#and actually caused me a fucking panic attack
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ooh i have some
-hmmm im feeling so happy and content right nowiwannarelapse. oh thats weird. let me just look into my thoughts to find the secret sadness--oh there isnt any. im fully vibing rn. butiwannarelapse okay who said that
-i keep having panic attacks and i just realised its only when the lights are off so i suppose?? im afraid of the dark??? suddenly?? i guess?? i mean it looks exactly like that from the outside. but im not scared of the dark. it just causes my panic attacks.
-normally i really love this show but idk im just kinda chillin right now tho. no feral mode, just casual appreciation. like. deep in my brain im very excited. but overall its alright ig
-yeah im havin a panic attack rn😐. yeah i physically feel so shaky and tense😐. what am i panicking about? idk it just kinda happened. no no my thoughts arent scattered its just my body panicking. yeah. its weird. lol what if i treated my body like it was entirely a different dude and like talked to myself like what if i just went 'it'll be okay'-- WAIT WHAT THE FUCK THAT ACTUALLY HELPED. WHAT THE HELL. THAT NEVER HELPS WHEN I SAY IT TO MYSELF
-if i had to describe my brain right now, it would be like me in the front, and then another dude crying in the corner. like i can just go ahead like normal but there is a sad energy in the air. almost as if its specifically in one corner of my brain. like its coming from the back left corner. specifically. like i can almost turn around in my brain and point to th--
-hehe i love ballerinas actually no i hate them. but theyre pretty. gross. but pink. ew thats girly. but im girly. no.
hello sysblr. please help me out!
can you all tell be about your experiences with emotional influence and emotions 'bleeding through' from another part/alter?
i had an experience recently that is making me think again.
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one of these days I'm going to be in a tik tok for being a bitch to idiots who are loud and disruptive in public
#a girl fully stuck her head out of her window to scream as their car passed ours then laughed bc it scared the shit out of me#and actually caused me a fucking panic attack#and then we immediately stopped at a light 1 car back from being next to them and it took all my strength not to get out and throw shit#and i was finally calming down when the light turned green and they paused to do it again#so i yelled shut the fuck up back at her#genuinely regret not getting out and dumping my bottle of water on her#i know youre like somewhere between 17 and 24 but youre not the main character keep your fucking head in the car#and shut the fuck up. what the fuck is wrong with you#also this is missouri. youre going to get shot if you keep doing shit like this
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hi.
#i know most of you didn’t even realize i was gone#but man…#my mental health was like in a state of 📉📉📉 in the past 30 days like we love being mentally ill and fucking insane <3#it was mostly bc i panicked and started obsessing over possible water damage in my flat kind of out of nowhere#like it started when my landlord came to check my bathroom bc my downstairs neighbours had water stains on their ceiling back in july#which had been caused by their shower curtain apparently but i was already spiraling when my landlord told me so i was sure it was my fault#i was assuming it was bc of me bc i had sometimes been spilling some of my bathwater and i was like WHAT IF IT HAS GONE THROUGH THE FLOOR?#and it didn't help that it has been hot af and very humid in my apartment LIKE WELL OVER 25 DEGREES AND 60% HUMIDITY#anyways i couldn’t shake this not matter what i tried and my fucking insane brain made me think i was going to get arrested for like#flooding the whole building or for causing some sort of mold infestation#i had SO MANY panic attacks; i wasn't able to sleep; i wasn't able to eat; i was on edge and panicky basically 24/7 so fun fun fun :D#and i kept waking up in the middle of the night and HAD to go check my walls or the space below my kitchen#it was compulsory like i couldn't not get up and go check and tbh i would've thrown out all of my furniture if i could've to check for mold#(and shhhh i know how fucking insane this sounds but having a mentally ill brain that's anxious all the time does suck ass sometimes 🥲)#(the worst thing about it tho was that i was SO AWARE of how insane about this i was being and yet i couldn't stop losing my mind over it)#(also i was so ready to move tf outta here bc i couldn't handle being triggered 24/7 which is why my mom let me stay with her last week )#i was so out of it that i couldn't even let myself do the things i usually enjoy... like at all#like watching my shows or spending any ungodly amount of time on tumblr... or replying to messages i got from people who i love#ig this goes to show HOW bad this actually was for me mentally bc usually tumblr and my shows are like my safe place#anyways we finally had a leak detection dude come over today and we had him check the water levels in my walls#and he said everything is fine and he specifically told me i should stop worrying about any water damage BC THERE IS NO WATER DAMAGE#he also said that the weather has just been insanely humid this year so it's not surprising that the humidity levels are higher than usual#i’m still a bit scared about some possible mold but ig this is good enough for now#i am aware how ridiculous this must sound for anyone who's reading this now but couldn't let it go not even with meds so let me live pls :(#TLDR I WAS GOING THROUGH IT BUT I AM BACK I THINK AND I AM MOST LIKELY GOING TO START BOTHERING YOU WITH MY GIFS AGAIN <3#AND I JUST REALIZED I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN ANY OF THE HEART KILLERS STUFF YET ASIDE FROM ONE OR TWO PICS LIKE :(#OH AND I NEED TO START WATCHING SUMMER NIGHT ;_;#sabrina talks#@AIRENYAH GIRL I AM SO SORRY I WILL PROBABLY REPLY TO YOUR MESSAGES LATER TODAY OR TOMORROW MORNING ;_;<3
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#rc9gn#randy cunningham 9th grade ninja#torn pages au#randy cunningham#rc9gn first ninja#first ninja#rc9gn oc#it has begun....the ocs... they are coming!!!!#lol but no worries ill try to not make them too much of a focus#can u believe it? freakin 9 more pages holy sjiet. and we didnt even got to the actual idea i had im gonna cry#trying to be normal and not enjoy little dad things i make first ninja do ;3#like helping kids dress cause waiting for them will take forever. the mom hand across body to protect them and the panic run.#the 'fuck the child took off without me' panic run is very familiar for me because i experience it from both sides#when i was a kid i accidently took off into traffic (on the crossing road but on yellow light) thinking my uncle was ahead#but in reality he was behind having a heart attack at my actions and taking off after me#and when i was a teen a family friend's kid i was looking after in the mall took off somewhere and i had a panic attack i lost him lol#his mother was NOT happy#kids? amiright?
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I opened up about my body image issues and people called me a horrible person, told me I'm invalidating people with eds and that I'm body shaming people? God what the fuck? Ive got no fucking support system in real life and the Internet just hates me I guess.
#every waking moment of my life for three years was spent making sure other people had a person to vent to#but i can't vent to anyone#well ive got one person who wont even read my fucking text messages so i could say anything but i need someone to know#i need someone to say ill be okay. i need someone to be the person i was.#and nobody does that for me#ive got one person who cant even answer a ask on tumblr. honestly fuck you. i hope youre reading this. i spent so many nights awake making#sure you felt seen and you were okay. i gave up so much of my time to always be there for you. but you cant even respond “haha” to a stupid#joke? i get social interaction is hard. i get it. but this isnt. all you have to fucking do is open an ask. skim it for an idea of the vibe#and type haha or aw im sorry or smthing. its so easy. you know i have crippling anxiety. shit like this brings back trauma. it sends me into#a really bad panic attack. you suck. i hate to say that. cause you dont. you are genuinely a good person but you hate yourself so much that#youre actually trying to be a bad person#nothing you ever do will make me hate you but i sure am mad. me and A spent a few hours talking about how much we were worried about you#he doesn't have tumblr. when he found out you havent been messaging me he thought you killed yourself. for him its complete radio silence#just say something. like one of my posts. you dont have to do much. just do the bare minimum so i know you dont hate me.#cause if you dont hate me right now you really suck. really do. and if you do hate me please communicate that with me so i can fix myself
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Save me oliretta and benslie save me
#looking for content for another ship I like could potentially lead to me finding more stuff that causes the#‘making me upset because my brain is used to social ostrichization and treats random shit I don’t care about the same way as social ostrich#so im going to attempt to delay my invisible return to this ship (which has happened multiple times where im like ‘I think I’m not as into#(ship) as I used to be’ and then like a week later get really into it again; rinse and repeat)#(fuck when I said invisible I meant inevitable and it’s not letting me edit)#im going to fixate HARD on these two ships; which im currently near obsessing over#so that hopefully by the time I go back to the ship#it will have been long enough my brain will have calmed the fuck down#and learnt not to give me panic attacks over shit I don’t actually care about#because apparently being bullied when I was nine (a time in my life I barely remeber)#was enough to put it in permanent defensive mode#oh wait I guess also the eighth grade thing#and that sort of covert ‘being fake nice as a joke’ thing that’s been happening to me since middle school#and that I still humor because I’m too socially awkward to stop it#save me#parks and rec#benslie#ben wyatt#leslie knope#only murders hulu#only murders in the building#omitb#omitb season 3#loretta durkin#oliver putnam#vent in tags#wait fuck#oliretta#i forgor
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our current dilema is that the pain from our wisdom tooth keeps getting so bad we have to take pain meds (like it keeps hitting an 8/10 for several hours at a time. we can't not take pain meds) but the only pain meds that touch it have a warning on them saying not to take them for more than 3 days in a row, and we have at least another month of dealing with this, so I don't really know what to do.
the warning is because they're opioids and can cause addiction but I don't actually know how bad the risk is because everything seems to treat it like opioids are the worst thing ever and should be avoided at all costs and you'll get addicted if you so much as glance at them.
either way, my options are to either keep taking them and just accept that risk, or deal with being in so much pain I can't function. even with taking the pain meds I can tell we're a lot more irritable and short tempered and probably just insufferable to be around honestly and I hate the fact that pain causes this, but once again we've got to deal with this for over a month and we've also got to deal with the anxiety over what the treatment for it is going to actually involve.
I've had to deal with medical trauma stuff I didn't even know about until like yesterday when Lucy suggested it might be part of why I feel so shit, and I've had multiple panic attacks per day and constantly feel way more anxious than usual and I get the feeling we're just gonnaa have to put up with this for the next month and I don't know how the fuck I'm meant to cope with any of this
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#vent post#posts made on pain meds#there is absolutely nothing that gets rid of what essentially amounts to a constant sense of impending doom#like our brain has just fully decided we're fucked and going to die or some shit and now I have to deal with the anxiet from it doing that#and like I know logically we're gonna be fine and this is ridiculous#but I know we sometimes get a delusion where our brain just decides we're gonna die on a specific day or whatever#and I think that's flared up and combined with the severe medical anxiety#and since knowing a delusion isn't real doesn't do shit to stop you feeling like it's real#no amount of logic seems to be able to make our brain not freak out over this and make me have panic attacks because of it#we already had that delusion kind of going on in the background because something about this time of year seems to trigger it#and I guess having something planned that's incredibly triggering and causing that feeling a dread#probably just made our brain combine the two things#we also are definitely experiencing stress-induced psychosis just in general because I've been hallucinating so fucking much#actually I wonder if the fact that I've had to take pain meds so much might also be messing with our psychosis#I would like to maybe not have to deal with any of this#we were looking forward to just getting that one tooth removed and then resting and recovering and not having anything planned for a while#and instead we've got at least a month of dealing with this shit and I'm fucking exhausted#this year has basically just been me dealing with one unbelievably triggering thing after another because I have no other choice#like I keep being thrown into situations that involve triggers that I can't even think about without having panic attacks#there's a whole bunch of shit going on in our personal life and stuff just keeps piling up and we don't get a break from any of it
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brrrrr (/pos)
#weight talk#<- just in case even though this is pos#but like. okay ive been. SEVERELY underweight all my life#like i looked like a skeleton you could see all my bones it was AWFUL#i just. I've literally always hated looking like that i hated looking like a walking corpse i mean i looked ILL#but recently i started taking remeron for anxiety#partially bc my anxiety keeps causing me to not eat properly bc i feel sick constantly#so i kept ending up in the ER for malnutrition and dehydration and my liver getting messed up#well i started the remeron for the panic attacks bc daily panic attacks suck but the psych mentioned it could increase appetite#and it???? did????? I'm eating on a slightly more regular schedule???? I'm eating more than once a day????#and like. ok I've always weighed like 100lbs#highest i ever got was 111 when i was 16#and then it dropped 10#and then dropped 10 more in the span of 3 months while i was in and out of ER#and i was genuinely starting to panic over it bc i could PHYSICALLY FEEL my muscles getting eaten bc i had no fat left#like i was getting drastically weaker by the day my knees still won't stop buckling#but in the about three months I've been taking those meds I've. gained 10 back#I'm actually gaining weight like me and my mother are genuinely SHOCKED this genuinely hasn't happened since i was fucking TWELVE#and just now i took off my shirt and noticed. holy shit. my stomach doesn't go CONCAVE when I'm hungry anymore#like whenever i couldn't tell if i was hungry before i would just look at my stomach and be able to tell if it was too curved inwards#but now!!!!!!! it doesn't do that!!!!!!! and I'm genuinely fucking ecstatic like oh my god i don't look dead anymore#I've always wanted to gain weight i feel like i would be 100% more comfortable in my body as a fat trans man#and i can't talk about that to anyone bc they always say it's either self harm or fetishistic#when no i just genuinely feel more comfortable in my skin thinking of myself that way#and now i have confirmation that i would genuinely be happier that way with this bc the sheer joy i have at not being underweight anymore#i mean I'm still a bit under but at least im gaining SOMETHING like at least i dont look like a drowned street cat#seeing the very slight rolls and folds in my stomach when i move the right way makes me happy
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The bad feeling has not worn off from yesterday
#I feel physically ill from one single experience of trapped in room with angry person#fuck you mother you're the one who can't read social cues#when I say let me out let me out and am crying it is not because I am somehow challenging you this is called a panic attack#seriously what the actual hell#Vale yells into the abyss#again#personal#there's an emotional spiral of some kind going on but I'm not sure what is required to either break out of it or complete the process#brain is trying to process what just happened but the processing is causing harm#this is not fun#I keep going from mostly ok and happy to physically in pain and emotionally distressed and then back again#there has to be a way to think more effectively than regular thinking that I can use to solve this shit#like how there's walking and speedwalking or jogging and running or basic math and advanced math#but for emotional processing#advanced emotional processing?#some kind of thinking hard mode?
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so anyway I woke up multiple times last night bc of coughing fits and I've been coughing all fucking day and I was just standing outside on my porch trying to like chill before going from job 1 to job 2 and i coughed so hard I threw up. how's everyone else doing this afternoon
#really wish i could call in but i work in like an hour and theyd fucking kill me#i mean they wouldnt. theyre really nice. but theyd be so disappointed that i would die#anyway the good thing is i used to have bad emetophobia and that wouldve caused a severe panic attack and like more illness#but at some point in the past like year or two its gotten a lot better and i can actually throw up without freaking the fuck out now#so i still kind of want to die bc its gross and feels bad but like. im ok which is cool#sorry that was gross and tmi. welcome to my blog#cw vomit#cw emetophobia#i should clarify ive had some type of upper respiratory something for literally like 2 months. ive tested negative for covid several times#i just really need to go to the fuckin doctor lmao
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its always morally correct to wish death on your ex
#personal#i am actually doing Generally okay with all of this#i fucking hate him and i hope he dies. but jm okay#im having these weird mixed emotions#i cried twice today in second period but like. im laugjing more#and i keot sayibg i wanted to drop them all anyways#i guess they did it for me?#still hurts more than anythinf#“i loved him” if yoy did then why did you break up with me lol#“oh maybe we can try agaib one day” we Both know thats only happening if i reach out first#youdidnt care enough to text after months until i did it first#but honestly im trying my best not tk think about it because being upset is what he wants from me#imnot govinf him that. im not feeling bad over something he caused#i hate him and i hope he dies. but its okay#maybe kne day i can be hashtag normak enough to talk tk him without bursting into tears#hes really sayinghow imade himfeel fuckcjing manajic wheni had panic attacks because the guy who sits across from me#in art class looks lile him#like ughhow fo you not see what you did to me! you caused the worst 3 months of my life. thanks i guess...#but i find it hard tj care seeing as im always second best#i knownyou like that fucking guy better than you ever liked me#but it wouldve been nice if you ag least tried to hide it#all of that said. i might be okat#💭
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Tfw a bitch decided to actually jump over your fence and then acted all surprised/trying to give the its all good sign when your mom started yelling at him to get out.
#that was a great fucking panic attack#like upstairs son gave dad a bike he found#and dads got it in the garden under some stuff right now till he can fix it up#but this bitch jumps the fence and actually purposely looks for the bike and takes a picture#and then left when mom shouted cause me and dad saw him first#and now its panic over the photo thing#aka if he'll come back for the bike#i mean dad plans to bring the bike inside tonight#and we already suspect how the bitch found out about the bike#aka upstairs son potentially telling him#which is just#if you want the fucker back come to our door and ask#not fucking do a thief move with the fence
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opens this app, feels isolated, closes it
#leah.txt#i’m going to try scroll for a bit and reblog things but idk being on here is bad lately. i’m very grateful for replies on last post ily guys#a lot but yeah idk i think it’s just i’ve noticed certain people’s behaviour towards me has seemed to change and that makes me paranoid#i guess? or just that i don’t belong again? idk things are weird for me these past two months and having SIX people fuck with me is#ridiculous. actually ridiculous. and unprovoked too is so… ben affleck smoking.jpg#not sure what i’ve done but oh well <3 had a feeling me taking a break would maybe cause some moots on here to just like idk distance from#me but what can you do. cant please everyone. just wanna make friends and consider my moots as such but guess others don’t lmao#edit: said i was gonna scroll but i’m going to bed :) maybe that will fix me :)#panic attack today was bad so idk need a new day. i’ll try write but i’ve been saying that everyday for the past two months and i just can’t#do words rn
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Honest to God, as far as the last couple of months are concerned if it weren't for HBO hit TV show Veep I would have done something HORRIBLE the details of which would have probably been unfathomable. So thank FUCK for Veep I wish it had as many episodes as the average Dick Wolf cop show
#there is quite literally nothing else that is available to me that can bring me enough happiness to not kms#it's literally my panic attack balm my depression pickup my background noise my fucking. everything#cause it makes me Happy! there is actually no other media i can think of that would Only make me feel good things cause thats veep#anything else? the risk of even getting bummed by a show or annoyed may very well drive me off a roof#thats how little patience i have left. but Veep i LOVE you#thats all thanks kisses#Nataly vents
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I'm so stressed I need an off button
#rant#i abolutely wish i was one of the people who like dissassociated when stressed or vomited or something#instead i just get imminently closer to a panic attack#and once i GET the panic attack i get very self harmy and suicidal like actively grabbing objects suicidal#i tell ya what i FEEL tense and i do not want my hands grabbing pans to try and beat me with#i do not wanna go into a panic attack and feel my entire brain screaming to bash myself into walls at full strength#in an illogical attempt to pass out and no longer have to endure the goddamn panic attack#panic attacks feel like a demon actively torturing me and my brain is offline and i only have vague control of my arms and legs a little#and all i want at those points is to either fix Mundane Mistake which launched the pamic attack#(and is unfixable during a panic attack cause rational thought is offline AND i cant breathe anyway)#or to die immefiately cause if i was dead i wouldnt need to fix any Mistakes or endure the awful torture of a panic qttack#i think in a past life maybe i was a fucking warrior or wilderness bitch idk#but for all the logic in the world i have and calm in Actual emergencies#when a little life mistake happens with looming disaster my brain short circuits to panic attaxk and then i have 30% chqnce or#of killing myself#and im NOT happy about it!!!!#i hate panic attacks!!!!#i am my own biggest danger on earth man#nothing tries to kill me as much as my own brain and body
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everyone in my house is shit at communicating cause we're all autistic and both of my parents were raised in homes where no one talked to each other ever so that's fun.
#like i have a great family#my parents are like super supportive of me#my dad is the biggest ally ever and my mom is bi#and like cause we're all autistic (and probably adhd except for my mom) they're good with that stuff#but like they're shit at dealing with anything mental health related#a few weeks back when we were in the states we went to see a family friend#and my brother freaked out cause he was nervous#like he had a full on panic attack#and my parents were terrible at dealing with it#they legit made him feel worse#i'm the only one in this household who can actually deal with mental health stuff#and the only one who can ever admit i need help#except to my parents who are shit at talking about mental health cause they make it weird#my mom (and her entire side of the family) won't admit she needs therapy cause her childhood was fucked up#i've been trying to force her into therapy lol#atp i'd be a decent therapist for her
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