#and getting an adhd diagnosis as an adult is a nightmare

[berylcups]

Well fuck. 🥲 I’m AuDHD AF….well I think. I sure wish I knew this while I was a child so I could get the resources and coping skills I needed to thrive. I’m not “officially” diagnosed by a medical professional to be autistic but I always wondered if I was since I never felt like I was “normal” and couldn’t relate well to others, and I display all the above symptoms. I want to get tested officially but the American healthcare system is an absolute nightmare. 😬 I don’t dislike my country, we have many privileges but there’s so many things that need to be addressed and improved upon. But that’s a conversation for another post/time.

How does one deal with an adult AudHD diagnosis? I’m officially ADHD, and I’ve been diagnosed for roughly a year and a half and I’m 31 at this exact moment. I work a full time job that I love but I have difficulty making enough time for my own mental and physical health. I skip meals or eat out, forget hygiene routines (so embarrassing but thank God for dry shampoo), and my daily household chores. I also have to make time for my leisurely activities like being on here, video gaming, writing, and drawing . 😰

Being a responsible adult is tough! You’d think you’d be able to handle once you’re in your thirties! 😬 How do my neurodivergent fellows do it? Do you know the secret to life? You must let me know! (Pretty please 🙏)

(Picture Credit to original owner…Unknown atm will update when I find the creator)

[hecrtgolden]

(  JONATHAN  DAVIS  +  CIS  MALE  +  HE  /  HIM  )     🠒     PARENTS  by  yungblud  is  something  that  resonates  with  SAMMY  TURNER.   the  drug  dealer  /  bartender  at  glen  ellen’s  local  bar  is  glen  ellen's  very  own   DIRTBAG   who  has  been  in  town  for  fifteen  years  and  while  they  are  only  twenty  five,    they  can  be  very   SHORT  FUSED    but  if  their  friends  mentioned  them,    you'd  think  they  were  more  LOYAL.   in  a  town  where  every  one  knows  everyone,    it's  hard  to  keep  a  secret,     but  i  think  the  killer  knows  that  [  REDACTED  ],     and  it's  bound  to  get  out  sometime  soon.   i  wonder  if  the  killer  also  thinks  of   bloodied  knuckles,  care  bear  plasters,  misplaced  anger,  shotgunning  at  parties,  black  nail  polish,  discarded  baggies,  a  thick  cockney  accent   like  i  do,    when  i  think  of  them. 

full name — samuel alexander turner nickname(s) — sam, sammy. name meaning — god has heard age — twenty five date of birth — april 1st place of birth — hackney, london, england current location — glen ellen, california, us gender — cis-male pronouns — he/him sexual orientation — homosexual

height — 5′11 religion — agnostic occupation — bartender / drug dealer education level — high school family — douglas turner ( father ), katherine turner ( mother ) joshua, caleb, poppy, beau, max, mila ( siblings ) finances — lower working class / poor spoken languages — English 

medical diagnosis’ — adhd, depression, ptsd, anxiety, oppositional defiance disorder

voiceclaim — danny dyer

Inspired by : James Cook ( Skins ), Mickey Maguire ( shamless ), Neil Sutherland ( the inbetweeners ), Nathan Young ( misfits ), alex karev ( greys anatomy )

Tw for abuse, substance misuse, violence. 

- Sammy is the second eldest of several children born to Douglas and Katherine Turner. He grew up in a two bedroom housing estate in Hackney, London. He attended a state school on the verge of closure, he ran wild ran the estate with friends a lot older. He did everything and anything to avoid going home. Nobody saw the signs - or more, nobody wanted to see the signs. 

- Douglas and Katherine did not parent well. They barely existed well. Douglas was abusive in his methods with a temper that couldn’t be controlled around adults or children. Katherine, sweet Katherine, grew tired and fearful. Trapped and complacent. Josh and Sammy basically took on the role of parents to the smalls. 

- Shortly after his tenth birthday the family immigrated to the states. ‘too much trouble over ‘ere’ Douglas had mumbled. 

- Coming into teenage hood, Sammy grew angry. Angry at his situation and the cards dealt to him. He had always struggled in school, but now his behaviour was unmanageable. It was like his body was constantly in fight or flight mode. ‘Defensive, Lazy, Unmotivated - a teachers nightmare’ - all words scrawled across his report cards over the years. they don’t care, Sammy had realised. They don’t want to listen to my screams for help. nobody fucking cares.

- It would have been obvious, to anybody who stepped back and looked at the entire unit, that Sammy had a magnitude of odds stacked against him. Some days all he needed was a fucking win. Somebody to turn around and say that they saw him. Nobody did. He was pegged as a failure before he even had a chance. Nobody cares !! Nobody cares !! It’s all his fault and nobody fucking cares !!

- Douglas only grew angrier with age and the aggression only got worse as his kids grew stronger and started to fight back. Stupid sack of shit - you’ll never win against him.

- Sammy knew he would never win. He knew by fourteen that it was futile to try. He took whatever fist was thrown at him, and he spent his teenage years stepping between his father and his siblings, pleading with his mother to do something. If she couldn’t protect them, he would. Josh had grown useless in his own years. While Sammy only felt anger, he felt a strong desire to step away and keep his head down. Coward - why don’t you grow a better fucking coping mechanism !!

- aside from the obvious, there was another undetected reason for Sammy’s piss poor school performance. He couldn’t read - not well at least. He had managed to skirt by this issue for the majority of his life. He used their own diastase of him to hide the embarrassment. He spoke in jibberish with a shit eating grin when asked to read aloud, made sexual innuendos when questioned about board work and kicked off or doodled on school tests. Fuck it, if they didn’t care, why should he?. Until one teacher did, one who had been eyeing up the boy and taking note of his deteriorating behaviour for a while. He kept him back one afternoon and asked Sammy to read a passage from the assigned text to him. Sammy did the usual - pout and moan and roll his eyes and demand to be let go for lunch. This interaction repeated itself again and again, and after years of screaming to be seen, he suddenly wanted to be left alone again.

- this teacher didn’t leave him alone. In fact, he invested in Sammy. He encouraged him to take up drumming, and payed for his lessons (unbeknownst to Sammy, who assumed it was free), he tutored him after school and once building up some trust he took Sammy for an eye test one afternoon. It transpired that not only could Sammy not read well, he couldn’t see very well either. The opticians where shocked at how he had been going about day to day tasks with one blind eye and the other with intense short sightedness (not that he will wear the stupid glasses. Fuck that).

- Adulthood doesn’t feel too dissimilar to teenage hood, Sammy finds. It’s still just misdirected anger and school runs he didn’t sign up for. It’s still running for your life against wolves, it’s still fight or flight and pre conceived judgements. It’s still untamed loyalty that his teachers swore he would grow out of. The only difference is while he once questioned why the universe just wanted to piss on him, he know understands it’s probably deserved.

WANTED CONNECTIONS

- Exes / hookups / fwb: Sammy is massively touch starved and falls for people very easily (though he will never admit it). He always tends to be the one to fuck it up though

- The teacher: as stated in his bio, this teacher has a massive positive impact on Sammy and changed the course of his life. They still check up on Sammy and is no doubt teaching the other Turners right now. They may even be Sammys call when he gets arrested for dumb shit. 

- best friends: while Sammy can appear to be a pos, he has the biggest heart in the world. He really is just misunderstood but once he builds a connection he guards it with his life.

Enemies: It’s well known this boy likes to throw a punch or two - if you’re lucky it could be you!

Clients: As well as working at the bar, Sammy also deals drugs. The money is mostly used to support his siblings, so really it’s like charity! The more drugs you do, the more shoes there are for the kids!

Potential partners: I have nothing to say but 😢 give him one good thing

[crankycalcifer]

Hey I saw your post about asking a sex and gender therapist and I wanted to know, what are some resources to get top surgery in Texas? If you don't know that's okay, I've just been having trouble finding reputable information on it

Hi! This is a very important question. Every state has its own rules and regulations around gender-affirming medical care and with the current aggression towards folks looking into gender-affirming medical care, it can be a bit of a minefield.

When I am talking to folks about navigating our nightmare of a medical system, I start by setting expectations. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Sometimes everything will work perfectly and the people who are supposed to do the things will actually do them. Sometimes you will go to a licensed medical doctor and they will laugh in your face when you ask a very basic questions and tell you the wildest things like "women can't get ADHD". So. Here's my motto for medical care: If we hit a roadblock, we don't give up, we pivot to a new provider.

*reminder* In a perfect world, you should just be able to get top surgery. It should be not more difficult than getting your wisdom teeth removed, fixing a broken bone, getting your appendix out, etc. But that's not our current reality. So here's the strategy that increases the chances of getting what you want and minimizes risks. Also, this process is written for an adult (over 18 years old) who can consent to their own medical treatment. If you are under 18, things shift a bit.

Generally speaking, here is the process for top surgery. It might apply to you, it might not. This is not medical advice, but for general informational purposes:

Get medical diagnosis for gender dysphoria- this can be done by a therapist, medial doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist, etc. Your state and usually the doctor that will be performing the top surgery will have their own expectations and requirements. Sometimes the doctor who performs the surgery can be the one who gives you the diagnosis. This is an insurance requirement- officially you can't have any kind of treatment unless the system knows what you are being treated for. Top surgery is a form of treatment for gender dysphoria.

Know what you want and why- you are probably going to have to talk to multiple people about what you want and why you want it. Usually this isn't because the provider/medical doctor really cares, its a liability thing. They have to cover their own ass and make sure they can support why they agreed to give you this treatment in case something goes wrong or their patient brings some kind of compliant in the future. You aren't actually convincing them that you are trans or anything here, you are helping them to feel like they won't get sued because you know what you want and are asking them for it. Having a therapist or some mental health professional who can write a letter of support for top surgery can be helpful because providers listen to providers. Reviewing the WPATH Standards of Care can give you vocabulary to talk about what you want, why you want it, etc. that is already in medical vocabulary and so the medical doctor will be able to hear what you are saying more clearly. Again, this is not a narrative essay to get into college. This is saying the right words so the right boxes get checked. Basically you are saying some version of "I have gender dysphoria. It has been fairly consistent and causes significant distress since *insert amount of time*. I would like gender affirming medical treatment- top surgery- in order to reduce my gender dysphoria because gender affirming surgery is an evidence-based treatment for gender dysphoria." Its weird, sterile, and clinical. But medical doctors are not people-people generally, they are scientists.

Find a medical doctor that provides top surgery. Best case scenario, you are able to find some kind of gender clinic that specializes in HRT, gender-affirming surgery, etc because they will generally have the most streamlined processes and *hopefully* less barriers and discriminatory bullshit. You can try to find these places through internet searches. Sometimes your insurance will have suggestions. You can talk to a primary care provider who may have a referral. If you are having trouble finding someone, I would reach out to a Certified Sex Therapy/Educator/Counselor who is affiliated with AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists). These folks aren't always safe for queer folks but your chances of finding someone who knows queer issues and has resources they can point you to is higher than with the general metal health population. You can search for folks here: https://www.aasect.org/find-professional/2/TX/T%2BC

Waiting period. Some states/doctors have waiting periods. Like you have to be in therapy at least 6 months and want top surgery the whole time or they schedule the surgery 3 months out and you have to come into the office once a month to tell the doctor "yep. still would like that please". Again, its about decreasing liability. With a positive spin, there is some attempt being made to try to provide support to folks going through gender-affirming care because the surgeries can be on the more significant side with a fair bit of recovery.

Surgery and Recovery. Once you get scheduled, there will be pre and post operative steps for you to take to get ready for the actual procedures. There are different kinds of top surgeries that are available, so looking into options and finding a surgeon you can talk to about options is super important. Also, most surgeons should have examples of their work they can show you.

Is this helpful? Are there other questions you have?

[saltymcsaltything]

Today would have been my mom's 79th birthday. I miss her so much. I never had a chance to talk to her about my gender or my Autism/ADHD diagnosis because I didn't realize or even allow myself to learn about either until after she was gone.

Her death was one of the main catalysts that led to my diagnosis and self discovery, because it was so traumatic losing someone I loved so much and who always made me feel safe. With her death I no longer had my refuge - losing my Dad three days after her birthday 21 years ago when I was still trying to find my way in the world rocked me and I did not process it well. I still have nightmares about it. Losing Mom was even more devastating - not because we were closer (we were, but only because I didn't have much time with Dad as an adult), but because losing her was losing them both forever. In a way, it felt like they were both still there as long as she was alive. She was my link to him and his life.

I miss her so much it physically hurts. I still catch myself thinking that I should call her or send her an email. This year, what is always a bad week has been especially bad, because she would have been the person I would have gone to in order to help me process some of the rage I am struggling with over the violence I witness against people I care about - and this isn't just about what's going on here. Being involved in workplace advocacy IRL has meant bearing witness to abuse by those in power and watching kind, dedicated people suffer at the hands of people who are never held accountable. Being directly abused by management and coworkers, physically, emotionally and sexually, and enduring the same from classmates and teachers, is why I have PTSD. Seeing violence against adults in IRL and online spaces where we once felt safe is infuriating and triggering, but seeing violence against children here and abroad is almost too much to bear.

Mom and Dad were both violently abused and did everything they could to protect my brothers and I from what they endured. They fought for us against bullying that teachers and administrators ignored, and they fought against abusive teachers. My parents were the safe place for family and friends when they fled abusive relationships and parents. And when Mom dipped a toe online on LiveJournal and saw abusers and bigots brazenly posting about horrible things they had done, and even worse whining about facing the tiniest bit of accountability, she went ballistic. When she picked apart abusers on LJ, she did so in a way that was as well argued, fact-based and unassailingly meticulous with receipts as it was venomous. I don't know how she managed to pull it off - I don't have the way with words or the ability to laser focus my anger the way she did.

The largest part of me just wants to be safe in a community of people who understand me again, but there is a part of me that feels that will never happen and wants to inflict as much pain on those responsible as possible. I try very hard not to be vindictive and aggressive, but I was also taught that if I am ever forced to fight for my own safety, that honor and restraint are lies made up by abusers to keep their victims under control. I want to bite throats and gouge eyeballs because my mind and body are screaming that it's the only way it will ever stop.

I couldn't always fight back. I freeze and falter. I did not have the same strength that my parents had. I wish I could channel that. I wish I could summon their spirits and curse the bullies, abusers, oppressors and murderers of this world with getting verbally eviscerated and physically demolished by the ghosts of my parents for the rest of their miserably short existence. I wish I could summon the white hot blowtorch of their protective rage.

I want to watch them burn it all down, every system of oppression, every monster, every warmonger, every abuser, every rapist, every predator and every enabler.

[georgiaeveritt]

Research - Symptomatology & Diagnosis of Sleep Disorders

20.02.24

Insomnia

inability to fall/remain asleep

causes: jet lag, stress, anxiety, hormones, digestive problems

can also cause: depression, difficulty concentrating, irritability, weight gain, impaired work/school performance

50% american adults experience insomnia

most prevalent amog older adults and women

three types: 1) chronic, when it happens on regular basic for at least 1 month 2) intermittent, occurs periodically 3) transient, lasts for a few nights at a time

Sleep apnea

pauses in breathing during sleep

serious medical condition

causes body to take in less oxygen

causes you to wake upo during night

obstructive: where airflow stops due to airway obstruction/too narrow

central: where there's a problem in the connection between the brain and muscles that control your breath

Parasomnias

class of sleep disorders that cause abnormal movement and behaviours during sleep

sleepwalking

sleep talking

groaning

nightmares

bedwetting

teeth grinding/jaw clenching

sleep paralysis

night terror

Restless leg syndrome

overhwelming need to move the legs

tingling sensation

can occur during day mostly prevalent at night

often associated with health conditions

including adhd & parkinsons

Narcolepsy

"sleep attacks" that occur while awake

feeling suddenly extremely tired and fall asleep without warning

the disorder can also cause sleep paralysis

multiple sclerosis

Symptoms of sleep disorders

difficulty falling or staying asleep

daytime fatigue

strong urge to take naps during the day

unusual breathing patterns

unusual or unpleasant urges to move while falling asleep

unusual movement or other experiences while asleep

unintentional changes to your sleep/wake schedule

irritability or anxiety

impaired performance at work or school

lack of concentration

depression

weight gain

Diagnosis

doctor's can identify/diagnose sleeping disorders by performing a ohysical exam as well as tests such as:

polysomnography - a lab sleep study that evaluates oxygen levels, body movements, and brain waves to determine how they disrupt sleep vs. home sleep study that is performed on your own used to diagnose sleep apnea

electroencephalogram - a test that assesses electrical activity in the brain and detects any potential problems associated with this activity (part of a polysomnography)

multiple sleep latency test - daytime napping study used in conjunction with a PSG at night to help diagnose narcolepsy

[latibulesanctuary]

The Tale of Losing Myself Part I

This year is both a blessing and a nightmare at the same time.

I passed an ultimate exam that gave me additional letters to my name. Then I was ranked high in a promotion. These events gave a major improvement in my reputation and my career track advanced quick.

But one of laws of the universe was put into motion: To get what you desire, you need to give away something.

My dad was diagnosed with cancer and the treatment was too expensive. The costs were triple my salary and he's over sixty (I call his generation the Gen Z Seniors) so he lives through pension. "

I was expecting people around me to be sympathetic. I was expecting: "you'll get through this" and "God will help your dad heal". But they were more surprised at the money we needed to rake for his treatment. My team leader was even joking about it, "God, that's why I am wishing not to get that kind of disease because treatment is too expensive!"

Things got even worse - the universe took my grandmother. I admit that she wasn't a pleasant woman while she was alive but losing the parent of my parent is still sad.

The news of her death made me look back at the days I had with her. She was my babysitter when I was in pre-school. I remember that she always bought me crackers instead of chips.

I also remember the bamboo woven bag she would always carry every time she came to our house. She never wore pants, always a flowery blouse and a long skirt. Her hair is always tied in a bun and she would only let her hair loose only when she takes a bath. She curses a lot and shouts a lot. But when she was sitting me then, I was always taken care of.

I didn't cry at her funeral. I was sad but I can't bring myself to shed tears. I felt that I only had to attend her funeral as an obligation.

I went to consult with a psychiatrist for answers. I took tests and had a couple of consultations. Told them what I felt. It's funny because I told the psychiatrist that I think I have Adult ADHD. She said, there's a possibility but my situation is leaning more on depression.

I asked if I need some meds for either of the possible diagnosis, yes for ADHD and not necessary for depression. I told myself, "ugh, therapy. Ugh."

Then results came and my diagnosis: not ADHD but MDD. Major Depressive Disorder. It was recommended that I undergo therapy.

I was asked to sign some forms afterwards. The psychiatrist then asked, "do you want to continue with the therapy?"

"Well, uh," I stammered. "Can I just get a printed copy of my diagnosis?"

It was clear that my answer was "no". She tried to get me into the therapy program again, but I insisted on getting a print-out of my diagnosis.

She sighed and told me to wait while she gets the print-out. I waited for twenty minutes, then left.

It's November now. My life is summed up like this:

Got heartbroken/ghosted.

Passed the bar exam.

Dad got diagnosed with cancer.

Got into the promotion list.

Grandma died.

At this point, I don't know how to feel. If I feel happy for the positive things, I will feel guilty afterwards about my dad and my grandmother. If I feel sad about my dad and my grandmother, I'd have to tell myself, "At least you passed the bar and will be promoted".

I did tell the psychiatrist about this and she said that's why she strongly recommends therapy.

I told her I don't have enough money for the therapy sessions - which is a lie. I can afford them actually while I help with my dad's bills. Of course, with little sacrifices like eating in less expensive restaurants and taking the public transport instead of Grab or taxi.

I just don't want to.

[boredsuburbanhousecat]

I’m pregnant and it’s weird.

Is this okay? Am I allowed to say that I’m not having a good time? Today’s the first day in the eight weeks that I’ve been growing a LITERAL SEPARATE, SOON-TO-BE-SENTIENT ENTITY that I actually feel between 60-70% like my regular, non-impregnated self and it has been BLISS. But the fact that I have seven and a half more months of just feeling like total shit is aggressively uncool and I am like, not happy about it.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m stoked to have a kid in less than a year. I’m so excited to be pregnant. And it happened like, really quickly! Like on the literal first cycle we tried! Which is a fucking miracle considering how many drugs (both pharmaceutical and otherwise) are in the combined history of me and my husband! And lo and behold, when we had our first real sonogram last week at 7w3d we had what the doc called a “perfect bean”! But man oh fucking man, it has been an experience and I am not having fun yet.

I’m not throwing up all the fucking time because my mother programmed me when I was younger not to vomit under any circumstances (there’s a lot to unpack there and we will absolutely not getting into it now), so for the past three weeks I’ve just seesawed through this odd feeling of constant nausea mixed with rampant hunger for NOTHING because my food aversions are apparently to everything other than chicken tenders, marinara sauce, and cheese. Yes, I’m eating a chicken parm grinder right now, and yes, it is a GODDAMN REVELATION.

The fact that I’m also unmedicated for the first time in this chapter of my adult life is downright laughable. I finally got the right diagnosis and meds last fall after pumping myself with every SSRI for nearly a decade wondering why none worked - PLOT TWIST, IT WAS ADHD THE WHOLE TIME!!!! - and knowing that my best self, my full potential, the version of me that I have worked so hard at for so long to finally arrive at, is no longer available to me, is deeply upsetting. Do I have a lot more tools in my toolbox now than a few years ago when I was last off meds? Most definitely! And the past few years of very intense therapy have also been extraordinarily helpful in getting me closer to “normal” (or at least preventing me from reverting back to being a fucking waking nightmare). But now, having to not only deal with the neurochemical con job known as my unmedicated brain PLUS the additional dose of hormones making me extra sleepy and stupid, is extremely annoying.

I’m also up for a mega promotion this year and being 50% less “on” than usual is truly not ideal. Somehow nobody is as mad about this as me???? I am feeling a gross sense of injustice and I am very very mad.

Anyway the last time I truly kept a journal was when I was a ~cool teen~ on tumblr in college back in 2012 and while the landscape has certainly changed since then, the best and easiest way for me to express myself has always been on this platform. So here we go again.

WELCOME TO MY UTTERLY UNHINGED PREGNANCY BLOG.

IT’S WEIRD HERE.

[maxxmutt]

Venting about neurodivergencies and mental illness bc im struggling with it rn and I need to let the beast out

Everything about the way my brain works and how I learn was always so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ on all ends. I was never quite sure if I was 'normal' or if 'something is wrong with me' and the adults in my life never had solid answers for me. In 8th grade I was Struggling very badly, my parents and teachers talked to me about it and they say I got back on my feet and did better, on paper they are correct i think?? but nothing felt different to me. I still felt the same struggling after I supposedly 'started doing better'. It never felt like I was doing better and sometimes still don't.

I was told I have some learning disabilities but never go formally diagnosed for some reason. I got my adhd diagnosis as an adult, but all that's come of it is I know for sure I have it. I never got diagnosed with discalculia but im am so so certain I have it, I've researched a lot and i know my experiences. It effected me so badly and still fucking does. It's the source of many of my problems STILL. There may be other things going on in my brain but I don't think I count so I don't see a doctor about them. But I also still have the lingering thoughts in the back of my mind anyway, but I can never belive myself so once again ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I have felt stupid since late middle school. I felt stupid in high school. My grades didn't contradict this thought in my head to me since i have a horrible complex set for myself that is way too high, and now I feel stupid as an adult going through uni. I just don't deal with it as often bc my uni doesn't require math 99.9% of the time and I straight up don't read things they give me and work around it (probably unhealthy but eh). I procrastinate until I'm crying through an assignment even though they give me time. I have been told to ask for accommodations, but if they give me extra time I'm just going to procrastinate LONGER and continue to suffer.

My meds only do so much. And trying new ones to find the one that works is daunting as fuck, I'm in school atm and don't have time for the repercussions of going on and off diff meds ever month. I already am doing bad with assignments, I don't need another problem to make that worse. And sure, maybe I find work around without medication, but I also feel I can't do that bc I can't get a handle on my adhd by myself.

I am so so mad at myself for laying in bed unable to get up and start tasks for no reason other than my brain works different and executive dysfunction and task paralysis are attached to my ankles at all time. I feel so fucking stupid, and lazy, and broken and I just don't know what to do with myself rn. If I had time to go to someone and find out all of what is going on with me and find meds that work maybe I'd shut the fuck up but I have zero time for it rn.

Idk, I'm just really feeling the frustration and sadness of neurodivergency rn... actively procrastinating on an assignment due in 2 days as we speak <3 cant get out of bed <3 adhd is a fucking nightmare and anyone who says it isn't real or isn't that bad is wrong and I fkn hate you, this shit is fucking hell.

[uzakhikaye]

I was looking at Goodreads today and somehow I ended up looking at a list of steampunk novels - which then led me to clicking on a couple of Jules Verne books. I mean I did love them as a child.

And my wonderful brain was like why don't I just read all of his works? - Then it realized that would mean reading almost a hundred books and that ain't getting done quickly, which means I'm probably not following through with it, because follow-through seems to be a super power that I failed to manifest in the last 31 years.

Then my brain was like oh why don't I read my childhood faves - BUT IN FRENCH.

Reader, I do not speak French. I have never taken a French course in my life. I am, however, able to read some French because Turkish took a lot of words from it, and it is a European language, and I am just kinda good at languages, but believe me when I say that reading a book in French, no matter how short it may be, would be quite exhausting - if not impossible for me.

But for one short moment there I had this rush of excitement about starting this crazy-ass nonsensical project, which would have probably unraveled into me teaching myself French. It almost became my next hyperfixation, and I still feel the excitement when I think about it. I am so, so tempted, you can't even imagine.

Which brings me to my point: It is kinda exhausting to live like this.

I have a million things to do since we move next month. I have a PhD to finish.

You know what I did in the last 3 years instead of finishing my PhD? I took up sewing, renovated a whole ass room, took several electronic devices apart and fixed them, and fucking taught myself how to code.

I mean these skills on their own are not completely useless, but I sometimes wish I could just fucking do what I'm supposed to do instead of teaching myself a new skill, BUT I CAN'T STOP.

Also, the German healthcare can go fuck itself with its lack of therapists.

[inkskinned]

i both firmly believe that self-diagnosing saved my life and i think that the way tiktok and instagram have recently been spreading misinformation about mental illness/neurodivergence is incredibly harmful.

people who are looking for answers are already people who are in a vulnerable situation.

much of the misinformation appears logically sound; and is presented as definitive fact (prefaced with claims such as "research shows"). it's imperative we remember correlation does not prove causation. it is incredibly dangerous to make definitive statements like "if X happened in your childhood, you now Z as an adult." real scientists will almost always use may or other less-definitive terms. similarly, equating one behavior/experience with any single condition is also unsafe. many conditions have overlapping symptoms; and many people "mask" their key symptoms, even to themselves.

we cannot discern from a singular data point any conclusion. in official diagnosis, for a behavior/experience to be considered a symptom, it must significantly influence your life. many people enjoy an organized space. that is a preference. disrupting your daily life even at personal cost in order to prioritize organization is more likely a symptom.

again, a single data point is not an effective diagnostic tool. it is necessary and important work to catalogue and consider all unwanted/distressing behaviors in order to understand a complete picture of the person.

i will see creators in paid partnerships make generalized behavioral/emotional claims that apply to a large portion of a community, and then they will suggest that the "solution" to that behavior is through their paid partner/through their personal support. "follow for more psych tips/facts" is an incredibly evil marketing tactic. i very rarely see unpartnered/unbranded content on how to aid/comfort those behaviors and feelings.

much of the misinformation employs a subtle technique (called confirmation bias) of setting up a conclusion before "proving" the conclusion. "you know you have X when you experience A,B, and C." no person's experience of their conditions/behaviors will look exactly the same as another's. while knowing certain things might be a sign/symptom of a condition, it is irresponsible to consider it definitive.

confirmation bias is unfortunately extremely effective on tiktok specifically. the algorithm will notice that you interacted longer with the video that "proves" (through a singular video) that you "have" a condition. it will continue to feed you related videos that further confirm what you believe.

this is dangerous because we are, unfortunately, not good at knowing ourselves. i did not know it was unusual to vividly nightmare every night; i didn't consider it a symptom. i was similarly dismissive also of any other signs of my PTSD - i incorrectly assigned them to anxiety/adhd. on the small scale, this can mean a longer journey to healing. on the larger scale, it can mean people with extremely difficult situations are unable to get the help they need.

please, if you can, and you're looking to self-diagnose: be careful about what you assume about yourself. try to keep an honest journal of what you're thinking/feeling/doing for a few days.

do not go in with an assumption. try to keep an open mind. i think we all "suspect" we have something - but like i said, i completely missed my own PTSD symptoms, because i suspected the ADHD the most, and only "saw" those symptoms.

do your own research. if the tiktok says "research shows", google that research. figure out who paid for that research. do further research related to that study - has it ever been repeated? is it peer reviewed? do other researchers seem to accept it as conclusive?

if you feel you really resonate with the materials of one person's experience with a condition, find other examples. see if you relate to other creators who identify similarly.

and please - please do not stop once you come to a conclusion. i fully believe that the diagnostic process should be seen as a first step, not a destination. by knowing what you might be struggling with, you gain an incredibly powerful tool on how to gain peace with that condition.

if you feel yourself emotionally respond to a tiktok/etc that suggests something that might be true about yourself, i'm glad you had that experience. but it's also important to not relax into the "easy" answer. interrogate it. start googling what else that could mean; what ways you could work on healing that wound.

healing does not "belong" to any one condition. i want you to begin to look into healing no matter if you have "proven" you have a condition or not. it is never selfish to practice responsible self-care. even if you don't relate to having adhd, you are not harming me by using adhd-inspired study tips. it is not making my condition worse for you to seek peace by asking for more time on tests. even if it was - the fault would be with the system, not in your need of something the system makes inaccessible.

remind yourself that everything you experience is real. and because it is real, it is complicated. while things might be related - even sometimes clearly related - a stranger on the internet cannot make that discernment for you. you as a person deserve the work, attention, and care that goes into the process of unravelling the harm that has been done to you.

it makes me very, very upset to see how popular these videos have become, because they're so irresponsible. and they clearly are targeting a vulnerable group. for example, making generalized claims about children of unloving caretakers is targeting those who have experienced neglect. there is no way to use 30 second videos to correctly analyze what that neglect might have caused in your adult life. i'm sorry, but it's snake oil.

i know it is so powerful soothing to recognize that you aren't broken. that others exist like you out there. i want every person looking for answers to find their answer. i want you to feel seen and heard and understood. i want you to find your community.

i just want it to happen safely.

[furiousgoldfish]

Was I neglected as a child? Checklist

Bold if you experienced it, italicize if you're not sure. If you read a line and it rings true for you, but you think 'that's my fault because I never said anything', bold that line! This is about your experience, not blame assignment. (tw for painful content ahead)

Physical neglect

I couldn't count on having clean and decent appropriate clothing every day.

I couldn't count on having decent meals every day

It was my responsibility to make food/assure there's clothing even at a very young age, or there would be none

I couldn't count on being taken to a doctor when I needed it

I was not receiving proper vaccinations/medications as a child

I was not taken care of for my injuries, flu's, fevers, or health issues

I was left alone and ignored when sick

I felt guilty, ashamed and/or scared when sick

Nobody noticed if I was injured, sick, or scared of something that was happening to my body

It was safer for me to keep my sickness/injuries/medical fears to myself

I felt it would bother everyone, or make everyone mad with me if I admitted to being sick, hurt, or scared about my well being

I had to take care of other kids as a child, so my physical well being felt like an afterthought, it was something I was supposed to take care of myself

If I was taken care of physically, it was used as a blackmail later, I would be required to allow myself to be controlled as a return 'favour'

My medical issues were neglected to the point where they turned into long-term issues later

Emotional neglect

I haven't felt it was safe or welcome to open up to my parents or caretakers as a child

I was not encouraged or supported in expressing my emotions or experiences

I was not encouraged to speak about my passions, desires, or what I wanted from life

I was repeatedly attacked, shamed, ridiculed or manipulated with any private information I would share, forcing me to learn to hide

I was not welcome to speak unless I was somehow entertaining or giving out vital info

It was communicated to me in subtle or direct ways that it doesn't matter what I want or need, and that nobody cares

I was shamed and accused for wanting/needing attention

I was not receiving supportive or warm physical attention as a child (encouraging pats at the shoulder, affectionate hugs, being stroked in approving/affectionate way)

I felt uncomfortable receiving physical attention from my parents as a child because it communicated ownership and non-consensual enforcement, rather than approval and pride

I felt completely alone in any hardship and pain as a child, and knew nobody would stand by my side

I didn't feel safe asking for help, explanations, reassurance, comfort, physical attention or to be listened to

I felt like a burden if I wanted for someone to hug me and tell me it's all going to be okay

I was never comforted or reassured after crying or having a breakdown

I would get ignored, laughed at, humiliated or punished for crying, breaking down, or exploding in rage

I was taught that what I feel is irrelevant, and I would do better to stop expressing it

I was taught that expressing any painful emotion would get me nowhere, and it was better/safer to hide it

I spend hours crying or breaking down in pain/terror/stress/anxiety/catastrophizing alone with no comfort and nobody who cared or wanted to hear what I was going thru

I was to take the role of comforting and emotionally caretaking for my parents, or other children

Psychological neglect

My parents didn't notice I was depressed/anxious/psychologically unwell

My parents failed to provide me with a diagnosis for adhd, autism, or similar struggle, and I had to live and deal with it all on my own

My parents failed to believe me I was mentally ill or struggling with any kind of disability or trauma, leaving me to endure it all on my own

My fears about my value, or my future, were only intensified by my parents behaviour; I never felt reassured and secure in my current living conditions, and even less my future ones

My parents failed to acknowledge my sexuality, gender, world view, and pretended it wasn't there

My parents failed to notice I was self-harming

My parents failed to notice I was engaging in other self-destructive activities that could have, or did, cause long term damage to my life

My parents failed to notice or do anything about changes in my behaviour that signalled trauma (becoming aggressive, clingy, dissociated, numb, closed up, bed-wetting, nightmares)

My parents failed to notice I was missing school

My parents failed to notice I was failling into addictions

My parents failed to notice I was suicidal

My parents failed to notice my suicide attempts

Lack of protection

I was unsupervised for long periods of time as a small child

I was exposed to physical danger as a child without my parents noticing or reacting to it

I was exposed to physical danger and physical violence, by my parents

I was exposed to pedophiles and child predators as a child and was never warned, protected or removed from their influence

I was introduced to pedophiles and child predators by my family members

I was never given protection from bullies, or any unfair treatment during my education

I was never given support or comfort after being hurt by a stranger or a peer

I was bullied/abused/sexually assaulted by another child, and nobody noticed

I was bullied/abused/sexually assaulted by a sibling/neighbour/relative/teacher/peer, and nobody noticed/nobody stood by my side or tried to protect me

I was groomed by a predator (who could even be a family member) and nobody protected me or stopped it from happening

I was exposed to and groomed by a cult, and nobody seemed to notice, care, or help me get out of it

I was not given the knowledge to recognize a sexual assault on me, or grooming or any other predatory behaviour from strangers or other adults

I never felt protected from any outside danger, or felt like I was worth protecting; instead I was taught to feel guilty and ashamed for getting hurt at all

If you have bolded more than 4 of these, you have experienced neglect, and you were forced to struggle alone thru experiences that you were not meant to handle or survive on your own. Neglect is the type of abuse that will have the most disastrous consequences on your trust in people, your relationships, self worth, feeling of community, and will ensure that everything you were put thru is unexpressed, unresolved, and weighing down on your life. You did not deserve to be neglected like this, and none of the above is the result of your behaviour. You were not supposed to be put thru any of this alone, much less as a child.

[fbfh]

adhd!JJ x adhd!reader hcs

wc: 1k

warnings: mentions of RSD, diagnosis is a privelage, mistaking undiagnosed adhd as bad personality traits and flaws, kooks "doing adderall for fun", self medicating with caffiene, you know JJ has adhd before he does, floor time!!!! <333, implied JJ developing a crush on reader, brief optional JJ braiding readers hair, cuddling, emotionally supportive friends

a/n: JJ maybank needs a lot of stimulants kisses and cuddles <3

tags: @yesv01 @justbookworm @afidiofobia

Being best friends with the pogues was great

You’re all like family, and you might be struggling but you’re struggling together

One particular drawback of being a pogue is that once you had had enough of not knowing why some things are so hard for you

And you finally started researching why you’re like this

Why you struggle with things that no one else bats an eyelash at

Why one piece of media consumes your entire life for a period of time, then you totally forget it exists, then the obsession comes back with a vengeance

Why you’re so fucking sensitive

And bad at school in spite of genuinely trying your literal hardest

Why you’ve been drinking coffee and energy drinks since middle school

You came to the conclusion that you probably have adhd

The drawback is that getting a diagnosis isn’t a possibility in any way shape or form

At least right now

You know you’ll probably just have to get through high school then figure out how to try and get tested or get a diagnosis after you graduate and are an adult

Which sucks

But what else can you do?

You don’t have a fraction of the privilege kooks have, some of them even have doctors for parents 

They do adderall for fun, you need it to make your bed and brush your teeth consistently 

So yeah that’s pretty shitty

You decided to stay away from trying to get any kind of meds or drugs under the counter, since caffeine can work the same way

You figure it’s safer to stick with your beloved coffee and energy drinks

It also clicked that those times when you felt like caffeine is a placebo or you’re just so tired that it’s not doing anything

Nope

Turns out you just have a dopamine deficiency lol 

So over time you fell down the rabbit hole of adhd research

You found out all the other bizarre things you’ve been doing are actually signs and symptoms

Needing a tv show to play at night or you can’t sleep, having literally no sense of time, getting “upset over nothing” and feeling like someone hates you when a joke isn’t as well received as you expect or when you try to tell someone something and they’re not really paying attention

Yeah that last one (your least favorite) even has a name!!

It’s RSD aka rejection sensitive dysphoria and it’s a real bitch!!

You end up not telling anyone you’re pretty sure you have adhd

Even the pogues

Mostly because part of your brain is worried about how they’ll react

And if you got RSD from that it would be a literal nightmare to deal with 

So you decide to keep it to yourself 

For now at least

The thing is, the more research you do 

The more you notice similar traits and symptoms in JJ

Just like with you, everything that looks like a personality flaw is actually a glaring sign of undiagnosed neurodivergence

With a better understanding of yourself and (most likely) of what JJ’s also going through

You start to understand each other a little better

It’s like you’re speaking the same language yk

This earned you the nickname “the JJ whisperer” very quickly

You can draw his attention away from something that should not have his attention

By bringing up something else that should not have his attention

But the second thing isn’t dangerous/harmful

So it counts as a good distraction

You and JJ will talk at the speed of light 

And you conversations will make no sense to anyone but you two

Because you both understand each others dolphin brains

At one point everyone you can tell he’s stressing

You lay down flat on the floor, patting the ground next to you

The rest of the pogues watch in amazement as he sighs, lays on the ground next to you, and almost instantly chills out

“This is just such a stupid thing to argue about, I hate fighting with you guys”

No one knows what magic you work on him or why it’s so much easier to articulate his thoughts and feelings during floor time

Sometimes the other pogues join you for floor time too

They don’t really get it but they’re happy to support yall

Sometimes Kie will see you bringing JJ a monster or a caffeinated lemonade 

ALSO FOR ALL MY ADHD BABES PANERA HAS LEMONADE WITH LIKE 400 MG OF CAFFEINE <3333 LOVE IT

Anyway Kie will be like is that a good idea??? This late at night????

You’re like I know what I’m about son

You and JJ sleep like BABIES

They watch you in shock as you and JJ finish you beverages and curl up on John B’s couch in the chateau 

You’re out like lights all cuddled up and snuggled up together

Whenever he really starts to feel like shit you pull him aside for a sidebar

You’re able to help talk him out of his self loathing spirals bc guess what!! You’ve experienced the same thing!!

You know what he’s going through cause you’re going through a similar thing yk

If you like having your hair played with/have hair that’s long enough to be braided

You’d better believe you teach JJ how to braid hair

And he will stim/fidget by braiding your hair whenever he can

He gets little heart flutters when you leave the hair braids he gives you in for the rest of the day

Whenever shit goes down

Whenever an argument or fight or something goes down

You’re the first person he goes to

Because he knows you’ll get it

And of course you do

You speak the same language 

JJ: same hat!! <3

You: same hat!! <3

[neurospicy]

Why is it so fucking expensive to seek an adult autism diagnosis? I know there’s more going on with me than just my adhd. I’ve never seen anyone else with adhd that struggles quite to the extent that I am. I can’t seem to handle very basic, everyday things without getting overwhelmed. I burn out so easily to the point that my ability to function decreases even more.

For example, everyone has to work. Lots of people with adhd also manage to work, even if they end up job hopping a lot. Even when I had medication, it was like I still couldn’t handle the stress. I would have a whole breakdown every day before work, literally thinking about harming myself or wrecking my car intentionally to avoid having to be there, feeling this crushing dread, anger, exhaustion, the negative thought spirals throughout the day, getting off or ending the week and not even being able to relax or enjoy yourself because the knowledge that you have to go back so soon is looming over you. Not being able to sleep because of the crushing dread of knowing you have to wake up and get back on that metaphorical treadmill, having nightmares about it when you do sleep.

Obviously the easy answer would be to simply get a different job, but the thing is that this has been every job I’ve ever had…and I’ve had a LOT of them. It isn’t just the work, though that feeling of not doing something that feels meaningful is definitely soul-crushing, but no, instead it’s the stress of pushing past a severe level of executive function until I no longer can and I begin to make mistake after mistake. It’s the draining exhaustion of seeing the same people and being forced into the same small talk. It’s not having any energy left to clean my house, cook, have a life, or pursue my special interests/hyperfixations. It’s feeling trapped in a schedule that doesn’t work with my needs or energy levels and eventually turns me into a shell of my former self. It’s knowing that each time I get fired and have that time to recover before being forced to re-enter the world that I never fully get back to what I once was. I lose a piece of myself and my ability to function lessens each time.

It’s frustrating because it’s like if I could just manage to work and keep working full time long enough, I could get insurance and get assessed, because I know deep down I’m on the spectrum…but I’ve gotten fired before that happens each time. It’s like I’m trapped in this cycle of not functioning well without support but not having the resources to seek a diagnosis so that I can get support. I feel like the system has failed me and like I’ve slipped through the cracks. It’s hard to have much hope because everyone always tells people that you have to help yourself or change what you don’t like, but it’s like I’m literally unable to get to the point where I can even do that.

[tfw-adhd]

Hey! I've been referred to an ADHD diagnostic service for adults in my city, which is in the UK. I have filled out some questionnaires, and I have had two (telephone) interviews totalling up to about 2 hours call time, where I was asked questions about my symptoms throughout childhood and adolescence. After the second interview, I was told that the next step in the process was that in ~2 months, maybe more, I would get a letter from the service.

Unfortunately, I have no idea what this letter is for. I could not understand my interviewer very well as they had an accent and the phone line was quite bad (no hate to them, I think it's just my APD). I tried to ask them to elaborate, but after a few times where I didn't understand, I was also so tired and anxious from the interview that eventually, I just pretended I had understood.

My first concern is that this step was not commonly listed in the process for getting diagnosed with ADHD in the UK. All websites where I have looked up the UK diagnostic process mention questionnaires and interviews, but say it usually ends there and the patient receives a diagnosis. Secondly, I obviously have no idea what the letter is even about, and I'd quite like to know so at least some of my questions are answered. I unfortunately can't ask my interviewer again as they use a private number to call me.

So, I wondered if maybe you or your UK followers who've been through the process could shed some light on the subject? Anyone have any similar experiences, and be able to tell me what this mystery letter is?

Thank you so much and I'm sorry for sending such a long ask, I know it's probably a nightmare to read lol.

Sent 2nd September~

Hi! From my own experience with the diagnostic process, I’d say that it’ll probably either be a letter with another questionnaire attached, or it’ll be a letter inviting you to another appointment.

For my diagnostic process, I had to have 3 appointments with adhd specialists (two were video calls, the last is meant to be in person) and they sent a letter each time with the info for the next appointment.

[nyxetoile]

Hi Nyx! I’m in need of some internet-mom advice.

I have an adult-ADHD assessment in a week and I’m absolutely paralyzed with fear that’s the doctor is going to dismiss me and send me away, after 7 moths of waiting.

I’ve done some research, got a childhood testimony from my parent and wrote all my symptoms down.

Is there anything I can do to calm down and/or prepare better for the visit?

I’m going to someone that specifically specializes in adult-ADHD, so I’m hoping they know what they are taking about, but the first “generic” psychiatrist I had to go to to get a referral was a nightmare and left me kind of scarred (I’m in a difficult uni and I was sitting still during the visit, so obviously I was lying)…

Any words of reassurance would be helpful and appreciated

Oh, honey. Come sit. Have some tea and shortbread cookies. Made fresh.

It's scary to go to the doctor for something like this. There's always the risk you'll get one of those asshole doctors everyone has a story about. They'll dismiss your fears or tell you what you think you have doesn't exist or suggest perhaps all would be solved if you lost some weight.

It sounds like you've done a lot to prepare. Have a list of symptoms and information from others is a great idea. I also suggest writing down questions if you think of them. Including some in case they are dismissive or tell you they think you don't have ADHD. Something like "Is there another diagnosis that fits the symptoms/issues I've brought up today?" and/or "What do you suggest my next steps be, since these symptoms are negatively effecting my life?" Having them written down ahead of time will give you something to fall back on if you're thrown off by their demeanor or get answers you weren't expecting.

The doctor can have their opinion but you are the one living in your skin and will need to be your own advocate. That can be scary and hard and exhausting. But the only way to get help is to not take no for an answer and keep pushing and asking questions until you get answers that help.

That being said, if after all this research and waiting and childhood testimonies you feel confident you have ADHD (or perhaps some other neurodivergence that you're unaware of or perhaps even several) then I think it's unlikely an ADHD specialist will brush you off. If he or she does not see ADHD as a suitable diagnosis, they will be in a great position to help you find a more accurate one. They may even be able to point you to resources to help with your symptoms in the meantime, or be willing to prescribe medication, if that's something you're interested in.

My son is neurodivergent. He is probably on the spectrum. He definitely has sensory processing problems and a speech delay attributed to auditory dyslexia. He might have ADHD. He is not medicated, but has accommodations at school and home and does really well. As his neurologist said "the diagnosis isn't as important as improving the symptoms." Sometimes you need the dx for insurance or work/school needs. But a lot of the time, getting your symptoms improved and addressed is the first step in improving your life, with or without a solid diagnosis.

I wish you a positive, productive appointment and hope you get answers and resources that help. Let me know what happens if you want. I love you, sweetie, you're perfect as you are and you will get through this.

[verypissedoffdee]

So, apparently I have adhd. It's still a self diagnosis for now, but all that I've found about adult adhd, I can relate to 90% of the symptoms. Rest I might have, I just don't remember or I might not have noticed because my memory is shit and I am inattentive.

I really thought adhd is only hyperactivity that some kids showed.

It all makes so much sense now. My life is kind of unravelling before me now and I'm finally realising that I'm not lazy or indisciplined or disorganised or a fucking lost cause!

I kind of pity myself because I really have been struggling...for a loooong time. It's good to finally find an explanation.

It'll still be a nightmare to get help, because I don't think people around me will understand. Or maybe they would idk. I don't trust myself to ask for help, or even go to the doctor. I always avoid getting treated for stuff. I will try though.. ignoring it won't make it go away, and I honestly need help.

But, I now know it's something that can be managed and something that others also struggle with. So thank you Tumblr! I knew you were good for things other than finding me shit to obsess over... You came through!

And ofcourse the amazing people who wrote about their struggles and helped me realise.... You probably won't see this but Thank you!