picked Cardigan because that felt like another given. I mean, we all saw the way she was watching Jackie at that part pre-crash, right? It was full of that longing you feel In Cardigan

Taissa - Red

✰ I feel like Tai would enjoy early Taylor, but she's more into her kinda pop era, which would make Red the perfect album for her. It's got its up songs as well as its down songs and it fits her ever-changing vibe, which I think is good for her

✰ Choosing a favorite song was another tough one to think about, but I ended up picking State of Grace. It's another one that I don't have a lot of reasoning/explanation for, but it just kinda felt right, y'know?

Van - Speak Now

✰ Van has always felt somewhat country to me and I'm not sure why, so I guess that's fitting for Speak Now. Speak Now kinda gives a nice transition from country into Taylers more pop-ish era, and that just kinda sounds like Van to me. Like, she grew up in the Midwest, but she still somehow has a little Southern charm about her. That could totally just be a me thing though

✰ Her favorite songs have got to be Mean and The Story Of Us. I can imagine Van blasting both of them in the car, singing at the top of her lungs with the windows down, and a huge smile on her face when she's driving around with her friends. We know Van likely doesn't have a car in her teen years, so she's probably driving with Tai and probably Laura Lee. they like singing together to annoy Tai, though she actually enjoys listening to them

[starberrywander]

I recently figured out that my enneagram type is actually 9w1 and not 1w9. Idk how many of my followers actually care about the Enneagram but this is big news for me because I've been realizing so much stuff from this. It's so exciting!

I started looking into the enneagram as a writing tool, but the podcast I found to learn more about it is focused on personal growth so I've been learning so much more than I expected. One of the things it motivated me to do when I actually narrowed down what my type is and why, is start using a diary.

I'm mainly doing it to become more aware of my own thoughts and emotions. I'm only two days in and I accidentally started writing with the book upsidedown, so now the ribbon bookmark is facing up and I think that's funny. But anyway I wanted to share something I wrote today that just really hit me in the heart,

"I think my discontent with life comes from the fact that I've convinced myself that I want to achieve, but my actual fulfillment comes from being, from experiencing, from connecting. Contentment always feels so far out of reach because I've convinced myself that I am chasing after the completion of goals when I'm actually chasing a state of being."

And just. Wow. That's paraphrased because I don't have my diary with me right now but it made me realize something soo big. I've always been trapped in my imagination, thinking of all these things I wish I could experience but feeling incapable of creating the reality that would bring them to me. And as a result I get into cycles of feeling down and hopeless, sleeping until the emotion goes away, distracting myself with entertainment, remembering injustice and wanting to push back against it, then getting burnt out and depressed by my inability to change anything without sacrificing my connection to the people who are my anchors, and repeating the cycle.

And this time when the depression hit me I decided to just explore it. Write what I was feeling and everything that came to my mind without analyzing it and see where it went. And it just told me right away that I need to stop chasing goals. They aren't fulfilling me. They aren't helping me. They're just distractions and I need to practice just being. Just existing. I can't rely on the external to bring me contentment, that has to come from within. It is impossible to bend reality into perfection to make me happy, but it is possible to change my own patterns to become happier.

This is huge. And it will take time to break my habit of disconnecting. But now I actually am aware of it and of what's going on inside me and that's huge. I wanted to share because this means so much and I need to get it out there. I use my blog as a way of releasing my thoughts into the world and while it may not be as vulnerable as my actual diary this feels like exactly the right place to share this.

[frecklystars]

Wow, 32 asks. Thank you guys so much 😭😭 last night was one of the worst shifts I ever had at work. I feel like i keep reverting back to a year ago when everything was fresh. it's been extraordinarily difficult the past couple of months but it always eases the ache when I read nice messages. it genuinely calms me down a lot when other people tell me it's gonna be ok. so thank you to everyone who took the time to do that for me ;-;

I'm gonna be honest, I feel super hopeless. I am not getting joy from anything right now. Drawing, socializing, watching movies, listening to music, I'm feeling *absolutely nothing*. I am triggered by the SMALLEST fucking things that I thought I was getting better at handling. I'm having trouble wearing skirts again. I'm flinching around the color pink when I was doing SO much better with it. For the last nine days, I haven't gone three hours without having a panic attack. I'm not sleeping. My flashbacks are lasting longer. I'm having out of body experiences again for the first time in almost a year. I feel so hopeless. I told myself one year ago "hey I feel like I'm dying right now my ptsd is so fucking bad but! hey! one year from now, I'll feel better! this will feel so far away from me!" but I don't. I don't feel better. I don't think it's possible to feel better bc I'm too broken. It's been over a year and I don't feel like it's possible for me to make progress.

My Barbie/Ken anniversary is coming up and I was excited for the first couple of weeks, but right now I just... feel absolutely nothing. I am so, so, so severely depressed and my anxiety is getting worse every day. I need help out of my unsafe situation so fucking bad dude it's just gonna kill me. I'm so scared this whole thing is gonna genuinely kill me. I wish I could talk about it but I don't want to scare people but at the same time, it's so bad and it's weighing on me so heavily and I am so fuckign tired of dealing with this every single day

I don't know if I'm gonna go offline or not, bc my problem isn't even online. so... I don't see how being offline would help much. I just feel like I'm supposed to do SOMETHING, literally ANYTHING to feel something. Going offline last time made me feel significantly worse, so maybe that shouldn't be my next step. But I feel nothing when I'm blogging right now. I tried making a Jacob edit the other day and I felt no joy. I want to be filling up my queue for the 21st, all of my Barbie and Ken photos and gifsets. I should be writing Barbie and Ken love notes. I should be making video edits again! but I feel nothing!!! This is the one and only anniversary that actually matters to me this year - sorry to the other 12 Ryan F/Os who have anniversaries but THIS ONE is THE most important one, because these two characters are the F/Os that have helped me the most with my abuse trauma/cptsd. They're the whole reason why I started self shipping again. I want to celebrate that. I want to be excited about it. I am just so fucking numb.

I NEED to feel something for this anniversary, I miss celebrating F/O anniversaries! I don't get to do that anymore since self shipping was ruined for me! Since my main F/Os were ruined for me! I deserve to have a good time with my new F/Os!! I am a good person and I am kind despite all the bullshit I've been through and I work really hard to try to heal from shit! I try to stay positive and I try to help people and I!!! Deserve!! To have a day where I feel good with my F/Os without reliving every single horrifying vile thing that someone did to me! but I feel so empty right now and it hurts! I was excited a couple of weeks ago when I was planning all the activities i was gonna do on the 21st, like a restaurant and a movie and baking and throwing a party with my friends, but now?? Nothing. Absolutely NOTHING in my heart. I feel so goddamn empty. I am so depressed. I really really feel like I can't get better. It's been over a year and I am incapable of healing from my trauma and I don't know what to do about it. I am trying so many things to heal!! I'm going walking, I'm eating way healthier and cutting sugar to see if that helps clear my head a bit more, I'm getting sun, I'm drinking so much water, I'm exercising, I've cut my screen time significantly and reading more often, I'm hanging out with my friends as much as I can, I am trying everything in the book and I feel like a zombie just sitting here and rotting to death, going through the motions and reliving my trauma in my head over and over and over and over and over and over again and I can't get any fucking peace. It's like everybody in the world is living their days while the planet is spinning but I am stuck in the same spot reliving the most horrific bullshit imaginable over and over and over. I feel like I've lost almost 2 years of my life to trauma. I don't feel like I've aged, I feel like everything happened yesterday. I feel like I'm stuck in one spot while everybody else is walking forward and I can't move.

Sorry to ramble I didn't mean to turn this into a vent post but idk what else to do. I don't know if I should go offline on my actual anniversary or maybe a couple of days leading up to it?? Or maybe I'm supposed to BE online and blog about the F/Os to see if that helps me feel better?? Being offline made me feel worse. But being online isn't helping me either. Dude I don't fucking know. I need to work on some crafts or something. I need to make a BarbieLand diorama and paint it. I'm gonna bake heart shaped cookies for the first time this weekend. I'm gonna invite my friends over and we're gonna have a party on Sunday and watch the Barbie movie together. I don't know what else to do but I have to just... keep trying I guess even though I feel nothing while doing these things, it's better than doing nothing

If anyone has advice or something, it's more than welcome. Or even just a "wow, that's rough, buddy". I'm sorry for being negative, I try to remain positive on this hellsite but it's so hard right now. Thank you again to everyone who wrote me a nice message last night when I was hurting. I'm sorry I'm gonna probably be asking for encouraging messages a few more times in the next few weeks bc supportive messages are the only things that have been effectively (affectively?) helping me lately

[mambalae-s]

hi hi mamba, i want to start this off with a congrats and a thank you so much for putting in the work and the energy to do this event. i really appreciate it so much and i'm so so proud of you. you're doing wonderful, darling !

for your event, i actually can't decide myself so i'm going to give you the choice to pick for me between toji and satoru from jjk - (i really really hope you're not indecisive and are able to work well under pressure ! but you can let me know if you need me to choose one);

this might need a bit of a trigger warning, but something i'm still learning to love about myself is my weight and my body. i kinda struggle with my eating habits a little bit sometimes and i won't go into detail but it's something that i'm working on :)

as far as my personality goes, i would describe myself as someone who speaks her mind and usually doesn't hold back from doing so (mostly bc i think honesty is the best policy in any kind of relationship). and um this might be kind of contradicting, but at the same time i also isolate myself from loved ones when i'm feeling down or pressured and keep everything to myself bc i don't like arguing/conflict. my friends describe me as having a sarcastic sense of humour and say that i roll my eyes a lot but they also think i'm very very sweet because i flirt with them often just for fun hehe. i'm mostly an introvert because i need to have my alone time but when i'm feeling charged then i'm able to make friends very very quickly. and my dad says it's because i'm empathetic and always know what to say when it comes to ppl hehe. (ahh this is getting too long... i just love talking about myself. i'll try wrapping it up quickly!) some other things you should know about me: i'm a hopeless romantic, don't like horror, am a total daydreamer, i write romance, fanfiction, and poetry, pink is my favourite colour, i'm a lipgloss/lipstick addict (and collect them for fun even when i don't need them), spring is my favourite season, my love language is physical touch, i'm an infp, and if it's important for the moodboard i'm south asian!

let's keep this sfw for ease, so i'll end it by describing my dream date with both men. you can then choose which one you'll do!

1. i know satoru's really really tall, but i just picture toji being taller and bigger in my head so i have this headcanon that i'm like half his size (for reference, i'm 5'3-ish) and in my head we are just grumpy x sunshine couple all the way. dream date with toji would be us going to the amusement park (my fav place on earth) and just being kids tbh. i'd force him to wear cutesy animal headbands and ride the rollercoaster and the ferris wheel with me and we'd stand in long long lines just talking and he would probably whine and complain about everything but he'd put up with it for me (also i'd probably manipulate him with my big eyes and my own bratty attitude ^^)

2. with satoru, i feel like since he's pretty childish in a relationship, i'd definitely act more bossy/mature with him as a result. (he'd look so pretty taking orders, wouldn't he?) dream date with satoru would just be a stay at home date. we'd start off by cooking dinner and dessert together, then have a spa night, and end it by doing a disney movie marathon together. he's so money i just have the urge to show him that we can do things without spending so much or going out to fancy restaurants and stuff.

anyway, i'm sorry for making this so long. as you can tell, i'm a talker. i'll leave the choice up to you for which boy to pick, but i just want to say thank you in advance. i love u sm mamba. congrats again baby doll <33

my beloved safi!! my dearest angel!! i’m so so soooo excited to do your request!! genuinely kicked my feet and did a little dancy dance when i saw your ask and i started searching for your pics as early as 4am before work! as soon as you mentioned sunshine x grumpy, you’d gotten me on team toji! im gonna make the prettiest, cutest, sweetest boards and scenarios for you, because you truly are as bright as the sun and you deserve the world! hugging you sooooo warmly!

also please don’t feel bad for telling me as much as you did!’ it makes me happy to learn about you all during these little events!

╰┈➤ cherry blossom lips — safi x toji

╰┈➤ song — pov by ariana grande

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 one of the first things that really drew toji to you was your smile. he finds the way your eyes light up and crinkle ever so slightly ever so enchanting. he’s so entirely enraptured, you have no idea just how much!

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 i’ve said this for others as well, but toji’s also the kind of lover who is very attentive to you and your likes. i also think that he spoils you quite a bit! he’ll take note of your collection of lipglosses and lipsticks and whenever he’s out, he always keeps his eyes open for ones that he thinks you’ll like.

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 if you only ask him once, he’ll help you pick out a lovely combination for your days and contemplates very intensely on what look he thinks would work well! he’s very involved surprisingly and loves to see the way you switch things up every now and then, and finds it really cute when you keep returning to favourites time and time again.

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 i also think he’d be very playful and loves to kiss your glossy lips, if only to taste the sweet flavours as he licks the tint from his own lips, keeping his eyes locked on yours with your chin between his fingers as he tells you how sweet you taste.

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 he’s very perceptive to you and your feelings and always looks out for you as best as he can. he knows just how much you care for others around him, and him especially, always making sure that he’s alright, asking him about his day and of anything that he may have on his mind.

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 he might not be very vocal about it, but his way of reassuring you is at first to pull you in for a long hug. he rests his chin on top of your head and just holds you close to him, hands stroking your back and waist and taking slow, deep breaths so that you’ll follow his lead. especially during moments when he notices you quietly hurting, he’ll always mutter loving reassurances that he’s here for you, and that you don’t have to push yourself to talk to him until you’re ready — just know that he’s there for you

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 he also knows how much you try to show yourself love, especially when it comes to your body. toji can tell whenever you’re having a hard time showing yourself the love he feels for you, and his way of reminding you of that love is by initiating physical contact in very intimate ways!

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 not intimate as in sexual, but he’ll lay down with you and shower your entire body with kisses, reaching beneath your clothes with his fingers and taking his time to let each kiss linger, with little whispers of everything he loves, every part of you that you’re still learning to love on yourself. like i said, he’s extremely intentional, so know that all of those kisses and light touches are overflowing with love he feels deep inside his heart, because he’ll be there to love you until — and even after — you’ve fully grown to love yourself the way he does

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 when you ask him one day to visit an amusement park with you, he doesn’t think twice about saying yes! sure, he might act like he has zero interest in wearing those cute headbands with you, but he’d do anything just to make you happy!

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 sure, he’ll say that it won’t look good on him and that it’ll make him look silly, but how can he say no to those pleading eyes and pouty lips of yours? in the end, he’ll let you stuff his mouth full of cotton candy and grumble as you set cute mickey mouse ears atop his head — and don’t tell anyone, but he melts like putty at the way you light up and boop his nose, a little red faced as you tell him how cute he looks

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 he’ll even match with you to wear pink themed outfits! if it’s a colder time of the year when you both go, he’ll buy you both pink lilo onesies ahead of time so that you can wear them together! absolutely loves the pictures you both take and sets them as your contact photo, his wallpaper, all so that he can see the way you smile at the camera while his soft gaze is trained on you

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 now this is a secret, but toji gets a little squeamish in high places, so he’s a little nervous at first about going on the roller coasters and ferris wheels, but it’s all so worth it as he gets to hear your joyful squeals and laughter, watching your eyes crinkle as you belt out all these happy noises. the fact that you’re enjoying yourself makes him all the more pleased and he takes his own enjoyment purely from you.

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 he knows how you love the romantic things in life, so he takes you to the biggest ferris wheel in the park at night when all the lights shine like colourful stars. he wraps his arm around you and admires you admiring the scene around you, leaning into his embrace and just taking in the moment. he can’t stop himself from thinking just how precious you are to him, how much he loves you, and would absolutely tear the world apart to keep you safe.

𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪 when your cart reaches the highest point of the ride, he lets himself go and pulls you in for a sweet kiss, letting it last for seconds that feel like years and mere moments to him as he drinks you in for all that you are, pouring into you every poem he’s secretly written in his heart for you. he whispers to you how much you love him, “until the end of time, safi… i’ll always love you, even after then.”

mamba celebrates 100 followers — jjk and haikyuu selfship event!

[ed1999e]

Bipolaria

I feel dirty and broken when I open my eyes in the morning. Physical nausea and hateful feeling running like cold water on my shoulders. The weight of the wave of hopelessness that hits me gives my body physical and I get physical symptoms such as currents in my back, nausea, stiffness in my neck and shoulders. I can feel my ribs move when I breathe. The nights feel like I'm sailing on a boat that has rocked all night. Waking up tired. If I have had dreams that are visual I wake up exhausted. Drenched in sweat in the middle of the night. I dream so intensely that my soul feels empty in the first hours of the day, which means that both I and other strangers around me can notice that I am down. I feel helpless. When I look in the mirror I get tears in my eyes. I hate the mirror. becomes dizzy. Everything around me is messy, unsystematic and insanely oddly sorted. I get anxiety. Can't find anything. I panic and my thoughts are at such a speed that I freeze. Eyes hurt. The dark thoughts and visions flash before my eyes. Wants to go to the bathroom to pee, but can't. Everything is locked and I freeze with my gaze while my eyes tremble.

I can't stand the taste of toothpaste and my body gets goosebumps from putting the toothbrush in my mouth. Flashbacks of mucus and saliva, of being spat on and I vomit. My hands are dripping with sweat, I can't draw my brows. I CAN'T DRAW MY EYEBROWS. My sins! The wounds I have scratched on my face from anxiety show through the makeup. Descending into a spiral of stress and anxiety taking over my muscles. The wound is so deep that yellow pus drips from it. The negative voices in my head are so brutal that I want to scream as loud as I can. Walks around like a badger. I feel a sadness that cannot be described in words and a lump in my throat that cannot be swallowed. Disconnect baby, we're not real. Bury me.

Then one day I wake up and feel like a strong person. feeling excited and horny. Intense feeling of having to take care of myself. I shop more. I plan more, I write long notes in my journal. We are talking about big plans here! Let me open something, create something. Give me a task and I attack the target like a hungry tiger. Don't think about it, I'll fix it! I am your strongest supporter, dear friend! My heart is in this. Everyone is welcome on my team. I direct the energy in the room. Everything I look at is so beautiful. Humans are so beautiful. I synchronize with nature, energy and atmosphere. Has been gifted to be in touch with an extraterrestrial frequency and born with the "how hard can it be" gene. Insanely quick to learn new things. Talking to strangers is zero problem. As others have described me - salesman, persuasive, intelligent. Can you feel my heat? I see you, I hear you. Join me in taking over the world, friend. Head up, see such nice trees! I can physically and psychologically feel the butterflies in my stomach explode. Deeply romanticizes the music, obviously it's me they're singing about as I walk through the painfully gorgeous concrete floor someone decided to make. but if I could decide

I hadn't felt anything

at all

for the lovely stone cold concrete floor and for you. Imagine that someone could decide how much they should pour in to create such a beautiful, even, balanced, stable road as this. if only I could decide how much to pour into everything like that

[onlygettingolderbaby]

Saint Levant - Very few friends Perrie Listen, I'm not toxic, I'm broken, baby, or maybe I'm just saying that ?Well the thing is I have very few friends, I'm focused and have very few friends. Self-respect with some green eyes and that sun tan, self-made, now you're self paid with your own plans, your family was so proud of you. I wanna take you to Paris and spoil you, I wanna go to Marseille and enjoy you, I want those guys in your DMs to talk to themselves and then tell all their friends that they know you. I wanna make you forget about your ex, I want you overthinking all your texts, I want the neighbors to hear you yell, told me she's a CEO, I can tell.

Aaryan Shah - Renegade Keep your hands right there, I popped two more, she's in my mind somewhere, won't let my mind go there. I took too much, don't let me drive nowhere, oh, keep your eyes on mine and if you want, I'll tell you lies, tell you I'm yours for life and tell your friend she's next in line. Oh, should've listened to them, don't you know what I am?

Chris Brown - Under the influence Harry You don't know what you did to me, your body language speaks to me. I can make it hurricane on it, hundred bands, make it rain on it, tie it up, put a chain on it. Make you tattoo my name on it, make you cry like a baby, yeah, let's GoPro and make a video. Baby, you can ride it, bring it over to my place, and you be like "Baby, who cares?" but I know you care.

Sonder - What you hear Harry Fuck your mind up, waste time, I'm prone to that, do it all the time. Keep your guard up or wait in line, you don't need me, please believe me. This ain't easy, you know I've been feindin', let me unleash my demons on you. What's the word? Tell me what you've heard. Don't tell me what to do, just tell me when it hurts, when I get you to myself, it's murder. What you mean, you and me? I'm here all by myself. You around, she's around, just be polite and not leave her out. What the fuck you call this? Hopeless, not romantic. I ain't got no kids, so don't be so childish, you be wildin', I be wildin', too, but not like you, shit, maybe a little like you. Maybe we ain't so different, maybe I be trippin', too.

Drake - Trust issues Harry - Louis You know what I'm sipping, I'll teach you how to mix it, but you're the only one cause I don't trust these bitches, they might catch me slipping and put in something different. You acting like it's somebody you don't know, tell me, how the fuck we supposed to stay friends when you got a bunch of feelings that you don't show? I could tell, certain people don't like me no more, new shit don't excite me no more.

PinkPantheress - Boy's a liar pt. 2 Harry Take a look inside your heart, is there any room for me? I won't have to hold my breath 'til you get down on one knee because you only want to hold me when I'm looking good enough. Did you ever feel me? Would you ever picture us? Every time I pull my hair, well, it's only out of fear that you'll find me ugly and one day you'll disappear because what's the point of crying? It was never even love. Did you ever want me? Was I ever good enough? Baby, please, I just want to look nice for you, come stay with me, oh, you're not around, so what should I do? I thought you liked the look about a boy just like me, baby, please, I know you want to change me.

SZA - Low Harry I'm fuckin', I ain't makin' love no more, you got a new bitch, what the fuck you cryin' for? I'm movin' selfish, callin' all my favorite hoes. You know how to reach me every time and it plays in your mind with a rush that feels like, we committin' a crime. You know where you belong, I'm gon' save you a spot, but we can't be outside 'cause the block is too hot, and I'm all on your mind. Wherever you are, don't call me! Got another side of me, I like to get it poppin' but these bitches in my business got me out here choosin' violence. If you see me out in public, you don't know me, keep it silent, in the bedroom, I be screamin', but outside, I keep it quiet.

Chase Atlantic - Into it I've been on the road since I was sixteen, they don't really notice how I see things, these girls they come and go between my bedsheets. And I've been doing blue and causing big scenes, yeah, pull up and I'm higher than the big trees, yeah. She don't really like it but she needs me, she saying she don't really miss me, but fuck it, now I'm faded after all things. But I'm into it, say she wanna fuck me later, girl, I'm into it. This mental pressure got me popping pills and shit, but I'm into it, I'm getting way too deep, I'm fucking into it.

The Weeknd - Coming down Perrie I got something to tell you but don't know how I'ma say it, I guess that I could only say one thing, girl, I been bad again. 'Cause with this money comes problems and with these problems comes solutions and I use 'em. When I'm faded I forget what you mean to me, hope you know what you mean to me. The party's finished and I want you to know (I'm all alone) I'm feelin' everything before I got up. I always want you when I'm coming down, poppin' again, I tried to quit again, I'm always tight with something I begin. That's why my boys got me to the end, supply what I take, I take what I spend, baby. I ain't lied to nobody but me, and you, and me, but you especially.

Megan Thee Stallion - B.A.S Harry - Perrie He lyin' to me when he know he ain't got to, when I'm with my girl, I block you. Been fuckin' for years, you know what it is, you know what I want when I call you. Hoes ain't spare me, why would I spare them?With a bad bitch, I'm not sharin' him. Ay, we ain't together, but we together, I hope nobody don't catch us. / She lyin' to me, stop lyin' to me, that boy you're fuckin' not hotter than me. Bitch, don't come cryin' to me, fuck it, guess we both ain't shit. Who the fuck you was with last night? Don't care, so you don't gotta lie, I know she miss me, she got too much pride.

The Kid Laroi - Nights like this Harry Hold my hand until we turn to ashes, love me 'til they put me in my casket. I got all these feelings that I'm maskin', can I lay it on you? That's what I'm askin'. Red wine kissin' in the house that your parents got for you, rented, how'd you forget it? I think about you and nothin' else so if you would just come over, I could show you for myself. And it's nights like this when I need your love, when I need someone that'll heal my soul, it's nights like this.

Ryan Beatty - Bruise Harry Give me the chance and I could read you the stories, burning the books because life fucking bores me. So she's out there slow dancing to the song and we're in the boys bathroom, making out, yeah. Boy in jeans with the bleach blonde imagery, 1995 fantasy. Do your thing, fuck it up, feel the melody, dance with me. Pony boy ride on me, in my dreams, in my fucking dreams. Now she's crying on my shoulder cause I left her alone, I'm selfish, cause all I can think about is you. Super star, I wanna feel you shine on me, and he dances, and he dances, and he dances. That's my man, in my dreams, in my fucking dreams.

ZAYN - She don't love me Perrie I need you, I don't, I question myself all the time, asking what, I don't know. It's kinda hard to walk right when you're walking on my left, with your high heels on, and your sexy ass dress. I see you talking on your phone, wish I could get you on your own, but I've seen you gone over love. I think I know she don't love me, that's why I fuck around. I want you, I don't, I question myself all the time, asking why.

[d3n4sh1aaaa]

Tuesday May 14, 2024. 10:03pm

i don't remember the last time i had a connection, a true genuine connection with another human being. The feeling you get in your stomach when you hear their name, or how your heart drops down to your feet when you seem them approaching from the distance. The excitement and impatient feeling when you know that they're on their way.

i don't remember the last time i had a connection. To look at someone and feel so safe and secure, like nothing or no one can hurt you. Being able to be in your presence, even in complete silence but feel so comfortable, it feels like I'm at peace. To feel like you're home to me. To be able to calm down instantly from having a panic attack just by hearing your voice.. "baby, I'm right here my love."

I don't remember the last time I had a connection. Someone being the first thing i think about when i wake up, and last before i go to sleep. To be able to wake up to corny but sweet "Goodmorning beautiful". texts. Being so excited to facetime someone to talk about everything and absolutely nothing. To listen to our favorite songs and jam out without a care in the world or worried about who's listening.

i remember..

though i remember, how i have felt. The feelings have never been reciprocated. I love and love to the fullest and best of my ability. I put my all and i love so heavy. I love.. but i am not loved. Yes, i remember. Being able to say this person is mine, my person. The love is indescribable. It felt warm and cozy, beautiful and correct. Because i loved.. but was never loved back.

I remember..

finding out what was real, which was nothing. I remember the terrible heartbreak I endured. The constant aches and pains just saying your name. My appetite leaving when you crossed my mind. The feeling of loneliness and hopelessness consistently making it's way around.

i say i healed..

Because i don't love you, anymore. But am i truly healed? I have constant thoughts of how i'm never loved, only lusted. Am i truly healed? i don't have the self confidence, who's going to love me when i can't love and appreciate myself?

I say i'm healed..

i constantly self destruct and degrade myself by surrounding myself around men that only like my body.. but don't desire me on the inside. Am i truly healed? i've shot down people that were the sweetest, and so genuine to me. But i no longer trust a soul to have the ability to have so much control over my feelings and emotions. I refuse. Am i truly healed? i have a constant fear of being left and dropped as if i never mattered.

I say I'm healed..

i crave a certain love i never truly experienced. I haven't had a singular soul that i've held so dearly in my heart, want me the way i wanted them. To be able to have someone just as scared to lose you, to be able to have someone just as in love, excited, emotional, determined, Ect. To be able to go to my person when the world isn't being so kind, but nothing matters because they're your world. Everything else doesn't exist when you're with them.

Maybe.. I'm hurting.. I'm not healed. But, that's okay. Those are capable of giving more love than they've ever received, are given what they deserve back to them 10x more. I know I'm deserving of love, and it's amazing i haven't turned cold hearted just yet. All i want to do is love, with the same given back.

[petrichoraline]

hi petri i'm here just to vent and you can totally just ignore this but last week i finally had a job interview (after so many soooo many days of being rejected or straight up ignored lol) and even though it wasn't a job a really wanted to do i was ready to go, excited even, but then the day before anxiety started getting to me, like from 0 to 100 i started getting these horrible thought about how everything was gonna go wrong and how i always fuck everything up and how i have no future so who fucking cares etc etc (so self depreciating it makes me wanna throw up and hide from shame tbh) (also i'm on antidepressants and anxiolytics in general since a couple of months now and even though at first i noticed nothing i thought they were begining to work on me... i've been in an extremely scary dark place and i really don't wanna go back to that) and i thought i got this interview i thought this was things starting to change but on the day i was supposed to go i literally shut down, idk how to explain it i just couldn't bear getting out of bed or seeing anyone the thought of even interacting with someone paralized me................ i didn't go and it was a bad day, a really bad one, i feel like i'm on square one once again, i couldn't even phone them i'm so embarrassed and disappointed in me and just... i hate myself... i hate this i hate how much it takes from me to do normal fucking things i hate how my body and mind fuck me up all the time and work against me and i'm so weak i can't fight them i just so hopeless and bad and not worthy anyone's time, this illness is taking so much from me, it's been years and it keeps happening....... sorry for this i needed to let it out and you seem like an honest kind person....... sorry

hey love 💕

now, excuse me if my response is a bit all over the place, i am tired but i insist on answering this as soon as possible <3

first, i am touched that you find me a safe enough person to go to and your words mean a lot to me, thank you for that 💓 sometimes it feels like you can't share with people around you and you need an outlet so i understand. i have welcomed similar messages in the past so i see why you would come to me :) you say you want to vent but i will express my thoughts and advice which you can feel just as free to ignore.

i get that feeling that comes with failing an agreement and then dreading the consequences, wanting to own up to it but not feeling able to pick up the phone. it's an awful awful thing to go through and i feel for you. it is something that you must do, though, at least that's how I see it. even aside from possible benefit for yourself, you have to express respect towards the team for their time and the opportunity. i know it sucks, I know you're contemplating all the possible responses but trust me, it's one call that can make a big change. even if the offer is off the table, you will be more at peace, I guarantee it. they can be mean about it (though professionalism will make them snarky at best) but chances are they have no clue why you didn't show up so they could just as easily just be worried and confused rather than angry. you have the chance to sincerely apologise and thank them and you will not know what they think unless you talk to them. for such calls i get myself some water, breathe a lot, chant encouragements and dial the number. one way you can prepare yourself is writing down what you want to say, don't rush it, you can do bulletpoints or write down the whole thing from start to finish - just have something to give you some security when you're afraid you can't find the words. going through the script beforehand will also make you more confident in what you want to communicate.

aside from this particular employer and your relationship with them, making a call would boost your assurance and you'll be a bit more confident next time you need to do something unpleasant. I am more than sure you can do it and I believe in you.

another very very important point- no such thing as back at square one. healing and growth are never linear, messing up along the way is only natural and DOES NOT erase all the time you've spent moving forward. you are not back anywhere, you're just at a crossroad. you need some time to reasses and give yourself time to breathe and that is okay. you are trying, you are thinking, you are feeling, you are moving but only forwards because life goes forwards and it isn't leaving you behind. a pause may feel scary because you shift your focus to things that didn't work out instead of exciting things that are yet to come. it's okay to pause though. it really is. you are NOT failing, if anything I find it admirable how much you want to make things work. and I truly believe you can and you will and it will all work out.

I am sorry you are going through this, I cannot replace a professional, I cannot be the tools and person to make it better but I feel for you and I hurt for you and you are not alone. there is a person who knows how far away from you who is shedding tears because they want you to feel better so strongly. I'm not saying this for you to go all "oh no I made her cry" because it is possible your mind will say something stupid to you like that - I am saying it because I want you to know you are not alone. and you are very worthy. of love, of success, of every little thing you think is unreachable right now because you've been tired for so long. you are loved and there are people out there who want you to be okay. you are not at fault for what your mind does. it's your body, it's processes you are not at fault for and you have to be more gracious towards yourself. no reason to hate yourself, genuinely none at all. you are in pain and you are dealing with it as best as you can and that is something you deserve credit for, it's commendable.

the job market is stressful as fuuckk even without facing what you're going through, be kinder to yourself! i am so scared of interviews but talking to people with stable jobs you'll know - sometimes you have to do over dozens and dozens of interviews and just grow a thick skin for it, it's an actual skill. you have to understand these people have so much on their minds that aside from considering you for the position they don't pay you much mind (one of my problems is contemplating what interviewers think of me as a person - they don't. they clock out and im out of their thoughts); they're just people doing their jobs, you are not failing their expectations nor are they some superior beings you have to show fear in front of. you're just participating in a waltz they dance with others and you should dance with other employers. you will not get certain jobs and that is fine, every interview is practicing for the next which is also very valuable.

I understand right now you may need some time but I think keeping it moving could help you grow accustomed to the whole thing that is job hunting and not setting your focus on this one instance and self-pitying. and that's why i think you should go for that call, you could get a second chance but even if you don't clearing things up will help you moving on from it rather than thinking of it each time you apply.

things can go wrong but things can also have the amazing ability to go right. and you can stumble but you can also do really really well! because people are fluid and are capable of more than they think, you can move in either direction so as you consider how things can actually go absolutely fine :)

I will always always recommend professional advice and help, though i have my experience I base my comments on, i cannot provide you with the needed expertise that you deserve. please talk to someone, considering you are on prescribed medication right now I assume there are means by which you could talk to someone more competent. I know what things coming back again and again for years is like, it's torture. and i need you to keep fighting because it truly is a fight, it's tiresome and it's lonesome but you have to. you owe it to yourself and you deserve to keep your head above the water until you don't have to strain to do so.

but you have got to realise people don't hate you for it and if they do they are ignorant and you don't need them, let alone their approval. i was considering answering you without publishing the message itself but I believe it will resonate with more people than you think and there will be more people out there keeping you in their thoughts and there is so much beauty and power in that.

again, I apologise for the messy reply, I feel like there are many more things I want to say and maybe better and kinder ways to put them but this is all I can muster up right now. I am sending you so much love and a warm hug. i am proud of you. you have so much power and strength and i hope you get comfort to accompany them.

[bunchezofroze]

I Have Decided to Start Posting My Short Stories, So here's the First One

"Haunted Computer"

By Rozetta Stone (Prompt from GeneralBug)

Alright, this is getting tiring. I have been watching this girl attempt, and fail, to ask out her crush for like two weeks now. I'm here because I was just passing through her apartment when I saw her giggling at the computer and decided to let my curiosity get the better of me.

I found out from the other person's messages that this girl's name was apparently Carmen, and I learned from Carmen's messages that her correspondent's name is Trea. Now something I know about Carmen, that Trea doesn't, is that Carmen really likes them, like way more than is reasonably expected from "platonic" feelings.

At first, I was really quite amused, watching the girl write out a long winded confession of her oh so eternal love, only for her to fumble with the backspace key as she deleted any trace of it. But after two weeks of it, it's honestly just a bit sad at this point. I mean, she clearly finds this person very dear to her, but just can't get over the hurdle of actually expressing those feelings.

Today she and Trea were talking and joking about some show about paramedics or firefighters or something, and some ship called "Beckie,"or whatever that was never going to happen. I wasn't too worried about it. Then her expression changed in a way I was familiar with at this point, and typed out a string. "we could totally be like them, but like... actually set sail haha. but only if you really want too cause li..." And then she deleted it all while shaking her head.

I'm done. I can only watch this for so long. I decided a bright idea would be to try and help her. Of course, the whole wandering spirit thing makes helping her a bit challenging. Wait, did I mention that? Oh well, suffice to say I needed a way to get her attention. So, I decided that the best plan of action... was to possess her computer and try to talk to her... yeah, not my smartest move.

It was decided though, so I did a couple stretches, and then dove head first into greatness. Of course, saying that you're going to possess and communicate with the living through a computer is one thing, while actually doing it is another. But I was determined, so I decided to take control of the mouse. She seemed a bit startled when all of a sudden her mouse had a mind of its own beneath her hand, but I mean, rightfully so. I went down and opened her sticky notes app - yes people actually use sticky notes don't question me - and started typing.

I've seen enough

I can only take so much of this!!

So now, I'M GOING TO HELP YOU!!!

Adding exclamation marks will surely get my point across. She sat there for a while with her mouth agape, and then finally moved it, "Wh.. who... who are you? An.. and what?" Ah yeah, I should probably explain myself a bit better huh?

My name is Mirriad; I am what they call a ghooooost

Spooky, I know

But honestly, I may or may not have been spying on you for the past two weeks

"Excuse me, YOU WHAT??" Whoops, that was way too forward.

Don't take it like that

Look, I've been watching you chat with Trea, and I think it's all really cute

But you are completely hopeless girl

So I wanted to try and help you out is all

She sat there for quite awhile in thought, hands in her crossed legs, before finally speaking, "I really wanna tell them, but I just can't. Every time I get excited that I'm finally gonna do it, and then... Then I get this gut wrenching feeling that it'll all go wrong, and I chicken out." She turned her head, as if I was actually there looking at her, and then added, "I'm sorry."

Carmen...

You don't have to apologize for being scared

You just have to overcome that fear and do what you know your heart wants

Look, I'm gonna be your wing ghost

With my help, everything will be a-okay

She looked back over, "Alright, but what do I say?"

Tell Trea the truth

What you want them to know

I would say the worst that can happen is a no

But let's be honest, there are way worse things she can say

So good luck!! *thumbs up*

And now she looked mortified, "That doesn't help! What if they think I'm weird? Or gross? Or overwhelming?!" At this point she had her head in her hands and was very clearly panicking.

Listen

Or read I guess, I don't know...

Doesn't matter!

My point is that it'll be okay as long as you're yourself, I promise

"A.. alright, but what do I say, like, specifically? Can you like, type up a love letter or something?"

Sorry, but I'm not a computer

So I can't write anything for you

But just try and keep it simple, alright?

She looked down at the keyboard, "Okay, then here goes nothing I guess." She tentatively moved the mouse over to her chat with Trea, and started typing,

UselessLesbian: |

UselessLesbian:

UselessLesbian: |

UselessLesbian:

UselessLesbian: Do you wanna go out sometime? Like on a date? Like a date-date?|

She looked over it, shook her head, and went for the backspace key. But before she could even reach it... *enter*. Sorry Carmen, but it's for your own good. She let out a little eep, and sat there startled, waiting for something. And then...

BuckIsBae: is typing...

BuckIsBae: Oh... That was unexpected.

BuckIsBae: But yeah! I'd totally be up for that. Just let me know when.

Carmen's eyes widened, as if she couldn't believe what she was seeing. She then launched out of her chair and started jumping up and down, cheering, "Yes! Yes! Eeeeee!"

It seemed that my job was done, so I went ahead and vacated the computer. After calming down, she went back to her computer and started frantically typing, making plans for her newly acquired date.

When the weekend rolled around, Carmen was quickly getting ready. Her and Trea were going to some fancy schmancy cafe in town that seemed nice. She was rushing to the door when she stopped and turned on a dime. She looked around the room a bit before saying, "I don't know if you're still here, but thank you Mirriad." And with that, she turned and left through the door, ready for what was sure to be a time of wonder.

Why did I do it? I mean, I could say I did it because I was sick of seeing her struggle, but if that was really the case, I guess I could've just left. So I don't know. Maybe I did it because I have some pent up emotions about being hurt and losing out, so I did this to hopefully free my soul from this mortal plane. Or, ya know, maybe I'm just a fan of sappy romance.

[13-frinfransstudios]

Writing again after four months: a rant diary of a hopeless dreamer

Hello, Tumblr!

It's been a long time since I made a post here. I want to let out a few writer thoughts.

June-July are my last active writing months. I joined in NaNoWriMo events and talk to few writers. It's been awesome really.

But then college happened, so I have to postpose making my stories. During October throughout November, I felt drained from the school works and I just want to take a break. school can't give me that chance. Even now, I still have two projects and one research to do.

But I decided to take a bit of a break from it and rewind by writing. yesterday, I feel excited. My heart race as I open my writing station in Wattpad. Finally, I'm gonna write again. But nothing comes out of my head.

I have an idea for my short story collections, but I barely feel my heart in it. I feel like every words I type seems poor and not like how I usually do.

I was devastated. I'm thinking to myself that I'll never get to do this thing I so love again. I guess I should just give it all up. As my parents said, there won't be anyone who would want to hear my story.

Because who would want to read a stupid cringy story about sapphics finding a place in this world through each other when there's so many versions of that published--and written better than me!

I just feel so down and hopeless but I really wanna write so bad. This feels like the only thing that I have in this world that keeps me going and I don't want this to disappear from me.

I just have to keep going, no matter how shitty my words seems to be. Maybe someday I can get to the point where every letter I type out will become a galaxy.

[whyispotatoheadalreadytaken]

I recently saw Regina Spektor at the Ryman. She's been on my bucket list for a long time now. She played a few songs I enjoyed but not as many as I had hoped for. I still kick myself for not seeing her back in 2017. That was my senior year of college. There was no way I could swing it with 19 credit hours, a practicum, and two jobs. That setlist was perfect, so I think I should've tried harder. Seeing her this time was mostly good. I knew it would be an emotional time, but I got caught off guard in the worst way imaginable during the concert. After she played Eet, one of my all-time favs of hers, she almost immediately went into a different song. I recognized the piano, and when it clicked, I couldn't breathe or stop the steady leak from my eyes. It didn't even feel like I was crying. It just wouldn't stop streaming out of my eyes. I don't know how to explain it. My brain goes into flight or fight as I recognize The Grand Hotel. I'm shot back to July 2020. I had just told Zoë what had happened before I went to the hospital, and we went to her friend's house to watch Hamilton. After that, we went to RJ's so she could swim in his pool…which was awesome. Loved that. Made me feel so good that we were just randomly stopping by. That this is the first place we're going after being emotionally tortured and retraumatized by Hamilton. I have almost no memory of RJ's. I only remember staring down at the pool and how I felt. I remember feeling invisible and humiliated. The shame. I was beyond not okay when it came time to leave, so I put on the only person I knew who could help me feel not so hopeless, Regina Spektor. We drove to the park after that and walked around almost in silence. I wasn't sure what we were doing anymore or the point of anything or trying to make things better after living through this day. From start to finish, I felt like I was nothing. Not a person. Just nothing. Guess I deserve that, though, right? After she was done walking around the park, I drove us home. The road was all I could see as the song played. I dissociated the entire car ride home so I wouldn't have a mental breakdown. I stared out the windshield of the mini, wholly focused on the road, just listening to Regina's Remember Us To Life album. It had not occurred to me that I've not heard any song from that album since that car ride home from one of the worst days of my entire life. I didn't see this coming and hadn't prepared for this. I look to my left slightly, and Zoë is crying too. I'm unsure of why and afraid to ask because I don't want to know what she is thinking about. I don't want to talk about why I'm in shambles, so I keep staring at Regina, waiting for all this to pass. Once it does, I focus on breathing, though I still can't stop the steady leaking from the corners of my eyes. Sometime later, Regina tells us that she happened to be in town at the same time as her dear friend, Ben Folds and that she wanted to invite him to the stage. Shocked, I turn to Zoë, who is so excited.

"BEN FOLDS IS HERE," is all she can get out.

Hamilton.

Then, I begin to reenter my trauma brain as the only thing I can get out in hardly a whisper is "Theodosia." I don't think she even heard me.

And that's precisely what happens. Regina and Ben covered Dear Theodosia back in 2016. This was the only song from Hamilton I had known before seeing the musical. Zoë is sobbing, probably for a different reason than I am. At least, I'm hoping it's for another reason. I'm hoping it's because of how much she loves Hamilton and that it's unrelated to that terrible day. It's hard to know, though, because her love for Hamilton is also derived from how much that time in our lives was horrible. Hamilton was how she coped. I'm not sure how she was able to cope with Hamilton. It was so painful; it took me two years to listen to it, and I still can't listen to all of it. If I hadn't had such a visceral reaction to The Grand Hotel, I would've been in a better head space to enjoy Dear Theodosia. The pairing of the two was too much. So, I would do it again, with some more preparation next time for the potential of reliving some not so great memories.

[soporificsponge]

my skin is breaking out and it's ruining my life

Okay, I almost forgot but I have therapy tomorrow so here are some things that I can't forget to talk about (we'll probably get through like one or two of these things):

I'm probably going to go visit my brother at the high school I went to sometime soon and for some reason the thought of doing so makes me insanely anxious. I didn't realize that I would grow out of my high school self so quickly. I've cycled through so many phases since leaving high school that I feel like going back would be like trying to stuff myself into a too small lathe collet and then tightening it all the way. There's now way senior year me could comprehend the me that has blacked out drunk, or the me that has a tattoo, or the me that has had a number of sexually confusing experiences, or the me that is medicated. I'm better now, and for some reason deeply ashamed that I didn't "do it right" in high school (but why do I feel like I did everything wrong? Why do I feel so guilty? I really don't know at all). In one of my high school journals I wrote down: "Journaling is pointless, because I hope that I'll think my sixteen year old self is a bit of an idiot by the time I come back and read what I've written. I hope I find myself stupid because that will mean I got better. I really want to believe that in the future I am so loved that I am no longer jaded and that I can come back and scoff at my words ... I want to be so happy that I can't even imagine how shallow and vapid my sixteen year old self was." It's a privilege to grow in this way, I guess. It's true that I look back on that journal and am amazed at how myopic my world view was. I'm glad for that, but I didn't realize that I would feel shame when reflecting on my past experiences. The frustrating part of it is that I can't seem to place where this shame comes from--I keep searching for something specific, some example of of not "doing it right." Do I feel guilty that I was a bad robotics team captain? That seems silly (also I feel pretty strongly that I tried my best). Do I feel guilty that I was a bad student and that I disrespected my teachers? I'm fairly certain that as a student I was at least mediocre (and decently earnest ...). Do I feel like I mistreated underclassmen? (I don't think so ...?). I think I'm just embarrassed of my past self (or whatever), but I don't really get why. Anyways, I'm worried. And I want to feel excited instead of worried, lol.

I suck at math. Why is math so hard right now? Why is it making me feel like shit?

My brother, more generally.

Disco, I suppose. Though to be honest I can't imagine wanting to talk about her.

Sarah, and why she's stressing me the hell out. I know that Sarah doesn't have control, but I find it difficult to be patient.

I have a crush! I tried quite hard not to have a crush on this person/individual/extremelyattractiveandperhapsinappropriatecharacterofinterest, but unfortunately I have fallen prey to their wily charms. Eileen thinks I only have crushes on people that are sort of unattainable because I'm scared of rejection (which seems like a pretty cringe analysis to me bro) but I think that's probably a little bit true. I truly do not like people that like me lol, like ever. Okay so a little bit about my crush: I'm like 90% sure he's 21 (see I'm literally crazy I'm not even close enough to him to know his age). Also, as I type this out I feel like I sound more and more crazy and more and more stupid and more and more just ridiculous--let's just pretend that my self awareness fixes this issue.

Tangent from my description of my crush but I just opened my old journal because there was a way that I described him a couple months ago (okay, so many it's not a new crush but I basically avoided thinking about it, very unsuccessfully, for like a few months, so at least I know that I'm probably a hopeless case) but hahaha, here's what my entry says: "I feel like I shouldn't have my journal entries just be long winded descriptions of people I'm attracted to, so I'm not going to do that today. But I want to. It's so fun to write about what you find attractive. I love the quiet desperation that is having a diary about your crush while everything else is just going to shit, which is why I totally love Phoebe Bridgers."

Anyways, my crush is maybe 5'10"? But he seems taller. He wears these stupid big-ass round glasses (fuck) and has messy hair (fuck) and he's like a super genius (fuck fuck fuck). He has a laugh that's somehow easy and stilted at the same time. I've never heard something so awkward sound so natural. Oh also, his voice is really really great. Like really nice. He has a really springy walk. He can drive a U-Haul (fuck). Cool taste in music (obviously). I guess more holistically, he's kind and patient (fuck). I'm such a fucking ditz around him. Why why why why why why ...........

[sunlessea]

he has an advantage, for once, that it couldn't have accounted for. he's used to its attentions both lewd and comparably more innocent of heart, no matter how humiliating to admit : whether he'd been dragged back to it or given in of his own accord, he'd grown familiar with its affections, such as they are. it isn't used to his own. he licks mingled spit and blood from his lips alike, watching it with something not far off from a deadpan, though he supposes it would be able to see the tender contemplation that tends to hide beneath his seemingly unkind demeanor. london wouldn't ever understand them. he'd come to accept that over the years among his coworkers, where he himself barely even understood them at the time. he's starting to, he thinks, but he knows, looking at how wildly its ears twitch with excitement whilst it tries in vain to get more than his vest to slink down his shoulders, that they would forever be subjected to the role of enigma and gossip among the public.

they would never be in love, no matter how genuinely he admitted it, to the people who would watch them from then on, who had been from the moment he'd been called into its office. his denial may wane, but the city's never would. he isn't a bleeding heart, hopeless romantic. he doesn't announce his feelings to the entirety of the city with his vulnerabilities laid bare for them and the masters alike to pick apart. he would never write vows that could live up to the love letters published in pages' papers. he's too clumsy, and too broken, and too human.

fires realizes it, too. he's sure of that. but that's what makes this so important, he supposes. because now it knows, and he knows, even if the rest of the world never does. maybe for their love story, that's just ... enough.

"why don't you try being patient for once? greedy bat." he clicks his tongue, holding himself together well even where he shivers 'gainst the feeling of its claws along his skin, be it his back or abdomen. it reaches under his clothes at near the same rate it tries to pull him out of them ... but it is more patient than usual, even if not enough. he swallows his own moan where it pushes its hips up into his, but he knows fires better than he suspects even it thinks. it gets turned on so easily, especially when they take things slow. he hasn't forgotten.

"you see, that's the thing..." he doesn't stop it from toying with his layers whilst he shrugs off the one vest it'd managed to successfully loosen before falling tame, but he doesn't help it either. he tosses it over with its shirt, then turns his attention to fires, nose scrunched. even when his voice is raw with emotion, his expression held together by a thread, he plays himself cool and pushes it back. not for want of closing himself off ... but it's just how he is. "i can't live in the present. i'm always thinking of the future, and what it means for me. you brujah always rush into things without planning. i could never be one of you." there's a quirk to his lips, despite struggling to hold himself together, that indicates he's mocking it on purpose. "maybe loving you will be what finally kills me." his amusement dissipates, the sentiment terribly honest where he shrugs his shoulders. his attention drifts from its face, to the thin line of blood still trailing along its chest. it's made it further down the front of it. "...but maybe you can save me, instead. from god, or from myself. who knows..." he rests his nail 'gainst its chest and traces along the blood trail, whilst its lips trail their own way up his chest, his neck, his jaw. he lifts his gaze to meet its when it stops at his lips, eyes narrowing. "in the moment, i just wanted to show you something pretty. you're the one who got philosophical about the stars."

it isn't that he doesn't appreciate its attention ... he does. but it's so eager to move, always doing something, whether that's exploring him with its hands or claiming him by its mouth. he huffs, pressing his hands 'gainst its shoulders again... and this time, when he pushes it down to lay on its back, he shifts himself up to sit below its chest, making sure it stays there this time with his knee pressed light 'neath its throat. he isn't rough by any means despite his positioning, and if anything, it has more freedom of its hands with him so close... but still! it leaves his unbuckled, oversized slacks falling down his hips, too, which, while embarrassing, is less abrasive. "i told you i'm sick of you asking me what i want, though. do you even listen to me?" his sigh is so dramatic, needlessly so, but as he rolls his eyes, he turns to lean back the miniscule amount needed to pull at the clasp around its own belt. for better or worse of his pride, he's so practiced in the motion he doesn't even need to pay attention before he has it undone, hand slipping 'neath the fabric to tease his fingertips along the hardening shaft of its cock. he wraps his hand around it, thumb teasing 'round its tip whilst he slowly strokes it.

"but if you're going to be annoying," he gestures vaguely down at it with his free hand, "can you at least behave for once in your life, sir?"

he's changed, it notes, where it stays as it always has, lips curled in less than subtle smirk where it is little more to subject than cardinal sin—but even then ... its always has changed with the passing years, a subtle shift in its demeanor : what once was merely arrogance was brought purpose, its heart ever-unbeating finding purpose in life and love aside that which it sought replicate. it's no wonder its experiments had always fallen short, in the end. no surprise as to why any master who knew would turn up their nose, berate it for its idiocy—nothing it could create could ever mimic what it was like to fall in love quite like this. a messy, tumultuous, and chaotic affair ... but also an indescribably sweet one too.

there is no rhyme or reason in the events that brought them here. and it suspects him searching for one; something to grasp onto where love overwhelming threatens smother them both in the feeling—if the way their hearts both race is of any indication. it suspects, and can't possibly be certain ... but the subtle manner in which he sighs the further it presses its cheek into his palm, back arching to meet the lines drawn 'long his back with wandering claws is enough to suggest, perhaps, a reason is what he's hoping for. if not that, than hopes for an explanation for the way his heart races with it. he'll be sorely disappointed. and yet, despite its assumptions ... its smirk softens to a smile, letting its eyes fall half-lidded where it stares up at him with no small amount of tenderness. the warmth that swells behind its ribs is indescribable too.

" no intention, perhaps, but never without desire. " it's always been like this, perhaps the only part of it short it's biting tongue that has ever stayed the same throughout their chase. every time it caught him, it would put to word either what he could not ... or what he refused. even caught amid adoration, its nose scrunches half in jest, fang caught on the edges of its lip where it cannot fully swallow its pride. " i told you, already. i have never made you do a thing you did not already want to do. " and it so loathes repeating itself, but it minds just that much less with him. he almost seems to need it to, and so it does with ... very little complaint. " i'll stop rambling when you stop denying yourself of what you know you want more than anything. "

well, it isn't without flaw.

never in their expansive history does it think there an image to surpass that of adrien among a sea of stars. it only catches it for a second, but a second is more than enough to craft a memory—brilliant red, from his nose to the tips of his ears, and even brighter where what little light bounces off his hair, his frame, staring dazed down at it where it moves further up, lips trailing in eager, heated desire. and it would have admired longer, were it not the same desire urging it to act on its more basal impulses. it needn't anticipate what it can simply take, instead. and oh, it longs for him. and this is how it knows it has no reason to cast doubt—and how it knows he knows it too. what a shame it is, it thinks, that for however long a moment it lasts that it cannot feel the heat of his skin pulled flush 'gainst the similarly false-heat of its own. both blush with stolen blood, but he wears it so much prettier, against his two thousand freckles it only just began to count again moments before. be it obedient or wanting, his lips crash eager against its own.

it thinks it groans the second it tastes his tongue, the same where his knees press into its sides and hand grasps its jaw, willing its lips part further to taste him deeper. and where it matters, it's compliant, moan swallowed where its hands desperately reach over his hips to the clasp of his belt, using both its grip to tug him closer where it leans further up into their kiss and loosen leather enough to tug his generous layers free. it can't even really be annoyed, not when his weight pushes down further 'gainst its lap, not where heat rushes higher and lower alike, a warmth that floods its cheeks and tightens 'gainst its stomach. and it still pulls him down harder, where its able, while one hand shifts over his abdomen, slinks across his skin to push him further down by the gentle slope of his back. as if it hadn't made itself abundantly clear in their prior trysts : it wants him, too. and with every kiss, it wants him that much more.

again, and again—it's a fight to part, when neither one of them need the oxygen. he stirred, the heat of his lips starting to pull away, and it would pull him back in. or push, with careful adjustment of its knees where they settled to hold him, forcing him to stumble over it again and consequently right back where it wanted. and again, they'd melt; with his want so much as its own, and by the time he successfully pulls away, it's panting too. chest rising and falling in rapid succession, where its heart was not left fluttering. it's craved him plenty, but like this ... is different. it's held him not so unlike this, but so rare was it for he to stay near properly dressed, and for it to be so patient even where it licks the spit from its lips 'fore its strangling down groans again. this is what's different : his lead, and its own submission.

but it can't be helped; not the way it whimpers and gasps 'gainst every place his fangs catch, nor its stifled cry when he finally breaks skin, gasp turned to moan where its jaw falls slack, every false-breath shuddering after the initial instinctual arch of its back that allowed it both draw closer to him as it allowed its hands to push further up his own, claws catching his spine in some pathetic means of relief. not that there was much to be had, 'tween the way his hips grind into its own, less purposefully—it presumes—against the slow, but not necessarily hesitant rolling of its own up against him. while he steadies himself against its ribs bare, it busies itself trying to expose his, where it clumsily pulls at button and clasp, but only successfully manages to undo a single layer. at least, with all their shifting, having a vest slip from his shoulders still counts towards a victory, where its attention is so scattered 'gainst everything else he does to it. to be craved, like this ... was as romantic as it was erotic.

it's excited. perhaps in more innocent manner than he'd figure. definitely more than it expected itself possible of feeling. it'd let him drain it dry, if he wanted to, just to keep him clinging to it like this, to squirm so pleasantly beneath him. but all good things must come to an end, much as it doesn't want them to. it takes all its effort not to pout 'midst its more irritable groan, shifting to sit up with him as he settles above its lap.

" well ... " it drawls, adjusting itself so it can both settle him against its lap and toy with the buttons on the bottom of his blouse. the more shocking part of this was the striking amount of patience it kept—it isn't struggling with them, like before ... rather, it seems to be playing with them on purpose, judging by the quirk of its lips when it glances up to him, it actually seems to be having fun. " what do you want to do with it? " it pauses it's half-spirited tugs 'gainst the singular button hole that had its attention to press itself forward, arms slinking back to pull him closer by his hips, resting its head 'gainst his chest as it stares, blinking slow. " not what you want in the future. now. when i tell you that i love you ... " and up, again, both its claws along the bare of his back and its lips leaving the faintest trace of kisses 'cross his chest, his neck, his jaw ... only pausing when its lips hover once more over his. it can feel the heat of his breath against its lips, the hole he's half staring into it's core when it meets his gaze. in contrast to his tension, it relaxes further into him, chest pressed to chest, adjusting its hold once more to keep him steady where its own confidence does not waver. " what do you want? "