#and even though I wanted a quick resolution - I'll admit it is better written to not have anything fixed immediately

[sadhornydemons]

**hugs to my fellow shippers**

Well, buckle up Stolitz shippers, we're officially in SLOW BURN territory, but we'll get there.

[thisisnotyourordinarygal]

December 30, 2021

This is not my first attempt in starting a personal diary or a blog. Actually, there have been multiple. The last attempt was creating a wordpress blog with the same title as this one. I actually spent quite some time on it and it turned out good if I may say so: https://thisisnotyourordinarygal.wordpress.com

And guess what? In my first blog entry I talked about my want and need for expressing my thoughts in a more compressed way. That I have been yearning for an outlet for my mental health. Because sometimes my emotions can get too much and it is not a bad idea to try to narrow it down on paper or in this case - a blog.

But guess what. I did not keep up with it. Work and everything else (chaotic overthinking included) took over and I forgot about it. I thought that there are other things to do than spend time on just pondering.

Globally, the reason why I haven't kept up with this resolution goes as follows. I give too much thought or expectations about the end result. I think that in order to express my thoughts there needs to be an audience, otherwise it's not worth pursuing. However, living with this view on doing creative things is a bit tough, right? Having my eyes on the end result has worked in a work setting but there is a downside to that. I ignore the process of creating. I admit that I always try my hardest in order to achieve some kind of a "respect" or "admiration" from others while forgetting about myself. Hello, burnout.

Hence, I know that (because I have promised to myself that I will keep up with my writing and this promise has failed in the past) it is not a great idea to give such a promise again. Yet, I'm an optimist and I believe that this time with the whole "New Year, New Me" theme and not being able to think of other realistic resolutions this year, I will stay with this one. Let's see.

With daily journaling (not only in the form of writing, but also by saving visual material) I hope to work through anxiety and stress. I want to clear my mind of all the frustrations from the past and release the anxieties of things in the future. It is said that keeping a diary can be a great way to record your thoughts and stay in touch with yourself. I'd like that, thank you very much.

I'm not a writer (even though I would like to be. Does writing applications to court count??) so I'm not expecting to have earth-shattering, beautifully written revelations on every single entry. Well, at least not every day, haha. I do understand that to keep up with this resolution sometimes there will be quick five-minute entries right before I head to sleep. But something is better that nothing and that will be my motto as I approach this task.

I really want this to be a place solely for me. A private space to let everything go. And in order for it to be so, I can't let the fear of writing something "dumb and cheesy" stop me from learning so much about myself. And the phrase "journaling isn't for me" just isn't cutting anymore if I keep getting back to it.

So here it is. My first personal entry. A place to philosophize and theorize (as if I'm not doing that enough with my friends and family). A place to write about what is making me happy and what is making me sad.

I'll be back with more to say tomorrow. For now that's it.