#and JEREMIAH DESERVES BETTER WHO WANTS TO BE HIS BOYFRIEND INSTEAD

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

organizing BB notes to prep for this drafting session and I CANNOT wait for the dialogue where jeremiah's talking to harrison and goes "what's wrong with you???"

[zalrb]

I have never watched The Summer I Turned Pretty, but out of context it seems like Belly is what TikTok thinks a textbook narcissist is and it seems like she’s spreading a very effective smear campaign against Conrad. I honestly think this would count as abuse IRL because the guy’s only crime is feeling sad that his mom has cancer/is dead. What even?

Like I would get Jeremiah being upset with Conrad for not telling him about the cancer (but it seems like no one told Conrad either and he just noticed? again, haven’t watched the show) but it seems like he’s more mad about Conrad “breaking Belly’s heart” for being sad, which is just ??? Also Jeremiah is mad that Conrad is better than him but they’re both two white guys whose mother named them those names so I don’t even know what that’s about

Also Jeremiah is mad that Conrad is better than him but they’re both two white guys whose mother named them those names so I don’t even know what that’s about

I laughed at this for like 30 seconds.

it seems like she’s spreading a very effective smear campaign against Conrad.

And this is the thing because that's not how it's supposed to seem but everything Belly's saying he did, I haven't actually SEEN and I'm not sure why the writers just didn't commit because I'm sitting here like, it just feels like he's being punished for being sad because she's all

and I'm like acting like WHAT? he forgot to get your corsage

and he was quiet (and this is just me but at my prom I barely even spoke to my boyfriend, I was too busy dancing with my friends but whatever)

that's it!

and then you broke up with him

and won't let him counter you

and suddenly everyone's saying he broke up with you then the next time you see him, it's at his mother's funeral where you tell him to go to hell? That is outrageous.

Like with Pjo which they're clearly inspired by, we SEE Pacey withdraw from Joey because of his inner turmoil, he isn't as physically affectionate with her, which was a big part of their relationship. Every time she tries to kiss him or make out with him or have sex with him, he finds a reason to leave

(and I also want to add that Pacey previous to this also played Joey hot and cold so they could start talking about sex instead of just starting the conversation)

but his withdrawal has been building for the entire season because Joey is an overachiever who is going to go to college and Pacey is uncertain about his future and they don't talk about it

and there is a three season history of his family tearing him down but we also see it within season

the closer they get to graduation the more his self-loathing and insecurity gets transplanted onto Joey

and then he freaks out at prom

and Joey deserves better and it's not fair to her and it's humiliating and it's awful but it's been building and it makes sense.

Conrad is literally just sad that his mother is dying.

Like I would get Jeremiah being upset with Conrad for not telling him about the cancer (but it seems like no one told Conrad either and he just noticed? again, haven’t watched the show) but it seems like he’s more mad about Conrad “breaking Belly’s heart” for being sad, which is just ???

And they don't really talk about this. Jere just keeps saying that he tries to do everything himself and he should let other people carry the load but when they fight it's about Belly so I'm just like, there are more interesting things to have arguments about but whatever.

[crue-sixx]

Always A Bridesmaid, Never A Bride

Title: Always A Bridesmaid, Never A Bride

Fandom: The Dirt

Summary: The reader is Vince's long time friend (who he's had a crush on forever), who he is very fond of and who is fond of him as well.  It's been a few years since they last seen each other and is indeed a shock at how much she's changed.

Warnings: swearing, mentions of abuse, murder and suicide, suicide attempt

In high school, things were much easier.  You had your life all set out for you-meet a nice young man at church, marry him and have his babies and get a part-time job to help care for the kids and upkeep the house.  As with any school, it did have the cliques and yours was the religion club that everyone dubbed "The Jesus Freaks" but that wasn't entirely true.  The club welcomed people of all religions, most of them just happened to be Christian or Catholic with a hint of Jewish people in there.  The purpose of the club was to research other religions to help the members understand the main aspects of them rather than make ignorant assumptions.

It was there you had met a surfer boy-brunette, a natural tan who had a very good singing voice.  He was in a band, making him irresistible to the ladies.  Well, saying that you met him in high school wasn't accurate.  You actually met for the first time in third grade where he acted like a gentleman with you.  He held open doors and kissed your hand whenever he led you through them.  The teachers thought it was the cutest thing and informed both your parents. 

As you grew up, he changed-not for the better either.  You and him always stayed friends and since your families lived next door to each other he mistook your house for his when he was trying to sneak in.  The layout was identical so where your bedroom was on the ground floor near the back of the house was where his room was in his own house.  More than a few times he'd climbed through your window thinking it was his and flopped down on your bed next to you in a drunken or drugged up stupor, and you were a heavy sleeper by nature so you didn't feel him crawl into bed with you until you woke up to start your day.

The first time it happened, you let out a yelp in surprise and your father started banging on your door with "Y/N?!  What's going on in there?!" the noise had scared Vince awake and it took him a minute to realize where he was. 

You motioned for him to stay quiet and you answered "Just a spider, Daddy!" you then thumped your foot and shouted "Got it!"

Your father sighed in relief and said "Sweet Jesus girl, I thought that Wharton boy was in there!" Vince gave you a look and you mouthed that you'd tell him later at school. 

However, when school did come around and you tried to talk to him, he wouldn't give you the time of day.  This got you sneers from the other girls that hung around him and he caught the look of hurt in your face and he closed his eyes in frustration.  He was being a horse's ass to the one girl he actually liked romantically.  He was always attracted to your innocence, to him you were like Bambi.  After school he walked you home, but just because it was on the way to his house too.  "Hey...about earlier..." he started, but you cut him off.

"So now it's okay to talk to me when your whores aren't around?" you said sarcastically.  He winced, knowing full well he deserved it.

"Y/N, I have a reputation to uphold!  I'm a ladies man!" he laughed, but you didn't think it was funny.

"We've been friends since the third grade and THIS is how you treat me?" you turned to go into your house when you added "Maybe the next time you climb into my bedroom I won't be so willing to lie to my father!" you then slammed the door in his face.  He was kicking himself as he awkwardly went to his own house to brood over it.

The next week he mistook your room for his again, but you were awake working on a project for class when you heard your window open.  He wasn't that drunk, just a little buzzed when you helped him inside so he didn't make noise and wake up the whole house.  If your father knew a boy had snuck into your room the wrath of God would have fallen upon both you and Vince.  "What are you doing here, Vinny?" you softly asked him.

He giggled a little and said "I wanted to say sorry for being a jackass last week..." he gave a salute and said "sorry".

You rolled your eyes knowing he was sincere but you pitied him because he thought he needed alcohol to gather up the courage to talk to you.  "Apology accepted" you smiled at him and settled him back on your bed.  "Now sleep it off and I'll see you in the morning" you then kissed his forehead and he rolled over and began snoring softly.

He wanted so bad to kiss you that night, but he didn't.  He knew you weren't that kind of girl that he was used to fucking then leaving.  You were virtuous and beautiful in a baby deer kind of way, you still had childlike features to your face and personality.  He didn't want to corrupt that in you so he buried his feelings under booze and whatever substances he could get his hands on.  He wanted to know the feeling of you beneath him, him actually sober and making slow sweet love to you instead of a messy tumble of fucking he did with his groupies. 

When morning did come and he went into your bathroom with you to take a shower, you were alone in the house with him.  Your parents were on a mission trip with the church and your siblings were at your aunt's house.  Your parents trusted you to be alone and take care of the house without throwing a wild party.  "Don't you have any soap that isn't girly?" he snorted and poo-pooed at your lavender vanilla scented soap.

"Well I would have stocked Irish Spring if I knew I'd have a gentleman caller" you joked back to him.  You didn't even hear the front door open and your little brother David come in, until he was at the bathroom door.

"Y/N?" he called out "It's David!  I left my toothbrush in there!  I just need to get it!" the bathroom door didn't lock so you panicked and jumped in the shower with Vince, who had his back to you

"Come on in Dave!" you called back, making Vince jump and go wide eyed that you were in the shower with him, you putting a hand over his mouth to keep him quiet "Just don't look at your sister naked!"

David came in and remarked "I would wash my eyes in bleach if I saw you naked, Y/N..." you were still in your pajamas, which were now getting soaked and your brother continued "Now don't be late for school!  You have a presentation today!" he then walked out of the bathroom, closing the door behind him and you waited until you heard the front door close and lock when you released his mouth.

Vince went rigid when he saw you in the shower with him, this was one of the many wet dreams he had that contributed to his morning wood most days.  You two would be making passionate love among the steam and hot water and just when he was about to admit his feelings for you, he woke up and he'd have to take care of the tent he'd pitched in his sleep.

"Someone's getting bolder" he chuckled and shut off the water, grabbing a towel before she noticed his hardening length.  If it were any other girl, he'd wear his erection loud and proud but you were more than a one night stand.

"Not really" you said, hopping out and getting the floor wet from your dripping clothes "just if my brother caught me in here with a boy, he'd tell our dad and there would be hell to pay" you turned around to give him some privacy.

"You got a point there" he laughed, putting his clothes back on, hiding his growing erection in the waistband of his pants until he got home to deal with it.  "So I hear some rumors you finally got yourself a boyfriend?"

You blushed at that, having met your first love Jeremiah at the youth group at church. "Yes, his name's Jeremiah" you smiled at the thought of him.  He was a sweet boy, from a good family and had the same virtues you did.  He also wanted to wait for marriage to have sexual relations.

Vince's heart sank when you confirmed it.  He had waited too long and let his 'friends' influence get in the way of him revealing his true feelings for you.  "O-oh...." he went silent a moment and asked "Is he good to you?"

"The best" you answered truthfully.  He was the perfect gentleman in every way-he opened doors for you, pulled your chair out and in at meals and even paid when he took you out, despite your protests that you could pay sometimes too with your part time job at the grocery store.

Vince looked down only a moment and excused himself to his own room, where he relieved himself of the sexual frustration and cursed himself for not telling you how he felt sooner.  It was after school when he was done fucking his baby mama Tammi that he heard something that made his blood boil.  After they had fixed their clothes, Tammi asked him "You love Y/N, don't you?"

He paused only a moment and admitted "Yeah..."

"I know it's not my business, but I have lunch period with her about 1:30" she said nervously, stroking her pregnant belly.

"What does that have to do with anything?" he looked at her confused.

"Well, I have a morning class with her too" she twitted her fingers "And it wasn't until lunch that she had a fresh goose egg over her eye..."

This had his full attention "What? What happened?"

"She wouldn't talk about it to anyone" she shook her head "Just kept crying and saying she was sorry" Tammi was somewhat acquainted with you and from what she saw she did like you.  She had noticed the way Vince gave you longing glances in the halls at school, but he dared not speak to you with his friends and groupies around him.

He only had to think a second before he hissed "Jeremiah..."

What had happened was that Jeremiah was more than in love with you-he was obsessed.  He kept watch over your house nightly, making sure you were faithful to him.  His mind was at rest for the first week but when he saw that no good Wharten kid sneak into your window and stay the night he was more than livid.  When he finally got you alone at school before lunch he asked "Did you fuck him?"

You were taken aback, Jeremiah never cursed in front of you much less AT you.  "What are you talking about?" you asked honestly, you not knowing he'd been watching your house.

"That brunette surfer kid" he growled "I saw him sneaking into your house last night and he didn't leave until this morning!"  he was showing aggression where he had none before.

"You mean Vince?" you laughed "He's just a friend.  We live next door to each other and sometimes he mistakes my room for his and I let him sleep it off" it was an unexpected thing for him to punch you in the face.

You fell back and your eye started swelling right away.  He wasn't apologetic and he just said "Next time I see you with him, I'll make you regret ever knowing him..." in a dark tone.  He left you to pick yourself up and took yourself to the nurse, where you told your first lie.

"I fell into a doorknob" you said, trying to smile "I'm just really clumsy..."  the nurse didn't believe you for a second but she wrote what you said in the file none the less, gave you an ice pack and sent you on your way.

You had lunch next and you just broke down in tears when people asked you about it.  You couldn't say anything other than "I'm sorry" repeatedly like a lunatic. Even Vince's baby mama Tammi was concerned, but she got the same words as everyone else.

After school you were walking by yourself, your eye a scarlet letter on your face.  You held your books to your chest and walked quickly home.  You heard your name being called and when you saw Vince coming towards you, you walked quicker.  He sped up to keep pace and you ran the rest of the way home, him hot on your heels.  When you fumbled with your house key he caught up to you and spun you around.  He paused a moment when he saw your black eye, and his facial expression changed from shock, to sadness and finally rage as he asked "Did Jeremiah do that to you?"

"I can't talk to you anymore" you quickly opened the door and slammed it in his face.  You didn't want to, but you were afraid of what Jeremiah would do if he found out about even that small exchange.  Of course he was watching from the bushes across the street.  He had heard everything and what you had told him, a swell of pride filled his heart. 

The two of you graduated and moved in together, him proposing to you after graduation and you graciously accepted.  You had almost forgotten about the black eye he'd given you, until you caught a glimpse of Vince looking totally crushed a few feet behind him.  That summer is when all things went to Hell.

Four years later, you had moved to Los Angeles to get away from everything.  The constant nagging from your mother and the memory of your wedding day still haunted you-the police had returned the wedding video from the evidence locker, you having requested it back so you had a reminder that the best way to survive was all alone.

You had moved in with some friends that lived in a crack den, who were more than happy to show you the unhealthiest ways of coping with trauma.  You started hitting the bars and clubs with abandon, your whole appearance changing from the pristine good girl image to the dirtiest hooker on the Sunset Strip.  A new up and coming rock band named Motley Crue was frequenting the Troubadour and you just so happened to see one of their shows and were surprised to see that you knew their front man.  When their set was done, they all hit the bar and you saddled up next to the now blonde Vince and said "Long time, no see Vinny" he looked you up and down.

"Have we met?" he looked like he was desperately trying to remember your name, like you were a one night stand that was trying to get another round with his dick,

"We only lived next door to each other since third grade, goofball" you smiled at him, you having lost a considerable amount of weight.  You looked more like a dying person than a woman with your features sunken in.

His eyes widened as he realized "Y/N?!" he got off his stool and took you into a corner to talk to you "What are you doin' here?!  This isn't a place for someone like you!"

"You mean a Bible Thumper?" you laughed, then coughed a smoker's cough.  "I put that life behind me, babe" you were already sloshed and falling over yourself.

He began to tear up and said "What happened to you...you never were like..." he motioned to your whole frame from your hair dyed black to the bottom of your high heeled shoes "this?"

You sobered up a moment and gave the best answer you could "Life" and you went on talking with him, not giving up any details about the past four years.  He asked where you were staying and when you answered he looked even more disheartened.

"That's a crack den, Y/N..." he said, even he didn't mess with crack at that time. 

"I know" you giggled "why do you think I live there?"

"Please Y/N...come with me" he pleaded.  Him and his friends still partied and did drugs, but with people they knew would call an ambulance if the shit hit the fan.

You grew defensive and said "I'm not that same scared Bambi I used to be Vinny.  She's long dead" you gathered your things but he grabbed your arm and insisted on giving you their number to the apartment in case you needed to get a hold of him.  You took it, secretly wanting to be close to him too.

After the party had winded down and everyone left, Nikki asked Vince "Who was that chick you were talking to at the bar?"

Vince paled and said "Someone I used to know.  I've been in love with her since the third grade.  She used to be someone who I wouldn't even give a second glance to now, one of those good girl types..."

Tommy stumbled into the living room with "Dude, if you had feelings for her why didn't you ever tell 'er?"

"I was afraid it'd mess up our friendship" he put his head down, it pounding from the hangover he was nursing "besides, I heard she got married to her high school sweet heart" he pouted.

"Well what the fuck went wrong?" Nikki asked.

"I don't know, but I'm going to find out" he was determined to do just that.  He had kept contact with you almost every day when he'd go to the crack den to check on you, to which you assured him that you didn't need to be babysat like a child.  He was even more pissed off when he found out how you were funding your habits.  One of the guys who owned a bar down the street said that you'd been prostituting yourself for cash, drugs and booze (which was true).

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" he scolded "What happened that made you change so much?!"

You were just as angry with him getting into your business and you said "Why are you getting so mad at me?!  You're just as bad as I am!"

"You used to be such a good girl, Y/N!" he started to sound like a square and he didn't care.  He loved you even after all this time.

"You know you're starting to sound like my father-" you stopped and then broke down in tears.  He tried to comfort you but you pushed him off.  "If I wanted someone to yell at me, then I would have stayed with my fuckin' mother!"

That night, you needed a hit of the good crack.  You took more than you were used to and had a very bad trip.  Jeremiah came back, his skin colored like a corpse and the bullet hole where he shot himself at the alter was in full view.  "You don't deserve to wear white" was all he was saying to you, the word echoing in your head.  You just wanted it all to stop so you tried to end it all.

The next morning the phone in the apartment blared and Tommy picked it up with a groggy "Hello?"  when the caller asked for Vince, he thew one of his drumsticks at him, hitting him in the eye.

"Tommy!  What the fuck dude?!" he jolted awake.

"Phone" he handed over the phone and Vince listened intently.

"Ummm...this is gonna sound really bad...Y/N tried to kill herself last night..."

"What?!" Vince was now fully awake "How?!  Where is she?!"

"She slit her wrists and let herself bleed out in the tub" he caller said "we called the paramedics in time.  She's at L.A. General, on the crazy floor.  She kept screaming for you while they were taking her away..." he hung up the phone and tossed a pair of shoes on, sprinting to the hospital in nothing but pajama bottoms.

He demanded that they let him see you, but they said that you'd be in detox at least a week and then in the regular ward for a month, then he could see you during visiting hours.  The only rules he had to follow was that he couldn't bring anything in and that he couldn't be fucked up on anything.  He obliged and visited you every change he could when he wasn't hammered or high.  "Why'd you cut yourself Y/N?" he asked gently, his warm hand recoiling when he felt your icy cold ones.

"I don't want to talk about it" you said, getting uncomfortable.  The only think you wanted now was your fix of crack. 

"We're going to have to eventually" he put his hands on your shoulder and rested his head on top of yours.  Him fucking you was the last thing on his mind right now, a first for Vince about any woman.

You turned to face him and looked up, a shadow of your former self seeping through "I will tell you, someday" you hugged into his chest and nuzzled there "but I'm not ready anytime soon...please be patient..."

He smiled and hugged you close to him "Okay Y/N" even after all this time, you still smelled like lavender vanilla.

When you were finally discharged, you went to live in the apartment with Vince and his friends, who knew well enough not to ask about the bandages on your arms.  You did slow down on the drinking and drug use, but didn't stop cold turkey.  It was a pace that Vince approved of, that he could keep an eye on you.

It was a few weeks into living with them that you'd left your wedding tape out on accident.  You were looking for something else in your luggage and forgot to put it back.  Tommy saw it on the counter and said "Hey, It's Y/N and Jeremiah's wedding video!  Let's watch it!"  you were sleeping deeply in Vince's room, where you had recently agreed to become a couple.

Mick was there too, him being over to make music with them.  He had met you a few days ago, him wondering about the bandages on your wrists but not daring to ask.  Vince had told him all about you and how he never shut the fuck up about you.  He could see why the blonde was so enthralled with you.  He said "Come on, guys.  Leave it alone..."  Nikki and Vince agreed with Tommy and popped it into the VCR.  None of them were ready.

You looked beautiful in your white wedding dress, flawless hair and make-up.  This was the day you'd been dreaming of since you were a little girl, and even more so when Jeremiah asked for your hand.  You spent all summer planning for an early fall wedding and everything was in place.  Your father walked you down the aisle to your husband to be, where he was looking rather annoyed.  You figured it was just nerves on his end, you couldn't say anything against him about that.  You were nervous too. 

You held hands and did your vows, but instead of him saying his vows to you, he said "Did you fuck my brother?"

The whole crowd gasped and looked at you.  His brother James was the best man, and he too looked just as shocked as you did.  The accusation wasn't true and you said as such.

"Then why was my brother at our house all night when I was gone?"

"You know it's bad luck to see the bride 24 hours before the wedding bro" his brother stepped up, telling the truth "I was only there to help her write her vows to you dude!"

It was then Jeremiah pulled out a gun and shot his brother in the chest, him bleeding out right in front of you.  You screamed and stepped away from him. Your father rushing to him to try and wrestle the gun away.  He shot your father too, him being dead before he hit the ground.  The church was in pandemonium, the people running around to get away from the madman with the gun.

He then turned to you, hugging you close to him and whispering something in your ear before blowing his brains out, spattering your pure white dress with his blood and brain matter.

You had gotten up because you heard something familiar and went to see if what you thought was going on actually was.  You weren't ready to talk about it yet, but the cat was out of the bag now.  You waited until the camera shut off and said "You don't deserve to wear white" causing all the them to jump and look at you, all of them with horrified expressions on their faces.  "That's what he whispered in my ear before he shot himself" you pressed rewind and took the tape out when it was finished.

"He thought I was screwing his brother behind his back" you explained "but I wasn't.   I only called him over to help me write my vows and he was tired so I let him sleep on the sofa" Vince then wished he had waited until she was ready to tell him herself, but that was impossible now.

"Killed his brother, and my father" you then sat down and started softly crying "my mother and brothers wouldn't even talk to me after that.  I spent a year in a psych ward, then wandered around until I got to L.A.  Found all the drugs and booze that could numb the pain" you then went to the kitchen to get yourself a snack like nothing happened.

Vince got up and could only hug you softly "I'm sorry" was all he could say, you feeling him crying on your shoulder.  You touched his arm and cried with him.  Tommy, Nikki and Mick vacated the apartment to give you some privacy.

"That man broke me, Vinny" you turned and hugged into his chest and he looked down at you "even after death, he still broke me...all it took was time and pressure..."

"You know" he pulled away and said "time and pressure make the most beautiful diamonds"  you couldn't help but snort laugh at him and slapped his arm playfully.

"I should have waited until you were ready to tell me" he admitted "I'm sorry for violating that..."

"I don't know if I would have ever told you" you said honestly.

"I wouldn't have asked anyway" he stroked your hair and began kissing you breaking it off to say "I love you.  I always have, and always will..."

"I love you too, Vince"

[kazekura-sama]

I don’t want to be the Duchess Rosalia!

"Edith, Let's break up.." A shaky voice from the phone had said, as if something were stuck inside someone was choking their words, biting their tongue.

"Jeremiah, What's wrong?" The girl asked she was in tears she couldn't hide her tears nor her shaky and trembling voice. Her hands were shaking so much she could barely hear his voice through the phone her hands on the wheel were weak as if she were about to faintly scream again. "What do you mean 'what's wrong?' You were annoying that's all, you couldn't stay apart from me for more than a second. You're a b*tch." He made those words sound so hateful and she left her heart beating faster and it felt as if someone squeezed it.

The lights were red and she had to press on the breaks but she didn't, she was so distracted thinking of the call on the phone with her boyfriend or her once boyfriend that now didn't want anything to do with her. Her tears kept streaming down her cheeks and she couldn't see the red lights and the yells from those in front of her and then the accident happened. She had hit her head and almost lost consciousness the phone in her hand was screaming, "Edith! Edith! Are you alright?!" "Hey! That wasn't a part of the deal Jeremiah!" "Sorry.." A woman's voice. What had she done wrong to deserve such a life like this? Had she bothered him that much? Did he really hate her?

She hadn't known that he had cheated on her or if he just didn't like her anymore. She was so oblivious, so energetic she wouldn't know. Where am I? All I see is my pitch-black surroundings and little golden lights in the space of darkness. I only wanted to love and be loved, my parents gave me all they could so that I could attend college, High School and get a nice job and now look at me, a 23-year-old stuck in this place because of the car crash earlier. If only I had another chance at life, but would I have been different and made different choices?

In my next life, I want to be rich and not have to work at all! Yes! I just want to live a life of luxuries! So that I can forget that Idiotic Man! hehe, Even though I'm being surrounded by darkness I'm still here complaining and laughing along by myself. I'm such an Idiot.

Why did I believe him whenever he said he loved me? I'm such an Idiot!

A light flashed in front of me, but where I was going was distant and unknown to me, I felt so afraid but I guess I was finally going to the afterlife. Heaven or hell if it even existed I didn't know it was so uncertain to me. Almost unfamiliar, I felt warmth as I approached the light in front of me, it radiated through my whole body.

"Miss is awake!"

"The Duchess has awoken alert the royal family!"

"Oh my! She's awake! Call the physicians and the Priests to check on her!"

I could hear screams and I opened my eyes to see such a fancy bed and cozy sheets with a cerulean color added to it, just where was I that I was getting so much attention? Who were the people screaming in excitement and for help? It's the first time in many years that I've heard the screams and voice of concern for me. I'm not sure how much time passed in that black atmospheric place, but I'm glad I'm back.

Suddenly I open my eyes fully and blink a few times everyone stands there amazed. I look at my hands and they were so soft and fragile, so skinny you could see the bones popping out. "W-Where am I?"

"Miss, You were in a coma for a few months, after the accident in the carriage along with both the duchess and the duke. You were the only one to survive. Forgive me, Miss."

"It's alright...uh..."

"Oh my, you must've hit your head really hard Miss..." The old maid said, she seemed to be worried and anxious fidgeting with her fingers continuously.

"No I just got stuck for a second I need some water... Please, Melissa?" I said, and smiled at her nicely, her face suddenly lit up and she started running anxiously towards the door and walked out slamming the door harshly. Just where am I? Is this a dream? I must be hallucinating from that car accident. Wait- If I'm a Duchess then that would mean I'm rich, right? I belong to the royal family and that means I can have as many luxuries as I want! I can have whatever dessert I desire! I don't even have to work! Thank you, god! you're are so holy and righteous to have given me my dream life!

"Duchess Rosalia I see you're doing better, better than expected." A woman with white hair and green eyes showed up and she was really beautiful I could really not describe her. There was this weird sensation I felt as if she was not wanted here, "Yes, I'm doing better Your Highness, Beatrix." She is the mother of the crown prince, Elijah Nicolas Theodore, meaning that this kingdom is Theodore. Her name is Beatrix Isadora Theodore, the king's 5th wife.

I can already look through Rosalia's memories and from what I can see she is a very shy and timid girl, but someone used to be her playmate from when she was still 6. After that, the duchess and the duke forbade her from meeting him because he was supposedly ill. Now she doesn't like going near him since she was ordered to be away from him directly from the king and queen of this kingdom.

"I came as soon as I heard you were sick, Rosalia?"

"I-" No I mustn't talk, my throat already feels sore, so I must avoid talking all I can, since I don't want to end up mute. but how can I forget what Jeremiah did to me? What deal was he talking about with that woman? Was she his lover? his new girlfriend? No! No! that is all in the past I must forget all about that disgusting, despicable man!

"Rosalia?"

"Miss, I've brought you some water! Oh! My lady, please forgive me for being so rude and obnoxious...!" I already learned what I must say in this place, it seems that I've been brought back to medieval times. But here there exists what they call saints and saintesses, men and women with holy and divine powers, which was what one of the maids had mentioned earlier, but they said priests instead of saints/saintesses.

"My Dear Rosalia, I'm glad you're alive." Alive my ass! You literally put my life on the line by making up the carriage accident, but then I wouldn't be here, to begin with so, I guess I should also thank you for giving me so much money and inheritance. Thanks, Aunt Beatrix. She sat on my bed and hugged me with tears in her eyes, maybe because she knows I'm timid and I wouldn't dare do anything to her or maybe because she's queen she dares do that.

Edith, You can do this! You too can act like her!

"My Dear Aunt I too was afraid during the carriage accident, I was so afraid I didn't know what to expect and I was in utter grief when I learned of my parents' deaths." Once those words slipped out of my mouth she had distanced herself and she was in utter shock and disbelief but I wanted it to seem real so I grew tears in my eyes, and it seemed like a river of sadness and happiness for the wealth I was suddenly inheriting. I sit up in my bed and then I notice the white seamed dress on my slim, fragile body. This girl, Rosalia, has never exercised or even practiced the sword. How useless.

"Rosalia...I'm so sorry to hear that..." She said weeping, as if they were even related, I'm sorry my ass! what the hell is she even talking about?! She's just talking trash! I'm seriously going to beat her up someday, if she weren't the queen I would've already seen to her execution.

"I'll get better, Queen Beatrix, your highness, but may I ask why you're here?"

"I heard the news of the carriage accident so I wanted to see you as soon as possible."

"I see..." She's so good at faking it all! even Rosalia was afraid of hurting the queen in some way because of her power, the power and wealth she held in her hands. her son is nothing like her though since she is only his stepmother. haha! Blegh! She's a witch, a beautiful witch that can hex people whenever. ugh, I hate this. When will this end?

----Kazekura-Sama! out!

[jeromevalseka]

What are all of your jonathan/bruce headcanons 👀👀👀

alright so i put my (rambling, awful) headcanon for how they meet (because the show hates me and has purposefully kept them apart) above the cut, and below the cut i put more general (no less rambling or awful) headcanons but This is not Nearly all my headcanons or even close because i don’t know how to do things half way ty for enabling me

the first thing that’s important to understand is that bruce and jonathan know about each other already. jonathan is The Scarecrow. he held the city hostage with the other members of the league of horribles, he wears a patchwork scarecrow costume, he carries a scythe around. he’s not exactly incognito.

bruce is better at the whole operating secretly thing.

marginally.

the point is that bruce’s transition to batman isn’t as secret as he would like it to be. sure the average citizen in gotham has no idea who he is, but before bruce was good at the operating secretly thing, he was really bad at it. so bad, in fact, that for most of the criminals in gotham it’s not hard to connect the dots.

(which leads to an interesting rouge dynamic that i will avoid talking about now, however much i want to)

anyways the point is bruce may think he’s being subtle and jonathan may be a dumbass (i say with great love) but jonathan also knew, worked with, was, potentially, friends with jerome valeska.

jerome valeska who had a minor (at least when looking back retrospectively, when considering jeremiah, when considering the state of the city) obsession with bruce wayne.

jonathan and bruce knew about each other. that’s key. they knew bits and pieces, miscellaneous crimes and acts and character traits all gathered through second-hand sources. they knew about each other. let an idea build up about what the other was like, but when they meet

it’s not like they expected.

they meet when the city begins reunifying with the mainland. bruce isn’t exactly isolated but circumstances have made things fraught. (bane broke alfred’s back, jim has his hands tied between working with the government and little barbara, selina is as complicated as ever) so bruce isn’t isolated but he is alone and throwing himself headlong into dangerous situations.

one of those situations happens, of course, to involve jonathan crane.

it’s pretty standard. jonathan is trying to steal medical supplies from someone’s private stockpile. bruce is trying to stop him. they banter. they fight. they click.

bruce ends up leaving him handcuffed to a fire escape, his henchmen knocked out around him. later, that will be a joke they share. at that moment, though, it’s the igniting incident.

they usually meet in dingy, rundown dives around town. it doesn’t matter the circumstance (arkham breakout, generalized chaos, mob war getting out of hand, failing a psych midterm, etc) that’s where they’ll be.

jonathan knows bruce is batman (as established) but bruce doesn’t know that jonathan knows

that’s important, especially when considering that post-reunification a lot of records on arkham inmates were lost and bruce, ever a good person (and also in the wake of everything that happened with jeremiah) decided to use wayne enterprises infulence to push rehabilitation of the most at-risk inmates

listen. all i’m saying is that bruce pays for jonathan’s undergrad degree and his masters and his phd.

(jonathan being a doctor is something very important to me and also to bruce i guess)

inevitably this leads to the fun scenario in which jonathan flirts with bruce knowing that bruce is batman, fully aware that two nights ago they beat the shit out of each other, while bruce is unaware that he knows and is left floundering wondering if it would really be that bad to flirt with the scarecrow because he might, unfortunatley, have some feelings about him

you can imagine how that goes

jonathan calls bruce “baby” A Lot. all the time.

bruce likes to play with his fingers, hold his hand, casual intimacy

sorry but i just love the idea of the media having no idea that jonathan is the scarecrow or that bruce is batman so they’re constantly reporting about bruce wayne and his boyfriend doctor crane attending a charity auction for victims of the [insert some disaster that jonathan caused]

(was jonathan ever publically revealed to be the scarecrow? like obviously jim and the gcpd know and the government/any arkham employee left, but was it public knowledge? let me pretend that it wasn’t)

when jonathan’s arrested and tossed in arkham bruce has to play the teary eyed boyfriend who just wants his poor johnny to get the help he deserves. cut to bruce, two hours later, throwing him in a dumpster and yelling

overall, i think they probably managed to keep their relationship a secret in its early stages (especially early on in reunification) but i love the idea of literally everyone who matters finding out at the same time

jim would lose his shit like completely. so would alfred, probably.

jonathan doesn’t have any friends really (jervis tetch does not count and should stay away from jonathan entirely) so i’m going to put it out there that him and bridgit would be great friends and would definetly shit talk their respective bf/gf (because bridgit and selina would be dating in this perfect world ofc)

for angst consider that one time when bruce gets sprayed with his fear toxin, jonathan doesn’t escape right afterwards and instead stays and listens as bruce cries out for his parents and he, somehow, ends up in the position of holding bruce as he rides out the effects (he leaves before bruce comes back to his senses fully but still. the sight of bruce like that affected him more than he would care to admit)

you know what jim would definitely make some dumb joke about how his daughter is going to be surrounded by criminals forever when he finally reconciles with bruce, but he;d still put his foot down and would not let bruce babysit babs if there’s a chance jonathan would be around

one time, i don’t claim to understand the context of this, at like a christmas party or something in the iceberg lounge they makeout in front of everyone (the rouges and jim/lee and whoever else i never claimed to plan things out well) and idk i just think its neat

bruce will take any excuse to rip jonathan’s mask off. he hates it. he wants to see his face god damnit

in this ideal world bruce will have ace the bat hound and yes, jonathan may be more of a cat person, but damn that dog helped keep them together when they first got started

listen this is already long so i’ll shut up but consider: what does jonathan’s accent do to bruce?

[ilovearticlesoffaith-blog]

God Loves You with a Greater Love

This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you. GREATER LOVE HATH NO MAN THAN THIS, that a man lay down his life for his friends. Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you.

John 15:12-14

The great love of God will change your life forever. This love is greater than anything found on earth. When a man says to a woman, “I love you”, it cannot be compared to the greater love that I am writing about in this book. Your mother may love you, your father may love you; but none of them will die for you. Your boyfriend may love you and your girlfriend may love you, but none will die for you. This book is about the greater love of God. When you open up your heart to receive this great love, you will be born again. If you open up your heart to this great love from God, you will become a new creation and live a totally different life. If you open up your heart to this great love from God, you will escape your punishment in Hell. You deserve to go to Hell and so do I. But through the love of God who sent His only Son that we might not perish, we can be born again! Hallelujah! We can become new creatures! We can escape the outer darkness and the torments of Hell. What manner of love is this that we can be called the children of God? What great salvation has been shown to us that Jesus should shed His blood to save us from our sins! I want you to open up your heart and enjoy the great salvation that Christ offers to you. I am sad to say that many Christians do not understand salvation. That is why I am writing this book. Salvation is rarely preached about these days. It is time for us to bring back the solid foundations on which Christianity will forever stand.

Seven Things You Should Know about Greater Love

1. There are different kinds of love, but Jesus’ love is the greatest. God has a special kind of love which is the greatest kind of love in existence. Just look at these Scriptures which describe God’s love. What manner of love is this? God’s love is the great love, the everlasting love and the greater love.

Behold, what MANNER OF LOVE the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God: therefore the world knoweth us not, because it knew him not.

1 John 3:1

But God, who is rich in mercy, FOR HIS GREAT LOVE wherewith he loved us, even when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us together with Christ, (by grace ye are saved;)

Ephesians 2:4-5

And we have known and believed THE LOVE THAT GOD HATH TO US. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him. Herein is our love made perfect, that we may have boldness in the day of judgment: because as he is, so are we in this world. 1 John 4:16-17

The LORD hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with AN EVERLASTING LOVE: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee. Jeremiah 31:3

The Beloved and the Greater Love I once knew a young lady who had a beloved. This beloved young man wanted to marry the young lady but he did not treat her well. He seemed to be torn between his beloved and some other girls. Their relationship was tumultuous, to say the least. One day, this young lady finally came home and said, “It’s over.” She was tearful because her heart was broken by the broken relationship. But I comforted her and told her that God would give her somebody else, an even better beloved. After some months God answered our prayers and a nice young man came out of nowhere and fell in love with her. They seemed to be enjoying their relationship and one day I asked the young lady, “How is your new relationship?”

She smiled and said, “It’s far greater than the first relationship. God has been good to me.” In other words, she was experiencing a greater love and a better relationship. So I asked her, “Why is this relationship better?” She said, “I didn’t even know that this is how happy I could be. I didn’t know there was a much greater love that I could experience.” Indeed, this young lady experienced a greater kind of love. This is how God’s love is. It is a far greater kind of love. What manner of love is this?

2. The love of Jesus is greater than ‘the love of brothers’.

Seeing ye have purified your souls in obeying the truth through the Spirit UNTO UNFEIGNED LOVE OF THE BRETHREN, see that ye love one another with a pure heart fervently.

1 Peter 1:22

Many families have disintegrated despite the fact that they are related. They break up and fight each other time and time again. The love of Jesus must be far greater than the love between brethren.

The Kidney Donation

One day, there was a prayer meeting in which prayers were offered up for a brother who needed a kidney donation. They declared their love for this brother and wanted him to continue to live through a kidney donation. However, as the prayer meeting went on, they realised that no one was prepared to donate his kidney even though that was what they were praying about. Finally, the leader of the prayer meeting decided to allow God to choose whose kidney should be donated.

So he took a feather and told the gathering that he was going to throw the feather in the air and whoever it landed on would have to donate his kidney. Everyone agreed to this process of divine selection. He threw the feather in the air. Up it went and came sailing down, amazingly, in the direction of the leader himself. Suddenly, the leader began to shout and blow at the feather so that it would not come to him. It was evident that no one was prepared to donate his kidney; not even the leader. It is one thing to say you love someone but it is another thing to have the “greater love” which makes you sacrifice yourself for him.

3. The love of Jesus is greater than the love of women. Many songs have been written about the love of women. Actually, most songs are written about the love between men and women and yet much of the pain in the world comes from the break-up of the relationships between men and women. Oh, how easily the love of women goes sour! The love I am writing about is the greater love.

I am distressed for thee, my brother Jonathan: very pleasant hast thou been unto me: THY LOVE TO ME WAS WONDERFUL, PASSING THE LOVE OF WOMEN.

2 Samuel 1:26

AND JACOB LOVED RACHEL; and said, I will serve thee seven years for Rachel thy younger daughter. And Laban said, It is better that I give her to thee, than that I should give her to another man: abide with me. And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her Genesis 29:18-20

AND THE KING LOVED ESTHER ABOVE ALL THE WOMEN, and she obtained grace and favour in his sight more than all the virgins; so that he set the royal crown upon her head, and made her queen instead of Vashti. Esther 2:17

The love of women is the love of the female body; with this kind of love the woman gives her body to a man to indulge him. The love of women is short-lived. Most women are unable to keep the attention of a man for very long. I had a friend who had two girlfriends. I asked him how he could have two girlfriends at the same time. Then he answered, “I used to have eight girlfriends when I was in sixth form but now that I am in the university I have only two.” This young man had a very short attention span for the different women in his life. The love of Jesus lasts longer than the lust a man has for different women. The love of Jesus has lasted throughout the centuries. It has persisted until it reached you and me. The love of Jesus Christ is a far greater kind of love than the love a man can have for a woman. There are limitations with this love of women. Even the most intense couples need counselling shortly after they are married. Many who say “I love you”; “You’re my dream”; “I’m so happy I met you” will often say the same things to another person. Obviously there is something missing in this “love for women”.

The Widow

There was a certain pastor who lived happily with his wife until he died unexpectedly. The wife was heartbroken and she cried continually. Her pastor tried to counsel her but she could not be comforted. One day, she went to the graveside and wept from morning to evening. As she cried she scratched and clawed at the grave. She wanted to pull her husband out of the grave.

One day, the pastor had a vision and he was taken to Heaven where he saw the husband of this lady. To his amazement, this man was very happy in Heaven. He spoke to the pastor and told him that he was very happy to be in Heaven. The pastor told him, “Your wife is crying every day and she cannot be comforted.” Then the dead pastor told him something truly shocking. He said, “Oh, don’t worry about my wife. The Lord told me when I got here that she was going to be okay and that He was even going to give her a new husband who would be better than me.” He said, “Please tell my wife when you go that this is what the Lord said.” “But she won’t believe me.” “Don’t worry, the pastor said, I will tell you a secret between her and me. When you tell her she will know that you have spoken to me.” Then the dead husband told him a secret that only he and his wife knew. After the vision, the pastor called this woman and told her that he had seen her husband and that she was going to have a new husband who would be better than the old one. She said, “No way, it can never happen. I will never have a new husband and no one could be better than my husband.” Then he told her the secret. She screamed and said, “You have been standing outside our window to listen to our conversation.” It was then that she realised that it was a real vision. As time passed she did marry again. One day the pastor asked her, “How is your new marriage?” She smiled sheepishly and said, “Indeed this new husband is far greater than my first husband. I am experiencing a greater love.”

This lady experienced greater love in her second marriage. Indeed, there are lesser and greater kinds of love but Jesus’ love is a far greater love than the love of women or the love of brethren.

4. The love of Jesus is greater than the love of a nation. People claim to love their countries. But when the country is poor, they claim citizenship of another country if they can. A lot of Ghanaians and Nigerians have changed their nationalities and are now proud to be British, American, Italian and German citizens. People change their accents and dissociate from their countries at the slightest opportunity. But Jesus Christ stayed by His cross and died for the whole world. The love of Jesus Christ is far greater than the love anyone can have for his country.

5. The love of Jesus is greater than the love of a mother for her children.

Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? Yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee.

Isaiah 49:15

Mothers can and do forget their children. Some mothers drop their children on the doorstep of another and turn away forever. Indeed, the love of a mother is a great thing to behold. But it cannot be compared to the greater love that Jesus exhibited when He gave up His life for the whole world.

6. The love of Jesus is greater love because He sacrificed Himself for us. This love is greater because one usually gives something when he loves. Jesus did not give us money, houses or cars as some do; He laid down his life! He gave His life; He did not live to be seventy years. He poured out His blood for us. The blood is the life. He gave us His life by giving His blood.

HEREBY PERCEIVE WE THE LOVE OF GOD, because he laid down his life for us: and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.

1 John 3:16

And from Jesus Christ, who is the faithful witness, and the first begotten of the dead, and the prince of the kings of the earth. UNTO HIM THAT LOVED US, AND WASHED US from our sins IN HIS OWN BLOOD.

Revelation 1:5

The Man in the Deep Freezer

One day, a young man met a lady and told her how much he loved her. This young lady was enthralled by the love the young man showered on her and decided to marry him. They got married, moved into their new house and bought furniture, a deep freezer, a fridge and all the things they needed to make a happy home. One night, they were in bed when armed robbers broke into the house. The husband managed to escape into the living room and did not know where to go next. When he saw the new empty deep freezer, an idea occurred to him to jump into it and hide in it. When the armed robbers could not find him, they beat up his wife and maltreated her. As the wife screamed and called for help the husband was nowhere to be found because he was hiding in the deep freezer. When the armed robbers finally left, he came out of the deep freezer to console his wife. But she would have none of it. “You don’t love me,” she said. “If you had loved me you would have come out of the deep freezer to save me.” The husband said, “I love you but not that much.” Then he continued, “Don’t you understand? There is nothing much that I could have done. Those guys would have killed me. I would have lost my life trying to save you. I would have been a hero but I would have lost my life.”

Later on when the lady went to church, she heard the pastor preaching, “Greater love hath no man than this that a man lay down his life for his friends.” Then she realized that her husband had been unable to lay down his life for her. Even though he did love her to an extent, her husband’s love could not be compared with the love that Jesus had for her. Jesus Christ laid down His life for her. Her husband did not do that.

7. You shall not escape if you neglect such a great love. To ignore, to despise and to neglect the greater love of Jesus is to leave yourself to suffering and unhappiness. If you reject such great love, I wonder who will love you in future.

How shall we escape, if we neglect so great salvation; which at first began to be spoken by the Lord, and was confirmed unto us by them that heard him;

Hebrews 2:3

The Desperate Beauty

When I was in the university, I knew many beautiful Christian girls. There was this particular Christian girl who was outstandingly beautiful. All the young men wanted to be in a relationship with her and marry her. She received many letters from many young men. She simply read every letter and made fun of the people who had written to her. She would show the letters to her friends and they would have a good laugh. Eventually, she left the university and fewer and fewer young men were interested in her. At a point no one proposed to her anymore. As the years went by, she became desperate and decided to join a church where the pastor did not have a wife. After some time she realised that the pastor was not noticing her so she decided to dance in front of him during the praise and worship time. Somehow, he still did not notice her.

Eventually, she decided to go and propose to the pastor herself. She went up to him and said, “I would like to marry you. Will you marry me or not?” But he did not want to marry her. How embarrassed she was! What a shame! Someone who was desired by so many people now had no one who loved her and wanted her. You see, if you reject great love you will one day regret it. A day will come when you will not get such love showered on you. You will live to discover that you cannot escape if you neglect the way of salvation that Jesus brings. The Grieving Widow

One day, I met a lady whose husband had died. Her husband had been a pastor who had died in his early forties. She told me how her husband loved to pass by her and make swipes. She said, “Anytime he walked past me at home, he would touch me. But I did not like it. I did not appreciate his constant touching.” She proceeded to tell me about how he had been stricken by cancer in the midst of his years. According to her, a time came when he would lie down at home, unable to raise his hands. She would pass by him, as at other times, but this time he could neither raise his hands nor give her one of his cuddles. She said, “As he lay there dying I wished so much that he would stretch his hand and touch me like he used to.” But it was all over. She had rejected his love many times but wished she could have it again. The very thing you reject may be the only way by which God will bless you. Open your heart to the greater love of Jesus and enjoy His love, forgiveness and blessing.

by Dag Heward-Mills

[sea-lilli]

I’ve got some negativity to spew. I don’t feel it’s a lot, like last time, but it’s something I’ve been keeping in. My boyfriend and his daughter. I love him, probably. I’ve been waiting until all my parts are on board with saying it. One of the things holding back has been his daughter tho. I feel like if I said “I love you” to him, I’d have to also love her. And you know what, she is legitimately growing on me. I genuinely care for her. I appreciate how wild she is now, when it used to stress me out. She’s like my little buddy now. So parts of me do love her. Mostly all of my parts like her and some like her a lot. Idk about love yet.

The other day Jeremiah and I had a fight, a big one in terms of impact, but small in terms of fight management / relationship. Jeremiah wasn’t feeling well from his surgery, and so he was cranky. He was going off on a rant to me about how I am with Ramona. He said she will manipulate me, and doesn’t need to be coddled. Said that I was coddling her and teaching her to be sad when she wasn’t even necessarily sad to begin with. That she could get over her sadness.

So I took it in, and wasn’t going to say anything, but then something inside of me (Big?) was like, no! Speak your truth. It’s your responsibility and he needs to know now how you feel. Plus, Jeremiah had started, I think, to realize what a shitty thing that was, tho he didn’t get why, bc he started softening the rant. So I educated. I was so pissed I educated him on mental health and ended up telling him that Ramona could not express her feelings to him, because any time she gives him an emotion other than “happy,” he tells her she is faking it. I said it to be kind, because I really don’t think he saw it. But I said it mostly, because I was feeling frustrated he didn’t see it for himself. And I was frustrated that he is so much older, but still less emotionally intelligent than I am. But I was also angry at myself, because I know that’s a judgmental way to look at it- he didn’t have to go through the years of therapy I needed to.

He denied it very quickly, but I could tell it hurt him (in a good way) and made him think. And I think he’s made a change. He’s been.. kinder to her. He talked to me about how his parents treated him as a kid with his emotions and said that’s why he followed that path with her. Has made comments about knowing he needs to be careful about what he says to her when he’s in pain, because he’s cranky.

Anyway, that’s all resolved now. Our relationship is good. But then today. Ramona is sleeping over two nights in a row. So she will be here tonight, tmr and a little bit of Sunday morning.

I’m in a position at work where I’ve finally mostly adapted - but it’s still hard work. Even when my shifts are easy, it’s still stressful because it’s working with kids, and I’m not all the way comfortable with them yet. I don’t have much experience with them, because I spent my 20s (I can say things like that now) completely avoiding the shit out of them, other than a spare few. Anyway, I’m requesting a week where I can have two days off, but my supervisor is saying it will not be until next weeks schedule.

I’m worn out. I go to work, the kids need me. Specifically, Kiara needs me. She’s living in this potential DCS home mirroring what I went through as a kid. I see her multiple times a week. I’m the main support. I have to schedule massive self care to be able to support her. The parents need me to help them be better parents. My sister needs me. Ophelia needs me. My friends need me. My boyfriend has had major surgery and needs me. And Ramona needs me, hard, because I’ve been meeting needs of hers that her dad hasn’t been able to meet because of his surgery.

I just need some time alone where someone doesn’t need me. Where I can just take care of myself. *I* need me. And it was an incredibly difficult thing to do, to show up for myself first, because I ~do~ want to spend time with Ramona, and I do want to help Jeremiah, but I also… love me. I choose me first, always. I can’t pour from an empty cup. And my cup is 3/4 filled up but it’s still missing 1/4. I need my cup to be overflowing, if so many people need me. I can’t operate at a high level and be there for people in the way I want to be, if my own cup isn’t flowing.

There’s a part of me that doesn’t like Jeremiah. That says he just wants me there to basically babysit Ramona… to take off some of his responsibility. Because I can make Ramona just completely ignore him, she is so engaged with me. He can do whatever he wants to do and have freedom. He gets the benefits of having a kid, but not the hard parts if I’m taking the lead.

Which I also get. I would be the same way too. But also, I’m not a babysitter. I’m not the one who decided to have a kid. I listened to what people were saying about having kids and I steered clear. Also? It takes a shit ton of energy to take the lead always with her. Because i don’t have experience. Also, she just doesn’t… stop. It’s not my role to be a parent to her, or the favorite one at that.

I end up feeling resentful sometimes about the amount of energy I’m giving her. Especially now that I have to support all these kids, all the time. I feel like I need to ration my energy. It’s hard to keep up on my self care. And then I feel guilty about feeling resentful. For one, Jeremiah does it all the time. But also- he’s the one who had the kid, not me. I also feel the teensiest bit resentful because I’m not the main focus of Jeremiah when Ramona is around. It’s just the teensiest bit tho. But things change when she is around. I don’t get cuddled, touched, etc. We are like friends. Which is fine, but I miss that part of our relationship when she’s around. I also like that it’s almost like dating two different people in one. ❤️

Also, I made this choice, because, and I know this isn’t super healthy to hold onto stuff like this, and maybe an indicator it’s not all the way resolved, but the last time we had an argument, Jeremiah criticized the shit out of the way I interact with Ramona. He was judgy and mean, and tried to force me to conform to the type of parent he is. Which is a good type, but the stuff with emotions is not good. Also, my way is valid too, and I have never pushed that onto him (until pushed, and even then, just pointed out a flaw in his logic). I guess what I’m saying is that it wasn’t very fair, either. I also felt like he wanted me to throw away all of my years of therapy / emotional education, because of his opinions. He tried to put a lot onto me.

He’d also done it before, when we made pink sparkly unicorn cupcakes. I let Ramona dump the whole container of sprinkles onto the cupcakes, and he was angry. He’d walked away and let me deal with her by myself, instead of participating. So I guess a part of me was getting even with him for that, but a bigger part was like.. well? I bought them FOR her. They brought so much joy to do the sprinkles, and for so little money. Who else was ever gonna let her do sprinkles like that? She deserved sprinkle cupcakes. It was the best day ever with her. I’ve had fun with her before, but it’s always been stressful. This was JUST fun. I took a photo of them to save, because it was so great. It makes me smile each time I see it.

Anyway, on the way back from her mom’s house, Jeremiah was lecturing me and giving me all these rules about sugar etc. Started telling me to not undermine him, or break rules with her (she has specific sugar rules). He said because of the cupcake incident, that he could see me just feeding her sugar and being like “it’s okay! Just eat all the sugar!” .. which is totally not even related, and also not very fair. I always respect rules. He didn’t set any rules before he left me alone with her, so it was my rules. And I decided it wasn’t a big deal. He also said Ramona was manipulating me, because she knew her sugar rules, and that I didn’t know them. But she didn’t manipulate me. It was a conscience choice for me to allow her to do the sprinkle cupcakes. I will always remember it, and she probably will too.

So yah. That’s why I chose to not come back over tmr. I have to take care of me. + the feelings with him about that fight / him saying that stuff about me as a parent role.. without actually saying I would be in that role. Sometimes also I feel like he looks at me and sees a walking uterus. I know that’s also part projection tho. But it does bother me. I’m not a mom. I’m not a potential mom. I’m good with kids, but I don’t want them for me, and if Jeremiah didn’t have one, I probably wouldn’t have any more in my life than necessary.

He also made it very weird for me with Ramona now. Because I know he is judging me and thinking I’m too soft, gonna be manipulated by a seven year old.. etc. I just don’t wanna deal. It’s too much on top of others. I’m sorry Ramona has to feel the impacts, but also, 🤷🏼‍♀️. I need to value myself above others. Also, I feel that Jeremiah needs to reappreciate how much I help with her.

I feel guilty for saying that too. Bc he has been doing so much better since we had that fight. He’s been more taking the lead and more involved, less cranky, etc. I can see him being a good dad. But also, it’s the bare minimum to treat your kid okay (low bar for him to cross bc male). And I still have these feelings. I think it really hurt me when he was expecting all that from me and that maybe it was a boundary violation, but I didn’t realize until later that my boundaries had been crossed. Or that I crossed my own boundaries. But I’m not sure.

[sapphicscholar]

I feel like nobody pointed this out, but I really hate the fact that Eliza kind of brushed off on Alex's pain. When she went to the balcony to talk with Kara, she said something like Alex is not a closed off person and that she's more worried about Kara? I'm not saying Kara is not hurting, but it has been 6 months, if she really want to care, it shouldve been months ago, not when her elder daughter is there, hurting cause she broke up with the person that made her be herself (1/2)

(2/2) I dont know I just feel like Eliza really cares more about Kara than Alex and it makes me feel so sad. Eliza and Alex barely even talked in the whole episode, and it just feels weird to have a mother, ask about her younger daughter’s emotions after a break up that happened 6 months ago, rather than her elder daughter that broke up with her FIANCEE yesterday. I just feel like the writers really at least couldve a scene between Alex and Eliza talking like how they did with her coming out.

Yeah, it was an odd oversight (I say as though that’s not a statement that could characterize the majority of the post-Adler show writing, even down to the writers’ inability to maintain a consistent internal timeline). On the one hand, it makes a little bit of sense with Eliza’s characterization, insofar as we’ve seen Eliza falling into the mentality before where she assumes that Alex’s strength is something intrinsic to her, rather than something she took on and developed as a kind of armor from the time she was 14-years old an alien arrived at her home, changing her life forever (thinking here of Eliza’s, ”Alex, you are the strongest of us all; your father always said that” from 1x20, or Eliza’s speech from 1x05 about how she was harder on Alex because Kara had already lost so much and she didn’t know how to do anything but accept her, while she could push her daughter to do better because she believed in her, even if she didn’t show it in the best or healthiest of ways). So in that sense, sure, maybe Eliza thinks that Alex can handle it and worries about Kara dealing with yet another loss (and, I’m operating under the assumption that Alex, in trying to maintain her newly improved relationship with her mother, tries to talk to Eliza on the phone semi-regularly and likely mentioned her frustration and worries about how Kara was, or, more accurately, wasn’t, coping with the loss of Mon-El).

All that being said:

1) The fact that Eliza said Alex isn’t closed off (which, weird…but okay, maybe we’re trusting that she noticed that change in her daughter under Maggie’s influence) should have made it more likely that Eliza would go talk to her daughter. If she still thought Alex was closed off and unwilling to talk about her feelings, maybe giving her time and space to process on her own would have made a bit more sense, but if she thinks Alex is willing to be open, she should have fucking gone to her and let her be open and break down and have her mom there for her (esp since we got the whole line about what it means to be a mom and have a child in pain)! But instead we just see her calling Alex strong and brave…again…and leaving her to deal with it on her own.

2) Given how excited Eliza was about the wedding just three episodes prior to this one…no way does she simply ignore the fact that it’s not happening anymore and act like it’s just some breakup that Alex will get over soon enough. It ignores the characterization that the writers had literally just given to her. Plus, knowing that all of this happened supposedly because Alex is dying to have children, it seems like something that someone who is, you know, herself a MOM might be able to speak to with a bit more understanding. 

But at the end of the day, it seems to come down to the post-season 2A writers’ unwillingness to consistently give Alex’s story the time and emotional depth it deserves. In the same way that we’re supposed to overlook the fact that Alex and Maggie waited until what seemed like days (at most a couple of weeks) before the wedding (wine in those decorative jugs they were drinking out of in 3x05 doesn’t keep like wine properly sealed in bottles, so it can’t have been far out from the date) to have any conversation about what they wanted their family to look like (literally the basis of pledging to spend the rest of one’s life with another person), we’re also supposed to believe that Alex and Maggie will choose to never see one another again (at least for the duration of the season), that Alex will hop right into bed with someone new in a matter of a short few episodes after losing the love of her life in a fairly amicable (if still heartbreaking) way, and that Alex doesn’t need much outside help to get over her loss, as though it didn’t just rend apart the life she envisioned with the woman who finally helped her to be herself. 

Oh, and of course making sure that we saw Eliza talking to Kara about her own breakup and how devastating it was just sets up whatever emotional foreshadowing they think we need to be properly surprised (lolz) and moved (double lolz) when Mon-El shows up with his new wife next week and the focus can go back to Kara’s grief over him, rather than the more comprehensive narrative of emotional trauma we could get that focuses on her loss of him as just the latest in a string of losses that have shaped her entire life (her planet, her home, her family, her first real friend on earth, her foster father–twice, her aunt and only remaining connections to her home planet, her boyfriend, etc.). 

I’ll end now because otherwise I’ll rant for days, but I like to think that Eliza, while certainly not perfect as a mother, has grown and come to better understand the ways she failed Alex after Kara’s arrival and Jeremiah’s “death,” and has worked to fix her relationship with her older daughter since the Thanksgiving episode in season 1, even if that development was left off screen. And I think the Eliza we’re led to believe she became would have been there for her daughter, would have sat with her and let her cry or yell or vent–whatever it was she needed–just like I think Kara wouldn’t have immediately yelled at Alex for taking one freakin night to be a “mean drunk” after losing the love of her life. But I suppose that’s left to fanfic because it’s just too much to expect the show writers to do their job when they have a self-insert character they’re so desperate to bring back and give more screen time to at the expense of their leading fucking heroine and her co-leads.