#and all of this because my grandmother liked my fucking uncle better!!!! if i ever hated her it's for that

[homunculus-argument]

One positive thing about my family was their reaction to me coming out. I don't know whether it was more from my karelian grandmother or something common for central Finland as a whole, but they had a whole deal about keeping up appearances and Presentation - family events were always a Big Fucking Deal with 100-150 people, and you definitely didn't just Show Up As You Are - you put your best foot forward and if you're not in any shape or condition to be a shining representative of the family in front of non-family guests, that's tough luck, better fake it through the day the best you can.

Whatever you are up to, you better be good at it. Family parties are no place to talk about illnesses, unemployment, or anything you're struggling with. I actually have no idea how my cousins are really doing, all the talk was about what university you're planning to go for and how one of them will definitely be going to the olympics with her sports career. One of my uncles is a published author, my mother ran her own business and is still a marketing agent. My sister avoided going to the family parties a lot, not attending at all because she wasn't doing anything splendid she was proud of or could embellish, and I really don't hold that against her.

When I came out to my family, they handled it in the best possible way - with utter indifference. I just showed up at the next graduation in a suit and with a new name. Being presentable was a big deal, being a big, thriving family of educated, successful people, and sparking drama over something like that would have been trashy. This is the flock of the family matriarch's splendid grandchildren, and one of them happens to be trans.

I had been scolded for breaking down in tears where people could see me, had been changed out of psych ward clothes into a dress and dolled up for a party in a truck stop bathroom in a way out of the hospital after a suicide attempt and told to not mention anything about it to the extended family, and would have been decimated afterwards if I had ever publicly brought up the fact that I have a criminal record related to the substance abuse problems that I had out of untreated mental illness, but the entire matter of being trans was a complete non-issue, for as long as I could show up in a nice suit and polished shoes, and smile.

[puffyducks]

DCRC Week #19 (Part 2)

This post isn't slightly late SHUT UP SHUT UP. We're reading Trick or Treat ok it was made by this really underground duck artist idk if you've ever heard of Carl Barks before. This is also an adaptation of the animated Disney short of the same name but it's BETTER because it's Carl Barks. Not that YOU'VE ever heard of him...

THEY'RE SO LITTLEEEE I LOVE THEM!!!! Nevermind that Louie's soul was sucked out of his body his eyes are scaring me a bit

look at them they're so small and polite..... surely no one would want to be mean to these fine young gentlemen on this night

Shoutout to Huey using his pitchfork to ring all the doorbells. I'm assuming cause his tiny little baby hands are too short to reach.

WHYYY 😭 WHAT REASON WAS THERE FOR THIS YOU'RE GONNA BLOW DEWEY'S FUCKIN FINGERS OFF

THIS GUY FUCKING SUCKS!!!!!! DNI donald duck fans I don't fw him anymore

He's not even being mean to get back at the triplets or whatever he's literally just harassing whoever comes up to his door LMAO WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM BRO

DT17 Louie could never L + ratio

Shoutout to Donald saying "what the blazes" it reminds me of my very southern grandmother who says "WHAT IN BLUE BLAZES" a lot as an expression of shock

shoutout to this freak with the hand nose I dig his whole vibe tbh. he's very well dressed for the occasion

WHAT THA HELL

he's gonna fucking axe her to death

cuddle dove???

NOT THE FUCKING LASSO 💀

Guys this is so much fucking work between both parties. The boys probably could've had like 10x as much candy by now if they just went to other houses instead of doing all this 😭 I get it though it's about sending a message and beating the fuck out of your mean uncle

SHE'S LITERALLY CONJURING HORRORS BEYOND IMAGINATION JUST GIVE THEM THE DAMN CANDY

and there it is... THE panel. I adore this shot he needs to be flattened by an anvil

that one's gonna hurt coming out the other end

I appreciate his stupid little sound here

WHAT DOES THIS ACCOMPLISH NOW WE ALL FUCKING LOSE

Huey just like 8l

This beef isn't even involving the triplets anymore it's just Donald and Hazel going at each other lmao

Y'know it might've been easier to just knock him out at the start

All that back and forth and Donald still smiles and waves goodbye. I guess it wasn't personal he's just REALLY defensive over his candy.

Well folks, I think there's a lesson to be learned in all this. And the lesson is to not be a huge BITCH on Halloween and just give out some damn candy!!! And don't be one of those guys that hands out like plastic spider rings or whatever ok nobody wants those just give out some fuckin chocolate or don't even bother.

And hey, for what it's worth, it took like 70 years but Donald finally learned his lesson and actually WANTED to hand out candy in DT17!! (also my way to sneak Della into this post hi Della)

[cosmicourple]

*manifests into existence graphically & gruesomely* *walks over to mic* Pokémon A.U ideas I’ve had buzzing around in my brain for a bit (that I will also explain rlly poorly) haha cough dies:

-Sycamore & Diantha are funni siblings, Xerneas is their smooshy grandmother, real world mythology (specifically Norse) exists, Yveltal does not like Lysandre or his ancestors (…also Fae & similar forces exist & are hungry :))

-Rainbow Rocket keeps getting its arse beat by (some not so anymore) trauma fuelled children, Sycamore, R.S.E! Maxie & Colress are friends (and really should not of been God Save Us), the Ultrabeasts share one braincell (and Guzzlord ate it)

-the world is an unknowable horror filled with nothing but pain and suffering, forcing those who dare to think themselves above it and the power it holds to choke on their hearts, their voices, their thoughts, until all they can perceive is that nothing is for them and all shall be as it is, cursed and shattered because of arrogance and ignorance, tortured and twisted, swallowed up by the light and the fire that should not of been.. And oh how You should of Known, oh how You all should of Thought better than That and now you are Here and there will be no escape from The Voið øF Wħő Ý ò ų ÆŘß —- (AKA Cyrus calls an ambulance, the others eat shit, Lysandre gets scammed by love & Xerneas is a amazing mum AND baker 🥰)

-live family reunion

-“how to care for your now deceased lover’s (Xerneas.net) children and also teach them how to control their powers because they are the heirs of Nature plus how do you teach creatures with Natures Abilities how to control them when you yourself are technically Death incarnate (Yveltal.net)” (AKA Yveltal get’s reading glasses, Zygarde is very happy to be an uncle (figure only. -Yveltal) & Augustine n Diantha luv their dad :3)

-there are three (read many) different variants of Sirens, Maxie & Maxie won’t stop arguing, the Pirate Life was (not) for Lysandre, only in Ancient Greecetm

-three very important rule:

Be very careful what you wish for,,,

Don’t finger fuck reality.

Never ever let a group of villain’s children play a metaphorical-game-of-Russian-Roulette-as-a-represention-of-their-descent-into-and-inability-to-escape-the-life-their-arsehole-parents-somewhat-accidentally-pushed-them-into-and-then-building-off-of-it-to-create-something-objectively-more-dangerous.

-Augustine go’s to Hoenn for rocks, accidentally gains two husbands, freaks out to Diantha on the phone Malva chuckles as she watches from her comfortable spot on Dian’s’ bed. Her girlfriend makes such funny expressions when exasperated >03

-typical fantasy adventure turned sideways then promptly trampled. Augustine HATES the ‘damsel in distress’ trope, Lysandre just wanted to court normally, Cyrus is forced to third wheel everyone & Diantha is all here for the chaos 👍

-“Cynthia! This is suppose to be a celebration! Where is everyone?????” “Alder is in a coma, Sycamore is being held captive by Legendaries or something, Rainbow Rocket has gone cuckoo & Kanto (& soon the rest of the Southeast Continent) is basically fucked.” “😨” “anymore questions smartass?”

-the Ultrabeasts adopt Lillie + evolved, kinda not human anymore Lillie

-Eggman’s announcement but it’s Arceus (+ Cyrus w/ the Space Police (Ultra Recon Squad or whatever their called)

haha I’m gonna blow up one day :DDDDD

[atiredblackwoman]

Hey this is just a random writing thing for practice. Lmk what you think but this is mostly for fun. Or it’s supposed to be for fun.

Chapter 1

“No! I don’t want to go!” The room had spun; the world had been thrown from its axes before shattering like a glass vase against a wall. “Grandma! Please, don’t do this! I don’t want to go with them! I want to stay here!”

“Arielle, I don’t have a choice. The courts have deemed your parents fit to take care of you now,” Her grandmother said, her voice soft, trying to be comforting. It wasn’t working.

“They live in the middle of nowhere! I won’t be able to see you!” Arielle had cried. She wouldn’t be able to see her grandmother, her aunties, her uncles, her cousins, and her friends!

“You can visit, and we will visit you once you get settled down,” Her grandmother had tried to reason.

“I’m in my junior year of high school! I won’t know anyone, and I will be alone!” Arielle had argued.

“You will have your parents,” her grandmother had said. “Arielle,” her grandmother put her hands on Arielle’s face. Her grandmother's hands were warm and worn from all the work she had done over the years: working in the hospital, the church, and teaching Arielle how to become a practitioner. “I have no choice. The courts are making you go. If there were a way to make you stay, I would’ve done it by now. You know that.” Arielle did know that, but it didn’t matter to her because of its unfairness. Her life was being ripped from up under her, and there was nothing either of them could do. The days leading up to Arielle’s move had been quiet. Arielle barely spoke to anyone; she sat at the altar for her ancestors and prayed that anyone stop this from happening. But every prayer went unanswered. The day of the move was worse. All her family and friends had come to wish her a goodbye. But it went by in a blur; she couldn’t see due to all her tears. Her father opened the car's passenger side door for her, but she ignored him and went into the backseat. They drove in silence for a few hours before her father tried to speak to her, engage her in any type of conversation, but when nothing worked, he sighed and said,

“I know this is hard for you. You haven’t seen your mother and me in years, but we got better. Not only are we two years sober, and we also have great-paying jobs. We got our lives together for you. We just want to build a good relationship with our daughter.” Arielle had summoned the meanest and most vindictive glare she could muster before turning it on her father and saying,

“If you wanted a ‘good relationship,’ maybe you should’ve tried talking to her instead of forcing her to uproot her life away from everyone she loved and making her leave the one place she had ever known. Have you ever thought of that?” Her father never responded, and Arielle looked out the window as they left the city of New Orleans and drove to Colorado. The ride took two days, and they barely spoke to each other in those days. Her father only asked her if she was hungry or had to use the bathroom, and Arielle responded with short answers. When they arrived in the small town of Silverlake, she noticed one thing.

“Are you fucking kidding me!? You moved me to a sundown town!?” Arielle cries; she watches as every person they drive past is white. “If you wanted me dead, a gun to the head would be better!”

“Arielle!” Her father had yelled in frustration but Arielle just cried silently to herself. “This isn’t a sundown town; there are people of color here! We know a great black couple with a son your age!”

“He’s probably a coon,” Arielle sniffles quietly.

“What was that?” her father had asked with a confused frown.

“I don’t want new friends! I want Kyrell, Kaeja, Leon, Jenesis, and Selena! I want my cousins Huey, Riley, Phrenell, Carlina, and Diamond!” Arielle yells. Her father had driven up to the house, which, Arielle had to admit, was nice. The house was two stories and huge, mostly beige panels with white outlining. The roof was a light brown, which matched the house's aesthetic. It was really nice, but Arielle refused to admit it out loud. Arielle grabbed her bags and ran into the house. Arielle refused to look at the rest of the house or greet her mother as she ran upstairs to where her father had told her where her room would be. Her room was already filled with her stuff: dresser, bed, and boxes of all her stuff. But it felt wrong. This wasn’t home. She had locked the doors to her room.

That's how the past few days had been; she refused to unpack and acclimate to her situation. She watched her phone as she counted down the days until she would have to go to school. Her father and mother both tried to get her to exit the room but failed. She was going to stay that way until her group chat went off,

“Ari? You good? It’s been a few days, and you haven’t answered any of our messages,” It was Jenesis who texted the group chat first. No, Arielle wasn’t ‘good,’ nor would she ever be.

“We are here if you want to talk,” Keaja adds. Arielle didn’t have the energy to respond; if she did, she would break down again. She misses her friends with everything in her.

“Bitch you mad weird for ignoring us,” Her cousin Riley texts. Arielle’s eye twitches in annoyance. Riley was her cousin and twin to Huey. They were named after the characters in Boondocks, and their personalities, funnily enough, also matched the characters. But Arielle wasn’t finding it funny at the moment.

“Riley, bro, chill,” Kyrell responds.

“Yeah, Riley. It’s obvious our cousin is sad,” Huey texts.

“Tighten tf up,” Riley replies.

“I’ll be right back,” Huey texts. There are a few minutes where neither Huey nor Riley text in the group chat.

“Not to side with a man,” Diamond starts.

“Never that,” Selena adds.

“But Riley is right,” Diamond concludes. Emojis are spammed in the chat, most of them being shock and angry. “LET ME SPEAK MY TRUTH!”

“Calm down, pastor,” Carlina texts before sending a bunch of eye roll emojis.

“Don’t hurt em now!” Leon texts. Diamond responded to Leon’s text with a bunch of eye rolls before responding, “Look. Arielle, you know you, my girl. I get this is hard for you. We all do! But are you going to ignore us and be miserable, or are you going to make the best of the situation?” Arielle finally responds,

“Be miserable.”

“There's our girl!” Leon texts.

“Think about it this way,” Huey texts, finally returning to the group chat. “You have two more years, and you are college-bound. Keep your grades up, get a job so you have money, and bid your time. We can all still go to the same college. All you gotta do is graduate.” Arielle sighed. Huey was right, and she hated him for it.

“Also, we will still be able to use FaceTime,” Carlina texts.

“And visit! I expect you to be down soon!” Jenesis texts.

“Yeah, yeah,” Arielle responds and starts to feel slightly better at the familiar banter between herself and her friends. Diamonds and Huey’s words echoed in her head, ‘Are you going to make the best of the situation?’ and ‘Keep your grades up, get a job so you have money, and bid your time.’ She could do this. Arielle gets up and exits her room. She walks downstairs to see her parents at the dining table eating their food as they speak in low voices. When they noticed her, they stopped and stared at her in shock.

“A-Arielle! How are you!” Her mother says. Arielle walks to the kitchen and makes her a plate of food before sitting down at the table.

“I’m fine,” Arielle mutters. Her mother and father look at each other with barely contained hope.

“Great!” Her father grins.

“Are you excited for school tomorrow?” Her mother asks. No! Why the fuck would I be excited for school? I won’t have any friends, and I don’t know my way around the place! You fucked up my life! FUCK YOU!

“I’m indifferent,” Arielle says; if she said what was really on her mind, she’d doubt she’d like the consequences. “Though, I’d prefer to go to school with my friends,” Arielle said, hoping they’d stop trying to talk to her. It does, but only for a second,

“Thomas! Did you tell her about Dante?” Her mother asks.

“Briefly,” Her father mutters, not mentioning why the conversation had been cut briefly. “She does know of him.”

“Well! I asked him to drop you off at school and to show you around!” Her mother says with a wide grin. Motherfucker.

“Great,” Arielle responds bristly because, no, this was not great. She wasn’t going to make friends. She was going to keep her head down, get a job, bid her time, and get the fuck out of here once she graduates. The rest of dinner was thankfully silent. Arielle returned to her room, cluttered with unopened boxes filled with all her clothes. Arielle sighs before she begins to unpack her boxes. She puts her clothes into drawers or the closet; she puts books on shelves, pictures and posters on all the walls. She stops at one box and pulls out a picture of her grandmother's mother, Rosemary. She’d never met Rosemary before but knew she watched over her.

“Please give me the strength and patience to make it to graduation,” Arielle whispers to the picture. She would have to make an altar here, but she didn’t have the time right now, so she had to get ready for bed.

Arielle dreams like she does every night, but this dream feels different. It was as if a presence was engulfing her. The presence was angry and hungry. She had to run, had to leave, but the presence grabbed on to her, unwilling to let her go.

“Arielle!” voices echo around her, and the voices yell, causing the presence to fall away. Arielle shoots up from her bed, panting. She needed to build her altar and fucking cleanse this house because there was no way that was a normal dream.

“Arielle! Your father has already left for work, and I’m leaving right now! Dante will be here in ten minutes! Breakfast is in the microwave!” Arielle heard her mother call. Fuck, she had school today. Arielle got up from her bed, ripped her bonnet and head wrap off, ran downstairs, ate her breakfast before returning upstairs, brushing her teeth, washing her face, and getting dressed. Arielle finishes just in time as someone knocks on her front door. Arielle walks downstairs and to the front door. She opened it and saw a boy her age; he had an umber brown skin tone with cool magenta undertones, and his hair was cropped short, immediately raising a red flag in Arielle’s mind. He had light brown eyes and was tall and lean.

“Arielle?”

“Dante?” Arielle shoots back. Dante smiles,

“Nice to meet you!” For meeting someone he didn’t know, he seemed relaxed. But Arielle didn’t care; she grabbed her backpack, walked outside, closed the door, and locked it. “Ready to go?”

“Ready as I'll ever be,” Arielle replies shortly. Dante leads Arielle to her car and opens the back seat for her; Arielle gets in without complaining. That’s when she noticed someone else was in the car, a black girl her age. “Oh, thank god.” The girl blinked at in confusion,

“What?”

“I thought I was going to be the only black girl at school. I’m so happy you’re here,” Arielle says bluntly. This causes the girl to burst out laughing,

“I’m happy you are here too! I got tired of being the only black girl in school. I’m Neveah, I’m Dante’s girlfriend and the new girl before you.” Neveah was a gorgeous girl with an umber brown skin tone like Arielle and Dante, dark brown eyes, and her hair was done in goddess braids.

“Looks like I took your title, but I’m glad you're his girlfriend. Not gonna lie; I thought we were the only black kids here. I thought he was going to be a coon,” Arielle admits, which causes Neveah to laugh again.

“I can still hear you both,” Dante huffs as he gets into the driver's seat. “I’m not a coon!”

“He was before he met me; don’t like his pretty face fool you. He was the only black kid in town before I got here,” Neveah says with a playful smirk.

“So, we three are the only black kids?” Arielle asks.

“In our grade, yeah, but I’m pretty sure there are some other black kids in the school. I’m not sure,” Dante says as he starts the car and begins to drive.

“Where are y’all from?” Arielle asks; she knows she shouldn’t get attached to these people, but she feels safe around these two.

“I was born in New York but moved here when I was like six,” Dante says.

“Chicago. Moved here in middle school,” Neveah explains.

“New Orleans. What’s the rest of our grade lookin' like?” Arielle asks.

“They’re a bunch of assholes,” Neveah replies with a huff.

“They aren’t all bad,” Dante argues, but Neveah shoots him a look. “I mean…a few of them aren’t that bad.”

“Jeez, what the hell goes on in y’all school?” Arielle asks.

“Our school,” Neveah corrects before continuing, “a bunch of bullshit. It’s something every day in this hell hole. I’d stick with me or Dante because someone found out there was a new student coming here this year. It’s spread through the whole town.”

“Damn, y’all get excited for one new student?” Arielle asks.

“You would too if all you saw were the same faces every year,” Dante states.

“The only way you're gonna see a new person in this town is if they’re passing through or if someone is having a baby. People don’t move here often,” Neveah shrugs.

“Who would? This place looks like a fucking sundown town,” Arielle scoffs. Neveah laughs,

“If that ain’t the truth!”

“It’s not a sundown town,” Dante rolls his eyes. “Give this place a chance; I think you will like it here.” Arielle could see Neveah shake her head discreetly at her; Arielle couldn’t help but smile.

“I doubt it, but I’m glad to have you two, at least,” Arielle admits. Maybe she can survive to graduation.

“Nah, you only have me,” Neveah corrects again, which causes Arielle to frown in confusion. “You do NOT want to hang out with Dante’s friends. Bunch of assholes.”

“Come on,” Dante sighs. “They’re not that bad, and they’re my best friends. They were the only people to let me hang out with them when I first started school here.” Arielle couldn’t imagine being the only black kid in a grade. She hopes whatever Dante went through he’s healed from it.

“Fine,” Neveah scoffs. “Mitch is nice.” Dante rolls his eyes,

“Of course you like Mitch.” Neveah smirks,

“Are you jealous, my love?”

“NO!” Dante denied, but Neveah turned to Arielle,

“For context, Mitch was voted third hottest boy in school last year. Dante got fourth.”

“Y’all do that shit here?” Arielle frowns.

“WE don’t do it. Every year some punk bitch posts on an anonymous account ranking every boy and girl in our grade. We still haven’t found out who it is,” Neveah sneers before putting a hand on Dante's thigh. “Don’t worry my love; you are number one in my heart, and if it makes you feel better I didn’t even get top 20.”

“Which is stupid! You are the hottest girl in school,” Dante argued. “No one can match your beauty, baby.” Arielle had to admit these two were cute, but she didn’t want to be here if they got lovey-dovey. She’s already traumatized as is she didn’t need to see this shit. But before either party could continue, Dante parked in front of the school. “Welcome to Silverlake High!” Dante says before getting out of the car.

“The most ghetto school you will ever attend,” Neveah adds as Dante opens her door for you. Neveah gets out, and to Arielle's surprise, Dante also opens the door for her. Arielle gets out of the car and looks up at the high school. It was an indoor school that looked like it had four to five floors. Kids walk into the school, talking, laughing, or complaining. It was the first day of school, and there were lots of mixed emotions.

“Let’s show you to the office,” Dante says as he grabs Neveah’s hand.

“Alright,” Arielle agrees; it’s not like she knew where she was going. Dante and Neveah lead Arielle through the school's first floor. Once they walk in, the hallways go quiet for a brief second before whispers break out.

“Ignore them,” Neveah says, and Arielle was already planning on doing that. As they continue deeper into the school, Arielle notices voices getting louder, and Dante and Neveah suddenly stop, causing Arielle to stop. Arielle turns to the loud voices and sees a group of boys.

“Oh shit,” Dante huffs.

“Your friends are at it again,” Neveah scoffs. There were two groups of boys arguing with each other. Neveah turned to Arielle and pointed at the first group of boys, “Those are my lovely boys friends. That one right there is Mitch.” Neveah points to a boy with light brunette hair and hazel eyes; he is tall but not as tall as Dante and is built like a linebacker. Mitch was the one doing all the yelling and looked extremely pissed. “That boy next to him is Kenny.” Next to him stood an Asian boy who was a foot shorter than Mitch; he had black hair and eyes and was wearing a smirk as he jeered at the other group of boys. “Behind him is Alejandro, but never call him that; call him Alex.” Alex was taller than Dante, which surprised Arielle; he had tan, white skin, dark black hair, blue braces, and dark brown eyes. Arielle couldn’t tell he was Latino at first glance; the boy was white passing as hell.

“Just give me a moment,” Dante says, letting go of Neveah’s hand as he rushes over to help his friends and de-escalate the situation.

“There he goes,” Neveah sighs, shaking her head.

“Who’s the other group?” Arielle asks.

“Oh, well, the one arguing with Mitch is Evan,” Neveah starts. Evan was around Dante’s height and had dark brown hair and blue eyes. “The boy next to him is Ryan, also known as the community dick.” Ryan looked like an all-American boy, almost as tall as Alex, skinny but well-built, with blond hair, blue eyes, and braces. But Arielle could tell something was lurking underneath. She doesn’t know if it’s her intuition or a gut feeling, but something is off with the boy. “Then you have one of the smartest kids in school, Vincent.” Vincent was also pretty tall and had brown hair, green eyes, and freckles. “Then you have the biggest asshole in this school, Christen. My advice is to stay away from this guy. His own friends don’t even like him.” Christen was the shortest out of all the boys, but that wasn’t saying much because all of them were pretty tall. He was also built like a linebacker; he had blond hair and blue eyes. Arielle doesn’t know why, but for some reason she knows in her bones this guy is dangerous.

“If they don’t like him, why do they hang around him?” Arielle asks.

“Probably because they know firsthand that he’s fucking crazy. He’s definitely not the strongest in school, like at all. He’s never won a fight, but he’s vindictive and vengeful. He doesn’t need to fight you to hurt you. Like I said, stay away from him,” Neveah repeated.

“Who’s the strongest in the school,” Arielle asks.

“Alex and Vincent,” Neveah states.

“They must fight a lot for y’all to know that,” Arielle comments.

“Alex, yeah. He’s always getting into fights, but he only fights if he’s provoked,” Neveah says.

“What provokes him?” Arielle asks.

“I have no fucking clue, but the guy goes off when people disrespect him, which honestly same,” Neveah shrugs. “But Vincent doesn’t fight a lot, but when he does fight, that shit ends as soon as it’s started. He might never start a fight, but he sure as hell knows how to end one.”

“Good to know,” Arielle says and looks at each group. She’s getting bad vibes and doesn’t know why. “I have a feeling these two groups are always in trouble.” Neveah laughs,

“You have no fucking idea! The school is split between them. They’re either on Alex’s ‘team’ or Evan’s ‘team’. I know, so fucking stupid. But all the guys pick a side for some damn reason.”

“What about the girls?” Arielle asks

“Oh hell nah, we stay out of that bullshit. A few of the girls choose a side, but that’s because they’re dating someone from each side,” Neveah explains.

“What happens if you don’t choose a side?” Arielle asks because she definitely wasn’t choosing one. This shit sounds so stupid. This town must be boring as hell if people are creating Teen Beach Movie rivalries.

“If you're a girl, nothing. If you’re a boy, you become a social outcast,” Neveah explains.

“That’s stupid as fuck,” Arielle replies bluntly.

“No arguments from me. I never said it was smart,” Neveah shrugs before turning back to the arguing boys. The argument was heating up, which caused Neveah to groan in annoyance. “Fuck this. Let’s just go to the office.”

“You leaving Dante?” Arielle asks.

“He’ll be ight,” Neveah shrugs, and she begins to lead Arielle to the office.

When they get to the office, Arielle sees a boy in the corner of the room. He’s reading a book about the paranormal and shaking.

“Oh, that’s Lucian. One of the social outcasts,” Neveah whispers. Lucian had blond hair that went to his shoulders and was unkempt, he had green eyes, freckles, and was short.

“Why is he shaking?” Arielle asks. It was more like vibrating, really; it was like he was cold or something.

“I think he has some disorder I don’t know,” Neveah shrugs.

“Can I help you girls?” Neveah and Arielle turn to see a woman at the front desk, and Arielle physically keeps herself still. There was darkness around this woman, and it made her uneasy.

“This is the new student, Arielle…?” Neveah trails off.

“Arielle Baptiste,” Arielle supplies hesitantly. She did not want to give her name to this woman, you should never give your name to people who might do you harm. Names are powerful things, and she does not want to be cross.

“What a beautiful name!” The woman says. “But unfortunately, we don’t have all your classes.” The woman slides a sheet of paper filled with different types of classes. “So, could you fill this out so we can make your schedule?”

“Yeah, of course,” Arielle mutters as she grabs the paper. Arielle had to calm herself; she had to be paranoid from last night's dream. This woman was being kind to her and was not showing any ill will to her. Maybe the woman herself had been crossed or hexed that’s why she was covered in darkness. She wishes Riley or her Grandmother was here; they were good at telling people’s intentions. Especially her grandmother. Riley didn’t believe in or practice their ancestral practices, but he could tell someone’s intentions by just looking at them. Her grandma could tell if this woman had it out for her or needed her help by just looking at her. Arielle wasn’t that far in her journey yet, but she will get there one day.

“Arielle?” Neveah asks as she snaps her fingers in front of her.

“Oh! Sorry. What were you saying?” Arielle asks.

“I said you should join cheerleading! It’s really fun, and it can help you make new friends. Tryouts are this Friday after school!” Neveah says.

“I’ll think about it,” Arielle muttered as she filled in the sheet. Neveah kept pointing to classes she should join because they would share. Arielle only did a few because she wasn’t interested in most of Neveah's classes. After she finished, she handed the sheet to the lady at the desk.

“Thank you! Let me just make your schedule. It will only take a moment,” the lady says, grabbing the paper and walking into the back. It takes a few more minutes until the lady comes back and hands her the paper. “Here you go! I hope you enjoy your classes. Come to me if you need help or to change any of them. Alright?”

“Thank you,” Arielle nods bristly before practically dashing to the exit, Neveah following close behind. By the time they exit the office, the bell rings, indicating the homeroom.

“Damn! Thought we would have more time! We should get going!” Neveah says. One of the classes they shared was homeroom, so they walked together.

When they entered the home room, the class was mostly empty. She recognized a few faces, like Dante, and some she didn’t. Neveah sits next to Dante, and Arielle sits next to her. Unfortunately for Arielle, all of Dante’s friends were there. Mitch and Kenny stare at her hard.

“Do y’all have a problem?” Arielle grits out.

“Yeah, fix y’all’s fucking faces. You’re embarrassing me,” Dante hisses before turning to Neveah and Arielle. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t walk with y’all to the office. I had to make sure Alex didn’t kill Evan.” Dante kissed Neveah’s hands in apology, which Arielle found extremely cute.

“All is forgiven, my dear. Where is the bastard anyway?” Neveah asks.

“He’s ditching,” Mitch supplies. “So how do y’all know each other?”

“Arielle's parents are my next-door neighbors. Her parents asked mine if I could drop her off and show her around school,” Dante explains.

“Well, you failed at the first part,” Kenny points out, which causes Dante to deflate.

“Which is y’all��s fault!” Neveah hisses. “Always causing drama for my boyfriend.”

“Hey!” Kenny and Mitch yell.

“I didn’t start that argument! It was Mitch’s fault!” Kenny huffs.

“My fault!?” Mitch hisses. “Mackenzie broke up with me two days ago and is now with Ryan’s dirty dick ass! I have every right to ask if they were going behind my back!” Mitch looked like he was about to cry, but Arielle couldn’t blame him. If her boyfriend broke up with her two days ago to end up with some bitch seconds after, she’d be pissed too.

“No offense, but you only have yourself to blame,” Kenny huffs.

“What!?” Mitch exclaims.

“Mackenzie is a bit of a-“ Kenny doesn’t get to finish his sentence because a new girl's voice cuts into a conversation.

“A bit of a what?” Arielle turns to see a new girl with straight black hair, brown eyes, and pale white skin.

“Hey, Phoebe,” Kenny grins sheepishly. Phoebe scoffs and sits behind Neveah.

“Hey, Phoebe. Is your morning going well?” Neveah asks.

“No, Evan got punched in the eye because of Mitch's best friend,” Phoebe sneers out the last part. Mitch looks away. Phoebe then turns to Arielle, eyes going wide. “Oh! Excuse me. I’m Phoebe. I’m the cheer captain, and Mackenzie is my best friend.”

“Ouch,” Neveah says with fake hurt, which causes Phoebe to roll her eyes,

“We both know your best friend is Dante,” Neveah smirked and shrugged, not denying the statement.

“I’m Arielle; I just moved here.”

“Obviously. I’ve never seen you here before. It’s nice to meet you.” Phoebe says.

“Likewise,” Arielle gives her a small smile, which Phoebe returns. More and more kids come into the room. A girl with white tanned skin and long, wavy blond hair sits beside Phoebe. She introduces herself as Mackenzie. The bell rings again, indicating everything should be there and in their seats. But there is no teacher there. Everyone is talking, unbothered. “Where’s the teacher?”

“Hm? Oh, Mr. Macdonald. He’s our homeroom teacher and is late every day. He probably won’t be here until like 20 minutes in,” Neveah explains.

“What the hell?” Arielle scoffs. “Why?”

“Who knows,” Neveah shrugs.

“Fucking bitches maybe,” Kenny smirked playfully; Arielle didn’t laugh. Arielle looked around the classroom and noticed Lucian was reading his paranormal book in the back corner of the classroom. If the kid only knew what was really out there, it would put his little book to shame. The room suddenly goes quiet, and Arielle looks to see Evan, Vincent, Ryan, Christen, and another boy walking into the classroom. The other boy was short and nervous-looking, fidgeting with the end of his sleeves. He had dirty brown hair, blue eyes, and freckles. He was also sporting a black eye on his face, similarly to Evan’s. But while Evan’s looked fresh, the boy looked like he had that one for days.

“Kiyès sa?” Arielle asks in a whisper. Neveah stares at her in confusion, and Arielle realizes her mistake. " Who’s that?”

“Oh, that’s Blaine. The school's punching bag and Ryan’s best friend, kinda,” Neveah whispers lowly.

“The school's punching bag?” Arielle asks with a frown.

“Yeah, the whole school bullies him. He’s not the only one, just the main one. He never fights back, which is so… ugh,” Neveah grumbles.

“He brings it on to himself; he hangs out with Christen all the time. What does he expect!” Phoebe says coldly.

“Yeah, but if you want to mess with him, don’t do it in front of Ryan. Ryan is like super protective over him,” Mackenzie had a valley girl voice, which reminded Arielle of white chicks. Ryan suddenly sits next to Mackenzie, kissing her neck,

“Hey, Bebe,” Ryan's voice was rough.

“Hey, Bebe!” Mackenzie grins flirtatiously. Arielle can see Mitch give Mackenzie a pathetic look, which Mackenzie ignores. After Ryan finishes kissing Mackenzie's neck, his eyes land on Arielle. Only one thought goes through her head: 'Oh hell, nah.’

“You’re the new girl,” Ryan states with a flirtatious smirk. Evan and Vincent were so deep in conversation as they sat next to Ryan, Christen, and Blaine that they didn’t even look up from each other. When Ryan spoke, they all looked up. Evans's eyes barely registered Arielle. They land on Phoebe, and he grins like an idiot.

“Phoebe! How are you today?” Evan asks. Phoebe blushes slightly,

“I’d be better if you didn’t have a black eye.” Arielle turns to Neveah with a raised eyebrow, and Neveah shakes her head. So those two weren’t together but crushing on each other hard-core.

“Um,” Vincent mutters, catching Arielle's attention; he’s staring hard, which slightly bugs Arielle. “I’m-“ Vincent doesn’t get to finish his sentence because Christen speaks,

“Who fucking cares if there’s a new girl! We need to get back at Alex’s ass!” Vincent sneers,

“Shut the fuck up!”

“Or what!? You going to let Alex pussy y’all out?” Christen sneers.

“You’re one to talk! You can’t even fight!” Evan argues.

“Don’t flip this on me! You are just mad; you're weak!” Christen argues.

“Christen fuck off!” Phoebe cuts in with a sneer.

“Or what bitch?” Christen sneers back. A dark look dawns on Phoebe's face, causing Christen to sweat,

“We don’t want a repeat of last year, do we?” Christen sneers at her but stops talking. Arielle turned to Neveah again in confusion.

“They fought last year. Phoebe won,” Neveah explains simply. Arielles dislike for Christen grew. But Arielle is snapped out of her thoughts when a dark presence enters her consciousness; her head snaps toward the door. Someone was coming; she could hear their steps. With each step that came closer, the presence made itself more known and more threatening. The person who enters is an older man boarding on elderly; he has gray and blue eyes. He looked so nonthreatening that it gave her whiplash. Arielle stared at the man silently; she had only felt a presence like this before when her grandmother was cleansing a place corrupted by evil entities. Or the one time she came across a fully corporeal demon. This man didn’t look like a powerful demon or evil entity; he just looked like a normal elderly man. But looks can be deceiving.

“All of you shut the fuck up!” Mr. Macdonald yells, causing the class to go quiet. “I’m going to be calling your names; say here when I do!” Mr. Macdonald then began to call out people’s names, and they would respond with here.

“Fuck, Mitch, where’s Alex?” Dante whispers.

“He’s ditching,” Mitch mutters.

“It’s literally the first day of school!” Dante hisses, and Mitch just shrugs helplessly. While they were talking, Arielle pulled out her phone and texted the group chat her cousins were in,

“Bruh, my homeroom teacher is a fucking demon.”

“What? Srs?” Diamond was the first person to reply.

“Yes, I’m fucking serious!” Arielle responds.

“Don’t make it obvious, you know. Pretend you don’t know, so it won’t target you,” Huey texts.

“Is it really a demon? Or is it some sort of entity?” Pharrell texts.

“Idk!!!! All I know is whatever it is, it’s powerful asf!” Arielle texts.

“Arielle Baptiste!” Mr. Macdonald calls Arielle's name. Arielle flinches hard and drops her phone. Everyone is staring at her.

“I’m here,” Arielle says. Mr. Macdonald turns to her, his head tilts in curiosity. Fuck he knows, he knows, and he’s going to kill her.

“You’re new!” Mr. Macdonald comments.

“Yes,” Arielle mutters, keeping the conversation as short as possible. Mr. Macdonald’s eyes narrow, and Arielle swears they go pitch black. The air is taken from her lungs, but some yelps, and everyone in class turns to Lucian. Lucian dropped his book and was looking at Mr. Macdonald. Did Lucian see Mr. Macdonald's eyes change? He had to; there was no reason for him to yell anyway. Mr. Macdonald looks down at his chart and continues to call names. Arielle sighed in relief; she dodged a bullet. But only for today. She was going to have to keep flying under the radar. Arielle mind reels suddenly as she remembers that Mr. Macdonald wasn’t the only one with the dark corruption around them, so was the front desk lady. Were there other people who were corrupted or possessed? Arielle comes to another realization that she doesn’t even know what this is. Arielle shakes her head and begins to look for her phone, but she doesn’t find it.

“Here it is.” Arielle looks up and sees Vincent holding her phone out to her. She could see her group chat blowing up with unopened messages. Arielle grabs her phone,

“Thanks.” She opened her phone and saw that everyone was either asking if she was okay or what had happened. “I’ll text y’all later; I don’t want to get caught with my phone.” Arielle then put her phone in her pocket. As homeroom slowly came to a close, Arielle couldn’t help but think, ‘Are there more people with this dark presence over them?’

Her question is answered in her next class, then her next class, and every single period until school had ended. Every single adult she had encountered had a dark presence covering them like a black shadow. Some were weaker and still there, but others were way more powerful, like Mr. Macdonald. As Arielle exited her school at the end of the day, she was left with so many questions that she didn’t know what to do. She was at her assigned locker; she was leaning inside as she texted her cousins. Most of them had the same idea, leave this shit alone. As Arielle sighed and was about to turn off her phone, Huey sent her a private text,

“You said every adult in the school has some sort of dark presence over them?”

“I’m not sure; I’ve only really seen it over my teachers and the lady in the office,” Arielle responds.

“Okay, but if it’s over the adults, why not the kids there? Dark presences like that don’t just stay in one place; they spread,” Huey texts.

“Why is it only over the adults?” Arielle asks.

“Idk, you are the one there. Is it over your parents,” Huey asks.

“Nah, I would’ve sensed it when my dad picked me up,” Arielle states.

“Unless they’re hiding it because they know your grandma trained you,” Huey responds. Arielle frowns before texting,

“No, not possible. My mom converted to Christianity before I was born. She doesn’t even believe in what my grandma does.”

“The last time she saw you, you were 8. It’s been years since you last saw her; her opinion could’ve changed, and she has knowledge about the other side. She could be hiding it from you,” Huey responds.

“But why?” Arielle asks. It doesn’t make sense, but then again, none of this makes sense.

“Idk, you figure it out. Keep me updated; something about this isn’t right. My head is starting to hurt,” Huey texts. Arielle's eyebrows go up; that’s definitely not a good sign. Where Riley had excellent intentions, Huey gets headaches where he can actually predict the future or see shit.

“See anything?” Arielle asks.

“Darkness,” Huey responds. Arielle frowns in disappointment,

“So nothing.”

“No,” Huey disagrees. “I see darkness.” Arielle felt the air on the back of her neck go up. That’s definitely not scary at all. Arielle gets another message from Neveah,

“Come on! We are dropping you off at home! We are out front!”

“Okay,” Arielle responds before putting her phone in her pocket as she leans out of her locker. Her locker slams shut as a familiar boy leans against it. Ryan. He smirks at her,

“Hey, gorgeous.” Arielle's eye involuntarily twitches in annoyance. She tries to keep the annoyance off her face. “What’s with the face? You look like I’m annoying you.” She has failed to keep it off her face.

“I’m kinda busy at the moment,” Arielle huffs.

“With that?” Ryan asks, his face is still playful and relaxed even at her hostility.

“Leaving,” Arielle states before walking past him, but unfortunately for her, he follows.

“So soon?” Ryan asks with a playful pout.

“Don’t you have a girlfriend?” Arielle huffs, walking faster.

“She doesn’t have to know,” Ryan smirks, and Arielle turns on her heel to face the boy. Ryan stops with sudden surprise. She hated boys like this, who play with girls' feelings because they can. Even though she didn’t particularly like Mackenzie because she possibly cheated on Mitch with Ryan. But she wasn’t going to get in the middle of that drama.

“Leave me alone! I’m not interested in dirty dick, cheating-“ Arielle is cut off when she puts her finger on Ryan’s chest. The feeling overwhelmed her to the point she jumped back in fear. She finally realized what was off about this boy. It was death. Death clung around the boy like wet clothes did to a body. This boy is very familiar with death, and Arielle does not like that, like at all. She couldn’t help the words that fell from her lips, “What are you?” Ryan’s smile finally drops, and he frowns in confusion before his expression morphs into something more serious,

“What?” Arielle spins on her heels and dashes down the hallway. She didn’t mean to say that out loud, but she needed to stay away from that boy. Being so close to death that it literally clings to him isn’t good.

The drive back to her house was quiet, well, mostly. Neveah and Dante spoke a lot, but Arielle barely spoke. She was too deep in thought. The adults in the school being covered in darkness, Ryan having death cling to him, and Lucian seeing Mr. Macdonald's eyes change. Arielle didn’t know what was going on, and she had two choices. Either to investigate or ignore it. A part of Arielle really wanted to ignore it; she needed to focus on her grades so she could graduate with a full-ride scholarship and find a job in case she couldn’t get a scholarship. But the dream she had last night, the dark presence trying to reach out to her, trying to…do something to her. If it was going to come for her once, it would do it again. Entities are persistent and they have time.

��You excited for the pep rally tomorrow?” Neveah asks.

“Hm?” Arielle is pulled from her thoughts. “Yeah. Will the cheer team be there?”

“Hell yeah!” Neveah giggles.

“Same with the football team,” Dante adds.

“There's a football team here?” Arielle says with surprise. “Who do y’all play?”

“Obviously, there’s a football team here. Why else would there be a cheer team,” Neveah states.

“We play other towns,” Dante supplies.

“How far are the other towns?” Arielle asks.

“The closest one is an hour away,” Dante explains.

“Jesus,” Arielle mutters.

“Oh!” Neveah exclaims. “I forgot to mention that Dante is throwing a back-to-school party this Friday! You should totally come!” Arielle didn’t want to go to a party; how could she even party in these conditions?!

“Yeah! Sure,” Arielle says with a small smile. Dante parks in front of Arielle’s house,

“I’ll pick you up again tomorrow!”

“Text me later? Yeah?” Neveah asks.

“Yeah! Yeah,” Arielle nods before exiting the car. Both of her parent's cars were gone; Arielle entered her house and saw that it was empty. She goes up into her room; she has a lot of shit to get done today. She finished unpacking her room, put an altar in her closet, and cleansed the house. She puts a horseshoe above her door for protection. It was hard to cleanse her house since she didn’t have a lot of stuff with her. Arielle was used to asking her grandmother for things; her grandmother always had vinegar, sage, or rosemary. But Arielle’s grandmother wasn’t here; she was on her own. Arielle had to grab spices from the cabinet and work with what was there. Once Arielle finished, she took a shower. Once she got out, she noticed something: powerful dark energies had entered the house. She ran to the stairs in her towel and saw her parents.

“Arielle! What is that smell!” Her father hissed. Huey was right; whatever is corrupting the adults at school also has her parents. If it has all the adults in the school and her parents, does this entity have more adults around the town? Does it have all the adults in town?

“Febreze! I was cleaning,” Arielle lies as she stares at them.

“Well, don’t spray so much,” Her mother says as she hangs her coat and looks up at her. “Why are you in a towel? Go get dressed; I brought dinner!” Arielle doesn’t need to be told twice; she rushes to her room. She grabbed her phone and texted Huey,

“You were right.”

“Usually am,” Huey responds. “What’s the plan?”

“I don’t know. I’m still thinking,” Arielle responds. Arielle knew she couldn’t ignore her parents forever; it would make them suspicious. So she got dressed and went downstairs to eat with them. But to her surprise, they were leaving again. “Where are you going?”

“Well, my love. We both work two jobs because we want to give you a good life. We brought you dinner; you should be fine,” Her father says.

“We love you!” her mother says before they both exit the door. Arielle is silent; she had a gut feeling they weren’t going to a second job. She eats dinner alone before she heads back to her room. Arielle goes to her altar and asks,

“Please give me some guidance on what to do. I need help.” After that, she goes to bed, and as always, she dreams again. She sees a person they have blond hair, but other than that, she can’t pick out the details. But what she does know is that she needs to find this person.

[bigfeelingstiedtongue]

i remember being in 7th grade, getting home from class and seeing my mother bawling her eyes out in the bedroom. next thing i know she's screaming about how my dad cheated on her with the woman she's always been worried about since before he went abroad for work.

even now, a decade later, that image still haunts me

the weeks that followed were filled with more sorrow and rage from the family than i could handle.

i remember family from my mother's side; aunts, uncles, grandparents, nearly every single one - they spoke in hushed whispers and angry mutters behind closed doors, cursing my father for what he'd done when they thought my brothers and i weren't listening.

my mother spent the next few weeks working her way through multiple dating apps, video calling with random men and asking me "how would you feel about this man becoming your father?".

how was i supposed to respond to that? i was barely in highschool. the harshness of the world was still so foreign to me and you spring that question on me repeatedly. in what world is that ever okay?

was i supposed to say "yes, i'm completely fine with having a new dad" and smile like i wasn't confused why i needed a new one to begin with?

the years until now have been filled with passive aggression. backhanded comments made with forced smiles immediately replaced by grimaces and venomous words in private spaces. i knew something was wrong then, but i didn't understand the full weight of it until i was a little bit older.

they both tell me it's better off this way, that they have no intention of ever reconciling. it was never going to be an easy pill to swallow but somehow i was still caught off guard. it still hurt in a way i didn't know how to cope with other than isolation and numbness. if it really was better off this way, it never felt like it. if it was better off this way, why did it seem so unnecessarily painful for everyone involved?

i can only wonder what my brothers felt. they were barely in elementary then. sometimes i still drown in the guilt. i thought that i was too focused on myself to acknowledge that it affected them too. but i am slowly learning to accept that i was way too young to be carrying that baggage myself

my shoulders weren't meant to carry the weight of their sins. my heart was not supposed to be burdened by problems caused by adults who should have known better.

i started writing at the back of one of my school notebooks soon after. little poems and letters; words i could never utter out loud. i was never the bravest person, always preferring the safe and comfortable. i keep telling myself i'm waiting for the right time, but if i let myself acknowledge it, my patience reveals itself to be fear and hesitation.

because what difference would the truth make at this point? it's all been said and done and asking now is just digging up old wounds.

still though, one day, i want to be able to look my father in the eye ask to hear his side of the story. i've heard it from my mother's perspective, supported by commentary from my grandmother who, until now, still spits vitriol about my father whenever she gets the chance.

but i've never heard it from his side. maybe i'll hear that he never loved my mother and it was always supposed to be the other woman. maybe it was a moment of weakness and he fell victim to temptation. maybe it was some other convoluted plot that i know absolutely nothing about.

i don't know what i want to hear. i don't even know if the truth with make me feel even the slightest bit satisfied. whatever the case, it might just give me the closure i've been looking for.

i feel as though a small part of me will always resent my father for ruining what could have been. but maybe he wasn't happy with us. it all comes back to i don't fucking know what happened so i dont know how to feel. it's a jumbled mess of what if and could have beens that constantly taunt me.

i want to be rid of this constant feeling of being astray. but until i muster up the courage to ask for the truth, i'm just stuck i guess.

[erisluna35ocblog]

On my OCs' relationships with their respective mothers...

Keagan

They're cordial but with a lot of issues neither know how to discuss. Keagan's a bit of a troublemaker, see. He's doing it for attention cause his parents are always too busy for him. While his mother, Eileen, she's the less strict parent. She understands what its like, can empathize with why he's like this. She was a child like him once. Much like her son, Eileen didn't get much attention either. So unfortunately, she doesn't know how to mother. She awkwardly tries to compensate by giving Keagan presents. Thankfully, having alternative parental figures through Shizuke and Fiona's families, his teacher and his uncle and aunt, he's grown to be more understanding of his parents as he grew older. They're both fuck ups but he's come to understand they at least tried. I doubt they'll ever become a close tight knit family, there's just less bad blood than there could've been had he not had competent adults to take care of him.

Fiona

She gets along pretty well with her mother, Bel. Even idolizes her. She was the cool parent who gets it, unlike her uncool glitzy dad. One of the first people she felt she could be open to. Definitely tries to emulate her chill, strong, loyal and the way her mother is often praised by others as a good listener. Definitely more of a momma's girl.

Shizuke

Mild wacky parent - serious child vibes. Shizuke takes after his grandmother the most after all, which includes being far better at house chores than his clumsy mother, Yuriko. She's a cheerful and extroverted person who could get along with pretty much everyone, something Shizuke wishes he was more like. However, for one reason or another, she doesn't get to directly be there for Shizuke in his teen years. In the OG, it's cause she died while in the MLB au, she has to return to Japan for work reasons. He misses her. She's also the reason why Shizuke's drawn to quirky optimistic or overconfident people like Keagan or Blair.

Natalia

Mommy issues, her mother Meryll is the worst. When she got fed up with the role of housewife, she ditches her family, including her three daughters. Very self centered. Yet, a few years later, they meet again and her mother is actually impressed with how talented Natalia is. She takes after her mother after all. Everything exceptional about her, she inherited from her mother. This is why she considered taking back Natalia, though it's only because she sees the girl as an extension of herself. Natalia resents her for only ever putting herself first above her own daughters - she doesn't even care for Natalia's sisters who weren't exceptional enough in her eyes. Natalia has self loathing and abandonment issues because of her mother. It's worse in the OG because she's clearly a sea witch like her mother, unlike her sisters who were more mermaid like their father.

Damien

Granted, I don't really put much emphasis on his mother in particular cause both of his parents are on a similar boat. Vaguely elitist, putting their pride above everything and as their son, it's Damien's duty to uphold their pride. But they'd both drop him like a hot potato when he failed. So he's never close to them. He tries his best to protect his little brother from them.

Zephyr

This one is built on irony. In the OG, Liera is initially presented as some sort of antagonist trying to get her son to sign a magical contract he vehemently refuses to sign, to the point of running away from home. So Keagan and the rest of the group did their best to keep her away from him. Then it turns out the magical contract was for Zephyr to transfer his curse, which was slowly killing him, to her. So she could suffer in his place. It's supposed to be reflective of how Liera isn't the best mom but she is well intended. Liera got Zephyr in her teens, too young to be a mom but she did her best anyway. She resents she couldn't get Zephyr the best life as she and her husband are on the run and could only earn money through theft and cons... Taking the curse for him, she sees it as the least she could do. But Zephyr loves his parents, for better or worse, and wanted to hold out hope he could find a way to break the curse by travelling with the prince. However in the MLB AU, Liera is just terminally ill and Zephyr isn't taking it well to the point of getting constantly akumatized the week he found out.

Blair and Blake

They both consider their mother to be the sun in their lives. A woman who shines as brilliantly as the sun. Bianca is the epitome of their ideals: a strong sense of justice and love for her family. Even moreso in the MLB AU where she's a literal superhero, albeit an unsung one who stayed in the shadows. Blair more openly looks up to her, trying her best to emulate her (however people say in the inside, she's more like her dad). Blake however, is uninentionally more like his mother. As ruthless as the twins have grown ever since their parents died, there will always be a part of them that wishes they could be more like their mother. There's a heavy implication that the twins are attracted to their respective love interests because they see a bit of her in them. Even in death, she has a heavy influence in how the twins are like. Their parents are always at the back of their minds.

[majormeilani]

riding off the emotions of last night,

i did actually end up confronting my grandmother and my uncle about their shitty behavior and i got the absolutely most deranged response i've EVER heard from them and not a single thing they said to me felt like a genuine apology.

the first thing i said to my grandmother was expressing that i don't feel respected by her and how she always makes excuses for my uncle making shitty comments and being an asshole and i asked her 'why do you always stick up for him when he says shitty things about me or my siblings' and her first response to me was '... because he's my son.'

and i was like ......... WHAT?!!!??!!

and i exploded from anger at that statement and barked back at her 'but i am your granddaughter. do my feelings not matter???' and then she fussed at me for yelling like 'you don't have to yell..' and i was like NO bitch i do need to yell and this coaxed my coward ass whiny bitch of an uncle out of his room because i was 'yelling at his mommy' cry me a fucking river

and then my brother stepped in on my behalf and lit them both the fuck up and called my grandmother something insulting but true and said she's only cared about herself, which is true, and then shit escalated to the point where my uncle threatened to call the cops on my brother and then kept telling him to leave and apologize to our grandmother, because they're both kiss ass bitches to each other and enable their bullshit. and then things escalated further to the point where my uncle ended up trying to remove my brother physically from the house, essentially assaulting him. and after that my brother just ended up waiting out in the car.

and after all that my uncle starts preaching to me about how he's 'always cared about us and loved us with his whole heart' and starts talking about how he 'doesn't understand how things ended up like this with our relationship' and sheds some crocodile tears about how he's so heartbroken that we don't love him back and whatever, when he's the one who literally made my brother suicidal since he was 6 years old with how shitty things he'd always treated us. and he has the audacity to try and appeal to me by bringing up the fact that my parents had a divorce and it's what 'ruined everything we had as a family' when motherfucker it was you acting like a piece of shit that ruined things between us, constantly bullying us and putting us down and saying hurtful things that my grandmother just excused as 'teasing' motherfucker. dunking my brother's head underwater when he was like ten years old and you're a grown ass man isn't fucking teasing. i would strangle you with my bare hands if i could, motherfucker.

and then he repeatedly brings up how i we were his 'first little nieces and nephew' and gets all weepy and pathetic again expressing how it breaks his heart and blah blah blah as if WE are hurting HIM for being affected by his shitty behavior?????? and then he mentions his own hardships and how he's not the type to hold grudges he just lets things go and leaves the past behind him and blah blah blah like wowww so hard for you to say your shit behavior wasn't that bad and express how we're somehow bad people for 'holding grudges' like dude.

also him mentioning how we're his first nieces and nephews was something he tried to use as leverage to the fact that 'his relationship with his other nieces and nephews aren't as bad as ours with him' yet they didn't live with him constantly growing up? and be tormented by him day by day? they didn't live with them. they're also children too, who don't know better yet and i'm honestly hoping they realize the true colors of that side of the family when they do grow up because my heart breaks for them being caught up with this shit too. i still can't believe he blamed it all on the divorce tearing shit apart when he's the one who acted that way with us before it happened.

and my grandmother also tried appealing to me too, getting in my face, touching me, and trying to wipe my tears and nose, like i'm a fucking child. and she proceeds to infantilize me by constantly bringing up child me and how she was so excited i was her first granddaughter and how she cried and blah blah blah. she kept bringing up how i was when i was a child and trying to use that to show me that she's always loved me no matter what I thought of her and ect. and then she goes on to try and commend me for my accomplishments and when i step to kinda move away from her, she steps in my way, essentially making a barrier to keep me from leaving while she's speaking. and she asks me if there's a way we can fix things between us and it's like???? that's not for me to figure out. that's her and my uncle's responsibility. they're the one who ruined things, not me. they just kept trying to ask essentially for another chance but that was not going to happen and kept trying to guilt trip me essentially by claiming that it's my choice of what happens, but heavily implying that we should just let it go and give them another chance. but like, it's clear to me these people won't change and it's why they've meant nothing to me. they played no part into shaping the person i am today so what makes them think i'm going to forgive them? they're as good as dead to me.

and guess what? after all of this bullshit they both had the audacity to ask for a hug. like i want your disgusting bodies against mine. fuck. off.

[talesofesther]

It's kinda tough to come in the search of.. unburden, I suppose. I talked to you a little while ago, about some friends and unfortunate things. I wanted to ask, again, how's everthing going.

I am going to use you as my personal... therapist, lol, and take what you said as that I could text here in your requests whenever I needed to, you know, speak about these things.

Things with my best buddy didn't get any better, to be honest.

I still adore them, and I would still kill or be killed for them, but to be honest, knowing that they don't seem to even care at least partially how much I do care for them is dragging me down. Feels almost like a betrayal, you know. I was so careful, building this friendship of mine. Careful of hurting them, of scaring them off, of making them feel comfortable and safe. Turns out, they never seemed to reciprocate those kind of things.

And I am just noticing because I am a clueless idiot. To be honest I've always been kind of.. not dumb, but you know, I just don't take hints haha. I am kind of dumb, actually. It's not even their fault, really, it's mine. That's the worst thing. I could never blame my guy for that. I do love them, still, and I still, as said, would do anything for them. So, guess I have that figured out, even though it still hurts like hell. But to be honest, it's not that bad. It would be worse not to have them at all.

Perhaps they don't adore me as a friend as much as I do adore them, but that's okay. It still brightens my day a little to see them, even if all I can think about is how clear it is that they don't care that much for me, and that I am the blindest person on earth.

About my other friends - haven't talked to them since they haven't talked to me. I am not gonna be the one who runs behind them even when I didn't do anything to deserve this. Not anymore. Not me asking what's wrong, what did I do, when even I don't know what could I have done. It's not fair that I respect them and love them and they just exclude me of their lives, and like if I am some kind of love sick puppy I go behind them like a dog, tail between it's legs.

Today I got this notice, though, from my grandma. I don't have the best relationship with her. Things have been tough with her. But I love her and respect her.

She told me that uh, my mentor is dying. From cancer. She has a 25cm x 15cm tumour, and little ones spread all across her body. Ironic as it is, it's almost 25th of the month; the day when my great grandmother passed away from cancer. The woman who raised me.

This uh, mentor, she used to coach me. I was an athlete. I started when I was 3 years old. I did it for over 10-12 years, with the same woman, going to competitions with her all the time. Now we don't see eachother often, but turns out, I'll never see her again, haha! yeah, go ahead, Mila, joke about your trauma, you lil' asshole.

She is in the hospital right now. Getting treatment. To give her a decent life quality for the time she has left. And I am so, so fucked up. Everything, everything I thought I might have left in the past is just resurfacing right now and I feel so damn stupid cause hell, I can't be that fucking stupid. I don't know how to get over things, and it just makes me feel pathetic. Cause let's be honest, after all, I kind of am.

Everything reminds me of everything and even the slightest thing makes me think and think and think and I feel like I can't breathe. Like if someone has a hold in my heart and is squeezing and squeezing and squeezing and at some point that hold is gonna make it all explode.

My uncle, through my grandma, gave me his backpack to use temporarily yesterday (mine broke and I've been using it anyways for almost a week). That's the closest approach I ever had to him over what? one? two years? I haven't even counted them, to be honest. He abused his wife. My aunt. My grandma made me watch, or well, listen to the audio of the video that she recorded and used in the court after that. He sexually abused her there, and I still can't get over it even if it shouldn't be my place to be mad, but I just can't, because I can't forgive that. That and the fact that it brings me back to times that I don't want to revive. And yet, here we are, and all I can do is go back again and again even if I don't want to.

I can't trust him. Worst thing, is he's been nothing but kind to me all the meanwhile. He used to be my heroe, you know. Someone I loved. Like my father, just that he didn't leave for cigarettes haha! He actually was someone I looked up to. A safe place with my aunt, you know. Someone I trusted, who I actually saw as a father. Even when things got a little hard with my mom he and my aunt would be there. But I just keep going back to my aunt crying, to the own fear I felt when I was in that situation, and when he brushes it off, all I see is a hypocrite. He told me himself of when he hit her. That he knew it wasn't okay. But he never said anything about the other things he did to her.

He used to come home, tell me his version of the story. I felt disgust. Because I, myself, heard the story from my aunt after she reported him.

My grandma didn't stand up for my aunt. She said she would, that what my uncle did was wrong, but first time I said something and laughed bitterly when she defended him she jumped at me. She defends everything and covers him up like if she herself didn't make me listen to that freaking video after she took me outside crying to tell me that her son was a abuser. Of his own wife.

Everything just bottles up and I don't know how to let go.

My mother told me she would talk to me when she is home and I am kind of scared she is gonna kick me out of the house again and I am so, so tired of everything. But it's okay. I'll get out of this.

Guess I just need to put all my shit together, get a job and keep going. It's not like she has the balls to kick me out of the house. Right? my birthday is close though! another day closer to death, yay 👹👹!! and I'm also getting a drivers license, courtesy of my grandma! she always gave the best gifts, even if she sometimes is.. well. You know, family. Everything's gonna be just fine. Everything's gonna get better, I'll just work and try everything I can (that is, if someone finally hires me cause damn, I've been loking for a job for months). I can do this. Or at least, I hope so.

Well, I'm not feeling like if I am going to explode now! I mean still I do, kind of, but not as much, even it it's still there. Guess talking about this really helps after all! have a good night, pal. You know, you don't have to answer. You can just leave this hanging around if you wish, or delete it. It's not a big deal, you don't need to bother yourself with this kind of stuff after how kind and attentive you've been. Take care!

Hello, honey, I'm sorry I took a while to answer you, it's been a busy few days.

But let me tell you one thing first, I wish with all my heart that I could give you a hug right now, genuinely, I just want to hold you and tell you everything is gonna be okay. So imagine I'm giving you a big hug right now, okay? <3

This situation with your friends genuinely breaks my heart, because I've been there, I know how you feel. I've had, and still have, so many friendship that meant the world to me, only for me to realize later that I'm just an afterthought to them. And it hurts, it hurts a lot. There's nothing worse than loving someone and feeling like not even a fraction of that love is being returned to you.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, honestly no one should have to go through something like that. Friendships are not meant to hurt. But I know that, eventually, you'll find someone who appreciates you the way you deserve.

I'm also so sorry about your mentor, I've lost family to cancer and it is such a horrible disease, it's something I wouldn't wish for anyone to go through. Again, feel yourself hugged by me.

And about your uncle. For me, that kind of thing is simply unforgivable, nothing less. I would never be able to see past it. So don't feel bad if you can't forgive him either, and don't feel bad for feeling disgusted at what he did; any sensible person would feel disgusted. It is not your obligation to forgive him, much less accept what he did. Though I understand the struggle, especially if he was someone you looked up to. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Lastly, you're not dumb, you're not pathetic. You're someone who's going through so much shit they don't deserve to go through, and yet you're doing a damn good job of handling it.

Everything will get better, I promise you.

As always sweetheart, I'm here whenever you need to talk. Know that there's someone out there who cares about you and loves you very much; and that's me. <3

[nessie665]

helloo for the fanfic questions id love to hear about #20 for home and #29!!💕💕

20. If you wrote a prequel to [Home], what would it involve?

omg, when I rebloged that post I thought to myself ''I'm gonna keep my answers simple and short, bc that's why people don't talk to me, I never shut up'' but keep it short for that gem of a question? I could NEVER. First of all, thank you so much for your ask <3

My mind immediately went to Christine. Her growth as to become the person she was in the series. That would imply writing about her father's death, her relationship with her foster parents, the loss of them, her working her way up to be able to go to Paris, her discovering her talent, her first relationships with women. All that could be a very meaningful story to tell.

BUT, I'm a messy bitch, so I would instead choose to write about Erika's childhood and teenage years, and her relationship with her family

Erika's relationship with her paternal family was always a big factor in the way I wrote her in that series, and i just never brought it up! I never did, I had all this trauma and lore stuck in my head and I never did anything with it.

In Home's canon, Erika was brought up as Gerald's ''goddaughter'' after her mother's death, but anybody in the Carrière family with 2 brain cells could put 2 plus 2 together and knew she was his daughter. So, even if she couldn't be recognized as such, she was raised as a granddaughter more

Of course, that did stir a lot of controversy. Her grandfather DESPISED her. He hated the image she gave to the family, he was repulsed by Erika's face and just disgusted by her unique behaviors and health problems, not to mention her ethnicity -I have always written Erika as being wasian-. However, he was quite intrigued by Erika's intelligence, so he tolerated her presence as a child. But as she grew older, he would get more and more aggressive with those behaviors.

Those opinions influenced her older aunts and uncles, who then passed that same dislike to their children

Her grandmother (who is actually still alive up to the Home events, remember Gerald was basically a teenage dad, so he is not that old) is a whole liege on her own. A better grandmother than a mother, gives zero fucks and has no chill. She, NEVER stuttered choosing between her granddaughter and her husband, she didn't even think about it

She adored Erika. Not only because of her intelligence, and talent, but of her grace, passion, and creativity; her dark sense of humor and sensitive character, and dotted on her. Fiercely protective of Erika, and presented a blatant favoritism for her, (both bc genuine love and connection, and to compensate for her asshole children) which eventually became a factor in her poor relationship with the rest of the family, and later, to their own.

But moving on, after her grandfather died, the whole family began turning on each other, and Erika was just the easiest to point with a finger. After all, her being a child born out-of-wedlock was a big tension point at the time, and the fact that her very existence seemed to cause countless conflicts in her grandparents' marriage.

Not all of them were bad, but she did eventually cut contact with all of them, by getting out of the county as a teenager, and returning way too scarred to ever initiate contact again. I feel Erika has a very forgiven heart, mostly because of her desire to being loved, so she may forgive them one day.

She still has contact with her grandma, tho sporadically, and she has no idea Erika is in the same country as her, Erika would love to see her again one day. She likes to think her grandmother would love Christine, but knows she would side eye her once she learned she was an actress first.

So yeah, that's my choice, I would do a speed run through 30 something years of Carrière family drama.

[brokentoys]

coming up with puzzler has been a fun journey. because initially, when i started this blog, i had no real concepts for a reformed eddie then just "he's a single dad, and i'm going with the P.I. thing. that's it." however, my disappointment with how eddie's character is being handled, especially as of recent, got me thinking what i would do if i could write comics for eddie. and with this initial concept, i had to give eddie a main antagonist. i didn't want it to be another big rogue. i want it to be a lesser known character, or a new character. because, the harley show for example, there are many ppl who are disappointed in how the bigger popular rogues are either thrown away, or how they're depicted. i didn't want that if i were to do a comic. therefore, i use characters that aren't as well known, or as established. so, thinking of a main antagonist, i decided to go with puzzler. there have been a few puzzlers throughout comic history, especially against superman. but i went with the '66 series. as puzzler may be one of the least popular '66 villains, and less memorable one. especially because he was literally created to be a stand in for eddie as frank left the show, so they couldn't use the character. but i thought, i WILL take puzzler and reinvent him to be something maybe people could like. but i had a problem.

that was... i didn't really know what i wanted to do with puzzler. in the beginning, he was simply an older man who got bored of his life and seeing there was no longer a riddler, he would take eddie's place as a puzzling villain. and whilst i had other things - such as puzzler had parents who actually encouraged his intelligence, opposite to eddie, and i may have had his perpetual boredom thought of back then? as well as him being gay. but... i was very unhappy with puzzler. i felt he wasn't compelling enough, his motives weren't as interesting nor his story. in fact, i even planned on killing puzzler when introducing a bigger threat because i was just not happy with my ideas, and thought the other villain ideas i had for other characters were better.

BUT THEN. i had came up with a concept of eddie having an uncle. as a reference to a 60s comic where a wealthy uncle was mentioned, and it was a way to expand the family. after i thought of this "uncle edward" it just came to me - i can combine edward with puzzler. THEN BAM. puzzler's character and what he's supposed to be all just came rushing to me. like i knew exactly what i wanted to do with him, what kind of person he is, and his motivations. somehow, just making him a relative to eddie just put all the pieces together. and now it's a character i'm quite satisfied with, and i hope other ppl would be too if i were to ever do a comic. (and no, i don't kill him off anymore just to introduce another villain - he's too important for that)

yet i had a problem. eddie's story is indeed one of tragedy and trauma. but... i felt it would be tiresome if i gave him another relative who neglected or disliked him. no, i wanted uncle edward to actually care about eddie. however, this puts a major plot hole in the story. if uncle edward is so wealthy, why wouldn't he support eddie more? this was something i had trouble coming up with an explanation that didn't feel contrived. because i definitely want eddie to grow up poor - that's a very big part of his character, and who he is. i was actually a poor kid who had a grandmother who once had a million dollars. (which she spent all eventually bc she was a shopaholic) but she had very little to do with my life. so that made sense why that happened to me. but that couldn't apply to eddie - when edward genuinely loved eddie, and even wanted eddie as his own son. sooo... i HAD to find a way to make this work. initially, i thought "well, edward has fucked up views that he believes to be good, maybe he wanted eddie to work hard for his own money?" and i went with that for the longest time. but that also felt way too contrived. then i came up with an idea that puzzler's wealth is obviously dirty money. both people in the underground, as well as in the GCPD, begin to suspect that the socialite edward boucher is puzzler. there's even a part in the lore where a baby eddie gets harmed because one of edward's rivals figured out he's puzzler. so, the idea is that edward fakes his death, and does not leave any money behind for eddie, because he doesn't want eddie to be at all involved with his life as the puzzler. he doesn't want more people to target and harm eddie. he does this because he thinks he's protecting eddie, and the innocence of a child. and i feel that's a much better, and a more understandable reason. it feels more satisfying to me.

there's still drama and hurt involved in this family dynamic. as puzzler genuinely cares about eddie, one of the very few people puzzler is capable of caring for. and eddie held his uncle in this high regard, as his uncle was the nicest person to him, but only in his life for 5 years. but once eddie finds out just who his uncle is - turns out his uncle is practically everything he's against, and swore to fight. eddie now feels hurt and betrayed. but puzzler, still very much cares about eddie. it's a complicated dynamic that way while not being the same "eddie has a neglectful/hateful relative" deal.

[onmymasa22]

Write down ur future goals

I have a lovely life. I wear nice clothes. I wear nice jewelry. I love noce stuff.

Tell me about a day in my future life based onq

What i never said, but i mean ti say is: i dont want u in my life. I was better off before u were in my life, and ill b better off after i clean my head from u. I need a major cleaning. Cuz i shouldve thrown u out before. Half a year ago. In my life, u are all worthless. Ur not on my level. Im nice, so i didnt kick u out, and i dont like change or goodbyes. But i need to just move on from u. I need to just be who i am, with out loser guys around me. Im so much better than that. I still want the nice guy. Not the slick guy, not the loser cant wake up in the morning, not the complainer. Just get the fuck away from me. Stop talking to me. Move the fuck on, let me go. U had ur shot. U missed it. Now stop talking to me.

Most people who go to college for education want to teach elemary or highschool kids. Lots of people around me like these ages. I think my issue is that i have no respect for them. The lack of respect causes my lack of patience. I dont respect teenagers. To me, theyre idiots. Theres no bigger idiot in the world than a teen, myself at 15 included. Everything is drama u cant figure out, its all the end of the wirld, ur the stupidest, most ugly, worst self esteemed individual, and everyone is like that. U have oily hair, teeth that dont make sense or hurt, ur either the annoying one who needs to be in every picture, or ur the one who thinks ur so cool and cant he in any picture. I hated people when i was that age, why would i want to be around that again. I like old people.

The amount of times my hearing was mistaken this holiday with a loud family that never let's something funny slide, we can all do like guitar riffs with it at each other

In my family we all know how to jam out to guitar riffs but with jokes. We are all loud and all of us have humor that can go from dark, to old jewish. But because its like a guitar riff jam, everyone literally collaberates to a "stand up set" improve style until everyone laughs so hard they're tearing up. That's a normal weekend in my family.

A yom tov where my family is together means putting a bunch of people with loud personalities who all have a sense of humor to the extreme where everything can be funny. Like ive been with some families where u need to be obnoxious, or a health freak, or deal with the weird uncle who drunk and talking nonsense but theyre assuring u that he is actually very smart (which is like when people say their weed is "the good stuff", it never is. When they tell u he is "very smart", he isn't). In my family, u need a sense of humor that can match everyone. We ll have different ways that we're funny-im the most made fun of between everyone and im almost non offendable, and i make it funnier.

what i learned about ppl who sell weed- if they tell u its high quality, it never is.

Like how in some families, u need to be vegetarian or obnoxious to make it, at my house u need a sense of humor and to be

I cry way more then i used to. Usually when im emotional. I was never a cry at movies or books or songs kind of person. I knew my grandmother as that person. Everything made her cry. And after i accomplished lots of healing, breaking cycles, letting go of unhealthy relationships, therapy, throwing myself into learning new skills even when it was more boring than a crazy night. I really thought id never feel happy again. I was so numb yet emotionally raw at the same time. I thought boring normal relationships or doing things where i wasnt almost dying, never knew how the night would go so took a toothbrush life. That was what my life became. And in my own time, through my own decisions, i gave therapy a shot. And i still didnt think id ever be happy with normal. I threw myself into learning guitar. It was always something i was interested in, from elementary school, someone brought one and played and i was in awe of it. Kind of like i was in awe of someone speaking hebrew which i also learned.

Im just proud that i chose life. After a long time of choosing death. This year, i chose life. This next year, i want to choose life too.

This year i want to choose life.

I want to be fully committed to myself, being guided by halacha.

I will choose life.

I will get a job that feeds my passions.

I will have enough money to live and extra to give and live nicely.

I will battle each day that the demons show up. I will fight to live a healthy boring life.

In my life right now, healthy doesnt mean eating salads everyday. It doesn't mean going to the gym. It doesn't mean counting calories, or being a runner, or owning a stanley cup thing. Healthy means

I had to learn this:

Treat people according to who u r, not according to who they r.

[mymouthisanopenwound]

entry 2

kinda missing the notes app format as opposed to this new journal bs but ah oh well

amm and i had sex with out me being absolutely shitfaced on… friday night. sorry took me a minute, the lack of sleep is blurring the days together. it was good, in the way that intercourse is. i don’t think it inflamed him with any feelings for me, which is good i guess, as opposed to faking it. I don’t think i am feeling any semblance of love for him either, but i don’t know what im feeling. i want him to like me, probably because he doesn’t like anyone or anything. that seems to be a theme for me, maybe it really is about proving myself. that i can even be worshipped by the wholeheartedly narcissistic (not saying he’s more of a narcissist then any other man). not that it has ever worked, not in truth.

i just wanted to feel good, feel his warm bare skin against mine, feel close with someone. but we aren’t close, im starting to get him figured out though. i thought he was mysterious in a confident way but im led to believe he just is so anxiously self absorbed that he doesn’t feel the need to expand our “relationship”. even in terms of likes and dislikes. to be fair, i did trauma dump on him so it’s not as though he ignored that. but i just felt that he has such a shallow understanding of who i am. maybe i have one of him too. at least i try though, i want to understand him and either the walls are impenetrable or there is nothing behind them. it could be the latter, but is anyone that simple? he makes me insecure. I want to have a life that people are jealous of too. to have the time and energy for my own interests? not that he does have the time, he doesn’t ever sleep. maybe if he slept and ate he’d be a better person, for himself and others. it’s not as though he has a lack of friends, i am just not one of them. we were never friends, always failed lovers. i don’t think i could be his friend though, he complains a lot and id probably hurt his ego too much.

i am an instigator, but not a cynic, contrary it might seem. i only aim to tease until everyone is honest, push them until they explode into truth. who are you? i want to carve a small incision and peel back the surface. the skin. who are you at your worst? maybe if i see someone at their worst i feel better about myself, or maybe i feel power over them, or maybe i feel that they trusted me enough to be vulnerable and real. it’s probably all of the above.

i was jealous of zhs house and loving family before but it was intensified a hundredfold after amma completely gushed over it. i am not sure if i am mistrusting or if he’s true intent was to make me upset, but what would be the goal? would it be the same as mine? to cut me open and see how rotten i am on the inside? i can only dream of that likemindedness. more probable- he genuinely enjoyed the happy, healthy, simple family setting as opposed to my complicated uninviting one. the creepy grandfather. the one with dementia. the full of himself uncle. opioid addicted “aunt”. the narcissistic yet self righteous half uncle. the grandmother who is so inside of herself she comes across as hollow. lastly the complicated relations of everyone there. yes everyone is divorced, separated, estranged, complicated, at the very least awkward or in camis case- spiteful. not that his family is perfect, only that his siblings are all of full blood, parents together, professor and businessman, sister off to Harvard, 4.0, but it’s okay! they were on food stamps when he was eleven, he even got free lunch for a time when they came to the states. imagine that… all the pain and suffering he had to endure before his parents became “self-made”. of course i’m fucking joking. it’s a mockery of real financial struggle. oh no! free lunch?? i thought that was normal growing up. and i saw your childhood home, not fooling anyone. no power turned off, young young parents, laid off, no college, no health care, only alcoholism, a gambling addiction and a mother crying over not being able to afford christmas presents. not all of us have self made parents, we have to be self made all on our own.

he is texting me now so maybe i should stop venting.

we are done now, a short conversation lacking any depth but entertaining as i got to say some mean and slightly “clever” things. god i am such a bitter bitch. i’ll give myself a pass. i was right though, when i told him i hated Bridgeton to some extent because of the fake rich people problems. all about love and pining. hopeless romantic bs. there is real shit people have to go through, not everyone’s worst problem is petty passive aggressiveness in the park during a morning stroll. acting as if your so betrayed and affected by every little thing. as if women aren’t literal property. but it’s a good way to cope in a sense. watching it before zoe had to be put down did make me numb enough to sleep. i just have so much anger and hate. i’d like to think it’s all in response to ignorance and injustice, but it’s most likely something in me that i’m avoiding or compansating for. let’s attempt sleep to quell the wasps buzzing in my chest

[bettyfair]

Griefs waiting room

In all my years of catastophising I knew that my nans death would be the hardest thing for me. I used to cry at night imagining her funeral and what I would say in the church full of family and friends. I was probably 12, and losing her was the worst thing I could imagine ever happening to me.

On friday she fell and gave herself what we now know is a terminal bleed on the brain. She's fallen many times before, even given herself a bleed on the brain before. We begged her to go into a care home but she wouldn't go - she's too fucking stubborn. I told her we were scared we would find her dead at the bottom of the stairs, so she got a stair lift. It took her up and down the only set of stairs she never on.

My brother stopped at my house on his way to hers to tell me she's fallen. I made it there shortly after him to see her, with my other youngest brother, on a wooden seat on the pavement apparently unable to move her legs. She was wrapped in a picnic blanket and shivering. My youngest brother was on the phone to 111, a call from the ambulance was in the queue and we could expect to hear from them in 2 hours.

All I wanted to do was make sure she was warm and comfortable. I got her more blankets and a hot water bottle - she fussed over me having the right ones. Eventually we got her in the house thanks to a borrowed wheel chair and stuck her in front of her fire. She as conscious and talkative, I didn't know she was dying.

The last I saw of her was when she was getting in the car, I made sure she had a new hot water bottle, a sick bucket and her blanket. She went off to Hereford with my brothers. I'm sure I told her I love her - but I can't remember now.

I won't get to see her again now - the rest of my family are up there with her. Holding her hand as she dies. I'm just waiting for the phone call and i'm scared every time it rings.

I don't know what the world looks like without her in it, and i'm scared to find out. I've spent the weekend switching from thinking she's dying to thinking she'll get better. Sometimes i'm overwhelmed and I can't stop crying - I don't know what is is, because it can't be grief, she's not dead yet. I keep looking out onto the hills, the same hills she can see from her bedroom, and it's the only thing that calms me.

The train still goes past, the rain still falls, and i still have to go to work next week.

I don't want to say anything corny about her being the best grandmother in the world, because I don't think that does her justice. She was a complex, full person who did what she wanted, when she wanted. She was so fucking stubborn. I can not understate this. She once argued with me for a full hour because she wouldn't accept that Australia was a country.

She also built a pirate ship on the side of her house, with a drop down swing anchor and a cannon that shot tennis balls onto the Green Lagoon (her lawn). She used to sew my dresses when I was young, often making matching ones for the 2ft tall stuffed Gorilla (named Big Ape) I had off my uncle not long after I was born. She used to send care packages everytime I was ill - she couldn't come into the house because of her compromised immune system so she would leave them on the door step - one time ringing me from her car as I opened them in the window.

I have always felt so loved by her, I just hope she knows I love her even more.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hi, hope all is well, please call me ruby. i apologize in advance if this ask is a little hard to follow because honestly all these thoughts are a byproduct of a multitude of my anxieties. i'm really sorry for the long post. tw's; csa, cocsa, downplaying possible trauma?, hypersexuality, body image issues, low self esteem, overthinking, some anxiety about the future. i'm looking for advice and reassurance.

i'll start off by the fact that for as much as i can remember, my elder cousin starting sa'ing me from a very young age. i remember him teaching me this seemingly weird form of masturbation and as a kid, i wasn't sure what to think of it. when i was around 12-15, it escalated a bit more. touching me where he wasn't supposed to, etc. i remember waking up to him touching me. i knew that it felt wrong, but i didn't know what to think of it. i felt so confused.

he almost raped me once. at this point, i knew that i did not like what was happening, but i still feel today that some part of me feels i liked it. what other explanation could i come up with for letting him do it to me for years? from then on, i vaguely remember resisting all advances. i dreaded going to his house, dreaded him coming home, dreaded when my parents would ask me to run errands with him. i would push him away every time he tried to pull me by the hand to touch me on the stairs.

but he's my first cousin. i'm a single child. both my parents and my grandmother are very fond of him, & he's pretty much the pride of my family. nobody knows about this. i don't know if i'll ever be able to tell anyone about it. there is no evidence. all i had was an explicit text message which he deleted. the catch here is that when we'd gone on a trip together, he'd also sa'd his younger sister. i don't know if he's gone beyond that in the past few years, her and i don't talk about it nor bring it up. i'm assuming my aunt & uncle don't know about it. i often think about asking her about it, the possibility of exposing him, but it's so scary. i often overthink enough to picture a scenario where instead of helping me, the sister turns on me & all of a sudden i'll ruin my family.

i honestly think that im not traumatized at all. i probably enjoyed it, led him on until i didn't, and i'm completely fine. but i have doubts about this. i have trouble sleeping, and i'm very fucking ashamed of the fact that i'm hypersexual with myself, but in public i portray myself as someone with a sex repulsion, which although i do have to an extent, feels contradictory to me and i hate it. i'm obese & have 2 autoimmune diseases, i already hate how my body looks and my cousin has only made it worse.

my grandma's almost 78. i think, that maybe, for whatever time i have left with her, it's better that she doesn't know what her grandson did. the thought of having my family know what my cousin did & having to live with that knowledge for the rest of their lives, is something that i have mixed feelings about. i hear of so many stories where people are falsely accused of SA w/o any proof and their lives get ruined. i feel that if i ever came out about the SA, it would be a similar situation where i'd have no proof and then god knows how things would be. for all i know i'd be labelled as someone who destroyed someone's life and reputation, but in hindsight that happens with a lot of victims. i'd burden my parents & ruin their great relationship w him. i'm supposed to treasure my cousins, being a single child. but i can't. now, him and i act like it never happened. from an outsider's perspective, we get along very well. but deep down i can't care about him. even when we got the news that he was once hospitalized, i found myself thinking 'good. i hope something worse happens' & i don't know how to feel about it. i was a lonely child, and i'm only coming to realize that my parents did not have a healthy relationship like i thought they did, and there were periods where my they couldn't be the best parents to me. so i always longed for a sibling. all my cousins and friends had siblings. i'd always asked my mom for one. now i realize why i never had one, going back to my parents' relationship plus the fact that i was born premature and i'm lucky to be here today. my mom had health problems and was told that all babies she had would turn out like me and probably not survive. additionally, she didn't have the best relationship with her own brother, and didn't want me to go through the same. yet, she's told me that when she looks at all my other cousins, she'd wished she'd have given me the experience of a sibling too.

today i'm 19, i'm grateful for being a single child, and given so many opportunities that a sibling would not get. but one of my worst fears is that when my parents are gone, i'll only have myself, whereas siblings w healthy relationships ( which includes almost all my friends ) will have each other. i don't even share great relations with my own cousins, not sure if i can. my friends don't seem to understand this fear. i'm scared for the future, and so many other things. if my sheltered self will be able to survive without the coddling of my parents. if someday the truth about my cousin randomly comes out and it shatters me. im doing fine living with the experience, but i don't know how it'll affect me in the future. this just increases me thinking that i'm fine and not a 'real victim'.

again, i apologize for the long post, i tried my best to express how i felt. thank you so much for this safe space.

Hi ruby,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through. Please remember that you were a child so you couldn't have consented even if you say you somewhat enjoyed it. It's common for children to not fully grasp the gravity of the situation due to their cognitive development and therefore may enjoy it, however that's not an excuse for the abuse and it's something that abusers take advantage of. It's natural for things to feel good even if you do not consent to it, but your pleasure doesn't override your lack of consent.

Please know that it's up to you whether or not you tell your family what happened, and it's not your fault if it causes division in the family. Even if people don't believe you, you know what happened was true at the end of the day, so it's way different from making false accusations and tarnishing reputations - your cousin tarnished his own reputation by doing what he did to you and his sister.

If you can access or afford it, I strongly encourage you to speak to a mental health professional such as a therapist who can help you process these experiences and develop some healthy coping skills that you can take with you along your healing journey. If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[anthonysstupiddailyblog]

Anthony’s Stupid Daily Blog (846): Thu 11th Jul 2024

I was dreading this afternoon because as detailed in Tuesday’s entry Dad called with the news that my dear Nana Jenny is to start receiving end of life care so today was essentially my chance to say my final goodbye to her. How do you choose what your final words are going to be to someone who’s been around your entire life? Do you talk about your fondest memories? The impact they’ve had on your life? Sadly Jenny has entered the final stages of dementia so from her point of view it really doesn’t matter what I say but from mine it means everything because I’ll have to sum up 35 years of memories into one final visit. At least I was getting a chance to say goodbye to her, some people don’t even get that. My late friend Kenzie’s family would’ve loved to have had some time to think of something meaningful to say to him but sadly he was taken from them suddenly in his sleep. We arrived at the home at two o’clock and to mark the occasion I honoured the worlds biggest Elvis fan by wearing my my all over print Elvis t-shirt for her. I asked her if she liked it and I think she said “No” which I’m afraid will go down as the final thing she ever said to me but it is quite funny so I guess it’s better that our final exchange was humorous rather than heartbreaking. Jenny kept dosing off for most of the time we were there though she would come to for a few minutes, look intently at me and then go back to sleep. I doubt that she even remembers who I am any more, she might not even comprehend that it’s a human she’s looking at as I might have just appeared to her as a collage of shapes and colours but I suppose there’s still a chance she might have recognised me. I had taken a little puzzle toy Jenny gave me for Christmas when I was a little boy just to tell her that I’d kept it in my room all these years to remind my of my lovely little Nana. I showed it to her and thanked her for it and even though she was in a world of her own it didn’t matter as this was more about revelling in memories rather than creating new ones. We stayed until four as my uncle Thomas was about to come over for his time with Nana. I gathered my things together and got understandably emotional as the dreaded moment arrived. After Dad kissed her and told her he’d be back tomorrow I kneeled down to say my last goodbye to my beautiful, kind, generous, (sometimes unintentionally) hilarious, amazing grandmother. I looked her in the eyes, stroked her cheek then her forehead and said “I’ll see you again some time Jenny. Thanks for everything Nana. Thanks for all the lovely cups of tea and all the Christmas presents. I love you Jenny. You’re a legend and legends live forever” before giving her one last smile and following Dad out the door. Goodbyes are never easy and final goodbyes are impossible but at least I got this moment with her to hopefully see her off in style. I remember about fifteen years ago feeling terrible about the fact that Jenny might never get to achieve her dream of going to Graceland but luckily twelve years ago I decided to step up and took her myself and I know it meant the world to her. I think the fact that I helped Jenny fulfil this goal is why I’ve taken this news better than I did when I learned Grandad was going to die. I never would’ve forgiven myself if she passed away without going to Graceland when I’d had the opportunity to take her there. She made it to eighty three which is incredibly good innings (plus she survived a fucking pandemic) and she never lost any of her abrasiveness and I hope when my time is up I’ve similarly retained my ability to tell someone to fuck off if I don’t like them. I hope that her final few days are as pain free as possible and to quote Forrest Gump: that’s all I have to say about that. 

[voidthewanderer]

Not only are you making me feel guilty as fuck for leaving the dog alone by himself. You’re also making me look like an asshole to the neighbors I just met. Oh yeah, thanks for helping out and taking care of your grandmother’s stuff. Not a lot of young folks do that anymore. And then I have to proceed to pack all of my shit in a hurry and leave because mommy pissed you off.

She’s currently a live in patient at the facility, they should be providing laundry care for her. If they didn’t have any intentions on doing as such, then they should have put her in a hospital gown or released her after the 14 days they said they would.

Yes, my father threw a massive temper tantrum, smashed his $1100 phone (gee why do I always feel unsafe at my house), and demanded I come home because “It’s -uncle-‘s turn to take care of everything.” I’m telling my mum tomorrow that I’m going back down there.

It’s my decision to watch the dog. I think my father just missed making me miserable.

“Oh, it’s to make her and -uncle- actually realize that things need to be split evenly” and since when has that ever happened? Huh? Uncle has been the baby who can do no wrong his entire life. He’s not gonna step up now. He’s never gonna step up. But you know his hand’ll be outstretched once the will’s being executed.

“It doesn’t make you an asshole to the neighbors” oh really now? These people have never seen me before. I show up one day, live in the house for three weeks straight, talk about how it’s no issue for me to watch over the house and the dog (and how I actually enjoy living on my own again). Only for me to pack up in a hurry literally an hour and a half later and disappear. How does that not make me look like an asshole? I’m not cleaning the house. I’m not spending time with the dog. I went from being the ONLY grandkid actually doing something to help out to disappearing into the goddamn night without so much of a see ya. But that doesn’t make me look like an asshole, yeah sure.

I’m pissed off at all this bare minimum bullshit. You can’t only look at three nursing homes, go “oh they’re too expensive” and then leave it at that. At this point, she needs to be in a home. She cannot be trusted by herself. Get her on Medicaid, there’s no goddamn way she makes too much for it. Between both Medicare and Medicaid alone she should be able to have something covered. Sell the multitude of things she doesn’t need. There’s money to go into her checking and savings accounts to put towards things. This woman doesn’t need to own seven dressers, every bedroom has large walk in closets. There’s three bedrooms. It’s just junk for her to cram garbage into. Every dresser except for one is literally crammed full with clothing she never wears. Every walk in closet as well. She doesn’t need eleven storage spots for clothing that’s crammed full even after removing twelve 55gal bags of clothing.

I’d say if my parents had actually sat down and asked for help, I would have gladly given it to them. I could have gone around the house and put all the junk she doesn’t need into the front room to be sold or just threw out junk. But they didn’t ask for help. And then they chose to make me a fucking bad guy. So now they’re not gonna get help.

When I speak to my mom tomorrow, I’m letting her know exactly how I feel. She wants to fucking give me attitude over it, I’ll point out how it was kinda funny how I seemed to be in a much better spirits living on my own than living in a fucking house where I’m not allowed to be myself. Sue me.