#and at times I feel like ppl have a hard time distinguishing who's worth their time and who isnt

[onlinelvrs]

There's nothing inherently bad about going with the flow. It allows u time to think it allows u to not have to decide in the moment. To some degree it's very freeing but at times going with the flow is a sure way to dismiss ur own values and standards. Should I really see where this goes or am I going with the flow as a way to ignore that this situation, this person, etc, is actually not worth my time to begin with.

[ukiyowi]

𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐎 𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄𝐒 𝐈

Note: These are my observations if it doesn't resonate scroll xx

Masterlist || Tip 🍯

𐂲 I've recently noticed, whatever sign your mars is in and whichever body part that sign rules, can often result in getting accidentally hurt or random in that part. (Example, Mars in gemini = getting hurt on arms/hands, in Capricorn = scalp/knees/teeth, in Aries = head/sometimes cheekbones, etc)

𐂲 One thing I've noticed about Virgo risings is how much they underestimate themselves, they also usually have trouble with anxiety and overthinking

𐂲 Mystic rectangles give a lot of balance to a person but it can also come with multiple internal hardships and conflicts (in forms of insomnia or mental illnesses) and they often need external help to reach their full potential

𐂲 Pluto - Neptune hard aspects especially squares bring into consideration the back and forth between transformation versus illusion, what I mean by that is they have trouble distinguishing patterns in their cycles and may think they're imagining changes rather than believing that it's real (I hope this makes sense I've been trying to word it for the past 5 mins)

𐂲 I know we talk a lot about Leo Risings having great hair but imo Pisces rising have such luscious hair, like they have sm volume and shine to them?? They also look like a waterfall, just flowing, it's so pretty <//3

𐂲 Saturn in 4th/5th/11th house can overshare on the internet about everything going on with their lives

𐂲 Pluto in 6th house feel powerful only when they're working, so they never stop and even when they feel burnt out, they feel their sense of self and self worth is only tied to what they can give, therefore they may face guilt when they try to rest.

𐂲 This is simply a personal observation/theory but I have noticed that people who have a lot of degrees that are higher in number like 20+ often feel more comfortable with people older than them especially if those degrees sit in Pluto or Saturn

𐂲 I've noticed Aries mercuries also have very heavy footsteps, you can hear the thump 😭

𐂲 12th house Pluto are their own best friend and worst enemy, they may enable bad habits for others and justify the same for themselves, HOWEVER once the natives know how to harness the power of Pluto and understand it better, they can be really influential because a lot of people may be subconsciously attracted to the power they possess.

𐂲 Can we talk about Leo risings and how good their self concept is? Like... Please teach me tysm

𐂲 LIBRA PLACEMENTS IN GENERAL HAVE SUCH A HARD TIME WITH HEALTHY BOUNDARIES I'LL CRY- I have a friend with Libra venus and she can never say no to someone especially if she starts liking them :// and it's so hard to see ppl just take advantage of her, I also have friends and relatives with Libra in the big 3 and not only are they complete givers, they also have such a hard time taking, they feel guilty.

✓✓✓ Going to be mean to some of my placements/aspects now

𐂲 Venus conjunct Mars are so fucking clingy but ALSO so flighty🤨🤨choose ??? Do you want to be in this relationship (platonic/romantic) or do you not, stop being so hot and cold (it may help if I tell you both of these are in gemini for me)

𐂲 Chiron - moon placements have mommy issues or wounds related to their mothers/maternal figures in their lives

𐂲 Jupiter virgos can be such doormats at times, just because you want to help people doesn't mean you keep emptying your cup to fill others'.

𐂲 Mercury in 1st have their self worth TIED to their intelligence, like stop flaunting your knowledge, low-key looks insecure.

𐂲 Jupiter opposition Uranus has such rebel without a cause energy, what are you going to "rebel" against now, please sit down for a second

𐂲 Mars Square Ascendant, people with this aspect are always ready to fight, feel like everything is a personal attack, and are terrible at being alone

✓✓✓ Back to your regularly scheduled programme

𐂲 Something I've wanted to say to each stellium I've met so far:

𐂲 Aries: You have a lot of life in you, hand some over🤲🤲🤲, seriously though you guys look at everything with such wonder and curiosity, you're also kinda impatient but that's fine with me :")

𐂲 Sagittarius: You're so cool, I want to be like you, introspective, self aware, your humour is a little concerning at times but you teach me so much all the time, you're the guide I've always wished for

𐂲 Leo: You're a born entertainer and at times I can be a bit envious because of how bright you shine, leaving me in the shadows, but I love you and your love for life regardless, you're a star

𐂲 Gemini: You are so stealthy in everything you do, sometimes you slip through the cracks, a trickster (affectionate), I love how you can be mischievous one second and completely serious the next

𐂲 2nd house: You're just so understanding and make me feel like home, it's like you are home personified, very warm and comforting, also so abundant in everything it's crazy

𐂲 8th house: Stop making me talk about my feelings I'll cry >:(( no but seriously, you guys have something about you that just makes people face what they're avoiding, and you are so good at empathising with them.

[ectonurites]

why do comic artists feel the need to put the ugliest fucking expressions on characters constantly like. cant ppl look normal for once David please. what is wrong with these ppls facial muscles

SO on the one hand I do get what you mean and agree to an extent, but on the other I want to give a bit of defense for comic artists on this.

Comic book art’s goal isn’t always to be pretty. Sometimes it is, and usually based on context you can kinda figure out those moments, but often the goal is far more ‘tell the story’.

Superhero comics in particular are action heavy stories, there needs to be movement and clear-to-distinguish emotions on these pieces of non-moving art. Also, when we’re looking at digital comics we can zoom in on a ton, we need to remember these are printed too and will be at a size there that can’t be zoomed in on- things need to be distinguishable at the scale they’re printed too (even if maybe they look silly when zoomed further in the ways we can on digital versions).

Additionally, comic issues are typically around 32 pages and often all of that will be pencilled by one artist (it can be more, it can be less, or can be split up among multiple artists, but that’s not an uncommon page count)- and these books will have multiple characters showing up multiple times on most pages, that is a lot of total faces. So I think sometimes we as fans can end up being a bit too nitpicky with things like that.

You want things to look nice but you often literally just can’t put the time and energy and detail to make everything necessarily beautiful on a page- aside from the time/workload issues it’d present it’d also probably end up way too visually busy and be harder to follow anyways (especially if there’s lots of text)! Obviously there’s exceptions, some people work quicker, some people’s detailed styles manage to make the details not distracting, there’s a lot of variance (and color also plays a role in this, sometimes even if the pencil/ink work is detailed simpler coloring can keep things from getting too busy). But getting the story across effectively is the goal, guiding the reader from point A to point B. You want your characters’ emotions to be clear and fit what’s going on and tell the story, every individual panel/face being pretty when standing alone really isn’t the priority.

Ultimately the point I’m getting at is that using lots of more exaggerated expressions to get specific emotions across clearly that maybe aren’t all that pretty can absolutely be worth it for communicating the intent and telling a story. I’d rather some kinda ugly but really expressive faces than like… just everyone showing really held back emotions all the time that are hard to read anything into and looking more like dolls/action figures than people (which this does happen too, especially with female characters who won’t be allowed to emote in the same ‘ugly’ ways, and it’s boring!)

But all that in mind, sometimes the art/an expression can just be unappealing in a way that absolutely doesn’t fit the story or help get emotion across, and can be outright distracting from the story. These ideas can coexist. Like, comic art can absolutely be bad, it’s not above criticism. But I think especially when people are seeing out of context panels float rather than reading something in the context of a full page/a full issue, some of these things about how comics are made can get lost, and people judge without the right context. If the main focal point of a page has a really nicely done piece of art and you’re just zoomed in on a kind of ugly face on a smaller panel, that’s giving a skewed perspective of the artist’s work.

But I gotta say, when a face that showed up in an issue is so unappealing it’s memorable enough I can recall the page and issue number on command? That’s just something I see as plain bad. Tim’s face on page 2 of Robin #29. The context of the full page doesn’t help because it is the biggest focal point on the page.

[zenosanalytic]

Growing Up is Hard; It’s Hard and Nobody Understands

So I noticed netflix has Neon Genesis Evangelion up last week and started watching it front to back for the first time ever(this happens to have coincided with me being in a down-mood for your edification, dear readers u_u), finished it today, REALLY liked it, and I wanted to try my hand at explaining what the hell is even going on in NGE cuz it actl seemed super-clear to me(a person who has been consuming NGE analysis and post-NGE media for literally 25 years) u_u

Surface Plot; Or NERV: What the Hell Is It?

I’ll try to make this as brief as possible: An organization of super-wealthy individuals calling itself Seele(looking this up, it means soul in german) wants to possess the power of God. The final third or so of the series is clear on this; it’s all about power. Ikari Yui, a geneticist, is recruited by this organization, and her husband Gendo(having taken her name which says a LOT given typical Japanese practice) comes with her. In seeking out this power, they discover a hollow sphere underneath Antarctica(”The White Moon”), send an expedition there under the guise of the UN, encounter an entity with this power which they label an “Angel”, and do SOMETHING which prompts it to explode the continent flooding the earth and killing half the population(that Gendo left beforehand implies this may have been intentional, or that a bad outcome to Seele’s approach was easy to predict, tho in typical Gendo fashion, his is the only ass he cared to save).

Afterwards Seele blame the scientists for this outcome and send Gendo on a salvage mission which recovers both remains of the Angel, now dubbed “Adam”, and a device they dub “the spear of Longinus”. Seele creates Gehirn to study these remains for practical use; they clone “Adam” and dub the result Evas(Eves). Having cloned them, they now need a way to use and control them as the Evas are non-responsive. They hit on the idea of injecting people into them via the Entry Plug system, presumably to act as a brain. The first person to try this, Ikari Yui, was absorbed by the Eva(Unit 01); the second(Soryu Kyoko Zeppelin; Asuka’s mother) was partially psychologically absorbed by Unit 02, psychologically and mentally injured by this, institutionalized, abandoned by her shit USian husband Langley who remarried to her LEAD DOCTOR, and eventual kills herself in a hanging which Asuka either is the first to discover or, given her memories of promising to die with her/begging her not to do it, was present for. An important thing to note about this: Shinji and Asuka’s ability to sync with their Evas comes from the fact that their mothers are PART of their Eva’s identity, and all of their classmates are potential pilot-candidates. The implication here is that Seele KNEW this happened when you put adults into an Angel, and they KEPT DOING IT ANYWAY to create more pilots, but there’s no confirmation of that in series.

After the attempt at human adult control fails, Gendo combines Yui’s DNA with Adam’s and creates Rei. At the same time he is doing this another team, under Akagi Naoko, is developing Magi, a biomechanical computer for simulating the human mind(again: certain implication to this re: Evas though the series never says anything). Naoko is romantically interested in Gendo, and they start getting together(Gendo’s too much of an asshole to be said to date, I think). After Rei, a toddler, tells her Gendo calls her an “old woman” in private, not realizing this is insulting, Naoko kills her, then kills herself out of shame over having MURDERED A CHILD, and Gehirn is folded into a new organization, NERV, which Gendo is put in charge of. Rei forms the basis of the second attempt at controlling the Evas; child-pilots.

How they use Rei for this I’m not exactly sure. It could be because Rei is cloned from Yui(she easily syncs with Unit 01 before Shinji bonds with it completely), or because she’s part Angel via her Adam element(Kaworu says Angels merge with one another easily and naturally), or it could be they did something with Rei I’s corpse and Unit 00(I dont see how as it seems to require a LIVE pilot). Regardless, she is raised to be the pilot for 00, the prototype. MUCH later, when the rest of the Angels finally decide to come looking for Adam, Shinji is called in, and after his success Asuka(who like Rei and unlike Shinji has been training to pilot her whole life) is called to Nerv headquarters(under Japan, in the “Black Moon”; a second spherical hollow where they found another Angel they call Lilith) too.

Regardless the child-pilots are only a step in Nerv and Seele’s plans, as Rei is ALSO the template for the Dummy Plug system, the final step in complete control of Eva units. To put it simply, the Dummy Plugs are Rei-clones without her personality or memories, and will just do whatever the heck they’re ordered to. At least once during the series(and I’d argue two, possibly three times) Rei dies and is replaced by one of these clones through some process, which involves what looks like a pre 00 Eva’s spine and probably a Magi-like backup, which transfers her personality and memories into the new body.

So what is Nerv? Well it’s hard to say EXACTLY because Gendo is in some sort of conflict with Seele(and I want to keep my watches of End of Evangelion out of this post; to focus entirely on JUST NGE itself) and Nerv IS Gendo, but as the series states repeatedly it’s an attempt to control the future of humanity by controlling what they call “the power of god” which, given that it’s what most distinguishes the “Angels”, is the AT, or “Absolute Terror”, Field. What is the AT Field? It’s a field that can make or unmake any kind of matter or energy from basically nothing, and it also seems to have a strong tie to what you could call the Ego; to desires and sense-of-self. An AT Field gets stronger when the person generating it is experiencing powerful emotions; Confidence, sure, but also Fear, Abandonment, the Will to Live, and Anger.

That last bit is very important. Why? Strong AT Field effects require a powerful emotional motivation in the pilot combined with high sync-rates with the Eva(basically a lobotomized Angel-clone) generating the Field. The three pilots we meet, the Strongest candidates, are all exceedingly traumatized people, and Gendo is the direct cause of the trauma of two of them. At no point in the series is Gendo ever a good father to Shinji, he is CONSTANTLY unreasonable, neglectful, and cruel to him; he’s kinder to Rei but at the same time her loneliness, the state of her “home”, and her lack of self worth shows that he rarely interacts with her outside of missions or explains what’s going on beyond bald facts; and he COMPLETELY ignores Asuka, a deeply lonely child with a history of abandonment and close brushes with death; he even delegates bumping her from the program. This point is important because it’s important to recognize that Gendo is a bad dad on PURPOSE; that he instrumentalizes his bad dadness to traumatize Shinji(and Rei and Asuka, though sadly the series doesn’t focus on them enough for us to see much) as much as he can, because he thinks that trauma, that emotional instability and anger, MAKES SHINJI A MORE USEFUL PILOT; ie lets him generate more powerful AT Fields. This is never said clearly, but it’s clearly what’s going on as forcing Unit 01(and thus Shinji) into awful, heartbreaking, life-threatening situations is vital to his plan. Gendo’s a piece of shit, and I want ppl to recognize just HOW BIG a piece of shit he is, because I feel this powerfully.

And for what? For Power. To be “God”. To get the highest numbers. To generate the MOST Invincible Invincibility Shield. For Ridiculous, Absurd, Childish reasons. For, you know, the same reasons rich and powerful people do all the fucked up shit they do in the real world where giant magic robots thankfully DONT exist.

And how do they plan to do this? Through “Human Instrumentation”, which will literally kill everyone by turning them all into goo.

Metaplot; Or “SHINJI! Don’t Get in that Robot!!”

So, maybe this is just because(as said previously) I’ve been reading NGE Analysis and consuming media which NGE heavily inspired for ~25 years, but I think it’s old hat at this point to note that Neon Genesis Evangelion is ALSO an allegory for becoming an adult, centered on Shinji. However, it’s just really SO on the nose in this, so PERFECT as such a narrative, that I want to run through it real quick. Also: A Cruel Angel’s Thesis is basically a thesis-statement for this series; please check out the lyrics.

So Shinji is living under the guardianship of a teacher(yup: this series even takes a swing at how our society uses schools to warehouse kids so their parents can waste their lives producing “Value” instead of raising them), when the shitty dad that abandoned him decides he has a use for him after all and calls him up.

On meeting with a child he has not seen SINCE HE WAS A TODDLER LITERALLY ABANDONED HIM ON THE STREET WHEN HIS MOTHER DIED he immediately ambushes him with the command that he get in a huge body(that he grow up) to do what? Whatever Gendo tells him to, but specifically: commit acts of violence for Gendo and Seele’s profit. He tells him this will protect people; meanwhile doing it destroys those peoples’ literal homes. The rest of the series is a series of monotonous, incomprehensible “Tests” judging his, and his peers, worthiness for approval and affection on the basis of how well they can use those giant bodies to do what Gendo tells them(so: capitalist work), punctuated by unpredictable, brutal, traumatizing, and physically dangerous events(so: capitalist work). Every friend, and the one lover, he meets, he is placed in unnecessary, destructive competition with and, when they are male, forced to attack and(in the case of the one lover, Kaworu) kill them; this last comment on homophobia is so stark and obvs I don’t even feel like you can CALL it subtext, even IF it plays out over mostly a single episode(honestly this plotline should have been given more time). And all the time they’re doing this, they must ALSO continue going to school and maintaining the front that they’re happy smiley Heroes, completely normal and not traumatized at all, and Nerv and the government that lets them run this city is a great and wonderful organization. Is this not what becoming an adult, over your teens and 20s, feels like?

And then there’s Seele and Nerv. Able to move state governments as they wish, Seele CAUSED Second Impact(Global Warming). By not returning Adam’s remains, they’re CAUSING the Angel attacks on Nerv meant to retrieve them(the threat of Human extinction). The Angels eventually begin trying to communicate and Nerv’s response? Destroy them before they can; blow up the Evas(and their pilots) if they succeed. And to top it all off Seele and Nerv are actually trying to CAUSE the very extinction(Third Impact) they claim to be preventing! Seele and Nerv are just SUCH good metaphors for capitalism in our modern day.

The transwoman reading of Shinji also seems pretty dang strong to me, though I’ll only deal with it shallowly. Shinji is the only “male” of all the pilots. Outside of command and security, most Nerv staff are women. Being an Eva pilot, being Nerv staff, is marked as “feminine”, and Shinji is an Eva pilot; is a Nerv staffer. The body he gets into, Unit 01, acts as a metaphor for the large, imposing, masculine body he’s expected to have as an adult “man”, yet it’s also spiritually his mom -feminine- and his ability to use it is tied DIRECTLY with his ability to “Sync” with that spirit; with his ease and comfort being feminine. Even at the level of mere aesthetics, Shinji’s plugsuit makes him appear to have breasts! Going a bit deeper, he initially relates to the women around him by relating to their gender. He’s most at ease with Rei because of the personality traits she shares with him which, we know from his gender-policing of Misato from earlier in the series, are traits he considers feminine(ie: he doesn’t feel like Misato has them, so he thinks she’s being a woman “wrong” and gets oddly offended by this in a way that really feels more about him than her). Asuka is constantly expressing her frustration with him for not “being a man”, ie, for being “feminine” in her eyes, and he isn’t really bothered by it(her calling him an idiot seems to stick much more firmly). Misato and Shinji establish a modus vevendi when she accepts him as he is, allowing him to do the household chores and to cook; he’s comfortable and happy when accepted into roles his culture considers feminine, while most of the series is him bucking AGAINST the masculinity forced on him by Nerv, his father, and others. Again: this is a very surface-level engagement with the subject, but even at that shallow level I feel like the case for reading Shinji as a transwoman is pretty solid.

Dislikes

It’s not a perfect series by any means of course.

There’s allot of dialogue that’s pure 90s nonsense, though the series mostly includes it only to shoot it down.

Like I said above, I don’t think Rei and Asuka really get the time or attention they deserve. In general the series treatment of women is ...Weird... especially around the issue of sex. It’s really strange; in many ways it’s far better than most anime(spcl from that period) on this. Women are ACTUAL PEOPLE with psychology, opinions, and pasts; they’re allowed to have emotions of their own, and struggles, and to be damn competent; they are independent and their own selves rather than accessories or “prizes” to men. But on the issue of feminine sexuality it just gets suddenly so weird in this very particular old-school misogynist way. Like: it treats women’s attraction and reactions TO relationships as something devoid of and impenetrable to reason, without belittling the emotions(the desire and hurt) behind those reactions. That’s the only way I can describe it, and it’s so strange to see something that is both so insulting and sympathetic at once. Oh, and the Akagis in particular are done super-dirty for seemingly no reason I can see, tho I can guess, and Akagi Ritsuki is CLEARLY a lesbian(possibly bi lesbian) and also Rose Lalonde(srsl; her Deal should have been an unrequited, unspoken crush on Misato. They openly dealt with queerness re: Kaworu and Shinji they could have done it here too).

The Kaworu storyline should have been a series of episodes or even developed from the start with him as another pilot(maybe replace Toji with him), though they’d have to tone down his weirdness, at least at the start. A deeper dive on Shinji’s sexuality(honestly his attraction to Kaworu is SO much more immediate and believable than anything we see with him and Asuka, which there is basically nothing of beyond the ep where they had to do choreography for a fight, and that’s not developed on) would have really been appreciated, and having Kaworu be a bigger part of the series would have facilitated that.

Also honestly the whole series feels a bit rushed? Spcl the second half. Like I said: I haven’t done any followup reading lately, but I remember there being some budget problems or something, so maybe that’s the cause. Ironically it might actl also be why it’s as GOOD as it is; having to keep it short forces you to write concise and lean, and that’s probably why its themes and message are so clear. But, I’d have liked more rambling for character development, and more time spent on seeing Rei and Asuka react to the stresses we saw Shinji face(also they never really get moments to shine like he does; another negative common to the medium and genre). Asuka in particular, as a Japanese German with a USian temperament abandoned by her parents, already an outsider in SO many ways, coming to live in an entirely different culture where she’s even MORE of an outsider; forced to live with people(Misato and Shinji) she finds it impossible to relate to or connect with; who has literally NO ONE beside a single adult guardian who totally blows her off THE WHOLE SERIES after delivering her; PLUS her awful past: there’s just SO MUCH material I’d have loved to see explored more slowly and with greater depth, detail, and sympathy even if what IS there already is pretty powerful and effecting. She’s SUCH a good Vriska(so I’d also have loved to see her break more shit too >:>)

Conclusion

So Anyway: I really liked this series. It had its problems, there are things I’d have liked to see, but it absolutely deserves the reputation it has. I might write more about this, I might do a watch through INCLUDING End of Evangelion(which actl makes much more sense having watched the series, though having done so makes Shinji’s masturbation scene comPLETELY out of left-field like where the hell did THAT come from); we’ll see.

[ferie-anon]

hi! 💕 i'm the anon that sent you an ask a few months ago(?) where i said i stumbled on your blog. if you have the time, would you please have a look at my placements and maybe give some thoughts/opinions? i love the way you describe things nicely so i was interested to hear that from you. capricorn sun(6th), cancer moon(12th), cancer rising, sagittarius mercury(5th), capricorn venus(6th) and aquarius mars(7th). thank you and have a nice day!💕

I apologize if I don’t remember u 🥺 I tried to see if I answered ur ask but I don’t see the same placements in my posts I answered- Anway I’ll do ur analysis and hope u enjoy it~ Ooh a cap sun with a cancer moon, but the houses ur sun-moon is in makes it interesting. Capricorn sun, u usually maintain a rational perspective and caps notice the smallest details of others and things in general, and in 6th house you I feel like u may be heightened ur sensitivity/knack for details? It may particularly pertain towards health, like u may focus on ur own health and others health frequently so u may try to help others or focus on others needs at times.

Though this placement and with ur moon in 12th house may indicate u are more reserved about ur emotions and private, even if u have a cancer moon, u tend to feel uncomfortable displaying ur sensitive side to others and may do so to close ones or in private by urself. U are compassionate and easily try to pinpoint wut ur feeling and why, u display compassion unknowingly at times and grace of kindness when u decide so. I feel like u may put a lot of pressure on urself at times when u try to distinguish urself/worth for something, try to pat urself on the back if u feel the tendency to scrutinize or become pessimistic, like u did a good job and try to relax urself most of the time. (If u are relaxed and enjoying the laughter in ur life that’s good and u can ignore this part if its not true to u.) With ur cancer rising, this adds to ur side that deeply cares for others, and the one that may nurture or help others sincerely. (Quietly sweet is wut I would describe a cancer rising) I think cancer risings are also responsible in a maternal way (maybe nag others about their health or just look after friends), adding to their nurturing ways.

Since u have a mercury in sagittarius, u must definitely be a fun person in ur close friend group, lightheartness can be found in hints of ur tone, and ur understanding communication can express ur loose and chill side. U might joke about dad jokes or have some interesting humor that ur friends may laugh at. 5th house in mercury indicates u are attracted to someone who would share their thoughts and feelings most of the time, as 5th house governs creativity/art, children, romance and more. Having urs in mercury indicates communication is wut u seek, someone to know u well and talk well. U also have sag in 5th house, so u may be attracted to foreign places or up to learn about new cultures/travel. Here u may incline to develop feelings for someone who may bring adventure in ur life, someone that may have a risk-taking attitude. It’s not to say u are boring, but sometimes we get attracted to ppl that may seem inherently different from us, becuz that’s wut we desire at times, something we lack and seek for.

Your capricorn venus is in 6th house, so you may be inclined to help others as a sign of your affection, whether to close friends or loved ones. Capricorn venus show their love by taking care or being responsible for stuff related to their s/o or friends, sorta like showing that they are independent and dependable. As stated previously, possibly conscious and care about your health and your friends’ and lover’s health. With capricorn in venus 6th house, you must probably strive to work hard or improve yourself, being the better version of yourself if you could. Your mars is in aquarius and in the 7th house, in this case the 7th house may indicate you prefer creative or innovative people, and with 7th house in mars energetic and passionate people. Your aquarius mars is someone who doesn’t easily lose their cool, may see detached when angered like silent treatment, aquarius mars people don’t change their goals and minds easily, allowing them to pursue their original motive and intent. 

Overall, you seem like quite the mom friend, caring about others wellbeing and capability to be there for others emotionally while being quite the trusted individual due to helping others frequently with their issues/problems. Uwu and I hope you have a good day~

[painandpleasure86]

It’s a Hard Life (Entry for Binky’s DTIYS)

A/N: Hello ppl! Again writing... I had a writer block until today :( But here I am. Writing something for the @binkyisonline ‘s DTIYS! I made a fic with her unicorn John. The ending it’s open, so, if this haves success, I could continue a little more the story. You with your support decides! ;) Was an interesting experience write something with an humanoid.

Summary: A young human-unicorn lives in an enchanted woods and it’s about to meet with a young artist that also loves exploring.

Warnings: none. Some swear words, but a few.

Pairing: Platonic Deacury (for now)

Word count: +1500

Permanent taglist: @warriorteam1924 @toomuchlove-willkillyou @deakysgurl

If you want to be in the tag list, just tell me! ;)

(John’s POV)

Everyone looks at me as something strange, something beautiful. They think that because I'm the way I am, I'm somewhat innocent. I'm not. I know the dangers of the world. I know people's thoughts. Everyone wants to ride me.

I'm an abomination. They didn't make me 100% animal or 100% human. Sometimes I take the form of a human with brown hair, long and wavy, six feet tall, very thin, gray eyes... But with one detail: my horn never goes away. Do you see why I say I am an abomination? I think whoever created me wanted to have fun at my expense. Thank you...

It seems not, but my life it's very difficult . I have no place to go, and no one who really loves me. No ulterior motives. I wander the woods, eating what I can, sleeping where I can. I try to do it in my animal way, because being in my human way, people usually get scared. It's not just the horn, but also the fact that I have nothing to cover me. But why do I usually say? Some maids want to possess me. Also some gentlemen. Don't they think I have feelings? I'm not someone who whores or someone who wants to be intimate with the first person who comes across me. Everyone wants me for convenience. Or at least, everyone I've met. Sometimes I fantasize about meeting someone who cares for me, loves me and respects me as I deserve. But it seems like it's something that will only live in my head...

By the way, where are my manners... My name is John. Or at least that's what I've chosen to call myself. I don't know how old I am, but in my human form I look like someone who's barely 21.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

(Freddie’s POV)

I love walking around these parts. I always find something beautiful, something strange, something worth documenting. It's full of wonders.

Today I wander through an enchanted forest, where a being lives that leaves me speechless. He is a young man who is barely over 20 years old, with long brown hair, tall, thin... Whenever he sees me close enough, he runs away from me. He usually looks at me with a frightened face, even when I ask him if I can come closer. "Get away from me. I don't want you to use me for your pleasures," he told me last time. Like every time. I don't know why he thinks I want to possess him, although I cannot deny his immense beauty and that his lack of clothes makes him even more tempting. I just want to know him better. To ask him why, even though he looks so human, he keeps that horn.

By the way, my name is Frederick. I'm 26 years old. I'm the son of a very important nobleman in my kingdom. My father wants me to get married, I'd rather be like this. I prefer to spend weeks exploring the world around me and making sketches in my notebook of the most curious things I can find. I don't want to deal with any of those serious things. I want to enjoy life. Marrying a maid for family arrangements is a bit of a letdown. It would ruin my life and the life of the poor woman they put next to me. They'd ask me for children. I don't want to. It would take time away from my enjoyment. But then, my father doesn't want to understand my decision. He prefers to say that I'm the disgrace of the family. Being the oldest of four brothers has its drawbacks.

When I'm not exploring, I spend my time painting pictures. I take my sketchbook and make one of them on the canvas. I paint over everything I come across, including that mysterious young man with long hair. Lately it's just that young man with long hair...

I think I've seen it. Or at least I've distinguished his horn. I'll go slowly, so I don't scare him. God, I feel like a stal-...

SHIT. IT HURTS.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

(John’s POV)

I was very quiet walking around, since I didn't see anyone around, when suddenly I heard something. It was a noise of something falling on a pile of leaves. My curiosity is stronger than that. I walk up and see a human being collapsed. He tripped over a protruding tree root. I don't usually get this close to a human in my human form, but I think I'll make an exception today.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"Yes, I just tr- Oh it's YOU!"

I got a little out of the way. I won't let him down, but don't let him harass me.

"Yes, it's me. I saw you lying there and I wanted to help you up. I may be an abomination, but I have feelings."

"Why abomination? You're unique. You're a wonder."

That sincerity in his words. That feeling... I couldn't help but I blushed.

"You're nice, but you know I can turn into a unicorn, right? And when I become human, I don't lose my horn. No one will ever take me seriously."

"Hey, why do you say that? Love is for everyone." responded him, smiling.

(Are you hitting on me, stranger?)

"Ha, really? Then why do you only want to have sex with me? Everyone sees me with a fucking object. I love walking around like this, with nothing, but they mistake it for seduction or being available for fantasy. That's why I prefer to be here alone, because I can be free."

I don't even know why I took it out on him so hard. Maybe because the others I've met I can't talk to them like that.

"Well... I'll help you to stand up," I said, trying to get back to what had gone before.

I leaned back so that he would rest his left arm on my shoulders, I took it from his waist. Slowly, we stood up.

Looking at his face, I ask him, "Can you walk?"

"I think. At least help me ride my horse. Too much exploring for today."

I rode with him for a mile. We went along the "road." He didn't want to attract attention.

"By the way, I'm John," I said, as we walked.

"I finally know your name... I'm Frederick."

"You seem like a nice guy. I see you have a notebook with you. Are you drawing me? Hahaha."

Blushing a little, he answers me.

"Not just you, John. But anything I see that catches my eye. I'm a painter."

"So I'm your muse," I add.

"Yes, lately you're my only muse. I can only paint you."

He blushes too much.

I don't know, but I feel very good with this young man.

---------------

After several minutes of silence, we found his horse.

"Shall I help you to ride your horse?"

"No, John, I can handle it. Thank you for what you've done for me today." Already on his horse, he adds, "Until the next time, John. I hope you don't walk away from me like you always do."

"I will not. Promise. Take care of yourself."

Little smile on his face.

"I will. You take care too."

I smiled at him.

His horse came out at a full gallop. And I thought to myself... Have I found what I've always been looking for? No, it's too fast to make sure of that. But the truth is that I met the first human who wants to talk to me. And that's an enough reason to smile.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Freddie’s POV

I went to the nearest inn to get some rest before comeback to home. Eating a little, I can't stop thinking about that young man. John. I don't know why he's so disregarded. He seems to be a very kind, affectionate being; as well as beautiful on the outside. I could enjoy his company forever. It was only a few minutes this time, but it was beautiful. They were like being in paradise. I would love to bring him to my palace, to live with me. But my father would still call me the family disgrace, as well as crazy. And gay. Yes, I am. But my father doesn't understand happiness. He only wants to keep alliances with other lords. Aren't my other brothers and sister enough for you, Father?

Well, at least I have my mother on my side. She knows how I like to live and she understands, even if she doesn't like it. If my father hasn't thrown me out of the house, it's because of her.

Well, stop rambling. I think it's time to go to sleep. I'm tired. I know in my dreams, he will be. That beautiful, divine creature. I don't know what the paths of life will be like, but I hope they'll allow us to continue to cross...

---------------------

If you like this, please reblog! It helps me a lot! :3 <3 And if you want more of this au, please tell me! ;)

Cheers, Lily.

[meiloorun-notthefruit]

classic, nine-oh, boom, and fuzz

This AU was inspired from @lyricstomb ‘s drawing of the Sonics defending movie!sonic and I saw that and my brain went ahead and made an entire AU. Btw this is the drawing.

Anyways this is more of a background post than anything else.

This is AU can be simplified as different versions of Sonic all living together in the real world. Think of them like how toons are actors in Who Framed Roger Rabbit, except for video games.

There are different versions of Sonic that exist in the first place because character redesigns are expensive and Sonic's been 'overhauled' several times in the years he's existed. But in this world, it's super expensive to redesign a character so SEGA -- whose already experienced financial hardship -- just decides to makes "new" Sonics each time a new design is ever needed.

Anyways, having different versions of someone running around the place -- especially someone as fast as Sonic -- is hard to keep track of so SEGA eventually lets them all out of their care, emancipating them all, leaving the four of them to fend for themselves. This decison was made only by the higher ups, not by the actual ppl who worked with them.

The four Sonics (they can’t be all called Sonic) are referred as:

Classic Nine-oh Sonic or Boom (it really depends; he’s stubborn, spiteful, and tired with everyone’s bullshit and refuses to give the name up, even if it trademarked.) Fuzz (movie sonic, named Fuzz at first as a joke from Nine-Oh — “cause you’re a fuzzball and because you’re working with the fuzz!” — and to distinguish him from Boom (“don’t call me that!”) but the nickname caught on.

***

~ Classic is technically the oldest out of all his brothers and if you refer to them as anything but his brothers — chaos help you if you call any of them clones, shams, or anything close to that — he’s the first to react violently; a spin dash to the face will suffice. His appearance is deceiving and most assume he’s the youngest. He’s non-verbal and communicates via sign language and exaggerated facial expressions and body language.

~ Nine-oh is the first Sonic to be 'born' as a redesign; he's "nineties' Sonic", so he's had his ups and downs career wise. He's the only one of his brothers to have been actually been through a 'costume change' himself -- the Sonic Adventures series and the (infamous) Sonic 06' -- and he doesn't really recommend it at all (when his brothers get him to talk about it), the most he says about it is that the ensuing identity crisis is not fun. Nine-oh has the hardest time expressing his emotions and he's also the one whose had the longest career. The latter attributes to him being not as good with his feelings -- the industry is not as kind and it only seemed to get worse as time went by. He hides his true feelings very well, tho it's not as easy to hide around his brothers.

After 06', he became really good friends with Elise (no romantic feelings between them tho) but because the game wasn't popular at all, when it was rebooted and removed from canon, she ceased to exist. Nine-oh is devastated.

She's not entirely gone, but he just doesn't know that.

~ Boom, as said before, hardly responds to Boom -- he's claimed Sonic as his name and refuses to answer to anything else -- only his brothers can call him that and even then not by much.

Sonic is tired most of the time and he really doesn't give much thought to what others say; when he was revealed to the world, he was greeted with several several harsh comments and other things, but whereas Nine-oh hides his reactions, Sonic either 1) processes them and then lets its be -- those ppl aren't worth his reactions and also that's effort -- or 2) his temper gets the best of him if it's a particularly rude/inappropriate comment. especially if it's against his family.

~ Fuzz is a nickname given to movie!sonic after he's been broken out of the Paramount movie vault. He looks nothing like what the media and PR has been advertising -- this boi has the looks of his brothers, just tad more hair/quills and lots of sass.

ANYWAYS, Nine-Oh is the one who gave Fuzz his name. He also suggested Pointy -- cause he's got more individual tiny quills than all of them -- but one exasperated look from Classic shuts him up because poor Fuzz is still reeling from all his surroundings, because he's been locked in the vault for who knows how long -- Fuzz doesn't know but it's been awhile.

Apparently Paramount was waiting for the right moment to 'reveal' Fuzz, but the moment seemed to never come and lo and behold, ya boy's claustrophobic now.

~ Fuzz is the youngest, very jumpy, and boundless energy, even for a hedgehog who runs at the speed of sound. He's a bit of a hoarder when it comes to collecting things, like shoes and other things that grasp his attention.

He likes just about everything that has to do with being outdoors.

He eats the most out of all the hedgehogs, which none of them thought possible because Classic can out eat anyone in a food contest.

His description best fits that of a 'gremlin' and 'troublemaker'. Despite his past circumstances, Fuzz is generally the one to trust people/humans first.

***

they all get along very well with each other -- yeah sure they're all sonics but they don't see it at they way; they're each their own person and are insanely protective of the others. Found family, they all found each other -- Classic, Nine-Oh, and Sonic -- after SEGA put them out and then they lived their lives the best they can with what they got and when they heard there's another sonic -- another brother -- out there alone (and being exploited) so of course they're going to go get him out.

Classic willingly gave up the name Sonic to Nine-Oh when Nine-Oh first came into existence -- as a sort of passing along the torch sort of ritual. When Boom came along, Nine-Oh more or less yeets the name Sonic at him -- 9-O doesn't want it anymore and Boom/Sonic gladly accepts it and stubbornly sticks by it. Fuzz, similar to 9-O, sees negative connotations associated with their 'true name', so he sticks to his nickname.

[namjoonsheaux]

🌱

I have a hard time distinguishing between anxiety and adrenaline or maybe it's that I experience both simultaneously so I can't rlly tell them apart ? I've been up the whole night and my mind has been running nonstop, I have work at 1pm so I don't even know if it's worth getting 3 hours of sleep at this point but at least work is not challenging and can be somewhat therapeutic .

I decided I'm gonna start using my instagram and curating my feed which is interesting since I haven't posted in like two years. I always use the story feature but for some reason (probably self esteem issues too deep that I don't wanna dig to rationalize) I never rlly post. I find myself lost in the present and longing for the past- I take for granted the moments in front of me a lot and I hate that the most constant emotion I feel towards my life tends to be regret and resentment... towards my own self and my situations... it feels lonely, but I don't think I've ever felt anything but. Am I present in the lives of the people that I love? Do they regard me the same way I do them? Do I show that enough? Why do I feel like I'm not enough? It's not an isolated issue ...so it's a me thing? Something I'm trying to fix is the fear of being me... letting walls down is hard, I worry that exposing too much might make people realize I'm not who they think I am. I'm scared i love too hard, I do it quietly bc I'm scared of being hurt. I don't know what changed what made me like this but I remember genuinely having an open heart- was it maybe just what being in oh cent was like?

Something I'm really longing for right now is to have a 30 minute phone call with someone, I have no one in particular in mind but idk how to do it.... I think I'm just romanticizing the act of wanting to connect with someone without the physical aspect, without text... it doesn't have to be about anything serious, just a "I wanted to talk to you" . I'm afraid of myself. Of not allowing ppl to want this with me because I think I make myself unapproachable. I have so many flaws but don't know how to work on them in a healthy way.

I've been in a deep depressive episode for a few weeks now... I'm slowly coming out of it by keeping myself busy, keeping afloat. Being under is so cloudy, it's empty, it's numb. I can't tell if I slipped because I "indulged" in the moment or because my brain literally malfunctions and isn't a normal stable brain.... I just wish i don't go through the rest of my life like this. I'm so tired. It's tiring to be me.

[cornflowercanine]

clove, do you have any tips on dealing w/ ocd? im desperately trying to keep my compulsive behavior in check so i dont end up feeding into my obsession but i feel like a lot of my anxiety is like.. internal. if that makes any sense

so um ! i dont have any personally helpful tips, sorry, there Should 8e active ocd-focused 8logs who can help out 8etter, im sorry!! :< 8ut i end up not giving in to compulsions in the same way i havent 833n self harming in like, a year or two, and that is !  just str8 up fucking forgetting! ocd hell 8rain is like “if you dont put your collar on your cat she’ll run away and die” and im like god ok -turns chair- -stands up- -puts on slippers- -stretches- -has already forgotten i was gonna put my collar on my cat- and 8y the time i remem8er im like oh ! my collar is not on my cat ! 8ut she is still alive ! s33 ocd hell 8rain we’re fine !!!!! (which is like, super super super diy erp (exposure response therapy) which is how ocd is normally treated, idk if it works if ur doing it 8y urself like this, 8ut its worth a shot i guess?) which is not helpful . 8ut i do not have any helpful help past ask someone else and o8vious thing of if you can s33 a therapist, thatd 8e really helpful!! i am genuinely sorry and hope youre a8le to work it out, its really hard to live with :(

and smth you might wanna know is theres a sorta su8type of ocd (not like, officially, its just a distinguishing term ppl use sometimes) that i kindasortapro8a8ly fit in called pure-o which is p much what it sounds like! its when most/all of ur compulsions are not outward or visi8le, so theres a whole lot of ‘repeat “safe” words in head’, ‘think a8t the walk i went on over and over and over again to MAKE SURE i wasnt responsi8le for that car hitting a 8ump’, ‘pray every single time i s33/hear/think something sinful’, etc etc etc, and its hard to deal with 8c a lot of times 8oth the o8sessions and the compulsions are in ! your thoughts ! and whereas it can 8e easier for me to Not Tap The Doorkno8 3 Times, its harder to force myself to Just Not Think Something, and looking up stuff a8t pure-o specifically can help u understand and deal with it 8etter, at least id hope u_u and at that point you kinda just have to try to stop it 8efore it starts, like if i notice im starting to think (as random example of mental compulsions) ‘oh god 8ut how can i 8e SURE im a les8ian i have to look up what other les8ians do and signs you arent a les8ian and-’ i have to like. physically. force myself to do something else thats distracting so i stop thinking a8out it and dont have the ... pathway? to have compulsions over it. like watching a video listening to my fave song playing a video making some food literally Anything that you have to put Any thought into that can distract you and get you off that train of thought.

i really do honestly hope things get easier for you, take care of yourself, ill k33p you in my thoughts, and good luck!!! :( ♥♥

[realtalk-princeton]

@clipper- I wanted to thank you because your responses have really helped with my mental health. I was wondering, do you have any tips for coping with feelings of guilt and shame when you you can’t control panic/ low mood/ anxiety? Everyone around me has been making me feel like there’s something intrinsically, morally wrong with me and that I’m purposely choosing to be annoying or a burden by not snapping out of a mental health crisis.

Response from River:

not Clipper, but as someone with anxiety myself I think there are a couple of things you need to focus on when you’re dealing w/ people who aren’t being super accommodating:

(1) it’s important to try to distinguish between support/compassion/understanding and genuine emotional labor. if you’re constantly bringing your depression to social situations, I can understand how that could become difficult for your friends to deal with. there’s a difference between that, though, and having friends who refuse to be sympathetic and supportive when you say, “sorry, can we reschedule dinner? I’m having a panic attack” or “can you just talk me through this situation that’s making me crazy with worry? I can’t think straight.” friends should try to be there for you (as far as they are able), and friends should understand when your mental health impedes your ability to fulfill obligations you might have had with them. but there are some conversations that are better had with a therapist than with a friend, and it’s important to make sure you really aren’t crossing the “burdensome” line in terms of the support you’re asking for from your friends. idk your specific situation but I’ve really had to learn this myself, and it can be difficult to tell the difference, so I wanted to put that out there- it’s something to think about

(2) sometimes, it’s hard for ppl to relate to experiences they’ve never had, and when you’re high-functioning (as we all are if we made it here) I think there’s a tendency for ppl who don’t have anxiety or depression to underestimate the severity of your mental health concerns when they look at you. they might think you’re exaggerating or that things aren’t “as bad” as they really might be, because you “seem” mostly fine. I have a tendency to do this to myself, kind of invalidating my own feelings by saying if I were “really” mentally ill I wouldn’t have the strength to get out of bed, go to class, do my homework, get meals, go out... and since I’m living my life and meeting most of my obligations and getting okay grades, I must just be giving into/dwelling on weaknesses that everyone experiences from time to time. this is toxic and unproductive thinking, in yourself and in the people around you, but I think sometimes people just don’t really understand how deep it goes when they’re looking at you from the outside. it could be worth having a conversation with your friends, if you feel comfortable, about what you’re going through and what might lead you to, for example, bail on an obligation when you’re in crisis. I’ve definitely seen people become more receptive and understanding after such conversations, though of course, not everyone will. which brings me to

(3) some people just suck and if people are actively making you feel worse in times of crisis, they’re not worth having around. cut them out or ghost them, and find some new friends. having a support network is really, really important, for everyone but especially people who are fragile and especially when you’re at a place like princeton

good luck! I really hope you can surround yourself with people who are loving and supportive, and who don’t make you feel like your problems are a burden on them when they are already such a burden on you

Response from Clipper:

Anytime, anon. Let me know if there’s anything you wanna ask me specifically.

[enchantechante]

22012017 0509

its 330a and i woke up crying.

im still drunk, so i feel like i can be honest now.

i have been trying to ask myself what hurts. everything. everything hurts. and i dont know if im having a depressive episode in the middle of the night or if im just mourning bc my family is back home watching my gma die.

idk if i just have so much unforgiveness in my heart that it just wakes me up out my sleep.

all the demons i need to feed.

i cant remember the last time i spent time with someone who wasnt in their phone. and its becoming hard to distinguish if its a nervous habit or if people rly just rather be in their phone than be fully present w me.

speaking of things that make me feel non essential, i think certain people need people around like a fidget toy. to deflect their nervous energy or something.

esp me.

spending time w me is rly nice for some people bc i can easily have a full conversation abt someone else and be engaged. bc i love ppl. very specifically and devoutly. and ppl can feel that. and i think for people who neglect themselves, my genuine attention quenches something deeper for them.

like an itch they cant seem to scratch on their own.

and for a while ive felt like im a good stepping stone for certain people until they get ahold of themselves, heal and are able to give that genuine attn to someone else.

which is natural i guess. to finally acknowledge i was never all too memorable (to them).

but thats when you can feel good abt something like never speaking to your best friend again.

when you remember how disposable they made you feel.

you’re finally free to find someone who can treat you how you treat them.

even if that person is just you.

and they finally get it and agree to let the friendship die and its like watching everything, all of it, the pain and the pleasure, float off into outter space.

and the terror of when are they gonna hurt you again isnt lingering over your head. you can breathe a little deeper knowing theres one less person whos going to try and tear you down mentally again.

even tho it “wasnt always like that”.

tell me, how many times does someone need to tell you they used to try and make you feel stupid on purpose for you to day dream abt how to get free from that? (not them, as a person but THAT. whatever that thing is that lets “loved ones” go to sleep hurting so our egos can thrive)

if its possible to “bring the abuser out” in a person, i guess i do.

or for him i did.

call me old fashioned but i cant refriend ppl i know need professional psychological assistance and have not yet received it.

but thats nothing new.

i feel free now tho. & that is new.

sad but mostly free.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

since christmas ive started struggling w suicidal ideology again and i see why my therapist made a huge deal abt self care.

bc once you learn to take care of yourself, there is always undoubtedly one person who can back you when you need it. who can love you as you need it.

who you will never be too clingy to. or easily ignored w someones dash/feed/phone/txt.

me loving myself came out of necessity.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

i smoke. i drink.

but watching my family suffer, watching them die as she dies, hurts so deep ive stopped enjoying it.

there is nothing chemical or otherwise that can take this away.

i still do it.

but in the way ppl who hate their jobs drink coffee. bc its the only not-so-shitty part. it could be freshly ground & columbian imported.

its just another thing to make the empty feeling inside feel a little less empty.

except my shitty job is living rn.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

i dont give people the opportunity to call me “clingy” twice. after the first time i enjoyed your presence and you felt mine was excessive im gon get the fuck on. its becoming hard to distinguish if he just wants to be around bc he’s used to me being around but when we’re actually out, if im beside him clingy.

it makes functions my boyfriends gonna be at w me feel like im going out by myself.

bc who gives someone the opportunity to call them clingy twice...

not in a relationship.

(or anywhere rly).

the race to be at a friends house as soon as i get home. or in another room. the constant desire to be entertained, we cant just sit and actually, you know, just be w each other.

things i enjoy bc i actually like my bf as a person.

theres are ways to be here and gone.

for me to tell you “i miss you” and youre sitting right across from me, in a room where no one else is talking. and im not soft spoken its just one of those here-and-gone things.

i asked him if he heard me tonight and he said he didnt.

i said it wasnt important.

cause it doesnt feel like it is anymore. - - - - - - - - - - - - -

my friend and i are talking again.

and thats the only plus i could give today. the only thing that didnt have a fucked up underside.

i think its hard when youve accidentally hurt someone you care abt and you want to rebuild the friendship you gotta consider why ita such an uphill battle.

but its worth it bc of who he is.

he had so much to mourn. and be angry abt. so much to try and make sense of. and bc he matters to me, i did my very best to understand at any given moment since i hurt him i could be encountering him at any stage of grief.

some of how he feels isnt so much personal to me as it is also apart of unpacking what every thing thats transpired meant to him.

and bc i love him, im patient.

and i will apologize for the rest of my life if i need to. hes too important to not understand how important he is to me.

it means a lot we got to talk today.

- - - - - - - - - - -

also got great advice from bestables. whos subtle love keeps me from feeling like im falling apart from too long. bestables could txt once a week.

bc she gave me love that grew. and we both tend it often and regularly.

bc what she built by design is self-sustaining (sured up w love, trust, understanding, consistency, pure intentions, grace and forgiveness - all that good best friend stuff) she can leave and come back.

she knows how to say or do just a few things here and there, bc she knows me, that keep my heart full.

she is my living example of how to use love to keep a person strong rather than leave them weak (which i think is an over romanticized state to be in bc of “love”).

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

i deleted a young woman i used to talk to.

and she reached out this evening and we had a v nice talk. she & i have only had a few nice talks, and flirted a bit. but she got some rly dark news.

and she stopped talking to me. which im fine w but it was hard seeing her pop up on fb talking and flirting w all of her other friends.

so i just tried to make a graceful exit and im surprised she noticed.

im kind of at the point in my life tho where if someones gonna be my friend i need them to come on w it.

mentally i dont think i have the energy for one-sided friendships rn.

also: this isolating myself shit? its clutch af.

why? bc ppl rly suck rn. & im so v fragile.

ppl still be like, “how are you?” and if im bein honest i just say “not good.” i feel sick but like its in my heart/mind.

[8lah8lah]

i think like.. if i knew about arospec-ness in the first place it wouldve saved me years of confusion and blaming myself and relationship issues and so forth.  you can argue that it doesn’t really Need distinguishing cause i still experience some romance, but i spent nearly half my life wondering when i’d grow into romantic feelings, thinking i just didnt know enough other lesbians or ppl my age, thinking i just wasnt Trying Hard Enough, thinking i was just cold and apathetic and unloving, thinking i was just a few crushes short of being a Person. you can argue that i’m holding myself back and limiting myself by being arospec, but i haven’t felt this whole in my identity in a long ass time, like i make Sense now, like i’m not just losing it, i feel like Me, now i know there’s a REASON it’s so hard for me to like anyone and it even helps me when i DO date people so i know what i want instead of just thinking i’m lazy or mean. did it hurt me to not know im arospec for so long? not THAT much, technically, cause it’s not like i was being romantic anyway, but i really, really, deeply wish i knew. i wish i had the CHANCE to know sooner. i wish i was told hey, you can be arospec! heres some identities that might fit you! and if they do nothings wrong with you!! and i wish that when i knew they Existed that i wasnt being told that iding as aspec would be Giving In. i wish i wasnt being told that i would be taking away from myself and my life and my future if i was arospec. i wish i wasnt told my identity was a joke or something i’d get over or bad coping or just that it was Bad. that it was a last choice. and i dont want this to happen to anyone else. tell arospec ppl discovering themselves that their feelings are normal, are okay, that they arent bad or doing something wrong or incomplete for it. tell arospec ppl that they arent alone. give arospec people resources past the vaguest ‘uhhh yea theres this one identity like asexual but not’. just.... let arospec ppl exist and KNOW we exist and that we’re arospec, and that’s good, and we’re good. we deserve to know who we are and what we’re feeling, to have resources, to have other arospec friends, to be loud and open and unapologetic about our arospecness, and not just an afterthought or something not worth mentioning or quiet. we’re arospec. and that’s good. help us know that.