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usmsgutterson · 2 years ago

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Forevermore- n.l x gn! Tidemaker! reader

Okay! This is part two, and in order for this to make sense, you’ll have to read part one!

Fic type- hurt/comfort with a lot of nostalgia-type feels in it lol

Warnings- mentions of death

The day came during the summer, when you found yourself on a boat from Novyi Zem to Ravka on a six week long vacation. Just because you’d never quite thought you’d return did not mean that you were going to keep yourself from going, not when a part of you had begun longing for home, for butter week and laughter and dancing in the town square.

Some part of you knew that you’d find your way to Os Alta, but it seemed that Tamar knew it better than you had, because when you were leaving the boat, you spotted her face, lips spread out in a grin as her gaze met yours.

“Oh, too long,” she said as you stepped off the dock and set your bags down. She hugged you tightly, and you hugged her back. “Oh, much too long.”

“Too long indeed,” you agreed, grinning slightly as you pulled away from one another. “Missed you, Tamar. Hows the wife?”

“The wife is good,” Tamar laughed. “Though she, too, has missed you terribly. Did you have anything planned?”

“I had a room booked at the hotel twenty minutes out,” you said. “No coach, though. Nothing of the sort, actually.”

“Well, I’ll have the room cancelled and refunded,” she said. “You need to stay at the Little Palace. Reminisce a little bit. I’ll be honest, I fear that Genya will kill you if she finds out you’re in Ravka and you haven’t visited. How long are you due to to stay?”

“Six weeks,” you said.

“Good,” Tamar nodded. “I took the royal coach. We’ll be behind Palace walls in three hours, tops.”��

You took up your luggage again, followed her unwittingly, some part of you being reminded of your friendship while you were at sea, her noticing the looks you threw at your beloved and teasing you for it, you laughing as she beat you at cards and won your rum ration for the taking.

You rode to the Little Palace and talked throughout the entire time. Tamar gave you updates on Nikolai--including what the Darkling had done to him and the beast that came of it--and the rest of the people you’d known and loved. Genya and David. Zoya. Alina, it turned out, had faked her martyrdom, and was living with her beloved in Keramzin. It was all stuff she trusted you with, and you’d known Tamar long enough to know that you could’ve trusted each other with anything.

You told her of your life in Novyi Zem, your flat and the stray cat that’d appeared on your windowsil and wormed his way into your home and your heart. You told her about the boutique, about the people you worked with and the ones you’d befriended. You told her about the kind souls who worked the market stalls, the laughter that carried through the city no matter which street you walked down. You told her about the baked goods that you always bought from the bakery across the street from the building you lived in, about the fact that the cat you’d taken in liked to use the inside of your winter kefta as a pillow.

And then, almost suddenly, you were at the Little Palace, stepping out of the coach and barely having time to look to your right and register Genyas face before she was approaching, and suddenly, you were hugging her and laughing and you couldn’t believe you’d stayed out of Ravka for so long, all of the feelings you’d neglected finally taking their chance to resurface. You’d missed everyone terribly.

Zoya gave you a grin as the servants took to your luggage, offered you an elbow as you walked back through the Little Palace doors and Tamar returned to her duties as a member of Nikolais guard.

“Tamar knew about it, you know,” she said. “Cancelled the hotel the same day you’d booked it. Knew about the boat, too. A few of our spies in Novyi Zem reported to her in the same week you’d bought the ticket.”

“I didn’t take much convincing,” you laughed. “I would’ve found my way back here even if she hadn’t intervened. Missed it too much.”

“Missed the golden haired, brown eyed king too much, you mean?” Genya asked with a teasing laugh. You snorted ungracefully, internally denied it right off the bat, but you knew yourself too well.

Some part of you had hoped he’d go to you before you went to him. Some part of you hoped you would return to your flat and find those disgustingly glorious hazel eyes staring at you as the man you’d once thought you’d marry sat, drinking kvas at your dining room table.

Some part of you had hoped he’d say that he’d never stopped loving you and another part of you hoped he’d ask you to return to Ravka.

Some foolish part of you hoped he’d ask you that so that you could have the chance to refuse him.

The part of you that was not a fool knew you’d say yes, if he ever showed up at your flat and asked you to go back to Ravka. You’d never stopped loving him, only wished that you had.

“Perhaps,” you agreed apprehensively. Had he missed you too? Was the love that had once been requited but had gone two years unrequited still there for the man you’d loved?

Zoya scoffed. “Perhaps, Y/N?”

“Most definitely,” you allowed yourself a sad grin. “I missed him, yes. But I’ve missed you guys, too. I’ve missed David, I’ve missed Tamar and Tolya and I’ve missed Ravka as a whole. Two years is too long to go without visiting. Never again.”

Zoya sighed. “You’re hopeless,” she said.

Genya laughed, but agreed, and the three of you were at the room that’d once upon a time been yours.

“Go on,” Zoya said, “The refund for the money spent on the hotel stay awaits.”

You scoffed, but turned the doorknob, opened it, and stepped inside.

You scoffed again as you found the money in bills laying atop a silk pillowcase colored a pale blue. You counted it out, and there it was, the money you’d spent and twenty dollars on top of it.

When you glanced up to the window, eyes searching for a desk somewhere because you had promised your friends in Novyi Zem that you’d write, your heart began to race.

There he was. The Ravkan king, the man you once called your beloved. He was standing in front of the window, looking out to the scenery that was displayed outside it.

“The additional twenty coin is what I’ve taken to calling an inconvenience fee,” Nikolai said. “I’m sorry for the inconvenience. That’s what it’s for.”

“What inconvenience, Nik?” You asked, using the nickname you used for him in past, in times of love and times before your relationship had crumbled and you’d run away from the rubble.

You heard Nikolais scoff, and when he turned around, you caught a smirk playing on his lips. He looked like he had when you’d last seen him, when you’d fallen asleep in the same bed as him and been gone from the city by the next morning, though it was impossible not to notice the inky black stains on his fingertips. Left over from his spat with the Darkling, perhaps, or something that the volcra-like beast left in its wake.

“This one,” he said. “My being in your room. My having gotten Tamar to do as she did. My asking that she cancel your hotel, that she have her spies alert her the moment that you were seen purchasing a boat ticket near Novyi Zems docks. I’ve missed you.”

You laughed. “Tamar respects my choices too much,” you said. “Zoya told me it was her doing, but I’d known it couldn’t’ve been. She never wanted me to go but she respected it when I did. You, however? Every decision of yours is calculated. You let me go because you knew you could get me back, you handsome fool.”

“You have always been the right person for me,” Nikolai said. “But in the middle of a war, in the middle of watching a living saint in her quest to destroy the Fold, it was not the right time. In no universe would it ever have been. You were the right person for me then, and I imagine you’re the right person for me now. I think you think the same thing.”

You could’ve cursed him out, kicked his shin, punched him the face for the boldness of his words. You wanted to, and judging by the way that Nikolai grinned but rested a hand on the sword sheathed to the right of his waist, he knew it.

But he was right. Two years, you’d missed him. Two years, you’d hoped he’d come strolling through your flat and sweep you off your feet like he did the first time. Two years, you thought of him every single day and two years, every single day you debated leaving Novyi Zem behind and purchasing a boat ticket back to Ravka.

“So what then, Nikolai?” You asked. “What of it? Am I supposed to drop everything of the life I have built in Novyi Zem, leave behind my friends, my job, the cat who wormed his way into my heart when he sat on my windowsil like he bloody well owned it? I want this. I want us. I’ve missed you more than you will ever be capable of comprehending, but I cannot stand the idea of just leaving it all behind.”

“You did much the same when you left Ravka the first time,” Nikolai pointed out. “You seemed to have no problem with it then!”

“I wept from the moment I got on that boat to the moment I docked in Novyi Zem,” you cut. “I could not stop crying for my first week. I didn’t want to go, Nikolai. I just knew that I had to. I built a life from the one I left behind. I cannot bear the thought of leaving it in the dust. I did that once, thinking I’d be able to survive it. Never again.”

With the words, you left the money from the hotel refund on your bed, left your room and walked down the hall. You didn’t know where you were heading, but you were sure you’d figure it out eventually.

in the hours later, Nikolai found you at the lake. You were sitting on the dock, pants rolled a good few inches, one foot lazing about in the water whilst your other leg was bent, one arm resting against your knee. You occasionally flit your wrist, watched as the waves picked up and rolled at your will.

“I shouldn’t’ve asked you to leave it all behind,” he said. “I wasn’t trying to. I was just trying--fuck. I don’t know.”

“If you asked me to now, I would,” you said.

The hours spent by the lake had been hours of drowning in your own thoughts. You could holiday to Novyi Zem in the summer. You loved it there after you grew into it, but you hated it at the same time.

Never being able to use your abilities as a Tidemaker, never wearing the amplifier you’d claimed for your own, they got tiring. Refilling the kettle, filling the basin when you needed to wash dishes, summoning when it was time to water some near-dead plants in your garden, it grew monotonous. You missed summoning waves as tall as the boats Nikolai loved to captain. You missed summoning water to the samovars, drinking the tea that brewed in them as you talked to Tolya and laughed at Zoyas quips.

“You would?” Nikolai asked. “So then our spat was for nothing?”

You laughed. “Not for nothing,” you said. “If we’d not argued, I never would’ve thought about staying past the six weeks I’m due to spend here. I would’ve enjoyed my time, cried the entire way back to Novyi Zem when I left. I missed you lot every single day. It would’ve gotten worse, and I wouldn’t’ve lasted two months.”

Nikolai laughed as he took off his shoes, rolled his pants up and dipped his feet into the water. He wrapped an arm around your shoulders, let his chin rest against one of them.

“I used to call you my intended back in the day,” he said. “When we were nineteen, I knew that I would marry you. Tolya teased me for it relentlessly.”

“Your intended, Lantsov?” You laughed. “Because you intended to marry me? I resent how sweet that is. If I’m remembering correctly, I used to call you my most beloved.”

Nikolai smirked. “Oh, and I’m the sweet one?”

“The most charming, by far.”

Nikolai shrugged, nodding his agreement as he did.

Silence passed. It felt familiar, and you realized that it was the same comfortable silence that used to settle over the two of you in the years prior.

The one that settled as you stood side by side near the prow of whichever boat he’d taken to captaining that time around, the silence that would settle as he wrapped his arms around you and pressed a kiss to your cheek, whispering “I love you” with the same sureness that you saw in his smile. It was the same silence that reminded you that life would not always feel as it did, that there would be a life after the war with the Darkling. You would be reminded that the two of you could make it past that.

As the silence passed, you realized that you were wrong about it. Your relationship had not survived the war, but that wasn’t to say it could not begin again in the rubble that the war had left behind.

“May I kiss you?” Nikolai asked as the sunset draped itself across the Ravkan sky. You noticed that it’d become a swirl of shooting reds, pinks, oranges and purples, teal-ish hues and orange spots behind the clouds.

You let yourself grin. “Please.”

And then you were adjusting, and Nikolai was moving forward, and his lips were against yours. You were wrapping your arms around his shoulders when you tilted back, laughter on both ends breaking the kiss before it really had the chance to start.

Nikolai kissed you as you lay on your sides, his lips feeling like something familiar, something that said “welcome home,” in the sweetest intones and with the brightest, warmest smile. It was like being greeted by a lover long lost, which you supposed he was, really.

The two of you pulled away, grinning and breathless as your gazes turned to the sky.

“I love you. I love you and I have missed you terribly,” he took your hand, interlaced his fingers with yours and kissed the back of it. “Would you, Y/N L/N, my once upon a time intended, do me the honors of staying in Ravka for the duration of the summer and the fall? Would you let me prove myself worthy of taking your hand in marriage?”

You laughed. “When you say it like that, it becomes so utterly undeniable. Of course.”

Nikolai grinned, asked if you’d like another kiss. When you said yes, he pressed his lips to yours and you kissed him back and you were overjoyed to be able to do it again. He pulled away and the two of you stayed there, laying on the dock, more content than not.

The winter came, and you’d moved into the Grand Palace full time. You once again began to laugh with Genya and Zoya, took interest in David and Nadia’s work in the Materialki workrooms.

When Os Alta went too far into a drought, you and Zoya worked together and summoned storms that lasted days.

You and Tamar sparred daily, laughing and talking as you threw your punches. You sparred with Tolya, let him recite his sonnets and read some of your favorite poetry books in the library.

When the day of your wedding came in early December, it was certainly one of the best days of your life. There was kvas, iced wine, more champagne than you’d ever seen in your lifetime. There was dancing, laughter, an airy kind of contentment having draped itself over the venue.

Nikolai found himself grinning that night, as you ran your hands along the black-stained fingertips that the beast created by the Darkling left in its wake. His hair looked golden in the lamplight, eyes looking ethereal to match it. He wore his usual self assured, kind smile, a twinge of love draped across his grin.

“You’re no longer my intended,” he said. “You’re my spouse. The person whom I shall rule Ravka alongside.”

You found yourself grinning. “I can’t wait.”

And then Nikolai was kissing you and you were laughing as you fell back into the bed, contentment and genuine joy flooding and overtaking your every sense.

Nikolai was the one. Two years ago, you could have argued that he was not, that he may have been the right person but you’d never quite find the right time. There was a right time for your romance, and the middle of a war was not it.

However, you’d done as you hoped. You’d built something from the rubble, and the thing that you’d built would stay strong forevermore.

#nikolai lantsov x reader #nikolai lantsov #shadow and bone #shadow and bone netflix

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skjeinon · 2 years ago

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thinking about you - anders lee

summary: when you go to highschool and then college together, being reminded you were never his first choice was something you faced a lot - something about him always brought you running back to him though. when it snows, you pour and he tries to fix that with his generosity as the boy who’s always treated you better than the rest…

warnings: not a very slow burn - but very much pent up unknown reciprocated feelings. anders lees big legs <3. slight breeding kink (wrap it before you tap it blah blah blah), best friends to lovers, lack of plot at the end (i can make a part two maybe), rather vanilla i suppose but very cute nonetheless. nickname andy is used once?? sorry NO PROOFREAD!!

laying down in bed, watching as the snow fell outside of your window, with your blankets to your shoulder, you felt the quick buzz of your phone against your backside. you never felt well when snow fell in minnesota, but your whole life it’s been something you’ve learned to deal with. you almost ignored the buzz until it began to repeat.. then came your ringtone. some old song you liked in middle school filled your ears before you rolled over to pick it up. before even looking at the name, you put the phone to your ear.

“hello?” your voice was tired as you spoke softly into the mic.

“hey y/n” as anders voice filled your ears , you blushed, embarrassed you hadn’t made an effort to talk differently.

“oh my goodness! hey andy.. what’s up?”

“mh.. nothing. i saw it was snowing in minnesota, i wanted to check up on you. i know it was pretty warm a few days ago and i know how you get.” he said, you could hear him laying back into his seat.. whether it be his couch or a chair somewhere.. you wondered where he was.

“yeah it’s .. it’s bad. i won’t even lie. i thought the snow was out of here considering it’s gotten warmer and it’s april. i need it to be normal again.” you complained, pushing your face into your pillow to let out a soft whine.

“mh.. are you working? outside of the snow i suppose.” his question felt random but you complied.

“no.. i had left over time from last year that i had to plan out at some point. i guess it was my luck to pick the week 4 months ago that it would be snowing.” you said, sitting up in your bed to talk better, pulling your knees to you chest. “why do you ask?”

“do you want to come to the island? it’s nicer here.. i can buy you a plane ticket and you can stay at my place.” his voice felt sensual when asking you the question. you tried not to let your cheeks burn.. or give any leeway to him on how you felt.

“oh.. that actually sounds really nice. are you sure?” success. you didn’t sound super shocked - at least you hoped you didn’t.

“yeah i’m sure. cmon y/n, you know you’re my girl..” he said, you could feel his cocky little smile on the other side of that phone call. the way he would smile when he’d tease you, or take good of your plate, or when he’d smile at you when he’d buy you tickets for a minnesota vs isles game.. the way he’d look at you when you’d wear his jerseys. highschool… norte dame… islanders.. it never changed.

“mmh.. okay.. when do you wanna get me a ticket ..” you said , your hand making its way to play with your own hair.

“i can get you one right now.” he said as he stood up, going to grab his laptop. “you prefer american airlines right?”

you smiled. “yeah i do.”

“when’s the earliest you can come..” he said as he sat back down, opening the device in his lap.

“tomorrow. i’ll be off work for this and next week. if you wanna have me for that long.”

“yeah why not, i haven’t seen you in a few months”

in the next 24 hours you had prayed that when you were at the airport by the will of god… your flight wouldnt be delayed or cancelled. thank god overnight, the snow had stopped and when you woke up, the roads were more clear then you’d expected.

the night before, you stayed on the phone with anders for hours while he bought your ticket and while you packed. you complained about dirty clothes and he responded “you can just wash your clothes here..” which embarrassed you as you put dirty clothes you knew you’d only bring because you would wear it for him.

you packed for every season, almost like trauma from the cold weather in the last 2 days even though anders reassured you it was getting warmer on the island, and as you went through TSA and was finally sat at your terminal, your foot tapped impatiently, maybe a little overwhelmingly excited for seeing anders. yeah you knew you’d see other people you knew and loved.. but you always were excited to see him.

you wouldn’t even lie, you’ve been in love with anders since you guys first became friends in highschool. the feelings came and went, but he’d always do something that made you come crawling back.even at points you were convinced he also liked you, but it just never resulted in anything like what you had ever dreamed of.

in highschool you weren’t necessarily the popular cheerleader but you weren’t an outcast by any means. you were a proud leader of the student section and that’s how you and anders had become friends. you always helped plan student pride at football games and even sometimes during spirit week. you had a football jersey for the highschool and you even sewed anders’ number onto it at one point after the two of you had met through football. - when you met, it was when you were standing on the edge of the field, he asked if you could try to catch a ball or two with him for some yearbook photos that yearbook had asked him to take, the both of you thinking it was stupid, you gave in. after this, you had both realized you were in lots of classes together, and started sitting together in those classes.. then at lunch.. then hanging out outside of school, talking on the sidelines at football games. the two of you were inseparable. his parents adored you, and always begged him to date you.. your parents did the same.

so even after all this time, you had never even been on a date with him, and now you’re sitting in the airport getting ready to board the plane to go see him after he payed for your ticket, while also offering you to stay in his own home for two weeks. you were whipped.

The plane ride wasn’t awful, a bit of turbulence though the clouds but once you neared new york and JFK, things cleared a lot. the sun was out and you smiled at the simple idea of a warm day. as the plane landed, you pulled your jacket back over your body and grabbed your bag as you got off the plane. JFK was big and honestly if it hadn’t been for Anders guiding you in the past, you’d be lost.

Getting down to the luggage pickup, you stood around, observing very hard but honestly ignoring the fact that Anders had to be around. if not here then he’d be here soon. but it didn’t cross your mind until you were picked up off your feet by a goon.

“COME HERE!” he exclaimed as he picked you up, his arms tight around your body as he lifted you up. you almost shouted before remembering it would only be him.

��Anders! put me down!!” you kicked, shaking in his arms until he sat you back down on the ground. you turned quickly to see him, a smile forming on your face at his goofy expression. you wrapped your arms around him, he did the same, pulling you close to him. Quickly inhaling, you catch the cologne laced into his clothes. he’s been wearing the same thing for years and it never gets old.

“i’m glad to see you made it here in one piece.. how was the flight?” he said as he glanced down at you watching as you pulled away to look for your luggage once again.

“it was good.. a bit of turbulence coming from minnesota but not too bad..” you stood ahead of him so when responding to him, you turned your body to see him. when speaking to him you’d observe his features.. looking at his freckles as some new one’s appeared on his cheeks every year, his dark blue eyes, his new haircut that maybe was his best one. you loved everything about him..

your thoughts were quickly interrupted when he said “is that your bag?” and pointing, you turned back around. “yes it is!” you said as you quickly went to grab it. as you pulled it off, he picked up your carry on and walked over to you, offering to take your suitcase also. you let him do so but in turn, you took your carry on from him and walked with him out to his car, which he pushed the bags into and then went to your side of the car, opening the door before finally going to his.

getting in the car, you noticed he did what he always did when driving and that was resting his right hand on the gear shift, even though he didn’t need to use it, and driving with his left. crossing your legs in the passenger seat, you leaned closer to his side of the car with your arm on the center console.. this didn’t go unnoticed by him as a small smile formed on his face.

“how’s work going?” he asked, looking over at you meeting your eyes before looking back at the road.

“it’s going. half the time im just tired and need a break. that’s why i’m glad you offered to let me come up.. i really just needed to be away from everything at home.” you sighed, your hand coming to your forehead to gently rub it. he took his free hand and moved it back, gently rubbing his finger against your arm.

“i definitely don’t understand but i wish i did.. sometimes i wish i could put myself in your shoes.” he said, you knew he cared - but sometimes he wasn’t great with his words when it came to comforting you over work. he never really understood what it was like to work a normal job, even through college. his parents paid for everything when he was busy studying and playing hockey in college. the two of you talked about stuff while driving, stuff you hadn’t talked ab the night before or just the music on the radio… small talk always turned into long deep conversations. you always loved that about him. ever since that first night the two of you went out to dinner together back in highschool.

getting to his place, you walked in, being greeted by his two dogs, smiling as they sniffed you, wagging their tails excitedly, they didn’t jump which shocked you. “i didn’t realized you trained them so well” you smiled as he walked past you with your bags in his hands.

“yeah it took a long time..” he shrugged as he walked into the spare bedroom he had assigned to you. “you’ve never been here before right?”

“i think maybe for a party when i was in new york but that’s about it..” most of your years apart, he’d been coming back to minnesota. he’d come and see you. even when you were in new york for a few playoff games, he saw you at your hotel and you guys were together everywhere except for his home.

“oh - i thought you’d been here more then that.” he felt a bit of guilt wash over him as he walked out of the room you were staying in. “uh- well cmon girl.” he said motioning for you to come into the room with him. you laughed before following after him.

“this is your room, you have a nice view. your sheets are clean and you have clean towels in your bathroom.” he pointed to the bathroom off the side of the bedroom. “but if you need anymore, they’re in the bathroom in my bedroom.” he smiled, before putting his hand on the small of your back, guiding you out of the room. he motioned to everything as he spoke it out ‘living room, balcony that’s really high up so he doesn’t sit out there much, the kitchen, the spare bathroom, his bedroom, his bathroom’ the sheets on his bed weren’t flattened or made, they were everywhere showing he didn’t make his bed which made you smile at the ounce of personality laced into his room.

“oh and.. there’s the washer and dryer for you..” he pointed to a little side area, where the two were tucked away off of the kitchen. you didn’t have much to say except for complimenting his home. for a small apartment.. it was large. the windows were high and so were the ceilings, lots of natural light accenting the colors of his apartment.

the tall man let you off to unpack while he took care of his dogs, taking them downstairs and outside while you put the clean clothes into the dresser he had told you to put them in and in the closet in the room. and taking all your dirty clothes and putting them in the washer. you embarrassingly made sure you knew what panties and bras were in the wash before you pushed your clothes in there, not having any interest in letting him even go near your clothes if you didn’t know what was in there.

you thought about what he was thinking about as you walked through his apartment, thinking that maybe he was thinking about you while he leaned down to pet his dog. maybe he was thinking about all your outfits you planned to wear or everything the two of you would do…

and honestly that is all that was on his mind. something that he kept secret was how much he adored you… yeah he’s been there for the last 10 years with you, but he probably loved you more then any girl he’s ever attempted to date.

everytime he’d find a girl, you’d stay out of his life as much as possible though every waking minute he thought “what will i do with y/n tonight?”, “i wonder what she’s doing”, “does she want to hangout this weekend?”. and even when he moved to the island, even when he signed for all those years with new york, he still dreamt of a reality he could have with you. but he knew you didn’t like him like that. sometimes he even wondered if you were using him but moments like today where you looked at him like you needed something more from him when he held you close in a hug, he knew that even if you didn’t love him the same way he did, that you were there for the long haul.

eventually, you were out of your airport clothes and into shorts and an islanders hoodie, trying to stay comfortable and feel clean. you sat yourself on the couch as anders walked in.

“i tried to give you as much time as possible..” he said while letting the dogs off their leash.

“you gave me plenty. thank you.” you smiled as you turned your body to view him from the couch. he walked closer to you and his hand rested on the back of the couch, leaning over you.

“i see you’ve gotten comfortable.” he smiled, bending down closer to you. “nice hoodie, you a big isles fan?” anders teased as he pulled at the soft material. he let go and stood up straight again, coming to sit down beside you.

“yeah, i have this boy i like a lot, he plays for the islanders.” you teased him back, batting your eyelashes at him.

“oh really?” he sat down, taking your legs and laying them across his lap. “tell me more about him.. he sounds fun.”

“he is. he’s tall and blonde.. he’s got nice teeth and a lot of freckles, he’s very very handsome..” you made a face, teasing him further. “so handsome” you threw your head back, swooning.

“wow! he sounds like a very lovely guy. i wish you luck” his cheeks burned a little, patting your shin with his wide palm. you noticed as the pink patched across his cheeks, making yours turn that soft shade as well. you looked away from him, sticking your hand out to gently pet one of his dogs that sat at his feet. “so um.. what do you wanna do tonight? or just.. in the next two weeks.” he cleared his throat, breaking the silence with his question.

“well.. i don’t know. you’re the one with the idea of what’s to do!” you said gently hitting his arm.

“hm.. well i have two games this week, and next week i have 2 next week.. one is an away game. so i’m sorry in advance..” he said, gently squeezing your bare leg.

“it’s okay, i kind of expected you to be gone longer then that” you cut him some slack as he thought further.

“i dunno, we should just play it by ear. but if you want something good for dinner tonight, we can go somewhere fancy or somewhere simple, what are you thinking?”

“hm.. something simple. i’ll save dressing up nice for another night.” you said leaning into the cushion, staring back to him.

a smile formed across his face, his dark blue eyes squinting as he smiled. “okay.. cool. did you happen to bring your jersey with you? if not we can always just go and buy you a new one..”

you almost blushed as you remembered how he was so willing to spoil you. so quick to give you anything you wanted. “yeah i brought it.. i wouldn’t mind a new one though.” you said pulling your legs out of his lap, bringing them to your chest.

“yeah doesn’t yours just have an A on it?”

“oh heavens no, it’s not that old. I do have an A one though.”

the conversation continued , talking about all the small things you could simply conceive into a conversation. it moved from the couch, to the kitchen, to his room and to the balcony, you both talked almost non stop until you realized the both of you were hungry. the two of you talked about where to eat dinner and as he let you go to get ready, he himself got in the shower. when you pulled on some nicer clothes, placing your perfume at your pulses, and grabbing some small things you needed, as you sat in the living room again , the smell of his body wash filled the apartment from the hot shower he took. you almost keeled over, thinking ab how nice he’s always smelled.

after he finished his shower and got dressed, he met you in the living room and grabbing his keys from the table sitting in front of you, he nodded to the door. “let’s go.” he said with a cute little smile, offering you a hand to stand you up. he pulled a jacket over his shoulders but knew he was only grabbing it to help you out when he knew you’d complain about being colder later in the night.

sometimes his personality makes it easy for you to forget he’s an athlete, ignoring that it’s professional. he does this for a living, but the way he treats you, you easily forget it. he walked with you, holding a soft conversation as the two of you rode the elevator, got in his truck and rode to dinner. dinner was in some small restaurant in one of those small towns on the island. dinner was good but the one thing you paid attention to the entire night was him. getting ice cream after and even buying a few groceries at the store with him before going home, it was all him. on the drive him, you leaned into the center console, your knees were at your chest and the moment the two of you had sang a song the two of you fondly shared memories of, your pinkies had become linked with the other. it took until the end of the drive where the two of you managed to let go, neither wanting to but both of you having to hold something going inside, there was no other choice.

you struggled to believe that you’d be able to spend these two weeks without folding and telling him but you didn’t know that he felt the entire same way.

as the night grew later, anders was laying on the couch doing his hockey homework, watching over old footage, almost his entire body sprawled across the couch. he had a notebook sat on his thigh, slowly scribbling stuff on it under the light of a lamp.

you had found a laundry basket and pushed your now dry clothes into it, slowly scooting it over to the living room to sit on the floor and fold your clothes. he noticed as you sat down and began to move his feet. “here, come sit-“ and he stopped once he saw you shake your head.

“no it’s okay.” you smiled to him. he nodded and gave a soft response before looking back at the footage. every now and again he’d glance down at you while it plays quietly. he watched as you bobbed your head to the music playing in your own head, listening to your quiet hums. he watched your quick movements with folding your clothes, wondering why you were moving so fast with some items of clothing. he began to observe what was in the basket instead of watching his footage like he should’ve been. you tried to ignore his eyes on you as you folded through the panties and bras you had washed that you didn’t want him to see, though with his hockey eye precision he did anyways. his face turned a soft pink as he finally realized what he was looking at - he was now back to watching hockey while you folded laundry. suddenly you were a little relieved to have the uncomfortable subject matter in your hands.

you now were the one observing him as he did his thing. you watched how he wrote messily against his thigh, trying to ignore how thick it was underneath the notepad. something about his legs was how large they were. perfect for sitting in a crowded space, inconvenient situation, for a booster in a mirror or maybe one day a sloppy hookup who knows. but as the thoughts raced through your head, creating scenarios past the ones you already experienced such as inconvenient situations.. your cheeks began to burn and suddenly your hands were conveniently back in the laundry before you finished.

“i have morning skate tomorrow.. if you wanna come” he said as he turned the tv off, breaking the room off into silence except for his voice. he began to sit up, stretching as he sat all the way up. he then leaned over, resting his elbows against his thighs to watch as you placed the folded laundry back into the basket. you stood up and stared down at him. “yeah.. sure i can go.” you said, shrugging, leaning over to pick up the basket.

“cool. you have to wake up early though.” he also stood, coming closer to you, leaning over you momentarily. “you should get some sleep then.” his hand gently rested on your arm, pushing you gently towards the bedroom you stayed in.

“so should you..” you rolled your eyes, a smile forming across his lips as he leaned down, pressing a kiss to the top of your head.

“i’m glad you’re staying with me for two weeks… get some rest.” he said as he stepped past you, making his way to his room. “goodnight.” he turned to see you and as you began walking to your own room, you turned to look at him as well. his hair was a mess over his head and it made you giggle.

“goodnight.” you nodded before gently shutting the door to your room. you could hear the dogs as they shuffled into his room to lay in the bed with him. you didn’t even want to imagine what he wore to bed but if it was anything like college, it was still nothing but boxers… he was so fit and it was almost insufferable.

sleeping that night was easy, you had put away all your laundry before you almost drowned yourself entirely in your sheets, cozy until the morning where he opened your door with a soft voice, coaxing you out of your sleep.

“goodmorning..” he said as he leaned into your doorway. you let out a groan, trying to ignore him before he did the same again. he did it once more before he was letting the dogs into the room, excited to see you as he walked in as well. he knew you were never the best at waking up early so he tried his best to get you out of bed without putting you in a bad mood.

“come on” he said, sitting down at your feet, gently shaking your legs. “get up, hon.” he stared up at the ceiling, listening to your voice as you complained more and more, finally pulling yourself out of the sheets. hunched over yourself you stared at him through tired eyes.

“goodmorning.” he smiled, staring down at you with his dark eyes. “do you still want to go?”

“mhm..” you nodded, letting your head fall into his arm. how hand came to the back of your head, stroking your hair before slowly getting up again.

“okay then, get up, we gotta go.”

standing in the shower, you slowly began to wake up more, still yawning every few minutes before you finished your shower, trying to move at a good pace knowing he needed to get going. you brushed your teeth and pulled some clothes on before walking out.

“here..” he said, putting a jacket over your shoulders before he grabbed his keys. you pulled his jacket around your body, smelling him within the threads. you walked behind him as the two of you walked down the hallway.

“do you want dunkin?” he said to you as you both made your way to his truck, getting in, he heard you utter a soft yes. you stared down at your phone for a bit until he called your name.

“yeah?”

“you okay?” he said, his blonde hair was curly that morning, looking barely brushed out.

“yeah i am.. i’m just sleepy.”

“mh. yeah i know how you get. i’m sorry for getting you up so early” he gave you a gentle smile and you gave it back, making his smile even brighter. bundled up in his jacket, the two of you got your dunkin and were off to the arena. todays skate was in UBS. it wasn’t public but you sat with a few of the media detailing people, knowing one or two, being able to chat while the boys practiced. it was a longer practice, coach trying to condition them after a loss. you knew anders would be a little sore later that day, causing you to think of any remedies you may have while they finished up.

as anders finished, he was at the top of the stairs at the lower level of the arena seating.

“you wanna go?” he said, a soft smile on his face, nodding to the general direction of the exit. he felt like he never stood in this perspective of the arena, causing him to be overcome with slight shock as he watched you jog up the stairs. “you seem a bit more chipper now..” his gaze met yours as you walked with him to the truck.

“yeah i’m a bit better now” you smiled. the two of you held your hands in your pockets, but you felt your body brush against his every now and again while walking. you wished with everything inside of you that you could place your hand in his.

“do you want to get breakfast now? or do something else” he said, kicking a pebble under his foot before you made it to his truck. getting in you told him sure and that’s where you went. you went somewhere he wanted, you didn’t really care . the two of you ate breakfast in perfect bliss, sitting across from each other while quietly chatting over stacks of pancakes and bacon.

the two of you decided to end the morning back at his apartment so the two of you could just end up napping.

when getting into the apartment, the two of you had taken the dogs outside, you taking one while he took the other and as you both came inside, a yawn fell over the both of you. you changed into some more comfortable clothes and as you settled into the couch, turning on the TV to play some ambiguous movie, he ended up sitting down next to you. he offered you to sit against him so you did, tucking yourself underneath his arm, laying in his chest. the two of you slowly began to lay further on the couch, sooner or later, your body on top of his while he laid there with his arms around you.

the two of you were asleep, the sun slowly coming through the windows, leaving you both sleeping for hours before one of you finally woke up. it was him..

he woke up, seeing your head against his chest. his cheeks burned as he brought his hand to play with the ends of your hair as they fell across his chest. he lifted his leg so that his thigh was pressed to yours, warming your body as you rested. he winced a little, feeling his body becoming sore, especially as he felt your weight under him but he tried to ignore it, more focusing on matching his breathing pattern to your own.

starting up at the ceiling, he felt your breathing pattern change as you began to wake up. “hi” he said softly, pulling his hand from your hair, watching as you blinked slowly at him. “hiiii” you smiled, pushing your face into his chest again, not even thinking about how you laid on top of him.

“we don’t have to get up, but can you maybe move your legs a little so i can move my leg..” his voice was gentle, and you made a soft noise of approval.

“you can move me however you want..” you said against his chest, essentially going rag doll on him.

as a man does, the words sounded foul in his head, as his hands moved to your sides, gently grabbing you and pulling you up with his body. he tried to ignore how they made him feel as he pushed his thigh between your legs, sitting you up against his frame. he let your arms fall around his chest as you settled in his lap. he found the remote and changed it over to the footage he had to continue doing over from the night before, noticing how you seemed to have fallen back asleep, sitting in his lap. as he began to watch the plays again, he whispered comments to myself.

although he thought you were asleep, when laying there, in reality you were trying to process how when you spoke… he placed you with his thigh right between your legs. you tried to ignore it, you tried to ignore the feeling growing in your body, but as his hand met the small of your back.. you almost folded. you listened to his whispers, but noticing his breath getting heavier, it made it hard to focus on anything he was doing when lacking one of your key senses.

feeling risky, as anders pushed his hand down the small of your back, his fingers pushed under the elastic of the shorts you had on.. not with any devious intention, just to entertain himself as he rubbed his hand across your back. he would do it every few times his hand would come down to your waistband. he noticed over time your breathing pattern hadn’t shifted back to how it did when you slept and simply your breaths began to get heavier as you continued on. he shifted, his thigh pressing into your core…

“anders..” your voice came out soft and quick, causing your eyes to shoot open, covering your mouth with the speed of lightning. “oh my god- i’m sorry.” your face was red as you leaned against him, trying to act like it didn’t happen all the while his face was burned up too. “i-it’s okay..” he threw his head back, trying not to even think about it but as you readjusted he could feel the way your chest heaved slightly. you tried to ease yourself back to reality as his hand was pressed against your lower half again. his hand now slowly encompassing your ass as he rubbed it up and down your backside. you knew he was doing it on purpose..

you almost felt confident in yourself to simply push yourself down into his quad again and get away with it, but you were scared to even try. you slowly moved your hips against his thigh.. very slowly. only enough so maybe he’d notice if he paid attention. with his hand on your ass, he almost noticed immediately. he didn’t try to stop you, he even moved his hand with your hips. he let it go on for a minute or two before his voice broke the silence.

his name fell from your lips. “what are you doing..” he whispered. he knew what you were doing. he spoke in a voice that just oozed with arrogance. finally .. you turned your head to look at him. when your eyes met his, he could see the ways yours were almost melting out of your head. staring, you saw the cocky smile on his face. he didn’t just want to let you do what you were doing.. he needed it.

“i know what i’m doing, but you should show me what you really want..” you spoke, almost without thinking, hoping maybe he’d try to take control over the situation. but by simply speaking that way, it proved to him that this was something both of you wanted.

Anders nodded and his hands were around your waist again as he picked you up slightly, sitting you back down on his thigh at a better angle. “this okay?”

you nodded, your hands coming to his chest, your eyes meeting his. your hand slowly pushed up his chest, making its way to the back of his neck. you leaned in closer and as your lips ghosted over his, your name quietly fell from his mouth before he pressed his lips into yours. he held you close as you kissed him. you released from the kiss, your eyes opening to see his.

“little desperate aren’t we..” his frowny smile made a smile form across your lips. you nodded and kissed him and again..

“anders..” his name fell from your lips, his hands that held your hips encouraged you to move against his thick thigh. “oh my god..” you whimpered softly, the friction between your legs left your face flushed.

“what is it?” he said , watching as you pulled your head back, your eyes meeting his. “hm tell me..” he hummed.

“it feels so good..” you whined. simply having him hold you like this gave you the satisfaction of a love struck girl. “i’ve wanted this for so long” your head tilted back, following the movements of his hands as he guided you through the roll of your hips.

his cheeks burned at your words. hearing you say it gave him butterflies, he felt stupid feeling that way. “me too” he mumbled as he watched you pleasure yourself on his thigh. he leaned forward, placing his lips against your neck as you leaned back. your soft moans grew as he kissed down your soft skin, gently nipping at it, his tongue relieving the bitten skin.

your skin burned as he kissed at it, his hands slowly moved up your hips and slowly pushed underneath your shirt, feeling up your sides before getting to your chest. “can i take off your shirt?” he asked against your skin. you made a small sound of approval and as he pulled it over your head, he couldn’t ignore the deep blue lacy bra you had on.

“did you wear this for me?” he asked, his hands gently rubbing over the lace on the cups.

“m-maybe.. everything i packed was for you..” you confessed, feeling as his large hands covered your chest, squeezing your chest before his hand came behind you, gently unclipping your bra with one hand while the other moved to the small of your back, helping you hold your rhythm as you ground against his thigh. as he pulled the bra from your frame, he almost drooled at the sight of your bare frame.

“you wanna take those shorts off, baby?” he spoke, placing his face between your neck and your shoulder again, gently kissing at your exposed skin.

“n-not yet..” you whimpered, your hands coming to the back of his neck, playing with the hair at the nape of his neck. he gave a soft noise of acknowledgment as he placed his hand on your lower spine, pushing it forward so that you would lean back, your chest pushed out to him.

he took your nipple between his teeth, gently sucking at your chest. your hand was in his hair, gently tugging at it as he played with your hardening nipples while you fucked yourself on his thigh. he sucked on each of them until he was bored, moving further down until he couldn’t kiss you without moving you from his leg. he could see the look on your face as you go you were close to your orgasm, causing his hard-on growing in his pants to twitch. your face was filled with pure ecstasy. he looked down to see the wet patch on your shorts, forming on his own.

“you gonna cum, baby?” he spoke softly , holding your head up so he could see you. you nodded.

“yes anders.. fuck..” you whined while you held onto him to hold yourself up. “fuck.. please oh my god..” you cried out loudly, feeling yourself coming closer and closer before finally, one last swipe of your clit over his thigh and you were done for. your body leaning into his as you rode out your orgasm, he held your shaking frame close.

“i got you baby…” he said as he move his leg with your body until you slowed down and stopped, your chest rising and falling, underneath his big arms wrapped around you. as you finally came down from your high, you pushed yourself up from his chest, placing a kiss to his jaw.

“you all good?” he asked, patting your back.

“yes.. i’m fine.” a laugh left your mouth , looking down at your legs and your shorts. you even noticed his hard on in his pants , making your face burn. “so uh.. you wanna keep going..” you looked up at him.

soon you were being picked up by him and taken to his bedroom, and as he threw you down on his bed, he was pulling his shirt off before helping you get the wet shorts you had on off as well, soon your panties also. he pushed his shorts down and as he pulled his boxers down, you were sitting there marveling at his body - he was carved by the gods themself. “what?” he said , noticing how you stared when he pushed his hands into his hair, pushing it back from his face before he was on top of you.

when he was on top, he placed his lips against yours. he smiled into the kiss, his hands feeling down your thighs and between your legs before his fingers gently pressed against your sensitive clit, causing you to shutter against him.

“anders..” you whimpered as he circled your sensitive clit. he breathed against your lips, trying to contain himself while his cock throbbed between his legs. he continued to push you to your edge before you were almost at your second orgasm then pulling his fingers away. your voice sounded desperate as you whined his name.

“you ready for me to fuck you?” he spoke as he pulled away, finding his body between your legs, pushing them around his hips.

you nodded, as he picked up his cock, pushing the tip through your wet folds. his cock was thick in his hand as he pressed his tip against your entrance. he took his free hand, pushing your leg up around his side. “okay baby..” he mumbled quietly before he pushed his cock into you, slowly pushing himself in further, leaning over you to stare at your face as you melted into ecstasy. he didn’t stop until his cock was fully buried inside of you, causing his head to fall forward, a grunt leaving him.

his hair was a mess as he held his hand to your hip, his fingers imprinting on your soft skin. “f-fuck anders..” your voice was weak as he composed himself, finally pulling out until he was nearly at the top again before slamming back into you. you cried out, your hands meeting the sheets, your fingers tightened within the soft fabric as he began to steadily thrust into you. your name fell from his lips as he threw his head back, fucking into you.

he soon leaned over you, placing his arms under your waist, holding your hips up higher to his as he fucked you, causing him to hit you at a different angle. your moans became louder as you melted under him. your back arched underneath him, you whines while he freed a hand to hold your face, causing you to look up at him.

“open..” he spoke softly, encouraging you to open your swollen lips so he could press his fingers into your mouth, his thick digits filling your mouth, your moans vibrating against his calloused skin.

as you sucked his fingers, he fucked his cock into you, picking up his pace while he watched his fingers go in and out of your mouth. “shit baby…” he groaned under his breath while he held your hips to him. you couldn’t express how close you were through speaking so you used your noises, moaning loudly around his fingers, your eyes hooded as you tried to keep yourself composed as you could feel your second orgasm rising through your skin.

“you bout to cum, baby?” he leaned closer to you, pulling his fingers from your mouth. you nodded. “no tell me more..” he spoke, his hand moving your hair from your face.

“yes.. fuck anders i’m gonna cum. i’m gonna cum on your fucking cock..” you strung your words together as he held your face.

“why don’t we cum together” he said, leaning back, knowing this meant you couldn’t just cum when you wanted to. he leaned back, placing both hands back on your hips, holding you up by your hip bones rather than under your back. he began to pull your hips to his, adding to the overwhelming pleasure growing. he thrusted into the spot which made you see stars, feeling himself edging closer every time he’d thrust into you. throwing his head back, he groaned.

“fuck baby i’m gonna cum oh my god..” his fingers began to bruise your skin as he gripped your hips.

“cum inside of me.. please anders-“ you whined. he knew you were safe - so he was almost begging in his head to be able to cum inside of you. you could feel yourself coming closer, almost being pushed over the edge until he finally said

“cum for me baby..” his words were gruff as he continued to rock his hips into you, watching as you finally let yourself go, your body arching towards him while you almost screamed his name, squeezing his cock with your walls, coaxing him to give you one final slam into your cunt before filling you up. you tried not to scream as he leaned over, holding you close as you rode through your orgasm. “fuck baby.. you’re so good.. god damn you’re so good..” he stilled his hips, fighting his own urges to continue fucking you through his own orgasm. he was deep in you, his cum could have dripped out with how much he dumped into you.

your chest was heaving as he slowly moved back, your eyes were very soft as you stared up at him.

“can i pull out or would you like me to stay here a little longer..” he asked, moving your hair from your face once more, leaning over to kiss you gently.

“y-you can pull out..” your voice was hoarse, leaving him to kiss your cheeks and forehead, your lips against them your chin before he sat up, slowly pulling out. he watched as his cum dripped from you, biting his lip before he got up, pulling on his boxers before getting a warm damp rag to clean you up from his bathroom. making his way back in, he watched as you slowly propped yourself up on your palms.

“you doin okay?” he spoke softly as he wiped between your legs, up your thighs and down between your folds. you nodded , a small sound of approval leaving your lips as you stared at him while he concentrated between your legs. he finally looked up at you, his blue eyes meeting yours. you leaned forward, placing your lips against his. he moved a hand to hold your face as he kissed you.

“i want to tell you something - but i just don’t want you to freak out..” your voice was soft as you spoke against his lips.

“yeah , what is it?” he slowly pulled away, moving to go and grab you some of his own sweatpants - “one second.” he jogged to your room, finding where you had put your clothes and found panties for you before jogging back. he walked over to you and helped put them on your frame.

“i uh.. i don’t know.. i just think i have to confess to you how much i’ve wanted to do that for so long..” you spoke as he pushed the pants up your legs.

“yeah?” his response wasn’t dismissive, he was thinking of a response. “well i’ve always.. felt the same. i just couldn’t ever tell you..” he looked up, his eyes meeting yours.

“ive wanted you for a long time” he shrugged. “ever since that first night we went out to dinner after a game. you’ve been the one i’ve wanted..” he said, placing his lips against yours.

“then why did you wait so long?” you asked as he pulled away, to grab a t-shirt for you. he came back to the bed and motioned for you to lift your arms up.

as he pulled the shirt over your head he spoke “well i could ask you the same thing.” he shrugged and finally sat back down on the bed with you, rolling back to lay with you in the pillows. “i guess maybe i just expected it to happen.. i’m not sure.”

you smiled, looking up at him with your frame against him. his chest was bare, and as you leaned against him you could feel as his heart beat.

“i’m not sure how this will work out, y/n.. but i love you. you know i love you but i mean it.. i love you so much that words fail to describe how much i’ve always wanted you.” he said, his eyes avoiding yours, almost embarrassed at having to dump out all of his feelings.

“i love you too anders.. so much.” you reached your hand up, forcing him to look down at you, a smile on your face as you did so. “you should treat me to dinner some time this week..” a giggle slipped from your lips as he rolled his eyes.

“yeah- if i can get you out of the house without wanting to fuck you again..” he chirped, leaning down to place a soft kiss on your lips. “you should take a nap again baby” he said, his hands rubbing down your back once more.

“you too..” you said, placing your face against his chest as you let sleep take over you again.

it was almost like everything that just happened was fake - how on earth did you just fuck your best friend and in all of it, confess your feelings to him in the process. you never thought he’d feel the same way but suddenly, when the two of you were left alone in a place no one could even think to interrupt, all the walls came crashing down.

you loved that boy; you’ve loved him ever since that night he showed an ounce of compassion that no star QB, no NHL bound forward, no highschool league baseball player could have ever shown any girl like he showed you.

the way his hands fit into yours and the way his lips felt when he kissed your head or the way his arm fell into the groove of your waist was never unnoticed in any situation where you were closer than just friends.

anders lee was your best friend and your love.. no one could ever take that from you, not now.

#anders lee #ny islanders #skjeinon speaks #nhl imagine #nhl smut #nhl fluff #nhl fanfic #nhl fanfiction #islanders imagine #ny islanders imagine #isles imagine #i forgot how to tag #what the fuck

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sleepyzenpanda · 7 months ago

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ASOCAS3!!!!

I’m so unbelievably overjoyed that I was able to attend this year’s ASOCAS! It was a last minute decision but well worth it! I really hope I can go to ASOCAS 4!

I’m so proud to be a part of the #saveshadowandbone & #savesixofcrows campaign! I had so much fun and was so happy to meet the rest of the team and make new friends!

Please follow @savethegrishaverse on Tumblr, Instagram, and @ savethegrisha on Twitter/X for updates on the campaign

I was so excited to have 2 photo shoots with Jack!!! I was so nervous to meet him but he was so sweet! I originally had 1 photo shoot with him but because Kit and Freddy canceled and we couldn’t do the Wesper and Crows photo shoot Empire Conventions refunded those purchases and I decided to get 2 photo shoots with Jack, a selfie with him, and two signatures! Refund money well spent!!!

When Jack signed my photo he said it turned out really cute!!! I almost squealed! He is an absolute treasure!

I decided to add some cute emojis to the pic I took of the the 2nd photo! Had to include pride emojis in there 🖤🩶🤍💜🏳️‍🌈

Also I want to thank Zarunia for providing the badges, name tags, and the folders to the team members. It didn’t even cross my mind to bring a folder for the photo shoot photos. It was truly a life saver!

For the selfies they took 3 quick pics with my phone. My eyes were closed for the first one but at least I got 2 cute selfies!

I was originally planning to have Kit sign Jesper’s quote but Jack was kind enough to sign both Wylan and Jesper’s quotes! I’m a little sad that his signature got a little smudged on the glossy paper 😭 I had actually thought about bringing a blank sheet to prevent that but i forgot orz I’m still really happy he signed my Six of Crows book though

The amazing @ shadow_storm_rising on Instagram created this beautiful memory book for the convention to collect signatures from everyone at ASOCAS who wanted to sign. Pic of my signature posted with permission

Finally I want to thank Empire Convention and the Hyatt Regency Paris Étoile for holding the convention, as well as all the amazing actors!!!

Special thanks the amazing convention staff who saw my cane and immediately directed me to the disability access line and gave me a disability pass even though I hadn’t registered for one! When I bought my ticket the translator on my phone said that they required a disability pass and in the US I don’t qualify for one because I can walk a certain number of steps without my cane. But the staff was very nice and accommodating stating it wasn’t a problem

#third army #asocas #asocas 3 #a storm of crows and shadows #a storm of crows and shadows 3 #empire conventions #jack wolfe #shadow and bone #six of crows #saveshadowandbone #savesixofcrows #save shadow and bone #save six of crows #six of crows spin off #nmnf #no mourners no funerals

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sandcobangevent · 7 months ago

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💥 SHERLOCK & CO FLASHBANG EVENT!!!1!1 I had such a blast being a part of this and working with my epic teammate @whrys (who’s fic you should totally read btw as it goes with this) (john can never catch a break bless)

by @fleurdelait and @whrys

John Watson thinks himself a very good man. He always takes care of people when he can, but if the cause of that is because he genuinely is a good person, or because he was a doctor in war, he would rather not speculate on. He likes to make himself useful in every situation and dislikes having nothing to do, especially when his best friend and coworker, the reputable Sherlock Holmes, is completely ignoring all the cases they could take on. But even though he spends a lot of his time with Sherlock, on account of them living together, he can get tired of him. So, John is now not in the flat, or with Sherlock on a case. He is on a bus, heading to a football stadium.

He had finally had some time to himself, because there were no new cases and Mariana, his and Sherlocks secretary, even though she did so much more than that, was done with all their paperwork. It seemed the stars had aligned for John this day, because there was also a football game with his favorite team nearby, or at least in a reasonable bus length. He had bought the tickets a week earlier, but usually when he planned ahead, there would be an unforeseen case that sherlock wanted to take, and John had to cancel whatever plans he had. But just this once he took a chance, because the game was with his favorite team, and it was in his city. He could always get a refund. But no, when he woke up, Sherlock did not bust down his door with a new case, and Mariana had not left a note with something that needed to be done. He was free all morning and thus decided to get out of the house before something did happen.

And now he was on the bus. Sitting by the window and looking at everything going past. He had not forgotten his team scarf, which he made sure to put in his bag before going to bed last night. When he wasn’t looking out the windows, he was fiddling with his pheon. Scrolling various social media, looking at what’s happening in his discord channel. “Jonk” was apparently making it big again. While going through his latest episodes comments, he saw a message pop up from Sherlock. Damn it. And he was almost at the arena too. He expected the usual spam of messages when he took more than a minute to respond. “Watson” “This is important” It usually wasn’t. “Mariana wants me to tell you-” “Watson” “John” “Hello”. Lately Sherlock has been calling John more by his first name. He thought this was because Sherlock was trying to be more familiar with him, to make him focus or listen to what he was saying. But he didn’t mind. He kind of liked it. But there were no more messages. Just the one. Maybe that means it wasn’t that important? Actually not important, this time. John chose to ignore it. But it was weird. Not Sherlocks normal behavior, if he had any. It was bothering John, and he looked out the window once again as the bus drove over a bridge. And as the ride continued, so did the uneasy feeling in his chest. The bus stopped and John eyes rested on a sign that said ‘Stanford's’. He remembered his friend that introduced them and the entire day that they met on. As the bus started moving again, so did his thoughts. With a sigh, finally, he gave in. He knew he shouldn’t, but he couldn’t help himself. He picked up the phone and read the text. He knew if he read this, and it was something trivial that Sherlock tricked him back to the apartment with that made him miss yet another game, he would absolutely regret it. He had come back to the apartment every time Sherlock called, and if he did so now as well, Sherlock would not learn that he wouldn’t come every time he was called. But alas, he will. It’s Sherlock after all.

But instead of seeing a text about a very important case or just a beckon for him to come home with no explanation, he saw “John, this is Mariana, are you with Sherlock? He’s not home, but all his stuff is here. Even his headphones”

John froze. It wasn’t from Marianas number; it was definitely Sherlocks. Probably because he left his phone at home. Honestly, this shouldn’t be that worrying, Sherlock can sometimes disappear for a day, he could have found a very interesting animal or just calming down from interacting with people for a while. But not bringing headphones is out of character. John: Mariana, why are you messaging from Sherlocks phone? Sherlock: I knew you’d answer if it was him. If I sent it from mine, you would ignore it because you thought it was about paperwork or having to talk with clients. John: That’s fair. John: Have you seen anything Sherlock may have left behind? Sherlock: Not immediately, but he wasn’t kidnapped if that’s what you’re thinking. His shoes are gone. Kidnappers don’t put on their victims’ shoes. John: Yeah, that makes sense. But I’ll come home right now anyway.

He had chosen what he cared about. Sherlock.

After getting home, and trying to get the right bus back, John bursts through the door, looking around for Mariana or Sherlock. “Mariana? Are you here?” “In here John! Sherlock is here too.” John follows her voice to the kitchen, where she and Sherlock are sitting at the table. She seems to be patching him up as he has wounds all over. “Oh my god Sherlock, who did this to you?” “It’s fine Watson, Ms. Hudson is a qualified enough doctor to prescribe a few band-aids.” The sarcasm was practically dripping from Sherlocks voice. And he was still using the wrong name for Mariana. “Yes John, he’s going to be fine. I just need to get him to sit still long enough to put on this elastic bandage- Sherlock stop picking at it.” “You’re putting it on wrong, the compression doesn’t work that way.” “Here, Mariana, I’ll do it.” John very kindly shushed Mariana out of her chair and took Sherlocks arm in his hands. She took the hint and went to get something from her room. John undid the bandage and started over. Not because he wanted to hold Sherlocks hand more, but because it was easier that way. Obviously. “Where would I be without my doctor.” Sherlock broke the silence. John looked up to look at his detective. “You would be wherever you were that made you get like this. Oh, speaking of, where were you that could make you get like this?” “Way to ruin the moment, Watson. I was simply out walking, and someone attacked me. Judging by the amount of preparation they had for me, I presume they already knew who I am, and hold some sort of grudge. I might’ve caught one of their friends in a case, or they just don’t like me, which I have been told is not unusual.” “I like you.” John realized after uttering it what exactly he had said. He chose to continue with his thoughts. “You mean a lot to me. You have no idea how worried I was when Mariana said you had gone.” “John.” Sherlock’s tone caught John’s attention, and he looked up. The eye contact felt like it lasted for an eternity. He finished wrapping Sherlocks arm with the bandage and took his hand. “You should know I skipped yet another football game for this.” “I know. You still have the scarf on you.” As he mentioned the team scarf that was still around John’s neck, he grabbed it and pulled it closer, making their foreheads touch. John didn’t need to be a good person to know that Sherlock would always be here, at 221B Baker Street. John was happy.

#john watson #submission #sherlock & co #mariana ametxazurra #flashbang event #sherlock homes #sherlock and co

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choimari-achoochu · 6 months ago

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When he misses your birthday>>>

a/n : this was just a random drabble and for the love of God do I tell you I had trouble deciding who would this be for to the point I had to change the names twice 😭😞 but anyway, I'm sorry for being inactive so PLEASE HAVE THIS AS I STILL STRUGGLE WITH THE SUNGHOON I'M TRYING TO WRITE. It will be a full fic so I'm really working on it 🥲

Tags : Sunghoon x reader, angst, cursing

You knew Sunghoon was a busy person, he likes keeping himself occupied at all times and being productive. That's what you loved about your boyfriend. You just never knew it was to such an extent where asking 1 day from him was so difficult to achieve. Especially because it your birthday. You were exactly the type of person to celebrate your own birthday, but ever since bring with him you loved to spend each and every day with him special or not.

"Sunghoon. Love, do you have anything going on at work on Friday next week?" You ask timidly.

"No, not really. Why?" He responds without looking up from his laptop to return your gaze.

"Nothing. I just wanted to spend that day with you and it's been a while since we've gone on a date, right? Why don't we go on a date?" You respond as you're grinning from ear-to-ear at the thought being able to spend your birthday with your boyfriend as he's been too busy to spend some time with you. You understood how demanding his job seemed to be because you also have really late and long shifts at the hospital you work at as an intern.

"That's fine but why is there a specific day?" He piqued, finding it suspicious how your date had to be on Friday and couldn't be any other day.

"Well, that's the day I asked for a day off for." You lied. Well, you didn't technically lie. You did ask for a day off because it was birthday.

"All right, fine." He sighed and shifted his attention back to his work as he continues typing on his computer. While you went to sleep with a grin.

Friday came and you're met with all sorts of disappointments. You've had everything ready from movie tickets you bought, the tickets to the amusement park you bought, the photoshoot you had booked at a photobooth, up to the dinner at your favorite restaurant you had booked a reservation for.

You woke up with your boyfriend's side of the bed empty and cold. You thought he had just gotten up early and went downstairs, so you got up and took a shower immediately. When you got downstairs, your boyfriend was nowhere to be seen. You opened your phone and there were no messages from him telling you about where he went so you decided to ask for yourself.

You : Good morning, love! Woke up without you here. Where are you right now?

Sunghoon♡ : Something urgent happened at work. I'll be back as soon as we settle this.

You : oh... Alright! I'll wait for you:)

There was no more messages after the one he sent as he had left you on read. You decided to get dressed be ready to go out as you wait for him to arrive. Though, it was way longer than you thought it would last. The time allotted for the movies you had bought tickets to had passed. You sighed and grabbed your car keys to drive yourself to your next planned place for your date with you boyfriend.

"Absolute bullshit." You muttered under your breath, the photobooth you booked had to cancel and refund your money as their machine had broken down and would take about 2 days to finish. You sighed for the nth time this day, calming yourself as you went back inside your car and decided to call the restaurant for you adjust the time a bit earlier than booked.

"Hello, you have reached our restaurant's staff. This is Haruna, what may I do for you?" The lady at the other line chirped after answering the call.

"Hello, uhm, I'm calling to adjust the time of my reservation about an hour earlier. Is that possible?" You spoke in a calm manner, even though you were almost about to break down inside your car while still being at the parking lot.

"Well we do have a fully booked day but may I know the name and time of the reservation, please?" The lady responded.

"It's L/N Y/N for 6 p.m." You nervously answered, not wanting your day to be even worse than it already is.

"Alright, I'll see what I can do." The receptionist's stated with a cheery tone.

"I'm sorry, ma'am. Your name doesn't seem to be on the list for today's reservees." Her vocied dropped seeming to match your disappointed face as soon as you heard her words.

"What do you mean? I booked the reservation three days ago. How come my name isn't there?" You said with a slightly raised tone as you pulled at a few strands of your hair.

"I'm sorry, we're not sure what happened. Maybe the person who had typed your reservation forgot to save it. We're really sorry." The lady responded once again with a more apologetic tone this time.

You sighed again and bid your goodbye to the lady. You rest your head on the wheel of your car and let yourself calm down. The day wasn't over just yet. You lift your head and opened your phone once again, searching for different restaurants to eat at. You found one that you remember you've gone to once and liked but was quite the drive from your house. You called and booked a reservation and, fortunately, they weren't fully booked. You were content with the idea and decided to go back home to change into different clothes.

The moment you had applied finishing touches to your features, the sun was already starting to set.

You grabbed your keys and rushed out of your shared apartment to drive off to the restaurant. It was about a maximum of a 7 minute drive to arrive at the said establishment, but their food was worth it. Even though you the restaurant you had first booked at was your first favorite, this place could also be your favorite with it's very elegant yet home-like texture of it's interior.

You approached the reception area and the staff immediately guided you to your table. You thanked them and sat down as they walked away. A waitress later approaches your table.

"Good evening, ma'am. Will anyone be joining you today?" She asked as she placed down a glass of water in front of you.

"Oh, thank you, and yes. My boyfriend will be here soon." You responded with a smile.

The waitress nodded and left. You sent your boyfriend a quick message to let him know you had a change of plan for dinner at a different restaurant. The waitress later came back with two menus and told you to call her once you're ready to order. You thanked her once again and continued to wait for your boyfriend.

Seconds turned into minutes, minutes turned into hour. Your beloved was still nowhere to be seen. You had sent him multiple messages asking him where he was and called him multiple times, yet there was no answer. He hasn't even read your messages. The waitress kept coming back asking you if you were ready to order and you can't even count how many times you've said, "Oh, I'll just wait for a bit more. My boyfriend hasn't arrived." to the point you feel like they're starting to think your delusional and waiting for someone who doesn't exist. The most patient part of you decided to wait more, you trusted your boyfriend. He wouldn't forget to spend this day with you. You've been planning it all week, after all. But, alas, another hour went by without a single sound from your boyfriend. You had decided to at least order salad to-go for the sake of the kind waitress who had been going back and forth from your table to her station. She seemed relieved to know you're finally ordering something.

As they were preparing your food, you were cleaning up your stuff to leave after they have your order ready before you heard your phone ring. You knew immediately who it was as you pressed to answer the call.

"Hello?" You said with a bitter tone absolutely wanting to go batshit on your lovely boyfriend for having stood you up on your birthday.

"Hey, I saw the missed calls. Where are you? Did you go out?" You couldn't help but feel conflicted. Your boyfriend's boice sounded so tired, but you also couldn't push the thoughts of how much of an asshole he was for not remembering your date.

"I'm at ______, you?" You heaved a sigh before responding as the waiter called for you to pay and receive your order. You stood up, your bag strap on your shoulder as you fished for your wallet.

"Why are you there? Did you have dinner with some friends or something? If so, why didn't you tell me..." He responded, tone laced with disappointment. He listened to you speak to a staff of the establishment before he hears a chime, telling him you've gotten out of the restaurant. You walked back to your car and put the bag with food on the passenger seat before facing your phone once again realizing he hasn't ended the call yet.

"Hello? Y/N?" He called for you trying to catch your attention.

"What time did you get off of work?" You queued, which surprised him.

"I've been home for about an hour and a half. So, more than an hour ago." He responded clearly confused as to you why you're acting so strange. "Why do you ask?"

"I'll be home in a bit. I have to drive so I'm gonna end the call." You responded with the same bitter tone. Feeling absolutely exhausted and frustrated after the seemingly long day.

"Alright, drive safe." He said in agreement before you pressed your phone to hang up. You rub your hand against your face before leaning your head onto the wheel once and sighing once again. You didn't want to be mad, you couldn't be mad. It was no one's fault that an emergency came up at his workplace, but you just can't help but be upset that he forgot the day you had planned to spend with together.

When you felt your emotions were back on calm enough state for you to drive, you lift your head and inserted your keys into the keyhole before starting the car. Your drive was quite melancholic, helping you to at least not break down in the middle of the road while you're driving. Once you've arrived and parked your car at your apartment building's parking lot, you grab your bag and and the salad you had bought and entered the building.

Once he heard the doorknob twist, Sunghoon's attention was already at the doorway expecting your figure to walk in. Which you did, after taking off your heels.

"Hey, you're home. Why are you so dressed up? Did you meet with someone?" He asked in suspicion as he was not aware who you've met outside with nor that you even went out without his knowledge.

"Wow, Sunghoon. We missed the chance to watch the movie, you stood me up on our dinner date, made me wait for two hours when you've been home for an hour and half because you seemed to have forgotten about our date, didn't bother to call the moment you got home, but you have the audacity to ask me why I'm "all dressed up"?" You scoffed and couldn't help but run a hand through hair as you feel tears pricking your eyes. He looked at you with confusion, What do you mean movie? Date? Oh, shit...

The realization dawned on him immediately but you continued. "Because, well, I don't know. Why don't you ask my boyfriend who I've called almost a dozen times and sent about 20-30 text messages to telling him that I've been waiting for him at the restaurant for 2 hours?" You responded. The snark remark remark wasn't something he expected, but he was more surprised at the realization of what today was. He has forgotten about your date.

He immediately fished his phone out of his pocket and checked his messages, you did send multiple messages.

"Shit... I'm sorry, Y/N. We were discussing a lot of important things and I had my phone on silent. I forgot to open it the moment I got home." He said running his hands through his hair, seemingly apologetic.

"Clearly more important than me, right?" You said followed aby a scoff as you walked away and placed the bag of food on the counter before heading upstairs.

"Y/N, it really was important. You know how busy I've been these days." He said seeking your attention as he followed you up the stairs.

"It's absolutely fine, Sunghoon. It's good that you have your priorities set up. At least now I know where I stand in your life." Your voice laced with sarcasm and passive aggressiveness as you continue to ignore his presence and walk into your bedroom.

"Y/N, for the love of God. Drop the fucking attitude. How can you be so petty over one day we couldn't spend together as if you're not always clinging to me when we're together?!" He snapped and raised his voice, not wanting to deal with your passive aggressive attitude even more.

"So now I'm clingy? One day, Sunghoon. One. Fucking. Day. That's all I asked and you couldn't even give me that." You responded with the same aggression as you turned around and faced him, tears welling up in your eyes from all the pent-up frustration you've kept all day.

"There's more days to come. God, Y/N! We could always go out tomorrow or the day after. Why do you have to be so immature about it today?!" He yelled, confused as to why you seem more upset about how he forgot about your date today than all the other one's you were supposed to go on but got cancelled.

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's because it's my fucking birthday?! Why don't you try that as food for thought." You snapped as tears had rolled down your face. You walk away and enter a different room your apartment had for guests, leaving him dumbfounded.

He messed up...

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steamishot · 2 years ago

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eventful

life feels busy recently - last wednesday i hopped on a plane to SF. i was able to connect to the free wifi on jetblue and study/work on the plane. took a 1.5 hour BART ride by myself to meet G in pittsburg. G & D and doggie M live a very quiet life. G likes to operate with no music or sounds in the background. they also live in a very surburban area, where there isn’t much to do in their town. i was his sous chef haha. the stay there was completely peaceful and like a reset from the bustling NYC. by the second or third day, i got pretty bored and missed the city life. i always day dream about living in a quieter town when i am in NYC, but i don’t think i can actually stand being away from the city for too long.

i met up with G & S at the start of presidents day weekend. i first met up with S and we stopped by for gas and some groceries before heading out to pick up G. then we went to a brunch spot afterwards and met up with L momentarily. we checked out muir woods, checked into the airbnb, and got bbq for dinner. the next day was more eventful. we got to ride horses around a vineyard. i didn’t expect to be scared, but i was quite anxious getting on the horse and being on the horse (my first time ever). it was similar to the feeling i had when i was snowboarding for the first time. they said horses are able to feel the human’s energy, and to try and deep breathe so they also remain calm. we checked out castello di amorosa and had a very nice dinner afterwards.

that night, we were preparing to sleep early. G had got a last minute flight back to LA that departed at 7am. we were planning on heading out at 4am. matt called me that same night and asked me to stay on the phone with him in case he fainted. he was having extremely bad stomach pain, profusely sweating, and almost fainted on the way from the bed to the couch. i stayed on the line with him for about an hour until he seemed okay. i checked in with him at 4am PST and he was still feeling horrible. i called an uber to take him to the ER and subsequently bought a ticket back to NYC on our drive to the airport thinking it was very serious and he may have to be hospitalized. my flight to LA wasn’t until 1, so the timing worked out perfectly and i had bought a return flight to NYC for 8am.

got to SFO, G went to american airlines, and i headed towards delta. checked my bag in. then matt tells me maybe i don’t have to go and he’ll be fine to fly out to LA as planned the next day. so, i backtrack to hunt my checked bag in. cancel my flight (that was purchased via ecredits, so i got all the credit back), and hung out at the airport/lounge until my original flight.

the next day (tuesday), my east coast bestie S&I were visiting from NYC and wanted to hang out. i got to see them for a couple hours and show them around my neighborhood/let them meet my family and baby niece before they had to go to the airport. it was nice that our paths got to cross in LA!

tuesday night, i took a nap and headed out to LAX to pick up matt whose flight landed around midnight. we spent the night at my brother’s house. he was still in a lot of pain/scared of passing out, but did not want to let his parents know and have them worry. wednesday, we spent the day at my brothers. my parents came over and made chicken rice dinner. my bro, SIL and baby were flying out to cambodia that night for a 3 month long trip. matt’s condition was still worrying so i texted his dad to let him know that he might need to get checked out at a hospital again. they freaked out and called me immediately.

thursday, went to the DMV and got my licensed renewed - will be getting a real ID. the process took longer than i thought even though i had an appointment. took my parents out to eat american food using the app inkind $25 off $50 - using the hacks i learned in NYC here.

friday, went to get a physical at kaiser and my blood drawn. i hate blood draws but it was ok. i have elevated LDL. this, along with matt’s health scare, will hopefully force us to change our diets/lifestyle. he’s forced to eat healthier now, we’ve basically been having “cheat” meals everyday. i hope he can also cut out coffee because he has been relying on an insane amount to get by.

this week’s weather has been odd. raining all week minus sunday.

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fanglulim · 2 years ago

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Hi!

It’s been awhile. Reflecting 2022, its been great and tough.

Looking back, i worked for a toy company who did a name change > lost all my colleagues > new company with 4 employees > shut down > i worked part time to shut down, i became a part time cook to support myself > mentally and physically tired > quit the toxic relationship with the owner, learned that someone will take advantage of me even though I’m genuine, i seek mental help > went for 4 sessions, I’m studying MBA > changed my major from data analytics to IT, took a WebDev Bootcamp > graduated with a certificate > a web developer but not a professional one, i learned about myself more > have a smaller friend circle, i realize I’m lonely and that’s ok, i had a mental breakdown in Q1 & Q2 of 22 and i think I’m over it, i haven’t been home for 3 years and finally bought a ticket home for CNY 2023, i became a founder of Asianbakedgoods, i learned how to make a bunch of Malaysian food in Q1 > i don’t even want to cook now, i found out i ate a lot of instant noodle and fast food this year > 90% of 22?, i almost forget about my mom’s birthday > cried that no one wished her even though she was there for everyone, i went to a few concerts > EDC > 88 rising > saw some artist and have new experience.

Started hiking but failed to maintain, cut my 3 years long hair, first time buying merchandise from a YouTuber and an artist (Jackson’s W) > i know it was compulsive decision, found out that i don’t really have friends that i could talk to them about deep conversations, found out that I’m a servant leader which i did not aim to be, not really satisfied about myself but I’m still proud of myself > ??, had some relationship struggles, trying to quit vaping but failed a few times > aiming to stop completely at the end of 2022, met a few new friends which is great, thankful for my mom and family, thankful for my friends, learned be more appreciative, brother came to LA > hangout for 3 days (my car did not got tolled this time) > he slept over at my place > went sightsee at Joshua Tree, still kinda broke but surviving, turned 26 and still lost in life, learned to forgive and forget, still trying to improve myself but always procrastinate, started watching earth and space mysteries videos, have a supportive and loving boyfriend, lead a developer team > developed a website > project was cancelled > afraid of data leaked > switched to Shopify, at one point i realize I’m lonely but that’s adulthood, learned that i have to treat myself better.

I fucking got covid a month ago > realize my lungs is fucked up > paranoid for a few days, wrote a suicide note in Q1 of 2022 > was childish but at that moment i still couldn’t do it because i thought about my parents, my e-bike was stolen > found out at 3am > first time called 911 > went to the air tag location but couldn’t find my bike > babysit Shady > did a police report the next day > police tow the fucking Jeep > got my bike back > fixed my bike > still not working need maintenance, Working at gx but paid by nrya > worked a extra hours but not getting paid > felt like I’m mentally and physically draining > working with a leader that does not guide > figuring out everything myself > worked at marketing, operations, supply chain, finance, warehouse, outreach > this week finally working with a big toy manufacturer > still working on the deal > excited and afraid for my future, learned a lot from MBA at a managerial level, almost thinking to quit my job in Q4 to go back for good, worked with a friend on a hair brand photo shoot > learned to edit photos > didn’t get paid like i should but is fine because you found out that people can be selfish sometimes, went to Vegas for a bachelor and bachelorette party in Q3 > lost in gamble > went pool party and did not went into the pool because it was disgusting af and my skin allergy > got really drunk > had a great time, glad that i now I’m still feeling okay even though i think i been through a lot.

I dm-ed celebrity which is mind blowing LMAO, learned that life is not perfect and i need to work hard for myself, felted useless at some point in 22. started growing tomatoes in Q3 of 22 > failed to maintain, babysit a new cat “Pamola” for a few days, worked at a warehouse job for a few days for extra cash > leared about start-up structure not entirely but have an idea, appreciate my friends who think about me sometimes, found out that i would always put everyone else first > trying to love myself more?, grateful to have my boyfriend as my support system > teaching me new values, lost a family member who call me pong pong, stop meditating > i know i should, stop praying > i know i should, happy for my friends and their growth, still disappointed about myself > still procrastinate to improve, found out I couldn’t eat too much sugar > skin issues, bought ikon pass > did not went to any run, grow-ed some weed > round 1 was perfect > round 2 was a fail Q1-2 of 22, promised to improve my grade but still think I failed to push myself, finally got a couch in my living room, trying to be creative and get out of my comfort zone.

I realize i overthink and have stressful times but i learned that I’m just giving myself too much pressure and demand. I think that’s about it. Although the timeline is abit eff-ed up, had grammar errors, as long as i can remember it’s all good.

Overall i rate 2022, 65% satisfaction, i think see growth in myself, felt satisfied about my maturity, thankful to have friends and family that gives me positive energy. Although I’m afraid to grow up because everyone around me, especially my parents is getting old but I think that’s life right? The other 35% of dissatisfaction comes of procrastination and disappointment of myself. It’s okay not to be okay and perfect, learning that i have flaws and its alright.

After all, i think i did a lot and I should be proud of my self. I’m proud of you! 2022 is almost over, i can do better next year. Still cant believe I’m a founder of asianbakedgoods, thinking about strategies and leading a team. I know that I’m not a good communicator in speaking up about my feelings, thoughts, and goals. I’m still trying to learn about myself more. Not sure how life will be next year but i will try to balance my mental and physical health.

Lastly, to my future self, one day you will be looking back to this post, let me know how have you been and keep up with the reflection. Although life may be hard but you know you can get over it. Just be patient, when the time comes it will come. You’re awesome and you’re amazing. I hope by the time you read this, you’re a better version of yourself. Remember, life doesn’t goes that way you wanted but only you can navigate your life.

Adios!

Love, dangly. — 121622 10.12pm Tarzana, CA.

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nightwingsaregoths · 5 months ago

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One third of Pyrrhia High School (go winged lizards!) has digestive problems from scarfing down the school lunch in 10 minutes because of how long the line is. Teens vape in the bathrooms and pass around edibles at lunch. One student walks in high and spends the entire last period of class giggling to herself. Several students get around 5 hours of sleep a night or less and get around it through substituting sleep for caffeine, even though a teacher tells a story about a girl who went to the hospital because of kidney failure due to too many energy drinks and the school newspaper publishes an article to not drink energy drinks. The average student has never gone to a party but has heard of students doing terrible things in the bathrooms during homecoming. A midwinter dance got cancelled because nobody bought enough tickets. Prom is a very lame venture. Students still giggle their way through lockdown drills and two different students blast songs on their phones while hiding in a closet in almost complete darkness, if it weren't for said phones blasting said songs on YouTube, because apparently they just don't give a damn about everyone's safety or at least pretend to care to for 15 minutes. The freshmen coming in from the pandemic learned almost nothing in their middle school years online and don't even know what a Works Cited page is. The sophomores are collectively dying from the learning curve of being a true high schooler. The juniors cry in class around exam season and can never stop living in constant dread. The seniors spend half the school year having around 5 hours of sleep a night and the other half skipping.

every year I contemplate writing a Wings of Fire as Humans high school fanfiction and I never do because the details would be too offputting to whatever wattpad kid stumbles on it. Not in a sad, gruesome, or overly dramatic type of way, but telling a kid about high school is like when the adults constantly post on social media about how they have no money, don't feel like leaving the house, and hate their life. at some point you might make the kid be scared of growing up.

#oh American high school there is no one like you

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corinnebean · 4 years ago

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Part 2, Part 1 is here.

18 months ago, I moved across the country from Vancouver to Montreal. A lot of reasons for the move, medical, housing, schooling. I was looking forward to being able to travel with Julian again. The last time we tried to travel to the US, we had issue with Julian’s passport information and Julian’s presentation. Julian was 7, almost 8. It was awful as a parent to stand there and wonder if principles were more valuable than adventure. Asking a child about their genitals is never okay. With the change in government in the US and growing concerns about how people are treated at the borders, we decided to hold off on travelling to the US until policies changed. We still want a passport without a gender marker and have spoken with a prominent lawyer and a national party leader who agree. Moving to Montreal was me getting ready to travel to New York more often for shows with Julian.

Then COVID.

Julian didn’t get theatre in school this year; all productions are shuttered everywhere; we are stuck with YouTube or D+ (HINT, we know you recorded the shows!). Julian regularly researches musicals (this year Heathers and Beetlejuice were the ones classmates got Julian into). I pulled out Come From Away and one of us tossed Hadestown in last month.

Obviously, neither of us are Broadway stans.

I recognized Wait for Me from the Tonys, but musicals are just kind of the ambient sound of our house. To sit and listen from start to end, I will do it while I am working on a large project. By the time I got to listen to the story, I was already familiar with the music.

It was like Orpheus finding out Eurydice was six feet under—you’re telling me I missed out on this? I’ve definitely taken the long way around. I’m testing the limits of streaming services before they email me asking me if I am okay for listening to something too much. I may have met with some underground types to see bootlegs of stage productions in London and Broadway. I definitely bought the vinyl. And the book is arriving tomorrow.

Hadestown is my Hedwig.

I’m Eurydice, runaway from everywhere to cities any way when the wind blows. My hunger (for protection) made me turn on my heart and Flowers hits hard. I feel like Eurydice forgetting everything in my depression in making the hard choices.

I do go to the ends for what I love. When I love something, all my heart is an understatement. My child reaps the benefits the most, but those who have felt my love, my full love, know what it looks like. I see the world as it could be. To see some of my Autistic traits in Orpheus and how he loves. I am Orpheus. Some days I turn back, some days I keep going. Orpheus sacrificed how he saw the world to Hades and Eurydice; to the workers; to the earth. I try to get out without turning around, but some days trusting the universe is harder than others.

I am Hades. We have rules for a reason! And I will absolutely use them creatively to keep the upper hand. It’s not a point of pride, but it is who I am.

Hermes sees the story. Sees how it will turn out. I will still let it play out. I will still let you do what you’re going to do. You get my support, even if it means I know it will hurt. Hermes is me and how I parent. I will tell the stories when they are unfolded.

Pulled apart Persephone, her joy away from her family is because she remembers the love as it was. If it’s not the fulfilling, it’s not worth being present; doesn’t mean she’s abandoned Hades, just that she needs more away from him.

The Fates have done a lot to mess with my life, can’t say I relate to their meddling but I relate to their repercussions. Sometimes we can do everything right, but the winds will shift on you.

Like the Carnations of the show, the song is helping me. I know the original myth, Orpheus does not fare well after turning around. I know Eurydice is gone. Hadestown says now we know, let’s do it again. Maybe this time it will turn out.

I am fierce to learn my lessons when I get burned. I have been left knowing how the world is, but the character I see myself most in falls in love in spite of herself. And she allows herself to trust Orpheus again to provide her needs. I am trying to open up again. I obviously needed this story.

2014 was the year of dark.

2015 was the year of letting go.

2016 was the year of healing.

2017 was the year of yes.

2018 was the year of gratitude.

2019 was the year of me.

2020 was the year of what the fuck is happening?!

2021 is the year of not turning around.

#hadestown #this is part 2 #Anaïs Mitchell #Broadway version in particular #personal #yes the first thing we are doing when the pandemic clears is going to Broadway. I have already picked shows #and almost bought tickets even though they will be cancelled

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dreamescapeswriting · 3 years ago

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Lockdown ~ JJK [Request]

WORD COUNT: 2.1K

PAIRING: Jungkook x Fem!Reader

GENRE: Fluffy, mentions of lockdown, beginning of lockdown and panicking about finding somewhere to stay, cute relationship, established relationship

Thunder clapped outside of the window making your heart skip a beat as you looked out at the rain. It had been non-stop raining since the moment you'd woken up that morning, usually, the rain would make you calm but not today. Today of all days it felt glum and down just as you did on the inside. All week long you had been on the phone with different airport staff, doing your best to find a plane ticket home but there was nothing. All flights had been booked and any after this week was cancelled completely.

Biting your lip you stared out at the view from your hotel room window. Different buildings had their lights on and on the dark cloudy day, it made it resemble a stary night. Any other time you would have enjoyed sitting in the window seat, listening to the rain and relaxing but not right now. Right now you were being told about planes being cancelled and how sorry the staff were that you were stuck in Seoul.

"No...No, I understand. Thank you again," Your voice came out a little hoarse as you did your best not to cry over the phone. Why should you cry to some airport worker who couldn't help but tell you no? It was impossible at this point to get any kind of way home and you were beginning to grow more and more worried as the days went by.

Despite all of your efforts in trying to get a plane home, no one was willowing to run planes anymore. A new lockdown had been introduced, no one was allowed to travel in or out of the country which meant you were trapped. This may have been a dream to some people and it would be to you but you had nowhere to go, nowhere to turn to. It was safe to say that you were running out of time and needed a way home. It wasn't going to be long until the hotel that you were staying in kicked you out. They'd already generously given you a week to find somewhere to stay and so many other people had been escorted out of the building. Even foreigners who had been staying long before the lockdown, the hotel just wanted to do a deep clean and it was impossible with guests staying inside.

Sighing to yourself you threw your phone down onto the window seat, laying your head onto the cold window and looking out at the city. Normally you would find a sense of peace in the view but not today. Not when you knew your time was limited and if you weren't careful you would end up in the streets. During the middle of winter when the nights were freezing cold and it rained almost all of the time.

Lockdown laws had been put into place, planes were being stopped from going anywhere and it wasn't as though you had a private jet to take you places. Though even if you had, you weren't sure you would want to leave if you had the choice to stay.

"Hey," The door opened and you turned my head. There he was, the love of your life. Standing there with a giant smile on his face as if none of this seemed to be bothering him.

"Jungkook," You breathed out, not realising until that exact moment how much more relaxed you were to have him around. How much better you felt whenever he was close to you.

"I bought some food and some more clothes, Yoongi said to bring your laundry back with me so I can get you it back to you." He placed down a box of cookies onto the desk followed by a bag of sandwiches he'd no doubt made back at the dorms. All week long he had been back and forth from the dorms to your hotel room, spending as much time with you as he could. After all, he'd been with you before the lockdown was announced so there was no harm in being around one another.

"Hobi also mentioned you coming for dinner tonight. He doesn't want you eating take out all the time." He popped half of a cookie into his mouth, going over to the bathroom and turning on the faucets. The gesture seemed perfect but it only made you feel guilty, knowing all of the things the boys were doing for you and yet you could do nothing to help back.

"How'd did the flight hunting go?" Jungkook questioned as he washed his hands from the bathroom. Your head went back to resting on the window debating whether or not to tell him the truth. Jungkook could sense from the silence that it wasn't good news on your part, not that he cared much about that.

The thought of keeping you here with him wasn't something he was upset about. Jungkook had debated asking you to move to Seoul with him anyway...Or at least stay longer than you had been. It seemed as though lockdown had come at a good time for you both, not that he was ever going to admit that out loud. No one knew how long lockdowns were going to last and he never knew if he would see you again for a while. Having you stay with him meant he could keep you around longer, even if it was a little selfish of him to hope you couldn't get a ride home.

"That bad huh?" He chuckled softly getting onto the window seat behind you and holding you. His strong arms wrapping around your shoulders and bringing you into his torso. The beat of his heart could be felt against your back as he pressed you as close to his body as he could get you. A large sigh left your throat as you relaxed against his chest, breathing in his scent as you did your best not to cry. The tears were already in your eyes and your throat had that familiar lump it got whenever you were about to burst into tears.

"I can't get home...I have nowhere to go and they're going to throw me out," Holding back the tears was useless. The moment that you began to speak tears gushed down your face and you directed your head to hide into Jungkook's chest. Your hands began to bunch up into his shirt as you pulled him tightly towards you. Everything that had been worrying you finally crashing into your brain all at once. The worry that your job would no longer be there for you when you eventually got home, the thought of being out on the streets if you couldn't find somewhere to take you in. All of the hospices that were taking travellers from other countries were filled up.

You were going to end up alone in a city that you barely knew but as your mind continued to race Jungkook squeezed you. Running his large hands up and down your back as he attempted to soothe you as if he knew what was going on side of your pretty little head. The last thing Jungkook wanted was for you to be this upset over everything going on, he was doing everything in his power to make you happy.

"You know..." He cleared his throat and looked down at you. Heart racing as he looked down at your glossed over eyes, it had been turning over in his head since the moment he woke up that morning. Even the rest of the guys were telling him to just ask you, it was now or never. Slowly his hand began to reach up to touch your cheek softly and wipe away some of the tears. There was going to be no harm in asking you to go and stay with him and the boys, the two of you loved each other. You'd spoken about moving in together before but it was always spoken about as if it was far into the future.

"You know you're always welcome to stay with us..." You stared back at him, heart beating swiftly at the thought of living, even temporally, with the boys. You'd met them over a million times but that was only for a couple of hours, it wasn't as if you'd spent every waking moment with them.

"Jungkook-" You tried to speak but he cut you off, not wanting you to think that he was joking.

"No...I'm serious. We have room, we've been around each other the whole time...The boys love you," It wasn't as though you hadn't thought about it before. The idea of staying with Jungkook just until you could get a flight home would be incredible. Not only would it take away a lot of your worries but you would get to spend more time with your boyfriend. More time than had originally been thought and you wouldn't have to leave on rushed terms. But living with him and the boys? Would they get sick of you being around so much? What if someone saw you leaving the dorms or even going there? It was all a big what-if game and the consequences would be massive.

"What if someone sees me? What if a fan catches me?" Jungkook shook his head at you, the thought had passed his mind too. There was no way he was going to let you do this, not when you staying with him would have made him the happiest person in the world. Everything had a what-if in life and he would be dammed if he was going to let you miss this chance because of him and his lifestyle.

"No one will see you...Even if they did there are easy ways to explain it." His soft hand brushed along your cheek again, wiping away the remaining tears that were rolling down your cheeks. Seeing you so worked up about this broke his heart and if he could fix it he was going to do everything in his power to. Living with him would be a dream come true for you. Being around the man that you love 24/7...Having him around whenever you wanted to cuddle? Not to mention spending all of the time you could possibly have together.

"But the boys-" Again Jungkook wasn't going to let you talk yourself out of it. The boys loved you.

"What about them? They already love you Y/n." He breathed out as he looked at you with pleading eyes, resting his head on the wall behind him as you sat in silence for a couple of seconds. Listening to the rain hitting the glass windows outside as you thought about it.

Thought about what you would do at the dorms, it would be nice not to be stuck in a hotel room bored all day long. If you were at the dorms you could help with anything they needed...Play video games with Jungkook and do just about anything if you really wanted to. Not to mention it would be nice not to live of off take out food and vending machine snacks that you could find,

"You have obligations to do," You whispered slowly, still a little uneasy with the fact that he would have you around while he was busy. The last thing you wanted was to be in anybody's way while they were trying to get some work done.

"I can still work with you there, you're a distraction baby but I can handle it." He let out a throaty laugh at the thought of it and you could feel your body heating up, the excitement of being with Jungkook more than you thought you could. The panic finally leaving your system as you found somewhere that you were welcome.

"Sure." You exhaled, looking at Jungkook as he stared back at you, wide eyes as he tried to figure out if you were being serious or maybe he was hearing things.

"What?" He questioned, trying not to bubble up with too much excitement.

"Yes...Yes, I'll stay with you." You laughed when all of a sudden he got up, pulling you into his arms tightly and cheering. Jumping up and down on the spot as he tried to express how happy he was.

"Great! I'll-I'll call the guys and our managers...We'll need to do some tests and stuff but this is going to be great!" Jungkook began to go off on everything that we could do together and you could see the excitement across his face. Everything was going to be perfect and he couldn't wait to spend the rest of his time with you.

It was one of the best decisions you and Jungkook had made together. By the time lockdown was ending the two of you were already looking for an apartment together and you were in the midst of applying for a visa, hunting for jobs. The two of you were planning your lives together and couldn't wait to get started on everything you had with one another.

Tagline: @lyoongx @mitzwinchester @rjsmochii @sw33tnight @taestannie @sweeneyblue1 @jin-from-the-block @acciocriativity @mwitsmejk @taeechwitaa @justbangtanthingz @stillwithlix @misa0000

#bts #bts x reader #bts imagine #bts imagines #bts x you #bts x y/n #jeon jungkook #jungkook #jungkook x reader #jungkook imagine #jungkook imagines #jeon jungkook imagine #jeon jungkook imagines #jeon jungkook x reader

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heartsoftruth · 2 years ago

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Finally have the time to write a little something about MY experience at the Dutch GP.

Let me start off by saying it’s already the best weekend of 2022. No doubt. Nothing will top these days I’ve had. I’ve seen everyone I’ve wanted. I’ve got an autograph of everyone I’ve wanted and it truly has been a more than amazing experience. YES EVERYONE. And NO I won’t elaborate much more on that. But it was amazing.

Last year my tickets were cancelled because of Covid (I bought a solo one for the Friday tho), so they were valid for this year. However a bit before the race my friend found out she bought tickets for SAT/SUN and since I didn’t want to miss the Friday I bought them for my own. Then I found out there were tickets for a pit walk on Thursday so I also bought that to go alone.

Wednesday - I found out the 2 Ferrari-boys were at a certain location so I went by. Though I didn’t get a selfie/autograph with them then, I did met people who I eventually hung out with the entire weekend. After the Ferrari-boys left we went to the circuit and met even more people who I hung out with/stayed in touch with the entire weekend. Of course it was of all ages - very young and VERY active kids in search for autographs - but also older ones. And no one gave a damn about Max vs Lewis bs. Everyone just supported and respected whoever you supported. Like it should. We end up seeing a few drivers already!

Thursday (Pitwalk day) - In the days before the pit walk I saw that team LH Holland would meet up and since I didn’t have anyone to go with I thought that’s a good idea for me. After Wednesday I could have gone with those new friends, but I thought it was very fun to meet all these Lewis fans. And if I didn’t enjoy I could always say bye and bounce.

Short story - because it’s already loooong and I’m only at Thursday - it was a fun day. We met up with his photographer who took 32r78483 videos and photos of us and also asked how late we would walk by. In the end we could have seen Lewis then - because he told us a few minutes before out time slot was ‘Lewis will be there in 5/10min - but out time was delayed… We were so bumped out because we missed him by so little and the marshalls at the track were kinda… Merp to us. The owner of the fan-account got a shirt of Lewis’s new merch though with his autograph at the end of the photographer so that was SO special. And SO sweet. It truly shows how much he cared even if he couldn’t come and meet us anymore.

At the end of it I waited for the drivers to leave and saw Daniel (coming out of his car) and Carlos/Charles leave but it was really chaotic. The organization put fences on as the drivers were leaving since everyone was pushing to the front to see them. With the fences on it was a bit saver and better organized (tho again why didn’t they do that immediately?), but that was the night Lewis chose to lay down on the back of his car. I was already confused why Angela and his bodyguard were there without him but then we all went ooo he was in the back. Looking back at how bad it was for Daniel and the Ferrari boys I don’t know if I should laugh or if it’s something he did out of fear. While I left the circuit I immediately saw a few of the friends I made the day before and chilled some with them. Carlos/Daniel leaving here.

FRIDAY - Friday started of REALLY early since one of the friends I made wanted to see a F2 driver and they start very early. So YUP. There I was. Didn’t even see Arthuro (who I wanted to see) since my first selfie with him was ugly AF haha. I waited for a long while outside of the fence, then went inside to wait a little more by myself for Lewis (in the end someone I met the day before stood by me hahah), but he was so late. Sir came in at 11:27 and FP1 started an hour later dfgdfjgsfdhj.

[Lewis during FP1 and me in a sea of Orange Army haha]

Walked to my seat and immediately another lady with a Mercedes hat - in my row - greeted me so nicely I almost thought she was in the Team LH group of the day before hahah. But she was just happy to see a fellow LH fan. I did have a good time between the Orange Army. No weird remarks blabla. They did went a bit quiet after Max engine problems in FP1 though…

During the break of FP1 to FP2 one of my new friends texted me and said he wanted to fulfill our plan: sneak into the paddock. He was successful last year (seen the vids) but when I saw what I had to do I said: no mannnn. I would like to not break my ankles haha. So we ate and chilled and then I went back to my own seat. As FP2 was coming to an end I checked my WhatsApp messages and saw one of my new friends texted me with a pic asking if I was ok. THATS WHEN I SAW LEWIS POSTED US ON HIS INSTAAAAA. I truly died. I was in shock. Disbelieve and in the meantime saw him leave the pit (I had seats for the main straight on FRI). Tears were slowly falling down on my cheek and I didn’t even know why, but just the fact that he noticed me/us a little. And knows he’s supported here was amazing. Just the fact that he looked at that pic and uploaded is *tears*.After FP2 I met up again with that friend since he had a great idea to meet the drivers.

Then the only real example of hate we/he got because of our Mercedes outfit (besides little but none were as big as this). In Holland we love to curse with cancer (I don’t. I think its as trashy as can be), but a lot of people do. My new friend was walking behind me and all of a sudden I hear a guy being not so nice to him. So he walks before me and the he tells him: “Cancer gay. With you cancer Mercedes shirt.” AND I SAW RED. No No I thought. ! So I told him to STFU idiot! And some more. He ignored, but 100% heard me I have a very loud voice. Some other guys also started talking to us (and I just hoped they didn’t went with them because it would have been too crowded, but I was too pissed too care xD).

Then that curse guy hugged him (me going ???). Let him go and went all tough guy again: “Everyone here is supporting Max right? What kind of a Dutch person are you, huh?” *me sees red again*: STFU, STFU and continue to walk please, idiot. You’re not even wearing fucking Merch so what are you even talking about supporting Max?” Then he asked me who I was supporting then and I told him to get his eyes checked and he fucked off.

Little sidetone because I know a lot will think this: But the guy wasn’t white at all.

We quickly forgot about this though and continued our night and it was one of the best nights of my life.

SATURDAY - The first day I actually went with the friends who I booked the tickets with haha. I did went inside alone because I all of a sudden thought they had drivers Q&A’s in the fanzone. I end up meeting a few friends while waiting there but in the end the Q&A was only on the MainStage and not even heard on the track… So the video of Lewis speaking Dutch we had to see via Twitter WHILE STANDING INSIDE THE TRACK. Bs…

My friends eventually arrived a bit before FP3 and that was also a fun day. Got some compliments and one im still not sure of but I’ve posted about it here.

The night was something out of an action movie scene but yeah… That’s also not for main hahaha

SUNDAY - Started of early. Got to meet who I still wanted to meet. Went to the track, saw lewis pass by during the parade. A lot of Super Max being played - have to say the song is a catchy jam hahah - and then the race happened. As I’ve said on here several times after Hunagry I really thought a win was possible here, but Mercedes had to FUCK IT UP. I was so pissed at the end, but clearly the Orange Army wasnt. Truly pissed off.

Those guys of yesterday did speak to me a few times during the race saying how good lewis is doing, ‘no win please but podium!’ (All in English again). I yelled so loud when he overtook Checo and they had to laugh hahaha. The atmosphere was great. No hate.

[Lewis driving past me P1 🔥]

Only after the race we went after the podium etc. We all left immediately and I wanted to go quickly because I knew how much alcohol was consumed. At one point in the fanzone - we had to cross it - one person said: *holds hand up* Hamilton. You have to wait.”

So I also told him to STFU and walked passed him.

So that’s a few minor things (the first one being the biggest) happened, but that’s not even the memory I will have of this GP weekend. Truly best weekend of 2022

Of course I heard many stories from the other people when they met drivers or just whatever happened during the weekend. But if I write that down it’s gonna be WAAAAY too long. And it already is hahah. It was just great!

#f1 #personal

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skiyoosmi · 4 years ago

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if fate permits

chapter twenty two: i love you

previous < masterpost > next

note. i am sorry for the veeeery long wait; i finally finished it tonight (after fucking up with it for two whole months) but yeah, my emotions are quite unstable right now so this was affected by it (in short, this is a roller coaster ride so pls be ready)

playlist. stay (acoustic ver.); never let me go (both sung by ghostly kisses)

You absolutely had no idea what you were doing right now. As far as you could remember, you were the playwright, the writer of the script. You never had any interest in acting in plays, musicals, nor acting in general… none at all – so why is it that right now, you were standing right on the side of the stage, waiting for the cue for you to come out, dressed up as someone you weren’t supposed to be, someone you were only supposed to have written for?

You swear, this was the most chaotic crowd you have ever seen your whole life. You only watched, alongside Hajime, as people lined up right by the entrance of the university’s theater, murmuring and gossiping about the play that was less than an hour away from starting, “I gotta say, they look way too excited for a story that they should know like the back of their hands by now. It’s kind of funny,” Hajime chuckled, letting out a quiet ‘yeah’ as he shoved his hands in his pockets, watching you cringe on the girls that were obviously here for your best friend. You swore you heard one of them say they’re going to ask him out after the play and you almost wanted to drag her out of the venue by her hair.

“I would say it would be a waste of a ticket for people who are here just to gush about handsome faces instead of the story itself but then again, it’s us who are benefiting from it anyway.” You huffed and muttered a few more things under your breath, beginning to walk to the direction of the entrance for the crew members which was on the farther side of the theater, Hajime silently following and shaking his head out of amusement for your obvious jealousy. I can’t wait for the time when it’s me you’re being jealous for, he thinks.

You thought the crowd outside was chaotic? Nothing could have prepared you for the view you were welcomed to as soon as you entered the backstage. Literally, almost all of the crew members were running around frantically, pushing the small and large props here and there. Hajime, as if he had his ‘danger’ instincts set on, grabbed you by the waist and pulled you to his side just right when a random lad passed by where you were at a while ago, struggling to carry what looked like a heavy log on his shoulder (you figured it would be for one of the scenes that were supposed to be in the forest). You were sure as hell that if you weren’t moved out of the way by your friend, the lad would’ve collided with you and that thing he was holding would’ve fell on you because he was too busy looking back and chatting with his companion who was carrying other props.

Irritated by their carelessness, Hajime clicked his tongue and spoke up, “Oi, you two have to be careful and watch where you’re going. You might just cause an accident with what you’re doing.” The boys replied with an insincere apology, immediately going back to their business. You were soon brought to your senses as well and realized that you were still in his arms. Blushing profusely, you muttered a quiet ‘thanks,’ too flustered to think of a more decent reply. Hajime raised an eyebrow, smirking before leaning his head close to yours again, foreheads touching each other, much like the other day.

“You’re red. Are you feeling sick?” If it was someone he wasn’t close with, it would look like he’s just being concerned but you know better because you can practically hear the teasing behind his voice, so, you punched him right by his shoulders, muttering with a hint of shyness in your tone, “Asshole. Stop trying to tease me, it’s way too much for me. When the fuck did you even get so brave to act like this with me? Jerk.”

He cackled, slinging his arm around your shoulder, and beginning to pull you deeper inside the backstage. You both stood idly by the corner of the backstage, watching the actors get ready. From your position, you could see your blonde best friend, eyes looking lost as they wandered around the area until it stopped right to where you were. You think you held a staring contest for about twenty seconds until your companion spoke up, “You know, I personally think it would be better if you go to him and say your good luck, yeah? Nothing’s going to happen if you just stare at each other all day. I’m willing to share you with him… just for today though. After this, no more.”

A confused expression formed on your face, wondering what he meant, though he just snickered and ruffled your head, “I said… go to him before I change my mind and pull you away from here.”

“I can’t. These days, I’ve been feeling way too many feelings and I don’t know how to control them. I feel like… I might just burst and tell him everything but I don’t want to. I’m not ready yet,” you admitted, fiddling with your fingers as you looked down, only for your head to be raised up again as Hajime held it up using your chin, a tender smile plastered on his face.

“Tell you what… if you lose control and everything goes astray, just look at me and I’ll save you, like a knight-in-shining-armor,” he whispers, patting you on the head before pushing you towards your best friend who was still looking, by the way. You took a deep breath, stopping right in front of him, biting your lip before opening your mouth to say something but Atsumu beat you to it, arms immediately going around your form and pulling you into a bone-crushing hug, “I’m sorry,” He mumbles into your hair, while you nod, reciprocating the gesture, “I… I’ve been such a shitty best friend, huh?”

“Yeah, right,” You huffed, trying to look mad and intimidating but it only came off as cute in Atsumu’s vocabulary, “After this, I’ll treat you to this really good restaurant. We can talk about anything and everything you want to tell me, even if they’re bad, I’ll listen, yeah?” He suggested, his hold on you still not loosening as he looked down on you, “I’d prefer it if only good things come out of your pretty mouth though.”

You rolled your eyes, getting ready to retort as usual but a loud crash and a cry of pain interrupted you. Looking to the source of the sound, your eyes, as well as Atsumu’s widened. You can only watch as Yui, who was on the floor, clutching her ankles, angrily screech at the boy who was bowing his head and apologizing, the large piece of wood you luckily avoided a while ago found its victim and it’s the main actress of the play, “What the fuck! Why weren’t you watching where you’re going?! Look at what you did!”

Your best friend jogged towards her and once again, you were left behind. Love seriously sucks, you thought as you watch him try to shush Yui’s cries. The director, who heard about the situation, ran to where you are, asking what happened. “I think her ankles are injured, Miyu-chan,” you quickly replied, anxiety beginning to arise within you because what was supposed to happen now? You can’t cancel this play; you all have been working for months for this! Besides, the theater must be full of the audience now. As if she was reading your mind, she spoke up, “We can’t cancel this now, but we can’t force her to act as well. She can barely stand up, look. Mina, tell Mari to ask the audience to wait for a little while more, we have to think of a solution.”

By now, Atsumu was supporting her, making their way towards you with Yui limping, “Miyu-san…” “No, Yui. I know what you’re going to say but I won’t let you do that. Go to the infirmary and have your ankles checked. Your well-being is more important than this play,” the director firmly said, much to the brown-haired girl’s dismay.

“But you can’t cancel it! The people who bought the tickets will get mad! I can do this, it barely hurts, Miyu-san!” Yui pleaded, even going as far lifting her injured foot in a pathetic attempt to show that she was fine but it only put her to a worse situation as soon as she winced. Miyu only gave her a look of ‘I told you so.’

“Don’t worry about the play, Yui-chan. YN can replace you in your role.”

“What?!” “WHAT?” You simultaneously yelled out, obviously not expecting the sudden decision to be made, much less one that has something to do with you, “Wait, wait, wait… Miyu-chan, aren’t you being a little rash right now? I’m not a good actress!”

“She’s right!” Yui scoffed, “I’ve been practicing this for so long and you’re going to replace me with someone who never did?!”

“That’s right,” Miyu nodded, crossing her arms, “She knows the script and the lines better than anyone here. And don’t try to fool me, YN, you know you can act.” Her unrelenting eyes told you that she knew everything there was to know; she’s been your friend for more than a year now, after all.

“Oh, well. You won’t change my mind no matter what you say, so just go, Yui. Iwaizumi-kun, sorry for this sudden request but can you take Yui to the infirmary after what we’re going to do?” Hajime blinked but nodded, nonetheless. He feels somewhat sorry for the brunette who was on the verge of tears as she was helped by the crew members into one of the changing rooms to undress her costume.

It’s definitely not the first time in your life but you felt like vomiting the breakfast you had this morning.

You already lost count of how many times you took a deep breath in hopes that your heart will calm down. You listened as Mari neared the end of her welcoming rites and speech for the play, placing your hands on your chest as a final attempt to get tranquility within. The fairytale-like background music began to play and soon, a younger version of your character appeared on the stage; it’s the beginning of your Cinderella play. To be honest, you don’t even know where they got that child actress and how they managed to convince her to join the play but right now, you couldn’t care less because all you’re thinking of right now is how to not mess up your lines and deliver them with the proper emotions.

Your brother, Osamu, Tooru, Makki and Mattsun, who you were sure as hell were in the audience, will never let you hear the end of it if you mess this up. You don’t want to live the rest of your days in Japan being a laughingstock. No way, you refu–

“You’re thinking too much about it. Calm down,” A voice from behind you interrupted, hands beginning to massage your shoulders to get your stiff muscles to relax. Turning around, you were met with the one and only Miya Atsumu in a prince costume. Right there and then, you felt like your heart’s going to burst for a different reason this time.

Goodness heavens, Lord Jesus, thank you for blessing me with this beautiful man and letting me meet him, you thought as you savored the view in front of you, also thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Miya for successfully creating Atsumu and delivering him to the Earth, it must have difficult to produce such fine masterpiece.

“Ya look… beautiful,” the blonde mutters, a hand rubbing his nape and sheepishly grinning, a slight blush adorning his cheeks, “Ya should dress up yourself from time to time, yanno? It really suits you.”

“Gee, thanks for calling me ugly on my normal days,” you scoffed, giggling when he let out a sound of disagreement, “No! That’s not what I meant, idiot!”

“I know.”

Before you can continue your conversation, the signal for you to come out is finally closing in as the “stepsisters” appeared onstage. Rather shakily, you took a step forward, almost tripping on your dress due to your nerves. You were fortunate that Atsumu was attentive enough to grab your wrist, “YN, I told you to calm down.”

You gulped, nodding and taking a deep breath. He smiled upon seeing the determined look on your face and for some reason, his body moved on its own - placing a hand on your cheek with his thumb rubbing it, he approached you and placed his lips on your forehead. Maybe it’s because you were so nervous or maybe it’s because you longed for this moment for almost your whole life. Whatever the reason is, you just find yourself tearing up a little bit as he whispers, “That’s my girl.”

Never in your life had you wished that time can stop this much before. As you stood still in Atsumu’s embrace, you felt your heart being squeezed with so much love yet pain at the same time. How is it that he’s so close yet he’s someone you can’t have?

“I love you, Atsumu,” you tell him, eyes still watery; heart hoping that it reaches him, that he picks up the meaning behind your words. But he doesn’t, as he stops to look at you, he squints his eyes in a joking manner as he speaks, “Hey, why do you look so emotional today?”

Disappointment grows in the depths of your whole being, though you don’t show him that. Because perhaps this was enough, you can try again another day. You’ll try and try until he finally understands. You can do that… you’ve been holding on pretty well the past fifteen years, so you huff instead, ignoring the painful thump of your heart, “Nothing, you jerk! Is it really that weird to hear me say I love you to you, hah?!”

You hear the dialogue of one of the stepsisters, calling out as your cue. You start to trudge forward but before you could fully go, he replies, “I love you too, YN, always remember that although I’m so shitty sometimes.”

Yeah, this is enough for now.

Perhaps, you shouldn’t have been so confident in saying that; you should’ve just been straight to the point because nothing has ever compared to the agony engulfing your insides as Miya Atsumu sat in front of you in a random booth of a restaurant, speaking the words you’ve always dreaded to hear as a Moira and as his very own soulmate, “YN, I think I’m done waiting for my soulmate. Can’t you just cut my thread off please?”

#haikyuu x reader #haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu smau #atsumu x reader #iwaizumi x reader #atsumu headcanons #iwaizumi headcanons #atsumu smau #iwaizumi smau #haikyuu drabbles #haikyuu angst #haikyuu texts

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be-ready-when-i-say-go · 4 years ago

Text

Christmas at the Hoods

You escape your family by going home with Calum to Australia for the holiday. And the escape is necessary, but at the end of it, you’re reminded that sometimes family is chosen rather than given.

Reader Insert. Fluff a little bit of angst. You just a perfect amount of tear your heart out but then put it back like nothing ever happened.

CW: Death of a parent, strained family relationships.

Enjoy my masterlist.

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__________________________________________

You stare down at the text from your mother. Are u coming home for Christmas? The truth is--no, you don’t want to come home. Home is too stiff, reminds you just how much you don’t fit. And maybe it’s just you, you thinking that you won’t ever live up to their expectations of what your life should be like, and maybe it’s not fair to them. But given all that, you still don’t want to subject yourself to that awful feeling, the squirming in your spot wondering how long is appropriate for you to stay before you dip the family pretend bonding.

You don’t want to go home. But you don’t have an excuse not to go. You sigh and place your phone face down on the counter. Ice clinks around in the glass that Calum sets down in front of you. Over the speakers faintly, you hear the twang and kick of guitar as Carla Thomas sings her conversation with an imagined other. At Christmas time, Calum gave you control over the speakers whenever you come over. He liked the Christmas music you had saved and even if he didn’t always get full on decorations the music helped the holiday feel a bit more real for the time you were over at least.

“What’s wrong?” he asks. “That had to be the heaviest sigh I’ve ever heard.”

“My mom,” you reply, unlocking your phone and showing him the text. “I can’t exactly say, ‘No, I don’t have any plans. But I don’t feel like pretending to care so I won’t be coming home.’ Wouldn’t go over nicely.”

Calum stares down at the text. The exchange previous to this was a Happy Thanksgiving text that you replied to and prior to that it seems like the conversation was just your mother updating you about the changes she was making to the home office. To which you only replied with ‘Pretty!’ but nothing more. He always suspected you and your family weren’t that close. You talked pretty highly of your dad, but he passed away a couple years ago. And you and your mother just didn’t click. Any sort of sustained interaction always seemed to go south. He just hadn’t had a clue just how sort you kept your conversations with your mother.

He had plans to go home to Australia. His sister was flying in too, the first time he wouldn’t have to split his Christmas vacation time between London and Sydney. Calum knew for sure that Luke was going home to Australia too. He wasn’t sure about Michael, though if previous years proved to be any sort of pattern, Michael would be spending Christmas with his partner’s family. Ashton seemed to be tentatively planning spending New Years in Australia at the very least. Sure you had other friends but given the holiday, he suspected that they might be traveling home or spending time with their families.

“Come with me to Australia,” he offers.

“You leave in a week, tops? The cost of that ticket on it’s own is going to be fucking awful.” You take your phone as it’s handed back over, but you only focus in on him. There was no way he was serious about an offer like that. There was no way he was getting a roundtrip ticket for you under three grand. Tickets for that kind of travel months in advance were easily a grand or more. So there was no way Calum could guarantee a ticket for you round trip in a week for a reasonable price.

“I always told you I was going to take you home with me one of these days,” he counters. “Show you those Sydney streets I grew up on.”

You laugh at the way he bobs with his fists in front of his face like a boxer in the middle of the ring. “Yeah, when we could both plan it out and I could at least pay for my own airfare. I can’t Cal. I appreciate it and you. But that’s too soon and I can’t have you dropping money like that on me such short notice.” You take the glass from the counter and spin around in the barstool before traveling to the couch.

Calum drops his arms and follows behind. He’s not worried about money. That’s nothing. “I can’t leave you alone for the holidays. I know going home would just be rough right now. I’d-I’d come with you if you wanted.”

“Oh my god, Calum, no. Go home. You haven’t seen your mom and dad in ages. I’ll be okay.”

“If I cancel I can still get a voucher for another time,” he offers and settles onto the ottoman in front of you.

“Go home. See your parents. Give them a hug. Fucking hell, I’m not worth canceling a trip over. I’ll suffer through this Christmas like I have every other Christmas.”

With a tap to your knee, Calum shakes his head. “My friend absolutely cannot spend Christmas miserable. I won’t have it.”

You shake your head. It’s not like you haven’t had to spend every other CHristmas miserable--what’s one more to the list? Calum looks to the coffee table and spies his phone. He stretches out for it. This would be embarrassing to admit. He wasn’t going to do it like this. In all actuality, he had meant to ask you last week. But you had to out of town for a conference. He hadn’t realized the conference was this late in the year but it was one that you had been trying to get into for years, so when you landed the opportunity, Calum knew you’d take it in a heartbeat.

You take hold of the phone as it’s handed to you. “What’s this?” You ask but Calum remains silent and you glance down to the phone to see it opened to an app. “Why am I staring at trip information?”

“It’s because I bought two round trip tickets,” he returns.

“What do you mean you bought two tickets?”

“One of those is for you. If you want to go.”

You drop his phone into your lap and push to the edge of the seat. “When the hell did you buy these tickets?”

“A couple months ago. I knew the holidays were always a little rough for you.” He shrugs. “At least you won’t have to lie to your mum now.”

“Calum you are the most insane person I’ve ever met and I’ve lived with myself for a while now. When the fuck were you going to tell me?”

“I had plans to last week. But I remembered you were going out of town for that conference and I wanted you to focus on that since you had to present and be on a panel too.”

“How fucking early do I need to wake up?” you asks.

“I-I figured you come over the day before, sleep over and then I’d drive us to the airport.”

“It’s summer in Australia right now, correct?” He nods at your question. “Beaches?”

“If you wanna go, sure.”

“Do I get to say that I’m being kidnapped for Christmas?”

“If you really want to phrase it like that.”

“I’m in,” you agree and Calum smiles, wrapping his arms around you as you fall into him in a hug. “Thanks, Cal.”

“Of course,” he returns softly. He’d do anything for you, or just about anything if he’s honest. You matter to him and even if he does have to kidnap you for the holidays, he’s happy to do it if it means you won’t be miserable.

A couple hours go by and you head home, now having to start packing for the holiday trip with Calum. As you sit on the floor in front of your suitcase, you pick up your phone. You aim to go the weather app and see what it’s like in Sydney right now. But the text notification from your mom still lingers on the messages app. You tap on it and reply. No, Mom, sorry. Going to visit Australia for Christmas.

Who’s in Australia?

Calum’s family is there.

Who’s Calum? Is that the boy you talk about in the band?

“Fuck,” you mutter, realizing there were two ways this could go. You hadn’t ever really talked about your friends with your mother. Your dad knew and he filled her in a little bit, but even still you didn’t tell him a lot before he died. Mostly because you were afraid. What would happen if you told him everything and you needed help and he died? He’d be the only one to know and then he’d be gone. You’d have no one. So you told him half of everything. You told him about the band and some of your friends and you told him that you were doing okay. But you didn’t tell him that you were finally starting to figure what what you were meant to be doing on this earth. You didn’t tell him that you were dating around. Your dad only knew half the truth and now you realized all he could tell was half your truth to your mother. He could only convey what he knew and your mother didn’t always listen too well. She always got into her head what she wanted to hear and that’s the version she went with.

You can almost imagine your mother now, sitting on her couch tapping at the screen of her phone with one finger and looking up to the kitchen where your dad would usually be--and here, she would call out to your dad to ask Do you know about this Calum fella? They ever talk to you about ‘im? And your dad would reply in some sorts clipped and in half truths, Yeah, they’re friends or something. He’s got a good head on his shoulders from what I could tell. Because that what your dad would always say about any of your friends, that they always had a good head on their shoulders because he trusted you.

Your dad told you once that he said they always had a good head on their shoulders because you had a good head on yours and you’d never be friends with anyone that didn’t match morals like yours. He knew you’d never get mixed up in something that you couldn’t see yourself out of because he had raised you, because he had to trust you now; his fears couldn’t stand in the way of you living your life.

If you could tell your dad the whole truth, you would. You would tell him the first year after his diagnosis you lost yourself. You’d tell him that Calum had found you more than once on the edge of something dark and secured you to his chest for nights on end. He’d take you the studio with you just so you wouldn’t be alone. You’d tell your dad about the times you cooked all his favorites just so your house smelt of him. You’d tell him that even though you and your mother fought and you felt like you were always at arm’s length with some family, you always loved him. You’d tell him everything in full detail so that when he died, he would die knowing fully.

Yeah, you start typing to reply to your mother’s question, he’s the guy in the band.

Enjoy. But you should see family during this season too. Remember the ones that have been with you through thick and thin.

You don’t respond to the text. More than half of your mom’s side didn’t show up to the funeral. They never liked your dad all too much and you were slowly uncovering why. But no matter the reasons, it hurt. It hurt to walk with your mother down the aisle of that church to the funeral procession and seeing a halfway empty church because her side hadn’t supported the marriage. Your father was dead and the least they could do was show up to a fucking funeral. There’s no thick or thin in that, just them.

Another text buzzes through your phone. It’s from your aunt, on your dad’s side. We’re loving the pj’s! Nana’s rocking the new slippers and everything. Take care and rest. Wanna come by for New Years? We may be old but we can still keep up!

You laugh at the photo of your grandmother, sleeping as she sits on the couch, bundling up in the robe you also ordered for her. The new slippers are almost falling off her feet. That’s keeping up if I’ve ever seen it, you return. I might come by a little after New Years but I’ll bring the wine--you just bring the chips and dip. Going out of town for a little bit.

No worries! We’ll see you then. Chips and dip are stocked. Don’t you worry. Enjoy!

There’s a twinge--you almost want to stay just for them. But nothing feels the same anymore if you’re honest. When you hang out with your dad’s side of the family, there’s a hole. His seat is way too empty, even if you sit in. There’s no one to joke around. Your grandmother has no one to pass on her list of chores too besides finding people in town to help her with. And it’s not the same. They don’t laugh when she hands it over. They don’t joke that they only had a son just so he could do all the house repairs, or lawnmower repairs.

It has to be hard for them too. It’s all around just not a great time. But then in your peripherals you see your halfway packed suitcase, the swimsuits you’ve rolled up and tucked into one of the mesh pouches. Was this running? Or was this healing? Was going all the way to Australia just an escape? Maybe it was all three, but it was running into an escape but on the other side, there was some healing in it too. You continue packing, pulling out some loungewear and figuring how many pairs of jeans to include on this trip too.

You feel silly in your sneakers and leggings as more people filter into the terminal area from TSA in bulky coats. But Calum’s dressed roughly the same next to you, only in a t-shirt and sweatpants. Your phone shakes in your hands. Let me know when you land, your mother requests in the text.

Will do.

“Do your parents know I’m coming?” you asks, suddenly remembering that you will be in their place for three weeks.

“They know,” Calum returns, slouching down in the chair. “Trust me. Mum keeps asking me if you have any food allergies or dietary restrictions. And everytime I answer, she asks if I have checked in with you recently about it. And I have a feeling if you suddenly sprouted some new allergy, I would know by now.”

“That’s how moms are,” you laugh.

“Don’t be surprised if you find your favorite snacks just chilling in the kitchen.”

The thought of Joy going out of her way to find out via Calum about your favorite snacks and to only have them just in her cabinets or pantry makes you laugh but deeper than that you feel touched, chest warming just a little at the thought that she’d do something above and beyond. You slouch down to match Calum and rest your head onto his shoulder. “Is your childhood bedroom still embarrassing?”

A soft exhale of laughter pushes through Calum’s chest. “No, not too embarrassing anymore. Some of the posters are still up and mum’s changed the bedding for sure. A few of my things are tucked into the closet. But Mum’s said she’s been going through things in the house slowly so maybe she’s put more things on display just to set me up.”

You nod. “I imagine there are going to be lots of sports posters.”

“Ding, ding, ding,” Calum chimes, resting his cheek on your head. “I was supposed to be the sports kid. I mean, I was the sports kid for a really long time.”

“Then you found out you had those pipes,” you laugh, tapping on his chest.

“Yeah, then I realized music was a thing. Mali used to blast R&B and I mean blast it. But she’s always had great taste in music so it was never like the songs were bad. They were just loud. Sometimes I’d stay with Michael for as long as I could. Not that I didn’t want to be home, I just wanted to save my ears for a little bit before Mali and Dad would take over.”

“Your dad sings?”

“He’ll tell you only a little bit. But yeah, he sings.”

“So it’s a family trait!” you laugh. “A long line of singers.”

“Mum would disagree with you.”

You glance down and look at the initials inked into his skin. You brush your thumb over Joy’s. You had only heard about her. Once you saw her. Calum was calling home when you dropped by unplanned. It was quick, you waved at her from his computer but mostly you hang around in the kitchen, petting Duke as he wrapped up the call. From the way he talks about her, you know he’s close to his family. You know being away from home is hard sometimes for him. You’ve talked to Mali more, caught Calum a few times FaceTiming her too, or meeting her when she visited LA for his birthday. You know about his Dad too. Haven’t met him yet, but you’ve seen him when you watched the ARIA’s one year and he dad popped up in the crowd while the band performed. You screencapped the moment and send it as a reaction photo to Calum whenever he shares good news. You’re sure he must be sick of it, but he never says anything about your habit.

“There’s a little shop not too far from the house. I used spend hours to looking at all the trinkets. I think you’d like it,” he admits quietly.

“Yeah, I’d be down for that.”

“But first, there will be food,” he laughs just as the speakers overhead crackle to life and the voice faintly reminds everyone of the boarding procedure. You can Calum both stand, slinging backpacks onto your shoulders as you want for them to call group one to board. “Lots of food.”

“I’m ready,” you return.

Sleep on the plane isn’t all that restful, but you take it in stride though you manage to make progress in your book. Halfway through the flight, Calum holds out one of his earbuds to you. “You’ll like it,” he urges and you take the bud placing it into your ear.

Somewhere between the songs that Calum plays and the movie you’re not fully paying attention to, sleep claims you once again. And you let it hold you well past the light layer of sleep you had the first time. Sleep lays claim to you, holding you deeply into its grasps. You only find yourself waking up when the lights on the plane lift just a little and it breaks through your lashes and Calum shakes you awake. The two of you climb from your seats, backpacks on shoulders and wind through the airport to baggage. Thanks to the cat and dog luggage tags you bought, spotting your and Calum’s luggage is easy. Calum easy snatched the cartoon dog but you didn’t put up a fight. You let him have it, especially since it looked slightly reminiscent of Duke.

As you gather your luggage, you hear a voice from behind you. Calum turns to the sound of it immediately, his hand leaving the handle of his suitcase. You grab it for him and watch him, hearing his laughter escape him, as he runs up to his mother. “Mum,” he laughs, “hey!”

The hug looks bone crushing, only the hug a mom can give that even if it shouldn’t be tight is tight because there’s nothing like the squeeze. “Oh, my boy,” she grins. It lights up her whole face and you stand, just behind them, a couple feet off, both suitcases in front of you.

Joy spots you and the grin grows brighter. She releases Calum and shuffles up to you, arms still opened wide. “Hi! Look at you,” she greets. You immediately step out from the luggage. She’s warm and taller than you imagined as you hug her. She gives you a squeeze and your eyes water just a little. There’s something to the embrace that makes your chest tight and you find yourself clinging a little tighter to her too as she runs on about how late it is, and how hungry and tired you both must be. She keeps you close, an arm around your shoulders, hand splayed across your back. Joy pinches Calum’s cheek and wraps her other arm around his waist.

“C’mon, c’mon,” she urges. “David’s with the car. But I just couldn’t wait to see you both. Oh, it’s so good.”

Even as you exiting the plane it shocked you just how bright in the day it was still. But when you look down at your phone you realize you’re almost a whole day ahead, now standing in the middle of the afternoon, as if you somehow only flew a few hours instead of half the day. Calum’s dad is not parked too far from the entrance. As the three of you approach, he runs up some of the way with a large smile. “Aye!” he laughs, hands clapping Calum on the back. “Look at you!” “I swear I haven’t gotten any taller, Dad.”

“Coulda fooled me,” David returns. “Now,” he laughs, pointing to you. “I heard you got dragged along. Did ya put up a fight?”

“Less of a drag, more a kidnapping,” you return but step into the embrace with a laugh.

“Next time, next time, you’ll go a couple rounds with him, right?”

You nod. “Yeah, next time.” You don’t know if it’s going to be a next time but the idea sounds nice. Calum and David load up the suitcase into the trunk before all four of you slip into the car--you and Calum in the back.

“Hope they haven’t scared you off,” Calum whispers to you. You shake your head, mouth opening to say more but then David pipes up from the front seat. You almost don’t catch what he says, but Joy and Calum respond, so you stay quiet with a bit of a nod and watch the lights fade behind you as you travel down the streets. You make sure to text your mother that you arrived safely.

Calum’s room isn’t so bad, like he figured. Though you do almost wish there were a few more embarrassing posters on the wall. No sooner than the two of you can slip bags off and get out of shoes, a knock sounds from the door. It’s Joy, peeking her head inside. “Calum knows this, but you’re free to whatever’s in the house to munch on. I think there’s a few beer already cold too. But,” she waves her hand a little as if dismissing the thought. “either way, whatever’s there, you’re welcome to take.”

“Thank you, Ms. Hood.”

“Joy, call me Joy.”

“Thank you, Joy.” She nods and then slips back out of the room.

“They’ll be like that for another couple of days, but don’t mind them.” Calum shows you were the linen’s closet is and where the bathroom is too. “If you wanna shower first, I’ll whip up some snacks.”

“Oh, that’s some hard work putting together some snacks.”

He glares at you, throwing a towel at your head. You manage to duck it though it does land on your shoulder. You laugh as he flips you off and then heads to the kitchen. You head back to the room and grab a different set of clothes. It takes a moment to get the water right but you keep the shower as short as you can and slip into the clean clothes.

You return to the kitchen and find Calum with a plate of various chips, fruit snacks, and a small section of meat and cheeses out. He cracks open a beer just as you pad into the kitchen. “Want one?” he asks, but you decline the offer.

“It’s cozy,” you say softly looking around the living room and kitchen of the house. Even Calum’s room teleports you. You’re not sure where just yet, and even though it’s obviously a whole different continent there’s something about the house, about seeing Calum’s family so visibly happy to have him back home and the genuine smiles that feels like a warm blanket straight from the dryer. It envelopes you.

Calum shrugs a little. To him, it’s just familiar and a tad foreign. Like he can’t remember if the paintings are the same ones from his last visit but the pictures of him and Mali have never changed. The family vacation photos still line the walls too--unwavering it seems even against all of his mum’s decorating attempts. “Once Mali comes into town, it’ll feel complete,” he states. You wonder how any of this could feel incomplete, but don’t voice that curiosity.

Calum runs up to shower next and in the middle of your munching, Joy returns to the kitchen too. “I’m surprised you’re still standing upright.”

“Oh I could fall over at any point. Keep an eye out.”

Leaning into the counter she nods. “Time zones are killer. I’d say try to make it through as much of today as you can and then zoink out later on. Might be easier to adjust to the time that way.”

“I’m hoping,” you say.

“Calum told me you went to a conference last week. How’d that go?”

“It went well. Slight tech issues with my presentation but we managed to pull through unscatched after that.” You talk a little bit more about it, but are aware that you feel like you're rambling. When you ask her a few questions, she’s more than willing to answer them but she keeps them short and instead asks you more questions too.

“As the best friend, I feel like I need embarrassing material. Do you have photos of baby Calum?” you ask after a bit.

“Of course I do. He asked for some for a video once and I scanned over the most neutral ones. But if you want embarrassing photos, I got ‘em,” she laughs, wiping the salt off her fingers from a chip and waving for you to follow her.

Calum returns the sound of laughter and you cooing about something, he thinks you might’ve mentioned chubby cheeks and he knows without a doubt it’s him. “If you are going to embarass me I’d like to be in the room,” he states, seeing the photo album open on your lap. He steps to the arm of the couch you’re near and watches you flip through a few pages. You pause at a couple and pull your phone out to snap a few pictures of the picture. He doesn’t miss the several messages still lingering on your notification screen from your mother.

It’s over dinner that Joy suggest putting the tree up over the weekend, since Mali will be in town at that point too. No one objects to this plan and the latter half the week you and Calum spend mostly trying to adjust to the time change, though Calum seems to be having an easier go of it than you. Mali is licked up from the airport and you linger behind knowing that there’s not quite enough space for all three of you in the seat. It’s a little strange to be lingering around in Calum’s old room at his mum’s house but it’s not to bad. You take in all the sports posters, notice some medals and trophies still hanging around to otherwise bare shelves. Among them are some photos too--mostly of Calum and the guys. A few of some people you’ve never seen before and you assume they’re friends from soccer, or other sports along the way.

The sound of laughter echoes around you. Though you do hold onto one photo of Calum. He’s in a jersey, arms thrown over the shoulders of two other boys. They smile wide and big at the camera. The grassy fields hold blurry people and you like to imagine in that blur there are parents hugging kids, or kids running to their parents. There are coaches, people shouting in those blurs. The sounds of feet on stair should break you out of your trance staring down at the photo and you hear more laughter too. But you continue to stare down at younger Calum.

Calum tries to catch onto Mali’s wrist. “Do not! God,” he huffs when she slips through his hold. She laughs, backpack still on and barrels past her old room to Calum’s. You’re standing halfway turned to the door, but still clearly engrossed in something.

“Hey,” Mali huffs out, slipping just inside the cracked door. “Have you found the good blackmailing photos yet?”

You jump just a little but lift your gaze and find Calum’s sister beaming brightly at you. “Hi,” you return with a laugh. “I found a few. Your mum broke out the photo album.”

“Good,” she returns. “Sorry for kicking you out of the arrival party. It’s not normally five of us.”

“No, no, it’s cool. I couldn’t necessarily swing a vote on voting Calum out, so, I just took that blow.”

She gives a light tuft of laughter and hisses just a little. “Yeah that’d be a little hard to swing. But I’ll teach ya a few pointers for next time.”

“I’d appreciate that,” you return and Mali excuses herself to drop off her bag. Everyone seems hooked on the concept of a next time. It falls easily from their lips and while you’ve enjoyed the time here thus far, next time isn’t on your mind. Honestly, you’re not sure what’s on your mind besides not thinking about the text messages you need to respond too. Most of them seem to be about making sure you’ve adjusted to the time difference, if you’ve seen anything exciting. And you want to tell her--but you know you’d most likely tell her half truths too. Possibly even quarter ones. So you’ve opted to tell her nothing really. It seems trivial to explain to her that you’ve gone out a couple times--to the beach and the shop that Calum mentioned earlier. Most of the time though, you spend with Calum going down his memory lane. You rode past the school’s he attended, saw all the spots he used to hang out. Those don’t feel like the spots your mother is looking for.

When the Christmas tree is unearthed and Joy brings out the decorations you don’t think about those text messages again. You instead help feed the garland around the tree to Calum who’s standing at the back of the tree and he passes it along to his mon and she passes it to Mali and Mali passes it back to you. And that’s the way it goes for the lights too. Once those are put up, you look over the bulbs that Joy has. Behind you Calum and Mali are already working to put the hooks through the box Joy approved. You’re trying to help her find the last box in that set.

“Short end, Calum. Short end is what you hook through the top of the bulb.”

“Which end is short then?” you hear him return.

“That end,” she laughs. “I’ll put the hooks. You put them on the tree. Don’t put the same colors close together. Space them out.”

“I can decorate a tree,” Calum states.

“Sometimes I wonder.”

You find the last box of bulbs in the matching set, under a layer of icicle like ornaments. “Found ‘em,” you tell Joy and she beams, stopping her work on the box she was digging in.

“Ah! I’m not sure how they got separated.”

“Someone packed them wrong,” Mali returns, focused in on hooks still. “Most likely,” she counters. You step over to her and help prep more ornaments. A few look homemade with popsicle stick and felt. You pause looking at them on the table.

“Made ‘em in primary,” Calum answers, picking up the ornaments you’ve already hooked. “I thought Mum would give up on bringing them out.”

“But I never have and never will,” she counters picking them up and proudly displaying them on the front of the tree.

Calum makes a show to wave his hands. “That.”

“You made them and I cannot not display them,” Joy laughs and takes the bulb you’ve prepped.

“I think it should be the star,” you tease.

“Do not give Mum any ideas,” Calum groans. “She needs zero ideas.”

“My dad would put mine near the star. I used to hate it too,” you offer.

“Because he was proud of them! See, it’s a parent thing,” Joy laughs, taking another ornament.

You don’t respond, giving a shrug. Maybe it’s a parent thing. And maybe it’s just a love thing, you think. Maybe putting your atrocious ornaments near the top was a way your dad was saying you were always near the top, he was always thinking of you first. When you blink the silver hooks blur for a moment and it hits you that you might be crying. So you blink again and the tears don’t completely clear.

Arms are around your shoulder and you think it’s Calum but as you turn into the embrace, you notice it’s Joy. “Hey, it’s okay,” she offers. She’s quick to scoot you over to the other end of the living room and hands you a tissue. “Do you want to keep on decorating? You can take a breather.”

“No, no, I’m okay.”

“As long as you’re sure.” Her hand runs a soothing line up and down your back. You can only nod. It takes another moment and a deep inhale before you find a resolve. Joy takes your spot hooking the ornaments and you hang one up on the branch. You’re not even sure if Calum and Mali noticed your quick time out, but they don’t seem to be visibly concerned. You finish the tree half an hour later--many ornaments had to rearranged after realizing the back hadn’t gotten nearly enough love. You snap a photo and you don’t think too much about sending it to your aunt and your grandmother, but you hover over your mom’s contact.

Would she think you’re betraying? Would she find some way to say that you could’ve been home decorating the tree too and that she could’ve used the help since Dad wasn’t around anymore? You don’t hit send. Instead you lock your phone, place it face down and ask Joy if she needs or wants any help cooking dinner. She waves you in happily, explaining the dish she’s preparing to you as you wash your hands. This is easy. This feels complete, listening to the sounds of the TV in the background. Knocks at the door don’t make your heart startle and you almost know, without looking, that it’s David. And he no doubts has an armful of things--food, drinks, and god knows what else.

“Do-do you mind me asking about your mom?” Joy brings up as you tend over your hot pan.

“I,” and all words have fallen from your brain. “I don’t know,” you answer. It sounds so stupid but it’s the truth. The whole truth. “I don’t know how I feel. I-I wouldn’t be upset, but there may or may not be a reason I’m hiding on the other side of the world.”

It’s a small laugh, but a laugh nonetheless that Joy gives. “You know, fair. It’s okay if you don’t know. Instead, we’ll knead dough,” she offers, “or whatever else we need to do.”

“I’ll take kneading dough.”

There’s a nod and a smile, an understanding that kneading dough is the best alternative. The sleeves to your hoodie start to slip down again and just before you can clear your hands from the flour to pull it up, two hands come from the side. Calum, you deduce. “Thanks.”

“No problem. Did Mum put you to work or did you volunteer?”

“Volunteered,” you answer and go back to kneading the dough. The fridge door opens and then closes a few seconds later.

“You’re a guest. You don’t have to you know?”

“I know. Just need to do something.”

“Besides not answering your mom’s texts.”

“Besides not answering my mom’s texts,” you agree. Calum reaches across the counter and grabs your phone. You gave him the passcode ages ago and shockingly he remembered it. “Gonna delete the embarrassing photos?” you tease. You already emailed yourself copies just in case you tried too.

“Nah, no need. You’d just find a way to get them again.” You watch him for just a moment open up the app and the picture of the tree is still loaded in. “Why didn’t you send this?”

“Because I didn’t want her bitchin’ to me about how I could’ve been doing that with my real family. I would rather decorate a tree with you and your family anyway. Just as real as anything else,” you huff out, pushing in a little harder into the dough.

Calum pauses for a moment, glancing over to you. He’s not even sure his ears actually heard what you are saying. “What?” he asks in an exhale.

“I’d rather spend legit any holiday with you.”

He stops you, a hand on your wrist. “Did-did you just admit that you’d spend any holiday with me and my family?”

“Do you want bread or not?” you ask and he releases your wrist. “But yes, I did admit it.” You look up from the dough, knowing you’ve worked well enough for you to be done. The Christmas tree twinkles from the corner and it’s nice to see a family together--there’s no arguments, no need to feel like you’re at arm’s length. The TV plays and it’s idealistic. It’s what you want, not the screaming that occurs on most holidays, no one too drunk off their ass, no one being kicked out.

“I like it here,” you admit softly. Christmas is about five days out and you still need to wrap Calum’s present. It’s currently hiding in your suitcase and you want to get something nice for his parents for hosting you, and you’re not entirely sure what to get Mali but you want to do something nice for her too. Calum doesn’t miss the way you stare, the longing in your gaze as you’re still knuckle deep in dough. “I could send the photos to Dad. He’d probably just send a thumbs up. But, still it would’ve been better.”

“Then send it to him.”

“Mom disconnected the line. I have no clue who has the number now.”

“Send it anyway. Whoever it is, probably wouldn’t mind.”

You shake your head and look down at the dough. It’s done and you place it back into the bowl. The idea is asinine to you. No stranger would be okay with getting a random text about a Christmas tree you decorated and whatever sob story you’d type out. Best not to bother a stranger. Even as Calum tries to urge you one last time, you don’t give in. You move about the kitchen as if you’ve always worked in and wash your hands. It doesn’t take you long before you settle onto the couch next to Mali.

I know this might be strange, Calum starts drafting. But my best friend lost their dad about two years ago and this is his old number (this is their number and they still has the number saved). I took them to see my family for Christmas since they and their mom and that side are in a rough spot. I say that like it hasn’t been years of a rough spot but they helped us decorate the tree. I don’t know who’s going to see this, if it’ll go through or not, but I’m hoping for a miracle, I guess, for kindness in the universe and kindness in a stranger. They just needs something good, so we hope you enjoy our Christmas tree. They told my mum about how their dad would put the homemade ornaments near the star. Needless to say my mum agreed with the idea. If you see this, and get the picture, I hope you have safe and happy holidays.

Calum doesn’t even think twice about hitting send on the message. He finishes pouring himself a glass of water and pour another one for you too. By the time he grabs a snack too your phone buzzes again. There’s a response from the number that once belonged to your dad.

Tree looks awesome, kid, reads the first message. And then another one follows it. Homemade decorations near the top are the only way to go. Hope your friend gets through the holidays safely, but with people like you in their life, we think they will. Happy Holidays and enjoy our tree too. A picture comes attached with it.

Calum leaves the response up. It works out perfectly that the first response sits directly under the picture Calum sent. The first part of the second text is still visible but he doesn’t worry about that. He taps on your shoulder. “The world’s not so bad after all,” he states.

It takes you a moment to realize who the message is under. And you know it’s not actually your dad. You know that line went cold months ago.Your dad didn’t call you kid too much else he was trying to annoy you. But it’s something about seeing a message from that number that makes your chest ache. For a split moment in time, he’s real again. A sob racks through your chest and you're quick to cover your mouth, aware that other people are around. “I should’ve told him so much more,” you gasp and another sob breaks the sentence up just a little at the end. But all you can do is stare at the response with blurry vision.

Calum wraps you into his arms, pulling you into his chest. “Hey, you can still tell him. Maybe not by texting this number but you can still tell him,” he whispers. And though you tremble against him, he manages to get you to the shelter of the stairs. You settle oddly on top of him, your legs draping over his and your cowered into his chest mostly. But you don’t object to the arrangement.

Joy places a box of tissues down next to you both and settles on the step just below Calum. Her hand is warm on your knee. “I thought you were kneading dough.”

You chuckle just a little but tremors still rock you. “Dough didn’t have a lot of resistance.”

She nods, tsking just a little. “Ah, next time I’ll have you knead two loaves.” Once she’s sure you’ve cried it all out, she leaves you be, though most of her comfort was soft reassurance and knee pats. But it’s just what you need.

Calum guides you upstairs and unearths his journal from his bag. Or at least a journal you think you’ve seen him writing in before. “I was going to give this to you on Christmas. But it sounds like you could use it now. Whatever you wanted to tell your dad, write it down. Pretend like your writing letters to him. I know know it might sound silly, but it helps me.”

The journal is leather, embossed on the front are your initials. It almost looks too expensive to even write in it, but when Calum hands you a pen you think you might explode again if you don’t get it off your chest. So you settle onto the edge of his bed, which is barely just enough space for two of you to sleep on during the night and tell your dad all the full truths. Everything you felt like he couldn’t take the grave, you spill onto the page.

Dad, It’s Christmas. Or it’s nearly Christmas. I’m in Australia with Calum and I’ve already had one emotional breakdown. So we need to reset the count on that one. It’s hard without you. Joy put Calum and Mali’s old homemade decorations near the star of the tree and all I wanted was to be six again and be up on your shoulders and have you force me to put my decorations up high on the tree for everyone to see. I used to hate it. When you did that. But now I miss it.

I miss a lot of things, I guess now. I miss being honest with you. I wasn’t very honest while you were dying. I was afraid that I told everything I’d be weak. That if I told you everything you’d take all the words with you when you died and I wouldn’t be able to tell anyone else since it would’ve been one of the last things I told you. It all sounds silly now to write it down, but that’s what I thought.

Here’s the other half I never told you.

Calum lingers, sitting on the floor and finding one of his old guitars sitting on the floor tucked into a corner. He slides over, and places it into his lap before strumming mindlessly over it. The scratch of the pen is hardly audible as he strums but he can envision what it sounds like, see how fast you’re scribbling words down onto the page.

Later in the week, as you have Mali and Calum helping you find a gift to give their parents, you stop at one of the small shops in the mall. Mali’s wandered off to the far corner but Calum’s close next to you, glancing around the walls for something that looks remotely interesting and appropriate. The housewares all look too dated and Calum’s not even sure what his parents do and don’t have to even suggest something like this. But Mali thought it might be a good place to stop so the three of you stopped to look.

“Thanks,” you say to Calum, running a finger over a serving spoon. “For the journal. It helped a lot.”

“You’re welcome,” he beams at you. His attention is still filtering around the store. “I have no clue what to even suggest in a place like this for my parents. They’re not super into stuff like this.”

“You sure a Kiss The Cook apron wouldn’t do the trick?” you joke holding up the red and white apron.

“Hmm, afraid not,” he laughs. The two of you still wonder about the store and you find a couple cookbooks that seem interesting. One’s for cocktails and Calum says it’s a definite--his dad would enjoy flipping through it. Neither he or Mali had gotten one for him before, so it won’t be a duplicate.

“Your mom has a lot of photos you guys. You think she’d be into something like this?” you ask, pointing out to a few picture frames. They’re all collages, just arranged differently. Calum seems to be vaguely interested though Mali worries about the fact that she tends to keep them in a particular way.

“Could make one with the photos you’ve taken over this trip, she loves stuff like that and I’m sure she wishes she could get more photos of us now since we’re gone. We spend a day taking some photos in front of our old stomping grounds and I know she’d love it,” Calum offers looking over to Mali.

She shrugs. “That could work. Sure we can’t say it was from all of us?” she jokes.

“I wouldn’t mind, especially since you two would be doing some leg work in it,” you state.

“If we’re going to do it,” Mali counters. “Let’s go with this one.” She points to a wooden slab with rows of twine wrapped around and clasps that are wooden too where stock photos are currently pinned but it’s clear that you can add your own photos.

“This really blows my flowers out of the water,” Calum mutters, holding onto the paid for box of the wooden frame.

“You also got her the embroidered pillow,” you counter. The pillow has the coordinates of Sydney, LA, and London on it--for each of the cities they’re in respectively.

“True,” he nods. “But still,”

“If you don’t want--” you start but he cuts you off.

“Hey, no, I want to do this. Shush,” he laughs. “We gotta make another stop though. I’ve seen ads for those portable printers and can print photos and I don’t see either one of you with those old school polaroid cameras.”

“I’ll have you know,” Mali teases. But she interrupts her own joke as a ponderous hum falls from her. She rattles off a couple stores that could have it.

“Let’s give it a shot,” Calum returns. The first store is a bust but the second one has it. They grab one of the last ones off the shelf and scurry to the lines. They’re long and it’s no avoiding it two days from Christmas. The rest of the day, Mali navigates, pulling over into random parking lots and telling stories about their childhood.

You snap as many photos as you can. Some are more planned than others but it’s okay. You play with angles, flipping your phone upside to get some cool shots and you’re honestly impressed with the quality of just a cellphone camera. By the time it starts to get dusk, you’re half convinced your phone will alert you that you’re almost out of space. It’s not too hard to sneak the bags up to the bedrooms. You take up distracting Joy just a little as Calum and Mali book it up the steps.

“Oh, this reminds me,” Joy says standing right as Mali clears the first step. “If you need any sort of wrapping supplies they’re in here,” she directs you down the hall and you watch Calum and Mali clear into one of the bedrooms, you think it’s Mali’s before diverting your attention back to the wrapping paper.

“Thanks,” you nod at her. “I’ll be down in a few if you want help with dinner?”

“An extra pair of hands never hurt,” she counters with a grin and it’s become a tradition, or a thing at the very least that you help her with dinner and she’s given up on trying to shoo you out of the kitchen.

You take the stairs slowly, but you can feel the buzzing in your pocket. No doubt Calum bugging you relentlessly that you’re needed upstairs. You find them in Mali’s room situated on the floor as she removes the pictures from the frame and Calum seems to messing with the printer. “Thank you for joining us,” he teases. Music starts up and the door closes.

You settle on the floor next to him. “My job was to distract so that’s what I did. What do I need to do?”

“Pairs with BlueTooth, so I just gotta get this thing on.”

“Let me know when it’s up,” you return and then pull up the photos you took on your phone. Mali helps pick out which photos have to go onto the frame. It’s only a minute or two later that Calum tells you to make sure your phone has the BlueTooth turned on.

“You cannot use that,” he laughs, as the first photo prints out. “I look so dumb in that take.”

Mali laughs. “Oh, c’mon it’s a pretty shot.”

“Yeah of you,” he returns.

You swipe to the next photo and there are no photo blunders for either one of them so you print that one down. Some are in front of buildings that you’re not even sure could mean anything. A couple are of Calum’s old practice field for soccer--the same one from the photo you were looking at when Mali first arrived. There are a few of Mali in front of the place she sang to a large audience for the first time. There’s a picture of the Christmas tree as well--Mali and Calum are in the photo adding decorations to it. There’s one of you, in the middle of Calum and Mali, arms wrapped around each other. You’re laughing because even standing you nearly stumble just trying to shift your weight a little, but the picture is perfect as the sun just starts to step a little behind you.

With the last photo printed, you look over the arrangement and give your approval. “Did you remember to grab our wrapping paper?”

“Shit,” Calum sighs. “I’ll run to the car and grab it.” You nod and head back downstairs just in time to help Joy.

It’s late before another opening arrives for you three to place the gift under the tree and during this time you also add Calum’s and Mali’s gift to the bunch. You managed to snag some cool t’s with Calum’s help for her. She eyed them in your shopping adventure and carted them around the store before ultimately deciding to put them back. Calum stayed behind to grab them off the rack while you went with her to the next store.

Over mugs of hot chocolate--though the Australian heat doesn’t warrant it-- you, Mali and Calum sit on the floor in front of the tree. “It’s been nice to outnumber him,” Mali laughs.

“I’m already outnumbered with you and Mum,” he retorts.

“Yeah, but it’s Mum. She counts but like not really. Now you’re outnumbered by someone in our age range.”

Calum shakes his head. “If you say so. I’m glad Mum and Dad weren’t too weird about it.”

You know he hasn’t brought anyone home in a long time. And part of it is probably just time, but another part is deliberate but you don’t know why. “I’m sure they were starting to think I wasn’t real,” you joke.

“Haha,” Calum gently shoves your legs. “You’re a fucking comedian.” You snicker and take another sip from your mug. The night almost doesn’t feel like it’s slipping away as Mali and Calum take turns on the guitar. You climbed up onto the sofa at some point during the night, asbentedmindly playing in Calum’s hair. But somewhere in it the strumming, sleeps pulls you under, you felt your eyes blinking close but weren’t able to recall when the final blink took you full under.

You find yourself startled awake to the sounds coming from the kitchen. Mali’s asleep on the couch, facing the opposite away of you. Calum’s reclined against the sofa between the both of you but still sitting on the floor. There’s a faint light coming from behind you and you squint against it to see the kitchen light’s on. You settle back against the arm of the couch and let yourself fall into sleep a second time.

When you wake the second time, it’s to gentle shakes and you’re not even sure you had fallen asleep again. Until you find yourself stretching again and blinking back the light of the living room. Calum’s slumped to the floor. “No, five more minutes.”

Joy chuckles. “It’s your presents you’ve gotten open.”

“Hmm, maybe I’m awake enough for presents.” Presents are slow to be handed out, mostly to the three of you still trying to wake up. But Mali gets the first tear into the wrapping paper and beams over at you spying the two shirts.

Joy loves the pillow from Calum and the jacket from Mali. Calum gets a few things, most of them necessities but the socks are cool enough to put on immediately. Mali’s content with the clothes she’s received and the necklace. Calum thought about wrapping your journal as a joke but he hands you a tiny stocking stuffed with some candies, a cool pen, and some knicks knacks he found during some of the shopping adventures. David’s tickled as he flips through the cocktail recipes.

“What is this?” Joy laughs pulling on the wooden and twine picture frame ad she’s handed it.

“For you,” you answer. “A collective effort between the three of us.”

“But originally their idea,” Calum tacks on.

Joy looks at the three of you, unsure of what trick might be pulled. She unveils the first corner and pauses. “Seriously, what is this?”

“Just keep going Mum,” Mali counters.

Joy continues tearing at the wrapping paper and she gasps for a moment noticing the photos hanging from the pins. “No way,” she laughs, lifting it up to take a closer look at the photos. “No way,” she whispers.

“The pictures can be switched out, so you can frame some, or just rotate it based on the season,” you explain.

The tears collecting in Joy’s eyes don’t get past you but they do hurt just a little. In a good way. You hadn’t seen a teary eyed smile like Joy’s in such a long time you almost forgot how good it felt, but how much it hurt too.

“You did all this for me?” she asks.

“I had help,” you return. “But I wanted to do something or give you something nice for hosting me the past two weeks and agreeing to take on an extra mouth to feed. It’s a thank you.”

She gives you another one of those hugs that squeeze more than they should, more than thought possibly. You squeeze in return and though you feel a couple tears slip down your cheek, you aren’t so afraid of the emotion. It’s something like loved, maybe it’s understood. Quite possibly it’s just the feeling of being embraced without judgement or restriction. You’re not really sure, but you do know you like it.

“Thank you,” Joy whispers while still hugging you. She makes space for the frame almost immediately though it takes a little rearranging of the living room but she finds the space. You’re sucking on a piece of candy, looking down at your phone. You know your mother is still living in Christmas Eve and the only message she’s gotten from you are about you being safe and okay.

I would send this as an actual letter, but I worry from Australia to home would take too much time. So I guess this works as next best. I can only hope you understand.

The easy things: Australia’s been fun. Haven’t run into a spider as big as my head just yet but there’s still plenty of time. Calum’s family has been amazing. I helped with Christmas decorations. Joy and I are cooking buddies. If I never had to leave, I probably wouldn’t.

And on and on you go about the tails of this particular vacation before getting to the hard stuff, how it’s hard sometimes to be home because home feels empty and too far away and how it’s hard sometimes to feel like you fit in the puzzle of it all. You tell her how hurt you are seeing how her side paid the death of your father dust. How nothing’s felt right once and you don’t know what caused it. You don’t know how it started but all you do know is that when dad was around, when you and him had those quiet moments it was closest to right you had every experience until now--sitting in your friend’s childhood home in a whole different country, more than half the day ahead of your own family and watching someone else’s world that you know you’re not really apart of but somehow you fit even as a stranger.

There’s that nagging voice in the back of your head that tells you this could all go to shit. Your mother could read all this and blow her top. But at least she would blow her top knowing the truth and the whole truth at that--that you love your family for being your family but recognizing the detriment happening.

I need you to know Mom. Because Dad didn’t. Or maybe he did, but I know I wasn’t the one that told him. So I am telling you. You don’t have to like it. You don’t have to like any of this and I’m not asking you or telling you you have to. But you have to know the truth and I have to tell you.

Before I go, there’s a present for you. Hidden in the top box of Dad’s stuff in your closet. It’s only tiny pieces of me and him, of us, but I hope you enjoy it. I hope it provides comfort.

While you’re not the most crafty, you know your way around a sewing machine. You didn't keep nearly as many t-shirts from family vacations as you would’ve liked to, hanks to a couple moves. But you kept enough and you snagged a few of your dad’s t-shirts and some of his old flannels too. All together it made a decent sized blanket--it could’ve been larger but there were a few failed starts before you got the true hang of it.

You’re not sure the whole message will send correctly and you think maybe it should’ve been an email, but that feels even less personal. So you watch the message lift up, hover for just a moment before it settles down and just beneath it, Delivered, pops up. Immediately, you place your phone face down. A watched pot never boiled and a watched text is never actually read.

“Calum!” Mali laughs. Just behind you they go barreling past, through the living room and he tries to make an escape up the steps but she manages to lunge fast enough to take hold of the back of his t-shirt. “Drop the cookies and no one has to get hurt.”

“Never!” he cries in return. His attempts are half hearted and you can only giggle watching them. That in turn earns you target as a potential accomplice and he calls out to you to get you to take the cookies and make an escape.

You walk over, take the packet of cookies. They’re decorated for Christmas and you decide take one off the top is fair pay for whatever mess you’re stepping into. After your take the first bite of your cookie, you hand the packet over to Mali who happily release Calum to snag a couple. “Traitor,” Calum returns, but takes another cookie too.

“I got my pay,” you laugh, polishing off the one cookie in your hand.

David enters then, taking another cookie too. “I got mine too,” he laughs before disappearing again back down the hallway. There are a few things around the house he needed to repair and Calum had been helping him though you suspect more than helping, Calum was sneaking cookies and trying to hide them from Mali. You offered to help too, but David insisted that you actually take a rest at least once during this time away.

You manage to catch the buzz over all the laughter. You don’t think your mother could’ve responded that fast. It’s not possible. But you slip away from the group and grab your phone from the couch cushions. Your heart hammers against your ribs, you can feel the vein in your neck throbbing.

Thank you for the blanket. It’s quite lovely. Glad you’re enjoying Australia. I don’t know if I can say sorry and have it mean much. But in turn, thank you for telling me the truth. Somehow you expected this to be much more emotional, much more earth shattering. But tides don’t change in the blink of an eye and cities don’t build themselves in a day.

“We should have a board game night,” Mali suggests from behind you. “Dunno know. Not much will be open up for long.”

“I’ll kick your ass in Scrabble,” Calum returns, “Anytime.”

And just behind is all you’ve ever really wanted. But just in front of you is all you’ve ever had, your mother and the distance. Maybe it’s not a matter of what you deserve or what is actually yours by blood. Maybe it’s just time to admit that family is also chosen. And you did all you could with your mother. You told her the truth.

A tear splashes onto your screen and you wipe at your eyes quickly. When had those formed? They didn’t even sting that time or maybe they did and you just hadn’t felt it. You’re not sure. Her message doesn’t warrant a response. Though you do imagine for a moment, her curled up on the couch, your blanket across her lap as she snacks on pistachios and the fireplace blazes next to her. The TV is playing Polar Express, her favorite Christmas film. And if the scene is sad, your mother is sad. And if the scene is happy, your mother is happy. And you like it better that she is tethered to the film’s emotions rather than anything going on outside of it.

“You down for a board game night? If not, we can find something else.” Calum’s voice is close and you can feel just how close is he off to the side of you.

“I’m down for a board game night,” you nod. Your voice quivers just a little. Crying is exhausting and you’d wish you had nothing left, but there is always the dregs left. Just enough to make your cheeks wet.

“You good? What’s up?”

“Told my mom,” you answer truthfully.

He figures it didn’t go super well given your silence. “We can watch movies in my room then.”

“She didn’t threaten to blow up the country so I think we’re good,” you continue on. “But she loves her Christmas present. So I’ll take it as a win.”

“It’s the small victories.”

You nod, looking at the photos hanging right next to the Christmas tree. “Like kicking your ass in Scrabble,” you laugh. “I’m on Mali’s team.”

“Fighting words, those are fighting words. I brought you out here and you already turned over my cookie stash. Now you’re going against me in Scrabble! Really?”

“I’ve chosen you over and over,” you admit quietly. You’ve chosen him as a friend, and confidante and you appreciate him for being there. But you don’t say all that, instead you counter with, “But I think sometimes I should kick your ass in a game of Scrabble or too.”

“You’re lucky I love you,” he returns with a laugh.

“I am,” you state simply. “I am lucky.”

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