#and I AM GETTING TIRED OF MARCH
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#oh goodie *another* event coming with march in it#hoyo i used to like her but i'm starting to not!!!!#bc of fucking OVEREXPOSURE#she was part of jarilo and part of xzl#and part of this event and that event and now another event#and I AM GETTING TIRED OF MARCH#please can we get to be with another express character that is NOT MARCH??#like can i do stuff with himeko and welt together#can we do stuff WITH DAN HENG and not separate from him??#even the ghost event which seemed to be non march STILL HAD MARCH IN IT#siiiiiiighhhhhhh#boy it's just like sim universe#where i'm like boy here is a thing i dislike or am starting to dislike#and hoyo is like LOOK WHAT IS THE ONLY THING YOU'RE GOING TO GET IN EVERY BIT OF NEW CONTENT LOLOL FOREVER AND EVER#please ignore my sr bs#it's so sad we're not even properly to march's backstory but i'm so fed up and done with her i don't want it at all#even before it's happened
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I bring to thee some quick late night Viktuuri sketches because I think we could all use some fluff
#some viktuuri for the soul!#my blorbos are always in my mind even if im not creating for them in that moment#they never leave <3#their eepy leepiness is a reflection of moi and i love their eepy leepiness for them i hope theyre getting some great naps#just some calm and quiet#love that for them#also this isnt the first time i draw in like two months what are you talking about?#the last art i posted totally wasnt from the 14th of march shhhhh the date on the post is definitely wrong source trust me#no but like i have been so dead for months#dont expect to see much art from me before july when my break starts and i can stop being stressed out of my mind#now i can be one of those tortured artist types except i havent done any art to communicate how sad i am#tbh im just tired i just wanna sleep#am i gonna? youre funny of course not but now i can at least pretend my awake time was vaguely productive#yuri on ice#yuri on ice fanart#fanart#art#arom antix art#arom antix#viktor nikiforov#kastuki yuuri#viktuuri
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okay eeeerrrrr band camp crying chronicals part two!
#hurricane aftermath is hitting is straight on and uhm#so we cant go outside tomorrow#too much rain and whatnot#so we were told to have silent rehearsal after dinner#in which we only speak when given permission or asking an adult a question#well uhm#someone ended up. having a panic attack on the field#so we COULDNT keep running rehearsals because. half the band started crying afterwards#and so uhm.#we only got 1.5 hrs of evening rehearsal in#because it started pouring during our break#so#yeah uhm. that happened#there'll be part 3 tmrrw#senjor speeches....#dolirants#marching band ministrations#i csnt stress rhis enough#band camp is one of the most stressful weeks#i am overworked' overwhelmed' physically and emotionally tired' and. more things#this sucks bur i love our show#it gets better it gets better i SWEAR.
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i got to this age without becoming an hypochondriac i’d appreciate not starting now
#bleh#its one 24 am im fucking wide awake with anxiety on fifteen different fronts#and i need to get a thing checked that is giving me major hypocondria vibes that’s yeah good#/s#it’s not even mid march can we fucking NOT#personal for ts#exactly what i needed to not give myself more reasons tobe tired#not that i did anything to cause the thing but eh#i just hope when i pass out i pass the fuck out until tomorrow#b l e h#just utter bleh
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missing venti hours
#i am having thoughts . but i am not too confident to make them their own posts#mmmost notably#about how nice of a thought it is — to imagine a bard that ven can get to hold again. to hear again#but . the idea that in canon . the best he could do to replicate that feeling is either holding himself and pressing softly or perhaps#gathering a long pillow in his arms and pretending#because mortals do not last long (not without consequence). and as said so much — time is merciless. it matters not how the clock ticks away#for you. whether it be by seconds or minutes. hours or years. it marches along regardless of anyone’s feelings to it#and you have to grasp at what lingers in between : the bonds that you make . the joy and sorrow . the laughing and silence#and you have to hold them close close close. to preserve them for another day#there is no getting back what was lost#but that’s a bit too bittersweet so anyways#first and foremost ven is a nuisance and we love him for that#secondly and much more importantly than the first point is that ven is full of love and care that it surprises me how it does not burst out#from him. ven puts others before himself A LOT. he wants everyone to be able to live peacefully. happily#to find that they can live another day with a smile#and if that means assuring them of what’s to come. or offering them a shoulder to cry on. or making a fool of himself#then by the heavens himself will he sign up for the task#he is not !!! a lazy archon i refuse this notion#he cares deeply for his people !!! he watches and he will help if they stumble and will back away when they wish to walk forwards on their#own !! and they will make mistakes and they will learn from them and he will be there …!!!!! to see them grow !!!!!#besides mondstadt doesn’t particularly ?? seem like they want a god to truly rule over them . tbh#and this is disregarding the fact that mond . fucking killed their first god . ven is not going to risk that ???#so what use would it be — to start randomly showing up as a god and guiding them that way ?? that would be pressuring !!#does this . am i making sense . im very tired#it’s 2am#lantern says stuff
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trying to decipher if the overwhelming dread & Thoughts are cause of the state of the world or cause i need a shower.
vent post in the tags. idk. do whatever 👍
#sorry bros im about to ventpost in these mf tags 👍#im so fucking tired man. im already suicidal to begin with but the Everything happening is making it Worse. Yippe Yahoo Hooray.#therapy in a week though so ive got that at least.#this is the worst time of year for shit to go south.but Uh Oh saying that makes me feel like a selfish fuckass because other people -#- have it worse. like. god fucking damn. i get Extra suicidal around september -> march range sure. but other people are literally suffering#like as we fucking speak. and ive done fuckall to help cause i dont know HOW to help. but thats not a fucking excuse#im just being comfortable in my lazy ass depression spiral cause im a selfish fucking prick. “i cant spare the energy to vett things”#other people are fucking dying and im over here like “noo im too tiwed :( i cant do anyfing so im not gona do anyfing cuz im wazy and tiwed”#what the fuck is wrong with me lmao. knowing me im not gona change shit anyway despite fucking complaining about it cause im just. fucking#Like That.#idk. i was reblogging some of those “hold in there dont kill yourselves” posts cause like. yk. suicide bad or fucking whatever. but someone#on this site said something along the lines of “ok but how many people reblogging/posting these told jews to kill themselves” and like.#i dont know. i dont fucking know dude. so i guess im not reblogging Those anymore.#theres bigger issues out there and here i am focusing on some queer people who might kill themselves. idk. i should just join them yk#cause i never fucking focus on the bigger shit cause “i dont know how” and “i dont want to make things worse so i just wont do anything” so#im not doing fuckall other than just being part of the fucking problem here.#i should probably just delete social media for a while and see from there.#or just fucking drink about it thats the other option. its worked for me before (lie) so i may as well do it again am i right#im sorry i never like. boost gofundmes or fundraisers and shit i just.#i dont have a fucking excuse. im just a lazy fucking bastard in my own stupid fucking comfort circle.#“oh no seeing that people are dying makes me uncomforyable :(” ok well people are fucking dying you self absorbed douchebag. why cant you#get off your stupid fucking ass and do something. get a job so you can fucking help people or *something#its not like you have to pay rent and shit.#<- all about myself. cause yk. self centered douchbag. hooray.#i dont pay rent and i dont have to pay for my own food. i still live with my parents. im fucking useless to society so i may as well get a#job and send the money i dont fucking need to somrone who DOES need it. but here i am.#in.my stupid fucking bed til noon cause “the world is scary and jobs are hard :(”#its fucking retail. retail isnt as fucking hard as like. construction and shit but here i am anyway “unable” to do shit.#i fucking could if i just fucking ballsed up and put up with shit. but no. here i fucking am going “nooo i should just kill myself instead”#vent post
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thank you to the audubon society for clarifying that the house sparrows flocking to my brand new feeder are properly classified as borbs (bird orbs)
#my outdoor plants are long dead and my indoor plants are quietly thriving so now it is BIRD FEEDER SEASON#they're so much fatter than the birds I saw in march!! chonky boys. fat babes. my beloved house sparrows who get visibly tired#trying to hover in the air too long#we are kin they and I#.........look I may have made myself some mulled wine and am now contentedly watching the borbs.#I love them.#celestial emporium of benevolent knowledge
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#i am at my fucking limit lol#i need to leave this fucking town and this fucking state the very second i can nail down both a car and a remote job#the fucking ''''affordable'''' housing company i rent from has once again opted to start harassing us#and we're once again gonna have to be in a fucking fight with landlords who think that we're making too much money to live in a $1200 apt#and want us to pay $2000 a month for this rathole we live in despite taxes and deductions literally absorbing a quarter of our earnings#so they want to absorb half of what we have left when ive yet to be able to even afford a car that isn't a fucking beater destined for scrap#at least not without using p much all of my current life savings in the process#so we have to instead get around by buses that refuse to actually show up take us on huge detours for no reason have lead feet that-#-exacerbate my chronic pain and - oh! how could i forget? is also horrifically mismanaged to the point where they're now canceling entire-#-bus routes including the one i take to work and ALSO GOES TO THE AIRPORT lol#and nothing will fucking change about the highway robbery rent hikes bc the entire state legislature is filled with and bought by-#-landlords NIMBYs and property management firms.#that's not even getting into the fact that ive got too many traumatic memories too many enemies and not enough good things to show for it#the only thing I've got in this fucking town is my partner bc not even our home can be considered safe anymore.#i want to take them and the home we dream of and get the fuck out bc i can't keep doing this shit#and i can't even fucking talk to them about this bc they need me to be the strong one for once#im so tired. i feel like im in danger even though i know we'd be able to tank the hit to our finances. but i would like to escape.#i know of a city in ny where our $1200 rent is considered the norm. there's also so much more to do within reach that isn't just. drinking.#i wanna go there. i may have had a desire to live there since our vacation there this past March.#but for now im stuck here dreaming of the future and fighting off desperation and despair in the present#this breakdown brought to you by: the bus purposely avoiding my stop this morning after learning my landlord wants to ruin us again#vent
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y'all i'm like. so tired and overwhelmed right now. dare i even say sad.
#friday chats#tw vent#i should really go to sleep. but do i have the energy to get ready for bed? absolutely not#this feeling is exacerbated by the fact that it's **probably** that time of the month so i'm trying to be brave about it but like. augh.#i feel like there's a million things to do for college prep and then i'll actually be IN college and i'll have even MORE things to do#and it all feels so big and i am very small#i signed up for courses today!! but apparently i might be given a scholarship for the honors program at my school#and if it's big enough i know my parents aren't gonna let me turn it down#so i'd have to change up my nice schedule that feels like it's a good fit for me#and i also just REALLY don't want to do an honors program#i'm so tired from high school honors and dual credit and i want to go easy on myself since i do plan on getting a master's degree#and having to write and defend a thesis is something i'm absolutely not equipped for#even if i have department help i cannot public speak to save my life. it scares the shit out of me. hate hate hate it#i don't know. i just want things to be easy for once. or at least easier#this isn't even the only thing it's just the thing most recently on my mind#i just wish i had time to rest and prepare to feel totally ready to take on this new chapter of my life#...buuuut i don't. time marches ever onward. and all that.
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happy civil disobedience saturday everyone
#ra speaks#personal#civil disobedience#land day#o7 did a die in earlier today. and a rally. and a March. honestly kinda wish I coulda stayed to get arrested but alas#it is also holy Saturday and I am a server for the mass tonight#and also I was doing all this in another state so the legal stuff would be wayyyyy complicated sooooo#anyways I’m so tired. let’s go to the 7 hour vigil :]
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...
#it's so weird trying to describe yourself when u really aren't something u used to be#like until i was probably 21 or so id say i was shy. very very shy. but now im like was that even true? was i ever shy bc im not now#maybe i was just quiet and anxious. maybe thats just what being shy is. but im still both of those things but im not shy#im sorta like a hermit. i dont really go around ppl if i can avoid it but i dont hate being around ppl. its just that im less anxious when#im alone. but if u put me around ppl i like to talk to them so im not shy. ill say whatever. i dont really give a fuck#but if u throw me in a group i go back to being a non entity. i guess thats just being an introvert with an asocial streak#thats a thing i noticed while i was at the grad weekend i attended in march. the group would gather and do things while i kinda just#wandered away from them to poke at trees and sit in the snow. i dunno i just feel better away from ppl. my brain gets a lot louder if ive#been too social. which is a shame bc its interesting to watch ppl and understand how thry work#my friend came over to day goodbye before i leave next week. which was nice. i wish we would have hung out more in person but so it goes#and i think in my head im a lot more contained thst i actually am. like if u set me a task that becomes my focus but im also sorta all over#the place. partly bc i think my brain works on like a lag. and also my mood is a little elevated rn so im sorta like *jazz hands* and#talking too fast and too much and oversharing. yesterday i was instrucing an undergrad and felt so bad bc my brain was all over the place.#could not b made linear. im tired now tho bc theres nothing more draining than being emotionally honest and talking for like 2hrs. woof. it#so hot. like fucking so hot bc the monsoons have started and humidity is up so my swamp cooler is fucked and its gotta b at least 80 degree#inside my apartment. holy christ. and the temp has been over 100 degrees for like at least 2 weeks. its so hot its kinda alarming. and im#glad my friend was also freaked out by how hot its been bc oh god its hot. and i cant focus. ive done fuck all today. but i did get rid of#couch which is so so so great. ugh. someone make the sun stop making it so hot#unrelated#its been over 100 degrees outside for like 2 weeks. not on my apartment#and when i say i wish i spent more time with my friend irl. i mean it in a distant sort of way. like thats how im supposed to feel. like i#dont kno if thats actually what i feel or i kno im supposed to b social but idk if i actually mean it
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#music#mood#trying to help my mom but it may have backfired#how do I have divorced parents on relatively good terms and I still end up in the middle of shit#gotta call dad tomorrow and have him call mom and idk let her yell at him bc it was his idea or something#this is v much a just fucking let us help you situation#and I get why she's resistant but just glheirglralaegrlaehrlaeg#I am very tired and I have been stressed out more or less constantly since March#Spotify
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Do I care that I am currently in an echo chamber of how fun Hazbin is? NO!
I AM A SAD TEENAGE GIRL MY MIND WAS CREATED TO PING PONG AROUND ECHO CHAMBERS
#AAAAAAAAA#hazbin hotel#FULL OF RAGE AND FURY#I am so tired and I have a test tomorrow and I have to wake up at five to go to the gym because we’re trying to be healthy Yall#the thought that the next episodes are coming on Thursday might be the only thing keeping me going#I am pining after my long distance best friend and I’ve moved away from all my friends and family and I think that everyone will forget#about me all the time#LET ME HAVE THIS#also like the boarders between Russia and like the rest of the world could be closed at pretty much any time#and then I would potentially not see my family for years#or my parents at least my sister could probably get through#but def not my closest friends#which is great#and I won’t see said best friend that I’m pining over till the end of march if everything goes right#and I’m in love with her though she’s painfully straight#and I haven’t been hugged in like a month#wow this is a tangent in the tags#sorry for being depressing#hazbin hotel trailer#I want someone to like this for the validation
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I do relate to olivia rodrigo in some ways for example I did have nightmares each week (every day for months) after that phone call in may (march). I fantasize (once every other blue moon) about a time where you're a little fucking sorry. except I do not hold my undying love (there is not even an iota of love, if there ever was) like a grudge and also I will never ever forgive bc you were indeed filled with vitriol. and unfortunately I also cannot let it go. it was six months (three years) of torture. I did NOT love you truly and I cannot laugh at the stupidity. I may have made some real big mistakes but you do indeed make the worst one look fine. like..............
#sorry i know this is cringe and something i should just journal about#ive just had a very shitty day and also kinda week#ive just been tired and lethargic for no clear reason for the past five days and it's very frustrating#bc i have homework due tomorrow that ive barely made any progress on#and i kinda rly need an A in this class to maintain my gpa. so if one bad week means i tank this assignment and get a B in this class#oh dread. unspeakable unsurmountable dread#also i went on a walk in the park w my mom which i haven't done in a bit and i just was unable to stop thinking#about my high school demon of a boyfriend who lives nearby. altho he literally never goes outside i sometimes get rly freaked out#and panicky that i might see him and have to deal with him again. like he did call (AND TEXT?!?🤢) me last march#and i was having nightmares for months after and feeling so paranoid that he might randomly show up at my house one day#bc that's the kind of shit he used to do regularly when we were dating to keep me from breaking up w him#and like ughhhhhhhhhh it just makes me so upset bc he literally would have the audacity.#it's just upsetting. i am soooo nonviolent as a person but when i think of him i suddenly feel not very nonviolent#again my apologies i know this should be journaled about instead. sorry u had to see all this#feel free not to read these tags like this is just for me. apologies.#while im here some other songs that make me think of him include would've could've should've. atw10 but only the terrible parts#uhh better by myself by hey violet is incredibly on the nose#also it's actually just a rly great song. also get out of my life by little hurt. okay im done now.#gonna go find something funny and cute to watch. maybe little witch academia.#sorry if u read all this 😵💫
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My top 5 F/Os of 2022
(based on my Tumblr Year in Review)
#Emile's Arts#HERE'S TO 2023 EVEN MORE SELF SHIPPING AND F/OS TO COME I'M SURE#Leshy#Sun#Koro-Sensei#Twice#Zenyatta#You gotta love the guys of the year#Leshy and Sun were both acquired January-March this year#Twice DIED this year (in the anime) and thus got a lot of 'He's fine' posts#OW2 launched leading me back in and out of the Zenyatta hole (Ramattra helped with that)#and Koro-Sensei I am simply always abnormal about he is the top dog always#I'm getting tired of the Halloween Banner and I know my Birthday is only 2 months from now and I always make a new banner for that#but whatever I want a new one now this one's for me#Here's to the New Year#May you all be healthy happy and safe
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dm’ed yesterday, played cos today, listened in on some paired motw scenes today (w/out adelaide RIP I MISS HER SO MUCH BUT I COULDNT POSSIBLY RP AFTER FOUR HOURS OF D&D), will dm again tomorrow, and play some paired motw scenes monday
IM LIVING MY BEST LIFE
#ALSO THE REST OF MARCH IS GONNA BE SO FUCKING BUSY#we got like 3/4 of the way thru the motw sess and i was like: ...shit i wish i was playing despite how tired i am#i do have to get a good nights sleep tonight tho bc im dm'ing an early morning boss battle tomorrow
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