#ancl harry potter

[yo-invisible]

¿A quien no le gusta ser sociable, relacionarse, interactuar con otras personas? A todo el mundo, Aristóteles lo dijo, el ser humano es un animal social por naturaleza y la psicología lo apoya, incluso nuestra propia forma de sobrevivir lo reveindica.

Vivimos en grandes manadas, en enormes colmenas, en gigantescos nidos con cientos o miles de especímenes iguales que nosotros rodeandonos, y muchos de esos individuos están especializados en algo que garantiza la supervivencia del grupo. Y para dejar claro nuestra necesidad, nos reunimos en masa en torno a acontecimientos sociales donde establecemos todo tipo de relaciones y vínculos que refuerzan nuestra forma de subsistencia.

Y para la mayoría de las personas es así, sus vidas son así, sin embrago, para mí no.

No sé si es mi propia personalidad, si son mis circunstancias o si es un todo a la vez pero yo soy sociable. Yo prefiero callarme y quedarme en la esquina sin llamar la atención, fundirme con el entorno y ser un camaleón. Prefiero ser invisible, como si me cubriera con la capa de invisibilidad de Harry Potter y ser completamente ignorada con el único objetivo de no ser preguntada sobre mi, mi vida, mis gustos o disgustos, mis aficiones, mi personalidad o cualquier cosa que me incluya, más cuando alguien lo hace, soy experta en mentir, en fingir y en esquivar responder, y soy tan buena evitando el foco de que engaño incluso a los psicólogos, o eso creo yo, porque quizá la razón de todo sea que no le importo a nadie (que es lo que realmente siento) y la verdad es que no me extraña.

A mi me gusta dividir a la sociedad en dos grupos: los imprescindibles y los prescindibles.

Las personas imprescindibles son aquellas personas que aportan algo a la sociedad, y puede ser cualquier cosa, desde conocimiento o cultura hasta un cuidador de otro ser, el único requisito para estar en el lado bueno es que aportes algo a la socieda. Y luego estamos el sengudo grupo, los prescindibles. Los prescindibles, por el contrario, somos aquellas personas que no aportamos nada de nada a la sociedad, incluso si me apuras, diría que incluso somos ladrones y contribuidores a la destrucción de la misma.

¿Que por qué digo eso? Porque los prescindibles consumimos millones de recursos naturales al cabo del día: agua, oxígeno, comida, electricidad... y generamos millones de residuos al cabo del día: basura, desechos, dióxido de carbono, contaminación... Los prescindibles no tenemos una razón de ser, no tenemos una razón de existir, carecemos de nada que nos ancle a la vida, casi somos como fantasmas, casi, porque lo que si tenemos es una existencia física que nos hace sufrir.

Porque si, los prescindibles sufrimos, sufrimos porfundamente, por nuestra mera existencia. Nadie nos pidió permiso para ser creados, ninguno de nosotros eligió existir y sin embargo todo el mundo a nuestro alrededor, cada persona imprescindible, nos hace sentir que somos desecho, que somos prescindibles y nos recuerdan cada vez que pueden que somos algo que deberíamos dejar de existir porque la sociedad sería un lugar mejor que nosotros.

Si, ya lo se. No hace falta que nadie me lo diga, no soy tan estúpida. Si no lo supiera, no estaría escribiendo estas palabra. Cada noche, antes de dormir deseo fervientementeme dejar de existir, cada mañana cuando me despierto, me lamento profundamente porque sigo existiendo. Y pensarás ¿Y por qué no te suicidas? La respuesta las personas imprescindibles.

El mundo está construido por personas imprescindibles para personas imprescindibles. Al mismo tiempo que me todo a mi alrededor me recuerda que este no es ni mi tiempo ni mi lugar también demonizan el cese de la vida. Desde las religiones que consideran que dejar de vivir por propia voluntad es algo muy malo que los dioses van a castigar hasta la propia sociedad que te presiona con el daño que harás a terceros, a quienes te quieren, si te quitas la vida. Y yo pregunto ¿Si existe un Dios que me ama, porque deja me sea prescindible? Y los que me quieren ¿Me quieren genuinamente o solo es el egoísmo presionando porque saben que si me marcho por sentirme prescindible para ellos siempre seré un fallo?

Seguramente no existe ningún enter superior que interceda en nuestra existencia y nadie quiera a los prescindibles pero también nos da miedo hacer daño así que preferimos ser los invisibles. Prefiero ser invisible, no ser el fallo se nadie y esperar a que mi final llegue algún día.

Y se que seguramente nada de lo que he escrito tiene sentido pero es mi mete de prescindible.

[pearlchen]

11 questions

Rules: Answer these 11 questions, create your own questions, and then tag 11 people.

I was tagged by my sunshine @deme-lu, lovely @aoshilove and sweet @shinigami-no-uta Thank you so much, I will anwer all of your questions but just dreeate 11 own ;) not 33 ;)

1) Three things you love about your best friend?  his humor, he is uncomplicated, we like the same people

Do you like hot weather or cold weather? hot weather!!

Have you ever thought of something really violent but held yourself              back? Give an example. uhm.. yeah, every time I have to go shopping kill some people but hold myself back ;)

2) If you had your personal flag, what would it be like? @deme-lu of course something with chains, candles and a couch ;D

Do you have in person you turn to no matter what? If so who is it? my best friend, my mom and @deme-lu :)

If you could go back to past and change anything you want would you do it and what would you change? Hm.. maybe I would go back to the time when I was addicted to sports so that today I wouldn’t mourn about my weight all the time ;D

3) Your fave song to dance on ? To be depressed on ? To cuddle on? I don’t dance ;) when i am depressed I listen to songs like Pledge (Gazette) or 2U (Jungkook). I have a “slow” playlist on my phone for that ;)

What would be your choice for a last meal? something unhealthy for sure ;D nothing smart comes to my mind now ;)

What is your general opinion of people? uhm.. I guess I have no “general” opinion of people..

4) Your favorite word from any foreigh language ? kuso (japanese word for “shit”) What is your favorite item of clothing? I bought this xxxl oversized sweater and I loooove it!

How do you cope with stress? I am not good at dealing with stress. 

5) Any piercing, tattoo? If not would you like too ?  Yeah I have some piercings and I have my arms tattooed and my ancle. And I want more ;)

Are you a pumpkin spice lover? Why it why not? No not really. I don’t hate it but I also don’t love it. Because.. well.. just because.

Do you prefer day or night? Why? I can’t really answer that. both?? I can’t decide. I like the evening ;D 

6) If you could date The Gazette boys, which one would you choose first, what would be your  dream date like and who would be 2nd, 3rd, 4th and the last you’d choose? Why ? @deme-lu this question.. omg ;D  1. Ruki for sure ;) - BECAUSE!!! 2. Kai - because he was my “first love” ;) I thought a lot about the rest. And no matter how I turn it - I don’t like it.. But since you wish me to answer.. ;D

3. Aoi - because I just think it would be easy to be around him and I think we are both the same ironic. So it would be fun.  4. Uruha because I really would like to know if he is an Alien or real ;D 5. Reita because .. I don’t know.. he doesn’t belong here.. but one has to be. In my heart it is 1. Ruki and 2. the rest of the boys ;) My dream date would be something uncomplicated. Watching movies at home maybe. I don’t like going out ;) What is your biggest pet peeve? Uhm.. my biggest..  I don’t know. When people blow their food like little kids, maybe.. If you had the chance to do anything you want (good or bad doesn’t matter) what would you do? I changed my answer at least 5 times because it is hard to decide. It was travelling to Japan and South Korea, building a house, going on tour with the Gazette, losing weight.. ;D I will take the most unrealistic one - touring with the Gazette (and hoping that I will lose weight while I’m staring, fangirling and drooling around ;D)

7) What’s the weirdest talent you have ? I can squint with one eye ;) Very useful huh? ;D

Where do you do your deep thinking? I have no special place for deep thinking. Share some of your dark thoughts. better not ;)

8) What’s the gift you’d like to find under the Christmas tree this year? naked Ruki.. ;p okay.. he can wear something. I wanna unwrap him myself ;D

Wine, beer, or hard liquor? Wine or beer - I like both. I don’t like hard liquor. Why art should be made? Music is art and without music I couldn’t live. That’s why ;) 9) Fave childhood memory? My mom took care of some other kids and so our house was always full. It was never boring. It was great.

Name one movie you can watch over and over. Harry Potter 1 and 2. But I didn’t watch it for a long time. Maybe I should today? ;)

Share some of the lyrics of a song you really like. life don’t change my fate, god entomb my hate - Undying / the Gazette 10) Last book you read? Tokyo Ghoul:re. Book 6 ;) Name one impulsive thing you’ve done. I threw a drink i someone’s face. Teleporting or moving things with your mind? teleporting!!

11) Favorite pair of shoes, piece of clothing or accessory? besides my xxxl oversized sweater - the Ruki necklace of course :)

Who is your all time favorite author? Since I don’t really read books - I have none. What or who decides for things to be the way they are in a society? everyone should decide for themselves I think.

OMG this took me the whole afternoon O.O

now my 11 questions:

1. What do you hope never changes?

2. What are you absolutely determined to do?

3. What do you wish you knew more about?

4. What was the best compliment you’ve received?

5. What is something that your friends would consider “so you”?

6. What personality trait do you value most and which do you dislike the most?

7. In your group of friends, what role do you play?

8. Have you ever been on TV?

9. What job would you be terrible at?

10. What are you interested in that most people haven’t heard of?

11. What is something that a ton of people are obsessed with but you just don’t get the point of?

I’ll tag @bloodsuckers-vamps  @poshylovesruki @yo--kan @missverypink @abnormalbox @nica-sun @undying-thoughts @beautifulderangement 

[nightmaredreamsanddaydreams]

You were sitting on your bed with your xbox controller in hand, chewing on a mcdonalds straw talking to austin through the headset about Ana and you smiled when i walked in. You smiled and you were sober and it was the best thing about my day. You were making dinner and we were talking about the nursery and if the spare room is bigger than the office and which would be easier to paint. Your phone rang and you answered and i watched your face fall and the happiness washed away and you said something to the person on the other end hung up. You looked at me and i could see the war you were fighting. I told you not to go. You went anyways. You were sober for two months straights, i was 6 months along and you were itching to take a hit. I asked you if we could go get paint for the nursery and thats how it started. The fight that ended us started with paint. The fight that killed our daughter started with paint. You were standing in the chips section at the grocery store. I saw you and i froze in sheer panic, but you didn't see me, i was safe. I coukd see on your face that you were sober. You were just there to get salso and chips for the superbowl party you have every year with the boys. I smiled. That was a routine we had. I considered saying something. I thought about saying hi. But then i remembered your face as i was bleeding on the floor and i walked away. You were sitting on your bed with your black tie in hand, tears streaming down your face, cigarette tucked behind you ear. You lost your mother and it was my arms you went to first. She left and i continued to stand beside you, to support you. She was a good person. So were you. You were home and safety and love and laughter. You were my home. We got in your uncles car and we drove tobthe funeral home and I stood by yoir side as people offered condolences and i refused to leave no matter how many times you told me to. I stayed with you for 2 months after that just making sure you ate and got out of bed and i watched you fade from my best friend, my boyfriend, and grow into my abuser, my rapist, my daughters murderer, i watched you do drug after drug after drug. I stood by your side tried to remind you that you still had me. That i still loved you. You were 17 when i found out i was pregnant. You were supposed to be a senior that year, but you had dropped out after she died sophmore year. You promised to get sober and be there for us. You lied. You were 18 when i left my junior year. You were 18 and you made a facebook just to torment me and stalk me and tell lies to the people i went to school with. You were 18 and blaming me for all of the things that had happened. "You didnt have to grow up with her" "you dont even know her" "shes a whore". You were 18 when i started triple checking the doors of my house were locked. I was 13 when we started dating. You were 14. You were the love of my life. We had been best friends our whole lives. You were my only friend till i was 6 and met johnny. You were there when i showed up on your doorstep after going home to two parents who didn't flinch or bat an eye when their daughter walked in covered in someone elses blood. You were there with tea made and a bottle of oxy to calm me down. You were there when inwoke up screaming from watching him pull the trigger in front of me. You were there with tea and vicodin. You dropped me off at school in the mornings. You made sure i showered. You never made me eat, but thats not surprising you hated when i ate. You made sure my homework was done to some extent. For two months. Till i started getting sick, till my body started freaking out. You were the one who took my to the hospital. You left. But at least you took me. It was more than my parents had ever done. I stole your uncles car to take you to the emergency room when you broke yoir hand punch the wall next to my face. I threw out the tv you smashed in when i burnt dinner. I helped you to bed when you were too drunk to do it yourself. You convinced your uncle todrive totoledo so you coukd sit outside thefineral.home when my great grandma died so you coukd be there if i needed you. You were there when my dog sharla died freshman year even though your mom was sick again and probably wouldn't make it much longer. You were there when we lost custody of the foster kids. You were there when my sister ran away again. You were there when i saw my dad with another woman at walmart. You were there when i woke up screaming. You were there when i needed to do something and eneded up baking 80 chocolate chip cookies and 2 cream cheese frosted cakes You let me read harry potter to you. You said i was gorgeous when i was angry, you said you loved when i started to stutter because it showed what i was feeling. You said you loved when i got assionate aboit something because i would smile and it was like witnessing the sun rise for the first time. You were my only friend. The one constant in my life. You were my best friend. And i miss you. I don't think I'll ever get over it. Your eyes were the prettiest shade of green, and your lips were so pink. Your hair was so easy to braid and on the good days you let me stick flowers in them. You have a scar above your right eye from the time we fought and i threw a plate at you. You are terrified of frying pans because of that time you were trying to pick a fight with me and i hit you with one. You have those stupid tattoos. You have my name tattooed above your heart inside a sunflower. You have our daughters name on your left ancle. You have warrior tattooed on the inside of your arm with a pink ribbon at the end for your mom. You have the jager symbol on your middle finger. You have the disney castle on the back of your right leg. You have johnnys painting of the forest behind his house on your back. I miss tracing them. I wonder which ones you have now. I wonder who you've become since i left. I wonder if you're okay. I wonder what life would be like if we hadn't gotten into the fight about the paint. I hate that i had tolose the both of you. I hate that i can still feel her inside me sometimes. I hate that i miss the feeling of your lips on my skin. I hate that i miss you.